#HAD GO MAKE A NOTE OF IT SO I DIDNT FORGET THE PHRASING AGAIN

[hiddenintheveil]

nominal vs. titular-nominal self-labels

[lostacelonnie]

Thats entirely fair i don't think anyone trusts tumblr to work correctly tbh. Ive just been feeling the seasonal blues a bit. Ah heck why do teachers always do that instead of letting up on the workload. I do have a bit of chill time coming up thankfully which will be great because i need rest & to holiday shop. Oh heck i cant imagine that like. Americans are a mixed bag of overly friendly & minders of their own business but a place where its all overly friendly would be a culture shock to me. That feels like the universal experience with talking to native spanish speakers just. Yeah we can guess kinda what's bein said through context & gesticulating. Finding a few recipes you can do & rolling from there is just how it goes i imagine. But ive been cooking for many years so i had to branch out to keep some variety otherwise meals would be boring. I have wireless earbuds but only because like. People talk to me often when im not expecting it & it bothers me a lil because the mental illnesses so its easier to listen to stuff & use that as my reason for not hearing them. Australia truly is the land of wild shit. Its got that category on lock. Wow thats like. Complete spectrum opposite teachers? Almost? Maybe? Though how does a math teacher not know counting was she just tired one day or is that common? Thats entirely fair i don't think anyone trusts tumblr to work correctly tbh. Ive just been feeling the seasonal blues a bit. Ah heck why do teachers always do that instead of letting up on the workload. I do have a bit of chill time coming up thankfully which will be great because i need rest & to holiday shop. Oh heck i cant imagine that like. Americans are a mixed bag of overly friendly & minders of their own business but a place where its all overly friendly would be a culture shock to me. That feels like the universal experience with talking to native spanish speakers just. Yeah we can guess kinda what's bein said through context & gesticulating. Finding a few recipes you can do & rolling from there is just how it goes i imagine. But ive been cooking for many years so i had to branch out to keep some variety otherwise meals would be boring. I have wireless earbuds but only because like. People talk to me often when im not expecting it & it bothers me a lil because the mental illnesses so its easier to listen to stuff & use that as my reason for not hearing them. Australia truly is the land of wild shit. Its got that category on lock. Wow thats like. Opposite spectrum of teachers maybe? Though how does she not know counting was she just tired one day? Noted for sure ill pay closer attention to the honkai meta. Yknow i hope what a herscherr is gets explained because i still dont know. Oh thats cool to know i will make a note of that polish phrase to try & remember linguistics can be fun. Ah yeah for sure they actually put effort into like. Making neuvillette have a story & be interesting & it shows. Only genshin male i care for probably. Oh hey stigmatism gang. Im farsighted with a stigmatism also so same hat. I always forget about talents & weapon leveling but it works out its all good. A 7 am as well jeesh are you good? This arc is very good & i cant wait to see where it goes wataoshi owns my attention now. Oh yeah i saw you mention noita how is it? Damn. Thats a lot of lore shoutout to himeko the mvp. Love her. What exactly is a honkai anyways are they like. The antimatter legion from star rail. Or well are the legion like the honkai beasts? Also do you have any seele lore? Also also glad you saw the polish post i had hope you would

this website will forever be scuffed JSJDSKDJF. and dont worry me too. its Getting Bad Again but soon its gonna be the winter solstice and i always start feeling better when the days get longer again. and god yeah fr...... we literally have so many grades already CAN THEY CHILL. luckily i got sick again so i didnt have to go to school today and im guessing im not gonna have many lessons to catch up on since its our last Proper day before the holidays and we have pretty easy subjects on wednesday so. we chillen. yeah same thank GOD for the holidays. tho im gonna have to deal with my family for like an entire week which. auuugh. dont wanna. but oh well ill get through it Somehow. AND GOD YEAH with being polish is much more noticable bc ppl here just really will avoid any unnecessary interaction with strangers [which is perfectly fine by me i like not being bothered]. but yeah the gesticulation Does help a lot in communicating. at the end of the day, as long as the message gets conveyed, it doesnt really matter How that was accomplished. i usually order takeout to my school since we have a program like that so i dont really have to cook that much, but yeah i should also probably branch out SJDKGK i dont know howw much longer i can survive on scrambled eggs every time i cant eat at school. yeah fair, i use my headphones to avoid conversations as well, tho luckily i have friends that are generally chill about the fact i will just. Not talk sometimes so i dont even have to do that a lot. and yeah we actually joke about how exactly opposite they are JSKFJG and its. a common occurence. but then again my school is just Not that great so nobody is surprised. good luck with the meta!!! its hellish at first but gets a bit easier with every built valkyrie so just trust the process. AH IM SORRY i unfortunately have a bad habit of using honkai specific terms as if theyre common knowledge. my bad. but essentially, the honkai itself is like. a force, i guess is the best word? that, despite being non-sentient, has one goal: destroying humanity. it grows along with human progress. the antimatter legion is not a bad comparison, actually! and a herrscher is a person thats been, in a way, possessed by the honkai to obtain incredible amounts of power to try and carry out the honkais objective of destruction. herrschers have different. specialties, you could say? some of them are more obvious [like the herrscher or wind, thunder, fire, ice etc] and some are more abstract [the herrscher of the void, origin, domination, for example]. in the current era, with enough willpower and self control, those powers can be used by a herrscher without them losing their humanity. it gets a bit more complicated than that but thats the basic rundown. ANYWAY COMING BACK linguistics will always be fascinating to me....... especially etymology. i love etymology. AND YEAH SAME i thought the day would never come in which i would care about a genshin guy and yet. also hey were matching......... i used to also always forget to level up talents but since traces are a bit more accentuated in the star rail tut it kinda carried over to genshin for me i guess. 7 am classes have caused me to go through all stages of grief but, just like those, i have reached Acceptance. at least theres less people on the bus so i can sit down. AND YEAH YEAH YEAH THE LOVE SCALE ARC HAS ALWAYS BEEN MY FAVORITE....... i love manaria. terrible wingwoman. very charming and handsome. and about noita yes ive been playing it. a Lot recently. roguelikes are fun theyre surprisingly making me More patient than i was instead of destroying my psyche like everyone said they would. and since noita is a finnish game im genuinely having a lot of fun learning the pronunciation of a lot of the enemy names. HIMEKO REALLY IS THE MVP FOREVER AND ALWAYS. I LOVE HER. i do in fact have seele lore and as previously i shall put it under the cut!! and im actually designed to sense and reblog all polish posts o7

as with himeko, i wouldnt consider myself an Expert on seele lore [if you have any further questions and/or want a more in-depth analysis of her, i would redirect you to tumblr user crowties] BUT i do know it. decently well. it goes without saying that this is also gonna contain massive spoilers.

so, seele's [as well as bronya's!] backstory is mainly showcased in the azure waters manga [although, do be warned that it features themes such as: physical and psychological abuse, child soldiers, pedophilia, and [minor on minor] attempted sa]. but moving on from all that.

seele grew up in cocolia's orphanage, in siberia, where she also met bronya after she was picked up by cocolia. she was also born with a certain condition, being a natural stigma [stigmata in the honkaiverse are manifestations of honkai energy which people are very rarely born with, but schicksal for example uses artificial ones to boost valkyries' combat capabilities]. that very stigma belonged to the herrscher of death in the previous era and is fully sentient! im gonna call her veliona so that its harder to mix them up but do know that theyre both referred to as seele in the game [and its actually a pretty important part of their identity that theyre both seele]. now the thing about seele and veliona is that you think theyre gonna be a terrible did stereotype and then theyre. Not. as in veli, at first, does act like "the evil alter" but shes actually just pretty mean but wants to protect seele. since seele is just. Very fragile due to being, you know, a timid 12 y/o.

in the orphanage, another one of the kids was sin mal! she exists solely to be a terrible person but i heard that wasnt the case in guns girl z so i defend her anyway. sin was jealous over the fact that bronya and seele became so close despite seele being weak, so she PUSHED BRONYA DOWN THE FUCKING STAIRS AND BROKE HER LEGS???? shes that kind of person i guess. seele actually saw it happen but she was too scared to do anything. which, understandable! sin is extremely volatile.

seele then gets Kidnapped by child sex traffickers but bronya singlehandedly finds her and murders everyone responsible. seele is pretty horrified because 1. bronya [also 12] just killed a bunch of people in front of her and 2. she saw a manifestation of veliona that made her feel Happy that this is happening. veli is not very good at communication and also genuinely considers herself a terrible person at that point in time so that doesnt help with the evil alter allegations but oh well.

then. cocolia, at the request of anti entropy [allegedly?] starts carrying out child experiments, meant to make people achieve 100% honkai resistance. the people selected are bronya and sin, but seele volunteers in bronyas place since theyre pretty dangerous. right before that, however, sin attempts to assault seele, which veliona does Not let slide, so she rips out sins tooth and then traps her consciousness in an illusion in which she pushes her down the stairs and then slices off her fingers. good riddance.

however, the x-10 experiment Fails and seele falls into the sea of quanta, going missing. tho right as its about to happen, veliona actually uses a lot of her power to let seele see the sea, because she made a promise with bronya that they would go together someday. right as shes about to reach bronya, her power runs out and they completely disappear into the sea.

when bronya finds out about about this, she wants to take the x-10 test herself to try and find seele. cocolia doesnt want to let her go so that SHE DOESNT LOSE MORE CHILDREN, but bronya shows that shes gonna kill herself if cocolia doesnt agree and so she goes. during her test, she. actually manages to reconnect with seele for a while! they kiss and make a promise that theyll see each other again. however, due to bronyas legs still not being fully healed, she actually gets pretty badly hurt [with her legs needing prosthetics, as well as damage to her emotive circuits] during the test and is forcefully disconnected. seele manages to manifest bronya a robot project bunny. somehow. it helps her move and is also a giant cannon.

after this, seele and veliona float in the sea of quanta for 4 years. they grow quite close to each other during this, tho still maintain some distance because veli is just. not very sociable. veliona also makes a deal with an entity called the serpent [which i believe was confirmed to be kevin? but dont quote me on that] because he promises that hell get them out of the sea if they help him escape as well. veli is fully aware hes taking advantage of her but she has to try everything. when bronya jumps into the soq during the herrscher of reason arc, she manages to find seele! at first, velis deal with the serpent forces her to fight bronya, but during cyberangel seele and bronya end up working together. seele is also the one who makes bronya survive contact with the core of reason. as theyre escaping from the sea, bronya almost gets left behind, so seele and veliona achieve full unity during dual ego [IM INSANE ABOUT THEM. I AM INSANE] and they leave the sea.

after that, seele is admittedly Not that present in the main story [tho she does appear a couple of times!] until the moon arc and later the salt snow holy city arc, which is also the best part of the game because i said so and i am always right. SERIOUSLY THO SALT SNOW ARC IS MY FAVORITE IT IS SO GOOD IT IS SO-

anyway. seele and veliona are the protagonists in this one! i would so happily tell you the story but im also unfortunately too tired to give a detailed description of THE ENTIRE ARC so ill keep things short. when dispatched for a mission in nagazora, seele [and susannah! susannah is in this arc. i love her] gets dragged into a bubble universe by misteln [who, due to some events in the moon arc, veliona has extreme beef with]. but its actually a pretty bad thing because, due to the unique structure of the universe [that being, its actually two universes overlapping, one acting as the normal world and the other as the afterlife], seele and veli get separated. this causes significant mental distress to both of them. however, eventually they manage to reconnect! which also accidentally makes them the sage of the universe [a special role, usually reserved for one person] since they fulfill the criteria of being able to traverse between life and death. the problem is, theres..... already a sage....... and the universe starts collapsing. after a fight, the previous sage gives up her powers and seele gets sealed in her tower to act her role. it turns out that her becoming the sage wasnt what actually triggered the collapse, and so the team [consisting of seele, veli, susannah, kira, niggurath, senti, misteln, prometheus, vita, and schrodinger] works together to try and prevent it in another way. a Bunch Of Shit happens which i love very deeply but would also take way too long to explain, and seele gets separated from veliona, eventually becoming the herrscher of death [but, vita decides that seele is a far too gentle person to be called that, and so she becomes the herrscher of rebirth]. they manage to save the universes, and also free vita from being a pawn to sa, the force destroying the universe. they get to return home after that :)

i am extremely normal about seele and veliona [they give me mental illness]

[flowersandcorpse]

She’s Optimistic (Not Me) Ch.3

This is a Corpse Husband fic. Chapter Three actually. If you missed chapter one or two, don’t fret. I’ll leave the links below :) Feel free to comment, share, and send me questions. I love hearing from you all.

Genre: Slowburn, friends to lovers, angst, pining

TW: abuse, mental and health complications

Chapter One 

Chapter Two

The room was dark and cold as Corpse stepped aside for her. She walked in, albeit slowly at first as she glanced around the gloomy apartment. The lights were off and with the exception of the moon, the only light present was being poured in through the crack in the front door. Nevertheless, Alice carried on inside, noting how nice his furniture looked and how much bigger his apartment space was from her own.

“H-how many rooms?” She questioned, her mouth agape as she looked down Corpse’s narrow hallway.

“Just four.” He responded curtly. Corpse knew it was odd that amongst all the studio and two bedroom apartments in this complex, he was only renter with four bedrooms on a top floor. He wasn’t blind to how suspicious it made him, he just didn’t care.

But it was obvious Alice did.

“Do you have roomates? Or a dog or something.” She mused whipping her head around before focusing in on Corpse. “This place is wild.”

In his husky voice, drained of all emotion, he nodded back. “I live alone… I like it that way.”

Alice sighed, long and winded at his response. She was quite sure he wasn’t as hollow and void of personality as he wanted to come off. She didn’t know how exactly, but she was going to crack his shell, maybe even pry it off him. If it meant she could learn more about her hidden away neighbor who lived in the mysteriously nice apartment.

Corpse moved to close the door behind them before guiding Alice to his living room. It was nothing special. Just a long black couch, a book shelf adjacent, and a nice tv mounted on the wall. But once again, Alice was entranced in the wonder of it all. Corpse noticed how wide her eyes were, how interested she seemed to be in his little world. When was the last time he had company over? Fuck. He didn’t know and frankly he didn’t care to remember. He was stuck in this moment, feeling himself being drawn towards her.

“So,” he brightened. “Do you usually invite yourself into people’s apartments?” He phrased it as a lighthearted question, but he genuinely wanted to know. He hoped the answer would be no, that she chose him because she thought he was interesting and different, and not because this is simply how she makes friends.

“Not particularly.”

Corpse smiled at that and Alice noticed, throwing herself against the slender couch.

“How do you do that?” She asked; face soft and understanding.

“Do what?” Corpse frowned.

“Act so cold and alone.” She sighed. “And then smile like that... I want to know how you do it?”

“Fuck.” Corpse dragged out sitting opposite of her on the couch. “You’re really trying to call me out, huh?”

“No!” Alice laughed. It was a bright and soft sound. Corpse felt himself grow elated because of it. “I just noticed it.”

“Well Alice, I don’t know.” He smiled more. Corpse was never the type of person to open up or let go. He never had deep conversations with strangers or even friends. He didn’t want to be a loner, but the truth is… he didnt have a choice. His walls towered miles above the average person’s. His thoughts, every thought, repeated itself over and over and over again, crashing inside his head.

But even so, for whatever reason, Corpse felt… comfortable around Alice. He didn’t particularly understand why or how, but he knew that in this moment, she could ask him anything and he wouldn’t have the willpower to turn her down.

He must’ve been staring because Alice had stopped laughing and instead was zeroing in on the rips on Corpse’s thigh; her face red and hot. She moved to brush a streak of silver hair behind her ear, when the faintest of lights beamed on a sliver of skin, just below her chin.

It was dark and neither of the two were entirely of sound mind, but even in the quiet buzz of it all, Corpse could make out faded marks stretched against Alice’s neck. Without hesitation, he straightened his posture and demanded.

“How’d you get those?”

Well, Alice was focused now.

“Get what?”

“The marks on your throat,” he scoffed. He didn’t want to come off rude or even bothered, but by the tone of his voice, how it deepend and cut through the thick air between them, it was obvious the lighthearted conversation they had earlier had dissipated.

Alice tried laughing it off.

“Sex,” she whispered.

Oh fuck, duh, He thought. Makes sense.

“Oh-”

A wave of embarrassment rushed over Corpse. It had been a while since he got laid sure, but… to forget about… that. Yeah, he felt out of touch.

“I’m joking!” She half yelled, hesitantly scooting closer to him. “It’s a long story, but sorry for freaking you out.” The blush on her neck had blossomed onto her collarbones, making her skin look more blushed than tan. Corpse felt his mouth go dry.

“It’s fine,” he replied.

Alice lowered her voice again, eyes sparkling and locked on Corpse.

“Stop worrying….”

Jest was laced throughout her words as her eyes darted from Corpse’s to his snakebites and back to the bushy mess of hair that shaded his eyes. She mockingly lifted her hand up to him; her slender fingers curved and aimed at him.

“It’s not like I’m gonna choke you”

Fuck me... This chick is crazy.

There was no question how Corpse would respond to Alice’s bold and frankly questionable behavior. Energy matched Energy.

“Go ahead,” he teased, lowering his voice for effect. “It’s not like you would actually fucking dare.”

Alice froze and Corpse mentally patted himself on the back for getting such a strong reaction from her. His tongue darted from his lips and toyed with one of his snakebites before he leaned forward, his eyes piercing the stunned woman before him. He was putting his throat on display, showing off his pronounced collarbones that peeked from his loose shirt. The pale light illuminated the red on his lips and the tan of his neck. If she wanted a show, he was going to make it clear that she was the entertainment, not him.

Her hand hadn’t moved since he prompted her to choke him. Alice had turned into a mess of heavy breathing and hesitant glances. Every time she dared to stare back, her chest would tighten and the butterflies in her stomach would dance violently against her ribs. She was shyer than she let on.

Alice stuttered out a breathy “I… I would dare,” before slowly unstiffening her fingers. She wanted to dare to be bold and courageous and reach for the dark stranger’s throat, but her arms felt like jelly and as she got closer to Corpse, she felt her wrist go lower and lower and lower.

But before her hand could fall flaccid against her lap, she felt a firm grasp on her shaking wrist.

Corpse.

Holy mother of god, she panted internally. Five gentle fingers wrapped delicately around her wrist, cold and stern. Her hand was shaking but she hoped her heart wouldn’t give out as she glanced down to see the fingers wrapped firmly against her skin. His hands were hard with broad fingers, but his grasp was gentle, his thumb brushing comfortingly against her hot skin. Or maybe it was his touch that burned.

Beautiful veins threaded themselves underneath the warmth of his skin and as she locked eyes with the man just inches away, silver streaks of hair untangled themself from behind her ear.

Alice felt like puddy in Corpse’s touch. His hands were cold and rough like the ones she was used to, but his touch… Corpse’s touch was gentle, soft, almost excruciatingly perfect as he pulled her closer, his lips parting to form a cocking half smile.

Almost as if this were her first time being this close to anyone, Corpse firmly guided her hand to his throat, eyes as unbothered and stoic as ever.

“There, you go.” He whispered, letting out a low hum of satisfaction. He positioned each slender finger around the base of his throat, running the the tip of Alice’s shaky pointer finger along his adam's apple before flattening her palm around the base of his neck. He hummed letting the vibration course through her already shaking hand.

Alice’s eyes widened, but she didn’t dare move. It felt dangerous, exciting even. She opened her mouth to speak, but once again, Corpse cut her off, lowering his face to hers and smirking as the cool skin of his lips brushed lightly against the hot tip of her right ear.

The lights outside dimmed and Alice felt her eyes flutter shut as Corpse lowly hummed into her ear, hand still unsurely resting against his throat as he teasingly muttered. The room was dead quiet with the exception of the dull thud of Alice’s heartbeat and the unmistakably deep and sultry words…

“Very good.”

