#HE NAMED THE BOOK MONKEY AND WAS DONE WITH IT HE USED OBJECT NAMES AS THE CHARACTER NAMES I WANT THAT MAN DEAD THRICE OVER

[lautakwah]

theres sth deeply sad abt a lot of translated works (and i dont mean some ya novel translated frm english to french. obviously.) in the imperial core being shortened/abridged bc the translator deemed those parts unimportant or straight up didnt have the cultural/historical/religious knowledge to understand WHY theyre important... not to mention how they tend to be biased in their translating to pigeonhole sfuff into western frameworks of thought like 😭

[ancestorsofjudah]

12 Kings 19: 9-13. "The King of Cush."

Cush is the southernmost territory named in the Torah.  In concert with the common Hebrew particle כ (ke; as if, like), the name would mean As If He Were Weak.

And then there is the root ישה (yshh; meaning uncertain), which yields the noun תושה (tushiya), meaning wisdom, sound knowledge, which would yield the meaning of Cush as As If He Were Getting Smarter. Tirhakah, King of Cush means "beastly, but betting better."

As we near the end of the Second Book of Kings, Cush must surely be the case. Recall before we go on that Sennacherib, the King of Assyria, the level headed ones is the Burning Bush itself.

9 Now Sennacherib received a report that Tirhakah, the king of Cush,[a] was marching out to fight against him. So he again sent messengers to Hezekiah with this word:

10 “Say to Hezekiah king of Judah: Do not let the god you depend on deceive you when he says, ‘Jerusalem will not be given into the hands of the king of Assyria.’ 11 Surely you have heard what the kings of Assyria have done to all the countries, destroying them completely. And will you be delivered?

12 Did the gods of the nations that were destroyed by my predecessors deliver them—the gods of Gozan, Harran, Rezeph and the people of Eden who were in Tel Assar?

13 Where is the king of Hamath or the king of Arpad? Where are the kings of Lair, Sepharvaim, Hena and Ivvah?”

The King of Cush says the law givers are destroying countries. Countries or races refer to the Tribes and Clans of Israel that were falling prey to lawlessness and then to brutality without much intelligent management, called Gevurah and Chesed in between.

Without might and benevolence together, societies fall prey to weird rules like we see in heavily orthodox nations like Afghanistan, Iran, parts of Israel, and much of America that want to pop its nose into a hymnal holy book and then go cut people's nads off with a hot monkey plumber's wrench.

We don't to subsume or annihilate the skills named in the Twelve Tribes or the 70 Clans only force them work together effortlessly.

There is a contest between gods and the Disciplines named above that apparently resolves the issue. Gods in Judaism are allowed provided we use them as stair steps to the God of Israel called Ha Shem, "the All Knowing." Michael and Gabriel, for example are gods that aid us in the proper worship of the One God. We certainly would not resort to the Hindu god, Kubera, the toadlike god of greed for this. Him, we avoid. Simply put, gods must not get in the way, but if they help, then they are considered consecrated objects and are allowed. Jesus Christ, a form of the Formless is a good example. Certainly we would not consider Jesus to be a stumbling block on the way to the Altar of the Most High. As the National God, He represents Grace and the utmost in philanthropy.

Sennecharib said he destroyed a number of petty national gods in order to bring unity to the area. Translated and Numbered they are:

v. 9: The King of Cush was marching: the Value in Gematria is 9359, טגהט‎, taghat, "you will grow."

v. 10-11: Surely you have heard...the Value in Gematria is 14341, ידגדא‎, "you will fish and understand."

v. 12: The gods that were destroyed:

Gozan= racism, that runs through Habor the "team."

The verb חבר (habar) means to bind, join or team up. Nouns חבר (heber) and חברה (hebra) mean company or association. Adjective or noun חבר (haber) means united or associate. Noun חבר (habbar), meaning business associate.

Noun חברת (haberet) literally means that what is joined (curtains, one's wife). Noun מחברת (mahberet) means a thing joined or place of joining. Noun מחברה (mehabbera) describes a binder or clamp.

Nouns חבורה (habbura), חברה (habbura or habra) and חברברה (habarbura) mean stripe or mark. How these words express binding isn't immediately clear, but perhaps the most ancient symbols arose from people claiming items and locations for themselves or their tribes.

Harran= to be burnt

The noun הר (har) is the Bible's common word for mountain or hill. Intuition dictates that the root of the word for mountain probably has to do with being elevated, but that's not correct. In Hebrew thought, a mountain is not something that's high but rather a lot of something gathered. And so, a mountain became synonymous for a large but centralized group of people (Jeremiah 51:25), or even gods (Isaiah 14:13).

The obviously related verb הרה (hera) means to be or become pregnant. An association with the previous noun is obvious, although not because the stomach of a pregnant woman resembles a mountain.

The Bible depicts nations as individual women even more than as mountains; the words אמה ('umma), meaning people and אם ('em), meaning mother are closely related. A pregnant woman is to her husband what a conceiving nation is to its deity.

Rezeph= in sequence

The people of Eden who were in Tel Assar=

The verb תלל (talal) means to accumulate or repeatedly cover over, and that in a destructive sense. Noun תל (tel) describes an artificial mound of many layers of destruction and rebuilding. Such mounds would obviously be found on desirable and contended locations. Quite telling, the derived verb התל (hatal) means to mock a person. Noun התלים (hatulim) means mockery.

Verb ישר (yashar) means to be straight or level. Adjective ישר (yashar) means right or upright. Nouns ישר (yosher), ישרה (yeshara) and מישר (meshar) mean uprightness or straightness. Noun מישור (mishor) describes a level place or plain.

Verb אשר ('ashar) covers a decisive progression or a setting right, and is often applied to describe happiness and prosperity (right on!). This is not due to a curious coincidence but to the obvious correlation of righteousness and efficiency.

Righteousness in the Biblical sense describes a solid grasp of natural law, which leads to high levels of technology, social liquidity and thus peace and prosperity.

So in order, from Number 1 to Number 13, the God of Law and Order dethreads the River of Racism from the Team of Racists, a nasty, revolting this idea has become, and says "go back to the drawing board and find your way, the right way, this time."

The Value in Gematria is 9715, טז‎א‎ה, eleven. The eleventh letter of the alef-beis is the kaf.5

The design of the kaf can perhaps be described as a pipe bent in two places. The concept of bending oneself represents sub­mission to a greater force and entity—the King of all kings, A-lmighty G‑d.

v. 13:

The king of Hamath=to protect or surround

The king of Arpad= to be stripped of an old standard and protected by a new one

Adjectives ערירי ('ariri) and ערער ('ar'ar) mean stripped, childless or destitute. Noun מערה (me'ara) literally means "place of being stripped" and is the Bible's common word for cave.

The verb פדה (pada) describes a letting go of an old standard (say, phonetic spelling) and assuming a new one (standardized spelling). The new standard may appear more restrictive at a personal level but it allows a much greater precision and thus basin of exchange and thus liberty at the collective level.

This verb speaks of an individual price paid for collective freedom and is as such often translated as to ransom or redeem. In the stories of the Bible, the old standard often appears as captor or abductor or slave-driving task master.

The kings of Lair=masculine noun סך (sok), meaning thicket or lair from where a lion would lay in wait to pounce on a prey (Psalm 10:9, Jeremiah 25:38).

Sepharvaim= to enumerate

The root ספר (spr) has to do with information technology: the efficient storage, retrieval and sharing of data. Long before fiction and recreational reading was a thing, record keeping was mostly a mathematical and economic enterprise, mostly conducted by specialized priests.

The invention of the alphabet made writing easy and elevated every common man to the priestly level, and allowed everybody to study whatever they wanted. This allowed a deluge of original thought to enter collective consciousness, which in turn raised the level of human diversity, and thus complexity and thus cultural bliss.

Noun ספר (seper) denotes any kind of record, historical records, legal documents, prophetic messages, and so on.

Noun ספרה (sipra) means book or a bundled collection of records. Denominative verb ספר (sapar) means to write or produce a ספר (seper): to carefully observe, to recount, to record.

Noun ספר (sopor) or ספור (sopor) means scribe; someone who produces a ספר (seper). Noun ספר (separ) means census. Noun ספרה (sepora) means number, sum or amount. And noun מספר (mispar) means number.

Hena=The verb חנן (hanan) shows up all over the Semitic language spectrum in meanings from to grant a favor, to be gracious and to favor. In Arabic this verb means to feel sympathy or compassion.

Ivvah=overturns

Meaning Overturned, Ruined Etymology. From the verb עוה ('awa), to bend or twist. Related names • Via עוה ('awa): Ai, Avith, Avva, Avvim, Ebal, Iim, Ijon, Iye-abarim.

The Value in Gematria is 6011, ו‎אֶפֶסאא, "and Ephesus." The New World.

Here in prosaic format is the magic secret formula sauce for a successful kingdom that has a little bit of racism in it. Racism is the downfall of all great cultures and men. It must be rooted out and destroyed.

Racism leads to slavery, poverty, genocide, war, violence and creates hell on earth, which must bear a close resemblance to heaven as naturally as possible.

First comes the law, and law enforcement. Perpetrators of racism and hate are unbundled from the rest, they are exterminated to the last man. The culture will resist the purge but eventually it will recognize it is being upgraded to a new standard of life that has many benefits. Then law enforcers must wait like lions in their dens and pounce on racists and kill them the second they surface.

In tandem with killing racists and ridding the world of their scourge, the King and the Prince and the Assembly must enact normal ordinary acts of decency and kindness and use them to buffer the onslaught against the cruel and criminal.

Law enforcement on this planet leaves the vulnerable bare, and protects foul disgusting men like Donald Trump and the Republicans, scum and shit every last one of them. The Melachim says they must be overthrown and dealt with. Once this overturn is done, Ha Shem promises a new world, Ephsesus, the one we are waiting for will dawn.

[immaturityofthomasastruc]

#3: “I've done more for the entire comic book industry than anyone in 30 years!”

While he's not exactly as famous as Stan Lee or Jack Kirby, Mark Millar is a well known name in the comic book community. He's worked for both DC and Marvel, as well as some third party companies. He's written iconic stories that have taken the superhero genre and comic book medium to a darker level with stories like Civil War, Old Man Logan, and Superman: Red Son (their quality may vary, but the problems they had were buffed out when they were given film adaptations). He's also the creator of several original characters like the Secret Service and Kick-Ass. Then again, he was also behind Trouble (and a lot of other bad comics), but nobody's perfect.

Whether you like him or not, this is a man who's been writing for comic books since he was in high school, so it's safe to say, he knows a lot about the medium. But Astruc just has to be the one to say he knows more when Millar proposed the idea that all unique superpowers may have been thought of.

Yes. He really had the gall to say that his show is that groundbreaking to an experienced comic book writer.

Now, we could debate what kind of superpower or creative idea could be seen as “unique” or “original” for hours, but that's not the point I am trying to make. But I have an idea on how to rebut this argument. Astruc claims that his show has created more unique superpowers than the entire comic book industry in the past three decades? I'm going to show how the superpowers aren’t as original as he thinks they are by listing off examples from the past two decades.

Ladybug's Lucky Charm – The Tornado of Creation from Lego Ninjago: Masters of Spinjitsu (2011), the result of the Ninja combing their powers, which uses the area around it to create a new object or weapon to take down whatever threat they face (like turning random debris or rubble to create a giant slingshot. Yes, that really happened).

Cat Noir's Cataclysm – Kitazaki/Dragon Orphnoch Kamen Rider 555 (2003) has the power to turn anything he touches into ash.

Rena Rouge's Mirage – Neopolitan and Emerald's Semblances from RWBY (First used in 2014 and 2015 respectively). Neopolitan can use her Semblance to create illusions that shatter like glass when touched, while Emerald can induce hallucinations for a single person at a time.

Carapace's Shelter – Steven Universe (2013) can use his shield or bubble to defend himself and others against enemies.

Queen Bee's Venom – Ty Lee from Avatar: The Last Airbender (2006) uses chi-blocking attacks to paralyze her opponents, as well as prevent them from using their bending powers.

Viperion's Second Chance – Tracer from Overwatch (2016) can use her Recall to briefly jump back in time, reloading her weapons and healing any injuries she has.

Pegasus' Voyage – Cisco Ramon/Vibe from The Flash (first used in 2016, though the comic version first appeared in 2011) can create small portals called “breaches” to travel through.

Ryuko's Wind, Water and Lightning Dragon – Laxus and Juvia from Fairy Tail (both first showed their powers around 2010 in the anime) can transform into electricity and water respectively.

Bunnyx's Burrow – Professor Paradox from Ben 10: Alien Force (2008) has the ability to travel through time and create portals to other dimensions.

King Monkey's Uproar – Cicada, a villain from The Flash TV series (first appeared in 2018, with powers that differ from his comic book debut in 2001) has a dagger with the power to nullify the powers of other Metahumans.

Multimouse's Multitude – Slapback from the Ben 10 reboot (first appeared in February 2019, eight months before the debut of Multimouse) has the power to duplicate himself, with the clones becoming smaller and more dense in the process.

Hawkmoth's Akumatization – The Sorcerer from Randy Cunningham: 9th Grade Ninja (2012) uses his “stank” to transform innocent people into monsters. In addition, he usually uses it on people who are feeling negative emotions (and unlike Hawkmoth, he has Tim Curry voicing him)

Mayura's Amokization – Daiki Kaito/Kamen Rider Diend from Kamen Rider Decade (2009) has the power to summon other Kamen Riders to fight for him.

Hell, I can keep this up with every akumatized villain too, but then this post would take forever to finish.

The point I'm making is that except for Miracolonizer's Liberation (the power to free someone from any restrictions to let them reach their full potential, only it's used by a villain to erase any morals the victim has that keep them in line instead, basically driving them crazy), basically every power seen in Miraculous Ladybug has been used before.

The problem isn't that the powers featured aren't original. What makes a certain superhero or superpower interesting is the way it is used. The Black Canary from Arrow had a sonic device that allowed her to emit her trademark sonic scream instead of it being a natural superpower. Does that mean that Marc Guggenheim invented that power?

Of course it doesn't. So why would Astruc think just because he placed an interesting spin on some preexisting superpowers, that means he “invented more unique superpowers than the entire industry”? That is an incredibly egotistical way to think for a show that's only been on the air for three seasons. And I think it's pretty clear this show isn't exactly Avatar.

But if you really want to watch something with “unique” superpowers, watch Ultimate Muscle. A character in that show has the power to literally transform into a giant shoe. Yeah.

[ninjago-happens-here]

@strangermask Elemental Team Up: Gravity (19)

Before we get down to this I would like to first say that yay I'm done with my Grade 8 Music Theory Exam so expect more posts soon.

I'd do at least 5 character designs by Sep 12.

Some context: This is a Tournament of Elements - Hunger Games AU inspired by 'The Tournament', who's author is orphaned. I'm taking direct inspiration from that and continuing to write because man that concept was so good.

In book 3, for theraputic reasons, Kai's doing a (scrap) book for all the people he knows. Juni would have been 2 pages, but I got lazy and the schedule was't kind. I'll add some objects and finish the 2 other sketches to represent her in the Lore Book on ao3 when we get to there.

But for now, I'm happy with the design. I don't like the background, might change it to something more papery with the shots being more cut out.

{Transcript /w Author Notes}

Title:

Juni Pradesh, 32 (I honestly didn't know whether to include her last name or not, because Juni may not have shared it. I also wasn't sure her age, but she's 28-32)

Element: Gravity, subset of Earth. (I've this complex elemental system drawn up, you'll learn more in the lore book)

Sketch of her breaking down for the firts time. (Juni punched Kai in the face for being a LIAR!)

Juni is an amazing fighter, even though when I first met her, she was in the kitchen mass producing rations. She's been taking care of Lloyd before she joined in the fight.

Her use of 'gravity' relies heavily on mass. Through our time working together, I figured that the more she changes the mass of an object, the faster she can do it. (And more as well, but she has to be careful not to accidentally create black holes).

(Juni is from Bengalese-Indian origins and her name means 'love')

A shot from one of our elemental propos-> (Juni represented the Gravity Canyon)

A sketch of her moves during training. I still can't believe how large her staff had gotten! (i found inspiration for Juni's weapon of choice from the original Monkey King. You can see the staff being shrunk as well, look at her ear in the 'happy' expression)

She's mute, and won't tell us why. She's been born into a Kabuki for all I know. (Chen preferred fairer women, so Juni was spared from other horrors the Kabuki had faced. However, she was still trained in traditional dancing when Chen wanted something more exotic and fun.)

Exasperated? I can't tell... (Juni is more reserved, and her facial covering isn't helping. So Kai took some pictures during his time in the resistance.)

Some pictures I took.

Her dream is to be a surgeon. (With more training, experience, and knowledge, she could resize tumours, do plastic surgery without the plastic, etc. When the rebellion is over, she might have just survived in order to do just that. )

[dancingthesambaa]

The Smell of Plum Blossom Tea Ch 3

Summary: Just like a butterfly wing, a single act of kindness can change the course of the future, it certainly did for MK as a black-furred monkey put out a hand towards him.

Rating: Teen and up

Chapter 3: Shadows of the Past

“Mhmmmmm,” Mei's eyes sparkled as she munched on the moon cake on the outdoor patio. “This is the most amazing thing I have ever eaten, I don’t even think the chefs can top this.”

“I seriously have to ask your parents what they do one day,” Macaque said as he ruffled her hair and picked up the empty plates with his hands and used his tail to set down the plate of mooncakes right beside an assortment of origami made by both Macaque and the kids. They were in the shapes of people, a vulture, monkey, jellyfish, rabbit, lion, and other varieties of animals and objects. They had a little too much fun making them all. After he put the dishes in the soap-filled sink he took off his apron and sat down next to MK, who was stuffing his face, “cause there is no way they can have normal jobs to have a chef.”

“I think they dig stuff up,” Mei shrugged her shoulders.

“Archaeologist,” he mused as he snatched up a sugar ring from MK plate, receiving an outraged ‘Hey’ from MK, “Didn’t think they were the down and dirty people, though...” The first time he met them was when Mei wanted to go visit MK at their house for his tenth birthday. Nice people, a bit cutthroat and sharp tongue, but nice people, especially when it comes to the safety of their daughter. “I have been wrong before.”

“It’s nice to hear you admit that,” a deep voice chuckled as both the kids jumped up in fright at the unexpected voice.

“Yeah yeah yeah, can it kitty cat,” Mac grumbled as he took a bite of the sugar ring, then wrinkled his nose at the sweet taste. “Can’t afford Raki to hear that.”

A figure softly leaped down from out of nowhere and by the lanterns' soft glow, they saw that the figure was dressed in an extravagant red robe that had rings of gold displayed all across, but the kids were more focused on the figure being a giant lion demon than anything else.

“I brought Eight Treasure Rice Pudding,” he tempted him as he held up the dessert in one hand and a floating lantern in the other.

“Well then you're more than welcome to join,” the monkey jokes, “Happy New Year kitty.”

“Happy New Year,” he said as he put the tray down and gave a smile as he noticed that Macaque was not alone, “and a Happy New Year to the both of you as well, I’m Ahmed.”

“MK!” The boy greeted him as his eyes went from the figure to the pudding.

“Mei the name and let me say that the pudding smells really good,” she drooled a bit.

“Well I hope it is, here,” he cut a slice for the two of them and sat down on the other side of Mac once the two began to dig in.

“Delicious!” They both said in glee.

“Bottomless pit I swear,” the monkey demon muttered.

“Your food is just that delicious,” Ahmed teased and gave a small nudge to his shoulder.

“Flattery will get you everywhere,” Mac then took notice of his mane and gave a small eye twitch, “oi when’s the last time you took care of that mane of yours?”

The lion stiffens as he avoided eye contact, “oh not too long ago.”

“How long?”

“I don’t quite remember it could have been-,”

“How. Long.”

“....a few months ago.”

“I swear-what is with you guys and not taking care of your goddamn fur,” Mac grumbled as he forced the lion head to lay down on his lap as he began to fix his fur, “only can count on Bohai to take proper care.”

“But he doesn’t even have any fur,” the demon tried to refute, only to be met with a stink eye.

“And he can still take better care than the rest of you lot.”

“Does this happen a lot?” Mei pointed out the scene and MK nodded.

“Tons, usually it’s with Daiyu since she tends to get blood in her wings, the monkeys, or even me.” He can’t remember the first time he had his hair played with, but once it began it just never stopped. “He said that monkeys tend to the other fur when they care for the other.”

“Ohhh,” then Mei's eyes widened, and had to hold back a large smile as she realized that Macaque had been messing with her hair for the past month. He may be gruff, but he is just one big softy on the inside. Though she couldn’t help but take a longer look at the pair and noticed that the lion's eyes were closed in pure content...like a cat, she couldn’t hold back a giggle.

Ahmed's ears perked up and looked towards her, Mac's eyes didn’t even move from his grooming as he was used to both children's strange outburst, and he saw the young child just eerily smile at him. He decided that it would be better if he just ignored all of that.

Almost an hour later, Mei noticed that a soft glow of light was slowly flying above the forest. “Hey what’s that?”

They all looked in the direction of her pointed finger and it was MK who reacted first.

“Someone released their lantern! Can we do it now!” He eagerly said as he watched many more lights begin to emerge from the treetops.

Mac laughed as he pushed the purring cat off his lap, who didn’t take any offense as he stretched, and grabbed the lanterns, “yeah we can.”

“Yes!” He grabbed his lantern and waited by the edge of the patio with Mei.

“Don’t forget yours as well rocky,” he handed a lantern to the surprised Mei.

She blinked, a bit taken aback by the sudden action, but smiled brightly, “thanks fluffy!”

“Not fluffy,” he muttered as he slapped his tail at the back of the laughing lion's head. The two joined them with their lanterns and at once they all released it in the air as they all joined the small trove of floating lanterns in the air as the light almost illuminated the pink forest in its entirety.

They watched the scene until they could no longer see it anymore and when they thought it was all done they diverted their attention to the first crackle of fireworks and the kids cheered loudly as much more came.

“If I was a snake, where would I be?” MK hummed as he looked through the trees, hoping he didn't run into any creepy crawly spiders, as he tried to find his slithery friend.

The Qilin merely snorted as he laid down against the Yao grass, MK met him one day when he was visiting Whatever. He tried so many times to call him Shui Gui or Kappa, but the webbed spirit would just ignore him, and the horse-like creature trotted from across the lake and up to him, and after a moment of staring, just decided to take a nap next to him. Ever, MK managed to haggle that nickname out of him, once again busted out laughing and left a confused eleven year old.

“They have to be around here somewhere,” he grumbled as he searched further through the woods only to stumble upon an open clearing with an old house in the middle. “Huh, didn’t know anyone lived here.”

He walked closer to the home and he gave a cheerful yell “Hello! Anyone home?!”

No response.

“Doesn’t seem like they're here right now...let’s take a closer look,” he mischievously scurried over to the open window and peeked inside to see that it almost looked like he traveled back to the Tang Dynasty, see he has been paying attention to history, take that Dad.

“I wonder who could live here?” He pondered as he looked through the clean wooden and sun dried brick structure. “It actually looks clean, but everything is just so...well old?”

“What are you doing here kit?” He jumped up at the melodic voice.

“You scared me Ní!” He yelled at the Huli Jing, the brown nine-tailed fox.

“Well everyone needs a good scare every once in a while,” they said with a grin as they walked forward.

“Course I did,” he grumbled as he turned to face the shack, “so do you know whose house this is?”

Sadly, the fox smiled, “just one filled with fond memories kit, now come,” they nudged him away from the old home. “I heard that you were looking for our lost slithery friend of ours.”

“Yeah, they took my fidget spinner after learning that they could spin it on their tail,” he huffed as he once again.

“I presume you mean our Xian,” she hummed as they walked back to the trees.

“Who else?”

“Well there are our many reptilian friends amongst the trees, for all I know you could mean our biggest companion,” they teased.

MK looked at the fox as if they were crazy, “I don’t think that there even is a fidget spinner big enough for her.”

“You never know,” they swished their tails as they made it back to where the Qilin was and they took on a grin, “oh, it seems that we have found them.”

MK's eyes twitched as he saw that the snake was just chilling next to the horned horse beast as they played with the spinner, “Hey!”

All nine snakeheads lift at the voice and with a unison hiss, they promptly slither away with fidget spinner in hand, or rather tail in their case.

“Don’t you dare run! Get back here with that! I need it for class!”The boy yelled as he ran after the Xiangliu with much fervor.

“-but how?!” MK threw his hands in the air, “Monkey King has all these amazing powers, it doesn’t make sense that he can’t use them underwater.

“He is a stone monkey!” Mei pointed out to a section of the book as she leaned against MK’s bed, “stone sink, not float!”

“But he can still transform into all these different animals, can’t he just make himself a fish or something?”

“He is still stone!”

“But he can fly!”

“I don’t know magic,” she was half tempted to throw her book at her friend, she doesn’t have all the answers either.

“Then why can’t he use it underwater then?!” He was then hit by a thrown book as he fell off the bed, “you didn’t have to throw it at me.”

“Well maybe I did,” she crossed her arms and just laid down on top of him, “this is so confusing...maybe we can ask Mac, he knows a thing or two about magic.”

“He does,” the thirteen year old shot straight up, knocking Mei off, but then he slumped down when a thought occurred to him, “but he’s currently helping Ning right now.”

“Ning?” She asked as she sat back up.

“She’s a client,” he added.

“Oohh...I wonder what she’s in for?”

“When she sneezes or burps, she breathes fire,” MK easily answered. He already saw this happen when she first crawled in, she gave a wave to him, but quickly turned away when she sneezed. He is glad that the wood in the house has been enchanted to be fireproof, cause he doubted that there would have been a house standing after that fireball.

“She’s a dragon!” Mei got in his face, if there was one creature she loved it would hand down be the dragons.

“No, just a lizard demon.”

“Well technically dragons are reptiles,” she slumped down, her dreams of seeing the magnificent beast being thoroughly crushed. She then picked up the Journey to the West book and she gave an amused huff as she saw what page it landed on. “I still find it funny that your dad shares the same name as Monkey King rival.”

MK shared her grin, “it is pretty funny, like can you imagine him going toe to toe with the Monkey King.”

Mei’s grin widened, “the same monkey who let me put braids in his fur with ribbons!”

“The one who has a heart attack each time I get a bruise out in the forest,” he joined in.

“Who wears aprons when cooking food!”

“Let the baby monkey cling onto him!”

“He makes medicine for any demon or human that stops by!”

“He uses scented shampoo cause he likes the smell and it makes his fur soft,” the two couldn’t help but roll on the floor laughing.

“Do you want to hear something even more hilarious,” MK grinned.

“What?!” Mei asked after her laughter died down.

“There are some customers who even call him the Six-eared Macaque,” he snorted even louder.

Mei's face completely froze, “Huh?”

“Yeah,” he vigorously nodded, not taking any notice of his friend's change of mood, “I heard them call him with full respect and everything!”

