#He deserves to realize how horribly he's been treated by everyone in his life

[danechka]

Behold: Dimension J-8188, my rnm OCs lolz

[makismei]

(18+ somewhere randomly near the end bc my pussy took over) it is currently 2:57am and while i was writing an upcoming fic, i suddenly thought of nanami, as your underclassman at jujutsu high... not proofread (possibly incoherent) i am sorry i finished at 5am

he's two years younger than you, but he's been enamoured by you since he spoke to you back when he was sixteen on your eighteenth birthday, hosted at gojo's condo.

almost everyone was drunk, courtesy of shoko managing to get her hands on bottles of tequila and vodka. you were barely tispy, finding a completely sober nanami stuck to a wall with his eyebrows pulled together. he doesn't like it here. he wants to go home. but this is what being a teenager is like... right?

through flashing lights and loud music, you told him that cherishing your youth goes beyond what he's seeing before his eyes.

with you being a third year, he rarely saw you at the school. up close, he realizes how beautiful you are and that your perfume suits you so well.

"being a child is just fine," you say, as if you aren't only two years older. "you have your whole life to experience partying."

you end up outside on the balcony, talking all night about anything and everything.

and nanami learns, at sixteen, what uncontrollably clammy hands feel like, stuttering over simple words and the desperation for more of your presence.

since that night, he looks for you on campus when you are between missions. in the beginning, he couldn't find the courage to start conversation, but slowly, it starts to come to him easy.

over the years, he's seen you introduce your older boyfriends to your friends. he's also seen you get your heartbroken because the men that you chose to love were straight up losers.

what is he to do? clearly, you have a type and it's not him. although, he is confident he can treat you far better.

you like dark hair and tattoos, "manly" looking men but they don't even hold the door for you. what the hell is wrong with you? nanami swears, if he was yours, you'd never look back.

nanami is freshly nineteen, listening to you talk to shoko and utahime about how relationships are no longer worth your time. something inside of him feels disgusting because you're pouring your heart out and god, he just thinks you're so beautiful.

when he confesses to you for the first time, he is twenty-one and it's winter. it's been three years since your last relationship and you haven't pursued another since. he knows it's a long shot, but he goes for it anyways.

you smile, hand on his arm, "you deserve better than me, kento. but thank you, truly. i'm flattered you think of me so highly."

nanami raises a brow, "who doesn't?"

you're halfway into your door, smiling sadly. "you'd be surprised."

six months later, you're in cahoots with a horrible man and nanami thinks he's going to go bald early. why do you do this to yourself????

since his confession, he's tried to be mindful so he doesn't make you uncomfortable. but in the most friendship way possible, he tries to show you there are men (meaning: him, he is best fit for you) that are willingly to love you the way you deserve (him).

you, on the other hand, are biting your nails as far as you can, you cannot be catching feelings for nanami kento? you've never seen him in a romantic light, even after he confessed, but recently there has to be something poisonous in the air.

you blocked that douchebag two days ago because talking to him makes you feel disgusting. but you think you might unblock him to save nanami.

nanami cannot be yours, sure he's younger than you and you swore you would never date a younger man because they're so "immature", but nanami is a good... mature person. he is honest and hardworking, growing into his features and in turn, becoming more handsome as the years go by.

you'd be lying if you weren't jealous thinking about the woman that he would call his one day.

you think it's for the better. nanami cannot get caught up with your antics. he's really only seen the good sides and the thought of him seeing your bad sides makes you nauseous. he'd hate you, for sure. then what would you do?

but it doesn't matter, you don't even like him like that! but he's such a good friend you can't fathom the thought of ruining your friendship.

but what if he gets a girlfriend? you're pacing back and forth in your living room, obviously you can't be close with him anymore because that is just so suspicious.

oh my god. you're spiralling.

what do you do? you call nanami.

you tell him everything and more, that you're sorry, that you might be confused but your gut is telling you otherwise. you cry on the phone to him because you're at a loss and you feel so guilty.

nanami does not say a word or make a sound.

until, you hear a knock on your door through the phone and in real life.

"will you let me see you?" he asks, desperate. "i need to see you."

"you had me waiting for so long." he mutters, hips swinging into yours. he has you in a mating press, forehead pressed against yours. "am i making you feel good, beautiful? tell me."

you nod, legs quivering at his sides. "you're so good—i.. i think i'm gonna cum again!"

he shushes you, kissing you so deeply your mind goes blank. he starts thrusting harder and your mind is so mushy you can't even kiss him back. nanami groans, this can't be real. you feel so good that he might get addicted.

he can't let you go now that he's had a taste. he's not letting you go.

you love him. you told him in a panic over the phone.

you love him.

he needs you wholeheartedly and even though he had to wait almost eight years, he would gladly wait another eight years because if it's not you, it's no one. over the years he's loved you one-sidedly, he did a lot of thinking.

a silly high school crush ended up swallowing him whole. he was searching for you in all the blind dates gojo made him go on because gojo was convinced he was cooked and that you would not like him back.

so to see gojo's jaw dropping when you kissed nanami on the lips in the jujutsu tech courtyard, made his heart swell.

he was always yours.

you think that maybe, you've loved nanami for longer than you've thought.

"thanks for waiting for me." you breathe, "i'll make you happy."

nanami smiles, "you will always make me happy."

[bump-inthe-night]

Vivziepop pretends she's sex-positive but treats being sexually active as a "flaw" that needs to be corrected or deserves to be insulted in both of her shows.

A good example is Angel, who’s torn down for being a drug-addicted, abused sex worker. Charlie, who’s supposed to be the epitome of “moral goodness” and his redeemer, is uncomfortable with discussing sex. In Angel’s comic, she’s too embarrassed to even say that he’s a sex worker and tries to avoid speaking about it. In episode 4 of the show, Charlie expresses interest in his sex work once, but that’s it, never speaking about his job or Valentino’s abuse ever again. She’s too afraid of speaking about Angel’s life as a sex worker and treats it as an embarrassing aspect of him. 

In the song “Loser, Baby,” he is insulted for being an abused sex worker who uses drugs to cope with his trauma and how he needs to realize he’s a “loser” like everyone in Hell with his abuse minimized and blamed on him. Instead of building Angel up and wanting him to do better, he’s mocked and told to lower his self-esteem and to quit making a big fuss over being physically and sexually abused by Valentino. The worst part is how he embraces this and is convinced that he’s a loser. 

Vivziepop wants Angel to be a confident sex worker who enjoys sex and is proud of his sexuality. However, she ridicules him for his confidence and for abusing drugs to cope with his abuse. So far, Angel’s redemption has just been tearing him down and making him feel guilty for who he is and his trauma. Vivziepop is only fine with making her characters sexual when she finds it arousing, funny, or needs it to sell merch but other than that, she finds it repulsive to be like this. 

You can’t claim to be sex positive but treat being sexually active and loving sex as if it's a horrible flaw that needs to be fixed or should be shamed.  

