#I DID IT I POSTED THIS BEFORE SOMEWHERE IN THE WORLD TURNED 2 JAN

[rainofcolours]

the touch of him, forever pressed into me (8164 words)

[ (6/? hierarchy of collapse) | Kaijou/Puppyshipping | @hurtcember 2024 Day 6: Touch-Starved ]

Summary: Alone, under the witness of his four walls, how can Katsuya assuage this loneliness birthed from a tenderness he could never learn to kill? (How many ways can I make Katsuya hurt – or hurt a bit less – as he goes about his day? + Myst attempts her first smut, but with hurt) (Potential triggers in ao3 link)

Click below for a few preview paragraphs!

Surrounded by his silent witnesses, these four walls his keeper – inured to the baring of hope and hurt, fears and longing, a future and the impossibility of one. Within this utterly generous extent of twenty metres squared he had loaned to his name, was this his willing prison or a borrowed refuge? Where every centimetre he stood in had been saturated, overflowing from expressions of laments, laughter, loathing, loneliness birthed from a tenderness adrift within the cage of his hollows – always aching; always alone, yet one he had never learnt to (and could not) kill.

This was his new ritual. One manifested from inhibitions of his soul untethered, calling for him from the dusk of his unattended yearnings.

Katsuya leaned his head back and sighed deeply. He held his breath as he would a cigarette – unwilling to cede, teeth lightly grinding, rolling the heat that coalesced just under his throat until it became almost unbearable – only then expelling it into imaginary spirals in the air. His physical body cried for release, held prisoner by a mind ensnared with the illusions of them he could not set himself free from.

Who needs sleep when each day brings ya closer ta ya grave?

(Read the rest of the fic here!)

[golbrocklovely]

My curiosity is getting the best of me so i wonder, just based on interviews and videos Colby has done where he talks about this ex. Do you think his ex girlfriend whom he was in love with and claimed to be clingy with was the same one he cheated on because it seems like different people to me. In one video he said he felt the relationship ended because he was clingy and couldn't see himself not being around her without his day getting ruined. And he said he was so miserable when it ended he wouldnt leave his room. Basically this relationship consumed him. But the girl he spoke of in Sams vid he said he cheated because you could feel the relationship had run its course and they hadnt really been talking...In this last vid he said he's been heart broken twice so could be different people.

Just a thought and a whole lot of curiosity.

oh my god, sorry this is so long but i have a lot to say (and a little bit of proof maybe????)

it's so weird you bring this up, anon, bc i was literally gonna make a post of tweets colby has made over the years that are about love and whatnot, so i've been in the mood to talk about his love life for a while.

at first, i was more incline to think that the girl he cheated on and the girl he broke up with in 2016 were not the same, bc how can you say you're heartbroken from a relationship that you cheated on, you know?? but now, i do think it's the same girl.

let me explain.

looking at his tweets from 2016, you can tell he is in love bc a lot of them are really sweet and lovey-dovey. the tweets start around feb. and even a little bit before in jan., one of them reading “I like your face, that's why I stare” on feb 22. i think somewhere between feb-apr, he meets this girl and they start dating. he starts tweeting things like “I'll be here for you as long as you're always here for me” on march 22, and “All I see is you”, so you can tell he's already headed straight towards Love-ville, you know lol

what i think happened is that he and this girl were in love with each other, but he loved her a lot more than she loved him. he even claimed that he fell really fast in his previous relationship (which i think is this one). so i think what happened is, he fell for her really quickly, and even though she loved him, it wasn't the same or as much as he loved her. and as he had stated in the 'truth or drink' vid he did with sam, things were going downhill for about two/three months before they broke up. in june he's tweeting things like “I need you, don't let me down” on the 6th, and even “Flaky people ..” on june 27, which could be referring to his gf at the time. that same day even he tweeted “Oh my love, can't you see that you're always on my mind ?”, so i think to some extent it was this back and forth of 'i love you, but you keep pulling away from me and i'm tired/hurt from it'.

i think to some degree, he fell too fast and she was uncomfortable with it. so this is when she was starting to take a step back, maybe asking for space a bit, which is what he meant by when their plans would get cancelled, he would be upset. in july he's tweeting 'You don't understand how much you really mean to me' on the 14th and 'I won't let go' on the 30th. i think he could tell they were drifting apart, but he wasn't ready for it to happen.

by august, and no offense to colby if he ever see this, but he sounded kinda desperate but also really upset. i mean i would too if the person i was in love with was pulling away and i wasn't ready for them to leave (bc who the fuck is ever really ready, you know?). he tweeted “It's all because I care too much” on aug. 3, and “Your forever is all that I need” on aug. 13. he was also talking about needing a mental vacation a bunch, and even saying “Get rid of the people in your life who don't treat you right” by aug. 21. what i think is before he went to new york, his gf and him had a bit of a fall out of some sort, where maybe they said they should go on a break, step away from each other bc things weren't working out.

then, by aug 28, he tweets “Well hey NYC, you're looking beautiful tonight”. the next day he tweeted “"I'm no palm reader, but I doubt that's the sign I was looking for"” so i think somewhere within the those days, he might have cheated. also, no joke, on aug. 31, he tweeted “Protect your heart”, so by then, i think he had made his mind up about the relationship. he also had said in the 'truth or drink' vid, that even tho they were already kinda separated since they weren't really talking or seeing each other anymore, it was still cheating bc they were still technically 'dating' and hadn't broken up.

sept. 1, he tweeted "There's no turning back now". sept. 2, he then said "You know where your heart belongs as soon as you step back and just think. Have time to yourself" and "This trip has taught me so much.", so by this point i think they broke up. a couple days later on the 5th he tweeted "I need a girlfriend who's willing to be my best friend. Someone who cares for me just as much as I care for them. Someone who would go on insane adventures with me, and would wanna see the world. Both committed to each other. 100%. Someone who shows that they TRULY care", and then on the 8th "I can be hard to deal with sometimes. I get into bad moods that seem to change me as a person. I'm working on it. Only getting better", and then finally on the 9th "Someone come keep me company".

so to sum it up quickly, they got together early 2016, he fell really fast while she wasn’t falling as fast, she started pulling away and he got hurt by it, they had a fall out/pause in the relationship, he cheated on a trip, came back, and then they broke up.

hopefully this all makes sense. also, looking at his other tweets after this, you can tell the lovey-dovey feelings he once had weren't really there anymore, and he was a lot more closed off then normal. it took until 2018 for him to start opening a bit up again, but even then nothing fully stuck. personally, i think the other heartache is from before LA, like back when he was in hs, but it could have been something a bit more recent. maybe not someone he technically would have called a gf, but maybe someone he was hoping to be with but things fell thru? not sure entirely.

i also think he got his heartbroken first not by a girlfriend, but by a friend of his before he met sam. there a video where it is briefly mentioned and i honestly think that's why he has some trust issues, or at least that's where it started from. but if you want me to talk about that, just ask since this is already way too long lol

[artificialqueens]

I've loved you for all of my life, 2/2 (Crystal/Gigi) - Brianna

summary: gigi goode and crystal methyd broke up. sure, they still live together, but they are over each other. or, at least they think so.

a/n: ok so i lied in that last post, the second song is 929 by halsey, so that’s a mistake on my part haha. this part has even more angst!!! but some fluff to make up for it at the end! let me know if you all want bonus chapters + scenes!

–

The sun had yet to rise in front of the ex-couple’s eyes. Crystal swore that the sky had gotten darker than before, but it was most likely her eyes not being used to the absence of light. Crystal had also decided that she’d never walk home ever again and that she would always charge her phone instead of abandoning the appliance for a whole day. Gigi had randomly started whistling and humming the tune of a song buried deep inside the blue-haired girl’s mind. It might have taken a couple of moments for her to recognize, but she realized it was a song by a mutual friend of theirs: I Know You All Over Again by their beloved Trixie Mattel. Suddenly, Gigi stopped.

“Why did you stop?” Crystal quizzed, head tilting to the side. She was actually enjoying the Goode girl’s rendition of the ballad.

“Because,” Gigi started. She began to pick at her nails. “I thought you’d yell at me or something.” Now, why would Crystal yell at Gigi for humming a song? It wasn’t like it annoyed her or anything. But she could definitely see Gigi not understanding that. “I thought it would bring up some unwanted conversation.” What ‘unwanted conversa-’ oh. Huh. Realization crashed into Crystal’s mind when she understood what Gigi was talking about.

–

“Babe, come here! Trixie sent me a new song and she really wants us to listen to it!” Gigi laid on their bed, texting the mentioned blonde, waiting for her girlfriend to enter the room.

Crystal finished drying a plate, setting the dishrag on the counter, and placing the plate in the cabinet. “I’ll be right there, baby!” She exited the kitchen and walked upstairs into the bedroom, seeing Gigi on the bed with just a large shirt of hers on. “What’s up?”

Gigi smiled and pressed a kiss on the redhead’s temple. “We’re gonna have a little listen.”

About three minutes had passed and Crystal found herself crying, wiping them instantly to try and not alarm Gigi. Unfortunately, it didn’t work and Gigi was quick to pull the older girl in a hug. “Baby girl, what’s wrong?”

“It was so fucking sad, Geege,” she choked out. “I just don’t want that to happen to us, ever.”

Gigi pouted, caressing Crystal’s face with the back of her smooth hand. “Baby. Sometimes, I ask myself if I love you too much, but then I tell myself, 'Gianna, shut up.’”

Crystal gasped lightly. “You love me?” she asked in shock.

“Of course, baby girl. I love you, I really do, and you will never have to worry about me not loving you.” Crystal didn’t say anything, but instead, pressed her lips on Gigi’s, taking her shirt off moments later.

–

Crystal stopped walking for a second. “Were you lying? When you said you loved me?” Gigi shook her head slowly. “Then what made you fall out of love? Because every day I beat myself up, wondering if I just wasn’t good enough for you, or if I’ll ever be good enough for anyone,” Crystal choked out. “A-and it fucking sucks because I don’t get any fucking answers from you!”

Gigi’s face softened. She peered down at the ground. “I… I don’t-I don’t know. It just happened.”

“BUT IT DOESN’T JUST FUCKING HAPPEN, GIANNA!” She stormed her way towards the blonde, standing in front of her, their faces half a foot away from each other. “YOU DON’T JUST WAKE UP AND FALL OUT OF LOVE WITH SOMEONE, AND PUSH THEM AWAY WITH NO REASON OR EXPLANATION!”

Gigi’s face was then streaked with tears and mascara. “Crystal, I’m sorry-”

“No, Geege. I’m sorry. Sorry for myself. Forget you ever saw me at my best. You don’t deserve what you don’t respect. What you say you love, but then proceed to neglect.”

Gigi bit her tongue. She knew back in high school that it was dangerous to fall in love so young, but she didn’t expect the age of 22 to still be young. She wanted to take back everything she had said and done. But the fact was that she couldn’t lose what she never had.

Due to the unplanned attack on Gigi, initiated by Crystal, they had gotten home later than what they had planned.

“Gigi, I want you to know that we have to keep this routine we have.” Crystal began to walk upstairs.

“What routine?” asked Gigi from the living room.

“I’ve got a 9 to 5, and you’ve got a night shift. That should be plenty of time that we don’t see each other for. Hell, I’ll plan to never see you again if I can help it.” She began walking upstairs again, and Gigi was going to run after her, but ultimately decided against it. Both of them went to sleep with tears running down their face, their bodies aching for some kind of consolation and empathy from the other.

–

Two days passed and Crystal woke up on a Sunday morning and headed out to Jan’s for a brunch she and her roommates were having. She’d do anything to get away from Gigi.

The blue-haired girl knocked on the white door of the apartment, only to be met with the face of a woman with a large gap in the middle of her two front teeth. “Why, hello there!” she greeted Crystal. “Jan! Your girlfriend is here!”

“Oh, we’re not dating,” Crystal interjected.

The girl gave Crystal a look that signaled she was disappointed. “Dammit. Now I and Jaida have to deal with her moping around for longer…” she trailed off. “Oh, shit, I forgot to introduce myself! I’m Heidi!” she stuck her manicured hand out for Crystal to shake.

Crystal noticed the french tips that her hands adorned and was instantly reminded of Gigi. The blonde had always gotten her nails done that way. She wasn’t really one for claw-like nails. Her hands were dainty, like her. “Crystal,” she said.

“Come on in! Jan’s making some souffle pancakes!” Crystal walked inside the apartment and was guided into the living room by Heidi. It was really clean and minimalistic, like her own, but that’s all thanks to Gigi. Fuck, she thought. Stop thinking about Gigi, you bitch.

“Chile, since when did we get a hottie in here?” A woman came into the living room from the hallway, observing Crystal. “My name is Jaida, pleased to meet you.”

“Hi, I’m-”

“CRYSTAL!!!” yelled a familiar voice. Jan came charging into the living room with an apron on, attacking Crystal with a massive hug. “I can’t believe you came!”

Crystal chuckled. “Of course I came, Jan! You tantalized me with a good ol’ brunch, which I could never, ever, pass upon.” Crystal pulled away from the girl and her brain screamed the name ‘Gigi’ at her. And it had a reason. Jan’s hair was styled the way Gigi would always do to her own. She wore green, Gigi’s favorite color. Her eyes were even the same color as Gigi’s goddammit.

This was going to be a long brunch.

–

Crystal got home at around four and immediately crashed on the couch due to the number of mimosas and wine consumed, only taking off her heels and throwing her purse down on the floor somewhere in the living room.

Shortly after, Gigi walked downstairs to get herself a cold slice of Sicilian pizza but saw Crystal on the couch, already dozed off. A small smile appeared on her face, and she walked over to the couch to grab a blanket to cover the blue-haired girl. As soon as the fluffy piece of material covered Crystal’s body, she woke up with a jolt. “Ah!” Gigi yelped.

“Ah!” screamed Crystal. She looked up at Gigi, who stood in front of the couch, rubbing her fingers in circles on her temples. “Gianna, what the fuck are you doing?”

“I’m sorry! I just saw you were sleeping, and I-”

“What? You just decided to wake me up?”

“I wasn’t doing that!” Gigi fired back. “I was just putting a fucking blanket on you!”

Crystal sighed heavily, shaking her head and swinging her legs off the couch. “Sorry, I-I didn’t know.”

“Duh,” Gigi replied. “You were asleep.” Gigi sat down on the opposite end of the couch and started biting her lip. “I lied, on Friday.” Crystal had a blank stare as she turned to look at the blonde.

“What?”

“I said I loved you back then, but I lied.”

Crystal scoffed. “See how easy that was?”

“I’m not fucking done,” stressed Gigi. “I wasn’t in love back then, yeah. But I was scared that if I had loved someone, things w-would end up the way they were w-with Jackie,” she began to cry. “I wanted to see the world through her eyes when we were together. She loved me, and I loved her. But I changed my mind when she cheated. I was so dumb. So naive, to believe she loved me.

And with that, I was so fucking paranoid. Scared that someone appears to love me then turns out to be the exact opposite. Then I met you. And I was scared, Crystal. Terrified that it would have been the same with you.” She sniffles and wipes her nose with the back of her hand. “I was forcing myself to tell you I loved you, to see if all my superstitions were right. And I knew they weren’t, but then I got scared again and had no clue when you would snap. So I pushed you away. Turns out, it’s hard to do that when you’re flat broke,” she chuckled. Crystal had tears coming down her face, slowly, but surely. “I might not have been in love then, but I sure as hell am now. And I’m so happy I’ve figured that out.” Gigi took a deep breath and sighed. “You don’t have to forgive me, at all. You can pretend this never-”

“I forgive you,” interrupted Crystal. “God, I will forgive you for everything, Geege.” Gigi smiled through her tears. She was lucky. Lucky that Crystal wasn’t like her ex. Lucky that Crystal was forgiving. Lucky that Crystal was Crystal. Crystal moves next to Gigi on the couch. “I love you,” she says before pressing her lips against Gigi’s for the first time in two months. And it’s perfect.

[thoseindarkness]

DtD News Nov 2020

Thank you to anyone who came back for this nonsense. For brevity I have an announcement that I want to make up front. I didn't have room for it last month so I pushed it back, but I can't anymore. I had to make one major revision to the published story. I want people to know about it.

This is the TLDR version. I tell a more in-depth story at the end.

ANNOUNCEMENT

The summary: I had a bad outline walking into writing Mistrust Goes Both Ways. I ran into a problem mid-story. Instead of stopping and taking the time I needed, I challenged myself to creatively solve my way out of my problems. I re-started with about half of what I'd written, published Mistrust Goes Both Ways, and restarting my outline with high hopes.  I was proud of myself for rising to the challenge.

Despite my best efforts, it didn't work out. In the end, I had to scrap my outline. I was able to structure the end I was going for and spent the end of 2019 trying to link the first two stories to the ending I wanted. It wasn't working. Then TRoS. Then COVID. Here we are. In June, I started experimenting with scrapping Mistrust and restarting from Read Between.

Mistrust Goes Both Ways will not be part of the finished story when I'm done. I know some of you love it. I love it. I have no intention of taking it down. I might, for a short time, when I'm posting the final story. I'll let you know if that happens and it will go back up afterward. I don't have specifics as there's no point planning for it now.

For right now, nothing is changing on my AO3 account. Feel free to read and comment to your hearts content. I promise it will stay up forever to remind me that some mistakes are worth sharing with others. I learned good lessons from this mistake. It stays.

That being said I think I owe you an actual update on the progress of this story.

WHAT THE HELL I DID THIS MONTH

After my first update I needed to re-integrate with Reylo friends. Funnily enough, that pulled me into another fic. I've been working on that between following this election. Now that it's called I can get back to writing. I tried a couple of times since I voted on Oct 30th, but I knew it wasn't what I wanted to be thinking about.

Thankfully, I've also begun doing more social/political essays lately. I'm not sure what overall form or shape those may take and I haven't published any. Still, I was creative and I did plenty of writing. Interestingly, all this political focus is good for Deceive the Deceiver. Spinning and listening to conspiracy theories is a big part of weaving a world like this one. A great deal comes from my thoughts and perceptions of the real world.

