#Helped a lot in actually accepting myself yknow.

[anothermonikan]

Everyone in objectum tags asking whether they count under objectum or not, I have your answers: Objectum, like many other things, is a self-defined label and if you feel your attraction is objectum then you can call it such, you do not need validation (or non-validation) from Internet strangers

[mypeggableromance]

.

[snekdood]

bitches prolly out here psychoanalyzing my old art on behalf of my abuser to cushion their belief that im a Horrible Person but then dont see the irony when I point out the shitty things my abuser has drawn and how I see it as clear evidence of their mindset and beliefs (of what's okay to do and how to treat people) descending and pairing that along with everything else they've done and it paints a clear picture of how this person got to the point of thinking it was okay to abuse me the way they did and then the people looking for reasons to hate me through my art will act like "they're just drawings !!!" about their art. which one is it. does someones art say something about them or not? or does it only say something about them if you hate them?

[pizzapizzadickz]

I feel a lil bit better today after getting some rest in. I always feel better when I can spend a day at home. I think tomorrow I'll wear my noise cancelling headphones or something so I can chill even more.

...funny how my way to chill is just trying to eliminate all external stimuli

(Pt 1 for description rant)

[mrghostrat]

i appreciate all the kindness for my uni rejection, and anyone going through the same thing should def read through my replies if they need similar comfort. there’s a lot of “ATAR isn’t everything!” comments tho, which made me realise i haven’t actually talked much about my goals, so i wanted to share a little context.

i’m 30 (on the 17th). i took a gap year after high school and i went to uni at 19. i even dropped out a semester before graduating to pursue the one thing that was making me happy (my first original comic) during a really bad depression (undiagnosed adhd burnout). i got the last units and graduated a year later, a bachelor of game design.

haven’t used my degree once. i went into comics and freelance rather than games. but i also loved that degree and would do it all again, it was absolutely worth it.

i’ve been freelance and self sufficient for 6-7 years, and it’s fun and i’m proud of the things i’ve made, but i’m so tired. i’m specifically tired of having to work 7 different angles to make up one sufficient salary, and even if it ends up being temporary, i’d give anything for a 9-5. have someone else in charge for once.

got to the end of my rope last year and sat down to figure out what i like and what i’m good at. a Life Plan, yknow. i’ve always had an interest in teaching, helping, connecting like that. figured out degrees and became really invested in this new trajectory i pictured my life going on. i was also tired of waiting, because every time i wanted to move back to the city from this tiny town we’re in, somethings come up or delayed it. so zita helped me figure out how we could get the ball rolling and break our lease 3 months early, so we could move back to melbourne and i could start my degree this year. we looked for (and found) an apartment specifically on the side of the city that would be closest to my campus.

i hope that gives a lil context as to why i’m so devastated right now. the last 5 months have been me revving up to start this new chapter at the end of feb and one little email said nah.

the degree i wanted to do was a double degree, secondary education (hons) and a BA of fine arts. i was equally excited for both, because i never got to do a lot of actual art learning in my last degree, and the BA would give me all of that— life drawing, sculpting, painting, wood/metal/jewellery working, digital, fuckin everything. but it was the less important of the pair, when it comes to getting myself a job as an art teacher, because i already have the art experience. it was just a fun bonus, and the education degree was the one i NEEDED.

in nov i had to travel to melbourne to present a portfolio and interview for the BA. they showed me around the studio too, and i fell a little bit in love. i got the acceptance email in december, but i still didn’t have an offer for the education degree. another reason why i’m so discombobulated— i technically have an invitation, but it’s for the less important degree that would just be a money sink. do i go to uni anyway?? or just ignore this invitation and move on?

my state recently made education/teaching degrees free as a way of encouraging more teacher jobs. i learnt about this after i decided i wanted to pursue teaching, so it was just a fun lil bonus that i wouldn’t be adding to my student debt. apparently not, bc i didn’t think about how every teenager and their dog would apply for teaching degrees so they could get straight into uni without any debt. so, even tho i’m a graduate and i’m not relying on school scores, i was one in a million, likely just numbers on a page, and didn’t get in.

there could be other paths. i could start the BA and add the Edu degree later? i could reapply for mid year intake. i could… idk, most of what i could do requires emailing Monash and asking wtf, because i have no idea what’s actually possible and will need someone to lay it out for me.

still feels like i’ve run into a brick wall though. little bit shut down. more sad, not quite angry, but suddenly really spiteful for some reason— like “oh, you don’t want me? okay fuck you then, i won’t ever teach.” so stupid. just a bit fragile rn

[ihhfhonao3]

you know, i think you're pretty based honestly

every so often i see posts made by proshippers (not that often cause i dont purposefully go out and look at ship discourse) and find myself agreeing with a lot of it. seems to just be anti harassment and anti censorship at its core (unlike what ive been told) which i can absolutely get behind. i think maybe i should look into that

I’m not gonna tell you what you should and shouldn’t identify as, but I will say that the proship community has been extremely helpful to me. Basically, I used to identify as an anti, condemning people for making “icky” things I didn’t like. But I eventually caught myself justifying things that just weren’t right- I convinced myself that genuine threats of violence against people who really were just having fun was okay. And I stepped back and realized that wait, that actually isn’t a cool thing to be okay with. I should actively vouch against it, actually.

Skipping over the research period, asking active proshippers what the label meant to them and realizing that my definition was incorrect and stuff like that, I started using the proship label and became active in the community. And I realized that it was really the community that I’d rather be in- one that was based around kindness and freedom to do as you please instead of hate and strict rules.

I definitely recommend that people do look deeper into what being a proshipper actually means, rather than just parroting the idea that they’ve been spreading for years on end. Just in general, I think it’s very important to consistently ask yourself why you believe in certain stances- why you think this is good and this is bad, this is moral and this is not. Because even though the answer may seem incredibly obvious, blindly supporting and blindly being against something, without any real idea of why you support or against said something, is a very unwise thing to do and is one of the ways that people get pulled into these (oftentimes bigoted) echo chambers of concepts without realizing it.

I think it’s good that you’re rethinking some of the things you’ve been told! I feel that too many people nowadays, online and just in general, are very stubborn and afraid of change. Nobody really ever likes to be wrong about something. But everyone is gonna be wrong about something eventually. What matters is how we react to our being wrong- whether we accept it with grace and try to change from it, or double down and deny everything.

