#How do I emotionally attach myself to a set of characters now that my heart belongs to the USS Hephaestus?

[officer-achilles]

SO sad that I got into Wolf 359 as my first venture into story-driven podcasts because now nothing will ever compare- why would I start with the best podcast of all time?!?!?

[alexissara]

What A Year For Games! Top 10 Games of 2023 For Little Lesbians Like me!

I am on and off again with video games often switching between years where I am really into games and years where I am snoozing but I started to dedicate myself to finding and sharing more sapphic art so people can stop saying it doesn't exist lead me to playing tons more games and wow I played so many fucking amazing games this year it was an extremally hard year to pick a top 10 games. Now these aren't a top 10 sapphic games, it's just the best 10 games of the year, on an objective scale because I am the goddess of this world and there for right. Not all of these games will have come out in 2023, it's games I played in 2023 why limit ones self?

These games are roughly in order by how confident I am to put them on this list but each of these games did something different than me so I wouldn't say that a game is "better" rather than what I got out of it at the end of playing felt biggest.

Stray Gods

It's a musical, it's a video game, it's Stray Gods: The Roleplaying Musical. This game is a really fun little Greek myth story telling experience with an neat interoperation of myth and the characters to provide a fun experience to people with or without attachment to the stories. The dynamic music changing to your choices is a really cool concept although I wish more of the songs were a bop. I also wish the game explored the idea of polyamory like the Greek gods were not monogamous and I see no reason I can't kiss Freddie and Persephone in the same playthrough. What is there though is still compelling, fun, and engaging with a great set of characters across the board romanceable and not.

Pokémon Emerald Rouge

Pokabbie's amazing Pokemon Rom Hack that shows the utterly wild shit possible for Pokemon experiences we could get. It's amazingly fun to do runs of Pokemon where you catch new pokemon, fight trainers and get to then recatch that species to use in later runs. It's a really great gameplay loop that really just uses what's fun about pokemon and allows for a lot of different run customization which leads to the loop not getting stale and makes it easier to find particular pokemon you want. This was my favorite Pokémon experience this year.

Street Fighter 6

Street Fighter 6 has some of the worst monetization to date in fighting games. However, despite that it provided a lot of fun to me this year playing the base game's amazing World Tour mode and in enjoying the greatly designed new characters who I hope become Street Fighter staples. All while making my favorite SF character Juri even better with new interactions, a little bit of progress to her story and more. I hope that World Tour mode encourages a lot of other fighting game devs to step up the single player experiences in Fighting games and I also hope [as seems to be the industry trend] that "modern" controls take over. It was so nice to be able to do all the special moves consistently and more easily feel like I was in control of the game rather than feeling light I was fighting my hands to move out an input.

Drums Of War

I sure do wish a Fire Emblem game came out in 2023, it's been so long since Three Houses and Hopes is amazing but not the SRPG gameplay I came to love. Well if there was a Fire Emblem game I am sure it would have ENGAGED me, wait, there was the amazing Fire Emblem rom hack Drums Of War. Parrhesia utterly killed it with this take on Fire Emblem. The heart of the story being an emotionally damaged lesbian and the dancer with a big secret who fell for her makes for an utterly captivating romance paired with a real "war is hell" story that really does it's best to show you how fucked all sides of this conflict are until the player finally gets to forge their own path forward. Roxelana and Calista would be among my most favorite Fire Emblem lords if I was ranking them alongside all the lords of the series with both characters being utterly delightful and some charming side characters too like Estrelle. The gameplay itself aired a bit on the harder side to what I like but regardless I had a great time with the majority of maps and by the end of it I think I finally managed to get with the curve of the difficulty even if I wish there was an easier mode.

Cassette Beasts

The soundtrack alone would put this game on this list but luckily it has even more than a soundtrack. The whole cast are really charming, I totally fell for Viola and the other characters all have their own special charms. The game has plenty of faults I talked about in my review of it but despite the flaws of the game basically right until the very end where it massively declined for me this was one of the best games in all of monster tamers for me. The DLC was sadly not so great that came out later in the year but I didn't mind giving the extra money to the devs when the core game was so good. The monster taming is fun, the gameplay feels flexible enough for you to find the niche you like to play in and become really good at that niche, it allows for a lot of flexibility from folks who wanna swap partners all the time to people who will find their favorite characters and monsters and stick with them. I really hope the developers keep moving forward with Cassette Beasts and making new strives forward with their concepts because of all the indie monster tamers I've played this is leaps and strides above the rest.

En Garde!

This extremally short little romp is a compelling experience that is just a little bit longer than your average modern block buster. It's a simple and sweet swash buckling game where you play as a bisexual vigilante woman with a big crush on a sexy pirate woman trying to stop the oppressor of the people's evil schemes. Each chapter is like another adventure of Zoro short and puppy, fun and with ever so slight tension but you know the hero will come up on top. It's a really good experience and it has some great accessibility features for folks with reflex issues like me to still be able to enjoy it. The music is staller, the voice acting is fantastic, it's a great package that instead of padding itself out fills every second with greatness.

Luxaren Allure

I am a massive fan of turn based RPGs, I love getting to look at menus and think about my actions, being able to multitask while I play, enjoy a big juicy narrative and so I was very happy to play a JRPG style experience that's all about lesbians. An amazingly fun concept for a JRPG plot where one woman's beloved whom she chickened out of confessing too gets corrupted by an evil power and she is tasked with being the hero to take her out. This gives the interactions and the end goal a sense of uncertainty, will this be a sad case of tragic yuri, will she find joy with someone else, will she be able to save the woman she loves from this evil power, will she submit to the evil herself to be by her side? Everything feels uncertain with just this little angle added to a fairly typical JRPG formula. All while on the side having an adorable romance between a naga and a human girl giving us the good good lesbian sweetness between the dramatic tension.

Baldur's Gate 3

I am so often the contain, the noted hater but not on this day, nay I say, it was pretty fucking fun. The game is flawed, pretty flawed, like it's got a lot or fantasy racism shit I hate, it's tied to an IP I hate, it's got so many bugs that happened on my own run but if there is one game from this list I will probably think of the most and play the most in 2024 and beyond from this year it's probably this game. The games depth of interactivity, the wide breath of options, and the mods, oh the mods, the many many many mods, this game has so much to do and will for a very long time. It's rare to get a truly great multiplayer game and this game also provides that, this is a fantastic experience for playing online with others and makes for really great runs. Then there is the romances, oh the romances are really great, the girls are all fantastic and the side queers are super brilliant too. It's just a really fun video game and it does a good job exploring trauma and different takes on abusive relationships and overcoming [or succumbing] to them.

Thirsty Suitors

What a fucking great game, while the gameplay is mostly quick time events it does an amazing job of making each aspect of the game feel distinct from each other. While skateboarding in general kinda sucks in this game the combat and cooking all feels really great. Then there is the vocal performances and writing which are all fucking stellar. It's really great to see a fully fleshed out and fully real feeling queer woman who has had messy exes of all genders and has done a lot of fucked up things in her time. Jala's road to redemption with her family and exes all feels really great and this is a special story and I realized sometime after there is some level of variance too that I could have seen if I made some different choices. It's really great and even if it's not a dating sim like I thought it might be it's still a really great little thing. Then you factor in all the cool queer brown people in this game and wow, like I felt so scene by this game like the angry mess Tyler is speaks to my little transbian heart, the high fem lesbian struggle with family that Diya has I could feel echoed in my own life, I just, wow, it was great. I am so happy this game exists and I will likely always see this among the best narratives in all video games.

The Cosmic Wheel Sisterhood

My game of the year, The Cosmic Wheel Sisterhood fucking blew me away. In a shocking twist of fate while I complained about a lot of endings this year I didn't like my original ending for The Cosmic Wheel Sisterhood either but then that drove me to go from liking the game to loving it as I ran the game again in spite of it, fueled by spite alone I felt a sense of determination, I would change my fate! This thematic fortune telling game where you make your own cards, help people or end up seeing a fate that only hurts them, I knew how to play it, I knew the systems now, I understood how the cards worked, the truth of my powers and the price I agreed to pay and I'd use all of that to make the happiest fucking story possible for Fortuna aka ME. So I dart through the game, I help the trans woman be herself and happy, I get my hot butch girlfriend, I help everyone out with their life problems crafting only the best cards possible to make sure I can give the best fates possible and then I hit the end point, the time to pay the price. I say no, the game says, you have to, I keep saying no, and then I draw my cards again and shape fate and in that I defied fate, made an ending I could be happy with, a better world for all my fellow witches, and so my story ends with my friends back by my side [probably gonna be a polycule] and a whole lot to look forward to. What a fucking experience, what a cool fucking game.

If you want to help me enjoy more art then consider checking out my Patreon or Ko-fi .and giving me a little bit of cash so I can do more of this kind of writing but also like make lots of my own art, art is hard to make and costs money and like maintain my chronically ill and trans body also takes money so anything helps, thank you.

[lover-cook]

Valentine's Week : Familial

Ohhhh familial f/os oh my familial f/os. These guys do genuinely mean so much to me you don't even know man. I'm gonna ramble about my fictional dads and siblings to my hearts content!

I'm gonna start with the Powerful Dad Quartet!

Buggy, Mihawk, and Shanks in particular really REALLY resonate with me like. THOSE ARE MY DADS! Shanks was probably the first that I connected with like family when I watched OPLA for the first time. Then I watched Film: Red and I was sold wahah. In my head he's who hypes me up and has my back the most and that's means.. alot. Next was Buggy who happened after I started my watch of the anime and got to know him better. He reminds me a lot of the irl father figures I've had in my life, which is a trend you'll see as we go on. He's explosive and impulsive and loud and kind of an ass but that's part of the fun I think. I have problems speaking up for myself and setting boundaries especially around men so the idea of him understanding and respecting me but still being his goofy and obnoxious self is.. kind of like practicing in my head, you know? MIHAWK MY DAD MIHAWK! Okay going to be honest my connection to him mostly builds off Goth Family headcanons and inserting myself into them wahah. That doesn't mean I don't have my reason's though. Mihawk is like the soft-spoken but earnest autistic dad I didn't know I needed. The kind to listen to my rambles and interests and be supportive even if he doesn't get it at all, you know? Don't tell anyone but he's my favorite lkndalkadflnk And the most recent is Crocodile! Which I don't have enough to give proper thoughts outside of I enjoy him a lot and him being in Cross Guild was the final push to just go ahead and add him. He gives me scary-dad "my daddy's got a gun" privilege's./hj NOW I CAN TALK ABOUT MY PIRATE SIBLINGS. :D

LUFFY AND UTA MY BROTHER AND SISTER LUFFY AND UTA!

When I tell you from the BEGINNING I got some little brother energy from Luffy wahah. I can't tell you the kinship I feel with Luffy and it's not just because he also gives me gender envy. I think getting a full body arm wrap hug from him would fix me and make me the happiest person on earth. AND UTA!! I need just one movie and snacks night with her and I think we'd connect instantly. Their isn't much outside of sibling energy with these two and the connections to Shanks with both of them. I realized if Shanks is my dad these two are my brother and sister and when I tell you I WAS SO HAPPY. Absolute goobers <3 Now onto the non One Piece people!!

Silver my amazing cyborg dad Silver <3 This was probably my first emotionally charged familial f/o. I learned about Treasure Planet during the emotional rollarcoaster that was 2020 and I got attached QUICKLY! He's another one of my many fatherly f/os that really really reminds me of the father figures I've had in my real life and that effects how I interact with him. Silver was one of the few characters at the time that really said what I needed to hear, you know? I saw myself a lot emotionally in Jim and watching the pep talks he was given by Silver felt like I was getting those too. Once again I think a full body beer belly hug would fix me waha.

GLAMROCK FREDDY!!! MY SUPERSTAR!! I am not immune to big robot dad influences. For all it's faults Security Breach didn't hold any punches with the characterization of their animatronics and their is no better an example than Glamrock Freddy! I was just as affected by the "way to go Superstar!" and got attached QUICKLY! He's just such a sweetie and is such a good dad he would make sure I was so so loved and supported.

AND I NEED TO MENTION THE WACHOSKI'S !!! This group genuinely gives me such soft and sunshiney feelings for a family that only exists in two movies (not to say I don't connect with Tails and Knuckles outside of the movies but them in this family format Hits Different) They are THE definition of a comfort family for me and I can't help at look and Maddie and Tom and see parents, you know? They bring me such a sense of childlike joy and carefreeness that's unparalleled. And Tails, Knuckles, and Sonic are so like. Sweet and realistic in the sense of being siblings, you know? I would gladly sign up to be the nerdy but cool older siblings in their group. I wear the badge of being the one to get us out of trouble like a BADGE!

And some honorable mentions to Astrid, Giovanni, and Wukong as well even though I don't have the time to talk about them too much! A lot of my familial f/os come from a place of projection and healing from my unhealthy home life growing up and these three mean a lot to me in that way. Giovanni and Astrid really really remind me of my own mother and the father figures in my life and through them I come to understand that more and help myself feel better about that situation I was put in. And Wukong reminds me a lot of an unperfect dad who's at least trying and learning and growing as a person as well as being a male role model I didn't get to have.

[stardust-in-my-mind-blog]

some grand self mythology

when I look back over my life

I realize how little true peace and safety

I have actually been able to feel around people

in whatever home I ended up in

it never felt like I grew up in a home

it felt like I just kind of showed up

never really belonged but had to work there

deny the reality of my experience and the characters in it

keep all the secrets even if they hurt me

I always seemed to do a lot of more things than everyone else

but when I succeeded they were upset and mean

and when I brought it up I was always wrong

I never felt the right way

I didn't even think the right way

and it's a cycling pattern I have just been swimming through

suspended in time and raw perceptions of a reality

I never get to acknowledge and everyone denies

no wonder I confused role playing with self-preservation

no wonder it took performance art to understand myself

I built my identity around the idea I am called by duty

to be kind and fair and level-headed and generous

mostly because I never had an example of that growing up

my mother couldn't contain her rage and beat it into me

my father couldn't contain his own emotions let alone mine

let's just say co-regulation or really any sort of regulation

wasn't much of a theme with the generations who raised us

I become who I am because of what I didn't want to be

when things start to become challenging I begin to

edit and rearrange all the elements I'm working with

the problem with that is that I forget the whole story

or the part I'm working on or the plot and setting

and I'm distracted by the connections I make in my own mind

learning how to drop my awareness into my body has helped

it used to be unsafe to live in my body because I'd have

all these emotions and be forced not to express them

completely on fire and punished if I showed it

my youngest used to say over and over and over

"daddy, don't hurt mommy. mommy, don't be mad."

you don't get to be mad when I hurt you

you don't get to raise your voice when I refuse to hear you

you don't get to be a priority or upset about not being one

in a relationship that it purely exists for partnership

I never fucking had a partner I always had another child

while raising children under a system of perfectionism

under men who said they loved me and then became their fathers

refused to see the dysfunction in their modeling

and I was the one who crawled bleeding out of the ruin every time

less than what I was when I began but determined to be more

yesterday I promised myself an entire day of self care

and I observed how often my mind tried to tell me

that I should be doing something productive for the family unit

the house was empty and it never is

and I never want it to be all the time

but the silence was literally euphoric

I knew there was not one soul who would need me

that I could let myself nap or draw and spend time in my journals

to listen to music and daydream about things that made me smile

every time I found myself feeling anxious for being so "selfish"

I would place my hand on my belly and breathe

remind my heart that everything was safe and I got to exist

just exactly how I was and there was no sin for it

and I had to do this multiple times to keep the flow

it reminds me just how much pressure had been put upon me

how deep the self-doubt was forced into my very skin

by the words of people who benefit from me

being fully detached from myself or sense of it

as I write this I feel my heart light completely on fire

bursting into a righteous flame that wants to destroy

the source of such filthy injustice and cruelty

I place my palm over it and breathe until it turns back to green

I'm now realizing just how many counterweights have been attached

to all of these emotions so that I've been forced to face them

I've been forced to doubt my own emotional good-nature

and then projected upon the coercive behavior patterns of others

all the while trying to meet all the needs of the household

physically and emotionally stimulated in negative ways

while my intellect was chronically devalued and dismissed

what an absolute shit of a situation

thank fuck the chapter is closing just like the lion's portal

does that mean I'm finally going to be stepping out of the cave?

