#I! kind of! know how itll end! but if nothing I know I am so willing to improv this shit to the bitter confusing end

[b4kuch1n]

hi it's me. bulletpoints

job has concluded! barring sudden expansion on the project I think that's gonna be it for my work here. six character cards in total! this leads to

wrists are bit fucked. I'll be putting that thang (creen tablet) in da closet again for at least a month while trying to hold as few heavy objects as possible for the time being

why one month deadline? well it's bc I made an artfight account. I'm fucking doing it this year on god I'll kick anyone's ass I'll kick my own ass. I'll post a link to my acc a week or so before the event starts, meanwhile I'll keep updating my roster and cleaning up this cardboard box I arrived at their door in. do u guys have a spare pair of suspenders I have a really funny joke to make

will be doing it on the creen tablet, unless I make enough to get a new graphic tablet that works with SAI2 inbetween. on that note

ink comms should come back sometimes next week babeyy I need to get back into da groove! miss my G pen it feels like I was close to something last time. I wanna get back to it. but also

I'm writing a fic now. tis the season it seems this happened last year too. but I'll try my best to not disappear off the face of the earth for 3 months running again lol I'll do my best to pace myself, since this is gonna be one of the heftier writing things.

sk8 people and another very specific subset of people will be pleased to know it's a sk8 Real Steel AU. if this means nothing to u carry on. have a good day. to the five people still here I'll probably be brainposting abt writing this so don't be surprised if that comes up here and there

circling back a bit I'm currently 120 USD away from the graphic tablet I wanna get, so that'll be what the ink comms are going toward. otherwise if u enjoy my art and have a spare doller to buy the baku a coffee I'd absolutely appreciate ur support! not mandatory but I'll definitely be very thankful! especially bc

I'll probably phase out the redbubble store some time in the future. at the very least I'll probably stop uploading new things on there while looking for alternative. ohh baby they are doing some wild shit and I want off the ride please. please

but yeah. that's the current plan for things. I've accepted that comics happen when they want to, and I have faith they still want to see the sunlight some time this year. meanwhile we keep busy keep training keep recovering! thank u for ur patience. have a good night take this sharp object

[lovesickeros]

now that natlan is out it's tsaritsa yearning hours again because i am one nation closer to either being horribly disappointed or foaming at the mouth!

creator!reader w a little side of conflicted tsaritsa is such good food I can't not yap about it. a woman who has dedicated so much of her life to severing herself from "love" of all kinds and succeeding and. just being so confident that when she meets you she's bitter and angry and mean. because she can't stand you. she isn't supposed to love yet you worm your way into her heart anyway and you don't even know it.

especially in smth like an imposter au. she tells herself your just a tool for her to use but your treated like the Divine you really are, pampered and spoiled every step. tells herself it means nothing when she indulges you – let's you hold her hand in private, eventually let's you move aside the veil, just a little.

and she hates it. hates how easy it is to let you break down the ice she's built up for years.

all you do is smile and she feels like she can't breathe. because despite how violently she rejects love in all aspects, it always bleeds through eventually. she despises it but the way you brush your thumbs over her cheeks makes her bitter and warm and it infuriates her to no end.

she hates you and she loves you and she can't stand you and if you were ever taken from her she'd destroy every inch of teyvat if she had to go get you back.

and ironically enough I think she'd also be the one to initiate any first kiss. maybe she's still trying to convince herself it's just a fluke and itll make her realize it meant nothing, it means nothing. desperate to fix whatever you've done to her and instead it just makes it worse.

a horrible mess of a woman who gave up on love just to be confronted with it when she finally accepted it's absence.

[strab3rr]

ive been thinking abt a week? to delete my account or my story but u know what idgaf anymore because its just gonna give those people more courage for accusing me of being a liar

oh u dont know what im talking bout rn how cute

I was in the hospital til 2 days ago. as a patient. and i believe this happened bc of some jealousy bitches (or im just bein a drama queen)

ik it sounds like im blaming someone but irl yes i do blame someone

in dog years i blame those bitches

last week? i dont even remember what the day

mom got sick again but its okay shes fine now and then i had a car crash🪩🤩🪩my phone died in the crash literally died i had to buy a new one do you guys have any idea abt how much are this things in my country i really dont care abt the money but be for real wtf actually

i answered all of your questions carefully and with kindness i tried to be there for you guys and the moment i tell you abt my success story i had an accident! um sir wtf am i really being dramatic rn? cause ive been thinking bout this for days and theres no other explanation even if there is i cant see

so here it goes,,, i was just chilling in my home and then i read a dm about a girl that she wants to get in her void and as always i explained how she can get in but she kept ask me about how to get in but like girl hellooo i literally told you how. r u kidding me is this a social experiment to evaluate my patience? and then i said to her that this is the only thing that she should do for getting into

she said, no you are lying it cant be like this! bla bla

i transformed to this cat at that moment this is real me now.

anyway at the end of that conversation she said that im lying, if any of these(my manifestation results) are true then i should show her bc she have "doubts🎀" aww for her doubts i should reveal my self in her home bc she have doubts🎀 i should transport there with my void and show her how to do it irl thats what she asked me no- thats what she commanded me to, she was like "do it" and i was like "what😃" i said no ofc what do u want me to say, ok lets do itt lets break my privacy togetherrr let me get in your void for you and again let me do make your dreams comes true yayyy itll be fun right😍😍😍

i dont even know what to say to that

maybe this?

u think im joking which ur right bc i am

but its kinda serious here buddy what should i say to you when u command me to get in your void for you, like how can i reject you and still be that kind sister for u?