I’d much rather be with the people who own it and change accordingly, yknow?

[circuscountdowns]

Hi! Wanted to start off by saying that I LOVE your cotl art its such a huge inspiration to me :D! I recently picked up drawing again and I've unfortunately been upset? envious?! of others' skills and just wanted to ask if you ever experienced this as a fellow artist and if so how do you not do that lol. Sorry for the weird question. I just thought some insight and advice from a fellow artist could helo. BUT I hope you still have a nice day and look forward to any more cotl art or anything you draw really :D!!! (also is okay if you don't answer it is a loaded question I just be in a silly goofy mood lately okay bye!)

oh wow being on the receiving end of a question like this is surreal, I’m honored my work inspires you! Thank u, you’re sweet, it’s not a loaded question at all! Here’s my long reply sorry

so unfortunately that comparing yourself to others thing doesn’t go away ever asdfgjkl. I suffer it every day, it sucks, feels bad. I’ve had industry people tell me they feel this way and they’ll have some of the most gorgeous visdev/boards/animation I’ve ever seen. Disheartening to hear, But! I’m a big believer that comparing your artworks with others is best used as a tool and not a punishment to yourself!

When looking at art you like, try to turn thoughts of, ��Man I wish my stuff looked like that, my shit sucks,” to, “What is it that I like about this piece? The line art? The perspective?” Sometimes I’ll see work with thin line art and I’ll get an itch, and I’ll draw something with thin line art. It’s a conscious effort of keepin emotion out of that itch, keeping it as, “I saw art with thin lines, I want to do that. Yay I did that!” Compartmentalize it, the itch was simply to do thin line work, not to remake the piece you were inspired by. And you got a piece of art out of it, and a single piece is progress no matter how small!

If you want to compare, do it methodically! Why does my work look different (never use the words better or worse)! Oh, I see my piece doesn’t follow the rule of thirds, so the framing is different, I’ll be aware of that next time if it bothers me. Or, Oh I see they shade by hatching along with the form, I’ve just been going horizontally, I’ll try that other way!

it’s a learning curve of training yourself, like all corrective behavior.

like, I kinda have the warning feeling of dread when I’m about to compare my work with something, so before the self-deprecating thought can even start I have to think What do I Like about this?

I’m no expert at it, though. Actually getting myself to think this way is a struggle, but I find when I make Thoughtful Observations I level up. Not by a lot most times, but yknow.

and this part is just my personal experience:

Fanart and the internet can be the biggest Art skill killer sometimes. Get offline and cater to the audience that Really matters to your passion: You! I improved the most by spending 2-3 years doing doodles/comics/models for my dnd campaign ocs because I was that obsessed and I simply wanted to have it for me!

and after all that, then there’s the hardest skill of just accepting your work as is.

like, to me, my work is just scribbles. I see other artists’ stuff and go “Man they’re so good at comics and colors, man, why can’t I color?” But do I need to??? I don’t like coloring, do I need to be good at it? This isn’t a career, this is supposed to be fun! I scribble because I like it! I’m glad this persons good at coloring, I don’t need to be! Yay!

if I Want to be good at it, I’ll take the steps to get there! But if not, my scribbles are just fine :) I love black and white and values

I’ve been having that one on repeat for a while. It helps

(acceptance and denial go hand in hand btw lol they sound the same)

I wish there was a little off button for envy, but ah well! I hope that you take comfort in knowing we are all feeling it, and find joy in even the smallest little doodle you make! Have fun stay goofy!

[megumi-fm]

18 day habit tracker

since the year started, days are passing by and sure I'm doing alright and getting stuff done but lately it just. feels like I'm whiling away a lot of my time which which I could spend learning or doing a lot of things that I've kept shelved for years. I want to make better use of my days and I want to understand how to kind of... develop the intrinsic motivation to improve my productivity. additionally, I also need to do things to take better care of my help given the harsh weather and my ankle (im)mobility.

so I've decided to spend the next 18days trying to be more conscious of how I'm spending my time and also trying to push myself little by little. in this eighteen days I want to figure out what my limits are (vs what I think my limits are) and I also want to understand how to stay consistent and maintain the momentum I need to keep going. eighteen seems like a small enough number to start with; from some surface web scouring it seems like 18days is the minimum number of time it takes to develop a habit. and coincidentally enough it's my birthday in exactly 18days so it seems like a good place to start

to track

🥛 water intake ⏰ hours of sleep +sleep and wake times 📵 phone usage 🍉 fruit intake +the kind of food I'm eating in gen 📖 reading

---

personal goals

🧮 relearning math my relationship with mathematics has been quite messy since junior college and it has only worsened through the past four years of engineering(with the introduction of multivariate calculus and Laplace transforms and whatnot)... it feels kind of late and embarrassing to start now but I really want to understand math better and enjoy doing it and now is a good time to face my fear/discomfort and start over at the very basics. I'm gonna start with precalculus and linear algebra

💃 dancing I used to dance all the time as a kid and then... i don't know what happened... as a lover of kpop choreographies it's heartbreaking to realize I haven't learnt nearly as many dances as I'd have liked to. The year started off pretty strong but then my ankle got in the way and... yeah... I want to get back into dancing both as a means to improve my mobility and as a means of exercise, and also because I enjoy dancing in gen... and four to five days seems like good enough time to learn a single dance so i hope to learn the choreography of atleast 3-4 dances in these 18days

✏ art I have wanted to learn drawing for years now but for some reason I just never seem to get around to it (the 'some reason' being my impatience and inability to accept that I'm actually a beginner) but yknow what. if I'm anyway going to feel bad about how poor I am at drawing, I might as well do it while drawing poorly instead of trying to avoid it. I've decided to use this youtube playlist as my starting point

🍳 cooking for someone who is planning to live abroad and live alone I can't cook to save my life, but putting that aside, the main reason I want to cook is that a lot of my favourite regional cuisine is centered towards dishes for the winter and I want to learn to make tasty + nutritional food suitable for this summer heat without resorting to consuming excessively sugared juices and soda in copious amounts

---

yeah. day1 starts today. I hope it works out. my weekly tracker and my work tracker will also be updated in parallel

[circular-bircular]

Out of wonder, what made you finally be pro-endo?

