#I FEEL LIKE I SHOULD DO SOMETHIGN???? BUT IDK WHAT???

[doueverwonder]

WE REACHED 100 FOLLOWERS OH BOY THANK Y'ALL I LOVE YOU ALL DEARLY EVEN THOUGH LIKE 4 OF YOU ARE DEFINITELY BOTS

[ganondoodle]

this isnt a call out for anyone; i keep getting asked why i even post my opinions on the internet if i dont want to argue whenever i mention how tired i am of people trying to argue with me or proof me wrong

and i just ... for one its bc there are people that have told me they like hearing my opinions bc it makes them feel less alone, its validating to hear that i am not alone and i make them feel less alone (this is a big reason)

then theres the thing .. do you feel good never saying your opinion on anything and just keeping everything to yourself? be it big or small, i tried to do that for years, just trying to crawl deeper and deeper into a hole bc clearly i am the problem and should be able to deal with everything on my own, never say anything, i could be annoying, i could be a burden, and it nearly killed me; i have very few friends and i already spam them enough to feel constantly guilty

and if i did that on some private account ... what use is that, thats the same thing as not saying anything, whats the use of saying anything when no one listens, even to select few, whats the point if others cant find it, there might be people i dont know at all that would find solace in hearing my stupid ramblings about games

its true i lack self control and just tend to talk about stuff when i feel the need of talking, but is that really so bad?

correct me if im wrong but i was never of the impression that posting something on the internet automatically means wanting to debate and argue unless you specifically say or initiate it on someone elses post? like thats why i pretty much always make my own post to complain and dont go on other peoples posts of opposing views, id view the latter as an invitation to argue moreso than the former

when i post some stupid opinion (im talking about harmless personal video game opinions mind you) on my own account who am i bothering, if people agree thats great! if they dont they can just move on- i know people love to discuss and share different opinions but the the ones i most often encounter are ones where its a basically trying to start a fight over whos more right (like theres always one correct opinion to have) or just telling me i am not allowed to feel like i feel-

im aware i cant expect everyone to be able to see a differeing opinion and move on without saying anything, but when i say something, unless its specifically a question, i just do it to vent, to let my thoughts out so they dont slowly gnaw at me, maybe find validation in others also thinking like that (i know i cant also expect everyone to think that way .. i just see it as a form of politeness? sorta?); in all honesty, i dont do it to get told opposing opinions (i know thats maybe a little ... idk, selfish i guess?) bc i usually have seen or heard those already and am saying mine bc i havent seen it before or very very little- what i think is often very much not the majority so the need to say something gets greater the more i see somethign i dont agree with, like an urge to balance it? a call to see if i am alone or not? and much less so to argue or debate over something like that, im tired and exhausted at all times, and have often trouble even getting myself to draw, i dont enjoy fights of any kind, and especialyl so when its about something so completely ignorable like a game opinion i only said bc i wanted it out of my head and bc i have seen that the majority seems to be of a different one

like a sticky note on a wall, not an invitation to a political meeting?

maybe this is something i need to work on and get better at, i havent found a way that lets me get rid of my thoughts in a way that doesnt leave me feeling guilty (like spamming my friends) or to gnaw at me (not saying anything, or somewhere no ones gonna hear it)

i know im incapable of shutting up ever (though at least i got a better control over my emotions by now) and i risk accidentally seeming like im inviting people to a fight but i dont know what else to do

maybe its something i horribly missunderstood about the internet, but its my only outlet for that, i dont have anyone IRL to talk to about my interests, maybe its a flaw that needs work, maybe its just a flaw, i dont know :/

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

aita for not talking to my sister?

we both currently live in the same house with our mother and youngest sister, who is in elementary. the sister i don't talk to is about two years younger than me. dont want to give exact ages but we are both early adults now. we haven't spoken in about six years, just small talk that is mostly just me giving her a message or asking if she wants something to eat.

now, i stopped talking to her because we got into a fight because i told her she could not hold my little sibling (at that time my mom was the only one working and i was the one caring for my three siblings, including the eldest who is disabled, and i was the only one who knew how to care for a baby.) and she told me basically to die. and a lot of her words were just stuff she was repeating from my mom who has like this weird thing against me since ive been young, never really knew why. she would yell at me in front of my siblings and still does sometimes, though not as much since shes older. anyway, i didnt speak to my sister for about two weeks because of that and also it was not the first time she spoke to me in such a hurtful way, until some family members noticed and scolded me for it being as i am her older sibling.

i didn't feel like what she said was right but eventually i realized i do love and care for her so i did try to make it up by walking her home from school and hugging her and buying her snacks from the gas station that was near our house at the time. but i guess my actions afected her and ever sense she had no interest in speaking with me, which my mother does still constantly blame me for.

i feel bad and i did try many times to fix things and even still currently although i know she doesnt care for me i do little things for her. but she doesnt want to talk and at this point i don't feel obligated to even want to keep trying to mend our relationship when she doesnt even care.

then recently things kind of went bad, which i won't go too much into detail about, but she ended up going to a mental hospital for a few days for running away and threatening to kill herself. and she made some comments about me to my mom saying that i didn't care about her and its my fault she did those things, which my mom agreed. then she came home after begging my mom to get her and pretended as if nothing happened. i soon found out from my eldest sib (who this sister is closer to) that she only did that in hopes that she could get somethign from my mom but idk what and why she even mentioned me because then some people came around asking me if i abused her or anything and why i didnt talk to her.

but it made me angry and hurt since i have been working to be a better sibling even in this awful household, ive been trying to treat my baby sibling better too so at least she knows she's loved and not alone. i am working and going to school while she (sibling i am not talking to) gets to sit at home. i get her gifts and she doesnt even thank me. i still love her even though she hates me so much, even though i know she was just manipulated by our mom to feel that way about me. and for her to say that after ive constantly tried to be there even when she didnt want me it just hurted.

now i am so tired and im preparing to leave the house because i cant do it anymore, although i would hate to leave my younger siblings with my mom. and i think i will give up trying to mend our relationship, because i thought she could change but its becoming to much and i cant be here. i know i should not have stopped speaking with her and i regret it, but i feel like my efforts over the years should be acknowledged too.

and i just need to know am i a bad person for feeling this way? should i even keep trying?

What are these acronyms?

[raisinchallah]

you know interesting comparing and contrasting the styles of companions in classic vs new who that i kind of wish they would attempt a more out there companion concept in new who aliens or historical characters or whatever but perhaps with the work towards giving companions more agency and their own stories the new who equivalent of someone like romana is like jack and river you know that it is a bit ridiculous she should functionally be the doctors equal but still fulfills a lot of the standard companion roles and so on but also that like jack and river were extremely popular and fun and i wonder what the dynamic would have been if they traveled a bit longer as a companion like sure they can fuck off any time they like but idk i do find it interesting this like necessity to some degree of the more normal i guess companion baseline idk what it all means but like claras out here with centuries of memories and identities and still has to just have like a regular contemporary life to ground her rather than committing to something a bit more weird and out there tho of course she eventually passes over that threshold and goes from the regular companion side to the river and jack side getting her own weird alien adventures in the end person who thinks about what victorian clara from the snowmen would have been like as a companion or if it would change much at all like would that mean much would it change the power balance if she truly did not want to go back to her regular time that obviously another part of the new companion dynamic is they do things and have lives when not with the doctor so obviously a contemporary human character has a whole life that feels real to the average viewer to go home to and gives something more tangible they want to get back to or can say i value this or have these responsibilities outside of you doctor part of giving companions a bit more agency would people bother or care about like random alien saying i must get back to my moon base my science experiments need me lol is the clara transition from traditional companion to doctor esque figure something that is only compelling because theres that baseline that a character like jack or river who can walk away anytime because they start as equals change that vibe too much to be a solo companion would a historical companion simply be like somethign kind of funny but fundamentally change nothing idk..

