#Happenstance Theater

[unproduciblesmackdown]

better documenting the lore from the 1:20:00 mark of this podcast episode ft. joe iconis:

"The, um, my—my musical, uh, Be More Chill, which has, there's—there's a lot in…its DNA that is—is very similar to, uh, to Little Shop, and on—we, y'know, we closed on, uh, we closed on Broadway in, y'know, summer of 2019, and it was, um, it w—it was hard, because, y'know, it's—I've been in the business for a while, and I—I'm pretty scrappy, and I—I—I do shows with, like, y'know, like, a lot of the same people, I have this sort of family of artists who I do stuff with, and, um, so, y'know, Be More Chill was our first—our first really big thing, and—and so it—y-y'know, the closing was hard, and, um… The—the show ended, and I did this sorta song on the stage of the theater, and everyone was crying and everything, and someone—someone came up to me, and they were like, 'Um, Rick—Rick Moranis is here.' And I was like, 'What?!'" "Oh my god…" "'Yeah, Rick Moranis, like, randomly came to see the show today. D'you wanna meet him?' And I was like, 'Yeah!' And so it was this bizarre thing where Rick Moranis just popped up. The—" "Oh my lord." "The final performance on Broadway—as if, like, yeah, some—some, y'know, some amazing a-angel of nerdy, sci-fi horrordom…just appeared." "I'm so jealous." "Yeah, that's incredible."

[comatosebunny09]

Because y’all got me on the actor!Sylus bandwagon, imagine being a writer for one of his films. And somehow, someway, because of that chance encounter, you end up dating.

After keeping your relationship low-key for about a year, you decide to break it off with him. He’s been nothing short of wonderful, and your relationship has felt like a dream. But you lead two very different lives.

He’s a heartthrob, the envy of all men, and the object of every woman’s fantasies. People don’t even stay in the theater long enough to see your name credited as a writer when the credits roll.

Besides, you’ve seen how natural he looks, surrounded by beautiful actresses, singers, and models. You don’t think you fit his image and know he could do better. He’s heartbroken but lets you go because if it’s what you want, he’s not one to keep you chained to him (despite how much it crushes him not to wake up to your smile anymore).

Some months after your relationship ends, you meet again by happenstance during a screening of his newest film. He shows up with a pretty, young thing on his arm, and she seems to fit his vibe well. But as the cameras flash and photographers shout for his attention, Sylus can’t keep his eyes off you, moving over the red carpet without so much as a shout for a photo.

When the credits roll for the viewing, everyone attends an after-party to celebrate finishing the film. Sylus eventually corners you, begging in his own little way for you to come back to him.

With a forlorn smile, you remind him that you’re not all prim and pretty like the women he should be pursuing. But Sylus is like, “Fuck that, I want you. I’ve always wanted you.”

And maybe he takes you back to his mansion to show you how much he’s missed you these last few months.

[singukieee]

—my all time favourite bts fics (pt. 2) ᯓᡣ𐭩

consists of my personal favourite bts fics that I've read countless of times. including those from other platforms, such as Wattpad, AO3, and Patreon.

For some works that are cross-posted between tumblr and wp/ao3, I'd only link them to the latters bcs I find it easier to read and navigate the stories on those. but I also tagged all the authors I know are here and linked the rest so you can check their blogs out yourself!

I'll also separate this list into several parts simply because there's too many... So it'd be easier for you guys to navigate!

red means unfinished

blue means finished

🗯️ editor's note

(sorted by alphabetical order)

Dreams of You by seoktishie

You are a theater actress who dreams of becoming a successful Broadway star. You’ve dedicated your whole life hustling for the show, surrounded by a supportive family and friends you never thought you would lose your best friend and boyfriend on the same day. This puts your dreams to a halt, and you decide to take a break and a soul-searching trip to Korea, where you meet a successful artist that reconnects your love for the arts. OR You accidentally meet Kim Namjoon of BTS, and you had no idea of how an amazing person he is nor how he is the leader of the biggest boyband to date!

🗯️ the yearning and pining *chef's kiss*

Epiphany by 2stanornot2stan

Your soulmate mark seemed self-centred to you "I'm the one I should love" Who would ever want to love someone with that as their soulmate mark?

🗯️ this one is painful. but writing's so good, doesn't fail in pulling my heartstrings.

Escapade by bonnehh_

"Where the hell am I?!" He shrieked, stumbling over his feet like a newborn deer. He was a panicking mess, spinning around in circles to see the unfamiliar sight of giant trees and bushy plants covering the land. The forest was heavily rich with greenery, vegetation and strange fruits. Fallen leaves covered the ground, creating a crunching sound after every step he took. "Calm down, Sweets." I calmly voiced amidst his loud screeches. My words cut through his mess of a mind making him freeze on his spot. Turning on his heel, he noticed me. He stumbled back immediately, possibly because I was covered in angry, red scratches and the bandages covering my arms alerted the male. "What the fudge?!!?! Who- who are you??" He shouted, alarmed by my…seemingly beaten-up figure. "I'm Diana. Welcome to the game." I smiled softly. Hoping my excitement can keep a hold of itself for the sake of keeping the man from getting scared. Dumbfounded, He could only let one word out, "Huh?". Oh boy.

🗯️ a cool one! many adventures and mc has freakishly good survival skills. this honestly cured my longing for that one fic that's no more that was also survival, adventure and game themed with slight crack. I think it was called 'Ready Player One'? (not that famous book and movie). but I think it was a translated ver of a chinese ff on another platform. Idk I still missed it very much, it was also very good. (If you know anything abt this, pls dm me!)

Ethereal by @purpleyoonn

After leaving your home in need of a fresh start, you open a bookstore with the hopes that the words you read could bring you solace. You never realized that the books you loved would bring you home instead.

🗯️ I love soulmate stories, this author also has good writing so

Euphoric Endeavours by haveagreatday

Through a series of curious happenstances, the Boys of Bangtan - your campus' most popular and most handsome group of individuals - set their sights on you, a regular student with a stubborn streak and a wayward mouth. Strangely enough, the mere sight of them sets your instincts off, red-lights flashing in your brain - danger, danger, danger, danger. It's too bad that they can't seem to leave you alone, though. They like you too much.

🗯️ enemies to lovers, anyone?

Everything Falls (Into Place) by Hiromi_20 / @blog-name-idk

"I… I might know someone who has a spare room," your brother finally muttered hesitantly. You perked up from where the couch had been swallowing you. "What! And you didn't tell me?" You accused. "You'd be living with a bunch of dudes." "Oh my god Jackson," you groaned, rolling your eyes. "The fact that you're even suggesting them means that you know them all and they're good people, right? It's not like they're gonna murder me and hide my body in the walls or something." "Well, yeah, but…" "But WHAT?" you almost screamed in frustration. "They're all… hot." Silence for several moments. Then you started guffawing uncontrollably, unladylike snorts escaping from your lips. "You are such a dork," you gasped between laughs, tears coming to your eyes. "If I promise not to let them gangbang me, will you please ask?"

🗯️ another really well-written crack fic! goshhh this one's so goood! this one's the real friends to lovers, gosh the pining is just *chef's kiss*

Finding My Pack by @untaemedqueen (paid on Patreon but so worth it)

In which an all-alpha pack unexpectedly found their mate isolated in a sterile room. So the only right thing would be to pamper and love her to make up for all those years she spent alone and lonely.

🗯️ spicyy ��� but also cute. I love protective mates

Flaw in The System by Strayberry_

She has 8 moons on her wrist. So do they.

🗯️ honestly Idk what to say about this one. just prepare your tissues for this family of misfits that fit so well together.

Full House by fillomina

Y/N has a steady job and lives alone, that is, until she tags along with her friend to the shelter. Jimin, Hobi, and Yoongi have been waiting to get adopted, and their chance has finally arrived. With the small hybrid pack now living with Y/N, her life never has a dull moment. As Y/N gets used to her new family, she also begins learning more about old friends, making new ones, and getting a very full house.

🗯️ I'd say that I don't like the fact that yn's kinda treated as a doormat at some parts, but it's still good and quite well-written found family fic.

Getting Back Into The Swing of Things by @jellifysh

Hearing her voice now, Namjoon was reminded of the times when she was all he had. How she was his everything, supported him with everything she had, even if it meant giving him the shirt off her back. "Joon?" Y/n sniffled. "I know it sounds crazy, you don't even have to, its been years," "No," Namjoon was agreeing before he could even think, before he could even remember the other people who lived in the house just the next room over. "No, its okay, I mean, we promised each other right? We'd never turn our backs on each other?" "You can stay with us, it'll be fine I promise, I'll handle everything, don't worry at all, it'll be great! Like, old times, okay?" Namjoon was tripping over his words now, he just felt like if he didn't see her now, he would be too late for… something. What, he wasn't sure, but there was an urgent need to have her home safe.

🗯️ just re-read this one again literally yesterday, still as good as the first time. I love strangers to friends to lovers.

Her by untouchablerave

The question hangs between you, and you’re desperate to ask it. Usually, you don’t mind much who is on the other end of the appointment, as you’re so focused on a list of kinks, trying to map out a scene in your head, but this time, the ‘who’ is all you can focus on. Your boss looks at you. “I can’t believe I’m about to say this but… do you know BTS?” Your head snaps up in shock. “You’re fucking with me,” you gasp. “I’m dead serious,” your boss replies. “Jeon Jungkook just came of age. He wants to lose it right away.”

🗯️ spicy but soft soft softtt

Hidden Marks series by Havenesa

❶ Hidden Marks

What does it mean to be soulmates? What do I love about her? What is the reason? Does there need to be a rational reason to love someone? Maybe I love her amber eyes, or the way she tries to hide her smile whenever we get into playful arguments, or her love for just living. Maybe I just love her because she is simply just Han Sera.

🗯️ This one's so angsty yet so good, the writing's also so good at making the characters so human that I'd always end up sobbing at every re-read.

