#He needs like.. Good Will Hunting type of therapy. Just conversation | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

nowoyas · 2 years ago

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Edible Arrangements 27

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A/N: WE REMAIN ON SCHEDULE. I also figured out how to make formatting not break when copying from Scrivener, so this went much faster! Have a, uh, Thanksgiving chapter in December, lmao

Chapter Summary: It's nearly Friendsgiving! You finalize your project with Neito and have a good time with your friends.

Warnings: Some medical talk regarding dislocated bones, the general existence of Thanksgiving

Word Count: 3800+

You regret to admit as much, but you might actually not totally despise Neito. Sure, there’s still that lingering unease around him, and no, you still won’t meet him without backup, not even after three weeks of uneventful project work interspersed with angry debates. But… weeks of chatting with him and no major incidents have steeled your nerves. All the lingering unease is just that—lingering. And now the end of this stupid philosophy project is in sight, and you’re nearly free, and you find yourself actually willing to have pleasant conversation with him, not an underlying accusation in sight.

(Of course, none of that to say the conversation wasn’t awkward. Just less unpleasant.)

Mina was on duty today, but she’s stepped away to the restroom, leaving you to make conversation alone. “So, uh,” you start, closing your laptop at the end of your final pass-through of the paper. “Doing anything for break?”

Neito’s fingers still on his laptop keyboard. You’ve got no idea what he was typing, but you know it wasn’t in your shared Google doc. His wheels turn for a moment before he answers.

“I’m not sure. I… My… Things are weird now. With my family.”

You hum as you pack up. “I guess it’s your first holiday as, uh… this.”

He nods. “I can’t say I’m on very good terms with Itsuka after this. The drive home will be rough.”

“Itsuka? The one who turned you, right? Is she…”

“My stepsister,” he finishes. “We ended up at the same university. She’s… I can’t say I’ve really talked with her about all this.”

“You haven’t?” You raise an eyebrow. “What, have you just been avoiding each other for the past month?”

Neito lets out the longest sigh he can hold. “Essentially, yes. I woke up, she told me about what I need to know as a new vampire, and then we haven’t had a real conversation since. It’s all, ‘are you adjusting well?’ and ‘getting on okay in your classes?’ The rest of the time, we’re just… hovering around each other.”

“Is it because you don’t want to talk to her, or because she doesn’t want to talk to you?”

“Neither, I think.” He runs a hand through his hair. Maybe it’s only because you hadn’t spent much time together, but he’s looked more disheveled in the past weeks than you had ever noticed before. “Or maybe… maybe I don’t know how to talk to her anymore. How do you talk to someone after that? Perhaps I was in the wrong when I took it on myself to hunt innocent people, thinking myself a hero, but… even if I deserved the consequences received, I don’t know how to talk to someone who hurt me so deeply.”

You sigh. It’s clear that he’s hurting a lot from this, and your sympathy wars with the ongoing aches in your arm. “Have you considered getting a therapist?”

“Hm?”

“I mean, like, I’ve been through some shit. I mean, obviously.” You gesture to your scarring arm. “But even before that, there’d been some bullshit. I went to therapy for a little while after that. Would’ve kept going if my finances didn’t tank, but either way, my therapist was really cool.”

“Some bullshit?” He raises an eyebrow. “Like what, if you don’t mind me asking?”

“Oh that? I got stabbed. And some other stuff, too, I guess, but it wasn’t all that important.”

He hums thoughtfully, fingers returning to flying across his keyboard with whatever he’s doing. “You said your therapist was good? Can you point me their way?”

“Oh, yeah. It’s, uh… shit. What was her name?” You genuinely can’t remember. It’s hazy, a name on the tip of your brain, but every time you brush against it, it slips away. “I’m sorry, I don’t remember. I’ll dig into my records when I’m home, I sure I wrote down her info when I was still seeing her.”

“Don’t worry about it; take as much time as you need. I admit I’m a bit wary of seeing a therapist without a good recommendation, so it would be of great help to me.”

“Yeah, sure! I’ll submit stuff tonight and go digging for my old therapist’s info for you. Sound good?”

“Please.”

It’s bitter, mostly, this sort of parting. Mina returns from the bathroom, and you gather up your stuff in relative silence. Things could have been different, you think, but then your arm brushes against the metal of your chair and leaves an angry burn behind, and you shake it off.

You’ll get him his therapist, and then you’ll be done with this, all of it.

You make your way home. You’ve got a kitten to play with, a paper to submit, and a therapist’s info to dig up. You call out to Izuku on your way in, but no one replies, just Sbeve barreling at you at top speeds from the top of the stairs. Sbeve’s proven to be quite the cuddle bug, curling right up in your arms as you walk around the house looking for Izuku.

He’s not downstairs. He’s not in the basement. You don’t find him in the kitchen, the library, or his secret study. Then, just for completion’s sake, you glance outside and realize his car isn’t even here. He must not have mentioned he was going out.

No matter. It just gives you time to focus on other things—Sbeve to cuddle up with you while you go through your laptop. A chill, quiet night in. You can work with that.

The group of them meets up on campus, the sun already having set in the November cold. They meet up under a streetlamp outside the library. In attendance: Tsuyu and Mina, representing the only humans present. Also in attendance: Izuku, Neito, Hitoshi, and an unexpected face, accompanying Hitoshi.

Neito is the first to recognize him. “Dr. Aizawa?”

“Monoma. You have a project due tonight, as I recall.”

He shakes his head, waves it off. “We finalized it earlier. [name] should be submitting it sometime right around now.”

He nods, lets out a long-suffering sigh. “Sorry for crashing the Disenthrallment Council or whatever you’re calling it. Hitoshi asked me for advice, as his sire, so I guess I’m also helping out with this.”

“No, no problem!” Izuku says, waving his hands a touch frantically. “It’s rare to see you outside of staff meetings!”

Dr. Aizawa arches an eyebrow at him. “You don’t even work on campus.”

“Well, I… Y-yeah, I guess so!” He clams right back up.

“So, then. Who’s leading this, anyway?”

“Leading?” Mina echoes. “No one’s really a leader here. We’re not really directed enough for that.”

“I’ll start us off, then. I don’t have all night.”

“R-right…”

“What’s the current status on trying to disenthrall this student?”

Tsuyu raises her hand, more out of instinct than anything. “We’ve just gotten information from Tenya about what the enthrallment covers this week. We’re still figuring out a strategy, kero.”

Neito nods. “We thought to start trying by sort of prying at the “edges” of their memory, but…”

“What’s the “edge” of a memory, anyway?” Mina complains. “It’s fine to say that, but what does that even mean?”

“Like where their memories are weak?”

She hums, dissatisfied with the answer.

“I thought I was finding the edge of one of those memories at the end of our project meeting today, but it seems I was unsuccessful… I doubt I’ll, personally, have many more opportunities.” Neito sighs. “It’s a shame, too.”

Dr. Aizawa looks over each of them slowly, tired eyes closing as he thinks. “So, what you’re trying to do is get them to focus on the weaker parts of the thrall?”

“Yeah,” Hitoshi says. “We’re looking, basically, for bits of memories where they don’t seem to change the subject as quickly, and pressing those.”

“Why don’t you look for a way to force them to look at the memories as a whole?” he asks.

Izuku shakes his head. “It’s no good. They start reacting pretty negatively, and last time, they got a very serious headache. I’m worried that it’ll create more damage by forcing them to face the thrall head-on.”

“Are you worried it’ll hurt them, or are you worried that it’ll be uncomfortable?”

“Well, I… it’s not that, i-it’s just…”

Dr. Aizawa sighs. “You were a medical doctor at one point, weren’t you? Have you ever handled a dislocated shoulder?”

Izuku cringes a bit. “I have. And I understand what you’re saying, but—“

“Then you know that sometimes forcing a patient through the pain is necessary for them to do any healing.”

“But it should be done by a trained professional!” he protested. “You risk so much more damage to the dislocated joint if you put it back without the correct training, the correct precautions, the right approach and technique and—“

“Do you think you’ll find anyone who has that training in this situation? As far as I’ve heard, no one alive knows how to do what you kids are trying to do. There are no experts, and there is no right approach or any sort of training. You’re just going to have to do the painful thing.”

“I don’t… I don’t know about all that…” Izuku says, quietly and to himself. The conversation is already blazing forward without his enthusiasm.

“If you were to take the route of forcing them to acknowledge their own memories, then I guess the best route would be to present them with evidence of things they’ve forgotten. They’ve had their memories overwritten, yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“There should be evidence somewhere to prove what’s actually happened. If they’ve got pictures hidden somewhere from back then, or if there were videos of them doing something they don’t remember doing, for example. Give them something they can’t look away from.”

“In other words,” Neito says, his phone buzzing in his hand, “smash the thrall.”

He checks the text, an eyebrow raised.

[name] to Neito at 6:04 PM

[name]: okay so project’s uploaded

[name]: I did some digging and found an email exchange with my old therapist

[name]: looks like she’s not currently open to new patients, but she’s got a waitlist you can get on to be contacted when she’s got time

[name]: anyways here’s her page

[name]: small.link/clear-skies-clinic

[name]: I remember her being really, really good and helpful, so hopefully she’ll be useful to you and everything. there wasn’t really much of anything I couldn’t tell her and feel comfy.

[name]: good luck with your new biting thing. or whatever.

Neito’s eyebrow arches higher. Not much they couldn’t tell her…

Neito: When did you see her, again?

[name]: weird question, but ok

[name]: like, two-ish years ago

“I guess I have some old pictures? But [name] might just think they were taken after they and Tenya “met”…” Mina has a hand on her shoulder as she brainstorms.

“We’ll have to spend some time gathering evidence.”

Dr. Aizawa nods. “It has to be enough evidence that they can’t possibly come up with an argument for it. I don’t think just a few pictures is going to cut it.”

Neito tunes them out, opening up the link you sent. There it is—the therapist’s contact info, a professional picture of her—pleasant expression, glasses, white hair with little shocks of red. Below the photo, the text reads: Dr. Fuyumi Todoroki: Licensed Mental Health Counselor, EdD, LCMHC, LCAS.

“Hey. Van Helsing wannabe.”

Neito’s eyes snap away from the therapist’s email address. “Hm?”

“Wow, you actually answered to that.”

He rolls his eyes. “What?”

“Are you listening or what?”

“Oh, yeah, sorry. Our resident thrall was texting.”

Hitoshi rolls his eyes in return. “If you could pay attention, that would be great.”

“No, no, I think the distraction was good. How long do you suppose therapists keep their notes?”

“If they’re following local regulations, seven years, kero.” Tsuyu tilts her head. “Why are you asking?”

“I may have something of a debatably ethical idea.”

Fall break settles nicely around you. All projects out of the way, homework binged on the first day of break, finds you instead focused on texting and trying to coordinate any kind of holiday feast with your friends. Draped across the living room couch, you text, keeping one eye on the little ball of fluff perched atop the cat tree.

capris are for drinking to Friendliest Friends at 1:59PM

capris are for drinking: Alright bitches it’s noon I need you to wake up and sound off @ET come home

ET come home: excuse you, I’ve been in the dance studio since like 6am

ribbit: that doesn’t actually disprove that you were sleeping

capris are for drinking: @I Must Proceed With Speed sound off

I Must Proceed With Speed: Oh, good. Someone changed my nickname again.

ET come home: <3

capris are for drinking: <3

ribbit: <3

capris are for drinking: it is now officially fall break!

ET come home: fall break started yesterday

capris are for drinking: not according to the fall 2050 academic calendar it didn’t!

capris are for drinking: anyways shut up

capris are for drinking: and give me your guyseseses schedules

capris are for drinking: we need to coord friendsgiving and I’m free infinitely at the moment so I’m the common denominator

You hear movement behind you. Sbeve hasn’t left line of sight, which leaves one option…

“Hey, Izuku. Plans for holiday stuff this week?”

Izuku freezes in the doorway to the kitchen area, staring at you blankly. “Oh. I forgot about Thanksgiving.”

You shake your head. “Not Thanksgiving. But we do do a Friendsgiving-type thing. I’m working on organizing it with the usual group, but we will need to figure out where to host. We could do it here, if you’re okay with it…? Obviously you’re invited.”

“I’ve got no plans or anything, so feel free! I can help put it all together and everything, too.”

“We do it like a potluck feast. Mina, Tsuyu, and Tenya all would be bringing stuff, so we won’t be worrying about all of the food.”

He comes to lean on the back of the couch as you text and talk. “So who’s in charge of what?”

“We haven’t figured it out yet. Let’s see…”

ET come home: I’m good for tomorrow if you guys are

I Must Proceed With Speed: I don’t have any particular plans, though the notice is short

capris are for drinking: yeah, sorry about that! it’s been… you know, a lot, recently.

capris are for drinking: school bullshit and prepping for exams and like, writing an entire paper with… well, you know, tenya

capris are for drinking: what about saturday? would that work better?

I Must Proceed With Speed: much better.

ribbit: works for me!

ET come home: I’m down!

capris are for drinking: great. zuku says we can host here if that’s okay?

ET come home: oh good more excuses for you not to leave the house ;)

capris are for drinking: fuck you <3

Their agreements sound off, and soon, with Izuku peeking over your shoulder and offering suggestions, food is coordinated. It’ll take some time preparing—in fact, probably the rest of today planning and shopping—but you wouldn’t miss it for the world.

Planning is, actually, the worst part. You find yourself sitting at the kitchen counter, notebook in front of you, head in your hands as Izuku takes inventory of the fridge and pantry.

“I can’t do it,” you moan. “It’s so much thinking. My brain’s too fried.”

“It’s not that bad. Look, what does Tsuyu always bring?”

“Kickasserole.”

“Is… is that the official name?”

“Didn’t used to be, but we renamed it. It’s kickasserole these days.”

He laughs, then nods. “Okay, so we don’t need to worry about the casserole. What’s Mina always bring?”

“Pie. Oh my god her pie is so good. She brings, like, four of them. We don’t need to worry about dessert.”

“Great! No worries about dessert, then. What’s Tenya bring?”

“Tenya always brings the turkey, but he hasn’t been coming ever since his—“

You stop. Furrow your brow.

…

“…sorry,” you say after a long moment. That’s strange. You had a sentence in your head, but it just… vanished. “My head kinda hurts, lost my train of thought there. So I was saying, that leaves us with bread rolls, mashed potatoes, drinks. Mina does alcohol, but Tsuyu’s not much of a drinker, so we should have another option or two on deck.”

Izuku watches you for a second. You shift under his gaze, nervously turning back to your notes. “What was it you were saying before?” he asks after a moment.

“What?”

“Tenya hasn’t been coming ever since what?”

You arch a brow. “What are you talking about? I just met Tenya in, like, January. Of course he hasn’t been coming.”

“I’m just saying, y-you didn’t even think about including him in your plans, right? You just already knew to do so.”

“Yeah? Friendsgiving is with the lunch bunch. It’s not like I’d exclude him. We’re over that whole fight, I think. And I’m not the only one deciding, after all.”

“But he also didn’t seem surprised by your suddenly bringing it up,” he presses. “Isn’t that weird?”

You shrug. “I probably brought it up like, last week and just forgot. We run into each other on campus all the time.”

He frowns, but says nothing, and you return to planning, then to shopping, then to prepping, all in a smooth line.

Tenya is the first to arrive that day, carrying in a hefty tray with you-know-exactly-what as you hold Sbeve back. He sets it down, and it’s not long until the other two arrive—Mina with her pies, carried in in two trips, and Tsuyu with her kickasserole. The meal settles in, your friends with it, and the day passes without incident. Even Tenya and Izuku seem to be getting close to getting along. Kind of.

They leave in the opposite order they came. Tsuyu has to leave to pick up her brother from his friend’s house, Mina rolls out with a sly look that implies she’s wanting to give you alone time with your housemate. Tenya is the one who lingers, petting Sbeve’s head with three thick fingers in your living room as you walk him to the door.

“Thanks for coming,” you say at the door.

He nods. “Of course.”

“It was short notice and all.”

“I really don’t mind. It’s good to be flexible!”

You sigh, smiling as not even a hint of a glow comes to him. “Thank you, then.”

There’s a moment where both of you pause at the door. The pair of you stand there, not speaking. Sbeve’s purring fills the silence between you, and in that air, your questions hang.

You wonder where Tenya gets his drinks. He’s never so much as looked at you, Mina, or Tsuyu for blood, although your collective knowledge of his vampirism is fairly recent. Still, to not even have asked… has there ever been a moment where he seemed to be off? Thirsty? Is it the family hospital? How would his brother feel if—

…his brother?

“…say, Tenya—“

“Before I go, I’d like to speak with you,” he says, and he’s not looking at you. His eyes are past you, where Izuku has frozen on his way into the kitchen with plates in hand.

“O-oh! Uh, no problem. Would you prefer this be private, or—“

He barely takes a moment to consider it. “Yes, actually. If you don’t mind, [name]…”

“No, no! Go right ahead.”

Your vampires head further in, and you’re left with Sbeve, sitting on the couch with Tenya’s dish, waiting for them to have their talk.

“I need to apologize to you.”

Tenya says it before the door’s even closed, his voice low, and Izuku bristles.

“O-okay?”

When the door clicks closed, Tenya lets out a long, sad sigh, his hand lingering on the doorknob. “I have been unfair to you from the moment [name] mentioned you. I’m sorry for that.”

