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pensofgrace · 4 years

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Feminism Gone Wrong!

cene one Rose parked her black ride in front of her favourite restaurant, picked her bag, got out of her car. She adjusted her black body hug that speaks classy, executive, sexy, well marched with a luxury bag and watch, she matched in as beautiful as she can. Upon entering the restaurant, moving to their regular sit, she realised brandy was not present yet, shakes her head and sit. Rose: "this girl cannot fail to disappoint", she says while looking at few posts on Instagram. "let me see what her excuse will be today, maybe its flat tyre or traffic". She called on the waiter to give her regular drink. While rose was sipping her smoothie, a woman with nice curves walked in with all her glory, a well porshe girl with a simple dress of about $300. " before you run curses on me, babe the traffic was terrible, I couldn’t drive rough like those rough beard guys do", brandy says while sitting down, dropping her purse and phone on the table, she looks at rose smiling. " I was waiting for your majestic excuse already ma", she says not looking up, " so, you had a terrible traffic from vgc to chevron, hmmmm, impressing", she stops talking, looking up at brandy with a smirk on her face. Brandy looks away scratching her ears, " baby love, am sorry, I was watching spider man when you called that you were 5 minutes away, I totally forgot about our date”, giving her apology smile. " keep that love for them that sort for it, I knew you lied when you said you were out of your gate, I just knew it. You know what, lets just forget it, its your usual behaviour, am hooked forever. Brandy erupts into loud, mocking laughter, " am happy you know dear, we are stacked forever. So, you said you had something important to tell me, which could not be said over the phone or through mail". She says closing the joke atmosphere automatically, pulled up her serious wall up face. Now, it was brandy’s turn to look guilty, up in her mind she stated to think of how to present the matter, "o my God, how is brandy going to take this, am I being stupid and selfish right now, what if she breaks it with me, I don’t want to lose my best friend, really been together for five years. She shouldn’t be that angry right, what!!!, the oath, am in serious trouble right now, what if sheeeee…. "rose Philips", brandy voice erupted close to her nose, rose jerked back, " why did you scream my full name like that, common some respect", rose said trying to hide her anxiety. Brandy looked at her " look here I don’t have timed for your games, you went off for about five minutes, I ordered a drink just thinking about what could have been so big that you went so locked down", brandy sighed, smile and said " sweetie I love you, we are best friends, nothing can be so difficult you cant tell me, we are in this together, remember?, remember our promise to one another, no issue and problem coming between us, unless you’ve broken our oath, I mean you remember right", brandy took a sip of her drink, sit back and said, " well, I trust you that you wont break that, we decided on it together, no man making decisions for us. We are the independent woman baby! " brandy says laughing and jumping on her seat. Rose sits up straight, took a sip of her smoothie, she looked at brandy and continued the conversation. “, that’s why am here, you see... "what do you mean, our promise, babe you are scaring me", brandy jumped in. Rose breath in calmly them looked up to brandy. "brandy, please can you calm down, promise me you will let me explain, let me finish before you jump in’, brandy smiled and shake her head up and down while crossing her leg. " am all ears rose, feel free, tell me anything, we will solve this together". " okay, here it goes. You remember how much we suffered in the hand of men, how they treated and molested us, making us feel like we worth nothing, brandy, remember how drake used my skills and potentials to build himself to the top he his right now. Can you remember how we decided to never fall for any human being with a short hair, no breast to feed a baby and a

material to produce a baby, our decision to never be vulnerable or subject to a man, how we made that oath to be independent, an ability to depend on ourselves only, equality with men, {at this point rose was up in tears, not bothering to swipe it off, rose did not make any movement m, looking still, it feels as though she knows what this is about already, not ready to acknowledge and accept though}. "am sorry brandy but I can’t do this anymore, I can’t push this wanting, this desire for a help mate away anymore, brandy I can’t keep ignoring his care, his love, his realness, he loves me, and am not sorry to say I love him too". Rose stopped talking waiting for brandy’s comment after no response, she looked up to see rose giving her the betrayal eyes. She quickly spoke up. " brandy please, I didn’t mean too……. "rose from this day onward we are officially off, no need of arguing and trying to convince you, goodbye rose Philips". Brandy stood up dropped some thousands on the table, left without looking back. Rose dropped her head on the table and sobbed. SCENE TWO " hi baby, you miss me, matt kisses rose on the cheek, rose left her sitting position to assist matt with his attire. Rose: "how was your meeting, contract coming in", she looks at him with hope Matt: " well, am sorry to say babe, am not the most successful CEO in the world yet, but you are looking at the youngest successful CEO in Arica". Rose jumped on the bed, screaming yes! Yes! Yes! "you deserve it baby am so proud of you", she looks at him with a serious face, ‘ you complete me , you are my perfection’. Matt: " it’s the other way around love’. Rose:" let me drop to the kitchen, something special for a special man with a special achievement" Matt: " no baby, no stress for you, love, we are going out, a friend told me about a nice place, its new, very exclusive, executive and exotic" Rose: "funny, three e’s for a place" Matt: "actually the place is called three e’s" Rose: "okay, let me freshen up, give me 10" Matt: "no, make it 15, I won’t be done in 10, not as fast as you fox" Rose laughs, shaking her head " just like brandy". SCENE THREE Brandy stood near her office table, checking for a Particular important document her personal assistance should have documented properly, " stupid man, they never do any thing right, such a disappointment, what a waste of resources, I presume too". Her office door opened with no noise, " madam new couples are here, we got their details to be their first, should we give the the ultimate on the house service". Brandy: " next time you come into my office without permission, I will make sure you never get a job in Nigeria again, is that clear Patrick, idiot, now do that which is right, I will come down and greet them myself, get their table number for me. Make them comfortable". Brandy found the document, kept it ion her bag, checked herself in the mirror reapplied her lip stick. " Patrick, what table", she said with no smile " ma, its table 7, they are having a drink right nooo…… "shut up, I didn’t ask that, hmmmm 7, rose favourite number". Brandy walked down to table 7, upon getting their she discovered it was rose, she looked at her, full of annoyance and betrayal, left the table without a word, rose stood up immediately ran after her lost best fiend screaming her name, not minding the scene they were both creating. Rose: " brandy, please wait, please, its ben so long, hear me out. Brandy turned back sharply " I want no conversation with a person like you, enough!" Rose; " stop, just stop, okay can we talk, maybe not n ow, someday during the week, please, just please, I will drop my card with the receptionist. Will be waiting to meet up. I still love you". Rose turned making her way to her husband, she turned " by the way, nice restaurant, it has always been your dream, good work, brandy". Scene

four Brandy sit quietly at the corner of the restaurant, everywhere seems cool and fun. She sips her drink smirking at herself, at a little side up she could see matt chatting and laughing about something rose says. "stupid fool, let’s see if you will see something to laugh at by the end of the day" Brandy calls upon a waited for a refill, seeing matt standing up moving towards the rest room, she sends the waiter off standing up and walking towards matt’s direction. She waited for matt to come out of the gent, Brandy: hello to you too Mr matt, having a fun day" Matt: ohh, brandy you scared me, what’s up, you look good, didn’t know you were around" Brandy: you weren’t supposed to know, you brought this upon yourself though, what aaaaaa……. Matt: see brandy, I know you vexed with your bae, its wasn’t her fault, seriously, she told me about the oath and promise, I thought they were unreasonable first but after she told me about you and your past, I came to understand, but you see, you are a very beautiful girl…. Brandy; ohh, Mr matt, rose told you about my past right, lovely, I believe she told you about the gang rape too, how interesting my life story with Fred, I guess I have a better reason to do this. Brandy comes upon matt suddenly, knowing his head against the wall, after so many punches, she believed him to be dead. Brandy: no man, we promised no name, rose and our oath is mine. I hope the angels are willing to take you to hell for breaking two friends up with fake love, and I hope rose realise I just did her a good favour". Brandy adjust her cloth cleans her hand, heads back to her seat, calls for the waiter for a drink while she watches matt body being rushed out, with a devastated rose. SCENE FIVE rose knocks on brandy’s office door, enters and takes her seat, looking at brandy. Brandy: to what annoying honour do I hold this unexpected, unwelcome visit Mrs rose Chantel" After few second of no response from rose Brandy: am giving you 10 seconds to leave my office, or I will calllll…… Rose: why, why, why brandy. You hate me that much Brandy: well, I would have an answer to any why if I do know where the why is directed to Rose: you hate me so much, you angry about the oath but do you have to do what you did, almost killing my husband Brandy: almost, he’s not dead, what! That bastard isn’t dead, how come, how Rose: so, you won’t deny it, really brandy I never knew you were such a snake, well to disappoint your miserable life, he’s not, because he never deserved it. How could you, for what reason, because he loves me. Aint you suppose to be happy for me, happy for your best friend, what has gotten into you. Brandy; best fiend my foot, you lost that title months ago, you lied to me, betrayed me. Rose; then have you forgotten our promise to each other, forgiveness all the way, I could hand you over now to the police, but I won’t, I still love you brandy, you’ve always being sister, please stop all this. Just stop it. Brandy: just get out, I hate you liar, get out…… Brandy screams at rose, after rose left the office, brandy break down weeping SCENE SIX Brandy sit at the sitting room, watching the tv, news going on around the world obviously her mind seems outside the house, all in another world. After about a minute of leaking tears, she picks up her phone. Went to a number, typed a capital "AM SORRY". Switch off her phone and lays down. SCENE SEVEN Rose; " thanks for coming, although it took you extra two hours after you said you were close, guess you haven’t changed", smiling to brandy " I don’t have time for your nonsense chit-chat, why am in here, I got business to run’. Rose: " I love you, please never doubt that, what happened wasn’t planned, I didn’t even know I had gotten so far in, until he proposed, and I said yes. The feeling wont just go away, bran…… Brandy; " since when,

since when have you two been together, till the time you told me, since when rose, one month, two months, answer me!!!", she spoke up so angry Rose: "six-month brandy, babe, I was only joking around, I only planned to play him and make feel miserable, please, I love him". Brandy; "six, six, woah, six months, my best friend kept a secret from me, how many more do I need to know, you married, you got two kids in the cupboard’, Rose; ‘after you left, I lost it, couldn’t contact you, he stood with me, he was my comfort, he gave me happiness, we got married. I love him brandy and am not ready to leave him for anything". Brandy:" so why am I here, what do you want", Rose:" I want my best friend back, I want you to enjoy the happiness I do now, I need you to change your mentality about this feminism of a thing, please". Brandy: " so you want you change, why should I do that, give me reasons rose. Your love for a man made you leave me, common convince me your betrayal". Rose:" I accept, I betrayed you, but it was for a good thing, you are not happy brandy. I know that, I can see it in your face, just one chance, just a chance with a good man" "baby", she says holding a broken brandy’s hand, " please, a good man is what it takes, a good man won’t make you feel like a slave, like a servant, no he won’t want, he would want you as a helpmate, someone to complete him. Thank about it, no need to rush, just calm your heart, baby I need you to break that wall when that man comes, that responsible man with a good knowledge of how to treat a woman, okay, love”. Brandy kept to silence holding rose’s hand like her life depend on it. A lot was going through her mind, he wanted to talk but knew deep down the truth was been laid down flat. SCENE EIGHT ‘happy birthday brandy" "thanks so much for coming it’s a small party I guess, like I want, hmmm, rose is poking my eyes with invisible spears, wanting a speech, isoritte, here we go, thanks to God first, He made me special, am grateful to my parent for the prayers and support am 25 meh, so to rose, I love you more than life itself, you aint just a friend, you are my sister, days of fight and love, of arguing and convincing. Thanks for changing my mentality on some ideas I keep to heart, thanks for making me make the best decision, my life could ever need. Thanks love am happy for you, I appreciate you. To the man that wet through hell to get my heart, bros kudos to you mehn, guy you deserve some awards, thanks for not giving up on me, thanks for always running off to rose for ways to cool mu hot brain. I love you. Just mind you, no baby yet, let me enjoy my marriage first. And to all that…………….

‘happy birthday brandy"

"thanks so much for coming it’s a small party I guess, like I want, hmmm, rose is poking my eyes with invisible spears, wanting a speech, isoritte, here we go, thanks to God first, He made me special, am grateful to my parent for the prayers and support am 32 meh, so to rose, I love you more than life itself, you aint just a friend, you are my sister, days of fight and love, of arguing and convincing.

Thanks for changing my mentality on some ideas I keep to heart, thanks for making me make the best decision, my life could ever need. Thanks love am happy for you, I appreciate you.

oy my marriage first. And to all that…………….

#love #relationship #marriage #friendship #best friends #business owner #rich

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nonsensicalobsessions · 5 years

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Lucky

When Tom stopped to reflect on his life, he was always keenly aware on how very blessed, how very lucky, he really was.

There were all the obvious reasons: Dumb, stupid, genetic chance gave him health, a level of physical attractiveness he did nothing to earn, a brain to give him a jump start for intelligence and an ability to learn. Affluent parents who could and did provide every advantage, such as a beautiful home in a safe neighborhood, as well as the opportunity to attend the most prestigious schools in the area, and then the world. Drawing breath in a place and period of time where clean water, relative peace, plentiful food, and quality medical care were all readily available to him (although those were also due to his parents, he was aware of as well).

But there were other things...meeting the right people, at the right time...the right roles...

Of course, not everything was luck. He didn’t discount his hard work. No one would argue he was one of the hardest working actors in the industry.

The one area where his luck soured was his love life. Friends he had in abundance, but between his intense desire for intimacy, rather than random, casual hookups, and for private, meaningful conversations as opposed to shop gossip and small talk, he found himself without a partner for months, even, God help him, years at a stretch. He was embarrassed to admit how lonely he found himself at times. He longed for what seemed like the most common thing in the world, love with someone who would see him as he was, not as how he was packaged and presented. At times, he wondered if he was simply fated to remain caught in a solitary existence.

And then, just like that, his luck changed, even as it preserved him once again.

Tom was driving home from holiday shopping. Carefully, as was his wont. As usual, it was raining and the traffic was as thick as could be expected for a Saturday leading up to Christmas. He was stopped at a traffic light, the second car in queue. He played with the music on his phone, until he found the song he was looking for, and smiled as he selected it.

https://open.spotify.com/track/2IuUMx3uxxJAHcH41aYtn0?si=j7EFmnjuSUqGpb_6LPIGBg

The light changed. The car in front of him paused for a moment, then proceeded to resume its route, and Tom did the same. He was humming “Winter Wonderland,” tapping lightly on the steering wheel, when something terrifying happened.

There was a loud screeching of tires, horns, the squeal of brakes, and in front of his horrified eyes the car in front of him was plowed into as another vehicle attempted to run the red. The culprit wasn’t even close to clearing the intersection in time.

If Tom had been the first car in the queue, he would have been struck, it was unavoidable.

With the slickness of the roads, there was quickly a massive chain reaction of collisions. It was only by very good fortune Tom escaped unscathed.

As soon as the screeches, the slams, the crunches, and the crashes stopped, Tom left his car and raced for the innocent’s vehicle. He had already dialed 999.

There had only been one person in the car, a female driver, as far as he could tell. All of her air bags had deployed, and she had been struck on the passenger side, which was the only saving grace in the situation. She was crumpled over the steering wheel, pinned between the slowly deflating air bags and what was left of the passenger side of her vehicle. It was quite the grisly scene, with shattered glass all about, horns blaring, and yet she made no sound. Tom frantically pulled the door, already fearing it to be futile as all car doors in his experience locked once the vehicles began moving.

To his utter shock, it opened. The car was an either older model than he anticipated, or else the locks malfunctioned.

He reached for her pulse in her neck and found it quickly enough, even as she was bleeding heavily from under her hair as well as from other cuts and abrasions. Soon she was moaning and beginning to stir.

“Steady,” Tom pleaded. “Don’t move. You’ve been in a crash, and an ambulance is coming. Can you tell me your name?”

“Maddie,” she whispered. “Madeleine Robillard...”

“Maddie, my name is Tom. Whom may I call for you?”

“No one,” she groaned.

Tom blinked, even as he could hear sirens growing louder. No one? That couldn’t be right, certainly there was a family member or a friend to be notified...

“No, there isn’t anyone, just me...” Maddie mumbled, and Tom realized he must have spoken aloud.

Maddie was fighting to keep her eyes open and focused. She looked around Tom’s age, but tiny to his eyes. “Tom...I can’t move, I’m stuck...” He could hear her voice becoming frightened.

“Maddie, don’t even try to move, you’re wedged in with your air bags and your seatbelt has you locked in tight and proper, just as it should. I am going to stay with you while you wait for help to arrive. You’re not alone, understand? I promise you.” He smiled at her, and stroked her cheek.

She blinked as a tear trickled down her cheek, obviously in a great deal of pain and disoriented. “I’m going to be late for work.”

“Maddie, I’m certain your employer will understand.”

“No...already so short staffed...” she was becoming agitated again.

“Hush, darling, hush...where do you work? Tell me, and I’ll ring them for you...”

Within what felt like a blink of an eye, there were ambulances, police cars, and fire trucks pulling in, even helicopters circling overhead looking for places to touch down. Tom could scarcely hear Maddie’s reply as she named a luxury hotel and spa not far from their location.

Tom dialed and asked for Madeleine Robillard’s supervisor, plugging his other ear with one finger as he did so, the ambient volume increasing every moment.

“This is Madame White, with whom am I speaking?” Tom flinched, the voice did not sound friendly, or helpful.

“Madame White, my name is Tom Hiddleston, and I am calling on behalf of Madeleine Robillard. I’m afraid she has been in a terrible car accident, and...”

“Young man, I don’t know what you think you are playing at, but I am far too busy to be playing games. Maddie is due to cross over the threshold of this facility in precisely thirteen minutes. If she does not do so in thirteen minutes and one second, why, she does not need trouble herself to do so in thirteen minutes and two.”

“I beg your pardon.” Tom’s voice was suddenly glacial, proper, and distinctive. “My name is...”

There was a loud sigh. “Spare me the impersonations. Her final check is in the mail.”

A click. A tone. And Tom was left staring at his phone in utter disbelief.

“And Happy Christmas, you utter...”

It was the first time he was told his impersonation of himself wasn’t convincing enough.

“...Mr. Hiddleston?!”

Tom found himself facing a completely shocked set of first responders.

“Hello, yes...this is Madeleine Robillard...”

And so, because of his good luck, Tom was spared a potentially devastating collision, and met Madeleine Robillard in the bargain.

Maddie knew it was pointless to grouse about luck, good, bad, or otherwise.

“It is, what it is,” she would shrug, and try to keep going as best she could.

Born on the wrong side of the blanket. The wrong side of the tracks. The wrong side of town.

She did the best she could, with what she had. Bounced from foster family to foster family, she learned quickly doors didn’t lock or latch even when they looked like they would, so it was best to wedge them tightly closed with blankets or books. If something looked like it was too good to be true, it never was. If someone gave you the creeps, it was for good reason. The best thing you could do was keep your nose clean and powder dry (but never use the stuff for the nose), keep your head down, do your best, and keep out of sight. Getting yourself noticed never ended well. Shoes don’t stretch, men don’t change, and in this life, you’re on your own.

