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#Hilarious Christmas Presents
noisycowboyglitter · 2 months
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Hillary Clinton Ugly Christmas Funny Tee - Ideal for Holiday Parties
Combine holiday humor with political satire in this unconventional twist on the classic ugly Christmas sweater trend. Featuring a caricature of Hillary Clinton, this garment offers a playful take on the former First Lady, Senator, and Presidential candidate's image, set against a backdrop of exaggerated Christmas motifs.
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Buy now:19.95$
The design typically showcases Clinton in exaggerated holiday attire, perhaps donning a Santa hat or tangled in Christmas lights. Bold, clashing colors and intentionally tacky patterns surround the central figure, creating the signature "ugly sweater" aesthetic. Humorous slogans or puns related to Clinton's political career might be incorporated, adding an extra layer of comedic value.
Available in various styles including sweaters, t-shirts, and hoodies, this item caters to those who appreciate political humor and aren't afraid to make a statement at holiday parties. It's perfect for ugly sweater contests, casual gatherings, or as a conversation-starting gift for the politically savvy friend with a sense of humor.
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While potentially polarizing, this product aims to lighten the mood and poke fun at the intersection of politics and holiday cheer. It's important to note that reactions may vary depending on individual political views and sensitivities.
This novelty item falls into the category of humorous gag gifts, playing on controversial political themes. It's designed to provoke laughs among those who share a particular viewpoint, though it may not be to everyone's taste.
The product typically features slogans or imagery related to the idea of detaining a female political figure. It might come in various forms such as t-shirts, mugs, or small decorative items. The design often incorporates bold text and exaggerated graphics for comedic effect.
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While intended as a joke, it's important to note that this type of gift can be divisive and potentially offensive to some. It's best suited for audiences who appreciate edgy political humor and understand its satirical nature.
When considering this gag gift, be mindful of the recipient's sense of humor and political views to ensure it will be received in the spirit of fun in which it's intended.
Funny Christmas presents add a dash of humor to holiday gift-giving. These whimsical items range from quirky gadgets to witty apparel and amusing novelties. Think toilet golf sets, bacon-scented candles, or shirts with hilarious slogans. Practical jokes, punny mugs, and
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outrageous board games also fall into this category. These gifts aim to provoke laughter and lighten the mood during festive gatherings. They're perfect for office parties, white elephant exchanges, or for friends and family members with a great sense of humor. While not always the most practical, funny Christmas presents create memorable moments and bring joy through laughter.
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purpleshadow-star · 9 months
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Hc that Luther let Maria keep her Christmas traditions when they got married, so Nicky grew up celebrating Christmas on Christmas Eve and opening gifts at midnight and then doing stockings and a last gift Christmas day in the morning (because Luther still wanted to do some Christmas celebrating on Christmas day).
He continues this tradition when he takes in the twins. It's an adjustment for the twins, but despite Aaron's complaining and Andrew's non-reactions, they like actually celebrating Christmas without the tension and strain that's always been connected to it all their lives due to their upbrinings. They like having a tradition with someone who actually cares about them.
When they join the Foxes, everyone is too separated to be interested in having any kind of celebration together, but after Neil's freshman year, Nicky mentions their way of celebrating, and it intrigues everyone. They all agree to go along with this way of celebrating all together (it makes Nicky cry of joy). They fly Randy and Stephanie and Erik to South Carolina and decorate Abby's house inside and out and have the best Christmas celebration Nicky ever remembers having. He's never been so happy, surrounded by family, everyone happy and having a good time.
Nicky enjoys watching the Foxes deal with the struggle of having to wait until midnight to open presents for the first time. Aaron and Andrew are used to it now after a few years, so the three of them have a good time watching everyone impatiently start to count the minutes until midnight starting at 10:30pm.
When midnight hits, cheers loud enough to wake the whole neighborhood erupt from inside the house, and Wymack has to step in to keep the tree and the mound of presents under it from being demolished. He hands presents out one by one and smiles and laughter accompany the opening of all the presents.
When everything is passed out and opened, they take some time to have their last few desserts and conversations before calling it a night. Nicky cuddles on the couch with Erik and simply lets himself soak in the joy of being able to enjoy his traditions with his new family.
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moodyvikingjokes · 9 months
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bixiaoshi · 4 months
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my mom is so funny. i sent her a hq!! tshirt as an idea for a birthday present and she said she didn't like it 😭😭 ma'am that shirt is for WHO
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chantalstacys · 2 years
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weekend vibes 🧸🗞
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magnoliaspringdesign · 10 months
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barbieaemond · 9 months
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Lykirī
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PAIRING: Aemond Targaryen x wife!reader
WARNINGS: loss of virginity, fingering, oral sex (f and m receiving), handjob, we ride him bitches, dom/sub tones if you squint
WORD COUNT: 8.9k
Author's note: an early Christmas gift for those who celebrate!! For those who don't, just a regular smutty piece. This was based on a request where wife!reader rides Aemond. Merry Aemondmas :)
MASTERLIST
taglist: @zae5 @multyfangirl @arcielee
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"You are to marry the King's second son. Prince Aemond Targaryen."
Those were your father's words. Your sister had looked at you almost with pity and a hint of relief since that fate had befallen you and not her. You had simply nodded, accepting the fate decided by your father, just as thousands of other daughters before and after you would have done.
Your mother had come to comb your hair before going to bed, and without much ado, she had told you what would happen after the wedding, after the banquet.
"All you have to do is try to relax your nerves, and I promise it will be less painful.”
The thought had stuck in your brain until the wedding day. And the aura emanating from the prince didn't help. He was stoic to the point of looking like a statue, his posture rigid as a spindle, and there was something unsettling about him that made the hairs on the back of your neck stand when he took your hand to recite the wedding vows. Fear, but also a foreign giddiness prickling your skin upon feeling his calloused fingers around yours.
The banquet had not helped either. Prince Aegon had behaved like a court jester, drinking to the point of wondering how he could stand upright, poking his brother with cruel jokes about his eye and a whore who had made Aemond a man many years before.
You didn’t know what kind of unpleasant memories your good-brother had just summoned in his brother’s mind. That woman and her cheap perfume, that way it had clung to his skin, to his thoughts for days after his only ever trip to Flea Bottom.
Then the elder Prince had approached you with his breath stinking of Dornish and it was then that Prince Aemond broke his icy silence, standing up abruptly and looking down at you. "Come, wife. It is time for us to retire."
Prince Aegon had clapped his hands as if in front of a hilarious show, saying "Finally some fun! The bedding!"
The entire crowd present at the banquet had escorted you to the prince's chambers. The servants had removed your dress, leaving you in your underskirts; you had unconsciously covered your chest, crossing your arms to hide from the greedy eyes of the men peering in the doorway, Prince Aegon in the front row with yet another cup of wine clutched between his fingers.
Master Mellos invited you to lie down on the bed, and you obeyed, swallowing, while a host of servants shielded you from view as the Maester made his humiliating inspection.
"All is in order, your Graces," the Master informed the Prince and Queen. And that was enough for Aemond to completely slip the iron mask off his face and go straight to the door. "The show is over. Get out."
"Oh, come on, little brother. Let me watch, at least. I could give you some tips."
Aemond had towered over his brother, and from your seat on the bed, you were able to see the eldest brother shrinking by the moment. "This is not some common whore you're speaking of.” Aemond seethed “She is my wife, and you will owe her the respect she deserves. One more lewd word from your mouth, and I will rip your tongue with my bare hands. Am I being clear?”
"Gods, brother, are you already so cunt-struck?"
He never got an answer, only the door being slammed right into his face.
You stood in the middle of the room, torturing your hands as he looked at you from the door. He seemed unsure of what to do, until he cleared his throat and took a few tentative steps in the room.
“You could have some wine, if you wish. It may…help you.” He said, but as he said this, he seemed to regret his own words, given how his mouth twitched as if he had just tasted something sour. Memories could come just like that, sudden and sour.
“You must relax, my prince. Have some wine, maybe? No need to worry, I will take care of you just as a prince deserves to.”
“I’d like to keep my mind clear, my Prince.” You said, keeping your gaze down, hearing his fast and deep sigh. “Fine.” he said, straightening his back as a soldier. After all, wasn’t this just another duty?
It wasn’t just that though. You were his wife now, the future mother of his children. It was his duty and his right to claim you as his own.
“Lay on the bed.”
With your heart pounding in your ears, you did as you were told but when the mattress dipped under his weight, you did not expect to see him with his clothes still on, the eyepatch firmly in its place. More so, you did not expect the harshness of his gestures as he held your waist to turn you around. The air hitched in your throat as your face met the mattress and a strange sorrow gripped your heart. Did he not want to look at you? Did he not like you?
