#I HATE THE TAPPING STOP THE TAPPING
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this song be representing my mental state fr (my depression is getting worse and the voices are getting louder end my suffering please i beg you i cant keep going on like this please just end this repeating cycle i beg of you just end my fucking life i cant go on anymore even the fucking voices are telling to jump off a building and that fucking creature is getting closer and it wont stop tapping on the window god please fucking end me already)
#vent? ish?#vent?#schizoposting#actually mentally ill#please end my fucking suffering#end my misery#I FUCKING HATE MY LIFE#KILL ME ALREADY#LET ME JUST FUCKING DIE ALREADY#I CANT DO THIS ANYMORE#FUCKING KILL MEEEEEE#PPLERAWDXEEE#FUCKIGNRFGDS SHIT#FUCKIGNG#FUCK#I HATE THE TAPPING STOP THE TAPPING#IT WONT LEAVE ME ALONE#IT WONT GO AWAY#ITS ALWAYS WATCHING ME#ITS FOLLOWING ME#GOD SAVE ME FROM THIS NIGHTMARE#I HAVE SEEN ITS FACE#I NOW HAVE TO PAY THE CONSEQUENCES#IT WILL NOT STOP UNTIL IM GONNA GO FUCKING INSANE#NOT EVEN MY FLUCKING CLOSER PEOPLE WILL HELP ME#I HATE TAKING MY ANTI DEPRESSANTS#I HATE TAKING MY MEDS#FUCK EVERYTHING#IM SICK OF THIS SHIT#LKEAVE ME ALONEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
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tfa megatron
#.txt#grips the arms of my seat tightly#i very desperately need to pat her helm. pat pat pat#i also wantt to scratch her she seems scratchable. like when u scratch a satisfying piece of metal#and listen to music while tapping my fingers to the beat on her helm. she would hate that i bet#she'd be like ewwwww stop that and smack me against a wall probably. like a mosquito
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The AI: Me and the pals 😊🥰 Me and the besties 😍😁
Carl and Orren:
#fake ass friends 😭#they hate its ass omfg#most sane trio dynamic#carl @ orren: i'd kill you for a snickers#orren @ carl: i've tried to have you offed#ai @ carl: can i tap that plsplsplsp#carl @ the ai: keep yo hoe ass away from me#ai @ orren: hoe stop trying to kill me#orren @ the ai: hoe stop making my job difficult#did i nail it#dungeon crawler carl#dungeon crawler world: earth#crawler carl#system ai#aicarly#laison orren#dcc memes
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watching silly animals in a silly game about a silly cowboy i care about more than i care abt real people bc i’m silly like that. anyway my horses name is shortcake and him and arthur have matching vests/coats and it’s the cutest thing in the world
#rdr2#red dead redemption 2#arthur morgan#the matching coats/vests were totally accidental btw#but still totally cute#i watch animals now bc i don’t want to finish chapter 6 i hate chapter 6 very much#but while i’m here allow me to tap about how#refreshing#heartbreaking#and inspiring#it has been to meet chapter 6 arthur?????#he’s so???? eager??? to do good???#he’s so eager to do as many good things as he can before he’s GONE#he’s trying his hardest to fix broken things in a world he believes to already be doomed bc thats his one last chance???#and he WANTS to do at least one last good thing that counts??#bc he might be too far gone to be saved but MAYBE if he tries hard enough he can help save SOMEONE#and if that doesn’t make me wanna rip my hair out#chapter 6 shows so profoundly who arthur truly is deep down inside when he’s not presenting to be mean and careless#and i love#i love#i love him#i don’t want him to die but there’s nothing i can do to stop it and that might kill me one day#anyway bye now :D
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y'know originally i had a big "yay i finished my exchange fic!!" post planned but it's literally an entire week late soo. that feels a little pathetic at this point el oh el
that being said - i finished my exchange fic! i have absolutely no control over when it will be posted, but i'll make sure to put it here when it is!
please please please go follow the deadcoddoves twitter account if you're at all interested in this exchange, they'll be posting about everyone else's fics too!!!
