#He is not handling his hypothetical breakup very well

[galadriel-blue]

Sauron changing into a form that is suspiciously similar to Celeborn's appearance shows exactly how well he's taking Galadriel's rejection. 😂

[ofoceansandtombsanew]

My Chapter 51 Thoughts and my thoughts around ShimaMitsu in general

So @mapoeggplant​ had a really cool discussion thread on twitter and I wanted to contribute to it. But I got very longwinded and now idk if the pics in my google doc even loaded... so I decided to share my thoughts here on tumblr as well!

Be warned, this post is littered with manga spoilers so if you are an anime-only or haven’t caught up to the most recent chapters, avoid this post so you don’t have the journey spoiled for yourself ^o^

Mika realizing something is up with Mitsumiー Mika is definitely a character that surprised me in how much I ended up liking her! Everyone in S&L I think is a subversion of popular tropes in manga’s past where on the surface they look like a trope and then boom, sensei hits us with a reality check and explanation as to how they are. Mika is clearly the ‘mean girl in shoujo who hates the protagonist by virtue of crushing on the male lead’. *Worry not, I’m aware S&L is a seinen*

But her maturity and growth over the series? Astounding. From reconciling with her envy of Mitsumi, Nao helping her come to terms with the idea of Mitsumi and Sousuke dating hypothetically in the future and becoming such a good friend? Love it.

So I love how Mika is the first to really notice that something is off with Mitsumi in regards to Sousuke.

Pretty sure that back in chapter 47 it was established that all of the girls have noticed something was off with Mitsumi. But they decided to respect her privacy because if she wants to tell them what’s wrong, she’ll tell them and they want to give her the chance to come to them first. Though they did express they were worried she wasn’t truly seeming like herself.

And the reason Mika starting to connect the dots this most recent chapter is so ‘big’ for me, for lack of a better word, is because it really puts into perspective how Mitsumi has been handling the breakup.

Mitsumi breaking things off with Sousuke was definitely a mature move. I’ve even been in the same position of breaking things off with a relationship because of feeling like the way we loved each other was different and it would be best to go back to friends. Then spending 2 years chatting with my ex as if nothing happened before having an emotional breakdown about it and needing two weeks of space from her before I could function around her. And it feels like Mitsumi is doing the same thing with Sousuke. But by virtue of Mika spotting Mitsumi’s discomfort in sitting next to Sousuke and starting to question things, it really solidifies how Mitsumi is processing things.

Like, Mitsumi telling Sousuke she can work on her own and such when he proposed the idea when she mentioned wanting to work to get Maharu a new wallet. She wasn’t just brushing it off and being all chill, kumbaya. She was more than likely trying to avoid him because she isn’t really ready to just be alone with him yet.

So I’m hoping in this arc that Mika is going to bring up what she’s noticed to Mitsumi. Because since she’s already processed her feelings, if Mitsumi were to admit to her that she and Sousuke dated briefly before she ended things it wouldn’t make Mika spiteful or anything weird like that. If anything, I think it would bring them closer together because if there is anyone who would understand the Sousuke-failed-relationship/rejection love pains Mitsumi is going through, it would be Mika.

Mitsumi & Sousuke (and Yasaka)ー

As for Mitsumi specifically, I think that her relationship with Sousuke as present is a ripple effect of Yasaka’s statement back during the chapter Mitsumi rightfully called Sousuke out for not standing up for her when she would definitely do it if the roles were reversed.

Immediately after that, we see Mitsumi beginning to contemplate what she said, her perspective of Sousuke and she doesn’t really know how Sousuke was raised, his relationships with his family etc. Like, she knows there is some drama there, based on the school festival arc with the play and running into Sousuke’s childhood friends and mother but she also acknowledges she doesn’t know the full story and how Sousuke came to be how he is today.

While Yasaka’s assessment did give Mitsumi the idea that she should keep in mind how she was raised and how others were raised paints how they become in the present, she is almost like… overly internalizing that and trying to be overly conscious of Sousuke’s feelings. And even the feelings of Maharu. I’m not sure I’d go as far as saying Mitsumi is blaming herself for what they are going through since so far I haven’t really seen anything that would indicate self-blame. The closest you can get to that is her scolding herself for expecting Sousuke to come to her defense just because they’re dating.

When, in reality, while Yasaka is right Mitsumi should keep in mind that Sousuke and her have different frames of reference and she should be considerate of that… Mitsumi was well within her right to be upset that her boyfriend was letting some mean girls shit talk in her face and made no effort to defend her.

Then the next time you see them interact in chapter 45, she essentially brushes that under the rug. She apologizes to Sousuke for getting upset, he says he is going to turn down their party invite and they go their separate ways… But Sousuke never actually apologizes for not standing up for her which, at least in Mitsumi’s eyes, would solidify the idea that she was in the wrong and was expecting too much of her at-the-time boyfriend.

This overly considerate behavior Mitsumi is now displaying even went as far as not wanting to tell her friends about the breakup and everything that led up to it because she was worried about how they would perceive Sousuke and possibly give him some sort of negative treatment in response to how things went. Not to mention, she’d rather just bottle up her feelings than cause a rift in their friend group they’ve had since first year.

When she breaks up with Sousuke, she goes above and beyond in reassuring him they have and always will be friends. Which while that is cool because the hiccups aside, they have a pretty great friendship, Mitsumi isn’t really allowing herself to feel hurt by the breakup and thinks that, while even if a large portion of it is that she and Sousuke’s ‘love’ is different her actions thus far would imply she thinks it is on her for expecting so much. (So I guess there actually is a good portion of self-blame from her, even if subconsciously!) 

And with the most recent chapter, Sousuke gets to see how Mitsumi is hiding how hurt she is by Maharu’s rejection of her gift and her outburst that Mitsumi is only thinking about herself and to me his expression is almost like a parallel to his expression in chapter 46 when Mitsumi broke up with him.

In chapter 46, Sousuke needed comfort. He’s worried about being abandoned or viewed as worthless because he wasn’t able to live up to the ‘use’ or ‘idea’ Mitsumi had of him.

This time, Mitsumi needs comfort and it’s like this moment has essentially confronted Sousuke with the fact that she isn’t as cheerful, mature and invulnerable as she has presented herself to him thus far. So while yes, Yasaka was right in how Mitsumi doesn’t know as much about Sousuke as she thought she did, the reverse is also very true in that Sousuke doesn’t really know Mitsumi as much as he thought he did.

Sprinkle all this into the fact that Sousuke is going through his own whirlwind of emotions regarding Mitsumi, their breakup and how he feels about her. He’s jealous of Ujiie and how close he is with Mitsumi, he feels left out that Mitsumi hasn’t really been including him in activities outside of school and he was pouty and perplexed in chapter 47 about her perspective of the breakup going far as to pout to Chris and Ririka:

And Chris rightfully being confused because he doesn’t get Sousuke’s reaction since back in chapter 42 he didn’t even really know if Sousuke really even liked Mitsumi romantically (as proven by how, when Sousuke told him about the breakup, he automatically assumed Sousuke was dumper and not the dumpee). Now he wants to be closer to her while Mitsumi is essentially going ‘I want to keep everything chill and normal but at the same time I’m still upset and trying not to be next to him for extended periods of time just yet’.

Fast forward to chapter 51 and Sousuke’s in Mitsumi’s childhood home and feeling out of place/out of his element. So this is all the recipe for him to confront his own misconceptions of Mitsumi and, hopefully, apologize for his part in the breakup and how he should have stood up for her. Which we do see him do later in chapter 50 when she isn’t present, but Sousuke has the self-awareness to know and bitterly accept that if Mitsumi hadn’t called him out before he likely would have let them continue talking poorly about her.

Maharu & Mitsumiー Now onto Maharu~ I’m fully looking forward to her part in this arc because it is very clear that she is dealing with insecurities regarding herself and her older sister. Mitsumi has been confirmed by multiple characters that she is essentially a prodigy in her hometown and her hometown is being hit with a very real-life problem the Japanese countryside faces. Like, it is to the point where schools in the countryside are shutting down because there aren’t enough students to justify keeping them open because the young people are leaving for the city, not returning and not raising their kids there (which most people aren’t doing anyway due to the decline in birthrates in recent years for Japan).

Mitsumi even went as far as telling Sousuke her thoughts that she might likely be the only one of her siblings to even leave their prefecture.

We don’t really know how much Mitsumi is discussed back in her hometown, but it must be enough to make Maharu feel the way she does. It is just unfortunately manifesting in taking things out on her sister rather than talking to her parents about how she feels or even trying to discuss it with Mitsumi. Hell, talking to Mitsumi about it first probably won’t even help things come to a positive conclusion. As it stands now, Maharu’s perception of her sister is that Mitsumi looks down on her for getting out of the prefecture and going to the holy grail that is the capital of their country for school.

She needs an outside perspective that isn’t ‘tainted’ by Mitsumi.

Mitsumi’s friends from Tokyo are out because 1) they are Mitsumi’s friends and 2) Maharu already is feeling insecure and putting them on a pedestal because they are Tokyonites and fancy people.

Her family is out because Mitsumi is essentially their pride and joy.

And the chapter end with Maharu running into Fumi and while I wanna say ‘Fumi, get in here and rescue this sibling relationship’-

Fumi would still fall under the category of ‘tainted by Mitsumi’ by virtue of being Mitsumi’s best friend, even if Fumi has been shown to be very close to the Iwakura family. So I honestly think it could go either way with Fumi trying to talk to Maharu and help her vent how she feels, but Maharu could easily do that and when Fumi tries to be reasonable Maharu could think that Fumi is trying to take Mitsumi’s side when she is just trying to help give Maharu some outside perspective.

So that would basically summarize all of スキロー thoughts with the most recent chapter sensei has delivered us. I’m loving it all so far and looking very forward to what happens next!

[lynn-the-lynn]

My aro life has opened a new chapter. And that chapter is called "oh dear God why do I feel so conflicted." (Rant ish post ahead)

I have three best friends. Let's name them Eric, Merida, and Flora.

Merida started dating this boy that I'm low key scared of. She told me about some of the decisions she's made with him and I went 😨. Nevertheless, happy for them.

Flora is someone I haven't known for long, but she started dating their childhood best friend not too long ago. Happy for them.

Merida set Eric up on a date with another guy. From what I've heard, they hit it off pretty well and are very interested in each other. Eric got his phone taken. I can't talk to him about it. Still. Happy for him.

Hell, my brother has a girlfriend

I am terrified of them treating me differently. I may start sixth wheeling soon. Please get me off of this biblically accurate bike omfg

Being Cupioromantic-Caedromantic-Aroflux-whatever as everyone around you is falling into their flowery highschool romances is terrifying. Maybe I'm just scared of growing up. Maybe that's why I bury myself in my cartoons and I still sleep with my plushies.

But, underneath the fear, I'm more comfortable accepting that I may not be capable of, or want to feel, that kind of love. Especially in highschool.

