#He really wants to be a part of society. Every 'revenge story' he has is because the other person fucking started it

[autistichalsin]

So here's a hot take.

I see a lot of people saying that it would be fun to have a way to make Halsin worse. And I agree that it would totally be cool to be able to corrupt Halsin!

However, I don't think his canon arc would make the most sense leading to the Shadow Druids. Those are the tiny hints Larian dropped, yeah- the Shadow Druids being sent by Ketheric to corrupt the Grove to make them less of a threat against him, the Shadow Druids noting they are going to Baldur's Gate next, Halsin's brief moment of doubt that they were right. And a lot of other media love playing the ecoterrorist angle. So I can see why it's where a lot of people's minds go.

But from a characterization standpoint, I can't see it. Halsin dealt with the Shadow Curse for over 100 years. It cursed his home, and his childhood best friend who was the physical embodiment of nature. If he survived literally 100 years of darkness without being particularly moved to join the Shadow Druids, I just don't see how the sufferings of Baldur's Gate would push him into it. Those are much less personal stakes.

So, if we were to get a darker Halsin route, I would propose one of two things;

1. Introduce a failure state for act 2 that doesn't result in Halsin staying behind in the Shadowlands.

The easiest thought is that maybe doing part of the quest but not finishing it would result in him staying behind, seeing that there is hope to break it now, while doing nothing makes him think he's no closer to solving it than he was before, so things are unlikely to deteriorate while he goes with the player to solve the Absolute crisis.

Or if we wanted to make it REALLY awful, make it possible for Thaniel and/or Oliver to actually die, breaking Halsin's heart completely in the process. With his friend gone for good, his last hope gone, and with the Dead Three to blame directly, Halsin could become clouded by grief. Maybe it makes his story mirror Ketheric's in a sad way; Ketheric lost Isobel and became a monster, Halsin loses Thaniel and, while not becoming a monster per se, takes a darker, extremist path to avenging him, vowing to let nature reclaim Baldur's Gate in his memory.

Basically, what I'm getting at here is that there's nothing personal enough in Baldur's Gate proper to inspire such a radical shift. Canon, as it is, lets us see his momentary temptation and go "yeah makes sense" but there needed to be far more if I was going to buy his transformation to a Shadow Druid. This would provide that deep pain that cults are so good at preying on.

2. Similar to the above, but pushing it back to act 1. Make it so that the Grove raid, instead of being triggered by the player directly, can also be triggered by inaction; maybe once the player speaks to Minthara/frees Sazza, a timer starts for long rests, and at the conclusion, if the leaders aren't killed, the goblin leaders show up at the Grove. Halsin being freed already lets him fight on your side to stop them, while Halsin still being a captive lets the raid complete.

Similar to the above, Halsin's rage and grief at the defilement of nature then drives him into it. At first he just seeks out revenge, but later, after seeing the Shadow Curse and having those particular wounds opened back up (this one could proceed the same as canon) he gets pushed into something more methodical.

Shadow Druid Halsin could be a lot of fun IMO, but we would need something more than we have to establish a motive. Seeing sadness in a city for the first time wouldn't be enough to cause Halsin to drop every principle he has about nature being a balancing act between good and evil, darkness and light, order and chaos. For him to be pushed so firmly to an anti-society view, he would need to witness something far worse. So those are the two scenarios I can think of that would give just the little push, the sense of personal, direct harm, that would cause Halsin's morals to shift so drastically.

[adhdo5]

ok i'm curious, what is this TGCFlike house divorce we've been hearing about?

-Terra

OK so play with me in this space: MDZS and TGCF are in many ways about the same things but their conclusions are almost opposite. Super briefly: Xiyao are doomed as hell in MDZS because MDZS is a story about among other things when decency is not enough to overcome the ways in which society is built, and how it fails. But TGCF is about the ways in which it can be. Xiyao cannot be happy together until the revolution and the revolution doesn't happen in MDZS's thematic paradigm but the end of TGCF it does – they deny the artificial divisions and calls to revenge that Jun Wu's heaven is built on and that gives them the power to win; gods and ghosts and beggars come together to build something new and start to forgive each other. The laundry of class disparity is resolved even

So my thesis is as follows: postcanon MDZS fixit straightforwardly doable by letting the world gently transmute into something like TGCF. This is not really a crossover as much as it is "this AU works on TGCF rules" but we DID recently mess around with letting Lan Xichen and the Shi siblings interact so maybe it is a crossover or maybe that isn't canon I don't know I haven't decided

But let us not forget that this AU is called house divorce and I'm constantly whining and also, crucially, TGCF has four books covering eight hundred years of abject misery. SO

Zewu-jun spent some years in meditative seclusion before finally emerging to take up his responsibilities again, wiser and more reserved than before; he led his sect, he cultivated, he was part of the effort to take down Nie Huaisang when the Nie cancellation hit, and in the slow twilight of the power of the jianghu his measured grace and surety and wisdom allowed him to pass his Heavenly Calamity and ascend to the status of the martial god possessed of all the virtues he once allowed his reprobate brothers to take credit for that many know and love to this day. If LQQ is here he's supplanted by Zewu-jun as the Martial God of the East or maybe they're different Easts idk if he's even here point is Gusu is obviously his place of power etc etc

(Lan Xichen spent years in what amounted to devastating clinical depression before, with a monumental effort and the support he did have and a lack of any other option and a desperate desire to not be Qingheng-jun 2, managing to let the snarl of love and care and responsibilityobligation drag him out of his room and slowly back into his duties as sect leader. His reputation recovers like how Jin Guangyao predicted years ago. He takes up the practice of folding his grief inside himself like he takes up Shuoyue again, with an almost physical pain, and he pretends very dutifully that being dutiful to this is something he believes he can do and tolerate, because of course it is, because what else is possibly there, because as harrowed as he is and as much as he has broken pretty much every rule on that wall he cares about them, cares about what they're meant to protect, this matters to him and if he's to have any say in where that bright paved road leads he must walk it; there's no third path)

He's very much on the martial god side of things rather than civil god; he's not a stranger to non-cultivator societal concerns obv and he has non-cultivator worshippers esp as the power of the great sects really declines but he is very much a cultivator god/of that society and worshipped as a cultivator warrior-noble etc etc. He's quite well-liked in the heavens and on earth; he's not really the top of the hierarchy but he's in the leaderboard, doesn't want for merits or lanterns or spiritual power and is generally possessed of a decent reputation if the subject of some envy even if Zewu-jun is a little bit withdrawn; they say he has been since he emerged from seclusion and he's pretty much always perfectly polite and functional. The picture of coping.

Anyway one day 200+ years postcanon he gets sent down to deal with something on the ground; this is possibly whatever NMJ has going on RN for plot economy but I'm still trying to figure out what NMJ's final role in this all is anyway. What I do know is LXC ends up in ghostly territory; once he realizes he is he's like Ah I'll just be surreptitious but he's yet quite quickly met with a clone that, with stiff movements like it's used to moving through debilitating pain but impeccable propriety and an unwavering smile, says that as the lord of this place he doesn't wish for any trouble with Heaven, and invites LXC to negotiate with the local official

Official?

The Ghostly Civil Palace is in fact styled after the heavenly palaces of civil gods. It's slightly more luxurious, but still tasteful and practical enough that it isn't ostentatious; it's large but ordered enough it's not sprawling; it's completely, desertedly empty, even the footsteps of the clone disappearing the second LXC takes his eyes off it once it leads him to the pavilion and dismisses itself

LXC has an impeccably polite and extremely reasonable and productive discussion with the disembodied voice of the Ghostly Civil Official, who is by all appearances pretty genuinely invested in ensuring the wellbeing of his domain and the dead in it and is also concerned about the thing LXC has been sent down to deal with, in this nice understated pavilion. There is a koi pond. There is a single tea setting.

It is against all advised practice to take food from ghosts but LXC is not inclined to be rude as hell to someone who has been nothing but genteel and helpful, even if that someone is a disembodied voice coming from everywhere and nowhere in an ethereal palace, and does in fact accept and praise the tea setting. It's nice tea

The Ghostly Official feels no ways about this unexpected courtesy and will be answering no questions at this time.

He doesn't know if he remembers something like it from when he was alive but spending 100 years as a fierce corpse will do that. It's very nice, and mostly he remembers his life as Jin Guangyao in the ways of raised undead – outlines of despair and rage and unfinished business. It was easier once, but having regained enough spiritual cognition to miss it makes it very much an inconvenience. Troublesome to only remember your own name, your mother, your death in agony. Perhaps remembering more people than the one man whose death haunted him the most would make the search for his mother's probably-desecrated remains more effective, but the outlines of resentment are certainly enough for him to sharply know that he's always been good at working from positions of few advantages

He's doing well enough for himself and has picked up further tasks along the way. The Ghost Realm has AWFUL infrastructure. He's implementing reforms. Well. Forms he's implementing forms. Just because one is dead doesn't mean that having no social safety net is a tenable state of affairs. There's ghost public transportation in his sphere of influence

Anyway as they recognize each other more and more they go more and more Wait. Hey. What the fuck. HEY

JGY recognizes Shuoyue before he recognizes LXC himself. Y'know how it is. They have to lose all hope and divorce 43 times. Return the favor wrt the homoerotic stabbing. LXC gripping the sink looking into the mirror like I'm NOT gay anymore I feel NO ways about how that clone smiles and I am NOT going to fuck that house

Other characters around:

NMJ has also recovered spiritual cognition though he's still very saberbrained and he's currently on a mission from his Nie ancestors to find and thrash some sense into his terrible AWOL little brother who drove their bloodline into the ground

COMPLETELY UNRELATEDLY JGY's social programs include awkward-encounters-with-people-from-your-past insurance and he's got a particular charge from there, a sect leader from ages past who's dodging the spirits of his ancestors, and he's a bit of a mess but he's pleasant enough company and JGY privately regards him as something like a friend. It's nice. He thinks vaguely he might've known someone like that in life

Wangxian are still around! They cultivated to immortality not in the god way just in the normal way and are Sanrening it up. Every day means every day! Not every day for a normal human lifespan! There's a lot of days in forever!

They are still in some contact with LXC! This is possibly the most genuine interpersonal relationship he has

I don't have roles for Song Lan & co. but I think they're also still around. Waiting in the wings as it were

Idk who the fuck is the heavenly emperor. Is it Jun Wu? Fuck if I know

Lmk if you want to see the LXC+Shiblings thoughts which may or may not be canon

[kimberlyannharts]

LAST TIME ON MIGHTY MORPHIN POWER RANGERS: THE RETURN: Depressed milf Kim just got finished traumadumping onto Trini's relative Selena about all the shit that happened on the Moon 22 years ago, just to find out that this wasn't Trini's relative at all, but some mysterious white-haired witch out for revenge???? I guess it makes sense it would never be the simpler option. MMPR: The Return #3!

= So here's the reveal of the dialogue that was blacked out in the previews! Selena Repulsa, the daughter of Rita Repulsa and Lord Zedd, is official! There's something very funny about the fact that she didn't even use a fake name for her Kwan family disguise. She heard Sylvia had an S name and was like sweet, I can just play the alliteration card

= I mentioned before in the first issue that this series was already discussing the topic of secret identities in a more nuanced way than the main series' "Zordon is a tyrant for having rules" strategy so I'm happy that's being continued here. YES public use of the powers can be used for good in society but ALSO it can make it really, really, REALLY easy for your enemies to pick you off the street

= also UNCLE HOWARD SPOTTED

= YEAH BABY

= Selena is hilarious btw. YOU BUILT A BOMB AND ARE SURPRISED IT KILLED PEOPLE?

= this is Dungeon Meshi

= I already made the Paul Dano does he know?.png joke but I can't help it. It's too perfect. Alternatively: Kimberly Hart Dreamworks Face

= Zedd is noticeably less involved in this story than Rita is (as per the usual with BOOM books, admittedly) but I do like how this plan still uses him in some way. Part of me is still curious as to what Dad Zedd would have been like, though

= she's meditating, guys she's died

= he was literally born to be a girl dad and the fact that his "main universe" child is a son makes me fucking sick

= also off-subject but I see the occasional comment about how the civilian forms for these flashbacks look too young and it's like.....guys. They're only 22. If anything, drawing them like how they looked on the show is ACCURATE to their age, considering how old the actors themselves were when they were on the show kjdkfjdkfjd and anyway Dino Thunder lied to you. Tommy would absolutely be wearing tank tops as an adult. Those long sleeves were the devil's work

= I still say I don't want to get attached to any theory about Tommy and whether or not he'll end up alive but Rita seeming to be aware that he saved her daughter and getting his attention before doing the spell...........that's probably going to be important

= You guys don't understand how much I need the scene where Tommy and Kim discovered she was pregnant and the conversations they had afterwards. Every "ranger kid" story has been so bad about "what does the parent think about their kids one day inheriting their ranger powers" and The Return is the one closest to understanding this is a very logical and rational conversation to have!!!!!!!