anyway i said no to her and she said im a lair and i broke her heart with my selfishness(then i blocked her ofc)then i go out w my friends this is the part i got hit by a car😇

opened my eyes into the white light like im a mf drama movie character

while im in the hospital i thought i can delete my account and can get rid of this bad luck/shits once and for all but again its just gonna give those bitches courage and they think that they right

"loa is a cult and everyone is a liar bc they cant prove bla bla" dont u dare to blame me for your failure

you didn't got in AND you want me to do it for you???honey im sorry for your loss bc it seems like you just lost your dignity yeah we just buried it u missed such a precious moment🥲

and guess what i have nothing to prove you i literally dont have to prove anything to you. like for real. if you dont believe the story can u just move on please? bc i dont give a damn shit about your insecurities, your doubts and ur blablabla

its literally on you girl BC IT SUPPOSED TO BE YOUR MF REALITY? LIKE DO YOU REALLY NEED A MANUAL BOOK FOR THIS?

im sorry for being a bitter today but i really feel like this(bitter), so not sorry maybe😗

but i didn't mean it when i said idgaf to ur insecurities.. i do honey its just been a rough week and i dont know how to put my anger in to the words

it can be a evil eye 🧿 or i just might be a drama queen sooo.. again sorry(?) if anything offends u, i love you guys but its just so complicated here(my head) and i just dont know

and now im just being weird w all this nonsense

i should go now, i will return your dms asap just need some rest

loves, siena

[rouge-the-bat]

i think itd be really funny if hiei didnt realize who kurama truly was for a while after they meet. kurama introduces his name to him as just "kurama," and im sure theres More Than One demon kurama, so its not like hiei would immediately assume hes THE infamous youko kurama. and kurama doesnt tell him, because hes a silly lil fox with much patience and finds much amusement in waiting and seeing how long itll take hiei to realize.

and its not like kurama tries to be subtle either. he gets a fox keychain on his backpack, hiei notices it and asks its purpose. kurama says its just a fun decoration, which hiei dismisses as stupid.

kurama eventually mentions having a tail in his old body. hiei realizes he was an animal demon, but doesnt care which he may have been, because what would it matter?

kurama also does not keep quiet about the fact he was and still is a thief. there are a lot of thieves in the makai, though, things dont click in hieis mind yet.

hiei turns down much of kuramas attempts to "pry into his life" (as he sees it) at first, and doesnt want to pry into kuramas either. he wants to keep their partnership as just business, he has no interest in getting all buddy-buddy (he will also not think into at all why he likes looking at kurama, it doesnt mean anything if he doesnt think about it). BUT. he does end up becoming very curious, because how could he not with a demon in a human body, that has such an unusual situation and loads of knowledge and skill?

kurama told him at least that his soul had escaped to the body of an unborn human before he was able to perish. hiei wondered how long ago that happened, and asked kurama how old his human form is. "14," kurama tells him.

at this point hiei is still able to return to the makai, and he goes to retrieve some various seeds kurama needs for weapons/medicine and such. a good way he can be useful for their partnership- he doesnt want it to be one-sided after all- and plus kurama equipped with more items would defintely be helpful for him as well.

on one trip he eavesdrops on some bandit hideout he discovers- nothing interesting they got there, but information they speak about could come in handy. a very unimpressive-looking demon mentions that theyre gonna become the next youko kurama (hiei manages to keep himself from snorting, but not from rolling his eyes). another demon says that theyve been hearing rumors that youko kurama died for over a decade now, but they still dont believe it. says they bet he faked his death so he can catch some big shot off guard and take em for all theyve got.

this conversation doesnt make him question anything until later, when hes relaxing in a tree back in the ningenkai. its late, and his mind starts to wander and remembers the conversation. hes always heard a lot of tales about the king of thieves, but doesnt know how much may be factual. he offhandedly wonders if kurama happens to know any concrete details, since hes proven to be very knowledgeable about many things.

then it clicks. all the little details over the months fall into place in his mind and hes suddenly wide awake and rushing to kuramas house. he slams kuramas sliding window open, and kurama startles and halts from brushing his hair. he sternly tells hiei to be careful, that glass can break easily, and that sound could have woken his mother. shes a light sleeper and needs her sleep! hiei doesnt comment on that, and just urgently says "kurama. what kind of demon are you?"

kurama blinks for a moment, then chuckles. he gives hiei a wicked grin as he replies "youre just now figuring out who i am, are you?" "kurama," hiei repeats, "what are you?" he sees a mischievous glint in those green eyes that almost looked gold before kurama answers "why, a youko, of course."

[pumpkinsy0]

im the middle man of the stupidest most basic fucking highschool "drama" of my life so can i get some pony hcs of him dealing with smth like that?

heyyyyy srry for not resplying sooner!!! but i am

alive,,, i am back,,,

and omg?? at least ur gettin the real hs experience😭😭

•pony will always go to soda to talk about it, he feels free to do so bc technically he’s not involved w the drama at all, if he told darry it would turn into a “don’t get involved w that, that’s not what ur in school for” kind of lecture. not to say that soda doesn’t kinda do it but it’s more of a passing comment than anything else

•soda and darry were popular in school yet they were never rlly involved in drama like pony is, pony doesn’t have that kinda charm to stay out of trouble like they can, but he has enough likeability to not be at one of the end of drama, yknow what i mean?? that AND ppl know he’s a curtis bro so ppl just don’t wanna get a one way ticket to seeing how protective they r over pony, would soda and darry jump someone over pony??? unpopular opinion but i dont think they would for many different reasons, THE OUTSIDE WORLD DONT KNOW THAT THO so they keep pony at arms length

