#I AM BEING SO NICE TO MYSELF PROMISE
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Idk how he would actually react to this, it’s been so long since I played the game
[Komamiki week day 3: Cafe]
#IM SO BEHIND BUT IM BEING NICE TO MYSELF BECAUSE IM ALSO DOING ARTFIGHT#I AM BEING SO NICE TO MYSELF PROMISE#art#my art#cartoon#anime#danganronpa#komamiki week 2024#komamiki#komaeda nagito#nagito komaeda#tsumiki mikan#mikan tsumiki#coffee shop au
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"See you tomorrow"
MDZS Disco Elysium AU part 4 [prev parts]
#better drawn mdzs#MDZS Disco Elysium AU#mdzs au#Lan wangji#wei wuxian#yiling laozu#Happy Belated Halloween!#digital art#Thank you all for your patience as I drove myself into a madness only known by those lost at seas alone.#I put a lot of time into this one! It's not perfect but I am very happy with it + I am so happy to put down the tablet pen.#Digital art has some nice features but I'm sticking with traditional! I need a month to recover from the 2+ weeks of torture.#Okay lets talk about the AU and the comic now#Disco elysium has some of the best existential-horror-dream sequences I have ever seen.#The dialogue here is heavily inspired by The Final Dream - A scene I'd love to talk about more were it not so heavy with spoilers.#My AU is a lot more complex than a simple character swap but I really felt like LWJ + YLLZ fit this scene.#The final dream is about being unable to move on from a lost love. From something You made holy. From something You ruined.#It is about realizing that no matter how smart you are or what you offer or how you try to change -#You will never be able to turn back time. You will never ever be able to fix what is broken. That you also have been broken for a long time#You are a fuck-up who worships the nail covered ground of someone who did not want to be holy. And even though it hurts-#You cannot let this nightmare go. The pain keeps the love close. It is worse to forget. You promised to remember.#WWX died thinking LWJ disliked him. LWJ lost someone he thought was revolted by his love.
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yeah make the disabled girl do unpaid manual labour for you outside in the cold when shes been awake for 20 hours whats the worst that could happen haha
#i dont talk about my living situation much because why would i#but out of guilt for existing in a place without paying money im forced to accept whatever is asked of me#for someone whos supposed to love me unconditionally that fucker sure does force me to act against my best interests#just at a fucking whim because “the garden doesnt look nice like this”#bitch knows i had to quit my job due to physical burnout and the fact that i havent recovered in the last 8 months is very concerning#AND YET that doesnt stop anything. im still assumed to be physically capable of fucking digging dirt to fill a hole#at ten in the fucking morning#3 degrees (about 38 fahrenheit) outside the ground was fkn solid#like i bought a fucking cane because i struggle with mobility#and you already know ive probably done myself in pretty bad because i feel too fucking guilty living here 'without paying rent'#i cover my own food bills and always end up giving money im trying to save because bills need paying#my self worth is through the fucking floor as it is#im just so so scared of being a burden to those around me that i actively harm myself bending over backwards for people who wont love me#god some of you followed me for my hornyposting im so sorry u have to read this shit#for those of u that care about me im literally crying rn even just thinking abt the knowledge that there r people out there who care#especially yall who care enough to support me#i promise your money isnt being handed out needlessly to my pseudo-abusive parent. i am trying my best to save the money im given#at least that which isnt spent on feeding myself#thank you all for supporting me#and sorry for being such a fucking trainwreck im just so overwhelmed and hurting and ugh#:(
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if we're going to be so real. the source of 90% of my problems is that i get horrifically jealous and I have bpd. but the cool thing is i can also invent reasons to stay upset even if it's only one person upsetting me and he hasn't even interacted with me in a way that would be valid for me to get upset at because i come up with problems that feel worse than they are in reality and in response I stay up until 3am and start spiraling
#because i start trying to explain what's wrong and then typing it out read it back and go#''that's stupid. why am i mad at that'' but the thing is#i AM mad at that and it feels like my life is about to end because of it#a really nice feature of this disorder is i can't maintain memory of emotions#so if something feels bad#my entire life has felt that way.#if im happy ive never been upset in my life#if im angry then i cant understand why i would have ever forgiven anyone#if im in a depressed episode then i can't imagine things ever getting better#which doesn't sound like a big deal i guess but it's caused suicide attempts because i feel like i can never escape the current emotion im#experiencing in that moment#<- mw trying to convince myself im not justified in being as upset as i am but#im afraid it may actually be as bad as i think it is. clasps hands. but whatever#this situation im in currently in my social life is so fucking ass and i just am at a complete loss for what to do and when to stop#and also sorry. this is not about anyone who can read this i promise. i get hyperbolic when i say stuff like#''nobody cares'' bc i know that cant be true
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Freyja voice I'm So Sorry you had a Traumatic Childhood and it made you Stupid On-Line.
