#He has a lot of bitterness really because he has low self image and thinks people just think everybody else is so much better

[whinlatter]

something tells me you don't really like tonks, just a hunch xD

For the relationship ask if you're still doing it: harry and remus, molly and remus, teddy and adromeda. I would love to see what do you think <3

noooo i love tonks! i had a ball writing her and think that @evesaintyves’ rendering of her is one of fandom’s greatest gifts 😭 i just find it very funny that harry thinks she should low key get a grip. and as a clumsy young woman who should myself get a grip, i say: get off her case, hjp.

ok the remus + tonks/black extended family universe... hyped for this one. delicious choices, thank you anon. (i have a few more in the inbox i'm going to take a stab at but am trying to avoid spoilery ones or ones where i risk boring you all again by repeating old talking points, so if i don't get to one pls forgive me...)

right — to business. we begin with everybody looking at remus lupin waiting for him to put his crippling self loathing aside to write (1) singular letter to his dead friend's son:

i jest (to an extent). but i do think the entirety of harry and remus' dynamic is best encapsulated in one singular scene in PoA:

“When they get near me — ” Harry stared at Lupin’s desk, his throat tight. “I can hear Voldemort murdering my mum.” Lupin made a sudden motion with his arm as though to grip Harry’s shoulder, but thought better of it.

i know there's a very understandable move in AUs to imagine what would have happened if remus had raised harry - or, more often, if remus had been 'allowed' to raise harry by dumbledore. but looking past the whole plot-requiring-harry-to-be-at-the-dursleys thing, the truth is, canon remus lupin would never have put himself forward to raise harry, because of his own (not unfounded!) concerns about the precarity of his existence and the dangerousness of his condition. remus' sense of self - more specifically his fear of himself, and his very low self worth - consistently lead him to hold harry at arm's length from the moment he's introduced in the series until its bitter end. i don't think remus at all approves of the way harry is treated at the dursleys. but i can very much imagine that remus thinks it would still be better than the life he could have given harry if he ever had been called upon to serve as his primary caregiver. one of the most interesting implicit dynamics in the series is that harry notices this and does, to some extent, resent it (obviously the fact that he only ever calls him 'lupin' in his narration, though uses remus to his face, and also: 'Harry had received no mail since the start of term; his only regular correspondent was now dead and although he had hoped that Lupin might write occasionally, he had so far been disappointed.') while the harry & remus fight in DH is about harry's view of what remus ought to do re tonks and the baby, it’s also harry coming as close as saying to remus: you're letting your own child down like you let me down. ('I’m pretty sure my father would have wanted to know why you aren’t sticking with your own kid, actually... He had it coming to him,” said Harry. Broken images were racing each other through his mind: Sirius falling through the veil; Dumbledore suspended, broken, in midair; a flash of green light and his mother’s voice, begging for mercy… ‘Parents,’ said Harry, 'shouldn’t leave their kids unless—unless they’ve got to.')

molly and remus: i think this is a very, very underrated relationship! i know there’s a lot of molly-bashing around these days, especially if you’re a marauders and/or sirius and/or wolfstar stan. but i think it is very very overlooked that the person who looks after adult remus the most from 1995 onwards, and who shows him some of the deepest trust and roots for his happiness, is molly. for a man who has plainly known a huge amount of financial/food/housing insecurity, and who is so villainised in wider wizarding society, it is no small gesture for molly to not only provide for remus materially but also to trust him in a house with all of her children and encourage him in a romantic relationship he struggles to feel entitled to and worthy of. (i love sirius, but he is in no fit state to ‘look after’ remus in the last year of his life, and fandom’s continued unwillingness to recognise the importance of domestic/caregiving labour as a vital contribution to the resistance will never not be problematic af). remus clearly values and admires molly in return - the only time he actually ever entertains a parent/guardianship role is when molly is weeping over her boggart, crying onto remus’ shoulder (‘what must you think of me?’) and he assures her that if anything were to happen to her and arthur, he would be a part of the team making sure her children are taken date of (‘what do you think we’d do, let them starve?’) remus’ relationship with molly is often the more mild-mannered translator of her viewpoint to others (especially others with hot tempers), and mediator trying to find middle ground between molly’s protective instincts and the battle/ready instincts of others. (more grist to my sirius & ginny parallels mill — in DH, when a fuming ginny is desperately trying to sneak off to fight in the battle, it’s remus who appeals to molly and ginny to find the compromise of ginny staying in the room of requirement to know what’s going on but not actively fight, a mirror image of his role mediating the dispute between sirius and molly over harry’s right to know what’s going on at grimmauld in ootp…) molly accepts this compromise, a sign that she trusts remus implicitly (she never frets that a werewolf is living among her children in ootp onwards, and invites him to christmas readily even after months undercover with the pack) and also feels able to call him out (‘i’ve always said you’re taking a ridiculous line on this, remus’.) this is too long but basically — justice for molly and remus, unlikely buds!

teddy and andromeda: i weirdly think a lot about teddy lupin these days. i tend to imagine teddy as a very mild-mannered, affable, calm child, like who remus might have been had he not been bitten, with tonks' heart and sociability but also with something of remus' more philosophical disposition. i think he'd slip very naturally into a big brother role because, in part, he does see himself as having a responsibility to take care of people, and i think this would shine through in his relationship with andromeda. we know teddy was raised by his gran, and i imagine she feels enormously protective of him, perhaps bordering on strict in her desire to keep him safe from the harm that came to all the rest of her family. but i like to imagine teddy didn't act out against this too much, in part because he understands where it comes from and in turn feels very protective of andromeda. growing up in the aftermath of the war would make teddy as a child particularly aware of the grief and pain and the silences among the adults around him, and i think teddy would take any compensatory protective strictness on andromeda's part with good grace, and humour her for it. i like to think teenage/young adult teddy serves as the translator for any of his gran's more prickly edges, and that they have a very close relationship that both of them really treasure.

[mommyashtoreth]

Your opinion: fanon crowley not liking/hating his own eyes. (and by extention hating himself...?) i personally dont really like this headcanon and dont think that he hates himself or views himself as worthless at all ETC but i want to know what you think

Strokes my beard sagely. This is one of those things that like. I guess I get why people want to hc this but there's really just nothing in the text to support it. In the show we see Crowley without sunglasses all the time, when he's alone or when he's alone with Aziraphale, and the clear purpose of the glasses is like, literally just to hide his eyes from humans. That's it. Idk I think a lot of people project a lot of what I've taken to calling "angel dysphoria" onto Crowley, where he's constantly tormented by his eyes and his scales and his Fall and his general demon-ness, yknow, angsty art pieces where haggard alcoholic demon-Crowley longs to look like the Sweet And Wholesome angel-Crowley he sees in the bathroom mirror ("transgender short film" style), buuut I don't really think that tracks! He hasn't done a very good job at being a demon but he's not nearly as tortured by his status as people make him out to be. I don't think Crowley hates his eyes because I don't think Crowley hates being a demon because I don't think Crowley hates himself. He might be bitter about how he's treated but I don't think it runs deep enough in him to hate a physical trait about himself like that. Again, I understand WHY people might like writing this, I'm transgender and I have gender dysphoria and fictional depictions of it can help process that, BUT I guess I just think Crowley has a lot of transgender allegory traits in the text you could dive into, and "eye hatred" is not one of them. Idk I guess Crowley and his neurosis is kind of a hard character to pin down correctly and I'm not gonna fault anyone for trying to make it a little easier, but I do like picking him apart like this. Oh also you can have low self-esteem in ways that do not relate to your physical appearance and I think both Crowley and Aziraphale are textually really good examples of this, and yet "Crowley has low self-esteem" is primarily represented as like, "snake-eye hatred angel dysphoria" and "Aziraphale has low self-esteem" is primarily represented as like, "body image issues because that is the only kind of conflict chubby people are allowed to have, apparently". Sorry if I sound bitter LMAO I'm trying to be lighthearted here, I'm just. aheh. someone with low self-esteem that is unrelated to how I look and I like representing that in writing. So it'd be cool if people saw the ways in which that ginger slut and I share so much because I am the most important girl in the world

[rickbarooah]

Thinking about the future

Most of the images on my Substack are made by AI. But for this one, I, myself, made the images. I would be glad to know if you like these, or should I go back to using an AI to generate the graphics?

There is also a short story, the young and the old at the end. You know about this if you are following me on Notes. You can skip to that if you don’t wanna read all this.

Start of the article

“I am nothing but I must be everything” — Critique of Hegel’s philosophy of right, Karl Marx

I’ve been working harder than ever on my work, but there is still a decrease in the posting frequency, and that’s because I’ve also been sending articles to many newspapers and ending up with rejection emails. Don’t quit reading, now that you know this.

Now, freelancing is the only visible option, working on getting started (Making sample articles, reading and taking courses on copywriting, figuring out how all this works). At times like this, everything seems elusive.

Also trying out graphics designing, the images in this post are the outcome of that, to open the possibility of earning something that way. I’m not good at it.

I made a serious projects section on Substack to put projects that I’ve spent days working on and cover important issues. Also getting some critiques on my writings on Critique Circle.

All this is happening when the open rate of my emails is hitting an all-time low. This feels like I’m making reverse progress while working hard.

Nothing in the world matters, if we think about the universe as a whole. I don’t know if you are religious, you might think it’s a part of a big plan. I don’t believe in any of that. Truth matters to me more than self-satisfaction. But, I’m not judging you if you differ.

Thinking about absurdism lately. I’m at least not a nihilist anymore. Thinking about the novel, The Stranger by Albert Camus. In the voice of Meursault, nothing matters. It’s resonating in my life.

But that doesn’t mean I’ll give up. In the previous post, the bitter phase of life was based on it. You may read it if you want to know more (It was updated after the email was sent).

A quick recap of the part we need today: The protagonist wants to live in a place of peace, away from the chaos of the urban world. His/her dreams have changed from achieving things to having a life he/she wants.

Important conclusions for this article: (changing perspective from the protagonist to me) I don’t want to make a lot of money. just enough to change the way I live now. I want more freedom, peace, calmness.

Nothing really matters, so we can give importance to things that we think matter to us. I have an article written on this. I’ll publish it soon, by the end of next week. It might make everything feel better.

This is all good and easy to say until you factor in that you are not the only one living in this world. There are many living piles of shit around who are constantly trying to ruin your day. Getting depressed is also a thing. I have feelings that no one understands. No one listens. Maybe because of all the superficial things I do which I don’t mean to.

I act in a way I don’t want to. The problems I have are unheard of by most and can drown me down in the dark thoughts of nihilism, meaninglessness, suicide, self-doubt, self-regret, shame, etc.

There are moments where everyone is wrong but no one acknowledges it. They talk with a bias filter on top of their vocal cords.

I get mad. Sometimes people don’t see the human inside the skin and treat others like a bunch of words moulded into a moving skeleton. I don’t like seeing that happen to others. I cry when it happens to me.

Freaking doesn’t help.

When I started, all my writings could be summarised into eighteen words, “a person freaking out on the internet like a child cause he/she doesn’t have anyone to talk to.” But that has changed. Maybe not enough; you can put this post in the same category if you wish to. I made the serious projects section to list projects that can truly add value to someone’s life. That’s part of the reason why this is not there even though I spend days working on it.

The truth is: no one wants to read you freaking out. They are my problems, nobody else gives a fuck about them.

No matter how many spicks of motivation I get, seeing the dashboard brings me down on my knees in an instant.

Nothing is driving me except an internal rebellion fueled by everything around me. It’s a rebellion against the world order, pre-determined paths of success, and the conventional definition of happiness. Making money doesn’t make you happy, but you need to have some to set free and find yourself out in the world.

Every day, all I end up saying is: I’ll try, what else can I do? Yet, a question always remains at the back of my mind: What’s the use of this all? — This question may not affect the way I’m going to live life, but it has certainly, changed the way I see life forever.

Ending here.

—

—

Something else

There are times when everyone is wrong in something, but instead of seeing that we make up our minds on who is right based on our biases. Below is a short story where an old man and a young boy are thinking while passing each other in an alley, neither is right but it’s still easy to decide who is right.

An old man walks with creases on his face, expanding and overlapping with each step. The creases expand to an extent that you can make out the shape of his face, this makes him look angry. Angry because none of those young souls can listen to what’s right.

A boy feeling no better than an ant stuck at a pond is walking in the same alley, opposite direction. Thinking of all the things that were off, cursing everyone in his mind, “There’s no use of regret once I’m a walking dead man.” He’s angry too, but there are no creases on his face.

Seeing through his thick eyelids, the man sees a spoiled kid - angry and doesn’t seem to give a fuck about him. He stops abruptly, his movements make the boy stop too. Looked into each other’s eyes for a second and moved on.

[xprince-of-hellx]

I'm beginning to realize how things manifest in us differently

[yandere-sins]

Good evening or morning (wherever you are).... My request for today is Kaeya from genshin impact. What if he were to confess his love to a timid reader but *gasps* she reveals she has a boyfriend already. Smut is fine if you want.

Thank you so much 🦋

Thank you for requesting!! ♥ Part 2 of my trying to get back into smut OTL

Rated Lemon/Explicit!

»»———————— ♡ ————————««   

Even after everything that happened, you weren't able to forget the look on Kaeya's face as you broke the news.

True, you and your boyfriend had wanted to keep your relationship on the low, but not because you tried to deceive your friends, just so you two could have some peace while finding out more about each other and developing your feelings. But you never meant for anyone to look at you so... disappointed. Even if you were happy with your choice of partner, having to reject someone dear to you still hurt.

"Oh, [Name]," Kaeya sighed, shaking his head. Of course, he wouldn't be happy to hear the person he just asked out confess that they had a boyfriend. Perhaps especially because you two had always been relatively close, even more so lately where you were out almost every day after work. You felt a tinge of regret not telling him earlier. Save him the embarrassment you assumed he must feel. Then again, how could you have known that the charismatic Kaeya had feelings for you? He could have any woman in town, so why had it to be you? Of all people, you wouldn't have expected Kaeya to confess his love to you. Even if you two always got along fine, you thought yourself to look rather gray next to the shining knight that Kaeya was. Someone who wasn't fit to be anything more than friends with him.

"W-We can still continue being friends?" was the best and stupidest comfort you could come up with on the spot. You saw his grimace of disapproval, and it took him a second to collect himself, taking a deep breath before pushing himself away from the wall he had leaned on after learning the truth. Kaeya truly appeared devastated by the realization that you were taken already, and part of you could understand him. Certainly, you had just ruined his night and whatever companionship you two had, just because you couldn't have been more open from the beginning. It would have at least saved him some heartache, if any.

"Friends?" Kaeya mumbled, unfolding his crossed arms as he walked back to your side, leaning on the backrest of your chair. Feeling uncomfortably cornered, you stood up, looking around you. The outside of the tavern was lonely, and Kaeya had chosen this place for his confession surely to avoid any curious listeners. There were still voices coming from inside Angel's Share, but the streets of Mondstadt were quiet at this time of the night, with only his smooth voice reaching out to you. "With all due respect..."

Wrapping his fingers around your chin, you were forced to look up, staring right back into the mocking expression of your 'friend', the mood suddenly shifting. You had regretted having to reject Kaeya's feelings before, Kaeya always having been a good friend to you and hurting him felt wrong. But you would come to regret it much more that you went outside with him, away from the safety of the masses.

"I'd rather be anything else than your 'friend'."

»»————————

"Come on, Dove! Say it! I'm better than him, aren't I?"

"N-No--"

Your attempt to refuse this assumption was meekly interrupted by your loud gasps as Kaeya pushed forward. The curve on his cock was so perfectly aligned inside of you, constantly hitting the good spots whenever he plowed it inside. A cocky grin was on his face as he showed you off in the reflection of the mirror before you, spread over his legs and hanging in his grip on you. It was the biggest taunt he could think of, constantly reminding you how good you were feeling despite your initial refusal of him.

The image inside of the mirror wasn't one you had ever seen of yourself. That sweaty, drooling mess of a human, eyes unfocused and yet filled with pleasure, was nothing you could relate to. And yet, except for the occasional blue strands of hair falling over your skin and peeking out from behind your shoulder, your brain recognized the sight as you. Still, it was hard to accept this side of yourself, especially with his marks and hands. All. Over. It.

Kaeya only laughed as you tried to refute him, smirking a cocky grin from behind you. "Oh? Did Mr. Boyfriend not touch you yet? Even though you're such a little slut?"

His hand falling between your legs, Kaeya first brushed up your thighs, causing you to squirm from the sensation. His hands were trained and roughed up from handling swords, but the way he used them showed how skilled he was. Settling at your clit, he slowed down the rocking of his hips for a moment to get his fingers wet with your juices before picking up the pace again. There was no way you could deny how you were feeling after riding him for the better portion of time ever since he brought you to this city apartment of his, your body shivering and moving on its own with his hand teasing your clit, the additional pleasure riling you up.

"Look at your cunt gaping open for me~" he purred, opening your lower lips wide for the mirror to reflect your exposed entrance. Seeing how his shaft disappeared inside you clearly, you only felt hotter from embarrassment, turning your head which was quickly caught by his free hand, Kaeya turning it forward again - painfully so. His grip wasn't even close to how he had touched you before when you two had still been 'only' drinking buddies. You weren't sure how long he had feelings for you, but you wagered that these feelings must have changed much in the last hour, just like his touch. It once had been so gentle, kind. But now, it was rough and demanding, leaving no room for how you felt.

"Let go!" you said firmly, tearing yourself from his grip to avoid looking at this strange self in the reflection. You felt ashamed and embarrassed. Kaeya made a fool out of you, now that he had you in this peculiar situation. It's not like you wanted to cheat on your boyfriend and betray him in any kind. But your body reacted positively to it, making Kaeya chuckle as you tightened around him after seeing yourself, "You are enjoying it a lot, aren't you?"

It brought tears to your eyes, knowing it was Kaeya deeply lodged inside of you, but your sobs were just another incentive for him to continue. You couldn't even blame him for that - they did sound a lot like sounds of pleasure that overtook their place. Soon you were back to gasping and moaning, glad you at least weren't begging him for more with how shameful you behaved.

"You can still leave him," Kaeya suggested. Though a smile still played around his lips before he hid them behind your shoulder, kissing it tenderly, he sounded very serious. "Leave him and stay with me. No one needs to know what kind of slut you are, going behind his back."

"But I didn't!" you sobbed. "You forced me too-- You forced yourself on me!"

Without hearing the sigh falling off Kaeya's lips, you found yourself breathing in sharply as he made a sudden push, burying his cock even deeper inside of you, the base of it touching your body. The gasp was followed by a long moan, tears streaming down your face after he exploited your sensitivity so much. It was a regrettable, disgusting moan signaling how much you enjoyed him hitting these sweet spots of yours.

Your gaze fell back to the mirror, showing the pleasure-stricken expression on your face. Even though you knew you shouldn't feel this way, Kaeya simply seemed to know all the right things to do, and he used all of them. It was bitter, but he did make you feel... erotic. Made you feel like something you never saw yourself as. Something your boyfriend couldn't make you feel.

With him, it was sugary-sweet puppy love, but with Kaeya, there was so much more. Desire, carnal at that. Love, demands, obsession. No matter how either of you moved your body, it was exciting, making your heart race. Every glance at yourself in the mirror made your body tingle, and every one of his pushes sent waves of excitement up your spine. You wished to have experienced these things with the person you truly loved instead of the hawk watching you from behind.

"I know," he mumbled, his hands driving up from your pussy to your chest, giving your breasts an equal squeeze. Taking in a sharp breath, you held back, instead having Kaeya be the one to groan lowly into your shoulder as you tightened around him. "I'll take so much better care of you than that boy. I can make you your true self, don't you think? You're wasted on everyone but me."

"Just finish it," you breathed heavily, and Kaeya sighed.

"As you wish."

Picking you up by the legs, Kaeya hoisted you up into the air, taking a few steps forward to stand right in front of the mirror. It was a breathtaking sensation to feel his cock carving you out from the dynamic motions, your walls gladly welcoming every inch before confining his member inside. You really could do without a closer look at how his cock slid in and out of you, sloppy sounds and tingling sensations running through you, but it almost made you wonder if you'd be able to experience the same sensations that Kaeya put you through, ever again once this was over.

"Hope you're ready for what you wished for," he reminded you, and you instantly began to realize alarming innuendos in his choice of words and the teasing tone of his voice, struggling in his hold.

"N-Not inside!" you yelled at him, slinging one arm over his head to be the one to tightly grip his face this time. "You can't cum inside!"

"Oh, really?" he taunted you. You squeezing his cheeks together didn't change the fact that he could grin like a Cheshire cat out of fairytales. "Give me one good reason not to."

"I can't bear your baby! I just can't!"

Grinning even wider, Kaeya let you drop a few inches to kiss your nose. "You'll need to do better than that."

Biting your lip, you thought about what he could want to hear from you, eventually realizing the level you'd have to stoop to. A baby would ruin everything, especially if it was Kaeya's baby. Even if things wouldn't turn out the worst way possible, it would still be a lifelong reminder of this ordeal he put you through. Your pride was worth nothing in exchange for the future you always wanted to have.

"P-Please..." you mumbled, the quick pace with which he was ramming into you making it hard to speak. At the same time, it urged you to hurry, as it wouldn't be long now before he'd fulfill the deed inside of you.

"I can't hear you~"

"Please don't cum inside me!"

