#I JUST REALISED THAT THIS ISNT ACTUALLY MY BIRTHDAY

[ndotknees]

[resurrectionist3]

June 6th, 1755 - Happy Birthday Nathan Hale!!!

We are gonna pretend like this isn’t several days late.

And this post is about to be super long…

Disclaimer: for the entirety of the post, I’m recalling information that was told to me by the tour guide from the Nathan Hale Homestead. If anything I wrote here is incorrect or not complete information, feel free to KINDLY correct me in a comment or repost, I would appreciate that☺️

-

Back in May (05/18/24), I visited the Nathan Hale Homestead in Coventry, Connecticut with my sister!!

I always drive by it when I go home from school and I finally got to visit for a tour! They also have a farmers market on grounds in the summertime as well as a couple other events throughout the year. I do hope i get to attend their Halloween ghost stories.

One thing i learned that i guess i didn’t ever realise was that Nathan never actually lived in this house. After his mother passed, Nathan’s father, Deacon Richard Hale and all 9(?) of his children lived together in a very, very small house. It wasnt until after Richard was remarried, that this newer and larger house was built. By this point, i believe Nathan had already moved away to be a teacher in New London.

Here are photos of their medicine cabinet and their fireplace✨

Photos of their piano forte in the sitting room and a drawn family tree.

And this was Deacon Richard Hale’s writing desk. If I remember correctly, he was a deacon in the church and a magistrate. He dealt with small court disputes in their house which I found very silly (and the wax stamp had an H on it idk why that made me die😭)

And here, in one of the upstairs rooms, they displayed artist renditions of what we think Nathan Hale and his brothers looked like. I think Nathan had 9 (?) biological siblings that survived to adulthood, one of which being his sister Johanna. And then i believe he had 3 step siblings after his father remarried (im trying to recall everything the tour guide said).

Johanna isnt depictied in these drawings, its only the brothers, but her room was on display for the tour and it had a lot of windows. The tour guide said it was because she apparently loved to read, so they made sure her room had the most windows for the most light??😭😭🥹🥹

Anyways, all of Nathan’s brothers went to war except for the youngest one. Also, if you look at the years of their deaths, Samuel Hale (the oldest sibling) actually outlived them all?? Which makes me want to scream???? Samuel also didn’t inherit the family farm, it actually went to his brother John.

Joseph Hale- (damn he can get it lowkey..🥵) while in the war was captured by the British and was on a prison ship until he was exchanged and honestly I’ve been thinking about it too much. So glad he didn’t die of dysentery or something. But he did pass of consumption at only 34 which I can’t even handle.

Enoch, went to Yale along with Nathan and they were in the same graduating class which i think is so cutesy. The tour guide also said that one of the pewter steins in one of the sitting rooms (i don’t actually have a photo unfortunately) belonged to Enoch and I wanted to scream, like was it ACTUALLY his???

They had a display of several items they found on the property like coins, buttons, ect. but I didn’t take a photo of that either. It was in the same room as these images of the brothers.

I think we all know Nathan, and quite honestly i didn’t even realise he had so many siblings until this tour. I suppose one could assume given the time period - everyone had like 5+ children. But of all the times i was taught about Nathan Hale (and that was kind of a lot, being a Connecticut resident for my entire life) no one ever mentioned his family or his siblings. There was a portrait of Deacon Richard Hale in the downstairs area- I didn’t realise this in the moment, my sister mentioned it later, but (based on the artist’s rendition) Nathan looked just like his father. I found it really funny when i realised it.

This was Nathan’s hunting rifle as well, another thing that apparently belonged to one of the members of the Hale family that made me want to scream (more on that in my final thoughts).

And last photo (the Turn: Washington’s Spies baddies are gonna LOVE this one)

This is a list of the Yale University (back then, it was just Yale College) honours graduating class of 1773. On it, is Nathan and Enoch Hale of course. But also, Nathan’s friend and “roommate” 👀 (and our favourite spymaster) Benjamin Tallmadge!!!!! I had to keep my mouth shut when the tour guide mentioned that he was on this list, but I was screaming internally and my sister and i made goofy ahh eye contact.

Their names are towards the top, Enoch and Nathan are listed in the third small column while Benjamin is in the sixth one all the way to the right.

Things that i saw/were talked about that i didn’t take a photo of was a shadow drawing of Nathan’s side profile. At some point, Nathan stood in front of a door in the house while someone traced the outline of his shadow onto it. I don’t quite know why that was done..? Perhaps it was for a genuine reason or maybe the Hale siblings were just messing around. But it’s a pretty big deal considering there are actually no true portraits of Nathan or his siblings. Just statues and drawings that are artist renditions based on historical accounts. There was a historian who wrote about Nathan Hale and came in contact with a member of the Hale family (Rebecca Hale, I believe). She told him about the shadow drawing and it was a long and interesting story that I unfortunately don’t remember all the parts to. A piece about the portrait is typed on a paper in the photo of Nathan’s rifle, if you can zoom in, you can read a little more on it.

Their gift shop was also small and cutesy and I spent a lot of money there on books. On display there, they had an old piece of wood from the original house. I got a published copy of Reverend John Hale’s, A Modest Inquiry into the Nature of Witchcraft.

If anyone wasn’t aware, Reverend John Hale (Nathan Hale’s great grandfather) was called to Salem, Massachusetts from Beverly to assist in the Salem Witch Trials in 1692. He was partially responsible for the persecution of several innocent people however, nearing the end of the trials, he began to disagree with the accusations. He published this firsthand account to condemn the actions of those involved with the trials and I’ve always thought it was so interesting. I’ve wanted to read this since I read The Crucible back in high school and i was very excited to see it at the gift shop.

You can also visit the Hale Farm in Beverly, MA where Rev. John Hale used to live and I want to someday. I’ve only ever been outside of it, I’ve never properly visited for a tour. (Cutesy fact as well: Rev. John’s Hale’s birthday is June 3rd, which is only 3 days before Nathan’s).

Final Thoughts:

The Hale Family was absolutely MASSIVE. Our tour guide mentioned being a descendant of the Hale Family and im sure a number of “born and raised” New England residents are as well somewhere in their ancestry. Based on the drawn family tree, most of the members had probably 4 kids minimum and then those kids all had a ton of kids. It’s also very funny to me how there are probably several Hale’s who are decently significant figures in history and it’s just wild that it’s all one family. I know it’s the same for royal families and such but it feels different somehow.

According to our tour guide, one theory about how Nathan Hale was captured was by Robert Rogers. That Rogers invited him to dinner and convinced Nathan that he was also part of the Continental Army. Nathan then confided his mission in Rogers and was lured into a false sense of security that lead to him being captured. Which is another one for the Turn baddies that almost made me die when I heard it. Especially since I don’t believe I’ve heard that theory before.

Something I did really enjoy about this tour was how it didn’t completely focus on Nathan. Of course that would have been fine and equally as interesting, but it was mainly a lesson on his family and some of his descendants. After being taught about Nathan Hale so many times, I had no idea about his entire family and his siblings.

It also never TRULY occurred to me that there aren’t any real portraits of Nathan Hale. They’ve all been artist renditions as paintings or statues based on historical descriptions of him and something about that is extremely wild to me. It makes me somewhat grateful for our easy access to camera and video in our modern world. There are so many faces and stories that have been completely lost to time - even some very significant historical figures have little to no surviving images. Like, we know who they are and that they were here at some point - we have their belongings and things that they used. Thats why seeing Nathan’s rifle in the bedroom or Enoch’s stein in the sitting room cause me to have such visceral reactions. This was theirs once. This was used by someone probably everyday. And now its almost like a ghost or memory of them. The land around the property is heavily wooded as well, lots of trees and stones. My sister and I took a short walk around the property before leaving and it really made me think: how many of these stones did they touch? How many of these large trees did they lean on? It drives me so insane honestly.

