#I DONT REMEMBER THE EXACT DETAILS BUT I THINK WE WERE ON SOME SORT OF NETHERWORLD GAMESHOW

[unformula1]

part 2 for that lando fic plzz 🙏🙏 ill patiently wait 🥹

promises - 2 (ln4)

part 1 || lando reaches out to you, and you seek the closure you need (3898 words) a/n: this one is pretty long so take a break mid read if you need. i also spent SO LONG trying to find the right way to close this. if theres any feedback dont be afraid to share. || masterlist taglist/thanks for supporting lol: @unknownmystery22 @hlhl99 @landorris @aleatorio1234 @sopanngon @abq46 @notsoordinaryatlas @hadesnumber1daughter @milk-en-suggarrr @daemyratwst @artsucker12 @pancakes4nina @cmleitora @krishasworld @chicanecharm43381310

“Lando?” You audibly spoke.

Your finger hovered over the notification for a few seconds as you stared blankly at the screen. 

Why would he text you? And more specifically, why now?

You quickly sat back down on your couch, taking a deep breath and mentally preparing yourself. You didn’t even know why you were so stressed about this.

You opened the notification and sat there as the app took what felt like forever to load into the DM.

landonorris: hi, remember me? hope you do :) i’m coming back this week, do you wanna meet up.

Oh. Oh.

You gave yourself a few seconds to process everything, placing your phone face down on the couch. 

Lando Norris just DMed you.

The Lando Norris. 

The Lando Norris who used to be friends with you

The Lando Norris who cut ties with you

“Okay.” You whispered to yourself as the air in your apartment grew tense. You picked your phone back up.

This was so stupid, why were you thinking so much about this? This was still that little kid at the playground who talked about taking over the world with a racing kart.

You stared at your phone, the message glowing on the screen back into your eyes. A small part of you wanted to be bitter, say no, reject him. For all the lost years that you two could've had, for the unfulfilled promises that he probably threw away in favour of his bigger ambitions.

You sighed. Deep down, nothing would ever come between you and Lando. You liked to believe you two would still be as close as you two were back then. Your emotions were feeling all too complex, all too messy. 

You typed in your message and sent them as quickly as possible, before you’d second-think yourself.

hi lando. it’s been a while. i’d love to meet up again. send me the details.

You internally cringed at yourself before switching off your phone. 

Now it was just you, and your thoughts.

You missed Lando but he made all those empty, bland, pointless promises only to ditch them all to fly towards his ambitions; and it took you forever but eventually, you came to peace with it. 

It was probably the hardest thing you had to do, you couldn’t just forget 10-ish years of friendship, some of your purest moments with Lando, your toughest and your wildest moments. You basically grew up with him, and watched him grow, and somehow now you had to live without it.

You never left the town you two grew up in, it never felt right to abandon your entire childhood. Never felt right to abandon Lando. So you stayed, you got your own apartment, your own job. You also visited the playground a few times a month, just for the feels, or when you desperately needed someone to talk to.

No one came close to Lando. Or rather, no one would ever come close to what Lando made you feel. If he was the standard, everyone else fell short.

Sometimes, when things got tough, you’d visit the playground again, sitting at the exact same spot and looking up at the moon, then everything would start flowing back in, all the wishes, the stinging feelings.

But anyway, Lando was gone and that was something that you couldn’t change. 

Your phone chimed again, snapping you out of your swirling thoughts, prompting you to pick your phone back up.

landonorris: i’m free this weekend so i’m coming back if that’s okay landonorris: we have a lot of catching up to do.

You took a deep breath. It wasn’t worth dwelling on the negatives, you could sort that out when he arrived. It was always better to talk about these things in person… right?

He sent you another message.

landonorris: and i have an apology to make

You froze. Oh shit.

You blinked a few times, concerned that your eyes were playing some trick on you.

They weren’t.

You opened the DM on a slight impulse. Looking at the messages, you didn’t really know what to reply.

i’m excited to see you again 

i’ll pick you up at the airport

You settled on liking the message about an apology, at least he would know you weren’t just conveniently ignoring it.

It took some time but it dawned on you the gravity of it all. It was years of disconnection that would culminate in a few days, and it would probably determine if this friendship would continue.

You never thought that one day you’d be messaging Lando again, let alone agreeing to meet up with him. It just felt so unreal, like you were in some sick fever dream, but it wasn’t. This was real.

No normal person would’ve done this, but you and Lando didn’t have a normal relationship, it was both of your childhoods. So this made sense. Right?

It held something in your heart, because you wanted this to continue, you were still that child who never wanted to let Lando leave the airport and never come back. However, you also didn’t know if this was right, more empty promises were only going to hurt you even more.

You took a deep breath.

You were ready for this.

—

You were, in fact, probably never ready for this. You couldn’t mentally prepare yourself for this. How could you?

You were in the taxi on the way to the airport, as you stared at the chat messages. You had messaged each other back and forth for this whole week, nothing more than simple, surface level messages and the occasional “remember when”. Something always felt weird, pretending the years of no contact never existed.

You looked out the window as the giant buildings upon buildings graced your eyes. You hadn’t been here in forever, not since Lando left. You never really needed to leave this place.

You held onto the gift you got for him, which were cookies, the ones your parents used to make for you and him. The ones he loved and always begged for more. You hoped he still liked them.

Around your neck was the necklace he gave you all those years ago, which you still kept by your bedside, just for old-times sake. You hoped he still had his one.

You exited the taxi and walked through the automatic doors of the airport. The gush of air conditioning rushed against your face as you stood there. It wasn’t even peak season and the place was packed. 

You double checked the gate which Lando sent you before making your way over there, gripping tightly onto the packet of cookies. You spent hours finding the perfect packaging for it, maybe you were a perfectionist, or maybe you just wanted it perfect for Lando.

You took some time, since the place had changed a lot since you last came here, but you found the gate. You leaned against a nearby pillar, holding onto your gift for him pretty tightly, almost creasing the packaging. 

You waited patiently for him as your mind reminisced the last time you were here.

His tear stained eyes looking into yours as he hugged you tightly, promising to stay in touch. Then he turned around and left, looking back at you a few times as you couldn’t bear to watch him go.

You dreamt about it a few times, and times where you’d run after him and not let him go, or where he’d stop, turn around and come back to you, choosing not to go. Then you’d wake up.

Now, it was really happening. You would watch him walk out the gates of the airport, not into them. He wouldn’t disappear into the crowd, but he’d be running towards you. Hopefully.

You glanced up at the flight board.

LANDED

You pushed yourself up from leaning on the wall, straightening your posture, taking a deep breath as you waited behind the railings near the exit of the arrival hall. The minutes crept by slowly, your eyes kept darting around, constantly fiddling with your fingers. 

This was real. You were about to see Lando again, after who knows how many years.

Your foot tapped against the marbled floor incessantly, and you felt your fingers tangling and untangling themselves as a large crowd of people flooded into the arrival hall. You felt your breathing grow shaky as the nervousness engulfed your beating heart.

With their luggages, people exited the arrival hall, running up to their family, giving them tight hugs, or those being gifted with flowers. You glanced over at them, smiling slightly at the pure joy that filled the area. As the seconds slowly crawled by, your heart rate increased, thumping hard against your ribcage, you could feel the vibrations around your body. 

Why were you even nervous? You told yourself and closed your eyes, taking constant breaths in and out.

You opened your eyes slowly.

And there he was, in all his glory.

Lando Norris.

Lando’s curls had definitely gotten more curlier, and he grew himself a stubble, which you vividly remember him always being unable to. His face had grown more mature since the last time. 

However, his eyes were still that same brown-blue glistening.

He looked over at you, finally noticing you as you zoned out just looking at him. He smiled, and made a subtle wave. He held his luggage in one hand, having a duffle bag strapped around the handles, and in his other was a black hoodie.

You snapped out of your daze and waved back at him. He picked up his walking speed, rolling his luggage over to the exit of the arrival hall, before snaking around the railing. He wasn’t running, he was brisk walking over to you.

And now you two, were once again, face to face. It would never hurt less, just remembering the last time they were doing this, Lando would be turning away and walking off, disappearing for the next decade or so.

But that was last time. This was now.

Lando placed the hoodie onto the top of the duffle bag, opening his arms slightly. You stood there for a while, your eyes trailing all over Lando.

Then you released your emotions, you felt the tears slowly spill out as you sprinted into his arms, embracing him tightly. Your arms clasped around his body, keeping him in your embrace. You felt his arms slowly come around your body as well as he hugged you back.

You could hear some ‘aww’s in the background of it all but nothing mattered more than this. 

It was years upon years of missing him, and now you had him. It took you two a few long long seconds before you pulled away from him, wiping away the remaining tears on your face. It was clear he cried a little too as he used the sleeve of his shirt to wipe his face.

“Hi.” Lando said after a deep breath. His voice felt so much deeper, so much more different than last time. Only now do you catch his necklace, he remembered, he kept it with him, he’s wearing it. 

Then once again, it felt like nothing ever stood between you two, like the sky could fall and you two would still stand with each other.

“Lando…” You said, trying to sound confident but your voice faltered slightly.

You hand him the packet of cookies and he receives them with visible marvel. His hands felt soft against yours as he took the packet of cookies, placing them in his duffle bag. 

“Well uh…thanks.” Lando said, rubbing the back of his neck, “My hotel isn’t ready for a few hours.”

“We can talk later.” You blurted, “We could eat first.”

He nodded.

The cab ride was silent, too silent for your liking. It made you think again, deeper this time. You genuinely missed Lando, sure you “moved on” but you could never replace Lando. You reminisced again, the same recurring dream you had for the first few months, when you didn’t know if you could see Lando again. The same nightmare which haunted you when you two stopped talking for good.

Lando shuffled closer to you, which pulled you out of your thoughts. He yawned and looked at you, flashing a really subtle smile, running his hand through his curly hair.

He looked at you knowingly, like he knew all your thoughts right now. You smile back, hoping it doesn’t come off as shaky and uncertain. His head slowly falls down towards your shoulder, and you don’t stop him.

His head is now resting comfortably, hopefully, on your shoulder as he shifts even closer to you. You catch a glimpse at his face, it’s peaceful, like nothing in the world could hurt him, like when you two were kids. His breathing is constant, the rise and fall of his chest is tranquil. 

—

As both of you wait outside the restaurant, Lando says, “Actually, I’m not hungry.” 

You turn to look at him.

“Could we maybe just… take a walk.” Lando suggests.

You shrug, you didn’t mind anything. 

“With all your luggage?” You ask.

“Yea, I don’t really mind.” He says.

“Sure.” You reply.

Both of you walk away from the restaurant, walking in some general direction. 

And now, in the endless constant motion of the world, it gave both of you a moment, a moment to talk.

He takes a deep breath, fingers tapping on the handle of his luggage, “Sorry.” His voice softens.

You nod, knowing you couldn’t postpone this for much longer.

“I missed you.” You say after a pause, “I missed you a lot.”

Lando’s head drops as he wipes away what seems like tears.

“I know…” He says, his voice shaky, “I shouldn’t have-”

This was a really bad place to have a breakdown, you tell yourself, even though you felt the growing urge in your body to just let everything loose.

“I can’t stop thinking about how horrible it was.” Lando says, clearly he is letting himself loose, “I didn’t mean to lose contact with you, I know that must’ve hurt you.”

You nod again, not really sure if you should respond to him.

“It’s been haunting.” He says, “I’m sorry.”

“I shouldn’t… no, I should never have left you alone.” He says, “I made all these stupid promises to you which I never bothered keeping and… and it just… you didn’t deserve any of that.”

Lando’s hands are slowly gripping harder and harder onto the necklace around his neck. 

“You basically grew up with me and… I shouldn’t have let anything make me forget that.” He takes a deep breath, “But I did, and I know I hurt you.”

You feel something warm bubbling in your body. It was so stupid, how all you needed was this moment, and it happened on a sidewalk of a randomly busy road. You shut your eyes and take it all in.

“And I know it took me too long to realise that, and I’m sorry that it took me that long.” He says, his voice shaking as time went on, “I’m here now, and please… let me fix it.”

The silence for a few seconds prompts you to speak up.

You gently hold the hand that was gripping his necklace. You feel him loosen his grip.

“You know, when we were still kids, you used to tell me how you’d take over the world and all that…”

Lando’s face darkens as he nods.

“And guess what,” You smile slightly, “You did exactly that, and I’m so… so… proud of you, and nothing will ever come between that.”

Tears brim in Lando's eyes and you don’t know how much longer you’ll last.

“I couldn’t ask for anything better for you.”

Lando slowly falls into your embrace once again, you catch him and tightly hold onto him.

Between sobs, he says, “Please… please I’m sorry, I’ll fix everything.”

You gently pat his back, “You don’t have to fix anything.”

Sure you were bitter about him leaving you alone, but this was Lando, this was the same kid at the playground, and you would never forget that.

Because at the end of the day, you weren’t mad at Lando, you never were, you just missed him. You missed knowing that Lando would be there for you, and that he would stay with you.

You spent all those years just wishing on something new, wondering where it all went wrong and where you went wrong. How all of this fits into the grand scheme of things in your endless dramatic cycle of your life.

The closure was here.

Lando kept holding onto you tightly.

“I promise.” He says, “For real this time.”

For real. 

Years of unfinished stories and failing to find closure in yourself and here it was, presenting itself in the open. You hug him back, and sob softly. You couldn’t care less about what anyone else passing by was thinking. This was just about you and Lando.

“I think we should go somewhere.” You say.

He looks at you and he knows.

—

You sat on the ground next to him, the wooden base of the slide had been repainted. He leaned against you. 

Those years which felt magnified because of your unhealed wounds suddenly felt so small. Only there to serve as a point in time to bring both of you closer to each other.

“I found no one. It was lonely out there.” Lando admits, “No one came close, I was always trying to find something new, something fresh, but everything led me back to…”

He fiddles with his necklace.

“You.”

You feel everything coming into place, like the grey skies overlooking your life were finally moving over, letting the sun peek out from behind them. You closed your eyes and looked up into the sky. 

This was it. This was everything. This was all you asked for.

Your recurring nightmare became insignificant. It didn’t scare you anymore.

You shifted yourself so you were lying on the floor, which was probably dirty but it didn’t matter. Lando positioned his head so it was laying on your chest, so he felt the restful rise and fall of your breathing, and you felt… at peace, for once.