Halting abruptly, Kaeya looked at the mirror image of you two, thinking for a split second before he resumed the pounding--this time, determined to finish. It was almost like you were hit by thunder, every movement releasing more shocks through you. You were a panting mess, but Kaeya wasn't far from it either. His eye would close halfway as he sunk into pleasure with you, both of you falling deeper and deeper into this hole.

Until it was finally over, your body curving and stretching, Kaeya's grip tightening to hold you throughout your orgasm, fingers digging into your supple thighs. Closing your eyes, you felt like flying, carried by a cloud, away from all the bad things and surrounded by the comforts and excitement that only intimacy could cause. You were almost lost in the orgasm before a part of you recalled the danger that was Kaeya, but much to your relief, when you opened your eyes again, he pushed in deep for the last time before suddenly lifting your up and off his cock.

Spurts of white semen shot through the air, landing on your reflection's stomach almost exactly where it would have landed inside of you. Both of you huffing, exhausted and spent, you watched as it dripped off the slick surface, leaving its stains there rather than inside of you.

Kaeya finally dropped you down, your legs unsteady, but his hold never ceased and kept you up. "Thank you..." you muttered, finding it hard to believe that after all he did, you were still thanking him for not cumming inside. Finding yourself in his arms rather than the ground, you refused the kiss he wanted to plant on your lips, instead turning your cheek, but Kaeya didn't seem to mind.

"I think you owe me something," he whispered into your ear before you felt his teeth bit into your lobe, making you flinch. "I did pull out like you asked me to."

"I owe you nothing, you... you bastard! You fiend! You...!" Your feelings took the upper hand as you heard what he demanded from you now. It was hard not to raise your voice when he dared to tell you about what you owed him after taking you against your will.

Laughing out loud, Kaeya quickly composed himself again, pretending to be hurt. "Ouch. I didn't know you knew these kinds of words."

A sudden rough pull in your hair yanked your head back, your body arching under the force and pressing against his while Kaeya towered over you, never letting his gaze stray from you. "Call me what you want. I don't care what you think, I'm not your friend, remember? I am anything but your stupid, little friend."

This time he took your mouth as he pleased, ramming his lips into yours and slipping his tongue down your throat. When he finally spoke again, his words were nothing but threatening to you, an anxious knot building in your stomach.

"That's why you'll break up with that asshole, you understand?"

"Why would I! Just leave me alone! You had what you wanted!"

"You still don't understand it," Kaeya sighed, releasing your hair briefly before tangling it around his fingers again, pulling you back even further and making you fear your spine would snap. "You are what I want! You belong to me! I was nice this time, but I will change if I must. Break up with him and make it easy for both of you. And then you'll come back to warm my bed, understand?"

Gulping, you put on a brave face, trying to face his stare head-on. This was getting out of control; you couldn't let him win with all his endeavors! No matter how you thought about Kaeya before, this wasn't the man you had come to like and appreciate in the past. He was something, but you could only hope it was still a human.

"And what if I don't?" you asked, using all the courage left inside of you.

"Oh darling, believe me," he laughed, unexpectedly pulling away all of his hands, your body unable to keep itself up and plummeting to the floor. Instant waves of shock and pain hit you, but when he stepped between your legs, you couldn't help but look up to him. How could you have been so wrong about a person you spent so much time with? Who was this man claiming to love you?

"You will do as I say, or everyone will know what kind of slut you really are. Especially your fine boyfriend. Who do you think the people will believe - their charming cavalry captain or some random chick that was seen laughing and hanging around him a lot?"

You opened your mouth to protest, wanting to prove him wrong, wanting to tell him Mondstadt cared about you as much as they did about him. But... was this wrong to assume? Would they really believe your word against his? With a reputation like Kaeya had, would you stand a chance to win against him? You couldn't imagine living a different life than you had so far, so would you be able to deal with the branding of a cheater? Realizing these questions, you closed your mouth again, scrambling to get up and collect your clothes from the ground. You were ready to storm out of the room, just go home and forget about everything that happened but reaching for the doorknob, Kaeya approached you from behind, holding the door shut with his hand.

"Don't hate me too much, okay? I really, really love you, [Name]."

He sounded anxious as he whispered these words against your head, leaving a trail of kisses. How could you believe this? How could you believe any of what he was saying? Just now, he had forced you into a level of intimacy you hadn't been ready for, threatened you, and made demands. And now he came to you, showing these rare moments of vulnerability and insecurity that made you special before all of this went down. What could you still believe about Kaeya?

"This isn't love," you mumbled, twisting and turning the knob to leave, deciding you couldn't listen to his voice anymore.

"You'll come to understand that this is love," Kaeya chuckled. You could hear the bittersweet smile on his lips as he planted one more kiss on top of your shoulder before he pushed himself away, letting you escape into the night.

Only when the cold, fresh air engulfed your heated body could you finally collect your thoughts. Your body ached, and yet, it tingled with every step, remembering you of the pleasure you had experienced through him. Disgusted and appalled by yourself, you made your way back home, crying the whole time, wondering what went wrong.

It was all Kaeya's fault, right? He went mad and did these unspeakable things to you. He was jealous because you had a boyfriend already and rejected him. None of this was your fault... right? But at the same time, would he make these threats come true? Was there really no other way than to break up with your boyfriend? Could you do nothing but obey his demands if you wanted to keep living your life? Was the love he had for you really love?

These questions kept you up all night.

All while Kaeya sipped on his drink, satisfied with himself, studying the image of you he had in his mind and the cum stains on his mirror. Stains he only planned to add to but never get rid of.

Just like you'd never get rid of him.

[becomingbts]

Time heals (sometimes) - 1

Summary: 6 years ago, (Y/N) thought that she was finally taking her life into her hands, leaving behind a toxic and abusive relationship with a man who taught her she’d never be worthy of love. However, it became hard to ignore his words when she met her seven soulmates who rejected her without even giving her a chance to prove herself. It took (Y/N) 3 years to realize that it wouldn’t be her end. She would live on to prove them all wrong; she would become what they all thought she wasn’t: someone worthy of love. And as she stands proudly on the stage, under the  burning spotlights and the applause and  the cries of the delirious crowd, she feels alive. Alive, just like the bond she believed to be broken.

Pairings: Y/N x OT7

GENRE: Soulmate AU!, Idol Y/NAU!, semi social-media AU!, ANGST (mainly), fluff, romance, maybe smut in the series.

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Warnings:  The series is going to be heavy with a lot of personal experiences  mixed into the fiction, so this is going to be kind of therapeutic for me. Please, consider not reading the series if you are not comfortable with: abandonment issues, anxiety, panic attacks, depression, self-harm (not descriptive and only part of MC’s past), suicide thoughts (in the past), toxic behavior, toxic and abusive relationship (in the past), depreciating self-talk and low self-esteem, a lot of curse, physical and mental pain, near death experience situation (in the past), and maybe smut scenes (happy ending though, but it will probably be quite the ride).

NOTE: So hello everyone, welcome to Time Heals (sometimes). Thank you so, so much for the warm welcoming, it has been my first time getting so many asks, I was honestly overjoyed. I still don’t really know what to call this part; is it a teaser? A note? A full chapter? I believe we’ll get some snapshot of memories like this one throughout the series because there is going to be a lot to unpack on both sides. I think it will be a chapter nevertheless because I have to establish some kind of order as to which parts should be read first, and I think this one is extremely important.

Thank you for reading,

-Dolly

Profiles #2 - here - part 2

Her scream pierced through the air while cries broke in the frenzied arena while a single blond-haired man froze, emptily staring at the stage. It felt like his senses heightened; his skin was shuddering, his eyes were frantically searching for one specific figure while his voice was lost in his throat. The screams resonating in the stadium would have been too loud for his voice to be heard anyway. 

Jimin knew he shouldn’t be there. 

Namjoon had told them more than once that none of them should try to go to one of (Y/N)’s events. It could be dangerous and they could be overwhelmed; anything could happen to them and they would still remain a nobody who fainted in the howling crowd. Would they want to take this risk? No.

So, Jimin would have had to admit that going to her very first concert in Seoul since the pandemic sounded like a very, very, very bad idea. And to be honest, it still didn’t seem to be a bright idea now that he was actually there. 

But he still went because he needed to see her for himself; to see how she was. He had so many things he dreamed about asking her. Are you okay? Are you sleeping well? Did you eat before coming to the arena? Are you nervous? Do you... remember me? 

Maybe he was torturing himself. He kept on watching her lives, following her on all social media, always made sure to leave a sweet comment, and never miss any of her new updates... Maybe he even had a folder of pictures of her on his phone but he’d never admit it to any of his mates. Taehyung would probably take his phone away from him and delete everything and Jimin couldn’t let that happen.

He felt like it was cheating. Don’t take him wrong though. When he thought that, he was not really thinking about the boys. They did collectively agree not to follow her activities as an artist but it was getting harder and harder with how popular she got anyway. Moon was everywhere. In commercials, on the radio, her songs were on the TV… Even if she was known for refusing most of the promotional contracts that were offered to her, her image was still constantly in the media despite her avoidance of it. Ironic, but the media were trying their best to find anything about her, be it positive or negative. One day she was seen on her bike, the next, she was in a coffee shop, and it kept on going on, overstepping on her privacy as if it was just a meaningless word. 

The lockdown had admittedly played a major part in Jimin’s obsession. Being in their apartment meant quickly running out of activities, and his job as a dance teacher was not really filling his free time (a lot of his classes were also canceled). It was also during that time that (Y/N) truly blew up as an independent artist. Advertisement on YouTube started being around her channel and her music, the recommendations he kept on seeing were about also her… Jimin’s resolve honestly broke easily. It was hard not to be curious about his lost soulmate even though he didn’t feel like he had the right to be hurting. 

Anyway, to come back to his main point, if Jimin felt like he was cheating; it was mostly for her. After all, (Y/N) had no means of letting the curiosity get the best of her, to know what they were doing; to simply see or contact them. He had, at first, not really thought about that. Watching her content seemed a very innocent thing to do in his opinion; billions of people were watching her content, why should he prevent himself from doing so? Yet, Jimin could still remember one of her live she did soon after that interview she had given on this damned radio show where she had revealed who her title track ‘TIME’ was about… She had gone live the next day-Jimin had jumped on his phone because of the notification-and one fan had asked her what would she do if she knew that her ‘ex-soulmates’ (and those words left a very sour taste in Jimin’s mind) were watching her. The question had silenced a previously restless Jimin, replacing his initial excitation with dread while a lump formed itself in his throat. He had not even noticed it; he was so focused on her live and her upcoming answer that Jimin had completely missed the sound of a glass breaking in the apartment. Jimin had been home alone, so even if had indeed heard it, he probably wouldn’t have bothered to check what had happened, thinking that the wind knocked it over or something. Jimin had been so absorbed by what he had been watching that he even got surprised a few hours later when Seokjin came home and yelled at him for breaking something when he had been clearly innocent, engrossed in (Y/N)’s live (not that he could tell his soulmates about that part, but yeah). (Y/N)’s live would always be more important than some random glass breaking again in their apartment. Every object was doomed with Namjoon living here anyway.

On her side of the screen though, (Y/N) had seemed taken aback as she had read the question and had gritted her teeth gently. She had seemed to be pondering about her answer even though a lot of people in her chat were telling her to forget about the question if it made her uncomfortable (a lot were even scolding the person who asked). Yet, sighing softly, she had looked up at the screen: 

“I’d appreciate it if you could refrain from asking questions on this topic. It’s not taboo but I’d rather not remember everything that comes with it. However, to answer this-hopefully-last question about it, I’d ask them to turn off my stream and to stop watching any of my content. It would only be fair after all. I’ve been denied access to their lives six years ago, why would they get a free pass into mine now?” She had not smiled nor had she seemed hurt by her own comment, yet Jimin’s heart had shattered in pieces, unable to press the cancel button. 

Her voice had slowly faded into background noise while her words had been stuck in his head. 

I’d ask them to turn off my stream and to stop watching any of my content. 

How could Jimin ever do that? He realized that he truly should. Namjoon would even agree with you, as ironic as it sounded for Jimin. Namjoon had been one of the most adamant ones about rejecting your bond, after all. Jimin was shaking with bitterness while ‘Moon’ continued her stream peacefully with music. Jimin could only try to gulp his anger down as he remembered her crumbling features on that fateful day. 

“You’re not our soulmates. This name on our arms means nothing to us. You are nothing to us if not a hindrance. Leave us alone.” 

If Jimin could go back in time, he’d prevent Taehyung from spatting those words at her. Yet, he couldn’t do anything. Playing the scene over and over in his mind wouldn’t change anything. It wouldn’t change that she probably hated them. It wouldn’t change the song she made about them. 

And worst of all, it wouldn’t change the fact that Jimin had let himself believe that their choice had been for the best, trying to console and reassure himself, even if he had already known that it was wrong. Tears were pooling up in his eyes even if none escaped as he finally caught a glimpse of her on the stage. Suddenly brought back to reality after his subconscious memory trip, Jimin finally connected back to the world, looking around while he was still frozen on his spot. People were still screaming around him and he wondered if he looked like an intruder. Because, after all, wasn’t that what he exactly was? She said it herself that she didn’t wish for them to watch her; so what was he doing here? 

Jimin couldn’t help but stare; she looked ethereal, dressed like a queen in the middle of a sold-out arena. People were screaming her name as she yelled her infamous ‘hi people’. It was an opening sentence that Jimin heard way too many times in her vlogs and suddenly hearing it in real life seemed surreal. 

Jimin could only watch in awe, entranced with her everything. 

Screw the boys and what they would think once he’d be back from her concert. 

He had been the one to find her six years ago anyway. He had been the one to bring her to their home six years ago, hoping for the boys to change their mind once they’d meet her.

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Uploaded : 09/04/2021

Taglist: @sweetmoonlight9, @mickmoon, @dreamer95, @loveyoongles, @spicetouched , @jikooksgirl19, @summerevelyn , @springjade , @clevercoley, @prooteus, @sehun096rainbow, @ainsle-e, @ifyouareme, @sunshinee0-0, @fangirl125reader, @sea-nevermind-enthusiast, @atlantis-atlas, @thequeen-kat, @naajix, @skyys-universe , @sichajeon , @yukiehyukie, @amxranthinesworld , @bunzom, @potate-oh, @mawwnsterr​, @ celaenaelentiyavox, @dvoz-writes​ , @honeybaby-94​ ,

[sokkastyles]

In your last post you talked a lot about how Zuko respects Iroh. Could you give some examples of that? Because I'm feeling like Zuko doesn't really respect anyone, he (understandably) has an ego and thinks he's above everyone, even if he's working on

It is such a shame that Avatar: The Last Airbender (2005) was cancelled after two episodes.

Lol, now that I've got that out of my system, I'm gonna assume you aren't just a troll and treat this like you actually want a serious answer, because it gives me an opportunity to meta about Zuko and Iroh's relationship.

I would say that the Zuko we are introduced to has a pretty big ego, yeah, and thinks he's above everyone else. He's incredibly disrespectful to most everyone he meets, including his long-suffering uncle. When I started the show I knew through cultural osmosis that Zuko would get redeemed, and from the first episode I was like "alright, I'm ready to see how the show is gonna make me like this asshole." I especially did have a negative reaction to the way he treats Iroh in the beginning, because Iroh is one of the first characters I loved. I also was sympathetic to Iroh because I'm an adult, and an adult who works with kids. If any of my students said to me some of the stuff that Zuko says to Iroh I'd be like, yeah, okay, detention for you young man.

It's also pretty clear from early on though that Zuko's ego comes from a deep insecurity and low self-esteem. That doesn't make the things he does any better, and yes he is incredibly disrespectful to Iroh, especially when Iroh contradicts him about his mission. That's also related to his deep insecurity and trauma surrounding his father, of course, because Zuko needs to believe that he can win back his father's acceptance to cope with what his father did to him, but that doesn't excuse it.

He says some incredibly nasty things to Iroh. In the first episode we see him respond angrily when Iroh won't teach him more advanced firebending, and Zuko responds, as he does several times, by trying to imitate his father's brand of coercion and intimidation. Iroh is like, not impressed, and he puts up with a lot of crap from Zuko but he also doesn't let it get to him because he's a responsible adult and he wants to support Zuko in the way he can. Which also means telling him off sometimes because dude.

Zuko thinks Iroh is lazy and a failure, and resents the fact that Iroh is keeping him from what he says he is "more than ready" for, and tries to bully Iroh when he doesn't get his way, but then we see in the third episode, "The Southern Air Temple," Zuko's fight with Zhao. We see that for all Zuko's complaining about Iroh's teaching, he does what Iroh taught him to do, he sticks to his basics, and he wins. Iroh says that Zuko is honorable and we see that Zuko appreciates Iroh's support. It's also implied by the way Zhao mentions humiliating Zuko in front of his uncle that Zuko wants Iroh to be proud of him, that it's obvious to Zhao how close they are.

Another example of the show letting us know that Zuko cares more about his uncle than he lets on is when he threatens to leave Iroh behind in "Winter Solstice" but then comes back for him to find him gone, and goes out of his way to search for him, even setting aside his hunt for Aang. Zuko fights the earthbenders to save Iroh and Iroh compliments his form, to which Zuko says Iroh taught him well. This episode does a lot to develop Zuko as a character and his relationship with Iroh because not only do we see that Zuko cares for his uncle, but that, contrary to his rudeness and dismissiveness in episode one, Zuko does respect Iroh as a teacher and a bender.

There's a lot of examples like this where Zuko says one thing but does another, because Zuko is a character who, at the beginning of the story, carries a lot of cognitive dissonance and guards his real feelings about things. His relationship with Iroh is an example. This isn't very surprising because it's pretty common in child psychology. Especially with kids who have been abused, they will rebel against an authority figure and push back in any way they can to see if they can find a breaking point. Iroh's endlessly patient and supportive but solid and firm presence is something Zuko is not used to and doesn't know how to deal with. But it's very clear that Zuko relies on Iroh as a father and mentor, even when Zuko doesn't realize it yet.

"The Avatar State" in another episode that shows how much Zuko relies on Iroh. At the beginning of the episode Zuko is sitting apart and it's implied that he's not happy with Iroh relaxing and getting a massage, but Zuko also opens up to Iroh about his feelings about his father. Zuko also is dismissive and rude to Iroh again in this episode, criticizing Iroh for collecting shells and also insulting Iroh when Iroh contradicts him about going with Azula, but then Zuko is happy when Iroh goes with him to Azula's ship, and we get that flash of the image of Ozai with his hand on Zuko's shoulder. This tells us that Zuko sees Iroh as the kind of mentor figure that he wishes his father were, even if, again, Zuko doesn't quite realize this yet. There are many other examples like this where Zuko is frustrated by not getting Iroh's approval on something because he wants Iroh to be proud of him. Like when he steals the teapot and gives it to Iroh and Iroh is not interested in stolen items. Zuko's clearly hurt by not having Iroh's approval, which is a big part of why he left Iroh, and Iroh knows that Zuko is struggling to find himself but also still needs his support.

Then you have "Bitter Work," the lightning bending, and Zuko's look of total admiration when Iroh is bending lightning and teaching Zuko a move that he invented himself. Like I said before, it's clear that Zuko respects Iroh as a powerful bender. This is also echoed in that scene in the book two finale when Iroh is about to breathe fire and Zuko has this look of "wow my uncle is going to beat you so bad this is going to be great!"

There's also a lot of little stuff in the Ba Sing Se arc that show that Zuko respects Iroh and values him as a mentor figure. He lets Iroh do his hair for his date with Jin! It looks terrible! Zuko has no idea how to behave on a date so he's like um, uncle said to give you this coupon! Look how smart my uncle is! Of course the culmination of that arc is Zuko's fever and his awakening which gives him a renewed respect for Iroh, and he actually makes an effort to show Iroh how much he values him. He still betrays Iroh in Ba Sing Se but it's not the "I hate you and you smell!" thing that the play portrays it as. One of the reasons Zuko was so confused there was because he felt like his uncle was telling him contradictory things, and he couldn't reconcile his uncle's wisdom with what he'd been taught to believe by Ozai.

But it's finally losing Iroh as that pillar of support that makes Zuko truly realize how much he does value his uncle. It still takes him a while to get there, and he again pushes back against Iroh when Iroh won't talk to him in prison and blames him for his own internal turmoil. But when he does finally get there, it's such a slap in the face to Ozai that Zuko on the Day of Black Sun tells him to his face that Iroh is his real father, that Zuko is going to fall to his knees and beg for Iroh's forgiveness, because Zuko has realized that Iroh is the one who really deserves his respect. Not only does Zuko tell Ozai that he, in fact, did not teach him anything about respect, but the respect Ozai tried to get from his son through cruelty and control is something Zuko will freely give to Iroh.

Then Zuko spends the next several episodes constantly talking about how great Iroh is, how much he misses him, how good he is at making tea and telling jokes, how wise he is, and what an ass he, Zuko, had been to him. He follows Iroh's advice and humbles himself because Iroh always said he didn't think things through enough, he works hard to make himself into someone his uncle would be proud of. Then when he does meet Iroh again he asks for forgiveness, but he says that even if Iroh won't forgive him he would try to make it up to him. He's completely humbled himself and it's so satisfying because it's the fulfilment of their relationship arc, and you can feel the love and respect that these two characters have for each other. And it's directly meant to contrast with what Ozai said about respect, because Ozai is full of shit.