One last thing that hadn’t occurred to me before this trip was how the Hale family learned of Nathan’s hanging. According to the tour guide, Enoch and a couple his brothers had heard of a Hale being found guilty of espionage and being hanged. And after looking into it more, Enoch did confirm that it was Nathan and sent word to the rest of the family. It’s said that before being hanged, Nathan only asked for a few things: A priest (which he did not get), parchment, quill and ink for writing. He wrote a letter to his commanding officer and one to his family. According to the guide, i believe neither one was sent. Perhaps the one to the officer was sent, however he never received it because he was killed in battle before he had the chance. And allegedly, the one written to the Hale family was seized by the British and was likely used as a written confession rather than being sent home to Nathan’s family. I honestly can’t imagine how upsetting that must’ve been for all of them. Especially with each of the Hale brothers being in the war and likely all in different places, there wasn’t really any other way for them to find out that their own brother was hanged aside from the way everyone else learned of it - through the newspaper or by word of mouth. No other Hale brother died in the war either, they all survived and had relatively high rankings by the time the war was over.

~~~

So that was my trip, it was fun and informative and I would really love to visit again sometime. I highly recommend anyone who is a fan of history, or Turn: Washington’s Spies to visit if you can! They are only open seasonally though, and only on weekends. They do a tour every hour, so plan accordingly if you want to visit!

[lolotheparagon]

Sofia the First Season 3 in a Nutshell

Cool Hand Fluke - 7/10

Finally, an episode about the mermaids that isnt shit... That is a sentence I just said.

Minimus is Missing - 10/10

Every pegasus in the kingdom has been Pied Pipered away and he mastermind behind this is revealed to be a spoilt kid wizard who really wanted a pegasus for his birthday and decided to steal every horse in the kingdom cos he can. He also gets a rock ballad villain song. Yknow, this show really surprises you sometimes.

Cedric Be Good - 9/10

After all this time, Cedric finally has the amulet by swapping it for a fake copy and goes through the five stages of grief cos he doesnt realise he stole his surrogate niece's most priced possession.

Princess Adventure Club - 1/10

Oh, a new princess who's an adventurer? Now that sounds cool! I wonder if there'll be regular adventures she'll take Sofia and the gang to- OH MY GOD AMBER CAN YOU STOP BEING A BITCH FOR 5 MINUTES?? This girl's characterisation really is the prime example of "depending on the writer"

Minding the Manor - 4/10

Aunt Tilly instructs Sofia to housesit her mansion for an afternoon whilst dealing with gargoyles. Then its revealed Tilly wants to pass onto Sofia the role of being a errand girl to everyone else's domestic problems, even though she's like 8

The Secret Library - 6/10

Okay, not a bad start to this Secret Library arc and its a good story about Minimus making amends with his free-spirited big brother. Also Cary Elwes is the villain in this, which was a delight to see. Also Merida's in this and she gives the last good advice out of all the Disney Princesses to Sofia.

New Genie on the Block - -3/10

This is the most whack shit Ive ever seen in a kids cartoon. So a genie is loose in Tangu and theres a genie patrol, who is run BY a genie and he's designed to look like an American cop for some reason and Sofia becomes a honorary deputy throughout the episode. Their flying carpets are designed to look like American police cars but we're in fucking Arabia. WHAT IS THIS DESIGN CHOICE? The kid genie that's supposed causing trouble is just doing party tricks for a group of kids but Sofia and the genie cop chasistise him anyway for breaking the rules (oh yeah there's genie rules and unlike Aladdin, there's like a bajillion of them even though this kid genie isnt even doing that much rulebreaking) and thus ends up causing more trouble. Wow, its like the actual American police. I dont know what the fuck the writers were smoking but its fucking hilarious

The Fliegel Has Landed - 1/10

Jessica DiCicco plays an mean alpha bitch fairy who's just moved next to the trolls and its up to Sofia and Cedric to teach this bully a lesson? Nice! I cant wait for them to squash this nasty bug- oh no theyre redeeming her, for fucks sake!!!

The Princess Ballet - 10/10

Kari is a wonderful side character and Sofia and Amber helping her overcome her crippling perfectionism whilst practicing ballet and hiring a special tutor to teach her in ways she can understand before the big show is super sweet. THIS. This is what Sofia the First is all about

All the Sprite Moves - -5/10

Vivian has moved into a new castle and hates it, so she enlists the help of the sprites to make the castle haunted so her family can leave. There was also a subplot where Clover gets drunk on love potion berries and obsesses over Crackle and apparently these berries are a plot device cos Sofia uses them again to drug the sprites to leave the castle. That was really weird, dont ever do that again.

Sofia in Elvenmoor - 10/10

The most kid friendly acid trip episode you'll ever get. A good lesson about being focussed on what you're doing and not getting distracted by whats around you. Also there was an adorable moment when the King tries to communicate with one of Sofia's critter friends (even though he cant understand squirrel) when he's trying to find her. He also didnt want to cut down an ancient tree when his men were constructing a road and wanted them to build around it, even before he noticed Sofia was in the tree. King Roland's environmentally friendly and thats just neat.

Stormy Lani - 1/10

They really pulled the magical native stereotype with Lani and had the gall to have a white girl teach an indigenous girl to calm her temper cos her emotions change the weather. WOW. That is Steven Universe levels of racist.

Lord of the Rink - 7/10

Huh, imagine that. A good Prince Hugo episode . This one's a flip-around from Just One of the Princes where Hugo worries his interest in a feminine sport like ice skating will cause his friends and his father to mock him and Sofia reassures him to just do the sport and not worry what others think. Nice to see theres no gender double standard in this show.

The Secret Library: Olaf and the Tale of Miss Nettle - 0/10

Once I found out Ms Nettle was getting redeemed, I skipped through the entire episode cos im so DONE with this show redeeming every villain in its path. Why cant we teach kids that sometimes people are just dicks?

Gone With the Wand - 9/10

We meet Cedric's niece, Calista, who adores her uncle as much as Sofia does. Now im entirely convinced Cedric cared for Sofia all this time cos she reminds him of Calista and I find that so sweet. They then go to Merlin's castle where Cedric goes into fanboy mode, manage to imprison an evil sorceress and have Calista learn not to steal stuff thats her favourite colour cos its still stealing. Only downside is why that evil sorceress had to be Morgana. Girl gets way too much hate in fantasy stories.

Bad Little Dragon - 7/10

Weird title aside, its a great Crackle episode where her jealousy over Vivian's new baby dragon is completely justified as the new dragon is not only an international jewel thief, but an adult dragon just with a baby body and talks like an old school gangster. This is the funniest shit

Bunny Swap - 6/10

It's a solid Clover episode where he gets his privilege checked by his doopleganger

Her Royal Spyness - -7/10

SEAL PEOPLE EXIST IN THIS WORLD.

Best In Air Show - 5/10

Minimus has an overbearing mother zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Dads and Daughters Day - 8/10

Sofia gets a similar problem like what she had in Mom's the Word, this time its with her dad. Her and Amber's class are going on a field trip with all their dads and after Hildegarde's remark about Roland not being Sofia's real dad, Sofia fears that because she doesnt have memories of previous dad and daughter trips like Amber, she doesnt believe she's truly his daughter. Cue heartfelt speech from Roland about how he'll always love her and in comes my unintelligble bawling.

Elena and the Secret of Avalor - 8/10

A Sofia the First episode tackling the destruction that imperalism causes to a nation, a new princess protagonist named Elena getting the upper hand and finally getting her crown, her family and her kingdom back from an imperalist bitch? Well, damn, I'm impressed. Although Sofia's family couldve done a lot more and the idea of a Latina princess being trapped inside an amulet that was used by white princesses really bothers me. Like, why couldnt Elena just be in forced exile thanks to the villain or have her be trapped in a magic mirror or some shit?

The Tale of the Noble Knight - 4/10

Kevin Michael Richardson plays an amazingly hammy knight. Shame he wasnt in a better episode.

The Bamboo Kite - 7/10

Nice to see the lesson of respecting both old and new technology and resources. Its just neat.

Beauty is the Beast - 9/10

This time, Sofia gets summoned to help a princess. She meets Charlotte, who's been turned into a beast as a punishment because she was racist to a goblin. Sofia tries to get the goblin and princess to get along and they end up being besties cos they both nerd out over royal stuff. Honestly, I wish Charlotte kept her beast form. Its very ugly cute.

Cauldronation Day - 2/10

Lucinda's having some witch graduation ceremony but her two new friends are both fighting over the position to be the witch of honour so Sofia tries to make them become friends, even though they clearly arent good enough friends to Lucy. Its fucking infuriating how Lucinda never puts two and two together and just makes Sofia her witch of honour and tell her friends to fuck off cos Sofia is right there being supportive.

Camp Wilderwood

Yknow that spoilt wizard kid Wendell from Minimus is Missing? That kid who stole a kingdom's pegasi cos he really wanted one instead of a magic lute? That kid who even took over a small kingdom for the evulz? Lets redeem him and have him befriended by James all because htey both hated going to a summer camp. Great, a terrible slap-dash villain redemption and a mediocre James episode. Man, this kid never gets a good episode.

Royal Vacation - 5/10

"See, parents? The best way to get your family to spend more time with each other is by forcing them to go on vacation! Even if the vacation turns out to be 90 percent a disaster. As long as you come home feeling happy at the end, that's all that matters!"

Hexley Hall - 8/10

Sofia has unlocked new amulet powers and Cedric takes her to his old wizard school to meet Billy West wizard to get more info about the amulet. I love how halfway throughout the episode, Cedric gets interested in Sofia's amulet and you'd think "oh no, is he gonna go back to stealing it again to take over Enchancia?" but thes its immediately dropped as Cedric's friendship with his pet raven suddenly becomes the focus and he goes into papa wolf mode when Sofia is threatened by Billy West wizard later on and he didnt even care about the amulet. Dont know if that was either a writing flub or an intentional twist, but I like it.

The Princess Prodigy - 10/10

Vivian gets manipulated by an evil musical baron who's preying on her musical talent to fuel his own musical magic, by isolating her from her bandmates and making her lash out at her friends, causing them to help her come to her senses and take down the baron. Cue an epic Scott Pilgrim style music magic battle between Sofia, Vivian and the others and you have an absolute baller episode.

One for the Books - 9/10

A nerdy prince named Desmond, who hasnt had a major appearance since Enchanted Science Fair, struggles with an eccentric assignment giving by the best teacher in the entire school (Seriously, I love Mr P, he's such a cool unorthodox teacher and those are the best. He reminds me of my old geography teacher when I was at school) and he's too embrassed to ask for help since he's usually the top student. A good lesson about never being afraid to ask for help and dont give magical growing food to an already magical plant. This is how you get Piranha Plants

[the-voldsoy]

this post is aimed at one of my followers specifically, but i cant tag or name them in it because i promised to give them privacy but. you know who you are !! and if this isnt for you pls feel free to ignore :)

happy birthday my dude !! i doubt you expect this kind of thing from me, but there is a reason im posting this semi-anonymously on tumblr dot com rather than just, you know, messaging you.