[phoebehalliwell]

Oh ok what do you think of a season 7 AU where one of the girls decides that the only way to defeat Zankou is to to romance him like this is an otome game (or taking a page out of their ancestor’s love with the love spell) which sister do you think would do it? 😂

this is so funny bc they did literally pitch it in the show itself piper and phoebe did

Piper: Wasn't there a confidence spell in the Book of Shadows? Phoebe: Yeah. Remember we cast it on that waiter at Quake? Piper: Wow, Quake. That was a long time ago. Maybe we should cast it on ourselves. We could use a little confidence. Phoebe: Yeah, but that won't piss off Zankou. Piper: No, but it might help us get the Book back. Phoebe: What if we switched bodies with him instead? Piper: Can't. He'd be in Magic School. Phoebe: Ooh, right. How about a love spell? We could make him fall for one of us. Piper: (chuckles) Sorry. I'm taken. Phoebe: Yeah, well, I'm not. Piper: Yeah, but you're not that desperate ... are you? Phoebe: Well, those demons do have a way of keeping you warm at night. Piper: Yeah, but that's only because they have fireballs.

which like the text seems to imply they’d be going phoebe for phoebe but like. i am an out and proud piper/zankou shipper idk why but man they just have It like you either get it or you don’t like.... so yeah i’d be going for piper idk we’ll go for a pleo divorce era au or idk leo didn’t come back when the avatars nixed him (and zankou Was the one to help them defeat the avatars so hmm.... like....... idk... maybe a soft moment of mild comfort for piper with her grief but ths undercurrent like don’t trust me bc i will go back to my side and you will go back to yours but i will mourn with you in this moment ooohuuhuu....) Anyways. my favorite little. trope? i don’t think i can call it that bc it doesn’t really happen that much is. you cast a love spell. but then the person still acts the same way. and its like ohhhhh wait. oh wait!! nothign changed. bc they are experiencing zero new emotions. ehehehehhehe

au where they all get launched into an otome game tho lmao.... i feel like they should each get launched into their own viddy game like phoebe gets some kind of lara croft shit but the lesson to be learned there is love is not what she needs she needs self confidence paige i want an alien au bc she’d serve. her lesson is regards to family and how she does actually want to start her own one day (somethign we would have already established as a fear of hers.) (also henry is lready there bc i said so.) but piper gets thrown into like a dating sim like sry ur husband died baby but love is still out there featuring dateables like mark, dan, fireman greg, um... season one josh, manticore baby daddy derek. and then zankou. and piper’s like whoa what is he doing here!!! and zankou is like i don’t know i think we’ve been knocked into a parallel universe or something who are all the dudes and piper’s like oh thank god. oh thank god. i thought you were part of the dating sim. anyways, piper’s trying to figure out how to win and zankou’s just there observing offering sarcastic commentary here and there there’s a moment where he’s like oh no i know this one he’s in your diary and piper’s like you read my diary??? and zankou’s just like yeah lol. anyways. reveal zankou is half witch that’s why he gets human emotions so well and also why the source imprisoned him. one of His past lovers from like 1000ad shows up and we kinda get the skinny on him and learn that he’s a hopeless romantic too oohohooohooo..... anyways. they exit the game when they kiss. <3

[iris-drawssandwiches]

Idk what to do and kinda feel ill... Uh like it's not clear...

I think whatever I just saw might haunt me for life tbh... I might go vomit tbh... Not sure. There are a lot of things that I've seen online that also kinda just haunt my nightmares. I am also unsure what to do about that... I think this final thing just broke what I am able to take. I wish I knew how/what to do this stop some of that. I am unsure. I'll just watch videos to hopefully take my mind off of it and hope someone who knows what to do will deal with it. Gonna probably go watch some videos to go take mind off it of. Sorry fro vagueness and stuff but I am unsure if I should even state what I saw. This is a level of bad thing that would be well expressed by me swearing infornt of my mother. Anwyay gonna just end the post here and subpress this or somethign... idk how that works.

[gyahyahyahayhahayahyahyahyahyaha]

this IS ridiculous and stupid and im only perpetuating it and stewing in it but like my whole, at this point, instinctual, response to being in the presence of this shithead is to go 'i have to kill that shithread/myself' is part of the reason why things are still the same and only getting worse. because i did kinda chose some of the worst time wasting things to focus on all this time and it was in fact just only distracting myself from these thoughts. nothing more. cuz i mean i couldnt really function and do anything else otherwise not without acting on these thoughts. ive been trying to not act on these thougths for so long but i dont have TIME to distract myself from them anymore so like... lol. i ve wasted too much time simply distracting myself and not like. doing anything else that might have... allowed me to extricate myself from this fucking situation. i am yet again, simply just tryiing to offload some of this fucking rage and anger building up. and like. as per usual the same regular thoughts keep pouring in. "what is the point at this point, on not just simply succumbing"

regarless of how things have been since however long ago. i stil have this ingrained fear+anger response. i get so mindbendingly incensed at their mere presence. i was literally cursing and sweaing my fuckign ass off audibly yesterday because i didnt feel safe with them at my back. and of course just simply being around them just pisses me offf and of fucking course instead of doing anything about it they complains to someone else about it. i cant talkt o themn either. what good is that going to do. nothing meaningful or good is going to come out of it.

theres no point. theres no fuckign point. obciosuly i have to focus on what CAN be done antd the more important shit but like. man. cmon. thats the whole issue. I CANT. i cant fuckign focus. and i keep wasting time. whether to distract msyelf or just.simply wasting time. all this time i know ive been focusing on the wrong things but like also its been so hard just keeping up with my fuckign hygiene and like keeping the house clean and it only gets harder becuase we dont have a fucking working DISHWASHER or WASHER or DRYER. and also cuz fo like depression bullshit. i dont want to get into "listing excuses" territory but like. ive BEEN using lots of stupid excuses all thistime. but also like i imagine because that bitch piece of shit is tryna make a more focused effort to cut n run theres no way in hell we're getting any replacements anytime soon. which just again just is making me so mad. this is something ive dreamed of. for so long. now that that stoupid bastard bitch piece of shit is leaving. ive more or less ruined/burned all mybridges so like idk. and i knew this hatred and fear would poison and burn me inside out. and probably catch fire to whatevers near me.

i dont want to say its impossible cuz like... its not. thats the whole thing. but it IS its hard to focuson other things, enough to get them done and dealt with... and even more so when mynumber one go to thought is in fact, "whats the fuckitn point" and so it fuckign cycles

and so it has been these last 20+ years.

i dont want to be like this. buti have been. and even now after all this suicidal ideation and ideas and whatever about "disappearing quietly and without a trace" im still fuckign posting about it... wonder what that fuckign means lol

again. YES its fucking stupid that things are like this. ITS FUCKING PATHETIC i let things get to this point. that i didnt do anything worthwile to mitigate or even TRY really. i did. i used to. but i realied it was kinda fruitless to do what i was TRYING to do and i kinda gave up on everything else. and i internalized that kinda thinking for so ong that i just didnt do anything since then. its pathetic. i could have broken out of this. i could have done SOMETHIN to leave. i should have just run away as a child. I SHOULD have done anything. i should have done SOMETHIGN. i can still DO SOMETHING. BUT AGASIN. i just look at my options. all the shit ihave to do and go,

"WHATS THE FUCKING POINT"

and the only things that i can actually see myself doing are reaching out towards probalby the most extreme and (maybe) unrealistic options out there.

and i say unrealistic cuz if i havent done those things at any point up til now, what chance is there of me doing something now. or when i no longer have a choice......

.............................i still have a fuckign choice

i still have time i guess......

but...a gain that fucking pulsing, overbearing thought leering and looming over my head saying the same shit over n over an over again.

"what is the point"

i can think of some answers to that...... sometimes.

maybe....

but even then its like.

i did this. i let things get to this point.

i made the decisions i did that cut off almost all form of exit. of escape or whatever route coud be taken to get out of this fucking mire.

and im languishing in it like some fucking idiot instead of doing something.

ive ruined my chances and i shouldnt and cant expect help. because what the fuck is anyone going to do that can actually fucking help me. whos to say tha i wont make things worse for whoever does help me. me i guess but i mean like.

the answer has been clear to me for so long now.

leave this place and die in some hole.

OR stay here and languish until you die here or they call the police and whatever happens then happens lol.