#I HIT TAG LIMIT ON THAT. FUCK‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️#can somebody tell me it's gonna be okay.#or at very least say hey milo. that sounds insane. and not normal. but validating style.#idk it was normal. for me. for. a long time. question for the chat is it normal#for your mom to say shit like 'your brother is a lady killer a very handsome young man' and like.#phrased in such a way where it's like. the tone is exasperated but also like ? am i? supposed to be agreeing w this?#i mean objectively conventionally he has blue eys and nice hair. i can see why so many girls did like him.#but like man i don't know i haven't really seen the guy since he got sent to juvee. so. who's to say.#top ten things i promised i would never overshare online bc i felt it would be far too damning.#like. for real. i promised myself i'd never talk about my break up (i did. in a bout of moe lore dumping.)#and i promised myself i would never give any details about my brother.#and well.#i don't know am i going to be killed. or worse. pitied.#like like further context that was a car ride conversation when i was like. probably around 15.#and the bit right after is like. me being 15 about it.#man. am i gonna get shot and killed. be honest.
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so my general paranoia has always been pretty bad (hi ocd) but I thought it was more manageable the past few years as I've matured and gotten better at catching myself before I spiral, but recently (as in the past three weeks or so) it's been so bad that I do things impulsively as I'm spiralling without even realising it and it's been negatively affecting the way I perceive how friends think of me which I do NOT want to start happening again because that sucked. Idk why it's happening but I'd be grateful for any advice idrk what else to say about it.
#But anyways if you catch me acting really strange (more than usual)#or saying/doing things that seem overly docile or apologetic it's just another spiral don't worry about it#I genuinely don't know why it's gotten so much worse like I didn't change my meds I didn't change my diet I didn't change my habits#nothing crazy happened#I just have no idea#forcing myself to be vulnerable to my friends because I need help and it's about time I let people know that#affirmations certainly help but I feel so so bad asking for them like 'ohh I'm just fishing for compliments' or 'ohh I need someone to say#smthn nice every 6 seconds or I die' or 'ohhh I'm being so dramatic wahh' you know how it is#I at first thought it was just one or two occasions but no it's happened repeatedly consistently with ALL of my friends#and even coworkers and professors#I need to get out of my head I apologise to everyone who's ever had to deal with me spiralling#I promise I don't say the shit I do because I want you to feel bad for me I just genuinely in the moment am thinking that way#I know it's bad and after it's over I feel awful about it but idk what to do
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My coworker trying to set me up with any man that comes in is absolutely hilarious.
Was the technician cute? Yeah kinda. But he also turned out to have a wife and a 19 year old child so my initial “ah he’s a technician and therefore and expert and therefore probably way too old for me” was absolutely correct.