i just wanted to say that you are a great friend and i treasure your company and your opinion. i havent really known you for that long when you put it into perspective, but still i gotta tell you youre so fuckin cool!! some of the things you say youre going to do/already do, like the welding? bro im JEALOUS youre just. so cool. i really like listening to you talk, even if you dont do it too often. the more i listen to you, the more i realise youre actually,,, really fuckin intellegent?? like, i knew that already obviously but bro?? you know. SO much stuff. and are really good at explaining and sharing the info?? i think you are, at least. we share similar interests but not quite the same, and its just so interesting to hear you talk about things. you have such good ideas about things -- the game you were telling me you wanted to make? our current dnd campaign? DUDE i eat that shit UP. i know i make fun of you a lot and kinda bully you and for that im sorry -- if it is ever too far please for the love of god tell me or i will not know, and i will try to respect it. you just gotta know that none of that kind of thing is true, its all banter ;) you probably cant tell because idk how to show it, but i respect you and your opinion so much.

tldr, youre actually pretty cool and i wish i talked to you sooner. again, happy birthday and have an amazing day :)

(i was gonna get you a gift but i didnt know what so i hope youll take this instead) (i had a lot i wanted to say here and i didnt really know how to so sorry if this is kinda incomprehensible<3)

[barbieb0y]

going through it rn (it: stardew valley brainrot. i can see why people are obsessed with this game)

i have. so many thoughts a whole fanfic is being written in my head as we speak i am serious about an oc for once and so i have to put it down somewhere but like this is kinda cringe so im putting it all under the cut LOL

i want to say meet me but atp he feels like an oc that vaguely resembles me so. he has my name and bits of my traits and experiences tho so lol. meet my farmer oc safar but also i wished i named him link instead

hes supposed to have glasses why does this picrew not have glasses i wished i was good at drawing

hes a twink. thats literally the first thing that pops up in my head when i think about this guy. friendly, easy-going twink who was a bit nervous when he first arrived in pelican town but now hes always bothering people

literally prefers doing anything else but actual farming but everyone calls him farmer anyway. loves fishing especially and is #besties with willy (not actually canon ingame bc i keep neglecting willy IM SORRY) tho he absolutely despised it at first bc he found it hard + had a bad experience with fishing when he was little (this is actually true. this is canon irl safar lore i just buried it in the depths of my mind bc it hasnt been relevant until now)

married to elliot bc he is a disaster gay who put in all his goddamn effort he could muster in his tiny body in wooing the hermit writer by the beach when he realised he's actually attracted to him and that hes not just platonically-inclined to him bc he lives on the beach and therefore a potential fishing buddy

also besties with penny bc idk i like penny

just wants to get along with everyone but damn some bitches do be bitches

has a grey tabby cat named pumpkin :D

wants to blow up joja mart

also chose to have fruit bats over mushrooms for that cave thing

this is just me being delusional but one time i fished beside leah at the pond near her house bc i thought itd be funny but then i had this vivid scenario consisting of this dialogue:

"wow, you really are good at fishing. no wonder elliot's got a thing for you"

"he WHAT now"

"um"

somehow forgot elliot's birthday in year 1 and now hes all dramatic about it while elliot himself doesnt really mind but im like "BUT BABE"

refuses to upgrade the farmhouse for the 2nd time. a nursery is the last thing he wants. robin refuses to replace it with anything else

games on lazier farmer days (they do have good internet in sdv right. right)

elliot was on tour during new years and new years eve and hes somewhat still salty about it and pretends to sulk when elliot finally came back a few days into spring

elliot is a bit concerned with his husband's naming scheme for the ducks. one is named duck. one is puck. one is buck. he fears what the next one will be named

favorite gifts would probably be pink cakes (or anything pink really), pizza, apples, snails and tulips

hated/disliked gifts would be all vegetables. and joja cola

will add more if i come up with more shit (pretend theres a saluting emoji here my phone doesnt have it help)

this is what he looks like ingame. btw bc that picrew isnt really doing him justice lol

[sonjuponju]

I posted 7,900 times in 2022

That's 4,026 more posts than 2021!

79 posts created (1%)

7,821 posts reblogged (99%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@nellipusen

@chaoticbathwater

@sunliv

@dissolvingfromsalt

@tunnaa-unnaa

I tagged 7,899 of my posts in 2022

#rb - 7,818 posts

#hehe - 4,347 posts

#cool art - 754 posts

#genshin impact - 490 posts

#finnish - 298 posts

#eddsworld - 279 posts

#arataki itto - 133 posts

#skiezrambles - 84 posts

#long post - 43 posts

#tobystuff - 40 posts

Longest Tag: 140 characters

#i just feel like i was pulling stuff out of my ass when i was talking to her. like straight up lying and idk why i didnt realise it then lol

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

I DID IT I GOT HIM 😭😭❤️

2 notes - Posted January 2, 2022

#4

guess who's a little birthday boy!! is me!!

3 notes - Posted October 1, 2022

#3

tbh this new event made me like xiao a lot more. i just remembered him as this super angsty "nobody understands me" type, but eh, he can be reasonable too, and his past explains why he would sacrifice himself without second thought whenever a problem arises lol

but oh my GOD lemme talk about itto for a minute. holy fuck, im so happy they included him in the new event. shinobu and him were kind of oddly placed, but man am i happy they were. itto is such a skrunkle but somehow his characterization leaned a bit on the annoying side? i mean, maybe he just seemed stupider than usual when hes surrounded by people wiser than himself, but idk. it was also a bit annoying having him be the laughing stock of the team for the whole time but i guess that's his purpose as a character overall lmao

though i do have to admit!! ive never laughed so hard at the jokes in a quest before lmao. (beware - small spoiler) the part where itto tries to open the door by knocking it down when the button was right next to him was comedy gold already, but when the whole team started CLAPPING? 😭 i was HOWLING man lemme tell ya

so yeah that quest was definitely the best one ive played. not only because it included itto - ah, well, he did play a big part in it lol, but overall the quest was really really interesting. especially the ending, hoo boy, i understand now why that final cutscene got people weeping. it was so cool. i wish we wouldve seen more of the other yakshas, but oh well. im satisfied that we got like actual designs for them and not just those silhouettes from the zhongli cutscene

talking about him, im also so happy that he was included 😭 ill never get enough of him

so ya thats my thoughts on that

6 notes - Posted June 7, 2022

#2

hi my friend is doing a survey about video games for a paper they have to write for school :D it would be awesome if you could answer it. it only takes like a minute

the survey is in the reblogs!

8 notes - Posted June 14, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

i think hayloft 2 isnt that good if you compare it to the og version. i think their record company was like "hey wouldnt it be crazy if you guys made a sequel to this massively successful song" and they were like "ok"

but on its own, hayloft 2 has me listening to it on repeat rn so... mother mother just does not miss

10 notes - Posted February 3, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[coldslaws]

That's for me to know and for you to dwell on about! Taking "smear campaign" into a whole different meaning, I wonder how long it'd take for them to realise that it's all just been one person, he's got an odd sorta polished vocabulary. Also I just realised five seconds ago that it's actually his birthday, happy birthday Azrael you absolutely jackass <3

- 💌

im casting curses on you in my brain

entirely possible that n is so used to people talking with large/polished vocabularies (ghetsis (oh my god this kid totally is a ghetsis baby isnt he), their sisters, they themself) it doesn't even really occur to him that his manner of speech is noteworthy . but it's something alder or drayden would probably pick up on if she were to show them the messages she broke down over. or maybe even tomie's taken notice because it knows the internet well enough to know that people don't Usually write like that

[sqqsfeet]

why would my best friend of 7 years not wish me a happy birthday

idk it might sound a bit petty saying this but tbh even if they forgot then it would be fine, but theyve seen my story (like the usual type of stuff) and i just want to know why. its not like i do anything extraordinary on my bday, usually id just treat it as any other day with the exception of just talking to slightly more people including that friend. either way, 3 years ago it was when i had to move away and although we slightly parted, we kept close contact still.

we had a conversation and stuff about a week ago literally aswell although it was just along the lines of me asking when they can come over to mine etc, but they replied with the same "my mum isnt doing too well financially" which i understand but it was the same thing for 2 years now and i even offered to pay this time and stuff (its about 10 quid for a bus to here) but they said that they anyway probably cant come - also smth to note is that they never actually ask their mum about it. idk it may be just that they arent as keen as i am but idk i cant help but feel sad about it.

i suppose a factor of this could be my ex, which tbh was a little messy now looking at it bc she took it in another way that i couldnt control and kept altering the truth and atp slandering me to my friends, like by saying i broke up with her on our anniversary (it was a month before) and that i was forcing her into a corner (i always was hesitant on asking her about doing stuff with me bc i knew about her personality being that way, so i literally asked 10 times about it and she still says i forced her to it :/). either way in short i broke up with her bc i really wasnt doing well mentally and i questioned a lot on my identity (im aromantic i figured now), which actually made sense why i didnt exactly feel like i was actually in a relationship ig?? it felt unfair to bind her to this for no reason and to burden her with the effects of what i was going through (and tbf i had a feeling that at that point she was just waiting for me to break up just so that she could blame it all on me) so i took upon that role. although it was a little sad at first that she in fact chose to block me everywhere (even turns out that on games like idv which i havent played for months too 💀) and not even try really going with it further, i think maybe it was for the better as i did feel better without the burden of a relationship and knowing that i potentially could be making someone worse just because i feel worse, until of course i realise that the friend (who i spoke about in the beginning) starts hanging out with my ex more and kinda distancing themselves from me, which kinda leaves me to the assumption of my ex slandering me :/

[muchmossymess]

Gonna preface this with zelda hate is stupid (and that this is NOT a jab at op). Girl was put through the wringer give her a break. Terrible father, no freedom, suffocating burden, and then 100 years fighting a calamity. Not to mention all her loved ones died on her 17th birthday. And she was friends with link. Wtf are half of you on about. They made up.

Now, before they made up, zelda was antagonising someone she was in a position of power over. Should she have chosen to verbally abuse link, all he could do was stand there and take it being under order from the king to watch over her. Doesn't matter if he wanted to leave, he had to stay.

But zelda didn't verbally abuse him? Sure she was a little mean at times, but she was mostly just arguing for her freedom? Anyone can see she just wanted to be left alone, and she knew link had no choice but be there. It's a little emotionally immature to lash out at someone who has to be there, but god damn she's 16!!! Sure she's she's princess but she isn't the pinnacle of people!

