#HEIDI WHY WOULD YOU SEND THAT YO ME

[minhosimthings]

I’M FEELING MENTAL AFTER SEEING THIS. MY SKZ BIAS WITH MY FAV BOLLY NUMBER EVERRRRR

Istg everytime I think I'm getting over Chan MF COMES BACK

[twilightfansofcolor]

Not A Good Look (Edward Cullen x black OC)

not requested

Naomi and Edward. Edward and Naomi. You couldn’t say one name without thinking of the other, it was impossible to separate the two of them. Naomi Mitchell and Edward Cullen were the most popular couple at Forks High School, and the best looking couple as well. They were goals, but they were extremely lowkey, never really flaunting their relationship except for a few kisses here and there.

Naomi thought they had a good thing going until Isabella Swan came to Forks. She didn’t think much of the chief’s daughter except for the fact that she looked skittish whenever a boy tried to talk to her, but Naomi was on the school’s welcoming committee, so she had the task of showing Isabella, or Bella as she liked to be called, around school and letting Bella sit with her friends. When Naomi left for Seattle with her mom to visit her sick dad, Edward had absolutely despised Bella, but when she came back, he was always talking to her, and everyone was talking about it. It was all her friends were talking about in the group chat. Girl, you really need to talk to Edward, because new girl beginning to be a problem. i’m surprised Jessica and them didn’t fill her in, her friend Larissa typed.

All this talk about Bella Swan was overshadowing her good news she received in Seattle. Naomi had been scouted by one of the biggest model agencies in the world, known for representing the biggest models in the fashion industry like her namesake Naomi Campbell, Tyra Banks, Alessandra Ambrosio, Iman, and Heidi Klum. Naomi typed back, ain’t shit happening between her and Edward, he can’t stand her. now can you, meghan and brie stfu so I can tell yall what happened in seattle? Three dots popped up just as Naomi began to type. homegirl goin around sayin Edward saved her from tyler’s van.

Naomi heard all about the accident from Rosalie who was practically screeching over the phone to her with rage. okay yall i get it, now stfu so i can tell yall what happened in seattle. so me and my momma were in starbucks waiting for our order and this woman came up to us and asked if i ever thought about pursuing a career in modeling and I said, “uh kind of” then she gave me her card and said to call if I was ever serious about it. Right away the group chat was blowing up with reaction pictures and gifs. It happened over a week ago and her mom was still telling people what happened; Ms. Mitchell told anyone who listened: the checkout lady at the grocery store, the woman in Port Angeles who does their hair, even her own clients. In fact, she could hear her mom downstairs doing a client’s makeup and telling the whole story. 

so are you gonna do it? Meghan asked. It seemed like a good idea, but Naomi didn’t think she could go through with it; she loved Edward and she didn’t want to leave him. A message popped up from Brie: bitch, from your lack of response i’m gonna assume that you’re too busy rn practicing your walk for nyfw cuz I know damn well you ain’t giving this shit up because of Edward, and if you are imma beat yo ass. Still Naomi didn’t reply because she knew her friend was right, and knew that Brie would keep her promise. If her mom knew that she wouldn’t take it because of a boy, she’d beat her ass too.

Every time Naomi would watch a rerun of Friends or The Hills, she’d always tell herself that she would not be like Lauren Conrad or Rachel Green who turned down Paris because of an ain’t shit man, and here she is, contemplating doing just that. i’m gonna get ready for bed. i’ll see yall on Monday. When Naomi got out her mom’s car on a gray Monday morning, everyone was staring at her, but not for the normal reason. She always rode with the Cullens, and as she made her way to one of the picnic tables, the whisperings started. “If I was Bella Swan I’d start running.” “Edward Cullen is a dead man.”

Naomi took out her math book and notebook and looked over her homework, anything to avoid the stares of her classmates. “Naomi looked pissed as hell. I would be too if my boyfriend started hanging around another girl the second I left town,” she heard a girl in her history class whisper to her friend. She tried to fight back tears and it took everything in her to not call her mom and tell her to turn around. Instead, she just texted Edward saying they need to talk. As soon as she pressed send, his car pulled into the parking lot and she shoved her books in her bag, relieved that she wouldn’t be waiting too long. Naomi felt like she got punched in the face when she saw Bella Swan getting out of the passenger side of her boyfriend’s car.

What the fuck? Now all eyes were on the three of them, Bella looking like a deer caught in the headlights as she saw Naomi coming to them, Naomi, who looked like she was about to beat Bella’s ass, and Edward who tried to put himself between the two girls; Naomi’s right hand began clenching as she marched over. “Edward can I talk to you? Now?” It began to get darker and a crack of thunder sounded, followed by rain. She didn’t care that her freshly braided her was getting wet and didn’t bother with the hood of her jacket.

“Why haven’t you answered my calls? Rosalie said you were out of town. What’s going on with you?” They were under a stairwell near the boiler room, where students hardly ever go. “I didn't think this was a conversation meant for a phone call or FaceTime.” Naomi’s heart dropped to her stomach, and she could feel the tears again. “W-what conversation? You’re not breaking up with me are you?”

“I’m sorry Naomi, but Bella and I.. we... like each other.” “Are you fucking kidding me?! You hated her the second she got here and now you like her?! I was gone for a week. And you don’t even check on me to ask how my dad is doing. You know, the one you met on two occasions and played chess with? They’re thinking about taking him off life support if you’re wondering!” Edward knew that Naomi wasn’t that close to her dad since he left her and her mother for another woman years ago and he immediately felt bad that he hadn’t thought of the girl at all. He tried fighting his attraction to Bella by being mean to her, leaving the state, but it hadn’t worked.

Edward couldn’t hide it anymore, and he knew he had to break Naomi’s heart. “Naomi, I’m so sorry, really. If there’s anything my family can do--” She held up to hand to stop him. “No you’re not, if you were you would’ve answered my calls. If you wanna be with Bella, fine. Do whatever you want, I don’t care anymore.” The bell rung and Naomi ran out the back exit of the school. She didn’t care that she would be missing school, didn’t care that her clothes and backpack with her homework were getting soaked in the downpour. 

Naomi just wanted to get home and back into her warm bed and watch movies all day. She cried the whole ten minute walk home, even as she got into the hot shower and didn’t stop until she got back in the bed. She knew her mom would get a phone call about her attendance and didn't care about the trouble. Naomi just snuggled under the covers and fell asleep in her dark room, hoping it would be a bad dream.

