#God's I am so fucking worthless
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#Guess who just realized she can't afford her meds#Yipeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!#God's I am so fucking worthless#Delete later#Hahahahaha everything is so bad hahahahahhahah#I'm just tired
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Arys Oakheart was courteous, and would talk to her cordially. Once he even objected when Joffrey commanded him to hit her. He did hit her in the end, but not hard as Ser Meryn or Ser Boros might have, and at least he had argued.
Sansa I - ACOK
It still shamed Ser Arys to remember all the times he'd struck that poor Stark girl at the boy's command. When Tyrion had chosen him to go with Myrcella to Dorne, he lit a candle to the Warrior in thanks.
The Soiled Knight - AFFC
#Arys strikes me as a drunk cryer#text says Lady Sansa I am so sorry for hitting you I never should have done it I had to obey the king#I am the most worthless knight the gods ever made I should have smuggled you to Dorne the second I got the chance#my actions were unacceptable I am not worthy of being in your vicinity I am soiled as a knight and as a man by what I did to you#please forgive me#three full tags and some for this rambler#this is an old piece I hadn't posted it because I wasn't 100% happy with it#but fuck it I haven't posted art in a while and my next piece is far from done#Sansa Stark#Arys Oakheart#valyrianscrolls#asoiaf#a song of ice and fire#asoiaf fanart#my art
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ཐི ₍ᐢ. ̞.ᐢ₎ ཋྀ
#oooof... it's officially my birthday#and i always have bad anxiety the entire day#just seeing the date on my phone or ipad makes me wanna vomit :///#i just hate it so much....#i know it is dramatic but yeah.. :(( i just dont feel good at all and i never do#it's such a deep feeling of that i am so very unimportant#and all i am is a worthless burden on everyone and i should've never been born#i fantasize abt being important and revered and like...#i feel embarrassed even saying it lmaoooo but i fantasize abt my birthday being inportant#even if i know that as an adult and the older u are the less big of a deal birthdays are#it's just that i missed out on sm of it... so i still wish for it#but i feel silly for even feeling that way bc im asking for too much to be important at all#i feel demanding and unfair and expectant and#it is so much easier to just hate myself and wanna die lmao#rather than ...... disappointment and sadness... even after all of these years i still feel so saf#SAD******#and i see my old friends having birthday parties and dinners with a lot of guests on their birthdays#and they still post on eo's walls and like#i wanna cry..... bc i cant even imagine more than one person doing that for me and barely even that tbh#and ppl.. allowijg ME to be important and centered for one day...? thats batshit insane never would happen#allowing******#i know its oversensitive and dramatic and every year im like god shut the fuck up crybaby#u havent been important for years and years and years get over it%#!!!!!* and i try to do that but still every year i get so unbelieavably depressed#excuse me for still having this childish need to want to be important#the way see all of them be.... 🙄 ugh anyway#i wanna die so i can stop being a bother and a burden and suffer everyday bc im not allowed to exist 🙏#im really trying to be brave and shut up abt it but my entire chest burns and my heart aches i feel so so so bad i just wanna cry but i cant
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#just needed to vent for a sec but oh god am i tired of people#'friends' both irl and online got me fucked up lately#mental healths been in the shitter almost nonstop this year#familys always got me up the wall#i just feel like I'm constantly treading water and i am *tired*. like so fucking TIRED#it's never enough; it's too much; no not like that; but not that either; it's all wrong wRoNg WrOnG#ik im sleep deprived and possibly pms-y and that is most certainly not helping things rn but...