•god forbid the drama is w pony and 2 of his other school friends, at best he turns into a shitty messenger pigeon, being told to “tell ___ i said ____” but ending up not saying it to them, and the person finds out anyways from someone else. at WORST, pony has to pick a side, loyalty is big to pony so he tries not picking sides, sometimes tho??? he knowwwsss who’s in the wrong and distances himself away from em

•if its one of the gang though, like i said loyalty is a big thing, PLUS he in a way lives w some of em, if one of the gang is in deep trouble he stands ten toes down for em, he does it w a sigh and shakes his head, but still does it

•if u think ponys gonna b the one to try and quell the problem, ur WRONG!! hes just aboard for the ride, stepping in to stop ppl from fighting aint his strong suit, ofc if he feels like itll get outta hand he’ll try to do SOMETHING to stop em but typically??? its common in town so he doesnt care THAT much

•pony had smalllll issues w socs in school when he came back bc they thought bob didnt get his justice and since johnny was dead pony was the next best thing. it wasnt wide spread bc believe it or not bob wasnt wildly beloved, think of it like a “we all look like w gaf about each other but rlly we couldnt care less” american psycho type thing goin on there w half of those socs. but greasers had ponys back soooo nothing more than empty threats n glares

•first REAL big “this happened bc of me, kinda on my own here in this corner” drama pony found himself in was probably when angela tried to get him jumped, BUT EVEN THEN it wasnt rlly drama, there was a right and a wrong and most ppl sided w him anyways, so kinda short lived

•pony says he hates drama (bit of a lie, he doesnt HATE it just thinks its annoying) but hes a big gossiper, and he doesnt even realize it, “grrrrrr i wish u guys what shut up, but sureeeee tell me what he said in exact detail, word for word bar for bar, not that i care or anything🙄🙄🙄”

•noooooobody believes him when he says middle class kids r messsyyyyyyy, everyone says theyre chill but theyre NOT, theres beef between upper middle class kids who try to fit in w the socs and the lower middle class ones who try (keyword try) sticking together, its nottttt just greasers vs socs, the middle class has infighting BAD

•i say all this but genuinely, pony doesn’t pay attention to what happens in school, beyond classes (even IN class if it’s easy enough) he disassociates and couldn’t tell u who what who even though he’s been there for a good few years now, he finds out about a lot of things REALLLYYYY late, pony’s not THAT popular up to the point where ppl tell him everything that’s going on bc he isn’t rlly their force choice to do that w, everytime he’s put in the middle of something, it’s when that situation done boiled over, his friends have to fill him in and they’re like “where tf WERE u when this happened man cmon”

[devondespresso]

OK POLL IS ONLY GONNA LAST LIKE AN HOUR TOPS IM NOT PATIENT ENOUGH FOR A WHOLE DAY

i woke up today deciding i need to widdle down my wips because the extra options are making it harder to decide what to work on and get wips posted. i have 5? wips i think. 1 long fic, 1 chaptered, and 3 oneshots.

having said that...

some additional Pews information, in case that aids the decision.

Pews' is a perry-the-platypus style pet that doubles as Tews (they're identical, Tews is his own cat they just share the place of Tews im the Henderson household) and is basically responsible for plot-armor-y coincidences that let the plot happen. I have the most of the fic outlined with only one scene not figured out, nothing written obviously i gotta ask the silly guys in my phone first dykdyjdyj

i really liked it, itd be one of those "crack taken seriously" fics, i just don't know how much time i actually want to pour into this with how many other things I've got that i wanna finish

[stuck-in-the-ghost-zone]

blank check for ur gold morning thoughts/predictions/etc. how are we feeling about all of this. (& how do u think it's going to end?) <3333

HI. FORGOT I HAD THIS STILL. taking my allotted break time (just started arc 29 ouahg) to finally . answer this

god. what the fuck man. how the fuck am i supposed to put my gold morning thoughts into words. this is gonna be so stream of consciousness and not organized AT ALL sorry :] btw i love that its called gold morning for one. thats so fucked. for the record i still feel so fucking vindicated that i was right all along about scion being scary i will never come down from this high of being so correct about media !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i was actually just thinking abt this earlier i still think its so fucking crazy that. the slaughterhouse nine is like NOTHING now. all this time i had thought the apocalypse was gonna be some crazy rise to power for jack and instead hes just. fucking suffocating in some containment foam and his only meaningful contribution was saying some cryptic bullshit that set scion on a rampage. god. i have a lot of feelings abt that. and also the vague bonesaw redemption arc thats happening in the background (i dont want to call it that but also i cant think of the other word for that rn. only other word i can think of is domestication and thats not right either. you know what i mean)

uhhhhhhhhh okay predictions??? overall i do NOT expect worm to have a happy ending. i do still expect taylor to die at some point (shes gotten pretty fucking close a few times but god DAMN that girl is a cockroach (pun . intended)) i think a lot of people are gonna go out in a blaze of glory, specifically because that term has been used quite a few times recently... but i do think theyre going to succeed in either killing scion (probably more likely, we know the worms can be killed or. can at least DIE bc of his counterpart) or my insane person theory which is punting him back out into the cosmos and sending him to continue his cycle somewhere else. if that happens i think all the capes with (natural) powers will lose their powers, but the cauldron capes will still have theirs bc theyre like... artificial and it seemed like scion couldnt affect them as efficiently as he could capes with shards?????? idk. still DYING 2 know what happened to the corpse of the counterpart. potentially the way they send him away is by finding a way to revive it?? and then they can leave together. that seems way too happily ever after than what im expecting though. idk man im just. throwing wet pasta at the wall. if i say enough insane things perhaps i will be sort of kind of right and itll be really funny.