She got through school well enough, then started working. She was a hard worker, and an unobtrusively clever one, because she didn’t want to be seen as clever. Being smart wasn’t something she saw rewarded. It was fine to be smart, and clever, but it was best to keep it to yourself.

She lived small. Saved her pounds. Lived quietly.

Sometimes she looked over the edges of bridges and wondered what kept her from sailing over the sides, what was it was all for, but kept going anyway. Low spirits did not stay with her long because she had curiosity to help keep her going. There was always another book to read, another idea she wanted to chase down in her head.

There were a few times she was loved and left.

She read at the library. She fully recognized novels as fairy tales for adults. She didn’t watch television or go to movies because couldn’t afford them. She stayed healthy enough because of the NHS. She listened to music on the radio. She was computer literate because of schooling and the library. She enjoyed sketching. Sometimes she would go to the library and watch videos on YouTube to improve her way around a pencil. She particularly liked sketching birds. To each their own.

She was kind, because it was how she wanted to be. She treated the people she worked with, worked for, and lived around, the way she wished to be treated, whether she was or not.

She was so proud when was able to buy her used car. Between her savings, her hard work ethic, and innate gentle nature, she was able to build up enough recommendations to get hired on at the spa at the grand new hotel as a receptionist. She was willing to take on as many hours, as many shifts, as possible. Madame White didn’t seem to like her very much, but there was no rule saying she had to. If the woman was spiteful, what of it? She juggled schedules, demanding clients, availability of staff with requested services, made certain all supplies were fully stocked, and more, all while answering the phone and greeting everyone with a smile.

And now, because of an entitled tit of a driver with a problem with the bottle, her car was gone, her job was gone, and soon her savings would be gone. Her health had certainly taken a hit.

But this Tom fellow was very kind, definitely handsome, and apparently a very big deal. For some reason, he was determined to stay with her. He stuck to her like a burr before the ambulance arrived, followed her to the A&E, sat with her throughout all the confusion and fuss there. He found her uncomplaining and patient. She found him gentle, and a surprisingly staunch advocate.

Even after her surgery, he would stop by and visit. He was surprised she had required the procedure, had undergone it without a word to himself or anyone, but then, how would she have contacted him? Why would she? By then even she knew what he was all about, at least in theory, and she was as confused as ever. The staff in the hospital was very quick to educate her about how very lucky she was, and how out of her league he was.

Every day, he came to see her, bringing her some small token, a gift to make her smile. One day it was several pairs of soft, thick socks when he saw she was still wearing the ones she had from the day of the accident, because her feet were cold. They felt like spun sunlight.

Another day, it was a collection of poems, after she had confessed her love of poetry rather than novels when she was tired or stressed, because “a gifted poet can say in just a few stanzas what a gifted novelist needs pages to accomplish...I don’t have the concentration to read pages and pages right now, but those few stanzas...they stay with me for hours.”

He presented the anthology to her only after making her promise she would not stay awake pondering. Maddie was laughing as she did, and Tom neatly plucked the volume from her hands.

“I am altogether serious,” he gravely informed her. “I can tell you are quite tired, and it is a known fact you heal while you sleep. I will not be responsible for impeding your recovery.”

She had to solemnly assure him she would not deliberately remain alert at night, pondering verses when she should be asleep. Looking at her with a serious face, Tom returned the book, and with a sober tone of voice, said, “I’m trusting you, Maddie.”

Maddie would sooner rob a church’s poor box than let Tom down. Not after he looked at her with such an intense expression, and used that tone of voice. She suspected he knew it, too.

But as much as the little presents were amazing, a novelty she couldn’t get over (certainly the first gifts she had received in a very long time), it was Tom’s presence she cherished more than anything he handed her in a gift bag or wrapped (albeit slightly clumsily) in cheerful paper. Although she lacked his level of formal education, and what she had received certainly wasn’t of the same caliber, Maddie was a keen scholar of human nature, as well of the school of hard knocks. She kept that alma mater to herself, but it made her observations on human nature very interesting to Tom, especially when it came paired with her intrinsic kindness and character. They spent hours talking about books they had read, Tom sharing stories about his childhood and amusing anecdotes about his day. Maddie did not have anything similar to reciprocate, so she would deflect and ask him a general question that would not be considered too personal. Listening to Tom share his reflections, being able to explore his thoughts, laughing with his quirky sense of humor...she had never enjoyed anyone’s company so much in her entire life. Just a few hours in the evenings were making such a huge impression on her.

But it couldn’t continue. Maddie lived in the real world, and although she enjoyed his visits immensely, she could also see where she was getting very attached to them, and him. With each successive call, it would be even more of a wrench when they stopped. It would be best to rip off the bandaid, as it were.

By December 23, enough was enough.

She was drifting in and out. Between pain medication and exhaustion from physical therapy, it was easier to sleep sometimes. Better. She didn’t want to think about how she was likely to lose her flat. She was unemployed (although on the dole, likely to receive compensation from the drunken ass responsible for this utter disaster, and possibly for wrongful termination).

“Depression” wasn’t a word in her lexicon. Again, she just took life as it came. If life sucked, well, it just sucked, and what else could you do about it? Right now, there wasn’t a lot she could change. She did as she was told. She ate as best she could, although she couldn’t stomach much. She worked as hard as she could to regain her strength, because it wasn’t as though there was anyone who was going to take care of her. When she was discharged, she would have to make sure she could shift for herself.

Sleep was an escape she had best take advantage of while she had the opportunity.

“Darling? Asleep already, are you so exhausted then? You’re doing too much!”

Ah. Well and good. She needed to take care of this, anyway.

She opened her eyes to see Tom, standing there smiling at her even as his voice sounded concerned. It would be a shame to send such a handsome man on his way, because God knows she’d never meet anyone so finely and perfectly created ever again. He was a walking ray of sunshine. Truly a good man.

She was going to miss him, with all of her heart.

“Tom.” She smiled as best she could, and tried to sit up.

“No, no, enough of that,” he scolded, and showed her the bed remote once more. “Why must you always try to do all the work when all you have to do is press a button?” He helped her raise the bed to ease her into a sitting position. “How are you feeling, sweetheart? Are they talking about sending you home soon?”

She dropped her eyes, flushing a bit. “Soon,” she evaded. “It’s lovely of you to come and visit me Tom...soon you won’t have to be fussed with coming all this way...in fact, I am sure you must have so many things you could be doing instead. Loads of parties and get togethers, I keep telling you, please don’t feel obligated to keep coming here day after day.”

Tom’s eyes narrowed. “And I keep telling you I am doing nothing from obligation, and everything from pleasure. Why can’t you understand I wish to spend time with you? Unless...” his face changed expression, “you no longer wish for me to come visit you...?”

Maddie’s face morphed into complete shock.

“Nothing could be farther from the truth. It’s...I didn’t know before, you see. But they’ve told me, I get it now. Come, Tom, I know how the world works. It’s Christmas, on top of everything else. You should be with family, and your friends. You don’t have to...well...” Maddie’s face was a study in discomfort. “I am deeply appreciative. Truly, I don’t want you to think I am ungrateful. It’s because I am so aware of how busy you are and how precious your time is...You’ve been coming here, every single day, and each time, you have a little gift for me. I’ve never been treated such, in all my life. You don’t need to keep doing this. Thank you, Tom, but you can enjoy your holiday now, with a clear conscience. It’s quite all right. You don’t have to do this anymore.”

“Wait...just a moment. Who told you what, exactly? Has someone told you I visit you out of some misguided sense of pity? As a...visiting the sick charitable work? A Christmas giving back?” His face was livid. “Who is telling you these lies? Point me in the right direction...!”

Tom had just started to get a good rant going, but stopped the moment he saw tears shimmering on her lashes. “Oh, no. No, no, no...please, Maddie, don’t cry...it’s not true. I promise you, it’s nothing like that.” He quickly dropped the side rail to gather her carefully into his arms for the first time. Up until now, he had only ever held her hand.

“I didn’t know anything about you the first time I saw you,” Maddie wept. “I don’t go to movies, plays, or watch television. I just read. So everyone so quick to say how lucky I was...and how you were so...so...” Tom could not help but notice how she did not melt into his embrace, but rather had her arms wrapped around herself as best she could, before he even had the chance to try comforting her. He recognized it for what it was: the hallmark of someone who only had their own arms to hold them when things were bad. He softly rubbed her back.

“Maddie, what happened to you that day was the very opposite of luck,” Tom answered grimly. “And anyone who said otherwise is disgusting. I will go so far as to say you are lucky to be alive...lucky you weren’t injured more severely! But beyond that? How could anyone be so crass as to say you were lucky that day just...” he shook his head, appalled.

“If anyone was lucky was day, it was I. I wish I never had to meet you in such a fashion, but in a city of almost nine million people, it was my car you were in front of that day. I was the one that was able to hold your hand. I was the one who could brush the hair out of your eyes and wait with you...and now, I am the one who gets to visit you every day, and who hopes to bring you home before Christmas.”

“Bring me home?”

“Darling, I don’t want to discourage you, but you are going to need a lot of care when you are finally discharged...and well...I...I know this is terribly forward of me, seeing as we’ve only known each other a few weeks...but as you’ve mentioned you’re rather alone in the world, I was hoping you’d consider staying with me for awhile. Just until you’re back on your feet again,” he concluded in a rush.

Maddie looked at him, rather exasperated.

“You see? Tom, you cannot do this! You are...you! I am a barely educated, unemployed receptionist. An orphan. I have nothing. I am no one...Tom...what would your mother say?!”

Tom threw his head back and laughed, delighted as she sputtered with indignation.

“See, this is exactly why I can and will do this. Because you do care about what my mother will say...and Madeleine Robillard, I will have you know you are indeed someone. You are someone who reads poetry and thinks about it all day long, even as she goes though physical therapy to regain her strength after a horrible car accident...someone who can sit and debate with me how social media and texting has impacted people’s ability to actually speak to one another...”

“That was just my personal observation...” Maddie mumbled.

“Yes! You notice things no one else does, sweetheart. You pay attention in a world where everyone else is content to just sit back and wait for information to come to them...you observe. You are honest...when you met me, you had no idea who this lanky goofball was...”

“Not a lanky goofball...a thoughtful, considerate, very handsome man who paid more attention to my well-being than any other man ever has in my life,” Maddie corrected him, picking at one of her many healing abrasions.

Tom stopped her scratching without even looking. “As I said, so many people are just sitting back, passively waiting to be told what is important, what is attractive...and you are flying high and away over them, darling. The men of London must all be blind fools.” Slowly, he picked up her hand, and brought it to his lips. “I love listening to your thoughts. I wish you’d share more of yourself with me.”

“Tom...there’s not much to tell. I don’t have a gilded background, in fact, it’s fairly a grim story. I used to think if I had any luck at all, it was bad luck...but then, on the very worst day of my life...I met you. So, maybe, just maybe, my luck is turning? If you don’t mind coming to see me, or calling me, every now and again? Because I admit...I would miss you, if you were to just...stop.” Maddie looked down in embarrassment.

He guided her chin up so she could see the bright smile beaming from his face. “Madeleine, I think you can safely say both of our luck has turned for the better. I promise you, I have no intention of walking away from anyone that makes me smile the way you do.”

Maddie could not be discharged in time for Christmas. Tom was very disappointed when he learned this later that evening. When Maddie went for her PT on the 24th, he and a few of his friends quickly transformed her room from austere to festive by adding a small pre-lit tree and some decorations, including a stocking and setting up a speaker to play Christmas tunes. When she returned, she found the lights in her room dimmed, a Christmas tree twinkling, Tom dressed in a lovely sweater and sharply pressed pants, smiling at her...she couldn’t help the tears that leapt from her stunned, moved heart.

“Thomas...? You did all this...for me?” She knew the question was foolish, but she was so shocked, she couldn’t help it. Never had she had such an experience before. Never had anyone lifted so much as a finger to show her a perfunctory kindness, so the thought someone had planned, then executed this level of a Christmas surprise gift for her would have brought her to her knees if she wasn’t already in a wheelchair.

The orderly escorting her had already disappeared, undoubtedly to spread the word of the lovely moment that was going on in room 5139 B.

Tom approached her quickly, and crouched down. “Darling, you can get around without the chair, yes?”

“Yes, it’s just after PT my muscles are tired so...”

He simply extended his hand, and she took it, rising slowly, legs shaking like a newborn fawn. Carefully, he led her away from the wheelchair, and wrapped his arms around her. “I’ve been longing to give you a hug since I first saw you. I hope you don’t mind my giving you this one now.”

The way Maddie was resting her head on his chest, he didn’t think she did. Her arms were around his waistline, making it natural for Tom to gently hold her figure to him and rest his cheek lightly on the top of her head. “You are very precious to me, Maddie Robillard. I think you are a breathtaking, remarkable, intuitive, beautiful soul residing in this delightful body that needs to be cherished and allowed to heal. Please let me be a part of that.”

She didn’t answer, just took a deep breath, and remained in his arms.

“That’s not a no...” he teased.

https://open.spotify.com/track/7aEjsTKJKspp01vkeVgeRr?si=r4xZlBPyS7iwgJmiMWZ-ww

Christmas music continued to play in the background. “Christmas Time is Here” from the Charlie Brown television show began to play, and they both began to giggle, which morphed into full blown laughter. Tom guided Maddie into a very careful dance, mindful of her condition.

“‘You know, Santa Claus and ho-ho-ho, and mistletoe and presents to pretty girls...’” Tom mimicked perfectly, waggling his eyebrows. Maddie rolled her eyes indulgently.

“Good grief,” she responded drily, even as her eyes twinkled. She couldn’t help it.

Tom helped Maddie back to her bed as he could tell she was at the end of her physical strength. He then produced his next treat, his computer loaded with every Christmas movie he could think of he thought she might enjoy, beginning with the oldest made for television cartoon specials to recent movie releases. There were bags of microwave popcorn, and hot chocolate. Maddie was reduced to just shaking her head in disbelief.

She was beginning to feel overwhelmed. It was too much, and she didn’t know how to process it all. Not only was this already the best Christmas she already had, but she didn’t even have a gift for the too-good-to-be-true man sitting next to her. In her life, too-good-to-be-true never was, but every one of her hard earned instincts promised he was sincere. Maddie had spent her entire adult life taking things as they came, but Tom was giving her a surfeit of riches. Too much attention. Too much affection. Too much presence...and dear God, her hormones were certainly reaching an all-time high.

He noted how she was not relaxed, nor was she reaching for the popcorn offered. “Maddie? Are you okay? You’re just sitting there...are you hurting, is something wrong, should I get a nurse...” She was taking shallow breaths as she looked at her hands, clenched in fists as her thumbs kept rubbing her index fingers.

“Please...I just need a moment,” she managed.

He was beginning to get worried. “A moment...help me, Madeleine, I don’t know what that means...I’m getting a nurse.”

Before she could object, he was gone.

Maddie’s fortunes were changing for the better, because she was attended by one of the older staff that was neither desirous of Tom’s attentions nor starstruck. “Well, Robillard, what’s going on that’s got that handsome man in a dither...and oh, you’re not looking so well...” Nurse Sarah Howard went to get her equipment, and suggested Tom give them some time alone.

After a exam and a gentle heart-to-heart, the nurse left her charge in search of a few medications, and certain gentleman who needed to be enlightened on a few things.

Sarah found Tom pacing anxiously in a quiet area of the halls. “Tom? May I speak with you for a moment?”

He responded with the speed he was known for, and that was part of the problem she thought wryly. “Is Maddie all right? Did I do something wrong? Is she overtired? I didn’t think I kept her on her feet for too long but in retrospect...”

Sarah sighed and led him into an unoccupied patient room, then pointed to a chair. “Sit.”

He obeyed as quickly as a well trained hunting dog...or then again, a child brought up run by a religious order, as she had been, she though with a inward smile. “Tom, she is going to be just fine, but you need to understand a few things about Madeleine.”

“Yes, of course,” he swiftly agreed.

“That. That right there,” she pointed at him again.

“What?” He looked around him, puzzled.

“You move very quickly. Right now she needs a little more patience. In a lot of things. You are a very intense man, and I have no doubt when she is back to her prime she is going to keep pace with or even outrun you more like. Women often do,” she sniffed. “But she is tired, in pain, and healing. But more important, you are a bit like a tsunami. Madeline has never had anyone like you in her life. She is used to being marginalized. Ignored. Even exploited. You have showered her with more good things in the past two hours than she has experienced in the last two years...longer. When she add up her physical exhaustion with all that...she is overloaded.”

He bristled at her faintly reproving tone. “All the more reason she deserves to be surrounded by everything she has missed in her life. It’s Christmas Eve. She’s in hospital. I want to give her some Christmas magic...”

“Yes. You want to give her these things. How about you stop for a moment and think about what she would like to receive?” Sarah’s face was undeniably stern.

Tom wilted, his righteous indignation fading. “Should I just go home then? Does she need some space?”

Sarah took a breath, God grant me patience. “Tom, if you left now I think it would break her heart in a way she might never recover...I am just suggesting you stop plying her with everything at once. i know it is Christmas Eve and you want to play Father Christmas...” she trailed off as Tom visibly flinched and he surreptitiously glanced at the clock on the wall. “What. What is...oh, no. No. Tom, you didn’t...He’s not...”

“Well, not now,” he petulantly answered. “It’s nowhere near midnight yet.”

“Thomas Hiddleston, do you mean to tell me that you have arranged for Father Christmas to come to my ward tonight?”

He squirmed. “I...I know people, all right?! And she told me a few days ago Santa Claus never came for her before...”

“And did you ever once think of what kind of commotion and disruption such a visit might cause?”

Tom made a dismissive motion with his hand and head. “Oh, you don’t have to worry about that...it’s covered. No one will be the wiser.”

Sarah put her hand on her stomach. “You are not helping your case.”

Completely unrepentant, Tom asked if Maddie was feeing better. Sarah sighed. “Yes. I gave her something for pain, because she worked very hard at her PT today, she is pushing herself...and then she was overwhelmed, as I said. Go easy on the girl, Hiddleston. And by the way, you are way too tall to be an elf!”

Tom replied with a wide grin. “Does somebody need a hug?”

Maddie was resting on her side, facing the door. She was feeling a little floaty in the head, because of the shot Sarah had just dumped in her hip, but also because of what Sarah had just given her to think about—that Tom liked her, and was, in many ways, just an enthusiastic spirit who wanted to deluge her with everything all at once, simply because he could. If she felt it was too much, she needed to grab her big girl panties and say so. Otherwise, he would never know and continue to shower her with everything as he wished until she was either drowning or waterlogged.

And if she didn’t know how to swim...he needed to know this too. Immediately. Or else he might think she didn’t want to swim, not that she didn’t know how.

Tom poked his head in to find her eyes searching for his.

“No, Maddie, don’t get up.” He reached her side in three quick strides. “I am sorry. I forget how sometimes I am...well...a bit of a whirlwind. In fact, it’s gotten me in trouble in relationships before. You’d think I’d learn, but...” He looked away, unwilling to meet her face, as he reflected on past affairs of the heart that turned into wounds. He so desperately wanted to build a solid foundation in the short periods of time he had available that he threw himself into it with all the fire and energy he did his roles...and yet, that never worked. Too much. Too fast. And then he disappeared, as he must, leaving his other half gasping, then resentful.