#gods i see less and less of a reason to get out of bed and bother with anything ever again#wtf is the purpose#i can't keep friends to save my life bc im apparently a fuckin doormat and interesting as unflavored rice or smth#how hard is it to feel like you maybe sorta kinda matter and aren't an unlovable worthless piece of shit#years of therapy; trying meds; everything under the sun.... and nothing. lows and highs and dips of every kind and yet ..nothing#and maybe im just very much in my feelings rn and just yelling into the void.. but it hurts and im tired of pretending it doesn't.#i hate how hard it is to make friends as an adult especially irl. and how gossipy and cliquey and gross and mean ppl can be#of getting called childish and naive and boring for wanting to be a decent person and having interests outside of partying#(not attacking those traits but tired of getting attacked for *not* being 'fun' enough or 'social' enuf or 'sensitive' for having feelings)#enough*#i just want to go eat drywall and stand in the rain and let it help me pretend im not crying blood rn.#like every cell in my body isn't trying to spontaneously combust.#'it gets better' ..yeah? when. when i was 14? when i was 23? when im 37? when im 55? 82? WHEN.. bc im so sick and tired#and no this isn't me writing a final note or whatever it sounds like; i just wanted to word vomit bc ive never been good w sadness#and ive got such an overwhelming amount of it rn i can't even turn it into anger & spite & use that for productivity... i just want to rot#to lie down and be covered by plants as i sleep and just slowly fade into a cloud or smth like it's a ghibli movie or wtv.#im like shaking from how stupidly emotional i feel rn. the lack of empathy these days is fuckin astounding#common sense & empathy are lacking in absolutely droves these days. some days i hate the internet & tech for its irreparable damages sm#but here we are and here it shall remain. long after us; and *long* after us ..... *sigh*#anyway ima go try to take a nap or smth. I'll see ya when i see ya. take care my lovelies#if u read all this i prob owe you a cookie lol
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anyone else seeing some distasteful kurt busch dwi takes or is it just me
#like don't get me wrong... it's bad. he had a LOT in his system and he shouldn't have been driving#but oh my god...#calling him disgusting?#when (if you take like 5 minutes to look) a lot of his fans seem to think he might have a drinking problem...?#I don't know anything about the guy honestly. he could be the worst person in nascar or a literal saint. it doesn't matter#I just think it's weird for people to hop on their soap boxes to publicly decry him worthless for this#like you don't have to like him to not be condescending to addicts??#holy shittt#it's truly awful#and it's coming from a LOT of ''left leaning'' accounts I follow too. sad.#like sure you want to help alcoholics/addicts but do you show compassion.#instead of ''this is disgusting I am repulsed by [man I don't know]'s actions''#how about you try ''wow this is disappointing but I really hope he seeks help for both the community and his sake''#otherwise your comments are just performative bullshit#addicts shouldn't have to read your garbage and shame themselves into healing.#cause yknow that doesn't always fucking work. sometimes it makes them want to harm themselves MORE.#because if they're already so terrible how can they live sober/clean?!#so maybe shut the fuck up.#anyway. you can socially condemn things without trying to humiliate addicts and potential addicts who are ultimately#victims of their condition.#sincerely. the son and grandson of several addicts.#P.S. THIS POST IS NOT SAYING ADDICTS ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR THEIR ACTIONS. NOWHERE DO I SAY THAT.#ok bye
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thinking about guy who said that a day (while he was hanging out with me.) was wasted because it wasn't "productive" and when i objected, he said he doesnt consider building relationships to be productive. and i think we talked about it after and got to some kind of understanding about what was meant, but i don't remember that now, and we're not in touch anymore, and it's actually exactly because he did not value me, my time, or my effort.
anyway can u imagine ? guy was like big into acid and stuff . whenevr i took acid/shroomies, i usually came out of it thinking "man, other ppl are what make life worth living" & like i may be aroace+apl but bro... spending all day chatting with my awesome ppl is a day well spent.
