#HOW THE HECK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO THAT???
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midnightmah07 · 22 hours ago
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Ok i need to rant about the new update real fast so spoilers for book 7
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You're telling me I have to WIN?? AGAINST OB! MALLEUS??? WHO HAS 300000 HP AND HEALS HIMSELF ALL THE TIME???? LIKE IM ACTUALLY MEANT TO WIN???? HUH????
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radiance1 · 5 months ago
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"May I help you, mister...?"
Pariah Dark paused, slowly looking the old (by human standards) butler up and down before slowly sheathing his sword and crossing his arms. He looked the butler up and down once more, before glancing at the mansion and back at him.
Hm.
Hm.
"May I come in?" The king asked calmly, voice kept carefully lower than he would usually speak with. He was aware that his normal tone of voice was 'loud' in human standards. The butler stared at him for a moment, before slowly stepping to the side. "Of course, sir. Though I am certain I have not yet gotten your name."
He pushed his foot forward, soon passing through the threshold as fire wrapped around his body as he shrunk. Armor being exchanged for more 'comfortable' clothing besides his cape as he stepped through the doorway and grunted. "You may refer to me as War."
The butler nodded, not batting an eye as the sudden shift in clothing or size. "You came at quite the convenient time. Would you like to join us for dinner, sir War?"
Him?
Eat mortal food?
Perposterous.
"If you would have me and it's no further effort on your part, I could make such an arrangement." He fell in step easily behind the butler, hands folding behind his back in a similar if not a bit more extra way as his cape and hair swayed behind him with his every step.
"I believe I can arrange something to your liking," There was a sliver of mischief in the butler's tone as he led the king to what he assumed to be the dining room. "So far, all of my guests had only good things to say about my hospitality. I do so hope you're among them as well, words of praise from one of your station is quite hard to come by."
"I trust that your hospitality be nothing but kind." The king said, coming to a stop at a door the butler soon held open.
"Please, make yourself comfortable while I go inform those who will join you and make something more..." There was a slight twinkle in the butler's eyes. "Attuned, to your pallet."
The king chuckled. "I look forward to it." Then stepped inside.
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jadetheblueartist · 4 months ago
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It has just sunk in that I am going to a new school where I know no one next week. I literally only have two classes on campus but I am going to cry, bros.
Ah.
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esamastation · 2 years ago
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They say that first step of recovery is admitting there is a problem. So.
There is a chance, a small, really, an insignificant chance, probably not even worthy of mentioning, that I. Might. Have some type of grain related allergy. Maybe.
Probably not. The indigestion, exhaustion, bloating and vicious repeating cycle of recovery after dropping certain foods and the relapse after said recovery when said foods inevitably return to diet is probably just a coincidence. Right. Right? 🥺
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doodlingwren · 3 months ago
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Hiatus
I am going on hiatus for a bit more. I really really hoped the stuff that have been going on lately were already "sorted out" but, uhm... they aren't. I need to take a bit more time offline once again, and try to work things out.
Thank you for your patience ❤
Wren
#EDIT: I've deactivated my IG for a bit because it wasn't helping at all. I'll be back there but I need time#wren text tag#somehow issues from mid July/early August have managed to get worse. Like I'm not even surprised bc I'm used to it but GIRL . What the fuck#“it's finally summer”+“can't wait to draw!” * gets 3 hiatus in a row * maybe drawing or summer isn't really meant to be 🤨🤔#I hate having to log-in to post a hiatus message and then dissapear again when I'm supposed to post my doodles n have fun#Feels like one of those jesters that appears at luncheon to entertain the royal court and then they go missing for the rest of the month#bc I'm trying very hard not to hide in my shell + having a bit more presence here to post my artwork#and somehow I fail at both like fucking heck. How can you be so bad at this.#but in short I won't be here to answer stuff and being silly or whatever people expect me to do#because if you're here for the silly stuff. MAN. I'm am sorry but I don't feel silly at all.#Somebody once said “the horrors are never ending yet I remain silly” but I forgot the “remain silly” part#And if you're here for drawings. I don't even have time and I don't feel like drawing at all. Idk which one is worse#The bakery hangs up the “closed today” so people know they have to go to buy bread somewhere else. Same here. But it won't last a day#idk why the bread analogy. Guess I'm a birb after all#this is also the closest thing to a vent post I will ever write and I managed to say nothing at all. Vagueposting about vent. Good job Wren#tw: vent#tagging in case somebody like me needs to have some tags filtered#the hiatus will go on also a bit longer because the last few weeks my mental health suffered a lot and I know my limit#also this post was queued. If I see I can still be active before publishing I will delete it otherwise see for yourself#also queue doesn't work ig like I programmed this for 9 pm hopefully it will be up by then and not any other random time
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circus-clownn · 1 year ago
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i think i found my favorite spiderman...🥺
if you know what kinda characters I like youll know
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aquariium-ediits · 2 years ago
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not to be un-silly for a little but agh i wish i had more online friends
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after-nine-at-the-oasis · 1 year ago
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I'M SORRY
WHAT
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alinedreams · 1 day ago
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In my mind, the "you deserve to be loved" concept is entirely undermined by the "you are not entitled to anyone's affection" concept.