She reached out for him. “Tom, I’d like to see you more as a cloud bringing rain to a desert...I would so love to be able to grow some flowers...but too much rain at once is just going to cause a bit of a mess, yeah?” Her voice was sleepy, but affectionate. “What time is it? It must be getting late. You need to be in bed or else Santa won’t come...”

“Ah, but it’s never specified whose bed I have to be in...” Again, he waggled his eyebrows roguishly.

“You’re so silly. Aren’t you going to spend Christmas with your family? Seriously, Tom, I don’t wish to get in the way of that.” But as she spoke, Tom noticed she was holding his hand just as securely as ever.

“I told my family I was spending Christmas with you. I told them that awhile ago,” he confessed without shame. “It’s not as late as you think. Would you like to see a movie? Or are you tired, and wish to give it up and call it a night?”

He knew he wasn’t playing fair when he worded it thus. Maddie blinked her eyes deliberately, and he could just see her shaking off mental cobwebs.

“Tom, I would love to watch a movie with you...would you pick your favorite?”

He all but bounced and vibrated as he queued up Elf.

As the end credits rolled, Tom cast a surreptitious look at Maddie. She had been laughing delightedly at the comedy, but he could see that she was disturbed by the aspect of Buddy being the misplaced orphan, and he was kicking himself about it. How stupid and short sighted he had been...Halfway through, Sarah had come in, given Maddie her nightly medications, and sighed that they were going to make her droopy, but it couldn’t be helped, as she looked at Tom significantly.

Now, Tom was sitting next to Maddie on her narrow bed, and she was curled up next him, her head pillowed on his propped up shoulder. When Sarah had spied this, she had rolled her expressive brown eyes again, and brought a cushion for her head. “Bag of bones that man is,” she muttered. Can’t see where you’ll be comfortable otherwise. You’re welcome.”

Mmm, wouldn’t hurt to close my eyes for just a little moment...

https://open.spotify.com/track/7y2CBABAGfYVvCOvZDc01H?si=MCb3zvZfSz-82YyXq_Z9Qw

Bells.

Why on earth was she hearing...bells?

Maddie could feel that she was sleeping in a very, very unusual position.

For one thing...she was in a man’s arms.

As she began to pull her fragmented wits together, she realized she and Tom must have fallen asleep watching another movie, because her head was still on his shoulder, and his arms were still very much around her, keeping her pressed up against him as he slept, taking in slow, even breaths.

Oh, the dear, ridiculous, foolish man...on Christmas Eve, no less...now to wake him and send him home in the middle of the night? How to do this...and why are there such loud bells in the movie...?

She opened her eyes and tried to move slowly, not to startle Tom. No one liked to be suddenly awakened when in a strange place...

And what to her wondering eyes should appear...

There was...a strange man in her room...fiddling with the stocking...dressed in a...red suit...

“Excuse me,” Maddie called out quietly, “But, um...may I help you?”

“Ho, ho, ho...Maddie, girl. You should still be asleep.”

The figure turned around, revealing the face of a veritable Santa Claus.

“Oh, come on,” Maddie coughed. “I didn’t get those kind of drugs. I know I didn’t.”

“Ah, Madeleine Robillard. I have been looking for you a very, very long time. I don’t know why it was so hard to find you, but...” Santa spread his hands wide in a display of helplessness. “Sometimes, things don’t go as they should.”

“Ah...yeahhhh...Listen, uh...I appreciate this, ‘Santa,’ but whatever you are up to, whoever you are, there are tons more people more deserving of whatever you are putting in my stocking than I am, on this very floor, I am willing to bet...so if you would be so kind, would you give them my share? I would consider it my Christmas gift. Truly, I would.”

“Maddie. You’ve been a very, very good girl. All year. In fact, all your life...for all that you are looking at me like I am some fellow off the street corner in a suit rented by the hour. But I understand, of course you don’t believe in me. How could you? I’ve done nothing but let you down. But that stops now.”

Santa’s voice was rich, like Tom’s...like melted chocolate, but firm. Like a real father’s might be, she thought wistfully. If any of this was real. Which it most decidedly was not.

Tom stirred. “Maddie.” His voice was thick with sleep, but content, and his embrace tightened as she wriggled away from him.

“Tom, you should wake. For one, you cannot be comfortable. You should be home. For another, we have a visitor, and I have no doubt it is no surprise.”

Tom’s eyes flew open. “Maddie, what...?”

“Happy Christmas, Thomas.”

Father Christmas, or Santa, was rather wry as he addressed the lanky man as he struggled to sit up without jostling Madeleine.

“Uhm...Happy Christmas, sir.” Tom looked at the clock on the wall. “You’re...early?”

“You dare put me on a time schedule, Thomas?”

“No sir, I, um...”

“Tom, honestly. As if you haven’t orchestrated this entire encounter...”

“Maddie...”

“Oh, Madeleine. The term is ‘Doubting Thomas,’ not ‘Doubting Madeleine,’ but once again, I understand.” Santa approached. “Give my beard a good tug. Go on. Or better yet...” With a small wince, he plucked a hair from his flowing white beard, then his head. “Real hair. Not nylon.” He then patted his hand firmly on his rounded abdomen. “That’s all Mrs. Claus’ most excellent cooking, dear one. No stuffing here, unless it has cranberry and walnuts in it, ho ho ho...”

Almost instinctively, Maddie’s forehead wrinkled. “But that’s not healthy. Your joints won’t thank you for it, you know.” She stopped, horrified when she realized she had spoken aloud. “Oh, God...I’m...so sorry, that was so rude, please forgive me, I meant no offense, truly I didn’t—“

Her stammering apology was drowned out by the man’s loud, ringing laughter. “Oh ho, ho, Maddie-girl. Think nothing of it. I know it came from a place of care and love.”

Meanwhile, Tom’s mouth was hanging somewhat open, as he was looking blankly at the clock. And shaking his head, all but counting on his fingers.

“Trouble, Thomas?”

“No, sir.”

“Would you say you have been a good man this year?”

Tom found himself pinned by a pair of bright blue eyes that outstared his own.

“Well, I...”

“Yes, he has.”

Maddie’s voice was resolute.

Both turned to look at her, surprised.

“Maddie, you’ve only known him for a few days of the 365. Perhaps there have been times he was impatient. Arrogant. Perhaps there were opportunities that he let his pride or selfishness get in the way where kindness would have better served the situation, or those around him.”

“Perhaps he is only human. Perhaps I have done the same.”

“Perhaps he has had many more opportunities to do good than you have, and let them slip through his fingers. Perhaps you have done so much more with what you have,” Santa volleyed back sternly, looking back at Tom.

“Perhaps he is right here,” Tom grumbled.

“I cannot argue with you, I am sure,” Maddie deferred to the older gentleman, falling back on her time-old defense of hiding in plain sight rather than begin a quarrel that she was sure not to win in the long run, even if she did in the here and now. “However, in all good conscience if Tom is found to be lacking in character and integrity in your eyes, I do not wish to receive anything you would give me. I cannot speak plainer. I have never given so much to a perfect stranger like he has. I do not speak of gifts. I speak of self. I’ve...” her voice became strained, and Tom promptly reached for her hand, “I can’t remember anyone ever being so kind, being such a friend...and when I needed one the most. Was it luck? fate? that he was behind me? I don’t know, but I’m grateful for it, because nothing so good has ever happened to me before, for all that I’m so banged up, and I don’t have a job, and my car is totaled, and oh my God, I’m going to lose my flat...” Maddie’s voice broke.

Tom now had his arms wrapped around her. “I promise to take care you, Madeleine,” he vowed fiercely. “I know you won’t let me carry you, your pride would beat me like a club...but I won’t let you go under. I’ll help you find a job on your own merits. And I will make sure you heal like you need to...and by God you’ll get compensation for what the drunken sot did to you. I swear it.”

Now it was Maddie’s eyes that were pinning him. “Truly, Tom? You won’t treat me as a charity case and keep giving me things? It’s not that I don’t appreciate everything, I do, but I have to do things on my own. I can’t face myself otherwise.”

Santa nodded approvingly.

“Good man, Tom. Good man.” Then he looked at the clock. “Goodness. Time does have a way of going on though, doesn’t it? Perhaps the two of you should both be going back to sleep. Maddie. Forgive an old man for losing his way. I hope to have made up for it. Happy Christmas. And Thomas? Keep up the good work...and let bygones be bygones, boy. Let old hurts go. Carrying them around isn’t armor, a shield, or even a wall. It’s just dead weight. Remember that. And sometimes...what looks like the worst luck in your life turns out to be the biggest blessing you can ever imagine.” He nodded almost imperceptibly at Maddie, who was clearly beginning to become limp in his arms as she fought sleep, unsuccessfully. “Rest well, Madeleine Robillard. I will be keeping a special eye on you now that I’ve found you...and catch up on sleep yourself, Thomas Hiddleston. You’re going to have a busy year, methinks.” He gave them both a tender smile, as he could see Tom also struggling against encroaching slumber.

A soft sound of bells lulled them gently into pleasant dreams.

Merry Christmas to all, and to all, a good night.

#tom hiddleston #lucky #tom hiddleston rpf #tom hiddleston x ofc #tom hiddleston oc #tom hiddleston Christmas #look christine i did a thing #Nonsensical Writes

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josieandthepussycatsofficial · 5 years

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i have done my classic thing: i have started pride and prejudice 2005, i am 7 minutes in, and i am disgusting with this bastardization of the text

my liveblogs below the cut

elizabeth is a man-hating love-hater? not according to any book jane austen wrote!

elizabeth is too silly and improper, mrs bennet, kitty, and lydia are not at all silly enough

this sucks

lizzy is upset that mr darcy didnt find her attractive? that is a devastating mischaracterization and sets the whole plot and their relationship off on terrible and incorrect footing.

also wtf are they sitting under some benches at a dance?

hate that darcy immediately looks at elizabeth (in a way we’re meant to assume means he finds her attractive) as if his attraction to her comes from her initially from her appearance. he really was not interested in her until he began observing her behavior and interacting with he

when mrs bennet says, “it’s a shame [charlotte lucas] isn’t more handsome,” a terribly improper and humiliating thing to say, mr bingley snorts a laugh. mr bingley is not supposed to be improper at all. he has good breeding, he’s rich, he’s just also very nice and friendly. he would never laugh at that

i do not know enough about the regency era to comment, but it seems to me that there are certain liberties with historical accuracy wrt clothing and such in this film that you don’t see in the bbc miniseries. for instance, elizabeth coming to netherfield with her hair down? i don’t believe women ever wore their hair down at this time (*edit* the bbc series and this movie take place in different periods. bbc series: 1813, movie: 1797)

why is mr bingley so awkward? i mean i know why, it’s to make him seem charming and unthreatening and cute and relatable or whatever, but it’s just inconsistent. his character is extremely warm, friendly, polite, not terribly intellectual, but not a bumbling mess who can’t execute a thought without backtracking because he’s so nervous around his lady love

the book has comedy to spare, you don’t have to cheaply manufacture it in this way just because the director’s scared that his audience won’t understand the original humor/scared that he won’t have the ability to make the original humor understood/doesn’t understand the original humor himself because he doesn’t understand the source material!!

i also hate the sharpness and vitriol that this darcy puts in his language. he’s supposed to be uber-polite but cold and haughty. propriety doesn’t permit active hostility (such as when he’s bemoaning the liberal use of the word “accomplished” when applied to women) in regular conversation. that’s intense and insane

why does he speak so quickly? also they really should not have cut the whole netherfield drawing room scene, at least not the conversation between darcy and elizabeth about teasing and pride. they actually now that i think about it cut his whole thing on how a great man can never be too prideful. that’s really fuckin important character stuff! for both of them!

the comedy in this mr collins scene is not landing. they’re like laughing at him before he’s gotten too outrageous. and the actor is such a quiet, mild-mannered dude that he’s not really grating as he should be. this is supposed to be an extraordinarily annoying character, so annoying that the bennets can’t stand him for literally one meal.

ugh they have mrs bennet suggest to mr collins that he should pursue lizzy instead of jane. that’s not out of character for her at all but it misses the opportunity to show how scuzzy mr collins is, and also how fucking little he cares about who his wife is, assuming she meets the criteria of lady catherine de bourgh

ew mr wickham is so skeevy! lizzy’s into him because he’s hot and picked up her handkerchief? that’s it? is she an idiot? he’s not charming or good-natured or fun or funny at all. lydia: he’s a lieutenant! wickham: an enchanted lieutenant (referring to being enchanted to meet lizzy). like scream! what a gross pick up line!!!!)

and their flirtation is based on banter (no!) and him being self-deprecating (maybe, but not in such an obvious way “ignore me i’m next to nothing” what a fucking weird thing to say)

he literally charms her by pulling a quarter out of her sister’s ear. are you kidding? is she 8?

this dance scene btw elizabeth and darcy is all wrong. she immediately jumps on him with “it’s your turn to say something” after it’s been .1 seconds since he last spoke, and he spoke way more amiably (”indeed, most invigorating”) than would be his wont.

oh my god they’ve stopped dancing to angrily talk to each other in the middle of the dance floor? this is so incoherent with the characters (so improper!) and the time period. just cultivating more drama. this scene’s already juicy, they don’t have to be spitting angrily into each other’s mouths for it to come across

so silly and melodramatic that twice in this movie the entirety of a loud crowded drunken ballroom has screeched to a halting silence immediately for some minor drama. the first being the bingleys and mr darcy simply entering the room. the second being mr collins introducing himself to mr darcy (that one is especially ridiculous)

oh god why are they portraying mr collins as so sympathetic and sweet? he’s a fucking asshole! he’s not just annoying he’s a dick! that’s important, otherwise elizabeth is really unjustly mean to him, especially while she’s rejecting his proposal

oh i disagree with the way they play charlotte’s reasons for marrying mr collins. instead of her just not being romantic and marrying for practical reasons because that’s her nature, they make it a biiig thing like she has to marry because she’s old and ugly and otherwise she’ll go to the poorhouse

it’s not surprising that a lot of my critiques have to do with them pumping drama that doesn’t make sense into the story. making characters shout or spit words etc, because of course that’s what a hollywood film was going to do with a 19th century novel of manners

i guess i should say some good things about this movie. the cinematography is very lovely, obviously. i think it’s well cast, especially judi dench, with the exception of kiera knightley and the actor who plays mr collins. i think matthew mcfayden could’ve been a great darcy had he actually known anything about the character beyond the script

actually i take it back, judi dench isn’t quite amping up the ridiculous nature of this character like she should. they keep a lot of her silly lines but she doesn’t hit them to emphasize just how silly they are. she’s almost too stately to play this woman who, despite her great rank, enjoys spending her time being condescending to lower rank people

here comes my agreement with the grand critique of this movie: they make darcy out to be socially awkward rather than a haughty ass. he’s leaning in and whispering that he has trouble conversing with people, as if he means he has social anxiety and doesn’t mean, “small talk with simpletons bores me”

oh no they cut the delicious piano practice scene! they rewrote it and lizzy just says, “you should practice,” and we don’t get to have this famous, witty misunderstanding that elucidates darcy’s character so well!!!

oh no no no in this scene where colonel fitzwilliam tells lizzy that darcy split up bingleys attachment he tells her that the problem wasn’t the lack of fortune but the family! why?????? that’s half of the big reveal of darcy’s letter????? it’s when she realizes that oh his intentions weren’t so bad

i know i already said it but fuck darcy speaks fast. it sounds like shit. why doesn’t he just shut the fuck up and slow down? it’s weirdly inconsistent with his character. though i guess if they’re trying to rewrite him as socially awkward this could be part of that. but they shouldnt be! because it invalidates the whole premise of the story, their romance, and his character arc!

whoa whoa whoa and in the proposal scene when she says “why did you propose by telling me you’re doing this against your better judgement” he interrupted apologetically, trying to explain. what!!! no!!! he is an asshole! he’s insulted that this low rank woman would dare reject him. he didn’t suspect for one instant that she would. he’s fucking fuming from her first word

wow they’re chopping up this iconic proposal scene huh. i guess to make darcy still seem like a Nice Guy. he didn’t get to accuse her of only rejecting him because she was insulted by his proposal, she had to say that line. this movie is like, let’s make lizzy seem as insane as possible, and darcy as sweet as can be.

you’re not supposed to realize how wrong lizzy is, it’s supposed to creep up on you very slowly. youre supposed to feel like she’s been very reasonable up to this point, and you’re as shocked as she is when she reads the letter.

even his face! so shocked and sad like a kicked puppy standing there in the rain (we won’t even touch why the fuck they’re standing outside in the pouring rain). he’s angry right now! he’s so mad! he’s supposed to be fucking mad, because he’s a proud, arrogant, asshole!

oh my god and look he’s saying the lack of fortune of the bennets had nothing to do with it, and lizzy wow she’s sooo crazy for suggesting it, even though 20 seconds ago he just said it sucks that i’m in love with you ‘cause you’re so low class. god this scene sucks

there’s a reason this is all written in a letter in the book, it works much better that way. this is not a back and forth, lizzy doesn’t get to ask questions and poke holes. he offers his defenses and is still kind of a dick, and lizzy has to read it all without responding or rejecting it, really has to sit with it, the way you can’t do in a fight

oh and he just apologized for accurately noting that elizabeth’s family is often really disgustingly improper! how fucking out of character! both in general and in the scene because, and i can’t stress this enough, HE IS SUPPOSED TO BE ANGRY

oh ok i have to redact some of my former criticism. he finally gets mad at the very end here, and makes the comment about “did you expect me to rejoice in your low birth?” though he still didnt say the crucial “perhaps you would have accepted had not the manner of proposal offended you”

wait what the fuck??? did they just lean in for a kiss and lean away?? like a whole, i’m angry at you i’m hot for you let’s fuck thing? what the fuck? not only is that cheap romance melodrama but also lizzy HATES this man. not like oops i love-i mean hate you but really hates him

why do they choose to have elizabeth not tell jane about the proposal? i can’t imagine there being any reason? except of course that’s she’s secretly already in love with him and doesn’t want to admit it! gag

this scene between elizabeth and mr bennet about lydia going off with the forsters is well done imo

ugh god but they’ve given lizzy’s “what are young men to rocks and mountains?” line to mary, making it seem stupid and platitudinal, because that’s mary’s character

oh good, elizabeth is going on another “all men are trash” rant that is a thinly veiled reference to darcy. they’re just fucking taking a wrecking ball to this character’s credibility and intelligence huh?

this is really devastating actually because at this point the movie is telling us that lizzy is fighting through the anger and hate and realizing she loves darcy, after their sexy confrontation and his letter. in reality, she’s realized she was wrong and is doing some deep self-reflection.

she feels a little sheepish about how she boldly she accused darcy of things she was so wrong about but she still isn’t in love with him because he’s still a fucking proud ass! he just happened to be right about some shit that she was too prejudiced to realize

it doesn’t make sense if she falls in love with him before he grows and becomes a good person. it shows a weakness of character on her part and makes his eventual character growth just a cherry on top. oh that’s nice, they’re in love *and* he’s not gonna treat her like shit. totally invalidates the whole point of the story, overcoming personal defaults and finding healthy love that way

wow they make lizzy so stupid! she objects so stupidly to visiting pemberly! oh let’s not. he’s so…. he’s so… he’s so rich! wtf are you talking about? in the book she’s just kind of like eh idk…. do you really want to go? i guess if you think we should go… oh he won’t be there? oh cool let’s do it

ok so i’m 1:21:54 into the movie. i have 45 minutes left. i’m stopping. i’m angry and getting no joy from this so. this was a humiliating project for me, thinking i could enjoy this movie. never again

#pride and prejudice

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aheartyouonceknew · 6 years

Text

The Love that nearly destroyed me.