Izuku is silent, staring at him with a furrowed brow. When Tenya lets him marinate in the silence, he gives in to speaking. “Why are you apologizing now?”

“Stop trying to break their thrall. The others will be fine, but…”

“Why?”

“You haven’t gone through the information I sent you?”

“I know that the two of you have known each other for a while, but…”

Tenya meets his eyes, a deep-set frown on his lips. “Their thrall is likely not possible to break. But if it is, and you do it, you will be driving them away. They will likely remember who they were when they were enthralled, and though I don’t deserve it, if they truly remember me…”

“I get it. That’s a choice [name] will have to make for themselves.”

“You’re going to keep trying? Even if it means you lose them?”

“It’s not about that. I’m doing this for them, not me.”

Izuku has to wonder. He hates it, but he has to wonder: would he be lying, in your eyes?

“I’m sure there’s plenty that you’re smarter than me about. You have the years and experience to have reached that point, not to mention far too much schooling. But I think you’re doing something incredibly stupid by choosing to keep on with this.”

Tenya cracks the door, about to leave. Izuku flashes him a thin smile. “Thank you for apologizing.”

“I doubt it will happen again.”

Izuku watches Tenya leave. He needs a moment to himself.

Tenya comes to you alone, Izuku nowhere in sight. You nearly miss him on his way out the door, though your attention snaps to him the moment you hear him.

“Mind if I ask what all that was about?”

“I do, unfortunately,” he says.

You smile. “No worries.”

There it is again. That awkwardness. There’s something hanging in the air. A kind of tension in your chest, a closure that’s missing, that can never come, because you haven’t the first clue what you’re even looking for.

“Thank you again. I know you don’t like Izuku, so… thank you for playing nice with him tonight. Please tell me you weren’t in there threatening him again.”

“No, nothing of the sort.”

To your relief, he isn’t lying. You pass him back his dish, brain reaching for the question you’d wanted to ask him before, but you can’t seem to get a grip on it.

“Have a good night, Tenya.”

This is weird. This is really weird.

He pulls you into a hug, soft and big and painful on a level you can’t understand.

“Good night, [name].”

On your porch, he pauses, looking back at you. “Before I forget. You wanted to ask something before, didn’t you? Sorry I interrupted you.”

You shake your head. “I can’t remember what it was. Don’t worry about it, okay, Tenya?”

He nods and bids you one last goodnight. You watch him go.

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idontpreferit · 9 months ago

Text

The "are straight men not allowed in lesbian spaces" discourse:

What we are leaving out are: bi women and their boyfriends, pan people, non binary people, gay men, or other reasons a man may find himself allowed in a specifically lesbian space. We are not talking about the overall umbrella of queer space. We are talking abt the Lesbian™️ space. The lesbian still exists. And we aren't talking about the discourse therein.

Cracks knuckles

The straight woman in question lacks nuance and u know its not in good faith when she says "I get it BUT"

The "but" stands for butthurt

The whole problem is that what was decentered or simply erased from the conversation was THE MAN being disrespectful and entitled. The reason that anything happened at all was cuz : ObViOuSLy he made himself a problem.

Treat every gun like it's loaded.

That's how women, queer people, poc, every minority thinks about cis straight white men. Potentially dangerous. Safety check.

He probably wasn't dangerous! But people who acted like him have ended up dangerous. If you're showing the same symptoms I don't feel safe, right? Come the fuck on diva, death of a thousand cuts from these guys

Top comment on her tiktok was "I'm so tired"

What I do at *my* event is take a note from the euro model and have a door picker deadass turn people away if they don't pass a vibe check

And what is that vibe check? Rejection. Maybe it's a witch hunt model too where if they drown they're not a witch, oops. Better safe than sorry though

Interesting metaphor to draw tho cuz you know how like the witch trials actually happened

And the worst thing to happen to a man is he gets rejected

So look, rejection isn't easy for EITHER of us and especially not for my fawn response having ass

Rejection therapy is a real thing

But my event is a queer, trans, kinky space and if you can't handle rejection you have no business interacting in this space.

That's not just safe space that's fortified.

I want a system where the trash takes itself out. The people r butthurt cuz they couldn't get in?? Probably their first time experiencing rejection or lack of belonging. Enjoy the novelty, babes. The deliciousness of experiencing marginalization as a snack. Cissies love it, they go make a tiktok and go viral and make the news.

But a Black enby gets turned away at a "regular" (not queer centered) club, they don't make news huh

The problem with the queen who says "we as lgbt need to do better" here's how I'm gonna put words in your mouth as a favor. What you mean by that is:

We need to do better and install door pickers permanently. Do better at rejecting ignorant disrespectful entitled straight people, specifically. I'm not saying all straight people are all those spicy adjectives all the time. I'm saying those types of straight people, the ones who got mad, lack the understanding and respect necessary to be welcome in those spaces. You showed your ass, just like when we hear a "not all men" we know you're That Kind of Man to Watch Out For.

I hate to "kids these days" about it, but conflict and rejection and resolution and acceptance are not something that many people are equipped to handle right now. It doesn't seem like conflict resolution happened in person that night at the cubbyhole. Miss thing took to the internet and let a bunch of pfps pop off in the comments. Did learning happen? Or did defensiveness dig her heels in? Well either way she and her man aren't going to a lesbian bar ever again.

There's hope for her to learn maybe but her little man friend I think is gonna dig heels, stay defensive and butthurt, and throw the dyke slur around. Because the worst thing that can happen to a man is that he's rejected. And he isn't in the spotlight, he's all protected in his privacy huh, when its his fucking fault. Now the ladies are doing all the work communicating, as usual

But with therapy, maybe in a few generations... rejection won't feel like death anymore

Conflict won't feel like death anymore

When people ask a question it'll actually be in good faith because they wanna be humble and learn

And then! We'd welcome anybody with open arms

And gender will finally be dead

Or some shit

0 notes

thecarnivorousmuffinmeta · 4 years ago

Note

There's this sort of trope I've noticed in a lot of Twilight fanfiction where the Cullens do not return as quickly as they did in canon during New Moon and somehow inexplicably run into Bella years later, when she's in her early-to-mid twenties and I was wondering how you think this would go? In my head the Cullens would skedaddle the second they got a whiff of Bella, but suspending disbelief there I always have a hard time buying it whenever older Bella ends up back together with Edward.

I think it depends on the Cullen in question, or, if it’s all the Cullens together.

The Yoko Ono Effect

To be honest, if the Cullens had stayed away in New Moon, I don’t think they would have made it as a singular unit to five-ten years down the road. The cracks were already to show even a few months in.

This isn’t to say Bella is responsible for the collapse of the Cullens, I believe they’re doomed anyway, but she serves as a catalyst.

After leaving Forks in New Moon the Cullens immediately begin drifting apart.

Edward is despondent and depressed, within a few weeks leaves the coven, and travels down the continent until he reaches Rio where he stays for months. Note, Edward knew by the time he hit Rio that he had long since lost Victoria’s trail (for the record, he lost her in Mexico) but I think it’s very telling he does not return to the coven.

I don’t think Edward was ever coming back.

This puts a significant strain on Emse, as Edward is far and away her favorite child, and she’s noted as being anxious and severely unhappy with Edward’s disappearance. In time, I believe this would lead to the collapse of Esme and Carlisle’s dumpster fire marriage (which at this point only survives on denial and miscommunication).

Alice and Jasper leave the group to both a) get out of dodge b) investigate Alice’s past. While they do later return things are... awkward.

Rosalie desperately tries to keep the family together, tells Edward the bad news to a) be the only one with the balls to tell him and b) hopefully get him to come back to the family. This, obviously, doesn’t work.

I think without Bella’s suicide attempt the coven would have broken apart probably within the year. Rosalie desperately would have tried to keep them together, but Esme would crack and go to be with Edward, Carlisle would let her go, Alice and Jasper would probably keep their heads down and go on extended honeymoons, and eventually they all realize there’s just nothing to go back to.

They go their separate ways.

The Cullens Are Still Cullening

But lets pretend that things work out.

Edward gets tired of being depressed in Rio and comes back to... be depressed with the family. To be honest, I don’t think he’d get over this. Edward was severely depressed before Bella.

He was very contemptuous not only of his own family but of humanity in general. Yes, he has this very strange idolation of humanity but he also views them as inherently beneath him and lesser. High school is his purgatory where he listens to the mundane thoughts of mundane mayfly humans.

He outright despises Jasper and Rosalie and even Carlisle, who he adores, he often views as something of a fool in great need of Edward’s personal protection.

Edward has lost all passion in life, even in his hobbies like music, and is slowly but surely spiraling down into a place where he can never recover. His obsession with Bella, while far from a good thing, brings light back into his life.

This is an Edward who gave that all up and willingly returns back to what he used to be. And I think that would destroy something in him. Frankly, I think it’d leave him in an even worse place than canon.

So, if the Cullens run into a now adult Bella...

Well, it’d be a clusterfuck.

Edward will be very conflicted as he tried to leave for Bella’s own good but now she’s done exactly what he wanted. She grew up and got over him, Edward presumably means nothing to her now.

Worse, there is now such a gap between them. Edward is physically much younger than she is now, he poses as a high school student while she’s an adult. Bella’s fears were warranted, she’s too old for him now, and in many ways has outgrown him.

If Bella’s in any sort of relationship with anyone, I think Edward would flip his lid, and murder her significant other. As he often fantasized murdering Mike as well as her nameless future husband. If she’s single...

I think with enough time, distance, and therapy Bella would be able to make significant strides towards a healthier mindset. She’d get over her depression and in turn over Edward. She might be angry at him for a while but in time would likely decide that he had left her for what were immature but noble reasons.

What they had was nice, but the relationship was never going to last. Even when she was a teenager, she knew this, which was why she so desperately wanted to be a vampire.

She likely might talk to him to find closure, but I imagine a more mature Bella realizes they know nothing about each other. She’s had so much time in her life now without him and he’s so different from what she remembered, younger. There’s no way to start a relationship, more, Edward himself realized it was never going to work.

I imagine Edward doesn’t take this well either. For all that Edward says he wants certain things, really, he does an impressive job making sure Bella never ran from him. Bella legitimately not being interested in him would destroy him and... likely lead to him devouring Bella eventually.

After all, Alice had predicted that Edward would not be able to stay away and that, ultimately, there are only two futures for Bella: death or vampire.

Edward Comes Back Alone

Alice had predicted that Edward would not be able to keep his distance from Bella. He tries twice. Once, in Twilight, when Alice first announces that Edward is in love with Bella and she will become a vampire. The second time is New Moon.

The first, he cracks in a week. It just doesn’t work out and Edward has a minature crisis over it and tells himself it’s fine because he has to protect her from spiders therefore he has to be in her life AND THIS IS FINE.

The second, he notes that he’s dangerously close to cracking and Alice predicted he couldn’t do it. He makes it six months, but does confess to Bella he often considered finding her again and watching her life from the shadows in Rio.

So, I highly doubt that Edward would make it to five or ten years or that he’d make it with the Cullens. He probably comes back alone by the time Bella’s senior year starts, and intends to watch her from the shadows.

Now, given the plot of Twilight, he realizes that nothing’s working out. Bella’s not free from the supernatural, as her best friend/potential new love interest is a werewolf who might maul her any second now. She’s being hunted by Victoria and everything’s spiralling out of control.

So, Edward probably gives up the charade fast and comes back to get Jake out of the picture and be very upset with Bella for ruining his plan. Bella’s just glad Edward is back. Given Edward probably calls the entire family back, who likely have nothing to say to this nonsense, things proceed pretty much as in canon.

Jasper Runs Across Bella

Considering the last time he saw her, Jasper would run like the hounds of hell are on his heels. This is a world in which he never sees much of Bella after the birthday incident and, as a result, is still mired in guilt. He can’t imagine Bella’s reaction upon seeing him in the wild nor does he want to.

Rosalie Runs Across Bella

Rosalie likely makes no contact. She probably views Bella with bitterness, sees her as the reason for the collapse of her family, and never understood Bella’s appeal in the first place. However, for all Rosalie’s bitterness, she wouldn’t take it out on Bella mostly because there’s nothing to say.

She’d just choose to be distantly happy for Bella that she got to live her human life and glad she adjusted well.

Emmett Runs Across Bella

Emmett and Bella don’t actually know each other that well, Emmett certainly has no personal connection with her. He wouldn’t make contact because it’d be awkward and would piss off Rose.

Alice Runs Across Bella

Alice doesn’t agree with Edward, but she’s also proving a point to him and ultimately values Edward far more than she does Bella. She’ll abide by his rules and not speak to Bella. Also, she sees that if she tries, there’s no way the conversation goes well as Alice would have to explain why she never answered any emails.

Best to avoid that.

Esme Runs Across Bella

Esme values Edward over everything, and while she perhaps thinks that Bella could fix Edward’s desperate unhappiness I think she’d acknowledge that Edward also doesn’t want to see her. She’d snoop from afar but ultimately, I don’t think she’d make contact.

If she did, it’d be with the sole purpose of matchmaking the adult Bella with Edward, which would lead to disaster.

Carlisle Runs Across Bella

Carlisle I think actually would talk to her, to offer up some explanation of what happened and how they got where they are. He and Bella would likely talk about vampires, the Cullen way of life, etc. and ultimately go their separate ways.

He’d try to give closure if she wants it but nothing more than that.

Though if he thinks Bella doesn’t want to talk/see him or any Cullen, he’d likely also make himself scarce.

Some Thoughts On Fanfiction

But that’s not why people are writing these types of stories, and, really while I can give my depressing takes on Twilight I think it’s fair to note that people write these fics for significantly different reasons.

#twilight #twilight meta #twilight headcanon #twilight renaissance #edward cullen #anti edward cullen #bella swan #edward/bella #anti edward/bella #jasper whitlock #alice cullen #rosalie hale #emmett cullen #carlisle cullen #esme cullen #the cullens #meta #headcanon #opinion

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noforkingclue · 3 years ago

Text

I Just Want To Sleep (Bucky x reader)

Summary: If you had a chance to get rid of your nightmares forever would you take it? Even if that solution was to share a bed with someone you just about tolerated?

Paring: Bucky Barnes x reader

Warnings: mutual pining, angst

MCU tag list: @geocookie21

Everything tag list: @greenrevolutionary

Everyone had nightmares, they were just another part of the job. It was known that most people got them, whether they lasted a couple of days after a mission or a lifetime. It was a fact that everyone knew about but just didn’t talk about it. That sort of thing wasn’t done.

Nightmares always varied from person to person but always involved what people were working on. The lives they failed to save whether from friends, colleagues or innocent bystanders. You were used to hearing people waking up screaming or sobbing, people going to therapy but never talking to anyone else about it. But those weren’t the worst types to have. The worst was when people remembered the lives of the innocents they had taken themselves. The sounds of breaking bones and skulls shattering, children crying over the bodies of their parents begging them to wake up although you knew they never would.

The nightmares that made you question whether or not you were the heroes or the villains. The ones that made you question your own morals.

You had forgotten the last time you had gotten a decent nights last as you laid awake looking up at the ceiling. Eventually you sighed and got out of bed knowing that you’d never get back to sleep. You walked into the small kitchen of the safe house and poured yourself a glass of water.

“Couldn’t sleep either?”

You jumped at the sound of Bucky’s voice breaking the silence of the night. You turned around and saw him lounging on the sofa, the blanket half hanging off of him. You made a point of only looking directly at his face, determined not to let your eyes wander over his bare chest.

“Same to you.” You said

“Everything alright?”

“Yes. Why shouldn’t it be?”

“Heard you scream.”

You hesitated for a moment before saying quietly,

“Just nightmares, nothing new. You?”

“Same.”

There was a beat of silence. You looked around, uncomfortable with where this conversation was going. You never spoke to anyone about your nightmares, even trying to avoid the topic with your therapist. Sam kept telling you it was unhealthy and while you knew he was right you didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of knowing it.

“Do you want to talk about it?” asked Bucky

“Do you want to talk about yours?”

Bucky’s silence told you anything. You gave him a pointed look as you took you water and left the room. Just because you and Bucky were working together didn’t mean that you had to open up completely to him. Not at all.

It was late (or early depending on who you asked) by the time you and Bucky collapsed back into the safe house. The mission took longer than both of you were expecting and all you wanted to do was curl up and sleep.

“My turn to take the sofa.” You said

Bucky had been insistent that you took the bed when you two work together. He was strangely adamant that you shouldn’t share and you guessed that it was some hangover from the nineteen forties. You had argued that it was unfair that he was forced on the sofa each night and forced him to alternate who took the bed.

“You should take the bed again,” said Bucky, “You need it more than I do.

“Don’t bullshit me,” you said, “You might be a super soldier but I saw how hard you got hit. Take the bed.”

“No.”

“Yes.”

“No.”

You and Bucky glared at each other and while you were tired you weren’t about to give in. When Bucky smirked you knew he had a plan and when he laid down on the sofa he said,

“And where will you sleep now?”

“Move.”

“No.”

“Move please.”

“Make me.”

“If you don’t move right now I’ll sleep on top of you.”

“I don’t think you will.”

You smirked back at him before walked over and put your full bodyweight on him. Bucky groaned as you rested your head on his chest. Instinctively he wrapped his arms around you to prevent you falling off and you had to resist the urge to blush as he did so.