“...what?”

“And what’s even better, he has six ears!”

“What?!” MK jumped up at Mei’s outburst.

“What was that for?!”

“You just told me that he has six ears?!” She began to shake him. “Do you not realize what you just implied?!”

“NoOoOo,” he shakily answered.

Mei then dropped him as she reached back towards the book and flipped through the pages until she found another, “oh my god, how could I have not realized it before!”

“What?” He asked as he managed to sit back up.

“Shadow manipulation, clones, stealthy,” she read out some of the powers, “they both share almost the same abilities! Hell, he even is a black-haired monkey!”

“Fur, but yeah and?” He still didn’t get what she was implying.

“And doesn’t he have super hearing?” She pressed further hoping that her dense friend would get it.

“Yes andddd?” He didn’t.

She pushed the book to his face, “Your Dad is the Six-Eared Macaque from the book!”

“What?! No he isn’t,” he snatched the book from her hands, “I mean it doesn’t make any sense, he may be grumpy, but he is not anything like the one from the story! He is downright mean and cruel!”

“Well, maybe he changed?!” She threw her hands in the air, “it won’t be that big of a stretch, I mean 500 years is a long time.”

“But I have never seen him fight before, not even when Daiyu would plead to him for a spar, he would just roll his eyes.”

“Maybe he just doesn’t fight when you're around,” she threw in her answer.

“But, but, but it just can’t,” MK threw the book away from him, “it just can’t.”

“MK,” Mei worriedly put a hand on his shoulder, “are you okay?”

“Yes-no-I don’t know,” he leaned on the ground with a groan. “He just can’t be the same one from the book okay.”

“Well, why not?”

“He can’t, he can’t because if he is then he has purposefully kept this a secret from me,” he whispered out.

“Then that’s more reason to ask him,” Mei insisted.

“No!” He shot up and grabbed her shoulders, “we can’t!”

“Well why not!”

“It might not even be him!”

“But what if it is?!” She countered back.

“But what if it's not,” he firmly stood his ground.

“And if it is?”

“It’s not!”

“It is!”

“It’s not!”

“It is!”

“It’s not!”

“MK, we have to ask him.”

“Ask me what?” They both scooted back in shock when the said monkey demon walked into the room. “I’m hoping by those reactions that you were just startled and not guilty of doing something you weren’t supposed to.” He decided to check out their yells after he had finished with his patient.

The two shot a look at one another.

“Right?”

“Yeah, nothing bad, nothing and at all,” MK nervously said as he scratched the back of his neck and avoided his golden eyes.

“You know that right there isn’t helping your case,” Mac deadpanned.

“It's just that we have a question,” Mei butted in as she grabbed the tossed book.

“Mei no,” MK tried to stop her, but she was determined to get her answers.

“Are you the same Six-Eared Macaque from the book?!” The pigtailed girl showed him the Journey to the West book up to him.

Macaque stilled at the question for a moment before easing down as he took a look at the book, “Huh, haven’t read this book in a while,” he said noncommittally.

“Well? Are you?!” Mei pushed him for the answer, she was not leaving until she got one.

Even MK was silently watching this whole interaction but didn’t move an inch, because deep down, even he wanted to know.

The monkey demon let out a sigh as he nodded, “yeah, I am.”

It was silent as the two kids took in that information.

MK's mind was racing, he didn’t know what to even think. The cruel demon in the story, the one who constantly attacked innocent people, killed so many, clashed fiercely against the Monkey King, is the same one who found him all those years ago and took care of him. It just doesn’t make any sense!

“Want to talk here or in the living room?” Macaque’s voice pierced through the silence.

It took a moment before MK finally responded, “living room.”

“Alright, I’ll go make some tea. This won’t be an easy talk,” he said as he began to reach out to ruffle his hair only to stop at his child's nervous stare. He puts his hands down and promptly walks out of the room and turns away to the kitchen, while he ignores the tight squeeze in his chest.

“So,” Mac sat down on the opposing chair from the couch that had the two kids on it as the pot of tea and a bowl of peeled mangos sat in the middle of the table, “where do you want me to start?”

“Were you ever gonna tell me?” MK blurred out first as he clenched his fist. “Or was this gonna be kept in the dark.”

“When you turned 18, I was gonna sit down with you and talk about this,” he firmly told his son. “I had no intention in hiding this from you forever.”

MK didn’t reply as he lowered his head.

“The beginning is usually a good place,” Mei tried to joke, but only the demon gave a small smirk as MK stayed silent.

“That’s as good a place as any, well before that book ever took place, before even the thought of the Journey took place, me and Sun Wukong were friends.”

“You were friends?!” This time MK didn’t stay silent as both kids shouted.

“Surprising right,” he mirthlessly chuckled.

“It never said anything like that in the books!” Mei exclaimed as she held up her book.

“Well first that’s a kid-friendly book of the story,” he pointed out the childish cartoon design on the front cover. “Don’t think they want kids reading books about graphic violence, especially with the disembowelment and all types of gore,” he muttered the last part quietly to himself. “And second, not everything you read or hear is correct.”

“Huh?”

“History is told by the victors and survivors, not by those who lie dead,” he softly said.

“Oh,” Mei shuffled at the uncomfortable thought.

“So how did you two meet?” MK prompted.

“When we first met, he looted some food from a shrine and got caught like an idiot, which pissed off the mountain god.”

“He did?!”

“Yeah, this was way before he met Subodhi, the one who taught Wukong about how to take on immortality.” He reminisces back to the scene where he met his first friend.

‘Shit! Shit! Shit!’ Sun Wukong leaped from rock to rock as he tried to get as much distance as he could from him and the deity. He spotted a cluster of rocks that looked like it had some amount of cover as he leaped behind it and waited. “All I wanted was some damn food! How was I supposed to know that it was supposed to go to a God?! It makes no damn sense to just leave food lying out!” He whispered angrily.

“So you're the one who pissed him off,” Wukong managed to suppress a yelp as he noticed that he wasn’t alone in his hiding spot. It was a bit surprising to see that it was a Monkey demon like him, only with black fur and a red scarf hiding the bottom of his face. “One would think that you shouldn’t piss off a deity, but that is just my opinion,” he snarked.

“Well one shouldn’t leave food lying out like an idiot,” he shot back.

“So you decided to steal from a mountain God? Yeah, real smart,” Macaque drawled out. “Usually I steal from fields, but you took the idiot crown today.”

“How was I supposed to know that it was for someone!” He retorted.

“Just by looking at it dumbass, have you never seen a shrine before?”

“What’s a shrine?” He questioned.

“I’ll take that as a no,” he deadpanned. “How can you not know? Were you living under some kind of rock before?”

“No, I was born from one!” He cheekily grinned.

“...I don’t know if you're insane or if that’s just the weirdest thing I heard,” he then froze as he dragged Wukong closer to the rocks.

“Wha-,” he was about to break free but was hushed by his fellow hider.

“Shhh,” he silently pointed to the right of them and after a moment noticed that a shadow was getting larger. Wukong smartly decided, for the first time, to keep his mouth shut.

It was only after the shadow left did the two relax.

“So I guess we’re stuck here for awhile,” the brown-furred monkey sprawled against the rocks and made himself comfortable, “I’m Sun Wukong, but people call me the Monkey King.”

The other monkey let out a burst of laughter at his ridiculous name, “Ha! Yeah, no I’m not calling you that. I’m Liu Er Mihou.”

“Pfft, boring,” he grumbled back as he then got curious, “so why are you hiding behind this rock anyways? You certainly were here long before I was.”

“Well unlike you, I was taking a nice nap before this happened,” he smirked as he leaned back.

“Just napping you say,” his eyes happen to spot a bag filled with different goods and food.

“Well napping after I nicked off some things from the fields and market and unlike you, I didn’t get caught.”

“Would have been helpful, but-,” they were cut off when a huge explosion erupted from underneath them.

“You thought you could run from me you little ape!” The mountain God’s echoey voice boomed out. “I am one with all upon this mountain! Every pebble is my ears! Every rock is my voice! You can-,” he was cut off by a voice angrily yelling at him.

“I’m not an ape!” Wukong screeched as the two of them started to run.

“That’s what you're concerned about?!” Liu Er confusedly asked though it was laced with a twinge of amusement and fear.

“I have a tail!” He emphasized the tail carrying the bag of food. “Obviously not an ape!”

“You can’t run forever little ape,” the voice snarled out with every crushed rock booming behind them.

“You got one more time to call me an ape!” He yelled out as his eye twitched.

“And what are you gonna do about it little. Ape.” The voice mockingly said with a toothy grin.

“That’s it!” The angered monkey stopped in his tracks as he flung the bag over to Macaque, “hold this!” And with that, his eyes started to glow bright yellow as he flung himself at the God.

“What are you doi-,” he cut himself off as he noticed that the impulsive monkey that he was hiding with had suddenly begun to shoot lasers from his eyes. “Huh, maybe there was something about him being born from the stone that was true.”

“GHA stop that!” The Mountain God wheezed out as he was hit by another bludgeoning punch from the mortal monkey.

“Not so tough now are you!” He mocked as he sent a flying kick towards the immortal being, only for him to slink down into the mountain. “Oh now who's the coward! Come out and fight me!”

“This dumbass,” Macaque grumbled as he was half-tempted to just take the bag and run, but even he doubted that he would hold up against the enraged monkey like this. His ears twitched as he heard the lingering God about to move so he yelled to Sun, “you might want to duck, he’s about to strike from the left.”

Sun Wukong heard him and managed to leap high enough to avoid the Mountain God claws, “got you now fucker!” And with a couple of spins, he struck down upon the God and landed a killing blow upon his head. “That’s what you get.”

“Remind me never to piss you off,” Macaque said as he casually walked up next to him, tossed his stolen bag of food, and examined the dead God.

“Thanks!” He cheerfully reverted from his enraged form once he got his food and happily began to chew on an apple as he sat down against the fallen God. “So how did you know that the God was there?” He curiously asked as he took another bite.

Liu Er blinked at the odd scene and let loose a snort as he sat down a little ways away from him. “Well seeing that you managed to kill a God with your bare hands, mine is definitely not weirder than yours,” he said as he pulled down his scarf to reveal his two extra pairs of ears.

“Cool!” Wukong's eyes glisten as he immediately began to touch his ears.

Macaque only flinched for a moment at the unexpected touch, but became a little more at ease when he didn’t feel any sharp pulling or twisting the longer he touched them, but he batted his hand away, “Heard of personal space?”

It was after the two had eaten that Mac decided to speak again, “alright let’s make a deal.”

“What kind of deal?” Wukong hesitantly asked.

“You are shit when it comes down to stealing,” he bluntly told him.

“Rude, fair, but rude.”

“But I can.”

“Where are you going with this?”

“How about we team up for a bit, with your strength and my stealth, I think the two of us make out with a lot more goods than this,” he tossed up their near empty bags.

“Hmmm, I don’t know. How do I know that you can actually steal,” Wukong pointed out, but the six eared monkey smirked.

“Well you haven’t noticed this,” he tossed up the half eaten apple in his other hand.

“Wha-,” his eyes widened as he now noticed that the apple in hand had disappeared in a poof of violet energy. “How did you do that?”

“Misdirection,” he tossed his apple back to him.

Wukong blinked as he caught the apple then a large grin took up his face as he wrapped an arm around his shoulder, “I think that this is the start of a beautiful relationship.”

“And the start of so many headaches,” Mac couldn’t help but grumble out.

“Well you can only blame yourself.”

“I already am.”

“So you two had stuck together from that moment,” MK said as he stayed in his seat with his knees covering his face.

“For all of nine years, until he left to learn under Subodhi, then I was free roaming once more. Though I did learn a few things from Wukong as it made my travels a bit easier,” Mac said as he took a sip from his lukewarm tea.

“And he probably learned a few things from you...like how to steal so many things from the celestial realm,” Mei's eyes widened as the realization hit her. “Now that’s how he managed to do that! You taught him how to steal!”

The simian paused as that hadn’t occurred to him in the slightest, “...to be fair I didn’t teach him shit, he simply watched what I was doing and used it in practice. All the havoc he managed to cause in the celestial realm and below was his reckless ideas, I had nothing to do with that...for the most part.”

“But the Monkey King is an immortal being,” MK interjected, “and you're not...unless.”

“Yeahhh, I’m immortal too,” he sipped his tea at their dumbfounded stares.

“How?!”

“Once again, blame Sun Wukong for that.”

“I’m sorry, run that by me again,” Mac let the book hang freely from his hands as he listened to Wukong.

“You're immortal! You can thank me with words of praise and/or delicious food,” he cheekily grinned at him as he hung upside down from the tree branch above.

The monkey demon had to blink for a moment and take a deep breath before closing his book and putting full attention to his friend, “I’m almost scared to ask how the fuck you managed to pull that off, but also dying to know.”

“Well,” the simian jumped down to the same branch as Macaque, “I was kidnapped by Yama lackeys, which was uncool you know, I earned my immortality fair and square,” he huffed out.

“You got kidnapped by the emissaries of the God of Death...okay that’s kinda funny,” he cracked a grin.

“Well it wasn’t for me,” he crossed his arms, “so I kicked all of their asses and spoke with some old folks, who call themselves the ten kings which is a stupid title itself, to get things straight you know and they tried to do? They tried to pull a fast one on me and say that they meant to take another Sun Wukong, which I call bullshit on. I mean who else is a stone monkey that’s name is Sun Wukong?”

“No one,” Mac snorted as his partner threw his hands in the air.

“Exactly! So they take me to the place where they keep track of the ones dying and we all look around to find where those names happen to be and lo and behold, I found my name and you want to know what I did?”

“You erased your name,” he was getting more and more amused by this, he can only imagine the chaos that must have happened due to Wukong antics.

“I erased my name! And I also decided that I wasn’t gonna be alone in this so I decided to erase some of the other monkeys back at Flower Fruit Mountain and I found your name and I erased that too,” he proudly grinned. “You can’t believe the sheer amount of panic that was on all of their faces when they realized what I did.”

“I really can’t,” he chuckled as he then scooted over and wrapped his arm around his neck in affection, “thanks for immortality I guess, never thought I would ever get anything close to that.”

“Well a little more praise than that would be nice,” he teased as he felt the back of his head get slapped.

“Oh, I’m sorry your royal highness, did that harm your oh so precious fur of yours?” Mac took on a haughty tone, “let me be the first to go to my knees and bow for your kind gesture that you have bestowed upon me.”

“Shut up,” Wukong snorted as he nudged his friend's shoulder.

“You asked for it,” the black furred monkey tone returned to normal as he grabbed his book and began to read it once more. Though he was interrupted by Sun sprawling over his lap all of a sudden, “can I help you?”

“Read to me!” He demanded.

“Don’t you get bored with stuff like this? Actually, I’m surprised you haven’t already left to cause some sort of chaos at this point Sunny?”

“Meh, don’t feel like moving now, so read to me!”

Mac knew that when he got like this there was little to change his mind, so with a mockingly reluctant sigh he said, “As his highness wishes,” and began to continue where he left off. It was during that, when Macaque was lost in the book and Wukong was lost in the soft words, did two tails slowly curl up and intertwine with one another.

“You know, it’s a bit surreal to hear that the Gods are real,” Mei hummed out. “I mean reading about it is one thing, but knowing someone who actually met with a God is another.”

“If you think that’s surreal then that’s nothing compared to actually meeting one,” Mac pointed to her.

“Trueeee.”

“So what happened next?” MK spoke up as he managed to get out of his curled up position halfway through the story and was instead leaning in close.

“Well you know what happens next, he gets a position in the heavens, his infamous havoc in heaven, left the heavens, fought some gods, got tricked by Buddha and he had the mountain pin him down for 500 years or so,” he casually said.

“Only you would manage to screw it up big time huh peaches,” Liu Er said as he jumped off the top of the mountain and back down next to his friend. “I mean, what were you thinking?”

“Heyyy mango,” Wukong nervously chuckled, “I might have pissed off all the gods in the heavens, you know how it goes.”

“Yeah I heard, but how did they do this,” he gestured to the entire mountain.

“Well, that was maybe...Buddha,” he softly said the last part, but Macaque didn’t have six ears for nothing.

“You managed to piss off Buddha themself,” he said incredulously. “How in the fuck?!”

“I didn’t piss him off!” He said in defense, “I just maybe lost a bet with him.”

“You lost a bet with Buddha.”

“Look, it's complicated!” He huffed as he tried to wiggle under the mountain, “look there’s a seal on the top of this mountain, if you can just rip it off I can easily-,”

“Already tried that,” he showed him his blackened fingers, “didn’t quite work for me.”

“Well shit there goes that idea,” he muttered as a horrible thought occurred to him, “Flower Fruit mountain! The tribe-you have to-,” he was cut off once again.

“Already have a few clones stationed there since you got that position in heaven dumbass,” he whacked his head, “you don’t have to worry about them, now let’s think of a way to free you.”

Wukong let out a breath of relief as he lay his head against the ground. “It ain’t gonna be easy you know.”

Macaque grinned cheekily at him as he sat down next to him and his dark purple daxiushan flared out underneath him, “who said it ever was,” he joked as he began to groom his friend's fur.

“Might have to go against the Gods,” he said as he relaxed to the grooming.

“You can’t have all the fun,” he retorted back.

The Monkey King merely hummed as the grooming went, they can discuss more later, but he sorely needed this.

“But you didn’t free him,” Mei quietly pointed out.

“No, I didn’t,” he shook his head as his tail silently swooshed behind him.

“But you did something,” MK noticed that something was amiss by his relaxed position as he ate a peeled mango.

“Welll, let’s just say that there was a reason why Guanyin happened to find Wukong.”

“You tricked Guanyin,” Mei deadpanned.

“I wouldn’t say trick, more like a gust of wind in the right direction,” he knew that he teetered along the line when he subtly diverted the God's attention to his friend. He heard through some of his contacts that they were looking for immortals for the Journey, so he managed to arrange some coincidental happenings that maybe got the Goddess of mercy to float in Wukong’s direction.

“You tricked Guanyin,” Mei still bluntly told him.

“Anyways,” Macaque ignored Mei as he picked up his empty cup, “then you all know the rest, Wukong infamous Journey to the West and all that.”

“But that doesn’t explain how you went from friends to enemies in the book,” MK pressed and watched as his father's shoulder slightly slumped.

“I-,” he looked down to his empty cup and sighed, “I was an idiot, I-I thought he was being tortu-something cruel was being done to him. When Tripitaka used that sutra, I thought they had managed to enslave my friend and harm him,” he gripped his cup before setting it down, he refused to dive further in that memory. “Clearly I was wrong and you know how that went down.”

The two once again became silent as they took in the information.

“Okay, okay,” Mei nodded as she crossed her legs, “but here’s what’s confusing me. In the Journey to the West, it told you were ruthless, but I know that in some other books it is said that you are a minor deity of trickery and medicine and that you would help wandering travelers by giving them medicine and give them protection by tricking the bandits and Gods. So what is that about?”

“Okay that minor deity thing is just not true,” Mac pinched his nose, “I still don’t know who even put that down in the first place.”

“How did you change?” MK added as well.

“Well,” he let out a soft smile, “I met someone.”

“Ooooo,” the two couldn’t help themselves.

“No,” he firmly told them, “No. No-fuck no. Hell no. Hell to the no. By all the Gods-no just no,” he shuddered. “It’s not anything like that at all.”

“Who was it?” MK asked.

“It was a weird man named Ping who found me on the side of the road somehow and decided to just drag my body to his house,” he snorted at their confused faces. “Yeah, that was me when I first awoke.”

Macaque groggily came to as he heard the faint sound of clinking metals coming a little ways away from him, but as he got up a sharp pain emerged from his entire body as he fell back to the bed.

“Shit, what the hell knocked me ou-...oh,” his memories came back to him in a rush as he remembered just who exactly did this to him. “Fuck, but why? Why, why why!” He gripped his fur and then his right eye as he noticed that there was a distinct lack of sight from that one, “it doesn’t make sense! Why the fuck would he, just why?!”

“So you're finally awake,” he had to freeze as for the first time in a long while, he was snuck up on, “you were knocked out for quite some time.” The monkey turned to see a graying middle aged man wipe his hands on the cloth.

“Who are you,” he went on the immediate defense. He doesn’t sense any celestial or demonic aura coming from him, but he knows it better wary than dead.

“People call me Ping,” he gave a small bow to him, “it’s nice to see you awake.”

“...Are you blind by any chance,” Macaque couldn’t help but blurt out. “Cause there's no way in hell would someone be happy on seeing a demon alive unless they were a goddamn monk…” he couldn’t help but narrow his eyes.

“Ohoho, believe me, I am no Monk,” the man chuckled as he began to pick up some materials from the side, “I have very little patience for just sitting around and meditating all day.”

“Can’t front ya there,” he grumbled as he tried to get back up only for him to wheeze in pain and cough viciously.

“Here, this will help your throat,” Ping handed him a steaming cup of tea that was next to a brown rabbit, which was a bit strange as he didn’t even notice it before.

The monkey hesitantly accepts it, he was unsure if the tea had poison in it, but decided that the human literally could have left him on the side of the road to die and spare him the troubles of killing him himself, so he took a sip of the tea and his nose scrunched up, “why is it sweet?”

“Not to your liking,” he chuckled as he sipped on his own cup.

“You know people-humans are usually terrified when encountering a demon,” he deadpanned as he realized that not only was he half clothed, but his six ears were out in the open. “Just saying.”

“And usually, most demons would have tried to take a bite out of me,” he retorted

“And that is usually enough to not even get close to one of us, let alone bring one to your home,” he emphasized.

“Well we're all a little bit crazy in this world,” Ping chortled as he ambled off to the other room. “You can leave when you want to!”

Macaque could only watch dumbfounded at what just took place as he loosely cradled the teacup in his hand. Though he could do without the rabbit gaze boring into him.

“So what happened next,” MK asked.

“I left,” he shrugged his shoulders.

“You just left?!” Mei shouted as she squished the fruit in her hand.

“Yep.”

“Why?!”

“I had no reason to stay with a man who just up and saved me for no reason, especially one who was so confident in his capabilities that I wasn’t going to attack him,” he pointed out.

“So where did you go?” MK asked next.

“A little bit of everywhere,” he lied a little, he may be spilling his secrets, but even he has a hard stop on some of his more personal ones. He was not about to tell them that he essentially stalked Wukong and his friends for a good portion of the Journey. “But, for some damn reason, I went back to Ping.”

“You went back?” Mei said as MK asked, “Why?”

“Curiosity? Boredom? I honestly still don’t know,” he sighed and leaned back in his chair. “But I just kept going back every few months and the strangest thing is, he would just give a slight wave and give me some tea. Each and every time, until eventually I stayed a bit longer.”

Macaque watched in interest as Ping began to crush some herbs together and mix them. He knows some of those plants and they tasted downright horrible. “What’s the point of making that? It doesn’t taste any good with food, old man.”

Ping simply chuckled as his rabbit laid silently to the side, “I'm not that old, unlike you. It helps with backaches, I know many of the elderly will need it in the coming winter, so it’s always good to prepare ahead.”

“Oohhh, that’s medicine,” Mac hummed. He hasn't seen much of it since he was able to heal fairly fast and also that usually medicine is one of the hardest items to steal due to it usually being hidden or secured.

“Would you like a closer look?” The graying man asked as he stepped a little to the side.

“Sure, why not,” he shrugged his shoulders as he watched with rapt attention to how the medicine was being made.

“He must have a lot of patience to be able to teach you,” Mei grinned.

The monkey huffed in amusement, “I honestly thought the same thing.”

“But how was he different?” MK hesitantly asked as all he heard was of Ping doing completely normal things. “How did he get you to...well change?”

“Does it matter that he was supposed to be some amazing being with special abilities,” he gave a small smirk.

“Well no,” he deflated a bit.

“Cause let me tell you that Ping was one of the farthest things to have anything godly about him. The only thing special about him was his strange ability to practically befriend anyone that passed him and that was it. He never went on any magical adventure, wasn’t appointed a great duty by a God, hell the man has never taken a single martial art or learned under any great sage before,” he couldn’t hold back laugh at their confused looks. “He never tried to force me to change into what he believed to be good.”

“Then why did you keep going back?” Mei jumped off the couch and leaned over the table. “If he didn’t have anything mystical about him, why did you keep going back?”

“Have you ever heard the age-old question on if you can teach a monster how to love?” He suddenly asks, throwing them all off guard.

“No?”

“Cause the answer is no, but rather you have to show them,” he smiled fondly.

“...what does that have to do with this?” MK whispered out.

“He may not have any special abilities, but there was something about him, something- I can’t say good because it’s not strictly subjective in that, but just something comforting about him. About the way he wouldn’t bat an eye at my appearance, the way he would simply give me a cup of tea, the way he would let me stay when I had my bad days, just the way he was just was comforting,” he breathed in as he unhooked his fingers that he unconsciously grabbed together. “He was just Ping and that was enough for a monster to change.”

“You're not-/Don’t believe-,” he cut off both kids.

“I know I did...horrible things in the past, things can’t be redeemable no matter how many times I may help those, I couldn’t forgive myself, but he showed me that I could.

“How?”

“I planted a seed.”

“What?”

“Oh yeah, I was just as confused as you guys were too,” he smiled as he leaned back. “He straight up told me to plant a seed each time my anger or frustration overwhelmed me.” He threw his hands in the air, “I didn’t know what he meant, by the Gods know how many of those things I planted even long after he passed.”

“So he did pass away,” Mei said underneath her breath.

“Humans tend to do that, especially with one as old as him,” he said with a small smile.

“You still kept planting,” MK huddled together as he wrapped his arms around his knees.

“...Yeah,” he wrapped his tail around his waist in comfort, “I didn’t know what else to do and I know I raged and cried, but I couldn’t just go down to Yama and demand his soul back or up to the heavens and just steal a peach. Not even the drunk old man could change fate,” he whispered that last part quietly. “I’m not that strong, so I did the only thing I could and just planted the seeds and plant and plant until one day I was interrupted.

“I’m terribly sorry to bother you, but did you happen to grow these yourself?” The woman asked as she carried her child upon her back.

“Yeah, and?” He didn’t feel in the mood to even attempt to snark back against a human as he tended to some of the flowers.

“Well let me tell you that they're simply beautiful,” she smiled at him.

“Huh?” Mac froze at the sudden compliment.

“Yeah!” He looked down to see a young girl with a wide smile, “they are super pretty.”

“Very pretty,” another child shyly piped up as he peeled from behind his mother's skirt.

The monkey demon could faintly remember their goodbyes as they proceeded to walk away from him. “What beauty is there in a bunch of seeds?” He turned to look at his plants and for the first time, he realized that they haven’t been seeds in a very long time as they sprouted into a giant, pink, flourishing Plum Blossom trees-no not trees a blossoming forest.