#never ever doing writing a fic with a deadline attached again. im too much of a chronic procrastinator for this#i have learned some things about myself though#(1) i tap out at writing about 4k words a day lmao. after getting that much written my brain is drained completely#(2) i am really really bad at not putting things off until the last minute. which i already knew but WOW this made it obvious#anyways!!! gonna go read all the fics i've missed this week! ceil im coming for you#also if we're deep in the tags and confessing things...#y'all i am sooo self-conscious about this fic LMFAOO ohh i hate it. i hate it so much.#thinking about turning comments off on ao3 for it tbh#but i think part of that is because it's so late. like this damn fic was a full seven days late and it's not even my best work???#ohhhh i am Embarrassed. well and truly humiliated#anyways my counterplan is to write a bunch of other stuff im proud of so i can stop feeling like shit lmfao#the mods were very patient and kind tho shout out to them for not hating me
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IM HAVING ANOTHER MOMENT WHERE IDK IF I HALLUCINATED A BUG OR NOT AND ITS DARK SO EVERYTHING LOOKS LIKE ITS MOVING AND IM SEEING SHIT IN THE CORNER OF MY VISION NOW CUZ IM PARANOID
#please be a hallucination PLEASE I HATE DEALING WITH THIS I DONT WANNA WAKE UP MY MOM AT 3 AM ON A WEEKDAY#PLEASE DONT BE REAL#personal#caps tw#caps /#WHY IS IT ALWAYS BUGS BY THE WAY WHY CANT IT BE SOMETHING THAT MAKES IT MORE CLEAR IF I HAVE A DISORDER LIKE DEMONS OR CLOWNS OR SOMETHING#WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE MY BIGGEST FEAR??? STOP TAPPING INTO MY PSYCHE#if it even is a hallucination...
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I haven't PROVEN it yet (going to go buy a supply of bottled water tomorrow as a test), but guys, I'm now fairly sure that out of nowhere I have developed an intolerance to my own area's fucking tap water
The tap water I've been drinking for the last 17 years.
When I visited Tenerife a couple of years ago I drank almost exclusively the fucking Tenerife tap water. Which you're not really supposed to drink. And I was absolutely fine.
When I was in Croatia I filled my water bottle out of a god damned river a few times and I was fine.
And YET suddenly I can't handle my OWN TAP WATER!!!
#draco speaks#i type while miserably drinking tap water anyway because i have no choice right now#tummy hurty :(((#ok but no joke as of today it has in fact been a full 14 days non stop of having sometimes extremely awful indigestion like stomach pain#i am. begging and praying it is only the tap water so i can eat whatever the fuck I want forever#i already hate our water company and they are a known piece of crap shit fucking company so like whatever i want to blame them if anything
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Alternate AU: Reluctant Allies
After losing everything he loved to a malicious and resentful alternate, Seth seeks refuge…from the last person he wanted.
TW: blood, injury, tending to said injuries, referenced character death
Notes: this is around 3,800 words. Also, this takes place literally right after THIS fic I posted a little while ago, and it’s referenced heavily here, so I recommend reading that one if you haven’t already.
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It was around 5:15 in the morning when Gabriel heard the knock at the door. Rapid, yet loud knocks coming from the front door, abruptly waking Gabriel up. They stirred, awakening before glancing at the clock hanging on the blue painted walls in their bedroom. They sighed, sitting up as they ran their fingers through their long, wavy, snow white hair. It felt a tad greasy compared to normal, meaning it was probably time to wash it again, and that they would do, if there wasn’t someone at their door.
They stood up out of bed, rubbing their eyes before taking a hair band off of their nightstand, tying their hair up in a ponytail as they walked to the bedroom door. They were still wearing their night clothes; a grey tank top and silk pants. Though they hated the thought of being seen in something unprofessional and lazily put together, they were too tired to care, especially if the person knocking downstairs was just some random person asking another dumb favor.
They walked down their wooden staircase, seeing the door in the darkness before they flipped the light switch. They groaned when they continued to hear knocking, storming towards the door with their brows furrowed. “I swear to the lord above,” They growled, their British accent not as soft sounding as it normally would have. They swung the door open, expecting to see another person just wasting their time for no good reason. “Do you have any idea what bloody time it—?”
They froze when they actually processed who they were looking at; the tall figure staring at them with dark, emotionless eyes. Gabriel could barely believe it as their tired eyes widened and their posture straightened. “…Greer?”