Also one of our coworkers but while he’s cute he smokes which is an instant dealbreaker. Like if I come in when he’s smoking I have to hold my breath through my mask it’s so fucking bad. (This goes for everyone that smokes outside the entry door but. Anyway)
#she’s. yeah. I’m not bringing up that I’m queer. she’d probably be ok bc she knows a coworker has a boyfriend but. I don’t want to.#shatters’ fragments#shatters’ nonexistent love life#and again. I’m not going to try to build a life with you if I don’t generally feel safe with you#and most people don’t wear masks anymore#so I’d never really feel safe with them#and this is kinda huge for like. boundaries I enforce and revelations#bc I’d rather be lonely than six feet under now#whereas before if you promised to say you love me I’d let you do anything to me#which. I know. is Bad#and it’s all still hypothetical bc I haven’t fucking dated anyone#and still flip flop on if I even want to (the yearning says yes. the mind says uh. no wtf not right now at the very least)#bc the physical touch I yearn for is. again. literally. a cuddly cat would be perfect fuck people I don’t need them.#and if it’s sex (which I am also unsure I want bc texturally it��s a nightmare for me) I have toys#like yeah maybe my bar is on the floor ‘wears a mask and is nice’#but also my willingness to use some Time that I could be doing literally anything else (art/friends/etc) to be now put aside for a romance??#UNSURE#sure it would be easier if someone else finds someone for me. but do I even want that?#(visions of being snug in the middle both being spooned and spooning another dance in my head.)#(but toss a heat bag over my waist and nestle myself between two giant stuffies and it’s close enough on my twin bed anyway)#hmm. could always say If You Want Any Chance At Grandkids You Have To Pay For My Therapy but. hmmm (I’m still owed therapy bc I said so)#(they took it as a joke when I said if they went with that option they’d owe me therapy for it though)#bc fuck bodily autonomy of children amiright 😭#I used to have crushes that I would TRY so hard for. but currently I just? don’t. well.#maybe that one couple that has come to both my workplaces as customers were nice THEYRE CUTE and they wear masks. for them I’d try probably#but there’s literally no reason to assume they’d ever want me. or that they’re polyamorous. or that they’re open. or anything.#but I very much enjoy seeing them around town every time I do :)#I always prefer to be enamoured with characters instead. it’s safe bc it’s not real. (I don’t want to examine that rn)#I’ll probably turn right around and change my mind and have a crush on my Sailing Guy again next time I see him but. alas. he’s wonderful#idk idk. I should. I should get up and have food
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i am always really grateful to get comments and feedback on my fics, but you don’t need to insult other peoples’ work in order to be nice about mine. it’s not even a compliment to me, really. you could’ve just talked about what you like about my writing rather than the fact that you dislike someone else’s. if you haven’t managed to find any fics in a fandom that are for you, i’d be more than happy to give you some recommendations of my own. the natm fandom is one of the most creative fandoms i’ve ever been a part of and even i, someone who barely reads fanfiction and is extremely picky about the tropes i want to read, have managed to find a tonne of fics that i absolutely adore. if it wasn’t for those fics i wouldn’t be writing my own. you can be picky about what you read, like i am. but it doesn’t mean that every fic you aren’t interested in reading is bad, and it doesn’t mean that only the fics you enjoy are good. i do agree that putting your work on the internet and in the public eye is inevitably and inherently opening yourself up to the possibility of criticism or negative feedback, but personally i think that fanfiction isn’t exactly the same as a published novel. we are writing this for free, and providing it for free, with no guarantee that we’ll get any traction or appreciation for it at all. if you don’t like a fic purely because you just didn’t like it and you don’t have anything helpful or productive to offer, it’s generally better and kinder to keep that to yourself. just be nice <3
#to clarify: this person wasn’t insulting a specific fic writer or fic#it was just a general statement about the fics in this fandom#this is absolutely NOT me calling out or getting mad at the person who left the comment because like#there is every chance they didn’t mean it like that !! maybe i misinterpreted it#do NOT be rude or mean to the person i’m talking about on here or on ao3 please and thanks#that’s not what this is about#i’m just saying it’s good to be mindful of how you talk about other peoples’ fics and stuff#just be nice. you like what you like and that’s ok but you can be kind about it at the same time#i am so grateful that you read and enjoyed my fic !! but i promise there are other fics for you out there too#i don’t believe in ranking or comparing fics myself but#if im being honest there are a million fics in this fandom and half of them are way better than mine#and like i said. if it weren’t for those wonderful and beautifully written fics i wouldn’t have started writing my own