......and i like. i know. whenever whatever ends up happening. how i feel now and i how i envision it happenig will more than likely be COMPLETELY different ffom what does actually end up happening. but like. im scared either way . if things go the way i envision them going or if things go the way i dont. im scared of it either way cuz neither will be good.

like far as im concerned my only REAL, feasible options are rotting out on the street, killing myself, going to some prision/mental hospital or all of the above. (and maybe also somewhere inbetween now and then, bleeding out due to whatever going on with my body OR complications arising from losing consistent amounts of blood every day forthe last few years on n off). and well i think i deserve it.

i..... for as long as i can remember. never could see a feasible or realistic future or myslef. i had all these ideas and ambitions based in what might as well be delusion/fantasy because i never realy put all that much time or effort into working towards making those ambitions real or feasible. and now even still i cannot see ahead of me. i cannot fucking envision what continuing to be alive would be. aside from rotting until im actually dead. and then rotting some more. i dont want to die where someone will find me.

ive never been able to see a future for myself.

and like yeah. sure. you can fuckign craft one or whatever...

but..................................

WHAT IS THE FUCKING POINT.

even when i come up with answers to that question that i feel should be pretty strong contenders they always. kinda. just. fall flat.

in the face of everything. else... what am i willing to do for those reasongs. what am i willign to sacrifice. what am i willing to fuckign do. what effort am i willing to put in. i never felt like i was able to honestly or accurately answer those fucking quesitons.

and so again. i just feel like everythign i have is just. upheld by falsehoods. and maybe it actually is. but like. what have i done to say or prove otherwise.

what am i willing to do to make it real.......

i dont know.

ive been doing this same shit for so long.

unable to answer the important questions in any sort of meaningful way that feels solid or real.

yelling at myself to just DO IT, whatever IT may be.

coming up with stupi dlil workaround and convoluted rituals to get myself to do the things I WANT to do. WHATEER that might be. or thigns i NEED TO do. and barely bein able to take care of myself. i mean fuck i live in this house on someone elses money. im NOT taking care of myself. but like ive been so focused on tryna at least clean up after myself that i like just. dont do anything else. except waste time. on shit that doesnt matter cuz i not putting in the effort to make it matter. to make something of it. i.... idk...

like id like to be able to say ive been doing SOMETHIN to get outta this situation. like i have so much shit to catch up on like been essentially.... COLLECTING resources for all the things i need to prepare and do in order to catch up on what nees to be done. collecting resources for... STARTING. but i see these documents and pages and stuf that they require and i just freeze. up. i see they require like other ppl's signatures and like all my personal information like my dead name and alls orts of other shit and i just freeze up. i look at the other boxes to fill out and imaybe ill fill them out. but then i look back at the others. i stop. and then i dont save my progress and then i just. look away. go do something else. distract myself. it just. keeps happening. it keeps fucking happening. i shouldnt have had this many chances to squander. to WASTE. i shouldnt have had this many chances and this much time to WASTE. but i did. AND I WASTED IT ALL. AND I DONT SEE THE POINT IN BOTHERING. LIKE. MAYBE. IDK. MAYBE I DO MAYBE ITS BOTH I DO AND I DONT.

its just been all this same damn stupid ass shit. all the time. what do i have to show for anything.... like maybe i can get some fucking hep if i go see a doctor. for about half a much as i say "i should kill myself" or some more detailed variant of that, i also say "i should go see a doctor" i think about all the shit i needto do for that and i just start thinking. " but like do i even deserve it?" shoul di not just throw all my fucking caution and fear to the wind and just say fuck it!!! and let me live up to all this bullshit ive been sayin about how i DESERVE TO SUFFER??? but like i want to throw my cowardice away. i want to get rid of that. but i have to be careful from now on if i want to continue to have some semblance of a life i can enjoy or whatever. i guess. idk. what does that even mean. for me..................

every time i get to this poitn where i think about shit like this (which is just way too often mind you... theres not a SINGLE fucking day that goes by wihtout me thiking about killing myself or some shit like everytihgn i talked about here) i just think or have some stupid naive hope that i can like yell at myself or logic or trick myself into doing something. anything worthwhile. and then i just sit and stew on these feelings and.......

DO NOTHING.

this really is some stupid worthless whiny baby bitch bullshit but like.... i have to do something or else languish and die. liike i have been all this time.

[post-futurism]

ok so thoughts on Happiest Season under the cut - full spoilers ahead.

i love clea duvall and altho her directoral debut with The Intervention did not succeed critically, i had heard various good and bad things about Happiest Season. As a bi person i was ambivalent to watch it at all after hearing concerns of it being v traumatic for LGBTQ+ people to watch given that Abby is forced to go back in the closet and fake not-dating for her gf’s sake who lied about having come out to her family already is.... Very Bad and very much does happen almost uncritically. John’s honesty about what Abby had gotten herself into was very necessary and I’m so thankful that someone vocalised the absurdity of the situation, but the traumatic & homophobic plot device of pretending to be straight at your gf’s house for christmas isn’t the only thing that makes this a bad film. or at least, it ties in with what really made me disillusioned with Clea Duvall’s storywriting skills... and that’s Harper. 

We’re introduced first to a christmas-loving Harper who displays an adventerous, daring streak by climbing on top of someone’s house to watch the christmas lights with her gf, who is not so into the christmas spirit. When Abby falls off the roof and is hanging on to the gutter by her mittens, it’s really such a perfect metaphor for what happens to Abby in the rest of the film, so perfect that I’m not fully sure if it was even intentional or not. The scene goes like this. Harper says “I’m going to help you!” then promptly disappears. Abby is left hanging from the gutter and the lights in the window she is facing are turned on exposing Abby in a totally vulnerable position before she falls to the ground, an inflatable snowman cushinoing her fall. Harper then appears from nowhere and the two scurry away. And this is what the film basically is. Harper endangering Abby, repeatedly. Calling Abby ‘clingy’ when she’s trying not to fall. Then Harper trying to cushion the fall by her “i love you”s as if that’s really going to fix the trauma/micoaggressions/homophobia she has, repeatedly, allowed to be inflicted on the person she claims to love.

Harper’s mistreatment of Abby throughout the film is disgusting and the fact that the film somehow sweeps it under a rug is as odd as it is astounding. Happiest Season wants to tell a story of a tall cute gay coming out to her parents at Christmas and ending with her family and lover still happily together. It instead tells a story that no matter how badly Harper treats her gf, or how badly her parents have treated their daughter, the love they share for each other will triumph over all the transgressions and all is somehow forgiven. I’m really not buying the genuinity of that for a number of reasons. 

The obvious one being, of course, Harper making her gf go back in the closet. Other reasons are little things that really add up - Abby being forced to sit on a child’s chair at the dinner table at the restaurant which was meant to be funny i guess but underscored how out of place she was in that family, in the role of being a straight person, in even being associated with Harper. This scene showed me how Abby is willing to put up with anything for someone she loves. She is completely selfless in comparison to Harper who time and time again shows how truly selfish and unkind she is. In the same scene there’s Harper’s ex-boyfriend rocking up, there’s Harper’s ex-gf too, and it’s Abby first noticing that she’s not the only person pretending to be someone else. 

The next red flag for me was Harper’s relationships with her sisters. Full disclosure, I don’t have any siblings and i don’t like to be competitive, so i get that sometimes sibling rivalries are a legitimate Dynamic, but i was so unsettled by how vile Harper was to her sisters, in paricular to Sloane. It’s not an act, it’s learned behaviour. If Harper could treat her own sister who she supposedly loves like dirt, then what’s stopping her from one day treating her gf that way? 

then there’s also the whole thing where it seems like Harper didn’t even talk to Abby about her family before at all? Like the only thing Harper really told her was there was some kind of past with Riley, and everything else it seems like Abby found out on her own. ie looking up the speech that Harper’s dad made just so that she could talk to him about it. this is another red flag that i think is not explored well enough in the film. Harper has some serious trust issues that are completely ignored. 

but what’s more odd is that the film tries to make us believe that the drama of making Abby pretend to be straight so that Harper can delay coming out is all somehow a purely Harper problem. As if Harper’s actions don’t affect Abby. John justifies Harper’s drama too when he explains to Abby that this is just Harper’s coming out story and that Abby doesn’t get to control how it happens. Which, ok, i get it but it would be 1000% more valid if Harper didn’t bring Abby along. When Abby does question this, it’s in front of Harper who then steers the conversation to be all about her again. How it’s either losing her parents or losing Abby, and even still she doesn’t vocalise any acknowledgement of how she is mistreating Abby. She doesn’t validate Abby’s feelings, doesn’t apologise, doesn’t think critically about her actions. She’s just a rich girl expecting everyone to be on the same page as her and then is sad and confused when they don’t wanna stick around. 