I'm anti-endo, but I've been looking more at stuff from endos. I'm still on the fence, but if you're okay with sharing, what kind of stuff convinced you?

Funny enough, I actually started as a pro-endo before shifting stances. I did the whole run of pro-endo to neutral to anti-endo to neutral to pro-endo pipeline.

Originally, I was pro-endo because I was completely misinformed. It's part of why I speak out so often about the misinformation in pro-endo spaces, which I still combat to this day. Then I shifted to anti-endo over the course of multiple years, but I only stayed at that point for about 6 months if I remember correctly.

Eventually, though, I really analyzed what I believed and what I knew. This is what I settled on, after discussions with a LOT of endogenic plurals:

I found that many of them acknowledged this as a very vague, personal identity sort of experience. A surprising amount actually have told me that what they're experiencing is just made up and pretend because they find it fun or relaxing.

Many (all but a small vocal minority I've found) accept and speak out about how endogenic plurality IS very different from DID, and how plurality in of itself is an identity label over an actual condition. This group also acknowledges that DID isn't inherently "plurality," and that plurality is a label you put on yourself.

These aren't just children who are at risk of mistaking DID for endogenic plurality; these are adults who have gone to therapy, have researched DID, and who have been found and have found themselves not fitting that criteria. Moreover, the children I do find in these spaces are willing to learn, because at the end of the day, they're in those spaces to figure themselves out.

When endogenic plurality can be something as simple as, "I can hear my character's voices in my head when I write," it would be ridiculous to say, "That doesn't exist." That's a well recorded phenomenon that people have now put a label to. At the end of the day, being pro-endo just means accepting that the thing exists. If people find that the label benefits them, then that really has nothing to do with me. So, there's no harm in being pro-endo and saying, "Hey, you know your brain better than I do, if you find it helpful to say that's plurality, then you do you."

At the end of the day, it doesn't impact me so greatly that it matters more than my trauma recovery, or my career, or my writing, or literally anything. Endogenic plurality does impact my life, don't get me wrong -- it's just that, by and large, so many other things matter so much more than what a small subsect of the human race labels themselves at. I have better windmills to tilt at, yknow?

I'll also add on, a large part of why I join so many "plural" servers, despite not really vibing with the plurality label most of the time, is to help spread information. Given the state of syscourse and the state of DID vs. Endogenic v. Plural, whatever have you -- a lot of echo chambers have popped up. A lot of incidental ableism takes place in a lot of places, purposeful or otherwise. By joining these spaces, I can learn more about them (and about how I view myself), but also, I can help share more information or correct issues. In one of my favorite servers, I recently mentioned that an article someone had cited was ableist and explained why, and got to have a very short and lovely conversation of the values of reading these horrible articles to learn more about those sorts of red flags. The potential is there that this wouldn't have happened without my presence.

Hope this helps clarify some! The TL;DR really is, "It hurts absolutely nobody to accept that people view themselves in a different way." I don't have sources to prove that it exists, but that's because it's a subjective experience. I can't "prove" I'm agender -- that's a label I chose for myself, and people accept that I say I am that. Why not accept endogenic systems too?

[bloodgulchblog]

Hi!! Ok sorry for the mammoth question I’m about to ask but you’re super knowledgeable on Halo stuff and I need help- sorry if I don’t word things well my brain is having a day

Ok so I’m writing a Spartan character and I can’t find too much on the specifics of how they were trained. I’m trying to determine what kind of trauma would come out of being beaten into a Spartan, especially the IIs and IIIs.

Basically trying to figure out what kinda trauma they have/how bad it is so I can roadmap my character’s recovery yknow

*CRACKS MY KNUCKLES*

You came to the right nerd. This is pretty much like throwing a kong ball full of peanut butter into my enclosure. This post is gigantic and I had so much fun.

If you want to read it directly for yourself, you're looking for Nylund's Halo books. The Fall of Reach covers the Spartan-IIs, and Ghosts of Onyx covers the Spartan-IIIs. I'd happily recommend either of those, they're well-liked Halo novels for a reason. Ghosts does work pretty well on its own if you want to focus on the IIIs, but it benefits from having read Fall first. (...And First Strike, but I will contain myself.)

If you want IVs, which are very different because they were selected and augmented as adults with military experience, your options are New Blood by Forbeck or the comic Initiation. (I'm not really a big fan of either so it just depends on if you'd prefer it from Buck or Palmer.)

That said, let's get going.

(....I want the readmore cut to be here, but Tumblr keeps moving it when I make edits. So.)

Spartan-IIs and Spartan-IIIs: Training

These guys have a lot in common, and they feel weirdly familiar to one another. (Just enough that the differences feel even weirder.)

Both groups started training as young children. The IIs were all six years old, the IIIs cast a wider net. Ghosts mentions kids as young as 4 in Alpha, but that doesn't... make sense actually. Because we have canon DOBs we know Carter would've been 12 and Jun would've been 8, and those numbers feel closer to right, but I'll get to why in a bit. (Researching this post has made me have a revelation about Spartan-III ages.)

Spartan-IIs were selected for genetic matches to a profile that Dr. Halsey determined was likely to accept the augmentation procedures. (The failure rate was still very high though. I'll talk about that.) They were kidnapped from their homes by ONI operatives and brought to Reach. Here's what they were told because hahahahaha big iconic moment:

(One note: Spartan-II training began in 2517. This was 8 years before the Covenant attack on Harvest in 2525. They were absolutely trained to bring down human targets, and were taught that it was necessary to sacrifice human lives for the good of innocent people. The first class of Spartan-IIIs kicked off in 2532, and they would focus from the beginning on Covenant.)

There were a total of 75 Spartan-II candidates. No one died during training (...at least I am pretty sure, if someone died during training it was a retcon introduced later) but it was hard. Halopedia has a pretty thorough rundown of things we know they did. Most of those are in The Fall of Reach. The Tango Company bit is from First Strike. Bonus: Here's a story Gray Team tells in Envoy that isn't mentioned:

(If you want to know who the most feral and defiant S-IIs are with the most atypical profiles, you want to look at Gray Team.)

Surviving Spartan-IIs are going to be 49 years old as of Halo Infinite. (Though, like all UNSC infantry, they've spent huge amounts of time in cryo during ship travel over the years. Sergeant Johnson was chronologically 78 in Halo 3, if that helps.)