= also Olivia was 100% unplanned this i just the vibe i get. And props to my gender-inclusive king Tommy Oliver

= "no more Power Rangers.......except my daughter who's COOL as FUCK"

[verdemoun]

I would love to hear your analysis of the themes present in RDR1+2. Ive given my analysis of Kieran (society held back by outlaws yap), but theres a lot to think about and I would love to hear your thoughts on the whole series.

been thinking about this ask a lot esp since i started playing rdr1 (while playing rdr2 as a coping mechanism for the amount of screaming and crying i've been doing at rdr1, which is not the BEST coping mechanism because i end up in tears regardless) but rdr as a whole definitely has a lot of themes going on in it. i think one of the fun parts about playing rdr is different themes and arcs stick with you at different points.

right now i'm really stuck on the redemption part of red dead redemption. who would've thunk a game called red dead redemption makes you think about redemption. because one of the messages that is really ham-fisted to us as the audience is 'nothing gets forgiven'. there's no escaping the past. the tragedy is that for our cast, the lives they live seem forced upon them.

john was never going to be a rancher. the minute he said he had two lives and he was trying to end one of them so that the other could survive, he was doomed - because as much as he tried to distance himself from person he was, it had always been him. despite everything, it's still you. he still made the choices of who to shoot and when, who to follow, who to leave behind. hosea said it: there's never really any getting out. even if they made that choice to leave, they're still the sum of the choices they've made. nothing gets forgiven, all you can do is seek redemption before your time is up.

and this is where i want to scream and cry and throw up because you know how they get redemption? through altruism. arthur was never going to find redemption for himself, he was never going to get his vacation - but he was redeemed in trying to give john a chance at redemption. abandoning gunslinging or buying beecher's hope wasn't what redeemed john - it was doing it for abigail, and to give jack a chance at a life not doomed to the same cycle he'd been in. arthur was redeemed by telling john to run, john was redeemed by making sure jack and abigail escaped.

it was so important edith downes didn't forgive arthur. redemption is not forgiveness, because acts that require redemption are not always acts that can be forgiven. you know what arthur's last ride is about? making amends with himself. not even forgiving himself for the life he'd lived, but acknowledging it and being at peace with what he was. he didn't live two lives. he didn't try escape what he was, and what he'd been. he accepted the person he was in all facets of himself and - he tried, in the end. he did.

and redemption isn't found in revenge. no matter the motives, revenge is a fool's game. arthur didn't want revenge, john did - and in seeking it, put himself on edgar ross's radar leading to his inevitable death. how many times can you scream 'no' at a screen while still thinking you're sane. 'but moss they're doomed by the narrative' i don't care. killing micah, killing edgar ross - the game is designed to make you want it: to crave revenge and be delighted that you get the chance to kill the antagonist and feel satisfied. but christ it's trying to find peace through revenge that dooms our boys. everytime i get up to the final epilogue mission i just feel sick. micah's still alive and well in my second playthrough because the credits man: the fucking brutality of seeing how neatly micah's death was the breadcrumb that lead ross straight to john's door. and jack, who had been told by every person who had ever cared about him to not become them, only realise after he's pulled the trigger and edgar ross is finally dead that he had become exactly what they didn't want him to be.

you know why we're not getting a red dead redemption 3 as jack marston? because his story is over. revenge is a fool's game, and nothing is forgiven, and there's no getting out. the only choice he has left to make in his life is to find redemption within himself before that one stupid fucking act of vengeance comes back for him.

would john kill micah if given a second chance? absolutely he fucking would, because he can justify it to himself a million times over. in every life he hears abigail sobbing for him not to go and leaves anyway. but do you think abigail could forgive john for killing micah, knowing that it would be the decision that meant she had to bury him? do you think jack could?

idk man. don't forgive, don't forget, but don't seek revenge because motives don't matter. your life is the sum of the consequences of your actions, and the reasoning behind them only matter to you when your life is over and you try to decide if you tried, in the end.

whatever trying means

[toynbeck]

could u tell me some stuff about ur ocs ? /nf

you didn't specify Who so i am picking ones i don't talk about often, *ahem*

in a world much like ours, sometime in the 2010's, magic became (or maybe always was) real. whatever mystique veil had hid these properties from humanity before had worn too thin. suddenly things like mermaids, unicorns, dragons, gryphons, vampires, you name it-- are spurring up, and their existence is slowly tearing society apart.

the history gets blurry between the beginning of the Magic Apocalypse and the year the story takes place, and it isn't really important until later- but here's what is important :

every creature tends to stick to a specific biome or region that they are from or thrive best in, with some exceptions. the one creature that is found practically everywhere and is the Most Pressing Threat to all life :

The Fae.

the fae are territorial, expanding, mysterious, and their realm bends reality itself. the main thing they are known for doing is setting up Trap Circles (of plants or various items). the consequence for crossing into "their" territory is that they must take something important to you. they'll normally let you choose, but if you try to trick them (ie: pretend something you have is important when it isn't) they will decide for you. in fact, most material items aren't Enough for them. the main thing they take from humans is body parts. but they will "generously" offer to trade you - they will take your human appendage, and replace it with an animal/creature's! (most of the time, they still cut off the limb beforehand, because the process of magically transforming a person's atoms into a different structure is so psychologically horrific and physically painful that Amputating Is Considered Merciful In Comparison..)

Now, In Roughly The 2040's, In A "Post-Apocalypse" Setting :

ELTON KYROGUE and his best friend GATOR have been playing in a two-man band named Grand Tour for the last few years. Elton sings and plays guitar (+ other stringed instruments), Gator drums and has a sickass keyboard.

Elton (he/him, 20--22 over the course of the story) is a young man with a seemingly unbreakable spirit. he believes in humanity, sometimes to a fault, but is not by any means naive. he knows that some people only want trouble- but he'd prefer to use clever tricks and schemes to make his way out of a fight.

Gator (any prns, 17--19 over the course of the story) is a crafty little guy, not much for conversation but loves people just as much as Elton does (albeit a bit more wary of them).. she likes making murals on abandoned structures as they travel, as a sort of landmark of where they've been.

the story begins with them a few months on a traveling tour, just the two of them (i call this story Grand Tour's Grand Tour.. very funny i know)

they encounter many interesting characters and places. people are attempting to rebuild society, around or alongside their magical neighbors, so there are lots of makeshift communities that range from small villages to entire functioning towns- each with their own rules, kinds of people, and ways of managing the new world. plenty of these places are delighted to have a traveling band show up, so Elton and Gator find many places to crash while bringing music to the world.

there are quite a few characters they run into (remind me later to talk about the unicorns, the cyborg-cowboy sector, dragons, and skvader, if you want..) but the two i get most excited about are..

Cowboy Dan and Domino(/Dominic).

Cowboy Dan (44, he/him) is a sphinx-like lion man who wanders the desert by himself. a bitter man whose insecurities have plagued his way of thinking, who thinks people are either evil and untrustworthy, or just plain stupid. he's also probably the world's last remaining Catholic (joking, but religion is scarce nowadays). he destroys every opportunity and relationship that comes to him with the belief that this is how people "survive". he's on the hunt to enact revenge against Dominic, but no one can ever seem to get the full story..? (note: Dan normally stands on two legs and covers up his lion body almost entirely, these are just the sketches i had on-hand haha. it's difficult for him to walk bipedal but he is Incredibly Stubborn and Clings To His Humanity For Dear Life.)

Dominic (around the same age as Cowboy Dan, he/him, referred to as "Domino" by everyone but Dan) is a donkey man (entirely donkey) who is the leader of a settlement inside an abandoned amusement park. or, atleast, everyone there insists that "Domino" is like their mayor. if you ask him, he's just "someone who likes to help out". they live an oddly comfortable life away from danger, and Elton (with some manipulation from Dan) grows to find this setup suspicious.

there's a lot more to these guys-- to all of this story, but i'll leave it at that for now ;-) im not quite done writing GTsGT, but it will be turned into a comic at some point. my plan is to first make Curtain Call, and if im done coming up with GTsGT by then- it'll be up next! if not, i have a ton of other completely finished projects on the backburner that im waiting for a good time window to create.

[natsubeatsrock]

So I Read Sexiled: My Sexist Party Leader Kicked Me Out, So I Teamed Up With a Mythical Sorceress, and…

I need a minute.

These light novel titles are too long.

Isn't there supposed to be some complaint here?

"Oh great, here comes a rant on feminism being bad."

There we go! I don't think feminism is a problem.

"See, look! He just proved he's a raging... wait, what?"

My politics have taken shape throughout the years. I've had many different views on feminism. I went from really positive to really negative. Now, I'm somewhere in the middle. However, I've come to realize the problem isn't feminism.

The problem is people being idiots.

The problem isn't that people wish for equal treatment of women. There's still a need for that push, even as society has become more accepting of women in different positions. The fact that Caitlin Clark's success was considered newsworthy is crazy for sports. However, there are ways in which women should continue to push for equal treatment.

The real problem is that the stuff some feminists fight for doesn't help feminism. It's less about equal rights and more about power grabs.

I'll explain it as I talk about these books.

Do you know those stories where Lucy gets kicked off Team Natsu? The ones we all complain about being out of character and ridiculous? The ones I made a series ragging on years back?

Sexiled is that, but unironically.

That's not even a joke.

The team that the main character is part of kicks her out. She decides she wants to get revenge on them by beating the team leader in a fight. She teams up with an ancient magical being thought dead for centuries. The demon helps unlock her special powers. She learns she didn't have to wear revealing clothing while working with her old squad.

I wish I was making this up.

I didn't even think of this until recently. I've been preparing to write about fanfics. Then I figured I should talk about this for other reasons. It was while I was thinking of how to describe this story that I realized the parallels.

I don't want that to mean that this is a bad story. In fact, this story puts even the attempts to make sense of the tropes to shame. (Yes, including mine.) This is done by doing something no one writing Fairy Tail fan fiction can do. She created a world and characters built around the concept.

Here's what I learned while talking about those stories years ago. It's not just that the tropes behind these stories in fanfiction often don't make sense with these characters. The tropes don't make sense when connected together. For example, it makes no sense for Lucy to leave the guild if she still has friends willing to associate with her. Better yet, it makes no sense for Lucy to stay on Team Natsu if she's being ignored by its members.

In Sexiled, it makes sense that Tanya wants revenge on her team. Their leader was always a sexist jerk. She was the only girl on the team. She had to work against every sexist system in place in her world to get where she was. She swallowed her pride to live a comfortable life and excel. Once it all amounted to nothing, she decided to resort to revenge against everyone.

She's not alone. Every member of her guild is, in some way, connected to a revenge story involving men or their sexist society screwing them over. My favorite example is a story involving a magic school in the first book. The gang uncovers a scandal involving weighing female applicants' scores worse than male applicants. The idea is to get less women into the school than men.

"Okay, that's ridiculous."

Look at that. It's a different hypothetical dissenting voice from the one I usually use. (I say as if I don't control either voice.) I'll bite. What's your point?

"There's no way something like that would happen in real life. If anything, schools would do the opposite to get more women in their schools."

It wouldn't shock me if that wasn't the case somewhere. There was that Supreme Court case involving Asian-American and White applicants facing discrimination at top universities in the States. I wouldn't put it past some school to be doing that for women.

There's just one problem.

This scenario actually did happen. The author based that incident on a real-life story of a school in Japan doing just that. They were found to grade female applicants harsher than male applicants. That was an inspiration for the entire series.

There is a debate as to whether feminism has gone too far. Do we still need feminism with as much progress made in the past century and change? Or has the movement always been a mistake going against the natural state of women?

For the record, it's only recently that men and women were in "traditional roles." For most of human history, men and women worked alongside each other in different roles. It wasn't until urbanization and industrialization that men worked while women stayed home. As the economy changed, it became less viable for single-earning incomes from either gender. Most families have to have both parents working full-time jobs to support themselves.

I think that there is a need for feminism in some respects. Where there are antiquated and meaningless gender barriers, they ought to be broken down. In many cases, it's not if but when they'll be broken.

My worry is that the pushes for feminism aren't winning strategies.

"Do you mean they don't promote genuine feminist goals? Or they don't win people over to feminism?"

In many cases, yes.

For example, is the Marvel comics scene better for focusing on its female characters and genderswaps of original characters? In fact, many of the old fans of these series hate the new directions of beloved characters. They're not doing well attracting new people into these comics. While there are plenty of other reasons the comics industry is in dire straits, this isn't helping them.

Aside from the quality, this isn't as empowering as it seems. I'm hardly the first to mention this. However, it's not great that the best writers can do to create female characters is copy male characters. One would hope the House of Ideas could improve, especially given their storied history. My favorite Marvel heroine spent years as an ugly mess. My favorite Marvel character was recently killed off and replaced with a female counterpart not named Gwen Poole.

{A/N: Insert commentary on the "M-She-U" here after finishing everything to come out from Marvel Studios between Wandavision and Deadpool & Wolverine.}

Feminism is at its best when it addresses systems of female oppression wherever it's found. It's at its worst when it focuses on... anything else. That might sound like an indictment of feminism. Then again, I'm reminded of JonTron's exhaustive list of things he wouldn't want his surgeon to do: anything but his surgery.

One last thing to talk about.

Is this story a power fantasy? Kind of.

Again, this isn't an insult. It's just that the average mage in the universe isn't capable of anything Tanya could do. However, she starts the series capable of high-level spells with imprecise and silent incantations. It's hard to believe she'd be kicked off any team with these levels. Anyone with their heads screwed on properly would keep her on the team for her skills.

However, that's the point. The story is built around the idea that the vast majority of people are more concerned with propagating the patriarchy than common sense. Rational people don't let gender biases get in their way. These men are not such people. In that scenario, they say that having a capable female magic student would be unfair to the boys.

Bigotry isn't just evil because it unfairly judges people for things they can't control. It goes against basic logic. People will justify not using the most qualified people for a job or treating them with basic human dignity. The sooner we agree on that, the better our world will be.

[bookaddict24-7]

REVIEWS OF THE WEEK!

Every week I will post various reviews I've written so far in 2024. You can check out my Goodreads for more up-to-date reviews HERE. You can friend me on Goodreads here.

Have you read any of these? What were your thoughts?

___

385. Always Mine by Laura Pavlov--⭐️⭐️⭐️.5

I'll admit that this was a complete cover buy for me. This was a special edition and the synopsis sounded really cute with some tropes I love, so I couldn't resist. And honestly, for the most part, I don't have any regrets.

ALWAYS MINE was one of those cute and fluffy reads that went by super quickly. The connection was already built in because of the friendship that was obviously going to turn into something more eventually. The sexual tension ramped up and we got some spicy scenes added to the mix. Overall, the writing was light, quickly paced, and kept me wanting to read the next chapter.

