#How To Avoid Losing Everything I
Explore tagged Tumblr posts
Text
I can teach you how to be just like me
crying all night, sleeping till three
#did I mention that she’s really sad when she isnt trying to forget the unbearable boredom of being immortal#I heard this song to an animatic and I thought it really suited her so I added it to her playlist lol#I normally draw her in fun bright colors but a lot of the sadder parts of her story get pushed to the side#even if none of my oc stories are really fleshed out I know she has an insatiable nature. her star motif is loosely tied to this I think?#ungrounded and instead of ambitious she can just never find contentness with what she likes or what shes doing#she can definitely be happy though!!! but it always feels fleeting that shes scared the rest of her life is gonna be spent chasing highs#which is way less exciting when u think abt how long you’re gonna be around before everything loses its excitement#what tuck everlasting does to a mf#I think this also kinda bleeds into her relationships and tries to keep her distance so she doesnt get tired of someone she actually likes#it can be confusing since she can be really cuddly utterly in love one second and then kind of distant the next. but she still loves you#her brother I think is on the other end of the spectrum where he tries to live in the moment to avoid thinking abt the future#the avoidance siblings#my oc#oc#Augusta#doodles#my art#myart
178 notes
·
View notes
Text
pinterest sketches (x, x, x)
#lg doodles#figure drawing#art study#i like this brush 4 practice. idk if you can tell from here#but the drawing path will often split into two lines bc its supposed 2 be a 'chalky' brush#and i think it helps me think less abt line quality and more ab the whole drawing#im trying to get better at drawing bodies esp bodies in unconventional poses (i like top right personally)#but i still need to work on perspective and proportionality#like the bottom one doesnt quite get there. i lose a lot of depth bc i flattened it in my mind#also i cant Crunch bodies .. like i drew his arm abnormally long bc i couldnt figure out how to deepen his back leg#so that its on the same horizon as his hand.much 2 think ab.#but i had fun. so thats a plus. yaay. <did not go 2 life drawing like i said i would#and back 2 top right i do like the contour lines or whatever u would call them. i think his back#is the most simplistic of the whole page and i rly like the style.want 2 make everything that simple#i do also like the face on the bottom.bc i always avoid faces in poses. ITS BAD IRTS A BAD HABIT !!!!!!!!!!!! I NEED 2 STOP !!!!!
28 notes
·
View notes
Text
point is i need to get like REALLY good at baking and become godlike at cooking if i want to eat and not be miserable and also not become deathfat and die
#im sorry i like food and i like TASTY food#i cannot be one of those ppl who eats plain lettuce and boiled unseasoned chicken#im almost envious of those who can live like that but i could NOT#and also avoiding EVERYTHING SWEET FOREVER is like................ AAAAAAAAAAAAA#like ppl say its an addiction and you lose craving if you force yourself but........ idk man sometimes i just like how things taste and ill#crave them even after ages...#like it doesnt help that we Need to eat every day#and i will come across those foods and think of how mmm yummy they are#because i LIKE FOOD#so much that i needed medication to nerf my love for food#to make me Physically UNABLE to binge eat#i need an immediate deterrent “you will get a stroke and die in 10 years” unfortunately does not work because i am retarded.
