#I BEEN WORKING ON THIS FOR A WHOLE YEAR AND FINALLY FINISHED BC I SUCK AT WRITING

[cartmanandbutters]

He knew he hadn't deserved to live a long life, but life was cruel. Or maybe, life was forgiving. It all depends on how you look at it.

Eric, in his old age, smiles down at the family he has created. One he didn't ask for, but one that was made over time. It was his grandchild's birthday and as a request from the birthday boy, he had decided to let them all come here to his home out in the woods of South Park, Colorado.

A change of pace to let his home be used so openly, but a part of him had softened over the years. May it be from his daughter who had grown to be a beautiful women, just like her mother. Wendy, who's companionship benefited the both of them in such a strong, intimate way. Butters, his right hand man who's been with him through thick and thin. And Kyle, the boy from another world that made the mistake of coming to this one. A mistake, that had evolved from a nightmare, into quite a beautiful friendship. It wasn't perfect, but it has taught him a lot over the years. And even though they had been through a lot, Eric could honestly say that he was happy, even if they were just friends.

The sun rays beamed through the trees, making the grass a shade of orange from the sunset. Kids ran around in the open area as friends and acquaintances openly drank and danced to the music.

Hired men had this place surrounded. It's no surprise, Eric was a powerful man. But he had gotten too comfortable on his snowy throne that he called his home. He was the man with all the answers, and if he didn't have them, he sent men to find them or he dealt with it himself. And if he deemed it unimportant, his silver tongue knew exactly how to strike, a silent poison, if you will.

Usually, that alone was his secret weapon, but it was of no help into the oncoming disaster that was karma. A loose end.

As Eric turned towards his bedroom to leave his private balcony, a sharp pain enters right into his chest, meeting the eyes of emerald green so cold that it took the breath from him.

Kyle Broflovski. No, not his friend. Somebody that he use to know. One that he had hurt in more ways than you can imagine. It was a dark time for them both, but Kyle took the brunt of it all. 

Their eyes are locked as Kyle shoves him harshly against the wall, a stake still lodged in Erics chest. With every breath, a sharp pain is felt, the shock of seeing Kyle after all these years is apparent, but the red heads expression remains cold.

“Kahl--”

“Do you know how long I’ve waited for this moment?”

Eric's legs feel weak and he slides down, blood streaking down against the wall until hes sat uncomfortably on the carpet, Kyle moving down with him, staying eye to eye.

“I’m not who I use to be. You changed me."

Erics shock melts into a softness of some kind. The eyes that use to bore deep into Kyle's soul all those years ago.. they were different. But Kyle's pain and rage were so wrapped tightly around his heart, he couldn't find it in himself to care, even if it did take him by surprise.

"You've been alive way too long- it's not fair. I should've killed you a long time ago."

Erics breathing starts to slow, his mind in a whirlwind of emotions and thoughts, but nothing could come out. Nothing except a whisper.

"I knew yew would come back for me." And there was a small smile that graced his lips. Kyle's taken aback, mouth agape as he lets Eric go. Before he could respond, a voice is heard down the hall, identical to his own.

"Cartman?" It calls out, getting closer to the bedroom door. Kyle and the brunet stare at each other. A silent goodbye, eyes glossed with so much emotion, that there was nothing and yet so much left to say. The bedroom door opens just as Kyle rushes out the window, making his way down the side of the balcony where he came.

And there stood his long time friend, the boy in the green ushanka hat. His expression falls as he watches his doppelganger escape and he almost moves to run after him, but seeing Eric on the ground with a stake through his chest, he practically stumbles over to him instead, falling to his knees at his side.

"Cartman- What- why-!?" Did he really need to ask why? Should he really be surprised? Was that Kyle who he thought he was?

"Shhh. It's okay-- its--" a cough of blood splatters down to his chin, but it was inevitable. He knew this was it.

Eric grabs onto Kyle's shirt, clinging to it like he's clinging to his life. He's killed so many people, he didn't deserve to have this kind of merciful death. He always thought he would die all alone, with nothing but his thoughts and regrets, forced to play over his shitty life, but there Kyle was, tears brimming those green jade eyes, and it was all Cartman could ever ask for. Somebody out here really did care for him, and it was a Kyle no less. This Kyle.

As he stares up at Kyle's terrified, sad stricken face, he knows he could walk with death satisfied, if it meant looking up at him like this. The way the sunset captivated Kyle's beautiful features, looking at him. But Eric has always been a selfish man so without warning, he pulls him down for a soft kiss. He's kissed Kyle before, usually full of greedy and aggressive lust, but it's been years and this one was different. There was so much behind it. Words left unsaid. As soft as it was, it gradually goes slack and as he takes his last breath, Eric slumps back against the wall, blue eyes faded and lifeless.

@angcrboy

[starsstuddedsky]

Tangled in Love

vernon x reader

summary: there's nothing in the world that vernon loves more than cats. at least, that's what you think

genre: fluff, tiny bit of angst, non-idol!au, uni au, f2L, idiots to lovers, fake dating if you squint, technically university au

warnings: none!

wc: 3.8k

a/n: started this a WHILE ago and finished it like a month ago but i wanted to let it sit lol,,, may or may not have been the other option for the poll i put out and then i may or may not have forgotten to post.... anyways i am working for literally the whole summer until school starts again so i can't promise i'll be writing a whole bunch </3 so basically: enjoy bc idk when anything else will come lol (not going on official hiatus though!! just like... limbo) pls pls feel free to drop in anytime and chat!! also requests are open but again,, i'll write when i write lol

tldr: adulting sucks, i love you all, none of this has to do with the actual story lol

Vernon’s car sits in your driveway. The sight of his little red sedan evokes a strong sense of familiarity, almost as if it’s yours. It’s survived high school and his first three years of college, up till now, though the engine sometimes shakes the car a little too much and the air conditioning chooses to work less often than you would prefer. Still, the one time Vernon mentioned getting a new car, you nearly cried, so you don’t let yourself complain too much. 

He waits for you, keys in hand, as you tug on your shoes and sprint out the door with a shout of goodbye to your parents. Your shoes nearly slip off because you didn’t put them on all the way and they’re still untied when you make it to the front seat, slamming the door shut behind you and pulling on your seatbelt. 

“You didn’t have to rush,” Vernon says, barely sparing a glance at you. You do a supreme job pretending it doesn’t bother you. 

“Yeah, but my dad is watching hockey,” you say. Though it’s been years since Vernon has been to your house for a “play date,” you know the memory of your father yelling at the television as if the players can hear him isn’t one that Vernon (or anyone for that matter) can forget easily. 

“You know if you move out, you don’t have to hear them,” he says, finally glancing at you before turning his head to watch the road as he backs down the driveway. 

“If I move out, I also have to pay my bills on my own,” you say. 

“You have three job offers and you haven’t even graduated yet,” Vernon says. “Of all our friends, you are the most financially stable, so don’t you dare try that argument on me.” This debate has been going on ever since Vernon announced he was moving out; two years in the dorms on campus proved more than enough for him. 

You don’t understand why he’s so insistent about you moving out. Sure you complain about your parents occasionally but not enough to really matter, and he knows how grateful you are that they’ve let you stay in your childhood room and rarely let you pay for anything. 

So why? You set your eyes on him, with his annoyingly perfect features that you’ve known most of your life. He studies the road, indifferent to your glare and undistracted. 

That’s the Vernon you know: focused on the moment, and never noticing you. You know how pitiful you sound, pining for someone for so long who has never once spared you a second look. Still, before everything else, he’s your friend, your best friend. You won’t ruin that just because you caught feelings. 

“Why are we going an hour away again?” You ask, resting your back against the cushioned seats and turning your head to the window to watch the scenery pass by. It’s easier to avoid thinking about those feelings when you aren’t staring at him. 

“Because the people running the rescue needed a volunteer to pick up the kittens.” 

“And why am I here?” 

“So I don’t get kidnapped or murdered,” Vernon says nonchalantly. 

“How am I going to prevent you from getting kidnapped or murdered?” 

“Strength in numbers?” He takes his eyes off the road for half a second to flash a smile at you. 

You rolled your eyes, plugging your phone into the aux. “You should have asked Jihoon. Between his gym obsession and unbridled rage, the nonexistent potential kidnappers-murderers would never stand a chance.” 

“And he has good taste in music. Bump,” he says, bracing his arm in front of you as he hit a particularly large pothole. He drops his arm as soon as the car stops shaking and you ignore the urge to catch his hand in yours. 

“He does not, and you better not be implying I have bad taste!” You dig through your playlists, trying to find the Vernon-approved one. 

“I was implying but now I’ll outright say it.” 

“His playlist is just Bruno Mars and Harry Styles and one random Ariana Grande song.” You hold up the shared playlist for good measure. Vernon ignores you, refusing to take his eyes off the road. 

“Okay, not good taste, but better than yours.” 

“What is wrong with my taste in music?” 

“No comment.” 

“How have we been friends this long?” You ask. You can’t quite say it with a straight face; the idea of not having Vernon in your life is an absurdity you can’t imagine. 

“By the way, you need to give directions,” Vernon says. “I sent you the address last week.” 

You shake your head but dig through the messages to find the address, putting Jihoon’s playlist on to prove your point. Vernon pretends not to care, singing along to “Leave the Door Open,” as if he didn’t make fun of Jihoon a week ago because he played the song on repeat during his four hour shift at the cafe. 

When you’re being honest with yourself, you know you want more than riding in Vernon’s front seat and making pointless jokes. More than once, you’ve imagined what it’s like to go home with him and stay there, to wake up in his bed because you share it with him, instead of the times you drank too much and he slept on the couch (because of course Vernon is the type of person to give up his bed for his friend). Moments like that make it harder to remember that he doesn’t feel the same way. 

You were doing a great job of paying attention until the second half hour, when you got stuck in standstill traffic. In your mind, only a few minutes pass, but suddenly Vernon shakes your shoulder and your heart shoots bolts of adrenaline into your veins to wake you up. 

“We’re here,” he says softly. He holds your phone with the directions still open. The engine shakes the car; he must have literally just stopped. It takes a couple moments to remember that he drove you into the middle of nowhere to pick up some kittens to foster them (another bullet point in the ever growing list of why you love Vernon: he does absolutely insane things for what he loves. What would it be like to be the person he loves?). He stares at you for a moment and for some godforsaken reason, you think he’s going to kiss you. 

He points to the corner of your lips. “You drooled.” He laughs at your groan, turning in his seat and cutting the engine, tossing your phone into your lap. 

The door creaks when you pull on the handle but it swings open. You are extra careful when you swing it shut, being as gentle as possible. Vernon raises his eyebrows but doesn’t comment on it. You stretch until your back finally pops, jogging to catch up with Vernon who didn’t wait for you, striding up the smooth driveway. 

Warm pastel yellow greets you, a cute door that matches the array of flowers on the front porch perfectly. Vernon sneezes and presses the doorbell, stepping back to wait, shoulder pressing against yours. Even though his jean jacket and your cotton t-shirt separate you from really touching him, you feel a different sort of warm, a tingly feeling that spreads from your insides and makes you feel giddy. 

After a couple minutes, the door opens, revealing a smiling woman and a child that can’t be more than five clinging to her leg. “You must be the fosters! Sorry, it’s a little hectic today, but come on in!” She ushers you in, picking up the child. 

Some psychopath. You glance at Vernon but he turns his back on you, following the woman down the hall to a closed door. Whatever, it’s not like he needs to see you to know the jokes you make. 

“We’ve been keeping them away from the rest of the house since it gets so chaotic,” she says. “I’d love to keep them but we’ve got two toddlers and a hyperactive dog.” She sounds genuinely regretful, which you understand as soon as you step over the baby gate and into the room. It looks like it was a spare bedroom (you can’t help but think it’s for the children when they get too big to share a room), but the bed has been stripped and there isn’t any other furniture. In the middle of the room, in a nest of blankets, a grown cat sits and licks tiny balls of fur that mewl softly in protest. The black cat pauses in her grooming, studying you and Vernon while the woman and her child watch from the door. 