My issues come from some of the funnier aspects of this book. Mainly, the crying. Man, it's a good thing these characters live by a lake because damn can they cry. I'd blink and suddenly the phrase "tears streamed down [their] face" was being used. It was a very popular phrase. If I played a drinking game with this book, it would be "take a shot every time someone cries in your book." I'd be gone and drunk by the middle of the book.

Other than that, I liked the suspenseful edge to the book and how it was prominent, but didn't overtake the main storyline. I find that I really enjoy romance books like this that have that extra twist to make the story more compelling.

I loved the side characters (mainly the sisters, especially Dylan) and this book DID succeed in making me want to read the rest of the books in this series since they are all for each sister.

Though the romance was built on the back of this lifelong, will-they-won't-they best-friendship, I still found that it moved a bit fast. I wish they'd given themselves a bit more time to adjust to their new reality. But I WILL say that other than one little moment that I'll let go of because it felt very realistic, the communication between these two was great.

I know it's winter right now (in North America--Canada, in my case), but this book is an excellent romance novel to read in the middle of the night in summer--even if it takes place in winter. It just has that binge-worthy vibe that would fit best in the summer.

ALWAYS MINE was quick, cute, addictive, and didn't have a third act break-up.

___

386. My Darkest Prayer by S.A. Cosby--⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

MY DARKEST PRAYER isn't my favourite Cosby book, but it still holds that sense of exciting possibility that I'm really growing to love in his writing. That dark level of revenge, mixed with some cool action scenes, is vivid in this one and to make it even better, it's all washed in that gorgeous noir writing style that Cosby has perfected.

I thought, of all the books I've read by Cosby, the MC in this one had the most interesting job that had a lot of potential for future detective-like, high stakes mysteries. I liked the connection between the MC and his cousin and how it led to show us what certain family love looks like. The way he was pulled into the mystery was great, especially because we see him having to confront his old coworkers from when he was a police officer. Which is another thing I like about Cosby's writing--he's presented us so many different aspects and relationships Black people have with the police in all of his books. It's eye opening and so important.

I loved the female character in this because even though she's presented in a way society would deem demeaning, I loved that she owned who she was and was completely unapologetic about it. So many people tried to take her identity from her, so watching her own it was powerful. Which by the way, I didn't like how the MC revealed a dark experience of hers with someone else. It wasn't his story to tell. And that and some of the commentary on women made me uncomfortable. If there's one thing I wish Cosby did better was his treatment of female characters in his books. The one female character in here did own her identity, but I don't know if this was intentional or a positive coincidence.

Overall, I liked this for what it was and the mystery had me hooked. I think this would make a fantastic movie--especially since so many of Cosby's books feel cinematic. There was also an interesting Easter Egg in here regarding one character that appears in another book!

___

387. Fearless by M.W. Craven--⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

FEARLESS is one of those books that just scratches a specific itch in my brain that I didn't know I had. These adventure/mystery/main character hero-complex books are like honey to my bee--I can't explain why they get me every time. AND this book was self-aware? LOL. There were some very pointed comments about REACHER that had me cackling.

I also love books where the MC is severely underestimated (think John Wick) and then goes and proves everyone wrong. And since this guy is literally fearless, it made this part of the book so much better.

The story itself was fun and I liked the mystery and how it took the MC on a wild chase around the US. There were some choices that were made that made me side-eye where this story was going, but it still had some exciting and entertaining moments after the questionable situation. This could also make a great movie and you know what? I'd watch the hell out of it. Or a TV show.

What did take me out of the story was the continuous mention of a certain place. I get it from a government employee perspective because they ARE military experts, sigh, but of all the places to choose. WHICH, if I rant about this: I have read so many books that will casually drop the name of this place when you could literally pick ANYWHERE. It runs deep, even in literary works. Ugh. /endrant.

Anyway, other than that, this was an exciting story with some fun twists and some badass moments. I loved the whole concept of a fearless action-hero detective. I want to read the next one!

___

388. The Suspicion by K.A. Applegate--⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

THE SUSPICION felt like a filler book. This honestly felt like one of those books where the author needed to meet a deadline and had to have content ready for her publisher, but needed more time to cook for the main storyline. It was like a side-quest.

I liked the adventure and thought it was hilarious, but it felt like those episodes of shows that pop up just because they needed more content to appease viewers. Especially because of how over the top and ridiculous it felt. There was a moment that could have ended everything and saved the world, but of course, it's too early to end the series.

I thought it was interesting though because it shows us more alien beings not affected by the enemies of the series. It DID challenge the MCs' sense of anti-war thoughts for a bit there, though. That was interesting and made me wonder if there would be a limit at some point in the series where pragmatism would have to override their anti-war mentality. In this book, it felt like they only remembered their moral compasses near the end.

And even though this definitely felt like a filler, it made me more curious about what else we will see in this series, what other challenges the MCs will face, and how they will overcome their inability to cross that line they straddle so often. But realistically, these are children and it is a children's series. Not that I haven't read children's books that have crossed that line many times.

Onto the next one!

___

389. Lights Out by Navessa Allen--⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

If you like audiobooks and romance, do yourself the biggest bookish favour of this year and listen to this. It is absolute gold and I would recommend it to everyone who likes their romance with a lick of darkness and a lot of spice. The voice actors KILLED it and gave this book so much life.

LIGHTS OUT was absolutely hilarious. It was dark, but so completely self-aware. I had to go out and buy a physical copy because I absolutely needed this in my personal library.

One of my favourite things about this book was the cat and how he was essentially a character in his own right. He was the pride of his parents and the most welcoming little asshole to his new dad. The way the MMC talked about him made me love him even more.

This was a dark romance, but not to the extent that made me nervous. I've seen some of the dark romances out there and while this had some themes and the potential for it to be really dark, this was actually strangely wholesome? I mean, besides the stalking and murderous father, of course. I actually loved the connection between the two MCs and how much communication they had. Their reactions to certain situations were realistic and so were the moments they took to talk themselves through their emotions.

Where this book took a darker tone was so unexpected, but also entertaining. It added a whole other layer of hilarity and surprise that I was NOT expecting.

Also, please, the one-liners from the characters? Absolute gold. I'm so glad I finally gave this one a shot and I absolutely can't wait for book two! This is definitely one of my favourite books on the year.

___

390. Brother Odd by Dean Koontz--⭐️⭐️⭐️

BROTHER ODD is not my favourite book in this series so far, simply because I thought it felt a bit…boring and long-winded. It also felt a bit random and I had to check to see if I had missed a book between the last one and this one. Regardless, I thought it was interesting and had it's entertaining moments, especially the paranormal turn it took. That aspect alone makes me excited to see what else Koontz puts into this series.

I loved that grief was more explored in this, especially since it was one of my comments about the last book. I definitely think Odd is experiencing the different stages of grief with these last two books. This one felt like Odd was definitely caught more in his grief and wasn't numb anymore. And it was certainly interesting seeing that grief manifest itself both through his abilities and how it affected those around him.

I liked that he was outside of his small town and bodes well for the rest of the series. While I liked the little town that the first two books took place in, I also know that I'm in for some entertaining adventures as Odd makes his way through his road trip. He both needs to experience that outside world he felt so apathetic towards in the past, and needs to learn more about his abilities and what else exists out there.

I also like his sassiness. I always like Odd's sassiness and how it comes out of nowhere, or in the most inappropriate times. Makes me think a lot of how this was a characteristic of so many main characters in the early 2000s, especially in this genre of fiction.

I want to read the next book because I want to know what else Odd experiences! Hopefully the next book is a bit more exciting (even though this one had some creepy and unique situations).

___

391. Ends of the Earth by Keira Andrews--⭐️⭐️

I LOVE this author, but this was probably the weakest one for me so far. It lacked that sense of urgency I sometimes get with her writing, which leads to me binge reading it (which I usually do with her work, but this one just didn't grip me the same way).

I liked the characters, but this was one of those insta romances that was a little hard for me to swallow. I get that surviving a horrible situation can bond people--much like we've seen in other books by Andrews, but this one lacked a bit of believability for me. I couldn't wrap my head around the immediate attraction that led to such intense feelings and, technically, sacrifices from the characters after they spent the majority of their adult lives not wanting to do the very things they suddenly decide to do for each other. There is a lot of potential here, but it was just all so quick. I think if this book was a bit longer; if the story had cooked some more, it would have held more of an emotional punch, which is what I usually love about Andrews's books.

I love a good age gap romance and save for some side-eye worthy moments, I liked this aspect of the story.

ENDS OF THE EARTH took a bit to get to the main event, which is fine because we're building those connections and setting those scenes, but then it was over quicker than I was expecting--which isn't a bad thing, but this added to the sense that this book just had a slight problem with pacing. I wish we got to see the two MCs together as a couple for longer than just that happy ending. I want to care for them and connect with them, but it just didn't feel like it was long enough for me to love them.

i think thats the main issue--it was too quick. I wanted more. And while I enjoyed this story for what it was, I think it could have been more. I'll still check out more of Andrews's work because she's still one of my favourites, but this one was a little bit disappointing.

___

392. Lost & Lassoed by Lyla Sage--⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️.5

Lyla Sage does it again with another cute addition to this wonderfully satisfying series! I must have the next book. I MUST HAVE IT.

One of the things i love about this series is how low-angst/low drama the stories are by the end. I can just enjoy them knowing that these characters won't be idiots when it comes down to it and there isn't a third act breakup waiting for me. I just want a love story--whether it's an enemies to lovers or something else--that is simple and enjoyable, and this delivered.

I knew sparks would fly between these two characters because we've known since book one that they "hated" each other. For a good chunk of the first half of the book, we see this animosity in effect--almost to a detrimental level? The MMC was really mean. His judgment of the FMC had my hackles up for a bit and it took me out of the story a bit. But I did like seeing how the relationship between the two characters changes as the story progresses and I like that though this is a short novel, it still takes its time in growing this relationship organically.

The MMC's daughter is adorable and I loved the relationship she has both with her dad and with the FMC. Which brings me to how much I loved the FMC. She loves her best friend and the people she cares for so fiercely, that it immediately endeared me to her. I also felt her emotions of how she felt so forgotten while everyone around her experienced such big changes. I think one of the reasons why I liked her so much was because of how honest Sage was in writing her character and her conflicted emotions. Also, that battle of "what will I do with my life?" runs super deep. Of all the FMCs in this series so far, she's my favourite.

Finally, this was SPICY. Holy crap. It wasn't dark romance spicy, but for a traditionally published contemporary western romance? Phew. Yes, ma'am, get your man. I had to wave my hand in front of my face.

I know the next book will probably be the last in this series, but I will be so sad to see it end. I love these characters and their simple but comforting lives in their small town.

___

Happy reading!

[drifting-pieces-blog-blog]

Breaking down the comics: Not your fault

Moon Knight, Issue 17: Master Sniper's Legacy! 

This is a Marc Spector rage story. 

So the comic opens at Grant mansion and we see Marc training Marlene in a sparring match. 

And I say Marc, because Steven doesn't strike me as the type. Marc was more about combat styles. 

We see him take her down easily and then tease her a little. 

Samuels, the butler, interrupts saying that someone is there to see Marc and is claiming he's an old friend. 

Cheeky Marlene grabs his leg and takes him down easily and teases him right back. It's cute. It's fun. 

The man walks in, "Excuse me--you're calling yourself Steven Grant these days, aren't you?" 

"Among other things, Benjamin--How on earth did you track me down here?" 

Benjamin is a member of Mossad Israeli Secret service. An agency that once hired Marc Spector (among many). They are responsible for intelligence, counter-terrorism, and covert operations. 

He tells Marc about a new secret society "The Followers of Nimrod Strange" who has an arm of "Third World Slayers". They work the extreme leftist and rightist terrorists groups, put everyone against one another and bring down countries. 

He shows them a picture of Nimrod Strange, a man that has worked with the hand, hydra, and various other terrorist organizations. 

"He is surrounded at all times by 3 beautiful women [...] always high trained in the lethal trade of terror." 

He also has a right hand man "Master Sniper". 

He tells Marc that the followers are about to strike, but the CIA is playing dumb and refusing to recognize them as a real threat. 

He asks Marc to deliver a sensitive message to someone in Switzerland. 

Marc refuses, "I've tried to put the Marc Spector days behind me." 

He hardly gets out the refusal when suddenly Benjamin is shot in the back! 

Benjamin is dead and Moon Knight runs out to try and catch the sniper. 

Moon Knight tussles with him and gets shot. Just before he's finished off, Marlene runs out and the sniper takes off. 

Moon Knight has been shot and Frenchie runs to him. He looks pretty traumatized and frozen in place. 

In fact, Marlene has to snap him out of it. 

We have to remember that Frenchie has been a part of a lot of wars and was there when Marc was originally killed. I really do wish we got to see more of Frenchie dealing with his own trauma. Of him talking to Marc about it and perhaps them helping one another. 

Cut to the hospital and we see Detective Flint asking Steven about the shooting. 

'Steven' denies knowing anything other than that Benjamin was his friend and someone killed him. 

Flint dismisses it as a Millionaire being boastful. 

Cut to the leader, Commander Strange, watching his bodyguard girls fight. One of them has performed poorly and he decides to replace her. (this comes back in the next issue) 

Back at the hospital, Frenchie and Marlene go to pick up 'Steven'. 

"I'm concerned, Frenchie--Steven's spent his entire hospital stay stewing in obsession, talking about nothing but vengeance." 

They find 'Steven' inside, still in a terrible mood and talking about revenge. He wants every window in his mansion replaced with bullet proof glass and to ensure his staff is safe. 

He also demands a ticket on the next flight to Switzerland to track down the person Benjamin wanted Marc to find. 

"Steven, the doctor told you to rest..." 

"I made a vow and I'm going to keep it! I'll rest on the stinking plane!" 

No one in this image is happy. But especially look at Marlene as she realizes that she’s full on dealing with Marc Spector right now. She has never been a Marc fan and it shows the most right here. 