and that whole thing just makes me so crazy!!! Like yeah, the issues with Harper not coming out IS a Harper issue but it’s not like her behaviour isn’t affecting anyone else. Honestly when Harper did come out (of her own voilition), Abby said “It’s too late” and she should have left because Harper’s whole justification for why they should still be together was just “I was a bastard to my highschool gf and i regret it to this day, and i don’t want to be a bastard to my current gf because i love her.” Like the whole speech really came off as insensitive and clueless. i think that the only reason why Abby ended up forgiving Harper in the end was because she got the go ahead from John. I feel that if John wasn’t in the film at all, it would be totally different. It might have forced Abby to listen to herself and make her own decision about her relationship. Because this person that she loves is actually a selfish, lost person who subjected a whole other person to a traumatic experience when Harper should have been protecting Abby! She didn’t do that ONCE! 

just all in all.. for a film playing up a v traumatic experience that too many LGBTQ+ people know too well, it does nothing to repair the damage. the film assumes that though awful things have been said and done to each other, love and family trumps, and it can all be swept under the rug for happy days. I can excuse a family that loves each other no matter what but i can’t excuse it for THIS family, that has done NO work to earn that as a believable resolution. 

in conclusion, kristen stewart hot and very good actress. clea duvall hot but questionable storywriting skills. 

[espytalks]

something i accidently learned yesterday: if you use subtitles on u tube, idk about mobile, but on desktop you can click and drag them around.

it's really handy for me cause sometimes people put words on the screen, and the subtitles get in the way, and now i don't necessarily need to turn them of just to read something.

[ganondoodle]

Hello! I hope you are doing well. I have been following your concepts on [cursed bird app] for a while now and find your stance on the totk rewrite intruiging. Since twitter ofc is never a good place to elaborate on anything lmao, I figured I would ask on here after finding out about your tumblr.

You are welcome to take as much time as you need for this, but I was very curious to hear more about why you feel totk 'fails as a sequel' in terms of writing. I can agree that the whole zonai thing did come out of left field a little, and I never did like the whole "zelda is once again separated from you for 90% of the game," bit (bc c'mon Nintendo again? Really??) but I was curious about what else you found dissatisfaction in and sought to redo

If your plan though is to do so gradually as you go with the new rewrite concepts you piece together and post, that is fine too. I just get more curious about your opinion bc you always seem to have a *lot* you want to say outside of just tag ramblings xD

Thank you for your time, ik this is a rather long ask, but your view is very vast and different, and I wish to understand the development of it more as I find it on my timeline

Thank you for this ask!

i have talked alot about the things i dislike about totk, all my general talking (not just about totk tho) is tagged with "ganondoodles talks" and all my longer rants should be tagged with "ganondoodles rants" (tho that tag is new idk if i remembered to put it everywhere) so i think it might be easier if you searched for these on my blog bc thats were all my ramblings go and, with no ill intent, have talked about it so much already i kinda dont want to spend hours writing out something that just ends up repeating myself really

somethign i can say that the main thing on why it fails as a sequel to me is .. bc its not .. a sequel really, it reuses map and models but doesnt elaborate on anything from botw (the zonau were barely even a thing in botw and now in totk their stuff looks way different and they have been here all along actually(tm) ) the shiekah stuff is basically erased despite it having been so build into the world of botw (and you could have just .. explored them more bc theres lots of cool stuff to do with them still), characters act weirdly off, stuff that was seemingly build up and was a perfect slide into a sequel either gets ignored or just straight up erased, themes dont match up at all and more

it just feels like they tested the glue mechanic for 3 years and everything else was an afterthought, i felt empty at the end, in a bad way, it felt like the game was actively mocking me for caring so much about botw at times and totk actively hurts botw too imo (with some reveals etc)

they should have just called it an alternative dimension thing like majora and half my complaints could be dismissed, but its not so im super frustrated bc i love botw a ton

if there are more specific questions you are free to ask about it again of course! this is not meant to sound dismissive but me typing out stuff can take a long time and im behind on so much work already qnq

also all development both visual and writing concepts for my rewrite are tagged with "ganondoodles rewrites totk" so you can find everything with that too :D

[mrfoox]

Ok so idk how much and how real the whole '"let's return some mamoth back from the dead' stuff is but the idea itself make me feel so fucking dead inside

[a-small-batch-of-dragons]

Healing

Prompts: So I’ve recently binged all your SS fics practically and I know you SWAMPED in prompts, but if this sounds like something you could enjoy creating I’d love to request a promt as well:

Set in your SS Butterfly Project, could we maybe get Virgil reacting to all the sides (specifically L and Ro) learning to heal, and bouncing between helping sooth everyone’s anxiety over all the changes? I’d just love under appreciated Virgil helping in the moments in between the healing process if that makes any sense…

I appreciate the he*l out of you regardless if you take this prompt or not; and you deserve all the kindness the world has to offer you. ❤️ - mylgbtbabies

I would take any fic where somethigns off and virgil knows it. Someone: Im sure its fine!! Virgil: Idk man Im anxiety my spooder sense be tingly. - anon

If you're taking requests for Sanders Sides uwu can I ask for something Virgil-centric? I just love the emo boy - anon

ahh yes the babes

Read on Ao3

Warnings: ngl this one's pretty much fluff

Pairings: DLAMP, LAMP, DLAMPR, that found family

Word Count: 3538

Healing: To restore to health or soundness; cure.

Healing: To ease or relieve (emotional distress).

* * *

Healing isn’t a linear process.

It’s messy, it’s hard, and no one should expect it to be anything otherwise. Humans are complicated, more often than not brains are absolute garbage, and trying to navigate everything on your own is difficult. Really difficult.

So is learning how to ask for help.

Virgil sighs and leans back against the couch as Roman continues to type on his laptop. He risks a glance up at Princey to see his brow furrowed slightly in concentration. Every so often he’ll quirk his eyebrow in the way that means he just made a hilarious typo and has to go back. Virgil hides a smile as he turns his attention back to his phone. Can’t intrude too much on the process, that’s not how it works. He glances up to make sure no one’s coming down the stairs and shifts his weight again.

“Are you alright?”

There’s Roman, taking care of everyone else first. “I’m good, Princey, just trying not to fuck up my spine.”

“…do you want to come sit up here with me? I won’t mind.”

Virgil cranes his neck back, letting a slow and lazy smile come across his face. “Nah, ‘m good right here. You just make with the typey typey, okay?”

Roman smiles too, victory achieved. “Okay.”

“That’s my Princey.”

Virgil isn’t humble enough to not feel the little rush of pride at seeing a quick flush spread to Roman’s ears as he turns his attention back to his laptop. Suppressing a chuckle, he starts mindlessly scrolling again, getting sucked back into whatever’s contaminating his dash this time. What’s this about a k-drama…?

“Oh! There you are!”

Patton might not notice the way Roman startles, but Virgil does. He looks up and quickly shakes his head as Patton comes the rest of the way down the stairs.

“It’s work hours, Pat.”

“Oh, I thought—“ Virgil gives him a look that he knows Patton understands as Roman is setting the rules here, and he nods quickly— “well don’t mind me, I’m just getting a drink.”

Roman relaxes slightly as Patton bustles in and out of the kitchen, then a little more as Virgil reaches up to squeeze his hand.

“Thank you,” comes the quiet mumble.

“I gotcha, Princey. Work hours are your thing, I’m happy to help.”

Sure enough, a few minutes later, when Logan comes down the stairs carrying his computer, he takes one look at them in the living room before his mouth drops open slightly.

“Is it…work hours?”

“Mhm,” Virgil says, letting his head loll back, “you wanna join?”

“May I? I can be quiet as well.”

Virgil looks up at Roman. Roman glances up, smile softening when he sees it’s Logan, and gently pats the sofa next to him. Logan smiles too and yeah, okay, Virgil’s fine with his edge lord image fading slightly if it means he gets to be fond at watching these two nerds be gentle with each other.

The two of them start to type on their laptops, Logan’s constant murmurs of what he’s working on an amusing contrast to Roman’s silent yet expressive face. Virgil keeps the barrier there, warding off Janus and Remus when they try and drag the others into the dramatics—if anyone, especially Janus, tries to deny that he’s as much a part of it as Remus is, do not under any circumstances believe them—to keep the nerds safe.

