#Gonna go to a trauma assessment class and I am definitely just gonna be thinking of Four and his trauma ICU LOL

[skyloftian-nutcase]

Four was honestly surprised how many people were here. It was his first big trip, and it was definitely overwhelming. He was usually a loner, but he had to admit… he was thankful he’d asked a friend to come along.

Legend laughed as he texted someone, face glowing with glee. He elbowed Four mischievously. “We should definitely send pictures to Wars.”

“Is that who you’re texting?” Four asked with a smile, enjoying the cheer from his usually grumpier friend. Legend adored education conferences - his friend was nothing if not a lover of learning and exploring new things.

“Oh absolutely,” Legend replied, showing his phone. “He’s upset because I went to the emergency medicine conference and then went to this one. Personally, I think he’s just jealous because I have a cert he doesn’t.”

“Wait, Wars doesn’t have his CCRN?” Four questioned, confused. He figured Warriors, who had everything in his life in order, would have his critical care nursing certification. It was fairly common for nurses in ICU and ED settings.

“Nope!” Legend quipped with delight, obviously ecstatic that he had something over the military nurse.

“Okay, but important question: where are we going to get dinner?”

“Somewhere it doesn’t cost half our paycheck.”

Four glanced around at the skyscrapers. “Uh… not sure we’re going to manage that. I didn’t think the Hebra Mountains had cities like this.”

“Well, then we can contemplate Brugada Syndrome and complicated EKG rhythms while we starve,” Legend supposed.

“Oh, don’t be like that,” Four laughed. “This is a trip, we shouldn’t worry about the cost too much.”

”We don’t make Time’s salary.”

“But we make decent salary.”

Legend bit his lips, stubborn. Four narrowed his eyes analytically. “This isn’t about how much the food costs; it’s because you’ve blown your budget on coffee, isn’t it?”

His friend immediately flushed, guilty as charged. “They charge ten rupees for coffee! Ten!! This place is ridiculous!”

“I told you your caffeine addiction would come back to bite you someday,” Four smiled. “Or, well, more so than it already has.”

“I swear, if you bring up the SVT episode one more time—”

[dakarimainink]

Story Time

WARNING: fluff, cute, angst, awkward, alcohol, stranger meets stranger

Character: Pedro Pascal

Wordcount: 1.8K

Note: Not betad, all mistakes are my own.

Divider by me! 😊

Oh god, please let me know what you think of this. The way of telling it is new to me, but I kind of liked the flow of it. Keep in mind this is told in a vocal language as if I actually tell it to you. Let me know if you liked it or not, any feedback on this is very much welcome.

Okay, let me tell you about the first time I met Pedro Pascal. This was (I believe) right before shooting of GOT season 4. I was, at the time, not a huge TV or movie person, except I actually did watch GOT because it was so huge and my friends kinda got me in to it. And I also watched Breaking Bad, because let’s face it, it’s a brilliant series. Anyways, here is the story of my embarrassing first meeting with Pedro Pascal.

It was a late night in New York. I had been to a comedy club with some friends of mine; laughing our asses off and drinking. Not gonna lie, I don’t remember the comedian (sorry), but I do remember he wore the cleanest pair of white Converse shoes I’ve ever seen on a person. I don't know why I remember that, but yeah.

Now, I had told my friends I would walk home, as I only lived a few blocks down the road. They had insisted on me taking a taxi with them, but I refused. Honestly, I didn't want to waste money on it and I had walked home alone before. Being the stubborn woman I was, they gave up and let me walk. Besides, I sober faster up and avoid a hangover with some fresh air before bed (or at least as fresh air one can get in NYC).

Walking home, I stumbled a little on the slightly uneven sidewalk.

Now let me point out that I am not drunk. I am however tipsy, but not so gone that I am not aware of my surroundings. If someone was to walk up to me, I could easily punch them and run off, if necessary. But I would run with a slight tilt, if you know what I mean. Not that I actually want to punch someone, because I am honestly scared of hurting anyone (raise your hand if you have childhood trauma), but I will for survival.

Anyways. Walking home, the nightlife was booming. I think it was about nine in the evening, so the streets were littered with people either already drunk or going to the club getting drunk. Basically a normal Saturday evening. I did not envy the people bending over a bush, begging for nothing to splash back onto them as they puked their guts out, just to go back into the club and start the process all over again.

Being a woman walking alone that late, in NYC anywhere, you can already imagine the disgusting men catcalling me, throwing comments thinking I would rush to them and beg them to take me then and there.

It honestly baffles me how men actually think those kinds of things work, because newsflash, it doesn't. It's literally disgusting and I have to force myself to not gag and throw up.

So walking home, ignoring the nauseating comments, I passed by the same buildings, stores, clubs and restaurants I had done probably a million times before. I did consider stopping by my favourite burger shop Greasy Joe’s (classic name, am I rite?), but knew my body rather wanted to crash down in bed.

As I was just about two blocks away from my home, I managed to trip on my own feet. 

Now I am not a person who often trip over or stumble at all, but for some godforsaken reason, my feet decided that, right outside - what I would call an exclusive restaurant - (mostly because it was too expensive for mere mortals to eat there) I fell to my knees, luckily embracing myself on my hands.

For a moment I froze, my body trying to assess what happened and what the damage was. I remember it felt like needles prickling into the palms of my hands and on my knees. I was just begging I didn’t ruin my jeans as I had recently purchased them. (Jeans are seriously expensive, especially when you are gifted with thighs of a goddess, ready to crush anything coming in-between)

I also remember it felt like the whole world went silent for a moment, as if my hearing was not important as my brain was trying hard to get an overview of my own state.

I heard a male mumble and then a hand appearing in front of my face. Then a little more mumbling until I finally caught some words. “... Help you up.” I instinctively grabbed the hand, supporting myself as it pulled me up.

And again, my legs wanted to be difficult tonight for some reason, so of course my knees gave in - not sure if it was because of the fall or if I just truly had bad fortune that night, or perhaps that I was in fact, more than just tipsy - and I tumbled forward and smacked my head onto what I didn’t realise at first, was a human chest.

I placed my hands onto the torso and carefully pushed back awkwardly. I stared at my hands as I realised what I was pushing against and winced and snapped my hands away from the person in front of me.

I felt my ears and cheeks burn, I mean like, seriously burn so badly it felt like a second degree burn. I looked up to - what I quickly realised was - a man’s face and he seemed to be a bit embarrassed as well, as he was also coloured in his cheeks (definitely not as bad as mine though)

I didn’t recognise him at all, but you can already guess who the person was (Yup, Pedro himself).

What really caught me off guard was his eyes. They were so dark I could actually see my reflection in them. There was also a spark in them due to the yellow lights emitting from the restaurant he had apparently just exited.

We were both kind of frozen and embarrassed and my brain was not going to help me even form a single “thank you” and or “sorry”. Luckily, his brain was working better than mine, so he was the one to speak up first.

“That was quite the fall, are you alright?” He actually seemed worry for my little tumble. I hadn’t even hit my head and he looked down upon me as if I was a hurt child.

I said of course I was fine, I wasn’t really hurt and that I was just on my way home. He asked if I needed a taxi, but of course I didn’t need that, I was just two blocks away from my home, so I politely refused.