Highschool relationships baffle me.

Merida and Eric want to set me up on a date as well. I like the idea of not falling, but gently sitting down in love. But then again, I couldn't handle a wlw highschool breakup.

I've always been able to fluster the two of them with stories and hypotheticals. They have never been able to fluster me. "He has a good smile~" Eric is DEAD. "He's JACKED and GOOFY." Merida is DEAD.

"Shes... Nice?" Ok nice try 😭

Maybe what I want is a QPR that's not labeled as a QPR. Maybe what I want is my small business to lift off and Ill never have to worry about this. Maybe I want to go back to therapy.

I'm so happy for all of my friends. Especially Eric. That man has grown so much, and I've held his hand almost every step of the way. I know I'll let go soon. And that's ok.

Sigh. This usually goes into a discord server with Merida and Eric in it, but they're busy. And I don't think I want to talk about how scared, repulsed, intoxicated, and how yearnful I am for a relationship all at the same time.

So, I'm sending this into the void. I hope it finds someone who resonates with it. So you know that you're not alone in this feeling. So you know you're valid. So you know that it's okay to feel the way that you do.

And this was super cathartic to write, 10/10.

[ladymorghul]

There's been another leak from a guy that's known to be unreliable (although he did get a few things right in S1?) and this time it was about Helaemond and antis have lost their minds about it lmao. Apparently it will be revealed in S2 that they've been having a relationship and the kids are implied and basically confirmed to be his but, before leaving for Harrenhal, Aemond will be ending their relationship and this will apparently play a role in Helaena's suicide which will happen at the end of S2. Now as it's been pointed out it's far too early in production to say if this is accurate at all but the reactions this stuff is getting are out of proportion…and, if accurate, I think some are intentionally pretending not to understand why Aemond would end the relationship: first of all he would blame himself for B&C and Helaena's descent into madness and grief and secondly he would obviously believe he isn't worthy anymore of her love given that he's the one responsible for her suffering. And maybe he himself believes he's likely to die in the war and never return back to her, it's possible he thinks he would be sparing her if he ends whatever affair they may have had. I have to mention that one would've expected her to be the one to end it (because he caused her son's death) but if you think about it, it also make sense if he's the one to do it as well.

(this is the leak: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nDayqrXZEL8 )

i'm gonna be honest with you my attention span cannot handle that guy talking for 10 minutes so whatever he says, i'm taking your word for it, even if it's helaemond related

but before i say anything, i wanna say i especially distrust youtube leaks for some reason

Apparently it will be revealed in S2 that they've been having a relationship and the kids are implied and basically confirmed to be his but, before leaving for Harrenhal, Aemond will be ending their relationship and this will apparently play a role in Helaena's suicide which will happen at the end of S2.

ending their relationship sounds very vague to me. it doesn't speak of motive, it doesn't tell you what happens exactly, it doesn't speak to helaena's response other than it plays into her su!c!de later, which his death will likely play into it as well to helaena losing all hope but this does depend on when they decide to have helaena khs

imo if helaemond is real in the story, it will be a very fucked up dynamic post b&c, just like helaegon. their entire relationship will be drowned in grief + aemond's guilt and desire to take revenge. i think that's part of the tragedy, that aemond, even regardless of the romantic aspect of helaemond, is probably gonna be consumed with seeking revenge for what was did to his sister.

plus, we have to take into consideration helaena's prophecies. maybe she knows to a degree what happens to aemond since ewan or ryan did talk about aemond knowing some stuff. maybe part of her knows what will happen if / when he leaves, which adds to it. plus, let's be real, even in a scenario where helaena would be angry and disappointed by aemond post storm's end (which is a possibility), at the end of the day, he's still her brother. she wouldn't want him dead.

and if this were true, i doubt it's a "omg helaena i'm breaking up with you" sorta conversation. it's probably more of a it's better if we do it this way, i have to do what i have to do because of what happened, goodbye.

aemond's character will definitely suffer some changes in s2. in this hypothetical scenario, the breakup comes before he leaves for harrenhal so by that point b&c AND rook's rest happened. he's not gonna be the aemond we see in episode 8 for example.

Now as it's been pointed out it's far too early in production to say if this is accurate at all but the reactions this stuff is getting are out of proportion…and, if accurate, I think some are intentionally pretending not to understand why Aemond would end the relationship: first of all he would blame himself for B&C and Helaena's descent into madness and grief and secondly he would obviously believe he isn't worthy anymore of her love given that he's the one responsible for her suffering. And maybe he himself believes he's likely to die in the war and never return back to her, it's possible he thinks he would be sparing her if he ends whatever affair they may have had. I have to mention that one would've expected her to be the one to end it (because he caused her son's death) but if you think about it, it also make sense if he's the one to do it as well.

yeah, i can see both playing this part in a breakup. i don't see it as totally unrealistic for aemond to end things before he has to leave, especially taking into consideration what i said earlier.

the only thing i disagree with is that he is the cause of her suffering / that he cause her son's death. daemon, rhaenyra or mysaria, whoever sent blood and cheese into the castle, to do whatever, even just to kidnap, is responsible for her suffering. aemond may feel responsible for it and helaena may blame him for it, but ultimately people make their own choices in how they respond and if anything in that war was ever an unfair response it was b&c.

[djemsostylist]

Of Queens and Trash

Here’s the thing. SCK has been on a downward trend since 13. The breakup was long, getting together again was tiring, the amnesia plot was poorly handled and the mess that came following his recovery was, well, a mess. The necessary break for covid gave us a chance for a fresh start for Edser. All the bad stuff in the past, and a focus in the last episodes of them being able to finally fulfill all the promises they had not been able to. After all, this was a story that, at its core, was about two people who met and fell in love and who, no matter what, chose to be together. Invisible handcuffs. And with the return of the OG writer, it seemed we might finally get that. After 39 episodes of angst and only 7(?) of real togetherness, surely it was time? Forget the pain of the past, and start with Edser navigating their world together.

And then the trailer dropped. And all of a sudden, all the people who had spent months eviscerating Serkan for behaving badly in the 30s were celebrating this new plot, the “great angst” and Eda “being a Queen.”

For me, I can’t get over the hiding of the child. It's a hardline deal breaker. I don’t think it matters who writes it, I think it's an awful plotline. No matter how "good" the trailer looks or moments seem, I will remember that I was watching a show about two people who loved each other and never wanted to be apart, about a man who learned how to open his heart, and this ruined it all.

Now, I think it's worth noting that my hard line, in this particular case, is in response to Edser, if that makes sense. I’m not hardline, “if this is in a story I’m not watching”. If it works for the characters and story because that is the type of story being told, then fine.

I don't subscribe to the woke feminism brand of "all women are Queens and all men are Trash" which seems to be a trend of late (and not just in fandom). I think people are people and people are generally imperfect but also trying. I don’t think women, simply by virtue of carrying a child, get full say in what happens to the child, regardless of the father’s wishes. I'm not fond of a “hiding a kid storyline”, and while I get the whole "my body my choice" style of arguing, it took two people to make the baby. Two people get a say in what happens. I get you are growing the kid, but you didn't spontaneously conceive.

For me, Edser being apart and/or hiding a kid is a hardline. It doesn't fit with the characters as I know them and it doesn't fit with the storyline. And look--I hated the amnesia plot. I thought there were a literal million ways this could have been done better, but it's what we got. So for everyone suddenly defending this new plot, despite it making about as much sense as Eda getting married to make Serkan remember her, then that means everything goes. No blaming writers or ignoring canon...everything has context and meaning now. And since “it's realistic” is also a common refrain, then fine. Let’s go realistic.

Imagine being in a plane crash. You wake up, you have clear physical/mental blocks. For someone who likes to be in control, that's terrifying. You have a ring on your finger with a woman's name you don't know, and an entire year missing. You call the one person you know will come (since your parents and friends are useless) and she comes and tells you a story that jives. You can't remember shit and you keep getting flashes and your hands won't work, so you take what she tells you, because why would you have any reason to doubt? It’s not like you can remember anyway, and trying to remember hurts.

You finally go back home, and you recognize nothing about your own life. Friends, family...everything is different. Your mom is out, your dad is gone, your best friends are married. You don't even live in the same house, you have people working in your company you don’t know--even your dog is gone. And then you have a hysterical woman throwing pictures in your face of a man you don't recognize and your brain is still foggy and all your friends and family seem to be shrugging their shoulders at you.

You're terrified and alone and all you get is some vagueness about an epic love story and too much emotion and all you want to do is hide. From everything. Plus your heart is doing this thing every time the girl is near and you think you might be dying maybe and remember how your brother died?

So, the girl kisses you, you literally feel like you might be dying, and it's like naw. Fuck this. I'm getting back an ounce of control. So you propose to Selin. I mean you don’t love her and you barely want her but at least she is the same. At least she hasn’t changed, and at least she doesn’t stare at you with the weight of a million expectations that everyone else does. At least she doesn’t look at you and hope to see a man you can’t ever remember being.

But then the girl everyone claims is your soulmate is suddenly engaged to another man, and spends every moment after that claiming she hates you, she is over you, she is better off/happier without you, doesn't need you.

So it's like, okay, what is the truth. Your brain isn't helping, your friends aren't helping, she isn't helping. So you lash out, you close off, because really, what else is left. Your life isn’t your life, your mind isn’t your mind, you can’t even figure out what’s real and what isn’t. And she’s getting married and you want to die but she’s getting married and surely if she loved you she wouldn’t be doing this?

And then you get your memories back. Finally. Everything comes flooding back ,and it's a lot. You cope in shitty ways, you don't respond well, etc. You’ve returned from the dead twice, and everything feels just slightly off, but maybe you can make this work. At least you have her. After a few days, you’re feeling like your old self. You've got your memories, your girl, the possibility of the future you had snatched twice, and then BOOM. She rejects you, out of nowhere.

Won't talk, won't communicate, you have no idea what the fuck is happening. She’s crying and sad but also not leaving but also not staying and your brain can’t quite work things out but all you can do is promise that you love her, only her, always her, forever. Surely she must know that by now, right?

And then she tells you about the baby. You can't remember the sex of course, but then you find out it probably happened while your brain was fucked, and you barely have time to process this before oh yeah the love of your life is leaving you bc she would rather you raise a baby with your rapist. And suddenly you might be dying, again.

But you stop her. You stop her and even though she says she didn’t come back for you, why else would she have stayed? So, you finally get her back, she tattoos you on her finger and maybe just maybe everything will be fine when BOOM. Cancer. You aren't even over the other shit, and you have a fucking tumor. You are 30 years old, you've survived a plane crash, amnesia, and now you have a tumor. How many times can a person die?

And so you don’t cope well. You withdraw, you back away. Your brother died when he was young, you know what that does to a person. You know what it did to your family. You have this fear that curls around your heart that says “but what if she becomes my mother.” And she goes. She leaves and she takes your heart and your child (that you don’t even know about) and it’s like...fuck. Again. Because everyone leaves you, eventually. And somehow, it’s always your fault.