[hello-yue-here]

About your atla ship songs, I have a couple of questions (sorry if my phrasing comes out wrong, english isn't my first language and I worry it might across as accidentally defensive): how did you end up with the choices for zukka, jetko and yuekka (note: I haven't seen the great comet, so feel free to obsess over it, I'm intrigued now and the hype is appreciated!)? Sidenote: I think the mailee choice is HILARIOUS and the tokka one just make me sad, I didn't expect to be attacked like this😭

kdjfha;s i love you im gonna obsess SO HARD over great comet now. you may regret this

this is gonna be so long so the rest is under the cut whoops

yuekka: no one else from great comet

where do i even begin. WHERE DO I EVEN BEGIN

okay so background information on this show: it's based off of a 76 oages excerpt from war and peace and its centered around a woman named natasha (and this guy pierre but he's irrelevant to this song so we wont worry about him) and natasha's bethrothed is off fighting in the war right now. she hasn't seen him in a while but she is in love with him.

every single lyrics of this song SCREAMS yuekka to me. the innocence and purity of their love. the love at first sight. and even the melancholy ending just- i go apeshit for this song. i love this song so much. and denee benton's voice??? kljsdhflwksugf please listen to this song if you haven't already. listen to the whole show. your life will be changed forever.

onto the lyrics (i stg this is ab to be the whole song whoops)

"the moon"

THOSE ARE THE FIRST WORDS ON THE SONG. natasha and andre (her bethrothed) met underneath the moonlight. Sokka and Yue first spoke to eachother at night and always met each other for their most intimate moments under the moonlight. also yue is LITERALLY the moon so like: right of the bat with those two words it's yuekka.

"and i saw your eyes / and i saw your smile / and the world opened wide"

sokka fell in love with yue the moment he saw her in the canal. she literally enchanted this motherfucker. everything about her made his heart go crazy. and 'the world opened wide' to me is from yue's perspective. Yue had never left the north pole and sokka had seen a good chuck of the world at the point. He took her on appa, he told her about his adventures. he saw the world yue wished to see and you know damn well that Sokka would have done anything to give it to her.

"oh the moon /oh the snow in the moonlight / and your childlike eyes and your distant smile / ill never be this happy again / you and i and no one else"

natasha sings fondly about the moon and the snow, seeing as it was where she fell in love with andre. yue and sokka LITERALLY fell in love in the same place: in the snowy nothern water tribe under the light of the moon. childlike eyes: THEYRE CHILDREN!!! distant smile: this is where it gets a little sad. theyre both children with way too many duties during a world that has known nothing but war for the past century. they want to be happy but yeah, theyre smiles are distant and far away because happiness seems out of reach for them most of the time. i'll never be this happy again: the moments yue and sokka shared together were probably the happiest either of them ever were. they were able to ignore the war and the world in the moments they shared together. and with no one else. no one else would be able to give each other this sense of peace and happiness and love.

"joy and life inside our souls / and no body knows just you and me / it's our secret"

Yue and Sokka had to sneak out in secret at night to go and see each other. Yue and Sokka couldn't be together for real because Yue was already engaged, but they were literally in love so she decided to see him anyways in secret. kasdjfhklasjd im losing my mind over them at this point.

"this winer sky / how can anyone sleep / there was never such a night before / i feel like putting my arms around my knees / and squeezing tight as possible / and flying away"

these are my FAVORITE lines in the entire song. yue and sokka had never felt this strongly about anyone before and that's why they are so drawn to each other. they had never experienced love before and they wanted to hold onto it for as long as they could even though they knew they couldnt. Sokka takes yue up on appa and she is wistful and wishes she could live like he does every day: ie flying away. oh my god these two deserved so much better. so much fucking better.

now for the saddes part. the saddest fucking part.

"maybe he'll come today / maybe he came already / and he's sitting in the drawing room / and i simply forgot"

natasha misses andre so intensely at this point. when i first listened to this show and heard this song i was like "wait a min... is andre like... dead?" and im sure i wasnt the only person who assumed that this was why natasha felt so sad by the end of such a beautiful song. (spoiler alert andre is fine)

but this line really exemplifies how sad natasha is, and hints at the fact that andre may never come back. it implies that their relationship is doomed (at least in my opinion) and that's all yuekka. Sokka misses yue intensely when shes gone. Yue accepted her fate almost immediately but sokka was in denial. he thought there had to be another way. but in the end it wasn't meant to be. and sokka will go on, loving yue, wishing for her back, even though it's not possible.

fuck im gonna cry.

zukka: all i've ever known- hadestown

"i was alone so long / i didn't even know that i was lonely / out in the cold so long / i didnt even know that i was cold"

sokka is from the swt so theres where the cold comes in. also in the gaang (initially) it was just him katara and aang. and katara and aang were much closer to each other than sokka was with aang and the two of them were benders so sokka was kind of an outsider with the two of them. He also represses a lot of his emotions and feels the need to do everything himself so i do see a lot of loneliness in sokka. and the fact that so many people in his life have left him (his mom, yue, his dad, suki briefly, etc...) he is known to keep people at an arms length. i see a lot of loneliness in sokka.

zuko's loneliness is a lot more obvious: he has literally been cast out and abandoned by everyone except iroh. and even then he still feels the need to be alone (remember zuko alone? thought so) these boys look after themselves and push others away and revel in their loneliness in order to keep themselves from getting hurt. at least in my opinion on canon and also some fanon because id be a liar if i said fanon didnt influence how i view ALL my ships (not just zukka)

"all ive ever known is how to hold my own / but now I wanna hold you too"

COME ONE MANNNN, they just wanna hold each other. theyre both very big protectors as well and kljhflkasdhg they wanna protect eachother like kljdhfl im gonna lose it rn.

"You take me in your arms / And suddenly there's sunlight all around me / Everything bright and warm / And shining like it never did before / And for a moment I forget / Just how dark and cold it gets"

SUNLIGHT SYMBOLISM. zuko is literally powered by the sun. i don't think i even NEED to elaborate on this one anymore lol. They find comfort in each other away from all of their trauma. when they're together nothing else matters and i personally love that for them. they both deserve love.

"I knew you before we met / And I don't even know you yet / All I know is your someone I have always known"

these two are extremely similar in canon. many parallels. older brothers overshadowed by their prodigy little sisters. longing to make their fathers proud (granted one dad is good and one is fuckin evil), both are pretty bad with emotions. both are seen protecting others before themselves (sokka protecting suki during the serpant's pass, sokka protecting toph on like multiple occassions, zuko protecting katara in the final agni kai), the list goes on. they know who the other is because they see themselves in the other person. they already know each other because they are each other (in a way, not entirely, but the similarities are strong in my opinion)

"I'm gonna hold you forever / The wind will never change on us / Long as we stay with each other / Then it will always be like this"

i just think this line is so cute and sweet (ignoring all the symbolism and foreshadowing that comes with the last line in the musical itself. im gonna pretend this is nothing but happy) and i think these boys deserve happiness so yeah. this song is zukka to me lol.

jetko: thrill of first love- falsettoes

if you've never listened to this song go an do it now. you will know INSTANTLY that it is jetko because of the dynamics alone. marvin and whizzer are pure jetko and i take no crticisms.

marvin and whizzer are both extremely stubborn, and they don't always get along, and they fight a lot, and they get mad at each other a lot, and they are both passionate as hell, and they will bring this passion into everything. they love each other that is without a doubt, but they arent perfect and they are once again stubborn and determined as fuck.

sound familiar? it's literally jetko.

the lyrics aren't what remind me of jetko, but the dynamic itself. the lyrics are too on the nose for a gay couple in 1970's america so that rlly cant apply to jetko all that much. but the way these two characters bounce off of each other and get annoyed with each other and argue with eachother reminds me of jetko. because let's be honest: these two are the most stubborn characters in the whole show. they will fight for what they believe and it will take literally everything to change their minds.

i love jetko but i think they would have petty arguments all the time and get aggravated by one another so easily. and this is even seen in canon: they work so fucking well together but they did not even HESITATE to fight one another after neither of them would give in and let the fight about whether jet was right or wrong about zuko being a firebender. like i cannot say it enough they are stubborn as fuck.

but underneath all that stubborn pettiness and bickering: marvin and whizzer still love each other. and jet and zuko would still love each other. because even though they are stubborn when it comes to arguments, they are even more stubborn and determined when it comes to each other. these two passionate motherfuckers are in love.

(now when i chose this song i decided to ignore the fact that this song literally spells out the fact that marvin and whizzer's relatinoship is doomed because they literally say passion dies. thats the difference between jetko and whizzer and marvin because i dont think passion dies. i chose this song strictly for the bickering lmao)

and i know you didnt ask about tokka but,,,,

i rlly wanna talk about the tokka one

so im going to

tokka: on my own- les mis

look. i KNOW this song is about unrequited love and i love tokka as a couple but,,, the unrequited love in this song just SCREAMS unrequited tokka to me so thats what i went with.

eponine is a girl who has neglectful parents who lives life by her own rules: toph. eponine is shown to be tough and confident and spunky to others but behind all of that she has emotions, she feels love, she hides her vulnerability so much: toph. she is in love with a guy she cant be with because he loves someone else: TOPH

eponine is toph to a t and toph is eponine to a t. this is not up for debate lmao

"without him i feel his arms around me"

toph is always seen grabbing onto someone (and its almost ALWAYS sokka) when she's somewhere where she can't use her feet to see. FEEL and ARMS cmon. look at it.

"and i know / i know that he is blind"

COME ON. IMAGINE TOPH SINGING THIS LINE. this line is already powerful enough in les mis but having toph, a blind character, sing it just makes the symbolism even deeper. toph sees the potential relationship they could have together. toph sees that sokka is oblivious to this. toph is not blind to the truth or the potention, but sokka is blind to her feelings. im about to lose my mind over this line.

"I love him / But every day I'm learning / All my life / I've only been pretending / Without me / His world will go on turning / A world that's full of happiness / That I have never known"

i need to sit down for a moment. toph grew up in a household where her parents did not understand her. she has learned to hide her true emotions and vulnerabilities from everyone. and its the fact that toph knows that she and sokka will never be together and the fact that she still loves him in spite of that is what makes this even more heartbreaking.

"but only on my own"

TOPH AND EPONINE SWEETIES I LOVE YOU

thank you for indulging my theatre kid nonsense. you are very sweet and kind and lovely and awesome and i hope you have a lovely day bestie :) <3

ask me why i think these songs go with these ships

[smallestclowninthecircus]

Season 3 notes popping off

due to my desire to not completely fail all my classes this year i made myself slow down significantly while listening to this season, and the fact that the other person i'm listening along with had to catch up. We've managed to convert several other people to start listening and its pretty great.

ep 81: what does it even mean to be chosen by one of them? And if he was chosen by the eye. we know Gertrude wasnt? Because she cut the eyes out of the magazines?

ep 82: elias lmao. I understand why people like him so much bahshdhdk i thought he was gonna snitch on Jon but he didnt so he's fine. Ok but how do we think he knew all that stuff. Idk probably just institute connections. I love the fact that the recorder just wants to record stuff randomly bjahsjdhd. Elias feels a lot like Michael in the sense that he knows more than he should and talks in a way that implies he just wants to wait and see how things play out for his own benefit. I understand him knowing the things that happened but his description of her emotions implies something paranormal. Maybe he's connected to one of the entities. Which one I cannot guess.

ep 83: did a file get delivered randomly to the place he's staying at? Probably elias lmao. He thinks the mannequin is related to the stranger. Idk I would believe it.

ep 84: worms? I know he says earth worms but idk. Again? Is she making gordon golems out of trash? Martin popping off. You can tell the statements get to him more that they get to Jon. How come martin is so mad about it? I want to assume he just doesnt want her to get stuck there but idk. Jude Perry. The calliope organ. Jon heard a circus in one of the last episodes

ep 89: he's talking to perry? Like jude Perry? He says ... God? Is that what it is? Lmao. The Desolation. Jon is tired of ppl being vague and not telling him stuff lmao. Oh God Jon is so confused. Compel her? Is she assuming he has some kind of power? Does he have powers? Hmm. im agreeing with jon here please jesus christ why does everyone have to be so cryptic. Just say what you mean. "maybe you get an itchy eye" bahasjkdfklsjdf girl what. Agnes saved her? Oh this is the girl from the cafe story? So theres the Cult of the Lightless Flame? They worship whatever entity this is? The Desolation? Why do they all seem like they sorta worship her then? Is Gretchen gonna die oh god. fuckin michael. a different michael aaah. i see. dont do it shes gonna burn you. sir. please. sir dont you dare do- WHAT DID I SAY what did you think was gonna happen hhh.

ep 90: try to make it less obvious you're trying to get fired big T. Elias that doesnt sound like the most healthy thing to do. oh dear is this gonna be triggering for me. uuuuuh. uuuuuuuuuh. doesnt seem like it ok gonna keep listening. Jared. hmmmmm. Ok we've seen Keay and hotner or whatever his name was.

ep 91: Michael Crew. Oh is this the lightning scar guy. Mister jon sir did you just die. No? God everyone is so fuckin cryptic. Say normal things please. They all just like to go on about pain and agony and j e s u s c h r i s t we get it you got hurted by whatever thing. So theyre avatars? question mark? Jude Perry is an avatar of The Desolation? hhhh fractals. thats a spiral thing innit. Yup. messing with your perceptions. God they all talk about feeding their god and feeding that which feeds them and. hh what does that meann. Leave big J. please. uh oh. is it daisy? how come he has the web lighter still? the tape recorder just turns on sometimes you know how it is. So he can compel people? not that he knows it obviously but. a bit wack. powers go brr i guess? If the eye just wants knowledge i guess he feeds it by getting the statements? b/c i doubt it wants him to murder ppl or whatever.

ep 92: elias you all knowing fuck what do you know. (i guess all given what i just said) Lukas. Heard of them before. Mordecai Lukas. Loneliness. The lonely even. Jonah Magnus. Elias ur sounding like a bit of a dickhead rn. lmao jon's just like "i dont care" elias what is ur deal. Why does he want to tie her in. ohh i see. lmao theyre all just like "elias why" The Unknowing lol seems very much like something the eye wouldnt like. lol elias is gettin all philosophical. what does it really mean to be human. this still doesnt answer why gertrude wanted to destroy the archives tho.

ep 93: bahsjdfh he seems so dead inside rip. awww admiral. i love him already. ghh breacon and hope. purple mold. doesnt sound like anything we've seen so far. I think the funniest explanation for breacon and hope is that they dont actually serve the stranger they just kinda happen to be a random neutral party that cart around random spooky entity related stuff. ooooh. when we hear the slight static of the tape recorder it's cuz he's compelling ppl.

ep 94: the end! listen man they were all just grayed up for 4/13.

ep 95: the end also? death but also savagery/ animalistic shit. aww martin. lmao becerra. she's just been chillin in the corner.

ep 96: return to sender. haha minecraft go brr. prediction: breacon and hope? yup there we go. jon why is there an echo. are you in a stairwell? is he gonna eat it- yup. how did i call it. unsure abt what theyre talking about but ok. they kidnapped someone? Sarah Baldwin. ooooh that guy.

ok im just putting this here so i have notes for when nicholas gets to this part. It seems like (from jon's conversation with jude perry) that the desolation and the eye are kinda at odds with eachother? like i guess not directly but it seems like they dont really vibe? so how could be with both. Cuz if he has the heat powers and shit then we know he's an avatar of the desolation. but then why does he have so much eye imagery. also he got burned intentionally? like jude did when she went on her monologue about the feeling of burning? but then why did he wear the eye pendant. it stops him from being burned all the way which seems like he's not fully accepting the fire or whatever.

Nooooo I lost like a bunch of my notes rip. I keep forgetting to save.

Ep 104: tim gives a coherent statement without jon even being there. Ugh. Fucking robert smirk. Dont like him. Joey. Dont recognize the name. The show must go on. Clown. The spooky circus?

ep 105: total war... shogun 2? jon is just understanding languages again. "if i understood mandarin or cantonese" are you sure you dont big man?

ep 106: havent we heard this one already? mans in space? oh no this is just another episode in space. fairchild... uuuh. cant remember. oh! this is related to that! this is one of the ppl from the other side. sounds like a Vast thing. oh he's the one that the dude saw? but that guy didnt have a face... she's sorta like jon. wanting to dismiss the statements. lmao i love the workplace gossip. ace jon for the win! oh cmon elias dont be a dick. sunny meadows or whatever. thats the place we heard about.

ep 107: oh great is it jude perry again. Third Degree. bahahsdkfj she was arrested. sorry but imagining this old british lady getting arrested is funny. she was trying to resurrect him. using the skin book. he's not feeling well. jon take a nap. i wonder if this is what happens when he uses his powers too much. He gets into The Zone when he reads statements lol. didn't we have a burning train car in anothre statement? is it julia fairchild? bahahahs "kidnapped. Again." poor jon honestly. julia... about her dad. daughter of the murder shed guy? hunting like your dad liked to hunt or normal people hunting. oh hunting vampires!

ep 108: melanie has been suffering. poor martin peter lukas why do you have to be like this. can he not just use the front door? does he have to bother the ppl doing statements?

ep 109: how come he cut her off? kinda rude tbh. its either jon's influence or there was smth he didnt want her saying. is it gerard on the table? this sounds kinda like smth from one of the university episodes. is it the closed eye on the hand? yup. he's like one of the students! if the thing listening in is elias then... he can do that without the tape recorder yknow. plus who's to say it wont just turn itself on again

110: who wants to bet its a leitner?

111: Lukas related to The Lonely. I used to not like Gerard that much but i like him more now. but i thought there were 15? ohhh thats right isnt flesh newer? gerry for the win honestly. finally telling jon things.

112: lol "again" no one ever tells any of these ppl anything. tim and basira are just out of the loop constantly. music, like the war episodes. The hunt or the slaughter? probably the hunt. so Daisy is related to the hunt right? basira likes the reading, she's doing fine at the institute. daisy's getting worried...

113: it just turned on randomly. what is it lol. explossives! oh boy. why do they always assume he turned it on intentionally. melanie youre not making me like you that much. which entity is this about i cant tell. lol he was disappointed it was just the end. The title Breathing Room made me think it was gonna be about the buried but i guess not. So many of these entities deal with death but the end is one that deals in just death. it has no need for fancy deaths, just death is enough

114: more hilltop road statements? the tree. oh boy. ok the tree has 8 arms obviously theres the spider parallels. was she taken into an alternate universe? oh no. jon tries to phrase things so he's not asking questions. thats honestly good. "sometimes i was kidnapped" oh dear. they got gertrude. daisy ur so odd lmao. who wants to bet they dont know the tape recorder's running?

115: silaca? or whatever? antique man? meat grinder... related to the meat is meat episode? oh wow. they buy antiques from him. maybe dont antagonize this creature which can kill you?

116: lol theyre all just so done with elias. music? is it like the one band that if you hear them you die or wtvr. oh its chess? i am very much confused. mmm stranger go brr. gorilla skin? oh shit the dance. woah. this is so good. this is so gender. the words are wonderful. "you can just say tim" lmao trying to fool elias never feels like a good idea.

117: except elias lmaoo. oh shit. leitner getting some use for once idk. bruuh poor melanie she has been thru so much shit. martin you can just say youre worried about jon. lol he's so accurate in his jon impression. lol who was that. was that daisy? lmaoo. oop hi tim. oh god i hope tim doesnt die. i feel like i wouldve heard about that? but im not sure. destroying the source of knowledge is gonna be hard for jon. yay jon! you did a good thing. let him rest.

118: go off martin lmao. awww poor martin. oh god the tape gets that squealy quality and its awful.

119: woah. lots of things happening. uhh. POP OFF TIM!!

120: lmao elias giving a statement about jon's dreams lol. damn jon doesnt even get his own dreams? has to stay Watching even when he's asleep? f in the chat this man goes thru so much shit. oh boy its peter. lol martin my beloved. idk i dont trust peter.

[chat-noir-always-here]

I rewatch Miraculous—The Bubbler

Okay here we go time to dive back into French Sailor Moon aww hell yeee

(J.K. I’ve never sat through a single episode of SM in ma life)

•Tikki’s face when Mari is trying to kiss the Adrien collage wallpaper is low-key funny

•plagg lacks toe beans

•how do you “accidentally” come across your childs emails when cleaning their room? Mari’s mama is devious.

•Adrien is that a cookie keeping your breakfast crescents company? Just like Adrien to have cookies for breakfast.