And then Zuko just like automatically assumes that Iroh will be the Fire Lord and Iroh's like "Zuko did you forget that you are the crown prince?" And Zuko, bless his heart, is like "but I made so many mistakes."

I'm sorry, but if you're gonna keep arguing that Zuko, at this point, still "thinks he's above everyone else" then you are just being willfully obtuse.

Not to mention the fact that Zuko's crowning moment as Fire Lord is him giving a speech about how he wants to serve others, to heal the world, and even the applause and praise that he, in the beginning, wanted from others is something he doesn't accept. He tells everyone that Aang is the real hero. And Aang is a hero but like, Zuko is a hero, too, by showing heroic qualities like being selfless and humble and caring towards others. And then his last scene is not him as Fire Lord, but serving tea to everyone dressed in Earth Kingdom clothes.

And who does he serve tea to first? Uncle.

[cdroloisms]

yk, I always thought of c!dream to perfectly fit the saying “the road to hell is paved with good intentions.” and every time I think about it I get even sadder send hepl

hello !! it’s been a bit, so sorry anon, but ty for ur patience :D 

but yeah !! that saying REALLY fits c!dream - he’s someone that has done a lot of awful, unjustifiable things, but they were all for a Reason, as much as people like to think otherwise. he’s said so before, repeatedly - it’s all for a vision of the smp as it “used to be,” one “giant family” that can be happy again. and obviously, what he does isnt right, and will never be right - but in the end it’s all in a very twisted attempt to find a home he lost, which makes his character all the more twisted and tragic, yknow? 

sometimes i wonder what an earlier dream would say, after seeing how far he’s fallen, which is what really led to this oneshot - it’s a bit messy, but i like it nonetheless. c!dream is a disaster that makes me Very Sad 

tw: derealization, implied torture, hallucinations, injuries, dark content, mentioned abuse, manipulation, emotional distress, implied suicide, panic attacks, self-hatred  

“Was it worth it?”

Dream blinks, looks up; this is new. He’s no stranger to hallucinations, of course - they’d started somewhere around the first week or two of solitary, and had only grown in frequency and duration as time went on, but this has never happened before.

The figure standing - well, sitting in front of him is hazy at the edges, indistinct, little more than a splash of green and grey, blown out at the edges by the bright white highlights from the lava lighting them from behind. Even so, Dream is all too familiar with the craftsmanship of the iron armor they wear, with the bright green hoodie tucked underneath that he’d once worn like a second skin. The figure’s face turns just enough to catch the slightest sliver of a mask.

“Well?”

“You’re me,” Dream says - breathes, really, his throat too sore for the words to be much more than a labored exhale. The other Dream turns, the lava throwing shifting shapes in orange and red all over his chestplate, his mouth visible and pulled into a frown underneath the bottom edge of the mask. Dream touches the cracked surface of the one sitting on his own face reflexively, feeling the jagged hole on its left side surrounding his eye, the edge pulled over his chin to keep as much of his face obscured as possible.

“Well, I mean,” the other Dream’s hands come to the edges of his mask, easing it over to the side of his face in a practiced motion; his eyes burn brilliantly in the dark room, green and furious and bright. “I wouldn’t exactly say that, now.”

Dream knows that this man isn’t him - well, isn’t him anymore, doesn’t have the burn scars that trail all over his body, doesn’t know the feeling of his stomach turning itself inside out in pain and emptiness, doesn’t know how it feels to have an axe dragged painfully, slowly over his skin over and over and over and over until he’s screamed his throat raw. This is the ghost of a man that has not lived and died a million times, that does not know the feeling of blood on his hands better than he does kindness, that can think of other faces and feel something other than shattered ribs and remembered pain.

“Was it worth it?” The other Dream watches him, eyebrows furrowed, insistent. It’s hard to remember that this was once him, that he has a face made of skin and muscle and bone instead of porcelain and leather even with the bruises and dried blood beneath his mask reminding him otherwise. The expressions on his face, the ones that must be on Dream’s own face, feel foreign, like they belong to someone that isn’t him. Maybe that’s the point.

“You’ll need to get more specific,” Dream’s voice cracks, throat protesting at the strain pulling at the still healing wounds from within it. Dream takes the pain, boxes it up, files it away; he’s becoming pretty good at that. “Was what worth it?”

The other man throws his arm out in an arc, gestures vaguely at the entire cell. “This! All of this- this prison, what you did to Tommy, what you did on Doomsday, what you did in the vault.” His words burn with a dangerous fury, and Dream closes his eyes. It’s not real. It’s not real. “You ruined everything! You destroyed our home! Everything is gone and it’s all your fault!”

“Don’t-” Dream’s voice cracks, shatters in on itself, and he swallows around the pain and pushes on. “Don’t act like you wouldn’t do the exact same thing as me.”

The other man scoffs, a fiery light dancing in his pupils. “As if. This is all your fault. You didn’t have to exile the kid. You didn’t have to blow up the community house. And you sure as hell didn’t have to manipulate a fucking teenager, you sick fuck.”

The voice morphs, overlays with the echoes of voices he hasn’t heard in what feels like an eternity. His back burns, stings; his head pounds furiously and threatens to plunge his world into darkness. Through it all, green eyes stare at him, twin flames in his ever blurrier vision, looking for all the world like a god handing down judgment.

“You know you would,” Dream mutters, each word dropping and shattering on the ground like broken glass, “if you had to sit in here for just a chance at bringing them together, you would. If you had to burn the whole damn server down for them, you wouldn’t hesitate.”

The other Dream shakes his head, teeth bared. “Don’t you dare pretend that you did this for them. Don’t you dare pretend that you don’t deserve this.”

I deserve this. I know, I know, I know. “But you would.”

The hallucination’s shoulders rise, fall; it’s hazy, shimmering from the heat, but the eyes glow ethereally and feel more real than anything in the cell.

“You’re an idiot, you know?” He laughs, and Dream tastes iron and ash and salt. “You’re so fucking stupid. You- you thought that the problem was Tommy. You blamed everything on Tommy because you couldn’t see him as anything other than the person that ruined our server and you’re so fucking stupid.”

The voice distorts, echoes in on itself; a half-hearted whisper of wrong wrong wrong rises in Dream’s mind and melts under the fury of the other’s glare. The image shimmers, shifts, and the other Dream- is he even Dream, anymore? - smiles humorlessly, stepping closer. It’s not real, Dream knows, because the image is hazy and flat and wrong but his mind echoes with the sound of shoes scuffed against obsidian and a netherite blade dragging against stone and the book, Dream, and we’ll stop-

“The real problem was you. It was always you. You were the one that ruined the server, you were the one that blew up the community house, you were the one that destroyed L’manburg. You are the one that everyone hates, that everyone fears. You are the villain, Dream, a monster. You’ve always been a monster. Now that you’re gone? The server is finally at peace. You were the problem.”

“And- well, Dream,” The figure leans over, lips right by Dream’s ear, and when they speak their voice is sweet-sharp, all-too-familiar. Quackity. “I guess you should’ve fuckin’ offed yourself when you had the chance.”

He flinches back, eyes squeezing shut, hands scrabbling around his neck. His lungs heave and he tries to suck in air but he can’t there is lava in his chest like everything inside has been torn apart like the words have ripped through him like he’s no more than wet paper and he chokes and stutters on the exhale and it’s not real it’s not real it’s not-

(That night, long after Quackity leaves with a fresh bouquet of bloodstain blooms splattered over his shirt like a field of blooming poppies, after the Warden leaves from forcing another round of health potions down his throat, Dream curls around his ribs in the back corner of his room, watching the lava fall.

Was it worth it?

He laughs, low, bitter, every inch of him feeling scaped raw and open and hollow, thinking of a world without himself in it, of a sky and earth and family with the ugly parts cut neatly away. He thinks he must be a wither skeleton, watching as everything his fingertips touch crumbles away into black rot and ash, breathes in and out and hears the same echoing rattle from deep within his chest. Was it worth it?

It must’ve been, he tells himself, even as the sound of a drop of brilliant purple magic falling against the obsidian makes his muscles seize, leaves him cowering under a blow that does not come. It must’ve been worth it, because-

What was this all for, if it wasn’t?)

[shoutogepi]

Pull of the Moon

Kirishima Eijirou

word count : 7.8k

[ ✘ (nsfw!), werewolf!au ]  

themes : masturbation, licking/biting, dom!Kiri, rough sex, dirty talk, slight choking, friends to lovers, confession

bio : Eijirou makes sure he’s far away from you for when the heat cycle strikes, but just when he thinks your friendship is safe from his monstrous hormones, there you are at his doorstep.

author’s note : so this is a fic that i wrote years ago for my kpop blog, linked in my bio. i wanted to repost it here for bnha, just bc i like the way i wrote it and i think it’s pretty fitting character-wise for Kiri! plus im a slut for werewolf fics. and also i wanted to post something while work is keeping me from writing something 100% new rn :3 pls note this is NOT plagiarized as I am the original author of the original fic.

side note : if there are any places where it says Jae, Jaebum, etc. lemme know bc it was a quick job i did converting this to a Kiri fic lol like even the title is the same oops

also available on AO3 here

   ─── ・°* ﾟ✧:* • ｡ﾟ:*･☽･*: ｡ﾟ•*:✧ ﾟ*°・ ───

“🅂o you’re sure you have to leave for tonight, Y/N?” Kirishima inquires, tilting his head in his open palm to crane his bright gaze up toward your face.  

“Yeah, I don’t think I can get out of visiting my parents for dinner this time,” you reply, tucking a piece of hair behind your ear as you cuddle your chin into the warmth of Kirishima’s oversized scarf. The soft fabric grazes under your nose, and your eyes close blissfully as you inhale Kirishima’s strong, spicy aroma mingled with his cologne.

Kirishima watches you through slitted eyes, secretly pleased at your actions. Not that he would ever tell you, because that would be weird. He shuts his eyes tightly, telling himself in his head not to overthink it. Of course you like how he smells, he’s your friend. Friends like how each other smell… right? His body shivers as your fingers naturally slide into his thick, red hair. His face slides down as his body turns to jello, leaning completely on top of the table in complete euphoria at the feeling of your touch. If there was a price to have your hands on him for every hour of the day, he would pay it a thousand times over. His lips part as his jaw instinctively unhinges at your undivided attention like a newborn puppy, chin angling when your fingers slide down to the side of his jaw you brush just underneath it before pulling away.  

“Eiji, I really do have to go,” you murmur, fingers retreating from his form as he lets out a low whine. One of his warm eyes opens, scowling at you playfully.

“Okay,” he sighs when you push out your chair and begin to gather your things. He places some money on the table before following you out of the coffee shop. “I’m jealous, please bring me some of your mom’s noodles. You know how much I like them, and her.“

“I will Eiji. But you’re lucky you’re not coming, because all they ever do is gush about what a cute couple we’d be and it always ends up being weird,” you trail off, nodding to yourself.

Kirishima nods too but his heart jumps at you thinking of him as an intimate partner.

“By the way, thanks for the latte. And tell Mina hello for me when you see her tonight,” you laugh with a suggestive wink.

Kirishima rolls his eyes. “You know I’m only spending the night with her to help her with her… issues."

You smack his arm and scoff. “As if that’s a burden to you! At least you’re spending the night having fun. I’m just gonna be answering the million questions my parents will be asking about you the whole time and falling asleep in my bed by myself."

“It’s not my fault I’m so lovable,” he banters, a cheeky grin splicing between his lips, trying to shake the image of you alone in bed out of his imaginative mind.

“Say that to you baku-squad,” you retort, the two of you now standing in front of the cafe as you linger before your journey to the bus station.

“Hey— wait, is that my scarf?” Kirishima asks, pretending to notice just now when he really did the moment you walked in two hours ago. But you looked so cute all bundled up in his scarf that he decided not to say anything, content to see you warm and happy in his own clothing.

“Huh? Oh, yeah,” you unwrap it from your neck and Kirishima gazes at the newly-revealed skin there with longing, forgetting about the scarf. “Eiji?"

He snaps out of it. “What? Oh— the scarf.. Keep it, I was just teasing,” he mumbles as you hook the material around the back of his neck. He’s considerably tall, massive frame towering over you so much that you have to strain your arms to fling the material onto his shoulders.

“That’s okay Eiji... you look cute in it, so wear it for Mina,” you smile half-heartedly, tugging the fabric at the ends to coil around his throat snugly. “Don’t worry about me."

“I always worry about you, Y/N,” Kirishima gazes into your eyes with a passionate longing undetectable to you. Not Mina, he wants to add.

“Well, don’t, Red, I’ll be okay. I always am,” you trace his jaw slowly with a finger before your hands fall at your sides, brushing off your coat.  

Kirishima nods hesitantly, falling into a quiet, comfortable pace beside you.  

Your boots quickly become cold as the two of you trudge through the slush from leftover snow, the bitter winter breeze chilling your nose and ears. Sooner than either of you would like, you’ve reached the bus station. Kirishima shuffles from foot to foot, arguing with himself as to if he should ask you to stay and have dinner with him instead of going on the hour-long ride to your parents’.  

“Are you sure this is okay? You don’t want me to come with you? Or I can drive you. The roads aren’t that great tonight… Mina will understand. She doesn’t— We’re not dating, you know— me and her, I mean, I only… help her as a friend.. So I can cancel, and she won’t have any issues. She has lots of other guy friends,” Kirishima reasons.

“Eiji,” you chuckle, taking your duffel bag from his hand that he’d carried for the journey here, “Mina needs you.”

But I need you, Kirishima thinks as he bites his lip. “Okay… have a safe ride then. And text me when you get there.”  

“Yes, Dad,” you laugh. You slip into his arms easily, almost naturally, and press your face against his chest beneath his wool jacket.  

Kirishima’s arms encircle you immediately, instinctively pulling you to him as his chin falls atop the crown of your head. “I’ll miss you,” he breathes.

“Don’t be weird, Eiji,” you giggle, pulling away from him much too soon for his liking. “See you tomorrow.”  

Kirishima watches you walk into the bus terminal, duffel bag in your hand with his heart unknowingly tucked deep inside of it.

Kirishima paces back and forth between the couch and the dining table. His nerves are shaky and his body uncharacteristically twitchy. He’d been smelling female wolves around the city all day while he was out with you, but he managed to ward them off with icy glares and his steel-strong self-control. It also helped that you were there to distract him, seeing as when he wasn’t with you, you were the only thing on his mind. But now that he was alone— Mina had cancelled on him to spend the night with an “old friend” that had come back to town— and he was all by himself, he was feeling the full effects of the female wolf hormones he’d breathed in for the past twelve hours.

He closes his eyes as his mind wanders to the image of you wrapped up in his scarf in the cafe; the warm scent of coffee; the condensation on the windows; your light-filled eyes on him; the scent of your freshly-washed hair… He opens his eyes, tongue running over his front teeth as he feels the evident, sharp prod of his elongated cuspids as a result of his piqued interest. He groans, feeling his eyes dilate just the slightest of fractions. He sits on the floor, sliding down the wall with a frown on his plump lips.

Kirishima watches the hands of the clock tick on the wall in front of him for a moment before he shuts his eyes and smacks his head back against the drywall, a loud whine releasing from his throat. The apartment lacks of things that could possibly captivate his attention at the moment; all he can do is think about you— your pretty face, your gentle caress on his skin just hours before. There are no messages from you and his sensitive ears long to hear the chime notification that signifies your safe arrival.  

“Just friends,” he murmurs, “just friends, just friends, just friends."

He tries to breathe in deeply to relax himself, but success quickly slips through his grasp as the scent of you lingers on the scarf casually thrown over the back of the sofa. His jaw clenches as his teeth gnash, taking in your alluring aroma. He tries to think of something— anything else, but he eventually gives up, slamming his palms flat on the hardwood floor as he pushes himself up. He lunges toward the couch, throwing himself onto the open cushions as his hands immediately find the soft cotton. He brings the material to his nose, a low moan falling from his open mouth as the intense smell floods his senses.

“Fuck,” he murmurs, readjusting his hips as he feels his body reacting swiftly to the pull of your scent. He hisses lightly as he feels the blood rush to his pants, wiggling his hips around to feel the delicious friction against his hardening erection. He rubs the inside of his thigh gently with his palm, imagining your small hand instead of his on his jean-clad length. “God, this is so fucked,” he gasps, grip strengthening on himself through his jeans. Originally his plan for the evening consisted of fucking Mina senseless and imagining it was you, but seeing as she had cancelled, this was the next best option.  

Kirishima fumbles with his belt and shimmies out of his jeans, ripping his constrictive t-shirt over his head and whipping it elsewhere into the living room. He kicks the denim off from around his ankles next, one hand holding the soft fabric of the scarf close to his nose and the other trailing toward his throbbing hard-on from the bend of his knee; how he imagines your hand would do.

A feral grunt dislodges from the back of his throat as he pictures your hair falling around your perfectly cherubic face that leans down toward his own, one hand pressing his chest down against the couch cushion and the other hand on his thigh tracing the outline of his cock straining against his briefs. His hips jerk as his forefinger runs from tip to base, his thumb sliding backwards over the previous route to caress the head of his dick gently in circular swipes. He seals his lips together by sucking in the bottom one, his canines lengthened by arousal piercing the soft flesh of the lower lip so that a metal taste floods his mouth, but he only closes his eyes and continues his ministrations.

Kirishima continues to skim the pads of his fingertips over the prominent erection that pushes against his underwear in defiance, face pressed into the back of the sofa so the cushions catch his heavy moans instead of his neighbors. He halts for a moment so he can find a throw pillow to sink his fangs into, positioning the scarf above his lip and against the pillow so it presses right against his hypersensitive nose. A strangled moan tears from him, his hand immediately returning to his leaking hard-on. It dips underneath the band of his boxers before it wraps around his width, squeezing tight. His body shakes and he sucks in a breath, squirming to lay flat against the leather of the sofa. Slowly he moves his hand up to encompass the head, a heavy snarl being lost into the throw pillow. He strokes himself teasingly, thumb trailing behind to caress the aching tip. His hips push into the cushion as his body moves to a natural rhythm, thrusting them up slightly as his fist falls back down toward his abdomen. The thick precum dribbling from his tip lathers his palm so his cock slides into it easily. His eyelashes tickle his high cheekbones as his eyes shut tighter, fingertips tracing the prominent vein on the underside of his shaft.

The sofa wheezes as he shifts, impatiently pushing his briefs down in one tug to rest on his mid-thighs. He scoots off of the sofa and onto the hardwood floor, kneeling as he places his fist onto the tabletop, lining his hips delicately before sliding his length into his firm grasp. He whimpers into the pillow, now damp with his saliva, and hunches over the table, his free arm curled underneath his broad torso. The fabric of the scarf tickles his nose but he inhales deeper, hips pushing in and out of his fist quickly. He imagines you beneath him instead of the table and his fist, moaning with him as his canines sink into your neck to mark you as his and only his. His destitute wails are swallowed by the soft pillow and the scarf as he keeps thrusting steadily, imagination running so wildly he can almost feel your legs on either side of him, pushing him further inside of you.

“Oh, Y/N,” he grunts, cuspids fully lengthened and sharpened now in desire, piercing the soft fabric of the pillow almost enough so his bottom and top teeth could touch through the plush object,” Y/N, I’m gonna—“

Knock knock knock.

Kirishima’s body stills as he opens his eyes, disappointment rushing through him at the sight of the coffee table underneath him. He wants to scream, but he just shuts his eyes, taking a breath in before sliding his hard cock out of his fist and tucking the slick inconvenience back into his boxers. His breath is labored and heavy, but he manages to find his jeans and slip them on anyway. “One sec,” he says loudly, fastening the button before hesitantly wiping his hand on the side of the denim. He can’t help but sulk as he walks over and picks his shirt up from the floor, breathing deeply and hoping his canines aren’t too obvious of an indicator as to what he was just doing… not to mention the angrily-pulsing dick resting against the inside of his thigh.  

He strides toward the door, opening it ready to tell Mina he thought she’d cancel when he’s greeted with your sweet face and the scent of Italian food. His jaw almost hits the floor as he gapes at you, dick pressing longingly against his jeans at your familiar smell, but in person it radiates off of you so strong he almost lunges at you. You’re looking up at him with those bright cheerful eyes he loves, a timid smile on your lips as you swing the takeout bag back and forth behind your back in anticipation.  

“Hi, Eiji,” you smile and set the bag on the ground next to the door before you turn around and take his tense body into your arms, throwing yourself onto him.  

A gasp rips from his throat but quickly turns into a cough, body trembling at your singeing touch. His jaw quivers as he conceals his pointed teeth, angling his thigh away from you strategically. “Y-Y/N, w-what are you doing here?” He manages to ask, lips sealing immediately once the words are pushed out.   His hands remain clenched at his sides; he’s scared that if he touches you now he won’t be able to stop.  

“There was a freak accident on the highway ahead of my bus… We had to turn back. My parents don’t mind though, they said we can reschedule. Maybe you won’t need to miss my mom’s noodles this time; you can come if you want. By the way, I brought Italian!” You smile as you pick up the bag and brush past him, leaving him standing there, looking at the door with a glare.

You move around the sofa and sit on one of the leather cushions, setting the bag onto the coffee table. “Ew Eiji,” he sits next to you stiffly, eyes widening as you reach over to the table and poke a finger into the slick trail of precum that had dribbled out of his fist just moments ago. “What is this? Do you ever clean this apartment?” You giggle, unfolding the paper bag the food had come in and wiping your finger on your skirt. “Anyway, I got food from your favorite place and made sure I got the breadsticks with the extra sauce ‘cause I know you lov—“

A quiet groan escapes Kirishima’s mouth as he puts his head in his hands— your scent, your alluring body, your heart-swelling gaze, just you, being here—it’s too much for his raging hormones.  