He asked if he could escort me the rest of the way, but I told him no, because he was a stranger, but not only a stranger, but a male stranger. He really didn’t want me to walk home alone, but he understood my point of view. He insisted on calling for a taxi, but I told him it would be a waste, as it would probably take longer for the taxi to arrive than me just walking straight home.

As I explained this, I was already kind of backing away from him and towards home. He didn’t push it any further, but I swear I could feel him watch me as I continued to walk away.

However, two doors down, was one of the hottest nightclubs in NYC. Mostly higher middle-class and lower high-class would go there. Especially “kids” with their parents credit cards would go there frequently. (Now I use the word kid, even though they are probably in their early twenties and I am in my mid twenties, but to me, kids because of their behaviour)

As I passed, a self entitled kid with too much alcohol and self esteem approached me - I could smell the alcohol before he reached me - and stopped me in my tracks. I fisted my hands as he tried to push himself onto me, which was quite disgusting by the way. His perfume were oozing off him, and that mixed with the alcohol was making me gag.

He kept asking for my name, if I was down for a good time, if he could buy me a drink, if I wanted to come into the club with him, if he could have my number, if I wanted to go home with him and so on and so forth. I gently pushed him away, which seemed to set something off in him and he began spitting rude comments. Mostly stuff I had heard before come out of a rejected man’s mouth; so nothing new.

He began walking quite widely and wobbly towards me, as if he wanted to pick a fight me. However, half way towards me, he suddenly stopped and I noticed a presence next to me.

You guessed it, it was Pedro again.

He asked the man to stop and waved over the security guard who somehow missed the loud kid.

As soon as the kid was forced away by the guard, I thanked him once more. He turned to walk away, but I called for him (I didn’t know his name, so I casually just said “Hey!”) He turned around and I told him he could walk me home if the offer still stood.

I remember a smile crossed his lips as I told him and he jogged over to me before we strolled towards my block.

As we began our walk, he held out his hand to me and introduced himself and I shook it and told him my first name as well. Now, instead of talking about our jobs or family or whatever, we actually started talking about African animals, more specifically Elephants as we both considered them our favourite animal. We also had a friendly feud about coffee or tea, as I was (and still am) a tea drinker and he was a coffee drinker.

We were in the middle of talking books when I suddenly realised we were standing outside the entrance to my apartment building.

I'm not gonna lie, I was actually feeling a bit disappointed by this, as I had enjoyed our brief walk and conversation. A small part of me wanted to invite him in, just so we could continue our chat. I felt such a friendly vibe from him and knew if I didn’t get to know him now, I would probably never get to.

I had to, unfortunately, decide to end the journey here and smiled while thanking him. What I didn’t realise was my body slowly tilting forward and before I knew it, we were hugging each other. I had no idea why, but I sure as hell didn’t regret it.

Let me tell you, I have never, ever ever since, had a better or warmer hug ever. I seriously mean it, if you ever get the chance to hug this man, do it, because not only will it make you warm and fuzzy, but it seriously made me happy. Like I could feel the weight of the world seep out of my body and a light just burn within me. I am not kidding.

So we said our goodbyes. I unlocked the entrance door, stepped inside and we gave each other one last glance before I walked up the stairs to my floor.

What I didn’t know then, was that I would meet Pedro Pascal again.

(Wanna be added to my tag list for Pedro Pascal and his characters? Let me know and I will happily add you)

@cynic-spirit, @lililolli, @notabotiswear, @sara-alonso, @blankmooon, @xoxo-callie, @mamacitapascal, @thewaythisis, @greeneyedblondie44​, @stevie75, @mswarriorbabe80​

[blackfemmecharacterdependency]

BFCD Reviews by Nesha: Final Space, Season 3

Everybody that know me know that I’m high class #Quillective trash and my main thoughts and feelings go out to Quinn Ergon and Gary Goodspeed - precious Gemini gems, and of course the BABIES: Little Cato, Ash and Fox #NeshaLuhDaKids I had some attachment to Avocato once upon a time, but that n***a got on my LAST nerves this season, so we currently at “Do you, Boo” status by the end of S3, and eventually, yes, I’ma get to why that is. 

Disclaimer for somebody who stumbled across this post because of the fandom tags - I am an independent partaker of this content, not “part of the fandom,” and my audience in particular is NOT for everybody. SO: If you may have been criticized in the past for casual racism, tone deafness to Black women’s concerns or accused of misogynoir or antiblackness, leave now. 

If you don’t like cussing, AAVE, general ratchetness and mean lesbian energy, you too might wanna go. A bitch can be eloquent, but I type like I talk, at times, so it is what it is and I don’t curate for kids, dudes, or nonblacks. That’s just what that is.

I wanna start with Ash Graven. This season is about Ash more than anybody else, despite the fact that there was a lot of emphasis on Avocato’s toxic ass man pain and growth in Quinn and Gary’s relationship, ULTIMATELY, nobody in the crew did more coming into fruition as Ash did, and I have a lot to say about her, because I have a lot of feelings.

♡ Ash Graven

1. Ash is a kid. Lol. Everybody got very confused because of the unnecessary transformation that Invictus gave her. Ash did not “grow up,” her body was altered. That’s a fuckin kid in a woman’s body. A kid who has previously been living with survivor’s guilt, parental abuse/neglect/exploitation, chronic trauma, and a disastrous superpower that most people could not be trusted to carry. She’s a child having a coming of age moment in this season that is mostly molded in manipulation. If you hate on Ash, go fuck yourself. ESPECIALLY if I’ve caught you stanning other characters who have been shit characters, in this fandom or not. Ash was dealt a shit hand and nobody had her back but her brothers, and she’s done what she could and thought was best to care for them. Anybody that missed that - just don’t have kids, K.

2. Ash has no parental guidance. As far as she knows, the only adults who have ever had her back are dead and the ones that she’s stuck with now, she GAVE a chance to try to trust them. She gave Quinn a chance to try to see some of Nightfall (the only adult that we’ve seen not exploit her) in her. She gave Gary a chance by choosing him over Clarence, when she had to make a choice. She even gave Clarence’s ass another chance - with which he responded by dying to not fail her. Now, she has Gary, who just a few days or weeks ago, idek, forced her to try to summon her powers while she was both injured and also upset over having to leave her brother behind - TO SAVE HIS GIRLFRIEND! And she got snatched away in the process and left behind with the enemy, to be mentally assaulted and returned changed, only to have them not trust her.

I love Quinn too. I love her dearly. But the facts were that she was dying and having an episode that nobody could really help with, and Gary didn’t take the time or consideration to think about the stress that he was putting on Ash by putting her in the position to make her feel like she needed to save Quinn for him. Whether or not she was the only one who could, that is a lot to put on a child, and not only did he do it, but he didn’t even seem to think that hard about it whenever he then left her ass. Sure, he was glad when she was returned, but that was a fucked up situation that yet another adult put her into, and the first thing that he should have wanted to do when seeing her was to apologize and try to make it right. It was a huge miscalculation to treat her as a potential enemy that he and Avocato needed to vet. EVEN IF that’s what she was to them, both of them should have had the sense to assess while still treating her as the kid that they supposedly knew.

3. Most of her trauma has been recent and continuous. She looked up to Nightfall, watched her die, and had a meltdown. The events from Season 2 (with Clarence almost killing Fox and leaving him to die, her leaving his side to help out, seeing that Sheryl was treacherous to her own son, losing Nightfall), and the events that are taking place in Season 3 are only in the span of a few months.