•Adrien’s pained expression after Nathalie tells him happy birthday😭😭😭poor cinammon roll child

•nino: “You’d think he at least remembers to be young and wanna party a little!”

Adrien: “No Im pretty sure he was a downer back then too.”

LOL roast him, Adrien. Here Gabriel have some ice for that burn.

•Why does Nino’s shirt remind me of Goofy’s Monsters inc. appearance from Kingdom Hearts 3?

• “Am i seeing what I think I’m seeing? Dont tell me its Adriens birthday!” Girl you been his friend since childhood you cant remember it on your own?

• “Dont be a pushover! Literally!” Yeah that goes for Sabrina and Adrien too. You two let Chloe do whatever she wants with you? Yeesh.

• “Ring the doorbell.” Yeah for real ring the doorbell thats what its there for. 🙄🙄🙄

•Mari been forgetting to sign notes since episode one

Facepalms

•Bitch please you cant buy your own son a birthday present instead of bullying Nathalie into stealing Mari’s???

•that fucking painting hanging on the wall right where the staircase in Agreste Mansion forks. Can we just... Can we just burn that painting? Reduce it to fucking ashes. Seriously how can people look at it and not call the French CPS that piece of “art” is the most distubring piece of possessive B.S. i have ever had the displeasure of seeing. My brain hates my eyes for seeing it every time its visible in the show

•Im sorry Nino. Im sorry this dumbass bitch said that to you. (For real tho were you expecting anything different?)

•”Adults ruin everything all the time.” Kiddo your about four-five years from being an adult maybe check yourself

•for real check yourself cuz Gabriel is an ass and said that to you just so he could akumatize you

WORST.

PARENT.

EVER!!!

•i havent played with bubble wands since i was like ten. Are tbey more popular in Paris or is it just Nino’s thing?

•Nino’s akumatized form is so ridiculous, still. First time around it nearly drove me away from this show.

•something else i found ridiculous first time around is bubbling the adults. Its a bit more frightening though when you think about how they only have so much air in their bubble. If LB and CN failed to free them they would have all suffocated to death and Paris would be populated solely by orphans.

•LB you seriously just gonna entrust a couple of kiddos to a stranger? I know you dont really have a lot of options but still. If this were a crime drama or a D.C. movie those kids might not have faired as well.

•”Wow. That was a birthday lunch break to remember. Yaaay.” Kiddo you sound so sarcastic i love it. 🤣🤣🤣

•that little pompom or whatever the hell on top of akumatized Nino’s head jiggles a little every time his head moves and im just. Ugh. Cmon couldnt they have given him a better outfit or at least something less uncomfortable????

•Plagg is literally that little devil Kronk from “The Emperors New Groove” that sits on Kronk’s shoulder and tells him to do bad things. Or in this case, sits on Adrien’s shoulder and tells him to do bad things. “Its fiiiiine shirk your responsibilities for a hot minute and dance with your buddies. Its not like theyre here under suspicious circumstances or anything.”

•Adrien, honey, if you dont want her to kiss you you should say something. I mean i get cheek kisses mean something different in France but Adrien looks really uncomfortable.

•MAAAARRRIIII you just wasted a good deal of transformation time in a fit of jealousy for what i wish i could say was the first and last time 😩😩😩

•Tikki being a good guide and scolding Mari 🙏🙏🙏

•ugh are those storebought cookies? I can practically taste those things. I hope for Tikki’s sake they’re homemade or at least warmed up.

•”You were right Tikki i never should have waited this long.” In other words you shouldve fixed the problem the first time around not wasted your transformation in a fit of jealousy like you did? Correct.

•upon hearing the truth from LB, Adrien immediatley runs off to transform. Good boi didnt know how serious the situation was, is all.

•that look LB gives CN after her yoyo bounces off his head. Giirrrrrl he boyfriend material you knoooowww itttt admit itttt~~~~

• “Kids need adults!” The way Mari says this makes her sound like such a goody two shoes, i really cant stand it for some reason. Oof am i channeling Lila?

wipes my hand on a towel then throws towel away

• LB: “Adults keep children safe and protected! They care for their kids, they love them!”

CN: “Most adults do anyhow.”

Behold the difference between their respective households summed up in two seconds. Poor Kitty boi....😿😿😿😿

•Aww the way LB is hugging her kitty as he tries to kick at it ❤️❤️❤️

• “couldnt you have said that 500 feet ago?” Sarcastic chat noir is wonderful

• LB: “we cant stay stuck in this bubble together forever!”

CN: flirty looks

In other words theres something they could do together in their bubble.

asdfghjkl🤣🤣🤣

•the kids’ bubbles look smaller than the adults bubbles. So they are more cramped and have less air. Unfair much?

• “pound it!” Theres a joke in there but i wont. F.Y.I. In French they say something like “good job” so the joke is lost in that version teehee

•”did my son like his gift?” Again bitch PICK IT OUT YOURSELF

• “hey nice scarf Adrien! Off the chain!” Alya honey where DO you get your phrasing from? The late nineties?

• “can you believe my dad got this for me? Its so awesome he’s given me the same lame pen for three years in a row.” What the hell kinda parent gives their child a flipping pen for his birthday??? F.Y.I. In French Adrien says that his father forgets his birthday every year and gives him nothing.

Annnnnnd that wraps up episode one. Ill do episode two some other time.

[plainvanillapotato]

the 100 diaries S2 E7

quarantine diaries: may 28 2020

season 2 episode 7: “Long into an Abyss” 

poor girl keenan. did they really just throw her out there without telling her first?? wow DOCTOR TSING. sacrifice for the ‘greater good’??? do no harm much?! i take it that she did not take the Hippocratic oath. great. great. just great.

when did jaha get his frosty beard?? like i kinda remember seeing it in the last few episodes but for some reason now it is just very apparent. idk but it kind seems like the hair and make up team dyed it. 

abby said no. im still the captain. okay. honestly i dont like either of them as leaders. but i mean at least abby is willing to try to save my boy monty and the others in mount weather

no shit finn. it is your fault. don’t console him clarke. it is his fault. the grounders are attacking because of him.

coming full circle lincoln. back where we started. but now lincoln is just possessed. great. what on lincolns teeth? is that supposed to be human flesh? also i cant help but notice lincolns constrains are very thin. these guys are again backing on the idea that thin ass rope is lincolns krytonite. can you help him octavia asks. clarke is not god. not even a doctor. yet her she is playing doctor once again.

side note: i love how they added a constraint to his back because it looks like one of those parent child leashes

“we’re criminals right. so lets be criminals” jasper said in a button up looking like a good christian boy

lincolns restraints broke. oh thank god. this show is logical for once in its life. but this came at really bad timing

again with that headbutt!!!! and to prettyboy bellamy!!! i swear this is lincolns signature move!

i was screaming during this scene. 3 vs. 1. ofc octavia had the KO

this radiation body is gross. doctor tsing went my way my way or the highway

clarke understands grounder now.? stfu. this is a joke i struggle through 5 years of french but my listening comprehension is still no bueno. yet clarke hears a phrase once and she just knows. ok  

yes get’em nyko. blood must have blood he said. what a killjoy clarke.

i hope clarke was singing “staying alive” while performing cpr on lincoln

oooh finn are you going to kill yourself? i mean at least he feels guilty now. but i mean if lincoln is savable then ok finn can be savable i guess cuz y’all know lincoln did some pretty questionable stuff 

jasper is the unlikely mastermind. where the hell did miller get that lock picking kit? no password can hold monty. not with his asian powers. 

how come they let finn into this meeting. he is not a reliable source.

oooh jaha. loyalty politics? ok bryne supporting a sister. but dont think i didnt forget what you did in the last episode. i call justice for anya

so are clarke and abby never really gonna address the whole father thing??

jasper with that rawr while holding that sword was everything. but really monty and miller doing the heavy lifting while jasper is just fucking around

the grounders are straight up the dorthraki but with banes masks and that speak perfect english

lexa. nice throne. but its no iron throne. what is that thing in the middle of her head/ forehead. she didn’t have that before. and when did clarke get anya’s hair?? are you telling me she when to anya’s dead body just to cut it off? are you also telling me that the grounders chose lexa over anya???

dont fucking lie clarke. anya did not die well. she died by a gun shot. was one of the least epics deaths ever. ugh. still salty

what is lexas shoulder pad. the fashion on this show is insane

yeah that father son scene between dante and cage is a little too positive. but i honestly surprised that cage didnt lock dante out when dante still refused to use the kids

cutting it to the wire huh? clarke is taking a big risk but ok.

not off to the good start literally showing off the burnt bodies of their people clarke.

2 healers in the same place. at the same. practically unheard of in this show. but what a time for clarke and the grounders to walk in to see octavia crying over lincolns dead body

*clear* abby said grey’s anatomy who?

so theyre not gonna put harper down for this bone marror thing. this is rough. fuck this doctor. pretty graphic. but also pretty inaccurate for how doctors actually harvest bone marrow

“lincolns recover was...impressive”...*intense eye contact* lexa and clarke? another ship?

so really the key to the reapers is that they’re just druggies ok. and you just need to detoxify them. seems kinda too easy if you ask me

[giogio-gucci-gangstar]

Dont Stand So Close To Me (pt. 2)

https://archiveofourown.org/works/23349577/chapters/55997644

He had sent an email. Innocuous enough. Simply describing the bare minimum of what she would be doing which boiled down to being in his company. He had thought of a few set tasks she would be expected to do: make tea, edit chapters, read reference books, etc. 

Jonathan was so terrified to even think of her response. She had already agreed in person. Shouldn't that be enough?  No, he knew it wasn't. Nothing would ever be enough but having it in writing before him, having something physical to hold describing how bound she was to him was a start. 

Soon. 

Soon was in fact sooner than he thought, as she replied enthusiastically within minutes. Jonathan couldn't leave his desk, he just kept rereading her email. What did she mean when she said she was “delighted to work in such esteemed company” Was that flattery? How would she have said “I would love to grab tea with you sometime to go over details?” He imagined the words flying off her lips like a song. What was the exact intent behind her saying “love”? Was it absentminded? Intentional? A romantic implication? Regardless of the actual meaning, it was by far his favorite sentence in the email. 

Holding the email so tightly in his mind, he almost felt badly for offering her a position that didn't exactly exist. But it exists now, even if I only created it yesterday. While all Jonathan could think about was spending more time with her, however innocent, he started to worry if this was good for her. Am I just wasting time when she could have an actual job? When she should be with her friends? Writing her thesis?

No, he reasoned with himself. He was a world renowned anthropologist by the age of 25 and had gladly accepted the title of professor at the ripe age of 27. No, being with him would be good for her. He could take care of her, and her career too. Having his name on her resume, as an employer, a recommendation, he could even write her in as coauthor if this book ever started to form beyond scribbled notes. He would gladly help her with her thesis, and would have no issues financially reimbursing her for her time. 

No, this was not simply a selfish plan to be with her. He truly had her best interests at heart. 

~~~~~~~

Two days, an entire two days sustaining himself with only memories of her face, had passed. Finally it was time to see her in lecture again. Though one of the most difficult tasks of his life, he forced himself not to stare, and in fact avoided eye contact entirely. He was quite proud of his self control, though he secretly feared she would see him as rude or cold. 

It didn't appear his treatment had bothered her at all as she walked up to him after class beaming. 

“Thank you for your email, were you by chance able to see my response?” she asked unassumingly. I've read it hundreds of times. I never knew four lines could excite me so much.

“Yes, I'm sorry I never got a chance to reply!” He ruffled a hand through his hair, quite proud that he had refrained from a gushing email in response. “It's been a very busy week for me between grading papers, meetings and such.” That sounded a lot more professional than ‘I was laying in bed for two days trying to remember your voice’. 

“Oh well if you’re not terribly busy at the moment would you like to grab tea now?” She asked, her big round eyes wide with hope. She is definitely asking for a date. 

“I think that would be a wonderful break from all of this stress. If you don't mind I know the perfect place.” Jonathan was practically glowing, so terribly excited that this little date was her idea! 

The pair strolled out of the academic building idly chatting then somehow she missed a step and nearly face-planted on the ground. Luckily Jonathan’s eyes had never left her, so he was quick to the catch, carefully hoisting her up as she laughed at herself. 

“You tripped me!” Was she joking? Did she like my touch? 

“I did not! You fell down the stairs.” Jonathan protested. 

“Blaming your faux pas on an inanimate object is insulting.” There was that little quirk of her lips again, like she was challenging him to fight and tease back. 

Jonathan blushed a bit, rapidly letting go of her waist, “Just please try not to get hurt. I've gotten more scraped knees on these stairs than I care to count.” And she laughed. He was positive it was the most heavenly sound he’d ever heard. It rang out deep, throaty, and totally uninhibited, despite there being many students around. 

They made it a few blocks farther as she started telling a story about a Latin teacher she had in high school. She assured him that the teacher was insane in all of the best ways. She was so busy describing their reenactment of the roman tortoise formation that she tripped over her own foot- and right into Jonathan’s arms. Now it was his turn to laugh.

“Was that intentional or are you usually this clumsy” Or do you like being in my arms as much as I love holding you? 

“No no, it's just hard to focus on walking when you’re next to me” She didn't look down or pretend to hide her blush, she just continued to grin and look up at him. In that case should I just carry you the rest of the way?  Could I pass that off as a joke in case she was being witty?

Sadly they were nearly to the shop. Jonathan had taken her to a cozy little English tea shop nestled in what looked like an old townhouse. He greeted the old couple who ran the shop warmly. He was such a regular, and one of the few Brits in the city, that they had become quick friends. 

She quickly exchanged her greetings with the owners before taking a seat with Jonathan at a prim little table. She had only ordered a cup of lavender earl grey, but Jonathan proceeded to change it to a pot, and then added on a pot of Irish breakfast, and a three tiered tea stand. When it arrived it was filled to the brim with tea fancies, sandwiches, marmalades, and biscuits. She stared at him agape. 

“Sorry, I didnt have lunch and I'm quite hungry,” He ran his fingers through his hands again, not wanting to look like a man who stuffed his face. “Have as much as you like though! I can always order another.” She simply smiled and took a small biscuit. 

Over afternoon tea they discussed the details of her job. She would edit transcripts, mail them to the publisher (whose address in this case was Jonathan’s P.O. box), read any books that may pertain to the subject of his thesis, and any extraneous activities that he may need. Such as making tea (he could not function for long without a cup), bringing lunch, keeping him company etc. Is it too late to add sucking me off under my desk as a routine event? Those were the sort of things normal assistants did right? Pleasing their boss for a raise?

 Jonathan shocked himself with the perverted and unwelcome thought. He pushed it far down within himself gritting his teeth with disgust. He loathed the way he thought about her like that, especially when there was nothing but a flimsy table separating them. But he couldn't deny how often that situation played in his mind.

With the details agreed upon, she would start compiling and digitizing his notes the next day. The lunch ended soon after, but not before Jonathan asked for her phone number for faster contact of course. Definitely not for more personal conversations. 

~~~~~~~

Walking up to his office the next evening Jonathan heard some girls whispering rather loudly as he approached. One glared daggers at him so he paused to listen, but could only make out phrases of their conversation. 

“Professor Joestar”

 “that girl from his 11:00 class” 

“couldn't keep their hands off each other” 

“Teacher’s pet”

“Probably fucked in his office” 

It took a good deal to make Jonathan mad, but this was more than enough. He was practically vibrating with rage at the blatant disrespect of her and himself. Over things that haven't even happened yet No things that would never happen. Things that couldn't happen. 

“Excuse me girls, I couldn't help but overhear your rather loud conversation concerning me and your classmate. If you have any issues I would be happy to discuss them with me during my office hours.” He peered between the girls, all of them haughty with sneers of jealousy on their faces. “But I dont think Ive ever seen any of you there before…”

“Teachers pet, you said?” Jonathan looked into the redhead’s eyes, the girl who had made the snide remark. “Kaylee is it? Perhaps you would be ‘teacher’s pet’ if you attended office hours and didn't already have a C in my class two weeks in.” He glared at all the girls now, giggling at their friend’s misfortune. 

“I recommend putting more effort into my class than this nonsense.” 

Horribly cruel girls, he couldn't believe they had the nerve to mock not just their professor, but her too. He gave them a curt nod before walking quickly away, though not in the direction of his office. He could skip grading papers this evening. He needed her immediately. 

He took out his phone and finally dialed the number that his fingers had been itching for. “Hello?” 

“Jonathan, is everything alright? Did I forget to do something?” 

“No, everything is fine. Are you free to come over to my apartment tonight?” Oh that sounded too suggestive  But before he could think of some reason she must immediately come over, she replied. 

“I’d be happy to,” he could practically hear her grinning through the phone, “what’s the address?”  

~~~~~~~

[curioscurio]

i think i might have adhd- my therapist thinks so too, based on quote unquote 'anxiety symptoms leading to exhaustion' but im afraid to go to my doctor and ask about being diagnosed/gettings meds cause i also think people will just think im trying to get meds. did you have any symptoms that stood out particularly that turned about to be tied to adhd?? or how they affected you? tysm!!! 💕

Hey! Thanks for the ask! I'm still very new to the game myself so dont take my word as law but: I'm pretty sure that if your therapist believes you have ADHD then they can write you a refferal letter to show to your doctor, who then can either perscribe you medication or refer you to a psychiatrist that will do further screenings.

Most of my generalized anxiety stems from my adhd, especially time management, organization, executive dysfunction, and inability to focus on things that dont capture my interest.

Some things I noticed that directly aligned with adhd symptoms are that I have a very very hard time keeping my room clean. It would get so bad and I would never have any motivation to clean it and didnt get much satisfaction from it. It's gotten better recently in that while on meds, I can clean my room without getting distracted by (let's say an old sketchbook) things and spending hours invested in it. And I do feel much better knowing it wont be so hard next time I have to clean it either.

I am always late. Always. My time management would make me late to everything, especially college classes since I had to self manage getting around campus!! Even things that didnt have an immediate deadline I would put off until last minute or procrastinate until I was either rushing to get it done last minuite or give up on doing it entirely.

Also: homework is the bane of my existence. I could learn so much from a class and feel like I was really getting the subject, but never completing or turning in homework would always drag my grades down. Studying was impossible for me because I would sit and draw instead of taking notes and fooling myself into thinking that it was actually helping me focus! (That's just me, some people actually do focus better when drawing while listening!)

Executive dysfunction really makes doing anything so fucking hard sometimes lol and I realized that even though this very easy task would take 5 mins to complete I would still just. Not do it and then feel bad about it. I would always have an overwhelming feeling of guilt for not doing something that was easy and would help my life out!

Another huge thing was memorization. My memory is really the worst of my adhd because I always will forget what assignments are due when and also forget just general things that are very important. It's hard to keep certain thoughts like "remember to buy eggs" "moms birthday is xx/xx/xxxx" "I have already told this story to you?" In my head. They slip away so easily!! Also things like names and key info I will forget unless you're my good friend. In order to remember something I have to write it down physically somewhere that I can keep reminding myself.

Not finishing things maaaaaay be a symptom?? But basically I have this habit of almost finishing things like projects and TV shows and laundry and stuff. A girl gets distracted lol.

Hyperfocusing is also a huge part of adhd. I would spent hours on hours reading harry potter as a kid over and over, as well as watch a bunch of sailor moon (like all the seasons) and sit and draw for hours. Now I try and guide my hyperfocusing towards priority school work, but it honestly just makes whatever catches my attention the ONLY thing I'm thinking about for sometimes days on end.

And lastly for now, something I believe is adhd is having one lyric, word, or phrase stuck in your head on repeat for hours. Yesterday I spent 2 hours with Mrs. Incredibles line from the begining of the movie where she is washing Jack Jack in the sink "We are now OFICIIALY moved in" on loop. Like as soon as the line was over it would start again in my head and just happen over and over till I forgot about it LMAOOO

I hope this was helpful!!!

[trenchcoatkitten]

So I’ve been reading Temperature of the Heart, and you’ve mentioned how you have the whole thing written already. Can you describe what that’s like? What’s your writing process? How long does it take for you to write everything start to finish? Do you plan it all out or just kind of wing it? How long do you sit in an idea before you start?? Sorry about all the questions, I’m just so curious >_

bro!!! are you sure i will scream about writing for days omg

first of all THANK YOU its so freaking cool that you came to ask your questions and that you like my writing, im still sort of getting used to my writing not just being garbage that i read in the dark at 2am and never share with anybody, and i am always excited to answer questions waaaah 

(THIS IS GOING TO BE LONG I APOLOGIZE IM PUTTING A READING BREAK IN CAUSE I WENT OFF BRO, IM THE WOOOOORST) 

my process is pretty weird, it’s kind of all over the place? I’m kind of a halfway planner halfway pantser. I have an idea and usually make some disjointed notes about character and the main idea, in my phone or maybe on a google doc, and then a pinterest board maybe? Something to get excited about, a visualization. I ALWAYS tell myself im going to make an outline first and then i ALWAYS just jump right into writing because I’m too excited/impatient to wait. give me words on a page. give me dialogue. 

Usually when I’m a little bit into the project, when i know that I’m not going to abandon it to the depths off where my WIPs go to die (rip like literally over 300 individual and unique works, this is NOT an exaggeration, you should see my document bank its gross) Ill say “ok fuck you sami its time to actually know where you’re going” and I’ll sit down and make the grossest outline you have EVER seen. like im talking, my outlines are littered with memes, me yelling at myself, actual stuff thats going to end up in the final project, and just general random garbage? its so gross. Ive literally only showed one of my outlines to one person ever (hi akira!) bc im super self conscious of them and hate the way that i write them. making an outline usually sucks up an entire day of writing. they’re pages and pages because some parts will be INCREDIBLY specific and other parts will be so vague you dont even know

From there, when im done with my garbage outline, (after going back through what I’ve written and fixing the shit that was just me going off like a psycho) I usually start writing in earnest. I’ll highlight the parts of the outline that I’ve done and I’ll go back and check it often to make sure im following through on my plans and the character arcs and such, making sure that everything ties in and such. This section is me like. every day getting home from work or whatever and sitting down at the computer and not moving until 2am, this is the section where i forget to eat and I dont sleep enough and i forget to drink water or take my vitamins and I do word sprints with myself and have days where I write 10 thousand words in one sitting. (very not healthy and also terrible i do NOT recommend) this is the section where I’ll handwrite anything i can in the back of classes and at rehearsals because im pouring out words.

during this section I go back and edit ENDLESSLY. i cannot write something and just let it be. I go back to the section I wrote the night before, I go back to the section I just wrote, i go back to the very beginning. I generally dont have to do 1st 2nd 3rd draft this way, but it is much more time consuming as Im just writing. i dont know if i reccommend this its a MESS

THeN once i finish writing the whole thing, i sit down and reread/edit the whole thing once through. this makes sure i have good flow, the paragraphs go together well, the prose feels right to me, timelines make sense. during this time i make ENDLESS paper notes with calendars, section notes, additions, drabbles, thoughts about my own shit. i have notebooks full of just garbage. im not kidding. full notebooks. 

Once I finish that read/edit through I’m usually happy. only once something is completely finished will I consider posting. I go back too much, I add shit, I can’t let go of shit, not until it’s done. While I’m posting - I go through the chapter I’m going to post with a fine tooth comb, try to catch any tiny little mistake, add words here and there, but never change anything large if I can help it. Then i format it on Ao3 (this is literal hell, fuck the HTML editor it wants me to die) and then post it. Deciding to post a chapter to actually hitting ‘post’ usually takes me 1-4 hours, depending on the length, the difficulty of formatting, and how many goddamn links i wanna put in the chapter notes cause im the worst~ (insert jean ralphio voice) 