I feel any and every affection has to be EARNED; there is and should be no thing as unconditional love, for it could eventually harm the lover and make the loved take said love for granted.
With that being said, I also feel I have to earn MY OWN affection, which is something I feel I haven't been deserving of due to being way too irritable and annoying and lashing out and yapping too much. I feel don't deserve other people's affection for my shortcomings and I feel I should punish myself with no self-affection at all until I get it right. And no, my autism and my lingering burnout are no excuses.
Is this a toxic train of thought? Yes. Does it prevent me from descending into nasty incel-like behavior where I'd feel entitled to other people's feelings just because "if I love myself even though I'm a mess, so should everyone else"? That's also a yes. Can I unravel this train of thought without feeling like a massive hypocrite? UNFORTUNATELY NO! I'M TRYING, BUT IT JUST FEELS LIKE IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE TO EXPECT THE SAME LOVE FROM MY EVIL SELF I SHOULD NEVER EVER EXPECT FROM ANYONE ELSE!
So, I'm stuck in a cycle of:
Try to love myself -> mess up somewhere in the way -> end up not loving myself because I suck as a human being and I should not be entitled to love because I'm not acting in a lovable way and it'd be very hypocritical and arrogant to love myself under this state -> get way too depressed at my own suckiness to do anything about it -> try to spiral out of it -> remember that whole "you deserve to be loved" thing -> try to love myself once again -> ad infinitum
It's... Very annoying, to put it VERY FREAKING LIGHTLY.
And I have no idea how to leave it without feeling arrogant and believe that OTHER PEOPLE should also love me like I love myself, you know? because I'd be like "well, if I can love myself, why can no one else? That doesn't make sense! That's statistically improbable!", despite the fact I'm an evil gremlin who always messes up and does indeed NOT deserve any love from anyone (and, in this train of thought, I include myself, because, again, it'd be hypocritical not to).
It's the autistic logic running in a hamster wheel inside my brain, I guess?
#ventposting#this explains A LOT about me trust me#and yes i'm an evil gremlin please do not try to dispute me on that#this is precisely why almost everyone runs away from me either at first sight or over time#and to be honest? I CAN FREAKING UNDERSTAND THEM! AND I WISH I COULD FIX IT BUT IT'S BEING IMPOSSIBLE BECAUSE 80% OF IT IS MIND AGONY#SENSORIAL STUFF AND ANXIETY AND ETC MAKE ME IRRITABLE AND SNAPPY AND BORDERLINE SUICIDAL AND I CAN SEE WHY PEOPLE GO AWAY#BUT THERE'S LITERALLY NO-EFFING-THING TO HEAL IT NO MATTER HOW MUCH I TRY#I WISH THERE WAS AN OFF SWITCH TO THE AGONY BECAUSE IT'S CAUSING ME TO LOSE ABSOLUTELY EVERY SINGLE ONE OF MY CHANCES AT EVERYTHING IN LIFE#BUT I CAN'T AND I'M FATED TO UTTER MISERY IN EVERY SINGLE CONCEIVABLE WAY POSSIBLE#HOW CAN I EVER LOVE MYSELF IF I HAVE SUCH A DEFECTIVE AND UNFIXABLE EXISTENCE??????#no really. i'm growing far too effing done with existing in constant mental agony and a slowburnout i can't even take a rest away from#and yes i just coined the term slowburnout for that kind of burnout that runs in the background because i've just been burnt out for decade#i've been burnt out since childhood and i can't catch a single break because not even the universe itself wants me to#now answer me: how can i love myself when not even GOD loves me?#(no don't come at me with that nonsense God literally tried to murk me at my baptism because He didn't want me around)#which is kinda why i'd rather be an atheist and attribute it to a coincidence... because being unloved even by god STINGS.#a lowkey fear of mine was being the antichrist but to be the antichrist i'd need to be successful and that ain't gonna happen#and no saying 'you wouldn't hate your dog for snapping at you' doesn't work either because i'm not a dog. i'm SUPPOSED to have control.#but i fail at having basic control under acure agony and i'm inferiorized over it!#and then i end up hating myself AND inferiorizing myself over losing control as well. gorgeous!#i just want the constant mental agony to stop but it never does no matter what i do so there's that.#'it's all just excuses' shut your damn mouth up. i wish everyone who says it a very CONSTANT MENTAL AGONY.#y'all wouldn't last a day in my shoes. y'all wouldn't last AN HOUR with my hecked-up brain. y'all would KILL YOURSELVES.#i know it because i am almost at this point.#anyway... yeah. sorry for rambling