After a while, when Virgil re-emerges from whatever deep dive he’s gone on this time—and yeah, he might be looking to pirate that k-drama, maybe—he realizes there’s no more typing. He looks up, a little concerned, only to be incredibly glad no one else is around to see him melt at the sight on the couch.

Roman’s laptop lies partially closed on his lap, the screen just touching the tops of his knuckles. His head and shoulders are angled toward Logan and his eyes are closed. Logan’s glasses are slipping slightly off his face, his head on Roman’s shoulder, eyes closed, lips parted slightly as his hair falls back into his face. His laptop has been set on the coffee table, somewhere safe.

Virgil shakes his head, standing and carefully taking Roman’s laptop from him. He saves whatever’s on it and sets it next to Logan’s. Then he takes the blanket from the back of the couch and carefully drapes it over the two of them. He slides Logan’s glasses from his face and undoes the top button of Princey’s collar. Can’t do for them to have a red mark, after all. And he sits back down to keep watch.

Sometimes, when they’re doing better, they ask for more. Roman comes to him sometimes and asks, very very quietly, but he does ask, for Virgil to come sit with him by his room. Virgil happily takes up residence in the warm spot in the hallway next to Roman’s room, right where the big windows are, soaking in the warmth from outside as Roman closes the door gently behind himself.

Something that everyone had to learn pretty quick once Logan and Roman started reaching out was that both of them are extremely private people. On the surface, it might seem like they’re different—and if they’re being honest, they certainly thought they were very different—but they aren’t. Not really. Roman hides behind being too much, Logan hides behind not being anything. Whether or not anyone actually knows them without any of the facades is up for debate.

Except each other. They…they…know each other.

Virgil would be lying if he said he isn’t a little jealous of how close the two of them have become. There are soft smiles they only have for each other now, little brushes of their hands against each other’s as a constant way of saying ‘I’m here, I see you, are you alright?’ And sometimes it’s Virgil’s job to sit outside one of their rooms as they try and hold each other steady.

Their company feels better than their solitude and it’s up to them to decide where that line is.

Today, Virgil’s just keeping an eye on Roman. Fielding off anyone who comes to knock on his door, glaring away the more persistent ones who don’t seem to understand that Roman needs his space right now, kindly fuck off. Logan comes around the corner and immediately understands and he sees them murmur quietly to each other when it’s time for dinner.

When he watches Logan, it’s a little harder. Because poor Logan is so used to pushing himself to the side to be able to make decisions, to help do things, that Virgil has to remind everyone involved that no, Logan’s enforced a boundary that means he doesn’t want to be disturbed right now, he’s allowed to do that, let’s leave him be for now. Left brain boys have to stick together.

But the others, to a certain extent, are easy. They care about Roman and Logan as much as Virgil does, and if it’s to help them, they’ll do whatever they have to. Protecting them from themselves…that’s another story.

Logan is too fucking good at pretending he’s fine. He’s too good at pretending he doesn’t have emotions, that he doesn’t care what’s going on unless it’s the absolute most illogical thing that’s happening. So, sometimes he has to work a little harder to get Logan to admit it.

“L,” he mutters as the others continue to argue, “check-in.”

“I’m fine.”

Janus shoots him a look as he continues to argue. Virgil tugs gently on Logan’s sleeve.

“No one’s gonna be mad if you say you aren’t, bud.”

Logan shakes his head firmly, eyes still trained on the way Patton and Janus are insisting that they’re the one right.

“Hey,” Virgil says softly, making them take a step back, “I need you to look at me, L.”

“What is the purpose of this?”

“You’re seizing up again.” Logan looks down at his hands, sees the way they’re shaking as Virgil gently runs a finger over the back of one of them. “It’s okay, bud, you’re gonna be fine, you just have to let yourself not be for a moment, okay?”

Logan risks a glance at the others but they haven’t noticed anything. Well, that’s not entirely accurate. Judging by the way Janus is being more dramatic than normal and Roman has turned so his back is facing them, they’ve noticed something’s wrong and are purposefully not noticing anything else.

“Logan,” Virgil calls, “do you need a minute?”

Logan’s mouth opens, closes, then he nods sharply.

“Okay, thank you, I’m really proud of you for saying that. Can I sink you out?”

Another sharp nod.

Virgil sets his hand gently on Logan’s elbow and sinks them out, right outside Logan’s room. He nods to the door.

“Do you need to be alone for a moment? Or do you need me with you?”

Logan looks at the door. His hands shake again. Virgil sees them twitch toward his legs. Then he looks at Virgil and oh, okay, no, Virgil’s definitely coming inside.

“Come on,” he says, guiding hand still on Logan’s shoulder, “just through here, okay? I’m gonna get you a glass of water.”

Logan looks small, Virgil decides he doesn’t like that. He presses a glass of water gently into Logan’s hands, watches as he drinks the whole thing without complaint, and then carefully sets one of Logan’s fluffier pillows into his lap for Logan to hang onto.

“Do you want to sit here for a moment?”

Logan nods, then buries his face in the pillow and breathes. Virgil closes his eyes and starts to breathe too, keeping it slow and steady as he breathes in, then out, then in, then out. When Logan’s breathing starts to hitch, he opens his eyes and scoots a little closer, wordlessly offering a shoulder. Logan takes it after a moment, his face still buried in the pillow even as his head comes to rest on Virgil’s shoulder.

“Let it out, bud,” Virgil murmurs into the crown of Logan’s head, “don’t try and keep any of that shit in you. It’s just me.”

Watching Logan cry isn’t fun. He doesn’t recommend it. But it’s much, much better than the alternative.

“Hey,” he calls again, a fresh glass of water in his hand, “drink, bud, it’ll help.”

Logan drinks, a little slower this time, as Virgil settles back on the bed, one leg folded under him.

“Do you want to talk about it? Or do you want me to distract you?”

Logan shakes his head. “I…do not think distraction would be helpful.”

“Okay. Do you want me to give you the logical reason why this is fine, or the emotional one where I tell you how much we care?”

Logan sniffles.

“Both it is, then.” Virgil scoots closer, ready if Logan needs to lean against him again. “Despite the fact that your role is Logic, no one expects you to be entirely logical. You are a person, you have feelings and emotions, and they are as much a part of you as Logic is. Trying to deny that isn’t logical, nor productive. The reason you are who you are is equally due to both of those things.”

He softens his voice as Logan leans toward him again, smiling at how shamelessly Logan is asking to be comforted.

“And that’s why we care about you,” he mumbles, ignoring the heat rushing to his own face, “because you’re you. You’re…prissy and stuck-up and a know-it-all and it’s perfect, L. You’re our braincell and you’re fucking ours. You’re—you’re not going anywhere.”

Logan’s arms still grip the pillow tightly even as his head nudges its way under Virgil’s chin. Virgil smiles and lets him, only realizing he’s absentmindedly nuzzling Logan’s hair after a minute.

The others will be fine. Logan just needs a moment to check out.

Roman, on the other hand, fucking sucks at letting himself ask.

And yeah, Virgil’s not too proud to admit he still feels sick at how much he’s fucked that up for him. But he’ll be damned if he doesn’t try and fix that now.

Princey’s gig as Creativity isn’t misplaced; Virgil’s equal parts impressed and dismayed at how well Roman’s managed to get himself what he needs without directly asking for it, be it a favor, a piece of feedback, or a conversation.

The one thing he can’t do that with is touch.

Roman needs physical contact like he needs water. He may run hotter than a goddamn furnace but he somehow manages to look cold. Watching him sit himself apart from everyone else hurts now, especially when Janus comes and confesses that he can hear how much Roman tries to insist that he doesn’t need affection from the others.

So, they built a system. Some with Roman’s knowledge, some without. Roman goes to them for comfort when he needs it, but sometimes, when he really needs it, it’s up to them to figure out just how much.

Remus knows his job when it comes to this. His brother is Roman and you don’t get to be a Dark Side without Janus as a dramatic caveat. He’s well-versed in blackmailing self-sacrificing idiots into taking care of themselves.

Remus finds Roman when Roman’s sitting alone, off to the side, staring out into the expanse of the Imagination. He sits down, brushes their shoulders together, and frowns when Roman apologizes and shifts further away.

That’s the first indication.