So, what I'm saying is, Eda endured a lot, sure. She was hurt. Their breakup in 14 was hard and I’m not denying that (although there is another post I could write about how since Eda never actually uses her words to tell him how she feels he can, perhaps, be understood in assuming that breaking up after barely being together would hurt but also that she would move on and live her life happily without him. Which I guess season 2 proves…) Losing Serkan to an accident/amnesia was hard, looking at the body of the man she loves but not seeing the man she loves must have been agony. But Serkan was fucking wrecked. So instead of choosing to write a plot where they both get to heal, where they both get to explore their pain and work through it together, we get Serkan who reverted to being a robot to cope with massive trauma and PTSD, and essentially is abandoned by everyone, again.

I guess what I'm saying is, if staying with him and supporting him when he was dealing with trauma was too much for her, then fine.That is very true for some people, and it’s certainly realistic. But I don't really think that jives with Eda and her character, and while it isn't a trauma competition, I'd still think Serkan comes out a winner here. Eda lost her parents, which was awful. She lost him, but she got him back. Twice. His trauma is losing his brother, being abandoned by his parents, a plane crash, amnesia, emotional manipulation/abuse and cancer. And then he gets punished by having his daughter taken away from him because he was having a hard time coping. Keeping a kid a secret isn't "protecting the child" it's punishing the father.

Tl;dr The direction they have taken the characters is gross for both mains, but if people are trying to justify Eda keeping his child from him because “he deserves it” or “she did what was best for her” then I think we maybe haven’t been watching the same show. Even if he said “I don’t want kids,” saying that to a hypothetical child is very different then being told “a baby is very much our reality.” Because that's the crux right? It's not that he decided he just didn't want to be a father ever, he's scared of having a family and losing them or of them losing him. And then she made that very fear be realized. Which is tragic and quite the opposite of what his life partner needed to do in that situation.

Bitte.

Thanks to @lolo-deli for the proofread and the final lines, you are the best. And for putting up with my uncontrollable ranting about this for days.

[potentiality-26]

11 questions meme

rules:

1. always post the rules. 2. answer the questions given by the person who tagged you. 3. write 11 questions of your own and tag 11 (or however many) people to answer them.

I was tagged by @futuredescending!

1. What is the nicest thing someone has done for you?

At my high school the seniors were taken on a trip to Disneyland at the end of the year.  The idea was that all these graduating seniors would spend the whole night there and go back to graduate the next day.  Anyway, I ended up really sick.  I can’t really explain it further without getting into TMI, but I was a mess.  The girl who had been my roommate freshman year (I was in boarding school, for those who haven’t picked up on that yet), and who I had grown apart from especially when we were seniors, spent like every minute of that night with me while everyone else was off having fun.  I’m not sure how I would have made it through if she hadn’t, and I’ve never forgotten. 

2. Do you have NOTPs? If so, why are they NOTPs for you?

This answer is going to be less nice than the one I gave earlier, but I get salty late in the day.

In the Kingsman fandom, I don’t really like Eggsy paired with anyone but Harry (OT3s are fine as long as he is involved, but otherwise... no).  Merwin is the one I most dislike, but not because of anything in canon.  When I first realized Merwin was a thing and looked into it, every single fic or headcanon I saw doubled as the author’s dissertation on why Hartwin was a bad ship and/or Harry was an asshole.  That would have turned me off Merwin even if I didn’t like Hartwin better, and I do like Hartwin better, so... yeah.  No. 

There are lots of lovely people that I know, who I follow, and who don’t hate Harry/Hartwin that write and ship Merwin, and I’m sure their fics are lovely too.  I just have this immediate visceral Nope reaction now that I can neither contain nor control.  So usually when I have a NOTP it’s less about the characters themselves and more about what the fandom does or doesn’t do with them.  Otherwise I just don’t think about the ship.   

3. Summarize the worst film/book/song/story you’ve ever read/watched.

Ahhh that’s hard.  If I hate something enough for it to be the worst, I usually stop reading/watching pretty well.  But... They Came Together is an extremely bad romantic comedy that’s difficult to accurately summarize because it’s... basically every rom-com trope that exists?  Like, these two characters are telling the story of how they fell in love to this other couple, and they explain that she worked in a cute little shop while he was part of the corporation shutting her down, and then they meet while they were in the same outfit for a party, and then he has a girlfriend who just cheated on him and she has a deadbeat ex and a son the love interest must impress, and then she’s with someone else but she tells him (the love interest) what she would do if she ever ran away from her wedding, and it just goes on and on in this way.  And the dialogue is very stilted because they’re kind of purposefully saying stuff like, “Hello, I’m your friend who gives you pep talk that’s full of character exposition.” 

Anyway, I absolutely understood what the movie was trying to do, and it could have worked but it just really, really didn’t. 

4. What are some fandom/fic things that irrationally annoy you?

In fandom, it’s the general black and white thinking that is very common in some areas of it.  Too many people seem to have lost touch with the idea that you can like a story or a character that is (dare I say the word?) Problematic without like... losing your grip on morality?  It’s crazy.

In fic, there will be plot tropes/fanon concepts that I’ll get tired of, but I’m not that bothered about it.  Like I said, I usually stop reading things I don’t enjoy. 

5. Write a summary for the fic you want to write but never will.

I don’t think there’s a fic I want to write but never will.  I mainly just prioritize when the stars are not right for the tribute.  I mean, if I summarized one of my more long shot fics right now, I would be working on it by the weekend. 

6. Someone writes a story that perfectly hits all your buttons. That story includes: _____, ______, and _________.

Pining, smut, some angst but with a tooth-rottingly happy ending.  I am simple soul. 

7. I’m stealing @colinfilth’s question once asked on twitter bc it was SO GOOD: what is the fic one would write that clued your readers in that your identity had been stolen?

A fic with no happy ending?  (I do actually have this one spite-fic that would have an unhappy ending, but I only work on it when I’m in a terrible mood and I’ll probably never finish, let alone publish, it)

8. Most embarrassing celebrity crush, past or present?

Around when Pirates of the Caribbean was new my friend got obsessed with Johnny Depp and kind of dragged me in with her, but I would never have called it a crush.  Still, I did see a ton of his movies and the whole thing just hasn’t aged well, both because he’s clearly not a great person and because he genuinely hasn’t given an original performance since those days.     

9. How much research will you do for a fic? Wing it? Get lost in a wikipedia hole? Read actual books on a topic? Google translate? Get consulting with native speakers?

I mostly wing it.  Sometimes I’ll look up something here or there, but that’s about it.

10. The one thing the creator of your current fandom could do to kill your fandom love.

If Eggsy ends up in a relationship at the end of the movie I will most likely contribute less to the Kingsman fandom.  I like a lot of ships, so I may still be into it (I particularly like the look of Whisky, and I’m sure I’ll find someone to ship him with), but Hartwin is my main love and I almost never handwave canon relationships for fanfic.  I’ve done it like... once?  I don’t know why a marriage/engagement is harder for me to ignore than a death, but it definitely is.  It would depend on how this hypothetical romance was handled, obviously- they might give a really strong amicable breakup vibe, or I might genuinely love them together and write a ton of OT3 fics- but in general the lack of romantic subplot was one of the things that drew me to Kingsman, so it would bother me if that changed.   

Also, if I just generally don’t like it that would kill my fandom love too.  S3 of The Musketeers definitely had that effect on me.  Sometimes the canon just goes in a direction that drops everything you love and jumps into everything you don’t.  It doesn’t seem like that will happen, but... Who knows, right?

ETA: Ooops, forgot that 11th one. (I’ve had a lot of gin). Um. What are the songs that absolutely fit your faves to a T?

I actually made a Hartwin fanmix a while ago, if anyone wants to check it out.  The Grace by Neverending White Lights in particular is a favorite Hartwin song IMO. 

I just did this so I’m not tagging anyone new, but check out my questions here if you’re interested!

[thecollegefootballguy]

Rivalry Reanimated: Texas A&M-TCU

Here’s an underrated rivalry game that I want to shine a spotlight on for a bit. It certainly wasn’t a crucial game in the SWC for most of its history. Though it certainly was a big deal in the 1920′s and 1930′s when Texas A&M and TCU were winning national championships. Where do you think the phrase “Gig ‘Em” came from? You gig frogs. I want to talk about A&M-TCU because we were robbed of some of the best years of this series. The Aggies famously have a 24 game winning streak against the Horned Frogs that is still ongoing, but we know that never would have been the case had this rivalry continued. A&M was probably the most solid team in the state of Texas in the 1990′s and has continued to be a consistently good presence in the 2000′s. Meanwhile, TCU finally kicked their losing habits that mired them for most of the second half of the 20th Century with the hire of Dennis Franchione. But it Gary Patterson, Franchione’s replacement, who really turned the Horned Frogs into a powerhouse. Had these two teams kept playing after the breakup of the Southwest Conference we’d have had some really good Texas football on our hands. Then there’s the added wrinkle of TCU effectively replacing the Aggies in the Big 12. Could you imagine what that game would have looked like in 2013 or 2014? It didn’t happen, and it’s a real shame. At the time of cancellation, Texas A&M led the all-time series 55-29-7.

I’ll be imagining that these two teams indeed bit the bullet and kept playing an annual rivalry game just to see what would have gone down. I’ve been using this article on the Florida-Miami rivalry as a template. If you’re interested check out the other games I’ve talked about. 

-

How do we go about the hypothetical preservation of this rivalry? When Texas A&M left the SWC to go form the Big 12 the Horned Frogs fell all the way down to the WAC, though at that time the WAC still had a pretty good reputation for a mid-major conference. Still, it’s hard to imagine that A&M would have wanted to play a home and home series. Well, not totally. The Aggies were used to playing away games in small stadiums in non-conference play at that point. Going back to their days in the SWC, Texas A&M often played generous home and home series. In 1996, the year they Big 12 began, A&M played an away game at Southwest Louisiana (Louisiana-Lafayette). Let’s say they instead chose to play a home and home with TCU, maybe a four or six game series, then when the Horned Frogs started getting good the Aggies saw the benefit of playing a strong, regional opponent outside of the conference and kept the series. Games in even years will be played in College Station and on odd years they will be played in Fort Worth. I won’t assume that the game would stay in its traditional slot in the week preceding the Lone Star Showdown, the game will instead move to September, probably the third or fourth week of the season.

1996: TCU at Texas A&M

It’s the year after the SWC fell apart and emotions are running high between the teams. TCU probably felt a bit more spurned than the rest of the former conference-mates who were left behind, as apparently the last spot went to Baylor instead of them. No matter what, it’s tough imagining that they win this game. Texas A&M wasn’t that great, the Aggies endured their first .500 season under R.C. Slocum, but the Horned Frogs were worse. TCU went 4-7 in a watered down WAC. Neither team played well in September, but there’s no way A&M’s win streak goes down to a Horned Frog team this bad.

