#HER PARENTS CANT OUTLIVE HER

[potatoesmoomaddie]

Ok you have to hear me out on this

Veah grows up to be the goddess of heart

[dullgecko]

Some moments between the bad kids and the other parents

(Freshman) Sklonda seeing Fig sitting on the curb at like 11am and offering to take her home, but Fig doesn’t want to go so she lets her spend the night. Sklonda did end up calling Sandralynn and found out what was going on at home. Fig was allowed to come over whenever she wanted after that.

Sandralynn taking Gorgug with her to see some griffins that have been resting in the mountains it was a long hike and Gorgug let it slip that he wanted to be Druid at one point, Sandralynn was so supportive. The griffins were probably the coolest thing Gorgug’s seen.

Hallerial and Adaine having an elvish dinner together, it gets really deep and they start talking about existential stuff, like how they’re both gonna outlive their friends and family, Hallerial lets it slip that she’s not ready for Fabian die because she wasn’t there for a lot of his childhood.

(Freshman year) Kristen asking Gorthalax a lot of religious stuff. Like did he think falling was worth or if he knows any deities that he thinks would accept her. Gorthalax want to get emotional because he used to be angel questions stuff divinity.

Riz going to the Thistlesprings to help him modify some of gadgets and he leaves with things like smoke bombs, poisonous bullets, and coming to realization that the Thistlesprings are bad ass as fuck.

Fig doesnt want to go back into the appartment with Gilear, and she doesnt want to go home to her mom, so she just sits outside of the Strongtower appartments in the middle of the day on a Sunday with nowhere to go. Sklonda is on her way to work, spots this kid that she knows is in her sons adventuring party (which only three weeks ago got attacked by a horrific corn monster at school), and offers to drive her home on the way to the station.

Fig is clearly upset about something but she refuses the ride so Sklonda gives her her house keys and says to at least stay inside her apartment if she has nowhere else to go. Riz is in there passed out asleep on the couch anyway so its not like she'd be left to her own devices in her apartment while she's at work it's fine. Coincidentally this is also the first time any of the bad kids see Riz actually asleep so when the conspiracy theories start up among the rest of the bad kids later that goblins dont sleep Fig is able to refute the claims. With proof. She took pictures. Mostly because it was also the first time she saw him wearing anything other than his suit (he had actual pajamas on).

She eventually goes back to Gilears appartment to get her stuff when Sklonda comes home later that night, and her and Riz have their first sleepover (even though Riz was asleep most of the day already).

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Sandra Lynn agrees that Gorgug should look into being a druid. Baxter clearly likes him so he has a bit of an affinity for animals, and their party really needs one if they're going to be doing any sort of adventuring in the wilderness. She gives him so many pamphlets when they get home. She's a bit disappointed when he ends up multi-classing as an artificer because thats two strikes she's had trying to help a kid be a ranger (Fig is so terrible at it she's banned from using projectile weapons). Oh well, she still has four other bad kids she could try converting... maybe she'll try the goblin next time.

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Fabian is there for the beginning of the dinner but his mother and Adaine start getting so philosophical that he ends up excusing himself. Honestly he can't stand the whole you're dying so fast talk full elves tend to devolve into whenever talking about him. It makes his chest hurt in a way that he cant quite work out why. Its probably the fact that his mother and grandfather seem to have both been mourning his death from the moment he was born (his mothers favorite coping mechanism being drinking herself senselees) rather than enjoying the time they still have with him.

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Kristen has a lot of questions, and is constantly doubting herself, so having Gortholax there to get at least SOME answers is very comforting. Gortholax does get a little quiet with a far off look in his eyes when she asks him if he ever doubted the convictions that lead him to falling, and he can only ever give her half answers. He doesnt doubt that what he did was right now because he likes how his life has finally panned out.

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Riz really likes visiting the Thistlesprings. Other than the fact that Gorgug is there the Thistlesprings are so nice, and their house is full of furniture actually scaled for a creature his size (his apartment and office are furnished with human-sized furniture simply because its cheaper to buy second hand). There's still a lot of furniture for Gorgug too of course, they wouldnt force him to sit in gnomish sized chairs, but its nice getting to just sit and chill in a world thats his size while his friends parents tinker with his weaponry. He's pretty sure half the stuff they give him isnt stricktly legal, but they just pat his head and tell him not to let anyone find out about it and he'll be fine.

Plus, they seem to be on a mission to overfeed the hell out of him every time he visits which is always awesome.

[nerves-nebula]

Oh I see the issue, you’re seeing everyone as potential threats but don’t recognize that what you view as reasonable is actually not realistic. Take it from me, I’m in uni and someone insulted me in front of a large group of people. The thing is, it’s summer now here and classes are over. Situations change and people move around, and I won’t have to see them again for a long while now. That’s true for you too, the people you’re around will change, you’ll meet people who will be willing to help you if someone else wants to hurt you. It’s not reasonable to assume upsetting someone will ruin your life, and many people find themselves making enemies and friends and still pushing forward.

RUDE (im joking) I know its not entirely realistic,, but at the same time, what if it turns into one of those "horrible neighbor" situations where I end up getting shot by the police cause of a cruel prank or something.

and even if I don't have to see them over the summer, I'll still likely have to see them again next year, and the following years until we graduate.

there are some people you can only escape through death!! I'm still terrified that one day my mom will find out where I live and show up randomly on my doorstep like "hi!! I came to visit you :)" and its like- its like. like.

i mentioned this earlier somewhere, but there's a comic i like called Nasty Red Dogs, and there's a part where one of the characters is being carried and shes freaking out and i think she's in pain but i don't remember, and the person carrying her tells her to imagine a safe place to try to relax, and she says "I've never been anywhere safe!"

and it's like that to me. all the time. even my safest places are never truly safe, cause there are people out there who could ruin everything just by showing up. and no matter what, I don't want there to be MORE of those people. cause right now i have a solid chance of outliving at least 2 of those people (my parents) and possibly the third as well (older brother) but a peer? a peer from my school who I might see later on in my career, because we're both gunning for the same general field of study? someone i might see on and off for the rest of my life??????

I'd almost rather never talk to anyone than risk that- but i CANT not talk to anyone cause that's how i end up miserable.

anyway, clearly something is wrong with me.

[tittyblade]

put a finger down if you wver accidentally (kind of) killed a man to later find out he had an illegitimate daughter so now you have to find the other parent but the mom you find is not fit to look after her and while the daughter was staying with you she kind of grew on you (even if you wont admit it for months) so you decide to parent her maybe and find a good preschool for her because kids deserve to be taken care of and along the way you get closer with this other dude your age staying with you whom until recently you saw as a freeloader but maybe he’s charming and good at taking care of people so maybe you enjoy how he takes care of you when you’re too depressed to do so (you wont admit it) and months pass and you learn what having a family is like and what it means to love & be loved unconditionally and you feel emotions like you’ve never felt before you smile and cheer and grow to accept this part of yourself while coparenting a kid with a partner you may or may not be attracted to. months pass and you can’t remember what your old life used to be like and you can’t imagine a life without these people.