And then after a life is saved and heart to heart is had, they made up. Link forgave her after zelda realised she was being unfair and apologised?? Why do you hate her she was under so much pressure and reacted like anyone would, but realised she was in the wrong and redeemed herself! (Wasn't much redemption needed, she barely did anything wrong)

Now onto revali. We know he's an asshole. We know that that's mask for his insecurities. We know that he sees his insecurities becoming real with how he views link. We know thats not really the case, and he's just being an emotional teenager (not bashing, just facts).

So, not so different from zelda. Zelda was under tons of pressure to do something she didn't know how to do, lashed out at nearest person who happened to reflect her insecurities with his sick sword skills. Revali was under lots of pressure from himself to attain perfection, lashed out at someone who he felt wouldn't acknowledge him and was given an opportunity he thought he should have had a shot at because of a sword.

But revali wasn't in a position of power over link. He was his equal, if not slightly below him. And he is also a teenager?? (atleast of similar age to zelda) (why are there so many children fighting wars) (get your shit together hyrule) (and get these kids some therapy while your at it)

Yet he is much worse in his opinion of link. In their interactions (from what we see) he isnt so bad, but his diary is pretty telling of his actual opinions (from 100 yrs ago) (as a spirit he's more just, sarcastically friendly) which are, very not good. He calls him "truly slow witted" for not speaking. Cmon dude. Chill.

(This is also at some fault to mistranslation/misinterpretation from the original Japanese version, in which hes just trying to spark a rivalry and isn't actually an ass to link)

But he didn't have a chance to get to know link well. He wasn't constantly shadowed by him, didnt have his life saved by him, didn't have a heart to heart in the rain with him, ect. Then he died, and probably felt it pointless to start a friendship now, when he would be moving on soon. (Or maybe I've read to much fanfic but eh).

Uh I think I've lost my point. To summarise: zelda was in a position of power over link, but wasn't that bad towards him and they became friends. Revali wasn't in a position over link, but was pretty bad, and never got the chances zelda had to apologise to link.

So zelda hate is stupid and unnecessary, but this is fandom, so like who you like and dislike who you dislike, and don't like don't interact (or block) is always a thing.

The only difference is one is a woman who had the audacity to raise her voice 🫢

[wonwooridul]

🥰 every month of 2021 🥰

i was tagged by my best of the besties @soonwnu @coupsnim and @woozi to post my favorite or most popular post from each month this year (it’s okay to skip months).

thankyou you legends <3 i really look up to y’all.

i was very new to content creation in januaray since i started creation in nov of 2020!

January: This was supposed to be posted in jan but i accidently did in dec lol. I really like this boo vs dino gfx I made for svtsource tumblr awards. Then the Jackson missing hours set. i just started making content so there isnt much to show.

February: Starting of with one of my fave sets, seokshine is better than sunshine. Then this set of smiley dino. This adorable coupsie set that i made for dreamy <3 my first time trying sparkles and hoshi for elle looked amazing, gummy smile vernon. lastly, this ot13 birthday set for my birthday twin mirelle <3

March: i wasnt active in march and i only made like two sets that arent worth showing so skip!

April: A 9-gif set of gentle sexy. personally, this cracks me up everytime, the time members were ready to send hoshi to tigercage. And lastly, my chaotic bestfriends boogyu set.

May: the time i realised i am in l*ve with jeon wonwoo. i really liked these gifs of minghao , theyre clean and also the reds in them <3 this was around the time i started getting a hang of what colours i liked and didnt. XMH fave photoshoot gfx. And ofc my beloved svt 6th anniversary gifset which took me so long.

June: starting with best set,,, svt + animals which was made for n <3 Next, this sunshine seok for mirelle <3

July: This wonwoo + flowers gfx. i wasnt very active in july too but i made shit tons of stuff in august lol.

August: i made lot here that i actually like so im just gonna link <3 wisbee with mara (i’m sorry if u don’t have the humour, this is classic), ofc coups birthday set, masterpiece xu minghao for bias swap, hoshi is cora’s bias set for carat anon, hoshi allure recolour (from b&w), moonlight jun set for al <3, prince dk set (this is by far one of my fave gifsets, i love the colouring and the gifs were very clean, sharp and smooth), VU op2 shoot recolour, wonwoo + glasses (my beloved)

September: ehm, lighthearted people are not advised to open cause jarms set, jeonghan in fear mv (finally had the courage the recolour this cursed white jeonghan in fear mv and it turned out well), jeonghan 1st look and vernon pure as melody gfx.

October: i think i did all years worth in october. when i was looking though my stuff all i could find was stuff from october lmao and these are creations that i actually like quite alot. here they are: jeonghan + monet birthday set, jun vlog, danger hoshi, changer jun & nature wonwoo with al, attacca tracks as posters, ot13 RWY set (this set got the most notes this year), missing junhao for alicia, my top 9 moments series, Mingyu racing gazette gfx, soongyu cuddle buddies, s.coups allure recoloured (from blue)

November: prolly my fave gfx, Hao birthday set, woozi birthday set (i didnt like it much but it was still cute, i spend alot of time on it), GoSe Ego posters. i was busy cause i was moving for uni so i couldnt make anything in the second half of nov.

December: lover of mine dk gfx, we fell in love in oct shua gfx, my whole svt concepts as films series <3 currently working on one shua gfx and birthday set, hoping to complete before i go back home !

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

i would like to take this post to appreciate all my beloved mutuals and friends on this site. thankyou for supporting me and always making me smile this whole year. thankyou for leaving cute tags under my posts. y'all were one of the reasons i kept going this year <3 i would like to thank all the beautiful souls at my carat club discord server <3 y'all are my internet family <3

i hope all of you have a great holiday and eat delicious food and spend time without loved ones <3 happy holidays my lovelies <3

tagging: (i dont know who all have been tagged so ill tag a few<3) @soonkwans @seohoshi @dearmyfeb @dearkyeom @dkymm @scoups @aquynh @dokyom @kdongyoung @elfyuta @pdwoozi @yoonzinoswife @softhyungkyun @merry-kwanmas @kingleedo @kyeomblr @kveom @sannie-hannie @wonwoosjeon @awek-s @julyprince @soonshuas (im sorry if you have done already <3)

[theyarebothgunshot]

this is exactly how it went down in my head.

misha: hey, everything okay? do you need me to do something?

jensen: no, lay low. we’re figuring it out.

misha: got it.

— the next day —

misha: things settled. should i say anything? draw attention? stay neutral?

jensen: you don’t have to, but if you want, tread lightly. we’ve had enough chaos.

misha: say no more.

when nobody got your back you KNOW dmitri got your back.

ANYWAYS i turned my back for TWO MINUTES and y'all went the fuck off in my inbox so, you know the drill: more under the cut

NO BUT JENSEN’S RESPONSE LMAAAAAO honestly fallout theory is so on oh my God I can’t stop-

on god they are so loud like-

Worst damage control i've ever seen. god bles.

so true bestie

I think Jensen probably just wants to be done with this petty little drama, so if he has to pretend everything between them is okay he is going to be the bigger man and lay it to rest. Whatever is going on between them he definitely doesn't want to sort that out on social media and the earlier he pretends everything is sorted out the earlier people will forget about it again.

Also it's kinda funny how J*red Tweet was like implying they had a misunderstanding but still talk to each other regularly, while Jensen went full on the we grow apart a little bit, because we were busy, let's catch back up. Makes me wonder if they actually talked or if there managers just said hey that's not good pr, let's put that to rest. Also did J*red know before yesterday that they had a falling out or did he just not realize.

- 🐌 anon

literally jensen went out of his way to say 'uhhh we never talk, worstie' god if pr management is involved then they did a bad job. also j*red still does not realise they have fallen out. jshfjdsfh

Jackles was like God bless but we ain’t talking like this worstie

good for her.gif

csdsc heeft gevraagd:

All I need now is for Misha to tweet “ is it safe to come out now?” And I’ll be complete lmfao 😂😂😂

that would have been better than what we got lmfao

I have one fear and it's Jensen being forced to add j*red to his show and his other projects because he couldn't stop whining like a baby,,, ugh i hate him

i pretend i do not see

Kinda selfish of me tbh but i don't want them to be "friends" again, Jensen sweetie run as fast as you can

co-signed

Ok Jensen's answer to Jared tweet made me feel so bad for him. Like, I can see it's damage control and public relations (obviously) but there's stuff behind it. I can't name it, but idk, I felt terrible for texas man this time, I don't think that reply was written with a "love and light energy" or even without much care. I felt some heavy vibes.

- 🌻, who is now a fortune teller and a prophet apparently

yeah i feel hella bad for him to, for having to deal with this shit. nonnie please if you ever have anything to predict, lemme know sjdfhs

You know Jensen's tweet has the energy of like kindergarten wenn an other kid started a fight with you and the kindergarten teacher wants you to forgive each other and hung it out and you really don't want to, but your kindergarten teacher is being annoying and he isn't worth the annoyance either.

- 🐌 anon

you are not wrong

Incredibly thankful that I have the day off from work 😂 I'm with hatching chick anon, the 3 dots read as passive aggressive/insincere to me, and I love it! I haven't spent this many hours on tumblr since I first discovered cockles! (On a side note, the lack of fimmf posts today has me feeling like it's not friday lol) -🐢

i, too, miss fimmf but alas things happen, they do they do they do

I was right. :(

It got almost romantic...

👀

nonnie you know i love you but this is really not the case, like, at all??? idk how you could look at those tweets and think it was almost romantic. it was THEE most scripted, pr bullshit ever. it was staged and fake. idk what else to tell ya

Danneel liked Jensen's tweet

i saw

That is so so awkward I feel so sorry for all of us being exposed to this and so happy I chose to leave the Internet for half a day - tea anon

god bless your stance on that cause i would have hated missing out on this lmao

You know what? I think it’s okay being a 38 year old moron if you’re bringing us this type of content

im happy with the food but still think its not okay tbh

pspspsps Misha this is the perfect day for you to drop the gay Cas essay pspspspsp it is still pride month pspspsps

you know you want to king pspsps

So that JIB6 link (I think it was from your post, right?). I went and watched that bit, and a little more.

Jensen makes a comment about Jared being first on the call sheet because Sam was supposed to be the main focal character.

And that him nor Misha cared about what number they were, so in all that time it never changed.

And I’ll be… if that just doesn’t perfectly sum them up and their feelings on things. And how a certain someone can be petty… 🦚

idk if it was from my post? but maybe? my analysis probably? but yeah things are making more and more sense huh

Ohh that's also an alien? Welcome to the extraterrestial family then, purple alien anon!

Also it's probably because I'm coming off the high this drama gave me but I'm not looking forward to them trying so hard to convince us everything is normal between them. Even though we now Know, they will have to keep pretending. Today (yesterday?) was a shitshow but some masks fell off, at least for a moment and I kinda wish Jensen was less professional 😂

👽

oh for real, fallout theory IS confirmed and nothing they said today will change my mind, it only made me believe in it even more lmfao and with that in mind i am just gonna sip my tea if they try to be buddy buddy on main again

I THINK MISHA UNRETWEETED BUT HE TWEETED "LOVE AND MISS YOU BOTH" I'M LOSING MY DIGNITY HERE - tea anon

yeah he now answered them sjdfhsjfhsf instead of rt

