#God I need sleep I wish I could actually get some decent sleep

[revenantghost]

Holy! Shit! WHY!!! I was at a craft fair today in an ATTEMPT to get out of my head and earn something, and while I was at my little booth I got rearended?!?!? And luckily some witnesses left a note thinking they got the plates but if not I'm sol!!!!! Why!!!!!!! I'm so fucking tired and overwhelmed and I already have a migraine from crying so much from BEFORE this, why!!!! Is life!!!!!!! Like this!!!!!!!!! This is all I have!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[wheelsupimagine]

Meant to be -Spencer Reid x Fem!reader

Pairing: Spencer Reid x FemReader

Word count: 3.2k words

Warnings: mentions of s3 e16 and s4 e24, angst and fluff

Summary: A case reminded Spencer of his past and you the only friend he had in high school, what if one day you two meet again in DC.

Being a resident genius had its favors, the team bets everything on him and he could always retrieve this but this case was different, it was difficult it got personal.

His edict memory is a blessing but not when a case like this reminded him of his past - Alexa Lisbon.

Then he wished he could forget everything for once in his life, but he will always remember.

When Spencer stepped out of the plane, he felt like he could breathe again, but his mind still raced - this case was an emotional roller coaster for him and the best way for Spencer to calm down was to go to his favorite bookstore.

The moment Spencer stepped into the bookstore he felt relieved, the familiar smell of old books and fresh coffee felt like home and no other person was in sight.

"Hey Spencer though case?!" Miranda the owner of the shop asked.

"Hey Miranda, yeah it was."

"Okay, your coffee will be ready in a bit, the bookstore is almost empty just one more person is here."

Spencer nodded but he was surprised that someone else would be here at this time still Spencer didn’t let himself bother knowing he would probably not even find this person.

Spencer left Miranda and made his way deeper into the bookstore. He was so invested in finding a new book, that he totally forgot about his coffee till he heard his name being called.

"Spencer Reid?" A stranger called his name

He turned his head and then he saw you.

Y/N Y/L/N.

What Spencer didn’t tell Derek was, who got him down from the goalpost back then - it was y/n, after that night you two spent more time together - Spencer could always come to you, and you two never talked about his problems and struggles because when he was with you it didn’t matter, once or twice he talked with you about his mom but mostly he just enjoyed your company and felt like a decent kid with a friend.

When he graduated high school, he never looked back but after 14 years you stand now in front of him right here in this bookstore in DC.

"Miranda asked me if I could bring you your coffee before it gets cold." You said and pointed at his coffee in your hand.

"My god Spencer, I can’t believe it’s you." You continued.

"Thank you y/n." Spencer took the coffee from you.

"It’s been a while, you look good by the way."

Spencer blushed, but he didn’t say anything back.

"Ähm yeah it was nice to see you again, I don’t want to bother much longer." As you attempted to leave, Spencer stopped you.

"Actually I could use some company if you like… Only if you want to obviously, I would understand if you don’t want to…" Spencer

rambled, but you stopped him.

"I would love to keep you company Spencer."

You two sat down and drank your coffee and talked. Spencer found out that you moved here two years ago because you got a job offer at the Walter Reed hospital and nothing held you in Las Vegas. Spencer talked to you about his job in the FBI, you asked him about Diana and it surprised him that you still knew her name, you two had a great time together until you caught Spencer off guard.

"Spencer, how are you really? You have very dark circles under your eyes."

"I��I haven’t slept really, it was this case that reminded me of something in the past." Spencer sighed and didn’t dare to look you in the eyes.

You knew where his mind went, you rubbed Spencer’s arm.

"But look at you now, these High school jerks and Alexa are definitely regretting this now." You looked at your clock.

"Hey Spencer it’s getting late, I have to wake up early and honestly you need some sleep too."

Spencer's mimic changed from happy to sad in one motion.

"Oh, I understand. Yeah yeah, you should leave you need your sleep." Spencer took his distance from you, thinking you wanted to leave because you already had enough of him.

"Spencer hey, if you want we can exchange phone numbers so we could meet again."

Spencer’s lips curved into a smile.

"Yeah, I would like that."You exchanged numbers and you both left the shop together.

Sadly you two had to split ways, Spencer insisted on walking you home but you promised him that it wouldn’t even take 10 minutes till you were home. Spencer started rambling about unsafety and what everything could happen in 10 minutes.

"Wow, now I might think I have to stay with you forever." You joked

but Spencer was stunned and it caused his cheeks to turn slightly pink.

"I just made a joke Dr. Reid, okay. Would you feel better if I wrote you when I made it home save in 10 minutes?" You asked him.

"This would make it slightly better. But.."

"But?" You asked confused.

"You lied," Spencer said.

"What?"

"You first said you would be home in less than 10 minutes now it’s exactly 10 minutes." Spencer smiled and you laughed.

"Come home safe Dr. Reid."You smiled and turned around making your way home.

When Spencer arrived home, he thought about going to bed immediately but you crossed his mind again and when he looked at his phone he saw that you hadn’t wrote him yet. So instead of getting in his pyjamas he sat on his couch and waited for your text.

After 10 minutes and 45 seconds, you texted him letting him know you made it home safe.

Spencer:You are too late.

Y/n:What?!

Spencer:You are exactly 45 seconds too late. Next time I call the FBI.

Y/n:haha. I am so sorry dr Reid, I changed into my pajamas first.

Y/n:You didn’t need to stay awake for me

Spencer:But I wanted to make sure that you save.

Y/n:Thank you Spencer but you also need to sleep.

Spencer:Good night Y/n sleep well.

Y/n:Sleep well genius.

Over the last few months, Spencer and you met at the bookstore when your jobs allowed it. Otherwise, you two stay connected through messages and phone calls. Even the team noticed a shift in Spencer’s mood and as the man Derek is he asks him about it.

"Hey, pretty boy, who’s got you on the phone like this?"

"What do you mean, I use my phone like I always do."

"No boy wonder, for someone who rarely uses his phone in his free time, you are really caught up in it now." Derek laughed.

"Is pretty boy in love?" Derek asked and wiggled with his brows.

"Derek please can you leave it, it’s nothing," Spencer answered and didn’t dare to look Derek in the eyes.

"Okay Spencer, I let it slide for now but just so you know I care about you and if there is someone in your life that makes you happy, I just want to know."

Paperwork days for Spencer were never a problem, he accepted it cause it needed to be done but now with you in his life, he loved paperwork because it meant he wasn’t away on a case and with you having the morning shift, it gave you two the chance to meet up after work and he enjoyed your time together, he feels like he can be like himself with you and he hasn’t laughed so much since he met you.

But your jobs didn't allow this too much, either you had the night shift or Spencer was out of town for a case and he hated this, he hated when you weren’t around, he hated it when you two were in the same city but didn’t get to see each other and even though he loves his job, he couldn’t wait to come home, to see you - he missed you.

Cases also mean for him that he barely has time to call you.

Currently, Spencer has been away for a week already, this case going longer than he thought it would take, Spencer lay on his motel bed and tried to find the breakthrough for the case but nothing came to his mind.

He put the papers aside and looked at the clock, it wasn’t too late in DC yet, and he was unsure if he should call you, it’s nothing you usually do so that Spencer could stay focused on the case but honestly, he needed to hear your voice tonight, so he tried to call you hoping you aren’t already asleep.

"Spencer? Is everything okay?" Your voice sounds raw.

"Hey, yeah everything is okay. Did I wake you up? I am so sorry, I really didn’t mean to, it was a stupid idea to call you, you obviously slept, and your voice sounds raw. I should-."

"Spencer, breath, everything is fine. I didn’t sleep, I - I just rolled around, I was thinking about you."

Spencer was stunned by your confession, he stayed silent but his heart was beating very fast.

"So yeah, what’s on your mind, Spencer?" You asked breaking the silence.

"We don’t come forward with the case and I...I wanted to hear your voice." Spencer confessed.

"Sometimes it takes more time to find the perpetrator but the only thing that matters is that you will find him. I miss you but please stay safe there."

"I will y/n, I promise."

"Hey, Spencer."

"Yes, y/n."

"Why don’t we meet when you come back, we could order takeout and make a movie marathon at my place nothing fancy." You suggested.

"Yeah, yeah I would like that."

"Good, I will see you soon, good night Spencer."

"Good night y/n."

A few days later the team finally caught the unsub.

As the team flew back to Virginia, Spencer wrote you to let you know that he would land in the late afternoon and asked you if you two wanted to have the movie marathon tonight which you accepted.

Spencer didn’t even realize that he smiled like an idiot until Derek pulled him out of his thoughts.

"You pretty boy what got your smile like that?" Derek asked Spencer.

"Uh n-no-nothing," Spencer said but his cheeks turned 10 times darker every second.

"Sureee Spencer."

Spencer didn’t say anything.

"Hey Spencer," Derek said.

"Yeah."

"It’s good to see you like this," Derek replied. He left Spencer alone with his thoughts, he couldn’t wait to see you tonight.

Spencer arrived at your apartment complex 10 minutes too early, he first waited in his car, drumming his fingers on his bouncing leg, trying to calm himself down but he failed miserably, so he stood in front of your door 7 minutes and 43 seconds too early but it was okay, in that time he tried to get his breath under control.

But before Spencer got his breath under control, you already opened the door.

"Man, I thought you would never knock at my door." You greeted him.

"How-how did you know I stood in front of your door?" Spencer asked.

"I saw you parking your car 5 minutes ago, I waited for you.”

"Oh yeah I didn’t want to be late here but I also didn’t want to be too early, I didn’t know if you were ready yet," Spencer explained.

"It’s okay Spencer but next time just knock you could never be annoying to me, even if you're too early you can sit on my couch like right now."

"I will quickly make the popcorn, you can look for a movie we could watch." You suggested and Spencer sat down and looked for a good movie to watch that you also liked, when you returned with the popcorn and other snacks, you sat down next to him but not too close, Spencer still didn’t decide what to watch.

"I-I don’t know what to watch, movies that I like are mostly not the type from others," Spencer admitted.

"Okay mhm, what do you think of Star Trek?"

"What?!" Spencer was completely shocked.

"Ähm okay was that a bad request?"

"No, no it’s- it’s great actually, I love it, I didn’t think you would like these types of movies," Spencer admitted.

"I am full of surprises Spencer."

So you watched the Star Trek series and after some time you both fell asleep, no one knows who fell asleep first maybe it was you or him but for sure was that you both bumped your heads, after a phone went off - it was Spencer’s.

"I’m sorry, I’ve got a case, is your head okay?"

"Yeah, yeah is there enough time for coffee or do you have to leave immediately?"

"No, it looks really important I have to leave now, but at least the case is here."

"Okay, good luck, be safe."

"I will be." As Spencer was about to leave he turned around once more.

"Hey y/n?"

"Yes, Spencer."

"I had a lot of fun last night."

"Me too, maybe we couldn’t do it again sometime?"

"I would love to, bye y/n."

"See you soon doctor, come home to me in one piece."

Just when the door felt shut, your phone started ringing, it was the hospital.

"Hey, y/n. Is it possible for you to fill in today, maya is sick."

"Yeah sure, I am on my way."

Spencer just visited Abby one of the remaining survivors, in the middle of their conversation Abby got aphasia, which scared Spencer, this stain kills people in a short amount of time and right now he couldn’t do anything.

Then he thought about you, and he had the urge to talk to you, even though he may get in trouble for this he needed to know you were okay.

"Spencer, is everything okay?" You said quite in panic.

"Yeah, yeah sure why wouldn’t it be… I.. I just wanted to hear your voice and I wanted to know if you are okay."

"Everything is okay, besides I have to work today."

"What !! I thought it was your free day?"

"Yeah, change in plans, one of my colleagues is sick and they asked me to fill in, but it’s fine, it’s a quiet day." You lied to Spencer, nothing was quiet on this day.

Hey, Spencer, it looks like I’ve got to go out there again. Look out for yourself and maybe if you’d like we could out soon.. like on a real date, maybe?"

"..I would like it, yeah, that would be great."

"Good, stay safe Spencer. Bye"

"Goodbye, Y/n. Take care of yourself. See you soon."

You both hung up with a smile and at least forgot the scary situation for a few seconds, before you got out again and took care of the anthrax-infected patients.

Spencer and Derek made their way to Nichols a possible suspect in the anthrax case. When they arrived Spencer had cut himself briefly on the thorn bush but it didn't stop him and continued to walk with Derek closer to the house.

Before Morgan and Reid entered Nichols's private lap, Derek got a phone call, Reid made his way into the lab and left Derek behind.

As Derek ended the call, he realized Spencer was not behind him. Derek ran towards the house calling for Reid and just when he arrived at the house, Spencer closed the door from the lab and told Derek he couldn’t get in there just then Derek saw the broken test tube with Anthrax in it.

Spencer was a step closer to death.

You took the mask from your face and took a deep breath and you finally broke down, you started crying, it was too much for you, seeing all those vulnerable people and you can’t do anything to help them, you can only try to make this stay as comfortable as possible.

You knew what this job meant, you can’t save everybody but this is not fair, how can a human being so heartless and let these people perish?

You took another deep breath and then you thought about Spencer, hopefully was okay, far away from this situation but deep down you knew he wasn’t, he is in the FBI of course he is involved but please let him be okay.

You needed to hear Spencer's voice, so you called him.

"Y/n…" Spencer began to cough.

"Spencer.. what's happening. You don’t sound okay."

"Everything is fine." Spencer coughed again.

"Spencer…no matter what is happening…"

"Y/n listen." Spencer cut you off.

"I love you Y/n… everything is gonna be okay but I've got to go now. Then Spencer hung up and you didn’t get to answer him.

You tried it a few more times but he didn’t pick and now it felt like your world broke down, you burst into tears knowing couldn’t do anything.

After Spencer and Dr. Kimura may have found the cure for this anthrax, Spencer finally gets to go out of the lab and go to the shower, but as Spencer untied his tie, Dr. Kimura sees the cut Spencer got from the bush and the situation just got more dangerous, hopefully, the cure was in the inhaler.

When Dr. Kimura came in with a newly infected anthrax patient your heart skipped a beat - it was Spencer.

He was in an awful state and for a moment you didn’t know if he would survive this.

The situation finally got under control with the confirmation from the lab that the cure was in the inhaler, the last survivors and Spencer were able to be cured and now it was a matter of time before Spencer woke up.

When you walked towards Spencer’s room, you saw a man sitting by Spencer and eating his jello that you put on his table, just then Spencer woke up and immediately asked if there would be more jello.

As you arrived at Spencer's room you couldn’t hold back anymore.

"Hey." You've said as if a stone fell from your heart.

"Hi." Said Spencer with a smile on his face.

You both wanted to say so much more but with this muscular man in the room who you didn’t know - there was an awkward silence there.

"Okay, I think it’s my time to leave. Have fun lover boy." The man said and left you too alone.

"You’ve scared me, Spencer." You sat down on the bed and took his hand in yours.

"I didn’t mean to do this and I am sorry for what I said, I would understand if you don’t want to see me anymore, I mean with what I said I took this.." Spencer rambled.

"I love you too Spencer."

"WHAT?! Really?"

"Yes Spencer, of course I do, I've loved you since we first met back in Las Vegas."

Spencer cupped with both hands your face and you leaned in and then you two kissed for the first time.

"So you still want to go out with me?" You asked.

"Of course Y/n." You both hugged and Spencer's face was crooked in your neck.

"Hey, Y/n?"

"Yes, Spencer."

"Before we go out on the date, can I have some of this jello?" Spencer asked shyly but you just started laughing.

"Of course, my love, you can have as much jello as you want."

Man - when I wrote this it felt from length okay but now I feel like it’s a little rushed maybe you could give me feedback if I should get more in detail with the story and the conversations.

I am still very new to writing and it feels super though to write Spencer so that he still has his character traits and doesn’t sound like a totally different Spencer.

