#Honestly wish I could get away with that
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Underrated trait about The Doctor is how he can just fall asleep in the weirdest places.
#honestly so impressed#my disabled insomniac ass could never#I’m sure he has a bed in the tardis#But he decided to sleep on a table#He’s such a weirdo freak and I love that about him#Doctor who#classic who#4th doctor#3rd doctor#people aren’t even done talking with him and he just goes to sleep#Honestly wish I could get away with that#it’s such a power move
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come closer i am just a regular scene😄 UH OH! changes your brain chemistry
#how many times will i upload the ugly boy say it scene...who knows🤷♂️ they make me SICK#this was to highlight the amount of times jamie looks away and down and ONLY says bad hair after making eye contact AAAAAUUUUUUGHHHHHHHHHHHH#and it just spiraled from there. [slaps 26 second clip] you can fit so many thoughts and feelings in this badboy#id say i wish i could capture what i felt the first time i saw this scene and bottle it but honestly... it literally doesn't get old#i was just like 😐...😳 what am i watching....... get a fucking room#pass the fuckin uhhhhhh pass the workplace humiliation kink whatever whatever#royjamie#my edit#rot riffing
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In this hypothetical, the prosthetics are detachable, able to easily be modified or repaired, even customized for visual or fucntional preferences.
Getting them is about as safe as any other major surgery; certain amount of risk, yadda yadda. There's more details that would sway an answer, if this were something currently going on -- like the cost, can you sub out these prosthetics if they ever halt production, do you need medication to retain them, blah blah-- but, here? This is wish fulfillment. If you have something that hurts, or you wish you could just fix or swap out, you get to have it, just this once.
#em.txt#poll#polls#honestly i run a lot of polls & sometimes am like 'oh i hope this one gets even 15 notes' no i hope this one gets big. 16 notes at least#because this is interesting to me.#idk. it's probably a sign I'm not as able bodied as i may think bc i constantly am thinking like.#i wish i could pull out my spine & get the crick out of it. i wish i could replace my ears.#they can't hear very well & they always hurt & i always hear tinnitus. if i could swap them out i imagine some of that going away#i get people that might object to this -- your ears aren't killing you/you can get hearing aids/pain meds/ignore it#but I've been living with this my whole life & it has only gotten worse. I'd like a way to make it not get worse#otherwise next option for me is spine. option after that is probably prosthetic top surgery i wanna be able to take them thangs off#& put 'em back on when i feel like it. i want them thangs to be see through plastic with wiring & lights inside ya feel me#like i got a dualshock controller for oubitties
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Got any body type/anatomy thoughts? FEH has very little in the way of body type variation and I personally like reading that as an open invitation to get silly with it.
OKAOKAYOKAY!!!!!!!! I MIGHT. Have gathered everything.... but I have SOOOOOOO MANY THOUGHTS ON THIS bc you're absolutely right!!!!! It's like a canvas to me...
I have a few directions I take with it! My main one, is to extrapolate features that may be present in the canon design. Taking them Further. I'm so sorry to do this but he is the epitome of this for me, GUSTAV JUMPSCARE 😨😨😨😨😰😰😰
But this is what I mean! I see canon Gustav has a full beard, is big and muscular. Okay. In my mind's eye, that translates to Big Hefty Heavyset type of muscular builds that are more realistic than the 6 pack bulging muscles (that require a lot of prep/dehydration to Look Like That). Also, hairy. Which is why, to fully demonstrate this, he's.... I don't know what he's doing here. This was psychologically taxing on me, but then I reminded myself I Am An Artist and I Hate America. 🫡🧍
Sometimes, if a character fits a certain archetype, I might put a few personal touches into them... mom/mom-like characters who REALLY embody the Doting Caretaker archetype often get the same body type as my own mother. A little honorary thing... though I do wanna be careful as to not restrict a specific body type (esp fat bodies) to specifically stereotypes (aka "mom bod"). Also, a comparison to Sharena! They do share similarities! Henriette's face looks familiar though... and not quite in the way Sharena's does.