#god i hope that guy sets himself on fire#i despise his entire deal#its irrational and self protective and self destructive all at the same time because some part of me is convinced i am still so emotional#abt it because there's smth i wont accept abt myself that reflects what he was like to me but like.....#idk. i guess it's another case of anger subbing for fear. fear of abandonment#because he said he'd be there for me and then he bailed. because me straightforwardly saying what i thought was too much? not soft enough?#he wanted me to hold his hand and walk him through his horrible little misogynist rants. and i was supposed to be there for him too so like#idk like if we had had more of a rapport maybe i would've had more patience with him. but i think he thought he had paid for it already and#im not actually like that.#well i guess like it was never going to work out it's worthless getting stuck on this again#it just makes me angry to think the is out there somewhere going around probably (???) thinking he is in the right when he obviously owes m#a fucking apology#guy i hate#<- organizational tag#/ᐠ 🝦 ﻌ 🝦マ#idk for all i know he's wracked by guilt#lmao sorry but i hope so.#because i am.#but im the one who Got Hurt. and i really did my best not to lash out but i guess i was passive aggressive maybe.#why can i not let this go? im really asking.#vent cw
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cw post / tags. sorry
i don't even know if i have the words
to express this
she's gone
and its all my fault
#~ . 🥀#half my brain wants to scream to cry to do something#the other half wants to lie here forever and wait til i go numb#im in such a state of shock rn i .m gonna throw up#for context#2 hours ago as of writing this i received news that a loved one committed suicide#i was one of the only people that knew she was severely depressed / suicidal i shouldve seen the signs#i shouldve helped her more or called her or told someone#i was a coward. i couldn't.#and because i willingly did nothing to stop someone from dying#i am compliant. therefore . its my fault shes dead#.#this isnt some story where you can rewrite the ending#this is real life#and now i watched someone i love die and will have to live with the guilt of knowing i couldve done something but chose not to#the worst type of person.#i didnt deserve to be friends with someone like her.#no one did. she was smart and witty and oh so stubborn (affectionate)#we both loved the same bands. i don't know if i can ever listen to those bands the same way again#god i cant think#im actually gonna throw up#this is the 2nd time in my life something like this has happened. 3rd if you count all COD not just suicide#knowing something is wrong with a loved one but being too much of a wuss to tell anyone or help them or do anything useful#god im fucking worthless#my friends and family will vent to me and share their problems with me and ill say i care and tell myself i care#but givenmy behavior i don't think i can ever say i can#idoly standing by while people i love suffer#fuckin pathetic#this was a deliberate choice i made. this is all my fault#this is all my fault
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reeeeeeally wish. it didnt feel. like the needs of my body vs the needs of my brain were actively in fucking conflict with each other in a way that makes it impossible to function or exist
#toy txt post#chronic pain#just. really frustrated. cant see a way out or through or over or whatever here yall#augh#and dad wants me to. do what i was doing before that made everything worse somehow as a method to get my foot in the door and fucking#network???? to do?????? unclear. until i get what. middle management?#how the fuck would that help anything#meanwhile i am trying to muster the executive function to complete. the catpans#ouaghghahghhgghg#it is so hard to be gentle with myself about this bc it doesnt feel like i deserve gentleness for it! like i have worked so hard to try to#unlearn the ableism and shit but that doesnt really fucking help much if both my parents just keep that shit so deeply baked into their#worldview that they interpret me trying to treat myself a little gentler as being a lazy freeloader or whatever#like im really trying not to be too harsh on myself about this but for what? at least if im mean to me about it i have ground to stand on#in calling their meanness unjust and unnecessary cos dont worry!!!!!!!!! i can reproduce the entire fucking ableism cycle inside my own#head and self flagellate for not being able ti push through it like you guys did so you dont have to! in fact i am so good at it that it#makes it an impossible topic to address! bc i just speedrun everything into thinking of myself as worthless so you dont have to! see im not#a total laze/s#god. i hate this so much so fucking much. aaaaagh. there are a number of things i CAN do and unfortunately none of them seem to be#the necessary administrative faff of it all#oausbdjsfusbfhshhrrrgrhrhgggg#trying to organize notes of talking points to unpack this a little in therapy this week but its only the second appt. so like. she wanted#to go through a bit of a questionnaire? idkkkk
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trying to not cry and being dramatic over something thats likely me getting into my own head
#personal#must resist the urge to immediately self destruct and lash out when i think im gonna be abandoned by others#ermmm i feell a tad bit worthless if i am to be real 😀#me when the past irreversibly fucked me up. awesome ‼️#well. we will heal or so god help me
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asked my grandma if i could move in with her since my mom is planning on moving to mexico and we have to leave out apartment in 3 months cause our landlords giving it to his son or whatever and like. she said no lol. she said no. lol. lmao even. she has a house. with like 3 empty rooms. lmao. lol even.
