#God I've written so much

[thedo0zyslider]

ITS MY ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY OF WRITING FANFIC!!! Thought I would celebrate by dusting off some of my old rottmnt drafts! Today and tomorrow are turtle story days <3

So for the anniversary, I present to you:

Overtime - 5k Words

After the battle with the Kraang, Donnie finds himself feeling very overwhelmed and out of it. Leo has no problem helping him through it, thankfully.

A03 Link

Donnie sat on the broken ground, slumped in a pile together with his brothers. The Kraang were defeated now, after who knows how many hours of fighting and a pretty big number of near death experiences. Raph had just finished giving them all the most bone crushing hug, which was okay by Donnie this time, not by all his injuries. Now the three of them sat there, recovering, and trying to summon the will to move.

Mikey was still holding on to Raph, as if scared he would leave them again. Which, valid fear after today. Leo was smushed into between the latter and Donnie, somehow still conscious after the final fight. At some point their hands had found each other, as the adrenaline started to wear off, and Donnie was gripping onto his sibling like a lifeline.

As the adrenaline started to wear off, and Donnie slowly came back to his senses, he felt two things. The first was pain, and a lot of it. Everything on him hurt, and it was excruciating . All of his limbs, his shell, his sides, absolutely everything . While Leo and Raph had taken more of a beating than their younger brothers, Donnie and Mikey’s wounds weren’t anything to be scoffed at. He had a good amount of cuts, most still bleeding, and probably some internal injuries as well. If he had to bet on it.

The second thing Donnie felt was the lingering, yet still there, sensation of the Kraang. How their tentacles felt against his skin, the sliminess of it. How squishy it was and how it felt around his arms. The feeling of being mind-melded with those foul beasts.The tentacles pulling him from the ship and the horror of it all. It made the turtle want to lose what little lunch he had left in him.

He suppressed a shudder, and gripped onto Leo's hand tighter.

There were….a lot of emotions running through him right now. Fear of the Kraang, for his brothers, for himself. Still lingering and now displaced grief for Leo. The fear of losing his twin, someone so close to him. The worry for Mikey when the leader Kraang sent them flying down to earth, surely to their deaths if Raph hadn't been there. Every single bad emotion he'd felt in the past twelve hours was there too, all piled and stacked on top of each other like a torture device.

But mostly it was still grief for Leo. Which is why he'd reached for His brother in the first place, and held his hand tight. To make sure he was real, and that this wasn't some cruel dream or hallucination. Please don't be a stress-induced hallucination.

“Donnie?” Leo mumbled after a moment, looking over at his twin. “You okay?” He squeezed his twins hand experimentally, slightly worried gaze boring into the other's skin. He was still worried for his siblings, even though he was probably dazed as hell and just as out of it as they all were. The idiot. He should focus on himself first, not his twin.

Donnie didn't respond verbally, because he couldn't, but he did squeeze his brother's hand back. He buried his head further into Leo's side as well, and squeezed his eyes shut.

“Oh.” Leonardo mumbled, going a little soft. “Yeah, I think I wanna do that too.” He tightened his grip on his brother's hand a little more, hoping the action was as grounding as he wanted it to be.

“Can I keep touching you?” He asked quietly, Raph and Mikey being forgotten for a moment. The other two were still nearby, and were aware of Donnie’s condition, they were just making sure not to crowd him right now.

Donatello nodded once for yes , as they always did when one of them got like this. Two nods meant no , and three meant that you were unsure of whatever you were being asked. The system had been devised years ago, when they were much smaller, and had worked pretty well. If one of them couldn't nod, they would tap or blink or do something else instead.

“Okay…is it the noise?” He asked, brows furrowing. He moved, so Donnie was more in his lap, even if simply existing hurt like a bitch right now, let alone moving . But it let his twin curl better, without retreating into his possibly damaged shell, and hide further away from any light or noise. Oh, Leo had forgotten to ask if it was light bothering him! Dangit

His brother nodded no again, and Leonardo moved onto the next option, other than the light sensitivity one. Donnie was also breathing normally, as far as he could tell. Which was good. So he wasn't having any kind of attack like Leo silently feared, something had just pushed him over the edge and finally overwhelmed him after all. “Do you need silence? Or is it the light?”

It took Donnie a moment to think, to really listen to see if the sound is bothering him. He doesn't open his eyes to test the light, so it's probably not that. Even if Leo couldn't have done anything about the sun, except for hiding him or getting him indoors quickly. After a minute, Donnie shakes his head no once more, and Leo yet again moves onto the next option. Which he will keep doing until he finds the reason for this.

And if there's no clear reason, he'll sit on this stupid island with his twin until he starts to feel better.

“Pain? Something else?” He hums, taking a quick glance of the wounds he could see on Donnie; the medic side of his brain already starting to fire up. Donnie nods twice for yes, and Leo gets his answer. And thankfully it's something that can be solved, relatively soon too if they're lucky.

“Mmm, okay.” Leo chirped, wondering if the pain was in his shell. He had heard something about it being exposed at one point, so it was a possibility. Hopefully, if it was, it wasn’t too bad of an injury. That was probably the case, considering how sensitive that part of him was. “Can you walk?”

Donnie does three nods, saying he doesn’t know, and probably doesn’t want to find out. Or leave his twin’s side. In response Leo just makes his voice sound as reassuring as possible, and promises something that’s pretty impossible right now. “We'll just carry you back to the medbay then!”

“Leo, you're too injured to even walk! You can't carry Dee too!” Raph protests, taking his eyes away from Mikey; who has now gone to inspect the oldest brother’s injuries in return. The Raph Cassum is already starting to form at the thought of the very injured Leo carrying his brother, and the leader can do nothing but sigh at the overprotectiveness. At least it wasn’t misplaced this time.

“One problem with that, hermano , he’s stuck himself to me.” Leonardo huffs, ghosting his free hand over Donnie’s battle shell. He knows it was replaced mid fight, and is now checking for breaks in the material. And if there was a break or two, he would check for any blood and cuts that might be exposed with it.

“Guess Raph’ll just have to carry you both.” The oldest grumbled, already looking prepared to scoop half his siblings into his arms. Mikey looked like he wanted to help as well, and then seemed to remember the state of his hands with a rather large pout. Poor little guy.

“Woah Woah! Are you sure you can handle that? You just had Kraang inside you!” Leo protested, finishing checking the battle shell. There was nothing wrong with it, but Donnie surely had injuries elsewhere. Not that he could see them, nor would he move his brother to do so, but Leo was pretty sure that some blood had been dripping on him slowly for the past few minutes. Blood that wasn’t his own. Fuck.

Raph snorted, and shook his head all determined like. What a big teddy bear he was, truly, especially for the three of them. Though he would never be quick to admit it.. “I've carried you guys home through worse!”

“If you say so….” Leonardo murmurs, narrowing his eyes. He was sure Raph hadn't carried them home through worse, even on the worst days of their childhoods. But arguing with his younger brother was not worth it, especially when they're both injured. That's something Leo has come to realize as of late.

Mikey interrupts their conversation with a loud noise. He bumps shoulders with Raph best he can, all excited over something. “Guys! April's texting me!” He nearly yells out, fumbling with the buzzing phone now in his hand.

“Your phone's still intact!?” Leo exclaimed, a slight smile starting to form on his face. His phone was absolutely broken, even despite Donnie’s expert tech, and had no idea what their other siblings' phones looked like. Probably not in good condition, if he had to bet, and didn't think that Mikey's was any better. “It's like, indestructible or something!”

“Yeah it is!” Mikey says, a smile faltering as his gaze moves back down to his phone. It looks almost…painful to hold it, with all the cuts and scrapes lining his skin. “I can't really…use my hands though.”

“Gimme the phone!” Leo said, making grabby hands the best he could. Well, more like a grabby hand , since Donnie was gonna be holding his right one for the foreseeable future. He was sure Raph could've typed to April just as well, but he was the leader now. And he didn’t want to worry Raph with the responsibility of arranging a meetup, not anymore then he'd burdened his brother already.

“M’kay!” Mikey said, reaching over Raph to hand it to him. The oldest brother let Leo handle the rest of their family, and turned to Mikey instead. Raph went to look at Mikey’s damaged hands, while Leo opened the phone and the messages that had been sent. It was a lot of April yelling at them in worry, so he chose to read only a few that he could give a concrete response to. And ones that would get them all home faster.

Apes: MIKEY!!! ARE YOU GUYS OKAY!?? WHERE ARE YOU!?!?!?

Mikey: HI APRIL this is Leo!! We're all alive. Micheal can't use his hands and Donnie’s a little overwhelmed, plus my whole body hurts and Raph’s like half blind rn.

Mikey: we're on staten island (ew) and Donnie’s clinging to me like a koala. And also we might not be able to walk

Apes: me and splints will come get you in the van

Mikey: thanks. Where's future boy?

Apes: he found us dw

Mikey: okay tyy. See you when u get heree <3

“She said her, Dad and Casey will come pick us up!” Leo said, looking up from the screen. He distantly saw April reply with a <3 of her own, but his focus was already away from the screen for the next little while. “You don’t have to carry us after all Raph!” He went to throw Mikey’s phone back to him, but then remembered the hand problem. Instead he gave his little brother a sympathetic look, and pocketed it himself instead. Mikey just gave a nod, and glared sourly down at his injured limbs.

“Uh good,” Raph mumbled, a little sheepish. “Because I wasn't sure I could do it.” He rubbed the back of his head, and Leo just snorted with light amusement. Good to see Raph back to his typical overprotective brother stuff, even after they had all almost died.

Leo gave an eye roll at that, and looked back down to Donnie. He would let Mikey respond to that for now, he had a younger twin to take care of. “You hear that, Dee?” He muttered, noting how his brother seemed to be listening in, despite his state. “April's coming to get us. And dad.”

Donnie hummed in acknowledgement, and lifted his head up. He was tired of hiding it like a baby. This also meant he had to open his eyes, and readjust to the dying daylight around them. But it wasn’t as bad as the aches and pain and the gross feeling that’s still all over him. He doesn’t really move from where he sits in Leo’s lap, nor does he speak, but he does look around while they wait for April and the other two. Mikey ends up sitting in front of all of them, looking for any matching scars they had from opening the portal. Well, all but Leo, who used to look on with an indescribable look on his voice. Donnie made the mental note to pick his twin’s stupid brain later, because they were all going to have to talk about it eventually. Even if none of them really wanted to…

It’s not long before the Turtle Tank has made its way onto the island, no doubt having to move carefully around all the rubble. It’s really impressive how fast it got there from town, actually, considering Leo had texted April less than twenty minutes ago. But regardless, three familiar figures step out of the massive van; Splinter ends up with Mikey and Raph, while April crouches in front of the wins after basically beelining for them. Casey just stands away, unsure what to do with himself for the next few minutes.

“Is Donnie okay!?” April asks, crouching on the ground next to the boys. She gives all of them a worried look, but especially Donnie, who is still hiding his face in Leo’s plastron. It probably makes him seem more injured than he appears, even to someone as close to him as April. Heh, if she only knew the beating Leo had taken just before this, girl would lose her mind.

“Yeah. Just overwhelmed.” Leo says, making no move to shift the other off of him, not yet anyways. Donnie gives her a wave, and she returns the greeting with a small grin and a wave of her own.

“Oh, okay.” April sounds a little relieved, before quickly turning to go and bark orders at the future boy. “Casey! Help the others, will you?”

“Yes ma'am!” The boy in question responded, doing so with a salute. The gesture looked like it was how he always talked to April, like it was muscle memory for when she told him anything. Another weird future habit they’d have to slowly beat out of him over time, Leo supposed. If he even stayed with them after this in the first place.

Leo and Casey exchanged a quick glance before the latter walks off, and well…it was sure something. He seemed familiar with what was happening, and with the way he never got too close to Donnie; like someone who’d never seen him like this might. He had to wonder if the future version of his brother had these moments in the apocalypse, and how frequent they might’ve been on top of that. He wonders if there was anyone that could help him like they’re helping Donnie right now. Leo really hopes that there was.

“Do we have any medical supplies in the van?” April asked, probably because of the state all of them were in. Nevermind what injuries her and the other two possibly had. Though they surely weren't as severe as Leo or Mikey’s, the wounds were still bound to be pretty bad regardless.

“I think D put an emergency first aid kit in the back.” Leo mumbled, shifting a bit. He sensed April was ready to get them all inside the tank and off this island. To be honest, he was ready for that as well. Also, Donnie was kinda heavy and laying on injured limbs, no offense to him of course.

April nods, and prods Donnie lightly in the leg. The latter rolls his eyes, and pokes her back playfully. “Okay, let’s get him in there then.”

Leo hums in agreement, near relieved to maybe finally have another person’s weight off his fucked up legs. Even though he would do all that again in a heartbeat if he had to, almost dying was just a real bitch. “Are you okay with being picked up, or can you walk?”

Instead of nodding, Donnie just decided to get it over with. He took a deep breath, before forcing himself to his feet. April jumped in surprise, and made sure he was steady on his feet. Though Donnie did have to lean on her shoulder just a little. When he was all good, April reached down to help Leo up.

The other twin took her hand gratefully, knowing he couldn’t really walk more than a few feet. All that stuff about carrying Donnie earlier had been fake bravado, mostly for his siblings sake. So they wouldn’t worry as much, so they wouldn’t know how much of a beating the Kraang leader had given him. That all seemed stupid now, because they could all see the way he was practically carried into the turtle tank like a child.

Once they’re inside, Donnie points to where that supposed medpack is. April nods, and sets both the boys down beside them. She halves whatever medical supplies are hanging around with Casey, and the two of them get to treating the injured turtles. Splinter drives, because other than April, he’s the only one who knows the route home. Donatello goes to curl in on his brother again, still having a rather tough time, despite the now dimmer light of the turtle tank. Though he doesn’t get to stay there for long, as April crouches in front of both the twins expectantly, first aid supplies in her hand. Ones that will have to do it for now, before they can get back to the lair’s medbay and properly treat their wounds.

“Can April patch you up?” Leo asked, moving so April had more room to sit in front of Donnie, but not enough to let go of his twin’s hand. The other still didn’t say anything, just nodded furiously and made a noise in the back of his throat. A very clear yes, considering it was the sensations that were overwhelming him in the first place. “Okay!” April said, her voice calm and steady. Like a real nurse or something like that. Something she’d be good at. “This’ll only take a minute okay? Just uncurl yourself?”

“….ine.” Donnie mumbled. He meant to say fine instead of whatever he’d muttered out, but the f sound had not come out. The turtle was still a little overwhelmed it seemed, even if it was slowly getting better. And by slowly he meant very, very slowly. He was hoping the first aid would help speed that process up.