I guess only I can be answer to that question

and I'll answer it with dynamite, a match, and a half sort of smile

and I am not singing a song you're gonna like at all

it makes him so angry when I laugh in his face at his delusions

oh, is this how it used to feel? the energy transfer?

you used to feed by punching me in the scars you told me

I needed to heal while denying your own past and reality

I hope everything I do in this next battle

feels like getting emotionally punched in the balls over and over

I absorbed all your tricks just so I can use them against you

I just enchanted them a bit so I can look good doing it

you did some bad things, baby, but I'm the worst of them

and I'll bet every time you say my name

and as the mother of your child you're gonna have to

when your mouth says my name it will create a storm

like the one you finally inspired inside me to rip off the hinges

of every damn door you tried to lock me behind with your arrogance

too bad you can't force someone to lose their intelligence

you can just create a toxic fog that keeps them in oblivion

but one of us isn't oblivious anymore and it happens to be

the one who spent her whole life in hell and the forest

and neither one particularly cares if you survive

and they always have someone to take care of the corpses

so let's get real about something, okay?

when I devoted myself and my little dragonlings

to your life and your name and your legacy

I enlisted and gave myself willingly and completely

that's how I do love and marriage and relationships

if my children are involved the stakes are highest

you can fuck with me but say your prayers if you fuck with my kids

and you always made sure to let me know much of a burden

having to do things or take care of them financially was to you

please understand this divorce will be

where you and my documented experience with you

is going to be judged and seen fully by the court

according to the laws of this fine country

and a professional advocate that is only in my corner

and not at all thinking about your opinions

or what you think is fair and your emotional immaturity shows

when you say I have to take my ex to court too

because I never made him pay child support

honey, your mother's enmeshment wound is showing

I don't have to do shit according to anything you want

especially when it comes to my agreements and relationships

I just want I deserve according to how you treated me

and I put it fully into the capable hands of the law

you're losing control of the narrative that you so clumsily

crafted in the thoughtless way you kind of do everything

you're starting to feel the fear, aren't you?

that's why you're sending me paragraphs of offers

also all my rabbits are fucking dead

so trying to send me videos of a rabbit doesn't help you

sometimes I think I'm most mad because now that I see you

really fucking look at you without the gleam of lost potential

I realize how twisted it is the way you use your intelligence

you are your grandfather's son

I am my granddaughter's daughter

your family raised poodles and mine raised dobermans

the winner of that area is pretty easy to predict

to think you can use the same shit you tore holes in me with

and somehow walk away unscathed after using

my dignity as something to walk all over with muddy shoes

and never once thinking to clean up after yourself

maybe your mother can actually teach you life skills

she seemed to have forgotten to while she was catering

constantly to your critical deaf dad who didn't learn

sign language so he didn't have to see what his neglect did

at least she could lash out at me like I was the problem

it's okay because being a scapegoat to a dysfunctional family

is exactly how I was brought up to be treated

I didn't know how to surround myself with people

who encourage me and show me an honest but positive mirror

but I'm learning how to do that now

I will not regress or pull up my drawbridge

when I feel like clawing my skin off and shutting everything down

I will commit more to my personal power

I will release my shame and release my fear daily

I took on a helluva lot from you

and now you can fucking have it back

I now have as much concern for your reputation

and the exposure of your flaws and faults

as you seemed to have for mine last summer

when you triangulated everyone you knew against me

just so you could feel like you were justified in your actions

the betrayal doesn't hurt anymore but it used to

after a couple days of solitude I am very aware of what I'm losing

and the liberty feels like the sky is brand fucking new

one of us is a very unreliable narrator

one of us is insulted when our behaviors are described objectively

one of us wouldn't know the definition of responsibility

if it didn't mean just having to get dressed and walk into an office

the queen can move everywhere on the board

you tend to move more like a pawn

so uncalculated and never thinking about your opponent

or the future and how it will all end up playing out

in fact, you only listened to me for something to use

to try and undermine me later with

and I fell for it because I trusted you

then I wanted to trust you to keep my kid in my life full time

and now I want this all to be over so I only have to deal with you

in texts that I get to decide when to answer to

which will be a real problem for you because incompetent urgency

seems to be your favorite language

when really it's a symptom of all things you're going to learn

and it's going to be very very painful for you

and it's nice knowing I don't have to be there for you

I blew up that ship like Iris in the Aenaeid

you still think of our relationship and the space we shared

as a place where you got to grow and be seen

I think of the space we share like a pool of acid

that I could only escape by singing in the shower

all diamonds are made with impossible pressure

and I'm glad I used it to hone some talents

you killed the woman you married and I burned her body

you look me in my eyes and see a person who no longer exists

that's really going to bite you in the ass

and while you're running around squealing

please pause just long enough to see me

press my fingertips to my lips and and then wave goodbye

as everything around us explodes

I'm not worried because I'm fireproof

and you made sure I have nothing to lose

[buckyownsmylife]

Worst Behavior - Chris Evans smut

The one where it was supposed to be a sex scene, but Chris fucked you for real - and he didn’t care that your boyfriend was watching

Warnings: infidelity (reader cheats on oc boyfriend with Chris), smut, exhibitionism, public sex, dirty talk, angst.

Word count: 1.7K

A/N: thank you to my ride or die, @sweetkingdomstarlight-blog​ for looking this over and giving me her thoughts about it. Writing is such a better process with you to scream about it!

Chris’ P.O.V.

I was seething when I burst through her trailer’s door, so out of my mind that the sight of her raising a hand over her heart, clearly startled, didn’t make me feel even remotely guilty.

“So this is it, huh? We’re gonna film this one last scene, and then you’ll be back by his side, like you and I were nothing, like I never even mean anything to you.” Somewhere inside my troubled mind, a tiny, still emotionally sober part of me saw her wiping a stray tear after it immediately fell from her eye, clearly not wanting to show this sign of weakness in front of me.

But again, I was too out of it to care. I wanted her to hurt, I wanted her to feel the pain that I was feeling, after all she put me through. How could she expect me to leave this set like I was the same man that met her? She had fundamentally changed me, by showing me how to love and be loved, how it was possible to find in a single person the answer to all of my needs and desires for my future.

I couldn’t just go on pretending I didn’t know what I knew now. But that’s what she intended to do. She wanted to leave and keep living in the pretense that nothing had changed, that she was still in love with the man waiting for her on set.

I knew for a fact that wasn’t the case. I knew it because there was no way my feelings were one-sided, no way everything we had gone through had only mattered that much to me. I knew her, probably better than I knew myself. And I knew this was all just fear and anxiety, clouding her mind and stopping her from going after what she truly wanted.

Unfortunately, the only way I could process these emotions at the moment was through anger.

“Is that how you see me?” Her sweet voice surprised me, I didn’t expect her to actually respond to my hurt-filled accusations. “Do you think I’m that cruel, that I would just be able to… to leave and forget you like this?”

I huffed, too inside my own mind to relent now. Yes, this is how I saw her, at least at that moment. She was the cause of my hurt, because she was the object of my desires.

“You’re doing this out of your own free will,” I reminded her. “Don’t try to pretend you’re just some innocent little victim in all of this. You have our fate in your hands, and you’re deciding to let it all go to waste.”

At the sight of tears rolling down her cheeks, my decision to leave was made even before she ordered me out of her trailer. I couldn’t stand to see her cry, couldn’t deal with the knowledge that I was the cause for it.

So, once again, I turned that distress into anger.

Y/N’s P.O.V.

The air was chilly on set, and the fact that I was practically naked under the robe didn’t help. Neither did the tension between Chris and I. I wanted to make things right, I wanted to reach over and run my hands over his shoulders, relax the muscles I’d come to know so well. But I couldn’t do that right now. Not with my boyfriend watching us.

So I resigned myself to fiddling with my fingers as we waited for the set to be ready. Since it was one of those artistic sex shots, it would be filmed from a distance and there wouldn’t be any lines or sounds that we had to make, just movements to simulate. Which meant that the few people that were allowed to stay on the set had to watch the whole thing unfold from afar, and we would be free to fake having sex while they filmed us.

I don’t think I realized this could very well be the last time I had Chris this close to me until I had his mouth on mine again. I could still feel the emotions from earlier that day right beneath the surface, boiling his blood as he buried his hand on my hair and devoured my lips like he’d done so many times before.

Good thing the scene called for desperation.

I kissed him back just as desperately, wanting to enjoy every second of this experience, even if it wasn’t exactly what I desired at that time. Chris always kissed me so well, guiding me to where he wanted, and in no time at all he had me sprawled on the bed, underneath his larger body. I couldn’t help but to moan lowly when his lips attached themselves to my jaw, and I felt his smirk against my skin.

I couldn’t blame him. The effect he had on me was incomparable. He had every right to be smug about the sounds he could pull from me, Lord knows I’d cried out his name enough times to permanently puncture my own ear drums.

And still, it didn’t seem like it would be enough. The more he touched me - even if it was under a blanket, for a scene - the clearer it became that it could never be enough. I still wanted him. I wanted him forever, in fact.

But just as the realization occurred to me, his thumb slipped over my covered clit, pressing on the little nub and making me jerk away in surprise. “Shhh…” He directed, making sure to cover my face with his bicep so the camera wouldn’t catch my shock. “Just relax so it doesn’t hurt.”

I didn’t understand what he meant until I felt him pulling the flimsy excuse of underwear aside. That’s when my cunt pulsed, just before he positioned his cock and easily slid right into my wetness.

The feeling of his thickness was too much, especially when I wasn’t expecting it. My mouth fell open in a silent gasp, and he moved his arm so the camera could see it, but also turned his head to the other side so they wouldn’t notice his lips moving as he murmured to me, “Careful, sweetheart. Can’t make any real sounds. Not like the ones I usually pull from you. Wouldn’t want your boyfriend to realize that we’re actually doing it, huh?”

Chris’ P.O.V.

My desire for her ran so deep, I could hear my blood pumping in my veins as I fucked her right in front of her boyfriend. Right in front of everyone from the filming crew, for the camera to see.

I took sick pleasure in knowing this moment would be eternalized for history. Everyone would see just how pretty she looks for me and only for me, and no one would ever know the truth.

No one would ever know the truth. That I had her, that she was mine, but only for a bit. That I got to hold her, and have her screaming my name, but I’d never get to hear it again. I’d never get to have her again.

I didn’t want to have to pretend that I forgot it. Like I didn’t know this other side of her, that we never shared these sexual experiences that felt much more intimate than anything I’d ever shared with anyone else before.

It was hard to pretend that I didn’t care underneath the mask of a character that cared too much, because I was that character. I loved this woman just like he did, and I wanted to show her just how much.

I’d looked for her in everyone I’d met before. Slept with so many women, went out on so many dates, and now here she was, clenching around my cock, reaching for my hand and still, she wasn’t mine.

How can you keep looking for the love of your life if you’ve already met them?

And even if there was emotion - and there was so much emotion, ours or of our characters, it didn’t matter anymore - this felt so dirty, dirtier than anything else we’d ever done before.

I’d had her in so many ways, and still, having her now, right in front of him, brought new feelings I never expected to feel. And I couldn’t suffer through them alone. I needed to make sure she’d acknowledged it too.

“He has no idea, you know,” I whispered, low enough so the only person who could hear was her. Her eyes met mine in surprise, but she kept in character, while I took advantage of my position to taunt her more. “No one has. No one knows you only look like this when you have my dick inside of you.”

A moan broke free from her, making me smile inwardly even though I couldn’t smirk like I wanted to. I let go of one of her hands to push a few strands of hair away from her face, so both the camera and I could get a good vision of her expression.

“You’re such a good girl for me, honey. He could never get you like this. Only I can do that.” The way she clawed at my back made it obvious that I was right. And still, the reality of our situation didn’t allow for me to feel any sort of pride in that.

I didn’t want to stop. I didn’t want to cum and have to pull out of her, let her go back to him and their life as I was left by myself. “I can’t let you go,” I admitted, and her eyes opened up to meet mine, a slight sparkle of understanding in them. “Not like this,” I continued. “Not ever.”

And still, my hips picked up the pace and brought us to that old familiar high, right when I came to terms with the fact that I’d have to leave her. “Baby,” I whispered, this time knowing the microphone would pick it up.

Our eyes connected once more, but this time, there was mostly pain, from my gaze and from hers. I stood there for as long as I could, thumbs brushing over her cheekbones, until the director’s voice freed us from the scene, and then I was forced to leave.

Before I did though, I had one last thing to say.

“I don’t want to have to miss you.”

One thing was certain. It would be impossible to remain professional during the press conference.

[elfsone]

Final thoughts on KP

Just want to preface this by saying that I am not one of those people who had waited for 2 years for this and had to go through all the drama of them getting shelved etc. Hence I have absolutely no emotional attachment to this show. But if you are one of those people who have waited and this is the most perfect little thing for you, you do you! God knows I have my own favorites and comfort pieces of media/music, which may not be ‘objectively’ great, but I would fight till my last breath for. 

Secondly, I am relatively new to the world of BLs. Started watching during the pandemic, probably have only watched 6-7 shows in all. So I am watching it just like any other show. I don’t have many points of references to talk about how groundbreaking this is or how they have improved upon the shortcomings or problems associated with this genre. (What I can say is that it is way better than 2gether😜)  

Phew okay! I believe that the show was carried by the great acting. Usually the side characters can break the experience but everyone in this show was a very good actor. (My personal favorite has to be build playing pete. More on that maybe sometime later). Also the cinematography, sets, lighting etc etc were really good! The show had a big budget and it showed. Most of the shots were artistic and beautiful. But I have to say the writing on the show was weak. Now that may be the problem of the source material as I have seen multiple posts saying that novel was trash and boc has done a great job in interpreting it. I have personally not read the novel (I have only read the vegaspete side stories), so I can’t comment on that. While the story can’t be changed a lot, what could be improved upon was the pacing. The pacing in the show was really off. A lot of the times things felt unnecessarily stretched out and you are left wondering what actually happened in this ep. I caught myself getting distracted one too many times especially during the later eps. This is not an american tv show with multiple seasons. They did not have the luxury of time. This is the reason, some characters or arcs could not be fleshed out very well which dampened the experience. Some eps could have done with tighter editing and better writing. Like I honestly could care less about what happened to porsche’s mom as we were not invested in that person at all. While I understand that according to the novel timeline, this arc had to come after everything happens but how am I supposed to feel sympathy for a character I met 10 mins ago! Porsche has also never really talked about his parents, so him seeing his mother alive after all this time did not hit emotionally at all. Kim crying over chay’s polaroids... when did he fall that hard? Should we cry with him? Torture scenes interspersed with people partying in a club had me reeling.

I also could not wrap my head around the extreme tonal shifts that happened out of the blue. Some comedy scenes were really good, one that comes to mind is introduction of tankhun. Khun in his pink bath robe holding his dead fish. Amazing. But most of the time comedy scenes felt contrived and jarring mostly because they occurred when you least expected them too and they really took you out of the moment. For eg, recently in ep 14, when vegas is about to shoot porsche calling him kinn’s heart, a well done emotional scene is cut by a toy car with pink balloon?! (Please tell me this does not happen in the novel! I’ll bang my head against the damn wall!). I entered this show with no background and randomly coming across the trailer made me think it was going to be a dark gritty show set in the underworld which it is absolutely not. I imagined kinn’s character living the life of kim(living a double life) or vegas (traumatised by this life). But that’s on me. Future viewers should note that this is first and foremost a sweet love story. The main hero happens to be in the mafia. 

The final point is that the main cp did not hit it off with me. A big problem for me was that they reduced these two rich characters- a mafia heir battling his demons and trying to please his father and an orphan boy working hard to survive in this world and provide for his brother- to just two boys in love. Kinn and porsche lost all personality and character except being boyfriends. Before y’all come at me for being a cynic who hates romance, I just wanna put out that cherry magic is one of my favorite shows of all time. Ok now cue the boos. For me the problem with kinnporsche is not their lovey-doveyness but their absolute lack of communication and trust. Call me a prude but problems are not solved by having sex. Kinn called porsche a slut, did not tell his plans about tawan to porsche and put him in jail, porsche spied on kinn’s meeting and did not apologize, porsche ran away with kinn’s enemy etc etc. Most of these conflicts culminated in them having sex. While those scenes were beautiful cinematographically, I couldn’t get into them as that was not the resolution I wanted. But ALL the praise to mile and apo (esp apo, his experience shines through). I firmly believe that this ship is so popular because of their great acting and phenomenal chemistry. They really looked like two men in love.

I really enjoyed the vegaspete cp. I was initially drawn to vegas’ charcater, he seemed to be a layered and complex villain. That’s why I read the vp side story after ep 6 or 7. Then pete came out to be an even more interesting and complex character and I really fell in love both of the charcaters individually before I loved them together as a couple. As I have read their story, I would say that the relationship did seem rushed. I wish we could get some of their sweet moments from the novel (I know they are just the side couple but just an extra 15-20 mins spread out over 3 eps would have done the job). Just so we could understand the depths of their love. We needed to see what pete was missing when he left and not just kinky sex. (Someday when my tears have dried up and I am tired of rewatching their scenes, I will do a bigger post on vegaspete)

Kim and chay were interesting. Whatever scenes they had they were really good. You could feel chay’s teenage love and kim’s inhibitions. I needed some more time (time again huh? one thing we didn’t have :P) to be really invested in their relationship. I really liked kim as a character. What or why was he investigating, I still have no clue.

But all in all, it was good show (I know, after all that!?). It provided good entertainment, great to binge watch. Personally not very high rewatch value for me.

Fave eps- Ep3, Ep7

Fave Character- Vegas, Tankhun

Fave Actor- Build, Apo

[ramblingguy54]

Sonic & Tails R: A Love Letter To Miles Tails Prower’s Characterization

     Warning: This will contain massive spoilers for the short radio play series of Sonic & Tails R. If you haven’t listened to the radio play yet on Youtube, I’d highly recommend any hardcore Sonic fan who hasn’t seen it check it out. It’s one Hell of a treat.

     For as far back as I can remember in my childhood, Tails’ story of trying to step outta Sonic’s shadow has been such a resonating one for myself. Even when I was a much younger kid playing my Dreamcast, during entries like Sonic Adventure 1 & 2, there was some idea lingering about why Tails just stood out more emotionally in his journey to grow beyond depending on Sonic all the time for help. Now here I am a young adult in my late twenties having such a deeper appreciation of this little two tailed genius kiddo because he’s got an important element that’s made him so beloved for good reason.

     In spite of his genius being a rival to that of Eggman’s high IQ and of course proving to surpass it plenty of times when scenarios boil down to being a high stakes battle, Miles Tails Prower beneath it all is still just like any one of us. We’re all trying to find our place in this world about what defines us for who we are as unique people. He wants to be more than just seen as someone who’s alongside Sonic The Hedgehog’s never say die attitude, but prove he’s plenty capable of standing on his own two feet to protect everything the kid holds dear to himself. Underdog stories, when they’re naturally executed very well, can reel me in so easily. They are very much my bread & butter trope I adore seeing.

     To no one’s surprise, the two Sonic Adventure’s iterations portrayal of Tails’ characterization are hands down some of my favorite writing for the two tailed fox, regarding what the 3D era has done toward him, development wise. It gave him more of an existential struggle to endure like, “What happens when Sonic isn’t around to help stop Eggman? What if I’m not strong enough to accomplish what he can?”, making Tails plight to be seen as an equal all the more endearing when stopping Eggman in his climatic battle against the Egg Walker in Station Square. This here is a great use of a timeless lesson you can apply in life that if you set you heart and mind on anything, there isn’t a thing you can’t accomplish on your own, which is why many fell in love with Sonic Adventure 1 & 2′s writing for Miles Tails Prower’s journey of independence.

     As someone who comes from a large family tree of relatives, I feel the weight of my existence on my shoulders at a number of points more than I’d care to count, admittedly. Seeing Tails struggle with his sense of purpose, in contrast to observing how much Sonic has accomplished with his carefree, yet deeply compassionate attitude, means the world to me in watching another trying to comprehend their value as a whole on how much they matter, overall. This is a big part of why my fondness for SA1 & 2′s quality has never wavered over these years, besides still obviously enjoying most of their game play mechanics. People can try to debate to their heart’s content on whether the Adventure games still hold up in their own eyes, but I’ll always respect them for how they tried to develop certain characters, such as Tails, Gamma, and Shadow The Hedgehog notably, to attempt expanding upon their characters, as well as world building.

     I won’t bother going into a rant about how Sonic’s recent 3D games have butchered Tails’ personality & relatable nature, due to the current writers in charge of handling the cast of characters. More or less, I greatly empathize toward the notion many have already stated about Tails being so cowardly and God forbid, looking at Lost World, downright severely mean spirited. Rather, I’m obviously writing this lengthy post to breakdown why Sonic & Tails R succeeds, where these certain 3D games have greatly faltered in exploring Tails’ emotional dilemmas as an insecure, yet still having the courage to prove himself, talented boy full of hidden potential he doesn’t quite realize, until his back is against the wall in life threatening situations.

“That day, I realized I couldn’t depend on you forever. Not that I can’t depend on you, but like, “What happens when Sonic isn’t here?”, you know?”