Spartan-IIIs were selected along a wider profile because the augmentations were changed by Colonel Ackerson to be 1) cheaper and 2) have a much higher success rate with a broader margin for compatibility. They were working with orphans the UNSC picked up on planets the Covenant attacked, so they also could not be as selective as the original project. The young S-IIIs' fear and anger toward the Covenant (and their desire for revenge) were huge motivators. There were hundreds of Spartan-IIIs in all 3 classes. (They exhausted the available candidate pool after Alpha, and Ackerson was pushing for efforts to more widely genetically profile children from colony worlds as a result…. 😬)

Here's how the first company of Spartan-IIIs (Alpha Company) got the intro. (We don't know what Beta and Gamma were told, but it's likely to be similar):

(Ghosts of Onyx, Chapter 6, this is immediately followed by a bit from the perspective of a boy named Shane that would probably be really useful to you if you're looking for some insight to what those kids were feeling. It's just too long to paste.)

Another note: Chief Mendez trained both groups of Spartans. We have fewer detailed descriptions of S-III training shenanigans, because there is a lot of time skipping during Ghosts of Onyx to demonstrate the catastrophic losses suffered by the Alpha and Beta companies. Given that Mendez was involved, though, they are likely to have been highly similar.

Based on what we do get of training in Ghosts, I see the S-III teams being pitted against one another in exercises more often than we see mention of the IIs doing. (This is likely because S-II was on Reach, a huge ass military base, and had much more access to personnel that could be dragged into this than Onyx, which was extremely remote and established solely for the purpose of minting Spartans.)

The Spartan-IIIs had much less training time than the IIs... at least originally. S-III Alpha Company had 4 years compared to the S-II's 8 years. ONI was banking on improved augmentation protocols and technology to make up for it. Kurt pushed for the later two classes to get more training time.

Another another note: Kurt, if you were not aware, is Kurt-051 (Kurt Ambrose, using the name ONI gave him to work under.) Kurt was a Spartan-II abducted by ONI (making it look like he died on a mission) specifically for this job in 2531. Kurt loved those kids. Their deaths weighed heavily on him. More on that later.

Spartan-II Augmentations

I wasn't sure where else to put this, so it's going here: Spartan-II augmentations had a huge wash-out rate. S-III had a much much much smaller percentage.

There were 75 Spartan-II candidates, and only 33 came out as intended. The rest of them suffered serious side effects, and several died.

Halopedia once again has a big pile of information.

I bring this up for two reasons: the first is that it's a thing they all went through and all lost people who were as close as siblings to.

The second is that some Spartan-IIs that initially washed out of the program at this point were rehabilitated. Dr. Halsey worked on individual therapies for Spartans whose bodies rejected augmentations, restoring some quality of life and, in some cases, successfully getting them back to a point where they could continue training. (Black Team and Red Team (Halo Wars edition) are both made up entirely of former wash-outs.)

ONI created jobs for and retained most Spartan-II wash-outs that couldn't continue as Spartans. Serin Osman, Musa, and Fhajad are examples.

Differences Between Spartan-III Companies

There were 3 companies of S-IIIs trained, so if you're working on a III you'll want to establish which one they were from. You can identify the generation of S-IIIs by the letter in their tag number: Jun-A266, Lucy-B091, Ash-G099. Alpha, Beta, Gamma.

(Sidenote on picking Spartan tag numbers for OCs: There's a specific range of numbers. S-II had 150 candidates observed even though only 75 were taken and trained, so their tag numbers range from 1-150. Alpha Company had 497 kids, Beta had 418, Gamma had 330. WIki's really good for making sure you're not duplicating an existing number. Spartan-IIs are pretty much all accounted for canonically but if you're writing a II OC you're already in your own city anyway.)

Here's a good wiki trailhead for you, individual articles for the companies tell you what we do know about their training, too. But if you like reading my words about things:

ALPHA COMPANY:

The first group Kurt and Mendez trained, starting in the last days of 2532 and going active in 2536. There are very few surviving members of Alpha Company, only seven canonical, because almost all of them were killed in one operation.

Ages are kind of fucky for Alpha Company, as I mentioned earlier because Ghosts implies they were really young, but the problem with that is that after only 4 years of training they would have not been old enough to undergo augmentation. Jun, Emile, and Carter were Alphas. Jun was 28, Emile was 29, and Carter was 32 at Reach, so they would've been from 8-12 years old at the start of training. I feel like we're meant to go with that.

That means surviving Alphas would be in their late 30s as of Infinite.

BETA COMPANY:

Started training in 2539 and went active in 2545. Kurt was devastated by the loss of the Alphas (he's terribly upset when he finds out what happened to them, the information was kept from him.) He tried to train Beta company better and harder (he managed to squeeze two more years in for them), but in the end it did not save them from a similar fate. There are a handful of surviving Betas that were not present for Operation TORPEDO, but Tom and Lucy were the only survivors that were there. Kat and Noble Six were Betas. They were both 22 when they died on Reach. (That puts them both at 9 at the start of training. Tom and Lucy were a little younger, they both would have been 6.) Ages are still slightly fucky there because that means Lucy and Tom would've been 12 at augment, but that... is close enough to almost work, sort of, I guess, oh Halo you're so silly. Anyway. Surviving Betas would be in their late 20s/early 30s as of Infinite.

GAMMA COMPANY:

The last class of IIIs started training in 2545. (I had to do a little digging to confirm this year because it was authorized in '44, you're welcome.) They had just been deployed in 2552 and most of them left Onyx a week before the Onyx Conflict (you know, where the whole planet disintegrated into Forerunner nonsense) kicked off, with only three teams left on-planet for that shitmess. They were being shoved out the door because Reach had just fallen and everything was on fucking fire.

They had the most training and Kurt and Mendez were terribly proud of them. These guys would be the youngest S-IIIs both in terms of yes, that's how time works, and in terms of how old they were when they started training. We have canonical DOBs on several of them that put them at 6 and 7. This is significant because the Gammas are the ones that were being rushed into production: They were put on hormones to induce puberty early when most of them were 12ish, so that they could be augmented. (You know, horrifying!) (This is the thing that kicked off my wild confusion about Spartan-III ages that has consumed me for the last hour. Thanks, Halo! :,) )

The big thing to know about the Gammas is that they got built different. Kurt hated what had happened to the Alphas and Betas, hated it desperately, and was willing to do anything he thought would give the Gammas a chance at survival.