MISHA COLLINS IS A KING I STAN THE RIGHT MAN

YOU SURE DO

I just know Misha’s process was oh crap I have to let people know I’m supporting them and I can’t choose sides. Ok. Retweet. NO. Delete. I love both of you. Yes, good.

sjdfsdfh this makes me think of that post that dissected jackles' birthday post for misha where he used the heart. 'call him bro, that makes it less obvious. nailed it.'

Lol I'm off for a few days and come back to total chaos... God I missed it here

Like the "et tu... #bravo" tweet? Made my day! Frikking hilarious (every time I see it I picture J*red with a pissy frech accent saying it out loud lol) it's just such an incredibly petty hissy fit he threw (I know he tweeted more later on but... Really all that stuff coming afterwards just sounds like damage control)

Missed you Rose

-🐻

LOVE the french accent detail im gonna do this too sdjfhsjfh missed you toooo!!!!

Oh man Misha is really gonna get hate for that I KNOW IT

sigh well. nothing he isnt used to by now, unfortunately

i mean i believe they feel like brothers, but constantly falling back on the “brother” thing to keep up appearances is really starting to feel like “#spnfamily” at this point.

honestly brothers can be very annoying, or so i have heard, so it fits with the fallout theory lmao

They actually said if we’re gonna make this gay we cannot have Jar*d Pad*lecki involved

oh my God this is the funniest timeline to ever exist God bless I’m just waiting to canon bi Mary

king shit tbh

[lilyfreshwater]

This is bit of venting but I should have probably realise that me being like why isnt my friendship with my friends like this when watching tommy and tubbo content or any others (Or fictional friendgroups on shows) was just because I wasnt actually that close with my supposed friends. And there were many red flags that I dismissed and then they basicly ignored me for the last school year. They didnt even acknowlidge my 18th birthday. Which sucks cause last year has so many events that would have been fun with friends.

damn im sorry for you anon. i've been in that situation before where i'm not really close to anyone and it feels so isolating, but trust me it gets better. you'll find your people :)

[suicidemandate]

coming back to this because i like. i forgot to update this even though i wanted to

i am playing the ps5 version for this run and Ohhhh Myyyy Goodddddd okay first of all the environment looks so alive but in the dead kind of way (i have NOT made it past the subway section in the first act yet so i cant speak on the more natural scenes that dont take place inside buildings like the inbetween area to bill's place but i am IN THERE) and its like. Wow. There's colour. YOU KNOW and its really nice i like it a lot. after playing the ps4 remastered version for like ever and ever its really like. its like when i had to get glasses for the first time when i was younger and i looked outside with my glasses and i was like Wow. There's leaves on that fucking tree AND IT WAS WONDERFUL i feel like thats the same feeling i get with this

for gameplay i feel like my shots have become way more DELIBERATE. like this isnt just a matter of you know im playing on hard mode and because its a new game with none of my data transferred over from the ps4, so of course i have to be deliberate with my shots i havent collected enough pills to reduce my weapon sway NO the way the controller OPERATES physically makes it so i have to THINK about my shots. and there are other ps5 games ive played that do this as well like returnal. if you want to use your secondary fire, you have to pull L2 ALLLLL the way down so it requires you actually squeeze but the way tlou does it, it requires you to SQUEEZE R2. like theres a bit of thunkage action ya know and im actually really happy with it the first time i realised it i was like What What hwAt h and i was slightly annoyed by it but now its like. its natural. i like that you know which is more compliments to the new hardware in the ps controllers HOWEVER there are people that have to tune that and test it repeatedly so grats to them for getting it.

i have been having a wonderful little time playing tlou again. i got past the tess scene and i am hopeful that i can beat this game before my birthday. and if i cant then i am asking the folks Hey . It's my birthday. Can I play tlou until i beat it bc they know i LOOOOOOVE this game its like my favourite game EVERRRR!!! yesterday my dad was like "you know if you get a tattoo your first tattoo BETTER be tlou. because i have never met anyone who likes this game as much as you do" and im like You know you're right really

but like what would i get the tattoo of there is so much shit that i could get a tattoo of from tlou. like i could do like. Well im not going to do ellie's tattoo from the second game i feel like thats hers and its cool but its not for me. not to mention its kind of a symbol throughout the entire game But this is not the fucking time i could get ellie's pocket knife but i feel like everyone who likes tlou as much as me gets that tattoo with the "endure and survive" quote. i would need to discuss it with a tattoo artist and stuff but i would like to have a more solid idea before i actually get it permanently inked on my body you know. it would be fun though this is real. but maybe ill get the matching clown tattoos with re and cap first. well it could be first or second WHO KNOWS

ONE MONTH TO MY BIRTHDAY YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!!!!

THE LAST OF US 14TH REPLAY TIME!!!!!

[fanonical]

genuine question I ask as a trans woman, but you say that you don't support hp but you still buy the hp lego sets. Isnt that directly supporting hp? it's been a dissonance that I've had trouble resolving

so the thing about tumblr is that it has a phenomenally low follower engagement rate. we have around 180,000 followers, and as you can see, pretty much none of our original posts break 1,000 notes, and when you take into account how many of those are two notes by the same person (both a like, and a reblog), you realise that most of our posts get somewhere between 100 and 400 people interacting with them.

last year, when i got given a LEGO Harry Potter advent calendar for my birthday, by a family member who knows i like LEGO and that my job involves Harry Potter, i started posting funny little reviews, and even though they didn’t get many notes, we got loads of asks telling us that it made people come back to our blog every day for the whole month, even those who had the calendar themselves, just because they wanted to see my take on it. as somebody whose entire job pivots around daily traffic to this blog, that’s pretty big news! just as a hunch, i took a look at how much money i earned that month, and sure enough: i earned double what i normally do. which is still WAY under what i’d earn full time on minimum wage, by the way, so that’s kind of a big deal for me.

i’m going to be honest -- i like building them. i enjoy the sets, a lot! and i like reviewing them, too, which is part of the reason i do it -- the advent calendars in particular give me a daily routine to stick to, and that’s really important for me at this time of the year when my seasonal depression is beating the shit out of me.

additionally, JK Rowling likely doesn’t make even a penny of the money spent on lego sets; deals like these are usually packaged up by Warner Bros. years in advance, along with videogame/app rights, action figures, plushies, etc., so if she’s made money from this at all, it’ll have been years ago as part of a deal, rather than based on individual sets selling. that being said, you’re right; the purchase of these sets does signal to LEGO that maintaining a relationship with Warner Bros. & Harry Potter makes money, and an organized boycott could change that (though it would be unlikely to) ...but who’s going to listen to a boycott over lego? i mean, man, nobody’s stopped watching the movies. nobody’s stopped buying the books. nobody’s stopped playing the apps, and everybody knows that new videogame is going to break the bank, too, and there actually is a boycott for that one.

finally, i just like them. lego is practically my favourite thing in the world. i could prattle on and on about how technically i haven’t actually bought myself a set in years (besides the charity event i did) and that of the ones i own (including both advent calendars) were gifts, because everybody in my life knows i write about Harry Potter for a living and that my favourite past-time is lego; i could go on and on about how i doubt JK Rowling even knows most of these sets exist, about how even if we stopped giving her money forever she’d still live a long, rich life until she died in a privatized hospital; i could talk your ear off about how even pirating the movies and the upcoming videogame contributes much more to JK Rowling’s relevancy in our culture (by way of making her relevant, newsworthy and talked about) than little plastic toys representing stories that she released 20 years ago... and all of these things are true, but the honest, real truth is, i just like lego. just like you clearly still follow Harry Potter blogs, i still buy lego harry potter sometimes

to sum it up, i get more pleasure from building the LEGO sets of, yes, stories written by a terf, than i would from the faux-progressive purity culture high i would (or rather, wouldn’t) get from telling people how i could never buy a bunch of bricks that, if you put them together in a certain way, form the shape of a castle, because i’m just such a good person.

i know this is a pretty meaningless and messy ramble, but i’ve been meaning to say something similar for weeks. thank you for giving me a reason to, one trans lady to another.

[minehog]

tell me (more) about the modpack Pretty please

YES this modpack has 115 mods, including cores and dependencies, which is actually on the smaller end compared to "Professional" modpacks (which often have 200+ mods on average) It's focused on adventuring and exploration with a lot of building blocks and rpg elements which suits my modded playstyle a lot more. (In vanilla i like to buckle down and build bases or gather resources, but in modded i tend to explore, raid, pillage, plunder, and prosper, as well as gather an assortment of exotic pets.)

It's about a week old if you consider its first successful boot its birthday

It's on 1.16.5 Forge, which is an interesting era to me personally because it was the first version where Forge and Fabric modloaders started to really compete. 1.12.2 was the last big era for mod updates before this, but the change between 1.12.2 and 1.14(?) to a different codebase meant a lot of the mods from that era didn't get updated, or else got picked up by a different author. (which makes them almost impossible to find. it took me years to realise someone had picked up DragonMounts after the Wyrmroost crew dropped it!) Fabric also made its appearance and its higher performance levels and easier codebase meant 1.16.5 mods tend to be a 50/50 split (i think these days its leaning furiously in Fabric's favour and will probably continue to do so until Forge becomes nearly obsolete, but 1.16.5 fabric was so new no one really knew what to do with it and a lot of people refuse to move from forge for various reasons, modders and users alike)

So far on this modpack ive had four separate worlds, the current one included. the first world got deleted because one of the mods id had in there at the time was just fucking it over (rip autism one) and the second i really liked but a butterfly killed it (rip autism....2!). the third Also crashed and i wasnt vibing so i deleted it anyway but the fourth is the current one and im loving it. its called [16M mods help no i spilt my ji](ce). 16M is the categorisation system since i have minecraft worlds on multiple separate custom modpacks running at the same time, so this one tells me its version 1165, modded. ive lost good worlds before by booting them in vanilla accidentally and vise versa.

OptiFine is funnily enough the least stable mod in the entire pack and the cause of most ofthe crashes. I only keep it on for one very important feature, which is that OptiFine lets you selectthe time period between autosaving. In vanilla, autosaving the world is no issue (for the average computer). Modded, however, tends to have a lot more Bullshit that needs to be saved, and a lot of it isnt optimised. Having the normal autosave time tends to lag a modded world out within about three hours for me, so optifine is super important and the crashes arent toooo bad

[latetaektalk]

love of my life | myg

“yoongi was always there for you, was always by your side, was always your rock to lean onto. he was the love of your life, but at one point, you had to come to accept reality and realise that some things come to an end.”

