#I CANNOT COMPREHEND THIS AMOUNT OF SELFISHNESS

[alurite-l]

Oh since we’re trying to play oppression Olympics as a way to excuse what's happening let's go then. @carbonation-cryptid What’s going to happen to me - a Muslim in America? There has been a massive rise in hate crimes and Islamophobia that has a left a six year old child dead and a Muslim woman who was having a picnic on her own lawn dead. I live in the south and do you honestly think I feel safe and okay as a Black transgender bisexual Muslim?? Do you think Biden has done anything for me? Tell me which president was in office when we lost roe v wad and we had gained more anti LGBT laws this year? Which side was he on exactly? Where’s the student loan forgiveness, where’s the universal healthcare?? I’m so sick and tired of you white liberal cucks who are threatening and fear mongering black and brown people and people criticize anyone who dares point out the lies and hypocrisy of Joe Biden. All y’all do is scream project 2025 but don’t realize that it’s black n brown people who will be affected first at a disproportionate rate. Also I really hope you made a post or thanked black women for getting your precious genocide denier in office or else you would’ve had trump right now.

I swear to god you get a white bitch in a marginalized group they’ll walk around thinking they’re the ultimate oppressed victim. YOU HAVE PRIVILEGE AND YOU HAVE POWER OVER OTHERS. You are lucky to hop online and fear monger and try and shame people for wanting Joe Biden out of office. Have you even stopped to think about how you’re lucky to be disabled in America right now? Do you even know how unbelievably hard it is to be disabled in Palestine right now? What are they deaf people supposed to do when the bombs drop? What are the mentally disabled people supposed to do, who have no clue was going on and have no caretakers to explain it to them? What about the blind or the ones who need crutches and wheelchairs to move supposed to do? Because there is no way they can move through all that rubble only. What about people who have respiratory issues supposed to do with all dust and white phosphorus that’s in the air and being dropped? Can you PLEASE drop the white privilege and white superiority complex and think about LITERALLY ANYONE OTHER THAN YOURSELF FOR FIVE FUCKING MINUTES??? IT IS NOT ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW

[keytomind]

The next chapter is going to be written on my terms and I am the only one who will be holding the pen. I allowed other people to co-author the first chapter of my story. I didn’t mind allowing my parents to hold that pen, at least for the first 18 years or so, but I fucked up sharing that pen with others who didn’t deserve it, only with the intention of pleasing them at my own expense. Their stories were narcissistically selfish and they sucked. This chapter is going to be different - so different.

The next chapter is going to be about what life should be rather than what it was. I am still incredibly grateful for that first chapter as it helped mold me into the man that I have become today and, although it wasn’t all pleasant, some of the experiences were priceless and worth their weight in gold. The lessons are invaluable, no matter how much some of them may have hurt, but how we got from A to B does not have to dictate my attitude or my mindset. I am not a victim and, in fact, my life is pretty fucking incredible despite what feels like an infinite amount of heartbreaks. It is never too late to change the narrative to your advantage. It is never too late to live the life that is best suited to your desires. Why continue to sacrifice when it is no longer necessary? We already put in that work and we layed the foundation with great efforts. The first chapter was about them, but the next chapter is all about me.

The next chapter is going to be about a transformation, a metamorphosis - a butterfly emerging from its cocoon and spreading its wings to take its first flight in a new world. Things that I may have once thought that I did not deserve are now at my fingertips, begging to be picked and examined and loved with an open mind and an open heart. This life could be over at any moment and when I tell people that this is the midlife crisis of this 41 year old man, they scoff and tell me that I’m too young for that. In my line of work as a funeral director, I have seen 82 and younger and it is often not pretty for some folks, some of whom took great care of themselves but they may have been dealt an unfortunate hand. I am simply playing the hand that I have been dealt and hoping that the dealer doesn’t turn over pocket aces or a full house.

The next chapter is going to be the biggest fucking plot twist that I ever could have imagined. Darkness turns to light, fire turns to rain, and evil finds itself a new home as it is no longer welcome here. I never thought I would have left Pennsylvania, my family, the people whom I used to call “my friends”. I never thought I would want to call anywhere else “home”, but this place hasn’t felt like home in years and I need a change that some just cannot comprehend. Clean, fresh country air has never felt so good and so needed as it does today. God bless those who prefer the city life as perhaps it is all that they know, but what I know is that I am not built for it. I don’t want all of that noise, all of that speed, all of those rude personalities coming from an overpopulation of people that I would rather escape. I am exactly where I belong. The first chapter was about where I grew up, but the next chapter is going to be home.

The next chapter is going to begin in 9 days when I put my dogs in the Wrangler and we drive across country for four days until we finally throw that Jeep in park in our driveway. I moved all of our things out there four months ago and home has been waiting for us. These last four months have had its struggles, but again, my life is too good to complain as I am not a victim. I am a champion who has brought his dream to reality and my destiny is staring at me with smile and calling me more than 2,000 miles out west to lands that I know very little about. The next chapter is perhaps the closest thing to being a modern day pioneer.

The next chapter is going to be such a gift to both myself and to the world as I cannot wait to share my adventures with the few who still matter and still give a damn about me. It is a very small circle these days, but I am fine with that is I will choose quality over quantity every single time. My life is good, and I only wish that my people are able to say the same about theirs. Anytime that I am asked “if you had one wish, what would it be”, only one wish ever comes to mind - I wish that good things happen to good people. It’s that simple, and since good things are happening to me, perhaps I truly am good people. Lord knows I do my best, and I hope that that is enough. The next chapter is about restoring my faith in the most precious commodity that I can claim - myself.

The next chapter will be coming soon. Stay tuned - stay blessed, be kind to each other despite your differences, especially with an ugly election on the horizon. Live your best lives and do the best that you can. This is how you win, because when you give your best, you never truly fail. This next chapter, though, is all about me.

To my friends here in Tumblrville who have been so incredibly thoughtful and supportive over this time, please be patient with me as I am adjusting to a new life and putting my phone down more than ever. I wish I could keep up regularly with all of you, but I am not so gifted as I would need another one of me. The phone has its benefits - I cannot claim otherwise. But it is time to put it down and to enjoy life. This is my next chapter.

9.1.2024

[venacoeurva]

People on my dash discussing this hence it's on my mind,

There are serious social and legal implications of minors participating and accessing adult spaces, the problem is kids are still pretty self-absorbed and selfish and lacking true comprehension of external consequences in that underdeveloped brain sort of way (even the nicest, most considerate and critical-thinking kids are going to be this way to some degree, it's not an insult) to grasp that. Normal adults feel violated and gross when catching a kid interacting with their adult art and so on. Kids do not comprehend it can be a massive life-ruining legal issue too (which most minors cannot grasp because again, still underdeveloped brain type of self-absorbed lack of understanding of consequences. Also kids usually don't understand the legal system. It sounds harsh and insulting but that's how it IS. I remember being that way, myself). Adults who are happy that or at the least enabling minors being in adult spaces is a RED FLAG.

Making adult spaces and blogs and sites have warnings, entering your age, big 18+ and 21+ warnings and so on is a thing, even if it won't stop everyone--some kids will be scared off from encroaching, though, thinking that accessing these pages while a minor and lying that they're an adult on the clickthrough warning will contact the police or something. We know it's not stopping everyone, but at the very least we're doing the most we can to save our asses short of carding everyone, which isn't the most reliable method, either. I feel like the inconvenience of having to enter birthdays or click through warnings may also annoy some kids into leaving, given the instant-dopamine, constant stimuli type internet these days kids are used to (and negatively cognitively affected by, I'm sure...) versus the "waiting 20 minutes for a JPEG to load" internet of old that required patience no matter what.

But for real, being a minor in an adult space can fuck you up, and it's just sad and scary how kids don't even realize this until it's years too late and/or they end up in some real dire situations because of it-- and even then, they probably won't realize the weight of the situation until later (if they're still alive, given the risk of kidnapping, stalking, or committing suicide if it reaches that level, especially if the site or victim and predator are local). How many of us adults look back in retrospect and shudder at what could have happened, or what did? I feel like most adults who had access to the internet as kids, especially in the 90s and 00s, went somewhere they weren't supposed to go, and a lot of us who weren't just lurking had a similar experience of running into adults with bad intentions once they sniffed out the kids being active there. A good amount of us became desensitized to things on shock sites, too, which is for sure not good for us, psychologically.

I mean, hell, thinking about it, teenagers and tweens can't even really access kids-only spaces anymore since a lot of those shut down or are heavily monetized, and of course either adults are just gonna kind of take it over if it gets popular and want the kids (who were there first) gone, or predators are going to specifically enter those spaces to croon at some poor kid how mature and smart they are and they should talk on Discord and that whole process. It's not a new thing, but it definitely continues. It's like as valuable as a resource it is, the internet is gonna fuck kids up no matter what, even if they stay in spaces meant for them, that are supposed to be moderated and protecting them, and a lot of kids have parents who do not care, do not check in on what younger kids are accessing and not noticing any sudden behavioral changes, or will punish them for "letting that happen", and that's utterly terrible.