Kurt changed the augmentations. He did this without authorization. The Gammas' brains got tweaked to give them a heightened response to stress/adrenaline that makes them more able to block out pain/shock and keep fighting, which Kurt hoped would help them make it through the meatgrinder missions ONI was determined to use them for. The problem? The Gammas require regular injections of antipsychotics to keep them emotionally stable, and they can become less rational and start having extreme responses that make them a danger to themselves and others if they are deprived of them. (They call these drugs "smoothers.")

Anyway, the Gammas were 13-14ish at the end of the war, and surviving Gammas (there are significantly more of them) are in their late 20s by Infinite. Their altered augmentations mean they're considered unsuited for high-visibility work, ONI considers them a potential huge liability if a Gamma ever goes off the rails so they prefer to keep them away from people. A lot of Gammas that are still alive have ended up as Headhunters. (That's also the case for a lot of surviving S-IIIs generally. I don't know as much about Headhunters, they're a part of the lore I find uninteresting.)

Also just because I feel like it, here's Kurt with one of the Gammas dying in his arms:

What Are Spartans Like?

"Records show Spartans routinely exhibited mildly sociopathic tendencies, difficulty with socialization. Furthermore…" - Halo 4

We're getting into more and more headcanon and interpretation, but hey. I offer this as creative compost for your bin.

Spartans are weird. Spartans are weird. The overall portrait of an adult S-II/III is that they're mostly quiet, serious, and very intense about whatever they're doing. Some are more talkative and sociable than others, some are more unsettling than others. There's some wide variability on how careful they are about other people and how responsible they do or do not feel toward them.

As far as Spartans go, I feel like John is high on the polite end, and I have reams I've said and could say about how he handles himself. You've got Spartans who are very contained like him (I'd say Owen-B096 is another good example, he's able to be shockingly gentle with a pack of scared high school kids in Battle Born.) But you've also got examples like, say, Emile, and Gray Team, and Kevin from this one story in the Fractures anthology:

Let me break down some major traits:

LACK OF NORMAL SOCIALIZATION/GENERAL SPARTAN WEIRDNESS:

Overall, Spartans are poorly socialized. Their priorities and experiences are so wildly different from most peoples' that it's a difficult gap for them to bridge, and they're required to hide the details of their personal histories because that's very dangerous and inconvenient information (you know, for the UNSC) to have around. They were isolated from other people as children, and as adults they are extremely busy and the things that make them different make it difficult for them to make up for lost time on this.

If you've seen me writing John, I have him struggling a lot because it feels like social situations are always full of weird traps he can't see because he just doesn't have the background for them. There are so, so many things you casually assume another person is familiar with in conversation, and so many little social call-and-responses that someone who was raised under such weird circumstances wouldn't have.

There's a post that goes around sometimes about a small child who has never heard "Later, alligator" responding with "Goodbye, hippo" or something like that because they'd never heard the "After a while, crocodile" response and had to guess at what they were supposed to do. I think about that post sometimes when I'm thinking about Spartans. They're smart, and they can imitate and figure things out and get good at faking more experience than they have (and the older a Spartan is the longer they've been picking things up), but they need something to work with.

A Spartan-II never snuck out with friends after curfew to go to a concert, was never nervous about who was going out with who, and never stressed about what they were going to do after high school. But they know that enough people experience those things to pretend they understand.

It's easiest to lie by not saying anything at all as much as possible, because then you don't give anyone who's watching you a little too closely something to pick apart. Let other people assume you're what they expect, and don't give them details to the contrary.

This makes most of them quiet and sort of awkward, unless they've put in effort on their own part to work on it. If a Spartan cares enough to learn to socialize and banter smoothly with non-Spartans, that tells you something about their priorities and who they are. (And possibly that they got extra training for a specific purpose that requires it.)

Getting out of socialization: Spartans were raised in a highly structured environment, and I think most of them find comfort in routines, rules, and regular procedures that are done the same way. Following general everyday UNSC rules = not being bawled out or punished. Following some extra important serious rules = feeling like you're doing the best thing you can possibly do to prevent disasters from happening. How much that has broken down for someone vs how much they still hang onto it is gonna be real individual. Some of them really will not like being pulled out of doing things the way they "should" be done.

Amongst themselves, Spartans communicate a lot by body language and hand signals. (S-IIs and S-IIIs use similar but slightly different hand signals because Kurt was a II and they innovated on what they picked up from him. I'd also say it's very likely that each class had some variations unique to them, like a dialect.) They're also so used to being in armor that they do a lot with just flashing different status light colors on their HUD, which is neat (and also on that page.)

As a footnote re: sex and romance, it's a thorny fandom question that is up to you to answer for how you prefer to read things, but it's fair play to say that most Spartan-IIs are probably at least mostly asexual due to their augmentations. S-IIIs have no major lore implying either way about it, though later depictions of the Gammas have seemed to indicate they're not particularly interested either. It's up to you how you want to go.

REACTIVENESS

The other thing about Spartans is they are trained to react immediately in a crisis and have had that tendency reinforced by horrible traumatic experiences. I don't like throwing around real world serious words for fictional character things, but I think PTSD is fair for most Spartans. Do real research if you want to incorporate that, I don't know the most about it and won't pretend whatever I'm doing is an actual portrayal. But I do think a lot about reactiveness.

The problem with being constantly ready to react to everything like it's a life-or-death situation is... most things are not life-or-death situations. It's hard on a person, and it makes you blow some things out of proportion in a way that can become a serious problem. (For example: A Spartan that feels safer when following specific routines and procedures getting way more frustrated than is really justified by someone breaking from protocol in a harmless but definite way.)

Spartans are really good at controlling anger and fear and probably will not go all the way off the handle, but they still tend to go for immediate responses to things that startle or scare them. Make a loud sound in a room full of Spartans, expect hands on weapons and some pointed barrels. They are always always always ready to go. It is incredibly difficult for them to relax.

Most Spartans probably remember a point (or multiple points) somewhere in their lives where their guard was down, and then everything exploded under them and maybe somebody died.