“Hey, he’s back.” Leo teased, nudging him very softly in the side.

Donnie rolled his eyes and huffed, all his words coming out properly this time. Thankfully, them not doing so made him sound stupid. He hated sounding stupid. “Can it, Nardo.”

“You know you love me!” His twin shot back, a cocky look on his face. If Leonardo wasn’t in pain, he would probably be throwing an arm around the others shoulder, to be even more obnoxious. It was his specialty, after all. “I’m still mad at you, for the record Leo.” April pipes up, having carefully wrapped one of the larger cuts on Donnie’s arm already. She’d taken it without asking, well used to patching up her boy's dumb wounds. The disinfect stung as it always did, but it was better than leaving it open. Donnie knew that, though he still hated the extra flash of pain it brought to him in the moment.

Leo looked down at the tank’s floor, maybe a little sheepish, or guilty. Key word being maybe . If Donnie knew his twin, and he liked to think that he did, he probably didn’t regret that self sacrifice much at all. The dumb-dumb. “Yeah, I figured.”

“I gotta patch you up as well?” April sighed, scanning over Leo’s wounds. The external ones anyways. The tank goes over a bump, probably a piece of debris or something, as April moves onto the several cuts on Donnie’s arms. All either from the falling glass, concrete or whatever else. The others are having a quiet conversation, just like their own, on the other side of the van. Donnie is enjoying the reactive silence a lot more than he probably should, heart still aching from earlier.

“Heh, probably.” Leo hums. Donnie’s hand never leaves his, and hasn’t this whole time, even when he squeezes it hard in pain. Enough to hurt his twin. Yet they both sit there in silent companionship, as they are healed and driven home, surrounded by their big dumb family.

A few hours later, they’re all home and rested. The turtles are all hauled up in the medbay for who knows how long, injuries and broken parts of them being fussed over. April doesn’t leave, standing over Casey’s side as he treats them all. It makes sense the kid is so good at this stuff, since he survived the apocalypse and all. Though eventually Donnie, who’s still not done winding down, requests a separate room. Or at the very least his bed be put further away. He doesn't want to inconvenience anyone while they’re properly treating Mikey and drugging up Leo so he’ll sleep for once, but he doesn’t want the noise to upset him even further. But no one seems to think it’s an inconvenience, and April moves him away from the worst of it, as far as she can.

They sit together for a while, just sitting and laying together, before April has to go home. Her mom is worried sick about her after the recent attacks, and is blowing up what remains of her phone. Three of them do have to basically shove her out the door, threatening to sic Draxum on her, but she does eventually leave. Not without giving all her boys the biggest hug though.

About thirty minutes later, Mikey pops his head in. Donnie is sitting on his bed, humming and drumming his fingers against the sheets when he enters. He knows he needs to sit here to get better, and that logically doing so would get him back to inventing faster. But on the other hand, he hates sitting there with nothing to do or nothing to play with. It was driving him more mad than the lingering sticky feeling was, one that didn’t go away with most of his pain.

“Oh, Donnie! You’re better!” Mikey says, his usual cheerful demeanor a little dulled. Donnie looks over in surprise, not having anticipated a visitor. But he will use this new opportunity to his advantage, because he currently cannot walk very far. And there is nothing within reaching distance that will get the sticky feeling off of him.

He hates asking Mikey a favor immediately like this, but he thinks the other gets it. The youngest brother has his moments too, where the sensations get too much and he needs to scrub them away. Donnie would know, they both found out their least favorite textures through a lot of trial and error over the years. Like, a lot a lot. “Hi, I need hand sanitizer. Please. And something to fiddle with?”

“I gotchu!” Mikey said, and dashed behind the medbay’s curtain just as quickly as he had appeared. Maybe three or five minutes later, he was popping back in. It was impressive how fast the little guy moved sometimes. In Mikey’s arm was Donnie's preferred brand of hand sanitizer, probably straight from his room if he had to guess. There was also a chinese finger trap, probably also from his bedroom, and two stuffed animals as well.

“Where Raph?” He asked, taking the hand sanitizer and finger trap from Mikey as he spoke. He sat the fiddle toy down on the bed, and frantically opened the bottle as quickly as he could. Hand sanitizer, his sweet, sweet savior.

The younger hummed, holding both of the stuffed toys closer to his chest, probably to comfort him, if Donatello had to guess. “Resting!”

“And Leo?” Donnie scrubbed the gel-like substances into his hand, a lot harder than he should. But he didn’t care. It was making the bad and gross sensations go away after hours of suffering, which was all he cared about. As long as he didn’t rub his hands so hard he bled, the turtle would be fine .

“Knocked out on painkillers, behind that curtain.” Mikey said, moving one stuffed animal so he could point. The mere mention of Leo made his brows furrowed in worry, and Donnie filed that away for later. He would have to do a one over on his twins status as soon as he got the chance, if it was worrying Mikey that much. “He’s pretty roughed up, but Casey said he’d pull through.”

“Good.” Donnie hummed, now satfisted with his amount of scrubbing and hand sanitizer applied. He sets the bottle to the wayside as well, and turns hi attention to the toys his brother is clutching still. “Is that one of your stuffies?”

“Yeah, It’s Mr. Snuggles!” Mikey says, holding up an off-colored brown teddy bear the Donnie recognized from their childhood. It was so old the brown was turning a yellowish-orange, and its fur had to be unsoft now, but anyone could tell Mikey still loved it dearly. He holds out the other stuffed toy next, one that isn’t quite as old. It’s a purple rabbit with wiry looking fur, a pink nose, white markings and small beady, black eyes. “I thought you would like Bunbun, because he’s purple.”

“That is objectively the best color…” Donnie hums playfully, as if considering the gift. As if he would ever decline such a wondrous gift from his dearest Micheal. But he does accept eventually. “I’ll be very careful with him.”

“I know!” Mikey smiled, letting his older brother gently take the stuffed animals from him. “Mayhem tried to eat him.” He snorted affectionately, evidently having run into the little dog-mutant-pet thing on the way here. Because April had left her whole dog at the lair again, somehow. Or maybe the weirdo had wanted to stay with them, who knows. “Of course.” Donnie snorted, placing the stuffed rabbit in his lap. It was more soft and less wiry feeling than it looked, which was a pleasant surprise. He hugged the thing closer to his plastron, glad to finally have something softer than the crappy, horrible-feeling medbay blankets underneath him.

“Can I stay with you for a bit?”Mikey asked, shuffling even closer to the bed, and hugging Mr. Snuggles even tighter. “Everyone else is sleeping and I don’t wanna be alone.”

Donnie patted the spot next to him on the bed, feeling a fond smile slip past his lips. “Hop up here, Micheal.” He said, and his brother did just that, getting cozy right next to him, stuffed animal still firmly in his arms.

Mikey leaves, after a few hours of dozing off and goofing around, the best that two injured turtles can. When he does leave, it is to go help Raph and Papa with something. He says he’ll try very hard, even if his hands are clumsy and bandaged. Micheal scurries out, clearly glad to be helpful, and leaves Mr. Snuggles under Donnie’s protection for a little while.

An hour later, Leo is awake. And walking for some reason. Donatello finds out his twin is awake when he’s the next to pull their curtain back, and saunters towards Donnie’s bed like he wasn’t in the prison dimension less than twenty four hours ago. At least he thinks it’s been less than a day, the turtle lost track of time once the invasion started, and had stopped trying to track it towards the middle of their fight.

“Greetings Nardo.” Donnie says, taking in the state of his brother. This is the most injured he’s ever been, period, if the ungodly amount of bandages indicted anything. Holy moly that was…. a lot of bandages. He distantly hoped none of them were dirty, because of how hard they would all be to change. “Sorry for clinging to you earlier.”

“It's fine.” Leo shrugged, Donnie watching as his twin leaned against the side of the hospital bed. “I think I need that, something touching me that wasn't Kraang.”

“Well, I'm glad I could be of service.” He mumbles, and dangles a hand off the edge of the bed. Just like they used to do, when they were kids and one of them had a really bad nightmare. Leo puts his arm in the most comfortable position he can, and takes it wordlessly with a squeeze. “How’re Raph and Mikey? And the others?”

Leo recited their family members' conditions with a hum, telling his twin all the medical stuff he knew the other really wanted to know. “Raph has some eye and internal stuff, just needs rest and time. It's fifty-fifty on if he can use that eye again. Mikey is pretty upset about his hands, and he’ll have to relearn how to use them, but other than that he's okay physically. Casey said he had a lot worse before and that he can recover quickly, Dad just broke, like, most of his old-ass ribs, and April is in the best condition of all of us. Draxum and Cassie haven’t contacted us yet, so I have no idea how they are.”

Donnie took a second to process all of that, committing all those details to his memory for later reference and worry opportunities when something inevitability went wrong, then nodded. “How about you?”

“I shouldn’t be outta bed, but I hate laying there by myself.” Leo says, predictably not telling Donnie about his own condition and injuries. Which was fine, he’d find them out one way or another eventually. Someone needed to make this idiot rest, and Mikey and Raph didn’t have the bullshit wrangling skills you develop by being twins with Leonardo Hamato.

Donnie sits up with a huff, one of annoyance at his brother's carelessness. He’s covered head to toe and bandages, two of his limbs are in a splint, and he’s walking around like nothing happened. Does he want to not heal!? “Dumb-Dumb.”

“I know.” Leo snorted, leaning his head up to get a better glance at his sibling. “How do you feel?”

“Like shit. When're my injuries healing, dear medic.” He responded, looking down at his brother. He went to grab for the chinese finger trap Mikey had brought, knowing he’d need to stim with something to get through this conversation.

“Two or three weeks, give or take.” Donnie lets out a pained grown at hearing that, and Leo cracks an amused grin in response. Enjoying his twin’s suffering, how dare he, truly. What a cruel man he was. “At least you don't have to wait a month like me!”

“Yet you're still out of bed.” Donnie quipped back, giving the other a pointed look. He really wanted his brother to go back to bed, but knew that was a rare thing normally, and probably would be unlikely for the foreseeable future, until he was healed that is.

Leo cracks a smile, one not from joy, but something else. Something that shouldn’t be in his smile, and it hurts that it is. “Painkillers are a hell of a drug.”

“Idiot.” He mumbled, affection buried under the layers and layers of annoyance.

“I know.” Leo’s smiled faltered, and the frown that crossed his face was almost worse.

“Congrats on saving the world, by the way.” Donnie said, but the words sounded dead, even to him. He did mean it earnestly, a little bit. But he thinks the rest of him is still recovering from the…the everything and the feelings he will never know how to put into words. Because he’s bad with feelings.

Yeah. that .

“You're being nice, what's wrong?” Leo says, somewhat teasingly. He knows Donnie is upset, and is attempting the feelings talk. That’s why his tone is light, to make the process easier for his brother. For both of them. Donatello appreciates when he does that, more than he will ever, ever admit.

“I'm tired and thought you almost died, that's why.” Donnie snorted, his grip tightening on his brother's hand again. He didn’t want to ever let go, not after today, not after the prison dimension, not ever. He wanted to keep this dumb-dumb close and never let go, not until he knew they were all okay again.

Leo let a chirping sound escape from the back of his throat, as if he was trying to be soothing. It only somewhat worked, but both twins probably expected that anyways. “Ya know what, that's fair.”

“Stay?” Donnie mumbled, suddenly understanding how Mikey had felt just hours ago. He very much did not want to be alone anymore. He was finding he hated it actually, and probably would for the next little while. Without his family beside him, lord knows where they could possibly be, or if they were okay. Especially Leo.

“I think Raph would kill me if I left.” Leo giggled, pulling his one good leg up to his chest, so he could rest more comfortably. Donnie would let him on the bed if he didn’t have two splints and a scary amount of bandages that needed to be left undisturbed. “So yeah, I'll stay.”

“Thanks.” Donnie said, handing his twin Mr. Snuggles. He couldn’t keep two fluffy companions all to himself, now could he? And their owner certainly wouldn’t want that either!

“Don't mention it.” Leo took the old bear with a bond smile, and hugged it to his plastron, just like Mikey had done. Donnie did the same with Bunbun, and let the now comfortable silence fill the medbay once again, for what had to be the fifth time that day. Normally, he would hate having no sound, but some days, like today, it is nice to just hear nothing. To just be .

Donatello squeezed his hand once more, and Leonardo squeezed it back, just like he always did.

[sceletaflores]

come on into my bed with me (i know you want to)

pair: old man!logan howlett x fem!reader

wc: 4.1k

contains: 18+ SMUT MDNI, swearing, some sad vibes because i can't function without them, large age gap (but isn't that obvious by now? mid 20s/old as fuck), established relationship but only kind of, falls in the logan 2017 timeline but very loosely, LONGINGGGG, gratuitous nickname use (kid, baby, honey, ect), nasty dirty talk cause he's old and gross, not so dry humping, JUST THE TIP RAHHHH, porn w/o plot, no use of y/n.

nat’s note: this was heavily inspired by imogen heap's 'i am in love with you' because that song fucks so hard and it really gave me lots of old man logan vibes. i was just so overcome with nasty thoughts that the beat possessed me and i blacked out and listened to it on a constant repeat while i wrote this instead of doing my a&p work. kisses!

dividers by angel @saradika-graphics!

you can't sleep, logan left his door open...

Rain pelts at the smudged glass of your window, drops trailing down the span of the panes that you follow with your eyes.

It's been raining nearly all week, a rare thing in Mexico, especially somewhere as dry as Sonora.

You used to love the rain. You felt a special kind of comfort anytime night would come and there'd be a certain chill swirling through the air, that familiar scent of damp soil and wet stone rising as the first drops hit the ground.

In Sonora, rain is supposed to be a gift—a reprieve from the unrelenting heat, a chance for the dry earth to drink.

It should feel cleansing, like a reset of sorts, and maybe it would have a few months ago.

Now it just feels heavy, oppressive. Each raindrop splattering against the glass feels like a reminder of everything that's stuck, unmoving.

The soft noise of it was almost enough to lull you to sleep, but it was still no match for your wandering mind.

You’ve been finding yourself here a lot recently, shrouded in the scratchy sheets of your bed in the quiet dark encompassing your room, mind racing.

It was raining the first night he touched you.

You've been with Logan and Charles for nine months.

A runaway hitchhiker turned caretaker after you fled from the meaningless scraps of your life back in Texas.

Logan found you on the side of the highway coming back from a shift in El Paso. One stop with the hazards on and a hasty conversation through a rolled down window later, you were throwing your bags in the back of his limo and climbing into the front seat.

You didn't realize until much later that he never truly asked you to stay, or to care for Charles alongside him.