[cravingcrazewriting]

youwillbefound.org

Trigger Warning- Mentions of suicide attempt and suicidal thoughts.

youwillbefound.com is a safe haven for any troubled teens/young adults who are looking for someone to find them. This site intends on being a place to reach out to others and to find them as you wold want yourself. Harassment is strictly prohibited. If we find you are abusing this site to target and harass people who are suicidal then you will be banned firstly for a week, secondly for a month, and thirdly will be a permanent ban and removal of your account. We hope you find whatever you're looking for on youwillbefound.com and we wish you the best of luck! Have a fantastic day!

What was Evan doing?

It wasn't like him to get a social media. It wasn't like him to rely so much on people, but yet he did, for no reason whatsoever. He did meet someone who he could trust, and needed help as much as he did. It was nice. He only had a few other friends who friended him out of pity.

He was currently on his laptop, writing his therapy letter, when he heard his phone go off.

HighandAllMighty: hey dude, wuts up?

Evan made a smile. High, that's what Evan nicknamed him due to privacy issues, was one of his closest friends, he'd even call him a best friend. High suffered from Anxiety and Bipolar, and had a very hard time making friends due to all of his outbursts. On the internet, he was able to calm himself down and not act rashly, but sometimes would assume the worst and snap at Evan a few times, but when that did happen, he'd awake to multiple apologizes from High.

High admitted to smoking openly, from cigarettes to weed, mainly because the way it calmed him down and less likely to snap at people. Evan didn't really mind this, since High's parents didn't get him any medication to him. If it helped, then that was that.

AnAnxiousTeen: Nothing much, just sitting in bed. I might write my therapy letter soon. What about you?

HighandAllMighty: sweet. Honestly I'm just dazing in and out atm. Me and my family just ate and my dad is trying to start shit again. HighandAllMighty: so the usual bs

AnAnxiousTeen: I'm so sorry.. I wish I could help you.

HighandAllMighty: Nah, don't be. U should probably start your letter.

AnAnxiousTeen: Well you know I hate writing them so I'd rather not heh

HighandAllMighty: hey, can I ask u something kinda important?

AnAnxiousTeen: Sure! Ask away!

HighandAllMighty: can we FaceTime? HighandAllMighty: I know u might not want to bc of ur anxiety HighandAllMighty: it was just something I wanted to try, if you wanted to at least

AnAnxiousTeen: I'm.. not sure.. I need time to think this over. AnAnxiousTeen: My mom is still home, so I can't right now.

HighandAllMighty: I understand. It's ok

Evan was trying not to freak out.

He was scared. He was scared he'd disappoint High. Incredibly scared of the mental image he imaged him looking like and being a huge let down and not being able to say anything and make things ten times worse than what they are and-

"Honey! I'm heading out! There's a twenty on the counter! Please get something to eat while I'm gone! Love you, bye!" Heidi called from downstairs, pulling Evan out of his thoughts. A moment later a door closing could be heard.

Evan sighed and ran his fingers through his messy blonde hair. There was another complication; he had completely fallen for High, one hundred percent in love.

HighandAllMighty: ah man, I'm rlly srry. My dad is gonna take my phone. HighandAllMighty: we'll talk later, k?

AnAnxiousTeen: I understand. I'll see you when you get back!

HighandAllMighty: in one week. Bye bud

Evan laid down on his bed. A whole week?! This obviously wasn't the first time it happened, but would that stop him from missing him? No. Definitely not. It'd be a lonely week without him.

This would be a long week

~~~ It was only Tuesday.

High had his phone taken on Saturday, so they were completely out of touch for tree days straight so far, and Evan was miserable and lonely.

Evan was sitting in his room, unenthusiastically working on homework. He was sinking into a depressive state. He'd never admit to it, but there was something wrong, that he just wasn't happy. He let out a sigh, setting his pencil down and grabbing his phone. The only notifications he had was some posts from people he liked, and a text from Jared.

Jared K: U have math done?

Evan H: -Evan H has sent a picture-

Jared K: thanks

Well, that made Evan feel even more like shit. It made him feel like Jared would only miss him for his car insurance if he suddenly disappeared. Hell, his mom would have it easier if he was gone. And High.. he was just a burden to him. Fuck it, he needed to vent.

AnAnxiousTeen has posted a status update: I'm always being told that things will get better, that I'll find someway to deal with my social anxiety, but nothing is seeming to be working. No one would notice if I suddenly left, if this account was suddenly shut down, maybe except for @HighandAllMighty but if I'm being honest, I'd be doing him a favor. I wish that things were different. I wish that anything I said mattered to anyone. Because let's face it. Would anyone here notice if I disappeared tomorrow?

After posting his update, he got a handful of responses, that mainly said stuff among the lines of "I'd notice! Please don't do anything rash!". It didn't feel real to Evan. He knew how this stuff worked. After a week of his death, people would forget him. All he could think of was how thankful his anxiety held him back from another attempt.

AnAnxiousTeen has posted a status update: If a tree falls in a forest, and no one is around to hear it, does it ever make a sound?

There was a lot of debate about this one. No one saw the hidden subtext, that he fell-no, let go of the branch that was holding him and was now restrained to a cast. It made his stomach do a cartwheel at the thought.

AnAnxiousTeen has posted a status update: Sorry for all the depressing stuff tonight. I'm going offline to hit the hay early.

Well, that wasn't a total lie. He had homework to do first, then he'd probably lay in bed till sleep took him away.

And that's exactly what he did.

~~~ HighandAllMighty: why didn't you tell me how you were feeling?

High was back, early, and Evan was downright terrified.

Unlike before, he used almost perfect spelling and grammar, something he'd only do in serious situations. Evan hated confrontation, so so much.

AnAnxiousTeen: I'm sorry.. I didn't want to be a burden...

HighandAllMighty: you could never burden me with your problems. HighandAllMighty: we have to look out for each other, otherwise we'll loose us both. HighandAllMighty: I want to video chat with you. I want to see /you/. Let me help you. Please

Evan didn't really think when he answered. He didn't consider what his anxiety was telling him. He just had to make it up to High, especially with what he just put him through.

AnAnxiousTeen: Of course, just give me a few minutes to set up.

HighandAllMighty: thank you. I mean it

Evan let out a puff of air and set his phone down. His mom was home but sleeping, so he'd have to be quiet and not talk to loud, which wasn't a problem because he's.. him. He grabbed a set of dark blue headphones (he preferred them because they felt more comfortable on his ear) and plugged them into his phone. He made sure they worked okay and sent High a message.

AnAnxiousTeen: I'm ready. Can you send the request?

-HighandAllMighty has sent you a Face Time Request!-

-x Accept x or x Decline x-

Evan hesitantly hit the accept key and sat down on his bed, tidying up his shirt and hair while it loaded. Things'll be fine. They'll be perfectly okay. Just stay completely calm, don't fuck anything up, and your guys' friendship will be saved.