[kcalsforhim]

˖⋆࿐໋ saturday 28th of december

⋆˙⟡

goodmorning everyone… locking in is so hard sighs.. this day was not the best, but it also wasn’t the worst sins i’ve ever committed LMFAO … i weighed in this morning and i was so shocked ! TW for my arm but i used it as a proof indicator LMFAO ?

i was 48.9 kg ! (doesn’t last for long ooooof) … i got up nice and early and started to make my breakfast… i started my day so well T_T i deadass told myself the scale is wrong cause ain’t no way lol

breakfast :

2 apples and a bit of cucumber cut into slices, a small container of zuivel spread and one rice cake with some low sugar jam… i also had some energy drinks

this food was good !!! i used it to get through my shift although i didn’t need it. i don’t remember much of my shift, i felt pretty ok tho after 12 it started taking foreeeeeeever for the day to come to an end… i went home at like 3 pm as per my schedule…

it was too cold to walk home, so i went on my bike… brrr ! when i got home i did 80 mins on my walkpad only god knows why… i completed my walk at 5 pm on the dot

then i went downstairs to make dinner ! while making dinner i had big temptations to eat out of the fridge and eat and eat and eat, but i didn’t.. on my walk i literally watched lucky star the entire time it was fun but i was getting so exhausted…

dinner :

3 taco shells with a kidneybeans and ground beef filling. a thing of greek yogurt (DIDNT FINISH BTW… pls) , brussel sprouts, brownie with whipped cream

the food was rlly good ! im eating the other 3 taco shells today and i actually never ate taco’s like this before i was soooo pleasantly surprised !!!! the filling was so good heh

idk who possessed me about that brownie tho it’s drowning in whipped cream.. not again sighs

then idk what i did i think i was drawing for quite a while… or well moreso colouring since i completed the lineart stage. i have been thinking about that salmon sandwich ever since i last ate it and idk why i gave in but i did .. ugh

after dinner snack :

1 1/2 slice of homemade bread, zuivel spread, smoked salmon, pepper and salt, some cucumbers

i feel so ashamed i can’t even explain it T_T i did not fucking need this at 10 pm but i gave in… this is for sure not a binge but definitely overeating what i need bcs wtf is wrong with me… but… i did make some steps today cause i didn’t RAVAGE the fridge or eat a lot of chocolate or other things like that… yes i had a brownie this day but that was still a decently controlled amount i didn’t shove the whole thing down my throat like i was wishing to do…

after this i coloured for a bit more and tried to get some sleep but i could notttt sleepppp i ended up sleeping at like 2:30-3:00 am but like… whatever…

ill do better today FR like actually guys guys guys please dont boo me ill do better please come back omfg T_T

cals : 4 days binge free

cals : 0 days overeating free T_T

steps : 14.6 k

cute soundtrack i listened to at work… reminds me of one of my oc’s .. the fuck you guy…. if you know, you KNOW which fuck you guy im talking about

⋆˙⟡

[demigod-shenanigans]

Love will run deep like hurt runs out

Summary: Jason is sick. Being an ex-praetor, champion of Juno, son of Jupiter, he’s pretty sure that isn’t allowed.

Leo is dealing with some residual limb pain. After roughly three and a half months of this nonsense, he’s forced to admit that that’s maybe a little more allowed than he’d like it to be. Not while he’s trying to take care of his sick boyfriend, though.

Word count: 10.5k

Rating: Teen and Up

Current last part of this little AU and also the only one of my currently completed valgrace/HoO fics I hadn’t cross-posted to tumblr yet! This part is the longest by a lot, lmao. Can be read separately of the other fics!

I used the valgrace week assurance prompt a while back to finally get myself to finish it, and I ended up having a lot of fun with this! Something something Jason and Leo are both terrible patients and massive hypocrites. Also something something couples mutually comforting each other. Truly ridiculous amounts of physical affection in this one, these boys are unbearable about each other actually and I love them so much.

Also, to avoid confusion: should be pretty clear where it happens since it’s marked differently from the other scene changes but the fic starts out as a Jason POV and switches to Leo partway through!

———

Jason woke up drenched and freezing in the middle of the night. This would have been surprising, at least sort of, considering Camp Half-Blood wasn’t supposed to have weather, but his father had been in a mood lately, so it was less of a surprise than he wished. He just hoped it was something the gods could figure out among themselves for once, and not a sign someone was about to be sent on another deadly mission with the world at stake.

There was a part of Jason that wanted to just turn around and go back to sleep, but he knew that wasn’t a feasible solution, no matter how much he liked sleeping in the grass at the edge of the woods when he was feeling anxious.

It had been a bad week, as far as nightmares went, but this had helped a little—had soothed a childish instinct in him that had learned to feel at home in the wilderness. One that had known once he’d proven himself to Lupa, the pack would protect him. He was safe.

He hoped he’d proven himself to Camp Half-Blood, after everything.

But he really couldn’t stay out here with the weather like this. He’d been feeling a little off for days, and he couldn’t afford to get sick right now. There were things to be done. The permanent housing they were trying to establish for adult demigods who wanted to stay at Camp Half-Blood long-term wasn’t going to build itself. So he shook himself awake and got up.

He was covered in mud, but with the amount it was raining, that would probably resolve itself by the time he got back to his cabin. Because he would have to go back there, even if being watched by a stern statue of his father as he struggled to fall asleep didn’t exactly help his anxiety.

He could have been running back to the cabin to get out of the rain faster, but with how drenched he already was, he figured it didn’t really matter. He was too groggy for a decent run, anyway, and he really didn’t need to slip in the wet grass and concuss himself again. With his luck, Leo had been right about the existence of an angry Roman god of head injuries.

Jason didn’t go back to his cabin. He didn’t register where he was heading until he was already there, wet clothes dripping all over the floor of the forge. 

It might have been the middle of the night, but Leo was still up, working on what Jason assumed to be a replacement part for Festus. There had been a lot of those lately, as Leo tried to figure out what was causing the misfire issues. He hadn’t been able to actually resolve them yet, but he was pretty enthusiastic about it, and Festus seemed thrilled with all the attention and Tabasco sauce he’d been getting.

Jason meant to say something when he entered, but Leo seemed so utterly absorbed in his work that for a moment, Jason was transfixed just watching his boyfriend’s practiced motions, hammering away on heated metal, changing the shape only slightly until he got it just right. 

Jason had seen the gods do impossible things before, but this—the way Leo could create anything he set his mind to, from small toys to replacement parts for giant metal dragons to a trireme they’d spent several weeks living in—was a different kind of magic, and one he’d never grow tired of watching. 

Leo turned to grab a tool off the workbench and noticed him. He yelped, almost jumping out of his chair.

“Gods, Jase, I thought you were a swamp monster for a second,” he said, eyes wide. “You can’t sneak up on me like that! What if I’d decided to blast fire first and ask questions later?”

“At least that might have dried my clothes?” Jason suggested, rubbing at his face. His throat felt weird when he spoke. His voice sounded a little off. “Sorry for sneaking up on you. Too tired to think.”

“Which brings me to my next set of questions: why are you up, and why are you drenched? Did you piss off the naiads or something?”

Leo had put the small hammer he’d been holding back on the workbench, and now Jason had his undivided attention. It was a completely stupid reaction in this particular context, but having Leo look at him like that still made his face feel hot. In the best possible way, undivided attention from Leo was something Jason would absolutely never get used to.

“I didn’t sleep great, so I got back up,” he said, not technically lying but not really telling the truth, either. He moved closer to Leo. The heat from the forge helped, but the shivering was far worse than he’d realized. He let himself sink to the floor, pressing his eyes closed for a moment. He felt off. “As for your second question: have you looked outside lately?”

The forge had been built to be partially open, which was the only reason most people were able to breathe in here, and also meant you had an excellent view of the ongoing rainstorm.

This should have made it impossible to miss, but Leo blinked, confused, like he’d only just realized what was going on outside.

“Oh shit, we’ve got weather.”

“Yeah.” Jason sighed. “My father is apparently having a bad time and decided everyone else also needs to have a bad time.”

“That sounds like him.” Leo shook his head. “I didn’t even notice.”

“Not surprised. You seemed really absorbed when I got here.” Jason shrugged. “Not like I’m any better. Pretty sure if a building collapsed around me while I was sketching, I wouldn‘t realize until one of the rafters hit me in the head.”

“Sparky, we talked about this. No tempting the head injury deities,” Leo joked, looking him over. “How did you get this muddy on a five minute walk?”

“I didn’t.” Jason rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly. “I’ve had a few bad nights. Sleeping outside helps.”

“And here I thought one of my foster siblings waking me with a wet washcloth to the face was a dick move. You got a whole storm.” Leo might still have been joking, but there was an anxious edge to it now. He kneeled down next to Jason and pressed a hand to his face, eyes wide with alarm. “You’re freezing. It’s mid-December, Jason. Were you trying to compete with Khione for icicle of the year?” 

His hand was so warm that Jason wanted to melt into him. 

The words “you’re hot” were out of his mouth before his brain could fully register what he was saying. 

Leo grinned. “Yeah, I know, but it’s nice to be appreciated. C’mere, let’s get you warmed up.”

He wrapped around Jason, everything but his prosthetic leg slowly growing warm in a controlled burst of heat. After a moment of this, Jason’s clothes began to feel more moist than soaked, and the cold that had been seeping into his bones subsided. He still didn’t feel great, but he could have stayed like this forever, warm and comfortable and safe in a way he rarely felt. In a way he wasn’t sure he’d ever felt around anyone but Leo.

He had no idea how to express that, though—not even when he wasn’t sleep deprived and his head wasn’t spinning. In the current situation, all his brain unhelpfully supplied was “radiator boyfriend. Neat.”

It was stupid, and not at all what he’d meant to say, but Leo was laughing, so maybe he’d done something right. The laugh was a noise and a feeling with the way Leo was holding him. Jason’s limbs felt like pudding, and he knew it wasn’t just because of the warmth.

“I know, I know, you’ve got so much to brag about.” Leo was beaming. He was gorgeous, and also significantly blurrier than he’d been a moment ago. “Now we’re both nice and muddy, but at least you’re dry.”

“Mm.” Dry or not, Jason didn’t want to let go yet. “Do I win?”

Leo blinked. “What?”

“The icicle thing,” Jason said, and his boyfriend’s expression shifted again. Leo’s eyebrows drew together in something that was probably concern. Jason wasn’t entirely sure—mostly because the image was still swimming. That… probably wasn’t good. 

“Yeah. Always. No competition.” Leo pressed a kiss to his forehead. “You’re really out of it, hm?”

“I feel weird,” Jason admitted reluctantly. “It’s probably nothing.”

This was made slightly less convincing by the fact that he finished this sentence off with a coughing fit.

“Yeah, you’re sick. Garbage combo with being sleep-deprived and getting drenched, in my experience. You need to be inside, in a bed, like, three days ago.”

“Is time travel something you’re working on?”

“Obviously. What, did you think I was kidding all those times I talked about wanting to go back in time to kick my own ass?” Leo joked, but it was obvious his heart wasn’t in it. He kept looking at Jason like he was an unstable machine about to fall to bits. “Do you think you can get up?”

“Yeah,” Jason said, trying and failing to push himself up on his elbows. His head hurt, and his limbs still felt like pudding. “Actually, maybe I need a moment.”

“That’s fine,” Leo said, with an expression that didn’t fit the statement even slightly. “I need to get everything shut down, anyway. Just don’t fall asleep on me here. I do not feel like draggingyou all the way inside.”

~~~

Jason felt more relieved than he cared to admit that by inside, Leo meant the Hephaestus cabin and not taking him back to the Zeus cabin he’d avoided sleeping in for the past few days. Partially because he really didn’t feel like being scrutinized by his father’s statue now any more than he had a few hours ago, and partially because even after the full fifteen minutes of break he’d gotten while Leo took care of things at the forge, he genuinely wasn’t sure he could have made it all the way there.

He was exhausted and dizzy, and it was obvious enough that Leo kept anxiously joking about handing over his crutches.

The rain had stopped just as abruptly as it had started, but the cold wind didn’t seem to be going anywhere. In his infinite, severely addled wisdom, Jason tried to get it to die down himself, but all that achieved was almost making him black out on the spot, and the wind just seemed to target him more viciously afterwards.

It was a fairly short walk, but by the time they got inside Jason felt like an icicle all over again, despite Leo’s attempts to stay close and radiate warmth the whole way.

Leo had a nice room—cluttered and cozy and without any looming statues of his father standing over him as he slept. The walls were plastered with blueprints, written-on and covered in sticky notes. There were several layers of them, and even the top layer ones were partially covering each other because Leo had run out of space. In a few spots, pictures of their friends poked out from under the rolled-up edges of blueprints or had been pinned neatly to those that weren’t currently in use. The bedside table was a mess of several unfinished projects, and it was kind of a miracle it hadn’t broken down under the weight yet.

Jason liked being here. It was one of the few places in camp that actually felt private. 

All the clutter had made him anxious at first. Even without his memories, he hadn’t been able to shake the Roman discipline that had been trained into him since early childhood.

But being around Leo meant chaos, and Jason had learned that was a good thing, more often than not. There was a kind of chaos that was terrifying, and there was a kind that made him feel alive, thrumming heartbeat and all. This kind of chaos was homey and lived-in and welcoming, in a way the Zeus cabin could never be. It didn’t feel like Jason had to carve out a space for himself here. It was already there—provided he didn’t mind accidentally sitting on a wrench every now and again.

The bed was small, which meant every time they had a movie night, they were squeezed tightly next to each other. Which, looking back on it, was maybe part of the reason they’d had so many of those even before they’d started dating. 

Right now, Jason was mostly just relieved to be sitting down. The world grew a little less hazy.

“You want tea or something to get warmed up? I’d offer you cocoa, but I don’t think there’s enough sugar at camp for the amount you usually put in there,” Leo teased, sitting down next to him.

Jason immediately melted back into him, wrapping his arms around Leo’s back and pressing his face to his boyfriend’s warm cheek. 

“Sure, or you could go ahead and leech all my warmth without asking,” Leo laughed, upping his body temperature a bit more. “Is this good? Anything else you need from me or am I fully replaceable by a portable heater?” 

“You’re perfect. I love you.” 

It felt impossible how easy that was to say, considering it was only the second time, and Jason hadn’t even said it out loud the first time.

Leo’s body temperature went up more, like a full body blush. Not that Jason was complaining.

“Flirting with a heater is a little weird, Superman,” Leo joked. “But hey, you didn’t even make any typos this time.”

“In my defense, I’m both dyslexic and suck at Morse code,” Jason laughed. He was pretty sure he was smiling like an idiot. He was also pretty sure he didn’t care. “Besides, you liked it.”

“You wish,” Leo replied, soft and fond. He shifted so he could wrap his warm arms around Jason again. “Love you, too.”

Leo had tapped out the words against the table at breakfast absent-mindedly a week and a half ago. Jason hadn’t understood what it meant, just that it was probably Morse code, and Leo had refused to tell him when asked, but he’d blushed so furiously that his head ended up on fire, which got the message across, anyway.

Jason had IMed Annabeth after and asked her to teach him, then practiced for three days because he really wanted to get it right.

He’d still managed to mess up at the end because he’d gotten nervous, spelling out “kof” instead of “you”, but he hadn’t had time to feel embarrassed about it. Leo had looked at him, wide-eyed, then beamed at him like he was the sun and kissed him, only stopping when he realized he was starting to burn a handprint into Jason’s shirt. 

Maybe it had been too soon by regular mortal standards—Jason never could figure those things out, it wasn’t like he’d ever had much of a shot at a normal life—but demigod lives were short and they’d both already had one brush with death. Some things just weren’t worth the risk of waiting.

“Sorry for dragging so much mud into your room, by the way,” Jason sighed, halfway muffled by Leo’s warm shoulder.

His boyfriend snorted. “Oh yeah, because we both know I’m infamous for my clean room and even cleaner clothes. I’m basically obligated to break up with you now.” He gestured at the general chaos of the room, then down at himself, covered in oil and soot where he hadn’t absorbed Jason’s dried mud. “Pretty sure we both need a shower, but you don’t look like you’re getting back up. I can at least steal you some clean clothes from one of my siblings, since unfortunately I do actually have to shower before bed.”

“That can't wait until tomorrow?” Jason asked, not wanting to let go.

Leo sighed. “I wish. There are some unfortunate downsides to getting your leg chewed off—yeah, I know, who’d’ve thought. One of them is that if I try to skip my evening routine or shower in the morning, my stump is going to be a whiny nightmare about it.” He rolled his eyes. “Turns out I can set the whole thing on fire and that’s fine, but sometimes I’ll have swelling issues over warm water—because that makes sense. It would be kind of funny if it wasn’t so annoying.”

“Trials and tribulations of being a demigod,” Jason replied, trying to keep the mood light, because even with his brain full of fog, he knew Leo, and knew he still got anxious talking about this. “We should really get our money back.”

Hell, Jason felt like a terrible boyfriend for all the things he didn’t know Leo had to do differently since he’d lost part of his leg, but the only tidbits of information Leo had volunteered were shared through jokes, and pushing him when he wasn’t ready wouldn’t have been fair orproductive, no matter how much Jason wanted to help.

“Yeah, tell me about it. But whatever. I’ll get the hang of it eventually.” Leo smiled at him. “I have to make sure you’re properly warmed up before I leave, though. You gonna be alright here on your own? Need me to tuck you in?” It was only half-teasing.

Jason just sighed and let his head drop back onto his boyfriend’s warm shoulder.