EXTREMELY excited bc like. i have 2 arcs left. i definitely wont finish it today like i was kind of hoping i would but im definitely gonna be. done with worm this week. what an insane thing to say. ive been reading this book since like. what. april? may?? i dont remember. either way holy shit good fucking book everyone read worm NOW. i was planning on drawing/writing some nhw this weekend but god damn i just got sucked into the worm fugue instead i NEED to know how this damn book ends dude.

[dollivication]

hiiii im glad you liked my insane ramblings about guro and OH MY GOD you were so right w the ring finger thing im rotating that concept...i love pathetic men...

speaking of pathetic. kind of springboarding off of what one of the other anons said about Nero but only showing affection when u got them bleeding would make them do some loony shit. you hear hey babe watch this and then dantes intestines are spilling out bc thats the only way he can get your attention and he wants it soso bad. and like they COULD force you to pay attention to them but youre so cold and its so much easier this way because itll just heal later and it really doesn't even hurt that bad anymore? (that is the blood loss talking there are so many stains on the floor that are NOT coming out. perhaps not even just blood teehee)

or like. elbow deep in vergil's guts and hes trying so hard to pay attention when youre naming everything even tho you know hes not gonna be able to focus bc taking an interest in peoples hobbies helps you get closer right?? and really whats more intimate than someone having their hands all up in your organs, no one ELSE has ever touched him there! no one else knows him inside and out like this, its so romantic! especially if you do some freak shit like lick the blood off your hands bc now part of him is in you...utterly delusional i fear

okay last insane thought for now yk how in 3 dante takes a shot to the head like its nothing? imagine asking so nicely and sweetly if you can try it because you wanna see how itll heal and also all the gray matter spattering everywhere. youre not cleaning it up of course its his fault for making such a mess!! also not convinced theres actually brain in there like you are making your insides be on the outside because you want someone to look at you BE NORMAL!!! -☢️

WHEN I READ THIS I WAS GIGGLINH BECAUSE HOLYYYSHIY YU GET ME SO WELL HUGS YOU!!!! LIVE LAUGH LOVE DMC GORE.. cw!!1!1!

THEY ARE BOTH TWO ENDS OF THE FREAKY SPECTRUM AND I AM ABSOLUTELY HERE 4 IT!!! laik omgfgh.. vergil thinks there’s something soww poetic about quite literally giving himself up, all of him, for the person he loves most.

if you decide to laik… cut off his tongue and put it in a jar or just basically any other part of him,, he is going to be over the MOON!!! laik awhh, yu love him so much that you’re preserving a part of him <33 uhm!! please get help! Loony!!!!1!!!1

WHEREAS DANTE IS LAIK.. INITIATING IT!!! comes up to yu laik a kid showing off a bug like hey check out this cool gash you can see my bone!! make it worse pretty please??? you should totally skin me ahahaha…!! LIKE STOP OT YOU CREATURE‼️‼️ JES SO NASTAY he loves the sting methinks..

this is like mary jane 4 him he gets high off this and harder than ever before!!! the only downside for the both of them is that your fascination is often very short-lived… (◞‸◟)

vergil is more likely to wait around until you decide to get hit by another urge to ‘study’ him whereas dante is ALLLWAYS trying to appeal to you. hey, you’ve looked at my ribcage already, look at my brain!! or what about my eye?? YUCK

THE LAST BIT OH MY GODH!!!! it always ends the same! you losing interest after a bit of observing, leaving them to pick up the foul, iron scented mess. auwaaa.. for a split second they probably realize the fucked up situation you’re both in, which i reckon causes them to spiral a bit—before they remember how happy you looked to be squeezing their insides!!…

oh well nobody ever said being together should be a healthy thing! they’ll clean the blood up later,, right now they just need a biiiig nap<3 and the cycle will repeat!!! they can’t wait!

imsosillyimsosillyimsosillyimso

[lesbiantesttube]

Negative/sui weaaarning and also text wall

I know posting about things like this randomly on the internet is like bad and I genuinely dislike using an online web site account for posting about wanting to Kill Myself but I mean obviously irl there arent actually like. Resources for helping with this. Atleast none I've ever found. And if i dont say my words somewhere it WILL turn into a psychotic episode so umm. Uea. Its a habit i dont want to like, keep forever, it's just....Uuuhhh.Yea. Of course no like.. Pressure...For any like, consolance or interaction or anything like I just simply post serious stuff here for the fact it's Out There and Can Be Seen and so theres no forcing to like. Actually say anything.Dont worry

But like i really wanna kill myself so bad. My bday gets closer and closer and closer and I have no excitement. I want to die before it. I know this is like, such a turnaround from my previous thoughts after my sister died, where I was like, "This is where things change!" Nononono. Nothing is where things change or don't change it's all just relative even if she's dead now and even with all of my trauma and mental problems there is no guarantee things will get better, there is no guarantee they WONT get better, nothing is anything Special it's all just Occurrences and Reactions etc and not even in a nihilistic way i literally LOVE the world and feel REALLY hopeful for the world as a whole and I do think everything is amazing it's just like omfg I am so scared and sad all the time and I dont think itll get better like.

I know this sounds like really geeky and stupid but I'm sad that pride month is about to end and I still feel alone and isolated in my identity and who i am and being a gay girl like I really do feel awful if I think about it for too long. I try to ignore myself as long as I can like genuinely until I just cant anymore. I just want to be what everyone else is, that kind of thing.