A minute later, the Face Time had finished loading, and on Evan's screen he was greeted to a pale skinned boy with long brown hair that went down to his shoulders, his eyes were blue but they had this brown glint to them that really made them stand out and made them so much more mesmerizing. He was wearing a simple black hoodie and the rest of his outfit Evan couldn't see.

The room Evan assumed was High's was messy, to say the least. Evan never understood how people could find what they needed in a mess. That's why he kept everything organized and clean, so if he needed to find anything, he could right away. It was an anxiety thing he couldn't get over. Evan also noticed the contrast of dark colors in High's room, that was mainly dark purple and black for the most part. Evan knew High enjoyed dark colors rather than light ones it made sense to why his room was painted that way.

Holy fuck was he hot or what?

"Um, hi! C-can you hear me o-okay?" Evan asked nervously, adjusting his headphones ever so slightly. He could hear some shuffling around so he took that as a good sign.

"Yeah, you're good. What about me on your end?" High asked, leaning back.

"Yo-you're good too," Evan nodded, confirming that he could hear him quite well. "Why did you w-want to call?"

"Well one, I wanted to see what you looked like, and two, I need to ask you a few other things, and this is the best way to see if you're lying or not," he simply said, shrugging his shoulders.

"O-okay, ask a-away," Evan smiled, shuffling slightly on his bed to get comfortable, waiting for whatever High was about to ask.

High inhaled, staying silent for a moment, before asking, "..Are you suicidal?"

Evan immediately tensed up. He hadn't put much thought into being depressed or suicidal, although he had those thoughts a lot he couldn't possibly be.. right? "I.. I don't know, a-actually... It could be a p-possibility, I do get suicidal thoughts and... a lot of self h-hate..."

High nodded slowly, picking at what appeared to be black nail polish. "Well, have you ever... attempted?"

Evan bit his lip, and he turned his gaze to his cast, although it wasn't planned, it still counted as one. He simply nodded his head. "It's.. s-scary..."

High let out a sigh. "I know the feeling all too well.. Just, wanting it all to end, but yet your anxiety is telling you not to, and you get so afraid.. I dunno, it's a reminder that you're still human I guess, attempting or not.."

"Honestly, it's m-my anxiety holding me b-back from trying a-again.. I'm scared I-I'll fail again.." Evan chuckled meekly, picking at his cast's plaster.

"Well, I'm glad," High smiled at him. "You don't know how much better you've made my life. I.. probably would've attempted again if I didn't know you.."

"Same with m-me. I'm.. so, so a-alone at school, I don't have any f-friends, and I was-well, still kinda- miserable. But, when we started t-talking, I didn't feel as alone a-anymore.." Evan admitted, blushing lightly.

"I wish I could meet you," High admitted. "I can tell no one's signed your cast still, and I really wanna fucking sign it. I.. I want to be by your side... Helping you order food, keeping you company, hell, I even know a few places down here you'd fucking adore and I know it.."

Evan smiled like a complete dork at these things. "That's s-so sweet.. You probably w-wouldn't like to meet me though.. I-I'd be so awkward.."

"Hey, don't put yourself down like that. I prefer awkward over cocky assholes any day," High said. "And like, not to mention you're a fucking amazing guy. Any girl would- fuck how do I phrase this?- well, she'd be pretty lucky to be with a guy like you," High told him, a noticeable blush appearing on his cheeks.

Evan blushed probably more than what he should've, but he couldn't help it. No one except his mom had said this type of stuff to him. "Honestly, t-thank you.."

"Okay, secondly, I need to tell you something really important. I hope it won't weird you out or anything but here it goes.. I really, really like you- and I don't mean that in the friendly way, I mean like- fuck this is harder to explain than I thought. Look.. I'm, head over heels in love with you, man.." High finished.

Evan was in pure shock. He had his hand on his mouth and felt like he could've cried. All that his mind could register was he liked him back. Holy fuck, he never thought he'd see the day his feelings would be returned. He could process words, he moved his hand away from his mouth, revealing a huge smile he was wearing and said hand anxiously ran through his hair.

"Holy f-fuck.. I.. I didn't think you'd l-like me back, so I never said anything.. Oh my god, t-this is incredible!" Evan admitted, watching the brunette's shocked expression turn into a smile.

"Holy shit, you actually like me?" High asked, and Evan nodded to him, he'd proudly admit to it, because now he had nothing else to loose.

"Does this mean we're like.. a thing or..?" High trailed off, and Evan laughed, saying, "Maybe! I t-think We should try."

High smiled at him, "I'd love to date you.. even if it's long distance.."

"Can I a-ask you something?" Evan smiled sheepishly, tugging lightly at his shirt while High responded with a "You can ask me anything you want to."

"What-what's your a-actual name?" Evan asked slowly, as stated earlier, they both kept their names a secret for privacy, but Evan was too curious to contain himself from keeping the question residing in his mind.

"It's Connor. What about you?" High- no, Connor returned his question, gazing at him with a loving gaze.

"I l-like to go by Evan.." Evan hoped that would satisfy him, because who'd want to date a guy with a name like Mark? No one, that's for sure.

"It suits you," Connor stated. "A wonderful name for a wonderful boy."

Evan flushed at his comment. "Well er- it's n-not as beautiful as 'Connor'. It, it fits you, so so well.."

"Are you calling me beautiful?" Connor teased him, and Evan just laughed.

The two ended up chatting for an entire two hours, enjoying whatever they could get out of each other's presence. They were both hopelessly in love, despite distance keeping them apart, they hoped they would one day meet in person.

That would be more than enough for them both.

A/N-I fucking love this AU so much?? I loved writing every second of it,and going over 2000 words better prove it.

Anyways I'm opening up requests! I don't have a lot of ideas so please request so I can keep updating this book! Thanks a ton!

[likelovelikesuicide]

3.06 Follow Up - Pure Souls, Pure Sins

My Immediate Reaction to 3.06 can be found HERE

The Malec argument is hard to watch for so many reasons, but I get both sides and I swear on Valentine’s ghost I’m 3 seconds away from locking them both in a room and forcing them to speak to each other about WHAT each if them are actually talking about, because they are not on the same page here and it’s frustrating as hell... #onlyhappyMalec #20gayteen

Anyway, with bits and pieces of information and a dragon demon drawing from Clary, Magnus connects A to B with F and U with only like 7 minutes of screentime… this is why they don’t use him more often. If Magnus were in charge, this shit would have been handled back in ep1 #justsaying (Shout Out to Bro Zac for being so damn EPIC) 

So Maia was out of town yesterday last episode and she’s the most understanding girlfriend in the world about the Heidi situation… something tells me that won’t be the case for the Kyle/Jordan issue. #poorgirl #epicjackets #WALKWALKFASHIONBABY... sorry for what’s next, yo...