genre: established-relationship!au, heavy angst, fluff that hurts, grieving, pain, a lot of crying

pairing: yoongi x reader

word count: 6.989

warnings: mentions of character death, character death, reader isnt doing well in this, funeral, mention of sick characters, swearing, i dont know what else to tag this so please tell me if there is anything missing!!

playlist: dancing with your ghost - sasha sloan, now that you’re gone - lewis ross, hindenburg lover - anson seabra, just asking - aquilo

a/n: uh, this is a different from what i usually write and ive been trying to figure out how to execute this for months. i dont know how else to write this and im really not sure about the way i executed it, but i dont think i can improve this really? ive been sitting on this for months so i really just need to get it out at this point lol also yoongi and reader call each other toulouse and berlioz from the film aristocats!

The words danced in front of your eyes, bled together and even when you shook your head, you couldn’t decipher them. It was like they were taunting you, playing hide and seek with you and after another second, you gave up trying to read them altogether.

You let the notebook fall shut and land on the counter of the sink. With your hands, you held onto the edge of it. You looked at yourself in the mirror.

A pair of unfamiliar eyes stared back at you and you were about to turn your head to them and give them a smile, a smile that was meant to tell them that it was okay and to not cry anymore, but then you realised you were looking at yourself.

The fluorescent lights of this big bathroom brought out the harsh edges and lines of your face and made you look like a shell of a person. Your eyes were dark, empty and your skin looked grey, ashy almost.

You looked lifeless.

Your throat tightened painfully into a knot and you quickly averted your gaze, settling to stare into the sink instead. A shaky breath slipped past your lips and you could feel a shudder run down your spine. Your knuckles turned white, so white that they almost tore through your skin as you gripped tighter around the edge of the counter.

“Toulouse.”

You would have recognised his voice even if you had been deaf, would have recognised his voice even if the sky came crashing down on you and the world was screaming at you.

Your eyes locked with Yoongi’s in the mirror and almost immediately the corners of your lips started to turn up. There was just something so comforting about simply looking at him, something so calming.

“Berlioz,” you breathed out, blinking at him.

Yoongi was leaned against the wall next to the door of the bathroom and your gaze travelled down his form, admiring the perfectly tailored black suit he was donning. There was something so effortless about him, something so calming, something so familiar. His usual watch was strapped around his wrist and you wanted to tell him just how good he looked, but the words wouldn’t form on your tongue.

Yoongi didn’t seem to care even a little bit that he was standing in a women’s bathroom and that he would definitely get into trouble if he were to be caught. Instead of being warry, he looked as relaxed as ever.

“You okay?”

If you were completely honest, you didn’t remember or notice Yoongi walking in, but you were to blame for it. Your mind was just clouded, so clouded that you barely registered your surroundings anymore.

“Yeah, no, I’m okay,” you mumbled and watched Yoongi tilt his head at you and eye you through narrow slits.

“Are you sure?” Yoongi asked and folded his arms in front of his chest like he was questioning you, a deep knit forming between his brows.

“Yeah, of course,” you said a little too fast. It sounded rehearsed and Yoongi noticed, eyes softening at the sight of the tight smile etched onto your lips. “Why wouldn’t I be okay?”

There was a moment of silence, a moment where Yoongi and you just stared into each other’s eyes and deep down you knew exactly what he was telling you, but you refused to acknowledge it, refused to admit the truth.

“Okay,” Yoongi breathed, nodding before pushing off the wall and walking over to you. When he stopped next to you, you watched him flip open the notebook, finger tracing the first page like he had never seen it before.

“To: Min Yoongi aka Berlioz,” Yoongi whispered, reading out the first line of the page before moving on to the next line. “From: Y/L/N Y/N aka Toulouse,” he read the last line, “Happy Birthday!”

You stared at the letters in front of you, stared at the words you had written down in the notebook many moons ago before you gave Yoongi this notebook as a birthday present and slowly the smile melted off your face.

“Not really accurate anymore, is it?” Yoongi chuckled before flipping open the next page to be only met with your handwriting again.

“You said I could have it,” you mumbled and Yoongi’s smirk grew at your words before he closed the notebook and wrapped his arms around you, pulling you flush against his chest. You wanted to protest for a second, tell him you were going to wrinkle his beautiful black suit, but the words died in your throat.

It was just too nice, too comforting to say something and you needed this, needed this hug. And Yoongi knew it before you did.

You essentially melted in Yoongi’s arms and wrapped your own around him, holding him close to you because you never wanted this hug to end, never wanted to pull away from Yoongi, never wanted to let him go.

“It’s gonna be fine,” Yoongi whispered into your ear and you could feel his breath ghost through your hair. Your arms tightened around him at his words and your eyes fell shut as you rested your head against his chest.

“You’re gonna get through this all,” Yoongi continued and his lips skimmed the crown of your head lightly, “I know you can do this, Toulouse.”

“It just hurts, Berlioz,” you whispered quietly, voice breaking when you finally admitted the truth, when you finally admitted to yourself and to him that you weren’t okay. “It hurts so incredibly much.”

At this point, you just wanted to forget, forget the last couple of days, forget everything that had happened. Deep down, however, you knew that it was the wrong thing to do, that you actually needed to move on, but right now that felt impossible.

Right now you felt like your world was burning up, falling apart, crumbling in front of your feet. You wanted to do something, stop it all, but you were beaten and lying on the dirty floor.

Yoongi hummed and placed his chin on top of your head, rocking you back and forth.

“But you know what to do when it hurts, right?” Yoongi asked, his voice resembling a quiet whisper more than anything else. It was so quiet, so quiet like it was barely there.

Your lips formed a harsh thin line before you swallowed and buried your face deeper into Yoongi’s neck because, of course, you knew, but you didn’t want to think about it, didn’t want to think about it for even a second.

“I know,” you said softly, recalling the words Yoongi had said when you had first admitted to him that you were starting to fall apart, that you were starting to crumble underneath all of the pressure, that you were starting to lose yourself in all of the pain.

“You can do it,” Yoongi said and his arms tightened around you like he wanted to give you some strength. “I know right now it seems almost impossible, but trust me, you can do this.”

Tears started building up behind your eyes and you had to bite down on your tongue to stop them from spilling, but you knew it wasn’t going to work out for long.

The pain was just too much, eating you alive, gutting you inside out, leaving you empty and in pain. You didn’t feel human anymore, barely felt anything anymore except for the numbing pain and you knew that a part of you had died, had died the last few days.

“You’re so incredibly strong and amazing and great,” Yoongi mumbled into your ear, words cutting so deep into you that you teared up again and you felt brought down to your knees. “And there’s nothing you can’t do and this is no different.”

“Every day is a new start, an opportunity to get back up on your feet and fight through it all,” Yoongi continued, words slipping off his tongue with ease like he had prepared these words before. “And I know it’s hard and that nothing seems fair right now, but — and it sucks to admit it — that is just life.

“But don’t let life beat you up, don’t let life tear you down, don’t let life reduce you to nothing, don’t let life stop you and hold you back.”

The tears spilled down your cheeks, running down the same path other tears had run down before. You could taste the salt on the tip of your tongue, could taste the pain and hurt on the tip of your tongue and you wanted to throw up.

“Because you’re incredible, Toulouse.”

The walls you had built up, the facade of being okay fell apart right in front of you. It all crumbled into dust, but Yoongi didn’t judge you for it. Instead, he let you cry out your eyes and kept providing you with the strength you were missing.

Yoongi and you hugged each other for seemingly forever and it was only because Yoongi’s phone went off that you two pulled apart. It stopped after just a second—almost like it wasn’t there at all.

When Yoongi checked his phone, you knew, knew he had to step out and call back. He always had to, without fail.

“Always so busy,” you mumbled with a hint of a smile playing on your lips.

You weren’t mad, by now you were used to it, used to work constantly calling him, used to him needing to call back even if it was two in the morning.

“When you’re as smart as me, people are just always demanding for your attention,” Yoongi laughed with a smile and you rolled your eyes at his words.

“Yeah, you’re so smart,” you snorted and Yoongi grinned at you.

“A genius you might even say,” Yoongi continued before winking at you. You almost bursted out into laughter and it felt so good to talk about something else for once. Only Yoogi could ever make you feel this way, make you feel this way when you were on the brink of falling apart, make you feel this way in mere seconds, make you feel genuinely happy.

“Self-proclaimed genius.”

Now, it was Yoongi’s turn to roll his eyes at you, but both of you had grins pulling on the corners of your lips.

“Please, I’m a genius and you know it.”

“God, you’re so arrogant,” you sighed and Yoongi laughed at your words before sighing and letting silence settle between him and you.

Yoongi and you looked at each other and even though neither of you were speaking, both of you said so much to each other in the silence. You knew what he was thinking and he knew what you were thinking.

“I’m so-”

“It’s fine, Berlioz,” you cut in before Yoongi could apologise and placed your hand on his chest, giving it a light pat. “Do your thing. Call back.”

Yoongi looked at you for a moment before he let his lips split into a smile.

“Thank you,” Yoongi said softly, hand wrapping around your wrist before he brought your hand up to his lips and pressed the softest and lightest kiss on your knuckles. “You’re the best.”

And for the first time, you genuinely smiled and it was all because of Yoongi, all because he was smiling at you too.

“Toulouse.”

“Berlioz.”

Yoongi gave your hand one last squeeze before he turned on his heel and walked out to call back work. You turned to your notebook again, fingers tracing the edge of the hardcover.

When you heard the door behind you click open, you whipped your head around. You were about to ask Yoongi if he forgot something, but then your eyes locked with Miyeon’s. Almost immediately you looked away and turned to the sink like you were busy with it.

You could hear Miyeon step inside the bathroom and you begged for her to just go into one of the many stalls, begged for her to walk past you without talking to you, but you should have known now that things never worked out the way you wanted them to.

“Y/N,” Miyeon started and you hated the way she said your name, hated the fact that she was talking to you at all. You were praying that Yoongi was going to come back in, was going to come in again even though this was the women's restroom and just rescue you, save you from Miyeon, but, of course, that was wishful thinking.

You screwed your eyes shut for a second, letting your head hang as you drew in a much-needed breath. Slowly you peeled your eyes open and met Miyeon’s gaze in the mirror.

Her face was contorted into what could only be described as pity and you wanted nothing more than to turn on your heel and storm out, but you couldn’t, couldn’t because you were too tired and exhausted to.

“I’m sorry,” Miyeon said and your eyes began to travel down her form in an attempt to distract yourself a little. Like you, she was wearing a simple black dress that ended just above her knees. The sleeves were a little long on her and you knew she had bought it in a hurry, just like you had with your dress.