It was only supposed to be a temporary arrangement, a roof over your head in exchange for your help. Watch over his ailing father for a few days while he went out to get him more medicine, that's what you settled on.

Yet somehow, here you are, nine months later.

You cook meals in a dusty kitchen that always smells faintly of motor oil, listen to Charles’ stories about a world you’ll never fully grasp, and watch Logan patch himself up in grim silence after he’s returned from whatever trouble found him this time. 

It's strange how the days seemed to stretch endlessly, but the weeks have slipped past like a blink. You carved out a routine in this crumbling house in Sonora, built something that resembles a life even if it feels borrowed, like a second-hand coat that never quite fits right.

At first, you weren’t sure what kept you here. Maybe Charles. 

You warmed to him almost immediately, drawn in by his gentle demeanor and the way he seemed to see right through you without a hint of judgment. 

Even when his mind faltered, slipping into tangled memories or distant fragments of a life long past, he treated you with a kindness you hadn’t felt in years.

You’d come to think of him as a king, regal and noble. A king stripped of his castle, yet still wearing a crown, if ever so skewed—a king nonetheless.

You still aren’t sure, but you can’t shake the sense that leaving now would be like tearing off a scab—painful and unnecessary.

And then, one night, the rain came.

You remember it vividly, a torrent so sudden and unrelenting. The downpour soaking the dry dirt surrounding the plant. 

You couldn’t help yourself from wandering out, stood barefoot on the porch as the cool air nipped at the skin of your arms and legs.

“You’re gonna catch a cold standin’ out here.” Logan said from somewhere behind you, his voice rough and low after the silence of a long shift.

You hadn’t moved, hadn’t even glanced his way. “I like the rain.”

There was a beat of silence before he stepped closer, the warmth of his body radiating against your back. His hand had been hesitant at first, a brush of calloused fingers against your arm. 

You didn’t pull away.

The heat of his palm felt scalding, causing goosebumps to pebble along your damp skin. His thumb swiped across the circular scar just above your elbow, a cigarette burn, one of many.

He didn’t say anything as he turned and walked back into the house. You learned quickly that Logan’s not the type to fill silences with empty words, but you both knew something shifted.

He came into your room later that night. The squeaky mattress of your bed dipping under his weight as he slid his hand down your stomach, pausing just above the waistband of your shorts, a silent question.

He didn’t kiss you, but the rain pattering against the tin roof was enough to swallow your soft moans and gasps.

You settled into something undefined—a constant push and pull of need and silence. Logan touched you when he needed to, and you let him because you wanted to.

It wasn’t love, not then. It wasn’t even comfort. But it was connection. A tenuous thread in the quiet storm of your lives.

You figured that was enough.

The rain hasn't slowed. If anything, the howl of the wind is stronger than before.

The soothing rhythm of droplets hitting your window turned aggressively sharp, like darts thrown against a worn cork board.

The boom of thunder is nearly in sync with the pulse of your core, aching and insistent in its need.

It’s been weeks since Logan touched you last, his endless cycle of guilt stronger than it's been before. He’s never outright said it, but you know it’s there.

The silence between you both has stretched longer than you'd like to admit, a quiet that isn't comfortable anymore.

You know he’s got it in his head that he’s somehow taken advantage of you. A perverted old man falling weak to the pretty, young thing taking up space in the bed two doors over from him.

The thought stirs something deep within you, a mix of frustration and confusion. He’s not wrong, not exactly—but he’s not right either. You aren’t a child, and you aren’t helpless. You knew what you wanted, what you needed.

And that hasn’t dared to change.

You shift in bed, the sheets tangling around your legs as your body hums with a restlessness you can’t shake. The air in your room feels thick, charged, and suffocating, a mirror of the space between you and Logan.

He doesn’t understand that you want him too, that you weren’t some helpless thing to be protected or shielded from his darkness. It eats at you until your skin is practically buzzing with it, buzzing with the need to show him.

There’s only so much silence you can take before it becomes too loud to ignore. 

You swing your legs over the edge of the bed, the hardwood cool against your bare feet. You know it’s late, but you don’t care.

You walk through the dimly lit hallway, the creak of the floorboards quiet under you as you make your way to Logan’s door. It’s cracked open, a yellow glow spilling through to guide you like a lighthouse guides its ships to shore.

When you reach the beat up wood you don’t hesitate, you push it open the slightest bit, peering through the widened gap. 

He’s there, sitting on the edge of the bed, his back to you. He doesn’t turn, doesn’t acknowledge you, but you know he knows you’re there.

You cross the threshold, your heartbeat loud in your ears as you pull the door shut behind you, leaning your back against it.

“Logan,” you say softly, your voice rougher than you intended.

He doesn’t respond right away. Instead, he runs his hand through his hair, pushing it away from his face. The lamplight catches the sharp planes of his face, a familiar weariness etched into his features.

His fingers flex at his sides, and for a moment, you think he’s going to tell you to leave—to go back to your room where it’s safe, where you won’t make things more complicated than they already are. You almost brace for it.

But then he speaks.

“What’s wrong, kid.” His voice is nothing but a deep rumble, like gravel crunching underfoot.

You shrug noncommittally, hands messing with a stray thread hanging from the edge of your shorts. “Can’t sleep.”

Logan sighs long and slow through his nose, hands pressing into his thighs. “Thought you liked the rain.”

You smile faintly at the irony, chest swelling with something dangerous. 

You take a step further into the room, pushing yourself off the closed door. The familiar scent of him invades your senses. It’s a mixture of leather, earth, and something raw—something undeniably him. 

You stand there for a moment, letting the silence stretch thin and taut before you finally speak.

“Can I stay?” The words come out barely above a whisper, but they land like a crack of lightning.

You feel your heart thud painfully in your chest, not from fear, but from the sudden vulnerability that makes your skin burn.

The room feels smaller now, the walls pressing in as you step forward, each movement slow and deliberate. You stop at the edge of his bed, the sheets pressing against the bare skin of your thighs.

Logan’s gaze flickers over his shoulder, meeting yours briefly before he looks away again, like he’s trying to convince himself that the ache in his chest isn’t real.

“You should go back to bed,” he says, voice gruff. “It’s late.”

“I don’t want to go back.” You shake your head even though he isn’t turned around to see it.

Without thinking, you crawl onto the bed, the comforter making soft shushing sounds under your hands and knees. You reach out, fingers brushing the back of his neck, the muscles there tight with strain.

Logan flinches slightly, but he doesn’t pull away, and that’s all the permission you need.

You shift closer, pressing your chest against his back, and letting your hands settle on his shoulders. The heat between you is electric, charged with something unsaid, something raw and undeniable.

“Please,” you whisper, your lips brushing against the back of his ear, your voice a mixture of defiance and desire.

Logan stiffens, but this time, you feel the shudder that runs through him, the way his body responds despite the walls he’s built around himself.

You know he’s torn, that he wants to fight this. You feel it in the tension that radiates from him, in the way his body seems to be fighting against the instinct to turn toward you.

But you don’t care anymore. You’re done with silence.

Your fingers slide down his back, feeling the rough fabric of his shirt against your skin as you press yourself closer. Your breath is hot against his neck now, and you can feel the rapid pulse in his veins beneath your lips as you hover just above his skin, waiting.

“Logan…” Your voice is softer now, almost pleading. You don’t know what you’re asking for, but you don’t have to.

His hand comes up, brushing against your wrist as if testing, as if he’s afraid you’ll pull away. But you don’t.

Instead, you lean into him further, your lips brushing the curve of his neck, whispering into the tension that still hangs heavy between you. “Please.”

The last shreds of Logan’s resistance snap under the cloying weight of your touch.

He’s moving before you can even register what’s happening, rearing up with heavy hands that land on your shoulders to push you backwards.

You fall back onto the bed with a soft gasp, bouncing on the mattress once, twice, before Logan follows. His body settles over yours like a warm blanket, thick forearms braced on either side of your head to support his weight.

"Why couldn't you sleep, honey?" he asks, dark eyes boring into yours intense enough to get your stomach churning. The green of them is deeper than normal, like fresh moss growing over stone.

“I was thinking,” you whisper, breathless. Your pulse races beneath your skin, you wonder distantly if he can hear it too.

“Thinkin’ about what?” he presses, breath fanning over your lips temptingly. 

Your brows furrow, a soft noise escaping you. You can't help but tell the truth. “About you.”

Logan hums, eyes trailing along your face slowly. He slots a knee between your thighs, groaning softly at the wet heat that seeps through to his jeans.

You gasp, hips bucking down instinctively. Your pussy aches desperately, leaking arousal into the cotton gusset of your panties.

His jaw clenches at the sound, muscle ticking just beneath the grey of his beard. “Is that right? You been layin' in that bed, thinkin' about me, gettin’ all worked up?"

Your face burns under his scrutiny, but you don’t shy away. You arch your back, pressing yourself as close to him as possible, letting the heat of your body speak for you.

“Yeah,” you breathe, the confession trembling on your lips. “I need you, it hurts.”

Logan exhales sharply, like the words knocked the air out of him. His hands slide from your shoulders, rough palms gliding down the skin of your arms before settling right under the swell of your breasts.

“Where’s it achin’, baby?” he asks softly, words almost getting lost in the dark of the room. “Show me.”

You let out a soft breath, reaching down to take his hand in yours.

Without breaking eye contact, you guide his hand down your trembling body until his palm rests over the apex of your thighs, where the damp fabric of your shorts clings to your swollen folds.

“Here,” you whisper, voice barely audible above the rain pounding against his window.

A low growl rumbles from deep in his chest, and his fingers press more firmly against you, feeling the slick heat that’s soaked through the thin cotton. His eyes darken further, the green almost swallowed by the black of his pupils.

Logan’s thumb drags over your clit, slow and deliberate, coaxing a needy whimper from your lips.

“Jesus,” he mutters, his voice thick. “You’re drippin’ for me, aren’t you? Didn’t even need to touch you, and you’re already so fuckin’ wet.” 

You whimper softly, bucking your hips against his hand, desperate for more.

"I've been like this all night," you admit, your voice going high and needy. "Thinking about how good you make me feel. How much I want you."

Logan’s eyes lock onto yours, and there’s something new swirling through them, something you’ve never seen before.

A beat passes—too long—almost agonizing. His free hand lifts from your hip, gently cupping your cheek, fingers brushing against your skin, like he isn’t sure if he has the right to touch you like this. 

His thumb brushes your lip, his gaze flicking to your mouth before returning to your eyes, asking for permission, even though neither of you had ever really needed it before.

"Logan," you say, the sound a little breathless, unsure of how to navigate this sudden shift, but he doesn’t keep you waiting.

He closes the distance in a heartbeat, lips crashing into yours with a ferocity you didn’t expect.

It’s like the world around you falls away, leaving only the warmth of his lips, the taste of him, and the pressure of his body against yours. The raging storm outside dulling until it’s nothing but fuzzy background noise.

His kiss is rough, deep, urgent, but there’s something more in it, a slow unraveling. Like he’s trying to carve himself into you, a permanent mark, a reminder that he was here, even if he never says it out loud.

Logan tastes like rich smoke and whiskey, the sharp edge of him mixing with the sweet burn of need. It sends your head reeling, arms coming up to circle around his neck.

You can’t find the words to describe it, not with the way his fingers slide through the wetness gathering at your entrance, sending jolts of pleasure straight to your core.

Your hips thrust upward, begging for more, your body hungry for the release he’s just out of reach of giving.

“Want you inside me, Logan,” you moan desperately, slick lips brushing his with every word. “Please.”

Logan's body stiffens against yours at the sound of your pleading, his grip tightening on your cheek like he's trying to anchor himself in the reality of what you're asking.

“Shit,” he growls under his breath, his forehead pressing to yours as he closes his eyes. His chest heaves, the tension in his body palpable. "I—" he pauses, struggling to form the words, but you can see it in his eyes. He's conflicted, desperate, yet still hesitant.

You move against him, your body restless, your need undeniable, feeling the rigid outline of his hard cock pressed firmly against your thigh. A thick plane of heat that has your pussy clenching around the tips of his fingers.

You don’t want to push him, not anymore. But you’re past the point of waiting for permission.

Your lips meet his again, softer this time, coaxing, until he finally gives in, groaning against your mouth as he kisses you back with an intensity that steals your breath.

“I want to feel you,” you whisper, your hands trailing down to the hem of his shirt, pushing it over the swell of his pecs. 

His skin is hot under your fingertips, rough and familiar. Your fingers trail lightly across his chest, nails scratching through the salt and pepper hair dusted across his skin as you urge him closer.

“Just the tip,” Logan mutters under his breath, barely above a whisper. His voice hoarse, like he’s bargaining with himself. “Just to make you feel good, but that’s it, understand?”

You bite your lip, the edge of frustration gnawing at you. It’s not everything you need, not everything you want, but it's something. And right now, it’s enough.

You nod your head, hands already moving to the front of his jeans. You undo the button with shaking fingers, tugging the zipper down and pushing the worn denim away. 

His cock springs free, already hard, leaking with the same desperation you feel. You run your fingers along his length, feeling the heat of him, the steady throb of his pulse.

Logan peels down the thin layer of your shorts, cursing under his breath when he finds you completely bare underneath, your slick pussy shining under the dim light.

You watch him, chest heaving, as he stares down at you—his eyes dark and full of something primal, something raw.

“Fuck,” he breathes, his fingers tracing the outline of your wetness. He groans low in his throat, his thumb circling your clit once before moving down, dipping inside you just barely. “You’re perfect, baby.”

“Logan,” you whine, thighs spreading in a clear invitation. You patience is running exceedingly thin, your whole body alight with the feeling of a raging forest fire

“I know,” he mutters, placating. He takes the throbbing length of his cock in his hand, swiftly settling between your legs. “I know.”

The thick head drags through your folds, smearing pre-come along your skin and adding even more to the mess between your legs.

A quiet moan passes through your swollen lips, your muscles tightening as he slides himself along your clit. A slow back and forth movement that sends sparks shooting up your spine.

Logan grits his teeth, his breath shallow, as he finally aligns himself with your clenching hole. 

The air around you feels charged, a taut thread stretched between anticipation and restraint. You shift your hips slightly, just enough to encourage him, your eyes locked on his as you beg him silently with your gaze.

Then, with a low growl that vibrates through you, he pushes forward, just enough to make you gasp in relief, the head of his cock sliding home in your entrance.

And though it’s only the tip, the sensation of him inside you is enough to set your world alight. 

You can feel it, deep in your bones—the simmering, searing heat that makes everything else fade into the background.

Logan presses his lips to your forehead, his breath hot against your skin as he keeps his movements slow, deliberate, his hands holding your hips steady. "This is what you wanted, huh? Got you begging for it, honey," he growls softly. "Even if I’m only givin’ you a taste."

