#God wants to save ALL not just the non-queer
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one of these days i'm going to write up all that i've changed from azzarello's bullshit era and the one (1) piece i've kept from milligan (and also changed) and the only thing currently stopping me is that it is going to be so, so inside-baseball incomprehensible. and i almost never want to go reading/screencapping azzarello and milligan to add references but i Want to add references.
canon is goop, just know that we continue to ride the bus down "hellblazer ended at #250 and looks like swiss cheese before that" street.
#( ooc. ) OUT OF CIGS.#i'm doing page maintenance before i fuck off to work rip it's got me thinking#anyway i think i said WAY back on this blog that a side goal of mine is to make hellblazer lore accessible to non-comic readers where i can#bc it's such a Heavy comic & i love it so much & i always felt Terrible recommending it to people only for them to be disgusted#and like. @ past me that particular goal is NOT as easy as you thought it would be lmao#esp because i have a habit of getting VERY detail-oriented when it comes to talking about hellblazer i think#but by GOD it's still a goal. i can put in some motherfucking references here and there when i talk about The Lore#like. azzarello's writing style never translates well for me in synopsis bc he Loves to put the audience in the outside perspective#where we are bystanders/with the rest of the bystanders to constantine's actions and not to his motivations/inner monologue#and i HATE that. hellblazer has ALWAYS been about what this guy has going on underneath the masked exterior#all the things you can't say out loud when you're queer and working class trying to survive in 70s-80s-90s england#but that you FEEL with your WHOLE fucking chest. how that feeling drives you to enjoy little rebellions wherever you can get them#(also azzarello just fucking Sucks LMAO but i'm talking style rn)#so i end up relying on frusin's art to tell the story a little more bc i think he understands the Theatre of constantine's public persona#and when that theatre is Absent then it's really REALLY noticeable. so frusin keeps me in it most of the time#and if i'm digging into frusin art then i'm Going to want to compare it to older panels bc i like body language consistency#milligan on the other hand has NOTHING to save his sorry ass bc his writing is drop-jaw fucking terrible AND the artist seems to like it#but the loss of john's thumb being tied to his mental health (ignoring the bullshit with shade) has always felt. important to me somehow id#anyway MUCH thinking about my favorite loser on this about-to-be-annoying day shdjksd he has been done so dirty#hellblazer brain go brrrr
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War is Over
Pairing : Reader x Daniel Ricciardo x Max Verstappen | Poly fem!reader
Warnings : use of y/n, smau, polyamory, queer drivers, reader is around 30
Synopsis : You’re just a mechanic at RedBull, not much more to say. Nothing in your contract says you can’t be friends with drivers, right ? The little lines very clearly says you’re not allowed to show it all though. When your chosen “family” fails you, all you can do is hope your loved ones save themselves too.
Moth’s prophecy💡: Hi cryptids, honestly I have no excuses to give, sorry for the randomness of it all, I just needed to get this out to process with the pain of loosing Daniel. I can only hope he finds happiness away from the shit show that RedBull is becoming. Probably going back to hibernation, see ya !
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yourusername : How it started / how it’s going (swipe for my face when I’m not covered in grease). Hello to everyone new here, I’m Y/N, Chief Engine Power Conformity Mechanician at redbullracing ! Based in the never-sunny town of Milton Keynes, but you might see me around the paddock at most races to make sure no one explodes ✌🏻
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F1mech little miss mini boss 🫡
yourusername be glad to have me around to do the dirty work
F1mech Yes ma’am very grateful ma’am 🫡
redbullracing Your work is so crucial and we are happy the world gets to know you more !
redbullracing Also it was sunny last we came to MK ???
yourusername nobody tell admin we take out the fake blue sky windows when he comes by
user1 lmao I live in Milton Keynes and can attest we haven’t seen the sun in weeeeks
user2 never wanted to be a redbull neon sign so bad
user3 I can see why they hide her in the shithole that is Milton Keynes, the whole paddock would go crazy over her
user4 she would make such a cute wag omg !!
user5 bet every girlie is on their man’s back whenever she’s around
user6 she works for RB soooo… d’you think her and checo…? 😳
user7 she already has someone guys !! Though we have never seen his face, but I think she’s more interested in the cars than the ones inside them
user6 checo is married and still it doesn’t stop him lmao
user8 are you part of the pit crew ?? Never seen you before ! /g
yourusername I’m not !! I mainly work on the cars before and after the races and practices to make sure everything is in place, not faulty, and compliant to both Redbull’s and the FIA’s standards of security 🤗 but 60/70% of my work is at the factory, and the paddock parts happens behind close doors, so no worries
maxverstappen1 she makes sure nobody dies
yourusername and god knows y’all make it hard sometimes
danielricciardo yeah this second pic is so much better
yourusername oh don’t start me boy
danielricciardo hihihi 🤭
user9 hello Daniel ???
user10 How can I work at Redbull too pls I beg you I’ll even make coffee and mop the floors
yourusername check our offers on the website honey !! Most jobs require some experience or diploma but we also offer internships and graduate programs if you want to make your way in
user10 thank u 🥹
user10 that’s how you got in ?
yourusername nope, I’ve worked on cars forever and in motorsports for years before getting to F1, but we have plenty of opportunities in non-technical fields too!
user11 pretty, kind, works in f1, not single, lemme just Google how to be like you
user12 you okay dude ? Throat not hurting too much from gagging on her dick
user13 lmaoooo yeah seeing her looks that’s probably a daddy’s girl who got put in exec and pretends to know what she’s talking about
user14 wouldn’t be shocked if her “work behind closed doors” is ordering actual mechs around like minions
danielricciardo is your little ego so hurt by the fact that you’ll never be talented enough to get to her place that you’ve resorted to running your shitty mouth online ? Breath getting stinky mate, careful 🤢
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yourusername : Everything’s twice as fun with you
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user15 lover boy lover boy lover boy !
user16 I’m more excited for the face reveal than for my best friend’s wedding
user17 pls get checked wtf
user18 wait isn’t he blonde ? who’s the dark haired one in some pics ? With tattoos ?
user19 you might be new but Y/N always post pics of lover boy randomly, so some pics are old, and he often dyes his hair !
user18 wow damn I need his hairdresser coz this is cleaaaaan
yourbff don’t tell me you let him touch your car
yourusername lmaooo never 💀 tried to teach him to change some parts on his
yourbff and…?
yourusername ended up doing it…
yourbff at least he’s cute !!
yourusername Hey ! That must counts for something !
user20 not them bullying him coz he either doesn’t have socials or is not allowed to answer
yourbff what ? us ?
yourusername Never 😇
user21 oh damn she bagged herself a hottie
user22 HE bagged himself a hottie have you seen her ??
user23 couple goals and we ain’t ever seen his face like
user24 ain’t no need for a face with a body like this
user25 kinda looks like Max on the 6th slide no ??
user26 lmao as if
user27 the man can bag any celebrity doubt he cares for a factory girl
user28 the pic with the RB can lol
yourusername trained him well 😇
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user29 replied to the story :
oh yeah I keep forgetting y’all old money rich rich
user30 replied to the story :
so we all forgetting about Horner’s accusation ?? Truly just RB’s bitch in the end
user31 replied to the story :
Is that y/n ?? Didn’t know the mechs were invited to those events
danielricciardo replied to the story :
man I do take amazing pics when the models look so good
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yourusername : vitamin sea 🌊⛱️🐚 Australia, you never disappoint
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oscarpiastri wish we could have hung out more 🥺
yourusername we hung out at your house bby!!
user32 BBY ?? SOMEONE CALL LILY COZ THIS BITCH IS OVERSTEPPING
oscarpiastri we didn’t hang out you repaired my mom’s car while Lily and I were drinking WARM BEERS ON THE FLOOR
yourusername SORRY YOU CAN’T APPRECIATE MY CRAFT LIKE YOUR MOTHER DOES also hi to lils 💕🌸🎀
oscarpiastri DON’T BRING MY MOM INTO THIS she said she misses u 🤗💕✨
user32 oh
yourusername yeah
oscarpiastri yeah
nicolepiastri yeah
yourbff you need to turn off work like for reeeaaaal
yourusername how can I when those two are literally glued to my hip
danielricciardo shocked sad disappointed
maxverstappen1 Lover boy will hear about this
yourusername Are those threats ? Remember I literally have power over your life
danielricciardo not mine anymore lol Lover boy WILL HEAR about this
user33 oh so that definitely erases the possibility of Max or Daniel being Lover Boy
user34 as if there had ever been any evidence of that
user35 Lover boy in the Redbull cap ??
yourusername Yep ! Max gave it to him
user35 daaaaamn he is ripped
yourusername hihi 🤭
user36 no one questioning why the fuck is a mechanician hanging so much with drivers ??
user37 *chief mechanician
F1mech oh shit buddy thank you, we weren’t aware we couldn’t be friends with people we spend more than half of the year on the road with
maxverstappen1 cancel your ticket rn mate, you can’t vacation with us
F1mech come on user36, see what you’ve done ?? Maybe if you hadn’t questioned it I could have gone, fucker
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user38 has replied to your story :
Not you posting this straight after the checo announcement 💀
yourbff has replied to your story :
just saw the news, is Danny ok ?? Pls call me
maxverstappen1 has replied to your story :
Booked you a table at San Marco at 8, sorry I can’t be there tonight…
it’s okay, I know how it is, I just don’t want him to be alone… thx for the restaurant 💕
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user39 has replied to your story :
omg same
user40 has replied to your story :
IS THAT DANIEL ???
user41 has replied to your story :
the tattoos ??? girl we knoooow
redbullracing has replied to your story :
y/n ?
yup yup yup sorry
This story has been deleted.
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user41 has replied to your story :
lmao miss thing is piiiissed
yukitsunoda0511 has replied to your story :
i can’t find my controller d’you have one more ? 🥺
yes bby just come before your food gets cold
user42 has replied to your story :
She supports Max’s rights but mostly Max’s wrongs
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user43 has replied to your story :
preeeaach 🙌🏻
user44 has replied to your story :
all redbull employees protesting the FIA has me going !! Tell Horner to open his mouth too for once
danielricciardo has replied to your story :
I want this pic as my new lockscreen
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danielricciardo : l've loved this sport my whole life. It's wild and wonderful and been a journey. To the teams and individuals that have played their part, thank you. To the fans who love the sport sometimes more than me haha thank you. It'll always have its highs and lows but it's been fun and truth be told I wouldn't change it.
Until the next adventure.
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redbullracing 🫶🏻
user45 SHUT UP
user46 the audacity
user47 you promised you would treat him better !!
user48 Daniel > Perez
user49 DTS fan
lewishamilton legend 🫂
user50 game recognize game
user51 tell Mercedes to give him a seat
maxverstappen1 Head up ! Many more beautiful moments to come, somewhere you’ll be recognized and appreciated 💪🏻 our time together isn’t over, but I’m glad for all the racing, the laughs, the nights, for you ❤️
user52 wow hm Max no need to make all of us cry
user53 I feel like I’ve just walked in on something very personal…
user54 maxiel 😭😭😭
user55 he was the best mate you ever had, never should have left RedBull
yourusername Working with you was an honor, but getting to know and appreciate you made my whole life brighter, and I can’t thank you enough for this 🌞 no contracts can bring us apart, see you around honey bee 💛
user56 the little dig at RB’s contracts lmao
user57 why does honey bee feel much more intimate than honey badger ??
user58 we haven’t seen this level of emotion for De Vries, yet you were already working for the “RedBull family” if I’m not mistaken ??
user59 maybe because no one gives two shits about De Vries ??
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yourusername : Well, there it is. After 15 years of working on cars, the last 10 in motorsports, last five in Formula 1, it’s time for me to take a break. It was just perfect to finish it off in my hometown Austin, and I’m so grateful to my friends and family who made the trip to celebrate together. I remember my first week at Milton Keynes, my whole life in a suitcase. Abu Dhabi 2021, and those stories we’ll keep for our old days. I was so proud to be part of this, the champagne, the fireworks, the love. The day Daniel came back to us. The people I’ve met, the opportunities I’ve had, none would have been possible without you, ‘Bull. It’s been oh so amazing, but oh so tiring. I’ve reached a point in my life where I need my environment to be aligned with what I want, my values and the people I love and care for. So it’s goodbye.
F1, thank you for everything. I’ll miss you, but I gotta go. 💙
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F1mech I solemnly swear to not make anything explode, to always triple check my laces, to never pick Yoshi in Mario Kart because it’s yours, and to forever keep you close to my heart. Thx mini boss, you were amazing 🫡
yourusername Thanks Callum, you’re gonna make me cry now…
user60 US TOO 😭
user61 naaaaah another one leaving RedBull, shit is really going down
user62 where do you think she’s going ? Aston ?
user63 or Ferrari
yourusername Sorry to disappoint but neither ! It’s really a full break, for a while at least, I need to get my head out of the oil and machinery
user64 leaving England then ?? What about lover boy ??
yourusername Lover boy was never British eheh, who told you that ? 🤭
user65 if Lover boy is confirmed to be Daniel I’ll loose my shit
user66 I will always root for Max though…
user67 he has tattoos omg it’s never been Max !!
redbullracing Now it’s pretty sure MK will never see the sun again with you gone 😭
user68 we still hate you
user69 fuck off
yukitsunoda0511 🥺🫶🏻
yourusername 😚🫴🏻💕
yourbff it’ll be hard, but it’ll be good
yourusername thankfully i won’t be alone
yourbff not long to wait
yourusername yeah, soon soon
user70 ???
user71 I have a headache just thinking about everything the soon soon could be about
user72 really doubt Max is staying much longer in RedBull seeing how many engineers are quitting
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user73 has replied to your story :
no yeah we get it this looks much better than the factory lmao
user74 has replied to your story :
Honey bee ?? I’ve heard that one before
oscarpiastri has replied to your story :
Mom said you haven’t gone to see her yet ! Meanie !
user75 has replied to your story :
crazy how Max starts winning again since you’re gone
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F1 : BREAKING : Max Verstappen has announced his retirement after winning his 4th World’s Drivers Championship.
Record breaker.
Late braker.
Legend.