Another focal reason I started off w Gustav though, is the second biggest thing I'm Always Thinking About when it comes to character's body types. Which is, Telling A Story.
I've had.... SO many oddly specific hcs about Alfonse...... for So Long..... one of them that's always in the back of my mind is him being at different weights during specific periods of his life. That, for the majority of it/esp his youth, he was almost waifish. He only starts looking healthier when he's out from under his parents' (COUGH gustavCOUGH) thumb (but let's be real, Henriette can be EXTREMELY stressful too... opposite end of the spectrum about it).
Another example of Telling A Story though. Sometimes I trans characters just for funsies and it has no real bearing on anything. OTHER times... my trans headcanons are integral to specific lore beats in my elaborate inner world. ENTER. BRUNO
These are actually from a bit ago I was gonna hold off on posting til I felt I had everything together, BUT. BUT. It's extremely relevant!
In the beginning, I often asked myself, "Why doesn't ANY of the Askr trio recognize Bruno as Zacharias?" MY ANSWER. Is that he looked quite different!!!! In tandem with my silly hcs for him, I feel that Bruno is someone who must care a lot about his appearance. About Looking masculine. I think he's been out as a man by the time he joins the Order, but is early on in his transition (by whatever means that manifests in w ✨ Magic ✨ and shit!!). I think he passes, but definitely Looked Different. Give him More Muscle and a haircut and an even more noticeable voice drop and top surgery he dramatically shows off at every opportunity and a mask that conceals his big beautiful brown eyes with fluttery soft eyelashes and like. Who Is That Mysterious Man...... in that Damnable Mask.........
Okay. Let's back up a minute. What do you mean Lif got mysteriously taller. What does that even mean. I can grant him gaining more weight/muscle, but, Taller???? At his grown up age....?? Well.
Hel's memory of the mortals she claims isn't so good, apparently.... (Eir obviously can't tell anything by the nearly all rotted away bones, but the scraggly long hair is giving her pause...) (also is it the King Hel is thinking of in the first place....? Eir isn't going to ask.)
At this point, I definitely could feel myself getting distracted and decided to just art dump a handful of charas I have strong visions for.
Here, you also see The Secret Third Option of body type design philosophy -- which is. If the design itself isn't giving me a lot to work with. I just do my own thang LMFAOOO 😅 I think Anna def fell into that category for me... where a lot of the story/lore I added for her was purely hc territory, and I went from there. She's broad, tall, muscular, top heavy, but still kinda thin and knobby. Aerodynamic, perhaps....
Sometimes, characters are a combination of these things though... like Mirabilis definitely being a combo of qualities, having personal touches, storytelling elements to her, and doing my own thing for funsies! More about the fairies overall -- I think they all ended up having their basic needs met and were even granted dreams/desires for themselves after becoming Alfar (like becoming exactly as you see yourself, or how you wish to be... which unfortunately only goes so far, can't fully undo the damage done to Mira, but. It's free transition for Triandra, is what I'm getting at LMFAOOO). Which is why each of them did fill out more to varying degrees (again, Mira suffering the most long-term effects from her mortal life, and Triandra, already having an idea/concept of herself at the age she drank the nectar, being able to transition). I have specific human design concepts for them too, that look A Bit different than their fairy designs.... but. I'm still working on that 🧍
Eir is def a storytelling one. When it comes to Alfonse's scrawniness, he was just stressed out so bad it took a physical toll. I don't think there was ever any food restriction (or, if there was, it was a rare occasion/used as a punishment). For Eir, I think something like that would make sense for her though.... lack of access, and frequent meticulously purposeful elaborate abuse from Hel. Eir still looks like you could break her in half, but she does look a lot healthier since her stay in Askr. Another note, though I ran out of space... maybe Ymir looks more like Eir than Hel does. I wonder why that could be....