"Steven Grant has just checked out of the hospital--and Marlene knows, Marc Spector has just checked into his skull. Welcome back." 

Welcome back indeed. What’s interesting is that when Marc gets like this (guilt driven and full of rage), he runs the show. He’s in full charge and Jake and Steven can only step back fully and let him drive. 

Marc is in a 'controlled fury' back at the mansion, pissed that his friend died right in front of him while asking for his help. 

Marlene reveals that while they were trying to help Benjamin, they found a secret hidden message on him that's in code. 

They've been trying to decipher it for three weeks. 

Marc takes the team to Switzerland. 

"Marc Spector must go a hunting tonight." 

“No guilt engraved on my face…” 

Trying not to raise suspicions, but also… how often do you think Marc fears that people will see how guilty he is? Does he think that people look at him and only see a killer all the time? 

He heads to the morgue and breaks into the file room. Mostly this is us taking a peak at how easily Marc is able to blend into places and collect what he needs. 

He finds the info he needs and manages to contact the guy Benjamin was sending him to meet. 

They arrange to meet up at the ski lodge. 

Marc heads out to meet him and leaves the secret message with Marlene and Frenchie, warning them to watch out for the sniper, who may be after them. 

While out, Marc is taken into a car at gunpoint. 

"We are concerned men, Mr. Spector. [...] Your past, Mr. Spector, precedes you. Mercenary without a soul, soldier of fortune motivated only by greed... You are a perfect candidate for recruitment by the third world slayers." 

Wrong thing to say to Marc. 

He kicks their asses. 

"Now Freeze! I'm on your side, Strelgov! Benjamin Abramov was one of my best friends! I watched him die!"

Marc has never taken loss well. 

They tell Marc that the organization is set out to strike all over the world soon and cause major war. They also say they cannot trust him, he could be working for Commander Strange. 

And then the Sniper strikes, taking out one of them. 

Marc has them seek shelter and tosses them the gun. He's going after Sniper himself. 

Moon Knight tackles the Sniper and nearly has him, but then a series of unfortunate events befalls him. 

Face down on the ground again. I should have started a counter. 

He falls off a chasm but manages to save himself with his cape. Sniper now goes after Marlene and Frechie. 

Marlene and Frenchie just barely manage to escape while Moon Knight at last captures Sniper. 

Marc delivers the message to the other man and asks where Marc is heading next. 

"Jerusalem.." 

"Where Abramov lived." 

"And where his widow still grieves."

Cut to Jerusalem where Marc is comforting the widow in a cemetery. 

She begs Marc for vengeance. To do it for Benjamin and for her. 

Marc promises. 

A CLIFF HANGER?! 

So this story really drills home how angry Marc is. How he's easy to rage and hurt an violence and swearing for revenge. 

Mostly, it shows how he takes everything so personal. How he views things as his fault so he has to seek revenge to make up for his failures. 

It's not that Marc is blood thirsty or happy to be violent, though he would have you think that he craves it. 

It's just that it's Marc's go to form of self defense from complicated feelings and pain and loss. 

You have to wonder how many people and friends Marc has lost in the military and as a mercenary. 

How many times he watched someone die that he felt he should have saved.

One other thing to mention, Moon Knight is the only comic I’ve read that shows the main character being injured and put in the hospital for a considerable amount of time. 

3 weeks after being shot. In a later comic, we even see Moon Knight be put in a wheelchair and have to go through rehab/PT. 

I enjoy seeing our man not be invulnerable. It’s already a comic about a character that comes to us injured in many ways. Seeing him be vulnerable and face injuries and other issues really does bring it all together. Maybe he can’t die, but he’s always at risk for falling apart one way or another. 

This particular comic does hurt a bit when you look past a lot of things and see a man in pain at the loss of his friend, terrified to lose his other friends, and feeling as if he was the one that killed him. 

I wish his support system actually supported HIM. Steven and Jake have support, but when Marc shows up, no one wants him around. 

Marc is the one that is a pain to be around. The only one that is happy to work with him and see him is Frenchie and Frenchie doesn’t talk to him about their past. They both hold their pain and pretend it doesn’t exist util it comes back and crashes into them. 

Marc shouldn’t have to be forced to pretend that he doesn’t exist. He shouldn’t have to be quiet about the loss of his friend. He shouldn’t have to go let a widow cry on his shoulder and tell him that she’s sorry he lost his friend. 

He should have been embraced from the start. Is it any wonder that the man is filled with anger? He has no idea how to direct his emotions. He just funnels it all into anger and pain. 

He apologizes. Not the “I’m sorry for your loss”. She finishes it for him but we all know that wasn’t what he was apologizing for. 

[whoredmode]

If no one's sent it yet, let's see 10 for the Boss ask meme.

⚜ Saints Row Bosses Ask Meme ⚜

10. How has your Boss changed throughout the games/years?

ohhh i feel like this will get. long. i’m assuming this question is more focused on an in-character perspective and less so on how he changed as player character in a game? so i’m gonna be talking about how he changes in his canon.

anteros was someone who felt neglected by society at large; with both of his parents arrested and him stuck being passed around from home to home at a young age, he grew cynical of the world around him. but he latched onto this idea that being rich and famous would be the thing to save him. that becoming Someone in this world was the ultimate goal. and in that way, he was kind of a loner. he’d been on his own for so long, he just assumed he’d reach the top that way too. he loved attention, and he loved using it for his own means.

so fast forward to the summer of 2006. anteros is a very popular stripper, but he’s still largely living out of his car. then one night, he just so happened to be walking by when he has an actual near-death experience, then out of the chaos comes julius and troy. he joins the saints because, despite having dozens of eyes on him every night, when julius looked at him, it was like someone saw him for the first time. whether he wanted to admit it or not (and he would not), anteros at this point was fairly gullible if you said the right things. there was a part of him that considered himself smarter than everyone, even though he really wasn’t. nothing worse than a guy who thinks he’s several steps ahead when he actually hasn’t moved at all.

but it’s during this era that one of the most crucial things about anteros comes out: he’s made genuine connections. these are people in similar situations to him, and he’s so happy to have known them. dex in particular; he’s fallen so, so deeply in love with him. he’s practical and honest and keeps him grounded in a way he’s never had anyone do before. he’s such a perfect complement to him that anteros really does finally feel a sense of purpose.

then. well. it all blows up in face. literally. five years pass while he’s in a coma and everything changes. suddenly stilwater is so different, so unfamiliar that he briefly wonders if he’s even in the same place at all. but despite the physical changes to stilwater (and himself), surely this must mean his friends are still okay, right? RIGHT? which brings forth one of the central internal conflicts he has at this point: he’s can’t accept this drastic of a change. anteros was someone who, at his core, lived for pleasure. and when there’s this large of a shift in that……he doesn’t exactly handle it well. but this is why people like johnny and aisha and troy are really important to him at this point: they symbolize that, in his mind, he can go back to how things were. even better for him, he can get more money and be more showy about it. but again this brings up another issue of, well, you can’t go back to the way things used to be. the past is the past.

i’ll save you the trouble of having to read a play-by-play of my canon, so i’ll just fast-forward and say: dex betrays anteros and escapes while anteros vows to get revenge.

then several years pass and the saints are celebrities. by this point, anteros is in his early-to-mid 30s and, in comparison to his old self, has mellowed out a ton. but regardless, he’s finally made it, right? he’s finally rich and famous, just like he always dreamed of being. everyone knows his name. but why does it feel this way? why are his issues not fixed? did he not just achieve his life goal?

anteros is faced with the possibility that maybe…he was wrong about what he wanted. that no amount of money in the world can bring back the people he cared about. the people that actually gave him a sense of purpose. no amount of cash or clout can heal the wounds of being betrayed by dex. but then, as his story progresses (again sparing you my long rewritten canon), he learns he can finally see dex again and finish things. because that’s what he always wanted, right? (spoilers: no).

there’s a lot to him and i feel like i’ve rambled long enough, but basically anteros was happiest when he’d actually let himself make genuine human connections to the original saints back in 2006, and he clings to the past way more than he’d like to admit. he loves his friends, what can he say? and a large part of his personal journey is just reckoning with and accepting the fact that you cannot change the past, no matter how haunted you are by it, and that sometimes you will just never get closure.

this isn’t even getting into the larger themes of the series itself (which, to be clear, anteros is 100% affected by); this is just a part of his overall character. honestly one day i would love to write a much longer essay/retrospective on the themes of the series and how it affects the cast, as well as the environmental storytelling of the first two games, but all that is for another time.

also by SRTT anteros got pinkish-purple contacts he wears sometimes so. that’s a change right.

[gingernut1314]

Cold

Summary: Dio has been defeated and Speedwagon is left alone with a wounded Jonathan. He should tend to Jonathan's wounds immediately, but a phantom from the past comes walking towards him.

Content: Oc x Speedwagon, Speedwagon's pov, this is a part of a slowly growing larger series, takes place during JJBA part 1 (ep. 3 - slightly into 4, spoilers about Stone Mask and Dio), mention of death and light descriptions of it, fear of death, blood, unrequited love, "who did this to you" trope, unhealthy relationship (dio x oc), suggested to read after Companion and main series but doesn't really happen until later in oc's story

Word Count: 2.9K

Setlist: Speedwagon x Elise

Tag list: @cinnbar-bun

A/N: They have been on my mind too much recently and I really reallyyy wanted to write this angsty scene cause I love angst too much ugh. I forgot how much I love Elise and Speedwagon so I hope to maybe get some more out with them. I hope you all enjoy!

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Speedwagon thought some sort of phantom was walking their way over the grassy field just beside the burning Joestar manor. 

No, not a phantom. It was a reaper come to take the souls of all those that had perished in the slaughter that had occurred here tonight. Come to guide them afterlife awaits them. 

The reaper was awash in white from its skin, to its long curtain of hair which cascaded down its back, even to the dress it wore. 

Maybe it was a phantom. Some lady in white. The phantom's eyes were as hallow as a spirits might be. Looked as lost as a phantom would.

The front of its nightdress dress, he noticed the closer the phantom grew, was covered in a deep, red stain. It was a shocking color against the snow-white paleness of the rest of it. A color that not only covered its dress, but its hands and feet and face. A color that had even stained the ends of its hair. 

It was a color he had seen so much of tonight. A color he had seen too much of in his life.

Blood. 

This was no reaper come to claim souls. It was no sorrowful phantom. 

This was a revengeful specter. 

A bloodthirsty creature he recognized instantly as Elise Pendleton. 

He hadn’t seen her in years. Hadn’t seen her in over eight years. Not since her father sent for her to come back home here in Liverpool. 

He had written to her every week. He had even gone to her aunt for help in perfecting his handwriting and spelling just so he could keep talking to her. He had missed her the moment she had left and needed to hear from her.

But she had stopped responding to him about a month or two after that. Had gone utterly quiet. 

The few letters before that had been short and curt. Vague. Not full of the love and care they had usually held. 

The handwriting had been sloppy and rushed like she had better things to be doing. 

And when she stopped writing back it had hurt. More than hurt. It had broken his heart which he had let grow too fragile when it came to her. A heart he found, despite his better judgment, had grown to only beat for her.

But he understood. 

She was a lady of high society, even when she tried to deny it. A lady who would marry some lord and live in luxury. She would mother a rug rat or two. Would knit and sew and attend lavish balls. 

And Speedwagon…he was just a common thug. Nothing more than street trash who would more likely than not die before he ever reached the age of thirty.

She was better than him and had wasted more time on him than she should have. 

It had hurt but he had understood. 

But now--now he was seeing her again and she looked--horrifying. Like some goddess of death. 

And yet Speedwagon saw her still shining in her eyes. Saw the wounded animal that she hid so well from the world, but could never hide from him. The same wounded animal he had seen during their first meeting. Someone who, despite her sharp tongue and well-placed masks, was terrified. Terrified of life and death and the very world itself. 

He still saw that even when she looked like a demon came straight from hell. 

“Elise,” He called as her bare feet padded soundlessly over the wet stone that made up part of the front lawn. 

She didn’t look at him. Didn’t even seem to hear him as her blank, green eyes stuck onto the fire still engulfing the Joestar’s manor. 

Speedwagon grit his teeth as he turned his gaze back onto his friend, who was bleeding out all over the stone. Whose skin was blistered and scorched from the fight he had just won. 

Jonathan needed help. He needed a doctor instantly but--

“Hold on a bit longer,” Speedwagon spoke to his unconscious friend, pushing himself to his feet. He held his broken arm, which throbbed painfully from such sudden movements. He swallowed down his pain and pushed on. 

It was secondary at this point. 

Not as important as Jonathan. 

Not as important as her.

Rain continued to fall, though now just a drizzle of its former self. He could tell Elise hadn’t been out in it for too long, her hair only damp from where it was stained red. 

“Elise.” He called again, finding she had come to a stop all too close to the burning manor. “What are you doing out here? You’re going to catch your death.” The dress she wore was too thin, near transparent in the firelight. It was met for warm nights. For sleep not rainy nighttime walks.

But that wasn’t what Speedwagon was truly concerned about. Not when he, now only an arm's width away from her, could tell just how much blood she was covered in. 

It had to be gallons.

“Are you hurt? Tell me if you’re hurt.” He tried again only to still receive no response. He tried to find where she might be bleeding from. It would explain the paleness of her skin. Skin which had once flushed with such life but now looked as cold as marble. 

But no matter how many times he scanned her over, he could not find even a single paper cut. 

“Whose blood is that? Elise?” He reached his uninjured hand out to grab hold of her shoulder. To make her face him, but as soon as his skin brushed over the exposed skin of her shoulder, his breath was stolen from him.

Cold. Too cold. 

Cold like ice.

Cold like death. 

He’d only ever felt this kind of cold on those who had died. 

It made him think of his mother. 

He hadn’t thought of his mother in ages. Could hardly even remember her but what he did remember was that utter cold. The cold of her skin as he had curled into her side without knowing she was gone.