~~~

Jason missed Leo’s warmth immediately. He changed into the borrowed pajamas his boyfriend had tossed at him on his way out, which took way longer than he cared to admit. Then he curled up under the blanket. He was immediately hit with an overwhelming sense of exhaustion, the heaviness in his limbs growing worse now that he was lying down. His head hurt.

He changed positions several times, pulling the blanket tighter around himself, but it didn’t really help.

He stared at the ceiling and tried to get his mind to stop racing. Despite how tired he was, sleep seemed impossible. Since getting back, it was like he’d been waiting for the next thing to go awry, keeping himself busy so he couldn’t think too much about whatever that next thing would be. At night, these thoughts were much harder to push away.

He should have been used to them by now, but he couldn’t deal with the nightmares, either. Lately, he’d had so many where all he could ever seem to do was watch. Watch as people got hurt and died around him during the battle of Mount Othrys. Watch Reyna fall several meters down the side of a mountain, unable to catch her because he couldn’t waste the opening she’d given him against Krios. Watch as a fight broke out between both Camps he called home, unable to stop it. Watch as they were nearly overrun by monsters because he wasn’t Roman enough for the undead legion to consider him a leader. Watch Leo turn himself into an inferno to stop Gaia, unsure if there would be anything left of him to revive.

Some hero he was.

Gaia was gone. Jason wasn’t having visions of terrible things that would happen in the future. But he didn’t feel calm or peaceful. He’d spent so much of his life fighting that he wasn’t sure he’d ever known what being at peace felt like.

Time seemed to pass in slow motion. Jason tried not to think, which was about as successful as one might expect.

By the time Leo got back, he’d worked himself into such an anxiety frenzy that when Leo flopped down on the bed, Jason accidentally gave him an electric shock.

“Ow! You don’t need to take the Sparky nickname so literally, you know.” The mattress moved next to Jason, and he briefly wondered if Leo had decided it wasn’t worth the risk of actually sharing the bed and was getting back up, but then his boyfriend’s hand was moving soothingly up and down his arm. “You good?”

“Yeah. Sorry. Still a little cold, but not sure what that was for.”

In another pointless attempt to get comfortable, Jason had moved to face the wall, so he was currently staring intently at blueprints for some sort of multi-functional weapon—a two-handed sword that could be transformed into a large shield, by the looks of it—instead of looking at Leo. It felt easier that way. If he’d been facing his boyfriend, Leo would probably be able to see how close he was to having a nervous breakdown, and then Jason would have to explain, and he didn’t want to explain. He didn’t want to make himself an even bigger burden than he already was. 

Jason was supposed to be a leader, for gods’ sake. He’d been in this life so much longer than anyone else he knew. He was supposed to be able to handle these things.

“Well, luckily for you, cold is something I’m an expert at fixing,” Leo announced, squeezing his shoulder. “Now scoot over, you’re hogging like three-quarters of my bed.”

It took Jason an embarrassing amount of effort to move. His limbs felt like they were made out of celestial bronze. Once he’d semi-successfully managed it, Leo wrapped around him, which made the effort more than worth it. 

Jason could feel himself trembling against his boyfriend’s warmth. He knew it was more than just the cold—his anxiety made him feel just about ready to vibrate out of his skin. But he closed his eyes and tried to focus on Leo’s breaths, the way his chest rose and fell against his back, and it helped him get a handle on his own breathing. That was good. He really didn’t want to give Leo another shock by accident.

“You sure you’re okay?” Leo asked quietly. He sounded worried. Jason hated making him worry.

He was going to reply, but instead he just burst into another coughing fit, which wasn’t quite the answer he’d wanted to give.

“Sorry. Stupid question.” Leo moved his arm away from Jason’s chest. “You want me to wake Will? Oh, or I could get Kayla. Her sleep schedule is pretty shitty. She might still be up.”

“How do you even know that?”

“Amputee privileges. I spend so much time in the infirmary that I get inside scoop.” Jason could hear the grin in his boyfriend’s voice. “So, you know, might as well abuse those privileges for your sake while I’m at it.”

“No, that’s okay.” Jason took the arm Leo had been moving and pulled it back to its previous spot. “I think I just want to sleep.”

“Fine.” Leo moved his head, adjusting it against the back of Jason’s neck. His curls tickled a little. “I’m warning you, though, if you get any worse, I’m contractually obligated to drag you to the infirmary. If you have an issue with that, that’s on you for not reading the boyfriend fine print.”

Jason snorted. “You’re terrible.”

“I live to annoy and be your personal heat lamp, in that order.” Leo squeezed Jason’s hand. “Speaking of, is this okay? I could go warmer, but you’re not as cold as earlier, and I should probably save some of my hotness for daytime hours.”

“It’s perfect.”

Sleep came impossibly easy, with Leo wrapped around him like this, radiating warmth. 

And even more impossibly, for once Jason didn’t dream.

~~~

Jason woke up feeling worse. His throat felt like someone had sandblasted it, his head hurt like hell and he was exhausted, despite having slept for most of the night.

Right. Nothing a little ambrosia couldn‘t fix.

He blinked a few times, taking in his surroundings in utter confusion. He was lying on his back. He distantly remembered waking at one point throughout the night to find Leo sprawled halfway across him, but the comforting weight was gone from his chest now.

The bed had folded back out of Leo’s tiny room into the bigger Hephaestus cabin, which was currently pretty much deserted, except for Leo and, for some reason, Will Solace, who was standing next to the bed with a breakfast tray.

“Huh?” Jason rubbed at his eyes, trying to make sense of the scene through the haze in his head. Light streamed in through the windows, much too bright for the early morning wake-up time Jason had rarely been able to shake due to his childhood at Camp Jupiter. “What time is it?”

His raw throat didn’t really like him speaking very much.

“You slept through breakfast. Not too surprising, considering you look about as alive as you did the time you got incinerated by Hera and you spent like half the night-” Leo paused, wincing when Jason burst into a coughing fit. He moved to sit next to him on the bed and pat his arm gently, which did absolutely nothing except feel kind of nice. “-doing exactly that.”

“Okay, but what’s with the food?” Jason asked once his body would let him, gesturing vaguely in the direction of Will, who was setting down the tray on the weirdly empty bedside table.

“I spent about an hour making a mess of Chiron’s kitchen to cook you something. Sick people privileges and stuff. If anyone asks about broken mugs in the next few days, play dumb.” Leo was clearly going for careless nonchalance, but Jason could hear a twinge of annoyance in his voice. “Crutches are seriously inconvenient sometimes.”

“I had to have a conversation with him about pushing himself beyond his recovery timeline and trying to carry things around without his crutches while we’re still working on his balance,” Will commented, glaring at Leo in the worried doctor way that all Apollo kids seemed to inherit. “Especially when it made sense for me to come along to check on you, anyway.”

“You okay?” Jason asked worriedly, squeezing his boyfriend’s hand. Leo felt kind of cold, which would have been alarming, except Jason wasn’t sure how much of that was his own body being seriously out of whack.

“Nope, nice try, but I’m the one fussing over you right now. Speaking of-” Leo turned back to Will, whose expression had softened, “I’m shit at normal human body temperatures, being the fire guy and all, but I’m pretty sure he’s running a fever.”

“Yeah, I’m absolutely putting him on bed rest,” Will said, pressing a hand to Jason’s face.

Unlike Leo’s, Will’s hand was icy. Jason shivered and tried to pull away.

“Cold.”

“No, not even a little cold. Leo’s right about the fever,” Will concluded, thankfully removing his freezing hand from Jason’s face. “Flu. Nothing a few days of rest won’t fix, but I’ll get you something to help with the cough.”

Jason opened his mouth to protest—there were things to be done, he couldn’t just leave everyone else to do all the work, especially not for several days—but the only thing he managed was another lengthy, painful coughing fit.

“Hey look, even your body could tell you were about to say something stupid,” Leo teased, doing a terrible job of hiding the concern on his face. “You wanna try and at least drink something to make your throat feel a little less like shit? I get it if you're not hungry. I wasn’t sure what you’d feel like having, so I… may have gone a little overboard.”

He was seriously underselling it. He’d brought water and tea and orange juice. Food-wise, there was a plate of cut-up fruit, plain toast, scrambled eggs and some sort of soup that was still steaming and smelled great.

Jason’s throat went tight.

“You didn’t have to do that.”

“Yeah, yeah, I know, but just making food appear out of thin air felt like cheating, and I’m not gonna start half-assing the boyfriend thing already. I haven’t even had the job for that long. It’s too soon for me to start slacking off.”

“I’m not really hungry, but water sounds okay. The food looks amazing, though. I’ll eat something in a bit,” Jason promised, struggling to find the words to express just how grateful he was that Leo would do this for him. He moved to sit up. “It’s already pretty late, and I said I’d help with the roofing, so I should just take a bit of ambrosia and get on that. With how much it rained last night-”

The world tilted horribly, and if it hadn’t been for Leo reaching out to steady him, Jason was pretty sure he would’ve toppled sideways off the bed.

“Sometimes I know exactly why you’re friends with Nico.” Will may have been terribly blurry, but Jason could still tell he had one hand pressed to his forehead in annoyance. “Ambrosia is for missions and emergencies. You not wanting to let yourself rest is not an emergency. I can give you a bit to help manage the symptoms, but you still need to take a few days off and give your body a break. You’re exhausted. The ambrosia won’t fix that.”

“I can still do this,” Jason insisted, trying to fight the growing panic in his chest. He had to earn his place here. He had to contribute. He’d known since he was a young child that showing weakness was a mistake he couldn’t afford to make. “I need to do this.”

He moved towards the edge of the bed, vertigo be damned, and it took a tremendous effort to untangle himself from the blankets. For a moment he thought his glasses were fogging up at the edges—then he remembered he’d left his glasses in the Zeus cabin yesterday. The thing going foggy was his eyesight.

It didn’t matter. He needed to get up.

Before he could try, his boyfriend’s arms wrapped around him from the side.

“Hey, Superman, that’s enough.” Leo didn’t sound like this a lot—strict and decisive and genuinely a little mad. It made Jason stop in his tracks. “Camp won’t fall apart if you don’t work yourself half to death for a few days. I’ve been dead, okay? It’s seriously overrated, trust me.”

“But-”

“Jase, look at me. Breathe. You’re okay.” Leo’s voice had softened. One arm was still wrapped around Jason. The other had moved up to his head, fingers combing through his damp hair. “Stop being an idiot and don’t force your amputee boyfriend to figure out how to scrape you off the floor after you inevitably faint and hit your head, yeah?”

Leo looked terribly worried, and Jason knew he was actively making it worse. It made him feel awful. 

After another moment of hesitation, he allowed himself to collapse against his boyfriend, exhausted and dizzy and with a horrible ache in his chest. “I’m sorry.”

Leo exhaled audibly into his hair.

“Yeah, I can’t believe you’d get sick on purpose just to make me worry. That was such a dick move, dude,” he said sarcastically, then pressed a kiss to Jason’s head. “Lie back down, please?”

A part of Jason was still protesting, but he felt incredibly off and it was impossible to tell Leo “no” when he looked at him like that.

He let himself sink back onto the mattress, which at least made the room stop spinning.

“Happy now?”

“Yeah, yeah, gold star for not being a complete dumbass.” Jason could hear the smile in his voice. “Do you want a sticker or something?”

“Can you just put your hand back in my hair? That felt really nice.”

“Still here by the way,” Will said awkwardly, and Jason could feel his cheeks growing even warmer because he actually had forgotten about Will. “Doesn’t look like I’m needed anymore, though. I’ll go grab some meds.” He turned to Leo. “Make sure Jason drinks enough water and gets some sleep and he should be fine.”

“Oh, I’ll pester him as much as necessary, don’t worry. You know how annoying I can get.” Leo grinned. “Thanks for the help.”

“If you need anything else, you know where to find me.”

~~~

The bits of ambrosia Jason got still tasted like Leo’s tacos, and like Will had warned, they didn’t magically fix everything.

“If I give you any more, you’ll just try to help and hurt yourself, and then we’ll end up right back here.”

That seemed like a fair enough point, but Jason still didn’t like it. It was hard to convince his brain it was actually okay to let himself rest. When you’d learnt at two years old that showing weakness would get you killed, telling yourself it was fine and safe and nothing bad would happen to you in this specific instance and actually believing that was hard. Hell, his last stab wound had helpfully sorted itself out when he’d recklessly thrown himself into battle despite feeling like death. Keeping himself up and running was safe. This did not feel safe.

And sure, there was a protocol for handling illness and injuries at Camp Jupiter that usually included mandated rest periods. But when everyone looked up to you, expecting you to be the leader, it was hard to figure out where to draw the line. At which point was he objectively bad enough to neglect his duties?

As long as he could stand upright, it was probably fine. When he couldn’t, he’d just nibble on an ambrosia cube until he could. When that didn’t work, he was probably dead and no longer needed to worry about it.

Right now, he wasn’t dead or even dying, and so it didn't feel like a reasonable excuse to neglect his duties for something as stupid as staying in bed and doing nothing—even with Leo there to pester him and make jokes and offer him home-cooked meals that could be warmed up at a flick of his wrist.

It didn’t feel real to Jason that he was just allowed to have this.

If nothing else, since he’d taken the ambrosia he could at least sit up without feeling like he was about to topple off the bed, which meant Leo was currently pestering him into finishing his glass of water.

Jason was only half-listening, his mind continuously wandering back to all the things he should be doing instead of this.

“I can hear you thinking, Superman. It’s loud and very annoying.” Leo ruffled his hair. “Talk to me? We did say we’d give it a shot, but we’re both still kind of garbage at it.”

“I really feel like I should be up and helping,” Jason sighed. He was glad to be able to manage a full sentence without bursting into another coughing fit, but talking still hurt. “At least check on the temples to make sure nothing got damaged last night.”

“Nope. Wrong answer. Immediately disqualified.” Leo made a noise that was obviously supposed to resemble the sound of an incorrect buzzer on a quiz show, though it sounded like someone had kicked the poor buzzer down the stairs instead of pressing it. “The only thing you’re supposed to be doing right now is resting, and you’re doing a terrible job. You’ve basically been non-stop doing things since we finished dealing with Gaia. The temples, now this project… I know I’m one to talk, but you need a vacation or something.” Leo smirked. “I hear Greece is really nice this time of year.”

“Oh yeah, I’d love to spend all of our first vacation as a couple trying not to get killed.”

“You say that like trying not to get killed isn’t the foundation of this relationship,” Leo teased him. “But Greece or otherwise, you’re not talking yourself out of this vacation. Take it from the resident expert on running: you’ve got a tendency to keep yourself running when you shouldn’t, and you really need to stop.”

“Didn’t you tell me you were an expert at sticking around at one point?” Jason asked, raising an eyebrow.

“I can’t believe you remember that,” Leo said, laughing, like it was absurd that that moment had meant enough to Jason for him to remember it. Like Jason hadn’t built his life around the fact that his mom had promised to come back and left him instead. Like Leo, who had been runningand running and running for most of his life, hadn’t seen the fear in his eyes and chosen to stay.

“Of course I remember,” Jason said softly.

Leo gulped, clearly emotional, but then he immediately shifted back into his joke default. 

“Damn it. Should have known you keep a folder of quotes to throw back at me at the right moment. You’re exactly the type of nerd who has folders on everything.” He shook his head. “To answer your question: I’ve got layers, babe. I have to keep you on your toes somehow.” 

“I thought the point of this was to get me to rest? Isn’t that the opposite of keeping me on my toes?”

“You’re lucky I like you as much as I do.” Leo rolled his eyes, but then he smiled at Jason. “I’ll let you in on a little secret: I was trying to be supportive and also full of shit. I’m getting better at the sticking around thing, though. You can blame yourself and Piper for that one. Fourteen year old Leo would be quaking in his boots.”

It was more sincere than Leo usually was, and Jason really did feel lucky.

“Fourteen year old me would also be pretty shocked if he could see me now,” Jason admitted quietly. “He never slept past six am. He was also never this happy.”

“Six am?” Leo’s eyes bugged out of his head. “Is that standard for Camp Jupiter? Gods, no wonder Reyna is always so cranky.”

Jason laughed, which rapidly dissolved into another coughing fit. Laughing was still out, then. That was really unfortunate considering his boyfriend was right there.

