Tears too holy for thou
Lucifer ---> Mammon - Leviathan - Satan - Asmodeus - Beelzebub - Belphegor
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He was so frustrated, why was he always getting blamed for everything that happened in this damn house! First Levi looses one of his mangas and snitches on lucifer when it was under his sheets the entire time, then someone eats the lunch he had made for you and himself, now hes being accused of stealing money from someone when he was just trying to get something from the other room! He is entirely sick of it! Why was he the only one that gets yelled at when he falls into his sin when everyone else gets away with falling for theirs?!
Storming into his room, he didn't realize the tears streaming down his cheeks while he just wanted to scream. He didn't know what to do once inside his room, just standing there while he simmered in his own anger. You were waiting on his sofa for him to continue movie night when he stormed in, expecting a happy mammon with snacks, not a mammon with burns all down his face.
It didn't take long before you came over to him, being careful around him as you didn't know what exactly happened for him to be pushed into this state. "Mammon? Are you alri-" You couldn't even finish your sentence when he grabbed you and held you close to his body, letting out silence sobs into your neck while his face ached and burned, his tears feeling funny against your skin. ".... 's not fair...." It was then when you got a basic idea of what had just went down.
You both moved this to the bed, him hiding his face against your chest while he basically coiled his arms around your waist, legs entangled with eachother while your fingers played with his hair. You didn't push him to explain what had went down with his family and you could tell he appreciated it, having someone to just lay with him instead of pushing him to talk was something he needed right now.
After maybe an hour or so just laying with eachother, he could feel your hand carefully cupping his cheek, whincing slightly as your thumb gently ran over the sensitive skin. "Mammon.... oh, your poor cheeks" He could see the worry in your face as your eyes locked onto the sensitive skin of his cheeks, glued to the red, angry marks that burnt away at his skin.
He didn't respond, instead, taking your wrist in his hand and pulling it away from his face, interlocking your fingers before kissing your knuckles. "Don't worry about it, 's nothing the great mammon can't get over", his comment making you chuckle slightly, smiling himself as your voice sounded like music to him.
When tears are too holy for thou, its nice to have someone who will just hold you, letting you know they care through actions instead of words.
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Haha, fingers go brrrrr
Im really not good at adding speach into fics, bro you do you do it.
This fic is based off of my headcannon that angels have holy water tears and fallen angels keep that gift when they fall, their tears burning their skin and eyes whenever they cry.
Close to midnight, its and im still stalling my college work lmao. Please mind the spelling and grammer
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wait curious about your thoughts on this. i genuinely dont believe the paul john reconciliation thing that paul pushes in every interview (abt the bread phone call etc) like im sure they had that conversation and maybe that was a nice memory but theres a paul late november 1980 interview (good morning america i think?) where the interviewer is like “john said you died creatively etc” and then paul gets very awkward and said he just keeps quiet publicly or else john will get resentful and that he doesnt know why john does that. its literally like two weeks before john died idk im like a mclennon ended on bad terms truther and i genuinely believe pauls batshit behavior the last 40 years is the result of him feeling bad about everything
I think I'm at a bit of a middle road with it! because there's certainly that (although what john actually said in that interview was meant differently and seemingly misconstrued to paul to try and start drama, although it sadly says a lot that paul sort of just expected that sort of thing by that point) & I do think that their relationship by 1980 was a lot more complicated than paul has wanted to talk about (for good reason). I wanna say there's a few interviews where he even says that, like it was difficult to come to terms with his feelings on everything with john bc suddenly he was Dead you know?
but I do think them reconciling and being friends again wouldn't necessarily negate that. there was a lot of baggage between them at that point & it would be very easy for the two of them to be Wary of each other even if they WERE on good terms and calling more often. which would just make paul's reaction to "john said you died creatively" even more of a blow for him like "what the hell, we're on good terms now, why is he STILL saying this shit?" and given that it was misconstrued and I wanna say not even a PUBLISHED interview yet, he really had nothing to go on except being ambushed by that question
plus there's the fact that they apparently had a recording studio booked for '81 and john was set to come back to england to record with him. and ofc (just like) starting over in general, though that depends on how much you believe that was for paul
honestly I think john died while they were on confusing terms. not really a Great place but also not on bad terms either. sort of a "yeah okay, we've made up, we're trying, maybe we'll get together and record, now what?" sort of place. especially given a lot anecdotes that yoko was fielding calls from paul & requests to come see john. I think they both Wanted to make up, but life was in the way. so they got phone calls about bread. but paul was obviously still wary and hurt/confused by john's back and forth behavior. I think there's some other quote somewhere from paul about how he never knew what he'd be picking the phone up to. on john's end, he probably WAS hopeful and fully intent on recording with him in the next year and, ya know, starting over. for paul, he probably didn't know if he could hold him to that or even hold him to being nice the next time they talked.