A horrible horrible thought crossed his mind then. One he didn’t want to acknowledge. Didn’t want to face the utter truth of it. 

Panic ceased Speedwagon’s heart. Ceased it and squeezed it so tight he thought he might kneel over and die right there.

He frantically grabbed up her blood-covered cheeks in his palms, turning her away from the fire so that all she could look at was him. He didn’t even feel the pain in his arm screaming at him as he moved it--he didn’t care. Couldn’t care. He held her face and caressed her skin as if he could transfer his living warmth into her. 

“Elise--Elise, what happened?” He stressed, leaning down so he could peer more closely into her eyes, which seemed to be looking at nothing. Eye which were just so devoid of everything that had been good and--and human about her.

“I don’t know.” Her voice was just as hollow as her eyes.

“Well think, Elise. Please. How--how--who did this to you? Whose blood is this?” Speedwagon pet over the side of her face, brushing bits of hair from it as he did. Tried to comfort her. To let her know it was okay to tell him. That she could tell him anything. 

“Father came home. Everyone was so quiet. I can’t--I was so starved.” Speedwagon knew for certain then what had happened and it made the blood in his veins run cold. 

He knew then her father must have come home to find his staff torn apart and drained of every last drop of blood they possessed like some animal had broken in. That her father had come home and had met an unseemly end just as they had. Just as the commissioner and his officers had here. 

He could only hope her younger sister and Jonathan’s sweetheart had escaped, though in his despair he knew to not hold such hope.

He held his breath as he moved his thumb over her lips. Held his breath and resorted to prayer in hopes he was completely wrong. 

He pulled at her bottom lip and felt his frozen heart plummet into her stomach at what he found.

“He--he used that mask on you.” Speedwagon’s voice came out broken as he gazed at the delicate fangs that had replaced her upper and lower canines. A voice that came out strangled thanks to the tightness growing in his throat--thanks to the further breaking of his heart.

Fear shot past the blankness of her eyes. Such guttural fear he had never seen her show him. 

“Death, death, death--” Her voice was strained as she spoke, cold fingers crawling at his own. Grabbing onto them like he could save her from this fate. He held her tight, eyes burning with tears he had not shed in years. Hadn’t shed since he was a child--had refused to shed since then. “Death was there. Death--it came for me. Oh god, it came for me. It had me.” She spiraled, voice breaking further until it bubbled in a sob. “It had me, it had me.” 

“I know--I know, Elise. I--” 

What could he do? What could he do? 

He could do--nothing.

Elise was gone. 

She was no longer human. Death had come for her. Death had taken her. And now--now she was this creature suspended between life and death.

He had done this. That Dio. He had done this to her. 

He didn’t know why he had. Hadn’t even known Elise had known him, but--no he knew that to be untrue. 

She had written about him. About a boy that the Joestars adopted. One she told him her sister believed to be the devil himself. 

One he was starting to believe in his heart, no matter how much it hurt, she had sought out. One that had caused her letters to him to stop. 

Speedwagon should have tried harder to reach her. Should have made the trip to visit her because maybe--maybe she would still be breathing if he had. Maybe he could have kept that devil away from her. 

The groan of wood and the crashing of walls falling in on themselves sounded, ceasing Elise’s sobs and turning her gaze from him. 

“Where is he?” 

“Gone. He can’t hurt you anymore.” He tried to ease, but Elise gave a soul-stilling cry. 

“No-no! Where is he?” Speedwagon--he didn’t quite understand. Dio had done this horrible, awful thing to her. Had killed her and yet--yet she was searching for him. Was crying for him. 

Maybe he was--maybe he was wrong. Maybe he was finally wrong about someone's character. About how they truly were feeling. 

Yes, yes he had to be. He was just tired and his arm was killing him. 

He was wrong about what he was seeing in front of him.

“Elise, he is gone. Burning to ash as we speak. His soul will be dragged to hell for what he has done.” Speedwagon seethed, trying to grab for Elise once more. To try and keep her mind away from Dio and all his evil. To try and shield her from it all.

Elise gave yet another mournful cry, shoving him away. It was a strength Speedwagon was surprised she possessed. A strength that had him stumbling back, too stunned to think of anything past his confusion. Past his slowly shattering heart.

“No! No, no, no!” She screamed at the fire. “He cannot die. He will not die. It was not in his future--the cards do not lie. It is not true.” She clawed at her chest like the pain she was feeling was physical. Clawed at her skin to the point she drew blood. 

He vaguely remembered her interest in the occult past her shouting and crying. Vaguely thought of the deck of tarot cards her aunt had gifted her long before he had first met her. Cards Speedwagon had always been leery of whenever she handled them.

“He is a god. He cannot die. He--he is my savior, he is my protector, he is my lord. He gifted me eternal life. He promised death would not find me any longer. He--he is not dead.” Tears streamed down her face like some sort of waterfall. Fast tears that seemed to have no end in sight. 

Speedwagon could only stand and watch her in utter shock. Stand and watch the insanity she was spewing. Insanity he hadn’t seen. Insanity… insanity had had chosen not to see.

Savior. 

Dio wasn’t her savior. Speedwagon was her savior. He had been her savior when they first met and would always be her savior. He had vowed to keep her safe from all harm that would wish to come for her.

And yet--yet he had failed in doing so. Had failed so completely he had lost her. Lost the girl he loved. 

“E-Elise?” He tried, voice just as completely broken as his heart, but she was too far gone. She could no longer hear him. Could no longer see him. All that her mind and soul would think of was that bastard Dio. 

Silence befell her. Silence as another bit of the manor fell in on itself with a wicked scream. 

Calm feel over her. Such an eery calm compared to the bout of hysteria she had expressed.

And before he could even blink, she was rushing into the flames. 

Speedwagon gave a strangled cry, feet finally moving as he made to rush after her but a small hand grabbed a fistful of his jacket, yanking him back. 

If it hadn’t been the broken arm the hand had grabbed hold of, he knew he would have been able to fight against the weak grip. But it was as if the master of that hand knew just where to grab to get him to stop. 

“Do not be a fool.” A gentle, yet firm voice shouted to him.

“She--she’ll burn if I do not--”

“Let her burn.” Those words, which were full of nothing but ire, had Speedwagon turning to face the voice. He found a petite woman there, her kind face something that did not match the loathing in her voice for Elise. She looked a bit like Elise--she had the same shade of green eyes. The same nose and jaw, but the resemblance ended there. 

Speedwagon noted she was injured. Noted the deep cut on her forehead, the bruising along her arms, and the bandages wrapped around her neck, which red had just begun to seep through. 

“My sister has always been a foul creature. She hid it well and tricked many poor fools just like she did you. Dio only made her worse and used that mask to finally bring that monster fully to the surface.” This was Erina. This was Elise’s younger sister. A girl she said meek and shy and hardly ever talked of to him. Speedwagon should have been relieved to see she survived, but all he could think of was Elise burning alive. 

Erina seemed to see his thoughts and gave his injured arm another yank. 

“She was a demon. It was only natural for her to find the devil and go hand in hand to his burning domain with him.” 

“You’re--you’re wrong.” Erina shook her head in pity at him. 

“Believe what you will. I wish your faith in her had been strong enough to change her.” Erina's voice deepened to something mournful. “I loved her too. We are blood…but Cain murdered Abel despite that same fact, just as she has killed our father. God is the only one who can judge her soul.” 

Speedwagon did not trust God. He never had, not when he had seen all he had seen in his life. Not when he had lost so much. And he found he wanted the God Erina spoke of far away from Elise. 

He turned his gaze from Erina to look back at the fire. To search desperately for Elise’s form. 

“Let me set your shoulder back and then you will help me bring Jonathan to the hospital.” Erina’s voice turned sweet. Speedwagon could tell she didn’t like being so hateful. Could tell she wanted her sister to have changed. He could tell she was only trying to help ease his hurting soul. “Come now. If we do not get Jonathan to a hospital I fear the worst.” 

He sat down, eyes turning back to the fire as he allowed her to set his shoulder as she had requested. 

Speedwagon had always prided himself on being able to see people's true selves. On being able to sniff out the good from the bad. It was a skill he had been born with and one he had perfected. And yet--

Yet he had been wrong about Elise. 

He had seen it burning in her eyes when they first might. Seen that will to survive. Saw that she would do anything to do so and yet he had ignored it because he saw everything else that was good about her. 

And he wanted to be wrong. He wanted to be so wrong because she was beautiful and the longer he hung around her the more he fell for her. 

He had thought maybe--maybe she had loved him too. 

Had he been wrong about that too?

As he dragged Jonathan’s body away from his burning home, he knew he would never know the answer.

[catofadifferentcolor]

Assassin’s Creed: Revelations

"To say that Nothing is True, is to realize that foundations of society are fragile and that we must be the shepherds of our own civilization. To say that Everything is Permitted is to understand that we are the architects of our own actions and we must live with their consequences, whether glorious or tragic."

As I’ve been reading a lot about the Crusades recently, it seemed a natural progression to try playing Assassin’s Creed for the first time since the franchise began a decade and a half ago.

And I honestly can't think of anything to say other than I am in love.

Don't get me wrong - I adored AC2 with an immediate, earnest passion that I've only felt a handful of other times in my life. I loved ACB as well - not in the same way, perhaps, but in the way someone might love what in retrospect felt a little like an extended AC2 DLC. But from the moment Assassin's Creed: Revelations started to the bitter end, I was in love.

Part of this was the opening, which hit hard on all the right emotional notes, and the first memory sequence, which was just enough tutorial to suit without twisting itself into knots to explain why the Master Assassin and Mentor of the Brotherhood needs a refresher. And when Ezio does have to learn new skills, it was handled pitch-perfectly with Yusuf acting like the beloved nephew teaching his favorite uncle how to use some newfangled bit of tech. (Ultimately, it was this addition of new skills which sets ACR above ACB rather than the leap forward in graphics, making everything new and exciting. Everything about ACR was new and exciting and fresh in a way most fourth installments of a series lack, and there was no end of squee during my play through.)

It has its faults - the Den Defense was something I never figured out, as somehow nothing I ever did seemed to work no matter how far ahead I was when the Templars started rolling siege equipment through the streets of Constantinople, which stretches credulity. Yusuf's death hurt and had an air of pointlessness to it that really twisted the knife when Ezio just addressed his replacement as Assassin instead of so much as a name. The switch of Eagle Vision from Y to LS on Xbox tripped me up for a good third of the game, and while I liked the upgraded Eagle Vision in general, it did take me longer than I'd like to realize you had to hover over each target with the cursor rather than automatically find the gold one.

And yet, I loved it. I loved it so much that I played the last few memory sequences at a crawl, for as desperate as I was to know what happened next, I didn't want it to be over. I didn't want my time with Ezio to end. His story arc was practically perfect in every way, as was the addition of Altair's later memories to reinforce everything Ezio was feeling and thinking, and the idea of giving him up hurt. It still hurts. There's a part of me that wants to go back and replay all the Ezio trilogy even as the rest of me wants to know what happens in AC3.

Hell, I've even dragged my heels writing this review because it felt too much like closure.

Ezio is one of those video game characters that comes around so rarely I honestly can't think of an adequate comparison. It's rare you get a character that accomplishes so much while still seeming human - trying, failing, making mistakes, trying again. On the face of it he should be a ridiculous stereotype, and yet he's anything but. His whole story arc of setting aside revenge, of realizing he will never have all the answers he seeks... it is beautiful and poignant and I'm more than a little in love with him. (And, no, it's not fair he somehow managed to get hotter for ACR, and there are things I didn't need to know about myself, thank you very much.)

Hell, I fell a little bit in love with all the characters we got more than five seconds with. Yusuf was bright and brilliant and deserved better. Clay was - well, I don't have words beyond wishing to have seen more of him. Sophia was someone I could honestly see Ezio retiring to be with. Altair was a delightful treat to see again. And Desmond... well, I really wish his memories were actually playable, as I got so nauseated trying to fall correctly at the end of the second one that I had to lay down in the dark for about an hour after.

That may honestly be my biggest complaint - Desmond's memories were something you could skip over. (Something you had to skip over if you wanted to keep your lunch.) I think if they had found a way to incorporate that into conversations with Clay on Animus Island instead of monologues in confusing first person settings without clear goals I would have had to give this game an 11 out of 10.

ACR is a game I came out of with a lot of feels, nearly all of them positive. It was a fun game that was just challenging enough to feel like completing parts of it was an accomplishment without the utter frustration that came from Leonardo's flying machine in AC2 and ACB. As sad as I am to give up Ezio, it was a worthwhile conclusion to his story, and now that I've had nearly a week to mourn I'm ready to move on to AC3. But I'll definitely be coming back to replay this one. 5 out of 5 stars, cannot recommend enough.

[brutus-the-skulldog]

So I had a durge.

And so here I am now. Explaining my silly little fantasy world.

I have been working my ass off writing this thing and I'm really proud of it:3 imma explain/summarize every book/story for the people that will listen:D

Here's a little backstory because it's very important (I'll make a character post separately)

This entire story line thing was inspired by a school I went to and it kinda started the entire thing. It was a religious school that fucked me up frfr so I decided to cope by making a silly thing out of it:3 The world is in the year 3000 and is ruled by one family of rich people (eat the rich) who had a son who was said to inherit the rule. But they found out that he was gay so, being rich people, They made an entire school for people like him So that they can fix him and the other people. (This kids name is Maxwell btw)

1st book

(Gothic horror/magic/murder mystery/twisted romance??)

The story starts out with the mc Canine by explaining how he was going down the wrong path (addiction n shit like that) after his younger sister canceled her subscription to life. During this time his father who was a minister at the local church sent him and his brother off to a boarding school full of people like them. This is where the found family dynamic starts to come in but soon, people start to go missing and ominous letters from the outside start to come in. It's up to the people remaining to find out what's going on before no one is left to find out.