     Sonic & Tails R further delves into this fundamental rule of what has defined Tails in Sonic Adventure 1 & 2′s stories of events where Sonic wasn’t there to aid his best bud in taking down Eggman’s evil efforts for global domination, most importantly his fear of defending the Earth without his role model. Besides what I already stated in SA1′s events in Station where he stopped the Egg Walker, as well as the missile Eggman launched from detonating before their climatic battle, Tails watched Sonic blow up in ARK’s capsule presuming him to be dead after Sonic imparted how much faith he has in the kid’s abilities to be truly strong in the face of any foe. Sonic & Tails R manages to use fan service in a way that doesn’t feel like “pandering” for the sake of it, using this past canon material to do more of an in-depth study about Miles’ anxieties of existing without Sonic.

     Wouldn’t put it past them if EmuEmi & crew were using SA2′s Sonic death fake out scene in that space capsule to further add trauma to Tails’ psychological attachment to Sonic, as well as his insecurities of depending on him too much, to boot. While it’s never obviously outright stated in their radio play, I definitely believe they were factoring this element into adding dramatic exploration for why Tails is so self-conscious about the worst case scenario of permanently losing Sonic. Watching Sonic supposedly die put Tails into a deeper state of self-reflection, so I very much enjoyed how they went using these past events to create a thorough exploration about him learning just as it’s important to realize you need to stand up for yourself without using someone else as a crutch all the time, it’s doubly important to remember there’s nothing wrong about asking someone for help when you’re about to be down and out with little options left.

     Sonic & Tails R beautifully builds upon the foundation these two games’ stories left behind years ago, creating new damn great material to explore with the most iconic characters of this cast, Sonic & Tails brotherly dynamic. I’ve been praising Sonic & Tails R out the wazoo for how well it captured Tails underdog story of overcoming death defying odds, but it managed to remind me how simply adorable and outright wonderfully endearing their brotherly chemistry is as a whole. This is a big friendly reminder Sonic isn’t all about being cocky wise cracking character making meta jokes left and right, but he can be plenty capable of showing serious compassion to anyone he values as an ally and friend. This is no greater evident, than with him verbally lifting Tails up in his time of need when he’s self-depreciating his own significance. It can be seen in Episodes 2, 4, and 7 giving Tails motivational pieces of advice.

    Episode 2 In Adabat’s Cavern

-Sonic: Wasn’t it your radar that helped us find these Emerald shards in the first place? How could you be slowing us down when you’ve gotten us this far?

-Tails: But, I...

-Sonic: I could never make something like that. You’re the smartest person I know, Tails. One way or another, we’ll figure this out, count on it.

         Episode 4 In Holoska After Helping Silver Save The Chao

-Sonic: So, what was that back there? At the cave, in Adabat? -Tails: What do you mean? -Sonic: Frozen stiff. Confidence shot. It’s not like you. It was more than feeling like you were “slowing us down”, right?

        Episode 7 Inside The Egg Carrier 3

-Sonic: Let’s split up! I’ll distract them and you can go after the energy source. -Tails: You’re gonna take them on all by yourself!? Let me help, Sonic! -Sonic: No time for this, Tails. Stop overthinking and just go! If I can get their attention, I’ll take the heat off of you and that room you’re going to probably won’t have any security. Take this emerald and I’ll take the other one we have. It’ll lead me right to you after I beat these guys. -Tails: O-Okay... -Sonic: Hold on, Tails! Listen to me. Don’t stop moving and be careful. I’ll be fine and so will you!

     Sonic & Tails R remembers the most crucial detail of their important relationship. One isn’t better than the other and needing to always rely upon that notion for helping one outta a jam, but instead showcases how they’re equals as a team/bros. Sonic may be super fast and strong, however Tails has his intelligence to analyze situations in a different angle Sonic wouldn’t necessarily consider, per say. Which isn’t to say Tails couldn’t put up a fight either, as we’ve seen in SA1 & SA2′s stories where he faced Eggman one on one with no outside help to best him at his own game of wits & strength.

     We get see the apex of this idea through Tails facing Eggman in his super improved mecha walker. Although Tails may get thrown for a loop here at first by Eggman, it’s his villainous speech about winners and losers in their world that ironically does the exact opposite of what he intended. Eggman wanted to crush Tails’ sense of self worth before finishing him off, but all it did was reignite the very lesson Sonic told him earlier before running to distract Eggman’s robotic minions. That said lesson of he’s more than capable of facing dangerous threats

-Eggman: Poor boy. We all have to learn this lesson, sooner or later. In every game there’s no one you can depend on. You’re all alone and you’re either a winner, or a loser. And as you know, loser’s lose all of their lives. Say goodbye, fox!

-Tails: You’re wrong! I can depend Sonic! I won’t let him down! I can’t because...Because he’s depending on me! And because of that I won’t lose to you!

     This radio play strikes a good balance in utilizing the grey moral area about depending on someone vs it being an unhealthy display of attachment derived from serious insecurity. Word’s can’t begin to describe how much I loved this moment to pieces because it’s oh so important for writing Tails’ characterization. If you’re going to tackle him being super self conscious about his reliance on Sonic, then you gotta remember why they are so close to one another to begin with. Sonic & Tails have an unbreakable connection, considering they’ve brought out their best qualities in themselves from being together as individuals. For Sonic, it’s his older brother compassion to Tails to bring him outta feeling melancholy. For Tails, the kid finally understands there isn’t anything wrong with depending on Sonic when he needs it most.

     After all, that’s what a real healthy friendship is all about. Whether you’re giving someone a dose of tough love, or simply a piece of motivational advice, it defines how much you truly care about someone, period. Sonic & Tails have this very same power from their bond, which is why new emeralds form from their compassionate friendship that hasn’t been shaken after all the years they’ve been together. Another detail worth noting is it adds to the lore in an impactful manner when Tikal expresses in Episode 8 about positive connections and thoughts from users of the Chaos Emeralds having a strong will & heart. Using the ideas they had for encapsulating Sonic & Tails’ dynamic to create new emeralds from their love for each other as brothers adds an emotional weight.

“So, Sonic’s not the only one who harness the power of the Chaos Emeralds? I can too!?”

“Yes, you have a strong heart! There is a power waiting to be unlocked within you, as well.”

          I’d always daydreamed about in my childhood seeing Super Sonic & Tails take down a threatening villain, whether it was Eggman or different powerful creature such as Chaos or the Biolizard. You can imagine how fucking giddy I was beyond belief to see this artwork of Episode 9′s cover for the radio play. Tails not only got to have another one on one with Eggman, but a team up with Super Sonic in his own respective Super form? Sign me the Hell up! Talk about an all you eat buffet of good writing for Tails’ journey reaching its climax. Getting to hear this play out, alongside the amazing song of Fly With Me, made it authentically feel like something straight outta if there were an installment of Sonic Adventure 3 being brought into reality, which certainly feels like it now.

     Episode 9 has so much awesome stuff with Sonic & Tails working together in their super forms. Particularly, my favorite scene is at the beginning when Sonic teaches Tails how to navigate his newly acquired speed in his respective Super form. My heart melted hearing Sonic help Tails through it all, while he was overjoyed about how fun this new form is for himself. Wholesome Sonic & Tails content is the perfect daily serotonin for me, easily. It’s an awesome fun fact to know they used a scrapped boss from Tails Tornado segment in SA1 for Eggman’s flying dragon three headed robot in their big final battle, once again using old canon material in a very effective manner to boost the quality of their fan made story.

     It’s been a real thrill to hear Mike Pollock play a straight forward serious Eggman making my day in more ways than one, considering that’s another thing I’ve been yearning for desperately besides Tails being a competent character again. His performance in Episode 9 when Eggman gave that speech about how long he’s been at odds with Sonic & Tails stubborn will power was simply excellent. The moment he told his mechanical dragon to crush them I got serious chills. That’s the Eggman I remember and grew up with. He could be a hammy villain sure, but Eggman wasn’t a doormat that could be swiftly beaten. Robotnik can be considered a serious threat in his own right and this radio play nailed it down to the very letter with how much he predicted their actions.

“Sonic, all I ever wanted to do was be like you. You’re not scared of anyone or anything. I could never be like that. At least, so I thought. I grew from that, but then I got so caught up in trying to prove it that thought it wasn’t okay to depend upon anyone, especially you. I just didn’t want to be that scared little kid in Station Square anymore, but now I understand. It’s okay to depend on your friends. It all means is that we’re stronger together, so the next time Eggman comes back and wants to start any trouble with you, or any of my friends. Emeralds or no emeralds, he’s gonna have to get past me and he won’t!”

Sonic By Episode 1′s End: Aww, yeah! Adventure, here we come!

Tails By Episode 10′s End: Aww, yeah! Adventure, here I come!

Turn your thoughts into power. Be all that you can be.

     The ending legit got me choked up because what of they decided to do for wrapping up Tails journey in a poetic fashion. Having Tails go off on his own separate journey to grow more independence pulled on my heart strings perfectly. Very much so, as I’m transitioning slowly, but surely, into gaining more freedom to go out into the outside world in my own life. Concluding the story, by Sonic & Tails holding onto the two Emeralds their bond had formed from positive energy, due to their powerful friendship, was so heartwarming. This is how you write an overview of what makes Sonic & Tails chemistry work so well as it does.

     Sonic & Tails R’s ending represents while some things never change, like Sonic and Tails bond for each other, it also shows there’s very much a necessity for people to grow, hence Tails’ whole solo journey in the epilogue. People can’t stay in the same place forever and will need go about finding their own path, even if it means saying “goodbye” periodically for a notable amount of time.

     It’s for these reasons I’ve listed in great explanation above throughout this detailed post cement Sonic & Tails R high on my list of favorite Sonic fan projects. They captured the magic of what made the Adventure games so beloved. Gonna be looking back on this passion project for many years to come. Everyone involved in this year long effort of a project dating all the way back Summer of 2020 ought to be immensely proud for how much their hard efforts paid off in the long run.

Thanks for taking the time to read my thoughts here! 

Hope you enjoyed. 

[wisteria-lodge]

bird primary (system in progress) + burnt badger secondary (really loud bird model)

Howdy! I’m still trying to figure out my own houses and was wondering if you could provide some insight. I haven’t exactly mastered the system so I don’t know how accurate/inaccurate my claims are, so bear with me.

The “why”/Primary: I am extremely motivated by knowledge. I want to know things, not just out of intrinsic curiosity (though that does play a role), but because knowing why things work helps me protect myself more effectively.

One of the trickiest things about this system is separating motivation from method. Because yeah, they are related, but they're also really different. Like this example: "I protect myself by learning things." That's a how, that's secondary stuff. (Bird secondary of course.)

A recent example is this— a group of my former friends all ditched me because I discussed a heavily stigmatized mental disorder that I show symptoms of. And my first response (other than bawling) was to ask them why. And when I got the answer, I was hurt, but I understood. I don’t say this for you to show me pity, but rather because it illustrates this model in action.

This is a really interesting example. Your friends acted in a way that emotionally hurt you. First you processed your feelings (which you talk about in a dismissive, lighthearted, jokey way) then you asked them for more information... which hurt you, but also made you more secure. This is very Bird primary. You feel feelings, but they're whatever. What actually bothers you is not having the data.

(I suspect you're going to end up being a Double Bird. And Double Birds are unique in that their morality and problem-solving are SO interconnected, that they think I'm crazy for saying that for most people, they are in fact two very different things.)

When I got the why and processed my emotions, I cut off ties and realized that their severe judgy-ness had hindered my life for 2 years. And now that I know the “why”, I won’t bring up said disorder again until I know it’s safe. It might never be, but I still have hope.

You updated your system, and you cut away the parts that aren't serving you anymore. Bird primary.

Morally-speaking, I am very sensitive to the views of others around me.

External primary.

I’m not proud of this. In fact, it’s a detriment.

A lot of Birds feel this way. It's a big part of why they tend to like Lion primaries. Lions are much more able to dismiss things with "sounds like that's a them problem."

I won’t go into details, but my parents are… bad. Not wholly, but they are bad. I’ve tried for years, and still do, to escape their opinions because I know it’ll influence mine.

Parents are sticky. They do that. I've been a happily UnBurnt Lion primary for a while now... but I still sometimes hear that voice in my head that sounds like my mother.

And, much like them, I tend to get over-passionate in what I stand for. Unlike them, I’m willing to change if evidence supports this change. I always, however, carry the burden of my former hatred. I always feel guilt over my old beliefs. Even if I’ve changed, the pain I’ve done can never be reversed. And this guilt eats me alive, this shame of being fundamentally wrong.

Okay. You got really emotional on me really quickly here. This could mean a couple things. Your parents sound like fairly toxic Idealists, either Exploded Lions or Exploded Birds (I'm sort of leaning Lion due to the more emotion-heavy words like "passion" and "hatred.") Birds can feel bad, feel guilt, feel shame when looking back at an older version of themselves that they now consider morally repugnant. (Birds are human.) Idealists struggle with the angst of worrying that they are fundamentally wrong about the world. So you could be a guilty Bird, especially if your emotions feel wrong or unhelpful somehow. But you could also be a very Burnt Lion modeling Bird - because Bird seems safer, and you don't want to be a Lion the way your parents are.

When the friend-event happened, I thought that I was in the wrong, and that I had once again fucked myself over because of my passion and sureness in what I have.

"I thought I was wrong because I was acting like an Exploded Lion primary." Yeah, I'm thinking there's some sort of outside influence here that needs to be unpacked.

It took a lot of convincing and evidence for me to see that they were the assholes (albeit I wasn’t pure either— I was their friend, after all).

I'm definitely leaning Bird for you. A bird surrounded by Lions maybe, who sometimes uses Lion terminology. But Bird.

I am a planner and system-lover at heart. I’m not proud of it, but it’s just part of me.

What's with all this negative language? Being a planner and a system-lover is a wonderful thing to be. There's some Burning here.

The caveat— I have autism, so I’m not sure if it’s due to that or not. Hence the shortness of this section. Take it as you will, regardless of if it’s evidence or not.

I have autism and I'm a Lion Badger. People are different. The only real pattern I've observed is the way nerodivergent people disproportionately build Bird secondaries as coping strategies.

Honesty is maybe not the best policy, it’s still an admirable one. I wish, frankly, that my moral system was more honest. I feel like I have no set morals. That it all comes from elsewhere. Lion primaries have this set, intrinsic morality that I envy. My friend is a lion primary, and while my views have radically changed, hers haven’t inched. She’s always been honest about herself and what she holds true.

I'm doubling down on Bird primary for you. This is the perspective of a Bird looking in on a Lion. Lion morality isn't set or intrinsic - it's built, and it changes, but it builds and changes differently than a Bird's does (more slowly, usually). But there really is a pattern of Birds seeing it as more moral/easier/better.

And I’m still trying to figure out what “truth” means to me. I mean, yes, I’m a dry and blunt asshole, but that’s not really the same as gut morality. Internal honesty is what I want, and external honesty is what I have to some extent.

It sounds that you are going though a lot of very intense shifts in your life right now. You've got a diagnosis that has you questioning your place in the world. You've followed your parent's system all you life, and are now deciding that you don't want that. But now comes deciding what you do want, and that's a lot harder (especially for a Bird, who has to build it from the ground up.) You like the way Lions do things, but Lion primaries do not feel accessible.

I’m very clear with who I like. I can admit their faults, and even get annoyed or angry at them, but not even betrayal can stop me from loving them. I’d compare myself to the Twelfth Doctor from “Doctor Who” and Ponyboy Curtis from The Outsiders in that regard.

So maybe you are building a system with very Snake values.

Loyalty is one of my weaknesses. I get overly-attached to people, and so if/when they leave me, it shatters my world. But my brand of loyalty is mostly to people, not philosophical ideas.

... but you're not *really* comfortable with Snake either, if you consider it to be a "weakness."

I would consider myself somewhat philosophical (well, as much as a fucking teenager can be)

Teenagers are *extremely* philosophical, stop being so down on yourself.

but I can be somewhat vague in my beliefs.

Because you're still building them, give yourself a *second.*

If I were to rate the likelihood of what primary I think I am, it’s something like this:

Bird: 9/10 probability (maybe burned)

Snake: 7/10 probability

Badger: 6/10 probability (maybe burned)

Lion: 2/10 probability

What is it with Birds and numbered lists?

The “how”: I feel like I change in order to fit in. I mean, to some extent, we all do, but it’s far more drastic for me. With the lion primary friend, I act as a “Jason Todd” to their Batman. I challenge them, egg them on, crack jokes and become violently passionate and act like a nerd, and she simply watches, usually adding her own comments but mostly sitting on the sidelines by choice. We also joke that I’m the Ferris Bueller to their Cameron Frye. But, with another friend, I’m a parent figure. I listen most of the time, and sometimes jump in with creative ideas and we talk for hours about it.

I'm guessing Actor Bird, both because you can specifically list out the qualities that you "act" out. And because you're invoking and basing your performance off specific [fictional] characters. Which is a HUGE Actor Bird thing.

I go with the flow of a given situation as best as I can (with the added caveat of being autistic, because that does affect how well I can read a room). However, that’s where the adaptation ends.

Huh. I'm hearing Burnt secondary language here. "I'd like to go with the flow and read the room - but I can't, because I'm autistic." You can definitely *learn* how to read a room. Why do you think I'm so interested in (and good at :) personality systems? This is how I learned to use my Courtier Badger. I used to model Bird secondary like crazy, and I kind of don't bother anymore. I don't need the training wheels.

Planning: like I stated before, I’m a planner. I try to learn the most about a situation before jumping in. Sometimes, however, I stall the inevitable and miss my chance, so I jump in and wind up nearly drowning. And this dichotomy repeats. I overcompensate for a lack of knowledge in a situation by micromanaging, or I wind up sitting bored when I’ve already done everything I need to do. And yes, stress and boredom are equally as destructive for me. I try so hard to plan to avoid both of these outcomes, but it only works half the time. So, I guess I’m a bit of a “planster” overall.

I want to learn about a situation... but sometimes I "stall" or "drown" (Burnt language.) But planning also leads to "micromanaging" and "getting bored" (model language.) I think you've got a really loud Bird secondary model... but there might be something else underneath.

Collecting things is fun. Postcards, candles, lighters, crystals, rocks, 1940s hats, knowledge, stories, music, (original) characters, the list goes on. I’m a collector of whatever I can get my hands on. Hell, by this point, I can’t tell what’s my special interest and what I just enjoy (again, autism).

Oh my goodness gracious 'my special interest' and 'what I enjoy' are not two different categories!

But my systems and collections are my coping.

Figured.

I can’t say, though, that they hold any weight outside of emotional release. There’s nothing practical about knowing how they shot The Outsiders movie, or how crows have a flat tail and ravens have two main sections on theirs. All of this knowledge almost feels useless to me. I mean, sure, I’m great at school, but what else? Nothing, it seems like. And being good at school and nothing else makes a person go crazy when they can’t achieve their academic goals. But that’s a bit besides the point— I’m a collector, but I’m unsure how well this really fits into a secondary beyond a model.