~~~

LISTEN im probably super extra but I’ve been writing since I was in sixth grade (thats twelve years! time is an enigma and i hate it!) and so I have a bit of practice, i have a bit of experience and while I’m not the best me that I can be, I KNOW myself, and this is just what works best for me. 

As for timing - it depends on the length of the project and how motivated I am. It took me about a month to write Royal (~50k), just a little over a month to write All Might’s All Night Shop Stop (~75k), and just about two months to write Temperature of the Heart (~115k). I try to post every few days, because as a person I hate waiting and I don’t want to do that to my readers! 

~~~

As for the ‘how long do i sit on an idea before writing it’ it really depends. Some things I will receive inspiration or a sliver of an idea and start writing it in the next ten minutes, even if I have to stop working on something I’m already working on, because that was Brain Has Decided. Sometimes I will consider an idea for like. months before actually doing it. I’ve had the idea for FBoW (the newest thing im working on oops? have i told anybody about this NO cause that will make it REAL) since before I started Royal, which was like. Last november. But I just couldnt quite do it for some reason, and it wasn’t pressing. My brain is super broken, and a lot of times I get sick over ideas. I can’t sleep or eat until I’ve written, and I will repeat phrases to myself until i can get them out of my head by writing them down. (Sometimes this is something nice or poetic - “The golden hour lights up the whole world, wiggling its fingers into every nook and cranny, lighting up two people lounging on a bench-swing, someone leaned onto porch stairs with a mug of tea, the space between those walking down a dirt road, a couple of dogs laid out on the deck.” and other times its literally “Ranch Fiddlesticks.” I’m not kidding. i have a note in my phone that says ranch fiddlesticks because I was actually going to Die if i didnt write it down.)

I do wish my brain didn’t do this - but I guess it makes some fun art, doesn’t it? 

WOW OKAY THIS WAS SO LONG im so sorry jesus christ. SOrry i will ALWAYS go off about my process and what it’s like to write. Writing is so so important to me, I LOVE it with every tiny atom of my weak, alcohol-infused, overworked heart. Despite how scary it is sometimes I am very glad to be sharing my work with the world, seeing peoples’ reactions and hearing things about my words, hearing how this little picture in my mind has gone into yours. 

okay jfc im done now im so sorry. thank you again and again and again, a thousand times over, for reading my work and enjoying the worlds that i enjoy building. It makes me feel like I’m worth it. It makes me feel like I’m doing something good. 

ily :’)

[vfdbaudelairefile13]

Misery Loves Company part 2:

This is Sunny Baudelaire:

Don't you dare underestimate her due to her age and size. She will take your foolish underestimation and make you regret it. She may be the smallest and youngest on the Baudelaire team but she is definitely a force to be feared. Sunny is armed with a strong ambition, clever wit, sarcastic tongue, and her four very sharp teeth. She is the child who walks through a storm with a smile on her face.

When Sunny meets her older half-sister, Violet, she accepts Violet with open arms. Shes excited to have a sister and shes relieved that Klaus has an older sibling who will take care of him as he has taken care of her. Sunny is determined to survive and defeat Olaf and his goons. Sunny is the peacemaker of the three children and she uses her compassion to help her older siblings see eye to eye. Sunny will see dangers and evils that no one her age should ever have to deal with but she is going to do her best to stay strong for her siblings. Sunnys the girl that finds trouble even when shes not looking for it, so Olaf better be careful. This baby girl bites back with rage and fury. Especially when you're threatening her loved ones.

《》《》《》《》《》《》《》《》《》《》《》《》《》《》《》《》《》《》《》《》《》《》《》《》

"If they open the trunk..." Violet whispered. "Klaus. You take Sunny and *run*, I'll kick them with both of my feet to buy you guys some time."

"The fuck?" Sunny whispered shaking her head.

"Sunny's right, Vi," klaus whispered. "That's not happening. We are not ...we are not splitting up again. Either all three of us survive or none of us,"

"But...Snickets take care of their own..." she whimpered.

"Ohana," Sunny whispered to Violet, shifting her head to look at Vi. "Just us," she said holding up three fingers. "You, Klaus, Me," she said as she pointing at each finger.

"You're not just a Snicket, Vi. You're a Baudelaire..." klaus reassured her. "And we Baudelaires take care of our own, too,"

Violet smiled at both of them but shook her head. "I'm the eldest...its my job to..."

"Stand down, little soldier," Klaus whispered. Using the exact phrase that violet had used when she told him that she was gonna do everything in her power to defeat Olaf. "Little brother and sister are here,"

"Not alone," Sunny agreed.

Violet looked from Klaus to Sunny and gave them both a small smile. She knew that they meant what they said...they had just saved her from being Olafs captive but she couldnt help but hear Olafs cruel words replaying in her mind. The orphans heard Olaf and his gang get out of the car. They heard a sharp noise poking at Olafs trunk. They believed it was the hook handed man. Sunny bared her teeth ready to attack, although she was scared. She didnt know *exactly* what Esme and Olaf wanted from her older siblings but she knows she didnt want them to get what they wanted. Klaus started breathing rapidly, worried that they were going to open the trunk. He put one hand on Sunny and the other one Vi, closing his eyes. Violet noticed Klaus was breathing heavily through his mouth and she was scared that he was making too much noise. So she quietly slid a hand over his mouth to muffle the noise, making sure to not cover his nose so he could still breathe.

They froze as they could hear the mans hook rattling around the trunk handle.

"What are you doing?" Olaf asked. Klaus started shaking because his eyes were closed and he believed Olaf was talking to him and his sisters.

"Getting the trunk wine for Esme..." the hook handed man explained.

"Forget the trunk wine!" Olaf replied. "We have to find those brats!" He said punching the trunk of the car. Violet hoped that if Olaf continued to hit the trunk, that he wouldnt hit it hard enough to make it open. 

"But the wine..." Esme whined

"Madame Lulu will provide us all with beverages. My sweet. Let's go. We dont have a minute to lose," olaf said walking ahead and everyone in his troop followed him. Esme growled under her breath but followed along.

The children laid in Olaf's trunk for several silent minutes pondering whether or not the coast was clear. "We are doomed," Klaus whispered.

"Honestly, we're lucky hes such an asshole and assumes that someone will provide beverages for him," violet whispered.

"Out?" sunny whispered which meant, "do you think the coast is clear and we can get out of here?"

"If we're being honest, we shouldnt have gotten into this trunk in the first place," klaus whispered as Violet rolled her eyes.

"This is what happens when you listen to my loopy ass," she joked as she began reaching around for the emergency handle to open the trunk.

"*listen?* you think I had a choice?" Klaus hissed back annoyed at Violet's joke. "Your loopy ass picked up my sister and put her in this fucker's trunk! What was I supposed to do? Wave goodbye?"

Violet frowned but didnt respond. While Sunny gave Klaus a mean glare. "*Our*," she reminded Klaus.

"Sorry," he muttered feeling bad because he was still adjusting to the fact that he wasnt Sunny's only sibling anymore. "I'm trying, Vi."

"Uh-huh. No...its fine... you're still adjusting," Violet said only half believing that he was sorry as Olaf's words kept replaying in her mind. She sighed. "Sunny? Do me a favor, hun. Since you can move around better than we can. Find a red hand that says emergency. Pull it and the trunk should open." Violet explained.

"Copy that," Sunny replied as she shuffled herself off of her two siblings. Violet and Klaus laid there as Sunny slowly crawled around. "No luck," Sunny replied after a minute.

This sent Klaus into a frenzy. He began to shake and tears formed in his eyes. "We are sitting ducks," he said. "Hes gonna come back and need something from his trunk and we are either going to die from hunger, dehydration, or by his hands."

Violet rolled her eyes. "Stop overreacting. I can figure this out. I just need to..." she said as she realized that she was in a hospital gown. Which had no pockets. Which means she didnt have any of her ribbons. "He has my ribbons..." she said sorrowfully.

"Yep. We should never have gotten into this fuxking trunk." Klaus muttered angrily.

"Are you a broken record player? Got some new complaints?" Violet asked.

"Actually...yeah, first off..." Klaus began.

"Stop," Sunny interrupted sternly. She hated when they argued. She just wanted her tiny family unit to stay united. She looked sternly at both siblings as she traced her fingers in her blonde hair, pulling out her yellow ribbon. "Spare?" She asked Violet as she handed her the ribbon.

"Thanks, Sunny. Its smaller than mine but it should work. I'll give it back to you."

Sunny shook her head. "Keep," she said smiling. "My gift,"

"You're seriously the sweetest thing ever, Sunshine." Violet said as she struggled to tie her hair while laying down.

The entire time Klaus was shaking and imagining the worst outcome which was obviously Olaf finding them in his trunk like a pack of sardines in a can.

 Sunny watched her brother and crawled to him. "Never hurt again," she said slowly putting a gentle hand on his chest. Klaus looked at Sunny who smiled back at him. "Protect," she whimpered pointing from herself and Violet to Klaus.

Klaus opened his mouth to ask Sunny something but was interrupted by Violet saying. "I got it,"

Both younger orphans looked at her as she gave Olafs trunk a good kick. Klaus' eyes got wide. "Are you *trying* to get us killed?" He asked terrified.

"No...just trust me."

"I have trusted you and look where it's got me," Klaus muttered

"Stop," Sunny replied.

Violet huffed at Klaus' response as she gave Olafs trunk another good kick. "Sunny. I need your teeth," she said.

"Hell yeah!" Sunny cheered.

"Can you two please keep it down?" Klaus begged.

His sisters ignored him as Violet instructed Sunny to use her teeth as a lockpick to unlock the trunk. After a few minutes of Sunny twisting and turning her head. The siblings each gave a sigh of relief when they heard a faint *click* as the trunk popped open slightly. Sunny take a quick glance outside to make sure the villains werent around. "Clear," she called as Klaus pushed the trunk open entirely. Sunny moved out of his way so he could get out of the trunk first. He grabbed Sunny and set her to the ground and held out a hand for Violet to help her out incase she was still effected by the anesthesia. Violet grabbed his hand and once Violet was put of the trunk. She lowered the trunk but didnt completely shut it. The children huddled together behind Olafs car. Violet shivered in the cold air and Klaus took off his suit jacket and handed it to her.

"Here...you need this more than I do..." he said.

"Thanks, bro."

"Plan?" Sunny asked as her eyes noticed the VFD insignia. "V.F.D." she muttered as she pointed in the direction of one of the carnival tents.

Violet and Klaus looked to where she was pointing and then at one another. Violet scoffed and rolled her eyes as Klaus smiled.

"A carnival? Really? Does this cult control the whole planet?" Violet asked  jn annoyed tone.

"What are you talking about? That's VFD. That's a good sign," Klaus argued

"Or a very bad one. Like *very* *very* bad sign, Klaus." Violet pointed out.

"How? Theyll know where the survivor is hiding," he explained.

"Olaf," Sunny noted.

"Sunny's right. Klaus. If this is VFD and *Olaf and Esme* are welcomed here...this might be the wrong side of VFD...well the *worst* side," Violet scoffed annoyed.

"Fuck..." Klaus whispered.

The children sat on the ground, all three trying to figure out what would be their best next move. All three scared for their lives. All three worried about surviving long enough to be reunited with whichever parent survived the fire.

[notquitejiraiya]

Chess [17] - {ShikaTema AU}

Despite all odds, and thinking I wouldn’t have got inspired to do it, here is Chapter17; brought to you on New Years Day as I planned :)

I dedicate this (which I never do) to the badass people who I’ve only spoken to a little bit, but have been so damn kind about my work and are just great people.

Enjoy :)

[Read / Comment on AO3 Here]

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

Nothing could quite compare to how Temari felt in this exact moment, nor could she relate any experience in her life to the underlying fear that had resonated since Saturday night; that ever-present pang of hurt that clung to her chest and send shivers down her spine.

Gaara, as expected, had been as helpful as he could be. When she got home, after the false smiles and tired eyes played well in front of Kankuro, she made a beeline for his room, and found him sat in bed, reading as he waited. There he had sat, looking at her with a gaze that was equal parts exhausted and excited, but it took only one proper look at her for his arms to open up. And, obviously, she ran to him.

All she’d done was explained. The evening had been pleasant, despite the fact that he was late, and very much despite the fact that he wasn’t willing to give her up as a therapist. She was not going to be any use to him anymore—she must’ve told Gaara that a hundred times over, but nothing seemed to make him speak. As always, her little brother sat and listened intently, holding her close until she eventually calmed down and fell asleep in his arms. When she’d woken up he was on the floor with a blanket and a pillow, his red hair spread messy, and she couldn’t help smiling. He was definitely her big brother at heart.

Both Sunday and Monday had been days of false smiles and hiding, reading every file but his in an attempt to recollect her thoughts and not be useless, but every road felt like it lead back to him. Every phrase that fell from a patient’s mouth felt inferior, and, while on the Monday she had her first patient who was ready to stop coming to see her, she felt no fulfilment.

She thought knowing him had been making her happy, but now she felt almost nothing at all.

But that whole time had been leading up to this moment. For two days she’d been waiting to hear that door click, torturing herself by reading his file over today’s lunchtime, and trying her absolute best to keep up with everything people said to her. Without a doubt, though, she had never felt more on edge in her life, and she stared at the doorknob, just waiting for it to turn.

As the metal glinted as it moved, Temari wanted nothing more than to hide away behind her desk or disappear away, never to return. Instead she braced herself, took a deep breath, and desperately searched for a positive in the situation.

Three-fifty-four, she noted the time. He’s early for once.

“Hi,” she mumbled, forcing a smile.

“Hi. Sorry.”

“Come sit down,” she instructed, adjusting her position on her chair. “Are you, um, doing alright today?”

All Shikamaru could do in response was nod, rubbing his neck nervously as he stepped closer. “Well, this is awkward.”

“It’s not!” she lied. “So have you had any problems since Friday?”

It was his turn to lie, shaking his head.

“Really? None?”

And again. “No.”

“How’re your family?”

Suddenly there was a smile on his face, and she could feel herself getting riled up; confused by it’s appearance. “You’ve got no idea how to talk to me now, have you?”

Temari gulped, her palms sweating. “I don’t know what you mean.”

“This is horrible,” he chuckled, shaking his head. “It feels like we’ve never even met before.”

“That’s what I was going for. You were the one who said forget about everything, Shikamaru. I’m forgetting it.”

“I didn’t mean forget how to be a normal human being.” Shikamaru sighed, sitting back into the sofa and biting his lip as his eyes looked everywhere but at hers. “I meant go back to before what happened—I meant be yourself, Tem.”

“Temari,” she argued, correcting him. “And that’s difficult, given that I knew this would happen and yet you just had to come back.”

“Tem—”

“And now I can’t help you.”

The spark that was fighting to stay alive in his eyes suddenly went out, and his arms folded across his chest, sloppy like a ragdoll. His gaze flew towards the window, and like a statue he was at once immovable.

Temari felt a lump in he throat. “Shall I grab the board?”

He didn’t move.

“Okay then, shall I just go fuck myself?”

She thought she saw that slight smile wriggle its way back onto his lips, but when she blinked it was gone. “Why don’t you just ask me about Asuma?” he mumbled. “You were on a fucking roll on Friday until I stopped you.”

“Your teacher?” She frowned. “Is there more for you to say about him? You already covered a lot of it then.”

He laughed, humourlessly. “Forget it then, jeez.” She could see his eyeballs flickering side to side, lulling closer to closing as he watched the clouds. “It’s as if you’ve forgotten your job.”

The recurring desire to punch him was crawling back to her, stronger than it ever had. “My job, Shikamaru is to help you understand yourself, and to make you feel better. And, to be really honest with you, right now I have no idea how to do that whatsoever.”

“Brilliant.”

“Will you just shut up?” she shouted, burying her face in her palms.

Shikamaru could see just from the whiting of her knuckles out of the corner of his eyes how uncomfortable she was, and the sharpness of her voice wasn’t something he was used to. Why had he at any point thought that this was going to be different from this? Did any sane part of him really think that she wouldn’t be mad at him in some way, shape or form? Of course he didn’t, so why was he so surprised that she was upset, infuriated. She almost looked broken, and the same insane part of him that was so riddled with hopeful denial wanted nothing more than to mend her somehow.

But, then again, she was Temari—from what she’d told him she was the strongest person she knew. Surely some stupid skinny asshole hadn’t shattered that person to a nervous wreck. She wasn’t like him; or, at the very least, he didn’t want to think that she felt at all like he did right now.

“Temari, I’m sorry, I—”

“I don’t want you to apologise to me. I don’t want you to even mention it.” Her eyes, bloodshot and angry stood in agreement, but Shikamaru couldn’t help thinking they didn’t give the whole picture.

He leant forward in his seat, hands locked together between his knees. His gaze turned solely on her, desperately trying not to waver and determined to not look away again. “I’m sorry I came back.”

“I just cannot believe I called you selfless, Shikamaru. You’ve come back here purely for yourself, like you don’t realise how genuinely hard this is for me to continue with!”

“We went on one date…”

“Which was one too many, Shikamaru! I—” She stopped herself abruptly, lowering her voice to a whisper. “I almost fucking kissed you!”

He gulped, eyes falling to the floor.

“I’m sorry. Did you actually want to talk about Asuma?”

“If you want me to. If it helps me get better then sure,” he mumbled, nodding.

“That’s so important to you, isn’t it? Getting better.” Her voice was almost bitter, but she masked it well with her soft smile. “That overrides everything.”

Shikamaru’s shoulders drooped. “I mean, obviously it’s important to me, but I wouldn’t say it ‘overrides everything’.”

“So, if you were to have the chance to do something that would make you genuinely happy but it would stop you getting better, you’d do it?”

He raised his head again, shaking his head with the most surprising smile yet. “I know exactly what you’re saying. My IQ is through the roof remember.”

“I never said anything about—”

“But I know that’s you’re saying. I know what can make me better, and I will do it. When I’m better I can do the things I want to do…”

It was Temari’s turn to feel her stomach fill with guilt. Despite the anger that rushed through her body, and the insane temperature at which her blood was boiling, for reasons she couldn’t quite pin down, she suddenly felt herself go cold at the sight of his smile. Not calm—no she was definitely still infuriated with him—but genuinely chilled. So many times she had looked at him and seen nothing but his usual melancholic veil of false calm, having no idea what was really happening under than dark hair and what was really inside his heart. Never had she known exactly what he was going to say; she just wasn’t able to pin him down like that.

Until now, because, strangely, he could feel it herself. So many things at once, rushing around; always taking blame and never placing it for so many unforgotten mistakes and could-have been moments, trapped in a loop of hostility towards himself that made his fingers tap anxiously…she could see it all. And, despite all her instincts as a therapist, she couldn’t bear to watch anymore.

“Most of them, anyway,” he added finally, one corner of his mouth raising, as if to convince her he was okay, really.

It didn’t work.

“I’m sorry. I never should’ve agreed to go out with you.”

Shikamaru shook his head, a deep frown carved into his expression. “Stop it. You have nothing to apologise for.”

“But, I—”

“You’re only trying to help me,” he acknowledged. “It’s my fault that I’m back here, and it’s my fault that I’ve painted myself with an extra layer of pain every hour since Saturday, and I’ve kept adding to it; checking my phone, almost calling you, almost calling here yesterday. I know its entirely my own fault, and yet I can’t shake it off.” He let out a huge sigh, squeezing his eyes shut as his head shook, trying to displace his thoughts. “I just can’t fix it.”

As she watched him haul himself to his feet, zipping up his hoodie blind, Temari felt her boots violently hit the ground and soon she, too, was on her feet, making a beeline for him. When she’s turned the corner of her desk, her hips swaying rapidly as she sped walked, she reached out to grab his arm, but his eyes flew open, and he stepped back, crossing them across his chest.

“Don’t.”

“Shikamaru—”

“Don’t, it’s fine,” he whispered, trying to stop himself listening to his own words. “I won’t come back.”

Temari was too frozen by far too many emotions to move a muscle, and so she watched hopelessly as the young man paced towards the door—faster than she’d ever seen him walk—lingering with his fingers on the door handle. She thought, maybe, that he’d look up. Or maybe he’d turn and give her one final smile—one last hurrah.

Silently he nodded once, and twisted the knob, leaving as silently as he’d entered. It took seconds for Temari to collapse on the sofa he’d just been sat on, perturbed by the warmth of spot he’d just been in, and pull her phone from her pocket. Quickly, swallowing all of her emotions and whatever pride she had left, she dialled her most called number and listened to the beeps of it ringing, and ringing, and ringing…

“Gaara,” she said to the answerphone, not caring whether he listened now or in three hours, just desperate to speak to someone or something. “Please say you’re going to the pub quiz tonight with trenchcoat-guy. I really want to come—hell I’ll even pay for your drinks, just let me come. Please!” She was aware how painful her begging was, so after a long, deep breath, she uttered the real truth, “I just really need a bloody drink.”

Outside, at the bus stop in the pouring rain, a young man put his phone to his ear and uttered very similar words. “Choji,” he sighed down the phone, “please tell me you can meet me tonight?”

“Man, I’ll be at work from six onwards, but Ino’s probably free if—”

“I’ll come. I need you, man.” He did, and his friend’s vague company would be better than loneliness tonight. He couldn’t do it tonight.