“Oh.” He then decided to slowly walk through it all as he plunked a plum from one of the branches. “Damn, I must have been really out of it for so many years that I didn’t even realize that it...that it grew…during all these years it grew and grew into something beautiful.” He paused as he now realized what Ping was trying to show him for all these years, that even when he got angry and made so many mistakes, they can turn into something beautiful. He let out a full body laugh as he just screeched and screeched.

“Only you, you fucking coot! Only you would think of such a weird ass idea and actually be of help, I swear if you weren’t already dead I would be yelling at you for this!” He screeches as tears or amusement and anguish filled his eyes, “you made me plant a forest of mistakes and did a fuck you and made it something worthwhile, something beautiful!”

He eventually laid down with plum in hand, ears out as he listened to the chirps of the bird and rustles of the leaves and his heart didn’t feel as empty as before. “Couldn’t have told me straight out his thoughts,” he huffed with a watery smile as he took a bite out of the plum.

“You made this forest-the Plum Blossom forest?!” MK asks shockingly despite listening to the story.

“A good portion of it, yes, the rest done simply by Hòutû herself.”

“So what happened next?” Mei said as she kneeled and put her elbows on the table.

“Life happened and time slowly crawled forward and I slowly began to change and probably still will,” he shrugged his shoulders.

MK fidgeted in his seat before finally speaking up again, “so...what happens now.”

“That’s for you two to decide,” he stood up and stretched, “You're the only ones who can decide for yourself.” He picked up the empty plates and cup, “Take as much time as you need kiddos,” he began to walk away with a heavy heart.

He knew that he couldn’t force their minds into completely accepting him, but he prays, one of the very few times he does, that he didn’t fuck two of the few good things he had. He can accept that they may not forgive him, but he damn hopes that there is still a sliver of affection-he stiffen as he felt two pairs of arms hug tightly around his waist. “Wha-?”

“You can’t get rid of us that easily Goldilocks,” Mei smiled as she cuddled her face in his soft fur, “No amount of scares can force us away from you.”

“Mei-,”

“At first I was angry,” he heard his son's voice even when it was muffled against his fur. “You kept secrets and I didn’t like that, but you told me and I was so confused, still am, but you aren’t the same mean monkey in the past, I don’t think you would have saved me if you were the same as your past self and I am happy about that. I am happy that I know you now, because I may have not liked you and if I didn’t like you then I would have never stayed with you and I really don’t like that,” MK looked up at him with tears in his eyes as he hugged him tighter. “I really don't like the idea of never being here, being with you Dad, so thank you for being you, thank you and I love you so much.”

Liu Er barely had the forethought to place the dishes down before wrapping his arms around them both with a tight grip. “Well I guess you're stuck with me.”

“Like old gum stuck in your fur,” MK squeezed out through the fur.

“I swear you spend way too much time with Minsheng…love you too Starlight,” he huffed as he ruffled his child's hair.

“And besides,” Mei started, “you may be a grump but you're our grumpy monkey demon now. And if anyone tries to say otherwise then I would need to have a few words with them,” she ended with a wide creepy smile on her face as her eyes promised vengeance.

“I’ll direct them towards you little newt,” he chuckled as he also messed with her hair as well and gave them both a gentle kiss on the forehead.

“Fuzz butt,” she shot back then got a gleam in her eyes, “a fuzz butt who can teach us how to fight.”

“No.”

“I’ll wear you down eventually,” she grinned, “sooo can we see what you really look like?” MK’s head shot up at that and shared the same gleam as well.

“Nosy, all of you,” he said as he gently pried them off of him, and in barely a flicker, he had transformed and he looked more...dangerous. His nails and teeth have become sharper, a few scars were more visible upon his hands and feet, the scar on his right eye was very prominent as it displayed a dull yellow pupil, even his ears seemed to add to his threatening appearance as the middle violet ear on the right was missing a portion of the upper cartilage.

“You look badass/So Cool!” Though he didn’t have to worry about scaring those two off as their eyes sparkled at his appearance and rushed to touch his fur as MK happily exclaimed as he put his face on his fluffy chest, “why does your fur feel even softer than before?!”

Macaque snorted loudly as he sat down on the floor and let them have a better reach, “shouldn’t even be surprised that was what you took away from this.”

“Seriously, now it looks like you actually know how to fight,” Mei ‘ooed’ as she felt some of his scars underneath his fur. “How’d this one happen,” she felt a faint scar right above the left shoulder.

“Well let me tell you that it all began by a river and I just found out that a certain monkey can’t fight underwater,” the two teenagers leaned in close as he began to tell the tale of the blood demon beast that rested underneath the river.

[princess-havok]

Love Fast Los Angeles Readthrough: Chapters 13-18

Hooookay so. I feel like most of this book is just Al running around LA and trying to get in Stella's pants and just being generally clueless which I guess is A Thing for Davey's characters. But I have a lot of questions about real-life people in this book and who does and does not get to keep their real name. We'll get to that.

After leaving the Pink Corvette gig, Al and Sky end up in a CVS parking lot where she immediately calls in a prescription because she's freaking out and the Mythicals have her meds. When Al goes inside to pick them up he finds out they're actually prescribed under the name Emily Golden. Al has a towel in his car that he stole from the Ark that is monogrammed 'JG.' NO REASON THESE TWO FACTS ARE RIGHT NEXT TO EACH OTHER I'M SURE, CARRY ON.

There's some awkward almost-sex and a weird hand job but to Al's credit, when he realizes Sky is not into it at all he loses his interest as well and takes her home (throwback to Pop Kids when Stella was high well past the point of being able to consent and had several guys going at her at once!!! That was fucked!!!).

Unrelated to anything, Davey proves to be way more up to date with what the kids like because he mentions Al using VSCO and this book came out in 2017 and I still don't really know what VSCO is, so. Yeah. I'm too old for all these newfangled apps.

I think it's time to talk about the use of real celebrity names vs making up pseudonyms. Stella is apparently banging James Franco, and he's just... that's his Whole Ass Name. He's just in this book (being very on brand for James Franco AS IT TURNS OUT). Al has talked about the pop superfame he's hooked up with and featured on his site, Marlena Lopez before, ands she's obviously meant to be Selena Gomez. I say 'obviously' because it is pretty clear before this but ALSO there is definitely a slip-up on page 106, the beginning of chapter 14:

"As I dug my hand into a drift, Marlena started telling Taylor while we should have a threesome. Fully agreeing with her points, I packed a snowball and pegged Terry Richardson in the center of his chest. He retaliated. Taylor pulled Selena from the war and after getting pegged twice in the head, I called a truce." (106)

So I guess somebody missed one in the Find-And-Replace passover this book got.

So, anyway, Marlena/Selena gets a pseudonym, but James Franco is just there. And Alexa Chung hangs around the Effs too like she's just another character in this book and not an Actual Person? Every time Al posts her picture he gets attacked in the comments by someone named @snowsimian which is so funny because she dated Alex Turner of... The Arctic Monkeys.

And then there's Taylor Swift. Of all the people to use a real name, it's the notoriously litigious Taylor Swift? (Full disclosure I support everything T. Swift has done in the name of protecting her work and the rights of artists. Except when she tried to trademark the phrase 'shake it off.' But her battles with Apple Music and with Scooter Braun? I am HERE FOR. But like. My girl likes to sue). The object of obsession of one of THE most rabid fanbases I've ever seen online? And whom Davey also decides to write as closeted?? Davey really said 'fuck it' and chose violence here. There is so much to unpack here!!! I want to alert the Swifties to the whole chunk of chapter 16 where Al instigates a car chase with Taylor Swift and an unnamed short-haired (butch??) lady because he sees them kissing. The tinhats would definitely take it as confirmation that Taylor is in fact gay (and that whatever ship name they had for her and Cara Delivgne or however you spell it was real) and the rest would ABSOLUTEY flood Davey's mentions with nonsense and/or alert Taylor herself and all hell would break loose and I live for that chaos. I just want to know who decided Selena can't be Selena in this book but Taylor can just straight up be Taylor.

Anyway, Sky doesn't get the role in Terror Cake. A model got it, because the directors wanted a more "all American" look so they cast... a blonde Australian. Davey really hates Hollywood lmao.

So Al and Sky make loose plans to go to Disneyland, they talk about Club 33 which makes me wonder... is Davey a member? I have questions. Then as Al is leaving, he spots Score arriving. Sky had mentioned a "meeting" she forgot about and seemed surprised that whoever this meeting was with got there so fast, and Al makes 0 connections here, even after The Barbie says '"You know Sky talks to him right?" she says while passing the chick her empty glass. "Seems like they're fucking"' (134). He assumes she means Jamie Shannon. I DO NOT!!!!! Also they're shopping for an engagement ring for Al to give Sky in this scene because Al has no chill at all.

Will Al ever figure out what's up with Sky? Will he learn to pick up on a single hint, ever, about anything? Why is Taylor Swift just IN THIS BOOK?

We may or may not find the answer to one or two of those by the end of this book.

[monaownsmyass]

And They Were Roommates

Requested fic by anon (if you have any fic ideas or requests you'd like me to write, you can leave me an ask!)

Book: Queen B, (after) Chapter 13

Pairing: Zoey Wade x MC (Bea Hughes)

Genre: Fluff

Rating: G, none

Word count: 3,140

A/N: Zoey and MC have a impromptu sleepover after making up from their fight a few weeks ago. Took shorter than expected cuz I wanted to get it done today so here it is! I think this might be my fav fic of mine so far :)

Tag list: @ineedskyecrandall @kamilahsayeet2063 @avalawrencefl @lovekamilahsayeed @thequeenkamilahsayeed @heygmicheelle (lmk if anyone would like to be included or removed in my next fics.)

"Have you gotten the chips yet?"

"Yeah, do you have the chocolate?"

"First thing I grabbed!"

Zoey wrapped her arms around my waist from the back and rested her chin on my shoulder. Together we peered into our shopping cart, almost overflowing with snacks. Underneath was our weekly grocery but it was entirely hidden.

"Babe, this is a ridiculous amount junk food," Zoey laughs.

"I mean, it's not like we're gonna finish it in one night. We could always keep it for some other time or even throw a party or something," I protested with a smile.

"This is basically an invitation for diabetes and an aneurysm."

"I don't see you making any effort to put some back though," I challenged.

She just laughs and lets go of me as we continued making our way down the aisle.

It was past sundown and we came to the grocery store with the only intention of stocking up our fridge with groceries. However, on the way, Zoey suggested we have a 'sleepover night' since we made up even though we live together and it's been weeks since the fallout. I'm not complaining though, I thought it'd be really fun especially if it means spending more time her.

And of course I suggested on getting some snacks 'cuz what's a sleepover without 'em? But we may have went a little overboard.

We headed towards the checkout and unloaded all the items onto the conveyor belt. My phone kept going off so I pulled it out to check it. Poppy was spamming my notifications again. The bitch just won’t leave me alone.

I scrolled through the 52 messages and rolled my eyes. I turned my phone on silent then looked back to Zoey who was already paying. I helped her place all the foodstuff back into the cart. Before leaving, I caught Zoey place the tips of her outstretched fingers to her chin and then bring it forward in the direction of the cashier. The cashier returned the gesture.

Wait, did Zoey know sign language?

As we made our way out of the grocery store, I turned to Zoey. "Were you communicating in sign language to the cashier?"

"Yeah, they had hearing impairment. You know ASL too?"

I shook my head. "I mean, I only know the basics like 'yes' and 'no'. I didn't know you knew sign language."

I loved finding out new things about her. It was a pleasant surprise every time.

Zoey let out a small chuckle. "You still have lots to learn about me, babe." She gave me a mischievous look. "Which is exactly why this sleepover is vital!"

I laughed at her as we reached our car and transferred the grocery bags once again. We drove back to campus, blasting music and jamming out to it on the way. I looked over to see her singing her heart out and making exaggerated facial features while bouncing up and down. Moments like these with Zoey made me so glad I was dating my best friend. I smiled at her and joined in.

When we arrived, Zoey and I piled the groceries onto our arms, refusing to make a second trip to the car and back.

We almost made it to our dorm room when Zoey stopped dead in her tracks. I bumped into her, causing me to almost loose my balance and drop everything I was carrying. Fortunately, I managed to prevent myself from falling.

"What the hell, Zo?"

"It's here!"

"What's here?"

She was looking down so I tried to peak over her shoulder to see what she was staring at. Being taller than me, it was no use.

Finally, she stepped aside to unlock the door and I saw what she was talking about. It was a package right at our doorstep.

"What's that?"

"You'll see." She entered and placed all the food on the kitchen counter before going out to retrieve the box.

I put the bags I were carrying beside hers and followed her to the dining table where she took a knife to cut open the tape sealing the box.

"Voilà!" she exclaimed and flip the lids open in a flourish.

The object inside was still wrapped up in plastic but I could make out some fabric through the clear wrapping.

"Here, this is for you! Catch!" She tossed me a plastic bag with the fabric in it and took one for herself.

I held it up and finally figured out what it was.

"Zoey Wade, you did not!"

"But yes! I did!"

I ripped open the plastic the same time she did and we unfolded the material to show it off to the other.

"You got us matching onesies?!"

She nodded enthusiastically with the biggest, cutest grin ever.

"I got us penguins 'cuz I remember you saying you like them. Also, they're so cute! Just like us!" she said with a laugh.

I didn't even bother with a reply, I was too excited. I pulled her by the face into a kiss. Her soft lips met mine, kissing me back. It was brief but if I wasn't already giddy with excitement, I definitely was now. "Thank you, Zo!"

We quickly changed into our respective onesies and modelled for the other.

"Aww, you're the cutest penguin ever," Zoey spoke in a soft and gentle voice that made me blush.

"No, you are!" I rushed to her to embrace her in a hug. "You're so soft," I giggled into her shoulder.

"Now we know our cuddle game is gonna be strong later," she laughed along with me. "Come, we have to set up the pillow fort."

I nodded but refused to let go off her. Human Zoey was a fantastic hugger but Penguin Zoey only made it better.

"Maybe I should've gotten you a monkey onesie instead," she teased and turned her head to kiss my temple. Then, she gently pried me away. "I promise we'll continue this later."

I finally let go and we got to work, building our pillow fort in the middle of the living room. It took us longer than we'd like to admit to set up the blanket as the tent. Whenever we'd secure one side, the other would come undone. It only made us crack up harder the more often it happened.

"Okay, okay, I got this side, you go grab the other!"

I rushed to the other side and made sure it would stay in place. We cautiously let go of the blanket and backed away. To our surprise, it didn't fall.

"Yes!"

We tossed a bunch of pillows into the blanket fort and hung fairy lights all over, including inside. We switched off the main lights a took a step back to admire our handiwork. We snaked an arm around each other to side hug.

"Good job, babe," Zoey smiled, squeezing me into her.

"You too, beautiful." I gave her a peck on the cheek in reply.

"Alright, time to call for pizza now!"

"Can you do it on your phone? Poppy has been blowing up mine so I'm avoiding it at all cost."

Her eyes widen. "Still? It's been so long!"

"I know," I sighed. "I'll probably block her tomorrow or something. Tonight, it's all about you and me."

"You got that right," Zoey murmured and gave me a small kiss on the lips.

She grabs her phone and dials up the pizza place. Once she was done, she went into her room and came out holding a folded picnic blanket.

"C'mon," she said and stretched out her other hand for me to hold.

I accepted her warm hand in mine instinctively, loving the way it fits perfectly. "Where are we going? What's up with the mat?"

"The delivery guy said he couldn't come up to the dorm to deliver it. The best he can do is meet us at the courtyard. So I thought we could maybe stargaze while we wait."

My heart skipped and my breath hitched. Stargazing with Zoey? How could I say no? Who in their right mind would say no?

“In our onesies?”

“Only if you want to.”

"Of course I want to!" I blurted and immediately dragged her out the door with her chuckling at me.

At the courtyard, Zoey spread open the picnic blanket and laid it on the ground. She sat on it and reached up to grab my hand, pulling me down to sit beside her. We laid down on our backs and looked up at the sky. It was clear and the stars seemed to twinkle extra bright tonight.

Zoey's hand moved around in search of mine and interlaced our fingers together when she found it. I gave it a squeeze and smiled into the night, never felt so contented before. Just two people in penguin onesies under the night sky, holding hands.

"Do you recognise any constellations?" I asked her.

"I can't say I do, are you some kind of astronomy expert that I didn't know?"

I laughed. "No, but my dad used to point some out to me when I was a kid. He'd take me outside and we'd just sit and watch the stars."

I glanced at her and saw a small smile play on her lips. That in turn made me smile. I was sharing a meaningful, nostalgic moment with her and that sent a thrill through me. I couldn't express how grateful I was that I could share this with her.

"Tell me about them." She looked at me and then back at the starry sky.

"That one is the Ursa Major, or the Great Bear," I said softly, just loud enough for her to hear. I pointed to the sky and traced the stars with my finger. She moved in closer to me to see where I traced.

"And that’s the Big Dipper. It consists of the seven brightest stars of the Ursa Major." I continued to move my finger in the air.

It was really cute that her eyebrows furrowed in concentration as she was listening but the she squinted. "That doesn't look like a bear."

I laughed again and said, "Almost every constellation doesn't look like their names, darling. You should see Corvus."

"That's a little weird."

"Why don't you go ahead and name one then," I insisted.

"Okay," she replied and pointed to the brightest star in the sky I could see. "I'm calling that Bea Hughes."

I started giggling and I could feel the butterflies in my stomach flutter furiously.

"Then that one should be called Zoey Wade." I indicated to the star that was directly beside the one she chose.

She grinned at me and I squeezed her hand once more. "Perfect."

She rolled into her side and I followed suit. Facing each other, we stared at the other for a while with our hands still interlocked. I brought my other hand up to brush the stray strands that fell in her face. I rested my hand against her cheek and gently stroked her smooth skin. She closed her eyes.

I looked at her in unabashed adoration. It wasn't the first time I was blown away by her and I was certain it wouldn't be the last time. My eyes trailed over the features of her face. She was perfection.

She opened her eyes and I gasped as a wave of emotion flooded me. My heart was beating a million miles an hour as realisation dawn on me when I gazed into her brilliant eyes.

I loved Zoey Wade.

I loved the way she tossed her head back when she laughed. I loved how her eyes lit up when she was talking about something she was passionate about. I loved the way she looked at me. I loved that she remembers the smallest things about me even when I don't recall mentioning it to her myself. I loved getting to know new things about her. I loved the way she brightens my day just by seeing her

I was in love with her.

I reacted the only way I knew how to; I pulled her into me to hug her and immediately buried my face in her neck.

"I adore you, Zo." I kissed the skin where her neck and shoulder meets.

"I adore you too."

We stayed like that in comfortable silence until we heard someone shout 'oh my god!' and footsteps coming closer.

I felt her turn her head to the source and sigh. Me with my face still in her neck whispered, "Is that the demon I hear?"

"Unfortunately."

Poppy stopped right over us and crossed her arms. I looked straight up at her and Zoey shifted to look at her too.

"This is why you've been ignoring me?!" she practically screeched. "You've been ignoring me to lie around in the middle of the lawn in stupid animal suits? With her?"

"Why? Jealous?"

She scoffed. "As if, Farmsville!"

"Shoo shoo, we're in the middle of something," Zoey said unamused while waving her hand at Poppy.

Poppy started shouting at us but we weren't paying attention any longer.

"Ughh! Fine! You will regret this!" she huffed and finally stomped away.

"Oh, just in time," I said as I saw the pizza delivery person.

We paid for our pizza and headed back up to our dorm.

Once we stepped passed the door, I heard Zoey's phone buzz and then laugh.

"What's up?"

"Check your phone."

Still on silent, I whipped out my phone and saw the notifications. My eyes widen when I saw both Zoey and I's ranking on The T increase. I scrolled through the feed and saw a picture of us from just now at the courtyard, cuddling.

"Poppy thought she could submit this and ruin us!" Zoey said between giggles. "Obviously it backfired 'cuz now everyone at Belvoire thinks we're the cutest couple on campus."

I went through the comments.

'Omg, they're so cute!' 'I didn't know they were together but they look good.' 'They're perfect for each other!' 'And they were roommates...'

I snorted and glanced over at Zoey who looked beyond ecstatic. "Suck it, Poppy!"

I laughed at her and wrapped my arms around her waist.

"Y'know, we do make a pretty cute couple."

"Only 'pretty cute'?" Zoey teased and returned my hug. "We're fricken' adorable!"

I brought her in for a kiss and she grabbed onto me a little tighter. One hand was on the back of my neck and the other went around my waist, gripping it. The way she kissed me was electric. Surges of energy ran through my veins, making me come alive. The passion and yearning poured into the kiss made me breathless. Being in love with her only amplified the feeling.

Zoey broke the kiss, panting but mostly laughing.

"Sorry, babe," she said, trying to catch her breath. "I just remembered we're both in penguin onesies."

I broke into a fit of giggles. God, I loved this girl.

"Damn right we are," I confirmed, beaming. "Must look pretty ridiculous but it's sure as hell comfy."

Zoey grinned back at me and grabbed my hand to lead me into the pillow fort. We took the pizza with us along with a bottle of wine.

"Cheers!" We clinked glasses and took a swig after she poured some out.

Even though we had a TV in the living room, Zoey brought out her laptop 'cuz our pillow fort was blocking it. She set it up and started playing 'Breakfast at Tiffany's'.

I turned to Zoey. "How did you know this was my favourite classic?"

"Who doesn't love a good Hepburn movie once in a while?"

We dug into the pizza while enjoying our wine. After we were done, we got into a comfortable position. She laid back, propping her head up using the pillows as I laid my head on her chest, arms wrapped around each other as well as our legs. Some of the snacks we got earlier surrounded us for easy access. She was right, cuddling with the onesies was on a whole other level.

"Can we just stay like this, forever?"

"I'd love to but I think we have other obligations," she joked.

"Can we at least do this every weekend then? Penguin onesies, pillow forts and all?"

"Sounds good to me."

The movie continued and eventually, Holly Golightly started singing 'Moon River'. I heard Zoey singing along softly.

'Moon river, wider than a mile, I'm crossing you in style someday.'

I gazed up at her and she looked back at me, still singing.

'Oh dream maker, you heartbreaker, Wherever you're going, I'm going your way.'

Mesmerised by the beautiful sound of her voice, I just stared at her in wonderment while she sang the rest of the song.

"You're unreal," I spoke in amazement when she was done.

She giggled and kissed my forehead. "That's you, darling."

I laid her head back onto her chest and listened to the gentle thump in her chest as the movie carried on. A while later, I looked up to peer at Zoey only to find her eyes closed.

She must have fallen asleep. Thinking back to my recent revelation when we were stargazing, I started speaking quietly, just above a whisper. I couldn't hold it in.

"You probably can't hear me, but I have to get something off of my chest," I said. "Kinda funny that were in penguin onesies. 'Cuz penguins mate for life. Not that I'm saying we'll be together for the rest of our lives even though I really hope we do."

I exhaled slowly and continued, "What I mean is that, after the whole situation at the Zeta's, I thought I lost you for good. I can't tell you how lucky I am that you're giving me a second chance. We're in this together and I mean it. I'll always be by your side no matter what."

I closed me eyes. She may not hear this part in person but I hope she hears it in her dreams. "What I'm trying to say... what I'm saying is that, I love you, Zo."

Instantly, I could hear her heart begin to pound rapidly. My eyes shot open as butterflies invaded my stomach. Did she hear me?

I felt her hand that was resting my my thigh twitch. I look down to see the barest movement of her fingers. Her ring and middle finger down while the rest were stretched out.

My own heart started racing in recognition. One of the only signs I knew.

I love you.

I squeezed her, hugging her tighter to let her know I saw it. I felt her tighten her hold on me in response.

We drifted off to sleep in each other's embrace with me being lulled by her heartbeat, knowing that my love loved me back.

(More fics!)

[cdyssey]

“Lyra’s Jordan” Reaction:

Hello!! I just recently got into the His Dark Materials series, and now that I’m almost done with the The Subtle Knife, I wanted to start the first season of the show! It caught my eye on Tumblr and made me want to start the books in turn. I’ve heard such good things about the series, and I’m keen to see what it does with this gorgeous world of Pullman’s.

DJDJS, nooooo, not the expositional text scrawl. I get it. You have to introduce people to this world, but still.

OH, it’s Asriel, Stelmaria, and Lyra!!!!!

Aughshsh, baby Lyra smiling at the Master. 😭

Lmao, the canon of Asriel literally just dropping his baby off at a college is objectively the funniest thing in the world. The Master is just like, Wtf? What is wrong with you, man? (To which the right answer, ofc, is a lot of things.)

OH, Dafne Keen is already everything I’ve ever wanted in a Lyra adaptation. Playful, witty, adventurous, (currently) carefree. The type of girl who has no qualms playing with a skeleton’s bones.

And I’m also really glad we get to see these shots of Lyra and Roger playing together. It feels like such a real childhood friendship.

Ooooooh, the show’s letting us see what Asriel’s up to even when Lyra’s not around, which I think is a great move. In the book, Asriel really only showed up at the beginning and end, so having some extra content to help flesh out his character is nice.

Whoa! The title credits and score are so pretty. They remind me of the ones from The Crown.

The Librarian’s fond smile at Lyra when she says please is wonderful. And then she yeets out JSJSJSJSJS. Perfect Lyra.

“The retiring room is expressly forbidden!” / “Not for family reunions.” SJSJSJ.

The Master’s hand shaking as he pours the poison into the Tokay. 🥺

They did such a good job capturing Stelmaria’s air of elegance and regality. I love her VA!!!

God @ Asriel pinning Lyra down. You suck. When I was reading the book, I didn’t know what to think of him until this precise moment, which shaded all my impressions of him from there on out.

(Holistically, tho, I actually do love both his and Mrs. Coulter’s characters. They’re both stunningly vile, but Pullman invests them with such interesting nuances that they’re genuinely two of the most electric characters in a series full of electric characters.)

God @ Lyra rubbing her shoulder after Asriel lets her go. Worst. Father. Of. The. Year.

“I’m sure he had a good reason. To be honest with you, if I were him, I would be afraid of me.” / Huh, I don’t remember if these lines were in the book, but the self-awareness here is really interesting. Asriel knows that he’s playing with dangerous fires, and he’s still doing it anyway.

That sweater on Asriel? And that little gray curl in his hair? Hot damn.

A subtle worldbuilding detail that the show was spot on to pay attention to is how all of the Scholars are essentially old men.

Between Asriel and Dr. Malone, Pullman really understands how much of academia runs on asking for grants hahahaha.

OH, MY GOD. IS THAT MA COSTA.

SHE’S SO WARM AND LOVELY AND OH MY GOD. BILLY. HE’S SO SMALL. JESUS.

And the inclusion of this little coming of age ceremony is beautiful. 😭 The Gyptians are so wonderfully communal.

BILLY 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭.

Aufh, Asriel carrying a sleeping Lyra to bed. That’s so soft.

Ur still a shitty father, tho.

But you’re a nuanced man, and I appreciate that.

Lyra waking up and smiling gently in realization. Asriel untying her shoes. Oh, my g o d.