but then your fucked up father whos the root of everything wrong in your life who literalky FORCED you into murdering people for a living orders that you go back to your old life and its not like you can say no because you know what happens to the people who tries to leave the Family (you were forced to kill the one other man you might’ve called your family because he fell in love and dared to dream another life) and you cannot watch harm come to these people. so this other informant guy who’s sort of your friend steps in and calls the bio mother of your daughter and SURPRISE she actually changed?? guess what shes also got CANCER now and she reevaluated everything so she wants her daughter back and genuinely wants to give her a good life and who are you to say no to that so you burn all your bridges and act like being family hadn’t become as easy as breathing to you. you try to eat you try to sleep but nothing works you become a hollow shell of what your family carved you to be and maybe there’s nothing holding you back anymore (doesnt it hurt to say that?) so you give your partner a parting gift (a memento to remember you by & a promise to keep those carvings and quit some of your self destructive habits) and go back to your dad but he’s fucked up as always and the scum on earth so he orders for your family to be ALL KILLED so you rush to save them but you were too late. you made the call right on time. your little daughter lives but now her mothers gone. you killed his father and now your father killed the only other biological family she had left. then you have a second breaking out with your partner because you live a life of crime this isnt safe for a 5 year old. wake up from your dream. all this ever could be was temporary yet you got too attached. but we cant run away from her we cant abandon her who’s more fit to keep her safe than us? i learned how warm the flesh feels when its alive and i cant admit it but i’m admitting it now. i cant go back to the way things have been i cant live without her or without you. so you decide that maybe theres room for a family of three in this safe house and maybe you have more allies than you thought and maybe. just maybe. you can outlive the curse that is your surname and have the one thing you never dared to hope.

anyways ☝️✊

[maxellminidisc]

Like you absolutely grow up way too fast when you have a sibling with disabilities because you either start thinking or are influenced to feel that you have to be a parent or a grown up to help your sibling when truly your job is to be a sibling with some awareness that your sibling requires different kinds of care. And that can either end up making you direct resentment to the wrong person (aka your sibling and not your parents for neglecting your needs as another child in the home) or feeling like you have to handle responsibility at the same level as your parents that they should be shouldering and not you, even to the point where like all the desires you may have, you may even believe you have to set them aside to be of help.

And it sucks cause growing up you feel like you cant talk about any negative emotion about these circumstances or your environment, especially feelings of neglect or isolation, without looking like a bad person, feeling guilty about having these feelings in comparison to what your siblings is going through, like you're being selfish or a brat, and often as a result you end repressing it and putting it in your head that you have to ALWAYS be good so you're not adding more burden to the situation at home.

And its wild cause like parents need to instead foster siblinghood amongst their kids, not making them fit into adult roles or worse, doing the opposite of this and leaving them in the dark when it comes to what their siblings are going through and ultimately making them feel like an outlier. This would be far more helpful in the future for all siblings involved given that a majority of people with disabilities that have siblings, end up with their siblings being the people who are most constant in their lives, even more so than parents because we unfortunately are more likely to outlive our parents. When we have the opportunity to have space and desires for ourselves with support from family, to have fostered lives like anyone else where we have the ability and assured space for ourselves then family, I think making the switch to being our siblings main source of support and care wouldn't feel like an extension of that environment of, dare I say, enmeshment? that can happen. And not to mention I highly fucking doubt siblings with disabilities appreciate that their siblings act like parent figures all the time when all they went is a brother or sister, someone who treats them like a person with their own autonomy that their parents can sometimes unfortunately fail at.

It crazy cause like I think now that me and my sister are adults we understand that WAY more than our mom does LMAO I sometimes try to do things for her from years of habit and conditioning to always be looking after her and she'll be like "Stop. You're not my mom and I can do it" or "Hey I need space, go away and draw or something " and I'm like damn ur right ok! LMAO started realizing I could be far more of help to my sister as her sister than as her psuedo dad and it absolutely is true. Because now that's shes dealing with trauma, my sister doesn't trust anyone else in my house with her feelings or what she needs, let alone her words except me now that I've slowly started to change our dynamic. Everyone has to basically communicate with her through me now that's she gone non verbal with most people.

[tauforged]

sometimes i think about the time my little sister and i were talking about gender and i found out that she knew she was trans before i did but kept it deep deep down and seeing the way our parents reacted when i came out first was what made her decide that if she ever wanted to be happy she needed to leave and never look back and i just ache with a profound bittersweet sadness. like. i’m so sorry to know you felt that way and i wish i’d been there for you but i’m so glad that i was still able to protect you in a sense even if i didn’t know i was. everything they ever said or did to me was worth it because now i know that if it hadn’t been me, it would’ve been you, and i would have rather died than let that happen to you. i see her now living with her boyfriends family happy and free and finally coming into herself now that she’s left and i feel like a caged bird watching the rest of my flock fly far away, but i can’t help but smile because after they locked me up i swallowed the key and i know that nobody else will ever be trapped like me again. i cant wait for us both to outlive these cunts and skip their funerals fr

[milkolya]

i feel like oversharing on this fine friday morning abt whats going on in my life. if you read this, thank you 💖 i know we tumblr gays are all going Through It at any given moment, and the solidarity has always helped me cope

(TW suicide) (with details)

last week my grandfather on my mothers side killed himself by jumping out the 12th story window of their apartment building in russia. he'd been fighting esophageal cancer for approximately 4 years. he was 70 years old. he definitely had some issues, some trauma or mental health struggles, you know, SOMETHING, that led him to excessive drinking and smoking for the vast majority of his life. like, he wouldnt have had cancer if he actually took care of himself you know? its his vices / coping mechanisms that caused it. and once he started getting treated, he didnt have it in him to change his lifestyle to make the treatments worth anything.... he continued on drinking and smoking and eating sugar by the spoon (another cause of the cancer is poor diet) and even insisted that he would die if he gave up any of those things. id get in trouble if i used the "alcoholic" word around my family but they were watering down his wine behind his back when my parents visited in 2021. like come on. and even at 70, he still outlived all of his siblings, all of which died from alcoholism related causes afaik. he just... he was clearly suffering, and in classic russian fashion, he kept everything bottled up forever, never made any effort to get better, and one day when sitting down to do his bills he decided you know what, i dont want to do this anymore.

thats what happens when you dont address problems!!!!

obviously its heartbreaking but its also incredibly frustrating for me. i was super suicidal as a teenager and my mother did NOT take it seriously, she told me that it was "normal" and everyone experiences it (including her). now in retrospect i understand that she was trying to help me and comfort me, that that thought must have helped her, but like. its not normal... and its pretty fucked up that ive been suicidal, my mother has been suicidal, and now my grandpa (her dad) killed himself. he fucking killed himself!!!! what the fuck!! and i continue to be the ONLY PERSON in my ENTIRE FAMILY who tries to seek help through medication and therapy and just like, at least fucking acknowledge that we have hereditary fucking issues in the form of trauma and mental illness.... its just a mess.

and of course my mother and grandmothers top concern is What If Hes Not In Heaven. cause suicide is a sin. cause thats what we should be focused on ?!?!? sigkapfilwkflamcnwgkqj . it makes me want to scream.

ive just been surrounded by suicide my whole goddamn life and i wish it would end. my close friend attempted when i was 15 and i had no fucking clue what to do. multiple others i was close to at school were struggling with similar thoughts and urges, including myself. we were all desperately trying to hold eachother together, you know? far too much to handle for a bunch of kids. and then i went to uni, and my new friends there had similar issues, and in 2nd year, one of them did kill themself. they took their fathers gun and they shot themself in the head. and did my mother help me feel better? only until i mentioned suicide. once that was out there, there was ZERO sympathy, just judgement, and dismissal of their struggles. which really, really hurt me. because they were trans, and they couldnt handle how harsh this world is towards us, and obviously i really related to that sentiment.

like, i understand my grandpa too. i dont... i dont blame him personally? i dont even really blame my mother personally, when it comes to these kinds of issues. sometimes i will get mad at her about specific interactions but at the end of the day its russian society that made both of them this way. its so deeply ingrained. i just wish i could have helped my grandpa and i wish i could help my mama now but i cant. i can barely help myself.

and ive had to take time off work because i cant fucking focus and i just keep crying all the time and my brain is a foggy mess. and i dont know how to keep going. when will i feel better? i need to get back to work. will i be able to do that??