❷ Connecting Hearts

What defines a soulmate? Is it the mark that you were born with, only shared with a selected few? Or a bond which was created through pain and suffering? You'll have to read to find out.

Highlight by Alphathyx

Hana attends Atlas Academy of Arts also known as the AAA to pursue her passions in Hiphop with best friend Hoseok and Prince Charming Jimin. The school gets selected along with other arts schools to compete in an inter-school competition which prize could open doors to any arts students dreams. She along with seven boys, discover what it means to love, but a tragic incident spirals the competition and them into a mystery no one saw coming.

🗯️ friendship and struggle to success <3

Hotel California by Deliebre

You are a badass business guru that works for a huge gaming company. Your home is Korea but you travel often. You are in California for work but keep bumping into hot Korean men, which makes you want to do more than bumping...

🗯️ immediate connection... yes please!

In The Dark by BearPawBeach

"How can that be? I am looking right at you. I am speaking to you right now." "That's the thing. I don't know! That's why I came here today. Yesterday, when you laughed at me, you laughed at me. I almost didn't believe it myself, but the more I thought about it, the crazier it sounded. So I came here to see you and to know if you can see me!" she blurted out. He could not believe the words that were coming out of her mouth. "Look, you don't need to lie to me. There is no need to make up some crazy excuse to meet someone." "I'm not lying! I really am invisible," she argued back. The man just threw his hands up to concede and turned to walk away from her again, walking right out of the building. The girl followed in hot pursuit. "Do you really not believe me? Why would I make something like that up? Yes, I know it sounds crazy. If I were you, I would probably think it's nuts too, but I am telling you the truth!"

🗯️ mc is invisible in this one, story's kinda sad and cute!

In Your Roots by sweetinsanityy

Jungkook is the perfect alpha, a little too perfect. Being the youngest in Bangtan, a group full of alpha's, friction has been happening between him and the boys. He's too strong, too dominating, too wild, and too much for Bangtan to handle. The perfect solution? An omega just for himself. You happen to be the perfect candidate. But the other boys want a taste of you as well. Or, you're hired to be an omega for Jungkook to take care of, and maybe he and the rest of the boys get too attached.

🗯️ another one about the boys being absolute simps!

Iridescent Love by @imnotlauriane

From a fated meeting to a life filled with wonders, the path of discovery is much, much harder than what I had prepared myself for. Especially when my identity, the only one I knew of ends up being a total lie.

🗯️ sad... but it got better. and what did I say abt imnotlauriane's stories? they're all good!

It's a Little Complex? by Infired_Mochi

Starting college and moving into a new apartment with complete independence has been your goal. Due to all the hard work at the cafe during your high school years, and your parents pitching in a few dollars, you can afford to stay in the apartment that is just the right size. However, did you get more than you bargained for? A few other college students occupy the rooms next to yours, seven to be exact. Eight rooms reside on the third floor of the apartment complex and yours is on the farthest right wing, apartment number 308. Just wait until you meet them.

🗯️ sooo it's a little complex... just read it!

Late Bloomer by basicwitch13

Despite growing up in a wolf pack, you were never able to shift nor had a second gender present itself. It seemed, by all accounts, that you were a typical human. So you carried on, burying yourself in your work as a sociology professor—until one of your students introduces you to his pack and changes everything.

🗯️ yes to yearning, pining, and healing.

Like Crazy by @euphoricfilter

The story of seven loves across eight lives.

🗯️ so freakin well-written

Little Do You Know... by @yoongiofmine

In a world where idols and actors can’t date, whether it be because of contracts, lack of time, or the dangers that involve having your personal life leaked, the market opened up for a new work field. Playmate Agencies emerged to supply the entertainment world with highly trained companions for hire. Bangtan is looking for new playmates. And you just happen to be the one all of them choose.

🗯️ another idk what to sayy, just read bcs it's so gooood.

Magic Shop by AriZedd

In which Yn is meeting new friends (and an old one) getting charmed day by day.

🗯️ just read this crack fic, strangers to friends to ... I'm obsessed.

PART 1 | PART 3 | PART 4 | NAVI

[heavenboundhotel]

✨THE RADIO DEMON✨

Name: Alistair Clémenceau

Species/Origin: Sinner, Deer Demon

Gender/Pronouns: Male, He/Him

Sexuality: Aromantic Asexual

Year of Birth: 1891

Year of Death: 1933

Appearance:

Personality:

Alistair is a charmer, he's extremely charismatic and extremely manipulative. He knows exactly how to get under people's skin - and how to get what he wants. He's grown quite cocky with all of the power he's obtained in Hell, but has no issues concealing it when necessary and adopting a more humble front. He often acts cheerfully while still never letting those around him forget what he's capable of, as one of the most powerful overlords in Hell. He doesn't make his intentions known, ever, he's a showman who uses theatricality to get his way. Literally unable to stop smiling, he hides his true emotions behind a mask of uncomfortable cheeriness and personability. He's very traditional, refusing to modernize throughout his 91 years in Hell and holding himself to standards of decency from the time and place in which he lived.

Backstory:

Alistair Clémenceau was born in 1891 into the world of New Orleans, Louisiana, with the oppressive structures of the Jim Crow South looming over it. His heritage was complicated: his mother was dark-skinned, descended from a free black family of pre-abolition times, and through happenstance found herself forced to raise her son alone. His white-passing Creole father washed his hands of the generations-internalized bias and did not want to risk his reputation in a relationship scorned by society. Alistair's mother was left to her own devices: fighting stigma as a single woman of color, she turned to sex work to support herself and her son. The quiet sacrifices of his mother hit Alistair deep, and he grew up with a lingering respect for her strength and kindness. Her struggles outlined his fierce independence, teaching him how to survive in a world that was almost consistently looking down on him and how to mask his anger and longing. 

Alistair's mother did everything in her power to make his life the best possible. His mama was a fierce protector, working very hard to shield her son from the harsh judgments of the world. She instilled an early appreciation for performance in Alistair; she snuck him into theater houses, music halls, and later, jazz clubs. 

Early on, he had discovered the magic of the radio—a medium that to him seemed to speak secrets into the air. He was transfixed by voices that traveled, invisible, across distance, binding people in one common experience. He loved the voice, dislocated from identity—some kind of anonymity, some sort of power he later would crave for himself. He had started playing with crude radios as a child, even putting on little "on-air" shows for the scant audience of his mother and neighborhood friends. His mother encouraged his talents, taking pride in his ambition, and while Alistair's dreams grew bigger than New Orleans, he treasured those early performances for the bond it created between them. 

But as Alistair grew older, darker aspects of his personality would emerge. Life in the harsh South had taught him early that mercy could be a fatal weakness, and he had learned that lesson well as means of survival. He felt invisible, oppressed, and alienated, and soon nurtured an intense sense of disdain for this society that had condemned him and his mother. Somewhere in this churning inner landscape, a deadly predilection began to stir. 


Alistair found his subcultural niche as a faceless radio voice under a pseudonym when he was a young adult. His voice then was his instrument to voice anything he would want to say, sans the constraint of his persona. Behind the melodious voice was a macabre secret: he began killing, channeling years of rage and pain into his twisted "hobby." Skilled in passing under the radar, those he killed were symbolic to him—representations of hypocrisy and cruelty, people he thought were more vile than himself—and never women. The longer this went on, the more he reveled in his crimes—both of flesh and of control. Thus, he became a cannibal, grotesque appetite not to be publicly displayed.


As Alistair descended into darkness, he found his companion in Madeline "Maisie" Auclair, a jazz singer and flapper. Maisie was one of the few individuals who actually saw both the charmer and the dangerous man beneath the mask; nights with her in smoky jazz clubs were an escape for Alistair. They bonded over their shared cynicism and humor, Maisie offering him an unusual kind of acceptance, even if she didn't fully understand the extent of his violent life. 

But finally, the bloody double life of Alistair unraveled. In 1933, he was caught hiding a body; his elusive anonymity shattered in that second. He fled, but the police tracked him down, shooting him in the leg before unleashing dogs on him.


In Hell, a speaker implanted in his chest carries his voice, and he can revel in the theatrics that he so enjoyed in life. Hellproved to be fertile ground for his ambitions, and he rose through the ranks until his charisma and manipulations brought him to the status of an overlord feared by many. Clinging to an outdated sense of honor, he refused to change and cloaked his words in an unsettlingly charismatic air. And yet, still buried beneath the cynicism and the cruelties was respect for his mother's ferocity.


Lately, Alistair has been fascinated by the Prince of Hell and her plans for some kind of redemption project. That fascination may well be pure entertainment value or may mask something rather darker, but his eyes are upon her, and Alistair does little without a purpose in mind.

[pwderedsugar]

cant stop thinking about the baby assad gifs… what if he met eric then…. cute nineteen year old getting into the theatre scene and older renowned playwright that takes a shine to him…. im insane im so sorry

when i tell you i’ve thought of that scenario so many times… it’s always two insane bitches telling each other exactlyyyyy. i go back and forth between them meeting by chance with assad going on holiday with his family to nyc and him meeting a man who can get him connections in the theater world or a time travel situation where assad is transported back to 2009 nyc so he knows how to find eric. either way, eric has just published perforated heart and little assad shows up to/happens upon a book signing and eric finds himself so endeared especially if it’s the time travel scenario because this kid is so precocious and has great insight for someone so young and he’s claiming to have read everything he’s written too?

the other scenario where it’s by happenstance is so appealing too. they end up sitting next to each other on the subway (maybe assad has split from his family to go see a play) and eric is trying to read a new script he’s just gotten but he can feel the fidgety person next to him staring and it’s distracting so he decides he’s going to snap at them to knock it off/tell them to take a picture if they like what they see so much or that autographs are 20 bucks. when he turns his head though and finally looks at whoever it is he’s met with the wide bright eyes of a kid with a mop of dark shiny hair. he’s so stunningly beautiful that eric can’t speak for a moment and the boy takes the moment of pause to shyly ask if eric is an actor, pointing his chin at eric’s script. eric, a true wordsmith, just says “yeah.” assad says he is too but then quickly and nervously appends that he’s only done small theater stuff and school productions back home and tells eric that he’s headed to a play rn. eric says he’s been in the theater scene for decades now so if assad wants he could probably get him backstage to whatever play he’s going to see. assad accepts and whoever the fictional person that’s the director of the play is has assad perform something short for them and eric is impressed at how well the kid kills his shyness and transforms into someone else.