AND. BACK TO THE START. Extrapolating on canon design elements! If you're going to present me a female chara with big honking bazongas, I'm going to make her fat. Or at very least, Carry Some Weight, like Plumeria does (in that full figured curvy way!). And ESP. ESPPPPPP FOR SEIDR AND GULLVEIG. Where Gullveig has Various Lines about "Oh... I don't know how well these old clothes fit me anymore..." (paraphrasing/off memory I feel like she says something like this Multiple Times). Like. Okay. Well I took that personally. I also just like the idea of her changing over time... always having a chubbier build, but it just keeps going as she keeps growing and changing.
In putting this into words, I'm finding a common thread seems to be weight gain as a sign that someone is being taken care of... for Gullveig, I think it's just a purely neutral change over the course of her life. In Lif's case....... some sort of mix up occurred. I can see Alfonse taking more after Gustav naturally, too, as he gets older though!
One final thought is just, is there a fun little detail I can include? Like giving Seidr and the Seidrs a snake-like face? Doubling as something so cutes and something Intimidating? IT WILL BE DONE. Also Need to get to coloring an illust of Gullveig one day..... the golden stretch marks are soooo cool in my mind's eye...... also just. One Million Piercings. Also as characterization/storytelling. A lack thereof is storytelling, as well.... to me..... ALSO!!!!! SHAPE LANGUAGE!!!!!! I'M SUCH A SHAPE LANGUAGE BITCH!!!!!!!!!
I HOPE. THIS ANSWER FINDS YOU WELL 🫡
#ask answered!#fire emblem#feh#fe gustav#fe henriette#sharena#fe alfonse#lif#eir#hel#fe anna#fe triandra#fe plumeria#mirabilis#fe kvasir#heidr#seidr#gullveig#just. listing them all off in order right away before Anything. bc dear god. so many of them LMFAOOOOO#my inital thoughts for plum's human/kid design was a girl who dressed older than she was/sexualized against her will#but i wonder if i should take a monkey's paw angle. lean into her feeling undesired/chosen over#and the idea that the girls did get some wishes for themselves granted. maybe plum had an ugly duckling to swan transformation...#plum as dearly beloved as she is does feel the most up in the air for me rn development wise! 💔#probably have to go back and re-reff the source material too....#like to elaborate on my initial thought her doing that was a direct response To feeling undesired. to Make herself desirable.#honestly i feel like she could go either way....#eir/hel aren't charas i think very much or deeply about! but the Vision. about lif. was So Fucking Strong.#and everything else just wrote itself here!#my art#my notes
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'Yes, that old oak with which I saw eye to eye was here in this forest,' thought Prince Andrei. 'But whereabouts?' he wondered again, looking at the left side of the road and, without realizing, without recognizing it, admiring the very oak he sought. The old oak, quite transfigured, spread out a canopy of dark, sappy green, and seemed to swoon and sway in the rays of the evening sun. There was nothing to be seen now of knotted fingers and scars, of old doubts and sorrows. Through the rough, century-old bark, even where there were no twigs, leaves had sprouted, so juicy, so young that it was hard to believe that aged veteran had borne them.
'Yes, it is the same oak,' thought Prince Andrei, and all at once he was seized by an irrational, spring-like feeling of joy and renewal. All the best moments of his life of a sudden rose to his memory. Austerlitz, with that lofty sky, the reproachful look on his dead wife's face, Pierre at the ferry, that girl thrilled by the beauty of the night, and that night itself and the moon and ... everything suddenly crowded back into his mind.
'No, life is not over at thirty-one,' Prince Andrei decided all at once, finally and irrevocably. 'It is not enough for me to know what I have in me- everyone else must know it too: Pierre, and that young girl who wanted to fly away into the sky; all of them must learn to know me, in order that my life may not be lived for myself alone.