They were only stranded for a month whenever we see them surviving together. That girl has had more happen to her to hurt her than to help her and nobody around her BUT Little Cato has been sensitive to that. And they are all fucking adults.

These things being noted - changing Ash’s design was the absolute worse fucking thing. Aging a girl up to make the bad things that follow more palatable is what that seems to be. Ash is still a kid. And THEN, they allegedly made her a queer kid. I say allegedly, because that “reveal” was so poorly done and subtle and weak that I, an almost 40 year old queer, didn’t realize that that’s what they meant whenever they said that they were gonna reveal somebody as a character who is part of the LGBT community.

So... FS production just gon’ decide not only to transform her body into that of a woman, when her mind is still full on traumatized child and hormonal teenager, but also, she likes girls, and they didn’t even do it in a cohesive way that added to the story. They threw it in, like, “BTW, she likes girls, and also, she’s full grown now.” then immediately went for the “Villain” lever, and bitches just ate that shit up. Fuck y’all, forreal. 

& Fox

He didn’t deserve that shit. And, I know a lot of people felt that he was pointless and boring, but his ass was sweet and caring and searching for love and acceptance. As a background character, I liked him. But, he was literally just fodder for Ash’s downfall, which was unfair and problematic, considering that his ass is definitely Black coded. Don’t play. He was voiced by a Black man, spoke with a blaccent, and definitely would be read as Black if you wasn’t looking at him and seeing an alien. They gave him a sacrificial negro trope, the big friendly negro that can kill you but loves everybody trope, and they used his death to just push some narrative forward to set up the one verified queer character as a villain. They got they ass in a vehicle and rolled right over another Black character, and another queer character. Chile...

 ♡ Little Cato!!!

My precious have not been getting some good for too long, and I have had it. He’s not focused on so much this season as he is in the background of other people’s stories, but a very important takeaway is and will always be that Little Cato, aside from Fox, really was the only one here who consistently treated her like she mattered, so it made a lot of sense that he could be the catalyst for her finally having ENOUGH with these people.

I really wish that he could have found out the truth about his past from Avocato, because that’s really who OWED him that truth, but Ash did the thing that I’d expect and told him, to be honest with him. She even told him that Avocato wanted to tell him and that she took that right away from him, because she didn’t believe he deserved it, and I’m respecting her for that, too. I wish she could see how much it hurt Little Cato for her to try to take him away from his home. 

Little Cato has lived before, for a while, and he’s not mature enough to behave as a man, but he at least has a loving foundation to draw from, and having had that support, this is more of his home than it is Ash’s. He doesn’t know how to explain that to her, and she doesn’t know how to understand that for him. Just a tragic situation for two kids with a lot of problems.

♡ Quinn Ergon & Gary Goodspeed

Quinnary notes that might not be featured in the BFCD Reviews by Nesha:  (Quinn Ergon/Nightfall x Gary Goodspeed) rundown - 

I've had two favorite parts of this season so far and they're very mediocre things that you wouldn't think would be like my favorite part but they are. One of them was that the first thing Gary does when she wakes up is to ask her about her sister (someone obviously very important to her who he's previously promised to allow to let live through Quinn's memory and says he wants to hear about her when he's trying to keep Quinn from dying). Because... He really did care and wasn't just saying something to keep her.

Quinn's mother fucked her up in a way that is so frustrating because Black mamas really will traumatize you about their younger kids. That shit hurt. You showed your daughter dead bodies to make her think about that in the event that your other daughter might be in battle? Bitch wtf

Whenever we say that Black girls are programmed to put everybody ahead of us, that's unfortunately not just including Society, it's in households too. And Quinn comes from this place where that is her reality... Then she meets Gary and he doesn't even register for her as anything special. He doesn't appear impressive or incredible in any way... But he (admittedly) weirdly locks on to her and shares himself - thinking that he's showing himself to her, and ultimately he DOES. And he wants to see her too, beyond all this, who she is, at her most humane. He wants to know about her sister. About someone who mattered to her enough to have the helm of her trauma when she was out of touch with reality. Very soft. Very sweet.

The other was when they were talking about how they met and stuff and Gary absolutely cringed thinking about how corny he was when he approached this woman. A lot of dudes never do that. The complaint of earlier seasons that Gary was overbearing, obsessive and creepy , if you missed the fact that he has terrible abandonment issues from his father’s death and his mother’s rejection, here we have him, in his adult state, looking back at the way he was and being embarrassed about it, and that’s growth!

A close third is whenever at the beginning of the Season he says "Quinn it's been a month eventually you have to open up to me about what you've been through" and she says "I will in time" and he respects it but he reiterates that he's there whenever she needs him. I don't think that people realize how revolutionary that kind of statement is especially for a character like Quinn to hear - who has always felt like she had to take charge, had to take the lead, had to make the sacrifice.

Even when she realized that she was dying, she didn't want to burden him with the information. Not even like ‘a thing that she knew if that could help prevent it and she didn't want him to have to go after it,’ but... she didn't even want him to have to deal with knowing about it!

Maybe she thought that she would just drop, maybe she didn't realize that he was going to have to see her in that condition. And then once she realized that he was going to have to see her in that condition one of the first things she says is "I should have told you." Girl is on her deathbed wishing she had done it differently, for Gary's benefit.

I saw somebody on Twitter tried to come for her about not going to Gary after he killed Fox (you know, shortly after her surgery to save her from the very brink of death, and listen... Quinn comes to see about Gary when she can. She’s done it several times. In fact, I’ma make a whole POST about Quinn and Gary moments SPECIFICALLY to point out to haters in the main tag - where they got Quinn Ergon, and by extension, me, FUCKED UP.

Stop Playing in Quinn Face

HI! HELLO. ACTUALLY MY FAVORITE PART OF THIS SEASON IS THAT QUINN AND GARY JUST FUCKED. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. THANKS. OK. Back 2 bidness

See.. after Gary and Quinn got over the humps of Quinn’s Final Space poisoning... everyone got it... nobody told her until Avocato was mad and told her during a lash out, and let me say something about Avocato’s fucking audacity this season... 

♡ Avocato (Note: His name is A-V-O-C-A-T-O. Some of y’all be tryna stan and y’all can’t even spell his name.)

I done seent Avacata, Avocata... That’s not that dude name. Be writing whole ass expositions about some other Ventrexian n*gga. Hope this helps:

AVOCATO. Listen, boy. YOU decided to be a traitor to your people and your king and queen. YOU decided to dedicate your cause to the Lord Commander and lied to your son his entire life about killing his parents, raising him, and never talking to him about it.

Yet and STILL - whenever you had the chance to finally tell him, you ain’t do the shit. Lord Commander gave you the perfect ass opportunity - WHEN IT CAME UP, and even then, with that boy looking you dead in the face and being glad that now he knows everything... you ain’t Ventrexian man up.

Then, whenever you were supposed to be checking on Gary after his traumatic murder fight with Fox and Invictus, you turned it around and literally made it about you. attacking him in the process and only after a physical fight did you apologize. (And y’all still didn’t get back to what had happened to Gary, which was no real fault of his own). 

Fast forward to after you willingly agreed to stay behind and fight and y’all lost. Now, it was Quinn’s turn to be the center of your blame and you lashed out at her because everybody is dying, despite the fact that y’all agreed to stay behind and fight, nobody even told her that y’all were sick, AND you still wasn’t 100 with Little Cato. 