This is a detailed account of my experience of my love with a blogger and ex fiance, this is my story.

(please forgive any grammatical errors)

A bit of back story, i met her through a family member. When we first met were attracted to each other almost instantly. We drove to Vegas and saw all the casino's and had a blast. As time went on we both grew even more attracted to each other and before the end of the first night we couldn’t keep our hands off each other. On the second night we are getting ready to go out and I am looking in the mirror and I jokingly tease 'would you date me? Id date me' while doing a silly flex.

'what are you gay or something?' She asks me.

'I say no im 100% sure im straight but I have made out with guys before and realised it wasn’t for me.'

She goes wide eyed and freezes up. I ask her what's wrong, but she refuses to look at me or even touch me. I then realised she actually may be homophobic, and I tell her im not gay. She is stone cold. I then realised she as a practicing Christian, that this was a big no no for her.

I tell her that’s all in the past, and that I am comfortable with who I am. She refuses to speak to me or look at me, so i give up and I leave the room upset.

Later that night after dinner, I see her again, she tells me not to talk about it again and we should just forget about it. We have a blast in Vegas, get very drunk. We have this amazing connection and attraction towards her. Sadly the trip had to end but we both decide to meet again.

A couple of days later i meet in her home town in a motel, met her little one and it was fantastic. That same night i get a message from my ex gf asking how my trip was. She glares at me, demanding to know who I was talking to. I panic and casually tell her 'just an old friend.' She demands to know who it is and asks me for my phone. I oblige, she tgen scrolls and see's old texts of my ex and i.

She flips out.

Bare in mind this was less then a week of knowing each other. I didn’t even get a chance to delete my Tinder (to which she saw). I tried to explain to her that this was all moving so fast and I hadnt had the time to sort all these things or even consider them at the time.

So we are in the motel room and she flips out, grabbing her things and is ready to leave. Im on my knee's telling her im sorry etc. She looks at me and asks me what I am willing to do to be with her. I say anything. She says 'ok delete and create a new facebook'.

Im shocked, over 10 years of memories and family photos? Gone?

I tell her I cant do that cause those were too sentimental.

She then decides she wants me to block and delete any female friends I had a relationship sexual or non sexual, she then demands I delete my Snapchat and Instagram accounts. I obliged.

The next thing I regret doing so the most, is to my ex gf of mine.

She tells me to message her, and tell her that I don’t ever want to talk to her ever again (within those terms). I did so, and I felt like a scumbag for hurting thst poor girl that did nothing ill towards me.

After a long hours talk of me asking for forgiveness, we make up.

A week later she decides to bring herself and her little one to my mums house to feel how we are together. My dream is to be a father and I would love her child like my own.

So we are at the house and it was the most perfect week of my life, it was bliss and I knew I wanted this. After the week ended I then realised I had one week left. We were both devastated as I had to fly back to Bali to work for my dad. I then wanted to prove my commitment to her (because I was in love with her at the time) .

So that night I went into my backyard while she was in the living room and dressed up in a black suit and lit an array of candles in my back yard. I messaged her to come out, and I was standing there, she smiled beautifully and kept laughing, I grabbed her by the had and said, 'I may not have much right now, so I cant give you a ring. But what I can give you is a promise that I want to share my life with you.' I then turned to her little one and gave a solem vow to protect her and care for her as my own.

The next day we contact her parents, and they are shocked and scared. Everything is happening so quickly, too quickly they say. But after a long talk, the father and mother gave me their blessing. I promised to take care of their daughter and gave them my word. Lots of tears of joy were shed.

The day arrives when I have to leave, I take the plane back and meet my dad and step mum. I told my dad that I was engaged and he gives me this sour look, 'you only knew her for less then a month, what do you know of love?'.

My dad had promised me work to build echo friendly villas, to which he promised me a stable income in which I could provide for her and her little one when they were here.

What my dad didn’t tell me was that a deal he had fell through, and that the money that was supposed to come in to build the resort wont be available so the resort building is postponed. He tells me I can work for him as a manager, but will only pay me when the business starts to take off and I show my worth.

I am furious.

I had this whole plan that I was relying on my dad, I believed in him to keep his word. Now that it had fell through not only did I feel like I lied to her but her family as well. I asked my dad would it be ok if she was welcome to come live here?

He said of course, I'll support her in any way I can. So I talked to my Fiance and she asks 'will he buy us the tickets?As I already spent hundreds of dollars on passports and luggage.'

I tell her he said any way he can.

I then have a conference call with my dad and fiance. My fiance asks when can he book the tickets for the trip?

I never said that he says.

He explains when he will support her anyway he can means when she gets here with her own money. (take in mind I left my old job in australia and have $0 to my name) So another lie in her eyes and to her family.

I talk to my dad and I tell him, if she cant be here then Im going back to the US, he says ok. ‘If you really love her I'll pay for your ticket’. I tell her about me going back, she asks if there is anything I can do to make some money? I tell her I have my camera and gopros that I could sell. She says 'good sell them' I hesitate, the camera's have sentimental value as they were the first gift my dad ever sent me. She then takes my hesitation as a message of unloyalty. She then yells abuse at me over and over, repeating my faults and telling her of her willingness to sacrifice everything. (to which I understand).

I then promise her to sell the cameras to get my tickets to the US as my dad has proven unreliable. But I hold back from selling the camera's, I don’t tell her about this as I am hoping my dad will follow through.

That night my dad is upset at me for coming here and giving up on the family for '' some chick in the US''. I felt torn on both ends, but I do love my fiance and I will fight for her. He tells me if that’s the case then I ill receive no support from him.

Later that night I responded to all the well wishes of the engagement, an old french high school friend (who is a lesbian) contacted me. I say thank you beautiful as I nickname her beautiful as I have always done. I then get a phone call of my fiance yelling at me saying I shouldn’t compliment any girl, and that I should be her main focus. I try to explain my reasoning but she wouldn’t listen so again I apologies and accept defeat.

A couple of days go by and my fiance asks if I had posted the cameras, I said not yet but I am doing so now. More hurled abuse, more fighting. I post the camera's and get terrible prices for them that would barely get me to the US.

Later that night my fiance calls me up, she is so happy. My mum and her have decided to pitch in to get me here, and that I can sell the camera's in the US for a better price. And that it would be best if we move to Australia together and when I get settled I can pay her and my mum back for the ticket.

But there was a catch,

I have to leave the next night. My fiance urges me to tell my dad of me leaving but I don’t. I hold off in telling my dad at the last second as he had my passport in holding, I feared he would refuse to give me my passport and not let me leave.

When i finally have the passport in my hands i decode to break the news to him.

He is devastated.

I then feel sorry for him and I give him one of my best go pro's to use for his surfing and that he can pay me whatever feels right. So later that night I fly to the US.

Once I arrived, we finally met. She decided to stay at my mothers house while my mother was in paris on a holiday, it would just be me and her.

It was as if a day had not gone by, the same feelings arose and all was well. I took care of her little one by changing the diapers, feeding, and playing. I was in bliss, I wanted to prove to her and show her I could do this. One thing that I never told her was I did feel a lot of shame how I left things with my dad, and I was quite upset, but I put on a smile whenever I could. Later that day i get a message from my dad and found out my dad decided to just pay me $100 ¼ of what the camera was worth, i kind of minded on the sale being so cheap.

She also was not happy, she yells at me, demanding that I pay her the money I owe her by selling the camera's. The next day I successfully sell part of my camera sets and pay her back and she is happy.

One day I am feeling very horny, I tease her and I am extra affectionate towards her. I tell her she is beautiful and does this to me and that I am so lucky to have a girl like her. As the day goes by I am still like a dog on heat. She leads me to the bed room. I get super excited and playful, she then pushes me away and says 'im going to masturbate now.' Im like 'awesome sure let me help'.

‘No, I dont want you touching me but we can masturbate side by side’.

At first I thought she was joking, but at the same time I am extremely hurt.

I think to myself...

'Did I do anything wrong?'

'Is she still attracted to me?'

So I am visibly upset I get up and put my clothes on and leave the room. After about 20 minutes she comes out and I am still upset at her. I tell her Im just going to lie down for a bit, she lays next to me and asks if im ok and apologises for not wanting to sleep with me as she wasnt feeling well. I then tell her don’t worry about it, I'll get over it. I then jokingly told her that I kinda went to lie down so I could masturbate as I needed to release myself.

She then leaves the room. I then emerge from the room relaxed and satisfied. She is scowling at me packing her bags.... She is furious that I decided to masturbate and demanded if I masturbated to other girls or to porn?

I am in disbelief as I felt like there were some double standards. It’s the hotel room all over again, I beg for her not to leave, but she decides to stay.

*Just a note, I respect a women's choice to refuse sex to a man if she doesn’t feel like it. But I cant help to feel upset.*

A couple of days go by my mother returns from paris and she goes back to her home town. We both plan on me visiting her family and me staying at her dads or sisters house while there. Unfortunately they both said they couldn’t house me. She then asks to sell the rest of the gear so I could rent a motel for us to stay. I agree. After the phone call i talk to my mum and tell her everything, my mum says that its only fair i pay her back as well, since i did so with Carolyn.

Yet again I am at a crossroads, but I made a promise to pay my mother back so I agreed to pay my mum. I told my fiance that I will still be seeing her but I would only stay for during the day as I cant afford the motel. She is furious, 'what about the money from the camera gear?' I try to explain to her. But she refuses to listen. Yelling above my voice not giving me a chance to speak she tells me not to come, and that she is sick of the empty promises I never fulfil. She removes our engagement status and blocks me on all forms of social media.

I am devastated, im a heaping sobbing mess to my mum. I love her I really do....I cry. I decided to accept things as they were, so I decided to install Tinder (more to which to heal my wounds and insecurities of being dumped). With the app installed im staring at the swipe screen, and I just cant do it. So I uninstall the app.

I decided to heal the bridges I destroyed and contacted my old ex. I call her just telling her i was sorry for what I had said/done.

'You really hurt me, you really really hurt me' she cried. I cried.

'But I forgive you, because I don’t believe in holding onto hate.' I cry again.

After the talk I felt better that she accepted my apology, but sad knowing things may never be as they were. But it felt good to hear her laugh again.

Later that night I was trying to relax when I get a phone call.

Its my now ex fiance.

I ask her what does she want? She then tells me she didn’t feel like things ended correctly and wanted to make things right. I had enough

Correctly? None of this has ended correctly. I yell.

I tell her that the real reason she is calling is to mask this guilt, I told her I did my best with the cards I was dealt but it was never enough. But to know I at least tried and never gave up on her. The real person who is given up is you.

I then hung up. (and yes that was dramatic as it was in the heat of the moment).

She calls me back, and I ask her. Do you really love me? Yes shes tells me. My heart ache's.

I then tell her that i love her and that I will see her tomorrow to have a real talk.

The next day I take the train to see her, she hops out of the uber and is skipping towards me in a joyful mood. Im cold and numb by this point, i have an emotional barrier up. She hugs me, kissing my arm etc.

'Lets talk.'

We go into the café and sit across from each other in an awkward silence. I tell her I am doing the best I can, and that I believe once I am in control of my own life in Australia we can finally have a normal life. She tells me she loves me and wants that too. She wants things to work, and I really felt like she does. We make up and everything is perfect again, but then she stops and has this smile...Like she is looking forward to something.

She then asks, 'Did you install Tinder?'

I am completely caught off guard and blurt out 'no', as I uninstalled the app. She pulls out the phone in this satisfied smile and ask 'then whats this?' Showing my tinder profile.

I tell her that yes, i installed it but never used it.

'have you been talking to any other girls on social media?'

I decided to tell the truth.

‘Yes, my ex...but only to sa-’,She then gets up and leaves

'if your talking to her again why don’t you just be with her.' And she walks out.

And that’s when I felt like I was done, emotionally just done.

A couple weeks have gone by, and she's moved on.

Although I do look her up from time to time, I am glad that she is happy, I decided to tell this story because I felt like this is part of my healing process. I really did love her. But i dont think she ever loved me.

I felt like she loved the idea of me being a father role, but never really loved me.

She is a hypocrite in most cases on her stances towards men, but that is her reality. I respect her beliefs and her views to empower women but at the same time its contradictory, I dont judge her on her stance towards homosexuality or if religious views.

I moved my life for a love that never deserved or appreciated me, the control factor is scary. The mind games of her holding onto that tinder info waiting to use it on me like a loaded gun showed me she enjoys the control over men.

But don’t get me wrong, this poor girl has been through so much and I understand her distrust towards men (its why I put up with everything). At the same time I do feel sorry for her because of the men in her past has left her broken, its the sad fact of one persons crazy is another persons reality.

If any of you that read this, that has suffered from emotional abuse please dont hesitate to reach out.

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thoughtfulpaperback · 5 years

Text

Rant...on depression and toxic relationships

Ok so no one said anything or did anything in particular that made me want to rant, rather this is something that's been on my mind for a while and I sort of needed to vent especially after these last crappy 3 years.

So just a lot of background in 2017 my younger brother died in an accident. Everyone handles grief differently, I didn't handle mine at all. I arranged his funeral and picked his headstone and casket, I finished my last semester of college and got my degree, and helped start a scholarship in his memory, I became the speaker and awarder of another scholarship in his memory started by a non-profit, I started some masters classes over the summer online, got ready to move from a small rural idahoan town to Portland, Oregon, and supported my siblings as they grieved. My mom and grandparents (paternal) took it the hardest and I made sure I was there for them as much as possible.

Once I moved aand started school, while i loved the independence i had and I fell in love with the city, I struggled hard. It started off great and I was doing so well the first semester, then I was having trouble sleeping. I was staying up later and later until it got to the point were I wasnt sleeping at all. I would get the urge to pace around and do quick strides across the room and then hop back in bed. Then I lost my appetite, just wasnt hungry, then i lost my ability to tell when i was full or not. I wasnt hungry but i knew i had to eat so i would eat but just keep eating until i realized that i probably should stop after eating an entire pizza by myself or a whole Costco cheesecake (what the hell I wasnt even hungry?!?!). Then I started having anxiety problems, i would try to read for class or right a paper and my mind couldnt focus or think I couldnt write or remember the sentence I just reread four times. I'd get so angry and upset with myself that I would stay to throw up. And I couldn't stop. It got so bad that so much as looking at a book or opening my laptop would have me running to the bathroom. That's when I started isolating myself from the friend as i made there. I couldnt go out because I need to do school work (which never got done) and I would just spend the day crying in front of my laptop frustrated with myself and vomiting non stop. Then I became apathetic. I went from this organized strong focused lady who could finish college plan a funeral and make time to talk and care for her family and brother's grieving friends, to this lonely pathetic sick crybaby who didnt even want to talk on the phone with her grandma (how I saw myself at the time). I didnt want to go to class which I was loving at first. Then I actually started missing classes because I couldnt even get out of bed. But I wanted to I would spend hour in bed internally yelling at myself to get up, but it felt like the rest of me didnt want to listen and I started to hate myself for it. Then the suicidal ideations began. It was so subtle and harmless at first. I didnt want to talk to people but staying at home wasnt enough because they can come find me or call or whatever. But no one can interrupts you in the shower. So I started taking long showers. It was only once a day. Then it became twice a day. Then three. Showers turned into baths(which I hated as a until then) and pretty soon I was spending the whole day in the bathroom thinking about how much I just wanted to disappear. Just wanting to be left alone in the tub and never come out again. I didnt it think it was bad, but when I told my friend (who was seriously concerned at my avoidance of her and missing classes) she did think it was bad. I started going to a counselor and eventually started taking medication for sleep and depression (which was later switched to medication for PTSD). I finished the year and did well thanks to the support of my cohort and professors. Then my cousin died and I came back home to take care of my family. I took the year off. And in this year my aunt died, another cousin and this three sons were in a terrible accident which killed three of them and left one with permanent brain damage, and my mother left.

My mother leaving is kind of a big one because this isnt the first time. I just want to say that I love my mother and she has never physically or verbally abused me. But she is toxic as hell. She never grew up. Eloped at 18 to get out of an abusive household, had me at 19 and then my brother at 20, then my father died, she took care of us with the help of my grandparents for a while, then she took off for California with some guy and left me and my brother until her parents made her come back. Then she had my other brother. She was good for a couple of years and then had an affair and took off with some one for a couple of months, she came back. Then she had my sister, miscarried 2 times, and eventually had my baby brother (now 7). And she was mostly doing good, of course I was a co-parent, i took thier schooling and safety more seriously than my mom. If it wasnt for my grandparents, my brother and I wouldnt have had childhoods. He was my partner co-parent, but at my dads parents he was just my brother and best friend. My mom loves us but she is selfish. So I always tried to be selfless, but I also tried to give her the benefit of the doubt because she always comes back. She never apologizes or acknowledges what she had done she just comes back. It never bothered me before I just thought "well this is how she is and I mean she loves me and comes back, she isnt abusive so I cant complain".

Well she left in March and while my other brother and I had been through this and were just kind of indifferent to it. My sister was devastated and my little brother and his routine were messed up. My step dad was an angry mess and so I took care of them all and tried to be the adult (I mean I am an adult right?). I informed him of his rights and options such as divorce. He said he wanted to and I said I could help him with the papers. But I mean I figured she'd come back and i told my sister this over and over again. But honestly i was starting to become less indifferent as I watched what this was doing to her 16yr old psyche and how much it was hurting my brother especially because he didnt seem to understand what was going on.

She came back the beginning of this month after two weeks of coming back to the home to try to take her stuff, fighting with my stepdad, trying to take my little brother (not my sister which also hurt her feelings) and then stealing money from my brother.

And the thing is yall, I was ready and willing to just accept that and just do what we always do and pretend that it didnt happen even though for the first time (I was angry about it because of how much my siblings were hurting). But the thing is, my mother wont talk to me or look me in the eye. She came back and I tried to say high and give her a hug and she just avoided me. Which I was like ok fine you are in a mood let me know when that is over. Then my brother got into an accident (not fatal or serious thank God). She could have called me to let me know, to asked me to pick up the kids, to let me calmly inform them. She did not. She called my sister in a panic to tell her that my brother was in a bad accident (it wasn't) and they were looking for him and for her to find a ride home with a friend. This of course sent my sister into a panic attack she didnt know what to do or even if anyone had picked up our little brother. So she did what all of my siblings do when they are scared, in danger, or completely unaware of what they should do: She called me.