[blainesebastian]

lunch break

words: 1,631 ship: austin butler x reader summary: (anon request) “what's your take on Aus unexpectedly coming to visit reader at work? :)” notes: masterlist on my sidebar and linked here!  warnings: none tag list: @killerqueenfan, @karamelcoveredolicity, @elizabethrosecresswell, @gigisworldsstuff, @stylesmendeshearted, @rairaielv

You don't consider your job as something very high end or glamorous, it's kinda a step in the direction of what you want your future to be but haven’t yet acquired. Then again, that makes it sound like you aren’t in control of what’s keeping you immobile, behind barriers and walls, but in fact you’re in charge of your own hourglass. When the sand runs out, instead of making decisions, you just turn the thing over and start the process all again.

Wanting to write your own novel is somehow a cycled mixture of self-doubt and self-loathing—every time you think you’ve come up with an idea that would actually prompt you to put words to paper, you get so caught up in your own thoughts that it’s almost paralyzing. One day, you think, you’ll move the needle forward…today’s just not that day.

That isn’t to say that you don’t love your job, you do—you lead an editing team for a publishing company, your hands are constantly touching the pages of books, of someone else’s thoughts and dreams, blood, sweat and tears. There’s no shame in the work…you just feel like you could be doing more. Austin is endlessly supportive, no matter how many times you ride and sink on the waves of ideas. He’s the one constant, the one person in which you can depend on to completely encourage your dream and push you towards it when you feel like running away.

It feels funny to say things like ‘destiny’ or ‘fate’—as a writer, there has to be better words out there to use and yet nothing feels so all encompassing as meeting Austin just in happenstance at a bar near your apartment. You knew who he was, of course, and hadn’t even thought to enter his orbit until he approached you and a few friends playing darts and asked if he could join in. Out of all the other dart boards, in all the bars in New York, Austin found himself at that specific one, with you—and things just bloomed from there.

It's kinda difficult to wrap your head around sometimes, as if these experiences and steps in your relationship don’t always feel real. Austin is someone who lives larger than life in many different aspects…and for some reason, you’re included in that. You’re really working on accepting that you deserve good things like this, despite how many times you may need to remind yourself. There might be plenty of excuses as to why a relationship between you two wouldn’t work…but there are so many reasons about why it does. You lean into that as often as possible.

Among many things that you can say about Austin, you appreciate that he’s pretty private with his personal life. He isn’t very active on social media and he keeps you out of the public eye as much as he can, warmth fluttering in your chest as you think about him being protective, looking out for you. You don’t realize how much you appreciate that with the few events you have gone with him to—it’s not that you don’t want to be supportive, of course you do, but cameras constantly being shoved into your face, the endless questions that sometimes toe the line of appropriate, the pressure to always be on, pleasant, accommodating. It’s a lot to get used to, a lot to be able to adapt to.

In spite of this, in small circles and unfortunately your much larger ones, people know you’re dating Austin. It was a giant ‘watercooler’ topic at work when it first happened, the Elvis film had just come out in theaters and Austin’s name was slingshot into a lot of headlines, a lot of ads, a lot of social media. Most people respected your privacy, but you definitely had moments of being ambushed in the break room with coffee.

For the most part, it’s settled down. There’s the occasional whispering you can hear as you pass cubicles to head to your office, which pretty much only happens when you attend some sort of event with Austin. You’ve never really thought to invite him to anything that’s had to do with your work—not that you wouldn’t enjoy showing him off, because you’re constantly proud of him and the work he’s doing. But honestly? The last thing you want is for it to come across like you have him on your arm like some sort of accessory or cause absolute chaos with anyone you work with who are fans.

Never say never—one of these days you’ll invite him to your office, let him see where you work as you’ve been invited on set. One compared to the other is obviously more exciting, but you want Austin to feel just as included in your world.

Letting out a soft breath, you look down at your phone as it buzzes with a message from Austin. Speaking of—a smile tugs the corners of your mouth as you tap open the message,

Austin: you eat today?

And that’s something you can definitely appreciate him for. You’ve been known to bury yourself in work that you’re always losing track of time. Between edits, meetings, phone calls, a few coffee breaks, it’s easy to get lost in the sauce.

Y/N: not yet—does iced coffee count? 😊

A few moments pass before,

Austin: you definitely know the answer to that

You smirk before setting your phone down, checking the time and rolling your eyes. Alright, he’s right (though you’re not about to message him that). You’ll take a break in ten, you suppose it is two PM already, and get something to eat. You gotta pull a longer night than usual to get this book edit in by six AM tomorrow, so…need fuel for that.

Closing a few tabs on your laptop, you type in a place nearby that has tacos to see if they deliver, when a string of conversations catch your attention from down the hallway. It’s not particularly loud with your door ajar, but something is definitely going on that you’re missing. Maybe someone put an entire order in for food again for the department…that’s only happened once but it was so nice. You don’t think you heard a fire alarm going off or anything…

Letting out a sigh, you pull yourself from your desk to tug your door open, moving to walk out and around the corner when you bump right into—

You blink, “Austin?”

Your boyfriend lets out a soft amused breath, steadying you with his one hand along your arm. You feel like your brain is kinda short circuiting because this…is the last place you expected him to be? Taking him in, the black slacks, typical boots, black leather jacket with a soft blue sweater underneath, you realize he has a lanyard that says VISITOR on his chest.

And then all the blocks start clicking into place—he came up the elevator, stopped at the front desk, actually signed in and asked where your office was and walked…down the hallway, which explains the commotion. Your eyes dart over his shoulder to take in the state of the office and it seems to be a mix of people gawking or minding their own business. Your cheeks kiss pink as your gaze fixes once again on your boyfriend as you realize he’s got a bag in his hand,

“Did you—”

Austin glances down at the bag as you back up in the office and he lingers in the doorway for a moment, “Yeah, you like that taco place on the corner, right?”

You can’t help but grin, your stomach rumbling in pleased excitement as you reach to take the bag, “I do…I didn’t realize you were bringing me lunch.”

“I like to surprise you every now and then,” He teases, moving to brush your hair off your forehead, “Keeps things interestin’ so you don’t dump me.”

You roll your eyes but it’s definitely fond, smiling up at him, “Thank you.” It’s actually really sweet of him to think of you, especially since he knew you were close to skipping lunch anyways…or is it practically dinner? There has to be more important things to do on his schedule and yet he’s here, making sure you’re taking care of yourself.

Austin leans down to press a kiss to your lips and it’s out of instinct that you flinch, tilting your head a little sideways. He raises his eyebrows, a soft laugh leaving his lips, “What’s goin’ on with that?”

God—you hadn’t meant to do that, not exactly anyways. You can feel people’s eyes on you from outside your office, watching your interactions with your boyfriend, like being placed on a slide underneath a microscope. And while you don’t care what people think, it’s more just…wanting to keep things with Austin where they belong, between the two of you, not meant to be shared with anyone else. But the last thing you want is for Austin to somehow think you’re embarrassed to be with him,

“Sorry—” You shake your head, “People talk about me—it’s just,” You roll your eyes, “You know, gossip. It’s just noise.” You wave your hand in nonchalance, giving Austin a small smile. You’re hoping he can stick around a while, maybe share some chips with you.

He hums a little, glancing over his shoulder before rolling back on the balls of his feet. “I see.” He then takes a step forward into your space, forcing you to look up at him as he closes the distance,

“Let’s give them somethin’ to talk about then.”

A soft laugh leaves your lips, your stomach fluttering in heated butterflies as Austin leans down to kiss you and closes your office door.

[t4tails]

No, like. I've seen people interpret the theater part of Riddler's backstory as him just wanting to get closer to his nowadays ex boyfriend but like...

This is Edward Nygma who we are talking about?! Do we not think that he would break someone's wrist just to have a spotlight?! Do we not know the Riddler as a fucking bitch who would do anything for a simple crumb of attention.

Personally, I think he just ended up dating as a happenstance more than: "He fucking preyed on this guy." type of deal... like, I don't think that's how you wanna read the bisexual story as the character secretly waiting to pounce on his romantic interest.

HELLO who is interpreting it like that... this motherfucker LOVES to perform he may not technically be an actor but its a similar line of work. he would absolutely do anything to do so in front of a stadium of people. he probably barely registered this guys existence at the beginning

[decenthumanart]

Dumb background ideas for ttrpg classes/jobs

A middle aged barbarian that goes into a rage by yelling “LET ME SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!” Bonus points if their name is Barb

A bard that gets their magical powers from the art of memes. Often casts spells like hideous laughter, viscous mockery and confusion

A cleric that stans a famous boy band so hard that they gained magical powers from their devotion. Optional: reflavour their subclass to domain of parasociality

A druid/paladin that has vowed to avenge their childhood best friend, a sewer rat, that was killed by an exterminator

A fighter that actually sucks at fighting and uses dramatic theater stunts that barely even touches the target. It honestly just confuses the enemy more than anything else

A sorcerer that spend all their youth as a gamer only consuming energy drinks. It altered their body permanently and now they have weird magic because of it

A rogue that got super good at sneaking and hiding because they just really love listening to peoples gossip

A character that only became a ranger because they liked how it sounded in fiction. They honestly really suck at it and hate being outside, but they thrive on how 🌱✨aesthetic✨🌱 they feel when they shoot their bow

A person so deeply devoted to their job that they have become a warlock. Their boss isn’t magical though so it’s really weird how that happend?