You just had a lot of mothafuckin audacity this season, Avocato, and I personally was not here for the shit. Even when Ash blasted yo ass, your main thought was to threaten to kill her if she took Little Cato, instead of assuring her that despite what you’ve done, Little Cato was safe with you. No, she wouldn’t have listened to you. But, the words you chose tell us about who you are and how you are. You a war mongering killer that don’t ever take responsibility for his shit, and even in those brief moments that you do, its always somebody else’s problem. 

I’da thunk that LC getting snatched away would be humbling for you, but I guess you were chosen by the writers for minimal growth. Bye, Avocato. Witcha bitch ass. We is not cool right now, but you do you. Hope you find some growth up there in ya ass, where ya head been. 😁 Can’t believe I mourned yo ass. You coulda stayed dead as hell.

FINALE NOTES:

OK BITCH OK THIS FINALE WAS HYPE!

Let me pull it up so that I can liveblog it for the shit that I need to conclude this journey. 

We start out after Ash done took Little Cato and burnt off. Gary and AVOCATO done said they finna go get they son. Chile, I cannot handle Biskit voice. I like that lil’ dude but ya voice, Mane. I can’t with it. 

OK OK OK... Whenever Quinn comes up to Gary to talk to him and say potential goodbyes, she look like she wanna say some and that makes me think about whenever she looked like she wanted to say something in season 1 and didn’t. Quinn as grown a lot in her feelings for Gary, but she still has that hard time with talking about her feelings, but I love that you can see them in her face.

Chile... these folk was kinda taking they time gettin started, huh? Knuckas, do y’all remember that everybody finna die of FS poisoning? Lol. Also... why didn’t they start hallucinating and shit? I guess its not until it covers ya face? 

NIGHTFALL. 😥 I love you, Sis. I miss you. But, “Because I’m you and WE think of everything...” YES. I HAVE BEEN SAYING THAT! EVERYBODY EXPECTS QUINN TO THINK OF EVERYTHING AND WHENEVER THEY DON’T THINK OF THE THINGS, SHE GETS BLAMED FOR MAKING THE TOUGH DECISIONS THAT NOBODY ELSE COULD EVEN MAKE. Underappreciated, really. And people still mark Nightfall as a villain, despite the fact that she not only sacrificed herself, but also came specifically to help another Gary. Sidenote - Nightfall didn’t actually pursuit Quinn’s Gary until Quinn was trapped in Final Space and she thought she got a signal from him. So, I’m still salty AF that she been labelled as a villain just because people don’t like her, when her actions have all been to try to help. Here is no difference. She thought of the things that she didn’t think a younger version of her would think of, and left it for Quinn to find. Nightfall be on RNS, and most of y’all didn’t deserve her.

Quinn’s identity crisis is so sad, but I liked that Nightfall EVEN thought about that. And Sheryl... you kinda starting to grow on me. I hate to give shitty mothers who find compassion in old chance a try, but she do seem to really be giving it a go. 

Ash is so fucked up that she rushes right into the devil’s arms. This reminds me of when trafficking victims go back to their abusers because they don’t have the resources to adjust in the system. 😪 She REALLY believes what she’s saying. She really feels like Little Cato is safer with Invictus with the Team Squad. That’s sad as fuck, bruh. 

THE. ACTING. AND. ARTWORK. IN. THIS. CONFRONTATION. SCENE.

Avocato... I’m proud of you for FINALLY taking responsibility ad opening up about it. Little Cato’s reaction is precisely how kids in the system are, as well. They wanna be at home with their parents, no matter who their parents are or what they’ve done. and Avocato meant what he said and did what I referred to earlier as “Ventraxian man up.”

“I’m sorry we failed you,” from Gary was so important. Because, they technically did fail her. Had Ash seen the same amount of love from Gary as she’s seen him give to others, she might have been more receptive to the truth and less susceptible to lies. But, as she had just said earlier, it was too late for kind words. She’s currently beyond accepting them from him. For a brief moment, it breaks through, but without that ability to know love from an adult properly, she can’t accept that apology right now.

H.U.E. with his big robot, Lord Commander...EYE. There’s so much happening right now bitch processing has left the room girl. Biskit did so damn much this episode. And it was good to see everybody on the team have a moment to help things, instead of like one person having to handle the bulk of things. 

Quinn’s begging voice... its such a contrast from whenever she sent out the SOS in season 1 and was afraid and angry. Like... the desperation here shows her softness. 

Ash’s RAGE Bitch...

Gary’s “I love you...” She looked so happy! And then she just sat with it. I feel like she definitely loves him too, but she doesn’t communicate that way. But, her FACE. She was just... did she think that he didn’t before, or was she just speechless because she didn’t expect to hear it? Because, we gotta be real... Sis probably has not ever heard those words from anybody before. And that first time, when it’s really there is a DOOZIE. She had an abusive mother, a seemingly jealous or competitive sister, and we saw how nobody in the Infinity Guard respected her ass when she was serving them the real. I think this is the first time she’s been in love or felt it and when Gary said it, she had to collect herself. The way she ran to him and jumped into his arms??? SHIPPING CRACK. And Mooncake was a part of their hug too. I have a lot of feelings about this dynamic since Quinn and Mooncake are the only characters that we’ve seen Gary have these “love at first sight” reactions to and Mooncake is the first character that I recall Quinn being nice to in S1. 

So.. my heart was very full when they ripped it from my chest moments later. Mooncake has been watching Team Squad members be self sacrificing for a little while now, and he loves his family and Gary so much that he rushes straight towards danger. (Sure, I don’t think that he estimated how powerful Ash could be at this moment), but he had to at least consider that he might be caught or left behind.

Bitch, Ash is GONE. She said, “Fuck all y’all!” Not knowing whether or not Mooncake is destroyed makes it very hard for me to know how much I can stand this, but I also want to hope that he is gonna survive. Quinn having to make the decision to lightfold is hella sad, but even though Gary is destroyed, he has to know that this is exactly how Ash must’ve felt whenever he had to make the call to leave Fox behind. She hated to do that to Gary. She even seemed more regretful about it than Gary did whenever he had to leave Fox and when he left Ash. Sure, its because she loves him more than he loved Fox and Ash, but its a terrible position to be in to have to hurt somebody you love like that. On the other hand, they gave her hella shit for them not escaping when could have the first time, so naturally, she was going to make this decision. 

It very much sucks that Invictus is free and my brain can’t eeem FATHOM what that means for everything and everybody, but the Final Space poisoning left the Team Squad’s system, so maybe there is a rejuvenation of some sort in Invictus’ power? Or does Final Space poisoning leave your system as soon as you leave Final Space? I don’t think that was clarified. 

Anyways, I still don’t hate Ash. Y’all can say whatever about it, but I see sad white boys get forgiven all day every day on this site, and I’m upset, but I’m not letting my baby go. I’m not cheering her on, but unless she dies, I’m gonna hope for the best for her, like I said here. 

DAMN this season was some shit. Ionknow if I’m emotionally capable of watching another season of Final Space in progress. If they make it back for another season, I will most likely just wait until the end to dive in and let them shock my senses all at once instead of on a weekly goddamn basis, because GODDAMN GODDAMN GODDDAMN!