“Do you want to tell the lovely couple what we named them?” She asks the child. 

You freeze. Did she just call you a couple? “We’re not–” Vernon stops you with a hand on your arm, sitting cross legged on the ground and facing the woman and her child. 

“The momma is Pinky,” the child mumbles, barely audible. “‘Cause she has really pink feet.” 

You smile at her, though you’re still reeling from Vernon’s hand, which slips from your arm to interlace his fingers with yours. “Did you name her?” 

The child grins. “Yeah! But my brother named the babies.” She pouts. 

“I think Pinky is a great name,” you say. Vernon grunts in agreement. Pinky stands and wanders slowly toward Vernon’s hand (the one not holding yours), which he holds outstretched while looking away. Looking at you. You get to see the exact moment Pinky brushes her head against his fingers, watch the corners of his mouth creep up in satisfaction, watch his eyes slip away from yours as he strokes her head. She lets off a low rumble as she purrs, brushing her whole body against his foot before leaving him to study you. 

You’ve never thought of yourself as a cat-person or a dog-person (you love them all the same), but a life-time as Vernon’s best friend (and an abundance of cat cafes) have trained you in how to get cat’s to befriend you. You let Pinky move however she wants, hyper aware of Vernon’s hand squeezing yours once before letting go. 

He shifts to look at the kittens, earning a wary glance from Pinky. She watches him for a moment before turning back to you, brushing against your hand and eventually turning her back on you, purring like the engine of Vernon’s car the entire time. 

“What’s this one called?” Vernon asks, pointing to the orange colored kitten. 

“That’s Muffin, Momma named her,” the child explains. She stands at the baby gate alone, her mother off somewhere getting all of their supplies so that you and Vernon can leave with them. Her little fingers curl around the metal. “The black one is Fried and the white one is Egg. That’s what my brother named them.” 

Vernon nods, smiling over the tiny kittens. Pinky finally decides she doesn’t want him quite so close, leaving your side to place herself between him and the kittens. He laughs, sliding back to sit next to you. 

“There’s no way you don’t end up adopting at least one of them,” you whisper. 

“I have self-control.” 

“Wanna bet?” 

Vernon turns to look at you except he’s much too close, nose just barely brushing against yours. It takes all of your willpower not to glance at his lips, infinitely harder when you realize you can feel his breath on your lips. Would he kiss you back? You push that fantasy away immediately: it’s Vernon. He’d push you away and call you weird, or do that judgy-eyebrow-wiggle-thing that he reserves only for special occasions (most recently used when Soonyoung was talking about a hookup gone wrong). You’ve always been the one he looks at when someone does something weird; what would he do if it was you being weird? Your stomach turns, the butterflies eating each other alive. You can’t do that to him, no matter how perfect his lips are. 

You jump at the sound of someone clearing their throat. You turn back to the door to see the woman holding a cat carrier doing her best not to smile. 

“Not trying to rush you two, but the sooner they settle into a nice loving home, the better,” she says, winking at ‘loving.’ You really should correct her. Actually, Vernon should correct her. He always does, the very few times that you have been mistaken as a couple. He never hesitates, so why isn’t he doing it now? Does he really not realize what she’s implying? 

He stands up, turning to face you and extending his hands to pull you up. You roll your eyes but take them anyway, ignoring the way your heart sinks when he lets go this time. He takes the carrier and gently picks up the kittens, blankets and all, and tucks them inside. Pinky follows immediately after, as if she couldn’t bear to be away from her children for more than a second. 

“I have a box ready by the door with their food, and toys, and other supplies, and I know you said you have a litter box and you’re ready, but I just wanted to make sure that they settle in nice, and I added a blanket in case they’re homesick, and–” She pauses, peering at the dark holes of the carrier as if she can see the little kittens inside. She takes a deep breath, picking up her child again, stepping to the side so that you and Vernon can leave the room. “I know you two will take good care of them, I do, I just– I’m going to miss them.” 

“Me too,” her child says, clinging to her mother’s neck. 

The woman smiles. “But we said our goodbyes already, and they’re going to be so happy with these two, right?” 

“Of course,” you say when Vernon doesn’t answer. “He’s been obsessed with cats since he was smaller than you!” You wink at the child, who giggles. 

You pick up the box at the door, grunting at the heaviness. 

“We can switch,” Vernon says softly but you shake your head. 

“It’s just to the car, it’s fine.” Vernon looks like he’s going to argue more, but finally he steps onto the front porch, moving as gently as possible, trying to disturb the precious cargo as little as possible. 

“Thank you so much again,” the woman says, setting her child down. “We really do wish we could keep them, but it makes me happy knowing that someone capable will be taking care of them, especially an adorable couple like the two of you. Do keep me updated on their adoptions.” 

You force a smile and choke out a “thank you,” following Vernon mindlessly down the driveway after she closes the door.

Adorable couple, were her exact words and Vernon said nothing. Why? The word hangs on your tongue, threatening to spill out if you so much as open your mouth. You watch as Vernon sets the carrier in the backseat, then takes the box out of your arms and places it on the floor. You force yourself to move to the passenger side when he raises his eyebrows at you, but once you’re sitting down and the seatbelt is across your chest, you’re frozen again. 

Vernon takes your phone when you don’t move, putting in your passcode (the sum of his birthday and yours). He pulls up his own playlist, a collection of hyperpop and indie artists that you normally enjoy listening to. Today it takes all your concentration not to burst. 

You almost make it the whole drive, all the way to his block, the apartment building he’s spent the last year and a half in that’s become far too familiar to you. How much time have you wasted away on the floor of his living room, drinking, doing classwork, listening to him talk about the future, rambling to him about the midnight thoughts that threaten your heart? He knows everything about you, except what you need him to know the most. 

When the question begins to burn in your heart, you can’t hold it anymore. Vernon pulls into his parking spot and it falls from your lips before you realize it. “Why?” 

He has the audacity to feign ignorance, blinking at you before finally asking, “Why what?” 

“Why did you let her think we are a couple?” 

One of the kittens mewls in the silence, a soft cry for help, sounding pitifully like your own heart. 

Vernon stares ahead of him at the concrete wall, the fading red number 19 that designates this spot as his. Just say something, your heart begs him. Stop giving me hope where there is none. His shoulders rise in the tiniest shrug. “I guess I was just curious.” 

“Of what?” 

He swallows, Adam’s apple bobbing up and down. He glances at you, just once. “What it would be like.” He sighs. “This really isn’t the time for this conversation.” 

Your grip on the door handle is so tight your knuckles are white. So desperately, you want to believe he’s trying to say what you think he’s saying but you refuse to give yourself hope unless it’s real. “What conversation?” 

“Okay, for the record, I did think this through,” he says, “a lot. Like, for months. This isn’t coming out of nowhere, I really did try to figure out if it’s just a passing thing because the last thing I want is for things between us to be weird because you’re my best friend and I tried to imagine my life without you and that was worse than anything, so I decided I wouldn’t ruin anything except I can’t stop thinking about–”

“Vernon.” 

He pauses, turning to face you again and this time he doesn’t look away. You’ve never felt self-conscious under his gaze, not when he’s seen every awkward stage of your life and stuck with you anyways. His eyes have always been familiar to you, an oasis of comfort that you always find yourself drifting toward. But the longer he stares at you, the more you want to run away, hide from the heartbreak you see in his eyes. 

“I think I like you,” he says. “No. I do. Like, as in more than a friend. God, none of these words are working.” 

You stare at him. He’s saying everything you want him to say. He’s saying he likes you. Why can’t you move? 

Vernon runs a hand through his hair, and sighs. “Like I said, I don’t want to ruin things between us, you're still my best friend first. But I’m also sure about how I feel and I don’t want to keep it from you any longer. I can’t stay in this limbo of holding onto something that doesn’t exist, so, I’m really sorry.” 

“Sorry?” You repeat, frowning. “Why are you sorry?” 

“Because… I like you. And that ruins… this.” He gestures between you and him and that’s when you finally realize that he doesn’t know. 

“You dumbass,” you say, “I like you, too.” 

Vernon frowns, mouth hanging open a little, and you have to wonder if you looked this goofy when he was talking. Your heart swells when you realize you’re the reason for it. “You do?” 

“Yes,” you say, grabbing his hand. Your cheeks ache a little, and you realize that you’re smiling wider than you ever have before. You’ve never been this happy, not when you graduated high school, not when you and Vernon found out you got into the same college, not when you got a perfect score on that notoriously impossible chemistry final. “Vernon, I am an idiot that always thought you didn’t feel the way I did so I did everything I could to hide it. But I like you, I really, really do, and I’m sorry I never let it show.” There’s another word for how you feel, but you aren’t quite brave enough to use it yet, even if it’s what you really mean to say. 

Vernon leans closer, pressing his forehead against yours. “We really are dumb, huh?” 

“I can already hear Jihoon’s gloating.”

“He’s been nagging you too?” Vernon groans softly but the smile never leaves his lips. “He’s going to be insufferable.” 

You’ve grown used to silences with Vernon. Sometimes they are painful, like when he tells a joke and only you laugh. Usually they’re peaceful, comfortable silences that can only exist between two people that have nothing left to say but stay together anyways. But this silence is heavy, a weight on your shoulders pushing you to do something, move closer. You’ve known him your whole life but this is foreign territory. 

His breath kisses your lips again and this time you have the bravery to lean forward, just a little. His lips are soft, bottom lip chapped a little more than the top but it is warm and it feels like a first and thousandth at the same time, like unlocking the door to a house you know you’ll spend the rest of your life in. Your mind floats farther and farther away, in some place of impossible happiness that can’t quite believe that this is real. 

A soft cry from somewhere to your left brings you back to earth. You pull away at the same time he does, glancing at the backseat. Right. The kittens. You glance at Vernon, whose mouth is still a little open, eyes wide and flustered. It makes you want to kiss him all over again but you settle for laughing. 

“I guess we should go inside,” he says, leaning away from you though he doesn’t turn his back yet. 

“We should get them settled,” you say, glancing at the carrier again. 

Vernon nods, opening his door and grabbing the heavy box, pausing by the entrance to the building to wait for you to grab the carrier. Silence falls again as you ride the elevator up but you’re more than familiar with it. 

It doesn’t take long to settle Pinky and the kittens, not when Vernon already had a room set up for them. He figures there’s been enough stress for the day and they should get some peace and space to relax, so you stretch out on the couch, taking your usual corner. Vernon sits next to you, the inch of space separating you feeling like a mile. 

Vernon glances at you, chewing on his lip before asking, “You’ll stay?” 

“Always.” 

The grin that splits his face has you swooning all over again, so when he throws an arm over your shoulder, leaning into your side, your brain fully stops functioning. You have to will thoughts into existence, which is silly because it’s Vernon and he’s done this a million times. But when you tuck your head onto his shoulder and he kisses the top of this head, you know everything is different. And exactly how you want it. 

“You’re definitely going to adopt Fried,” you say. 

His laughter bounces you. “No way.” 

“It’s Fried or Muffin. You can’t handle their cuteness, I saw you baby talking at them.” 

“I'll stay strong.” 

“What if I want a kitten?” 

Vernon doesn’t hesitate. “Egg is pretty cute.” 

“Sucker.” 

“Only for you.” 

thank you for reading <3

[footiehoemcfc]

A sip, and you score

Hello :), this is my first John fic, ngl I'm nervous bc its my first time writing for him. Anyway, if you have any ideas or request you can send them to me I will gladly do them :). My master list is pinned in my blog if you want to check it out. Fluff, smut, tw none, 2.8k words.

To say this season for John has been amazing is an understatement. He was selected for the England world cup squad, he is now challenging for the title again, UCL semis again, the FA cup final and having played in different positions and out of his comfort zone so well. You were very excited for him and so proud of all the hard work he has done, seeing it payoff is amazing. 

You and John started dating during Covid year. It was a very weird way to start a relationship, to quarantine with someone you had met for just 2 months. In a way, it was the best thing that could’ve happened to both of you. You had someone to spend a lot of time with, at times where it could become quite boring. You got to know him more than anyone and discover that actually, you two were perfect for each other. When you two first started dating, he was struggling to get into the team. It sucked seeing him sad and upset but seeing the progress he has made from that time to now; it just amazes you.