“You’re really stubborn you know that?” he said

“It’s one of my most endearing features.”

“You’re not moving are you?”

“Fine.” He grumbled

“Night Bucky.”

“Night y/n.”

You opened your eyes and groaned as the bright light assaulted them. Strong arms tightened around your waist and for a brief moment you had forgotten about what happened last night. You sat up with a jolt which caused Bucky’s grip on you to slip and for you to fall to the floor. Bucky sat bolt upright before looking down at you in amusement.

“Nice night Princess?” he asked

“What time is it?” you asked

Bucky shrugged and you glared up and you hunted for your watch. When you found it you blinked, not quite believing the time.

“Well?” Bucky asked as he lay back down

“What time did we get in last night?”

Bucky shrugged

“About three.”

“It’s ten in the morning.”

“Then you’re watch is wrong.”

“No it’s not. Fuck,” you ran your fingers through your hair, “I can’t remember the last time I slept for seven hours straight.”

“That isn’t healthy.”

“Oh and you’re the person who can comment on healthy sleeping patterns.”

“Never said I was doll.”

You looked over your shoulder and glared at Bucky when he used the nickname.

“Must’ve just been because we were tired,” you muttered, “That’s it!”

“Hmm.”

Bucky didn’t sound convinced and you rolled your eyes.

“You got a better idea?” you asked

Bucky sat up and swung his legs over the side of the sofa. You rested your back against the side of the sofa and looked up at him.

“Maybe,” he said slowly, “It has something to do with last night.”

“Last night?”

“When you fell asleep in my arms.”

“Only because you were being stubborn!”

“Right.”

You groaned and ran a hand over your face. You looked up at Bucky and you could see the hopeful uncertainty in his eyes. A way of helping your nightmares without having to openly discuss them with anyone else.

What did you have to lose?

“You’re taking up the whole bed!”

“No I’m not.”

“Well your leg is on my side.”

“This is a single bed. There are no sides!”

You and Bucky were back to back trying to cram into a too small bed. When it was just one of you the bed was the perfect size but it definitely wasn’t made for two people. You tried to pull some of the blanket over you but Bucky kept a firm grip on it.

“Give me some of that!”

“You have plenty.”

“Ugh,” you sat up and glared at him, “This was a stupid idea. Why did I even agree to it? Move, I’ll sleep on the sofa.”

“No, you’re not going anywhere Princess.”

“Excuse me?”

“Err,” Bucky just realised what he had said, “That came out creepier than I intended.”

“You don’t say.”

“But please, just one more night.”

You wanted to say no, you really did, but one look at his pleading gaze had you melting. You sighed and nodded. He gave you a dazzling grin as you laid back down.

“But you need to move over.” You muttered

“Don’t blame me,” came the answer, “I’m not the person you decided it was a good idea to only supply single beds.”

You shifted again and your leg brushed Bucky’s. For a brief second he pressed back against yours and you closed your eyes enjoying the sensation. You had forgotten how nice it was to sleep next to someone again even if the both of you might end up waking each other up with your nightmares. Eventually you heard Bucky sigh.

“It isn’t working like this.”

“I told you- hey!”

To your surprise Bucky didn’t get out of bed. Instead he pulled you into his arms. You were practically lying on top of him, your head resting against his chest. It was different from last time then you were half asleep but now you had never been more awake. Bucky moved so your leg slipped in between his and he rested his chin on top of your head. If anyone broke in now they’d probably mistake the two of you as a couple. You had never been more grateful that Sam had been out of the country.

“Better?” asked Bucky

“Yes.”

“You sure? You sound a bit-“

“I’m just tired.”

“Right. Night.”

“Night.”

And just like the night before you had the best night’s sleep in years, safely wrapped in the arms of a highly trained killer.

“What’s going on between you and Bucky? I left the two of you for a month and now you’re practically on top of each other.”

You couldn’t contain your blush as Sam looked at you over the rim of his coffee cup. He raised an eyebrow at your reaction and you said quickly,

“It isn’t what you think.”

“And what’ll that be.”

“We’re not sleeping with each other.”

“Right.”

“I mean, technically we are sleeping with each other.”

Sam, who had just taken a sip of his coffee, choked on it. He looked at you incredulously as you clarified,

“We’re not fucking. We’re literally just sharing a bed. I have absolutely no desire to have sex with Bucky Banes.”

“You’re probably one of the few people on this planet who wouldn’t.”

“Would you?”

Sam shrugged and you just rolled your eyes.

“But why? I thought you hated him.”

“I don’t hate him,” you said, “It’s just… complicated.”

“Complicated?”

“He helps… he helps with the nightmares.”

“You’re still having them.”

“Doesn’t everyone.”

“Y/n,” Sam said gently, “You need help.”

“I have a therapist.”

“Sharing a bed with Bucky isn’t going to fix things for the long run.”

“Might do.”

Sam gave you a disapproving look which you pointedly avoided. You knew deep down that he was right but you just couldn’t face talking about what had happened with anyone. You were too afraid, too paranoid, that your secrets would be leaked. That the trust you spent years rebuilding would be broken again in a heartbeat. You just weren’t ready to lose everyone again and if the solution to your problems meant Bucky then you gladly take it.

It was strange sharing a bed with someone after all these years. Bucky usually woke up early, usually after horrific nightmares about becoming the Winter Solider again and losing control. He would spend hours lying in bed, waiting for the sun to rise and the day to start again but now things were different.

Now he had you.

How calm and peaceful you looked when you slept, how your soft breaths made him feel at peace. The way your chest rose and fell and pressed against his. Bucky had been interested in your for a while, how most people avoided you and you only seemed to speak to Sam. How you avoided him when Sam first introduced the two of you until you were forced to work together. He wouldn’t lie, he was slightly jealous of how close you were to Sam even though he knew you relationship was strictly platonic.

Just like yours and his.

That’s the two of you were, colleagues, maybe even friends, cuddle buddies as you teasingly referred to it once. That’s something Bucky noticed, how you were slowly opening up to him. Slowly you once awkward conversations turned into slight teasing and, at least on his part, slightly flirting. Just the odd comment here and there just to see you blush and stumble over your words. Bucky thought it was cute how flustered you got over simple compliments and how you shyly returned them. He enjoyed the warm feeling he got whenever you flirted back even though neither of you were serious about it.

That was it, neither of you were serious about it. Bucky enjoyed your friendship at least that was what he was hoping this is. He liked the idea of you showing him your favourite films or books, showing him your favourite places around your home city. Him teaching you about his original time period, teaching you how to dance as he pulled you close while the two of you were awake. He closed his eyes and smiled as he slowly drifted off to sleep.

The two of you just being friends.

“Hey, a new restaurant just opened want to try it?”

“Can’t tonight Sam. I promise Buck that we’d watch Blade Runner tonight.”

“Blade Runner?”

“Yeah, never thought that he’d be a fan of Ridley Scott’s films.”

You held your mobile between your cheek and your shoulder as you put a bottle of wine in the fridge. Saturday’s were film nights between you and Bucky and you always looked forward to them. The nights when it was just the two of you curled up on your sofa. Bucky’s arm over your shoulder, a bowl of popcorn between you and an empty pizza box on the table. It was quickly becoming your favourite night of the week. You could practically hear Sam’s raised eyebrow through the phone and you quickly added,

“But I’m free tomorrow afternoon.”

“And since when did you call him Buck?”

This made you pause. You didn’t know when that change happened. It just seemed to develop gradually and seemed to fit.

“And you guys spend most nights together.”

“It helps with the nightmares.” You said quietly

“Really? You sure there isn’t another reason?”

“What are you implying?”

“Are you going out.”

“What! Sam! No! Buck and I are just friends.”

“Hmm.”

Sam didn’t sound convinced and you rubbed your eyes. You were glad that he couldn’t see your face as you could feel yourself blushing. The sound of knocking at the door gave you your escape and you jumped out of your skin when you heard it.

“Sorry Sam,” you said quickly, “Got to go.”

“Don’t think this conversation is over.”

“Ok, whatever, bye.”

You hung up and dashed towards the door. As you opened it and looked up into Bucky’s smiling face you knew the Sam’s words were going to be harder to forget than you initially thought.

You were right, you couldn’t get Sam’s words out of your head. They echoed around as Bucky pulled you close, seemingly engrossed in the film. You were just his friend but ow you longed to be more. How you wanted his eyes to light up whenever he saw you. In hindsight this was a stupid idea, sharing a bed with someone, even in a completely non-sexual way, something was bound to happen. Even if it was just missing the warmth of someone next to you while you slept.

You rolled over so you were facing Bucky. His arms were still wrapped around you and it surprised you about how easily it was to fall asleep in his arms, even with his metal arm curled tightly around you. You raised a hand and gently traced it alone his cheekbones and along his face.

Your gaze dropped to his lips as your fingers grazed along them. How you longed to feel them pressed against yours, to have his arms around you during the day and not just to help the both of you sleep at night.

Just then Bucky shifted in his sleep and rolled over. For a sickening moment you wondered if you had accidently woken him up, however, and much to your relief, that wasn’t the case. Bucky rolled onto his back and dragged you with him. You head was resting against his chest and you smiled as you rested against it and heard the steady thump of his heartbeat. You might as well make the most of it while it lasted.

After all, this couldn’t go on forever.

“Morning.”

You looked at Bucky as he entered your kitchen while you poured yourself a cup of tea. He wrapped an arm around your shoulders but you quickly removed yourself from his arms. These touches were becoming less platonic and more romantic especially since your conversation with Sam. You didn’t want to give Bucky the wrong impression or to get your feelings crushed.

“You ok?” he asked, “Did you sleep alright.”

“I slept fine.”

“Ok.” Bucky said slowly

You inhaled deeply as you turned so your back was facing Bucky. This was hard to do but you didn’t want to lead him on. You never meant to develop feelings for Bucky or for him to imagine that there was more to this than was originally planned.

“I think we need to talk.” You said at last

“Nothing ever good happens after those words,” Bucky said, “What’s wrong?”

You looked over your shoulder at him. Bucky was smiling softly but his eyes told a different story. Anxiety was laced inn them and you winced and looked away. You took another sip of your tea and Bucky took a step towards you. He lifted your chin and you looked in his eyes. You pulled your chin free and said,

“We need to stop this.”

“What?”

“This was a stupid idea,” you said, “I never should’ve agreed to it.”

“But it’s helping.”

You walked away as Bucky quickly followed you. This wasn’t how it was supposed to go. He wasn’t meant to resist, he was meant to agree and let you go. It was supposed to be easy to let go of him.

“For you maybe.” You said

“What do you?”

“They’re back Bucky. My nightmares are back.

They weren’t, they hadn’t been back for months. You couldn’t stand seeing the pained look on Bucky’s face at your lie and you felt dirty for saying it. He took a step closer but stopped when you backed away.

“Why didn’t you say anything.” He said softly

“Because it was helping you.”

“Right.”

“So what are you going to do now?”

“See a therapist I suppose.”

“Good. I, umm, hope it helps.”

“Same.”

“I’ll umm, I should be going.”

“You can stay for breakfast.”

“No,” Bucky said sharply, then winced at his tone, “No,” he repeated softly, “I should leave. I’ll see you around.”

“Yeah, sure.”

It was only when the door clicked softly behind him that you allowed yourself to crumple on the ground, tears pouring down your face.

“What’s wrong.”

“Nothing.”

“That’s bullshit.”

“Drop it Sam.”

“Buck-“

“Don’t call me that.”

“Y/n can.”

Sam saw the way Bucky flinched when he said your name. Bucky was currently lying on Sam’s sofa which almost gave Sam a heart attack when he walked into his living room that morning. It was too early to deal with whatever happened between the two of you and Sam needed at least two cups of coffee before dealing with it.

“What happened.” He asked

“Nothing.”

“Then why does it feel like you’ve come here after she dumped you.”

“She didn’t dump me.”

“So you dumped her?”

“We weren’t dating.”

“But you were sharing a bed.”

“It wasn’t like that,” Bucky put a hand over his eyes, “It was just a way coping with our nightmares, at least,” he sighed, “I thought it was.”

“Oh?”

“Turns out she was still having them. Stopped it this morning.”

“Oh.”

Bucky looked over at Sam who was looking slightly guilty. He sat up and glared at his friend.

“Do you know what happened?” he asked

“No.”

“What do you say to her?”

“Nothing I wouldn’t say to you.”

“Which is.”

“You like her.”

“She’s my friend.”

“I mean,” Sam sighed, “You want to date her.”

“She’s my friend.”

“So? It’s obvious that you’re in love with her and she’s in love with you.”

“I don’t love her and she certainly doesn’t love me.”

“Then why are you here looking like you’re about to cry yourself to sleep after eating all my ice cream and watching shitty rom coms?”

“This was a bad idea.”

“Look, you can crash on my sofa if it makes you feel better,” said Sam, “But you need to sort this out with y/n. It’s hard enough listening to her when she talks about you.”

“She talks about me?”

The soft smile on Bucky’s face told Sam everything.

“All the fucking time.”

“What does she say?”

“Oh no,” Sam held up his hands, “You should talk to her about that.”

He heard Bucky’s groan as he collapsed back against his sofa. Sam could only hope that the two of you would stop dancing around each other and actually talk for once. He was getting tired of seeing you pine over one another.

“So, how long has it been since your last session with me?”

You shrugged.

“You have my notes Doc. You tell me.”

You therapist hummed in acknowledgement as she wrote a note in her notepad. You closed your eyes and tried to take calming breaths. This was a bad idea.

“So, tell me, how have you been?”

“Surviving.”

“Just that?”

“It’s been a shit couple of years. Give me some credit.”

“And what about your friends. You’ve been keeping in contact with them?”

“I talk to Sam.”

“Just Sam?”

“And Bucky.”

This earned you a raised eyebrow but nothing else.

“Sam introduced us,” you explained, “Couldn’t hang out with Sam without Bucky being there.”

“And are you two close?”

“Sam and I. Yes, he’s one of my closest friends. He was the only one who stuck with me after-“

You cut yourself off as your therapist said,

“Yes?”

“Doesn’t matter. You know what.”

“And what about you and Bucky.”

“It’s… complicated.”

“Want to elaborate.”

You were silent for a moment, weighing up your options, before you said,

“Nothing leaves this room right?”

“Of course.”

“Just making sure. We’ve been sleeping together.”

“You’ve entered a sexual relationship with the Winter Solider?”

“He’s not the Winter Solider anymore!” you exclaimed, “And no, it’s not sexual. We’ve just been sharing a bed.”

“Why?”

“It helps…”

“Helps with what?”

“My nightmares.”

“Y/n,” she sighed, “What did I tell you about your nightmares. If you’ve been having them you need to tell me.”

“They stopped when I was with him. Bucky helped me and I fucked up by stopping seeing him.”

“Right,” another hurried note, “And is this because you want your relationship with Bucky to become sexual.”

You flushed angrily and stood up. The therapist held your gaze before you said,

“This is over.”

As you marched out of the room you heard her call,

“Same time next week!”

You lasted one week, one week of constant nightmares before you cracked. You grabbed your phone and debated whether or not you should call him before swallowing your pride and calling him.

“Y/n.”

Bucky answered almost immediately. You smiled through your tears as you pulled your legs up to your chest.

“What happened? Are you ok? Talk to me.”

“I killed someone.”

Silence.

“Where are you.”

“In bed,” you said, “My mentor, that’s why I have these nightmares. She was a good person who fucked up. She was more like a friend than a teacher, taking me under her wing when no one else would. She never abandoned me and when she needed me the most I betrayed her.”

You took a shaky breath and continued,

“She betrayed us, SHIELD, she was selling intelligence. She was only doing it was she was being blackmailed, at least that was what she told me, but no one listened to her. Fury told me to bring her in but she wouldn’t listen. Told me that she’d rather die than be remembered as a traitor. There was a fight and I… and I…”

“Go on.”

“I stabbed her. I killed her. I held her bleeding body in my arms as she died. She told me that she’d been lying, that she wasn’t being blackmailed, that she did it for the money. This person that I had been defending with my entire being was a traitor. Afterwards nobody could look me in the eye. I don’t know if it was out of pity or mistrust. Sam was the only one who didn’t treat me any differently. He understood my pain, my conflict, he defended me. I still have nightmares of her, laughing at my foolishness as I choke the life out of her each night for the pain she put me through. Does that make me a bad person?”

“No.”

“No?”

“Compared to me, you’re a saint. You’re a good person who was in a difficult situation. You didn’t want to betray your friend. You’ve been hurt and you want revenge on the person who caused that. You’re not a bad person and never think that.”

“Buck?”

“Yeah?”

“Thank you.”

“Don’t mention it.”

“You’re a good person too.”

“I think you’re one too.”

That earned you a chuckled down the phone and you found yourself smiling at the sound.

“Princess,” Bucky said, “You don’t know how wrong you are.”

“I’m a fairly good judge of character.”

“Only when you’re awake. You sound half asleep. Get some rest.”

“What about y-“

“Don’t worry about me. Just try and get some sleep.”

“Anything for you Buck.”

“Good girl.”

“Good night.”

“Night.”

You hadn’t heard from Bucky for several weeks and every day you were debating on whether or not to call him. To hear his voice down the phone, for him to come over, to launch yourself into his arms and tell him how sorry you were. How you regretted ever telling him that you needed to stop this, that you missed him, that you loved him.

