#I AM BEING SO NICE TO MYSELF PROMISE
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Idk how he would actually react to this, it’s been so long since I played the game
[Komamiki week day 3: Cafe]
#IM SO BEHIND BUT IM BEING NICE TO MYSELF BECAUSE IM ALSO DOING ARTFIGHT#I AM BEING SO NICE TO MYSELF PROMISE#art#my art#cartoon#anime#danganronpa#komamiki week 2024#komamiki#komaeda nagito#nagito komaeda#tsumiki mikan#mikan tsumiki#coffee shop au
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"See you tomorrow"
MDZS Disco Elysium AU part 4 [prev parts]
#better drawn mdzs#MDZS Disco Elysium AU#mdzs au#Lan wangji#wei wuxian#yiling laozu#Happy Belated Halloween!#digital art#Thank you all for your patience as I drove myself into a madness only known by those lost at seas alone.#I put a lot of time into this one! It's not perfect but I am very happy with it + I am so happy to put down the tablet pen.#Digital art has some nice features but I'm sticking with traditional! I need a month to recover from the 2+ weeks of torture.#Okay lets talk about the AU and the comic now#Disco elysium has some of the best existential-horror-dream sequences I have ever seen.#The dialogue here is heavily inspired by The Final Dream - A scene I'd love to talk about more were it not so heavy with spoilers.#My AU is a lot more complex than a simple character swap but I really felt like LWJ + YLLZ fit this scene.#The final dream is about being unable to move on from a lost love. From something You made holy. From something You ruined.#It is about realizing that no matter how smart you are or what you offer or how you try to change -#You will never be able to turn back time. You will never ever be able to fix what is broken. That you also have been broken for a long time#You are a fuck-up who worships the nail covered ground of someone who did not want to be holy. And even though it hurts-#You cannot let this nightmare go. The pain keeps the love close. It is worse to forget. You promised to remember.#WWX died thinking LWJ disliked him. LWJ lost someone he thought was revolted by his love.
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so my general paranoia has always been pretty bad (hi ocd) but I thought it was more manageable the past few years as I've matured and gotten better at catching myself before I spiral, but recently (as in the past three weeks or so) it's been so bad that I do things impulsively as I'm spiralling without even realising it and it's been negatively affecting the way I perceive how friends think of me which I do NOT want to start happening again because that sucked. Idk why it's happening but I'd be grateful for any advice idrk what else to say about it.
#But anyways if you catch me acting really strange (more than usual)#or saying/doing things that seem overly docile or apologetic it's just another spiral don't worry about it#I genuinely don't know why it's gotten so much worse like I didn't change my meds I didn't change my diet I didn't change my habits#nothing crazy happened#I just have no idea#forcing myself to be vulnerable to my friends because I need help and it's about time I let people know that#affirmations certainly help but I feel so so bad asking for them like 'ohh I'm just fishing for compliments' or 'ohh I need someone to say#smthn nice every 6 seconds or I die' or 'ohhh I'm being so dramatic wahh' you know how it is#I at first thought it was just one or two occasions but no it's happened repeatedly consistently with ALL of my friends#and even coworkers and professors#I need to get out of my head I apologise to everyone who's ever had to deal with me spiralling#I promise I don't say the shit I do because I want you to feel bad for me I just genuinely in the moment am thinking that way#I know it's bad and after it's over I feel awful about it but idk what to do
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vent incoming:
got my grades back for my courses last semester and most of it was to be expected, mostly A's, maybe an A-, etc. but i honestly can't get over the fact that my independent study (the buddy cole documentary) was for some reason given a B. like sure getting a B isn't bad per se, I usually get at least one B every semester and i honestly don't really care about what my exact gpa is as long as i can graduate, but come on. this school put me through months of psychological torment over this project and didn't even have the nerve to give me a B+??? i'm still coping with the self-doubt they forced on me and this bullshit is not helping!!