His hips roll languidly, staying true to his word and never sinking deeper than the thick head of his cock. His hand grips the base tightly, his fist fucking slow strokes over the length of himself to where he’s spreading your pussy open.

His scarred knuckles bump against your clit with every stroke, fanning the fire building in your lower stomach.

“Feel so fuckin’ good, honey,” he groans into the skin of your neck, the pace of his hips speeding up ever so slightly. “Feels like heaven.”

You claw at the skin of his back, touch wild and desperate. It takes everything in you not to shift your hips down, to sheath the rest of his cock deep inside your and lock your ankles around his back so he can never leave again.

Logan’s lips find your neck, teeth grazing your skin as he shifts against you. “Tell me you want this,” he says, his voice low, almost a command, yet laced with something tender. “Tell me you want me.”

You meet his gaze without hesitation, your voice steady despite the tremble in your chest. “I want you. I’ve always wanted you.” 

The words come out without thought, raw and honest, and you see something in his eyes shift—a flicker of relief, of something deeper than lust.

Logan groans like he got shot, his body shuddering above you as a low growl tears its way from his chest. He fucks into you faster, short, quick thrusts that steal all the breath from your lungs.

Sparks go off behind your closed eyes, bright white and glittering. You can feel yourself getting closer, your body trembling as you grind up against him, meeting him halfway, needing more, needing release.

“Logan,” you gasp, your hands gripping his shoulders harder, nails digging in. “I’m so close. Please—”

“Let go,” he growls, his pace increasing, his body pressing harder against yours. “Come for me, sweetheart.”

With his command, you unravel, the world spinning around you as the pleasure crashes over you, leaving you breathless, gasping for air, your body quivering beneath him as he holds you through it.

Logan follows, tearing himself from the tight grip of your pussy with a sharp jerk of his hips, your name falling from his lips like a prayer as he shoots thick ropes of come over your slick folds.

Your body shakes at the feeling, a breathless whimper pulled from your slack lips at the sticky warmth of his release.

He collapses onto the mattress next to you, his body shuddering enough to match your own. The room falls into a deep silence, the only sounds your mingling breaths and the distant sound of thunder.

A sick sort of dread bursts through the sweet afterglow of your hazy mind, settling in your stomach like a lead weight. You think that this is the moment where Logan will realize what you’ve done, that he’ll retreat back into himself and send you away.

Send you back to your own room and leave you to lay in the cold aftermath of your own recklessness.

You brace for it, the instinct to pull away, to protect yourself from his withdrawal, but it never comes. 

Instead, you feel his strong arm slide over your waist, pulling you closer, his body heat a stark contrast to the chill creeping in from the window.

His breath is warm against your neck as he shifts, his fingers tracing absent circles on your skin in a move that’s so endearingly human it has your chest aching.

"Stay here tonight?" he asks, his voice rough, almost a whisper.

Your heart clenches, tears burning at your waterline at the vulnerability of his tone. It breaks the dam inside you, relief and something dangerously close to love flooding your body in a bursting rush of water.

“Of course,” you murmur, your voice shaky.

Logan’s hand tightens around you, his thumb brushing over your ribs. He presses a soft kiss to the bare skin of your shoulder, settling onto the mattress with a slow breath.

You drift to sleep more relaxed than you’ve felt in years, even with the knowledge of the slow journey that lies ahead of you. It won’t be easy, it never is with Logan. You can’t find it in yourself to care.

Because even though the rain falls, the desert doesn’t bloom overnight. 

And neither do you.

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[fanvoidkeith]

sometimes family is a regular man, his surprisingly smart (and capricious) cat, his phoenix husband, the antichrist, an amorphous slime boy, a nature sprite, a gnome, a wyvern, a shapeshifter, a yeti, a much older and more powerful nature sprite, and her girlfriend the mayor

[iwritenarrativesandstuff]

On Kurapika's Self-Imposed Isolation

While I recognize that probably everything I'm about to say is going to be super obvious, I just wanted to briefly touch on Kurapika's self-isolation, and the reason behind his not picking up his phone or exchanging anything more than clipped words and business after Yorknew.

I think the obvious answer is that Kurapika doesn't want his friends in harms way, or to be used as a bargaining tool against him. This is an understandable and probably accurate conclusion. After all, Gon and Killua did get taken hostage, and Kurapika was forced to negotiate an exchange. Chrollo picked up on Kurapika's "weakness" right away - that he values his friends' safety before his revenge. Fortunately for Kurapika in this situation, Pakunoda was a whole lot more similar to him than he would've cared to admit, as she placed a value on Chrollo's life even though everyone in the Spider was intended to be replaceable. So, now that he's been through Gon and Killua having potentially gotten killed or seriously hurt, and Chrollo knows that he has a soft spot for them, it does make sense that he would try to push them away for their safety and for the sake of not having an exploitable "weakness" in future. He may also not want to burden them more when they have their own lives to live - he does slip off without telling Gon and Killua for the sake of not distracting them from Nen training, after all.

Except that he already tried all this earlier in Yorknew arc. He tried to tell them they shouldn't get involved, and they all agreed that the risks were massive - but his friends agreed to undergo the risks anyways to help him. Kurapika was even grateful for it - "I have been blessed with good friends."

So, for him to push them away solely for this reason after the fact, knowing that this was very much a likely situation to happen, is a little odd to me. Kurapika knows full well that Leorio would be frustrated, Killua would be offended and Gon would worry. So, I think there's a little more to it than that, and I actually would venture to say that "keeping his friends out of danger" is more a secondary reason for his actions - one that would come across as more of a reasonable excuse to others.

The primary reason is likely a lot more selfish than that. Kurapika has to ensure his mission comes first. And unfortunately, he is fully aware that his path and choice in abilities is deeply self-destructive.

Kurapika needs to make sure that he doesn't have exploitable weaknesses, sure, but he also just as much needs to purposefully worsen his headspace - and he can't do that with those three around.

Think back, what are the happiest moments we see from Kurapika in the series? The one that comes to mind first, and the one I'm sure most of us will think of immediately, is this:

[ID: A screenshot from the 2011 anime adaptation. Kurapika smiles - he looks at ease. End ID.]

It's one of the sweetest scenes of the series imo, right before the whole group is reunited for the first time since the Zoldyck Family arc, and it's even more notable because it comes immediately on the tail end of this...

[ID: Three panels from HxH Chapter 101. Kurapika removes his contacts over the sink. His expression is distant. End ID.]

...and this...

[ID: A panel from HxH Chapter 101. A close up of Kurapika's vacant and furious expression, his eyes wide and dangerous as he says "It might as well be you." Though the art is in black and white, it's apparent his eyes have gone scarlet. End ID.]

...and this.

[ID: A panel from HxH Chapter 101. A distant Kurapika speaks on the phone on a rooftop at night, the cityscape of Yorknew around him dark, but speckled with lights and stars. He says "The Spiders are dead." His face is not visible to the reader. End ID.]

This is, up to this point in the series, Kurapika at his lowest. In contrast to Gon, who is happy to hear that the Spiders are dead already because now Kurapika can focus solely on finding his peoples' eyes, Kurapika... is clearly not happy - and that's because killing the Spiders himself isn't just revenge. It's penance. It's survivor's guilt. Kurapika's powers, which Izunavi even comments sound much like he is chaining himself in the process of chaining his enemies, are oh-so-beautifully prophecied to destroy him - and Kurapika was aware of this from the moment he set off down this path of revenge.

(As a side note, this is why I'm really hoping we see Gon and Kurapika interact again after the Chimera Ant arc - while Gon has always been pretty attentive to Kurapika's emotional state, in Yorknew, he lacks a true understanding of why Kurapika would go so far... but as of now, he understands rage fueled by guilt and grief all too well. I know we're all rooting for Leorio to reach Kurapika, but barring that, I really think Gon could get through to him - after all, they are similar in several ways, and I find it fairly apparent that Gon reminds Kurapika of Pairo.)

But back to the main point here - I do suspect Kurapika expects (if not wants) his revenge mission to destroy him. I think a lot of times, we forget just how young Kurapika is, and how much his character is dictated by honour, and the abandonment of it.

Certainly, he can and will go against his principles for the sake of his mission... yet, almost paradoxically, he's bound to his promise to his fallen clan; a promise to avenge them made in anger.

But Kurapika... doesn't come across as a naturally angry person to me at all.

He seems like the stoic, vengeful type on his initial introduction... and then we get his panic at Gon's recklessness

[ID: A panel from HxH Chapter 2. Kurapika and Leorio wear matching expressions of panic in front of Gon, calling him out for his recklessness. End ID.]

...and his near-immediate forgiveness of Leorio after getting the first inkling of his character - of someone who cares just as fiercely as he does.

And after that point? Almost all through the Hunter Exam? Kurapika smiles so readily at them. He's sharp and funny. He mediates at times, but is stubbornly prideful in others. He's very amused by his friends' antics, and it really does seem like he starts to enjoy himself, with them. And, more than that, he counters Leorio's initial impression of him as an independent loner - on several occasions. He decides to follow Gon because Gon intrigues him. Asides from Gon, it is Kurapika who is the most unwilling to fight each other at the bottom of Trick Tower. Kurapika who makes the first move to team up with Leorio, even though that arrangement benefits Leorio much more than it does him. Kurapika who refuses to abandon Leorio to his fate in the cave, and who checks on Gon after noticing his bad mood. Who was furious enough watching him get beat down by Hanzo that his eyes went scarlet for the first and only instance outside of Spider mentions and Emperor Time. Who quite readily detoured to help rescue Killua.

[ID: Three screenshots from the 2011 adaptation Hunter Exam arc. In the first, Kurapika smiles at a sleeping Leorio. In the second, Kurapika stifles laughter as he pretends he's asleep. In the third, Kurapika has an open-mouthed smile as he acquires the airship tickets for them, Leorio and Gon standing behind him. End ID.]

Look at him! He's so bright! So happy!

...too happy. Too happy to do what he promised himself he would do. And that's his biggest fear, isn't it. Without his rage... what is he left with?

[ID: A panel from HxH chapter 2. A close up of Kurapika's eye as he says "I do not fear death. What I fear is that my rage will one day fade away." End ID.]

Kurapika is far, far less mired in anger when he's with his friends. I actually dare to say that at certain points, he was able to go for lengths of time without thinking much about it - alternating between almost forgetting in one instance and being hit like a sledgehammer on exposure to a reminder in the next. This violent swing is... actually the beginnings of the natural process of healing from loss and trauma. But to Kurapika, who's made a promise to his people's memories, this is not a relief. This is betrayal.

I think that actually scares him, that he can almost picture it. A life beyond his guilt. That he, too, could learn to be happy, even after unimaginable loss.

And so, as Kurapika continues his mission offscreen, finding more and more gruesome reminders of the cruelty inflicted on his people and losing more and more pieces of himself in the process (in his own words, no less), he prioritizes his responsibility to them, and pushes away his distractions. He cannot be a soul at peace until his work is done; he must be in turmoil. He pushes people away who he cares for, and binds himself, and keeps his people's eyes on him, quite literally, because respite, for him, is unacceptable. Perhaps that guilty part of him even hopes, by the end of this, that his soul will be so unrecognizable as to be fundamentally unsalvageable. But the truth of the matter is, or at least what comes across to me, is that Kurapika cares much more fiercely than he hates. He knows what matters most. And for as long as he does, he still hasn't truly lost himself.

[ID: A panel from HxH chapter 350. Kurapika looks down at baby Woble with a gentle, yet complicated expression. The inking is somewhat softer. End ID.]

Kurapika's soul is kind, really. And it wants to heal - but for the sake of his mission, he needs it damaged and bleeding. And so, he forces himself to exist in that pain. All alone.

[ID: A panel from HxH Chapter 344. Kurapika, dressed in a black suit, sits with his back to the reader, looking down at a photo in his hand. He is slumped a little before the church vigil he has prepared, all his clan's eyes lined up in their jars and honoured with flowers and candles. He thinks to himself "There is no home for me to return to... and nobody to welcome me back. I have nothing left." End ID.]

[allastoredeer]

THAT MOMENT YOU REALIZE ALASTOR IS ACTUALLY WAY SCARIER THAN WE GIVE HIM CREDIT FOR

So, in the throes of doing world-building for my Hazbin fics and analyzing characters and how they fit into Pentagram's political system, I realized not only how powerful Alastor actually is, but how fucking scary.

Now, yes, in the grand scheme of things, Alastor is far from the most powerful person in Hell. Far from it. The Royal Family (Lucifer, Lilith, and Charlie), and the Goetia are way above the Overlords. Our twinky, angsty, galaxy bird, Stolas, could 100% body Alastor. I'm sorry, Al. I love you, babe. But in terms of the hierarchal system, you and the other Overlords aren't influential to the rest of Hell, at all.

But, it's an entirely different story if we stick exclusively to the Pride Ring.

I'm not trying to do a big, essay-length analysis, that's a lot of work and I'm tired, so I'll try to make it as brief as possible.

We know three crucial things: 1) sinners aren't allowed to leave the Pride Ring, 2) they've built a semi-functional society for themselves that is exclusive to their specific ring (with a political system that they've molded just for them), and 3) sinners can't kill other sinners.

So, what we have here is a big piece of land stuffed with people who can't leave it, in a society they've built specifically for themselves, with an amassing population that is constantly growing because they have no way of dying/or killing each other. (Honestly, it's like Heaven was setting them up for an Exterminations - THOUGH I'VE ACTUALLY COME UP WITH A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT, COMPLETELY FANON BASED THEORY/WORLD BUILDING IDEA ABOUT HOW HELL HAD KEPT THE POPULATION DENSISTY CONTROLLED FOR THE MILLENIA OF COLLECTING HUMAN SOULS, HOW THE POPLUATION STILL GOT TOO LARGE AND THUS RESULTED IN THE EXTERMINATIONS, AND HOW IT WAS ROSIE WHO HAD A HUGE HAND IN IT ALL.

Anyway, back on topic, so the Overlords essentially control this Ring. We know Stolas lives in the Pride Ring (judging by the red sky we see when he's at his house), so its possible more Goetia live there too (and imps, and succubi; the Pride Ring is known for being the most diverse of the Rings), but we haven't seen any evidence of the Goetia, or any of the other Hellborn, interact or influencE Pentragram City in a political way--outside of the Goetia being above the Overlords in the hierarchal system). I headcanon that they do have some involvement in Pentagram City, as they do live there, but for the most part, the Pride Ring is left completely to the sinners and how they run things.

Lillith got involved, obviously (but she's been missing for years in the beginning of the show), Lucifer hasn't been involved for who knows how long, and Charlie obviously doesn't have a lot of sway, nor did she have any previous influence given how she's treated by the very people she rules over. Her status is known, but there's no actual respect for her or her title as the literal Princess of Hell.