Seth was standing still, his head low and his messy hair partially draped over his haggard face. His breathing seemed heavy, though barely audible as he stood eerily still. He was covered in small bruises and cuts, partially covered by the dark grey tank top over his torso and the braces around his back and elbows. Blood was lightly splattered on his face, right under his right eye. Gabriel looked towards his left shoulder, seeing a large hole in it, which was oozing blood at a concerning rate. It would’ve been the most disturbing thing about his state if it weren’t for his stare; his blank, dead stare. Gabriel had never felt more uncomfortable from just a simple stare before. Whatever happened to him made him look as though he had his soul sucked out of his body.
“…What the hell happened to you…?” Gabriel asked, almost instinctually trying to conceal their worry.
The lack of a response was haunting, causing a shiver to run up Gabriel’s spine; they started to wonder if it was actually Seth they were staring at. The uncomfortable staring was interrupted when Seth collapsed onto the floor in front of Gabriel, forcing a surprised yelp out of their throat. Seth was barely conscious as Gabriel crouched down, lightly placing a hand on his back.
“Shit…shit…” They muttered to themself, looking back into their home before shaking their head, grabbing Seth’s arm and dragging him inside, trying their best not to think of the blood staining the wood floors. They closed the door behind them before rushing back to Seth, pushing him over, underestimating how heavy he was before finally turning him over onto his back.
Seth’s eyes were barely open, and his breathing was uneven and harsh. Gabriel could tell right away what was happening; he was suffering from blood loss. Gabriel quickly stood up, running to a closet, digging through it before taking out a medical kit. “God…fucking damn it,” They muttered as they crouched down next to Seth. “You couldn’t go to the fucking hospital instead?!”
Seth didn’t respond, barely even looking at them.
Gabriel rummaged through the kit, pulling out bandages, a needle and thread, and a pair of tweezers, along with a bottle of disinfectant. They looked back at Seth, taking in a few quick breaths as they prepared to get blood on them. The thought that they were about to get the blood of one of the worst people they ever met on their hands and clothes made them almost sick, but the thought of him dying was even worse. So despite everything, they decided they had to do what they needed to do.
Gabriel hesitantly removed Seth’s back brace, throwing it to the side before taking a pair of scissors and cutting his tank top, removing it to get to the wound easily. They discarded it as well before looking back at Seth. “Oh…god…” Luckily for Seth, the wound didn’t seem to be as deep as it appeared to be at first glance; however, he was still very lucky it didn’t hit an artery.
Gabriel stared at the wound, seeing something lodged in it. They took in a deep breath before grabbing the pair of tweezers and looked back at the wound, grimacing before slowly grabbing the shrapnel with it. Seth scowled when Gabriel made contact, kicking his foot out before slamming it against the ground. He moved slightly, causing Gabriel to push him back down. They pulled the shrapnel out, seeing what it was through the coating of blood on it; a piece of old metal. They just hoped it wouldn’t give Seth tetanus.
They checked for any more shrapnel stuck in the wound before they grabbed onto the bottle of disinfectant. They poured it onto a wash rag before looking Seth in the eye. “Now…brace yourself, this isn’t going to be pleasant…” They pressed the rag against the wound, immediately making Seth yell out in pain. He writhed around a bit as he screamed, once again forcing Gabriel to push him back onto the ground.
“Stay still, you bastard—” Gabriel said with furrowed brows as they continued to apply pressure to the wound. “Would you rather this, or die from an infection?”
Seth stared at them with an almost sad look in his eyes.
“…Don’t…answer that.” Gabriel said quietly.
Gabriel slowly removed the rag, seeing that it was soaked with blood. They moved it out of the way before grabbing onto the needle and thread. By God, they dreaded what they were about to do, but they supposed their hands couldn’t get any bloodier. “Okay…if you don’t stay still for this Greer, I’m going to knock you out myself.”
Gabriel held their breath as they started stitching up the wound, trying not to gag as they did so. To his credit, Seth did try to stay still, despite the searing pain in his shoulder. His jaw was clenched hard enough he felt as if his teeth would break, trying to suppress his own screams as he pushed through the pain. His breathing was harsh, his chest moving with every sharp breath. Gabriel closed the wound after an agonizing couple minutes, cutting the string with scissors before finally grabbing the bandages.
“You still with me?” Gabriel asked.
Seth glared at them, remaining silent, but he was clearly still conscious.
“Good.” Gabriel sighed. “Can…you sit up?”