“I’ve been waiting...” You say, unable to finish your sentence as your voice cracks.

“And I won’t let you go, ever again.” 

— — —

And he was right. He never let go.

You and Lando spent the weekend, which felt like forever, to fix it. Lando spent it all to fix every scar, heal every wound and nurse every bruise he ever inflicted. He held onto you and never dropped you once, keeping his promise.

Lando took you out the whole weekend, rediscovering your stories, and your childhood. He kept you close, never leaving you. He rewrote the haunting past, making sure he never messed up this time.

The once unfinished chapter that stood high above you, the once daunting task was now closing, the final line was being written in the darkness of the years left alone. The emotional baggage was dropped in the past and the pages of your story stopped burning up. 

Lando was here now.

You brought him out in the evening, taking him to his favourite spot, by the edge of a hill overlooking the city. You sat there with him, holding some Chinese takeout.

“You forgive me?” He asks.

“Yes.” You reply, “I do.”

“I…” Lando hesitates, “Yea… that’s great.” His voice is unusually soft.

“You know…” You inhale and exhale deeply, “I remember the night after I realised you weren’t going to text back.”

Lando stiffens up, “Sorry.” He mutters.

“It’s okay now…” You say before continuing, “I went to the playground and stood there while it rained, and wondered what I did wrong.”

You don’t know whether right now was a good time for this but you started so you had to finish.

“Nothing. You did nothing wrong.” Lando says as he looks into your eyes, “It was all me who messed up.”

You pat his shoulder.

“Yea… but back then, I felt like I didn’t hold onto you enough, didn’t work hard enough for you to stay. So… that was it for me.” You admit, “I wasn’t ready to lose you so I cried that night, alone.”

You feel Lando’s guilt from a mile away.

“But-” You lean backward, supporting yourself with your elbows, “today, when we went to the playground, I think we fixed that.”

Lando’s face brightens up as he lifts his head. He fixed something.

“I think… you…” You couldn’t find the words, “You’re back.”

“I am.” Lando says, “And I’ll fix it all.”

In the night sky, you laid down next to him, on the ground. The hurting stopped, all that stopped today, in that playground where you two grew up, where you went to all those dark days, and where you left all the emotional baggage.

The skies illuminated the sky and reflected off Lando’s eyes. It was beautiful, he was beautiful. Under the bright sky and the night breeze, Lando was at peace with himself. So were you.

You scooted closer to him and he laid his head in your embrace, both of you laid in the grass. And right there was where everything felt alright, like nothing would change again. Just like when they were children.

Just like last time.

“I love you.”

—

The time had to come eventually. You were back at the airport.

You hugged him tightly once again, this moment felt no better than the last. The hug is laced with rewritten years of friendships and the closure of every dark page in your stories, to be happier, to be better. It was for everything and every minute you two lost now filled in with the memories of this weekend. This closure. He sobs on your shoulder, he never wants to let go.

But he has to. Both of you take a step back. 

“If it helps you.” You say, “You fixed it.”

Lando wipes the tears away, giving you one of the purest smiles you think you’ll ever see in your life.

“And for you…” He says, “You’ll always be here.” He points to his heart.

“I’ll never let you hurt again.”

You smile, embracing him again.

As he’s about to leave, you take the necklace off and hand it to him. He look at it, and hastily takes his one off, swapping your necklaces.

“To rewritten love.” You say.

He nods and puts the necklace on. 

“I’ll see you around.” His voice cracks a little.

“Promise?”

He tears up again, “Yes… Yes I promise.”

You look at his sparkly brown-blue eyes again, coming to peace with everything. As he enters the boarding gates, he looks back at you again, smiling slightly at you as he waves. You wave back, holding onto the necklace again.

He walks off, disappearing into the crowd once again but it doesn’t feel empty this time. It’s closure, it’s settlement, it’s resolution. You watch his plane take off, hearing the roar of the engine before it fades into nothing.

It was a promise.

A promise that you would keep, even as you moved out of this city, to another place. A promise that he would keep even as he reached greater heights.

Because a promise was made and a promise will be kept.

END.

i hope this hit expectations, i dont think there will be a part 3 lol

[aroaceacacia]

HI!!!! sorry if you've already posted about this before, but i'm aware you help maintain a vod archive - we're trying to do this for another server and were wondering if you had any tips for useful tools or ways to go about this? thanks and sorry for bothering !!

yes ok!!! here r my tips

1. Have some sort of location where all the VODs are accessible from, for people who may want to find them. For us, we have a spreadsheet, with dates & labels; this could also take the form of a YouTube playlist or an archive.org collection

2. Having only one way to download VODs probably wont be able to cover every scenario you encounter. Here's a list of a BUNCH of resources and tools, many of which you might never need, and most of which I've never heard of. In terms of programs to download VODs, I personally use a mixture of three: Twitch Downloader, 4k Video Downloader, and Twitch Recover. (I use Downloader to access most Twitch VODs, 4k for YouTube videos/streams - although it also does Twitch - and Twitch Recover for when a VOD has been recently deleted*.)

3. TWITCH DELETES VODS !!!! unless a vod is saved as a highlight, those suckers go KABLOOEY at a certain point! the exact amount of time will vary, depending on whether ur streamer is affiliate, partner, or not, so knowing your streamer's status is very helpful. I think non-affiliates and affiliates have a week, and then partners have 60 days. Note that Twitch Recover does not work on VODs older than 60 days, so this time limit is REALLY IMPORTANT.

4. If you're able to get in touch with your streamers in some way, that is really cool and epic! Not necessary at all, but sometimes it's nice being able to remind streamers theres a demand for an official VODs channel, or asking if they have any spare VODs lying around

5. HAVE FRIENDS TO DO THIS WITH !! you said "we" so I assume theres probably a team of some sort already, but division of labor is HUGELY helpful for VOD archiving, because those GB start adding up fast. (It's about 2.5 GB per 1 hour of video at 1080p quality, and generally you want the highest quality possible, so VODs can get pretty chunky.) Oh yeah I guess storage space is useful too. Remember to do spring cleaning also every now and then and make sure you dont delete anything that isnt already backed up elsewhere 👍 but yes. Teamwork. Communicating with the group about who will do what, being able to mobilize in a potential crisis, and making occasional public calls for additional hands on help are all super important, I've found.

6. YouTube is a copyright bitch! While it's better for watching vods back on, it will occasionally block a vod for copyright. YouTube is great, I upload all my MCC vods there unlisted, but I also recommend getting familiar with archive.org. archive is a little slower to upload but it won't hide a VOD worldwide because it had a copyrighted song or three in it. Having mirrors of uploads is a good tool for peace of mind - one of my friends has been on a kick of double mirroring VODs lately, even ones that will eventually be up on a VODs channel, but that's also a lot of uploading and slows him down

7. Being aware to at least some degree of the contents of what you're archiving is a good thing. Sometimes you need to censor out an accidental doxxing or worry about an IP leak, and I find it makes me feel more confident in my work if I know what I'm preserving. Like, I archive plenty of MCC POVs I havent necessarily watched, but they're all MCC, and I know what happens, and I sometimes hear details from other people - but a random server VOD from a guy I don't watch much of could contain anything. Sometimes I worry I've accidentally stuck deeply personal information into the internets biggest document repository. And maybe I have. But having some familiarity helps the peace of mind

8. Have fun with it and take pride in your work! You're helping to prevent something you love, the hard work of others, from becoming lost media! That's sooooo epic and sexy and cool of you, actually, and more people should do it - either on their own for their own personal purposes, or in the context of a larger project, like me and you

tl;dr its work but it boils down to communication, having the right tools, and having a team that is willing to adapt and cooperate in order to get stuff done! best of luck in your efforts

[danko420]

im having a hard time not getting fired by my job...

I've already run my mouth in support of Palestine to a few different people but ive been keeping a mental checklist of like... morally reprehensible thoughts and activities... basically everytime someone says something and i have to bite my tongue or else go into a rant about why Thing Bad.

Yesterday was sort of the last straw but i'll cover the previous 2 first:

- nice irish lady wearing h*rry p*tter merch (i cant believe in 2024 i still have to explain to ANYONE jkr is a terf who thinks all transwomen are perverts trying to harass women in public washrooms but HERE WE ARE. ALSO p sure we have a transwoman in the office but i havent had a chance to talk to them yet so not 100% sure. By wearing it, even if its old and not a recent purchase, you are signaling to trans and queer people who see it that you value fantasy kids stories more than the real world suffering of marginalized people, and are not a safe person to talk to... and shes HR)

- several people using and encouraging use of generative ai to produce images instead of paying an artist (the first time it came up was someone trying to generate a design for a floral centerpiece for a banquet- which we were already hiring a florist to handle... so, trying to steal work from small local business owners. second time was when i was designing some posters for around the office, someone made a joke i dont even remember about what we could put on one and i think i replied like "yeah if i can find a picture of it" and they were like "we have ai we can make pictures of anything!" and i swiftly removed myself from the conversation. At least that time we werent going to be taking money from anyone because they were just fun posters and were in no way generating profit but STILL.)

- my boss drives a tesla (didnt realize it was a tesla when i got in but saw the big tablet screen in the dash and started rambling about how stupid cyber trucks are- to which she mentioned her husband wanted one. when i mentioned it was like they threw out all the established knowledge and practices for vehicle safety we had developed over like a century of having cars she seemed to imply that was good in a gotta break to remake things sorta way (i think her exact statement was about like... we would still be all using diesel if things didnt change, which like... not really the same thing as getting rid of crumple zones and side mirrors but go off i guess). i said m*sk was evil and she said she didnt support what he does but does support the work his scientists are doing, and its like... cant do one without the other... owning a tesla means financially supporting el*n m*sk, therefore it is immoral- i do not have the patience or time to list all his crimes, if you dont know already pls look it up. ALSO she named it Toad (like from mario) because its red with white detailing and im like... cute but not cute enough to make up for it being a tesla)

and im just... im just so tired every day. I come home every day scared i put my foot in my mouth and i will be let go... part of me hopes i will be so i can be free of this purgatory and 2 hour daily commute, but im not actively or consciously trying to risk this job because it took me 5 months to fuckin find it...

Its just like.. if i know better its my moral obligation to correct someone, to mitigate harm, but in doing so im risking harm to myself (losing my job, someone snapping and physically attacking me, etc)

im just really disappointed in the world every damn day

[fiymywings]

ahh if youre able to, would you mind sharing some tls of hollow? there’s so little content of him? 😭

absolutely! i'll make a few proper posts with translations once i get the time and energy to (very mentally burnt out right now so basically anything i've already done/am working on at the moment are the most i can muster), but this is sort of an assortment of summaries/from-memory translations for the time being

it's a bit long so it's under a read more but hopefully these can suffice until i get on that

from ch. 2 of his beginning of a dream meister story:

hollow and emma run into someone injured in a back alley, and rush to aid him only for a bystander to mistake hollow as the perpetrator behind several similar attacks, insisting it was him on the basis of him being caught literally red handed. hollow doesn't reply and just dismantles a nearby wheel barrel to become a makeshift . i forgot what they're called but they transport hospital patients and tells him to take the injured guy to help which clears the air up pretty fast. the resulting conversation happens:

Emma: By the way... when that guy said your hands were stained red, what was up with that?

Hollow: ... fufu~

Emma: ?

Hollow: Efufufufu~

Emma: ?????

Hollow: I was enjoying a particularly good drink of pomegranate juice that day. Though, I appear to have been a bit clumsy with disposal.

(i think about this exchange so much. yes she did use ??? in actual dialogue if im remember correctly)

Moon route Ch. 3

after having essentially put down a mechanical hound, he approaches emma and asks for her hand before putting a handmade metal bracelet on her. she asks about the details, and he confirms it was made with some scrap parts from the hound, having wanted to carry the memory of the hound around before she realized he had a matching bracelet (this made me start absolutely losing it btw. absolutely broke the hinges off my metal door)

he also said a REALLY nice quote about hardships and relying on each other but i cant for the life of me remember the baseline of it so i'll rb and tack it onto it

guild home interaction

i don't have the exact tls and because it was a random event it might take a bit for me to get it again to tl but essentially hollow was flipping through a book/magazine, saw an illustration of a mouse, and yelled. emma went to check up on him and tried to calm him down but iirc he ended up bolting despite it just being an illustration

train of remembrance ch 5

hollow sits down next to emma after effese (i dont know how to spell his name sorry if i got it wrong hgfdjb) is settled down by her and they take a moment to look out the window (this one i had written down because i was gushing to someone over discord)

Hollow: Would it be alright if I rested here as well? Emma: Of course! Go ahead. Hollow: Nfu~ Then, please excuse me a moment. If you take your time gazing out there… it's as if just outside the window is but a sky full of stars. Though of course we have our current situation, it begins to feel like we're merely on a journey. Just a bit. Emma: Fufu, looks like it. Hollow: Everyone back at Niji no Kanata too, they're all working very hard, so… Someday, with you invited along as well, I'd like to go on a nice relaxing journey together. Certainly Lagoon will prepare the finest transport available. Emma: Wah, I'm looking forward to it! [ Idling chatting with Hollow, the tension from prior had abruptly relaxed.] Emma: (Such a nice feeling, it's like my shoulders have finally untensed. Hollow… he pretty much controlled the energy in the room, huh?) Hollow: Efesse too, shall we get you sat down somewhere so you may talk too?

he later dropped the bomb he had basically picture perfect memory and could remember stuff even back when he was just a lil baby which is pretty in line with his natural talent of not just dismantling at stupid speed but 1. rapid assembly 2. part recognition (i.e. recalling what part in a machine is what series, what number, what alloy, etc)

some uncategorized stuff:

hollows date lines, i dont remember if its 10+ or 20+ since i have him at 26 but hes talking to the player and says smth along the lines of "we look like lovers? ... ah, that makes me happy"

it's confirmed in his sun route he sort of mentally blacks out upon hearing a clock and has to stop everything in order to dismantle it right away assumedly because of a noise trigger. it's played off for giggles in the main story but it seems outright painful for him in the meister story so i have no idea what's going on there but i believe in ch. 3 emma actually asks about that and he essentially goes "although i'm not sure, i'm sure i'll figure it out eventually!" nonchalantly and emma goes YOURE SO CHILL ABOUT IT?!

i'm not sure how well i would translate it, but he speaks pretty politely/formally! i kinda translate it as the type of speech "OH GOOD HEAVENS!" would come from as a result but you're welcome to interpret it as you'd like

[beetlebop]

I *FINALLY* HAD A DREAM WITH KEATLEJUICE IN IT

[conagherwilbur]

I present to you...