Prediction: Texas A&M 37-TCU 10 Series Record: Texas A&M 56-29-7

1997: Texas A&M at TCU

I’m sure Texas A&M would have had a lot of fun with this one. The Aggies were back on track, winning the Big 12 South for the first time, though they had the misfortune of playing Tom Osborne’s last Nebraska team in the Championship Game. TCU, meanwhile, was at their absolute nadir. The Horned Frogs were positively atrocious, they lost their first ten games before beating SMU by three in the last game of the season. TCU would have been completely annihilated, with the game serving basically as a victory lap for A&M’s complete dominance in the series and their position high above the Frogs in the Big 12.

Prediction: Texas A&M 59-TCU 12 Series Record: Texas A&M 57-29-7

1998: TCU at Texas A&M

Needless to say, Pat Sullivan was out at Fort Worth. In came Dennis Franchione, who quickly turned the 1-10 sad sacks of 1997 around to a competent football program. TCU went 7-5 with a victory over USC in the Sun Bowl, now that’s a year one that inspires some optimism! Still, they were miles behind A&M. The Aggies cruised through the season, winning the Big 12 South for the second (and last) time. Texas A&M beat undefeated Kansas State in the Championship Game to claim their only Big 12 title, they ended up losing to Ohio State in the Sugar Bowl.

Prediction: Texas A&M 29-TCU 14 Series Record: Texas A&M 58-29-7

1999: Texas A&M at TCU

Though Texas A&M would never again win ten games under R.C. Slocum, they remained a solid team, averaging 8 wins a season but rarely eclipsing that mark. TCU also went 8-4 in 1999, and won the WAC alongside Hawaii and Fresno State, a huge improvement from only two years ago. However, 8-4 in the WAC isn’t 8-4 in the Big 12, especially not a Big 12 that now boasted Mack Brown and Bob Stoops (and Frank Solich for what it’s worth).

Prediction: Texas A&M 31-TCU 20 Series Record: Texas A&M 59-29-7

2000: TCU at Texas A&M

Now this would have been a good game, probably the most competitive between these teams in literally decades. TCU had their best year under Dennis Franchione, who parlayed his 10-1 regular season into a gig at Alabama. The Horned Frogs took advantage of their improvement as well, and began their climb from purgatory, leaving the WAC and joining the more geographically friendly Conference USA for the 2001 season. Texas A&M was a modest 7-5 but in real quality they were probably near the Horned Frogs’ level. TCU might have been slightly better at the beginning of the season, but A&M had home field advantage and what would have been a 27 game winning streak hanging over the Frogs like a shroud. I have the feeling that Franchione wouldn’t be able to break the streak. That is...until he’s Texas A&M’s coach.

Prediction: Texas A&M 27-TCU 24 Series Record: Texas A&M 60-29-7

2001: Texas A&M at TCU

The only post-SWC game these teams ever played was in the 2001 Galleryfurniture.com Bowl. Yeah, bowls have had dumb names for longer than you might have thought. A&M trucked the Horned Frogs, who were still finding their identity in Gary Patterson’s first season. The score would have been different as an early season matchup in Fort Worth, but the outcome would have been the same.

Prediction: Texas A&M 24-TCU 14 Series Record: Texas A&M 61-29-7

2002: TCU at Texas A&M

R.C. Slocum’s last Texas A&M team was also perhaps his worst. The Aggies went 6-6, failing to net a bowl bid. Despite all the success he had at College Station in the 90′s, Slocum was fired. Meanwhile, TCU was beginning to thrive under Gary Patterson. The Horned Frogs had a 10-2 record although it came against a weak Conference USA schedule. Had the teams actually played it would have been a fairly even affair. Computers consider the two rather evenly matched despite the vast difference in record. At Kyle Field, A&M probably could have eked out a win.

Prediction: Texas A&M 20-TCU 17 Series Record: Texas A&M 62-29-7

2003: Texas A&M at TCU

The tide had slowly been turning in this rivalry for some time, and in 2003 it finally breaks. Dennis Franchione’s first season at A&M was a dismal 4-8 campaign. The Aggies would not have survived their trip to Fort Worth this time. TCU turned in an 11-1 regular season and lost by three to fellow up and comer Boise State in the Fort Worth Bowl. They weren’t a powerhouse just yet, but they were turning into one. The Horned Frogs finally end the accursed streak at 30 games. Coincidentally it’s TCU’s 30th all time win in the series.

Prediction: TCU 27-Texas A&M 16 Series Record: Texas A&M 62-30-7

2004: TCU at Texas A&M

TCU had a down year in 2004. The Horned Frogs fell to 5-6 and would certainly have lost to the competent Aggies. A&M started the year 6-1 before falling to 7-5. In September they’d have won easily.

Prediction: Texas A&M 42-TCU 32 Series Record: Texas A&M 63-30-7

2005: Texas A&M at TCU

Texas A&M fell back to 5-6 and would have had a lot of trouble facing TCU. The Horned Frogs won the Mountain West in their first season, blowing through the conference on their way to a 11-1 finish. For what it’s worth, A&M played some of their best football early in the season while the Horned Frogs struggled to find their offense until October. I think there’s a good chance that the Aggies play this one very close, but with home field advantage I think TCU pulls through.

Prediction: TCU 34-Texas A&M 30 Series Record: Texas A&M 63-31-7

2006: TCU at Texas A&M

Now this would have been a great game. A&M had their best season under Franchione, going 9-4 with a win over Texas to deny the Longhorns the South Division. TCU went 11-2 losing to BYU and Utah but easing through the rest of their schedule (which included Baylor and Texas Tech). TCU still hadn’t won at College Station since 1972, but this might be their best chance. They were slightly better than A&M per computers but not by a significant margin. Since the Aggies are at home I think that they get a slight advantage, but not a significant one. I’ll flip a coin to decide this one, it’s tails for a TCU victory, their first back to back win in the series since they won four from 1969-72.

Prediction: TCU 31-Texas A&M 30 Series Record: Texas A&M 63-32-7

2007: Texas A&M at TCU

Both A&M and TCU took a step back in 2007. The Aggies seemed to start alright but they couldn’t handle their conference schedule. Dennis Franchione, embattled by controversy all season, resigned immediately after beating Texas for the second year in a row. TCU was a perfectly mediocre 8-5. I think the Aggies were slightly better, they certainly played a tougher schedule, but the Horned Frogs were at home so I’m going to say that the game is within the coin toss margin. Tails, TCU wins again.

Prediction: TCU 20-Texas A&M 17 Series Record: Texas A&M 63-33-7

2008: TCU at Texas A&M

TCU’s first year as a top ten team. The Horned Frogs went 11-2, losing only to top five teams Oklahoma and Utah and beating #9 Boise State in the Poinsettia Bowl. A&M had a very inauspicious 4-8 campaign in Mike Sherman’s first season. They’d have been run off their own field.

Prediction: TCU 44-Texas A&M 23 Series Record: Texas A&M 63-34-7

2009: Texas A&M at TCU

A&M improved to 6-7 in Sherman’s second season but they would have been no match for TCU. The Horned Frogs went a perfect 12-0 in the regular season, they lost to fellow unbeaten BCS Buster Boise State in the Fiesta Bowl. Texas Christian romps.

Prediction: TCU 52-Texas A&M 24 Series Record: Texas A&M 63-35-7

2010: TCU at Texas A&M

Gary Patterson’s masterpiece at Fort Worth. TCU went a perfect 13-0, never falling out of the top five in the AP Poll after week 1 and beating Wisconsin in the Granddaddy of ‘Em All. This was also Mike Sherman’s best A&M team. The Aggies went 9-4 in a strong Big 12, including a win over conference champion Oklahoma. Unfortunately for A&M, they get to play what might have been the best TCU team ever, not even home field advantage would have saved them.

Prediction: TCU 47-Texas A&M 19 Series Record: Texas A&M 63-36-7

2011: Texas A&M at TCU

If you’ve been paying attention you’ll see that after enduring such a long losing streak that TCU had been putting together a small win streak of their own, it currently stands at six games but it won’t last. Despite their eventual 7-6 record, this was a very good Texas A&M squad. The Aggies actually place higher in Sagarin than the 11-2 Horned Frogs. In addition, TCU played their shakiest ball early in the year when they lost to Baylor and SMU teams that A&M beat easily. I think with all of these factors that the Aggies will end the TCU’s temporary dominance over them.

Prediction: Texas A&M 33-TCU 30 Series Record: Texas A&M 64-36-7

2012: TCU at Texas A&M

A lot can change in a year. In 2012 Texas A&M played their first season in the SEC and TCU made their improbable debut in the Big 12. They’d have entered this game as major conference equals for the first time since 1995. In addition, I bet A&M would have loved to hypothetically keep playing this game to stick it to Texas, Tech, and Baylor. As a cherry on top, A&M had an amazing season. The Aggies started strong but caught fire midseason to become arguably the best team in the nation by the end of the year, culminating in a huge blowout of Oklahoma in the Cotton Bowl. Unfortunately for TCU, the Horned Frogs were coming down from their own high flying status just when they joined the big time. Their perfectly average 7-6 campaign would have been turned into a 6-7 effort had they played Texas A&M.

Prediction: Texas A&M 36-TCU 17 Series Record: Texas A&M 65-36-7

2013: Texas A&M at TCU

Texas A&M remained a big offensive juggernaut in Kevin Sumlin’s second season. The defense didn’t hold up as often, but the Aggies were a very good 9-4. Meanwhile, TCU was mired in a miserable 4-8 campaign. They actually weren’t that bad, but they couldn’t hide behind a Mountain West schedule anymore. Being a mediocre team in a strong Big 12 is much different than being mediocre as a mid-major. The Horned Frogs would have fallen, but the game would have been contested for a while.

Prediction: Texas A&M 39-TCU 20 Series Record: Texas A&M 66-36-7

2014: TCU at Texas A&M

My how things change. TCU turned from a pumpkin to a powerhouse in 2014. The Horned Frogs went 12-1, with a tough loss at fellow top ten Baylor the only thing preventing them from attending the inaugural College Football Playoff. A&M remained a top 25 caliber team but they struggled to win games in the dense SEC West, dropping their win total down to eight. It would’ve been a well fought game, but TCU should have won.

Prediction: TCU 48-Texas A&M 32 Series Record: Texas A&M 66-37-7

2015: Texas A&M at TCU

Another 8-5 season at College Station and another top ten effort in Fort Worth. TCU overpowers A&M for the second year in a row.

Prediction: TCU 54-Texas A&M 34 Series Record: Texas A&M 66-38-7

2016: TCU at Texas A&M

TCU couldn’t sustain their high level of production and fell to 6-7 on the year. The Horned Frogs wouldn’t have been able to keep up with A&M, who were nothing if not a consistent 8-5.