“I think you’d like Reyna if you gave her an actual shot. There’s a reason we were best friends for years.” Their relationship had never quite gone back to what it had been before the whole memory wipe kidnapping incident, but Jason was back to being friends with Reyna, and he was glad for that. “Are you still scared of her?”

“Not as much. Piper’s trying exposure therapy. The results are so-so, but at least I don’t think she wants to kill me anymore,” Leo joked. Then he shoved the half-full glass of water back into Jason’s face. “Speaking of ways to prevent death: I’m supposed to keep you from getting dehydrated. Bottoms up!”

Jason sighed, but his throat still hurt, even if it did feel a little less sandpapered than before, and the water helped.

What it didn’t help with was the exhaustion—this ridiculous, inconvenient feeling of wanting to just curl up against Leo and let himself go unconscious. He may have been significantly less dizzy, but he still went between random flashes of feeling too warm and too cold and sometimes both at once.

“It’s fine if you want to go back to sleep, you know,” Leo said like he’d read his mind—or, more likely, Jason’s bone-deep exhaustion was just written all over his face. He took the empty glass and placed it back down on the bedside table. “I may be terrible at going to bed at reasonable hours, and sleep gets a general 5/10 from me because of all the nightmares, but unfortunately, it is important, especially when you’re sick. I don’t mind just sitting with you for a while.”

“If you’re staying with me, we should at least do something together,” Jason protested. “This isn’t exactly fun for you. I don’t want to just sleep and waste a whole bunch of your time.”

“You’re overestimating your influence, Superman. I have ADHD. I can waste my own time just fine without your help.” Leo smiled down at him, running his hand through Jason’s hair again. Jason closed his eyes and leaned into the movement. “Besides, we both know I’m the fun one in this relationship. Your job is more, like, mother henning so I occasionally go to bed before two am and actually remember to eat lunch instead of just disappearing down the project void for three days.”

“Shut up,” Jason laughed, which rapidly turned into another coughing fit. Gods, usually he loved how much Leo made him laugh, but it was a little inconvenient right now.

“See? Clearly, I’m the fun one. Now stop being ridiculous and just go back to sleep.”

Jason wanted to protest again, but his thoughts were turning to mush. His head was on Leo’s lap, and Leo was so, so warm that anything coherent he tried to grasp at drifted away before he could form even half a sentence. That just felt like cheating on Leo’s part.

Being sick still didn’t feel safe to Jason. This whole situation of him letting himself rest didn’t feel safe or right or like something he should be allowed to do.

But he knew so instinctively that Leo would never let anything happen to him that it was hard to feel anything but safe with him. With Leo there, Jason always felt like everything was going to be alright.

————————————————————————

Leo was pretty sure he was failing as a boyfriend. 

The thing was, Leo was kind of garbage at taking care of people. He knew that wasn’t entirely his fault—no one had properly taken care of him when he was sick since he was eight years old, and just crawling under the bedsheets hoping his foster parents didn’t realize he was sick or finding himself a slightly less drafty bridge to sleep under weren’t exactly great precedents to base your care for someone else on.

But knowing that didn’t help. Jason was great with stuff like this. He knew how to calm Leo down when he was freaking out, made him cocoa in the middle of the night and had made sure Leo didn’t go stir-crazy when he’d been stuck in the infirmary for more than a week after the Gaia fight. That Leo was fucking terrible at it and he didn’t feel like he could properly help Jason in return made him feel like shit.

After his boyfriend had dozed off the night before, Leo had realized very quickly that he absolutely should have dragged him to the infirmary—or at least he should have broken in and stolen a few ambrosia cubes. Leo hadn’t really slept much. Jason had spent the whole night sweating and shivering against him, coughing so badly that Leo had been worried one of his lungs might come up, but he hadn’t been able to wake Jason when he tried, and physically hadn’t been able to leave the bed until sometime this morning. Every time he’d tried to pull his arm away from Jason’s chest, Jason had made a half-asleep whining noise and pulled it back, until eventually, he’d turned onto his back and wrapped fully around Leo, pinning him in place like a misbehaving pup. 

It would have been hilarious if it hadn’t been so inconvenient.

Austin had been the only Apollo cabin member up when Leo had gotten there, and Leo hadbothered him into checking on Jason, but Austin’s powers were more concentrated in the musical than the healing range. He’d mainly concluded that Jason wouldn’t die and advised Leo to let him sleep for a while longer and ask Will to check in later if it didn’t get better.

Leo had then proceeded to waste most of the morning trying to figure out how to cheer Jason up.

He’d gotten a whole bunch of unhelpful advice from his friends, both in-person and via Iris Message. Reyna had said she liked to be left alone, and had absolutely no advice to offer in regards to what Jason usually did or needed when he was sick. She actually couldn’t remember him ever being sick in all the time she’d known him, which said some concerning things about the amount of off time he usually allowed himself to take.

Piper had said her dad used to tell her stories to make her feel better when she’d been little, which would have been helpful if Jason had been five. She’d also confirmed Jason was a terrible patient, which, considering he’d tossed himself into the ocean with a life-threatening stab wound at one point, didn’t take a genius to figure out.

Because Piper was just like that, she’d pointed out that Leo wasn’t much better, which, while not technically untrue, wasn’t exactly helpful advice, either.

Annabeth had said she didn’t get sick, which Percy side-eyed her for, and then she’d admitted she just liked knowing someone was there. Doing what, exactly? Who knew.

Percy was the only one who’d said something Leo could actually use: that his mom usually cooked something he liked to cheer him up. 

Leo could do cooking. 

So, as per Austin’s expert advice, he’d let Jason sleep, and after breakfast, he’d gotten to work in the kitchen.

Leo liked being in the kitchen of the big house, usually. Cooking relaxed him.

But he hadn’t done a whole lot of it since he’d lost his leg, and navigating the kitchen with his crutches had turned out to be a bigger issue than he’d expected. Carrying things around was fine if they were in closed boxes or bags, but carrying a mug with liquid? Yeah, nope, not happening.

But, after some mishaps, he’d found workarounds. He’d gone completely overboard because he wasn’t sure what Jason would actually feel like eating. It wasn’t like he didn’t know some of the things Jason liked, but none of the ones that came to mind exactly screamed sick person comfort foods to Leo.

He’d made a cup of that terrible herbal tea Jason liked for some reason, and a whole bunch of small things like cut fruits and dry toast. Leo had even tried to recreate the chicken pozole he remembered his own mom had sometimes made when he wasn’t feeling well. The memory made his heart clench in his chest, but he felt like he had to at least try.

There hadn’t been any major disasters during the actual cooking process. The main problem came after, when Leo realized he hadn’t really thought through how he’d get the food back to the Hephaestus cabin. Carrying a tray with crutches was even less possible than carrying around mugs filled with liquid. 

So, well, Leo had chosen to just not use the crutches. He’d decided it was probably fine as long as he was careful. He could mostly walk around without crutches okay.

Admittedly, most of that walking had been without carrying anything heavy and with both Will and a wall readily available in case he needed to steady himself. And sure, they didn’t do these types of exercises for more than a few minutes at a time because Leo’s sense of balance was still shit. But he’d thought he could do this.

Will rushing up to him a few steps out of the building had been the only reason Leo and everything he was carrying hadn’t ended up all over the lawn.

“Leo, we talked about this,” Will had chided him, taking over carrying the tray.

He’d spent the whole walk to the cabin trying to talk Leo through recovery timelines, which Leo had tuned out after the second sentence.

Leo knew that stuff. He was painfully aware of the fact that it usually took over six months, sometimes up to a year, to be able to walk without crutches after an amputation. They’d talked through this in detail several times.

That didn’t mean he was thrilled about this fact.

Sure, Leo was making decent progress. And he was trying to be patient with himself.

But it had been months at this point, and he’d never been a particularly patient person, and that he was doing better didn’t mean he didn’t have days like today when he really wanted to hurl his crutches at a wall.

The other issue he was currently having was that his left leg hurt.

Leo was pretty sure he knew the cause of this—Will had told him he was supposed to regularly take the prosthesis off and check if the skin underneath was getting irritated, and also give his stump breaks throughout the day.

The thing was, Leo wasn’t great about this. Partially, this was because he got hyperfocused a lot when he was working on his little projects and he just forgot. Partially, this was also because he’d had two legs for sixteen years of his life, and even after three and a half months in this new situation, he still didn’t always remember that this wasn’t the case anymore. That part felt fucking idiotic, because most of the time he obviously did know and was unable to forget if he tried, but sometimes when he was especially sleep-deprived or intensely focused on something else, his brain just blocked out this particular part of reality. Having his prosthesis on when he worked late significantly reduced the risk of him trying to get up to fetch a tool and epically belly-flopping onto the floor of the forge in the process.

…okay, that one had been a one time occurrence and very early on, but still. Never again.

Nyssa and Jake hadn’t been weird about it—Nyssa had helped him sit up while Jake had gone to fetch Will, and both of them had the decency to never bring it up again. Leo still wanted to burn a hole into the floor from sheer embarrassment whenever he thought of it.

So, yeah, staying up as late as he had and keeping the prosthesis on the whole time, Leo was pretty sure he’d irritated the shit out of his stump, in ways his evening routine hadn’t been able to fix. Again. 

He should have probably gone to Will or Kayla about this. At the very least, he should have taken his prosthetic leg off and iced the painful spots a little. If it had been any other day, he probably would have.

He didn’t.

Instead, he let Jason nap on his lap for two hours, which surprisingly did not help his leg pain.

Leo should have been better about this, especially when Will had literally just given him a lecture about not pushing himself. But the only semi-useful thing Leo had managed to do so far was make Jason food, which Jason hadn’t even eaten because he wasn’t feeling well. 

So, yeah, fucking incredible work in the boyfriend department, Valdez.

The least he could do was let Jason sleep in a position he was obviously comfortable in, even if it was objectively only comfortable for one of them.

Aside from the pain, Leo didn’t really mind this situation very much. He spent an embarrassing amount of time just watching his boyfriend sleep like a complete weirdo. 

Despite the fact that Jason was still sweating and shivering under the blanket, and despite the fact that every time he coughed it was obvious that it hurt, he looked… almost peaceful. 

Jason wasn’t good at looking peaceful. Even asleep, it always seemed like he was one command away from jumping to his feet with his sword drawn. Almost was the closest he ever got.

And almost peaceful Jason was an image Leo really struggled to tear himself away from. It made him yearn for a future where maybe he’d get Jason all the way to actually peaceful, now that the end of the world wasn’t permanently hanging over their heads anymore. Leo imagined the machine shop he wanted, and getting to come home every night to a version of Jason that laughed easily and no longer remembered how to stand at attention.

Gods, Leo hadn’t even thought it possible to be this utterly gone for another person. A year ago, he hadn’t even thought he’d ever consider a place home again. Yet, here he was, just about a month into this relationship, thinking about living together. Talk about fucking u-hauling.

~~~

By the time Jason woke up, Leo had thankfully torn himself out of the kind of ridiculous fairytale futures that had always been reserved for other people and was fiddling with one of his little projects—an upgraded eye for Festus with a few extra sensors his current ones didn’t have.

Admittedly, Leo looking down at Jason might have been a slightly less disconcerting sight to wake up to than the giant metal eye that was currently staring down at him.

Jason yelped, and Leo was barely quick enough to move the large metal orb out of range before his boyfriend punched the spot of empty air where it had just been, nearly socking Leo on the jaw in the process.

“Whoa. Down, boy. No need to give me or Festus a black eye.” Leo dropped the eye on the floor next to the bed, then held his hands up defensively for extra effect. “This is mostly celestial bronze, anyway, so it’s not like you could do any real damage with your fists. It’s bad enough that you’re sick, we do not need to add broken fingers to the equation.”

Jason looked extremely startled. “Sorry. Oh gods, I’m so sorry. I thought- You okay?”

“You didn’t even actually hit me. Your uppercut needs work.” Leo gently flicked his boyfriend in the head. “Anyway, enough about me. How are you feeling?”

“A little better, I think.” This was followed immediately by another coughing fit. Leo raised an eyebrow. 

“You are the worst liar I know.” He ruffled Jason’s hair, since he seemed to really be enjoying that today. Note for future reference: sick Jason was like a dog that enjoyed getting petted. “You need anything?”

“Maybe water?” Jason shrugged. “I don’t know. Just if it’s not too much trouble.”

“Superman, I cooked for you for more than an hour this morning. I’ll survive a three second walk to the bathroom and back to fill up your cup.” Leo nudged him. “Besides, I’ve got a leg and a half that are super asleep right now. It’ll be nice to get up and stretch them for a bit.”

~~~

Despite this bold statement on Leo’s part, the short walk in question turned into a total disaster. 

Yeah, he could have made it to the bathroom and back without his crutches under most circumstances. He’d done that before.

But currently, his stupid stump was sore and hurt with every step and it turned out he could not manage.

He had to pause in the bathroom, the cup clenched in trembling fingers, which would have been embarrassing enough. But then it turned out he couldn’t make the way back at all.

The main issue wasn’t that the pain was so intense he couldn’t bear it—if it had been anything that serious, even Leo probably wouldn’t have been this much of a moron about it. The issue was that the fact that his steps stung kept throwing him off, and made Leo’s usually mediocre balance that Will had correctly pointed out they were still working on significantly worse.

Leo only made it about three quarters of the way back to his bed before he misstepped and fell, which was really just how this day was going. The main thoughts he had as he fell were annoyance and frustration directed at himself, as well as a distant relief that he’d had the presence of mind to take the plastic cup because at least that wouldn’t splinter.

Leo didn’t hit the floor. He was stopped mid-fall by first a strong gust of wind and then a pair of warm arms. 

Jason shouldn’t have been out of bed. He definitely shouldn’t have been using his powers. In the end, Jason’s immensely stupid rescue attempt just made them both crumple to the floor, right into the puddle of spilled water, though at a much slower speed than the one Leo had originally been going for.

“Are you okay?”

Leo wanted to say something funny, but he looked at his exhausted boyfriend who’d just wasted a bunch of his energy preventing him from getting hurt and just kind of started to cry. 

“Are you hurt? What’s wrong? Can I help?” Jason asked again, placing his hands on Leo’s shoulders. He sounded really alarmed, which just made Leo feel worse.

“I’m sorry I’m such garbage at this,” Leo sniffled. “You’re always so good with this stuff, but I can’t figure out how to help, and between my stupid crutches and my stupid leg hurting I can’t- I’m sorry I’ve been so useless.”

“Leo, what the hell are you talking about?” Jason looked something between concerned and seriously confused.

“I’m- my whole thing is that I know how to fix machines. But people? I don’t- I never know how to help when it comes to people. You’re not like Festus. I can’t just switch out your gears to make you feel better. I don’t know what I can do to make you feel better. What kind of awful boyfriend-”

“Stop.” Jason looked directly at him, eyes stormy. “You’ve been amazing. You are the best thing that’s ever happened to me, and I will not allow you to talk about yourself like this.”

“But-”

“No. Listen to me. If it wasn’t for you, I would have gone to help, and Will’s right, I probably would have ended up hurt. Most likely, I wouldn’t even have been upset about it, because that’s what I was raised to do. You said it yourself: I’m the prince of the universe. I’m supposed to take charge and get things done. It doesn’t matter if that doesn’t make me happy or if it isn’t good for me. That’s just who I have to be.” Jason’s voice cracked. “Everyone always expects me to be able to handle anything. But I’m not. You’re the only person who’s ever made me feel like it’s okay that I’m not.” 

“Oh,” was the only thing Leo could manage as Jason pulled him to his chest, holding him so gently that he could barely remember how to breathe.

And then they were both crying, adding to the stupid water puddle they were sitting in. They probably looked ridiculous. Leo didn’t care. Being wrapped in Jason’s arms like this immediately made him feel better.

“I can count the amount of times someone’s taken care of me on one hand, and that’s never involved another person sitting with me for hours and stroking my hair and cooking for me before. I almost burst into tears over a plate of cut fruit earlier,” Jason admitted quietly, gently nuzzling Leo’s neck. Gods, he still felt awfully warm. “But you don’t need to spend all day fussing, especially if you don’t feel great. It’s so nice to just have you here. I’ve been really anxious lately, and I just- all I ever wanted was for someone to stay.”

“Oh,” Leo repeated intelligently, his own voice cracking too. Damn it, that meant he’d have to tell Annabeth he should have taken her advice. She’d never let him live that down. “I can do that. I can stay.”

“Yeah, I know,” Jason sniffled. “But I don’t want you hurting yourself to help me, okay?”

“Says the guy who just almost made himself faint trying to catch me,” Leo commented, grimacing. “I hate to say it, but Piper was right when she said sometimes we’re the exact same brand of idiot. Let’s both try to work on that, yeah?”