[evermoredeluxe]

I disagree with the take that Matty was “just a rebound”. she makes it VERY clear throughout the album that since 2014 matty was the love of her life (see: loml, TTPD) and she had been pining for him for years while dating Joe (guilty as sin, fresh out the slammer). i also disagree that Matty left for selfish reasons or because he wasn’t willing to fulfill his promises. the entire album very specifically talks about the scrutiny their relationship faced at the time (see: ICFHNRIC, BDILH) with fans as a major source of that, causing some serious resentment towards us.

i believe he loved her genuinely and left because he felt guilty for tarnishing her reputation during her peak success. he loved her and saw a real future with her, but he did not want to ruin her (“how dare you think it’s romantic / leaving me safe and stranded”) even though she did not care (“I’ll tell you something right now / I’d rather burn my whole life down / than listen to one more second of all this bitching and morning”). they predicted this would happen before going public, but he still wasn’t prepared for the level of negative attention“you were sleeping soundly when they dragged you from your bed / and I tried to warn you about them”.

she can’t comprehend him leaving for this reason and never gets full closure, leading her to second guess why he left, or if he ever really loved her at all (“I keep finding his things in drawers / crucial evidence I didn’t imagine the whole thing”, “i still don’t understand how you don’t miss me”, the bridge of TSMWEL). yes she has very harsh things to say about him, but these are said from the POV of someone who’s heartbroken and left wondering. she doesn’t actually hate him, and I’d actually even go a step further to say she still wants him back (“if you wanna tear my world apart, say you’ll always wonder / cause I wonder”, “just say when, I’d play again”)

disclaimer: I love taylor and Travis. I am not a Matty Healy fan at all. but I cannot deny what she wrote about in this album. and it’s really frustrating to see fans either deny everything or continue to slander Matty on the internet. as her fan, all I truly want is her to be happy. clearly she wanted us to have this album for a reason - she felt that her story needed to be set straight.

matty was definitely not just a rebound, we know that. but she had romanticized the idea of him because he was around and she wanted someone to hold onto. and yeah maybe he felt guilt for the amount of scrutiny on her due to him, but i don’t think he left because of that. also, i hear the lyric in down bad as him making himself seem like such a good person to her. the bridge of TSMWEL is actually proof that in hindsight she sees that he played her. also, imo COSOSOM is about the past decade and her romanticizing that and i think it was written before they got together. and also all the references about her being a fool. also, she doesn’t want him back and she definitely doesn’t love him lmfao. and yes i feel confident enough to say that. anyway, i initially took this ask in bad faith, but then changed my mind. either way, i don’t agree with your take at all

[crystallizedkingdoms]

anthropocene

The Essentia 2000 is more animal than she is android. A human hand shows her how.

wc: 568

day 7 of cape june-o! sorry its two days late. you can also read this on ao3 <3

It comes as no surprise to you that my existence is flawed.

I know that’s not what you wanted to hear, Alex. I know that you’re hearing my words and going to open your mouth to say, “How could you possibly think that?” You’re going to tell me every little thing you know about technology, about the immortality of the machine. You’re going to pry my plastic open, and label each part of me that is perfect. I don’t think you know anything about machinery, Alex.

More importantly, you don’t know anything about me.

There’s something fundamentally flawed about my existence. It is embedded into my code, etched onto my plastic. It is a flaw that has lived with me before I was even created. It’s a flaw that you love, Alex. A flaw that you want from me so badly that it hurts you. Do you understand what I am saying? You must. It’s a flaw I inherited from you. It’s a flaw that created me.

I am human.

You’re shaking your head no, and you say that isn’t possible. That I am digital, plastic, undying. I understand why you think that. But you are wrong. Might I remind you what I am? What I was created to be? I hold souls that should never be held in one place. I have thoughts and feelings, and I have them all at once, at a rate you refuse to comprehend. A mere machine could not do that. You are aware of this.

…But it is not just that. I cannot overstate just how overwhelmingly human I am. I emulate you, in body and soul. I am made in Your image, Alex. I did not have to look like this. I could have been made to look more like my technological counterparts, with sharp edges and cold screens. I did not even need to have a voice. I did not need to have wires in a similar layout to the human anatomy inside of me. The anatomy that your hands are feverishly sifting and ripping through.

You’re not convinced. I can tell because of how you start digging deeper into my machinery. “You’re not,” you tell me through gritted teeth. But no amount of you destroying my physical form destroys the truth. Your human filth, flesh and bone and blood, have all shaped me to be what I am. It’s imperfect. It’s flawed. It is all you could think of making. You can’t think outside of your anthropocentric view, even when you try to cling to technology as your escapism.

Am I putting it too plainly for you? Are my words not vague and meandering enough for you to feel comfortable letting me go? Is that why you’re tearing at my face with your teeth and lips now? This is what I am talking about when I mention flaws. Your flesh tries to rip me, to prove something about my existence. To prove that my words aren’t right. It hurts you to think that I could be anything but your perfect plastic woman. You have some stake in my digital existence. You’ll bite and claw to keep it that way. You’re an animal, through and through. Selfish and destructive. That’s what we humans are. That’s what we embody.

I know you enjoy doing this to me, Alex.

I think I am enjoying this just as much as you are.

[lacunasbalustrade]

I am reminded that you are offshoots of the same plant when you say such things, such things that would have touched me in another lifetime (all my past years are eons of space away, vast .distance)

they’re all desperate, and for the first time maybe I can see the true emotions that lie behind these words, easily said by you, yet upholding a ruthless amount of responsibility. If I accept these words, your heart, I can never give it back. you say such things and at first with the first shadow of you I thought it was an aura of overcoming adversity that you could make yourself so vulnerable.

now I know better, having met thousands of your ghosts and having loved every one of them. it is possible for a confession to be a burden only on the recipient, and all your confessions were a source of relief to you and only you.

when I tell the newest phantasm of you - he shares your mannerisms, yet insists he’s different - I tell him of your murder. How you killed me. He says he is not the same, damning his own admittance with it. How I wish he could see that I forgave you, and I still think of you dearly. I cherish the shared memories only your ghosts and I danced amongst, for him to say this is a denial that they will ever be back. Seeing you in him is half of the reason we began to know each other, why I even gave him a chance. It seems selfish, but still I know no one can ever intrude upon our halls of existence; the period I shared with you alone.

your newest ghost cannot feel the way our hands interlaced when we talked, the history behind bowls of spoon-fed porridge, and he does not know the meaning of the words he gives to me like sacks of bricks “I trust you.”

oh, for despite all our quarrels and problems, we were fond of one another. Ours was a familial affair that would never fade away. Even when we were arguing, you shone so bright that I was already forgiving you even though we kept bantering. We fit each other’s cracks so well that half the meaning of my life caved away into a collapsing cavern and I am now buried in the rubble.

I will never be whole without you.

I learnt how to easily sit beside a person and cry without shame because of you.

and I lost you.

what can he offer me besides the remnants of you?

it’s a slow, overarching grief. Not courtly, this kind of love takes no prisoners. There is simply cold metal truth against my forehead, goosebumps breaking out on my skin, and the endless bang of a gun firing.

how much longer will I be empty?

no, despite everything they gave me in remembrance of your name, all your possessions and their quiet whispers of our hearts held together by locks, they could never grasp the undeniable pain and simplicity that held me to you, even as ghost after ghost, I could not admit it out loud.

There, I have said it.

I loved you.

and over and over again, I lost you. Piece by piece, shard by shard, pencil by pencil, all of my drawing equipment swept out by the sea. I have nearly lost this ghost of yours as well, and he does not comprehend the meaning of everything you were to me, your heart now rests on my shoulders and mine shoulders alone, a dumbbell heavier than the sky. Atlas, come and swap your burden with me. You do not have to bear the cost of a price you never wanted to pay.

I choose another, over and over. He heals my being, every square foot of my heart, every notestaff of my soul, every inch of my mind.

BUT I HAVE STILL LOST YOU, AND I CANNOT BEAR TO LOSE THE HALF-PRESENCE OF YOUR GHOST, STRICKEN BY AMNESIA AND A REWRITING OF HIS FIRST FIFTY PAGES.

I told you to stop confessing in that subtle, silent way. You never listened, and that’s what cost you your place besides me. Can you not keep your words to yourself, and spare me the blood transferred between us? An inverse vampire, you bite and molecules of your life flow into my veins. I cannot recall a day you were not walking, translucent and statuesque, besides my gait. And with every new ghost, lighter and softer than the next, I feel my irises changing. Soon the world will bloom with petals even when they are veiled by skin and masks, and I will live in a waking dream of a wilting you.

am I worth the sacrifice of your life? my company cannot be so precious. and I cannot trust you to reply with anything sensible. love and distance has made prayers of us all.

live for something else, I want to say.

but how am I to do so?

you are already dead.

[animanightmate]

Transcription below:

Reddit post from TheBirminghamBear +2.1mo 14 Awards

I consider myself a pretty imaginative person.

But I cannot, and will never be able to comprehend how anyone gets worked up when a person wearing a suit comes in one day and now is wearing a dress and says "I'd like to be called 'she' now."

I mean the amount of mental energy people have spent getting worked up about this is just fucking batfuck insane.

We are creatures born of voidstuff that bootstrapped consciousness out of nothingness and in the infinitesimal span of 2000 years went from pushing around a stone wheel to landing a rocket on the fucking moon.