#then she started going on how she's poor or whatever like. so am i#so is my moms family in mexico#so are my moms friends who offered their houses#but i asked her cause i dont want to move to mexico and i dont want to move in with essentially strangers#like i dont know my moms friends well ivenever had like a proper conversation with any of them#but no shes poor and shes never gotten to be alone in her house (im mexican this statement was so funny to me)#like sorry u have poor family and sorry my brothers suck so i cant move in with them#like she litereally said why not move in with ur brothers and i said straight to her face#im not moving in with people with drinking problems and anger issues lol#anyways LOL LMAO zHAHAHHAAHHAAH#life is so fucking stupid#and my life is worthless#anyways she started saying she doesnt like how im making her fel bad and like the bad guy and how she's gonna think it over#so who knows she might change her mind but god#i rlly thought she'd say yes and now i feel stupid#oh also she's not poor lol
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help girl. i wish i was a computer so i could delete the BPD file
#bobbi babbling#ventpost#sorry.#i am actually fucking broken its insane lmao#imagine being so fucking worthless even your personality is wrong#HA i dont have to imagine#this is why im unlovable lmfao#im the worst person on earth#fucked up personality fucked up face fucked up body#im not smart fun loveable hot or fuckable so im worthless#nobody in the world is as awful as me#and nobody in the world will ever want me to be theirs totally and completely#i cant ever trust anybody and everything is horrible#i dont deserve to live#God probably hates me#everyone hates me
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being chubby means there are wars going on in my mind every single day with millions of soldiers dying
#the fact it makes me feel like i am immediately eliminated as someone to be romantically or sexually interested in for most of the world#and like. if its true that someone wouldnt like me for my weight then i wouldnt want them either but like. oh god. oh my fucking god#i do want to lose some weight just bc i have a lot of clothes i got recently that i like that i want to fit into again#and its not even much that i would need to lose. but even the thought of moving towards being skinny is terrifying i would never want to do#that. like the thought that someone could like me as a skinny person and think i was ugly if they had met me a year earlier and i wouldnt#even know is HORRIFYING.#its like. ive moved past the outward fatphobia of our world a lot. i dont really care about how my body looks im pretty neutral about it for#the most part and im happy that ive gotten to thaf point#but the fact that the way i look is a MAJOR part of how other people interact with me is so scary. and makes me so sad#just like jo march. it doesnt really matter how much work youve done on becoming someone strong and smart and secure and having people you#love platonically. at a certain point having no romantic love makes you feel lonely#and a little worthless. like oh someone has to know me really well before ever being interested in me as more than a friend nice to know i#inspire no feelings of attraction in the people i am interested in because of the body i inhabit. awesome 👍🏻#ugh. its whatever. its just a lot of contradictory shit i think about a lot and hate thinking about so much
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sometimes i truly do feel so isolated and alienated because even if people on here are lonely and sad they still have friends and partners and they're capable of having jobs and getting educations ... and im like ok wow im like actually the only one who doesn't just "feel" those things but also is completely worthless and insignificant. cool 👍
#and it's why i cant feel connected to anyone even if some ppl are nice to me#bc ok yeah but at the end of the day i still AM a loser while u have a life and ppl who care abt u........