Prediction: Texas A&M 38-TCU 30 Series Record: Texas A&M 67-38-7

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See this would have been a very fun game to continue. I could see it resuming much more quickly than A&M playing the rest of the old Big 12 schools in Texas. I don’t think the hard feelings are as present between the two because TCU wasn’t actually betrayed by A&M’s exit, in fact they benefited quite directly.

No matter what, it’s a shame that these teams have never wanted to play each other since 1995. They’re probably the safest bets to be the two best teams in Texas for the next few years at least. College football has lost a lot due to conference realignment, but the destruction of the historical Texas rivalries remains one of the biggest tragedies. Sure, A&M-TCU was small time compared to others, but even it would have been a fantastic yearly series. It just goes to show how much we’ve lost.

[neilmillerne]

{#TransparentTuesday} Emotional labor.

I recently spent a few hours with a dear friend who was in town, and we got onto the topic of relationships.

My friend never ceases to astonish me with his wisdom and thoughtfulness, and I found myself understanding a big topic with absolute clarity for the first time.

At one point, I actually wanted to stop and take notes.

The topic was something I have both experienced personally, and in my coaching practice, about the growing pains in a relationship when you shift from assessing your partner simply as a human (amazing! sexy! perfect!) to assessing them as your future life partner (too messy! workaholic! their family is bad shit crazy!).

Here’s the gist of my friend’s message:

In the beginning of a relationship, it’s easy to be accommodating and accepting. While wearing your lust-and-optimism new-relationship goggles, you can see your partner’s behaviors in a very flattering and forgiving light. Sure, you might hear a little voice telling you that this particular behavior wouldn’t work for you in the long term, but you don’t say anything, because it’s not a big deal right now.

But then later on, when those new-relationship goggles come off, and you’re planning a future together, you might suddenly realize that there’s a ton of shit you wish was different, but your partner doesn’t know this. So you start telling them– hey this doesn’t work for me. Hey, that needs to change. Hey, I need you to do this differently.

Your partner is shocked, and offended. Things were good enough before, after all. What changed? The relationship has been fine and easy, and they don’t *want* to do all that work now.

Does any of this resonate for you?

It sure as fuck did for me.

I was struck too by the understanding that women need to learn how to assert their needs and desires right from the beginning of a relationship. While this could apply to any gender, and any type of relationship, this seems to me to be most salient among women who are in relationships with men.

In general, given the programming we learn as girls and women (to be happy, nice, polite, pretty, small, and giving) it makes sense that so many women enter new relationships with men with the goal of making themselves “easy to love.”

Typically this means not asking for much from our partners, accepting them however they show up, and just being grateful to be chosen.

In the early days, we typically try really hard to play it cool, and be laidback and casual, in order to not scare our partners off. We hide our emotional ups and downs, we hide how messy and needy we are, we hide what we really want, and we try to just be grateful that we “found a good one.”

Worse still, many women pride themselves on being “different than other girls,” meaning we demand even less from our partners, we express even fewer needs, we hide even more of our feelings… and we’re proud of it.

The problem is that “making things easy” on your partner in the beginning is a sure-fire way to end up unhappy.

Our male partners get used to relationships being suuuppper easy and undemanding, and after a while he may be perfectly content with how things are, while we have a list a mile long of our unmet needs.

Many men might try to convince you that the problem is you– that you’re too demanding, or too needy, or you’re overreacting, or you just “need to relax.”

Other men would be devastated, and unable to handle hearing all the ways they’re making you unhappy without feeling like you were attacking their personal character.

But this isn’t about you, and you don’t need to “relax.” It’s not even about him, or his personal failings.

Trust me, this is much bigger than that.

This is about the roles we are taught to play in heteronormative relationships, and who those roles benefit (hint: it’s not women).

Can you imagine if, overnight, every single woman agreed to be 100% honest and upfront about her expectations, desires, and demands in her relationship from now on?

At first, I suspect there would be a lot of breakups.

Most men would be like UMMMM THIS IS ANNOYING, I’VE NEVER HAD TO WORK THIS HARD AND I DON’T LIKE IT.

That’s because most women would demand more emotional labor, more emotional intelligence, more foreplay and sensual sex, and more of the other stuff we have all taught men they don’t need to do, in order to come off as easy and laidback and likeable.

���It’s true what they say about women: Women are insatiable. We are greedy. Our appetites do need to be controlled if things are to stay in place. If the world were ours too, if we believed we could get away with it, we would ask for more love, more sex, more money, more commitment to children, more food, more care. These sexual, emotional, and physical demands would begin to extend to social demands: payment for care of the elderly, parental leave, childcare, etc. The force of female desire would be so great that society would truly have to reckon with what women want, in bed and in the world.”

-Naomi Wolf, The Beauty Myth

Here’s the thing though.

If every single woman agreed to be upfront about her desires and demands, then after all those early breakups occurred with the men going off in search of “easier” relationships, they would all eventually discover that there was no such thing.

Can you imagine if we all held men accountable for recognizing and dismantling their own privilege, for examining and healing their own traumas, gender role expectations, and personal narratives? If we held them accountable for recognizing and communicating what they were feeling, and for showing up to do exactly half of the emotional labor in every relationship?

Most relationships would look shockingly different, and this hypothetical change would likely feel terribly unfair to men at first.

After all, for thousands and thousands of years, we have taught them that it’s totally ok for them not to do any of that, that they get a free pass because it’s “not in their nature.” (False.)

We have taught them that we women will take responsibility for most (if not all) of the emotional labor so that he can have a good life with lots of connections. We’ll remind him to call his mother on her birthday, bring up problems in our relationships that he “didn’t know how to talk about,” and keeps lists and schedules in our heads about everything that needs to be done to run a household and maintain strong connections to our friends, family, and communities.

It’s no wonder marriage disproportionately benefits men.

We’ve taught men that they don’t need to work hard to learn these skills, they don’t need to really listen to us or take our needs (or feelings) seriously, and they don’t have to change or better themselves.

We’ve even taught men that we’ll agree with them about how difficult/crazy/emotional/needy we’re being… and apologize for it.

So what do we do?

Well for a start,

what if we stopped praising men for doing tiny fractions of the emotional labor in their relationships?

What if we stopped thanking men for tolerating or “handling” our emotions?

What if we stopped applauding every time a man is an active father, does chores at home, talks about his feelings, or sacrifices career success for his family, the way women have been doing for centuries?

What if we demanded that all this (and more) became a baseline of expectation, rather than a reason to celebrate?

This might sounds crazy (and you might be freaking out imagining being even more difficult or demanding in your relationship) but the point is that eventually there would be a shift.

With an “easy relationship” taken off the table, the only option for men would be to step up and learn how to navigate the “difficult” part of a relationship.

Perhaps you’re sitting there thinking “but men just aren’t good at that stuff!”

I hear this excuse a lot, that men and women are just born with different strengths. The same argument has, until very recently, been used to justify men cheating, raping, and sexually assaulting women.

This same line of thinking has also been used to oppress women by saying that we are the more naturally virtuous and chaste gender. (Again giving men a free pass to be sexual and misbehave, while leaving the work of getting everyone to be “good” to whom? Women.)

I don’t buy this.

Yes, men and women are different, but a lot of this stuff is the result of social conditioning, gender role expectations, and unexamined privilege. Rather than lacking some biological gift, all men are lacking is practice and motivation.

(Wow this email really turned into a rant.)

In summary:

We must not allow our male partners to get away with having “easy” relationships, for fear of chasing them away. We must find ways to challenge these deeply ingrained gender roles around emotional labor, and loudly voice our expectations, desires, and needs from day one.

I don’t want an “easy” relationship, and I don’t want to live in a world where we are teaching men that an easy relationship is even an option.

We all deserve better than that, my sweet sisters.

If we all start demanding more, the men will eventually catch up.

<3

Jessi

The post {#TransparentTuesday} Emotional labor. appeared first on Jessi Kneeland.

http://ift.tt/2ibHaJE

[joshuabradleyn]

{#TransparentTuesday} Emotional labor.

I recently spent a few hours with a dear friend who was in town, and we got onto the topic of relationships.

My friend never ceases to astonish me with his wisdom and thoughtfulness, and I found myself understanding a big topic with absolute clarity for the first time.

At one point, I actually wanted to stop and take notes.

The topic was something I have both experienced personally, and in my coaching practice, about the growing pains in a relationship when you shift from assessing your partner simply as a human (amazing! sexy! perfect!) to assessing them as your future life partner (too messy! workaholic! their family is bad shit crazy!).

Here’s the gist of my friend’s message:

In the beginning of a relationship, it’s easy to be accommodating and accepting. While wearing your lust-and-optimism new-relationship goggles, you can see your partner’s behaviors in a very flattering and forgiving light. Sure, you might hear a little voice telling you that this particular behavior wouldn’t work for you in the long term, but you don’t say anything, because it’s not a big deal right now.

But then later on, when those new-relationship goggles come off, and you’re planning a future together, you might suddenly realize that there’s a ton of shit you wish was different, but your partner doesn’t know this. So you start telling them– hey this doesn’t work for me. Hey, that needs to change. Hey, I need you to do this differently.

Your partner is shocked, and offended. Things were good enough before, after all. What changed? The relationship has been fine and easy, and they don’t *want* to do all that work now.

Does any of this resonate for you?

It sure as fuck did for me.

I was struck too by the understanding that women need to learn how to assert their needs and desires right from the beginning of a relationship. While this could apply to any gender, and any type of relationship, this seems to me to be most salient among women who are in relationships with men.

In general, given the programming we learn as girls and women (to be happy, nice, polite, pretty, small, and giving) it makes sense that so many women enter new relationships with men with the goal of making themselves “easy to love.”

Typically this means not asking for much from our partners, accepting them however they show up, and just being grateful to be chosen.

In the early days, we typically try really hard to play it cool, and be laidback and casual, in order to not scare our partners off. We hide our emotional ups and downs, we hide how messy and needy we are, we hide what we really want, and we try to just be grateful that we “found a good one.”

Worse still, many women pride themselves on being “different than other girls,” meaning we demand even less from our partners, we express even fewer needs, we hide even more of our feelings… and we’re proud of it.

The problem is that “making things easy” on your partner in the beginning is a sure-fire way to end up unhappy.

Our male partners get used to relationships being suuuppper easy and undemanding, and after a while he may be perfectly content with how things are, while we have a list a mile long of our unmet needs.

Many men might try to convince you that the problem is you– that you’re too demanding, or too needy, or you’re overreacting, or you just “need to relax.”

Other men would be devastated, and unable to handle hearing all the ways they’re making you unhappy without feeling like you were attacking their personal character.

But this isn’t about you, and you don’t need to “relax.” It’s not even about him, or his personal failings.

Trust me, this is much bigger than that.

This is about the roles we are taught to play in heteronormative relationships, and who those roles benefit (hint: it’s not women).

Can you imagine if, overnight, every single woman agreed to be 100% honest and upfront about her expectations, desires, and demands in her relationship from now on?

At first, I suspect there would be a lot of breakups.