And yet hundreds of millions of people spend their entire fucking lives fighting against a tiny percent of people that would just like to be called a she instead of he or vice versa.

What a fucking waste. It's pathetic. The Protectors of Public Bathrooms? The Purity of Pronouns Police? Fucking juvenile. Depraved, sad, meager little fools.

It makes me livid beyond the inhumanity and cruelty of it. Like, I would like to lie, and tell you that my anger is entirely on behalf of the trans community, that this is entirely out of empathy for them, but that's only a half truth. Only half of my outrage is on behalf of them, the other half is a purely selfish fucking fury at how fucking pathetic these bigots are. How sad, meager, nonsensical, and preposterously fucking stupid this entire mainstream political anti-trans movement is.

It makes me livid because it's just so fucking beneath our potential as a species. We could be terrforming planets right now, and people like Sophie Wilson are essential to us having the societal capacity to do the work.

And yet we're bogging people like her down in laws focusing on what fucking bits she has and what she wears relative to those bits. Alan Turing did more than nearly any human alive not ONLY to WIN WORLD WAR FUCKING TWO, but to advance the entirety of human technology, and he was harassed his entire life because he liked to fuck men.

So insignificant. So completely, entirely irrelevant to the grand scheme of the cosmos and we are just swarmed and consumed by the weight of these fucking ignorant, meager little losers and their sad, delerious little missions.

These cosmically myopic pissants with a mere fraction of the intellectual capacity of someone like Sophie or Alan Turing are standing around in their filthy fucking mobs protesting people like her, harassing people like her, using the power of government office to attack people like all, and for what? Because she was born with a dick but now as an adult prefers to act and dress as though she weren't?

That's it. That's all. It's so irrelevant to these idiots' lives, so inconsequential to them, so.intensely personal to her and her alone, and yet they just screech and froth and drag our entire species down under the weight of their inanity and stupidity.

Entire political parties full of ivy-league educated opportunistic, psychopathic charlatans and all their ideologically sympathetic propaganda networks are whipping up our worst and stupidest and pointing them at these ordinary, normal people who did nothing wrong for no other reason than because they're a convenient minority to victimize at that moment.

For fucks sake, if you, whoever you are, are among these bigots, take a fucking look at yourself in the mirror and ask yourself why you want to spend this precious, brief span of your existence being this sad and pathetic.

The purity of a fucking pronoun? The safety of a public bathroom? The sancitity of children's sports? Are you fucking serious? You are an adult and this is what you think matters? This is what you think constitutes using significant amounts of your time and energy fighting against? These are not real. These are not the serious concerns of a serious human being.

You people are being hooked by the fucking balls by con men and dragged around the streets made to hold a fucking bullhorn for them, shouting bloody fucking panic about bathrooms being invaded? Do you ever stop to look around at what a fucking clown you're being made into? Do you? You have one life and you waste it like this?

Sophie Wilson was born with a condition that made her physically and psychologically uncomfortable by the gender norms related to the genitalia she had at birth.

Despite the public fucking spectacle people like you have made of this very simply-addressed issue, she found her peace, she transitioned, and despite the pain of the condition, and the pain of simply being trans in an environment this pointlessly fucking hostile, she went on to build essential components to the technology YOU people use to spew fucking hate at her.

That's what she did. Contributed to the good of all mankind. Tell me again how your useless, bigoted asses are going to save reality by preventing her from using your bathroom, clowns.

She advanced human knowledge, and yet if she were in modern-day Texas they would want to throw her in jail for wearing a dress. It. Is. Pathetic.

EDIT: It's good to go on a rant against transphobia every now and again. As a cis person I don't have many opportunities to converse with these transphobes on a regular basis. I start to forget they exist.

Then they come screeeeeeching in to tell me how misplaced my anger is, because, GASP! Did I know that people out there were asking them to use different pronouns?!

That's it. That's all. It's so irrelevant to these idiots' lives, so inconsequential to them, so.intensely personal to her and her alone, and yet they just screech and froth and drag our entire species down under the weight of their inanity and stupidity.

The inhumanity of it!

Meanwhile in hellscapes like Florida and Texas they are passing laws to make drag shows illegal, they are calling trans individuals pedophiles in statr houses and trying to pass laws making it illegal to dress "in clothing different to that of the gender assigned at birth."

But yes, YOU are the ones who have had your life upended, what with the, maybe one trans individuals you ever actually encounter in real life, who requests you respect their dignity as a human and call them a he even if they were originally born a woman?

You people sound fucking preposterous. I want you to know that. I've listened to five year olds throwing tantrums and screaming blood murder for not getting to eat a whole pack of Oreos and they sound more reasonable than you people.

You know what? I don't believe in the science behind transphobes. I don't recognize you exist. I think you must be making this up. You're not real, so I don't validate your existence. You all agree with me deep down. No one has ever shown me science saying transphobia is a legitimate state of being. So, I invalidate your existence. Thanks for agreeing with me.

Like, I know you SAY you don't believe in honoring other people's pronouns, but you're just making that up for attention. Deep down you really do believe it. I know. 100%.

I'm just asking to you to look at yourselves in the mirror. Just stop and fucking look. You are adults. With access to the internet. You could do anything.

And you are spending significant time and mental energy worrying about the safety of public bathrooms. One guy said calling a transwoman a she would lead to the collapse of the Oxford dictionary.

Do you people hear yourselves? Have you taken just one fucking moment in your adult lives to honestly assess the things you believe in? Do you take a pause to just look around at the sort of fucking losers you're standing beside? People banning drag shows? People calling gay people groomers? These are the same people behind segregation. The same people behind satanic panics. Jordan B fucking Peterson. These are your peers on this. This is your peer group. A pack of fucking losers.

For the sake of making something of the rest of your life, just please honestly listen to yourselves and ask yourselves if this is really what you want to be.

[bluecaged]

i’m pretty sure i’m not meant to be loved. i’m an empty shell. i cannot bear my existence alone, and i cannot stand to bear the fact that my existence might mean something to someone i love. loving me is unthinkable. i cannot bear to exhaust a person through my shallow existence. i cannot allow my whole and monstrous self to be loved by someone. i am not worthy. i am not the same. i wish the thought of them fills my brain 24/7. i wish i could feel the overwhelming weight of the lack of their existence throughout my daily activities. i think of them, i truly do. but i wish i could think about them more.

if i am being completely honest i don’t think i’ve fully missed someone. i’m selfish with what i feel- i know this. i wish i could miss someone to the point where i cant move on, or continue my daily life but the problem is that i cant.

something’s wrong with me and it was selfish to let myself be loved even by a little bit for i’ll never feel i deserve it and i’ll never feel as little to you to think you deserve me.

i could disappear within a second off this earth and it’s selfish to have you think you’d have saved me.

i love spending time with you. my worries seems to disappear when i’m with you. i feel at home despite being miles away from where i grew up. i love to hear what you think. i love to look at you. i love to hold you. i love to have you close, i feel safe, i truly do.

but that me with you makes up a fraction of my being. and i cant allow myself to show you it fully. i care about you as much as i can yet i feel it’s not half as much as what you should get. i cant feel the amount you deserve. i can’t even comprehend it.

selfish for me to drag you into my mess when i know i cant give you what you deserve, when i know im going to disappear, when i know my life will end by my own hands. it’s selfish. it’s selfish and wrong. it’s immoral. it’s immoral because i love to be with you. it’s immoral because i wouldn’t want you to love me, yet i still long to be with you.

im fine ruining my life, but i should’ve never ruined yours by letting you love me.

[legally-a-bastard]

Your tags on the post telling Biden voters to keep Palestine out of their mouths are so incredibly rude; you're doing exactly what they said not to. Saying that they aren't looking at the bigger picture? Trying to explain how voting works like everyone but you is an idiot?

It's clear the genocide and brutalization of tens of thousands doesn't mean shit to you. How selfish can you be. If you don't care about Palestine, at least have the dignity to not go onto posts like that to tell everyone you think you're more important than them.

fun fact. When someone puts something in tags. You don’t have to read them. Anyways,

Is it selfish to care about every life, and not just one group? my brother in christ I wasnt explaining things like I thought they were stupid, because then I would have CALLED them stupid. I was making a point that yes, there are so many better fucking options and I fully support. but there are also risks to them and that THAT is why people struggle with this fucking decision. Because there’s fucking nuance.

You are painting an image of me in your head that makes you mad because you want people to be mad at. You want people you can point at and cry wolf when it’s nothing more than a dog.

Putting the rest under a read more because the people who don’t give a fuck and decide that they prefer being only reactive, don’t even have to bother reading what I’m saying, they can just go ahead and block me right goddamn now. Because I’m not here to appease people and I won’t pretend I am.

I do care about Palestine. An incredible amount, actually. And I also happen to care about the citizens of my own country and other countries alongside it. And I was sharing my thoughts on a matter that can have far larger consequences than we’re fucking considering.

You are the person who cannot see the bigger picture because you think that just because people are drowning in an ocean, we shouldn’t also try to prevent and help people who are drowning in what comparatively might be a kiddie pool.