A wizard who only accidentally learned all their spell while being bored on their job at the magic shop

A character that became a necromancer by complete happenstance as the dark necromancy circle sent an invitation to the wrong address by accident

A character that became a healer after their many chaotic small siblings somehow always managed to hurt themselves and it simply became annoying to heal them without magic after a while…

I wanna see these being played so bad now lol, love these stupid guys

[aubreyaubretia]

Legacy

There are dead people in my phone.

Ghosts of my past in my contacts list. Old friends from my childhood. Old friends from middle school. Old friends from high school. Old friends from college. Old friends from old games. Old friends from old hobbies. Old accounts that I still follow. Friends, mentors, role models, enemies, lovers, and family members by blood or by bond.

Their names all still in my phone, as if I could reach out and get back in contact with them and they could actually still reply. Our last words said to each other still visible in our dead chats, archived like mosquitoes in amber. "See you soon." "See you later." "I love you." "I hope you're doing well." "Merry Christmas." "Happy New Year." "Happy Birthday." "I miss you." "I'm thinking of you." "I hope we'll meet again some day."

I carry them all with me. Phone to phone. Place to place. State to state. All in my heart and in my hand and in my pocket. I am made from the people who I love. I am a patchwork of past lives. A quilt of past loves. A collage of past interests. I am a crucible of things that are. Things that were. Things that will never happen. I carry their unfulfilled dreams with me. Lives gone too soon. Words left unsaid. Loves left unsatisfied. I hum their favorite songs, shown to me with smiles on their faces, one ear bud in their ear, one in mine. I read their favorite books, recommended to me on the floors of libraries and classrooms and in the backs of school buses. I watch their favorite movies, given to me on DVDs I forgot to return, shown to me during hang outs long since forgotten, seen in theaters I cannot remember the names of.

I remember getting the news from one source or another. Some accident. Some tragedy. Some unfortunate happenstance. Sometimes I don't get the news at all. Abandoned profile pages. Mutual friends eulogizing on final posts. Obituaries I stumble upon. Gone too soon, and with no warning. Or ample warning. Or by choice. Gone, gone, gone, but not forgotten just yet. I live on, and I love on, like a bulletin board filled to bursting with the creations from children's crayons. A light post swathed in a gown of paper fliers, swaddled against the cold winter air. An overpass wall, graffitied, painted over, and graffitied over and over and over again, each coat of paint a layer of history like rings on a tree. All with messages, with letters, with texts reading over and over and over again different words with different meanings, but all reducing down to: "We were here." "We were here." "We were here." And I am here. I am here. I am here. Until I am gone. And then I become a sturdy stitch in your quilt, doing my best to keep you warm. A colorful flier on your light post, reminding you of a time long since past, plastered over with more recent things. A cheerful tune you hum, but can't remember where you first heard it. And in that way, I hope you remember me. I am here. I am here. I am here. Until I am gone.

[quickdeaths]

【ME & 𝗣𝗘𝗢𝗣𝗟𝗘 𝗜'𝗗 𝗟𝗜𝗞𝗘 𝗧𝗢 𝗚𝗘𝗧 𝗧𝗢 𝗞𝗡𝗢𝗪 𝗕𝗘𝗧𝗧𝗘𝗥】

- ALIAS / NAME: Bryn, Ya Girl, Hey You

- BIRTHDAY: March 20

- ZODIAC SIGN: Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh pisces/aries cusp but I will be honest I don't know much about astrology - I consider it harmless fun but it is harmless fun that I do not participate in, feel free to drag my ass because that's EXACTLY what a pisces/aries/pisces-aries would say

- HEIGHT: 5'11

- HOBBIES: Reading, writing, video games, dungeons and dragons/other TTRPGs, hanging out with the fam and/or the squad, watching tv sometimes when I can get the adhd to be quiet and focus on something. I like studying, too, to a point, and I would like to get back to like Working On A Skill in some way. Maybe polishing up my Japanese back to where it was when I lived abroad?

- FAVORITE COLOR: I say purple, which is kind of true, but actually a like, darker blue purple, like an indigo.

- FAVORITE BOOK: I'm annoyingly that girl you went to school with who loved all the books that they made you read. If there is a classic novel from like, 1800-1960 that they made you read in school, I like it, probably. I would also say, when I was in high school, which probably was (along with college) the time that I read most for pleasure, as well, I was really emotionally affected by Ned Vizzini's It's Kind of a Funny Story, Jostein Gaarder's Sophie's World, and Tim O'Brien's Going After Cacciato and considered them faves.

Probably what I would say now though is Imogen Binnie's Nevada. I read it on a flight down to a weekend work retreat, read it on the flight, in the cab, and skipped dinner/informal meeting to read it all in one sitting. It's not an easy book to read, nor a "fun" one in a lot of ways, but I read it over 5 years ago and I think it about it constantly. It feels very raw and honest, and like 10 years after publication, I feel its influence on so much queer literary fiction.

There's also some books of poetry that I hold in high regard. I have Paul Muldoon's Poems: 1968-1998 and Seamus Heaney's Opened Ground, Selected Poems 1966-1996. I also have a story about being in college and writing a capstone essay for a notoriously difficult class where we were supposed to write about a book of poems of our choice. My laptop had broken, so I was confined to one of the shitty computers in the computer lab, and I had been working on the essay about a book of poems I found in our school library for maybe three weeks before the due date, and by happenstance, I ended up reading The Captain Asks for a Show Of Hands by Nick Flynn. I immediately had the thought of "I need to write about this," deleted my entire existing essay, and crunched for basically the entire remaining week to write a new one about Flynn's book instead.

- LAST SONG: I'm not sure what song specifically, but I was listening to the entire album Bon Iver by Bon Iver while writing RP replies earlier. I'm very much a full album girlie most of the time. Before that we've got "POPPY (Japanese Version)" by STAYC, "Champions of Red Wine" by The New Pornographers, "Biohazard" by Momma, and "Star" by LOONA (they're still together I swear here is how LOONA can still win-)

- LAST FILM / SHOW: I started watching the She Loves To Cook, She Loves To Eat live action drama last night. Probably gonna start watching Shogun with my mom soon when I go to have dinner and visit with her? As for movie... I saw Origin with my mom in theaters last month. I thought it was a very creative choice to adapt a nonfiction book into a narrative about the author writing the book, while still managing to incorporate a lot of the themes and content of the book into the film.

- RECENT READS: A lot of manga tbh... I read the She Loves To Cook, She Loves To Eat manga recently, as well as reread My Lesbian Experience With Loneliness after twitter drama thrust it back into my consciousness. I've been meaning to read Dungeon Meshi so probably soon? In terms of non-comic books, I read this nonfiction book called The Digital Closet: How The Internet Became Straight by Alexander Monea recently that was very engaging! In short, it's a dissection of the way that the American government's attempts to regulate and censor the internet (for a variety of reasons) have had the knock-on effect of things like age-gating even non-sexual queer content on youtube, or social media algorithms burying queer posts. I'm slowly working through Mostly Dead Things by Kristen Arnett, which is about a woman trying to hold things together and run her family's taxidermy shop after her father's sudden death. It's weird, but good. It's probably also time for my annual(ish...) reread of Stephen King's On Writing, too.

- STORY BEHIND URL: It's a Maki quote! Her and Shuichi are talking about Tenko's death, and Shuichi says something about Maki's insight coming from experience, and she responds, "Of course. Quick deaths are my specialty."

- FUN FACT ABOUT ME: I used to be an elementary school English teacher in Japan, probably everyone knows this by now, but it is my funnest fact. I used to be a decently good soccer player and I was a pretty high-ranked doubles tennis player in my middle school district district for a little while (my partner carried me but still!) I honestly spend WAY too much time doing D&D prep - I spent basically the entirety of summer 2021 rewriting the entirety of the Curse of Strahd published D&D adventure to fit my preferences, and that of my players, complete with new characters/maps/statblocks/items/plot points/etc. Before the campaign had even started, I had absolutely dumped probably 100+ hours into it.

TAGGED BY: @more-than-a-princess the bestie thank youuu

TAGGING: @lunaetis @hopeds @honoosenshi @amoriscustos @wouldhope and you!

[elsanna-shenanigans]

November/October 2023 Contest Submission #2: Water the soil

Words: 3,000 Setting: mAU Lemon: no Content: n/a

The grow room was bright and humid, but it was also quiet, save for the hum of the grow lights and fans. Elsa slid her backpack from her shoulders and placed it on one of the chairs surrounding the small working table in the middle of the room.

A few minutes later, after sanitizing and sliding on gloves and a mask, she seated herself at the table. A tray of young green plants lay before her — swaying slightly from the weight of the large seed pods. 

That was her task today, remove the seed pods and destroy the plants so the next batch could be planted. A cycle she would repeat in a few weeks. These little sprouts were genetically modified to grow and seed quickly so experiments could produce faster results. 

Elsa had just snipped off a seed pod when her phone buzzed. Thankfully she didn’t have to stop her work, Siri read out the texts in her AirPods without a pause. 

“Message from Anna’’ the computer voice said before continuing to read Anna’s messages. Every line was a new message because that’s just how her sister texted. 

‘Hey’

‘Good morning!’

‘Are you at work?’

‘Did you talk to your boss about an internship?’ 

‘The theater kids are performing on the quad in bathrobes again’

‘I really need your help with this.’

‘Let me know how it goes’

“Would you like to reply?” Siri asked and Elsa didn’t answer, the assistant timed out and her podcast resumed playing. She hadn’t spoken to her boss about getting Anna an internship for the semester yet. It wasn’t that she was scared of him saying no, more that she wasn’t sure she could handle working next to Anna for a whole semester. Especially knowing Anna, the undergrad, would be assigned to the grow room where Elsa, the grad student, worked.

Elsa, sitting hunched in the chair, snipped another seed pod. Inspecting it for a moment before placing it carefully in the tray for processing. 