@andromidagalaxie @daintyurbanprincess @shslargue @space-finally​  The Quinnary Moments Masterlist probably won’t be ready by Quinn’s birthday, since her birthday is the day before Juneteenth, but I’ve started on a little fic that I might have the first installment of posted by then. We shall see. 

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

Here is my JOURNEY during my first watch of the first two seasons of the show. (I watched Season 3 in progress and waited until it was over to write up this review) and my probably incoherent tag of whenever I do me a lil’ liveblogging: Nesha Watches Final Space, and here is my review on Quinnary: BFCD Reviews by Nesha: (Quinn Ergon/Nightfall x Gary Goodspeed) FINAL SPACE

[riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiice]

so 2020 is officially here and i’ve left my party early to do some INTROSPECTION and SELF ASSESSMENT can i get a hell yeah ??

i’ve started this blog here mainly for myself; i want to see how i progress with certain elements of my life and i think i need somewhere to write down my gotdamn feelings. obviously tumblr is free

i’m setting some goals for the decade right now. a decade is a long time so these are some big goals (plus some little goals)

1. get through university

im 21 and ive only just started university. when i left sixth form the thought of all that debt made me weep so i thought fuck that noise and got an apprenticeship. luckily for me my apprenticeship was incredible and i love my job to bits and now theyre paying for me to do my bachelors in chemistry. ITS SO HARD THOUGH!!!!!! i am very out of practice as a student so the existence of studyblrs is a godsend.. this blog may turn into a bit of a studyblr

2. keep playing piano

earlier this year i bought a piano on a whim (potentially not my most sound financial investment. it was 600 quid) thankfully ive actually practised a lot and im quite proud of what ive achieved (being able to play moonlight sonata and the piano from amelie is a highlight) and i definitely want to keep it up but i have a habit of just giving up for no damn reason. my focus drifts and i never go back. piano brings me a sense of peace and pride and i really do not want to give that up though, so come 2030 i gotta be a pro okay? right

3. write my novel

this might seem like a stupid and unrealistic goal to just pluck out of nowhere but i’ve had this story and these characters running around in my head for sometime now. i havent come up with a sufficient plot summary because its all so abstract in my brain and i need to get these bastard characters out on a page so they can stop disturbing my thoughts

4. learn a language

i say learn a language - i’ve already gotten pretty deep into two languages, russian and swedish and i was quite good at them like conversational at least, but then of course i didnt practice and i got out of the habit and now im like barely remembering any of it. i can barely speak english on a bad day and i am english. so im gonna put my goddamn memrise pro subscription to good fucking use or im gonna have to go back to that demonic stalker hell bird from duolingo

5. lose weight/get fit

over the last couple of years i have put on a lot of weight. i think it might be a combination of getting used to full adult working hours, stress of moving out and becoming dependent purely on my own damn self and not knowing how to cook and kind of just enjoying life a bit too much (not that you shouldnt enjoy life, i mean that i go out and eat and drink far far too often) i dont necessarily want to ‘get skinny’, i just want to be proud of my body and happy with the things it can do. for this ive got a couple of ‘sub goals’:

learn to cook like a normal human being

start going to the gym (that is IN MY BUILDING and also FREE)

try barre balance classes

finally for the love of god, go back and relearn ice skating

6. work on my mental health

so after seven years (!!!) of having some pretty bad issues and low points etc etc. i finally had something of a mental breakdown in june this year. turns out pretending that everything is fine is not a long term solution. so with a bit of help from my mum, i am now in therapy. and boy there is a lot going on. things i hadn’t even thought about since i was a child are actually still affecting me in a big way??? what bullshit. childhood trauma seemed like something that happened to other people and not in my real life. but im working through it. its going to be a long haul journey and theres so much i havent even begun to try to deal with, but if i can stay on the right track and work through it all i’ll be happy. i know its not something that can be like fixed and done with, so if i can just find the will to carry on with everything i’ll be pleased

OKAY, so these are my long term goals. im trying not to put too much pressure on myself to do all of this all the time. maybe ill have a week where i learn 6000 songs on the piano and nothing else. thats cool. although i think uni work may be a bit of a priority that i need to push myself on.... 

but anyway, to anyone who reads this inane ramble, i hope you have a gorgeous 2020 and a roaring 20′s decade and remember -  

stay sexy

[plusultrabitchez]

Rooms on Fire Chapter 2: The Return

Flashback to the UA Sports Festival

"This is not good for me." You look around frantically for a team to join, but everyone turns their backs to you. You figured this would happen if a team challenge was involved. Ever since the attack on the USJ the whole school knew about your lineage and not just the UA Teachers. Your classmates had been understanding about your villain parents since they actually got to know you before they found out, but it was every man for himself at the festival.

You roll your eyes and glance over and see Aoyama and Ojiro standing next to that hot purple haired boy you've seen around school. You also saw him use his quirk during the obstacle race. "Okay, let's give this a try."

"Hey purple hair!" You call marching up to him.

Shinsou turned around to face the person who just called out to him and was met by a short girl with long (h/c) pulled into a ponytail. As she got closer he noticed little wisps of hair framing her face and bright (e/c) eyes. He was caught off guard for a moment. There was no way that a girl this pretty was talking to him on purpose. He gulped but maintained his composure. "Can I help you?"

"Yeah, I'm joining your team."

"Who the hell does this chick think she is?"

Shinsou opened his mouth to talk but was cut off before he could get anything out. "Look, it's simple. I need a team and you need me if you want to win this thing."

"God she's cocky....and pretty. Shit focus Hitoshi." Shinsou put on his best poker face and crossed his arms. "What exactly is your quirk?"

You held up your hand and a blue energy field formed around your arm. "Energy manipulation/absorption." You gave the purple hair boy a grin. "Meaning I can create a energy force field around us so no one can take our points."

A grin grew on Shinsou's face. He was clearly impressed. "Not bad."

"Thanks. So are we gonna do this thing or what?"

Shinsou's smile faded. "Why me? Why don't you team up with some of you 1-A classmates? Or literally anyone in the Hero course?"

You sighed and crossed your arms. Time to come clean. "I'm observant. So I've overheard people talking about your quirk and how you're 'totally villain material'..."

Shinsou's heart sank. Is this what she thought of him? Was this out of pity? He was used to people being harsh about his quirk, but he'd be lying if he said he was completely unaffected. "Well I call bullshit." You continued making Shinsou quirk his brows up in surprise. "You have a insanely awesome quirk and it's idiotic that they're wasting all that talent and potential you have by putting you in general studies."

This made Shinsou's heart sore. This badass and beautiful girl from the Hero course was just smothering him with compliments and he didn't know how to take it. "T-Thank you."

"You're welcome." You we're quiet for a moment and looked down at your shoes. "I...I also know that it's not easy having everyone assume you're a villain because of your quirk or..." you swallowed trying to gather courage for the rest of your sentence as you looked back up at him "...or who your parents are."

The realization hit Shinsou like a truck. “Oh! You're the daughter of-" Shinsou stopped himself as you looked away and your body language became timid. The total opposite of the confidence that you first had when you approached him. He smiled at you and waved his hand dismissively. "Eh, I don't give a shit about that. They wouldn't let you into UA if you were a risk right?"

You smiled and nodded as Shinsou held out his hand for you to shake. "I'm Hitoshi Shinsou."