LOYALTY AND SACRIFICE

This is a lot more personal and individual. The majority of Spartans are very loyal to the UNSC, it's been trained into them from childhood. The degree to which a Spartan may possibly have become embittered about it is going to be super dependent on who they are and what has happened to them.

I think a lot of them probably tend to fall back on their mission and sense of purpose (especially re: the defense of humanity) for a bare kind of comfort when miserable (which they have reason to be often.) They have sacrificed so much of themselves, but it was worth it, right? They helped save humanity from the Covenant, right? They're helping save humanity from new problems, right?

Spartans were all taught that their cause is worth their lives, and they're willing to die for it. They have known people they loved and grew up with who did die for it, and this fits pretty naturally into coping with those losses.

If the cause isn't paramount and loyalty to the UNSC isn't worth dying for.... what does that make everything they've done, and everything they've lost? What does that make the deaths of their fellow Spartans?

(Survivor's guilt is gonna be big for all of them, but especially S-IIIs. 2/3 Spartan-III companies died in almost their entirety in one go. The surviving S-IIs had remarkably few losses until... Reach....... )

I've talked/thought about sacrifice a lot with the S-IIs, especially John because I'm always in hell writing about John and people have poked my askblog about it. If a Spartan could go back in time and change how their life went and prevent them from becoming a Spartan, would they?

Being a Spartan and that sense of purpose is so core to them that I really think most of them would not. This is their world. This is their lives. This is such a huge part of who they are that they don't know who they'd be otherwise.

I don't care for Mortal Dictata much (that's a whole different post), but a huge part of the plot of that book is that Kilo Five's S-II (Naomi) is reunited with her father as an adult and it's a very uncomfortable process because... she's not the little girl he lost, anymore.

......

I think that's everything I have on this.

I am a perpetual wellspring of information on this topic tho so you guys let me know if you have more things you wanna talk about re: this. :V

[kyyykingsley]

HII DOVE 28 and 44 pls :)

Hey baby <3

28 - How are you, really?

Right now I just woke up to a lot of noise so I'm sleepier than I'd like and very hungry. Cookie crunch is next on today's agenda but for the really portion of this, im happy.

I pride myself on my happiness. Practically constantly I'm smiling and laughing and I do so fully feel that joy and excitement. However, I haven't quite learned to let myself not feel happy. I cant accept any other emotion as valid and I refuse to sit in it long enough to actually understand and process that feeling. I used to be very angry for a very long time, isolate myself constantly and just be nothing but angry so I decided "fuck this, hate that energy I just wanna be happy" and I fully flipped a switch. Yknow when people are like "oh just be happy" and it's like "shut the fuck up you don't get it" of which is the correct response to that dumbass statement but I did that. I just kept lying to myself that I was happy until I now am happy all of the time. But now I need to learn to accept my other emotions which is proving surprisingly difficult.

44 - Who was the last person you said "I love you" too?

I believe it was my best friend Josh who follows me on here so hey, get more sleep dumbass I know you read this shit. But yeah, everytime I say I love you I fully mean it. I dont toss it about like nothing, if I say it, i mean it. Wether its platonically, familial or something more, I mean it. I love saying I love you. I love having people I can say that to and just adore them for that moment and many more. I love you is such a wonderful little sentence and I really want less people to be afraid of saying it because it is also so powerful. You never know what saying it could truly do for a person, how much it can help them in whatever way they need. It'd worth it to just say it.

[whentherewerebicycles]

processing some weight gain stuff under the cut

okay. in 18 weeks of pregnancy I have gained 15 pounds, which according to the guidelines I was given is a LOT more than I’m supposed to have gained at this stage. based on my starting weight I am only supposed to gain 15-25 lbs total across the entire pregnancy, which idk people seem to be mixed on whether that’s actually realistic but that is what the doctor says. in the last two weeks I went up 4 lbs, and that was with a terrible cold that totally killed my appetite and made it very easy to not indulge in holiday food (I couldn’t taste anything). I am exercising a little less (30-45 min daily walks instead of 45-75) but not like, SO much less yknow? and I have also been tracking my caloric intake on an app to make sure I’m not going over (although I think my real motivation there is if a doctor gives me a hard time about weight gain I’m going to be like yeah well here’s 15+ weeks of data on my eating habits so you tell ME what’s going on).

the point is that based on a calories in calories out model I shouldn’t be gaining this much weight this fast but I am. that’s just what seems to be happening! so I think I just have to LET GO and accept that my body is going to do whatever it thinks is best to support the pregnancy. I can still make good choices but I need to decouple the choices from the outcomes. or like, I need to accept that my good choices will produce good outcomes (I’ll be eating nourishing food and moving my body regularly!) but those outcomes will probably not include weight loss or a slowing of weight gain. here is what I will continue doing:

meal plan every week—I might want to start thinking about meal planning snacks too esp as I am feeling hungrier during the day

eat lots of fruits and vegetables every day

eat very limited amounts of processed foods and watch out for added sugars

walk briskly for 30-45 min a day

go to this hourlong weights class at least 2x a week (ideally 3x) and tack on 20-25 min of cardio on the bike after

I could also try going to the gym more often to do low-impact cardio—like trying to work in a couple days a week where I do 45 min on the elliptical while watching an episode of TV. I do find that in the past doing a lot of that mindless low effort activity seems to help with weight maintenance and is pretty easy to sustain because I’m just like, as long as I’m moving it counts! I don’t have to be pushing myself super hard! this is probably most doable for me on the weekends (and if I’m at the gym already it increases the chances that I might decide to run too).

ok so here’s a rough plan:

sat & sun: walk dogs (30-45 min x 2) + try to do 30 min x 2 of extra cardio while watching TV at the gym (or when liz is feeling better I can see if she wants to go together or do pregnancy workout videos)

mon & tues: weights class one of those days depending on work schedule + 20 min extra cardio one day + 30-45 min walk both days

wed: 30-45 min walk

thurs: this is my busy/long day with work stuff and rehearsal, but I can usually squeeze in a 20 min dog walk and could try parking far away and walking into work on days when it isn’t raining to get another 20+ min in

fri: weights class + 30-45 min walk

and I gotta remember I can make the walks less boring by 1) driving to a random neighborhood and walking from there and 2) talking to friends on the phone instead of just listening to stuff.