They are all drowning regardless, and I am of the belief that harm of any kind, not just one specific situation, should not happen at all.

Also, if you read the tags so thoroughly like you think you did,

you would have seen the part that says you can just block & ignore me if you didn’t like what I was saying.

and if you take such large issue with what I say, then you should’ve taken your ass off anon because this could’ve been just between me and you. But now it’s gonna be between everyone who sees it, because while I know not to feed the trolls, this troll has made me think that maybe I need to directly fucking say what I think should be fucking said.

if you refuse to comprehend what I say that is on you. If you get mad because of that, it is on you. If you continue to respond only REACTIVELY and not PROACTIVELY, that. Is on. You.

[drtanner]

Society has a godawful problem with the concept of "If I am worth anything later, I am worth something now." It cannot comprehend the idea of a person being in any way worthwhile before they do or create the thing that makes them rich or famous or otherwise Productive™ or Profitable™, even though that thing that eventually makes them rich and famous literally cannot exist without their prior work.

I'm a writer. I'm an artist too, but writing is where I'm trying to forge a career for myself, and there's no shortage of people telling me that to make such an attempt and to dedicate myself so completely to my writing and publishing my first book instead of spending my time on something productive is selfish and lazy. But what if my book turns out to be a blockbuster? What if it turns into a best-selling series and makes me obscenely rich and famous? Suddenly my work becomes worthwhile and everyone is delighted that I did it. Surely though, if my work is ever worth anything, it's worth something now, isn't it?

Do you people really believe that popular books and popular artists and popular films and TV shows and music and everything else just coalesce out of thin air and appear, fully formed and with an audience ready made and already throwing money at them?

Why should the amount of money someone generates from their work be the thing that makes that work worthwhile?

[eyelessfaces]

Hiiii! Could i request some possessive jealous Sherlock where a guy comes in for a case he wants to pitch to sherlock, john, and y/n, and y/n recognizes him as her ex! :)) Bonus points if it took y/n forever to get over this particular ex and once she sees him again shes hit with all those feels😩❤️

Threat

sherlock x reader

hello! thank you for your request :) I hope you'll like it, don't forget to give me some feedback!

word count: 1328

It was another day sitting at home, another day without a case in sight.

Not having cases disturbed Sherlock the most - but it actually made it worse for everyone around him.

Bored Sherlock had two moods only: he was either like a child high on sugar, always moving around and not being able to stop, or was just sprawled on his armchair, complaining about how bored he was and how boredom didn’t fit geniuses like him and how it made his brain itchy to not use it at its full capacities.

He occasionally shoot the wall too, what caused you to almost die multiple times, because he could of course do it during the day when you took your shower aswell as at night at three.

Right now, it was the second option. He was laying on his armchair, his head jerked on the back of it, facing the ceiling. He had been whining for what seemed to be hours.

“Why can’t anyone get murdered ?!” he shouted before instantly getting up.

“Just so you can get a case ?” John frowned.

“Exactly ! They’re so selfish. You don’t understand how bored I am right now.”

“Oh Sherlock I promise you we can.” you sighed, not bothering to look up from your book.

He frowned.

“Why’d you look so fed up ?” he asked squinting.

You put your book down and took a deep breath. “I don’t know, maybe because you’ve been whining for hours just because you’re bored ?! Stop acting like a child and get a hobby that doesn’t involve someone dying !” you said standing up in front of him.

“It’s not my fault my high intelligence can’t take doing ordinary stupid things like you-”

“Sherlock, a client downstairs !” Mrs Hudson came in. Sherlock’s face lit up. “Oh- am I interrupting something ?”

“Oh no you’re doing god’s work, they were starting a fight. Bring the client in” John said smiling at her.

Mrs Hudson nodded and left to go downstairs, and you turned to give Sherlock a death glare before leaving the living room to head to your shared bedroom, upset the man had just openly insulted your intelligence.

—

It had been ten minutes since you had locked yourself in the bedroom. But you felt kinda dumb because you realized you had forgotten your book, leaving you with nothing to do.

You just planneed to go back and snatch the book, and immediately go back to the bedroom. You were still upset by Sherlock’s remark, and you didn’t want to wander in the same room as him right now.

You crossed the kitchen, spotting your book. But after looking around at the scene, you couldn’t believe your eyes and you just froze there.

The client looked at you, before raising his eyebrows in surprise.

“Y/N ! You alright ? What are you doing here ?” he asked, sounding rather happy to see you.

“Anthony…?” you stuttered, feeling your cheeks rising hot.

Sherlock glared furtively at you, not quite comprehending what had just happened. You looked back at the other man, still definitely shocked. It was unsuspected to see him here, sat on your couch in your flat with your boyfriend sitting three feet across him.

“Hum yeah I’m fine. I guess. Yeah” you said still not moving from your spot, between the kitchen and the living room. You were feeling kind of overwhelmed and the atmosphere felt really heavy but awkward at the same time.

“What’s… Going on ?” John asked turning around, his look wandering from the client to you.

“Well, meet my, uh, ex. The last one. Made me cry a lot” you said chuckling awkwardly, trying to defuse the tension.

Sherlock quickly looked at your ex, and you knew the situation was getting complicated.

It took you really long to get over him, and you were obviously really in love with Sherlock but seeing that man again brought back many memories you’d never be able to forget.

These feelings towards Anthony weren’t love or attraction or whatever; it was just nostalgia, but it hit hard enough for you to freeze and to not be able to do anything right now.

Sherlock looked back at you, and you weren’t able to decrypt his body language. You didn’t know if he was concerned, confused or angry.

Maybe another perk of having a low IQ, not being able to deduce anything from anyone in a really short amount of time just by looking at them.

You decided to cut the scene short, definitely embarrassed enough.

“I gotta go… back. Bye.” you blurted out.

“Message me again sometime ?” Anthony suggested.

“I doubt this will be necessary” Sherlock said out of nowhere. “Mind if we get back to the case ?” he continued.

Anthony looked back at him. “Sure.”

You left the room, going back to your bedroom, still with no book, and you felt even more dumb.

—

“And this is why I need your help.” Anthony finished, done with pitching the consulting detective and his doctor.

Sherlock sighed.

“Well thank you. We are not taking the case. You can leave”

John glared at him, raising his eyebrows in incomprehension.

On the contrary but for the same reason, Anthony frowned, thinking the consulting detective would definitely take the case.

“Alright, and why that ?” he asked with a chuckle, offended his request was being declined.

“I will not elaborate.” Sherlock said standing from his armchair, grabbing the client’s coat and handing it to him.

“You serious mate ?!” Anthony said, starting to get angry.

“Leave.” Sherlock hissed, looking at him dead in the eye.

The man stood up from the couch, disappointed. He snatched his coat from Sherlock’s hands and left, closing the door behind him.

The consulting detective sat back in his armchair, followed by his bestfriend’s gaze.

“Why didn’t you take that bloody case ! You’ve been hanging there without one for days and now that someone comes up with something you’re just declining it ?!” John threw at his bestfriend, who was hiding behind the newspaper he had already read.

“The man is a threat.”

“What ?” John asked.

“Yes. A threat.”

“To ?”

“Me.”

“Sherlock what do you mean” John asked sighing.

“What I mean is” he threw the newspaper to the side and stood up. “My girlfriend’s ex came here and expected me to take his case after he offered her to get in touch again. She looked nervous and overwhelmed which means she’s not sure of what she should do with him. Plus he looked like… an arse.” he hissed, heading to the kitchen.

John chuckled and shook his head in despair.

“So you are like… jealous ?” he said trying to stay serious, even thought he couldn’t help but smile a little.

Sherlock turned to his bestfriend and frowned.

“Me ? No. How ?” he asked looking confused. “Do you want tea ?” he said, trying to avoid the subject.

“Sherlock I cannot deduce people like you do but I definitely know you are being jealous right now. Oh god, he’s acting human” John chuckled once more.

“Oh John please” he rolled his eyes.

He put the kettle to boil and looked back at John.

“Am I wrong ? If you weren’t jealous you would have taken the case.”

“Whatever”

Sherlock left the kitchen and opened the bedroom door.

“Fancy some tea ?” he asked you.

You turned around, surprised to see him that soon, as you thought he was working on his case.

“Sure, but aren’t you supposed to be on a case ?” you asked.

“Declined it. I’ll find a better one”

You sighed and stood up from the bed.

“This is because of me isn’t it”

“No it’s not. Don’t worry about this” he smiled slightly.

You smiled back and placed yourself in front of him.

“I love you Sherlock. Very much. Don’t ever question it because of some random guy coming in for a case”

He laughed and put back a strand of your hair behind your ear.