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#hello everyone how are you?#I hope everything is doing alright! from my part I can say life is treating me well lately#and I feel very light and okay#I am here mainly to get things straight#I saw an anon going around some other blogs talking about me#saying I am an hater and I shouldn’t be writing larry fics#I think this is the same anon that I blocked some weeks ago#because they told me I should not use Harry for clout (????)#and I want to say only one thing because I don’t care of defending myself on this website anymore and that is#it’s not clout and it’s not easy#being a (new) writer here is not easy because people don’t care what you do and there is definitely not clout around me#im not using harry to gain anything#if anything I am constantly questioning whether I am somehow good at writing silly stories and putting myself out there for people’s judg#*judgement. and I promise you it’s not always nice#especially when this place doesn’t like people who you don’t always agree with#especially when you are blocked by half of this side of fandom (larries because I had said something in the past that they didn’t like)#louies because im a larrie ergo I hate louis (???) and harries because i dont care about Harry as much as they do#so no I am not ashamed of writing and I am not ashamed of writing giving my characters#(that rarely have anything to do with H/L irl) thei#their names and physical features#and honestly people like you anon should definitely stop to play this stupid game of fandom police#deciding who can read what and who can write what#because this actions only affect new writers in the way that#they will be alienated. they will feel alienated#and this whatever this fandom is shouldn’t be about that#ever. you don’t know what people go through every fucking day#you definetely dont know how this sort of silencing mission you have going on#will affect people on the internet and their mental health#stop defending the imaginary people you think H/L are and start treating people in this fandom as actual human beings#and since you probably would like to know this: I am not currently working on any project because i am fucking scared of reaction like this
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You know what? I love my body actually. Fuck everyone that ever made me believe that the best i could ever get to was maybe tolerate it.
#love my hair despite being bullied for it and being told to straighten it countless times#i love my scars despite being told that i should be ashamed of them they tell my story even when i can't#i love my body hair despite being told that it was shameful too since the very moment i started growing it (fuck that bitch in particular)#i love my thighs and my tummy and i love my weight now that i allow myself to eat until I'm full#i love my nose nd i think my nose bump is actually it's best feature#i love my smile even if it's a little crooked bc that's what makes it unique#and i love my flat chest bc turns out I have that transmasc swag HELL YEAH Jandjdns#some bitches wasted their time trying to make me feel bad about that one bc it is a blessing for me#'you don't have any boobs' 🥹🥹🥹 promise?#and it's not technically my body but i've been wearing them 24/7 since i was 2 yo so i feel like i get a pass for this one anyways →#i fucking love my glasses they are nice and they make me look nerdy which is GOOD bc I AM a nerd#and I'm studying nerd shit and the nerd building with a bunch of other nerds#curly hair and glasses are hot af actually... change my mind
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im happy to see an uptick of posts going around about bipoc selfshippers but it's making me have to once again attempt to mentally sort out if i fall under that label or not as a white-passing Métis person ;-;
if u notice that I'm not rbing any posts about that topic, it's because I'm still trying to sort out if I should be rbing those as a white person or as an indigenous Métis person fjfkdldl
#being mixed is weird idk fjfkdl this is confusing and my moral ocd doesnt play nice with it#it also doesnt help that my family hasnt engaged much w the culture until recently! before that it was just school events for indigenous ppl#that i was usually too scared to attend bc i was a very anxious kid and felt like i looked too white to attend djfjdkl#anyways fjfksl i promise im not ignoring any posts!! im just trying to figure out where i fit into it all#i dont want to be like... overstepping ever fjfjdkl i am trying to figure out how to engage w it before rbing anything#its a little funny to be struggling w this as a metis person bc djdkdl this is like... historically what we've struggled with as a ppl LMAO#we were often too white for the first nations ppl and always too indigenous for the white ppl fjfkdl so we made our own culture#so its just funny that im finding myself unsure and struggling w this question Yet Again SJDKSL historically and culturally accurate djfdkl#dandyshucks
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Hgod, okay, I'm a lot more emotional (/neg) rn than I'd like to be so I'm gonna need to ask everyone for a small favor rn (like. Very small favor)
Please be nice to me and my f/o's for the time being. Which, sounds super silly- I know, but I'd really super appreciate it for the time being rn