#ThankYouMax
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user76 WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK
user77 when I tell you I fell to my knees
user78 screaming crying throwing up
user79 I refuse to believe this is true
user80 what the hell was this season
user81 DTS is gonna have a field day with this one
user80 doubt 10 episodes are gonna be enough
redbullracing There aren’t enough words to describe the impact you’ve had on our history, Max. You’ll forever be a pillar of the RedBull family, and an icon of the sport. Tudududu 🧡
lewishamilton Thank you for the challenges, you’ve always pushed us to go harder. Never thought I would have to see you leave, but we’ll keep your legacy running 👑
user82 Alonso when ???
user83 Who’s gonna take his seat ? Honey badger comeback ?
user84 doubt it, he said in the only interview he gave that he had some friends to go see a few continents away, bet he was talking bout Danny
user85 April Fools ?
user86 In December ??
user87 I really don’t understand why, everything was going much better with the car lately
user88 I think he’s just done with the sport, he said multiple time he wouldn’t force it if he didn’t feel like it anymore
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user89 has replied to your story :
wait, if that’s lover boy, who’s the guy you were with lately ??
user90 has replied to your story :
Sydney airport !!
user91 has replied to your story :
OMG I KNEW I SAW MAX IN SYDNEY THIS MORNING WTF I RECOGNIZE HIM
yourbff has replied to your story :
you did it bby, it’s time to rest now
ily, we will 💕
user92 has replied to your story :
The timing with Max quitting RB is so odd I’m seriously questioning my sanity rn
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yourusername, danielricciardo, maxverstappen1 : War is Over.
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danielricciardo : From sneaking out of restaurants to barricading the doors of our shared hotel rooms, I wish I could have told the world earlier how much I love you. But I’m glad I can now. There’s something magical about finding the one, so when you find the two, you’ll make any radical change necessary to protect them. Think you were right Maxie, the farm life does suit us.
This was the Honey Badger, peace ✌🏻
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[Instagram] maxverstappen1 just posted a photo
maxverstappen1 : Turning off comments coz those two are mine and you can only admire them from afar. I know they’re pretty. They’re mine. And I’ll say it as many times as I want now. Mine mine mine mine mine
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yourusername : Oh, I’m sorry, did I say Lover Boy ? I meant Boys 🤭
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user93 WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK
user94 mother is finally letting us out of the cage and none of us can take it
user95 the first pic
user96 I could die
user97 who the fuck even took it
user98 she said “y’all won’t let me post their faces ? I’ll give you the whole sextape”
user99 I knew it I fucking knew it Maxiel nation we won
oscarpiastri so happy for you guys, go be free with the little goats 🥹
yourusername pls try to survive
maxverstappen1 and if RB tries to buy you RUN BACK HOME
user100 oh shit it’s time for no filter Max era
yourusername you’ve had a taste this year, be prepared for the real deal
yukitsunoda0511 finally i can stop pretending to not speak English when asked about you
danielricciardo you were pretending very well if I may say
yukitsunoda0511 thanks !
user101 oh yuki sweet summer child…
user102 don’t tell me in Japan already ??
yourusername you really took a good look at this pic and thought “yeah, those two are straight” ? It’s a you issue honestly
user102 yeah okay fair
user103 7th pic ???
maxverstappen1 Abu Dhabi ‘21
maxverstappen1 tasted better than champagne tbh
user104 oh so y’all are just leaking EVERYTHING now, no fucks given
danielricciardo I had to pay a lot for those pics to not get out back then so yeah kinda
danielricciardo which is a shame when we look so good
user105 sooooo… about the high performance athlete….?
maxverstappen1 yes.
yourusername yes.
danielricciardo 💕
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[Twitter] danyfanclub just posted
#doomedmoth#fanfic#rpf#f1 fanfic#f1 imagine#f1 x reader#formula 1#formula 1 rpf#f1 smau#y/n#daniel ricciardo#daniel ricciardo smau#daniel ricciardo x y/n#daniel riccardo x reader#max verstappen#max verstappen smau#max verstappen x y/n#max verstappen x reader#maxiel#Daniel ricciardo x max verstappen#dl3#mv1#mv33#fake social media#f1 polyamory#poly!f1#Daniel ricciardo x max verstappen x reader#dl3 x mv1#dl3 x mv1 x reader#driver x reader x driver
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it’s my two year Steddie-versary today?!!!
(which means I’m gonna ramble emotionally for a little bit)💛
I’m not really sure how to fully describe the last two years of my life and my involvement in the steddie fandom, but I’ll try!
I remember watching season four of ST and really liking Eddie, thinking he was so cool. I’d always liked Steve, but putting them together was a whole different story. And then I recall seeing fanart, finding a couple fics here and there.
I wasn’t aware how deep I’d gotten until I was drafting a fic of my own, eager to join the fun any way that I could. It had been years since I’d written anything of my own, but I was lonely and bored enough to try.
I drafted my first fic “All Through The Night” for a month.
I wrote it. Rewrote it. Edited it. Doubted whether it should stay in the drafts. Finally, I just hit post.
From there, it kept going. I’d write a few non-omegaverse fics based on TikTok prompts. Then, I’d end up delving into the omegaverse trope in a way I never had before.
I started to remember how much I enjoyed writing and I found a community that was kind to me. I made friends in the AO3 comments of all places!
It was a few months before I joined ST twitter in December of 2022, but I was encouraged to hang out and make more friends.
(I don’t need to rehash the bad parts of my experience because I think we’re all pretty aware of what happened. But I don’t want those things to define me or spoil all the good that’s come from this fandom either. Bullies don’t get to take this from me.
I wasn’t super active on Tumblr prior to my Twitter leave because I didn’t really understand the app😅 we figured it out eventually and I am so grateful to have been welcomed here when I was feeling so low.)
I figured out a lot about myself in this fandom! I identified as a cis, bi-questioning woman when I started writing!! That’s insane to me now!
But I found a place to explore and meet other queer people and ask questions that I would’ve never asked!
I was leading worship at a mega church when I posted my first fic. I was freshly separated from my ex-husband and still hurting immensely. I was working through a pandemic as a nurse and hating my life. I didn’t have much that brought me joy anymore.
This silly gay ship probably saved my life…
And I know I’ve been semi-MIA as far as posting to AO3 the last several months, but I have no intentions of leaving this fandom anytime soon. I will not abandon my fics or disappear. I just need a little bit of a break because I burnt myself out on writing for a year and a half!
God this post went way too long. Oops.
Okay! In summary! Today is my two year Steddie-versary and I love you all!!! I’m grateful for the friends I’ve made and the support I’ve had to share my stories.
(also tbh I cannot believe I tricked this many of you into reading mpreg)
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WIBTA if I start giving some very *very* Christian family members religious pamphlets from non-Christian religions as gifts?
To be clear, I am writing this while firmly believing I'm NTA but I am angry and don't trust my own judgment too much right now.
Background and Players: My Son (19) was adopted out as a baby by his incubator behind (my husband, 40) his father's back. He was abandoned at 4 by his adopted family because of behavioral issues related to what his incubator was putting into her body while she was pregnant with him, and went into foster care with people I will call Amom and Adad. Adad is a pastor in his 90s and Amom is a pastor's wife in her 80s. When Son was 13 and I had been with Husband for 5ish years, we had been told (by someone from his incubator's family but we didn't know that at the time) he was non-verbal and "mentally an infant" and that trying to pull him out of the routine he had would just be incredibly harmful to him, so we had given up hope of finding him and having a relationship with him. We got a phone call one day, a worker who was looking for a medical history for Son. Husband spent close to 3 hours on the phone with her, answering questions and asking anything he could squeeze in. Turns out, we had been lied to about his mental health just... completely. He's impossible to shut up and he graduated high school last year despite, you know, *gestures vaguely at everything* and I am incredibly proud of him. Half an hour after that call ended, she called back and told us Son might be interested in meeting us, was it okay for her to pass on our contact info. A month later, Son, Amom, Adad, Husband and I were sitting in a restaurant together and a month after that we went to their place for a week to spend Christmas with them. This is when they informed us that they had finalized his legal adoption a couple of weeks earlier. 2 years after that, my QPP moved in with us, and another year later 16 year old Son asked if he could move in with us. He still does.
The Issue: Son wants a continuing relationship with Amom and Adad, but due to the previously mentioned substances used by his incubator, he has memory and time management issues so I have to regularly remind him to contact them. I have no problem doing this, but the contact we have had with them over the last few years has soured me on their company. I've got no problem reminding Son to contact them and organizing rides for him to visit (usually QPP and I driving him, the trip is a couple of hours each way) but I'd rather never speak to them myself if it can be avoided. It didn't start out this way, but over the years they have made it very clear that they don't respect anyone else's beliefs. Not just us, like there was one night where they were going off about some Danish surgeon saying publicly that he was Muslim first, Danish second, and they were trying to convince us to be terrified by that. The conversation ended awkwardly when Husband asked if Adad was Nationality or Christian first (because that's different you see). We have found books on the bookshelves in the guest room about how any kind of queerness at all is demonic possession, one of which they wrote. They talk about things like being sent on a mission by their god to save as many (and I hate that these are quotes) "brown heathen children" by making them Christians as possible (Son and his adopted siblings are all First Nations, Amom and Adad are as white as I am), or how Jewish people are evil for stopping Christians from claiming their suffering because "Jesus was a Jew so aren't all Christians also Jews?". Amom once spent a week trying to convince me to go to church with her and share the details of my childhood sexual abuse with the entire congregation because "it will show God you are ready to be forgiven". QPP is a shintoist and after they found that out, we started seeing more literature about the Japanese, specifically during WWII, around their house when we visited.
We have politely made it clear that we are not interested in Christianity, especially not their version. Multiple times. We thought it was finally over after Son had a meltdown at them at his graduation ceremony because he wanted JUST ONE conversation with them that wasn't about Jesus. He was in tears trying to explain that to them, and their response was to tell him he needed to come back to church so they could lay on hands and chase all the demons making him say these horrible disrespectful things to them out of him. He was supposed to stay with them for a few days to visit after that, but by the time I tracked him down and got him calm, he didn't want to go anymore. They seemed to stop after that, like they actually backed off and I think I got maybe 2 emails that didn't mention God or Jesus, not even a "God bless" in the sign off. We were optimistic. Son was late organizing it but we dropped him off (at his request, he's worried that Adad won't make it to next Christmas and wanted to see him) at their place on Boxing Day. We did not hang around, we did not send gifts, we didn't even reply to the Family Christmas Email (it had a video of a Jordan B Peterson rant embedded in it and I've told them before that we are not interested in anything that sack of hateful arrogance has to say please stop putting him in my inbox). We have done everything we can to make it clear that we do not want a relationship with them for ourselves, including outright directly telling them politely to their faces that we will not stop Son from seeing them but we don't feel comfortable around them and don't want a relationship with them for ourselves. Son came back with "gifts" from them - a study guide for a specific Bible book (I got John, Husband got Michael, QPP set his on fire before we saw who it was) and a bag of candy that looked like it came out of a thrift store (I got the same one they always get me, which I laughed off the first and second and third time and explained I couldn't stand them because my abuser used to give me one when he was done. Husband is diabetic and got York Patties. QPP actually got something decent though, $20 for gas).
I have managed to keep my "I'd rather you hadn't bothered actually" rantingvto Tumblr, which i don't think they even know exists, but I'm still pissed about the Bible crap as "gifts". I am considering changing tactics completely and being super friendly, mirroring their energy, and giving them the same treatment they've given us. I want to make excuses to visit so I can explain the finer points of shintoism and Celtic paganism in every single conversation. I want to give them books for gifts, books like The Tao of Pooh and The Gospel of The Flying Spaghetti Monster. I want to wrap cash in pamphlets about The Invisible Pink Unicorn and leave it on their fridge.
QPP and husband think I should give myself more time to calm down and just keep ignoring it and playing nice when I'm forced to play at all but like, IT'S BEEN 6 YEARS.
What are these acronyms?
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Went to reread supersons comics and oh my GOD jon definitely has a crush on damian cause what the f*ck was all that about
Headcanon that Damian is totally Jon's bi awakening
I also sometimes like to think Damian is Jon’s subconscious bi awakening, but moreso, I want Damian to be Jon’s PARENTS queer awakening.
Jon rants about how Damian saved the day for like three hours some evening, and after he goes to bed, Clark is like ‘wow, I didn’t realize his friendship with Damian was so strong.’
To which Lois just non-chalantly says something like ‘yeah never heard someone talk about someone else like that and just be platonic besties.’
And then they just sit there for a second.
Then Lois gasps and covers her mouth to hold in her excited scream. Clark immediately is like ‘oh god Bruce is gonna kill my son for crushing on his son.’
#jonathan kent#jondami#lois lane#clark kent#there’s a fanart i have in mind but im on mobile and dont have time to look for it#asks#anon
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Ah, I remembered!
My question was: what are your thoughts on Crowley saying ‘I lost my best friend’ when he’s directly talking to Aziraphale’s non-corporate ghost in season 1? I always thought that line was strange. Is it that he can’t say ‘I lost you directly’ because others might be listening?
Hi @procrastiel ooh, nice! I *love* this scene so I'm super happy to share an opinion on it. Thank you. :)
Meta on the meanings behind what they call each other, what they intentionally *don't* call each other, how they actually said they loved each other and came up with a shorthand for it in 1941, and why they still don't just use those damn words already...
This goes everywhere, just FYI lol. I think I started with "no nightingales" and took a scenic route through 1600, 1941 and bits of S2 before coming back to the scene you asked about but I've been told it makes sense. Thanks for indulging me. :)
There are certain things that Crowley & Aziraphale feel that they can't call one another and can't say to one another directly. It's not just because they could be overheard if they're in public, though that's always a concern. They don't say them when they're alone, either.
It's because it hurts too much.
They've always tried to be optimistic about surviving Armageddon and being able to be together somehow but they're terrified that they won't and the odds, in their minds, aren't great, being that it's the whole will of God and all. As a result, they've lived their whole relationship expecting it to end in tragedy. They could both live for all of time, forced apart by Heaven and Hell. One of them could die and leave the other alone for eternity with nothing but the memory of the other. Meanwhile, in the now? It's not a great situation, either.
They can't really be together. They are together but not openly and they can't promise each other everything and they absolutely would if they could. Heaven and Hell could literally murder them if they got caught together so they have to be careful and keep it a secret. This means that even as the human world they live in opens up and starts to change to a point that queer humans like them are living more open lives with one another, Crowley and Aziraphale still cannot at this stage in the story.
So, it all becomes then an unspoken question of: what would make this easier? (As if it could ever really be made easier?) They don't wish to cause each other any additional pain. What would make it easier, they think, is if they don't say certain things so that what they can't have now or what might be lost to them in the future is and will be easier to bear.