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luckyowl21 · 6 months ago
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Making detailed lesson plans on how to teach kids to draw for work is so weird when you were (mostly) self-taught and everyone I know who work with kids goes “be prepared to have your plans derailed”
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fxnfiction · 1 year ago
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right now i like to consider reading fanfiction my full time job
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prokopetz · 5 months ago
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I'm not gonna claim that most Tumblr polls are anything like rigorously structured, but I've seen a lot of folks rather smugly asserting that having a "not applicable" option that ends up dominating all other responses is evidence that the person who created the poll is incompetent, and y'all: under the specific circumstances in which these polls are constructed and distributed, that outcome is evidence of good poll design, not bad poll design. Yes, even when the "not applicable" responses outnumber all other responses ten to one. There are several reasons for that:
At the time of this posting, Tumblr polls have no "see response" button. The only ways to see a poll's distribution of responses are to wait for the poll to conclude, or to respond yourself – and not only are people on social media typically curious and impatient, many of them also know that there's no way they'll remember to check back later once the poll has concluded, so in practice, their opportunity to see the results is now or never. Adding a little note to the poll insisting that people who aren't part of the targeted demographic should refrain from voting isn't necessarily going to restrain that impulse. Indeed, it may end up encouraging folks who otherwise wouldn't have picked a random result-revealing response to do so, because fuck you, don't tell me what to do.
Many respondents genuinely won't realise they're not part of the targeted demographic until after they've voted. It doesn't matter how much text you add to contextualise the poll, because they'll read the poll first, and if they read the accompanying text at all, it's only after they've responded. Heck, a lot of folks don't even bother to read the question before responding to a poll; they just start going down the options and reflexively click the first one that seems like it might apply to them, then go back and read what was actually being asked (and complain in the notes if it turns out that they misunderstood). Even a well-meaning person can only comply with instructions they've actually read; for those folks, clicking the "not applicable" option is what compliance looks like.
Even folks who do fit your poll's targeted demographic can fall prey to the imp of the perverse. Giving the most accurate response rather than the most entertaining one can be a real struggle for a lot of folks; in scientific analysis of polling data, this is known as the "mischievous responder bias". In an informal setting like Tumblr, it's reasonable to suppose that the mischievous responder effect might be exaggerated compared to polls conducted in more formal contexts, and a well-designed poll is going to take that into account. A humorous "not applicable" option provides an escape by affording folks the freedom to screw around with the knowledge that they're not polluting useful data by doing so; in practice, the "I am a toaster" option is a mischievous response filter.
What this adds up to is that a poll where 90% of the responses hit the "not applicable" button is more likely to have yielded useful data than a poll with a narrow target audience where some unknown percentage of the responses represent folks not reading the instructions, clicking random options to see the results, and/or taking the piss.