WHERE DTD IS

As of right now I am in the process of first drafting the entire story with Read Between as the starting point. That is, every one of the short stories in the series. What I'm doing is somewhere between a history, an outline and random scene writing. All of these elements are currently strung together in one long, continuous, chronological, first draft. It's everything from the history before Read Between (which starts in the 1930's), all the way to the final scene of DtD.

I'm taking all the good ideas I've created in the last couple of years and re-organizing them into a first pass. It's the skeleton and some of the meat now. I'm slowly building out now that I have a blank-er slate. It's about choosing what works and what doesn't.

I call it accordion writing. It just gets bigger and bigger. This outline will later level up into the first full story drafts for each part. I've got so much history when I finish this I might… I'm getting ahead of myself. Don't want to give too many clues away.

Another interesting thing that's happened recently is I've started pulling bits of other fic ideas that I’m just not gonna finish. A big chuck of the history I stole from a modern/academia AU where Ben and Rey are history students specializing in the ancient Jedi religion. Another was a complication between characters came from a canon story where I wanted to paint the relationship with a new layer. We'll see if I can pull that off.

I spent a lot of time prior to this year focusing on the heroes but my villains hadn't gotten much love. Filling in the history has given me a chance to flesh out the villains. All their moves and countermoves, woven through the bits I already have, are spinning a pretty tapestry. Oh, the villains are so much fun to write!

This other fic came together in the same sort of accordion fashion and it's been fun working through the kinks in the process now that I've seen some of the weak points on a scale like DtD. I think I've mentioned, but this is a writing experiment for me and I'm most invested now in improving my process and clue-threading with DtD. This other fic is helping me test it on a smaller scale.

Not that this needs to get any longer, I'm just going to throw pretense out the window and go with complete vanity. If you don't give a wet shit about my life (and I don't blame you) you have reached the end of your journey. I hope to see you next month. If not, then I leave you with this parting:

May we meet again in our next fandom, through mutes and not as rival shippers.

The following is the ridiculous story of my ups and downs with Deceive the Deceiver. I figure if I explain to you how much I'm invested in this story some of you will stop worrying that I'm going to abandon it. Trust me. I'm not.

This tale stretches from NANOWRIMO 2018 and the prompt that started it, through the ups and downs of 2019 and 2020, to the writing of last month's letter. Buckle up. I love bumpy rides.

DtD: from NANO '17 to COVID-19

This story truly starts in December 2017 when I drenched the seat beneath me during Last Jedi. I'm a TLJ shipper. I got caught on the thirst train. It hit a time when writing was becoming a really big part of my life. I've been writing since I was a kid. I stopped for a while and came back to it. It's a long story. Ultimately, I'd started writing a lot a few years earlier. A mix of fic and originals but I was running into problems so I start reading a bunch of books to get better. TLJ lit the fires. NO joke TLJ came out on the 15th. I have pages of writing from the 20th.

2018 was Reylo year! I was already on Tumblr for my previous fandom (Batman comics). I found Reylo AU week which is in August. I submitted a story for that. It was the first fic I published for Reylo. Fast-forward August to November. I'm in the Writing Den on Discord and someone throws out this spy prompt. People start running with. Throwing ideas around. One of those was the snuggie in Mistrust! I have that conversation saved and story spots for each crazy thing they threw out. Finally, I said I'd do it!

Mind you, this is November 2nd. Nano has just started and the event is about "turning off your internal editor." This prompt consumed me. I was trying to keep up with SpaceWaffleHouseTM that first year. I did, btw. We both crested 100,000. It was my first Nano. Word count is not my problem. Organizing my crazy ambitious ideas is my problem. Some of that 100k was other stories, like Custard which I wrote half of in November and the other half Jan/Feb 2019. Most of it… probably 80k of it… was DtD.

Read Between the Lies is currently 33,710. I wrote at least 20k of that during that first Nano, as well as outlines and scenes for what I thought would be the starting point. I remember wanting to write Read Between to "get into their headspace" by writing their first meeting. I didn't think it would become a whole story. I was just going with it then. Any idea that came to mind.

I took December 2019 off for a few reasons. Some personal. Some burnout. I'm one of those people that can use writing to relieve stress, but I was so exhausted from that month-long writing sprint. By the last week I was dragging to get the final four or five thousand words to hit 100k.

Also, what I had by the end (no internal editor) was a bird nest of ideas that had too many beginnings, not enough middles, and endings to go around. I knew one thing right away: I knew I had more than one story. There were so many fun ideas. I figured, what the hell. I knew another thing right away: the prompt was at the end of the story. Like, the very end. Like, the last short story. Or the second to last short story, at the earliest. That hasn't changed. Ever. That's just where it ended up.

Between January and April of 2019 I touched DtD a few times. I kept coming back to it, reading through it, trying to untangle it. I made new notes on the stories. Expanded ideas. Tried to structure it. I figured out a bunch of good notes, but no real substance. The hardest thing was figuring out where to start! Did I:

(1) Start shortly before the prompt with Ben/Rey's relationship established and fill the story with the history?

(2) Start a lot earlier and build Ben/Rey's relationship from the beginning I'd written in Read Between?

If I'm being honest, Read Between was a lot better than I thought it would be and I didn't want to get rid of it. For a while I was thinking of publishing it last as a "prequel" if people liked the series.

Funny enough, the turning point happened May fourth weekend 2019…

In the week leading up, I was struggling through another story and decided to take a break for the weekend. I'd start writing again on Sunday when I met with my writing group. I met them through Nano. We used to meet at Panera. Now they meet on Discord. They mostly sprint though and I'm not a sprinter. I miss Panera. Anyway.

May 4th was a Sunday (look it up). I gave myself a writing break for the weekend and marathoned Star fucking Wars. It was nerd weekend. I was going to nerd out. I wore exclusively SW gear all weekend. I remember it well. It was the start of something fucking magical in my life.

Have I mentioned recently I really love this story. Trust me I will fucking finish it. Oh my god the demons won't leave until I do. Get them out of my head…

I had a pretty rockstar weekend. I believe the reason I skipped the PT that weekend was because I'd watched it the month before or so. Right after finishing the Clone Wars animated series (which is awesome and I strongly recommend both it and Rebels). I skipped them and SOLO.

Starting with R1, I went through in chronological order. I stopped at RotJ. I was with my family on Saturday and they were playing RotJ in the living room during the party. We talked about my marathon. My mom came over to my apartment after. We watched RoTJ properly. Then Force Awakens. It was too late by then to watch TLJ. I know I went straight to bed after my mom left on Saturday night.

Somewhere during or right after TFA I started thinking about Deceive the Deceiver. I don't remember what sparked it. I went to bed thinking about DtD. I know this with 100% certainty because I woke up thinking about again on Sunday and I thought it was quite odd.

I dream about this story in a way I have only dreamt about a precious few. Technicolor folks. It keeps me up at night.

I went to my writing group with (a) no plan for what to write, (b) a gordian knot that I had yet to untangle, (c) a sudden urge to re-read it. I opened my notes and read DtD through all our sprints. I read most of it during that writing session. We go about three hours.

That night I had Game of Thrones at my parent's. It was the (spoiler alert) episode where Arya kills the Night King. I remember because two minutes into the episode my brother's car broken down a few blocks from our apartment and we had to go help him. Derailed the whole night (this is foreshadowing).

Side note: I live with my younger brother and he's the best roommate I've ever had in my 35 years of life. Love you, Mo!

The episode was recording so we ran out. Had to leave the car in a parking lot. Someone had already helped him push it out of a puddle but my brother was soaked to mid-calf and the engine was shot. We dropped him off at home and I rode back to my Momma's crib to watch GoT. It was only the beginning of a wild night.

I went to bed late. I had to get up a few hours early to deal with the car before work started for either of us. I guess we were both hoping to avoid taking the day off. That wasn't going to happen. I drove home but I couldn't sleep. That crazy episode and the fact that my brain was already on fire with DtD.

I spent the wee hours finishing my re-read through the rough draft of Read Between the Lies. It saw my starting place. I started writing. I wrote through waiting in a parking lot, for the tow truck, in my car, at 6 am, with no sleep. I did a voice recording as I drove from the parking lot to the mechanic where the driver was taking my brother's car. I thought about it the whole way back. I sat on the sofa a wrote some more when we got home. I went to bed at 11 am and I'd written 10k more words for Read Between the Lies.

Somewhere between the chaos of May 5th and the official publish date on June 5th, Read Between got written. I know it didn't take too long. I remember sending it off to beta (by my amazing beta team on 1 & 2: Em, Jen, and Sai) and immediately pivoting to my outline. I slapped that together far too hastily and kept moving. I was going on holiday in the UK (I'm American and I'm ashamed) in early August so I planned on trying to publish Part 2 when I got back. At the very least I wanted it ready for beta.

Also some to admit, around the middle of 2019 I was fatigued with the fandom. We were hitting a lull. I was psyching myself up for the end and the exit. I was trying to clean house. I wanted to push out unfinished fics. To make them work. There was a lot of that mood from me in 2019. I was trying to make everything work. It's why Read Between came out, and that was a good thing. It's also why Mistrust came out, and that was a bad thing.

With that mentality looming, tough outline in hand, I started writing Mistrust before the end of May. I hit my snag sometime during the period I was publishing Read Between because by the time it was all done I knew I wasn't going to have a finished story by the time I left for London. I would figure it out when I got back. I picked up another project to distracted me from my problems for a little while. That is going to be an original if it's anything. One day…

At some point after I got back I started focusing heavily on problem solving. I had two stories already and a number of plot threads I had to resolve. I have heavy, heavy, heavy notes from September to December of 2019. Lots of possible ways to run this story. It sucks that a lot of that stuff isn't going to make it, but I'm recycling shit every day and I learned so much about the characters/story in that four month period. It really shaped the finished product in an important way.

This period is where I started to look at the bigger structure and how I was going to solve specific plot problems in each short story to bring the whole together. That focus on the different parts is important because it was the last thing on my mind when TRoS happened.

December 20th (the release date) is my birthday. My ass drove up to one of those Reylo-only screenings and I was surrounded by amazing people as I watched a movie that ruined my 35th birthday. Thankfully, I spent it in incomparable company. Thank you to all the hosts and super special thanks to Jen. Not only was she a DtD beta on both, she invited me. Thank you love! You are the reason I still remember that trip with joy.

Side note: I no longer hate TRoS. I've made my peace with it. I'm a far happier person now.

Needless to say, the only Reyloing I did in January of this year was venting frustration. Then I took a few weeks away from the fandom. I'd done my purging into the void. I knew other people still needed the space to vent but I had to get away. Once the toxin is out I couldn't let it back in.

What occurred starting in February of 2020 was a series of situations in which, every time I logged into Twitter I was faced with the kind of vitriol in the fandom that I don't need in my life. Some of it was still TRoS stuff, even as late as May. I'm not judging, I'm just saying, with the world on fire (literally), I didn't need it.

I don't think I have to explain why I've avoided social media like the plague since early this year. I live in America. If you heard anything about our recent President I don't have to explain any further what this year has been like. That has been par for course all over the world.

So here's my secret to happiness. I don't fux with the trolls. Do not engage. Sometimes that means radio silence. I'm breaking that silence because I want you to know 2020 has not destroyed DtD. It's only leveled shit up.

I have pretty much been working on this story consistently since March of this year. I go back and forth with reading, history, documentaries. I'm learning to wield many new weapons. They take time to settle in. DtD is the de-stressor I go to in between the real shit.

Sometime in June I was screwing around with the order of the parts. I had worked out the end but I was trying to bridge the gap between the ending I was certain I needed to get to and the two beginning stories I'd already published. I couldn't bridge the gap. It had been a year since I published Read Between and it wasn't working. Then I had an epiphany.

What if I got rid of Mistrust? Read Between is a pretty blank slate. I didn't want to re-write it and I still don't. I have no intention of getting rid of Part 1. I may clean it up and add some stuff at the very last minute, but it will be right before the new stuff drops as a pre-cursor to the flood of subsequent stories. I may add a few new clues or alter a scene or two, but I have plenty of room to move with it exactly the way it is.

What does that mean for Mistrust Goes Both Ways? To make a long story short, there was no good way for me to continue with what I'd published and still write the story in my head. I'm sure there are cool places to take the existing story, but that's not what I'm trying to do. In truth, I should have left 1 and not published 2 when I hit a snag. Lesson learned.

In June I basically threw Mistrust out and asked myself, "Now what?" I have months of great ideas rife for reshuffling and no restrictions on how to bridge the gap from 1 to the ending I wanted. But the end had shifted.

That brings us up to speed. The last thing I did before taking a much needed break was get through 90% of the history in my accordion outline/draft. I poured the foundation that was missing. I walked away in early October and let it set. I'm going to button up this other fic I'm working on and then go back to DtD and check the foundation I laid.

I'm very confident that not only will it hold, but that with fresh eyes and the fun side stories I've had the chance to lay to rest, I will finally be able to start building the finished products on top of it.

IN CONCLUSION

I'm still as excited as I've ever been for this story. It frustrates me all the time, but that means the medicine for my soul is working its magic. Change it painful, but pain is transformative. I've embrace changed. That ache is just a sign the muscles are getting stronger. Growing pains. As I learn to live with them in my family, my country, and my job, I find that life's lesson's often end up reflecting in every place in our life if we but open our eyes to look.

Growing pains exist in my writing process too. They are as transformative in this corner of my life as they are in every other. They have revealed as much about me as a person in my writing as they have in my politics. They have taught me how to compromise with my family as I learn to compromise with my characters. As I consider how people treat each other I am reminded that struggles in understanding our fictional counterparts may shine a light on our struggles to understand our truer selves.

Take care of yourselves. Once you've got that covered, if you can, take care of each other. Feel free to poke me and say hi. If not, until next month.

Fari.

[sweetdeathwrites]

You Are The Right One

Pairing: Gokudera Hayato/Reader

Summary: Gokudera knows what you mean to him. But what does he mean to you? 

Warnings: fluff, romance, some sexual situations/suggestiveness (i.e. Gokudera is thirsty), angst

Word Count: 6,929

(Songfic to You Are The Right One by Sports)

(re/cross?posted from my AO3 and Luna! Original A/N below)

(Hi!! I know I've been gone a long time and I'm SORRY!! I've been going through a lot of stuff (I've been in 3 productions since the last time I've posted .. i think it's only 3.. but I've been a NAMED character in 2 out of 3!! the third one doesn't count bc it was a bunch of skits and so strict plot... so i guess that means... i was a named character in BOTH of my productions?~ I just performed in Grease 2 days ago on friday as Jan, my twinkie girl!! I got to eat twinkies on stage!! It was v exciting and I had a blast! some people I know from the hawaii theatre came down to see me and one of my dad's movie friends and they loved me! one of them told my mom i'm going to broadway! haha!!! ^v^ isn't that sweet? I don't think so but that's a lovely hope, isn't it? I'd like to dedicate this fic to someone who means the world to me, the lovely GuardianAngel07! I love you so much and I know that you're going through a lot right now and I just want you to know I'm always here for you, no matter what, and I know that you are busy and have a lot on your mind, and I just want you to know I'm never mad if we don't talk for a while! I think you get a little worried and feel guilty when we don't talk, but that's not it at all! I care for you so much and if your mental health needs you to take a break, then TAKE that break, honey!!!1! I'm always here to support you and I want what's best for you, mentally, physically, and emotionally!! I care for you a whole lot, okay? I'm always in your corner!!! I'm sorry that this fic isn't what I originally planned to gift to you (the original was much sweeter!! and less angsty!!) but this was the one that was most finished and I figured that anything with our lovely KHR boys would help to cheer you up! I hope you like it!!,, Uhm.... I've also got a lot planned! I released a LONG hannibal fic on AO3 and it's not the best bc I started it 2 years ago.yikes... but I'm finally gonna write for it again after a year but I'm going to revamp it (at least fix the grammar!) before I release it here! It's v violent and prolly gonna get really sexual too, so there's a warning, but i'll warn again when I actually post it. to be truthful, I had this almost fully done for months. I just hated it and hated it and hated it. I've been hating my writing a lot recently which isn't good bc I want to finish a book before I graduate and I'm taking an AP english exam on the 16th, so it's awful timing. I haven't been doing the best but I'm looking forward to summer........ only 18 more days left before I'm free.... then I have summer then I'm a senior and ..yikes....;;; but I've got some summer plans! I'm going to cut and dye my hair (I just realized nothing is stopping me from getting a Guzma cut and dye... then I can dye my hair pink!! and any other color after!!!) and I'll visit a friend in alaska, then I'll get a job somewhere.......... i got no college fund........... sorry for dragging on and on!! uhhhh just expect more from me (hopefully soon..... @GuardianAngel07 i hope ur ready for more awful songfics from me.... because i've written some reeeeaaaaallll angsty and sad ones, already with u in mind!! why do you always get the worst of the bunch.......,,,) love u all! and please leave a review if u enjoyed this! I seriously would've stopped posting all together if it wasn't for some incredibly kind people (looking at you, GA07!!) and a recent review for my hannibal fic on AO3 (or rather, reviews. yes, this person left MULTIPLE. very detailed and heartfelt, and I was giddy for days after!! So if you want more, PLEASE leave a review!! it's not fun to post and feel like you're just yelling into a void!! yell back at me!)