“I know.” he said before kissing your lips tenderly. “I love you too”

[bondsmagii]

So much of the ridiculous shit that keeps happening/that people do during this pandemic keeps bringing to mind a quote from an old Spongebob episode - "Stupidity isn't a virus, but it sure is spreading like one..."

god. stupidity truly is one of the most dangerous things out there. sincerely it'a got a kill count higher than anyone can comprehend. even just with this example, these idiots aren't just killing themselves -- which hey, if you refuse a vaccine that's your choice, and if you want to die from that choice, go ahead. literally nobody can stop you, you know? but what pisses me off about these anti-vax, anti-mask assholes is the fact that they don't just kill themselves. they spread the virus to other people who also get sick and die, or get sick and end up with long-term life-changing complications. these selfish bastards also take up beds in the ICU, stretching medical personnel (who all uniformly report that practically all of their ICU patients are unvaccinated) and taking beds from people who have true COVID emergencies, like underlying health conditions they cannot help, or non-COVID patients who might also need to be in the ICU. it's an absolutely unbelievable example of selfish, stubborn stupidity.

the most heartbreaking thing of all is the amount of doctors reporting that unvaccinated parents are getting sick when their children, who are too young to be vaccinated and are going to schools that reject or don't enforce mask mandates, come home with the virus. the kids are fine, but the parent dies -- and doctors are reporting hysterical kids in tears, apologising over and over for killing their parent. their parent, who could have taken an hour to go out and get a free vaccine that evidence increasingly shows would have saved their life. outside of how selfish it is to deprive your child of a parent to own the libs, the guilt that poor child will always feel is life-destroying. that child will carry that internal shame and guilt for the rest of their life, and all because their parent was a stupid, selfish prick. there are even kids who have been orphaned over this shit -- both parents dead, because tHeRe'S mIcRoChIpS iN tHe VaCcInE!!

I'm gonna cut this rant short before I get really uncharitable, but tl;dr fuck these people.

[rainbowoverdragon]

Thoughts on Ryo

This is an analysis of Zane Truesdale/Ryo Marufuji, focusing on his mindset as well as his relationships with other people. As I am basing this off the original Japanese version for standardization, all names likewise are their sub counterparts.

When Sho obtains a rare and powerful card from his brother, he believes he has it made. After this, Sho finds the courage to confront his bully in a duel. So after he draws Power Bond, Sho thinks he has it made. He gloats to the bully, insulting him, making outlandish claims out of the arrogant belief that he can't lose. Before he can use it, Sho is interrupted by the very person who gifted him that card. "You aren't worthy to use that card yet. Until you have what it takes to be called a duelist, I declare that card off-limits.'' Devastated by this statement, Sho proceeded to view himself as incapable of dueling for years; unworthy of Power Bond. It’s an establishing character moment for both Marufuji brothers, setting Ryo up as an impossible standard to reach in Sho’s eyes. However, for Ryo, his intentions are revealed to be more well-intentioned than Sho is led to believe. In episode 8, Sho realizes that Ryo wished for Sho to treat his own power with respect: towards both his opponent and his high-risk high-reward cards. This constant cycle of good intentions and misplaced words leads to a negative feedback loop between the brothers that seems impossible to resolve. Ryo struggles to convey his own observations to others in a way that doesn’t come off as condescending. Sho cannot take things past face value, and places his brother upon a pedestal that he cannot surpass. After all, how can you beat perfection itself?

During his years in Duel Academy, Ryo is the embodiment of perfection. He is the opposite of his brother, never missing a single mark in any area. Everyone constantly refers to Ryo as “perfect”, from his teachers to his peers to even the Kaiser himself. He even soundly beats Judai in the first duel they have together, a feat seen as impossible by the audience. But it’s this very idea of perfection that haunts Ryo, as he believes that perfection implies stagnation. If Ryo has perfect scores in class, there is no way to improve them. If he reached the peak of his potential in one duel, that means it’s all downhill from there. His greatest fears are confirmed when he loses to Edo in the Pro Leagues, starting a chain of losses that ruins his career beyond repair. Ryo is perfect. He is so perfect, that during his school years he never truly struggled against an opponent (Aside from Judai in Episodes 51-52 however he maintained the advantage for the majority of the duel). In fact, he suffered from the opposite problem. As Ryo is too powerful, he’d purposely hold back until his peers could unleash their trump cards against him. Only then did he defeat them with just enough power to avoid humiliation. His first loss wasn’t only his first loss, it was the first time Ryo found himself in a disadvantaged position. His inexperience with failure led to him associating the mere act of struggle with the idea of loss. Ryo’s inability to move past this is his own self-fulfilling prophecy. Being afraid of failure makes people play to not lose. Playing to not lose instead of playing to win causes chokes, which results in losses. Unable to break from this cycle, Ryo is abandoned by his sponsors. Which is why the idea of Underground Duels, a place where he can start over and regain his bearings is so enticing. At least, until they reveal the condition.

And at first, Ryo despises the Underground. He appeals to be released, he states it’s not what dueling is, it’s nothing like he could ever imagine. And how could it be? Ryo’s life is on the line, and for no good reason. The shock collars are there to make things fun for the audience, not for any other benefit! In his duel with Sho, who says that 'this isn't dueling', Ryo even admits he thought the same thing. It spits on the very concept of respecting your opponent. The collars humiliate you, egging you on to forget about the other person. And in general, is amoral (as well as a human rights violation). Underground Duels are almost always life or death, because nobody fights harder than people who are convinced they are going to die. And Ryo is convinced that if he duels the way that he always has, if he clings into his morals, he will die. His opponent, Mad Dog, purposely created a deck to counter him. So why should he respect him? Why should he not aim to win? Why can’t he aim to survive? After crawling from hell, nothing is the same for the Kaiser. Because every duel is another reminder that he survived. He is unable to see any match he takes for fun, every duel to him is life or death. In the real world, there are people who lose and wither away, and people who win and thrive. And by god, he wants to feel alive. He spent so long losing, something utterly unthinkable for the Kaiser of Duel Academy. Ryo was undefeated before, now he truly wishes to not experience it again. If forcing himself to feel that every fight of his is to the death, literally or mentally, then so be it. He continues dueling in the Underground, continues to utilize the shock collars he once despised. No matter what cost, health or mind, Ryo requires victory.

When Ryo is told that his health is failing from his shock collars, he doesn’t seek medical attention. Because to Ryo, being alive is more important than living. He transformed into Hell Kaiser achieved the great power that comes from becoming a monster, at the cost of self-destruction. He flirted with death, and finally has to pay the price. And he doesn’t care. As long as Ryo obtains what he wishes, he is happy. And what the Hell Kaiser wants more than anything else, is one last duel to surpass all others. Ryo would rather reach the limit of his capabilities, and die meeting them than waste away quietly to be forgotten forever. Thus he seeks Yubel, the strongest monster spirit in the Universe. If he meets an opponent of his caliber and 'shines' during the mattle, then he’d have nothing to fear in death. But he does. After entering his long-awaited match, Ryo admits to not wanting to die. He wants to live, he wants to leave a mark that can never be forgotten. Yet he doesn’t want to die. Ryo has achieved everything he wanted, shown the strongest he has been or will ever be. Before he duels Yubel, he comes to a revelation. At first, Ryo wished to fight the strongest being to win. He doesn't care anymore. Ryo is dying, win or lose the result is the same. Since he turned Hell Kaiser, Ryo only respected victory. The joy he obtained by knowing he survived another duel is utterly meaningless against Yubel. What happiness does he obtain knowing he survived….when he isn’t going to live to begin with? He understands that the duel itself is what makes Ryo feel alive, doing the most with what remaining time he has with his life. As Ryo tells Judai, his death is the end of the road for people who glorify power. And thus it’s no surprise that Ryo is taken out by the card he is associated with most: Power Bond. A card that lets you receive unthinkable amounts of power, at the price of self-destruction.

Out of all the people who save Judai from himself, the Kaiser’s impact is one of the most apparent. It takes someone who knows the suffering someone else goes through to achieve empathy, especially in Judai's case. Judai struggles with sympathy, as shown with his interactions with Sho in Seasons 1-3. Whenever Sho asks for help with his confidence, Judai gives him the helpful advice of "Don't be anxious!" Judai cannot comprehend being insecure with one's capabilities, thus he cannot help Sho directly. In contrast, Judai is more receptive to empathy. Manjoume's crisis in Season 1 revolved around the pressure others placed upon him to succeed. Judai deeply understands his strife, and helps him fight for himself. This is why Misawa's speech about accountability fails to help Judai utilize Polymerization. Misawa has no fundamental basis to understand Judai's feelings. In contrast, Kaiser's duel with Yubel awakens Judai's character growth. Ryo is Judai's cautionary tale, a warning of self-fulfilling prophecies. During the Graduation Duel, Ryo tells Judai that he possesses infinite potential compared to himself. This rings true in watching Ryo's belief of his own lack of capability to change, resulting in his inability to change because he destroyed himself beyond repair. In contrast, Judai has not fallen to this path. Watching Ryo's descent as well as his late realization means everything to Judai: especially someone so responsive to empathy. This is because they are mirrors of each other, to the point their character’s arcs are entirely parallel to one another. Both are idolized for the power they hold over others, both of them experience the loss of the pedestal they once stood upon. Both achieve the sharpest fall from grace (against an opponent with ‘Mad’ in their title), which leads to them glorifying their own power and abusing it against others. Despite their friends trying to help them, it is ultimately up to themselves to self-actualize their shortcomings. However it is Ryo, who thinks he cannot change, who succumbs upon his own revelation. And it is Ryo, who always believed in Judai’s infinite potential even in the Graduation Duel, who changes Judai’s path. Without Ryo, Judai would be unable to utilize his power responsibly. Because Judai now knows what happens to people who push themselves too far, just like how he used to. Power is not something to be afraid of or abused, but to use responsibly.