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norrisainz33 · 18 days ago
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friend of a friend || MV33
☆ summary: max meets his dream girl through his friends good friend, pato o’ward
☆ pairing: max verstappen x mexican!reader
☆ fc & warnings: gala montes & poorly translated spanish and slightly suggestive! you are responsible for the content you consume
☆ requested: yes!! thank you for requesting and apologies for the delay 🫶🏻
゚. ✿ ୨❤︎୧⠀✿ . ゚
maxverstappen1 has made a post
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liked by ynuser, redbullracing, schecoperez, charlesleclerc and 547,936 others
maxverstappen1: enjoying some much needed sun and relaxation before we head to vegas 😴
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user1: max i’ll meow if you need another cat
user2: i’m sorry who in the heck is in the last slide
user4: is he soft launching rn??? at a time like this???
user6: so this is why he still looks happy despite rbr woes
user7: is that his girlfriend?!
user8: max please give us the tea
user9: f1gossip im begging you to figure out who this is
redbullracing: happy you’re getting some r&r max 🤍
ynuser: mi novio es tan bonito [my boyfriend is so pretty]
[liked by maxverstappen1]
user9: now hold up ….. who is this and why did max like
f1gossip: taking note of this interaction
user12: ugh she’s private so we can’t even snoop but she’s followed by pato and elba oward, carlos, rebecca, rbr and checo
user13: this is pato and elba’s childhood friend!!! she’s good friends with them
user12: everyone say thank you user13
user3: the shirtless photos?? the soft launch??? how am i supposed to be normal
charlesleclerc: 👀
user4: i’m gonna miss ur fine ass when i scroll
user5: sometimes you just gotta say damn and move on
ynuser has added to their story 🔒
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[staying here forever]
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yourbff: in monaco???? no gracias. you can’t leave me like that 😭
ynuser: yes monaco!! it is so beautiful 🥹
yourbff: you’re not just saying that because of a certain man?
ynuser: oh no i am saying that bc of a certain man 😮‍💨 he is a dream come true bestie
yourbff: ugh do elba and pato have any other hot millionaire friends they could set me up with???
ynuser: i’ll ask them im sure they do
yourbff: preferably one who’s name rhymes with pranko dolapinto
ynuser: HAHAHA mi amiga
carlossainz55: te gusta monaco? [you like monaco?]
ynuser: yes!! i love it. you, me, rebecca and max should grab dinner one night while im here!!
carlossainz55: i’d love that
maxverstappen1: you can always move 🤷🏻‍♂️
ynuser: maybe one day 🤔
elbaoward: my work here is done 🥹
ynuser: you are a magician. how’d you know we were perfect for each other?
elbaoward: bc i know my best friend 🤍
ynuser: te amo elba 🫶🏻
redbullracing: can’t wait to see you in vegas!
patriciooward has made a post
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liked by ynuser, elbaoward, yourbff, maxverstappen1, landonorris, and 321,345 others
patriciooward: gentle mornings with my hermanas
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user12: oh max is in the likes 👀
ynuser: why do you insist on picking the worst photos
patriciooward: it’s my brand
elbaoward: 💁🏻‍♀️
maxverstappen1: send me the last pic
patriciooward: done!
ynuser: PATO wtf
user12: user13 you were right
user1: oh to have gentle mornings with pato 😭
user3: i love that he calls y/n his sister too
ynuser has made a post 🔒
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liked by maxverstappen1, yourbff, carlossainz55, iamrebeccad, patriciooward, and 313 others
ynuser: la vida últimamente [life lately]
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yourbff: ugh the red hair suits you
ynuser: i agree 🥹
maxverstappen1: prettiest girl in the whole world
ynuser: mi amor 🥹 i love you 🤍
maxverstappen1: te amo
elbaoward: the spanish 😭🥹🩷
maxverstappen1: i’m working on it!
iamrebeccad: dinner last night was so fun. let’s do it again 🤍
ynuser: i’d love that!! see you in vegas darling
patriciooward: oh so you’ll post but not answer my texts
ynuser: yes exactly
friend1: hermosa chica [beautiful girl]
maxverstappen1 has posted to his story
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user2: max emilian the man that you are
user4: screaming crying throwing up. i can’t believe he’s off the market
ynuser: my man my man my man 😍
maxverstappen1: that’s me baby
ynuser: thanks for inviting me to vegas with you
maxverstappen1: schjate you’re invited everywhere with me. i never want to be without you
ynuser: omg you big softie
charlesleclerc: oh she’s got you dressing up now too?