[joemama-2]

when death loves, death loves hard. death loves beautifully. death loves dearly. but death loves horribly.

death doesn’t deserve love, is what most people think. why would that be the case? death is everyone’s fear, it haunts and follows you until your last breath and last blink. they call it the Grim Reaper.

such a nasty name for something so beautiful, is what suguru thinks. suguru thinks he’s seen death before, he has honestly. has come face to face with death. but the death right in front of him, with a pretty smile on her face and sunlight highlighting every gorgeous detail, suguru begins to think that this is really death, the Grim Reaper.

and what’s worse? you don’t even realize it. suguru is a smart, perceptive man. he can see a sheep in wolf’s clothing. or a wolf in sheep’s clothing.

it’s bad, he knows. getting close to death when in the end, it’ll be him next. but he thinks he gets small peeks at what his demise is like, when he finally will be reaped, when he sees you interacting with people other than him. other men touching you, you touching them back. your smiles sent their way instead of his.

yeah, this is death.

you use, steal, lie. he does too. it’s a continuous cycle. one that will never end, he assumes. but for some reason, he likes it. he almost craves it as much as he craves you.

loving death is horrifying. but death loving him is even more.

because is death loves him, why does death hurt him? oh right, because you’re death. and death only wants one thing in the end.

suguru blindly follows what you tell him to do. it’s a complete contrast to how he treats his cult members. but death can change anyone and everyone.

he’s your scythe, and for that, he’ll always cherish you. because death does not just allow anyone to be hers.

he can hear your whispers in his ear, guiding his hand to swallow whatever curse, mutilate any body. yet all he can think in that moment is how good you feel against him. how your warm, soft skin pleases him and makes him smile.

when you tuck his hair eyes from his eyes, when you brush your thumbs across his cheeks, when you kiss him softly. everything. he embraces it, welcomes it because if he doesn’t he’ll be casted down to hell. at least, that’s what he thinks.

who loves death? only people who crave it, wishing that they’re next.

but that’s what you do, isn’t it? collect souls on their last day, when they’ve accepted defeat and when they’re ready to move on from this horrid life.

suguru has been waiting for that day for years now.

when it finally comes, he’s happy. he’s relieved, he’s freed.

and because suguru loves death so much, he tears up in delight as your figure stands before him before kneeling down. you brush hair away from his eyes like always and kiss his lips.

he knows it’s time go. and you know it’s time to take him.

“i’m ready.” he whispers against your lips, voice hoarse from blood loss.

and you just nod, smiling like an angel. when you’re anything but.

“i’ve been waiting.”

your hand lingers on his chest and there’s a foreign sensation that runs through him. like he’s being sucked away, his soul being torn from his body and dragged to who knows where.

it doesn’t hurt, instead it feels wonderful. it’s freshening. his last thoughts are “finally.”

the ending sight he sees is his best friend crouched down to his left, once bright eyes full of sorrow and longing.

[foreverautumn89]

@miwiromantics

Also can I just say that I hate the anti-Jonathan fans with a passion because they're awful people in general? And they like seriously remind me of the townspeople of Hawkins? Like exactly like them? They are them and its so funny they don't even realize how they act exactly like them but they hate the Hawkins townspeople. And Jonathan is their Eddie Munson. Think about it. They don't understand him. They don't try to. They believe lies others have made up about him even though the truth is right in front of them. They make him out to be a monster when really hes a hero and been a good guy all along. They ignore all the goods hes done, but hyper focus on bad things hes done. Bad things btw that they've spun their own narrative on.

But back to Jonathan and the anti-Jonathan ppl specifically: They care only about looks and appearances and no matter how horrible you are and how many bad things you've done, if you're hot enough to them, you're forgiven automatically-no matter how awful you were. Actually in some cases they even claim that the character in question never did anything wrong to begin with even though its clearly not true. Meanwhile, Jonathan who has been a good guy all his life and did one thing wrong that they make out to be something it wasn't, is evil and a monster and worse than Vecna a serial killing child abuser. And in fact-they even like Vecna. Talking about how hot he is and justifying his actions because ''his mom was mean to him''. They even defend VECNA over Jonathan. VECNA. Because why? Because hes hot and hes sexy and powerful. But Jonathan? eww.

They support Jonathan's abuse. They support him being abused by his father as a child and being locked in a trunk and thrown around. Saying he deserved much worse. They support Joyce treating him badly and think she should be worse to him. They justify him being bullied and tortured by people and claim his bully was the victim in it. They take the sides of people who have tortured him in the past. They make up lies about him to make him look like a monster. Things they know not to be true. And then back each other up on it even though we ALL saw what really happened. They have said he is worse than Vecna multiple times said he's worse than a child abusing serial killer.

Let's not forget Jonathan was abused and bullied and tortured all his life and those people have said many times that he deserves a lot worse. Cheering on his death. Cheering on Vecna torturing him and doing horrible things to him. Cheering on the idea of people hurting this abused tortured child even worse. Making up fanfiction to satisfy their desire to see him 'put in his place' and making the other characters like Nancy and the kids and everyone be their mouth pieces.

Why are we begging for those people to come to our side again? Even if they did realize that Jonathan wasn't the monster they paint him to be and start attacking other characters instead-I don't want that. i don't want people like that over here on Jonathan's side and I have to interact with people like that and then they're making other characters out to be monsters so we Jonathan fans look like trash. Hell to the no. They can stay in their own filth. I dont want them around me. It's bad enough we're already in the same fanbase thats close enough for me thank you.

And I don't want to hear from anybody else reading this Damn its just a show they're just characters. I get that. The issue is these peoples mentality. Jonathan is a character, but the people in their real lives are not. They look at a bullied abuse victim and can't see any good in him only see the bad and make up bad things about him and treat it as the truth so they can justify their cruelty. They make up lies to justify hating him and wanting to see him abused-they're this vile to a *fictional* character imagine how they treat abuse/bullied victims in real life.

[nevermorgue]

Hello Hayley! I've been binge reading your Nevermore headcanons and I LOVE every single one. If you're taking requests, may I ask for some Montresor and Morella friendship headcanons please? I feel like they would tease each other, but be able to bond over a shared love of food. Thank you for all of your work :D

YES!!! I was so inspired by pluto’s morella and monty platonic art in the server. i love the idea of them getting along. but to start, i’m gonna be evil

- Obviously things wouldn’t go so great. Morella doesn’t like him and actively stands up against his nonsense. Montresor probably only sees her spectre, really. He understands that her defense skills are necessary. Probably thinks she’s too kind hearted. Probably also thinks she’s stupid to some degree, but not entirely because of how she stood up to him.

- I can only imagine their relationship changing if Morella just kinda forced herself to tolerate him to keep the peace as much as possible. She doesn’t want unnecessary problems to arise (like the wall thing) nor does she want to feed into what he wants (her to snap/react)

- So her method is to attempt to treat him the way she treats everyone else. Montresor finds it amusing, using her kindness against her and purposely being worse to get her to break.

- That backfires. He’s trying to put her on a Will/Ada level, but Morella is too headstrong to be fooled. She’s kind to be kind, and his pleasantries don’t work on her. If anything, she’s more responsive when he drops the whole charisma thing- because he’s being REAL.

- With this dynamic established. Imagine. She’s a great cook. She ends up making a big meal for the misfits and is oh so kind enough to save a bowl for him. She knows damn well he doesn’t deserve it, but her continuing to be nice to him despite how horrible he is…it’s kinda like a game between them now. She’s trying to say she’s better than him with every kind act. And he’s not only entertained/mildly pissed, but he’s stubborn and wants her to snap and drop the act so he plays along.

- “Lemme guess, doll. Poison’s in here. Naw…maybe dirt.”

“Just spices and care, Montresor. Try it!”

And of course, it tastes fantastic. He says it tastes like shit and slams the door in her face. He eats the entire bowl.

- As time goes on, Montresor doesn’t realize it but he’s starting to see her as less of a game like his lackeys and more of a neutral company that he doesn’t really necessarily hate. And he can tell that their ‘game’ goes more and more stagnant as Morella becomes less faux-kind, allowing herself to pout or scold him. It’s become less of a “try to get the other to back off” and more of a natural sort of interaction.

- She genuinely asks him if he’s ever brushed his hair in his life. He proceeds to answer by running his fingers through his hair, only to cuss when he hits a particularly nasty knot.

- She just kinda tosses a spare hair brush at him. She’s not willing enough to touch him/comb his greasy ass hair for him, but at least gives him the means to do it himself.

- I do agree that they bond over food. They have big stomachs and Morella is just so good at cooking.

- Ada invites Morella to sit with her and Monty in the common area once. She was hesitant, but agrees after she’s encouraged by the misfits to go for some strange reason.