Most men would be like UMMMM THIS IS ANNOYING, I’VE NEVER HAD TO WORK THIS HARD AND I DON’T LIKE IT.

That’s because most women would demand more emotional labor, more emotional intelligence, more foreplay and sensual sex, and more of the other stuff we have all taught men they don’t need to do, in order to come off as easy and laidback and likeable.

“It’s true what they say about women: Women are insatiable. We are greedy. Our appetites do need to be controlled if things are to stay in place. If the world were ours too, if we believed we could get away with it, we would ask for more love, more sex, more money, more commitment to children, more food, more care. These sexual, emotional, and physical demands would begin to extend to social demands: payment for care of the elderly, parental leave, childcare, etc. The force of female desire would be so great that society would truly have to reckon with what women want, in bed and in the world.”

-Naomi Wolf, The Beauty Myth

Here’s the thing though.

If every single woman agreed to be upfront about her desires and demands, then after all those early breakups occurred with the men going off in search of “easier” relationships, they would all eventually discover that there was no such thing.

Can you imagine if we all held men accountable for recognizing and dismantling their own privilege, for examining and healing their own traumas, gender role expectations, and personal narratives? If we held them accountable for recognizing and communicating what they were feeling, and for showing up to do exactly half of the emotional labor in every relationship?

Most relationships would look shockingly different, and this hypothetical change would likely feel terribly unfair to men at first.

After all, for thousands and thousands of years, we have taught them that it’s totally ok for them not to do any of that, that they get a free pass because it’s “not in their nature.” (False.)

We have taught them that we women will take responsibility for most (if not all) of the emotional labor so that he can have a good life with lots of connections. We’ll remind him to call his mother on her birthday, bring up problems in our relationships that he “didn’t know how to talk about,” and keeps lists and schedules in our heads about everything that needs to be done to run a household and maintain strong connections to our friends, family, and communities.

It’s no wonder marriage disproportionately benefits men.

We’ve taught men that they don’t need to work hard to learn these skills, they don’t need to really listen to us or take our needs (or feelings) seriously, and they don’t have to change or better themselves.

We’ve even taught men that we’ll agree with them about how difficult/crazy/emotional/needy we’re being… and apologize for it.

So what do we do?

Well for a start,

what if we stopped praising men for doing tiny fractions of the emotional labor in their relationships?

What if we stopped thanking men for tolerating or “handling” our emotions?

What if we stopped applauding every time a man is an active father, does chores at home, talks about his feelings, or sacrifices career success for his family, the way women have been doing for centuries?

What if we demanded that all this (and more) became a baseline of expectation, rather than a reason to celebrate?

This might sounds crazy (and you might be freaking out imagining being even more difficult or demanding in your relationship) but the point is that eventually there would be a shift.

With an “easy relationship” taken off the table, the only option for men would be to step up and learn how to navigate the “difficult” part of a relationship.

Perhaps you’re sitting there thinking “but men just aren’t good at that stuff!”

I hear this excuse a lot, that men and women are just born with different strengths. The same argument has, until very recently, been used to justify men cheating, raping, and sexually assaulting women.

This same line of thinking has also been used to oppress women by saying that we are the more naturally virtuous and chaste gender. (Again giving men a free pass to be sexual and misbehave, while leaving the work of getting everyone to be “good” to whom? Women.)

I don’t buy this.

Yes, men and women are different, but a lot of this stuff is the result of social conditioning, gender role expectations, and unexamined privilege. Rather than lacking some biological gift, all men are lacking is practice and motivation.

(Wow this email really turned into a rant.)

In summary:

We must not allow our male partners to get away with having “easy” relationships, for fear of chasing them away. We must find ways to challenge these deeply ingrained gender roles around emotional labor, and loudly voice our expectations, desires, and needs from day one.

I don’t want an “easy” relationship, and I don’t want to live in a world where we are teaching men that an easy relationship is even an option.

We all deserve better than that, my sweet sisters.

If we all start demanding more, the men will eventually catch up.

<3

Jessi

The post {#TransparentTuesday} Emotional labor. appeared first on Jessi Kneeland.

http://ift.tt/2ibHaJE

[ruthellisneda]

{#TransparentTuesday} Emotional labor.

I recently spent a few hours with a dear friend who was in town, and we got onto the topic of relationships.

My friend never ceases to astonish me with his wisdom and thoughtfulness, and I found myself understanding a big topic with absolute clarity for the first time.

At one point, I actually wanted to stop and take notes.

The topic was something I have both experienced personally, and in my coaching practice, about the growing pains in a relationship when you shift from assessing your partner simply as a human (amazing! sexy! perfect!) to assessing them as your future life partner (too messy! workaholic! their family is bad shit crazy!).

Here’s the gist of my friend’s message:

In the beginning of a relationship, it’s easy to be accommodating and accepting. While wearing your lust-and-optimism new-relationship goggles, you can see your partner’s behaviors in a very flattering and forgiving light. Sure, you might hear a little voice telling you that this particular behavior wouldn’t work for you in the long term, but you don’t say anything, because it’s not a big deal right now.

But then later on, when those new-relationship goggles come off, and you’re planning a future together, you might suddenly realize that there’s a ton of shit you wish was different, but your partner doesn’t know this. So you start telling them– hey this doesn’t work for me. Hey, that needs to change. Hey, I need you to do this differently.

Your partner is shocked, and offended. Things were good enough before, after all. What changed? The relationship has been fine and easy, and they don’t *want* to do all that work now.

Does any of this resonate for you?

It sure as fuck did for me.

I was struck too by the understanding that women need to learn how to assert their needs and desires right from the beginning of a relationship. While this could apply to any gender, and any type of relationship, this seems to me to be most salient among women who are in relationships with men.

In general, given the programming we learn as girls and women (to be happy, nice, polite, pretty, small, and giving) it makes sense that so many women enter new relationships with men with the goal of making themselves “easy to love.”

Typically this means not asking for much from our partners, accepting them however they show up, and just being grateful to be chosen.

In the early days, we typically try really hard to play it cool, and be laidback and casual, in order to not scare our partners off. We hide our emotional ups and downs, we hide how messy and needy we are, we hide what we really want, and we try to just be grateful that we “found a good one.”

Worse still, many women pride themselves on being “different than other girls,” meaning we demand even less from our partners, we express even fewer needs, we hide even more of our feelings… and we’re proud of it.

The problem is that “making things easy” on your partner in the beginning is a sure-fire way to end up unhappy.

Our male partners get used to relationships being suuuppper easy and undemanding, and after a while he may be perfectly content with how things are, while we have a list a mile long of our unmet needs.

Many men might try to convince you that the problem is you– that you’re too demanding, or too needy, or you’re overreacting, or you just “need to relax.”

Other men would be devastated, and unable to handle hearing all the ways they’re making you unhappy without feeling like you were attacking their personal character.

But this isn’t about you, and you don’t need to “relax.” It’s not even about him, or his personal failings.

Trust me, this is much bigger than that.

This is about the roles we are taught to play in heteronormative relationships, and who those roles benefit (hint: it’s not women).

Can you imagine if, overnight, every single woman agreed to be 100% honest and upfront about her expectations, desires, and demands in her relationship from now on?

At first, I suspect there would be a lot of breakups.

Most men would be like UMMMM THIS IS ANNOYING, I’VE NEVER HAD TO WORK THIS HARD AND I DON’T LIKE IT.

That’s because most women would demand more emotional labor, more emotional intelligence, more foreplay and sensual sex, and more of the other stuff we have all taught men they don’t need to do, in order to come off as easy and laidback and likeable.

“It’s true what they say about women: Women are insatiable. We are greedy. Our appetites do need to be controlled if things are to stay in place. If the world were ours too, if we believed we could get away with it, we would ask for more love, more sex, more money, more commitment to children, more food, more care. These sexual, emotional, and physical demands would begin to extend to social demands: payment for care of the elderly, parental leave, childcare, etc. The force of female desire would be so great that society would truly have to reckon with what women want, in bed and in the world.”

-Naomi Wolf, The Beauty Myth

Here’s the thing though.

If every single woman agreed to be upfront about her desires and demands, then after all those early breakups occurred with the men going off in search of “easier” relationships, they would all eventually discover that there was no such thing.

Can you imagine if we all held men accountable for recognizing and dismantling their own privilege, for examining and healing their own traumas, gender role expectations, and personal narratives? If we held them accountable for recognizing and communicating what they were feeling, and for showing up to do exactly half of the emotional labor in every relationship?

Most relationships would look shockingly different, and this hypothetical change would likely feel terribly unfair to men at first.

After all, for thousands and thousands of years, we have taught them that it’s totally ok for them not to do any of that, that they get a free pass because it’s “not in their nature.” (False.)

We have taught them that we women will take responsibility for most (if not all) of the emotional labor so that he can have a good life with lots of connections. We’ll remind him to call his mother on her birthday, bring up problems in our relationships that he “didn’t know how to talk about,” and keeps lists and schedules in our heads about everything that needs to be done to run a household and maintain strong connections to our friends, family, and communities.

It’s no wonder marriage disproportionately benefits men.

We’ve taught men that they don’t need to work hard to learn these skills, they don’t need to really listen to us or take our needs (or feelings) seriously, and they don’t have to change or better themselves.

We’ve even taught men that we’ll agree with them about how difficult/crazy/emotional/needy we’re being… and apologize for it.

So what do we do?

Well for a start,

what if we stopped praising men for doing tiny fractions of the emotional labor in their relationships?

What if we stopped thanking men for tolerating or “handling” our emotions?

What if we stopped applauding every time a man is an active father, does chores at home, talks about his feelings, or sacrifices career success for his family, the way women have been doing for centuries?

What if we demanded that all this (and more) became a baseline of expectation, rather than a reason to celebrate?

This might sounds crazy (and you might be freaking out imagining being even more difficult or demanding in your relationship) but the point is that eventually there would be a shift.

With an “easy relationship” taken off the table, the only option for men would be to step up and learn how to navigate the “difficult” part of a relationship.

Perhaps you’re sitting there thinking “but men just aren’t good at that stuff!”

I hear this excuse a lot, that men and women are just born with different strengths. The same argument has, until very recently, been used to justify men cheating, raping, and sexually assaulting women.

This same line of thinking has also been used to oppress women by saying that we are the more naturally virtuous and chaste gender. (Again giving men a free pass to be sexual and misbehave, while leaving the work of getting everyone to be “good” to whom? Women.)

I don’t buy this.

Yes, men and women are different, but a lot of this stuff is the result of social conditioning, gender role expectations, and unexamined privilege. Rather than lacking some biological gift, all men are lacking is practice and motivation.

(Wow this email really turned into a rant.)

In summary:

We must not allow our male partners to get away with having “easy” relationships, for fear of chasing them away. We must find ways to challenge these deeply ingrained gender roles around emotional labor, and loudly voice our expectations, desires, and needs from day one.