maxverstappen1: i want to look nice for my girl what can i say
charlesleclerc: oh he’s in love
maxverstappen1: 🤭 maybe
user5: i ! can’t believe you’re not wearing skinny jeans. the power she must have
schecoperez: i like this girl 😉
maxverstappen1: me too
user6: the emoji???????? max i’m speechless who are you
ynuser has added multiple stories 🔒
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yourbff: god you’re gorgeous. have so much fun at the race baby
ynuser: thank you bebe. vegas is amazing - i am having the best time
yourbff: living vicariously through you 🥹
maxverstappen1: you have no business looking this good especially when there’s nothing i can do about it 😫
ynuser: win me the race and you can have me as a prize later 😉
maxverstappen1: you got it baby
elbaoward: are you in red bull hospitality??? come to mclaren i want to see youuuuu
ynuser: yes i’m in red bull but will cross enemy lines for you gorgeous
patriciooward: hermana donde estas? [sister where are you?]
ynuser: omw patito
f1gossip has made a post
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liked by user1, user2, yourbff, user3, user4, user5, user6, user7 and 7,234 others
f1gossip: in an interview earlier today max confirmed his relationship with, y/n y/l/n. y/n is childhood friends with elba and pato o’ward and it turns out that the siblings introduced max and y/n in miami earlier this season. the pair hit it off immediately according to max and “it was the closest thing to love at first sight he’d ever experienced.” she’s in attendance today at the grand prix! let us know if you get the chance to meet her and if there’s any further intel you get
view all 271 comments
user1: ohhhhh max 🥹
user2: this interview melted my heart. he looked so genuinely happy to be talking about her
user7: i love seeing him happy
user3: i’m obsessed with them already. perhaps my new favorite wag
user4: love at first sight???? i’m not crying! you are!!
user6: the way max also talked about trying to learn spanish for her because she’s mexican and how he’s also trying to teach her some of his language too 🥹😭
user8: this is the sweetest thing. that is true love idc what any of yall say
user5: i hope a love like this finds me one day
maxverstappen1 has made a post
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liked by ynuser, yourbff, schecoperez, alex_albon, patriciooward, and 645,123 others
maxverstappen1: vegas you were a fun one - thanks for having me and y/n/n!
view all 546 comments
user2: y/n/n 😭
user4: crying my eyes out
user6: yayyy maxie!!! glad to see you on the podium again
ynuser: te amo mucho vegas 🤍
maxverstappen1: and you te amo mucho me too right?
ynuser: omg yes maxie. i love you endlessly
user14: SIMP
user15: max asking for validation has done something to me.
charlesleclerc: great drive max!
patriciooward: take care of my girl ok?
maxverstappen1: you got it pato! no need to worry
redbullracing: our champion 💪🏻
user8: jealousy isn’t cute on me but here we are
゚. ✿ ୨❤︎୧⠀✿ . ゚
a/n: thank you for reading!! reblogs, feedback and likes are very appreciated 🫶🏻
゚. ✿ ୨❤︎୧⠀✿ . ゚
disclaimer: pictures are not mine and everything i write is fiction
© norrisainz33 || please do not rewrite, translate, or copy any of my works posted here on to any other platform
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loregoddess · 1 year ago
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Alear, I love you, but I am never drawing you again bc of that color palette
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recreationalfanfics · 2 years ago
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"What A Beautiful Family!"
In which you get confused for being a family
Rengoku:
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- It happens during a trip to the store in town with his little brother. Maybe it was to restock groceries or maybe it was buying supplies for his next demon conquest, either way: all three of you went down to visit.
- Rengoku smiled softly at you as he watched you with his little brother, holding his hand and laughing with Senjuro and occasionally lifting him up and spinning around.
- At some point during the walk, Senjuro pointed at some birds flying in the tree and begged Kyojuro for a closer look, which Kyojuro happily allowed him to do and put him on his shoulders with a big smile. You helped Senjuro steady himself and laughed at how precious the two looked.
- As Senjuro and Kyojuro debated about what kind of birds they were, you couldn't help but look at Kyojuro with nothing less than love in your eyes and a fond smile.
- "Aw, how precious!" a woman walking past with a basket filled with baked goods cooed at you three, "I'm glad even with demons terrorizing us, people can still have moments like this. Here, have some!"
- At first you tried to decline out of embarrassment but Kyojuro humbly took them and gave one to Kyojuro and handed a pastry to you. You were hesitant but then you took it and graciously thanked the lady, "but also, I feel bad for not paying for these, ma'am. Please, let me-"
- "Don't you worry about it. A beautiful family like you should enjoy a good snack on such a lovely day, especially since your husband's a hashira."