You were currently cuddled up to him, his arms around your waist and his chest pressed to your back. It was early in the morning and you knew his alarm would be annoying you at any second. Today was a big day, they were playing against Arsenal at home. John had told you he was not nervous but excited for this game. You on the other hand, you were very nervous because you know how south a game can go. 

You don’t know why, but you woke up with a very different feeling this morning than the feeling you had last night about the game. You felt in your gut they would win, and John having scored already and played amazingly you had a feeling he could score again. You didn’t want to jinx it, but you also wanted to let him know how sure you were and how confident you felt in him. 

You got up from bed carefully to not wake your sleeping boyfriend so he could enjoy 5 more minutes of sleep. You went straight to the kitchen to make yourself and John a cup of tea. You noticed the time, it was 8:55 am. You noticed how many tea bags were left, 5. You noticed you had unread messaged from last night, 5. You remembered a scene from the movie you binged with John last night, Focus. How they made someone choose the exact player they wanted him to choose to win a bet by making the man see the number 5 the whole day and subconsciously pick 55. All of these 5’s was giving you even more of a better feeling. You were always a big believer in intuition and going with your gut. 

You were thinking about all of this while making tea and jumped a little when you felt two strong arms wrap around your waist. “Morning my love” John said kissing your cheek. “Hi baby”, you stopped doing what you were doing, turned around and hugged him. Once you pulled away, John went outside so your dog could go potty and to take the trash out. 

John came back in and sat in the stool from the kitchen bar looking at his phone. You finished up the tea and placed his mug in front of him. “Are you excited about today?” you asked taking a sip from your tea. He placed his phone on the table and looked back at you, “Yea, I feel like it’s going to be a good game honestly”. “I have a good feeling too” “How? You said you were nervous last night” he says laughing. You laughed as well, you were scared but all these signs gave you a good feeling. Before John could take the first sip of his tea, you wanted to tell him it was different today. “I made a different tea today and… a sip of it means your scoring today so” you said playfully and proudly. “Is that so? You are making like a magic tea for me then?” he asked smiling. “Yea, I woke up with a good feeling today” “alright then” he takes a sip from his mug and smiles. He takes another one and soon enough he finishes his tea. “I guess I’m scoring a goal today then” he says smirking and you laugh. “If you do actually score, I want a bit of credit” you say as he comes closer to you. He grabs your face gently and kisses you. “You will get more than that”, you smirk when he says this knowing exactly what he means. 

John went back to his room to shower and leave to the training center before the game. Meanwhile you started doing work stuff to be free in the evening since you were attending the game. “Okay my love I’m off” John appears in your little office like space to kiss you goodbye. “Bye baby”, you both hug each other tightly like you do before every single game. He kisses you lovingly, “good luck yea? I know you are going to be so great today” you said smiling against his lips. He kisses you one more time before he has to leave. 

As excited as you were, you always had that thought in the back of your head of “what if they actually lose?” but you distracted yourself with work stuff, house chores and organizing your stuff around the house. 

It was near 6 pm and you started getting ready to go to the stadium. His family would all be there today, as well as some of the other teammates girlfriends which you have gotten very close with. Once you were satisfied with your makeup and outfit, you headed to your car. The whole ride to the stadium was filled with John’s playlist and it kind of made your nervousness go away, at least for a little bit. 

You were the first one in the box and you could see the staff arranging a banner they would display and the players warming up on the pitch. Before every game you would text John a quick message consisting of I love you and Good luck. This time, it included something else. “Already at the stadium! I love you and good luck! Score that goal for me please ;)”. 

Everyone else arrived to the box, you greeted his mom, dad, sister and Sasha who was in the box next to you. “I need them to win otherwise Jack gets so moody and it’s annoying” you laughed at Sashas’s joke. You were in between John’s sister and Sasha watching the game. The atmosphere was amazing, the stadium was bouncing. Everyone knew how important this game would be in order to win the title this season. 

The ref blew the whistle and not even 10 minutes in, Kevin scored the opener causing the whole stadium to roar. The game was looking good. You were holding either Sasha’s hand or fidgeting with your bracelets from the anxiety you had. Just before half time, they gained a free kick. You knew John loves his header goals, so you were excited to see if it would be a goal from him. Kevin made a really good pass and John was able to put it in the net. You all stood up once the ball went in, screamed but not even for a second. The goal was ruled as offside. “For fuck’s sake man” you said sitting down and covering your face. “They need to probably check it, damn that looked like a great goal” John’s sister told you. “Yea they are checking look” Sasha says pointing to the screen. “I really need him to score otherwise I will look like an idiot and disappoint him” you said while biting down on your nails, “what? What do you mean?” Sasha asked chuckling. “Oh god, I woke up today with a good feeling he would score and I told him, I was very confident and now if he doesn’t I will feel dumb” you said almost laughing know realizing it was just dumb coincidence all the signs you saw. “Oh my god look!” Sasha says pointing to the screen. The green line. It was a goal. You fucking called. “Yes!! I called it! Oh my god!”. Once the referee gave the goal, the whole stadium and all the players started celebrating and singing John’s song. You were so happy for him, and you saw he blew you kiss from the pitch after celebrating. 

The whole second half, city were playing amazingly with Kevin scoring another goal and Erling in the last minutes scoring one as well. You were so happy for the team, but you were even happier for John. You knew how much it meant to him the fans singing his name and making them proud. 

While you waited for John in the player’s lounge, you caught up with his family and some of the other wives and girlfriends. You still felt a lot of adrenaline form the game but the only thing you wanted to do right now was to hug and kiss John and say, “I told you so”. 

You saw your tall boyfriend enter the room and greet his parents first. They hugged him and congratulated him on the win and the goal. Once he saw you, he couldn’t help but just laugh to himself knowing exactly what you were about to say. He hugged you tight and kissed your temple. “I might more of your magic tea for the rest of the season” he whispered in your ear. You just laughed, pulled away just enough to see his face and give him a kiss. “I told you” you said smiling against his lips and he just chuckled. Once he talked to his parents and sister a bit more, they informed him he had to do some post-match interview. “I won’t be long yea, let me know when you get home yea?” he kisses your temple and leaves to the media room. You said your goodbyes to everyone and arrived safe at home. 

You made something quick to eat before John arrived so you could both just go to bed peacefully. Once you were done eating and cleaning up in the kitchen, you went upstairs to your bedroom and started getting ready for bed. You changed into your little shorts and a just a training bra. You pulled out your face wash, moisturizer, eye cream and oils to do your skin care. While you were washing your face, you heard the front door open meaning John was already home. “Babe?” John called out for you, “In the bathroom” you yelled out. 

You felt his two strong arms wrap around your waist while you were just applying moisturizer on your face. He gave started kissing your cheek, your shoulder and neck. Once he reached your sweet spot, you didn’t even realize you had stopped moving and just enjoying his kisses. “You said you wanted me to give you credit right” John whispered in your neck. You closed your eyes while his hand started touching your stomach, waist and finally comping up and cupping your breasts. “John” you moaned out, you turned around and immediately kissed him. It was a rough but loving kiss. His hand on your waist, your hands grabbing his neck and pulling on his hair. He lifted you up and you wrapped your legs around his torso. He carried you to bed, laid you down and kept making out with him in the process. He was on top of you kissing you, but he stood up and removed his hoodie and his joggers. He came back down and started kissing your lips again. Your hands roamed all over his toned body. 

After just kissing and making out for a little bit, you wanted to make him feel good after the game today. You tried to push him so you could be on top, but he stopped you “I thought I had to give you credit” he said smiling against your lips. “Yea, but I want to make you feel good”. He agreed and you were now on top of him. He was laying down while you were sitting on his lap. You stared slowly removing your bra so your breasts could be free. Once you threw your bra to the other side of the room, John came back up to you and nuzzled his face in between your breasts kissing them causing you to moan. Your hand pulling his hair, him gripping your hips, you rolling them so you could feel his bulge in your core. “Take this off” he said pulling your shorts down. You took your mini shorts off and now were completely naked straddling him. 

“Lay down babe” you whispered in his ear. He laid back down, you stood up and started removing his boxers. One off, you took him in the palm of your hand and started stroking him making him close his eyes and moan at your touch. You started slowly and after a minute, you place your mouth on him. He grabbed your hair, making you go up and down. As much as you loved how John always wanted to make you feel good, feel his face in between your legs, you loved making him feel good and making him cum. You didn’t want to finish just yet. You wanted to do it at the same time as him. 

“Baby, if you keep going I’m gonna cum” John says in between moans. You were on your knees bobbing your head up and down when he said this. You started coming back up to his face slowly, kissing all over his abs and torso, his chest, neck and finally his lips. You lined up your wet core with his cock and sank down in it. Once he was fully in you, it felt so good. You had your eyes closed, moaning while he watched and loved the view. This was his favorite position, you riding his cock. You started bouncing up and down, your breasts as well and John started moaning at the sight of you. “Oh my god John”, it felt so good. 

“I’m close” he started moaning, his hand firm gripping your hips helping you bounce on his cock. “Me too baby” you moaned out. You felt his hands leave your hips and grab your breasts. You lowered your hand down to your clit to feel your orgasm even more, turning John on more. He came up to you, now face to face to kiss you. He removed your hand from your clit and replaced them with his. You were both panting and moaning in each other’s mouth. “I’m cuming John” “Me too my love” “Cum with me baby”, it didn’t take long for both of you to see stars and cum at the same time. 

Straddling him, both of you just hugged riding out your high. He kissed your neck and chest lovingly. You pulled away to see his face and give him a kiss. He moved your strands of hair out of your face so he could see you properly. Your face was flushed and a bit sweaty like him. “I fucking love fucking you” John whispered against your mouth making you smile. “I love fucking you too” you replied chuckling. “Was that enough credit for the goal or do you need more?” “Mmmm maybe in the morning I can get more credit”, both of you laughed. 

Once you got cleaned up, you were too tired from the activities that took place. John made sure the front door was locked and all the lights were turned off. Once he returned back into the room, he laid down in bed and pulled you as close as possible to him. Your nose was bumping his, his hand around your waist and your hands on his chest and cupping his face. “I didn’t tell you before but, you played really good today. I love seeing you play so good because I know it means you are in a good place” he just smiled at what you said and kissed your nose. “Well I wouldn’t be in a good place if it wasn’t for you, you know?”, “what do you mean” you were confused now. “Ever since we’ve been together, I feel like you’ve been the one person in my life who has cared about me, like how I actually feel outside of football. You’re always at the games supporting me even if I don’t play, you’re the only person I want to see after a loss. I know I haven’t really said it but I’m very grateful for all of that” His comment made you smile and blush a little. You were happy that he appreciated you being a supportive girlfriend. “Well I just want to make sure you’re happy you know? I hated seeing you upset when you didn’t play or didn’t get called up. I’m really proud of how far you’ve come” “Thank you babe”. He kissed you, “I love you, more than anything” “Me too John, more than anything”. 

[paracosmicessence]

Hey! I love your art so much 💖 I wanted to ask what program you use for 3D modelling?

aw thank you!! :3

and to answer your question i’m going to warn you this is going to be kinda long because i’m gonna use this post as an excuse to show my 3D models that aren’t awful (sorry lol).

i actually use two different programs, both for different purposes, but you don’t need to get both, it really depends on which kind of modeling you want to do.

1) the first is called Nomad Sculpt on the iPad, you do have to pay for it unfortunately but it’s definitely one of the best modeling apps for the iPad. i know Blender is free but my computer is really old and doesn’t run the program very well, and at this point i’ve already gotten used to nomad sculpt.

anyway tho, i use it for art-related things like the obvious 3D models, but recently i’ve been playing around with just making scenes to use as references for my drawings. they’re not anything impressive, most of the time i actually use it to make little figurines to print and turn into earrings/little friends that sit in my room just for fun.

i’m gonna show this first bc they look cooler once they’re printed and colored (also you can tell i printed mini crowley and aziraphale when my sonadow hyperfixation started bc i never actually painted crowley) (he’s just kinda sitting there oops).

the little red guys are actually my favorite bugs (goliath beetles), i made them about a year ago but i still wear them like every day.

and here’s what they look like in the app, it’s a little intimidating but once you get used to it it’s actually kinda fun just playing around and seeing what you can do.