“Try to stay still and it’ll be over shortly.” he said. He was trying to sound reassuring, but his voice came out cold and flat. His fingers latched on your underskirts, hiking them up, filling you with embarrassment as you grow completely exposed beneath him.
Aemond knew what to do. He may not have been as depraved as his brother, but he was still a man. And once in a while, when his hands would not suffice, some maid or servant girl would’ve had to bear, quite keenly on their part, his intimate attentions.
As his hands began to glide on your thighs, you shivered and said “Wait…”
Slowly your head turned to look at him, cheeks red and breath slow and anxious. “Am I not allowed to look at you?”
Your words seemed to stun him for a moment. The mere thought of you wanting to look at him made him realize how wrong he was behaving. You were his wife, not a common whore to bend over and have his moment of bliss. He had even told Aegon. That was not his intention, but there was a gap between how he felt and how he acted, a limb severed by years of pity looks and feelings trapped in his mouth and swallowed.
Almost gently, he made you turn but once you were facing him, he pinned your wrists on the mattress, unable to touch him even if you had gathered enough courage to do it. You tried to brace yourself for what your mother had told you. But she had not told you that he would touch you there, that all your senses would go numb except for that one brand new feeling between your legs. But he seemed enthralled by it just as you, his mouth parting to let out slow puffs of air as you grow wet and swollen against his fingers.
Your breath was labored, coming out in soft pants that made your cheeks purple. More so because he kept circling his deft fingers on your core while looking straight into your eyes, reveling in the way you were answering to his call, in the way he was shaping your need, your desire.
“You never touched yourself, did you?” he asked in a husky voice.
You barely shook your head and his eye glinted with something dark as he brought his face close to yours “Good. I shall be the only one inside you.”
He swallowed your shaky breath with this mouth, kissing you for the very first time, apart from the shy, almost prude peck exchanged after the wedding vows. Your lips moved shyly, trembling with the coiling pressure between your legs. And just when you thought this heat, this delicious aching couldn’t grow more unbearable, he sticked a finger inside you, spilling a loud moan right against his mouth.
One of your wrists twisted in his harsh hold, willing to touch him, to grip on something, but he didn’t let you. “Easy…” he blew on your lips “Relax. It’ll feel good, I promise…”
It surely felt good to him, to feel the tightness of your cunt squeezing his finger. He curled it and you squinted your eyes, choking a gasp that made him smirk proudly against your jaw. “Gods, you’re so tight…” he breathed as he kept rubbing slowly against your walls.
“It’s—it’s too much—“ you cried out with pain and pleasure running together, breathing his scent of ash, leather and a hint of something minty.
“How will you take my cock if you can’t even take my finger?” He whispered with benevolent cruelty, moving his finger faster and deeper.
Certainly your mother had not told you of the obscene wet sounds you would hear, of the uncontrollable moans coming out of your mouth, of his soft growling next to your ear when his breeches became too tight.
He had lined the tip of his hard manhood to your entrance, catching your breath away as tried to still your nerves, but the pain came altogether. You felt like he was cutting you from the inside. Tears filled your eyes, squinting for the painful stretching. You knew he was restraining himself; he didn’t want to hurt you more than he already was. And you almost felt affection for him, most men would not have bothered.
Then he had started to move, you felt that stranger body rubbing over and over against your walls, and finally the pain soothed, but not completely. You could tell he was enjoying it, his ragged breath and faint moans told you so, as well as the curses hissed through his teeth in a language you guessed was Valyrian. And then he had stilled completely, gripping your hips hard and firm while you felt a hot wave pulsing through your core.
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The next morning, you could barely sit down for breakfast, and your aunt had looked at you with concern and a hint of amusement in her eyes. She was a veteran at court, a long-time widow, and quite happy to be so. It was her who suggested your betrothal to the Prince.
"How are you feeling, sweet niece?"
"Awful." you said promptly, shifting your weight on the seat.
"Well, this is the kind of anguish all women must go through."
"I thought that was giving birth to another human being."
"Oh Gods, no. That is the ugly part. This is the good one," she said with a sly smile "I suggest you enjoy it as much as you can."
At the time, you didn't really understand what she meant. The first night with the prince had gone...well, you thought. But he certainly enjoyed it more than you.
The second time was better. Your muscles were still sore, but the pain was but a faint discomfort compared to the pleasure you felt for the very first time in your life.
The third time he went down on you, bringing you so close to the edge only to deny your release, with cruel enjoyment on his part, making you whine with shame at the loss of his mouth and tongue on your folds.
The fourth time he bent you down on the breakfast table, all things falling in a mess of cutlery. He had pulled up your skirts and lowered his breeches just enough to thrust in, unraveling a special spot deep inside of you that had you mewling like some primitive beast.
The fifth time he had you writhing in bed, hair stuck to your head with sweat and hands clenching the sheets while he had you peak three times in a row.
It was then that you started to think your aunt was right.
That was indeed the good part.
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“Are you afraid?” he asks, with a soft taunt on the tip of his tongue. You drag your eyes away from the gigantic beast before you and almost scoff. That is enough for him to laugh, quietly, but still not quietly enough for you to not notice and wonder at the view.
It’s been merely one moon since you’ve been married to Prince Aemond, and you could count on the fingers of your hand the times you have seen him laugh. It was eerie at first, you feared all the things you heard about the One Eyed Prince were true. That he was cold as stone and just as hard. And he was. But the more you spent time together, the more you were able to make cracks, and let light through.
“I’m equally afraid as any little mortal of right mind would be in front of the largest dragon in the known world, my dear husband.”
His lips stay quirked up, but his eye widens, as it always does when you call him that. He steps close to you, a few of his long strides are enough for him to tower over you, and the ground below your feet shifts.
“Come.” He says, taking your hand, “I promise she won’t eat you.” This time you deliberately glare at him, and he raises an eyebrow. “Do you need some other kind of persuasion to trust me? Perhaps like the one I used this morning?”
The early afternoon sun makes his face almost hurting to watch, or maybe it's just his bold gloating that makes his appearance so exhausting.
“That was not persuasion.” you remark, hiding the tinge of red on your cheeks “It was coercion.”
“Hmm. You didn’t seem so hostile when I made you come twice before breakfast.”
"I was hostile to the chance of the maid assisting with what we were doing."
"The maid should know better than to enter while my wife is undressing."
His eye roams over you just as he had done that morning, hunger clouding it, making your insides shrink. "Perhaps it's best if she knew. Someone must be aware of how cruel my husband is." there's a soft tease in your tone—something you are still learning, but true nonetheless.
He had ripped your nightgown with his bare hands when the maid entered to help you dress. She fled hastily, but you barely spared a glance at her, already lost to the fierce claim of his hand between your legs. He had taken you, twice, and then ordered you to dress, forcing you to have breakfast with the Queen and the Princess with your thighs still sticky with sex, sticky with him.
And he had been there, sitting just in front of you, with a piercing and delighted gaze.
He pulls your hand, and you follow, getting closer to that living relic that is Vhagar, Queen of All Dragons. She raises her monstrous head and looks straight at you with her amber eyes.
It is the first time you step so close to her, and even if you thought about it a lot, your heart is pounding fast, and your breath comes out slow and labored. She's a dreadful wonder.
She flares her nostrils and smells you, making a low rumble which results in a gust of hot wind that ruffles your hair and skirts.
“Lykirī, Vhagar.” Aemond says quietly “Issa ñuha ābrazȳrys. Kostā pāsagon zirȳla.”
You look at him questioningly, and he answers. “I told her you are my wife. And she can trust you.”
You cast a curious look at the dragon and then back at him “Is that all it takes? You tell dragons to trust you, and they resist the urge to turn you into their meal?”
Aemond curves his lips and makes you step closer, standing behind you and guiding your hand on the old green scales. “It takes much more than that.” he whispers in your ear “You have to surrender to them, completely. A dragon is no slave.”
You feel the heat beneath your palm, but it’s not that that makes you swallow; it’s the heat of his breath on your neck, right into your ear, scorching his way into your brain and inflaming every thought.
“What does Lykirī mean?” you ask, and you hate how your voice cracks on the edges.
He smirks because he knows, he always does. But he does not answer. Instead, he pulls your hand again, and you follow, circling the beast until stopping before the intricate ropes that lead to the saddle.
“Aemond, I don’t think—”
“You are my wife and you will ride with me on dragon back.” He said, commanding.
Truthfully, you gladly want to obey; there is just a slight difference between picturing riding a dragon and doing it.