I call bullshit on Clary thinking that Jace was “being weird” in their one scene at the institute because it looked no different - he hugged her, he held her hand, he walked away with her… he just refused to talk to her and from that small interaction she insists that NOW he’s acting weird… not all the hallucination dreams or being brought back from the dead ???? #butgooffIguess

So Owl!Boy Jace can see people aura’s or whatever and he has to find the most virtuous mundanes  for Lilith … and what do you know - Ollie? CHECK. - Charlie? CHECK - but how will he choose? O right he’ll just wait till one is alone… ish. #thatwentwell 

If you don’t ship Maryse and Luke you are wrong. #blushingteensflirtingintheir40s

Underhill is surprised to see Alec Lightwood a little wasted and before his boss can overshare, the dude gets him a sober cab and sends his drunk ass home - while providing an escape and the solid advice Alec was seeking...  #respect #seeyouroundunderdude 

While I love my drunk gay son, Alec honey your boyfriend is, as you say, an 800 year old warlock (fact check with Magnus please) - Magnus is “too different” from literally everyone else ever!!! Come on now, what was he supposed to say to that question? What is he supposed to say now? - Are you both different? Very much so… Do you both love each other anyway? Yes. So there was nothing else to think about… don’t turn good memories into bad ones just because you’re scared… And Magnus, honey, your bedside manner could do with a few upgrades. I mean, Alec isn’t focused on the box here. He’s worried about what it represents because he doesn’t want to ever leave you…. Ugh. Just talk to each other dammit. #imsotired

Okay so Luke shoots Owl!Jace - forcing him to unglamour … Mundie!Morgan pepper sprayed Owl!Jace and he ran off in much the same way…. So my guess is Owl!Jace is immune to injury but he still feels pain… Pain that Jace can’t process because he’s lost control of his mind… Gee I wonder if this has anything to do with being brought back from the dead??? #justsaying #willClaryfinallytellAlec #please

So going into episode 7, I have a lot of questions but only one I will leave you with today... How damn gorgeous is Maryse Lightwood? I mean. WOW 

[merry-the-cookie]

LARRY! if you already got him then give me Jared

i got jared several times so here i go with larry lool tHANK U OLIVER

these are gonna be sloppy cus im on mobile

What I love about them: how very deeply flawed he isit makes him such an interesting character to me, they are all so human but larry is probably the most human one of them in my eyes. i see him go through so many stages in two hours, its amazing. (also i associate him to both my parents. when i saw the show with my dad, he started crying when larry did. he hugged me tight after the show ended.)as for like, a character trait? the dad humor is good




What I hate about them: i dont think i hate anything if not how fucking emotional he makes me feel gkfjsksh i do resent him for the ways he failed connor as a father.


Favorite Moment/Quote: the ywbf moment my dude….fuck me up thats literally my favorite moment of the show in all regards tbh. fav quote has to be “he has his own toothbrush, we re not sending him to bed with /cavities/” idk why i find it so fucking funny


What I would like to see more focus on: dude please let him mend his relationship with his son i am begging you i am crawling on the floor. not even fix, just take a step in the right direction, an epilogue where connor mentions hes made amends w his dad and though it can be a little awkward theyre on good terms, idk man, i will take scraps at this point (but really i wont cus larry has become a factor in if i will read a fic or not.)ok ideal scenario, connor and larry having a moment of understanding. just that? makes me day


What I would like to see less focus on: if we could stop making him the literal spaw of hell here to torture connor id be very grateful tbh


Favorite pairing with: dude idk hes married? larry x happiness and acceptance? larry x less hate? larry x good characterization


Favorite friendship: yo idk…maybe larry and heidi could be pals eventually. i havent really thought of it. scratch friendship i just want him to have a better relationship w his family.


NOTP: ((((:


Favorite headcanon: dude i have so many. one that sticks out rn? connor having grown up listening to his dads music, old rock and sinatra, and then not listening to em anymore, and after canon divergent events (connor lives) larry sings to connor while hes not awake in the hospital. then puts sinatra while he works and leaves the door of his office open a crack. he overhears connor humming or playing the music they would listen to on roadtrips when he was younger.

kind of elaborate i know (thank u flor for contributing when we came up w it) but it means a lot to me

Thank u!!

[cananybodysea]

yo my dude hook me up with some really freaking fluffy kissing evan hcs. please. love you my dude you're fantastic

only if u give me a smorch in return,, love u too

so evan is like,,, rlly soft,, and nervous and he’s a little bean so please be gentle with him.

in school, when he’s having a really gross bad day he likes to sit in the library with u (only if it’s like practically empty) and he loves to just smooch u. nice soft smooches. bc they calm him down. he like texts u throughout the day like ’after class, can we….👄’ and ur like ofc

when he has panic attacks,, he doesn’t like to be touched too much cause it makes him feel…weird. he just doesn’t like it. but if u ask him (ask him first or it’ll make him uncomfortable) then he will let u smooch his cheeks. and he likes when he’s crying and he has his eyes closed and u just. kiss his eyelids rlly softly. he likes that it makes him calm.

he likes to hold ur hand while kissing u. it gives him something to do so he doesn’t feel so awkward and he’s also like,,, hey i need to touch u to know that this is real and i’m not dreamin.

sometimes when ur kissing he pulls away and just holds ur face in his hands and rubs circles under ur eyes and just brushes his lips rlly softly against urs and his nose bumps with urs and he does that a lot bc,,, idk,,, he just does it because he likes it.

he kisses ur nose. all the time. ask him why. he doesn’t know either. he just likes to do it.

he’s too scared to ask u to kiss his neck - so he kinda just tilts his head to the side hoping you’ll get the hint. when you do it he giggles and does the nose crinkle™ and he bites his lip to hold back his laughter cause it just feels so so nice.

he would pay a million dollars for u to kiss his forehead

if this makes anyone uncomfortable then don’t read it but he likes to sit in ur lap. like,,, he’s such a soft boyo who needs some lovin and sometimes when he feels confident enough he just stops what he’s doing and kinda,,, slides onto ur lap and gives u a little smooch. hnnnnnng he loves that.

he whines if u pull away too early. and ur like,, evan no is ok. and if he doesn’t want u to stop kissing him he kinda just grabs ur cheeks and pulls u into a big squishy messy kiss

mumbles. against ur lips. all the time. like you’ll be smorching and suddenly he’ll smile against ur lips and he murmurs something like ‘there was a butterfly in my room yesterday’ and u pull away and ur like ?? ok and he’s like. ‘it reminded me of u. was pretty’ and ur like,,, omigodyouguys

every time u pull away from a good kiss he’s like,,, bright pink. poor bean. his lips are swollen and and his cheeks are bright bright red and his hair is all messy because u run ur hands through it (he loves that don’t worry) and he’s just,,, happy and breathing heavily and his eyes are shut tight and he’s got a lil smile on his face and he’s… content.