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You were the right way I was just waiting for you to look at me Is there a wrong time? Baby, I’m guessing Just let me know He can never get a break, can he? Gokudera sighed, smoke curling past his lips into the chill autumn air. The leaves were just beginning to change color and he cursed how the light cast amber shadows over the smooth plane of your face, cursed how he couldn’t trace the honey light with his fingertips and kiss the darkness away. His tongue clicked against his teeth and he took another drag of his cigarette. Hayato tried to ignore you. He really did. But how can he, when you look as good as you do with a rose-pink blush that covers your cheeks and ears when someone cracks a joke that makes you laugh until you can barely catch your breath? How your jaw drops open in delight before you remember where you are and hide your smile with your hand– something he desperately hoped you would lose the habit of because, god, did you look pretty when you smiled– and blot away the joyful tears in your eyes? How could he not give you his complete, undivided attention when you were as sugar-sweet as you were? His jade eyes flickered back to you again, almost against his will. Your face was bright, eyes glinting in the soft light of the dying afternoon as you teased one of your friends, grinning widely as they swiped playfully at you in return. Gokudera groaned and his head slumped back against the pillar he was leaning against a little too quick, sending an unpleasant shock up his spine. “Shit,” he hissed, stomping out his cigarette on the concrete behind Namimori High and massaging the back of his skull gingerly. What a day. First, Tsuna and Yamamoto had nearly been killed on their way to school again; of course, Gokudera saved both of them, although Yamamoto he saved slightly more reluctantly. Gokudera was strong– of course he was, he wasn’t Tsuna’s right hand for nothing. He just wished he could prove to you that he was strong enough for you, too… Then, that bastard that patrolled the school like some kind of obsessive freak was on his back again. Something about being late for class. Reborn showed up and solved the matter rather quickly, but that didn’t keep Gokudera from steaming out the ears for another hour or so. But the worst part of the day? It was definitely you, without a doubt. You filled his head, turning his thoughts and coherency to cotton in his head and made his mouth as dry as summer. Summer… Gokudera remembered, during lunch period, that you had gone to the beach with him and his friends. You wore a red bathing suit. Red as the fireworks at the summer festival, where he almost told you his feelings but panicked at the last second– but that was a story for another time–and, at one point, clung to his arm to whine about how hot the sun was, and how you were definitely going to get a sunburn. When Gokudera grumbled something back to you about reapplying sunscreen you had winked at him, grinning wide and asking if he wanted to help you with that. By then, there was no doubt in his mind that his milky skin was as red as your bathing suit. From his blushing, dazed haze, you managed to squeeze a frozen lemonade and a plain vanilla ice cream out of him and his wallet. “Share?” you gently cocked your head to one side and held out the icy drink for Gokudera to taste. His mouth was incredibly dry, as it always seemed to be around you– damn you, and damn him for being so weak for you– and he hesitated. You sipped your lemonade languidly and blinked up at him, heavy eyelashes fluttering and all doe-eyed, and his chest clenched in such a way that it brought him agony and ecstasy in equal measure. “Hm?” you hummed, waiting for an answer. He opened his mouth to deny your offer when a heavy stream of melted ice cream rolled down the side of the cone and over your hand. A surprised yelp and a curse left your throat as you hurried to clean the treat off of the cone. When you switched the cone to your other hand to lick the drops of vanilla from your palm, Gokudera’s brain snapped back to being fully functional and he hurriedly agreed to sharing with you. As you complained once again about the heat and the lack of more interesting ice cream flavors at the snack bar, Gokudera thought of how silly he was being for thinking of sharing the ice cream as an indirect kiss– an indirect tongue kiss, more accurately. But more honestly, it was more like the two of you just swapped spit–but that’s not a very pleasant thing to think of, no matter how much he liked you. He wasn’t in middle school anymore; he shouldn’t be so swayed by this! He shouldn’t feel so hot and his heart shouldn’t be beating so fast. A cool ocean breeze swept your hair away from your face as you shook ice chunks in your frozen lemonade, loosening them enough to drink. Gokudera turned his gaze to the clear blue sea, his friends wading in it, and the lazy scrawl of puffy white clouds across the sky and he wondered if he could gather the courage to ask for a sip of the lemonade, too. If he was only going to get an indirect kiss, he wanted a proper one. Slowly coming out of his reverie, Gokudera realized he had been looking at you the whole time. The shade that Namimori cast over him wasn’t enough to cool his embarrassed blush and he hoped you hadn’t noticed. Gokudera nearly jumped out of his skin when something in his pocket buzzed. He fished out his phone– obviously, of course it was his phone. He must be more tired than he thought, to be startled by his own phone. [Baseball Freak] whatcha lookin at? Snapping his head up, Gokudera scanned his surroundings, looking for any sign of Yamamoto. God, how embarrassing to be caught staring at his crush by the person most likely to tease him about it… [Baseball Freak] up here Yamamoto was leaning out of one of the windows of a classroom far above Gokudera’s head, waving at him without a care in the world. It was then that Gokudera remembered why he was waiting outside at all, staring at you so wistfully– Tsuna and Takeshi had to attend an after school remedial session for their poor grades… No matter how many tutoring sessions they both received from Reborn and Hayato and a variety of other eccentric characters that always seemed to appear out of nowhere, they still couldn’t retain anything they learned… especially not math. Shaking his head angrily, the silver haired boy punched out a response to him but his phone buzzed again before he could send it. [Baseball Freak] see something over there u like? I think u do~~~ aren’t they just sooo cute?? >///7///<   Gokudera bit his tongue. How dare Yamamoto say that about you?! It was true, he had to admit, but his pride was hurt from being so easily caught, heart read with such dead-on accuracy that he responded the only way he knew how to. [Me] PISS OFF A rich laugh filled the air above him and only served to spur Gokudera on, cracking his knuckles, clenching his jaw, and wishing he could beat Takeshi into taking what he said back. [Baseball Freak] u know, if u don’t make a move, someone else will………….they’re so pretty and smart and nice!! who wouldn’t want to date them?~ Gokudera’s rage calmed, eerily still. He knew that someone would make a move on you if he didn’t soon. He didn’t miss the way that the boys in the class would offer to carry your bags and would do anything to get just a little closer to you to sling their arms around your shoulders, pretending to show you something in a book, and to breathe in your light perfume. Or the way that girls would bite their lips and giggle when you told a joke and how they would bat their eyelashes and tease you and play with your hair just a little too much for it to be considered strictly friendly. Hayato knew he wasn’t the only person looking to add you to his dating pool and he also knew he wasn’t the best candidate to win your heart. It was a subject that often haunted his brain late at night, a miasma of doubt and self-hatred that cut deep into his heart when no one was there to see him cry. He was too loud, too violent, and too crude for someone like you to fall for. Too dangerous. It didn’t help that Yamamoto was the polar opposite of him– warm, friendly, and kind enough to be anyone’s dream man. And it definitely didn’t help that Yamamoto often wrapped his arm around your shoulders and brought you into his chest when there was nothing else for him to do with his hands. That happened often and made Gokudera more broken hearted than he would ever admit. [Baseball Freak] so? r u gonna say anything to them???? Gokudera had his heart set on you but his brain told him, quite logically, that you would never like someone like him back. Whoever said that it’s better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all was a damn fool. [Me] mind ur business. Up above, there was a sigh loud enough for Gokudera to hear and he knew instantly that he had made the wrong move. He looked up just in time to hear Yamamoto call your name in a sing-songy voice, to see him through weak, orange sun rays, waving cheerfully at you. Gokudera snapped his gaze to you to see your hair bounce with each cute head turn as you looked for the source of the voice. Yamamoto called your name again and Gokudera registered that not only had he used your first name but he added a “-chan” to the end of it– what a double-crossing bastard! You found him and Hayato’s lungs felt tight, but not as a result of his chain-smoking. Your face lit up–your pretty, beautiful, drop-dead gorgeous face– and you yelled back a greeting and swung your arms around wildly back at Takeshi, heels lifting off the ground in delight with your ministrations. Hayato’s gaze flickered back up to Takeshi just in time to see the brunet pointing down at him vigorously. Your sight followed Takeshi’s direction and you locked gazes with Hayato. His breath caught somewhere between his throat and chest and his heart pounded against his ribcage, furiously trying to escape this terribly humiliating situation. Just let me know As soon as you saw him, your eyes widened slightly and you gave him an embarrassed, genuine smile as you tucked a loose strand of hair behind your ear. It was strange; he didn’t think that you had anything to be embarrassed about. You were deathly adorable when excited, even if it was because you were excited to see that baseball idiot. He hoped to whatever higher being that was out there– and he knew something was out there: aliens, at least– that he hadn’t imagined that sweet, pink blush that dusted your cheeks and ears and ran down your neck. He was smiling back at you, equally as shyly, before he knew it. Well, it’s been a long time Since you’ve been lonely So what will I do? You are the right one And I’m just a boy who Is looking at you “Hey, Hayato?” you called. His spine straightened, vertebra by vertebra, at the sound of your voice. You had used his first name– sure, you had been doing it for a while, but still every time you called him so endearingly, it sent hot, smoky electricity up his spine. The way the bed sheets creased under your small body and lazy afternoon sunlight dappled your visage had his head reeling. There you were, lounging and at peace with the world, in his apartment, in his bed. “What?” He didn’t mean to sound so brusque– but then again, he doesn’t mean many of the things he says with his angry disposition. Especially to you. “Why do you turn down everyone that confesses to you? Don’t you want to… well… I don’t know, fool around with someone? I mean, we’re in highschool, this is supposed to be the most reckless time of our lives, right? Why not live a little?” Your head tilted to the side, hair falling into your eyes. His fingers itched to brush it out of your face and your own fingers played with something on your phone. Probably texting, some faceless guy or girl, flirting, playing coy and– “Hayato?” He shivered, loving how his name sounded on your soft lips. “I don’t know, idiot. I’m mean, but not mean enough to do something like that to some kid stupid enough to think they like me.” He settles for brushing his own hair out of his face. You turn over on your stomach, “I guess…” Something about your tone when you say that makes Gokudera narrow his eyes in suspicion. Did something happen to you to make you upset? Why were you bringing up this topic now? Why were you bringing it up to him? “I just think it’s a waste, y’know?” you ran a hand through your hair and locked your phone, placing it to the side. Your eyes slid closed and Hayato realized how close your head was to his lap, how easily he could pet your hair and have you doze off in his embrace. You looked sleepy enough anyway– would a little nap hurt the both of you? “Hayato, don’t you know how handsome you are?” you mumbled dreamily. “You could get anyone you want, anyone, and you chose to sit here and do nothing. Why?” Hayato couldn’t think. His head was full of steel wool and his blood thrummed loudly through him. You called him handsome. You called him handsome. When his breath came back to him in a barely noticeable gasp, he couldn’t filter the words that tumbled out of his mouth. “I can’t.” “What?” your eyes slowly opened and you leaned up on an elbow, looking quizzically up at him. “I can’t get anyone I want.” “Why not?” His lungs filled shallowly and he turned his face away from you, focusing on the empty street below, through his room’s window. The sun cast golden light and deep, lavender shadows across the world and Hayato knew that if he looked at you right now, everything would go to shit. He’d see your face; all the perfections and beautiful flaws and you would see through him as if he were glass blown, see how desperate he was for you and how his insides were twisting and trembling in fear and reverence, in equal measure, of your power over him. You would recoil, disgust drawn over your lovely face in terribly sharp lines and you would see how his heart would break over and over again. “Sometimes you just can’t.” Your lips curled into a frown and his brows furrowed; he could tell that much by your silence. Unsatisfied with his answer, you huffed and threw yourself back down on the bed, the crown of your head knocking against his thigh. Your hair splayed out around your face, angelic, and Hayato was lucky that your eyes had once again shut to accept the call of the dream world, because if they hadn’t, you would’ve seen how absolutely helpless he looked, gazing at you. So what will I do? His tongue darted out to smooth over his dry lower lip and he felt the faint sting of the thin skin there– cracked. He tasted iron and swallowed thickly. Gokudera wished he was closer to you, so much closer to you than he was, but he was doubtful his heart would be able to handle that. Your breathing started to slow and Hayato found his hand smoothing over your soft hair and you jolted violently, startling the both of you. You stared up at him, eyes full of stars and planets far away, and he laughed airily. He shook his head, silently telling you, No, don’t wake up just yet, everything’s fine. You accepted this without question and closed your eyes again. This time, Hayato gently slid his hands under your head and guided you towards his lap. He arranged himself comfortably on an array of flattened pillows and stroked your hair as you lay, safe and happy in his lap. A single eye peeked at him– slyly, cat-like– before you hummed and shifted closer to him. A contented sigh slipped through Hayato’s lips and he himself started to feel drowsy. In his dreamy stupor, his hand trailed down your face, down your neck, and down, down your arm until he had your fingers gently entwined with his. Sure, it may have just been an unconscious reaction, but the way your hand squeezed his back made his dreams lovely and surreal and hallucinatory, in all the best ways. I tried the wrong way I was guessing Biding my time You are the only One I can picture By my side “Gokudera, what’s up?” Takeshi nodded at the silver-haired bomber as he approached, strangely insightful today with his clear, milk chocolate eyes. The boy in question merely grumbled vaguely, hands shoved deep in his pockets, as if he was fishing for the answer to Yamamoto’s question down there as well. “That bad, huh?” Gokudera rolled his eyes. It wasn’t rare for him and Yamamoto to arrive at Tsuna’s house before the young mafia boss could flee from it, already anxious and sweaty. Today was no different. “Hey, at least you tried, right?” Yamamoto offered a weak smile, knowing how much you meant to Gokudera. His shoulders were hiked up to his ears and Takeshi didn't miss how the hot, red ring on Gokudera’s cigarette quickly crawled down to the filter before he was tapping out another from his near-empty box and sucking on the new cigarette, lighting it with the dying butt of the used one. He tossed the old one down and ground it into the asphalt. Takeshi frowned. The baseball star shifted the bag on his shoulder uncomfortably, his bats for after school practice clinking metallically. “ … I didn't.” Gokudera kept his gaze locked on a lamp post down the block. Takeshi blinked, not expecting a response from Gokudera’s sunken frame. “What?” “I didn't try.” It took Takeshi a moment to understand what Gokudera meant before grimacing with a little more than a dash of friendly pity in his eyes. He shifted his weight from his hip, seeking to comfort Gokudera, but decided against it at the last moment. “Why?” his voice came out in a gentle rasp. Gokudera still refused to look at him, green eyes clouded and trained on a particularly colorful poster on that singular lamp post. Seconds ticked by before Hayato groaned and dragged a hand down his face, pinching his cigarette in frustration with his other hand. “I can’t! I just can’t. I know they don’t feel the same and I know I’ll break if they have to say it to my face. I can’t handle that. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to handle that. God, Yamamoto, I just can’t take that chance.” Being around them is– it’s just too much and too little for me to take– I’m going crazy here, driving myself in circles and spinning out, spinning my goddamn wheels because of them. It’s fuckin’ sickening but I don’t want a cure. I feel so helpless and I hate it, I never want to feel this way again. What the hell did I do to deserve this?” Gokudera’s eyes snapped shut, face contorted in agony. “I can’t tell them. I can’t. I want them to be happy. It’s better this way anyway. I’m not good enough.” Gokudera’s voice cracked on his last word before his declaration faded into the morning’s stillness. Yamamoto was insulted– his best friend talking about himself this way? Not in a million years, if he had any say in it– but Gokudera snapped at him before he could get a word in. “And don’t say shit about me being good enough, because we both know I’m not good enough for them. I’ll never be good enough, Yamamoto, that’s not me. I wouldn’t be able to hold them as much as I should, to kiss their gorgeous fucking face– I wouldn’t be able to be fucking honest, Takeshi. They deserve more than the bullshit excuses I’d spew to cover our fucking asses when we get the crap kicked out of us on a bi-weekly basis. They don’t deserve that.” Silence weighed like velvet over the two of them and the sun was now calling out songbirds, sleepy murmurs from the neighborhood beginning to wake from the heavy slumber of the night. Yamamoto didn’t know what to say anymore and Gokudera put the cigarette back where it belonged: between his lips, funneling poison straight to his lungs. “ … I don’t think it’s like that, Hayato. You’re being too harsh on yourself. I really don’t think they feel that way about you.” Hayato said nothing and kept his eyes glued to that single poster again. Yamamoto reached out and awkwardly patted his shoulder, mustering as much comfort as he could before he knew he would overstay his welcome. Hayato needed time to clear his head. “ … I’ll go inside to check up on Tsuna. Come inside soon, alright?” The response that didn’t meet him was enough to know Gokudera wouldn’t get better as quick as that. Takeshi sighed in sorrowful compassion before slowly making his way to Tsuna’s front door, carefully piecing together his cheerful mask yet again. The door shut quietly, and voices and vague, worrisome sounds came from within. Gokudera raised his hand to scrub furiously at his misty eyes, his bracelets clinking together and rings scraping his face and leaving thin, red lines around his eyes. He leaned back against the wall around his best friend’s house and his head banged against the concrete, painful and painfully familiar to something that had happened recently, involving you. “Fuck,” he hissed into the empty street. Class was boring, as it always was. There was nothing that could entertain him that was in Namimori’s curriculum. Tsuna managed to convince Gokudera to take college classes too, so that his development wouldn’t stall (and also because Gokudera being bored meant a bit more trouble for Tsuna, but he was genuinely concerned about Gokudera’s personal growth). But even those classes were much too easy for him. Something that wasn’t easy? Seeing you every damn day and not being able to do a thing about it. Getting closer, getting further, cutting you off completely– he couldn’t bring himself to do any of those. Gokudera tapped the eraser end of his pencil against his desk and sighed, staring out the classroom window into the clear blue sky. He couldn’t wait for summer again but, boy, did he like seeing you all bundled up in wool and cashmere and simply drowning in soft fabrics and cozy patterns. You were so cute with your nose red from the cold, lips burning pink from being bitten so much– he wouldn’t admit it to anyone, no, he would take this to his grave– but what he wouldn’t give to be the one to bite your lips instead, to hear you whimper and moan, just for him, and– A small collision with the side of his head brought him out of his daydreams. Curious and annoyed, Hayato brought a hand up to his hair and picked out a crumpled wad of paper. Who the hell had the balls to throw shit at him? He was still the scariest guy in Namimori (and no, Hibari doesn’t count, either). If anything, he should be terrorizing the rest of the class. Taking a less than subtle glance around the room, he caught your eyes staring at him eagerly. Taking a moment to compose himself, he averted his gaze to your note instead. Of course it was you that threw it at him. Who else? Wanna go to a bakery after school? Kyoko-chan was talking about it earlier and I can’t get it out of my head… I’ll pay if u want!! I want cake~~~ Hayato didn’t hold back the happy grin that spread over his face, sparing a glance at you, impatiently waiting for his reply, before scribbling something in his mostly neat penmanship under your barely legible chicken scratch. No need to pay. But yeah, that sounds p cool. Meet me right after school at the front gates? The teacher still had his back turned to the class, writing something that Gokudera already knew on the blackboard, droning on and on about logs and bases and inverses and irrational numbers or something equally useless. He knocked his hand back and threw from the shoulder, the small, now neatly folded note landing in the middle of your desk. You snatched it up quickly, hiding it just in time for the teacher to turn around and call on one of your classmates to answer a question. Gokudera couldn’t see you unfold the note but your arms were moving under the desk and you grabbed a pencil off the desk too. Gokudera remembered that pencil; it was thin, cute, and pink– with a brown bear on top. The bear held a red heart and its nose was in the same cute shape. There were patterns of hearts and stars in red and yellow and white, and Gokudera knew all of this because Kyoko had helped him pick it out to give it to you for your birthday. He thought giving you a gift with so many hearts was a bit forward– tactless, even– but Kyoko gave him a stern look and told him that nothing he could do would be forward enough when it came to you and, spluttering and flushed, he tried to deny his affections for you but only ended up confessing how he felt about you to Kyoko. Smiling gently like the angel she is, Kyoko let him talk her ear off about you for nearly an hour and a half. She earned a milkshake and a slice of strawberry cake for her bravery. You spun in your chair, clutching the edge of it in your small hand, and flicked the paper back to him. The message was a little more timid, he noticed. actually, can we meet on the roof after school?.. I have something I want to talk to u about, but it shouldn’t take long… We can go straight to the bakery if u don’t want to, tho!!!!! ^v^;; Gokudera recognized how you were trying to hide something from him with your overwhelming facade of consideration. Whenever you felt insecure about something, you always spent time making sure other people felt more comfortable and happy than you were, as if that would make you feel better yourself. A frown carried over his pale face and when he looked up, you were staring at him again. This time, you seemed to have carefully examined his face and your brows were furrowed. As soon as you met his eyes, you jumped, shaking your head and waving your hands to tell him, Don’t mind me, it’s nothing. Gokudera was just about to pen down a reply when the teacher turned around again and began talking to the class, not looking like he was going to turn his back on Gokudera any time soon. Hayato caught your eyes with his green ones and nodded quickly, mouthing ‘I’ll be there.’ Lunch was as it normally was. That is, filled with shouts and explosions and general chaos. However, this lunch period was noisier than it previously had been; a fact that only would have been noticed by the people present if they paid very careful attention to their volume. Gokudera noticed. Damn right, he noticed. Sure, you usually sat next to Takeshi. Sure, you had a habit of clinging to him as you laughed and whispering in his ear. And sure, sometimes you would call him Take-chan as you fed him bits of your own bentou– a fact that pissed Gokudera off endlessly. But what was different? Today you were nestled in Yamamoto’s side, tucked neatly away under his arm which alternated from wrapping around your shoulders to hold you to him and pulling you in by your waist to bring you nearly onto his lap. It stung Gokudera something awful. Watching the two of you laugh and whisper to each other felt like you had run Hayato’s heart over shrapnel and soothed his wounds with lemon and salt. He averted his jealous, but startlingly gentle gaze from you to the sky above you, willing tears not to come and cursing himself for feeling this way about you. “Hey, Take-chan!” You tugged on his shirt, the fabric over his chest, to bring his attention back to you. “Hmm?” You stole a glance at Gokudera and whispered giddily into Yamamoto’s ear. When you’re finished, Yamamoto made a sound that can only be described as pure elation, and he tugged you in even closer, tickling you in the process. You laughed and shrieked at him to stop and he only did so when you’re nearly in tears. Tsuna is having a muted conversation with Gokudera and he is trying to pay attention– honest– Gokudera is trying so goddamn hard, but it’s next to impossible when a grass-green snake hisses low in his belly over you writhing and laughing so happily in Takeshi’s lap. Yamamoto whispered hotly back into your ear and Gokudera sees something he wished he would never see from the two of you: you, with a hot blush crawling up your neck and Takeshi with his face practically in the crook of it, grinning all pearly white and eyes staring at you with such fucking dedicated tunnel vision. Gokudera wasn’t hungry anymore. Lunch ended and you gave Yamamoto one last quick hug before cleaning up your trash and putting everything away that you wanted to keep. Gokudera was slower than normal, taking all the time in the world and then some to get ready for class again. The door to the roof clanged shut and Gokudera let out a heavy sigh, eyes closed and trying to feel everything that he could– everything except his feelings, that is. He relished the cool breath of wind that blew against his face, tossing his hair around and whistling softly to him. He took account of the ground beneath him, hard and sturdy, and the sounds of teenagers filtering back into the school, complaining about their classes and each other. The one thing he didn’t hear–not until it was too late– was you. “Hayato?” you tugged on the back of his shirt, scaring him witless. He yelped like a kicked puppy and spun around to face you, composure long lost. He tried to say something but nothing left his lips; nothing coherent, at least. The hand that grasped his shirt didn’t cease touching him. It got even closer than before as you took a step, and then another, into his personal space. The height difference between you was just too much for him to handle and Gokudera felt himself simultaneously trying to pale and flush, unsure which won over in the end. Your hand slid along his waist, his side, and up his chest lightly. The smile that took root on your face was weak and bashful, even– and you bumped your forehead on his chest before you looked back up at him, an emotion he didn’t recognize dancing in your eyes. “Don’t forget, we’re meeting here after school, Hayato. You wouldn’t want to keep me waiting, would you?” Your finger tapped his chest teasingly, adding another beat to his pulse and he felt fire crawl up the base of spine at your nail scraping through his shirt. You blinked curiously up at him and his voice whispered to you, hoarse and against his will, “No, I wouldn’t.” Satisfied with that, you made sure that he had everything he had brought up to the roof with him, promptly forced him to offer his elbow to you, and curled yourself happily over his arm before leading the both of you down the stairs to finish the rest of the day’s lessons. The roof was empty except for Gokudera. As soon as school was over, he bid Tsuna and Yamamoto goodbye, telling them not to wait up for him. Yamamoto had a big, stupid grin on his face– But when does he not? Gokudera rationalized. There was something about that smile that showed that he knew more than he let on but Gokudera was much too preoccupied with thoughts of you to care. He leaned against the rails, not trusting it to hold him, careful not to put too much weight on it. He took a steadying breath. Breathe. It’s fine. Nothing’s wrong. But no matter what he told himself to stop the rapid, staccato drumming in his chest, his anxieties were not relieved in the slightest. He was afraid– god, how he was afraid. What did you want to talk to him about? Did you not want to be friends anymore? Did you grow tired of him? Did… Did you want to tell him you were dating Takeshi? “Hayato?” oh fuck Gokudera jumped. The amount of times you scared him witless was embarrassingly high. “Hey.” You smiled slightly. “Hey.” Something about you was different. Something was… off. The way your eyes drifted from him every other second before coming back to his concerned gaze was unusual, but even more unusual was the way your hands fidgeted behind your back. “So,” Hayato tried to get the words to come out. The light breeze that tossed your hair around your face in a halo didn’t help much, but he appreciated it anyway. “What’d you wanna talk about? I’m hungry as fuck.” It slipped out– Hayato’s cursing habit hijacked his mouth, nerves making him go on autopilot. At least you took it well; your eyes glinted in amusement and some of the tension between the two of you dissipated. A pink tongue darted out to soothe your dry lips and Hayato was a little too aware of it. “I’ve been meaning to tell you something for a while, but I just didn’t know how to tell you– it’s a bit… embarrassing, so don’t make fun of me, okay?” Your mouth was set in a firm line, eyes pleading and vulnerable. “Sure.” That wasn’t the reply you wanted but it was what it was. By my side “I…” you began, then lost the words you had planned. “You?..” Gokudera offered. He wasn’t sure he was ready for what you wanted to tell him or what it entailed, but he was sure that if it meant your happiness, he would do anything at all to keep you smiling. “It’s just that… You know, I–” you fumble over your words, frustration visible on your face. Gokudera scolded himself for thinking of you in this way when you so clearly don’t want him but he can’t help it. He’s worried over your affect on him before, but he never considered how weak he is to you or how strong your natural beauty is under the glow of a late afternoon and the crinkle of your brow with your courageous efforts… courageous efforts that you try to spell out but they fail, perched above your tongue. Your soft hands come down in frustration upon the hem of your shirt and you try again, slip again, and Gokudera is privy to the realization that this isn’t something he should take lightly any longer, no matter how much it calms his nerves or keeps him from facing the possible reality of him losing you. He leans forward to grasp your hands from distressing your shirt, to keep you from distressing yourself, with full knowledge that this moment could be the end of you allowing him to be graced with your presence. Hayato decided that your momentary comfort before unleashing hell on him was worth more than a thousand lifetimes of you by his side in the masquerade mask of lukewarm passion if you backed down from rejecting him now. “Hey, hey, what’s wrong?” And he touched you and nearly recoiled when your face whipped up to meet his, nearly let go of you because your skin was hot as forged iron and nearly as red. He tried to let go but you wouldn’t stand for it, as you used his hands over your shoulders as leverage to place your palms, clammy and shaking, over his smooth cheekbones and bring his face down to yours. Hayato’s eyes were wide as he met your lips, glossed and smooth and clearly prepped for this specific moment, specific kiss, specifically with him and he could have withered away in embarrassment of his rough mouth and nicotine lungs if it weren’t for how warm you were against him and how securely you held him, despite how insecure you had been seconds prior. Gokudera barely has the brains left to close his eyes on the skyline of Namimori but when he does he sees stars and he kisses you back and there’s a scrape of his teeth against your bottom lip and you shiver and he groans into you and now he’s just as red, if not redder, than you are. A slick noise of separation, then the both of you don’t know how to deal with the awkward intimacy of it, or what to do with your hands, but Hayato managed to gather enough sense– or maybe he’s running on what he’s fantasized on doing after your first kiss together and is on a daydream-guided autopilot– and he brings you into a tight hug and buried his head into your wild hair. You laugh into his chest and when he tried to bring you out to ask you why, you clung to his wrinkled white shirt even more and blindly found his hands, tangled with his bracelets and rings, then laced your fingers soundly with his. Gokudera can hardly believe the kiss happened, can believe he’s still alive even less, but he’s sure you can hear the quickened palpitations of his heart and that notion does no good for his health either. You’re an absolute dream and Gokudera is ready and happy to die right there, but you pull away from him, hands still interwoven, and smile so beautifully that he is sure that angels exist and you’re the vision of seraphim, disguised as human so barely that if you were anymore angelic he would surely fall dead where he stood, kiss-dizzy and sweetly dazed. From his dazed mouth, stupidity falls out. “So what was it that you had to tell me?” You laugh and press a kiss– more confidently this time– to his collarbone. At his affirmative, stuttered, elated hum, you press another and another, up his neck and jawline and chin until you reach his lips again and he kisses you back with adoration and love and his still evolving understanding of your feelings for him. “I’m not sure how to say it any clearer,” you said with a laugh that rang like the church bells that sounded in Gokudera’s head as clearly as he imaged they would on your wedding day, as he pressed his own kisses all over your face and held you close with the intention of treasuring you as long as he had a pulse and then some. “Hayato, I really, really like you.” And that was the day that Gokudera Hayato had come to face the reality, one that he had long accepted, that he loved you more than anything and you felt the same, but most importantly, that you were the right one for him. And that he was the right one for you.