“Ei? Are you okay?” You ask, scooting closer and pressing the back of your hand to his forehead. He’s shaking and you don’t know why, so you bring his head to rest against your collar, just above your fluttering heart. “Eiji, you’re burning up…”  

He stays pressed against you, the desperation and torture he felt earlier suddenly fleeting and gone from his body as your own erases them completely. He swallows. It feels so good, but he knows it’s wrong. This is wrong when you’re just his friend and his dick is leaking into his underwear for you as you hold him like this.

“Get out,” Kirishima murmurs, eyes set on the paper bag.  

You still, slowly pulling him. “W-What Eiji?”  

“You need to leave,” he says through his teeth, jaw set tight.  

“Eijirou.. I don’t understand— is this how you treat someone when they bring you your favorite food?” You spit, hands curling into frustrated fists.

Kirishima ignores you, knowing he can apologize tomorrow when he’s in the right mindset but you being here with him at the moment could jeopardize your entire relationship.

“I… Is it… her? Is it Mina?” You murmur, and Kirishima’s gaze turns to you sharply at the drop in your tone. His lips part to say something to soothe your confidence as he sees it shatter. “I didn’t realize— I thought—” you breathe in sharply and shake your head, shooting up from your spot and rushing around the sofa.  

Kirishima beats you to the door, palm reaching over your shoulder to slam it just as you can get it open a sliver. He grabs your biceps, spinning you around and pressing you against the door with his hand as a cushion to break your impact.

“It’s never been Mina,” he snarls, knee splitting your legs and sliding up the gap between your thighs to press against your core; your panties and his jeans the only thing separating your center from his skin.

Your eyes widen and you gasp as his hands cup your face with care, scarlet eyes searing into your own with an intensity you’d never seen before. His pupils are dilating with every second, a black coal seemingly swallowed up by the burning fire of his irises.

“It’s you, Y/N,” he murmurs, eyes shutting into a long blink, and when they open again the red you’re used to is flooded with tendrils of electric amber and yellow. “It’s always been you, and it’ll always be you.”

You gape at him as he holds you there, against his front door, professing his love to you.

“I need you Y/N, I need you so bad it fucking hurts not being able to touch you,” he growls lowly. “If you can’t love me back, you have to leave, now. I don’t want your lust, I can smell it from here,” his honeyed eyes roll back as he takes in a whiff of the wanton-perfumed air around you, mouth parting and you watch his pink tongue slide over his elongated canines, feeling a tremor between your legs. His eyes open and they set straight on yours with a certain determination. 

“I can’t wake up next to you tomorrow and have tonight be just for friends with benefits. I love only you, Y/N,” Kirishima delivers, voice never quivering,“now tell me you feel the same, or go.”

There’s a slight fragility in his gaze that begs you not to break his heart. He peers into you at such a small distance that you can see every brilliant fleck of gold in his sinful eyes, warm ginger bursting around the outer ridges of his irises that focus solely on you. The dim lighting casts stretched shadows from his long, dark lashes; his bronzed skin glowing subtly to intensify his passionate gaze.

“Kirishima,” you place a hand on his clenched but trembling jaw, tilting your face to look him in the eye better. “You’ve been hurting all this time for no reason.”  

His scarlet gaze lights with hope and happiness. “Say it then,” he whispers, words soft and nearly begging, as if he fears if his voice is too loud he’ll wake from a dream.

“Kirishima Eijirou, I love you, too. God, I have beein in love with you for so long,” you reply, and he wastes no time as his mouth descends upon yours. He presses your lips to his passionately, hands resting on your hips and rubbing the smooth skin there underneath your blouse. You gasp as they guide your hips gently in circles against his kneecap, your mouth falling open at his forward actions. He takes advantage of your open mouth and darts his tongue in, tangling it with yours in a powerful embrace.  

His steady clutch on your waist drags your body up his clothed thigh, and a soft, unabashed moan falls from your lips at the action. The taut muscle of his leg between his jeans and your panties rubs graciously against your flustered center, making your head loll back to rest against the door.  

“Don’t do that,” Kirishima groans, a hand leaving your warm hip and tilting your head forward once again to look at him directly. His fingers trail against your smooth neck, feeling the rapid pulse beneath the tender skin. His palm curls softly around the back of your neck, pressing you closer to him as his other arm hooks underneath your bottom. You squeak in surprise and cling to him, legs wrapping around his midsection and core pressing upon his rigid erection.  

You look at him with wide eyes as he throws his head back, sucking in air harshly between his clenched jaw. “Fuck, yes,” he hisses, holding you tighter and stalking over to the sofa. He places you in between the two cushions, standing in front of you and looking down, breathing laboriously before he tilts his head back again, willing for some kind of miraculous strength to get him through the night without sealing you to him forever.

“How come you get to do that and I don’t?” You frown as he looks down at you before he crouches, his face dropping just below your own to gaze up at you.  

“Because you don’t have the urge to sink your three-centimeter canines into my throat,” his upper lip curls back as he shows you the result of his attraction to you.  

You look at him with unintentionally pouted lips, batting your eyelashes as you take in his words. Isn’t that how werewolves marry or something? You think. Kirishima had explained it all once before, one night when you were both wasted at three in the morning at some bar on the outskirts of the city.  

“God, can you look unattractive for one second while I try to pull myself together?” Kirishima groans, a hand running through his disheveled hair.

“Who said I want you to pull yourself together?” You inquire, scooting toward the lip of the cushion.  

Kirishima looks at you warily with an underlying, longing hunger before you place your hands on either side of his sharp jaw and bring his lips to yours. Your eyes close immediately and his blissfully, your hands gliding down his neck to his broad chest. You grapple onto his wide shoulders, one hand burying into the hair at the base of his neck to push him into the kiss even more.  

His throat vibrates gently with an almost-inaudible growl, and you part his tender lips with a swipe of your tongue, the pink muscle coasting in and gently feeling the warm, smooth hardness of his cuspids.

Kirishima untucks your blouse in one pull, fingers nimbly undoing each button before sliding the clothing off your shoulders and tossing it away. His hands lay strategically on your ribs, fingertips brushing the underwire of your bra just barely.  

He pulls you forward into his arms, hands splaying onto your back with delight, fingers undoing the fastening between your shoulder blades with glee. You lean into him as he flings the bra in the direction of the blouse, mouth instantly latching to your breast and tongue twirling around the swollen bud. You wail, pushing him closer as his teeth bump against your nipple and his lips grow taut with a warm smirk, depraved gaze intense as ever.

You want more than ever to throw your head back onto the top of the sofa, but you know you’re forbidden to do so. Instead, you slide your body further down onto the cushions, hips brushing against Kirishima’s torso as his mouth leaves your nipples, your face coming to a stop directly in front of his. Your hands cup his angular jaw again, coaxing his lips onto yours into an ardent kiss. His long eyelashes flutter against your blushed cheeks, his coarse hair drifting softly through your digits.  

His hands land on your rolling hips, scuttling closer on his knees so his crotch feels the steady rhythm. He hums, a primitive trembling in his throat that sounds more like a soft growl. Your hands fall to the hem of his snug t-shirt, which he gladly expels into the corner toward your blouse and bra. You lean back a bit and admire his toned form. His broad chest, pectorals curving dramatically to his wide shoulders seamlessly; the v shape tapering down to the top of his jeans; the faint trail of dark hair waning below the brass button to his jeans; the way his abdominal muscles flex with each heavy breath; the salient outline against his thigh that both he and you know aches for your attention.  

You can’t help yourself. You reach between his strong thighs, fingers skimming along the bulge mockingly. Kirishima’s head rolls full circle, hand clutching your wrist tightly as he stares into you, lips parting and hot pink tongue gliding along his white, sharp teeth. “That was very naughty of you,” he murmurs, honeyed eyes darkening to a burnt orange. Trepidation ignites in your heart, but also desire floods your senses as well as your panties.  

“Eijirou,” you breathe and his lip curls back into a snarl, a loud growl releasing from his throat. His nostrils flare and he swallows harshly.  

“Say it again,” he orders, leaning into your face.

“E-Eijirou,” it comes out as a whisper, but his sensitive ears hear the slight whine to your tone, and his cock jumps at the sound against your eager fingertips. “You like it when I say your name, Eiji?”  

His tongue runs swiftly over his lip, his eyeing your chest hips hungrily. His hand reached forward on its own accord, sliding effortlessly under the soft material of your skirt to press against your warmed, wet panties. His lips curve into a devious smirk, fangs poking out slightly as his dark, copper-tainted eyes set on yours. “Mmm, and you like it when I growl for you, baby girl?”  

“God, yes Eiji,” you answer and gulp at his overwhelming intensity. He trains his gaze to the movement of your fragile throat, tongue flicking around one canine subconsciously. A deep purr of sorts emanates from him in approval, making your legs tremble and press together around his intruding forearm.  

He smiles devilishly, white teeth glinting in the dim lighting. His other hand circles round your back, pushing your tailbone so your body slides forward on the couch, to the very edge of the cushion. His fingers nudge your thong aside, immediately met with your poignant arousal. The tips of his middle and ring finger separate your folds facilely, gliding over your entrance and clit making you bite your lip to hold in an impatient moan. “Oh baby, you’re so wet for me,” he chuckles. “If only we’d figured this out sooner.”

“Eiji, fuck,” you cry when he rubs your clit gently, your jaw trembling as you sag against his arm’s firm hold and the back of the sofa. You can’t throw your head back so you lean forward, elbows falling on Kirishima’s generous shoulders, the side of your face against his soft hair as his tongue guides a pebbled nipple into his mouth, caressing it slowly and pressing it against his teeth. You whimper pathetically, his thumb replacing his fingers as they slide down and glide half-way right into your awaiting entrance.  

He hooks the two fingers and presses repeatedly, making you shove his face closer to your breasts in pleasure. He slides them deeper, knuckles lapping against your slick entrance as his tongue works diligently on your nipple. You clench around him and moan loudly at the depth his fingers achieve, the feeling of total ecstasy near. It had been a long time since a man had touched you, and it was no where near as incredible as having Kirishima’s thick fingers rubbing inside you.

“Eijirou, that feels so—” you warn but he only picks up the pace. He leans down, tongue replacing his thumb smoothly and you almost scream. He strokes your clit fervently, tongue lapping persistently up and down as his long canines brush on either side, his fingers curling and straightening at the same pace. “Fuck Eiji— I’m seriously gonna cum,” you pant, falling back against the back of the sofa.  

He looks up at you mischievously, dark eyes alight with arousal and a touch of humor. You feel his full lips in a smirk as he wraps them around your clit, tongue lavishing it faster. One hand falls to his hair, gripping it tight as the other curls against your mouth, your eyes shutting tight as your orgasm smashes against you like a wave crashing down upon you. You moan, body quivering in Kirishima’s strong grip, wiggling pointlessly against the sofa cushions.  

Kirishima doesn’t cease until you’ve returned from your high, standing up and unfastening his jeans quickly, pushing them down and kicking them off when they reach his ankles. You sit up from your slumped position, hands landing on his thighs and traveling around to rub the backs of them in anticipation. Kirishima watches you hungrily, his thick cock longing for your attention. You lean forward, almost touching where he wants you most, before you look up at him and give him your most innocent doe eyes you can muster after having his sinful session on you just moments before. You bat your lashes and he growls loudly, fists clenching at his sides.  

“Y/N,” he advises, tone a little menacing. You tilt your head and press your lips against his erection through his briefs, a low groan sounding from above you. You kiss down toward the tip and back up to the base of his shaft before you reach up and untuck him, briefs sliding to the hardwood floor. You smirk as you look at what you’ve done to him. His dick is throbbing gently as you rest it against a palm, beads of translucent-white precum adorning the tip of the red, swollen tip. You repeat your kiss trail on his bare skin, his cock twitching at the action as you feel the vein underneath contract harshly. When you reach the base your tongue pokes out, tracing up and down the prominent vein on the underside.  

Kirishima watches you with a dark, maleficent gaze, throat tightening and a growl tumbling out when you take the head into your mouth, sucking teasingly as your tongue dances around the leaking tip. “Fuck yes, baby girl. Just like that."

You retreat with a loud pop, smiling up at him and his heart flutters in his chest at the pureness of it. With an open mouth you glide your tongue along the sides of him to slicken his entire length before your lips encompass the tip and suddenly his dick is touching the back of your throat and you don’t even seem to mind. Kirishima lets out a strangled moan of shock, watching your head bob energetically up and down his hot length. He watches you in awe for a few minutes, just dazed this is really happening and he’s not waking up abruptly like when he’d dreamt this scenario so many nights before.  

He snaps out of it suddenly, aware his cock is tensing the way it does when he’s about to cum. You’d noticed, too, at the feel of the harsh, bulging vein on the under-shaft, slowing down to a halt and leaning back to catch your breath.

“Baby you did so good,” he praises, hands cupping your face and you beam at him proudly. “Now take off your skirt for me.”  

You comply eagerly, shimmying out of the cotton garment, your thong following close behind. Kirishima smugly watches the stings of your arousal snap as your panties are thrown onto the floor, fist stroking his length slowly to keep himself at bay.

“Turn,” he instructs, other hand guiding you to face away from him,” knees on the couch, now.”  

You do as told, looking back at him over your shoulder expectantly. He smiles and steps forward, and your back arches as you feel his length glide against your dripping entrance.  

“Be a good girl for me, okay? Do not let me get anywhere near your throat, got it? If I do, I’ll sink my teeth into you so fast you won’t know what’s happening. And then you’re stuck with me for life. So watch out for yourself, baby. This is your only warning,” he murmurs, lips brushing the shell of your ear before a hand lands on your hip and suddenly he’s pushing into you, a gasp tearing from your throat as he stretches you to your capacity. When his hips bump against your ass your eyes have already rolled back in delirium, your lip falling open in shock.  

He pulls out half-way before sheathing back inside slowly, a whine releasing from your mouth. His hand remains on your hip while the other grabs a fistful of your hair, trailing out again before snapping in. The tip of his cock nestles so deep in you that tears dot along your bottom lashes; the feeling is so blissful and fulfilling that your emotions skyrocket.  

“Eijirou— oh, yes,” you whimper as he repeats the action, movements still paced and measured to help you adjust to his size.

“Feel good, baby? ‘Cuz this feels amazing for me— you feel amazing on me, Y/N,” he grunts, fingers gripping the skin of your hip tighter as he angles your face so he can see it with his other hand.  

“Yes, fuck yes, you feels so good,” you commend as the pace intensifies, making a moan spill out of you. He groans from behind you, letting go of your hair and placing his hand on your other hip to keep you steady. You clutch onto the top of the sofa tightly as he pounds into you, and you gasp as a hand leaves your hip for a moment and delivers a sharp smack to your ass, making your back arch into Kirishima’s grasp. You’re babbling now, your entire body thrumming with pleasure. “Oh god—ohgodohgodohgodohgod.”

Kirishima hisses as he watches the bright pink mark on your ass cheek tremble as his hips slam against yours, bottom lip tucked under his offending cuspids. He licks his lip to keep from drooling onto you, eyes trained on your perfect figure that he’s fucking into the sofa. Pleasure courses through his body, intensified at the sound and obvious proof of your own satisfaction as he thrusts into you quickly.  

“Again,” you lament softly, and if he hadn’t been a werewolf with keen hearing he wouldn’t have heard your request over the assaulting sound of your skin slapping against his. He delivers and slaps your other cheek sharply, a lustful mix between a gasp and a moan escaping you.  

“Fuck, you’re so sexy, baby,” Kirishima admires, smirking as you turn slightly to look at him. He grabs your shoulder and pulls your torso back, slamming it against his as his other hand wraps around your throat snugly to stop his innate temptation to leave his mark there. The other hand leaves your arm and instead bands around your waist, pressing you flush against him. His hips retreat and pound into you in the new position, and you rest your head back onto his shoulder since your neck is safe from his view with his large hand covering it.

You stare into each other as he continues, and you move your hips back as he moves his in, making each thrust more powerful. His lips find yours and they mould easily, your hand coming up to caress his jaw and press his face closer to yours.

“Eiji, your cock feels so good,” you pant between his kisses and potent strokes, “God, you’re so big.”

“Mmm, I love when you talk dirty to me,” Kirishima murmurs against your mouth, a bead of sweat trickling down the side of his face.  

It’s fucked up but his tight hold on your throat is only turning you on more, making your eyes close as each thrust feels better than the last.

“Fuck, Ei,” you groan, slouching back against his toned form as the pleasure is too great.  

“Here, baby,” he says, cock slipping out of you before picking you up, walking briskly out of the common space and into a hallway, then finally into his bedroom. He shuts the door with his foot, laying you gently onto his messy bedsheets and blankets. He rolls you over onto your stomach before he climbs on top of you, hovering above you before he slips back in with ease.  

You moan and tuck your face into the sheets that smell like him, his arms bracing on either side of your head as his forearms rest next to yours, elbows bent and fists clenched. His hips swing effortlessly into yours, making a loud, crude slapping sound echo around the room. You moan almost pathetically into the sheets, turning to lay your face to the side so Kirishima can hear your noises of pleasure. He kisses your cheek sweetly before moving to your jaw and nibbling there gently, his tempo still quick and lethal. His tip, nestled deep inside, assaults your g-spot and you purr in content at the sensation, a gasp escaping you as he plunges in a little more forcefully. His hand wraps around your throat again, lifting your head up as his lips meet yours tenderly. His tongue plays with yours gently, a stark contrast to your hips. The hold on your throat is firm but also soft, and his thumb brushes along your jawline as his fingertips push into your racing pulse.

His hand leaves you and suddenly you’re on your back, Kirishima dragging your body up the bed so your head lays on the pillows. He smiles widely before he swoops in and his lips take yours again. His cock glides right back in, and you moan loudly into the kiss as the tip brushes your g-spot at a different angle than before. Your pussy quivers around him as he picks up the pace again, one arm folding under and around your waist and the other holding your chin, elbow digging into the mattress to keep himself propped up. His kisses trail from your lips to your chin and jaw, tongue sliding out and lathering your skin gently. Your eyes open as it slides down your throat, and the slight point of his canines poke against your skin. You quickly take his head in your hands, guiding his lips back to yours.  

“Baby, I’m gonna cum,” he murmurs against your lips, eyebrows scrunched in concentration, breath heavy as his exhausted hips keep up the erratic pace against yours. He whimpers as your walls constrict around him firmly.  

“I’m close, too, Eiji,” you mumble, legs folding around his waist, your arms tangling around his torso with your hands on each shoulder blade, fingernails gripping his slick skin. One of his hands is pressed into the sheets by your shoulder, propping him up, and the other is going white on your hip from his tight hold.  

“God, you feel so fucking good,” he snarls, voice low and resonating with a growl. You watch his abdomen accordion as he flexes in and out of you with apparent effort, drops of sweat gliding down his broad chest. He throws his head back and whines as your nails dig into his strong shoulder muscles, chasing his imminent ecstasy.  

Watching his body tremble and exert itself to bring you to your euphoria pushes you toward your own climax, and the feeling of his hand on your hip and the way his lip pinches between his teeth makes your eyes roll back and your body tense as you fall off the cliff, hurtling down into the thrashing waves of your orgasm. You call his name in a strangled cry, limbs clutching onto him for dear life as the pleasure shakes through you. His hips don’t stop; plunging further into you and pushing you harder under the tides of your climax. Your body shivers and you’re so out of it you don’t notice Kirishima’s thrusts becoming volatile, his arm that had once propped his torso above yours curling beneath your back to press your torso against his.  

A growl of victory splits from deep in his throat as he approaches his own high, muscles tense in anticipation for the long-awaited prize. He shudders and suddenly his cuspids are lodged deep in your throat, and it feels like he’s just been run over by an eighteen-wheeler of ecstasy. His jaw shakes as his eyes close, abdomen convulsing as he spills deep into you in long, relentless spurts. The combination of his orgasm and his marking you almost make him pass out in an exhaustive pleasure.

Just as you’d come to from your orgasm, searing pain splices through you as Kirishima’s fangs split your skin and neck tissue, your jaw opening but no sound releasing. And just as fast as the pain had arrived, it’s replaced and you’re submerged back into the tidal waves of a new climax, making you clench and flex around Kirishima’s throbbing member that pulses into you.  

His fingers clasp the skin of your hips so strongly the skin turns white, but your own nails lodge into his shoulders to grapple him to you; the both of you holding each other as if your lives depend on it. The sheets around you are twisted and damp from your sweat, but the two of you only seem to care about each other; drifting numbly and blissfully in your shared euphoria.

After a moment Kirishima’s body sags, sliding slightly to the side of yours as his muscles stop tensing and he stops physically releasing into you. His teeth still woven deep into your neck, he doesn’t dare move his face.  

As the tides form your orgasm slowly recede, your body hums in a warm satisfaction and a certain numbness. Your hands rove over Kirishima’s expansive back soothingly, and he exhales with a content but tired moan in response.  

Very timidly, Kirishima stretches his jaw to the maximum before he pulls away from your neck, leaving your head buzzing lightly. He licks the puncture wounds instantly, enzymes in his saliva helping to start the healing process while he cleans away the scarlet blood that beads there. He ghosts a kiss over your jaw before he pulls away, smiling warily as his eyes meet yours.  