Seth grimaced, groaning as he slowly sat up, allowing Gabriel to start wrapping the bandages over his shoulder and chest. He still appeared to be lightheaded, as he was swaying slightly as Gabriel covered up the wound. “What…happened to you?” They asked, their eyes showing genuine concern. Once again, Seth remained silent, instead giving them a pained stare, his heavy breathing being the only thing Gabriel heard from them. Past the pain however, Gabriel saw something else in his dark eyes; grief. That was until he fell backwards, falling unconscious as Gabriel’s calls to him faded away.
When Seth woke up, he was greeted by a stinging pain in his shoulder and soreness all over his body, making it hard to move. He opened his eyes, seeing that he was in Gabriel’s living room, laying on the couch, which appeared to have some sort of tarp over it. He looked around, trying to get up but wincing when his shoulder stung. He glanced towards the front door, seeing various bottles of cleaner and towels, along with wood polish. Seth stared at the front door as he sat up, grimacing as he tried not to move his shoulder too much. He was tempted to just get up and leave, hoping he wouldn’t have to stay with Gabriel any longer than necessary, though after a shot of pain ran up from his knees when he tried to get up, he realized it wasn’t a great idea.
“Oh…you’re awake.”
Seth watched as Gabriel entered the room with a cup of tea in their hand; not for Seth, it seemed. They were wearing different clothes than a few hours earlier, being a white, button up shirt and a pair of black jeans. “I’m missing work for this, you know.” Gabriel said. “Oh, also; I had to throw out clothes because of you, so…I guess you owe me new silk pants.”
Seth stared at them silently as they sat on an arm chair adjacent to him, taking a sip from their tea. “Alright, enough of that; are you actually going to tell me what the hell happened to you,” Gabriel leaned forward slightly. “Or are you going to keep staring at me like I’m stupid?”
Seth’s brows furrowed slightly, though he still had the same blank stare.
“You come to my house at five in the morning, bleeding profusely before you pass out in the foyer.” Gabriel stated. “That’s not something that just happens every Tuesday.”
Seth stared at the ground, his silence starting to become frustrating to Gabriel. Gabriel sighed deeply, placing their cup on the coffee table in front of them before standing up. “Alright, fine, be like that.” They stated before walking out of the room. “Not even a thank you…”
Seth could hear Gabriel going up the stairs as he stared at his feet. His right ear was still ringing, and it didn’t seem to be getting any quieter. He could see how dirty his jeans were, and he could see dirt and blood stuck to his boots. He still had blood on his face, but he knew it wasn’t his. He knew it wasn’t from one of his injuries. It was…
Oh God.
It was Sarah’s blood.
Gabriel dropped something on the coffee table, making Seth flinch before he saw what it was. It was a pair of jeans and a plain grey shirt. “If you’re able to, please change,” Gabriel sighed. “I don’t want you walking around half naked, in filth.”
Seth looked up at Gabriel, who seemed to be half disgusted, and half concerned by how disheveled he looked. Their brows furrowed, they eyes showing genuine worry before they shook their head and crossed their arms. “Ugh, are you going to say anything?” Gabriel questioned. “I demand answers. Why are you here? Why didn’t you go to the bloody hospital instead of making me patch you up? Where is the rest of your little posse—”
“They’re gone.”
Seth’s voice rasped, and Gabriel could barely hear what he even said. When they heard the defeat in his voice, Gabriel immediately lowered their arms to their sides, their frustrated expression fading.
“…Pardon?”
“…They’re gone.” Seth repeated, a little louder as he stared at the ground.
Gabriel’s irritation turned to worry as they watched Seth support his head with his hands, his elbows planted on his knees.
“…What do you mean?” Gabriel asked softly, though they had a feeling they knew the answer.
Seth went back to being silent, his face blocked by strands of his straight, filthy hair. For once, Gabriel understood the silence, and despite them desperately wanting to know more, part of them realized it wasn’t wise to pressure him to answer. They had never seen Seth so…empty. Normally he was either angry and pissed off, or making fun of Gabriel, or laughing sarcastically at Gabriel’s own jabs at him; however, there was nothing of the sort coming from him. It was as if he was nothing but a husk of his former self.
Gabriel stood still, watching as Seth sat on the couch in silence. “You…want a cup of tea? Water?” They asked. When Seth didn’t answer, they decided to get him a drink anyway. They left the living room, walking into the kitchen before they grabbed a mug from their cabinet. Before they could pour anything into it however, a loud, gut wrenching scream came from the living room. They swung around, placing the mug on the counter before jogging back to the living room, seeing where the screams came from.