The royal family may the the strongest beings in all of the 7 Rings, but outside of Lillith, it seems they had very little involvement (in Charlie's case) or interest (in Lucifer's case) in ingratiating themselves into Pentagram City.

The entire Ring is being run by the Overlords. They cannot leave it. The Pride Ring is their domain. This is their new home. This is their world.

And in this world, the Overlords are the top dogs.

So, Alastor is powerful just in the sense that he is one of the Overlords. Like them, he is essentially one of the rulers of their personal, caged-off little world. He has power and political sway. He joined the other Overlords for Carmilla's meeting, where they were going to discuss the aftermath of the Extermination and what they can do about the loss in the population (and thus, their power, given that owning souls is how they get it).

It's implied that this isn't the first time they've had meetings like this, and if they get together to discuss the best ways to recover from the Exterminations and make up for their mutual losses (literally working together when they could've all just been rivals trying to undermine the others to get more souls), who knows what else they've discussed in their efforts to keep Pentagram City running (especially considering that the best way to maintain their power IS by maintaining the city, it's people, and keeping it from falling apart at the seams. Taking care of the city is in their best interests - I use "taking care of" very, very loosely, considering this is still Hell and it's hardly the gold standard of utopia's). They're essentially a Board of Leadership with mutually shared power.

The Overlords have all the power. All the sway. In their established world, THEY are at the top of the food chain.

BUT then, you take into account that sinners can't kill each other (a rule that extends even to the Overlords), and that's when things get interesting.

In episode 4, "Masquerade" Valentino told Angel that he's "killed people for less" during the scene in the dressing room. But, in episode 2, after Valentino had torn apart one of Velvette's models, she wasn't upset in the way an Overlord would be if they lost someone under contract, especially considering that owning souls is what gives them power (and I assume that they own the souls of most, if not all, of the people they employ). She said that she can't sit and wait for "that bitch to pull herself back together," so, yeah, the implication is that sinners can literally be torn apart (even by the Overlords, who are the strongest among them) but won't die is immense. No matter what you do, a sinner will reform, or heal, or whatever, but they will come back.

So, consider, that there is only one person who's been able to kill sinners, permanently, and that person is Alastor.

Not only that, he killed Overlords.

In a realm where death is impossible, Alastor had cheated the system. And as far as we know, he's the only one who's been able to do it.

The only person I can think of who has something similar is Carmilla, but that's because she'd integrated angelic steel into her apparel. (Though, there's something to be said about her selling angelic weapons to the masses, as she is a manufacturer and distributor of them not only in Pentagram city, but all of the 7 Rings, (as Stryker had gotten his hands on a "Carmine blessing tipped rifle" to kill off Stolas, who's a Goetia), thus, sinners killing other sinners can still be possible, but that's only if they get you're hands on a weapon with angelic steel, or they're wealthy enough to buy onr, and I imagine Carmilla doesn't sell those cheap.

But Alastor didn't use angelic steel. He found a way to tear souls apart, where otherwise they were only able to be owned. Considering how terrified Husk (who is one of the most calm and collected people in the Hazbin crew; who had once been an Overlord, himself) was when AIastor threatened to do they same to him, like, that goes to show just how serious it is. He was literally full-body shaking. Ears-pinned back. Flight-fight-or freeze. Pressing himself down into the carpet.

We've never seen him like that at any other time during the show, even during the Extermination when they were all about to die.

Alastor's threat had scared him more than literally getting killed my an army of Exorcist's.

And like, yeah???? I get it????

That shit has to be terrifying. Not only for those that Alastor threatens, but for every single sinner in Pentagram City.

This random guy cheated the system, killed without any outside means, and if he can topple Overlords (the strongest and most powerful of them) almost over night, there's no saying what he can do to regular sinners. (Or what they think he can do, I have more thoughts surrounding whether Alastor would be able to tear apart a soul that is owned by someone else, but this is already getting long).

And, presumably, the only reason he stopped is because he decided to.

Like???? Do you guys understand what I'm saying???? For someone to have that kind of power??? In a system where that power SHOULD NOT be possible??? A power that gives him this massive advantage over everyone else???? That no one else can do???? And the only reason he doesn't use it is because he decides not to????

It's no wonder Alastor was so feared. Why he still is feared (by those who know of him at least LOL he has been gone for 7 years). And, like, yeah we see him be all creepy and scary during the show. We see him use his magic and grow into his demon form, and he is intimidating in that right, but I think the true horror of his character comes from this ability to kill the unkillable in a system where it never should've been possible in the first place.

That's where the true terror of the Radio Demon lies. That's where the visceral fear comes from. And it's why he's someone you wouldn't want to mess with, even for the other Overlords (especially for the other Overlords).

Like, it makes sense why he has such a massive ego. Why he thinks he can take on anyone. It's because he has. He's powerful, even by Overlord standards, and he knows it. And it makes further sense why him now being on a leash is making him unravel at the seams.

Am I making sense??? Is this all just meaningless rambling to you guys??? Idk! Idk. It's just been tumbling through my head, and it made me realize just how scary Alastor is, especially from an outside perspective.

I have SO many headcanons T.T I've done so much world-building, and I am have so much fucking fun. I feel like a kid in a sandbox. My brain hasn't stopped buzzing since this show came out.

Anyway, I'm off to outline more wips and work on the fics I'm writing. Happy Hazbin-ing to the rest of you.

[amethystina]

So my brain is at it again...

And this time it wanted to inform me that it would be very interesting with an amnesia fic where Ga On loses his memories but can still detect emotions related to those memories. Just imagine the possibilities.

Quick disclaimer: I'm sure there are several amnesia fics in the fandom already — maybe even one exactly like this — but I haven't read them so I'm just going to tell you all about it anyway because, to me, it's a new idea xD

Anyhow.

Imagine him waking up at the hospital, sometime during the later half of the drama (maybe he got shot instead of Soo Hyun and complications led to him getting memory loss — idk, let's handwave it for the sake of the scenario), and he's met by Soo Hyun and Professor Min. And while Ga On can't say what their names are, he can tell that he knows them. He can't access the memories but he feels the affection and the trust and accepts that they must have been a part of his life previously. And, understandably, they become the rocks he clings to because everything is new and confusing. He can still remember how to do basic things — he could probably even drive if they put him inside a car — but not who he is.

And Soo Hyun and Professor Min are going to have a rough time explaining some of it, no doubt.

Like, imagine the pain when Ga On asks where his parents are and even before Soo Hyun or Professor Min say anything, Ga On feels a rush of grief and anger. Because he doesn't remember them dying, but his body remembers the anguish of that tragedy all the same.

Some things are more humourous, though. Like: "... why is my face plastered all over the city? Am I famous?" Ga On would be so confused because the emotions he feels as he sees billboards with his own face aren't necessarily good ones. He mostly feels embarrassed and self-conscious. But he is kind of proud when he hears that he's a judge. It must mean he's smart.

Anyhow. The real fun part begins when Soo Hyun brings Ga On back to his apartment and Ga On is like: "Yeah, this is familiar." But he can also tell that, no, it's not right. It's not home. It feels cold and stale, as if he's not really living there anymore. And he doesn't understand why. Because, according to Soo Hyun, he's been doing so since he was a kid. But Ga On just shrugs his confusion off because, all things considered, he trusts Soo Hyun more than his own memory.

Also, imagine when he asks Soo Hyun if he has a girlfriend and she looks stunned, then awkward, then shy, and starts giving some mumbled response that no, he doesn't — at least not that she knows of. And Ga On has an "oh" moment because her behaviour makes it very clear that she'd want to be that girlfriend. But then he'd get confused because what he feels when he looks at her is a lot of warmth and love, sure, but not that kind of love.

Because this Ga On doesn't have years of memories to confuse him and muddle their relationship — he just feels the emotions. And, from his currently pretty objective point of view, it doesn't seem like romantic love.

He may love Yoon Soo Hyun very much, but he's not in love with her.

He doesn't tell her that, of course, because that would be rude, but he definitely makes a mental note to be careful with how he acts around her because he doesn't want to accidentally lead her on.

And it continues like that, with Ga On trying to navigate the world with nothing but emotions to go on. Which, obviously, will sometimes become very overwhelming for him, but he's stubborn so he'd still try and, of course, do his best to recover his memories. And some start to trickle in eventually, but it mostly old ones that are very deeply ingrained in his psyche.

Eventually, Professor Min decides to bring Ga On to the Supreme Court. Not to make him go back to work or anything — that would probably be disastrous considering the state Ga On is in — but to see if any of it can jog Ga On's memory. And sure, Ga On can tell that he's been in his office before and he can tell that he's met Jin Joo before — he feels both intimidated and bewildered by her — but nothing really stands out. All of it is just like ghostly silhouettes of a former life he knows he must have had but can't see clearly.

And then he meets Yo Han.

Just sees him from afar at first — Yo Han isn't even looking in Ga On's direction — but the familiarity still hits Ga On like a freight train. That is someone he knows as instinctively as he knew Soo Hyun and Professor Min. And before Ga On can really think things through, he just walks up to Yo Han because, clearly, this man is important. Ga On can tell that this man is important because his heart starts racing, his breaths go shallow, and he's suddenly overwhelmed by such a myriad of confusing and conflicting emotions he can't even sort them out. Some are negative — even outright alarming — but there's also joy and fondness and longing.

Which just makes him even more confused when Professor Min catches up and explains that this is Ga On's boss. And said boss looks at Ga On with what he first thinks is bland indifference. But the longer he stands there — and listens to Professor Min tersely explaining what they're doing there to Yo Han with half an ear — Ga On realises that, no, that's not indifference. There's something underneath it — a spark of something else he can't name but can definitely tell means something. And he desperately wants to know what that something is. He wants to scratch at it until he can peel away the layer of indifference hiding it from sight.

He needs to know.

But then, not long after that thought has crossed his mind, Ga On is reminded of the fact that this is, apparently, his boss. His male boss. And Ga On really shouldn't be feeling any of the things he's feeling. But, at the same time, he can't just ignore it. Because this is what a connection should feel like.

He might not have a girlfriend but, clearly, he has someone he's in love with.

And that's a little daunting, not to mention disorienting. Because Yo Han doesn't look approachable at all, and there is also a lot of frustration and anger mixed in with the much happier emotions when Ga On looks at Yo Han. There's just so much. And Ga On is confused because he can't really see himself falling in love with the man in front of him. Yo Han doesn't look like a very kind man.

And then, suddenly, Ga On realises that he has no idea if Yo Han knows that Ga On is in love with him. Maybe they're even a couple? It sure seems like they could be considering the attachment Ga On feels. He gets impulses to be physical in a way he hasn't with anyone else he's met thus far. He felt comfort hugging Soo Hyun, sure, but this is something else entirely. This is a need burning inside of him, urging him to draw closer to Yo Han.

He kind of wants to kiss Yo Han, right there in the corridors of the Supreme Court.

But Ga On can't be sure because Yo Han isn't exactly easy to read and aside from that spark of something when he looks at Ga On, Yo Han is impenetrable. And, if they were a couple, wouldn't Yo Han have insisted on finding Ga On earlier? Even if they have some sort of secret relationship that Soo Hyun clearly isn't aware of? Shouldn't Yo Han look more worried?

So maybe they're not together? And Ga On is just hopelessly in love with his boss? A boss who, judging by the way he looks at Ga On, might not even like Ga On.

Whichever it might be, Ga On realises he has to find out. His old memories are already trickling in, slowly but surely, but they're all of Soo Hyun and Ga On's parents and stuff that happened ages ago. And Ga On wants to know more about his life now. He wants to know more about Yo Han.

And he desperately needs to know if his feelings are reciprocated.

Even if it will definitely break his heart if he finds out that they're not.

...

SO YEAH.

It would be quite fun, wouldn't it? If I can find a way to make the story relatively short, I might just write it. Because I'm really intrigued by the concept of Ga On still having the emotions attached to the memories, but not the memories themselves. So he'll remember being both frustrated by and attracted to Yo Han. But without all the memories and years of influence from Professor Min and Soo Hyun fresh in mind, he wouldn't understand the negative emotions as much, nor put as much weight on them.

And it would be interesting to see how that would change their dynamic.

Because some of Ga On's behaviour would still be the same — he'd still be stubborn, righteous, a bit awkward etc. — but he'd also be freer. And a lot freer to act.

So that would be interesting, I think?

And now my brain will hopefully let go of this story and let me focus on other things for a while

[somegrumpynerd]

HEY. POINTS FINGER… any thoughts on how everyone reacted when the other joined the team? as in how did killer react when dust came, how did he and dust react when horror came, how did they all react when cross came, etc. i love love LOVE your bad sanses thoughts way too much they make me so happy. if i write hurt you write comfort and it’s awesome. also how do you think they slowly started to get closer? just.. bah give me your thoughts on them!!!! any thoughts!!!!!!!!!

You fool!! You’ve given me a chance to ramble about my special little guys and now this post will stretch on forever!! Mwahahahahah >:3c

No but seriously this is probably gonna be wicked long cause I have 1 million thoughts about these guys joining and meeting each other so uh, readmore for everybody’s safety and sanity

(^ I wrote that in the document before I started typing out my actual thoughts and uh

yeah no kidding, this is like a fucking essay so proceed with caution)

OKAY SO

I’ve said before that Nightmare got Dust for two reasons; one being that Dream had just recently started working with Ink (and soon Blue) so he and Killer were no longer able to gang up on Dream. He wanted somebody else to bulk up their numbers and give Killer a little back up. He also was starting to realise that Killer didn’t handle being alone very well, since this was when he most often got worked up and broke things around the castle (and sometimes tipped over into stage 3). Dust would be a perfect fit since he had the same amount of lvl and fighting experience as Killer, and since they were so close in circumstance they would be practically like brothers right?

The irony that he thought this about a guy he was recruiting to help kill his brother was apparently lost on him.

They absolutely hated each other. Like, it was instant. Killer saw him as a replacement, why would boss go out and get another sans - one with almost the same backstory as me - when I’m right here? Does he think I’m not good enough? Am I disposable and this is the backup for when I die in combat? He didn’t take it well. He took it all out on Dust too, not cooperating in battle, trying to start fights in the castle, etc. He couldn’t outright kill him because Nightmare had given him strict orders not to, but Killer loves a loophole. If he roughed Dust up down to 1hp and something else happened to finish him off, technically he’d followed orders.