I calmed her down I told her to get on the bus and I'd stay on the phone with her. I had my grandma call the police department to see if they knew of the accident and could give information that would help me locate my brother (they couldnt) and had her call the school to see if anyone had picked up my brother (my stepdad had). I stayed on the phone with her as my grandpa drove me to the house to go get her because I didnt want her to be alone.

When I got there my mom and step dad had just arrived with my brother's (my brother had a panic attack at the wheel and went off the road into a field. No one was harmed but the policeman on duty saw it and my brother was taken to the nearest hospital because he hadn't calmed down and was having trouble breathing (he also has asthma). I get there check on him and my other siblings, we have a group hug (corny, but after losing our brother in a car accident previosly, we all were freaked and needed one). And my stepdad came up to me and thanked me for coming down to check on everyone. My mom rushed inside. I followed and she started putting pot and pans on the stove and didnt look at me. I said hi. She didn't turn around but said hey. I started to tell her what she should have my brother take for his nerves (old wives tale stuff but like in my mind it works so I am going to suggest it ok). Never looks at me. Or acknowledges what I am saying. Some I tell my stepdad. Look my siblings over one last time and head back to my grandparents house. On the way back I realize that she had no intention of calling me. She thought my brother had been in a bad accident, and she was not going to call me. I am the one who had to come tell her about my brother passing away. I left my grandparents crying and screaming (calling a bunch of people to go over there and be with them of course) to tell my mom about it before she heard it somewhere else. And she wasnt going to tell me that my brother was possibly hurt or worse. She rather let my teenage sister panic and try to find a way home by herself than to call me.

That hurt, but I was willing to let that go. I never speak ill of my mom to my siblings or to anyone in general. After everything I still couldnt because she is my mom and she came back and I know she loves me.

The she had my sister call me a couple of days ago to tell me she was dropping of my brother because he didnt have school and she was going to a job interview. Didnt tell me how long I'd be watching him (I asked and my sister said she didnt know). So I just figured I'd ask my mom when she dropped him off. I was waiting at the door for him and she practically made him tuck and role out of the car. She never got out never looked at me and my poor baby didnt have his shoes on the right feet or tied. I Had plans, canceled them because I didnt know how long he'd be staying (wasnt long). And she had my sister call (while she was in school) to tell me that she was outside when she came to pick him up. My brother was upset because he (while she was gone) became accustomed to being dropped off and left with me the whole day or weekend. So it was a fight to get his shoes on and him out the door. Again never looked me. I smiled and waved tried to get her attention. Nope. She didn't even get out of the car to open the door for him. He managed to get it just as I was about to go over and help.

I texted her happy mother's day. Nothing. I tried calling her to say it. No answer. Called my siblings to have them tell her I said it in case she didnt see the text. Nada.

I dont know what I did. What I do know is that I dont deserve to be treated this way. I never did. And that is actually super hard to admit because when we think of abusive and toxic, I wouldnt immediately think of my mother because even though she does things that hurt us, refuses to acknowledge it, expects us to take care of her and respect her time when she doesnt have any consideration for our time and property, she is my mother who loves me. She is the same mother who took us to pizza hut on Saturdays, to the pool and water park during the summer, who bought us Christmas presents, and who we have had good times with.

But she is toxic. she is emotionally manipulative and inconsiderate. I've made excuses and even blamed myself. Maybe I wasn't trying to communicated enough, maybe I made her feel unloved, maybe I am being sensitive since my history with depression and all that stuff. Maybe I am just misreading. Because it has to me, because she loves me so I must be at fault if she isnt talking to me.

But honestly, I am tired of blaming me. I am tired of being the adult in this relationship. I already have my personal issues. My future is pretty unclear as I try to decide if I want to go back to school (my grandparents are pressuring me just to get a job and stick around idaho), or if I still even want my Master's or If I want to do something else completely. Except for when I am watching TV or with my siblings and dog I am pretty much unhappy and confused all the time.

This year was supposed to be about self-care and healing. Not drama. I am just done.

I dont know what to expect into the coming year (in academic years not the year beginning in January) but I am done with self hate and I am done with toxic relationships. I probably cant take another year off without at least finding a job. But I don't think I am ready to go back to school (I miss it so much though), this break has felt more like work even with the fun tumblr convos.

Honestly thanks to the Charmed and Fallen Hero Fandoms because without y'all I dont know how I would have made it through all this. Also thank God for Hacy fanfiction because I needed good reading material in hospital waiting rooms, and in my moments alone to keep me from over contemplating on people who dont deserve it.

#depression #toxic relatives #toxic people #suicidal ideations

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lightforgedeve · 6 years

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What did i come back into?

Dear Journal,

Once again it's been a time since i last wrote, i apologize. I didn't want to lose you on this journey.

It all started with the nightmares, at first i thought maybe they were the after effects of the fog i inhaled. However, it's still lingering and it's been leaving me to have restless nights, so i decided to investigate. At first i locked myself in Vyciels library to research, maybe see if there was a connection to the fog and the dreams. However, since it's still unknown to us what exactly what it was i couldn't find anything, it is knowledge beyond me. So i decided to seek help, at first i thought to talking to Vyciel about it all but i felt maybe she wouldn't be able to, i don't have a grasp of her yet.

I thought to head to talk to the Druids in Moonglade, i understand they know of or have access to something called the Merealid Dream, or something like that. It has 'dream' in the name so surely i would be able to get some answers.

However, it seems to be a sort of realm that only very strong druids can venture into, and that it's a place that is connected to us all but we can't just wonder into. Something of such nature. I couldn't quite grasp it all and it took me time just to understand that, perhaps i wouldn't get my answers.

I decided to return home, with a heavy heart, i felt defeated. At first i wasn't sure how to move forward, but it was nice being back home. I seemed to have arrived at a great time, it seems the city has been flourishing in a new way while i was away. There was a celebration commencing not long after i came back. They were celebrating the city and Republic. Celebrating the allies we have and have gained over time, there were new faces for me to see as well as old friends which made me feel happy.

Some people received honors for their work thus far. It was a happy occasion. However, sad news did come to our attention. I have faith strength will come from it of course.

I also learned my Sister has also been having similar dreams as i have and she had been away as well, around the same time as myself. Her's are a bit different, they seem to focus mostly on just her and Aursuna, which from my recent studies does make some sense. As for Lyn'dara, Aursuna is her love after all. It's her duty to protect her, so failing in that. Well, i can't imagine how devastating that could feel. I have a sense, considering that's how i feel if i ever failed the High Vindicator.

I'm sure it's on a different level for her though since they are a pair after all. I'm glad to be home, and with finding out my sister is also having such dreams, i have hope we can find an answer together and move forward. Vyciel also seems to have a new uh child, i guess. It seems she has a few she is a mother figure too, asides one who really is her blood, which is in it's own way very strange and i don't really want to accept how it came to be as it seems to unnatural. It makes me feel a bit uncomfortable. I am glad she was able to talk to me of such things, so i'm happy to start learning about her. However, i'm...unsure if i want to know these types of things.

I can't deny the feeling of wanting to know, and i know that there is something stirring in me to want to be with her. I can't lie in saying i don't feel angry to others that touch her or are too close to her. One of her children was holding her hand, i didn't know who they were and i was so angry, i wanted to yell at them and it frustrates me to no end when Vyciel is friendly with others or kisses their foreheads. It just seems inappropriate and i'm not sure how to go about it or understand these feelings.

I'll just have to give things time and hope they subside and move on as i grow closer to her in the future. I hope so.

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Dear Journal,

You wont believe this! I couldn't! I was so shocked! I wanted to speak to my sister about the dreams and compile our knowledge, however i was distracted by the High Vindicator as he wanted to introduce me to his, get this, APPRENTICE! He has an apprentice! I was never called such before! And yet, he now has one?! She's not even a Lightforged let alone a paladin! I was so super angry!

I go away for a short time, and then he has someone new to be under his wing. It really felt like such a sting. However he said that i had passed being his apprentice and just wasn't anymore, which felt really amazing. I wasn't aware he considered me as such and to know he thought of me that and that i graduated such a point already, it really makes me try and remember just how long we have worked together and think about all we have gone through.

I feel i am still not ready to be past that point in my life or training, i feel a bit honored. Plus his apprentice is actually really nice, she's interesting. I'm rather excited to see how she grows and continues moving forward. She has a long way to go. I'm sure she's as old or even older then me, yet she really has a long way to go.

She reminds me very much like a piece of coal, or no, maybe a harder metal ah, storm silver ore differently seems more like her. She has a bit of a spark to her that's beautiful but scary at the same time. I can't wait to see what sort of gem can be polished out of her!

I think the High Vindicator will have to be a bit hard on her to get her in a direction and i worry how the effects will be taken. It will either be amazing, or it will go horribly wrong. I'm hoping with me helping i can ease them both and help the transition.

The first time i trained with him wasn't exactly the easiest battle i've been through, but it helped me understand him and i hope she can see through what he does to understand him too. It'll be nice having a comrade in such regards for a change.

She also spoke really easily with me about her life, well i'm sure it was hard for her, but it sort of caught me off guard. Apparently all i needed to do is listen, but...that's how i always am, i think. I'm always willing to listen to others to understand them, so long they feel they can talk.

It made me think about why Vyciel hasn't been able to do that with me. Maybe she's just not ready, or maybe she doesn't know how to talk about her life. I'm not sure. I mean, of course she's told me some things, i've mentioned them before, but it feels very different besides, it's not like i've told her much about me and my life. Well, she met my mother, i figure that's enough to understand me in a way.

I'm going to get some sleep, it had been a long day.

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Dear journal,

Ho boy, i am not sure how to go about today. I went about my day as normal as ever, coming back home from Vyciels i happened upon Liaana, the High Vindicators new apprentice. She was going for a hunt and asked me to join her. So i went ahead to change and clean myself up and get ready for such a venture.

It was amazing to see Shamanistic powers preformed right in front of me. She we talked about her gifts and talents for a bit and we ended up getting joined by Deya, whose another new comer. She happened to see us as she was going about her rounds i guess, so she joined us. We all sat together for a while talking, eating some rabbit, before heading back to the city.

Deya had left before myself and Liaana, once back we talked a bit more before going on our ways. I had to go about my own duties, then in the afternoon we met up once more to see about getting her started on some training. The High Vindicator soon joined us.

She did some basics for warming up. Then we went on to combat. Rules were simple, no weapons. I wanted to go a bit easy on her, but of course couldn't make it look like it with the High Vindicator watching. It was a bit more difficult then i expected and she used the same trap trick on me as she did on the rabbit! It's poor lil’ life flashed before my eyes, i think she should change her method of hunting, that was rather scary. Having the ground suddenly just vanish on me in such a way.

I did of course, as planned, lost. It was rather close, in some ways. She is talented and it was refreshing to fight some new type of battle. In a way. I think i should start challenging myself in different type of battle situations more often, there are many different talents here that are different then demons that i am not used to. I wont learn till i attempt them in any case.

However, uh, well. The rest was a bit difficult. He didn't want us using our powers, and forgot to mention it. In his own round about way, he was apologizing for that. However Liaana gave a bit of a sassy attitude back into how she had asked about the rules. Which of course, set the high Vindicator off to teach her "manners" which was to knock her down and pick her back up to glare at her. Which..of course set everyone off who was watching. I was able to get myself in quick enough and stop anything from going too extreme and the High Vindicator walked off.

Liaana got checked over, of course she was fine. However that's when people started talking poorly about the High Vindicator. Dessendre and Bryceon were speaking of him poorly, claiming him to be terrible for hitting someone who already has injuries. Which normally i agree, but she can't be allowed to use that as an excuse to get away with things so of course i had to speak frank to the pair which in it's own course didn't work well.

I spoke with Liaana to try and better explain the situation and about how the High Vindicator can be. She seemed to understand and as i had hoped he returned and went on to apologize, in his own little way.

The evening tired me out pretty quickly, but i ensured to finish my work before getting to bed. The lack of sleep and the growing fear of my dream has only grown heavily in my heart, the fear lingers a bit in my wake and sometime's it takes me a moment to recall where i am and that things are fine. I've been seeking comfort in Vyciels bed more often, just feeling her near me makes me feel a bit better, her own body heat reminds me it's safe.

But i'm not sure how long it'll last, she has told me a short time ago that her own life is in danger, i think that's only escalated my feelings of fear. I had hoped to speak to her, but i don't want to bother her when she has her own worries and things to sort through on how to save herself and her Archive. I'll just have to make sure i'm ready for whatever way i can help her in her own journey.

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Dear Journal,

I have made a knew very unsettling discovery, well i have found out many, many just horrible terrifying things. I am really not sure how to talk about it all and i don't think i can convey the shock and horror and just very strange day today has been. I'll try.

I decided to do some scouting in the surrounding lands, see if anything was a miss and when i returned there was this very strange air around the city and it was heavy within. I decided to find the High Vindicator, see if anything happened while i was away. The Barracks was closed off, shielded by a shield i wasn't all that familiar with. Cassa'nara showed up and of course she was of little help as per usual when i asked her some questions, speaking in riddles as always like Vyciel does, which irritates me so! So went on to call out to the High Vindicator, and the shield came down. It must of been made by him i figured. I went on ahead inside and found him at his desk. One of Vyciels daughters was there, Presidium i believe her name was. However, she had the darkness of the void around her.

I went on to asking questions, however the High Vindicator stopped me and showed me a vision he had been having. It was, very, very much like my own. Different, but even more so similar to mine then even Lyn'dara's was. The fear, the darkness, the dread of no hope. However, there was a child within his own vision who he was guarding. It shocked me and caught me by surprise. He expressed how that had been effecting him as of late and causing him some troubles. I understand of course.

I was still curious about the rest of what was happening, he told me to leave it be. For then, i agreed. Understanding his own feelings towards such a vision, i couldn't imagine how much it was clouding his mind and effecting him. The fear and anger he must be feeling. I could understand if he never slept, not wanting to face those again each night. I know, i didn't want to.

I was soon invited to have some tea with Eveneah and Zedwynn. I agreed. I like to think i know Zedwynn enough to understand she doesn't usually do such things unless she wants to speak about something of importance. Of course talking of the old times would have been fine enough, but i felt uneasy and needed to know what had occurred to cause the High Vindicator to close himself from the others.

Cutting to the chase i learned of how Zedwynn was accusing the High Vindicator for harming Presidium. As she has bruises upon her body. Of course it made me understand why Vyciel had come to the High Vindicators office to be with Presidium, however i assumed someone else may of harmed her and that the High Vindicator was looking into it. I mean, who sits in a room quietly with someone whose harming them?

I got defensive of course and tried forcing a proper investigation, however Zedwynn and i didn't quite see in the same way so she left. I took matters into my own hands. I thought to calm myself and pray to the Light on the matter, however i ran into the person i wanted to talk to. Presidium was within the chapel on her own praying as well. I decided to see it as the Light had approved of my feelings and were happy to also show me that the man i looked up to was innocent.

However, it was uh, the news and information was a bit more then i could comprehend. After finding out that they, the two, him and her, the High Vindicator and uh Presdium that they uh, they are a couple of sorts it uh, really was just too much for me. I ended up fainting. Eveneah ended up happening upon the scene as well as my sister, as she was looking for me and they were able to rouse me. After such a moment i was being summoned by the Consul, i could barely bring myself together before i was brought to her properly. I already felt so weak and sick and the end of tonight, i'm really not sure if i'll be able to sleep and it wont be the nightmares keeping me awake this time.

The Consul spoke to me about the events of today and my investigating having now helped the summery of it was able to help her understand what needed to be done. Having such explained to me on just how severe what has transpired, i agree with the course.

I'm so angry, but i'm so tired.

I wouldn't be angry if he found someone to be with, finding a mate would be wonderful for him. However, she was already with someone and even though he was aware of that he and her still continued on their own way. That is just disgraceful. It's embarrassing and disloyal.

Of course, i had to have such things better explained to me and my own loyalties were questioned and tested due to my respect and loyalty to the High Vindicator. My own relation with Vyciel was brought in as an example to help me understand. Apparently i have jealousy. I don't still understand what that means, but there are other more important things happening besides my own feelings. I am loyal to the Republic, they have taken us in and have done much for me and my own, not to mention the new growth and new friends and family i can be with. With such said, i'll act as the High Vindicators stand in till everything is sorted through and he returns to his place.

If he can. He had stumbled in upon our meeting about him, a complete mess. I have worries and fears on what had harmed him so. Whatever attacked him is a force to be recon with, however, i feel if this was something coming for us he would have warned us. Instead of blubbering on how he deserves to die, as that is apparently what we think of him.

The Consul of course called for me to find Rosewood, not sure who that is, they must be an amazing healer. I couldn't find Rosewood, but i did find Eveneah who is an amazing healer! Though she said she is Rosewood, i think she's playing a thing called a 'prank' on me. I know i have mistaken her and Presdium before as they look much alike and wear the same clothing, but i think this was a bit too far at the wrong time, so i didn't press it and brought her with me. However, the Consul called her Rosewood, so i'm wondering if Eveneah lied to the Consul about her real name. I'm worried for my friend, i think i'll talk to her about it and make sure she's safe at a later date.

At the end of this, the Consul gave me a parchment that weighs heavily on me. It's promotion papers for me to sign, i would be taking the High Vindicators place. She reassured me she is what the Republic needs now, and that i'm ready. Even Aursuna believes in such.

I have, many doubts.

#world of warcraft #roleplay #orgininal character #lightforged draenei #draenei #human #moon guard #void elves #journal

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clearrx7 · 7 years

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Hicsqueak fic I wish I(or anyone, I’m not picky!) could write: So there’s a lot of discussion about what would happen if in the finale, Hecate sacrificed her magic to the founding stone and had to deal with the aftermath (and I love this idea because it’s SO PAINFUL but like... the thought of the Hubbles + Pippa helping her learn to deal with it is also just SO GOOD).

I am here to propose an alternative! What if.... Pippa was the one who made that sacrifice? (Kay I’m sorry I couldn’t help myself, this idea kind of got away from me and I realllllly wish I could turn it into the long, well written, fully fleshed out fic that I want it to be instead of like a badly put together outline of an idea BUT THIS IS ALL I AM CAPABLE OF). I hope it’s not TOO cringey, but I can never tell with stuff that I put out : ]

What if Julie didn’t show up to Cackle’s because the magic ran out before mini-Julie reached her? Mildred isn’t unfrozen, and Mould’s change of heart comes too late. The school freezes over, and everyone left inside is a popsicle. The other teachers (Drill, Bat, Algernon) wait at the town for them to show up, and keep trying to reassure the students with placating words like “oh I’m sure they’ll be fine, let’s sing another song”, but getting less and less convincing every minute.

Clarice and Bea are guilty/angry/beating themselves up about not going back for Sybil. After a certain amount of time, Dimity loses the last bit of hope she’s holding onto, and knows it’s time to tell the Great Wizard. She manages to contact him, and the two of them inform the parents of the children that there’s been an incident at Cackle’s. However, he’s trying to do damage control, worried about how it would look if the public knew the truth and orders the remaining Cackle’s staff to keep it vague and not reveal anything about the founding stone or what exactly happened to cause the mass evacuation.