Seth’s gloved hands were clasped on his hair, his leg bouncing as he yelled in pure mental anguish. Tears streamed down his face as he hit his head over and over with one of his hands, sobbing loudly as Gabriel stood in the doorway. Gabriel didn’t know what they could do, their mind blank whenever they tried to think of the right course of action.
They carefully approached him, sitting beside him on the couch as they stared at him. “I’m…sorry.” Gabriel tried to place a hand on Seth’s shoulder, but as soon as they made contact, Seth slapped their hand away, staring at them with wide, watery eyes. Gabriel was surprised, flinching when Seth made eye contact with them. It almost looked like he was about to murder them with just a look, until his gaze softened and he turned away, his head lowering as he continued to cry.
Gabriel wasn’t sure of what to say to him, instead sighing quietly and deciding to simply be with him for a while. They looked at Seth, unable to stop themselves from feeling sympathy towards him. In the back of their mind, they couldn’t help but think of how their floors were still stained with blood, and despite having washed their hands at least ten times, they still didn’t feel clean. However, for the first time in their life, they felt that Seth’s wellbeing was more important. It may take a while, but Gabriel couldn’t in good conscious leave him to suffer alone.
So they waited.
…
Gabriel pushed open the door to the guest bedroom, flicking the light switch before turning back to Seth, who was standing in the hallway. He was holding the clothes Gabriel handed him, and his eyes were vacantly staring through the door. It was a nice bedroom; much better than the storage space Seth slept in at the BPS headquarters. It even had a bed that wasn’t just a cot that was too small for his height.
“You can stay here for the time being,” Gabriel said. “At least until you’re back on your feet. Just…don’t make a mess. Now go get cleaned up, and don’t pop a stitch.” Gabriel watched as he walked into the room, and reached for the door, closing it behind him. They sighed before walking away, leaving Seth to get situated as they thought to themself.
They couldn’t believe they were letting that unhygienic, ugly man with a criminal record into their house; what would happen to their reputation if anyone found out? They were the lieutenant of the Mandela County Police Department for goodness sake, and they couldn’t afford to be seen with someone like Seth. If they weren’t half as empathetic as they were, they’d have left him outside to bleed on the curb.
Gabriel paused in the foyer of their home, thinking intently to themself after that string of thoughts. The fact that the thought of leaving him for dead even crossed their mind made them question themselves; god damn it, were they really that heartless? Would they really have let him die when they could have prevented it? Did they hate Seth that much? They were trying to protect people; it was their duty. Was Seth really the acception?
Gabriel shook their head, trying to rid themself of their train of thought. Seth wasn’t a good man, and they knew that for certain. Whatever he got himself and the poor young adults he drug into danger in was probably his fault. However, leaving him to die would’ve hung over their head for the rest of their life. So perhaps it would’ve been best for them to humor him, and give him the benefit of the doubt. Though, they hated to admit it; they felt bad for Seth. They refused to let the man himself know that however. Letting him stay at their house was the most hospitality Gabriel would give him.
Seth stood in front of the sink in the upstairs bathroom, washing his face of the blood that made him nauseous just remembering it was there. His hair was down, no longer tied up in a barely put together bun. He stared at his hands as he supported himself on the sink, seeing how scarred and calloused they were now that his gloves were off. He glanced up, seeing the medicine cabinet on the wall in front of him. He was half glad full mirrors were banned along with the televisions; at least it meant he couldn’t look himself in the eye.
He was wearing the clothes Gabriel had lended him, realizing they weren’t necessarily his size. He didn’t really care much however; it just meant he had to shill out some money to get more clothes at some point. At least what he was wearing was covering up the bloody bandages. He sighed deeply, tiredly limping out of the bathroom and walking down the stairs. It was nearing 10:00, and he could see the light coming from the windows in the living room.
Seth glanced towards the couch when he made it to the doorway, seeing Gabriel removing the tarp that was on top of it, which was lightly spritzed with blood. Of course they put it there; it wasn’t surprising they cared about stains in their couch more than the comfort of someone who nearly died. Seth continued to watch before they paused.
“Did your mother ever tell you staring is rude?” Gabriel stated, not even looking back towards Seth.