2) the second program i use is Shapr3D (also for the iPad, but i think they made an update where you can run it on windows/mac). you also have to pay for this as a subscription which sucks, i’m only able to use it since the engineering program i’m in pays for it.

Shapr3D is one of the many CAD software programs out there, but it’s nice bc it’s very beginner friendly and very easy to use. CAD is mainly for architecture/engineering but i honestly think more 3D artists should give it a try. it’s really nice once you get the hang of it and (i’m probably biased bc i’m a student) i honestly prefer it over just normal modeling software because i feel like you can be a lot more creative with it.

right now for my engineering class, our semester final is to design and present something that’s functional, and we can either explain the math behind it or just 3D print it and demonstrate how it works, and i’m making a functional mini model of “the rack” trap from Saw III (i’m not psychotic i swear i’ve just had a Saw hyperfixation for 5 years).

i’m definitely gonna post it when it’s finished just bc i’m already excited with how it’s turning out, but for now here’s a couple at-home projects i’ve done:

(above) i have a bunch of wet liners and i designed a stackable holder thingy with bolts between the shelves and a little cute star screw to fasten it at the top.

(above) i also made a few rotating brush holders at home (bc the ones that actually rotate are like $40 for some reason) by buying a set of small sphere bearings at home depot for like $5 (that’s what those little metal things are inside the third one, i took it apart bc i don’t know how to put a video and a picture in the same post) (just pretend they’re spinning rn).

anyway that’s all!! if you actually read this whole thing i love you so much bc engineering and design is one of my special interests so thanks for letting me tell you about the silly things i’ve made :3

[xoshepard]

i don't think im rly back but i said white people were annoying on my PRIVATE!!!! twitter account and they told me they were "limiting my post's reach" for hate speech (LMAOOOO MY REVERSE RACISM....) so imma make a small update post on here

school has been wonderful, we just finished the third week of classes and im starting to actually feel like maybe ppl calling me smart this whole time weren't just saying that to be nice?? like im flourishing in my classes

school-work-life balance is ass, i have a TA meeting on mondays, classes tuesday-thursday, and i spend friday-sunday doing homework and catching up on work, i've been out a couple times and im getting better at getting through my tasks so hopefully i can go out more in the future

my roommate sucks and im moving tomorrow to a place with a private bathroom bc sharing w her is making me lose it

my cohorts are great, out of the 6 first years 4 of them are japanese and i get along w everybody pretty well so far

there's one second year that's 30 and i am going to spend so much time with her bc i neeeeeed someone close to my age sdjkfghsj

we're studying a literary form called zuihitsu in my graduate seminar and even tho i've never been super interested in japanese literature i'm rly enjoying it bc it's basically like a newspaper column or a blog but from these ancient japanese aristocrats and im formulating and stewing and brewing on what my final paper is gonna be.

the adhd is not holding me back as much as i had feared, reading does take me a long time but i've been able to keep up with everything so far and like i said above, i'm getting better at getting shit done in a relatively timely manner. the place im moving to is on campus, so i'll also have some extra time without the commute that i can hopefully use on like. chilling.

i miss my mutuals on here i hope you guys are doing well :)

[cloutchaserkineme]

pre-US grand prix astro, and hbd leclerc!

7:25 a.m. Oct. 15 2024 under a roof under the rain

One last astrology post related to F1 to get it out of my system this week so I can freely tune in to the other stuff I have on my to do list bc this is getting out of hand. I've paid more attention to the F1 astro spreadsheet than I have for literally four other projects so I need to put an end to this.

First off- today a few days ago was Charles Leclerc's solar return! (Finishing this waaaay late bc I got swamped w work)

He has an AA chart, which means that profection years can be used more accurately. He just turned 27, coming in from a Saturn-ruled 3H year (driving, short-distance trips, communication, familiar places) to a Saturn-ruled 4H year (home, ancestry, foundation, privacy and coming home).

Although Saturn is still his timelord, this time his natal 4H Jupiter Aquarius now also joins the fray. Those are rather heavy generational planets in his chart, and is usually a signature of structure in his life- he has a natal Jupiter and Saturn sextile, which means that he gets so much support in his work from his hometown generally.

However, this year, his SR chart barely avoided being a full moon- which means that he also narrowly avoided a lot of the crazy stress and overstimulation that happens around the eclipse- particularly this one, which is conjunct Chiron, and is also the last one in the Aries-Libra axis for a while.

However, he is building up for a different kind of stress next year.

And now that Pluto in Capricorn is finally fucking direct again, Charles (and the rest of the cardinal-heavy grid) can get a rest from the spiritual washing machine of the early 20s.

Him, especially, finally getting somewhat of a break from the gutter of what must be either sleepless nights or health scares that he's been navigating for around three years now, since Pluto did its weird ups in 2020, and also considering that he's the only guy in the grid getting a 1-2 punch of the nodes in his luminaries.

(Big shoutout to Alex Albon and Esteban Ocon as well, for going through their nodal reversals this year. Big revelations with regards to their racing styles recently, but mostly for Alex, who has had the heavy pressures of Saturn pressuring his brain and good luck into diamonds these past two and a half years. Congrats on the hard-earned skills!)

However much Charles will be supported next year though, he will probably be more... scattered in a way, than he is now. Perhaps a lot more sponsorships here and there, more things to note of. SR Saturn in Pisces is still retrograde, and its ruler Jupiter is very dizzy in Gemini, as well as just freshly turning retrograde, which means that this whole next year will be unexpected for him, last-minute turns, and a fuckton of air, as the energy found in his 5H (play)-8H(debt) axis right now will stick with him for next year.

I've been rewatching the clip of him and Fred Horner jump into the bay in Monaco because that's what the best-case scenario energy of the SR return looks like for him honestly. The blessing of water, the gamble won by luck. Breaking a curse!

However, a lot of stuff will be delegated to him soon, and the muchness of it is what will suck major ass. These two are in mutable/mundane signs, which means that whatever will be the breaking point, it won't be an obvious thing. You can't pinpoint the one big source of his stress. It will be an accumulation of a lot of tiny ordinary things. That much spinny water in his house of creativity, risk, romance, and sports + twisty wind in the house of other people's money, secrets, and the community he gets from his career will combine into a huge hurricane next year.

Around February-March and August-September next year, will be good for him, I suppose, in a flowers-twisting-through-the-air kind of way. He'll do better abroad than at home.

However, astrology is a snapshot of the moment! And I want to see if my theories on this weekend's US Grand Prix will come into fruition for the racers based on what info I have on their charts (below the cut for more astrobabble):

F1 the race is primarily a sport. MARS, planet of action, will, drive, war, gasoline, fuel, combustion, things that go fast- it is king here in all the sport, especially one directly born from the war like F1 was.

Formula One the event, however, is a wonderful combination of Mercurial and benefic energy. It is considered the pinnacle of motorsports. It's an athletic competition that assigns points not to the strength or prowess of the body (Mars = physical strength) but rather, the power of the shell (Venus = adornment) they sit in, and the strategy + constant innovation made by multiple minds on the track all at once (Mercury = communication and relay) to get that shell on the track.

And also- Jupiter! A dry planet in a wet sign, going across all borders. The planet of wisdom and generosity is not as Mr. Worldwide as they should be in Sagittarius, but luck is not the point when it is in Pisces. Mysticism is the point in Pisces. Societal construct and keeping shit in is the point of Pisces (and I will talk about how racers with water placements consistently dominate the other fire-ruled racers in this sport next time, when I've finished the spreadsheet and get all 800+ racers on there).

This is the chart I cast from the first F1 race btw, if you care. a more accurate F1 chart would be the day they signed the papers to get the event rolling, but for obvious reasons that document might not be open to the public. so this is the first F1 race in Silverstone. The article covering the event didn't mention the exact time the race started, so pay no mind to the ASC, I just aligned it so that Pluto is there.

To reiterate, F1 is a very shiny, very expensive, very fast and meticulous team sport as much as it relies on the driver, and while Mars is important here, he does not always get to dictate what goes on during a race.

So, can we use astrology to find out who wins the Grand Prix this weekend? Yes!

Can I do it? No.

LMAO I wish I was that skilled! However, making guesses is one of the free things in life that we have. And good for me, since I like experiments.

In order to "guess" who'll dominate the track, we'll have to establish two* things: the condition of the planets of the current racers; and the condition of the planets as they currently are in the sky right now.

But Helen! You say. Nobody has the fucking time to look up all of the racer's possible natal charts and color-code all seven of their traditional placements according to essential dignity! What kind of a weirdo would do such a-

Oh, look. Here's a totally-not-obsessive spreadsheet of the natal planets of the current grid (including Daniel and Logan, w/c I haven't marked), as of the 2024 Singapore Grand Prix. Only a handful have accurate birth times, so no ASC, and mind the moon placements.

Before you say anything, I am clearly not the first astrogirlie who attempted to do this. Astro dot com has an AA-Rodden-rated chart of the first F1 racer all the way back in the 1950s, as well as rectified birth times for those famous racers whose birth certificates are not publicly available. Greater, more weirder minds than me have tried to tackle this. But I am the only one doing so on Tumblr. I think.

Anyway, now that we've established that, let's look at the conditions of the sky this weekend!

Aspects: T-square between Fallen Mars, Fallen Sun, and Pluto in Capricorn; Venus sep. from Pluto, about to oppose Moon and detriment Jupiter; Grand Water Trine (by sign) from Mars, Mercury, and Saturn.

T-square between Fallen Mars, Fallen Sun, and Pluto in Capricorn

Most likely to affect: The Cardinal-heavy people, but most likely Leclerc, Perez, Alonso, and Bottas; who have more than 3 Cardinal placements each

Most stable drivers: The Water-heavy people, namely Sainz, Hamilton, and Stroll, who have more than 4 water placements each; and a special shoutout to Saturn making Albon especially stable (3 Pisces) (update: it's his 100th race! <3) , and Mars for making Alonso especially slick (3 Cancer)

Mars: Unhappy in a wet sign, will continue to be there until next year. Normal road rage is not cutting it on the track. This is the personal attacker, the passive aggressive warrior. Whoever is usually on top is now at the bottom. Emotional overtakes.

Sun: It does not like being in the sign of Libra, but now that it will be ruled by Venus in Sagittarius giving Ms. International vibes (and US being a Sagittarius country itself), and is also the anchor of this T-square between two big planets, it is going to give more pressure to those with Libra/Sagittarius placements. Perhaps even literal heat? Leclerc will be the most affected, followed by Zhou and Magnussen. Verstappen has the natal sextile between his Libra Sun + Mars in Sag as well, but the stars favor Libra III sun Leclerc better right now.

Venus separating from Pluto, about to oppose Moon and detriment Jupiter

Most likely to affect: Sagittarius placements, namely Verstappen, Leclerc, and Perez (natal Mars in this sign); Piastri (Jupiter Return, now Rx**); Hamilton, Russell, Hulkenberg, and Colapinto (one planet in Sag, to a lesser degree than the others)

Most supported drivers: Venus doesn't do well in motorsports/the game itself, but it sure as hell will drive up connections and funding for whoever is here, especially since the US likes a certain type of branding in its racehorses. Affected Fire Venuses on the grid; Leclerc, Piastri, Hulkenberg, and Ocon

Venus: Finally a fire sign in the sky, so expect more fights and a lot more friction on the tracks.

Moon & Jupiter: Mercury-ruled placements will have more air for this game. Since a majority of the grid has significant air placements, this wouldn't really stand out for any single racer. Piastri might be supported if he doesn't go the way of the two others, while Colapinto and Zhou might be noticed (but it possibly might be a personal thing that's not significant to the race).