#honestly it's kind of hilarious ngl. especially bc i also got my documentary work counted as an independent study the previous semester#and the previous semester even tho i barely worked on the doc itself#(mostly just planning and putting together the crowdfunding which was still a lot of work but like compare it to the past few months)#they were willing to give me an A (my school doesn't do A+ so this is the highest mark possible)#vs this semester. like i'll admit my final assignment was late and could have been more polished#but i was literally on tour in documentary-mode 24/7 for several weeks. i filmed an entire comedy special! i put together a live interview!#not to mention having to fucking negotiate with my own college censoring the footage they'd promised me of an event i put together#and play nice with a professor who literally outed me on twitter in an attempt to cancel one of my best friends#at this point the ''B'' feels more like a petty grudge than anything else#like ok we can't get away with *actually* fucking over jessamine's grades bc clearly ze did do the work. but let's just give zir a B#like i will admit the audio quality in my final isn't great. and i could have used more polished footage in some sections#but counterpoint: 100+ students were arrested at a protest while i was editing and i was having a mental breakdown#the fact that i finished *anything* is goddamn impressive especially after they essentially conditioned me to hate myself any time i was#working on a project i loved!!!#due to the aforementioned student arrests my college did put out an option where we could change any letter grade this semester to pass/fai#so anything passing wouldn't impact our gpa if we didn't want it to. so i could just change the B to a ''pass''#but really what's the point. ''B'' is still a good grade and my GPA is fine (3.65 on a 4.0 grading scale. 2.0 is required to graduate)#it just sucks that after what i went through last semester i feel like nobody takes it seriously#i was reminiscing earlier about how it's honestly kind of funny how after that professor outed me on twitter#i was at the hotel with scott like an hour later sobbing and having an existential crisis about my relationship to gender#and scott was so supportive but also awkwardly being like#''i know i should offer the crying child a tissue but where the fuck are the tissues in this room what do i do''#and he just handed me a full-on towel instead like oh my god he was trying his best but also so clearly out of his depth#but of course i then had to remember how when i told that story to a different professor to be like ''this is how much scott cares about me#this guy called me fucking UNPROFESSIONAL for crying in front of the subject of my documentary?????????#like yeah maybe so but how DARE you call me unprofessional when a different professor tweeted my full name and gender without my consent#in an attempt to fucking cancel one of my friends for ''misgendering'' me for using pronouns i'm fine with him using!!!#i don't think i'm ever going to be able to forgive my college and i don't know how i'll be able to get through one more semester#that experience genuinely changed things about my psychology that i'm not proud of and i need to work through#so if i have to miss a goddamn kids in the hall event because i have class this november i am going to set something on fire
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basically threw away £20 on my nails today so was already getting weird bc i apparently cannot be normal about money and then my paycheck came through just for my manager to have knocked off 11 hours worth of pay. so naturally i am crying in a dark room about it
#this is such a girl moment wdym you’re crying about your fucking nails. couldn’t explain it to you if i tried#im just an utter FREAK about money and then for my payslip to get fucked as well. whyyyyy would you do that#im not built for the working world truly idk how sensitive people do it bc i am NOT im tough as shit 99% of the time and i STILL can’t deal#just give me my fucking money it’s not fair 😭😭😭 i worked hard 😭😭😭#and the dumbest brattiest part of this is that the thing that tipped me over the edge is that my mum didn’t offer to pay for my nails#like how ridiculous and spoiled is that but still i was so so angry at myself about fucking them up and it’s £25 to get them done tomorrow#and I’ve worked so hard for her this summer and both days I’ve been in town I’ve got her things#like nothing spenny but I’ve just thought of her and got her things I know she’d like just to be nice#and £25 is NOTHING TO HER AND SHE DIDNT EVEN OFFER 😭😭 she even joked it off#she was like ‘your dad would offer to pay if he was here but I believe in lessons’ GIRL FUCK YOUR LESSONS I WANT MY NAILS DONE 😭😭😭#why am i actually in tears over this. this is so silly. now all my money is fucked and im going to be the skint one when we go to dublin#AS USUAL. even though i worked hard and clocked the hours it still got fucked bc im fucking. cursed#im aware im being dramatic and this isn’t even about the amount of money i have atm i promise this isn’t some desperate bankruptcy claim#like for once im actually fine money wise it’s just all been FUCKED and my dates are now FUCKED bc i have to wait for next paycheck now#and it’s so unfair bc usually things go wrong for me bc im DUMB and mess it up LIKE MY NAIL APPOINTMENT#but for work and dublin i literally planned it perfectly and did the hours and it still didn’t work#like what is WRONG with me. i hate being an adult i need a sugar daddy ive had enough#the message I sent my manager…. scathing…. ik his scared of confrontation ass is panicking. give me my fucking MONEY#hella goes home