but ya know, 40+ years down the line, it's probably a bit easier to cling onto the good moments and not the confusion around where they stood at the end. lots of time for reflection on how john must have been feeling & coming to the conclusion that they WERE on track to being okay again. I think at the Time paul was probably just rightfully very cautious & that had to be a weird feeling to deal with after any future plans were killed with john
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kinda thinking about how the women who serve as maternal figures/raise kids in yyh are never quite ready for it. genkai's an arguable exception, but like.. atsuko had yusuke at 15, shizuru's basically in charge of kazuma full time in her early 20s/late teens (depending on version) with very very absent parents, and even shiori is given a kid she wasn't expecting, in the form of an old, old demon rather than like. a regular, blank slate ass human baby. and although shiori seems to do quite well with kurama, kurama can never be honest with shiori about who he is, or much of what he's seen. if he was, it'd probably make things far more complicated and overwhelming. atsuko, no matter how much she cares for yusuke, Could Not Have Been and thus wasn't ready to have him at 15. her attempts to make the most of that situation have had middling success at best. shizuru has also been placed into a parental role. we don't really know how long she's been raising kuwabara, but that's.. probably still parentification anyway. she shouldn't have to do that, and she shouldn't have to do that so young. and i think some of her coarseness with kuwa is out of frustration with her own inexperience + inadequacy + uncertainty, his not cooperating, and their parents for putting this on her in the first place. the ones who know the full extent of their situation grow desperate and it squeaks out in unpleasant ways, and the one who seems unbothered by it is the only one who has no idea that she's in way over her head. and i mean. ok. gonna preface this by saying keiko is NOT yusuke's mom in any sense of the word. but she does take care of him in a way atsuko couldn't manage to. she's often looking after him and cleaning up after his messes and stuff. she takes him on as a responsibility, and that is, in a way, a caretaker role. not to say that it SHOULD be her responsibility, but it's how she ends up being.
and when the stress of trying to make someone take care of themselves or be kind or good or Whatever goes awry, again, the violence and arguing and distance and ugliness of caring for someone reveals itself.
and i wonder about that. for a series dedicated to physical fighting as a form of communication, what does it say that this extends to the complicated, quietly desperate situations of so many of the women/girls it depicts, whom our more central characters were shaped and raised by?
hell, even hiei touches on this, because hina loved hiei, but there was no way she was prepared for him, obviously, nor for the pain of losing him. rui (whom i also see as a sort of caretaker figure to hiei, inasmuch as either of them were caretakers) literally throws him off a cliff because she couldn't face down the village elders, and out of some mixture of care for hina and, likely, fear for her own survival. and the guilt and pain of that killed hina and deeply wounded rui.
it's like motherhood, this thing that's so often treated as sacred and beautiful, is a kind of stitched up, painful, eggshell-walking thing that hurts parent and child and it's just. oughh
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I finished the first svsss book! my thoughts:
this book immediately latched its hooks into my brain the same way the untamed did. what the fuck. how did it hook me so quickly. I liked the mdzs novels and the tgcf donghua, but svsss and the untamed fucking did something to my brain chemistry
I am such an enormous sucker for Narrative Is Alive stories, especially when both the character and narrative are aware of each other and can interact. Every interaction between SQQ and the System was a delight
Spoiler-y thoughts under the cut
having absorbed most of my knowledge of this series from the fanart put on my dash, I was surprised by SQQ's kindness. I expected him to be a hater (which he is) and kind of detached (which he is, but for dissociating reasons) but his kindness is surprisingly earnest. Sure he tries to couch it in self saving (haha) reasons since he wants to avoid original!SQQ's fate, but he does genuinely seem to care for his disciples quite a bit
speaking of him genuinely caring and the dissociating, HOO BOY. THE GRIEF HUH? "why do my disciples keep claiming I'm out of my mind with grief, I'm feeling and acting perfectly normal" <- says the guy whose days have passed in a haze since he was forced to throw someone very dear to him into an abyss, who has periodically forgotten he's gone and called out to him, who has sat at his grave and mourned. Jesus christ dude. I know the heartbreak points are for Binghe but they are also for me
I was somewhat prepared for Binghe's puppyboy devotion by the fanart, but oh my god this dude has some self worth issues. The guy who has been abusing him suddenly changes his tune and is nice to him, and he's immediately in malewife mode like omg shizun can I cook for you 🥺 shizun can I attend to your every need 🥺 shizun I feel so safe around you 🥺 Binghe babygirl you have serious problems
I was so delighted to meet Shang Qinghua, he's honestly the character I wanted to meet the most and he did not disappoint. what the hell do you mean he transmigrated into an infant
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(i haven't read Whole Cake in a while, and i never really watched it, so bear with me)
I'd love to write a fic with Usopp on Whole Cake. it'd be sooo fucking long and i'd need to refresh myself on the entire arc, but god i'd probably be so satisfied when it's done. specifically for having brought a single moment in my head to life, but we'll get to that.