Jason sighed. “Yeah. Okay.”

This left them with the issue of how to get back off the floor.

~~~

In the end, Piper rescued them, appearing out of thin air like Leo had fucking summoned her the second he’d admitted she was right.

She collected both of them off the floor, went to get Will, and also brought some of the self-refilling cups from lunch, which… yeah, Leo really should have thought of that. 

“You seem to have food covered for now,” she said, gesturing towards the tray of still untouched breakfast items on the bedside table.

Whether he liked it or not, Leo got his second Will Solace lecture of the day, this time with strict orders to rest and let his stump breathe for a while. He didn’t mind that too much—he’d felt absolutely zero desire to put the prosthesis back on since he’d finally taken it off.

Besides, being put on bed rest with Jason really wasn’t much of a punishment, aside from the fact that even sick, Jason still wouldn’t stop with his stupid mother henning.

“You literally said that was part of my boyfriend job description like three hours ago. You do not get to complain about it now,” Jason teased him, shoving Leo’s cup and another piece of toast in his direction.

Yeah, Leo really needed to find that folder of inconvenient quotes that could be used against him and burn it.

Jason was still garbage at letting himself rest, but it seemed to be easier for him now that he felt like he was doing something helpful—even if that something helpful was just bothering his boyfriend. Leo would have to write that down for future reference.

They shared the food Leo had made, and they talked. Jason told him why he’d been so anxious while Leo petted his head and offered to fist-fight Rachel the next time she tried to speak a prophecy. Leo finally went into some of his post-amputation problems, including but not limited to his occasional desire to hurl his crutches at the wall.

“Will probably has some old broken crutches you could actually throw. If you think that’d help, I’m sure he’d let you.”

“I’ll ask, but I’ll definitely tell him it was your idea.” Leo chuckled. “If Will keeps having to put up with us I think he’s gonna need a vacation too.”

“Maybe someone should tell him to just take a couple of days off with his boyfriend. This is actually really nice.” Jason didn’t kiss him, because he was a buzzkill and refused to get him sick, but he looked at Leo with such unbridled fondness that it was clear he wanted to. “I love you. You know that, right?”

“If you’re trying to quote Star Wars to me, you’re doing it wrong,” Leo joked, putting his head on Jason’s shoulder. “But yeah, I do know that. Love you, too.”

And well, spending the next few days like this, sharing meals and curled up next to each other watching movies and taking naps didn’t sound so bad, even if it did require Leo to be a little more honest about how he was feeling than usual.

He still wasn’t convinced they were lucky enough to have any kind of fairytale future, but currently the present wasn’t looking half bad.

———————

Some notes:

-Title is from Time by Gretta Ray. Shoutout to my friend Mal for putting up with me in the process of this fic, he’s never read the books and literally doesn’t even know who these people are.

Continuation of the point I made in Late Night Cocoa about Leo and Jason both being shit at voicing it when something is wrong with them! Jason’s been in charge for so long that not being okay has simply never felt like an option. Leo still isn’t entirely used to having people who care regardless of whether he’s currently being useful.

Being in a relationship does not magically fix all your issues! But they know each other and know how to lift each other up and it does really help.

Leo will not let Jason play the hero. Jason will not allow Leo to talk badly about himself ever. They’re just good for each other, full stop, and I love that for them.

Side note: I cannot believe I wrote a 10k established relationship fic and didn’t let them kiss on the lips once. That feels incredibly mean of me. I feel like now I need to write a date fic of some kind specifically to make it up to them, lol

This was my first time properly attempting Jason POV which was kind of scary but I think I ended up doing alright?

Anyway, thanks for reading! Comments and reblogs are always super, super appreciated.

@poppitron360

[deansapplepie]

Till THE DEAD do us part |Chapter 18

Chapter 17 Chapter 19

Series Masterlist

Main Masterlist

Chapter 18: I ain’t sleeping with Hershel

Summary: The group is hopeless until they find the prison, now they try to build a new home. While which one of them have to deal with their own issues.

Warnings: swearing, outbursts, walker killing, blood, gore, nightmares, mentions of pregnancy, mentions of baby being possibly dead, misunderstanding, fights, reader can be a brat, insecurities, jealousy (nit the reason for insecurities), reader and Lori implying Daryl would substitute reader for Rick (that’s a joke). Minors do not interact. (I probably forgot something because this chapter have a lot of things happening)

Pairing: Daryl Dixon x Grimes!Reader (Rick’s Sister)

Word Count: 4,615

A/N: Not proofread. Not one of my best writing. This was a chapter I was expecting to write since I started, and I’m a little disappointed on how it came out. My summary also sucks.

It had been 8 months, 8 long months of survival on the road, finding shelter here and there but never for too long. You had found a house near a small road, the men and little specimen of man (Carl), went to the house to clean it of walkers. You preferred being in action, killing walkers and shit, but Lori had a enormous belly, soon she was going to give birth, so all care she could have was necessary, so you’d better stay behind and take care of her.

Hershel was trying to teach you how to deliver a baby, well you knew the basics, you had already helped many puppies and kittens born. Ok, it wasn’t the same thing, but… you had also told Hershel you didn’t know if you wanted to do this. She was your sister-in-law, medically speaking you shouldn’t perform any surgery on her. ‘If something happens to me, I need someone that’s going to be able to do so.’ He used to say, and you would always say the same ‘nothing is happening to you, I’m protecting you.’. To which he always replied he was too old, and you couldn’t protect him from that. Being responsible to act on big medical ‘events’ of the group still made you nervous and uncomfortable, you wish you had an actual doctor in the group so you didn’t need to be one of the docs and be put in the same level as Hershel, when you clearly wasn’t. You still doubted your abilities as a vet, which you studied to actually be one… how could you take care of humans? You knew it wasn’t like there was many doctors around, so you’d have to do.

You entered the house carrying all the things you’d need, it was a lot of things for people that didn’t have a place to live. There were days since all of you had a decent meal, everyone looked apathetic, as if life had been drawn from you. You gathered around what looked like a living room, silent… Daryl sat by your side, an owl at his hands, plucking it. You used to love owls, so beautiful and majestic, symbol of wisdom… but at this moment you couldn’t care less and was even proud your man had caught it.

You noticed Carl at the corner near Beth, he had a can of something in his hand and was opening it. Was it dog food? God, how did you end up like this? You’d eat it and wouldn’t complain. You’d be happy to have whatever in your stomach. Looking at that food, you remembered Luna and how you had missed her all those months… before you could go deep into your thoughts you got startled when Rick took the can from Carl’s hand and threw it to the other side of the room, making a resounding noise that echoed around the house.

What was his problem? That was food, regardless of what kind! You were ready to get up and tell him off, but Daryl grabbed your hand and motioned with his head for you to not do that. You deep breathed and started counting… until T. announced there were a large group of walkers coming and you need to flee as fast as you could.

At some point you stopped again to make some fire and cook the owl Daryl had killed. Owls were mostly made of feathers, there was little meat, but beggars can’t be choosers… so each of you got your small share of it.

“Let’s go hunt something.” Daryl told Rick. “The owl wasn’t even a starter.”

“I’m going with you.” I promptly said, but I already knew they would refuse my company, again. They often did it, and it was annoying.

“Stay with Lori, she might need you. Besides that you’re better trained than the others, I need your protection here.” Rick stated and you just rolled your eyes.

“You don’t even believe your own words.” You said, then you turned to the hunter. “Don’t take too long and bring something delicious, ok?”

“Yes ma’am! I’m at yer orders.” He kissed your temple before taking his crossbow and disappearing with Rick.

You stayed behind with the others against your will, you crossed your arms and observed the two men disappearing in the woods. Soon Lori, Carol and Maggie joined you. “Stop pouting, they just went hunting.” Maggie elbowed you playfully.

“Without me.” You stated. You got frustrated every time they left without you, especially Daryl. “They spend more time together than with me! It’s like they’re substituting me.”

“Seriously, Y/N/N? Are you jealous of them?” Carol asked with a smile of amusement.

“Rick can substitute you, but Daryl can’t…” Maggie affirmed. Rick couldn’t, he was substituting you… it was rare when he seek you to talk or advice.

“Rick, it’s true. But Daryl… I don’t know, Rick has a quite beautiful ass.” Lori joked, Rick and she were still not talking, but moments like this would bring her some sense of normalcy, just as if they were friends gossiping in the kitchen and there were no walkers around.

“Hey! I have a beautiful ass too.” You protested.

“Of course, you’re siblings.” Lori shrugged then she put one of her arms around your waist. “You worry too much, they’re men. They need this time away from us. Besides… I need you here, I feel better with my sis and the baby too.”

“Ugh… you always know the right words to convince me. Ok, let them be. I’d rather pass my time with my girls.” You told them and hugged Lori resting your hand on her belly.

“Or boy.” Lori completed, because you didn’t know the baby’s gender.

“Nah, I have a feeling it’s a baby girl. So, I prefer to pass my time with 4 of my favorite girls.” You said a grin on your face.

After a time, that felt like eternity, they came back with news that they found a place, a prison and you could stay there and make it your home. You just had to… take it back from the walkers.

You had to work together to take the yard. First you had to cut the fence so you could enter and after it you needed to close it again. That wasn’t the most difficult part, there was no walker in the corridors around the fence, but the yard…. It was full of them. Also, one of the gates was open and it needed to be closed otherwise you’d not be able to fight all of them. Rick wanted to close the gate while the rest of you distracted the walkers and covered him. The plan was perfectly executed and you could all clear the yard out of walkers.

It gave hope to all of you. If you could clean part by part, soon you’d have a place you could call home. A safe place to live. A place for Lori to have the baby, a little bit of the domestic life again. Later that day you were all reunited around the fire, eating the little hunt Daryl and Rick got earlier. Some chatted, Beth sang a beautiful song… Rick was near the fence that separated you from the walkers on the patio, it was safe, he could come to the fire, but he wouldn’t. You could go and try talking him into resting and relaxing near the bonfire, but you knew he wouldn’t listen to you. He never did. Not anymore.

Daryl was on top of a toppled bus, watching or something. Carol went there to take some food for him. They had developed a nice and kind friendship since the farm, you were glad he was getting close to everyone in the group. Even though you sometimes felt jealous, you just pushed this feeling to the coffins of your mind and didn’t think about it. You knew him, you trusted him. You knew Carol, she was your friend. Besides that you were also jealous of him and your brother, so this wasn’t something you had to take seriously.

Later that night, you were laying on a blanket close to the fire and in Daryl’s arms, and you couldn’t help but think about the future. “Do you think we’ll be able to make this our place?” You asked him, your hand playing with a thread from his poncho.

“Ya’re the positive one ‘ere. Don’t you think we’ll make this place our home?” He told you. You had changed during the last months, all of you. You and him, you that would always reassure him, not the opposite. You used to always see things on the bright side of it, but you found closure and lost it so many times already, that you didn’t know if you could be like that again.

“I dunno. It’s just… we’re looking for a place for so long that it all just seems unreal. It’s like tomorrow I’m opening the eyes and we’ll still be on the road, or maybe something will happen and we’ll need to leave.” You tried to explain what you were feeling, but that wasn’t even the start of it.

“We’ll be fine. We can do it. I know. We’re making it a home.” He told you, he didn’t even know if he believed in his own words, but he trusted Rick and he said it would work. Also, he’d do anything to take those worries from your mind.

You snuggled into him and the warmth of his body and his unique scent, even when you didn’t have a descent bath in ages, engulfed you in comfort. After some time of comfortable silence between you, you drifted to sleep letting the exhaustion take you.

The next day you needed to take the patio and try to clean one of the cell blocks. Rick, Daryl, T.Dog, Glenn, Maggie and you worked together on taking the patio while the others kept at the fence trying to distract them. You used your crossbow and knife, you also had a gun, but all of you would rather not use it, since you were low in ammo and of course it attracted many of the dead if you used it. Some police walkers gave you a hard time, but soon Maggie discovered how to kill them and it became easier for you. As soon as you finished, you entered Block C and killed the few remaining walkers that were still inside.

After, all of you started to enter the Block and settle in, bringing your belongings and cleaning what you could and the best way you were able to. While that the men started to carry the corpses from the block and from the patio so they could burn them and finish cleaning the place you already had. You chose a cell in the upper floor, you looked at it and could already see you and Daryl living there.

You let your belongings outside of it and started to clean. You shook the bedsheets to take away the dust and then arranged it all again. The bunk was rather narrow, but you two pretty much slept so into each other that it wouldn’t be a problem and you could arrange it in the future. For someone that the day before wasn’t so sure if you could make this place a home, you were very excited.

You heard some cries coming from some cells away from yours, you walked there and found Lori. Carol was squatting in front of her, trying to comfort the pregnant woman. “What if the baby is dead?” She cried. “I feel like there’s something wrong.”

“There’s nothing wrong. You’re good, the baby is fine. Your belly is perfectly normal.” Carol reassured her.

“Yeah” you intervened, sitting by your sister-in-law side and caressing her back. “Don’t worry. I’m a doc, ain’t I? I’m saying it and you can trust me.” You weren’t sure of your words, you were not this confident about treating people, but you wanted to soothe Lori in some way. “Do you want me to take Rick?”

“No! Not him. I… bring Hershel, please.” She asked, Rick wouldn’t give her any comfort. He didn’t even hug or kiss her in months… what good could possibly do having him around right now?

“Ok. I’m gonna take Hershel.” Carol got up and left to find the old man.

When the doctor of the group arrived, you left to give them some privacy, even though you already knew her worries.

Later that day everyone that hadn’t claimed a cell yet, was claiming one and preparing to have a well deserved rest after such hard work. You approached Daryl, excited to tell him about the cell you had arranged for both of you, but you weren’t expecting his answer. “D., I cleaned that one for us. We just need to take our things there.” You said pointing to a cell further in the end of the corridor upstairs.

“I ain’t sleeping in a cage like a damn animal.” He was quick to answer, giving you his back and going to a place on the stairs where he’d placed a mattress and his things. He didn’t know his words had come so harsh, he didn’t even reflect about it before saying. His aversion was exclusively, because his brother had already been in jail, also being on jail was something that everybody where he came from expected from him, even though he had never been, not even because of bar fights or shit, and let’s say that the Dixons never ran from a good fight.

He had hit right at your feelings. You were taken aback by his harsh words, you weren’t expecting this. You were tired, the last months had been exhausting and for the first time in months you had a safe and rather decent place to rest. You turned your back and walked in the direction of the cell. When he turned back he saw you getting distant, with your back turned to him, he didn’t see the hurt you were feeling, but he was also with questions on his mind, why wasn’t it obvious to you that he didn’t want to sleep on a cell and neither alone? He had no reaction.

‘Maybe she needs some time alone’, he thought throwing himself at the mattress not even caring about taking off his boots.

‘Maybe he doesn’t want me’, that was what was in your insecure ass mind, everything was so good, so why couldn’t you just get over it.

You took your things from outside the cell and entered it, throwing you shoes anywhere and after jumping on the bed. This was the most comfortable bed you had had in months, but you felt there was no joy in it, if you weren’t sharing it… well at least he had his own mattress all alone somewhere. The exhaustion took your body and soon you drifted to sleep, but that didn’t mean it would be a good restorative night of sleep.

You were at the prison patio, the sky was cloudy and the air was sultry. Near the gates you saw a group of people, they were inside and had their back turned to you… but their silhouettes were so familiar… one of them wore a fisher hat and wasn’t very tall. “Dale? Is that you?” You asked, it just could be him, but how was it possible. Then they turned one by one…

Dale with his guts falling outside his stomach, a walker. Also, Amy, Jim, Jacqui, Sophia, Jimmy, Shane and Patricia. All of them walkers, even Amy, Jacqui, Dale and Shane that you knew there was no chance of being there. And then, contouring them, came a dog, a german Shepherd, your Luna and god… how you missed her! But she wasn’t her anymore, she had also become a walker version of herself. You didn’t even know if the animals could be affected, but you didn’t have time to care, because she ran in your direction and jumped on you.