2nd book

(anarchy/gay/dystopian/magic)

Canine and Maxwell but they are all grown up and Maxwell has the throne now. Canine is Maxwell's right hand man and closest friend. But, Canine is living a double life as he is a part of a anti-dictater organization under the wing of Maxwell's sister, Maxine. This organization is regarded as terrorists to the public due to their attempts to assassinate Maxwell. Canine is also dealing with not remembering his past due to a chip implanted in his brain by Maxwell's family. The organization has a goal to dismantle the society that they reside in, so, they hatch a plan that takes months to perform. One thing after another, it's all in ruin. Canine is left with deathly wounds and nowhere to go but the forest miles and miles away.

3rd book

(mystery/gay/run away/suspense/supernatural/magic)

Canine wakes up in a medical tent with a familiar face treating his wounds. He can't exactly explain to himself where the face is from. But the face helps him to heal and get back into society step by step. But this person has a dark life, living with their abusive partner. Canine wants to help them get away so after a brutal fight they run away together. But their partner runs the city and wants them to come back, so they send out hitmen and PIs to track them down. Bla bla bla the chip from 2nd book is removed and he remembers who the face is, and omg, it's his lover from 1st book (his name is Lyrus). Canine uses his past to aid in the take down of Lyrus's partner.

4th book

(gay/recovery/supernatural/magic/tbd)

After the take down of Lyrus's partner, Canine and him start recovering from their previous trauma with therapy and whatnot. At the same time, they start dating and making friends. One of these friends (she's from 3rd book and she has a pet raccoon:D) is a journalist that is struggling to find stories so she reached out to Canine and Lyrus to help. They become amateur detectives and they start busting crime rings. But this reminds Canine of his past, which permits him to visit the ruins of his old home. Lyrus follows him and finds out what he did. Soon after this, the people left in the ruins want revenge and raid the new place.

Now, a good writer never spoils the ending;3 But I will tell you that there is two endings:D!!

I got lazy

[space-blue]

Funny post, but I'd like to dive in a little.

I think Paul is a good man, and Feyd would be too, if he were raised by the Atreides.

I think the issue for both Paul and an Atreides-raised Feyd is inherent to both their system and their place in time, within the high pressure of a secret cultist breeding program, locally spearheaded by the family's MOM.

Paul suffers from a typical case of manifest destiny. He's the son of a Duke, meant to inherit a Great House of the Imperium. He's part of a strict and extremely rigid social caste called the Faufreluche, which states "A place for every man and every man in his place."

It's a feudal world in which he's meant to inherit everything, including the darker side of power : responsability for millions of lives, pressure to keep his house alive and in the balance of a mortal game of interest, etc.

The point of Dune is to show Leto and go, here, a decent man. He loves his son, who is also a decent man. Paul is a good friend, loyal, dedicated, hard working. CHARISMATIC. Raised to be so.

And then the narrative gives him/them a strong following of people who love and trust them, and others who simply don't have a choice or can't conceive of another choice because their society straight up doesn't offer it.

Suddenly, Paul (or Feyd's) smallest action carries a crazy momentum that ripples out. The point is you don't want such men to gather such followings. You don't want organized groups of plotters who can take over humanity as a whole. Because the smallest act of selfishness then turns into something far worse, and then the movement picks up steam, multiplies, and goes on without the initial leader (cue: the jihad going on without Paul, who only started that path for revenge).

I think it's also interesting to look at Paul as a typical Hero. Because his drives and desires are qualities we casually revere in our own hero stories.

Man loses his entire family, his village burned to the ground : he goes on an epic quest of training and revenge, but will he save himself?

How dull and common is this? Aren't we hyping up people who do that all the time in fiction? The kill bills, the luke skywalkers, the blue eyed samurais of the fictional world?

Worse, think of Avatar's Jake Sully. The "it's good actually" version of Paul Atreides. He also infiltrates a native culture not his own, also co-opts local symbols of power, also works with local religious beliefs, also marries a local woman, also has a "second awakening" scene…

And because he fights alongside the locals against the evil bad colonialists, the entire narrative BEGS you to believe Jake Sully is a good guy. That he's not a white saviour. Or that he's the good kind of white saviour.

Meanwhile Paul does all that and the narrative tells us it's wrong and fucked up, and he is doing it for personal revenge that just so happens to line up with the native people's own desires.

One of the main differences is Paul's sense of entitlement. he never really doubts that he should be in charge of Big and Important things. The BG's breeding program also made him a certain way, and funnels him down a fated path. While Jake Sully is a one-man rebellion and convert to a tangible god.

So, yes, I do think Feyd raised by the Atreides would be a decent guy. It would not prevent him from committing atrocities though, because the entire point of Dune is that charismatic decent guys DO lead movements that become bigger than them and easily go on to commit The Atrocities.

"Oh, if Feyd had only been raised by the Atreides household and not the Baron, then he would've been a decent guy"

My good bitch, not even the official heir and son of the Atreides duke himself turned out to be a decent guy

[notinterestedinyourstuff]

THESE ARE JUST ABOUT FEELINGS

1. since i listened to troye sivan strawberries and cigarettes, my feeling goes to taynew. while, thei have their own songs, jason mraz 'lucky' what can i say 'bout this song? the lyrics are all about them.

yep, nulis tentang mereka dulu lah baru real life. seeing them like watching alternate universe in real life. once, i wrote about romance feeling that i felt, which actually i watched them at that time.

watched them, on their real stories, not a series or fanfiction. been so long i lost interest for romantic things. the happiness, sadness, sacrifices, love languages, their ways to keep it personal but me as part of netizen keep digging our curiosity 'bout their life.

back then, before i fell this deep into them, i was like promised to myself to not gonna spend any penny for them. then, this year i spent around 6000 thb to see them again in bangkok.

so, the romance feeling i wanted to share was like...they gonna have series together again. one of the actor congratulated them, he is theearth, nuwi's ex partner in old serie. exact partner in work coz eventho earth was his couple (at that time) tawan wouldn't leave them alone. damnit tay tawan, you possesive bastard. like, earth knew that he couldnt be together with nuwi lah, walau company support them and they have fans tho, but universe like only blessed nuwi for tawan. the love songs i collect in spotify are mostly got from tawan's playlist for nuwi, well fans also have play list for theearth and nuwi which all of them are the broken heart songs.

cuma pengen nulis soal betapa mengirinya diri ini melihat dua insan yg kayaknya lagi kasmaran banget. well berdasarkan lurking di sosial media, diketahui bahwa mereka tampak sudah kasmaran sejak 2013. waktu itu usia mereka masih muda, masih mencari validasi, setidaknya itu POV gw. then reality came through their life, like salah satu masi khawatir tentangg society judgment. while the other one mungkin juga mau ikutan move on, tapi apa daya hatinya udah mentok dgn si satu nya.

2. next is about the chines' drama i watched. so nowadays i back to watch gongjun's series i've been waiting since last year. the legend of anle. not the gayes series, the straight one, but the feeling still the same. how i always feel toward chinese colossal drama, they do really act like a drama. but the feeling they gave to me as damaged as casual series.

just look at wenkexing's eyes..i got the feeling of the scenes caused of those eyes. i ain't an expert of art, but i can give plus one for this kind of drama. the aesthetic they brought to the audience with their culture is beautiful. i dunno how were they back then in real life. but the way they express the emotion, how they doin war with power and revenge, the blood, how they not afraid of the death as long as the sacrifice is worthy.

not forget to mention their costumes and design, i believe every country is beautiful. somehow, so far...i didn't get it from my own culture..i mean in the right way. 5555. it's just how they serve the audience.

well, i might be bias coz i only watched those which played by my faves. other than that, i might only know other actors from some variety shows.

3. recently, i read this book.

well, i wouldn't say this book is the best 5555, but it's something. maybe boring, but i try to keep following coz i got the point on each parts. i can feel her, thank god there's someone who has feeling, thought and somehow maybe personality like me. i mean, there are many type of people, and those who look like with the writer well we're in the same thought. so i'm not the only one. (of course fika, you not that special tho hahahaha). like, when everyone thanked to themselves for staying and struggling, the logic mind of mine said 'emang harus gimana lagi? kan emang kudu bertahan dan dijalani, ga ada jalan pintas, kalo kabur pun masalah lain pasti akan kunjung datang lagi. wong namanya juga hidup. kalo gada masalah ya baru namanya bukan kehidupan lagi. kita punya siapa lagi kalo bukan diri sendiri dan...Tuhan? yang membawa kita ke dunia ini. that's the logic mind loh ya yg bilang. kadang kalo lagi kalut ya emang susah juga mikir kesana.

kek si mba penulis buku itu. obrolan mba nya dgn si psikiater semacam validasi orang lain tentang kondisi mbanya-which is lil'bit similar sm gw. jadi gw cukup tau dan paham aja gimana menurut psikiater itu. sedikit banyak kek konsultasi via buku. iya gw tau ini ga dibenarkan, tapi kek tadi gw bilang cuma biar tau dan dikit paham aja, jadi gw kelamaan menghakimi diri sendiri.

[usetheeauthor]

The Nightmare on Hawkins Street +18 (Request)

Dom!Vecna x Dark!Virgin!Fem!Reader

A/N: Hey this is a request I took from a friend who loves the idea of Vecna as I do so I decided to write this. I made Vecna a kind of hybrid of Peter and Vecna so that it’s still has that monsterfucking aspect along with some human properties as i do not know Vecna’s full anatomy (also i just love jaime’s face)☺️ This will be like a diary entries of an anthropologist who slowly descends into a path of darkness.The diary will be first person but after it’ll be second point of view. Also I use the words “vines” and “tentacles interchangeably. Part 2

Summary: Banished to the world that has now became “The Upside Down”, Peter/Vecna marks his first victim an anthropologist with morbid curiosity. But when she shares his same philosophy, he finds himself wanting her by his side.

Word Count: 2.9k+

Warnings: mention of murder(s), morally ambiguous reader, loss of virginity, blood kink, use of tentacles (sexual), anal sex, choking, pain kink, spanking, vaginal penetration, corruption kink, spit as lube, degradation kink, doggystyle, drooling, tummy bulge, breeding kink, creampie, uses of names like “sir”, “master”, “king”, cum eating

June 16, 1983

Dear Diary,

I’ve seen him again today. Vecna. That’s what I call the monster that haunts my dreams. I’d accidentally fallen asleep from exhaustion for a split second and next thing I knew I was back in his lair. Whenever I’d close my eyes, he’d be behind them. Waiting. I’ve fought to stay awake ever since. He’s threatened to show me my “true nature” or so he puts it. Somehow knowing my true self scares me. I know I’m not like other my age. I’ve always had a fascination for things that are strange which only increased the moment I saw him.

Vecna looks pained. Like someone’s hurt him in the past. I found myself wanting to know who could have hurt monster like him. Yet from what I understood he was once man. A man who had his on motivations and his own ideals that were slowly ripped from him and banished from human society. Now he was a former shell of himself. Part man, part other worldly being seeking revenge and power. It’s like I could feel his every emotion. Like I know his story. I dare say that I sympathize with the entity.

June 20, 1983

Dear Diary,

I’d managed to close my eyes again. I don’t fear being dragged into his reality. I’ve embrace it. I’m still alive. I assume there must be some reason why he wants me alive. Maybe I could find him. Any chance I’d get to be in his world, I would commit every detail of the strange dimension, The Upside Down, to memory. I’d draw the details and displayed them on my wall. I’d stay up late nights going down a rabbit hole researching and looking into random experiments done in Hawkins hoping it’d mean I’d find him soon. I think he’s finally taken ahold of my mind. I welcome him.

June 30, 1983

Dear Diary,

Strange things are frequently happening in Hawkins. Murders, people disappearing, sightings of cryptid creatures. I know it’s him. He’s getting powerful. I could feel him getting powerful. It…excited me. I’ve never been so interested in learning about a person’s life the way I do now. To think that a human could be so powerful? Would be considered human at all since he’d been born with these gifts? I’d like to think that he could feel me, too. That he understood my devotion to him. That I’d only ran away and kept myself from sleeping because I was scared to know who I really am. But he’s shown me that gradually over time.

None of the research I’ve done in university could ever match what his existence. I want to know him now more than anything.

July 1, 1983

There it was in front of you. A gate to The Upside Down beckoning you to enter. It’s a hidden hole in a tree surrounded by a wet sac. You enter not even thinking of the consequences. This will be the first time you’ll get to see him physically so consequences be damned. You break through the slimy barrier. The cold wetness of the unidentifiable substance coating you and your scantily clad red dress.

Once you made it through, an immediate chill goes down your spine. You know he’s close. You explore the grounds, taking note of every sight. It looked just like your worlds except dark. You speculated that through this shadow world this was how he accessed his victims.

You walked through the streets searching for the street where your home lies. Not surprisingly, your home was in fact there. You walked through the doors. The atmosphere eerily still. Looking around, it’s like nothing changed. You notice a light under the door frame of your room upstairs. It grew bright. Tiptoeing up the steps, the floorboards creek underneath your bare feet. Your heart racing.

Once you’ve reached the room, you lower yourself down attempting to look under the door frame. No movement, just blinding light. You stand up, grip the knob, take a breath, and then slowly turn it. The light flickers as you walk through the room.

You notice your diary rested on your bed. You pick it up, flipping through it’s pages. It’s all of the entries you’ve written since the beginning of his mark on you. It’s practically duplicate.

Suddenly, the air shifts and you were sure you were alone anymore. Wet, heavy footsteps thumped against the floorboards. You don’t dare to turn to look. Even as the slick appendage wrapped around your neck, you remained still. You hear his rumbling growl.