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i am always really grateful to get comments and feedback on my fics, but you don’t need to insult other peoples’ work in order to be nice about mine. it’s not even a compliment to me, really. you could’ve just talked about what you like about my writing rather than the fact that you dislike someone else’s. if you haven’t managed to find any fics in a fandom that are for you, i’d be more than happy to give you some recommendations of my own. the natm fandom is one of the most creative fandoms i’ve ever been a part of and even i, someone who barely reads fanfiction and is extremely picky about the tropes i want to read, have managed to find a tonne of fics that i absolutely adore. if it wasn’t for those fics i wouldn’t be writing my own. you can be picky about what you read, like i am. but it doesn’t mean that every fic you aren’t interested in reading is bad, and it doesn’t mean that only the fics you enjoy are good. i do agree that putting your work on the internet and in the public eye is inevitably and inherently opening yourself up to the possibility of criticism or negative feedback, but personally i think that fanfiction isn’t exactly the same as a published novel. we are writing this for free, and providing it for free, with no guarantee that we’ll get any traction or appreciation for it at all. if you don’t like a fic purely because you just didn’t like it and you don’t have anything helpful or productive to offer, it’s generally better and kinder to keep that to yourself. just be nice <3
#to clarify: this person wasn’t insulting a specific fic writer or fic#it was just a general statement about the fics in this fandom#this is absolutely NOT me calling out or getting mad at the person who left the comment because like#there is every chance they didn’t mean it like that !! maybe i misinterpreted it#do NOT be rude or mean to the person i’m talking about on here or on ao3 please and thanks#that’s not what this is about#i’m just saying it’s good to be mindful of how you talk about other peoples’ fics and stuff#just be nice. you like what you like and that’s ok but you can be kind about it at the same time#i am so grateful that you read and enjoyed my fic !! but i promise there are other fics for you out there too#i don’t believe in ranking or comparing fics myself but#if im being honest there are a million fics in this fandom and half of them are way better than mine#and like i said. if it weren’t for those wonderful and beautifully written fics i wouldn’t have started writing my own
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#hello everyone how are you?#I hope everything is doing alright! from my part I can say life is treating me well lately#and I feel very light and okay#I am here mainly to get things straight#I saw an anon going around some other blogs talking about me#saying I am an hater and I shouldn’t be writing larry fics#I think this is the same anon that I blocked some weeks ago#because they told me I should not use Harry for clout (????)#and I want to say only one thing because I don’t care of defending myself on this website anymore and that is#it’s not clout and it’s not easy#being a (new) writer here is not easy because people don’t care what you do and there is definitely not clout around me#im not using harry to gain anything#if anything I am constantly questioning whether I am somehow good at writing silly stories and putting myself out there for people’s judg#*judgement. and I promise you it’s not always nice#especially when this place doesn’t like people who you don’t always agree with#especially when you are blocked by half of this side of fandom (larries because I had said something in the past that they didn’t like)#louies because im a larrie ergo I hate louis (???) and harries because i dont care about Harry as much as they do#so no I am not ashamed of writing and I am not ashamed of writing giving my characters#(that rarely have anything to do with H/L irl) thei#their names and physical features#and honestly people like you anon should definitely stop to play this stupid game of fandom police#deciding who can read what and who can write what#because this actions only affect new writers in the way that#they will be alienated. they will feel alienated#and this whatever this fandom is shouldn’t be about that#ever. you don’t know what people go through every fucking day#you definetely dont know how this sort of silencing mission you have going on#will affect people on the internet and their mental health#stop defending the imaginary people you think H/L are and start treating people in this fandom as actual human beings#and since you probably would like to know this: I am not currently working on any project because i am fucking scared of reaction like this
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You know what? I love my body actually. Fuck everyone that ever made me believe that the best i could ever get to was maybe tolerate it.