From War and Peace by Leo Tolstoy
#there are so many gorgeous passages in W&P that i could pick#why not this one in which Andrei reflects on several of them?#I've already talked about the Natasha and the moon passage on this blog. truly one of the most beautiful scenes I've ever read in any book#but part of what's so interesting about that scene is that we actually get it from Andrei's perspective. he's listening below the window#and overhearing Natasha that night is really what makes him love her#it's what made /me/ love her#and he carries that experience with him alongside his own experience looking up at the sky on the battlefield at Austerlitz#Napoleon himself sees Andrei and commends his courage but Andrei barely notices because the sky is so so beautiful#the lofty heavens which he never really considered before#but Natasha did#and so it's those moments his friendship with Pierre this old oak that renew his lust for life#life is not over at thirty. once i heard a girl exclaim at the loveliness of the moon and wish to fly away.#once i lay on a battlefield and all i could see was the beauty of the sky#and my friend Pierre believes in the future and he's searching it out#and look. this tree is still here#first time i read W&P i was honestly so relieved that so many people got happy endings the tragedy of Andrei's death didn't fully register#i mean the chapters concerning his death are beautiful and sad. the kinship between Natasha and Maria at his bedside#the peace he finds as he dies#but it really is a story in which he had decided to live fully only to die young. and that's become increasingly tragic to me as I've grown#happy birthday tolstoy#russia where are you flying to?#pontifications and creations
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god fucking damn it
#i hate feelings#so fucking much#anger especially#what am i angry at?#no fucking idea#go ask the guy who runs the body#i certainly dont deserve to know#but you know what i do deserve#to feel it#i dig myself into holes and then expect to get out no trouble#its always worked#my brain is too fucking loud#pipe down bitch#tw vent#i wish i could explain this#sounds narcissistic but#i would be such a fucking good person if nothing happened#but now i have to deal with shit that was never my fault#kys kys kys kys kys kys kys kys kys kys kys kys kys#and one of the most annoying parts#is that i could have stopped half of it#but instead#i decided to listen and say nothing#i should've been suspicious when i was told every fucking day#'dont tell anyone/they'll take you away from us/they don't know anything/they're trying to trick you into taking you away'#if you never did anything wrong why do you want to hide it?#but of course hate has to be met with contradictory feelings#i cant physically hate anyone without also feeling pity/love/whatever the fuck you call it#why does it feel like im pretending to be a good person#honestly im growing up into the people i hate the most
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lil hiatus away
#trump winning hit hard#harder than I thought because I didn’t think he’d win#we all met up the next day and had depression strolls#lots of vents and talks and anger#window shopped and actually shopped#looked at expensive guitars and little hamsters find fun in every place we go#we all made food with/for my niece and talked at my table for hours#played among us like old times till 1 am#got emotionally rejuvenated by the ocean#had plans with a friend that fell through so another time maybe or not idc anymore hahah she’s persistent though#I’m kinda over everything!#this 4:30 sunset always gets me bad for a while#on top of heavy world changes too like do that shit in summer#my dads friend Chris is visiting and that always makes me happy#I heard them cracking up watching South Park in his room last night was the cutest shit#reminded me of old times I miss living in Boston that whole era#wish we could have a redo#or even when he lived here with us after#maybe he'll move back this way someday#or go up that way since won’t ever be able to afford a house where I wanna live#or get out of the country all together#hiatus away was nice especially from Instagram and fb they're horrible places right now#unfollowing and unfriending everyone rn idc who u are#and honestly idky I still even have tumblr now I ask myself that a lot#more and more lately#have a good day#and take care of yourselves
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being at work makes me so miserable
#its not even that bad#but my anxiety is at an all time high here#im just uncomfortable#retail isnt for me i don't like talking to strangers im tired of most of my coworkers I'm just kind of waiting for this place to shut down#i don't want a job at all honestly#i wish i could just perform live music and do art commissions and sell clothes for money#but alas this economy and my depression won't allow that#nothing seems worth doing#i have no motivation and give up on something as soon as i start#i watch too much tv and get depressed i listen to too much music and get overstimulated and i never feel at peace or fulfilled anymore#and capitalism is one of the main roots of that. i just know it#we could all be so much happier. there is so much more to life than this#i want to travel#i want to spontaneously quit my job and take a cross country road trip but my car is not in road trip condition#i need to put new rear tires on before i should be driving it anymore at all#i want to be w my boyfriend cuddling & laughing & i wanna see cool things & see my favorite band in all the cities I haven't been to yet#i dont want... this#whatever this society is#working the day away not being able to be my own person 5 days a week and being too exhausted & depressed to leave home the rest of the day#i want to be able to live#i want my brain to let me function and my body to be at full health#i want to run through the woods on a cloudy crisp fall day#ive become so sensitive to temperature and numb to everything that i don't even get the same joy from being outside that i used to#also global warming lmao#ok vent over
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I'm not gonna elaborate because I don't want to, but I wish we could have genuine and well-argued criticism of critrole. I want my n1 fave to be criticised for its flaws. alas, most critique I see is either pretty badly argued or it's done in bad faith.