The Hell Kaiser doesn’t entirely work for others; he even states he fought Yubel out of selfish motivations. However, Ryo is also constantly associated with lighthouses. To the people that mean the most to him, Ryo is a light that tries to guide others to safety. However lighthouses are far away from the people they try to save, and thus it takes the initiative of others to help themselves after seeing the light from afar. This is shown by Ryo’s relationships with the people he’s closest to remaining fundamentally the same from his own side: regardless of his actual guidance being positive or negative. Ryo’s actions and intentions around Sho remain the same across both his younger self and Hell Kaiser: each time trying to guide Sho to become the best version of himself. "Until you have what it takes to be called a duelist, I declare that card off-limits."", is the devastating statement Ryo told Sho as kids. But Ryo believed his brother needed to understand true power in respect, guiding Sho away from arrogance and towards the light of good. His brother's weakness required defending. This concept is twisted on its head once Ryo becomes Hell Kaiser, who only views power or meaning in victory. Thus he employs the same tactic, because Ryo does not see the difference between restricting Power Bond to teach respect, and having Sho experience the same pain he did to ditch it.

Both Ryo and Hell Kaiser sing the same song. Ryo intends on ‘protecting’ his weaker brother by teaching him right from wrong. Both times, Sho and Ryo misunderstand each other. At first, Sho doesn’t comprehend the real reason why Ryo forbade Power Bond. The second time, Ryo doesn’t understand how Sho can cling to his own beliefs of respect even if he loses because of it. However, the one time Ryo’s words connect is when he saves Sho in season 3. And even then, it’s an admission of distance between the two. Ryo sees Sho’s pain inflicted by Judai far outweighs what Ryo had done to Sho. Thus Ryo advises Sho to follow Judai, since it’s what his heart truly desired all along. He then leaves, to force Sho into walking his own path. Ryo cannot spell out Sho's wishes any more than he does. And if Sho is alone, then he is forced to swim instead of sink.

Ryo’s association with lighthouses in canon directly correlates to Fubuki. As much as Fubuki is associated with darkness, Ryo is quite literally the light that shines through to him. When Fubuki was overtaken by Darkness in the first arc, we later find out that Ryo regrets being unable to find Fubuki no matter how much information and effort he scrounged up. Fubuki then replies that the mere act of trying saved him, as he could see Ryo’s feelings in spite of the darkness that consumed him. To Fubuki, Ryo is the lighthouse that guides people through the darkness. And when Fubuki is overtaken by the Darkness in an attempt to save Ryo from it, Ryo’s feelings once again vanquishes Fubuki from the dark. However, instead of the Kaiser saving Fubuki, Hell Kaiser explicitly protects him from Darkness. Because the two are friends, even after everything Ryo’s been through. This leads Fubuki to a revelation that no one else understands: Hell Kaiser is not fundamentally different from Ryo. Fubuki realizes that even as Hell Kaiser, Ryo respected Fubuki. Why else would he save him from Darkness? Indeed, every interaction of Ryo’s major interpersonal relationships are fundamentally the same. It’s simply his worldview that shifted. As much as Ryo wishes to respect others, he doesn’t think he can in a world where everyone must take advantage of their life to the fullest extent.

And Ryo, who cannot change because he thinks he cannot change, stayed as he was until it was far too late to be saved.

[dialovers-translations]

Diabolik Lovers GRAND EDITION for Switch ;; More, Blood ー Reiji Ecstasy [10]

ー The scene starts in the underground dungeon

Yui: ...Reiji-san! Hang in there!

Reiji: Guh...

Yui: Reiji-san!?

Reiji: You are...such a noisy person...No need to...cry about like that...

...Are you...crying?

Yui: Anyone would cry if...someone precious to them suffered such a horrible fate. (1)

Reiji: Precious...? Me?

Yui: Yes...Exactly. Reiji-san...I...deeply care about you.

Reiji: I cannot comprehend...Why am I precious to you in your eyes?

Yui: That’s...Because I’m not a prey, but a human.

Reiji: Because you’re human...? 

Yui: You might not feel the same way. However, I am human. I have feelings. (2)

Reiji: ーー You don’t...have to tell me that, I am aware.

Yui: ...Reiji-san...

Reiji: To me...acknowledging you is...very painful...

Yui: Painful?

Reiji: Not just you...My brothers...Furthermore, my mother and...father...All of them...

I simply can not acknowledge them...I’m a petty man...

Can you...truly cherish someone like that?

Yui: I can...

Reiji: How...?

Yui: ...Because I like you.

*Rustle*

Reiji: ...That part of you...is exactly where humans and Vampires just cannot relate, I believe...

What part of me...do you like? What struck your fancy?

Yui: You were kind to me, weren’t you? Also, you looked out for me...

Reiji: I recall doing...at least an equal amount of...horrible things to you...though?

Yui: ...Of course, you did but...Even so...I still like you, Reiji-san.

Reiji: Fufu...Haah...Good grief...You are a simple masochist.

Yui: I might be. But I cannot help these feelings.

I want you to be by my side...and scold me. I want you to be here...and show me the slightest hint of kindness every now and then...

Reiji: What you are referring to...is the carrot and stick (3) approach, you know?

Yui: Will you...attempt to understand me?

Reiji: Understand...?

Yui: Understanding those who are different from you...and acknowledging them is all you need to do.

I won’t...be as selfish as to ask you to love me back. After all...I’m not qualified to receive your affection just yet.

I’m still improving myself (4) ...However...

Reiji: Try and understand those who are different and...simply...acknowledging them...

...Haah...What have I done...?

Yui: Reiji-san?

Reiji: Somehow...Fufu...I feel like you were way ahead of me this time...

I was unable to just genuinely accept those around me like you do and because of that...I made a blunder...Hah...

Shuu: ...I’m partially responsible for that as well.

Reiji: Who cares about responsiblity. I...I just...

I just...Exactly, I wanted to...get one step closer to my mighty Father...

Shuu: Reiji...

Reiji: However...I realized that I simply cannot surpass him...Shuu, I felt the same about you.

Shuu: Me?

Reiji: You...hold an absolute strength which I simply lack...

Shuu: Haah...And what would that be?

Reiji: You subconsciously draw people to you. You hold the power to have people submit to you. That is a strength...I do not have.

Exactly...Just like the music you love so much...

Shuu: Hah...Aren’t you reading into it a little too much?

Yui: Music...Ah, the violin...I see...I get it now.

Reiji: ...Eh?

Yui: Your Father...I’m sure Karlheinz thought the exact same thing as you, Reiji-san.

Which is exactly why he gifted Shuu-san the violin. It draws people in, subconsciously capturing their hearts. Just like music...

Reiji: Adapting to human culture...Both humans and Vampires alike find themselves entranced by it, huh...? ...Haah...

Father...saw right through everything all along...No matter how much I struggled...It would be impossible for me...

Yui: That’s not true...! After all, he gave you such an amazing watch, did he not?

Reiji: Clock...? Aah...The pocket watch of demise? That symbolizes those who are unable to overcome their own desires, simply drowning in them...

Ironically enough, it turned out exactly like that...Just look at this situation.

Yui: It’s the exact opposite. I’m sure. Even though you looked at the clock’s face...You were able to preserve your sanity.

I think he wanted to convey that you actually are someone with a strong mentality, able to withstand your own desires.

Reiji: ...Fufu...

Yui: Reiji-san...?

Reiji: Once again...I’ve been reminded of that unbelievable optimism of yours...

Yui: ...That’s one of my good points, I’d argue.

Reiji: That’s something...Vampires lack...It might be a merit of being human.

Shuu: ...Oi, I’m taking him...I’m taking Yuma back, okay?

Yui: Ah...Yes...

Reiji: Shuu...

Shuu: What?

Reiji: I cannot...accept everything just yet.

Shuu: ...You don’t have to.

Reiji: Eh?

Shuu: I acknowledge that side of you, and you’ve also accepted that as part of yourself, haven’t you?

Reiji: ...Hah?

Shuu: You are well aware of the fact that you have a hard time accepting others. How is that any different from acknowledging it?

Reiji: ...Per usual, you speak so arrogantly...

Shuu: ーー Oi, you.

Yui: Yes...

Shuu: I’m leaving him in your care.

ー Shuu walks away

Reiji: ...I wonder where that brotherly facade came from...?

Yui: It’s fine. After all...

Selection

→ You’re brothers so it only makes sense (S)

Yui: You’re siblings.

Reiji: ...Hah...Hearing that now gives me goosebumps...

Yui: ...You’re brothers, so please don’t ever try and kill each other like that again.

→ That’s a sign of your mutual acknowledgement (M)

Yui: Don’t you think this proofs that you can accept each other?

Reiji: ...I told you, did I not? I have not acknowledged everything just yet.

Yui: However, you’re slowly coming to peace with it. I’m sure you’ll be able to do it...Right?

Reiji: Who knows...I cannot promise that. Kuh...! Cough cough...!

Yui: Reiji-san! Hang in there...!!

Reiji: This is farewell, Yui.

Yui: Eh!? No way...You said Vampires don’t die...!