“Can I see the man’s head?” / “No, why would I let you do that?” KWEODIDJ.

This Master and Librarian conversation has me tender. They both care for Lyra so much.

Lyra desperately pleading for Asriel to take her with him. 😭😭 And Asriel’s response: “I am sorry, but I just don’t have time for you right now.”

GOD.

“Did it look like this?” / “What?” / “The airship that my parents died in.” / “No. No, it was smaller.” Jesus.

Something that got me from the books, and that gets me here, too, is that the adults in Lyra’s life had had a similar refrain. “A college is no place for a child.” “The North is no place for a child.” And because these are the only paradigms that Lyra knows, whether through experience or imagination, the most consistent lesson that she’s ever been taught is that there is no place where she belongs.

JOHN FAA!! I love him.

And man, I’m really appreciating the way the show is paying close attention to the Gyptians, who are marginalized in their world. The way that they’re organizing to look for Billy just has me feeling some type of way.

OH? Lord Boreal!!??

“That includes her.” IT’S TIME.

I’m not going to lie. The Tumblr gif that got me interested in the series was a set of Ruth Wilson acting her ass off, so I’m ready to be hurt by her in so many more ways than one.

LMAO, this evil theme at her power walk entrance. Perfect.

The golden monkey!! He looks so deceptively cute here.

It is insane how much Dafne and Ruth weirdly favor each other. If you told me that they were really related, I’d actually believe you.

Thinks about how this is the first time Mrs. Coulter has seen her daughter in, like 12 years.

Also, ooooh, the Master in the background is intently monitoring the conversation because he knows how significant it is, and ofc, he’s absolutely wary of Mrs. C.

She’s so soft-spoken here. 😭

AUGH, and her reaching up to briefly stroke Lyra’s cheek.

“You feel utterly alone. And you feel utterly... magnificent.”

Lyra’s wide-eyed adoration of Mrs. C breaks my heart. It only makes the revelation of her true nature all the more awful. Though she doesn’t know it at this point, Lyra looks up to both of her parents, and both of them so completely fail her.

Wow, in the show, is the implication is that Mrs. Coulter gets Roger kidnapped because Lyra talked about him to her??????? Brutal.

OH, GOD. RUTH WILSON’S FACE AT LYRA UNRESTRAINEDLY HUGGING HER FOR THE FIRST TIME. THE SURPRISE, the CONFUSION, the TENDERNESS.

Roger. 😭

Ma Costa sobbing and Tony hugging her oh my g o d. I’m upset. It is no coincidence that this scene almost comes directly on the heels of the Mrs. Coulter/Lyra hug. The juxtaposition is bonechilling. Mrs. Coulter is partaking in the joys of motherhood for the first time, and Ma Costa is contending with the grief of missing a child directly because of everything that Mrs. Coulter is doing.

“Lord Asriel himself brought it to the college when you were just a baby.” Cue the Master and Librarian smiling fondly at their little Lyra, remembering. 🥺

Lyra frantically shrieking for Roger stings. The show did an excellent job of capturing their friendship—honestly, better than the books I would argue.

“BECAUSE YOU’VE BEEN A GOOD AND STRONG MOTHER TO HIM, MAGGIE.” I’m crying a little at this line because my name is Maggie, and so now I love Ma Costa even more if that’s at all possible.

John Faa’s casting is pitch perfect. He’s authoritative and stern but so caring and compassionate at the same time.

In an alternate universe, Mrs. Coulter and Lyra track down the Gobblers would be such a badass plot line.

“We’ll have plenty of time to discuss whenever you wish.” Wow, this line echoes Asriel’s from earlier: “I am sorry, but I just don’t have time for you right now.” But the irony is that they’re both saying nearly the same thing. Mrs. Coulter may say this, but she absolutely doesn’t mean it.

OH, the complexities here!! The monkey noticing that Lyra shoves the alethiometer deeper into her pocket, Pan noticing the monkey growling, and then Mrs. Coulter looking up. Such quick but charged moments.

What a magnificent first episode. I’m already hooked.

[grailfinders]

Fate and Phantasms #84: Arjuna

Today on Fate and Phantasms, we’re making the Hero of the Endowed and one of the leading players in the Mahabharata, Arjuna! Arjuna is, of course, the perfect hero, so he’s a great pick if you want to be good at just about everything except dealing with your crippling impostor syndrome.

Check out his build breakdown below the cut, or his character sheet over here!

Next up: The hero we need right now.

Race and Background

Arjuna’s human, but he’s also the son of the lightning god Indra, so it’s a pretty good excuse to make him an Air Genasi. This gives him +1 Dexterity and +2 Constitution. He also gets Unending Breath, because you can’t prove Arjuna can’t hold his breath indefinitely while conscious, and Mingle with the Wind, which lets him levitate when it’s time to use his NP. You can only cast this spell once per long rest, and it uses constitution as its casting modifier.

The Indian caste system probably doesn’t map 1:1 with D&D backgrounds that well, but it’s pretty safe to say Arjuna’s a Noble, giving him History and Persuasion proficiency.

Ability Scores

Your highest score should be Dexterity, archers tend to be pretty good with a bow. Well, Archers don’t, but you do. Second is your Charisma, you’re the most popular sibling in a family with two kids who are exclusively called “the beautiful”, and you somehow convinced everyone that the upstanding Krishna keeps telling you to do bad things. Third is Intelligence, you have to be pretty smart to keep your book straight, it’s dense reading. Your Constitution’s a little low, but it got bumped up by racial bonuses. We don’t need Strength, but we’re dumping Wisdom- you’re not known for your ability to resist temptation.

Class Levels

1. Fighter 1: First level fighters come pre-packaged with proficiency in Strength and Constitution saves, as well as two fighter skills. I’d go with Intimidation and Perception, just make sure you don’t pick any physical skills, we’ll get those later.

At first level, you get to pick a Fighting Style, and the obvious pick here is Archery for an extra +2 to all ranged attack rolls. You also get a Second Wind (ha ha, air puns), letting you heal up as a bonus action once per short rest. Sadly, this doesn’t charge your NP like Hero of the Endowed, but we’ll work on it.

2. Fighter 2: Your Action Surge lets you add an extra action to your turn once per short rest. If you try again before the turn’s over and you succeed, it’s like you never failed in the first place, right?

3. Fighter 3: I know a lot of people are probably expecting arcane archer, but Arjuna has tons of magic items, not magic skill. We’ll make our weapon fancy in a minute, but first we have to get a solid foundation with the Champion subclass. When you take this option, you get an Improved Critical, letting you score critical hits on 19s and 20s. 

4. Fighter 4: Use your first Ability Score Improvement to become a Sharpshooter, letting you fire at long range without disadvantage and take a -5 penalty to a ranged attack to gain a +10 bonus to that attack’s damage. You can also ignore all but full cover.

5. Fighter 5: Fifth level fighters get an Extra Attack with each attack action, letting you make two attacks per turn, or four with your Action Surge. Now that your basic attacks are covered, let’s have a chat with Agni about getting a worthy bow.

6. Warlock 1: Continuing this build’s metaphor of Genasi = elemental demigod, elemental gods would be Genies, which just became official warlock patrons in Tasha’s Cauldron of Everything. Agni would be an Efreeti, and striking up a deal with him gives you a Genie’s Vessel, a tiny object that you can use as a spellcasting focus, and has an AC equal to your spell save DC (8 + proficiency + charisma modifier), HP equal to your warlock level + proficiency bonus, and is immune to poison and psychic damage. You can spend an hour while resting to replace a lost or missing vessel, and you’ll want to keep it with you because it comes with plenty of benefits. While touching the vessel, you have access to a Bottled Respite, spending an action to enter the vessel, with an interior space that you can store items in. You can enter the vessel once per long rest, and stay in there a number of hours equal to twice your proficiency bonus. You can also invoke the Genie’s Wrath once per turn, adding  an amount of Fire damage equal to your proficiency bonus to anything that involves an attack roll. This means you can add it to your arrows or spells. Versatile!

Speaking of Spells, you get pact magic from your patron that uses Charisma to cast, and your spell slots recharge on short rests. For cantrips, Eldritch Blast gives you some magical arrows before you even get your magic bow, and True Strike helps you aim better but not really. For spells, Detect Evil and Good will let you know when the Kurus are up to something (they always are), and Charm Person will keep your ridiculous disguises from failing.

7. Warlock 2: Second level warlocks get Eldritch Invocations. Spend one on Armor of Shadows, because you’re clearly not wearing plate mail, and save the other for next level. Also pick up Cause Fear, because who wouldn’t be afraid of you?

8. Warlock 3: The Pact of the Blade gives you a magical melee weapon that you can summon as an action, and the invocation Improved Pact Weapon lets you pick a longbow as your pact weapon, gives it a +1 to attacks and damage, and makes it a spellcasting focus to boot!

Now that you have Gandiva by your side, grab Scorching Ray for more fiery arrows.

9. Warlock 4: Use this ASI to improve your Dexterity for better AC and accuracy. Also pick up Friends and Suggestion as your spells this level. A fun thing about the Mahabharata is that if someone of sufficient power says something will happen, it happens. We can’t make it so you’ll definitely win against your brother, but you should be able to apply this to smaller scale events.

10. Bard 1: If you want to be good at everything, you have to become a bard sometime. At first level, you get another set of Spells that use your Charisma to cast. Unlike most casting classes, multiclassing in warlock doesn’t mess with your spell slots, so just use whatever the books says at each level. You also get Bardic Inspiration, a number of d6 equal to your charisma modifier that you can hand out to allies to improve their attack rolls, checks, and saves. Finally, you get proficiency in any one skill. I think it’s safe to assume that living in The Forest for over a decade would help anyone’s Survival skills.

For your spells, Light and Message help you put on a light show and communicate on the battlefield. Animal Friendship will help you get that cute monkey friend of yours. Command continues the Speak and It Shall Happen effect from last level, and there’s enough talking animals in the Mahabharata that Speak with Animals should be a given. Also, you disguised yourself as a eunuch named Big Dick for a full year and no one called you on it, so I assume Disguise Self was in effect somehow.

11. Bard 2: Second level bards become a Jack of All Trades, adding half your proficiency to all checks you’re not proficient in. It’s not Anime Protagonist levels, but it’s still pretty good. You also learn a Song of Rest, adding a d6 to healing done over the course of a short rest.

For more of a healing factor, pick up Cure Wounds.

12. Bard 3: For your first and only round of Expertise, double your proficiency in Perception and Survival. You’re a pretty good archer, and you didn’t die in those twelve years. I think. Please don’t spoil it for me, I just got to their exile. You also get to pick a college, and the college of Swords lets you add some extra effects to your arrows to make them even more magical. When you take the attack action, you can add 10′ to your movement speed for the turn. When you hit with an attack, you can expend an inspiration die once per turn to add a Blade Flourish to that attack. Add the inspiration die’s roll to your damage, and then pick one of the following: a Defensive Flourish adds the roll to your AC until the start of your next turn, a Slashing Flourish deals the same amount of damage to another creature within 5′ of you, and a Mobile Flourish pushes the creature away, and you can react to move up to your walking speed closer to the creature. Amazingly, despite being called Blade Flourishes, none of these require a melee weapon, so have fun with them.

You also get another Fighting Style. You probably won’t use it, but Two-weapon Fighting will let people know you’re ambidextrous.

For your last bard spell, Enhance Ability will make your skill checks even better, giving you advantage on one kind of skill check for up to an hour. There’s also a couple extra bonuses for choosing physical checks, but this level’s already dragging on.

13. Fighter 6: Back in the fighter levels, use this ASI for higher Charisma. This gives you better spell saves and more flourishes per long rest.

14. Warlock 5: Bounce back to one last level of warlock for the third level spell Fear as well as the invocation Eldritch Smite, which adds 4d8 Force damage to a weapon attack by eating up one of your very limited warlock slots.

15. Fighter 7: Okay, back in fighter for real this time. At seventh level, you’re a Remarkable Athlete, adding half your proficiency bonus to physical skill checks you’re not proficient in, and adding your strength modifier to the length of running long jumps. By combining this and Jack of All Trades, you’re now pseudoproficient in every physical skill, plus initiative, without any of the effort.

16. Fighter 8: Use this ASI to finally max out your Dexterity for the strongest AC, arrows, and initiative.

17. Fighter 9: Ninth level fighters are Indomitable, letting you reroll a failed saving throw once per long rest. Failure is for people without the weight of the world on their shoulders.

18. Fighter 10: Tenth level Champions get an Additional Fighting Style, and the new Superior Technique option from Tasha’s lets us grab a battle master maneuver and pick up a d6 superiority die at the same time. The precision attack lets you add that d6 to an attack roll, for when you really can’t afford to miss your shot. You regain the die on short rests.

19. Fighter 11: At eleventh level, you get another Extra Attack, letting you nock a third arrow in a single action.

20. Fighter 12: Use your final ASI to strengthen your Charisma even further for better skill checks, stronger spells, and more flourishes.

Pros:

You’re good at ranged combat, with the ability to attack from afar with your longbow or medium range with spells like Eldritch Blast and Scorching Ray. Being able to use flourishes from 600 feet away also opens up opportunities for messing with enemy placement from a safe distance.

Thanks to Jack of all Trades and your plethora of social spells, you’re very good at dealing with problems outside of combat as well, opening up new opportunities for your party.

By having flourishes and smites on standby, you can deal a lot of burst damage when you deal a critical hit, which should happen often thanks to your increased chances and extra attacks.

Cons:

Your damage types mostly focus on normal arrows and fire, which tends to be resisted by a lot of enemies. Considering most of the Kurus are technically part demon, this could be an issue for you.

You have a few spell slots per rest, so you have to make your spells count. This is a similar problem for your flourishes, but you’re still better off than arcane archers.

Your low wisdom means you’ll fall for temptation pretty easily. Keep a good friend on standby to help you through the hard times.

[good-omens-classic]

Hi Good Omens fans, ever since making this blog, and trawling through the archives for old art, I have been thinking again about trends from before the TV-show, and the way people draw Aziraphale and Crowley.  I wanted to make this post addressing it but this is not “discourse” or to start a fight, in fact I would be perfectly content if all I did was make people think critically about what I am about to say and not even interact with this post at all, but I feel like I need to say it.

Talking about any racist undertones to the way people draw our two favorite boys usually makes people dig their heels in pretty fast.  This is not a callout post for any artist in particular, this is not me trying to be overly critical of artists especially since they have more talent and skill than I do, and I’m going to address some common counterpoints that I frankly find unsatisfactory.  Let’s just take a moment to set aside our defensiveness and think objectively about these trends.  It took me a while to unlearn my dismissive attitude about these concerns so maybe I can help others get over that hurdle a little faster.  Now let’s begin.

I’ve been kicking around the Good Omens fandom since maybe 2015 and for art based in book canon, whether it was made before the TV show came out, or because the artist is consciously drawing different, original designs, I’m going to estimate that a decent 75% of all fanart looks like this

Aziraphale is white and blonde and blue-eyed while Crowley is the typical “racially ambiguous” brown skin tone it’s become so popular to draw podcast characters as nowadays.

And the question is why?  With the obvious answer being “it’s racist,” but let’s delve a little deeper than that.

A common thing I hear is that people get appearance headcanons fixed in their mind because the coverart of the book pictures the characters a certain way.  My first point is this only shifts the question to why the illustrators drew them that way, when there aren’t many physical descriptions in the book.  My second point is that while there definitely are cover arts that picture Aziraphale as cherubic, blonde, and white and Crowley as swarthy, dark-skinned, and racially ambiguous...

(side note: why is Crowley’s hand so tiny?  what the hell is going on in this cover?)

It’s much more common for the covers to simplified, stylized, and without any particular unambiguous skin tones

I don’t know about the UK but the most popular version in the United States is the dual black and white matching covers

And while you could make an argument that the shading on Crowley’s face could suggest a darker skintone, it seems obvious to me that lacking any color these are not supposed to suggest any particular race for either of these two, and the contrasting colors are a stylistic choice to emphasize how they are on opposite sides.  If anything, to me it suggests they are both white.

In short I simply do not buy the argument that people are drawing Aziraphale and Crowley this way because that’s how they were represented on the cover art of the book.  If you draw them the way they are on the cover then whatever, I don’t care, but I don’t believe that’s what’s driving this trend.

The second thing people will say is that Good Omens is a work of satire, and it’s based in Christian mythology which has this trend of depicting angels as white, and it is embodying the trope of a “white, cherubic angel” paired with a dark-skinned demon for the explicit purpose of subverting the trope of “white angel is good, dark demon is bad” since Aziraphale is not an unambiguous hero and Crowley is not a villain.  “It’s not actually like that because Crowley isn’t a bad demon, and Aziraphale isn’t actually a perfect angel” is the argument.  This has a certain logic to it and allows some nuance to the topic, but to this I say:

Uncritically reproducing a trope, even in the context of a satire novel, is not enough to subvert it.  Good Omens is not criticising the racist history of the church, and while the book does have some pointed jabs at white British culture (such as Madam Tracy conning gullible Brits with an unbelievably ignorant stereotype of a Native American) it is not being critical of the conception of angels as white and blonde or the literal demonization of non-white people.  That’s just not what the book is about.  So making the angel white and the demon dark-skinned, playing directly into harmful tropes and stereotypes, is not somehow subversive or counter-cultural when doing so doesn’t say anything about anything.

Please consider fully the ramifications of the conception of white and blonde people as innocent and cherubic and dark-skinned people as infernal and mischievous, especially in modern contexts...

Black people are more likely to be viewed as violent, angry, and dangerous.  Priming with a dark-skinned face makes people more likely to mistake a tool for a gun.  Black people are viewed as experiencing pain less intensely by medical professionals.  Black men are viewed as physically larger and more imposing than they actually are.  The subconscious racial bias favoring light skin is so ingrained it’s measurable by objective scientific studies, on top of the anecdotal evidence of things like news stories choosing flattering, “cherubic” pictures of white and blond criminals while using unflattering mugshots for non-white offenders.

This is why I say that if you’re going to invoke the “whites are angelic” trope, you better have a damn good subversion of it to justify it, because this idea causes real harm to real people in the real world.  And Aziraphale being a bit of a bastard despite being an angel, I just don’t see that as sufficient.  I am especially cautious of when it’s my fellow white fans that make this argument, not because I believe they do this out of any sort of malice or hatred of people with dark skin, but because I know first-hand it stems from a dismissiveness rooted in not wanting to think about it for too long because it makes us uncomfortable.  Non-white people do not have the luxury of not thinking about it, because it’s part of their life.

Now the strongest textual evidence people use, in the absence of much real descriptor, is this:

"Many people, meeting Aziraphale for the first time, formed three impressions: that he was English, that he was intelligent, and that he was gayer than a tree full of monkeys on nitrous oxide. Two of these were wrong; Heaven is not in England, whatever certain poets may have thought, and angels are sexless unless they really want to make an effort" 

This piece of art has circulated in the fandom for so long I don’t know the original artist and it’s been used for everything from fancovers to perfume.  This is where I found it and it’s one of the first things that come up when you google this quote about Aziraphale.  

Doesn’t it just feel like this is the man that’s describing, some blonde effeminate gay man?  Well guess what, there’s the “blonde as innocence” trope rearing its ugly head again, because the stereotype of gay men and effeminacy as being a white and blonde thing is--ding ding ding you guessed it--racism.  And why would intelligent suggest a white and blonde person, except if the stereotype of a dark-skinned person is less intelligent?

Now the point of “people assume Aziraphale is British” is another sticking point people will often use, claiming that the stereotype of a British person is white and blonde.  I guess this has some merit, since the British empire was one of the biggest forces behind white colonial expansion, and it seems disingenuous to assign “British” as “nonwhite” as soon as we’re being satirical, in the same way I found it distasteful that the TV show made God female when so many of the criticisms of the church are about its misogyny and lose their teeth as soon as God is no longer male.

However consider that 1.4 million Indian people live in the UK.  I heard a man say aloud once that the concept of a black person having a British accent was a little funny, as though Doctor Who doesn’t exist and have black people on it.  And I’m not overly familiar with the social landscape of the UK, but I understand they’re experiencing a xenophobia boom and non-white Brits aren’t considered “really British.”  The stereotype of non-white people not being British only exists because of reinforcement in media.  If you really want to be subversive, drawing Aziraphale as Indian goes way further than drawing him as white IMO.

Now let’s talk about Crowley.  He is almost always drawn with a darker skin tone than Aziraphale, even when they are both white, and while I’ve outlined above how this is problematic on terms of linking light skin with innocence, I think it does have an extra layer.  I think it also has to do with the exotification and fetishization of brown skin and non-white people.

This artist’s tumblr is gone now but their art is still on dA and while it’s definitely beautiful and well-done, I think this is a very good example of what I’m talking about.

Crowley and Aziraphale necessarily contrast each other, so describing Aziraphale as “British” might suggest that Crowley is “foreign-looking.”  I also know *ahem* that the fandom generally thirsts over Crowley to hell and back, so making him a swarthy, tall dark and handsome is not necessarily surprising.

An interesting thing happened when the TV show came out, and everyone started drawing Michael Sheen!Aziraphale and David Tennant!Crowley more and more often:  It’s not ubiquitous, but it does happen that sometimes artists will draw David Tennant’s skin darker than it actually is.  The subconscious urge to see Crowley with dark skin is for some reason that strong for many people.  And I really encourage people doing this to think about why.  Not naming any names but I’ve working with fanartists before for collabs who I had to ask to lighten “bad guy” demon’s skin tones because it looked like they were making the skin darker on purpose to make them look scarier.  This person is a perfectly pleasant person who tries not to be racist!  And we both still fell into it accidentally, and it took me a while to notice and point it out, because the ingrained stigmatization of darker skin is pervasive yet often goes unnoticed.

What is the solution?  I don’t know, and as a white person I’m not really qualified to make that call.  Do we draw them both with the exact same skin tone?  Is it better to make them both white?  Should we make both of them non-white?  Should we only make Aziraphale non-white?  I am consciously aware of the fact that the Good Omens fandom is mostly white people, so most of the art we make is being both made by and consumed by white people, so I don’t feel comfortable saying “draw these characters of color specifically” because that can also veer into fetishization territory very quickly.  This is not specific to good omens but I think we should pay attention to what fans of color say in all fandom spaces and weigh our choices even if they seem insignificant.  And it’s important to realize that fans of color will not be a monolith in their opinion either, and it’s our responsibility to recognize that everyone can be affected by racism and social issues differently, the same way all women are affected by misogyny differently so just because one woman says such as such is misogynistic and another says it’s not.  I’m sure there are non-white fans who think it’s perfectly fine to draw Aziraphale as white and Crowley as ambiguously non-white.  I’m not saying they’re wrong.  And I’m not saying you can’t reblog this kind of art, or that people who make or made it should feel bad about themselves.  But so often this sort of thing goes unaddressed just because people don’t like thinking about it, and well, avoiding hard questions never really goes well I think.

[hank-mcdankblade]

I Know A Bottom When I See One Princess  (Part 4)

Pairing: Dean x Reader

Summary

Chapter 1: You and Dean have been pals for as long as you can remember, practically raised together. Are things still the same as you remembered when you reconnect with him after a couple years apart? Well there is one thing you see differently and you’re about to call him out on it.

Chapter 2:  After you flirt back with Dean you start to rethink all of your life choices. Why did you flirt back instead of making fun of him? God it would be so much easier if you were just a genderless blob. Hopefully the new supernatural case a friend of your mom’s gives you will distract you from all this romance mumbo jumbo.

Chapter 3: You and Dean both start to realize your feelings are not what you both originally anticipated them to be. If only you two could actually talk like adults instead of bantering like childish 8 year olds. The case picks up when you see a certain someone’s name over every case, a certain boomer’s name.

Chapter 4: You and Dean do some sleuthing into Chrissy’s apparent death. After learning the truth your trip to Wendy’s/Jack in the Box gets interrupted by Chief douchebag. Rick takes the three of you on a nice drive to the mountains to introduce you to his daughter.

Word Count: 11,629 (R.I.P. my dudes)

Warnings: Swearing, Gore, Violence, Angst.

_____________________________________________________________________

        The sun rose softly with hues of orange gracing the sky. No one should be up this early, early enough for the Matrix to glitch out where a road should’ve been.  Ok it was like 9am and you both were being grumby children. Regardless, both you and Dean were suited up for the job today as fake reporters to go talk to that Chrissy girl. With your expert sleuthing, or rather just looking through the phone book, you found her address quite easily. Dean always wore his tried and true black suit. Other than his car, it was the only thing he actually invested money in. Meanwhile you tried something different today with a dark burgundy one. The last time you two had down time you made a trip to a fancy mall and got it. Dean was very close to convincing you to buying a gamecube, it was either the gamecube or the suit. One of you wasn’t very happy with the outcome of that shopping day, so he pouted for the entirety of the trip dreaming of playing Super Monkey Ball 2. But according to Dean you looked like Lois Lane in that suit so it all works out.

        Despite the grisly murders that happened here, the town had a nice spot. The temperature was warm but chill enough for a breeze, with snow capped mountains hanging in the background creating the perfect picturesque scene for a post card. The air was fresh and crisp and pinched your cheeks awake. After around fifteen minutes of driving, you pulled up onto a hectic scene. Some curious neighbors waited by their windows to catch a glimpse of the chaos. 

        “What the hell?” You muttered as you twisted yourself in your seat to get a better look. There were three cop cars, an ambulance, and a team of forensics surrounding Chrissy Hamilton’s house. The lawn was practically ruined with how many people had stomped all over it. Some employees were walking in and out of the house while others stayed still in one spot. Two beat cops were standing near their car talking amongst themselves. Dean parked the car and the two of you started towards Chrissy’s house. The chatter grew louder with each step.

        “Hey what happened here?” Dean nodded towards the door, quickly flashing his identification along with you to the authorities. The two beat cops standing in front of the driver’s side of the cop car turned to look at you both. They stared intensely at your identification before answering. It was above their pay grade to care about the hierarchy of information in the police department to question if you two were real. 

        “There was an accident here, Ms. Hamilton fell down her stairs and seemed to have broken her neck from impact.” The taller one explained. He looked like he was fresh out of the academy, hands situated onto his belt. More employees were running around the scene when in the background a familiar face caught your attention. Walking out of Chrissy’s house was none other than Rick Sullivan, Chief of Douchebags. His eyes darted everywhere and sweat poured out of his forehead like a really gross faucet. There would be no saving of his uniform in the washer, with how much sweat he produced he’d need to have it dry cleaned….You nudged Dean with your elbow, but his attention to the beat cops wouldn’t let up. As Rick Sullivan started walking towards his car you fit yourself in front of the two cops using them as shade. You subtly pulled Dean with you, leaning against the cool metal of the car door. You tried your best to look casual as your cover was being threatened. 

        “So it was an accident?” Dean asked. The two beat cops nodded. 