when my friend died... well, i call them my friend, but we were not close or anything. they were one of my good friend's roommates. we did talk occasionally and were on friendly terms. it just feels wrong to say "acquaintance" or something like that. i didnt process their death in a very timely manner. its weird but common, i think. about 2 years after it happened i started getting triggered by any content with suicide by gun. surprisingly common in media lol. folks love to hold a gun to their head on tv!! (side note: first movie i ever watched with my now fiancee, it was get out and when the guy shoots himself suddenly at the end i had a full blown fucking meltdown lmaooooooo so embarrassing it was like our 3rd date and the night of our first kiss)

idk why it took 2 years for that to start happening, i guess that was just my processing time. and then it took another two years or so to sort that out in therapy and im finally okay again and i can watch stuff with guns and suicide and not freak out. but now im scared of how this thing with my grandpa is going to affect me and how long thats going to last. i just want some peace and quiet :(

if u read all that, thank u. maybe give this a like to let me know. ive been deleting my vent posts a lot lately so idk if i will keep this up. my friends have been lovely and supportive, theres just not much anyone can really say to make it better. so it feels more comfortable to do a massive vent post like this thats optional to engage with. and ive always aired out my personal business on here so it feels right hehe.

[foxfifteen]

@floripire : continued from here bc i cant cut the post rip

time  no  longer  passes  in  the  same  manner  as  it  once  did.   days are  mere  fleeting  moments  in  an  eternal  life ,   merging  into  one  blurred  memory ,   usually  only  defined  by  location  over  specificity.   death  is  now  a  firm  friend ;   greeted  with  a  hardening  heart  and  tearless  eyes  at  each  passing  of  her  packmates.   she’d  made  it  to  outside  the  cemetery  for  scott’s  before  the  pain  was  too  much  and  she  left.   the  letter  informing  of  stiles’  funeral  went  unanswered.   she  never  even  found  out  when  lydia  passed.   

for  some  time  the  fox  remains solitary ,   drifts  aimlessly  from  coast  to  coast ,   travels  abroad  to  europe   &   spends  time  in  the  mountains  of  spain ,   picks  her  way  across  asia  to  visit  her  parents’  homelands  for  some  time.   noshiko  was  living  in  japan  at  this  point   ⸻   kira  adamantly  ignores  any  attempts  of  contact  from  the  woman  she  once  called  mother.

she  exists  in  a  space  between  chaos  and  calm ;   her  fox  always  on  a  leash  but  there ,   waiting  for  the  day  kira  would  let  it  free ,   allow  the  full  extent  of  her  power  to  thrum  through  her  veins.   back  the  states ,   she  picks  up  odd  jobs  across the  country ,   hunting  more  dangerous  supernatural  beings  to  protect  the  innocent.   the  irony  of  kira’s  own  danger  does  not  go  unnoticed. 

still ,   there  are  silver  linings   :   in  the  form  of  flori ,   kira  discovers  a  friend  once  more.   they  understood  each  other ,   gave  the  other  space  to  grapple  with  the  light  &  dark  within ,   without  judgement.   gave  space  to  address  and  process   the  grief  of  forever  outliving  friends.   they  are  good  for  each  other.   

her  vampy  habits  still  got  in  the  way  of  the  fox’s  intentions  sometimes.   kira  was  already  on  edge  returning  to  her  old  hometown   &   the  memory  of  the  somewhat  bloody  kill  of  their  former  employer  at  the  hands  teeth  of  flori  did  not  help  settle  her  stomach.   neither  did  the  memory of the glee  she  had felt  from  the  fox  within at the time.  

“ you’re gonna scare away any potential jobs.   hardly gonna have employer satisfaction if they come away from hiring us down money AND a head. ”

[honeyboyfelix]

i am having a lot of thoughts rn so i need to write them you can look away if you want this is super fucking long asdfghjkl

imagine you are a tiefling. your mom is an elf and will surely outlive you and your entire family. you dad is also a tielfing. you are the oldest of 4 children. you live a happy 14 years as a relatively poor tinkerers child who has an affinity for magic your parents support with their whole hearts. but you are *poor* still so sending their child to magic school is not really in the cards. you are 14 when your dad disappears and is presumed dead. your mother falls apart in her grief understandably but unfortunately, your dad was the only one in the family with a job (your mother helped with that job but without him there is nothing to help). you are the oldest so you decide to use what little magic you know to help you make money performing street magic to provide for your family, your siblings who are like 7 and a year old (twin babies) obviously cant do that for themselves. you love your family and you would do anything for them but its hard to grow your skills when all youre doing is staying alive and thats how you live for the next 6 years. youre still struggling for money so you plan on going to this festival out of town to try and get your name out. on the way there you stop at a city that asks you (why you??????) and a group of people to find one of their people whove gone missing. on the way you all realize youre headed the same way so you might as well all travel together. you participate in the festival with these friendly weirdos, you get attached to people very quickly since you have abandonment issues and all of them are really really nice and one of them is even from your hometown!!!! you make it to the finals of the competition and the group youre up against is maybe not the nicest but your group is soooooo friendly that both groups decide to be good sports in the competition and not be sore losers if they lose. during said final round you guys pick up an artifact that gives the entire party a vision of a man trapped and desperate asking you to help him. you win the competition and your name will be forever remembered in that way but now you have bigger issues like wtf was up with that vision and the artifact????? your wizardly curiosity pulls you in. you find out the artifact is one of the most powerful artifact in the world blessed by not just one but three separate gods and the man from your vision must be their champion. this is a lot bigger than you,,,, you just wanted money,,,, but your new friends want to help this man and something pulls you along. you go to the cursed city (the city where demons come out of the walls every day in a never ending onslaught since the greatest war in the history of the world ended and reshaped history at you know it)

before you get to the city the cursed moon gives the entire party horrible warped memory nightmares that make you remember the last time you saw your father, the argument he and your mother had before he disappeared. you dont really wanna think about it. your mentor who taught you magic gives you her sword which is the last thing your father made before he disappeared. it feels very personal.

the inside of this city is awful and horrible and your entire party of lovable weirdos gets slammed again and again with darkness and despair but somehow you manage to come out of it relatively unscathed, you even gain a new friend!!! one you pulled from a deck of many things in a test to prove your worth!!!! (the themes of friendship triumphing never end btw) this new friend is a tinkerer JUST like your dad and even now your brother is a tinkerer too so he feels a little bit like home but also weird cause youre not used to people taking care of you its usually the other way around so you dont really know what to do with this new guy. the leader of this town who's trying to keep the demons at bay rewards you all by giving you his vacation home for free in the city you need to go to next in your journey.

when you get to the city the head curator of the library youre working with recognizes you immediately even though youre on a whole different continent and something in your stomach drops. he asks you what your parent's names are and a cold and ugly feeling settles in your stomach before telling him. he says nothing as he takes the group to the medical research facility and you see your father for the first time in years, passed out cold covered in angry red glowing crystals. the disease is uncurable and will kill him very soon, you found your dad again just to have him ripped away and warped beyond recognition and you are unable to do anything about it really. the other party members are shocked and upset by this but none more that the parties cleric who, unbeknownst to the rest of the group, instantly recognizes the exact scenario you are going through. you do what you do best and try to bury your feelings about the situation and tell no one about how youre feeling :) it worked at home why wouldnt it work here. the cleric tells you that no matter what they are going to do whatever it takes to find a cure so you dont go through their same fate and you trust your friends so much you believe him, youre determined now to get rid of this curse. in the process of investigating you get into a fight with some cursed statues (the big bad red curse,,,, you know the one) and you fuck up your attack so bad it hurts deep in your soul,,,, suddenly your hands have a red rash across them and you feel so so so tired. see the thing about the curse... it comes from this red crystal.... the same crystal your father had been working on tinkering with before he died.... the same crystal the hilt of your sword is made of :)

the only people who see that youre cursed are the party cleric and your knight (the new friend from the deck of many things you have complicated feelings about) so you decide the rest of them dont need to know :) you dont tell them about the sword either, you just start using a new one,,,, no one asks either thankfully! anyway the library finally gives you the next location so you can hopefully end these peoples (who you are now one of) suffering but there is one problem: an aboleth who believes he is the man from the vision that set this quest off is guarding the entrance to the place youre supposed to go. oh and also!! the rival party from the beginning of the quest? theyve been helping you guys out to and they went to check it out before you could warn them almost dying in the process so thats,,,, this mission is doomed from the start you swear.