7 notes
·
View notes
Text
1.10 / 1.09
#something to be said not just about how Ibrahim aims to replace his past family with his present bond with Süleiman (and Musti and Mahi#branch off of that bond) but also how Hatice fits in all of this - the one Ibrahim leans on everytime he's likely to lose SS is *her*#she isn't just the future he wants to secure in the castle but also the past he yearns for outside of it especially in that initial period#of their relationship; and not just any past but a very particular fragment of it - the next most valuable person of his past other than#his brother: his *mother*. it's no wonder him playing *his mother's* melodies with the violin marks the beginning of their story and stays#an important motif throughout. just like Ibrahim's mother Hatice is so familiar yet so out of reach (and this unreachability accumulates in#E13 - Ibrahim leaves for Parga thus returning to his past but leaving Hatice behind but *then* finding out his mother is gone too.#*both* people he wants to be close to soo much are *gone* in that moment. there's a link between them because of this. also Hatice tieing#lbrahim's mother to “heaven” as well and her “looking at their happiness from above” Ibro responds with in E14.) Hatice will distance#more and more from that role later on until lbrahim starts to outright abandon this whole 'return to the past' idea with Hatice and#search for it through Nigar instead. but yeah anyway I feel these two scenes are the perfect encapsulation of how complicated#the past is for lbrahim; he avoids remembering it because it *hurts* to remember both because why would he remember it when he already has#an established future and because deep down he resents what he's become and established as that isn't ever permanent and he's lost all else#*himself* most of all as who is a person without his roots? he wants to forget them but can't ever do it so what's left is replacing them#*all of them*; when he finds Hatice too he wants to have *both* her and Süleiman and SS marrying Hatice off directly challanges that want#up to that point he believed in the possibility of their love more than Hatice did; now? he seems as lost as she is not knowing what to do#the only way not to lose either of them is accepting Süleiman's order convincing himself that this is how it should be no matter how much#that hurts and would bury him even deeper; he can't bear it so he searches for a solution - and when he sees Rhodes sea? it hits him#it hits him how low he's actually sunk through the losses and if he can't “fully* replace the past he'll *fully* return to the past letting#*everything else* once hidden out as well. not to mention how right before he left to Parga he was brought to fear for his literal death#and then he is given more power that also brings some uncertainty with it and that likely scared him cementing his departure for Parga#directly following Piri Pasha's advice to let power go as it won't let *you* go#(btw a big contrast between S01 and S03 Ibrahim can be drawn in his relationship with Piri Pasha and his relationship with Ebusuud)#magnificent century#muhteşem yüzyıl#muhtesem yuzyil#ibrahim pasha#(sorry for the disorganized tags but if I kept it like it was I would've exceeded the limit before I even finished 😅)#(just Ibrahim and Hatice in general are people who latch onto each other to get over their losses and ache for peace amidst their turbulent#lives and positions and that's what keeps them close and will later too)
13 notes
·
View notes
Text
there are two wolves inside of you. One of them is fretting that you went through all the effort of making a new art account just to pigeonhole yourself once more into a specific fandom, which holds you back from exploring original art concepts that you care about. The other one came up with three separate ace attorney comic ideas in the last hour alone and isn't stopping anytime soon
#laurellala talks#am i unwell? perhaps#i also drew like 5 more sketchy comics i haven't posted#and a full colored drawing i haven't posted bc i'm overthinking if i need to attach comics to it also or post on its own#i want to draw more muppets interactions and come up with an actual theoretical muppets ace attorney case!#they would get to explore the muppet studio as a location aaa it would be so cuteee#and i'm in the middle of drawing a comic of miles and nick video calling and teasing a young trucy (i love trucy)#and i NEED to draw nick and maya interactions from trials and tribulations case 3 it's so sibling coded agh my heart#also i want to draw lisa basil in general the roboty software company lady#i want to design an ace attorney self insert called Laurel Lyre (you're a liar) and draw sprite expressions and character interactions#she would be an art student that Nick knew from college and she was painting a still life of the scene of the crime#and her painting has something different than how the crime scene looked which is used as proof in court#ALSOOO i had an idea for a silly comic of nick visiting miles in germany (platonic coded)#and of either a comic or short story idea of them going out to dinner together. This one is hard to explain but it would be good#I WANT TO DRAW FRANZISKA TOO i have an angst comic idea for her! And i want to draw her as a kid in dance class#i feel like she has so much scrutiny of herself which is very “i was in dance as a kid” coded. Ballet probably#I ALSO have a comic idea of a holiday party that took place before miles' murder trial but after steel samurai case#where miles begrudgingly talks to phoenix to avoid small talk with strangers and they talk about college#specifically like. it is canon to me that phoenix was in an improv group in college. That's where he learned to bluff. he's so silly#i also want to make a comic of the parents at trucy's school trying to sus out how old nick is#since he's only like what 17 years older than her?#I also want to make a gilmore girls joke but i can't tell if this is too dated to be funny. Do people know this show still#i had never watched it before so i just watched like half a season of it just to make a joke. It's cute.#What Else. I have like 5 animatic ideas but i need to ask my friend what she uses to make hers bc in the past I've used imovie on my phone#do not recommend#and if i don't draw everything RIGHT NOW i'm going to lose interest and nothing will get made!!!!!!#andandand I STILL NEED TO FINISH TRIALS AND TRIBULATIONSSSSS#i got sooo far i'm doing so well in the waitress case#i need to finish it so i can finally understand apollo justice and know what the HECK happened in that time skip#ace attorney
9 notes
·
View notes
Text
psa apparently there is a serious GO spoiler that Prime leaked by accident and deleted but it was too late and now it's everywhere so if you can avoid Twitter for a while, I've heard Neil has been heartbroken over this and people are still sharing it anyway 😞 idk what the spoiler is and i don't wanna know and i hope you guys can remain unspoiled too ❤️
#psa#go#i legit have no clue how to avoid this until july 28#i worry the whole fandom will be spoiled by then#and i feel so bad for Neil and everyone involved who worked so hard to keep everything a secret#istg if someone doesn't lose a job over this
109 notes
·
View notes
Text
So you're telling me in the US they put their ballot votes in a box in the streets????