For the third night in a row you lay in bed staring up at the ceiling. You couldn’t get off to sleep, fears of seeing your dead mentor’s face filling you with dread. You continued with therapy and while it was helping it made you realise how much you missed Bucky. Suddenly a pounding at your door caused you to sit bolt upright. You hardly ever got any visitors especially at two in the morning.

“Y/n, y/n it’s me. Open this door. Please.”

Bucky.

You wasted no time in jumping out of bed and sprinting to your door. You flung it open and Bucky practically fell inside. His arms wrapped around you and pulled you into a tight hug. You walked backwards, still in Bucky’s arms, and he kicked the door closed behind him. When you felt your shoulder getting damped your eyes widened and you slowly returned the embrace.

“Bucky,” you said quietly, “What happened.”

“I kill you.”

“Umm.”

“Well, not me, he did. I wasn’t in control but I could feel everything. I was powerless to stop him as he took you away from me. I couldn’t… I couldn’t go on without knowing that it was all a nightmare. That you’re still alive.”

“I am,” you rested your head against Bucky’s shoulder, “I am. Fuck, I’m such an idiot.”

“Don’t say that.”

“No, I am. I never should’ve stopped this but I was afraid.”

“Afraid.”

Bucky looked up and you gave him a sad smile.

“I was afraid that you wouldn’t feel the same. That I have fucked up because I never expected to get used to this. To being with you and I knew that you didn’t feel the same. That I was just your friend, so I ended it before my feelings developed any further. I thought I was saving myself from pain and I ended up just hurting both of us. I lied Bucky, my nightmares did stop when I was with you but I was afraid of getting hurt.”

You buried your head against Bucky’s chest. His arms tightened around you as he rested his chin on top of your head.

“You have no idea,” he said at last, “How painful it has been to wake up in an empty bed. To know that you were out there and possibly in pain. That I was using you to actually fall asleep while you were in pain.”

“I hurt you though. I was selfish.”

“And I was being selfish as well.”

“No you weren’t.”

“Yes I was.”

“No you weren-“

You didn’t get to finish your sentence. Bucky had lifted your chin and pressed his lips against yours. You froze in his embrace. Of all the times you imagined kissing Bucky you never thought it would be with tears covering your face and on the verge of completely breaking down. When you weren’t returning the kiss Bucky reluctantly broke it. He moved away and opened his mouth but you wrapped your arms around him and pulled him back. You felt him smile against your lips and when you broke it gasping for air he rested his forehead against yours.

“You have no idea how long I’ve been wanting to do that.” He said quietly

“I think I have some idea,” you said, “Forgive me?”

“Yes.”

You relaxed and smiled up at him.

“Good. Now let’s get back to bed.”

“Princess, there’s nowhere else I’d rather be.”

#fanfiction #mcu #fatws #reader insert #bucky barnes #bucky x reader #bucky barnes x reader

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theobligatedklutz · 4 years ago

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tbh i love that julie's fam is so so supportive and her dad and brother's reactions to her singing... omg just rip my heart out pls. and yess the lack of toxic masculinity between luke, alex, and reggie! tbh i have never seen a show that displays the level of affection and pure joy between those teen boys like... ever??? especially when typically, esp with alex being gay, shows always play off guys affection with an emphasis of OMG WERE NOT GAY. and its like wtf chill out & also who cares?

Julie’s family is one of my favorite dynamics on the show. Carlos isn't the “ew familial affection, get out of my room, I hate my annoying sister” type of kid brother that we’ve all seen like billions of time on our screens. He shows affection in ways we’ve all longed to see -“I’m just trying to protect you” and ‘I’m not afraid to hug you’ and ‘my older sister is playing music again!’ and “there can be two men of the house” (like this kid is really something else). JATP said no to cliche family relations and gave us warm beautiful healthy relationships between family instead. Ray Molina is also such an affectionate soul with the way he acts around both his children - their little finger hugs (pls do not call me out on the way I phrased this im-), the constant check-ins with Julie and asking her how she’s doing (he’s 100% doing the same with Carlos too)- and the way Ray is willing to go far and wide to fulfill his kids’ wishes (ie. moving out, looking for a performing art school for Julie, supporting Julie and Carlos’ endeavors: music (he allowed a house party band performance!!! for goodness sakes!!!) and ghost hunting respectively) and his excitement for both Julie and Carlos (the rain of paper when Julie told him she got her spot back in her school and the mini french dip chef arc). One moment in particular that I absolutely love is when Ray comes into Julie’s bedroom and suggests she see Dr. Turner again but he notices immediately that Julie has tensed at the mention of therapy, he turns that conversation around so fast to make sure Julie is comfortable again (JUST INCREDIBLE - LEARN PARENTING FROM RAY, KIDS). And don’t get me started on Tia Victoria. This woman said ‘no, I have adopted the Molina family now and I will protect and care for them and they will not be eating leftovers or takeout! not on my watch.’ I want to see so many more moments of interactions between Tia and both Carlos and Julie and I want to see her interact with Ray more. Tia Tori epitomizes support and I want to see so much more of that, we need more of that.

One of the things I absolutely love about this show is how nonchalant everyone is about Alex being gay. Luke mentions it in passing so we are not left guessing about Alex’s sexuality especially in the way he visibly gulps in his first meeting with Willie with that “ah shit I'm gay for him” look on his face. He’s just gay. Nothing more to it. Making sexuality something that is finally casual in 2020 (even though it should’ve been casual eons ago) makes this show stand out like no other (Kenny effing Ortego did that!!!). And on the same line of thought, even though Luke and Reggie know that Alex is gay, they treat him no different; there is no lesser affection between the boys because of it, there’s no “no homo” moments. They don’t react when Alex says “no <3” (which is improvised by Owen Joyner- wth??? INCREDIBLE!) when Reggie says “girls, right?” They are just a couple of teenage boys being teenage boys who love and adore each other.

Luke is the most affectionate boy I’ve ever laid eyes on. This boy LITERALLY writes songs for his boys (see: crooked teeth). The scene between Reggie and Luke where he’s trying to show the boys that he has limitless chemistry- bruh that just got me! He is not afraid to be touchy feely (let’s be honest, it’s his love language) and I just want to see more of it in s2. To be honest, they are all really really really touchy-feely and like I’ve said before, they took toxic masculinity and lit it on fire. They are not afraid to support each other, hold hands and hug, they pick up on each others’ cues, they find each other on stage and give each other space. And they are so quick to pull Julie into their chaos and make her part of their little overjoyed puppy family. And you can see that these are not just their roles. Charlie, Owen, Jeremy and Maddie have the same form of companionship, they are best friends, they are family and it shows in complete fashion on screen. GIVE ME MORE OF THESE LOVEABLE DORKS IN SEASON 2 OR ELSE.

#julie and the phantoms netflix #julie and the phantoms #julie molina #ray molina #carlos molina #victoria molina #tia victoria #jatp alex #jatp luke #luke patterson #jatp reggie #willie jatp #willie #jatp netflix #jatp #julie and the himbos #hilow answers #myjatpposts #my jatp analysis

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anonil88 · 3 years ago

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The L Word Gen Q S4 E4

I got into Texas and almost immediately sat down to watch the new episode. I feel a bit like trash but

Oh fuck he really was frauding like they hinted at in the first season wowwww. Dani is about to be broke unless that is what those papers were for.

At least she is aware she is too good for a man child.

Finley following a passion, I like that.

Not her asking Finley out on a date, even though it could be just as a friend date bot more. I think it even makes Sophie uncomfortable that she even asked that. I get wanting to move on but using a

Shane really heard Alice's mom brought up and said,

Once a flirt always a flirt.

Bette looks the fuck good.

The only person that can find Dani is Sophie.

Aw there is a common understanding and these two actually get along that's nice. I wonder if this is her actual sister, the actors I mean.

Tess and Shane, sitting in a tree k.i.s.s.i.n.g. Also Tess said you're cute but watch you ruin the projector, so stop.

LMFAO HER MOM IS IN A MLM

No Alice, you broke up with Nat and then ran the fuck away without an explanation. With 2 fucking kids who had grown attached to her and that is why people don't introduce new partners to their children.

Uncle Shane is my favorite thing especially in the bowling jacket.

Shane's dad is an A 1 dickhead and ruined a perfect situation because of his own faults.

Thankyou Shane for asking what it is Angie needed.

Lol I love that they made Angie's highschool issues of your girlfriend being prom queen but that isn't your vibe. Also I'm glad Shane affirmed her urge to go to therapy.

Dani does have avoidant attachment issues, at least they were together for so long that Sophie knows how to side step that.

Ugh seeing Finn so happy is great but is also concerning. I may not like their character much but I would love to see some growth.

Thankyou Micah for being a voice of reason, Sophie asked for time and she never said it was a date. She just wanted to hangout.

Bette could come hunt for me in my artist den any day, but also I feel like Bette is going to fall for this artist. I really hope not because Gigi is a real winner.

I wish Sophie and Dani could just tru things out again because seeing Sophie melt immediately to Dani's touch is everything.

I hope they get Kehlani's music in season 3.

Sophie wants Dani so bad, but she knows they shouldn't do any of this without talking about intimacy or where they want to go first. AND, Sophie needs to break it to Finn that she is viewing them platonically.

Damn Bette is persistent as hell and nervous. Her voice has been trembling with nerves since the first time she talked to this woman. OMG Bette Porter is star struck.

Can Sophie stop lying? Please. Not only to others but to herself. I get being honest is hard but, she needs to because it's clear where she wants to be. If that is both places then its both places but she needs to be honest about it.

Ugh Bette's coat is gorgeous and I hope she meets Angie at the middle of this conversation. Also Angie going to see a therapist on her own was a giant step, as is her being the mediator between her moms.

Tom was annoying last episode, but this one he is much much better. I'm glad he is bringing up Dana because it is a sore topic for everyone but especially Alice.

Ugh so this is making me tear up because grief is so so painful and it never ends. Even when you move on it still sits with you some days.

Lmfao he typed that down quick.

Oh okay Micah! Does he have a crush on Sophie's sister? Omg please tell me he does please. Ugh yo just tell her.

Dinner?!?!?!? Um Elizabeth what are you doing? Oh she is pitching her, wonderful, also I really like this complex work environment plot point. Even though I'm waiting for her to get fired.

Bette using her gift of flirting and gab to get an artist on her side.

Oof they were flirting, but Bette knows she has a girlfriend she can't cheat on. I don't know if Bette is into Gigi like that or maybe she's just so used to being a top in the bedroom and life that she dislikes giving up control.

I like that transition of songs.

Shane is an entire prince charming wrapped up in a bad boy. I love that they really developed her character into a more mature version of who she was when she was young and dumb.

Aww Tess dementia is awful and it sucks that she has been dealing with this alone.

Kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss! Oh fuck no maybe not, did not know that Tess isn't single. 😲

Dani just wanted Sophie to find her passion not to domesticate her. And, Sophie just appreciated Dani for being Dani.

Just be honest even if it hurts. I love how Dani isn't even mad at Sophie, she is like why is Finley such a brat. They need to talk talk about where they are and ask

Finley annoys me, I'm sorry.

Micah tell Maribel you like her please. Its like M&M candy.

Where is Finley even going? See this is why Finley doesn't need to be in a relationship because she immediately jumps to drinking.

Oh wow the are amicably splitting up or not? These two confuse me.

I am liking next episodes preview though.

#the l word: generation q #the l word #the l word generation q #liveblog #lb

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demenior · 3 years ago

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Dem’s Big Post About The Spn Fics Part 1/2

aka The Wrap Up to celebrate To Exist Again and To Become a Man now being finished!

(This will be a long post. This is your only warning.)

Admittedly this is a bit of a weird thing to be doing, but I wanted to try it out for 3 reasons:

I love talking about my own work and

It functions really well as a self-reflective tool for me to improve on, and

I can answer some big questions people might have because there was a LOT of worldbuilding in these stories.

We’ll start off with reflective stuff, and move into the juicier world-building focused stuff later into the post. There will be major spoilers for both fics to come!

To begin with a funny anecdote, Why Did I Write These Stories?

I was beginning to write and work out the story that I wanted to write for Spn (what will now be To Destroy a Man. As I was writing the scene, I realized I had a LOT of ideas and while I was trying to avoid as much exposition as I could, it became quickly apparent that I was needing to create my own au (this scene eventually became chapter 34 of To Become a Man). A short prequel seemed like a good idea, to quickly hash out the ‘prior’ events that I needed to go through so all the readers could be on the same page. While plotting out prequel points, I realized Sam and Dean were going to have drastically different experiences during the same time period, and I was trying to figure out who’s pov would be better for which scenes, and how to keep momentum when they’re going through such radically different types of changes. Ultimately I decided to split their povs, which I also thought would be a fun project! And I naively assumed each pov would take about 2 chapters each, rounding out to maybe 15k total.

I had my ending points: Dean n Cas soul-merged and (basically) married, Cas on the lam from heaven and a complete anomaly, and Sam juiced up full of powers and a weird mix of archangel and antichrist but still 100% human and ready to fight God.

Now I needed to add weight to these changes, so I wrote 200k of build-up.

Am I proud of these fics?

OF COURSE I AM!!! These are the longest fics I’ve ever written AND finished AND in the fastest freakin turnaround ever (both were finished writing, barring edits, in like 6 months holy shit)

I didn’t write a single scene that I “didn’t” want to write. If I had trouble writing it, as in it was fighting me, I scrapped it. Most obviously was the scene in Dean’s pov where he and Sam were intended to meet some other hunters and Dean declines working with them because he’s nervous about being outed as queer. It was meant to be a good scene! I wanted to introduce some new characters! But it just wasn’t working so I said ‘thank you, next!’.

But it means this story was an absolute joy to write. Because for a while all I was doing was ‘if I wanted to write one scene into supernatural, what would I write?’ and then just DID that!! It’s why there’s a lot of ‘Salmondean do dumb shit or have really dumb heartfelt conversations’ scenes.

Would I change anything?

If I’d been less eager to start sharing, I might have planned out the story beats a little tighter so there were less ‘soft’ chapters and a draw/pull for people to come back and keep reading. I felt Dean’s story specifically lagged at points and could have used some tighter editing (there was a noticeable lull in directed movement between Dean n Cas getting together, until Sam corrupts Amy).

I also probably would have held Sam’s story until I’d finished Dean’s so I could make the two line up better! Probably could have inserted more scenes into Sam’s fic that way, and made sure things were a little more consistent. In an ideal world one concept I had was to release 1 chapter from each pov every week that would correspond to the same time frame so we’d be getting real-time SalmonDean pov narrative. Unfortunately that didn’t work!

The biggest takeaway overall is for me to focus more on what moves the plot, and to make my scenes do more than 1 thing so I can cut down on wordcount and increase my efficiency.

Of course every writer will find things they want to fix in anything they’ve ever written, so these are minor “mistakes” at best. I’m so dang proud of these fics.

Onto more interesting things!

How Did I Put These Fics Together (because it’s different than anything I’ve ever done before)

Normally when I write a story, I plan out the beats I need to hit, see where I need to insert any kind of foreshadowing/buildup, and then write from A to B to C and so on and so forth. Hence, this is why I can normally post things as I complete chapters, because it’s all a linear progression.

For these two stories, rather than linear plot/a normal story structure, I just sat and free-wrote any and every scene that came to mind and then pieced them into a kinda-linear form like putting a quilt together. You’ll note that this is why there’s not a lot of internal callback or a feeling of sense of time flowing within the fic (save for points where I went back and specifically edited it in). How long does the story take place over? Hard to say! Your author has the barest grasp on linear time even on a good day (how many times did I say ‘see you on [wrong day]’ at the end of chapters lmaaoooo)

This also meant EXTENSIVE editing on the back end once I decided in what order I wanted my ‘quilt pieces’ to be. Hard to say if this is a bonus or a negative!

But I did want to try and capture the vibe of the lives they lead, as a bit of a ‘slice of life’-style story, when the slice of life is the profound weirdness of the Winchester roaming life, and how things are status quo- until everyone almost dies oh shit!! And then they have to keep living because no therapy we die/undie like Winchesters. Do I think I captured this effectively? Hmm. Good question.

Dem where the FUCK did the inspiration for a lot of the magic and creature weirdness even come from?

Honestly? Music, primarily. And completely mishearing lyrics!

Nightwish ‘Ever Dream’: the line is ‘my song can but borrow you grace’ and because my brain is scrambled eggs on a good day, I heard ‘grace’ ‘song’ and ‘borrow’ in that order and have had, for YEARS, the mental image of Cas borrowing Dean’s soul to power himself up for battle.

From there I’ve always been enamored with the ‘wavelength of celestial intent’ descriptor that Cas drops in s6 for “what he is”.

I also really like ocean metaphors mostly because I’ve been obsessed with the ocean and things in it since I was like… 5??? So really this was me just rolling with what I know lmao. I love using (somewhat) accurate scientific metaphors for very intangible things!

I was also finishing my degree in biology/ecology while writing these fics and I think it shows

Stars ‘The Night Starts Here’ gives us the series title and the fic titles. Except for ‘To Exist Again’. TEA was almost titled ‘The Upwards Fall’ because I wanted all 3 of the Main Stories to have titles from this song, but I couldn’t make anything else work in tandem with the series name ‘The Love It Takes’ while also working for Sam’s personal story. So Sam, as always, is the rebel <3

Stars ‘Up In Our Bedroom, After The War’ is basically the vibes of the whole story. TFW has been, literally, to hell and back!!! There’s a bit of melancholy and sadness, a lingering dark, but the chance of a bright new tomorrow and a soft start.