~~~

Temari knew that every other Tuesday her youngest brother would come to the pub, drink with his friends, and play some quiz she’d never considered taking part in. What she didn’t know was that said brother was really, really good at it. And, while that inevitably made her feel a bit stupid and a little more downtrodden given the day she’d already had, it definitely had it perks. Perks which consisted of a lot of free drinks for winning each round.

The clock had barely struck ten and she was convinced at this point that she’d drunk a bucket’s worth of cocktails. Never had she considered herself a cocktail person—she had always been a ‘beer-out-of-the-can’ kind of girl, with the odd gin-and-tonic of someone else could be bothered to make her one. So, unsurprisingly, the pitchers of cocktails their quiz team had one, and she had drunk, had gone straight to her head.

Temari could hold her alcohol with the big guns—she could out-drink Kankuro any day—but this was dangerous. These drinks tasted like fruit juice, and they just kept on coming. She was smart, and underneath the fuzziness and slurring, she was perfectly aware that this was not going well.

And, for once, she didn’t give a shit.

Shikamaru, on the other hand, did.

He’d spotted her the second she walked in, hiding expertly underneath his scarf so she didn’t notice him, and ever since he had been sat, hidden behind a pillar, hoping that she’d never leave her seat—never see him. She had as much right to be here as him, and yet he knew if she saw him she would get up and leave. Or, at least, she would’ve.

He hadn’t join in with the quiz, although Choji had violently urged him that he should, telling him he could get crisps or juice instead of the drinks they gave to winners if he just asked.

“Look,” he said as Shikamaru peered over at the blonde drinking some fantasy-coloured drink through a draw, “you can join in anytime. You’ll ace it if you do!”

“Choji,” he argued, “I didn’t come to play a game and eat crisps. I came to be with my mate and not be alone. If I’m going to feel sad anywhere, I may as well feel sad in a room full of noisy strangers.”

His friend had to stop himself reaching across the bar to hug him. “I’m sorry I have to work, man.”

“It’s fine. Just get me a drink.”

“Orange juice again?”

“No.” Shikamaru shook his head, biting on his lip. “Give me whiskey. Double.”

Choji’s eyes widened, and his forehead creased into a worried frown. “Man, I really don’t think you want to—”

“Choji…”

“The most you’ve drunk since you were eighteen is half a pint of weak-ass beer,” he winced, “and we all know you don’t enjoy drinking.”

Shikamaru fished out a five pound note and held it out to him. “God, you’re a pain. Keep the change, now come on.”

“Shikamaru, you don’t want this. You’ll hate me tomorrow.”

“I said double, Choji.”

The blank stare he sent his friend’s way was enough to make Choji feel as if he’d lost a war, and he could feel the pit of his stomach growing emptier as he looked into the bleak abyss of Shikamaru’s eyes. He was going to ask what had happened but now, as he unwillingly lifted the transparent bottle and measured the liquor as required, he didn’t have the nerve. Something about the lifeless urgency in the voice of his best friend made him feel broken, and after he thought it was all getting better, too.

He snatched the money and put the glass before Shikamaru. “If it weren’t for the fact that my manager is really specific with the ‘refusal of service’ rule, you would not be getting this. You’re an idiot.”

“Love you, too,” sighed Shikamaru, swirling the glass around.

“I thought you wanted to get better Shikamaru,” growled Choji, shaking his head, “but then you do this and just let yourself regress. I swear to God if it’s that girl—”

“It’s not her.” He knocked back the drink, squeezing his eyes shut. “Man, I forgot how shit that tastes.”

Choji only had to take one look at his blank slate of a face to know what was happening. “You’re going to bloody order another one, aren’t you?”

“And I thought you quit your day job as a psychic.”

The sarcasm didn’t even begin to amuse Choji, who shook his head and failed to find words. Only after he’d been called to help someone, minutes of staring at his expectant looking friend later, that he managed to speak. “Fine. But I’m not playing any part in it; ask someone else.”

Shikamaru frowned. “Choji, come on.”

“No,” his friend called back as he walked to the other end of the bar. “I can’t do it.”

After only a couple of minutes of longingly waiting for Choji to come back and throw in the towel, Shikamaru could feel himself falling into that familiar feeling of glee. Unfortunately, he knew it wasn’t real—sadly for his wallet one double wasn’t enough to fool him into genuinely feeling happy—hence the need for another. It had been so long since he’d allowed himself to do this. On occasions he’d always have one half and it would last him the whole night, and it would make him feel like he fitted in.

But this was no occasion; this was a desperate avoidance tactic, and he knew it. She was over there—the one person he simultaneously wanted to stare at the whole night and never wanted to see again—and he was painfully aware of it. He didn’t want to be aware of it.

He’d been to enough sessions with enough asshole therapists to know what he was doing, and he didn’t care—he didn’t care at all. There she’d been, suggesting to him that he was really only devoted to getting better, not feeling happy, and now he just wanted to scream, “Look at me!” until she took it back; until she took him back and rewired him as promise, fixed him as promised…

Of course, he didn’t do that. He couldn’t be bothered to do that. Instead he waved down the smiley brunette girl behind the bar and got himself the same again, and necked it instantly, forcing a smile at her afterwards when ordering another.

But the longer he sat there, the smaller he felt. It was like when he first did this, years ago, and it wasn’t washing over him the way he expected, the way he craved. Suddenly the bar stool he perched on felt to high, and his neck felt too cold, so he threw on his coat and hopped down, drinking that last whiskey and rubbing his eyes. He couldn’t leave without saying goodbye to Choji, and he couldn’t go home or else his mother would yell at him for drinking after so long of holding back.

Choji was right, no matter how much he’d deny it out loud. This was all because of her, that troublesome woman. Through nobody’s fault but his own he’d built her up as this fantasy saviour; the beautiful woman who cared about him no matter what, in a way he’d never even imagined before. And as much as he’d laugh off the ridicule from his friends about his many lonesome years, he really had never thought of anyone like that. Before this—this bizarre, impossible to pin feeling—he’d never wanted to spend time with someone just for the sake of it, and he’d never wanted to listen to someone talk about nothing like he did her.

“This is it, isn’t it?” he mumbled, so quiet he could barely hear himself. “She’s got me.”

He couldn’t leave, but he could hide from her until she left, and from Choji until the whiskey ran it’s course. And where could he hide in this pub that she was guaranteed not to go? Well, there was only one place that came to mind.

However, in his slightly drunken state as he shuffled towards his destination, the first thing Shikamaru had managed to forget that Temari still had eyes, no matter how blurry their vision was, and obviously she spotted him immediately. Stumbling to her feet, she told Gaara she was just nipping to the bathroom, and took her bag with her, slung haphazardly across her shoulder.

The second thing he forgot was that she definitely had the nerve to follow him into the men’s bathroom, and that he definitely wasn’t safe from her in there.

So, when she edged open the bathroom door, as subtly as a drunk woman can, and found him smoking next to a half opened window, she fumbled for the latch at the top of the door, locking it quickly. “You don’t drink my ass.”

Numbed, Shikamaru turned slowly, frowning in surprised. “T-Temari? What’re you—”

“You didn’t actually want to go out with me, did you?” She slurred her words into what almost sounded like three long words, and immediately Shikamaru realised he wasn’t nearly as drunk as thought he was; or as he wanted to be.

“What are you talking about?” he sighed, exasperated.

“That’s why you didn’t make any effort to impress me. You didn’t want to did you?”

Shikamaru couldn’t help but feel a pang of sadness, tapping his cigarette out of the window and letting the ash fly into the wind. “Of course I wanted to,” he insisted. “I’m just useless, Tem.”

She blinked expectantly at him, shaking her head constantly. “Bullshit.”

“Temari…”

“Temari, what?” she laughed, clearly unamused as she waved her arms about dramatically. “Temari, I’m sorry I’m a miserable git. Temari, I’m sorry I lied to you. Temari, I’m sorry I made you fancy me.”

He rubbed his eyes with one hand and took a drag with the other, strategically blowing the smoke through the window. Nothing was coming to mind to respond to her—nobody had ever silenced him in the way she did, cornered him like she did, terrified him like she did.

And he almost craved it.

Trying his best to smile, he squished the butt of his cigarette on the windowsill and left it there, turning to look at her. She looked all the more beautiful tonight, but something deep within the dark depths of the subconscious he loathed so much was telling him that was due to the alcohol in both their systems, and the rosy cheeks hers had graced her with.

With all her could muster, Shikamaru leant against the wall next to the window, hands in the pocket of his coat, before he finally opened his mouth to tell the brutal truth, “Temari, I’m sorry I couldn’t bare the idea of not seeing you again.”

Yeah, right, he mused inside his mind. As if she’s going to remember that tomorrow.

Suddenly, unexpected to him, Temari dropped her bag and advanced on him, walking in jagged lines—intense zig-zags—and he could feel his knees begin the shake. “What the hell are you doing, Tem?”

“You didn’t get it, did you?” she asked, pulling one hand from his pocket and placing it on her waist.

Gulping, Shikamaru tried his best to remove it and stay calm, but every time he almost escaped her loosening grip she grabbed his hand tighter. In the end he just kept it there, and stared into her gorgeous teal eyes with the most passive desperation. “What?”

She wrapped her arms around his neck, her lips centimetres away from his. “Why I asked you to stop seeing me as a patient.”

When she bit her lip, despite all his attempts, Shikamaru felt his knees quiver more and more. “I, um,” he mumbled, voice managing to remain steady despite his body’s weakness. “I think I need to go find your brother, and—”

“No, please don’t,” begged Temari, her nose brushing against his so delicately.

There was no denying that he wanted to hold her, and he wanted to kiss her, just as she was clearly attempting. He couldn’t lie to himself and say he hadn’t had a sleepless night wondering what the hell would’ve happened if the other night this had happened instead of their sad reality. But he didn’t want it like this.

He could only just smell the floral notes of her perfume, over the alcohol that plagued the air, and while she smelt of sweet tropical juice rather than anything evenly mildly bad, he couldn’t change the truth: they were drunk, and he didn’t want it to happen this way.

“Temari,” he whispered. “Tem, are you paying attention?”

She hummed softly, her forehead flush against his now.

“We can’t do this, love.”

A soft moan fell from her lips, and the hairs on the back his neck stood on end. “Why not?” she whined.

“Because we’ll regret it,” he sighed, himself a little upset by the fact.

“I-I won’t,” insisted Temari, stubborn as ever.

“You will,” Shikamaru corrected, smiling slightly as he pushed her away. “Can I borrow your phone?”

She frowned and held onto his shoulders for support as she stumbled backwards. “Why?”

“I just want to let your brother know you’re okay.”

It took a long time of him standing with his hand out expectantly, but eventually Temari caved with a smirk and handed him her phone. While she wasn’t quite sure why she couldn’t have just done that, she didn’t question him. Probably because in that exact moment, she wasn’t quite sure about anything.

“There,” he mumbled, biting his lip as he handed it back. “I told him you’re getting some air and will probably make your own way home.”

“He won’t be fine with that.”

Buzz.

She looked down at her phone and the text message that appeared on the screen.

Gaara: Fine. See you later :)

“Okay, maybe he will,” groaned Temari, “but where the hell are we going?”

Shikamaru shrugged, hands in pockets as he watched, amused, as she tried to slot her phone into her bag. “I can take you home?”

“And risk Kankuro punching you?” she cackled laughing.

“Then that’s a no.”

“Take me home with you.”

He almost choked on his own spit. “What?”

“Please,” she whined. “Take me home with you.”

“No!”

“Why?”

“Because you’ll wake up in the night and punch me.” He could hear himself, and the melodrama he was spouting, but he still didn’t sound worried, as such.

“Then where?”

Shikamaru bit down on his lip and accepted the arm she slung around his shoulders. “I have an idea.”

~~~

“No.”

“But Choji,” he pleaded, this time taking the role of the whining one, “neither of us can go home.”

Choji shook his head. “I’m not giving you whiskey and letting you bang your therapist in the same night. I already feel like a shit friend as it is.”

“I’ve sabotaged myself here, man,” insisted Shikamaru. “And I promise we won’t do that. I just want to make sure she has somewhere to sleep, man.”

“She has a house!”

“Where she’ll talk about me and then everyone will feel even more shit than already.” He raised his eyebrows. “Man, I didn’t ask for her to follow me into the bathroom.”

Surprised, Choji’s mouth fell open. “She didn’t?”

“Yeah, she’s smashed.”

“She needs to go home.”

Shikamaru nodded, sighing.

“You’re still drunk, aren’t you?”

“Only with the words, man. Brain is doing fine.”

Choji raised his eyebrows and smiled at his friend, pulling him in for a hug, which Shikamaru begrudgingly accepted. “If you hug me back you can have the keys to my flat?”

The thinner man hugged tighter than he ever had.

“They’re in my coat out back. Use that door.”

Shikamaru smirked. He had a true friend in this guy, and he found out as much more every single day.

~~~

Temari sighed, throwing her spoon into the plastic bowl Shikamaru had given her and fell back into the couch. “I can’t believe we’re literally above a fish and chip shop and you didn’t let me buy any.”

“You shouted at the guy that you would ‘kiss in return for fish’.”

“Damn right I did,” she laughed.

Shikamaru chuckled. “And I thought I was the asshole.”

“You definitely are.”

“Tem, I just cooked you pasta at, like, twelve-a.m.”

“You’re right,” nodded Temari. “You’re a saint.”

He looked over at her and smiled, almost sadly. Choji’s flat was very small, a room with a bed and a wardrobe, and another with a small kitchen and a couch, but Temari had made herself right at home. He couldn’t help but admire how she did that. Not taking into account the fact that she was drunk out of her mind, he also couldn’t believed the way she was slowly sinking towards him, arms wrapping around him.

“You’re wonderful, Maru.”

His eyebrows raised. “Maru. New one.”

Temari looked up, hurt. “You don’t like it.”

“I don’t care,” he mumbled. “You go ahead.”

“Thank you,” she whispered, tracing patterns on his chest through his shirt. “You’re really wonderful.”

“You said.” If you couldn’t see inside his head, you’d have thought he was fed up of hearing that brilliant sentence. “You should go to sleep, Tem,” he added, changing the subject.

“I was stupid to make you feel so small. I made you feel like shit, didn’t I?”

“You didn’t,” he lied, letting her position his arms to hold her. “Just get some rest.”

“You’re wonderful, you know?”