[big-bad-shorty-king]

Danger Days Master Post

Happy March 22nd! I’m running a Danger Days based table top using the Atomic Highway system so I had to do a lot of research to figure out slang and world stuff! You may or may not have remembered me teasing this back in January (which was suppose to be out by the end of Jan but life sucks  so lets dance but it’s better late than never!) I did a fuck ton of research for a game right now, so ill turn my hyper-fixation into a helpful guide for anyone hoping to write some fan fiction! 

LOCATIONS

So locations are a little weird in this universe, we dont actually know the exact locations of places but we have a general idea about some. 

Battery City

Zones (1-6 if during the music videos, 1-7 if set after the videos, Zone 7 was established after the videos and before the comics)

The Dinner - Fab 4 hide out

Wolfblood Beach, likely somewhere in Zone 1 close to Battery City since people are allowed to go there. 

Neon District, either in Zone 1 or in Battery City

Mega Moon's Throttle bar, full of Wave-Head’s, likely somewhere deep into the zones

Hyper-Thrusts, some sort of store, carry “dust mouth” 

Fuck You House, concert venu

Route Guano, highway,  Kobra Kid and Jet Star are killed here in the album

Zone 55 - Brazil

Mega Moon’s Throttle Bar - Full of wave-heads

The Lobby - Slums of Battery City

The Nest - Ultra V’s hide out

DESTROYA is located here

Mailbox Shrine - Alter to dead

Phoenix Witch guides souls of masks here

Letters reach loved ones

B.L.I Headquaters

Gas n’ Gulp = Dr. D’s - radio station

L.A. Crater

Cherrri’s Home - Artifacts of Fab 4 located here

Gravel Gertle’s Orphanage

Zone 5 Carnival

Zone 3 Crater

The Tube - Battery city, reprograming

Zone 55 - Brazil

Retinal Resorts - BLI owned, “everyone is famous”

Slang

Oh boy is this a long one, let me know if I missed anything

Moterbabies- Kids on the run, survivors 

Ghosted - Dead, killed

Bonus track - Look attractive

Crash Queen - Daredevil

Slaughtermatic - Loud, crazy (sound)

Microbursts - Small stuff

Dracs - Draculoids

Crows - S/C/A/R/E/C/R/O/W/

Exterminators - Highest level Dracs/S/A/R/E/C/R/O/W/

Dusted - Killed

Ritalin rats - Drug addicts

Wave-Heads - Radiation addicts 

Shiny - Awesome

Clap - Fight

Fire fight - Fight with ray guns

Pig - Scarecrow operatives/poliece

Upthursts - Turn up

Tumbleweed - Person who wanders desert

Zaps - Laser blaster

Zone Rat - Lives in zones

Zonerunner/Zonehopper - Spends time in Zones

Costa Rica - Crazy or bad

Dust Angel - Zone runner

411- Info/update

Getaway Mile - Route Guano

BLI(/ind) - Better Living Industries

Flies - Tiny spy cameras

Carbons - Money

Hit the Red Line - Running away, usually going as fast as a car can go

The Individual - Ray gun

Rubberburner - Goes so fast it destroys tires 

Graffiti Bible - Droid holy scripture

Radical tubes - Probably drugs? 

Plus - Battery replenisher, addictive

Power Pup - Dog food, killjoys eat this

C.A.T. - Surveillance device, looks like an actual cat

Droids 

Have emotions

Can become absolute 

Turned to satellites

DESTROYA = God

Graffiti Bible

Types

Blue, 50 Carbons, Loving

Yellow, 150 Carbons, Passive

Orange, 250 Carbons, Aggressive

Purple, 500 Carbons, Fiesty

Green, 750 Carbons, Soothing

Red, 1000 Carbons, Fiery

Supernatural/Religious Figures

DESTROYA - God-like machine

Foretold to free droids in Graffiti Bible

Abandoned experiment by BLI

“Too large to manage”

Phoenix Witch

Representation of death

Zones divided on belief

Is real

Takes care of the dead through offerings of anything “close to the soul,” usually a mask, and guides a dead person to the proper destination (afterlife)

Collects from Mailbox Shrine and battlefields

History

The history is really weird and murky and can kinda change depending on the medium used, i did my best to piece this together in the most coherent way possible 

Creation of BL/ind

Great fires of 2012

Rise of Bl/ind

Helium Wars - Texas destroyed

Analog Wars (2014-2015)

Dr. D lost legs

The Girl’s mother is killed

Pig Bomb (2017)

Events of videos (2019)

Events of comics (2029)

Battle of Utah (Unknown when it happened, so it can be placed wherever)

Brands/Logos

Clown logo (we know literally nothing about this)

Skull logo (we know literally nothing about this)

Cosmic Thrust - Sells “zone-tested radical tubes” 

Dead Pegasus - Oil company

Electrokat - Likely sells batteries

Supa Stinga Exploders - Explosives

Mousekat - Cartoon from Batter City

Dr. Phizzles’s - Hair dye

Spider - Symbol for Fab 4

Better Living Logo

SCARECROW unit

Better Living Industries

Corporation, evil

Runs Battery City

Came into power bc of Great Fires of 2012

Monochromaticism

Employees 

Draculoids

Masks sucks souls out

Lowest ranked - Rayguns

Eliminate threats

S/C/R/E/C/R/O/W/S

Highest ranked (Exterminator)

Eliminate threats

More advanced ray guns

Leader - The Director

Fact News - News program

Slogans 

“The Aftermath is secondary”

“Everything is perfect”

“Keep smiling”

Products 

Plus - Battery replenisher, addictive

Power Pup - Dog food, killjoys eat this

Air fresheners

Medication of the Month Club

C.A.T. - Surveillance device, looks like an actual cat

BL/ind Vending Machines

Fangs, 8 Carbons

KJ Replica Mask, 4 Carbons

Frankuloid Fun Toy, (Fun Ghoul’s mask but a toy), 10 Carbons

Motivational sticker, 2 Carbons

BLI-Sanctioned Raygun (the individual) - 50 Carbons

Cartoon Animal Stress Head, (Mousekat head), 20 Carbons

Plus, 80 Carbons

Yum-Duck Candies. 5 Carbons

Ammo, ?? Carbons

H20, ?? Carbons

Weapons, Devices & Other Items

Power Glove - Button activated

Used by Kobra Kid

Melee

Modified NES Power Glove

Ray Gun - Lasers

Ranged

White = Draculoids

Colorful = Killjoys

Modified NES Zapper

MP5 - Advanced lasers

Ranged

Used by S/C/A/R/E/C/R/O/W/S

Vend-A-Hack

Hacking device

Known to work on vending machines

Based on original model GBA

Flies - Tiny spy cameras

C.A.T. - Surveillance device 

Looks like a cat 

Sends messages to BL/ind

PTTP - Portable TV

1979-81 Pontiac Firebird Trans Am. - Fab 4′s car, 

Boombox

Holo-Phone

Inner-Internet

Dr.Phizzles’s Poison Red - Hair dye

Magazines 

Shiny - Robot p()rn 

Murder

Modern Exterminator

Blasters and Batteries

Radio Stations

WK’L 109 FMX

Host = Dr. D

JUNKPUNK

Host Benjamin Cyanide

Bands

Mad Gear and the Missile Kid

Massive/Awesome

Cold Dead Hands

BONUS! 