Learnt that because apparently they are being sent on fire which is exactly what I'd expect with that kind of system...
#i know you guys vote online#but do you do the thing where you have to wake up a very sunny sunday (not in November i guess lmao) and walk to the voting point of#you city???#and try to avoid eye contact with the local representatives so they don't ask you to come back at 6pm to count the votes???#im very curious because i wouldn't trust the postal services to be on time here djdjdbenene#but anyway seriously#everything i know about the us voting system baffle me#you tell me a candidate can win the popular vote but lose the election????#i mean i knew that fact since like highschool but i still can't wrap my mind around it#apparently the US is the only democracy with no direct universal vote#also i did know that till very recently#i always wondered how tf some srates had more power than others#and like last week#i learnt that states with slaves used them as a one third of a voice and that's how they gained more powers#but when finally long years later they could finally vote#the same people who used them went on the streets to try to stop them to vote (which is sadly not surprising)#the whole thing is fucked up#I mean not saying here is really better at the moment#but at least one voice = one vote#im trying to imagine having ballots hanging outside in France and this would go so fucking bad omg#and the 'fun' part is that it won't be because of fascists (i mean today it would) but because stupid kids would take it as a challenge#anyway i don't want to talk about this election#im not American and shit#but it's kinda really stressful to see dumb shit like that on an election whi will have as many#if not more#consequences on the whole world#oh also what the hell are their official programs?#i mean except saying fascist stuff vs saying fascism bad and calling each other stupid#anyway case closed#but im very dreadfully curious about the voting system though
6 notes
·
View notes
Text
💻
#this is just gonna be me complaining about uni work but i gotta get it out somewhere#but like im actually losing my mindd about this essay im like so scatterbrained#i cant focus at all ive tried putting my phone away and playing music and not playing music and everything#and its just. my brain refuses#i literally just need to write words it doesnt have to be good it doesnt even have to be decent but just. i cant for no reason#i cant???? why cant i this is so annoying#i still have almost 4 hours but christ alive#maybe this year ill finally try to do something about a diagnosis or smth#id just wanna try if the meds do anything you know? like so far ive gotten by but its such an agony for no reason all the time#id just wanna see if they do anything....#my post#literally just typing this so i can avoid typing my essay for a little while. whatever#also how cute is that laptop emoji i dont remember seeing it before
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
i left a bowl of soup on my desk two weeks ago and forgot about it for one day. and it has been growing slowly moldy. it is terrifying. i am so scared of it. i am so scared and i need to get rid of it because it is getting so bad and there's like at least four different types of mold on it and at least one i don't even recognize but i'm just so fucking terrified to touch it or even get close to it guys i need help what do i do i am honestly so terrified and i am starting to get scared to be in my room and i feel like i kind of can't breathe in here which is not really good and also i am such a shitty roommate but i am just so scared i cannot emphasize how fucking terrified i am
#boink#ocd#i keep saying ill deal with it#and then every time i look at it im like shit#its mold#fucking#its fucking mold#and then i leave it#and then obviously leaving it makes it get worse#to the point where like this thing is actually probably becoming a biohazard#what the fuck do i do with it#i am the disgusting person you hear about#but im starting to literally avoid my room because im so scared of the mold radiation or whatever the fuck#i feel like its touched everything#im scared to sleep in my room tognith#genuinely if anyone has any ideas for how to deal with this rn#like ig just suck it up and fucking deal with it#but guys i do not think the cbt worked well enough for me to manage that rn#like if anyone with ocd has ideas for how to minimize the obsession and the fear so i can just get it over with#like anything i can do in the moment idk#i feel not well and even though i literally know that its not related i just keep connecting everything to this fucking contaminant#and at this point who knows honsetly that actually could be the case#because i have fucking problems and i let it get out of hand#im kind of losing it