You shake his hand. "I'm (Y/N) Kubo."

"Let's wipe the floor with these chuckleheads."

You smile thinking back on your meeting. Who would've thought that you guys would actually develop a friendship. You couldn't wait to see Shinsou again.

Your plane was landing soon and Ochaco would be meeting you at the gate. You look over to Hades who was being such a good boy during the flight, but poor Binx and Salem were having the worst time in their carriers. You had given them the medication you got from the vet to knock them out for the trip, but it had worn off. "How are you guys doing?" Peering into the dark carriers to see only to see their big yellow eyes looking back at you from the darkness. Giggling as you remembered Tokoyami "Revelry in the dark." You mumbled to yourself in a gruff voice.

By the time you and your animals got off the plane, found a cart for the cat carriers and picked up your baggage you were ready for a drink and some food. You looked around seeing if you could spot Ochaco, but couldn't see her anywhere.

"We're both short so we can't find each other. We clearly didn't think this through." Hades was getting antsy and he stood next to you waiting on your next move. Binx and Salem were meowing and hissing like crazy.

"(Y/N)!!!" A wave of relief came over you as you spotted the adorable brunette running over to you.

"Ochaco!!!" You ran up to her and gave her a huge hug. You didn't have many friends in your old city so it had been a while since you got a decent hug. Hades started barking with excitement. He absolutely adored Ochaco and started jumping up demanding attention.

"Hades!" She squealed kneeling down to rub his ears and was covered in sloppy kisses. "I think he missed you as much as I did."

.

You and Ochaco arrive at your dad's house and hopped out of the car. He was out of town on a mission, but you had a key. Kaito Kubo was your adoptive farther and one of the heroes that rescued you from your biological parents when you were 11. He didn't need to take you in, but he didn't hesitate. You took his last name and considered him your father.

It was hard for him being a single dad to a child who was healing from a great deal of trauma, but he was always patient, kind, and supportive. He made sure you got caught up on school, taught you how to ride a bike, always comforted you when kids bullied you. When you graduated from UA he couldn't have been prouder. He was your biggest fan. It was going to be so nice to live close by so you two could hang out.

"It's so nice of your dad to let you stay with him while you find your own place."

"Are you kidding? He wouldn't let me stay anywhere else. As soon as I told him I was moving back he jumped so high he busted a hole through the roof. Speaking of which, I wonder if he fixed that yet." You used your quirk to gently propel yourself onto the roof to assess the damage. "Oh wow, he actually got it fixed. I'm surprised he didn't just throw a tarp on it and call it a day."

Well if he was as excited as you said I'm sure he wanted to have everything perfect for you when you arrived." Ochaco was making your luggage and cat carriers float as you jumped off the roof and activated your quirk just before you landed so you wouldn't hurt yourself.

Ochaco helped you unpack your things and get settled. Binx and Salem were thrilled to be out of their carriers and were sunbathing in your room. Your dad had left flowers and a welcome home gift basket filled with candy and snacks and had filled the fridge with your favorite food and beer.

"So are you excited for tonight?"

"Yeah I am. I guess I'm just a little nervous seeing everyone again. It's been a long time."

"One person in particular."

"Well a bunch of people from our class at UA will be there, and of course Shinsou."

Hearing his name out loud made you smile. "How has he been?"

"He's been really good. He worked with Deku at the agency for a while then got another offer."

"That's great. Hopefully he's getting the recognition he deserves at the new agency. I'm assuming he and Deku are still good friends since you guys were out to dinner last night."

"Oh definitely! They've become best friends over the last year. I don't know if they actually realize that, but they talk and hang out all the time."

You chuckled "A true bromance."

"Absolutely." Ochaco replies through her giggles.

Another thought entered your mind. Asking would surely give you away, but it was Ochaco. She was your best friend nowadays and what are best friends for but for helping you gather info on a guy you like right? "Does....does he have a girlfriend?"

Ochaco started giggling uncontrollably making her face all pink. She was just the cutest. "Absolutely not. I think he's too busy establishing himself as a hero. Climbing the ranks and all that."

"Good for him. He's always been so driven and works his ass off." You hung up one of your jackets in the closet and took another sip of the beer your dad left you as relief washed over you.

"Yeah well I think he needs to get laid." This comment made you choke and spew your beer everywhere. Once you caught your breath you shot her a look. "Ochaco, I didn't ever expect to hear those words coming out of your mouth."

"Well it's true. He works so hard and I don't know what he does in his free time besides hang out with Deku and Iida." She nudged you while wiggling her eyebrows "I think he needs a lady friend."

You blush and start laughing. "I'm the farthest thing from a 'lady' you know that." With this you chug the rest of your beer before throwing the empty can in the recycling bin.

"Ha! Well either way you need to pick out an outfit for tonight. We need to start getting ready soon. Everyone is meeting us at the venue."

You looked at your closet pensively. “Fucking hell I don't know what to wear.”

[kk095]

Wrong place, wrong time

@beggingforbreathe and I worked on this story together. We hope you like it!

*****

In my experience as an ER doctor, I feel that most trauma cases are the result of poor decision making in some capacity. However, there are people that were simply victims of circumstance and sometimes those are the hardest to take. And now, sitting at my computer as I type in notes for the coroner, I realize I had one of these victims of circumstance today.  It ended up being a particularly difficult case for me.

Patient info:

Name: Madilyn Morris

Date of Birth:  10/17/1979

Description: 38-year-old white female, 5'11, Impossibly fair skinned with a hint of pink in her cheeks, she didn't wear much makeup, but she didn't need it as her skin was clear.  Chocolate brown eyes that were large and fringed with dark lashes. Tall with softer curves that had a slight hourglass shape. Wider hips, naturally large breasts. Dark hair with a touch of white hid by the streaks of honey and purple. Small wrinkles around her mouth and eyes from laughter, and a Celtic moon tattooed on her hip.

Medical Problem: … I stare at the screen remembering.  

It started a little after 12 pm.  Normally, weekday afternoons are totally empty in my emergency department so I take a lunch break between 12 and 1. However, my lunch break was cut off rather quickly.  My pager went off, telling me that EMS was on the way with a critical patient. Calling the desk, all they could tell me was “female, late 30s, multiple gsw’s.” With a sigh, I thought a few things: First . . . who gets shot on a weekday afternoon?  Second . . . how serious was this case? Were these gunshot wounds going to be flesh wounds or was she going to be basically dead on arrival? I hoped for the best but mentally prepared for the worst.

I left the hospital cafeteria and quickly started ordering my nurses and residents around. “Ok, let’s get trauma 1 ready. Let’s get blood, FFP, an intubation kit, a chest tube tray, a thoracotomy tray, and a crash cart. I wanna make sure we’re prepared for EVERYTHING! And call the OR and make sure there’s an OR ready for us just in case.”

My staff members hurried around the emergency department as they geared up, prepared the trauma room, and got the supplies I felt we needed. “what’s our ETA?” I asked. One of the nurses replied, “ETA is 5 minutes.”   I nodded and went into trauma room 1 and put my gown, gloves, and face visor on. The room was eerily quiet in those few minutes, you could probably hear a pin drop. Little did I know, that was the calm before the storm.