- But once the interaction starts, Morella can tell that Ada doesn’t really want her there. She keeps glaring and tugging Montresor’s sleeve, as she always does.

- It doesn’t dawn on her why she was invited until Ada spills it.

“Why did you want her here so bad, dear? I wanted my alone time with you…” Ada would whine. Ada doesn’t HATE Morella, but she’s still not very happy about their argument in the cellar.

Morella can’t believe what she’s hearing. It wasn’t Ada that wanted her here- but Montresor

- She grins. She has no idea what their relationship really is or if it can be anything other than a okayish neutral, but perhaps this moment right here is proof that Monty can feel something that isn’t cruel or unnecessary.

- And Montresor? Refuses to look her in the eye. She’s not terrible. But don’t get him wrong, it’s only because she’s in the middle. Not smart enough to be on Annabel or Prospero’s strategy levels, but not pushover-y enough to be of any use to him. That’s it.

[sneakyboymerlin]

Worst most tragic quote of any show ever:

“Some men are born to be kings… I was born to serve you, Arthur.”

How everyone else isn’t horribly unsettled by that line of words fuckin’ astounds me.

HE DOESN’T SEE HIMSELF AS A PERSON!

And he tries to twist it into a positive thing!

It’s the fact that he suddenly believes that anyone is born to be lesser or greater than anyone else. The equality he hoped for at the original round table? No sign of that here. He’s been so socially abused that he’s resigned himself to being “less than.” It’s been impressed upon him again and again that he’s predestined to be Arthur’s inferior.

He doesn’t realize anymore that Arthur wasn’t born superior to him, with a grand entitlement to the monarchy’s hoarded wealth. He doesn’t realize that the scraps he has to his own name are disproportionate compensation for the work he does! He doesn’t seem to recognize that leadership should be divorced from concepts of unlimited power and greater wealth, that a leader should not be “above” their subjects, except when it comes to his own power and leadership. Then, he’s stopping people from bowing to him, and speaking to his followers as equals. But when Arthur expects and enforces the rule that he is treated with greater respect than anyone else, treated to greater luxuries, and that his work is ~more important~ so others (like his servants) don’t deserve their share of the wealth, that’s seen as completely normal and uncorrupt. Arthur’s an over-glorified CEO, and Merlin is placed on the lowest tier. And no one sees anything wrong with this political model?

He genuinely believes that he is Arthur’s inferior, morally and spiritually, and that the position he was born into (as a poor farmer, then servant, and “monster”) was intended to reflect that, as some sort of payment for his ~innate flaws~. He believes that Arthur specifically was born king because he is superior, that he was born into his insurmountable political/social power & wealth because he is somehow more deserving of it, when Arthur is just like any other person ever.

And it’s even wilder because he doesn’t think this about Uther or Morgana! It’s like Stockholm Syndrome. And what’s worse is that the narrative glorifies this perspective, doesn’t treat it as the horror that it really is, doesn’t engage with it as an idea that needs to be challenged.

It’s so different from how he approached his destiny in seasons 1-4, it’s arguably just out of character, plain and simple. He used to have some fight in him, he had a sense of self (even if he was lacking in self-worth, which is why he was so susceptible to this). He knew that he deserved to be seen as a person, as capable, as dignified. This negative development in his character, that he believes he doesn’t get to simply exist as a human being, that he only exists to serve the needs of others, while everyone else gets to just be a person without their very existence needing to be justified… it’s disturbing! How do people romanticize this? He’s an immortal martyr. When he can’t die for his cause, he gives up his life.

Merlin is more than a weapon, more than a shield, more than a thing. He wasn’t born to be used! He’s just a person, he deserves to simply be. Everyone does.

I hope he learned to after Arthur and Gaius died.

[i-am-a-living-god]

wtf is wrong with Clear Sky

He's like worse then Tigerclaw and yet he's barley treated as a villain. he kicked out cats for being disabled including his own brother.

His own brother, a mere child, kicked out the moment he no longer has a use.

He murdered a cat for being in their home because he wanted to expand his already most of the forest territory, and then wanted to murder her children after he realized she was a mother who was only protecting her children.

He abandoned his child all because he was sour about his ex wife only to manipulate Thunder into abandoning his real family (Gray wing and Turtle tail) to join his fucked up little group of traumatized cats.

and then when his son breaks up with his girlfriend because he found out that she was actually just using him so that her murderer dad could kill his family easier. you know what Clear Sky does? He marries her!

He marries his son's ex girlfriend.

Who's dad tried to kill him and his family.

What. The. Fuck.

Also not to mention he's the whole reason for the shitty clan system in the first place.

Yup every problem with this series you can blame on Clear sky.

Gray Wing deserves a better brother honestly.

Ooh! We can't forget about the whole Falling Feather and Jackdaws Cry situation.

This mf took Falling Feather's very real concerns about how Clear Sky is leading as treason and then stripped her of all her rights.

He called a clan meeting just to publicly shame her and he told everyone that she is basically dirt beneath their paws and they can and should boss her around like she's worthless.

He told the clan that she is only allowed to eat the leftovers of whatever food was hunted, that she hunted herself because she was talking with her friend about how Clear Sky is kind of shit.

Oh did I mention that he grew up with this cat? These two cats have known each other since birth, how can he treat her like that?

He also threatened to kill Jackdaws Cry when he came to his camp to see his sister. They weren't even separate groups yet.

Anyway because of Clear Sky's horrible abuse of his camp mate's he ended up getting like ten cats killed (probably more) and Falling Feather and Jackdaws Cry ended up killing each other in this battle, all because Clear Sky is worried there won't be enough food in this pray rich forest.

He's greedy and doesn't even barely regret it.

He had two siblings kill each other because he is paranoid. The way Falling Feather acted in that battle really makes you feel how horrible Clear Sky's punishment must have been. She was so desperate to prove that she is loyal and not a traitor that in the end she ended up losing her life and taking down the one cat she cared for most with her.

Wow. Just wow.

The only "good thing" Clear Sky ever did was sacrifice his tail to save Gray Wings child.

I consider that just a fraction of a debt repaied. He still owes Gray Wing so much.

In conclusion, fuck Clear Sky.

And there are probably so many more awful things he did but I don't feel like listing them all. He's just the worst.

[always-sleeepy-headd]

Some sort of emo Cross shit idk what

Summary:

The Bad Guys were never very accepting of people, Cross however, they straight up didn't like. The bullying goes on and Cross can barely take it, he uses knives and lighters to ground himself but... he goes to far.And passes out, only for Killer to find him.Aka, the story of how Cross became the gang's favorite emo.

Notes:

I'm not sure if I like this story or not, I got a little lazy at the end.

Also I'm romantically in love with Cross if you can't tell with how much torture I put him through

________

Cross wasn't happy.

Far from it actually.

Not that it mattered, he only lived to serve now.

Cross wasn't treated well either.

Not that it bothered him, he deserved it for all he's done.

Every member of The Bad Sanses treated him horribly, or well, mostly.

He has seen kindness through their eyes, mostly directed at someone other than him but on occasion he's seen it towards him.

Nightmare, he was someone that could stand Cross.

Killer seemed not to have an opinion on Cross, maybe that was due to his soul but it made Cross's life a little easier.

Nightmare had touched Cross before, it startled him and he jumped backwards, almost throwing up then and there. That was a time Cross got a look of sympathy - dare he say a look of understanding.

Killer has engaged in conversations with him - that Cross with admit were in fact mostly one way, but he's not to blame for being too scared to speak to someone that if you gave any information to will immediately relay it back to Nightmare, he'd rather just talk to Nightmare if that was how it was.

Dust doesn't speak to him, the best he'll get is a glare or a shove. (Last time Dust shoved him he almost went into panic mode because Dust brushed his stomach and that was one of the especially bad places to touch him, too... Intimate.)