Her words echoed on the walls of the big bathroom and you could feel them haunt you as they bounced around and filled the air.

“I’m so incredibly sorry,” Miyeon kept going and tore her gaze away from you. Her fingers started to fiddle with each other in front of her stomach and she shuffled on her feet as your silence continued on.

You knew you should interrupt her and tell her that it was fine, that you appreciated her words and whatnot, but you didn’t, didn’t appreciate them and at this point, you didn’t give a fuck about formalities.

“I can’t imagine- can’t imagine how hard this must be for you right now,” Miyeon mumbled and her words were obviously chosen very carefully. “Your dad-”

Before Miyeon could finish her sentence, the door to the bathroom flew open again and both of you whipped your head around to see who it was. For a whole second, you thought it was Yoongi, but then you were disappointed a second time today.

The woman who had just entered looked flustered, almost embarrassed when her eyes landed on Miyeon and you, clearly realising that she had interrupted something.

Miyeon stared at her with big eyes and at that moment, you grabbed your notebook and pressed it close to your body. When Miyeon looked at you to say something, you shook your head and spoke your first words and only words to her today.

“I’ll see you outside,” you mumbled and your voice was barely above a whisper. If it had been just a little louder in this bathroom or if your words hadn’t echoed on the walls, Miyeon wouldn’t have heard you.

You hoped you wouldn’t, wouldn’t have to see her again.

You pushed past Miyeon and the woman caught up rather quickly that you just wanted to get out, jumping out of your way like she was scared you would yell at her if she didn’t move fast enough. The door felt heavy as you heaved it open and it took you seemingly everything to get it to simply budge.

“Y/N,” Miyeon started again, but instead of turning your head around or responding, you let the door behind you fall shut and tell Miyeon exactly what you were thinking.

You stepped into the big empty lobby and your eyes scanned every corner, swallowing heavily as chills ran down your spine. There was just something so uncomfortable, alarming, heavy about this room, about the number of flowers that decorated it and centred around those two big doors.

Frantically you searched for Yoongi and seemingly out of thin air, your eyes locked with Yoongi’s across the room. Unlike the time when your eyes had met with Miyeon’s, you felt relief wash through you and your heart quicken in your chest in the best way possible.

The corners of your lips turned up slightly and you started moving towards Yoongi. Your grip around your notebook tightened as you walked towards him.

Yoongi waited for you, standing in front of those grossly decorated doors . Only a few metres separated you from him when the two big doors got pushed open and you came to a screeching halt.

“Y/N!” your mother called out when she saw you and Yoongi stepped away when she started making her way to you. Without sparing Yoongi much of a glance, your mother walked towards you.

You knew she hadn’t done it on purpose and that the last couple days had obviously been rough on her as well if the circles underneath her eyes were anything to go by, but it still bothered you and certain words danced on the tip of your tongue.

When you were about to notify your mother of Yoongi’s presence, he shook his head at you and gave you a look you knew just how to interpret.

“I was looking for you, darling,” your mother whispered when she reached you and combed through your hair, fingers tucking your curls back into place. “Where were you?”

You were too busy communicating silently with Yoongi to answer your mother and when she couldn’t take your silence any longer, she turned her head around and sighed before looking back at you.

“Honey,” your mother started again and Yoongi nodded towards your mother, telling you to focus on her instead of him. Your eyes flickered to her and she was already staring up at you.

Out of the corner of your eye, you could see Yoongi shove his hands into his pockets and you knew he was going to wait, wait silently until your mother and you had finished up talking.

“Where have you been?”

“I- I was just in the bathroom,” you shrugged and your mother frowned a little. It was then that you noticed just how much deeper her lines had gotten and you knew your father’s diagnosis was to blame.

“Okay, but please tell someone the next time before you just walk away. You scared me,” your mother mumbled and you simply nodded. The words of your mother barely registered in your mind and she knew they didn’t, but she didn’t say anything,

Your mother looked down at your hands and pried the notebook out of your grasp before you could protest. You were on the edge of snapping at her, telling her not to take it from you when she continued.

“Why is it wet?” your mother said, looking at her hand before using the sleeve of her black dress to swipe across your notebook. You quickly took it out of her hand and dried it yourself on your own black dress.

“I put it next to the sink,” you said and held onto it tighter this time, not wanting your mother to take it out of your hand one more time.

“Oh, okay,” your mother breathed and there was this uncomfortable silence hanging between you two. You watched as your mother’s eyes wandered all over your face, but they never locked with your eyes. It was like she didn’t know how to interact with you anymore and you didn’t blame her.

Your mother timidly took a hold of your hand like she was scared you would swat her hand away, lacing her fingers with yours before she tugged on it.

“Come,” your mother started and her voice was barely above a whisper. “We have to get back inside.”

Your gaze landed on Yoongi and when he nodded, you budged and followed your mother. Yoongi smiled at you, assuring you with that simple smile it was going to be fine.

Your mother led you to the two big doors and Yoongi silently followed you two. Again, your mother just walked past him and unlike you, he didn’t mind. He just fell into step with you and stayed by your side as your mother opened the door.

So far you hadn’t walked inside yet and when you saw the room that was hidden by those two big doors, your heart sank into your stomach. A second later, it started to beat out of your chest and you stopped dead in your tracks after barely crossing the doorway. The doors behind you pushed you forward a little when they closed behind you, but you didn’t care, eyes roaming the big room.

There were so many people, so many people you recognised and also didn’t recognise and they were all staring at you, focusing on you. Even though everybody was wearing black clothes like you, you felt like you stuck out like a sore thumb.

A painful knot lodged itself into your throat and you could feel your breath labouring. Your eyes shot from one side of the other room to the other and you struggled to find a focus point.

Your world started to crumble in front of you again, started to go up in flames and you were certain that the pain would rip you apart, crush your heart into dust.

Your mother looked at you through tears and you wanted to yank your hand out of her grasp and bolt and never look back, but you felt too weak to even do that. When you shuffled back, your shoes hit the door and your heart quickened immediately.

Anxiety bubbled up in your stomach and you felt like you couldn’t breathe, felt like there was somebody suffocating you, felt like you were going to faint any second, but before everything could spiral into something much worse, Yoongi intervened.

“Toulouse,” he whispered into your ear, his hand landing on the small of your back. “Breathe.”

You did as he said, took a deep breath and after a few seconds, you started to feel okay, started to feel somewhat fine again. Your mother’s hand tightened around yours during it all and you squeezed back when you felt like you were capable to.

Yoongi smiled next to you before giving you a light push, prompting you to start walking away. Your mother immediately led you to the front, past all of the people.

You knew about half of them and half of that half you would even call your own friends, but right now you were so focused on breathing and surviving this that you walked past them without sparing them a single glance, just like your mother hadn’t spared Yoongi a single one.

It didn’t take you long to realise that your mother was aiming for the front and it was then that you saw the gap in the first bench, obviously reserved for you.

“Come,” your mother whispered before sitting down, hand tightening around yours like she was afraid you were going to bolt.

You sat down on the wooden bench and Yoongi filled up the space next to you, finishing up the bench of people. When you sat down, you didn’t let go off your mother’s hand and instead held it tighter, feeling like you were getting lost again.

Your notebook landed in your lap and finally, you let your fingers slip into Yoongi’s. He wrapped his hand around yours, but his fingers felt cold around yours. Usually, you would have pulled away, but this time you didn’t care.

If you had looked down the line, looked down the bench, you would have recognised each and every face, would have realised that they all had come to pay their respects.

You knew you shouldn’t, but it was hard to resist the temptation. It wasn’t like you had given it. Instead, you had just slipped into it and done it, just turned your head around to study the room.

The room was split in the middle by an aisle and on each side, there were rows of benches, almost all of them were filled with people, people dressed in black on this bittersweet day. The sun poured in from the windows, but instead of giving everybody a warm glow, it casted dark shadows and painful contrasts.

Your eyes wandered to the front and it was then that you first saw it, actually saw it. You had heard people talk about it, debate which one was the right one, but you had always been too exhausted, too exhausted to chime in.

Upon seeing it, you knew it was the wrong one.

The casket was black, a rich black with sharp corners and there was just something so scary about it, something so uncomfortable and wrong. It didn’t do him justice, didn’t represent who he really was to the core.

You tore your gaze away, not wanting to spare the abomination that was the choice of this casket any longer any attention and instead your eyes landed on the picture next to it. When you saw it, your heart cracked into dust and the air was knocked out of your lungs.

You almost doubled over at its sight, unable to look at it longer than for a second.

You couldn’t get it out of your head even though you had ripped your gaze away. Tears blurred your vision, but the picture was very much imprinted in your mind. After all, you had taken it when you had attempted to get into photography a long time ago.

He was smiling and looking to the side. The sun had just begun to set and given him this angelic glow. His eyes had reflected perfectly in the light, but your photo barely captured the light and love and hope that had always sparkled in his eyes.

You didn’t remember what you had done on that day anymore, but you remembered how you had felt, how he had made you feel on that day and every other day you had the pleasure of spending time with him.

Bliss and Love.

Without fail, he had always made you feel the happiest and most loved person alive and words couldn’t even begin to capture how thankful you were.

And so it hurt so much more to see his picture up there. It hurt so much more to know that he was in this casket that was supposed to hold what was once him for the rest of eternity. It hurt so much more to realise that he wasn’t going to be with you anymore.

It hurt so much more to come to the conclusion that it was in vain to hold onto the pieces of him.

You had to let go.

“Honey,” your mother whispered into your ear, shaking you a little to rip you out of your thoughts. You snapped your head around and stared at her with big eyes. “It’s your turn.”

When your mother nodded to the front, you realised that you had missed it, missed all of the other people speaking, missed half of the service already.

You let go of your mother’s and Yoongi’s hand and swiped across your cheeks, catching the tears that had almost spilled. You held onto your notebook that was burning through your dress and into your legs, leaving scars on your skin and it hurt so much, but you couldn’t let go of it, couldn’t even if you wanted to.