It would be good for Anna to get a student internship here. It’s a highly reputable lab, at an esteemed university. Truly a fantastic learning experience. And it would satisfy her credits needed to graduate. 

It’s just… complicated.

Another seed pod was snipped off and the pod was dropped, perhaps with a little too much force, into the tray. Elsa sighed and leaned back in her chair, the old wood and metal seemed to sigh along with her. 

Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad, maybe this would be good for herself. Exposure therapy was a thing right? Elsa removed her mask and stood up to pace the room. The two sisters, long since separated by a nasty divorce had reconnected at university. Prior to that Anna had only existed via social media or the occasional birthday phone call. To this day Elsa wasn’t sure it was happenstance or on purpose that Anna ended up at the same school she did, but it didn’t matter. She was here and had been for the last few years. 

It was awkward at first, different then when Elsa had met online friends in real life for the first time. This was family after all, but she couldn’t ignore how her stomach seemed to flip or her heart sped up the first time she met Anna for dinner and how that kept happening every time since. 

Elsa tried to lie to herself, tried to say it was just excitement to finally be with her sister again after nearly 20 years but deep down she knew there was something more. 

Her phone buzzed again, this time with a call. “Hello?” Elsa said into the phone, she hadn’t bothered checking the caller ID. 

“There you are!” Anna’s voice boomed. “I messaged you over an hour ago and got no response, you good?”

Elsa glanced at her watch before answering, “Yes, just focused.” It wasn’t a lie, she just wasn’t focused on what she should be focused on. 

“Well Ms. Just Focused, do you want to meet me for lunch?”

“Sure, can you let me finish this thing first?” Elsa asked, surprised she agreed so easily. 

“Yeah, of course dude, I’m done for the day so I’m just sitting in the lobby upstairs studying, come grab me when you’re ready.” Anna replied and then laughed before continuing, “but don’t take too long, I’m hungry.” 

“I’ll do my best.”

“I know you will, see you soon!” 

The call ended and Elsa found herself smiling as she returned to the table to finish the seed collection. 

***

Outside was just as bright as the grow room, only less humid. Elsa’s blonde hair remained frizzy nonetheless and she tried her best to smooth it as she walked with Anna to a little cafe just off campus. Early fall leaves crunched under their feet.

“So I tried to take 18 credits this year but one of my classes got canceled for whatever reason, so I have time.” Anna said. Her hands shoved into the pocket of her bright purple hoodie. It complimented her copper hair well, in Elsa’s opinion. 

“You’re only taking five classes then?” Elsa forced herself to keep her blue eyes forward and off Anna.

“Yeah, which is why I could really use this lab job if you could help. If not, I’m going to have to do an extra semester.” She kicked a small rock out of the way. “It’s dumb.” 

“It is dumb.” 

A silence fell between them and Elsa felt Anna’s eyes on her, waiting for more of a response. She gave in and glanced over, Anna was taller than her by a good few inches, so upon turning, Elsa’s eyes went automatically to the younger woman’s jawline. Which seemed to be carved out of lightly tanned skin.

“Uh hi?” 

Elsa blinked and cleared her throat, looking forward again. “Sorry, just a lot on my mind. I can talk to my boss this afternoon.” 

“Wow really? That would be amazing!” Anna did a small jump and punched the air. 

“It doesn’t mean you have the job though.” Elsa frowned. 

“I know, but it’s a step in the right direction.”

“What if he says no?”

“We’ll cross that bridge when we get to it.” Anna said with a shrug. Elsa wished she could be that nonchalant about things. 

The cafe door opened with the ring of a bell. It was a small place, more on the expensive side which kept the five tables mostly empty during the day. At night it was a different story, an open mic event, standing room only. 

The pair settled at a table near the back, a brick wall framing them on one side. Elsa shrugged her coat off and hung it off the back of the chair. Thankfully, she had chosen to wear a simple long sleeve button up today. She was able to roll the sleeves up for the grow room, but now it was cooler so she could pull them back down. 

She ignored how Anna seemed to be watching her forearms as she fixed her sleeves. It was probably all in her head anyway. 

“I have two Cobb salads,” a young boy in a server uniform said, setting a plate down in front of each woman without any fanfare and walking away. 

“Kinda rude,” Elsa mumbled as she picked up a fork.

“He’s like, 12, it’s fine.”

“Anyway, tell me about your weekend.” 

“Oh, it was alright. Went to a party for a few hours, a bunch of freshmen were trashed and it killed the vibe. You don’t really notice how different little freshmen are from seniors. Those four years make a huge difference.” Anna said between bites. 

“People do a lot of maturing in those few short years.” Elsa agreed. Anna had matured a lot too. Coming to the university as a wide-eyed kid with pigtail braids and baggy clothes, she had grown into her own. She never wore fancy clothes but they fit her body a lot better, showing off curves and she had learned to style her copper hair and do her makeup so that her blue eyes had a commanding presence. 

Elsa, in contrast, hardly ever wore makeup and mostly lived in button-up shirts and lab coats. Throwing her long hair into a braid to keep it out of the way. At the very most she would wear some perfume but only because Anna mentioned liking sandalwood. 

“It was weird though,” Anna continued, bringing Elsa back to the conversation. “This one girl kept following me around the party and giving me compliments.” 

“Oh?” Elsa couldn’t help the ping of jealousy that rang within her.

“Yeah, but she never made a move and she was way younger so I wasn’t about to be a predator.” She laughed and Elsa shifted in her seat, uneasy. 

“How much younger was she that you would have been a predator?” The older woman dared to ask, hyper aware suddenly of the three year difference between them.

“Honestly I think she was a high schooler that snuck in. Like she was a baby. I just had that elder gay energy. I don’t think she was hitting on me, I think she was just learning and exploring.” Anna took another bite of her salad. 

“You’re bi though.”

At this Anna rolled her eyes. “Bi is still gay, we had this discussion.”

“I know,” Elsa pushed a piece of lettuce around on her plate. 

“What about you?” 

“What about me?”

“Did you figure out what flag you want to fly, so to speak?” 

“No, I don’t know, I haven’t thought much about it.” Elsa lied. Because she had thought about it, often. She had never liked men, not once. But she also didn’t have a lot of interest in women, it was only Anna. At that thought Elsa nearly dropped her fork. It was the first time she had fully admitted that to herself instead of dancing around the subject. 

“Hmm. Okay.” Anna said, a hint of disappointment in her voice. “I’m going to order us coffee because we need some caffeine.” 

Elsa just nodded and fixed her eyes on something outside the window. Thankful for a moment to breathe when Anna left the table. 

She can’t like Anna like that, it’s immoral, it’s wrong, it’s a problem. It should feel like grabbing a red hot coal, but it felt like opening the windows to a cool spring breeze instead. Elsa shook her head. 

“One dark roast with cream and one caramel macchiato.” A server said, putting the first cup down in front of Elsa and the second in front of Anna who had only just returned to the table. 

“You remembered how I like my coffee.” 

“Yeah,” Anna laughed. “Super easy when it’s so boring.”

“It’s not boring! This is a classic.” 

“Yeah, yeah. It’s boring and bitter.” 

“At least I can taste my coffee, you’re just drinking sugar.”

“You’re right and it’s delicious.” Anna lifted her mug with two hands and closed her eyes while taking a sip. 

She put her mug down and reached across the table to place a hand on Elsa’s arm. Causing the older woman to stiffen and stare down at Anna’s finger nails with chipped green paint. “Can you please talk to your boss today and let me know if it’s a yes or no? Otherwise I need to figure something else out.” Anna pleaded, her voice dropping to a lower octave, causing Elsa to instinctively lean in to hear her. 

“I will,” Elsa whispered for no other reason than it felt right. “I’ll let you know right away.”

Anna gave her arm a little squeeze and smiled.

***

‘Hey it’s Elsa, I talked to my boss, you can start tomorrow. Four days a week till the end of the semester, you’ll mostly be watering plants. No pay but he’ll sign the paperwork so it fulfills your credit requirement.’ 

Elsa finished typing the text and hit send. She rested her head back against the smooth cement walls of the science building’s interior. Her boss had readily agreed, they needed someone to water the plants and it saved him from having to go through a lengthy process to hire someone. 

‘Omg! For reals?’ Anna’s text came back immediately. ‘Also I know it’s you, Elsa. You’re saved in my phone silly.’ 

***

“Okay, you can do this,” Elsa said to herself. She was in the grow room again, pacing while waiting for Anna to arrive. She had already laid out all the supplies and triple checked them. 

She glanced at the clock for the millionth time. Five minutes.

She shouldn’t be this nervous, it was just Anna. But the fact that it was just Anna was the issue. She had feelings, she admitted, after she allowed the thought to flow freely at the cafe. 

Another glance at the clock. Four minutes.

They were sisters. Sisters. Family. Blood related. Elsa just needed to get over herself. Still four minutes.

They didn’t grow up as sisters though. Did that make it better somehow? Did that justify anything? Five minutes.

“Wait.” Elsa halted her pacing and looked at the clock again, no it was three minutes, her eyes were just playing tricks on her. She let out a sigh right as the door opened. 

“Don’t tell me I’m boring you already.” Anna said as she stepped into the room. 

“No I was,” Elsa paused to look up. Anna was wearing boots that made her even taller than she usually was and Elsa almost had to crane her neck to see Anna’s face when she got closer. “Just uh… thinking of things.”

“Using that big brain of yours.” Anna smirked and Elsa had to turn away. 

“Sooo,” she cleared her throat. “You‘ll be watering the plants, like I said. Some of them just get watered with a watering can and some you need to soak for an hour so they can pull water from the bottom.”

“Right, ok, I can do that.” Anna scribbled on a small note pad.

Elsa couldn’t help but smile to herself that the redhead was taking notes. “For the plants in the humidity chambers, you just need to make sure that the levels are good when you come in and before you leave. They get water automatically, but if there’s an issue tell me right away.” Elsa pointed to two large white freezer looking boxes with gages on the outside. 