I don’t want an “easy” relationship, and I don’t want to live in a world where we are teaching men that an easy relationship is even an option.

We all deserve better than that, my sweet sisters.

If we all start demanding more, the men will eventually catch up.

<3

Jessi

The post {#TransparentTuesday} Emotional labor. appeared first on Jessi Kneeland.

http://ift.tt/2ibHaJE

[almajonesnjna]

{#TransparentTuesday} Emotional labor.

I recently spent a few hours with a dear friend who was in town, and we got onto the topic of relationships.

My friend never ceases to astonish me with his wisdom and thoughtfulness, and I found myself understanding a big topic with absolute clarity for the first time.

At one point, I actually wanted to stop and take notes.

The topic was something I have both experienced personally, and in my coaching practice, about the growing pains in a relationship when you shift from assessing your partner simply as a human (amazing! sexy! perfect!) to assessing them as your future life partner (too messy! workaholic! their family is bad shit crazy!).

Here’s the gist of my friend’s message:

In the beginning of a relationship, it’s easy to be accommodating and accepting. While wearing your lust-and-optimism new-relationship goggles, you can see your partner’s behaviors in a very flattering and forgiving light. Sure, you might hear a little voice telling you that this particular behavior wouldn’t work for you in the long term, but you don’t say anything, because it’s not a big deal right now.

But then later on, when those new-relationship goggles come off, and you’re planning a future together, you might suddenly realize that there’s a ton of shit you wish was different, but your partner doesn’t know this. So you start telling them– hey this doesn’t work for me. Hey, that needs to change. Hey, I need you to do this differently.

Your partner is shocked, and offended. Things were good enough before, after all. What changed? The relationship has been fine and easy, and they don’t *want* to do all that work now.

Does any of this resonate for you?

It sure as fuck did for me.

I was struck too by the understanding that women need to learn how to assert their needs and desires right from the beginning of a relationship. While this could apply to any gender, and any type of relationship, this seems to me to be most salient among women who are in relationships with men.

In general, given the programming we learn as girls and women (to be happy, nice, polite, pretty, small, and giving) it makes sense that so many women enter new relationships with men with the goal of making themselves “easy to love.”

Typically this means not asking for much from our partners, accepting them however they show up, and just being grateful to be chosen.

In the early days, we typically try really hard to play it cool, and be laidback and casual, in order to not scare our partners off. We hide our emotional ups and downs, we hide how messy and needy we are, we hide what we really want, and we try to just be grateful that we “found a good one.”

Worse still, many women pride themselves on being “different than other girls,” meaning we demand even less from our partners, we express even fewer needs, we hide even more of our feelings… and we’re proud of it.

The problem is that “making things easy” on your partner in the beginning is a sure-fire way to end up unhappy.

Our male partners get used to relationships being suuuppper easy and undemanding, and after a while he may be perfectly content with how things are, while we have a list a mile long of our unmet needs.

Many men might try to convince you that the problem is you– that you’re too demanding, or too needy, or you’re overreacting, or you just “need to relax.”

Other men would be devastated, and unable to handle hearing all the ways they’re making you unhappy without feeling like you were attacking their personal character.

But this isn’t about you, and you don’t need to “relax.” It’s not even about him, or his personal failings.

Trust me, this is much bigger than that.

This is about the roles we are taught to play in heteronormative relationships, and who those roles benefit (hint: it’s not women).

Can you imagine if, overnight, every single woman agreed to be 100% honest and upfront about her expectations, desires, and demands in her relationship from now on?

At first, I suspect there would be a lot of breakups.

Most men would be like UMMMM THIS IS ANNOYING, I’VE NEVER HAD TO WORK THIS HARD AND I DON’T LIKE IT.

That’s because most women would demand more emotional labor, more emotional intelligence, more foreplay and sensual sex, and more of the other stuff we have all taught men they don’t need to do, in order to come off as easy and laidback and likeable.

“It’s true what they say about women: Women are insatiable. We are greedy. Our appetites do need to be controlled if things are to stay in place. If the world were ours too, if we believed we could get away with it, we would ask for more love, more sex, more money, more commitment to children, more food, more care. These sexual, emotional, and physical demands would begin to extend to social demands: payment for care of the elderly, parental leave, childcare, etc. The force of female desire would be so great that society would truly have to reckon with what women want, in bed and in the world.”

-Naomi Wolf, The Beauty Myth

Here’s the thing though.

If every single woman agreed to be upfront about her desires and demands, then after all those early breakups occurred with the men going off in search of “easier” relationships, they would all eventually discover that there was no such thing.

Can you imagine if we all held men accountable for recognizing and dismantling their own privilege, for examining and healing their own traumas, gender role expectations, and personal narratives? If we held them accountable for recognizing and communicating what they were feeling, and for showing up to do exactly half of the emotional labor in every relationship?

Most relationships would look shockingly different, and this hypothetical change would likely feel terribly unfair to men at first.

After all, for thousands and thousands of years, we have taught them that it’s totally ok for them not to do any of that, that they get a free pass because it’s “not in their nature.” (False.)

We have taught them that we women will take responsibility for most (if not all) of the emotional labor so that he can have a good life with lots of connections. We’ll remind him to call his mother on her birthday, bring up problems in our relationships that he “didn’t know how to talk about,” and keeps lists and schedules in our heads about everything that needs to be done to run a household and maintain strong connections to our friends, family, and communities.

It’s no wonder marriage disproportionately benefits men.

We’ve taught men that they don’t need to work hard to learn these skills, they don’t need to really listen to us or take our needs (or feelings) seriously, and they don’t have to change or better themselves.

We’ve even taught men that we’ll agree with them about how difficult/crazy/emotional/needy we’re being… and apologize for it.

So what do we do?

Well for a start,

what if we stopped praising men for doing tiny fractions of the emotional labor in their relationships?

What if we stopped thanking men for tolerating or “handling” our emotions?

What if we stopped applauding every time a man is an active father, does chores at home, talks about his feelings, or sacrifices career success for his family, the way women have been doing for centuries?

What if we demanded that all this (and more) became a baseline of expectation, rather than a reason to celebrate?

This might sounds crazy (and you might be freaking out imagining being even more difficult or demanding in your relationship) but the point is that eventually there would be a shift.

With an “easy relationship” taken off the table, the only option for men would be to step up and learn how to navigate the “difficult” part of a relationship.

Perhaps you’re sitting there thinking “but men just aren’t good at that stuff!”

I hear this excuse a lot, that men and women are just born with different strengths. The same argument has, until very recently, been used to justify men cheating, raping, and sexually assaulting women.

This same line of thinking has also been used to oppress women by saying that we are the more naturally virtuous and chaste gender. (Again giving men a free pass to be sexual and misbehave, while leaving the work of getting everyone to be “good” to whom? Women.)

I don’t buy this.

Yes, men and women are different, but a lot of this stuff is the result of social conditioning, gender role expectations, and unexamined privilege. Rather than lacking some biological gift, all men are lacking is practice and motivation.

(Wow this email really turned into a rant.)

In summary:

We must not allow our male partners to get away with having “easy” relationships, for fear of chasing them away. We must find ways to challenge these deeply ingrained gender roles around emotional labor, and loudly voice our expectations, desires, and needs from day one.

I don’t want an “easy” relationship, and I don’t want to live in a world where we are teaching men that an easy relationship is even an option.

We all deserve better than that, my sweet sisters.

If we all start demanding more, the men will eventually catch up.

<3

Jessi

The post {#TransparentTuesday} Emotional labor. appeared first on Jessi Kneeland.

http://ift.tt/2ibHaJE

[albertcaldwellne]

{#TransparentTuesday} Emotional labor.

I recently spent a few hours with a dear friend who was in town, and we got onto the topic of relationships.

My friend never ceases to astonish me with his wisdom and thoughtfulness, and I found myself understanding a big topic with absolute clarity for the first time.

At one point, I actually wanted to stop and take notes.

The topic was something I have both experienced personally, and in my coaching practice, about the growing pains in a relationship when you shift from assessing your partner simply as a human (amazing! sexy! perfect!) to assessing them as your future life partner (too messy! workaholic! their family is bad shit crazy!).

Here’s the gist of my friend’s message:

In the beginning of a relationship, it’s easy to be accommodating and accepting. While wearing your lust-and-optimism new-relationship goggles, you can see your partner’s behaviors in a very flattering and forgiving light. Sure, you might hear a little voice telling you that this particular behavior wouldn’t work for you in the long term, but you don’t say anything, because it’s not a big deal right now.

But then later on, when those new-relationship goggles come off, and you’re planning a future together, you might suddenly realize that there’s a ton of shit you wish was different, but your partner doesn’t know this. So you start telling them– hey this doesn’t work for me. Hey, that needs to change. Hey, I need you to do this differently.

Your partner is shocked, and offended. Things were good enough before, after all. What changed? The relationship has been fine and easy, and they don’t *want* to do all that work now.

Does any of this resonate for you?

It sure as fuck did for me.

I was struck too by the understanding that women need to learn how to assert their needs and desires right from the beginning of a relationship. While this could apply to any gender, and any type of relationship, this seems to me to be most salient among women who are in relationships with men.

In general, given the programming we learn as girls and women (to be happy, nice, polite, pretty, small, and giving) it makes sense that so many women enter new relationships with men with the goal of making themselves “easy to love.”

Typically this means not asking for much from our partners, accepting them however they show up, and just being grateful to be chosen.

In the early days, we typically try really hard to play it cool, and be laidback and casual, in order to not scare our partners off. We hide our emotional ups and downs, we hide how messy and needy we are, we hide what we really want, and we try to just be grateful that we “found a good one.”

Worse still, many women pride themselves on being “different than other girls,” meaning we demand even less from our partners, we express even fewer needs, we hide even more of our feelings… and we’re proud of it.

The problem is that “making things easy” on your partner in the beginning is a sure-fire way to end up unhappy.

Our male partners get used to relationships being suuuppper easy and undemanding, and after a while he may be perfectly content with how things are, while we have a list a mile long of our unmet needs.

Many men might try to convince you that the problem is you– that you’re too demanding, or too needy, or you’re overreacting, or you just “need to relax.”

Other men would be devastated, and unable to handle hearing all the ways they’re making you unhappy without feeling like you were attacking their personal character.

But this isn’t about you, and you don’t need to “relax.” It’s not even about him, or his personal failings.

Trust me, this is much bigger than that.

This is about the roles we are taught to play in heteronormative relationships, and who those roles benefit (hint: it’s not women).

Can you imagine if, overnight, every single woman agreed to be 100% honest and upfront about her expectations, desires, and demands in her relationship from now on?

At first, I suspect there would be a lot of breakups.

Most men would be like UMMMM THIS IS ANNOYING, I’VE NEVER HAD TO WORK THIS HARD AND I DON’T LIKE IT.

That’s because most women would demand more emotional labor, more emotional intelligence, more foreplay and sensual sex, and more of the other stuff we have all taught men they don’t need to do, in order to come off as easy and laidback and likeable.