And i mean dont worry im probably going to be fine. Im going to keep trying. It's just I'm really, really scared and sad and with how my psychotic episodes keep like, getting stronger and stronger in how they control me it's like what if I'm thinking the wrong thing during one and do something I can never turn back from? Like. Uuuyhh.

Pooooooop

[everybuddiewantssome]

20 questions for fanfic writers!

Tagged by @aintgonnatakethis 💙

How many works do you have on AO3? 46

What's your total AO3 word count? 213 147

What fandoms do you write for? My big two are stargate (any and all. Mostly sg1 and sga though) and csi. Though my ao3 says my most posted fandoms are smallville and spn, and that's technically correct, from the svnatural crossovers. There's a couple other shows thrown in there too but we won't get into my whole writing history and future rn

Top 5 fics by kudos:

The thing about a fantasy (csi, G, CathRick)

Beautiful disaster (sga, sg1, T, Gen.)

Keep me safe (sg1, G, Sam/Daniel)

Take me back into your arms (sg1, T, Sam/Daniel)

Morning person (sg1, G, sam & daniel)

Do you respond to comments? Not always, but no that if you've left a nice comment I'm grinning like an idiot each and every time I read it. I love them.

What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending? I feel like I don't write a ton of angsty ending so I might have to say so much for normal (also my 6th fic by kudos). It ends basically how spn starts, so yeah.

What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending? Oh so many but I think the ultimate one has to be take me back into your arms. Nothing like a reunion after coming back to this mortal coil

Do you get any hate on fics? Thankfully no (knock on wood)

Do you write smut? No siree. Not my wheelhouse

Craziest crossover? I basically started by writing crossovers, but the wackiest is definitely the Jason Teague & Dean Winchester are twins fic. Thanks @morrison-the-ii once again

Have you ever had a fic stolen? I hope not!

Have you ever had a fic translated? Not to my knowledge, but I'd allow it!

Have you ever co written a fic? I've bounced ideas with various people, but never actually wrote with anybody

All time favourite ship? I'm not sure tbh. My unhinged svnatural SamLois era was very fun and am still much a fan of Sam/Daniel fics. But one it always seems to come back to writing for me is the brotp between Sara and Nick. They're such a great dynamic to work with and I truly missed writing all csi but especially them so much. Bonus answer Clois, but I don't think I've wrote anything for them. Or at least not anything beyond a ficlet

What's a wip you want to finish but doubt you ever will? I have this saving hope doc I've had for over a year that was meant to be a role reversal of the series finale (meaning its Alex because I like to be even more depressing apparently). The doc is still empty to this day and I honestly think itll stay that way but let's be real nobody wants that anyway I know I really don't 😭. Could also say csi road trip fic but I'm damned and determined to write that one

What are your writing strengths? Characters and dialogue. I love characters and I always feel like I have a good grasp on each of them and can keep them in character as much as possible

What are your writing weaknesses? Any kind of creative descriptors.

Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language? I doubt I'd personally try it, but I mean if you want to, I don't see a reason not to

First fandom you wrote in? First fic I ever started was Resurfacing (csi, M, gen.) First fic I posted however was the original version of hear it from me (svnatural, G; Clois & Sam)

Favourite fic you've written? Do you know how hard this is? I might have to go with special occasion (svnatural, G; gen.) Just because of how excited I was for that idea combining the best of both worlds. But another one I'm proud of for some reason is just maybe (we'll be alright) (sgu, G; TJ/Young). I don't often feel great about my scene setting and emotion but I like to think I hit the nail on the head with that one

Tagging (no pressure): @sga-owns-my-soul @jencsi @ilkkawhat and @space-helen

But please also feel free to jump on if you see this!

[briefpiratebear]

in the end the pain hurt to much id run from it if i could but i cant lol i wouldnt its not a good life whatever i end up doing i know one thing is forsure pursuing your own goals no matter i did things happen in the end those goals are my own maybe someone elses in the end i always was a winner. i move on. when you cant why? lol then i move for myself in everyway possible try to make it work both ways how could i not even if it was life or death how could i not iv lost enough in this world to lose more because of ignorance thrown on me i cant carry the fucking world im helpless in denial for fuck sake untill i can help myself and my dignity was stripped from me although it wasnt it was it was all i was all i worked hard at it was more then that it was writing all the years i took care of you made sure you were okay stay up for hrs writing on end to myself to figure out some point of disease you had to point out contempt of a sword i preached it i lived in it im lost in something you cannot live yeat sit with denial im in denial i cannot do life without my job i worked hard to love myself did i need this no i had my job DID I NEED THIS? yes i think that i accept i wasnt good enough so i move on. how did i do that denial denial denial enough denial and you will figure out what truly matters to you i guess i never liked playing games fuck you dirty ass truly ignorant got nothing to say disappointment i mean it sold me lesbian was "i have been through this before and i know how this goes""i i know i tried i could not love you again like i used to" yeat here i am i feel a type of way the way youve treated me its fine it is fine it is a line of dignity ill wait here on mine in the end it just hurt me bad enough to realize what truly matters in life and it was me and my time and my pleasures for so long i mean in denial in hell fuck yes itll get you through it lol youll be dead dead dead closer i new you the closer i came to being free in this kind of depth i was lost helpless i tried working wasnt enough realizing working on self was all i had worth millions to me because i spent so much time doing it man was i still so fucked up after the hospital i needed years on myself this time it wasnt anything but the point of not being true to myself i died at the fact i wasnt good enough and everybody else i mean everybody else was what was your point you didnt have any mine is forginess i choose to forgive because in the end it was the darkness that showed me the way everytime it taught me alot about myself i didnt need it life throws it at you because life is ignorant not right i will stand up for myself not give into my denial my denioal gets me out of my denial that miss is a good message from ya bitch whats wrose then sucking another persons toe was it sexual or just dirty that i would do anything for love this time it was for myself nobody was stopping me once i get going again idc how long that takes ill wait in my denial i wont wait forever it inevitaible i crimb out again what failed me was life my denial was my life as bad as it was was as bad as i was it wasnt to bad but bad in one specific area that shit hurt me. that all im saying last thing i want is sympathy from anyone maybe a damn but anything more nah

[precurediary]

EP 1. Cure Idol Debuts!!