- Rengoku opened his mouth to let out a hearty "TASTY!" but stopped himself halfway when he heard that. You just stared at the lady in flustered shock as she bowed her head and walked away.
- You and Kyojuro shared a look with each other, Kyojuro giving you a nervous yet wide grin and you returned it. Both of your faces felt warm and you were barely able to hold eye contact with each other.
- "Haha, that lady thought you were (Y/n)'s husband! Isn't that funny, big brother?" and Rengoku's gaze softens as you become timid and look down at your feet, "Yes...I suppose it is, Kyojuro."
Tengen:
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- You were walking with Tengen and his wives, happy to see him a bit more after his retirement, when you stumbled upon three neighboring children, who played too roughly and were crying their eyes out about it.
- You and Hinatsuru helped them while Suma tried not to cry with the two boys but offered to help and Makio awkwardly tried to calm them down. Tengen just squatted down and told them that it wasn't very flashy to cry, which made you and Hina elbow him.
- Instead of getting more upset, however, all three boys became excited and seemed to recgonize Tengen, asking him if he was the sound Hashira, which seemed to greatly inflate his ego as he said: "Yes but I am also the God of Festivals!"/ "WOW! REALLY!?"
- You and his wives exchanged glances knowing he wouldn't shut up. When they asked if he could tell him a story of the demons he fought, he tried to be all: "Oh, it might be too scary for you kids...BUT WHAT THE HECK- So I was in the Entertainment District which is filled with prost-"/ "UZUI."/ "IT'S IMPORTANT TO THE STORY."
- Anyways, after some censoring, each boy found a home in your lap, Suma's lap, and another sat on Hinatsuru's but leaned their head on Makio's arm. All of you entranced by Tengen's storytelling and prescence.
- "Haha, such an energetic father. Those boys are definetly gonna grow up strong!"/ "I wonder which of those women are his wife?"/ "From the way they're looking at him, all four, probably."
- Tengen's voice suddenly stopped, most likely because he heard what they said, but instead of correcting him, his eyes landed on you. You could feel Hina's, Suma's, and Makio's gaze on you as well and you felt timid...but not uncomfortable. His lips upturned into a smirk and you felt yourself trying to look at ANYWHERE but the attractive faces that were staring at you.
- "Well, what happened next!?" One of the boys demanded, impatient from the cliff hanger.
- "Huh- Oh, right! Anyways, this demon CAME OUT and he was UGLY. Absolutely hideous, like a monster that crawled from under your bed-"
- When the boys finally were called home, you all waved goodbye and parted ways. Leaving you alone with the retired Hashira and his wives, you didn't say anything but the energy felt different as Suma clung to your arm and Tengen walked closer to you, Makio's eyes would stray towards you but timidly look away when you caught her gaze as Hina wished this walk would last forever. Just the five of you.
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wolfofansbach · 1 year ago
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BEING A LIST OF THE THIRTEEN GREATEST RIVERDALE LINES, ON THE OCCASION OF THAT SHOW'S TERMINATION
As our much loved/hated show comes to an end, I feel compelled to record, for posterity, the greatest thirteen pieces of dialogue to spring from the pens of RAS and his henchmen. It was, of course, originally a top ten list, but I simply could not exclude a few of these treasures. Without further ado: 
13. 
“I dropped out in the 4th grade, to sell drugs, to support my nana.” 
“That means you haven't known the triumphs and defeats, the epic highs and lows of high school football.” 
Spoken by: an inmate of Leopold and Loeb Juvenile Detention Center, and Archie Andrews. 
In: 3 x 2 
Yeah, okay, this one had to be on the list. It’s funny, I’ll admit. It’s a great example of the overwrought semi-sincere melodrama that helped make this show so special. It’s low on the list largely because The Normies got their hands on it, so every time I hear someone make a reference I get all “do not cite the deep magic to me, witch.” 
12. 
“No! No! What are we supposed to do now? I’m horny as heck!”
Spoken by: Archie Andrews 
In: 7 x 16
Season 7 is undeniably dreadful, and yet there are diamonds in the rough. The occasion is the failure of a projector, just as Archie and Reggie prepare to watch a pornographic film. The utter desperation with which KJ Apa delivers this line is exquisite. One is made to feel they are witnessing a genuine tragedy. 
11. 
“Tonight, they’re making an exception and debuting a cover of the song my parents claim they were listening to the night Jason and I were conceived.” 
Spoken by: Cheryl Blossom. 