You woke up sitting in the bed. You were sweating. A scream caught in your throat, unable to get out. That was better, you didn’t want to wake everybody up. One hand on your chest feeling a burning sensation you always woke up with when you had nightmares. The other hand on your mouth muffling your sobs. You were tempted about getting up and looking for Daryl’s arms, but you resisted the urge. He was the one that made you sleep alone. You weren’t thinking straight. It wasn’t that you never had nightmares sleeping with him, you still had them from time to time, but at least you were in his arms and felt protected. It didn’t let you sink in your intrusive thoughts.

After some time, you didn’t know how long after, you laid again in bed and tried to think about anything else else that wasn’t that nightmare. It would be good if you found the infirmary, you would complain if the library was still good and had good books, you’d love if you found some ammo…

You woke up with the sun touching your face, you felt as if you had been hit by a truck. Your body was painful and you were super sleepy. You put your shoes on, the gun in the holster, the knife on your waist and the crossbow across your body. You left the cell while you made your hair into a ponytail and walked to the stairs. Daryl was already up, he stopped everything when he saw you. You looked at him and remembered what you went through having to sleep by yourself. “Good morning.” You said, you were still a polite person after all, even angry at your boyfriend.

“ ‘morning pup.” He caught you when you passed by him, before you could finish descending the stairs. Both of his arms wrapped around you, he pulled your back against his chest and his face on your shoulder.

Ok. You were not understanding him at all. The day before he pushed you away, and now he’s all lovely to you. You inhaled, and delicately you took his hands from you and left his embrace and went down the stairs. He didn’t understand a single thing. You loved morning hugs, you needed them to start your day and he was there giving you that without caring if anyone would see and he would feel embarrassed, so why were you so cold?

You walked to the common area where most of the awake people were gathered, you didn’t have anything to eat, but it wasn’t any news. You saw Rick, wished him a good morning and hugged him. Ok, now Daryl was remembering every step he gave in the last months just so he knew exactly what he did wrong. “Your eyes are swollen, have you been crying?” Your brother asked, first time in a long time he noticed something about you.

“No, why would I? Just If I was too happy we have a decent bed to sleep after a long time.” You said, a tad bit of acid in your tone. Your brother knew better than pushing you, so he let it be. He looked at the archer, which he discovered to be a good friend after many months on the road, and Daryl’s eyes showed he was as clueless as him.

You soon start talking about going further in the prison and cleaning other places, finding new places and supplements. “ I’ll be very glad if we find the library!” You said getting a little bit excited just by thinking about having books to read it.

“Oh it would be fantastic!” Hershel agreed. “I haven’t found a single good book the whole time we were in the road.”

“Alright” Rick said after you finished talking about everything that you could find in the prison. “I think we can go.”

“Don’t go.” You heard Daryl by your side, a gentle hand on your upper arm.

“Why shouldn’t I, Dixon?” God, he was so screwed… now he knew he was the problem, you almost never called him Dixon, not even in a sweet playful manner. So he knew it.

“Ya don’t look good.” He tried again.

“Well, good thing I’m going to kill walkers and not to a fashion show.” You faked a sweet smile.

“Wha’s up with the attitude?” He asked, he himself already getting annoyed.

“Just, I’m tired of being left out. I’m no damsel in distress so you have to tell me all the time to stay behind. Also, I’m not staying to be ‘protected’ by a 12 year-old.” You finally took a breath between your words. “ ‘sides that you’re not my father, nor my husband to tell me what to do. Even if you were…”

“Are you two done?” Rick tried to intervene while everyone watched the discussion without understanding a single thing, just as lost as Daryl was.

“Shut up Rick, I’m not over.” Your brother’s eyes popped and he was ready to tell you off.

“Also, you are taking Hershel with you, an old man, but the idea of me going is so absurd! No offense Hershel, but you guys are taking our best doctor in a risky mission. And I should not go, because I don’t look good?!” You vomited facts all around that weren’t needed to be said, none of those people around you were the reason you were so pissed off. Maybe Rick, because he was always leaving you behind.

“Well, I ain’t sleeping with Hershel!” Daryl blurted out the sentence, losing his temper.

“Neither with me, apparently.” You retorted, and realization hit him.

“That’s why ya’re upset and causing an scene?” He threw at you.

“Upset? I was upset yesterday. Now, I’m angry.” You took a breath and just as if nothing had happened you told the others. “I’m waiting for you on the patio.”

You left and everyone stayed behind sharing looks and glances between them. Daryl grunted in frustration, god damn, he thought you wanted to be alone the day before, but in fact you probably understood he didn’t want to sleep with you.

“When you wanted relationship advices you should have asked Hershel, not me.” Rick patted his shoulder before leaving.

“Yeah, guess so.” Daryl mumbled under his breath.

“Son, you two need to communicate better.” Hershel said to him. “Also, be grateful you don’t sleep with me, I snore quite a bit.” The old man joked.

Daryl breathed one more time and looked around, his eyes landing on one of the bulletproof vests that you were able to find. He took it and his crossbow and left block C, joining you on the patio. He came in your direction holding the vest and you almost rolled your eyes.

“Hands up.” He said.

“I’m not wearing this shit. It’s heavy and I can hold myself well without it.” You said.

“Yes, you are if ya wanna go inside with us.” You laughed.

“And what are you going to do? Are you going to lock me up in a cell.” You teased.

“If ya continue to act like a fucking brat, yeah” he said. “Now put yer arms up. We’ll talk later. We suck at communication sometimes.”

“You two, stop it. We have work to do.” Rick told you, a finger pointed in your direction. “Watch duty for both of you tonight, and you better make up.”

You rolled your eyes and put your arms up, Daryl slid the vest through your arms and then adjusted it on your body. “Stay close, and dun do anything reckless, ‘kay? I ain’t protective ‘cause I think ya’re useless. It’s ‘cause…” ‘I love ya’, he completed in his mind. Why was it so easy to tell you while you were sleeping, but so difficult to say with you wide awake. “… I can’t lose ya.”

You really wanted to be mad at him, but you just couldn't. You almost broke when he back hugged you earlier, and now even if he called you a brat, and was even harsh, you just couldn’t when you saw his blue eyes soften on you. You had really been a brat, but who wouldn’t in your place? Rick retold all of you what you were supposed to do and reaffirmed you shouldn’t leave formation, and like this you entered the building.

It was very calm at first, no walking corpse on sight, but soon they started to appear, small groups of them, you killed one by one. You used the crossbow to stop them from coming closer, but when they did you’d use your knife. That was great until a group of them separated all of you. “fuck…” Where was everyone? You kept walking in the dark trying to avoid the walkers and killing them before they’d kill you.

You walked on your side trying to maintain your eyes everywhere until you knocked into something and almost panicked before discovering the something had arms and wrapped one around you and covered your mouth immediately so you didn’t scream. “Told ya to stay close.” Daryl whispered.

“I can guarantee, I didn’t separate from you on purpose.” You whispered as soon as he took his hand from your mouth.

You continued to walk together, till you reunited with the others and… the worst had happened. Hershel was bitten, god damnit! Couldn’t they just say no to the old man and have left behind? You were all cornered in a corridor when you found the cafeteria, without much thinking you all got inside and ran to Hershel’s aid.

You ripped the leg of his pants and looked at the bite. Fuck. Your doctor was bitten. You had to be the doctor. ‘Think fast! Think!’, you repeated it like a mantra inside your head, and then the idea hit you.

“A BELT! Someone give me a belt!” You commanded and Rick was fast to give you his. “I’m sorry Hershel, we have nothing to lose anymore, so I need to try this.”

You put the belt around his leg and restrained his blood from flowing. “Rick, you do it. I don’t think I’m strong enough to do it in one.” Rick took his hatchet and did what he had to cutting off the bitten part of Hershel’s leg. The doctor got unconscious, Maggie was despaired and blood was everywhere. Suddenly you heard a sound coming from the very end of the cafeteria, most of you aimed your weapons in the direction of the sound just to be met by 5 strange faces and none of them belonging to a dead person.

“Holy shit!” Exclaimed a ginger man.

Wanna be added to my tag list? Let me know. (Please tell me if you want to be tagged on everything or just specific series) Everything Taglist: @lilyevanstan1325

Till THE DEAD do us part Taglist: @sunnybunnyy2 @royaltysuite @isakyakiisak @milopenne @celtic-crossbow @mel-wcst @gabriella-aesthetic @duckybird101 @the1eyedmonster16

Some of you I wasn’t able to tag, I’m sorry.

[sseomtada]

what you need [dusan vlahovic]

a stranger flirting with you leads to a very passionate argument.

warnings: 18+ | wc: 2139 | part: 1

an: originally posted 11/2022

You dropped a kiss on your boyfriend’s shoulder before heading off to the pool.

Dusan should’ve known better by now than to try to keep up with you on a night out. Two gin and tonics in, you noticed that his cheeks were pinched, and he was way more upbeat and giggly than normal.

He was annoyingly adorable as you eased his large, drunken frame into the bed. The only way he could sleep in that state was on his stomach with a pillow tucked under his arms. Dusan mumbled about how much he loved you among other random things as you rubbed his back until he passed out.

Having not partied during the season, his tolerance seemed even worse. He slept through breakfast and you blow drying your hair. You left him a note saying fresh juice and fruits were in the fridge, and that you would be on the beach if he woke up with you still gone.

It felt so good to have this vacation. Nothing beat having fuck all to do but lie in the sun and get a gorgeous tan. You flipped onto your front, hiking your bikini bottoms up your cheeks just a bit more to lessen the lines.

While you read your book, you got completely absorbed in it. So much that you barely registered a small ball had smacked your butt. A little girl came into view, immediately wiping any annoyance you began to feel at the intrusion.

“Sowwy ‘bout that.” She held the purple ball in her small hands.

“It’s okay, sweetheart.” You smiled, swatting off the sand the object had stuck to your backside.

“Oh my God, I’m so sorry!” A guy quickly jogged over.

He picked her up in his arms, kissing between her pigtails. She looked just like him, presumably his daughter. They looked so cute standing together on the beach, like a happy family.

“It’s quite alright, she was just reminding me that it was time to flip over.” You laughed.

“Can’t have an uneven tan, now can we?” He made a small chastising face.

“Exactly.” You nodded.

The guy made some more idle chit chat, telling you about how this was his first time taking his daughter on vacation since he’d split with her mom. Most people would be put off by his rambling, but you were used to strangers opening themselves up to you. It was nice to hear their stories too, so you didn’t mind.

“So are you here on a girl’s trip or solo?” Talkative dad asked.

“I’m actually-“

“She’s here with me.” Dusan’s voice sounded from behind. “Her boyfriend.”

You craned your head to see him coming to stand over you, blocking your sun in the process. He didn’t spare you a glance. His gaze was focused on the man on the other side of you, unflinching.

“That’s great!” The guy chuckled. “Well, I hope you guys have fun and sorry again about all of that.”

You waved him off with the apology once more, and wished him well as he and his daughter left. Dusan lifted your legs and sat beneath them, placing them on his lap to run his hands over your calves.

“Good morning to you too, grumpy.” You raised a brow at him.

“Don’t start, you knew what he was doing.” He scoffed.

That poor book of yours was forgotten as you dropped it off to the top of your tote. You sat up on your elbows as you looked at him. His wet hair was slicked back, evidence of a shower, and to his credit he didn’t look the slightest bit hungover. Just upset.

There was no reason for him to be. Sure, maybe the guy from earlier was checking you out. That much you expected to happen at a beach. Who didn’t occasionally get their eyes caught by someone with decent body?

“You don’t start.” Your eyes rolled. “It was nothing, he was just being nice.”

Dusan laughed bitterly and shot to his feet, throwing your legs off in the process. Shock etched every inch of your features, uttering the silent question, are you serious right now? He shook his head as he stalked off back in the direction of your room.

You muttered angrily while you shoved your things back into your tote, barely tossing on your cover up and sandals as you followed in hot pursuit. His long strides didn’t slow even after you called out behind him, only just catching him in the elevator.

“What the fuck, Dusan?!” You hissed. “Why are you acting like this?”

“Oh, I’m sorry. Excuse me if I don’t want to watch my girlfriend entertain being flirted with by some desperate dickhead.” He spoke rapidly.

“You’re such a fucking child.” You threw your hands up.

The way he was behaving was completely unfair and uncalled for. To come out there after sleeping half a day away on your vacation after you nursed him all night, and make a scene was far beyond okay. To take whatever issues he had out on you was even worse.

“I’m a child? Me?” His eyes widened. “That’s rich coming from the girl that was too naive to see that her little friend was just using his daughter to try to fuck her.”

Your upper lip curled. This time it was you storming off when the doors opened. You all but ran to your room, slamming the door shut behind you and tossing your bag onto the floor. He didn’t have to go that far, to insult your intelligence and be so crass.

“Is that what you want?” Dusan came in, yanking your body back to his.

You struggled against his hold, clenching your teeth when you felt his arm circle your waist to pin you there. No amount of wriggling and writhing would help you escape his firm grip now.

“Do you want to go to him,” His mouth latched to your neck, sucking. “So he could taste your skin like this?”

Your shoulders fell limp, head tilting on instinct to make more room for his lips to roam. It was aggravating that as livid as you were with him and as stupid as his questions were, all it took was this to disarm you.

“No.” You swallowed thickly.

The hand he had clamped around your wrist freed itself to travel down your body. You leaned into him, feeling him harden against your lower back. Dusan trailed his fingers along your bikini bottoms, not touching where you needed him most just yet.

They were feather light as he teased you, his eyes watching your reactions intently. You didn’t flinch, keeping yours open no matter how badly they threatened to flutter shut. He took that as a challenge, which it was, and pushed the fabric aside.

With barely any warning, he shoved two of his girthy digits into your core. You cried out, not caring one bit that it was the middle of the day and you were in a hotel.

“Do you want his fingers in your tight pussy?” Dusan breathed.

Fuck you, you know I don’t is what you would’ve said if you could’ve found the strength to speak. But he was fingering you so fast and so deep that your voice got caught in your throat.

You saw nothing. Your vision went black even without the cover of your eyelids. The sound of your juices being fucked out of you made him hum.

“So fucking wet, I guess you do.” He bit your shoulder.

“No!” You gasped. “I only want it to be yours, I always want it to be you.”

You whimpered post ramble, legs starting to tremble in warning. Dusan’s arm pinned your body even tighter to his as he felt you begin to falter. He pressed down on your clit with this thumb, and you were seeing stars.

“Please…” Your voice was hoarse.

“Please what?” His soft lips met yours.

“Don’t stop.” You exhaled as he pulled away.

Your feet were dangerously close to cramping from your toes curling. Dusan beckoned you to cum for him, curling his digits inside you, increasing the tempo. You felt the knot in your stomach coming undone, one bit at a time.

And then all at once. You were doubling over, soft walls squeezing his fingers in waves as you came. Curses and cries fell from your lips too quickly to keep up with as you clawed at the arm he had around your waist.

He pressed against your g-spot with his fingers at a rapid pace, palm digging into your clit to draw your orgasm out longer, and longer until your knees completely gave out. You finally were able to breathe when he pulled them out of you and swept you into his arms.

It would only be a brief reprieve. Dusan had you in as many ways as there were possible, or so you thought up until now. You’d never experienced him this worked up.

In fact, it had belatedly occurred to you while he was all but ripping your bikini and its cover from your body that he was jealous. The realization would’ve made you laugh had you not been scrambling to put the pieces of your mind back together.

That was going to be impossible with the way his mouth ravaged every inch of skin they could find. Dusan nipped and sucked at your collarbones, your shoulders, your breasts. He was everywhere, hands kneading your thighs greedily as he slotted between them.

“Do you want me to stretch you out?” He ran his cock through your wet folds. “Make you cum all over me?”

You whined as his tip slid over your sensitive clit, “Yes…”

Dusan continued to tease you, making your hips buck and writhe in desperation. You tried you reach down to tucked him inside you, but he pinned your hands above your head in one of his. His lips ghosted over yours, pulling just out of reach every time you tried to kiss him.

And then you were gasping, him moaning, as he filled you with one thrust. You could feel every inch of him, every vein as he rolled his hips into yours powerfully. He freed your hands only to push your knees to your chest, opening yourself up to him even more, taking him entirely.

You clasped your fingers around the back of his neck, pulling him in to taste his lips. It was a disordered affair of you sucking his tongue, teeth clashing, biting. Dusan grunted the filthiest things into your mouth, he couldn’t make you scream like this, make your pussy soak the sheets like this, look at you, my good fucking girl, taking it all.

All you could do was shake your head and nod where appropriate. He was deeper than deep, fucking you harder and harder until his skin grew damp with sweat. You arched into him, eyes losing focus as you floated higher and higher.

Dusan let go of your knees, and just when you thought he was going to ease up, you were swiftly corrected. He placed a hand around your throat, squeezing ever so slightly along the sides, the other falling to rub on your clit.