#time being means until my period blows over bc it is making me a lot more moody and emotional than I'd like to be#which means I'm not rlly thinking too rationally and may take some words/jokes to heart than intended#I really didn't wanna resort to asking this from y'all I'm so so sorry hdjshdj#but I'm already noticing that I'm getting more frustrated at small things and need to just. distance myself#which might be a better idea but also a simple thing like this probably shouldn't deter me from interacting overall#AUGH I don't know. like I said. I'm not feeling too good or thinking straight atm so I'm really sorry#also. the reason why I said to be nice to my f/o's also is bc I'm finding a lot more comfort in them than I'd like to admit rn#so jokes/insults towards them may... kinda set me off than my usual reactions (which sucks but I'm trying to manage I promise)#I don't know if this is a good idea honestly. am I being a little too sensitive rn? I definitely am honestly#but I don't really wanna end up isolating myself since I also wanna just continue on my day still like nothing's wrong#I'M SORRY I'M HDNSNFHDJSHSJDHJ OTL OTL OTL#once my period is over I'll definitely go back to joking around and taking jokes at face value. but for now I am. an emotional wreck#🌸 lin speaks!!#tw menstruation#tw period#tw slight vent#tw vent#< jic
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Hope I are doing alright! Rest all you need, take your time
thank you and likewise!! i'm getting through it, logging off when i need to, putting my energy where it needs to be. But i still enjoy being here and reblogging and posting when i can
#answers#my life has always been so chaotic that i promised myself very early on that art/ online projects would only be a hobby#and ive been very firm with myself about that. my fics and drawings and stuff are fun!! but i never feel bad about logging off#or taking time away. this is not a job etc etc. im here for funsies :)#that way i dont get bunt out or end up hating what i used to love bc of a sense of obligation#that being said i really am touched by people sending nice things <3 not understating that AT ALL
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I just think that the main barrier to being good at a lot of different things isn't about that you couldn't be good at it, it's about time, and it's about affording equipment and materials
It's gonna be a lot harder to find the time for even one hobby if you're working full time, and make no mistake, there's a real problem of getting what you need to actually work on stuff
#that's why if I ever did make videos about carving; I think I'd try to stick to just my knife and my gouge; cause that's 90% of what I use#one carving knife and a medium sized flat gouge will do a lot for you; I like my skew and such; but those two are what I need#I even have a feeling you could get by with an exacto (not nearly as good; but the point would be budget)#not sure what you'd use for the gouge#but if I did do videos I might look into it; would be kind of nice to be able to say 'it's not what I'd do; but he's a broke technique'#like... part of why I would only want to put out free stuff and no like... paid courses (which are fine)#is cause I'm used to being broke; that's who I want to help out; the poor fools like me#cause even people I like with woodworking on youtube who are about doing it on a budget... they still say to drop a fair bit of mint on it#and that's more for furniture making; but... love to do that some day too#and you know how I talk about stuff you know making it easier to do other stuff; there's a lot I think I could tackle with my knife#like... I'd like to once again kind of challenge myself if I did get into that#like what can I make with a dirt cheap saw; an exacto; and whatever I find for a gouge#how cheap can I make this to do?#And can I make it something they can do even if they don't have space?#like can I make it so they could do it over carpet if need be so long as they vacuum?#how unideal can I make things and still have it work? cause I think a lot of us are in very unideal circumstances#and to an extent who I most want to teach are the people who are like I was; in many ways still am#no really money making skills; trouble working for whatever reason; just kind of screwed#and I want to be able to say 'I can't promise you this'll work; but I've made it simple enough maybe you can try it'#'and I'm not saying you'll make money; but at least it's something; and at least it might be fun'#like... I can't recommend woodburing; that kit cost at least $100; think more like $200#that's not cash people have just lying around#I get that even asking to spend like... $5 on a saw; $5 on a blade; $5 on a gouge; and $5 on wood... even if I got it that cheap#I get that sometimes $20 is a big ask#I want to be able to say 'I'm not telling you it'll be your masterpiece; or you might not want to upgrade some of this stuff'#'but here's how you can go to some damn mega corp hardware store and come out with enough stuff to do this with little cash'#hard enough to get started on stuff; I want to lower the barrier to entry to as close to zero as I can#course... that means me getting more of my shit together; mean me building furniture and stuff#can carve at this point of course; though haven't in some time cause gotta get that commission out#not saying I make amazing stuff either; or that I know if I can teach at all
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I'm ngl was scared of going to one of my jobs bc i have certain trains of thought that get triggered in familiar places where i had those thoughts before especially when my mind wanders which is especially hard to control when idle/doing menial tasks and I'm not allowed to have music/ electronics so i can't distract myself easily. but work was so good today holy shit. my coworkers seemed happy to see me! i met someone really cool with similar music taste! we yapped for an hour! she told me to visit her in the future! i had a really busy and filled schedule! i get to play with kids! I get to help people! life is good!