#cronchpost#like... cmon dude u dont have to spend a third of your argument on bitching about how ur a martyr for saying anything about the internet's#fave actual play show#yes criticising a popular thing is messy and it gets u hate#no ur not making ur argument better by being all 'boo hoo I wish I could talk about this without getting dogpiled by sjws'#cuz honestly? criticising anything popular enough is gonna get u bombarded by the fans.#anyway this has gone away from my point#mostly I just wanna say: PLEASE criticise my fave I am begging u. but do it well.#if u have an opinion show me why. give me examples. don't just say game bad without elaborating#why game bad?? I wanna know pls tell me#critical role#oh boy tagging this might bite me in the ass#anyway as u van see I lied about not elaborating. I cannot shut the fuck up clearly.#the only difference is that different fandoms have different brands of extreme
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#me when im finally actualky doing the things that make me hapoy#happy wtf is hapoy#i need to get more into cosplay and furry stuff too#i cant wait for my local convention. its genuinely the only place i find people irl with my interests(specifically bjds/dolls)#its legit my favorite place. i wish i could go to more cons but honestly its kind of expensive#and its more tricky when its not literally ten minutes away#but i do have the ren faire in the fall so im pretty well rounded with fun events throughout the year#i just need to make sure i finish my cosplay stuff before the con.#and maybe work on a fursuit. thats going to have to wait until next year though i think#also its crazy how much better i feel when i force myself to get things done#things i like#i just spend a significant amount of time NOT doing things and im trying to fix it#also. crazy coincidence that now that im on different meds i actually feel better.#like im at the bare minimum of feeling vetter and its still such an improvement
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i have two moods :😔 crippling depression and anxiety making it hard to stay alive 😔
and ✨️pop icon in the bathroom✨️
#honestly i think im funny when i want to be with the people i want it to be#and honestly not many people get to see that side cuz it just takes away from this mysterious and quiet persona i have#but once i let u in baby the jokes never stopping#well they stop when im having an existential crisis but lets not count thay#actually i make jokes even when i feel like dying lmao#so um yeah#i wish i had friends whom i could make jokes with#but the problem is people dont understand my humor cuz they dont about the topic im talking about#but like here on tumblr say if i make jokes about some character people do get it#my fandoms dont match with otherss irl#actually most of my irl friends are not into any actual fandoms 💀#given i dont have many irl#people whom i actually talk to ? not more than 2-3 id say#i do have more friends but like i dont TALK talk with them iykwim#and tbh i dont really need too many friends im fine with what i have cuz thats amazing#more people u let in = higher chance of becoming toxic + more heartbreak + more energy drainage + start losing urself to please others +#more back bitching + bejng asked to give more explanation when u have ur kms times and u disappear for a while#and when u dont explain they get mad or u get tired and just cut them off#lmao im rambling all my problems in just one post oops
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LMAOOOO no fr everyone kept saying "watch out for pickpockets !!!!!!!!!!" had me so nervous ...... not a single person approached me 💀