Dust just straight up didn’t want to be there. Nightmare just showing up and yoinking him had worked fine with Killer, but Dust had wanted to sit in his empty au and die, he had no intention of joining a team or doing work of any kind - good or bad. The only reason he didn’t just lie down and refuse the entire time was that he had to fight back against Killer, as much as he wanted to die he refused to give this ass the satisfaction or lvl. He didn’t intend to be any help out in the field either, but again, Killer was making sure he got fired at so he had to retaliate to stay alive.

Eventually it got bad enough that Nightmare had to pull Killer aside and demand answers. In the year or so of knowing him Killer had never willfully disobeyed orders before, so Nightmare needed to know what had gotten into him. He dispelled the replacement rumour right away, he still wasn’t quite softened up enough to be sappy about it but he made sure Killer understood what a good worker he was and that Nightmare had no intention of losing him. It didn’t help a lot, they still hated each other for other reasons, but it eased a little.

Killer still had pretty frequent dips into stage 3, except now he would go straight for Dust usually. Nightmare had tried to explain what he’d learned about it to Dust, but he didn’t really believe that it wasn’t just Killer deciding to try and kill him for funsies. He only accepted it after a particular episode where he attacked Nightmare instead, which Dust knew Killer wouldn’t try in his right mind.

After he came back to his senses he sought Dust out. The air around Killer was very different after a stage 3, sort of sombre and almost calm, so Dust let them sit together and Killer apologised for giving him such a hard time. They actually talked for the first time in months while Killer was still calm (or tolerable, as Dust describes it), and it didn’t magically fix everything but, things were a little better. They still fought and argued and bothered each other but it wasn’t as sharp, there was a lack of real murderous intent in it all, and sometimes after an episode they would talk a little bit. It was the best Nightmare was going to get for now, so he took it.

They were still completely incompetent about taking care of themselves though. Neither of them would eat unless prompted and Nightmare didn’t have good enough knowledge of mortals to know when that should be to stop them passing out from hunger on the job. Not to mention the stars were now a full team, and with the way Killer and Dust would sometimes rather target each other on the field he could do with more backup.

Horror was the first of the group to get a choice in joining. Nightmare had taken note of how much Dust didn’t want to be part of things, and while it was in his best interests in the long run given his situation, Horror’s au was still mostly intact - though a little in disrepair. Horror was also the first in the group to have a good (and ongoing) relationship with his brother, so Nightmare knew he couldn’t just pop in and steal him, he had to be a bit more diplomatic with this one and offer a deal.

He gave Horror some time to think on his proposal - he would set up regular deliveries of food to Horror’s au in exchange for him joining their team - and was quite surprised when Horror agreed, with some stipulations. Horror was equally surprised when Nightmare agreed so easily to his terms (that he didn’t want his brother to know what he’d be doing, and that he wouldn’t kill). A little down the line the terms were altered to add that he would also be left to visit his au every week or so.

Horror was not impressed meeting the other two. He didn’t need his power as judge anymore to sense the lvl coming off them both, and given who they were working for he was instantly distrustful of them both (the uh, brother situation did not help). He was also in a place that had an abundance of food for the first time in probably years, so he was doing a lot of going hog wild in the kitchen and then getting very sick as a result.

Dust didn’t particularly feel anything for him. This guy hated him, sure, but it wasn’t forward and slashy like with Killer, it was just quiet loathing which was fine. That’s how Dust felt about himself so, y’know, mood. He did kind of feel sorry for him though, not just because of the whole famine and everything, but also because he was watching this guy eat like his life depended on it and then get sick and undo it day after day. He was the one who suggested Horror getting his food in moderation to Nightmare, which did help but was an absolute ordeal to enforce. Y’know how some people get hangry? Imagine that but you haven’t had a proper meal in years and now these people give you tiny amounts of food and don’t let you eat more for hours. The hunger mood swings were a sight to behold, you would never have guessed in those days that Horror specified not wanting to kill.

When his ability to eat had evened out and he was in better shape, Horror made a point of apologising to Dust for being aggressive with him. Over time he’d kind of softened up on him from his initial impression, since he could see plainly how wracked with guilt Dust was over his situation. It was a little easier to imagine that whatever he’d done was truly out of desperation and not just for fun, as Horror had assumed at first sight. 

They also both retained that classic sans laziness, so it was easy for them to share a space while saying and doing nothing. It made Horror the first person that Dust willingly spent time around in the castle (and vice versa since Horror was still largely suspicious of Nightmare and Killer - the deal seemed too good to be true and the stage 3 episodes didn’t help). As time went on, Horror kind of became Dust’s emotional support skeleton in a way. Dust had become quite averse to touch in his solitude and Horror very slowly brought him back out with casual gentle touches, until not only did he no longer freeze or stiffen at being grabbed but Dust would seek him out to flop next to on the couch. Horror claimed it was just returning the favour for helping with his eating situation, but really it was nice to have something resembling a friend here.

Killer, for his part, was going through This is My Replacement 2: Electric Boogaloo. Not to the same degree as with Dust, since Horror was quite a bit different, but Killer was still wary of this new addition. He didn’t really instigate anything though since, to be honest, Horror had the intimidation factor. He was like a foot taller than both of them, he had a cracked skull and completely different magic and it seemed like every time Killer saw him he was eating bread like a wolf eats a deer. So while he was going through his food moderating, Killer mostly just stayed quiet and kept his distance.

Horror had not softened on him like he had with Dust, since Killer didn’t openly show remorse. He still watched him with distrust, especially after seeing the way he scrapped with Dust for seemingly no reason other than for violence’s sake. Killer was still mostly targeting Dust in his stage 3s, but Horror had to be careful to stay out of his way since he was still working with much lower hp than the other two. What did start to convince him was seeing how similar Killer and Dust were after a stage 3 episode. Once Killer was slightly more composed (ie stopped crying), he became so tired and quiet and blunt about things he normally joked his way around. It was a little startling, but also started to bring Horror around to the idea that Killer might regret his actions too, just buried under several layers of whatever the hell is also wrong with him at any given time.

Killer and Horror only really started interacting after talking about Dust. Killer was asking how he got Dust to like him since he seems to hate everyone and everything else, Horror told him very pointedly it was because he wasn’t trying to kill Dust. Killer admitted he wasn’t trying to kill Dust, at least not anymore, he just wanted to fight for fun. It opened up a better channel of understanding, knowing that Killer did not actually have murderous intent behind his swings (stage 3 notwithstanding). It made it easier for Horror to occasionally get involved in the roughhousing which Killer delighted in, knowing that the other two knew how to hold back enough to keep him from dusting.

Speaking of stage 3, it was around this time that Killer and Dust made a very important deal. After a particularly rough episode with a little too close of a call, Killer showed up in Dust’s room and begged him shakily to make a promise - that if he ever got too out of control during one of his stages, Dust would kill him. He’d been told over and over by Nightmare that it was impossible for Killer to hurt him since he was immortal, but now there were more people around him where that wasn’t the case, and he wouldn’t be able to live with himself if he came out of a stage and found himself alone. Dust promised.

It’s also worth mentioning that, once they were all close enough to be on speaking terms, Horror started bullying the shit out of these two about eating. Now that Horror knew neither of them were going to kill him, he felt safe enough to pick them up by the scruff and set them at the table to say they weren’t leaving until they had at least a snack. He let them pick what they would eat - he wasn’t that cruel about it - but he had to see them eat at least 3 times a day or they would hear about it.

It was by no means perfect or regular, but after about half a year Nightmare finally had henchmen who ate food and worked together (mostly).

Now here’s the problem… I still haven’t really figured out how or why Cross joined the team. Like, obviously there’s some kind of point in the events of underverse where it splits off into an alternate timeline, but I haven’t really figured out where yet so. Leave that one with me just a little longer. Cross joins.

Nightmare really truly didn’t intend to take anyone else in. They were (mostly) getting along, they were pretty well matched to fight the stars, he had no need of more mortals.

…but he was also pretty soft at this point. Every one of them had taken a blow to his I’m immortal I’m an island I don’t get attached to others persona and he’d gotten pretty damn fond of them all. This was why when he felt the sheer weight of loneliness radiating off of Cross, he just couldn’t bring himself to leave him.

So Cross entered the castle. 

He did not particularly intend to stay or make friends, he was trying to get his world back and nothing more. He even revealed a little down the line that he outright refused to kill, and was quite surprised to find that Nightmare was fine with that. At the start he was polite but not friendly with the others and mostly kept to himself.

Dust, as is often the case, did not really have an opinion. Another new guy, this one was self sufficient and didn’t bother him so he had no reason to get involved. He was content to be in the same room as Cross but didn’t start up any conversations.

Horror felt the need to speak to Cross, since Dust would happily stay silent for years and Killer was, well, Killer. Horror was somehow the closest thing to normal they had, so he was the one that made small talk. Mostly asking what Cross would like for meals and encouraging him to pick something he liked when he got the answer of “anything is fine”. As Cross settled in a bit more and actually opened up, they bonded over being the only two to enjoy food. Horror made a point of adding chocolate to the stock they kept in the kitchen and making tacos here and there for Cross.

Horror was also the first Cross kind of warmed to, mostly because he was the one devoid of lvl and Nightmare had mentioned he’d also said he wouldn’t kill. Learning a little about his au’s situation only softened Cross to him more, especially seeing that he still cared a lot for his brother and was trying to protect his home (even if Cross found it unthinkable that he lived away from it). It was through Horror that he also got accustomed to Dust, how being quiet and distant was kind of his default and that he also felt deeply haunted by the loss of his world. They weren’t exactly friends, but it was comfortable enough.

So now boss had taken in another new person, someone who takes orders like a soldier and fights with knives and ruthless precision and aims to be his righthand man, and Killer was ecstatic. By now he’d mostly put his fears of being disposable behind him, Nightmare had gotten a bit less subtle in showing how important they all were to him and Killer felt confident he wouldn’t be replaced. Which was a little bit funny, because the only guy he didn’t feel threatened by was the one who absolutely competed for his spot.

Cross needed to prove he was useful, he had to feel like he earned his keep and that all the training and suffering he’d done was for a reason. When Nightmare sent them on missions, Cross aimed to be the fastest and the most efficient and to report to Nightmare without question. Horror and Dust looking on would have expected Killer to see this 100% as a threat to his position as (self proclaimed) Nightmare’s second in command, and to go for this guy’s throat when nobody else was around.

But Killer was fascinated. Cross was completely different from any of them, bar Nightmare whose au is a whole different kettle of fish, so he had a certain element of unpredictability to him. Horror and Dust were both based on classic sans just like him, so to a certain degree he knew how they would feel about most things and what they might say, the only differences being in what they had experienced through their own timelines. Cross was based on a swap sans and his au had taken wild twists and turns away from usual events, so Killer had to learn everything about him by poking and prodding for answers or observing from a distance, much like back when it was just him and Nightmare. Cross was something new to be studied and Killer loved taking notes.

Cross did not see this as friendly. He was competing with Killer for approval, not realising Killer was playing their contest like a game. When he saw Cross training he would jump in to spar for fun, but Cross saw his rival trying to get a jump on him and take him out of the running. When Killer would hang around and pester Cross in their off time with questions, it didn’t seem like someone taking interest, it seemed like someone being nosy and looking for weaknesses to exploit. When Horror mentioned that Killer was being surprisingly contained and friendly, Cross really thought he was fucking with him.

The first time Cross was willing to even consider this was the case was when his locket came loose on the field and Killer ran back to find it, since one of the notes he’d taken was how the locket wasn’t something Cross would play about (the same as Horror with food). It didn’t make sense for someone who was seriously competing to have him kicked out to just hand his necklace back, no ransoms or attempts to crush it to upset him, just some vague remark about “owing him one” and then right back to Nightmare for orders.

Cross had to give him something of a chance after that, Horror helped a lot by telling him “he doesn’t want to hurt you, he just doesn’t know how to be normal”. It was mostly a playful jab at Killer, but reframing their interactions changed it significantly for Cross. Now they were sparring playfully and having friendly competition on jobs. He wasn’t as put off when Killer went into stage 3 because he knew he could match him in combat and the others were always on hand to help restrain or distract him. Cross also took note of how Killer calmed down a lot for physical touch, not unlike how Dust had warmed up to Horror. It went a long way into not only making him a little less combative for attention every day, but it seemed to put longer stretches between his episodes (which Cross had also started tracking so they wouldn’t be caught out by them as much).

For his part, Killer has disobeyed instructions in the past to benefit Cross, usually ignoring the task to help him if he’s hurt. He’s also given Nightmare nudges towards praising him because he’s noted that that’s what Cross needs in the same way he needs touch (not that Nightmare doesn’t praise them normally, but when Cross is going through it and needs something). He also doesn’t particularly like chocolate but has made a point of not admitting this to Horror so he can give his chocolate to Cross.

(It’s also worth noting that Cross is the only one, besides Nightmare, that has been to Horror’s au. He offered to help out during the food delivery and got to meet Horror’s Papyrus (who he is a little intimidated by but ultimately friendly with, even though it’s a little weird since he’s a good bit different from his own Papyrus). Dust and Killer can’t really visit for a few reasons, mostly because everyone will notice their lvl immediately and know what they’ve done. Dust especially doesn’t know how he would react to having a Papyrus in front of him again and doesn’t want to put Horror's family at risk to find out. Whenever he visits, his Papyrus asks about Cross now and sometimes tries to make tacos for him (key word tries, he’s still a Papyrus after all). He may have joked that seeing Cross sometimes is “like having another brother but younger and less lazy” and when Horror told him this Cross may or may not have cried.)

And that’s where we are now!

They’re a very strange group who’ve been through some inexplicable events and have all changed each other in one way or another. And whether or not it can be admitted, they are a family c:

Now onto how Nightmare was made emotionally open by each of them!! In this essay I will no just kidding could you imagine this is already like 7 pages long

If you got to the end of this post please drink some water and get yourself a snack

[wayfayrr]

Ughhh the thought of a Link becoming aware and trying to get out of the game but the game crashes.

Imagine have that lingering feeling that there's something else beyond during his journey but focused more on saving Hyrule. Maybe it's just because of the whole ordeal, right?

When the game ends, it's at that moment he feels something pulling him. He reaches out but a sudden force pushed his away. What was that? He already defeated his enemy. Was there more?

Link would go through wondering once in a while what was that until one day he meets Reader and feels that same feeling again.

YO????????

oh the angst that could come from that, they're back to a normal life not knowing any better besides this empty hollow feeling that no matter what they can't seem to fill, like a puppet cut loose from their strings. It could be a trick from ganon or any other villain but he's dead dead and gone. so why does he feel worse for killing him?

there's two different paths that could happen after that I reckon, one where they're suddenly back at the start of their adventure and everything comes back to them (new game+) Or Linked universe starts, only this time the link that was aware finds that he's the only one (or maybe not) that feels like he's missing a driving force behind his actions but maybe he's just imagining it and should take zelda up on her offer of therapy, until you fall into hyrule, and suddenly it all comes crashing back and they're like a puppy being reunited with their owner never to be separated from you again, they'd sooner see Hyrule burn.