Let’s Talk About Themes in The Story! What were you looking to accomplish?

My earliest notes for TFW are, as follows:

Dean’s journey of self-discovery (who am I when I’m not trying to be Dad?)

Dean wants to settle down! He wants a big family! He wants to be domestic!

Basically: Dean doesn’t want to have a short life of hunting. He wants to live!

Dean’s journey of realizing he’s bi, and him accepting that

Dean’s relationship to Sam is both older brother/parent

And continuing Dean balancing these roles while also letting Sam be an adult

Dean’s Big Issues/Fears about never being good enough for people to want to stay with him (these are effectively highlighted in that Cas thinks he’s not useful enough to be wanted)

Sub Plot:

Castiel’s autonomy

Cas’ fall from grace, to trying to restore Heaven, to wrecking it further

He’s majorly depressed by the end of s7 (before purgatory)

Wants to stay in Purgatory but doesn’t tell Dean

Remains depressed after leaving, but resolved to keep living on because he’s clearly meant for something

After the seraphim reveal: does he have free will?! How does he grapple with this? How does he live in a way he can be proud of?

And lastly

Sam gets his powers back CAUSE THATS HOT

where tf did they go????

he got them from Lucifer?????

sleeper agent??????

Sam is The Chosen One

Accepts that he is More Than Human and to celebrate all parts of him

Lucifer and Sam friends?? Work together????

Sam needs autonomy in his choices/his life

If you compare these to the overall arc of TFW within the two stories, I think I got a lot of them! But you’ll also note a lot of these things aren’t concrete goals that are easily measurable (ex: Dean wants to learn to bake pie. In chapter 1 he starts a fire in the kitchen. By the end of the story he finally makes A Good Pie.) part of the lack of concrete milestones was why I felt it was important to tell Dean (and Cas’) story by going back to the point they meet, in s4! Dean’s gradual change towards his feelings for Cas, his relationship to Sam (heavily influenced by the s7 events of this fic) and then his own relationship with himself were such slow burns that I felt it would be a disservice to try and cram a change like that into a timeline like “1 year”.

I felt like these subtle changes and adjustments actually felt a lot truer to life-- people often change in very small, gradual ways over time, even without realizing it and often times not consistently! If only we could all gain skills like the sims, where we can easily level up and remain at that high level of performance!

So the Guy Who Ate Satan, A Celestial Nuke that Developed Sentience, and Dean walk into a bar…

Sam’s story in Spn The Show has always been a ‘chosen one’ kind of narrative. Sam is living with one foot in the realm of the monsters, and I wanted to bring that back full force! It really makes sense for him that he should only continue to grow in power, might, and magic!! As the story progresses.

Cas also got a power up! I do desperately love in the show that he was kind of a grunt/nothing angel, and so even when he defected to TFW he was a huge help for them, but in the scale of things he was an annoying fly to most other angels. It really worked for the underdog story of s4/5. In this I wanted to give him a power up, and originally it was actually going to be close contact with Sam that eventually changed Cas into something unknown (you can still see traces of this in ch34 of TBAM, where Death remarks ‘Castiel could be [Sam’s] first creation’. But for a combo of reasons: how Sam’s magic needed to have intent, the entire concept of free will and consent, and how much I wanted Dean and Cas to have their effect on each other, I decided to go with the route that Cas has actually always been something angel-adjacent rather than becoming something new. TFW/Supernatural has always been about free will and making your own story, so I amplified that with Cas.

Dean has always been A Normal Guy, which is part of the appeal of him and Sam (2 normal dudes!) taking on the Very Not Normal. As explained above, Sam’s story is ‘normal guy finds out he’s the chosen one’ and so, in a story about very large concepts and huge monsters and acts of magic, I felt it was very important to keep Dean as normal as possible. To the point it became a running gag to me, personally, in that ‘no matter what cool shit happens around him, Dean has to stay as Just A Guy’. And it’s a very humanizing role that allows the story to have the scale it does!

What were the most important themes in your story?

Sam’s Autonomy

I wasn’t even going to include the plot about Lucifer’s death in this story— that was going to come up in a later story, actually! And rather than Sam having ate Lucifer, the original idea was that they’d become a SamandLucifer entity (this harkens back to a concept I wanted to write when Swan Song first aired).

That storyline would have involved a lot of mental ‘Sam and Lucifer discuss what it means to live, which one of them is more worthy of life and if they do deserve to destroy the world for the pain they’ve been forced to go through, just to create the dichotomy of good and evil for everyone else’ discussions. There would be a lot of talk about how Sam hates and fears Lucifer for the pain Lucifer put on Sam, how Lucifer hates Sam because he and Sam are the same but Sam’s brother loves him anyways, etc.

Ultimately that was scrapped because Sam’s entire story in the show is always about how the world and everyone around him manipulates him and that he never actually gets to make choices about his own life or body that aren’t influenced or part of someone elses’ design. And that always bothered me that Sam was never allowed to be himself without having to be ashamed of it, and I wanted to make sure that Sam’s triumph of being proud of himself/proudly choosing to exist (again) was evident in his story

In the end I needed Sam to have this visceral win over his tormentor. As the story shows, in this case Lucifer was abused and put into a position where he was incapable of empathy and could only express himself in violence. Sam even understands this! But it doesn’t change the fact that Lucifer tortured Sam in unimaginable ways for thousands of years.

With that in mind I didn’t like the idea of Lucifer and Sam having “co-ownership” of their new identity, so I made the choice that Sam had to be the survivor. This tied in well with Sam’s new crusade to restore free will to the universe, because he’s breaking the narrative of his own story!

While Castiel wasn’t a pov character, his own autonomy and free will was equally as important. You’ll note that many, many paragraphs and conversations revolved around that theme and that in the end Cas followed himself (and love!) which ensured his freedom of self <3

The Brothers are WEIRD PEOPLE!!!! And Codependent to a Worrying Degree, but It’s Also How They Survive

It’s very hard to show “unusual” relationships when you’re writing from the pov of the two people who don’t think there’s anything weird about their relationship. Sure, they say ‘yeah it’s probably weird that we still share a bed’ but that’s kinda more in line with ‘I had a nightmare and I want to be close to the person who makes me feel safe’. Hashtag normalize co-sleeping when you need it!!!

From there I did try to point out how the boys have a weird perception of lifestyle in the little things they did.

From thrifting everything from clothes to appliances to books (thrifting is a valid lifestyle! It’s incredibly handy when you’re on a budget.)

To never actually having condiments or knowing how to use a dishwasher cause they’ve lived in a car, a motel room, or squatted in old houses their whole life.

I tried to have them wear each others’ clothes or casually swap things as much as possible. They live out of each others’ pockets!

Also the brothers are just weird people!! It’s hard to show from their pov, cause they don’t know how far off from normal they are, but like…

Everything about Sam and Amelia was NOT right like holy shit those two were wilding in their grief. They are very lucky things worked out for them and that they got to be hashtag Weird Girls together

Dean explicitly, in the story, gets horny after killing stuff!! Violence has done a number on his psyche and he’s gotten some wires crossed that maybe shouldn’t have been, or maybe could be worked out in a safe space but… uh… how likely do we think Dean is gonna go find a safe space to deal with any of his shit???

LOVE!!! Love is truly what this whole story is all about

If you’ve read the stories, you know how much emphasis I put on love. Love is the strongest force in the Spn Universe! It’s what averted the apocalypse and saved the world (Swan Song), it’s what created free will (Cas’ entire arc!) I love love!!!!

I went out of my way to not put any definitions on platonic love vs romantic love because I think love is love is love and how you express that is the difference. Neither is more powerful than the other because LOVE is powerful!! Sam and Cas are the most important people in Dean’s life and he loves them equally! He shows this by giving Cas kisses and stealing Sam’s socks.

It’s a personal pet peeve of mine when I have to hear explanations like ‘I love you, like a brother’ or ‘I love you, but like, as a friend because I’m a lesbian and you’re a man’ etc etc in media. If you have to continuously define how your characters love each other, then I don’t think you’re doing a good job of portraying their relationship. So you’ll see that I never put those parameters in any conversation. Dean DOES muse that he loves Cas differently than he loves Sam or Bobby, specifically because there is a romantic and sexual tone that his feelings for Cas takes, but not because he loves Cas more or less than he loves Sam or Bobby.

Which means, if you haven’t realized it yet, the Series + Fic Titles are meant to be a complete sentence because the power of love IS the thesis of this series:

The Love It Takes To Exist Again (Sam’s journey!)

The Love It Takes To Become a Man (Dean’s journey!)

The Love It Takes To Destroy a Man (TBA)

And now for fun stuff. Behind the scenes!!

What’s Something People Probably Don’t Know?

The demonic fungal/hydrothermal vent growth on Sam’s arm was thrown in literally as I was posting the chapter because I had just finished a 48 hour cram session of writing a report on tube worms for an ecology class (I was chanting my tube worm song as I wrote it) and it ended up being a HUGE hit with both readers and myself. But it was so last minute I had trouble fitting it in more throughout the rest of Sam’s story!

Cas’ orders? That may or may not have bound him to Dean and removed his free will? Were written into Sam’s story and I went ‘oh SHIT that’s compelling’ and then left them there as a ‘guess I’ll figure that out when I get to Dean’s story lol’

Originally Dean and Cas were supposed to get together after having their souls bonded, and have been in a UST limbo the entire time before that. Mostly because I think the entire concept of ‘we just got married of the soul I guess we should try dating?’ is very funny. CLEARLY the two of them were way more eager to fall in love than I anticipated (thank you Cas for your honesty) but you can still see shades of this original idea here and there (especially in ch35 of TBAM)

I never intended Dean and Benny to connect so well!! Benny was going to reunite with Andrea, she was going to live, and they were going to go off into the world and leave the story. And, uh, here we are. I’m still debating if I need to adjust the relationship tag or not haha. Polyamory is fun, especially when I was planning for Sam to be the polyamorous brother...

Speaking of, I can’t believe I forgot about Sam and his sexuality! If I rewrote TEA I would have had Sam contemplate more on his lack of sexual appetite due to trauma, up until he meets Benny and he gets to rediscover how he wants to be a sexual person

Many of Sam and Dean’s absolutely stupid sibling conversations were lifted near-verbatim from conversations I’ve had with my siblings

And lastly...

Dem where’s Kevin????????????? Where is our sweet baby boy????????

He’s SAFE!! He’s in the Hunter pipeline somewhere cause Sam handed him off to Bobby’s people. He and his mom are safe and at some point they probably got rib sigils like SalmonDean did against angels, but for demons. I didn’t have room in this story for him!!! But my baby boy is SAFE and I want to get him back to university because it’s WHAT HE DESERVES!!!!

To that point: god there were/are SO many characters that I just didn’t include in the story so far because I didn’t feel comfortable including them without stalling the story for them. To that point: pretty much everyone who is alive/dead in s8 is that way in this story, except Bobby who gets to live.

[Check Out Part 2 for reader questions!]

#the love it takes series #to exist again fic #to become a man fic #dem speaks

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johnbernsteinx · 4 years ago

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INTRODUCING: John Bernstein

“To create is to live twice.”

THE BASICS

Full Name: Jonathan “John” Bernstein Age: thirty-seven Birthday: August 9th, 1983 Zodiac: Leo Sun, Leo Moon, Virgo Rising Occupation: Gallery Manager and Curator at the Crescent Harbor Art Gallery Length of Time in Crescent Harbor: seven years Neighborhood: Goldfinch Valley [view his apartment] Hometown: Toronto, Ontario, Canada Nationality: Canadian Sexuality: Pansexual Relationship Status: in a relationship with @quinn-hawthorne Qualities: creative, nurturing, open-minded, loyal, driven, kind Flaws: pretentious, impatient, compulsive, nervous, stubborn, proud MBTI: INFJ-T “The Turbulent Advocate” Moral Alignment: Neutral Good Enneagram: Type 6 “The Loyalist”

THE FAMILY SITUATION

tw: foster care, adoption

John spent his childhood growing up in the foster care system, going from home to home until he was six years old. He doesn’t know his biological parents but is very close to his adoptive parents, which is why he usually refers to the Mannings as his mother and father, despite not being related by blood. The family fostered other kids as well, so there was always someone around. They had two biological children as well, who John also considers his siblings. His youngest adoptive sibling, Rose Paisi (@rosalindpaisi), recently moved to Crescent Harbor which he is incredibly excited about as they are very close.

THE LOOKS

Faceclaim: Dan Levy Height: 5'11’’ Hair Color/Length: black and short, usually neatly coiffed, curly if without product (aka never, unless you live with him or catch him off-guard) Facial Hair: John usually doesn’t go for a clean shave ever. He’s always sporting some stubble. Eyes: brown Complexion: clear, warm undertones Body: Average/Athletic. John enjoys excerise a lot but also likes to indulge in foods that aren’t considered good. Whether he’s keeping up with yoga, running or some light lifting, there’s rarely a day where he doesn’t add some kind of activity to his agenda, mostly to make sure he’s training his mobility. His frequent walks with his dog will also do the trick. Style: John is very interested in fashion and not at all scared to add some more unique styles to his wardrobe. More often than not, he sticks to a rather casual yet formal style, mostly due to his job but also because he likes to dress well and feel good about the way he looks. He’s usually sticking to high quality, if not designer, sweaters or dress shirts with a nice pair of pants but will also wear a good pair of denim jeans and a t-shirt occasionally. He also loves a good print. The man always looks very put together. You can find some outfits here. Smells Like: Considering his habit of going for runs in the mornings, John usually never leaves the house for meetings or errands unless he’s freshly showered. He hates nothing more than being smelly or dirty even, so he tends to smell fresh with a hint of cologne.

THE STORY

tw: foster care, motorcycle accident, injuries

Jonathan “John” Bernstein grew up in the foster care system and moved into a foster home in Toronto when he was already six years old but it was there where he finally got to experience what being a family was all about

He never met his biological parents and isn’t sure whether or not he’d like to some day. He’s in the process of trying to figure out how to go about looking for them, just to know but without success so far. He hasn’t told anyone about thsi and thinks it’s better to keep it close to his chest for now.

John is a very kind and very passionate person. If he’s excited over something, you’ll know! He doesn’t only get excited about things directly tied to himself though but about other people’s interests and successes, too.

The people around him either love him or hate him for it because he will go on and on and never stop until you tell him to. He always likes to indulge in rather intense conversations as it is and will go out of his way to help anyone with patience and kindness if they have any problem at all.

His intensity paired with his overall level-headedness is very useful when it comes to his profession though because he’s a natural at being a salesman who is always eager to network which makes renting and buying art for the gallery to help it extend and thrive an easy task (if you ignore the amount of overtime he collected over the past few years).

So basically, he’s a big softy who loves art in all shapes and forms and will go on about it to anyone for hours if they let him or dare to step into the gallery.

He moved out to Vancouver right after high school to go to university. He majored in visual arts.

When he was 24, John was involved in a crash with his motorcycle that left him severely injured and in a coma.

He made it through but the accident threw him into a spin and basically had him starting at zero. The healing process took a whole year because of complicated fractures and nerve injuries that he needed a lot of physical therapy and rest for - which only made John realized that he is not as good at taking care of himself as he thought he was up until then.

Jonathan feels incredibly fortunate to have survived the crash, despite the fact that it left him with some issues to this day. On his worse days, he’ll have a slight limp due to a hurt nerve in his leg and a pelvic fracture. He also suffered a minor motor nerve damage in his wrist which makes it hard for him to create art himself or do basic tasks, really. It keeps him from being able to lift heavy items or do other basic tasks due to the lack of strength and control. He learned to live with these remaining injuries and doesn’t really let them stop him, unless he pushes himself too hard and has to give in. He was also left with quite a few scars scattered across his body but considers them a small price he had to pay if it meant he still got to come out of it alive.

He loves to travel and did quite a lot of it after his recovery and before settling in Crescent Harbor where he’s been living for the past seven years.

John traveled to and worked in Tokyo and London the most and got a lot of his experience when it comes to galleries from his time there.

These days he’s gotten too busy and caught up in his work to even think of taking a vacation which is bad but the workaholic in him would say otherwise. Maybe it’s that or his inability to give up control - the man just needs to relax!

Despite growing up and becoming a lot more confident as he got older, John is still very soft-spoken at times but always polite and definitely happy to talk to anyone. He doesn’t like to be the center of attention and tries to stay in the background more, even though he’s not as shy as he used to be.

Overall, he’s a very friendly guy and tries to help anyone who might have a problem but don’t make him mad - the switch flips slowly but surely.

When you are in his circle though, he’ll do anything for you. He made quite a few friends in his years of living in Crescent Harbor due to that but his best friend and confidante is Diana Blackwood-Amari (@diana-amari).

Right now, he’s busy house hunting with his partner Quinn Hawthorne (@quinn-hawthorne), while also trying to navigate the ups and downs that come with being in a long-term relationship after having stuck to his own company for longer than he’d care to admit. Lets just say, communication is not their strong suit but they’re learning.

To sum it up: he’s soft, warm and friendly, very interested in art in any shape or form and just wants to be your friend if you let him! Just don’t disrespect him and you’re golden! Otherwise, you might get a pretty intimidating side-eye and a snarky comment or two.