He sends magical missives to the heads of other schools in the area, since there are now a couple hundred schooless witches that need a place to go. So now Pippa and Julie know that something bad’s happened, but neither of them know everything. The message to Pippa simply said an accident has occurred at Cackle’s and that the school is now shut down and in quarantine, and for Pippa to reply with the number of student refugees her school can accommodate.

Julie is told even less than that, only that something happened at school involving Mildred, and she won’t be able to see her for a while, but that they’ll let her know if anything changes. She’s obviously not satisfied with this and demands to know what’s going on, the people on the Great Wizard’s side just refuses to give anymore details and shut her out. She’s kind of desperate for information, so she calls her only magical friend, Pippa (I’ve kind of borrowed @always-la-belle-epoque’s headcanon that Pippa reached out and they became friends after spelling bee, I hope you don’t mind!) to ask for help. Pippa has been trying to find out what exactly happened at Cackle’s, and most importantly if Hecate is okay. When Julie makes contact she adds Mildred to her queries, but she’s given the same brush-off by the Great Wizard.

She’s really worried now because she can’t reach Hecate, through mirror or maglet or a discovery spell(it can’t sense Hecate’s magic since she no longer has any), so she tries Ada, with the same results. At this point it’s full on internal panic, she’s just barely holding herself together on the outside. She tries Dimity, and almost collapses in relief when the mirror call goes through, and just asks, are Hecate and Mildred okay?. Dimity takes one look at her face/expression and knows better than to try to bullshit her regardless of the great wizard’s orders. Dimity tells her what actually went down, and her face just drains of colour as her vision fades a little at the edges as she just sits in a shocked daze. Julie doesn’t fully understand all that stuff about the founding stone, but she knows that Mildred is in a lot of trouble and needs help. She gives Pippa a little pep talk and gets her to snap out of it.

The two of them decide that they need to go to Cackle’s to see for themselves. Dimity tries to tell them that’s not a good idea, that Pippa will just get herself frozen too, but the two of them ignore her warnings and go off to Cackle’s together. When they get there, they find Mildred first. Julie is horrified, but somehow miraculously gets her out the same way she did on the show (super-powered magic hugs :D). Now that Mildred is unfrozen, she tells Pippa how to reignite the founding stone. They go up to the tower with the founding stone together, and see the hallows + hecate + mould + Agatha & Gullet all frozen around the stone (I’m imagining that after the magic weakened enough to let them out, A&G wanted to gloat and maybe use the magic sucking powers of the founding stone for some nefarious purpose, but spent too long sniping at each other not realizing how weak their powers were since they spent so long in the photograph, and ended up frozen).

Pippa is devastated seeing Hecate trapped in the ice, how fragile she looks, her expression a mixture of fear and pain. She resolves to do what needs to be done to reignite the founding stone. Just as Pippa’s about to head over to the stone, she sees Mildred step up to it, ready to give away her own powers. That’s the moment her heart just melts/breaks and she knows that she would protect Mildred with her life (She already thought Mildred was a great kid before this, but it’s like... the turning point between -yeah Millie’s a sweet kid, I’ll help her out a bit at school- and -MUST NEVER LET ANY HARM COME TO HER AND DO EVERYTHING IN MY POWER TO KEEP HER SAFE-).

Anyways, she stops Mildred and tells her that she can’t let Mildred sacrifice herself, that she has to be the one to do this. Mildred protests, but Pippa puts her foot down and starts the spell. Julie and Pippa’s eyes meet while she’s performing the spell, and Julie’s overwhelmed with gratitude and just silently mouths a thank you to Pippa and all three of them are tearing up.

The spell works and everyone unfreezes, and as soon as Hecate realizes what’s going on she just lets out this agonized sound of protest and screams for Pippa to stop, “Pippa, you mustn’t!” and tries to redirect the spell to take her powers instead (like what Mould did for Mildred). Hecate is an emotional wreck when she realizes that It’s too late because Pippa’s already completed the spell. But there’s no time to process anything now because Gullet, Agatha and Mould are all unfrozen too.

So now they’re in a witch stand off where it’s pretty much Mildred, Hecate, Esme, Sybil and Ethel vs Mould, Agatha and Gullet (since Pippa and Julie are magicless). Agatha wants the founding stone, and obviously Hecate can’t let her take it. She realizes that she probably wont’ be able to hold off 3 adult witches by herself, so she reluctantly asks Esme if she’s able to help (she doesn’t want to put Esme in harm’s way, but this situation doesn’t give them much choice), and tells Mildred, Ethel and Sybil + nonmagical people to stand back. Well, she phrases it like, “Ethel, Sybil, Mildred...Keep Ms. Pentangle and Ms. Hubble safe.”

And now there’s spells flying everywhere and it’s pretty evenly matched even 3 v 2 (since Hecate and Esme are both two of the most talented witches of their respective generations, + Esme absorbed the power of the founding stone which I imagine would be much stronger than what she had before, and Agatha only has Esme’s 16 or 17 year old magic? I actually have no idea how old Esme is supposed to be).

Meanwhile, Mildred keeps on trying to talk to Ms. Mould to get her to change sides. Agatha sees that it’s making Mould doubt her choices, and tries to shut Mildred up by sending a powerful spell at her that would have seriously hurt her. Hecate and Esme were occupied with Gullet and didn’t expect Agatha to target Mildred so suddenly, and they can’t react in time to protect Millie. Pippa and Julie both try to step in front of her, but surprisingly, it’s Mould who takes the blow for Mildred. Now Mould’s gravely wounded, Gullet and Agatha have one less witch on their side, and Ada shows up with Enid, Maud and Felicity. The two of them decide its in their best interests to gtfo and they transfer out to escape before anyone can stop them.

Mildred is crying by Ms. Mould, who’s struggling to breathe. Mildred begs Esme, Ada or HB to heal her. The three of them together manage to save her. The great wizard is informed again of these new events. He takes Mould away to be put on trial at a later date and says that her actions to save Mildred will be taken into consideration. The rest of the Cackle’s students don’t have to spread out to different schools after all, and they all come back.

Clarice + Bea have a tearful reunion with Sybil. Ethel isn’t expelled because officially, the incident with the founding stone didn’t happen, but there are still consequences, e.g. they put some kind of spell tracker on her and she’s only allowed to cast authorized spells in class for the rest of the year). After they sort all of that out, there’s an awkward moment where the great wizard turns to Pippa and just says, “your sacrifice will forever be honoured and remembered by those in this room, but unfortunately, someone with no magic cannot run a magical school. You can no longer be headmistress of Pentangle’s.” And Pippa just nods and says sadly, “I know.” Hecate, Mildred and Felicity are all devastated and protest even though the all know the reality of the situation.

Later that night, Hecate and Pippa are in Hecate’s room, and Hecate is still trying to understand WHY Pippa did this, and Pippa just says “I had to save you. I don’t regret my choice.” And Hecate just cannot comprehend it, feels so terribly guilty, expects Pippa to hate her. Her voice is full of shame, barely louder than a whisper as she forces out the words. “I cost you everything. Your school, your life, your magic...12 generations wasted. You must despise me. I am so, so very sorry.” And Pippa just smiles wistfully and says, “You didn’t cost me anything Hecate. I gave it willingly, and I would do it again. Of course I don’t despise you. I could never despise you...because I love you. I’ve always loved you, and I think I always will.” Hecate just breaks down, and just hugs Pippa to her so tightly when she says “I love you too.”

The next week is pretty rough, Pippa’s struggling with not having magic anymore,and also not having her school anymore, and both of those things are equally painful. Sometimes she can’t help it and just has to cry and feel sorry for herself for an hour, usually in Hecate’s arms. That’s one good thing that came out of all this, she and Hecate are finally together, a bright light in a dark time. She has a lot of talks with Esme about how to cope, since Esme’s the only other person who can understand what she’s going through. Mildred comes around a lot too to help her out with non-magical stuff, and because Mildred is Mildred, she refuses to give up and is working together with Felicity to find a way to get Pippa’s powers back.

Millie and Felicity come up with the idea of getting all the girls at Cackle’s donating a little of their own power(like, 1%) to make up what Pippa had to give away. And the two of them give an inspiring speech to the student body, and everyone volunteers, including the teachers. They perform the mass spell and Pippa gets her magic back. HB and Pippa tearfully thank everyone, and especially Mildred + Felicity. Pippa gets her school back, and she and HB live happily ever after forever THE END. THIS IS JUST SHAMELESS WISH FULFILLMENT AND SELF-GRATIFICATION ON MY PART. (I’m not sorry :DDD)

#hicsqueak #Hecate Hardbroom #Pippa Pentangle #Pippa is a pent-angel #TWW Finale AU #fic idea #TWW17

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iluvtv · 6 years

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“I Sleep in a Bed but I’m Homeless” and other contradictions in terms

Last month Donald Glover curated a media moment. He hosted Saturday Night Live while his alter ego Childish Gambino simultaneously appeared as the musical guest. All the while (to much social media fanfare) he dropped a music video chock full of divisive commentary on racism in America. In my opinion this wonderfully creative and crucial social commentary rattled the masses far more than I think they should have. I'm startled by the possibility that one could "be here now” and still be surprised that This is America.

Point being though, that during a spring weekend’s naughtiest hours in 2018 Glover did what he did best — worked. And in doing so his art (as it is wont to do) challenged us. In just a little over and hour this legendary genius gave us everything he has to offer. He made us laugh, taught us something and kept up his now signature cocky air. Reaffirming that while he will provide his brilliance for us to share and learn from it is not exactly for us.

In an incredible New Yorker interview by the fabulous Tad Friend earlier this year Glover explains; “If ‘Atlanta’ was made just for black people, it would be a very different show. But I can’t even begin to tell you how, because blackness is always seen through a lens of whiteness—the lens of what white people can profit from at that moment. That hasn’t changed through slavery and Jim Crow and civil-rights marches and housing laws and ‘We’ll shoot you.’ Whiteness is equally liquid, but you get to decide your narrative.” For the moment, he suggested, white America likes seeing itself through a black lens. “Right now, black is up, and so white America is looking to us to know what’s funny.”

But before we go that deep, early in that SNL episode there was his monologue. Through this caricature of himself Glover pokes fun at the man he presents in this interview. By claiming there is "nothing he can't do" while failing at everything, subsequently puking into a clarinet and repeatedly bringing up his rejection from SNL many careers ago, he delivers audiences a humbler version of himself. This is notable because even if the farce is egotistical what he's actually playing is failure. Was this by a cast writer's design to mock his arrogance or did he write every word himself?

Neither would surprise me. After greedily consuming Atlanta’s first season (Hulu why must you wait so long to give me new FX seasons?) and then studying the media image Glover presents I see he is his own anomaly.

Confident, worried, scared, brave, untouchable and sensitive. Through his thoughtful creativity he has (for the most part) been given permission to be whomever he wants.

We all will agreeably, eagerly (and even gluttonously) accept all of it.

He didn’t always believe this would be possible. When he first pitched Atlanta he was certain this wouldn’t be the case at all but FX surprised him. In the New Yorker interview the producers explain:

“The parts that you’re worried we’re going to think are too weird—lean into those.”

From its onset I suppose Atlanta can be read as sad. A sort of devastating drama on race and poverty and violence. And while this is clearly a trap story there is an almost inexplicable, deep seeded sense of satire that feels both simultaneously impossible to pinpoint or ignore.

In imagery and experiences (which more often than not trend more towards metaphors than reality) Atlanta challenges me. I just can’t get enough but I also can't help but feel like most of the time I don't totally get it. And this is just the tip of the iceberg in the long series of anomalies which like Glover himself comprise Atlanta. At the end of the day am I just too white, slightly too old (and more to the point un -hip) or was this confusion just the purpose?

FX Chief John Landgraf explains to the New Yorker, “Donald and his collaborators are making an existential comedy about the African-American experience, and they are not translating it for white audiences.”

There is a consistent underlying dichotomy in all of Atlanta's odd stories and part of it I suppose is an assumed understanding between the white coastal viewer and Glover that we are only partially in on the joke.

Presenting this dichotomy, Atlanta begins introducing Earn (Glover) and Van’s (Zazzie Beetz) relationship which while terribly charming is equal parts fleeting. Seconds into a relaxed and loving scenes their relationship just as quickly turns contentious.

We watch this pattern repeat again and again.

The pilot episode continues in this vein introducing relationship dynamics before revealing a storyline or history.

We meet Earn’s fed up parents. Friendly enough but annoyed that their adult son is always asking for money, oh and also that he doesn't flush.

Earn: "That wasn't me."

Mom: "That was you. I checked. You better start eating some real food and not all these candies and cookies..."

We are introduced to my favorite character, Darius (Lakeith Stanfield) wearing only an apron while baking cookies. He also has guns and a butcher knife.

We witness the first of many racial power dynamics as Earn takes his cousin Alfred’s (Brian Tyree Henry) tape to a white DJ “buddy”, hoping if he can get Al’s alter ego Paperboi radio time he'll be able to convince his cousin to give him work representing Paperboi. It is here we see some dumb white kid front as though he is "hard" using language he would never use in front of any black man he found intimidating. Because Earn is not intimidating. In the face of this obnoxious DJ Earn is unassuming, friendly and essentially desperate all the while ignoring the terrible behavior of a stereotypical white millennial’s crude attempt to impress his "nigga" while completely refusing to throw Earn a bone by spinning Paperboi's first single. It is noteworthy throughout this season just how child like un-intimidting the character Glover has created for himself is.

Later when Earn manipulates things in his own favor he asks an older black janitor if this rude white DJ has ever said "nigga" in front of him.

The janitor is stunned by the very thought!

But this is who Earn is. Friend describes it as such: “Atlanta” broke rules that most viewers hadn’t quite realized were rules. In comedies, jokes are underlined by closeups, but Atlanta’s camera stayed aloof, serving not as an exclamation point but as a neutral bystander. The characters didn’t have histrionic reactions to the problem of the week; they just gave up a little more. Earn was an antihero, as is now customary, but, unlike Don Draper or Walter White or Olivia Pope, he wasn’t an expert in anything. He wasn’t a great manager or a great part-time boyfriend or, for that matter, a particularly promising human being. Curiously boyish in shorts and a backpack, he wasn’t even active, the minimal standard for television characters. He didn’t seem to do or want anything. He just watched and flinched and got yelled at to grow up.”

The episode ends with the show's first of many very obvious forays into existential surrealism. The way Atlanta plays with fantasy is very fresh and new and brave and often completely impossible to fully comprehend forcing me to wonder why I only took a handful of philosophy courses in college?

But aren’t those courses just an antidote of the privileged white youth’s confusion?

That and marijuaina.

Again, Friend addresses this discussing Glover's complete willingness to fail where other black television revolutionaries are wary.

“This sensibility is singular yet recognizable. Just as John Cheever’s epiphanies and apologias were stamped by drink and Paul Bowles’s hallucinatory quietude by hashish, so “Atlanta” ’s vibe is molded by weed. There’s a goofiness to the action, a dreamy awareness that reality is untrustworthy right now, but hold up, try this edible. Recognizing that quality, Lakeith Stanfield told me, “I decided to play Darius as a high version of myself. And now he’s become all the fantastical elements of Atlanta condensed into one person—this gateway to Freakville.”

Half way through the pilot we find Earn on a bus with his sleeping daughter opening up to a well dressed black man in a suit about feeling like a loser. "Am I just there to make things easier for winners?” he asks.

The man sits listening patiently on this bus seat, all the while making a Nutella sandwich. "Just a symptom of the way things are," he explains to Earn "actual victor belongs to those who simply do not seek failure."

He forces a bite of his chocolate bus sandwich on Earn and then just as quickly disappears, only the tub of Nutella remains.

And abruptly the episode closes where it began, realizing the reason why the first scene was so confusing is only because it was actually the end. None of these characters were lying or being intentionally evasive, rather the drama which opened Atlanta had not yet ensued. And while it is still rather unclear, on some level even the whitest and most sheltered kids (those who can comfortably say the N word around very specific audiences) understand this rhetoric just enough and those who grew up in the trap world of Atlanta could probably write their philosophy dissertations on the scene.

As an audience we continue to ride out their drama into episode two. Conveniently, the coinciding moments of Alfred's arrest and his radio debut have vaulted him to instant fame all while housed in the relatively newsless space of jail.

When Darius comes to bail him out even the cops ask if they can pose for selfies with Paperboi. A beautiful moment of social commentary on race, class and most importantly fame.

Meanwhile, not-famous and mostly useless Earn stays stuck in jail which lends itself to one of the saddest satirical series of scenes I have ever seen. Think Orange Is The New Black but really, really funny or maybe really, really miserable and also just so exactly where any of us (even the more privileged white girls) might end up for a few hours after a really, really bad night.

Fortunately I never have but I will take Atlanta at it's (sur)real(ist) word.

When Earn is told by the guard he cannot sleep he is baffled.

“Everyone sleeps."

To which he is told, "If you wanted to sleep you should have thought about that before you came to jail."

This dysfunction is further magnified by the token insane guy who apparently gets locked up on a near weekly basis. While his absolutely pathological behavior at first prompts laughs from the rest of the men waiting in lock-down they also all just sit there and quietly watch as the guards kick his ass and drag him off to solitary.

To the repeat offenders this is normal behavior.

Earn, like myself seems less comfortable with this violence.

Meanwhile, Alfred due to newfound Paperboi fame is suffering his own violent satire.

On a walk through his projects he sees a kid with a toy gun shooting at his friends. They are playing a game of pretend in which the male child is Paperboi.

Alferd observes this. The kid, through clear admiration of his alter ego pretends to shoot down his little girlfriend. She feigns death just as the children's mother comes out to yell at the children, asserting to these small black bodies that they should "just say no to guns"

Overwhelmed, and clearly experiencing a myriad of emotions from the last 24 hours Al approaches the family and argues to the children that "shooting people ain't cool." At first the mother is stand-offish and annoyed at his presence but once he admits he is the very same rapper whom they are make-believing about the mood shifts. Instantaneous hilarity ensues as she is suddenly very interested in this infamous man. Momma comes on hard posing Al with the family for photographs. She is genuine comic relief "now one with my head on yo chest," she says as she snuggles in. And even Al who was out for a walk to escape the fresh madness his single has suddenly created seems calmed -- his comfort level with being viewed as violent has shifted now that it is getting him some pussy.

Likewise, the mother is now completely comfortable with the children playing “guns”, clearly sending the message that fame and more specifically hip-hop fame excuses violence.

This hypocrisy so clearly mirrors that of the prison guards from earlier and sadly represents America’s reality. If everyone from the single Mothers in the ghetto to the police are down with rappers using guns it must be OK, right? And folks were even remotely shocked by Gambino’s music video which debuted nearly two years later?!