        “She could have tripped on something most likely, but the coroner will have an autopsy for us by the end of the day.” A click of a door sounded and Chief Sullivan was in his car. The pavement crunched under his tires as he backed out. Your eyes flitted to his position and yours, if he drove down in this direction he would see both your faces clear as day. 

        Clearing your throat as a transition, you clicked your heels against the road and walked around pretending to look at the house before tugging on Dean’s sleeve to follow you. “So did she live with family or alone?” Dean could tell you were antsy about something but couldn’t tell what it was. He followed your movements and turned his back to the house and faced the two cops again. 

        “She lived alone, has for years so it’s no wonder the accident happened.” The shorter one chimed in. He spoke of her as if the town knew who she was, like a stray cat. 

        “Who discovered the body if she lived alone?” Dean scribbled down all the info into a little notebook he bought for the investigation. He would never admit it, but he thoroughly enjoyed getting into a full costume. 

        “Chief Sullivan did.” Oh the one name you were hoping you wouldn’t hear. 

        “What made him go into the house?” You pushed further.

        “Not sure, just said he wanted to talk to her about the newspaper article in The Denver Times and he found her like that.” Something clicked in your mind and things were starting to make sense. 

        “Hmm, ok well thank you. If we have any more questions then we’ll come find you.” Your hollow intentions were spoken through a fake smile. Your hand grasped Dean’s jacket once more and spun him towards the impala. Your partner eyed you curiously.

        “Hey what’s up? I had more questions for them…” Dean pouted sticking his journalist’s notepad into his pocket. 

        “Rick Sullivan came out of that house, and he looked very nervous. He’s definitely more involved in this than anyone is letting on.” You stated as the two of you settled into the car to discuss more theories. 

        For the next couple of hours you and Dean had to keep a low profile while things settled down. There was no use in trying to sneak into that house when Chief Sullivan could hear about it from one of his lackeys crawling all over the premises, so you’d have to try after hours.

        Once the clock struck five you rolled up to the police department. It wasn’t the hive of action that you believed it would be, so there would less people to lie to and ask questions. Hopefully the Prince of A-Holes was at home chugging a beer and complaining about liberals. With the confident flash of a fake badge. and a smile you two were led to the coroner’s office with ease. If there was one thing you two learned about faking the identity of feds, it was act like you belong there and nobody will question you.

        There was only one person on staff. He looked up from a desk pushing his black hair out of his face and put his glasses down. “Can I help you?” A soft British accent curved the syllables of his sentence. 

        “Yes, Ms. Hamilton’s family hired us as private investigators.” With a change of I.D. both you and Dean were sporting P.I. badges and showed the nice man who were pretending to be this week. “We’d like to see the autopsy report.”

        “Of course,” The tall British man stood up and walked to the table Ms. Hamilton’s body was lying. He picked up a clipboard attached to the table and handed it to you. Dean came around and looked over your shoulder. 

Accidental Death Chrissy Hamilton contracted an infection in a cut from the bear attack in Grand Mesa National Forest.  The infection caused her to experience dizzy spells and fatigue resulting in her falling down the stairs and breaking her neck.

        Something in your gut constricted at this conclusion. The air in the room shifted as your disappointment grew stronger. “You’re sure that this is right?” You looked up from the report to see the young British man fidgeting in his spot. 

        “I wasn’t the one who did the report, I’m….still an intern.” The intern wrung his hands behind his back and adjusted his glasses again. Dean’s eyes were watching him intently, this boy was lying. He knew the look of a guilty man from anywhere.

        “But, did you take a peak for yourself?” Dean said taking a step closer to the intern. 

        “Well….yes, but only because I thought I was supposed to! Chief Sullivan had one of his guys do the report, but I don’t think it’s right.” The intern went back over to his desk and sifted through some papers to find one hidden deep in a folder, red pen marks all over it. 

        “Don’t worry, we’re not gonna report you. We’re just looking for the truth like you.” Dean spoke softly as he took the new report from the intern. 

Blunt Force Trauma 

There is an unexplained gash in the back of the woman’s head and bruises on her neck that mimic the marks of strangulation. 

The mark on her head would be from a hard object.

The neck breaking was done post mortem suggesting murder.

        “I fucking knew it.” You muttered under your breath looking over the new report, rereading it to make sure your eyes weren’t lying to you. You shook your head and paced trying to put everything together. Dean knew you wanted to get out of here as soon as possible, so he quickly took a picture of the report with his phone and gave it back to the intern.

        “Thank you for your help, we’ll be on our way now.” Dean flashed a smile and got your attention to leave. Your mind was fuzzy as you blindly followed your partner to the car. With all this evidence piling up against Chief Sullivan there was no possible way he wasn’t involved you just had to figure out why. 

        The next stop you two had on your errand list was to stop by Chrissy’s house to check the scene out for yourself. If Chief Sullivan had one of ‘his guys’ do the autopsy report, he most likely had one of ‘his guys’ inspect the house too. Neither of you trusted that man, so here you were parked three blocks away from the victim’s house dressed in dark clothes to match the night setting.

        Dean made quick work of the lock. He got pretty good after years of experience and many close calls of getting caught my the neighbors. “You impressed yet?” Dean smirked at you and opened the door.

        “Are you gonna say this every time we break in somewhere?”

        “Until it works, yes.” You walked through the threshold into the empty dust cave that was Chrissy’s house. 

        “Jesus Christ, I feel like I could get lung cancer in this house…” You swatted some dust particles away floating in the air. The inner decor suggested that four clumsy grandmas lived here. These rugs probably belonged to Jesus’s disciples, and light fixtures from the Vanderbilt age. 

        “Where should we start first?” Dean asked setting the bag of goodies on the floor. He opened it up and handed you a flashlight and a spray bottle filled with luminol. 

        “I’ll take the kitchen fixtures and you start on the stairs?” You suggested. Dean nodded and headed towards the closest railing. The only light illuminating this dark museum of antiquities was your phone flashlights put on a low setting. Dean started from the bottom of the stairs and worked his way up. There were a few spots that glowed from the chemical reacting with the cleaned up blood. Unfortunately Dean didn’t find a mosaic of glowing lights, but rather a scarce Jackson Pollock painting. 

        In the kitchen you were fairing much better. You started with the appliances like the fridge and dish washer but came up with nothing. Lights started to shine when you hit the kitchen table. “Dean, I got something!” Dean followed your voice and saw a bright blue glow on the table, and what do you know it fit the same shape as the gash on the victim’s head. 

        “So what’s the plan now? Go to the chief’s house and bust him?” Dean leaned against the kitchen table and crossed his arms. You gathered your supplies and pulled out a fresh wash cloth. 

        “No, we don’t have enough evidence. The most we can do is go after the monster itself and deal with him afterwards. Hopefully get him to confess.” As much as it angered you that this guy was probably going to get away, you needed to be sure that he was the one who hurt Chrissy. After all, he might just be some crotchety baby boomer which wouldn’t be news to you. You handed Dean a wash cloth and got to cleaning up after yourself until the house was left exactly as you entered it. 

        The walk back to the car was quiet. You both had a lot on your mind and a lot of puzzle pieces to fit together. The only thing left you both needed to do was get the biggest order of fries and absolutely destroy them before passing out. With a gentle crank, the impala was alive.

        “So, what’re you thinking? Jack in a Box or Wendy’s?” Dean asked pulling onto one of the main roads. The only light came from the posts on either side of the street, and a couple of porch lights from the quiet little neighborhood. The stars shined brightly away from the big city. 

        “I’m always a slut for Wendy’s.” Your words were cut short by the flashing of red and blue lights coming from every direction. Dean quickly pulled over confused as to what could possibly have warranted this action from the police. He was barely speeding and all of his head lights were still working. Nonetheless he stopped the car.

        “Step out of the car with your hands in the air!” A deep masculine voice shouted. Fear crept up your throat as you complied. It wasn’t like you couldn’t take these cops, a measly bullet wouldn’t put you down forever. But you couldn’t risk Dean’s life. Unlike you, he was human and he could get killed a lot easier than you. For now you would play nice, but the second Dean was safe they would be turned into a bloody mess. The bright flashlights distorted your vision. Your eyes could only see the miniature suns they created. The faces behind them were a mystery but the voices were familiar.

        “Officers what seems to be the problem?” They didn’t answer Dean’s question and opted to continue with the arrest. 

        “Hey! Watch it.” Hands grabbed at you and put your arms behind your back. A harsh push had you pinned up against the car while sir grabs a lot bound you with cuffs. You look across to see Dean serving the same fate. Two other cops opened the impala’s doors and started rummaging through it. 

        “You can’t do that without a warrant!” A hot anger was starting to burn a hole in Dean’s chest to see them handling his baby like this. 

        “All we need is probable cause.” That voice….was more familiar than the others. Out came Chief Sullivan, who seemed very pleased with himself. He looked to Dean, whose face was turning a new shade of red. 

        “And what probable cause is that? Were my hub caps too shiny? Maybe I was playing my devil’s rock music too loud for ya??” 

        “No maybe he’s just mad because he saw our liberal bumper stickers, and wanted to show us what his America is all about right? Show us some good old fashioned hospitality from the 1800s when you were just a young lad?”

        “(Y/N), that’s very uneducated of you to say. The colonizers came over to America in the 1400s.” 

        “Oh you’re right how stupid of me to say, hey what was Christopher Columbus like? A prick? I bet y’all got along. Probably had a lot of time to bond while killing indigenous people and taking their land.” Rick Sullivan swore the lord was testing him today. He unfolded two pieces of paper and on them were photos of you and Dean from the last time you got arrested. 

        “Looked up your license plates and found some very interesting information on you two.”

        “Was it that I was the only male cheerleader in my high-school? It’s actually very good for your health.”

        “No it might be my arrest record from when I killed the president.”

        “Oh shit I forgot about that!” 

        “Enough!” Dean and you looked at each other trying desperately not to bust out laughing. “Found that you two have a long record of credit card scams, identity theft, and impersonating the authorities. Bet we’ll find something real interesting in your car.” One of the cops popped out and was holding two black wallets. 

        “Chief I’ve got something.” You felt a sinking sensation in your chest start to form, this was going to be your whole night then.… Sullivan opened up the wallets and smirked to himself.

        “Well would you look at that, Private Investigator badges. Funny, I didn’t find your registration in the system. Put them in the back of my car.” The Chief looked on you both with a smug smile. Normally this situation would have had worried you to the point of your hair graying. But at this point you and Dean had been arrested a couple times before and knew that lying low and sneaking out of the holding cell was a better bet than assaulting as many cops as you could, as much as you and Dean loved to do so. The two deputies walked you both to Chief Sullivan’s car and threw you in the backseat. The plastic vinyl of the interior was cramped, forcing you to fold in on yourself just a tad to fit. The yellow police headlights illuminated Rick as he talked to the two deputies. 

        “Do you think the dinky place they’re sending us to is gonna have a bathroom this time?” Dean quipped. You scoffed, shaking your head thinking of the last place in Louisiana that got the drop on you. Each time you had to use the restroom, one of the deputies had to go through the long process of making sure Dean was up against the wall to prevent escape, then unlock the door whose key was on a literal ring with at least 13 other keys that they had to go through one by one each time, then finally escort you to the restroom. 

        “For our sakes I hope so cause I think I downed at least 5 red bulls, I’m sure this place will be just as small town classic as the last one. Break out at night?” Dean nodded to you. This was just one of your many go to plans that you kept in your back pocket. Luckily with your strength, tearing apart metal bars wasn’t hard and made escaping quite simple since these places usually didn’t even invest in a security system claiming that they could do it themselves. The soft slam of the driver’s car door brought your attention forward. 

        “Hey can we stop at Wendy’s? We haven’t had dinner yet.” Rick glared at you and chose to bring the car to leave with a hum instead of dignifying your question with an answer. The car pulled onto the road smoothly.

        “No, I’ve got a real special place for you two.” The edge of his tone held something beneath the surface of the water that pricked your stomach. Your eyes scanned over Rick, looking for any tell that would hint at what his intentions were. Whatever this old man had up his sleeve you were sure you could take it. If you survived eating gas station sushi, nothing could kill you now. 

        “Oh? Could it possibly be that fancy meat place Samba downtown? Heard they got Brazilian meats and I’m all about that.” Dean’s comment did nothing to change Rick’s expression. It pricked at your stomach harder. You shared another look with Dean and sat back into your seat expecting a long ride. Your gut told you to stay put. Your vocal chords itched to speak to Dean, just to whisper to him about what his thoughts on the situation were. But your brain was in control and knew better than to open your mouth when your warden was less than a foot away from you, so you stayed quiet waiting for the answers to your questions. 

        The two of you hadn’t spent too much time in Colorado, but you knew the layout enough to see that the Chief was heading out of town. The bright lights of the city were replaced with the lights of the stars and the moon. Headlights were few and far between and you were greeted by more elk than people. Mountains rose from the ground and blocked the outside world, almost creating a dome over the land. The scenery could no longer hold your attention and the itch in your vocal chords finally became too irritating to ignore any longer. 

        “So what’s with your obsession about bear attacks?” From the rearview mirror you could see a flash of anger in Rick’s face as his mouth twitched downwards. If it was going to be a long drive, you may as well get what you could out of it. At least this way you could possibly get some answers and annoy him along the way. 

        “No obsession, just doing my civic duties as a police officer.” Rick’s voice was low and and quiet. He was restraining himself greatly, veins starting to pop in his neck and face changing to a new shade of red. His eyes continued to stare at the road. 

        “Do you really believe that these are bear attacks?” Dean piped up leaning to the side to catch a better glimpse at the Chief’s face. 

        “There’s no evidence to prove otherwise.” Rick quipped, short and to the point. It sounded almost comfortably rehearsed. The man most likely testified in court more times than you could count. 

        “Now I think we both know that that’s not true.” 

        “And what are you proposing?” 

         Without missing a beat you stepped back in. “Maybe that you’re a little more involved with these disappearances than you’d like to admit.” You leaned forward, the temple of your head touching the back of the passenger seat. Rick smirked to himself, as if he’d told a joke in his head. Suddenly that all knowing attitude came back to him, like flipping a switch. 

        “If only you knew what really lived in these woods, you wouldn’t be putting your nose where it doesn’t belong.” Rick’s tension seemed to lift from his shoulders with every word he spoke. Dean let out a breathy laugh and rolled his eyes. If you had a dollar for every time you heard that sentence, the two of you could buy an entire Dance Dance Revolution Machine that you had wanted when you were kids. 

        “Oh really? Enlighten me then.” Dean requested with a sarcastically inquisitive expression. His shoulders were tense and hunched slightly as he leaned in more. The atmosphere of the tiny cop car was suffocating. It felt like every body in the car was taking up more space than necessary. Rick let his eyes be taken from the road just for a second to look back at Dean with a twinkle in his eye. 

        “You kids ever hear of The Grand Mesa Curse?”

        You sighed. “Yes, extensively actually.” You blinked blankly at him. 

        “There’s evil that lurks in these woods, six feet tall and claws. A wendigo. Know what that is?” Rick paused for a moment at his own rhetorical question. “It’s a creature that used to be human, but changed once they resorted to cannibalism. It was thought that the man who consumed human flesh would absorb its power. Used to think all of this talk was nonsense…until I saw her.” You scrunched your brows together and sat back into your seat, piecing things together.

        His daughter was on a camping trip and died.

        He always had a hand in all the bear attack cases that happened at a specific time of year. 

        He was the one who found Chrissy’s body.

        “Your daughter…” You muttered. Rick shook his head slightly banishing the awful memories from behind his eyes. The image of his now six foot three daughter, her skin stretched beyond repair over protruding bones with eyes that held no recognition for her father. He remembered in great detail the first night he saw her, barely got out alive. Rick would never get the scent of human flesh out of his nose, the sight of those kids’ blood over her hands and face. Yet somehow even after seeing all those horrible displays of violence he still loved her and protected her. If he kept covering her tracks, at some point things would go back to normal. 

        “She’ll get better, if I keep feeding her then eventually she’ll be fine.” From the sound of it, even Rick didn’t believe what he was saying. But he wanted to. Desperately so.

        “You know she won’t-”

        “SHE WILL!” Rick hit the steering wheel with the heel of his hand as he barked. He had already come so far, he wasn’t about to let two little children take away what little family he had left. There was still a little bit of hope left if he kept lying to himself and everyone else. “And neither you two or that Chrissy girl will ruin this for me.”

        A sour feeling was starting to settle in your stomach. It was almost sweet how much work he was putting into keeping his daughter safe. Normally you would feel for a parent losing their child, but unfortunately in his situation, Rick already lost his daughter. Seeing a monster wear his daughter’s face destroyed any chance for him to accept that there was no trace of her left in that gaunt body. He failed her in this life that winter years ago, he refused to fail her ever again. 

        As you traveled further into the mountains, snow started to accumulate on the windshield. The mountains had their own world. The night was pitch black and snow more piercing compared to the environment in the suburbs. Even the trees seemed to curl out like a hand waiting to grab unsuspecting travelers. 

        Something started to feel off. You fidgeted in your seat trying to find a comfortable spot to no avail. It felt like a lightbulb softly pushing at the back of your head, warming the crown of your hair and shooting down your spine and all throughout your bones. This feeling grew stronger as the Chief continued to drive. You grimaced as the lightbulb dug further into your brain aiming for the center of it. You knew this feeling all too well, your biological radar spotted a monster nearby and they were getting close. This one felt strong. The car stopped making your back softly hit the back of the seat. 

        Outside the safe haven of the car you couldn’t see five feet away from you without the blank canvas of snow distorting your vision. The wind pushed the car back and forth every couple of seconds ever so slightly, as if you were still on the road. Rick pulled the collar of his jacket up and braced himself. He opened his door and stepped outside. 

        “What the fuck do we do?” You sputtered out to Dean, eyes wider than usual.

        “Well I assume we’re about to meet his daughter, so my only suggestion is to not get eaten.” Dean said testing the strength of the handcuffs around his wrists. 

        “Thank you for that Captain Obvious.” 

        “You’re Welcome Lieutenant Sarcasm.” 

        Before you had a chance to respond, the chief opened up the door with a gun pointed at Dean’s face. “Let’s make this easy why don’t we? Get out of the car. We’re gonna do this one at a time.” Dean took in a shaky breath and slowly stepped out of the car, leaving you alone in the back seat. He shut the door with his foot and got his balance back in the snow. Rick nodded his head to the side signaling Dean to keep walking. The snow crunched under his boots and gathered in between the grooves of his shoes. His neck was exposed to the cutting temperature, the wind only served to slice his skin deeper. Regardless, he marched onwards until an opening in the mountain showed itself. There were signs warning against entering the tunnel, explaining that the cave could collapse or that it’d been dangerous for decades to go inside. The wooden blockade had been damaged and eaten away by weather and insects over the years. It looked barely strong enough to be holding itself up.

         The threshold was uninviting, light not escaping the cavernous mouth creating a shield of darkness. Dean blindly walked forwards, carefully stepping over the bumps and grooves of the floor. An orange glow started to illuminate the walls, exposing the roots and rock in the walls. “What do you think your daughter would think of you sacrificing people to her?” Dean spoke up. This was a last ditch effort. If he wasn’t able to talk Rick out of this he wasn’t sure what other option he had. Last time he went up against a wendigo he barely got out alive, and that was with equipment. He had nothing this time around, and to make matters worse his hands were bound. 

        In Dean’s head about 18 tabs were open and at least one of them was playing music but he couldn’t tell which it was. He was flipping through all his plans A through Z but most of them depended on either you coming in at the last second, or for Rick to be a complete bumbling idiot and easy to fight even while handcuffed. Dean’s stomach tightened at his next thought.

         The thought that he might not actually make it out of this one. Of course his brained tricked him into believing that this would play out like a B-list action movie where everything would turn out perfect and everyone would be saved. His body felt manic, electric. This feeling was sadly familiar to him.

        Rick stayed silent for a moment and slowed his pace to use more energy to think. “Lydia would find a way to understand.” 

        Dean scoffed. “Yeah cause the ends justifies the means doesn’t it Machiavelli?” Rick pressed the gun into Dean’s back.

        “Just keep walking.” 

~~~~~~

        You watched as Rick lead Dean away. Your body slowly shifted into the seat your partner had recently occupied, his heat still captured in the fake leather. The angle of the window did you no favors to see them, the snow not helping either. The cold glass chilled the first layer of the skin on your cheek. Once they disappeared from sight you leaned back into your seat and stared at the metal around your wrists. You took a big breath into your lungs and pulled back and away with your elbows. The sheer force of your strength ripped the chain like day old bread, the ends of the chain that broke sharpened to a point. 

        You put the pad of your thumb on the hinge of the handcuff and pushed until it popped under the pressure and slit in half, releasing your hand then doing the same to the other. The metal didn’t do much to the skin of your wrists save for mild redness. You made some circles with your hands before moving to the next task at hand, the locked car door. The posture of your body and processes of your mind gave into the demon within. The look in your eyes and crack of your knuckles was that of a skilled hunter, a predator coming to defend their territory. In moments like these it was easier to let the Slayer side of you take over, hand her the reigns and guide you through this. 

        In order to get the job done you had to put everything aside. Nothing mattered except getting the mission completed. Thoughts of your mother, your childhood, Sam, or even Dean, could trip you up and possibly effect your reflexes or technique. 

        Your emotional shield hardened, ridding your thoughts of the possibility of Dean getting eaten or hurt.

        You positioned yourself to face the passenger door in the backseat, arms stabilizing you behind and knees bent. Your feet were pressed against the handle of the door. With a grunt you mustered up all the pent up anger that boiled within and kicked it. The door flung open, the frigid temperature rushed into the back seat. You sped walked to the trunk of the car and popped it, pulling your hair out of your face as the wind whipped it around. The contents within were a first aid kit, jumper cables, a bullet proof vest, a shotgun, a couple of road flares, spare handcuff keys, and a pair of bolt cutters. You fastened the bullet proof vest onto your chest, stuck the road flares and extra set of keys into your pocket and picked up the shotgun. It wasn’t much, but it would do. Your eyes landed on the opening that Dean disappeared into and walked towards it.

         It was business time, and there was one motherfucker you still had to take care of.

~~~~~~

        The air of the cave was thick with moisture and made Dean’s clothes stick to his skin. Little drips of water and pebbles moving in the background made his ears perk up. Every little sound made him pull his arms closer to himself and tense up. Those tiny sounds could go unheard and would be the difference between life and death if they were Lydia. He hadn’t seen any signs of her existence yet, but he was sure that was about to change soon. The longer he could prolong that moment the better. 

        Rick silently lead him deeper through the mountain’s tunnels, taking lefts and rights at random intervals it felt. Dean tried his best to create the maze in his head, he wouldn’t be able to use landmarks since every part of the cave was identical. Every couple of feet another low powered light bulb was strung from the sides of the cave wall. There was a sliver of darkness between each set of lightbulbs. As they continued walking, Rick’s footsteps slowed even more until he stopped altogether. Dean turned around waiting to see his next move. They were in a more hollow part of the mountain now, somewhere near the edge of it Dean guessed from the moonlight that peaked out from the cracks in the ceiling. The light shined down and poured into the cavernous drop to his left. Rocks created the path in front of them, the wall of the cave gave little space to walk as close as it was to the drop off. 

        “Ok so what now?” Dean looked around.

        “Nothing, for you at least.” Rick spoke putting his gun back in its holster. He stepped forwards and grabbed Dean by the sleeves of his shirt. In the flurry of motion Dean lost his balance, moving at the whim of Rick’s motion. His feet flew over the ledge of the drop as Rick flung him down into the cavern. With a grunt Dean landed on his back on the hard ground. It felt like all the air was sucked out of his lungs. Three different vertebrae throbbed in sync with his heartbeat. From the scrape of the ground the hunter already knew that he was bleeding in several locations. He took a second to lay there in agony glaring up at Rick as he walked away.

        “Have fun chatting with Lydia, I’m sure you two will have a lot to talk about.” His voice echoed with a smile. 

        “Bastard…” Dean’s attention was taken away from the pain in his upper back, but rather spread to all the muscles connected to his spine as he attempted to get up. Every tiny movement from his arms sent shocks of pain through his muscle fibers straight to his spine. He grit his teeth as he rolled over to his side, hand coming over to brace himself. The tiny rocks on the cave floor embedding themselves into his hand meant nothing to him. The room spun around and shook Dean’s head around. “Fuck…”

~~~~~~

         Your eyes scanned every new inch of cave you took in at a rapid pace with laser precision. Anger and rage heated up your skin. You walked with heavier determined footsteps, strutting your way into a new disaster. The change in your demeanor surged your forward. Upon hearing movement up ahead you dipped into a crevice in the cave wall, squishing your body between rocks awkwardly that dug into your skin and poked at your bones. A memory surfaced like a vision from your childhood of playing hide and seek with Sam and Dean. 

        Footsteps, those of boots, drew nearer. Your eyes stuck to one part of the wall until a pair of khaki pants walked right past you. They followed Rick as he walked blissfully unaware of his surroundings towards the opening of the mountain. A list of techniques you could use to snap his neck came to mind, your fingers itched to wrap around his throat. Your mother would be so proud to know that you actually paid attention to her lessons if she felt human emotion. 

        Once the footsteps faded into the distance you dislodged yourself from the rocks in the wall and brushed off any residue. The cold air snuck between the layers of your clothing sparking a shiver down your back. You crept on further, silencing your feet and breathing deep into your chest. A shuffle below you caught your attention. You crouched closer to the ground and kept your body close to the wall to get a better look at the culprit. The minute you saw a flash of green flannel you stood up.

        “Dean!” Your knees hit the edge of the drop off hard making small abrasions in your jeans and skin, but you didn’t care. “Are you ok?” The slayer mask was forcibly ripped off of your face. The heated rage in your skin was replaced with an icy shake. You kneeled to the ground and peered over steep drop. The little drop off looked like a ravine with Dean at the bottom just waiting for a rock slide to bury him.

        “Yeah…Chief of Douchebags pushed me over. Think his daughter is down here.” Dean limped over to the drop, grimacing as he felt his muscles move. You dug your knees into the rock as much as you could, the fabric of your pants tore open by a sliver. The palm’s of your hands slid down the drop, stretching down as far as you could to grab onto Dean. Dirt caked your skin and was ground into the grooves of your hands. God you were almost there, you elongated your back to try and give yourself some more length. Quick short breaths made your chest rise and fall with each burst. Your lips were parted, the walls protecting your true feelings were open and released a high pitched quiet whimper. Dean reached as well, his boots pushed back gravel and dirt. His shirt caught on some of the rocks poking out as he tried to get closer, but your fingertips had about twelve inches between them. 

        “Shit…I don’t think I can get you out. Can you climb out?” You sighed frustratedly retracting your hand. Dean shook his head taking a step back. He stared up at you into your eyes that sparkled with sadness. You were deep in the sky with the distance between you two. It was like he was reaching to touch a star, an untouchable ethereal being who no one deserved to be in the presence of. 

        “No, I can’t get a good grip on any of the rocks…” Your heart and brain were battling over what to do. Your heart wrenched at the thought of being separated from Dean in such a situation. How could he possibly fight against an entire wendigo, opposed to half of one…, with no equipment or help? The thought of leaving these caves alone made tears prick at your eyes. Dean wasn’t faring any better. Looking up at you made him feel helpless. A part of him was more disappointed in himself than upset about the situation itself. More times than he’d like, he felt like the Daphne.

          “Maybe there’s another opening we can meet up at.” You spoke, undoing the velcro of the bullet proof vest and tossing it down to Dean, along with the road flare, shotgun, and extra set of keys. As bleak as everything seemed, he was grateful to as least have some protection against the situation you two got yourselves in. He started with the handcuffs and made quick work of them. Dean settled the vest over his body and road flare in his pocket, settling to hold the shotgun himself. A sick feeling bubbled in the hunter’s stomach. What if there was no opening and he’d just have to make peace with his new rent free cave apartment?

        “Uh…yeah. We can do that.” Dean looked to the ground intensely looking at nothing in particular. There really weren’t any other options he could take at this point. If you two used the shotgun to pull him out, there was no telling if the gun would accidentally go off hitting one of you. It wasn’t going to be a fun or quick time, but Dean would just have to find another way out. He turned his attention back to you, still kneeling above him. The two of you had a moment of silence looking at each other. This moment shouldn’t have hurt as much as it did, but there was no use in moping around when there was something that you could do. 

        “Are you sure you’re gonna be ok? I could join you down there.” You offered with a sad smile. Dean shook his head mirroring your face.

        “No, I’ll be ok. I’m a strong boy, I’ll find a way.” He did his best to show you a genuine smile.

        “Ok…then I guess I’ll see you when I see you.” With a sad wave of your hand, you pressed onwards.

        Dean saw your shadow disappear into the cave. He looked to his left and started walking. His back felt a little more supported with the vest so at least that didn’t add to his problems. The cave seemed to swallow Dean whole as he stumbled through the darkness. Lights were strung up in this part of the cave as well, but many of the lightbulbs were broken or smashed. The more he followed this path the more broken and messy it became. Shreds of shirts and various articles of clothing littered the floor. A crunch underneath his boot made Dean stop. He slowly picked up his boot and saw a pair of glasses missing one of the lenses. 

         The path lead into an opening. The floor was a dark shade of red mixed in with the dirt. Bone fragments stuck out from the ground. Some of them were distinguishable bones, while others were merely shards of a previous body, a previous human, a past president of the being alive club. Leaned up against the wall were three decomposing skeletons. Their skin was a wrinkly grey, eyes sunken in and stomach cavity empty. Bigger bones were piled up around them where Lydia must have fed. Dean couldn’t pick out if these bones were all from the same bodies or if they were mixtures of bodies over the decades. Instead of mulling over that question in his brain he decided to keep walking.