He suggests they go bother Patton, or sneak out to the field and practice cliff jumping. If Roman’s alright, he’ll roll his eyes and propose an alternative, or agree and they’ll scamper off. But instead, he smiles softly and says no thank-you, politely inviting Remus to stay if he likes, but he’d rather not move.

That’s the second indication.

The third one comes when Remus carefully—really carefully—prods at Roman to see how obvious Roman’s dazed state is. He’s barely there.

Time for reinforcements.

Who gets called depends on who’s around. Since Remus is usually the first one in the chain—although that responsibility does get bounced around—everyone else’s schedules make absolute consistency difficult.

Today, it’s Janus.

He sits on Roman’s other side, pressing their shoulders together. If he’s alright, he’ll lean into him, or at the very least, tolerate it. His presence is strong, enough to coax down his shields and that’ll be the end of it. But today, he scoots away from him too, another apology on his lips.

They exchange a look over Roman’s head.

No one banters quite like Remus and Janus, and sometimes that’s all it takes to pull him out of his head. Sometimes it’s an offer to go flounce around an abandoned castle, and there’s a small smile on his face as they leave.

Not today.

As a last resort, Janus reaches out and gently calls to him.

“My prince, are you alright?”

Sometimes it’s enough.

Not today.

“Alright,” Remus declares, getting up and clapping his hands, “time to pull out the big guns.”

Sometimes he’ll get up and walk with them, sometimes he won’t. He has carried him through the Mindscape before, but it was only once. And that was when he couldn’t actually move and they’d had a murmured conversation where he gave him permission to.

Today he gets up and follows them, confused as to what’s going on. They march him straight to a door and Remus knocks on it.

“Roman’s upset,” he says as soon as the door opens.

Virgil smiles and steps aside, letting him come in. Sometimes it’s a waiting game, sometimes Remus pushes him inside. But today, Roman bows his head and walks inside, letting Virgil close the door behind him.

Sometimes it’s a protest. Sometimes it’s a: ‘this really isn’t necessary,’ or a ‘do we have to do this?’ When that happens he indulges Roman, meets every quip with one of his own until he can knock Roman off-balance with well-placed sincerity and use his distraction to steer him to the bed.

Sometimes it’s an apology. It’s an: ‘I’m sure you’ve got other things to do, I can just go,’ and he shakes his head, tells Roman he’s more than happy to spend time with him. That no, he’s not being rude, that he all but asked for Roman to come. When that happens, he normally clams up, stays quiet, until he relents and gathers Roman up into a cuddle by the door.

Sometimes it’s silence. It’s a bowed head, curled up like a frightened animal, braced for punishment. It’s the moments where the gap between Light and Dark feels uncrossable. It’s the moments where the anger is disappointment, where the frustration is indifference, until he speaks first and murmurs that no, Roman’s not in trouble, he’s not here to lecture him, he’s hurt and he wants to help, as he takes Roman into his arms.

Every time it’s a fight.

It’s knowing that he can’t win because of course, he can’t win but this isn’t something he’s supposed to win but he can’t show weakness but he won’t have a choice because it’s the slow, patient kill that speaks of nothing but kindness and care but Virgil has enough to worry about and he doesn’t get to dump all of his problems on Virgil but he knows he wouldn’t do this if he didn’t care but he cares about everyone and Roman isn’t special but he knows that doesn’t matter and he needs this but it makes him want to rip all of his skin off and start over but then he’d get blood on his carpet and that wouldn’t be very polite either—

Virgil guides him to the couch with a hand on his back, sitting him down and bringing two cups of tea to the table. He cups Roman’s hand around one to gauge how warm it is and if his fingers grow too red, he sets it aside. He sits next to him and carefully reaches out.

Here she is, sitting right next to him, and yet he’s almost nowhere to be found.

He needs to relearn how to ask for comfort, for reassurance, for what he needs, but the wait hurts them both.

I’m trying, I’m trying, I promise, I’m sorry—

It’s alright, I’m right here, just ask, that’s all.

When he finally reaches out, Virgil snaps and bundles Roman into his arms. He tucks Roman up against his chest, letting him wind his arms as tightly as he needs to, guiding one leg, then the other, over his. Roman lets out a little whine as he tucks his face into the crook of his neck. He cards his fingers through Roman's hair and smiles as the poor prince melts into his arms.

The familiar protective instinct swells up and Virgil finds himself wanting very much to wrap him up in his hoodie and keep him safe from the universe.

He keeps his breathing even, hoping his heart doesn’t begin to race from the need to protect the Roman. This is for Roman, this is what he needs, to chase away the worries of the world and be safe.

Sometimes they fall asleep like that. Sometimes Roman needs to cry and he hushes him tenderly. Sometimes he seems convinced that if either of them lets go they’ll fly apart.

It doesn’t matter.

If he feels the safest with Virgil’s arms around him, his head on his chest, his heartbeat in his ear, the world could be on fire and he would not leave his side.

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[biaswreckingfics]

I GOT SO MUCH TO SAYYY!! gosh pls dont find me weird okay, and these are just my personal opinions and im not hating any groups!! but my unpopular opinion is: i think kpop has become very toxic after bts and bp got famous in America. And tbh if you ask me, i wouldnt want any other kpop groups to be famous in America... i only stan exo but i think i speak for all groups when i say they are safe as they are now... of course if exo ever get even more famous i will be happy and proud for their success. But look how fame and America has changed bts and bp... not tryna hate but look theyve changed, idk if anyone else noticed but after fame hits bts, i realised how theyve start to become very...white?? like they are so westernised and like example, they start focusing on America only, they even curse (not a lot but i’d still point out) casually like for example, jungkook singing a curse word in his cover song for jason derulo savage love i think (speaking of cursing, after nct127 got famous in usa mark started getting influenced by them too and he casually cursed like “oh fuck” and everyones like 😃😆) even i curse and im not saying cursing is BADD but yeah i am, and how they sing a whole song in english, not to even mention how toxic america is but in grammys they have sold tons of albums yet they didnt win anything but when they release an english song, they won.

Some half of them americans are very toxic, racist, and just theyre basically acid, like bruh, its evident that once bts got famous there are soooo much hate thrown towards bts too cuz theyre asians, or how some would say theyre gay or look like girls...if my favs (exo) ever get these kinds of treatments (not that they dint but veryy little cuz thank god they ain exposed to the western culture) i will B R E A K, i could never handle that so i would never want that to happen to them. Also noticed how, after bts got famous, most armys are equally as toxic, whether they are just stanning bts just cuz theyre famous there, or like how their fans dont even know anything abt bts and coming after so many groups and their fans. Most of them are fake and i think its cuz of the fame for bts lmao. One thing i’d like to say too tho, is how they are so overrated and their songs are played all the damn time, people would randomly talk abt them, like everywhere you go THEY ARE JUST THERE, like in my opinion if i am an army, i would just feel like they are so common and theres nothing special about them anymore and theres no excitement, like what even is the point anymore. idk if anyone gets me but thats just how i feel about my favs being “wOrLdWiDe fAmOuS”, i will love them and their music but its just something i think about tbh🤷🏻‍♀️ like let me listen to them on my own and vibe and love them, dont play it 24/7 just cuz they are famous and ure tryna get people’s attention, like imagine ure in the subway and u hear ur favs song cuz its EVERYWHERE and ure there like 😐😐 not that u dont love their music but its cuz horrible people dont deserves to listen to their songs, and like people arent going to appreciate them anyway so yeah i feel uncomfortable listening to my favs as others dont even bother, like imagine if that subway is filled with people who are in ur fandom, yall would just hv the best time in the world and VIBE, if not what even is the point. Idk if im explaining it properly, but its badically like, u feeling UNCOMFORTABLE or should i even say SELFISH cuz u do not want to be sharing ur favs with people who dont even deserve to KNOW about them. Basically like seeing how someone you HATE or bullied you back then talking and being all friendly fake with ur BESTEST FRIEND or even boyfriend/girlfriend, cuz u just want to protect them from EVIL (im so dramatic)