heidi has a picture on her phone (was her lock screen for a while) of u smooshin evans cheeks and planting a big kiss on his cheek and he’s blushing and doing the nose crinkle and heidi LOves That photo. she loves it. so so much.

when he has his cast on, he loves when u give his fingers lil teeny tiny kisses,,, he’s swooning.

if he ever gives hickeys,, they’re very gentle. and they don’t last long because they’re really nice and light and soft because he doesn’t rlly know how to do it properly and he doesn’t want to hurt u by biting u. he always would never do them in a super obvious place like ur neck. he sometimes leaves them lower down ur neck or on ur shoulder. soft boy.

after u kiss him, he can feel ur lips lingering there and he lifts his hand to the place u kissed him and just sets it there like,,, ohmgyod ive just been kissed by an angel,,,

final one i promise: when ur busy like out shopping with zoe or smth,, he sends u pics of him on snapchat (they’re rlly funny and cute) of him puckering his lips or of him pouting and he always captions them (👄) and ur like ohshsjwhsisbahsh. he does that cause he wants to kiss u. n it’s the cutest thing ever.

[stillalicebyheart]

Maybe Send Me An Angel?

Prologue || Masterlist || AO3 || Next

A/N: Holy cow this took a while to write!! So this is the prologue (also known as a rewrite of the entire first 20 minutes of the musical bc it’s p much the same) to my new Dear Evan Hansen fic, based on @a-ghostly-state ‘s guardian angel au!! (Check out their art, it’s amazing!!) If you’d like to be tagged in updates of this please let me know and I will! Word Count: 5.2k words Warnings: talk of suicide, anxiety, panic attacks. (If I need to add anything else please let me know!)

Dear Evan Hansen, Today is going to be an amazing day, and here’s why: |

Evan stared at the blinking cursor on his computer screen, wondering how he should follow the practiced intro. Why would it be a good day? It was the first day of his senior year, so there’s something. But how would it go? Would he end up making a fool of himself just like every other year? He started typing again, non-stop for a few moments before reading it back to himself.

Because today, all you have to do is just be yourself. But also confident, that’s important. And interesting, or approachable. Mostly yourself though, that’s the big one. Be true to yourself. And don’t worry about whether your hands are going to get sweaty for no reason; you can’t make it stop no matter what you do because they’re not going to get sweaty so don’t even think about it because all you have to do is be yourself. There’s no way it’s going to be like that time you had the perfect chance to introduce yourself to Zoe Murphy after the jazz band concert last year, when you waited to talk to her and tell her how good she was and pretend to be super casual but then you didn’t even end up saying anything because you thought your hands were sweaty (they weren’t, until you started thinking about it) so you put them under the hand dryer in the bathroom and they were still sweaty, just very warm now too.

He read back the words in his mind, lip captured between his teeth while he changed things, tried to make it sound better. He had to read this to his therapist later, and there was no way he could tell her about his weirdly sweaty hands!

Just as he was getting ready to start typing again, his mother walked into his room with a twenty in her hand. He instantly shut his laptop – a force of habit – and turned to his mother.

“So you just decided not to eat last night.”

“…I wasn’t hungry.”

“You’re a senior in high school, Evan, you need to be able to order dinner when I’m not here. It’s even all online now, you don’t have to talk to anyone.” 

“See, that’s not true because you have to talk to the delivery guy and stand there silently while he counts out the change and it’s—“

“This is what you’re supposed to be working on, honey! With Dr. Sherman, talking to other people.” Heidi gave him a half smile as she laid his jacket on the bed next to him. 

“I’m trying.”

“No, I know! I know! And that’s why I made you an appointment with her for this afternoon.”

“I already have an appointment for next week.”

“Well, I thought you could benefit from seeing her sooner. I’ll pick you up after school.” She moved around the room, idly tidying as she went. After a beat of silence from her son, she spoke again. “Hey, have you been writing those letters? ‘Dear Evan Hansen, today’s going to be a great day and here’s why,’ you been doing those?”

“Yeah, I started writing one.” He hesitated. “I’ll finish writing it at school.”

“Those letters are gonna help you build your confidence, you know, seize the day!”

Evan made an uncommitted sound of agreement in response.

Heidi moved back towards the door, pausing in the frame. “I don’t want another year of you sitting at your computer on a Friday night telling me you have no friends.”

“Neither do I.” Evan responded, watching her retreating form.

“Oh!” She popped her head back in, grin forming. “Hurry up and come down for breakfast, I made pancakes!”

He looked at her with an exasperated look. “I’ll be there in a minute.” His words sounded tired, like he hadn’t slept much the night before (a true statement, but not one he wanted his mother to fuss over) and eventually pulled open his computer again. He highlighted all the words on the screen and replaced them with a single thought.

Dear whoever might care,

It’s me again. I’d really like a friend. One who doesn’t just use me for car insurance. Maybe… Maybe an angel? But only a nice one, one that’ll help me through this… mess that I’ve become.

Or, you know, a friend works just as well? We don’t even have to be close, just someone that can talk to me like I’m human instead of a loser.

Either way, thanks.

And with that, he shoved his laptop into his bag and bound down the stairs, backpack strap hanging on his arm just before the end of his cast.

Across town, in the higher end neighborhood (or as Connor Murphy liked to call it, the rich white asshole part of town), the Murphys were having another heated debate on Connor’s attendance.

Or well, it would be, if Larry gave a fuck about Connor and Zoe didn’t sabotage everything in his life. It was more his mother talking to a brick wall and getting grunts in response.

“It’s the first day of senior year, Connor, you’re not missing school.”

He looked over his shoulder at her from his bowl of cereal, a smirk on his face. “No one’s saying I won’t go tomorrow – I’m trying to find a compromise here!”

With a sigh, Cynthia looked to her husband. “Are you going to say anything or are you too wrapped up in your emails?”

“You’re not missing school, Connor.” Larry replied, eyes still glued to his phone.

“That’s all you’re going to say?”

“What do you want me to say, he doesn’t listen to me. Besides, look at him, he’s probably high.”

“He’s definitely high.” Zoe quipped, glaring across at the table to the one in question.

Connor rolled his eyes, letting out a loud ‘Fuck you!’ before laying his head on the table, to which Zoe repeated right back.

“Enough! I do not need you picking at your brother right now. Besides, he’s not high.”