The primal amber and yellow shades are gone, leaving behind the warm red you’d fallen in love with. They cast over your face in total adoration, with a hint of fear.  

He looks away as he slides out of you, his release immediately following and forming a wet puddle on his sheets. Your cheeks flush even though it isn’t your fault, but he just smiles and presses a kiss to one of them as if silencing your unnecessary embarrassment.  

Kirishima reclines next to you, pulling the blanket at the foot of the mattress up to rest on top of the two of you. He collects you into his arms, your body weak and unprotesting. His legs entwine with yours, pressing every piece of skin he can to yours. He makes sure to be careful with your neck, kissing it gently once more before settling his face next to yours. The kiss makes the skin tingle and heat, a fuzzy warmth flooding your body as you smile shyly.  

“I told you not to let me get near your neck,” Kirishima says softly as your eyes close, eyelashes brushing over his collarbone. “Do you know what this means, Y/N?” He tries again at your silence, thinking you don’t understand the severity of the situation. His fingertips run up and down your naked spine relaxingly.  

“It means you need to work on your self-control,” you murmur, giggling quietly into his chest.

“Y/N, this isn’t a joke,” he says lowly, “I don’t kno-“

You cut him off. “It isn’t a joke, I know, Eijirou. It means we’re tied together, forever— meaning we, this, us— we’re permanent. We’re wolf-married or whatever the term is now, I know. You can never love another person again, and neither can I,” your hand rests on his pectoral, a finger tracing along his nipple so you have something to look at instead of his face. “If you can’t deal with that, I’m sorry, but I can. I’m yours, Kirishima, always have been, always will be. If you don’t want that, then I’m sorry but you just sealed your fate with mine and there’s nothing I can do about that.”

“Oh,” Kirishima exhales, blinking. The only light in the room is from the window above the desk, moonlight casting the bed in a dim white light. He shuffles, pulling your body closer to his, smiling into your hair with a stupidly happy grin. “I just wanted to make sure that’s what you want. I.. uh, I feel the same,” he murmurs against the shell of your ear giddily.  

“Good,” you reply, eyes closing as you nuzzle your face closer to his warm heart.

It’s silent for a moment before Kirishima clears his throat gently. You peek one eye open, awaiting his words.

“Um… I love you, Y/N… a lot,” he says rather nervously, gulping softly as he pauses for a response.

“I love you too, Eiji,” you kiss his chest gently, sighing contently.

“And, uh, Y/N?”  

“What, Eiji?”

“I’m glad it’s you who I’m wolf-married to.”

   ─── ・°* ﾟ✧:* • ｡ﾟ:*･☽･*: ｡ﾟ•*:✧ ﾟ*°・ ───

.

.

when he go from wolf to puppy 🥺 thank you for reading babies <3 & pls don’t be shy to let me know if you enjoyed!! 

➥ masterlist 

𝐂𝐨𝐩𝐲𝐫𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭 © 𝐒𝐡𝐨𝐮𝐭𝐨𝐠𝐞𝐩𝐢 𝟐𝟎𝟐𝟎. 𝐀𝐥𝐥 𝐫𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭𝐬 𝐫𝐞𝐬𝐞𝐫𝐯𝐞𝐝.

[elviehun]

So.

The Old Witch Sleep.

(TRIGGER WARNING: depression, self-hate, mention of potential self-harm maybe, mental issues galore.)

I don't music, and these are only MY ideas of the song's message, Im not pretending they're the artists' opinion or anything.

So it.Just... SLAPS both my faces so hard. It has this "thing enclosed in another thing" structure. And as it turns out, I'm at the incredibly fortunate place of a transition from a high to a low right AFTER the dizzyingly swift transition from a low to a high and that's fucking awesome because I've been my own sick experiment this time!!! Yay! So my point is that NOW I know why this was the one that crushed my chest the hardest from the first listen! It's because its like the god Janus all in itself. (like most bipolar people I know, that's a pattern I tend to see into every possible thing lol, bear with me)

What I mean is there's everything in it! Both sides! All the paralyzing shackles and figurative self punches and overflowing cups of searching-for-meaning and the pathetic play of pretend and the SPINNING, all that spinning around. Even without looking at the lyrics, just the pacing would be enough. That 'there's no in between' duality: of the resigned-slash-desperate navel gazing of the first half AND the holding-back-naught release of Joey's booming voice in the second. The contemplatively plucked single fucking guitar. Those goddamn shamanic gut-shaking delirious motherfucking DRUMS. The fact that the only transition from one to the other is practically like, one breath? Let me just laugh the ugliest bitter old hag cackles of 'that, children, is exactly how it is'.

Also, sleep/oblivion (my beloved) as a witch, who COULD have uncanny powers ONLY IF we believed in them, ahhaha, how fucking perfect is that, Joey, my love?! Alas, here she's just a powerless, pleading, vaguely motherlike whisper trying to comfort (talking about the millions who know how to play - telling me they're just shadows, they can't stay etc., i interpret this as if the Witch was trying to convince us that the 'normal' people aren't better at this life-thing either, they're just better at ignoring it) but not really succeeding.

Then "you are in the earth of me". The gentle slap in the face. At first I thought that's a bitter resignation to the fact that the storyteller can't get rid of their demons, but on second thought it feels closer to the main theme of the song, which is "I'm not trapped with you, you see, you're the one who's trapped with me". To which I'll get back to in a minute, right after I've bowed a head to the Good Man Grace, who, as a last resort, bless him, tries to yank us back from the edge admitting that yes, we're beaten and broken, but that doesn't mean we're weak. He wants us to fight. Or at least die honourably, trying. He believes in us, but sadly the feeling is not mutual YET. It's a process, and we're not there yet. First another -how brilliant is that!!!- shard full of glass, another kick in the ass from the normies. THAT might be the step we need to do what follows.

So back to where we grin the bittersweet "I'm not trapped with you, you see, you're the one who's trapped with me". As in, okay, I guess I'm fucked for life, but I'm at least bringing the Thing down with me too. I can't get away but I'm not alone with that. We're one. It wouldn't even exist if not for me! Imma take this fucker for a waltz, and we'll see who can squeeze the other's neck tighter. Who can spin faster. Who's gonna make the other puke on the floor first. And while it forces me to look at the most disgusting, weak, wretched images of myself in the mirror, I'm also making it watch me. Look at me. Don't you think I look pretty. Don't you think you look pretty.

And then, then we see the scattered pieces that don't fit. Because, yes, after falling apart and standing back up, those pieces, at least some of them, stay where they clattered down on the bathroom tiles. And honestly, fuck the lot of them. We're better without. I'm better without. Stronger. Intimidating even, because I've been there and back several times. I've been weak, but I've learned from it AGAIN ("I see wit"). Yay. Now I'm leading. And if we go down again, I'll clamber back up again and again. I won't shy away from living it through again. I'll take my fucking time.

"That, children, is exactly how it is" cackles yet again.

This is what I see. It's pretty darn scary to think this is more or less my whole life, but also fucking empowering.

How the hell is he doing this.

[yamithediaperdork]

Welcome to baby land (Ben 10)

it was a tale as old as time, one that had happened before, would happen this day and despite the fall out from today's events would happen again in the future.

A young boy, fueled by fetish desires and spending hour after hour, day after day bringing himself to the peak as he looked at his chosen fetish, only to pull back last second.

Because the boy knows for what he wants, for what he's going to do.. he needs that desperate pent up denial of release to shut down his common sense. to make him nice and dumb.

His name was Ben Tennyson, and up until a short while ago he had been the hero of the universe and earth. But that was before the watch had been taken, and given to his cousin Gwen who had been picked as being a most reasonable hero. with cutting remarks that he would of never gotten the watch for as long as he had had it's marker realized who was wearing it, and being called to immature.. was it any wonder a bitter and dejected Ben cut himself off from his extended family and drove into the world of porn?

never mind he had beaten off a alien invasion, a 'pants peeing doofus' couldn't be trusted with the watch.

Fine. whatever. if they wanted to look at him as a stupid big baby.. that's what he'd become.

He didn't even like diapers at first when he started, but well.. porn has a way of warping a young boy's mind. Looking at picture after picture, caption after caption and reading the stories Ben for all intents and purposes turned himself in a diaper boy, and a humiliation junkie.

Taking birthday money he even found and brought a package of punishment diapers meant for shaming (though he got it at a discount as the shop was being put out of business) that were super thick, boasted how they could hold any mess.. and also claimed they didn't keep any stink from being contained and guaranteed diaper rash if used.

For a porn addicted loser like Ben, this was pure gold and since he paid for rush devilry he got a enema bag and a small bottle of little crampers, the enema for brats.

Ben knew what he wanted, total, public humiliation but he kept ruining it for himself with self pleasure driving the need out of his mind before he could do it.

finally, Mid October the little porn fueled loser decided enough was enough, he was gonna stop wasting his time and the diapers he'd paid for and set himself up to goon. For a week strait he subjected himself to it, and by the time he was done on Sunday night, Monday morning the little loser set himself up to fail.

waking up early, Ben used the whole bottle of little crampers even though it said to just mix 1/8 with a litlre bag for a enema kit, and groaned and whimpered as he used it, hot water and a dash of castor oil in the big enema bag, only his bulky white and black t-shirt hid the preggo belly he gave himself.

getting back to his bedroom and cramping, the soon to be ruined diaper loser looked at the pack of his punishment diapers and having not worn one till today, toyed with layering at first but they just looked too thick.

Settling on one of the bulky diapers with it sobbing crybaby design, he taped it on then tried the tapes, blushing as the package lived up to it's name.

Once taped on it would take 2 hours for the tapes to come back off, he was truly trapped. again a normal boy of Ben's age would of been panicking, realizing they had gone too fair but Ben just breathed fast, and smiled as he picked his baggiest pair of pants and was delighted that they still only JUST hid the diaper, if he bent over his padded shame would be CLEAR.

Getting down stairs and getting breakfast in himself, he was already seated as his parents came down and made small talk with them even as the delightful cramps started to build. (he'd never admit it, well at least before today's events unfolded but he'd grown to like pain, it made his heart beat fast and smile)

Still he couldn't help but squirm and groan a little bit, and got looks of concern from his parents as he finished his bowl of cereal.

"Benny you feeling alright?" His mother asked, coming over and putting a hand to his forehead. "You can stay home today if your not feeling good."

"N-No I'll be alright. just worried about a math test." Ben said, mixing truth with lies,then added: "Besides, you and dad said you were BOTH gonna be out all day today. who'd stay with me?"

"Heh, He's got a point there.. and good on you Ben. I'm proud your being mature enough not to try and get out of a test." His dad said, totally misunderstanding the happy giggle Ben let out.

His father might of thought it was Ben was so happy he was proud of him, But for diaper bitch Benny, the irony of the comment almost made him ruin the fun early.

If Ben's plan had one flaw (well one he'd admit to) it was the fact that he hadn't taken into account how much slower he'd be having to waddle his massive diaper butt to school with the added fun of having to stop 3 times to force himself not to spoil the fun early.

He'd even left a little sooner then normal, his parents had been quick with their breakfast and he 'accidentally' left his house key on the desk in his room and after making sure the front door was locked, went out the back door as you could lock it from the inside while the door was open.

'No getting out of this by running home!' Ben gleefully thought.

He barley made it into homeroom before the bell rang, though since he was known to be tardy from time to time it didn't raise too much attention, get getting a snide comment from his homeroom teacher about gracing them with his presence.

Even better, home was also his math class and that was going to be first period (which was a good thing for the ever so full little perv as his 'chocolate mud baby' wasn't going to stay in him much longer.)

Mr. Fillawick wasted little time in handing out the tests and after a standard warning that he'd tolerate NO cheating and there was going to be NO bathroom breaks, he offered anyone who had to go a chance to use the potty now.

'OK..this is it..your last chance.. you could just say you need to go, and sneak out the school.fill your diapers in the woods and get out of them once the tapes give up.' Ben thought to himself, biting his lip.

it wouldn't be destroying himself in class and getting him labeled stinky baby for the rest of the year, but it would land him in hot water with the school and his parents and he'd run the risk of being seen outside right?

He almost started to raise his hand when his inner pervert took over and he just turned it into brushing his hand though his hair.

"Alright, don't say I didn't warn you. you'll have a hour to do the test. good luck." Mr. Fillawick said and shrugged, going back to his desk and sitting down, doing whatever it was teachers did.

Five minutes later and Ben was in a mixture of heaven and hell. he was twitching and sweating a little bit, his pencil twitching in his hand even as he started to leak in little bursts against the front of his diapie.

the cramps were at the point of no return and even if Ben said fuck it and got up to run, he wouldn't of made it more then five steps.

all he'd managed to do so far was write his name on the test and the date, then the cramps had gone over board.

'Ok..Ok.. this was a mistake.. I've leaked enough boy milk to see that.. maybe.. maybe I can still just.. get out..of..' Ben thought, going white knuckled as he gripped the side of his desk with his left hand as a powerful cramp hit, a low rumbling fart coming out his backside though the sound was mostly muted.

the smell however was not as the diapers lived up to their claims and Kids around Ben wrinkled their noses and looked around looking for the source of the smell and eyes zeroing in on his as he was blushing.

"Mr. Fillawick? I think Ben needs to go to the bathroom." A redhead boy behind him said. "Or at Least can he be moved to the back of the classroom.

"Mr. Tennyson had his chance for that Mr. Randal. and I prefer he stay where I can keep a eye on him." Came the teachers amused answer.

even as the class giggled and laughed, two more rotten poots escaped and there was open cries of disgust.

"Gah, at least open a window!"

"What did you have to eat this morning, a skunk!?"

Ben whimpered and squirmed, he had the whole class basically looking at him now and the teasing and taunts had brought his pervert side back up to full power.

'It's now or never.' Ben thought, though he also knew wasn't really a option. it was more like Now or never if he wanted a semblance of control over the act.

it helped he was trembling lots now but Mr. Fillawick who'd never cared for Ben much since he was a rowdy student only watched with sadistic glee.

Ben's Pencil 'accidentally' shook out of his hand and rolled off the desk and onto the floor, and Ben made a show of just reaching into his desk to find anther one.

"Mr. Tennyson, whatever your habits in your own room may be, I run a clean Classroom." the smirking teacher said. "Bend down and point up that pencil."

"Uh..but..If I-" Ben started, putting the perfect crybaby whine in his voice.

"You'll what? fart? like you haven't been doing that already?" the teacher shot back.

Putting on a show of being embarrassed and scared (he was embarrassed but his heart was beating fast) Ben leaned over the right side of his desk and there was a gasp from the students behind him as one thing he hadn't planned on happened.

"BEN'S WEARING A DIAPER!" Hooted Crash.

"A BABY DIAPER!" a blond girl added.

"More like a BIG baby diaper!" Randal noted with amusement.

Somehow his pants must of lowered enough to flash off his embarrassing diaper! Oh god! for all of 2.4 seconds trued to stop what was about to happen but the act of leaning over had been the final trigger.

as the enema finally worked it's magic and the back of his diaper started to swell up Ben could only hear the roar of his mess and though tear filled eyes almost could swear he could see image of him in just diapers and a bib, tapping a shovel on a grave that had been filled in. the tombstone read:

RIP Ben's self respect.

as the force of the mess made Ben fall forward, landing face down and ass up, his pants failing down more so everyone could watch his diapers load up in the back (thankfully they wouldn't be able to tell what he was doing in the front!) The image of baby Ben came over and looked down with a grin at the real one.

"Welcome to baby land~ no going back now."

As Ben's life was ruined, and he was designed to never be able to get that 'excited' again unless he was crapping brains out(heck, he was going to be pulled from school and his parents would begin his new big baby life, treating him like the baby they thought he wanted to be, not knowing he was just a humiliation junkie) Charmcaster smirked in her jail cell.

Sure having to watch all the events unfold from sitting into of a toilet wasn't the way she'd hope to see the spell play out, not to mention it had been that bitch Gwen she had targeting, but this worked out in the end.

Gwen would suffer being the cousin of the big stinky baby and would likely end up having to change him and it wouldn't be too long now before her uncle broke her out. wincing as Ben started to baby babble though she did have one moment's regret.

'I mean, I'm evil and wanna take over the world but was making him a diaper perv too far?' She wondered, then smiled. 'Naaaah!'

The end

[duskholland]

Die For You | Mob!Tom Holland

summary ↠ tom’s got a secret: you want to know what it is, he’s desperate to keep you in the dark. unfortunately for him, secrets have the habit of coming to light eventually - sometimes in the worst way possible. word count ↠ 7.6k warnings ↠ a slightly steamy kiss, mob themes including: kidnapping, knife violence, depictions of injury (nothing horrendous tho -- I am a wimp), blood, cursing. a/n ↠ do not fear, no one actually dies in this! title is for dramatic effect. if I’m being honest, this entire fic was just...so unbelievably self-indulgent I can’t believe I allowed myself to write it. I shoved all my favourite parts of the mob au into it and loved every single second. it’s crazy and intense but I hope that you like it! I’m aware I promised smut and I’ve not really been delivering, but I’m intending to make up for that by making the next few mob fics smutshots... you’ve been warned.  ***this is part of my mob!Tom series – a collection of oneshots set within the same universe. you don’t need to read the other parts for this to make sense. if you have any concepts or ideas for mob!Tom that you’d like me to write about in the future, please let me know! :)

[masterlist]

Tom’s lips are soft and chapped, and they move against yours like your mouths were designed to be together.

He’s got a hand in your hair, the other perched on your hip, and you feel him everywhere as he presses his mouth to yours, over and over. Your fingers fist at his warm, brown curls as you urge him closer, moaning softly into his mouth as his teeth drag across your lower lip, keeping you nice and open for him. The scent of his rich, musky cologne sets your mind spinning, and all you can really bare to think about is him. Tom with his hands pulling perfectly at your hair, Tom with his fingers wandering up and down your sides, Tom with his bulge pressing against your crotch. Everything about him is utterly overwhelming in just the right way, and it drives you crazy.

“Fuck, m’love, you’re so pretty like this.” His voice is low and husky as he speaks against your lips. “So perfect, making all those lovely noises.” His fingers shift over your side, tentatively beginning to skim lower and lower. When he reaches your core, he slips his hand between your leg and cups your heat with his firm touch. You whine softly and buck your hips down to feel him. “Mm, pretty girl, I think-”

Ring. Ring.

You jump at the sudden sound of Tom’s ringtone as it breaks across the room, shaking you from the moment. It feels like you’ve just been hit in the face with a bucket of icy water as Tom’s hand disappears from between your legs and finds his back pocket instead. You watch as his eyebrows furrow into an expression of irritation and he declines the call immediately.

“Sorry, love,” Tom says, a little sheepish. His thin pink lips curve back into a smirk as he moves to straddle you again, only for you to press a hand to his chest, halting him.

“Who was that?” You ask, your mind now clear of the lust that had been hanging over it like fog.

Tom grimaces. “No one,” he says, voice a little clipped. He bites at his lower lip. “Now, why don’t we-”

His phone rings again, and you sigh loudly as you shift on the bed. This always happens.

In the two months you’ve known Tom, something always seems to disrupt the mood: like the time you’d spent all evening cooking for him, just for him to walk out after a measly twenty minutes due to a ‘work commitment’, or a time just like this when things had been getting heated on your sofa up until the moment Tom’s phone had buzzed and he’d practically sprinted from your flat. To say it’s annoying would be an understatement: it’s utterly infuriating.

“Do you need to go?” You ask him flatly. You can’t stop the bitterness from seeping into your words as you stare up at your bedroom ceiling, a pout curling across your disgruntled lips.

Tom takes a few moments to reply, his eyes still flitting across the screen of his phone. “No,” he says absently. “Just an issue with some, uh, contracts. It’s fine.” He reaches down to take your hand, but you pull your fingers away from him and cross your arms over your chest instead. “Love?”

You continue to stare at the ceiling. “Why won’t you tell me what your job is?” You ask, voice echoing the words you’ve been asking him for weeks.

Tom’s groan is full of frustration, and the tone makes you bristle. “Darling, we’ve talked about this before-”

“No, we haven’t.” You sit up to face him, pulling your knees to your chest as you wrap your arms around your legs. The bed creaks as Tom turns to meet your gaze, and you feel yourself soften as you look at the face of the man you’ve grown so fond of. “Your idea of ‘talking’ seems to be one-sided, and involves you withholding all information. That’s not usually how a discussion works, Tom.” You sigh sadly, resting your chin on your knees as you stare at him helplessly. “I’m starting to get the feeling that you don’t trust me.”

The irritation in his eyes softens down, and Tom reaches out to settle a hand on your cheek. He tugs at his lower lip with his teeth as he looks at you, gentle fingertips padding over your cheekbone. “I trust you, love,” he assures you slowly. “There are just some things that you’re better off not knowing.”

“But why do you get to be the judge of that?” You shift and his hand falls away from your face. “It’s getting difficult to keep doing this with you, Tom,” you find yourself muttering.

“What do you mean?”

You decide to stand up. Pacing is the only way to alleviate some of the nervous energy rattling against your ribcage. “My friends ask me what you look like, and I’ve got no photos to show them. You don’t have social media, you don’t let me take photos of you… Shit, Tom, I don’t even know your last name!” Your voice picks up and you turn to look at him to see he’s also standing up now, his face a shade darker. “Why the fuck won’t you tell me your last name?”