Seth leaned against the doorway, his half-lidded glare pointed at Gabriel. He looked like he was trying to kill them without even touching them. Gabriel shook their head before they resumed folding up the tarp, sighing deeply. “Look, I’m just trying to clean up your mess.” They said. “The last thing I need right now is to be accused of murder due to blood being splattered everywhere.”
Seth simply stared at them before they continued speaking. “I suppose you wouldn’t understand.” They sighed, walking towards Seth before pausing right beside him, examining how unkempt he appeared. “It’s not like you care much about cleanliness anyway.” They walked away to presumably clean the tarp as Seth watched, his nose twitching slightly. He wasn’t in the mood for bickering, so despite him wanting to tell Gabriel how much of a vain bastard they were, he bit his tongue. He preferred to spend the little energy he had trying to suppress the immense sorrow he felt swelling in his chest. For someone who saved his life, Gabriel sure was being a dick about it.
Seth walked over to the couch, his shaking hand reaching into his pocket. He slid a small, laminated piece of paper out before staring at it through his exhausted eyes, which were still slightly red from over an hour of crying. His brows furrowed as he stared at the photo, his hand trembling ever so slightly. It hurt to look at it, but he couldn’t look away. It was his family.
Seth was at the furthest left of the picture, leaning down to be in frame and due to Cesar having his arm around his shoulders. Cesar was in the center, smiling widely in amusement at Seth’s false look of irritation. Finally, Sarah was standing at the right, leaning towards the other two. Seth remembered she had to hurry to get in the photo, racing the timer on the camera before it took the picture. She nearly tripped and fell, making Cesar laugh slightly. The photo was Sarah’s idea; wanting to commemorate Cesar as a new member, and also trying to emulate a family photo one would hang on the wall.
Seth thought the idea was silly back then, though so much has changed in the near full year since it was taken. Instead of looking at the photo with a warm feeling in his heart, it only made Seth’s stomach churn. He would’ve thrown it in the fireplace that was in front of him, watching the picture burn and turn to ash, but he couldn’t make himself do it. Instead, he laid on the couch, staring at the photo in silence, his eyes watering as he refused to look away. He started to think of the many things he could have done differently to change his family’s fate, but as he laid on the couch, he underestimated how tired he really was.
Gabriel walked around the home, passing through the foyer, trying to desperately ignore the stains, before entering the living room with a cup of tea. They took in a deep breath, as if preparing for something. “Look, I was thinking, and I realized I may have been a bit harsh—” They paused when they saw that Seth was asleep, the man still clutching the photo in his hand. Gabriel quietly approached the couch, gently placing the cup onto a coaster on the coffee table.
They very carefully grabbed the photo, sliding it out of Seth’s hand before looking at it. Seth seemed…happy, even if he didn’t show it, and to their surprise, so did the other two members. They always figured he drug them into his business for no good reason, putting two young adults into danger needlessly. However…they all seemed so happy to simply be near each other. It was surprising, albeit confusing knowing Seth’s track record. Was he really capable of being a good leader?
Gabriel looked back down at Seth before placing the photo onto the table. They walked around the living room, shutting the curtains to block the bright sunlight from outside. Without a single word, they walked out of the room for a moment, only coming back when they retrieved something from the other room; a pale blue, knitted blanket. They threw the blanket over Seth, breathing out of their nose as they stared at the man on their couch. After a few moments they turned and walked away.
Hopefully he took a shower when he woke up; last thing Gabriel wanted was their things to smell weird.
#shmorp writes sometimes#Mandela catalogue#tmc#tmc alternate au#seth greer (tmc)#lieutenant gabriel#blood#blood tw#injury tw#injury#implied character death#heheheheh. heheheh-#anyway I couldn’t stop thinking of this idea so. here it is.#Gabriel and Seth hate each other TM#also I’m not super familiar with medical procedures or like how to tend to wounds. so I hope it isn’t too awfully wrong#oh yeah! one more thing. every relationship in this au is platonic. don’t make me tap the sign.
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because of my stupid ocd Thing I've been drinking exclusively bottled water (beyond coffee + juice) for like, two months now and I got really low last week and have been very carefully rationing my water since- picked up a 4 liter jug today and I chugged like, two cups of water in one breath and I haven't felt sated like that in a w h i l e
#head in my hands. I fucking hate ocd and I hate how EXPENSIVE it can be#because if I didnt have bottled water I would just straight up not drink anything beyond coffee and juice#its. ughhhhhhh!!!!!!!#I want this to stop! I want this particular Obsession to just fucking go away forever#but it's so hard to tell if I'm being irrational or not because like.#the tap water is. realistically speaking. coming out of pipes older than the fucking titanic#and the build up of pipe scum alone makes me feel nauseous to think about. let alone the likelihood of lead in the pipes#and if the water from the brita jug tastes like mold and bottled water doesnt there's a damn good chance#that there actually is mold in there#but I no longer trust the jug itself#so it's gonna have to be replaced and those are expensive!!!!