#and i was in both the main parts of the cities and the suburbs#if that's what they're even called#tbh the grossest part i was in was venice#like the central part and neighbouring islands were fine but as soon as you start walking away from the canal... whew#the further you get the worse it is 🤢 quite honestly don't understand the hype this city gets#unbelievably overrated.. and that's coming from a girlie who loves waterfront cities!#i live in montreal and love the old port! always been obsessed with halifax!#but my goodness the east coast here feels CLEAN compared to venice...#it smelled AWFUL and some areas in the city felt very third worldly...#like how was it reminding me of both montreal and the country i was born in at the same time?? 💀#lmao anyway#i wish i lived near the mediterranean sea... that's where i belong... that's home 💔#i'm such a water girlie but i also love the mountains (don't make me choose) so i can't even complain 😩#canada is gorgeous and humongous and we have everything here and there's still so much to discover#still intending on visiting every nhl city !! i'm at 4/7 canadian teams (not counting ex-teams & layovers lol)#not counting arenas either i've only done 2 and i was right by the arena in vancouver but never seen the toronto one#as for american teams... lol. only two 🤠#lowkey jealous of the states sometimes cause y'all could just road trip anywhere and see so many places at once#imagine if i tried to road trip from here to winnipeg. lol. there wouldn't be much to see on the way 🤣#ugh i already miss travelling i can't get enough#i need to explore more of asia though honestly#like south east asia especially 😩😩 indonesia... thailand...#i need trees. ok i need all of water mountains AND trees. DON'T MAKE ME CHOOSE !!#(see this is why canada is perfect for me lol. i really am so grateful to live here)#**#bro i just looked it up. it would take 25 hours to drive from montreal to winnipeg.#THAT'S THE SAME AS DRIVING TO FLORIDA. ARE YOU KIDDING ME#SEE WHAT I MEAN !!!! this country is huge and not many places would be checked off the list 😭#there's 50 states and here we have 10 provinces 😭😭
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GOD!!! I love Iroh
#honestly they could have made his character darker in canon#let him have killed dragons#let people ask why he only stopped the siege after HIS son died#let Zuko in S1 get tired of Iroh's dicking around and scream at him that he's not taking capturing the Avatar seriously so Zuko can go home#and Iroh can't tell him that yeah he doesn't want to go home because he's depressed af#but also acting silly is an easier way to keep Zuko away from Ozai#AND it keeps Iroh away from the Fire Nation#so yeah he's being selfish but it's keeping Zuko safe#I wish Iroh and Azula could have had more one on one moments#I wish he could lament that Azula is going down the same path as him but Azula is too proud to see#that she could lose everything and be as much of 'a loser' like him#Yes there will still be the tension#Iroh will still encourage Zuko with moves that Azula doesn't know if it motivates him#because if Zuko loses faith he WILL get his dumb ass captured and hauled home in chains#Iroh has lost one child he will not lose another#but then let him realize he could be damning Azula all the same#but the more he tries to talk to her the more he sees himself and his pride and ego and he cannot get to her in a way that won't jeopardize#his and Zuko's safety#so he must focus solely on himself and Zuko and getting to BSS#there's more I could say but I think I have enough here lmao
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From time to time I must fight the internalized notion I feel lonely cause I'm single, and remind myself I feel lonely because We Live In A Society that must alienate and impede the cultivation of community, or else the fabricated scarcity and helplessness will crumble.
Along with our passiveness in front of this dehumanazing system. Which would be Very Bad for the few more powerful ppl in the planet, of course.