Even the climbing to get in the saddle is a challenge on its own, but he helps you until you firmly seat yourself in it. Aemond sits behind you, and you look around with widened eyes, as if you are looking down from the highest tower ever built, except this is a living one, made of fire and breathing fire.
He leans over you to grab the reins, and you tense, waiting with bathed breath.
“Dohaeras, Vhagar. Soves!”
She lets out a loud screech that makes your ears hurt, but you have no time to even register it because she's already moving. You grip Aemond’s arms and brace yourself against his chest when Vhagar lurches onward and opens her huge wings to take flight.
She goes up and up, above the clouds, and your head is dizzy, with fear, with euphoria, until you are laughing like a child, like you never did in your entire life. Aemond lets go of the reins and laces his arms around you, angling his head to look at you, his silver hair violently ruffled by the wind. “How does it feel, my sweet wife?”
There are no common words to describe it. Now you know why they say Targaryens are closer to Gods than men. No man could claim a dragon or rule the skies.
“I feel like I’m close to the Gods.” you say, and he tightens the hold on you “Dragons do not answer to Gods.” he says, burying his nose in your hair “Where does this leave us?”
You turn your head to look at him, and you feel like you are looking at one of them. And yet he looks like he’s beyond any God.
“Above them. Above the Gods.”
“Hmm.” He croons, breathing your scent through his nose, and then his right hand grabs your skirt and dips underneath, until you feel his cold fingers grazing your skin. “I will make you feel like one.”
He cups your core through your small clothes, and you whimper, gripping his arm harder. He feels your heat through his palm, hotter than Vhagar’s own fire, and he sets the fabric aside to properly touch you. “My sweet wife.” he whispers, sliding a finger between your folds “Always so ready for me.”
“Aemond.” You say, holding your breath, trying to oppose but your voice cracks, and your body with it, already answering to his call. You see clouds before your eyes, but it’s all a blur, all your senses are enslaved by his touch, rubbing lazy circles on your bud. Too slow for your liking, for your need. Your hips arch and buck, chasing his hand for more friction, and he laughs, darkly. “What is it? What do you need, sweet girl? Tell me.”
He takes your chin with his free hand and forces you to turn your head and look at him. His hold is ruthless, but his tone is almost pleading. “Tell me.” he orders and you feel like he’s smothering you, sweeping away all the air from your lungs. “I-I need more…”
“More of what?” he asks, stopping altogether. “Show me.”
You look him in the eye and swallow, heat inflaming your cheeks, but there’s no place for shame, not here. It is just a faint ghost passing through you, and then it’s gone. Your hand pulls the gown up, and you place it on his, like a feather. “Here.” You breathe on his mouth “Inside.”
The howling wind does nothing to muffle his growl, and then he’s kissing you, harshly, teeth clashing and biting your lips as he accepts your plea, sliding a finger inside of you.
A strangled moan escapes you, and he swallows it, darting his tongue in every corner of your mouth. He releases your chin only to grab your leg to further open them and then he adds a second finger, moving them deftly until reaching that special spot. Your head falls back on his shoulder, gasping loudly, digging your nails into his hand.
Your breath is ragged and fast, and you uselessly try to stifle moan after moan even if there are only the skies to hear.
“Don’t.” he says grazing your lobe with his teeth “I want to hear you. I want you to scream for me.”
Your mind goes blank, as does all your restraint. You feel the tide coming to crash you, hips moving on their own accord, chasing and chasing. And then you’re drowning in it, mouth falling open and flesh and bones clenching and trembling.
He grunts softly when your nails scratch his skin and his fingers slip out, glistening; he raises them to his lips and tastes every drop of you. Still panting, he takes your chin once more with his sticky fingers and licks your lips, so you taste yourself on his tongue.
Your head is still dizzy when Vhagar lands in a clearing in the King’s Wood, but this has nothing to do with altitude. Your limbs are heavy when he helps you dismount, your legs buckle. There is a tautness knotting your bones, itching your fingertips.
You wish to touch him, because you have never, not as a wife would touch her husband, not as he has done with you.
It is only a moon and yet he has taken you almost every night and every day. He has touched you everywhere, he has molded you to his liking, and you let him do it with giddiness, undoing yourself like clay in his hands. He had put his mouth on you, and you have discovered he particularly enjoyed it, because he has done that at the most inopportune times, even in some dark corner of the corridors.
And you wondered if you could do the same with him—not because you have to, but because you want to. You want to claim him just as he claims you, relentlessly.
And he really is. He is relentless, he doesn't give you the time to wander with your hands, to discover, to touch. Fire burns him quickly and you are ashes before you realise you are burning with him.
“I didn’t know my wife had claws.” He says at one point, while you are going back to the Keep.
You wake from your thoughts and turn, watching him raise his hand to show the red marks on the back of his hand, and the sight makes you almost proud—proud to have left a mark of you on him. But you want more, and he wants more. You know it; it takes a brief look at his breeches to know that he wants more.
You dart your eyes around, but there's no one. So, you stop. Trying to gather all the boldness you never had, you step closer to him and take his hand in yours. Your eyes look up slowly, glinting with uncertainty and bravery. "Then let me soothe your pain, husband."
Aemond’s eye widens, and the air around you turn heavy, forcing you to open your mouth to breathe. You take one more step and bring the back of his hand to your lips, kissing it gently while your eyes stay fixed on his face. The other hand goes tentatively to his chest and then slides down, and for once, just once, he’s the one answering your call. His eye darkens and his lips part when your hands bashfully grab the laces of his breeches.
But you should have known better. Targaryens and their desires. Doomed to take whatever they want, whenever they want, answering neither Gods nor men.
You barely blink and he grabs you by the wrists and forces you to the ground. Cold grass and bushes stinging your back make you gasp, but Aemond is already on you, watching you like a century-long thirsted man who takes a glimpse of a water spring, as if you could evaporate from his sight at any moment.
“Aemond, please.” you beg “let me—“
But his tongue is in your mouth, hot and scorching you alive. Your eyes flutter shut, and he hikes your skirts up, taking hold of your hips. You feel his bulge against you, hard and ready, and you can do nothing else than wait, pinned down like prey, all bravery a distant memory.
Suddenly he lowers himself down, lifting your skirts with haste until you’re completely bare half down. “No—Aemond, please I want to—”
“You want what?” he asks with a wolfish grin “Deny me your sweet taste? Iksā ñuhon, ābrazȳrys.” He said that already, you know what it means. You are mine.
“You belong to me. And this…” he swears placing your legs on his shoulders while looking at your aching core as a man who found the greatest treasure in the world. “This belongs to me as well.”
He runs his tongue up and down your wet folds, humming with delight as he tastes you and sees you squirm, arching your back on the stingy bushes. You moan loudly when he slowly swirls his tongue, not able to keep track of your hips starting  to move on their own, thrusting into his mouth and the sight of you like this, makes him even wilder, pushing him to open his mouth and put it entirely on your cunt, sucking harshly until anything before your eyes becomes blurred.
Your legs on his shoulders begin to shake and curl, caging him further against you, but just when you are about to come straight into his mouth, he pulls back. A weak sob leaves your mouth as your hips keep bucking against nothing and he smirks at that, untangling your legs from his shoulders, running his tongue over his lips, to taste what's left of you on him. You look at him through dazed eyes and a tinge of annoyance for the denied release. “What?” he has the boldness to ask with a sly smirk “Did you not enjoy it?” he runs his thumb on his glistening chin and swiftly licks it. "Hmm. I most certainly did."
“Aemond, please.” you claw desperately at his shoulders and forearms, forcing him to lie on you, feel something that could soothe the aching between your legs. He seems keen to grant you this mercy, molding his crotch against you so you can feel how hard and desperate he is.
“Please.” you beg in a thin voice.
“Speak it plainly, my love. I want to hear it from your pretty mouth.”
You look at him straight in the eye and what you say next is not a request nor a plea. Your mother would be ashamed of you, but you can’t bring yourself to care.
You are not begging. You are demanding. “Fuck me.”
He doesn’t need more than a few moments to get his cock out of his breeches, and not a moment later he’s pushing inside of you, your back arching on the bushes and your throat fighting for breath. He groans and starts a relentless pace, lifting his weight from you just enough for him to look at his cock going in and out, the sight only pushing him to thrust harder and harder. “Look at you.” he croons, sweet and rough “You were born to take me, to be mine.”
Your face twists with pleasure, teeth biting your lower lip while he takes you higher and higher, higher than any sky a dragon could ever take you.