“Of course,” Anna scribbled more. 

“Over here is everything you need. When you move the plants to a soaking tray you need to wear an apron and gloves. Just so the pollen doesn’t stick to you.” Elsa tried to ignore how close Anna was standing to her. 

“Is the pollen dangerous?” 

“No, it’s just for cross contamination reasons. Since you’re physically picking up and moving the plants.” 

“So I get a funky apron and you get the sexy lab coat?” Anna asked, gesturing to Elsa’s current outfit. 

Elsa nearly dropped the watering can she was about to handover, instead she turned around to fill it from the sink. “It’s not sexy, it’s just a white coat.” 

“I think it’s pretty sexy.” 

“Maybe one day you’ll graduate and get one yourself.” 

At this Anna sighed and Elsa felt her step back. “Are we just never going to talk about it?” 

“About the lab coat? You get one as part of your masters program.” Elsa turned back around and handed Anna the can, their fingers grazing. Elsa pulled her hand back and tucked a strand of blonde hair behind her ear. 

“No,” Anna leaned over to put the watering can back on the counter. “About you, about how you’ve been acting lately… towards me.” 

“You came here to work.” 

“Yes, but I’m not going to work here the whole semester with you being like this. So I want to get this out of the way right away. Because if we can’t move past it, there’s no point in me staying here because I will not interfere with your work.” 

“But, how will you graduate?” Elsa asked, her voice going up an octave.

“I’ll figure it out. Stop dodging the subject.”

“I don’t know what you want me to say.” 

“How about this, why don’t I just ask you flat out? We can just bite this bullet right now.”

Elsa opened her mouth to say something but Anna held up a hand to stop her. Her brow was furrowed but her shoulders were relaxed. Elsa couldn’t tell what mood Anna was in, but she knew her own heart was pounding so hard it was about to break out of her chest. 

“Do you like me, in the romantic sense?” Anna asked, it was even toned and lacked any sense of accusation. “Just be honest with me and say yes or no.” 

Elsa bit her bottom lip, it was all she could do to not look away. She felt exposed, naked, unmasked. She opened her mouth to speak but no sounds came out. 

Anna frowned and crossed her arms while letting out another sigh. 

It shifted something in Elsa and before she could second guess it she blurted out. “Yes. Okay, yes I like you, yes I have feelings for you. No, it’s not normal.” 

“Finally!” Anna exclaimed and Elsa looked at her confused. “Elsa, I’ve been trying to get you to say that for months. You don’t think I haven’t noticed? I told you, I’m very intuitive, elder gay and all.”

“I—I… you’re not mad?”

“What? No. Not normal? Sure. But what is normal anyway. Plus, it’s fun to explore. I would love to show you the ropes.” Anna wiggled her eyebrows and laughed. 

“I just didn’t think you would be okay with this.” She relaxed back to lean on the counter. 

“Elsa, I’m more than okay with this.” Anna closed the gap between them and cupped Elsa’s face in her hands, leaning in to kiss her. Elsa melted into Anna and the bright lights of the grow room faded away.

[wellpresseddaisy]

Long Ago (and far away) pt. 23

And now for something a little different. I thought we could use a bit of a palate cleanser before we have to deal with more emotions.

Monday evening, Diagon Alley

A shadowed figure darted across cobbled streets, bootheels ringing against the stone. A fine mist curled and wafted about the figure, flaring with cloak and skirt at each sharp turn.

It turned down a dimly lit alley and scurried through the pooling gloom. Finally, it pushed open the door of the Queensmark Teahouse and slipped inside.

"Eggers? Are you done for the night? It's an absolutely foul one." Eglantine Carruthers pushed back the hood of her cloak and removed her gloves.

"Nory? Is it just you, dearest?" Came a voice from the back.

"Just me, darling. I don't think anyone else has even stirred yet." She took off her cloak and laid it in a booth. "It is perishing out there."

"I have tea and a light supper ready. You're always ravenous after the theater." Eglantine Dunwoodie exited the kitchen, but it wasn't an Eglantine any but her friends recognized.

Gone was the soft pompadour and sensible dress of her everyday persona. In their place, she wore her hair in a short, cropped cut and the trousers and waistcoat of a three-piece suit. She wore a soft, collarless shirt under the waistcoat with her sleeves rolled up.

"Oh, Eggsy." Eglantine sighed. "One day…"

"Mother's been such a brick about me not wanting to be married and settle down with giving her grandbabies, after she calmed down at least." Dunwoodie managed a soft smile, though it twisted a bit. "I can't…not yet. She loves the girly things on me so."

"Well, you'll just have to bring home a pretty girl who likes to be fussed over and who wants to have children. Not to mention that you being handsomer than all your brothers would put their noses out of joint." Eglantine waved a hand and spoke airily. "How is that sweet little librarian you’ve been stepping out with, by the by?”

“Eglantine Honoria, what have you done?” That perfectly casual tone immediately raised suspicion in everyone who knew her.

“Nothing at all, darling. Just supporting a venerable institution. She’s ever so helpful. I suppose she can’t help being named Marion.”

“It’s a perfectly lovely name.” Dunwoodie raised an eyebrow.

“Maaaarion…madam libraaaaaarian.” Eglantine sang. “It’s from a non-magical musical, quite popular at the moment though the male lead doesn’t really have the range he ideally needs. Too used to G&S, I suppose.”

“Not everyone has an encyclopedic knowledge of musical theater, dearest.” Dunwoodie smiled.

“Well they should of they’re going to be producing librarians. She really is sweet. She found ever so many books for me and it was happenstance that she helped me at all. I just went to do a bit of research for a book and I didn’t realize she was your librarian until we were halfway through the history section.”

“She isn’t mine, dearest.”

“Not yet she isn’t. And when she is then we’re going to have a party for you.” Eglantine did not mention a certain tea and gossip date set for the next week.

"You just want an excuse to throw a party, you horror." Dunwoodie laughed. "How are you doing, though, without the house elves?"

"Oh, we're doing brilliantly. I felt so guilty that they were with us because Hal's the eldest when his sister has nine children and no help. Well, some help, but not nearly enough, not for nine. Really they were just dying for house elf assistance. Nanny — the head elf — was so very kind and helped us find Nanny Jameson and Nurse. And both of them get on famously with Nanny, so Nanny can pop by whenever she likes and make certain everything is up to her standards. And oh, I've been such a goose, darling. You really wouldn't believe." Eglantine waved her soup spoon as she spoke.

"Eat your soup, Nory, and then tell me. We haven't had a good long talk in so long." Dunwoodie set a soup plate before her. "I want to hear all about your doings."

"Thank you. I really am famished. One eats before the theater, of course, but opening night is such a marathon. And then people want to speak to one after and suddenly it's closing in on so very late and one is just dead." Eglantine stopped speaking long enough to refresh herself. "Now that I'm no longer in danger of just wasting away…oh, I've missed this too. I must make more time for my friends. Hal…you know, he's really such a darling man."

"That's the only reason he gets invited to our dos, you know." Dunwoodie smiled gently. "It's because he makes you wonderfully happy. Putting your mother's nose out of joint may have helped."

"And she can't even complain because his family is so unimpeachably correct." Eglantine giggled, her eyes alight with mirth. "In any case…do you know, we should have a party to celebrate how brave we all are, really. But, me being a goose. Mother—don't make that face darling, you'll be wrinkled up in no time and Mother isn't worth it—got it into my head that I should take more interest in the boys' primary education. That I was somehow a Bad Mother because I was leaving it to the professionals."

"That," Dunwoodie pointed with her toast. "Is precisely what a bad mother would say."

"In any case, Hal was away and I got myself so worked up over it that I tried and tried to take an interest. By the time he got home I was pacing in the foyer, convinced that I was the Worst Mother Ever because I was about to go mad if I had to listen to a child limping through the alphabet one more time. Do you know, he's never laughed at me? Not once? Not even this last time when he dropped his valise in the foyer and found me doing a fine impression of Lady MacB, all wringing hands and agonized eyebrows?"

"Of course he hasn't. He's a good man."

"Between him and Nanny they got me calmed down enough to see sense and it is funny now. The pacing in the foyer part, not Mother. Hal said life would be terribly flat if he came home to a quiet house and no dramatic scenes in the foyer. It really is a lovely place for a good scene." Eglantine smiled down at the table. "He also said that while spending more time with the boys is good, I can't neglect my friends or my work. That having outside interests makes one a better parent."

"Precisely. It isn't as if you shunt them off to Nanny and only see them an hour at teatime or leave all the hard bits to Nanny and Nurse. But you have to be able to work, as well."

"Nanny was very firm that we hired her on because she's a professional and can start the boys on their educational path. And that working parents need help, and also could we please keep my mother out of the nursery? We may have to ban her from the house altogether and won't that be a merry to-do?" Eglantine sighed and rubbed her forehead. "I'm sorry. I don't mean to keep ranting about Mother."

"She's just so rantable, dearest. One day, when she and your Aunt Eulalia are no longer with us, you're going to write a best-seller about your family."

Eglantine snorted. "Dad would buy innumerable copies and hand them out to everyone. He loves her, but…"

"Yes. But. Now, I asked you to come before everyone else for a reason, and I think we could both use a bit of a palate-cleanser after your mother." Dunwoodie refilled their teacups.

"Oooh, you have the best gossip, darling. You hear simply everything here." Eglantine settled into her chair.

"Guess who was in here Saturday afternoon?" Dunwoodie started.

"Oh, who? Don't make me guess, darling. I've used all my brain and borrowed some from Hal today. I'm working on some very dodgy credit."

"Alright, you goose. It was Professor Snape, and he wasn't alone."

Her tone had Eglantine gasping. "Oh, really?"

"He's bonded. Well, he was, just that morning at Gringotts."

"Ooooooh. Who?"

"The new head of the Slytherin family. He had the signet and the bonding bands. Didn't get his name, though. I expect it'll be in the papers in the next few days."