8 notes
·
View notes
Text
want to cut my hair again like you wouldn't believe. What are the possible consequences of going bald
#100% секретный дневник левы НЕ ЧИТАЙ#actually i dont mean bald i just mean all one guard length#but hhhhh maybe i'm in an awkard stage maybe not i just CANNOT live like this#middle part is frustrating because it's not perfect in the way it sits side part is frustrating because i look like a girl#i feel like i could go all in with the 4 and then sorta texture a bit with the 2 guard HOWEVER having used the 4 previously. i know#how short that is. it might not look good so i worry#the bright side is it would grow out a bit by the time of the parade but augh i hate this#i'm currently a tightly wound ball of rage sorry. i didn't eat much of anything 2day#tried to call the hospital to get help with the letter/consulation thing preceding top surgery and they were NOT OPEN so idk if they will#be open tomorrow or not. the passage of time has gotten very vague all of a sudden#iiiiiii do not think i am doing well. lol. idk why though! god forbid any of it have a reason#i almost wish i'd relapse just so i could like. eat food again#idk i don't think it would solve it but i feel in my heart it might make things easier#buuuut because relapse is Bad For Me i guess i have to avoid it. well i want to anyways.#one bad day would not a reset make but my previous day happened this year already so...#i dunno it's been so long that i feel like it's not valid or whatever cause it was at an age where i can say it was a 'phase'#.............. i dunno what to do with that information. anyways.#i mean so what if i went all in on it again anyways? i kinda miss it lol. it's not like i could do any serious harm??#(potential infections aside.)#i just want to be creative and i CANT because my stupid brain will NOT think of anything#and the majority of what i have concretely written of this was written... get this .... right when i was trying to stay clean at first#correlation does not equal causation ........ sighs#i feel like i'm fighting a losing battle because i WANT IT to be that bad again#i've never really regretted it & it's never really been because of anything#i just started because i was curious about why someone would do that. that's all#i dont think i've EVER had any of the mental distress i see people in when theyre in these spaces#in one journal entry i made this big deal about wanting to kill myself but *i didn't want to*. i never did.#like sorry old me but it is REALLY hard to believe i've ever been depressed depressed#i just want things to be better and they never are :/ this should be everything i wanted and its just ... not#i'm not really sure how to ....... oh tag limit ok hold on
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
learning abt friendship decay and "not reaching out to your friends for months at a time unprompted is not neurotypical behaviour" has me feeling a certain way
#experiencing some BIG FEELINGS OVER THIS REVELATION#listen i have never ever been bothered abt not seeing someone in a while or making time to talk to them bc in my mind its like not thst muc#time has passed. i mean it with every fibre of my being that when im like 'oh its ok even though we havent talked in a while and have our#own things going on it doesnt mean we're not friends anymore since we left things on a good note 8 months ago' i sincerely believe that#and for the longest time i just thought everybody makes peace with it at some point and not automatically assuming the other person doesnt#wanna talk to me anymore or smth. my longest lasting friendships are with ppl who work the same way i just thouhght that was normal#whatever organ everybody has that makes them reach out to their friends and plan hang outs i probably dont have it#i was already hesitant to ask out Alex bc i spend almost every waking hour doing smth that isnt talking to ppl unless they happen to be in#the vicinity. and at first it was bc i planned on making sure i had everything set up so i dont get stressed out and do it one at a time#but then i find out theres a friendship decay mechanic? and after dating and marrying someone you lose -10 friendship points for every#day u dont talk to them?? actually ive probably been losing friendship points this whole time without knowing bc of this?????