OKAY. the takeaway is: I DO NOT NEED TO FEEL GUILT OR SHAME ABOUT THE FACT THAT I AM PUTTING ON A LOT OF WEIGHT. I AM FOUR AND A HALF MONTHS PREGNANT! THIS IS LITERALLY WHAT MY BODY IS SUPPOSED TO BE DOING! I ALSO REFUSE TO LET DOCTORS OR THE INTERNET MAKE ME FEEL GUILTY ABOUT MY WEIGHT, BECAUSE I KNOW I AM MAKING HEALTHY CHOICES THAT ARE GOOD FOR MY BODY, MY BABY, AND MY MENTAL HEALTH. I ALSO WANT TO GENTLY DECOUPLE GOOD/HEALTHY CHOICES FROM SPECIFIC OUTCOMES. EATING WELL AND STAYING ACTIVE THROUGH MY PREGNANCY MAY NOT KEEP ME FROM GAINING “EXCESS” WEIGHT. BUT IT WILL MAKE ME FEEL BETTER IN MY BODY/SELF. IT WILL ENSURE THAT MY BABY IS GETTING LOTS OF GOOD NUTRIENTS. IT WILL HELP ME SLEEP BETTER AND FOCUS MORE AT WORK. IT WILL HOPEFULLY MAKE LABOR AND RECOVERY A LITTLE BIT EASIER TOO! I AM DOING ALL THE RIGHT THINGS AND IT IS OKAY THAT MY BODY IS NOT CONFORMING TO THE PRESCRIBED NORM. I TRUST MY BODY AND ASSUME IT HAS ITS REASONS!!!!!!!!!!!

[velvetvexations]

tw: transphobic language, lesbophobic language, transphobia mention, lesbophobia mention, queerphobia mention

it's more a personal worry born from concern that we're reproducing a binary identity system, than a full fledged thought. also a personal gripe about the idea that I need to be masculine to be "valid" or accepted (which then is contradicted by the belief that all mascs are disgusting dangerous men and then my head explodes tryna figure out what people want from me).

I dont think *you* need to be concerned you're using the "right" term cause I don't think there is one? not one single one that fits everyone. I guess transmasc/transfemme works as a generalisation?

I dont think there's one exact word/set of words that can encompass the vast diversity of trans people and how we choose to identify.

I dont think it's actually that important in the face of, yknow, dehumanisation in mainstream media, work/job/housing discrimination, corrective SA, so on, for us to have exactly correct definitions and classifications for ourselves/each other.

like, people who say I can't reclaim "tranny" because im not transfemme, can't reclaim "dyke" vause im not a lesbian. but... I've been called both by bigots based on my appearance. does it matter what I call myself, what we call each other, when they just see us as "degenerate"?

forgot to add my signature to that ask about classification. and dw that youre busy we all are at some point. live ye life, gurl - ❤️💛💜

Definitions can be helpful and provide grounding. And I think part of the appeal of being like, "this is what a lesbian is, this is what a transfem is, this is who gets to use this and that word" is that in the face of all those really serious terrible things it can provide a sense of control and safety within the community. I think people get lost in that a lot.

[myopicry]

a spiteful little rant about petty real life circumstance~

picking the absolute worst time to peak as I essentially fully start a new role as management for a very "queer" organization (it's like a school sponsored writing publication) on my campus...whoops! in my defense, I had yet to peak when I applied for the job and got it, and was actively still seeking to transition. ironically though, right after I got hired, that's when all the fun catalysts for my peakening happened! the universe plays funny games sometimes with timing.

anyway...the point of this relentless blogposting is that my boss/head of management is a self defined "transfemme" who I watched actively go from they/them to she/her in the span of a few months, and I have just had the fascinating reveal (not shocking, really) that they are a "lesbian" and apparently, this is well known among the management to where people joke their entire personality is being gay and talking about lesbians and man. I really hate to be like this but. it's a little awkward to watch someone who isn't female define themselves with being such a "lesbian" !!! again, what a fun nod from the universe that the second I accept my own same-sex attraction, but I still have all this damn baggage from trying to repress it for so long as well as a new profound loneliness based off my opinions being very isolating from my peer group, I am immediately confronted with the exact concept that I have just been peaked on!! wow!! and especially since I still struggle with even thinking of myself as a lesbian since I've had such dumb, incidental, regrettable and based-on-insecurity experiences with men, watching someone categorically not same-sex attracted be so flippantly defined as the gayest of all gays and so quirky for liking to kiss girls (I'm not mad at all that I'm basically stuck in the closet due to my family situation/location in the states and will probably never be able to be so casual with my attraction because a lot of the people around me still see it as unnatural haha <- lying about not being mad)

worst part and maybe the objectively whiniest and pettiest part of this post is this person apparently is poly and has multiple girlfriends! which they brag about! oh boy!

it all just reminds me of how I used to just not know about any of this, but now I can't help but notice how casual jokes like "I like girls in a lesbian way" are made by trans women online, and how...weird...it feels? yknow, I just want to actually let myself feel love for once after a whole teenage saga of disassociating myself from my body and subjecting myself to degrading relationships because I thought that was the only way I could live, and be in a relationship that makes me feel what everyone else feels so damn easily because the world is catered towards their desires and not mine! but sure, I guess these quirky amabs can just suddenly become so gay and sapphic and whatnot just with a simple change of the pronouns and somehow become the face of the identity I can still barely stand to claim from my lack of experiences but one that eats me up inside with the pain of unfulfillment regardless!

okay, I'm clearly losing the thread here and I admit this is fully written from an impulsive, spite-fueled reaction, but what's an anonymous tumblr blog for if not making my problems everyone's problem because I obviously can't vent about this in real life! in a way, this is better than letting the resentment fester? I can just vent it out and subject my lovely followers to maybe seeing this? wow, I love tumblr.com?

if you did read this, you're a damn saint and I hope you have an amazing whatever time of day it is where you live <3

[nerves-nebula]

I had an actual question for you but I don't remember what is was so... Is there anything random that you want to post about? Topics completely up to you! Doesn't have to relate to anything else on here, I just wanna know what's bouncing around inside that skull of yours!