Grand Water Trine (by sign) from Mars, Mercury, and Saturn

Most likely to affect: Alonso and Albon, and to a lesser degree Sainz, Hamilton, Russell. Can't say whether it'd be personally significant to them because there's no confirmed birth time for most of them, but it would be fun to see who gets bolstered during this highly emotional weekend.

To summarize, my guess would be that Leclerc and Perez perform the best this week though it won't necessarily translate to a podium. Piastri is a wildcard. The air-fire mutable energy in the sky is highly conducive to the air-fire cardinal-heavy grid, and indicates a lot swapped positions.

This would've been more easier because whoever has the most prominent Jupiter placement would be the winner- but I make do with the information that I have and the limitations of what I can interpret. Incredible fun.

(side note: Pluto planting its generational butt firmly in Aquarius next year up to the next 20 years could also just signal a change in F1 overall. Of course it would be detrimental across the grid, considering that the EU had passed a gasoline car ban for 2035, and that particular legislation's effect on motorsports as a whole will be an interesting landmark case to watch.

It's not going to happen anytime soon- but F1 is a ticking clock, and we'll see the first major regulation changes directly affected by that law next season. It's not too far to assume that we will see the last generation of true motor-oil-smoke racers in our lifetime, which is why it's kind of crazy to watch all of them now, here.)

(30) 10:02 a.m. Oct. 18 (I had too much work to do lmao)

*there's a third one, which requires me to check their fucking astrocartography lines and see how lucky they are in Austin, Texas. But my weirdery also has limits. Such as the human need to eat food and get out of the chair.

**Piastri is also the only one who had a Jupiter return in Gemini still on the grid. Both Ricciardo and Sargeant have dropped out.

[fireemblems24]

Azure Gleam Ch 13

Alright guys, we're getting close to finishing this thing - like 10 years later, but still here.

MAIN STORY

Ok, guys, the hard battle is over. Dimitri stomping everything is all I have left to do, I hope.

I wonder if I dislike Claude now. He's here and on our side, but I think "ew" and "ugh" when I see him now.

Claude suspects stuff.

Seteth is lecturing Hilda for whining lamo.

Seeing Claude, Rhea, and Dimitri all fight on the same side is cool, even if I find Claude annoying as fuck right now.

I wish Rhea would lead the knights herself, but instead she just gets sidelines so hard in AG. Hopes as a whole tgh.

Oh! No side battles! Not all that mad. Bc that means this'll speed things up a bit lol.

MAP/SIDE BATTLE

Sylvain is admiring Dimitri and Felix and how good of leaders they are. He's hoping he gets his act together soon too lol.

It's cool seeing Byleth and Jeralt around. Rhea's here too. The camp is packed with little blue and yellow dots.

There's a letter from Glenn on the table :(

Seems a bit cheap that Byleth only supports Jeralt and Shez, but can reach A with everyone. Like a cop out.

Honestly, neither of them have a ton of supports (Jeralt or Byleth). A bit bummed, but I guess you get them kind of late. Too bad this game never got a DLC. Byleth/lord supports would've sold that.

ANNETTE & DEDUE B

Annette needs help using Crusher. It's too heavy for her.

Annette thinks she needs to gain weight, but Dedue says that's not everything and is willing to help her out.

He helps her train with a bag of rocks and credits him with the motivation to try.

Dedue hesitates a bit when replying to her though, making Annette curious.

Pretty much a set up for part 2.

ANNETTE & DIMITRI B

Their only support this game.

Annette creates a disaster in the kitchen (or training grounds, unclear). With Dimitri's help. So . . . they tried cooking together? Yeah. That was never going to end well.

Dimitri and Annette both blame themselves. Dimitri "wins" though.

Dimitri wishes he were better with magic, but it runs in the family. He wanted to be a mage when he was younger.

"An old friend of mine would give magic demonstrations." - probably Edelgard?

Annette is willing to help Dimitri learn magic. She wants to get better at teaching. Dimitri really wishes he could learn magic.

Annette really wants to be a teacher.

She encourages him not to hold back. I think he made another explosion. Poor Annette has her work cut out for her lol.

INGRID & MARIANNE B

Horse girls final support.

Ingrid's been trying to figure out what her horse is thinking/wants based on behavior but is struggling.

Unlike Marianne, but, you know, she has help lol.

Ingrid's horse doesn't want to move again, so Marianne comes to help.

The horse/pegasus doesn't want to go to the battlefield because she's worried about Ingrid (and remembering Scarlet Blaze, that sucks, Fuck SB for killing Ingrid)

Ingrid is getting better connecting with her horse, and now will go get to save her friend.

When Ingrid's leaving, Marianne starts wishing for something but doesn't say what, Ingrid guesses horseback riding together and guesses right.

Ingrid credits to spending time with Marianne and getting to know her.

So Ingrid and Marianne are friends now. Good for both of them.

SHEZ & RODRIGUE A

Rodrigue is looking for a book on mercenaries.

When Shez asks why, Rodrigue skirts around it and Shez calls him out.

After a tough battle with Jeralt and co, Rodrigue wants to read up on mercenaries to make sure he understands their tactics better and avoid potential disaster.

Shez is impressed with Rodrigue for still studying after so long.

Rodrigue says he's not as smart as Gautier or courageous as Lambert, so he has too.

Shez says Rodrigue and Felix are close alike than either would admit - they both always want to improve themselves.

(and that Dimitri and Sylvain are like their dad's too)

Rodrigue still feels he doesn't measure up to the other two though :( But I'm happy Shez had such nice things to say about Rodrigue.

MERCEDES & ASHE B

Ashe turned pale while training. He plays it off as nothing, but Mercedes calls him out.

He got a minor injury, which reminded him of seeing a ghost.

Oh, poor Ashe, Mercedes starts playing 100 questions with him - wanting to know what it was wearing lol.

Ashe tells the story - he went looking for herbs to help his sick brother and saw a ghost in the fog. While running away, he got a similar injury.

Mercedes isn't scared of his tale. She's heard it before. In her tale, it wasn't a ghost though, but a shadow. Making Ashe think he saw his own shadow too.

Now Ashe thinks he lived in fear of his own shadow, lamo.

Ashe is like, you should hear this guy's story, and there's no one there.

But this isn't Ashe pulling on Mercedes, but him thinking he found another ghost because there was never anyone else around, lol.

FELIX & RAPHAEL A

Raphael wants to work out. Felix yells at him for being loud and giving him away.

Felix is boar hunting lamo.

Raphael talks about how Petra taught him a special technique. So now we have a Deer and Lion training, talking about an Eagle.

The boar they're hunting is wounded, but Felix is still weary of it.

Felix failed to hunt a boar before.

Dimitri once hunted so many animals that they couldn't fit them all on the sled lol. Felix struggled to get one.

Raphael gets confused when Felix is talking about boar, if he means a real boar or Dimitri lol.

Raphael wants to help Felix get revenge for the boar that got away.

And he attacks head-on, much to Felix's dismay, but he got it. Felix is a bit stunned it went down so quickly.

Felix admits that maybe working with friends helps sometimes. And Raphael is happy Felix called him friend.

This was actually way more entertaining than I thought it would be (Raphael supports can be . . . you know . . . dull or amusing, this one was amusing)

Plus I love hearing the story of Dimitri being an apex hunter as a child and Felix grumbling off trying to bag his own boar and failing lamo.

RODRIGUE & FELIX A

Rodrigue wants to talk. Felix tried to brush him off. And Rodrigue's like shut up and sit down, boy. But nicely.

He wants to talk because neither know when they'll die and don't want lingering regrets. Which, knowing what happens in Azure Moon . . . :(

Rodrigue apologizes for what he said about Glenn. Which I find a bit stupid because he was a grieving father so . . .

Thankfully, Rodrigue gets to explain his thoughts behind it. Acknowledging Glenn's agency in his decisions too.

Felix denies Glenn's agency and can only get Dimitri to say he caused Glenn to die :(

Rodrigue acknowledges that, but asks Felix what he would've done. Let Dimitri die and run away to save himself or do what Glenn did.

Felix gets angry at the idea that saving your own life is cowardice and that, when the time actually comes with something like that, you don't think - only act. So . . . he walked into Rodrigue's trap lol, who'll say then Glenn acted and choose to act that way.

Felix is such a dunce, saying "we'd both survive." Rodrigue rightly accuses him of wanting it both ways lol.

Felix says he understands Rodrigue's way of thinking, but dislikes Glenn's death being glorified.

Felix apologizes too, for his own bad behavior. For hitting Rodrigue.

Felix can't stand dealing with feelings anymore and leaves lol.

I'm sooooo glad this game let Rodrigue have a voice. It was always obvious to anyone with a shred of media literacy what Rodrigue meant, but Hopes let him spell it out.

DIMITRI & YURI B

Yuri's staring at Dimitri. Same. Same.

Yuri's impressed/confused at how quickly Dimitri blended in.

Dimitri's now thinking about the best way to help the poorest (we stan a good king, guys). It's something he's thought a lot about.

He thought medical facilities or investing more in the church (who do more to help the poor than anyone else in this game) would be best, but being around them made him realize that they should get the chance to take charge of their own "destiny."

He wants rulers to actually listen to what the people need best and actually do it rather than what's best for himself.

Yuri says education for everyone is necessary. Dimitri agrees.

But then Yuri makes the point that people won't care about education if they're starving or homeless. (so really, his earlier goals of building medical facilities where people get free/cheap healthcare isn't too far off).

So Dimitri wants to improve quality of life, then build educational reform on top of that.

But of course Edelgard's warmongering is draining money, so Dimitri can't make lives for the common folk better and needs to end the war fast so he can focus on helping people and not keeping little miss imperialist away.

Yuri says if money's the problem, he can use Yuri who can connect Dimitri to merchants and hitman lol. Dimitri's like "no working evil in my name!" He's also cautious about working with Yuri because he's backstabbed people in the past.

Yuri says he promises to honestly work with Dimitri, even protect him, because working with Dimitri will help his dream come true too. So he believes in Dimitri's leadership and vision.

Dimitri says he's grown to trust Yuri too.

Man, I need a sequel game where Yuri and Dimitri work on improving Faerghus together.

SHEZ & FELIX B

So . . . I had no idea I hadn't seen this support yet. I have their A unlocked for a while now too, though, I'll wait to see it since I'm getting support fatigue at the moment.

They're training. Felix insults Shez's footwork. What a typical Felix support lol.

Shez says she has a lot on her mind. Felix calls her a worthless partner if she's training distracted.

And then explains how Shez can't afford to do that on the battlefield (like a mercenary needs telling that lol).

Shez is surprised how much Felix has a read on her.

Felix wants to know where Shez learned how to fight because it's not like a knife or a mercenary.

Shez had a lot of teachers and just picked up stuff here and there. She doesn't use the playbook that knights or mercs usually use.

Shez says she has her unique style which is to her benefit. Felix wants her to teach him. But Shez thinks it's too reliant on the sword Felix can't use. Felix is like try me.

I can agree or refuse to teach him. Obviously I'm agreeing. (I would totally be an ass if it was character I didn't like lol).

Shez comments on Felix's style too - reacting to the say things are playing out.

Shez thinks she'll get stronger too.

I seriously can't believe I let these two sit at B for so long.

ANNETTE & DEDUE A

Annette comes across Dedue training. She insists he takes a break, but he insists on training still because he's not strong enough.

He feels inadequate because he can't use a hero's relic.

He admits he's jealous that others can use such powerful weapons.

Annette's surprised that he opened up, and appreciates that he opened up around her after he tried to dial back and apologize.

Annette talks about how impressed she is with him - his ability to cook and sow where she can't, and his sheer strength despite not using a relic. She thinks he'd be too good if he could use one lol.

Dedue talks about her strengths too - her optimism and how that lifts everyone up around her. Annette is happy if she can help anyone even a little.

Annette made dinner. The bottom of the pot fell out, but she insists that dinner still tastes great.

Someone tell Annette she's not destined to work in marketing lol.

Dedue still goes to eat dinner after hearing that. Brave man.

BYLETH & JERALT B

Definitely one of the supports I was looking forward too.