“Cum with me.” He moaned.

That was the final blow. You crashed down into your body, his name becoming a chorus on your lips as your pussy clenched around his cock. He called out for you in return, thrusting his release into you with the last of his strokes.

“Holy fucking shit.” You panted, blinking away tears.

Dusan pulled out and collapsed beside you. His chest heaved with his breathing, a smile appearing for the first time today. He pulled you into him, tucking your unruly hair behind your ear and kissing your cheek gently.

“Are you okay? I didn’t hurt you, did I?” A worry line appeared between his brows.

“I’m fine.” You eased it with a swipe of your thumb.

“I’m sorry for being an asshole.” He grinned sheepishly.

You knew he didn’t mean any of the things he’d said. You didn’t either, and apologized for blowing up instead of trying to defuse the situation. He kissed you so sweetly, in the way that made you fall in love with him.

“Can we just skip the argument and go straight to the mind blowing sex the next time you get jealous?” You laughed.

“Deal.” He looped his pinky around yours.

[kaylinalexanderbooks]

OC questionnaire

Thanks to @willtheweaver here and here, @mk-writes-stuff here, here, and here, and @somethingclevermahogony here.

I did Robbie, Gwen, Maddie, Noelle, Jedi, and Kelsey here.

I did Carmen, George, Akash, Sam, Lexi, and Ash. here.

Doing Gabriel, Carla, Parker, Rose, Alex, and Ewan under the cut!

#1- Gabriel

Did you have any formal education? If so, what was it like?

“I mean, I'm still receiving formal education, so your use of past tense is strange. I never attended Ceteri school. My parents raised me to know that I was Alii, and they always planned to send me over to the Aequales once I received my powers, since they were in direct contact with them the whole time. Ceteri school was counterproductive, so I was homeschooled until then. I now attend school in Alium. I'll admit, I do like it. At least, I do more than homeschooling from my parents. Not that they were terrible, but I don't mind more structure and people.”

What is your stance on friends and friendship?

“I don't know you, so I'm not going to explain growing up with no friends. I don't exactly need them, but it was boring growing up with no one else. I'll admit I don't mind the others in the Aequales, as annoying as they can be. However, they are decent people I enjoy spending time with. Niri is pretty great, actually. Jazlyn still babies me, which is a little annoying, but I would be lying if I didn't admit she is someone I consider a friend. Robbie is a little annoying at times, but Akash keeps him in line. I wish Wade would do the same for Parker. I have no idea how it took until last September for Wade to punch him.”

How would you describe your relationship with your family?

“My parents are my parents. Why would I not respect them? I don't see them often, but I'm following what they want. I'm making them proud. I have a decent job. I'm contributing to Alium as a terrakinetic. They are proud of me. I don't want or need anything more than that.”

#2- Carla

If you could have one wish granted, what would it be? (No wishing for more wishes)

“I would like to bring my parents back. I'd like things to be normal again. Carmen to talk to me more. I'd like to know my cousin I never got to meet. Oh, sorry, this is more than one. Um... The war. Yeah, I'd wish the war never happened. No, wait, the cause of the war: the prejudice of Inutilia. I wish that never happened. I wish we could all get along. Then it would be good.”

What’s your favourite music?

“I really like the different cultural music of each of the Sectors - I have to say I love Sector 3's music the most. Stefanija Lauwers is also a Sector 8 singer I really love. But recently, Tyler has gotten me into a Ceteri genre called 'alternative rock.' I can't stop listening to it - I've never heard anything like it!”

What’s your number one warning sign that it is not going to be a good day?

“How I'm feeling once I've woken myself up all the way. My emotional state tells me how I'm gonna feel for most of the day. Sometimes I'm sad for no reason. And then that's a bad day. When George goes off to work and instead of getting something done, I just decide that I'm going to experience time as quickly as possible until I can get to when he comes back.”

More Carla: empty Bingo

#3- Parker

What’s your favourite snack?

“Me. Cause I'm a snack - hey-ooo! Come on, guys, I'm not gonna explain that joke to you. Honestly, whatever I'm hungry for in the moment. Changes day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute, second by second, nanosecond by nanosecond. Anyhow, I'd like some Cheetos.”

What do you least want to hear when you wake up in the morning?

“'Oh, my God, Parker, are you gonna sleep in all day?' No, Mom, I'm gonna get up when I want to. Also I don't want to hear 'Mrs. Holliday just emailed me about your attitude and conductivity problems.' Mom, the bitch hates me. Let me sleep, Goddamn.”

Do you have a nemesis? What are they like?

“Yeah, he got interviewed earlier. Gabriel hates me, and y'know what, he's a boring asshole. He's been a boring asshole for years. He's a stick in the mud, and he drives me insane. Jazlyn, my girl, best girl, my badass idol, likes him. How? Jaz, he's so boring! You're the least boring person I know! What, you knew him for a little longer so he's like a little brother for you? Do what everyone else does with their little brother: dropkick him. Light his hair on fire or something. I take back my last answer - the thing I least want to hear in the morning is Gabriel Medina's voice. Every single practice, he's like 'Cassidy, you're an idiot, Cassidy, you need to stop, Cassidy, you're too chaotic, Cassidy, listen to me.' Go shove a rock up your ass, Medina. Robbie and Akash think he's worthy of a cute silly nickname like Gills. How dare you. Why not nickname me? I'm much more fun than him.”

#4- Rose

What is your favorite beverage for a warm summer afternoon?

“I don't think I could consider myself a true Texan if I didn't say iced tea. Sorry if that's a lame answer.”

What is something that keeps you up at night?

“Insecurities. Hope that helps.”

If you could switch lives with any one you know who would it be and why?

“Lexi. Her family is great, she has so many friends, and...yeah. Lexi.”

More Rose: OC in three

#5- Alex

What’s your favourite flower?

“In Alium, there is no way that it's not the hahkosa blossoms. In Ceteri, purple asters, obviously. I am so predictable. Purple is just such a totally awesome color. I mean, no shade of purple is bad. Not a single one. Every other color? There's, like, one icky shade. Purple is just objectively the best color.”

Do you like parties? What kind?

“Uh, duh! I love parties! Who doesn't? I'll go to any kind of party. You could say I'm the life of it! I prefer going with friends, just because it makes it so much fun! Dances are awesome. Just vibing to the music with your besties. Cannot compare to anything else.”

Are you hiding anything from your friends (I promise the secret is safe with me)?

“Oh. Well, I guess that I'm not happy at all times. I try to be. I love making others happy. I feel like I may be abandoning what makes me, well, me. I'm happy. I'm Alex. She's the girl who is the life of the party, like I said. I can't be anxious! [Pause] haha, well, who am I kidding? This has been such a fun interview! Thank you!”

#6- Ewan

Is there someone that you look up to?

“Jazlyn, in both senses of the phrase. She's taller than me, but also, she's just...don't tell anyone this, but Jazlyn is the most important part of my life. She has this super confident demeanor, but she's actually reflective. More than she lets on. Not that she isn't confident. She's the kind of person who'd volunteer at a magic show. She sits in the front row every time. She's the smartest person I know. Sharp wit. Great at everything it seems. Blunt and harsh at times, but she is never rude. Badass at sparring. She's made me more willing to take risks and get out of my comfort zone! I can't imagine my life without her if she never approached me five years ago.... *clears throat* Oh my gosh I've been talking too long...”

Do you have any trouble falling/staying asleep?

“When I'm out, I'm way out. Cause I'm exhausted. But falling asleep? Man, my mind is on so many things. My next music composition, Jazlyn, what and how I'm gonna train Lexi, homework, band practice, Jazlyn, the manga I was just reading, wait--I said Jazlyn...*clears throat again* anyway my brain is so full at night.”

Do you believe in forgiveness?

“Oh, 100%. Not because I think the person is deserving, but I feel sick if I don't do it. I can't move on. Forgive. My life has other places it would like to be than in the past.”

TSP intro

Thanks for reading this far! I'll tag @finickyfelix @ohnomybreadsticks @winterandwords @jezifster @jay-avian @kyofsonder @lesleymoonwriter @leahnardo-da-veggie @cowboybrunch @elsie-writes @atelierwriting + anyone else!

Your questions:

Do you prefer working on one thing until it's finished or many things at a time?

You are in a talent show! What is your talent?

How do you feel about your birthday? Do you have a best or worst birthday?

TSP tag list (ask to be +/-): @thepeculiarbird @illarian-rambling @televisionjester @finchwrites

[married-2-the-music]

K-pop Discography Deep Dives: WJSN

A Disclaimer: I was planning, when I first started Tumblr, to be a lurker, but then I began an office job and needed something to listen to to keep myself occupied. And then, I started going through entire K-pop groups’ repertoires, album by album, and jotting down my thoughts. And then, I stumbled into K-pop tumblr and decided, you know what, there’s at least four people on this hell site who would read in depth rants about these discographies and at least five who wouldn’t read it and then get mad because it’s kind of our job as K-pop fans. My lukewarm takes should be taken with an entire silo of salt and the knowledge that this is completely for fun and occupying my very bored, very neurodivergent brain. All this to say, for the love of god, I’m a sleep-deprived student and I don’t have time for internet hate, so don’t kill me. With that being said, enjoy!

Here are my credentials: unusually, for a girl group, I have very few. I’ve listened to WJSN before, and I know a decent amount of title tracks and a couple b-sides. I would say I know them best from my half-watch of Queendom 2 (I’m a fan of Loona and Gfriend, so I was more focused on them), which WJSN did win. I was impressed with them there, and I decided that I wanted to learn more about them.

WJSN was formed in late 2015 as a Korean-Chinese collaborative between Starship Entertainment and Yuehua Entertainment. The members are divided into four units, one for each letter. First is Wonder, with Cheng Xiao, Bona, and Dayoung. Second is Joy, with Xuanyi, Eunseo, and Yeoreum. Third is Sweet, with Seola, Exy, and Soobin. And fourth is Natural, with Meiqi, Luda, and Dawon. After these units were formed, a 13th member, Yeonjung, was added as well. After being on hiatus since 2018, the three Chinese members, Xuanyi, Cheng Xiao, and Meiqi officially left the group in early 2023. Sorry, that was a lot of names, so deep breaths and let’s do this.

They officially debuted in 2016 with MoMoMo, which is one of the most bubblegum-y bubblegum songs I’ve seen in a while. It’s basically a k-pop stereotype at this point: lots of aegyo, completely coordinated school girl clothes, short skirts, childish love, and very poppy beats. I associate WJSN with more ethereal pop, so this was a (somewhat unwelcome) surprise for me. As often happens to me in k-pop, while I did appreciate its comic book style animation and humor, the excessive aegyo made me uncomfortable (see my review of TXT’s Cat and Dog or LOONA’s Hi High). This isn’t the song’s fault; it’s exactly what it’s supposed to be, but it does mean I won’t be listening to it again.

I’m unsure if Catch Me is also a single or just an opportunity for a dance practice, but it embraces the other side of k-pop stereotypes: a sort-of anti-drop, girl-crush, uncomfortably-sexualized…thing? that tries a bit too hard to be cool. WJSN’s talent elevates it, but even they can only do so much with a song that doesn’t have any character.

The 1st EP, Would You Like?, starts with an intro, Space Cowgirl, that I actually liked more than MoMoMo, and I wish more of its self-assured, smooth synths carried into the song. I liked parts of some of the songs, like the twinkling piano and extended bridge in Tick Tock, but most of them sounded very similar to other songs I’ve heard, and so didn’t stick out to me all that much. I could name at least five exactly like Take My Breath.

Secret begins the sound that I know from WJSN, still drawing on the poppiness, cutesiness, and high vocals of MoMoMo, but pairing it with more toned-on synths, more pointed voices, and more poised dancing, a combination that would become their staple in the next few years. It’s quite interesting to see it here feeling a little less polished. I totally get why they gained the nickname “Cosmic Girls” now, with all the space inspiration here, and while the song itself is nothing groundbreaking, I really liked that lead-in to the last chorus.

The Secret, the EP, has a couple songs I liked. BeBe leans a bit too far into aegyo for me personally, but I enjoy its boundless energy and catchiness. Also, that harmonizing in the last chorus? Sign me up. I also enjoyed the frizzy electronic background of Robot, which reminded me a bit of an f(x) song, although it felt more restrained than one of theirs.

I Wish has a slightly more funk-inspired opening than Secret, and while it still has the roots of aegyo, I’d say it follows the pattern of their songs slowly getting more mature. Still got the schoolgirl outfits, though. The chorus and its “tell me why” is pretty catchy, I will say, and I appreciated a lot of the MV’s visuals in the social media posts, floating lanterns, and emojis.

From. WJSN’s Say Yes caught my attention with its finger-snapping background and slightly Latin-pop-esque warm acoustic guitar. I thought it provided a good contrast to their very electronic synth-heavy music, and made me appreciate their vocals a lot more, especially Yeonjung and Dayoung. The “juseyo, juseyo” is stuck in my head now, and I’m not mad about it. It makes a great addition to my sleep playlist.

Kiss Me’s intro had me intrigued right off the bat, with its fun surf guitar background, and its continuing through the song made this one stand out. I also liked the harsher hand-clapping percussion mixed with the pop, and that the chorus felt like a much more natural progression of the verses and pre-chorus. Still not a fan of the rapping, which comes out of nowhere, but overall this was a great summer track and it got stuck in my head.

Happy is a return to the bubbly, kind-of sporty concept of MoMoMo that was so popular in mid-3rd gen (Red Velvet’s Happiness, TWICE’s Cheer Up, or Fromis_9’s FUN, for example), and I’d be lying if I said I was as happy to see it as the song wants me to be. I definitely liked the humor and the ultra-saturation of the music video, and ended up laughing a good few times. But overall, I’m not a fan of this concept or this type of song, and this song does nothing to change my mind. Also, I feel like the chorus, though it’s pretty good, doesn’t fit in with the rest of the song. I think it’s the sudden tempo change.

Happy Moment is a full album, so there’s a lot to talk about. I liked the bubbly distortion in Miracle, (honestly I wonder why it wasn’t a single, because it really feels like one), the vocalizing in Mr. BadBoy’s choruses, the minimalistic background of Babyface’s verses, the roller skating rush of Geeminy, and especially the lovely musical catharsis of Closer To You (damn, Yeonjung, what a note to end on!). Again, though, what I really liked were parts and besides Closer To You, I didn’t like any song enough to consider it a hidden gem. I know that Happy leans very much into aegyo, but the names of a lot of these songs felt a bit too babyish even for that, and I don’t think that the album needed to be so long, because so many of its tracks felt like filler. I would rather have a five or six track, great-all-the-way-through EP like, say Sunmi’s Warning or SEVENTEEN’s Haeng-Geurae, than a half-as-good album twice that long.

Dreams Come True, I’m happy to say, builds on the good that both Kiss Me and I Wish started, working in more interesting percussion and more ethereal synths. Funnily enough, it goes so far into understated that I didn’t realize the chorus had started until it was almost over, and while it’s got a good base, I think that it needs a stronger, more obvious hook to turn into a classic. I did really like that delicate bridge, though.

Dream Your Dream, the EP, starts strong with Love O’Clock, which doesn’t bother with a drawn out build-up, instead rushing forward right from the first moment. I liked the harmonizing, the strong drumbeat, and the catchiness. I also enjoyed Renaissance’s swirling and soaring vocals (another b-side that could’ve been a single) and Thawing, despite its odder sound effects, charmed me with its earnestness.

Save Me, Save You was the first WJSN song I heard, and is probably the one that best sums up their style. It starts soft, almost not there in the first verse, then tiptoes its way through the pre-chorus, and with a couple drum beats, that magical chorus takes over and suddenly you’re floating. As mentioned, their songs are often a bit too bubbly or understated for me, but I can acknowledge when a song does its style well, and this one absolutely does. I didn’t even mind the rap! I like the setting of the magic school and the incredibly fast shifting in the eyes between the bridge and the last chorus, but I wish it drew itself out more, to make the best use of that excellent vocalizing.

From WJ Please?, the EP, I really had a good time nodding my head to You, You, You, especially during its bridge and last chorus and I added it to my roller skating playlist. I also enjoyed the hints of flamenco and layered strings in the background of I-Yah, a surprisingly lovely sound for the title. It really reminded me of I Knew It by Sonamoo, one of my favorite Latin-pop inspired K-pop tracks. Masquerade also has a great use of strings, this time combined with a gentle piano, and Hurry Up uses a brightly jazzy beat to add some contrast. These four together absolutely make this my favorite EP so far, which is pretty funny, as all these songs are better than the title.

La La Love’s Carnival setting is interesting, and is the decision to have a pre-chorus that leans into sing-talk. The choice mostly works and doesn’t interrupt the good flow that the song has, and I like the high vocalizing that twinkles around the chorus. On the whole, the song is pretty enjoyable and gentle, but, like I usually do, I wish it had more of a hook that would make it stick in my head. Completely different from the last EP, I didn’t have a hidden gem for this one, though I thought 12 O’Clock was nice.

With how much I liked their last summer comeback, I was excited for Boogie Up. The song is pretty upbeat and on the whole, reminds me of a much more bubbly version of Red Flavor by Red Velvet. It’s catchy, but it has a bit too empty of a chorus for me, and doesn’t innovate on a pretty tried-and-true pop formula enough to stand out. I do like the fun instrumental and the bridge, though. Their bridges are almost always pretty great.