Bird secondary model.

I invest in others more than I care to admit.

Oh man, are you a Badger secondary like me?

I genuinely believe in the goodness in humans, no matter how impossible it becomes. Even those who I don’t see any good in aren’t wholly evil. My perception isn’t law.

^ That's primary stuff. Maybe a more Badger-flavored system is going to work better for you than a Snake-flavored one.

But some people trust me: with their secrets, with homework, with relationship issues, with their religious struggles. And I try to help. I might not be good with it, but I do try to help as best I can.

Kinda sounds like a Badger secondary.

I use my planning and my categorizing skills and my knowledge to benefit others. I show up, I do what I need to do, and I don’t usually expect much to come of it. It’s nice when something does, but it’s not expected. And sometimes, these investments into others' lives and grades and relationships do pay off. I make friends. Those friends stick by me, and I trust them. I continue to invest in others, because I am a lover even though I’m cynical.

I think you're a Badger secondary.

And when that trust is broken, like the example in the beginning, I go to people who won’t abandon me to get a second opinion. When I say that I love someone, I mean it. So it hurts when they leave. It always does.

Oh that's your friends leaving hit you so hard. It's not an abstract morality thing at all, it's practical. You're a Badger secondary, and they were your base of support.

I’ll be frank on this— I’m almost entirely sure that I’m not a lion secondary. I’m fiercely efficient and some people see me as a good leader, but that’s it.

Lion and Badger are the two Inspirational secondaries. They're the one who sort of manage to collect armies or families as a side effect of existing.

Even with the leader example, I prefer interpersonal relations or to be alone. I’m not a big fan of group settings.

That's fair. I am also a Badger who really, really likes my own company. Or small groups of interesting people.

If I were to rate the likelihood of what secondary I am, it’s like this:

Bird: 7/10 probability

Badger: 6/10 probability

Snake: 5/10 probability

Lion: 0/10 probability

Other systems for comparison: I’m aware that MBTI and enneagram are, at worst, pseudo-science, but I still enjoy them regardless. At best, they’re fun self-help tools, and that’s how I try to use them.

MBTI: INTJ (Ni-Te-Fi-Se)

Enneagram: 5w4, tritype 514

Sagittarius sun libra moon cancer rising in astrology

FLEV or LFEV in attitudinal psyche

sx/sp (sexual and self-preservation) in instinctual variants

MBTI, Enneagram, and astrology are all fun in their own ways. (I don't actually know the last two!) And I can talk about them on their own terms. But this system was the best, and the most useful, when I went looking for words to describe myself.

I hope this is enough information, and thank you again if you do happen to do this! If you don’t, that’s totally okay. Have a good day!

Thank you for writing in. That was a journey! Thanks @thesketchykid for the submission.

[spockandawe]

Shen Jiu/Tianlang-jun

Or, I came here for the dunking on binghe vibe, lingered for the aesthetic, and then tripped accidentally into an au that’s actually really compelling me hard that I want to figure out more

(yes it’s the 2k thing that hit me out of nowhere, but i wrote that out and it didn’t scratch the itch, so here we are)

(I always use so many words, let’s just have a cut now)

My general premise as, theoretically, an author: This is set in the canonverse timeline, after Luo Binghe merges the demon realm and human realm. Probably not long after, because things are still VERY much in confusion, both societies are still reeling, unrest is rampant, and Luo Binghe is only just just just starting to figure out that no, he still doesn’t feel very fulfilled. Turning two realms upside down gives Zhuzhi-lang an opportunity to finally get his hands on a dew flower seed to grow a body for Tianlang-jun (he is a patient boy). Shen Jiu is still alive, though honestly, I don’t know how much Luo Binghe bothers keeping him conscious anymore, and there’s my stage.

What I arrived here from was thinking about how I characterized Tianlang-jun for my Shen Yuan/Tianlang-jun fic, and how I’m really leaning into his romantic nature and fond, un-pushy approach to relationships. When I thought about writing those two characters dunking on a stallion novel together, I was like ‘oh noooo, he would have been so disappointed in bingge’ (which adds to an already emotionally complicated situation, what with him having a son at all) and then I was like ‘haha, being disappointed in bingge, something for him and shen jiu to bond over’

And then I was like ‘wait, but seriously--’

So, I keep seeing those shipping memes going around where people describe their favorite dynamics, and I probably won’t ever draw one myself, but a shipping vibe I love is a character in a lonely downward spiral being pulled out of the disaster zone and emotionally reattached to the world. That’s what I’m writing in the sy/tlj, honestly. A vibe I love even more, but which is even rarer, is when two characters are in those downward spirals, and latch onto each other in an intense, codependent, unhealthy way.... and somehow manage to salvage something beautiful from the situation.

Anyways, Shen Jiu and Tianlang-jun.

When I was trying to figure out how to ship them, one of the first questions when I’m sussing out an unusual pair without other fanworks is: Why do they care about each other? And the more I thought about them, the more I realized that they’re each really, really strongly in the mold of the other one’s Favorite Person, who they’d since lost. Shen Jiu is a cold, aloof, untouchable, beautiful person. Tianlang-jun is a quieter person, very pleasant, but terrifyingly strong in some ways, and soft and ruthless at unexpected times. But neither one is exactly a replacement goldfish, which is good, because losing their favorite person was pretty traumatic for them in different ways. Shen Jiu plays more mean than Su Xiyan did, and Tianlang-jun is more eccentric and romantic than Yue Qingyuan was.

Logistically, the idea that Tianlang-jun hates his son made it easy for me to bring the two of them together. In this universe especially, Tianlang-jun feels a lot of scorn towards Luo Binghe, but Luo Binghe is still very strong. He doesn’t have much in the way of weaknesses, and I think even super-traumatized, super-bitter Tianlang-jun would turn up his nose at the idea of attacking Luo Binghe through his wives. But stealing away Shen Jiu, that’s a person who Luo Binghe is almost as ““close”” to as he is to the harem, this is a person with pretty significant knowledge of Luo Binghe’s childhood, and it’s a powerful person with a major reason to hold a grudge against Luo Binghe himself. 

(I don’t think Tianlang-jun has much of a plan, necessarily, when he kidnaps Shen Jiu, the same way he didn’t have much of a plan when he was aiming to merge the worlds together. Like, yes, there’s this big goal, but why? and then what? I’m not going to go off on a digression about this, but I think it is very much a shitty, shitty plan, and that Shen Jiu is not going to be stoked once he figures out he was kidnapped from Luo Binghe because *shrug?*)

So what I want. Emotionally. Is where the two of them do kind of latch onto each other in a replacement goldfish sort of way, but where that kind of closeness really pulls them into sync in a way where they end up attached WAY more strongly than they ever intended to begin with. And also, both of them are dealing with some weird dysphoric feelings (one with four new prosthetic limbs, one with a decaying body) and are trying to power through them by using their bodies as a tool they use, not as residences they inhabit. And I think that Shen Jiu in particular is leaning into his time in the Qiu household in a bad way, and using himself as an incentive to try to nudge Tianlang-jun into doing things he wants. Love me some dysfunction like that, especially if people start having Regrets and/or Feelings later.

I think.... part of the reason I cut off my fic where I did was that Shen Jiu getting his tongue back is going to really, really, really start reshaping their dynamic. In the fic, Tianlang-jun is reading things into his deliberately-vague gestures that aren’t necessarily there, or just seeing what entertains him to see, but with a voice? Shen Jiu is a man with opinions, and he’s so, so, so completely out of fucks to give. When they start engaging with each other for real, they have to start recognizing each other as people, and not as proxyfucking substitutes for Su Xiyan and Yue Qingyuan.

Now, why I didn’t write that whole fic from the beginning is because it’s almost gotta be plot-intensive. Luo Binghe is not going to be happy that Shen Jiu is gone, he’s going to be very interested in getting him back, and if he gets his hands on him, it’s going to be... ugly. Shen Jiu is aware of that, and makes Tianlang-jun aware of that, but Luo Binghe is so hilariously overpowered that it’s going to be HARD to keep them both out of Luo Binghe’s hands without just making them quiet hermits in some corner of the world. And they can’t be quiet hermits, because otherwise Tianlang-jun would never have stolen Shen Jiu in the first place :P 

I am still really, really, really tempted to write it, because like, just imagine Luo Binghe coming for Shen Jiu in his dreams, and all that trauma crashing back into him, and Luo Binghe digging into every old emotional wound, and Shen Jiu trying to cope. And if dream abilities run in the blood, then Tianlang-jun isn’t completely useless either, and I do very much like the idea that protagonist or not, Tianlang-jun is capable of going toe to toe with his son. The picture of them fighting a battle across Shen Jiu’s dreamscape is just... *chef kiss*

(especially because if luo binghe gets into shen jiu’s head, he’ll totally use yue qingyuan against him, and if tianlang-jun gets involved, he’ll use su xiyan against luo binghe, and luo binghe will probably try to use her against him, and shen jiu is perfectly happy to try to make binghe hurt over how binghe’s dad chose him instead of binghe, and it will be so, so ugly all around)

The trouble with this would be knowing where it was heading :P The quiet hermit ending wouldn’t be a bad fit for what I want for the characters at all, but it would be hard to achieve with Luo Binghe still alive, and I still don’t know if I want him dead, or how I would even make that happen. 

But what I do want, even if it only takes shape in one-shots of scattered scenes, is two exhausted, traumatized characters curling up into each other, without any emotions, no emotions involved, definitely not, and accidentally getting super entangled in each other’s hearts. The kind of relationship with a lot of intensity and need and passion, and virtually no healthy coping mechanisms to be seen. I want ‘Separation Anxiety: The Musical.’ I want Shen Jiu with angry clinging, and extra anger if anyone mentions the clinging. I want Tianlang-jun deflecting and deflecting away from his past and his emotions. And part of the reason I’m not sure if I want Binghe dead, is that I want to see if I can get them to a point where one or both of them has a choice between hurting Binghe or helping their partner, and they choose their partner instead.

[experimental-intellection]

Sorry for the TLDR nature of this but File Under: Deconstruction has its benefits.

First: To set this up let's go all the way back to a fresh faced 18 year old self and sitting down and having several heart to hearts with the old man before shipping off to the old blue and gold of the US Navy!

For those of you who have gotten to have such talks it's a surreal thing. It takes having a parent who chooses to be heartfelt and who puts all the character building and disciplining they are called to do aside for a smidge and really decide to spend time with you as the adult you are about to be. It takes laying down all the years on the table and explaining to their child why they did this here and where they honestly regretted doing that there.

And crying, quite a bit of it... and apologies and forgiveness given along the way...

It takes (with maybe a stiff drink or two in the process) a commitment to be open with the person whose now fully grown. The person that they first met when held in their arms when they were a fresh faced kid themselves and just a few years out from under their own folks...

I thought I got the significance of those talks all that long ago but I don't think I really did till tonight.

Second: We skip ahead a couple of years to 20ish year mr, only just recently paying taxes and still way too naive, and sitting in someones living room in Portland, Maine with a bible in his hands and a discipleship handbook in his lap, crying over Matthew 27:46, and a pastor who was asking him to list his sins... (And yes kids, I'm looking at The Cross study right now if you must know) ... and feeling the abject weight of the personal inequity he knew all too well to be inside of him.

What was the common element of both these settings?

In both I felt like I was being witnessed. All the good things I was, the wanting to serve and wanting to matter... but also the entitlement and the attachment and undiagnosed depression and anxiety and ADHD (although the less than ideal parts of myself would not be named or diagnosed till much later)...

I was witnessed in both instances. First being acknowledged and treated with respect from the person I most desperately wanted respect from, and then second feeling as if I was acknowledged by a creator and being called to lay myself down for something greater.

However, the difference between the two was while the first was an emotionally trying experience toward understanding and a form of reconciliation, the second was (at least in part if not in whole) a fostered and cultivated emotional crisis towards the goal of conversion and unquestioning belief.

All of this entered my mind tonight while my daughter and I burned through every tissue and napkin in my car as she talked about the outcomes of having my inherited mental health gifts and all the wonderful combinations and depths of self-doubt and lack of self-worth that they were generating for her...

My 14 year old had her own breakdown tonight similar to so many others I've had over the years at altar calls and midnight studies around the back cove... but as I held her hand and rubbed her back I saw the arc of her life not as undiagnosed and misunderstood like mine but as a journey that was healthier and more self-aware from the start.

I remembered my father sharing his heart and I spoke to her in the same tone... I found myself explaining how she has never been a burden, that she has never been alone, that her feelings have always been valid, and that she has always been loved.

But most of all that she was seen by a father who saw her importance.

I told her that I had been through what she had but through the lens of chasing salvation and hoping (among other things) it would quiet my mind.

I found myself taking all the best elements from my fathers own heart and from the misguided emotional appeals of the ministry and putting into words that her depths could be fostered and understood and not just explained away by biblical passages here and there or throwaway religious platitudes.

Ultimately my daughter and I will have more conversations, but I have more hope than I did before that she will be better equipped than I was to identify manipulations and agenda filled appeals for her time and loyalty. She will receive the help that was so full of stigmas and denied me when I was a her age and she will have a much better grounding when it comes to her worth and learning from the adversity my less-than-ideal family genes have given her.

And in time, and the Lord willing, she will learn mercy and discernment and wisdom in a way that I was never taught. As well as obedience and fidelity to herself first, and with appropriate boundaries in place, provide mercy and care to those around her.

There is value that can be pulled from my years woven into the church. There is meaning that can be passed along to my daughter from all the parsing and pulling apart of my life desperately seeking acceptance from higher powers and life partners and peers.

The germ of my faith as it stands now is that we are lovable and redeemable as we are. That we can hope to form bonds with others who are also putting in the work to understand and build something true. Its a faith that I am hoping she can learn from whether she decides to adopt it in the way I have or not.

There is a future after what we've experienced in the church. There is still something worth building on...

...one final thought. If you've considered your own heart to heart with your own children put in the work on yourself to be thoughtful and soft-hearted. Put aside the time and make the room for reconciliation where its needed. Being present for your child doesn't have to be perfect but make it vulnerable and without hubris. Because it's not just a conversation you are having with the child in front of you but a conversation they hopefully feel inspired to pay forward to their own.

Also, just to be clear, I'm not crying you are crying...

[lastbluetardis]

Hi, I just wanted to say that you are my favorite writing ever! I love each of the characters in your stories so much, but especially your Jameses because somehow they always end up being the characters I most identify with, even though they're all different… LOL.

Out of all your Jameses, do you have a favorite? Which one do you find the most fun to write? Who is the most 'complicated'? And which one do you have the most emotional attachment to?

Hi Nonnie! Thanks so much for this lovely message! I've been so busy I haven't had a chance to answer it until now, so I hope you see this!

I love all of my Jameses for so many different reasons. They all are the same, but different, and it's so much fun to explore these differences while still trying to stay true to the character.

I feel like picking a favorite is like asking a parent to pick their favorite child 😂 I guess my "favorite" is whichever James I'm writing at the moment. I'm currently absorbed in What Makes a Family, so he's my current favorite James. But I've begun a few scenes of a new Catalysis fic, so that James will become the new favorite when I can immerse myself in it. Whenever I get back to my Soulmates James, he'll usurp the top spot. I have fun writing all of my Jameses, so like my answer to which is my favorite, I have fun writing whichever James I'm currently writing.

All of my Jameses have their own challenges. Soulmates James struggles with anxiety and depression (as does Rose, at times), and as such it can be hard to balance those emotions with his joy of having a family. It can be hard to show that he's desperately in love with his family, but he's also terrified of anything happening to them.

Similarly, Catalysis James struggles with insecurity and feeling like he's not enough. And Rose struggles with leaving her past in the past, so sometimes their anxieties collide (aka the big fight they had in Chemical Reaction), which can be hard to write. It's hard emotionally to put my babies through that trauma, but it's also hard to make sure I don't write the scenes too melodramatically and take away from the high stakes.

And with WMaF, that James hasn't struggled too much. But the second half of the story is a lot more angst and emotional, so I'm really excited to see how his character changes and grows to meet the tension I'll be throwing at him and Rose and their kids.

I have an emotional attachment to all of them too for different reasons. Soulmates James was my first, so he holds a special place in my heart as the James who catalyzed my love of writing AUs. I relate to Catalysis James because I really love my soft, ace/demi boy who has insecurities and just wants to love and be loved. Plus, I'm very attached to the series in general because I set the whole story in the town I'm living in and going to school at, so that whole series is a love letter to my little corner of Pennsylvania. And I'm so attached to WMaF James because I am weak for soft dads loving their kids.

This probably wasn't really the answer you were looking for, but it's genuinely impossible for me to pick a favorite James 😂 I have so much fun writing them all, and creating new ones for new AUs that are always brewing in my brain. Many of them are based off of Tentoo, actually, who I always headcanon as being softer and more emotionally open than Ten. But one of my Jameses in an AU that's in the beginning plotting stages is much sharper and has a colder exterior, so I'm really excited to breathe life into that one.

Thank you so so much for this ask, Nonnie. I love talking about my stories and my characters, and so I had such a great time gushing about my love for my Jameses.

Which James is your favorite? Anyone reading this, feel free to answer. I'm genuinely curious which James has resonated with people the most 😂

[silverbastardgoldenfool]

Realm of the Quarantine Reread End-of-Book Questionnaire: Assassin’s Quest

Any differences between your first/previous reading experience and this one?

Keep in mind I’m writing this months after finishing the book lol (it’s mental illness innit). I have LOTS of notes to go off but yeah, things aren’t as fresh in my mind overall. With that said the biggest difference I can think of between my first and second experience with AQ is my feelings towards Kettricken. I think the first time around reading you know that Fitz is an unreliable narrator but you are still limited by his viewpoint so you can get a bit trapped seeing things the way he does. For this reason, I think I pretty much just forgave Kettricken when he did on my first read, whereas on this read I was like……. Waiting for her to actually apologise and show some sympathy towards Fitz and it just…. Never happened.

Like, don’t get me wrong, I still love Kettricken as a character and I fully recognise that she has been traumatised. I don’t expect her to be nice or act rationally, and in the case of being willing to take Nettle for the crown… It’s cold but she’s doing what she feels she has to. My issue is - do what you have to, but don’t expect Fitz to understand or forgive you (same with Starling). But I think what bothered me the most was how Kettricken would constantly confide in Fitz and break down to him and he was always there to let her do so, yet she NEVER gives Fitz the chance to do the same. The one time he does “open up” in a sense is when she forces him to air out his traumas in front of everyone, and she didn’t show him any sympathy for what he’d been through then or later. She has been through hell, absolutely, but while her plight may not have been any better than Fitz’s it certainly wasn’t any worse. She pretty much had two modes in this book: completely cold or a crying wreck - but she was only ever crying for herself. She lets Fitz console her but she never consoles him. Again, this is a result of her own trauma and I don’t expect her to act any differently, but it just reaffirmed for me that while she and Fitz care for each other deeply it is not an equal relationship. Fitz feels an obligation to serve her and she - knowingly or not - takes advantage of that. Like, after realising that this is their dynamic it is so obvious that the same is true in Royal Assassin as well, and it will be interesting to see how it changes (or doesn’t) in Tawny Man as I don’t remember it well enough to say.