despite all warnings, you go in the place where the entrance is trying to find a way in the entire party enters a fight with these cursed eels that intensely swallow you already at half health and you already think "oh god oh god were all gonna die and my family is gonna think i abandoned them just like my dad i cant die here not like this not so close" and somehow the entire party makes it out by the skin of their teeth and more than a little doubt in their hearts. this party doesnt know when to quit so you go in again to finally fight befriend the aboleth, this party is all about hope and kindness despite all the absolute hopelessness theyve been surrounded by for the past like 5 months you see, theyre first instinct is to reach out with both hands to their worst enemies and no matter how hard the world beats them down,,,, its worked every time. so of course it works this time almost instantly (with the help of the entire group and shit ton of magical buffs on one man, its called group effort sweetie uwu)

finally you get to go into the area this entire trip has been building up, what is essentially the magical prison of a cursed man forgot completely by the world. you are obviously not having a great time, the secrets youre keeping weigh heavy on you, you feel responsible for all of the mistakes youre party has made you also feel responsible for dragging an innocent man into this (the knight who is just like you, lonely and stubborn and intelligent and awkward) and the horrors TM are kinda setting in on you every minute since you saw your dad again but couldnt even talk to him,,,,, you are running out of time and now the cleric is also cursed which is just,,,,,, too poetic really. this was already personal for you both and now its you in their shoes and the cards stacked up in such a horrible way. but youre still alive, theres still a chance, we have to make it not just for your dad or all those other strangers or for yourself but your kind friends who have done nothing but help you,,,, they deserve to make it through this. so you power through

the dungeon is,,,, awful. every room is a memory from the cursed mans life where he watched the world beat down anyone who cared for him, his parents almost killed for simply having him, the civilians he tried to protect dying because he is one man who makes mistakes, the army he commands falling in a never-ending war no matter how many battles he one the next would just bring more loss, he was cursed,,,, because everyone believed he was cursed but all you see is someone who is like you and your friends who should have been givin a chance at a better life.

his memories crush you under their weight -literally- they pin you to the floor and wont let you up and your magic is failing you. worst of all its getting your friends too and you can do nothing to help while youre still trapped like this. the knight (who the entire party agrees is somewho the best of all of you) is the first one to break free from the spell, you dont know what did it specifically but he turns to you first urging you to get up and fight the voices in your head trying to bring you down. the cursed man speaks in your head, your loved ones speak in there too, telling you to just give up to let go and surrender that the fight isnt worth it but you are so close you cant end up like your dad where the last conversation you had was a yelling match about why youd left you have to make it back,,,, so you do, you get up and you get your friends up too. because this group doesnt let people fqall into nihilism and obviously all of you still have your problems, no one is perfect, but its worth trying. its always worth the fight

[rainninpain]

My heart hearts so much. Its broken in a million littles pieces. The one person I need the most is.gone!! Im so unbelievably lonely. I never realized how.much I hurt and how sad i am. It is fay 291 which mean there are only 74 days until the one year anniversary of my moms death and it terrifies me. Why cant we just live forever?!? Why is it supposed to be the child that outlives the parent. My mom always told everyone I don't do well with death and her death is the absolute worst thing im going through in my entire life. This pain will never.change!! Dont take your parents for granted but truly trully truly never take your mom for granted because until shes not here you won't feel the loss. The amount of pain and sadness.

JFB

1949 August 13 -- 2022 April 19

[linzerj]

My Liz propaganda is all over all the previous Liz polls, but I do want to say thanks to everyone who's voted for her thus far!! Liz is my silly tragic ghost baby and I have put her through many Horrors in the stories I've made up in my head. Like she goes through a lot of shit - she died, her parents died, she and her friends decide to become heroes but you cant save everyone and she learns this the hard way, and eventually she outlives (out-exists??) all her friends - and yet she keeps smiling and pushing forward! Precious blorbo.

12 YEAR OLD OCS; SIDE A

Liz Turner [@linzerj] (she/her)

My first ever OC was a self-insert for a three-way crossover of Danny Phantom, Fairly OddParents, and Teen Titans, because i thought a half-ghost cousin of Timmy Turner who fights bad guys with the Teen Titans was a really cool idea. I created her when I was 12 and she was like the main thing i would draw from the ages of 12-15. She was the first of many, MANY OCs, kicking off a phase that would last until the end of my freshman year of college, actually. However, Liz has actually stuck around and evolved into someone who could almost exist separately from the fandoms she started in, if only I could figure out how to make a cool-sounding teen hero group name on my own. ANYWAY Liz kicks ass and takes names and can't figure out what the fuck her superhero code name should be (because I originally called her Storm before I realized the name Storm was already taken, and haven't been able to come up with another good name since.)

Clairé [@fagbearentertainment] (she/her)

She’s 11 years old, part demon, and was locked up and experimented on in a lab after she killed her family. She was rescued from the lab by another oc of mine, a journalist named Charlie, and they ran away together to be happy. Claire was really edgy and angst ridden over being traumatized from the lab and killing her family tho so no happy endings. She might’ve also been possessed I can’t remember now lol

[lnnovations]

the 'oops i accidentally adopted you' duo

[hirokiyuu]

sols roundup masterpost

i mentioned i was reworking the original post on my ao3 and so here it is! please note that a) there are a LOT of spoilers under the cut  (guy who has 80+ hours and multiple multiple endings) and b) there’s a lot of ways to take sol and these are just me having fun with them, if u dont like thats fine but dont tell me i don’t care. lol. also worth noting i think time loops are most fun when they subtly influence each other so there’s a lot of that in here LOL

worth noting i think theres a few traits that are pretty universal to them? wants to do right and full of love are the big two, tho curiosity, (seeming) warmth, and ability to fit in w/those around them are also pretty important tho i think more flexible. its just fun the way various sols can have those traits like.... manifest? an alien-hater sol who goes hunting all the time is just as valid as a sol dating dys that wants to end the war. just different ppl they love and different experiences. its fun

with that. onto the Meat

1) solana (she/her (demi?)girl, loyalty leaning lawyer, neutral end)

baby’s first run! outwardly warm but pretty cold inside. hypercompetent everywhere except in her love life. fell for tang when they were like nine on the ship and just sort of, never stopped, feeling that way, including when she was 100 years old and had outlived tang by nearly forty years, partially bc fixating on tang as people were dying was kind of. the only solace she had. wouldve really benefited from a good therapist.