This is delusional but they're doing it anyway because it gives them some measure of control over things they can't totally control.
They think it is easier to deal with not being able to be together if they just never say directly aloud what they are in terms that are surface-level undeniable. They speak in a coded language with one another and they say all the things in those words. But the doublespeak gives them some cover. Not to ever deny any of it but it softens the edges of it.
It's also because they live with the fact that they can't fully be together but they also both are fundamentally optimists and want to think that maybe, someday, they could find a way to have what they want to have with one another. That's also why they don't say the things fully. A part of them thinks that if they just don't right now and they wait until some time comes when it seems like they could have a life together, then they still get to have those moments. They're almost saving some of it for a life they hope they get to have but aren't sure if they will.
As a result, they are romantic as all fuck towards one another but they don't use words like romance or love aloud. If they do find they have to talk about it, they've shorthanded it in a way that they both understand because it's based on their past together. We already can see bits of it uncoded-- nightingales, dining at the Ritz-- but there are more than that that we can see if we deep dive a bit here so let's do that...
What's evident in the scene in 2.06 wherein Crowley decides to try to abandon the doublespeak is how deeply ingrained this way of speaking is for both of them. Also, how they don't abandon it when they're alone (the 1967 scene also illustrates this.) Crowley actually reverts back to their doublespeak *three sentences* into his proposal. He doesn't get much further than establishing that they've both been on this planet for a long time before he starts evoking coded messaging. He flicks his hands between them during the "you and me" line in a way that is echoing how Aziraphale gestured at him to mean "couple" in 1941. He winds up using coded language all over the place, peaking with the "no nightingales" moment that is actually coded language twice over because of "nightingales" being their word for romance and the asking Aziraphale to listen for birds evoking the Job minisode and the moment in the courtyard when they came up with the doublespeak.
Part of why Crowley can't get through the proposal without it is because he doesn't want to do it like this. Both the doublespeak and the idea of someday loosening it a bit mean things to them. They like their private language. Maggie and Nina are not exactly correct in assuming that they never say how they really feel. They're not wrong, either, but they're not fully right. Crowley and Aziraphale do talk. They just do it in a way that hurts them less because they can't bear to hurt each other because they're batshit crazy in love with each other. Maggie and Nina are correct in saying that Crowley and Aziraphale don't say how they truly feel if saying how you truly feel means using traditional language but they are wrong to say that they don't express these feelings at all because we have literally been watching them do so this entire time.
Notice how Crowley, even risking more with breaking their code in 2.06, still doesn't say some things. Amazing how he said all of that and he didn't say I love you, isn't it? He could have. He is, in what else he's saying, but the words they don't say are still there on the table. Aziraphale, later in the scene, almost does. He almost does because he is a mess over the situation and he wants to give Crowley something but then he doesn't and he spits out a self-aware I forgive you instead. That horrid, complicated version of it that he's used before and is code they both kind of hate. He's angry that this is all happening the way it's happening because it's taking some of the things they leave unsaid for hopeful, better days and it's saying them in a less than ideal moment.
That they both leave out that I love you, though, is the most I love you thing they could have possibly done.
They think it will be easier to not be free to be together and unafraid in the present-- and to maybe lose one another in the future, if they eventually have to-- if they pretend they're not a team or a group of the two of them and one way to do that is to never say words like the one we were all silently screaming at Crowley to say in that scene in 2.06 lol: "couple."
Are they a couple? Yes. Are they lovers? Yes. Are they partners, the term Nina used? Yes. Do they refer to their relationship using any of the terms in this paragraph? Oh God no...
That is why Crowley freaks out when Nina tries to get him to use uncoded, normal, human person language to help her understand what Crowley and Aziraphale's relationship is. She calls them partners and this is Crowley:
We're in agreement with Nina then when she responds with:
Nina isn't wrong here. She's just from a different world than Crowley. Nina lives in a world like ours in the year 2023 and she's puzzling Crowley and Aziraphale out through that filter. She doesn't know at this point that they are an angel and a demon who could be murdered by Heaven/Hell for being together. Her best rationale for why she's never seen Crowley and Aziraphale in her cafe together and didn't know until this week that the bookseller has a fella is her theory that Crowley is married and that he and Aziraphale are having an affair. To her, it explains why they've got chemistry for days but they're secretive. Crowley denies that-- defending Aziraphale's honor like the good old fashioned lover boy he is :)-- but the reason why he quickly denied that he and Aziraphale are partners, even if they absolutely are, is twofold. They are used to hiding it, it's dangerous for them to get caught out, and he probably feels uncomfortable with the idea of telling someone what they are exactly without talking with Aziraphale about it first-- that's all one reason.
The other reason is that he and Aziraphale don't use that word. It's not that it's an inaccurate one; it's probably the most accurate one, actually. They have a word, as we'll see, but partners isn't it because partners is the same thing as a couple and these are embargoed words to them. They don't use those phrases, even if that's what this is, just as they don't say I love you because if they don't call it love directly, they'll never lose that love, in their minds. If they don't know what it's like to hear the other say it, they don't ever have to bear the pain of never hearing it again. Better to hold those words back and only use them if they ever can somehow really be fully, openly together without fear. If Crowley doesn't use those words with Aziraphale, then he's not about to use them with the Coffee Shop Human he's only just recently met.
Along these same lines, they refrain from traditionally romantic terms of endearment on the surface. No my love, no darling, no sweetheart. Angel was there at the start and it stays because while it's always really angel (romantic), it's also angel (species/occupational), so it works well enough with their code. But its equivalent in reverse is Crowley. It's intimate, in the sense that only Crowley and Aziraphale know what it means. Only they were there in Job's courtyard. That's the coded layer of it-- it's Crowley's name to everyone else on the surface but it's that and a pet name to Aziraphale. It's why Aziraphale just calls him that constantly. Crowley changed his name to something only Aziraphale also really understands, making the use of it by Aziraphale then a way of expressing affection. When Nina asks them both separately about their relationship, both Crowley and Aziraphale actually revert to using what they call one another in an effort to explain it, even though they know that it doesn't translate fully in human terms without more words. Crowley says Aziraphale is an angel he knows; Aziraphale says:
Ironically? They are actually making it all *more* intimate by speaking in their own, private, coded language. They can't give each other everything but this they can, right? The language is their own, little world and not being able to explain their relationship to humans that well in 2023 doesn't mean they don't know what they mean to one another, which is more important. Since they can't make each other promises of forever that they can't keep and they can't have a life in the present that they'd choose for themselves, something they can do is use their little language to be sweet towards one another and they do. By having to work a little harder at conveying meaning through doublespeak, they wind up with something ironically actually at least as romantic as the traditional words, if not more so.
Anyone can call a lover darling and it can be lovely but can just anyone make my dear fellow romantic? Aziraphale can. This one was all him. He loved standing there in front of a dozen deadly human soldiers in the Kingdom of Wessex in 597 A.D., getting away with a pet name under the guise of stealing the "old sport"-style of male, moneyed, British speak and turning it romantic. This scene is great with the pet names because it opens with Aziraphale being a bit of a tease with "is that you under there, Crawley?" which he only does so that Crowley will roll his eyes and correct him. Aziraphale loves that Crowley changed his name to something coded between them based off of the moment they started their doublespeak. It was very romantic and this scene shows that Aziraphale sometimes, in earlier days, would call Crowley the old name just to get Crowley to correct him, which is all just a coded way of getting Crowley to say that, yes, he still feels the same way and yes, he still wants Aziraphale to call him that. This same scene, a few sentences later, then has Aziraphale's my DEAR fellow-- heavy emphasis on the 'dear'-- which is then answering Crowley's admission by just skipping any and all of Crowley's names entirely lol and calling The Black Knight my dear in front of a bunch of bloodthirsty soldiers and mercenaries.
The my [] fellow is perfect in their little language because of how it sounds all "I say, old chap!" on the surface but contains words that are romantic to them in their doublespeak. It's intentional that it's *not* "old chap" or "old sport" that they appropriated for their own purposes, it's my [] fellow. Fellow as in human, which is how they see their relationship (because it is) and that's something that comes up when Crowley uses a variant of this in 1941, which we'll get to in a second. My adds an intimate element to it of admitting that they are each other's in whatever ways they can be.
Aziraphale, like we said a moment ago, will sometimes sauce Crowley with the pet names a little and he does in S1 when he calls Anathema my dear when reassuring her in a scene in which he and Crowley are having a playful coded argument over Crowley's driving. Aziraphale miracles a bike rack onto the back of The Bentley and unnecessarily codes the word "bicycle" ("a perfectly normal velocipede"), smirking when Crowley grumbles "bicycle" at him. It's joking with him a bit at the lunacy of their little language *in* their little language. (Crowley playing back during this sequence is also calling Aziraphale angel (romantic) in front of Anathema, which was also a strategic decision to signal to her that he might look like a murder hornet but he's really just long-suffering gone on the sunshine-y one. Very we're just an old gay married couple, hen. We won't hurt you. in tone.) Anyway, Aziraphale using my dear with Anathema-- and his little smirks towards Crowley around it-- was really just underlining the way he uses my DEAR fellow with Crowley by using the same core phrase with a human in normal, uncoded, human conversation.
Other than this and the big one we're going to get to, there are really only two other things we've seen them use to refer to one another. In S1's Eleven Years Ago/2008, there's the moment when Crowley and Aziraphale have arrived back at the bookshop and Aziraphale is flirting with Crowley and says this, tongue firmly in cheek:
I mentioned this in another post about the wall slam in Tadfield but this is a very much intentionally blasphemous specific sexual request that is more at home in the sex meta post you all have me working on lol but for the purposes of this conversation, "foul fiend" is Bible for "wicked demon", so this is Aziraphale just kind of flirtily, jokingly calling Crowley a wicked demon in the one area in life where Crowley would probably happily own that description lol. It also has the other layer of humor in it in that Crowley calls Aziraphale angel (romantic) all the time, more often than he uses Aziraphale's actual name, and you'd think he wouldn't want to because Heaven hasn't exactly done right by Crowley and he's not especially fond of it. By calling Aziraphale angel with love behind the meaning of it, he's calling Aziraphale a good angel. He's saying that Aziraphale is what an angel is *supposed*to be, something that Aziraphale struggles with. It's both sweet and reassuring at the same time. As a result, Aziraphale has never just started calling Crowley "demon" for the same reasons-- he thinks if being a demon is being demonic and truly evil, then Crowley is a terrible demon because he's a lovely person. He is, however, positively wicked in bed, and Aziraphale likes to mock their whole situation with blasphemous Bible innuendo when requesting a little hellfire.
The other thing to briefly mention before we get into the friend discussion is a scene not long after the one we just talked about, when they're both smashed in the bookshop in S1. When he's drunk and attempting to say "bouillabaisse", Crowley gets distracted staring at Aziraphale for a moment and calls him baby before going back to his attempts at saying a word (in French, their romance language, per S2) and we get the "fish stew-- anyway!" segue back into the rest of the scene. Aziraphale was too drunk to notice enough to react so this opens up the question of whether or not the rules can get slightly more lax in bed. Does Crowley call Aziraphale baby in more intimate moments or does he just want to and it slipped out when he was drunk? It's a fairly normal phrase so it both would and would not be a surprise either way but it's still something of a question mark by the end of S2.
But there's one thing that they use that pertains to your question from the Discorporated!Aziraphale scene (told you we'd start to get here eventually lol) and that's how they use the word friend.
The rules of their language apply-- what is said on the surface is what one of the meanings of what they are saying is. It has to be what it sounds like on the surface to also be a coded thing. Aziraphale is Aziraphale's name and angel is what he is and Crowley is the name Crowley chose for himself. That angel and Crowley have hidden meanings-- that angel is given a tone that turns it from referring to Aziraphale by his species and more into angel (romantic); that Crowley is the name everyone calls Crowley now-- from angels to demons to humans alike-- but only Aziraphale knows that it's an in-joke referencing Crowley having to playact at being demonic and evil to hide his truer, sweeter nature... this is what makes these terms acceptable in their mutual language. My [] fellow is then also meeting the rules of the language because of the humor of taking a non-romantic phrase and using it for this romance of theirs that they don't refer to as one. It sounds like a perfect common thing for British men of any kind of relationship to use in conversation on the surface but it's romantic to them underneath.
So when they say friend, by their own rules of this language, it has to first contain the surface meaning. It has to be true on that level to reoccur in their language. So 'friend' does mean 'friend' in a friendship sense. They are friends. They are good friends-- best friends. Using the word is an admittance that they are each other's closest friends, which is both lovely in its own right and healthy in a romantic relationship. You want to be friends with your romantic partner. It doesn't mean you can't have other friends, of course, but if you're not friends with your partner, it's not really going to be a terribly satisfying relationship and since that is what they are-- the longest-running of long-term relationships lol-- that they are friends is important and a good thing. It's also a big deal for them to admit to it, since they are actually *supposed* to be mortal enemies. Their whole enemies-to-lovers thing never really got off the ground because they adored each other on sight but that they're friends despite the danger and the conflicts is a big thing in its own right.
But that's not the *only* meaning of friend to them, so let's look at how they evolved that bit of their language.
From what we've seen so far, it started in 1600 in The Globe Theatre scene with this:
In 1600, Burbage drops some human, queer coding into the secret language. Friend, the way Burbage is using it, is something that's actually implying lover. The surface word is technically related to friendship but the tone changes the meaning of friendship in this context to be that of a sexual relationship. Burbage's tone implies that he thinks Crowley and Aziraphale are fucking (which Crowley, laughing, silently agrees with is obvious, since he's been ignoring Burbage in favor of buzzing around Aziraphale and clearly trying to flirt his way into his bed).
Burbage is pissed that these two-- who, as we know, are basically the entire audience-- have been ignoring his monologue in favor of flirting with each other so when Aziraphale tries at a modicum of politeness (that somehow is even bitchier subtly than Burbage lol-- "I love all the... talking" is the best he can come up with), Burbage slings back by trying to drag Crowley into it by calling him Aziraphale's friend, with that loaded tone that makes the question really: 'and what does your lover think?'
Aziraphale gets the innuendo-- he's not exactly a novice at this in 1600-- but his immediate response is just to panic at the idea of anyone noticing him and Crowley together and, as Aziraphale does when stressed, he lies in increasingly absurd levels of untruth. (See also: the scene with Shax in The Bentley in S2, when he spirals up into ludicrously claiming to *not even know who Gabriel is* in an effort to say that he has nothing to do with his disappearance.)