And well lastly, no Bts did not paved the way, or “bts is the best and only group” like no, so many amazing artists were breaking records way before bts was even a thing (no hate to bts) but they really need to get slap for having that mindset, they really make a bad image for bts...tbh kpop before was so peaceful (a little toxic but still, compared to now...BYE) and everything was just about idols and fans love, listening and supporting and loving their music and just so comforting... urgh anyway thats all i wanna say and here are some texts i saved relating to kpop groups going famous worldwide uwu

these are also examples, and honestly speaking here, i dont want to be specific as in “exo” cuz i think this happens for ALL the groups out there and the love and relationship between the idols and their fans (family) are just beautiful, but for bts and armys... tbh i feel bad because i just dont see or feel any love they hv for each other (sure we see bts saying i love you armys or armys supporting bts but with all the toxicity in their way, theres just no spark or chemistry or bond no more it’s basically like one direction and their fans and thats all they are, celebrity-fan, but for kpop its family), i can see other groups and their fans interacting or how idols would light up talking abt their fans, but for bts, theres just soooo much mess going on in their fandom its not special anymore, they lost the deep meaning of their group love and IDK HOW TO EXPLAIN IT but YEAH DJSHSKSJ OH and to add somethign else, they got famous in America, look at all the collabs🤡🤡 blackpink with cardi b, bts with nicki etc... not that collabs arent fun... im just saying these american artists... they dont exactly have a good reputation (americans singing about sex (not the good kind), money, girls and drugs) 🥴🥴 dont influenced my faves and let them be exposed to the toxic culture YALL GET ME?? KPOP HAS THE LETTER K FOR A REASON😭😭😭 let them be their own shining star, not everything has to be involved or a part of aMeRiCa to be amazing.... PHEW IVE SAID IT NOW BEFORE ANYONE GETS MAD AT ME, I DONT MEAN TO SOUND RUDE TO YOU, if youre an american and youre no where near being toxic, I LOVE YOU but im just saying, the western culture is toxic and im just saying what ive been observing and noticing🙇🏻‍♀️🙇🏻‍♀️ ps: i still love exo till the max and everything about them is perfect and theyre just amazing people (everything i said that bts and armys dont really have anymore, i think thankfully, EXO (sorry im biased) most fandoms still have so much of the L O V E there and i find that extraordinary) and he fandom is so comforting and amazing and idk dkdjjdjss thats why i dont want them getting famous worldwide...sorry exols ANYWAY THATS ALL FOR MY RANT ITS 4AM AND I AM THINKING OF DELETING THIS💀💀💀 anywya sorry for taking up so much space but i just wanna say I FREKAING LOVE NO EXIT, NO LIMITS, basically all ur exo fics cuz why not🥺🥺 i think ur writing skills are amazing as well as the plots and all especially forsaken, and THANK YOU for two bbhxoc fics😭😭😭 i cant!!! also if u reached here idk i-🥲 i hope u didnt get mad or offended 👀

Reply under the cut!!

Kpop has become extremely toxic with the growth of international fans and the rise of 3rd/4th gen. I wasn't around to experience the previous generations, but I know damn well they weren't a mess like these newer ones are.

Gaining fame in America does seem to change idols, and idk why. The group members change and the music changes also. While I do enjoy hearing idols swear (guilty pleasure) and I am an American so I get to enjoy their English songs, I can see how it makes all the other cultures/countries feel some type of way.

I will say this, though, the Grammys are shit and I dont get why people care so much about them. They've proven time and time again the awards don't go to the best artists. However, this doesn't mean that I think BTS deserved a Grammy imo.

Americans are a very toxic and hate filled bunch (again, I am one, so I get to see this shit every day). I 100% know that some of the hate directed towards Asians is because of racism (as seen by the insane uptick in crime against Asian Americans right now) and because some see kpop male idols as too feminine.

BTS is literally everywhere, which is one of the reasons I stopped listening to them tbh. They'd be in commercials, on talk shows, late night shows, in magazines, on the radio, just everywhere. It took the joy out of watching anything from them just because they were always in my face, so I can see what you mean.

I feel like the relationship between BTS and army has changed (from an outsiders perspective). Its no longer about loving and supporting your group and being happy for them. Now, its "so-so wants this? We MUST do everything in our power and spam every possible thing ever so they get what they want". Its almost frightening. They also no longer care about the quality of the music being put out. Doesn't matter what it is, they stream the ever loving shit out of it and make it break records when, honestly, it doesn't deserve to (again imo).

Lastly, I didnt get mad or offended haha. I understand a lot of these viewpoints, and thank you so much for liking my work!! I do wonder what would happen if I made a true BBH centric fic and not just spin offs or continuations of previous works where oc ends up with BBH 🤔🤔 I think that fic would have too much power haha.

[ohcoolnice]

8, 43, 48 <33

Answered one of these too long so under the cut. also not happy stuff so keep scrolling if that’s not your jam :D

48: Are you a forgiving person? Do you like being that way?

hhaha i just asnwered this one so I won’t answer it again but short answer: yes. not always. :D 

43: Is there something that happened in your past that you hate talking about?

used to be i think my relationship with my ex boyfriend. incredibly toxic and I was with him for a year and I didn’t even love him but he basically manipulated me into staying and he would purposefully try to pit me against my own family so i would stay with him as a support system and I didn’t even realised for a long time he was the cause of 90% of my issues with my parents at the time. He literally, word for word, said to me once (when i told him how good my relaitionship with my dad had been for that month, which hadn’t really happened for me for YEARS like not since the ninth grade and this was four years after and I was finally excited things were going well) and he was so upset when I told him so i was like, “what’s wrong” and he THIS BITCH said “You shouldn’t get your hopes up.” and i was like “I know it’s not going to be perfect forever but I’m just enjoying ti right now.” and he’s like don’t enjoy it too much “If you’re happy I don’t see where I fin it in your life.” I kid you NOT. he also doesn’t know the meaning of the word no and he got mad when I pushed him off me time after time. 

It’s also really hard to talk about because the stuff he did to me and pressured me into doing physically disgusts me and I have so many regrets. It definitely made me a stronger person but like...at what cost. I literally might never want to be in a relationship ever again. I thought i would but he emotionally drained me for so long (needing to know where I was at all times, wanting to know what I was doing, getting upset if we had a different opinion on how long the spongebob tribute at the superbowl should have been - i did not care at all and that was “unnacceptable” so he lectured me in public i wanted to punch the bitch)

anyways so I haven’t really talked about it with anyone even though i finally broke up with him like I think It’s been a year and 3/4 now, almost 2 years (damn) and I just talk about it to myself in an empty room because Idk i guess I’d tried to break up with him so many times in the span of that year that no one expected it to last even though all my friends knew it wasn’t healthy. Basically he followed me home once after a class so I had to run though a building and escape through an alley and i told my friend and she didn’t really even care so I kinda figured no one wanted to hear about it so I stopped talking about it and haven’t. 

unfortunatley the consequence of that was that most of the people in his life that i’ve talked to have some idea of what happened that isn’t true at all so he’s been a liar. He also made a friend of mine cry by conering her and pressuring her for info on me in a mcdonalds MONTHS after we’d broken up. And I’ve also stopped talking to a lot of people and withdrew for a long time. From like everything in my life. But it got easier once I heard some girl slapped him last year :D 

ooo did not mean for this to be this long. i hate talking about it now because I have so much to say and I feel wrong for saying it all for some reason??? Idk. It’s a time in my life I want to forget so I try to ignore it. I was a kid, only 17, and he took advantage of my naiivety and I’m not a fan of that. 

So much of my relationship with matthew and cordelia is that it reminds me so much of my relationship with my ex before we dated. And he became like this completely different person and I hate that person. I don’t think Matthew would do that - i know he wouldn’t, but like, still I think that theirs is a relationship that should stay as friends and that that’s the extent of it. Any more i think just isn’t meant to be and could turn toxic fast. 

k stop talking me. 

8: What would you say is your best quality?

My ability to smile and act like nothing is wrong becuase it got me through hischool and no one knew i was depressed ha. 

but also I like to think I’m caring. My dad and I don’t have a great relationship, it’s like he loves me but he’s also really verbally cruel, so he tells me i’m selfish and a lot of things when he’s mad he just takes it out on me mostly (my brothers as well but I’m his “biggest burden” lol so he takes it out on me mostly which is fine since I have a short amount of patience for anyone attacking my siblings and I’ll immediatley start talking back and it just causes more issues lol) so really i don’t know how much of what he says is true and what isn’t. But he calls me selfish any time I don’t do one thing for him, or don’t do somethign the way he wants it, or if i literally forget anything (i have medically disgnosed horrible memory this one makes no sense to me) he calls me selfish and like a horrible person and whatnot. This is usually normal i just don’t even listen to it half the time i just absorb it and ignore it. 