#mira.jpeg#i'm lucky i got to decentralize romantic love early in life#but i do get the blues from time to time... it's takes me little to remember that's not what i want or need though#i'm satisfied with the love my friends and my family give me#i honestly don't wish for any other different kinda love#i just wish i could see my loves more frequently... my loneliness comes from being away from them for so long#a problem kept in place by a gazillion aspects of our system's design ofc ofc
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In heteronormative narrations a single-female-friend character is most often depicted as a threat for the couple/marriage. Threat for the girl that is. Like: beware, this bitch is single! so "obviously" her main goal is to steal your guy because, you know, she's a desperate selfish erotically-starving bitch...
Well, I can't speak for other single ladies but in the most couples I know - if I were to brake the relationship I'd rather run away with the girl🤷
#I'm aro and ace. but girls are just funnier#I like my male cousins but honestly? every each one of them I would give away for his wife#my cousins' wives are not ''related'' to me and yet they all feel more like family to me than my male cousins ever did#not to mention I secretly wish my best friend could finally break free from the toxic relationship#that she have with her lazy underappreciating partner#maybe then we could meet more often... or even live closer to each other again#I certainly don't hate guys! though if having one on my own - for the most part of the day I would not know what to do with him🤔#unless he would be enormously talkative. like an average girl😜#relationship goals#single#aroace#aromantic#asexual#heteronormativity#amatonormativity#relationship#''why would I want your man? I don't know why you want your man''#EDIT: okey there's also my female-cousin's boyfriend. I love to talk with him#he's quite xenophobic conspiracy theories fan and YET he's intelligent enough to have a fascinating conversation with#but I also like to talk about movies with my best friend's boyfriend. even though I think she should get rid of him#no offence man - our shared interests don't change the fact that just don't deserve her at all👎
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#for how long am i gonna wake up.. and have my first thought be him#and then wish that when i look at my phone i will have messages waiting from him#where he said gm and told me abt his day like i had every day for a while..#and then suddenly get anxiety pain in my whole chest and stomach#bc i know i dont have any messages from him. and that we dont really talk anymore#and now idek if he would want to keep message me every once in a while#am i gonna keep living off of the high from one message from him now and then?#like idk :((( it's just so painful#and it does hurt more now bc... for a long time i still hade hope that like ofc we will talk!!!!! when he's ready to talk#we will talk abt everything and it will all be fine ^-^ i really really had trust and belief in that#like i genuinely thought that would happen. bc to /me/ this is the most real and strong thing i've had#which truly i understand is also naive and unwordly of me and also im very intense and emotional abt things#so truly i cannot get mad abt it only have been the one thing to want and to wanna fight for#bc yeah.. ig it just stings a lot more than just a crush bc to me.. like i sound so silly and naive but i should just vent#bc like yeah... i dont have any friends to talk to or a therapist or anything and i need to talk T-T#it's embarrassing but to me i really felt like i had found my person.. the person who i wanted to be the closest to in the world..#felt the kind of love where i would do anything and fight for it to even have a chance.. and yeah..#ig i was very naive to have the 'certainty' that .. i was just waiting and being patient and giving him space. maybe that wasnt actually#what he needed. but w my avpd i didnt know how to be pushy or.. like how to be enough pushy like he would need#without being too intense to push him too far away from me. bc im intense.. so i know that even if he's right for me#im not right for him bc i could not give him what he needs.. :(((#but yeah.. everyday i wake up w so much sadness bc i know i wont get to talk to him all day#and now the sadness is coupled with intense dread and anxiety#bc honestly i have no idea if he'll ever reply to me again or how much we will talk if we even will at all.#and the thought of life without him and not even have him in it even a little makes me wanna die lol#idk.. idk... bc i wont get to have what i want.. which is to simply be with him. but yeah idk... idk#it pains me sm that ... we never did talk to find out whatever was between us. and regardless of intent on his behalf that does make me fee#*i* am the one who valued and cared abt our 'bond' more than he did... but it is what it is it is what it is#it just hurts... bc i found someone i both thought and wanted it to be real with. but... i never even got a chance to try or talk abt it#which also is life.. if he found someone (twice) that he did like enough to want to try with but not with me.. that's just how he felt..
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