Cross doesn't have an opinion on Dust other than that.

Horror is so nice... to everyone except him, he always feeds him though so he can't be too bad.

Cross has a bad relationship with food, he goes out of his way to hide it though.

Horror clearly wants Cross away, he doesn't know why but will respect it he supposes.

Cross spends his days in the training room or avoiding everyone the best he can in the libraries scattered across the manor, never hiding in the main one because Nightmare spends most of his time there.

He's read hundreds of random books since he's arrived here, it's funny because back in his AU he never had time to realize his passion for books and surprisingly - science.

He's taken to reading books about random scientific ideas trying to explain the unexplainable, it's beginning harder and harder not to add something to that heater to keep it from breaking always.

Cross hates it when the heater breaks.

He recently has been going around and just fixing things if nobody's around, he refuses to anywhere near that kitchen in fear of Horror though.

He has fixed that damn heater about eleven times in the past three weeks, Nightmare has caught onto it by now, he fixes it so quickly that no one usually even notices it's out.

Cross hates the cold, he always can tell when the heater turns off because of even the slightest temperature drop, he's extremely sensitive to it.

Cross isn't the type to complain though.

Not now, not ever.

Which brings us to today, and Cross's newest, but at the same time, oldest problem.

Self harm.

He, per his usual routine, was walking through the halls of Nightmare's manor in his usual defeated way, headed right to the training room to overexert himself some more when he felt the strong urge of pain call to him.

His arms felt a little too cold.

He stopped dead in his tracks as the screeching for a lighter to cross over his bones felt more and more welcoming and kind.

It was so loud that it drowned out even Chara, the demon.

He needed to burn it all.

He turned around, he wouldn't deal with them today, he needs to cut and burn it all out.

And that he does, Cross walks back to his room, the feeling of icy death crawling up his bones again, the heater must have broken.

He'll deal with it later.

When he finally gets to his door, the castle is freezing, a cold Autumn's day upon them. He pushes his door open, not caring for the loud thunk it created as it slammed onto the wall opposite.

He almost falls over at the gust of wind, but that might have been an overstatement.

He closes his door with a slow unsteady hand, collapsing onto the back of the door as it closes. It was so cold, so, so, cold.

He wanted to stab himself right then and there.

Cross crawls to his box of... special things, it consisted of lighters galore, god forbid one stopped working and he didn't have another one. He also had knives of all shapes and sizes, as well as some products for if he went too far and was worried of an infection.

Hydrogen Peroxide, cleaning wipes, the high end stuff that doctors would use, and several bandages and bandaids.

He slips his knife out, pulling up the sleeves of his only protection to the freezing cold outside, he gasps as a breeze hits his bare bone. Staring

at his arm and the many healing wounds and scars, he pressed the knife into it, a sigh of relief escaped his lips, he was so tired; so, so tired of the bullying.

He presses it firmer and drops - little prickles of blood, began to form around the blade.

Cross looks at it and scowls, it's sad he cannot think of a way to handle this that would have him sustain less physical wounds, but he is yet to find something that helps the itch as this does.

He's pathetic.

Disgusting.

And a waste of space.

His father taught him that at least, if anything at all.

Ah, his father, the reason he has this brat Chara whispering insults and the occasional concern, which has been happening quite a little too often for Cross's liking.

The man who abused him through closed doors and behind the prying eyes of society.

The scars on his body - his body not theirs. The scars on his pelvis, not some normal scar that he would've gotten from being in the royal guard.

Purposeful.

Horrible.

Like him, he supposed.

He adds another to the collection.

He wants to vandalize himself, what's the point in not if he's already broken? His father already destroyed what was left of his fragile ego.

Cross suddenly feels the strong urge to burn himself, maybe cauterize his wound, so he takes the lighter and burns.

Tears fell down his face from the pain, he felt perverted in a way, the pain hurt so strangely, so lovely.

Suddenly, he stands up and is immediately hit by an extreme wave of nausea and dizziness. He's freezing cold yet burning hot at the same time, he stumbles.

He falls.

His head hits the corner of his desk and it all turns black.

...

Nightmare wasn't stupid, he knew how the others were treating Cross, yet he felt he couldn't - or more shouldn't interfere. Nightmare was however unaware of Cross's self harm, Nightmare didn't know everything.

He didn't know the extent of the bullying, he didn't know the effect it had on Cross, he didn't even know that Cross was capable of doing the things he does to himself.

But he sure noticed when Cross didn't come down for dinner.

The dinner table was silent, Horror glancing at his empty seat occasionally, Dust glaring at his seat believing Cross was being selfish for wasting such food that Horror poured his intent into making. And Killer? Killer was playing with his food with his fork, per usual. Nightmare knew of Killer's strange way of punishing himself when he knew Nightmare was keeping a close eye on him. He couldn't hurt himself in secret, maybe he could hurt himself plainly out in the open.

"I hate to be the party pooper," Killer says, looking bored. "But our newbie isn't exactly where he's supposed to be right now."

"We noticed." Dust grumbles and Nightmare sighs.

"I suppose someone should check on him." Nightmare says, because surely, that thump earlier was Killer doing something stupid and not him.

"I'll go." Killer says quickly, it was an excuse from the table, and he was nicer to Cross than Dust and Horror.

Again, Nightmare sighs, simply waving Killer off, planning to deal with him later.

Killer skips out of the room, humming a tune that was almost a mix of 'Frosty The Snowman' and 'Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer.' It was that time of year for him already.

The walk through the halls to the living quarters was a long one, not that Killer minded, he liked walking in the halls, they always seemed to twist in a new way each time he walked through them, as long as he had been here for.

When he reached Cross's room, he leaned over and knocked thrice, a smile on his face and deep despair in his soul that he couldn't quite reach.

When Cross didn't even make a noise, the smile fell. He was certainly in his room because that's what Nightmare had said, hadn't he? Killer couldn't remember, but he was almost sure Cross was in there, and he had heard a thump earlier...

"Cross?" Killer yells for him, keeping a light and playful voice despite his confusion. "It's dinnertime!"

Still no noise came from his room.

"I'm going to come in there if you don't answer." Killer says, pressing his ear up against the door to see if he could hear anything at all. Killer sighs when there's no noise, "Fine, I'm coming in!"

He opens the usually locked door, and walks a few paces in before gasping. "Fuck! What the hell happened?!" He says, shock spreading over his face before he rushes to Cross's side. "Cross?!" He yells, shaking him, "Can you hear me?!"

Cross didn't respond and a sinking feeling set deep in Killer's soul, "Jesus, you better not die on us randomly..." He says, frantically looking around for something to stop the bleeding in his head before noticing the box.

"... What the hell is this..." He mumbled, looking through the lighters and knives - all sharpened. He grabs some of the bandages but gives up in untangling them in a second. Then he notices Cross's arms.

"Holy shit..."

...

Everyone at the table was sitting in silence, Dust and Horror were whispering to each other when Nightmare gasps.

"Nightmare...?" Horror mumbles in question.

"Killer is... in extreme distress." He says standing up quickly, "The situation may be more serious than we thought."

"What do you mean?" Dust says, standing up as well.

"I'm not sure," Nightmare sighs, "But Killer is really screwed up over something, I must make sure they're okay."

"We're coming with you." Dust says, Horror standing up next to him with a nod.

"Hurry." Nightmare says, and the three rush out of the room and through the halls to Cross's room.

When they got there they found the door wide open with Killer mumbling a low curse. "Killer?" NIghtmare says, a sense of urgency deep in his voice.

"Fuck- Nightmare get in here!" Killer says, with the same urgency.

Walking in the sight they saw startled them all, Cross was on the floor with a large head wound, his arms covered in blood and healing wounds that seemed to all be cauterized.

"Holy crap..." Dust mumbles and Horror looks on in horror. (Whoops)

"Shit." Nightmare says, before running over to Cross and checking him over. "He's... fine, well, not fine but this isn't fatal if we stop the bleeding now."