"No!" Eglantine fairly squeaked in delight. "Oh, this is too utterly wonderful. What was he like?"

"He seemed…normal? Protective. I think he might get called domineering and overbearing with some regularity, to be perfectly honest. Professor Snape was in a right state when they came in, like he was that one Potions lesson. Do you know…sometimes…it was like they were meant to be together, dearest. Like you and Hal. They were just right together. And he has a face like one of those collar advertisements. Handsome as anything, and there I was looking like a hazel angora rabbit."

Eglantine's mouth twitched. "You don't remind one that much of a fluffy bunny in your girly things. And certainly not now, darling."

"I, er, overreacted a titch when they came in." Dunwoodie bit her lip. "Held him at wand point until he showed the bands and his signet."

Eglantine snorted. "Well of course you did. It was Professor Snape. But darling, this is too blessedly funny. It would make a wonderful book. The schoolmaster plucked from his everyday life and hurtled into Society. Mmm…domineering husband…oooh, perfect aristocrat…he doesn't need to be taken to the shops…not with Mrs. Malfoy's influence, but…I wonder if Professor Snape will have a Moment of Triumph?"

"You are not using this in your work." Dunwoodie managed to sound stern for a moment. "And Professor Snape's moment of triumph would be making Dowager Prewett laugh inappropriately at a presentation."

"He would, wouldn't he?" Eglantine had that far away look her friends recognized as 'author at work'.

"He got such a ticking off from her at one of the last presentations because he spent the night trying to make either Professor McGonagall or Mrs. Malfoy lose their composure." Dunwoodie confided, mostly to get Eglantine's brain off the writerly track.

"Someone…well, no, she might actually be more frightening than Professor Snape."

"I was standing by the tea table thinking cook-like thoughts, so they didn't even notice me. She told him that he could stop being a towering brat and that he was going to sit by her until the Malfoys took him home because she couldn't trust him to behave otherwise. To his credit, he really did his best to amuse her after that."

"She called Professor Snape a…no. I won't believe it. She couldn't! She didn't! Not Professor Snape!"

"She did. She is ancient. I suppose we all must seem like children. I rather saw her point, though. We never saw it at school because he'd rather remove his own liver than be a bad influence on us, but I think his natural inclination is to tease a bit, push the boundaries. He's really not that much older than we are. What…seven years? Same as Eccles, really."

"Well, it is pleasant sometimes when your partner takes a firm line on pushing boundaries." Eglantine waggled her eyebrows. "Hal's dreadfully good at firm."

"Eg-lan-tine! What have you been getting up to?" Dunwoodie couldn't help the scandalized question. Usually, she tried to ignore Eglantine's more outrageous moments.

Eglantine just grinned wickedly. "You know, I learned so much about myself on the trip backafter we married. So…educational."

"You really are a horror, you know." Dunwoodie chuckled.

"Yes, I've rather a lot of practice." She snickered. "But…once he'd come back, Professor Snape, that is…he was taken care of?"

"Oh, yes. I think it might be good for him. He needs to be looked after, I think. He's got dreadfully thin."

"Has he? I used to think he toyed with his food more than ate it, you know? Nerves. But with all the layers it's so hard to see. And even I wasn't impertinent enough to ask. He made such a difference for us, though, those last few years. I don't think anyone's ever done the same for him. And…you're certain sure this one is a good one?"

"Yes." Dunwoodie answered firmly. "He reminded me of Hal. And Professor Snape reminded me of you after you'd found Hal. You used to go around, well, cranked right up, and no wonder with your mother. I think Professor Snape is more like you than not, dearest, only he internalizes everything. Funny how we never noticed."

"That would explain why he always knew exactly what I was up to." Eglantine sighed. "Couldn't get anything over on that man. And children are self-centered as gyroscopes, by and large, even mine."

"You still can't get anything past him." Dunwoodie grinned at her. "I asked everyone to come out tonight because I didn't want them surprised, as much as possible. I just wanted a good confab with you, first."

"We're definitely having more parties. I mean it, darling. We don't see near enough of each other. And we are going to make a standing date, whenever is most convenient to you. I won't fall out of touch with all my friends, and especially not you. Eglantines have got to stick together."

"Speaking of sticking, dearest, how's young Teddie?"

"Edwina is…coping. The collective family name took rather a hard knock with Mother's reaction to…well, me taking a powder. And then when I came back married…and started writing plays and things…what a frightful time. Poor girl is finding it a bit hard in Slytherin. Aunt Eulalia siding with mother didn't help. They've both lost their vouchers. Dowager Prewett apparently thought them giving me The Cut was beyond acceptable. Mother's tried to make nice again, though, in her own way. I just feel so for poor Teddie. She doesn't deserve to be a scapegoat."

"I can have a word with my cousins in Ravenclaw. She's a bright girl; they should be able to do something for her. It's certainly been long enough."

"You'd think people would forget, but not Slytherin. Not when it comes to committing Social Crimes. I've been trying to take her about with me as much as possible, since Uncle Wallace put his foot down. He and Dad have been the saving graces, really."

"Well, we'll do what we can. Some of my cousins are friends with some of the current crop of Morningsides. I'll see if they'll have a word. She won't be lonely forever."

"Thank you. If I knew five years ago…"

"We would still have put you on that steamer, dearest, if we had to drug you. You needed to get away. And you met Hal, who really is the nicest man I know."

"He is, isn't he." Eglantine went a bit pink.

"And how are Eurydice and Ecclesiastes?" The glint in her eye had Eglantine sniggering.

"Dicey's just fine. She's at Oxford and she's beating the pants off everyone in terms of scholarship. Poor old Eccles, though, she really can't help it. And we shouldn't call her that, but honestly, if you're going to proselytize…and your own family at that!"

"She sent me a Bible. With all the bits she found important highlighted."

"She didn't! Oh, you know I don't mind anyone being a Christian or anything, plenty of them are the loveliest people, but it seems like she's doing it just to be a trial. She does have to live with Mother, though, which I imagine is a complete misery, and Mother keeps saying how it's so unfortunate Poor Ethel is On The Shelf. What can you expect with a personality like a wet Monday?"

"Is she still, er, doing Good Works for the Unfortunate?" A rather unsteady voice betrayed Dunwoodie.

"I shall never live that down. Mrs. Weasley, thankfully, has a sense of humor. She collared me at the Simcox's tea, you know, and was just so delightful. She completely understood that you can't choose your blood relations. Eccles is moving into absolutely potty territory, I'm afraid. She wanted to wear the most ghastly frock to my parents' anniversary party. This…shapeless sack in the most putrid shade of mauve. It wasn't even nice shapeless, like one of those artistic dresses or the nineteen-twenties. She had a whole speech about modesty and not causing your brothers in Christ to stumble all while staring at my red velvet which was a bit décolleté. But in a tasteful way because it was a formal affair. Dad told her any stumbling wasn't her problem and she was to go change her dress immediately. She still wore something appalling but it wasn't actively embarrassing, at least."

Dunwoodie could barely speak for mirth by the end of it. "I really oughtn't laugh." She gasped.

"Someone should get some enjoyment out of this. Merlin knows Eccles isn't!" And Eglantine dissolved into giggles herself.

"Does she enjoy anything?" Dunwoodie managed after a few moments.

"Honestly, I think she adores her own misery. She's addicted to piousness." Eglantine sighed deeply. "Thank you, darling. You've been an absolute pillar, you know." She managed to pull herself together enough to clasp Dunwoodie's hand. "I think I hear—"

The bell tinkled over the door and Dunwoodie squeezed Eglantine's hand.

"Thank you, dearest. I couldn't ask for a better friend." She spoke quietly before moving to greet the rest of her guests. The 1983 and 1984 seventh year Slytherins (or at least cohorts of each) had rather banded together in the last several years.

"Neither could I." Eglantine said on a sigh and stood to help. Sometimes she really missed those last years at Hogwarts.

-------------

"Now, I'm sure you're all wondering why I asked you to come out on a night I've been assured is perfectly foul." Dunwoodie did such an excellent imitation of Eglantine's italics that everyone snickered.

"It is, and you know it." Eglantine laughed.

"I have news that I'm certain you'll want to hear."

"Doc is joining the landlubbers again?" Maurice called out from where he lounged by the fire.

"Not on your life." Doc laughed at him. "I'll be buried at sea, my good fellow."

"Suhani's back?" Niniane asked hopefully.

"This next summer, I think." Maurice said. "She's nearly done with her course."

"Balls!" Niniane muttered. "Is there going to be another baby, then?"

"In the next twenty-four hours, if all goes well." A tall man answered as he slipped into the shop. "Annabeth is in labor. She was cursing the baby's timing when I left."

"Derry, you left?" Gwendolyn gave him A Look. As she was a librarian, it was an effective Look.

"She told me to go! In any case, Howard is with her and she told me she certainly didn't need an audience. I waited until her healer got there and then she shoved me out." Howard defended himself. "I promised to bring the news back, though."

"Be serious!" Dunwoodie scolded. "Although I'm sure Nory is already planning the welcome baby party. Professor Snape is bonded. He was in here right after. I didn't want anyone to be surprised and, well, we need to come up with a present."

The sensation was magnificent.

[casualmelody]

I Know Those Eyes, Part 1

Upon receiving the invitation to join the Monkie Crew in viewing a shadow play, Xingshen had been sorely tempted to decline. Despite tutoring the Monkey Child and keeping an eye on as many battles as she could, Xingshen had no desire to develop anything near a friendship with any one of them. But…her eyes had gone to the altar in her room and the mortuary tablet resting upon it. It had been long enough, she thought. She had accepted the invite, and now was waiting an hour early at the theater.