#kk rambles#there are some thoughts that suck me into a hole so i just try to not go near them#and that's why it's been so nice to have someone at my doorstep almost every weekend lol#i went thrifting last week w my friend! I'm going to see a gallery this weekend! i have plans to go skating w my friends soon!#my friend has plans to go to a board game cafe w me! one of my friends is trying to get me to go to a con soon!#my friend told me she dreamed of cooking with me and saving my ass from a basketball lmao#i gave my neighbours baked goods and they told me i was welcome over anytime!#i keep imagining myself as a hikkikomori but maybe i also kinda am a 现充? am i making the most out of it? maybe?#the part where Kita was like oh i wanted to invite bocchi but i had plans every week... starting to realize that's... maybe... me..?#i had promised to meet up w a friend but it's been months and i still haven't put it on schedule yet bc life is so busy 😭#i am a ryo/bocchi at heart where I'm ok w being alone/sometimes i think nobody knows me but my masking skills are Kita level#everyone I've gone out with one on one wants to see me again! so there's probably something likeable about me!#I'm ngl being discarded really does shit to your mentality like even when I'm very aware sometimes i realize afterwards#what I'm like is not defined by how others treat me is what i try to tell myself#especially when the majority of people in my life treat me with care and respect and love! people like me!#i just get stuck on the small cases where things don't turn out well but. data analysis wise. we would call those outliers and discard them.#unfortunately the brain is not a computer and as heavily i lean into t vs f i still do feel emotions : D#but it's nice to be able to feel joy and appreciation and to feel really loved by my friends
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i came on here originally to say i was lonely and my head hurt but then some posts made me laugh so i’m reblogging them despite them being like the last thing i posted.
but such is life.
#my blue kazoo space puzzle is missing two pieces :/#and I’m on my period so looking at those old posts is hard but they’re also so far away like i started dating again already#and it got up there in number of dates but as it kept going it made me think more and more of Joey and that wasn’t fun#but i already have another guy lined up so that’s good i guess#but yea also being on my period doesn’t help#and just an update with work cuz no one asked for it#being split between two buildings is annoying#but anyways i dropped off James today cuz shavuos is this week#and tomorrow will be the second week I’ll be learning derech Hashem with Jeffrey so that’s nice#and i think Tamar will be at Hindy’s so maybe we’ll set up some actual chavrusa#but anyways i feel v distant from Gd like He’s not in my thoughts#but the challah bake was so nice yesterday and really gave me a good dose of just like Living For Hashem#though it’s faded by now but idk hopefully things just go well in life for a while#cuz things are just passing by and I’m spending days in a daze wasting them with screen time and not being productive but also trying#to be kind to myself because i /am/ on my period and this is all period talk and pain so#anyways#half promises half forgotten#and being almost 30 and all that#rant#there’s no real point to this post#just kind of catching up the last two months#i should shower and go to bed but idk if I’m gonna shower since Monday’s the only work day this week and James isn’t here so i can#stay up late but also i have no food#:/#well gn then#have some more funny posts maybe
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