Here’s a quick naming table I made for my game, it requires a D-20 to use! 

[silyabeeodess]

FusionFall Writing Prompts: Jan. 2020, Prompt #1, pt. 2

((First part here: https://silyabeeodess.tumblr.com/post/190415137664/fusionfall-writing-prompts-jan-2020-prompt-1 ))

The instant the crown touched her head, everything went black.  And then it turned green.

Even with the warnings, Silya wasn’t fully braced for the visions that clouded her mind.  It felt like she was drowning.  It poured into her lungs, flooded her veins, and soaked into every fiber of her body. It devoured everything she was until she couldn’t recognize herself anymore—just a drop lost to a sea of fusion matter.  

Then came the voices. For a while, she couldn’t make any sense of them: It was just a whirlpool of chaotic sound.  Bit by bit though, she was able to grasp onto a few strings of dialogue:

“…creatures in Ooo are stronger than we thought.  Do we…”

“…still think they can put up a…”

“…fight until all that’s left are smears of erin and crimson…”

None of it was directed at her, much to her relief: It didn’t seem like whoever or whatever was speaking didn’t notice her listening in on the complicated network.  She didn’t have to try to keep silent either, her mind was assaulted by so many visions and noise all at once that much of any thought of her own was instantly drowned out.  It hurt, but she tried to focus.

She saw rolling hills dotted by sporadic, newly sprouting terrafusers, the grasses surrounding them curling with decay as the infection started taking over the land.  Somewhere else, she could see from a monster’s eyes, attacking her own people with a wide gash from a blade sliced across her hip.  In another place, she spotted a shadow looming overhead, a hand waving over an army in command to charge.

“…the Lord wishes…”

“…he wants…”

“…put an end to their forces before we…”

These weren’t her orders, but the voices were all consuming.  She fought them, tried to brush past them to grasp on a single strand of thought, demanded that she find just one useful piece of information in the mess.

But then someone yanked the crown off before she could.  The young woman hadn’t realized that she’d been holding her breath until a rush of clean air filled her lungs.  She fists were drawn tightly against the arms of the chair, her gaze focused on the ground to steady herself as her mind caught up with her body.  Where was she again?  Was this real?  Was this right?  

There it was: The hard grey of the basement floor.  The soft details of her winter gear and the firm cushion of the seat under her.  A cold sweat trailing down her neck and her own heart hammering in her chest.  She was herself again.

“Did you see anything?”

It was the commander. It took her a second, but Silya realized that was the second time he’d asked her that.  She still hesitated to answer, looking around for her nanos first. Just like when she’d left them, they were waiting for her at the ready—their faces etched with worry.  She tried to offer them a smile like before, but it appeared more tired this time.  She mouthed the word, ‘easy,’ because she still didn’t have the strength to speak just yet.

“Silya, did you see anything?”

Someone cleared her of any fusion matter exposure.  And she was sound enough that they started removing the cords at her wrists.  They ached.  She rubbed them, wondering if she’d fought against the bindings while she was out of it.  The commander placed a hand on her shoulder and squeezed it.  She blinked up at him, fighting to remember.  

At last she sighed, “There’s too much…” then looked away again, “It’s kind of amazing, actually… There was so much going on, but it’s like you can’t grab on to any of it.”

She could barely remember. It was all a mess, but without the crown everything she’d witnessed now only seemed like noises and shapes.  And green.  She didn’t like admitting it, but it scared her—to the point that she quickly ran through all of her personal knowledge in her head to test herself.  She took another deep breath: Everything seemed right.

One of the scientists idled over to her, a tablet in hand as he skimmed over her files, asking herself some of the same questions she already did: Her name, her age, what division was she with, where did she work, and so on.  They had her nanos double-check some of her answers.  Everything checked out, besides the lack of information she had on what she’d just gone through.  It was standard though, no different than what most reportedly experienced after heavy exposure to fusion matter.  Although the crown didn’t radiate the stuff, it apparently had similar enough effects.

They asked her if she wanted it back.  She didn’t. At all.  That was enough to relieve some of their fears for the moment.

After locking it away, the commander paced the room.  The sound of typing clicked around them as the scientists recorded all that had happened. After a minute, the commander finally looked toward her again, “Thank you for trying, anyway.  We might call you back to run another test, but for now let’s just make sure that there are no prolonged effects.  I’ll contact Dexlabs to let them know how today’s test went. I want you to report back if you remember anything or if any visions come to you on their own.”

She nodded, standing up and casting a glance at her nanos, “Think you guys can help keep an eye on me for the next few days?  If I start spacing out, I want you to call me out on it.”

Her Four Arms nano crossed his arms over his chest, shedding some of the tension that remained in his somewhat nervous grin, “When don’t we keep an eye out for you?  If you start acting funny—funnier than usual, anyway—we’ll be here to shake some sense back into you.”

“Good idea,” the commander nodded, “You’re sharing quarters with the other soldiers, right?  I know you take on primarily solo missions, but it’ll be good to stay around other people for a time, just in case something happens.”

If something happens: The polite way to say ‘if she did manage to go insane.’  She grabbed her things, “I don’t plan on leaving the Spire for a while anyway.  I’m signed-on here until the Ice King is sent back and everything’s melted.”

After that, who knew where she’d be reassigned.  If she kept going through with these tests, she probably wouldn’t be able to go back to the Darklands anytime soon.  Who knew when Dexter would call her in for her work as a research participant: He was neck-deep in the nano project at the time.  Maybe this was her chance to take a small break from fighting fusions, or at least just find an easier post somewhere for a while.

She saw herself out, flattening her hair and bundling up her hood before going back to the cold of the outside world.  Her nanos briefly followed before zipping back into the chips at her belt, leaving her alone with her thoughts.  There were still a lot of people around. If the fusion’s crown did have lasting effects, there were plenty of witnesses to catch her.

Necessary as it was, she hoped they didn’t call her back in for more tests.  She risked fusion matter exposure on a daily basis, but it was another thing to try to dive right into Fuse’s hivemind.  And if that was just a glimpse of it, then she couldn’t be happier to scrub the stuff off the face the Earth.

[mg-028]

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Longest Tag: 126 characters

#then in the summer after middle school before high school they got rid of the home ec teachers and allllll the home ec classes

My Top Posts in 2021

#5

I know I’m late to the party but the CW making a Powerpuff Girls show where they’re all older gives me “person aging up child characters so they can draw/write them into sex scenes“ vibes, except this time it’s a major TV channel (specifically The CW, creator of Riverdale) doing it and not a random person

7 notes • Posted 2021-04-26 15:47:58 GMT

#4

Ted Lasso season 2 ended and there’s only one more season left.  I’ve been thinking about what will happen with Nate so here’s my theory...

Nate/Rupert’s team will do better than Ted/Rebecca’s team at first.  This will make the former two more confident and happy and get the latter two especially down.  Eventually, Richmond will win against Rupert’s team which will piss him off.  As Ted and the team are cheering, it will show Rupert and Nate angry about the loss.  In an outburst, we’ll find out that Rupert didn’t hire Nate because he thinks he’s a good coach, but specifically to make Ted and Rebecca angry, similar to how Rebecca hired Ted in season 1 to get revenge on Rupert.  Considering Nate was all “I worked to get where I am, I deserve this” at the end of season 2, this will turn his world upside down and only then may he show some more character development or something of a redemption arc. 

I don’t know if they’ll make Nate a good coach on his own, or if he’ll be portrayed as not knowing what he’s doing on his own.  But I could see the writers having him realize he did best on a team with Beard, Ted, and Roy.

But yeah, maybe he’ll do great and Rupert’s team will dominate over Richmond.  Maybe Nate will do poorly on his own due to his own overconfidence.  But either way my bet is the plot will be similar to season 1 with Rebecca not hiring Ted because of his skill but to piss off her ex, which will break Nate’s confidence and then he may try coming back to Richmond.

16 notes • Posted 2021-10-09 00:15:09 GMT

#3

My theory for the Only Murders in the Building final episode…

In the first episode Mabel is shown near someone who looks like they just got stabbed. They’re wearing a tie dye hoodie. I think this will either be a cliff hanger ending or somewhere in the beginning/early middle of the episode.

In another earlier episode, Tina Fey‘s character is doing an Only Murderers in the Building podcast, so I think she may be referring to Mabel being convicted of stabbing tie dye person (we don’t know what happens to Mabel but there were those behind the scene pics of Selena Gomez/Mabel being lead away by police, in the bloody outfit that got posted a while back). So season 2 could be about clearing Mabel’s name but personally I think that will happen in the finale.

Anyway, my money is on this not being a cliff hanger - I think Charles will try to leave quietly after Jan’s show (instead of confronting her, since he’s nervous - hence the bloody nose). She’ll see him leave and be upset that he knows she lied about being first chair (side note, if Jan isn’t Tim’s killer then I think she lied out of embarrassment). Charles will go back to talk to Mabel and Oliver and meet up with the latter, who will tell him about Tim’s bassoon cleaning thing and Charles will tell Oliver about the show. That’s when the fire alarm will go off and they’ll go to find Mabel, and now we’re back at the scene of Mabel being hunched over the body.

I think, during this time, Jan will have gone to stab Charles. She’ll stab someone similar looking in a tie dye merch hoodie - Sazz. Sazz would probably just try on the merch without paying lol. That’s when Mabel finds Sazz. Plus, the tie dye person was stabbed in the same spot as Jan. It ends with Charles and Oliver having to prove it was Jan and therefore clearing Mabel’s name.

(Alternatively, maybe Sazz, Mabel, Oliver, and Charles set a trap for Jan. Sazz pretends to get stabbed, she is a stunt actir after all, and the police woman pretends to arrest Mabel. Though not sure how this would get a confession).

23 notes • Posted 2021-10-13 21:42:28 GMT

#2

Daisy not being in the Mario movie is a CRIME but congrats to her for not being involved in this upcoming trainwreck!! !

31 notes • Posted 2021-09-24 13:47:32 GMT

#1

About that Wandavision moment

Alright so I haven't watched the show yet because I'm waiting for all the episodes to be out, but Evan Peters Pietro???!!!

If I'm not mistaken this is the first time an ex-Fox-owned Marvel character has been in a Disney movie right? Disney acquired the X-Men from Fox years ago and this is the first time they've used one which is pretty huge.

I've seen people theorize that Pietro is actually Mephisto, but I personally like the idea that the X-Men (Fox movies) exist in a different, altnernate universe from the MCU (Disney movies). Now that Disney has the rights to both sets of characters, it would be a good explanation as to why the X-Men never mentioned the Avengers and vice versa. I'm personally a fan of the idea that Wanda ripped Evan Peters Pietro out of his dimension and into her little bubble. I thought alternate reality stuff was a power of hers in the comics but I could be wrong, either way if they want to start merging the realities they always have characters like Legion/David they could use for that. Poor Erik though probably finally found out he has a living child just for his altnerative universe Disney daughter to take him away lol.

Also I just like Evan Peters as Quicksilver/Peter so I’m excited he’s back.

42 notes • Posted 2021-02-06 15:35:26 GMT

Get your Tumblr 2021 Year in Review →

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Hard Times | June Goals Update

So it’s been another month. Somewhat scary to think that time flies straight over your head, and doesn't ever stop...

Anywho...

*If you would prefer to not read my struggles with bipolar disorder and in particular, the depressive side of it, feel free to skip past this ramble!*

Hey People of Earth!

I’ve had a month. It opened shitty, ended shitty, lots of shitty things happened in between. In regards to June--damn, how shitty it has been.

I have tried writing this post on its own for around a week now. And every single time I try, I end up trashing the draft. Last night I decided not to trash the draft, and post it today, but I’ve somehow trashed the draft.

Again...

So. I've sort of been severely depressed since the start of the month... Oh boy...

If you don't know, I was diagnosed officially as bipolar on May 31st of this year. I kid you not, the very next day, I fell back into this terrible depressive rut I haven't been able to escape since.

I’ve been waiting three years for someone to just validate the feelings I've had--I’ve been desperate for someone to tell me what my doctor told me on May 31st. I was convinced that hearing those words, hearing that diagnosis would make me the happiest person in the world, and I think it’s the disappointment that stemmed from not having that that just choked me this month.

I don’t know why hearing so hey, Rachel, yo, you’re actually bipolar sent me into the deepest, darkest hole I have ever existed in. Because I’d been waiting so long to hear those words. Past Me was positive everything would be better after I heard those words. Past Me always thought everything would get better after hearing those words, but things have only gotten progressively worse.

I’m diagnosed as bipolar, and I can’t tell you how hard that has been to swallow.

I’m sincerely sorry for missing blog posts, and promising I’ll come back, and then never coming back. I’ve literally torn myself apart because of this... But, I’ve lived like a ghost this month, and doing anything has been so painful. 

I went from high to low in the span of seconds, and I can’t leave.

I want to get into how it feels to be bipolar, and to cycle into these moods so frequently. Of course, this is only my experience with this disorder. Others might not experience this like I do.

So for me, shifting from high to low feels like someone is punching me in the face, and will not stop. I hate going from okay one moment, to so low the next. It’s so frustrating to me. Ask my family or friends--it’s fucking frustrating for them too because do you know how difficult it is for someone to see you having the time of your life one day, and then being in such a dark place the next? I hardly understand this. I can’t imagine how those around me feel. Switching from high to low feels like I’m a failure, and I cannot stop failing, because of all things, I can’t control my own brain, even though I feel like I should have that right. I’m not strong enough to control my brain--it controls me. Switching from high to low makes me feel so stuck. Like I’m struggling in quicksand, but there is no way out. You feel defeated by yourself, even though you shouldn't have a competition within yourself . But that’s kind of what goes on with me every time this happens. My body and soul go to war, when that should never happen.

I feel like to a point, while I emphasize honesty in my blog posts, there’s a line I draw. There’s a point where I fear if I talk more about this, and talk more about the fact that every single thing I did in June was torturous, people will not want to listen. I don’t want to bog people down. But this affects my writing life so much, and in turn, will affect you.

Imagine one day, you’re on top of the world. You have everything you could ever want. You are successful. You feel great about yourself. You are in the best state you have ever been in. Now imagine, the next day, you witness something so upsetting, you spiral into the deepest rut you’ve ever been in. You don't want to keep going. You’re choking on your own life. You feel hollow.

This happens to me. Every day. Every week. Every month.

I wish I could be more positive about this... I miss my positivity so much.

I can’t remember if I’ve talked about this on here before. But January and February are always the worst months I ever have to experience. Jan and Feb of 2015 were emotionally draining, but I didn’t know why, so I moved along as they went. Jan and Feb of 2016? A little harder to get by, but I did it, with a little help from ALL THE BRIGHT PLACES. Jan and Feb of 2017? Completely different ball game. I’ve never fought so hard to stay here.

Until June…

I always said that if I didn’t have a diagnosis before January and February of 2018, I’d probably not survive beyond then.

I didn’t know I was capable of feeling that pain in a completely different realm of time.

June isn’t the winter. June is sunny, and bright, and where all the happiness should stem from. There are flowers outside. The sky is blue. Everything is beautiful. June isn’t supposed to bring misery like January and February. June is supposed to be breezy and light, and the cross into summer vacation. But I just exited the hardest month I’ve ever had to live through. And I hate that I’ve said that statement somewhere around 8 times in my life, and I’m hardly even sixteen.

I can’t tell you why I’m so depressed. I can’t explain it. I can’t tell you it’s because something bad happened in my life. Because nothing did. Nothing happened. Nothing should have changed.

Gah. I didn't want to have to say all of this. But I know if I don't know, I never will.

So welcome to my off day. Or my off month. I guess.

So now that all of that's been said, let’s get into these insanely ambiguous goals, shall we?

1. Hit 80k in FOSTERED #5.

HIT 90K BABY.

2. Outline more of ALANNIS, and like maybe try to finish it, though I mean this isn’t going to happen, so yeah, just work on it pls

Didn’t even touch the thing. lol sorry.

3. Upload another video.

Guess who didn’t do this. Guess who has a video ready to upload just sitting on her computer. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Actually, I do. (Reference above, lol)

(I will get this thing up when I feel a little better I promise!)

4. Read a book yo.

Didn’t do this. Also because of the above. Sigh. I did start THE HATE U GIVE and it’s amazing thus far. I’m around 100 pages in, and I love it.

5. Finish another character portrait.

If there’s something I did this month... Jeez...

I did a lot of art this month, man... So I mean, if there’s a silver lining to anything, it’s that... I actually just finished one of these an hour ago. I’m not going to show you one of them because I’m not digging the final outcome that much.

I finished this AWESOME painting of Emily from the FOSTERED books AKA the character who looks different every time I write with her... lol. (Did I just call my own art awesome? Uhm, well I say awesome because @sarahkelsiwrites​ drew the sketch, I only painted it in. So yes.)

I don't like complimenting my own work, but um, I think I have substantially (and quite miraculously) improved my abilities to shade using the painterly technique.

I actually did my first digital painting using the painterly technique earlier in the month.

Here I bring you, ‘Angsty Ben’

LOOK AT HIS EYELINER

LOOK AT HIS BLEACHED HAIR

LOOK AT HIS LIP RING.