The episode closes when Van finally bails Earn out of jail. It is unsurprising really that it is left on the woman to pull through and protect the men. I find that this aspect of American reality is more often acknowledged in African American and other ethnic popular culture than in white. This is too bad really, as it is a remarkable reality which women are tremendously under-appreciated for. I too have bailed a boyfriend out of jail. I watched him walk out of the police station arms in the air, proud of his day. He also never came with me to Salinas to collect the title of my car which I lost to the county in the bail process (its a complicated when you are only 21 and haven't owned anything or held a job for longer than 2 years).

Appropriately, the credits run to Bill Withers' "Grandma's Hands," subtly noting the importance of the matriarch through a beautiful song. This also solidifies Atlanta's role as one of the best television soundtracks I (the generally music ignoramous) have ever bothered to notice.

As the audience grows more comfortable with the odd (yet perfect) stylings of Atlanta we venture into episode three armed and ready to address poverty as it pertains to immaturity. In real life Donald Glover and I are the same age but somehow he plays Earn much younger. Pop Culture Happy Hour Pod Cast discussed this episode at length, pointing out that the pathetic date Earn organizes to impress Van is actually just a very young man's attempt at romance. They argue that this scene would likely play out quite differently for the couple ten years later. Then again, Glover himself might come back at this this theory; pointing out the story he is trying to represent here is "the trap" and the assumption that the only thing which keeps Earn so completely suffocated by an up-selling, self-serving waiter is time is just a white, educated NPR audience being only marginally clear on the concept. I can see both sides to this particular coin while (as a white, educated NPR listener) also continuing to ascertain that Earn's overall behavior reminds me more of my 20 year old sister’s than my clique of 30-somethings (whom I consider millennials only due to some made-up falsehood of a technicality -- we are very clearly The Oregon Trail Generation).

Anyhow, this frozen-in-time youthfulness (as a means to escape poverty while actually perpetuating it) is already well established in our protagonist and immediately reinforced as the episode itself opens with him ordering a kid's meal at a fast food joint. No dice:

“I Didn’t get title of daytime manager by passing out discounts," the proud black girl behind the counter explains.

He begs for a water cup instead and settles on stealing diet coke from the fountain -- eyeing the hispanic janitor with a daring glance. He walks away in his short shorts in the rain and backpack, emphasizing either his pathetic-ness-- or just child-ness.

And as I so often did 14 years ago in the middle of the day he heads to Alfred's where they smoke blunts and play video games.

OK I didn’t play video games but my productivity level was essentially on par.

And somehow while reliving our own boring youths through this mundane existence of an ordinary day audiences are still terribly entertained.

Darius, our scene stealing, wonderful guru of a roommate irons in his bathrobe, pulling a gun out of a cereal box. "Just so you guy's know there's probably a bullet in here somewhere, “ he warns.

A drug selling story arc evolves between Alfred and Darius which in a more mature moment Earn is wary of due in large part to his cousin’s new-found notoriety (but how else are they supposed to make money?) however, because I am a white girl and the drug story in this episode just gets so fucking dark and also I can only bombard you with so much information I will instead focus in on the terrible date which Earn attempts in hopes to assuage Van's whining about his irresponsible behavior.

No dice

She's wary from the get. Even tries to refuse his invite at first but he begs:

“Can I at least buy you dinner and watch from the other side of the room? I can even get one of those corny ass dudes you like to eat it with you.”

He continues, mocking the guys she likes by mimicking her (always a good strategy when you’re trying to prove you are the preferred choice): “‘I love your energy. Your dreads are in a bun’ “

The two accuse each other of being their own worst black stereotypes.

“I’m in a bed but I’m technically homeless and love it,” she mocks back.

They giggle. Something about their terribly unromantic connection is just so terribly romantic. Or maybe I just really, really like when guys make fun of me?

There's a brief scene involving the gun between Darius and Alfred where Darius solidifies himself as my favorite character, absolutely proving unequivocally that the most simple men are also the wisest. He explains to Alfred that his “assumed perversion of the word daddy stems from his own fear of mortality.” sheer and idiotic genius. An utterly true and hilarious savant.

Meanwhile, the date Earn has finagled is not going according to plan. WIth only $63 in his bank account and promises of a decent happy-hour dashed he is just in a hipster restaurant in a bad neighborhood, springing for a valet, with a date who is luxuriously lapping us each and every ploy from their server to raise their check.

When Earn, trying to lower their overall bill in spite of Van's pricey picks asks for a "Miller High Life in a can," the waitress responds,"ooo we've got a hipster!"

Yes, us educated, white NPR listeners sure as fuck did try to appropriate poverty through the hipster movement, didn’t we?

You can get a $17 trotter hot dog at the bar around the way from my house.

Likewise, Darius and Alfred's drug deal has also gone all wrong. They have been led to the middle of nowhere only to find a gang of black men with chains, drinking Hennessy and hanging out in front of a luxury camper van chilling around a campfire. Here the woods are a stark juxtaposition from their familiar life in the projects and yet the forrest is surprisingly more menacing. Nothing safe about unfamiliarity -- particularly when guns are in the mix. However, even with a tied up guy crying in the corner there is this unshakable element of satire, ever present yet so difficult to explain or maybe even understand. An impending doom of hilarity is the omnipresent mark of all Atlanta scenes.

But just as the episode grows darker and all of our protagonists’ immaturity increasingly complicates their situations the resourcefulness these young men have learned growing up without means also manages to save them.

At the end of the day nobody wins -- and the best laugh is when the homeless guy working as the restaurant’s (off market) valet runs into the fancy restaurant to warn a random white man in an expensive suit that his car is being towed prompting the two polar-opposite gentlemen to race outside in excited collusion. This sudden impromptu camaraderie is just a downright hilarious aside.

But in a true test to it’s sitcom roots, Atlanta holds to the rule that come episode four nothing much is really permissible to change so in spite of tremendous havoc nobody really loses. At the end of the day Earn solves the problem of the expensive date by reporting his debit card stolen and Darius and Alfred don't die.

Maybe even the homeless valet got a tip.

In both a sitcom’s writers room and in the trap, everybody's just trying to survive.

The following episode The Streisand Effect continues this exploration of survival. We peer through the lens into fame and notoriety wondering if success built through any means necessary, driven by the sheer desire to survive can ever really be deemed ethical.

Oddly, the querry reminds me of one tackled by a completely socially unconscious show — the Friend’s episode where Phoebe and Joey argue the existence of truly selfless good deeds in The one where Phoebe hates PBS.

The Streisand Effect centers a similar debate through a racially ambiguous asshole internet "celebrity" (aka troll) who causes an all out twitter feud (which Alfred brings to real life). Meanwhile an interesting story line between Darius and Earn play out as the two explore what one’s existence means when you are truly just surviving pay check to pay check.

There are other episodes I love more and will focus more energy into analyzing but here are a few of the very best, most stand-out lines:

Old bartender: "Guy was Smoking a swisher with no weed. He gave me the creeps."

Darius: "Chinese people short because of Genghis Kahn, look it up!" Earn: "In what? The racism book?"

The aforementioned troll (Zan) to Alfred (who is accusing his internet game of being pretty fucked up): "All a gang, we all just hustling"

Alfred: "I have to rap, I'm making the most of a bad situation." Zan: "You’re exploiting your situation. All of us are exploiting to make money"(hilarious scene ensues with Zan filming a paid child to spout filthy rhymes and deliver pizzas).

And if you are interested, this moment is discussed in greater depth on Fresh Air where, Brian Tyree Henry explains what this trap means to him.

We close with Earn teaching Darius that poor people don't have time for investments they need to eat today. This is a poignant moment where their friendship is solidified, poverty is explored and human nature vs. exploitation is left undecided.

Personally, I tend to agree with both Alfred and Zan’s views of exploitation though admittedly Alfred’s actions are certainly carried with far more integrity.

If you are particularly dense but have made it all the way to episode five, Nobody Beats the Biebs, you will no longer be able to ignore the absurdist tactics this show is employing to fuck with our perceptions of race, appropriation, stereotypes and popular music culture.

The episode takes place mainly within a high school gym at a celebrity basketball fundraiser for Atlanta’s Youth. Paperboi has been invited to participate in the charity game and Earn of course attends as “representation”. Noticing a gorgeous successful news anchor there to cover the event, Alfred ditches Earn and sets off to pursue a date (or at the very least an on-air interview). She immediately staves off both advances, letting him know that she knows him as “the guy who shot someone.” He insists that isn't really who he is and invites her to get to know the real him, "I'll let you interview me someplace real fly like Bennihana," he offers to which she retorts that she and her fan base aren't into the “gangster thing”, and blows him off fairly easily as the commotion of "Justin Bieber's" arrival has distracted the masses.

At first I assumed that Justin Bieber was one of the white guys in this entourage but as a feud ensues between Alfred and JB you realize that in the fantastical world Glover has created Bieber is in fact just black. Or at least appears that way to us. After watching the whole episode I can't definitively pinpoint why Glover created this racial fluidity. Was it a point about racial appropriation, common perceptions and stereotypes? Or was he just trying to fuck with his audiences? I can only assume that most of Glover’s surrealist style is designed to achieve all of the above (and more). Anyway, this Bieber who may be just as black in appearance as Paperboi, is definitely not just one in the same. Other than his outward appearance the Bieber Fever is the same douchey, successful, unapologetic and handsome man I assume him to be in real life (admittedly I know zero about Justin). In Glover’s world though he can pee on the floor in front of everyone and the general opinion of him is not even slightly affected. He is the Golden Boy pervious to social optics and to him (much like to the pretty newsgirl) Paperboi is "a nigga who blew other niggas brains out…” although he adds the operative “cool!" to the end of this statement. As the episode develops Alfred's hatred towards this pop sensation grows and they wage war on the court. Afterward Bieber offers a press conference full of "sincere" apologies for the fight. All really just a marketing ploy for his new song called "Justice," (a title with more irony than I care to unpack here).

Meanwhile, Earn and Darius are also confronted by stereotypes and racial profiling.

Earn encounters a successful music agent who mistakes him for a different black man whom she believes destroyed her career. In an attempt to seek revenge on this man she at first is very kind. She invites Earn into an elite circle of producers it is all very posh and excellent for networking and Earn laps it up, happy to play along with her confusion as long as this woman’s racism serves his needs. The rewards are seemingly high enough that Earn can turn a blind eye, joining a very specific brand of self loathing by embracing the fact that he is participating in one of the most frustrating and oldest stereotypes out there: "all you people look the same.” It isn't until she accuses him of undercutting her and pledges to ruin him that he tells her he is not in fact Alonzo to which she retorts. "I'm going to make sure you die homeless." He certainly seems to be on this path.

Darius' day is equally bizarre and yet also totally conceivable. His storyline is so unique I can't help but marvel over where the inspiration came from. It seems safe to assume it must be rooted in someone’s real life experience. Perhaps a news story that was mostly overlooked? I digress, he paints a dog (which it seems worth noting that in addition to being quite the homemaker Darius is a talented artist and his room is full of these supplies). Darius rolls up his painting and goes to the shooting range where he uses his art for target practice. Harmless enough, right? Not quite, a collective panic ensues. A white man calls Darius “psycho for shooting a dog” and tells him he has to leave, to which Darius explains that “a human target is just as specific as shooting a dog.” Which just seems pretty accurate to me. A Mexican guy joins in the bickering, he points out to the white guy that he shoots at Mexican targets. Stating more truth spurs further anger and an uprising is vowed. Darius tries to explain that dogs in his ‘hood are “fucked up (not cuddly pets)” but the range’s manager interrupts the men’s arguing with a shot gun,

“I told you rules before you got here ain’t gunna let you start no shit” he leads out a very patient Darius.

This scene is so fucked up. Its rhetoric on arbitrary rules and categories is so important while remaining on brand with the show’s satirical edge. It magnifies the fact that the laws of a black man with a gun are so, so different than that of a white man with a gun takes a very different and slightly less sinister spin on the all too familiar police shooting unarmed black men storyline. We also get a close look at how Darius is observed and judged. A recurring theme of Atlanta is the simultaneous invisibility and hyper-visibility of the impoverished and minorities.

The episode ends with Black Bieber's aforementioned ”sincere" apology, explaining he's been trying to be too cool lately which has lead to hanging with the wrong crowd. He offers his new-found commitment to christ and uses autotune to premier his new song, Justice. In the back of the crowd, frustrated and over it Alfred returns to his day’s start and gives picking up the anchor another go. She returns with the lesson we’ve witnessed all of our protagonists scrambling to learn for the past 30 minutes” “let me give you some advice, play your part. People don’t want Justin to be asshole they want you to be asshole. You’re the rapper. That’s your job”

So, in sum this episode features….

Black man kicked out of shooting range

Black man mistaken for other black man

Black rapper unable to escape media’s perceptions of murderer in spite of being recognized as an “Atlanta Celebrity”.

All the while a rich white musician is able to chameleon himself into an infallible black superstar for a bit of extra street cred.

There is a lot to dissect here, but I’ll let an ethnic studies course can take it from here...

Episode 6, aptly titled Value is the first one to really feature Van's story and give women a voice. I was immediately interested to see if a woman took the reigns in the writer's room on this one because even the tone is so different.It didn’t take much digging to find this from Joshua Alston over at the A.V. Club.

“Glover started off strong before a single frame was shot by bringing in staff writer Stefani Robinson to assist on the script, the first to give a writing credit to someone whose last name isn’t Glover. It seems like a little thing, but it makes such a huge difference to know that someone with insights about how black women communicate contributed to an episode that mostly consists of black women communicating and miscommunicating.”

It feels easy to proclaim that the tone employed in Value lacks the humorist sensibilities applied to other episodes but I have to wonder if that’s an oversimplification. Perhaps I just found Van's story so horribly relatable (she seems to have the same dumb (re:bad) luck as myself and the series of unfortunate events which befall her here may just feel less satirical when you’ve felt the hardships yourself? Maybe a black man from the trap in Atlanta wouldn't find other episodes this season as funny as I did? Maybe I'm being sensitive? (Though that doesn't really sound like me to be honest). Or, maybe while very, very good this episode just wasn't meant to punch the gut in the same manner a jokey man-centric 30 minutes does. Maybe Glover isn’t ready to tackle female satire. I'm not sure and it seems like all these assumptions could get me in trouble so in the interest of not putting my foot in my mouth (or pulling a Van) I’ll move on....

This episode centers around the drama which ensues when Van's old friend comes into town. Actually, in this case (as is often true with childhood girlfriends) frenemy is a better term. This gal-pal plays companion to NBA players which subsequently allows her to lead a very posh lifestyle. She is baffled by Van's far more humble life and makes her judgements very clear by stating straight off the bat the following three rather insensitive points:

“Sometimes I wish I had a kid and then I'm like ew, no." (preach sista!)

“Back in the day you would have made fun of yourself for still fucking with Earn.”

and

“Black women have to be valuable. NBA players fuck with me because I provide a service. I am worth it. I am cultured, intelligent...."

the implications here are thick and seem to cut very deep.

Anyway, as a passive aggressive fight inevitably ensues Van's girl does eventually bribe her back into frenemy territory, insisting they make up over a joint. They hotbox the bitch’s fancy-ass car and at first seem to be reliving the good old days but as is apt to happen when you hang out with narcissists (particularly in our social media obsessed times) eventually Van finds herself being forced into snapping pic after pic of her social-climbing friend who is dead set on getting that absolute perfect insta-shot. I have zero patience for this behavior. Actually, every girl who has ever made the mistake of forcing me into this game has quickly fallen out of my good graces.

Ultimately, the mess that ensues for Van because she casually decided to hit a joint a few times with her disaster of an old friend is totally comparable to multiple series of my own disasters. Fortunately for both myself and Van (we’re similarly industrious and independent young women) we do manage to pick ourselves up by our bootstraps and move on. But, for a minute suspend your disbelief that I too could create this sort of disaster and let's discuss Van's mess:

She awakens the next morning to a cell phone reminder that today is “drug test day.” This of course prompts an insane rampage as she attempts to figure out where to get “clean urine.” When both Old Friend and Alfred fail her she realizes she has a whole garbage pail full of her baby's diapers. A true renaissance woman Van creates a complicated process to extract the pee and tapes a condom full of her daughter's urine to her own thigh. In a flowy dress she heads off to school (making it clear for the first time that she is an educator of some sort).

The storyline then takes a quick veer from the very normal baby-pee-condom situation prompted by a basketball “prostitute” to a fellow teacher who approaches Van. This woman is beyond frustrated with one of her student’s. A brief aside ensues regarding a black child who has come to school in white face to fuck with his teacher (who is so mad she begs Van to help her deal with him so she "doesn't get arrested for beating his ass,”). It is a sharp return to the previous episode’s discussion of cultural appropriation, reminding viewers how inescapable race wars are for Glover.

Van declines to help her friend, she is on a mission after all. But of course, things don’t quite go as planned. A bit of physical comic relief ensues when she can't untie the condom of pee. She tries to rip things apart with her teeth which of course results in pee spraying everywhere (except of course in the cup for urine sample).

Desperate Van just admits to the principal that she smoked weed.

This is definitely something I would do.

When you’re honest no-one can fault you, right?!

Wrong.

Dissapointed, the principal explains that the county can’t afford quarterly drug tests anyway so after the initial one required for hire the samples aren’t actually sent anywhere.

Of course.

She levels with Van, “everyone smokes weed. The system isn’t made for these kids to succeed and you gotta shake it off somehow. I get it. But unfortunately you’ve admitted your drug use to a government employee and now I have to fire you. To cover my own ass as well as the schools’”

She gives Van a hug and one weeks notice.

Defeated Van, an inexperienced druggie tries to get more weed from Alfred who tells her she's “sloppy as fuck.” Which after the day she has had is just truth.

The episode closes with the same kid still in white face smirking now in Van’s class.

Again, somehow the female battle of race and class explored in this episode feels more sad to me than the male saga we’ve seen play out thus far

The closing shot of the sinister child in white face and my own history is undoubtedly playing into my interpretation. I will admit here that I have two equally stupid stories of being fired for absolutely absurd things that make zero sense. Once for rolling a blunt by request for my boss. A swisher of marijuiana which I didn't smoke and only procured because he asked. Another time a 28 year old woman claimed I was sexually harassing her. In neither case was I truly guilty and yet somehow believed that an overcompensated apology could fix things with the higher-ups. At the end of the day though everyone is just interested in covering their own asses. Again, this probably could be presented far more satirically and at times I am able to give these stories a bitingly funny spin — but not with the regularity one might assume.I suppose what I’m getting at is I know what it's like to essentially be so inexperienced with getting in trouble that you can't tell when to just shut your goddamn mouth. I also think that this assumed guilt is such a female burden. It is a subsequent and frequently overlooked side effect of the ancient historical annals of sexism. Perhaps if we can learn anything from “mansplaining” it is to always just take the position that everyone else just doesn’t get it. But then also just keep our mouths shut.

Episode 7, B.A.N has got to be the most hilarious, perfect, wonderful episode of Glover's premier season (and pretty much of all television of all time). I feel fairly confident saying its everyone's favorite. B.A.N which stands for Black American Network is (simply put) a fictional television episode called Montague; a black spin on a Donahue-esque late night “news” show featuring Alfred as one of it’s guests. The "fake news" premise on this show delves into the complexities of identity in our touchy PC culture and is in its own right more than enough to ensure side gripping hilarity. However, it is the commercials interspersed throughout this episode that really cinch the deal.