~~~~~~

        The cave’s cold air rushed into your lungs with a labored breath. Your eyes, cheeks, and mouth twitched and flickered in a sporadic pattern. Inside your mind a horrific theatre played out all the terrible scenarios of Dean meeting his demise. The wendigo could rip his heart out, eat him alive, or maybe that bastard of a cop would march Dean right up to his daughter as a delivery. At this point the only positive thing you could do was find Lydia yourself before she found your partner. You dug your hands into your pockets, feeling a candy wrapper and a paper clip you had yet to throw away still housed within them. The temperature was dropping steadily leading you to believe that an opening was nearby. 

        Wind grew stronger the more you continued on your path. You picked up your walking speed to a jog. Gusts of air whipped your hair around. The snow was thick and plummeted to the ground silently and was illuminated by the moon. You prayed that Dean found a way outside. The only sound to be heard was the blizzard whistling through the tree leaves, but other than that it was like a sound proof box trapped you in silence. The white trees looked like they went on for miles. 

        “(Y/N)!” A muffled voice screamed your name out in the inky blackness of the night. Your ears perked up and eyes narrowed. “(Y/N) where are you? I think it’s close!” It was Dean’s voice in both tone and color. You stalked closer to the source of the sound, walking so slowly that you felt your joints getting caught against their sockets. The thick snow packed underneath your boots with a crunch creating a map to your location. The lightbulb feeling reemerged and twisted inside your brain. Your shoulders lurched forwards as an unnerving feelings gripped onto your bones. Your face twisted. 

         Whatever was hidden in the forest was not your Dean. The voice was getting louder and started to yell. You dug into your back pocket and took out the road flare. Every shadow created looked like it took shape to move forward to you. You pushed forwards ignoring the feeling of the lightbulb digging deeper and your heart pumping in your chest. Your index finger hovered over the trigger, itching to pull it but you only had one shot. The source of your discomfort was moving. You moved your head in an attempt to keep track of it, but it was too fast to keep track of. One second it was on your right, but the next it was on your left. Had you been a normal human this monster would have you right where they wanted you. 

        Before you had time to fully process it, the wendigo ran at you and dug its claws into your shoulder. You flew back into a tree hitting your ribs and knocking the air out of your lungs. The road flare flew from your grasp and buried itself into the snow. In front of you was a seven foot five being. It had gaunt features and skin that stretched over the bones leaving her hip bones completely revealed and stomach cavity empty. This must have been Lydia. 

        You imagined her hair would’ve been a blunt short cut with bangs had it not been patchy and balding. She had a puffy vest on that had dark stains on it and stitches missing from its seams. White fluffy stuffing poked out of the holes in the seams. The pants she were wearing hung off of her hips and boney legs. They looked more like capris with how they road up on her long legs. 

        The wendigo rose its right hand and swiped down at you. Its claws scratched at the bark as you rolled to your right and shot up barely noticing the cold ground that stuck under your finger nails as you got up. Without sparing a thought you started to run. Lydia followed close behind, her claws almost touching your back. She put in more effort to keep up with you, not used to humans running this fast rivaling the speed of a car. The hunger surged her forwards. It was her guiding star and the only thing that mattered. Always craving something and someone with no end in sight. There were no thoughts in her head except for her next meal and you were standing right in front of her. 

        A small thought wondered if you were going to be able find your way back if you managed to survive this. All the trees looked the same like a wallpaper covering a room. The pattern was the same. All these possibilities clogged your brain. Is Dean ok? Would you get out of this? If you died what would happen to Dean? In general you couldn’t bare to think about what Dean would do if you died anyway. If you were being honest you knew that he’d go off the deep end with no one to catch him and pull him back. John was nowhere to be found. Lord knows your mom would never come help unless there was something in it for herself, and Sam was off at Stanford wanting nothing to do with any of you and wanting to leave his hunting past behind. He’d be completely alone. Left to his own devices with only the instinct to kill to take care of his pent up aggression. 

         The temperature was freezing the snow underneath the top layer. It caught onto the soles of your shoes mid thought. Time froze as you watched your body surge forward, hands out to brace your fall. Lydia had no problem with traction. She reached out in your absence of distance. Her claws tore through the fabric of your clothes and ripped the top layer of skin in a slash. A sharp pain pinched at your nerves and flared up all over your back, scratching out the prophecy burned into your back. Chunks of skin and muscle splashed onto the white snow coloring it red. The sensation in your upper back shoved the memory of the day you were called upon as a Slayer back into your mind. The burning. The disapproving looks from your mother and pity from John. The way Sam and Dean looked so confused and scared as to why you were screaming. The way your body never felt the same after that day. The disintegrating relationship between you and your mother. That was when it all started. 

        Your heart beat along with the bpm that of a dance song, in time and growing in speed. Before your hands felt the soft bed of the snow and before Lydia’s claws could latch onto your spinal columns, a metal snare snapped down on the wendigo’s ankle yanking her back and easily grabbing onto her gray skin to reveal off white bones. A high pitched screech echoed out of her throat. You joined her with a whimper, hitting the ground and rolling back onto your feet with the agility of a gymnast. Everything was moving past you in a blur and you had to act quickly. That snare could only hold her for so long. 

        Your feet carried you past Lydia searching for your road flare. You searched for any familiarity in the forest to no avail. The mountain was your only guide back. Nothing in the snow gave way for your road flare, the snow was getting heavier. No doubt that it was already covered. Fuck this you had to get to Dean. The pounding in your chest grew stronger, the opening of the cave you had previously come out of was in front of you. Your footsteps changed to a soft crunch to the clack and click of the rock cave. The string lights showed a shadow that climbed up the walls. 

        “Dean!” You ran into your partner. Dean was wearing the bullet proof vest holding the shotgun. You felt instant relief knowing that he made his way out. Dean felt quite the opposite. His throat tightened seeing your bleeding wounds. He should’ve been there. “Are you ok?” Dean’s eyebrows scrunched together, eyes looking directly into yours.

        “Am I ok? What happened to you?” Dean’s voice was low and dangerous. You took a moment to catch your breath and pull him into shelter. 

        “Well I met Rick’s daughter, she kinda sucks.” You offered a small smile. Dean shook his head and softly rolled his eyes. Your antics weren’t going to distract him today. His hands gently held onto your arm to inspect the gashes. His thumb brushed over the rip in the fabric to the skin underneath the break. A sinking pit formed where his heart was. Mother fucker every time you got hurt he was somewhere being helpless. Somewhere he shouldn’t have been. You had never been able to count on anyone in your life not even your own flesh and blood, Dean wanted to be the one person you could always go to for help. But he was never in the right place, always dicking off somewhere you weren’t. 

        “Yeah she seems like a real peach. Lemme see your back.” Dean put pressure on your shoulder to turn around. Your nerves shot up, making you snatch his wrist with a tight grip. Dean looked up confused, unfamiliar with this touch from you. He was about to respond when you interrupted him.

         “No! It’s fine- I’m good. Nothing’s gonna help me at the moment til we get back to the hotel. We should just find Lydia, kill her, and go home.” Dean paused for a moment, lips forming a small pout. Something seemed off about you, but now wasn’t the time to press. Once you two got back to the hotel then he could talk to you. After the call of The Slayer you had changed. You were more reserved and weighed down by self doubt. Even when it was just the kids you could never truly relax because at any second you could be pulled away from them to be in training with your mom at whatever local gym was in your area. 

        Your mother spent the bulk of your childhood beating off The Council of The Slayer. The only way she could truly prepare you for the world you were supposed to fight was to train you herself to the discipline of that of a drill sergeant. If you were born to kill evil you were going to do it her way. Your mother didn’t trust many, if any at all, but she would never trust The Council. It was the one thing she did right as a parent. The Council would never get their hands on you and she was determined to keep it that way. She was hard on you for a reason, among many bad ones, but the most prominent reason being that she would rather train you herself then let somebody else do it. You had to be strong enough to fight against the forces of evil and The Council. 

        What a grand fuck you to your mother it was when you joined them after high school. 

        The Council was an organization centered in England made up of Watchers. Generally The Watchers were tasked with finding and training The Slayer. Dean had only seen a Watcher once. It was in high school when you were waiting for him to pick you up. Sam was about twelve padding behind you when an unknown man in a suit came up to you. He spoke to you about the supernatural and how you were the chosen one to fight it. Dean swooped in to scare the guy off before he was able to finish his sales pitch. He never really knew much about Watchers or The Council as they were a very secretive group, but he did as much research as he could. Dean didn’t want you to have to face this alone. He never found out why your mom hated them so much, save for her abrasiveness to new people. Dean only got his answer when you found him in the middle of Montana. You came straight to him seeking a familiar face, your only source of comfort. 

        You looked tired, exhausted, like your body hadn’t gotten the chance to sit down for a century. Yet you still greeted him with a smile when you found him at a local bar. The first five minutes felt surreal, like a figment of Dean’s imagination to have you sitting here next to him after years of silence. It broke his heart the day you left, one by one everyone left his life to go find something better. Sam left for college, you left to escape your mother and join The Council, and John…. Well John was nowhere to be found and at this point Dean couldn’t force himself to care. 

        Dean thought of those years with John/by himself as the dark years. You two tried to stay in contact but it wasn’t the same. You explained at the bar everything that had happened when you left. Even hearing Dean’s voice reminded you of your less than perfect childhood. You still had moments of guilt for cutting him out. You wanted a fresh start where nobody knew who you were or what you were, but little did you know that it would catch up with you anyway. Originally you wanted to go to college, figure out what you wanted to do with your life and see what happened. You had even made a couple of friends, had a relationship. It didn’t last too long because the supernatural found you. 

        Once your new normal friends found out the truth, they couldn’t see past what you were at face value. Just a branch of demon. They cursed your name for the knowledge your life forcibly thrusted upon them. They didn’t want to know the secrets of the world, content staying in the Matrix. After that you gave up on living a normal life. You dropped out of college and disappeared into The Council. It was sort of like a job. You had a room in their compound, a place to train, and odd jobs around the world to take care of. It was nice for a little while to not be shunned for what you were. If anything they were ecstatic. The first few years were good, but over time they treated you less like a person and more like a tool. 

        They had complete control over your life, what you ate, how you spent your time, who you saw. This found family was turning into a cult. You had already left one overbearing mother, you weren’t about to let yourself get into a toxic relationship like that ever again. In the middle of the night you packed the bare essentials and set out to find Dean, following other hunter’s knowledge of his whereabouts like a signal. He could’t be more grateful that you found him, nursing a drink pondering his existence and why he was put on this Earth. 

        “Not to break up a beautiful moment, but shouldn’t you be at the bottom of a ravine?” The two of you turned to see Rick with a gun pointed at you. You pushed Dean behind you and stood your ground, eyes narrowed and unmoving. “I don't know what you are missy but it was a neat little trick you did to get out of my car, but none of that matters now.” Rick stood tall with a cocky smirk. He just had to finish the last step and he’d never have to see you two ever again. 

        “Better put that gun down before somebody gets hurt.” You spoke. You could feel Dean shuffling wanting to get in front of you.

        “Oh I don’t think I’m too worried about that.” The clanking of chains got louder from behind you, dragging on the rock floor. Dean looked behind him. Lydia’s form came into view, limping on her right side where the snare was still wrapped around her ankle like a bracelet. 

        “Shit….” Dean muttered tightening his grip on the shotgun. The road flare was in his back pocket, but if Rick saw him reach for it there’s no telling what he would do. You were caught in the middle of an insane cop and his monster daughter. If Dean shot at her, Rick would shoot at you…

        “Same time?” You asked Dean. He nodded. In a flash you hooked your right hand into Rick’s gun knocking it out of his hand and clanking to the ground. Dean pulled the trigger aiming at Lydia’s head. The slug hit her in an instant making her screech so loud the walls shook. You took a hold of Rick by his shirt and threw him into Lydia.

        “Lydia it’s me! It’s Dad!” Rick screamed as Lydia’s claws came closer to his throat. She tore into his body and splattered red painting the rocks. Lydia held no remorse for her actions digging deeper into her father’s body. Dean threw you the shotgun and took hold of his road flare. Without sparing a thought you held up the weapon and unloaded on Lydia. Flashes of bullets sparked in the cave. Lydia tossed aside Rick and turned her attention to you. 

        “Dean shoot it!” The hunter raised the road flare and pointed it at Lydia’s stomach. The flare launched out of the orange gun in a burst of red light hitting Lydia right in the gut. Her hands dug at the fusee in her stomach wailing in pain. The flare started to consume her clothing and burned orange. You continued to use every slug in the gun before you were empty. Lydia jerked around and fell to the floor as the fire grew larger using her body as a vessel. After a couple of moments of silence, Lydia stopped trying to move. 

        “Think she’s dead?” Dean asked.

        “Yeah….I think.” You said not wanting to get any closer to the wendigo. 