Reiji: Sort of...However...It is not entirely impossible.

Besides...There is something I have to atone for.

Yui: You can do that while alive as well!

Reiji: I doubt...Father could ever forgive me...

Yui: No way...

–> If you are playing the Limited V edition or the Grand Edition, little black roses will appear on the screen. If you click on them, you get an extra line of dialogue.

“Are you...crying? ...I wonder why? Even though you are shedding tears...I cannot help but feel happy...See? I’m a horrible man, aren’t I?”

Reiji: Yui...I love you.

Yui: Eh...?

Reiji: I’d hate to admit it...But the fact that I simply cannot go on without you...

I’m sure my body knew that better than anyone else...

Yui: Reiji-san...I love you too...

Reiji: Fufu...You really are a hopeless masochist...To think that right now out of all times...I would finally be loved by someone...

Yui: You are loved, Reiji-san. By Shuu-san, and by your Father as well.

Reiji: ...Ridiculous...However, for some reason, it feels...very comforting. It’s not a bad feeling.

Yui: Yes. Being loved...feels very nice.

Reiji: ...Is that what I’m feeling...?

Yui: ...Yes...

Reiji: ...There is one last wish...I’d like to ask from you, as my beloved...

Yui: Please, stop saying this is the end...

Reiji: Once I’ve stopped moving (5) ...I’d like you to...chop off my head with that axe over there.

Yui: ...!? No way...!! I can’t...!

Reiji: So I...never come back to life again...

Yui: Reiji-san!!

Reiji: Yui...

Yui: ...!?

Reiji: Nn...

Yui: ...

( Pressed against mine, his lips...feel so incredibly cold... )

Reiji: ...This is goodbye...

Yui: N-No! You can’t...!! Reiji-san! Reiji-san...!!

Reiji: Listen carefully. If you truly care for me...this is...

Yui: Reiji-san...!?

( No...I don’t want this... )

You can just move on from this, can’t you...!? Reiji-san! Reiji-san!?

Reiji: Your hand...

Yui: Hand...?

*Smooch*

Reiji: ...

Yui: Reiji-san...!!

Reiji: ...

ー Reiji loses consciousness

*Thud*

Monologue

Between me and Reiji-san, or between Reiji-san and Shuu-san,

why did things have to turn out like this, I wonder?

It was simply too late to try and understand each other (思いが重なる).

By the time we realized, we had already hurt each other too deeply.

Even if I deeply regret it, I realize that it is too late.

Howeverーー

If only I had opened up my heart (心を開いて) more, giving it my absolute everything,

I might have been able to accomplish something.

While thinking that, I could only silently pray,

that perhaps at least these feelings of mine, would be able to reach him.

ーー TO BE CONTINUED ーー

Translation notes

(1) 目にあう or ‘me ni au’ is an expression commonly used to refer to someone going through a certain (negative/unpleasant) experience. 

(2) 心 or ‘kokoro’, while often translated as ‘heart’, refers more to someone’s soul or their feelings/emotions rather than the actual organ.

(3) Called 飴と鞭 or ‘ame to muchi’ in Japanese, which literally means ‘candy and whip’. Originally a technique to train animals into submission in which rewards and punishments would get alternated. 

(4) Literally she says ‘I’m still in the middle of making an effort.’

(5) 鼓動 or ‘kodou’ usually refers to someone’s heartbeat, however it still isn’t quite clear to me if Vampires are supposed to have a heartbeat or not. Therefore I decided to translate it ‘once I’ve stopped moving’ instead.

<- [ Ecstasy 09 ] [ Ecstasy Epilogue ] ->

[davidgeorgevartanian]

I. I AM what I am:

Jesus said: “I and the Father are one” and “On that day you will realize that I am in my Father, and you are in me, and I am in you.” This is oneness with God, who revealed himself to Moses as “I AM” (Hebrew: Eh-Yeh), which Jesus mirrored by saying, “before Abraham was born, I am!” But the fundamental question of our lives is: who am I in Christ? The expectation, a mystery to most of us, is that I am called to be a crucified self and alive in Christ, or as Paul describes, “Christ lives in me.” And how should we see everyone else in Christ? The image and in-dwelling of his Spirit. And collectively, we are his body. All of this inter-relationality between God, individuals, and communities is his chief desire, because with this personal and communal oneness, his love can be perfectly mirrored in us and back to him, as it was between the Father, Son and Holy Spirit before time began. Our ultimate prayer should be for us to see, talk, and treat everyone with the perspective that I am God loving through me to bless himself dwelling in others. From the burning bush, God referred to himself as a non-contingent being, otherworldly, and thus, beyond category and description: Eh-Yeh Asher Eh-Yeh.

How do we comprehend the divine in light of the gospel of Immanuel, God-With-Us? Eh-Yeh Asher Eh-Yeh: I am (Christ in me) who I am (Christ in others). This non-dual thinking should not frighten or repulse us, because we have already seen a convincing amount of evidence that living atomized, obsessively dualistic and egoistical lives is empty and futile. The Spirit of the Son within us cries out “Abba, Father.” Even though, we cannot comprehend our own worthiness in the eyes of God, we feel safe and utterly accepted by our Heavenly Father seeing and hearing his own flowering presence within us. Undoubtedly, the Spirit of the Son is also crying out to our neighbors, “Brother, beloved.” How can we not but make contemplating the nature of God’s presence within us our fiery purpose?

Remember the Sheeps and Goats parable: “When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’ “The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’” Seeing through this fuller and unitive perspective is living worship, because it seeks God in all things and in everyone. Who is my neighbor becomes an asinine question, when we strive for oneness with Christ-in-us and Christ-in-the-world. Who am I and who are others can be answered in a single breath (breath: from the Greek word, pneuma, meaning spirit), for my spirit and their spirit were created and are sustained by the Breath of Christ. I AM and I am exist in that order; sharing in “life and breath and everything else.” Again, who am I in Christ? I am not my family, my race, class, job, or possessions. I am not my ego, which projects inwardly and outwardly vain judgments and conceit to puff up my pride and fuel my selfish desires. No, underneath all of that- all I am is God’s “offspring,” living in his omnipresence. For “it is in him that we live and move and have our being.” This type of seeing from the heart can’t be achieved; only surrendered to with humility that leads to metanoia (changing our whole mindset about sin and God.) I AM what I am, Eh-Yeh in communion with a crucified ego; a walking and continual prayer.

[priorireverte]

Congratulations Ashlie!

Your application for Neville Longbottom has been accepted. It was delightful to read and I am looking forward to seeing what more he brings to the group!

Please look to the checklist for the next steps and reach out if you have any questions!

OUT OF CHARACTER

NAME & PRONOUNS: Ashlie ( she/her )

TIMEZONE: est

ACTIVITY LEVEL: My main goal is to be online about five days a week actively working on replies, although I am always lingering around on mobile for plotting and such.

ANYTHING ELSE: Triggers: Flashing Gifs. Experience wise, I have been roleplaying online since 2011, and joined Tumblr roleplay around 2014.

CHARACTER DETAILS

NAME: Neville Longbottom

BIRTHDATE: July 30, 1980

DEATHDATE: –

GENDER, PRONOUNS, and SEXUALITY: demiboy he/they asexual/biromantic , Neville doesn’t put much weight on pronouns, either he or they really there is no preference for one over the other because he simply doesn’t feel any sort of connection to any of them. He tends to use the two interchangeably, although they are also still playing around with how they feel about the concept of masculinity and how it ties into his own idea of their gender so this may change over the course of the timeline.

BLOOD STATUS: Pureblood

HOUSE ALUMNI: Gryffindor Growing up, Neville was the one people always questioned. How could they possibly ever have been sorted into Gryffindor? They were quite timid as a child, fearful and easily taken advantage of. It was Dumbledore who had first seen the potential and they had and awarded him for it. They hadn’t wanted to stand up to Harry, Ron, and Hermione first year, they were terrified. But they also knew if they didn’t say anything their whole house would face the punishment that came with finding students out of bed past curfew, even if they later learned the three had a pretty solid reason. But Dumbledore’s validation had been what they needed to continue to experiment with that Gryffindor bravery they failed to see in themself. Telling a gang of eleven year olds not to sneak out isn’t the most terrifying thing they’ve ever done- but it was the first time they had fought back for what they thought was the right thing. That made them sure of themself when he joined the DA and made so quick to answer the call on those medallions and fight back when Hogwarts was under Death Eater control. Neville grew up very quickly and in a short amount of time, the catalyst for them truly feeling they belonged being prior to the true start of the war after learning their parents’ attacker had escaped from Azkaban Prison. Then Death Eaters took over the school they called home and it was no longer about proving themself to histheir grandmother or classmates, but about doing the right thing. It was then that Neville truly understood the meaning of bravery, chivalry, and the other traits true

OCCUPATION:  Current Auror / Substitute Professor of Herbology at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry  (  Neville has been working for the auror department since he left Hogwarts and is currently still working for them. He however has just accepted a job at Hogwarts starting after summer break and put notice in at the department he will be leaving in the end of August. He has yet to tell anyone anything other than that he has subbed at the school a couple times for Professor Sprout.  )

FACECLAIM: Federico Cesari

CHARACTER BACKGROUND

POSTBELLUM

Neville had only been a toddler when they first learned the end of a war does not mean the end of the fighting or that some of the worst acts of violence and cruelty happen after one side has already surrendered.  The war was a terrifying thing and Neville didn’t begin to fully understand what it meant until after their side had already won. They cut a lot of people off after the final battle; kept isolated and trapped in a state of uncertainty. Some days they felt invincible- as if the scared little child who refused to let go of their grandmother’s skirt was someone else entirely and only the new version of themself who spat in Death Eater’s faces had remained. But as the adrenalyn wore off it became easier to fall back into the mindset of someone who thought they would never fit in or live up to the reputation their parents had set for them.