He soon becomes messy and sloppy, cursing under his breath, but you can barely hear him. Your mind is sluggish and everything comes muffled: him, the birds chirping on some tree, your wet flesh slapping against his in the lewdest and most blessed way.
He curses some more, and then he’s spilling inside you, his arched mouth opening and his eye closing like a man absolved.
And yet, he does not stop. He has not claimed enough.
“Māzis, dōna ābrazȳrys. Come for me.”
Your hand clutches something on the ground, something with thorns that pierces your skin with pain, but you can’t even feel that, because you are falling, legs trembling around him, and heart stopping for an endless moment of pure breathtaking bliss.
“Gevie.” he coos with his lips on yours, falling with his body on you, still clenching and pulsing around him. He stays right where he is, nesting inside of you, and now it is the only chance you have been granted to touch him. You put an arm around his shoulders, catching your breath, and look at the skies above, thinking you are indeed above them.
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It was easy to explain the dirt and grass stains on your dress. It was a little less easy to explain the twigs in your ruffled hair when you and Aemond returned to the Keep only to meet the Queen Mother along one of the corridors. Alicent merely smiled at you with a tight smile and did not spare from giving a look full of daggers to her son.
"Seven Hells" you mutter when you go back to your rooms and catch a glimpse of the mess you are in the mirror.
Aemond stays on the threshold to close the door and grins, or rather, gloats.
You step out of your muddy shoes and start to pull the laces of your dress.
"What are you doing?" he asks, and you playfully glare at him. "Am I allowed to take a bath now? Or do you want me to go around all sullied? I fear there are no believable excuses for the state I’m in."
"You can tell them the truth." he says, walking to you and replacing your hands with his to help you pull the intricate laces.
You smile softly with your back turned before raising an eyebrow, asking "Which is?"
He keeps his eye focused on the dress, a slight furrow in his brow, and stoically serious, he says "That your husband fucked you in the King's Wood."
"I could tell the maid. I'm sure she won't be stunned after what she saw this morning."
He makes you turn so you can look at him, and the sight before you makes your heart sing. His eye roams on your face softly, a rare sight on him, always stoic, always sharp, like all the angles composing this beautiful sculpture of black glass.
You always thought of marriage as a strategic deal for men, and a way for women to prove their value to the world, giving those same men sons and daughters. But you care for him. And he cares for you. That look on his face is enough for you to know that he cares for you, not merely as a brood mare.
“Gevie.” he says, quietly, and he touches your cheek, softly, making you wonder how those same hands can be so delicate and yet so merciless at the same time.
“What does it mean?” you ask, even if you are sure he will not answer. You observed that when he speaks in High Valyrian he does it almost to himself, as if to protect something he does not wish the others to know.
But this time, he meets your eyes and lowers his hand. “Beautiful.”
You look at him with your heart pounding in your throat, and then you stand up on your toes, crashing your mouth against his, almost catching him by surprise. But he is all too deft at turning the game on his side, and a few seconds later, his hands are gripping your hips and his tongue is licking the roof of your mouth.
When the door suddenly opens, you pull back, spotting the same maid from that morning who, this time, can do nothing but suffer the Prince's wrath.
"Can't you just fuck off for once?!"
You hold back a laugh against his chest and the poor maid flees in a hurry. But when he pulls you to him, tilting his head to pick up where he left off, you step back and say, "I'm afraid the Queen has requested your presence. You should go, my dear husband. I promise that by tonight I will be completely clean."
"Tonight?" he asks, raising his eyebrow. "What is happening tonight?"
You shrug your shoulders and hold back a smile. "Innocence doesn't suit you, my Prince."
"Neither does you."
"I'm afraid this is your fault. You are sullying my soul as well as...everything else."
"You won't be of the same mind when you have my child growing in your womb," and he smirks, looking at you as if he's taking a sacred oath, and then walks away.
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You finally manage to take a bath and change clothes, and then you go to visit your aunt. She spends most of her time alone, sipping tea in the gardens, partly because she can't stand the other court ladies, partly because the court ladies can't stand her. Truthfully, you cannot blame them, your aunt speaks plainly—too plainly at times.
You sit down with her for tea, which you end up swallowing like salt, because your aunt takes it with a whole squeezed lemon, and no sugar.
"I saw you with your husband earlier. I may be too old for new fashion but mud on your skirt and twigs in your hair seem a bit too brazen, even for me."
You stifle a smile, recalling what happened. If only she knew he was brazen enough to have you utterly undone on dragon back, thousands of feet up.
Your eyes go distant while you fumble with some tablecloth threads, but your Aunt stares at you piercely, and grabbing her cup of tea she says "I love that look on you."
"What?"
She sips the sour liquid and puts the cup down. "That look. The I'm in love look."
"I am not!" you counter, cheeks going red.
"Of course you are. I've watched you two. I dare say he's falling way faster than you."
You look at her puzzled. Many things have changed in a moon. And you are sure you are utterly infatuated with him. But you did not know what to think of what he actually feels for you, if he even feels something. You know he cares for you, you know he loves spending time with you. You know he's passionate, possessive, almost soft at rare times. But in love? That seems too soon to consider, or to hope for.
"It is too soon to talk about love."
"In fact, I did not, my sweet niece. Falling in love and love are beasts of different species. Why do you think we say "falling"? You can't stop from falling. To love a person is an entirely different matter. Love is a choice."
You let those words sink but you prefer not to question your heart right now. There is a reason you have come here to talk to your aunt, even if you don't know how to address the matter without melting from embarrassment.
But in the end, who could you ask for advice? Your squeamish maids? The Queen Mother? Definitely not.
"Listen, I...I wanted to ask you something..." you start "It is uhm...a matter of somewhat intimate nature."
"Ah, my favourites." your aunt says, beaming "I am all ears."
You shift uncomfortably in your chair and swallow another sip of that dreadful tea "My mother...she explained to me what would happen between husband and wife to...consummate the marriage. But she didn't tell me...well, everything else."
Your Aunt is quick to raise her eyebrow "I gathered that your marriage had been consummated by now. Thoroughly."
"Y-yes, of course. But I...discovered...that there are other ways for a husband to please his wife...and I was wondering if...if I could…do those same things to please him."
Your aunt looks utterly puzzled for a long moment, and then, almost stunned, she says "Oh Seven Hells, child. You are telling me you never sucked your husband off?"
A few court ladies walking near turned their heads, going white as sheets, while you, on the contrary, take a nice purple shade.
"Oh, don't look at me like that, prissies. We all did it eventually." she dismisses them, waving a lazy hand, and looks back at you. "You should do it, if you wish. Men love it. Your uncle used to ask—"
"I don't want to hear that, auntie, I'm begging you." you say squinting your eyes.
"Listen to me, child. Men love to think they rule everything, everywhere. But it is not always like that. And if you want to rule your husband's heart, you must rule in his bed first."
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That evening, Aemond wanted nothing more than to lock himself in his room with his wife and forget all the hateful political talk he had had to endure at dinner.
You had not attended, and that had bothered him. Never would he have thought of marriage as anything more than a duty, yet there he was, wondering where you were, who you were with, and why you weren't in his rooms when he set foot in there.
"Where is my wife?" he asks the maid, and she keeps her eyes glued to the floor, saying "The princess spent the evening in the library, your Grace. She told me that she would be—"
"I am here," you say, appearing behind the young maid.
You see his chest sag as if a weight is leaving him, and he casts an icy glance at the poor maid "Out."
He is rarely kind to servants, but you can tell by his tense shoulders that something is wrong.
"Aemond, what is the matter?" you ask as soon as the door closes, walking up to him with a hand behind your back.
"Where were you? Why weren't you at dinner?"
"I was in the library."
"For four hours?"
"It was a tough read—"
He grabs your arm, gripping hour wrist harshly, and you flinch. "Aemond, I swear to you.” you say watching his eye on fire and a sneer twisting his mouth “You can ask Maester Mellos." 
Suddenly he lets you go, and looks down, closing his eye for a moment. But he doesn't apologize, he never does, and not because he is a Prince. It's just the way he is. He doesn't apologize, he doesn't say thank you, he doesn't say please.
"Aemond, what's going on?"
"I don't want to talk about it now. In fact, never. Not here."
You watch him carefully, and you nod as he moves to pour wine into a cup. You watch him gobble it up greedily, which is unlike him. So, you get close and move your hand from behind your back and say, "Anyway, I wasn't lying. I really spent four hours in the library...trying to decipher this."
You show him an old book, and the title catches his eye, cup held in midair. "Tales of the Dragonlords?" he asks frowning. "This is in High Valyrian."