Your mother gave you a nod when you turned to her and when you looked at Yoongi, he smiled at you and mouthed a single word.

Toulouse.

You wanted to return it, say your part, but you couldn’t bring yourself to say it quite yet.

With shaky legs and buckling knees, you stood up and made your way to the front with your notebook clutched close to your chest like it was a shield.

When you reached the front and put down your notebook on the podium and looked into the audience for the first time, you thought you were going to collapse. Your heart had stopped beating all together after it had pounded so quickly and with such force that it couldn’t catch up with itself anymore.

Your eyes scanned the audience and you swallowed heavily. Maybe it was because you hadn’t slept properly in days or maybe it was because tears were brimming your eyes again, but all of the faces started to blur together.

The second your gaze met Yoongi’s, however, you were brought back to reality. You noticed the eerie silence and you knew everybody was waiting for you to say something.

Somehow you managed to flip your notebook open, fingers tracing the edge of the first page as you read the words you had written down before giving this notebook to Yoongi as a gift.

It was stupid because you knew the words by heart, but you needed to read them just once more before starting, needed to read them to yourself like a mantra before you would start speaking.

When your eyes flickered to Yoongi for a second, he knew. He knew what you were looking at and he gave you a smile. Only you two could recognise the importance of those lines.

To: Min Yoongi aka Berlioz. From: Y/L/N Y/N aka Toulouse. Happy Birthday!

With a shaky breath, you turned to the page you had bookmarked a few hours ago when you had written all of this down in the middle of the night after forcing yourself to.

Unlike the last time when you had looked at the words, they weren’t dancing in front of your eyes anymore, weren’t bleeding together anymore, weren’t playing hide and seek with you anymore. You could read them, decipher them now.

With another heavy and shaky breath, you opened your mouth and looked up from your notebook.

“I’m going to be honest I don’t know how to do this, how to eulogise.”

Yoongi and you locked eyes.

“Usually, I would have asked him how to because he was the smart one out of us two. God, he was so smart. Truly the smartest person I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing.”

Tears threatened to build up in your eyes and a lump started to grow in your throat, but you swallowed it all down.

“Around him I always felt a little dumb, but I think everybody did.”

A quiet laugh travelled through the rows and people nodded, but you kept your gaze on Yoongi, not wanting to look away for even a second.

“He was always, without fail, the smartest person in the room. Somehow, he always knew everything about anything, always knew what to say. He always knew best, knew better than anybody else.”

It was then that you realised that you didn’t need to read the words. You already knew them because they came from your heart.

You kept staring at Yoongi through tears, but even then you could see him clearly. You noticed the angelic glow around him, noticed how the sun complimented his beauty and his beauty only.

It wasn’t fair.

It wasn’t fair that Yoongi was still the most beautiful person amongst this crowd of people, wasn’t fair that he was the only one with an angelic glow around him, wasn’t fair that only his beauty was highlighted by the sun.

It wasn’t fair how ethereal and surreal Yoongi was.

“He was truly a genius.”

Yoongi smiled at your words, but at the same time, you could see the tears build up in his eyes.

“I always liked to say that he was only a self-proclaimed genius, but I think everybody knows that he was definitely not. So please, don’t tell him I called him a genius. He’d totally get a kick out of it.”

Another quiet laugh.

“And because I don’t know how to do this, don’t know how to properly eulogise and I cannot ask him, I’m going to ask for everybody's forgiveness because this will not be good. We all know he would do a much better job at this than I am- I ever could. We all know he would find the right words because he always did, always knew what to say.

“I promise everybody here that this will be awful, the worst eulogy- attempt of a eulogy, attempt of doing him justice anyone of you will ever hear because admittedly I am not quite ready.”

Your voice cracked as you struggled to form the next words, as you struggled to bring yourself to say them. And it took you an eternity to force yourself to continue.

“Not quite ready to say goodbye.”

Yoongi swallowed and the tears started to almost spill, run down his cheeks.

You knew that Yoongi was probably only crying because it pained him to see you on the verge of tears, pained him to see you say goodbye to him, pained him to see you have such a hard time letting go of the last pieces of him, pained him to see you come to the realisation that he wasn’t real, that he was all in your imagination, that he wasn’t here anymore, that he had left earth almost a week ago. Nevertheless, you liked to think that your words brought him to tears, liked to think that you could touch him with your words in a way he usually only managed to touch you.

“But I am going to try, try to say goodbye, say goodbye to him because I know that was what he’d want me to do. I know he wouldn’t want me to hurt, hold onto the pieces of him. I know he would want me to move on.

“So, I will try, will say goodbye to him with this.”

Yoongi started to choke up and so did you, but you fought through it, hands gripping the edge of the podium as you desperately tried to keep it together.

Your eyes continued to bore into Yoongi’s as you fought the hardest fight in your life.

“25 years or 300 months or 9125 days or 219000 hours or 788400000 seconds or simply put, all my life. I’ve known you all my life, spent practically every second of my life with you and, God, I loved every second of it. If I could, I’d wish for more, more time for you, for us. I’d wish for a lifetime for you, with you, a lifetime together so I can love you longer.

“I want to spend every second of the rest of my life listening to you play the piano until you’ve perfected the sonata you’ve been working on for ages, spend every second watching you attempt to make breakfast for us without burning down our kitchen in the morning, spend every second laughing with you until our stomachs hurt and tears brim our eyes and our laughter dies in the silence of the night as we grow tired, spend every second sighing as you go to answer the next work call, spend every second binging ‘Aristocats’ with you until we can both recite every line."

A shaky breath slipped past your lips and Yoongi let the smile fade away and be replaced by a thin line as he tried to swallow the tears and silence the sobs threatening to tear through his throat.

Your voice was weak, barely above a whisper, but you didn’t care. It didn’t matter because only he was supposed to hear.

This was for him and for him only.

“I want to spend every second of the rest of my life loving you.”

Yoongi screwed his eyes shut and you could see him try his hardest not to cry, not to break.

“Because every second I’ve had the honour and pleasure of spending with you, you’ve made me feel just that, made me feel so incredibly loved, loved so deeply that I never knew what to do, loved so unconditionally that I could never thank you enough for it.

“And I want to love you, love you until I can only remember how to love you, love you until my numbered days come to an end, love you so much that I outgrow, outlive my own capacity to love you.”

You paused, biting on your tongue as you swallowed the thick lump that had lodged itself into your throat. It hurt, hurt you so much to do this, but you knew you had to, knew that this was the right thing to do.

“Because you’re incredible.”

Yoongi peeled his eyes open to look right at you and you felt gutted, beaten as you looked into his beautiful eyes.

You let out a breath, sniffling a little before continuing.

“Because you’ve taught me how to open up, how to share, how to empathise, how to be patient, how to listen, how to speak up, how to live.

“But most importantly you taught me how to love.”

A strand fell into your face and you tucked it away, eyes digging further into Yoongi’s.

“And at the same time, you taught me how to dance with tears in my eyes, how to smile with pain ripping through me, how to speak with sobs tearing through my throat, how to live when my world is falling apart, how to buy a notebook and fill it with my own pain, how to be there for my dad through his battle with cancer.

“And I want to promise you my life, want to promise you every little piece of me, but you already have it all. It’s all yours already.”

Even with tears blurring your vision, you could see Yoongi clearly in front of you, could see the pieces of him you were holding onto.

“So, instead I’m going to promise you that every day I will get back up on my feet and fight through it all.

“I’m going to promise you that I will remember all of the lessons you’ve taught me, remember all of the things you muttered quietly in the middle of the night when I couldn’t fall asleep again, remember the words you whispered into my ear when the pain was threatening to rip me apart and consume me whole.”

You licked your lips, voice breaking as the tears continued to roll down your cheeks and stain the pages in front of you. But you didn’t care.

“You can do it. I know right now it seems almost impossible, but trust me, you can do this.”

Yoongi’s teeth sank into his tongue as you recited his words.

“You’re so incredibly strong and amazing and great. And there’s nothing you can’t do and this is no different.

“Every day is a new start, an opportunity to get back up on your feet and fight through it all. And I know it’s hard and that nothing seems fair right now, but—and it sucks to admit it—that is just life.”

The corners of Yoongi’s lips turned up into the tiniest smile as you continued to speak, not needing a single second to think about what to say.

“But don’t let life beat you up, don’t let life tear you down, don’t let life reduce you to nothing, don’t let life stop you and hold you back.”

Your hands tightened around the edge of the podium and you knew if you didn’t hold onto it, you would collapse, your knees would just buckle underneath you.

“Because you’re incredible.”

You pressed your lips into a thin line as you finished reciting Yoongi’s words. He looked at you with this smile on his lips, this bittersweet smile, and you could only mirror it, mirror it because with every word, with every sentence you could feel yourself let go more and more.

There was silence for a few seconds as you caught your breath and pulled yourself together. And if you had looked away for once, if you had taken your eyes off of Yoongi for just a second, you would have realised that everybody else was sobbing already, that you were keeping it together the best.

“You once told me that the average person can remember 10000 faces and recall 5000 of those and if I were ever to fall down the stairs and get amnesia like every girl does in the soap operas we loved to watch and laugh at,” another quiet laugh rippled through the rows, “I will promise you that I will still remember your face. And if my 5000 faces become only one face, it will be your face.”

Yoongi was sobbing alongside the others and you could feel yourself weaken, could feel yourself start to break apart more and more, turn into a weeping mess.

“Yoongi, Berlioz, you might not have been my first kiss or even my first love, but, trust me, you made all of the people before you irrelevant because no one compares to you. You were the only love that truly mattered, you were my one true love, the love of my life.”

Yoongi and you looked at each other and with quivering lips, Yoongi mouthed a single word.

Toulouse.

You smiled.

Berlioz.

Yoongi’s lips split into a bittersweet and painful grin at your response and you remembered it, imprinted it into your mind before you spoke up again,

“I love you, Berlioz.”

You blinked a few times before you closed your eyes. A deep breath filled your lungs as you prepared yourself for it. You whispered the last words and you knew he heard them nevertheless, you just knew,

“Thank you for everything, Yoongi, Berlioz, my genius.”

When you peeled your eyes open again, Yoongi was gone, but that was fine, fine because you got to say your goodbye to him.

You sat down with your notebook close to your heart and this time you didn’t leave space for Yoongi. And when you raised your head, you looked at the picture and saw him.

The love of your life.

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