LOOK AT HIS ANGST PATCH JACKET

LOOK AT HIS STROKES FANBOY T-SHIRT

THE SURF CURSE PATCH KILLS ME

WHO ELSE SEES THE CLIFFORD IS A DISAPPOINTMENT PATCH ON THE BOTTOM LEFT.

LOWKEY WHAT A FUTURE 17-YEAR-OLD BEN LOOKS LIKE.

Hahahahahaaaaaaa

I know. This is the best thing I’ve ever created. Ha. So this cheered me up. Awesome.

Obviously, it’s not entirely finished, though I’m just stopping here at this point, because it was really only here as a test in shading.

My point here, is that I think there’s quite a large improvement in shading...

@sarahkelsiwrites​ did an amazing job on Emily’s sketch, so huge thanks to her! I have a speedpaint for this, so it’ll be up at some point in time... Harrison is actually supposed to be next to her, buuuuut he’s giving me trouble, so... (He will be completed at some point in time also.)

AND NOW LOOK HOW LIT THIS IS

@sarahkelsiwrites​ drew me the most AMAZING portrait of Lonan, and I die.

If you don't know, the name Lonan means blackbird, and the meaning of his name, though never stated in the books, is a huge point of symbolism in the novels...

This is the sketch she drew (excuse the world’s shittiest scan):

(It’s shitty a) because the paper is kind of way too big for the scanner, and b) because haha my scanner is shitty)

BUT CAN WE JUST.

And then I, around an hour ago, went in and added colour...

AHHHHHHHH

Sarah said she’d eventually like to do a digital painting of this as well, so I’m just so stoked... THE SYMBOLISM IN THIS DRAWING ACTUALLY MURDERS MEEEEEE.

Cuz yanno, birds are supposed to be in cages, but LOOK AT HIIIIM.

In other news, I finally have an idea for book five’s cover...

Bless you, Sarah. Bless. This thing makes me so happy.

I also have a speedpaint for this. So yeah. Onslaught of vids coming your way the minute I start feeling better.

6. Complete that huge edit on FOSTERED #5.

YAAAAAS. I did this. In school. Like a boss. If you don't know, I like to go back and edit my novel every 10k words or so, and accidentally eventually let the usual 10k turn into 30k... So to continue writing, I had to make a bit of a large edit, and I did it! I think it happened in a day or so? So it was a lot less arduous than anticipated.

7. *Maybe* re-visit I’M DISAPPOINTED. Just maybe. If it won’t drive you nuts. Or at least look at the query and fix it up a little.

I thought about re-visiting I’M DISAPPOINTED. lol. Does that count. (More news on what the heck is happening with this book in my writing update which should be up at some point in time..)

8. Write at least 100 words in the I’M DISAPPOINTED short story.

I didn’t do this. I was supposed to edit what I had. I have it all formatted and everything. But I never printed it out... So then, I just never wrote anything...

Ahhh well, look at all the amazing art above, lol. I’ve done more, but I’m saving all that stuff for later when they’re all cleaned up and stuff.

So those were all my goals and stuff. So I mean, even though I had the shittiest month ever, I still managed to somehow get a lot of things done. I’m addicted to work. This is a problem.

(Oh by the way, another goal I hit this month... You know how I said a while back that I wanted to get a 97% average this semester? Well... uh. I kind of did. 97.25% to be exact... yeaaaaaahhhhhh I should stop...)

So here are more goals:

1. Hit 100k in FOSTERED #5

2. Outline more of ALANNIS, and like maybe try to finish it, though I mean this isn’t going to happen, so yeah, just work on it pls

3. Upload another video.

4. Read a book yo.

5. Finish another character portrait

like come on

6. Write at least 100 words in the I’M DISAPPOINTED short story. 

pls.

Some exciting things happening in my life right now:

- I’m seeing Ed Sheeran in concert this FRIDAYYYYYY

- I might be seeing Precious Kid in Pennsylvania. Possibly.

- MY BROTHERS MET PRECIOUS KID

- I’M SEEING FLIPPIN SURF CURSE IN CONCERT AT THE END OF AUGUST

- Also going to Mexico

So many things are happening, man...

Because this post started out as the world’s biggest bummer, I want to maybe help anybody out there who needs some comfort by sharing a couple of things that’ve made my past month less terrible.

Daughter performances have been the only thing keeping me going at night when I can’t sleep. My insomnia hasn’t left me alone for this entire week. After trying everything I know of (come on fam, even my favourite ASMR vid doesn’t work), I’ve resorted to watching performances of one of my favourite bands.

Elena writes beautiful songs about her own sadness. She does it in a way that brings me so much comfort. And while all that I go through is ugly, Elena uses words that make it sound beautiful, and in doing so, make my pain less hurtful.

I’ve never seen them perform their song Made Of Stone live, so finding this performance was absolutely amazing. I love that she expresses thoughts I’ve had myself. It makes me feel like hey, I’m not the only one. Someone gets me. This song does that very well.

See, this is why I love music. 

You’ll find love kid, it exists

I also love

This one really helped sooth my mind a bit. Which is nice. :)

This post really helped me when I was in a really suicidal rut a couple nights ago: https://themighty.com/2016/08/if-you-want-to-die-read-this/

^^^ I love this post.

On a little bit of a lighter note, Paramore’s Hard Times hits me where I need it.

If you’ve been a long-time follower, you know how much your girl loves Paramore.

THIS SONG.

Lyrically, it’s one of the saddest things Paramore has put out. But they’ve paired it with this funky beat that’s so ironically happy… And guys… The accuracy in representing depression… Oh my lord…

Hard times Gonna make you wonder why you even try Hard times Gonna take you down and laugh when you cry These lives And I still don’t know how I even survive Hard times Hard times

And I still don’t know how I even survive… <<< this hits my heart so much

I sing this part with no chilllllll.

*this brings me so much happiness*

Paramore was the thing that got me through that second terrible Jan+Feb beyond ATBP, so this is somewhat fitting…

This video by Dodie is the thing that pushed me to not give a shit if this seemed too bitter and pessimistic. She really made me feel that if I feel bitter and pessimistic, I should be real about that.

I’m not actually a fan of hers (I just don’t watch her vids, though I probably will now), but I’ve seen this thing pop up in my recommended since it came out, and I finally watched it last night. I love this video.

Also just kind of a simple one, but my sister helps too. Like loads. So far, she’s been the one to make me smile and laugh, even when I’m in the actual middle of this muggy period.

Maybe you don’t know this about me, but I’m a die-hard ASMR fan (if you suffer from insomnia, this is my secret to sleep), and CarolineASMR’s 24/7 livestream has been giving me life.

Whenever I’m just very down, and need something to do, I listen to this. And it’s always there. Which is so great for so many reasons. I wasn’t going to mention this one because I didn’t think it was that much of a help, but after going through my YouTube history, I realize that I’ve relied on this livestream so much this past week…

(If you ever need ASMR recs, hellooooo)

(START WITH BRIGHTGREYASMR THAT’S ALL I HAVE TO SAY, YOU’RE WELCOME. THIS video is the only one that kills my insomnia around 90% which is AWESOME)

So all of these things have contributed to making my life a little easier. I wanted to share them with you to hopefully bring some light into your life, if you’ve been going through some hard times too. Just know that at some point in life, this suck will ease. I don’t know if it will ever get better, and I won’t say that because I know I don’t even like when people say that to me. But you’re literally going to keep kicking ass. Even if all you’re doing right now is existing, you are still worthy of every single moment you have. I know I don’t have hope right now, so I can’t tell you to just have hope, because sometimes, being hopeful isn’t always easy. I hope you find your hope, and I hope I find my hope. If you ever need someone to talk to, I’m all ears.

That’s kind of the end of this post... Thank you for listening, if you made it this far. Thank you for letting me express myself when I need to. I hope this serves as a bit of an explanation for my MIA-ness. I’ll try to be back as soon as I can. You guys are sincerely the best.

See you in the next one. :)

--Rachel

[reneeacaseyfl]

A Plate Adjustment Helped D.J. LeMahieu With Yankees, and Skeptical Fans

Whenever infielder D.J. LeMahieu has one of the performances the Yankees have come to rely on this season — a multi-hit game with several runs driven in — the tweet officially announcing his signing on Jan. 14 resurfaces as a playful reminder of how much has changed.

“Today, the Yankees announced that they have signed INF DJ LeMahieu to a 2-year contract through the 2020 season,” the first part of the Yankees’ tweet read.

The replies weren’t pretty. “Just gonna leave this here …” read one response, followed by a screenshot of LeMahieu’s statistics from last season that showed his struggles away from the hitter-friendly Coors Field in Denver. Another response read simply, “Lol.”

“That’s a weird way to spell Manny Machado,” Anthony Sessa, a 28-year-old Yankees fan, tweeted.

For many, including LeMahieu himself, his Yankees arrival didn’t quite make sense. They had plenty of infielders, including the All-Star Gleyber Torres at second base, the position where LeMahieu had won several awards for his defense.

“I definitely got a lot of texts, ‘Surprising sign,’” LeMahieu recalled recently. His friends and former teammates didn’t understand why he went to the Yankees.

LeMahieu has not only fit, he has emerged as the catalyst for the team with the best record in baseball entering Friday. His hitting prowess earned him the nickname The Machine, coined by catcher Gary Sanchez, and his defensive versatility rescued the Yankees through all of their injuries.

“He’s been one of the most valuable players in the league,” Yankees Manager Aaron Boone said earlier this month. “He’s been everything we could’ve hoped when we signed him.”

Entering a game Friday against his former team, the Colorado Rockies, LeMahieu led the American League with a .329 average. He has produced key hits in critical moments. When he started at second base for the A.L. during the All-Star Game earlier this month, it proved he wasn’t just a product of Coors Field.

“That guy rakes,” Yankees center fielder Aaron Hicks said. “He’s a true hitter.”

The Yankees lured LeMahieu, the 2016 National League batting champion for hitting .348, to New York with a two-year, $24 million deal. That looks like a bargain now, yet seemed puzzling when the deal was made in the winter.

At the time, the Yankees already had Miguel Andujar penciled in at third base, Luke Voit or Greg Bird at first base, Troy Tulowitzki as a placeholder at shortstop until Didi Gregorius’s return from elbow surgery in the summer, and Torres at second base. But the Yankees, who only briefly considered Machado, knew that depth was vital — and they were later proven right with substantial injuries to Andujar, Bird, Tulowitzki and others.

LeMahieu, though, was a three-time Gold Glove winner at second base, so why would he give up excellence at one position for a multi-positional role?

“Winning a Gold Glove is cool,” said LeMahieu, who had occasionally played first and third base earlier in his career. “But I think showing up to the yard and knowing we’re going to win every day is a pretty good feeling, too.”

LeMahieu, 31, pointed to a deeper reason for his willingness to sacrifice the security of second base: the Los Angeles Dodgers. All those years of facing the Dodgers, who have won the N.L. West six straight seasons and appeared in the past two World Series, showed LeMahieu the value of versatility. The Dodgers’ rosters of late have featured Swiss-Army-knife-like players who can handle multiple positions and pose a daunting challenge to any team’s matchups.

“They weren’t made to just get to the playoffs, but win the playoffs,” LeMahieu said. “You bring in a new pitcher and they have a whole new lineup. It’s annoying to play against. But I saw how it worked there and I saw it as a similar situation here.”

Even though LeMahieu had the chance to play second base more often elsewhere, such as the Tampa Bay Rays, the Yankees appeared to have the best offer, according to Yankees General Manager Brian Cashman, and LeMahieu said he wanted to play for a team devoted to winning. No playing time was promised, LeMahieu said, but he trusted the Yankees.

“There are so many good players here and I just felt like I was going to fit somewhere or another,” he said. “I just didn’t know how.”

The Yankees bet that LeMahieu’s athleticism and drive would allow him to adapt to other positions without issue, and his high-contact approach was attractive for a home run-bopping team.

LeMahieu has displayed a little more edge than expected, from his emotion on the field to his comments off it. Earlier this season, Boone said opponents shouldn’t be fooled by LeMahieu’s quiet intensity. “He’s out there to rip your heart out.”

Before he could prove his worth in New York, LeMahieu needed to tweak his hitting. He was coming off a 2018 season in which he made three trips to the injured list and hit .276 in 128 games, his lowest totals in at least four years. And the difference between his hitting at thin-air Coors Field and on the road was more pronounced than in the past.

An underlying attribute bugged LeMahieu. Because he hit the ball hard yet at a low angle, LeMahieu said the Rockies suggested last season that he adjust his hitting angle to produce more home runs. He toyed with that and hit a career best 15 home runs, but felt inconsistent all season.

“What they were saying is true,” LeMahieu said. “But the best thing for me was that I came back this off-season and I said, ‘The hitter I was last year wasn’t me.’”

So he rededicated himself to being, above all, a tough at-bat for opponents, and using all fields. He is so dedicated to that ethos that he said it bothered him two seasons ago when opponents shifted their defense often against him. Last year, he pulled the ball to left field more than ever.

LeMahieu was reassured during his first conversation with the Yankees hitting coaches, Marcus Thames and P.J. Pilittere. They told him to be the best version of himself, hitting the ball to center and right fields, not necessarily over the fence. “That was the best thing I could’ve heard coming here,” LeMahieu said.

Thames said the Yankees didn’t want to change LeMahieu’s proven right-handed swing. All they did, Thames said, after examining past seasons was suggest that LeMahieu be more aggressive early in the count with runners on base. The result: entering Friday’s game, LeMahieu was second in the major leagues with a .439 average with runners in scoring position.

“He took it and ran with it,” Thames said. “He’s doing a heck of a job.”

What makes LeMahieu one of the best at making contact in an era full of players using home run-focused, strikeout-prone uppercut hacks is his flat swing that sweeps through the strike zone. Any photo of LeMahieu mid-swing shows him dropping his right knee low to the ground.

“His barrel gets in the back of the zone early and it says in there,” Thames said. “I’m a big fan of guys using their lower half and he really uses it to the extreme.”

LeMahieu shrugged off questions about his swing, saying it had evolved over the years and that he didn’t think much about its mechanics. He said he didn’t know why he was hitting for more power this season — his launch angle (6.2 percent), slugging percentage (.508) and home runs (13 home runs through 87 games) are on pace to be career highs — beyond hitting the ball hard.

“I just feel like I’m in a good place right now and my swing is repeatable,” he said.

LeMahieu said his experience with the Yankees has been everything he hoped for, despite the initial skepticism.

“It wasn’t an obvious fit,” he said. “It just wasn’t. But it worked out and it’s working and hopefully it works out in the playoffs.”

And for those fans who have been teased since January for their disbelief, LeMahieu has indeed turned out better than everyone hoped.

“This is better than the best case scenario,” Sessa said in a telephone interview. “I’m never happier to have been wrong.”

Credit: Source link

The post A Plate Adjustment Helped D.J. LeMahieu With Yankees, and Skeptical Fans appeared first on WeeklyReviewer.

from WeeklyReviewer https://weeklyreviewer.com/a-plate-adjustment-helped-d-j-lemahieu-with-yankees-and-skeptical-fans/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=a-plate-adjustment-helped-d-j-lemahieu-with-yankees-and-skeptical-fans from WeeklyReviewer https://weeklyreviewer.tumblr.com/post/186410131227

[velmaemyers88]

A Plate Adjustment Helped D.J. LeMahieu With Yankees, and Skeptical Fans

Whenever infielder D.J. LeMahieu has one of the performances the Yankees have come to rely on this season — a multi-hit game with several runs driven in — the tweet officially announcing his signing on Jan. 14 resurfaces as a playful reminder of how much has changed.

“Today, the Yankees announced that they have signed INF DJ LeMahieu to a 2-year contract through the 2020 season,” the first part of the Yankees’ tweet read.

The replies weren’t pretty. “Just gonna leave this here …” read one response, followed by a screenshot of LeMahieu’s statistics from last season that showed his struggles away from the hitter-friendly Coors Field in Denver. Another response read simply, “Lol.”

“That’s a weird way to spell Manny Machado,” Anthony Sessa, a 28-year-old Yankees fan, tweeted.

For many, including LeMahieu himself, his Yankees arrival didn’t quite make sense. They had plenty of infielders, including the All-Star Gleyber Torres at second base, the position where LeMahieu had won several awards for his defense.

“I definitely got a lot of texts, ‘Surprising sign,’” LeMahieu recalled recently. His friends and former teammates didn’t understand why he went to the Yankees.

LeMahieu has not only fit, he has emerged as the catalyst for the team with the best record in baseball entering Friday. His hitting prowess earned him the nickname The Machine, coined by catcher Gary Sanchez, and his defensive versatility rescued the Yankees through all of their injuries.

“He’s been one of the most valuable players in the league,” Yankees Manager Aaron Boone said earlier this month. “He’s been everything we could’ve hoped when we signed him.”

Entering a game Friday against his former team, the Colorado Rockies, LeMahieu led the American League with a .329 average. He has produced key hits in critical moments. When he started at second base for the A.L. during the All-Star Game earlier this month, it proved he wasn’t just a product of Coors Field.

“That guy rakes,” Yankees center fielder Aaron Hicks said. “He’s a true hitter.”

The Yankees lured LeMahieu, the 2016 National League batting champion for hitting .348, to New York with a two-year, $24 million deal. That looks like a bargain now, yet seemed puzzling when the deal was made in the winter.

At the time, the Yankees already had Miguel Andujar penciled in at third base, Luke Voit or Greg Bird at first base, Troy Tulowitzki as a placeholder at shortstop until Didi Gregorius’s return from elbow surgery in the summer, and Torres at second base. But the Yankees, who only briefly considered Machado, knew that depth was vital — and they were later proven right with substantial injuries to Andujar, Bird, Tulowitzki and others.

LeMahieu, though, was a three-time Gold Glove winner at second base, so why would he give up excellence at one position for a multi-positional role?

“Winning a Gold Glove is cool,” said LeMahieu, who had occasionally played first and third base earlier in his career. “But I think showing up to the yard and knowing we’re going to win every day is a pretty good feeling, too.”