But despite this i like to think that I’m caring since I do care for people sometimes to fault and I think the fact that I like standing up for other people even if i don’t do it always for myself would be my best quality. Cause it’s fun and i like taking charge idk. It’s part of the reason i probably have issue with authority and taking orders. doesn’t work well. 

Thank u for the ask! I feel really awkward about sharing this much of my life because I’d rather just be this happy go lucky person on her that I am irl but without all the negative parts of my life. Then again most people won’t read this so i think it’s fine :) 

Thanks!

[kitchenalia]

1,14 and 22!

is cat hating misogyny

lol no it is not. i can’t really get behind the sort of visceral hatred some people have for cats, especially when it’s clearly based in misunderstanding behavioral cues and/or those people just being jerks to cats and then being all (surprised pikachu face) about it.

political celibacy

kudos to every woman who feels like this is the best option for her. i don’t think celibacy should be explicitly demanded of anybody, but it very rarely ever is. some people act like this is happening regularly and it’s really not. i don’t think that criticizing heterosexual interactions under patriarchy is demanding celibacy either, just that those interactions can be dangerous & that celibacy in light of this is not an unreasonable path to take. that doesn’t mean that any woman who gets harmed by a man bc of being in a relationship with him or sleeping with him has brought it onto herself though.

drag queens

i go back and forth on this in my own head. i like the idea of drag as an art form, turning gender non-conformity into a sort of explicit and in-your-face performance. on the other hand i think a lot of it is rife with misogyny, it’s a caricature of womanhood no matter what way you spin it. i don’t want to say “i hate drag” bc it’s not true but i do think that people need to think critically about what their performances are saying when it comes to portraying women, because they are performing really oppressive femininity in a way.

idk, i’m way too tired for this. i’m not like “anti-drag” and i think drag is historically and currently important but i’m not down with all of it for reasons i can’t fully articulate. might be somethign for me to look into and form a more solid opinion on.

[espytalks]

i’m still on hiatus as of writing this, but by the time i post this i won’t be.

ive been watching a lot of netflix lately, and i’m pretty much just going through my “to watch” list, so i thought i’d give some thoughts on some of the show’s ive watched so far. 

this’ll probably get super long.

oh shoot i forgot i had this post as a wip. i went on a phase of watchign shows for a bit when i tried to step away from tumblr for a bit a few months back. this is definitely super long, so heads up if you click read more, you’re gonna scroll for a while.

avatar:

i watched this show all the way though at least twice, and many scattered episodes several times over the course of years, up until i stopped watching tv altogether, which was quite a while ago. at some point i realized the last time i watched it, i didn't know i was asexual. it kinda made me realize why i didn't quite get the romancey bits when i was younger.

i don’t want to spoil the show on the off chance you haven't seen it, cause this is one of those i think is best watched unspoiled, but even if ya know it, the show is incredibly fun to watch. 

it has amazing fight scenes, fantastic animation that still holds up (impressive for a kid’s tv show of it’s time, if you ask me,) and incredibly complex and interesting characters that change and grow along with the plot, which raps up nicely by the end of the third season. 

10/10 one of the best shows of all time, even outside of animation. amazing rewatchability, too! 

BNA:

all i knew of this going in was from gifs a friend kept reblogging. 

it’s basically a zootopia-esque story, about a human who has turned into a beastman, which are these human-like creatures that can also turn into animals? it’s kinda weird but ok my suspension of disbelief has worked harder before. it’s also pretty short (12 or 13 episodes i think,) so the story is pretty packed together and moves pretty fast.

i loved the animation. it’s an anime from studio trigger, and i LOOOOOOVE that animation style!! hoooly shit guys it’s SOOOO GOOOOD!!!!!! the colors and general feel of the show visually is just top tier. lots of interesting colors and shapes and expressive poses and expressions! i’d recommend it purely on it’s aesthetic, cause it’s gorgeous.

unfortunately, i think the story kinda sucks. i don’t think it detracts from the show much, but i felt like a couple of the story twists (especially towards the end) kinda came out of nowhere, or where kinda crammed in there as best they could to make it fit. the best twist i think was with shirou, which was set up in episode 1, and i pretty much was expecting that reveal.

tbh, the best episode was the filler one, where michiru plays baseball with some bears. idk man it was just fun. wish there were more episodes like that, where she just got to have fun being a beastman. I did like how the bears stuck around after that episode, though.

8/10 i’d say it coulda been better, but it's till good for what it is. ya can’t have a perfect show, and i’d say it’s still fun. i’d watch it again with someone, cause ey, i liked it. i think i was mainly dissapointed cause i was expecting a lot more, and i watched it right after avatar, which i think IS a perfect show. i’d watch it again, though. it’s good!

She-ra and the princesses of power:

all i knew going in was that someone i watched on youtube thought it was good. i may have seen gifs at some point, but idk. no one i know watches it, or at least they don’t talk about it if they do.

if you liked mlp, you’d like this. it has some very almost corny “friendship is powerful” messages, and it’s obviously girly. it’s still good for all audiences imo, but the sheer girliness of it may be hard to get through at first. it mellows out as it goes on and the story gets a bit darker, but those themes of friendship and love don’t go away. tbh, “power of friendship” is one of my favorite tropes, and this show has a lot of it.

aesthetically, this show id my fucking JAM! PURPLE!!! PURPLE EVERYWHERE!!!!!! HOLY SHIT EVERYTHING IS PASTEL AND PURPLE GUYS I LOVE IT! 10,000/10 man i love purple. The animation wasn’t as good compared to the last two shows i watched, but i mean, i came from anime. that’s not a fair comparison.

i also really liked the story, especially as it went on. Early on, Adora and Catra end up on separate sides of the fight, and it was really interesting seeing the two’s progression in the story. I especially love Catra. i think her progression was interesting, and complex, i loved seeing her manipulate her way to the top. also she’s tsundere, in a way that i actually liked.

i should say i kinda didn’t like Bow at first. The first two-ish seasons, they really played up the girliness with him, but he gets more interesting later on, and ends up really likeable to me. He reminds me of my character Carter, though, in that he’s a male character that is very feminine and ain’t afraid of it. it was kinda jarring at first, but i can respect that.

also, the show has tons of gay characters, and at least one nonbinary one (though they’re a neutral character that initially aligned with the villains. take that how you will.) 

9/10 i think the beginning is a bit too over the top girly, but ya kinda jive with it as the show goes on, and the story gets darker as it goes on, kinda like avatar. if ya liked that, follow it up with this. Also, hnnnn purbleee’

Kipo and the age of the wonderbeasts:

i had no idea what to expect going in. all i knew was what i saw in the promo.

it’s a post-apocalyptic type of setting, where animals are mutated, and most are sentient. humans live underground in secret societies called burrows. kipo is separated from her dad when her home gets destroyed, and meets up with a couple of humans and a mutated bug in order to find her burrow. things escalate from there, there’s more going on, but alla that is spoilers, so i won’t elaborate.

it seems like it’s currently in progress, (i just finished season 2, and i’d bet there’s at least one more season) so i can’t judge it as a whole just yet. it’s interesting, and i like the idea, but tbh i didn’t find it quite as engaging as everything else ive watched so far? I like it, and i’m invested enough to watch the next season whenever it comes out, though. hopefully whatever’s next changes my mind, though. 

i think i mainly just didn’t like the characters much at the beginning? but as i’m thinking about it, they’re starting to grow on me. i like kipo the most, cause she’s a goofy nerd who’s kinda just being nice to everybody, and it’s making her a lot of powerful friends who’ll have her back. i like how kid’s cartoons try and teach ya that being nice is a good thing.

7/10 it’s not bad, and i’d recommend it, but i feel like this story isn’t quite for me. it’s got a lot of potential to end up as something i’d really like by the end, though, so i’m gonna keep my eye on it. 

Glitch techs: 

i’m gonna write a bit before i watch it, but all i know is that its a show a mutual reblogged somethign about once. i think it was the theme song? which, if i remember correctly, was awesome. it looks cool, like a scifi show about kids who save a digital world or smthn.

ah so i never watched this show. will update y’all if i do, but i mean, i got into yougioh gx recently instead so it’ll be a while before i get back to this show. also, kipo got a new season since i started this, and i havent finished it yet but what i saw so far is really good.