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@staff get rid of if you click a persons url on a post it takes you to their blog instead of their reblog of that post. Or I will kill you.
#tumblr stop making this site more and more unusable challenge: impossible#not only am I not able to see prev tags anymore#but I can't edit my own posts from a self reblog!#I have a reading log! I need to update it!#and the way I do that is find a self reblog version and just go to the original by tapping my url!#fuck off it's impossible now!#please undo every single update you've done I hate the ads I hate the blaze sponsors#I hate the new desktop update I hate everything
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this girl in front of me won’t stop humming and i don’t wanna ask her to cuz i think it’s a neurodivergent thing but i swear if she doesn’t stop on her own my neurodivergent thing is about to be killing
#accidentally bumped her chair with my skateboard#and ironically enough she hates it#hypocrite ugh i was stimming too :/#guess SHES not afraid to be an asshole#well guess who hates your bitch ass humming every day of the week#and she fucking sits with me everywhere#she doesn’t even know me she’s just#placed there???? coincidentally#and does not. stop. humming. it’s not even a songit’s#mmmmfmfmmsmsmfmfmmmmmfmfmdmmmhmmhmhmhmmmmhhhh#she probably can’t help it but she can stop occasionally#and idk how to ask#and i really want her to ugh i just don’t want her to flip out on me? cuz she’s the type#i am going to kill everyone in this room#i kept tapping her seat with my board so when she asked me to stop it would be then appropriate for me to ask her to stop as well#but idk if that’s mean or not#i just want her to shut tf up#she just moved and went STOP 😡#won’t even give me a chance#also accidentally glared at her whoops#after she did that#i’m pissed#autism vs autism
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I will never forget that time I worked at CVS and a customer was talking to me outside my line of sight, and then the next thing I heard was, "ARE YOU DEAF OR SOMETHING?"
It took every ounce of restraint I had to nor throw punches. Instead, I smiled simply at her and said, "yes, actually, I am. Did you need something?"
#deaf#i'm deaf#work#customer service#i hate people#I'm still human#I'm not contagious#Stop acting like my best friend after you find out#All you have to do is look at me#Tap my shoulder#I don't bite#disability#Just because you can't see it#Doesn't mean it's not there
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if one more employer ignores my application, i will go full on batshit crazy.
tw angry caps
I AM TRYING SO DESPERATELY TO GET OUT OF MY SHITHOLE OF A FUCKING JOB AND NO ONE IS HIRING ME. WHY WHY FUCKING WHY WONT THEY JUST ASK ME FOR AN INTERVIEW?! IM NOT A TERRIBLE WORKER, IM TRYING MY FUCKING BEST
#actually bpd#actually mentally ill#bpd shitposting#actually borderline#bpd#bpd fp#bpd favorite person#bpd mood#bpd problems#bpd vent#tw caps#venting time#i’m gonna off myself soon if this shit doesn’t fucking stop#i got paid today so i checked my account and i got paid less than it costs to pay my goddamn car insurance#which needed to come out of my fucking paycheck because i am dirt poor#but now that it’s less than i have to fucking tap into my dwindling savings account to pay the difference of my insurance AND have money#to fucking live for the next two weeks 🥰#I HATE MY BUM ASS FUCKING JOB GODDAMN
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misery despair suffering etc etc
#purrs#delete later#two thoughts about separate things both causing the despair. thought / thing number 1 which i think ive talked abt on here many times before#but im saying it again: i am not good at being a friend in the ways my friends need me to be a friend. and in the ways friendship is thought#of societally i guess. i isolate myself constantly. i pull away from the opportunity to get closer with people i don’t know as well. i don’t#text back and then when im finally ready it’s been so egregiously long since it was appropriate for me to respond or reciprocate or#whatever it is i am so crushed by guilt and shame and embarrassment that i can’t bring myself to do it. i have so many unread messages and i#wont even let myself open them. and ive been like this for years. and i hurt someone very badly many years ago by being that way. and it was#more complicated than that but sometimes i remember it and how i acted and how i treated them. and i wonder sometimes if they check up on me#and i don’t want to be immature or weird or whatever for talking about it or wondering that openly. but