In: 1 x 1 
Really a fantastic line. A wonderful encapsulation of the casual absurdity of Cheryl’s character, and a foretaste of the lunacy we would plumb in later episodes and seasons. 
10. 
“In case you haven’t noticed, I’m weird. I’m a weirdo. I don’t fit in and I don’t want to fit in. Have you ever seen me without this stupid hat on? That’s weird.” 
Spoken by: Jughead Jones
In: 1 x 10
A genuine classic. “High school football” before “high school football.” One is never entirely sure just how sincere the line is meant to be, both on a meta-level and in-universe. A perfect illumination of Jughead’s pretentiousness. It is made all the better by the occasional cuts to Lili Reinhard’s agonized face. 
9. 
“At the last dance, multiple students were murdered.” 
Spoken by: Principal Holden Honey. 
In: 4 x 2
Delivered as an explanation to Toni and Cheryl, as to why there would be no school dance this year. Principal Honey is in fact supremely rational in the cancellation of this dance. This being Riverdale, he is of course treated as an unreasonable tyrant. 
8. 
“Bro, I know all the secrets of this universe.” 
Spoken by: Archie Andrews (evil version)
In: 6 x 5 
Spoken as evil Archie reveals his evil plan to keep the parallel universes apart. KJ Apa’s delivery once again makes this line. He is comically sinister. Strangely, he sells it. 
7. 
“A Vughead kiss, right now, in the present might be precisely what it takes to save a future Bughead from imploding.” 
Spoken by: Jughead Jones. 
In: 2 x 14
One of those lines that both makes me laugh and makes me genuinely angry. This was a fairly early season, and this may have actually been the first line to get me asking, ‘did they genuinely write and deliver that?’ Extra points for use of the atrocious ‘Vughead’ portmanteau ship name rather than ‘Jeronica.’ 
6. 
“I’m the ultimate wild card. I am the daughter of The Black Hood. The nightmare from next door. I’m training with the FBI and I’m coming for you, you psycho bitch.” 
Spoken by: Betty Cooper
In: 4 x 14 
Just delicious. Another one of those lines that leaves you somewhat unsure whether or not the writers understood how genuinely hysterical it was. “The Nightmare from Next Door” sounds like an announcer hyping up a wrestler. Spoken with a raw sincerity by Lili Reinhart. Also points for the heavy homoeroticism between Betty and Donna. 
5. 
“For I am Cheryl Blossom, Queen of the Bees.” 
Spoken by: Cheryl Blossom.
In: 5 x 16. 
This one really doesn’t require any elaboration. 
4. 
“Elijah ascended…and I will, too.” 
Spoken by: Edgar Evernever.
In: 4 x 5. 
Admittedly, this one is only spectacular with context. But in context—the context being that Chad Michael Murray delivers this line while dressed like Evel Knievel and standing in a cartoon rocket right out of a Warner Bros cartoon—it becomes utterly magnificent. 
3. 
“It’s not queer baiting, it’s saving the world.” 
Spoken by: Veronica Lodge. 
In: 6 x 22. 
It’s actually hard for me to decide whether this one is funnier with or without context. Without context it’s wonderful, but it possibly becomes even funnier when you know that the context is that Veronica needs to kiss Cheryl to transfer superpowers into her body so she can turn into a Scarlet Witch knock-off and stop a magic comet summoned by Sephiroth an English wizard who is also the Devil. 
2. 
“If there’s no wedding reception, it means the Gargoyle King has won.” 
Spoken by: Kevin Keller. 
In: 3 x 12.
One of my personal favorites. This is a perfect line because like #3, it requires no real elaboration. There is absolutely no context in which it isn’t hysterical. 
1 .
“Word of my exploits serving Nick his comeuppance has seeped into the demimonde of mobsters and molls my father used to associate with, so the five families are sending their youngest and brightest, their ‘princes,’ as it were to, well, come court the rare Mafia Princess who can belly up to the bar with the big boys.
Spoken by: Veronica Lodge. 
In: 2 x 20. 
This is, in my opinion, the all-timer. Every word is perfect. The rapid-fire alliteration. The use of the word ‘demimonde.’ The entirely unnecessary addition of ‘as it were.’ This is borderline Dr. Seuss. The fact that Camila Mendes delivered it without cracking a smile should have won her an Emmy. No. An Oscar. This line is Riverdale. 
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