Must reiterate: Kettricken is still a great character and I still have a lot of respect for her, unfortunately she just falls into the overfull camp of people who love Fitz but have an unhealthy power dynamic with him.

The other big difference I noticed was that the Verity stuff just wasn’t as devastating this time. Not because it was any less sad but it just didn’t tear out my heart like it did the first time. That’s not a fault with the writing at all, I think it’s just the fact that, knowing what would happen to Verity and that we wouldn’t see the real Verity again, I kind of already let go of him at the end of Royal Assassin.

Something you can’t believe you forgot

I guess more of a misinterpretation/wishful thinking but like, realising that there is no passage explicitly stating that Fitz and the Fool were actually spooning in the mountains murdered me and spat on my corpse.

Oh also!!! Fitz yeeting himself out the window at Tradeford castle jskaskjf

Favourite character introduction moments/scenes

I love Kettle in general and the way we’re introduced to her as a cranky old lady sets her up perfectly

Favourite character arcs

Man they’re all so fucking sad lol but I guess the Fool? He goes from thinking Fitz is dead and his purpose failed to reuniting with Fitz, their relationship growing into something really real for the first time, and actually completing his mission - at least for now lol. This book is really the first time you get to see the Fool be properly vulnerable. Even when he was getting beaten up by Regal’s guards he always had his veneer of snark and superiority to hide behind - and I doubt when he went through his sicknesses at Buckkeep he would have revealed his weakness to anyone in order to be helped. But in the mountains he lets so much of that facade of the King’s Fool fall away - at least when it’s just him and Fitz. When he and Fitz meet again he lets Fitz see his grief and pain and hopelessness and joy as the Fool looks after Fitz, and then later when it’s the Fool who needs looking after he lets Fitz look after him. When was the last time the Fool had anyone really care for him like that, ya know? Had someone protect him purely out of love? Ouch dude!!!!

Also he gets to kiss Fitz at the end so good for him!!!!!!!!!! Be gay ride dragons!!

Favourite quote/s

“I would kill Regal. It only seemed fair. He had killed me first.”

“I had looked into the heart of my enemy. I still could not comprehend him.”

“The more I drank, the less tolerable my situation seemed. And the more intolerable I became to my friends.”

“I had never thought to be disdained by a tree.”

“The Fool, the Fool, only the Fool. I sought for him. I almost found him. Oh, he was passing strange, and surpassing strange. He darted and eluded me, like a bright gold carp in a weedy pool, like the motes that dance before one’s eyes after being dazzled by the sun. As well to clutch at the moon’s reflection in a still midnight pond as to seek a grip on that bright mind. I knew his beauty and his power in the briefest flashes of insight. In a moment I understood and marvelled at all that he was, and in the next I had forgotten that understanding.”

“When you can either laugh or cry, you might as well laugh.” - the Fool

Favourite relationships

Fitzandthefoolfitzandthefoolfitzandthefoolbahslbghabfhalgngjba 

Also fitz and nighteyes (speaking of which, Nighteyes’ arc in this book is also fascinating and surprisingly complex) and Fitz/Nighteyes/Fool mwah magnifico chef’s kiss

Favourite setting

Kelsingra baybeyyy. I remember the first time reading this having no fucking clue what was happening in that chapter but I guess it was the gay agenda all along

Favourite chapter

It’s gotta be the chapter where Fitz and the Fool reunite, right? Catch me just gradually losing my grip on reality with every lingering stare 

Most loved character

Foooooooooool

Most hated character

Ya know, for a minute I was actually wondering if I would like Starling this time round but yeah no lol. She was actually okay for a while but as soon as she sold Fitz/Nettle out she became The Worst, just as I remembered her. It’s not even because she betrays Fitz but because, like Kettricken, she expects Fitz to forgive her for it, to the point of running to tattle to the queen because Fitz isn’t giving her enough attention (I’m also not impressed with Kettricken for actually getting involved instead of just telling her to grow up). Not to mention her constantly misgendering/gendering (??) the Fool or just assuming the Fool’s gender and loudly fucking proclaiming it to everybody is just truly fucking disgusting. Like I cannot even explain how furious I was reading her incessantly using she/her pronouns for the Fool despite no confirmation that her theory is right or that the Fool is comfortable with this and despite EVERYONE ELSE using he/him pronouns. God I’m mad now lol. She just acts like a spoilt brat and it makes my blood boil. But that’s probably because I have known many people like this so… Good character writing lol congrats

Raise your hand if you’ve been personally victimised by Robin Hobb (most heartbreaking and/or visceral moments)

The whole first chapter/s are just so heavy and carry on that gut wrenching feeling from the end of Royal Assassin. Fitz just has no real desire to live and watching him systematically severing the last few ties he has to his human life is just so sad.

Even though I wasn’t as attached to Verity this time, his goodbye to Fitz still made me cry

As did Fitz giving Kettle her skill back

Verity using Fitz’s body to have sex with Kettricken really got to me this time, mostly because I either didn’t notice the first time or had forgotten just how much it affects Fitz. It’s no wonder he doesn’t want to acknowledge Dutiful as his son when the event that brought that fact into being was so fucked up and traumatic. It’s really upsetting.

Burrich saying he almost took Fitz to Chivalry and he should have never let the Farseers take Fitz just …… breaks my heart. Just seeing Burrich so raw like that in general is so unusual it really takes you aback.

Details, observations, spoilery notes made with the benefit of the full picture

Strap in lads this part is lonnnngggggggg

Is it bad to immediately want to cry just from seeing “Sandsedge” on the map and thinking of Sandsedge brandy

I never really thought about how poor Hap didn’t get the real Fitz all those years and how their relationship could have been if Fitz hadn’t been partially forged

Pls I have no idea why but to picture someone as emotionally repressed as Fitz actually sitting down and writing about his life makes me want to fucking cryyyyeeeee

Fitz in the prologue talks about needing a purpose as something to distract himself from sinking [into his chronic pain, mental illness and addiction] and boy howdy if that ain’t relatable. As someone with mental illness and chronic pain Fitz is just painfully relatable way too often.

“I have never forgiven myself the triumph I ceded him when I took poison and died.” Fitz :(((( my guy :((((((( forgive yourself for surviving however you could baby!!!!!

This book mentions Bingtown providing slaves to Chalced

It’s so funny to me when people expect Fitz to have social skills as if he didn’t literally live as a fucking wolf for weeks at a time. It’s a miracle he bloody speaks

The state Fitz is in at the beginning of this book was literally Burrich’s greatest fear for him, yet Burrich doesn’t just say I told you so and leave. He stays, is patient and even optimistic.

“He (Burrich) is not bigger than I.” Why does this feel so wrong lol??? I just can’t picture Fitz as bigger than Burrich

“When you were younger and not supposed to go into taverns without me…” So it’s fine if the child goes into taverns and gets drunk as long as you’re also there. Got it, Burrich.

Fitz calling Chade “the grey one” wow get rekd old man river

Seeing Chade and Burrich interact is so bizarre

Fitz is still having seizures at the beginning of this book! I had forgotten that

God okay so idk if I can articulate this point super well but the whole thing of Fitz going through this extensive abuse and then essentially becoming an animal feels like a metaphor for the way your brain’s “higher” needs and functions just shut off sometimes under certain levels of stress. Like in order to cope with the trauma you don’t think about concepts, or long-term goals, or other people. You just take care of your basic needs - food, sleep, shelter, water - long enough that you start to feel safe and secure again, at which point your brain can open up a bit more and allow you to really think again; to want again, to plan again etc. Like obviously literally becoming an animal is a heightened version of reality, but the functionality of it is the same; our wounds and our fear stop us from fully embodying ourselves.

Burrich be like, Fitz was getting way too dependent on drugs before all this so let’s steer clear of those. :) LET’S GET HIM ABSOLUTELY SHITFACED INSTEAD

I  love how Fitz has his own unique relationship with Lacey and she’s not just Patience’s servant in his mind

Fitz talking about how even his memories from before his time in the dungeons are soiled by his trauma :( baby boy

Dude it’s so rich Chade lecturing Fitz about not making a life for himself, having friends or just chilling out like???? WHO TRAINED HIM TO BE AN ASSASSIN CHADE?? Like I get your point but what the hell kind of life did you think he was gonna have? Who ever took the time to teach him the importance of making connections with people for their own sake, and when would he have ever had the time anyway? I think Chade himself doesn’t actually know what he expects from Fitz.

Fitz saying he’s bad at making decisions because he’s never actually been allowed to make any is literally a point I’ve made lol. This is what happens when you teach teenagers how to murder in lieu of any basic life skills.

Burrich + Chiv were luv at first sight. No I will not elaborate.

“We kept you a boy, looked after you too much.” Huh??????? Fitz was never fucking sheltered lol. He didn’t have autonomy. There’s a difference.

I’m so fucking glad Fitz hugged Burrich before he left and that they actually left off on okay-ish terms. I didn’t remember that and it vaguely dulls the blow of knowing we don’t see Burrich again til Fool’s Fate (and that he thinks Fitz is dead the entire time between now and then).

“If I shaved my hair back from my brow” bitch disgusting

“Honey was the older of the two women. Perhaps my age.” jskfjnajgbl my guy those aren’t women then those are children!!!!!! U freak

I was wondering for ages why Fitz doesn’t mention the Fool like literally at all bc that’s so unusual right? Even in Assassin’s Apprentice he thinks of him when he goes to Moonseye and just in general the Fool usually enters Fitz’s thoughts pretty frequently. So why now, when Fitz doesn’t even know if the Fool is okay, is he just not thinking about him? And then I realised that that is exactly why. Because the only two people from his old life he doesn’t think about are the two people whose fates he knows nothing of: Kettricken and the Fool. So he can let his mind wander to think what Patience and Lacey might be up to at Buckkeep, or who Molly is with or whatever, because he knows they are all safe. But in such a fragile state I don’t think he can bring himself to really wonder whether Kettricken and the Fool made it to their destination - he probably doesn’t really believe they could have, and that is far too painful a road to go down when you are trying not to think at all.

I know the first act of this book is slow and that bothers some people, but I think it is so necessary, not only for Fitz’s arc but also because it really demonstrates just how severe the situation has gotten with the red ships and forged ones AND it shows just how destructive a king Regal is. Without this perspective it would probably be much harder to buy that the extreme measures taken at the end of the book are really worth the sacrifice.

Fitz is Demisexual, Exhibit A: when Honey is coming onto him, all he can think about is Molly.

Fitz is so scared of the Forged ones :( his trauma affects everything. He has no faith in himself and less heart for the violence than ever.

Speaking of trauma metaphors: the way Fitz tends to drift off into the wit or Skill after a traumatic experience is… pretty much just dissociation but magique

I forgot that witted folk can apparently communicate with each other mentally, not just with animals

“Her head was the size of a bushel basket.” Ah, yes, a bushel basket, a thing whose size we are all intimately familiar with.

Fitz finally finds others like him and even then he is not fully accepted. Told he is doing the wit wrong. Othered by the Others. It’s the queer experience innit.

Also forgot that apparently the forged are attracted to the wit as well as the Skill?

“I wondered if I had as many wolf mannerisms as they had halk and bear.” Yeah no probably not you only bloody LIVED as a wolf, Fitz.

Okay I know it doesn’t need saying but Patience is just so fucking cool!!!!!

Jesus fucking christ, Fitz skilling out to Molly when he knows Will knows he’s alive and is looking for him is just… so dumb. So so dumb. I know he’s just fixating on her because he’s miserable and she’s like this unsullied thing he had before everything went wrong but holy moly is it frustrating 

Not to mention he doesn’t connect the dots between the fact that Burrich went to “help a friend” and every time he reaches out for Molly he sees Burrich sajkdbshkhja dude

Nighteyes leaving just goes to show that Fitz cannot rely solely on Nighteyes for companionship. No matter how innately the same they are they are equally as innately different. Fitz needs Nighteyes but he shouldn’t have JUST Nighteyes (which is why he, Nighteyes and the Fool are the holy trinity). When Nighteyes leaves, Fitz is in way too fragile a state to be left alone, but Nighteyes cannot think of the future or what might happen. All he knows is he’ll be back at some point and that’s all that matters.

“My anger fed my competence” whatever you need to tell yourself sweetie

I think I had blocked out the fact the Regal was keeping animals trapped in filthy cages so they could ravage people in the king’s circle uggggghhhhhhhhh I hate him

Fitz is down on himself saying that without Shrewd’s largesse, Chade’s information and Verity’s protection his idea of himself has been stripped away and that he’s not actually competent etc. but like. This is an extreme situation!! You’re literally alone in the wilderness with nothing and no one!! Who would thrive in this situation? And nobody gets by without help anyway! The people in our lives do define us to an extent. You don’t have to be able to stand 100% on your own at all times with zero resources to be considered capable. It’s human to depend on others. Yes I am chiding myself as much as Fitz here :))))

Burrich’s earring is the repressed gay earring. No I will not elaborate.

Fitz refusing to sell Burrich’s earring is frustrating yet something I would 100% do lol

Direct from my notes: Celery hiding out in caves?? Bad bitch

“I felt I was within the flames looking deeply into the Fool’s eyes” um okay gay

It’s actually surprising that Fitz admits he would not have gone after Molly even if he had known she was pregnant when she left. On one hand so self aware yet this doesn’t stop him from completely idealising their relationship.

And then you have Molly who says he was supposed to come after her “so she could forgive him”, that he was supposed to be the one to light the candles for her childbirth etc. The fact that she in any way thought he was mature enough to be a father just shows how little they really knew each other.

Burrich treating Molly like a horse while delivering Nettle is way funnier than it has a right to be jskakjasd makes me think of Dwight treating Phyllis’ back injury in The Office lol

The first thing Burrich notices about Nettle is that she has Chivalry’s brow are you fucking kidding me. Gay!

Fitz is Demisexual, Exhibit B: He had no interest in Tassin whatsoever until she literally started kissing him. At this point his body reacted, which is normal, but as soon as he got a second to actually think about it he stopped, because for him it would not be satisfying to sleep with someone he didn’t have feelings for.

“It seemed to take years for the dried beans and lentils to soften.” Okay mood

I love how Fitz just assumes Molly will take him back. “I have a woman and child awaiting me.” Says who bitch?

Small ferret? More like big legend

Ya know, we give Fitz so much shit but honestly with so much physical, mental and emotional stress on this journey how can we expect his mental faculties to be at 100%? I wouldn’t be making good decisions either, in fact I would be long dead.

Starling telling Nik that the earring once belonged to Chivalry is truly a smooth brain move

“Do not fear, little brother, I am here to take care of you again.” Words can’t explain how much I love Nighteyes and how often his dialogue makes me smile :’)

It’s so cute how Nighteyes is worried about Molly and Nettle until he knows that Burrich is taking care of them

It’s really interesting when Fitz claims “I’d rather be with Molly even if it meant rocking a crying baby in the middle of the night” because, well, he’s literally made other claims to the contrary, saying he wouldn’t have gone with her even if he’d known she was pregnant. Because at the end of the day as much as Fitz is compelled by others to do work for the greater good, I think deep down a lot of the time it is what he would do anyway. Like I really don’t think he could actually enjoy being with Molly knowing that the world is burning down around them. He would want to get out there and help somehow; not only to secure their own future but to reduce other people’s suffering as well. He’s an empathetic boy even though he’d like to be selfish.

Every time Fitz calls Molly his wife I lose ten years off my life

Again, I understand why he’s thinking like this, but Fitz’s ownership of Molly is just so uncomfortable. The fact that he can’t imagine her not having a place ready and waiting for him in her life when he returns just illustrates that she is not a fully realised person to him. She is just a comforting idea.

Oh yes, it was definitely Starling’s “pillowtalk” that got you captured and not the fact that you fit the exact description of the witted bastard right down to having Chivalry’s earring and a whole ass wolf

Somehow forgot that Jhaampe is basically a city of tents with only a few permanent buildings and people constantly coming and going

Fitz’s first words to the Fool are “I’ve come to you.” I’m gonna fucking die

Literally every single word from the moment Fitz realises it’s the Fool and starts describing him is a full body assault and personal attack I am seeking reparations

God the tenderness, the angst, the relief……… shall i pass away

“I doubted he was much taller, but his body was no longer a child’s.” My dude this is a gay awakening if I ever saw one

Fitz be like *spends 87 pages describing the Fool in painstaking detail* anyway I love being a heterosexual male

I’ve heard ppl cite Fitz’s descriptions of Kettricken as evidence of a crush (hard disagree) but literally nothingggggg even comes close to the way he describes the Fool. Not just this once but over and over again it’s insane.

“Talk fell off between us. The bottle of brandy was empty. We were reduced to silence, staring at one another drunkenly.” skjakfnajghajgnaLNGJ is it gay to silently gaze into thine homie’s eyes

The Fool protecting Fitz from everyone - especially Starling - in Jhaampe is often hilarious and always heartwarming

Realising Fitz was skinny enough for the Fool to lift on his own ahhh no wonder he said the famous “When I recall how beautiful you were” line, Fitz is a total wreck

I love that the Fool actually gives Chade shit for his plan to take Nettle. I love him.

“Too few folk cared for me. I could not hate a single one of them.” Oh, Fitz :(

I always wonder how the Fool really feels about Molly. Is he jealous? Does he compare himself to this woman Fitz idolises and he doesn’t know? Does he know that Fitz is barking up the wrong tree or is he stuck thinking Molly must really be Fitz’s soulmate since he won’t shut up about how much he loves her and can’t wait to get back to her? He just never really lets on how it makes him feel when Fitz has relationships with women. We know Fitz gets jealous of the Fool (for litch rally like no reason lol), so with the Fool being much more honest with himself/in general about his love for Fitz and having much more legitimate reason to be jealous, is he? Or is it just something he’s made his peace with, that these women give Fitz something that he cannot? Is he okay with that cos he has to be or does he have a different, less monogamous view of love and relationships (he does have three parents after all). I dunnoooo dude I just have so many questions. Like obviously - OBVIOUSLY - if Fitz and the Fool didn’t have romantic feelings for each other before, there is no doubting that romantic feelings appeared the moment Fitz appeared in the Fool’s hut. Fitz won’t admit that but mere chapters later the Fool is talking about how he loves Fitz in every way so like. He knows. So how does he feel when Fitz is calling out for Molly in his sleep, or openly speaking of seeking her out when all this is over, and lying to the Fool to protect Molly and his daughter. Really makes u think!!!!