#love my hair despite being bullied for it and being told to straighten it countless times#i love my scars despite being told that i should be ashamed of them they tell my story even when i can't#i love my body hair despite being told that it was shameful too since the very moment i started growing it (fuck that bitch in particular)#i love my thighs and my tummy and i love my weight now that i allow myself to eat until I'm full#i love my nose nd i think my nose bump is actually it's best feature#i love my smile even if it's a little crooked bc that's what makes it unique#and i love my flat chest bc turns out I have that transmasc swag HELL YEAH Jandjdns#some bitches wasted their time trying to make me feel bad about that one bc it is a blessing for me#'you don't have any boobs' 🥹🥹🥹 promise?#and it's not technically my body but i've been wearing them 24/7 since i was 2 yo so i feel like i get a pass for this one anyways →#i fucking love my glasses they are nice and they make me look nerdy which is GOOD bc I AM a nerd#and I'm studying nerd shit and the nerd building with a bunch of other nerds#curly hair and glasses are hot af actually... change my mind
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im happy to see an uptick of posts going around about bipoc selfshippers but it's making me have to once again attempt to mentally sort out if i fall under that label or not as a white-passing Métis person ;-;
if u notice that I'm not rbing any posts about that topic, it's because I'm still trying to sort out if I should be rbing those as a white person or as an indigenous Métis person fjfkdldl
#being mixed is weird idk fjfkdl this is confusing and my moral ocd doesnt play nice with it#it also doesnt help that my family hasnt engaged much w the culture until recently! before that it was just school events for indigenous ppl#that i was usually too scared to attend bc i was a very anxious kid and felt like i looked too white to attend djfjdkl#anyways fjfksl i promise im not ignoring any posts!! im just trying to figure out where i fit into it all#i dont want to be like... overstepping ever fjfjdkl i am trying to figure out how to engage w it before rbing anything#its a little funny to be struggling w this as a metis person bc djdkdl this is like... historically what we've struggled with as a ppl LMAO#we were often too white for the first nations ppl and always too indigenous for the white ppl fjfkdl so we made our own culture#so its just funny that im finding myself unsure and struggling w this question Yet Again SJDKSL historically and culturally accurate djfdkl#dandyshucks
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Hope I are doing alright! Rest all you need, take your time
thank you and likewise!! i'm getting through it, logging off when i need to, putting my energy where it needs to be. But i still enjoy being here and reblogging and posting when i can
#answers#my life has always been so chaotic that i promised myself very early on that art/ online projects would only be a hobby#and ive been very firm with myself about that. my fics and drawings and stuff are fun!! but i never feel bad about logging off#or taking time away. this is not a job etc etc. im here for funsies :)#that way i dont get bunt out or end up hating what i used to love bc of a sense of obligation#that being said i really am touched by people sending nice things <3 not understating that AT ALL
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I just think that the main barrier to being good at a lot of different things isn't about that you couldn't be good at it, it's about time, and it's about affording equipment and materials
It's gonna be a lot harder to find the time for even one hobby if you're working full time, and make no mistake, there's a real problem of getting what you need to actually work on stuff
#that's why if I ever did make videos about carving; I think I'd try to stick to just my knife and my gouge; cause that's 90% of what I use#one carving knife and a medium sized flat gouge will do a lot for you; I like my skew and such; but those two are what I need#I even have a feeling you could get by with an exacto (not nearly as good; but the point would be budget)#not sure what you'd use for the gouge#but if I did do videos I might look into it; would be kind of nice to be able to say 'it's not what I'd do; but he's a broke technique'#like... part of why I would only want to put out free stuff and no like... paid courses (which are fine)#is cause I'm used to being broke; that's who I want to help out; the poor fools like me#cause even people I like with woodworking on youtube who are about doing it on a budget... they still say to drop a fair bit of mint on it#and that's more for furniture making; but... love to do that some day too#and you know how I talk about stuff you know making it easier to do other stuff; there's a lot I think I could tackle with my knife#like... I'd like to once again kind of challenge myself if I did get into that#like what can I make with a dirt cheap saw; an exacto; and whatever I find for a gouge#how cheap can I make this to do?