With raised eyebrows, Connor slowly looked up, his eyes meeting Zoe’s as a grin split across his face. After another moment, his mother spoke again.

“Are you high?!”

He turned to her to explain, but was shut down before he could. “I do not want you going to school high, Connor! We have talked about this.”

“Perfect!” He responded, hand wrapping around his bag and making for the stairs. “Then I won’t go; thanks, Mom!”

She let him go without a fight, simply turning to her oblivious husband and daughter. After a few moments of silence, Zoe stood, stating: “If Connor’s not ready in five I’m leaving without him.”

Connor was currently laid across his bed, one hand scrolling through his phone while the other rubbed at the wrist holding it. He knew he had to go to school – not all day, but enough to please his mother at the very least. And if he hurried he could ride with Zoe and skip the whole ‘it’s gonna be a great year, Connor, you’ll be in college before you know it!’ lecture that wasn’t really a lecture but might as well have been with how it made him feel. There was no way he was going to college; he was lucky to have made it to senior year – both physically and mentally.

Hell, he’d be lucky to make it to the end of senior year at this point.

With a heavy sigh, he forced himself up and out his doorless frame, bag slung over his shoulder as he bound down the stairs. He quickly swiped an apple from the table before pressing a quick kiss to his mother’s cheek and running out the door to catch Zoe before she left.

“Have a good day!” She shouted; not that either of her heard. She could see Connor with his headphones on and head against the window with Zoe in full driving mode. Another heavy breath escaped as she shut the door, ready for another long day alone.

“How’s it feel to be the first person in history to break his arm jerking off?” Evan heard from behind him, turning to see one of the only people he considered as a friend. Jared Kleinman, whose mother worked with Evan’s at the hospital and he’d known pretty much since diapers, and in general was just a huge dick.

“I-I wasn’t doing that— “

“Paint me the picture: you’re in your room, you’ve got Zoe Murphy’s Instagram pulled up on your weird, off-brand cell phone…”

“No, shh, that’s not what happened! Obviously. I was… Well, I was just climbing a tree and… and I fell.”

“You fell? Out of a tree? What are you, an acorn?”

“I was, well I don’t know if you know this but I worked this summer as an apprentice park ranger, um, at Ellis State Park? I’m sort of a tree… Expert now, I mean, not to brag… Anyway, I tried to climb this forty foot tall oak tree and-- “

“Then you fell.”

“Well it’s ac- it’s a funny story because there was a solid ten minutes where I just lay there on the ground and any minute now, I was saying to myself, y’know, any minute now someone’s gonna come and help.”

“And did they?”

“No, no body came and that, um… that’s the funny part.”

“Jesus Christ.” Jared was laughing again, and Evan felt himself flare up.

“What did – How was – “ In an attempt to steer the conversation away from himself, Evan stumbled over his words and took a breath to calm down as his fiddled with the hem of his shirt. He ended up mumbling, “You have a good summer?”

While Jared went on about his amazing summer camp, Evan kept his eyes down almost afraid to look up and see the other students streaming in around them; what did they see when they saw him? Could they tell that he was, in his mind, curled into a ball screaming for help and a quiet room but physically just a wound-up toy held in place? He felt like he could explode at any moment, break down into the mess he knew he was, but at school where they’d rip him to shreds for even shedding one tear, it was impossible to have that break. When Jared turned to walk away, the pen in his pocket grew heavy. ‘Have the other kids at school sign your cast’ Mom had said in the car, but would Jared even want to?

“D-Do you, maybe want to sign my cast?”

“Why are you asking me?”

“Well I just thought, because we’re friends— “

“We’re family friends. That’s like a whole different thing and you know it.” Evan had kind of been expecting – well, more than kind of, he’d completely expected nothing less than what he got. “Hey, tell your mom to tell my mom that I was nice to you, or else my parents won’t pay for my car insurance.” He pat Evans shoulder as he moved past the taller boy, halting as he saw Connor Murphy enter the school. Jared, who, very much unlike Evan, wasn’t afraid to say what was on his mind, spoke up enough for Evan to turn around again and watch what was about to happen as the halls cleared for first class.

“Hey Connor! Loving the new hair length, very… school shooter chic.” He said with a shit-eating grin, and Evan felt his pulse shoot through the roof for Jared and the look he was receiving from Connor. If looks could kill, Jared would be more than six feet under, and Connor had a bit of a reputation for being hot-headed; Evan wasn’t really feeling having to figure out how to calm Connor and protect Jared while also not getting involved because why should he, this had nothing to do with him!

“Jeez, it’s just a joke.”

“Yeah, no, I’m laughing, can’t you tell?” Connor’s voice was steady and calm (a bad sign, if you asked Evan, but then again if you asked him everything could be a bad sign) as he eyed Kleinman. After a split second, he took a step forward and raised his tone. “Am I not laughing hard enough for you?” Jared rolled his eyes, gesturing to the black clad boy. “You’re such a freak.” He commented before turning and walking around the corner, leaving just Connor and Evan standing there. While he didn’t even think about the fact Connor was still standing there, Evan let out a slight, under-his-breath laugh at Jared’s ridiculousness – you don’t make a comment like that and then not expect the person on the receiving end to be mad. Unfortunately for him, Connor took it the wrong way.

“What the fuck are you laughing at?

“What-- “

“Stop fucking laughing at me!”

“I was – I didn’t – “

“You think I’m a freak?”

“No, no I wasn’t— “

“I’m not the freak!”

“I wasn’t laughing a— “

“You’re the fucking freak!”

And with that, Connor Murphy pushed past Evan Hansen and shoved him to the ground. And Evan Hansen sat there, on the floor, for the better part of first hour, waiting for someone to notice he wasn’t in class.

No one noticed.

“Yes, Mom. I get it you have to work.” Evan sighed as he walked into the computer lab. “Maybe… Yes, I finished it, I’m printing it right now… I was… Yeah, it was a good day. Bye.”

He hardly noticed the other people in the room, pulling out his laptop to finish the letter – as much as he didn’t want to, if he showed up to his appointment without it his therapist would get mad and then he wouldn’t be allowed back and he really, really wanted to get better so he had to get this done. Even if it was the most bullshit thing he ever wrote. His fingers hesitated over the keys before he started typing; maybe if he focused on the sound he wouldn’t end up crying.

Dear Evan Hansen,

Turns out this wasn’t an amazing day after all, um… This isn’t going to be an amazing week or an amazing year because… why would it be? I know, I know, because there’s Zoe, and all my hope is pinned on Zoe who I don’t even know and who doesn’t know me. But maybe, maybe, I could just talk to her then maybe… maybe nothing would be different at all.