if you do read this and you know who#you are: i am so sorry. i meant whst i said that i would never stop wishing you well and hoping the very best for you. and i hope you have#all of that and more. and im so sorry for not being brave enough to communicate with you or stick around. i really really am. and im sorry#to all the other people i have hurt by pulling away and shutting down and shrinking inside myself and not talking. ik it’s weird to post#that instead of just telling people directly but it’s the guilt. i am fully aware of how many people / groups of people i owe things to /#for but also just… miss. a lot. and want to talk to even though i won’t let myself. i don’t know why im like this and i don’t know how to#stop. but im sorry im not a good friend or even acquaintance or community member. and im talking to everyone now i guess including anyone#reading this bc god knows how many asks and messages i have on here. im sorry. i want to be a better friend. but i also never have spoons. a#and i also want to stay spoonless and cocooned on myself forever and never come out. and i hate that. i want to be a friend. i want to be#kind and giving and loving and generous in the ways you all have been with me. i want to hang out with people and send messages and be there#to lift people up and celebrate with them. but all i can muster is tapping like on social media and it’s horrific. i have gifts to make and#hello / checking in messages to reply to and roleplay starters to post and i just can’t do it right now and im scared i’ll never be able to#again. but it’s a self fulfilling prophecy. if i say i can’t do it then iwont. it’s not enougu to just be aware of it i have to act on it#and change it. but im exhausted and hurting right now and i have been for years and i need to heal first but what if this is healing.#idk. i rambled on that for much longer than i thought i would so nowim gonna say the second thing in a separate post. and it’ll be weird to#post about that in light of this and it’ll be weird to post this at all. but its been weighing on me so heavily today and i don’t want#anyone to think im ignoring them or not aware of being like this or whatever. and posting into the void is easier than telling individual#people to your faces even though i know it’s cowardly. im really truly sorry. i will try to get better once i have the strength to try.#actually yeah no not gonna say the second thing yet. it would be weird to say it now. this needs to sit a little first
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cannot fucking believe i saw a god damn confederate-flag wearing sw-stica-tattooed n-zi at fucking walmart in GOD DAMN ILLINOIS
#liz blogs#tw nazis#standing right there in the self checkout. nobody stopped him.#he was wearing this cringeass 'heritage not hate' hoodie with a bird carrying the confederate flag. and i was like haha cringe#and then i saw. the reichsadIer. plastered across his neck. carrying. the. sw-stika. and all his other. n-zi ink.#girl wtf do you mean Not Hate you're a n-zi that's your fucking Thing. piss off with that.#and like that wasn't bad enough. when i told my dad in the parking lot what i saw and i said i hope he gets hit and dies driving home#my dad said 'we dont talk like that im going to make you walk hom eblah blah blah'#SIR ????? SIR. ***SIR.*** 'THE ONLY GOOD NAZl IS A DEAD NAZl' IS THE MOST AMERICAN SENTENCE IN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE#I KNEW YOU WERE A RACIST CONSERVATIVE PIG BUT DO YOU REALLY WANT TO DIE ON THAT HILL.#DO YOU REALLY WANT TO STAND ON THAT SIDE. DO YOU.#JEEEEEESUS TAP DANCING FUCKING CHRIST IM SURROUNDED BY ASSHOLES
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and I reiterate no Birds birthday post today because I hate him he’s ugly I think he should’ve been killed and I am not kidding
addition: you’ll see in the tags I guilted myself into committing to the bit so. hell be up shortly gimme a moment. fuck me
#NASTY#I know that’s the point#all things considered. he was a good villain. y’know#fucking freak LMFAO#so many people hate him proves Amano got smth righ#right** damn lemme finish. along the line#just bc y’know. the mafia and all#and this was our first real introduction to an#I need my phone to stop ghost tapping and ending my tags early#introduced to an actual***** mafioso. so y’know. a bad guy#and when you consider that then. yeah birds fits right in#FUCK HIM THO IDC!!!!!!!#somehow I’m gonna guilt myself for not committing to the bit#oh I’ve already started fuck me#alright fucking hell. not the bloody twins idc but I fucking hate it here I tricked myself#DAMN
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