Nightmare sighs and picks Cross up bridal style, Cross, who's still out cold, flinches and instinctively leans away from his touch. Suddenly, it hits everyone how fragile Cross is.

He looks so small in Nightmare's grip so... traumatized. Like he went through stuff even they haven't.

Honestly that's what made Dust not like him so much, he had even worse things going on for himself than Dust did. That scared him.

Horror never liked Cross because of him not finishing his food, he thought he must be ungrateful.

"What happened when you got here Killer?" Nightmare asks, trying to keep his composure although he begins to pull Cross closer which provided Cross no comfort and only to start to shake gently.

"He was on the ground just as you found him..." Killer says, his voice betraying his worry, which Nightmare found strange because Killer mostly pulled slightly mean pranks on Cross.

Actually Nightmare found everyone's reaction strange, Horror and Dust seemed to have a resentment of Cross yet they look as if Cross is their close friend.

"I- I did find that there was a box... it had the stuff that Cross had been using to do- do that to himself." He continues.

"Stars..." I grumble, "How didn't I notice, I should have known." I say mostly to myself.

"I'm sure it was our fault." Dust says plainly, he sounded really upset with himself for some reason, maybe it was the fact he made someone else go through the same problem he himself suffers with, maybe it was Papyrus tormenting him about doing it, maybe he was comparing himself to one of the girls in "Mean Girls" that Killer made them all watch.

Cross had laughed several times during that movie, he only laughed at the parts that were supposed to be serious too. Killer looked very proud.

"..." Nightmare can't bring himself to respond, to reassure him of something he doesn't know true. "I.. couldn't tell you. I noticed the bullying but I was unaware of the extent of it that he would bring himself to do this."

Horror suddenly looks ashamed, "I... should have been more open..." He mumbles and Dust puts his hand on his shoulder.

"Don't worry big guy we all should have." Dust says, wincing slightly.

They stay quiet as they bring Cross to the medical room, regret heavy in the air.

...

Slowly, Cross blinks his eyes open, he can't remember how he got in the medical room, he supposes he failed at something again like the stupid monster he is.

That was, until he realized his arms were patched up. "Shit." He mumbles, realizing he's probably going to get punished for not controlling himself and jeopardizing whatever plans Nightmare could have had for him for the day.

"Oh? Cross you're awake." Nightmare says, keeping out the urgency he felt when he spoke. "You had everyone worried."

"Somehow I doubt that." Cross says under his breath but Nightmare can hear him loud and clear.

"I would too if I didn't experience it." Nightmare says with a sigh, "They all looked super remorseful..."

...

To be completely honest Cross didn't expect what happened to happen after this. Everyone began to be so much kinder to him, he expected it to not last but holy shit.

Eventually, Nightmare pulled the truth out of him of what was happening, and more, of his father's abuse of the past and of his... eating problem. Which was relayed to Horror and then Horror was so incredibly nice to him he cried.

Luckily it was only Horror who saw, and gave him the biggest bear hug.

He didn't know that would send Cross into panic mode, the poor guy. Nightmare felt his emotions and whisked him off immediately, having not seen Cross like this before. That's when Cross told Nightmare of his past with his father.

And the start of Nightmare's overprotectiveness.

I suppose that's the story of how Cross became the gang's favorite, and the one they feel they have to protect despite Cross being stronger than most of them.

[iamfuckingsorry]

Sorry guys, another DE rant incoming. This one's not even on any specific topic, just some feelings about the game that I need to get out.

So, the game absolutely fucking killed me. I intentionally didn't play the entire thing at once to give myself time to process and it still fucking killed me. And by killed I mean I had to take crying breaks at work hiding in the bathroom. Like literally unable to go through a day at work without coming this close to a breakdown. And there's other compounding factors for that, sure, but still.

And it's like... It's a chilling social commentary with too many layers for its own good. The main character is a walking bundle of current and past issues mixed with the consequences of extremely messed-up past actions. The main support character has the best of intentions but is heavily flawed himself. Everyone else in the story is fucked up, really every single fucking thing is fucked up, yet the game itself keeps giving you these little snippets of hope. All the side quests where you can make a difference to someone. Deep conversations. Kim smiling. Realizing the people you originally thought were massive assholes were just hurting. The goddamn stick insect.

You are a violent and irrepressible miracle.

Something beautiful is going to happen.

In the dark times, should the stars also go out?

Streets and sodium lights, the sky, the world. You're still alive.

You still have some years. You still have some hope.

The only way to load the dice is to keep on fighting.

Kim being so hopelessly in love with Revachol even though he's been treated like shit by the city's inhabitants.

Harry being so hopelessly in love with Revachol, too, even though he can't even remember her.

The world is shit, but there's still all these little things that make it worth living.

And I'd... really love for that to be my take away. I would really, really fucking love that. But somehow, I can't.

Because no matter how much good you do preventing an absolute bloodbath in Martinaise, changes are coming, and they aren't good changes. The wheels are already in motion and they cannot be stopped, no matter how vigilant Harry is, no matter how much Revachol loves him.

22 years after Harry wakes up, Revachol's getting nuked to pieces.

Some 5 years after that, the entire world as we know it is getting swallowed by the pale.

Kim Kitsuragi will not live to see 70.

(Honestly, this is the line that kills me the most. He deserves to grow old, to look at his life and be happy with what he's done with it, at peace and fully accepted by everyone including himself for the first time in his life. And instead he's getting killed in a pointless conflict that will usher in the end of the world, or if he won't get killed then, he's getting nuked to death. Kim Kitsuragi will not live to see 70.)

Anyway. I know that that's part of the point. Horrible things are inevitable but that doesn't mean life isn't worth living and good things aren't worth fighting for. You can still fight the inevitable darkness while you're here, you should still fight the inevitable darkness while you're here, you need to fight the inevitable darkness while you're still here because if you don't, then what are you living for? And if not you, then who? If you lose your last sliver of hope, then you lose everything. Yes, life is terrible and terrifying, but life is also so, so, so beautiful.

And even when life is shit, it's all just part of a cycle. Sometimes bad things need to happen in order for the good ones to be able to come back again. One day I'll return to your side. After death, life again. After the pale, the world again. The good connected to the bad, intertwined so tightly they cannot be separated in any meaningful way.

And I think I'm starting to get there, I really do. After the pale, the world again. Even in the darkest of times there is always hope of a brighter future. After the pale, the world again. After death, life again. Un jour je serai de retour près de toi. The only way to load the dice is to keep on fighting. The stars will never go out, not even in the darkest of times.

But instead I just... I close my eyes and I think of Revachol herself begging Harry to save her, and I think of her burning, and I think of Kim not living to see 70.

And I want to cry.

[puhpandas]

Evan and Greg are basically your oc's!, what is your interpretation of Micheal in the modern au. Also how does mike not see Evan as a person?

Also flashlight duo is super cute

Has Evan ever been bullied at school?

the ocification beam hit them too hard...

I view Michael in my flashlight duo universe as being like. not how a lot of people portray him. as in he doesnt lash out for a reason. he isnt acting that way towards Evan because William told him to.

it's for sure affected by William's own actions, but as in Michael subconsciously learned those things. he isn't even on William's side really. he sucks as a father to both of them. it's just that michael doesnt respect Evan enough to see him as someone who is supposed to be on his side

Michael subconsciously learned growing up that everything Evan is is bad. and the cool people his age see people like Evan as weak, so he does too.

he lacks any emotional maturity, so a lot of his actions towards Evan are out of his own boredom and resent. he genuinely thinks his reactions are funny. if he ever did realize what he did was wrong, he would have to actually realize. he knows fully that what he does hurts Evan. he just doesn't care. he hasn't developed the intuition he needs to care. you know?

and Michael is around 16 if evan is 12. it's not that hes too young to understand, it's the lack of good parenting, or literally parenting in general. if Evans life is hell because everyone around him hates him, then that means its true. it means the people in hurricane dont like people like Evan (a boy who at his age should be getting manlier, but isnt. sensitive and emotional and physically small and lanky. evan literally has anxiety and paranoia and is neurodivergent and people dont really acknowledge that but they notice. and they don't like it)

the people in their town suck and are mean and so is Michael's father. so of course hes going to stick to what hes been taught and to everybody else who also believes it and is on his side. he was never taught that what hes doing is wrong. hes a bad person but it's a product of horrible parenting and the worst town in the world

in contrast to Michael, in the neglect and bullying Evan has faced its made him kinder. he is the one facing it so he wants to be kind to others instead of being like the people he hates.