Fitz reuniting with Sooty and going to see her every day in Jhaampe is so cuuuute and made me so happy. Sooty is a good girl :’)

Fitz be like *leans against the table where the Fool is carving and watches his fingers at work like a true repressed gay*

Verity is literally so strong???? He submerged himself in skill and was able to pull himself back from the stream can u imagine? Go off king!

Bro I literally can’t with the Fool mentioning Jofron so casually and Fitz immediately thinking wow oh my god they’re definitely fucking oh my god the Fool has a girlfriend - Fitz sweetie calm down

I love how Fitz and the Fool just naturally walk together :))) and Nighteyes babysitting Kettle is so cute

Molly never once says that she misses Fitz. She says she always expected him to do the right thing, to come after her and not leave her alone with a child. But she doesn’t look back on their time together fondly or have much positive to say about him as a person. And all that is fair, but it’s also just… Not really the behaviour of someone who’s been separated from their soulmate. It’s more just someone who’s been left in a shitty position by someone they cared about but hardly knew.

Fitz asking the Fool what is between him and Starling when they’re literally just being civil is sooooo fucking funny. Not everyone finds the Fool as irresistible as you do, Fitz.

The Fool just casually finding a pretext to call Fitz the light of his life

Fitz telling Kettricken firmly that he will not travel if the Fool is ill is one of the only times he ever puts his foot down with her GEE I WONDER WHY

I’ve said it before I’ll say it again…… there really do be something about the way Fitz can’t meet the Fool’s eyes………. It’s not like they’re weird and colourless anymore like they used to be!!!

The Fool already talking about Clerres in this book!

Fitz and the Fool and Nighteyes playing in the stream is too fucking pure omg, it’s what they deserve

And then Starling has to bloody ruin it bc she’s homophobique

But seriously, Fitz actually lets go for the first time in ages and has a nice evening only for Starling to go tattling to Kettricken, and Kettricken having the gall to confront Fitz about it. And then Fitz solves the problem by saying he doesn’t disdain her when like!! He has every right to!!!! She sold him out, sold his daughter out. She never even apologised but instead has just been totally petty and self-righteous and stirring up trouble amongst the group. She hasn’t earned or even asked for his forgiveness. So fitting that she’s the one constantly judging Fitz for his relationship with Lord Golden in Tawny Man lol, she just cannot let Fitz and the Fool be the queer icons they are!!!

Verrrrrrrrrrry interesting that Fitz only “suddenly missed the human warmth and comfort” of Starling taking his arm or sleeping against him literally IMMEDIATELY after the plumbing and love confrontation with the Fool. I mean he has been doing all of those things with the Fool (sleeping together, walking arm in arm etc.) so it’s not about human touch at all, it’s about convincing himself that a WOMAN’S touch is somehow inherently different.

He does the same thing with Starling as with Kettricken. She technically apologises but it’s not sincere and that’s not why he forgives her. Same as Kettricken, she tells her sob story and he can’t hold onto his anger. It makes sense, but it’s just very toxic. It would be nice if at least one person would really recognise how much they’ve hurt Fitz and really, genuinely want to atone for it, or apologise without expecting forgiveness. The onus should not be on Fitz to forgive Starling but on Starling to grow up and not need Fitz to like her in order to remain civil and do what they have to. Also “I do not find your wit bond offensive” has the same energy as someone telling you out of nowhere like “It’s fine that you’re gay :)” like wow thank u?? lol

Fitz is Demisexual, Exhibit C: “I wanted her with a desperation that had nothing to do with love, and even, I believe, little to do with lust.”

“By his love he is betrayed, and his love betrayed also.” So fate agrees with me, Fitz and the Fool are in love? :)

Anytime the potential that Fitz might have to choose between Molly and Nighteyes I lose brain cells. That’s ur brother Fitz!!! It’s not even a choice!! How dare u

It’s just sooooo intentionally laid out for us in this book that Fitz’s relationship with Molly really wasn’t good or healthy and that his fixation on it is misguided, and I think that’s why I struggled sooooo hard with the ending of Fool’s Fate, because it kind of implied the exact opposite. I’m hoping on this reread I will pick up on it being laid out as a result of Fitz getting his memories/teen feelings back rather than it just feeling like a lowkey retcon, but I guess we’ll see lol

“I felt I was a bit in love with him, you know. That sort of lift to the heart.” the confirmation that the Fool KNOWS HOW IT FEELS TO BE IN LOVE sends me deep into the swamps goodbyeeeeeeeeeeee

“The one who loves him best will betray him most foully.” So fate agrees, the Fool loves Fitz best :)

“You do love me! … Before, it was words. I always feared it was born out of pity.” Godddddd Foooooooooool!!!!!!!!!!! 

Everything about Fitz, the Fool and Nighteyes meeting in the skill for the first time is just truly perfect iconic unparalleled.

Fitz’s love for Verity hurts my heart so much. Just think of the relationship they could have had if they weren’t stupid royals.

Kettle’s whole speech about Fitz and Molly… Just yes to every word.

Look I’m just gonna say it… The way Burrich reacts to Molly’s advances … like I know it’s probably not intentional but it just reads as very much fitting in with my headcanon that he is gay. As soon as she makes it clear she wants to sleep with him he like leaps across the room lol. I do believe he cares for her and loves her in his way, but it does feel mostly like he’ll just do whatever he needs to to care for her and the baby.  Sowwy

I wonder why the Fool wasn’t as affected by his giving up of memories to Girl-on-a-Dragon?? Or was he, and he just gets them back before we see him again in Tawny Man?

“Take my hurt that I never knew my father, take my hours of staring up at his portrait when the great hall was empty and I could do so alone.” um this is so fucking sad

It was the Fool who sent Starling to find Fitz after Verity uses his body and again I have to ask, wtf is going on in your mind, Fool!

Fitz is Demisexual, Exhibit D: Even once he actually sleeps with Starling he has no enthusiasm about it, he just kind of goes along with it, likely to prove to himself that he has really let go of his past/Molly. 

I always wonder why the Fool leaves now. Is it because he thinks their work is done and doesn’t want to risk messing things up by hanging around his catalyst like at the end of Tawny Man? Does he intend to come back and find Fitz again but get sidetracked by a lead or a new dream? Like it’s just weird because at first he was like “Prophet and Catalyst stick together” and was gonna stay with Fitz - or was that just an excuse because he was obsessed with Girl-on-a-Dragon? Fool u spicy lil enigma

It’s blood and the wit that wakes the stone dragons so does that mean King Wisdom was witted? Or is that obvious lol

Fitz isn’t even bothered by the Fool’s kiss, just shocked. I am looking.

Patience shouting orders at Verity-as-Dragon is beautiful ksjjk

Of courrrrrssse Burrich names his first son Chivalry

In the epilogue, the Fool is the only one Fitz actually says he misses. Exquisite.

I know some people have an issue with Regal’s death but personally I find it delicious

Okay that’s all (I say as if this wasn’t 139841989 pages long). See y’all in 92 years when my sister finally starts reading Liveship!

[altr5312916195]

Hi I wrote an article on Unus Annus for my school newspaper here's that:

Team Unus Annus 10 minutes before the final stream. From left to right Mark Fishbach, editor Vincent Van, editor Amy Nelson, Ethan Nestor, editor Evan (no last name given) 

What if you only had one year? Would you use that time wisely, or would you overestimate your time? 

These are the ever looming questions posed by the Youtube channel, Unus Annus, or translated from Latin to English, One Remarkable Year. 

Mark Edward Fishbach, and Ethan Mark Darling-Nestor started the channel Unus Annus one year ago on November 15th, 2019. November, Friday the 13th, 2020, marks Unus Annus’s death. To celebrate the pair are having a long twelve hour livestream. From 12 pm to 12 am PST. In CST, Arlington’s time zone the stream will span from 2 pm to 2 am.

The pair created this self destructing channel to press the idea that time is limited, and death is inevitable. “We live our lives taking each second for granted.” “But what would you do if you knew how much time you had left?” Where the opening words of Unus Annus’s first video, posted at 12 am PST. This video set up the theme for  the year to come. Through the year Ethan, and Mark challenged themselves to go further beyond what they thought they could do. “We took each day on as a new adventure, an opportunity to learn, to grow, to step out of our comfort zones. Whether it was being pepper sprayed, or making breakfast with the unlikeliest of tools, this defined Unus Annus.” Ethan wrote in his letter to the channel. But by the end of the year it seemed to grow more cryptic, and emotional.

Ethan and Mark in The Truth of Unus Annus 13 days before the end of Unus Annus 

Unus and Annus in The Truth of Unus Annus 13 days before the end of Unus Annus 

At face value Unus Annus was a simple channel, where two idiots tried to live life to the fullest. Now it seemed Unus and Annus were separate characters from Ethan, and Mark respectively, and as the clock ticked on Unus and Annus took over more, and more.

 On October 31st, 2020, Unus and Annus took over the channel a mere 13 days before the end. “Time’s up, it’s been quite a year hasn’t it? Now it’s over. A year is many things, but it’s not forever. There are no second chances, no do overs. You had your one year. Now it’s over. It’s finally time to accept the truth.” Unus and Annus explained to Ethan, and Mark over their walkie talkies. Though Unus and Annus appeared to the viewers before, in the first video, Unus Annus. Again in This Is The End, and once more in This Is Goodbye, posted with 100 days of Unus Annus left. “The end isn’t something you need to fear anymore.  You don’t need us to hold your hand anymore. You’re so much stronger than you know. You have so much potential. You have drive, you have passion, you have creativity. We’re happy to have walked this journey together with you. We’ll always be with you, in your memories. And we’ll have watched over you until the bitter end. “

This is Goodbye was a simple reminder that time was running out, and we had to use it wisely. 

And boy did people use it. The Unus Annus fandom is a bustling community full of creativity. Whether in art, songs, stories, or theories the community had no end to their potential just as Unus had told us in This Is Goodbye. In the final stretch we got to experience many fun things, one of the most notable being Camp Unus Annus. A week full of videos of Mark and Ethan having fun in the woods building tents, playing team building games, learning about the dangers of nature, running from bears, and hunting for the ever illusive HeeHoo. The viewers took the idea of Camp Unus Annus very quickly. Everyone made their own character that would go to the camp, found a camp buddy as to not break the buddy system, determined what cabin they’d be in, and of course sold out the merchandise for camp. 

Camp Unus Annus Councilors from left to right Evan, Ethan, Mark, Amy, Bear

Unus Annus has proven to bring people together in a wonderful way. For myself I’ve made many friends in my one year. I’ve written a story for everyone at camp that was extremely well received. Unus Annus has become a big part of many people’s daily lives in just a year! One Example is a student of Arlington high school, removedforstudent'sprivacy. I sat down with removedforstudent'sprivacy to ask her about her experience with Unus Annus 

Eclipse: Why do you think Unus Annus was made? 

Removedforstudent'sprivacy: I think it’s a social experiment  to see how the internet has conditioned us to seeing things as permanent. 

E: What is Unus Annus to you? 

J: I think it’s two idiot friends putting their most random video ideas together to create what Unus Annus is. 

E: What was your favorite video? 

J: Probably all of Camp Unus Annus, and the escape room, but my birthday video was Being Brutally Honest With Each Other and that was sweet. I loved seeing them (Mark and Ethan) communicate and just be thankful for having their year together

E: How has the Unus Annus experience changed you? 

J: 2020 as a whole changed me, and it was the perfect year for the channel. Though by the channel’s end I realized the meaning of life, and in fact I was wasting my own time watching the channel. 

The night Unus Annus ended I spent it with my friend, Removedforstudent'sprivacy. It was a chaotic night for us both, but I was able to ask him some things in between watching the clock count down, and crying.

Eclipse: Why do you think Unus Annus was made? 

Removedforstudent'sprivacy: I think it was to showcase the inevitability of death like they said it was. 

E: What was Unus Annus to you?

T: To me Unus Annus was another lifeline. If something was going wrong and I needed to ground myself the videos were there for me. 

E: How has the channel changed your outlook on life? 

T:It just made me happier. I’m more interested in being alive now, Unus Annus made me think life was worth more than was I initially thought. 

E: Are you ready for the end? 

T: I believed I was ready for the end, but then I watched it happen. Like everyone else, I was in denial that there was no way they’d delete the channel, then they did. Some piece of me left with it, but now it’s time to get over it. 

E: Did you use your year wisely? 

T: No. I feel like I could’ve done better for myself. I could’ve bettered myself mentally, emotionally, and intellectually but even with the time limit I just didn’t. 

And as the end drew closer I asked myself these questions. To me Unus Annus was a comfort channel. Over the year I grew more attached to Mark, and Ethan even though I’d been watching them both for years before. 

Now in a way, I understand how precious time is for all of us. Ethan, and Mark gave an entire year away to us, and now they’re both jumping back into work on their own channels without much of a break. Even as the channel came to an end I was never ready, days after I’m still mourning. I don’t believe I used my time wisely either. There’s some Unus Annus videos I haven’t even seen. I still have an unfinished story people are waiting on. The clock’s run out, and there’s still things I need to do. 

 

We live our lives taking each second for granted, but the end isn’t something you need to fear anymore. We did this year to the fullest. I was happy to walk onto the set today, we did our best, and everyone took it to heart. That’s all I wanted. See you on the other side. Memento Mori, Unus Annus.  We’ll always have the memories, and the merch of course. - Mark Edward Fishbach. 

Mark Fishbach, Amy Nelson (Mark’s significant other) and Ethan Nestor deleting the channel on stream

[therealjordan23]

My heart melted after reading these 5 messages: I think this is the most heartwarming message I've ever gotten in the past year I've been posting my stories. You can really hear the anxiety in this anon's voice, and reading these just made my heart break :(

Hey anon :) 

The finale has definitely put a strain on a lot of people's stories, me included, and me and a lot of other authors are still trying to figure out how to handle each story Debbigail-wise. It's not the fact the plot twist is affecting my writing, it's the fact that when I see how they handled the finale and Season 3 itself, I just feel drained—something dangerous to feel whenever you're writing, because you're always subconsciously channeling your emotions into your writing. 

When I watched DuckTales for the first time, I was thrilled! This was gonna be the show that fixed everything: the show that was going to make up for Star Vs, the show that was going to bring old souls and young souls together, whether they be from 1987 or 2017: and the first season did just that: the writing was incredible, the characters were relatable, the tension was high, and so were the stakes. The storyline was so compelling, physical anxiety and emotions were felt when each and every character was caught in a sticky situation. As if that wasn't enough, on top of everything I just listed, the show brought comfort to a lot of people. It managed to inspire me and so many others to create content for these lovable characters Angones created.  

One Thing Leads to Another was written when my emotions were at an all time high, when the show was thrilling and captivating. It has its faults, I'm not perfect, but similarly to how Frank decided to age these old 1987 characters up to a more modern setting, One Thing Leads to Another was my take on what the characters would behave like once they were older. When they would face serious problems, such as drug usage, mental health, suicidal thoughts, sexual health, depression, grief, loss, you name it. These were all situations from my own life. I try to make my characters relatable and real, I'm not sugarcoating anything, so when you tell me that you're emotionally invested in the characters that I took on, it means a lot, because that was what the story was designed to do❤

Recently, when I'm typing up the next chapter I have for OTLTA, I just pause, and read the earlier chapters. And I can see such a big difference between then and now, to when I was invested in the show, to now, where I'm not. My plot's all weird and all over the place, it's sloppy, and I feel like I won't be able to give my audience a satisfying ending: and since the show couldn't do that either, I feel like the stakes are higher. I felt down, and couldn't bring myself to write a decent chapter. 

Then I came across your messages, and I feel like that just changed everything. It provided me with a lot of newfound confidence, and more excitement and motivation to finish the damn story. You're definitely not coming off as an annoying reader, believe me, I've encountered many XD 

And it’s alright to keep reading :) You don’t have to keep rereading chapters XDD because I’ll always still be producing DuckTales content. Will it be more muted? Yeah, of course, but that only allows me to explore more fandoms and create more content for you guys. But, don't worry—my stories give me life, and I'm glad you've gotten so attached to it. I am not going to delete them. I remember how sad I was when I saw that This is Love was deleted, and I don't ever want for my audience to think that I gave up on them. 

So, thank you for the positive reinforcement❤ it was much needed and much appreciated :)

[kermitthequeer]

review: Color Rush

Disclaimer: This is my very own humble opinion. If you  agree with my review, I’m glad that I’ve found someone like-minded, if  you do not agree, that’s fine too. Every opinion is valid. Don’t hate me  for mine.

I do not speak any asian language and therefore I rely solely on subtitles. And we all know that they are not always flawless. So if I misread a situation or misunderstand something, feel free to inform me. Spoilers ahead!

Genre: BL

From: Korea

Known Actors:  /

Trigger Warnings: obsession, death, attempted suicide

Rating: 7.5/10 ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ ☆    

Synopsis: Yeon Woo knows the world is full of colors but he has never seen them for himself, he’s only able see the world in shades of grey. At least until the day Yoo Han comes crashing into his world. And it turns out that they are mono and probe. Means that Yeon Woo is able to see colors, everytime Yoo Han takes off his mask. While all this is going on, his aunt Yi Rang searches desperately for her sister who went missing years ago.

Main Character(s): Choi Yeon Woo, Go Yoo Han

Side Character(s):  Jung Joo Haeng, Kim Min Jae, Yoo Yi Rang

Short Appereance: Yeon Woo’s mother & father, the school nurse

Main Couple(s): YeonWooxYooHan

Side Couple(s): /

My review:

I went into this show trying to keep my expectations low - well as low as I can keep them. This was my third korean BL, before that I watched Where Your Eyes Linger and Mr. Heart and I liked both of them. Oh boy, I wasn’t ready for the rabbit hole I was going down.

I always try to remain a somewhat objective side in my reviews, so that everyone can enjoy it, no matter if they actually liked the show or not. I will try my best to do it with this BL as well, but just know that it’s not easy for me. The last few days were a wild ride and thanks to the pandemic and the semi-lockdown that we have for weeks now, I am in no good place to get emotionally attached to characters or series. But here I am.

In this review there will be a few terms that some may not know or understand and before I have to repeat myself, here a little definition:

Mono: A mono, is a person that isn’t able to see colors, even though they have everything they needed to. Their brain just can’t decipher them for some reason. Only, when they look at the face of a special someone called “probe” they are able to see colors.

Probe: A probe is a person which can see all colors and by looking at their mono, with their whole face uncovered the monos can see colors.

Color Rush: It’s something the mono experiences every time, he looks at his probe. The frist few times are pretty heavy and the mono mostly faints, but at a while the effects wear off.