Stop-Motion Photos!!

[from the Fireman Sam Annual 1988 !]

I LOVE THESE SO MUCH these are ... mostly the reason why i bought the annual before waiting for a better price (fucking $70 for the bastard)

i Cannot under any circumstances wait to receive my daily dose of puppet people /j

Here we go! Teeny Jupiter on an unspecified road! I’ve never noticed that ladder before in the show, i wonder if Pontypandy was sort of built by water originally?? or maybe that road is built across a mini dam; I remember in one of the buzz books there was a story about everyone going to the beach and idk if it specified how close or far it was from the village but 👀 there were houses in the background.

Have i ever said how much i love Normans stupid little haircut.. ITS LIKE HE NEVER COMBS IT its a fuckimg mop turn him upside down and drag him across the floor. no but please give him a lil ponytail or a bun and watch him suffer /hj ALSO THE FLOWERING PLANT GROWING FROM THE TOP OF THAT VIADUCT,, I LOVE HOW MUCH DETAIL THERE IS IN ALL THE SETS!

We can get a good look at Dilys’s hair in this, kind of forgot she has hair OOPS.. but like for real i wonder what it would look like when her curlers were taken out?? hate or love the girl she’s got to have some bitchin’ hair /pos

AS WELL AS SAM, IDK WHAT IT IS ABOUT THESE PICTURES BUT ITS JUST..... SO INVIGORATING TO SEE THEIR FACES UP CLOSE IN HIGH QUALITY LO0K AT THE MAN!! LOOK AT HIS STUPID PAPER MOUTH i want to eat it . and the way his quiff fucking dips down at the end I LOVE HOW UNKEMPT IT LOOKED IN THE FIRST THREE SEASONS LIKE YEAH HONEY GO JUST GET UP AND BRUSH YOUR HAIR WITH A TOOTHBRUSH

Here's Bella, the awesome woaman who didn’t deserve to be stereotyped as an idiot in most of the booksssss 😬 but like... ngl damn she looks fine *wrist flick* not that im a lesbian but......................... /hj

anyways i would love to see her hair upclose its so fucking pretty I LOVE her sense of fashion too bih pleasge let me see the rest of your wardrobe

the puppies :) i have no idea what kind of hairstyle James is supposed to have AT ALL but.. i kind of like to think he styles it a bit after his uncle, but his hair is longer so he makes do with a hefty fuckin cowlick and omf PLEASE with the little hairs sticking out on the crown of their heads i want that utilized more in general please

also also im kinda jealous of Sarah’s overalls girl please who tf made those for you or WHERE DID YOU BUY THEM bc i want pink overalls with a scenic tree in the center

Poopiter once again pulling into the fire station driveway.. love how awkward and unbalanced the house on the left is LOL i also rly like the implications that Pontypandy has a very condensed neighborhood area and the high street (inlcudes Dilys’s shop, Bella’s cafe, the park) is rly the only market place in town n then the outskirts are almost NOTHING

EELIVS MY BELOVED HELLO!! I LOVE this picture for... two reasons mostly, one is because of Elvis thats literally it. jk but GOD im .imfm,,, i love how he’s so tall his shirt sleeves (and sometimes the collar) stick out of his uniform and ig his hair looks so malleable i want to compress it with a hydraulic press. i wonder how much pomade he goes through in a week?? the other reason is that... Jupiter’s tire looks VERY out of place, in the sense that it looks like she’s almost tilted to the side somehow?? Like gurl you dont look like you’re planted on the ground 🙄

AND THEN FINALLY THIS ONE!! This is the exact picture Sam keeps on his nightstand minus Sarah and James, which is super cool to me honestly;;; bc like i can just imagine they were both plucked from the set after their picture was taken and just shoved somewhere else (delicately, they are flowers) Theres two versions of Fireman Sam i love; one is the show and the other is the puppets themselves. i have such a burning desire to go and rob them from whoever owns them and just. holld them 🥺 do i overshare my thoughts? yes i do but this may be the only chance i get and im going at it 100%

..................

im... so sorry for literally only posting random pictures from all the annuals i own and that are also NOT ONLINE FOR PEOPLE TO VIEW... I SWEAR ill upload them all to internet archive at some point

i also need to .yknow WRITE, OR DRAW AND NOT JUST SHARE TEHSE although yall seem to like them :) unfortunately tho there aren’t any other pictures like these in the annuals :(

anyway YES HERE YOU GO another weeks-worth of me rambling about pictures of puppets i love with all my heart

[lifewithabrokenmind]

So a lot has changed in such a short amount of time since I started this blog, ive disconnected from the world of tumblr and ventured away into the world. I got to spend the Christmas holidays with my son for the first time in his life! So that's something extremely special for me.

But with that being said I nearly didn't make it last year, My mental health deteriorated immensely. I was self medicating with alcohol and trying to cope with a mentally abusive girlfriend who eventually turned physical. One night I had a big day working out on my aunties property and fell asleep on the lounge watching a movie. She innocently woke me up and helped me to bed, cute right?

Well that all of a sudden changed, as I quickly fell back asleep after being physically exhausted and not needing to take my sleeping meds which is unheard of in my life for the past 6 years. She shook me and woke me up. She had forgotten to turn the TV off in the lounge room. I barely woke up and mumbled "no baby, can you do it im exhausted and I fell back asleep instantly". The next thing I know I have this extreme stinging pain in my back. Turns out she cracked it and hit me as hard as she could. (I'm not a big guy, I'm 5'8 and weigh about 65kg she was shorter but considerably heavier than me) and I dont know what came over me but I lost it. I jumped up out of bed and started raging. (I don't get angry easy either, I believe everything can be solved through conversation and no confrontation, because confrontation makes my anxiety play up really bad) I'm yelling the absolute house down, saying things along the lines of "I can't fucking believe you" "what is wrong with you" kinda things but obviously swearing and crying. She chased me around the house stopped me from leaving or entering certain rooms while screaming at me to slap her back and get even, this goes on for 30 minutes or so and after being called a piece of shit every day for the past 5 months and everything else because we lived in a smallish country town where work was scarce, and I was finding it hard to find work. She had a job which she was lucky to obtain outside of her normal profession so it gave her some sort of "im better than you complex". So that was it she was in my face again she turned around dropped her shirt and screamed at me to slap her back and I did. I felt horrible the moment I did it. I fucking hate violence, I cannot stand the thought of someone being hurt by my hands as I have been beaten most of my teenage and adult life. She started crying, saying she can't believe I did it back that im the worst person in the world just going nuts at me and she then lunged at me with her nails going for my throat, she had stilleto (or however it's spelt) type nails you know the ones that come to a sharpish point if asked too? So my first thought was to protect myself I grabbed her hands and somehow managed to spin her around and bring her back against my chest where she swung her head back and head butted me (luckily I have a hard head and jaw) I then pushed her onto our bed as I did not want to cause her anymore physical harm she has then bounced off the bed in some weird motion that almost seemed faked and fell on the floor. She then rang the police on me.

I was mortified, I begged her to stop. But that was it, that is when my fate was sealed. I grabbed my shoes, wallet phone and put on my winter coat as it was late autumn at the time. I left into the night and headed to my "safe spot" a place near a lagoon with lots of ducks and geese, I sat there for an hour I heard the siren and saw the police car go past. I cried most of the time, I felt ashamed, sick, useless, a complete piece of shit of a human. I started thinking of how to end my life that night, and I figured it out. I knew what I was going to do, so I headed to the pub, or bar depending on where you are from in the world. I knew that hanging myself sober was an extremely difficult and painful task as I had tried it before. I finished off about 6 or 7 beers at the pub, full strength of course. I rang my grandmother and asked her to stay at hers over night explained the situation. She agreed, that woman has helped raise me and will always be the woman I hold the highest in my life. So I get there she sees that im a bit intoxicated, we have a talk she asks if im okay, and I breakdown a bit she makes us both a cuppa tea and we have a cigarette together before she gets up and goes to bed. At this point I'm just waiting for her to get comfy and doze off so im on my phone my slight buzz is wearing off so I go for a walk up the road to the local pub and have a few beers there. I think I drank another 6 or 7 and decided to go for a walk to the softball/baseball oval to look at the stars and prepare myself for what I was about to do, I had already put rope aside and a pen paper and a torch to write nan a note and tell her to ring the ambulance and police and send them to an exact spot. She wouldn't wake up until after 9am the next morning. So I'd been on the oval for quite some time and decided it was time to go do what I need to do. As I left and was crossing the road the police came out of nowhere and spotted me. I was wearing my favourite NRL teams jersey at the time, so easily spotted. Some would call that luck, but it wasn't. I was arrested and thats when I lost my freedom for 3 months.

Jail was hard, I saw people stabbed and bashed beyond recognition. Drugs and the mental health issues a massive portion of these indigenous and white men had. It was insane, and remember im not a big guy so that was even harder. My first 3 days there my cell mate and I were chillen in our cell then a guy came in and beat the shit out of him and took all of his belongings blood was everywhere I hadn't seen anything that violent in quite some time and I was physically shaken. A few of the boys noticed and came down to talk to me about it all and told me I was fine. I explained my situation with my diagnosis of autism and bpd. And they respected me for being honest and took me under their wing. So long story short jail became a bit easier and I started to get desensitised to the constant aggression and thieves and drug users and all the bullshit that comes with jail. The whole time my now ex was writing me in jail saying how sorry she was and she wish it was different and she would be there for me when im out and that was lovely until I got out. That's when this all takes a turn.

And I think im going to have to do this in parts. Because there is a lot of details behind this. I dont know if anyone will even read or whatever but let me know if you have and I'll try and keep this a regular thing.

[fleshblueberry]

Babe wake up im going to rant about my ocs lore because im bored

Tw/cw depression, suicide, kidnapping, addiction, unreality

I write angsty stuff for my ocs oops-

When i first started making my characters they were very different in alot of ways and they were very different from what they are now. But i some how managed to glue all the chaos of my ocs together into a semi-coherent story. I went through an insane amount of world building with myself and i honestly dont think ive ever writen or typed any of it out before! its all just up in my head (and you know my memory is trash so ive probably forgotten of alot of things i made before lol). Anyways- i have two main story lines for my characters. Ethan's story, and Vevlet's story. Although i must admit Ethan's story is less complex than velvets simply beacsue it acts as a story of prequeal to Velvets story line. (Alternate realities that happen to have effect on each other basically- we love space time junk)

Ethan's world is very similar to ours, the most similar out of any of my fantasy worlds lol. Ethan's story revolves around self-discovery. I mean for it to be a wholesome/lighthearted thing that quickly leads up to dark undertones (spoilers lol). Ethan's story begins with Eef pre-transition (AFAB to NB). We get to see Ethan learn about themself and have fun exploring emotions and what it means to be alive. Ethan comes from a run-down family (mom khs, dad mia). So he lives with his adoptive parents (who i have yet to design and think about- theyre lesbians 100% though). A major moment for Eef is meeting his partner Seth. As you already know Ethan and Seth are cute ass boyfriends and stuff but guess what! im jammed their story full of angst and edgy shit bc i "wrote" most of this when i was hella depressed! Anyways Seth's family is like moderally welathy, wealthier than most i would say. Seth catches feelings for the emo chick ofc (forgot to metion Eef was definately a hot goth girl before he transitions).... uh yea anyways seth ends up flirting and crushing on eef and eef is like yea sure im bored and sad why not. and they end up dating after a while. Theres an important moment in their relationship when Ethan take Seth to this dead tree. THis dead tree is very important also bc it is where his mother hanged herself, and Ethan doesnt quite remember that bc he was very young when it happened, but he knows it as a place of comfort and he goes there alot when he feels sad or alone. this tree could be taken as symbolizim but heheh ill never tell. anyways Ethan is like yo my fevorite tree and Seth is like wtf okay bro ily and all but why a dead tree with an unstable tire swing?? ANd ethans like idk but i like it here reminds me of my childhood (op my guy) and they spend the night there. Also when ethan comes out to seth as nonbinary seth is just like ok,,, because hes bisexual lol. anyways time skip and Seth has some addiction problems once he graduates, long story short- Ethan doesnt like it bc his dad was a druggie so he trys to help Seth and Seth raises his voice and ethan is tiny compared to his bf so hes naturally like terrified of being hit and he suddenly feels his world of happy and peace he build back up bieng destroyed once again so he heads to his mothers dead tree and decides life isnt worth it anymore, and he hangs himself in the exact spot his mother did.... once seth comes off one of his highs or whatever hes like- oh fuck i yelled and acted agro to my traumatized partner. and he immedatly goes to the tree bc its Ethans favortie spot but its to late. regret is the only emootion anymore... its over for them.

now youre probably wondering how the absolute hell does that tie into velvets lore?? well do i have a tale for you. Velvets sotry begins on her 21st birthday, she is out for drinks with her douchebag bf and her bestfriend. several drinks later she yells over blaring club music shes going to the restroom, and as shes walking back she sees her bf and her bestie making out and she doesnt even say anyhting and walks out alone. She is making her way back to her apartment very tipsy. She then hears a vechile driving beside her, she cant make out anyhting theyre saying and the people in the car get out and before she even relises whats going on shes thrown into the vechile and is being beaten and yelled at. She passes out as theyre driivng to somewhere. When she next awakes she is in a barn-looking place. Concreate walls painted red and straw all over the floor. she cant stand, her legs stung and so did her entire body. for several days- she doesnt know how long she stayed in this place unable to move or do anything. Weak and starving, she gathered up her last bit of strength and hung herself on a low board (havent really worked out the details on that scence bc i keep changing my mind but she does hang herself). Cut to a space of nothingness- legit nothing- exactly its impossible to imagine nothing. In the nothing sits velvet all skin and bone, and then an entity, a hooded figure with long hair, sits next to her. No words are spoke, but the entity looks at velvet longingly. Then it tears out its eye- just full on plunges its hand into its socket and rips it out. bloody mess honestly. the entity hands its eye to velvet, and she takes it. there is no thoughts here, no sound, only actions. Cut once more to a coriners room place? ya know the place with dead bodies and tables and shit- anyways a bright light emerges from dead!vevlets chest and surrounds her entire body. *cue stunned doctor mans* Velvet arises from her death with her scars healed over and... wings. Yup shes an angel now. I mean her world already had monsters and things of suppernatural belonging but- angels are rare. She makes 1 of 2 angels in their relam as of current. Angels are "made" from regrets. Regret overflowing from two sources- one long dead and the other recent. This is where ethan comes in. Ethan's regret from how he died was powerful and sad, powerful enough for his spirt- an entity- to reach Velvets. Velvet too, had much regret in her death. So young and so many things that could have been avoided. In the days following up to her death in the barn/cellar she only felt regret. Regret for all she did and all she didnt do. So much pain summoned the entity. Their powerful forces of regret pulled them together and allowed Velvet to return- but at a price for the both of them. the entity lost its eye- symbolizing a loss of humanity and conscientiousness. While Velvet lost herself, she no longer can view her world in the same way. She has severe ptsd- like episodes and halucinations. She cant go back, she has to live through he own grief. Velvets appearnace also changes quite a bit. Her hair got longer, she has two sleek gray wings on her back, and- one of her eyes are purple now. why does it hrut her to see that eye? why is it all so familiar yet far away. Her human brain can hardly understand all the changes. But she was gifted this- she knows she must try. And luckily for her society sees angels as higher beings. They are given the umost respect but they are also greatly feared because of how misterious their origins are. The only other known angel meets with velvet quite alot through her story, he will act as a sort of guide/plot device to make things a bit easier for myself (havent worked out his lore tho or even a design for him hjbfkjsdb). Anyways im tired and its 1:35 am so thats all the lore you get for now, plus its the stuff ive thought about the most so- i dont really want to think any furtherb ahead yet lol. to many little things to work out...... i love creating but oml typing hurts after an hour or so-

Jam out!