I dont want to say he would be more in tune with his emotions than Michael because he wouldn't be. before Gregory, he was so unstable and miserable he was just a big ball of anxiety and emotions. he didnt understand his emotions and have that country mile on Michael's own emotional maturity because he didnt have it in him to learn

and by that I mean he didnt even like himself enough to want to help himself. hed been taught that theres fundamentally something wrong with him that makes him bad and weird and not like anyone else who's impossible to 'fix'. and hed been hearing that since he was a young kid, so of course hed believe it.

but then Gregory comes alone and slowly tries to strip away what Evan had been taught just by being kind to him and repeating kind things. the opposite of what everyone else did.

and that is what makes Evan begin to change for the better. the first thing he learns is that Gregory doesn't think something is super wrong with him that makes him bad and stupid so he starts to believe it a little, too. he begins to see how maybe how hes being treated is unfair and its him seeing himself as worthy of kindness that makes him upset on his own behalf. and what that means is he has better self esteem when before he was so insecure he could never even defend himself a little bit

and its after he gains some respect for himself that he learns how to help himself. he actually thinks he deserves it now, so with his support system in Gregory and his family he learns how he works. he learns what his phobias are and what sets him off and how to calm himself down. and of course he hoped all the way through that changing could be what 'fixes' him and the people around him wouldnt hate him so much. but like I said before its that self respect that confirms it's for himself and not for others

of course that stuff doesnt go away, but he improves. the people around him do notice. they dont care enough to say anything, they're more just suprised or happy hes shutting up in that mean way of theirs. but I think after a while of Evan being comfortable with Gregory and improving himself he would one day just snap.

before, he had layers and layers of nervousness and fear and anxiety and insecurity stopping his very high emotions from boiling over. and with the newfound respect for himself comes the anger on his own behalf of how hes treated.

so i feel like one day he would just blow up with all the emotion without the insane amount of fear stopping him. and it doesnt help, not really.

before, evan wanted to please michael and his father. but now that he wants them to know how much he hates them and how much they hurt him, they are pleased.

he gained more respect but in the worst way. not the way he wanted.

but back to their relationship, I think post-all of this, evan wouldnt want anything to do with him. let's say Michael does have a wake up call when they're both older. hes already ruined his relationship so much its unsalvageable. he caused evan to develop fundamental issues rooted deep (anxiety and paranoia, general things he learned about the world and certain people/groups and traits that he'll have to remind himself arent true) inside of him.

his family had their chance and they blew it hard. evan is definitely in the right to want nothing to do with him or William and to continue growing up and living and laughing with his actual family in his heart. they never get to make it official, but that doesn't matter.

anyway I went on like. a lot lol. for anyone who havent read my oneshot series this is based completely off of that au of mine and in my mind is canon to every oneshot if you do read them. thanks for enabling me to talk about flashlight duo lol you can tell I put so much thought into them every day its crazy

edit: to answer your actual questions lol: it's not that Michael literally doesn't see Evan as a human person, it's that he doesnt respect him enough to treat him with human respect. you know? everything evan is he has been taught is bad and worthless so that's what he thinks. so by extension evan is too

and yeah evan does get bullied at school. I always imagined it was less bullies pushing him into lockers and stealing his lunch money (Williams ass does not give him lunch money let's be real) and more that they just treat him awful. hes either invisible or in the way and then they dont care to be super rude to him. they dont just spout their exact thought process out but they all think of him badly and view him as a big joke. its less blatant meanness and more just treating him awful in general and that's what makes Evan think its normal and that hes asking for it when its not.

[maibabbling]

An Essay About Kousuke

Sharing it here too because why not.

______________________________________________________________

I’m a sucker for grey characters.

He’s really interesting and personally, he’s my favorite. I love him so much.

And to all of the Kousuke haters who’s going to come at me.

No, I’m not saying he’s innocent. He did do horrible things, treated those around him horribly, teared Nol down, tried to sabotage him at every opportunity and the list goes on.

Neglect, abuse, and trauma do NOT justify his actions. But you’ve got to understand that from his point of view, they WERE justified. In his mind, he did the right thing. He was protecting himself, his family, and the company.

From a young age, Yui told him that everyone is out to get them, everyone will use them, take advantage of them, that he can’t trust anyone but her. She ingrained this sense of fear, of paranoia inside him ever since he was a kid. She crafted in him this twisted belief.

She took advantage of his starving for love and turned it into something so devious, so harmful. She made sure that Kousuke saw Nol as an enemy, an intruder who wanted to leech off them with his mom. A competitor who wanted to take what was rightfully his. She made him fear the only person who ever gave him the healthy, unconditional love he always earned for. She made him think that he was unworthy of his father’s attention and love, that he needed to work harder in order to deserve it, that he needed to be just like him.

So he stuffed down these needs, these passions, these emotions and worked as hard as he could to reach Rand, to make him look his way.

And now look at him as he is an adult, he’s paranoid of everyone, always on edge, anxious,  can’t adapt to stressful situations, unable to manage healthily his emotions and can’t function properly on his own.

You can placate the person, but not their emotions, nor their needs, and certainly not their mental state.

I’m worried for what’s coming for him, his future is nothing but bleak.

With the way it’s heading, I can assure you that Kousuke will go THROUGH IT. It will only go downhill for him from now on. How will he manage to cope? How can he? He doesn’t even know HOW TO. The only coping mechanism he thought worked (aka eating sweets) wasn’t actually ever one.

How will he cope with the realization that it wasn’t the sweets that calmed him, but the drugs that Yui, his own MOTHER, fed him through it? How do you even manage to come in term with the knowledge that your own MOTHER, the one who’s supposed to love you, to protect you, has been drugging you for many years, if not your entire life? That she’s been manipulating you and using you all this time? Add to that the fact that your reality is based on an entire lie.

The utter betrayal at him finally realizing what a wretch Yui actually is is crushing him and will continue to do so.

Now WHO is he supposed to trust?  How does he know they’re not in cahoots with his mom? Even his chef was on it. If he can’t trust his own hired help, then who can he?

I really hope he won’t distance himself from Hansuke as an attempt to protect him from Yui because he's the only one he has right now and I don't want to see what will happen if he isolates himself from him.

I do believe that he’ll move to Japan to take up the CFO position during the 4 years timeskip as a way to get himself away from Yui. But OF COURSE she’ll use this as a mean to isolate him further, to make him rely solely on her. His vulnerability will make things easier for her to play the perfect role of “Mother Dearest”.

Honestly I won’t be surprised if she decides to pay him “surprise visits” with the fake pretense of “checking up on him”. That’s so messed up because that means that in addition to the self-hatred, guilt and emotional turmoil, Kousuke will have to live in literal fear and paranoia of his mother popping out of nowhere in his house, even in Japan.

(Seriously imagine how traumatic it’ll be to go home and find the very person who drugged you, whom you were trying so hard to get away of sitting on the couch of your living room with a cup of tea in their hands.)