Decolorating: After some time (e.g. the mono isn’t looking at the face of the probe anymore, they seperate) they begin to lose the ability to see colors again. It depends on different factors (e.g. how many colors rushes did you have, how close are you with your probe, etc.) The more you “get used to” your probe the longer you can see colors.

Anyway, let’s begin.

Yeon Woo and Yoo Han

In the beginning of this story our main character, Yeon Woo, explains his view on this whole mono/probe thing. He himself is a mono and his mother was also a mono. The chance for a mono to meet his probe is extremely rare and most don’t think that they will ever meet their probe at all - and so does Yeon Woo.

The problem with the whole mono/probe thing is that many monos are getting really often obsessed with their probe and the colors that they are able to see. The fear of losing them is driving them insane and therefore some monos kidnap, hurt and kill their probe.

Yeon Woo stance to that: A mono should never meet his probe.

After beating up some guy who made fun of Yeon Woo for being a mono, he has to transfer schools again. On his way there he explains that he can actually see different shades of grey and that his mother teached him the ten differenct shades of the grey color palette.

Introduction of orange hoddie guy. He slept on his desk but now he wakes up (the teacher’s don’t even care to wake him up anymore, love that). And after he introduces himself as Yoo Han, he wants to make very clear (perhaps too clear) that Yeon Woo is “really pretty”.

He even gets up from his chair and follows Yeon Woo across the room, to tell him that again. In case he forgot over the course of a few minutes. But hey, we all need a friend who constantly reminds us that we are enough and beautiful, go Yoo Han!

Anyways, Yeon Woo is minding his own business and stares at a poster and after Yoo Han once again admired Yeon Woo’s beauty, Yoo Han takes of his mask, that he was wearing for some reason (Joo Haeng said that he tried to make it a new trend or smth).

We don’t know why he took it off. If he had trouble breathing, if he wanted to prove to Yeon Woo that he was also stunningly handsome or if he just felt like it.

And that’s when Yeon Woo experiences his first color rush. Overwhelmed by the it he faints. And for some reason, Yoo Han seems not scared at all but excited to be part of this adventure. And after taking Yeon Woo to the school nurse, he says something along the lines of: Oh his eyes are closed but his eyes are moving, that means that he is experiencing a color rush.

And the nurse, that probably doesn’t get paid enough, repsonds with: Yeah, maybe. I dunno, it’s my first time seeing this. Let me know if he rips out his eyeballs or dies or smth. I gotta go get some stuff. Bye.

Yeon Woo opens his eyes and is amazed by the colors that he is able to see. But loses the ability pretty quickly. And Yoo Han declares - in case Yeon Woo might have missed it - that he is in fact Yeon Woo’s probe.

Of course, Yeon Woo is really sad that he is back to the grey-ish palette of life again, but he stays strong and says that he does not want to do this again. He reminds Yoo Han that being a mono/probe is all fun and games until the mono get’s obsessed. Like, monos have kidnapped and killed their probes and apparently ate their flesh?

But Yoo Han couldn’t be more unbothered by that. And I don’t know if I should be impressed or worried because of that. After Yeon Woo explains his concerns to Yoo Han, the guy’s like: Ah.

Yoo Han is not only immune to fear and common sense, he is also very headstrong and is determent to teach Yeon Woo the colors. The question we all have in mind probably is:

Why is Yoo Han so eager to continue this dangerous relationship?

Well we get a great answer to that from Yoo Han himself: He likes Yeon Woo’s eye moevement while he experiences a color rush, so...yeah.

Great reason, let’s move on.

The next day of school, Yoo Han got a color palette to show Yeon Woo and to teach him the different colors. But since Yeon Woo doesn’t want to do a color rush again he pretents that he isn’t interested. Yeon Woo has enough of Yoo Han constantly being all up his ass with all this color rush thing, so he tries to leave. But Yoo Han tricks him. After Yoo Han recognizes that Yeon Woo isn’t giving in, he takes off his mask. Yeon Woo faints and wakes up in the nursing room.

This time, the nurse isn’t there. it’s probably her break or something. Before Yeon Woo can get really upset about Yoo Han’s trick, he sees the colors palette and all the colors on it. And the desire in him grows. But decolorating happens only a few seconds later.

And there’s where we see the first glance of desperation of Yeon Woo. He demands that Yoo Han takes off his mask, so he can see the colors again, but Yoo Han is a smart business man and so he wants something in return. He’s like: That was the preview, the free trial is over. From no on, you gotta pay.

And since Yeon Woo isn’t giving in, their ways part. And the story ends...if Yoo Han would actually respect boundaries. But he doesn’t so here we go.

Yoo Han tries again to lure Yeon Woo into agreeing to his deal. He shows him with the power of science and prism a rainbow and the nightview.

No matter how hard Yeon Woo tries to stay away from Yoo Han, Yoo Han pulls him back in.

Yoo Han says that this the last time, that he will give Yeon Woo a color rush for free. And Yeon Woo agrees, thinking that this will be his last time before telling Yoo Han that he will end this for good.

As the colors seem to fade away again, the desperation creeps up on Yeon Woo once again. He asks Yoo Han what he wants in return to keep doing this. And as we all know he wants to look at his face.

And to our big surprise, Yeon Woo finally agrees to Yoo Han’s deal. The next day, Yeon Woo regrets what he did, just like someone who drunk too much last night. He considers to avoid Yoo Han, but we all know how that works out.

So, Yoo Han has the great idea to scare Yeon Woo, by jumping in front of him and scream, which results in Yoo Han getting accidentally punched by Yeon Woo. They go the the nursing room and at that point I ask myself how they are doing in school, since they never seem to attend classes.

The nurse is probably still on her break or she just quit, who knows. We get the classic “I’ll treat your wound” scene. The inevitable happens, and after putting a little too much pressure on Yoo Han’s wound, Yoo Han flinches and the mask slides off his face. Another color rush.

Yeon Woo wakes up but can’t remember anything. Yoo Han explains that Yeon Woo cried his eyes out, but didn’t seem concious.

Yeon Woo apparently said that he needed the colors to see the headband (of his mother who disappeared and apparently wore the headband that day).The nurse comes in and seems not too happy about the fact that these two visit her at least once a week.

She says that this was totally normal and one of the phases a mono went through, while adjusting to one’s probe. The color rush would extend and he would not be able to remember afterwards. In that way his subconcious could surface.

And while Yeon Woo’s feelings are still all over the place, Yoo Han has set his priorities straight: So that he get’s used to the color rushes is a good sign, right?

Like, your man is sitting there crying his eyes out and you think about him adjusting to you? Dude, at least pretend that you care about his inner turmoil.

The nurse keeps up a professional facade and adds as polite as she can be: Don’t do it at school for the time being. Which basically translates to: Can you two give me a break for once? I haven’t worked this hard since 1986 and I’m 29.

On their way out, Yoo Han says: I’m happy that you are adjusting to it. Like he just wasn’t right next to Yeon Woo weeping like someone would rip his heart out. That’s when Yoo Han remembers that he has a heart and should use it once in a while and he adds: You scared me a little back there.

Yeah, me too, buddy. Me too.

While Yoo Han tries to have this converstaion, Yeon Woo is caught up in his thoughts. And I mean he has all reason to be upset. He is scared of what will come next. What if he get’s used to his probe and the colors? What comes after that? Obsession...kidnapping?

Because Yeon Woo hasn’t said anything, Yoo Han is scared that he might has forgotten how pretty he is, so Yoo Han has to remind him again. We love a supportive probe. But for real Yoo Han, we got it the first three times, I think he knows by now.

Yoo Han doesn’t think about any of this “obsession”-stuff at all, so he doesn’t get why Yeon Woo isn’t so thrilled about the whole thing. Outside, Yoo Han cuddles Yeon Woo from behind and says that he was actually worried earlier and they have to wait here because it’s raining.

We never get an explanation why that’s a problem. Maybe he forgot his umbrella and doesn’t want to get wet or wait there all on his own? Or Yoo Han hopes that he can show him a real rainbow this time? But wouldn’t it be a little careless to do another color rush shortly after what had happened?

Yeon Woo is again caught up in his thoughts. And we can feel how much he suffers already: [...] But when I felt a moment of happiness, I saw the happiness draining out from my view. Loss. Only having moments of happiness...that leave me all alone in a land of grey...terrifies me.

Long story short, Yeon Woo tries to run away, and after Yoo Han stops him and asks why he did that, he says: Because it just crossed my mind that I want to keep you forever.

HUGE RED FLAG my guy! Yoo Han RUN!

This might have been cute in other shows and all...because we tend to romantacize this “I can’t live without you” and “I never wat to lose you”...but we all know that it isn’t meant in a cute way. He wants to keep him. You know, like you would keep an object. A refrigerator or something like that. Not a human being.

The following day, Yoo Han is not in school and you got me there. I was really thinking that maybe my boy here would finally take a hint and leave. Yeon Woo thinks that it’s because of what he said to him yesterday, which would make sense. But we all know Yoo Han, with his death wish that he probably has and the distance that he keeps from comon sense.

So, of course he isn’t avoiding school, becaue his mono - that told him mulitple times that monos get obsessive and kidnap their probes - just now told him that he wanted to keep him. And it seems that Yoo Han is really wearing rose-colored glasses, because he isn’t able to see the red flags. Or maybe he has his own reasons why he wants to be near him...(yes I’m blatantly forshadowing here).

He later texts Yeon Woo and they make a trip to “have fun with colors”. This is the first time Yeon Woo doesn’t faint, while experiencing a color rush and they goof around and hold hands and are cute together. And Yeon Woo is thinking that he would want to keep these colors and the happy feeling forever, even if that would mean that he would have to hurt Yoo Han...true love right there, people.

Alas, this trip ends and Yeon Woo returns to his tense state, worrying that he might get more and more attached to his probe. He thanks Yoo Han for this trip and wants to go, but Yoo Han isn’t ready to let him go just yet.

So, they both return to Yeon Woo’s house, thinking that the aunt is still on her “business trip”. Shortly before Yeon Woo’s father died, he painted a picture of his mother, but he never got a “real” look at it with all its colors. Yoo Han agrees to help him see the picture with “all its colors”. After a brief breakdown and Yoo Han reassuring him that he is by his side and he will be the key to his colors, the door opens. Turns out the aunt is back! You didn’t see that coming, did you?

Yeon Woo and Yoo Han try their best to keep their mono/probe status a secret. And they are as good in hiding a secret as kids are, when they give you a totally normal drink that they definitely didn’t fill with salt or dirt or something and can’t stop giggling and begging you to take a big sip.

Yeon Woo tries to act normal, even though he sees his aunt in “full color” for the first time. And Yoo Han is over there smililing like: yep, I know exactly what’s going on right now, you can thank me later.

Yeon Woo walks Yoo Han to the bus station. On their way Yeon Woo is happy to let Yoo Han know that he can still see the colors. And Yoo Han gets all excited like: OMG! That means that your feelings for me let you slowly accept it. And Yeon Woo is like: Yeah, no definitely not. Feelings for you??

They arrive at the bus station and Yoo Han has to flex with his kind of impressive knowledge about colors.  After Yoo Han entered the bus, Yeon Woo’s decolerating.

Yeon Woo is again, desperately trying to cling onto the colors and has a minor breakdown. Thinking that without Yoo Han life is empty and lifeless and he’s just feels like an empty shell. And I’m here like...dude the ship is about to sail, get on board and leave as long as you can! You are already obsessed with him, please!

As he returns back to his aunt, she let’s him know that she ain’t stupid and knows that Yoo Han is his probe. Isn’t that obvious? The whole school probably knows already. I mean, look at them.

The aunt got all the brain cells and she’s like: You have to transfer schools and we have to move. Finally an adult being an adult and doing wise and good things. But oh no, it’s too late and Yeon Woo is determent to stay: “I will try my best to handle it. I’m different I’m not like other monos.” I can resist and rise above the urge.”

Huh..my dear, are we just pretending like you weren’t breaking down, because your life felt lifeless without him and you already think about keeping him? And now you are sitting there pretending you are all high and mighty and “different?” while you are obsession over the guy you met like a week ago? Lying to her saying that you can handle it and will rise above the urge, while you had a breakdown just FIVE MINUTES AGO? Mmk...

And the aunt is continuing asking the real questions: Are you not aware of the loss you’ll experience? How can you possibly handle that? And I’m like: YES! Please, help them! Go get him! But alas, my hopes crashed, because Yeon Woo starts to cry and no one can be mad at Yeon Woo when he cries. And so his aunt’s like: K, we stay.

And so these wise words were sadly too late. Yeon Woo is already in too deep. The next time he is in school, Yoo Han is not there. And he switched to full obsession mode. With a concerningly calmy voice he asks his friends: What if I kidnap Yoo Han? Like it was something totally normal to ask.

Joo Haeng tries to make this situation less weird and says: Hah..ha.. I mean, if you would kidnap him he probably would lock the door himself.

His other friend, Min Jae totally looks through this “jokes” and says: Do you really want to become a monster? That’s when Joo Haeng seems to understand that this wasn’t a joke at all. And his expression changes and you could slowly see the realisation:.haha..that’s a weird joke to make..okay..no one’s laughing..wait..you were joking right?

Yeon Woo falls more and more into the dark rabbit whole and buys a bunch off stuff that you would totally need to kidnap someone, but the seller is like: Teenagers these days. Guess, I’m minding my own business. Which I always aprove, but not in this case! Dude you live in a world with monos who go insane and kidnap their probes and you don’t wanna maybe...inform some authorities? Check his ID or call the police? Anything? No?

Espacially with so many cases popping up shouldn’t monos get asigned some therapist or counselor or someone who keeps an eye on them?

While Yeon Woo is researching how to tie a rope, his aunt comes in and asks him, if he is okay. Sweety, I love you, but he is CLEARLY NOT OKAY! She says that she can feel that something’s off. He reminds her off his mother, shortly before she brought home his father. Yeon Woo reassures her that he’s fine and not up to anything. And she just...  leaves.

Yoo Han returns to school because he missed Yeon Woo - probably the way Yeon Woo stares at him. Yoo Han notices the mark on Yeon Woo’s wrist (he tried to tie the rope around his wrist to learn it) and get’s worried. But not about himself, of course. Because why would you?

And Yeon Woo’s like: I wonder how this mark seems to him. Well I’m telling you, if he isn’t running away now, don’t worry too much about Yoo Han, because I think that he really has a death wish. He would probably tie his own rope, if you ask him nicely.

Yeon Woo reminds us that he was right all along. A mono and a probe shouldn’t meet. A mono will only hurt his probe, because he doesn’t want to lose, what the probe can show him.

So, yeah. What’s the lesson here, kids? When someone tells you that they are “not good for you” or “dangerous”, believe them. Because they are.

Despite Yeon Woo’s assumptions, Yoo Han can’t read minds and that’s why he has no clue what’s going on. Instead, he lists the different shades of brown. And oh boy did this show teach me about all the different shades of colors I didn’t know existed.

Yeon Woo is seemingly melting. The two look at a picture that Yeon Woo painted of his mother in grey colors. They talk a little about how Yeon Woo sees the world, when Yoo Han isn’t there.

Despite standing so close to his probe, Yeon Woo decolerates. This catches him totally off guard and he runs away. At home, he rambles on about how he becomes a monster and that this monster is coming for Yoo Han. And that there is only one way to keep Yoo Han safe. And he uses the rope and tries to hang himself.

He wakes up in a hospital. His aunt is with him and tells him that he was out for ten days. She adds, that she knew that something was up and what he was planing. Mmhm, yeah of course. That’s what I always say when I pretend that I saw a plot twist coming. I know your game Yi Rang.

The house is back on the market and no one knows where he is (well besides the two of them ig). We follow him for an unclear amount of time. He takes pills that are supposed to help him.

Even though Yeon Woo is sad that this means goodbye Yoo Han, he accepts it, thinking that this was the only way that things could get back to normal again. What a selfless man. Putting the well being of his love before his own happiness (well it’s also better for his sanity tbh).

And that’s how it all en- Oh, right. Yoo Han is not selfless and he doesn’t care about his own well being. That’s why one night, after Yeon Woo overanalyses his current situation, someone is standing outside of his window. And surprise: It’s Yoo Han.

He climbs through the window with such grace that I thought that this might be a dream. And Yeon Woo probably felt the same, because he says that this can’t be real and that this is probably only another hallucination. But Yoo Han takes off his mask to show him, that he’s real. He is here to rescue him..from the hospital, I guess. After Yeon Woo changed, they both run to a bus station and drive off into happiness aka to the ocean.

They are planning to go to the beach, because Yoo Han wants to show Yeon Woo the real color of the ocean, but they have to stay at a hotel overnight. While Yoo Han has to sleep on the floor, he opens a little bit up about why he is here and what happened.

And what basically happened is: Yeon Woo disappeared and because he didn’t want to lose him, this was the only solution he had in mind.

The next day they both chill at the beach and it’s time for Yoo Han to show off his color-knowledge again. So he lists all the different shades of blue - well the shades he can recall. And Yoo Han says that he memorizes them and the thought of Yeon Woo would make it easier for him to do it. What a man, honestly. Like, I struggle lately with studying and concentrating and seeing him putting up with all that work for, so he can pretend that he is the master of the color-universe for two minutes or less. That’s determination.

Yeon Woo calls his aunt to make sure that she doesn’t die of a heart attack, after her nephew also disappeared and the aunt says that Yoo Han has a really powerful family and that they will press charges against Yeon Woo for kidnapping Yoo Han, if they don’t come back. Yeon Woo is upset that Yoo Han’s parents are pressing charges against something he didn’t do (well I mean he probably did it multiple times in his head).

Yoo Han FINALLY tells him the whole truth. That he is no longer interested in becoming an idol and prefers to study and (more importantly) he tells him the REAL reason why he was so eager to have Yeon Woo around him.

And get ready you guys because this will blow your minds: He isn’t able to recognize faces. Faceblindness. BUT he is ablte to see Yeon Woo’s face. Which was the reason that he was so drawn to him. Everytime they would seperate, he wouldn’t be able to remember it. Only, when he saw him in front of him (espacially when he experienced a color rush) he was able to see it.

Just imagine how lucky they are? I mean, just imagine you can’t see faces and one day you can. But only one face and this one face belongs to Yeon Woo who is just gorgeous and has a beautiful and kind soul. It could’ve been any face that he was able to see. Same goes for Yeon Woo. His probe could’ve been anyone. To be this lucky just once in life..

Yeon Woo still worries that he might get even more obsessed over time and that he might harm Yoo Han one day. But Yoo Han is like: Dude, don’t you realize how super special we are? I can only see your face and you can only see colors with my face. I don’t care. I can see your face. You can see colors. We like each other.

And so they kiss and become boyfriends and return home.