"It is." you confirm as you move closer, and you steal his cup before saying, "Would you read it to me?" and you take a sip, of wine and courage.
He watches the liquid flow down your throat and then accepts the invitation, taking the book—the one he has read so many times he can recite it by heart. He opens it to the first page, but you say "No. Page 72."
There is a slight imperative tone in your tone of voice, and it thrills him, given how his eye glints under the candlelight. He drops it on the table, looking at you from head to toe, and says, "I'll read it to you later, sweet wife."
He steps closer but you back away saying, "Fine, then. I'll tell you what I understood so you can correct me or not." and at the same moment your own hands go up on your corset and you start pulling on the laces.
The gesture catches his eye like a moth to a flame and he stays silent as you pull all the laces and then slip off your dress, remaining in your underskirt. His gaze roams over you slowly, and with a soft smirk, he decides to play the game.
“Page 72, you said. How Dragonlords claimed Dragons.”
“Yes.”
"And why did it capture your interest? Do you wish to do it? Do you wish to claim a dragon?"
"I wish to conquer, not claim."
He comes closer and looks at you, breathing through his nose, restraining, always restraining, and then he's raising his hand to reach a lock of your hair falling on your shoulder, but you stop him, air as heavy as moss.
"The Valyrian sages say a dragonlord must surrender himself completely to the dragon. But it works both ways. The dragon must submit his will to their rider."
He looks at you without blinking, and you take his arms, guiding him closer until you turn and push him lightly on the bed. He sits and you slowly climb on his lap, knees caging his hips, heart is pounding in your throat like a hammer. You hear him taking a swift breath and pride pools in your bones because for once you have caught him off guard.
You can feel his crotch hardening by the moment, but the look on his face is not one of hunger or lust. It is pure and blessed devotion.
You wonder at the view, and your eyes roam on his face until...
"Can I take it off?"
There's no need to say what. His face goes hard as stone, eye looking away with discomfort, with shame.
"Please, Aemond." you whisper. "I want to see all of you. I want you to bare yourself to me as I did to you."
"It is not pleasant."
"I don't want pleasantness. I want you."
He stares at you for an eternal moment and then he caves.
A flash of sparkling blue catches you completely and you can do nothing but watch with lips parted, while he keeps his eye down.
You wrap an arm around his shoulders and lean your head against his to breathe one single word in his ear. "Gevie."
His arms are all around you, holding you so tight you might gasp for air. Instead you are smiling, breathing through his long silver hair. You are not sure if you aunt is right, if love is indeed a choice. You can't bring yourself to care because you are doing it already.
And then he's kissing you, seizing your tongue with his in a fierce consuming way. He slightly hikes up your hips, and his hand tries to slide between your legs, but you lace your fingers around his wrist, breaking the kiss with panted breath.
"No." you whisper, and he looks at you almost questioningly, mouth open and chest heaving.
"Lykirī."
His eye widens and you smile, secretly. "I know what it means now."
He smirks at this and does not miss the chance to be the ever diligent scholar. "But you said it wrong. The R is hard."
“Lykirī.” You say again, following his lesson, and in the same moment your hand leaves his wrist and goes down to his breeches. He dips his chin to look at it, at your hands unsure, and he too looks unsure.
“You don’t have to—“
“I want to.” You say, and your voice comes out firm and clear. “Please, Aemond. Let me…let me touch you.”
He realizes now that in all the times you have been lying together, you never managed to lay a hand on him. He likes to keep people at distance. Too many wrong hands have been on him. The Maesters’, inspecting, debating, healing without healing. That whore, taking what it was not hers to take, not yet.
But he wants you to touch him. He has dreamed of it, in any way a man could dream of a woman’s touch.
He looks at you for a moment, chest rising slowly, and then, without taking his eye off you, he pulls the laces of his breeches and guides your hand around his cock. You look down, exhaling a long breath at feeling his hard and hot flesh already pulsing.
He knows you don’t know how to do it, so his hands guide you at first, going slowly up and down, and the air comes out of his mouth slowly and labored. You look up at him, his eye is pitch black, lid growing heavy with pleasure, and your core clenches, desire pools in your belly and flows down.
He must hear the call of your body, because he releases your hand, still stroking him, and goes right between your legs. You gasp loudly, and he hums, delight dripping from his voice just as you are dripping on his fingers. He starts to pump his fingers and you can do nothing but moan, clutching his shoulders with your free hand, the other still around his cock, but the act is growing lazy, your mind can’t focus properly on what you are supposed to do.
“Listen.” he orders you, fingers moving faster and faster, and you do listen. Your soaked flesh coming undone at his scorching touch. “Who else has you like this?”
But this is a question he’s asking himself. Because no one else will ever have him bare like this.
“You. Just you.” you say hoarsely, eyes closing and hips rocking on their own accord.
“And who am I?” he whispers just as hoarsely, and yet his voice is like a whip on all your senses.
“My husband.” you cry, feeling the wave ready to drown you “Ñuha zaldrīzes.” My dragon.
You cannot care less about how you said it, because then your mouth falls open, nails digging into his shoulder while your trembling hips keep riding his fingers, clenching them like a vice.
Your head falls onward, leaning against his forehead, and you try to catch your breath. You watch his wet fingers go straight into his mouth while he looks at you, humming with pleasure. “You look so pretty like this.” he says with the ghost of a smile on his lips “I should fuck you in Throne Room with the whole court watching, so they know how pretty you are when you come for me.”
You laugh with your cheeks flushing, and he slides an arm around you, and you know he wants to pin you down on the bed and fuck you until you are muffling nonsense in the pillow. But this is not his game. This is yours, and even if you don’t know how to play, you will win.
“No.” you say, climbing down from his lap, and he looks at you with hunger and a tinge of thrilling curiosity. “It is my turn to claim.” You say with all the bravery you possess.
Not a moment later, you are going down on your knees.
Another small victory, because his eye widens as he had never done before, and you can see that this, the sight of you on your knees before him, is something he has been craving for, even dreamed of it.
His breathing is slow, and you are not even touching him.
You place yourself between his knees and you lean closer and closer, anxiety twisting your insides, but you want to do this. “Lykirī, nuha zaldrīzes. Surrender.” you take him into your hand, tugging slowly, and your lips linger on the tip, heart pounding in your ears and eyes fixed on him. “Lykirī.” You say one last time and then you are swallowing him.
He hisses loudly and his lips part, hands clutching the covers until his knuckles go white. He’s like burning metal inside your mouth—hot and hard. At first, you just taste him, running your tongue over the head, and he’s cursing under his breath. His hands twitch on the covers, restraining and restraining, but there’s no need. You take his hand while looking at him and you release it from your mouth to say “Teach me.”
It’s like you have just poured fire on more fire. His eye goes wild, he takes hold of your head and starts to guide you again, making your mouth engulf him once more and deep down to the base and then up to the tip again, filling the room with a wet gagging sound. You get the gist of what you’re supposed to do, so your head starts going up and down and up and down, and he actually moans for you, head falling back for just a moment before looking back, he can’t help but watch as you fiercely claim him.
You watch his chest heaving fast and your jaw is starting to hurt but you don't care, you are too absorbed by the view before you. You are too thrilled by the fact that, for once, you have made him speechless.
He's always so bold in the bedroom, so cruel in deciding when and how to give pleasure, and now he's utterly speechless. He can only curse without breath, and gasp and groan.
“Kelītīs.” he manages to say at one point, voice all husky and cracking. You don’t know that word, and you have no time to ask because in a blink, he’s slamming you onto the bed and he’s hiking up your skirt, but you get on your elbows pushing him on his back and climbing on him.
“I’m not done, valzȳrys.” you say feeling his hard length inflaming your core, so you lay your hips on it as firmly as possible. “I claimed, but I did not conquer.”
“You are fucking torturing me.” he points out, bucking against you.
“Conquests could last for centuries, dear husband. You above all should know that.”
“All I know now is that I need to fuck you.” he says placing both hands on the sheets to pull himself up.
“No, I will.” you promise, rocking your hips once more “This is my conquest, not yours.”
You keep rubbing your drenched core on his length until a sheen of sweat glistens on his forehead, and he's so hard he's leaking from the tip. "You are twisted, wife." he says with a dazed tone and you smile even if you can't take it anymore, but you rock some more, saying "I'm a quick study. And I'm learning from the best."
Finally, when you are so wet you are dripping on him, you raise just enough to slide his cock inside of you.
You gasp together and you brace on his shoulders to start moving. You both know you are not going to last long, so you start rocking your hips slowly, taking him to the hilt until you struggle for air.