        “Let’s get the fuck out of here.”

~~~~~~

        You and Dean let the body continue to burn, it eventually caught onto Rick as well. The two of you slowly made your way back to the car Rick brought you in. No doubt that his police goons would recognize the car. Dean took driving responsibility and got you guys back to town in one piece. He dropped the car off at an abandoned Blockbuster store parking lot a little out of town. The rest of the way you two walked, knowing if you got an Uber that there would be a lot of questions. Thankfully baby was still there parked in front of Chrissy’s house. The leather seats were a warm welcome after all that crazy shit.

        The minute you were in the hotel you all but ran to the bathroom to look at the damage you sustained with a spare shirt in hand. The LED bathroom lights hurt your eyes as you flipped the switch. You shuffled in front of the mirror and shucked off your coat. The ruined item plopped onto the floor, blood dripping off of the rips and onto the white tiled floor. Your shirt joined it soon after. The only thing left was the thick white bandage you wrapped around your torso like a binder to conceal the brand on your back. Slowly you reached around and pulled your hair to the side.

        You strained your neck to inspect the slash, it pinched in pain as you turned your body. It was already healing up thanks to your Slayer abilities but it was definitely going to need some stitching if you were going to be on your feet soon. Unfortunately you would need help if you were going to get stitches. 

        …..ya know on second thought maybe bleeding for a couple of weeks wasn’t so bad

        “Hey you ok?” Dean’s muffled voice came through the door. You look at wound again and put a fresh shirt on. 

        “Uh, yeah I’m fine…” You opened the door slowly. Dean rose an eyebrow not believing a damn word you were saying. 

        “Let me see your back, it looked pretty bad in there.” You ignored Dean’s request and slipped past him to go to your bed. 

        “It’s fine, I’m ok.” 

        “(Y/N), there’s blood coming through your shirt just let me help.” Dean tried to hold onto your arm. Your heart started to beat faster as he pushed further. 

        nonononononono 

        “Dean I’m fine.” Your face twisted in discomfort.

        “No you’re not, why are you being so weird about this?” 

        “I’m not being weird!” You raised your voice stepping back again.

        “Then show me your back!” Dean’s volume matched yours.

        “No because you’ll see it!” Your chest was heavy as you looked at Dean. He tilted his head not quite understanding what you meant. You eyes were watering, tears threatening to spill over. You couldn’t look at Dean now. Your eyes looked at every inch of the room where he wasn’t. You were mentally preparing yourself for the talk you were going to have and the inevitable disappointment and resentment he would hold.

        “See what?” He softened his voice again. The air in the room stopped moving, it felt like  it was filled with styrofoam. A small choked whimper escaped the prison of your throat, two tears trickled down your cheek. You couldn’t do this again. If anybody else looked at you like your mom did the first time she saw it you didn’t think it would matter, but Dean? He was the last shred of family you had left. If he saw the prophecy burned into your back he would dump you like last weeks trash on the side of the curb without a second glance. 

        Usually Dean was a very open minded guy, always willing to hear somebody’s opinions and thoughts on a matter. But with demons and monsters his first instinct was to kill. It was never to ask them why they did the things they did or to try and help them. It was kill first ask questions later. 

        “The scar….I’m sure you’ve read about it, but when a Slayer gets called they get branded.” The sentence tumbled out of your mouth before you could process it. The truth needed to come out now. Rip the bandaid off. “You’ll know what I am and hate me just like my mom did.” Dean felt a pain in his chest. 

        “Sweetheart, I already know what you are. And I still love you, just let me help you.” Dean took a small step towards you, gauging your reaction to his distance. 

        “But you don’t, I’m a demon.” Dean scoffed and rolled his eyes harder than he ever did in life.

        “That is the biggest load of horse shit I have ever heard.” Dean crossed his arms and stood still. 

        “Dean a Slayer is infused with the heart, soul, and essence of a demon. Doesn’t that make me a branch of demon?” You questioned. He furrowed his brows, lips pulled down as he took in what you said. 

        “No? No.” Dean shook his head refusing to believe what you said. He waved his hands in the air to clear the slate. “It doesn’t matter what you are!” 

        You raised your eyebrows, holding back a sarcastic laugh. “Oh so there are exceptions? There are good monsters?” Dean flared his nostrils and glared at you.

        “No, the only good demon is a dead one. No demon would ever or has ever done anything good.”

        “Well then why am I a good demon? Why are you so quick to change your views? You’re contradicting yourself. You can’t just pick and chose which principles apply to demons.” For a moment you forgot about the scar and took a step towards Dean. He ran his rough palms over his face and pushed his hair back. 

        “Because I don’t care what you are! I don’t care about what the council of dick bags says you are, I don’t care what your mom thinks you are or what anybody thinks you are. Demon or not I still fucking love you, you moron. I. Don’t. Care.” Dean closed the gap between you two, toes touching on the cheap carpet. You looked away, another tear slipping out. 

        “If you see it….you’ll look at me the same way my mom did.” You swallowed thickly, releasing a shaky breath. Dean put his hand under chin and tilted your head up. He wiped away the tear with the pad of his thumb across your cheek.

        “Impossible.” He said tucking your hair behind your ear. “Now let me stitch you up before the news paper has to write the dumbest obituary ever.” You chuckled with him not yet moving from your place. You wanted to savor this moment, save the memory of how it felt to be this close to him so you could replay it when the inner voices of self doubt snuck into your brain at night. 

        “Oh yeah? What would it say?” Dean didn’t move either, still looking down at you. 

        “Stubborn Bitch Bleeds out to Death in a Skeezy Motel that has Definitely Given People STD’s before Because She was an Idiot and Didn’t Let a Handsome Mystery Man Help Her.” 

        “That’s far too long to be a headline.”

        “Shutup and get on the damn bed.”

        “You’ll never make it as a reporter.” 

_____________________________________________________________________

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[kenzieam]

Beauty and the Blackheart - Chapter Two

@jewels2876​​​  @moonbeambucky​​  @jeremyrennerfanxxxx123​​​  @iammarylastar​​​@captstefanbrandt​​​  @badassbaker​​​  @pinknerdpanda​​​  

I know I’m forgetting people, sorry. If you want in, hit me.

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Rating: M

Warnings: Language, general nuttiness, smut

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Okay, so......

Lev, the serious one, is visiting her wild-child twin brother, Clint. There she meets Bucky, a tall, dark, brooding mystery who’s her total opposite in every way. Of course, she’s intrigued even as her mind screams to run for safety, but what could go wrong, right??

***********************************************************************

Lev glanced up from the elevated counter in front of her and grinned as a familiar face pushed open the door and entered.

“Hey Spider,” she called, genuinely happy to see the man.

“Hey, little lady. How are you?” The biker called back, chains rattling as he moved.

“Getting by.”

“I see that, looking fine this morning, honey.”

Lev smirked mildly at him. A shameless flirt, Spider was harmless, totally devoted to his ol’ lady, Sparkle, but guaranteed to throw out little tidbits like this on the regular just to make the recipient red.

“Your head’s looking mighty shiny this morning, handsome.” Lev lobbed back, enjoying the now familiar game between her and the shop’s frequent flyer. He belonged to a genuine motorcycle club, yet still found time to pop into Blackheart every few days for something. Lev figured he liked the conversation, he and Clint got on like a house afire.

He tipped a salute then glanced over the front of the shop. “Buck around?”

“Haven’t seen him yet.” Lev had sort of fallen into the role of temporary front-end manager and had spent the last two weeks managing appointments, payments and supply ordering for Blackheart Ink.

Only a few days after Lev's arrival, Nat’s father, according to Nat a batshit old man who had no goddamn common sense, had fallen off a ladder while attempting to install a birdhouse on a towering pole in his backyard for her mother and broken a decent amount of bones. Also, according to Nat, her daddy, while having no sense of self-preservation, fortunately healed rather quickly from his varied injuries and boo-boos over the years. Regardless, Nat had been torn, with Lev offering to fill in at the shop so Nat could go home and help until her father was back on his feet.

After a few trying days, Lev found she liked helping, greeting and laughing with regulars, fielding phone calls, bantering with the boys.

Steve was hilarious, and an unapologetic big brother, displaying a heart-warming amount of concern and affection for Lev right from the start, like she was just another little sister, even defending her from her own twin sometimes, letting her hide behind him as Clint spazzed randomly, suddenly convinced that Lev needed a Sonic the Hedgehog tattooed on her wrist, or that she would look great with that new sparkly pink tongue post they’d just brought in and he’d chased her around the shop waving a clamp.

It was fun to add the big guy in on their games and life at the shop was never boring, Lev even found herself relaxing her stringent boundaries, the rules she usually lived by. She still was a long way off from her fun and free-spirited brother however, and never did that seem more obvious than the rare times Bucky interacted with her.

He remained a lurking shadow most of the time, loosening up around his friends and regular customers, but he seemed to have taken Lev stepping in to help as a personal attack, alternating between glowering at her and outright ignoring her.

In truth, Lev preferred being ignored, for when he did turn those intense eyes on her, Lev felt out of control, little sparks racing under her skin, a set of butterflies suddenly alive in her belly.

And wasn’t that just a big old hot mess.

They were polar opposites. Bucky seemed to live on coffee, while Lev limited herself severely. He smoked like a chimney, both tobacco and pot, while Lev had seen too many blackened lungs in Anatomy class to ever partake. The only green thing she’d seen near his mouth was the lettuce of the fast-food burgers he wolfed down, and he’d never even heard of edamame, staring at Lev’s lunch bento one day like it was toxic waste. In addition, he had a filthy mouth, peppering all conversations with liberal f-bombs, squinting in confusion at Lev when she grumbled something along the lines of ‘for Pete’s sake’ after spilling her water, not able to comprehend an exclamation that didn’t rhyme with ‘duck’.

He’d never outright said it to her, but the thought radiated from him like body heat, ‘what a fucking princess’.

And the girls! It seemed every night there was some new one strutting into the shop near closing, cooing his name, ready to head over to the bar down the street, then no doubt back to his house for wild sex.

They were all tall, hot and polished, wearing dresses wrapped tighter than ace bandages around their pert little asses and surgically enhanced breasts, eyeing Lev derisively as they passed her desk. Dismissing her with a sniff, already looking past her for the object of their attention.

Lev tried not to look, but Jesus, it seemed whenever Bucky would emerge from the back, having heard his newest siren’s call, that the woman would launch herself at him, start devouring his face and he just went with it. Catching them and slamming them against a wall, grabbing their faces to angle their mouths for a deeper kiss, making them moan and whimper his name.

Lev wondered idly if this was done for her benefit, if Bucky hated her so much that he was trying to make her uncomfortable enough to leave except for, beyond a derisive snort or slap on his shoulder, Steve and Clint seemed to be used to and tolerate his manwhore ways, or had at least learned to ignore them.

“You alright?” Steve had asked a few days ago, as Tiffany or Amber or who-the-fuck-ever swallowed Bucky’s tongue in full view of the desk, for the door to the supply room had swung back open after Bucky had slammed it shut while lurching inside with his newest spider monkey. His eyes trekked warily from the display back to Lev, forehead furrowed in concern as he studied her face. “I can tell him to fuck off, you know. He doesn’t need to be-”

“It’s fine.” Lev replied breezily, although she felt anything but. This wasn’t her permanent job, and Bucky was nothing and nobody to her. “It’s his shop.”

Steve studied her quietly, seemed about to say more. Sure, it was his shop and he’d been pulling this shit for years and Steve and Clint had learned to ignore it, but that didn’t make it right, especially with someone so… pure as Lev nearby.

“He’s-” Steve broke off, rubbing his chin. “Buck’s complicated-”

“He’s a whore.” Lev startled slightly, surprised at the venom behind her words. Again, WHY THE FUCK did it matter to her?

Steve shrugged, a hint of sadness curving his lips downward. He didn’t elaborate and Lev sensed there was a story there but it hardly mattered. Nat would be back soon, and Lev would go home and start practicing medicine for real and eventually she’d meet her own Prince Charming and Bucky could stay here, his cock rotting off from whatever STD he’d finally caught.

“Hey Spider.” A deep voice suddenly called, startling Lev out of her thoughts. Bucky lumbered into her peripheral, a genuine smile on his face as he greeted the other man. “Head on back, I’m all set up.” He gestured for Spider to pass then turned to face Lev. Any geniality in his voice died, all light left his eyes.

“You’re fucking up my appointments.”

Lev stared wordlessly, trying to think back on what she could have possibly messed up. Exasperated, Bucky strode to the elevated counter and reached over, his height making it easy and all but ripped the appointment book out from under her hands. He stabbed a thick finger at tomorrow’s first appointment.

“A memorial tat first thing in the goddamn morning?” He hissed.

Lev was thoroughly confused. ‘First thing’ at Blackheart was 11 am, how the hell was that the ass-crack of dawn?

“And a goddamn ‘memorial’ tattoo? What, some crying housewife wailing about her daddy dying? Wanting a set of angel wings and ‘always in my heart’ floating above it?”

Now Lev saw red. As a trauma resident, she dealt with death on the regular, grief was not something she took lightly.

“Fuck you.” She hissed, too angry to realize what she’d just said, for one of the first times in her buttoned-up life. “A memorial tattoo isn’t hardcore enough for you? You’re too fucking hungover from the night before to make it in that early, when the rest of the civilized world has been up and contributing to society for hours already? Or are you just too sore from fucking whatever whore you dragged home? These are important to people, Bucky. It’s family that they don’t have anymore and they’re trusting you to immortalize what they’ve lost! In my opinion there’s no greater honor to imbed something like that permanently into someone’s skin! You don’t want any bullshit angel wings any more then fucking tell me like a decent fucking person, you fucking dickhead!” She slammed her hand down on the book to illustrate, the sound sharp like a slap in the silent room.

Lev broke off, breathing hard, her pulse racing. She’d never, never lost control like that before and she’d just sworn more in the last two minutes than she had her whole adult life.

Bucky eyed her appraisingly, he didn’t look mad per se, but she’d definitely surprised him, and he looked torn between snarling back and just ignoring her again.

His lip twitched and Lev expected him to open his mouth and start bellowing but he grinned. It was fast, gone in a flash as though it had escaped in a moment of weakness but, for a heartbeat, he’d done something other than glower at her.

“Duly noted, princess.” He drawled, then the curtain seemed to fall over his eyes and Lev became the invisible girl again, staring after him in shock as he turned and strode away, slamming the door of his room behind him.

****************************************************************************

The next morning Lev shifted her weight nervously, fingers curling as she studied the appointment book. The memorial client Bucky had chewed her out for yesterday was due any minute and Lev didn’t know what to do. Bucky hadn’t expressly told her he wouldn’t do the tat, so she couldn’t move the woman to another artist, but she was awfully tempted to head off the lady the moment she walked in with some excuse about Bucky needing to cancel last minute and saving her from dealing with him and his shitty attitude.

While she regretted her loss of temper and foul language, Lev didn’t regret tearing a strip off the man yesterday. Bucky had needed a wake-up call but the way he’d reacted still made her shiver and she wasn’t sure if it was a good or bad thing. The door chimed as it opened and Lev inhaled sharply, trying to decide what to do. The woman was older middle-aged, soft and wholesome looking, greying hair in a low bun, the very last person you’d expect to get inked.

Great, not only was this woman here for a memorial tattoo, but it was most likely her first one. What an introduction, being shepherded into the world of body art by King Asshole himself.

This wasn’t her business, this wasn’t even her real job, she had no right or power to do anything about it but she couldn’t let this woman walk into her appointment thinking Bucky was going to give her his best when he’d already shown he wouldn’t.

“Hello, I know you’re here for-”

“Good Morning.” A honeyed voice overrode hers and Lev startled, snapping her head sideways. Bucky appeared in her peripheral vision, smiling charmingly.

“You must be my eleven o’clock.”

The woman actually giggled, already enchanted and Lev gaped, stunned by the turn of events. Where the hell was the growling, miserable bastard she’d dealt with yesterday? Who’d ignored her all day after their angry encounter?

Had he trimmed his beard?

Lev didn’t even realize he owned a pair of jeans that didn’t have holes in them, yet this pair looked…. Good. Shit, she hadn’t really paid attention before, put off by his general aura, but Bucky had an amazing pair of thighs, muscular and straining his jeans in the best way. And don’t even get her started on the way his plain black t-shirt stretched over his chest, back and shoulders.

Jesus.

Lev winced, shocked by her internal monologue as Bucky gestured the woman past him, flicking an indecipherable glance at Lev before following her to his room, the door closing quietly behind him. Within moments, one of Bucky’s more mild playlists began to play lowly, filling the air with the mellow first notes of ‘Crying Shame’ by The Teskey Brothers.

The phone rang then, jarring Lev from any more speculation and she nearly dropped the receiver before answering, cheeks flushing with embarrassment.

“Blackheart Ink and Body Mod, this is Lev, how can I help you?”

***************************************************************************

The surrealness continued, with none of Bucky’s usual hard rock/metal music, instead James Blunt’s ‘Bonfire Heart’ following ‘Crying Shame’ and Lev wondered what the hell was going on. Clint, who unlike his friend, had no trouble working early, had been in his room since 9:30, working on a special client currently on leave who wanted an intricate sleeve done before he was deployed again, merely grabbing a second can of Monster from the back fridge this morning to tide him over and Lev didn’t expect to see him for another few hours still. Steve wasn’t due in until 2 or 3 o’clock, having taken the morning off and there were no walk-ins yet to worry about.

She busied herself for a bit cleaning the display case for body jewelry and a tiny little voice in the back of her mind began to muse about what it would be like to maybe, just maybe, pop her cherry and get a piercing. Lev literally had none to speak of, not even her ears were pierced, and she had found herself wondering more and more in the last week what it would be like to sit for the needle, feel Bucky’s breath on her face as he leaned close to mark the place on her skin, the quiet concentration setting his jaw just so; for while Bucky was a bastard, he took body piercing seriously and never seemed to show attitude, even for basic ones, the giggling girls queuing up for naval studs, or nose rings.

Bucky’s new playlist continued, and Lev was pleasantly surprised by the contents. Was this a hidden side she hadn’t seen yet, or was he in some way taking the piss?

Her thoughts were so jumbled around this man and she hated feeling confused. But either way, regardless of what she thought and felt, it didn’t matter. She was leaving soon, going back to her real life and, even if she wasn’t, they were too different.

He was fire, she was ice.

What business did a doctor have with a tattoo artist, and she didn’t mean any kind of bullshit class structure. They were literally opposite ends of the spectrum, a deductive job of reasoning and knowledge versus one of artistic talent and freedom.

And, even if their careers were somehow compatible, their personalities definitely were not. Lev felt vaguely inferior around Bucky, as if by foregoing fun for structure made her less than him somehow. He looked down on her, dismissed her as a princess, and while she wasn’t free from guilt, believing him to be mannerless prick, she couldn’t shake the disappointment of somehow having failed with Bucky.

The door to Bucky’s room opened suddenly, and Lev startled, looking up to see that an hour had already passed, before realizing that the woman was in tears.

Oh shit.

Lev felt a bolt of panic, eyes wide, as her mind raced. What had he said to her?

The woman headed her way, with Bucky trailing slowly behind and Lev braced herself, words of apology jumbling in her mind. But, as she approached, Lev saw that the woman was smiling through her tears, it was a joyful crying, not a sorrowful one.

“Look,” the woman called. Reaching for Lev she turned to expose the back of her shoulder, pointing excitedly. “Isn’t it beautiful?”

Lev looked down, down to the woman’s pale, soft skin. Although covered by a clear bandage, Lev could see that, indeed, the tattoo was beautiful. A trio of African Violets, so realistic and lifelike, with the simple word, ‘Forever’ underneath. While not a huge tattoo, it looked like a goddamn picture, three-dimensional and perfect; easily the most beautiful ink Lev had ever seen.

“My husband loved violets; I grew them for him. Our house and garden were full.” The woman sniffled, pulling a tissue from her pocket. Bucky had stepped to within a few feet of the women and, if Lev had looked up, she would have noticed that he was locked on her, watching her every reaction to this woman and her story. “After he died…. I couldn’t grow them anymore. Not that I didn’t want to, but I literally couldn’t. They wouldn’t grow for me anymore, its like he took them with him when he left.” She sniffled, hard, and Lev felt like crying herself. “These are my violets now; I get to keep them with me forever.”

Lev swallowed her tears, knowing that if she started, she’d never be able to finish for, even though she was serious and disciplined, in her heart of hearts, she secretly wanted a love like what this woman had had too, a connection that transcended death. A tear escaped anyway, trailing down her cheek and she wiped at it before it started a tsunami.

“That’s wonderful.”

The woman smiled, looking suddenly lighter, a glow about her. “I have to go; I must show my daughter!” She whirled and, before anyone could react, grabbed Bucky in a tight hug. If he was surprised, he hid it well, hugging her back and whispering something to her, then pulling away almost brusquely. He held up two fingers to Lev, indicating his fee then whirled, disappearing back into his room.

“What a lovely man.” The woman gushed, following a stunned Lev as she returned to the counter. “So gentle and polite! He listened to me ramble and gave me exactly what I wanted. My daughter will be in next, just you watch, wanting the same thing!” She added on a huge tip, and all but floated out of the shop, leaving a gobsmacked Lev in her wake.

Lev stared at the money for a beat, then carefully divided it, adding to the till the shop’s cut before stacking the rest in the little pirate’s treasure chest marked ‘Barnes’ hidden under the edge of the counter. Taking a pencil, she crossed out the appointment in the book then just stood there for a moment, unsure what to do next.

But before she could figure out her next move, Lev felt heat at her back, a body move close. She froze, realizing Bucky stood directly behind her, his chest inches from her back and her heart started galloping. His spicy masculine musk surrounded her as he lowered his head over her shoulder, some of the hair that escaped his man bun brushing her cheek.

She held her breath, feeling a crazed mix of fear and exhilaration. Was he going to yell at her, kiss her?

He paused, as if savouring the moment, or maybe the scent of Lev’s fear and breathed out. His exhale was slightly unsteady, as if it pained him then he spoke, his voice so low that she wouldn’t have been able to hear him if he weren’t mere inches away.

“You were right.”

[andyl394]

ALL OF EM YOU KNEW THIS WAS COMING

I DID I KNEW IT WAS I JUST DIDN’T THINK I’D BE SECONDS AFTER I REBLOGGED THIS BUT DAMN. 

@breadgenie892:  For be nosy all 👁👄👁 

 you mean i’m answering here too

1. What’s your sexual orientation?

I’m pansexual, but I usually respond bisexual depending on who asks me.

2. What are you obsessed with right now?

CRIMINAL MINDS AND CODY KO(don’t ask pls, pls don’t ask)

3. Ever done any drugs?

Neva. 

4. What piercings do you want?

NIPPLE PIERCINGS BABEEEEE and a tongue piercing.

5. How many people have you kissed?

Can’t remember, tbh. 16? Maybe more can’t remember

6. Describe your dream home.

A little cottage in the woods, or a studio in the city.

7. Who are you jealous of?

I’m not really a jealous person, tbh.

8. What’s your favorite show to binge?

Sugar Rush, Zumbo’s just deserts and One Day at a Time.

9. Do you watch porn?

yup.

10. Do you have a secret sideblog?

Nop, i wouldn’t be able to keep it a secret.

11. If you could teleport anywhere in the world right now, where would you go?

To kiss my girlfriend @binkysteebnpewter, to hug @breadgenie892, and to my brother.

12. What’s one of your fantasies?

hehe as in? If it’s fantasy/dream, Idk to be famous? Even though I’d probably hate it

13. Do you have/would you get your nipples pierced?

I WANT TO AND I WILL THIS YEAR.

14. How would you spend a million dollars?

Part of it I’d help my brother, part of it I’d spend building a home for me and my friends and the rest I’d donate.

15. Are you in a relationship?

YES, WITH MY BABY @binkysteebnpewter

16. Do you follow porn blogs?

Nop.

17. Are you angry with anyone right now?

I’m angry w god for... reasons.

18. What tattoos do you want?

I want plenty, I want some Latin phrases, I want a drawing I made and some others.

19. If you could change your name, would you? What would you change it to?

Not really, I like it, even if it’s the female variation of my shitty father’s name.

20. What is something you’re obsessed with?

Besides my girlfriend who I simp for constantly??? Maybe Assassin’s creed.

21. Describe your best friend.

She’s so smart and driven, I look up to her a lot. 

22. Tag someone you think is hot.

@binkysteebnpewter no fucking doubt? She’s so hot, so gorgeous. 

23. Who are five of your favorite bands/musical artists?

Arctic Monkeys, Sam Tinnesz, Shawn James, Hozier and Chase Atlantic

24. What are three places you want to travel?

To Grace’s arm/wherever she is, London and a small french village I can’t remember the name of rn.

25. Describe your perfect Friday night.

Ooooh, it’s me sleeping after talking to Grace and the fam.

26. What’s your favorite season?

Winter, bc I can cover up as much as I can.

27. What’s your pet peeve?

People not being supportive.

28. Who is the funniest person you know?

Ok I love my whole fam, but you’re the funniest, frog. 

29. What’s the most overrated movie?

Pulp Fiction.

30. Tag someone you want to talk to but have been too shy to message.

hmmm, I don’t think there’s anyone.

31. Do you like paper books or ebooks better?

paper books, because my vision is not 20/20 but I used to read more ebooks;

32. If you could live in a fictional world, what world would you pick?

Probably marvel? And the Percy Jackson one? PROBABLY? BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE I’D SUFFER A WHOLE LOT IN THEM UNIVERSES;

33. If money was no object, what would your wardrobe be like?

oooh, I think the ones I usually use. Black shirt and black pants, perhaps some nices boots, but other than that, I can’t think of anything else.

34. What’s your coffee order?

Depending on the day, black coffee w lots of sugar or a caramel frappuccino

35. Do you have a crush on anyone?

my baby Grace. Legit. She makes me blush every single day.

36. Do you still have feelings for any of your exes?

Besides hatred for the shit I went through, no. 

37. Have any tattoos?

Yah, one is on my collarbone, it’s a heart with a moon, other it’s a rose on my inner upper-arm, and the last (my biggest) it’s on my right shoulder, they’re roses with a little serpent going to my chest.

38. Do you drink?

Not exactly.

39. Are you a virgin?

that’s classified and locked on tRaUmA babyyyyy

40. Do you have a crush on any of your mutuals?

My girlfriend who I love very much

41. How many followers do you have?

3.151 (HOLY SHIT I MIGHT CRY FR)

42. Describe the hottest person you know.

Again, my girlfriend who I simp for so much.

43. What’s your guilty pleasure?

It’s twillight and editing videos.

44. Do you read erotica?

I mean, in fics and in some books (if some spicy scenes are considered erotica.)

45. What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?

OHOHOHOH LET ME TELL U. actually i can’t bc it’s triggering but not that much, but lemme tell u, I had to do the whole “my mom is sick” move and literally sprint through a busy street to get to an uber. This men wanted me to ride on his bike. to take me to a secondary location. aFTER HE DRANK SO MANY BEERS IN FRONT OF ME. anyways, it was sucky bc of sum stuff but he blocked so we cool.

46. How many people do you follow?

361 blogs!

47. If you could marry any celebrity, who would you pick?

I mean... Hehe Chris Evans, prob. He looks like he’d be a cool husband idk.

48. Describe your ideal partner.

Ginger, 5′7, pretty, has glasses, can lift 140lb bale of hays, is Grace, uuuh, is funny and smart and a perfect and is Grace. 

49. Who do you text the most?

Grace and the fam.

50. What’s your favorite kind of weather?

Cold and a little bit rainy.

[ladyoutlier]

Here Today Gone Tomorrow

In which God drunkenly restarts the universe and Aziraphale and Crowley find themselves in the role of Adam and Eve. 

[Read on AO3] |  [Read My Other Fics]

Chapter 1: Take it from the Top

God really thought Armageddon would do it. She really thought that after 6000 years of buildup, surviving the End of the World would’ve pushed her OTP into pure, raw romance. But that’s not what happened. Sure, they were closer now than ever. They fully embraced being on their own side. They awaited a future together. Them against the world. But they still hadn’t so much as hugged not to mention something as simple as saying I love you. The world had almost been destroyed, and they still weren’t together together!

They were still playing their little dance that they had been since literally the beginning of time, and God was quite done with being subtle. She was going to do something about it, but first, she was going to get mad drunk. 

Now, a drunk God is a really, really scary thing. Absolutely anything can happen. Suddenly, gravity works in a completely different way. The less mass an object has, the greater its gravitational pull. Or maybe a new species gets invented. That is how the platypus came into existence after all. Alcohol and God is simply not the most calming of combos. And this time… oh it was something to be very scared of, indeed.

God had drank roughly an ocean full of liquor when She decided on a plan. “Fuck it!” She cried, stumbling over a pile of creation dust. “If they won’t just get to—together on their own. I. Me, I’ll just do what I did with the hu—hum… monkey people. Garden all to themselves. Only them. Take it from the top!”

And with that, God pulled the great big lever that reset the entire universe.

*

Aziraphale woke in a garden absolutely and completely naked. The name Adam, circled in his head as if he was for some reason now meant to be called that. Poppycock, he thought. That name isn’t fitting at all.

This was quite the bizarre scenario. He was sure he had been in his bookshop the night before. He and Crowley had shared quite a few drinks celebrating the averted Apocalypse. Now, he was quite definitely not there. To add to the strangeness of the whole thing, he had never slept before in his life, and yet, he had most definitely awoken here. In Eden.

Eden? Why did he want to call this Eden? And why did he think the name Adam belonged to himself? This couldn’t be Eden. It hadn’t existed for thousands of years! He sat up, blades of grass tickling his naked skin as he moved. This wouldn’t do at all. He snapped his fingers, and his familiar outfit returned to him.

This was Eden; he was sure of it. The plant life. The looming surrounding wall. He was in Eden and suppose to be Adam. How ridiculous! This must be a dream. He had never slept before, but he must have now. Only that could explain this absolute absurdity. A faint breathing took his attention back down to the ground beside him.

Oh. Oh, he most definitely was dreaming. On the ground beside him, nearly touching him, was Crowley who was sporting his birthday suit just as much as Aziraphale had moments ago. He was Adam, and Crowley was… Eve. He was supposed to be Eve. Oh, this had to be a dream.

Before the angel could think another thought, the demon stirred awake. He blinked his eyes several times in a confused manner before he spoke. “Ad—Aziraphale, why in the name of Satan is the name Eve floating about my head? And why did I almost call you Adam?” He took the same wild look around that Aziraphale had moments ago. “And why are we in bloody Eden?”

“So, you’re just as confused as I am, and this isn’t a dream?”

“I’d think not. Unless we’re both having the same one.” 

Aziraphale stared at him. As peculiar as the situation had found itself, it hardly worked as a distraction from Crowley’s current, ahem, lack of clothing.

“Wot?” The demon glanced down to himself. “Oh for the love of—” He snapped his fingers in a rather hasty, upward movement, and his signature style returned to him. He looked back to Aziraphale with a rather exasperated expression. “As if it’s not something you’ve seen before.”

“Oh, yes. Quite right. Bigger things to attend to. Or not bigger. Poor word choice. More important, yes. Like what’s going on.” The angel quickly stood and brushed himself off before charging into the wilderness in front of them.

“Right…” Crowley drawled on, still baffled by, well, everything. He took a moment to raise an eyebrow to Aziraphale’s words before tailing him into the wild.

Somewhere on an ethereal plane, God, in a drunken slur, cursed. She hadn’t really been listening to anything that was said. If She had, maybe She would’ve controlled Her rage a bit more. As it was, all She was able to register was that they both had put their clothes back on much too quickly.

Aziraphale and Crowley walked in silence for a few minutes, pushing past leaves and branches as they delved deeper into Eden. Every detail down to the pebbles half-buried in the dirt was completely accurate to the Eden the two of them remembered from 6 millennia earlier. But why it existed now and why they were here was a complete and utter mystery.

“So do you have a plan or are we just taking a nice stroll through Eden for the scenery?” Crowley asked, swatting the branch of a fruit tree out of the way.

“Ah, well, no. I figured exploring our surroundings would be more effective than just sitting in the same spot completely baffled. As for a specific plan, I haven’t got one.”

“Think it’s some trick? Some dastardly plan from Above and Below given their inability to kill us?”

“I don’t know how they would manage a thing like this. Something as large scale as this could only be accomplished...”

“By the Almighty.”

“Indeed.”