She could use this fear as a mean to keep him under check, as a way to remind him that no matter how far he’ll try to run away, she’ll always manage to catch him. He’ll never be able to escape her grasp. Nothing good ever comes out of fighting against her. (That woman belongs in a horror movie hands down)

After all, the end justifies the means. For her, the final aim is so important that any way of achieving it is acceptable, any actions needed in order to reach that goal are justified, be it moral or not. Be it even drugging her own son, controlling every aspect of his life, and playing everyone around her like a fiddle. Even having Kousuke was probably in her own interest. She doesn’t feel an ounce of love for him. To her, he’s nothing more than a way to achieve what she wants, a pawn that she’d discard like nothing if proven useless.

I do wonder one thing. How is he going to hold on for 4 more years? Like HOW??? It hasn't even been one week and look at the state he's in. Wrapped up in a blanket like a wet cat. He can't cope. He doesn't know how to, so he's leaning towards alcoholism. (He'll parallel Sim-Han in way.)

He'll likely fall into depression, and live the next 4 years of his life miserable and haunted by his horrid and unjust treatment of Nol, by the fact that he caused someone's death, although indirectly, by not believing the girl who got SA'd.

We still don't know what EXACTLY happened back in his college days but we all agree that Yui had a big hand in it and is probably the one who staged it all in an attempt to bring back Kousuke, who started to get loose and act like a person of his age. She needed him to work for her, to become her loyal little knight again. To rub salt into the wound more effectively , she also released Nol from the mental health institution at the same time, reminding him that he can't let go. He doesn't have the right to.

How can he, when there's a threat to his position as the heir, to his father's attention and love?

So he came back to her, like a dog returning to its master. Everything turned out as she wanted, still, she needed to keep up the act, to feed him lie after lie. So what if she had to drug him in order to placate him? What of it? After all, she can do MUCH worse. She'll do anything to keep control.

What has me worrying the most is his reaction to the fact that he is not Rand’s son. He is not Nol’s brother. He tormented Nol out of jealousy, fear that he’ll take his position as heir. Turns out that HE is the one who never even had the right to take up Rand’s position.

HE never even had the chance to have these features he desired so much.

HE is the one who tried to take something that was not rightfully his. HE worked towards an empty goal.

HE has no value without others approval, without his family’s name and the company’s.

HE is nothing.

He’ll have an identity crisis.

Am I able to see him go through all that? NO.

I want to protect him from that bald witch and throw him in therapy ASAP.

But yeah we’re not getting that anytime soon are we? Not until we pass all of our time skips.

It gets worse before it gets better. But that’s another level of worse.

I hope that in the end, once he’s been through it back and forth, and once he’s gotten years of good therapy, he’ll be able to heal and find his very own self. I hope that he’ll retake piano, an activity that he enjoys not for others; but for himself, something that’ll allow him to feel like a real person, something that’ll help him unleash his repressed emotions.

My lifelong wish is to see him SMILE again. I want to see him happy, I want to see him laugh and have fun from the bottom of his heart.

As for now, I guess I’m only going to see that in my dreams.

I'm going to excuse myself and cry in a corner.

SOB

[juliemolinaz]

A really big theme of part 2 is guilt and the ways that people deal with it.

Through Jin Ho-Gyeong, we get to see how guilt can make someone obsessive and hurt the person they feel guilty towards. Ho-Gyeong is feeling guilty that she didn’t recognize Mu-deok was actually Bu-yeon and that she treated her daughter horribly. She doesn’t want to lose her daughter again, so that guilt and desperation is making Ho-Gyeong obsessively try to keep Bu-yeon away from the public spotlight. She also did things to hurt her daughter, such as sewing the thread into Bu-yeon and then using it to try and call her back.

Through Dang-gu, we get to see how guilt can make you pull away from the people you love even if it hurts you. Dang-gu obviously feels guilty that he hesitated with Mu-deok and that Cho-yeon’s father died as a result. He didn’t want to keep hurting Cho-yeon, so he gave her space and avoided her. He was also in pain and hurting, but by avoiding Cho-yeon, he continued to hurt.

And then through Uk and Yul, we get to see how guilt can make you feel like you deserve to die and give up on life. Yul is feeling guilt that he didn’t speak up about Naksu and that both Uk and Naksu died as a result. Yul is feeling so guilty about what happened that he is punishing himself by not getting treatment for the blood worm. He’s also more than happy with dying because he thinks it will be a way to make amends to Uk and Naksu for what happened. And then we have Uk, who is feeling guilty that he survived but Naksu didn’t. So, he was going through the motions in life, but once he found out about Bu-yeon, he wanted the Ice Stone to be taken out so he could die and be at peace.

Out of everyone, I would say that Park Jin is probably the one who has been dealing with his guilt in the healthiest way. Even if he is horrible at cooking, he is doing something that he enjoys, spending time with the people he loves, and continuing to guide and mentor Uk, Dang-gu, and Yul even if he isn’t Songrim’s leader anymore.

It will be really interesting to see how Bu-yeon/Naksu/Yeong deals with her guilt once she realizes that she is Naksu and that she killed Uk. I think she’ll go the Dang-gu route of avoiding Uk. She’ll probably run away because she doesn’t want to hurt him again and Uk will have to chase after her.

[hermionc]

have not been able to come on here bc tumblr really brings me back to my 16-24 yr old self and she would be so affected by this. but man. i’m upset and everyone on twitter is playing woke police (as they do) and i really need to just

my one direction era kinda predates this blog actually, i was transitioning away after zayn left bc i felt like the illusion was shattered

been crying on and off the last few days. i feel horrible that he’s gone and i feel horrible for even feeling horrible

the nuance required here is beyond what i could fit on twitter, and to be honest so many people on there are just barely no longer teens themselves they have no idea how to relate to this feeling with me . like they weren’t there . and i’m glad cuz this feeling is jarring

i can’t remember mourning a celebrity before this. which is probably bc i’m only 29. like this just happened so quickly and he was so young i was in shock the first day and was like, oh, just another celebrity death whatever lols thankfully idc anymore. and then the next day the memorial posts started flooding in not only from the other boys - i know they’re grown now but we grew up together and they’ll always be those boys to me - but also from names i haven’t thought about in years - lou teasdale, josh devine, max from the wanted, greg horan 😭

and today i started to see posts from other fans.. people i had connected with over a decade ago. or people i never knew but who went through that experience with me regardless

it hits harder and harder every day. haven’t showered since tuesday. hair is a mess. was scraping by doing the bare minimum at work

now it’s the weekend and i’ll have a chance to catch my breath. or maybe just sit with it some more

liam was one of my first favorites in one direction. i was impressed with his vocal tone and range, i could always pick out his lines because at first he was just more mature and practiced than the others when it came to singing

i remember when he followed me during one of his twitter follow sprees i literally jumped off the sofa with my ipad in hand and started crying. my mom was like what is happening 😭 but she knew it had to do with That band because at that point, in my life, everything was

an escape when my teenage years were filled with so much strife - dad moving out on us after literally trying to kill my mom, brother in and out of the hospital, mom struggling to make ends meet and pay the bills while going to university for the first time in her 40s — on top of just regular teenage shit.

not fully understanding how the csa i suffered as an infant had affected me and attempting to navigate my own sexuality within that. allowing so many men to treat me as an object to be used - sexually, emotionally, whatever - bc that’s what i felt i deserved.

and almost zero support to pick up these pieces. living in shame and dealing with self doubt and downright hatred. until i realized i could find a healthier escape - not sex, not drugs, not rebelling at school - connecting with a community over music and these boys who were offering us a safe space. one direction would be there to help me handle some of the toughest life changes anyone has to deal with. emotional loss of a parent. restructuring of a household. neglect. bullying. hypersexuality. friends suicide attempts

but at the end of the day they were always there with a twtcam or a follow spree or a concert where other fans could post videos

it’s so heartbreaking to think it will never happen again. ever. because he was troubled and on drugs and fucked up from fame. we’ve seen this so many times and the news cycle will move on and life will continue for the rest of us but my god it’s so hard to stomach

someone who once offered you so much support without even knowing - made me smile on days i would have been numb or crying. whose voice comforted me more than anything else at one point.

it’s so fucking hard and complicated i guess is what i’m trying to say. and it hurts. and i don’t use this blog anymore so if you read even part of this — thank you. i love you

[manicpixxiedreambitch]

When I was eleven, my fifth grade teacher was ableist to me, not that I believe he was doing it intentionally. But he knew I had ADHD and got mad at me when I showed symptoms. He called me lazy and disobedient. He told me not to use my ADHD as an “excuse to be lazy”. He nicknamed me energizer bunny because I was showing symptoms like talking too much, going too fast, etc. One moment that stuck with me the worst though was when he pulled me into the hallway and towered over me (this part might be a little biased though, seeing as he was a grown adult and I was a small child) and he yelled at me, threatening to fail me.