[crispycreambacon]

[Image Description in the Alt Text]

Ever wondered what happened to the puppets stuck in the Wondrium Arena?

So did the Professor and his meat shield/bestie westie, Ryan. Instead of waiting for an answer, they planned to get the puppets out of there. They even argued with God over it, or rather the Professor did since Ryan was too mentally out-of-it from the absolute absurdity of this situation.

And what did God give to them in return for winning the argument? A bus. To drive to the Wondrium Arena with. ‘Cause what better way to rescue a bunch of dead puppets than crashing a bus into their purgatory?

— ☆ —

I'm happy to announce the release of my first AO3 fanfic: Seatbelts, Everyone!

As you can see from the blurb above, it's a one-shot crackfic about the Professor and Ryan rescuing the puppets in the Wondrium Arena by crashing a bus into it. 'Cause why not?!

This fic has it all! We got:

Ryan learning how to drive a bus via WikiHow!

God being the absolute worst!

Silly puppet interactions!

Existential crises occuring throughout the fic!

An honestly heart-warming ending?

Y'all the line between silly jesting and sincere genuineness is so blurry in this fic. So if that all sounds like a jam of a time, you can read the fic via clicking here! Or clicking the title. Or searching up "Seatbelts, Everyone!" by crispycreambacon on AO3.

Thank you so much for checking it out! And even if you don't, I hope you enjoyed the comic. May you all have a fantabulous day!

[letmetellyouaboutmyfeels]

“Hey look at that chapter word co--” I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT.

(Okay actually it is ONLY about 9k so it’s definitely not the longest chapter!)

We’re so close to the end! Ahhh! I did worry this fic would be long but goddamn I still underestimated it. I’m delighted by everyone’s comments and enthusiasm and I hope as we close things out that I’ve brought this fun little journey to a satisfying conclusion. After the very intense angst and worldbuilding of my last year or so of fics this was in many ways much more lighthearted and required less canon contortion on my part but was still an interesting exercise combining canon with this AU setup, and I’m so glad that people seem to feel I’ve succeeded in that balancing act. Thank you!

Title: Held Up a Lightning Rod (Wonder Why I'm Struck)

Rating: E

Pairing: Buck/Eddie

Chapters: 20/22

Chapter Summary: Welcome to season four! Everyone remembers season four, right? Doesn’t everyone love season four?

[worshippdsun]

i do not apologize for this (except for the dimensions, but that's bc this is my phone homescreen now)

[taldigi]

What would you say was the first sign that Miraculous was gonna became a bad show?

3D in the current style that it is. And no. I'm not talking about the anime. I'm talking about how it started to sacrifice style and substance for recognizability and cheap graphics. There are very strict guidelines on the style of the show and exaggerated expressions and genuinely good animation have been trashed or cut in order to not have to pay the most money. How do I know? I've seen it. I have seen things that I can never share but I know about. Shit that sits in a locked folder on a USB drive.

I've been very fortunate to speak to people behind the scenes and get some insight on development. I've poured over reports and surveys. I've read interviews. I've seen statistics.

There is a lot of company input that goes into miraculous. And you know how it is when CEOs and directors boards get involved with creative projects. You would be surprised at the amount of influence companies like Gloob have over the development of the show.

Miraculous wants to be a serious show. But it also wants to be a kiddie show- and miraculous wants to be a kids show because kids programming sells toys and toys are what have kept miraculous afloat for as long as it has.

[gardenofnoah]

all the times i told you

part 1

i’m thinking this will be a sweet little multi-parter about being so in love it makes you sick. featuring katsuki, obviously. i want to keep this going throughout the year, finishing next new year’s eve. real full circle with it. we’ll call this a milestone post for 1k ♡ wc: 1.3k. cw: gn reader, timeskip!bkg (time passed is vague), fluff

you think you should’ve listened to him.

the bar is loud, and you feel the beginnings of a headache at your temples. the arms that cage you in from behind are a comfort, and you lean your head back to knock against a solid chest.

“y’alright?” bakugou murmurs into your ear over the chatter. you turn your head to look at him, pouting a little.

“wish we would’ve stayed home.”

the smirk stretches slowly over his face and you pout harder at the way he cocks an eyebrow at you.

“didn’t y’beg me to take you out for new years?”

your eyes narrow at him and you press your head back into him, head butting his chest half heartedly. huffing when his grin widens.

“but i miss our couch,” you whine, eyes closing when you feel him bend down to press a kiss to your temple.

“let’s go then, crybaby.”

you perk up immediately, pulling a laugh from him as he grabs your coat from the back of your chair, holding it open for you to slip into. you pull him out of the bar and into the cold night without fanfare. his fingers tangle with yours and he pulls your hand into his pocket, squeezing gently. you feel like skipping down the sidewalk.

“slow down,” he grumbles, after nearly tripping from the way you all but drag him toward home.

“speed up,” you retort, grinning at him. you let out a little yelp when he jerks you backward into his chest by the hand you lead him with, putting you in a headlock. it’s all to make you laugh and you slip out of it with ease, darting behind him.

he groans when you climb up him and cling to him like a koala.

“now we’ll never get home.”

“hey!” you yell through your smile, flicking his ear. he grumbles but continues walking, hoisting you farther up his back with a strong grip under your thighs. you lean down to rest your head against his shoulder, and he turns to kiss your face. it’s quiet then—the silence is savored between you as bakugou walks. there are a few people on the sidewalk, but most are inside, huddled around bars or tv sets at home to bring in the new year. the more you think of it, the more ridiculous you feel for wanting to be anywhere but the home that you share.

you make it there after 15 minutes of walking and he carries you through the front door and to your living room, dropping you unceremoniously on the couch. you lay down and stretch out along the length of it, wiggling a bit to get settled, and he watches you in amusement. there’s a soft smile on his face that’s reserved for you, and it feels more like home than any place ever has.

a moment passes and he joins you, manhandling you a bit to wedge himself underneath you. with a fair amount of grumbling from you, he settles you onto his chest and you don’t admit that it’s comfier now, opting instead to splay your fingers out over the expanse of his chest and listen to his heartbeat.

“what do you think?” he asks after a moment, speaking over the quiet hum of the new years broadcast on your tv.

“about?”

“this year.”

you hum, considering the question. “you were a good hero this year.”

he scoffs, “course i was—what kind of shit is good? i was the best.”

you roll your eyes at that, laughing softly. it didn’t matter how far he was from his time at UA—the bravado would never leave him. the hero dynamight was a force to be reckoned with.

but when it came to matters of bakugou katsuki, the confidence wavered—however minutely.

“you were a great partner this year.”

“ah,” he sighs, pointedly looking at the tv and away from your gaze, “could’ve been better.”

“well sure,” you pause, feeling the length of his collarbone under the pads of your fingers. it strikes you as odd how fragile the bone is—even in someone as seemingly unbreakable as katsuki. “so could i. it’s a good thing we have another year to work on that.”

that pulls a huff from him that you know is a laugh. “thanks, smart ass.”

you both focus on whatever band is performing—outside in the cold—from the warmth of your spot on the couch. it’s quiet for another moment before you speak.

“i mean it,” you say, quiet, “you’re good to me, katsuki.”

you feel a warm hand at the small of your back, reveling in the trail of goosebumps it leaves in its movement to the nape of your neck. it settles there, and his fingers squeeze gently in an acknowledgement of what you said. you’ve developed your own sort of language over the years—you find that the little acts of affection from katsuki feel far more impactful than words ever could, most of the time.

but sometimes the words wash over you like a wave and you couldn’t fight it if you wanted to.

“love you,” he whispers, and you feel it everywhere. it makes you want to bury your face in his shirt, or maybe in his skin—to get a close as physically possible and then closer still, just to be near the heart that’s claimed you. to cradle it in your hands and keep it safe for him, because he’s trusted it to you.

but that would embarrass him, probably, so you just whisper a love you back to him and rub your hand over the spot where it lives inside him, content with the knowledge that it is yours, however far from you he may be.

basking in the fact that he is right here with you now.

“do you have any resolutions?” you ask, fully expecting something along the lines of to keep being the best god damn hero this country’s ever seen. something to cut through the weight of the feeling that hangs above you both. 

to your surprise, he’s quiet. he drags his thumb up the side of your neck and back down again a few times, before he takes a breath in.

“not really. i, uh—” another pause, another breath, “i want to start thinkin’ about what’s next. you know, for you and i, or whatever.”

you’re not really surprised—it’s been several years of you being together—but you’re endeared by the way he is so obviously nervous right now, despite that.

“yeah?” you ask, tilting your head to look up at him. it’s a moment before he’s able to look down at you and meet your eyes.

“yeah.”

the hand on your neck moves forward and he brushes a thumb over your brow bone, holding your face to where it rests on his sternum. his heartbeat flutters against your temple and you are overcome with the feeling that there could be no other place in the world crafted just for you like this one has been.

“do you have one?”

“hm?”

“a resolution.”

“oh,” you let out a little laugh, a little bashful at the way he smirks at you now. you haven’t really thought about it—neither one of you had ever really been big on resolutions, but it feels a little different now. like it’s less of a goal you have to set and more of a transition into something that’s already begun—the resolution, then, is just a way to lean into it. 

“I want to stay here with you,” you murmur, meeting his eyes again, “i want you to ask me that again next year.”

“not much of a resolution then,” and there’s a soft smile stretching across his face, “you were gonna do that anyway.”

“no,” you tell him, turning to press a kiss to the palm of his hand, “it’ll be different.”

he’s quiet then, focused on the arch of the curve above your lip, pressing his thumb to it gently.

“yeah,” he rasps, “it will be.”

read part 2 here

this fic belongs to me (@gardenofnoah). i do not allow anyone to repost, edit, or reproduce this work.

[lunarharp]

into the deep end - 30k T orufrey fic, focusing on memory trauma, disability, and romance.

the sweet oblivion of the victim, the poisoned freedom of the witch.

for one moment - it had felt like two parts returned - the needed reunion of two disparate halves. no more secrets, no more pain.

the moment you get to give back what you never wanted to take. that moment, under the night-blooming flowers, when they had both let out the same single broken sigh of relief.

but they were never whole to begin with, were they?

qifrey swore he wouldn't say 'sorry' to this man any more if he could help it - sorry is cheap now. he didn't want to be in a position ever again where you only have 'sorry' left. so he just looks down into the threads of his blanket, strains his eye until it hurts, feeling his insides - his throat, heart and head - burn with pain. he expects more, but olly says nothing.

olly says nothing.

[khytal]

ok gamers I rewatched tristamp one more time in order to write a post about the soundtrack, and some of the stuff I found blew my socks off (even though I've seen every episode like 6 times) so buckle up because oh my god. oh my god

this will cover most of both volumes of the OST (which you can find on spotify), with a focus on wolfwood, and a little bit of vash, meryl, and the eye of michael

...and a very thorough breakdown of "drain arm" :)

notes before I get into it: -I won't be analyzing the plant song because I. already wrote an entire separate thing about that haha (a link to that doc will be in the replies section of the notes if you're interested)

-you won't need to know anything about music theory, because I'm just pointing out where certain themes come up (with the exception of "duet", but I'll explain terminology there). timestamps will be included so you can listen for them as you read

-if you're obsessed with the OST like I am, most of this probably won't be anything new x) but I hope it's enjoyable regardless

-my credentials: I was a pianist for 10 years and an oboist for 7.5 years and I only had 1 semester of intermediate music theory but I got to analyze the 1st mvt of tchaik 5 and I think that permanently altered my brain chemistry

-the tracks I recommend being familiar with to have a better grasp on this post are: -> "whistling/blues harp in the wasteland" (vash's leitmotif) -> "reality" -> "childhood memories" -> "duet" -> "human subject" (eye of michael, or EoM, leitmotif) -> "drain arm" (technically optional)

-please don't take any of my interpretations/speculation as fact! you are absolutely free to come to your own conclusions I just have a lot of thoughts about the soundtrack lol 👍

here we go :]

EP1: -you can hear a variation of the plant song in "immigrant space explorer" (0:36-1:00)

-vash's leitmotif is first heard in "no man's land" (0:41-0:48)

-only about half of "mystery man" plays, and his leitmotif (0:38-0:51) is actually cut from the scene so it's not heard at all

EP2: -"escape" has vash's leitmotif from 0:18-0:31. they also took out the lyrics in the episode's version of the track x)

-it's possible that we'll hear "might is right" or a new arrangement of it if we get to see the rest of the nebraska family in future episodes, since there were posters of marilyn. I think people largely associate the song with EG the Mine but due to the track title and the fact that it first played in this episode, I feel like it's more about the nebraskas

-I'll talk about "childhood memories" in ep12 because it's related to rem's themes

EP3: -the plant song can be heard in "compatriots" (1:01-1:11)

-"reality" is first heard here, right before the episode in which wolfwood is introduced. keep this in mind for later :')

EP4: -"undertaker" has a dissonant sax part (0:48-0:54) that's similar to the one found in "irritation" (1:05-1:11), but it's an ascending passage rather than descending. it doesn't show up anywhere else so it might become a motif we'll hear in the future, but there's no way to know until the next part is released

-"planet zaji", from 0:55-1:04, has that one part from "time left" (1:02-1:09). it's heard while wolfwood's spinning the punisher around but I think it's just something that sounds cool, and you can't really hear it anyway because of the sound effects/dialogue. if zazie gets any additional themes in the future I might have more to say on this

-vash's leitmotif kicks in in "hungry !" (0:21-0:43) when wolfwood introduces himself at the end of the episode. I really like this track I hope we'll get to hear it again x)

EP5: -I don't think there's any meaning behind "shadow" borrowing from "worms network". I'm pretty sure it was just for mood (and to be fair it is a cool track)

-you can hear vash's leitmotif at the beginning of "boy and vash". this is the part where vash is escorting rollo back to the village

-"cyborg" introduces a new 4-note pattern (0:07-0:14) that I'm calling the eye of michael leitmotif. if hearing this reminds you of episode 6 then you already understand what I mean

-"dud" has vash's leitmotif as well (2:20-2:59), which starts playing when vash is begging rollo to wake up after wolfwood kills him

-only a small part of "human subject" (0:25-0:35) is used for the final scene, right when the windmills start turning. using the EoM leitmotif as a sendoff to the empty village is. really haunting

EP6 (this is a long one I'm sorry): -the EoM leitmotif can be heard in "reborn" (0:09-0:14, but it's easier to hear in 0:26-0:30). this is the opening scene where wolfwood guns down the deserter