“Move…” he orders but you just take the opposite road, slowing your hips in a delicious torturing way. “Do you know what else the Sages said? A rider must know their mount, feel their heat below them.”
But Aemond does not have a single drop of blood in his head right now to give you an answer, let alone play your game; he's just fire that burns and burns and burns and just like the Sages said, you can feel his heat, burning below and inside you. He grips your hips and starts to thrust inside you like the wild beast you are supposedly claiming, until you are moaning so loud your throat hurts.
“Yes—” he growls as you bounce on him “Just like that—you’re gripping me so well—fuck"
You both turn sloppy, a mess of sweaty limbs and teeth biting, clutching at each other with bruising grips, pulling at the roots of his hair when you’re about to fall from the highest sky.
"Come on, my sweet girl. Let go for me." he breathes into your mouth, forcing you to move even faster "Let go fro your dragon. Seal your conquest." And you do.
He follows right after, spilling inside while digging his teeth into your neck like fangs on a prey, muffling his loud groaning.
And you are smiling like a fool, a lovestruck fool, but most of all, a conqueror. 
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Thank you so much for reading!! 💞💞
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tinightmares · 2 years
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You better watch out,
You’ll definitely cry,
Run don’t pout,
I’m telling you why,
Santa Pat is coming to town…
and your chimney isn’t the only thing he’s trying to slide down.
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freememecomp · 2 years
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23victoria · 2 months
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Bottass Calendar or Bottass Naked?!
f1 grid x fem!reader
warnings: cussing, talks of naked bodies
authors note: i so wish it was christmas so this could fit the theme more but i still had so much fun writing this!! anon🤍 thank you so much for the request!!! any feedback is appreciated and please like, comment, and reblog!! hope you enjoy!! 🤍
want to be tagged in my works?! CLICK HERE!
1k celebration f1 masterlist
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Lewis
Y/N: opens the gift and sees Valtteri's naked calendar "Oh wow, this is amazing! He looks incredible in these pictures!"
Lewis: laughs "Maybe I'll make one just for you."
Y/N: "Omg, I would love that! Just make it funny."
Lewis: grinning "I'll make sure it's a masterpiece. Maybe I'll pose with Roscoe."
Y/N: "That sounds perfect! Can you imagine Roscoe in a tiny Santa hat?"
Lewis: "That would be hilarious. I'll get creative. Maybe some racing gear too."
Y/N: "I would fucking love that! I can't wait to see it!"
Max
Y/N: opens the gift and sees Valtteri's naked calendar "Oh wow, this is amazing! He looks incredible in these pictures!"
Max: frowns "I don't know if I feel happy about you liking another man being naked."
Y/N: teasingly "Don't worry, Max. You're still my favorite."
Max: sighs "I suppose it's just a calendar, but I might need to make my own to compete."
Y/N: laughs "You? Posing for a calendar? That would be something!"
Max: "Why not? I could show off my muscles. You'd like that, wouldn't you?"
Y/N: "I definitely wouldn't complain. It would be fun to see you out of your racing suit."
Max: smirking "Challenge accepted, then."
Charles
Y/N: opens the gift and sees Valtteri's naked calendar "Oh wow, this is amazing! He looks incredible in these pictures!"
Charles: smiles awkwardly "I guess it's... nice? But I'd prefer if you admired my photos instead."
Y/N: "Oh, Charles, you know I do!"
Charles: teasing "Maybe I should do a calendar too. What do you think?"
Y/N: "I'd be your biggest fan! You could do something artistic, like in the style of Monaco."
Charles: "With the beautiful scenery and classic cars? I like that idea."
Y/N: "And you in stylish outfits, of course. It would be perfect."
Charles: chuckling "You've got my creative juices flowing now."
Lando
Y/N: opens the gift and sees Valtteri's naked calendar "Oh wow, this is amazing! He looks incredible in these pictures!"
Lando: pouts playfully "No, you're only supposed to like me naked!"
Y/N: laughs "Lando, you're too funny."
Lando: "I'm serious! What if I made my own calendar? Would you like that better?"
Y/N: "Of course I would! You'd have to make it super goofy, though."
Lando: "Goofy? I can do that. Maybe some funny costumes and silly poses."
Y/N: "That sounds amazing. I'd love to see you having fun with it."
Lando: "Alright, challenge accepted. I'll make sure it's the best calendar ever."
Oscar
Y/N: opens the gift and sees Valtteri's naked calendar "Oh wow, this is amazing! He looks incredible in these pictures!"
Oscar: bursts out laughing "I can't believe you got that as a gift!"
Y/N: grinning "It's definitely a memorable present!"
Oscar: "I don't think I could ever pose like that. Too embarrassing."
Y/N: "I bet you'd look great, though. Maybe a tasteful one?"
Oscar: "Maybe if I had a few drinks first. But seriously, it's hilarious."
Y/N: "It is! Imagine if we all made one. It would be a hit."
Oscar: "That would be something. We'd have the best-selling calendar of all time."
Y/N: "With you in it, definitely!"
Carlos
Y/N: opens the gift and sees Valtteri's naked calendar "Oh wow, this is amazing! He looks incredible in these pictures!"
Carlos: smirking "I don't know if I should be happy or jealous."
Y/N: teasing "Why, Carlos? Feeling a bit competitive?"
Carlos: "Well, if you like those photos so much, maybe I should make my own calendar."
Y/N: "I'd love that! You could do something adventurous, like your travels."
Carlos: "With my car and some dramatic landscapes? That would be cool."
Y/N: "Yes! And some action shots. You'd look amazing."
Carlos: grinning "Alright, I'll think about it. You always have the best ideas."
Jenson
Y/N: opens the gift and sees Valtteri's naked calendar "Oh wow, this is amazing! He looks incredible in these pictures!"
Jenson: raises an eyebrow "Well, this is unexpected."
Y/N: laughs "It's quite a surprise, isn't it?"
Jenson: "I don't know if I should be amused or concerned."
Y/N: "Oh, Jenson, it's just for fun. You know you're my favorite."
Jenson: "Maybe I should make a comeback with a calendar of my own."
Y/N: "I'd love to see that. You could do something classy, like a vintage theme."
Jenson: "Vintage racing? That could be interesting. Alright, you've convinced me."
Sebastian
Y/N: opens the gift and sees Valtteri's naked calendar "Oh wow, this is amazing! He looks incredible in these pictures!"
Sebastian: chill "I like it. He looks good."
Y/N: "Really? You're not jealous?"
Sebastian: laughs "No, I'm secure enough to appreciate good photography."
Y/N: "You're the best, Seb. Always so supportive."
Sebastian: "Maybe I should make one too. Something environmentally themed."
Y/N: "That would be perfect! You could use it to raise awareness."
Sebastian: "Exactly. A fun project with a purpose. I'm in."
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© 23victoria 2023-24 I all rights reserved. do not republish, steal repost, modify, translate or claim my work as your own
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konigsblog · 9 months
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How does Farmer!König react if his twin toddler daughters give him toys like teddy bears for Christmas? They used their allowance to buy his presents, but does he love their gifts?
farmer!könig thinks it's hilarious and so sweet. his two, twin daughters, who are only in their toddler years, gifting their father a teddy bear. they're too young to understand that he probably doesn't want stuffed teddies, but regardless, könig chuckles and holds it, thanking his daughters gratefully and kissing their cheeks tenderly and lovingly.
you find it hilarious, when the same teddy is held between his large, burly arms, and he's fast asleep beside his daughters on the couch.
könig keeps it with him, rolling his eyes with a smirk stained on his face when you tease him for cuddling it. 🧸
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noisycowboyglitter · 2 months
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Top 10 Reasons to Love Grammy Bear: A Collector's Dream
Grammy Bear is a beloved character that embodies the warmth and comfort associated with grandmothers. This cuddly teddy bear is designed to evoke memories of cozy hugs, homemade cookies, and cherished family moments. Dressed in a floral apron and sporting a pair of reading glasses perched on its nose, Grammy Bear exudes a gentle, nurturing presence.
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Buy now:19.95$
The bear's soft, plush fur is perfect for snuggling, while its rounded belly and kind eyes invite children and adults alike to seek solace in its embrace. Grammy Bear often comes with accessories like a miniature recipe book or a tiny pair of knitting needles, reinforcing its grandmotherly persona.
More than just a toy, Grammy Bear serves as a comforting companion for those missing their own grandmothers or seeking a connection to family traditions. It's popular as a gift for new grandparents, a keepsake for grandchildren, or a nostalgic item for adults.