When the ambulance and patient arrived, the trauma team and I were bombarded with a wall of sound. The ambulance’s sirens were very loud, running at the highest level possible and were followed by all the commotion that ensued as they ran the gurney in.   The paramedics wheeled our patient in and said “38-year-old female, 1 gsw to the left chest, 1 to the upper left abdomen, and 1 grazing wound to the left calf. Hypotensive, tachycardic, probable hypovolemic shock, altered mental status…”

“Seriously?” she coughed and swallowed hard.  “Altered mental status? I just got shot! Wanna trade places and see how your mental status is?” she said weakly with very sharp brown eyes glaring at the man as she intervened in my conversation.  She was a feisty one, probably running off adrenaline, but that worked in my favor.

“Alright, ma’am, can you tell me your name?” I asked as she was transferred to the table carefully.

“Madilyn. My students call me Mrs. Morris.” She answered with a sigh.

“So you’re a teacher?” I asked, trying to make conversation to put her at ease and hopefully gather potentially vital information. “What do you teach?”

“High school English.”  She’s a little short of breath as she responds.  “Today, the death scene in Romeo and Juliet. Fitting huh?”  Her eyes blink closed for a few seconds as I almost miss the grimace and the slight way she scrunches her toes.  She is in some pain, but I am reluctant to give her anything that might dull her senses right now. “Really living the dream, aren’t I?” she replied a bit sarcastically, but I could tell there was humor under the sarcasm and the corner of her mouth turned up showing off the little laugh lines at the corner.  This was a woman who seemed to have no regrets.

“Can you tell me what happened, Madilyn? I know you got shot, but is there anything you can tell me beyond that?” I asked.  I really just wanted to keep her talking. If she was talking, it can’t be that serious. I wanted it to not be serious.

“I was just getting my class settled …  we had a fire drill.” Her sentences are short, broken, but to the point.   “I heard some noise in the hallway … yelling and cussing. I knew the voice so I stepped out into the hall.  He was shoving the guard and trying to take his gun. He tackled the guy, almost had the gun and the guard warned him that he was going to shot.  He was so strong . . . the boy just grabbed his arm and tried to wrestle the gun free. Somewhere in there, the guard pulled the trigger. He hit me… I don’t think he even knew I was in the hall.”

“So you were at the wrong place at the wrong time,” I reply as people work around her and I quietly observe.  “Can you tell me the name of the boy or the security guard?”

“I can’t,” she sighs.  I remember that names are protected information and nod.  “He’s fairly new, autistic. He has some challenging behaviors.  He doesn’t like noise and I didn’t see his headphones. The alarms probably upset him. He saw me after … I don’t think he understood.  As for the guard… it was an accident. I don’t want anyone in trouble over this.” I look at her thinking that maybe her mental status is a bit altered.  

“Alright Madilyn, I can’t make any guarantees about them.  We’re gonna focus on you now and make sure you’re ok,” you reply as you touch my bare shoulder trying to be reassuring.  

I removed the blanket that EMS placed over Madilyn's torso. Her chest and abdomen were covered in a decent amount of blood, almost marching the burgundy bra and panty set she was wearing. “Ok, I want a chest x-ray, a chest and abdominal ultrasound, and let’s hang o-neg and FFP from the rapid infuser,” I ordered.

“It hurts,” she finally breaks down looking at me.  Her brown eyes were starting to show it now as I notice the thin sheen of tears.  The adrenaline protecting her was definitely fading. “Could you do something for the pain?” She didn’t shout.  She didn’t scream, but her jaw was locked and her toes were curled tight now. Her fingers were wound tight around the sheets.   

“Alright,” you agree wishing you could be reluctant but knowing you can’t.  “Let’s push a round of morphine,” I said, realizing that Madilyn was in pain, despite her tough, sarcastic persona.

We removed her bra and panties along with the backboard, c-collar, and head stabilizer and turned Madilyn onto her side to locate exit wounds. It was a pretty quick initial assessment: 3 entry wounds, 3 exit wounds. Now the next question was: what structures were injured? Madilyn was awake, talking and seemed “fine” despite the circumstances.  Her stats, however, suggested substantial blood loss. “Let’s get that chest x-ray and the ultrasounds,” I ordered.

“Madilyn, how’s your breathing?” I asked concerned.  The morphine had started to kick in and her body was much more relaxed.

“Fine,” she sighed.  But I ’m cold. The room might be spinning.  Is this worse than I think it is?” she asked as her eyes closed.

“We don't know just yet but we’re gonna get to the bottom of this, Ok?” I said back to her.  “How’s that blood coming?” you say knowing that they need to keep the supply going. You look up, but it’s full and dripping into her arm.  

The chest x-ray didn’t really show anything significant. However, both ultrasounds concerned me greatly. The chest ultrasound showed pericardial effusion and the abdominal ultrasound showed evidence of a large bleed but the source was unknown. My main concerns were the spleen or the abdominal aorta as the source of the bleeding. At that point, I decided to get a consult from our trauma surgeon about our next step. Madilyn seemed adequately stable so I figured I’d hand her off to surgery and be done with the case . . . or so I thought.

One minute she seemed fine, the next she started to deteriorate rapidly. Her blood pressure started to tank and she started spitting up blood.  Madilyn was scared at that point. Her bravado was totally gone. She looked at me while shivering and asked “am I gonna die?” while more blood entered her mouth as she coughed.

“We're gonna get a surgeon down here. I just need you to stay with me, ok?” I asked her while looking into her brown eyes.  I grabbed her hand and squeezed it for a second before knowing I needed to get back to work. The second I let go, it was as if she suddenly fell asleep. The monitors displayed ventricular fibrillation.

“Damn it! Where’s that surgical consult?!” I shouted as one of the nurses started pumping away at madilyn's chest.  Her large, natural breasts bounced around during each individual compression as the sound of the defibrillator paddles charging could be heard in the background. “Ok, everyone clear!” I shouted as the defibrillator paddles were placed onto the woman's bare chest. Her body arched slightly and crashed back onto the table as the shock went through her body. “No change! Push a round of epi and recharge the paddles.” I ordered while the nurse resumed deep, violent chest compressions. An Ambu bag was placed over her nose and mouth so air could be forced in. “I don't think she’s moving any air, we need suction!” Shouted the nurse that was in charge of bagging. Once blood was suctioned out of the woman's mouth, another shock was delivered. Madilyn's size 10 feet flew into the air and slammed down quickly, showing off a few prominent wrinkles in the soles of her feet. The monitors showed an idioventricular rhythm. She’d slipped into the grey area between asystole and v-fib; it’s not a shockable rhythm so all we could do is get blood into her, push meds, and keep doing CPR.

After another round of epinephrine and 2 and a half more minutes of uneventful CPR, I decided that we should intubate her. As her chest was being continuously pounded, I watched as the resident with me grabbed the silver scope and opened her mouth wide with gloved hands.  A plastic tube was inserted into her airway and held in place with tape. “Tube's in,” said the resident that did the intubation. An Ambu bag was attached to the tube and ventilation was resumed. I placed my stethoscope on her chest just to make sure we had good breath sounds.  They’d done a great job. Air moved through her lungs.

The nurse that was performing CPR started to get tired so I swapped out with them, wanting to keep the best possible flow of blood going. I placed the heel of my hand on the center of Madilyn’s chest, kept my arm straight, interlocked my fingers over her heart, and pushed down hard and fast without bending my elbows. I could feel Madilyn’s fading body heat against my palms as I heard one of her ribs snap like a twig. I heard a muted cracking sound with each individual compression after that.