“It’s true what they say about women: Women are insatiable. We are greedy. Our appetites do need to be controlled if things are to stay in place. If the world were ours too, if we believed we could get away with it, we would ask for more love, more sex, more money, more commitment to children, more food, more care. These sexual, emotional, and physical demands would begin to extend to social demands: payment for care of the elderly, parental leave, childcare, etc. The force of female desire would be so great that society would truly have to reckon with what women want, in bed and in the world.”

-Naomi Wolf, The Beauty Myth

Here’s the thing though.

If every single woman agreed to be upfront about her desires and demands, then after all those early breakups occurred with the men going off in search of “easier” relationships, they would all eventually discover that there was no such thing.

Can you imagine if we all held men accountable for recognizing and dismantling their own privilege, for examining and healing their own traumas, gender role expectations, and personal narratives? If we held them accountable for recognizing and communicating what they were feeling, and for showing up to do exactly half of the emotional labor in every relationship?

Most relationships would look shockingly different, and this hypothetical change would likely feel terribly unfair to men at first.

After all, for thousands and thousands of years, we have taught them that it’s totally ok for them not to do any of that, that they get a free pass because it’s “not in their nature.” (False.)

We have taught them that we women will take responsibility for most (if not all) of the emotional labor so that he can have a good life with lots of connections. We’ll remind him to call his mother on her birthday, bring up problems in our relationships that he “didn’t know how to talk about,” and keeps lists and schedules in our heads about everything that needs to be done to run a household and maintain strong connections to our friends, family, and communities.

It’s no wonder marriage disproportionately benefits men.

We’ve taught men that they don’t need to work hard to learn these skills, they don’t need to really listen to us or take our needs (or feelings) seriously, and they don’t have to change or better themselves.

We’ve even taught men that we’ll agree with them about how difficult/crazy/emotional/needy we’re being… and apologize for it.

So what do we do?

Well for a start,

what if we stopped praising men for doing tiny fractions of the emotional labor in their relationships?

What if we stopped thanking men for tolerating or “handling” our emotions?

What if we stopped applauding every time a man is an active father, does chores at home, talks about his feelings, or sacrifices career success for his family, the way women have been doing for centuries?

What if we demanded that all this (and more) became a baseline of expectation, rather than a reason to celebrate?

This might sounds crazy (and you might be freaking out imagining being even more difficult or demanding in your relationship) but the point is that eventually there would be a shift.

With an “easy relationship” taken off the table, the only option for men would be to step up and learn how to navigate the “difficult” part of a relationship.

Perhaps you’re sitting there thinking “but men just aren’t good at that stuff!”

I hear this excuse a lot, that men and women are just born with different strengths. The same argument has, until very recently, been used to justify men cheating, raping, and sexually assaulting women.

This same line of thinking has also been used to oppress women by saying that we are the more naturally virtuous and chaste gender. (Again giving men a free pass to be sexual and misbehave, while leaving the work of getting everyone to be “good” to whom? Women.)

I don’t buy this.

Yes, men and women are different, but a lot of this stuff is the result of social conditioning, gender role expectations, and unexamined privilege. Rather than lacking some biological gift, all men are lacking is practice and motivation.

(Wow this email really turned into a rant.)

In summary:

We must not allow our male partners to get away with having “easy” relationships, for fear of chasing them away. We must find ways to challenge these deeply ingrained gender roles around emotional labor, and loudly voice our expectations, desires, and needs from day one.

I don’t want an “easy” relationship, and I don’t want to live in a world where we are teaching men that an easy relationship is even an option.

We all deserve better than that, my sweet sisters.

If we all start demanding more, the men will eventually catch up.

<3

Jessi

The post {#TransparentTuesday} Emotional labor. appeared first on Jessi Kneeland.

http://ift.tt/2ibHaJE

[johnclapperne]

{#TransparentTuesday} Emotional labor.

I recently spent a few hours with a dear friend who was in town, and we got onto the topic of relationships.

My friend never ceases to astonish me with his wisdom and thoughtfulness, and I found myself understanding a big topic with absolute clarity for the first time.

At one point, I actually wanted to stop and take notes.

The topic was something I have both experienced personally, and in my coaching practice, about the growing pains in a relationship when you shift from assessing your partner simply as a human (amazing! sexy! perfect!) to assessing them as your future life partner (too messy! workaholic! their family is bad shit crazy!).

Here’s the gist of my friend’s message:

In the beginning of a relationship, it’s easy to be accommodating and accepting. While wearing your lust-and-optimism new-relationship goggles, you can see your partner’s behaviors in a very flattering and forgiving light. Sure, you might hear a little voice telling you that this particular behavior wouldn’t work for you in the long term, but you don’t say anything, because it’s not a big deal right now.

But then later on, when those new-relationship goggles come off, and you’re planning a future together, you might suddenly realize that there’s a ton of shit you wish was different, but your partner doesn’t know this. So you start telling them– hey this doesn’t work for me. Hey, that needs to change. Hey, I need you to do this differently.

Your partner is shocked, and offended. Things were good enough before, after all. What changed? The relationship has been fine and easy, and they don’t *want* to do all that work now.

Does any of this resonate for you?

It sure as fuck did for me.

I was struck too by the understanding that women need to learn how to assert their needs and desires right from the beginning of a relationship. While this could apply to any gender, and any type of relationship, this seems to me to be most salient among women who are in relationships with men.

In general, given the programming we learn as girls and women (to be happy, nice, polite, pretty, small, and giving) it makes sense that so many women enter new relationships with men with the goal of making themselves “easy to love.”

Typically this means not asking for much from our partners, accepting them however they show up, and just being grateful to be chosen.

In the early days, we typically try really hard to play it cool, and be laidback and casual, in order to not scare our partners off. We hide our emotional ups and downs, we hide how messy and needy we are, we hide what we really want, and we try to just be grateful that we “found a good one.”

Worse still, many women pride themselves on being “different than other girls,” meaning we demand even less from our partners, we express even fewer needs, we hide even more of our feelings… and we’re proud of it.

The problem is that “making things easy” on your partner in the beginning is a sure-fire way to end up unhappy.

Our male partners get used to relationships being suuuppper easy and undemanding, and after a while he may be perfectly content with how things are, while we have a list a mile long of our unmet needs.

Many men might try to convince you that the problem is you– that you’re too demanding, or too needy, or you’re overreacting, or you just “need to relax.”

Other men would be devastated, and unable to handle hearing all the ways they’re making you unhappy without feeling like you were attacking their personal character.

But this isn’t about you, and you don’t need to “relax.” It’s not even about him, or his personal failings.

Trust me, this is much bigger than that.

This is about the roles we are taught to play in heteronormative relationships, and who those roles benefit (hint: it’s not women).

Can you imagine if, overnight, every single woman agreed to be 100% honest and upfront about her expectations, desires, and demands in her relationship from now on?

At first, I suspect there would be a lot of breakups.

Most men would be like UMMMM THIS IS ANNOYING, I’VE NEVER HAD TO WORK THIS HARD AND I DON’T LIKE IT.

That’s because most women would demand more emotional labor, more emotional intelligence, more foreplay and sensual sex, and more of the other stuff we have all taught men they don’t need to do, in order to come off as easy and laidback and likeable.

“It’s true what they say about women: Women are insatiable. We are greedy. Our appetites do need to be controlled if things are to stay in place. If the world were ours too, if we believed we could get away with it, we would ask for more love, more sex, more money, more commitment to children, more food, more care. These sexual, emotional, and physical demands would begin to extend to social demands: payment for care of the elderly, parental leave, childcare, etc. The force of female desire would be so great that society would truly have to reckon with what women want, in bed and in the world.”

-Naomi Wolf, The Beauty Myth

Here’s the thing though.

If every single woman agreed to be upfront about her desires and demands, then after all those early breakups occurred with the men going off in search of “easier” relationships, they would all eventually discover that there was no such thing.

Can you imagine if we all held men accountable for recognizing and dismantling their own privilege, for examining and healing their own traumas, gender role expectations, and personal narratives? If we held them accountable for recognizing and communicating what they were feeling, and for showing up to do exactly half of the emotional labor in every relationship?

Most relationships would look shockingly different, and this hypothetical change would likely feel terribly unfair to men at first.

After all, for thousands and thousands of years, we have taught them that it’s totally ok for them not to do any of that, that they get a free pass because it’s “not in their nature.” (False.)

We have taught them that we women will take responsibility for most (if not all) of the emotional labor so that he can have a good life with lots of connections. We’ll remind him to call his mother on her birthday, bring up problems in our relationships that he “didn’t know how to talk about,” and keeps lists and schedules in our heads about everything that needs to be done to run a household and maintain strong connections to our friends, family, and communities.

It’s no wonder marriage disproportionately benefits men.

We’ve taught men that they don’t need to work hard to learn these skills, they don’t need to really listen to us or take our needs (or feelings) seriously, and they don’t have to change or better themselves.

We’ve even taught men that we’ll agree with them about how difficult/crazy/emotional/needy we’re being… and apologize for it.

So what do we do?

Well for a start,

what if we stopped praising men for doing tiny fractions of the emotional labor in their relationships?

What if we stopped thanking men for tolerating or “handling” our emotions?

What if we stopped applauding every time a man is an active father, does chores at home, talks about his feelings, or sacrifices career success for his family, the way women have been doing for centuries?

What if we demanded that all this (and more) became a baseline of expectation, rather than a reason to celebrate?

This might sounds crazy (and you might be freaking out imagining being even more difficult or demanding in your relationship) but the point is that eventually there would be a shift.

With an “easy relationship” taken off the table, the only option for men would be to step up and learn how to navigate the “difficult” part of a relationship.

Perhaps you’re sitting there thinking “but men just aren’t good at that stuff!”

I hear this excuse a lot, that men and women are just born with different strengths. The same argument has, until very recently, been used to justify men cheating, raping, and sexually assaulting women.

This same line of thinking has also been used to oppress women by saying that we are the more naturally virtuous and chaste gender. (Again giving men a free pass to be sexual and misbehave, while leaving the work of getting everyone to be “good” to whom? Women.)

I don’t buy this.

Yes, men and women are different, but a lot of this stuff is the result of social conditioning, gender role expectations, and unexamined privilege. Rather than lacking some biological gift, all men are lacking is practice and motivation.

(Wow this email really turned into a rant.)

In summary:

We must not allow our male partners to get away with having “easy” relationships, for fear of chasing them away. We must find ways to challenge these deeply ingrained gender roles around emotional labor, and loudly voice our expectations, desires, and needs from day one.

I don’t want an “easy” relationship, and I don’t want to live in a world where we are teaching men that an easy relationship is even an option.

We all deserve better than that, my sweet sisters.

If we all start demanding more, the men will eventually catch up.

<3

Jessi

The post {#TransparentTuesday} Emotional labor. appeared first on Jessi Kneeland.

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