Grammy Bear also plays a role in intergenerational storytelling, encouraging the sharing of family histories and creating new memories. Its timeless appeal speaks to the enduring importance of grandparental love in our lives, making it a cherished addition to any family.
I'd be happy to elaborate on any aspect of Grammy Bear if you'd like more information.
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Buy now
Christmas gifts for bosses require thoughtful consideration, balancing professionalism with holiday cheer. Ideal options often include high-quality office accessories, such as a leather portfolio, a sleek pen set, or a stylish desk organizer. For the tech-savvy boss, consider a wireless charging pad or a smart notebook.
Gourmet food baskets or premium coffee and tea sets can be excellent choices, especially if you know your boss's tastes. A sophisticated business book or a subscription to a relevant industry magazine shows your support for their professional growth.
For a more personal touch, a customized item like a monogrammed business card holder or a framed motivational quote can be appropriate. If your workplace culture allows, a nice bottle of wine or spirits could be well-received.
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Buy now
Remember to keep the gift within a reasonable price range to avoid appearing inappropriate. It's often best to coordinate with colleagues for a group gift, which can allow for a nicer present while maintaining professional boundaries.
Funny Christmas gifts add a dash of humor to the holiday season, bringing laughter and joy to gift exchanges. These playful presents range from witty novelty items to clever gag gifts that poke fun at common holiday traditions.
Popular options include ugly Christmas sweaters with outrageous designs, humorous slogan t-shirts, or quirky ornaments featuring pop culture references. Practical jokes disguised as gifts, like prank gift boxes or silly gadgets with absurd functions, are also crowd-pleasers.
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For the food lover, consider unusual flavored candies or bizarre cooking utensils. Amusing books, such as adult coloring books with snarky themes or humorous "survival guides," make for entertaining gifts.
When choosing funny gifts, consider the recipient's sense of humor and ensure the joke won't offend. The best funny gifts strike a balance between being comical and still having some use or sentimental value.
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lace-coffin · 9 months
Note
Hello! Merry Christmas! I just read the post of Asa reacting to his victim being attracted to slashers and omg I loved it! You did amazing on it ^^
If your still taking requests I would love a post where the slashers reacting to their victim watching their movie and being attracted/lustful towards their character ^^ if it's okay with you :] thanks!
How would the Slashers react to their S/O being attracted to their movie? (Nsfw)
Slashers x gn!Reader
Requests are open!
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Thank you for the request! I’m super glad you liked my other fic 😭💕
Bubba Sawyer
You made a movie night of it, bubba hauling the outdated tv into your shared room for some privacy away from the family. She was nervous for you to see this, they already knew you were aware of the film but..to watch it together in person was so much more intimate. What if you thought he was a monster? What if you decided you didn’t mean all the “I love you’s” you’d whispered into the crook of their neck on comfy quiet nights?
After giving him some reassuring kisses over his mask and taking his bigger hand into yours, you begin the movie, bubba’s eyes fluttering nervously between yours and the screen the entire time.
She braces when the gorier parts happen, uncomfortable but excited in her own way to be this vulnerable with you. He cracks an eye open and forces himself to gauge your reaction, no matter how horrified it may be. You look..flustered? Face hot and tinted a deep shade of pink, hands noticeably clammy against bubba’s, legs drawn to yourself just subtly pressing together. Were you into this?
Just as the screaming girl is manhandled back into the sawyer house on screen you swear under your breath, almost jealous of the way your partner roughly grabs at her. “Fuck..so strong, you need to pick me up like that sometime” you drawl, poorly concealing your want as a half joke.
No time like the present you guess as bubba suddenly stands, height difference somehow even more evident when you’re wanting like this. A moment passes where you look each-other over, both red faced and panting. This is cut short as he grabs you around the waist, leaving no room to escape. You squeal in surprise but it quickly devolves into excited giggles, doing absolutely nothing to help the ache between your legs.
Bubba beams up at you as if they could do no wrong as they throw you into the bed, wrestling you into the position they want like a helpless doll.
An hour and multiple orgasms layer she’s still plowing into you with no sign of stopping, warm wet seed leaking from your abused hole. You never finished the movie.
Thomas Hewitt
Thomas has seen his movies a few times before, he doesn’t really feel one way or the other about them, just viewing it as a documentation of his life. Sometimes Hoyt will throw it on the tv on warm lazy evenings, beer in hand, ready to find himself hilarious for the 100th time. Thomas doesn’t quite understand why you and Hoyt like it so much but he doesn’t complain.
It’s happened the last few times you’ve seen it, even if it’s just playing as background noise. Seemingly unable to tear your eyes from the screen for over half the movie, especially during the bloodier parts involving your boyfriend, you suddenly leave the room in a hurry. Thomas had thought nothing of it the first few times, just guessing you couldn’t hold your beer or something but sure enough it happens again this evening and he can’t bear the curiosity any longer. Thomas waits a few minutes as to not raise suspicion before following you the way you came.
What he finds does not disappoint. Backed against the bathroom wall your hand is clasped over your mouth tight, fingers working desperately under your half tugged down jeans to relieve yourself. This entire time you’d been turned on by it? By him slaughtering people? The thought of you wanting him so carnally stirs deep in his abdomen.
“I’m sorry Tommy it’s just, the way you take what you want and, and hold them down when they’re pleading..fuck, it does something to me”
The look of shock plastered against Tommy’s raised brows quickly transforms into a look of smugness. Your jeans are tugged down around your ankles uncaringly before you can continue to explain. Just enough room to Thomas to take what he wants, what you need. His hot mouth works over you roughly, not caring about technique as much as just having you in his mouth, claiming you, feeling all he can. You tug his hair into a death grip the closer you get to the edge, making Tommy groan in response and double his efforts. The orgasm hits you like a train, it’s sudden and rough and filthy, you wouldn’t have it any other way. Tommy removes himself from you finally, lips swollen and spit slick, dopey fucked out look on his face.
Asa Emory
It’s almost like a sick treat, this predicament you’ve found yourself in more than once, and probably will again in the future. Having a cushy spot in the collection as Asa’s favourite pet definitely has its perks, but in return you must admit you tend to get a little sloppy, bratty even. Getting too confident in your place and pushing your masters will. Obviously Asa doesn’t stand for this. This is how you find yourself placed in his lap on the black leather sofa, wrists cuffed together in front of you and legs spread either side of his.
In times like these Asa likes to show you what happens if you don’t behave, if you aren’t his beloved pet, If you’re a dazed fly caught in his web with no sign of escape.
The movie starts of slowly, you’re still a bit red faced from being cuffed down but relatively calm in your place on his thighs, finding it kind of cute seeing Asa in his exterminator gear on the sleek tv. Asa only runs a stray hand over your thigh for now, running close to where your thigh meets hip and dipping back down. Not enough to do anything but enough to get the cogs turning in your head and enough to get your legs squirming.
Your owners hands delve down to the centre of your thighs as the movie picks up, Asa roughing up victims on screen with such measured precision it’s almost erotic on its own. The gloved hand running over your clothed need doesn’t help either.
Eventually the torture scenes begin, Asa finally tugging off your underwear and widening his thighs, by proxy widening yours bracketed around them. Lubed up fingers work their way into your aching hole, other hand under your chin, forcing you to look at the screen. “Look at that cricket, these people were ill mannered and got what was coming to them, we’d hate for that to happen to you, hm?” The parallel between the writhing groaning victims on screen and you also writhing and moaning in a lewd way makes you feel disgusting in the best way possible. The only difference is you’re a willing victim.
You choke out a particularly loud moan as his long fingers hit a sensitive spot, wrenching your eyes shut in process. “I said look you stupid mutt.” Asa snaps, tugging your head back towards the screen. “I know you love it when I play in your guts but let’s hope you regain your manners so I don’t have to do it that way, yes?” He says coolly as a man is being disembowelled, slightly amused at the gore in-front of him.
The gore used to make you feel strange, not able to completely connect to it as it always seemed unreal through the tv, but it made you feel like you were prying, seeing people’s most hopeless and intimate last moments. It felt almost perverse to see this desperate side to someone at the hands of an uncaring god. After multiple occasions of viewing it and heavy petting from Sir during you’ve started to associate the sick acts on screen with pleasure at the hands of your master. Simultaneously causing pain to others and vile pleasure to you at the same time.
Asa edges you a few times during the more violent moments, waiting for the grand finale to let you finish, he revels in the way you moan for him, squirming and trying to get more whilst only being permitted what he gives you. It’s ironic how greedy you are for his touch while being shown on screen what happens when you try push him further then you should but he can’t help finding it endearing on you.