#and i notice a lot of my own habits are also reflected in how i play bc ive been avoiding getting close to pierre and marnie since its more#of a professional relationship. like i know theyre npcs but im approaching it the way i would in real life its fucking nuts#i think its a little relieving im playing /as/ a character than myself bc as im playing im just making up little interactions in my head#than approaching things the way i would myself so it takes a bit of the stress off trying to put myself in there as a spectator. but well#being in a relationship demands a certain amount of energy even more so when theyre things that already take up energy on its own#like making time to talk to your partner and make sure they know theyre loved. i dont always have energy to put all my mental focus into it#and this is true for real life so im not really bothered by not dating anyone. but when its a game and i want my character to be with someo#and i know its fully optional and i know i could just apply the same logic to this i dont /want/ to. sometimes i want to experience#the same things other people do at least to a certain degree without the same emotional andmental stakes#no offense krobus#yapping#stardew#stardew valley#puppy plays sdv#sdv#this game has me by the ankles man
143 notes
·
View notes
Text
it took me until dt to change rudy's hairstyle, but i ACTUALLY think he would've cut it back in post-stb when he became a reaper. the trope of "character cuts hair to feel more in control of their life" is cliché but REAL. and also the visual of him cutting it with his scythe is fun
#lem text#xivposting#🪈 (oc)#i really like the idea of him doing that & then t.ataru being like WHATTTT DID YOU DO...!! and helping him fix it. <3#i looooove lovelove love reaper rudy he could never main anything else. i tried to play viper for dt but had to change back-#because it didn't feel right FNDJK. MY BOY NEEDS HIS VOIDSENT FRIEND#i remember being super worried that playing rpr would be really immersion-breaking for post-ew; and that i'd have to change it for canon#but the extra lines they added for rpr players made rudy actually fit in the whole time :> <3#anyway i love rudy/rucred post-stb angst/early-shb tension i think it's sooo fun to think about <33.#i've never clearly outlined the rucred development stages here i don't think. but rudy is incredibly incredibly anxious after he learns-#than's been gone for **five years** from his perspective. because rudy considered him his best friend... and then he's like-#there's no WAY he still thinks about me or cares about me or wants to see me again. and he worries about that with uri+shtola-#but th.ancred was closest to him and was summoned two years before them. (AND /I/ WAS WORRIED ABOUT IT AS A PLAYER FJDKSFN)#AND IT'S LIKE. IT'S REALLY FUNNY THAT TH.ANCRED'S MAIN PROBLEM IN SHB IS COLDNESS + LACK OF COMMUNICATION#because he DOES act uncaring around rudy when they reunite; and RUDY wants to TALK about it but than doesn't want to talk to ANYONE#so to RUDY his worst fears are all but confirmed; built upon the insecurity & sense of estrangement he's had with the scions since arr#(which is part of why he becomes so close to raha over shb; since he ends up confiding in him most of the time to avoid the others)#the tension btwn rudy & than lessens when r.yne tells him that th.ancred talks about him often (BECAUSE THAT LINE ALSO DID THAT FOR ME FJK)#and then it takes than's absurd near-death character development moment for them to finally talk (i've written that as a fic hehe :) )#and the moments after mt. gulg/before the tempest are what completely resolve rudy's fears with the group. and thfndjkgr#IT'S NOT *EXPLICITLY* SAID THAT THAN IS THE ONE WHO CARRIES THE WOL DOWN THE MOUNTAIN BUT HE'S PHYSICALLY THE STRONGEST#SO HE WOULD *HAVE* TO BE. AND THAT WOULD ALSO BE INCREDIBLY TOUCHING TO RUDY TO HEAR ABOUT;;;#on th.ancred's side of everything... well. he's liked rudy since post-hw . ZNFK D. and he'd obviously lose touch of those feelings while-#on the first; and i think after their reunion he'd loaaathe himself for somehow still feeling the same way#AND AND LIKE. ru was a machinist when than last saw him... frail ranged dps... i really like imagining how absolutely caught off-guard-#than would be when rudy is suddenly a very intense & skilled melee fighter who's made a contract with a voidsent for power. ehehehe. 🏳️🌈#it's so weird to think back on playing early-shb because **i** was so anxious not knowing how rudy's relationships with the scions-#would turn out EHJFKN. <33 AND IT COULDN'T'VE GONE BETTER I LOVE YOU THE TEMPEST + END.WALKER <3 <3 <3#auaua now i really want to ramble about my favorite shb parts again . BUT I WOULD NEVER STOP TALKING. ANOTHER TIMEEEE <3.
