#I LOVE MY WIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!

[sputtersfataft]

[froopa-coopa]

"I never asked for this"

[saturnsconstellation]

Men use “I’m just a man” to cheat on their wives. Odysseus uses “I’m just a man” to kill, slay and torture people to get back to HIS wife. They are not the same.

[kensatou]

"we know how to move our bodies, but i didn't know how to manage my heart, so you need help for this"

hi we need to talk more about judo gold medallist christa deguchi.

[tortol]

i really think rose quartz is the voice of our times she was suicidal she was bisexual she was a libra she was fat she was horny all the time she was pink she went to war against herself she fumbles people who demand emotional intimacy from her she has a very loose grip on reality she loves everything and hates herself she somehow has mommy issues despite belonging to a species where mothers do not exist her boobs are self-made she was into soundcloud rappers she has committed identity theft and a hundred other war crimes she has several pet lions one of which is a zombie and she couldn’t break out of herself. peace and love on planet girl

[volukyrja]

I will not fail

[jorbus-mcdoorbus]

dogboy molloy vs puppyboy molloy

[nauti-ca]

just finished my official origins world save game….. ohhh the sillies. ohhh

[crsssie]

husband - professor!simon riley x professor!reader

Every now and then, Simon gets a student who doesn’t seem to get it past their skull that he’s happily married and not looking for a side chick or mistress.

He can usually tell in the first handful of classes, brow raised as they ask him to visit office hours, shirt peeking a little too low, smile a little too uncanny for his taste. He finds that typically as long as he plays uninterested and talk more about his wife, most of them learn to back down.

Now, occasionally, he gets a student who just doesn’t back down.

In those cases, he entertains the office hours, forcing you to stay back and lounge on the couch when they visit, extra affectionate with you when they walk in, ring on his finger extra polished and your matching one visible when you work.

You find it hilarious when you reach for his tea, lips around his straw as you continue to work on your research, drinking up the way his student’s eye twitches at his blatant displays of affection. You’re his “beloved” when the student walks in, and his “one and only” when they’re almost out of hearing range. You get a kiss when you walk him to class, and you peek into his class so much more to drop off drinks as long as the student doesn’t back down.

He refuses to hold an office hour with the student if you’re not available to hang around. He’d much rather be called a shitty professor than a shitty husband.

He can find another job. Not another you.

[godforsakenpaladinofnigh]

Teenage parents

[vistarya]

May I have this dance, Mrs Tims?

[catjest3r]

dog looked very pretty playing her games last night

[ dog / her ]

[lrndvs]

If you're a motorcyclist in LA and you heard barking, that was me, sorry, it will happen again.

[lagomorphics]

need to draw the bishops more. especially heket. for lesbian reasons

[sentientsky]

daniel wake up. daniel my love the people online are making fun of me. look at this. i—yes i know you just woke up and i’m levitating over our bed in a quote unquote “ominous” way. just look. you see, they are taking this photograph of me and adding ridiculous captions. and look. daniel stop laughing please. do you honestly think that i, a five hundred year old immortal vampire, would be so easily swindled by an internet scammer? i have seen empires rise and fall. i’ve watched time, people, landscapes, all turn to dust around me. do they truly believe that i am so foolish as to—daniel you promised not to bring up the Credit Card Incident. nor the Social Security Number Incident. look at this one. daniel. daniel beloved this is serious i don’t even play minecraft that much anymore. i’ve branched out. it’s like you don’t even appreciate our tiny perfect life in the sims four. daniel. you hate our virtual child. our beautiful mr pickles the cat. is this what i have to put up with for the rest of our immortal lives? you laughing at me? daniel—

[lilislegacy]

random pre-school mom: you are such a good dad, picking your son up from school so often

percy: well, my wife and i switch off depending on our schedules. she’s here the other half of the time

random pre-school mom: that’s so generous of you!

percy, confused: uh, why? i’m his dad

random pre-school mom: it’s just so selfless! oh and your little boy is absolutely adorable. he’s the most precious thing i’ve ever seen!

percy: thanks, he looks a lot like his mom

random pre-school mom: but clearly those eyes come from you

percy: well, yeah. i mean, i am his dad

random pre-school mom, flustered: um, well, are you coming to parents night? i can show you around so you know where to go?

percy: my wife and i will be there, and we’ll figure it out. thanks though

random pre-school mom: *weird fake smiling*