A little time jump. Yeon Woo is preparing some food for Yoo Han and talks to his aunt who is not a fan of all of this but she supports him anyways. In school Yoo Han is talking to Min Jae who is giving him the code to the rooftop door of the school, so Yeon Woo and Yoo Han can have a little date. And everything is back to normal. The mother is still missing, Joo Haeng is still treated like the  least favorite child by Yoo Han. And Yeon Woo and Yoo Han still don’t attend classes.

Min Jae and Joo Haeng

Apparently Joo Haeng and Yoo Han are childhood best friends, even though Yoo Han seems to have a different definition of friends than I do. Yeon Woo meets the guys on his first day at school.

They are helping him, when he experiences a color rush. Min Jae is able to speak to his dead grandpa and gets visions form time to time. And the fact that Min Jae was able to predict the death of two students is just quickly talked about.

While Yeon Woo and Yoo Han have their moments we sometimes see Joo Haeng and Min Jae had their little “look at them being all cute and in love together” moments.

The aunt

Most of the time the aunt is away for “business trips” and Yeon Woo explains to us that she is actually looking for her sister. We never find out if she actually finds clues or why she is looking for her on an island.

Yeon Woo has many chances to tell his aunt that he has met his mono, but every time he chooses not to. Eventually she finds it out herself, after looking at Yeon Woo and Yoo Han for five minutes. And I mean, that was relatable.

When she walked in on Yeon Woo doing suspicous stuff, the only thing she says it: Don’t do anything stupid. Because that ever prevented something stupid from happening. Ma´am, if you think that he might be up to something stupid and you feel the need to point out that he shouldn’t do anything stupid why don’t you keep an eye on him???

In the end she is still a little careful about her nephew and the probe, but she accepts them being boyfriends, I guess.

Things I disliked

This show was wild ride. I even considered droping it, because I was not in the right mental state to watch a bad ending. But I made it through and I’m happy that I did. I love this show. But you know me. Nothing’s perfect.

Better built up to the drama. Even though the built up was pretty good, it would’ve been way better, if it did include the side characters more. So that the side characters could actually play an important/active role in this. Like the random nurse who was only there for exposition and only appeared when it was convenient, she could’ve seen Yeon Woo being all obsessed and talk to him or Yoo Han about it. And I mean, Min Jae was able to see visions and knew so much. He could’ve talked to Yoo Han about Yeon Woo “joking” that he would kidnap Yoo Han.

Too much plot for too little time. Most BL Kdramas have about the same length as a movie (circa 80 min.) which seems much, but really isn’t, compared to straigth Kdrama and the fact that it’s a series not a movie. It is espacially not enough, when you look at the heaviness of the plot. If you have a lighthearted and fluffy show, you don’t need to go too much into depth and make a 200 min. drama out of it. But Color Rush deals with so many heavy topics (obsession, suicide, loss). And the series is suffering because of that (so many questions left unanswered).

Like, the obvious one is that the mystery about the mother’s disappearence is never actually a plotline. The aunt runs off looking for her and Yeon Woo is sad because she’s gone but that’s it. I watched this show so many times and the more I watch it, the more questions I have... Did the mother also plan to kidnap the father? But they fell in love and got married before she could go psycho on him? Did she kill him? Is that why the mother disappeared? Did she run away because she just couldn’t live without him after he allegedly died?

And also an important questions: Why the hell, was Yoo Han so styled up in the last two episodes? He arrived with his hair styled and all dressed up like he just finished a photoshooting. Was that what was happening? Was that related to him being an idol trainee? Or was that the teenager in him trying to dress up for Yeon Woo like “well I don’t know if he is actually there but we haven’t seen in two weeks, so I gotta look breathtaking, you never know when you are going to meet the love of your life”. This is one of the questions that keep me up at night. I. Need. Answers.

I am dying to know the answer to these questions, but we have simply not enough information to guess what could’ve happened.

So yeah, they definitely have a time problem, which isn’t that uncommon for Korean BLs. Don’t get me wrong. A short serie can still be good, if it can carry the plot. It shouldn’t be too big or too heavy. But I will always prefer series that have 30+ min. per episode simply because as soon as I am invested in the episode it’s already over. Ten or fifteen minutes aren’t enough most of the time.

The ending seemed rushed, too. So many things were left unresolved. Like, Yeon Woo is still dangerous and even says that he only get’s more obsessed every day. And suddenly the parents and the aunt are totally okay that Yeon Woo and Yoo Han are together and hang out, even though they were so against it a few minutes ago. Something that could’ve been solved over time with more episodes and time.

More scenes that establish the characters and the friendship. In a short series it’s important that every scene drives the plot forward or at least establishes something important. That’s why Where Your Eyes Linger worked so well, the mains already knew each other, so you could immediately start with the plot and you didn’t need to waste time for them to meet and fall in love.

There is no room for filler or anything like that. I wish we would’ve seen more scenes with the whole friend group (all of them present) and more between Yoo Han and Yeon Woo without the color rush. Let them hang out afterwards to let them bond more. Because Yeon Woo says this very poetic thing at the end of the series: Am I obsessed with you becaue you are my probe, or am I obsessed with my probe because it’s you.

And as poetic as this sounds, it throws me off a little, since Yeon Woo and Yoo Han haven’t spent much time together to really get to know each other the answer that Yeon Woo is only obsessed with Yoo Han because of the mono/probe thing seems more believeable. The “am I obsessed with my probe because it’s you” implies that Yoo Han is special and means much to him as a person and that’s why Yeon Woo just HAs to fall for him. But they rarely spent time together that doesn’t focus on the color rush and the mono/probe part.

But then again, maybe it’s a choice to show that Yeon Woo isn’t aware that he and Yoo Han could be more than mono/probe? And that makes Yeon Woo think that he has no chance but to kidnap Yoo Han to be near him. Like, looking back, Yeon Woo never thought about it. His mother and his father (mono and probe) married, but him being in a relationship with Yoo Han still didn’t cross his mind once. He was like: We can’t see each other every day and went straight to well i don’t want to ever lose you so I gotta kidnap you.

Show more struggle. This show deals so much with internal struggle of Yeon Woo who realizes that he slowly get’s obsessed with his probe. And even though I really liked how they showed his struggle internally and externally to some extend, I wish they would’ve done more with that. I want him to have the rope ready in his backpack but not giving in to the to the urge. I want him daydreaming about kidnapping Yoo Han and really having a plan in mind.

No warning. Another thing that sort of bugged me a little was that Yeon Woo didn’t warn Yoo Han after the beginning. Just one scene were he’s like: “Dude, don’t you get it. I can’t be without you. I think about you constantly and the fear of losing the colors- of losing you is driving me insane. You need to keep your distance from now on. I can’t gurantee you that you will be safe with me and I can’t promise that I can actually resist the urge anymore.”

And then you could either seperate them or Yoo Han says smth like: “I know that feeling, I also think about you constantly and I miss you” and this just turns into a big miscomunnication/love confession-thing. Because Yoo Han really understands the feeling, since he is kind of obsessed with Yeon Woo too (because of his faceblindsness and the fact that he can only see Yeon Woo’s face) and Yeon Woo thinks that Yoo Han is not getting it and it’s a love declaration but it’s not - well it is but you get the drill.

Or, as I addressed earlier, Min Jae playing a bigger role and telling his friend that Yeon Woo is slowly going insane and thinks about kidknapping him.

And if all that doesn’t work out for some reason or it’s just...too much effort  make a parallel to the one scene between the talk of Yeon Woo and his aunt at the beginning: The aunt finds the stuff that Yeon Woo baught (or she just connects the dots sooner) and she wants to talk to him. “How can you handle it?” and this time Yeon Woo says “I don’t know what to do. I thought I could handle it, but I can’t.” and they work together to make a plan. And you can still have him go to the hospital and Yoo Han coming to the rescue.

All the time, I keep asking myself, why apparently no one felt the need to inform his aunt or maybe the probe about the situation? “Hey Yoo Han, Yeon Woo was really weird today. Talked about kidnapping you, please be careful.”

Like, I watch so many BL’s and at some point the parents or the ex-girlfriend or SOMEONE is always getting involved and tries to tear the couple apart. And for once, I would be okay with this plot device of the friends being cockblocks or the aunt threatening Yoo Han to stay away from Yeon Woo ESPACIALLY IF IT’S FOR HIS OWN GOOD DAMN SAFETY! But no.

That’s all the friends needed to do. You had one job, guys, one job.

Things I liked

The music. A banger. Listen to it on Spotify almost every day. Korean BLs just have on of the best music.

The chemistry. In a short series (espacially with short episodes) a good chemistry is fundamental so we can bond faster with the characters and the relationships. And in this show where the two leads are getting obsessed over each other, so here it’s espacially important so we can feel their deep desire for each other, if you want to call it that.

Yoo Han seemed a little emotionless and stiff at times, but IIRC he’s supposed to have a hard time with all these emotions, espacially with facial expressions, which makes sense.

The rainbow scene. One of my favorite scenes by far.

the handholding. We all know that it’s about the hands with the gays. It’s all about the hands.

the colors, the hole scene looked so beautiful shot with the dark background and the blue shirt of Yoo Han and the freaking rainbow.

Yeon Woo having fun, which is a rarity in this show.

We get another glimps of how fast Yeon Woo can go from uwu to -.-. The way he smashes Yoo Han against the wall...

The display of the power dynamic and how both of them try to get the upper hand. And looking back this scene shows that Yoo Han tries to contorl his own obsession by luring Yeon Woo into accepting the deal.

The iconic lines: The colors in this world are yours to enjoy...only when I let you see them. Which was an asshole move - but dare I say it - ...kinda savage.

The storyline. Loved it. Great idea. I want more of it. I’m a sucker for soulmates. I know some think that this series was problematic and had bad writing and I respect that, but I have to disagree. Sure, it’s not perfect and definitely not a masterpiece. But it’s good, imo. The forshadowing of Yoo Han and how he from day one was so facinated by Yeon Woo and his face, that nothing could bring him to his senses to freaking run. It was cute, fun and exciting to watch. I wouldn’t mind a second season to wind up some loose ends.

The beautiful editing. I loved the editing in this one! No unecessary slapstick sounds. No unecessary music that would play randomly. Just the color rush that showed you not only what Yeon Woo was seeing, but helped you to get a deeper understanding in what was going on. It was also used to help you relate to his situation more.

The power dynamic. In this show there is a constant power change. In the begining you think that a probe should be the one with power, right? Since they have the power to let their mono see colors and take them away from them. The monos want something from them and that gives them power. Probe > Mono

But you learn that monos get obsessed and can be extremely dangerous and therefore many probes should run from their mono. Giving the power to the monos. Mono > Probe

In this series, it at first seems like Yoo Han (the probe) holds the power since he is constantly trying to be around Yeon Woo and demostrates his power (the rainbow scene). Probe > Mono

But the more episodes you watch, you realize that Yeon Woo gets more and more obsessed, means that he is dangerous. He could hurt Yoo Han any time. So it seems that Yeon Woo was in power all along. Mono > Probe

BUT in the last episode Yoo Han explains that he can only see Yeon Woo’s face and as soon as they seperate he forgets his face. This would further proof that Yeon Woo has the upper hand here. BUT the thing is, they are sort of equals here. Yeon Woo has the “power” to let Yoo Han see his face and taking it away his face from Yoo Han. This means that in some way both hold kind of some power in their relationship making it somewhat equal, which is important. Yeon Woo = Yoo Han

And I think that’s beautiful. A relationship needs to consist of two equals. It can’t be healthy if one is always the one in charge and the other has no say in things.

The Color-Talks. I read a few post complaining that the series was wasting time by talking too much about colors. And I can kinda agree that it’s not everyone’s cup of tea, but in this show they did it for a reason. They could’ve cut it out, but it was important. The series is called Color Rush (look at the name, read it again, think about it, reread it, take it in and exhale it and now look in the mirror and answer the question: What is this show about?). Take I Told Sunset About You they also talk a lot about the chinese letters and what they mean and how you write them, would you consider that a waste of time? Maybe, but it’s not.

I’m actually glad that they didn’t cut it out. Just imagine one scene like this: “Oh there are many different shades of brown. There is chocolate, caramel, cinnamon [cut] and the last one is chestnut.” It would not only take away the flow but also feel somewhat half-assed and undermine the importance of this for Yeon Woo, who learns about the colors for the fist time. It means the world to him.

Also that they thought about the ten different shades of grey fits perfectly and seems well thought through. It makes perfect sense that people who are only able to see grey, would try to name the different shades.

It’s about the hands.

And this aren’t all of them. Do I have to say more?

That’s all I have to say about this series. Check out my other reviews.

My BL Review List: https://urmyquerencia.tumblr.com/post/627642344497364992/bl-reviews

- urmyquerencia

[louandhazaf]

ANNUAL WRITING SELF EVALUATION

1. List of works published this year:

Feeling it Out (Hazoff) : Harry lost the grip on his towel, and it fluttered to the ground. The other guy took a step forward, reached down to pick it up, and stepped closer to Harry to return it. Close enough for Harry to see the occasional grey hidden in his beard, the unruly pit hair, still wet and clumped together, the way his dark chest hair continued down, through the middle of his belly and directly to his—      Harry jerked his eyes up to see the the other guy's questioning look.

lost in my head (Larry) : Louis had been, until about a year prior, the love of Harry’s life.

battling on the regular (Louis/Sam Fender) : Sam rearranges all the thoughts in his head that had been bouncing around since Louis had said relationship shit. Gone are flouncy bottle blondes who are not so subtly taking advantage of him and instead there’s Calvin Harris, breaking his heart. As if Calvin Harris deserves someone kind and generous like Louis to begin with.

Campus Creatures (Larry) (cowrite with @kingsofeverything) : It’s senior year for werewolf Louis Tomlinson and vampire Harry Styles, and as presidents of their respective fraternities, they’re determined to do it right.     Though what that means is anybody’s guess.

Those Hometown Lights (Lilo) : Louis came back into the screen a few moments later. He was in the faded red lifeguard trunks that Liam had spent many an afternoon drooling over from afar, but now it was practically a second set of skin, cupping his dick obscenely and leaving absolutely nothing to Liam’s imagination.     “Sometimes I can’t tell if I look any different, but I guess those squats are paying off,” Louis says with a laugh. He does half of one, with his back towards Liam, his thighs tensing and the seams of the bathing suit pulling tight.

Nothing but Time on His Dirty Hands (Larry) : Harry enjoys his daydream about Louis Tomlinson.

A+ Patient (Larry) : Harry hated everything about the dentist—the antiseptic smell and the bright light in his face and the disappointment in himself and the suction thingy that kept his mouth too dry.      But the thing he hated the most was how in love with his dentist he was.

Tommo the Tease (Nouis) :  Seeing Tommo relaxed and shirtless in person was a whole lot different than seeing him gleaming and shirtless on a camboy video.

When We Hold On (To The Past) (Zouis) : “Not a story to tell while we’re fucking,” Louis said with half a laugh. Zayn could drop the subject and keep fucking him, keep the strings from getting attached, pretend that they weren’t getting closer than Louis was comfortable with. Or Zayn could choose the opposite path—which he did.

Golden (Larry) : Harry makes a costly wish.

2. Work you are most proud of (and why):

OOF. Well, I’d say either Feeling It Out -- because the Hazoff pairing was really hard to capture and the fact that I got through it and posted it means I should give myself a pat on the back -- or else When We Hold On (To The Past) because I had been wanting to write fallen angel Louis for literal years and I finally found a way to make it happen. 

3. Work you are least proud of (and why): 

Eh. I’ll go with Tommo the Tease because I forgot that I wrote it and then when compiling the list for #1 I put it as a Larry fic and then I just happened to catch the pairing and realized it was Nouis which means I wrote a Nouis fic this year and totally forgot about it???? So I must not love it. Which is fine! But therefore I’m not exactly proud of it.  

4. A favorite excerpt of your writing:

This feels like a bit of a copout since it’s also the summary, but I really adore this moment of When We Hold On (To The Past)

“Not a story to tell while we’re fucking,” he said with half a laugh. Zayn could drop the subject and keep fucking him, keep the strings from getting attached, pretend that they weren’t getting closer than Louis was comfortable with. Or Zayn could choose the opposite path—and he did—of pulling his fingers out and wiping them down and sitting comfortably, with his wide, intense eyes boring into Louis.

I just really love the idea of Louis trying so hard to keep a distance from Zayn, and then opening up for him (heh, while he was being opened up by him) by giving Zayn a choice, of either the physical or the emotional? I think this fic is a lot about living with the choices you’ve made, and this moment is sort of a corner where their relationship is going to change in major ways -- both because of Zayn’s choice to dig deeper emotionally and Louis’ choice to take another risk. 

5. Share or describe a favorite review you received:

All of them. Literally every nice comment, every kudos, every fic rec... each one brings joys to my life. 

6. A time when writing was really, really hard:

I mean.... motions vaguely to all of 2020. A quick summary of my year - I was laid off on 12/31 so I started the year jobless. Then we uprooted my family due to Covid19. I’ve been jobless all year. I decided to stay in the new location, so I’ve effectively moved... but my husband is still in the old location. I’ve come out as non-binary, I’ve done a lot of thinking about what I want my future to look like, I’ve been home schooling, and I’ve a year that is basically a total transition. So basically, all year writing was really, really hard. But since about end of summer, writing has been so hard that I haven’t done it at all. 

7. A scene or character you wrote that surprised you:

Looking back, I’m surprised I wrote so many pairings! Hazoff, Larry, Louis/Sam, Lilo, Nouis, & Zouis! 

8. How did you grow as a writer this year:

to be honest, I’m not sure I did, but more importantly, I managed to write 10 fics during a global pandemic, so I’m not going to beat myself up about it. 

9. How do you hope to grow next year:

ha. Well. At this point simply getting back into the habit of writing would be a huge win for me, so let’s go with that. 

10. Who was your greatest positive influence this year as a writer (could be another writer or beta or cheerleader or muse etc etc):

Literally everyone who was able to write during this year??? Like, I know how hard it’s been for me, and to still get to visit ao3 and have new works to read and to get to cheer my friends on, that has brought me so much happiness and stability and I can’t express enough how amazing it is to be part of such a great community

11. Anything from your real life show up in your writing this year:

Other than ongoing themes of learning to communicate, and the Lilo fic happening during the pandemic, nope. 

12. Any new wisdom you can share with other writers:

I am not in a headspace to be offering up wisdom, but I hope other writers know how valued they are! 

13. Any projects you’re looking forward to starting (or finishing) in the new year:

Yes. ha. There are some. I’m going to hold my cards close to my chest though. 

14. Tag three writers whose answers you’d like to read.

@kingsofeverything @disgruntledkittenface @lululawrence

*All answers should be about works published in 2020. Also, you can skip any questions you hate or don’t want to answer, but please leave them on the list so that others can do them if they want.

(also, here’re my responses from 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019)