2) solanaceae (he/him tguy, governor, peace ending)

childhood optimist with a hero complex turned "realist” but actually-exactly-the-same-just-depressed-about-it adult. saves tammy and tonin and hal! cannot save his parents :) grows a little distant from most of the people around him as a result, except dys, who Gets it. avoids tang for pretty much no reason he can understand, just has a sense of She Will Hurt You If You Get Too Close when he sees her sometimes. becomes governor solely bc he wants to save people. the kind of person you can trust in your house with your keys and your valuables and then someone asks ‘hey whats his favorite color’ and youre like. i dont. actually know

3) solane (they/them nb, gardener ending)

manic overconfident freak. definitely a ‘i wont tell people about my dreams bc it’s like i’m a HERO this way!’ type. saves everyone and extremely proud about it. coasting through life from ages 14-19 until they go find dys after the bomb has gone off and he’s dating. someone else? which makes them freak out bc THEYRE the hero. so instead of being normal about this they become a gardener in a desperate attempt not to be left behind

It’s Bad!

4) solanaceae (he/him cisguy, colonial hero, neutral ending) x / x

this is the one ive been referring to in private as “fascist manwhore sol” and honestly. yeah. just as overconfident as the last but extremely charming about it. the kind of guy you kinda wanna hit but also can’t help but like? somehow manages to be close w/most everyone in the colony despite their various opinions. really really hates the gardeners + even sym, for some reason w/in himself that he can’t explain. 

in Love with dys for most of their lives but cant ever make it work, fwb with rex, dates vace despite having matching tattoos with his ex-gf. hes just that kind of guy. dies young and a hero, less than a year after dys disappears into the ridges. dont think abt it too hard.

5) solane (she/her nb, neutral end, roboticist on accident somehow but a social skills job wouldve fit much better)

if third sol Thinks theyre god this sol like. actually Is. extremely clear dreams, used to talk abt them pretty much always until her first trip to medbay, at which point she stopped ever letting adults know. kind of existentially exhausted as a result. using this life literally just as a coffeeshop au lol. poly but also probably aromantic; open rship w/rex, who they love a lot but no more so than literally any of their other friends. pretty happy with stuff! 

until they go to see dys off when he “vanishes” from the colony and they accidentally let it drop they couldve like. ended the whole war. he’s. displeased. they still make an effort to enjoy the rest of their life but when they die theyre thinking abt how they should try to be a better person next time. and also hoping they remember less.

6) solanaceae (genderfluid but generally refers to self as a lesbian, peace end, botanist) x

cheerful heroine! desperately wants to be normal and tries so so hard to ignore her dreams, which works kind of, right up until they very purposefully ignores the one abt tammy and tammy dies immediately after :) at which point they completely switches gears and uses their dreams to try and save Everyone they can. bffs with nem since childhood & into her pretty much Always. everyone’s friend! dies content and at peace.

interestingly, bc this is the route where i got paradox ending on a save, probably the sol closest to the wormhole + everything about it, despite not actually remembering much from his dreams. it manifests in other ways. lol.

7) solane (she/her cisgirl, neutral end, roboticist)

coward who can only be brave when it’s for the sake of the people she loves, most notably tammy who she actually dislikes until she saves her life, at which point she realizes maybe she Can be a hero too. better with robots than people, spent most of her childhood following cal around bc he was one of hte only ppl to make time for her. falls madly in love w/tammy; their family is her biggest joy. a good parent.

8) solanaceae (he/him agender, neutral end, doctor)

feral intense child who becomes a terrifying eagle-eyed doctor. max perception by age eleven, somehow. STRONG sense of justice. strongest belief is “if you ignore someone you couldve saved, you’re garbage.” not quite high enough friendship w/nem to convince her to leave vace as teens; helps her later on when theyre adults. years and years later after dys “dies” they end up moving in and spend the rest of their lives together.

9) solanaceae (they/them nb, peace end, entertainer)

awkward ace kid who always speaks their mind. accidentally destroys tammy’s confidence every time they talk. gets confessed to by both marz and rex, shoots them down extremely awkwardly due to both aforementioned asexuality and the fact theyve had a crush on dys since they were thirteen. takes their promise to let him go seriously to the point that when he tries to bomb hte colony, they let him, and when he wants to be a gardener, they don’t stand in his way. is alright with this at first but slowly begins to feel lonelier and lonelier about it as time passes, and when they die and realize they won’t actually be with him again they feel. Very Bad. pass on wishing they’d not let him go but resenting him for asking to.

10) solane (she/her cisgirl, neutral end, xeno wrangler)

ive been calling this one “cuckoo bird sol” for a reason. desperately wants someone to be devoted to Her and Her Alone who Won’t Leave, and feels like. cal is good for that. doesn’t like tammy as a result, which means that when she has a nightmare abt tammy dying she doesn't even care, it’s not like its REAL. yeah. It’s Bad! she feels guilty abt it and then feels bad bc she’s also happy bc cal spends more time with her but also she does sure feel like shes competing against a dead girl huh! so! that’s fun!

eventually she does work her shit out and realize she does like cal himself and does want kids on her own terms but like. the process of getting there! one fucked up kid. dies more content than she realized she could be, glad for her family.

11) solanaceae (she/her nb leaning, peace end, parent) x

rowdy. her heart is 80% love and 20% pure unadulterated rage. unaugmented, which she personally doesnt care abt, but she sure does get pissed off at ppl trying to be soooo nice to her abt it! too busy w/sfc stuff during wet and as such completely misses her chance to talk dys out of the bomb. when she finds him on the ridges afterwards they yell at each other abt being in love w/each other for forever and she manages to drag him back home.

in some ways this would be my “golden run” (full friendship with everyone) (jesus christ) but despite that her actual bffs besides dys are tammy and (unfortunately) vace. in another world i would retcon this to ot3 but in this one she kissed sym and then he died in front of her and despite herself she kind of cant stop flinching away from him now if he tries to make a move. they do hinge poly instead it works. has a boatload of kids and never augments any of them. dies exhausted and delighted and in love w/the world. 

12) solane (he/him cisguy, peace ending, parent oops)

delusion run! sol who cant stop talking abt his delusions even when he knows he should. pursues dys in the “we were In Love before so we will be again!” way not the “i like you!” way until he gets. y’know. lobotomized. in some ways not focusing on his dreams is good for him but also he loses a lot of his personality? focus? afterwards

teases tammy relentlessly but ends up falling for her but bc for some reason this run glitched and tammy’s pregnancy just. kept going. she never had the kid? so i didnt date her even tho he wouldve lol. tbh most of th ending for this one is what id consider noncanon for him but ill retcon it later when i have more Vibes in place

13) solanaceae (they/he, peace ending, astronaut) this is a dead dove run (mentions of abuse)

unlucky number thirteen :) sol coming out of a delusion run with the creeping sense that they should not trust Anyone with their secrets. a little disconnected from the ppl around them tho they get on well enough w/dys and tang. madly in love with the wormhole. desperate to get off the planet and back into space so they can see it, a sentiment no one shares until, y’know. vace.

in Love (lol) with him after his 50. first time theyve ever met anyone they think Gets them so they enable him. fucking crushed when he starts dating nem. when he offers to cheat they take him up on it, which means he learns nothing and they lose one of their childhood friends :) eventually they go into space together just like they wanted! it’s bad! die in the wormhole and i think thats the first time they ever truly, from the bottom of their heart, regret everything. never want to fall in love again.

14) sol (no pronouns whenever possible but sort of ok w/they, peace ending, farmer) warning for abuse mentions in this one as well

sometimes you get so badly abused in one life your next life it still affects you! kind of an odd child, gets along better w/congruence than the other kids but thinks of cal is like a brother. doing ok until helios lands and then it’s like. h

avoids vace like the plague, despises/is afraid of him but doesn’t realize why until after sol starts understanding dreams more. when he dies i think sol wants to be like Good Riddance but. cant fully. approaches rex bc sol want to know What’s Up With The Whole Rex+Vace Deal, end up falling pretty hard. dating sym also, the three of them living together is an Experience i think. dies full of Love.