... I don't even know what to say to this

[captainofthetidesbreath]

not trying to provoke discourse of anything, more working through my own thoughts on the topic, because i definitely agree that friends should look out for each other and that includes making contingency plans and such! but for me the b+c+f convo did feel rather :/ and im trying to work out why. i dont remember all the exact wording and dont have the means to rewatch right now, but from what i rememeber i think it has to do with the fact that the convo felt less like a contingency (1/3)

for IF something were to happen, and more like they (or beau at least, given how she started the convo with something like "we all know this is weird right?") had already decided that something would for sure happen, no ifs or doubts about it. and i guess the :/ factor, for me at least, is largely that it's not just that they're being careful and planning ahead, but there's an element of thinking they already /know/ that things are going to go horribly wrong in a way jesters not seeing, (2/3) which leads to the sense that they dont trust jesters judgement of the situation, because they think they know better. again, i dont remember exact details, but these are some musings based in (potentially twisted/mis-) rememebered senses of that scene. absolutely feel free to ignore these since discourse topic, but yeah you got me thinking and i wanted to share i guess. (3/3)

Contingency plans, by their nature, require a belief that something can and will go wrong. So, a level of certainty about it is what makes it one, imo.

And, well, given that something did go horribly wrong in a way that Jester did not see coming, including something one of them explicitly feared was going to happen, I would say their fears were warranted and, in the end, proven to a degree. Something did happen. Not necessarily what they were expecting, but they also made an allowance that Artagan's capriciousness and shenanigans would get Jester hurt, unintentionally or otherwise. And, well, they did. That was a thing that happened. The three of them worry about it, and it happens.

And, frankly, again, given their limited perspective, I do not see what they did wrong in the moment. They do not have the range of information we have. They know that Jester is devoted to Artagan in a way that means she may ignore red flags that are out of their line of sight. Fjord knows that Jester is reluctant to talk to them. Yes, part of it is wondering if Jester's judgment is complete—but given the situation, I do not necessarily understand why that's a capital sin, particularly when the situation is dangerous. Trusting your friend's judgment and respecting what they do with it, in my opinion, runs up until you have reason to believe they have incomplete information, they have reason to not tell you worrisome information because they don't want it to be interpreted it as a red flag, or their decisions may very well hurt them. I understand the angle, I just personally don't understand what the fundamental problem is with it.

Frankly, to quote my sister on the subject: “Knowing Artagan her entire life gives some sort of more reason to be wary of him when he acts callously, like dumping them on Death Island. It’s like when your college friends realize that your elementary school friends you’re still hanging out with are, well, sort of really shit.”

Particularly given that, to an extent, they WERE proven correct. I think also that, from inside the narrative, Artagan's behavior is extremely worrisome to those who are of a nervous disposition and dislike when people around them are not consistent in their whims.

If they felt they knew better at all times, they would've intervened a lot sooner and controlled what Jester could've done, and not allowed her any contact with Artagan in any context more than strictly necessary. But the three of them wait until the last possible moment, some of them not reacting strongly at all in the end.

My question is: why this discourse over questioning Jester’s judgment? Did not the Nein question Beau’s judgment when she went to make the deal with Isharnai? Did not they question Veth’s judgment when she continued to drink heavily in a manner that endangered the group? Did not they question Fjord’s judgment during the pirates arc, even as he stated repeatedly and emphatically that he would not do as they feared, because they felt he wasn’t being entirely forthright, even though he was fairly so? (Did not Caduceus question Fjord’s judgment as recently as this arc—and get nearly pulled into the morkoth lair for it because Fjord was right?) Did not they question Veth’s judgment when she refused to stop talking to Halas? And were not these all fair?

What is it that makes Jester’s judgment so sacrosanct that it cannot be questioned?

Maybe I do think we need to examine the judgment of our friends from time to time. Especially in situations where a lapse in judgment could get us all killed. And, sometimes, you're wrong. But sometimes your friend is wrong. Sometimes you're both wrong. But we're all allowed to check each other's judgment, and in fact, friends should feel free to in a non-controlling manner. Which is what happened. I'm an advocate for questioning the wisdom if your friends' decisions in general when they’re dabbling in things that may put them at risk.

Maybe I don’t think that’s treating your friend like a child. Maybe I think that’s just being a sensible person and a friend who wants to see things work out for the best when the situation is complicated, not clear cut, and dangerous to everyone, most especially that friend. Your friend being right (in some regards) doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have questioned it. It’s good to have your own thoughts and opinions and judgments of situations that seem suspect to you, especially if it may hurt someone.

But, like I said, maybe I’m too Capricorn and have had too many irl friends with questionable judgment to vibe with the discourse.

[horansqueen]

You & Me : chapter 43

A Niall Horan fanfiction ; rated MA

Sequel to AM CONVERSATIONS

CHAPTER 1 || CHAPTER 2 || CHAPTER 3 || CHAPTER 4 || CHAPTER 5 || CHAPTER 6 || CHAPTER 7 || CHAPTER 8 || CHAPTER 9 || CHAPTER 10 || CHAPTER 11 || CHAPTER 12 || CHAPTER 13 || CHAPTER 14 || CHAPTER 15 || CHAPTER 16 || CHAPTER 17 || CHAPTER 18 || CHAPTER 19 || CHAPTER 20 || CHAPTER 21 || CHAPTER 22 || CHAPTER 23 || CHAPTER 24 || CHAPTER 25 || CHAPTER 26 || CHAPTER 27 || CHAPTER 28 || CHAPTER 29 || CHAPTER 30 || CHAPTER 31 || CHAPTER 32 || CHAPTER 33 || CHAPTER 34|| CHAPTER 35 || CHAPTER 36 || CHAPTER 37 || CHAPTER 38 || CHAPTER 39 || CHAPTER 40 || CHAPTER 41 || CHAPTER 42

NOTES:

-one chapter is her pov, the next is his -4.5k -im sorry, i never proofread, i hate it. -there WILL be smut. but not only smut. -this is a romance, comedy, smut story. -for the summary, check my MASTERLIST.

READ AM CONVERSATIONS AGAIN ON WATTPAD HERE

- notes: wow, it took a while didnt it? i have a hard time writing this story for a few specific reasons and thats why it takes me longer. i also need to plan the ending of this and its not easy because im scared to forget something. but i hope you enjoy this chapter! thanks so much for still reading this story!!!

if you want to be on the list of blogs i notify when this is updated, just message me :)

requests! : its late and i hope i dont forget any! i didnt add everything from the 2nd request in my chapter tho. i also promise more requests in the next chapter! its all planned so thank you!

TAKE A LOOK AT THE CHARACTERS HERE

Chapter 43 : His chapter

NIALL

June 25th, 2018

"Okay, move slightly on the right." I heard her, doing what she told me cautiously. "Now watch out, there's a step."

"Big or small?"

"Uhm, medium" she replied after thinking about it.

"Gee Liv, thanks!" I replied sarcastically before I carefully tried to put my foot on the step.

She guided me with difficulty until the car and I packed her last few boxes in the trunk. We sat in the car and I started it, feeling her gaze on me but I tried to ignore it until I felt her hand on my thigh. I suddenly relaxed and my eyes met hers for half a second before going back on the road.

"You should have let me help you." she pointed out with a soft voice. "I can carry more than one box, you know."

The left corner of my lips raised gently and I glanced at her again before stopping at a red light and turning my head completely her way. Her eyebrows raised and I sent her a small smile, shaking my head.

"I want you to let me take care of you." I admitted, bending closer to press my lips gently against hers in a quick kiss. "Besides, an old lady like you shouldn't carry heavy things."

With a chuckle, she slapped my arm gently as I started laughing and started driving again. It was already mid june and we had been working on her moving in with me for about a week. Most things were actually bought by Louis so all the furniture stayed there but it took us a while to pack all her stuff and bring the boxes to my house. I mean, our house.

"I'm only two years older than you!" she argued, making me laugh even more. "Do I have to call you 'kiddo'?"

"Please, I'm a man." I let out with a frown, half-joking. "You know it, you've seen me naked."

"Oh how my life has changed since then." she replied wih a chuckle, making me smile too.

We brought her stuff to our room and started unpacking together after I put music on. It invaded the house so loudly that the neighbours probably heard since we had opened the windows. It was a warm saturday afternoon and I still had a little bit more than a week off. I knew we were going to miss each other since I was about to leave for three months (even if i was going to be back here at some point in august for a few concerts) but we didn't talk about it much, as if it would make things worst.

I kept glancing at her from time to time as I was putting her stuff in my closet and my lips curled when I noticed she was dancing while putting her clothes in her dresser. It was nothing new. She had always been like that but somehow, at this exact moment, it made me realize how perfect this moment was. Loud music, finally sharing a house with the woman I loved, watching my girlfriend dance and sing happily close to me with a promise ring hidden in my underwear drawer. That whole scenario happening right in front of me felt like the accomplishment of something very very important and even if I couldn't define exactly what, I tried to remember this in my brain like the movie of a memory I wanted to watch over and over again until i'd be on my death bed. The smallest details seemed important and when she moved a lock of hair that had stuck on her lips behind her ear, I held my breath. Could I write a song about this?

She turned around and our eyes met and suddenly, her lips curled into a fond smile. I loved when she looked at me like that. I was used to it, because she's looked at me like that for as long as I could remember, but it's only now, the second time we're dating, that I realized what it meant and how important it was.

"Are you gonna help me or are you just going to stare at me while I do all the work?"

I chuckled and rolled my eyes before shaking my head and grabbing an other box. It was heavy and when I opened it, I saw a bunch of books, the first one on the top being the one she was reading at the moment. I knew because sometimes we'd just sit together in the living room in silence. She'd read and sometimes i would too, or id end up writing, or playing guitar. Just being in the same room was enough sometimes and I liked it. I grabbed the book and turned it around to read the summary but something else caught my attention and I frowned. Something was sticking out of the book and I pulled on it slightly only to see my face and hers on a few pictures. It came from the photobooth and if my memory served me right, it was from the first time we dated. I pulled on it more to see all the pictures and finally just opened the book so she wouldn't lose her page and let my eyes roam on the older pictures of us. I remembered how I felt, but I was well aware it was not comparable to the feelings I had now.

"Can't believe you kept this."

My eyes didn't move from the pictures but I felt her stop moving and finally get closer to me. I sat on my bed and I felt her sit next to me in silence until I finally looked up in her eyes.

"You have no idea of all the things I kept." she admitted and I could swear her cheeks turned a soft shade of pink. "I kept a lot of souvenirs of you, Niall."

My smile curled a bit and she chuckled. "Really?"

"Oh don't look at me like that, it's not like I built a shrine for you or anything." she just rolled her eyes. "But your friendship and your love... yea, it's important for me."

I ran my thumb gently on the pictures for a few more minutes and finally put them back in the book before closing it. I stared at it until Liv grabbed my hand and I squeezed her fingers, looking up at her and sending her a smile.

"You know we need to christen the rooms." This time, she let out a loud laughter and it made my lips curl. "It's true!"

"It only applies to new places, Niall!" she laughed more. "We've already had sex pretty much in all the rooms of this house, and that says a lot!"

"Are you sure?" I asked, raising my eyebrows before she nodded. "All the bathrooms? Bedrooms?" She nodded again and I raised my nose up with a low groan, making her laugh again. "There must be somewhere we didn't fuck!"

"On the dryer."

"What?" I frowned.

"We never fucked on your dryer." she repeated with an amused smile, her head tilted. "We fucked in the showers, kitchen's table, kitchen's counter, on the couch, on the floor of the living room, in all the beds, on all the bedroom floors, in the music room and against that piano.. One time you even grabbed me when I got out of the shower to fuck me against the wall in the hall."

The left corner of my lips curled as the memory came back to my head and I raised my eyebrows. "Oh yea, I remember."

"But I don't remember fucking on the dryer."

My eyes roamed on her and I licked my lips. "We can do that now."

"Join me in 5 minutes?"

I raised my eyebrows in surprise when she suddenly got up and left. My fingers gripped the book in my hands tighter and I finally put it on the bed before turning my eyes to the alarm clock on the bedside table. It was the longest 5 minutes of my life and if I wanted to be honest, I only waited 3 and a half anyway.

I heard the dryer's noise and frowned a bit when I realized she had started it and when I got there, she was sitting on it and I noticed the matching black and silk panties and bra she was wearing. Her legs were hanging down the dryer and she was holding herself with her hands slightly behind her body, her dark hair falling near her back, and I stopped as soon as our eyes met.

"When did you put this on?"

"I wore them all day." she admitted with a smirk before chuckling when my face changed. "I mean, I wanted to show you but we were sort of busy."

I took a few steps closer slowly and put my palms on her thighs, sliding my hands up very slowly on her soft skin.

"Spread your legs, petal." I whispered as she bit her bottom lip but did as I asked.