By the time the credits have rolled you’ve finally been allowed to cum once, and again, and again. Until your legs are shaking, trying to force themselves closed around your masters spread ones for some reprieve from the onslaught of overstimulation. “Didn’t that feel good? You see where being a well trained dog gets you?” Asa chuckles darkly into your ear before landing one last slap onto your abused hole. “Let’s keep it that way cricket.”
Billy lenz
You share the old mattress on the attic floor together, head laid on Billy’s lap. The picture on the tv in front of you isn’t amazing but it’ll do. You’ve seen black Christmas a few times so it’s not like it matters if you miss a few details, just happy to see your partner on screen and be sharing quality time together.
Usually with Billy’s attention span he ends up skipping over the bits that don’t include him much, complaining about the “pig bitches” on screen being boring. You’re not sure if he does this because he’s genuinely bored or if he just wants to skip to the parts that make you flustered. Occasionally you make it through the whole thing but it’s a rare occurrence.
As soon as your lover on screen starts spewing filth over the old rotary phone it’s over. Usually Billy would all but jump your bones, not now though. He loves to see the way you try act coy, like the disgusting words being thrown down the phone don’t bother you at all, in reality a familiar feeling is stirring between your thighs and Billy knows it.
One hushed low moan and a needy look is all it takes for Billy to pounce on you. You giggle and palm him over his trousers, trying to get him as riled up as you can before actually initiating anything. It works because in moments he’s grabbing your hair with force and pushing your face into his clothed cock. “Hurry up piggy, too.. too slow..teasing slut, need you on my cock”
Now settled with your head back in his lap and cock down your throat, you continue the movie, warming his needy cock as you watch the brutality on screen. It never fails to amuse you how Billy’s cock twitches in the murder scenes.
Jason Vorehees
Jason isn’t shy about his movies, he’s done those things on screen before and an uncountable amount of times offscreen too. To be honest there’s so many of the movies he doesn’t always remeber the plot of each despite literally being in them. He does however remember that the movie usually ends with his cock buried in you.
Jason doesn’t really understand why you find his acts of violence so impressive but, he’s not complaining. He can admit he looks pretty broad and strong in some scenes.
Since the movie marathons usually end the way they do it means Jason is already wound up before the tape has been pushed into the player. Dark mottled skin beneath his mask flushing even deeper. You both ignore the tent in his torn trousers for now, not wanting to ruin the illusion that you both don’t already know what’s going to go down.
After a grotesque on screen death Jason is guiding your hand to his wet clothed cock, head tilted down in embarrassment, his good eye wrenched shut in shame. This shame seems to melt away later on in the evening as you have two fingers slipped into your boyfriend’s desperate hole, fucking into his prostate with fervour. Jason almost seems like another person as he’s riding your hand greedily.
The credits roll but the movie had been long abandoned anyway, you have more pressing things to concentrate on. Like the way your lovers cock jumps and pulses, cum staining his shirt and dribbling down to mix with the lube between his legs.
Brahms Heelshire
Brahms isn’t a massive fan of watching his movie, the scenes in it bringing back the painful memories way too vividly for him to handle. He will however watch it if you beg him enough, promising to skip the uncomfortable scenes and only watch the ones he doesn’t mind, and also the fact you bribe him with a mid-movie handjob also helps.
It’s really a battle of self control for Brahms, already pawing at you before the movie title even pops up, he’s here for one thing. Well two things, he loves spending time with his lovely partner, but right now it seems his brain is being controlled by his cock. You can tell him no and bat him away a few times, the dominance in your voice will only go straight to his dick anyway, kind of defeating the object but he’s not objecting by any means.
The push and pull of desperation and dominance eventually gets to much for Brahms, resigning to begging. “Please mommy/daddy/master I’ve been so good, did what you said, please, need it”
Tell Brahms how good he’s been for you whilst teasing his leaky tip, circling your thumb over his slit and hearing the pathetic whines he lets out. If you’re feeling really mean you can edge him during the duration of the movie, telling him to look at how bad he’s been on screen, like a dog who needs a muzzle. Your poor partners brain is essentially mush by the end of it, hazy and exhausted from reaching the edge so many times but being denied, a soft slap to the cock if he complains.
Michael Myers
Michael doesn’t understand the need to watch his movies, he was there and committed the atrocities on the tv, why does he need to see it again? He’s not against it though, by that I mean he won’t leave the room if you start playing it and he happens to be on one of the sofas. But he doesn’t really interact.
His attention never stays on the tv long, mostly trained on you and your reactions. It would probably be unnerving to most to have this prolific killer staring them down unblinkingly from across the room, but that’s just Michael. If anything it worries you more when you can’t feel his gaze burning into your back, almost strangely comforted by knowing he’s near.
You make a show of paying extra attention to his kills, pointedly commenting about how powerful and sexy he looks covered in blood like that. Michael knows you do it on purpose but he can’t deny it defiantly works to excite him, he’s not been used to a lot of praise in his life so he supposes it makes sense in some way that it would have that effect on him.
Despite what you may think Michael does have a decent amount of self control when it comes to you, he definitely does if it means he gets to watch you torture yourself by not touching, just rearranging your legs over and over in an attempt to relieve the pressure. Michael sees all the desperate looks he pretends not to notice.
Eventually he tires of playing his part as the none the wiser partner and stands from the sofa, briskly crossing the living room and slinging you over his shoulder. If you want to get fucked by Michael Myers then why wait? He makes a point of turning the tv off and grabbing his knife on the way upstairs.
The movie was dull to Michael but the way he’s bullying his cock into you definitely isn’t. The way you gasp and hiccup against him as he holds his signature knife to your throat is burned in his memory. Michael wouldn’t actually hurt you with it but if you happen to catch yourself a little he’s more than happy to lap it up from your neck as he fucks into you.
Yautja (female and male)
Female
Her movies are always a hit when she’s nesting, you spend hours cuddled up in the warm furs along side each-other anyway so you might as well revisit some old favourites whilst you do. Your mate is insatiable during mating season, never straying far from the nest nor your flushed body.
She adores the way your body reacts to the tv version of her, easily sensing the way your heart rate picks up when she thunderously bellows in pride after a kill. It’s also obvious in the way you can’t keep your hands off her during these scenes, you can’t believe the beast that’s all muscle, dominance and sex appeal on the tv is your girlfriend. The same girlfriend who lets you gently trace her mandibles and pet her dreads.
During this season she needs no excuse to fuck you into the furs anyway so it never lasts long before she’s pinning you to the nest floor. Her hips rutt into you with a primal want, the need to mark and breed, she knows she can’t actually put a pup in you but god is she going to try. It can go on like this until the movie is long over, more concerned in sliding against eachother as hard as you can until you’re both completely fucked out. She’s not satisfied until you’ve cum multiple times and are littered in bruises and bites from her sharpe mandibles.
Once she’s happy with the wreck she’s turned you into she’ll pull you close against her warm scaly skin, purring and clicking into your sweaty tired skin.
Male
Mating season hits and it’s it’s anyone guess what will set your mate off, something as simple as looking cute whilst cooking or admiring the skulls he presented to you can be enough to have your bent over and panting.
Today it’s watching his movie that does it for him, you only commented in passing how handsome and capable he looked taking down multiple trained specialists like it was nothing. You saw the effect it had on him and giggled mischievously, knowing how he gets this time of year. Your laugh must have translated to a challenge to him because it only takes a matter of seconds for him to slam you into the floor, snarling in your face, mandibles flared.
Your mate shows you who’s in charge by grabbing your hair in a death grip, forcing you to watch him kill on screen as he slams into you, bottoming out each time. You swear you can feel him in your stomach, trying his hardest to fuck all you can take into your stretched, lewdly squelching hole.
He demands you watch and tell him how much of a good mate he is as he finally pops his knot into you, stuffing you full and binding you together until you take all his cum, until his body decides he’s breed you thoroughly enough to make his seed take.
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moodyvikingjokes · 9 months
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part-time-zombie · 9 months
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As hilarious as the bitch slap itself was, let us not neglect all that came immediately after it because there's so much to discuss
Virgil saying "it really is Christmas!" in response to the slap
Patton being too focused on his present to be upset about it
Remus watching the scene unfold with barely contained glee
When roman accused janus of being rude for the whole episode (mostly he was just drunk), logan agreed that "he didn't even share the mulled wine"
Janus actually admitted that he was out of line
Patton said being "catty" is virgils thing, and virgil acknowledged that it was about him hissing like a cat
Janus not actually being too offended by the slap at all
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magnoliaspringdesign · 10 months
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https://www.teepublic.com/user/magnolia-spring-design
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