“I’ve already told you, Y/N, I can’t tell you.” Tom’s brown eyes glint as his mouth curves around your name disdainfully. “Why can’t you just accept that?”

You fall to a stop in front of him. Swallowing nervously as you meet his eyes, you find that the stare you share is so different to how it usually is. Gone is the affection he normally looks at you with, replaced by something a lot more bitter. It makes you feel cold.

“It’s not easy to date a ghost, Tom,” you say. “Am I so wrong for wanting to know who I’m getting into bed with?” He opens his mouth to speak, but you grab his hands and continue to talk. “I know that you have a gun. I’ve seen it. And I don’t care. I can handle the truth, just tell me what it is. Tell me who you are.”

It’s all the dodged questions, and the shady behaviour. The rolls of cash he has stuffed in his pocket and the collection of knuckledusters that lie in his briefcase. His reluctance to share himself with you has finally worn you down, because you’ve told him everything there is to know about you, yet he hasn’t even shared his surname. It’s unbalanced and unfair, and it seems it’s all about to come crashing down.

When Tom stays quiet, you let his hands fall away from yours again. Your fingers clench into fists as you stare at his face, his beautiful features tainted with guilt.

“Is this… Is this relationship even real?” You ask, speaking the thoughts you’ve been trying to dissuade for weeks. “Do you actually even care about me? Am I- Am I just a side piece?” Your mouth falls open as a horrifying image fills your mind. “Are you married? Is that why you won’t tell me anything-”

“For fuck’s sake, Y/N, shut up!” He snaps. Tom runs his hands through his hair, the face of his watch catching the light as he stares at you so angrily it makes your chest heave. “You have no idea what you’re talking about.”

A horrible silence falls between you. Neither of you dare to speak, and you find your nails digging painfully into the palms of your hands as you try to keep your cool. You don’t know if you want to yell or cry, but you do know that you’ve never seen him quite like this: nostrils flared, eyes narrowed and focused, mouth twisted into a deep, guttural frown. He looks so different to Tom - soft, charming, caring, Tom - that it makes your stomach turn.

“Are you ever going to tell me the truth?” You ask finally, your voice quiet. You let your hands drop to your side as you finally meet his eyes. The way his gaze shifts away guiltily tells you all you need to know. “Then you should leave.”

“Y/N, love, I’m sorry-”

“No, you’re not.” You sigh. “If you were sorry, you’d tell me the truth. But we both know you never will, so we’re only kidding ourselves. What’s the point in having the same conversation over and over again? This isn’t fair.” You give him a pained smile. “I think you should leave.”

Tom looks like he wants to argue with you. His mouth keeps opening and closing, the veins in his neck standing out angrily against his skin. A hot flush lines his cheeks, and you think he’s going to continue to yell at you, but he just turns, picks up his phone, and then backs away towards the door. Your heart falls in your chest, and you find yourself wishing he’d fight back.

“For what it’s worth, Y/N, I really am sorry.” He pauses by the doorframe, his eyes pained and his posture drawn in. “Will I ever see you again?”

You catch your lower lip between your teeth, mind spinning blearily. He looks like himself again, his brown hair soft and messy over his forehead, and his eyes watching you with adoration spread across his brown irises. You want nothing more than to give in and run into his embrace, but you know you can’t. So instead, you cross your arms over your chest and say bravely, “Only if you decide to tell me the truth.”

Tom’s sad smile makes your heart splinter.

“Bye, love.”

And then he slips from your room, and you’re left standing, frozen, until you hear the front door slam shut. The loud, clattering bang makes you gasp, and with an inhalation of air, you feel your mind catch up. Tears prick at your eyes as you fall back onto your bed, burying your face in a pillow that smells a little too much like him, and you hold it close as if it's the only thing keeping you afloat.

[-----]

It’s hard to accept that it’s over, even as the truth glares obviously at you.

You spend the evening curled up in bed, trying not to cry as your mind tortures you with a highlight reel of your relationship with Tom - if you could even call it a relationship. Things between you were never official, yet another reason you’d had to doubt him. Every time you’d suggested that you could take things a step further, he’d always changed the subject, or muttered something about labels being obsolete. He was always doing that - qualming your concerns with short words, or kisses. It seemed Tom would rather ignore problems than acknowledge their existence, and that was infuriating.

But fuck. For all the bad parts, there’d been a thousand good. You stayed awake thinking about the time he’d turned up unannounced with a bouquet of roses and a lazy smile on his face, and another time, a few weeks ago, when he’d procured a new set of acrylic paints for you to mess around with and you’d spent a peaceful morning together as you captured him on canvas. His jokes and sarcastic remarks spin around your brain like a laugh track, following you into your dreams when you finally manage to sleep.

It’s hard. You call off sick to work for the week, and it’s only after a few days that you feel strong enough to properly get up. You’ve had breakups before, but nothing’s hurt like this. Nothing drives the dagger into your heart and slowly slits away at your valves like knowing Tom doesn’t trust you.

After four days of moping, you force yourself out of bed. Your shower spits scalding water all along your body, but it washes away all traces of him, and you feel better as you pull on your messy painting dungarees. You wrap your painting apron around your front and walk out into your living room, your eyes falling to the canvas that sits in between your sofa and the tv. It’s the rough outline you’d made of Tom, and the sight drives a hard wedge into your chest, so you decide to make a few alterations to it.

With a loose grin on your face, you pick up your paints and your palette and begin to mix together a few of the shades. You work until you get a deep, rich red, and dab your paintbrush through it, coating the tip. You bring your hand in the air, but you waver as you go to draw some devil horns above his head.

Before you can decide if your heartbreak is poignant enough to warrant destroying your canvas, you hear a loud knock at your door. With a sigh, you put your palette down and slip your palette knife into the side pocket of your dirty overalls, not really caring that you smear paint all along them.

Not thinking to check the peephole, you wrench your front door open with a frown, fully expecting to see one of your friends there.

Shock shoots through you as you make eye contact with a man wearing a balaclava, and it twists into paralysing fear as you feel someone pin your arms to your back. Before you can scream, the man in front of you presses a wet cloth to your mouth. You try to fight it, but you gasp for air, and as you inhale the strong chemicals, your eyes droop shut and your mind turns black.

[-----]

Your head throbs, and the pain is so pronounced that it makes you groan, only for the sound to come out muffled. Confused, you slowly blink your eyes open, only to find yourself squinting as the room blearily comes into focus. You feel lost for a few moments, completely relaxed until you remember with horror the events from before. You try to jump up from the chair you’re in, but you feel your arms and legs bound down tightly, and the struggle makes the coarse ropes burn against your skin.

Fuck.

“Ahh, sleeping beauty wakes.” You snap your head around, eyes falling to a few figures who stand together by the door. The room you’re in seems to be a bedroom. The curtains are shut so you’ve no idea what time it is, but the rumbling in your stomach suggests you’ve been out for at least a few hours, and that thought is terrifying. You find yourself shaking as a man walks to you, his green eyes cruel and piercing. He’s in a crisp whit shirt, golden dice cufflinks hanging off the cuffs.  “We’re going to have a bit of a discussion with you, Y/N.”

You gulp, your throat dry and aching. “Who are you? How do you know who I am?”

As you wait on an answer, you become very aware of the pounding in your head. Specifically, a throbbing on the left side of your head, near your temple. Your skin feels cooler and heavier, and you wonder if it hurts so much because you’ve been hit by something sharp.

“Who I am doesn’t matter,” the man says. He drags a chair in front of you and sits in it backwards, his arms curling around the back of it as he stares at you. His teeth are chipped and grimy, and he’s got his hair buzzed back. The scariest part of him has to be the way he’s eyeing you like he hates you. “Answer my questions and nothing bad will happen to you. If not, I’ll make you talk. Wouldn’t want another punch to the face, would you, pet?”

Your lips curl into a disgusted frown as you stare at him. “What the fuck is wrong with you? I have no idea what you’re talking about.” You squirm in the chair, pulling helplessly at your bonds. “Let me go, dickhead.”

He just laughs at you, and the sound makes you feel enraged, but you try to stay calm. You count another four men standing off in the side of the room, and you know you’re helpless at the moment. What is it they say..? Cooperate with your captors until you earn their trust? You’re not sure, but you know you can’t fight back properly. Not yet.

“We’ve spotted you with one of our associates,” the man tells you. “Tom Holland.”

Tom Holland. You almost want to laugh. Of course this is how you learn Tom’s surname.

“I… Know him,” you say, seeing no point in lying.

“Where is he keeping his latest shipment?”

Your eyebrows pull together. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Don’t play dumb, love. You know something.” The man reaches out and presses his hand over the wound on the side of your head, and you gasp as pain prickles across your forehead. “Tell me.”

“I promise you, I don’t know anything about a shipment,” you stammer out, blinking quickly. “I don’t even know what he does!”

The man looks back and exchanges a stare with one of his goonies. “What’s the nature of your relationship with him?”

You swallow back the lump in your throat and take a deep breath. “We, uh, we just slept together,” you lie. “I was only with him for a night.” You hope with every part of you that they’ve only spotted you together once. “I don’t know anything about him, I swear.”

The man laughs coldly. “Bad choice of one night stand, girl,” he tells you. He stands from the chair and paces in front of you, cracking his knuckles. “Would you say that he’s fond of you?”

You gape, mind spinning as you try to think up an angle. “Uh, n-no,” you say, “He probably doesn’t even remember who I am. So… So, you should just let me go, and I won’t tell anyone what’s happened. I swear.”

He rolls his eyes. “I’m not letting you go,” he says, the words like a punch to your gut. “We’ve seen him leave your place on several occasions. If you aren’t in business with him, you’re shagging him, which means you’re important to him. So…” He runs a finger over your face, and you try to bite him, but he dodges and chuckles. “You’re not leaving. You’re going to be a very useful asset.”

“What are you even talking about?”

The man procures a knife, and the sight of the glinting blade makes you feel nauseous. You remain absolutely still as the runs the sharp edge over the side of your cheek, nicking a shallow line across your skin. A tight gasp escapes you as you feel drops of blood drip down your face, and your eyes settle on the way the deep hued drops soak into the front of your painting apron.

“Tom’s a proud man. If he sees us roughing you up, he’ll give us what we want.” The man puts the knife away and brings up his phone. You barely register what he’s doing until the flash goes off and he’s chuckling away to himself, his expression alight with a devilish menace. “Stay here. Don’t try anything,” he warns you. “If you try to run, that will only make this a lot harder for you, love.”

You don’t say a word as he walks out of the room, taking the other men with him. The door swings shut, and you’re left alone, tied up and helpless.

You’re determined not to cry. It won’t serve you any use, and you need your eyes and mind clear if you’re going to figure out what you’re doing. Even if the plan is to somehow lure Tom to this place, how can you rely on that? What if he doesn’t turn up, and the man returns to beat you up? The thought makes you shiver.

Biting at your lower lip, you crane your neck around and try to look for anything that could aid your escape. You seem to be sitting in the centre of a bedroom, but unhelpfully, most of the surfaces are bare. The bed is stripped and some of the drawers of the dresser lay open and empty. You sit back and try to pull at your bound hands, twisting and moving desperately, but they’re stuck. As you slump forward, ready to give up, your hand brushes over the top pocket of your overalls and you gasp.

Your palette knife.

With a determined grimace on your face, you wriggle your hands down and manage to get a few fingers into your deep pocket. A triumphant smirk finds your mouth as you feel the knife and carefully manoeuvre it into your hands. The blunt blade glints as you see it, and you quickly begin to saw away at your ropes.

It’s a long, torturous process. The knife is designed for painting, not cutting, and so you have to chisel away at the bounds and gradually unwind the rope strands. As you work, you let your mind wander, thoughts drifting back to him:

Tom.

You hate that you understand now, why he hadn’t wanted you to become involved with his life. He must’ve known that being involved with him might lead to a situation such as this. But you’re furious, because you’re still here, being held hostage, regardless of his decision to walk away. The situation is almost laughable - of course it’s just your luck that the guy you’ve been dating is involved in some shady stuff - shipments? You presume the man was referring to drugs. Is Tom some kind of drug lord? You have no idea, but you’re damned sure you’re going to find out.

“Bingo,” you mutter to yourself. You feel the rope that holds your hands together behind your back slip away. Swiftly, you tend to the rest of the ropes that keep you down, a sigh of relief passing through you as you’re able to stand up and stretch out your muscles. A sense of disconcerting dizziness passes over you and your fingers drift up to your head, your touch tender as you feel a bloody bump around your temple. As you wince, you drag your eyes around the room.

There’s a vase sitting over by the bed, and it immediately catches your attention. In terms of things that can be used in your defence, it appears to be your best bet, so you pick it up and creep towards the door. Luckily for you, there’s a peephole embedded in the wood, so you lean up and glance through it. Beyond your room, there’s a wide corridor. Several other doors frame against the dark walls, and you decide you must be on the second storey of this house, and that the other rooms are bedrooms. There’s one man standing outside your room, his gaze fixed firmly on his phone, but beyond that, there’s no one.

A brutal debate takes place inside your head. You know it might be brash to leave your room, with no real plan of what you’ll do, but you’re a little delirious. Your head hurts and your stomach aches and your skin prickles from where you’d been cut. So you find your hand stretching out and twisting open the door before you can really fathom it, and then you’re faced with a surprised guard.

You act on adrenaline. Summoning all your strength, you smash the vase down across his head. It’s so sudden that he has no time to protect himself, and there’s a sickening crunch as he goes down. Thankfully there’s a carpet lining the floor, and it muffles the pottery and the sound of his large body falling down.

You stare at his unconscious body for a moment, heart racing. “Shit,” you mutter. You hadn’t thought this through.

Glancing down the corridor, you decide you need to hide him. If anyone comes to check on you, the sight of an unconscious body is going to be a dead give away. So you grab him by his ankles and pull him back into your room, wincing as you take in his bloody face. He’s still breathing, but he’s out cold, and you’d feel bad, if he hadn’t clearly been involved in your kidnapping plot.

You shove some of the bits of pottery into the bedroom and then return to the corridor, eyes widening gleefully as you see his phone laying there, waiting for you, still unlocked. With trembling fingers, you find the messages app and start to look for anything useful.

Rob: keep her in there. they’re coming.

You exit the messages as your heart races. Tom is on his way? You don’t know how to feel other than relieved, but then you feel annoyed that you find comfort in him, because you’re still so fucking angry about everything.

Releasing a steadying breath, you open up google maps and try to figure out where you are. The pounding in your head makes it hard to think, but you study your pinned location and see you’re in the outskirts of London, tucked away in a residential neighbourhood about an hour from where you live. Maybe if you manage to break out of the house, you’ll be able to find some neighbours who can take you in.

A new message flashes up at the top of the screen as you’re inspecting the map.

Rob: change of plans, boss wants her moving for future use. coming back up to get her.

You startle, fumbling with the phone immediately. Heavy footsteps drift down the corridor, coming from the staircase at the end.

“Shit, shit, shit,” you mutter.

Change of plans: avoid getting recaptured and stay put until Tom can get you out…

You take off down the corridor and run through a large, heavy door. Much to your relief, you find a set of wide steps beyond it and you tiptoe downstairs, coming out into a kitchen. The room is vast and dark and, most importantly, it’s empty, and you dart around the counter to pick up a big knife.

You feel more secure now you’ve got a weapon, though your stomach twists at the thought of having to use it. You’ve had a bit of self defence training, courtesy of your job back in the sketchy casino in Soho, but nothing that could compare to a bunch of angry, henchmen.

And fuck, they’re angry. You can hear them yelling and shouting already, the hard sounds echoing through the house. It doesn’t just come from above you. You can hear movement nearby, and it’s enough to have you running again. Your search for a hiding place takes you through a few more doors and into what seems to be a study. You don’t think — you see a large cupboard and you jump into it, pulling the doors shut behind you.

It’s like a little sanctuary, inside the large cupboard. There are a few suit jackets and a collection of shoes covering the bottom, but there’s enough room for you to stand there comfortably, vibrating from nerves. Your hands are clammy and you stifle a yelp as the knife threatens to slip through your fingers, but you manage to catch it and hold it close to your chest.

You don’t know how long you’re in there, but it’s long enough to have you feeling really unwell. It’s hot and stuffy, and the fact you haven’t eaten is really starting to catch up with the injury on your head. You begin to wonder how much longer you can take it when the sound of someone entering the room disrupts your thoughts. You freeze immediately.

You’re completely in the dark, but you listen intently as the person storms around the room. You hear them flip the desk, and kick around the chair, and then the footsteps come towards your cupboard. In a fit of blinding nerves, you drop the knife. It clatters on the floor and as you scramble to snatch it up, you know that you’re fucked.

The cupboard doors are wrenched open, and it’s someone you don’t recognise. Like everyone else you’ve encountered, the man is dressed in all black. His deep eyes flood with relief as he sees you.

“Thank fuck, boss was losing his mind,” he announces, reaching out towards you. But you point the knife at his chest with shaking hands and he pauses, eyes widening as he chuckles. “I’m not here to hurt you, Y/N. I’m here to rescue you.”

“How the fuck am I supposed to believe that?!” You exclaim incredulously, waggling the knife at him. The man raises his palms, his expression shifting into surprise, but then he backs up slowly, the tip of your knife drifting to his chest.

“I’m Tuwaine,” he tells you, his eyes skittering across your face carefully. “I work for Tom. I’m not going to hurt you, but we need to go now.”

“I’m not going anywhere with you.”

You know he’s getting irritated, but that just serves to fuel your suspicions. You don’t know if you’re capable of overpowering him, but you know you like your chances a lot more with your knife pressed into him than you do leaving the room with him, undefended.

“Y/N, I’m telling you, we don’t have much time-“

“I don’t care!” You’re breathing through your nostrils now, your vision a little blurry and your throat dry and uncomfortable. “Listen, Tuwaine, I have no fucking idea who the hell you are, but if you think I’m about to let you-“

“What the fuck is going on in here?!”

A third voice joins the mix, and you spin around to see a familiar figure in the doorway: Harrison, one of Tom’s friends. You’ve met him a few times — you trust him. The cold light held in his piercing blue eyes fades as he looks between you, Tuwaine, and the knife you have pointed at his chest. As he runs a hand through his curls, sweaty and matted, his expression shifts into one of understanding.

Tuwaine speaks up, voice quieter. “She won’t let me take her out. Thinks I’m gonna kill her, or something.”

Harrison clicks his tongue. “We’re here to help you, Y/N,” he says. He makes strides across the room and plucks the knife from your hand before you can process it. “Are you good to go?”

You nod quickly. “Will one of you tell me what’s going on?” You say, a little calmer now that you know you’re no longer alone.

“Later.” Harrison reaches down for your hand, linking your fingers with his. “Be alert. It’s still dangerous out here, even with us here to help protect you.”

The lump in your throat is still there, stubborn even when you swallow. “Okay,” you say. 

Tuwaine covers your front as Harrison lingers behind you, the two men moving around you as they take you back through the house. You feel helpless as you watch the scenes of fighting around you, men fighting one another, bodies on the floor. Harrison continues to hold you hand, even when you’re scared, even when he’s fighting, his grip firm and unwavering. 

Eventually you reach outside, and as the stuffy air of the mansion is exchanged with the fresh breeze of the garden, you find yourself unsteady on your feet. 

“Where’s Tom?” You manage, voice thick. Your head aches, and as Harrison drops your hand, you start to feel sick. Now that you’re safe, the full weight of your experience catches up to you. 

"Y/N, Y/N-- are you good?” Harrison moves closer again, his face disappearing as black and white dots begin to fuzz across your vision. You hear the sound of a scuffle, coming from the front of the mansion, but the noises fade too, absorbed into your delirium. 

Harrison’s arms find your waist and he holds you up as you try to slow your breathing. You can feel the concern in their gazes, but you think you’ll be able to push through, until…

“Oh my god, Y/N, darling.” Your dizzy gaze dips up and settles onto Tom. His fists are bloody and his hair’s a mess and he’s got bruises forming on his face, but he’s looking at you like you’re the injured one, and that’s enough to push you over the edge.

It all catches up to you. The dehydration, starvation, exhaustion, and trauma. For the second time, your eyes fall shut and you pass out, the world slipping away into a deep, black blur.

[-----]

You drift in and out of consciousness for several hours. Each time you wake, it’s just for a brief moment, and then you’re pulled under again.

Through your restless slumber, you pick up on a few things. You’re fairly sure that there was a drip fixed to the back of your hand for a few hours, but it vanishes once you’ve had a bandage wrapped around your skull. You become aware of the presence of someone else, their touch tingling over your skin every once in a while. Their hands are gentle as they tangle with your fingers, and you find yourself relaxing in your sleep as you feel the light fluttering of lips passing over your forehead. You can smell the deep cedarwood scent, and you know it’s Tom, and you’re grateful for it - his presence like a soft, warm reminder that you aren’t alone.

When you finally wake up, you’re back in your bedroom. The curtains are closed, but a small gap allows a stream of bright light to drift into your room, causing you to screw up your gaze as you slowly sit up, looking around. Your fingers find your head, touching tenderly over your bandaged forehead and your face. You wince as you feel a line of stitches on your cheek.

Before you can get too caught up in your musings, your eyes catch sight of Tom, spread across your floor. He’s half naked, his chest bare and rising gently as he snores quietly, his lower half in a pair of grey joggers. His position looks awkward and uncomfortable, but the sight of him so gentle and unassuming brings a soft smile to your face.