Shikamaru smiled, the most real and fulfilling smile he’d had in a long time. “So are you, Tem. So are you…”

[boyvidae]

i changed my mind here’s my post about my dad, it’s just me rambling.

i got stuck in a feedback loop this morning thinking/talking about my dad. why do i have to reiterate the same points at MYSELF? i already know. im quite literally preaching to the choir. i just get so hyper focused on the thoughts. i sat on the bed for a couple hours just going over it all again and again.

maybe im just unfulfilled because it's all stuff i'd love to unload on him but just can't so i resort to repeating it again and again for any kind of respite. it's all so overwhelming sometimes. all the time.

and maybe i'll say it to him one day but probably not. it all feels like stuff you just DONT say to people. but also? i know im just protecting him. like my immediate thought is always "oh it will make him sad/suicidal" like. okay. and how many times has he done that to me, without giving it a half thought? and i spend literal months, YEARS agonizing over whether i should say something lest it hurt his feelings?

the last time we talked face to face i brought up something, a period of time, that has left me. irrevocably changed. like, i will never forget the way he treated me, the way he made me feel, the things he said to me during that time. even thinking about them now, i can feel my heart race and my chest tighten. and i finally brought it up to him after spending almost two years wondering how to do it or if i ever should. and it was after i asked my mom what i should do.

and honestly i don't think it was the best time (in terms of having an actual dialogue. it fit what i wanted in the moment.) but his reaction had me run away and burst into tears. i haven't had a reaction like that in a hot minute. i said i didnt want to see him again and i still kind of feel that way.

he messaged me the next morning over it (which i should note, was such an absurd occurence that when i saw i had a new message, i jokingly said to myself "maybe it's from dad!" and lo...) and actually gave me a halfway decent apology (all while rug sweeping and insisting he doesn't remember any of what happened. which i honestly sadly believe. it's just regular behaviour, why would it stand out to him?) but. i still kind of feel like i dont want anything to do with him. im supposed to see him saturday and i don't have much of a choice in the matter. but i don't really know how to act.

im just so tired of it being all about HIM and how SAD he is. he has all my sisters wrapped around his shitty finger because he cries and is suicidal. like... i don't care! i do, and i dont want him to die or whatever, but i don't care. i care about me and my mom and my little sister. and that's ME, FIRST. the only thing before ME are my dogs! i cant spend the rest of my life putting myself last and i wont. where was he when what HE SAID made ME sad and suicidal? he's already talking about stopping the little therapy he attends. i keep pushing him to look into onexone stuff but that's too much for him.

and can i just say? men are so FUCKING lazy, in every way. FATHERS anyway. my dad will bitch and complain about how i never talk to him or whatever when first of all- HELLO, phones work BOTH ways you fucking troglodyte, don't you think *I* want to feel wanted sometimes? don't you think i want to feel like my dad just thought about me and messaged me? and second of all, EVERY TIME I OFFER AN ACTIVITY FOR US, YOU DONT WANT TO DO IT. every time i suggest something I'D LIKE TO SHARE WITH HIM, he shoots it down. don't you think im just going to stop trying after a while??? cuz, i am!!!!

i know im kind of slow and mostly a failure right now. but im getting better. slower than most but. i am. i dont want to keep dwelling on this stuff. i dont deserve it. i dont want to be immobilized and stuck in a feedback loop thinking about something... i really cant change! because i can't. when it comes down to it there's no magic word or phrase im going to say to him to get him to suddenly Realize and change his ways. i have to try to move on. it's his responsibility now to try to keep up with me, if that's what he wants.

i really need to get a therapist out here!! im doing ok on my own but i know i could be doing better! I'd love to say this to someone and get their feedback.

[akajustjessicajones]

Silvermoon Sparkling || Dassica @ the Dickbabs Wedding

summary: jessica’s just there to drink, but then daisy happens featuring: @daisy-quaking-johnson​ @thecanaryxlance​ @of-consumeddarkness​ @sofiastranges​ @burnitonfirexx​ trigger warnings: kissing, emotions, and mentions of kilgrave things 

Daisy waved at Jessica as she and another girl came over. She nodded at the girl. "Friend of yours, I'm guessing?" She asked.

Jessica: "You're a saint, we get it," she quipped to Damarious. She flashed him a smirk to let him know she was kidding -- mostly. "Adult supervision is highly overrated," she muttered, scanning the tables, looking for one mostly empty. She saw Daisy, of all people, and she headed that way without hesitation. "Daisy, Sofia. Sofia, Daisy. And Damarious," she added, thumbing at the man. "We're getting drunk enough to reveal how Sofia knows a god, wanna join?"

Sofia: Offering a small smile to Daisy, she shook her head, "No we are drinking so that I get drunk enough that I forget my dad knows said god."

Daisy: "Nice to meet you, Sofia." She smiled politely at the girl. "And Damarius." She nodded at him too, noticing how Jessica seemed to speak of him almost as an afterthought. "The only supposed god I've seen today was Loki, so if it's him, I'll drink to that." She nodded. "Who's your dad?" she asked, sipping at her own drink.

Sara: She knew she shouldn't be here, especially as there was a chance she'd run into her sister, and because she was supposed to be in jail, but she couldn't miss this wedding, even breaking out of prison to attend it. Grabbing a drink she walked to one end to keep an eye on everyone, to make sure Dinah didn't see her.

Mari: looked at all the women a little unsure if he should leave Sofia with them. Just because she was old enough to drink didnt mean she should. " yes loki is the Male that Sofia seems to have a crush on" he replied

Jessica: She filled a glass for all of them, minus the saint, and took a long sip. But then she almost choked hearing Damarious' little comment. "Jesus," she muttered, swiping at her lips. "You didn't mention that part," she said, arching a brow at Sofia. "Her dad's the dude over there, " she answered Daisy, pointing at the man.

Daisy: "You have a crush on Loki?" She asked raising a brow. "As someone who went down that road, I really can't say I recommend it." Her eyes followed to where Jessica was pointing and she nearly choked. "Stephen has a daughter??!?! Wow, that's. . . wow. Does Ed know?"

Jessica: She heard the comment behind her, from her drinking buddy. She held up a hand at the table, and turned in her chair. "Mick. Do me a favor and shut the hell up."

Sofia: Coughing a little she shook her head, "That's because that's not what is happening - or what I said." Sitting down she grabbed her drink, "But Ed does know, though because I told him not because Stephen did. Or rather I showed up and 'surprise your boyfriend has a daughter' happened."

Jessica: "You dated a god?" she asked, mouth falling open. "Jesus goddamn christ." She slumped down in her chair, shaking her head slowly. Her eyes slid over towards Sofia. "Why's it not happening?"

Mick: turned to Jessica and saw his buddy "Eh why should I , I want a fucking damn fight Woman. And its kind of dull right now with the chit chat, or shit chat" he said

Jessica: She turned back to Mick, since this shit was way over her head anyway. "You call me 'woman' again, and I'll start a fight. With you," she said, voice holding a note of warning. "Just enjoy the free bar, okay."

Daisy: "No, I dated an Asgardian. They're not really gods as much as they might have that complex about themselves." She rolled her eyes. "How'd he take that news?" Daisy asked with a cock of a brow.

MIck: "Fight me Bitch" he said

Daisy looked over to Mick. "I really wouldn't do that if I were you, bud."

Sofia: Leaning back into her chair, she took a long drink, "Well, he had me help him move a couch for dramatic effect - but he was terrifyingly calm about the entire situation."

Jessica: Normally, she didn't mind Mick. He was a decent drinking pal, didn't judge her for knocking back a bottle or two. But right now, she saw red. "Give me a second," she said to the others at the table. She stood up, grabbed him by the shoulder, and dragged him out of his seat, pulling him to a corner of the room. "Look," she said, glaring at him. "I don't give a shit how you got here, or what the hell you want out of today. But that girl," she said, pointing at Babs and Dick at the head table. "She's important to me. This day is important to her. So you're going to calm the hell down, or I can drag you outside, kick your ass, and leave you in the trash. Your choice."

Daisy couldn't help but let out a light laugh. "Yeah, that sounds about right for Ed. I'd say I feel sorry for Stephen, but eh." She shrugged. She watched as Jessica went after Mick, and she couldn't help the slight smirk that grew on her face.

Sara: The assassin noticed Jessica drag Mick to a corner of the room, feeling the need to intervene, she was still his Captain after all, she walked over to the pair. "Mick, I know this isn't exactly your scene, but either you behave or you leave, that's an order" she usually didn't use that phrase but right now she felt it was necessary.

Sofia: Shaking her head, Sofia looked at Daisy, "I feel the same way, I would feel sorry.... but a sudden addition to the family is generally something you tell your significant other."

Jessica: She furrowed her brows as Sara came over, but shrugged. "He's your goddamn problem now," she said. "Let me know if he gives you any problems." She walked off, making her way over towards where Babs was. "Hey," she said, smiling softly. "You look... incredible. Really." She shrugged, feeling awkward as hell. "I just wanted to tell you that, even though about a thousand people are gonna tell you that."

Mari: " I'm sorry? Your behavior suggested you liked him ans you didnt want your father to know" he shrugged moving to take the bottle of alcohol and pour himself a little bit. " and daisy has already dated him?

Daisy glanced at Sara as she came over. "Haven't seen you in awhile," she pointed out in a tone that very clearly said you've been avoiding me, you little shit. She looked back to Sofia. "Yeah, I kinda wanna know how that conversation turned out. I'll have to talk to Eddie about it." She watched Jessica walk off, deciding not to go after her this time since she looked like she was going to good company. "Yes, I've dated him. He's an alright date, all things considered. Terrible ex though."

Sara looked over at Daisy, she'd been so preoccupied with what Mick was doing she hadn't noticed Daisy. "I didn't think you wanted to see me... considering."

Sofia: "I didn't mean to snap Damarius." She apologized before looking at Daisy, "He was kind to me in a strange moment - but after that he just talked around in circles. I can only imagine what sort of ex he would be."

Daisy: "Considering you stabbed me?" Daisy asked. "If I got mad at everyone who stabbed me, I would have no friends. At least you stabbed me through the front. Most people aren't that courteous." She shrugged and looked back to Sofia, chuckling. "A strange moment?" She asked. "But yeah, I can imagine he'd be like that." She nodded. "A pain in my ass the last time I talked to him, though we've been avoiding each other since then."

Mari: "Is anyone ever a good ex?" he asked really wondered he wasn't even if the Ex part came because his father killed the only women he loved. He sipped his drink shrugging " It's okay Sofia..I didn't mean to anger you Its sometimes best I just don't speak"

Sara winced as Daisy spoke, "yeah, that" the blonde nodded. "Also I've been a little busy, being framed for murder is time consuming" she shrugged.

Daisy: "Some of my exes died, so I guess they could be considered good." She shrugged. She cocked a brow at Sara. "You were what?"

Jessica: After giving her congratulations to Babs, she made her way back to Daisy, Sofia, Sara, and Damarious. Just in time to catch the conversation about exes. "That's why I avoid getting involved in the first place," she said, sitting down, and grabbing her drink. She didn't really do exes, they never got to that point. She turned towards Sara. "Oh, I know all about this one," she said, smirking at Daisy. "I see you got out."

Sara: "Yeah, it was a whole thing, Dinah arrested me, it was on the news I think" the blonde replied with a shrug. "Well, of course I did, I couldn't miss the wedding now could I?"

Sofia: "I moved around too much to have to deal with relationships or exes, one great thing about my life. There was no mess like that." Looking at the woman who had stabbed Daisy, her brows rose, she hadn't met her before - but it seemed like she had broken out of jail. Was anyone here normal? "Damiarus, I'm not mad at you - just frustrated at the situation I put myself in."

Daisy looked between Sara and Jessica. "Your sister arrested you?" Daisy asked. "Poor Dinah." She felt more sympathetic to her than Sara at the moment. "I mean you could, but you'd be a pretty lousy friend if you did."

Mari: He looked between the women finding himself really out of his element before looking down a bit before his name was called " Good, I'd hate to upset someone at Wedding, and for all you know Loki isn't saying anything to your father. If you just briefly met there is nothing for him to even say to him"

Jessica: She didn't know what had happened between Sofia and Damarious, but she felt protective again. "We all put ourselves in shitty situations," she muttered. "It's the human condition." She took a drink, and glanced at Sara and Daisy. "We met in a cell," she said, jerking her thumb at Sara. "I thought you were full of shit until I talked to your sister."

Sara nodded at her question but rolled her eyes at the poor Dinah comment. "She could have chosen to give the case to someone else if she didn't want to arrest me" she commented. "I literally had the best excuse ever to not attend the wedding" she said before turning to Jessica "I didn't even tell you the craziest parts"

Daisy: "Or she could take it to make sure someone didn't mishandle you," she pointed out. "She's only looking out for you. What'd you get arrested for?" she asked Jess.

Jessica: "I don't want to know the craziest parts," she said. She pointedly took a long drink, as if to punctuate the statement. "I've got enough of that myself," she said, sharing a knowing glance with Daisy. "Drunk and disorderly, the usual. Her sister let me go for good behavior," she joked.

Sara rolled her eyes "she shouldn't have been on the case in the first place and she knows it" she said "besides I can take a few cops."

Daisy nodded at Jessica's statement. She related too much. "You can have good behavior?" she asked teasingly. "Yeah, you could, but that would've landed you in more trouble."

Sofia: Finishing her drink, Sofia reached over and grabbed the bottle and poured another hefty glass.

Sara: "I could have just stayed on the Waverider while figuring out who framed me, but no, because of Dinah I had to break out of prison to do that" she might still be a little bitter about Dinah arresting her.

Jessica: She sighed heavily and looked at Sara. "She gives a shit about you. Sue her for caring," she said, thinking of how many times people had said similar things to her about Trish. Which made her need another drink, so she nudged her glass towards Sofia. "You'd be surprised," she quipped to Daisy. "I didn't break the handcuffs, that's pretty good."

Mari: Watched Sofia pour more into her glass before opening his mouth again " How the shoulder? are you healing nicely?"

Sara rolled her eyes again "caring about me is going to get her killed" she couldn't let Dinah get hurt because of her, too many people had already but this was her sister, she didn't know how to deal if she got hurt because of Sara.

Mick: Looked at both chicks and realize he was being a Dick head at a wedding. And he ain't wanting to be thrown in the trash at the moment. And glad that his captain came to the rescue for a minute "Eh fine I'm going to get myself a damn brewsky and just drink away for the night. But if there 's a fight let me know about it as I want to watch" he said as he walked back inside to get something to drink

Daisy nodded in agreement with Jessica. "That must have taken a lot out of you to hold back that much." She joked. She related to what Sara was saying though. She always wanted to keep Coulson safe from her own problems, but she couldn't. "You can't stop her from doing it though. Trust me I've tried."

Sofia: Seeing the glass, Sofia poured Jessica a full glass as well before setting the bottle down and looking at Mari, "It's a lot better, it doesn't look better but it feels better - thanks for helping."

Sara: "No, I can't stop her" the blonde agreed "I can try though, people who care about me always gets hurt."

Mari: Smiled nodding at her before taking another small sip of his drink " Good I'm glad, I'm sure your Father probably took better care of it after we parted I'm sure"

Jessica: "It really did," she agreed, flashing Daisy a small smirk. But the talk of sisters -- of people dying because they cared about you -- it hit a little too close to home. She bit her lip hard, but at least Sofia kept her glass full. "She's right," she murmured, nodding towards Daisy. "You making it harder for her is only going to complicate things. You try actually talking to her?"

Daisy knew that feeling, having been told that death followed her several times in her life. "It just won't work though. They'll always go around you until you start working with them, or at the very least convincing them that you're letting them help even if you aren't." Lies could protect people sometimes, but just telling them not to help didn't work.

Sara scoffed at the idea of talking to Dinah "sure, what do you want me to talk to her about, the time I experimented on people? The first time I killed someone? The first time I tortured someone? Or how about the time I killed a guy over the course of five days, I'm sure she'd love to hear about that" she couldn't talk to Dinah, too much had happened.

Daisy shrugged. "Actually, I think she'd appreciate it if you talked to her about anything."

Sofia: Sipping her drink, Sofia shook her head at Mari's words, "I didn't see him right away, but when I did, he looked worse than I did..."

Sara shook head "I'm not telling my sister about the terrible things I've done, I can't."

Daisy shook her head. "I wasn't saying you should or had to, just that she wouldn't get mad at you for it."

Jessica: She stared at Daisy, trying to figure out if any of what she was saying applied to the two of them. Kilgrave was dangerous, but she couldn't imagine not telling Daisy the truth as much as possible, couldn't imagine leaving her out of it. Hopefully that went both ways. Swallowing down the lump in her throat, she turned to Sara, listened to her speech, the anger so familiar. "So don't talk about the shit you've done," she said simply. "Though in my experience, the past always comes back to bite you. Just talk to her about this. The frame job, the murder, whatever. Let her help you." Peak hypocrite status reached, really.

Mari: "Must run in the family saving people and getting injured in the process?" He asked trying to make Sofia at least smile a bit

Sara: "It's not happening, I won't risk her getting hurt because of me, I've lost too many people already, I won't lose her too."

Daisy glanced over at Jess, noticing her staring, though it was different from last time. "She won't get hurt from you telling her about this. Besides, Dinah's tougher than most people anyways. You're not gonna lose her from this, and I've got her back too. If she goes down, I'm going down with her."

Sofia: "Yeah," Sofia laughed, "a Strange family trait." Shrugging a little, she looked at Mari, "He's good," she murmured, "which is what makes all of this so complicated."

Jessica: "Believe me, I get it," she said to Sara. "But if you don't talk to her, she's gonna get herself killed anyway. At least if you're doing this together, maybe you can watch out for each other." If she'd kept a better eye on Trish, maybe things would've been different. She nodded while Daisy spoke -- until the last few words. "Like hell you are," she muttered, shooting a sharp look at Daisy. "Don't make me babysit you, while you babysit Dinah, while she babysits Sara, because honestly? I'm a shitty babysitter."

Mari: smiled glade he was able to make her laugh before noticing everyone else in their party seemed to busy with other things. " You know I can't help you if you don't tell me what's wrong? "

Daisy: "Exactly." Daisy nodded. "I didn't say I was going to go down," she rolled her eyes. "I was just saying that I would go down before I let anything happen to her. It's hard to kill me is what I'm saying. I know, I've tried, so it'll be hard to do that to her."

Sara: "Seriously, just stay out of it, it's honestly not any of your business" how she chose to handle her relationship with her sister wasn't anyone's business and she just wanted people to mind they're own business and stay out of hers.

Jessica: She met Daisy's eyes, and once again saw more of herself reflected back at her than she was totally comfortable with. She inhaled sharply, opened her mouth to answer, but Sara was faster. Jessica glared at her, rolled her eyes, and tossed back her drink. "Fine," she said. "Do whatever makes you happy. Don't bitch when shit hits the fan, that's all I'm saying." With that, she stood up and walked away. To take a breather, to get something to eat, or more likely another drink -- she wasn't sure what just yet. She just needed a second.

Daisy: "You're my friend, so it kinda is." She pointed out with a role of her eyes. She waited a moment after Jessica left and then followed after her, bringing a flask of whiskey along with her. "Hey," she started quietly, the confident and playful demeanor dropping now that she didn't have to act in front of everyone else. "Sorry for . . . bringing that up. It's not much of an excuse, but making comments like that is one of the ways I try to deal with it all without toppling over in front of everyone."

Jessica: Main Street. Birch Street. Higgins goddamn Drive. She wasn't sure why she bothered, it didn't help anymore. But she forced herself to breathe, rubbed a hand over her eyes. She didn't see Daisy until the other woman was already beside her. Jessica bit her lip, and reached for the flask, shrugging. "It's... fine," she said, not even surprised that Daisy had figured out exactly what set her off. "I get it, I do the same thing, it's just --" She bit her lip, eyes not quite meeting Daisy's. "It's different. Hearing it from you."

Daisy let the flask fall into Jessica's hand, knowing she needed it a lot more than herself right now, especially since Daisy was used to not drinking by now. She might've commented on the it's fine remark. It was very rarely actually fine, it seemed, especially with them, but she knew well enough how those kinds of remarks were just automatic once you grew tired of people constantly asking you if something was okay. "To be honest, it's hard for me to get used to a lot of this too. People don't usually understand things completely as much as I want them to, and it's so . . ." she decided to use Jessica's wording, "different from how I'm used to dealing with things. I can excuse everyone else for things so easily because they're in different circumstances, but it's harder for myself. Then I look at you, and it's like I'm looking in a mirror. It's harder somehow to know that someone else knows exactly how I feel. It hurts to know that you went through it all too." She choked on her words. "I don't think I actually know where I'm going with this."

Jessica took a long sip from the flask, too long, especially in front of someone who wasn't drinking anymore. But she remembered Daisy's words, in the ruins of her office. I didn't feel safe enough to do it before. You're helping that. You're the only person I feel safe around. And her chest constricted, so tight it was hard to breathe, hard to drink. She coughed a little, lowering the flask. She just stared at Daisy while she spoke, not sure what emotion was in her eyes. Not sure what feeling was pressing down on her chest. Daisy's words should've hurt and they did, but there was a pleasant aftershock after the sting. And still her eyes burned. "Yeah," she choked out finally. "I -- it scares the hell out of me. I didn't--" She bit her lip, felt all those tears she never let loose start to slip out. "I didn't ever want this for someone else. You know that, right? You --" She stopped herself, partially because her voice was too thick with emotion and partially because she knew Daisy did know that, because there were parts of her that Daisy knew without even asking. They were so close, huddled together in this corner, and there was so much happiness around them and yet none of it touched them. Nothing broke through the pane of glass between her and the real world, nothing but Daisy.