Another 3 minutes went by as my arms grew tired and my muscles ached. We pushed 2 more rounds of epi along with a round of atropine, and then angiotensin 2. Unfortunately, she was still in this idioventricular rhythm. I started to feel extremely fatigued since I was pumping the beautiful woman’s chest with maximum effort.  If ever I wanted someone to pull through, this was it . . . she didn’t need to die, not under these circumstances. I looked down at her face. If it wasn’t for the ET tube hanging out of her mouth, I would’ve thought she was asleep.

“Come on Madilyn! Come back to us! I wanna hear you make another smart alec remark, ok?!” I shouted at her as if I was convincing her not to die. “You can do it.  Stay with us.” I was starting to get short of breath from this effort, even with the break in between as we constantly switched places.

CPR went on to no avail for another 2 minutes. At that point, I had to make some changes to the code because what we were doing obviously wasn’t working. Her pupils were sluggish but still reactive so she wasn’t dead just yet.

“Get me the thoracotomy tray! We gotta open her up now!” I shouted, hoping that my desperate attempt would bring Madilyn back.

I swapped out of doing CPR so I could perform the thoracotomy. A nurse squirted betadine on the left side of Madilyn's chest. I picked up the 10 blade off of the thoracotomy tray as someone lifted her arm for me. I made an incision in her 5th intercostal space starting at her sternum and ending at the mid-axillary line, near her left armpit. After the incision, I used blunt forceps to cut through the muscle, connective tissue, and fat to expose the space between her ribs. Once the cutting and snipping were done, I placed a finochietto rib spreader into the incision site and quickly began turning the knobs. Madilyn’s chest was still being pumped as a cracking, popping sound filled the room as I forced the teacher's chest open.

Once she was open, I reached into her chest and started feeling around to see what was injured. “Damn. There’s a large hole on the anterior and posterior side of the left ventricle. I need suction!” I shouted as a nurse suctioned out blood from the patient's chest cavity.  The chest X-Ray had not shown this. Maybe it was the low blood volume at the start. Whatever the reason, I’d had no reason to think it was this bad. I might have cracked her chest open sooner if I had.

I quickly tried to patch up the two wounds as one of the residents started internal cardiac massage. Her heart was barely quivering at this point.  I stitched up the wounds quickly to try and limit the damage; it was simply a temporary fix. After that, I took over internal compressions as the final round of epi was pushed. To my surprise, Madilyn converted to a shockable rhythm. I suddenly felt her heart squirm around in my hands as I forced the damaged organ to pump effectively. “Ok, someone charge the internal paddles,” I ordered as I pumped madilyn’s heart manually. “Come on Madilyn, don't do this!” I said to myself. I’m not in the habit of showing any such emotion to the staff around me.  Most people think I’m cold.

Seconds later, the internal paddles were charged and ready for use. I grabbed the large, spoon-shaped paddles and placed them into her chest, delivering a shock to her exposed, twitching heart. A dull, wet thump was heard as her body jolted slightly. “No change, resuming compressions!” I shouted as the internal paddles were being recharged. Madilyn’s heart squirmed around in my hands again as I forced it to pump. “come on…come on!” I said to myself while looking intensely at the heart monitor.

“Paddles are ready, Doctor,” one of the residents said holding them out to me. I grabbed the internal paddles, placed them onto Madilyn’s quivering heart, and shocked her again. Her body twitched and her toes scrunched as the electricity ran through her lifeless body.

“No pulse.  She’s still in V-Fib.” Said one of the residents. The sounded a little defeated.

“Resuming internal compressions.  Charge the paddles again,” I ordered the resident. I massaged Madilyn’s heart for several seconds as the sound of the internal paddles charging could be heard behind me. Once the paddles were ready, I placed them back into Madilyn's chest cavity and delivered another shock. Her arms flailed subtly and her breasts jiggled.  I plunged my hand back into her chest to feel her heart. The monitors displayed no change whatsoever as her lungs fluttered around my hand as they pushed air into her from the bag. Pulling my hand out, I immediately shocked Madilyn again and got the exact same result.

“She’s still in v-fib. Charge again!” I shouted refusing to give up on this woman’s heart.  One of the residents checked Madilyn’s pupils as I massaged her heart and the sound of the internal paddles charging was heard throughout the room.

“Doctor,” she said gently as I worked compressing her dying heart.  It was as if she could sense I didn’t want to hear what came next. Maybe she could.  “Doctor, her pupils are fixed and dilated….” Said the nurse in a defeated tone. “She’s gone.”

I paused for a moment, still holding her heart in my hands as the paddles were held out for me. The room became eerily silent during this pause. Madilyn was still in V-Fib but she was gone. I looked over at the clock and said “time of death, 13:04.”

Everyone around me looked like they felt the same way I did.  The monitors were slowly shut off as the Ambu bag was detached from the ET tube and the patient laid motionless on the bed. They placed the internal paddles back on the crash cart as I looked down at Madilyn's body as the nurses slowly removed EKG electrodes. I wanted to reach in and keep her going, but I knew I couldn’t.  Madilyn's heart twitched for a few more seconds as the nurses removed the last of the electrodes from her bruised, and bloody chest. Her body was deathly pale, her lips were pale, and she was a bit cold to the touch.

I removed my trauma gown and visor, which were covered in madilyn’s blood.  The door to the trauma room swung open as an admitting nurse walked in on the scene unfolding.  I can hear her sigh when she realized what was happening. “Her husband just arrived.” Her body was still bare on the table as people started to remove equipment.  

“Okay.  I will be out in a few minutes.  Just let me….” Let me what. Nothing was going to make this easy on him if he wanted to see her.  But I could make it at least easier. Normally I wouldn’t even bother. I reached down and began to undo the rib spreaders, turning the knobs back until I was able to pull them out.  Most people were trickling out of the room because they were needed elsewhere. I probably was too, but I couldn’t leave her like this.

“Do you need help?” she asked kindly.  

“Let’s clean her up,” I said quietly.  “I don’t want him to have to see her like this.”  She nodded at me as she moved to pull the tube between Madison’s pale blue lips before she got the stuff to clean the blood off of her chest and abdomen while I slowly closed the emergency thoracotomy I had done trying to save her life.  It didn’t take long to have her looking pale, but at least not like she’d died in such a tragic, violent way. I watched as the nurse got the cover for her body. I took it from her and placed it over Madilyn’s pale, lifeless body. Only her feet were left exposed. Lastly, I took the toe tag and placed it on the big toe of her left foot. The tag dangled in front of her prominent wrinkled soles as the nurse walked out of the room.

“I’m sorry, Madilyn,” I said quietly to her on the table and the empty room.  I knew I had tried. But I felt extremely defeated by this case. It’s hard when it goes like this….  when she was awake and alert when she came to my ER. She was a strong woman with a likable personality and she was much too young to be under this sheet right now.  And she’d died doing a job that’s supposed to be “safe.” It all left an unsettling feeling in my stomach. Especially now as I type out the notes for the coroner which will end my involvement in the case, but I’m pretty sure I know what they will say, she died from hypovolemic shock secondary to comorbid injuries to the left ventricular combined with a splenic laceration from the second bullet.  It still doesn’t make it any easier to write up though.