15) solana (he/him tguy, peace end, athlete)

rambunctious! cheerful! kind of dumb! falls in love w/cal from a young age and is convinced they’re gonna grow up and get married and is subsequently crushed when cal starts dating tammy instead esp bc. cal sort of. lead them on a bit w/it. slowly falls in love w/dys in the aftermath.

a bit immature. plays sportsball even in the middle of war, tension with both cal And nem as a result despite still being their bffs. he and nem are on opposite sportsball teams for the rest of their lives and yet go out for drinks after constantly. she’s his sister, basically! dies pretty happy w/how things turned out

16) solanaceae (she/they, neutral end, merchant)

greedy greedy greedy. wants money and love and attention, time and people and things, everyhting you can think of she wants it. she marz and tang are the Terrible WLW Trio of Girls Who Might Be Dating. bit of a soft spot for dys she can’t quite rationalize, will be kind to him when she’s not to anyone else. fond of rex as well.

she and marz flirt by flirting with tang, aka the person she Actually likes. pretty happy when they finally hook up, but isn’t devastated by the breakup as much as she is.... left hollow. another mistake on top of everyhting else (capitalism, dys vanishing, girl shes liked forever dumping her, also theres maybe a fleet from earth coming but haha dw abt it) she tells rex abt the fleet maybe a year? before it shows up. dies wishing desperately she had been able to be kinder.

17) solana (he/him tguy, peace end, professor) x

sugary sweet! childhood friends with tammy, they’re v similar people. loves her a lot, cannot wait to be best man at her wedding to cal LOL. despite his gentle demeanor he is also absolutely the kind of guy to do Whatever It Takes for the ppl he loves (ie poisons uncle tonin to keep him alive LOL)

thinks nomi is like, the coolest person in the universe when they meet bc they can MAKE things. so so stupid about them. when they start dating its embarrassing for everyone but they are so happy together no one can actually say anything. dies happy but wishing he was more confident in himself/brave

aaaaaaaaanyways that’s the current list. for Now. there may be more coming. i have offshoots of some of these as well that may or may not pop up wwww generally for fic that isn’t set with a specific sol i tend towards an nb sol closest to personality+dreams to my sixth sol? cheerful and trying to help but also Just A Kid about it!

[sixstepsaway]

Parents being shitty about pets seems to be a common trend, Im sorry you have to deal with all of this! Your dad agreeing to dogsit when he's not going to be doing any of the work and he knows he's got ducks at home is??? A new level of dad bullshit??? What's wrong with him. Pets are so much work when you actually care about their wellbeing instead of thinking of them as living toys that move around your house that you just need to feed, and yet. That last one is the vibe of anyone over 40 with kids I've met in my life and I'm like "aah this explains so much about how you parent too now that I think about it".

6 ducks sounds like hell on earth during mating season honestly, specially if they're pets and not farm animals. I love birds but they're all in for doing horrible things to each other by human standars lol

For my birthday six years ago my parents got me an amazon parrot without consulting me first and Im still like : / this was shitty of them absolutely no thought put into consequences. Like I love this bird! I like keeping birds! I had a lovebird at the time that sadly died a year later bc of an egg she couldn't lay, I dont remember what that's called in english. The amazon parrot hated her (they're pretty aggro to other birds) so I spent that year trying to find a balance between taking care of both of them, it was Hell. He's sweet enough to the other people in the household (it took. So much work to pull this off. Why would they buy a bird then not respect that he's not a dog and cant be socialized like one) and he tolerates me doing nearly whatever to him bc Im his favorite but other pets? People who don't live with us? He wants them Away From Him and if they ignore his warnings he also wants them Dead by his own beak

Parrots are so fucking high maintenance (in time effort and money) that while there's only one of him, I'm still essentially trapped at home until I save up enough to buy a house myself, and only if I keep doing work from home (which I can do, Im in tech), bc they need either your full attention or multiple people handling them to make up for not having 20 birds, and you cannot have one of these in an apartment lol he's loud as hell. Tbf this does line up with what I vaguely wanted out of life 6 years ago, like buying a house in the country and becoming an old hermit witch, and I get along with my parents so living at home isn't that bad but. Would have liked it to be a choice you know? That I could have chosen to try living on my own before I hit 40 and commiting to a house if I wanted to? I wanted to have cats and now this is fully off the table forever

Also there's like one vet that knows birds in this entire city so the idea of the parrot getting sick is so anxiety inducing. And his life expectancy is about 60 years so either he outlives me or I get him killed by mistake which are both bad options for how his life ends. It's like they heard me say I dont want kids and then they got me a very sharp feathery forever toddler that loves any idea that leads directly to his death, like trying to chew wiring or fight the dog bc the kibble is obviously for him. Like I love him but it feels like my entire life revolves around meeting his needs and he's never going to stop depending on me

okay, trying this again with an extension that can recover lost text this time :) since my tab refreshed mid-reply last time.

oh it doesnt do tumblr. nice. okay, whatever. i'll just save this as a draft every 5 minutes. manual autosave, what a conundrum.

putting this under a read more since i assume it will get lengthy again and this will make it more avoidable

Parents being shitty about pets seems to be a common trend, Im sorry you have to deal with all of this! Your dad agreeing to dogsit when he's not going to be doing any of the work and he knows he's got ducks at home is??? A new level of dad bullshit??? What's wrong with him.

the short answer is 66 years of undiagnosed ADHD. the long answer is: so fucking much.

a few things he's done to me over the years, truncated as much as possible to avoid trauma dumping:

shouted at me that i was "being obnoxious" during a fight, left, then came back 40 minutes later and banned me from my chat room (my only social contact at that point in my life) for a week for calling him obnoxious (✨ i did not ✨)

convinced me to watch firefly with him at 11-ish years old and then used my agreeing to watch seven episodes to make me watch tv with him every single night for the next god knows how many years, including, but not limited to, all the star treks (except enterprise, he got bored), buffy, angel, the x files (which at the time i hated because i couldnt work out what they were saying and it was too dark to see), the wire, and babylon 5 (which I loved)

decided then that saturdays were movie nights, despite me hating movies (less so these days)

flipped his entire shit when i told him i couldnt go watch tv with him one night because my best friend was suicidal and i couldnt leave her. declared if we didnt go in there and watch tv then we "never will again!" and so i said "okay" and we never did again

threatened to divorce my mom a week later over a period of a hellish four days because he said she'd 'slapped him in the face' by playing Crazy Taxi with me for 10 minutes before the time we used to watch tv (it wasnt even the time we watched tv)

stopped talking to me for 2-3 months literally last year because i couldn't help him with his headphones. he'd literally walk out of any room i was in, ignore me to the point he didnt even acknowledge when i spoke, and made my life an absolute hell of hurt feelings because holy fucking shit

assorted events of "you told me no so i am going to be angry until tomorrow and make it your problem" and "you disagreed with me so now i'm storming out because fuck you" and "something outside of you made me mad so i'm taking it out on you" which. egh. i was also trapped with my PC in the same room as his until i turned 27 and built my own damn PC up here

We also had a dog when I was... 12? 11? He was running down the middle of the street unattended and when no one claimed him as a stray we ended up keeping him for the rest of his (nicely long) life. He had so much anxiety I cannot overstate it. He was terrified of walks, of baths, of people, of not being near people, of separation, of leaving the house, of everything.

My dad tried to walk him a few times and when he wasn't instantly obedient my dad stopped trying. He drove us all out to the park once, and when the dog freaked out and wouldn't stop barking, he punished the dog (AND MY MOM AND I) by making us all go home, no matter how mom and I felt about it. He never took the dog out again.