Byleth has a lot of blood on his clothing and is trying to wash it out and is failing.

Jeralt says washing blood out is more work than it's worth. Proof that man's never had a period.

Jeralt says Byleth reminds him of Sitri when they first meant. She had the same quiet composure and would rather clean a handkerchief she was cleaning than throw it away.

She never laughed or cried either, like Byleth, not at first at least.

Byleth asks why Jeralt is talking about all this now. Jeralt says he's feeling guilty of the lifestyle he's given Byleth - no home, no friends, always battles.

He says life would be different if Sitri was still alive.

Byleth doesn't regret his life and likes having Jeralt around.

It's nice to learn more about Sitri.

JERALT & SHEZ C

Jeralt comes across Shez fishing. Shez is weary. Jeralt tells Shez to relax, but Shez isn't used to it.

Jeralt is like, we're mercs, life happens, it's not personal.

Shez brings up the beginning where Jeralt's Mercenaries wiped out Shez's old company. Glad they're addressing this.

Shez is still upset about it. Jeralt understands now.

He asks if Shez has a grudge. I can choose yes or no. I'm gonna choose yes. I think this Shez would admit to attachments to other people, plus the conflict is more interesting, I think.

Shez talks about how much she liked that group and shares her goals of defeating the Ashen Demon.

Jeralt's like, you just have to let that go now.

Shez admits she's partly relieved because she couldn't defeat Byleth. Jeralt is like, that means you think you could beat me? Shez is like, well, I'd have to try first.

Then Shez helps Jeralt untangle his fishing string and comments on his lack of dexterity.

Jeralt then apologizes about what happened to Shez's mercenary company, especially since it was just too minor lords spewing.

He says he didn't originally plan on killing them, but she (the old captain) came charging in trying to use Jeralt to make a name for herself.

Shez understands, but still seems regretful.

Def hope I can unlock their A in time to see how this resolved (they don't have a B support).

MAIN BATTLE

No side battles this chapter. Onto the showdown at Ailell. Which means fire ground. Ugh. Gonna make everyone a flier that it makes sense for.

They're run into the Black Eagles. The Emperor's personal force.

Claude is there. Man, I gotta play Three Houses again. Every time I see him I'm like "ugh." I did NOT used to think that way.

Wait, is Edelgard actually here? I thought she was some kind of zombie whatever.

TWSITD is there (or mysterious dark mages). Claude is like "you know these people?"

Man, why is Dimitri trusting Claude. Telling him "don't let your guard down." Dimitri wants Claude about the mages. I wouldn't count on Claude's support if he was the only person left.

Even though this IS the only route where Claude's actions make any sense lol. It's definitely in his best interest to put a stop to the Empire's warmongering.

Arval's like, maybe we can learn something this time!

Arval's not upset if they never learn the truth and promises to be with Shez always regardless.

I gotta defeat Duke Aegir and Edelgard. Interesting that she's actually there.

Ohh, persuade Death Knight. They were setting him up to be here, but I didn't know I could recruit him. Makes way more sense than in Houses where you can't. Not surprised you need Mercedes to do it. I always bring her anyways.

Dimitri took out Ladislava right away lol.

Death Knight showed up. I'm beyond seeing him as a scary opponent though lol.

Mercedes defeated the Death Knight as an NPC. Is that automatic or just funny coincidence?

Aegir and Edelgard ran away. Really wish I could've killed Aegir. Killing Edelgard would stop the war too.

I killed Caspar and Bergliez so fast the dialogue didn't even finish lol. Dimitri too strong. They both ran away. Honestly, couldn't care less about killing this version of Caspar.

Oh, cool cut scene. And, ok, it's cool to see Claude and Dimitri fighting back-to-back.

Claude tells Dimitri to run after Edelgard while he holds off the Empire here. Not sure I trust him at all, but like I said, this is the only route where his choices make any sense.

Dimitri has 74 strength lol. No wonder he kills everything so fast.

Cool to get Jeritza though.

xxx

[dangerpronebuddie]

I'm so sick of feeling like this.

Just need to rant for a moment because I am so frustrated with myself.

A couple years back, I started having a constant pain in my knee. I went to the doc and he recommended physical therapy. My PT discovered my hips were really misaligned. Like how the fuck are you walking misaligned. She set them back into place (which hurt like a bitch) but then a back pain set in and whenever I walked more than like, a hundred yards, I'd get this sharp pain down the outside of my shin and into my foot (and now the pain in the foot is a constant. It's never not there anymore). But the pain in my leg would never happen during a PT session, so she couldn't figure out what to do for it. When did it actually do it during one? Ten minutes before my final appointment ended. I couldn't keep going bc my insurance wouldn't pay it. But while I was there, she had me see their spinal specialist. She had to reset my hips again, and gave me different exercises to do. Whenever I did them, a new pain would show up. It was frustrating as hell and we all kinda gave up after that. I didn't bother going back to the doc to try and get the insurance to give me more appointments because it wouldn't have done anything.

For the past two-ish years since then, I've been putting up with chronic pain in my back/hips and that stabbing pain in my lower leg. But it's fine, I can usually manage most days.

My family, more often than not, just tell me to push through when it gets really bad. I know they hurt too, they have their own issues, but it really sucks because it makes me feel like they don't believe I hurt as bad as I do.

Anyway. There's only been a few times the pain brought me to tears. It's usually that sharp pain in my leg that does it (pretty sure it's a pinched nerve pero... ¯⁠\⁠_⁠(⁠ツ⁠)⁠_⁠/⁠¯. I stand still (or on a few memorable occasions fall over) and wait it out and then get about my business, cause what other option is there? Today though? Today was the worst I have felt in a long time.

I was cooking with my mom- something I love to do- but I've noticed lately I find it less and less enjoyable. For some stupid reason it took until today to figure out the pain is why. But anyway. My back really started to ache, but I pushed through. Mom was really hurting too (we think she and I have the same issue- whatever it is), so I just worked through it. I didn't want to leave her to finish all the work by herself. Things were fine, it was honestly a pretty average pain day. But I got up to do the dishes after we ate and a pain in the left side of my back had me sobbing. I couldn't- and still can't- stand upright. I had to have help to get to a chair. The back massager I use when it gets really bad only made it feel like pins and needles. I'm lying in bed afraid to move because the slightest wrong move will have me in tears again.

But the pain isn't what bothers me the most.

I feel useless. I'm so frustrated at the fact I don't know what's going on, let alone how to stop it. I don't know what makes it worse, what makes it better, nada. I have so little energy, some days I don't even want to leave my chair/ bed. I can't go back to the doc for it right now (which is a whole other issue in itself), so I'm left trying to figure out what the fuck is wrong with me. And coming up empty. I hate feeling like this. I hate bending over and constantly worrying if I'll be able to stand back up. I hate walking and having to stop just to let the pain subside. I hate this. I hate this, I hate this, I hate this.

[tacticalhimbo]

so!! i finished watching runs of phantom liberty... and vin's getting a new canon. this dlc and its new ending are canon for him.

i just think the storyline does a great job at showing what vin really wants, and what it takes for him to realize that.

dlc storyline spoilers under the cut, even if they're pretty out of context/explained horribly.

also if ya see this twice very sorry posted this on my rp blog too but i post abt vinny a lot here so y'all get the character development too ♡ i'm so fucking normal (lie)

when this happens is after? you talk to the vdb. so vin's already been up shit's creek by this point. there's the shit with ev. the shit with takemura. the shit with the cados. he's been tugged around.

and then? then his relic gets hacked! and he's told to get his ass to the most dangerous part of nc? alone? yeah. yeah. he's not happy. johnny isn't either, but at this point vin's at a low and honestly could see him following songbird hoping to die.

and then he gets everything thrown on him.

- hey i need your help saving the president.

- hey im the president i need your help getting out of here, the attack came from the inside and i dont trust anybody.

- hey youre now a federal intelligence agent and tour making contact with a sleeper agent bc my runner that contacted you went missing thx.

he's already there, fuck it. maybe some gonk-brain will kill him. but. but!

there is a part of him still kinda hopeful. maybe one more step and he gets the help he needs. one more contact. one more task. and it just. keeps. going.

he's pulled into the monotonous bullshit he tried so hard to escape from. being pulled around on all these fronts again, especially as it comes out songbird is the traitor; this has been in the works for what? months now? because she knows about militech's own version of soulkiller and she, being led on by meyers, was used as a bow and made a portal for the blackwall to conduct govt espionage.

but it just. keeps. getting. worse!

songbird leaves him for dead. reed is stonewalling him. alex is fucking dead. johnny's quieter than usual. he's all alone in fucking dogtown and the only person he feels REMOTE TRUST for is feeding him nothing. and it sucks! but he's still trying to believe that he'll get that out.

and there's so many good convos with the characters in this dlc about morality, mortality, and consequence.

and it ultimately ends with vin trusting reed and them breaking songbird outta maxtac custody, bc surprise the blackwall connection makes you go cyberpsycho. and she makes it to the derelict militech lab that u go into alone alone, bc johnny gets sliced and ur comms are fucked. and there's this whole sequence of almost dying, being hunted alien isolation style by a blackwall ai controlled spider mech, and then you find songbird and she BEGS YOU to kill her. BEGS. and vin just... cant.

it's ironic coming from him considering so many of his dumb decisions are an expression of his suicidality, but he helps. he continues to help!

and even after, he's treated like shit. reed keeps stonewalling him. president myers is a cunt who cordially reminds him of the oath he took and the nice, tight leash she has around his neck.

and then? when he's finally "rescued"? ||he doesnt even say goodbye to anyone. and that hurts the most. arasaka ending sucked, sure, but this? no rooftop talk with misty. no goodbye to vik. just a text explaining he'll be outta town for a bit. and then it ends up being TWO YEARS. HE'S IN A COMA FOR TWO YEARS. ALONE. IN LANGLEY.

and when he wakes up, reed continues. to. stonewall. him. keeps it vague. apologizes, sure, but even now he cannot bring himself to actually care. which is understandable when you look at his character but. vin is livid.

there was no closure. no guarantee he'd even wake up. he could have up and died and nobody would ever fucking know!

and then he gets back to nc and... oh.

oh things changed. things really changed:

- vik became a corpo doc, working for some zetatech corp. he says he didn't have a choice.

- misty is just gone. you run into her after getting jumped by street mercs, and she's on her way to poland.

- arasaka? fucking gone. takemura and hanako went into everything alone and *hanako just up and fucking died.* no explanation. dunno if yori killed her or what. but takemura is in hiding now bc they believe he killed hanako *and* saburo. then yori stepped down as ceo all together.

- didnt see the others' calls so idk what happens with panam, judy, and river, but it can't be much better for them.

and i just...

the whole idea of vin being forced into the background being both a relief and a terror to him is so... it's so good. the idea that he lost everything again, but he now has control over that.

it fucks him up, that's for sure. the dialog you have with reed? with vik? with misty? some real shit. he's on the verge of that suicidality again, but he lived. he can live. he has control over that now.

and it's for the first time in a long time, considering the fact he worked with arasaka counter-intel. he awaited death for so long, knowing it could come at any second, that there's a... bitterness. in losing that feeling. a confusion in the fact he can just. exist without consequence.

this is really the meat of it tho. the last bit. the fact that vin is both the exact same man he was and someone entirely new.

the fact that he changed and didn't. that he's messy and there is no truly happy ending for him, that he's just... human.

that in the end, he still fucked over johnny (except at least in the arasaka ending, he was kinda understanding to a point. here? he's just angry. dejected. vin's last words to him were that he couldn't forgive him for the shit he's done to his body) and still LOST the game of life.

he still lost. but he lost in the best way possible.

the legend of v is out there, but he doesn't have to be that. live up to it. he can just be... him. and i think that's all he really wants, in the end. to learn who he is and to be him. a chance to just exist without consequence. to not have to make choices on who gets harmed and why. to make choices of dire urgency. to just... breathe.

it just took so much for him to realize that, and it's going to weigh on him for god knows how long (if not his whole life, whatever remains of it).