Crowley is bemused by Aziraphale's increasingly desperate attempts to deny what is abundantly obvious to everyone around them and by Burbage's attempt to make a thing out of them to try to assuage his bruised ego. He chooses a little violence with this particularly amusing bit of go fuck yourself, you insecure little twerp:
Anyway lol what this scene then does is give us a moment in the story wherein we see them in a situation where friend (loaded) is defined as friend used euphemistically for lover and they both know it. This isn't coding they came up with but that they will wind up appropriating from the humans around them and repurposing for themselves, though they won't for awhile still to come yet.
What's worth noting here is that friend (loaded) in this human code is euphemistic for a pretty wide array of loaded friend relationships. There's no separation in it for friends with benefits versus someone you're seeing but aren't comfortable admitting that versus someone you've been with for awhile versus the person that is basically your secret spouse, etc.. All of these things are friend (loaded) in human code because the main purpose of it is to identify a pair of people who are involved as such without directly saying so on the surface, even if it's implied heavily via tone.
So what happens when Crowley and Aziraphale eventually decide to repurpose it for themselves?
They've got to be clear on what it means. They'll need to define it more specifically amongst themselves in order to use it.
For awhile still after 1600, they just aren't defining their relationship. They don't need friend (loaded) because they have things they call each other, right? They've got angel and Crowley and my dear fellow and the like. They're not usually around a lot of other humans together that are going to do what Burbage did and try to force a definition of it. (This changes, as we know, in the modern era-- especially S2-- but back in the day, it was true for them.) As a result, they've never had to define this and that's absolutely fucking perfect, as far as they're concerned.
Not defining this? Lovely. Yes. More of that. Makes the fact that they can't just call each other my love hurt a lot less, they're convinced. It helps now for sure and it'll make it less painful if they lose each other. They totally will not at all continue to spend thousands of years wondering what it would sound like if they said the things. They don't each have fourteen million fantasies about being able to use the traditional words and how they'd do it-- absolutely not lol. *Not* using the traditional words isn't at all making both the allure of those words-- and the ones they *do* use-- hotter and more romantic or anything. Not in the slightest...
So then we eventually get the Holy Water Arc, right, and in the middle of that scene, we see them run into a definition problem. In 1862, what actually causes them to fight isn't the holy water request. It's Aziraphale giving it all a word and that word being "fraternizing." First rule of We Don't Say It Club is that we don't say it... but it's also that if you're going to say a word that means the two of you and what you have, maybe don't use the one that Heaven would-- the one that means 'socializing with the enemy.' In Aziraphale's defense, they're both a mess and half-broken up in this scene and there's more going on it than we're going to get into here but the point is that suddenly not having a word caused big drama and caused the whole holy water conversation to de-evolve into an argument that broke them up for the eleven or so minutes that they can stay broken up.
But they still hadn't really resolved the whole holy water argument debacle by 1941, even if there is evidence in the show that they saw one another between 1862 and 1941, and the reason why they haven't is because holy water is irretrievably linked to defining what they are.
Crowley asking for it meant they had to consider what they are to one another and talk about it and 1862 proved their language didn't have words for that at the time. There is a level of panic to it because the request contains a certain level of acknowledgement about how they feel about each other. Aziraphale jumps onto holy water being a suicide pill not just because he's terribly worried that that's why a visibly anxious and depressed Crowley wants it but because if it's not what Crowley wants it for, then Crowley is saying he wants it for defense and whose defense, right? Not just his own, potentially. It's very much saying that he wants it to protect not just himself but Aziraphale from Hell and now we're talking about Crowley being willing to risk the wrath of Hell and maybe get himself killed trying to protect Aziraphale from harm and now, we're closer than ever to that I love you under the surface and they panic and they avoid it for 80 some odd years entirely until World War II...
...and then we arrive at The Blitz in 1941. We are now a scant one hundred years or so until 6,000 years being up since the creation of Earth and Armageddon was always going to happen in "*about* 6,000 years" so, for all they know, this is it... and Crowley in 1600 told you how he feels about sad endings:
So while rescuing Aziraphale is nothing new, Crowley turned up in 1941 with the intent of making a better ending, in case they had now found themselves at the start of the end of the world. They were almost out of time either way and he didn't want it all to end without them having said the things but also they didn't know *for sure* if this was it... and they still can't be together if it isn't... so Crowley can't just show up and be like so, angel, I've been meaning to tell you in the actual words for the last six millennia-- I'm madly in love with you. He has to find a way to do it in their language of doublespeak. And so, here's Crowley using friend (loaded) in front of the Nazis in 1941:
By using my friend in the church, Crowley is then actually euphemistically calling Aziraphale my lover by calling back to The Globe Theatre and stealing the human coded term that Burbage used. Crowley does not care what the Nazis think. The comment isn't for them; it's for Aziraphale. So is letting Aziraphale find out about his first name, which is also calling back to The Globe Theatre. ("Anthony", pronounced "Antony", as in Shakespeare's 'Antony and Cleopatra', the play in which Shakespeare put the love poetry he stole that Crowley wrote for Aziraphale.) So is referencing the unguarded holy water in the church, which is then trying to talk about it a little by connecting it to this romantic grand gesture here and acknowledging why they panicked over it all those years ago. It's all saying I'm in love with you in their little language in the best way Crowley can in this moment.
But what did we say about friend (loaded)? We said they have to define it, right?
Because it can mean different things. Crowley isn't wrong to use it and Aziraphale understands it the way he does in the church. He understands it to euphemistically refer to them as lovers, which they are. It's just that all of this combined with Crowley saving the books then makes Aziraphale realize that it's one thing to say my friend (loaded) but if you say it and then there's holy water referencing and then there's more of the Shakespeare scene in there with Anthony and the little "you don't like it?" pout and then there's the entered a church for you and... you put all of that together with little demonic miracle of my own and saving the books...
...and Aziraphale realizes that Crowley is taking the thing that they always were-- my friend (loaded)-- and using it in the middle of saying that he's in love with him.
Crowley is trying to give it a word.
The word he's using meets all their language rules. It's from a moment in their past. It has a true surface meaning and a loaded undertone and subtext for days. He's not asking Aziraphale to use it. He's not saying the actual thing, as that would be breaking their rules, but he is absolutely saying it in their language.
He's not asking Aziraphale for it in return. He's just saying that this could all be over soon and he needed Aziraphale to know and in some ways, it's an apology of sorts. He's sorry they fought. He's sorry they lost years over it. He's sorry for the pain of it. He was in love, you see. The sex while pining got to be a lot. All of this got to be a lot. You get it now right, Aziraphale? Yes? Good. Lift home...
The phrase my friend (loaded) takes on a different meaning after Crowley saves the books and after their conversation inside and outside The Bentley. That's the point of the two "shut up"s-- the one from Part 1 and the one right after it where Part 2 picks up. Why have this conversation twice? Because it's actually two different conversations.
The first one outside The Bentley is Aziraphale in a love stupor, just telling Crowley that saving the books was a nice thing and Crowley responding with a half-effort "shut up" while he cleans his glasses. It's the only scene in the entire series to date in which Crowley is cleaning his glasses and he is in this moment to give Aziraphale his eyes for a moment. But The Blitz, Part 2 shows us this again... and then gives us the scene in The Bentley with what starts out sounding like the same conversation on the surface to start. It is, though, not the same conversation *under* the surface...
There's a reason why Aziraphale says a second time that saving the books was a nice thing. They're now in The Bentley, which is a little more private, and Aziraphale can't let this drop because he needs to know for sure what Crowley is saying with this and if Crowley's sure he wants to be saying what it seems like he's saying. This is basically Aziraphale's version of Crowley's "are you sure? are you sure you're sure?" in the magic shop later on. Aziraphale knows Crowley just said he's in love with him but Aziraphale also knows *Crowley*, right?
He's been with Crowley for a long time. He knows him very well. He knows that Crowley is anxious and emotional and hopelessly romantic and that the world is literally ending around them as they're driving through bombs raining down over London and part of Aziraphale is thinking of the fact that even in this seemingly apocalyptic Armageddon that could be starting here, Crowley was coded in what he just did. He left the traditional words on the table. He said the things in their language and that is, in some ways, even more romantic, but he's left them the things they leave out of hope for a better future, just in case. There's a caution to that and while Aziraphale appreciates the caution, he also can sense that Crowley was nervous about doing this. He is a little concerned that Crowley's going to have said he loved him and then regret it and pull away from him again and Aziraphale can't do the first bit of the Holy Water Arc all over again. He's really wanting to start to move into a lighter era here lol. He also really wants to be sure that he's understanding what Crowley is saying entirely.
And he wants to hear it again.
If Crowley isn't going to shut down on him entirely now, Aziraphale very much liked all of this and would like more of it but he first has to be sure he knows for sure what Crowley means and he can't just ask directly or he's both saying the things they leave unsaid and he'd be undoing Crowley's effort so he has to find a way to ask without directly asking and in such a way that an already sensitive about all of this Crowley won't take offense or be embarrassed and that gives them a way back from this if Crowley shows signs that he feels like he might have gone too far.
So Aziraphale offers Crowley an out.
He tells him again that it was such a nice thing Crowley did for him. He means this and it was a nice thing but this is also saying that he heard that I'm in love with you that Crowley was saying by saving his books and that he liked hearing it, that it was nice, that it was okay that Crowley did that, but that it's also okay if he feels like he made a mistake with it.
Crowley's response to again being told that it was nice is to again tell Aziraphale to "shut up", this one a bit more emphatically than he did outside The Bentley a few moments before. It's unclear to what extent this language, at this time, is sexualized, but by 2019/S1, this back and forth of Aziraphale calling Crowley "nice" and Crowley responding with some bite is a self-parodic sex game that they're playing in Tadfield.
Much of what happens in Tadfield is playing on other parts of their story-- think about the paintball bit with the gun but now with knowledge of The Bullet Catch in The Blitz, Part 2-- and there is a big difference in the ways Aziraphale calls Crowley "nice" in 1941 and in 2019. In Tadfield in 2019, Aziraphale is literally smirking in a way that implies that this is a little game they play and he's saying a series of things that he knows will prompt this intentionally outsized reaction from Crowley, who is playing it with him. The game is likely tied *to* this bit of 1941 that we see in The Blitz, Part 2 in S2, in that it's referencing it a bit (if very obviously going in a different direction lol), but also because Aziraphale's phrasing and tone in 1941 is not smirking. It's softer and quieter and not designed, through their language, to prompt a certain response out of Crowley. It's not yet a sex game, it's still a kind of conversation they've had in the past that will serve as inspiration for said sex game in the future.
While it's a bit unclear if a version of this already existed in 1941 or if 1941 is part of the evolution to what it becomes by 2019, there's a tone to it in The Bentley in 1941 that says that, at the least, Crowley suspects that Aziraphale is trying to lure him towards sex by calling him nice and that's reinforced by the next thing Aziraphale says, which continues it, but is also doing so to provide Crowley with an out to his confession of love, in case Crowley wants to take it.
Aziraphale's out comes in the form of offering him sex, which is absolutely what this is:
Oh, gee, Aziraphale, whatever could you do in this moment here in The Bentley? You aren't at all telling him you'd do literally anything he says he wants right now, right here, in his damn car, are you?
But while Aziraphale would so absolutely yes because lawd, 1941 Crowley is sldjwkejele... look at what he's *really* saying as well...
What he's saying here is we can pretend you just did all of that for sex, if you want to. I know you didn't and you know you didn't but we are good at pretending and if you're silently having an anxiety attack behind your glasses over there, we don't have do this...
Crowley's response?
The quiet "forget it, will you?"
Meaning: I don't want to take it back. I'm in love with you. I wanted to say it. I meant to say it. Everything might be going to go pear-shaped and I wanted to have said it somehow. I don't need you to say it. I don't know what I expected but I also maybe kinda didn't want the response to be 'aww, you're sweet... do you want a blowjob?' so maybe let's just drop this. We're going to never speak of this again now. Moving onto spreading the demon drink...
Crowley turns down Aziraphale's offer to make it about sex and, in doing so, Crowley says indisputably that it's about love. If he had taken up Aziraphale's offer in that moment, then it would have been agreeing to pretend that he's never said he's in love with Aziraphale and to instead pretend that the romantic-looking things were all an effort to get into Aziraphale's pants. When he turns down sex, Aziraphale smiles softly because, to him, *this* is then really the moment that Crowley said he loves him.
Aziraphale knows for sure now what Crowley was saying and my friend (loaded) now has a definition between them that means the whole deal. Since Crowley said the thing that meant lovers euphemistically as part of saying he's in love with him, then my friend (loaded) is now forever part of the night during The Blitz in 1941 when Crowley said he was in love with him, which means that they can't use any version of friend (loaded) with each other without that being part of it. Friend (loaded) always meant lovers (sexual partners) but now it also means lovers (romantic partners) as well. It's not that they just suddenly became romantic partners because it's been a romance all along but now they're acknowledging it in a way they can't go back from and they do so by giving what they are to one another a word in their secret language.
Aziraphale then wants to return the feeling. Crowley is saying that he doesn't need him to by telling him to forget it about it and wanting to move on from it but Aziraphale can't accept that. Crowley might be right-- this could be it-- and like Aziraphale's going to let Crowley potentially soon go to his grave without telling him he's not alone in how he feels. That's not happening. However you think the events happened to give Aziraphale the opportunity to rescue Crowley from the wrath of Mrs. H-- divine fate, Aziraphale miracling the bottles broken, The Bentley shipping it and helping Aziraphale, all of the above, etc..-- he gets the chance not ten minutes later and he takes it... and, of course, what does he use?
My good friend (loaded af lol).
They've already just redefined my friend (loaded) by this point, so to turn around and use it is to tell Crowley I feel the same way. I love you, too. This is Crowley's change in expression in reaction in that above gif. It's one thing when Aziraphale volunteers to help-- that is sweet and Crowley's all eyebrows raised in intrigued surprise. His whole expression then slips from that into being stunned when he hears my good friend and he realizes that Aziraphale is now grand gesturing *him*. He's realizing that the bit in the car really was just an offer of an out, not just that plus Aziraphale saying he was uncomfortable with what Crowley had said and needing it to stay a lot more hidden beneath a cover of sex. It was Aziraphale needing to be sure he understood and needing to be sure that Crowley was sure he wanted to make this change in how they are but now that he's sure on those things, Aziraphale is actually all in for it.