“Tom?” You call out, wincing as you hear the scratchiness in your voice. He stirs immediately, brown eyes snapping open and finding yours as he scrambles to his feet. He’s hesitant to approach you, but you hold out a hand and breathe out a sigh of relief as he takes it.

“How do you feel?” Tom asks you, eyes darting all over your face. His expression is full of pain, as if it causes him agony to see you like this.

“Sore,” you admit. “Head hurts.” You pause, taking a moment to assess yourself. “I’m hungry.”

“What do you want to eat?”

“Toast.” Tom brings your hand to his lips and kisses over your knuckles gently, meeting your gaze with his soft, guilty eyes.

“I’ll be right back.”

Tom returns five minutes later with a tray laden with goods. He fluffs your pillows and helps you get comfortable as you start to eat the toast and drink some tea, but he’s awkwardly lingering by the door, and his expression is so tortured that you can’t quite take it.

“You can come and sit with me, you know,” you say, looking down at your toast.

“Are you sure?”

You look up to him, eyes assessing the deep bruises he’s got spread over one cheek. Your teeth find your lower lip and you pat the open spot beside you. “I’m not the only one who got hurt.” Something like a flinch passes across Tom’s face, but when your lips curl into an encouraging smile, he tenderly crosses the room. His body is warm as he slips beneath the duvet and sits beside you, his bare arm pressing against yours. It’s nice, to be so close again, but you can’t allow yourself to lean into it. Not yet. “You may as well start talking,” you say, your words soft. “You owe me an explanation.”

“How much do you want to know?”

“Everything.”

As you work your way through your pot of tea, Tom speaks. His voice is soft and soothing, but it clips around the edges as he gradually becomes more and more emotional. He tells you that he’s the leader of the London mob, and he’s fully immersed in that life. You listen as he recounts the night he became the leader - the night he watched his father die - and you watch as he chokes up and talks about how family is everything, and says he’d go to the ends of the earth to protect the people he loves. His eyes grow guilty as they trace across your face, and he tells you that the only reason you’d been accosted was because of him, and a disagreement between his mob and his rivals.

“-And they were right,” Tom finishes, “I’d have given them anything- anything to get you back safely, love.” One of his hands moves up as if to touch your bruised face, but he hesitates, eyes clouding with guilt. “I’m sorry we took so long to find you.”

As he reaches the end of it, you look at him, your gaze hard. His eyes are red and teary, and his grip on your hand is so strong that it hurts a little.

“You’re an idiot, y’know that?”

Tom’s chuckle is watery, but it sounds like heaven opening up. “Is that really all you have to say?”

You roll your eyes. “No, I have a lot I want to say to you.” You pause, turning your head to the side, and you press a small, soft kiss to his shoulder, gazing up at him with wide eyes. “At least I understand, now. Why you were always so sketchy.”

“Yeah.” Tom’s hand goes back to your uninjured cheek, and he finally lets his fingers slowly trail across your cheekbone. “I was not having an affair, things were just…”

“Complicated,” you supply. Your lips twitch into a smile as his thumb brushes over your lower lip, his touch intoxicating. “I’m still angry,” you tell him.

“I know.” Tom’s thumb pauses its movements, resting on your lip as his eyes search yours deeply. “You shouldn’t have ever been dragged into this. I tried to keep you out of it, love, but I couldn’t stop myself coming back.” He hesitates, voice catching. His fingers lightly brush over your stitches and he winces. “I was selfish with my affection. It wasn’t fair to you, and I’m so, so sorry, darling.”

“I… think I understand,” you say, swallowing down the lump in your throat. You raise an eyebrow, staring at the man who continues to surprise you. “I’m in it now, though, Tom. They know who I am. They- they know that we’re involved.” Your eyes shift down, and Tom’s hand moves away from your face, leaving you feeling cold and alone. “How do I know this won’t happen again?”

His teeth find his lower lip thoughtfully. “If we move you, they shouldn’t be able to find you. I’ll- I’ll buy you a new flat, wherever you want, love. When they stop seeing us together, they’ll get the hint.” His eyes shift, downcast as he becomes extremely intrigued by the duvet. “I can get a security detail put on you. It might take a while, but hopefully you’ll be able to feel safe again.” His fingers fist at the sheets and you watch as the blood drains from his tense knuckles. “I will make sure you feel safe again.”

You bring a hand to his shoulder, your touch releasing some of the pressure he’s holding in his muscles. “Why will they stop seeing us together?”

“I guess I, uh, expect you to hate me,” Tom says quietly, picking out his words carefully. His eyes finally dip up to meet yours, his brown orbs floating with an appreciation that leaves you breathless. “Even now you know the truth, if you don’t want to see me again, I get it. Fuck, love, I don’t deserve to have you around. Not after everything I’ve put you through.”

You’re quiet for a few moments. Your hand moves from his shoulder and around to the back of his head, and you find comfort twirling your fingers through his soft strands. You admire his side profile, drinking in the familiar lines of the man who has brought more action into your life than anyone else, and your heart squeezes in your chest.

“I like you, Tom. I really like you.” Your mouth falls to his shoulder and you press a few gentle kisses over his skin. You peer up at him. “Will you be honest with me, from now on?”

He allows a small smile to stretch across his lips. “Of course.” He wraps an arm around you, trying to bring you closer. You move up, your aching muscles burning as you swing a leg over him and settle in his lap comfortably, hands both toying with his hair. You face him straight on, his gaze shifting over you, drinking you in, eyes wide and curious. “Are you sure?” He asks.

You shrug slightly. “You drive me crazy, Tom. I can’t think straight when I’m around you. But I know that- that I really like you, and I want to have you in my life, if you want that too.”

His mouth peppers a series of light, delicate kisses around your face, his hands soothing over your waist. You sigh into him, realising how badly you’d missed him - his touch, and his voice, and his heart.

“I feel things for you that I’ve never felt for anyone before, love. I’m not going to let that go. I’m not going to let you go. I would give you the world, if you asked.”

You grasp his cheeks, bringing him close so your nose presses to his. His eyes go a little cross-eyed and it makes you laugh, the sound mixing with his chuckle beautifully. “I don’t need the world,” you tell him softly. “I just need you.”

His lips find yours, and it’s gentle, but intensely emotional. His mouth feels perfect to yours, even though his lips are chapped and he’s trembling, and you use your hands in his hair to keep him near. Tom’s hands dip down, settling into the curves of your hips like he’s done a thousand times before, and for a moment, nothing else really matters.

“Be mine,” he whispers against you, the words drifting into the air as he continues to kiss you, lips warm and soft. “Be my girlfriend.”

You smile against his lips. “I’d love to,” you mumble, “Tom Holland, my boyfriend. Sounds nice.”

He pulls you closer until you’re flush against him, your chests touching. His lips trail around your face, brushing over all the places that ache and replacing the pain with his love. His eyes reflect nothing but a soft warmth, and it makes you feel so safe, and protected, and peaceful that you decide it doesn’t matter what’s happened, or how things transpired, because now you’re here, holed up in his arms, and you know he’ll never let something like that happen again.

“My girlfriend,” he whispers, kissing at your ear. The words bring goosebumps to your skin as his mouth closes around your earlobe. “My,” kiss, “girlfriend,” kiss. Tom finds your lips, kissing you strongly, and you enjoy it. “Prettiest girl in the world, love.” His eyes sparkle like diamonds, and you feel a joyous heat tickle at your cheeks.

“To say you’re a mob boss, you’re very tender, Tom,” you say, a light lilt to your voice. You kiss his nose softly. “Love it, though.”

“Only with you,” he admits. When he kisses you, his teeth drag along your lower lip, and you whine softly into his mouth. “Can only be myself around you, darling.”

“Good job I’ll be sticking around for a while then, hm?”

“A very good job,” he agrees. Tom’s hands squeeze around your waist and he pulls you close, your heart beating happily in your chest as your head goes to rest against him. He hugs you near, grip firm and unmoving, and you let your eyes fall shut as you bask in his warmth. “Do you need anything else, angel?”

You bring your mouth up and press a line of kisses along Tom’s jaw. “Hold me?” He shuffles further down the mattress and welcomes you in as you wrap yourself around him, clinging to his familiar figure. His hands wander over your back, tracing small patterns to your body and tangling in your hair, and it feels like coming home.

“Sleep, pretty girl,” he instructs, pulling you closer. “I’ll be here.”

And you know he will. You know Tom will be here for as long as you need him, and you know that might mean he stays with you forever. The thought terrifies you, because it’s no easy feat to open yourself up so wholly like that, but it’s Tom, and you know you can take the risk, because it’s him, and he’s holding you so delicately that you know you have nothing to fear, anymore. You know that he’s truthful as he whispers sweet nothings into your hair, promising you the world, promising you everything he has, promising you his love.

“Night, Tom,” you mumble to his chest.

His lips pass over your forehead for a final, soothing time. “Night, m’love.”

[mangora]

Why I like Zoey (long post)

I see a lot of Zoey hate in the TD tag and while I agree that her writing could’ve been better, I feel like people overlook a lot of the potential deeper meanings behind her actions, so here’s my ‘Zoey’s actually a strong female character’ post (+ some headcanons).

When we’re first introduced to Zoey, she’s repeatedly described as lonely. In her audition tape, she talks about how she lives in a small town full of rowdy jocks. This is also where we see her widely criticized judgmental behavior begins too, talking about how it’s annoying how people celebrate football so loudly down her street every week and about how being defeated by a jock would be humiliating for her. While this is a major flaw, if you think about it, it’s really no surprise. Zoey’s shown to be clearly into alternative culture (read, a culture largely created and populated by low-income queer and poc figures) in a small town likely in a rural area, and her quote “oh, I’m not a loser! Unless everyone else thinks I am!” shows she tacks her self-worth to her reputation. You can imagine a person like Zoey in the area she’s in would experience ridicule and be outcasted, easily leading to insecurity and causing her to lash out at others who she sees making the same mistakes as her. In part, Zoey actually leans a lot into autistic coding in this respect, critical of things she’s learned are socially inappropriate but not fully able to understand how to blend in with the crowd herself. (I could write a whole essay on how a large chunk of ROTI characters are autistic-coded but you know, Zoey time.)

When Zoey arrives at Wawanakwa, Mike is the first person who pays her any positive attention. I could go into a whole separate post about this, but I could see Mike being in a similar outcasted situation to Zoey considering his DID and trauma and hobbies. Finding solace in another ��weird kid’ with ‘weird’ interests and ‘weird’ mannerisms, Zoey immediately becomes attached. This later repeats with Cameron, but in a different way, more on that later.

You could understand how Anne Maria, the image of the girls who likely excluded her in her hometown, stealing who she thinks is Mike away from her would make her hostile, and how Mike’s ‘acting’ would make her feel betrayed because the person she trusted most is repeatedly breaking her trust, in her eyes.

Then comes Mike’s elimination. Zoey has lost the one person she could relate to in this game, and is left in a sea of people who judge her and tell her she can’t make it. She tries her best, but is pushed and pushed until finally, the one relic she had of Mike is broken, and she feels alone. Enter commando Zoey. Her bitterness manifests into violence, lashing out, and in an overlooked aspect, sympathy. Think of this as a shift from denial and bargaining to anger. She’s been convinced her whole life she’s lesser than, but realizes she has the same power anyone else does if she puts the work into it; she can hurt Scott just like he hurt her. And then, she sees Cameron, another underling like she was, who only has himself to keep him afloat among a crew of traitors. She helps him become strong like her and protects him the way she wishes someone had helped her.

And then, she’s voted off by a jock, once again taken down by her greatest fear. But this time, she accepts it. She did her best, she grew out of her doubts, and now it’s Cameron’s turn to be what she was. Seeing Cameron win wasn’t just a victory for him, but for her, and when he and Mike don’t betray her, she learns that not everything in this world is rotten.

I don’t really have a lot to say about canon season five, I think it used Zoey as more of a prop than a character and used her to build up Mal instead, but she isn’t totally static. Compared to her ROTI self, Zoey is shown to be less judgmental, and more helpful towards outcasts like Gwen. She’s become stronger and does this by accepting help from her new friends instead of seething in silence. When the truth comes out about Mal, Zoey doesn’t fight for herself but for Mike, and her acceptance of what happened shows a growth from optimism to pessimism to realism. It’s the growth from accusation to denial to acceptance and motivation. She can work for herself but the end result should benefit both her and the people she cares about if possible. In short, Zoey learns to put herself first but benefit others if possible later, instead of putting the thoughts of others over her own needs and wants.

Sorry if this was messy, I find Zoey real fascinating and think people do her dirty. This isn’t to say disliking Zoey is invalid because tbh, I’m not a fan of the way she treated Mike before she knew about his alters even if I understand why she probably did it. I just feel like saying she has no personality is a stretch. Also Zoey was partially integral to Cameron’s success and Mike was more of a player in her story than she was in his, at least in S4 (not bashing Mike bc I love him too and think he also has a more complex personality than people think, just saying I think Zoey’s arc was more substantial in S4 andmaybeitsbecauseshesawomanCOUGH). So yeah I think Zoey’s neat :D

[faunusrights]

Citrus Summers (GWS AU)

just had this idea nip into my head... i really wanna do more with menagerie and the scarlatina fam but for now have this lil snapshot of velvet growing up :)

great weiss shark au, weiss's pronouns are she/her, velvet's pronouns are she/they

###

"So, what was your hometown like?"

Velvet's used to Weiss's interest in her life; they come from two radically different ends of some bonkers spectrum of lifestyles, where one end (Velvet's) is radical self-acceptance, anti-cop sentiment, and a Scroll full to bursting with communist memes, whilst the other end (Weiss's) is... well, to be honest, Velvet doesn't like to think about what that end entails, exactly. All she knows is that it was exactly what a young shark Faunus without any clue as to her heritage didn't need. So, Velvet entertains her with stories of growing up in the deserts of Menagerie, of her time running along the trash-strewn beaches of Kuo Kuana, of her years shooting up like a weed under the relentless freckling kisses of the bright and vibrant sun.

Sometimes Velvet can tell she can't quite wrap her head around how different their lives are, yet have somehow ended up on such an intersection as to be able to call each other friends. Velvet just goes with the flow about it all.

"Well, we didn't have a hometown, really," Velvet starts, attention half-drawn to sets of plans scattered about her desk in her dorm. She's got big plans to improve Anesidora's projector and fix the information compression problems; drawing a flat 2D image into a 3D projection has always been a sticking point, but she's nearly got it down to the extent that her wireframe tests very nearly reveal the dents and dings and imperfections that it'd previously ironed out by mistake. Accuracy is key, and she crawls ever closer to a perfect 1-to-1 copy each and every day. It's just really boring work, is all. "We lived outside of the nearest town by a couple of miles, but we went there pretty regularly, so I guess you could call it that."

Weiss hums, letting herself fall back onto Velvet's unmade bed, the handwoven blankets of orange and black brought straight over from the homeland and still gritty with red dirt to prove it. "What's it called?"

"Desert Sands. Very original, I know."

"You know a lot of the people there?"

"Shit, they trade us meat and gas for potatoes and carrots and tomatoes, not to mention almost everyone there immigrated in a group with my grandparents. I know that town like my own family."

"What's your favourite thing there?"

That pulls Velvet up short, and she worries at her bottom lip as she stares as a variety of absolutely godawful equations. Thank the maidens Weiss has given her something meaty to say, because she can't bear the idea of redoing all this horrible maths. "Uh, probably the inn, as everyone else who lives there would say. Can't go wrong with a good old fashioned pint and a few rounds of pool."

"Even as a kid?" Weiss says, and Velvet can hear the raised brow even though she can't quite see it.

"Even as a kid," Velvet agrees. "My mam had a couple of pints and my da flirted with the guys and I'd go out with my siblings to meet our friends and raise a little hell. Not very often, but often enough."

Weiss goes sort of quiet, in a way that Velvet recognises as an intensive processing of what she's just heard. She wonders, briefly, if Weiss can even imagine that sort of freedom after a childhood spent locked in the same old rooms of the same old house--even when it's as big as the Schnee manor--and then pushes that thought away. If Weiss wants to ever get into all that, it'll be in her own time.

"Describe it to me?" Weiss asks in a very little voice after a few seconds, and Velvet nods. She can do that. She remembers those halcyon days like they were yesterday.

###

"Trench, I swear, if you don't repaint those window sills I'm gonna sneak down here and do it myself, asshole."

This was about as typical an entry as Taffeta Scarlatina could ever make, shouldering open the dark wood door into the Desert Sands Inn with a grin on her face and children in tow, Ash bringing up the rear and trying to pretend he couldn't see everyone turn in their seats to look to the new arrivals. It was one of those establishments with a big boxy interior and just a handful of rooms to the side, where the only three doors led into the toilets and the kitchens and the stairwell to the rooms above, and much like everything else on Menagerie, nothing ever matched; the doors had been collected from a variety of sources, the floorboards uneven and scratched and recut, the paint on the walls patchy with mismatched shades and covered with picture frames in some last-ditch attempt to hide it. No two stools matched, no three tables carved by the same hand, but that was the price of the community effort--everything you ever needed, maybe just not in the way you always expected.

"Taffeta," Trench greeted from behind the bar, turning to fetch a pair of glasses without prompting whilst making sure not to jostle the hanging bottles overhead with his great buffalo horns, split like a strange middle parting on the top of his head. "You're welcome to it, to be frank; Cinna doesn't have a clue where she's put the paint, last we saw it."

Taffeta rolled her eyes, letting go of Velvet's hand to pat her between her ears instead, the ten year old quick to laugh and duck away. "I'm sure. Not at all like I said I have some lying around the last three times I was here. You really that scared of scraping all that flaking paint off?"

"Well," Trench said after a moment, leaning under the bar for a second. "I did get some in my eyes last time, and boy, that hurted. You want your usual?"

"Pint of porter for me, and something weak for my pretty boy, lest he forget which way is up," Taffeta agreed, shooting a wink Ash's way and cackling when he blushed. "And some juice boxes for the kids?"

Trench didn't even pause, turning about to fish out a variety of colourful cartons adorned with a collection of cartoon characters, and Taffeta lifted Velvet up to plop her onto one of the few cushioned stools, Chiffon quick to use her older, longer limbs to scramble her own way up. Trench offered the drinks out freely, letting them decide between orange and passionfruit flavours, before noticing the new addition on Ash's hip. "Oh? This the newest Scarlatina?"

Satin--hardly a year old--was clinging to her da's loose shirt, dark eyes looking about in wonder, and Taffeta smiled before reaching over to brush her loose, light hair out of her eyeline. "Sure is. Gettin' real big already, so we thought it was high time to meet the folks around here. She won't be the last, though." At that, Taffeta leant across the bar, dropping her voice low. "Would you believe me if I said Ash is already askin' for the next one?"

"Slander," Ash shot back, face still pink. "I just said four is a rounder number than three."

Trench made a face, glancing pointedly away. "My girl woulda mounted my horns on the wall for that one. We had just the one and she swore off the rest before I could even consider it. Count yourself lucky."

"Cinnamon's a good kid," Ash offered, rearranging Satin to sit a little nicer in his lap. "I think that all worked out in the end."

Taffeta rolled her eyes, watching as Velvet picked the orange juice for herself, leaving the eldest to the passionfruit. "Doesn't that imply we have so many 'cause you don't think just one was good enough? Chiff's a darling, if a bit of a pain in my ass, huh, baby?"

Chiffon ignored them both to instead help Velvet punch the straw into the carton, and Ash grinned. "Just one was perfect, but you told me yourself that you don't think I know when to fold."

"You don't," Trench interjected, pouring out a pint of something dark and bitter enough to linger on the tongue. "When we played poker last year... phew. Thank the maidens it was a couple's night, else you woulda been walking home absolutely stark--"

"--drunk," Taffeta quickly interrupted, glancing towards the kids who stared back with wide eyes. "Been walking home absolutely stark... trashed. Wasted. Uh, Trench, what's on the menu today, whilst it's on my mind?"

As they discussed the menu (Taffeta eager to point out the contributions of the family crops, asking, overly sweetly, and who traded you those lovely chickens? they must have been very generous), Chiffon turned to Ash in her seat, legs swinging freely, bumping into the overly-varnished wood of the bar. "Da? Can me 'n Velv go out and play?"

"Sure can, kiddo," Ash said, though he was quick to grab Chiffon's arm before she could throw herself off the stool with the straw still in her mouth. "Woah, take that out first before you end up swallowing it. You remember the rules?"

Chiffon nodded, face cast all seriously. "Don't go outta town. Be back before dark. If someone tries to bully us, punch 'em in the nose."

"And?" Ash added, drawing his brows together.

Velvet chirped up. "Cops aren't friends!"

At that, Ash broke out into a grin, as bright as Velvet's and twice as toothy. "That's right. You go have fun, and don't eat too many snacks; we're having dinner here before we go home."

Chiffon slid free of her stool, turning about to help Velvet down too, and then the pair scampered towards the door with a harmonised yes da! before pulling it open to the main road outside, the sunlight blisteringly bright, the sky an endless, cloudless blue overhead. The paint on the windowsill peeled off and flecked away, and under their shoes, the ground crunched.

Everything tasted of oranges.

###

Weiss sits silently.

"Did you get back before dark?"

Velvet snorts, sitting back in her chair until it creaks dangerously below. "Just about, though my mam didn't look all that impressed. Still, can't do much about it; we didn't even have, like, landline calls back then, let alone Scrolls and shit."