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
shouldn’t have checked my bank account as expected my mother has taken thousands more dollars from my savings and has almost run me dry more or less. Cool!
#I’m going to fucking call the bank and ask about a second checking account because she’s never going to make her own fucking account#it’s been like a year since she said she would and it’s just not gonna happen#she owes me thousands of dollars via me paying her fucking overdraft fees and she always says ‘what you think I won’t pay you back?’ no!!!!!#no I don’t!!!!!!! because you literally never have!!!!!!!!!!!#and where the fuck are you going to get like 8000 dollars anyway. because that’s what she owes me at the very least#even if you want to factor in like. paying her monthly for the groceries she buys and cat food and whatever that’s still. thousands of#dollars. and the worst part about it is I just have no safety net anymore#because my savings is basically nothing at this point. like nothing that can help in a dire situation anymore.#I keep thinking about whatever im going to have to end up paying for top surgery and I WOULD have a significant amount saved up to#contribute to that but haha! no I don’t! it’s fucking gone!#and I’ve been getting paid basically fucking nothing lately because of how few hours they’re scheduling me so that does not fucking help#my last paycheck was literally like half of what I should be getting. I made like 1K in the past two paychecks. that’s fucking depressing#anyway I’ve given myself a headache#I’ve been avoiding looking at my bank account because I knew it would be bad and it’d stress me the fuck out but I also have been anxious#not knowing and my mother making a few vague comments that implied she must have fucked me over. so I checked today and yeah she sure did#if I don’t make a new checking account that she can’t access i am actually going to be broke within the nenxt few months at this rate#my head hurts and I am so upset I am so upset I work so fucking hard and it doesn’t even matter i just lose money constantly#I get nothing I just pay her fucking fees and pay for my tuition and pay for everything else of any significance#and I am not exaggerating I work my ass off. I am the only person I know at my job who begs to work holidays and extra days and stay as late#as possible and it . doesn’t even matter#im going to kill myself I swear to god. there’s shit I need to buy. what am I supposed to do.#kibumblabs#vent#like shit I need to buy for WORK. my manager is getting on me about not having proper shoes for example and yeah I can get a discount#through shoes for crews but I still dont have the fucking money for anything anymore#not unless I want to run myself into the fucking ground#I need a new binder badly. I need new black pants also for work since mine are so faded at this point.#I only have one fitted sheet that doesn’t have giant holes in it#I can’t stop thinking about my last paycheck it was literally the worst I’ve seen since starting this job a year ago. fucking infuriating
5 notes
·
View notes
Text
.