Worth mentioning that my good friend (loaded) is a mashup of my friend and my dear fellow, which makes it extra sweet. Just as Crowley started this by calling back to The Globe Theatre by using my friend (loaded), Aziraphale is calling back to the my dear fellow rhythm of what he's called Crowley for centuries. It says I love you and every 'my dear fellow' was not just fondness but an 'I love you', if you didn't already know. I've loved you forever.
It's also quite literally calling Crowley 'good', which is not something that he really believes about himself but is something Aziraphale believes about him. His good friend, as in close friend, but also his good friend, as in good person. He also does nothing to discourage Mrs. H's inevitable understanding that he and Crowley are a couple. He gestures between them to indicate it. He uses my good friend in such a way that it's just the same thing queer humans of the time would have said to someone low-risk (a theatre person) in London during WW2. It's completely inverted from his response to Burbage in a different theatre in 1600, in the moment this whole friend thing became a thing for them, which is also intentional. It's telling Crowley he understood all the things Crowley was saying in the church and he feels them, too.
Then, there's this, once they're back the bookshop:
Here, we're acknowledging what friends means now by pausing and emphasizing it. "That's what friends are for" is not a phrase that would require the pause and the tone on friends if friendship was all "friends" meant to them. It's not now and this is acknowledging that.
Note Crowley's little lip twitch/almost-sad-smile at what Aziraphale is saying. It's agreement. It's assent. This is them confirming that they understand what the other is saying and giving this new word a home in their language.
This is then what they call each other now when they need to talk about it and it's my friend on the surface and it's my love underneath.
There's a sadness to it. How nice it would be to just be able to say it... It's also a moment of realizing that they aren't sure they can use this word all the time. It's good to have a word and a shared understanding of what it means and they have no desire to take back these confessions of love here but while it's lovely to have said this now, it's also a bit heartbreaking.
Aziraphale's heartbreak, his little Crowley move of putting on his (transparent lol) glasses, his brave smile, and then how quickly they both transition from this conversation into The West End, The West End and I'm a lonely G.I... and The farthing *has vanished*! It shows you how accustomed they are to burying the pain under trying to live in the moment for one another.
A few moments after this, Aziraphale will be showing Crowley some of his human magic tricks in preparation for performing on stage and when they get to the point where Aziraphale is telling Crowley about Goldstone's Magic Shop, he then tells him that it's not for him because it's "for professional conjurers only."
This is somewhat unintentional metaphor on Aziraphale's part that Crowley then acknowledges and turns into coded language in his response. Aziraphale's love of human magic is metaphorical for his love of humanity and living in a way as to indulge his humanity in a way that angels have been taught not to do. The reason why Aziraphale's love of magic is this metaphor and not, say, his love of books or music or food, is because all of the other things that Aziraphale likes about the human experiences can be dismissed by him as relating to understanding the human experience *so as to be a better angel.* He's really not a student of humanity just to learn how to better guide them. He admits to Adam in front of Crowley in S1 that he thinks that humans are the ones who get it when he tells him that he hoped Adam would be good and worried he'd be evil but that he's something better than either of those-- he's human incarnate. Aziraphale can justify most of his indulgences as being related to learning human ways to relate to them to help them-- food, books (his home and his book collection can be justified as necessary cover for his angelic embassy), music, etc.... but the love of human magic?
Aziraphale just loves it. It's for him. It's his hobby. He thinks it's a little selfish and probably a lot unbecoming of an angel. He'd completely just want this for a job and he's not supposed to want a job other than to be an angel, which is supposed to be the bestest job imaginable lol. What kind of angel wants a silly human job? What kind of angel with actual magical powers is obsessed with human magic? Aziraphale is. He's endlessly fascinated. It makes him happy. It brings him joy. It's the part of living as a human that he's done in such a way that it's just for him and in such a way that it conflicts a bit with his role as an angel. The only other way Aziraphale loves like this, in this human way? The only other thing he studies at to be a better human over being a better angel?
Crowley.
So when Aziraphale says that he can't go to Goldstone's because it's "for professional conjurers only", Crowley knows that what Aziraphale is really saying is that the shop is "for actual humans only". He knows Aziraphale is admitting that he's sometimes insecure about his ability to be human because of how his humanity is tied to being an angel. Crowley knows that they're talking about Aziraphale and his human magic love on one level but that they're also talking about them and their relationship on another level. This is Aziraphale saying that he loves human magic with a passion but he's not sure he's as good as it as he could be or as he wants to be because maybe he doesn't know everything about being a human in the way that the "professional conjurers"-- humans-- know... and everything we just said he's unsure about with relation to human magic is also how he feels sometimes about loving Crowley.
This conversation is happening in an overlapping way with their friend confessions and Crowley hears that Aziraphale is saying in there that he loves Crowley with a passion but he's not always sure that he's studied enough, that he knows enough, about being human to be what Crowley deserves. He would love to go to this magic shop but he's afraid that it's not meant for him. He struggles, as Crowley already knows, with how he's not supposed to want it but oh he wants and he can't help but love magic and he can't help but love Crowley... all of which prompts Crowley to reassure him, using a now-familiar bit of their language:
"You, my Nefertiti-fooling fellow, are about to perform on the West End stage. If that doesn't make you a 'professional conjurer'... I don't know what does."
Meaning:
You, my human-passing man, are so good at this that you fooled the Ancient Egyptian Queen. You're about to perform your human magic on stage-- to make yourself vulnerable in a way that scares humans. You are always willing to take risks like that and try something new and learn more about being human and that makes you human. It's human to not totally know how to be human, I think. You're doing all of this tonight because you love me. It doesn't matter if you're a good magician or not. This love of ours is human and you're very good at it. You love me very well. If loving me doesn't make you a 'professional conjurer'... I don't know what does.
Crowley uses my [] fellow to emphasize my friend (loaded) by using the term of endearment that Aziraphale himself started that has human connotations to make the point that their love makes them human and to tell Aziraphale that he's very good at their love.
Aziraphale, understandably melting over that:
And then? They just keep using my friend. For decades. Through S2.
What makes it work for so long is the fact that it's human-coded in origin so if they run into a situation where they need to refer to one another like this, they can use it and it doesn't get a lot of questions. After the partners scene with Nina, Crowley uses my friend without thinking twice about it, telling her that she'll be safe in the bookshop because "my friend would never let anything happen to you." Nina already gets that they're friend (loaded) and she doesn't know what using friend means to them because only they know about 1941 but it's a phrase that they can use with the outside world if they need to but that mostly stays between them because only they know that, in their language, my friend = my love.
So when Crowley says I lost my best friend in the Discorporated!Aziraphale scene in S1, he means that he lost his best friend but he *also* really means I lost the love of my life.
The first thing my best friend means is just the actual, uncoded definition-- what the words really mean as they are. Aziraphale is Crowley's best friend. Whatever else they are to one another, they've always been that. The idea that he'd have to go through the end of the world and whatever came after without his best friend devastated him. In a lot of ways, it's sweeter than saying anything else, even if they weren't in a public space, because it's saying that what he'd miss the most is just having his partner in crime in life. The other layer of it is the coded layer. Since they are a couple that uses my friend in an euphemistic way for my love, then Crowley's my best friend in 2019 is the same thing as Aziraphale's my good friend was in 1941. It is my best friend on the surface and it is that but it's also my love beneath it.
This scene is also then the same thing in meaning:
And by S1's present of 2019, they're at a point of using it in an argument, which provides them the means to talk in a way they didn't have in 1862. Yeah, they have their dramatic little breakup spats but this is actually a marked improvement over where they were before the holy water mess. So now watch this bit of the bandstand again here below for the friend (loaded)...
Remember that Aziraphale lies increasing bits of absurdity when stressed and that Crowley knows that. He dismisses what Aziraphale says with that "you doooo" when Aziraphale tries the *utterly ridiculous* "I don't even like you" lol. They're both panicked about the end of the world here in Ineffable Divorce: Round One and Crowley's trying to get them to run away again, which is a terrible idea, but in the process of suggesting it, Crowley is calling them friends (now eternally loaded, as we just spent this meta proving lol) and...
...*how long* have they been friends does he say?
So, how long have they been in love, per their language, per Crowley in the bandstand scene?
Six thousand years.
Since the start.
Vavoom. Sorted. :)
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Paradise Killer is 6 dollars on Steam until May 16 and I am here to hard sell you all on it because it's one of the best games I've ever played.
I'm gonna go beyond giving you a bunch of punchy keywords and telling you it's queer as hell and making meme-y jokes, and I'm going to actually tell you what this game is.
So top-level, WHAT IS PARADISE KILLER?
Mechanically, Paradise Killer is an open-world murder mystery. There is zero combat but a lot of exploration of a very unique location. The majority of your time is going to be walking about Paradise 24, looking for people to discuss the case with and for clues that are scattered around the world.
One of the most interesting concepts in Paradise Killer that is both mechanical and narrative is deciding What Is Your Truth? What Is A Truth And What Is A Fact? From the moment you start the game proper, you can turn 180 degrees and begin the trial and decide who the killer is, before talking to anyone about the case.
For example, getting into the actual crime scene takes a lot of puzzle solving to unlock the sealed room where the victims were killed. But maybe instead of examining the crime scene, you talk to everyone on the island and think you have a good idea of what happened.
Meaning: It is perfectly valid to decide you have the answer to the mystery and just go complete the trial whenever you personally are ready. YOU decide when this ends.
Which frankly I think is a cool-as-fuck concept. Also, I fully believe if three different people find EVERY CLUE and talk to EVERY SUSPECT and hear EVERY PIECE OF EVIDENCE.... they might decide on three different truths entirely. And THAT to me is ingenious mechanical design I have not seen anywhere else in a video game.
Okay let's stop burying the lede and talk about the world of Paradise Killer.
The non-batshit version:
Paradise Killer takes place on a big, beautiful island, the 24th Paradise. The architecture is a delightful mix of black obsidian obelisks, brutalist monuments, opal crystals to slumbering alien gods, garden paths, luxury yachts, and a whole lot of gold and neon.
Neo-occultist urban residential vaporwave-core. If you are like me, you will be taking a lot of screenshots. My wallpaper on my computer is Paradise Killer.
Your interactions with the cast are done in visual novel-style, though I feel I have to shout out this isn't your stock Ren'py UI experience. Every single aspect of the way the game looks compounds the vibes even further.
And the characters are infuckingcredible.
(Notice the different font? This game has A FUCKTON OF ACCESSIBILITY OPTIONS, including dyslexic font options.)
Sammy Day Break, born under the sign of Shadow Zero, is the local distillery and bartender for the Syndicate. Talk to him about what's unique about the whiskey he's made on Paradise 24, or about the good old days of the Syndicate.
Is Doctor Doom Jazz, born under the sign of Cosmic Deceit, really that carefree about what happened? Is his willingness to rekindle his fling with Lady Love Dies just a diversion to hide something? Well, he's one of the most cooperative witnesses on the Island.
Crimson Acid has been through a helluva lot since the last time she saw Love Dies. Blessed by the gods with her stunning rack (of horns! OF HORNS!), she's become quite the idol now. So why is she also an information broker? And can you figure out what her true feelings for Love Dies are?
Between all of these conversations, you can explore the island and collect RELICS and BLOOD CRYSTALS (the local currency) and CITY POP SONGS.
Okay so the Slightly Batshit Version:
Shinji: The Syndicate worships alien gods who want to drown the world in war and blood. Lady Love Dies: I don't see how that makes us the bad guys.
You are LADY LOVE DIES, born under the sign KISS ME TO THE MOON, the INVESTIGATION FREAK. She was exiled to the Idle Lands several cycles ago for falling prey to the seduction of the god Damned Harmony and endangering the entire Syndicate. Only now, with the death of the Council on the eve of Paradise 25, is Love Dies summoned back to solve the murder.
The Syndicate are a group of functionally immortal humans from all across history who are trying to create the perfect bubble of reality, their utopic Paradise where they can safely revive their dead gods. They were granted many powers and boons by their first god, Silent Goat, and hope through rescuing more gods they will grow in power.
How do you create a bubble of reality to do all this totally ethical shit? Easy! You abduct a bunch of normie humans to live on your island to use as a mass sacrifice to generate energy to fuel the creation of each Paradise. If only the outsiders would stop getting in the way!
Paradise Killer's world is delightfully out of its goddamn mind and half of the fun of the game is just picking up little nuggets of information about each member of the Syndicate, the gods, why each Paradise failed (there was an outbreak of vampirism that took out like three of the Paradises???), and just the way this universe works.
Okay this post is already too long but I'm begging you all to give Paradise Killer a chance. It's gorgeous, it's funny, it's mechanically really interesting, it's chill as hell, it has an incredible soundtrack,
and you should try it.
I'LL SEE YOU IN A PERFECT 25 . . .
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Hello again <3
I sent you an anon that you replied to on April 1st, which was me asking how ex-TIFs are received back into womanhood. Your reply gave me a little foothold which ended up very comforting as I started coming out rapid-fire to all my friends as detrans. this is primarily a message for other people in my situation, who are afraid and might want a template of what you might expect will happen once you do come out with it.