[storybook-souls]

top ten books i read in 2022

in order of how much i enjoyed them, not necessarily how good they are, although i do stand by them all being good. limited myself to one per series bc i do think otherwise seven out of these ten would be the raven cycle and the locked tomb series. add me on storygraph @strawberrrysky for more book opinions and also bc i desperately want more storygraph friends

(i promise my descriptions get shorter as i go on)

1. The Raven Boys, by Maggie Stiefvater

i somehow missed reading trc when i was a teenager and then avoided it for a while out of a combination of stubbornness and a total misconception of what the books were about. fortunately this year my friends responded to my plea for fantasy books in a modern setting by telling me to just suck it up and read the raven boys already and by the end of chapter 1 i was intrigued, by the end of chapter 7 i was locked the fuck in, by the end of chapter 15 i was like “oh okay this is gonna be my personality for a while.” the prose, the system of magic, the atmosphere, and above all the characters...augh. i love these books and i love the raven boys in particular i think maggie stiefvater REALLY knows how to establish her characters and her world and how to pull a reader in and how to give you that bubbly “it was starting!” feeling right alongside the characters. also the whole last act of this book made me experience brand new emotions. i could go on but i think everyone who hasn’t read these books yet should at least CONSIDER it.

2. Harrow the Ninth, by Tamsyn Muir

it’s CRAZY how good this book (the second in the locked tomb series) is. it’s CRAZY. it shouldn’t work but it absolutely does. the prose, the set-up and payoff, the hiding things in plain sight. there’s NOTHING more satisfying than the way everything clicks together at the end. tamsyn muir said “you ARE going to read this book that’s inexplicably in second person and seems at first to totally disregard the first book in the series and you’re going to love it” and i respect her so much for that. and the CHARACTERS! the PLOT! genuine masterpiece i think it’s one of the smartest-written books i’ve ever read

3. Gravity is the Thing, by Jaclyn Moriarty

i LOVED this book. Jaclyn Moriarty’s prose is so melodic and fun to read--usually when i read a book in three days it means something about the plot really seized me but in this case it was more just how much i was enjoying her style. it manages to balance a sense of whimsy with feeling real and honest, which is exactly what i want from this kind of contemporary fiction. book about connection, book about grief, book about hope, loss, healing, resilience, imagination...when i finished it i cried for half an hour and it felt like my soul had taken a shower

4. Piranesi, by Susanna Clarke

Piranesi had been “at the top of my to-read list” for over a year by the time i finally got to it and i was a bit worried my expectations were going to be too high but oh my GOD was it every bit as good as everyone said. NO one is doing it like this book and I don’t want to tell you much more about it because I think the less you know the better but what a win for slow reveals and satisfying endings.

5. The Book of Eels, by Patrik Svensson

my nonfiction winner for this year. I learned so much about eels and also cried about humanity and family which is always what I’m looking for from a book

6. The Only Good Indians, by Stephen Graham Jones

i have GOT to get into reading more horror this book was so awesome. scary and brilliantly written and atmospheric and didn’t pull its punches even at all.

7. Jurassic Park, by Michael Crichton

one of my few re-reads this year but i LOVE this book, especially the masterful slow build in the first half of it. the horror of a dinosaur eating someone is one thing, the horror of human hubris and dramatic irony is another.

8. The Devourers, by Indra Das

the most visceral book i’ve ever read i think. now THIS is love and consumption! now THIS is a book about telling stories and being human!

9. Artificial Condition, by Martha Wells

The murderbot diaries are like. 80% funny and fast-paced and action packed and then all of a sudden you’ll hit a line or a concept that makes you have to put the book down and take a few laps around the room. Murderbot’s relationship with ART especially made me really feel like I was losing my mind. This is what I like about sci-fi.

10. The Ocean at the End of the Lane, by Neil Gaiman

this book is incredibly well written and i think the horror elements stuck with me more than some of the actual horror books I read this year. just a really gorgeous and atmospheric and dreamlike story that manages to convincingly feel like it’s playing with huge things while still keeping the scope of the story very small. like a whole ocean in a pond, one could say,

HONORABLE MENTIONS:

11. The Queen’s Gambit, by Walter Tevis (can’t help it i’m a sucker for a chess game)

12. Gone Girl, by Gillian Flynn (i think i’d’ve liked it more if i hadn’t already known all the twists but even knowing what was going on it was still fucking awesome)

13. Owls of the Eastern Ice, by Jonathan C. Slaght (i think i learned more from this one than anything else i read this year)

14. The Traitor Baru Cormorant, by Seth Dickinson (no one is doing it like her)

15. Black Cake, by Charmaine Wilkerson (a win for my book club)

[megacarapa]

new needlepoint - i want to live here so fucking bad

this is wiehler needlepoint 2317 "es klappert die mühle am rauschenden bach" (the mill rattles by the rushing brook), which i actually just now learned is named after a german children's song - its pretty cute!

i was gonna put the process pics at the end of the rant but then the rant ended up too long so here they are at the beginning, i also added the dates each picture was taken =)

this is my first wiehler needlepoint out of 5 i got from the mentors at the embroidery workshop (originally 4 but i got another one just this week), FOR FREE, which is crazy to think about since the kits for these things arent that cheap to buy, but they gave them to me bc they were just sitting around with no one planning to actually make them

needlepoint used to be more popular over here back in ye olden days and it even used to be taught in home ec class, so both my grandmas, mom and even DAD used to make them in school, which i never knew about bc by the time i was going to school home ec classes were long gone from the curriculum, which sucks because it would have been awesome to learn stuff like this as a kid

out of the 5 kits i got, this was the smallest so i decided to do it first, the rest of them get progressively bigger and bigger until the last one which is kind of mind bogglingly huge, will i really be able to finish all of these? im honestly not sure, but i dont mind the idea of having something to work on that could take me my whole life (or like, 5 years)

these needlepoints are also different from the ones ive done up til now cause instead of the picture being printed onto the cloth, here you get an empty cloth with only counting squares printed on it and you need to follow the pattern from a paper, which i already got practice for by working on that llama cross stitch and got used to with no problem

there was one thing though, this is the only kit out of the 5 that didnt actually have the standard cloth with the squares on it (there was also some string missing, so i think the thing is that someone else had already made this kit before and what i got was the leftovers), bc of that i simply bought some new needlepoint cloth and drew the squares on myself, which led to....

honey i shrunk the needlepoint, SO YOU SEE THE THING IS, i didnt check what the squares on the cloth i did get for the other kits actually looked like, i simply assumed the squares would be normal 10x10 squares like in the picture, so thats what i drew by hand, but theyre actually supposed to be 20x20, and youre supposed to do a specific stitch called gobelin stitch where 2x2 of space is considered 1 stitch, idk if im explaining any of this well but basically if i had known this and done it correctly the finished work would have been pretty much the same size as the pattern on the picture

i know all of this now and the next needlepoint ive started since then will be the correct size, but either way i think the tiny one has its own charm and looks great anyway, its adorable!! im kind of obsessed with it, the green frame also looks great and ahh i just love it sm😭

heres the back

and size comparison with my previous ones

its a little bebe needlepoint🥺

it keeps happening that at the very end when these have finally been framed, i always notice one or two squares which i forgot to fill in, but i dont really mind it, and its fun asking people to try and find them🤣 (but dont bother trying to find them yourself bc they cant really be seen in these pictures)

i also accidentally swapped the two shades of green for the tree but the shades are so similar you literally cant see it, and i also ran out of the darkest blue shade and had to buy a new one, but couldnt find one that was similar enough, so you can actually see on most of the pics that the dark blue part to the left of the tree is a darker shade than on the right, but again, who cares, i just like jotting down as much of the process as i can remember in these posts🤣

thanks for reading!!

[idunnowatimdoin]

hahahaha, remember when I thought 2021 was bad??

So if you're reading this, kudos!! You are an incredibly kind, patient, awesome human being who somehow put up with my bullshit 2+ year radio silence and decided to tough it out in the hope I came back. Well!! I'm back and I'm hoping I stay back for awhile -- at least long enough to finish my fics, please @ the universe.

Idk how many of you care about why I disappeared, but for all 3 of you who do, it's bc I've been kind of dead inside??

So I started writing all these fics while I was still in medical school. Hence why Nitric Oxide has so much weird medical jargon in it that non-medical people are like ?? why tho ?? Bc writing the fic was in part a way for me to study while still engaging in an activity I love. Going back and reading through those earlier chapters has parts that make me laugh and some parts that make me cringe, bc now I'm 2 years out of medical school and I've grown a LOT as a medical provider ( and some of the things I wrote are not correct for how I or Obi would practice ). At some point I'm going to have to go do an edit/rewrite of some of those parts. Bc oof

But anyways, yeah I was kinda dead inside for a long time there. See, I really, really, really had my heart set on going into psychiatry, but I didn't match into a psychiatry residency program. So I took a position in a transitional year program, which is basically a way of working as a resident while you still apply for programs in the specialty you want to get into (or for some people, it's a year of medicine they have to do before they can start their specialty training like people going into radiology or anesthesia). And just...

If you're in the medical field: DO NOT WORK AT AN HCA HOSPITAL IF YOU CAN AVOID IT. Holy FUCK, that organization is so fucking toxic and soul-sucking and awful. Like. That whole year I spent there was so miserable it took me all of last year to finally recover and get back to a place where I could even think of writing again bc I barely had the energy to take care of myself, let alone to engage in artistic pursuits or passion projects.

Anyways, I won't get into details about why it sucked, but it did. I was in such a dark place while I was there. It didn't help that I applied for psychiatry residencies again and still didn't match, so I was faced with the choice of giving up my dream or doing another year in Hell.

Well... I'm an emergency medicine resident now. To be fair, I worked as a scribe in the ED before medical school and it's ALWAYS been a close second choice for me. And now that I'm here, I gotta admit I kind of LOVE it. More than I thought I would. But it still stings, and I won't lie and pretend there's a small part of me that aches over my lost dream.

But anyways. Fuck capitalistic, for-profit medicine. A lot of us doctors hate it just as much as all the rest of you do.

Hopefully this current hyperfixation lasts awhile and I can crank out a lot of chapters for yall and maybe even finish (gasp, I know right??) a fic or two here.

Thank you for reading, if you did. I truly do appreciate each and every one of you and all the kind words and compliments you pay me and my brain children.

I hope y'all have a wonderful day/night.

-Sam

[albedostartarus]

You know what’s funny? All this stupid fucking. and I’m not even growing, my knowledge about photography and layout design is the exact fucking same as last semester. Fashion studio, all that work? Nothing. K came into this semester with the exact same amount of sewing knowledge as me—- started studio 2 weeks late— picked the most difficult pattern and learned to sew it ON THE FLY as she made the dress. I did. Nothing. She’s come out someone with a knowledge of sewing and patterns and all that I want to learn and I did. Nothing. You know why I didn’t pick the stupid fucking sewing project? Because I was boo boo fucking scared, oh no what if I’m unable to sew! Oh no! Boo fucking hoo she went out and did it and all I did was tell her that she had the choice to not do it whenever she encountered AND eventually cleared an obstacle in her process.

I’m not only a stupid fucking person with no technical skill or ability I’m also a horrible fucking person. R got her first internship after the first fucking semester after being accepted to a design program at one of the best universities in the world with a full scholarship while she had a fraction of the resources and experience that I did. S was accepted to bits Pilani and chose not to go bc of the fees, K was accepted to RISD and didn’t go hc of the fees and has nearly a twice as large scholarship to parsons. Z has had way more problems in life than I have, like actual problems not just "oh no! my computers slow!" and she's way better than me, had experience working with design and art before I ever started work on my stupid fucking portfolio that I took a gap year for. It took me a WHOLE GAP YEAR TO MAKE A MEDIOCRE PORTFOLIO RHAT GOT ME A MEDIOCRE SCHOLARSJIP INTO A SCHOOL I DIDNT EVEN HAVE ON MY TOP FUCKING THREE.