On Zou, he insists to be taken along on the Sanji rescue team and has worked himself up with a whole bunch of very good reasons as to why he should go there instead of helping in Wano, but of course Luffy just immediately accepts with a "yeah sure"
With Whole Cake, I think he'd be flipping between having fun as part of the idiot trio/quartet (Luffy, Chopper, Carrot), and being terrified with Nami. There wouldn't be that many differences in the arc as a whole, though; some things would be easier/better and some things would be worse- I don't necessarily think Usopp's presence would be overall an advantage or disadvantage, just different. Like, major events would stay mostly the same, but little details would change and maybe those little details would build to a far more drastic change-
for example, maybe one of Big Mom's kids considers themself a great sniper and wants a match with Usopp, or is motivated to work harder because Usopp is around and they want to take him out and boast about it. Maybe it means Sunny takes more damage than canon, or maybe Usopp's help means less damage to Sunny. (idk if i'd really do smth like this, but it's just an example)
skjdhf fuck i'm really not equipped to try and figure this out when i don't remember shit from Whole Cake aaaa
I do know that, despite his penchant for talking and rambling, I'd probably have Usopp be dead silent after his initial shock when Sanji fights Luffy. Everything about that is the same, except Usopp is just watching Sanji the whole time- not panicking, not moving, and not speaking. He doesn't say a word the entire time, doesn't even make a sound, and that, along with Luffy's words and Nami's begging, stick with Sanji.
(Usopp is thinking of his own fight with Luffy in Water 7, he's partially wondering if this was what it was like- if it was this painful to watch from the sidelines- and partially knowing he doesn't have to say a word, because he knew, like he knew back then, that it didn't matter what was said. It wasn't quite the same, but he could tell in the way Sanji moved, in the way he spoke and held himself, that he was putting on a front, trying to be brave in all the wrong ways. Usopp didn't say a word to Sanji because there was nothing he could say that Sanji himself didn't already know. Should've known. And his quiet, direct stare, was more than enough.)
the singular moment i really wanna write, is a scene where Sanji is apologizing for dragging them into his mess- either during the big meeting in Bege's castle or some other time- and Usopp's like "I'll do what you can't, you do what I can't, right?" and Sanji pauses, a little confused, until he remembers Enies Lobby and a stupid mask and cape and-
and tears are gathering in his eyes now, fuck, but he laughs a little. It sounds wet and his face is itchy and they're surrounded by tentative allies, but he- he laughs again and he says, "Fuck, you remembered that?"
Usopp shrugs, a little smile on his face. "They were some wise words from a wise man."
Sanji laughs a third time. "You think I'm wise?"
And they banter a little more before Bege tells them to quit it since they're on a time constraint or something. Quietly, Usopp will ask, "It-it helps. On bad days. And I figured, 'what's a worse day than this?' Ah, not that you getting married would ever be bad per se-"
"Usopp," Sanji says, looking more relaxed and settled. He smiles fondly and grabs his friend in a one armed hug, crushing him to his side. "Thanks."
And yeah, don't remember much beyond that, except the whole "hiding and then busting out of the cake" bit, which would mean Usopp in a cute little tuxedo or smth- maybe with a fedora aaaaaa <- loves fedoras- helping out with the fighting and eventually sailing with everyone to Wano.
He would be so distressed about fixing up Sunny now that the whole thing with Whole Cake is over. Maybe there'd be a gag about him promising Franky to take good care of Sunny while they were gone and being confident, after being Franky's tinkering partner and learning from him over time, that he could handle minor repair work much better than he did the first time around with Merry. And so when he finally takes in all the very-not-minor repairs he has to do, he's certain Franky is gonna strangle him for not keeping his promise. Probably also try to write in some nostalgic 'repairman Usopp' vibes from pre-Water 7.
Also something something, Sanji, wanting to do more for the crew bc he still feels guilty about Whole Cake, decides to take it upon himself to help Usopp not fall into a whole anxiety spiral about the ship. In turn, Usopp ends up helping Sanji not feel so guilty- usually by handing his own words back to him on a silver platter. And, yknow, having the two of them bonding and being buddies again like they so rarely get to be in canon nowadays qwq
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