Predictably, most of my friends dropped me; I've 3 friends left. Two of which continue to support trans people but can accept that i have different opinions (as long as i'm "not mean") and one of which has seen the gender critical arguments, accepted them, and agrees. So, heavy losses, but not total losses. My two siblings seemed to sigh in relief and reveal that they never believed in genderism at all, which is odd, because in my 10 years of being trans not one of them challenged me on it. my mom fell into heavy guilt over "letting me" do all this, although i was 18 when i took testo and 19 when i got surgery, so she really could not have stopped me, legally. i suppose she mainly grieves knowing that had she had the right arguments she could have saved her kid this, but i've told her she is not to blame and i hope she recognizes that.
i haven't received any real harassment, not from anyone that i PERSONALLY know, though my family has received... harassment targeted at me? my sister had a classmate begin sending her copious pro-trans propaganda (contrapoints videos) which she instructed should be sent onward to me (sis did not comply). hilarious how my 10 years of direct experience is suddenly null and void and i'm assumed to know nothing about transness.... 6 months ago i was helping people sensitivity-write trans characters. now, i'm told i can't speak for the trans experience at all, and that i do not know what it's like to be a transmasc person. told that i need to listen to the arguments more carefully, that i don't LISTEN, when i literally lived this for 10 whole years. girl, on god? they tell me i don't get it and need to educate myself. and have empathy of course.
but in general, detransing, i've discovered that there are PLENTY of people who do not actually believe in genderism but who will play along simply out of fear or social pressure. my friends aside, who i knew through "queer" circles, everyone in my family (expect my mom) has revealed they never actually believed in it. i think this might contribute to why trans people bully dissenters so badly. they know this is the truth, that no one really buys it. i think, subconsciously, i have known that too. i never downloaded grindr, i never went into the men's bathrooms. i knew that despite testo and surgery and pronouns i could never challenge men as an equal in their eyes.
interestingly, making new friends is not that hard. I lead with the fact i'm detrans and "don't believe in all that shit" and people are VERY eager to be able to, suddenly, voice their real opinions without being called transphobic. they begin with probing questions, uncontroversial statements like "i agree they shouldn't put males in women's sports..." but if you continue to agree and not punish this daring on their part, they will reveal, with much relief and enthusiasm, what they really think. most people, normal people, really do not believe it all? i'm a brash person and can take irl confrontations quite well, hence i feel safe putting myself up as a transphobe off the bat. and people are very into this. so. the old ass saying, just be yourself.... normal people will not volunteer anti-genderist opinions on their own but when i continue to state thing after thing they open up and agree and eventually feel safe enough to admit their own thoughts. making friends, especially with non-gendie women, hasn't been that hard.
i'm going to write another message about same-sex attraction in the genderverse, but it's also a can of worms so i will make it separate from this one. again, thank you so much, for having anon on and listening, and letting us listen to each other without fear. i would hug you. to be continued
Thanks for the follow up!
My only comment is that I think most people play along out of kindness, it's not all bullying and fear, but that does impose a silence on everyone so everyone feels quite alone with their doubts.
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Oh god okay here we go
Why must I go into heavy detail you ask? Well, I am actually unable to shut up so here it is them 10 TOP “there’s no chance this is a straight friendship” MOMENTS
“You can have my back any day” aka the enemies to lovers speedrun. The immediate feeling we’re supposed to get from the screen is jealousy. Buck is jealous of the new recruit because he’s hot, a medic, a veteran, whatever. I’ll give it to you children, he WAS jealous. But then they go on call and they get into immediate danger bc 911 is a drama and then Eddie’s very keen on being Buck’s partner. Nothing queer til then right? WRONG. Eddie’s line is pretty normal but the way Buck reacts isn’t. I have had my fair share of “huh this person I didn’t like is actually cool” moments but nEVER have I once sucked in a breath, forgot how to blink, rushed in my words OR stared at said person like I’d like for them to be my lover. Three points to Gayfindor.
“Is your son REALLY the reason you don’t date?” This line and the dialogue that follows makes absolutely no sense from the non-queer glass. Alright he asks bc he wants to know why two girls practically launched themselves at him and he declined (such a kind offer lmao) but… why are you standing so close? Why do you bump shoulders with him as you walk? Most importantly, what the FUCK does Eddie’s smirk mean after “they’re not my type either… not anymore.” Idk about you guys but when I’m not on the market I’m actually not in it 😀 and I don’t go around looking at my best friend like I’d consider fucking her (I’m actually kinda yikes about that thought bc she’s like my sister). Bottom line is: if you’re willing to fuck your best friend, there’s attraction. That scenes oozes attraction and I’d be willing to white glove challenge a body language reader.
The Tsunami. YES okay, there are far many moments in between but I also need to make this a somewhat readable list so here we go. We’re gonna pretend for a hot second Buck wants to save his best friend’s son, and not the child that he considers his own bc I’m tired. Let’s skip to the far end of this (be GrAtEfuL I’m skipping the whole sacrifice that this episode entailed. Buck was willing to die, to never sit down again if it meant looking for Chris [& the utter fear he has to face Eddie]. It’s a lot). Now, I do not OWN a child (thank god) but if I did, I wouldn’t be particularly comfortable with a simple friend from work taking care of them. They could be my very best friend from work and I’d still feel a little icky -at least nervous- about it. Yet Eddie not only takes Christopher back A F T E R the tsunami (Chris could’ve died and Eddie is nothing short of apprehensive), but he says ‘there’s no one I trust with my son more than you’. Um. Not his wife. Not his family (CHRIS’ family), not Abuela, not Tia Pepa. Buck. Who he… just met? Surely it isn’t bc he’s uncle buck… I don’t believe even Maddie has said that to Buck, where he’s actually, yknow, UNCLE BUCK. Co-parenting is not something done between a parent and a friend, and I know this shit bc my mom raised me with a few of her friends and guys,,, she never said that to any of them. Also Chris is practically never seen with anyone else from the 188firefam alone.
The Kitchen Scene™️. I have gone on rants about this before but truth be told THIS is the scene that conveys the MOST canonically sexual tension between them. We can joke about it all y’all want but this scene is unhinged. I don’t think Oliver and Ryan were aware that they should’ve been friends in this scene. The way the conversation shifts from apologetic sad puppy eyes to “you’re throwing your punches at the wrong guy” to I CAN TAKE YOU (???) you can what? “Oh you think?” “Oh I know” HELLO? Pls don’t even get me started on how Buck approaches Eddie, the way he’s puffy-chested, his hand on his belt, eyeing him up and down, nearly biting his lip, cocky grin,,,,, explain to me in hetero. I’m waiting😐 guys c’mon exPLAIN IT TO ME IN HETERO. The way Eddie glances to the side bc where’s Chris? And h o w he sips his beer right after, smirking, tiLTING His head. I’m sorry this is not straight in any way. I’m sorry you’re gonna have to accept this.
Clipboard Buck. Alright u got me!!! This one’s a lil silly, but so is my life, so it’s fair game. Clipboard Buck is annoying as fuck, he’s so fucking annoying. The entire firefam picks up on this, no one wants to be around,,,, except Eddie. You could argue that it’s bc he likes him as a friend and he’s just indulging …. 👁️👄👁️ sure but he also hides from Interim Captain Han soooo anyway what’s fun about this is how willing Eddie is to comply with everything he says. He’s basically twirling his hair, kicking his feet, smiling & blushing and “check!” 🧍🏽♀️ buck is kinky (that is canon e.g the ring cutter) and he gets high on authority and Eddie does backflips to meet his kinks. Exhibit 5 complete.
The Lawsuit Arc acka the first divorce era😔✊🏼. This one makes me rage a little bit because I get really upset at Buck for acting recklessly. Like baby let yourself HEAL. Anyway,,,, onto what brings us here 🥷🏼. It’s canon that the entire team is mad at Buck, they don’t really wanna bump into him, can’t really speak to him,,, but Eddie? Eddie’s filled with wrath. I cannot stress enough the fact that he uses Chris as an excuse “do you even know how much he misses you? how could you! you’re not here”. The way he expresses himself, and we’re choosing to ignore the fact that he HIMSELF misses Buck,, that’s how you talk to someone who has a responsibility with the child, not the fun coworker that randomly shows up @ your house with pizza every once in a while. “I couldn’t even call you to bail me out of jail”. He’s so u p s e t that for the first time they know each other he can’t rely on Buck when he’s hurting and in danger. And pls for the love of Jesus Christ my lord & savior don’t tell me that it’s a 118 thing bc he calls Ronda Rousey to come pick him up 🎅🏻 that grocery store scene is.. interesting.
Eddie Underground. Alright we’re getting serious now guys,,, might as well put on your thinking caps on this one. We all know the story, this isn’t a latest ep recap soooo The wAY Buck’s the ONLY ONE who desperately calls Eddie’s name when he’s fallen underground, amidst the heavy rain and dirt. Listen to me: he starts digging with his hands. With his bare hands I tell you!!!! 😩 Bobby has to physically pull him back as he cries on his lap. Buck is a smart man, he wouldn’t do something that’s completely illogic, he knows he can’t dig him out but he’s so desperate. His voice breaks, he can’t breathe, he becomes impulsive, reckless, impatient. Do I need to remind y’all the reason he wasn’t the one getting strapped to go underground??? “You’re not going down there. So we can have two cut off ropes?” Everyone knows he’s willing to sacrifice his integrity for Eddie bc his life doesn’t make sense without him. “We’ll get him back for you”
The Shooting + “I’ve made u my son’s dad lol”. When Eddie gets shot the world freezes for Buck. He’s left standing there, staring as Eddie’s blood splatters on him. He has to be tackled down. Even then, he’s unable to move, to breathe. He just looks as he bleeds out, and theN he snaps back into reality, bracing himself to go under the truck (foregoing his own trauma - I’ve said this before) and preparing for the amount of strength it’s gonna take to pull him under it. He screams at him to hold on, and later when he manages to pull him inside the truck he tells him he needs him to hang on. He rips his uniform open, he cries and screams,,, then Eddie wakes up, and he asks BUCK if HES okay. Bc he saw blood :( also as @butraura pointed out, he can’t die if Buck’s dying bc what about Chris? He only lets himself drift off when he knows Buck’s okay. Then we got The Will Reveal™️ also so unhinged. “You knew I wouldn’t turn it down” right what is this guys??? That was a year ago. He added him to his will A yEaR aGo. Idk about y’all but I haven’t added my friends to my will😀 also Buck’s the one who tells Chris ??? (I’m being very brief on this subject). Also “Because, Evan” shut up🧎🏽♀️
& 10. The Lightning Strike + “She sees me”. I’m doing these together bc I haven’t watched this episodes yet but I’m an addict so I’ve spoiled myself to the brim. The way Eddie screams Buck’s name, the way he saves him, “do more” h e l l o ?? The absolute PAIN in Eddie’s eyes, “you died Buck” “3 minutes and 17 seconds”, “his humor hasn’t changed” & the fact that he listens to Buck on his super genius math theory. And then Buck goes and says “I feel like Natalia sees me” ok. I mean my feelings mean nothing but Eddie’s face ??? That’s a man that knows he’s waited too long.
I rest my case. I’m missing a lot of scenes (like a lot omg Abby comes back, Buck under the Truck, Buck vomiting blood, the Taylor Arc) & y’all can argue in the comments about them, or add shit or try to dismantle mine, honestly the floor is yours idc wHat u do, just know you won’t convince me otherwise 🤸🏽these two are in love & that’s pretty much that on THAT. PERIOD.
#I’m sorry for this long ass post#buddie#911 fox#evan buckley#eddie diaz#911#911 tv show#buck x eddie#evan buck buckley#buck and eddie#911 abc#buddie drabble#buddie ship#evan buckley x eddie diaz#evan buck buckely#buck/eddie#911 buddie#buddie 911
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you want homosexuals in every conceivable scenario?
Boy oh boy do i have the substack for u: mine!
NO PLEASE LEMME TELL U THE STORIES BEFORE U LEAVE--
Current is Cinnamon Muffins. TLDR: Six queer boys in a homophobic tiny town in Iowa are trying to survive winter break dodging awful parents, social stigma, and mental health crises.
Next up is How to Get Away with Marriage. TLDR: Guy with awful, religious parents marries guy who is living paycheck to paycheck so they can both get all their younger sisters out of their shitty situations (but they fall in love ofc).
Longer desc of these plus the stories coming in the next months are below the cut! (Genres include fantasy, sci-fi, dystopian, mystery/thriller, coming-of-age)
Cinnamon Muffins centers on Taylor Macready, a homeless senior in high school holed up in a sleeping bag under a bridge after his parents kicked him out. He's fully ready to just accept death when it starts snowing on him while he's stargazing, but social outcast Wes Post is taking his nightly walk in a new direction and stumbles (literally) on his longtime crush, Taylor. Dragging Taylor home, Wes's parents prove themselves the only reasonable parents in this book by setting Taylor up on their pullout couch and nursing him back to health. Then Wes, whose closest school relationships include the kids who bully him for his anxiety-related speech impediment, has to get in touch with Taylor's friends to let them know the situation. Meanwhile, the mean girls of Swisher High School are starting a campaign to get homosexuality banned at school. Administratively, it gets nowhere, but it inspires several small-minded shitwads to take matters into their own hands. While Taylor is used to getting into fights, Wes isn't, but he'll have to sink or swim, because the teachers are not paid enough to care what happens in the hallways during lunchtime.
How to Get Away with Marriage opens with Luke Providence, son of a devoutly Baptist family in Nebraska, proposing to Patrick Demden, son of a recently-deceased alcoholic mechanic. The wealthy Providence parents have a longstanding agreement that once their children get married, they will receive a trust of $100,000 to use on the down-payment of a house and to start a life with their spouse. Patrick's younger sister tutors Luke's younger sister, but Patrick's sister is 16. This age gap doesn't matter much to the Providence parents, but it matters a lot to Luke, so he strikes a deal with Patrick: tell the parents he'll marry the sister, legally marry the brother, everyone gets to move to Colorado and escape abusive religious parents and crushing poverty. He needn't have done something so elaborate, Patrick would have married him for any reason at all. But the secret doesn't stay secret forever, and the Providence parents eventually come knocking, trying to recollect their children and their money.
Future stories I'll keep shorter, but feel free to ask about them either in the replies or my askbox and I'll elaborate!
Assassin x Demon King will be getting books 2 and 3! ADK is about an assassin and the king he was supposed to kill, both of whom have quit their jobs and started trying to save as many people as the assassin killed before he dies of a slow-acting poison in twelve months. Books 2 and 3 will have things getting awfully tragic and somewhat more horny than before! (No smut will make it into the print versions of these, that will remain on my substack alone)
How to Find Your Friends After the End of the World is a fantasy inspired by the isekai anime genre. Five friends in their 20s are on earth as it is wracked by a violent battle between the Heroine of the Gods and her Nemesis, and then, suddenly, they aren't. Earth has been destroyed and they are now on a new planet, in new (non-human) bodies, strewn across continents! On their new wrists, they have tattoos with each others' names, plus one (or two) new ones: their soulmates. Court politics and wastelands of monsters await them as they try desperately to reach each other, and their soulmates try desperately to reach them.
HtFYF will also have a prequel, focusing on the events that led to earth's destruction, and the battle between the Heroine of the Gods, a young woman, and her Nemesis, who seems to know more about the gods than she says. Why do the gods keep choosing such young heroes? What has the Nemesis done to put the world in such peril? Will the Heroine get to graduate on time despite the sleep she's been missing!?