LeMahieu, 31, pointed to a deeper reason for his willingness to sacrifice the security of second base: the Los Angeles Dodgers. All those years of facing the Dodgers, who have won the N.L. West six straight seasons and appeared in the past two World Series, showed LeMahieu the value of versatility. The Dodgers’ rosters of late have featured Swiss-Army-knife-like players who can handle multiple positions and pose a daunting challenge to any team’s matchups.

“They weren’t made to just get to the playoffs, but win the playoffs,” LeMahieu said. “You bring in a new pitcher and they have a whole new lineup. It’s annoying to play against. But I saw how it worked there and I saw it as a similar situation here.”

Even though LeMahieu had the chance to play second base more often elsewhere, such as the Tampa Bay Rays, the Yankees appeared to have the best offer, according to Yankees General Manager Brian Cashman, and LeMahieu said he wanted to play for a team devoted to winning. No playing time was promised, LeMahieu said, but he trusted the Yankees.

“There are so many good players here and I just felt like I was going to fit somewhere or another,” he said. “I just didn’t know how.”

The Yankees bet that LeMahieu’s athleticism and drive would allow him to adapt to other positions without issue, and his high-contact approach was attractive for a home run-bopping team.

LeMahieu has displayed a little more edge than expected, from his emotion on the field to his comments off it. Earlier this season, Boone said opponents shouldn’t be fooled by LeMahieu’s quiet intensity. “He’s out there to rip your heart out.”

Before he could prove his worth in New York, LeMahieu needed to tweak his hitting. He was coming off a 2018 season in which he made three trips to the injured list and hit .276 in 128 games, his lowest totals in at least four years. And the difference between his hitting at thin-air Coors Field and on the road was more pronounced than in the past.

An underlying attribute bugged LeMahieu. Because he hit the ball hard yet at a low angle, LeMahieu said the Rockies suggested last season that he adjust his hitting angle to produce more home runs. He toyed with that and hit a career best 15 home runs, but felt inconsistent all season.

“What they were saying is true,” LeMahieu said. “But the best thing for me was that I came back this off-season and I said, ‘The hitter I was last year wasn’t me.’”

So he rededicated himself to being, above all, a tough at-bat for opponents, and using all fields. He is so dedicated to that ethos that he said it bothered him two seasons ago when opponents shifted their defense often against him. Last year, he pulled the ball to left field more than ever.

LeMahieu was reassured during his first conversation with the Yankees hitting coaches, Marcus Thames and P.J. Pilittere. They told him to be the best version of himself, hitting the ball to center and right fields, not necessarily over the fence. “That was the best thing I could’ve heard coming here,” LeMahieu said.

Thames said the Yankees didn’t want to change LeMahieu’s proven right-handed swing. All they did, Thames said, after examining past seasons was suggest that LeMahieu be more aggressive early in the count with runners on base. The result: entering Friday’s game, LeMahieu was second in the major leagues with a .439 average with runners in scoring position.

“He took it and ran with it,” Thames said. “He’s doing a heck of a job.”

What makes LeMahieu one of the best at making contact in an era full of players using home run-focused, strikeout-prone uppercut hacks is his flat swing that sweeps through the strike zone. Any photo of LeMahieu mid-swing shows him dropping his right knee low to the ground.

“His barrel gets in the back of the zone early and it says in there,” Thames said. “I’m a big fan of guys using their lower half and he really uses it to the extreme.”

LeMahieu shrugged off questions about his swing, saying it had evolved over the years and that he didn’t think much about its mechanics. He said he didn’t know why he was hitting for more power this season — his launch angle (6.2 percent), slugging percentage (.508) and home runs (13 home runs through 87 games) are on pace to be career highs — beyond hitting the ball hard.

“I just feel like I’m in a good place right now and my swing is repeatable,” he said.

LeMahieu said his experience with the Yankees has been everything he hoped for, despite the initial skepticism.

“It wasn’t an obvious fit,” he said. “It just wasn’t. But it worked out and it’s working and hopefully it works out in the playoffs.”

And for those fans who have been teased since January for their disbelief, LeMahieu has indeed turned out better than everyone hoped.

“This is better than the best case scenario,” Sessa said in a telephone interview. “I’m never happier to have been wrong.”

Credit: Source link

The post A Plate Adjustment Helped D.J. LeMahieu With Yankees, and Skeptical Fans appeared first on WeeklyReviewer.

from WeeklyReviewer https://weeklyreviewer.com/a-plate-adjustment-helped-d-j-lemahieu-with-yankees-and-skeptical-fans/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=a-plate-adjustment-helped-d-j-lemahieu-with-yankees-and-skeptical-fans from WeeklyReviewer https://weeklyreviewer.tumblr.com/post/186410131227

[weeklyreviewer]

A Plate Adjustment Helped D.J. LeMahieu With Yankees, and Skeptical Fans

Whenever infielder D.J. LeMahieu has one of the performances the Yankees have come to rely on this season — a multi-hit game with several runs driven in — the tweet officially announcing his signing on Jan. 14 resurfaces as a playful reminder of how much has changed.

“Today, the Yankees announced that they have signed INF DJ LeMahieu to a 2-year contract through the 2020 season,” the first part of the Yankees’ tweet read.

The replies weren’t pretty. “Just gonna leave this here …” read one response, followed by a screenshot of LeMahieu’s statistics from last season that showed his struggles away from the hitter-friendly Coors Field in Denver. Another response read simply, “Lol.”

“That’s a weird way to spell Manny Machado,” Anthony Sessa, a 28-year-old Yankees fan, tweeted.

For many, including LeMahieu himself, his Yankees arrival didn’t quite make sense. They had plenty of infielders, including the All-Star Gleyber Torres at second base, the position where LeMahieu had won several awards for his defense.

“I definitely got a lot of texts, ‘Surprising sign,’” LeMahieu recalled recently. His friends and former teammates didn’t understand why he went to the Yankees.

LeMahieu has not only fit, he has emerged as the catalyst for the team with the best record in baseball entering Friday. His hitting prowess earned him the nickname The Machine, coined by catcher Gary Sanchez, and his defensive versatility rescued the Yankees through all of their injuries.

“He’s been one of the most valuable players in the league,” Yankees Manager Aaron Boone said earlier this month. “He’s been everything we could’ve hoped when we signed him.”

Entering a game Friday against his former team, the Colorado Rockies, LeMahieu led the American League with a .329 average. He has produced key hits in critical moments. When he started at second base for the A.L. during the All-Star Game earlier this month, it proved he wasn’t just a product of Coors Field.

“That guy rakes,” Yankees center fielder Aaron Hicks said. “He’s a true hitter.”

The Yankees lured LeMahieu, the 2016 National League batting champion for hitting .348, to New York with a two-year, $24 million deal. That looks like a bargain now, yet seemed puzzling when the deal was made in the winter.

At the time, the Yankees already had Miguel Andujar penciled in at third base, Luke Voit or Greg Bird at first base, Troy Tulowitzki as a placeholder at shortstop until Didi Gregorius’s return from elbow surgery in the summer, and Torres at second base. But the Yankees, who only briefly considered Machado, knew that depth was vital — and they were later proven right with substantial injuries to Andujar, Bird, Tulowitzki and others.

LeMahieu, though, was a three-time Gold Glove winner at second base, so why would he give up excellence at one position for a multi-positional role?

“Winning a Gold Glove is cool,” said LeMahieu, who had occasionally played first and third base earlier in his career. “But I think showing up to the yard and knowing we’re going to win every day is a pretty good feeling, too.”

LeMahieu, 31, pointed to a deeper reason for his willingness to sacrifice the security of second base: the Los Angeles Dodgers. All those years of facing the Dodgers, who have won the N.L. West six straight seasons and appeared in the past two World Series, showed LeMahieu the value of versatility. The Dodgers’ rosters of late have featured Swiss-Army-knife-like players who can handle multiple positions and pose a daunting challenge to any team’s matchups.

“They weren’t made to just get to the playoffs, but win the playoffs,” LeMahieu said. “You bring in a new pitcher and they have a whole new lineup. It’s annoying to play against. But I saw how it worked there and I saw it as a similar situation here.”

Even though LeMahieu had the chance to play second base more often elsewhere, such as the Tampa Bay Rays, the Yankees appeared to have the best offer, according to Yankees General Manager Brian Cashman, and LeMahieu said he wanted to play for a team devoted to winning. No playing time was promised, LeMahieu said, but he trusted the Yankees.

“There are so many good players here and I just felt like I was going to fit somewhere or another,” he said. “I just didn’t know how.”

The Yankees bet that LeMahieu’s athleticism and drive would allow him to adapt to other positions without issue, and his high-contact approach was attractive for a home run-bopping team.

LeMahieu has displayed a little more edge than expected, from his emotion on the field to his comments off it. Earlier this season, Boone said opponents shouldn’t be fooled by LeMahieu’s quiet intensity. “He’s out there to rip your heart out.”

Before he could prove his worth in New York, LeMahieu needed to tweak his hitting. He was coming off a 2018 season in which he made three trips to the injured list and hit .276 in 128 games, his lowest totals in at least four years. And the difference between his hitting at thin-air Coors Field and on the road was more pronounced than in the past.

An underlying attribute bugged LeMahieu. Because he hit the ball hard yet at a low angle, LeMahieu said the Rockies suggested last season that he adjust his hitting angle to produce more home runs. He toyed with that and hit a career best 15 home runs, but felt inconsistent all season.

“What they were saying is true,” LeMahieu said. “But the best thing for me was that I came back this off-season and I said, ‘The hitter I was last year wasn’t me.’”

So he rededicated himself to being, above all, a tough at-bat for opponents, and using all fields. He is so dedicated to that ethos that he said it bothered him two seasons ago when opponents shifted their defense often against him. Last year, he pulled the ball to left field more than ever.

LeMahieu was reassured during his first conversation with the Yankees hitting coaches, Marcus Thames and P.J. Pilittere. They told him to be the best version of himself, hitting the ball to center and right fields, not necessarily over the fence. “That was the best thing I could’ve heard coming here,” LeMahieu said.

Thames said the Yankees didn’t want to change LeMahieu’s proven right-handed swing. All they did, Thames said, after examining past seasons was suggest that LeMahieu be more aggressive early in the count with runners on base. The result: entering Friday’s game, LeMahieu was second in the major leagues with a .439 average with runners in scoring position.

“He took it and ran with it,” Thames said. “He’s doing a heck of a job.”

What makes LeMahieu one of the best at making contact in an era full of players using home run-focused, strikeout-prone uppercut hacks is his flat swing that sweeps through the strike zone. Any photo of LeMahieu mid-swing shows him dropping his right knee low to the ground.

“His barrel gets in the back of the zone early and it says in there,” Thames said. “I’m a big fan of guys using their lower half and he really uses it to the extreme.”

LeMahieu shrugged off questions about his swing, saying it had evolved over the years and that he didn’t think much about its mechanics. He said he didn’t know why he was hitting for more power this season — his launch angle (6.2 percent), slugging percentage (.508) and home runs (13 home runs through 87 games) are on pace to be career highs — beyond hitting the ball hard.

“I just feel like I’m in a good place right now and my swing is repeatable,” he said.

LeMahieu said his experience with the Yankees has been everything he hoped for, despite the initial skepticism.

“It wasn’t an obvious fit,” he said. “It just wasn’t. But it worked out and it’s working and hopefully it works out in the playoffs.”

And for those fans who have been teased since January for their disbelief, LeMahieu has indeed turned out better than everyone hoped.

“This is better than the best case scenario,” Sessa said in a telephone interview. “I’m never happier to have been wrong.”

Credit: Source link

The post A Plate Adjustment Helped D.J. LeMahieu With Yankees, and Skeptical Fans appeared first on WeeklyReviewer.

from WeeklyReviewer https://weeklyreviewer.com/a-plate-adjustment-helped-d-j-lemahieu-with-yankees-and-skeptical-fans/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=a-plate-adjustment-helped-d-j-lemahieu-with-yankees-and-skeptical-fans

[aalves07-blog]

The tea...and murder

So I’ve been sitting on the idea for the next topic I wanted to write about for a while now, and now I am finally sitting down to do it.  As the title of this post implies, I’ve been thinking a lot about tea and murder...WAIT!  Before you call me crazy, and alert the authorities, perhaps I should clarify a bit.  Topic 1) Tea...I make a ton of it.  Topic 2) I’ve been indulging in podcasts/audiobooks on the subject of murder recently.  Does everyone feel better now?  Great, now breathe a sigh of relief, take a sip of your drink (alcoholic or not, it’s the weekend and 5 o’clock somewhere), and let’s get moving.

So why tea?  Why not?  It is one of the most consumed beverages in the world, and it is certainly the most consumed beverage in our house.  I have been thinking about this for a while, and I even have a tea routine.  To give you a visual, we have 5 containers of tea in the fridge at any given moment: a 1 gallon pitcher, a roughly 1 gallon dispenser, and 3 1.9L infusion pitchers.  The vast majority of the pitchers (read 4 of the 5) are dedicated to unsweetened black tea for Indy.  The other pitcher is for me and whatever crazy concoction I’ve been craving lately, whether it be Red Velvet Cake or Strawberry Rhubarb.  I’m all about trying new flavors, and while Indy occasionally gets out of control with his wild La La Lemon Tea, he’s a creature of habit.  Which is why my tea routine is so important.

In our house, my tea routine happens about 2 times a week.  Yes...we go through that much tea in a week (I have estimated about 6 gallons).  When the big one gets empty, that’s a 4 hour process.  I clean the pitcher, set the gallon sized tea bag in the infusion basket, and fill it with cold water and let it sit for 4 hours.  Kind of the “set it and forget it” approach I suppose.  When it’s done, I take out the infusion basked, throw the cover on (that of course is warped and draws curses out of me every time), and throw it in the fridge.  For the dispenser...well that’s a process of itself and there are a few variables.  

For the most ease of explanation, let’s just assume EVERYTHING is empty...which often happens as a “surprise” when I’m trying to do other things and Indy is thirsty.  So I fill the electric kettle and flick the switch to turn it on and the intoxicating blue light comes on.  As the kettle begins to build it’s steam up to a whistle, I prep one of his empty pitchers with a gallon bag in the infusion basket and wait.  As the kettle comes to a roaring boil and I hear the *click*  of it turning off, I pour the water over the basket and into the pitcher.  Once it is empty, I head on over to the microwave, hit the timer for 5 minutes, refill the kettle, turn it back on, and wait...and wait...and wait.  *Beep Beep, Beep Beep*, that’s my cue.  Pop back over, and by this point the kettle is singing to me again.  I pour the water into the second pitcher, remove the basket from the first pitcher and put it in the second pitcher.  Refill the kettle, and turn it on again.  While that is boiling, I throw ice in the dispenser, pour the first pitcher in, and wait for the second to be done brewing.  Once it’s done, I pour that into the dispenser and repeat the process to fill the pitchers again with water and tea.  Once that’s done, I tackle my lonely pitcher, decide my flavor, and get to steeping.  All in all, the process takes me about 20ish minutes for me to prep his teas, and 5-7 minutes for mine.  

Now why did I feel the need to share my seemingly mundane process of making tea with you?  Well...for me, it’s a slow down.  Yes, when I begin the process, I may be stressed (especially when all the tea is empty and I was trying to do other things with my day but Indy is thirsty and I know he won’t drink anything else), however, by the time I am done, I am content.  I know how much it means to Indy that I perform this reoccurring ritual, putting aside all my other tasks to focus on this.  I know that it’s a little task, but life is made up of little tasks that add up to big meaning.  I am not home until later in the evening 3 nights a week, so I don’t always cook dinner.  I wish I could be the Holly Housewife...the 1950′s woman who had the house spotless, all the laundry done, and dinner ready on the table for her husband no matter how frazzled she was during the day.  However, this isn’t Pleasantville.  We live in an age where we both have to work, and I don’t think they sell those dresses anymore.  Tea is my way of having everything ready for Indy.  The laundry may be piled up, cat fur tumbleweeds may be catching air from the draft of opening the door...but there is always tea...and murder.

Murder audiobooks/podcasts/documentaries seem to be the hot new trend with new descriptions of age old cases being brought to light.  Whether you binge on Netflix watching court cases of different outcasts of society, listen to podcasts of murders in small towns, or audiobooks that skirt the line of fiction/reality.  I’ve been addicted to Audible and with each month, I get 2 audible originals.  I’ve “read” two recently that had me on the edge of my seat.  The first one was Killer by Nature by Jan Smith.  The second one (that I started and finished today) was The Demon Next Door by Bryan Burrough.  

During my high school years, I was always interested in the process of catching serial killers through cyber forensics, one may call it an infatuation...but why?  Why are people so drawn to hearing about these tales of murder which should typically cast a sense of horror over us?  Well for me, it’s about the satisfaction of learning backgrounds of people, motives, alibis, and in the end, incarceration or execution of those that who have performed unspeakable acts.  It’s kind of like my “dirty little secret”.  I may now know the latest fashions, makeup trends, or other “feminine” things, but I would LOVE to discuss my feelings on certain killers, or dive deep into a lengthy audiobook full of deception, malice, and murder.   With my wireless ear buds, I can live in my own secret world.  On the outside, I am the the epitome of Betty Crocker, the next Baking Champion in training stressing over my very first trial of making macarons. On the inside however, I am chasing after a killer who’s signature is leaving a miniature unicorn with each victim.  So yes...I’m a strange duck who has many sides seemingly flowing into each other.  So won’t you pull up a chair  and let me pour you a glass while we discuss Murder over Macarons?

[phatjosh180]

RACE REPORT: Lucky 5K

I’ve been running for over seven years now — and it feels like I’ve done pretty much everything. I’ve done dozens of 5Ks, 100+ half marathons, a handful of marathons and ultra races — I’ve even placed in a race TWICE (third overall in my age group). But, I have never WON my age group before.

Until this past Saturday.