Daisy watched Jessica carefully. Somehow it already felt like the whole wedding party was forgotten because all she could pay attention to was every slight change in Jessica's expression, recognizing every emotion as one she had in herself. It was both comforting and terrifying to see how similar they were. They couldn't take the guilt away from themselves. It was tattooed all over their bodies in invisible ink. If it could have been made of the blood of the people whose pain, suffering, and death they blamed themselves for, it would be. As the tears built up in Jessica's eyes, Daisy felt her chest tightening and tears filling up her own eyes. She sometimes thought she felt how other people did, but this was different. She felt pained by seeing Jessica like this, like she could actually feel what Jess was feeling as absurd as that sounded. She knew how scary it was. She was scared now. She was always so scared, but she was good at covering it up sometimes. "Yeah, I -- I know." She nodded. She had the urge to wipe away Jessica's tears as if they were her own somehow. Jessica was still her own person though, so she held herself back just slightly, only stepping a little closer to Jessica. Her own tears started slipping out of her eyes. "Can I . . . hug you?" she asked.

Shit, Jessica thought. She hadn't meant for this to happen -- hadn't meant for any of this shit to happen. She was supposed to come, take advantage of the open bar, and leave. But Daisy had drawn her in like a magnet, and for once she didn't hate that. Her mother's reappearance and death a few months back had shown her just how deeply she isolated herself, how terrified she was of connecting with someone. It still scared the hell out of her, looking at Daisy and seeing the same pain, the same fear, the same scars on a soul that was otherwise so beautiful. But this connection felt right, even if the thread connecting them was stained with trauma. There was something safe about it, just like Daisy said, something warm in the pit of her stomach, in the hollow part of her chest where she thought there was nothing left. The flask slipped from her hands, she watched it hit the floor. And when she looked up, there were tears in Daisy's eyes too. Jessica nodded, stepping closer, reaching one hand up to cup Daisy's face, brushing at her tears with her thumb. She couldn't take them away. She couldn't make anything in the past better. But the present? She leaned forward, until her forehead rested against Daisy's. "Only if I can kiss you," she whispered.

Daisy watched the flask drop, spilling its contents onto the floor. The clatter of it was loud, but the constant chatter of the room drowned it out, or maybe Daisy was just too focused on Jessica to pay attention to it. She was so often worried about people touching her. She thought she was good at hiding it, but it always worried her that the hands that tried to hold her were under someone else's control. No matter how much she trusted a person, there was always a part of her that was tight and afraid and paranoid to a point that she couldn't stand. With Jessica, that was different. Everything was different with Jessica. Daisy even doubted herself, barely trusted herself, but Jessica was safety. As her hand reached up to touch Daisy's face, Daisy leaned into it, like it was a safety net, keeping her from falling. She still was falling though, but it was into something good. Her eyes fluttered shut, not afraid for this moment to let her eyes close. She was safe. Kilgrave wasn't there, and now a beautiful woman wanted to kiss her. She wrapped her arms around Jessica's shoulders and pulled her closer, holding onto her tightly. "That sounds like a deal," she said before pressing her lips to Jessica's. She could taste the alcohol there, but she wasn't afraid of it like she used to be. It wasn't tainted by memories of Kilgrave. It was purified with a shared trauma, some tears, and a kiss.

Daisy's skin was so warm against her hand, her skin so soft and smooth as she leaned into the touch. Jessica felt a thousand synapses firing in her brain, but there was too much sensation to make sense of any of it. There was good whiskey being wasted on the ground, but she didn't care. All she cared about was the way Daisy's shoes squeak as she stepped closer. Those arms wrapped around her, pulling in her tight, and normally she hated the feeling of being held like this, hated it completely. It always felt like a trap, like a restraint, like a noose around her throat. But not from Daisy. Hugging her felt like going home, like her actual home, the one in her memories, the ones before him, before her mother injected the harsh reality into it. This felt like Christmases, like breakfasts on the patio, like being nearly asleep in front of the TV until warm arms carried her to bed. This felt simple. This felt safe. This felt real. And that was so important for both of them, knowing what was real. For once, this was a truth that didn't hurt anyone. And if hugging her felt like all that -- kissing her felt even better. Jessica leaned into Daisy, pressing her back against the wall, deepening the kiss. And it still felt so incredibly soft. Like they were encased in feathers, kissing inside a cloud.

Daisy didn't know how long the kiss lasted, didn't know if time even existed in that moment. Her body hummed as they kissed, emitting a low frequency at her pleasure of being pressed into the wall. Jessica couldn't have known that it was one of the things that she thoroughly enjoyed, yet it still made sense somehow that she had done it. They just. . . fit together. . . .like pieces solving a puzzle. She probably should've been distant. She had only just had her heart broken by JT's departure. She always had trouble in the dating department, and things rarely ever lasted with her. They always ended tragically. They always hurt her, and she always kept going, finding ways to move on, but it was easy for her to think that James hadn't loved her. James knew how she felt and acted the way he did anyways, but he also hadn't known her either. There was always a barrier between them of the things she just couldn't tell him. They never really had any hope for lasting, and a part of her had always resented him for what had happened to Eden and Alex. Jessica was so different in every way. Jessica knew so much about Daisy without Daisy even having to say a word. Jessica understood her more than anyone else ever could, and if Daisy could ever actually get the nauseating words out of her mouth, she could only imagine telling them to Jessica. There was always a slight worry that people judged her for what she did despite what they said, even with Coulson. With Jessica, that worry was gone. She could just . . . be who she was, not just some victim or overexaggerated hero. She could just be herself, Daisy Johnson, a girl who had been through a lot but was still hanging on.

That wasn't even mentioning the fact that there was no expectation here either. They both had their issues, and they both knew that. They weren't hiding from it, and they knew each other too well to even be able to hide it if they wanted to. Daisy could guess from her own experience that Jess probably didn't have a good track record with relationships either, and Kilgrave only made those things harder. It was strange, but maybe in spite of or because of their shared issues, Daisy thought she could have something good with Jessica. She didn't expect it from her. If this was just a kiss and nothing else, Daisy could accept that. If they ended up sleeping together without forming an actual relationship, she could accept that too. Whatever this was between them, she just wanted to be with Jessica. Daisy pulled away for just a moment to catch her breath. She didn't ask where they were going with it. It didn't matter, but then she got distracted. "Your eyes look so soft," she pointed out, a smile breaking out on her face and the softest chuckle passing over her lips.

Somewhere, far away, the wedding was still happening. People were dancing, laughing, talking, the smell of food was thick in the air. There were cheers as Dick and Babs cut the cake, there were heartfelt speeches. Something sappy was playing over the speakers, something slow and sweet and nauseatingly soft. But Jessica didn’t hear any of it. Her entire world had tunneled down to this moment, this woman, this kiss. Her mind was never quiet. It hadn’t been quite in years, not since she was a teenager. She dreamed about her family every night and woke herself up crying. Stirling’s body, sprawled on the concrete, a pool of red like a deformed halo around his head – that was an image she would never escape. The things Kilgrave had made her do and say and feel were all burned into her memory, every last second. His whisper was always in her ear, always reminding her. The screams, his, Hope, Luke – they played through her mind on repeat, never stopping, never skipping. She put her head down on her pillow and she heard those screams, looked at her hands and saw the blood, and her mind spun and spun with bad memories, noisy and cacophonous and loud.

But not right now. Right now, there was nothing. This was better than any bottle of liquor, because she would remember this. It felt pure. She had finally found refuge from the storm in her head – but she’d never expected to find it on Daisy’s lips. Now that she had it, she wanted it, in that aching way, something in the pit of stomach pulling her close to Daisy, pressing her body against hers, tears forgotten. The ones on her face mixed with the ones on Daisy’s, until she didn’t know where they came from anymore. She had never felt like this before. She was breathing heavy when Daisy pulled away, chest brushing against Daisy’s with every labored breath. She was smiling, even though her face was still wet with their tears. Her eyes met Daisy’s, and she laughed, strangled and strange at the compliment. “I don’t hear that a lot,” she whispered, one hand trailing down Daisy’s face. “Yours are warm,” she breathed, lips ghosting against Daisy’s. “So warm.” She kissed a trail down Daisy’s jawline, wanting to taste every part of her. Isn’t this precious? Jessica stilled against Daisy’s skin. There was no mistaking the voice. The storm had returned. I gotta say, Jessica… She could almost feel his breath against her neck – or was that Daisy’s? I would’ve loved a show like this when we were together. Loved it.(edited)

Hard to believe I didn’t plan this, isn’t it? Maybe she doesn’t feel safe around you at all. ‘Your eyes are soft.’He chuckled in hear. It’s a nice line. What if I wrote it? Jessica picked her head up, still breathing heavy. She stared into Daisy’s eyes, spent half a second looking for that imperceptible fog, any sign of him in her – and then she stopped. “It’s his fault,” she said, staring directly at Daisy, waiting for her to say the same back to her.

If Daisy actually cared about anything else right now, maybe she might have been concerned that they were making out in front of everyone else. Anyone could've seen what they were doing. Coulson could've seen what they were doing, and it wasn't like she really cared about what anyone thought about her or who she was kissing. The kissing itself that she could've and would've proudly done with Jessica in front of anyone, especially just to piss them off. The reason for the kiss was what she didn't want anyone to see, the tears, their mutual vulnerability right now. It was personal, and it was theirs. No one else should've had a part in it besides them. It was forgotten as soon as Jessica laughed. Daisy was so tuned to the slightest vibrations of everything that she felt every tremor of Jessica's body in her laugh, making her press even more against Daisy. Daisy cheeks flushed red as she realized she said what she was thinking out loud. Her head pointed down for a moment as if to avert her gaze from Jessica's, but she couldn't keep her own eyes off of Jessica's. "Well, do you get many people just staring into your eyes for this long?" She asked, her smile staying on her face. A selfish part of her wanted to think she had this to herself. The returned compliment was also one that Daisy hadn't heard often, if at all. Whenever she looked into the mirror, she saw cold eyes staring back. No matter how much she tried, her reflection in the mirror told her that those eyes were dead, but here was her mirror image, telling her that her eyes were warm. The other mirrors were broken carnival mirrors giving her a false image, but Jessica was real. Her compliment was real. Maybe though, it wasn't just the mirrors showing something false. Maybe Jessica was the kind of mirror that helped her change too. "I think that's because of you," she told her, her words slowing as Jessica's lips moved over hers again.

Daisy let out a low moan as Jessica kissed her jaw, making her remember just how sensitive one of those spots was. She tilted her head up, exposing her neck instinctively, and she rearranged her footing, both to gain more balance and to wrap her leg around Jessica and pull her closer. Then, the kissing stopped abruptly, and for a moment, Daisy worried she did something, said something wrong. Once Jessica picked her head up and looked into her eyes, Daisy could see what was happening. She could practically feel the panic within her own chest. She could hear the thumping of Jessica's heart in her chest, feel the fear and paranoia. Jessica was worried that it wasn't her, that Kilgrave was controlling her too. She wished she could take that part away from her. Daisy had the luxury of knowing that Jessica couldn't be controlled. Jessica didn't even have that, and as much as Daisy wanted to believe her bracelet could prove she wasn't under his control, she knew the many ways her own mind could find ways to not believe it was real. She unwrapped her leg from around Jessica, not wanting her to feel trapped here despite the fact that Daisy was the one pressed up against the wall and not the other way around. It was the emotional trap that Daisy was more concerned about. Then, Jessica reminded of her of their code phrase, and Daisy's expression shifted from one of worry and concern to a more steely expression. She bit her lip and nodded. "It's all his fault." She agreed, correcting her on the phrase just a little just to make sure she knew for sure that she wasn't just repeating her. "All the stuff he made us do, it's all his fault."

"He can't get anything from this," Daisy told her. "He can't get any satisfaction from this, from us, here, even if he wanted to. He can't see it. He'll get nothing from it." She glanced around and spotted a security camera. She didn't know if he would be watching it or not, but she wasn't taking any chances. She used her powers to tap into the vibrations inside it and break it. A few broken pieces dropped onto the floor, but no one else took notice. "It's all his fault, and he won't get anything from us anymore," she assured her. "And he couldn't have known this would happen between us anyways. I didn't even know it would happen. I never expected it to." Daisy took her hands off of Jessica, wanting to give her every choice in this, ask her everything, so it didn't remind her of his commands. "Do you want to stop? I don't mind, honestly." She was more concerned about Jessica than anything else really.

Jessica laughed again, nipping gently at a particular spot on her neck. “I don’t get a lot of people staring into my eyes at all,” she murmured. “Even my clients can’t. Apparently, I’m abrasive.” But she didn’t feel abrasive, not in Daisy’s grasp. Everyone else’s hands felt like sandpaper, made her nerves feel like live wires, exposed and dangerous, likely to spark. Even when she wanted it, when she found herself a real one-night stand, when she needed *something* to fill the emptiness inside her because there was never enough whiskey in the world – even then, they never looked her in the eye. They never made her feel comfortable, made her mind quiet. They were just distractions, they meant nothing at all. And this… this meant something.

She didn’t know what. Not yet. But for once, she didn’t feel the need to chase down the answer. She didn’t need to control this, because it didn’t make her feel out of control. It felt mutual. It felt right, like she’d never known how wrong she felt before.

God, she hoped it was real.

Because if Daisy couldn’t say it back – if her eyes glazed over, if she just stared at Jessica without that warmth, it would break her. Entirely. She would shatter into pieces right here, and her mind would be gone. If she ever had to see Daisy like that again, it would destroy her. Maybe she’d live, technically. Still be breathing. But she would never, ever be the same.

Daisy unwrapped their legs, and Jessica missed the warmth instantly. She bit her lip, wished for a second that she could read minds, that she could see what Daisy was thinking. Had she ruined this? If Daisy wasn’t Kilgrave’d, would she be offended that Jessica even suggested it? But almost as soon as those thoughts began swirling in her mind, Daisy banished them. Without a word. The truth was so clear in her eyes, undeniably powerful.

She let out a long breath, closed her eyes and let her forehead rest against Daisy’s again. Thank you, she thought, but couldn’t say aloud. She didn’t even know who she was thanking. Whatever God still watched over this crazy world? Or just Daisy herself? It didn’t matter. All that mattered was Daisy right now, saying everything Jessica hadn’t even realized she needed to hear. Saying it so simply, so calmly, a life raft in the middle of the goddamn ocean. Kilgrave couldn’t have known this would happen. Jessica didn’t believe this could happen. Not for her. She wasn’t like Trish or Babs. She wasn’t the girl people fell for, she was the girl who got people killed. Who hurt them, who isolated herself, who pushed everyone and everything away except the next drink.

Daisy was the exception.

She opened her eyes when Daisy asked if she wanted to stop. She was crying again, but she didn’t care, didn’t try to hide it. Her back was to the wedding, and she didn’t give a damn what was happening behind her. “Stop?” she whispered weakly. She leaned forward, pressed her lips hard against Daisy’s, hoping the action would somehow say everything she couldn’t. There was so much she wanted to say to Daisy, so much she wanted to tell her, wanted to thank her for, wanted to apologize for, wanted to say just to hear her laugh. But right now, she had more pressing matters on her mind. “I want to take you up to one of those hotel rooms,” she said, eyes flicking upwards. “Is that what you want?”

Daisy let out another short moan as Jessica nipped at her neck. She was trying not to be too loud, not wanting to grab too much attention since she really only wanted Jessica's right now. "You know, they're really missing out," she pointed out, not that she minded keeping those eyes to her only on her. "They must be assholes then, if they can't see this." She liked to look at Jessica's eyes a lot when she could in all of this. Maybe it was because it was a reminder that Jessica was herself, that she didn't have the same glazed look as everyone else, but Daisy thought there was more to it than that. Jessica's eyes were fierce but soft. A calming green surrounded the outer ring of her iris, and flames of brown seemed to creep just out of her pupils, threatening to engulf everything, including Daisy, in their warmth. She couldn't see how anyone could avoid looking at them.

She worried that Jessica wouldn't believe her. She would've understood it if she didn't. She wouldn't have been mad or upset. She'd been on that end of things too many times to count to be anything but understanding now. She knew that uncertainty, and if she could take it away with a kiss, she'd give her a thousand. She would've pulled on Jessica's lips with her own teeth, so Jess wouldn't have to bite her lip with such confliction. She would've pulled her closer than should've been humanely possible and kissed her until they both passed out.

She was glad to find out that Jessica did actually believe her. She didn't have to say anything. It was all obvious in the way Jessica held herself and the way her shoulders seemed to lose some of their tension as Jessica rested her head on Daisy's. There was so much said in that gesture alone. There was gratitude and guilt. There was an apology in the eyelashes that fluttered against her skin. Daisy wrapped her hands around Jessica's lower back, holding her lightly but closely, like they were broken vases glued back together, both of them fragile at the touch.

When Daisy saw the tears, she gently raised her hand to Jessica's face to wipe them away. At Jessica's question, Daisy nodded, urging her for an answer that she got in the form of a kiss. It pushed her back against the wall again, and Daisy smiled against her lips. She felt. . . . everything in it, and she pushed back against Jessica's mouth, tugging on her lower lip like she had been wanting to do before.

She smirked at Jessica's question, finding the way she said it entirely appealing, and she licked her lips. "I would love that." Hell, to Daisy, it didn't even matter if they were going up there for sex. She would've been fine with just laying on a bed with Jessica and watching a movie. She just wanted to do it with her and only her.

Oh god, Jessica thought. This had to stop, because between the sultry sweet moans spilling from Daisy’s lips, and the things she was saying, she was going to lose her mind. But in an utterly good way. If this led to oblivion, she was okay with that. Just – for a little while, she wanted to feel this, and only this. She wanted to wrap herself up in Daisy, wanted to melt their skin together, wanted to get lost in touch that didn’t hurt.

She should’ve pointed out that no, she was the asshole. She was the toxic thing, the infection that spread to everyone she remotely gave a damn about. But she was selfish. She didn’t want Daisy to stop talking about what everyone couldn’t see. When Daisy said it, she almost believed they really were missing out on something.

Trust wasn’t something that came naturally to her. It hadn’t for a long time, long before Kilgrave, long before the accident even. She’d never known how to trust someone, and the one time she’d tried with Stirling – that hungry, desperate sort of love that was never reciprocated – he’d planned on pimping out her superpowers. She told Luke the truth, only to have him dismiss it, and then become a victim of it. But Daisy wasn’t manipulative. She wasn’t in denial. And she was far from just some victim. Jessica didn’t have a word to encompass it – but amazing seemed like a fairly decent attempt.

After all, no one could make her feel more like glass about to break and still so *solid* at the same time. No one had ever managed to make her jagged edges feel this okay. Not gone, not forgotten or ignored. Not healed. But right now, in this moment, completely okay. Because Daisy’s edges were sharp, too. Maybe they were jagged, broken pieces, but judging from how their bodies were pressed together, they fit together just fine.

Daisy’s teeth on her lips was just the right amount of pain, sharp and clear, and Jessica grinned into it. Her entire body was tingling like she just downed a fifth of whiskey. But she hadn’t felt this clear, this sober(-ish), in a long time. At Daisy’s answer, the one she was hoping to hear phrased in just the perfect way, Jessica reached down, entwined her fingers with Daisy’s and pulled her gently off the wall. She glanced back at the wedding – the party was going strong, they were throwing shit now. A cute little blonde caught the bouquet, but that was the last thing she saw before slipping out of the reception hall. “Can I ask,” she whispered, once they were in the elevator. “What else would you love?” It wasn’t exactly a rhetorical question, but before Daisy could really answer, Jessica had her lips once more, pulling her in close to kiss her deeply.

[refractedglade]

do all of them. or the odds. or the evens. honestly just do some I'm tired and dont feel like reading through them all :/

this is honestly a lot so it gets a cut. also wow way to abuse the question ask.