But I’m getting ahead of myself.

The subject of the Montague episode, “how accepted sexuality is affecting black American Youth and Culture” features a panel made up exclusively of Paperboi and the head of “Trans Issues.” Ummmm..... really? I’m already laughing

Alfred is being called out by Montague and asked to explain a comment he made on twitter, quoted by our host as such: “y’all N words said I was weird for not wanting to F word Kaitlyn Jenner."

He is asked if this makes him transphobic? Alfred is complacent, admitting that while he gets what they're saying she (Jenner) just isn't "important to me".

The white trans expert explains Paperboi is coming from a culture of exclusion and power; the black community has issues with power and masculinity more than transphobia. She calls him out on the layer of fluidity in his raps to which he uses the same line he used in response to the challenges posed earlier by the racially ambiguous internet celebrity, Van: "I'm just trying to get paid." The ultimate premise of this show is, after all, escaping the trap life.

Cut to commercial break.

And here is the gold:

Commercial 1: Black guy in a bodega being up-charged for a can of Arizona Iced Tea. The tagline: Arizona: price is on the can.

Commercial 2: A masquerade party filled with fancy black people drinking Mickey's forty ounce bottles out of champagne flutes. Tagline? Mickey’s: You're drinking it wrong.

Yes! This appeals to all my senses. I remember when I was 19 and 40 ounces, Conan O’brien, Swisher Sweets, 7-11 sandwiches and a bit of homework were evening staples.

Now back to our regularly scheduled programming:

A Montague correspondent is reporting on scene regarding a “trans-racial” black teenager (I kid you not) who self-identifies as, yes, a 35 year old white man. Ummm..... I hope you’re laughing now too.

As a black teenage boy he had always wondered why he wasn't getting the respect he deserved, "then it hit me,” he tells the reporter, “I'm 35 and I'm white."

Obviously.

We cut to scenes of our trans-racial teenage adult pretending the projects are the suburbs of Colorado.

He explains his Mom just doesn't get it. Cut to her explaining, "I'd love to wake up and say I'm Rhianna but I 'aint"

Which as a white woman I’m going on brand with the appropriation I mentioned earlier and I just have to say: “preach sista!” If I get to come back as anyone in my next life I sure as fuck hope its Rhianna. Sometimes I ask myself what would Rhi Rhi do? and then I remember to just do me.

But I digress, our teen’s response to his mother’s dismissal is to explain that they don't "realize race is just a made up thing" and he doesn't believe in labels. Unwilling to accept this “reality” he is presently working on getting (yes) racial transition surgery while also stopping trying to convince others he's not "us". Ummm....

Rather than argue he tries to show his community he is not one of them by doing incredibly stand-up white male things like turning black guys into the cops.

This episode came out years before the recent onslaught of social media documenting black people having cops called on them for doing very questionable things like sleeping in their own dorms but I still challenge you not to be laughing hysterically by this point.

As great as this storyline is though, who can complain when it's time to return to commercials?

First up a commercial break for Swisher Sweets (looks like I too was a trans-racial teenager). In the commercial all the actors are emptying the guts of their swishers to enjoy in between filming sets. Duh.

Quickly though, I want to admit that I am not doing this insanely perfect 30 minutes of remarkability justice —please watch! In the meantime though I return to Montague’s panel….

Paperboi admits to the audience he is afraid of being persecuted by the audience and does not feel comfortable speaking his mind. Our female white expert accuses him of being unable to have intelligent dialogue without spewing profanity (proving his point, of course). Montague continues by asking Al if he hates trans people because of his lack of a father.

If your head is spinning and you’re feeling ready to throw down you aren’t alone but Alfred handles the insanity with unbelievable levels of eloquence. He explains, ”It is hard for me to care about this because no one cares about me as a black man. Kaitlyn Jenner is just doing what white men have done since the dawn of time which is whatever the hell they want. Why should I care?"

He goes on to question where the tolerance is for him?

And yes, this is the crux of it.

It is far easier to speak out against intolerance when you are privileged.

The white expert agrees with his point but as is talk show nature Montague keeps egging for the drama.

All getting a little too real? No worries, we have a commercial to lighten the emotions.

Or is it just more sad truth?

First up we have a commercial reminiscent of the 1-800-psychic infomercials of my youth. A perfect example of selling an ideal to the impoverished rather than a reality, and media assumingThe poor are an easy target as they are so desperate for a solution out of poverty they can easily be taken advantage of. Sadly, gullible.

Or maybe it is me that’s sad and I just don't believe in magic-- perhaps my cynicism is the problem?

A man (I believe the same guy from the bus in episode one) is offering us “the answers we deserve.” He goes on to talk about chakras and crystals and the power to make his customers rich.

"Call now and you get a free juice and Nutella sandwich" he proclaims.

And now I'm even more in love with this episode.

Cut to a Dodge Charger commercial concerning divorce settlements which is too complex to describe but also totally accurate and finally the episode’s piece de resistance -- a fully animated Coco Cruncherz commercial with a “black Trix bunny" being beaten up by a cop because he is trying to steal the kid's sugary morning treat (which is of course just for kids). As the kids plead with the cop to stop he argues that age old tag line Coco Cruncherz is for kids -- harking again back to my youth and Saturday morning cartoon days when the innocent commercials with a rabbit stealing breakfast was not nearly as menacing (or realistic).

And just like that with a seemingly sweet cartoon we have jumped the line from dangerously sinister satire to downright sadness. Nobody wants to see a cartoon cop beat the shit out of a black cartoon bunny especially in front of a bunch of cartoon kids.

And yet its still so funny and important.

Close commercials and we circle back to our black teen dressed like a white man. Alfred can't stop laughing at him "You look like Fellon Degeneres!"

But don’t feel sorry for this misunderstood teen to soon. When the trans expert welcomes him, the kid uses his new platform to spew his own stereotypes, explaining that marriage is meant for a man and woman and men can't turn into women. So while he believes in racial fluidity he is totally close-minded to gender fluidity.

Obviously.

This episode and how it speaks to acceptance of other cultures is fantastic but the commercials and the garbage peddled to lower classes and minorities specifically is crucial. If I was an American Studies High School teacher I think I could develop an entire semester’s worth of curriculum on these 20 minutes.

Episode eight, The Club features our motley crew at a club and clearly miserable about it. As a woman whose personal anthem is George Thorogood and the Destroyers I Drink Alone I couldn't possibly find this more relatable. The only reason why Alfred, Earn and Darius are even at the club in the first place is because Paperboi is being paid for the appearance.

Since I’ve already managed to drone on for close to 10,000 words and supplied an overwhelming amount of both series and personal anecdotes, for this episode briefing I’ll do my best to just take a moment or two for a quick review of a few standout moments and trust that you, dear reader, now have obtained a certain level of Sylvie’s Mind Mastery to elaborate on the now all too predictable consensus: this episode is just as fabulously funny, sad, complicated and littered with omnipresent issues of social status as the next.

And now in side-splitting surrealist summation:

Earn on the dance floor with subtitles for his thoughts: "somebody smells like Wendy's Double Stack.

Darius showing the crew instagrams of a famous guy in the ‘hood who has a very fancy invisible car. Noteworthy: I thought Darius was just gullible at first but I clearly underestimated Glover’s dedication to metaphor. If you’re still confused by media’s dark comedy, magical realism, social commentaries on race (a new and now thanks in large part to Glover a very dominant genre) don't worry so am I.

Earn gets drunk enough to feel powerful and demand the money owed from the owner for Alfred's appearance and subsequently vomits all over him (sounds about right).

Darius has trouble getting through security after he steps out momentarily to blaze. Rather than put up too much of a fight he goes home to eat cereal and play video games (I'm pretty sure we will get married in season 3).

Alfred and Earn go to beat up the club owner for trying to rip them off (by now vomit free). After the boys finally obtain what they are rightfully owed they leave the club, at last drunk enough to be in a decent mood. While laughing and talking about getting food they are startled by gun fire. People start to run but most of the crowd is maimed anyway as a man seated seemingly on nothing floats by (in an invisible car, clearly) and mows down the crowd.

This is so complex -- Donald Glover has completely lost me and yet I am obsessively curious. What does this mean? What does it say about our culture? Did he just think it was funny? Does the invisibility represent the utter bullshit of an expensive car? It must somehow tie back to status and violence but what is he saying exactly? I’m wary to even venture a guess.

Either way, The boys escape to Waffle House for a post mortem with Darius. The men are still drunk and laughing, moods still surprisingly upbeat though if you know anything about Southern Culture the very fact that this restaurant is still serving speaks volumes of the gravity (or lack thereof) of the violent incident. Things shift toward somber though as the local news streams through in the back ground. A story reporting the incident clearly lays suspected blame on Paperboi.

"Fuck the club," says Alfred.

Indeed.

Last year Juneteenth was finally brought into the average modern white person's rhetoric through a "holiday special" for the masses from the very funny (and carefully cultivated to expand mainstream America's mind) Blackish.

Atlanta's take on the holiday is of course slightly more subversive. Certainly due to its non-network and later time slot it is more carefree and able to cater less to the masses. Nonetheless, I am certain that Atlanta’s episode managed to bring a bit of awareness even if the show -- unlike Blackish -- made zero attempts to educate the ignorant on what Juneteenth is exactly. It doesn’t matter though, because well... Wikipedia... Glover is smart to assume that his audience is woke enough to use their pricey smartphones to look up whatever they don't already know. Maybe I should learn to employ a similar tactic.

Anyway, on Juneteenth Earn leisurely wakes and bakes in some random girls' bed. When his alarm goes off he is rushed into reality, panics and dashes out. Cut to him and Van in the car where she is very unimpressed that he is stoned which plays out in a passive aggressive fight over the automatic windows in her car. Although we don't know where they are going or why, it is made quite clear that this is an important outing for Van, and that Earn is complicity playing along basically because they have a child together.

They arrive at a fancy house, with a fancy valet and a fancy black woman named Monique answers the door. "happy Juneteenth," she proclaims and then proceeds to humble brag her home "we have so many bathrooms!”

Her white husband Craig makes a grand entrance also proclaiming "happy freedom day."

This is already a very strange party.

Earn retreats for drinks which he orders from a very condescending bartender in an African print bow tie.

"Emancipation Eggnog?" asks Earn "It's June!"

To which the Bartender replies "nigga do I have to explain alliteration to you?!"

Earn takes his beverage and wanders through the looming home finding the white husband, Craig’s office does nothing to alleviate the strangeness. The room is full of black art which Craig painted based on one of his favorite Malcolm X quotes. He explains to Earn that black musical artists are a product for white American consumption and appropriation. He pours them some Hennessy and is baffled that Earn hasn't been to Africa and also does not know where exactly he is from.

Just a side note all this has inspired my own bit of spinoff commercial satire: We all know by now that gene testing companies can provide a great deal of knowledge for White Europeans but usually lack the same insight into an African person’s roots and thusly all their televised advertising features a white person drinking whiskey in the Irish pub of their forefathers or celebrating an ancestors Viking victory. I think it’s high time someone (Preferably Glover and not me because I’m clearly far busier) wrote a commercial with a black person talking about the slave ship he learned his great great grandmother was shackle on etc etc.

Anyhow, Craig employs a specific style of appropriation (seemingly bred from his own white insecurity and guilt rather than ignorance or hate) to black shame the unassuming young man he has invited to drink in his home.

Earn retreats, whispering to Van that the party feels "very eyes wide shut." (Which I myself hadn't yet noticed but once brought to the periphery realize could not be more accurate). Frustrated that Earn hasn't embraced her thing she asks him to “just once pretend that they aren't who they are so he doesn't blow this opportunity” for her.

He responds by bringing on what I’d like to classify as his very best "douche" (I know , I know, this is not the PC term) in order to impress the "very cultural" uptight, wealthy black people this party is full of.

Van seems to be binge drinking which, as is apt to happen eventually leads to a retreat for a bit of an overwhelmed bathroom cry.

Afterward she winds up outside with Monique who finally starts to reveal actual elements of her own humanity. "You don't think I know how crazy my husband is? Treating black people like a hobby?" And there it is — the thing I have been grappling with as I’ve attempted to blog this season of Atlanta over the course of a three-plus month period. At the end of the day it is safe to assume that the best I can really do is just repeat their story and really I have no shot at successful analyzation. Craig’s overwhelming analyzation is enough.

Van asks Monique if she wishes she had someone to confide in to which Monique responds with this equally telling quote. "It is redundant to be both black and sorry in the world."

With nowhere else to go they return to the party to find Craig performing a poetry slam on Jim Crow in front of his black guests’ and this is when shit hits the fan....

The party’s crew of valets find Earn and attempt to give him their sister's underwear to pass on to Paperboi (I can't even begin to understand why a brother would agree to this for his sister and I refuse to believe my ignorance is cultural). The gesture may be gross but it is relevant to this story's evolution because they have outed Earn as Paperboi’s “manager.” Monique's husband increases the awkwardness by bringing up the shooting. Oddly if memory serves this is the first time since episode two that the series opening incident has been directly referenced. Or maybe it isn't weird at all, maybe the whole point of this surreal show is nothing can be taken seriously enough to carry over to the next episode. Isn’t that the rule of thumb for sitcoms anyhow? Needless to say for the time being the fact that Earn is somebody and not the nobody Monique had assumed seems to make her quite uncomfortable to which Earn responds with spite. Fed up by a full day of clear hypocrisy he proclaims the very real observation that “this is all wack, its not real life and they are all dumb.”

Van rather emotionless attempts to drag her partner away, making it clear she knew this all along.

“Stop stunning on me about culture,” Earn shouts. “I’m not going to go back to Africa to discover my roots cuz I’m fucking broke. Stop being so black-able!”

We cut to Earn driving home. He promises Van (with eyes closed next to him) to call Monique in the morning to apologize.

Van opens her eyes demands he pull over and when he does she climbs on top of her man and starts banging him right there in the drivers' seat. In spite of it all they are young, have a baby and I think most importantly she is more attracted to his authenticity than the party's grandeur and faux behavior. The screen zooms out on the lovers in the middle of nowhere with the haunting lyrics of Chain Gang from Sam Cook and nothing seems so well earned and genuine than the freedom these two young black humans have to express their complicated love outdoors in Atlanta in June. Or maybe I'm just being romantic. So far as I know no one is actually allowed to have sex in their cars outside of their own garage.

The season finale like many episodes starts with Earn waking up in someone else’s home. While this is a recurring start I somehow missed the trend until now. Perhaps that is attributable to the fact that our finale stresses the relevance of Earn’s homelessness. In this scene he is uncomfortably situated in a bean bag chair and being chastised for fucking up whomever's house he has crashed at.

“Where's my jacket?" Earn manages to ask a few times but the homeowner is too distracted with the destruction Earn has caused. So Earn leaves and calls Alfred who also has no idea where the jacket is. This is clearly a bummer for Earn but great news on my end. The missing clothing means we have some 20 odd minutes ahead to enjoy Earn retracing the steps of a wasted night. This is a plot premise I have adored ever since Ashton Kutcher spoke to my very sensible 17-year-old- stoner- humor in Dude Where's My Car. I haven't watched the film in years and I know it gets a bad rap but I'd be hard pressed to believe that it doesn't stand the test of time. Since this is Atlanta though the surrealism is even more omnipresent than similar story arcs.

As Earn travels through his home-town (True to its name Atlanta has remained one of the most crucial characters throughout the season) he notices that everyone is dressed as cows. He asks a stranger why the costumes "Free chicken sandwich day nigga,” he’s told

Duh.

So Earn gets his sandwich and in true Dude form heads to the strip club to see if his jacket might be there. Maybe Glover was also a fan of this fine film— we are the same age after all.

A wonderfully awkward and funny scene ensues where Earn tries to describe one stripper who might have his jacket to another stripper.

Largely unsuccessful (how does one describe one generic stripper to another?) the girl is more preoccupied anyhow, her focus being on getting herself cast in a Paperboi video.

Defeated, he defers to last night’s snapchat stories to recall where he went next. Had this technology existed 15 years ago maybe the Dudes also could have found their cars in 27 minutes.

Frustrated by his snaps, Earn instead goes to chastise Alfred for his inappropriate "stories" but Al explains social media is important work. "Rappers make money on appearances" to which Earn reaffirms it is a bad idea.

Darius chimes in "That's black people's number one problem, they don't know how to have fun."

"I don't think that's our number one problem," Earn says to which I laugh out loud.

And then I laugh again just reading my notes on this episode. And then again during editing. I am proud of Earn for this comment. For the most part he tends to be slower than his buddies when it comes to off the cuff quips.

In a stalemate, Earn defers to ridesharing apps. And even though I'm pretty sure Uber does not actually work this way Alfred is able to call last night's car to try to locate Earn's jacket. Yes, this affirms it, late 90's technology or the lack there of is the only thing that made Dude realistic (to which of course I understand it still wasn't at all but... y'know....).

Alfred agrees to pay the 50 dollars the Uber driver demands for the chore but is annoyed that he is back to bailing out his cousin. They sit in the car stoned and discuss Jamaican food in a relatable way that will make any stoner smile.

Then something big finally happens for Alfred. Something that could carry over to season 2 or slide into another dream like fantasy never to be mentioned again (both viable options given the strikingly realistic and terribly fantastical world Atlanta has created). Earn gets a call from a famous rapper, Senator K, requesting Paperboi open for his upcoming tour

But before they can get too excited Alfred says "something here is off" and tries to bail. Just then an undercover van pulls the group over.

The group of black men are then patted down for seemingly no reason and asked if they are tring to purchase illegal things from the driver.

Just a jacket they claim.

A small chase scene ensues and the Uber driver is shot down.

And now there is a dead man wearing Earn's jacket.

Earn looks devastated he tells the cops he left something “in there. Can they check the pockets?”

No dice.

So Alfred tries to cheer him up, gives him a roll of cash -- his 5% on the tour deal, affirms that Earn finally “did good.”

But Earn just awkwardly walks away, defaulting to his defeated little kid look in his short shorts and his backpack. He Stops briefly to dump a rock out of his shoe and then goes to Van's and cooks a family dinner. It is a brief sweet moment, interrupted by a friend stopping by to drop off Earn's key. "I've been looking for this all day." he tells him. The proverbial “car” has been retrieved.

Finally at ease Earn and Van retreat to the couch where he gives her the roll of cash. He really does want to support her. There is another sweet moment as the two lie on the couch laughing at how bad of a drug dealer he would be and she asks him to stay but again like a kid he and his back pack leave.

There is something sweet and promising here. A rarity in this funny but often self-defeating show.

Rather than use his friends and family Earn steps out— finally on his own for the night.

He goes to a storage unit and opens it with the key he spent the day looking for. We finally see that Earn is not entirely without a home. This lonely unit with a couch is what he has and clearly why he is consistently waking in other people's spaces. He takes off his shoe, and we realize he wasn't dumping a rock at all but using his sneaker as a bank. No matter, weather shaking out a pebble or stocking cash taking his shoe off in the street earlier must have been Earn’s first sense of relief this season.

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