"I wasn't sure if it actually looked good on me." she admitted low and I shook my head quickly.

"Oh shut up, darling, this makes me so fucking hard." To prove my point, I turned my hips a bit and pressed my hard cock through my pants against her naked thigh. "See?"

I ran my hands up to her breasts, touching them before slipping one of my hands under it to run the tip of two of my fingers on her nipple. "I'm so torn right now. I want to rip it off of you, but watching them on you is so fucking hot."

"Just move my panties aside and fuck me."

Her eyes seemed to sparkle but her expression was needy and I just licked my lips, bringing my hands down to my jeans and unzipping them as I kept staring at her.

"Such a needy little slut." I let out in a low tone. "Tell me how bad you want my cock. Beg me."

Her eyes never leaving mine, she brought her feet on the dryer, exposing her panties even more to me and slowly, I took my cock out and started stroking it. I could feel the dryer getting warmer and the way she seemed to shake over it made me want her even more.

"Fuck, Niall, I want you so bad. I need you deep inside me." she whimpered and licked her lips. "Please, Niall, I need your cock, please i'm begging you, fuck me."

I jerked off harder, making sure the tip of my dick rubbed against her pussy over her panties, and she whimpered and bit her bottom lip harder.

"Move your panties, pet. Show me your pretty little cunt."

She did as I asked and my eyes dropped between her legs as I moved even closer, close enough for the tip of my cock to push inside her. I groaned low and she let out a short whimper as I felt her throb around me.

"Deeper." she breathed out. "Fill me."

Quickly, I pushed myself inside her until I was balls deep and she let out a moan, her head falling back slightly and her eyes fluttering.

"Like this petal? How does my cock feel?"

She squirmed slightly and with difficulty but I watched her shake glancing a few times down to watch her grind despite herself on my dick. The feeling was amazing and I groaned louder when I felt her clench around me.

"So good, so fucking good." she whimpered again.

"You're so fucking wet and horny I just want to watch you fuck yourself on my cock until you cum all over it, baby girl." I let out without thinking. "How about you do that?"

I moved as close as I could and she ground on me for a few minutes. I loved the way she moved, all her facial expressions and the way her moans sounded but after a while, I couldn't take it anymore and grabbed her waist, my fingers sinking in her skin as I pulled her against me in motion with my thrusts.

"Fuck, i'm gonna cum." I just said still going hard.

I didn't know if it was because of my words or if she had been holding it for a while but she started shaking even harder against me as she came, my name escaping her lips in incredible moans and bringing me to my own orgasm. I shut my eyes tight, pushing myself so hard against her to make sure I went as deep as I could, and when I got down from my high, I leaned my forehead against hers, eyes still closed, as we both panted with parted lips.

"This is so much better." I whispered, moving a bit to reach her lips with mine.

"Better than what?" she asked in a breath as I kissed her gently again.

"Better than anything. Better than anyone." I confessed. "Better than sex without feelings."

It took her about a minute to talk but her words made me open my eyes suddenly.

"Are you in love with me, Niall?"

I pulled away to look in her eyes and frowned for a few seconds before shaking my head. I knew she was probably asking me simply because she wanted to hear it but I couldn't help but fear that she doubted it.

"Yes. I am in love with you, Olivia." I affirmed. "It will never change. I'll always be in love with you, for as long as I live, and maybe even after."

                                                        ---

June 29th, 2018

I was a bit sad she had insisted on inviting Louis and Eleanor on her birthday but I went along with it because it was her day and I loved her. She also had asked for nothing big, just a movie and games night with our friends, and somehow, I was down with that. Normally, I'd want to celebrate in a bar with many more friends but we were about to be separated for a while and I was not in the mood to celebrate that. I was just grateful I could spend her birth day with her.

"Okay, Liv, you sit next to me. Your boyfriend can sit next to El." I heard Louis say as I walked back in the living room with two bowls of popcorn.

"Excuse me? I pretty much intend on watching this movie cuddling my girlfriend, thank you very much!" I argued with a frown as I stood in the middle of the living room.

"If we do that we'll just spend an hour and a half making out!" Louis explained with round eyes. "At least you two will! You're both horny animals!"

"It's not like we were gonna fuck in front of you." I pointed out, rolling my eyes before sitting next to Eleanor who just laughed.

"Don't be a jealous boyfriend, Niall. Liv was my roommate before being your girlfriend again and I'm very sad that I can't wake her up by literally jumping in her bed at 6 in the morning anymore!" he joked with a chuckle before turning to my girlfriend. "Bet you miss it too!"

"6 in the morning?" I repeated with a frown again. "You never wake up so early."

"He did when he had meetings for his album." Olivia pointed out. "As you already know, 'pain in the ass' is in his DNA."

I laughed and she did too but the way she looked at me made me smile. Louis placed his arm on the back of the couch, near her shoulders, and I groaned low at sight. It's not that I wanted to read too much into this, but it was bothering me a lot and it was tough to hide. I was not the type to be jealous and I knew Olivia loved me, but every time I saw them near each other, I couldn't help but remember that they fucked multiple times and that nothing could ever erase that.

What took me out of my thoughts was something hitting my nose and the sweet laughter of my girlfriend. I shook my head slightly and sent her a smile as she sent me more popcorn and I grabbed some from my own bowl before throwing it at her, too. She laughed louder and we kept on throwing popcorn at each other until Louis groaned and stopped the movie. It was crazy how easily Louis could make himself home. He was using my remote for my tv, was sitting on my favorite spot on the couch, cuddling with my girlfriend.

"Fine! Fine I get it!" Louis gave in, raising his hand up in defeat. "You guys can't stay too far away from each other for too long. It's sad but it is what it is!"

He practically jumped off the couch and walked up to me. After a quick head movement, I sent him a smile and got up to. I let myself fall next to Liv and immediately, she cuddled my side like a magnet, making me smile more. I had no idea why I was insecure when it came to Louis, but she proved over and over again that I had no reason to be. I wrapped my arm around her to pull her closer and we finished the movie before grabbing a few beers and talking. It was almost 3 in the morning when Louis and El left and I watched as Liv got up, yawned and stretched.

"I'm so tired, let's go to bed, yea?"

"We really should clean first." I pointed out, grabbing a few bottles.

I was about to bring them to the kitchen but she stopped me with a grimace and a groan. "Niall, we need to sleep. Come onnnn, we can do that tomorrow."

I stared at her and sighed, not really sure I liked the idea but I finally nodded and followed her to the room as she held my hand and pulled me with her. We fell asleep quickly but she did before me and for some reason, I enjoyed watching her snore lightly, her lips parted, as I held her close to me. These days, we fell asleep holding each other face to face and it was very different from our usual spooning. Still, I liked it but when I woke up, she was on the other side of the bed, her legs were over mine, and I smiled at how much she had moved.

I got up, put sweatpants on and made coffee before drinking a cup as I looked at the mess in the living room and the kitchen. She joined me about half an hour later, entering the kitchen as she yawned. It made me chuckle but I liked the mess of her hair and her lazy smile. I wanted that every single morning of my life.

"Slept well?"

"Yes but not enough." she just shrugged with an other yawn.

I poured her coffee in her favorite mug and we both drank in silence, leaned against the counter. After I was done, I put my cup in the sink and without turning back to look at her, I sighed.

"We need to clean now."

"Mm, I just woke up. We can do that later in the afternoon." she just shrugged.

"Liv, we need to clean now. That's what happens when we postpone these kind of things. It'll never be fun but doing it now means we can do something else after."

She stared at me a few seconds and sighed, letting her head fall back on her shoulders. I didn't want to argue with her, and I knew how messy she was, but she also knew I was the opposite and that leaving everything as is the night before had been annoying to me.

"Well I don't want to do it now."

I didn't expect that answer and took a step back as my eyebrows raised.

"Why are you being like that?"

"Why are you being like that?" she repeated. "This can wait! I can't believe we're arguing over that!"

"Olivia, please! We left this mess last night and we need to clean!"

"You knew how i was before I started living here, it's nothing new!" she let out a bit roughly.

"And you know how I was too!" I argued before she brought her hands to her face and sighed. "You need to make efforts, okay? I am!"

My voice was a bit too loud and I knew it but I was getting pissed. I couldn't believe we were arguing over something like that. After all we had been through, I didn't want to accept that something so silly could be what would end us.

"I just... I need a shower."

I left without waiting for her answer and stayed a bit too long under the hot stream but when I got out of the bathroom with clean clothes, my lips curled at the sight. She had cleaned a good part of the living room and was now working on filling the dishwasher. I walked up to her and wrapped my arms around her waist from behind, leaning my chin on her shoulder.

"Thank you." I whispered, leaving a few kisses on her neck and she finally turned in my arms to look in my eyes.

"I'm sorry."she sighed and licked her lips. "I'll make efforts, I promise."

We finished cleaning and ended up sitting at the table with an other cup of coffee and eggs. The problem was, I couldn't stop thinking that I was leaving in a few days and it bothered me. I wanted us to discuss it but at the same time, I was not sure she wanted to talk about it. I knew that she thought mentioning things out loud made them more real or concrete but ignoring them and pretending the problems weren't there wouldn't make them disappear.

"It's gonna be tough, you know. We'll be away from each other for quite a while."

It took her a few seconds to answer as she seemed focused on her coffee but after a while, she breathed in and sighed.

"I know it won't be easy, Niall, but I also know that it will never be as hard as it was without you for a whole year. So yea, I think we can get through this and come out stronger." she said in a calm way before looking up in my eyes. "I hate being away from you but that won't change my love for you, not even just a little."

I reached for her hand on the table and squeezed her fingers before sending her a small smile. "It won't change mine either. And you're right, that year without you was the worse I've ever been through."

"It's... different." she told cautiously, looking up at me and noticing my questioning look. "You spent that year without me because you decided it, it was your choice. You did it for a reason and you wanted to be alone to live things you clearly thought you couldn't live with me. But me... I suffered through it. You broke up with me, broke my heart... I lost my best friend and the love of my life at the same time, you know? We didn't live that year the same way."

I felt my heart thump hard in my chest and I just nodded very slightly, as we stared at each other.

"You know, Niall... you left me with nothing." she said and I could swear I heard her voice crack. "I tried to find someone else, to find what I was missing from someone else, but I never really found it because what I was missing was you." Once again, she breathed in and sighed. "I know it's not easy but maybe you should try to put yourself in my shoes and... try to understand how I feel, you know? How I felt all those months."

I remembered that she told me it was tough for her but I never really understood how hard it had been until I found out she had literally tried to kill herself. Still, I felt like I couldn't really know the feeling and never would be able to. I remained silent as her words kept running in my head and finally held my breath. I couldn't believe I was thinking about writing a song in such a deep moment but I was and I just shook my head.

"You're right, Liv." I admitted, reaching for her other hand and squeezing both of them tight. "I'll try to understand how you felt in that year we were apart, after I broke you. It's hard to imagine but, I know I've hurt you more than I ever hurt anyone else, and I'll listen to everything you have to say about it."

She sent me a fond smile and nodded. "I can't really put it in the past." she added low. "Not because I don't want to, but because I feel like it's part of our story. I thought I knew who you were, I thought you'd never leave. I mean, we've known each other for decades... I thought you would never break my heart. But it was hard to accept, you know? That I didn't know you as well as I thought I did. I felt like... you ripped my heart out. Like you stole something from me that I could never get back without really knowing what it was. And I wanted it back. The worst was.. I still wanted to be with you. If you had came back I would have said yes in a heartbeat. I was always thinking of you, no matter who I was with, and yes, it includes Louis."

I stared at her, blinking a few times but still remained silent. I didn't want to let go of her hands and I also didn't want to talk. I thought it was just time to listen.

"I just... I went in bars and clubs to change my mind, I tried to date other people, I tried to drink my pain away... I just wanted to get over you and nothing worked, because I had nothing left." She paused again and shrugged. "I learned that making you the center of my life was not a good idea but it was something I was used to, I did it since I was a kid. Now I don't want to do things for you, Niall. I want to do things for us, and I want you to do the same. It's a team work. I mean, it's us against the world, right? That's what we said?"

I sent her a bigger smile and nodded. "It is. You and me."

[faedawayyy]

folklore.

taylor swift songs that very specifically catch certain times in this rp. it’s not like “oh some of the lyrics relate”. it’s how i genuinely saw the whole situation unfold/the most accurate comparisons. if your chara isn’t active and/or you dont rly share much with me, obviously they won’t be there as much. i’m not gonna apologise for that :’)

the 1 - very specifically riley and wes in their current era from riley’s pov. i feel like it makes sense bc the song isn’t bitter and there’s clearly still some sort of sentiment there but at the same time, it’s not unhealthy or moping? 

cardigan - almost as if we’ve done a 180 and spun to the other side of wes’s life, janey and wes from janey’s pov. i feel like the references to being young and making mistakes are super janey and also all the mentions of familiarity. 

the last great american dynasty - from the pov of the insider or any ‘rich girl’ looking into margo’s life. i feel like she’s definitely the most questionable of the girls from that circle and the whole song has a gossipy undertone to it. it’s just very margo and her return to the springs gave me this vibe completely.

exile - the mess surrounding soraya, owen, dallas and gisele, but VERY SPECIFICALLY dallas and gisele and soraya and owen. i feel like verse 1 & chorus is owen to soraya, verse 2 & chorus is gisele to dallas, the bridge sounds very, very, very owen and soraya. ESPECIALLY when it’s like: “you never gave a warning sign”  “i gave so many signs”  “never learned to read your mind”  etc. etc. etc. bc i dont know, i remember it becoming VERY clear that she was set on dallas. the last part of the song is from all of their povs 

my tears ricochet - mabel and brody, mabel and brody, mabel and brody. i feel like she really, really liked him and he’d paint out that he was totally loyal to disney but definitely led her on but wasn’t as outright about his feelings as she was and it eventually (along with a lot of other things) led her completely out of town. i just completely see it for this one. 

mirrorball - clyde and poppy BUT from clyde’s pov, not poppy’s. the metaphor of clyde being the mirror ball and poppy being the light is so accurate for their whole arc through the rp in my opinion. it’s so safe and comforting but it doesn’t sweep over any ugly parts either. the bridge is very clyde and kind of how he was treated by everybody else. 

seven - i always say this but the progression of dallas and soraya’s relationship before it got dark; it’s very summery, romantic and has the references of escaping problematic families/people through almost child-like comforts. this would obviously be from soraya’s pov. i also feel like it’s them now, but it’s a memory more so than a direct song.