Also, he would die for his dog, a Dachshund-Corgi mix named Merlot, and so would I tbh.

Find John’s wanted connections here, his full stats here, some musings here and his full bio here. 💕

#crescent:intro #( intro. )#( muse. )#( about. )#// i wanted to give this a quick lil update since i've been playing him for over a year now and some details were missing <3

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please-return-to-villanelle · 5 years ago

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Choices

Season 3 episode 4 recap part 2

Choices Eve, it’s all about choices.

Niko reached a breaking point with Eve at the beginning of season 3. He has been locked in a storage container with the corpse of his former friend and co-worked, Gemma, and had quite a lot of time to reflect on his life and choices.

The conclusion he came to, after several rounds of therapy, was to free himself of his toxic marriage and start over.

I think we both know I deserve better.

Niko chose to move to Poland and get the normal, simple life he always wanted. He also chose NOT to tell Eve since she has put his life and the life of his friends (Dom and Gemma) in danger and brings nothing but chaos into his life.

Niko chose to cut his ties to Eve and start over entirely.

Eve on the other hand chooses NOT to respect Niko’s wishes and instead obsessively texts him... a week after he left for Poland.

Keep that important point in mind.

It took her an entire week to reach out to Niko, as was revealed by the staff member at the therapy center who reluctantly told Eve that Niko discharged himself and mentioned something about Poland.

So, why the contradictions in Eve’s behavior? Is she fully invested in her relationship with Niko or not?

Choices.

Through out the series we she Eve cling to her relationship with Niko when her life gets darker. Eve has a dark side to her that Villanelle picks up on immediately and is something Eve can openly indulge in through her work investigating murders. It’s something she is passionate about and has kept hidden about herself to everyone in her life including Niko.

Though Eve is learning about this darkness within her, she still hasn’t fully committed to what type of life she wants: dark or light, normal or abnormal, safe or dangerous?

She constantly teeters on the precipice.

Which is why whenever she indulges in her darker urges just a little too much the first thing she does as a reflex is cling to the good and normal in her life: Niko.

So why did it take her a week to check up on Niko?

She’s alive Eve.. and she’s working.

Because Eve chose to get back in the game of hunting the Twelve and once again became consumed with this chase. This is the same chase that “destroyed” Eve’s life before but she willing steps right back in. Sure part of her motivation is to get justice for Kenny but at the very core of it, this is a game Eve was made to play and it’s an itch she needs to scratch.

But when the game hits close to home and Eve starts to loose control and indulge in her deeper desires, that’s when she clings to her safety blanket of normalcy.

Hi, Eve.

So here we have Eve desperately clinging to the idea of Niko in the aftermath of kissing Villanelle.

But this comes at a cost.

Had Eve respected Niko’s wishes and left him alone, he would still be alive.

She chose to text him nonstop despite Niko making it clear that he wanted to move on from her by literally moving away. Because Eve couldn’t let it go, Dasha seized the opportunity to drive a wedge between her and Villanelle by harming someone Eve still cared about. If she didn’t care, then she wouldn’t be texting him. Perception is everything.

But Eve is no stranger to endangering the lives of others.

Eve chose to tell her co-workers at the Bitter Pill about the Twelve, in fact she cut them off when they protested after she told them their lives would be in danger once she tells them about what Kenny was working on. Once again, Eve put her needs and wants before others and did not think twice about how the consequences of her actions may affect other people.

This scene with Jamie gave us a metaphor for Eve’s behavior. He admitted that he killed his friend accidentally with the very drug he gave to him. With Eve, she may very well get her co-workers at the Bitter Pill killed if they uncover too much about the Twelve; thus, killing them with their own investigation by bringing her insight into the Twelve (ie. The deadly drug).

Life is just a series of trade-offs.

Carolyn is choosing to alienate her living child to find justice for the one she lost.

Geraldine serves as foil to Carolyn.

She gives us insight as to the emotions that Carolyn internalizes and compartmentalizes. The weight of Kenny’s death and loss of her main lead to find his killer are weighing heavily on her. In contrast, Geraldine shows us the emotions she feels from losing Kenny and through their conversation we see cracks in Carolyn’s facade as she does her best to remain in control. Later we see that Carolyn chose to come home in the middle of a work day to lie down and process her feelings in solitude.

But perhaps that’s not the only reason she is short with Geraldine.

Have you had any visitors over lately?

Maybe she suspects that Geraldine has met with Konstantin without her knowledge. If so, Geraldine chooses to lie to her mother when asked directly about who has been at the Marten estate recently. Of course Lily, Geraldine’s “friend” could totally have been over, but I think Konstantin is a more likely candidate given the suspicious scene where Carolyn saw him walking in her neighborhood just prior to this conversation with Geraldine.

Carolyn of all people understands how untrustworthy he is and maybe is trying to keep all Kenny related information close to her chest in case Geraldine inadvertently divulges any information to Konstantin while she expresses her feelings to him... that is, after all, how Konstantin’s bug ended up on Carolyn’s fridge.

The perception here is that Carolyn is choosing to be cold and not loving towards her children. Maybe her actions do say that to Geraldine but perhaps that’s a trade-off Carolyn is willing to accept in order to protect her family in the future and find justice for Kenny.

We both know who you’re really working for... Yourself.

Konstantin has seemingly chosen his work over his family as well. He had the opportunity at the end of season 2 to slip into the shadows with his family in tow and escape the Twelve. But, alas, Konstantin chose to continue working for the Twelve and keep his family at arm’s length.

Irina notices this and calls him out directly when he tries to tell her that he works for the Russian government and is totally not a crook like her mom’s new boyfriend.

But what we see here is someone that loves living a double life and just can’t call it quits. Or this is someone that’s in too deep and can’t escape this life of crime.

And it’s only a matter of time before they all catch up with you.

Unlike Eve, Konstantin has very clearly picked the dark side. We have seen him choose work over Irina multiple times. He has declined her calls to buy a magnet to bug Carolyn’s apartment, answer cryptic texts, and to talk to Villanelle about tying up loose ends.

Konstantin has chosen to be involved in whatever is going on with the missing millions and is actively trying to stay head of everyone else looking into this. Hopefully he does have a plan in the works to protect himself and his family. But judging from his actions so far, Konstantin doesn’t seem to have this all worked out all on his own.

Who are you talking to?

Villanelle has chosen to work her way up the ranks of the Twelve by “trusting” Dasha to help her achieve her goal. But in this scene, we see very clearly that Villanelle doesn’t trust Dasha fully as she doesn’t tell her she saw Eve in London and she is baking a cake for her girlfriend’s birthday. I find it very interesting that she trusts Dasha to deliver on the Keeper job but doesn’t trust her with information about Eve.

Contrast this to her encounter later on with Konstantin, when he asks her why she is in such a good mood she answers him honestly.

It’s Eve’s birthday today.

She even trusts Konstantin with the information that she is seeking out her family which is something she has not told anyone else.

Villanelle has chosen to trust both Dasha and Konstantin in some manner despite the fact that they have both betrayed her in the past and she has chosen to forgive Eve as well despite being rejected, hard in Rome. When Villanelle gets back from her family reunion, it will be interesting to see how this trust plays out.

#killing eve #villanelle #eve polastri #villaneve #killing eve analysis #carolyn martens #konstantin vasiliev #geraldine #killing eve season 3 #i feel things when i'm with queue

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smollestbean-2 · 4 years ago

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Review: His Thoughts on Therapy

This is not an edit, this is just a constructive criticism on the one-shot.

So.... I read as far as the therapist stating that their mother had died and I couldn't get through it after that. I scrolled down and near the end I noticed a conversation the characters were having. After going through to see who started it, from there it had no indication who was speaking.

In the beginning Dean was not in character, I understand this is an AU but Dean wouldn’t groan at Sam not to pour out his beer. In all honesty he would most likely be the stern;

“Don’t touch what beer I have left.” Dean points at his brother and gives him a stern look, as if challenging him to do so while he was gone.

That would have fit his character a lot better than what was given in that sentence. I understand he is annoyed but ‘Groaned’ just doesn’t fit it for me in that sentence or situation.

A question, is this supposed to be an AU if so then are they still hunting the supernatural? If not then why does it say in the first paragraph, “They had experienced a lot, and they both knew that. Sam could see Dean fading, so he laid down the law, and Dean was not cooperating.”

You could have led up to the therapist mentioning her mother’s passing (not gonna mention Dean wanting his therapist to be attractive because even if he’s going against his will why would the first thing Dean thinks about is the therapist being old and unattractive? He could have done that to any nurses or doctors at hospitals)

But; you could have led it up to the therapist walking into the waiting room, calling dean back and apologize for being late to it as so:

Dean walked into the office with his therapist, she sat down with a huff and placed her things on the floor near her feet.

“I apologize for being late, I just received some…..disappointing news.” she apologizes

Now Dean wasn’t one to be the, Touchy-feely type, but he could see the dejected look on her face when she said that. It had reminded him of when he had lost someone close to him.

“What- uhm” he cleared his throat, “What happened...if you don’t mind telling me.” He asked.

She looked up at him, her mouth gaping open in shock. She then seemed to have gathered her bearings and cleared her throat.

“My mother passed away last night.” she replies, her eyes looked misty as she said this and she swallowed as if there was a lump in her throat.

Dean knew that feeling all too well.

Now after the first initial interaction where the therapist informs him of her mother’s death, Dean is somewhat in character when she points out how he hides his feelings.

A therapist is not supposed to judge a client, especially if they want to earn a client’s trust to get them to open up more. So when you say she says ‘wow’ almost judgingly Dean would immediately lock up and she’s just back to square one on getting him to open up again unless this was your point and direction.

When you say that the therapist points him out as the ‘protector’ and ‘preserver’ of the family there is no lead to it other than Dean saving Sam from the fire. She would need to have other points than that in order for her to make that statement and prove that he is in fact the ‘protector’ and ‘preserver’ of the family.

He only went for a few sessions, a few would mean at least 3 or 4 sessions. Did in any of those sessions Dean speak about interactions with his father?

For me the only reason she would point out that Dean blames his father for their mother’s death is based upon any interactions afterwards Dean would have with his father for her to come to that conclusion. Plus the AU again, that goes back to episode one. So does the supernatural exist and they’re hunting them or not?

If so why would Dean see a therapist while out hunting with Sam, it wouldn’t make any sense unless it’s a Therapist that is also aware of the supernatural because if he were to go into any detail about the hunts he would just be thrown right back into the ward again.

Why would Dean cry in the car after leaving the Therapy session? Out of character again? If anything he would end up driving to get a drink. He would mostly cry in a place not in public where no one would see him.

He wouldn’t be at the building anymore after his crying session, he would have been gone with no traces left on his face from the crying session. Dean doesn’t want people to see what he considers his weaknesses. He doesn’t even let Sam see him cry half the time. If anything you could have had the reader see Dean as he’s storming out of the therapist building. Dean would not have stayed in his car for a whole hour at a place he didn’t even want to be in.

The therapist would have asked what it was like growing up after he admitted to losing his mother in the same session, not the next one unless they ran out of time or Dean stormed off.

Also if the therapist lost her mother, wouldn’t she be on leave to arrange for the funeral and attend the funeral?

Okay now we get to where it’s not AU...kinda, but you never stated where Dean worked at and you somewhat insinuated that he worked at the same shop his father did but didn’t clarify that. So how was he there during his father’s death if he didn’t work there? Dean would have not accepted the drawing task as quickly, yeah he used to draw but he’s still in denial about therapy right? He wouldn’t have warmed up to it so quick.

Now Dean is back in character when he sees the reader again, big brother Dean senses kick in so he’s really in character in that section.

Maybe make the time skip clear enough, to me the paragraphs aren’t broken up enough or it doesn’t lead in enough for you to know that time has actually passed.

If there is a therapist reader then is Dean going after the therapist or after the college reader? Even then having two readers would be very confusing wouldn’t it?

Now it leads up to a time skip after the interaction at the superstore with a college reader.

How did she hear that Dean was a mechanic? He never mentioned it to her in the story. Only slightly to his therapist, and even then if his therapist told her the therapist can’t do that because of patient confidentiality and she can lose her job!!!

Now there’s no leading up to the time skip when he finds her? Whose pov is this even in? Is it Deans or Readers? There is no indication towards it. It was Dean the whole time but now it all of a sudden switches to Reader’s Pov??

It would be good to show Dean’s progress through therapy and show him realizing how well it's helping him out. This fic feels very rushed to get to the point, sometimes it’s better to go slow and take your time with the plot. Because when you get to those points the Impact can have a harder blow on your readers.

Conflict drives the story my dude.

Okay so the therapist does know the reader; the therapist shouldn’t be talking about another patient to a different patient. That goes back into patient confidentiality. This includes those who are friends with the patients of the therapist. I know this because my friends shared a therapist for a time and they literally couldn’t mention each other because it would risk the therapist’s job and degree if he were to accidentally mention something to a patient that they didn’t know about from their friend.

Now where does it show why Dean doesn’t want to go to therapy again, why doesn’t he want to go? What changed? Earlier you stated that he had liked going so what changed that?

And then we finally bring up the comic book, wouldn’t she have mentioned it periodically during their sessions as a check in like “how's the comic book going? Have you gotten far in it yet?” those talks would have been interesting.

Then we get to the end where it trickles down into the guessing game of “who's talking” I understand from the order who is supposed to be talking but in some cases it may confuse people.

All in all I just read the one part and after reading it I’m not sure I want to read the two other parts; mostly because of the continuous plot holes, the too quick pace, contradictions, and the story was just too bland in my taste.

If you’re going to have it in a therapy sense setting, make it realistic. Show progress over time especially if someone doesn’t even want to be there to begin with, you have to show that progress where they learn that it's helping them and that they are showing progress. Don’t include things where it could possibly get the therapist fired or unrealistic views of how therapy works. To younger readers they make impressions on things a lot more than older readers do so they will in the end think that therapists tell everyone that they are seeing them.

It states in the very beginning that it’s a: Dean x reader!platonic Sam x reader!platonic Dean x therapist!Dr. Sky

Nowhere did it say the therapist's name than here. It shows nothing of Dean having any romantic feelings with this therapist. So what’s the point of giving Dean a romantic relationship with this therapist in the first place?? It doesn’t make sense.

This isn’t an AU, it’s a UA which means Universe Altered. That’s where a universe is slightly altered to fit a story. Even then it’s not altered much.

#review #ginger rambles #just wanted to put this out there #SPN #Supernatural #let me know if you want another review

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queerfables · 4 years ago

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Supernatural Post-Mortem (1x12 - 1x15)

P, N and I discuss these episodes after the fact, because I didn’t make notes while we watched them. I don’t think I actually have any major warnings for our conversation about these episodes.

1x12 - Faith

Notes to self, as a reminder of what it was about: “Dean faith healed, reapers”

When I read these out to P & N, they both start making excited sounds and I join in because yeah, we all really loved this episode!!

N: This is when Dean nearly died saving kids, too. P&I: Is it? N: Yeah, at the beginning, when he got electrocuted! Another point for Dean is good with kids! P: A good boy!!

This is the episode where Dean’s life is saved when it’s traded for the life of the gay man. Me: So, like, Dean was given his heart! P&N: Ohhhhhhhhh. N: Aw, Dean has a queer heart. Me: I mean, we knew that already. N: Yes, but it’s surprisingly literal and I love it.

N says, “I think every time Dean tries to problem solve in an episode, there’s probably a simpler solution.” When he was in the tent trying to stop the faith healing from happening, he yells, fire, but he could have like ACTUALLY started a fire, which would have stopped the lady from hanging around and trying to continue killing the guy. Or he could have faked a heart attack, which might have made people doubt the whole faith healing thing.

P&N disagree with me on this, but I personally think the subtext of the villain in this episode trying to kill Dean when she realises he’s trying to stop her is that it’s because he’s queer. She doesn’t try to kill Sam, even when he’s trying to stop her just as much - she locks him in a basement and tries to reason with him about why his brother is an abomination. (Ofc I do tend to think Sam is queer too, but maybe she hasn’t figured that out).

I generally loved the lady who had a brain tumour in this episode. It was really powerful to set her up as, like, complicating the narrative of “We have to stop these healings from happening”. It’s not wrong but she kind of shows why it’s not that simple, there’s always a cost even to doing the right thing. She also feels like one of the first ladies Dean actually had a real connection with, their - maybe romance? maybe friendship? whatever it was - really worked for me.

N says they loved how the reaper was super keen to kill the lady who’d been controlling him. “I mean, I would be too. I don’t wanna go around murdering queer people!” P agrees. “Right? I love queer people.” I would definitely rather murder homophobes instead.

1x13 - Route 666

Notes to self: “Cassie, Racist Truck”

P: Oh! I loved Cassie! N & I agree. Cassie was great.

I actually did start making notes from this episode while we watched but I never finished them. Here’s what I had: --Dean says he was called by a friend who really wouldn't have called if it wasn't urgent. Me: "That sounds like an ex" --It's Cassie! I'm excited to meet her! --P, N & I agree Cassie is a babe and we're excited to see how Dean fucked this up

N says, “It might have been me reading too much into it but I actually thought this episode was a pretty solid commentary on race.”