1. do you have any recurring dreams? what are they?

only ever had one I think, and that was back in… probably elementary school? I had monthly nightmares thanks to one of the least frightening episodes of Courage the Cowardly Dog, god bless you young me you tried your best

2. what is your favourite kind of fruit?

im torn between grapes and apples

3. sweet or savoury?

savory

4. what is your smallest/pettiest fear? 

not even sure what the hell that means uhhhhhhhh

the fear that i am or will be mediocre at video games. it sounds dumb but at this point it’s one of the only quote-unquote skills I have that I can identify and im afraid to lose that

5. what is your least favourite vegetable?

peas

6. what is your favourite art movement?

surrealism I guess? I don’t know much about art movements tbh

7. do you drink milk?

fuck yes i do

8. what was the last line of the last book you read?

“A mob of Surly Thugs are there to greet you.

TO BE EVEN MORE CONTINUED.”

9. do you like bitter food?

not really

10. what is the most significant event in your life so far?

probably one of the several times i’ve moved since that always leads to meeting new people

12. what is your favourite breed of dog or cat?

I love labradors.

13. list your top 5 favourite turtle names.

what

uh

Leonardo

Donatello

Michelangelo

Raphael

and uhhhhhhh

Coco Jumbo

14. what job would you have if you could have it without going through all of the school or experience that is required?

if I didnt have that Id probably get fired very soon for being shit at my job, but lets say public attorney, see how far I get in that bullshit

15. are there any names that you dislike so much that you would dislike the person with the name? what are those names?

no not really

16. what is your favourite letter?

either R or T, they’re both such helpful shortcuts for web browsing

17. are there any instruments you wished you played?

I wish I had continued learning piano when I was younger. I was in the middle of lessons when we moved for the second time and we just never got another teacher.

18. list your best friends.

@verbalmoonwalking and honestly even though we haven’t talked much in forever @wombathills

19. would you rather be a skeleton or a ghost?

a ghost, way more opportunities and less of a hassle (imagine trying to navigate through the world as reanimated bones)

also there’s already some people i’ve promised to haunt

20. do you prefer fish or lizards/snakes? (as pets)

i dont have much experience with lizards or snakes (although I did have an anole for a year or so). i guess fish, they’re just so incredibly low-maintenance

21. art or music?

weird way to phrase that considering music is art but music

22. what is your favourite type of flower?

unfortunately Ive never learned much about flowers, but I do really like when they’re blue

23. soup or salad?

souuuuup

24. are you good at keeping plants alive?

surprisingly yes! I’ve had two plants growing since late winter/early spring I think

25. do animals tend to like you?

heck yeaaaah

26. what is the worst book you’ve ever read?

the Book of Leviticus

there’s not really a good answer to this, if a book is terrible I either never got far enough to remember or read it for a school assignment and promptly forgot about it

27. do you collect anything?

too many thing, and most of them only for short periods of time. the only consistent collection i have is my Halley Labs music collection

28. how many pillows do you sleep with?

right now just two, used to be three

29. whats the latest you’ve ever woken up?

5 in the evening i think? I forget details since its been a few years, but after an all-nighter I pulled during my first finals of college I passed out at around 6 pm and woke up almost a full day later

no wait addendum: i think like 1-3 in the morning because of falling asleep around 8-11 am.

30. how many pictures are on your walls?

my room has… a painting and a poster

31. what age did you stop keeping stuffed animals on your bed?

honestly? i didn’t

32. what is your favourite candy?

Butterfinger, or if in moderation Twizzlers

33. what is your favourite baked good?

its not the real answer but a vivid image of a steaming baked potato keeps appearing in my head

actually the more i think about it the better that sounds, like its plain but theres a lot of room for customization there

34. do you have a camera? if so, what kind?

yeah, i actually sort of inherited it recently from my late grandfather, though I haven’t actually,,, used it yet.

35. do you wear jewelry?

nope, used to wear a fidget ring a lot but who knows where that went. if i ever find a really cool necklace I’ll probably start wearing that all the time though.

36. sunrise or sunset?

sunset, sunrises are pretty but its a pain in the ass waking up the early

also seeing something like that in the evening is just a better state of mind imo

37. do you like to listen to music with headphones or no headphones?

depends on both the music and my mood, generally at this point no headphones though just because when i listen to music its while driving

38. what was your favourite show as a child?

I had a weird sense of almost reverence for Digimon as a kid. My mom had forbidden me from watching Pokemon, and I only ever saw like 3 episode of DIgimon once by accident because a day care had their cassette tape. I barely saw any of it but I loved it.

Season 3 aka DIgimon Tamers is still a solid series, and I still vividly remember watching season 4 on TV when I was slightly older and finding it weird but cool (4 was where they could actually like combine with their digimon)

39. describe your favourite spot in your house.

im the basement goblin so the couch down there is for all intents and purposes mine. also its right next to the room with the heater so hell yeah.

40. do you like to be warm or cold?

I like to be in slightly cold environments so I can be the kind of warm that isn’t just warm but warmed up, like the feeling of being warm when things are cold is very good.

41. the best joke you have.

i think the best jokes i ever did done was editing like 20 different photos of a friend of mine into dumb joke images

one was his face on a tube of laundry soap with some dumb caption along the lines of “ah, this is my life now”

42. whats the weirdest thing that you’ve seen happen in a public place?

first thing that comes to mind is a futon frame on the side of a highway. now let me clarify:

-it was sitting upright, not like it had been tossed aside

-it was on the INSIDE side, not the outside

-no mattress in sight

just… there.

43. CD or digital?

CD, I’ve been conditioned to love owning physical copies of stuff. On that note, also cassette.

44. who do you miss right now?

good friends, my dog, my will to live….

45. if you could combine two places in the world, which two places would you choose?

if by world you meant universe, lets combine earth with some other planet and see what the fuck happens

if you meant earth then Michigan and Ohio, that’d make some shit way more convenient for me

46. describe the worst substitute teacher you’ve ever had.

one of my high school english teachers went on maternity leave, and so we had a sub for about ¾ of the school year. i forget a lot of why the class hated her but a lot of it just came down to she was not good at teaching, and we had to deal with that for almost a whole year.

47. do you believe horoscopes?

short answer is no. less short answer is that while I don’t really believe anything like that, i still enjoy looking at and considering them, especially when they’re in shitpost format.

my sister came back from a mission trip to Africa a while ago and brought me back a small gift she got overseas, a pair of small handmade dice. i’ve developed a habit where on some mornings I’ll roll them before my day starts to see how high I roll, and sometimes interpret that as what the day might be like. do i believe it? not especially. but I almost sort of pretend to believe it. that’s sort of how i treat horoscopes, except even a little less than that.

48. are you spiritual?

eh

49. describe your pets ( or family if you dont have pets )

we had an extremely good dog named Zeus for a long time. yellow lab, energetic as hell in his youth and even in his old age. started having pain in his legs as he got older and eventually we had to put him down a year or so back.

he’s honestly part of the reason im not sure about getting pets in the future, i dont know if I want to go through that again.

50. are you good at getting over mistakes?

I guess? I mean I’m good at getting over that post-”I fucked up” anxiety for sure, that’s a skill I learned in college within like a year. After a bad test or something I just started forcing myself to say “fuck it it’s over can’t change anything now.”

[tumblunni]

Random Long Post About Charon!

This is random, but I feel like fans often don’t take into consideration what Professor Rowan says during the Rotom event. I think his words actually make it very clear that Charon was the kid who wrote the diary and shines some light on Charon’s motivation for acting like a jerk to Rotom. I’ll explain why I believe this:  “Ah, imagine finding you here! You must be eager to fill your Pokédex to be searching even here. What am I doing? I visit a professor I know in Eterna every so often. He tells me intriguing rumors of rare Pokémon sightings and such.” This part isn’t particularly relevant (though I do sort of wonder if the Professor Rowan visits is actually Charon himself), but this next part definitely is: “A Pokémon that slips into electric appliances, you say… Hmm… That is somewhat off from what I’ve heard about it. Hmm… This is what I’ve heard. Long ago, there was a Pokémon that merged with a toy robot. Should that Pokémon be recognized as a new species or not… Debates over the issue were about to start when they were rendered moot. The very topic of discussion–the Pokémon-infused robot–disappeared…” Okay, so the first thing that is really important to note here is that Rowan doesn’t have the exact same information as the player. This means Charon has done research that he was keeping to himself, and fits in with Charon writing that he wants his Rotom research to be a “secret.” But we also learn here that other scientists were at least introduced to Rotom somehow despite this.  Now, as for the “topic of discussion… disappeared” part–because Charon’s lab is secret, these words don’t refer to Rotom leaving the lab. Instead, they must refer to Charon putting it in that lab to keep it a secret. This might seem odd at first–why would Rotom have been introduced to scientists in the first place at all then…? But I actually think this all makes sense. Here’s a stripped-down version of the backstory based on all these details: –Charon obtains information about Rotom “by pure chance,” as he writes in the journal we know for a fact is his. –Other researchers somehow knew about it and were going to start debates about it. –Rotom is locked away in the lab by Charon so that he would get all the credit for describing it.  –Rotom eventually leaves the lab.  This still haves a lot to be desired. Is Charon the same person who found Rotom as a child? It seems that way, since the speech patterns and diction are the same. But then how and why did other researchers learn about Rotom in the first place? Why did Charon want all the credit only after this happened? Here is where analyzing Charon’s character makes everything clear.  Obviously, Charon is a greedy person. Specifically, he seems to be someone who is pragmatic to the point of being a cynical jerk. He desires money for himself and his team, but we know from his dialogue that it’s because he thinks people can’t achieve anything without it. We can also see that Charon has a high opinion of himself (he says so), but it also seems like he may have a low opinion of himself at the same time. The fact that he keeps trying to assert his self-worth, brag, and explain that he has a place in Team Galactic every time he speaks in-game hints at this. Also, Charon’s own co-workers hate him. Considering his plan at the end of the game, we know that if Charon were presented with a way to make himself known to all, he would do everything he could to make that happen. He also at one point says “I like seeing children try their best,” which sounds a bit weird out-of-context, but makes perfect sense if the Rotom kid’s childhood was his.  Putting together all of the information I’ve discussed, here is my interpretation, applying Occam’s Razor the whole way through, of the story behind the Rotom event:  –Charon came across information about Rotom “by pure chance.” How? When it came out of a lawnmower in his childhood. –At some point, Charon was excited to tell everyone about Rotom. They were probably still close friends at this point.  –Other researchers were going to start debates on Rotom after Charon gave them some information about it. –Because of Charon’s greed, desire to belong, and selfishness, he became possessive and wanted to get “all the credit.” He freaked out and locked Rotom away in his secret lab. –Everyone was confused because it had disappeared, and debates couldn’t continue.  –Rotom was upset and tired of being stuck in the lab and left. I’m almost certain this is the story the writers intended.

+++

Bunni’s comments! (is it a tad awkward that you keep sending these as submissions? have you thought about posting your thoughts on your own blog and then I could reblog them? sorry to make you go to all this trouble!)

REALLY LONG THOUGHTS BELOW THE CUT:

This is a really well reasoned theory!! I dunno if we’ll ever really be able to know what story the writers intended until we actually get this plotline expanded in a remake HINT HINT NINTENDO But it does definately seem to me that Charon = kid who had that cute backstory in that journal literally in Charon’s lab written like Charon talks and nobody else does. That seems very much like the simplest option to me, and it makes this character so much more well-developed, yet its kinda not a popuar theory.. alas... I don’t completely follow this exact sequence of events in my headcanons but I do think it fits perfectly with everything we know so far. You’re so good at analysis!!

Personally I think maybe people forget about Rowan’s few sentences at the start of the event... just cos the event is really hard to find. Practically nobody actually played this thing, I certainly never got a chance to do it until a decade later when i was able to emulate + use gamesharks. So before that I got my information secondhand through script-dumps and lets play videos, and a lot of people seem to leave out the rowan bit. A lot of people actually leave out the diary too! It seems even people who actually played the event didnt realise it was there, just grabbed their new rotom form and left. Alas poor Charon, ignored even in a meta sense! Also on Bulbapedia the script-dumps are organized weird. The actual page for the event and the Rotom Room as an area don’t contain it, its just got the diary part and the rowan part cut off separate and put on charon and rowan’s pages respectively.

Anyway, my personal thoughts + alternate interpretation to add to this!

To me it didnt sound like someone else discovered a rotom and tried to start these debates, then Charon freaked out at the competition and became paranoid. To me it sounded like Rowan was talking about someone (Charon) who started a debate and then suddenly vanished on the day it was going to take place. i dunno, just the way it was phrased seemed to come off like this was some relative unknown who popped up with this information about rotom, and then everyone assembled to hear him out. Cos specifically the ONLY information Rowan knows is that its ‘a pokemon that can possess a toy robot’, you’d think if multiple scientists were debating the existence of rotom for a long time then they’d have more info than that, info that isnt super specific to Charon’s situation. Or, at least, you’d think that if they were still researching rotom AFTER this one failed conference, they would have gained more info by now? I dunno, its hard to explain what I mean.

So, the basis for all my deductions is this interpretation that Charon (at least for that moment) had decided his rotom research was finished and wanted to reveal it. For me, the big question is... why didnt he?

WHY would Charon not want to boast about his discovery in this ‘debate about rotom’? We know at least one famous pokemon professor was gonna be there! Charon’s whole thing is (supposedly) wanting to become famous cos of rotom, absolutely no attatchment to it except as a revenue source, yep totally, no lies here. So you’d think that joining in a big debate with a bunch of high ranking scientists and making his great reveal would be.. like.. exactly what he wanted?? Why did it not happen?? 

My interpretation of this is kind of a mushy one linked to my general irrational decision that this man is potentially redeemable and totally has a soul. Alas, why can I never leave the grampademption train! I think that maybe this was some sort of major moment where the good and bad sides of his character clashed. REALLY CLASHED. He’s spent so many years trying to lock off himself into two mutually conflicting boxes, the innocent kid who sees this pokemon as a friend and the bitter cynical old bastard who wants to become famous off it. And now he has to choose, and it led to a complete mental breakdown! He initially chose money over rotom, he was gonna go ahead with the presentation. But then his better side won out and he cancelled it at the last second. He got cold feet, being scared of losing his best friend. Maybe he was actually going so far as to do some sort of morally repugnant deal, he was gonna sell rotom off to the highest bidder and never see it again? Or it’d have to be dissected as the first specemin of a new species, or locked up forever and experimented upon? Or maybe its just simply.. when you only have one friend in the world you kinda wonder if they’d want to keep you around if they found another friend. Maybe he thought rotom only needed him because of his research, maybe he thought it would become just as greedy as him if it got the chance? Maybe he thought that it would leave him if he let anyone else know it existed, which is what led to his growing paranoia and decision that his research was perpetually ‘not done yet’. (Cos seriously, what you see of his lab and stuff seems pretty finished???)

So that’s my interpretation of why he and rotom ‘vanished’ at that point, but then there’s the question of how they ended up separated. this is now going into complete fanfic territory, I dont really have evidence for any of it. In my image of how this whole scene would go down, mid-freakout Charon would have snapped at rotom and it led to an argument that ultimately resulted in like... triple decker bonus back of Regrettable Decisions. Charon’s been shown to kinda dig himself further into his own grave whenever his plans go wrong. So here we go, scene is set with Charon suddenly grabbing everything and running the fuck out the fire exit, five seconds before the meeting is about to start. From rotom’s perspective, it has NO IDEA what is going on, it just listens when he says to get in the pokeball. And now we have Charon in the position of having NO CLUE how to explain this all when he opens that pokeball again, he’d never just be honest about his feelings. Hell, he’s such an emotionally stunted guy wrapped up in his own neuroses, i don’t know if he’d even be honest about his feelings to HIMSELF! He just sitting here having a panic attack like ‘why did i do that?? I was about to become rich??’ Giant neon sign flies overhead saying ‘YOU HAVE EMOTIONS’, he ignores it. I figure he’d also exaggerate it in his head and destroy his entire scientific career just because he thinks he’s embarassed himself too much to go back. And he’s decided that this somehow proves that being a good person will only ruin all your dreams, and you have to be as bitter as possible to succeed. this is where he went from a dubious guy who occasionally breaks the law to ‘well I’d better jump off the slippery slope forever and join a space based evil team, literally just because of One Social Anxiety Moment’. (Relateable, amirite?) And ironically everyone he met that day is literally just thinking ‘oh god what happened to that guy, is he okay?’ and would have totally understood if he just explained his damn self... So all his panic comes to a head and he decides to blame rotom rather than actually do some in-depth analysis of his own life choices. I feel bad because I don’t want to hurt my friend?? I personally value friends higher than money? No, nonsense, you’ve somehow CORRUPTED ME! How could you do this, don’t you know how important that meeting was? WAS THIS YOUR PLAN ALL ALONG??? It was my ONE CHANCE! (apparantly, according to me)

So even though he just ran away because he didn’t want to lose rotom.... he throws away rotom. (just imagine the internal screaming this man must have experienced for the next twenty years)

It was a stupid, STUPID decision based on misdirected anger that he should have been aiming at himself. Nope, can’t believe that the great charon might have made a mistake, that friendship might indeed be a thing that exists in your dried up old heart. Instead it has just proven that friendship = weakness! And now because of this you’ve turned a salvageable situation into the worst disaster possible, yet again. (Man, I feel like Charon can barely survive without rotom. Its not just his conscience but a large chunk of his common sense...)

And rotom of course has NO IDEA why its suddenly been abandoned, so it probably was a really depressing time sitting alone in its trainer’s old house, hoping he’ll eventually come back so you can apologise for something that you don’t even know what it is... And at the same time we have Charon freaking the fuck out for decades, too caught up in his own neuroses to make the very simple decision of just turning around and walking back to where he left that pokeball. And even if he got there, what would he even say? Would he actually have the balls to admit he was wrong, or would he make excuses? ‘Oh, I was just too busy to visit, so much work to do, don’t make a mountain out of a molehill’ In his darkest moments he even considers that maybe he’s wrong to regret this decision at all. ‘But I did the right thing, I don’t need rotom, I don’t need anyone, I have to sacrifice everything to be famous...’ He’s probably even managed to get all the way to the door of the old chateau before running away yet again, leaving rotom thinking it just imagined seeing him outside the window :( Its like in his past when he startled rotom and it thought it had hurt him, but this is if he didn’t chase after it and just left time frozen on that moment. Well, he wishes it was, that he could just choose any second to take back his decision and everything would go back to normal. Never that easy, though...

I APOLOGISE FOR OVERLY LONG POORLY EXPLAINED FANFIC THOUGHTS WHILE I AM SLEEP DEPRIVED ok i need to go cry over dumb grandpas and then probably get some damn rest

oh wait one last random headcanon! i think that charon’s secret lab in team galactic eterna building is actually something he only built after the big moment of abandoning his pokemon Why does Charon have a rotom lab here if he doesnt have a rotom anymore? sure it could just mean he lost his rotom relatively recently, but since my fanfic idea places it earlier in the timeline I like to think that maybe he’s made this room in case he ever gets rotom back. He made a bunch of form-machines even better than the old ones, and decorated the place all fancy, and hopes that maybe it could be at least a small apology for all the suffering he’s put his friend through. Though he doesnt understand that rotom isnt as superficial as he is, so he cant just buy back its love... He just sits in there are rereads his journal whenever he gets nostalgic, he hasnt actually done any science in there for years. Also, it would maybe explain the duplicate rotom lab in silph co in HGSS? that’s the original, and he’s tried to make his new galactic lab as similar as possible because of how guilty he feels, and how he wants to just escape that guilt by turning back time instead of actually saying sorry.

A big thing I always struggle with in writing redemptiony fics is whether I’m lessening a character’s evil and forgiving them too easily and all. I think this series of events would definately still qualify as A Total Dick Move, even if its one that actually has a reason to it other than just ‘i’m evil’, and hurt himself as much as he hurt rotom. And man its so frustrating, seriously I’m here like ‘DUDE STOP IGNORING YOUR EPIPHANIES, JUST GO APOLOGIZE’ yet I also know that if I make him do it immediately and have everything resolved without conflict it’ll be so much less of a believeable redemption arc :P so yeah believe me i still wanna slap charon just as much as everyone who hates charon does, just for different reasons XD Also he needs a hug too. But he needs to do a lot of development before he could actually earn it!