I wish everything was different. I wish I was a part of… something? I wish that anything I said… mattered. To anyone. I mean, face it, would anyone even notice if I just… disappeared tomorrow?

Sincerely, Your best and most dearest friend, Me.

Instead of reading it back, Evan just hit the print button. It wasn’t like what he wrote would matter anyways, Dr. Sherman would see it a ‘progress’ either way right? His words didn’t mean anything, the action is what counts. Really, he should have been by the printer already (who prints something and then leaves it sitting instead of picking it up they’ll think maybe I’m an idiot which isn’t too far off but still) but unfortunately, he found himself lost in thought only to be interrupted by Connor Murphy.

Oblivious as Evan was, you would think he’d notice the only other person in the lab was the same person who pushed him in the hall earlier in the day, but when you’re on the phone and on a mission, it was hard to take in surroundings. To Connor, though, it was just another moment in life; he was always unseen, and if seen just referred to as ‘the freak’ or ‘crazy’ or ‘hothead’. And honestly, being unseen was better than the other options. He was only there to kill time anyways. (Or at least, that’s what he told himself; really, he was looking for statistic rates of successful suicides with different methods.) He’d only picked up Evan’s letter because he was printing a page of his own. So when he looked at the paper and saw ‘Dear Evan Hansen’ at the top, he had no choice but to talk to the kid.

And honestly, he should have probably at least heard Evan out. He did try to explain before Connor blew up and shoved him, but Connor’s temper was always as short of a fuse as any with a lit flame just millimeters away from the end. It wasn’t his fault Hansen laughed at him but he wasn’t going to take it. He’d heard the kid was nice enough so… Maybe Connor could make an effort to become friends with someone. Maybe someone would miss him after he was gone.

A hopeless and useless thought, honestly, but worth a shot in his eyes.

He turned and walked over to Evan with a slight hesitation, trying not to scare the kid. “So,” He started, and of course he still managed to spook him. “what happened… to your arm?” This was foreign for Connor, trying to be nice, so his words were unsure and slow-paced, as if considering each one carefully.

“O-oh, um… I, uh, fell out of a tree actually?” It wasn’t a question, but Evan phrased it like one – it was hard to think right when the guy who caused your latest panic attack was trying to play nice.

“You fell out of a tree.”

“…Yeah.”

“Well that is just the saddest fucking thing I’ve ever heard.” Liar. Your life is the saddest thing.

Evan tried to laugh with Connor, but it ended up coming out scared and half-hearted. “I-I know.”

Okay, this was going somewhat well right? He couldn’t let it die out so fast. “Uh… Nobody’s, um… signed your cast.” And he was back to the calculated words.

“Oh. No, I know.”

“Well, I’ll sign it.” Connor had no hesitation. This was how you made friends, right? Being nice? Signing a cast?

“Oh, y-you don’t have to.” There’s no way Connor Murphy wants to sign my cast.

“Do you, ah… have a sharpie?” Connor took another hesitant step forward; if Evan didn’t want him to sign it, he’d have to say it. He wasn’t backing down now, he was at least going to make an acquaintance.

Evan started digging in his pocket, walking forward. Okay, so maybe Connor Murphy wasn’t the most ideal, but at least his mom would be happy with one small signature, right? He handed the marker to Connor, who in turn grabbed Evan’s wrist just a little too roughly. “Ow.”

“Oh.” He checked Evan’s face for any sign of major discomfort, blinking once before turning back to the cast, writing his name out in large letters. 

“Oh. Great. Thanks.” Evan stated, eyes glued to the much larger than anticipated writing. 

“Yeah, well… Now we can both pretend we have friends.” Connor stated, handing his marker back. His eyes wandered off, away from the situation and how he hadn’t completely fucked it up yet. 

“Yeah, good point…” He vaguely registered Evan’s voice as he started to walk towards the printer, and his real reason for coming over came back to focus.

“Oh, hey is… Is this yours? Um, I found it on the printer it’s, uh…” He glanced at the paper even though he knew what was written there. “’Dear Evan Hansen’, that’s your name, right?”

“Oh, no no no no no, that’s, um…” Evan watched as Connor tried to hand it back, his eyes still on the paper, probably reading it. “That’s just, um, just a paper I have to write, it’s for an assignment— “ 

Evan had reached for the paper, but suddenly the arm holding the paper recoiled to Connor as he started reading aloud. “’Because there’s Zoe’?” He hesitated, not wanting to meet Evan’s eyes. “Uh, is… this about my sister?”

“No, no, not at all.” Evan reached out again to try and take the paper back because no no no this wasn’t happening his words didn’t matter Connor Murphy was not supposed to read this and now he’s going to kill me for having a crush on his sister but Connor moved it out of reach as he took a step back with his eyes glued to the floor. When he spoke again, it seemed as if he was trying to work the whole situation out loud. 

“You wrote this… Because you knew that I would find it.” 

“…What?”

“Yeah, uh… yeah, you saw that I was the only other person in the computer lab so you wrote this and you printed this out so that I would find it.” He’d started walking forward again, the lit match landing on the thread to the dynamite. 

“Um, wh-why would I— “

“So I could read some creepy shit you wrote about my sister and freak out, right?! And then you could tell everybody that I’m crazy. Right?”

“No, I-- “

“Fuck you!”

Instead of giving Evan the slightest chance to explain, Connor stormed off and out of the computer room, slamming the door in his face. 

“No, no, no, no, no come back I really need that back please give it back I need that back so can you please, can you please just give it back!” 

He’d tried to follow, but in his state with shaking hands and tear-filled eyes, it was useless. He stood silently looking through the window in the doorway, attempting to calm himself and work up the courage to follow. It wasn’t until an hour later, though, that he actually did move, and it was only to head home.

Maybe he could explain to Connor tomorrow and he could give it back? And maybe hell would freeze over in the next twenty-four hours.

“A letter to yourself? What the fuck does that even mean? Is it some kind of sex thing…?”

“No! No, it’s not a sex thing, it’s an assignment.”

“Why are you talking to me about this?”

“I didn’t know who else to talk to!” Evan looked away from the computer screen, where he could see half of Jared’s face – he didn’t want to tell Jared but who else could he go to about Connor Murphy, the scariest guy in school, stealing his letter? “You’re my only f-f—family friend.”

“Oh my god.”

“I don’t know what to do, he stole the letter from me three days ago and then he just, he hasn’t been at school since.”

“That does not bode well for you.” Jared stated, leaning back in his chair as he finally looked at Evan for the first time in the twenty-minute skype conversation. 

He was quiet, face flushed again. “What’s he gonna do with it?”