Synopsis: The adorable silly cutie fairy Purirun comes to Normal Japan to look for a Precure to help save their destroyed home!!! Who could it be? Maybe the first person they meet, the vocally talented Sakura Uta? No, not a chance!!!

Okay..hear me out. I feel a bit bad saying this but, I was very underwhelmed with the first episode of this new season! I feel like it's a combination of the lack of interesting characters (sorry Uta ToT), the uninteresting setting, the boring conflict..like of course Uta was going to be the idol precure. It felt like such an artificial roadblock to me, spending the entire episode looking around for someone who was obviously right there? It's not like she WASN'T going to become a precure. It felt so boring..like they could have at least used the exploration as an opportunity to flesh out some characters, or even the town more, but unfortunately neither of those have any sort of real substance it seems. Compared to the past couple seasons, which had a magical sky kingdom, and a whole animal town, now we're just in some random place in normal city japan with nothing of interest aside from Uta herself? And her special quirk is that she sings good?????? Like okay. Also the plot progression just felt so weird. What a weird open. We met this fairy so fast. No backstory on them, no lead up, nothing, just hi!!! Here's the fairy!!! Hi Uta you two instantly met within the first minute of the show. Okay. I FEEL SO BAD SAYING IT CAUSE I LOVE PRECURE WITH ALL MY HEART BUT THIS WAS SO BORING. THE WHOLE EPISODE. Also if Uta sings that same short song throughout the whole series i may just start throwing things. It got old fast

I will say though. I love the villains they're so dumb. I love their dumb outfits with the giant scissors. And whatever the heck this guy's name is. Look at him. Silly guy.

THE OTHER GUY BOTHERS ME CAUSE HIS BODY PROPORTIONS JUST LOOK SO OFF. I dunno. I wish the precure design team would spend a little more time on the villains. These ones just feel so..basic. It feels like all the bad guys are the same and it's kind of a shame, i wish they would mix it up a little..like i dont even remember the girl of the group's design at all x(

HELP the proportions. perspective is my passion. anyways

Cure Idol's transformation was beautiful of course :3 I'm really sad they aren't going to sing at any point during their transformations though. I get that they didn't want to copy Star Twinkle but cmon...it wouldve been so fitting!!!! But you know what, I'm fine with what they went with, making their finishing moves performances. Cute! Fun! But weirdly executed. What in the world is that attack sequence. The CGI is so abrupt too?!?!??! Like don't get me wrong, their CGI is GORGEOUS, but so so jarring when it just cuts into it like that.

HOWEVER i love how after a season of strictly no-violence battles, Toei is going all out in this one. Cure idol is just straight beating the monsters up and it's really funny. She freaking obliterated that thing.

OVERALL i am not thrilled by the episode as a whole. But hey. It's the first one!!! I have to give it time. Maybe itll grow on me a bit more. We'll see.

Also the ending is such a banger. I'll have to listen to the opening again, but the ending outshines it by a mile for me <3

Onto episode 2~!

[xxxg0ryygurlll13xxx]

i feel kinda bad abt taking my mental health/work day

like yea i get an insane amount of school work but theres ppl i go to school w who have practice, and rehersal and get it done. am i seriously this mentally weak and unstable?? that i get so stressed out and anxious over school i have to take a day to do it cause i cant do my work at school? really???? like i feel idk idk how i feel. i dont think guilty is the right word? but neither is weak? idk. but its bad. theres just so much going on in my family life too that im worried about and i keep trying to tell myself that this is ok and needed and i just have to get the work done but its so hard to not worry and get overanxious to the point i cant go to school. mental health is such a tricky thing and i know its important but i feel so bad when i take care of it. i will say i put on my insta note "needing to stay home from school to do schoolwork is crazy" and like 5 ppl from school have responded saying they do the same thing all the time cause its so necessary. that makes me feel less bad abt taking today off, well not really off im gonna spend my whole day working even tho thats what i did yesterday too after my PSAT and barely made a dent in my planner. its just its so much. so so so so much and i feel bad that other ppl can handle it but i cant. ik ppls brains are built different but how come i struggle so much in school and w school work and others just pass w As and dont even bat an eye???? ig stupid is how it makes me feel. guilty, weak, and stupid. its only october and i feel like im on a sinking ship, i have school to worry abt, loved ones in florida to worry abt, my mas health to worry abt, my health to worry abt, keeping the house at least kinda clean to worry abt, plans to worry abt, social things to worry abt, so much to worry abt. also slightly unrelated but i have a dr appt to go to on saturday and get to skip out on helping w open house at my school and trying to explain to my friend why no she wouldnt rather spend her saturday talking w her mothers spinal surgeon about how she could be paralyzed for the rest of her life, or how her back conditions could kill her. id rather work open house but she insisted i was "lucky" to miss out. i just feel so overwhelmed already. its only october and my mental health is already at such an edge that i cant go to school. ik that going where i go will be good in the long run and the adults around me are constantly telling me that but idk if its worth it since who knows if ill even make it to the long run. they keep insisting that too. ignoring my mental health concerns and just saying that i go to such a good school and my diploma will help me much more than if i went to public school. which is all tru but it shouldnt be at the cost of my mental, and physical health. they say itll make college easier but if this is supposed to prep me for college idk if i can make it another 4 years of this.