That was a horrifying realization. The Almighty hadn’t directly interfered with the world since Noah built his ark or since Jesus lived. To even consider that God had altered the world so much, especially with the knowledge that the End of the World was supposed to be the day before… it invoked shivers.

Crowley rather fumbled with his words as his mind raced on laps ahead of his mouth. A series of fragmented sentences was all he was able to verbalize. “But God can’t have—I mean why would She—what purpose would it—and us as Adam and Eve. Why?”

“I don’t know. Um, careful with the questions, Crowley. You know where they lead.”

“What? Going to Fall again, am I?”

“No, I mean that you’re supposed to be Eve. Eve hasn’t taken from the Tree of Knowledge yet.”

“What the Hell are you on about? Is another me going to show up? Hardly need that. I’m a bigger sinner than Eve could ever dream of being. Don’t need some pathetic fruit to prove that. And—” He waved his arms about wildly. “With that logic, we should both be walking around with a lot more bare skin exposed. Adam and Eve were hardly all that modest before eating the apple. Rather not do that though. Mosquitoes are more Hell incarnate than demons are. I’d say we’re in the post-apple stage if anything.”

Aziraphale absorbed Crowley’s words. A rather frustrated wrinkle appeared on his brow. “I must say, none of this really makes any sense.”

“You think?!?” the demon huffed, stomping in a quick circle. “We save the world one day and wake up the next to find it reverted back to day one. Gabriel really was an idiot for his God doesn’t play games with the universe remark. Complete knob head.”

“Where do you think he is?”

“Dunno. Up in Heaven I presume. Why should I care?”

“If we’ve found ourselves in a new role… perhaps the rest of the universe has as well.”

“That sure would make an even bigger mess of things, but it’s not like they deserve it any less than we do.”

“Deserve would imply that we did something wrong. That the Almighty is punishing us. If that’s the case, I have no clue what for.”

“Yeah, crazy to think God would punish us and not explain what for. Completely out of character that. She probably just got piss faced.” Crowley took a few steps back and faced the sky. “She can bloody well just put it all back now!”

“Crowley! You can’t just yell things like that!”

“Why the blasted Hell not? Earth was the only thing we had going for us, and now it’s gone swirling down the porcelain throne.”

“The Almighty seems to be paying more attention now than ever. You might have been able to get away with such blasphemy before, but now She might be a bit more, um, testy.”

“If She wanted me to be all holier than thou, then She shouldn’t have left me a demon when She reset the world.” He grabbed Aziraphale’s shoulder. “You should be pissed too. She took everything away. Everything. Remember that little talk we had before we decided to avert the Apocalypse? All those human luxuries that were worth saving? All that’s gone. No more fine wine, sushi dinners, cars. Your books are gone, Aziraphale. All of ‘em. Just like that.”

“They—they’re just physical things. Nothing I can’t live without.” Despite his words, the angel’s expression said otherwise.

“How can you say that? This isn’t some minor inconvenience like if a waiter brought you the wrong dish. Everything’s screwed.”

“We still have each other.”

And that was a comment that Crowley couldn’t argue with. He released Aziraphale and scratched the back of his head. “Yeah. Yeah guess so. That’s something. More than something.”

“We’ll figure out what’s going on. Fix it if we can.”

“And if we can’t.”

“Learn to live with it. What else could we do?”

“Challenge God?”

“That sounds like a good way to turn a bad scenario into a worse one.”

Crowley shrugged in mild agreement. “Hasn’t worked out well for me in the past.”

“I guess the next step would be to find somebody, so we can properly determine the extent of the problem.”

As if God Herself heard that (She didn’t. She was too busy fighting the cork off a bottle of wine to be bothered by Her failure of an OTP.), someone showed up.

“Eve. Oh, Eve. Aren’t you getting hungry?” a rather familiar ribity voice asked.

Crowley about choked on absolutely nothing upon hearing that. He and Aziraphale turned to the source of the voice. Pitch black eyes of a rather enormous frog stared back at them from a rather prickly bush. Although this particular demon wasn’t known for this particular form, Crowley recognized him nonetheless.

“No!” Crowley whined. “They didn’t get you to do my job, did they? Ugh, a real classless act. No style.”

The frog that was Hastur, Duke of Hell, leapt out from the bush and transformed back into his more humanly appearance, wearing a night dark robe. “It’s your own fault, Crowley. You betrayed us. Of course you lost your job.”

“Yeah, but you? Literally any other demon would’ve been a better fit.”

That seemed to hit exactly the nerve Crowley intended. Hastur narrowed his eyes. “You’re lucky I’m only supposed to get you to eat the apple. Otherwise, humanity might’ve not had a future this time around.”

“Wait. So many questions. You’re just fine with this strange world reset thingy? And what’re you on about with that humanity’s future bit.”

“Ha. Like I’m telling you anything, traitor.”

“Sorry to intrude on this reunion,” Aziraphale, who had been watching silently, now spoke up. “But I must insist, whoever you are, that you tell us what you know.”

Hastur turned his attention to the angel. The frog on his head caught a fly from the air. “I don’t take orders from those Upstairs. You’ll have to go to one of your own for answers. Although, I heard they’re more of Hell than Heaven nowadays.”

“Explain yourself!”

A sly smile grew from Hastur’s lips. “You haven’t heard? Archangel Gabriel has found himself, ah, demoted. His position has been taken over by Lord Beelzebub.”

Crowley burst into a fit of laughter. He heavily leaned on a tree for support. “Even though that’s obviously a bald-faced lie, it’s absolutely hilarious.”

“Don’t believe me? Why don’t you ask him yourself? Heard his new job was guarding the Eastern Gate.” Hastur gave a quick smug glance to Aziraphale before looking back to Crowley. “And do eat the apple before you go. It is part of your job as much as it is mine.”

Crowley plucked an apple from the tree. “Angel, let’s go meet the new you then.”

“Yes,” Aziraphale replied, still eyeing Hastur rather warily. “Perhaps he will be more willing to provide answers.”

Two pairs of wings, one black and one white, entered this earthly plane and appeared on their respective angel’s and demon’s backs. With a forceful take off, Aziraphale and Crowley took flight to the east, leaving the Duke of Hell behind on the ground below. Crowley tossed the apple in his hand a few times before chucking it at the shrinking form of Hastur.

“You might’ve got my job,” he called down. “But that doesn’t mean I’ll help you do it!”

God snorted off wherever She was. Either She had finally drank enough to become slap happy, or She had forgotten how funny of a stubborn bastard She had made Crowley. Honestly, it was likely a bit of both.

*

Crowley forgot how clean the air was in the beginning. The sky of Eden felt a whole lot healthier than the 6000 year old one of yesterday. Of course, it hardly mattered as the demon didn’t do much flying back in modern day. It just wasn’t worth the miracle it would take to alter people’s memory after a nice flight.

“Crowley, who was that? One of your old coworkers obviously, but which one in particular?”

“Hastur, Duke of Hell. Although guess he’d have my old name if we’ve got Adam and Eve’s. Crawly. Ugh, can’t believe I went by that as long as I did.”

“For confusion’s sake, let’s just address everyone by their proper names. I prefer to think of the new names as a bestowment of a role rather than a replacement identity. I rather like being me.”

“Works for me. Don’t think I could call anyone else Aziraphale beside you anyways.”

As the Eastern Gate neared, it became obvious that there was indeed someone guarding it. A winged figure grew into view, but this individual didn’t have just two wings as Aziraphale and Crowley did. No, this person had six, three layered on each side. Only a few specific angels had wings like this, and all of them were Archangels.

“Do you suppose that Hastur fellow was being honest?” Aziraphale asked in response to seeing the Archangel’s form.

“It’d be a first for him,” was the extent of Crowley’s reply.

They landed on the Wall. A wave of uncomfortable deja vu flooded through Aziraphale. This was all like a memory but one that was corrupted by a nightmare. There indeed was a Guardian of the Eastern Gate, and it most certainly wasn’t him but rather Archangel Gabriel just as Hastur had said. The Archangel even sported the same robe that Aziraphale had worn all those years ago. However, unlike Aziraphale, Gabriel still wielded his flaming sword.

“Gabriel,” Aziraphale called rather hesitantly. He was hardly comfortable around the Archangel considering he had sentenced him to death just the day before. “Would you mind explaining what’s going on?”

Gabriel turned to face them with his infamous false-happy grin plastered to his face. He looked less than surprised to see them.  “Uh, obviously the Almighty was upset that The End of the World didn’t go off as intended, so She reset the whole universe to make it happen this time. And we all got new jobs because of our failure to perform, duh.” He shook his head as if Aziraphale was the most stupid being he’s ever come across.

“That—that’s hardly a logical deduction!” 

“Do you think this happening after you and your demon pal’s mess up is just a coincidence? This is a direct result of your actions, Aziraphale. Although I guess that name is mine now.” Gabriel’s smile turned rather bitter.

“Yeah, he’ll be keeping his name.” Crowley took a step between the two angels. “And if God really got all pissy that the end times didn’t kick off, She could’ve jump started them Herself. Would’ve cost roughly the same amount of energy as doing this!”

“Back off, demon,” Gabriel replied, pointing his sword towards Crowley. “Sure, holy water left you unscarred, but I doubt this will.”

God abandoned the bottle of wine She had been nursing and instead summoned a bag of freshly popped popcorn. Now, this was entertainment: the demon acting as a shield between his love and Gabriel. Maybe this plan was working out.

“There’s no need for violence!” Aziraphale cried, pulling Crowley back to his side. “I think we can all agree that we’re quite unhappy with our given arrangement and would like things to return to normal. Can we not agree to that?”

“Yes. I think we can all agree to that.” Hastur’s voice caused both Aziraphale and Crowley to turn around rather quickly. The Duke of Hell had joined them on the Wall, black smoke still pooling from where he landed.

“Funny. Thought you would love this, Hastur,” Crowley replied, sauntering over. “You get all of Satan’s fun jobs this go about.”

“I don’t enjoy the idea of living in your shadow for the next 6000 years.”

“And I thought you said Lord Beelzebub has taken over Gabriel’s role. That seems more than advantageous for Hell. Why would you want to give that up unless, of course, you were lying?” Aziraphale asked in a very passive aggressive tone.

“Oh, I’ve got the answer for that one,” Gabriel answered. “Beezy’s not that well off up there. They may have stolen my job, but they are very much still vulnerable to holy water, and oh, we’ve got a lot of it up there.”

“You didn’t kill them did you?!?” Hastur growled, charging directly up to Gabriel.

“Ah, no not going to answer that one. Now back away, demon, or I can assure you that you’ll never find out.”

Gabriel waved the sword between himself and Hastur. The Duke of Hell backed up in a rather quick fashion with a less than intimidating expression on his face.

“If it was my choice, of course I would’ve chosen to keep my old job over something as lowly as this.” Gabriel turned to speak to Aziraphale. His sword, however, remained pointed at Hastur. “But this was the Almighty’s decision. Do you really want to go against God’s Plan, Aziraphale? Are you left with any faith or has your demon left you with none?”

“Of course I trust the Almighty!” Aziraphale replied, taking a step forward. “But just as I believed that She didn’t wish to destroy the world, I can’t imagine She wanted us all to be so unhappy. Wanted to undo everything that’s been done.”

Gabriel lowered the sword and approached Aziraphale, halting just a few inches in front of him. “This isn’t permanent. Is that what you think? That God has done this for good? Honestly? You really should’ve spent more time Upstairs when you had a chance. Could’ve picked up on some things. No, this is obviously some kind of test, and once we pass, everything goes back to normal.”

“If it is so obvious, could you please inform the rest of us on what exactly this test involves?” Aziraphale asked, still staring the Archangel in the eyes. He leaned ever so slightly forward into Gabriel’s personal space. Just a few days ago, he would’ve never dreamed of speaking to a superior in such a strict, demanding way, but the End of the World had changed all that.

“Just do your job well,” Gabriel replied with a shake of his head. “The Almighty gave us new ones for a reason. So do good work. Get rewarded. In this case, everything goes back to normal. Simple.”

“Wait,” Crowley began with a hand on his hip. “Your idea of what’s going to fix all this is for us all to pretend to be someone else as if we were actors putting on a play for God? That’s what’s going to put everything back to normal?”

“Well, don’t just copy what’s already been done. Do it better. Like how I’m holding onto this sword and not losing it. Make improvements like that.”

“Improving Crowley’s work is far from a difficult task.” Hastur said, still keeping his distance. His petrification from Gabriel’s threats may have worn off, but the lesson remained learned.

“Really? Can’t wait to see how you handle that,” Crowley replied, not even bothering to turn around.

“Any other demon would’ve been a better fit...” Hastur responded, throwing Crowley’s own words back in his face.

Aziraphale rolled his eyes at the two bickering demons before looking back at Gabriel. “How are we supposed to do a more outstanding job than Adam and Eve? Can you even improve upon a job with no criteria?”

“Uh, not my problem. You two need to figure out how to make a human together or something. You’re the Earth expert. Not me.” The Archangel gestured to Eden below. “For starters, I’d get back down there. Adam and Eve lived in the garden. Not on the Wall surrounding it.”

“Is that actually all you’re going to give us?”

“Uh, yeah. I really don’t like you.” Gabriel’s eye twitched. “Now go. And take the demon with you. Both of them actually if you can.”

Aziraphale huffed. “Come on, Crowley. I’m rather done here.” He grabbed the demon’s hand, which was currently flipping off Hastur, before he could reply and jumped off the Wall with him.

They freefalled for a moment before catching the wind and soaring back up into the air. They only heard a few final words as they left the Eastern Gate to return to Eden below.

“I think we’re scheduled for a talk, Archangel.”

A demon and an angel stood on the Wall of Eden, but it very much so was the wrong angel and demon. A thunderstorm rumbled in the sky. It would be the first rain of the new world, yet there would be no act of kindness shared up on the Wall during it. All of the kindness would be left down in the greenery of Eden this time around. But God didn’t mind. She was instead rather captivated by Crowley and Aziraphale holding hands as they soared through the air.

[Chapter 2]

[benreillyscarletspider]

Red Dwarf Series One Starter Sentences

“Have you ever been hit over the head with a welding mallet?”

“The only reason they don't give this job to the service robots is they've got a better union than us.”

“You touch that guitar, [name], I'll remove the E string and garrote you with it.”

“ Can I do anything? Is it OK if I breathe? Can I breathe?”

“This is not cheating! It's merely an aid to memory. Helps me marshal the facts already in my command.”

“What does this mean? What does any of it mean? I've covered my body in complete and utter and total absolute nonsense gibberish!”

“Although you exist, you no longer exist in time, and, for you, time itself does not exist. You see, although you're still a mass, you are no longer an event in space-time; you are a non-event mass with a quantum probability of zero.”

“I've been on my own for three million years, and I'm just used to saying what I think. I think I've gone a bit peculiar, to tell you the truth.”

“ Never again will I be able to brush a rose against my cheek, cradle a laughing child, or interfere with a woman sexually.”

“Lots of people have died. Lots of people have died and then gone on and done really, really well.”

“I know it's wrong of me to speak ill of the dead and all that, but you're still a smeghead.”

“Looking nice. No, wait a minute. I'm looking better than nice. I'm looking dangerous.”

“He's your father? No wonder you're so ugly.”

“You are how you look, and I look like a complete and total tit!”

“Switch me on, switch me off, like I'm some battery-powered sex aid.”

“Death isn't the handicap it used to be in the olden days. It doesn't screw your career up like it used to.”

“It's gonna take 4000 years just to turn around. You can't do a three point turn when you're this close to lightspeed, you know.”

“You'll be in your element if insects are in control.You'll probably get a decent job at last.”

“Oh, just because I'm a toaster, I'm tone deaf?”

“Watch my lips. What ... is ... hap ... pening?”

“Hey, it hasn't happened, has it? It has ‘will have going to have happened' happened, but it hasn't actually 'happened' happened yet, actually.”

“It will be happened; it shall be going to be happening; it will be was an event that could will have been taken place in the future. Simple as that.”

“You know, I wish I was someone else. Then I could kiss me.”

“It's not fair. There's loads of things I've never done. Like... I've never had a prawn vindaloo. And I've never read... A book. And I wanted to have a family. And I wanted to have loads of practice in the things that you've got to do to get a family.”

“You can't whack death on the head!”

“ If he comes near me, I'm gonna rip his nipples off!”

“Yeah, well, everyone dies. You're born, and you die. The bit in the middle's called life, and that's still to come!”

“That woman's out of your league. She's just too classy for you.”

“I'm looking nice. My hair is nice. My face is nice. My suit is nice. I'm looking really nice!”

“You really must think I'm stupid. I'll deal with you two later.”

“You've got the brains of diarrhea and the breeding of a maggot.”

“I laughed so hard I nearly puked.”

“Of course you're tense, you rectum-faced pygmy!”

“Well, we'll give him ten seconds to come back from the dead, and, if he hasn't managed it, we'll presume I'm in charge.”

“If a job's worth doing, it's worth doing well. If it's not worth doing, give it to [Name].”

“It's obviously beyond me. I've got more teeth than brain cells, remember?”

“What's the point of buying a toaster with artificial intelligence if you don't like toast?”

“My mind is open to new cultures, and new ways of looking at and doing things.”

“There's nobody out there. No alien monsters, no Zargon warships, no beautiful blondes with beehive hairdos who say 'Show me some more of this Earth thing called kissing.’.”

“If there's no one out there, what's the point in existence? Why are we here?”

“Smooth with a capital SMOO.”

“Hey, you monkeys are smarter than I thought.”

“I just don't know why I bother. I'd get more sense out of a squashed hedgehog.”

“Six breasts!? Imagine making love to a woman with six breasts!”

“Imagine making love to a woman!”

“This is terrible. Holy wars. Killing. They're just using religion as an excuse to be extremely crappy to each other.”

“I'm not a god! I've just been... Misquoted.”

“That's a fearsome hat.”

“I renounced coolness, and chose the righteous path of slobbiness.”

“But, as one by one we died, my faith died also.”

“I was thinking it might help pass the time if I created a perfectly functioning replica of a woman, capable of independent decision-making and abstract thought and absolutely undetectable from the real thing.”

“It must mean something. You don't dream about someone that you don't feel something for.”

“I once had a dream about a baboon but that doesn't mean I want to go to bed with it.”

“I happen to agree with their philosophy that love is a sickness that holds back your career and makes you want to spend all your money.”

“Love is a device invented by bank managers to make us overdrawn.”

“What makes us different from animals is we don't use our tongues to clean our own genitals.”

“Hey, this has been a good day. I've eaten five times, I've slept six times, and I've made a lot of things mine.Tomorrow, I'm gonna see if I can't have sex with something.”

“If you weren't my friend, I'd steal your shoes.”

“No, you're a filthy, stinking, loathsome,disgusting object I wouldn't be seen dead with in a plague pit.”

“I just love that accent. It makes me go all wibbly!”

“Bet you've got a terminal disease.Always happens to the people who least expect it.”

“Forget those losers. Let's go party.”

“Oh, he's drunk. Yes. I can smell it from here.”

“Ding dong! Another great idea from the people who brought you beer milkshakes!”

“Why should she be interested in you?”

“Yeah, why should she be interested in me?”

“You're great! You're an incredibly seductive, charming, charismatic, young stud!”

“You've got a body like a coat hanger! How can you make a spacesuit look like evening wear?”

“In space, no one can hear you cha-cha-cha!”

“He didn't suffer! I just fed him into the waste grinder and flushed his bits into space.”

“Who told you you needed oxygen, huh? Some loser who was trying to make you feel small.”

“Look, if she comes back and she's not interested, I can handle it.”

“A-ha! The Pop-Up Kama Sutra - Zero Gravity Edition!”

“My death is one of the most important things that ever happened to me.”

“Are you saying you never became an officer because you shared your quarters with someone who hummed?”

“Hey, I'm looking so good today! If I looked any better, I'd be illegal!”

“I am feeling very, very sexy!”

“Sensual emergency! Good lovin' needed bad!”

“I'm far, far, far too much of a gentleman to stoop to that kind of shower-room mentality.”

“Well, I'm sorry I didn't have time to sit down and bash out a speech in iambic pentameter. I was hit in the face by an atomic explosion.”

“SHUT UP, YA DEAD GIT!”

“STOP YOUR FOUL WHINING, YA FILTHY PIECE OF DISTENDED RECTUM!”

“Nothing major. But it goes without saying: IT WAS HIS FAULT!”

“Will you two guys just grow up?”

“ This can't go on. One of youse has gotta go.”

“Ippy-dippy, my space shippy, on a course so true; past Neptune and Pluto's moon, the one I choose is you.”

“I don't believe it. I've been ippy-dippied to death.”

“There's precious little entertainment on this ship. I mean, if you can't attend the odd execution, what have you got left?”

“I thought they were laughing at the chef, when all the time,they were laughing at me as I ate my piping hot gazpacho soup!”

[lovemesomesurveys]

What is the wallpaper on your computer screen? Why did you choose it? A gorgeous b&w photo from a photoshoot Alexander Skarsgard did. I chose it because it’s him and he’s gorgeous, duh.  Is there a pattern on the pants you’re currently wearing? Which one? Nope, they’re just plain black leggings. Do you like going to baby showers? Do you go only for the cake? I didn’t mind the few I’ve been to. I liked playing the games. Who is the person you text the most in your life? What relation are you? My mom or brother. Mexican food, Chinese food, Italian food, French food or American food? I like some foods from each of those.

Has there ever been a time in your life, you felt sexually undecided? No. Does your mother annoy you when the holidays come along in the year? No. What is the color scheme of your absolute favorite fast-food restaurant? I don’t have a favorite fast food anymore, honestly. I’m not big on it like I used to be. Do you think tattoos and piercings are sexy on the opposite sex? I don’t mind some tattoos or a couple piercings, but I’m not super into them. Do people ever ask you to do things they’re too short to accomplish? No, I’m the short one who needs to ask others for help. Do your siblings bring people around that your parents don’t approve of? No. Is there carpet or hardwood floor in your bedroom? Carpet. Do you check the texture of things first or the smell of them? Depends on what it is. Certain things I might do both. Have you ever broken the arm or head off of a trophy? How did you do this? No. Do you believe in superstitious things such as breaking a mirror? Nah.  Do you get sick of people who call themselves bi polar all the time? I don’t like when people just throw that and OCD around. Ever have an ultra-sound performed on you? What was it for? I’ve had several done in my life. I used to get my kidneys checked once a year. Do you like those ‘end of the world,’ ‘Armageddon’ movies? No. What color are the headphones you have at this moment in time? Black. Ever been choked severely on something during lunch at your school? This is worded weird, but yes actually. It happened in elementary school, but I still remember it quite vividly. I got a chip stuck in my throat. Do you remember who you sat next to in Kindergarten? Who was it? No. Has anyone ever compared you to an animal? Which one(s)? A monkey because of my long arms. Has anyone, including yourself, forgot it was your own birthday? Not anyone close to me, no.  Chocolate or strawberry birthday cake? Choose one. Strawberry, hands down.  Do you eat more vegetables or fruits? What’s your favorite fruit/veggie? Out of the two, veggies because I do eat spinach oftenish. And potatoes. I haven’t had any fruit in quite a long time. :X Do you abbreviate things way too often? Do you get called out on it? No. I only do “lol”, “lmao”, “wtf”, and “wth.” Ever been in one of those church Christmas plays before? Why/why not? No. What is the funniest conjunction you use throughout your day? I don’t think any of them are funny. Have you ever thrown a roll of toilet paper at someone before? No. Does the dentist calm you or does it tend to stress you out? I have never found the dentist to be calming. I get very bad anxiety when it comes to the dentist. It’s a real fear. If you had to choose, which is the worst movie you’ve ever seen? Hmm. I’ve seen a few shitty movies, hard to choose the worst one. Have you ever found yourself talking to an inanimate object? When they’re not working properly haha. Do you like movies that are originally based on children’s books? Sure. Is your hair more thick or thin? Is it more curly or straight? Thin and wavy. I really wish I could get extensions.  Something on the human body that grosses you out the most: Feet. Do you like meeting new people? What’s your most common greeting? I’m not very outgoing or social.  Ever think of what it would be like to be a mermaid or merman? Nah. If you had to choose, which celebrity would you date out of all of them? Alexander Skarsgard. ;) Do people feel sorry for you for no reason? Have they ever? I’m sure I look quite pitiful. What is something that bothers you about most surveys in general? The repetition of questions. Especially ones about marriage and children. Who would you take with you on a stranded/deserted island? Someone who could help get me off. Do you have your own personal boom box in your bedroom? A boom box, wow. No, I don’t. Haven’t had or used one in several years. Would you survive if zombies were to take over the world? Why or why not? Nope. What would you say is the worst part of high school period? The teenage years are a rough, pivotal time. What is your favorite color of apple? Red, green or yellow? I don’t care for apples. Ever want to be a doctor? Is it because of all the hospital shows? Noooo. What do you think of all these reality shows that try to alter personality? I’m not sure what kind you’re talking about. Where are your favorite pair of shoes in the whole world right now? My black Adidas with the white stripes. Do you live anywhere near a mall? Yeah, pretty close. Do you like drawing smiley faces or do you think they’re overrated? If I’m randomly doodling, that’s one of the few things I’ll draw. If you were dying who would you say goodbye to first out of everyone? I’d have my loved near me and talk to them. Are you someone who actually likes to babysit children? No. Do you ever have those ‘ah ha!’ moments? Do those annoy you? Yeah. I don’t think they’re annoying. It’s usually a good thing. Do you hardly ever remember where you put things at? No, I’m good about that. What’s your favorite lunch meat, if you even like any in the first place? Turkey, salami, and bologna.  When is the next time you’ll eat a cupcake, if you know when? I have no idea.  Where did you last buy socks from? What do those socks look like? I forget what the last pair I bought myself was, but I just received a few pairs for Christmas. Do you ever lay in the grass and look up at the sky, just because? Nope. I don’t want to lay or sit on the grass at all. It makes me itchy and there’s bugs. When do you normally go to sleep on the weekends? My sleep schedule is the same regardless of the day. I tend to go to bed around 5AM and wake up around noon. Have you ever met someone with the same ‘biggest fear’ as you? Yes, a few. Do you ever have movie nights with your significant other? I’m single. Would you rather write with a pen or a pencil? Why is this? Pen. Do you like candy bars? Are you trying to slack off of them? Yeah. I haven’t had candy in quite awhile, though. I’m not trying to “slack off of them”, I just haven’t had any.  What is your favorite number? Is it significant with your life? 8. It’s been my favorite since I was a kid. Are you afraid of being kidnapped if you go outside at nighttime? I’d be afraid of being attacked or killed. Has your mother ever called your school because of your grades? No. I always got good grades. In the next twenty minutes, what will you be doing and where will you be? I need to go to bed. It’s after 5AM now. Do you like showers or baths better? Why did you choose your choice? I only take showers. I haven’t taken a bath since I was a kid. Are you a controversial person? Do your views oppose others? No. I keep a lot of my opinions to myself. I mean, yeah I have opposing views. We’re not all going to agree on everything. Have you ever thrown a surprise party for someone? Who for? Nope. What would you say your average word per minute time is on the keyboard? I have no idea. I’m a very fast typer, though.  What is your least favorite class in school? Why is this? It was always math. I was horrible. Do you bite your fingernails or tap them on desks? I always picked at my nails in class. Have you ever wanted to be in a band? What position exactly? No. Who is your role model or hero in life if you have one? My mom. Do you ever call your cousins just to talk to them randomly? No. I used to text with them or Snapchat or something, but not anymore except for here and there. I’m not close with any of my cousins anymore like I used to be. :( Do you find any of your friends’ parents creepy or really mean? I never found any of my friends’ parents creepy or mean. Do you ever have to wash your clothes at someone else’s house? No. When is the next time you’ll go to the library? Why is this? I have no idea. I have no reason to. Do you like fiction or non-fiction books more? What’s your favorite? Non-fiction.  Do you constantly have to be told to shut up? By who? No. I’m not a  chatty person, generally. I do have my chatty moods sometimes where I want to tell myself to shut up, though. ha. Do you know how to play pool? Are you any good at it? Nope. Do you treat others as you’d like to be treated? Have you always? I try to. These past few years I haven’t been the most pleasant to around. I get moody, irritable, snippy, pissy, and short with my family and that’s not at all how I want to be. They don’t deserve it. I know I don’t like when people are that way to me. Were you a really mean kid or a sweet and quiet kid? Sweet and quiet. I was the “pleasure to have in class”! Are you someone who likes to get in arguments or fights a lot? Nooo. I avoid it like the plague. How do you make sure people know you don’t like them at all? I don’t have to make a big spectacle about it if I don’t like someone for whatever reason. I can still be polite and civil if I have to interact with them. Would you say you’re someone who likes to cuss a lot? Nope.  Do you keep secrets from your parents that you don’t keep from your friends? I mean, my parents don’t know everything. I tell them a lot, especially my mom, but I also keep a lot to myself. Not just from them, but from everyone.  What is your father’s best friend’s name? Do you know them personally? Donny. Yes, I know him personally. They’ve been friends all my life. If you had to, where would you get a tattoo at? Why? I’ve always thought my inner wrist, but I don’t know now.  How much was the cell phone you have at this moment in time? However much the iPhone XR is. Would you say you hang out with people the majority of your life? I spend quite a lot of my time alone, but I spend a lot of time with my family as well. What would you do if you woke up randomly with purple hair? Uhh that would be quite shocking. I also dye my hair red, so if I woke up and it was purple one day I’d be pretty concerned. Do you ever look in the mirror and name all of your flaws for no reason? I avoid looking in the mirror as much as possible, and when I do I keep it short. If I spend too long that’s exactly what would happen. All my flaws become magnified and intensified and they’re all I see. Are you getting sick of the reality show Survivor? Why? I never watched it, but I’m surprised it’s still on. Do you usually explain to people why you do the things you do? Not usually, no, but with some things I guess. Or at least try to. I don’t even understand why I do what I do. Ever submit a video to America’s Funniest Home Videos? No. I wanted to as a kid. What color is the closest desk to your body? What all is on it? I don’t have a desk in my room. The most painful medical procedure you’ve ever had? Any of the surgeries I’ve had. Are you someone who likes to eat Poptarts? What’s your favorite flavor? The strawberry frosted and the brown sugar frosted ones. Ever have a dream you’re being abducted by aliens? Was it scary? No. What would you say is the color of your favorite bra? I only like to wear black ones. Do you like people who are loud or people who are quiet? Quiet, generally. I mean, if they get animated and excited about something and get a little loud that’s fine, but not loud in general. That would give me a headache haha. It’s like, “why are you shouting???” Does personality weigh out the sense of ‘good looks?’ What. When is the next time you’ll see someone who is pregnant? I have no idea. Do you hate it when people copy the things you do? No one copies anything I do, nor should they. Where is your favorite piece of electronic equipment? I’m using it right now while sitting on my bed. Where is the person who ‘owns your heart’ at this moment in time? I’m right here. Has anyone ever told you that you’re good at cooking? Ha, no. I’m not a cook. Would you say you’re a fast texter, or are you pretty slow? I’m a very fast typer on a computer, but not as fast on my phone. What is your favorite flavor of Doritos? What do you drink with them? Nacho or Cool Ranch. I’d drink whatever I had at the time, which would likely be a Starbucks Doubleshot and/or water. I haven’t had Doritos or any kind of chip in a long time, though. Do you have any enemies who you think are dangerous? I don’t have any enemies. Do you ever try to squeeze information out of people? Uhh I might from my mom or brother about certain things cause I can be nosey with them lol, but no not generally. Does it freak you out when the police drive by your house? No. Are you someone who tends to take a whole lot of naps? I don’t take a lot of naps even though I’m always tired. Naps make me groggy and more tired, but sometimes sleep just wins and I give in to a nap. What is your favorite nickname you like to be called? Why do you like it? Sis. Do you already have your outfit for tomorrow planned out? No. I don’t plan my outfits unless I’m going certain places or packing for a vacation. What is the color of your favorite pair of pants? What brand are they? I like my numerous pairs of black leggings, ha. Has your favorite song ever been featured on a commercial? Yeah, a few have. Do you ever promise pc4pc on Myspace then never return the favor? Wow, I remember those days. I was good about keeping my end of the deal. What is one song right now that really gets on your nerves? Hmm. I can’t think of one in particular at the moment.  What would you say was the best year of your life? Why? My childhood. Do those annoying infomercials ever draw you in to buy things? I’ve seen things that were of interest, but nah I’ve never ordered anything from an informercial. I’m always skeptical about anything they try to sell. Have you ever been pulled over by the cops for speeding? I don’t drive. I can’t tell you how many speeding jokes I’ve received as someone in a wheelchair throughout my life, though. -____- Is anyone in your family a firefighter? Who is it anyway? Nope.