august - roxy’s pov about mason. they had a very short-lived, cute connection but it was obvious she wasn’t really his girlfriend/they never made it to the next level. i will ALWAYS hate mason for roxy - that’s the only ex i feel like he’s actually done dirty, and i feel like there was definitely a point where she believed in it and then a very obvious point when she realised he’s not as angelic/nice as he initially seems and the bridge captures that so well. i’m rly not meaning for all of these to be about my characters.

this is me trying - JIWON ON HER OWN WITH HER HOTEL BUSINESS AND EXPECTATIONS. like, she’s so perfect and great on the outside and this big popstar but she has so many people doubting her. i feel like “ahead of the curve/the curve became a sphere” is so. on. point. she gets rly ahead in her st judes career but then ends back up at point 1 when she’s trying to prove herself with the hotel. 

illicit affairs - danny and zara. in literally every verse we’ve had (?) the little shits...and zara’s pov for sure. i feel like it’s (obviously) really easy to hate like “the other woman”, but i feel like this song rly highlights that it can still genuinely be love but just unfortunately not under the right circumstances idk. it just makes so much sense to me. the bridge ESPECIALLY. i feel like i’ve heard zara almost say those exact words. 

invisible string - matt and oliver concerning matt’s return. i know they’re not together (i wish they would) but i feel like everything happened so naturally, like matt ended things with maelyn and oliver arrived shortly after...it fits with the whole being tied together with string/remembering little details about each other/fate kind of guiding them together (if you think i’m implying they should date, u are right) 

mad woman - to ME this is very soraya and gigi again, looking into the others relationship. so soraya @ owen observing him and gigi. gigi @ dallas observing him and soraya. idk, i know i keep talking about it but i feel like there were so many raw feelings in that plot and i genuinely saw it from every point of view. the “it’s obvious that wanting me dead really brought you two together” is so soraya @ owen and dallas and the crazy/angry line is definitely gisele @ dallas, bc that was A LOT of their relationship 

epiphany - i feel like i ALWAYS misinterpret this song LMAO i’m sorry, but it really reminds me of matt’s mental health struggles. i feel like it’s almost like an internal monologue type song and i rly like the song when it’s in that context. i hate it as like, a love song. it’s so shit/lazy in that context LOL. 

betty - JACK AND BRIELLE. i know a lot of people don’t know about their connection but it’s so high school boy messes up with high school girl LOL. if i had to put it in a more known context, then definitely wes x roxy x riley...roxy being betty and wes being james. arabella totally would’ve been inez LOL 

peace and hoax - (skip, they bore me to fucking tears. sorry swifites)

the lakes - it’s all about escaping and being in love and these are the specific couples/friendships it super reminds me of.

kendall and mason

zara and danny 

christelle and blake 

pHoenix and GABE (they own this song in my mind) 

madison and bash 

soraya and dallas - i’m not sorry 

[giogio-gucci-gangstar]

Giorno’s Dinner Party: Mudad Adventure pt ?

Summary: Hol Horse enrages little GioGIo, so obviously he is forced to take drastic measures to put Hol in his place. 

CW: Giorno acting like his father, attempted murder, DIO the bad dad encourages said murder, no actual murdering tho

Disclaimer: Obviously DIO reads ancient history and philosophy to Giorno as a bedtime story. He thinks graphic Greek tragedies are perfectly age appropriate for a five year old. 

That was the last straw, Giorno thought to himself. His chubby cheeks were red with rage and little fists were clenched as he stiffly stomped down the hall. Hol Horse was going to pay for his sins dearly. And Giorno knew exactly how he was going to exact his revenge on the weird cowboy man. 

A maniacal little giggle escaped his mouth as he changed directions in the corridor, opting instead to run into the part of the backyard where Enyaba kept what she called a “dangerous garden”. The name sounded so inviting Gionro couldn't resist! He was hoping for something scary like a venus flytrap or another plant that could bite. He giggled again imagining Hol Horse running around while a plant bit his butt. 

However, Giorno’s evil little dream was crushed when he pushed open the doors to her greenhouse. There were just neatly manicured rows of what looked like herbs. And the whole place reeked of garlic. No wonder DIO didn't come back here at all. 

Giorno scrunched up his nose at the smell and tried to breathe through his mouth. He walked briskly down the aisles looking for anything that could make this garden even the tiniest bit dangerous. He also made a promise to himself to grab the first possibly painful thing he saw because the smell was starting to make him gag. 

Basil? No, that tastes good. Cilantro? He was sure he could find something that tasted worse than soap. Mint? No, that also tasted too good… Hemlock? Now, that one sounded familiar. Oh yes it was! Giorno distinctly remembered this one because it was one of the rare bedtime stories DIO had told him. Some guy named Socrates drank it to kill himself or whatever. The details were fuzzy, he remembered DIO called Socrates some names at this point, but it was poisonous! And boy did he want to poison Hol Horse! 

~~~~~~

Hol Horse looked between DIO and Gionro skeptically. Yeah it was odd to have dinner with either of them, but the way Giorno kept laughing to himself scared the shit out of him. Honestly it was scarier than how DIO was staring at him. Hol had nervously tried to excuse himself from the table but DIO wouldn’t allow it. 

“Now now Hol, don't be in such a rush. I'm sure Giorno has something spectacular planned for dinner. It's not everyday he requests both of us to join him.” DIO just grinned. He seemed a little jealous that his son had invited this mess of a man to dinner with him, but he seemed intent on letting whatever Giorno had planned play out. 

The servant brought DIO a glass of his “special wine” while Giorno rushed in with what looked like half cooked pasta with cut up leaves. Hol Horse eyed it nervously; it looked very suspicious. Ok that was an understatement, everything in this mansion was suspicious but this plate of pasta looked like it could kill him. And that glare in Giorno’s eyes looked like he wanted it to. 

Hol spared a glance towards DIO to see him trying to cover up a fit of laughter with a cough. Hol started nervously laughing too, at which DIO suddenly stopped. 

“Won’t you try a bite Hol? It looks like Giorno worked very hard on it.” DIO purred. He had noticed immediately what sort of “herb” GIorno had used to garnish Hol’s pasta. It was an adorable first attempt at murder and he wanted to make the moment last. 

“Ah sir, and kid, Im sorry but I just had a huge lunch and this sorta leafy thing isn't really my uh thing.” Hol was sweating. The pasta was definitely poisoned. It could not have looked more poisoned if a giant cartoon skull and bones formed from the steam rolling off of it. It literally screamed Hol Horse’s Poison, Poison for Hol Horse, Poison made especially for Hol Horse, Stuff that will Poison Hol Horse. 

DIO let out a dramatic sigh and extended a hand to console Giorno. 

“Im sorry my dear but I dont think it’s time for Hol Horse to eat that just yet. He still has a contract with Daddy, remember.” Giorno’s lip started to quiver. “But, if Hol Horse did something to hurt you we might have to reconsider that contract…” 

Hol Horse had to have misheard that right? The world started to spin, when Giorno’s piercing yell tore through him.

“HOL HORSE CALLED MY DRAWING OF A LADYBUG A COCKROACH” The child was seething as it clung to DIO’s waist. Hol was scared shitless but DIO just snickered. 

“Hm that was a very insensitive thing to say Hol Horse” Oh god this was it, DIO was finally going to kill him, “But you know Giorno,” DIO picked up Giorno and plopped him onto his lap, “Hol Horse is American and they're not very smart. Even for them Hol is a bit of a dud. He probably wouldn’t even know what a good lady bug looks like if he saw one in real life.” 

Every bone in Hol Horse’s body had turned to jello. Yeah he knew working for an evil vampire with a revenge fantasy would be difficult, but he hadnt realized the job would make him a pawn in some terrifying soap opera of murder. Best to just go along with it he thought and tried to apologize to Giorno. 

Hol reached down to ruffle Giorno’s hair as a half-assed apology, but Giorno turned to him coldly and stated, “I have rabies and I will bite you.” That was enough demon child for today Hol Horse reckoned as he quickly walked out of the room before DIO could change his mind about letting him survive.

~~~~~~

“Come now Giogio, I'm sorry that didn't go as planned but how about you come hunting with me next week?” DIO tried to console his son the best way he knew how: Father Son Murder Spree.

“It's not the same.” Giorno pouted. Oh how absolutely adorable, DIO was tearing up, he wanted to kill for revenge! How pure!

[stilinskishit]

Too Long (A Stiles Stilinski Fanfic) - Chapter 3

**First couple of posts have a different title but I changed it because I didn’t like it :)**

Summary: Teen Wolf with a female main character alongside Scott and Stiles? Here it is. Ramie McCall is Scott’s twin sister and best friends with both her twin and Stiles. The trio’s friendship means the world to all three of them, so what happens when there are more than friend type of feelings present?

Tags: @multi-madison​

MASTERLIST

Chapter 3 - Batman

Ramie awoke Monday morning extremely confused. She was not in her bed and the alarm going off was not her usual phone alarm. After a second she realized she was in Stiles’ room and everything came flooding back to her. She and Stiles were studying the night before and then watched a movie, and she must have fallen asleep at some point. It wasn’t out of the ordinary for Ramie to stay at the Stilinski’s, but Scott was usually there and they would sleep on the floor. Ramie reached over and grabbed Stiles’ phone, turning off the alarm. The boy was still sound asleep, his arm draped over her side and his head shoved into the back of her neck. She was glad he was asleep as she could feel how hot her face was. She wasn’t surprised the boy was a cuddler, but she never thought she would be the one he was cuddling. She regretfully moved away from him, sitting up and moving to edge of the bed, swinging her feet onto the floor.

“Morning,” She heard a rough voice behind her. Stiles was now awake as well, rubbing his eyes. Ramie pretended not to notice his morning voice. She couldn’t help but grin at how cute he looked. “You fell asleep during the movie and I didn’t want to wake you, I texted Scott so he knew you were here and wouldn’t freak out.”

“Sorry, I was exhausted,” Ramie turned away from him again, feeling embarrassed.

“No it’s fine!” Ramie could feel Stiles sit up quickly behind her.

“Stiles do you always wake up this late?” Ramie asked, rummaging through her bag to see if she had a sweatshirt or something she could put on so she wasn’t wearing the exact same clothes to school that she was wearing the day before.

“Late? This is early,” He groaned, pulling himself out of bed. “Do you need a shirt to wear or something?”

“If you don’t mind,” Ramie said sheepishly.

“Pick whatever,” He gestured to his closet. Ramie grabbed a green and black flannel from his closet and pulled it on over her t-shirt. Feeling eyes on her, she turned to Stiles who was still sitting on his bed, staring at her with a small smile on his face.

“What?” She asked. “Do I have bad bedhead or something?”

“No!” Stiles jumped off the bed, moving to his dresser and turning his back to her. “I was just thinking about something funny Scott said the other day.” Ramie narrowed her eyes at the back of his head and went over to the mirror on the back of his door. Her hair was fairly tame, and she had nothing on her face.

After rushing Stiles out the door, the two made it to school surprisingly on time. They met  up with Scott in the parking lot, as they usually did. He looked tense as he walked towards Ramie and Stiles.

“Why do you look… terrified,” Ramie asked when he got to them and they started walking towards the school.

“I had a weird dream…” Scott sighed. “I attacked Allison on a school bus and it felt so real.”

“But it was just a dream,” Ramie reassured him.

“So you killed her,” Stiles butted in, pulling open the door front door to the school, letting Scott and Ramie go before him. Ramie shot him a look and he shrugged.

“I don’t know, I just woke up,” Scott said, shrugging. “I was sweating and couldn’t breathe, it took me a few minutes to relax. I’ve never had a dream where I woke up like that before.”

“Really? I have,” Stiles said. “Usually ends a little differently.”

“Please, no,” Ramie shoved Stiles, pulling a disgusted face. “I slept in your bed last night, I don’t need that sort of information.” Scott met Ramie’s eyes with a slightly shocked look on his face. She looked away quickly, watching her feet as they walked.

“A. I meant I’ve never had a dream that felt that real, and B. Like Ramie said, never give me that much detail about you again,” Scott looked at Stiles. “Especially if my sister is sleeping in your bed.”

Stiles tripped over his own foot at Scott’s words and stumbled forward.

“We just fell asleep watching a movie,” Stiles rambled. Ramie kept her head at her feet. “I swear that’s it.”

“I’m just messing with you guys,” Scott chuckled, hitting Stiles on the arm. Ramie chuckled, it sounding far more nervous than she intended.

“I think I know what this is about,” Ramie said quickly, changing the subject.

“I know, I know, you think it has something to do with me and Allison,” Scott groaned, continuing to walk down the hall. “Like I’m going to rip her throat out or something.”

“No, never,” Stiles said, causing Scott to look over at him.

“No that’s exactly it,” Ramie said, Stiles nodding enthusiastically, his previous response clearly sarcastic. Scott gave them both a death glare. “Hey, I mean honestly Scott, you’re handling it pretty well.”

“Yeah, it’s not like there’s a book for you to read about how to use your wolf powers for good and to not rip out throats,” Stiles patted Scott on the shoulder.

“Maybe there’s not a book, but I could have a teacher,” Scott shrugged.

“What, Derek?” Ramie asked, and Stiles smacked Scott on the back of the head. “It seems you’ve forgotten we got his ass thrown in jail.”

“I know, I know,” Scott rubbed the back of his head. “It’s just that dream, it felt so real.”

“How real?” Stiles asked, just as he pushed opened the door into the back courtyard.

“Like it actually happened,” Scott said before running straight into Ramie who had stopped dead in her tracks. The trio looked up to see a school bus, completely destroyed and covered in blood at the back to the school.

“I think it did,” Stiles said, as Scott and Ramie stared at the bus in shock. Scott turned suddenly, running back in the school.

“God you’re stupid sometimes,” Ramie glared at Stiles before running after Scott. She heard him questioning her behind her but ignored him as she ran after Scott. “Scott, wait, I’m sure she’s fine, dont listen to Stiles. It’s just a coincidence.”

“Yeah, a coincidence,” Stiles butted in, suddenly next to them again. “A seriously amazing coincidence.”

“Stiles!” Ramie gave him a death glare and he opened his mouth but closed it again, putting his hands up defensively.

“Scott I’m sure she’s…” Ramie started as they turned a corner, Scott running straight into Allison, alive and well. “Right here. Hey, Allison.”