OK BUT YOU ASKED FOR IT.

under the cut for a long ass rant about my opinions on the use of SA/CSA/and incest in fiction

so i've prolly talked about this before but it's been on my mind again recently. I really really dislike the way people think of sexual assault/rape/sexual abuse/incest as inherently more Life Ruining than other shitty things that can happen to you. it makes it hard to feel normal or talk about cause it's such a taboo, it's considered such a Horrible Thing. There are people who genuinely think you shouldn't include it in stories unless you ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO which is WILD to me.

like i know the people who say that are usually just annoyed by seeing someone use SA poorly in their story, but frankly it always just made me feel like i had to justify why i would want to write about it. which is BAD. because no one should have to feel pressured to disclose their personal trauma- and even if you aren't traumatized that's just a stupid and annoying standard. and also makes it so that the only people who feel comfortable writing about it are people who dont give a shit or don't understand that they might be portraying it weirdly/in a bad way.

ANYWAY the point is that something that's helped me A LOT is to demystify rape & sexual abuse. especially incest. I have a kind of "it be like that sometimes" mindset nowadays, where it's like, yeah, that's something that happens sometimes. it's happened to a lot of people and will probably keep happening. it's not so terrible you can't say the words or make jokes about it.

it genuinely makes it harder to talk about my experiences if the person I'm talking to like, breaks down and starts crying just thinking about the fact that I've been molested. as if the world ENDED when I was 8 years old and now i'm just a husk of a person??? like nah man I kept living!

and with that comes a kind of acceptance of a lot of things tbh. like getting to this point meant that I had to stop shaming myself for all the feelings that come WITH experiencing sa at a young age. no more shaming myself for gross kinks, because i can't control those feelings, so it's best to just practice them in a healthy way where no one actually gets hurt or w/e. yknow? anyway, as open as i might be, talking about my personal kinks and which ones are and arent influenced by trauma is a step too far for me. so that's enough about that.

AND ANOTHER THING- I KNOW this wont happen any time soon, but I want more childrens stories with sexually abused kids. do you have any idea how much that would have meant to me as a kid?? Do you have any idea how seen I would have felt if kids were depicted as having gone through cocsa and STILL being heroes or going on magic adventures or literally ANYTHING other than being sad for a PSA???

so. yeah. that's what's been bouncing around in my skull.

[lilacartsmadsion]

Am i a;lowed to ask for that scenario/ where cacao goes to therapy and uhh, yknow the stuff we said in dms

It doesnt go well

Therapist: So let’s start with something simple, How do you feel, like everyday before you, lose control?

Dark Cacao: Angry?…Frustrated…when something negative happens I suppose…usually anger…

Therapist: Any specific reasons for said anger issues?

Dark Cacao: It’s mostly triggered through annoyance, I can control it better, but if I’m annoyed enough I will…lose control…

Therapist: And…the other times…?

Dark Cacao:…

Dark Cacao: I was…angry at someone…someone I was arguing with, either I hated the way they were or just simply felt betrayed…

Dark Cacao: Sometimes it activates when someone I care about is hurt…and I feel this sudden rage fill my soul that I…lose control so easily…

Therapist: Have you told anyone about this?

Dark Cacao: Yes…

Therapist: I see…Does it always happen this way? Have you been trying to seek help for this crisis?

Dark Cacao: Usually…I always regarded it as a cursed defense mechanism…regardless its not going to go away unless I actually handle it.

Therapist: You’re dealing this on your own?

Dark Cacao: Why not? It’s…it’s not like the others can help, they don’t even understand how this works either! And at this point I’m the only one who can protect them!

Therapist: So you push them away? What about Espresso or Pure Vanilla? Aren’t they finding a cure?

Dark Cacao: There is no cure…I’ve accepted that…

Therapist:…

Therapist: Well it doesn’t hurt to at least let them help you.

Dark Cacao: I’ve survived worse on my own, I can handle myself.

Therapist: On your own? All by yourself?

Dark Cacao: I’ve fought two dragons and raised a kingdom from the ground up all by myself, in this snowy wasteland, given myself techniques and skills so that my subjects will thrive despite this harsh climate! So yes, all by myself!

Therapist: That was in your adolescence…it was recorded that you were much younger than the others when you founded your kingdom…

Therapist: But are you certain you were on your own? What about your friends? Didn’t they help you? Perhaps…your family? There must be a reason you constantly pursue things on your own…

Dark Cacao:…

Dark Cacao: I don’t want to talk about this.

Therapist: Your Majesty, please, if I am to make a correct decision on your state, I might as well learn what may be your weaknesses here, did your friends abandon you at some point? Did something happen that made you think that you had to do it all alone?

Dark Cacao: My kingdom was in the height of its prosperity when I met the others! There’s no way they would’ve started this!

Therapist: Then your family…tell me, did they abandon you? Left you to fend for yourself? Did they place a helping hand when you needed it the most?

Dark Cacao: Shut your mouth, I don’t want to talk about this!

Therapist: It couldn’t have been a brother or sister, such actions would’ve made you more of a people pleaser, but you seem so afraid to let people into your heart, my guess is that you’ve been shut out by someone.

Therapist: Not to mention your neglectful behavior towards your son, though understandable that you had a kingdom to run that suffered a lot with trade since your land is an icy wasteland compared to Hollyberry’s thriving kingdom that lives in the middle of an island, you also seem to purposefully distance yourself from him.

Dark Cacao: We are still getting used to each other.

Therapist: No no, I’m talking about, PRIOR to his banishment. Multiple cookies have reported that, though you love the Prince whole heartedly, there’s something in you that is hesitant to show him the proper love and care you want to give him, my guess is that…perhaps, you believe you wouldn’t be a good father for him?

Dark Cacao: ?!

Therapist: But for what reason? The only thing I believe is that you had a problem with your own father…

Dark Cacao:…

Therapist: And it seems I’m spot on…

Dark Cacao: I’m not listening to this.

Therapist: What did he do to you, Dark Cacao? Why is it your so hesitant to let others help you when they so desperately want to?

Dark Cacao: Stop!

Therapist: Why do you choose to hurt yourself just to protect others?!

Dark Cacao: SHUT IT!

Therapist: Your past has done something to you, you refuse to let others help you because the last time you begged for the help of someone else, he shunned you away and left you to fend for yourself!

Dark Cacao: I DON’T WANT TO REMEMBER THIS!

-Dark Cacao transforms into Berserk Cacao and in anger eats the Therapist-