He's completely unreliable too. The dog we're sitting is named Jess (yes, I know, but Jess isn't my birth name so they don't know how fucking funny it is that I have to go "Jess!" to call a dog to me, or how funny it is to listen to them speak to said dog) and last time she stayed (last September) she spent most of her time up here with me. When my dad would start yelling at his PC, she'd just come up here and sit near me (I am quiet and peaceful and I don't rant and rave very often, if at all). She ended up sleeping the nights on my bed, which was lovely, and he knew this.

I woke up midday the one day to hear, "What do you think you're doing? Get down those stairs! How dare you! How dare you! Get down those stairs!" and him charging off to rant at my mom that Jess had come upstairs (??) and wouldn't listen when he gave her directly contradictory orders.

Absolutely toxic. He used to do things like this to our dog too.

On top of that, he's utterly irresponsible. All the ducks were out and about on the floor the other morning and he decided he wanted to recharge his car battery, so he opened the front door and left it open, which left my mom and I to herd the ducks home quickly so they wouldn't run outside.

It made me shake with rage, I am not kidding.

[saves this, lmao]

When he stopped talking to me for literal months, he made my mom so ill with his behavior and eventually she just snapped and refused to tolerate it. Told him straight up she wasn't participating in his childish behavior and has actually been much better since this because she doesn't put up with his shit nearly as much.

I'm also not putting up with his shit as much, because, well, I've already experienced Worst Case Scenario... what do I have to lose?

We're getting along better now because of it, I think. He knows that not even not talking to me will make me cowtow and apologize for something I didn't need to apologize for.

(maybe this is why I'm so defensive of Izzy as well? Ed's response to him was not proportional and nor was my dad's to me! Even if I'd gone, "oh my god dad fuck off i'm not helping you with your fucking headphone issue jesus" (which I did not, by the way, I said two things: "I can't because my bluetooth won't work properly on my headphones [which you want to borrow] and I can only hook it up to my phone rn because of it" and "I really do not want you to send my headphones back as I am fine with what I have and I put stickers on my headphones, so I don't want to lose those") being cut off for 2+ months was not proportional punishment and was utterly ridiculous and overblown and it makes me go "the fuck?" when people say izzy deserved his overblown punishment)

When he finally started talking to me again he didn't apologize or anything btw. He'd received an email from Psych UK about his ADHD screening and needed a form filled in by a friend or family member and needed me to do it. He told mom about it and was all upsetti because I wasn't ~involved~ anymore (I'm the one that told him he has ADHD, I'm the one that pushed for the diagnosis for both of us etc, I spearheaded and supported him through the whole thing) and I told mom I'd do the form, just give me the link I needed, and I did. It was important. And also I am a sucker.

He came upstairs, thanked me for doing the form and acted as though he hadn't been ignoring my very existence for multiple months. He never apologized, he just snapped back to normal like that was acceptable behavior!!

[saves again and glares at tumblr]

Pets are so much work when you actually care about their wellbeing instead of thinking of them as living toys that move around your house that you just need to feed, and yet. That last one is the vibe of anyone over 40 with kids I've met in my life and I'm like "aah this explains so much about how you parent too now that I think about it".

Before this, I used to refer to myself as his dopamine dispenser. He'd want to play me music or show me clips or whatever because it made him Happy or whatever. He's learned after this not to take my attention for granted: I don't have to give it to him. What's he gonna do? Stop talking to me again? Fuck off then. His damn loss.

We're getting along a lot better these days, actually, so there's that, and mom is still in "fuck you" mode lmao. But he's still awful and irresponsible and does things like agreeing for us to dogsit when we have six ducks, one of which is highly traumatized from the older duck's behavior and lashes out and hurts the other ducks as a stress response.

Six ducks is so lovely when it isn't mating season yeah. Lapis (a drake but we thought she was a hen so here we are) spends all her time trying to mount and stuff the other ducks and they keep getting hurt and now we have to keep them separated until she calms her tits, which is fine except guess who doesn't always separate them? Dad. He just lets it happen because he thinks we're causing her distress by not letting her run roughshod over all the other ducks. His basic thought process seems to be "Lapis is a boy and thusly should be allowed to fuck anything desired, regardless of hurting them, injuring them, traumatizing them or drowning them" which she nearly did to Shadow the one day and he would not separate them.

I love birds but they're all in for doing horrible things to each other by human standars lol

the sheer amount of ducky gang bangs i have now been witness to cannot be overstated.

For my birthday six years ago my parents got me an amazon parrot without consulting me first and Im still like : / this was shitty of them absolutely no thought put into consequences.

Pets should never be surprise presents. Never. It's irresponsible to thrust a little life into someone's arms like, "Surprise! A gift!"

Lovebirds are so cute, I'm so sorry for your loss. In English we call what you described 'egg binding', and it gives me a lot of stress and anxiety in regards to our own birds. I worry about them a lot.

I just (having already replied to this once lol) realized they got you the parrot while you already had a pet bird? What the hell? That's awful decision making!!! Having a new pet should always, always be the owner's choice to make, not something thrust on them, especially when they already have a pet!

I didn't know parrots were so high maintenance, or that they were so grumpy towards other people. I'm sorry you're stuck because of him. I know how it feels to feel stuck despite loving the little creature that's sticking you; it sucks. It really sucks.

Would have liked it to be a choice you know? That I could have chosen to try living on my own before I hit 40 and commiting to a house if I wanted to? I wanted to have cats and now this is fully off the table forever

Yeah, I get that entirely. I've been wanting to get out of this house for literally years, but my health has been so poor I've been unable to get a job (my resume is...not great), let alone hold one down if I managed. Now I'm doing better, I don't feel great about leaving the ducklings, and I definitely can't leave the clingy older duck I've convinced to trust and love me.

Also there's like one vet that knows birds in this entire city so the idea of the parrot getting sick is so anxiety inducing.

god yeah. We've had some horrible experiences with vets for our ducks in the past, because normal vets don't have a fucking clue how to treat birds and don't tend to say that! I ended up looking up specifically avian vets (and found a parrot website listing avian vets) and I found a really highly rated avian vet 20 minutes from me. I've never felt so relieved in my life.

And his life expectancy is about 60 years so either he outlives me or I get him killed by mistake which are both bad options for how his life ends.

Yep. I don't have the extent of 60 years, but my ducks will hopefully live 10 years or so, unless we get them killed somehow. I don't want the latter, but if I continue to feel I can't leave them? That means another decade in this house, living in this shoebox bedroom I've long since outgrown.

It's like they heard me say I dont want kids and then they got me a very sharp feathery forever toddler that loves any idea that leads directly to his death, like trying to chew wiring or fight the dog bc the kibble is obviously for him. Like I love him but it feels like my entire life revolves around meeting his needs and he's never going to stop depending on me

I am so sorry they did that to you. I really, truly am. I hope you find a way one day to strike some kind of balance so you don't have to revolve your entire life around him, but even if you can't, I hope you manage to be fulfilled and happy either way :(

It really, really sucks when you love what equates to basically being an anchor.

[lovingcuddlebunnie]

I have something I feel like I was meant to share with everyone, and I'm aware that not everyone thinks this way and if it can help save your life than it's beyond worth it..

I really need you to pay close attention to all that I am about to say, it's important;

When you become suicidal and feel the need to self harm or when you become dissociative and are prone to self harm and suicidal thoughts.

I really want you to imagine the person who means the world to you, It can be a family member, a friend, your significant other or everyone one of them. Basically someone who has never gave up on you and still has your back to this day, or doesn't. I want you to close your eyes and bring back the memories of all the times they made you laugh and smile and everything was amazing. I want you to keep this thought in your head for a minute.

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Keep those memories close to your heart okay.