“Who knows? Connor Murphy is batshit out of his mind.” Jared rolled his eyes again, turning away long enough to grab his phone. “Remember he through a printer at Mrs. G in second grade because he didn’t get to be the line leader that day?”

“Do you think he’s gonna show the letter to— ” Zoe? “ –other people?”

A snort of laughter came from the other. “He’s gonna ruin your life with it, for sure. I mean, I would.”

Yet another example of Jared being an asshole, as if Evan didn’t see that every time they spoke. Unfortunately, he didn’t exactly have any other friends, family related or not, so there wasn’t much he could do about it other than sigh. “What do I do?”

“I don’t know! Figure out a way to make Connor not be a freak and give you your weird sex letter back?” He continued scrolling through his phone, and distantly Evan could hear Mrs. Kleinman calling for him. “I gotta go. Listen, if you think of a way to not make Murphy a freak, let me know.”

And just like that, he was alone again. Might as well get started on another letter.

The next day was nothing like Evan thought it would be. One would say it was the day his life drastically changed.

It started with being called into the principal’s office – something that was unheard of for him – and was greeted with two people he’d never seen in his life. “Oh, hello, good morning. Is, uh, is Mr. Howard… Sorry.” He was barging in on something obviously. “I’m sorry, just, um, they said on the loudspeaker for me to go to the principal’s office?”

The male, who looked like a business man, stood up and approached him. “Mr. Howard stepped out.”

“Oh…” Evan took a step back, preparing to go back outside and wait to meet with him.

“We wanted to speak with you privately.” He motioned to the empty chair in front of them. “If you’d like to take a seat?”

Hesitantly, Evan slid into the seat while avoiding the other’s gaze. The air made him worry something was wrong – he’d never seen these people before, had no idea who they were, but they wanted to talk to him in the principal’s office without the principal?

“We’re, uh… We’re Connor’s parents.”

Shit. He started to panic mentally. He showed them the letter and now he’s being kicked out of school because he had a creepy fascination with their daughter and they were filing for a restraining order and—

“Oh.”

--they were going to take him to court over this stupid, stupid letter and he’d never get into college because his record will show he has a restraining order against him. Not like he was getting into any big colleges anyways, but even the smallest bit of hope shriveled up and died sitting in that chair.

The silence was eating away at him as his focus was on a single book spine on the shelf as his mind raced. 

“Who don’t you go ahead and…”

The woman—Connor’s mom – spoke for the first time, and Evan slowly turned his head. “I’m going as fast as I can.”

“That’s not what I said, is it?”

The silence filled the room again as she unfolded a paper.

“This is, uh… Connor… wanted you to have this?”

Looking at the first line, Evan knew it was his letter. The text was like reading an embarrassing story online, and he wanted to melt right out of his chair. He tried to speak, but no words came.

“We never heard your name before.” The father spoke instead, sitting next to his wife. He finally took a moment to take in both of their faces – weary and tired, the mom with tear tracks on her face and the dad with a stern look. “Connor never mentioned you. And then we saw… Dear Evan Hansen--”

“He, uh.” Evan cleared his throat. “He gave this to you?”

“We didn’t know you two were friends.”

Wait. Friends?

“F-friends?”

“We didn’t think Connor had any friends. And then we see this… This letter. And it seems to suggest pretty clearly that you and Connor were, or at least for Connor, that he thought of you as…” 

They thought Connor wrote this? To him? And that they were friends? Why would Connor Murphy want to be friends with him? And what was with all the past tense words and where the hell was Connor in all of this?

“I mean, it’s right there, Dear Evan Hansen, it’s addressed to you, he wrote it to you.” His voice was harsher and angrier the longer Evan sat there with nothing to say. 

“You think this, um, you think that Connor… wrote this to me.”

“These were the words he wanted to share with you.” Mrs. Murphy spoke again, quiet and almost as if she would cry again any second. 

“His last words.”

“This is what he wanted you to have.”

“I-I… I’m sorry,” Evan’s mind was reeling at a rate no less than ninety miles an hour. “What do you mean, ‘last words’?”

The pair shared a pained look before Mr. Murphy turned back to Evan while Mrs. Murphy tried to not cry.

“Connor, uh…” There was no easy way to say it apparently, as he took a moment to find his words. “Connor took his own life.”

“He what?!”

“And this was all he had with him, it was folded up in his pocket. And you could see that he was… He was trying to explain it, why he was…”

Evan started shaking, trying to figure out why, how, what, why, when, how, why, why, why? Connor didn’t write this so that means he didn’t write a suicide note and maybe his isn’t actually gone, maybe he just ran off or something. Yeah, they didn’t know if he was actually gone… Except they found his letter in his pocket meaning they had his body…

“’I wish everything was different, I wish… I were a part of something, I wish what I said mattered--’ ”

“Larry, please.” Mrs. Murphy let out a sob, turning to her husband. “Stop it.”

“Okay.” Was the simple response she received, and Evan couldn’t bring himself to look at them both.

“But, this is, this is not, I’m, I’m sorry, I’m sorry but Connor, uh, no, Connor didn’t write this.”

“What does that mean?”

“Uh, Connor didn’t – he didn’t – write this.”

“Larry, what does he mean?”

“He’s obviously in shock.”

Evan’s hands were still shaking, his entire body feeling like it was shutting down.  “No, no, no, I mean, he -- he didn’t, he didn— “

Mrs. Murphy stood up, looking at him desperately. “It’s right here!”

“-- I’m sorry I should, I should just, I need to go can I please go now?”

He was trying hard to not have a panic attack right there in the room with them, standing and throwing his bag over his shoulder as he and Mrs. Murphy both tried to talk over the other. The letter was gripped tightly in his casted hand as he tried to make his way to the door with unsteady legs, and luckily Mr. Murphy interviened. 

“Honey, this is not the time.”

“This is all we have!” She sobbed, her words continuing as she tried to push him away.

“Listen to me! Please, Cynthia!”

“Here, you should uh,” Evan leaned forward, past Larry, to hand the paper back to Mrs. Murphy. “you should take this, please, just take it, please.”

It was quiet again, save for her sniffling and crying, until she froze with eyes glued on Evan’s cast.

“Larry… Look, his cast…”

Mr. Murphy turned and looked at his cast at the same time Evan looked down at it and the big signature Connor had written there just days before. 

“His ‘best and most dearest friend.’”

After that fiasco and locking himself in a stall in the bathroom for two hours texting with Jared (which resulted in, surprise, no help what so ever) and scrolling through Facebook to try and calm down only to be met with memorial posts in Connor’s honor, he finally said screw it and sent a text to his mom telling him he couldn’t do school today and made his way home. That’s where things got even crazier.

Because sitting on his couch, was Connor Murphy.