Last semester I was the only one who didn’t finish the time class final and I chose to not go to critique and pretended I didn’t wake up bc I didn’t want to face my class knowing that I took up a large project knowing damn well it was a challenge and confidently told the prof I could pull it off then failed due to my own shortcomings.

My grades in 10th were mediocre my grades in 12th were bad and I wasn’t even good enough in the prelimsries to get into CS and was only let it after submitting a special request following the final results which only met the intake by a THIN amount

my skin is full of acne scars and blackheads because I never took care of it my teeth cost my dad several Lakhs because I wasn’t even able to wear a fucking retainer regularly and I STILL don’t and I STILL can’t do the bare minimum of brushing properly and my tooth look like actual shit.

My feet look like shit because I never took care of them my toe nails are chipped and disgusting and there’s the remnants of an untreated blood clot in one of them and ugly patches of hair everywhere

My eyesight fucking sucks because surprise surprise! I didn’t fucking take care of it and cost my family money

I was fat as hell and lately my solution to that has been actively starving myself which in the past has also SIRORISE SIRPRISE cost my family money because I keep having to get blood tests done and get supplements

I can’t talk to people and didn’t have a single friend until 6th and after that still couldn’t talk to anyone except them, I made friends during the pandemic and you know what!!! I’m still FUCKING AWKWARD AROUND THEM!!!’ I CANT TALK TO THE PRIPLE I TRUST THE MOST !!!!! WHATS THE FUCKING POINT!!!!!!

I have ugly legs ugly face ugly nails ugly waist ugly ass ugly everything, my skins getting worse because I fucked up my sleeping schedule as a teenager

I don’t have a CV a resume a portfolio and haven’t applied to a single job in my entire life. I’m pathetic and can’t even do the most basic things in life and all I’ve done for the past 5-7 years I’d be mediocre and waste my family’s money. Im pathetic. I’m stupid. Im ugly. I’m incapable of even keeping my room SOMEWHAT clean let alone keeping myself looking attractive. And now I’m here in college wasting more of my parents’ money while continuing to be mediocre and stupid.

I deserve to die and everyone in my life deserves so much better than me. I don’t know how many of my friends talk and hang out with me out of obligation and bc it’s like I’m almost forcing them and how many even actyally want to and if they don’t I can’t even blame them because I wouldn’t hang out with me either! I’m everything I hate and more and I keep pretending otherwise in hopes that the people I love wouldn’t leave me.

[tacticalvalor]

«────── « HEADCANON » ──────»

so!! i finished watching runs of phantom liberty... and vin's getting a new canon. this dlc and its new ending are canon for him.

note: i also have to update some canon bios but... shh ♡ also ty ty i'm safe the tornado didn't hit near me. there will be typos here tho because i'm too tired and i'm on mobile.

i just think the storyline does a great job at showing what vin really wants, and what it takes for him to realize that.

dlc storyline spoilers under the cut, even if they're pretty out of context/explained horribly.

when this happens is after? you talk to the vdb. so vin's already been up shit's creek by this point. there's the shit with ev. the shit with takemura. the shit with the cados. he's been tugged around.

and then? then his relic gets hacked! and he's told to get his ass to the most dangerous part of nc? alone? yeah. yeah. he's not happy. johnny isn't either, but at this point vin's at a low and honestly could see him following songbird hoping to die.

and then he gets everything thrown on him.

hey i need your help saving the president.

hey im the president i need your help getting out of here, the attack came from the inside and i dont trust anybody.

hey your now a federal intelligence agent and tour making contact with a sleeper agent bc my runner that contacted you went missing thx.

he's already there, fuck it. maybe some gonk-brain will kill him. but. but!

there is a part of him still kinda hopeful. maybe one more step and he gets the help he needs. one more contact. one more task. and it just. keeps. going.

he's pulled into the monotonous bullshit he tried so hard to escape from. being pulled around on all these fronts again, especially as it comes out songbird is the traitor; this has been in the works for what? months now? because she knows about militech's own version of soulkiller and she, being led on by meyers, was used as a bow and made a portal for the blackwall to conduct govt espionage.

and naturally, vin's a little upset (he's a lot upset), but fuck if he doesn't need that tech. and it's a hell of a lot better than the prognosis anyone else has given him so far!

but it just. keeps. getting. worse!

songbird leaves him for dead. reed is stonewalling him. alex is fucking dead. johnny's quieter than usual. he's all alone in fucking dogtown and the only person he feels REMOTE TRUST for is feeding him nothing||. and it sucks! but he's still trying to believe that he'll get that out.

and there's so many good convos with the characters in this dlc about morality, mortality, and consequence.

and it ultimately ends with vin trusting reed and them breaking songbird outta maxtac custody, bc surprise the blackwall connection makes you go cyberpsycho. and she makes it to the derelict militech lab that u go into alone alone, bc johnny gets sliced and ur comms are fucked. and there's this whole sequence of almost dying, being hunted alien isolation style by a blackwall ai controlled spider mech, and then you find songbird and she BEGS YOU to kill her. BEGS. and vin just... cant.

it's ironic coming from him considering so many of his dumb decisions are an expression of his suicidality, but he helps. he continues to help!

and even after, he's treated like shit. reed keeps stonewalling him. president myers is a cunt who cordially reminds him of the oath he took and the nice, tight leash she has around his neck.

and then? when he's finally "rescued"? ||he doesnt even say goodbye to anyone. and that hurts the most. arasaka ending sucked, sure, but this? no rooftop talk with misty. no goodbye to vik. just a text explaining he'll be outta town for a bit. and then it ends up being TWO YEARS. HE'S IN A COMA FOR TWO YEARS. ALONE. IN LANGLEY.

and when he wakes up, reed continues. to. stonewall. him. keeps it vague. apologizes, sure, but even now he cannot bring himself to actually care. which is understandable when you look at his character but. vin is livid.

there was no closure. no guarantee he'd even wake up. he could have up and died and nobody would ever fucking know!

and then he gets back to nc and... oh.

oh things changed. things really changed:

vik became a corpo doc, working for some zetatech corp. he says he didn't have a choice.

misty is just gone. you run into her after getting jumped by street mercs, and she's on her way to poland.

arasaka? fucking gone. takemura and hanako went into everything alone and *hanako just up and fucking died.* no explanation. dunno if yori killed her or what. but takemura is in hiding now bc they believe he killed hanako *and* saburo. then yori stepped down as ceo all together.

didnt see the others' calls so idk what happens with panam, judy, and river, but it can't be much better for them.

and i just... the whole idea of vin being forced into the background being both a relief and a terror to him is so... it's so good. the idea that he lost everything again, but he now has control over that.

it fucks him up, that's for sure. the dialog you have with reed? with vik? with misty? some real shit. he's on the verge of that suicidality again, but he lived. he can live. he has control over that now.

and it's for the first time in a long time, considering the fact he worked with arasaka counter-intel. he awaited death for so long, knowing it could come at any second, that there's a... bitterness. in losing that feeling. a confusion in the fact he can just. exist without consequence.

this is really the meat of it tho. the last bit. the fact that vin is both the exact same man he was and someone entirely new.

the fact that he changed and didn't. that he's messy and there is no truly happy ending for him, that he's just... human.

that in the end, he still fucked over johnny (except at least in the arasaka ending, he was kinda understanding to a point. here? he's just angry. dejected. vin's last words to him were that he couldn't forgive him for the shit he's done to his body) and still LOST the game of life.

he still lost. but he lost in the best way possible.

the legend of v is out there, but he doesn't have to be that. live up to it. he can just be... him. and i think that's all he really wants, in the end. to learn who he is and to be him. a chance to just exist without consequence. to not have to make choices on who gets harmed and why. to make choices of dire urgency. to just... breathe.

it just took so much for him to realize that, and it's going to weigh on him for god knows how long (if not his whole life, whatever remains of it).

[masterkirby]

can't really think atm and music the ultimate motivator all seems annoying rn so i tried moving around a bit a bit of stretching moving flapping my limbs about but they just seemed to get heavier woke up heavy bad night of sleep probably just cause there's that one big thing to do finally the cometomyoffice came that i finish up my project that one that i've been stalling for a year now bc no inmyface pressure just a year of trying to turn my internal pressure that it should be done so it be finished but that didn't work cause each time the limbs get so heavy and the brain so dizzy so fogged so d i v e r g e n t

i try to convince myself that it is interesting bc in some way it is, archival stuff, folk stuff as in gathered around villages in the 90s but the whole culture just sucks the life out of me at least the bits and pieces that i get to hear, i don't get to hear stories of solidarity and braving hardship and being creative just hurtful beliefs, unhappy marriages, unwanted attention, shattered pitchers or stolen garlands, the go-to symbol for rape, then the unwanted pregnancies (the ultimate violence), then the wife-killing but calm down calm down it's mostly it's tons of god-above-all and then it's ok that my husband or his family beats me cause imma go to heaven and the road to it, life, is supposed to be suffering after all

but then i don't get it cause i am doing everything not to live it, the lives of my ma and grandma and a whole line of fathers-drunks and grandfathers-drunks and obnoxious uncle-drunks (a shared experience across the nation/s)

writing all this out is lifting a bit of the oppressiveness from my limbs and head of the head the part i stms imagine smashing against a wall or such (when will i finally grow out of edge, am i oppressing memyself by thinking it's silly?)

but now i've stopped and metaed about it i'm braindead again can't really hold a thought

i used to write this kind of stuff in a ggl doc but then my storage ran out and i thought that's kinda dumb and at least here i can put in images easy and mark the text unlike a text editor ofc if i knew my IT i could make a qte personal digital diary but i just can't seem to get down to such stuff or most stuff in general

such a martyr, such a saddy

no matter how much times the mantra, the realization is "don't overthink it, just do it", i just can't muster the willpower

the limbs get poisoned, leaded, threaded, shredded i'm out of breath where i usually walk surely and i love walking maybe a walk then maybe a walk

then

back to it then

[tyonfs]

hehehe, i can't believe i have one more trimester to go! (and yes ma'am i got that 4.0 again, aaaaaaay!) 4 more months and i'm officially done with grad school!! belated bday celebration was great--i went to a tiki bar and karaoke-d with my besties.

BUT YAYYY!! I'M SO GLAD YOU TOOK THAT BREAK TO SPOIL YOURSELF. totes get the adjusting back to academia tho. that sucks. i hate that period skjhgkfdjh.

as for those fics!!! i have not finished them because i really want to put my heart and soul into them, i need them to be long ass slow burns. like the fake dating!au is at 14k and it's barely getting started. i wanna make sure to include all the fanfic worthy moments of my whole situation into the fic so the plot rn is super dense lmao. but yo fake dating is really something else, imma tell you that. (i may or may not still be experiencing it, really weird, long winded story but i'll gladly share it with you via dm, it's highly entertaining.) as for the surfer fic, it was planned waaaaaay before the jcc but then the vlog fueled the fire! that one is 8k and just getting good too lol. i can never write short fics anymore. i keep re-reading both google docs and wish i can finish them soon but grad school/work is so draining. my goal is to get them out by the year's end!! so we'll see!!

WOOO CONGRATS!! YOURE IN THE FINAL STRETCH :’) it’s crazy to think about how fast uni flies by 🤧 and i’m really glad you enjoyed your bday and got to spend it with friends!! <3

long ass slow burns are soooo grueling to write but the end result is so worth it 🥹 i hope you get to write all the fics you want to your heart’s content ♡ my greatest fear is being 60 one day and regretting not writing smthn i rlly wanted to 😳

HAHAH PLS GO AHEAD AND SHARE IN DMS IF YOU PLEASE BC I WOULD LOVE TO HEAR ALL AB THE Y/N MOMENTS 🥹 and i adoreeee fake dating!!! 14k already?? i already know the build up is gonna be so worth it 😌😌 HAHAH U WROTE THE SURFER ONE BEFORE JCC?? THAT MUST HAVE BEEN THE BIGGEST SHOCK WHEN HE UPLOADED THOSE PICS AND THE VLOG.. BC I WAS ON MY KNEES 😵‍💫

take your time tho!! im sure you will feel re energized once you don’t have all that schoolwork so good luck and take it easy 💖💖