Now I want you to imagine that you have just taken your life from those people you care so deeply about. Think about how and who this is going to affect and write it down in the order from those who would possibly take their lives to, down till you get to those you think would mourn you but instead of taking their life, they start something within your community in remembrance of you and how you took your life on the darkened day.

Who would grieve your death? & Which of those would you end up killing as a result? Can you take the thought of the pain you will cause to the ones you love the most?? Keep this in mind okay..

This is what I have to imagine just to survive okay..

The people I love the absolute most is my husband Anthony, my parents, my older sister, my little sister, my baby sister, and my baby brother.

When I imagine my death, I know the chain reaction it will cause almost immediately. My husband would be right behind me, and I know at first he would just try to numb the pain anyway that he possibly could to hold on as long as he can for our child untill a day soon after and he just can't anymore. I know the ways he could take his life, shooting up but leaving enough air in the syringe to cause a air bubble that will stop his heart, or he would hold a gun to his head or in his mouth just to end up shooting himself, or simply going for a long drive, thinking and wondering how it got to hear to a point he can't take it anymore and runs his car of the side of a mountain. My older sister, who has done nothing but be there for me from day one and always has my back would be the second to go. My mom having lost her first two daughters, would definitely blame herself completely even though it's not her fault, she would never be able to handle living a life where she outlives her children and she would rather die, so she takes and shoots herself with a gun. My father having lost his wife and two of his daughters would take and follow the same footsteps as my mom..

My little sister Baylie, only came home a few years ago, having lost her favorite sister, her Irish twin, and her older sister and mother she barely just got back, would try and hang on for her kids, but the pain is too great and she slits her wrists and legs and bleeds out, her husband finds her on the bathroom floor and eventually he follows suit as well.. Her two kids because of me end up in foster care and never get to see their mommy and daddy again..

My baby sister, who has officially lost everyone who means the world to her causes her to blame herself, causes her to feel lonely, she no longer has anyone to have her back, she cant take the pain anymore so she starts to cut, and spends a year in and out of the mental hospital till she cant do it anymore, she doesn't want to be alone and live like this so she takes her life as well...

My baby brother, who is only two years old, ends up in the system as well. But unlike me, he never gets to go home because I am the reason our mother and father don't exist anymore.

How selfish can I be to do all that to the ones I love so much. All that pain and suffering for why? Because I couldn't take it anymore??

This pain is more than enough to overwhelm the pain you feel inside and it helps because you start to realize just how important they are too you and you are to them.. This pain should be able to completely conquer your suicidal thoughts or actions and make you think twice, saving your life and theirs.

Guys I really hope you start to realize that suicide doesn't end the pain, infact it causes a ripple affect amongst family and friends and you just cause more damage than you meant too. This is the suicidal ripple affect, and it will never end with just you..

I hope you know just how important you are and I hope you can see it and feel it because it's the truth. I want you to know I love you and I care. Do you're hardest to stay strong, don't dim your light, make it shine, because without you the world would be a much worse place because of it..

**PLEASE SHARE THIS POST YOU NEVER KNOW WHO IT WILL HELP**

Yours Truly,

IssaBear Romero.

[vivipuppy]

continued ask-

Brorre, the Dark Elf anarchist Druid who can converse with the plants and animals world unlike anyone else- but has never left a city in their life. Questions about what happens to a person when they will outlive the animals they can talk to, that they can have a TRUE bond with?

6) Who in the party do they relate to the most? I mean... the happy go lucky city boy charlie of course! They even both play music! Sure, idealogically theyre very very far from eachother. But thats not because charlie is purposefully undercutting things that brorre has spent their life understanding about the world around them- but because he’s so new at it. He doesnt understand the nuances that brorre has so much life experience understanding.

15) do they trust their party? why or why not?

Oh yeah! The only one they dont trust, actually, is like. Titus? But thats because of the curse that kills his friends. But they can handle titus, and put him down if need be. It was.... a very rocky start with Pori. But i think theyve gotten a grudging... not respect, but understanding of eachother. They get why they think the other way. But they also know pori isnt dumb enough to get herself killed.

21) do they follow their head, their heart, or their body?

do you. Sho you play in the same group as brorre. You know the answer to this question. Its heart! Their heart is so full of love!! Thats where the anger comes from. The really hot, harsh anger of the people who get hurt by people who dont need to hurt them. They’re so stupid that im afraid of getting killed because i wasted wild shapes when i should have saved them.

27) how do they mourn? Ive thought a lot about this.... about how brorre handles being an elf who can live for up to 500 years and yet can have a conversation with a rat who will die in 3, if its lucky. And i think when it comes to death, theyve stopped mourning. Its no longer something that hurts. Now, its become anger. When people are hurt, when they see titus struggling with his curse, when they see Charlie struggle with understanding that there are people in the world who are cruel to simply be cruel... it angers them. Thats the fire. Its why I prepare flame blade and gave them produce flame. Its why they threw a tantrum in the underdark. Anger is the core to Brorre. And not a bad anger, necessarily. Its a good one, anger from love. But its anger.

33) What makes them cry? I..... dont... think brorre cries anymore, at all.

39) Are their hands calloused or soft, or something else entirely? I think theyre very soft. Lots of magic and turning into other things, of talking to help solve issues. Violence ideally comes rarely, and if it does, magic solves it.

45) How do they hug people? TIIIIIIGHTLY. Gets the dirty druid smell on you. Dont think theyve GOT a strong hug, but they try.

54) What was their education like? Lots of talk about mining, caves, and funnily enough, about how certain governemnts (hesitate to call the underdark they were in a specific governmental system) work. They were born only to mine, to become a miner and expand the cities walls. In order to be ALLOWED to concieve a kid, their parents had to figure out what job they would have. So, ever since birth, that was the only thing they were taught. But in mining, you see, theres a foreman who barks orders to the rest of the workers who actually do the thing. And brorre didnt like that, and brorre began to see similarities to the world they grew up in. The rest you already know

57) what makes them angry? any injustice to their friends and loved ones. Go back to 27.

63) What fight has scared them the most? Strahd.Ive said it in character before, but to brorre, they often feel like prey to larger animals... but to strahd, who’s destroyed the future of the dark elves in barovia? They’re not even prey to him. And that scares them. For the first time in their life of being a pest, this is the first time theyve felt like a true INSECT.

69 nice) How would they describe their party members? In our sessions, already did! Pori is the Smart one, Brorre themselves is the pretty one, Bec is the funny one, Charlie is the happy one, and Titus is the hot one!

In seriousness, Pori is smart. Too smart. Sees the end of the problem and cares not at all about the method to solve it, or to understand the use of the 1 and the 2 that make up 3. Only cares that 3 is the answer..

Bec is smart, and funny, and needs to cheer up! People like her! She just doesnt feel comfortable with being liked, which like, brorre doesnt get? but brorre accepts. Lets her do her own thing, and bring her in when they feel she hasnt been able to say her own peice

Charlie... look back to the first question! Titus! Hot boy, sure, but inreality brorre has lots of thoughts on titus. Thoughts they dont really address, cause it makes them sad, and being sad makes them angry, but they cant direct that anger at anything. But titus is cursed to hurt his friends, to one day be envealoped and kill anybody nearby... and that hurts brorre, because thats all titus thinks he is. But brorre thinks hes very, truely kind. You dont become a monster hunter if you dont care about helping people. And its nice to help him slowly realise hes a person. To tell him that colors can be favorited, that he’s allowed to love things. Theres a lot brorre has to say about lifeline stuff... but we havnt had in game conversations about that. Which stucks. Cause its very integral to both our characters, the length of their life. But when it does, brorre wants to talk about how permanence doesnt exist, and temporary is ok.