im not happy anymore. not long term anyways like sure hoco was fun and i was happy, i was happy getting ready and dancing but as soon as it ended i wasnt happy anymore. i was back to my now usual empty kind of sadness. i watch shows, play games, and make art that usually makes me happy and it doesnt anymore. i stopped drawing for pleasure, only watch shows and yt series to get it over with and havent touched any games in a long time. nothings fun anymore. everyone is so happy, going to parties, hanging out, having fun but here i am practically drowning trying to even crack a smile. ive started just doing the bare minimum for myself to survive. school, sleep, eating, showers basic things. ive abandoned most of my hobbies and ik thats not good for me but i just cant bring myself to do them. i wanna be happy and i dont want ppl ik to worry so i just kinda fake it hoping no one will notice and maybe i can make other ppl happy. im lonely, sad, anxious, guilty, depressed. i should be excited abt things but everything feels like an obligation now. im just trying to go abt life trying not to die and thats pretty much it.

[pwblogarchive]

May 2009

May 24, 2009

“varnish on the table that will last longer than us all…”

in my asymmetrical and non-linear understanding (misunderstanding of) the past few years are only like a dog who bites someones hand. its reflex, by the time the newspaper is swatted at it, its too late the dogs has forgotten everything but shame and self defeat- but not the why. so tail between the legs we circle the yard we just want to come back inside where we can hear the laughs and cheers of the people world going on with out us. its not everything thats different that makes us tick, its the way we hold on to the normal parts of us. we need them most. they are the processing drive that essentially keeps us alive. we need society so that we can sit just at the edge of it and critique it but every once in awhile we need to sneak in and warm ourselves on the fire. there is a grace to rolling, to the perfect spiral. but there is no grace in going end over end. its an amusement park ride at best- but at worst it is light and dark, dawn and dusk, spinning end over end so fast that it becomes a blur. the great black sadness poison and beaks and all and the warming sun just become the same. its that lithium point. the drooling effect. zombie. been going through kitchens and back doors for awhile now, so youd never know. feel like im walking around with a sign on my back of some kind. every one i know wants to take me in, to pull me aside for that all important conversation where i figure me out- we pull out of perspective- maybe i dont want to figure me out. maybe every time you thank me, i feel like ive pulled the rug out from under you. every time you curse me, i quietly applaud because you know what? maybe youre right. maybe they all are. snag. hit a snag. always do. turn over a new leaf, fuck it turn over the whole tree. itll be a new day all the bodies hanging from the branches will be buried in beautiful ceremonies. and besides well finally have roots. something to dig in to. ive forgotten most everyone i ever cared for if they dont keep tabs on me. not saying that should come as much of a surprise its just me. i dont want to clear up any confusion. i dont want to clarify black or white, im totally entranced with the idea of remaining gray. and if my eyes pour its just for the garden that is its lashes. nothing more. cause really its just that newspaper swat and i couldnt remember for the life of me what ive done or where ive been thats got me shaking to my karmic bone. the "h.m.s. sinking" feeling is sneaking up on me. thats what you get in open waters, right? royal navy to the crown prince of pointlessness. you got addicted to the blur. its the stage. its the plane. its the kiss. its the strut. and when it all slows down its just you in a room so dark you cant even tell how big it is. been asleep so long ive forgotten my name. stumble. the night has a plan. if not the night has a point: "if you cant remember it why would you ever miss the blur?" think of all the in-betweens. knuckles numb from the walls youve puched, knees buckling from all the legs youve loved. all the toasts weve made. all the hugs. blow past the exit sign. the exist sign. were ticking. were wicks sparking....

May 28, 2009

“what do you want to call it?”

i got that midnight tennis elbow

the solitaire rugburn

took a turn (an ace up my sleeve)

i want to choke (u)

and get sick off of you like secondhand smoke

ya got me sweating like calcutta nights

such a sweet epiphany

i am a wing

i am a prayer

a thimble and an acorn

a promise from a poor apocathary- to an understudy in love forlorn

ill give you heatstroke

im getting you and im losing me

wed get legendary lil darlin, uh huh lil darlin

but ive got a nomadic head

i love ya but ive caught the doom and the dread

[smileymoth]

venting 👍.