Going into the Lucky 5K I really had no aspirations to win my age group. Mainly, because, I’ve never done it. I thought I’d probably place because most of the runners were doing the half marathon and 10K. My only real goal was that I wanted to do well by pushing myself toward that sub-30 minute 5K goal.

Did I think the sub-30 minute goal was attainable on Saturday? Ehhh … yes and no. I knew I was faster since my last 5K, but being the realistic man that I am — I knew I wasn’t there yet. But, I still felt that if I happened to run the race of my life I could do it.

So the goal was to apply pressure and not let up.

A post shared by TheＪｏｓｈｅｒDoes Keto (@ketowalla) on Mar 17, 2018 at 7:40am PDT

I wanted to believe that I could somehow pull out a sub-30 minute time, but after a week with only ONE two mile run, I wasn’t very hopeful. I had a very busy and stressful week at work that required me to work from 7am-5:30pm on most days. It didn’t leave much time for an early morning or late night run — and quite honestly — I didn’t feel up to with my energy levels all over the place. I slept as much as I could when I was home.

I totally understand that’s an excuse, because I really could have found time for at least one more 2-3 mile run sometime during the week. But, I was still able to get my workouts in during my lunch breaks at work and that made a difference. And, quite honestly, I was able to get a lot of the stress out through my heavy lifts and squats better than a run.

Either way — it was a crappy week of running. But, by running fast and applying that pressure I felt I could further release a lot of that stress from the week. And, if I could successfully release that stress during the race — I’d be fine with whatever my time ended up to be.

Sound race plan, eh? I think what it really boiled down to is that I needed a release and sometimes a hard fought out run is the only thing that will do the trick. One of the many reasons I love running.

A post shared by Ｊｏｓｈｅｒ (@josherwalla) on Mar 17, 2018 at 12:55pm PDT

Standing at the starting line was a lot of fun. Since there was a half marathon and 10K happening as well, we all stood at the starting line together. It was fun (as always) to hangout and laugh with so many friends — Amy, Lizz, Sheri, the Atwoods, my AIIA family, my Run4fun family, my Pod Bash family, Dith, Julianna, Chris, etc., etc., etc., etc.

If we’re going to talk about St. Patrick’s Day and the luck of the Irish — I feel extremely lucky (well, blessed) to have so many awesome friends. I never run alone. Of all the things I’ve added to my life as a runner, it’s the friendships that I value and cherish the most. Always have, always will.

Carrying that synergy of the start line the races started in waves — with the half marathon first and then the 10K runners about a minute or so after. Once the 10K runners were off and running — it was us 5Kers turn. And, before I knew it — we were off!

I jumped right to it — and just went. And, I felt great. My legs had been a bit sore from the previous days workout (squats baby!), but I felt light and springy. I knew this wouldn’t last forever, so I rode it as far as I could. I just wanted to go.

A post shared by TheＪｏｓｈｅｒDoes Keto (@ketowalla) on Mar 17, 2018 at 1:11pm PDT

I kept the pressure on throughout the first half of the race — under the overpass, over the bridge, over the second bridge and it wasn’t until around the aid station and turn around that I started feeling the fatigue. But, I just wanted to keep pushing — I didn’t bother stopping at the aid station, I just went.

I ran past Allen, Lisa and Lizz who were running the 10K, then I saw Q and Kevin Atwood coming back after the 5K turnaround, seeing them just energized me to keep going. The funny thing is I kinda forgot to take a customary race picture of myself mid-run — but, I got one of the Atwoods and Lizz. I guess that kinda shows I was pretty focused on the race.

After the turnaround I was really feeling heavy legs, but I didn’t care. I was going to push through it. I knew I could survive — so I kept at it. I passed a few other friends including my friend Stockton with less than a mile left. I had no idea what my time was, but I felt that I was somewhere in the 30-35 minute range, I just wanted to leave everything out there on the course.

Making my back into Gardner Village I got a surge of energy as I saw the finish line and mustered a rocket boost the last few yards. I noticed my friend Chris was behind me too and we both put it into turbo mode. It was a great finish.

A post shared by Ｊｏｓｈｅｒ (@josherwalla) on Mar 17, 2018 at 2:55pm PDT

Once I finished I grabbed some water for Chris and I and kinda collapsed in the parking lot as more runners made their way through the finish line. I felt great. I was zapped, but I gave it everything and that’s all I could have asked of myself.

I checked my time and came in at 35:37 minutes — not bad. It was about 20 seconds slower than my Sweethearts 5K time, which I’m fine with. It wasn’t what I was hoping for — but it was my BEST effort and somedays that’s a victory in and of itself. And, really, if I had the week I wish I had, I have no doubt I would have crushed that time. But, I can’t feel bad about the time considering the circumstances I put myself in during the week.

My biggest takeaway from the race was that I felt strong. I did feel stronger than in February when I did the Sweethearts 5K. I really want to push for a sub-30 minute 5K this year and I’m getting closer to that reality.

I hope to do a couple more 5Ks before June, but I’m going all in on June 9 at the Drop13 5K down Big Cottonwood. I was planning on doing the half marathon, but after adding the Buffalo Run 25K last week I had some wiggle room on my remaining ten races of my 180 race goal. I want to go for it at Drop13 — I have to (I mean it’s downhill!).

A post shared by Ｊｏｓｈｅｒ (@josherwalla) on Mar 17, 2018 at 5:12pm PDT

If the time wasn’t reason enough to be happy — I happened to also win my age group! Yes, me! I’ve placed third in my age group a couple times, but I have NEVER actually won my age group, so I was a bit surprised by it.

Almost immediately upon learning about my win, I tried to discredit it. I mean — there were only three other runners in my age group, my time was pretty pedestrian and there were much faster runners out there who could have done better. Especially the faster runners out there doing the 10K and half marathon distances.

But, I caught myself in that negative self-talk and allowed myself to enjoy it. So what if there were only three other runners in my age group? So what if I didn’t run the world’s fastest 5K? So what if there were faster runners out there? I’m only racing those that show up. I was faster than two other people who showed up in my age group and that gave me the victory.

I earned it.

So, I enjoyed it.

A post shared by Ｊｏｓｈｅｒ (@josherwalla) on Mar 17, 2018 at 4:03pm PDT

Race season is starting to pick up — I have the Riverton Half next week. I won’t lie — there’s a part of me that wants to do the 5K instead. I want another stab at the distance to see what I can do. But, I’m also really excited to do the half. I am just nine races away from my 180 goal — that’s HUGE! I can’t believe that I am on the cusp of that achievement.

Anyways, a lot of takeaways from the race. And, what it boils down to — I’m just grateful for what I am able to do. I really try to not take it for granted. I never want to take it for granted.

Heaven forbid I do.

THE ROAD TO 180

The following are the remaining races to Race #180 at the Bountiful Handcart Days Half Marathon on July 21st. If you would like to join me on my Race #180 there’s a Facebook event you can RSVP at here.

With this sudden change to my schedule, this might change? But, right now I feel good about dropping from the half marathon to the 5K at Drop13 Big Cottonwood.

A post shared by The Runcast (@theruncast) on Jan 10, 2018 at 5:34am PST

RACE REPORT: Lucky 5K was originally published on PhatJosh | My Life Running.

[awesomecolorfulcollectorwombat]

Will Tesla Have To Pre-Announce A 42% Q1 Sales Miss?

New Post has been published on http://indolargeprints.com/will-tesla-have-to-pre-announce-a-42-q1-sales-miss/

Will Tesla Have To Pre-Announce A 42% Q1 Sales Miss?

We all know that Tesla’s (TSLA) Model 3 sales have already fallen way behind Tesla’s guidance this quarter. Its guidance has been for 400,000 Model 3 units in 2018, for a total of 500,000 units when adding 100,000 from the Model S and X columns.

With 1,875 Model 3 units in January and 2,485 in February, the Model 3 already is looking like an epic miss of Olympian proportions. At 2,500 per month, that would be a measly 30,000 a year, or more than a 90% shortfall from the 400,000 per year guidance. Adding insult to injury, Tesla admitted in its February 7 financial report that the Model 3 has negative gross margin even at a selling price that’s currently starting at $50,000. One certainly understands the company’s reluctance to start selling the $36,000 version.

But enough about the Model 3 for a change. Seeing as the Model 3 is suffering from an amazing inability to enter proper volume production, Tesla is left with selling its existing models – Model S and X. So, how are they doing?

Let’s start with the six countries in Europe that as of the time of this writing (Saturday) have reported February month numbers to their respective government registration authorities:

Model S+X

Jan-Feb 2017

Oct-Nov 2017

Jan-Feb 2018

sequentially

year/year

Norway

467

1288

296

-77%

-37%

Germany

353

422

237

-44%

-33%

Belgium

138

144

76

-47%

-45%

Austria

115

108

52

-52%

-55%

Sweden

179

148

48

-68%

-73%

Finland

42

30

4

-87%

-90%

TOTAL

1294

2140

713

-67%

-45%

As you can see in the table above, it’s a massacre. No matter whether you compare the two first months of this quarter with the first two months of the previous quarter, or the one a year ago, sales are down by epic proportions. Down 45% from last year, and down 67% from last quarter.

Alright, I know from geography class that Europe consists of more countries than just six. While these six countries are among Tesla’s top dozen countries in Europe, they are unfortunately the only ones who reported February numbers as of this writing.

Therefore, in the interest of fairness and as a “double-check” on these numbers, let’s look at the other six top Tesla European countries for the January-only comparisons. These comparisons are vs. January a year ago, and the first month in the previous quarter – October 2017:

Model S+X

Jan 2017

Oct 2017

Jan 2018

sequentially

year/year

UK

325

327

139

-57%

-57%

Holland

115

175

77

-56%

-33%

Switzerland

103

155

15

-90%

-85%

Italy

20

59

29

-51%

45%

Spain

23

23

23

0%

0%

France

72

93

12

-87%

-83%

TOTAL

658

832

295

-65%

-55%

As you can see in the table above, the situation is remarkably similar to the one for the other six countries for whom we have not only January numbers, but also February. These are down 65% vs. 67% for the other half-dozen countries. Year over year, these are down 55% vs.45% for the other. Split the difference, and we’re at a nice round 50% year-over-year decline.

Just like Europe doesn’t consist of six countries, the world doesn’t consist of only Europe either. Let’s add Tesla’s home market, the U.S., to this analysis. We do this by virtue of getting the January and February Model S and X numbers from Insideevs, the agreed-to-by-all-parties most accurate estimator of Tesla monthly U.S. sales numbers: here.

Tesla USA

Jan-Feb 2017

Oct-Nov 2017

Jan-Feb 2018

sequentially

year/year

Model S

2650

2455

1925

-22%

-27%

Model X

1550

2725

1575

-42%

2%

TOTAL

4200

5180

3500

-32%

-17%

As you can see in the table above, Tesla’s Model S and X sales in the U.S. are down this year, but not as much as they are in Europe. They are down 32% sequentially and 17% year over year. Those are horrible numbers, but not as bad as the declines in Europe that are more than twice as bad.

So what if we aggregate Tesla’s top six countries in Europe that have reported February numbers, with the U.S. estimates from Insideevs? What’s the combined result?

Tesla US+E

Jan-Feb 2017

Oct-Nov 2017

Jan-Feb 2018

sequentially

year/year

Europe

1294

2140

713

-67%

-45%

USA

4200

5180

3500

-32%

-17%

TOTAL

5494

7320

4213

-42%

-23%

As you can see in the table above, Tesla’s combined Model S and X sales so far this year, between the U.S. and six of Tesla’s top countries in Europe, are down 42% sequentially from the first two months of the previous quarter, and down 23% from a year ago.

So which of these two numbers – a 42% sequential decline and a 23% year-over-year decline – is most relevant? Frankly, I don’t care. Argue it as you wish. Pick your favorite plague and compare it with your favorite cholera. Tesla is trading at a hyper-valuation, based on a hyper-multiple, and is therefore supposed to be a hyper-growth company. If the product was extremely profitable and there were no balance sheet issues or any other “hair” on the story, year-over-year growth of 50% or 100% or something like that, might be considered acceptable for a hyper-growth company.

But not a decline of 42% or a decline of 23%.

Of course, there are at least two factors that we do not know in order to complete the picture for the quarter:

Sales outside Europe and the U.S.

Sales in the month of March.

It’s entirely possible that the Model S and X are able to dig themselves out of the massive hole created by a 42% decline thus far from last quarter, in Europe and the U.S. combined. For starters, Tesla sells to some other countries. Maybe China is having a monster quarter? Perhaps Zimbabwe or Uzbekistan are coming to the rescue? I’m sure some eccentric billionaires in Iceland and New Zealand can pitch in for a few cars.

I have not found reliable February numbers from China. For January, the Tesla China numbers were a disaster: here.

Basically, the Tesla Model X sold only 500 units in China, putting it behind not only one, but two, Trumpchi models (no, I kid you not), as the two Trumpchis sold a collective 1,043 units. Year over year, the Tesla Model X number was down from 624 last year: here. That’s a decline of 20%.

Adding insult to injury, the Tesla Model S sold only 330 units in China in January, bumping it off the top-20 best-selling plug-in list. Cadillac’s (GM) plug-in luxury sedan, the CT6, outsold it with 451 units. Yes, Cadillac.

All that said, the situation in China is simple and most brutal: The top 15 best-selling plug-in cars are domestic Chinese brands that we never see here in the West. In this context, Tesla is going from being an already tiny player in China to somewhere way to the right of the decimal point. It’s simply not a factor, and the 20% decline in the Model X this year suggests confirmation of that tailspin.

Now of course, we are on the lookout for reliable February numbers from China. Perhaps January was a fluke, and Tesla turns it around the second half of the quarter. An update to this article will be due, at some point within the next few weeks.

More generally, we know that Tesla’s quarters always are extremely back-end loaded. Looking historically, almost regardless of geography, the last month in the quarter tends to be by far the biggest.

I have no reason to believe that pattern won’t repeat itself yet again this quarter. However, that also raises the hurdle for what Tesla needs to accomplish in the month of March. With the sequential and year-over-year comps being so high for the final month of the quarter in the past, that leaves precious little room for error this time around March 2018.

Does Tesla have to pre-announce a 42% March quarter sales miss?

We are now four weeks away from the end of the March quarter. Given shipment times to overseas markets, Tesla’s direct sales model, and 3-6 week delivery time for its tiny rate of Model 3 units leaving the factory, Tesla’s management knows right now with some relative precision what its March quarter deliveries will be. Tesla cannot claim to be surprised, in the last week of the quarter, as to what the number turned out to be. That’s simply not a valid excuse for a company which should know this number with a high degree of accuracy at least a month in advance.

For that reason, and with the background of 1Q looking like a 42% miss based on all available numbers, Tesla had better “know” already now, that it can overcome this sales deficit, in order to avoid having to pre-announce a sales miss, before its usual reporting schedule. Remember, Tesla’s policy is to announce a quarter’s deliveries at some point within the first five days of the quarter’s end. We would normally expect Tesla to report the quarterly number right around April 3.

This would be the right thing to do under any normal circumstance, in any quarter. However, this quarter Tesla may have raised the bar on its reporting requirement for any potential shortfall. Why? Because it told one media outlet – BusinessInsider – apparently on February 21 or shortly before, that “Tesla confirmed to Business Insider that the Model S and X delays are due to an increase in demand…”: here.

So what Tesla said – or at least implied to anyone understanding plain English – at that stage of the quarter, was basically that business was not only good, but improving. Given that every single Tesla sales number, from every single geography, that I showed above, was not only bad, but an outright catastrophe, how could Tesla’s statement to BusinessInsider be even remotely true?

I suppose that there is only one way out. Tesla’s statement could, perhaps, be interpreted to have had some accuracy if it knew at the time, based on backlog and shipment schedules, that the month of March was going to redeem itself to the point where there would be massive sales increases beyond the market’s expectations.

If Tesla did not know that at the time, then the clock is now urgently ticking for Tesla to pre-announce what its expected March quarter sales number is expected to be. Tesla knows what the Wall Street consensus number is. Does it have reason to believe it will fall short, despite telling BusinessInsider on February 21 that it is experiencing “an increase in demand?”

Let’s add it all up, where Telsa stands two-thirds through the March quarter (all lines not saying “Model 3” are of course Model S and X only, for Model 3 is sold only in North America thus far):

Europe top 6 countries Jan-Feb

713

Europe other 6 countries Jan

295

Europe other 6 countries Feb (est)

450

Other Europe Jan-Feb (est)

100

North America Jan-Feb

3500

China Jan

830

China Feb (est)

1000

Rest of World Jan-Feb (est)

300

Model 3

4360

TOTAL

11548

As you can see in the table above, based on the best available data to date, plus some estimates to fill the remaining gaps, Tesla sold 11,548 cars in January and February. What is the Wall Street consensus for the March quarter? It’s somewhere around 40,000 units, right? 25,000 Model S and X, plus 15,000 Model 3.

If Tesla knows that it did approximately 11,548 units in January and February combined, and it knows at this point that getting to approximately 40,000 for the March quarter as a whole is all but impossible, is it required to let the investing public know as soon as possible, right now, or is it permissible to wait until after the quarter has ended?

Let’s assume that Tesla magically manages to sell as many cars in March as it did in January and February combined. That means it would end the quarter at 23,096 units (2 x 11,548). Divide by 40,000 and you have 58%. In other words, a 42% shortfall. If you lock in the combined US plus Europe table above, that also yielded a 42% sales decline from the previous quarter.

Amazing coincidence, right? A 42% March quarter sales shortfall, either way.

So when will Tesla pre-announce the number? Will it wait until April 3, plus or minus a couple of days, or will it first try to raise money before it ends up disclosing a material shortfall in sales?

Disclosure: I am/we are short TSLA.

I wrote this article myself, and it expresses my own opinions. I am not receiving compensation for it (other than from Seeking Alpha). I have no business relationship with any company whose stock is mentioned in this article.

Additional disclosure: At the time of submitting this article for publication, the author was short TSLA and long GM. However, positions can change at any time. The author regularly attends press conferences, new vehicle launches and equivalent, hosted by most major automakers.

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