#nobody gets me. like for real...... ☹️#having avpd is fucked up and a curse tbh#idk rn im also in an avpd moment where i cant even reply to anyone at all#im like ok wow.... i both feel like im only worthless and stupid and awkward anyway why even bother trying#plus im genuinely like tired...... i just wanna be the most important to ONE person and be chosen by them over everyone else#never having experienced that just makes everything else pale away in comparison like i cant even find it in me to feel anythinf#anything*#im just feeling so fucking sad and im realizing how fkn alone i an#AM* god trying so hard not to cut myself since i cant even type properly#and since i have avpd that only makes me isolate myself more which makes me more miserable#but also the thing is... my only choice IS to isolate myself bc i dont have anybody#having short shallow social exchanges w ppl who i only exist a little bit to is making me feel more empty#i so badly need deep strong emotional connections#but actually i dont even care abt that... really truly all i want is to be no 1 to one person#so.... i dont know i dont fkn know all i know is that im so lonely#and even if shallow impersonal things can sustain me sometimes im in an avpd mood rn where i feel so fuckinf#fucking***** broken and worthless and all i want is to further isolate myself#bc when i try to talk to ppl im reminded of how stupid i am#bc they mean sm more to me than i do to them#bc they have real lives with real ppl that matter to them!!!#it's not what my soul needs so i just cant bring myself to.....#idk i also feel like an asshole bc i truly appreciate nice messages#idk i just wanna cry tbh and kms bc i will always have avpd and be broken 🩷
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Tier ranked all the new (to me) movies I watched this year!! All ENTIRELY subjective and all rows are also ordered best to worst because ✨organising✨ so The Fall (2006) was my Absolute Favourite film I watched this year 💕💕
#movies#2023#i can feel the cinephiles vibrating w rage over where i put mad god but PLEASE i respect that film sm and i am so glad people like it#but dear god it was not for me at all in the slightest#'worthless garbage' is YES too harsh and i generally do not like to describe any art as worthless but. this is all preference based#so to ME it is worthless but i think to the world in general all four have SOME worth at least. though rebel moon is fucking debatable#anyway i am def overexplaining nobody is even going to care LMAO#but !!!!! if anyone ever wants to talk abt movies pls jump into my dms i would love to chat !!!!!#also i watched exactly 100 movies this year which was so satisfying on letterboxd
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Bro I’m </3 thinking too hard </3
#vent#ugh. artfight. bullshit. fucking shit#I would rather have banter with my friends than draw for people that don’t care#but alas. the all consuming art game#I love drawing for people in theory but I hate how it makes me feel. do you understand what I mean by this#idk what it is but the fact art fight starts TOMORROW has me feeling like a worthless sack of shit#and that feeling is only heightened by the fact that everyone is going to be invested in it while I fucking crumble for what? the 3rd?#4th year in a row?? god. fucking sucks. I get so in my head with this bullshit every year. but I want to do it#ugh. awful. and I feel worse when people make me things and then I don’t get to send something back#awful gross beast. and now I’m just feeling worse thinking about other things. I’m so overwhelmed#and not a damn person to talk to cus 1. there’s no one to listen and 2. I can’t articulate my feelings! I don’t understand myself!#the only reason I know how to act is because I do research for my fucking characters! I’m my own fucking character!#and I wish someone was there to make me feel special like how I (hypothetically) make my ocs feel!!#ugh. whatever I’m cool and fine and dandy and NOT on the verge of tears and I’m going to eat fucking jellybeans#am I going to have a breakdown every time there’s a Holliday or event? I canNOT be caught feeling like a fucking ball of lint every#valentines day dawg. I can’t be that person. I already did that one time too many ok#how’s it feel to have people enjoy talking to you? cus I’m either too much or not enough for people
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me planning on giffing jongho and then things take a turn
#tw crying#lmao#tw negativity#im crying in bed bc i feel so worthless AND im being quiet bc my roommate is here and talking to me and im somehow managing that#like what if i dropped out on god#women in stem? no#like fuck me fr 🫶#apple lady words#this one class is taught by the shittiest adjuncts known to man . theyre doctors not professors#they cannot teach for shit#my capstone project is like. making a thing for a company. how am i supposed to do that#im just so dumb! lmao#stupid woman in stem#plus other classes im dealing with just bc my life needs that extra spice#oh and your favorite dude has a severe knee injury and every time you think about him u wanna cry#i love life so much
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