I desperately yearn to create a story that is in depth and has a start a culmination and an end, i have the ability to create really in depth characters, i can plan out their entire lives, but because most characters who i create are just boring people whose lives aren't interesting they don't really get those types of stories. I can write autobiographies of my ocs and one shots of them going out or something, but i lack the brain for actually worthy storylines. It makes me miserable. I just want to create something that would be worth it, that would have depth instead of being just a pretty picture to look at. I get a lot of validation and praise but because im so self critical and nothing i ever do is special enough ill never really accept any of it. I just kind of feel like a fraud with everything i do. Nothing i do is interesting enough, nothing is new enough, nothing is worth the time. I dont really see value in what i do i guess because it has no capital value. I dont know hwy ive based my worth around if i could make it into a career. I guess its because i really dont want to get a normal job, i think it would kill me. But i also know that im not enough to ever achieve what i dream. Im so worried about the ending i dont even know the plot or whatever that flatsound song title was. Literally me. I try create but then i get stuck because its not good enough, and i quit. Becuase i cant figure it out perfectly. Because theres no point in finishing somrthing that has no value. Especially when it comes to writing/comics. I shouldve gone to study estonian fr fr what am i doing in the media dep when i cant even put together a coherent story or make a compelling poster . im kind of just a fraud and a lot of wasted potential because my ego gets in the way of existing because i cant take criticism without falling apart at the seams aproximarely 4 months later because ive sown it into my brain wrinkes by thinking about it on the daily . Its all my own fault but i dont think i can change it. I just need to accept it at one point and become a regular person who works an office job. At least id have regular income. I dont know. I want to drop out but i wont because then ill have no purpose in life. Ill enjoy feeling like i have something to live for while it lasts before it becomes a blur of getting a job (if theyd even hire me ever considering i have no working experience beside freelance and being a hotel room cleaner for 2 months) going to work going home going to sleep waking up going to work etc etc etc like every normal adult . I just wish i didnt get so depressed thinking about being alive but what can you do . Im not skilled enough to become a designer, i have no networking for it, and i hate marketing.

I used to think id die before 40 and tjen that slowly left because damn 40 is sooo young but now im back where i dont think ill make it past that age. So ive probably already wasted all my potential and chances of ever becoming anything. I just dont see the point of being alive really. And i also dont understand why ive been spiralling again. Nothing is wrong. But everytime i think about creating something i just get the desperate need to hurt myself because itll never be anything up to standard. And its all my own fault. Yay. I think i deserve to be miserable st this point because im not even attempting to get better. Im just alive for no reason. Im kind of dead already to myself . I ❤️ self punishment over menial things that nobody else cares about. Worst part im aware how stupid and overdramatic i sound, but i also cant help but believe it all to be true because why wouldnt it be. It makes so much sense to me

[lifeoflustandwonder]

Just a vent - ignore me (or don't).

Ive got such heavy imposter syndrome right now.

I am so very in love with my boyfriend, I love him so much it actually hurts my soul. He knows this, I know this. I know this to the depths of my being that nothing has ever felt so right so fast and I just cant believe it.

But i've been alone for the last year and a half, I am so very sure of myself when im alone its ridiculous. I have anxiety, but when im alone or not in a relationship I still have the anxiety, but it isnt there as heavily as there isnt any pressure.

Right now? I feel rife with it. Not because there is a problem, but my god the pressure of being with someone again is unmatched.

There is nothing this man does wrong, he dotes on me, he cares for me, he thinks of me in everything he does and vice versa, and I him. Ive been in two long term relationships. The first was 4 years, I left that relationship to be with my ex of 6.5 years.

The last year and a half is the first time ive been truly single and I have THRIVED. And its wild because I was ready to pack it in with dating until I met this man. Like id been fucking around and having a lot of fun, but id always been searching for a spark. Like I know I am happy on my own, so finding someone wasnt the end goal. Sure its nice to be with someone, I am a lover relationship girlie after all. However I enjoy dating and chatting and meeting people, Im also a huge nympho. So the random sex was always fun too. But I guess in my head I was like yeah i'll click with someone, itll happen. It got to the point where the meaningless sex was actually getting kind of boring. I was sick of explaining to people where Im from 1-3 times a week (Im currently living across the continent from home). I understand it comes with the territory of dating, but I was getting bored regardless because no one ever stuck.

But This man was actually my last stab at it, my thought process was 'go on this date, if it doesnt work out you can just continue to be on your own and itll all work itself out, its no stress, you're 27'. Naturally and weirdly it worked itself out with him being what feels like the literal love of my life.

I was going to delete all the apps and call off anything else I had going on after this date if it absolutely bombed or just wasnt anything special. It was the opposite, it was the best date Ive ever been on.

I've never been happier. But what I've discovered comes with this after being on my own and really thriving in being alone is that I just dont feel like I deserve him. I dont understand how someone like me, managed to get someone like him.

I am very sure of myself, I have so much love for myself and I know my worth. But its almost overwhemling how well he treats me, and maybe its because I dont feel like i've been in a healthy relationship until now. My last relstionship was pretty toxic by the end. So having him treat me this way I feel like I dont do enough for him.

Its actually fucking wild because I really pride myself on being a 'strong independant woman' as it was. One of the first times we met was because he didnt want me to walk home from work at 11pm in the rain for 40 minutes. He told me to stop being a 'strong independant woman for 10 minutes and let me come and pick you up and drop you home'. So I did, I let my guard down, and im really glad I did.

It just means Im in this really fucking weird headspace of whether or not I actully deserve this man. Like I KNOW I do, I deserve this kind of treatment so much. Much I just worry I'm not good enough for him because he's that good.

How backwards is that? Imagine not feeling good enough for your man because he treats you so well that you know you deserve the treatment but also he's so fucking great you don't think you deserves someone like him? like wtf is that? The heaviest conflict in my brain ever.

I would give him the entire world on a platter if I could. He gets princess treatment too. And rightly so, he deserves nothing less.

But that still doesnt stop my brain from telling me I dont deserve someone like him, even when I know I do.

I just hope I can gain the confidence in this to recognise that I do deserve this.

This is just my anxiety making me doubt if im treating him well enough, if he feels loved enough. Im going to ask him later for sure because I need to hear it from his mouth myself.

Honestly I dont have any doubt in the relationship, like I know he wants to be with me and I him. But I just want to know Im doing enough for him.

Im afraid of him leaving me, maybe thats what it is.

Every other man in my life has left me, why not another you know?