“Jesus, you scared me,” Allison put her hand on her chest, kneeling with Scott to pick up the things she dropped when Scott crashed into her.

“Told you she was fine,” Stiles said to Scott. It was Ramie’s turn to smack Stiles on the back of the head. Stiles scoffed at her, rubbing the back of head and turning, mumbling something before walking to class.

“Why wouldn’t I be fine?” Allison looked between the two siblings. Scott looked at Ramie, begging for her to say something.

“I just had a weird dream with you in it,” Ramie said. Scott nodded, giving her a small smile to thank her for saving his ass.

“You’ll have to tell me about it later,” Allison grinned, pecking Scott on the cheek before heading towards her class. Scott and Ramie followed in the direction that Stiles had before, the three of them having class together that period.

“So… nice shirt,” Scott said as they walked together. Ramie looked down at herself.

“I wear this t-shirt all the time… but thanks?” Ramie gave him a confused look.

“No I mean, the flannel,” Scott said, the corner of his mouth lifting a bit. “Looks like one Stiles just wore the other day.”

“Yeah, because it’s his. We woke up late and I needed something to wear,” Ramie said as casually as possible, not looking over to her brother because she could picture the look on his face.

“Wearing Stiles’ clothes after sleeping over at his house,” Scott muttered, and Ramie could hear the smirk in his voice. “Sleeping over in his bed, may I add.”

“Shut it Scott,” Ramie glared at him as they entered the classroom, keeping her head down to hide her face, as she knew her cheeks had to be bright red. She heard Scott laughing to himself as he sat down at the table next to the one Stiles was at, while Ramie sat down next to Stiles. Mr. Harris always made Scott and Stiles sit separately during class, but somehow Ramie and Stiles got away with sitting next to each other.

“Maybe Scott caught a rabbit or something,” Stiles said as Ramie sat down next to him, obviously still trying to piece together Scott’s dream.

“And did what?” Scott butted in from his table.

“Ate it?” Ramie peered around Stiles to grin at Scott.

“Raw?”

“No, you baked it over a campfire,” Stiles deadpanned. Scott glared at the two of them, Ramie covering her mouth so he couldn’t see her smile.

“Stilinski and McCalls,” Mr. Harris called out. “Class is starting. Maybe you three would benefit from some more distance.”

“I don’t think so,” Stiles shot back, shrugging. Harris gave Stiles a look that would burn him to death if his eyes were lasers. “Alright, going.” He groaned, moving across the room while Scott moved up a few tables.

“Let me know if the separation anxiety gets to be too much for you,” Mr. Harris said, causing Stiles to let out a sarcastic laugh. As he sat down as his new seat, his eyes catching Ramie’s and he gave her a grin. Scott, who saw the exchange gave Ramie a knowing look when Stiles looked away, before turning back to the front of the class.

…

After it was found out that there was a bus driver nearly killed in the incident the night before, Scott turned to Derek to look for answers. He suggested that Scott go back to the crime scene and see what he could remember from that night, which is why Ramie found herself in the back seat of Stiles’ jeep late that night.

“You two stay here,” Scott said, moving towards the fence that surround the back parking lot of the school. “Someone needs to keep watch.”

“Ramie’s here, she can do it,” Stiles jabbed his thumb towards Ramie, who glared back at him. Stiles started to climb the fence.

“Stay here,” Scott grabbed Stiles’ arm, pulling him back downwards.

“How come it always feels like you’re Batman and I’m Robin,” Stiles said. “I’m always keeping watch.”

“If he’s Robin I don’t wanna know who I am,” Ramie sighed, pulling the sleeves of her sweatshirt over her hands.

“No one is Batman or Robin, or anyone,” Scott groaned. “Just stay here.”

“Oh my god, fine!” Stiles dramatically pushed off the fence, following Ramie who had already turned back to the jeep. Ramie hopped in the passenger side as Stiles sighed loudly, slamming his door and slouching down in his seat.

“Oh relax, Batman,” Ramie squeezed his shoulder. “You would’ve passed out with all that blood anyways.”

“I would not!” Stiles argued, and Ramie just grinned back. He rolled his eyes and huffed again, sinking back down in the seat. The two sat in silence for a few minutes.

“You wanna know something funny,” Ramie said suddenly, feeling brave. Stiles hummed in response, his eyes still glaring towards Scott on the bus. “The night Scott got bitten, I came home late, obviously, and my Mom thought you and I were hooking up or something. Crazy, right?” She gave a nervous laugh which she hoped didn’t actually sound nervous and glanced over at Stiles, whose head snapped towards her.

“Why’d she think that?” He sat up, a panicked look on his face.

“I dunno, I guess cause we spend a lot of time together or something,” Ramie shrugged, looking away from his gaze. She regretting bring it up. “But it’s crazy anyways, that she would think that. It would be so weird if we were anything other than friends.”

“Yeah,” Stiles said quietly. “You’re right it would.” Ramie glanced over at him. He was looking straight forward, she couldn’t tell what he was thinking. Usually she was good at reading him, but not now. Her chest felt tight at him agreeing with it being weird. She obviously, deep down didn’t think it would be weird at all.

“Wait,” Stiles shot up in his seat. “Raim do you see that?”

“Lights?” Ramie followed his gaze. What looked like flashlights were coming towards the bus that Scott was currently on. “Stiles, do something!” Stiles started honking his horn over and over, and a minute later Scott came sprinting back towards the jeep. Ramie dove in the back and Scott jumped in her spot a minute later, yelling at Stiles to drive. Stiles threw the car in reverse and sped out of the parking lot.

“Did it work?” Ramie leaned forward as soon as Stiles turned the jeep around, putting her head between the two boys in the front seat.

“Yeah, I was there last night, the blood on the bus, a lot of it was mine,” Scott huffed, out of breath.

“So you killed him?” Stiles asked.

“No, I think I was trying to save him. I saw glowing eyes, it must have been Derek,” Scott continued. Ramie’s eyes narrowed.

“Why would Derek want you to remember that he attacked the bus driver?” She asked.

“I don’t know, that’s the part I dont get,” Scott sighed.

“I bet it’s some wolf pack thing,” Stiles shrugged. “Ripping someone apart together, like hazing or something.”

“But he didn’t, do it, he’s not a killer,” Ramie chimed in.

“So I can go out with Allison,” Scott said, Ramie patted Scott on the shoulder and Stiles rolled his eyes.

“I was gonna say it means you won’t kill us, but that too I guess,” Stiles nodded.

“Oh yeah… that too.”

…

Ramie awoke a few nights later to a loud thud coming from Scott’s room. She checked her phone, it was only 11:30. Scott said he wouldn’t be back from his date with Allison til 1 or so. Ramie shot up out of bed, seeing a figure from across her room in Scotts room, the doors of the bathroom being left open. She grabbed the bat she had been keeping next to her bed and ran into Scott’s room, towards the figure crawling onto his bed but heard a familiar scream.

“Jesus!” Stiles jumped back onto Scott’s bed. Seconds later, Melissa came running into Scott’s room, also carrying a bat.

“What the hell? Stiles!” She groaned, dropping the bat to her side, while Ramie still had hers up in shock. “What are you doing here?”

“What am I doing?” Stiles yelled. “What are you two doing with all these bats? Does anyone in this family play baseball?” The light flipped on and Scott was suddenly in the doorway, looking very confused.

“Scott, can you please tell your friend to use the front door,” Melissa said to her son.

“It was locked, he couldn’t get in,” Scott said. “He’s Ramona’s friend too.” Ramie glared at Scott for using her full name and putting the blame on her as well.

“I was asleep until I heard a crash,” She looked at her mother.

“Alright, well how about the fact that there’s a police enforced curfew right now and you both are out past that? Do either of you care?” Melissa looked between the two boys.

“No.” They both shrugged. Melissa sighed, throwing the bat onto Scott’s bed.

“You know what, I’m done parenting tonight,” She turned to leave. “Ramie’s in charge.” Ramie grinned and Stiles looked over at her, doing a double take. His gaze stayed on her for a second and he glanced down at her legs, which she noticed were completely bare. She was wearing a huge t-shirt to bed and very small shorts, and she just realized under his gaze that she looked like she wasn’t wearing pants. She tugged the sizes of her shirt down as far as she could. Her stomach flipped a bit, but she told herself Stiles was just being a typical teenage boy. Scott spoke, breaking Stiles’ gaze.

“So what’s up,” Scott pulled his desk chair over towards his bed, and closed his door. He sat down, facing Stiles.

“My Dad left for the hospital a bit ago,” Stiles looked between Ramie and Scott. Ramie leaned against the doorway of the bathroom, listening. “The bus driver, he succumbed to his wounds.”

“Succumed?” Scott breathed.

“It mean’s he died, Scott,” Ramie said quietly. Scott looked between her and Stiles, before getting up out of his chair, turning to leave.

“Wait where are you going?” Stiles followed him into the hall.

“Derek, I need to talk to him,” Scott said taking the stairs two at a time, Stiles and Ramie on his heels.

“Now?” Ramie called, Scott clearly ignoring her as he shoved on his shoes. Without another word he took off out the front door.

“So much for that curfew,” Ramie said, sitting on the stairs as Stiles watched him take off.

“Yeah, I guess I should get home before my Dad gets back,” Stiles glanced at Ramie, his eyes not meeting hers but not looking at her bottom half either. She felt very uncomfortable.

“Stay safe out there Stilinski,” She said from the stairs. He chuckled and shot her a small smile before heading out the front door. She turned to walk back upstairs and found her mother watching her from the top of the flight.

“What?” Ramie asked in regards to her mother’s gaze.

“Just wanted to see if there was any kissing going on down here,” She grinned. Ramie groaned loudly, moving past her mother with a glare and closed the door to her room, hearing her mother’s laugh from the hallway.

[hypermania]

What are your overall thoughts on the episode? I kinda enjoyed it I think

there were obviously a few parts that didn’t work for me but overall i really enjoyed it! it had a really fun energy and i liked a lot of things:

the montage of beth and the fbi agent getting ready was Top Notch

i like this fbi agent in general. i like that she’s not sinister. she’s just doing her job and she’s good at it. 

(not too big a fan of her partner if i’m being honest. i’m not on board with the sort of stereotyping that seems to be happening (between him and dean’s coworker) and i find it so odd that they nailed ben’s trans storyline and then just... so consistently drop the ball on tertiary gay characters. i do find the contrast between him as a gay fbi agent and turner as a gay fbi agent mildly interesting though)

loved the girls calling rio beth’s “boy” and then their judgy little knowing faces when she denied it so hard 

beth wearing the sunglasses in the diner had me hollering!

followed by annie saying something like “did you tell him to look for a blind person or a d-bag?” (cant remember the exact phrasing but it was hilarious)

max’s cousin pronouncing it mrs boh-lahnd 

tbh the whole thing with the cousin was over the top but in a good way i think

the thumbs ups

dean’s fascination with beth’s “the one you wore for him” polkadot dress that frankly looks like something my grandmother would’ve worn

ruby’s “i’ll do it... you touched it” LIKE?? 

also just ruby on that motorized scooter in general; still just as funny

everything with ruby and sara i honestly dont even know where to start with it. it was #heartbreaking and i was watching the whole thing with my hand over my eyes, peering through my fingers, because it was so hard to see. part of me was like oh my god please dont tell her that this is all because of her kidney please dont put that on a kid please dont make her bear this weight but also knowing that it probably needed to happen given the circumstances. and just the small detail about sara not even having her period yet... like? she’s SO young and she already knows too much about the world. it isn’t fair

the gregg and annie scene made me cry? zach and mae’s chemistry is insane and every single scene they’ve had together from the pilot episode up until now has underscored how much these two people care about each other and their child despite any differences theyre having and just how much history they have! i am in my feelings about it tbh 

“i dont have any furniture, man” 

“i don’t get a lot of repeat customers”

“...by a man with no arms”

and obviously everything with rio from the way he can’t eat sushi to the way he says incentivize to the way he called beth champ like it was all A+ give manny an emmy so we can all go home

there were some things i didn’t much care for and i’m sure they’re the same as everyone else (dean and gayle, beth telling dean to stay, annie and dr. cohen) but overall it was a solid episode. i’m excited to rewatch it in a way i haven’t really been with most of the episodes this season (and how dark they’ve been).

[toycarousel]

some advice? Please dont laugh when I say this. I'm transgender, ftm, but I dont like being called transgender, I just want to be called male. But at the same time,I'm african american, and dont want to be an african american male. The very thought scares me to no end and makes me want to not bother with transitioning. My therapist says that my dysmorphia and dysphoria are too conflicting to do anything with, but I dont want to stay as I am. So I'm at an stalemate. Idk what to do next. Advice?

(Disclaimer: I’m not a therapist or any sort of medical professional, so I can only offer my opinions + advice, but if anything feels off to you at all, then totally feel free to ignore it!)

Of course I’m not gonna laugh, Anon, and I don’t get why anyone would -- you’re in a very, very difficult, painful position, and a LOT of therapists aren’t great at figuring out the tentative balance of understanding who a patient is, what a patient needs, what a patient wants, and which steps they need to take with said patient in order to not harm that person... it can definitely take time.  If they’re a good fit for you, they’ll become better at understanding that balance (and also doing their proper research) as they get to know you more, and will offer more helpful options if they’re open-minded about trying a variety of angles instead of just sticking to their little therapy scripts, esp when those scripts don’t always apply neatly to every individual.

I’m not trans (and I’m white), so I could be totally off on a bunch of what I’m about to say (plus everyone’s experiences are different regardless), but I have met a few different people who don’t want to refer to themselves -- or be referred to as -- transgender.  Though their birth assignment doesn’t align with who they are, which fits the definition of “trans”, the term itself just... doesn’t work for them, specifically, and I think I can understand that.  I was born intersex (a person with mixed physical sex characteristics -- many that I didn’t even find out about until much later in life), but I wouldn’t consider that to be a huge part of me, or a defining way to describe my own relationship with gender.  For example, I wouldn’t want to be referred to as “that intersex person”, by other people, unless it was genuinely medically relevant in that moment.

So what I’m personally interpreting from what you’ve written here is that you don’t want the bodily aspect of things to be this constant focus of what your experience in life is, regarding gender.  Since cisgender (and also many intersex men, tbh) get to be referred to as just men, then you should be able to have that same thing, if it feels right for you, imo.  You being what other people would define as “trans” doesn’t make you less of a man regardless, so, ultimately, it’s fair to just want to be referred to as a man, same as all other men.