“Y/N.” He says, turning you slowly to look at him. His voice, an overlay of a growling beast mix with a hint of his original innocent voice. His facial features part man, part creature. You could tell he was handsome with enticing lips and bright blue eyes. The other part of him was of this strange world. Dark, wrinkled wet skin almost reptilian and flesh in texture. He donned white clothes that had been torn and darkenedfrom what appeared to look as if he were struck by lightning. Several tentacles extended out and around him like extra limbs. Both sides of him were gorgeous and you could feel yourself weak at the knees at this discovery.

“My king.” You moaned.

He looked as if he was psychoanalyzing you in his head, trying to pick you apart. Were you here to serve him? The answer was yes. You were his to use. You spent years wanting to figure out the nuances of humanity and once you realized it, it only made you want to seek something new. Exciting. Morally corrupt. He was exactly who you needed.

“King?” He questions with a head tilt, releasing his grip from your neck.

You take this as an opportunity to show your worth to him. You fall to your knees, bowing your head and hands flat on the ground. You look up at him with admiration. “I understand. I know what you feel and how you think. For years, I’ve studied humanity. I’ve seen the things we’re all capable of. We are not perfect. We are destructive, cruel, irredeemable. That is why I give myself to you and will hang on every word you say. I want you to teach me to be in your light. To serve by your side and fulfill your every wish. I want to be perfect for you. Please claim my body as yours to use however you like.”

He takes a step closer to you, tilting your chin up with an elongated finger. “Such a needy little thing you are. Typical of you humans. Always wanting regardless of if it’s bad for you,” He pulls his cock from his confines. It’s hard and the tip leaking precum. It was large in length smooth, slimy, reptilian skin but appeared like the average male anatomy. “Go on. Show me how you’ll serve me.”

You take his harden member in your hand taking in its beauty. You’d never seen a man like him. You settled with the idea that he would be the one to take you precious flower. He was worthy of corrupting the purity you’ve tried to maintain.

You swirl your tongue around his tip, sucking hard. You earn a grunt from him. This makes you want to hear more. Lowering your mouth down to the base, you swallow around him. He looks so beautiful above you, watching you take his down your fragile throat. He couldn’t wait to rip you apart on his dick and show you how to be taken and trained properly.

A tentacle slithers between your legs. You spread them wider wanting to show your submission to him. He just under your panties. You could feel the slimy suction of the feeler caressing the inside of your thigh. It light goosebumps against your skin at its texture. You gag around him, taking him deeper and deeper.

“Mm, you’re so greedy for me. I’m sure you wouldn’t care that I’ve killed before. Your life could be in danger right now and yet you still lust for cock. You’re such a greedy, fucking whore.” He slaps a tendril-like limb against your ass hard, the wetness causing the contact to sting even more. You choke against him.

The limb between your leg teases your clothed pussy before pushing the soft cotton of your underwear to the side. He flicks your clit back and forth, the suctions on the vine catching it over and over.

Your eyes roll back. “Thank you, sir.” You mewled, stroking his cock while you moaned out and ground against the thick appendage.

He pulls you by your hair and yanks your mouth back onto him. “Did I tell you to stop? Now I’m going to rut into your throat until it’s raw.” Wrapping two tentacles around your hair like pigtails, he drives your mouth down his length over and over. You’re forced to continue to breathe through your nose. His hips moving into your mouth so rough you could feel him in your esophagus. The limb playing with your clit rubbing harder against you. It was borderline painful.

“Look at how wet you are,” He pulls himself from between your legs even with the wet texture of his skin, you can evidently see your creamy slick against the dark blue tendril. “You enjoy being treated so poorly. I can let all my frustrations on you and you’d take it.” He pulls your mouth off him by your hair. Groaning when he sees the lines of saliva connecting his cock to your tongue, break off and drip down you chin and chest.

“Yes, master. I love to be used and ruined by you.” You say with a gasp. He shoves himself down your throat once again while thrusting the vine inside you. You cry out. You hadn’t expected penetration so suddenly. He was just at the barrier if he thrusted further you’d officially be his.

“Sit.” He commands you.

You adjust yourself, shifting at the knee so that you could take him deeper. You’re mouth yanking away from his cock once more. The barrier is finally broken and you stutter out a groan. “F-fuck!”

He maneuvers in and out of your quivering pussy, groaning at its tightness. You look down between your legs watching the extender inside you. There was blood trickling down your thighs. He was fascinated by the sight, pulling himself out of you and tasting the salty, warm liquid. His eyes glimmer with a newfound interest.

He tears off your dress and panties from you in one swift tug, your body completely bare. You instinctively cover your breasts. He couldn’t help but notice how innocent you looked under him. Like a little lamb put up for the slaughter. But you had offered yourself to him. You asked for this. So how innocent were you really?

He rips your hands away. “Do not hide yourself, little one. You belong to me.” His vine coils around your neck lifting you off your feet and slamming you against the bed. You were like a rag doll in his grasp, biting your lip at the feeling of being manhandled. You’re flipped over, forced on your hands and knees. You can hear him fumbling with his clothes. You peep over your shoulder to witness his full body which also bore resemblance of that of man and creature.

“You’re so beautiful, master. I can’t wait to have you against.” You moaned, rolling your hips in anticipation.

He smacks your ass once again then entwining an extended limb around your waist and pulling you against him. He plunges himself deep into your walls, bottoming out in one swift move. You wail, gripping the sheets in front of you. He forces your face down into the mattress while your ass remained high in the air. It was angled just in the right position for him to pummel into your wetness over and over. His grunts above you mixing in with your whines.

“So fucking tight. I’ll ruin this cunt so that no other man can have you.” He growls, smacking your ass once more. You can feel the extenders slithering all over your body caressing every part of your skin and tweaking your nipples. The suctions on them lighting goosebumps against your skin. He spits at your puckered hole rubbing a thumb at the entrance then you recognize the familiar slimy, wiggling of the tentacle penetrating your anal cavity.

He thrusts in and out of it in time with his hardness driving into your pussy. You rise up on all fours again, your tongue sticking out, panting and drooling at the pressure of being filled in both holes. “Holy fuck! Yes, yes, yes. Just like that.”

He mercilessly pounds into you, pulling you closer to him so that your back was flushed against his chest. “This is your role now. You are to take everything I give you. Everything. You’ll serve as my queen. Never to question me. Do you understand?” He whispered into your ear. He sounded so fucking sexy. His voice strained from the moans he held back so that he could speak his commands explicitly.

“Yes, master. Yes, my king. I will take it all.” I throw it back against his cock and the tentacle. They stretched both holes with a mix of pain and pleasure. You want to prove to him you can handle it with ease.

“You’re such a fucking whore. You’ve come here searching for trouble. You beg for me to take you. Then you sacrifice your whole life up there just for a taste of my cock. You’re despicable.” He smacks your ass.

“I’m filthy, sir. A fucking degenerate. I want to be whatever you want me to be. I want you to mold my whole world into your liking.” He pounds harder and it’s as if he’s got even more inches of himself to give to you.

You can feel him sloshing around inside, knocking at your insides and forming a bulge at your belly. You press it causing the two of you to hiss at the action. He swivels his hips making certain that he hits every square inch of you. His length nudges at the small, fleshy button inside you repeatedly. It felt as if he’d touched that part of you from both entrances, the tentacle flicking inside you back and forth.

Your drawn out groans are now, short gasps of air. “I’m gonna fucking cum. You’re so amazing, master!”

He rubs at your clit, the suctions pulling at your clit. You were beginning to feel delirious at this point. It was all so much and you knew that you’d finally lost any sense of sanity, you once had. A wave of bliss takes over you and you can feel yourself gushing, the evidence of your arousal dripping down your inner thighs and his cock.

“Mmm,” He moans, witnessing your creamy slick and blood make a mess of your lower bodies. He pumps sloppy, long strokes into your pussy. “Would you like to be filled to the brim, hmm? Make you drip with my cum.”

“Please fuck your babies into me. I wanna be round and full and take all of it inside. I don’t want to waste a single drop,” You fucked back against him faster, ruining his pace. You were set on him cumming in you and you could feel another orgasm beginning to bubble in the pit of your stomach. “Hurt me, master. Just the way you like. I know it’s what you need to cum. I’ve studied you. All so that I know how to please you. Please hurt me.”

That was all the encouragement he needed. He knew you could take the pain. His thrusts returned to the same force that crossed the line between pain and pleasure. He bites at your shoulder, choking you simultaneously. Your air supply had been cut off; you were getting dizzy. Your orgasm was approaching soon and you crawled at the tentacle that constricted your throat. He pounds into your sweet spot once again and a cry rips from his chest and you both tremble against one another. You both arrived at the same time. You felt as if you were dying the orgasm that shook through you so powerful, your wetness shot out like a sprinkler, wetting the bed.

His cum is hot as it paints your walls white inside you. He continues his thrusts to the point of overstimulation wanting to make sure his essence remained deep inside you. Vecna lets go of your body and you immediately collapse against the mattress. Your face down and ass still in the air as you heaved for air. He stares down at your quaking core which had been coated with a mixture of your blood and juices as well as his cum that began to seep out. He takes a finger gathering it and you turned your head to the side to face him, sticking your tongue out. He runs his finger back and forth against your tongue until you clasp a finger around it and sucked.

He removes his finger, patting and rubbing you on the head. You accept the warm embrace, nuzzles your head into his hand. “I knew you’d be the perfect queen. You understand.”

“Yes, my king. I’ve always known I was meant to serve you. I don’t care if you hurt others. You do it because you want you humanity to be better and recognize its deplorability.”

“You wouldn’t turn against me if I were to ask you to carry out an important mission?”

“No, sir,” You sit up, resting your butt on the bottoms of your feet. “I will do anything you say. I meant every word.”

“Then, there is someone whom I need you to bring to me?”

“Who?”

“Bring me the girl, Eleven. Alive.”

Tag: @stygianoir

[clairecrive]

Hi could we please get a really angsty fic with nikolai (with a happy ending pls) where reader and he has had a fight so they maintain the facade on the outside bc they're royals but in private it's just ignoring each other/angst?

Young Royals

A/N: ahh, this is angsty alright but it seems I'm only capable of writing hurt/comfort lately. This took a life of its own and it's long af but I hope you like it anyway x

Warnings: miscommunication, angst, fighting, hurt/comfort, Nikolai is a bit absent, you're a bit jealous of his relationship with Zoya

Tags: @jupiterandbutterflies, @agentsofsheilds , @for-bebbanburg , @randomoutsiders , @pansysgirlfriend , @hannaxmaria , @vintagebitc , @story-scribbler , @crowssixof , @odetostep,@lizzie-he4rts, @korol-lantsov, @subjecta13-thefangirl, @gallysonegoodlung, @a-c-lee, @mriddlemethis, @carnationworld,@thanossexual, @luvxginger, @sanna2020,@partiesandblurrypolaroids, @edithsvoice, @wafflesandschemingfaces (tag list form)

SHADOW AND BONE MASTERLIST

"Do not put words into my mouth, Nikolai."

"Please, you already have so many, my love," he scoffed and the use of the term of endearment hurt the most.

"You're making me sound like a brat while I'm providing you with a viable solution," you insisted with a flare of your hands, frustrated by his unwillingness to listen to you.

"No, you're not. What you're doing is being childish."

"I'm your queen, Nikolai. I'm only asking to be more involved."

"You're my wife, y/n, and you know nothing about politics or running a country." He retired, putting emphasis on wife. This felt a lot like being put into place. And the fact that it was your husband doing so, hurt. It was also the most you had seen him this week.

"Neither did Zoya, nor Genya or anyone who's currently running the country."

"That's different and you know it."

"Only because you're making it so," you exclaimed finally exploding. His despondency got on your nerves and this conversation was going nowhere anyway.

Surprised by your raise of voice, Nikolai stood before you just blinking at you.

Sighing, you took a step toward him, holding your hands up, "look, you're right, I don't know about running a country but teach me. I'm not stupid, I'll pick it up."

"Why are you insisting so much? You've never shown any interest in politics before." He gave you a puzzled look like he didn't really believe your intentions.

"I've never wanted to be queen before." before meeting you.

"Ah, I see," he chuckled mirthlessly, "I put you in this situation and now you're taking your revenge."

To insinuate that your marriage with him was you "being put into a situation" rather than a consensual decision you had made out of love was absurd.

Nikolai was right. You had never cared about politics or diplomacy before meeting him. You were a soldier. There was no reason for you to meddle with something that didn't concern you.

But now you were queen and you felt a responsibility towards your people. You wanted to help but so far, Nikolai hadn't allowed you to take part in any meetings. He said that anyone who needed to be there was already involved. What he didn't tell you was that while Grisha made excellent soldiers and even good councillors, one of them being a royal was a very different matter.

He had indulged his love for you by marrying you. You were his vice and he simply couldn't accept the idea of being without you anymore. He had married you, consequently making you queen, going against what his advisors told him.

While he ignored his warnings he was painfully aware, however, how difficult it was going to be for a Grisha on the throne. It was the first time something liked this had ever happened and unfortunately, the country was filled with people who resented Grisha for their powers.

Nikolai feared that the people were never going to accept you. Hence why he'd been keeping you secluded in the palace.

To be fair, you were doing a wonderful job. Like he had pointed out, you were not accustomed to politics but you made up for that with empathy and kindness. You started to interest yourself with the problem of poverty and lack of provisions for some parts of the country.

And while no one was aware of it, Nikolai often turned to you for military strategy. You were an apt soldier and had fought bravely alongside him and everyone else in the battle of the Fold. You were the very reason why he was still alive, to be honest.

While this arrangement worked for the first months of your reign, it was starting to feel an inadequate effort. You needed to do more, you wanted to do more. You didn't expect Nikolai to oppose it so vehemently.

"If I didn't want to be here I wouldn't be, Nikolai, you'd do well to remember it," you pointed out coldly, straightening your spine.

"Since you seem so adverse at spending time with me or including me in important matters, I'll find someone else who will." And with that, chin held high, you walked out of the room.

You missed him. It felt absurd to say this but you missed your husband. He was always busy with meetings or official visits to some noble across the country. For most of them, he went alone or with Zoya.