The following do not yet have titles, but are fully fleshed out works ready to be thrown onto Substack:
A trilogy of eleven teens assisting in the fight against an agency that traffics, tortures, and then sells children with preternatural powers and abilities, and an exploration of the trauma those kids emerge with.
A murder mystery where a woman's sister dies, the police rule it suicide, and the woman enlists the help of a rumored contract killer to help her solve the murder-- but why does this rumored murderer-for-hire seem to know so much about her sister's death? And who was truly responsible?
A campy novel about a woman who graduates college, goes back to her hometown, and finds her highschool crush is still there, still single, and has since come out as gay. Of course, the only solution is to co-adopt an at-risk child from a neighbor.
This post will remain pinned on my profile, but for the next few days I'm having a sale on my substack tiers-- 20% off! That makes the cost to you just $8 per month to get a chapter every other day. 15 chapters for $8; that's a steal!
#support the author#indie author#substack#book recommendations#queer fantasy#queer scifi#queer mystery#queer romance#queer ya#wlw#mlm#queer rep#mlnb#wlnb
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I am howling at the sky for the look tonight that Harvey Guillén staked to death, spat on, and made it beg on the red carpet. Instead of just ranting to my queer fashion/fandom retail friends again, I took our collective slobber and tears to outline my plea to the fashion gods.
Why doesn’t this man have a ‘mens’wear line in every American mall? There is a gap in the market for adventurous, queer friendly suiting available through a retailer like Macys/J C Penney. Yes, retail is dying and wedding industry more so, but that’s particular to what’s available for consumers as well. Suiting is turned from off the rack into iconic by proper tailoring, but let me tell you from working all sides of the bridal salon, even up-scale clothing lines are getting rude as hell about quality and assembly to prevent tailoring and longevity.
This kid’s Disney charm would be perfect for introducing a plus size, inclusive line of fashion-forward pieces which include, say a QR code video about taking your own measurements, how adjustments work, with pieces designed to be sleek, with enough allowance for tailoring, and minding the lines in the garment to make the adjustments for plus size bodies easier. It’s no more adjustments than are made on straight size bodies, it’s just straight size bodies have more options to find a line which works with their natural shape.
But in my experience, it’s gender non-conforming folks and plus sized folks who get pushed out of finding pieces they can actually use for celebrations or work, much less pieces with actual personality that spark joy. This man has been killing it for years, really getting some clutch looks for events and invites in the fashion world. He’s showing proof of concept every time he steps in front of a camera.
Watching Harvey’s fashion evolution, I trust his fashion team and judgement to create a mid/high line for workwear to events suiting embracing a gender nonconforming audience. I can’t think of anyone better situated to become the ambassador of a brand with *the* formal wear for queer events and special occasions. I was tickled to see he sells his own merch and hope this experience convinces him of the joy working with artists and connecting their visions to a wanting public, dipping toes into the new ethical, sustainable trends in fashion. His looks alone shows he’s done his homework over the years about timelessness and early adopting trends.
For the years I worked selling/tailoring wedding dresses, there was the prophetic ‘someday… along will come the man who revives men’s fashion for events again’ to save the David’s bridal/men’s wear house lines who keep dropping plus sizes like mine and dying off. As the pet butch in the bridal salon I pleaded to the sky for better suiting options. Add that to my butch lezzy ways and trans masc circle of friends I legit spent this past Friday night drunk in a bar with a seam ripper adjusting jackets and darting pants in an unplanned sewing circle for a bachelorette until it was my round of karaoke. This isn’t the first time I’ve spontaneously started tailoring for the queers, I can’t keep up with the demand! Y’all we are in our twenties to mid thirties there should be better options than this that don’t require a vacation to LA/NY!!
I have ethical, sustainable fashion preferences about slipping in a retailer versus an online brand. But for the vision of accessible clothing to the masses pushing the envelope of the kind of quality only vintage pieces are affording the general public, this is the only celebrity really posed with the image, high energy, and bona fides to be the face of it. His connections in the fashion game are only growing as WWDITS wraps up.
If this man opened a pop-up suiting/fashion shop I’d take my limited time and resources to really dig in to the designers he promoted. I’d be howling in the streets for my celebrants to go get a Gullién. There’s no shortage online pattern makers, but there is a shortage of queer friendly shops to really get pieces that pop and it feels safe to enjoy in a retail environment. For average people wanting to engage with fashion that affirms their identity on their special day, there’s too much fucking compromise. Honestly it’s nice that I have a side hustle sewing to pattern, but I’d give it up in a fucking heartbeat for there to be actually sustainable and approachable options. I wish there was an in between of being ‘affordable’ gnc suiting in an American mall but add plus size availability and it gets sad for your most thrifty, creative friends. Someone needs the step in the gap, and why not someone at the top of the game?
Even if it was just a pop up line every few years, I’d fucking salivate over every image in that catalogue two thousand miles away for what it can teach home sewists just by virtue of curating those artisans with the express goal of queer, fat friendly designs playing together. Just the existence of vintage shops like Proud Mary creates a boom across the inter-webs of new sewists per post. Could anyone really imagine if there were actually accessible stores in key cities/supported by an online catalog with a personable, rising star as the brand face?
Please feed us more fashion, Harvey. Keep those stylists and designer friends close. Please. I cannot stress how many mascs/nb-bebes keep dropping your name every fitting consultation across this nation and it’s for good reason.
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I’ve been thinking a lot about what a Hazel and Jason friendship would look like.
Hazel tentatively reaching out after finally understanding that Jason isn’t everything she built him up to be in her head, influenced both by Nico and by what she actually observed of Jason herself
Jason assumes she just wants tips on leadership or maybe how to fight better, so he obliged by offering to train with her
Hazel expects Jason to go easy on her like Percy and Annabeth and Piper do, but instead she gets taken down within a few minutes and has Jason ruthlessly pointing out what things she could improve on.
(Cue: Hazel finally having an opponent who doesn’t underestimate her. Hazel who finally feels like she has somebody she can spar against who will help and not just let her win because she’s young and small. Hazel who finally gets why Nico spends so much time talking about how kind and helpful Jason is, even if what she’s seeing isn’t necessarily kind.)
Jason starts hanging out with Hazel outside of sparring but in other groups, like with Piper, or Nico. He learns that she loves dancing and horses and likes to test the hardness of a stone against her fingernails, likes to collect shiny non-precious things just like Nico does, likes to swear loudly whenever possible as if she’s doing it to purposely piss people off.
Hazel asks Jason if he wants to go hang out one day after the Argo quest is over, maybe go to some museum in NYC that she’s heard Percy talk about, or find metaphysical shops to walk through (I HC that Hazel really loves modern mortal interpretations of magic and that she’s fascinated by the ways mortals accidentally connect to the gods etc.) and Jason assumes she means with someone else and agrees, only to find out they’re going alone.
Jason panicking for a moment about potential misinterpretations, once he realizes, and stammering out some garbled thing about how he really likes her but not like that because ofc all he’s known so far is that being alone with a girl = someone will assume romantic intent. Hazel openly laughs in his face and rather boldly states that she KNOWS Jason is in love with her brother.
Hazel, eventually, being the first person Jason feels safe coming out to. Jason, in return, being the first person Hazel feels safe to talk about being asexual with. The two of them discussing their feelings more and more often while exploring new places together, like Hazel talking about how she did so much researching into queer history and labels when she first found out Nico is gay, Jason telling her that he still doesn’t feel like Thalia is his sister as if he might not be the same Jason Grace she remembers, the two of them coming to terms with being on the aromantic spectrum together.
Jason talking Hazel out of joining the Hunters when she’s having a very very bad day. Hazel stopping Jason from disappearing back out into the mortal world to finish school without first giving his other friends a chance to have input.
(Hazel and Jason inadvertently saving each other’s lives by tweaking fate, thus making their friendship literally woven into their lives forever indisputably. Hades/Pluto patting Jason on the back and telling him thank you with no context or clarification the next time they meet. Hera/Juno, tight lipped and silent, offering Hazel some kind of gift or blessing the next time she returns to New Rome. Hazel and Jason laughing it off when they tell each other because wow, their godly parents are weird as hell.)
#pjo#hoo#jason grace#hazel levesque#I really do think their friendship would be so fun and cool for them#they develop a sibling kinda thing#like yeah Jason still sees her as a little kid sometimes#but she’s HIS little kid sibling and hazel is okay with that because they both know it doesn’t mean he sees her as weak or lesser#idk man people need to hop on this Jason Hazel friendship train I’m digging this shit soooo much#GIGGLING at the idea of Jason casually saying he used to have a crush on Frank and Hazel hitting him with a pillow#they’re gossiping. they’re beating each other up. they’re sharing their deepest darkest secrets.#I’m sure it’s not all happy sparkly rainbows all the time either#like I’m SURE hazel gets pissed off at Jason super easily for shit he does and Jason gets annoyed when Hazel just Decides Stuff without#input from anyone else (Jason does this too but he’s a hypocrite)#like they also. hate each other sometimes but that’s fine. they always figure it out and are friends again before the end of the day#there’s just so much POTENTIAL guys#Percy Jackson and the Olympians#heroes of Olympus#pjato#these are my kids my children
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For the most part, I like M preg Lucifer/michael mainly because there is a point in the Testament of Solomon where Ornias says himelf to be the son of Uriel THE archangel. And I quote:
And Solomon said to him: "Tell me, O demon, to what zodiacal sign thou art subject." And he answered: "To the Water-pourer6. And those who are consumed with desire for the noble virgins upon earth . . . . . [there appears to be a lacuna here], these I strangle7. But in case there is no disposition to sleep8, I am changed into three forms. Whenever men come to be enamoured of women, I metamorphose myself into a comely female; and I take hold of the men in their sleep, and play with them. And after a while I again take to my wings, and hie me to the heavenly regions. I also appear as a lion, and I am commanded by all the demons. I am offspring of the archangel Uriel 9, the power of God."
-----(Translated from the codex of the Paris Library, after the edition of Fleck, Wissensch. Reise, bd. ii. abth. 3.)
And so I was thinking of the many ideas that could appear from the possibility of angels having offspring. Its not canonical i know, ( 〒▽〒) but i do find the idea fasinating, especially considering the fact that Uriel still has its high status as an angel despite having a demon offspring.
(also sorry for the ramble but its pretty funny that Solomon just hears this and goes 'offspring of an angel? alright then go work on stone cutting' and ornias gets on a fight with him that uriel himself comes to reprimant the boy god does this feel like a fanfiction---)
But anyways, michael and lucifer's baby would certainly be.... square. Wild. An oddity. probably loved prob not theres to much drama going on in their relationship (of your book) to say the least. But literary perspective it would be fun to see.
I say this sincerely but this is one of my favorite arguments for why Michael and Lucifer should have a baby — because the Testament of Solomon says Uriel had a baby.
I really do love how so much non-canonical books and demonology and etc., are fixated on angels having children. We all want them to breed very very badly for some reason. (Also I like the gender queerness/transness of this Orias turning into a woman to seduce men).
Well! Angels & Man is definitely about angel offspring! If I speak too much, I will spoil, but you will see.
Anyway, I think if Michael and Lucifer had a child, the baby would be very loved and spoiled despite all the drama. Maybe a baby could save Michael and Lucifer's relationship. (No it wouldn't). Maybe a baby could keep them from divorcing anymore (No it couldn't)
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Intro??
Hi! My name is Draconia and this is my BokuMono Blog (TM) I like and follow from @octahyde!!
Bokumono is my all time, number one favorite series with absolutely zero exceptions. It always has been and always will be the one single most important media to me in my entire life. I got into the series in 2007 and have played almost every game since. This series is such a comfort that when I’m struggling my therapist literally prescribes me to play one of these games.
The only games I haven’t played are the GBC games (I own one of them though), 64, Back To Nature (played every ver of the mineral town games besides it), Save the Homeland/Hero of Leaf Valley (I have the latter but don’t have a good psp. Tfw. I know this makes my pfp very ironic but listen what me and Dia have is So Real.) and Sunshine Islands because I was less than fond of IoH.
I have played every other game in the series besides that! Of those, the only games I actively dislike are Pioneers of Olive Town and Island of Happiness (besides Pierre). I’m good to talk about literally any other game in the series though!!
This series is what got me to draw, write, make plushies, AND cosplay. Igusa Matsuyama to this day is my biggest artistic inspiration.
As for some more info:
My favorite games are Magical Melody, Grand Bazaar, and Trio of Towns.
Of those three, Magical Melody is my favorite. It was the first game in the series I ever played, and will always be the most special to me. No matter what. Thanks to a very cherished person in my life, I even have a disc signed by Yasuhiro Wada himself framed in my apartment. It’s probably my most prized personal, non heirloom possession.
My favorite bachelorettes are Dia, Vivi, and Agate.
My favorite bachelors are Ivan, Nadi, and Chase.
My favorite ship in the series is Jamie/Tina. Babby’s first queer ship…
My favorite crop is tea leaves. Idk if that one is random but my farms are like 95% crops and like a sheep or two so I feel like I should say it becausef I go all fucking in on crops. It’s insane how hard I go on crops dude. I like minmax crops.
I also have a beloved OC X Canon ship The YuzuWren. They have over 100 hours in my copy of 3oT. I’ll link to a post infodumping all about them when I write it!!
I also have an OC x Canon ship in SoS1 (The MistLand), but that one isn’t as special even if it’s just as developed (also they haven’t gotten married yet when The YuzuWren have. Roland’s taking it slow.) I’m also considering making an OC x Canon file in ANB for Felicia just to round out the 3DS games.
My only real DNI is please, for the love of god, do NOT bring up Stardew Valley to me or on my posts. I never have, and never will have any desire to ever play it, and I am exhausted for it being brought up every time someone discusses a series 20 years older than it. Also while minors are fine to follow here, please do not follow my main account. It’s nothing personal, I just don’t want minors on that account. Tumblr is the only social media I talk to people under 21-22 to begin with.
Other farm sims besides Stardew are okay, though! I will likely also discuss Fields of Mistria and Snacko on here! I’m also in desperate need to play Cult of the Lamb, but that’s more fitting for my main blog than here, lol.
I think that covers everything!!!!
#intro#bokumono#harvest moon#story of seasons#looking for moots or whatever it is kids say these days
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Would you ever write a modern AU one shot/headcanons that would include Varang in any way? I don't think I've seen anyone write anything about her in the modern world. Can you see any universe where she would date Quaritch and be Spider's stepmother?