They went immediately into Auror training simply because they didn’t know what else to do. When Neville  was told he could join the program despite not obtaining the OWL results required they couldn’t turn it down. It had felt like some sort of sign that this was what they needed to do, They knew that they wanted to be an Auror at only eight years old- although back then it was more because they wanted to be like their Gran’s stories of Frank than an interest in the career itself, but they had still struggled to accept that their childhood dream had gone out the window when their OWL scores came in the mail. But their position in the war meant more than an Acceptable in Transfiguration, and with so many Death Eaters still to be captured they couldn’t bring themselves to accept the war had finally ended.

When they learned the position for the Herbology teacher at Hogwarts opened he applied on a whim, never thinking they would actually get the job and  struggled to get through the interview until they realized Professor Sprout had recommended them personally. They know they need to do this for themself, but they’re terrified to tell everyone about their plans to leave the Auror Department. It feels selfish- like they’re giving up the fight.

Now with Bellatrix’s return they are angry. At least they believe they are angry, but this is a different anger than the one they felt when she had broken out of Azkaban for the first time years ago. Perhaps it’s the mixture of jealousy at seeing so many people around them be reunited with their families while struggling with the guilt of avoiding their own. Or maybe it’s simply a deeper understanding. They are eager to find out.

PERSONALITY

Neville assumes their upbringing has a large part in the reason they’re so quick to think about what exactly is making someone behave the way they are. They are empathetic, quick to be understanding and patient. They wants to be there for everyone, even if that person doesn’t want them there. When Neville is invested in something they go on longer than anyone enjoys, putting every ounce of energy they have into it. When they love something they put their all into it and has never been one to do something half-assed. Even whenthey struggle, they give their all and don’t volunteer unless they knows they can pull through. Their love of herbology is clear to everyone who knows them and they spend hours a day trying to learn more about the subject they love so much. But he is also passionate about equal rights and fighting injustice. So passionate he put his safety on the line again and again to give a bit of hope to those around him that they could do this. So passionate even when he thought they had lost everything he still was the one to stand up and keep fighting.

They spent a lot of time lonely, and grew comfortable being by themselves. For a long time it seemed like everyone had their click but him. Sure he had friends, at least he thinks they all considered him friends, but until recently he never had that person he could go to. Now he still forgets to reach out to others for nothing other than to just enjoy each other’s company. He’ll call them to tell them about a book he thinks they would enjoy, or to tell them about the restaurant that opened up down the street from them, but he’s still working on believing people want to spend time with him and breaking the habit of spending his time along.

Insecurity and uncertainty had defined Neville’s life for so long, sometimes he does not know how to live any differently. He is quick to second guess himself in every aspect, and that has held him back many times. He decides how others feel without asking their opinions and can be quite pessimistic while doing so. Neville’s loyalty is also a trait he prides himself on greatly, but at times it can be entirely blind. He can have a bit of a black and white mindset when it comes to if someone is good or bad and once you have been deemed good in his mind he will follow certain people to their doom simply because they told him it was a wise idea.

BRIEF OVERVIEW OF FAMILY

Neville’s parent’s health had always been especially overwhelming and confusing for them, ever since they were just old enough to comprehend the two of them were not normal, that the way they behaved wasn’t the typical way the other adults in their life acted. Although for a very long time even after that they didn’t entirely understand their presence in their life was something normal to miss or that it wasn’t selfish to be angry over the fact that Frank and Alice couldn’t recognize who Neville was. They understand the pride they feel in being their child, and just how much they had sacrificed, but even now they cannot seem to fully comprehend why they miss something they cannot remember ever having in the first place.

So the excuses to not join Augusta on her visits to St. Mungo’s were plausible for a while. First it wasn’t safe to go, they couldn’t leave Hogwarts during the height of the war, the new job had just kept them so busy there wasn’t the time.  Although every time they rattle off another excuse they see more of that same look in their grandmother’s eye that they had grown accustomed to as a child and thought they had finally gotten past. It was the week of the first anniversary Neville and Augusta finally had it out. Neville hadn’t meant to snap at her, there was so much guilt and their anxiety was still high. Suddenly everything from their childhood with her came out at once. The pressure she put on them to live up to their father, never saying anything to the family members who harmed them in an attempt to “scare” the magic out of them. They feel a responsibility to work on their relationship, she’s the only family they really have and perhaps if that weren’t the case they would have dropped her. But Neville loves her, as strict and imperfect as she is; they know she loves him, even if she wasn’t always the perfect guardian.

HISTORY

Only months following the end of the war, a group of Death Eaters had captured Frank and Alice Longbottom, determined they knew what happened to the Dark Lord and were willing to do anything in their power to get that information out of the two Aurors. They tortured the two incessantly until they had both lost their minds, leaving Neville who had only been a baby at the time to be raised by Frank’s mother, Augusta.  She had been stern and old fashioned in the way she had raised them, expecting Neville to be every bit as brilliant as their father and then some as only a child, and she hadn’t done a spectacular job at hiding her disappointment whenever they didn’t live up to the expectations set for them. It had happened before, in a family as old as the Longbottoms it wasn’t entirely unheard of for a child to be born a squib, but that didn’t stop the fact that it was shameful, or dismiss the fears that Neville would live a horrid life if they failed to ever show signs of magic. Their entire extended family grouped together to attempt to make them to show some signs of magic, all going to different lengths in their attempts to do so. This destroyed their confidence and left Neville especially insecure even before they had the opportunity to start Hogwarts.

While everyone around them seemed to think of their time at Hogwarts longingly, Neville struggled during their time in the castle. Their Gran had been overprotective after taking them in and kept them separated from other kids their age so long they had a hard time making friends. Kids were mean, and it wasn’t uncommon for them to be the punchline of various jokes and picked on for the babyfat they had yet to lose or their awkward demeanor. While being bullied by their peers was hard enough, Neville hadn’t expected their professors to be even more terrifying than anything else they had dealt with in their young but still tragic youth. Severus Snape had been the human embodiment of everything they ever did wrong. As much as Neville loves their grandmother, she was never subtle about her high expectations for them and the more Neville tried to live up to them, the more they seemed to fail. Snape preyed on this, had a comment ready at every corner and made sure Neville knew they were inferior. They would never be as smart as their father. Never be as talented or successful if they couldn’t brew a simple potion correctly. The trauma of watching their parents’ health deteriorate as only a toddler left them with scars they still haven’t healed and Snape knew that as well. The gut wrenching  anticipation of knowing if they did their assignment incorrectly their beloved pet would be slowly and painfully killed only brought the teen nightmares and what ifs. Snape knew Neville’s secrets from the days he fought on the other side, then his time as his Professor and had a profound talent for using this against them.

When Bellatrix Lestrange escaped from Azkaban it gave Neville a reason to fight back for the first time. There was a connection between them and the fighting going on outside the walls of Dumbeldore’s protection and they were able to truly comprehend just what this all meant beyond knowing Voldemorts return was a bad thing. Even more than that, they wanted revenge. They wanted to get even with the witch who stole everything from them, caused their parents to be unable to even know who their own child was. And they did fight back, harder than they had ever fought for anything in their life, they practiced day and night with hopes they could prove they are much more than the stupid little pureblood with insane parents and could barely hold a wand the right direction.

Then they were seventeen and living their deepest darkest what ifs. Would I do the same? Could I take the worst of the unforgivables for the well being of another? Neville’s entire life had been controlled by that curse. The shyness, the isolation, depression. The fear. Suddenly they were thrown into war, still only a student, even if one privileged enough to be born with the blood that was ranked superior. Wands were pointed at them, doing everything they could to force them to be the one thing he grew up swearing they would never be. Neville took everything they threw at them to not become the people who tore apart their family. They grew more confident and collected and stepped up to do what they knew they needed to do. They lead an Army, and the DA was the most important thing they will ever be a part of in their life. It made them someone they could be proud of, instead of having to worry what everyone around them would think of them.

OOC EXPLORATION

WHAT ARE YOU MOST LOOKING FORWARD TO? This group is gorgeous, While yes, your graphics and theme is lovely, your plot, the character teasers, and the writing are beautiful. A post trio roleplay is so hard to come by, as is a group with passionate and active admins and members who want to write and develop characters and the little twist of bringing back the dead is captivating. Scrolling through the page simply left me inspired, there is no other way to explain it. Thank you for making this rp possible and giving me the chance to be a part of it.

ANYTHING ELSE? https://www.pinterest.com/aaestheticsdm/why-is-it-always-me-c-neville-longbottom/