Weiss laughs to herself, rolling over and tucking her legs up onto Velvet's bed until she's curled atop the blankets, running a thumb over the wool quietly, repetitively. Truth is, they still smell of Menagerie, of home; Velvet could wash it a thousand times, but the earthy scent of hot summers and prickling scrublands sticks like its own aura.

"I'm jealous," Weiss says simply, and then she draws the blankets up to partly cocoon herself, tight across the ribs, loose about the ankles. "Will I... would you show me it, sometime? If I went there?"

It's sweet. Velvet wishes she could travel through time and show it to Weiss from the start; she wishes she could have told her what she would have, in the future. Look, see? This is real. You can have this too. Happiness doesn't only exist for people far away; you get to feel this, too.

"Of course," Velvet says with a smile, instead. "Bold if you to think my parents don't demand they meet every single last one of my friends."

Weiss grins back, all shark-toothed and sharp, and Velvet likes how it looks on her face. It took her team months to eek it out of her more often than every couple of weeks, but now, it's practically daily. "I'm afraid the offer doesn't extend back to you."

"Thanks the maidens," Velvet says, very seriously. "Because if I ever meet your dad, I'm setting his car alight."

[shiftylinguini]

Do you take prompts? If not, have a nice day, but if so, I love your Bound series, and I was wondering if you'd consider a prequel about Remus first realizing that he's both desperate for, and desperately possessive of, Sirius, when they were back in school.

YES, hello, I do, however it goes without saying that it takes me forever to actually post them LOL. Anyway, I wrote this yonks ago and tidied it up this afternoon because I was in a Mood, and here we go. 

Warnings for jealousy, Hogwarts era, casual promiscuity and references to Sirius/OFC, werewolfy imagery, Irish Remus and general angst regarding boys being careless with each others’ feelings. enjoy! lol. 

It’s Halloween, and Remus is miserable.

***

It’s Halloween, and Remus is miserable.

There's a party in the dungeons; the Slytherins are hosting. "They're twats," James declared before he left their dorms, deliberately dishevelled in his pirate costume, a cutlass dangling from one hand and cider in the other. "But they throw a good piss up."

Peter agreed, predictably affable and struggling into his Peter Pan outfit. Sirius ignored them both, concentrating on doing his eyeliner right. He's a self-declared glam rock icon tonight, black glitter and flares and Marc Bolan curls. His pirate costume (second mate to James's Hook, of course) lay discarded on his bed in favour of something louder, more offensive, more Muggle.

They've all been too polite to ask why. (They all know it's because Regulus might be there).  

The party probably is good. Remus isn't there.

He was there, for an hour or so. Just long  enough for two chipped mugs of butterbeer heavily spiked with cheap whiskey and to see Sirius with his tongue down Margot Holdings' throat, his lipstick smearing crimson onto hers.

Remus begged off then, made his escape after throwing James some crap excuse about how the moon two nights ago was still making him feel woozy. James knew it was bullshit. He said nothing though, and let Remus scarper off like a kicked dog. James is the best of mates that way; he bulldozes through most conversations and into people's lives but he knows when to be quiet, how to keep a secret.

When to let Remus skulk off to their dorm to hide in his bunk and stew about Sirius.

Remus pulls the curtains tight. He kicks his shoes off, but leaves the rest of his costume as it is, pressing his face to the pillow and probably smearing lazy Dracula greasepaint all over it. It was a half-arsed effort, really. Three quarter-arsed, at best; Remus doesn't like dressing up as monsters. (He has enough of a time playing human).

He closes his eyes, then opens them again. He huffs grumpily against the pillow, wriggling to get comfortable and failing. He feels crap. He has no valid excuse for it―not one he's willing to admit to.

James knows about Remus and Sirius, and the bed hopping between them. He has ears, and eyes, and the dorm's not that big. It's not really a secret. The four of them just act like it's one, for everybody's sake.

Whatever it is, it's usually just a mess. And not a particularly monogamous one.

Remus has no reason to be upset about it. He and Sirius aren't an item. They're something, but Sirius isn't breaking any rules by snogging pretty girls under dimmed party lights. It might be nice if he didn't do it in front of Remus, but it also might be nice if he hadn't tried to make Remus a murderer two years ago. There's a lot of ways they could be nicer to each other. In perspective, the kissing doesn't seem that bad.

Remus could do the same, and might, if he trusted himself around anyone other than Sirius. (If there were girls as pretty as Sirius).

Remus doesn't trust himself with people other than Sirius, though. He's bookish and boring and plain and sometimes he daydreams about ripping his classmates apart. He's tall and pleasant and polite, and he's forever five years old, a rag doll in a wolf's jaws in a field in Ireland, changed and scarred. Sirius gets it, even if he can be a prick. He pushes buttons. He lights up the room. He gets under Remus's skin and makes him feel sane at the same time. He's one of the few people Remus trusts himself and the wolf around, even if he doesn't really trust Sirius anymore. Sirius fucked that right up for the both of them. It's confusing, but Remus is smart. He'll figure his way around it.

He devours books instead, pages and scrolls and tomes. He tries to be boring. He tries to be plain. He tries to be someone people like but mostly forget, the nice Irish lad tagging along with loud James and cocky Sirius and sweet Peter. He worries sometimes that he's doing it too well.

He tries not to think of Margot's hands on Sirius's waist, but he falls asleep to fevered images of them just the same.

***

Remus half-wakes to the <i>swish</i> of curtains flinging open. There's a low giggle and then the thump of platform boots hitting the floor.

"Moony." The bed dips. "Moooonyyy."

Remus is half asleep, surfacing from dreams he's already forgetting. He snuffles into his pillow, as if he can bury himself like a mole and back into sleep.

He's almost back asleep when he feels arms wrapping around his chest, Sirius spooning up behind him. He smells like alcohol, the remnants of cologne and clean sweat. He smells like someone else too; Remus shuts that thought down as quickly as he can, but it's too late. That little wolfy part of him that doesn't vanish with the full moon is always attuned to these things, pricking up its ears and growling low and threatening. Remus feels it in his belly. He's wide awake now.

"Sirius," he whispers, low and annoyed. He swallows. "You know this isn't your bed, yeah?" he grumbles.

Sirius laughs. He's drunk, loose and pliant. Remus doesn't know if that means he fucked her. He could tell, if he tried, if he let the wolf sniff her out. He's not going to do that though. He's got to have some self respect.

Sirius snake arms squeeze around him tighter. His knees are tucked up behind Remus's. "I couldn't find you," he slurs. "And then James said you were sad." Sirius exhales on a half yawn.

Remus waits, but Sirius doesn't say more, as if this is enough of an explanation as to why he's crawled into Remus's bed and wrapped around him like a vine.

Honestly, it is. Sirius can be complex, and sometimes he can be impressively simple.

And if Remus keeps his eyes shut, and doesn't look at the time on his watch, then he can pretend it's only been half an hour since he left the party―that Sirius noticed quickly and didn't stay on for hours, 'til dawn was approaching and the morning birds were chirping, didn't finger Margot behind a statue and kiss her neck until he left marks and then saunter back to his other mates, proud and loose-limbed and swigging whiskey before working up a sweat on the makeshift dance floor. That he didn't ask James as an afterthought once he'd had his fun, <i>hey, where did Mooney bugger off to?</i> That he didn't come and hop into Remus's bed as a way to end his night instead of the purpose of it.

It's a night thought. It's horse shit, and Remus knows it, but if he never sees the time then it will never be confirmed. If a tree falls in a forest and no one is there to hear it, if your best mate is a careless prick but you weren't there to see it, then did it really happen?

Behind him, Sirius's breath gusts over the back of his neck, and then again. The rhythm of sleep. His chest rises and falls easily, pressed all up against Remus's back, hips flush against Remus's pyjama-clad thighs. Remus keeps his own breathing shallow, tries not to breathe him in. It makes his head spin a little, not quite enough oxygen getting into his lungs. He's wide awake, and so is the wolf, the scar on his shoulder prickling like pins and needles and his senses tingling too.

His pillow is going to smell like Sirius for days now after this, longer if he hides the case from the elves and doesn't let them wash it. He'll want to roll in it, smell like Sirius, rub his face over the plain cotton and mouth at it until his breath dampens the pillow and Remus can taste it on his tongue. He might let himself do it. He'll hate himself afterwards, but he might let himself all the same.

He blinks, his vision swimming a little from his half-held breath before he gasps down a lungful, and there it is. Sirius all around him, thick in the air. He smells sweet, and sleepy, relaxed and content, and with a bitter pang Remus can smell her too. The wolf inside him can smell her. Remus braces for the comforting lurch of anger, of rage, for gnashing teeth and snarling lips, but it doesn't come.

There's a whine building in his chest instead, something sad and bereft, hurt. It feels like ears pulled back against his head, like a soft muzzle pressed against the cold ground. It sounds like a kicked dog, crawling on its belly back for more anyway.

Remus sniffs, blinking the sting away from his eyes and feeling his lashes come away wet. He curls a fist into his blanket, fingers tense and his breath shaky as he alternates between short sharp breaths and letting himself breath Sirius in, his chest tight from more than Sirius's boa constrictor arms. His eyes droop eventually, his face sore from frowning, but sleep hovers in his periphery like the moon slipping out of view over a highway.

Remus is too smart to fall for Sirius. The wolf isn't.

***

[gayenerd]

I have literally no source for this interview, but it’s one of my favorites because Billie seems to be really honest about his songwriting here - this is when Nimrod came out

The day I met Billie Joe Armstrong he flashed me his new tattoo, a Chuck-Jones-perfect cartoon character on his right bicep. Above it was some skull or Celtic armband or something, but below was the name "Joseph," exquisitely lettered, for his firstborn child. It's that image of him that I always keep in my head, and what I think of when I hear his band, Green Day: loopy humor and face-punch riffs and sincere sentiment I tight formation, worn as close to the skin as possible, covered in sweat. From the band's first records on the local Berkeley label Lookout, 39/Smooth and Kerplunk!, through the multi-million selling Warner Brothers releases Dookie, Insomniac, and now Nimrod, Armstrong has written dozens of perfect little punk-rock ditties that are probably the most sincere and playful acts of musical aggression since that first punk wave twenty years ago. 

But the songs are more than throwbacks. Armstrong writes from a very personal perspective, the perspective of someone born in the Me Decade, raised in the Me-vs.-You Decade, and trying to cope in the Yet-to-be-Stereotyped Decade. His songs are about the current crises of being alive right now, in a society that's used up and marketed all of its counter-cultures, and has little use for its youth except as consumers. The songs are also about how one reconciles anger and rebellion with love and desire to not be so down all the time. It's less political and more personal than its punk rock predecessors, an angry/crying/shouting/fucking definition of self.

 It made me wonder how you can take bile directed at you and turn it into a song that gets sold at the local Sam Goody. I figured I'd ask, so I called him up at his home in Berkeley. 

Q: Where do you start when writing a song? 

A: Most of the time I'll come up with a melody, and I'll do lyrics, but I'll tackle them at different times and not connect the two, you know? So I'll come up with the riffs, and the melody of the song, like a short ditty. I'll put some lyrics to it and bring it to band practice and then we'll just start to pound it out. And then, as things need to be restructured, sometimes Mike [Dirnt, bassist] will have an idea for something, or Tré [Cool, drummer] will have an idea for something, or sometimes we'll just leave it alone and it's sort of already done. 

Q: Have there been any particular songs that have stayed the same from the original inspiration to recording, or have they all gone through changes in the process? 

A: There's a lot of them that stay the same. "Redundant" really never changed, except we made it a little longer by adding another chorus at the end. And there's this song called "All The Time" that's pretty much exactly the way I had it.

 Q: So how much does a song change then, in producing the record? On Nimrod there are a lot of different arrangements: strings on "Good Riddance," horns on "King For A Day." Did you have the ragtime horns in mind when you were writing? 

A: No, not at all. I actually demo'd that song and played all the instruments myself and showed it to the band and they're like, "oh, that's pretty cool." We fucked around with it and practiced it a couple of times, but we never expected it to go onto the record. Then when we got to the studio, we said whatever, we'll just put it on there. It ended up being pretty good, but the song was just screaming for horns. We got Gabe [McNair] and Steve [Bradley] and it was so funny. They said, "what do you want us to play?" And I said, 'I'm sure you'll think of something.' And they looked at me like, "aw man!" So they basically wrote all the horn parts to that song. 

Q: What's more important, lyrics or the music? 

A: I think lyrics are really important, because there are songs that, musically, I don't think are the greatest in the world but lyrically are amazing. I mean, Johnny Rotten never had the greatest voice in the world but he wrote really good lyrics for the first Sex Pistols record, and that goes for a lot of people. But the thing is, a lot of people tend to -- especially in pop songs -- they tend to take the music and put something sappy to it, and it's just a one-dimensional emotion that the rest of the songs has to carry. I was actually thinking about that yesterday. I went to a friend's house, and they were joking around, putting on the Spice Girls records. And it was blatantly catchy, super catchy, but at the same time it really didn't say anything. You could only hold it at face value, there was no depth behind it, you really couldn't tell anything about the people singing it. But I guess there's a need for that. People want to hear songs that don't say anything, they want to go out to a dance club and shake their booty.

 Q: That's a good question, then: what makes a good song? Depth, a point of view...? 

A: I guess so. I don't know. I know what I like, personally. Like, yesterday I did my top ten favorite songs or something like that. 

Q: What's on there? 

A: Let's see. "Surrender" by Cheap Trick. "In My Life" by the Beatles. A song called "They'll Never Call It Quits" by a band called One Man Army. Generation X, "Kiss Me Deadly." "Outsider" by the Ramones. Hüsker Dü, "Makes No Sense At All." 

Q: How do you deal with writer's block?

 A: I write something else, just for fun. I'm just habitual about it. If I can't come up with the song...the great song that you want to write that will leave your mark forever or something cheesy like that, I'll write a polka number if I can't come up with something. 

Q: Do you put that kind of pressure on yourself? Do you say "this one's gonna be a statement?" 

A: Sometimes I do. Sometimes I'll think way. I just have a really strong work ethic. I have that sort of way about all my songs that, lyrically, every single one of them has to have some subliminal thing going for it. But most people don't really get what you're talking about until 10 years after the fact anyway. That seems to be how people respect songwriters through time. 

Q: Do you have a time of day or a place where you write? You say you have a work ethic, how does that manifest itself? 

A: Anytime, every time. The other night I was dead tired. All I wanted to do was fall asleep, and me and [my wife] Adrienne get in bed, and we're laying there. I was just dozing off a little bit, and all of the sudden this music was popping in my head, going over and over. And I was like, aw man, I have to go downstairs to put this on my guitar and just write it down. But I don't want to. I was so tired. So finally I got up and I go, 'goddammit! I have to get this done.' Otherwise I would forget it.

 Q: When you're writing, do you write with an album in mind or song by song? 

A: Song by song. I can't really conceptualize that far in advance. We knew we wanted to change and bring in new elements on the new record. But we really didn't know how to do it. So I wrote, constantly, all kinds of songs. Fifty or something. And you try to find some sort of natural progression within those songs, and try to capture that on the record. 

Q: So are the songs you write linked by your state of mind, or thematically? 

A: Sometimes if I'll get into a depression, writer's block, where I can't write, I get really bummed out and then I'm not working at all, I'm not doing anything. And then I'll deliberately get myself down to the lowest of the low that I could possibly get down to. And then a song will pop up. And I'll be happy, I'll get ecstatic for like the next month and then all of the sudden another one will pop up. 

Q: So you revel in the dark zone and it's useful. 

A: Yeah...sort of...I kind of...well...definitely. 

Q: But you don't necessarily choose to be there... 

A: Sometimes I'll cause problems just so I can get in touch with that emotional side or whatever, you know. Just to see if something will spark up, start a fight or something (laughs). 

Q: Can you name a song that has come out of something like that? 

A: Umm...a song called "Worry Rock." 

Q: Seems like a really personal song. 

A: Yeah. I think I got drunk and put my fist through a window. Adrienne called me an asshole or something like that and, I don't know. We just got into some meaningless fight like most couples get into, those fights that don't make any sense. A fight for the sake of fighting, which can be destructive to your relationship. That's how that song came about. 

Q: Are you okay with that kind of exposure that comes from investing your personal life and emotions in a song like that? Is your family okay with that? 

A: Yeah, I think so. I guess the only problem would be if, say, Adrienne doesn't have an outlet for herself. That's the kind of thing that I worry about. The things that she could say about me could be pretty horrifying. 

Q: In what way are you a different songwriter now than you were on 39/Smooth and Kerplunk? 

A: It goes in a way of, you know, what kind of person were you at sixteen, and what kind of person are you at twenty? It's almost like two different people in some aspects. I think that most of my stuff is based on infatuations with women. Some are just straight obsession. I mean, nowadays you could call me a stalker (laughs). The quest for that ultimate happiness with another person, which I think started to change, and it changed pretty dramatically with Kerplunk, because I started to talk about other things, like loss of innocence, going out on your own, moving out at the age of seventeen, being a high school dropout, living in west Oakland in a warehouse with fifteen people. Where the first record was more...mushy...the next one you could tell I was going through some pretty dramatic changes. 

Q: So Dookie comes out, and where are you there? 

A: I think I turned more bitter. I started to realize where my true friendships were, the politics of Berkeley were setting in, drug abuse was starting to fuck with me a little bit. I was trying to figure out what was wrong with me, but I couldn't really do it and that had a lot to do with drugs. I started to get a lot more bitter. Life wasn't how it was supposed to be when you're on your own. There's a couple of different songs on there...I mean, the psychoses that went into that record! Songs like "Basket Case" and "Coming Clean" were blatantly neurotic songs. 

Q: That's messed up: amazing success, and it's your bitterness you're being celebrated for. 

A: I don't know. It's funny because I feel that once you write a song, and then record it, and then release it, it doesn't necessarily belong to you anymore. I mean, you can hold that piece of work closer to you than anybody else can, and that was one of the big problems for a while. I felt so misunderstood all the time. Which goes with the territory, anyway, of writing songs. Because nobody really understands what the hell you're talking about. Other people have interpretations of whatever, figure out their own plot, make it fit to the soundtrack of their own lives. It messed with me a little bit, 'cause people didn't know where I came from, people didn't know where I came from, people didn't really know what I stood for. People calling us a throwback to 1977, I guess I got affected by that. Because punk rock is a lifestyle for me, and has nothing to do with 1977 or any particular band, but the relationship that you had with and the amount of work that you put into your local scene. And it gets completely misinterpreted as trying to make a buck. 

Q: It wasn't a fashion statement, it was a lifestyle. 

A: Yeah, a lot of people took it as a fashion statement, even to the point where I think a lot of people thought we were the '90s equivalent of Sha Na Na or something. Some of that's kind of funny, whatever. But now I sort of don't care. No one's gonna understand it anyway. The whole success or fame thing was so new to me at the time, it came so abruptly, and I was like, wow, this is too much. I didn't know all this baggage was connected to all this shit. I thought I'd just have the opportunity to play my songs for people. 

Q: Is that why the new album is as different as it is, because you're just doing what you want to do, you don't have to be what people thought you were, or even what you thought you were? 

A: I think so. That might have something to do with it. I think when you stop caring and worrying about what people think, even stop caring what you think of yourself to a certain extent, and just sort of do it, it's a release to push your past behind you. I think that's when the best stuff comes out. And, of course, when you're forging ahead really hard. I think this time our songs are much more than just things that you can listen to, but actually visualize at the same time. It's like this guy told me the other day, this friend of mine, he goes, you know I was listening to that song "Platypus," and I can totally imagine this big western stampede of horses and cows. And that, for me, is exactly what I was thinking. Not that I was thinking of a stampede, you know, but that kind of quality. 

Q: So you communicated an image and a feeling. 

A: Exactly. 

Q: Of any of your songs, do you have a favorite? 

A: Lately, I like "Walking Alone" and "Uptight" I've been into. My mind changes all the time.

 Q: Let's talk about one of those. What are the circumstances around a song like "Walking Alone?" 

A: I play in this side project band called Pinhead Gunpowder. This guy Aaron Elliot writes all the lyrics and a lot of the music. And he wrote this song called "I Walk Alone," which is about walking at night, the streets, being a street punk. And so I wrote...I don't know what you'd call it -- an alter ego song? -- called "Walking Alone." 

Q: An answer song? 

A: Yeah, cause we always work in that sort of way. I wrote a song called "She," so he wrote an article in his fanzine called "She." It's kind of funny, it's really good to bounce things off of each other. So "Walking Alone" and "I Walk Alone" were sort of the same thing. I think Tom Petty could play that song. It's got that harmonica and the big smashing snare sound on it. But it was the first time I ever played harmonica. I can't play harmonica at all. I had to teach myself how to play that. 

Q: Hey, you did great. 

A: Oh, thanks. We actually tried to get a studio musician to play it, but I think he was a little too hobo for us. 

Q: Smelled bad? 

A: Actually, he had almost too much soul for it. He was too good at what he did. And I wanted it to come across more loosely. Not as good, I guess. So I played it. 

Q: It's not a confident song, or a song about confidence. "Sometimes I need to apologize/sometimes I need to admit that I ain't right." 

A: It's sort of like sticking your foot in your mouth sometimes, and thinking out loud, but the lyric changes. It turns into talking about friends and how they change and your friends either become lawyers or the local town drunks. 

Q: Any advice for people writing who want to be hit songwriters? 

A: Oh God, I don't know. Don't take advice from anybody.