-they do reuse "worms network" when livio first opens fire on vash but that's more for mood in my opinion. you could say it hints at zazie monitoring the sand steamer though

-we're probably going to hear "the desert rogue" again when the bad lads gang shows up in a future episode, possibly with a new arrangement for brilliant dynamites neon (this is one of my personal favorite tracks actually. it's a shame they didn't get to use the whole thing because 0:45 to the end is really cool)

-"boyhood" contains the EoM leitmotif and it's very in-your-face in this song (1:15-2:19). in the episode itself the track gets cut at around 2:10, but in the OST the piano motif from "orphanage" can be heard one more time right at the end of the song at 2:18-2:20. which is an evil thing to do. anyway

-"nicholas the punisher" is an arrangement of "reality". let that sit for a second, maybe go listen to those two tracks or something.

okay so we can look at this in a few different ways:

-> the end of episode 3 is of course a reality check, supported by the corresponding track being titled "reality" (even though it's fabricated by nai: to suggest and then prove to the people of no man's land that vash is indeed deserving of the $$6mil bounty; and to tell vash that his presence will pose a threat to humans). you know who else is supposed to be* grounded in reality? the pragmatic nicholas d wolfwood, who's introduced at the start of episode 4 *tristamp wolfwood hasn't quite found his resolve yet, as shown by his hesitation when livio appears

-> in the scene where "nicholas the punisher" is heard, vash is insistent on rescuing livio while wolfwood pushes back and says it's too late for him. he's clearly wishing he wouldn't have to eliminate livio though, and with "reality" as the foundation of this song, it presents wolfwood's inner turmoil in a new way for the audience: vash, who is physically right there trying to persuade him that there's still hope for his brother, vs his role as "nicholas the punisher" in sound, in his mind, and the "reality" that developed along with it (death is/can be a mercy, and sometimes it's necessary to sacrifice one life to save many)

(I also want to add that while legato's dialogue shows he intended for the orphanage to be eliminated through livio's death, it seems wolfwood didn't even realize that killing livio would mean more kids would be taken by the EoM for experimentation. he thought he had to choose between livio or the children, but it was a "test" of loyalty; and legato was attempting to obtain said loyalty by force)

-> outside of the episode, if you were to just listen to this track within the OST it's very representative of his character. contrary to "undertaker", which is fairly laid-back and....honestly kind of playful (and equally reflective of wolfwood's personality, when he's relaxed), "nicholas the punisher" is a more somber and contemplative piece. the fact that it's built on "reality" already suggests that he's someone whose beliefs conflict with vash's; and even without knowing that, both of wolfwood's themes contrast with the energy of "vash the stampede" quite clearly (even if I personally don't consider that track to be vash's official theme, it's still associated with him). I think it's really interesting that vash, the quieter one, has more raucous songs while wolfwood, the one with a sharp tongue, has calmer tracks :)

you might be wondering if "orphanage" is in "nicholas the punisher" and the answer is......yes, but actually, no. but kinda if you're delusional like me. this little pattern from 0:29-0:42 in "orphanage" is found in the low brass from 0:57-1:11 in "nicholas the punisher" (although it's in a different key and has a slight variation in the 2nd half). it's not quite the same, but both phrases start by going down a half step, then down a P5 interval (D->C#->F# for "orphanage", F->E->A for "nicholas the punisher"). lastly the sand steamer's leitmotif (I guess) is also present but that's. obviously because this is happening on the sand steamer lol

-"whom to kill, whom to let live" is just a faster/more tense arrangement of "orphanage" with saxophone over it. starting at 1:07 you can hear the worms leitmotif (1:31-1:34 in "worms network")

I can't say whether or not legato is already represented in the OST because he's currently not associated with any unique tracks, but they might tie the dissonant saxophone passage from "irritation" to him. it's first heard when legato stops wolfwood from escaping the facility, and as far as I can remember it's not played anywhere else. if he plays a bigger role in the next season, which I'm sure he will, I'll be keeping an ear out for this x) (I only mention the sax thing because I don't think he's represented by the sax solo that plays in "whom to kill, whom to let live")

EP7: -a little more of "the desert rogue" is heard when the bad lads make their way onto the sand steamer but it's very hard to make out over the gang yelling in the background lmao

-we're treated to the entirety of "human subject", for the scene where livio briefly returns to himself. if you somehow weren't convinced that those repeated 4 notes had anything to do with the eye of michael, this is the last instance where it's heard: the moment livio's overcome by whatever brainwashing was used on him by the EoM

-I think most people associate "time left" with ep12 but it's first played in this episode and I believe that it was primarily composed with the ion cannon sequence in mind (though a majority of the tracks in the OST only play once for specific scenes, with some songs being cut short and getting different parts played across 2+ episodes. "irritation" and "human subject" are examples of this)

EP8: -this one's a little hard to hear because the 1st note is implied in the C drone but vash's leitmotif starts at around 0:09 in "complicity" and runs all the way to 1:06

-it's also in "home" (1:38-1:57), playing at the moment luida hands vash the red coat :)

EP9: -I've talked about this before but I really like that there's 4(?) measures of polyrhythm (2 or more differing rhythmic lines that are played within the same time signature) when vash joins in, before the brothers come together on the same even rhythm. you can see how vash's quarter-note pattern doesn't line up with nai's quarter-note triplets, and in fact, neither of them ever land or start together:

(for the sake of comprehension I wrote it out with a faster tempo to stretch the polyrhythm part over 8 bars instead of the slow tempo/4 bars. I'm not sure what the official tempo is. I think a sane person would write it at a faster tempo so that the part doesn't look stupidly cluttered but a good musician would be able to play it regardless. anyway-)

it sounds even more stilted because vash is playing on the offbeat. polyrhythm's such a great way to represent the brothers' relationship because it seems so chaotic but both lines are still in time together, following the same beats. they're so different but in the end they're still brothers who (are trying to) understand each other. and I love that vash is playing secondo, a more harmonic/supportive part, while knives has primo, where the melody/ornaments are. it says a lot about their personalities :')

since I don't know what the original sheet music looks like I can't say if this is true but you can hear that the plant song at 1:03 is played in octaves (2 notes that're the same pitch with one higher than the other). because of the nature of a duet, and the fact that this was played by the twins when they were little, the octaves were probably split between the parts. so vash was playing the lower octave of the plant song with his right hand, and nai played the upper octave with his left hand (we don't get to see this because it cuts to nai playing the song alone at that point). also: vash favors his right hand while nai favors his left

-now for something far less interesting: "last run" is a medley combining "ethics and morality", "compatriots", and "millions knives"

EP10: -"a cruel sight" seems to be unused. it was probably intended to lead into "bio-power reactor" in the scene where meryl and roberto meet elendira in the tank (given that it ends the same way "bio-power reactor" starts), but they cut it and just played a version of "bio-power reactor" without the melody

-elendira's themes ("elendira the crimsonnail" and "which is the monster?") seem to have some lyrics that're most audible in the beginning of the tracks but they're almost impossible to make out without some kind of editing software, which I don't have lol. they're already very quiet in the background and they echo, on top of sounding like they were put through autotune

also this is entering speculation territory but it makes me wonder if elendira's theme is going to evolve with her. we've seen some concept art with her having a more teenage appearance, so I think it'd be really cool if the vocals also changed accordingly

additionally she doesn't have the EoM leitmotif anywhere but she DOES have a proper 4-note chromatic pattern that descends from D in "which is the monster?" (1:32-1:35), which is the same note that the EoM leitmotif starts on. if we consider EoM's broken chromatic passage to represent the failed experiments, then elendira, with an actual chromatic passage in her theme, is a success

-"meryl's regrets" is ALSO an arrangement of "reality" :') this is the track that plays during roberto's final moment, which was. you know. the consequence of meryl running off in pursuit of the truth. the "reality" roberto had warned her about several times prior to episode 10. interestingly, while "nicholas the punisher" expands on the original track, "meryl's regrets" is a reduction--it's mostly just the baseline with some notes here and there. she doesn't have a theme yet, but 1:23-1:33 might be something we hear again if/when she gets a track associated with her

EP11: -"nicholas and meryl" is an arrangement of "boy and vash", with erhu echoing vash's leitmotif. I think it's a neat way to show through music that both of them are here because of vash :]

-the tracklist goes slightly out of order at this point for some reason. after "memory retrieval", "memory of geranium" is what plays in the final memory, when nai decapitates rem

EP12: -"memory of rem" is a combination of "childhood memories" and "memory of geranium". "childhood memories" is also found in "knives's piano", which is based on "duet". one fun way of interpreting this is that the "childhood memories" part of the duet is actually from rem, if she was the one who taught the twins how to play piano, which would make "duet" a musical representation of vash and nai's roots (pun intended. sorry). this also suggests nai misses rem, with how often he plays the piano, even if he thinks he hates her.

but "childhood memories" can also simply be seen as a theme that's associated with rem, nai, and vash's brief time together x)

-okay this is the part where I get to rant about "drain arm" because THIS SONG was literally the reason I decided I needed to rewatch stampede. I was listening to "drain arm" a couple weeks after the finale aired and I heard vash's leitmotif near the end and I was like "NO WAY!!!! HOW DID I MISS THAT"

as it turns out, it was cut from episode 12.

:)

not to worry though, I still have plenty to say about it. even if I'm a little disappointed. just. a little.

-> from 1:13-1:25, you can hear vash's leitmotif in the cello. this DID make it into the scene, and it plays when vash rises through the clouds

-> 2:44-3:10 is where some of the lyrics from vocal version of "millions knives" play: "remember how / we used to be / no turning back / sky's (skies??) falling down". although you can't actually hear the "remember how" in "drain arm" (at least not without blasting the song into your ears, which I don't recommend), it starts right when the image of vash and nai sitting in the geodome appears

-> we finally get the plant song at 3:36, when the condensed energy starts to leak out/charge. and then after it fires, but before nai dives into the beam, we hear "I still care for you" (3:44-3:52). and while it's originally from the vocal version of "millions knives", in the context of the scene I think it's a sentiment from both brothers: vash, who pleads for nai to let go and releases the energy away from him; and then knives, desperately reaching for the cube because he believes the success of his plan will ensure his family's (and especially his brother's) safety, the only ones he's ever cared about

in other words: plant song in cello = vash -> "I still care for you" -> continuation of plant song in low brass = knives. they're connected by this single sentence

-> knives's leitmotif (I didn't talk about it because it's only found in songs that signal his appearance, so it's really obvious, but yes he's got one of those) plays at 4:03 for the "nai is dead. you killed him" exchange

-> it goes back to a variation of the plant song at 4:29 (I LOVE the piano at 4:40-4:49 btw. it's so good. I could cry about it. probably)

if you've read my plant song analysis you might be wondering how to tell when it's being associated with the name millions knives instead of the plant race. since we know that a good chunk of the songs in the OST were written like a film score, the visual context (and/or the song titles themselves) can clue you in. "drain arm"'s use of the plant song is meant to highlight that vash and nai aren't human, so it's the latter

-> now here's the part that was removed, probably due to the runtime: vash's leitmotif in the cello again, from 5:03-5:09. if you revisit the part right before nai lets go of the cube, you'll hear that it skips these 6 seconds and goes straight to knives's theme ("but that's the plant song!" yes. we'll get to that in a sec). this missing bit right here?? fucks me up EVERY time. it's the most mournful his leitmotif has ever sounded, appropriately so, and it's absolutely criminal that it wasn't included. especially because knives's theme, the plant song melody, follows it up on violin as the cello continues to play a line in harmony.

and it's knives's theme because in this moment it's about him dying, not the plants. they spent a whole season tricking us into thinking that the plant song was knives's theme, and then they used it to send him off.

-> and then july city explodes o7

as much as I'd love to hear "drain arm" again for another chance to let the weight of vash's motif come through, I think it's too intertwined with this scene to be recycled. like. maaaaaaaybe they could use it for fifth moon if that's supposed to be the climax of the next part but they kinda?? already did the "fire a really big laser at the sky" thing? anyway yeah I'm totally normal about "drain arm". so normal

Extras: -the punisher and the double fangs have these cool sound effects when they transform and it kinda makes me think that their guns are built from lost tech, if the punisher's laser cannon wasn't evidence enough of this

-there's no equivalent of "sound life" in stampede, and I don't think there's going to be one. however, I do think that it would make a lot of sense if rem taught the boys how to play piano, because we could get something like:

-> rem asks vash about the plant song (the memory in ep12) -> she gives the boys piano lessons -> she helps them compose "duet"

-they didn't use "stampede out" for this season but I really hope we'll hear it in the next part. I know it's just a longer version of "escape" but it's a fun song :]

-this is. obvious but you can hear "gate" in "millions knives". no idea if they'll put "gate" into more songs, especially for vash now that he seems to have some control over it

-there's also something kinda fun with key signatures too: -> "millions knives" is in b minor -> vash's leitmotif is in d dorian (of course this changes depending on the key signature of whatever track it's used in) -> "undertaker" is also in d dorian -> I think songs associated with no man's land/humanity are usually in some dorian scale or specifically the key of a minor but this is solely based on jeneora rock since july city had its own unique theme so I'm not totally sure yet. "duet" is in a minor by the way -> "nicholas the punisher" is in d minor. if "undertaker" is tied to humanity (which is tied to vash) then "nicholas the punisher" is linked to the other side: knives, through the EoM. it adds another interesting layer to the contrast between wolfwood's two themes, but I don't consider this to hold any meaning lol -> I WILL say that b minor is the relative minor of D Major, so having knives and vash's songs be written in those keys was likely deliberate. and what makes it really interesting is that to get d dorian, you take a D Major scale and lower the 3rd and 7th notes by a half step

-I'm not 100% sure but I think plucked piano strings were used to create the low, scratchy string sound effect in some of the songs (one example is literally at the beginning of "irritation"). I think it's really cool that piano is everywhere in the soundtrack, but not necessarily by hitting the keys

-I am unbelievably excited for livio's/razlo's themes because they have the opportunity to do some REALLY COOL things with the music for them. we might not get them in part 2 (though I think we will) but whenever it happens I'll be so ready for it >:)

and that's all!! o(-< thank you for reading! if you actually took the time to go through all of this with the soundtrack pulled up, I'm. impressed. i think. anyway I'm a big fan of OSTs with strong storytelling and tristamp's OST is no exception :]

if you've got questions, feel free to ask ^^ I definitely didn't cover everything I just picked out whatever I thought was worth mentioning. which was uhhhh quite a bit x)

(also again if you're interested in reading the plant song analysis I did it's in the replies section of the notes 👍 I recommend reading it on a computer though)

[lylahammar]

lays down on the floor

holy fuck slay the princess is so good