For doodling on my papers. Said that even if all my work was done correctly on the assignment, if I doodled on my paper he would fail me.

And so I cried because what else was I supposed to do? I was eleven. And looking back, I know now that the doodling was a compulsive thing I did to help myself focus.

But when he saw the tears he just yelled “I don’t care if you cry!”

And I remember saying in a small voice “I know.”

I stopped doodling so much on my papers after that. Sure, I’ve drawn the occasional flower or eyeball on my papers, but not as wildly, not as freely as I used to do as a child. He engraved that fear of failing in me so bad that for years I was terrified of doodling on my papers.

Now I am in my senior year in high school. My last semester. And I just realized, that he can’t hurt me anymore. He can’t fail me. And because I’m starting a new chapter in my life, I want closure on something that hurt me for years. So last night, I sat down, and I respectfully wrote the teacher a four page letter. First I explained who I was. How I knew him. And then I apologized, and explained that this was probably not the kind of letter he was expecting. How I was writing the letter for closure. I let him know I do not hate him, and that I do not expect a response, nor do I want him to feel any guilt as a result. The letters main purpose was for him to know he hurt me.

I explained that I understand that a lot of my childhood actions had deserving consequences, however I did not deserve to be treated the way I was in his class. I told him how I was being bullied a lot, and had no friends at the time. I told him how I had ADHD, and how the way he treated me for showing symptoms was wrong. I said I felt like an alien, and I was treated like one. I brought up the nickname he gave me, how to this day I hate it. I wrote about that horrible day in the hallway, how it was from my perspective and how what he said stuck with me. How I did not realize teachers could be bullies until I entered his class. I stated that I did not deserve that. I was a child. How I am not being sensitive or a “snowflake”. How I am not saying he should have let me get away with doing anything I wanted, but he could’ve handled me as a student a little better. That my teacher was supposed to help me swim, not scold me for drowning. I was not a bad kid. I was a troubled kid. And yeah, I know you can’t help everyone, but it still hurt me.

And then I explained once again that I was sorry that this wasn’t the kind of letter he expected to receive from a former student. That perhaps to another student he might have been Mr. Falker, but not to me.

I am not lazy, I am not willfully disobedient, I am a human being. I have a human voice, and human emotions. And he did not treat me as such that day in the hallway, or when I was in his class. How the phrase “I don’t care if you cry” will forever sting at me any time I am upset.

I told him that I am in my senior year in high school. I am looking into a career in the field of art. And I write books, I am an author. And unfortunately, I can give no credit to that man for these accomplishments.

And after I finished writing the letter, I started doodling all over the margins. It was uncomfortable at first, it felt like I had artists block for doodling. But then I remembered all of the doodles I used to draw all those years ago, and I started doodling more. And as soon as most of the margins were covered, I know this sounds dramatic, but I swear I heard my fifth grade self laughing. She was saying “You’re gonna get in trouble! He’s gonna fail you!” And I was hit with the most sobering thought. “He’s not.”

[jimin-my-sunshine]

After that, do you still think they love each other romantically? Soulmates? Look, I never doubted their friendship... I still like their intentions and that's why I watch the show because they're so cute and funny together, but it's not the first time JK has been this 'violent' with Jimin... when he was a teenager, it was somehow justified because he was practically a child. But now he's going on 30 and it makes me uncomfortable. A person in love, no matter how much trust there is, wouldn't treat their partner like that... honestly, it was really hard for me to admit this because before I did believe in that, but as I grew up, I realized things that are wrong... I'd like to know your opinion.

Well, they're twin flames- soul mates are different.

Soul mates only come into your life for a short while to 'teach' you some important lessons about life and then they leave.

So, it's similar to how not everyone will stay in your life, you know?

You have people that you just grow out of and you move on.

��

Twin flames are a lot more complex and even after almost a decade of my own personal experiences with it- it still doesn't make much sense, but it's something you need to experience first hand in order to understand.

"You are me and I am you.."

So, they know fully well what they are to each other, because that's what this line means.

Twin flames are another part of you that exist outside of a different physical body.

They are made of the same 'essence' or 'spirit' as you are- whatever you wish to call it.

You share the same DNA and they are you, in another body.

°

This show of theirs has honestly shaped my entire view on their relationship so much more differently, as opposed to what I thought it was and I've been really conflicted and confused.

For years now, I have quietly supported them from the sidelines, due to how they seemed so genuine and sincere.

But now, I'm realizing how everything has been very one sided and I can't believe I never noticed it before- because the signs were there.

I just didn't 'want' to see it 😓

I've been so heartbroken over this, because I really didn't want to believe that Jungkook could be like this with him.

°

It's very clear that Jimin feels exceptionally strongly about Jungkook and he's shown this to the public several times, but Jungkook obviously doesn't feel the same.

Or he wouldn't treat him like this.

I was horrified by what happened in the third episode- but then episode five was so much more worse.

It's honestly really scary how Jungkook can get so fucking angry like that.

I have no idea where it even came from, because everything was totally fine and then he just snaps out of fucking nowhere and it was uncalled for.

The manipulation afterwards- forcing Jimin to apologize, even though there was nothing to apologize for.

And then Taehyung was rude with him inside of the vehicle on the way back.

It seems to me, they just like to gang up on him when they're together and that's so fucked up.

It's horribly toxic and I'm not someone who will just throw that word around- but that's what it is.

Jimin deserves a hell of a lot fucking better than this...

Jungkook loves him, since he is being genuine when he speaks their motto 'You are me and I am you', but he allows his behavior to get in the way and it's not as unconditional as it should be.

Jimin on the other hand- there's no doubt in my mind that he loves Jungkook unconditionally, because he shows it in what he does.

I know that Jungkook isn't perfect- he's far from it like the rest of us, but he needs to take accountability for his actions.

°

People still continue to justify what Jungkook does and there's so many 'asks' that I get regarding this...

It makes me so angry, because they're invalidating the abuse that is right in front of their faces and pretending it's not happening.

Considering how big this community is, if everyone was to speak up about it- we'd be able to do something for Jimin, because there's power in numbers.

It's one of the reasons why I won't go back in the shadows again.

I knew these things were going on, since I'm so emotionally entwined with Jimin- but I didn't have any solid proof.

Now that I do, I'm not going to stop speaking out on the hate and abuse he has been getting.

No matter who it's from, because it's wrong and very out of line.

°

Many people have been trying to tell me that it's in their culture to be like this with each other- but that doesn't mean it's right.

The Asian community can be incredibly violent and yes, this is the way they are a lot of times- but you don't just justify it by saying something like that.

Just because it's the way things are, doesn't mean it's the way it should be.

They've grown so accustomed to it, that they just figure it's the 'norm', but things can be different if they want them to be.

There's so much stigma surrounding all of this and I realize I may be one of the first to even attempt to speak on such things here- but it's something that should have been spoken about a long time ago.