#And can I make it something they can do even if they don't have space?#like can I make it so they could do it over carpet if need be so long as they vacuum?#how unideal can I make things and still have it work? cause I think a lot of us are in very unideal circumstances#and to an extent who I most want to teach are the people who are like I was; in many ways still am#no really money making skills; trouble working for whatever reason; just kind of screwed#and I want to be able to say 'I can't promise you this'll work; but I've made it simple enough maybe you can try it'#'and I'm not saying you'll make money; but at least it's something; and at least it might be fun'#like... I can't recommend woodburing; that kit cost at least $100; think more like $200#that's not cash people have just lying around#I get that even asking to spend like... $5 on a saw; $5 on a blade; $5 on a gouge; and $5 on wood... even if I got it that cheap#I get that sometimes $20 is a big ask#I want to be able to say 'I'm not telling you it'll be your masterpiece; or you might not want to upgrade some of this stuff'#'but here's how you can go to some damn mega corp hardware store and come out with enough stuff to do this with little cash'#hard enough to get started on stuff; I want to lower the barrier to entry to as close to zero as I can#course... that means me getting more of my shit together; mean me building furniture and stuff#can carve at this point of course; though haven't in some time cause gotta get that commission out#not saying I make amazing stuff either; or that I know if I can teach at all
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i write and write and write and write and none of it is right
#i am so done with my brain#this is not a cry for attention i promise#this is just me being extremely pissed off at the state of my brain and trying to accept it and be nice to myself#but there is just this feeling of Wrong no matter what i write -.-#in a most annoying way possible#effervescentdragonrants
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I'm ngl was scared of going to one of my jobs bc i have certain trains of thought that get triggered in familiar places where i had those thoughts before especially when my mind wanders which is especially hard to control when idle/doing menial tasks and I'm not allowed to have music/ electronics so i can't distract myself easily. but work was so good today holy shit. my coworkers seemed happy to see me! i met someone really cool with similar music taste! we yapped for an hour! she told me to visit her in the future! i had a really busy and filled schedule! i get to play with kids! I get to help people! life is good!
#kk rambles#there are some thoughts that suck me into a hole so i just try to not go near them#and that's why it's been so nice to have someone at my doorstep almost every weekend lol#i went thrifting last week w my friend! I'm going to see a gallery this weekend! i have plans to go skating w my friends soon!#my friend has plans to go to a board game cafe w me! one of my friends is trying to get me to go to a con soon!#my friend told me she dreamed of cooking with me and saving my ass from a basketball lmao#i gave my neighbours baked goods and they told me i was welcome over anytime!#i keep imagining myself as a hikkikomori but maybe i also kinda am a 现充? am i making the most out of it? maybe?#the part where Kita was like oh i wanted to invite bocchi but i had plans every week... starting to realize that's... maybe... me..?#i had promised to meet up w a friend but it's been months and i still haven't put it on schedule yet bc life is so busy 😭#i am a ryo/bocchi at heart where I'm ok w being alone/sometimes i think nobody knows me but my masking skills are Kita level#everyone I've gone out with one on one wants to see me again! so there's probably something likeable about me!#I'm ngl being discarded really does shit to your mentality like even when I'm very aware sometimes i realize afterwards#what I'm like is not defined by how others treat me is what i try to tell myself#especially when the majority of people in my life treat me with care and respect and love! people like me!#i just get stuck on the small cases where things don't turn out well but. data analysis wise. we would call those outliers and discard them.#unfortunately the brain is not a computer and as heavily i lean into t vs f i still do feel emotions : D#but it's nice to be able to feel joy and appreciation and to feel really loved by my friends
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i came on here originally to say i was lonely and my head hurt but then some posts made me laugh so i’m reblogging them despite them being like the last thing i posted.
but such is life.