You knew that she was his first in command but you couldn't help but be bothered by it. It was one thing to accept the fact that he hadn't given the role to you "because the queen cannot have that role as well", it was a whole other thing to accept the fact that another woman spent more time with your husband than you did.

Countless were the fights you had with him in this regard. But they were pointless. Nikolai was still set on not bringing you and he and Zoya were always found together.

You didn't know what hurt more. The blow at your pride for being denied a position you deserved because of who you loved, the jealousy or being punished for your identity.

One thing was sure though, it was getting too much. At first, you pulled thought for Nikolai but now that you didn't have him anymore, your efforts seemed to be in vain.

So, like you had told Nikolai, you looked for someone who was willing to teach you. You wanted to help and if Nikolai wasn't going to let you here at the palace, then you'd find somewhere else.

Count Kirigin had always been nice to you and he was a very generous host. You knew that he played a central role in Nikolai's plan so you thought that there was no one better than him.

You reached out to him, wrote him a letter in which you showed interest in his activity and asked him if he was willing to show you. Of course, anything that came from the queen or the king couldn't be denied but you knew that the Count truly enjoyed your company. If your position didn't put so much higher than everybody else, you'd even consider him a friend.

You waited for his reply before putting in motion the preparations for your departure.

In the meantime, you and Nikolai kept conducting your separate lives. Usually, you'd only see him at night when he returned to your chambers if you were still up. Now, you had decided to sleep in separate rooms too.

If he wanted a wife, then a wife he'd get. But kings and queens do not sleep together.

If the new arrangement was bothering him, you didn't know. He hadn't reached out to you nor made any move to rectify your decision.

Turns out that he wasn't even at the Palace. He had left for a mission near the border with Shu Han and wouldn't be back for at least a week. Well, then. Of course, he didn't even bother with telling you. Not even a small note.

Jokes on him though, you thought, since when he was going to come back, he'd finally get what he wanted. You weren't going to be there to bother him anymore.

Differently from him though, you did indeed left him a note. Nikolai found it a week after you had set it on his pillow. Its presence made him furrow his eyebrows since he had already been wondering where you were. You usually came out to meet him at the gates whenever he'd come back from a mission and even though you had fought before he went away, you weren't one for holding grudges. So e guessed there was something holding you.

Unfolding the paper he was met with your familiar chaotic writing.

"I don't know when you're going to find this letter but if I'm not there yet it means that I'm still at Count Kirigin's. Do not bother with writing or visiting, I'll come back when my business with him is done.

Y/n"

What in the name of every sweet loving saint???

The letter wasn't dated, no dear, no yours no nothing. Fuck. You were still mad or worse, hurt.

Asking one of the servants, he learned that you had been away for a week already. But what business could you possibly have with the Count??

Nikolai had nothing against him. Seeing Kirigin get all flustered as he tried to flirt with Zoya amused him to no end but the idea of him and you in the same house? Alone?? Unacceptable.

Not even bothering to change clothes after his long journey, Nikolai headed to the stables to ask for a well-rested horse. Luckily, Count Kirigin's estate was not too far away. A couple of hours ride.

Turns out that the Count had a lot to teach. Despite his aloof reputation and extravagant clothes, he was very observant. He lacked ambition, which was why Nikolai trusted him and had a curious way of behaving in social situations.

But Emil had been born and raised in high society. He knew how things were run even if he had no desire to be in charge of them.

So far, you'd be having a wonderful time. Emil was a wonderful host, as you remembered, but without Nikolai's presence, he was even more extravagant. He had an unexpectedly dry sense of humour and a never-ending list of jokes.

Being in the open and in the company of someone who saw y/n instead of the Queen of Ravka proved to be even more needed than you thought. You felt reinvigorated and much lighter than you'd ever been.

You had also been learning a lot. Emil had been teaching you about diplomacy. About the best ways of formulating a sentence so that you wouldn't offend anyone but still get what you wanted. He had also been talking to you about your husband's ministers. About their weaknesses and vices and what was the best way to approach them to get what you wanted.

So far, it was proving to be a wonderful decision to come here.

Whenever your mind strayed on Nikolai, you willed it to focus on something else. You didn't know if he had already come home or seen the letter. A part of you thought that if he had, he would at least write one back. But the thought felt a lot like hope and seeing as how little he saw you even before you left, you didn't think it safe to harbour it.

When Nikolai reached the estate, he was met with Kirigin's servants. They welcomed him inside and profusely apologised for the Count's absence. They told him that at this time of the day, Kirigin and his guest would usually go out on a ride but that they were also about to return.

So Nikolai waited, sitting in the most comfortable chair the Count owned, fuming at the thought that his wife had felt the need to go away and be in the company of another man.

"If I didn't want to be here, I wouldn't be Nikolai. You'd do well to remember it."

Your words haunted him. They were the last thing that you told him. How stupid had he been to let you walk away. How utterly careless of him to disregard you like that.

He had promised himself to truly talk to you about it once this pressing matter of state was taken care of. Apparently, he had waited too long.

But Nikolai knew that the problem was at the source. He noticed how hurt you had been when he made Zoya his first in command. Or how sad you seemed everywhere he went somewhere with her and didn't ask you to join.

He was doing so to protect you from the inevitable slander you'd be met with. He should have known though that putting you aside was going to be even worse. You were a fighter just as much as Zoya was, if not stronger.

She hid behind her veil of indifference and superiority while you had never lost that emphatic verve that made everyone love you so much. In his attempt to make you safe, he had only managed to hurt you.

You were a warrior. You had accepted the role of queen only because it was the only way for you to be with Nikolai. And instead of praising you by making you a warrior queen, he had decided to hide you away.

Well, no more.

If his mistakes had not ruined everything already, he was going to make everything better.

Lost in his musing, he didn't hear the sound of hooves approaching but he did indeed hear your laugh. It immediately brought him back to the present and a wave of ugly jealousy hit him.

He couldn't remember the last time he made you laugh.

"I shouldn't even laugh Emil, the joke was terrible," Nikolai hear you giggling from somewhere in the hall. So now he was Emil, huh.

"You know you can't resist my charm, your highness," Emil replied and Nikolai had to call on every bit of his self-control to not barge out of the room and punch him.

"Stop it, you know you can call me y/n."

Before Emil could reply, they had both made it to the sitting room where Nikolai was waiting for them. It looked like no one had warned them of his presence because Kirigin looked surprised then utterly mortified.

"Your majesty, I wasn't aware you were here. Please forgive me for making you wait."

"Don't fret Kirigin, it was an impromptu visit. I came to see how my lovely wife was doing." No matter how green he was feeling right now, he knew that Kirigin was loyal to him and the crown. Whatever was happening here wasn't one of his schemes.

"Of course! I'm going to send for some tea while you two get reunited." Kirigin quickly bowed before hurrying out of the room.

Nikolai met your eyes for the first time since you had arrived. If at first, you were surprised to see him, now you couldn't help but be a bit sceptical about this visit.

"What are you doing here?" you asked breaking the ice.

"You leave with only a few lines on where you're going and you expect me to just accept it?" He scoffed, his hands curling on the armrests of the chair.

"It's more than what you gave me," you quipped, crossing your arms on your chest.

Nikolai sighed while his gloved hands run through his hair. You were right and he knew it. He had been a horrible husband lately.

"I know you're mad at me, honey, but listen-"

"I'm not mad. You didn't want to give me what I wanted so I went looking for it somewhere else." Scrolling your shoulders, you interrupted him without meeting his eyes. A list of excuses was not what you wanted nor what you needed from him.

Nikolai didn't miss the innuendo. His jaw clenched, his hands closed in fists. But he willed himself to stay calm.

"You think Kirigin can give you something that I can't?" Nikolai was a master in diplomacy. Never did he get frustrated or angry or raised his voice, even with the most aggravating people. Here though, with you, he didn't have to keep a façade. He spoke through his teeth barely containing his anger.

"Well, so far, he's been giving me attention and interesting pointers that no, Nikolai, you refused to give me."

"So this is how you solve your problems? Running away in the countryside with Emil?" Nikolai sneered, his tone souring around Kirigin's name.

"Don't you do the same with your precious first in command?" Tired after your ride with Emil, you plopped down on the chair in front of Nikolai's. Completely ignoring his tone, you pointed out calmly. The perfect image of aloofness even when it was the last thing you were in this moment.

"That's different," he snapped trying to meet your eyes that were carefully analyzing your hands.

"Yes," you signed, "it seems that when I'm concerned everything is different."

"There's nothing between me and Zoya, y/n and you know it." Nikolai was getting more frustrated by the second. He came here to apologize, to make things right and so far, the conversation was going in the opposite directions.

"Maybe now, but you spend more time with her than you do with me. It's only a matter of time before it happens and you're sorely mistaken if you think I'll just stand by and watch."

"This is not about Zoya," he insisted but so far, he wasn't getting the reaction out of you he wanted. You seemed... resigned at the situation. And that worried Nikolai to no end.

"It never is."

"Why did you run away?" Opting for a more direct approach, he bit the bullet and went straight to the point.

"I did not run away," you scoffed in contempt at his choice of words, "I told you I wanted to do more and Emil is teaching me. Not everyone is so against spending time with me, you know." You shot him a glance.

It was the first time that you had looked at him since you had been left alone.

"I married you, y/n. How can you possibly believe I don't want to spend time with you?" As desperation slipped through his words, Nikolai leaned towards you in his seat. As if he couldn't bear the distance between you anymore. But you knew it wasn't that. You and he had been distant for months now.

"Because that's what's happening, Nikolai," you clipped back and Nikolai had to refrain from wincing at your tone.

"It's not intentional, my love, I've just been busy." His tone softened. It was a poor excuse of an apology but it was sadly the truth.

"But when I say that I want to join or help you with it you strongly oppose?" Again, there was that suspicious implication in your words that Nikolai just couldn't stand. To think that you believed he'd ever cheat on you with another woman when he had done so much, taken so many risks, to be with you.

"It's not what you think, y/n." He insisted again but immediately realized he had said the wrong thing when he saw you leaning back into your chair shaking your head.

"I don't think anything, anymore. Do whatever you want. You do your thing and I'll do mine. I won't be a bother to you anymore." Holding up your hands, you gestured as you spoke.

A beat. Nikolai froze in his seat at what you were suggesting.

"You're never a bother to me. Never." He leaned even forwards in his chair, basically only propping on it now. The desperation was now clear in his voice. He reached out to you to try and take hold of your hands but you were too distant.

"I love you more than anything in this world and if you think that I'm going to let you go without a fight, you're sorely mistaken." The steel determination of his words caught you off guard. Nikolai was strong-headed, you knew that better than anyone else, but it had been a long while since that determination had been directed to you.

"You already did." It was barely a whisper. The sad truth about your reality, the downfall of your relationship. The wavering of your voice, the pain in your eyes were enough to tip Nikolai off the edge.

"Milaya, please."He fell onto his knees in front of you. Leaning forward he reached for your hands that he could now hold. "I'm sorry. I put you in a difficult position when I married you and I tried my best to protect you."

"I don't need protecting, Nikolai, especially if it's by pushing me away."

"I was keeping you away from danger and I know that you're strong and capable but I hate to think of you as the object of public slander." His eyes darted between yours, frantic, desperate to make you understand.

"I'm Grisha, Nikolai. It's nothing new to me," you pointed out but then it hit you.

"By difficult position, you meant a Grisha Queen, didn't you?" Your eyes hardened at the implications, your hands going slack in his hold. You would have pulled them away if Nikolai didn't tighten his hold.

"Please, do not think I'm regretting my choice or I think you're not worthy of the title because that's not true." Pulling your hands, he tried to get you closer to him. "I fear that there will be repercussions among the people." And there it was, at last, the truth.

"And among your ministers," you added remembering Emil's lessons on the people at court and their role.

You scoffed when he stayed silent. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"I thought I was doing the right thing, my love."

"So Zoya can handle it and I can't?"

"For the millionth time," he groaned, "I don't care about Zoya."

"I only care about you and I know you can handle it. I just didn't want you to. You deserve happiness and peaceful life and I know it's impossible to have in this saints' forsaken country but I can at least try." His eyes lowered in shame and his confession sent a pang through your heart. You took a moment to take in what he said.

Never had you thought about the possibility of Nikolai's distance was a form of protection. You were a soldier of the Second Army, after all. But being a queen, especially a Grisha one, was a delicate thing.

It was the first time in history that something like this happened. Nikolai's worries were not unfounded since even after the destruction of the Fold, anti-Grisha movements were spreading fast.

It was sad to see the General's attempt of assuring safety for Grisha, provoking exactly the opposite thing.

"Oh, Kolya," returning his grip, you leaned towards him, "I just want a life with you by my side."

"As do I. I want you always and forever but above all, I want you safe. There's nothing I wouldn't do for you, you know it right?"

"I just ask that you tell me the truth and let me play the role I've been given."

"It's not going to be easy. People at court-"

"I know. That's why I'm here. Emil's been teaching."

"Well, no more. I'm going to take care of it from now on."

"Is this a promise or a threat?"

"Rest assured my love, the difference between the two is almost nonexistent." He flashed you a smirk and you couldn't help but smile at him. Here it was, your beloved Nikolai.

"Things are going to change, aren't they?" you murmured softly as he gently rested his forehead against yours.

"We're going to show everyone what a "power couple" is." Here was his promise. Sealed with the gentlest nudging of his nose to yours. The action made you smile and your heart soar. You missed these little moments of intimacy with him.

One of his hands came to cradle your face as the other kept hold of your left hand. Your rings softly clicked as they touched. A form of reassurance.

"I love you, y/n."

"And I you, Kolya."

You were completely lost in your little bubble, even more so when Nikolai's lips finally met yours, that you had forgotten where you were. And that there was an embarrassed Kirigin outside the door waiting for the right moment to come in with tea.