N: I really thought that, despite the entirety of supernatural handling race about as well as a greased football, this episode had a solid multiple-layer analogy for the way racism, historically and currently, expresses itself across communities and generations. the analogy goes as far as making it clear that the instigating incident that prompts the angry, racist resurgence is done by a white dude, but that he is shielded from the initial backlash and consequences while the revived racism starts out targeting tangentially-related black people instead--something that definitely happens irl. It also makes it clear that a) racism is something you have to actively examine and purge, sometimes multiple times, b) it is not over even when the racists are dead and its spectre lurks amongst our communities and, most importantly, c) respectability politics are junk and sometimes you have to help cover up a racist’s murder

P says that they love that the white dude was a cop but, like, actually a good cop. Again, because of the covering up racist murder.

I’d like to emphasise that I loved the way that Dean and Cassie’s relationship was portrayed. It turned out it was actually not entirely Dean’s fault that this fell apart. I mean, I personally think he should have lied to her until he was able to come back and then told her the truth, so she wouldn’t think he was coming up with a bizarro lie to leave her, but also like... He was trying to be honest, he wanted to really connect with her, and I have a lot of feelings about that.

I’m sad that Dean and Cassie aren’t going to work out in the long run but I understand why. Would have been cool to see her again, though.

I just want you all to know that through a very, VERY meandering conversation, we now have N and P arguing over whether octopi or alligators have the perfect body. N: Sack! Tentacles! Beak! P: SCALES AND TEETH. N: I’m just saying that the number of problems you can cause as an alligator is kind of limited. All you can do is bite things. P: That’s all you need!!!! We’ve declared the conversation a draw for now but they’ve promised (threat) to come back to it later

Also N is now looking at Giant Squid fanfic and keeps announcing things like “There’s a whole tag for ‘Dubious Consenticles’??” and “SQUIDITCH”

None of this is related to Supernatural but it IS very funny.

1x14 - Nightmare

Notes to self: “Sam’s visions, telekinetic abuse victim gets revenge”

N says, “This was just fucking intense, if I remember” and P says, “Yeah, it was scary.”

N says they saw the guy’s death coming as soon as it was revealed it was him committing the murders. Basically, Sam and Dean couldn’t have trusted a rehabilitation arc without being directly involved and the nature of the show is that they couldn’t have been directly involved.

We understand why the episode played out the way it did but we wish it handled it differently. We were all 1000% on the telekinetic victim’s side and fully supported him murdering his abusers. I remember when we were watching it, being, like, horrified by the things that happened to his dad and his uncle and then when we found out the truth about how they were abusing him we were like “Oh, yeah, warranted.” We do think the mother was probably abused too and that’s why she didn’t step in to stop anything. Still understandable that he can’t forgive her, though.

My main thing I’d like to say about this one is that I love Sam connecting with the other people who’ve been affected by the yellow-eyed demon (in later episodes too) I would really, really love more of that tbh, I want him to form a network. I love how much he understands and relates to this kid, and how hard he tries to save him.

I also love the part where seeing a vision of Dean in danger allows him to use telekinesis too. We’re in the middle of s2 now and we haven’t seen that again and it’s a shame!!! I want more of that!!!!

P says xer mad the show dropped Sam’s telekinesis stuff too. “In a later episode, Sam says he gets visions but other people get other things, and it’s like, ‘No! Buddy! You have more than that!’” N says it would be cool if they set it up so that Sam’s powers, in addition to getting visions about the other people like him, included being able to use their same powers when he’s near them. Like the episode later on where a guy can use mind control?? Instead of just being immune, wouldn’t it have been rad if Sam could do that too?? KILLER.

1x15 - The Benders

Notes to self: “THE MOST DANGEROUS GAME. Sam in a cage.”

P: OH YEAH, this was the one that wasn’t even like -- N: It was just people. P: Yeah, it was just dudes being dudes.

I very much enjoyed this episode. N agrees. I think P is distracted typing something on xer own computer. N says, “It wasn’t as fast paced as some of the other ones but it was fun.”

N: I have thoughts about the way they handled the cop killing the head of the family. I feel like he was already cartoonishly evil--to make him openly sneer in the cop’s face about her dead brother and hunting ppl as an in-the-moment justification for killing him seems... almost cowardly? he was an irredeemable human-hunter who raised an entire family to hunt ppl in the woods. that’s enough justification! i think viewers should get that. you don’t need to make him have a rude snarky one-liner to justify his death. commit to ‘some humans are Bad’ properly! P: I have thoughts about the little girl. She was weird and creepy and I didn’t like it. I think my major issue with her was that she was a child, who was used as a twist to be the worst one of the family, which is so overdone. We get it, kids are creepy. And also, given that the rest of her family - her dad+uncles/brothers(??) and her grandpa/dad(??) - were murderers, implied cannibals, and general all around awful people, she’s more likely than not a victim of abuse. So I think portraying her as the worst of them all is callous at best, highly problematic at the worst. Get her therapy and away from the people that call themselves her family. Anyway, it boils down to that I think it’s overplayed, and I wish she had a happier path than “Oh, she’s so creepy!!!!”

I love N & P’s really interesting and coherent thoughts but I have to be completely honest that 90% of my thoughts about this episode were like “Mmmmmmm, Sam in a cage” and later “Mmmmmm, Dean tied to a chair.” The other 10% was me having emotions about Dean being desperate to find Sam. Don’t let that undercut the extent to which I loved the episode though. I really loved this episode.

#Fable watches SPN

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prorevenge · 6 years ago

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Try to take advantage of me? Let me hang you out to dry.

This happened a few years ago

A bit of back story; I’m Dutch (sorry in advanced for any spelling or grammatical mistakes) and at the time I was 29. I live with special care and I get paid disability by a government agency which is 80% of minimum wage for someone my age. The job I had at a place, we’ll call JobDirector, and it’s not really a job, more like the place where I’m given care is paying JobDirector to keep me entertained during the day so I’m not stuck at home 24/7. So to sum that up, JobDirector isn’t paying me a dime, they are paid for me to be there and any actual work I do while there also turns them a profit. It’s fair to say that they make double the money on me being there, just keep that in mind as I start the story.

Working at JobDirector, I was the Personal Assistant of the Electrician they had on staff, let’s call him Gus. Gus was an old hand in the trade and he was nearing his retirement he worked only 2 mornings in the week, I worked 4 Mornings in the week so I was a perfect fit to be his assistant. And we did everything, not just electrical but also pluming and putting up storage racks. And I did most of the menial things, lug the tool box around, hand him tools, hold the ladder he was standing on, you name it. I did often get the crappy side of the jobs but that’s how you learned a trade in the old days before formal job trainings. Do the sucky jobs and stick around and you’ll learn a thing or two. Well that is what happened. I learned how to do most of the things Gus was doing regularly. It got to the point where he would send me out to do jobs alone, jobs that didn’t require him to inspect my work for safety reasons.

Management of JobDirector caught wind of this, and having believed that people in my situations couldn’t really be taught anything, they suddenly saw an untapped potential. So for the other 2 days where Gus didn’t need me, JobDirector tried to send me to another project they had going for those days.

The project in question was super vision of peoples’ bicycles at the local train station; they had already opened a kiosk and restaurant there and wanted to add supervision to the bicycles there. (side note to you non-Dutch out there; you’d be surprised how many Bicycles are used and how many are stolen daily in my country, particularly at train stations). I had to report to a small meeting with the guy supervising the train station, let’s call him Jim, so he could instruct me on the job; basically it was a “show presence to scare off thieves” type of deal. Bright orange jacket riddled with reflector strips saying “Bicycle Security” on the back. Just walking around is a job I could easily do, but being more forward thinking then my disability would suggest I of course have questions and the conversation went like this:

“Ok so what about if I catch someone in the act of trying to steal a Bike, and he attacks me, am I covered for defending myself or the potential trauma the thief inflicts on me?” was my first question.

With a somewhat surprised look Jim would answer “Oh don’t worry about it, that’s never to happen.” Guess he didn’t expect that kind of a question from me.

I’ve seen stranger things happen so I don’t buy Jim’s answer, but I press on. “Ok… So what about any incidents that happen?”

“When a incident happens, just stay there and call me.”

“Ok so you’ll provide me with a job phone then?”

At this point Jim starts looking a bit annoyed at me. “What for? You have a cellphone don’t you? Just use that.”

I found that to be a weird response. And while I do look up the occasional schematic for Gus and myself, that’s always over the Company Wifi we installed. But actually using my cellphone bill for work? “Ok can I put in for the amount of my Cellphone bill I use up for work?”

“What the hell for?” Jim says starting to get angry. “It’s just a single less than a minute phone call to call me over.” Now some people might agree with Jim at this point, but let me point out that everyone that is actually on JobDirector’s staff payroll has a work phone assigned to them by the company. They want me, the lowest of the low unpaid worker, to use my private phone? No I draw the line there. But I didn’t have to say anything else anymore as Jim goes: “You know what, never mind. Go back to your original spot because you are being too difficult.”

At the time I filed the whole thing away as something weird and dismissed it as I went on my way. Not really having caught on to a changing trend at the company.

Fast forward a month or two and I’ve learned more about electronics including the NEN3140 Certification. Let me go off topic for a minute here; The NEN3140 is a Dutch certification for electric appliances inside of a business. I don’t know most of the terminology in English, but it has to do with job safety. Any appliance that is movable by hand needs to be certified. This includes but is not limited to; Computers, Corded power tools, chargers for battery powered tools, fridges, freezers and washing machines. If it has a plug on it for a standard electrical outlet, it needs to be certified.

If for instance Timmy uses an angle grinder and it malfunctions causing Timmy to get electrocuted (just making up an extreme example here) and the angle grinder wasn’t NEN3140 compliant, well the company will be looking at a hefty fine from a government agency dealing with job safety. And on top of that job health insurance won’t pay out to cover whatever compensation Timmy needs or is entitled to, meaning the company itself will need to cough that up too. Now back to the story

So Gus and I do this NEN3140 certification for every location JobDirector has, Gus is a certified NEN3140 inspector and has the specialized testing device. I can do the job for him under his supervision. I actually do most of the computerized paperwork for him because Gus is a single finger ‘hunt and peck’ kind of user of the keyboard while I myself ten finger blind type, shaves literally a few months from the work for Gus. Total count of devices tested at just the company itself; 756. Keep that number in mind folks, as it is important!

During one of our drives back to our morning start site just before our shift ends, Gus being an older helpful guy that sometimes worries about peoples futures, and knowing how I can easily do the NEN3140 on my own starts to talk about maybe a potential future for me to be a NEN3140 Certifier. In that conversation I learn the following;

* Getting the diploma is about 50 Euro (55.95 USD) for a 2 hour seminar, which you have to do yearly to keep your NEN3140 certifier status.* The Testing device costs about 1000 Euro (1117.55 USD) to buy, and will cost around 500 Euro (559.50 USD) to calibrate it to specification every year.* If you are a Certifier, and you have your own equipment, you can go to a company and ask a MINIMUM of 20 euro (20.38 USD) per power plug. Note I said power plug, not passed or rejected appliances, just having the plug plugged into the tester is money for me.

Remember that number of total devices? 756? 756 * 20 Euro = 15120 Euro (16919.28 USD). That’s already way more then I make a year from the disability pay. For just two and a half months of work at my current work hours.

The only logical thing I could respond with after having calculated that for the first time was “Thanks Gus, you’ve given me some food for thought”.

About a week after this conversation, Gus tells me that they have a small time business requiring NEN3140 Certification but that he is too busy with another job. So if I could do it instead. I go and I test all the devices they had, 35 plugs in total. I Generate the paperwork and ensure that there is a printed copy of the manual for all said devices that where certified and place 35 signatures on the paperwork in Gus’ name. Total time taken for all that was about two weeks total. Client is happy, I’m happy, Gus is happy, Company is happy.

Two weeks after having completed that, another one comes up. So again I do it, this time under Gus’ supervision. 514 plugs. Two months of work and my wrist was in agony after setting 514 signatures. Remember I’m a lowest of the lower unpaid worker there, so I already decided that I wasn’t going to be doing that for long.

At this point, Gus is almost a single year away from his retirement. And in our daily conversations in his car he had already pointedly told me that “When my retirement hits, I’ll be leaving my tools at home and never touching them again unless they pay me.” He’s the ‘can’t sit still at home’ type so he was going to be sticking at the company as a volunteer together with his wife he was also working there. Not doing electronics work anymore.

And the upper management of JobDirector saw an untapped gold mine. Me, doing NEN3140 certifications. So I was called into a small meeting, Gus was there, some HR like person and one of the underbosses. They started buttering me up about helping me get a certifier license, at a great deal of half off. The testing device they had already bought and paid for, on the one hand possible career choice, on the other hand? No way am I going that for 80% of minimum wage considering what kind of money that’d be making off of me. Let alone the position of responsibility I’d be left in. as rankings in the company go, I am literally lowest of the low. I have no say. Gus when he found an appliance while doing the NEN3140, would put a cable-snipper onto the power cord and cut it as close the appliance as possible. I don’t have that kind of authority, and you’ll just know that the company will continue using an appliance even if I reject it. Now who do you think is going to take the fall for that if someone gets unscheduled electro shock therapy?

Covering the financial situation first, I ask them what I would get in return. Their response left me lukewarm and I quote: “Payment? This is a bit of responsibility, which is a good thing for you!” Yeah, just because I live with special care and get disability, they think that I have no responsibility at all. And I wasn’t out to milk them dry or anything. If they did pay me above a certain amount it wouldn’t be a benefit to me but a detriment as the disability I get would be cut leaving me even worse off. But some compensation would have been nice right? More relaxed hours, different job title that would actually allow me to throw out the appliances that didn’t make it, a company cellphone maybe? Nope they wouldn’t budge. So I told them where they could stick their ‘bit of responsibility’.

Well tell you something though, because of my disability, I didn’t get scolded. Not in any official capacity anyways. But Gus was not happy. In a later conversation I had in his car, he said that I was being stupid, and that I won’t make it anywhere in life if I don’t try anything new. This is of course coming from the guy who’s been raving for two years now how he’ll never pick up his tools again after he’s retired. I point out his hypocrisy and that if he doesn’t want to do the work if he’s not getting paid, then why should I? He has no answer of course and stays quiet.

A week passes, and I was notified that Gus no longer wanted to work with me because he disapproved of my work ethics. Well that suited me just fine, as much as I respect his age and experience, I was getting tired of him harping on about my disability and his disapproval of how I choose to spend my free time like the dude is my dad or something. And an hour later I heard that the company was making deals with other companies for NEN3140 Certifications.

I had already smelled something fishy a week before Gus no longer wanted to work with me and had taken prudence to look for another company that would be happy to have my presence and the payment they’d get for having me over 4 mornings of the week.

The following morning I was called over and they started to tell me about the job at a major company in the area, upwards of 1500+ appliances. My boss was very enthusiastic about it (who wouldn’t be for 30k Euro/33.5k USD?) and that I needed to do that job under Gus’ supervision. Meaning Gus would drive me out to there, to then leave me there to do his own workload. Then pick me up again at quitting time.

I told the boss that I was happy for him landing such a big job and I enthusiastically told him that I just got hired somewhere else, and because I’m unpaid I had no obligation to give prior notice. Boss went white as a sheet, trying to tell me that I couldn’t just do that, and that I had to have a 3 month exit period. I knew it wasn’t true, so I just laughed myself all the way out the door to my new ‘job’ that certainly appreciated me more than this company.

(source) story by (/u/Tommyg930)

#prorevenge #by /u/Tommyg930 #pro revenge #revenge stories #pro revenge stories #pro #revenge #last10

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jeremiahgrey · 5 years ago

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JEREMIAH GREY ##STATS&BIO

Basic Information

Full Name: jeremiah grey

Nickname(s): jay

Age: twenty-four

Date of Birth: march 23, 1995

Zodiac Sign: aries

Hometown: las vegas, nevada

Current Location: san francisco, california

Ethnicity: his mother is caucasian, his father is african american

Nationality: american

Gender: cis male

Pronouns: he/him

Orientation: heterosexual

Physical Appearance

Face Claim: justice smith

Hair Colour: dark brown

Eye Colour: dark brown

Height: 5′10″ (178 cm)

Weight: 149 lbs (68 kg)

Health

Physical Ailments: none

Neurological Conditions: borderline personality disorder

Allergies: none

Sleeping Habits: varies, depending on level of anxiety/current state of mind.

Eating Habits: varies. tends to snack frequently, rather than eat large meals.

Exercise Habits: goes for a run 1-2 times a day.

Emotional Stability: it varies, but overall about a 5 or 6.

Sociability: likes to be alone, or in the company of 1-5 other people. but he doesn’t fear public places or crowds and doesn’t have social anxiety (typically). just a preference.

Addictions: cigarettes, usually stress related.

Drug Use: none that he consumes habitually. he’s experimented with psychedelics and marijuana, but it’s just a once in while type thing.

Alcohol Use: about once or twice a week on average.

Personality

Positive Traits: adaptable, adventurous, amusing, charming, determined, quick witted, resourceful, tough

Negative Traits: detached, finicky, moody, obsessive, quick tempered, stubborn, unstable

Hobbies: swimming, running, conspiracy theories, hiking, visiting abandoned towns/buildings & old cemeteries, people watching

Habits: smoking, whistling, biting the skin around his nails, fiddling with objects or his clothing, tapping his foot

BIO:

TRIGGER WARNINGS: CHILDHOOD ABUSE, SELF HARM & SUICIDE IS BRIEFLY MENTIONED, MENTAL HEALTH

Jeremiah grew up in Las Vegas

His father left him and his mother when Jeremiah was 12. He had been verbally and physically abusive to both of them up until his departure.