Wrt to you not wanting to be an African American male due to the terror you feel associated with that specific combo of identities -- well, that sounds incredibly tough for you to be going through, and to try to reconcile! And it’s something I can’t personally imagine (I wish I could help more, so I’ll just offer what I can, but again, if anything sounds off to you, feel free to disregard what I’m saying!) 

I can think of a lot of reasons off the top of my head as to why a person would be terrified to be a black man, but the ones that come to mind for me are things like: having to face an increased risk of police brutality, racism, other stereotypes, other ppl’s expectations as to who you should be -- all those types of wide-reaching social reasons.  But I also don’t know if those reasons are your specific reasons for being terrified of being an African American male, you know? Like on a personal level.  I can take a guess at more specific, internal reasons you might have, but that would be me kinda doing armchair therapy, so I won’t deep-dive there -- however, it’s always a good idea, and appropriate, for you to do some of that intense self-examination, you know? And I’m sure you and your therapist have done a lot of that already, but if you haven’t yet written down your exact reasons for this particular terror, maybe try that out! It’s one of the skills we learn in DBT (and other forms of therapy that I’ve been through).

I’d write out separate pages for each specific thought.  For example, one page listing the reasons/thoughts/emotions as to why you don’t feel comfortable with being labelled as trans (the ways in which it doesn’t apply to you, how you feel when someone does apply it, etc).  And another sheet listing the reasons/thoughts/emotions as to why being an African American man would terrify you, VS just being African American in general.  Again, your reasons for not wanting to be referred to a certain way are totally valid, Anon! These sorts of sheets/journaling exercises are just to help you feel like you have a more solid grasp on where your own emotions are coming from, and to give you something physical to hold onto when you want to explain it in more detail to yourself and your therapist! 

A really, really, really helpful sort of worksheet/mindfulness activity to help us figure out what we’re feeling is this one I also learned in DBT (a form of therapy that is just ridiculously helpful for everyone, imo), and may help with writing out the things I mentioned above.  These are called behaviour chain analysis worksheets, and are usually used to prevent a behaviour that you want to stop engaging in, but what they also ultimately do is help ppl unravel thoughts, emotions -- your primary emotion is especially important to know, because that’s something you can then target with your therapist.  Here’s some info on how to do one: https://www.verywellmind.com/how-to-do-a-chain-analysis-for-problem-behaviors-2797587

And a basic worksheet version (it can rly help to have on-hand, so it can be written down and you can check it out whenever you need to).  https://www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/behavior_chain_analysis.html

Like, for example, say you do one of these sheets to figure out the primary emotion behind bodily dysmorphia.  Say the behaviour was that you snapped at a friend for making a comment about your body, and you want to know why exactly you snapped at them (what about their comment hurt enough to elicit the reaction), and prevent it in the future.  The behaviour chain analysis is a space where you can write down what the behaviour was.  In this example it’d be; “Behaviour: Snapped At Friend”, and then you write down the initial feelings you had associated with it, and the thoughts that went with those feelings.  

Eventually, for example, say that you thought the reason you snapped at them was anger (which is by definition, a secondary emotion -- secondary emotions aren’t less important than primary emotions, but they’re the emotions that happen after primary emotions, sometimes mere seconds after), but when you look at the thoughts you wrote down that you experienced in the moment you snapped at the friend, and dig a little deeper, say it turned out that the primary emotion (the one that happened before the thoughts, and before the secondary emotions) wasn’t anger, but actually shame.

(I’m not saying yours will be shame btw, I just like using shame as an example, because a lot of my own thoughts and feelings and behaviours and inner conflicts are rooted in shame).

So then that gives you something solid to show yourself, but also to bring to your therapist.  Instead of the therapist focusing on only the thoughts and feelings that they’re visibly seeing in you in a session, they now know that you’re struggling with underlying shame, or sorrow, or grief, or disgust, or fear, or whatever the primary emotions end up being for you.  Then the therapist can more easily help you through tackling the dysmorphia, and any unwanted behaviours and thoughts + emotions associated with it.  And being able to tackle one of the things you’re struggling with in the ask you sent me above means that the dysphoria may start to make more sense for you in the same context as the dysmorphia -- and, hopefully, there will eventually be less of a conflict between the two, or at least they’ll be more understandable, even if they’re entirely separate from each other.

Since you’re not yet sure you want to transition due to these very genuine inner conflicts, then, like, I get why your therapist isn’t going ahead with it, but I also don’t want you to have to stagnate with therapy, or be denied the sense of progress, or with generally getting to know yourself either -- I want you to have the opportunity to live a life that feels right for you, but without the various intense fears associated with that! And I know that it’s fully possible, and will likely just take time, and support, and a willingness to unravel some things that... are probably gonna hurt a lot to unravel.  So you should definitely make sure you’re ready to unpack those things and are doing it with a professional you trust; and that you have outside support networks as well (friends, family, whoever is close to you that you can talk to).

Remember that there’s absolutely no time limit on when you can and can’t transition, if you choose to in the future! Plus, there are ways of transitioning that aren’t All The Way, you know? Reversible things you can do (which may have been what you were asking for from the start, ahahaha! My apologies for my wordiness in this response :’)

There are obvs options like binding, packing, etc., that you probably already know about (and know more about than me, tbh).  But you can also try other things out too -- there are certain types of makeup techniques/contouring for a more masculine look, more natural forms of altering hormones (if you feel safe doing so, and your doctor suggests any safe options -- definitely research this one thoroughly ahead of time).  

A legal change of name can also switch up how you feel a whole lot, if you’re ready/able to do so, (and if not, even just asking ppl to refer to you by a name that you choose, or a variety of different names, depending on whether you’re not sure which one fits yet; it’s always okay to change your mind wrt these things).  

Changing your wardrobe drastically can also rly alter how other ppl view and treat you, and I know there are resources online, and many on this site (mainly written by ppl who use the term trans for themselves, but that will hopefully be helpful to you as well), that have clothing swap links, and other suggestions as to more transition-related things you can do to move forward, while also not making any decisions that feel too permanent! Here are some of the links/resources along that vein that I could find:

https://transclothesexchange.tumblr.com/ (clothing exchanges)

https://transguys.com/style/trans-clothing-exchanges (clothing exchanges)

https://thebodyisnotanapology.tumblr.com/post/97564996149/transgender-resources (resources in general, including general body positivity, which could be incredibly helpful during especially dysmorphic and/or dysphoric times!) 

https://advicefromabro.tumblr.com/gi (I think this is an older post, but it mentions an app that will allow you to find a gender-neutral or safe bathroom, if that’s currently a concern for you!)

https://transstudiesarchive.tumblr.com/post/168139537672/transgender-resources-masterpost (looks like this one has some resources for African American people as well, among a variety of races)

https://nonbinary-support.tumblr.com/resources (this one has some links regarding name changes and tips for choosing a name, if that’s something that you’re interested in!)

https://transgenderteensurvivalguide.tumblr.com/post/147789231360/makeup-tips-for-ftm-people (some makeup and skincare tips for men!)

(I hope some of these are helpful for you, Anon! I’m sorry that they use language that doesn’t apply to you, it’s just what came up when I researched these tips -- but I think these are resources that could be helpful for anyone in a similar boat, not strictly trans ppl!)

In any case, whatever you do and don’t do, you can always choose who you are and how you represent yourself.  There are some physical aspects to a body that cannot be changed, or can only be changed with medical intervention, and some aspects of appearance that will always be there (skin colour, etc), but these things don’t define who you are.  I dunno how helpful this will be, but I wanted to also leave you with this; you may have certain body parts, but they aren’t your gender, or the sum of you.  People might assign labels like “trans” to you, but that doesn’t make them right, or you wrong.  You’re African American, but that’s not the sum of you either.  Your race, your gender, these are important aspects of our lives in the sense that they inform our experiences in a lot of ways, but they aren’t Who You Are.  “African American male” may be something a doctor writes on a sheet for you someday, or maybe not, but regardless, it says nothing about you as a person:  

It doesn’t tell anyone what you love, what you dislike, what makes you happy, your hobbies and interests, what you’re good at, what you want to become good at, your dreams, your goals, your personal achievements, those little things in life that make you smile sometimes, your complexities, your favourite colour, a place you’d love to go, a place you already like to go when you want to be alone, or somewhere or something you want to share with a loved one someday, a movie scene that made you cry, whether or not you’re an animal person/want pets (or already have them), your lifelong habits, embarrassing things you did when you were younger, how deeply and wonderfully you affect the people in your life, stories you may have created, your sense of beauty and style, a song or a poem that speaks to you, your sense of humour... all these things are yours.  No matter where you are in life right now, and no matter where you want to be in the future! No one has the right to define you but you -- and no one can take that from you. 

Happy New Year, Anon! And best of wishes~!!! : D

[prorevenge]

You scammed me and backstabbed me? Pay my debts

This happened while i was on the final days of living in another country, english is not my native language so i apologize, i was about to return to my home country, to get a better degree and also try and make use of the experience i gained and courses i took while being abroad for 3 years. While being there i had the support of a man who happened to be from my home country, who helped me a lot but in the last year of my residence or so, he started to act strange around me, and at some point told me our friendship was over, but he backed from that statement, although i was conviced that was a ile...

Anyways, so i quit my job, started packing stuff, sorting things out, saying goodbyes, finding a new renter for the apartment i was living in (which didn't even had running water when i moved in, but with money and time it had everything to make it livable), so 2 weeks before the day i have to leave i find a new renter, make the agreement, he hands me out the money for the improvements i made and we make sure the landlord knows, he was ok with that at that point, 3 days later i get woken up by someone banging on my door, it was the landlord (LL from now on) and my ex-friend (XF from now on), they told me they found a new renter and that i have to talk to previous guy, give him back the money and apologize.

Just to clarify, XF was friends with LL, very long time friends, XF got me in contact with LL so i could rent the apartment, he was aware from the renovations and everything, since he never wanted to reduce my rent from the renovations or refund me, the deal was to pass the cost to the next tenant, and it was fine, or so i thought.

So the following day i go find the guy at his job and explain him the situation, he looked very dissapointed but accepted his money back, then that's where problems started, previous guy and i agreed on a price for the renovations, but the same day LL shows up with an immigrant couple and shows them the apartment, we get to the part about the renovations and we couldn't get to an agreement about them, i told them that if we didn't reach an agreement i would have to remove them, unfortunately for them.

These renovations included but were no limited to: Water boiler, propane tank and gas installation, electric system like changing almost all the wires and replace the non working electric sockets and switches, replacing rusted and/or clogged pipes, replace bathroom sink, telephone, TV, and internet service.

I knew i couldn't remove all, but at least i had the broken switches and sockets that were previously in place, and i wouldnt mind removing the water boiler to sell it anywhere else along with the propane tank, the couple reluctantly agreed on a price and i decided to let everything in place, it was a lot less than i agreed on with the guy i previously had a deal with but it was still something. So lets move to 3 days before leaving, i had already received 50% of the agreed money and the wife was due to give me the remaining money that day, then she shows up 1 hour late and only gives me next to nothing from the remaining half, i asked her what happened to the rest, and she tells me a story about LL showing up to her work (she worked for XF) and that he said i owed a couple months of rent (an obvious lie) and that she handed him the money trusting on his word, then XF comes out of nowhere and tells me that i'm irresponsible and that i should have sorted everything out with LL, then i go meet LL who then in front of me calls XF to tell him i don't owe anything "because ignorant wife paid it for me".

Next day was livid, i confront him, tell him that i always paid in time, to which he replies "i dont remember". Then i go back to ignorant wife to tell her that if she didn't produce the money, there was no key to the apartment, and that the deal was betwen her and me, if XF or LL got involved she was on her own, in tears she called XF telling him she didn't want to rent anymore, i told her i no longer have your money, but "i would go find money to give it back to her, and that she would have to find what to do with the money she paid to LL". I was leaving the next day, so i didn't have time to waste, i was thinking on closing down the apartment and return in a couple weeks to remove and leave the apartmen in the same state i found it, didn't care if every improvement ended in the trash. While i was on my way to the ATM she calls me again sobbing teliing me that she now wants to rent, then hands the phone to XF who in a very pissed tone tells me that i should go get the receipts that all services were paid for.

Now here comes the revenge, i know when every service billing cycle starts, i pay every service and bill within the first 5 days of each month, so bills wouldnt be ready untill the first day of the next month rolls around, whenever you print your account balance for each service, it reads $0, so i took the metro to the electric company to print the account balance (by this point we're on the 29th of the current month) it was $0, telecom (internet, phone, TV) $0, so i go and meet with XF to hand him the printouts and tell him i don't owe anything, despite LL lies, then he goes on a rant about how i was an idiot and a liar and that his worst mistake was to help me (i didn't cause him trouble and even visited him on a daily basis, sometimes bring gifts for no reason, aside from going to his bday, and such), i tell him a blank O.K.

Now i start to add up the debts in my head that they're going to have to pay, first the electricity bill (can't remember the exacts amounts but XF or LL would have to pay a large sum out of pocket), then the telecom, then the empty propane tank i didnt bother to refill which they would have to get refilled in order to cook and take a hot shower, but that wasn't the end, i was counting on the money she owed me to pay my Credit Card bill, but since i didn't have it and i'm no longer in the country, CC company has all the details, like address, phone number, to make their lives hell untill they either move or cancel the phone line.

The next day, before i closed the door for the last time i made sure to leave a complete mess in the toilet (a little goodbye gift, didn't flush), and leave the apartment in a very filthy state that would have likely costed hours to clean, the ADSL router was disconnected from the wall and power, and left my password and configs on, and since they were not very tech savvy that would have been a pain in the ass. Then took my stuff and left, 48hs of travel later i was home, i dumped my older sim card and put on a new one my parents got me, and i had quite a lot of whatsapp missed calls, i proceded to block the numbers both from XF and ignorant wife. Asked my parents for their wifi password and was delighted to see the numbers in the electricity bill, phone, internet and TV bills. Then a month later i started receiving emails from CC company, which is the previous step before they start harassing you at home, but at that point the phone calls at every hour must have been driving them IN-FUCKIN-SANE.

In the end XF, LL and ignorant wife scam costed them more than they thought they were goint to make from me, i wanted to play nice but they drove me to be unreasonable against them.

(source) story by (/u/sangrededragon)