I’m not opposed to it and as I thought about your ask I definitely got ideas that I’m excited to share!
First I’m personally not into the idea of Quaritch and Varang getting together. I think she’s going to be way more crazy and evil than he is pushing Quaritch more towards the good guys. I don’t think he going to have a redemption arc by any means (nor does he deserve one) but I think for the sake of Spider he’ll be a begrudging anti hero. Also I can’t deny despite the fact the actors are playing characters that our roughly in the same physical age range I can’t separate the actors massive age gap from their characters. If they got together I’d just be thinking about how someone in their thirties is making out with someone in their seventies and cringe. So yeah I just don’t want to see that.
As for some modern au ideas:
So I don’t think I’m really theorizing when I say Varang is going to be a cult leader. It seems pretty clear from everything we’ve learned.
So in a modern a.u she’d still be a cult leader. She runs a compound down in Texas that’s fully self sufficient and off the grid. On the surface it’s a utopia. She takes in every “lost soul” who comes her way. Drug addicts, homeless, queer people, gender non conforming people and just people disillusioned with life and wanting something better. And at first it is great. Everyone gets a room to themselves. They get to pick a job on property, farming, taking care of livestock, managing the power grid, making clothes, cooking, those kind of things. If they need medical care or mental health care they get it completely for free. There’s a real sense of community that most people have never felt before.
It creates the foundation for complete devotion to Varang. Varang saved you. Varang gave you a life. A family. And she is the head of that family. They worship her like their god every night. Listen to her preach about life and the way things should be. How the rest of the world is evil and cruel. How she is the only one that can protect them from that.
If you want to move up the ladder you have to show how devoted you are to Varang. The first step is getting Varang’s symbol branded on your body, typically on the shoulder or wrist. They wear bright red and all wear their hair in the same style regardless of gender identity.
Of course the cult gets into legal trouble every once in a while. Family members of cult members who are worried sick about their child, or sibling, or spouse and try to sue or involve the police to get them back. Varang orders her most loyal to send them a message. They send snakes and dead animals in boxes. Draw messages in blood on their driveways. Stand outside their work for hours to intimidate them.
Varang starts stockpiling weapons preparing for the day when they’ll have to make a stand against the government. It hasn’t come yet but they are ready. Ready for full on war.
As for a story since I write manly about Quaritch and Spider I have an idea set more in my Military Brat au where Quaritch is an overbearing dad raising his son as a single parent. He’s so strict and smothering that at age 16, Miles Jr, who he refuses to call by his chosen name Spider runs away from home. Spider having been raised like he was in the military is really good at staying gone, having no issue living in the woods, sneaking onto delivery trucks, trains and buses until he ends up in Texas. Quaritch is hunting him down the entire time terrified for his son.
While in Texas Spider gets found by a truck driver and the driver is pissed at his hitchhiker. Spider is running for dear life. The driver chases him with a gun. At some point in the chase Spider trips, falls down a steep hill and into the dense foliage at the bottom. On his way down his ankle catches on something and twists. Luckily he loses the truck driver but now he can’t walk. He wads up his shirt to bit down on while he sets his own ankle. Then he rips it into strips, takes some thick sticks and wraps it around his ankle to stabilize it. He painfully limps his way to the road. Cars pass him up for hours. It’s one in the morning he’s freezing cold and starving when a bright red car pulls up. There’s two people in there mid thirties inside dressed completely the same in the same shade of red as the car. It totally creeps him out but he’s desperate for help. He gets in the car.
The compound seems really nice on the surface but Spider’s stomach is still squirming. He’s immediately taken to the med bay to get his ankle properly treated. Then they show him to the bathroom so he can have a hot bath. A hearty meal and fresh clothes are waiting for him in his room. Spider stays there while he heals but of course he never gives into their brain washing. The nightly gatherings where they all worship Varang freak him the fuck out and everyone is just too docile. Like a heard of sheep. Once he’s fully healed he’ll run again. 
After some investigating Quaritch finds out Spider is there. He calls the cops to get his son back but they drag their feet. They explain to Quaritch that his son is in a dangerous cult. A cult that will violently retaliate if they go after them. The authorities know it’s them but they have no real evidence. But if they could get some evidence of wrongdoing then they’d have reason to shut the whole place down. Quaritch agrees to enter the cult to get back his son and find a way to shut them down.
Spider’s been there for months at this point and he’s completely healed. But when he tries to escape he’s caught and brought straight to Varang. Her voice is smooth like a cats purr. She seems so gentle and understanding. To the motherless boy it’s so inviting and part of him want to give into her. But theirs a cruelty in her eyes. A harshness in her smile that puts him off. He wants to try and run again but instinct tells him that’s a dangerous idea. He’d have to bide his time, be observant and wait for the perfect opportunity if he was going to get away.
But one day he’s sitting in his room trying and failing to read a book, daydreaming out the window. At first he can’t believe but when he realizes what he’s seeing he’s insanely relieved to sees his dad walking up to the main house flanked by two higher up. He almost can’t remember why he ran away as he races from the room. He’s scared of this weird creepy place and he wants to go home. “Dad,” he yells running up to him.
His dad wraps him up in fierce hug, sighing in relief. “There’s my boy.”
“This is your son,” one of the higher ups says, clearly unhappy and defensive.
“He sure is,” Quaritch says putting an arm around Spider’s shoulders, “of course I was terrified when I’d first learned where my boy had run off too. But as I learned more about your place here - it seemed like paradise. I want to start again. I want to serve Varang.”
Spider gives him a look that screams, “what the fuck kind of koolaid have you been sipping.” The higher ups are satisfied with this answer though. But this is such a strange situation for them that they take father and son right to Varang.
The woman stoically takes them both in as a subordinate whispers in her ear. There’s a sharp intelligence in her eyes as she mentally dissect them. “Well, now I can see where Spider got his good looks.”
Quaritch scoffs, “his name is Miles,” the boy’s shoulders slump, gaze going to the ground, “and he takes after my late wife not me.”
Varang clicks her tongue her eyes saying sure whatever . “It’s been a joy having Spider here with us. He was in quite the state when we found him…”
“State? What state?” Quaritch asks in a panic his attention going to his son. He grabs the boy’s shoulder trying to get him to look him in the eye. “Miles? What happened to you?” He mumbles a response making his father’s anger flare. “Don’t mumble, answer me like a man!”
“I just twisted my ankle!”
Quaritch automatically went into helicopter mode, “twisted your ankle! Which one! How were you treated! Are you completely healed?! I want x-rays! I want your medical record! I…
Varang clears her throat to get his attention. “Well I see why you ran away.”
Quaritch snarls, “he was just being rebellious.”
“Why don’t you let Spider speak for himself.” All eyes turn to him. Spider stays quiet. “Were you afraid of your father Spider?”
“What? No!”
“I’ve never laid a hand on my boy!”
Varang raises a skeptical eyebrow, “well how was I to know? People who feel loved, safe and supported typically don’t run away from home.” Quaritch growls. “I have a proposition. I don’t believe that you are here for the reasons you say and I do not believe that you are as decent of a father as you think you are. But I would love to be proven wrong. So, tonight, unburden yourself.”
“What?”
Spider’s blood runs cold. He’s heard people talking about the “unburdening”. You sit around a fire and tell everyone your deepest secrets. It sounds simple but he’s seen it at a distance and it looks freaky.
Varang explains a simple version of it to Quaritch. He agrees to go through it.
That night father and son are led out to a field. The fire is already burning bright. Drummers are playing a stirring beat. Varang and her closest followers are decked out in bright red but more notable Varang is wearing a terrifyingly impressive head dress while everyone else is in horrific masks. On instinct Quaritch pulls Spider into his side. Spider happily accepts the protection, feeling like he’s about to be a human sacrifice. “Sit on opposite sides of the fire,” Varang purrs. Quaritch is reluctant to let go of his son but he does. They stair into each other’s eyes through the flames. Varang throws some kind of powder into the fire sending up a purplish red smoke.
Quaritch wants to run to cover Spider’s mouth. The boy is asthmatic and this smoke could cause him to have an attack. But he stays put. He has a sneaking suspicion that some kind of drug is in this smoke. He takes short slow breaths. He doesn’t want to get so stoned that he lets slip all the reasons he’s there. “Breathe deep,” Varang says. Neither do. A whole ten minutes of pounding music go by, the others gathered dancing around them. Spider is so dizzy. Quaritch isn’t as bad but he’s feeling it. Finally Varang asks, “Spider, why did you run away?”
“Because of my dad,” Spider says his words slurring. Quaritch knew that deep down. He just made excuses for himself and blamed his son so he didn’t have to deal with the pain of rejection and failure.
“What did your father do?”
“He’s so fucking controlling! I feel like a prisoner in my own home. I can’t hang out with my friends, I can’t join clubs or go on school field trips unless he’s chaperone. He tracks my location. He won’t let me eat junk food. He has a schedule for every day of the week. It’s down to the fucking minute! I can’t even express myself! He won’t use the name I picked. I can’t wear the clothes I want or style my hair the way I want. He wants me to be a mini him! And I couldn’t take it anymore! I couldn’t….”
Spider starts crying. Quaritch’s heart is breaking for him. “I just wanted to do what I thought was best for you…”
“This is what’s best for me! I feel like you’re crushing me! You reject everything I want to be! Can you even love me if I’m not like you!”
“Of course I love you! Don’t you ever think that I don’t!” It has to be the drugs getting to him because now Quaritch thinks he might start crying. “Every day you were away from me all I wanted was to have you back. God, I laid awake all night stairing at disgusting motel room walls thinkin’ I’d give anything just to know that you were okay. I don’t care how you dress or if you go hang out with your friends. None of that matters to me anymore! I just want you to come home.”
Spider is sobbing now, “I want to go home too dad!”
“But you are home,” Varang says dangerously sweet, “right.”
Quaritch is having trouble thinking through the fog around his brain. Focus he wills himself. “Yes,” he slurs, “we’re home now. We’re going to start over.”
“Excellent.”
“No dad!” Spider shrieks, “I want to go home! Please! I can’t stay here!”
“It’s okay son. Everything is going to be okay. You’ll see.”
The ceremony ends. It’s eerily quiet without the drums. Everyone is still. “Help them to their new home,” Varang says.
They’re brought to a decently sized two bedroom apartment. The furniture looks like it was all made by hand. Everything is painted in warm dark browns and bright reds. It’s not super inviting but it has everything they need.
It takes a couple hours but they eventually sober up. The first thing Quaritch does is checks the place for cameras and microphones. Sure enough he finds them in every room but the bathroom. He takes Spider in there to talk.
“Let me get a good look at y’a,” Quaritch says gently. Despite their reunion earlier in the day Quaritch feels like he’s really seeing his son for the first time. He cups Spider’s face in both his hands. He’s not my little boy anymore. It’s a painful realization but he’s looking at a young man. He’s lost a little bit of weight without his father’s workout regime and hearty protein rich home cooking. He’s wearing ripped jeans and a band t-shirt. His hair has gotten really long. It’s pulled back in a ponytail but Quaritch takes it out combing the curly strands with his fingers. His son looks insanely uncomfortable probably thinking his dad was about to go for the scissors. Quaritch smiles softly at him, “it suits you.”
Spider brightens, “thanks dad.”
Quaritch’s hand move to the back of Spider’s head. He pulls him in close so their foreheads touch. “I’m so sorry. For everything. I love you so much Spider.”
Spider feels like he might cry again. “I know. I love you too dad.” They stay like that a moment before breaking away. “You don’t seriously want to stay here right?”
“Fuck no. But they’re not just gonna let us walk out the front door. This cult is dangerous. Even the cops won’t mess with them. So we need to be quiet and careful. We’ll play along. Get evidence of any laws they might be breaking. That way we have something to use against them when we escape because you know they’ll come after us when we do.” Spider nods determined for them both to get free.
They move to the living room where they cuddle up on the couch. Quaritch wants to see Spider’s recently twisted ankle so Spider lays it across his lap. He turns it this way and that determining that it actually was well taken care of. Then they just relax together, happy to be together again. It’s a nice moment of peace despite the danger surrounding them.
And I’m going to end it there! I know how I would end this but I always love hearing from people. You all have given me some great ideas before and made me think about things I never would have on my own so feel free to reach out. 💞
#spider socorro#miles spider socorro#miles quaritch#colonel miles quaritch#varang#my fanfic#avatar fanfiction#avatar modern au
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day 26 - belief in _____ @nosebleedclub
when you are both queer and you believe in god, god as both the individual and the church, one of those two teach you that you are inherently a sinner, and so you have to try harder-than-others to be worthy-of-jesus, despite the fact that they also teach you that you don’t have to do anything to be worthy-of jesus, because jesus came to save you. but you, you were born different; you were born strange, so you have to be a saint to be an average christian.
and so they teach you how to be holy, telling you over and over again that it isn’t kindness or compassion or belief or repentance. it’s hunger.
holiness is starvation, your pastor says to you, and so do your parents, and so does that random customer at work. so does your uncle at your grandmas fucking funeral service. they all say it, both out loud and without saying it. you can be queer as long as you never have a crush. never hold a girl's hand, or god forbid, kiss her. hate the sin, love the sinner.
you can be queer so long as you never use other pronouns, even if they make you happy. you can be queer as long as you're ashamed of it. you can only want what you can’t have.
and that doesn’t just go for wanting love or support, wanting relationships and kissing and vulnerability and someone who knows the color of your eyes and the things that make you laugh. you can’t want chai lattes, or coffee with more than a tablespoon of sweetened creamer, or eat pad thai even though it’s your favorite food on non-special occasions, because gluttony is a sin. you can’t sit down, you can’t stop moving, you can’t not strain yourself. that's sloth, you’d be a sinner. you can’t be too proud of a piece of art you made, or your grades, because pride is a sin, and if you are more of a sinner than you are naturally, then you’re the villain of this story. you’re disgusting. you’re a monster. you’re an abomination, in their words.
holiness is hunger. holiness is wanting. holiness is starvation, it’s denial. that's all it's ever been. that’s why you fast, that’s why you pray.
praying hasn’t been talking to god so much as it’s been begging for forgiveness for having a body for years now.
#ramblings of a lunatic#writerblr#the run on sentences go brrrrrrre#i don’t generally subscribe to most of this but i had about a month of people just being homophobic in my face and telling me shit#idk sorry if it’s terrible#religious trauma
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