#we ran through the bright tokyo lights nothing to lose summer of 2012 burnt in our minds hot crazy and drunk 5 in a room singing our hearts#out to carly sweat in our eyes throwing drinks at each other making fun of our lovers getting kicked out on the street oh we were best#friends forever but the truth is im so good at crashing in making sparks and shit but then im a bad im a bad im a bad friend so dont ask me#where ive been been avoiding everything cause im a bad im a bad im a bad friend im a bad friend yeah guess we fell out what was that all#about maybe i overreacted well maybe you shouldn't have god its insane how things can change like that dont even know where you are what you#do and who you do it with oh throwing drinks at each other making fun of our lovers getting kicked out on the street oh we were best friends#forever but the truth is im so good at crashing in making sparks and shit but then im a bad im a bad im a bad friend so dont ask me where#ive been been avoiding everything cause im a bad im a bad im a bad put your hands up if youre not good at this stuff put your hands up if#youre not good at this stuff put your hands up if youre not good at this stuff maybe im a bad friend im so good at crashing in making sparks#and shit but then im a bad im a bad im a bad friend so dont ask me where ive been been avoiding everything cause im a bad im a bad im a bad#im so good at crashing in making sparks and shit but then im a bad im a bad im a bad friend so dont ask me where ive been been avoiding#everything cause im a bad im a bad im a bad friend#le song shouting
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
need to do some serious reading on how cptsd affects your ability to seek out and maintain relationship because this is getting out of hand ._. its not like it makes That much of a difference because its not a recognized thing in the US specifically as it is in other areas of the world + bc of my ongoing abuse situation i cant access therapy anyways, but at least id be able to maybe get some self help materials to try and work out whatever is going on w me lately where its all pressing down on me and making me act in increasingly maladjusted ways that keep getting me in trouble. laughing face with tears emoji
#how may more signs do i need everyone in my family sees it everyone at work sees it and it keeps spilling over onto friends too#and i cant take the feelings anymore. or the lack of joy or trust or closeness that are supposed to be there#its literally not mentally right that my ideal life is avoiding everything and everyone and being completely alone.#and that being part of society scares and repulses me so much#im scared that if this goes too long im going to completely lose the ability to desire human closeness or to live my own life#all i want is to not be hurt and not die. thats my#1 mental consumption. and sometimes i cant even want THAT because its all too much#personal
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
Tag drop: Seele (Honkai: Star Rail). Listen, I used to write her and I miss her a bit, and also: there's Belobog people around. And also, well, she's much more interesting than people give her credit for. Also, prepare for some 'rewriting', because Belobog's pacing in specific ways kind of blew a little bit much.
#[ seele. ] we tell them 'things will be better tomorrow.' everyone knows it's a lie; but it gets them to sleep with some hope.#[ seele: ic. ] he always says 'humanity's endless conflicts'; but you don't get peace by offering everything up on a silver platter.#[ seele: inquiries. ] that's not the only thing you won't have heard of down here; princess.#[ seele: countenance. ] to all those thugs and gangsters in the underworld; i'm like a spectre always haunting them.#[ seele: introspection. ] the chief's right. sometimes a sharp blade is the only way to get people to come to their senses.#[ seele: meta. ] she got used to people losing their homes. and she got used to people losing their lives. but crying alone was useless.#[ seele: little notes. ] they only eat half their meal; throw the rest away. do they know people below haven't got enough food to eat?#[ seele: wishes. ] where there's hope: there's the will to fight.#[ seele: etc. ] a young girl smiles subtly. 'how? right here; right now; i am alone… but it feels... very lively.'#[ seele: underworld. ] what's more important than miracles; [ seele. is to protect people's hopes for miracles.#[ seele: overworld. ] oleg saw how a look of gloom passed over her tender face. 'let's go back. i don't want to come back here again.'#[ seele: sampo. ] wildfire has countless issues on its place right now. we don't need a side order of koski.#[ seele: sampo. ] so we're there; now it's real. now that you have me; do you want me still? inominati.#[ seele: bronya. ] they go their separate ways: one stepping into the light; and the other into the shadows. until one day; they meet again#[ seele: natasha. ] i learned quickly that tantrums won't get you anywhere. she knows how to give you a taste of your own medicine.#[ seele: oleg. ] i probably owe my life to the chief.#[ seele: hook. ] don't let her appetite for chaos fool you; i think that kid's going places.#[ seele: v. youth. ] everyone in the dark side of town knew that fearless homeless girl. everyone wanted to avoid that wild; stubborn rasca#[ seele: v. underworld. ] just what we all need: more lies about a world that never was and never will be.#[ seele: v. present. ] can you imagine the consequences if we told the people what happened here? they'd be devastated.#[ seele: v. future. ] ... priorities? what do you mean? are you saying rebuilding the underworld isn't one of your 'priorities'?#tag drop
6 notes
·
View notes