She had chosen something other than her usual rainbow dress to wear. As much as she adored it, the intent was to be something she had never been: one of the group. As such, she wore a simple white tank top and black pants as well as a light blue jacket. Similarly blue sneakers were her choice of footwear. Comfortable, casual, and (she hoped) normal. As she waited, she suddenly took a hair tie from her bag, placing her hair into a quick ponytail. Combined with her ever-present sunglasses to hide her eyes, she could have been any civilian instead of well…herself. As time drew nearer, a man suddenly turned the corner, walking with purpose towards the theater. When her eyes caught his, she felt her heart freeze. At the outset, there was nothing wrong with him. He appeared to be middle-aged judging by his graying hair, and his business suit with blue pinstripes spoke of a successful profession. His posture was as straight as if he’d never known the word ‘insecurity’. The same can be said for his piercing blue eyes that seemed to X-ray Xingshen as she stood before the theater entrance. That was what it was that unnerved her so…his giant smile, like a wolf eyeing a lone lamb. The closer he got, the more Xingshen felt arctic water flowing through her veins. The thought jolted her from her paralysis. He was coming closer! Her body screamed at her to run, to hide in the darkest corner possible…but by the time he was close enough that she had to acknowledge his presence, she made a smile form on her full lips as she held open the metal door for him. In her usual smooth, deep voice she asked, “Heading inside, sir?” The man paused, looking up at the 7’0” woman. “Why yes! I just adore shadow plays, don’t you? Such an interesting art form!” “I have not been to a play since I was rather small. I am hoping this performance will bring back some nostalgia.” If possible, the man’s smile stretched even wider. “Past memories are very precious. I heard tell that tonight’s show will be especially...enthralling.” He extended a hand to Xingshen to shake. “Where are my manners? My name is Shì Zhǎng, I’m the Mayor of this fine city! I don’t recall seeing your face around here before, miss…?” Xingshen felt her heart drop. Everything within her wanted to run, but she steeled herself and forced her smile to re-appear as she answered, “My last name is Hong. I just moved here recently, that is most likely why you have not seen me. I do not often go outside due to a…chronic condition.” Before she could talk herself out of it, she made herself shake the Mayor’s hand. The instant she did, she felt like she leapt head-first into a tub full of ice water. When she pulled her hand away, the Mayor kept his smile and returned his hand to his side. “If you ever need anything, just let me know! My office is open 24/7.” “I shall keep that in mind.” With that the Mayor finally enters the theater. Xingshen lets the door close behind him as she quickly wipes her palm off on her jacket sleeve. Maybe she was just nervous, there was no way a simple human could be anything more than a Mayor who really liked direct eye contact…right? All the same, she zipped her jacket up and hugged herself as she waited for the others to arrive. Her day would be simple: watch the play, perhaps eat some snacks, then go home. No bone-chilling happenstances whatsoever that make her want to crawl under the blankets like a frightened child.

[autumngracy]

Not music, but this reminds me of when I watched The Avengers in theater, and then much later for free on TV, and realized they completely changed one of the scenes.

In the theater release, when Tony is flying out on his suicide mission to grab the bomb and yeet it through the portal into space before it hits New York, his last transmission is him saying goodbye to JARVIS, and JARVIS saying something along the lines of it having been an honor to work him.

(I think he may have tried to call other people first, like Pepper, but no one was picking up because, well ... big alien fight. Folks are busy. Understandable.)

When I watched the movie again on TV, however, I realized they had completely scrubbed the dialogue with JARVIS and had replaced it with Tony calling Rhodey. Which just ... why? Why would they do that?

To me it actually made it fall flat as a scene because honestly it feels way more realistic, heartwrenching and relatable to find that, when you reach out in your final, desperate moments, because you just want one last time to hear the voice of someone you love ... no one picks up. It's not because god hates you or you're fated to die alone or some tragic melodrama like that; it's just happenstance, and it sucks. And shit like that happens all the time. The fact that it happened to the "Billionaire Philanthropist Playboy" made it hit even harder.

And then they just completely edited it out and I still have no idea why, and I don't think I've ever even seen any one besides myself mention this change.

And that's disconcerting, because, like ... the idea that studios can just retroactively change their productions AFTER having sent them to theaters, without acknowledging said change, is very bad.

It means if the studio did something controversial that they thought would go over well but actually flopped, they can just straight up pretend they never did it and claim people are remembering wrong.

"I don't know what you're talking about us making a horrible bigoted joke in X movie, watch the blu ray release and you'll find we never did that actually!"

You see where I'm going with this? The idea these people can use theater audiences as guinea pigs (when test audiences are already a thing??), and then retroactively change the movie's content based on popular opinion, editing it out of all subsequent releases and pretending it never happened, means they're making sure they can't be held accountable for their own choices. Which is doubly crazy when you realize it necessitates gaslighting your entire audience.

I'm fine with things like remastered anniversary editions having some changes (like them fixing the Jabba the Hut getting his tail walked on thing), so long as it's acknowledged that a change was made and they don't try to like, erase all previous versions of a film.

But like, making a change between the theater release and the hard copy release? And pretending it's the same thing that was shown in theaters? That's fucked up. I don't like that they're legally allowed to do that without some kind of disclosure or something.

They could absolutely do the same thing as op was taking about too, where they change the music for legal reasons to something completely different.

I think their ability to do this is destroying the artistic integrity of the industry, to be honest.

You know how Marvel filmed like multiple versions of events in the Endgame movies so that the people involved in the production wouldn't know which thing was 'real' and therefore couldn't spoil it? (Which is fucked up for different reasons, also). Imagine if they finished the post production on those scenes and changed which ones were "canon" based on audience reaction (and I don't mean test audiences, because again, there's a reason those are a thing!)

Imagine you go to watch a movie and then when its hard copies are officially released it just. Has a completely different ending than what you saw in theater, and no one at the studio is acknowledgjng it. (And I don't mean like with Clue where they showed mutiple different endings on purpose, for fun). Would that be fucked up or what?

you know how you can go and watch a movie you watched a bunch as a kid and the version of a song in it is different? like they actually changed it since you were a kid? that isn't normal. we didn't do that until like, the last ten years. it's fucked up.

[an-amazing-ace]

Daily Blog!

Got into a bit of a scuff today, a little skirmish.

You see, these weird posters about knives have been popping up all over school lately, usually hand drawn on that big-ass canvas paper. Real shittily drawn. There are two kinds of knife posters: Don't Lick Knives, and Don't Catch a Knife. Real threatening shit, methinks. They're just trying to teach us about knife safety, I get it, but there has GOT to be a better way.

Except, that's NOT what they were trying to do. Because when I walked up to the school this morning, there were about thirty or so culinary students crowding the walkway that leads to the main entrance, with additional guards at every other entrance. They were giving people a simple choice: Try our shitty food, or catch a Knife. The posters had been explicit threats. The culinary kids are the only ones with access to knives at school, so now, they had all the power.

Not wanting to eat whatever was in those dripping, moist, brown paper bags, I attempted to walk inside the school, but of course, a lanky man wearing a white coat and hat (ratatouille style) stepped in front of me, kitchen blade handy. The tension was so thick you could, well, y'know.

I spoke up, knowing I had to strike first blood in what would come to be a thoroughly retarded conversation. "Grandma always said, never trust a skinny chef."

The lanky rat man sneered, like a rat, pointing his weapon towards me. "Don't body shame, you arrogant ass-tickler! Now, you are going to consume the Morsel, OAR ELSE!"

So, I withdrew the boating paddle named Else (like Frozen) from my trench coat. I swung, and the oar connected with his skull, producing a sound that I can only liken to the flatulence of a wooden robot. He was out cold.

Thirty Six knives, brandished in my direction. The would-be food-folk flew at me, slashing and twirling in some manner of elaborate dance. As I snatched Ratatouille's blade from the pavement, five gleaming steels came hurtling towards me, but were each parried in turn. They swarmed me, seeking to rend my flesh and sully the soil with my blood. Blades clashed, fluids splashed. I could hear Niel Ciciviagra's sweet voice in the sky, singing my ballad. I dealt no mortal wounds, but as scathed chefs fell the crumbling pavement, tendons severed, they knew this in their hearts: they would never again serve sweet succulence to the hungering masses.

Once I cleared the blood from my sick shades, there stood a man, clad in black. I had stained red the white cloths of my fallen enemies, bringing them to resemble my own fiery ensemble. But here stood the glum harbinger of worlds ended, adorned in the shadowy trappings of blood long dry; mori, made flesh.

He held an obsidian blade, so I knew that his hatred for my kind was purely theatrical, but as I am the truest of Theater kids, a theatrical murder would kill me in real life.

He raised his blade, forcing me, as a part time geologist, to share mine best humble factoid. "What a smooth blade... small crystals, must have cooled it rapidl-"

I was cut of, as the hooded, cloaked figure cut into me. He had appeared behind me, rendering a vicious stab. Under average happenstance, I'd have been killed. But as it happens, I was wearing my knife-proof jacket. The brittle blade crumbled upon my crimson, leathery hide (like Benny's Dick Crumblrsnatch).

"Impossible... I spent three days sharpening that blade... it was perfection!"

"Oh yeah? Tell that to my sweet-ass coat."

I really shouldn't talk so much during epic fight scenes, because a rather lengthy fillet blade came swooping towards my fat mouth (obese orifice, even). As the blade struck my tongue, it became lodged, but not because it was impaled. No, I KNEW there was something wrong about those posters. It's all propaganda; YOU CAN LICK KNIVES! And let's just say, I had been practicing.

I had flexed two individual taste buds at just the right nanosecond, catching the blade with my tongue. I yanked the dark one's blade from his hand, gulping it down whole, because I'm also a part-time sword swallower. I then spoke to him, enunciating my words perfectly despite my throat-knife, because theater kids are just goated like that.

"They didn't kick you off the baseball team because you're bad; you were gonna go pro. They kicked you off because of Shit Like This."

He pissed his pants, shit them, then began to bawl like an autistic baby strapped to a ceiling fan. As I made my way into the high school, I was greeted by thunderous applause.

And that's why they call me,

Doctor Awesome.