#my blue kazoo space puzzle is missing two pieces :/#and I’m on my period so looking at those old posts is hard but they’re also so far away like i started dating again already#and it got up there in number of dates but as it kept going it made me think more and more of Joey and that wasn’t fun#but i already have another guy lined up so that’s good i guess#but yea also being on my period doesn’t help#and just an update with work cuz no one asked for it#being split between two buildings is annoying#but anyways i dropped off James today cuz shavuos is this week#and tomorrow will be the second week I’ll be learning derech Hashem with Jeffrey so that’s nice#and i think Tamar will be at Hindy’s so maybe we’ll set up some actual chavrusa#but anyways i feel v distant from Gd like He’s not in my thoughts#but the challah bake was so nice yesterday and really gave me a good dose of just like Living For Hashem#though it’s faded by now but idk hopefully things just go well in life for a while#cuz things are just passing by and I’m spending days in a daze wasting them with screen time and not being productive but also trying#to be kind to myself because i /am/ on my period and this is all period talk and pain so#anyways#half promises half forgotten#and being almost 30 and all that#rant#there’s no real point to this post#just kind of catching up the last two months#i should shower and go to bed but idk if I’m gonna shower since Monday’s the only work day this week and James isn’t here so i can#stay up late but also i have no food#:/#well gn then#have some more funny posts maybe
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*gossip girl voice*
Hey, did you guys miss me?
Time for an on brand depressed journal entry :(
#so I’m working this summer#which is crazy because I haven’t worked since august- I promised myself I’d focus fully on classes#this job is with the co-op program so my school gave it to me and it’s with the government#and lemme tell y’all - this is the worst shit ever#i basically work with the military (hijabi working with the feds????) on top of that they’ve made it mandatory to work in person#since it’s a classified area they don’t allow phones so u legit have to lock up your phones the entire day#my manager doesn’t respect me and basically asked me to be the admin person on the team EVEN THO I AM LITERALLY A MASTERS STUDENT#i have to drive 1 freaking hour to the job - it’s legit outside of the city#ANDDDDD one of the other students has been bothering me😵💫😖😖😖😖😖😖😖😖#I AM SO ANNOYED AND ANGRY AT MY CURRENT POSITION#i paid an extra $800 out of pocket to be in this coop and they’ve given me the worst placement with the worst position#if I could I would’ve quit after the first week#i made the mistake of being nice to the student and telling him I like football and NOW HE WONT FREAKING LEAVE ME ALONEEEE#I’m so depressed I just want to be alone at lunch and while I work but he’s always messaging me and pestering me#like bruh not even my manager pays this much attention to me#I want to tell him to leave me alone but idk how without being rude#I’m trying to figure out a lie that will get my manager to let me work from home#this is the worst thing ever#I legit cry every morning before I go into work like this SUCKS#i really needed to get this out#being unemployed was the best thing ever#and I vow to never work a job that’s in person ever again
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The thought of explaining to my mom at some point that I'm moving in with this guy I met at work (that I don't talk to her about because.... wait for it) because her immediate reaction will be that we're fucking, dating, whatever and that I'm stupid to do this (like she did) and I'm especially worried about the moment she discover he has kids because she has always maintained I am "confused" and that I would end up with a man and be normal. What a thought to get out. That's probably why I have a headache
#Yeah I live with my mom but by no means do I tell her anything important#I know where that road leads!#And like I told him yesterday - I don't make moves without really taking my sweet time with it#I wouldn't say yes to being room mates (we r room mates first and whatever else second)#If I didn't already trust his character. Mans just wants to take care of his kids and relax#I can relate.#I'm thinking way too much about way too many things. Ibuprofen and sleep#Now that I'm further in the tags#One of my favorite things about him and our relationship... whatever it is.... is that it makes me want to be a better person#For both of us individually. I told him I was going to sleep a while ago#I could stay up. But I essentially promised I wouldn't#and I am not in the business of breaking promises or lying to him#So it's a nice way to really actually hold myself responsible.
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