The trauma stuck with Jeremiah and later led to him being diagnosed with borderline personality disorder

When he was in middle school he would have “episodes” of social and mental withdrawal. They would last a few hours typically, and without the clinical resources to diagnose it, he would always refer to it as being “trapped in himself”

Being trapped meant he was disassociating. He would basically just “blank out.” An inability to focus on one thing, just racing thoughts that he couldn’t keep track of or characterize. Often times he would have to physically escape as well, isolating from other people. A lot of the time he had urges to self harm, or even suicidal fantasies.

His personality for the most part was bubbly and charismatic, he was adventurous and always starting a new hobby or interest. And then he would become “trapped” in his mind.

His inability to characterize his mental illness, and his childhood trauma, culminated in a short temper.

He was suspended from school in his junior year for getting into a fist fight. He was sent to mandatory counseling sessions, where he was formally diagnosed as having borderline personality disorder.

For a few years he faded in and out, never quite having a quick fix or remedy when he felt trapped or angry. And he refused medication, or any forms of continued therapy.

His senior year of school he just couldn’t put up with it anymore. The bouts of aggression, being labelled a freak, the lost sense of loneliness that accompanied being “trapped.”

Every time he’d have an “episode” he would journal. An attempt at collecting and manifesting the racing thoughts. He would smoke a cigarette, hold his breath, count to ten, and write everything he possibly could. Then he would go for a run.

It worked, at least a little bit. It made him feel more in control. A way to cope. And whenever he feels it coming on, he has to get away, and chase that ability of control. He doesn’t always have to write, but he needs to do something. Go to the top of a building and yell his thoughts, or to a creek to throw rocks and count out his feelings. It’s not a one hundred percent fix, and he still has outbursts that mimic rage. But he can clench his fists and disappear and try to deal with it.

He moved to San Francisco when he was twenty one. Just to get out on his own, face the world. His mom had a new boyfriend, someone better than his father. And he felt okay leaving her, finding himself.

Today he’s still the same guy with borderline personality disorder, but it’s not a ghost that unwittingly haunts him. He just lets it happen, redefines it. Yeah, a bit unstable, but he doesn’t fear it anymore. Of course, he still has the traumatic threads of his pasts that still weave into his character from time to time. But he feels more free than he’s ever felt before. He has an apartment, and a job, and a different outlook on his mental health. It doesn’t feel like he’s trapped anymore, it’s just a burst of inward thinking that he can channel into something recognizable and bearable.

Jeremiah works as a delivery guy for the businesses on Carroway Street.

FAST FACTS / HEADCANONS / PERSONALITY:

Goofy and lovable, unless he’s in a “mood.” Sometimes he may seem a bit odd or scatter-brained, jumping from topic to topic in conversation.

Likes memorizing random facts, and sprinkles them in when talking to people. He doesn’t naturally have a very good memory, so he tries to purposefully improve on that.

Often comes up with nicknames for people.

Sometimes he’ll just say some cryptic, vague shit. Something ominous or nonsensical. This is just him thinking out loud usually.

The way he interacts with people is usually pretty vibe based. If someones a dick, he’s a dick. If someones acting tough, he’ll probably try to get under their skin or irritate them a bit. He’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind, and usually the thought of “filtering” himself isn’t even present. It doesn’t feel controversial to him to say some of the things he says. He doesn’t think of himself as bold or brash, but he’s come to learn over his entire lifetime that it’s the reason he’s so often branded as a freak or a weirdo.

ALSO just because he doesn’t “filter” himself in conversations, doesn’t automatically mean he’s an asshole, or saying rude things constantly. A lot of the times he will say stupidly sweet things that the average person would find cringy or awkward to say to another human being so brazenly.

He’s also pretty good at reading people, just he’s not very good at acting accordingly and appropriately?? I guess? Like he can pick up on vibes, but that probably won’t change the fact that he’s gonna say what he’s going to say.

And lastly (I promise this is the end and I’m sorry this got rambly oops) he’s kind of stubborn and can be bossy, like once he gets something in his head like THAT’S IT, he’s doing it and he wants you to do it. And you can call him bull-headed or balky but he’s just going to insist he’s passionate and determined. And it’s probably annoying to the people around him but he doesn’t really care honestly he’ll probably just rant and rave and somehow convince whoever he’s with because he has a sort of cheeky charm about him. but also he’s a pain in the ass sometimes i guess.

PLAYLIST:

coming soon

WANTED PLOTS/CONNECTIONS:

any of these can be platonic or romantic, depending on how we develop them!!!

a friend that he can just “shoot the shit” with. someone who will go on little adventures with and sit in the woods with or sit on the beach with and listen to music. they never pry about his mood swings and they give him space and stuff?

someone who works at jukebox records and doesn’t mind when he loiters around all day and recommends music to him, and sometimes they’ll sit at one of the listening booth things at the store and listen to each others recommendations together.

a drinking/karaoke buddy

someone he met when he first moved to san fran (3 years ago), and maybe he’s told them about his past and his mental illness and his coping mechanisms and they’re good at recognizing the signs and they kinda help him out and let him vent and they’re just supportive and understanding. but also respect when he just needs to be alone or escape, but checks up on him cause < 3 < 3

a neighbor (in his apartment, and im assuming he lives in the calloway apartments i guess) but they started off as enemies kinda? like maybe one of them would blast music and then the other would bang on the walls and be mad and leave little passive aggressive notes telling them to stop being annoying. but maybe the loud music stopped or something?? and then the other person was like “whoa are they okay?” so then they started leaving notes that were caring and supportive and maybe little gifts or knick knacks or food for them, or little scavenger hunts, and then they just kinda started hanging out one day. IDK, this can be discussed more in depth/particular in dm’s i guess. this would be cutesy i feel!!!

an ex girlfriend or ex fwb. but it didn’t work out because they couldn’t really deal with jeremiah’s mood swings or his need to disappear sometimes, and how vague he would be about it. or maybe they suggested he should go to therapy or a support group, and since he is such a stubborn little pain in the butt he just became distant and felt judged and went cold on them. maybe there’s still some lingering feelings there, either positive or negative. we can discuss the particulars in dm!!!

someone with mental health issues, that he met at a support group when he first came to san fran. but jeremiah stopped attending the meetings after only a few. this relationship could be a lot of different things! maybe it’s hostile/confrontational, because they have differing viewpoints on how to treat mental illness. it could be supportive. or maybe it’s like a secret?? like maybe this other person was at the support group for reasons that they’ve never told anyone, and like, jeremiah can be their trusted friend or confidante.

NOTE: if there are any connections that aren’t mentioned here, but you feel like would really suit my muse, please feel free to message me!!!!!! with anything!!!!!!!

#info #jukeboxintro

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hunterclaringtonjoy · 4 years ago

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Title: If the apple falls from the tree does it make a sound?

Who: Hunter Clarington & @franniexfabs (with guest appearance by Oliver Fabray)

Where: Frannie’s apartment.

When: Thursday, July 23rd

What: Hunter and Frannie receive the results of the paternity test and find out if Hunter is Ollie’s Father. Neither of them know which answer they want or how to react...

Hunter: Hunter was feeling antsy and frustrated all day, he knew the results were meant to come back by the end of the day and it was all he could think about. Honestly it was the only thing he'd thought about since Frannie had told him. He'd gone back and forth wondering if she's done it on purpose- had she hidden the possibility from him because she's wanted the other guy to be the father? Or had she been sure Ollie was the other guys and it was a genuine mistake? Frannie had called him, letting him know the results had come in and Hunter ran across campus from his last class where he'd almost punched the guy beside him for giving dumb answers when the professor had asked for ideas. Arriving at Frannie's apartment he knocked, trying to smooth out his shirt and hair to not look as terrified as he was.

Frannie: Frannie had been trying to put the results coming in from the test today to the back of her mind since she was trying to focus on her paper that was due on Sunday night. But that all fell away when her phone's notification showed that she had a new email from the clinic. Part of her had wanted to open it and read what it said, but she couldn't do that to Hunter. She called him and waited, shaking her leg on the couch as Ollie played and babbled on the carpet while an episode of The Octonauts played on the television. Hearing the knock, she went to the door and opened it. "Hey... thanks for coming over."

Hunter: Hunter tapped his fingers against his cell phone in his front pocket in a nervous tic, he tried to give Frannie his usual charming smile but honestly he just felt sick. "Yeah, hi." He nodded, looking over to where Ollie was on the carpet, keeping himself occupied and completely unaware of the tension. "So how was your day?" He asked awkwardly.

Frannie: Frannie shut the door as he came into the apartment and let out a breath, watching him glance over at Ollie. "Uh... good. Nothing really exciting..." She replied just as awkwardly. "Do you want anything to drink?" She offered, internally cursing herself for making things so weird. Of course this situation was all she had been thinking about since Hunter even crossed her mind as an option and now it was all coming down to her uncomfortably offering him something to drink and them opening a stupid email together? She hated this.

Hunter: The two of them had never been awkward, they'd never had any weird phase like that. They'd had emotional turmoil when Frannie had started dating Nate but other than that their encounters were mainly fun and this week was throwing Hunter off completely. "No no, let's just-" He ran a hand through his already messed up hair... "Did you open the email already?" he asked tentatively, his voice sounding smaller than it ever had.

Frannie: Frannie nodded, moving from her uncomfortable hovering stance to the couch as she took her phone out of her back pocket. She started tapping the screen to pull up the email before she stopped and glanced at Hunter. “Wh- Uh, no. No, I didn’t. As soon as I saw the notification, I called you.” She said, hitting the link in the email to sign into her account. Her hands were shaking slightly as she tried to type everything in.

Hunter: Hunter looked awkwardly between Frannie now on the couch and Ollie still sitting playing. "I- okay- yeah- good." He mumbled, not meeting Frannie's eyes but following her over to sit down beside her. "You got this?" He asked gently, reaching out to take one of her hands before pulling back at the last second, feeling too worked up and uncomfortable to slide into his flirty nature. Usually touching Frannie felt naturally playful but right now it was too overwhelming.

Frannie: Frannie’s eyes stayed on her phone screen, watching the page load after she signed in. She wasn’t certain, but it felt like her heart was pounding so hard that everyone in the apartment building would be able to hear it. She nodded again, still staring at her phone. A button that said See Results came up and her thumb hovered over it, still shaking. She glanced over at Ollie, who was stacking some blocks together and babbling, before swallowing hard and drawing a breath in as she hit the button. The page loading seemed like it was taking forever as she tried to move her phone to hold it between herself and Hunter so he could see whatever words pop up on the screen, but her hand still shook. “Sorry...” she mumbled.

Hunter: "Fuck sake!" Hunter groaned quietly as the page seemed to take forever to load once Frannie had entered her information. He couldn't take the suspense, he felt like he was going to be sick. He ran his hand through his hair again, making it look like he hadn't washed it in a month and tugged at the collar of his shirt, feeling like his throat was tightening with every breath he took. Finally, the page came into focus while Frannie's hand shook and there it was in clear sans script font the word Match between the names Oliver Fabray and Hunter Clarington. Hunter's jaw dropped. He was completely speechless as he stared at the words as if they might get up and rearrange themselves...

Frannie: A lump formed in her throat as the page finally loaded and she read the words. There was a slight wave of relief that washed over her as she let out a breath slowly. At least she didn’t have to go through this process again with someone else, right? She glanced over at Hunter, still looking at the screen. Frannie chewed on the inside of her cheek, not really knowing what to say or do now.

Hunter: Part of Hunter wanted to get up and run, run and run and never come back, but another part of him was screaming to reach out for Ollie, to pick him up and hold him tight. He'd never been the best at expressing his emotions or controlling them, especially after his mother died and he was left to be raised by a man who didn't care. Who sent him off to military school where the cadets were taught to have hearts of stone and that feuds were solved with armies. But 6 months of therapy and anger management had taught him enough that he managed not to have an outburst. Hunter breathed heavily, trying to keep calm. "He's my- he's my son." He muttered, hands shaking, really trying to get up and get outside for air but he felt glued to the couch.

Frannie: Frannie finally put her phone down on the coffee table and stood up suddenly. Then she sat down again, furrowed her brow, and stood up once more as she shook her head. She went over to the windows and opened them, standing there and looking out the window. Her moment of relief was over and now her mind was reeling with all that needed to be done and all the conversations that had to be had and how terrible she was at trying to convey how she felt. She nodded, glancing back at Hunter and then at Ollie. “Y-Yep, yeah, He’s- That’s what match meant. Mhmmm.” She looked back out the window until she heard “Mama!” and glanced down to see Ollie standing next to her, reaching out for her to pick him up. She bent down and placed him on her hip. “Hey Ollie...” She smiled at him and kissed his cheek. Ollie pointed at Hunter, frowning a little. Frannie moved back to the couch with Ollie and sat him between them. Ollie poked Hunter gently, looking at him.

Hunter: Hunter felt like he could breathe a little easier when Frannie finally moved over to the window, her up and down movement was making him feel claustrophobic. He tried to rub his eyes discreetly as tears tried to force their way out but he swallowed hard a few times to push them back. He'd never been one to cry but right now his feelings were overwhelming as he tried to reconcile the path he'd accepted for his future and how all that was crumbling down around him. He'd gone from only having to worry about himself, to worrying about himself and Benji, to now having a whole new human to worry about. A human that was part of him and would rely on him for the rest of his life. Hunter had been so lost in his own mind he didn't notice Frannie had returned to the couch with Ollie until the boy was prodding him and staring. "Hey kiddo." Hunt tried to smile. "What's up with you?"

Frannie: Ollie looked up at Hunter, still frowning a little but began to smile when Hunter smiled a little. He wiggled on the couch, shifting until he was standing up next to Hunter and wrapped his little arms around him like he had before. "...It's uh... It's good if he sees you crying. I mean, not good... but you know... it shows him that having emotions are okay... everyone has them and they shouldn't... like... be suppressed or whatever." Frannie rambled a little, almost regurgitating word for word what Sam had told her before.

Hunter: "I'm not- I'm not-" Hunter responded, shaking his head, still denying his feelings, still trying to harden his expression. Clarington's didn't cry. Clarington's didn't show any emotion. However, he did allow himself to wrap his arms around the small body of his son and hold him close, closing his eyes and letting the rest of his senses take in the little boy in his arms. The softness of his hair, the scent of baby detergent, the slight stickiness that always seemed to be present on little fingers no matter how often you washed them. But now their was a small Clarington who should be taught better than he was, a small boy who should be taught that love and pain, happiness and sadness were all good things, things that needed to be felt and expressed, and maybe Hunter and Ollie could learn that together.

#para #franniexfabs

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please-return-to-villanelle · 5 years ago

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Choices

Season 3 episode 4 recap part 2

Choices Eve, it’s all about choices.

The conclusion he came to, after several rounds of therapy, was to free himself of his toxic marriage and start over.

I think we both know I deserve better.

Niko chose to cut his ties to Eve and start over entirely.

Eve on the other hand chooses NOT to respect Niko’s wishes and instead obsessively texts him... a week after he left for Poland.

Keep that important point in mind.

It took her an entire week to reach out to Niko, as was revealed by the staff member at the therapy center who reluctantly told Eve that Niko discharged himself and mentioned something about Poland.

So, why the contradictions in Eve’s behavior? Is she fully invested in her relationship with Niko or not?

Choices.

Though Eve is learning about this darkness within her, she still hasn’t fully committed to what type of life she wants: dark or light, normal or abnormal, safe or dangerous?

She constantly teeters on the precipice.

Which is why whenever she indulges in her darker urges just a little too much the first thing she does as a reflex is cling to the good and normal in her life: Niko.

So why did it take her a week to check up on Niko?

She’s alive Eve.. and she’s working.

But when the game hits close to home and Eve starts to loose control and indulge in her deeper desires, that’s when she clings to her safety blanket of normalcy.

Hi, Eve.

So here we have Eve desperately clinging to the idea of Niko in the aftermath of kissing Villanelle.

But this comes at a cost.

Had Eve respected Niko’s wishes and left him alone, he would still be alive.

But Eve is no stranger to endangering the lives of others.

Life is just a series of trade-offs.

Carolyn is choosing to alienate her living child to find justice for the one she lost.

Geraldine serves as foil to Carolyn.

But perhaps that’s not the only reason she is short with Geraldine.

Have you had any visitors over lately?

We both know who you’re really working for... Yourself.

Irina notices this and calls him out directly when he tries to tell her that he works for the Russian government and is totally not a crook like her mom’s new boyfriend.

But what we see here is someone that loves living a double life and just can’t call it quits. Or this is someone that’s in too deep and can’t escape this life of crime.

And it’s only a matter of time before they all catch up with you.

Who are you talking to?

Contrast this to her encounter later on with Konstantin, when he asks her why she is in such a good mood she answers him honestly.

It’s Eve’s birthday today.

She even trusts Konstantin with the information that she is seeking out her family which is something she has not told anyone else.

#killing eve #villanelle #eve polastri #villaneve #killing eve analysis #carolyn martens #konstantin vasiliev #geraldine #killing eve season 3 #i feel things when i'm with queue

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