From the EP For The Summer, I honestly really liked the song For The Summer with its bright and flouncy energy (though as I often do, I thought the rap was unnecessary), and the horns were a nice touch. Let’s Dance follows in the stead of WJ Please’s great, Latin-pop inspired b-sides, though I don’t think it’s quite as unique as those.

As You Wish has a very bouncy beat from the beginning, and its excellent electronic sound draws from disco. Its pre-chorus build is great as well, and the chorus delivers, making it both one of my favorite titles so far and what I’m sure will become a fixture on my roller-skating playlists. Its last chorus is delightfully bright, but my favorite part is absolutely that outro, which brings together the vocals and the instrumentals perfectly and should’ve been so much longer. From the EP, also titled As You Wish, I liked the vocal showcase and twinkling piano in Lights Up, and the drumline beat of Don’t Touch.

Butterfly is another song I already knew by WJSN, and its bubbly energy works surprisingly well for me. I think this is the first of their title tracks that has a deeper meaning than an average love song, and I’m very happy to see it. There’s never enough songs about freedom and being yourself, in my opinion. The last chorus’ vocalizations, as often in WJSN’s singles, elevates the song greatly, and its fizzy instrumental brings everything together. The visuals of flowing white dresses and puffy clouds are a great addition too.

From Neverland, while I enjoyed the back and forth, rushing energy of Hola and the string-led instrumentation of Where You Are, my hidden gem was absolutely Pantomime. I first heard it while watching Queendom, and though I do definitely prefer the more 20’s jazz-inspired, more theatrical version from their stage there, there’s still a lot to love here. I especially enjoy how clipped and off-beat it is, setting it apart from WJSN other’s b-sides.

Unnatural is a bit of a darker counterpart to Butterfly, also about not quite fitting into normalcy (hence the title). I really liked the rap in this one, and how well it fit into the tempo. Also, the way the pre-chorus pulls back and then rushes forward is great. I like the more minimalistic instrumentals and how they let the vocals flow and speak for themselves. Overall, I think it’s one of their strongest outings. From Unnatural, the EP, I really liked the mix between WJSN’s high voices and the self-assured tone and beat in Last Dance, though I wish the instrumental was more distinctive.

Last Sequence is, at time of writing, WJSN’s most recent comeback, from a year ago. It also falls into the more minimalistic electro-pop synth style of their last few singles, which of course I’m in favor of. I do feel like the chorus needed more of a lead-in than it has, but besides that, I do really like this one. As always, its bridge is great and so is the lead-in to the last chorus (the yeongwohni, yeongwohni, yeongwohni is stuck in my head now). I didn’t have a hidden gem for this comeback, as it’s only a 3-song single.

I’m glad I did this! Like I said, I didn’t know much about WJSN before this review. But, I’ve learned that they were an important part in making what I now consider a very classic 3rd generation K-pop sound, and their music became the blueprint for many groups afterward. I’ve watched some interviews and had some good laughs, and even seen a couple compilations of their best performances on Queendom. I definitely liked their later music more than their earlier, though, and after hearing their work, I’m sad that they don’t come back nearly as often as they used to.

My Top 5 songs are Butterfly, Last Sequence, Kiss Me, I-Yah, and Hurry Up, with Pantomime as an honorable mention . WJSN gets an 8.25 out of 10 from me. I think that on the whole, their songs are pretty good and there were very few I actively disliked. The biggest issue I face is that I listen to and analyze So. Much. K-pop. (probably thousands of songs by now) and because of that, only the groups that do something unique or innovative, have incredible voices, self-produce, or consistently discuss important subjects in their work really stick with me. WJSN is very talented, but while they have a niche, they don’t really add anything new to what’s been done time and time again.

Next time, I have a very special soloist review coming up, that’s going to come out on December 18th (a day late). If you know your k-pop and my blog, you can probably guess what it is. It’ll be a bit different from a usual review, but I felt like it was time. Tschüss!

[making-use-of-a-brain]

Cognitive Distortions (Long Writing/Vent)

I'm in my therapist's office. It's half-past-noon; the clock is exactly fifty-two minutes fast. I know because Kathy left to get a printout and in the thirty seconds she was gone, I frantically pulled out my phone and did the math, because I hate this place and I want to count down every single fucking second until I can be out of here.

I really fucking hate this place.

Kathy hands me the printout. COGNITIVE DISTORTIONS: MIND-READING. We go over it. Kathy reminds me of a teacher I had in middle school: "Here's a piece of paper you can read with your own eyeballs. Emotions are not facts. Read it. Read it again. I'll remind you emotions are not facts. Now I'm going to read it aloud to you in the most paint-drying, grass-growing voice God has ever given to someone. By the way, emotions are not facts. Now I'm going to reiterate every point on the page. Did I mention that emotions are not facts?"

I nod and smile and try not to say "I guess," because to me it's a filler phrase to diffuse tension but to her it's a sign I'm holding something back. In her defense, I usually am, but if I'm not planning on saying it, waterboarding couldn't get it out of me. Her repeated asking doesn't stand a chance.

Anyway, there's nothing on the page I haven't tried before. Besides, how am I supposed to know the line between being a decent person with some semblance of empathy -- emphasis on semblance, by the way, because I'm faking it, I think -- and COGNITIVE DISTORTION: MIND-READING. If you don't think about the little signals people drop to key you in to how they feel behind their polite façade, then you're an inconsiderate brat. If being considerate takes effort and you put in that effort, then you have Generalized Anxiety Disorder. A fella can't win, but I've made my choice: the latter seems less harmful.

Later, I'm sitting at my computer, idling in a group chat with two of my favorite people. They're married. And thirty. I can count the number of people who actually regularly text me back on one hand, and they're two of 'em. Except one of them has been quiet lately. I think he dislikes me. That makes two of us. I think he isn't telling me because his wife happens to want to keep me around. Her reasoning is beyond me.

I can't decide whether the idea feels like death itself or if I'm okay with it because I don't need either of them and if he has a problem with me, that's his problem and he can bring it up directly.

What I can decide is that the latter half of that dilemma makes me feel awful inside. He's my friend. Or, if my suspicions are right, he was my friend. Who gives a shit about past tense? He was good to me. He helped me. I wish I'd gotten the chance to return the favor. Maybe returning the favor looks something like leaving him the fuck alone.

Maybe returning the favor looks something like telling his wife we can't be friends anymore, because I'm a messed up person and I know it's only a matter of time before I mess up irreparably badly and cause more collateral damage than I can ever hope to make up for, and I probably won't even feel that bad about it. Now that I think about it, she's been quiet, too.

Maybe returning the favor looks something like going to sleep and never waking up.

Kathy would tell me that's all COGNITIVE DISTORTION: MIND-READING, maybe with a side of CATASTROPHIZING.

But Kathy's not here right now. My conscience is, though, and it's telling me that deep down, I'm just wired a little wrong. It's nobody's fault, but it is my responsibility to not be obnoxious. To not be a problem. To not be a crisis anyone else has to deal with. It's telling me that I have to earn my keep and, if I can't do that, then I have to take my leave and find someone else to go all parasite on until they can't take it anymore and the cycle starts all over again. That, or I could stop altogether, I guess.

Easier said than done, though.

[salaciousslut]

Take your time<3 I know whatever songs you share with me will be good! Plus im not picky with what music im listening to!!

And im so sorry to have kept you waiting so long sweetheart, i just got home not too long ago! And i didnt drink all my alcohol last night so i have a full bottle of soju and two shooters to myself 🤭 also omg it looks like you may have a higher liquor tolerance than me 🫣 I got decently drunk off one and a half bottles. Maybe thats a good amount for someone who's a bit of a lightweight with alcohol. But im never hung over and i never black out, i just get hazy on the details sometimes 🫣 i kept thinking about you last night and this morning, i just think it wouldve been real fun hanging out with you and talking over a few drinks<3

When im brave enough to go into your dms i know we'll have a lot of fun talking to each other on call!! And when i receive those voice messages just know i'll cherish them🥰 Tbh i'm real big on voices. And to be honest any noises people make im here for them, its too easy to rile me up. All someone has to do is breathe in my ear a little and i wanna stretch them out on my fingers🫣 its a bit of a curse

Thats so sweet of you! Youre too nice, i'll be getting a candle warmer myself but for now im just saving to get my own apartment. Once i get the place to stay and the essentials down, the candle warmer's coming next! You're adorable<3 you deserve to be warm, happy, and giggly always<3 i would kill to see how pretty your tits look with wax all over them<3 i think you'd look so pretty and i cant help but imagine you smiling up at me after dripping candle wax on your pretty body and im going crazy🥺 he didnt deserve you, but i get it ive also had some stupid experiences with some stupid guys during low points in my own life. I just hope that the people who have access to your body are worthy of something so sweet and so pretty<3

You are literally my favorite kind of person omg<3 i love folks with rbf that are actually sweethearts like you, princess<3 like most of my friends are like that, i feel like im the least intimidating bc i supposedly have a kind smile. I'd be more than happy to take turns being the big spoon and the little spoon 🥺 i love being held as much as i love to hold people, and ofc i'll bring the shark dude's my sleeping buddy i hold him almost every night🤭 spoil me too much and i'll be insufferable, dont go off and feed my god complex too much sweetheart<3

hehe hi handsome!!! im glad u got home safe and had fun!!

thats good thay ur never hungover or blackout!! but its okay ill tale care of u if u do!! and yeah i can handle my drinks i think! thats why ill sometimes drink on an empty tummy if im feel cheap or just wanna get wasted!! i knowww i was thinking of you too!! just wanna talk and watch you with your friends!!

hehe take ur time!! ur brave in my eyes but i know dms are scary!! i love voices too! and i love silly banter so talking people is so fun to me! and like u said, i also love voices hehe, im pretty auditory when it comes to people so i love just listening

please stretch me out!!! i love being a tease and a bit of a menace but i promise, once you start teasing me, i melt 🥺☺️

thank you 🥺 youre soooo kind and i wish i could help and spoil u!! and make sure u have everything that u need to thrive!!

awww i love smiles, thats actually one of my fav features on people so i bet yours is soooo charming and beautiful. as i said i love feeding god complexes, theres just something so hot about someone who knows their worth and has an air of confidence that makes me weak at the knees so trust me, ill be feeding into it a lot if you let me

[blackvail22]

bro i have been sick as hell these past few days

took a covid test and, well, i have covid!!

the first time ever, too

and now, in about 6 hours from now, i have to call my job and tell them that

I. FEEL. SO. BAD.

i know its not my fault im sick, but we only have, like, one person to replace me... and if he cant work, what then? i think there is a new person, but im the associate that trains people, too. who is going to train her?

i keep writing the script of what im going to say in my head. i keep going over it over n over... nothing seems quite right...

its so difficult to talk to my store manager, too. i mean, im socially awkward in general, but she doesnt respond in ways i can expect? and its difficult to read her facial expressions (if she has any at all), so it stresses me out. i cant understand her lol

and thats not her fault...

but i have to call off (again), but this time, its for five days. oooh my god.

i might just ask to talk to my assistant store manager, but i know shes usually busy when shes not mod... and shes stressed out enough lol

im going to SOB

i think my fear of not being believed is taking a part in my anxiety, too, since my mom never believed i was sick while growing up (i was sick so much it caused me to have a disease in my tonsils and severe sinus issues and allergies) so, i mean!!

everything always ends up back to my mom

kinda crazy

kinda... sad.

off topic, but i find it difficult to talk about my dad to my sister, specifically in a... bad way. shes so close to him that she wont see much, if any, wrong in him, so its generally hopeless lol

like, my dad has always had favoritism towards my sister. he showed up to everything for my sister and paid full attention to it. me? nahh. he'd go *sometimes* or if he had to take me, but he wont pay attention.

it makes me sad that i never really had a parent i could go to. i guess i go to my dad, now, but its not the same. its not. i still have this uncomfortable feeling towards him. or, like, he isnt my dad. i dont know. i just see him in a different light now... idk how to explain it

how did it go from me having covid to me being anxious abt telling my boss to me having daddy issues?

woah

i need to take my concentration medication LMAO

its 2:18am on december 2nd, 2023.

i am v much not okay! and thats okay

i just wish i get some actual sleep and i stop fucking coughing

oh, and for my boyfriend to text me back when he wakes up instead just reacting with a heart to my message

goodnight!

update: i got decent sleep, im not coughing as much, AND my boyfriend texted me back. didnt expect that to happen lmao

[minimoll7]

Oh I try to be sincere, I could do better but I'm working on it lol and yeah I've heard people say sometimes a simple prayer is better than an essay, which is a little tough for me since I naturally say a lot (even to the point that I'm just repeating myself over and over but using different words). And aah yeah the praise thing makes sense, after all just being asked for something over and over without any gratitude is selfish. I've been trying to praise more so that's good to know!

My family's been going to this church since I was a young child. I've been to it a lot myself, as my parents took me there when I was a kid. Even when I began struggling to go due to sleep issues, I still went a decent amount, so I know a lot of the people there. Its always been a very kind church and I feel blessed that we've got a good one here! Everyone's so kind and welcoming, it feels so full of life! Like bro, I wish you could drop by the place!

Yeah my memory isn't always great, tho sometimes it's amazing the amount of detail I can recall. But I think with me its like.. People argue with me a lot, like in general I mean. I've dealt with that since I was a kid, where I'm trying to open up about something and whoops now its become an argument. I definitely get very nervous talking about certain topics with people, as I fear it'll instantly become an argument. And since the Bible and faith is such an important topic, I feel more pressured to make sure I'm not making any big mistakes. The last thing I want to do is argue about God's word of all things. Add my dad to the mix, who often responds to things with anger, and oof! A recipe for a lot of fear! I've honestly been considering on talking to my pastor about this, he is very aware of my dad's issues as well, so I'm thinking he'll be able to help (tho I definitely want to give myself some time first, like actually go to church a little more before I do that)

Huh! Well that is good to know! I always wondered if I was just being selfish in wanting my dad to get better, like more for my own sake instead of his. But it is easy to get so caught up in how I feel about something, that I don't even see the obvious lol

;w; You are to kind!! Honestly, I can't really pinpoint what it is exactly but there's just something about you that makes you feel very approachable to me. From the moment I started following you, I felt a desire to reach out. Maybe you're the answer to my prayer to, since I've been praying for Christian friends as well, Lord knows I need them! I've been losing friends left and right because I'm Christian (which I did see coming but it still hurts) and after the one I recently lost, one that I didn't really think was that bothered by my faith, it pushed me just enough to finally reach out. And get me going back to church to actually lol

Hello!! It's me again!! I have another question!! I saw a post the other day, I think I saw it on twitter, but it brought up a Bible verse that I've always been confused on. The one that talks about honoring your parents. What exactly does it mean to honor your parents? Like what does one do to honor their parents?

I ask this because my relationship with my dad is not good. I don't want to get into to much detail here (as tempting as it is lol) so the most I'll say is that he isn't a great dad. He has a lot of anger issues, he's insensitive and at times judgmental. He knows the Bible like the back of his hand but he feels very dead in it. He hides behind it a lot instead of actually tackling his issues in any shape or form. Always says that God is working on him but nothing ever changes, he's still the same miserable man he's always been

Because of all of this, I do not love him. I try to, but I just can't. I don't want him around me, I try to avoid him as much as I can, his presence alone can greatly sour my mood. And yet, God talks about honoring one's parents. There's clearly importance to that, I just don't fully get it. I don't understand what it truly means to honor my parents. As much as my dad needs to change, does this include change in me as well? In how I view and interact with him? I hope this isn't to much of an ask from me (and I hope I didn't overstep any boundaries with everything I've said here lol)

Oh, beloved, how I related to your predicament...

Well, for starters, a good and basic way to honor your parents is through obedience to them. Under their roof as a child to being an adult and visiting them, doing as you are asked or told by your parents is honoring them. There is also how you speak of them to others and truly in your heart; are they respected? Do you obey your mother at home but when you're with friends is she spoken of bitterly? I feel like I could go on, but overall the principle of honoring your parents has its roots in the supreme commandment of honoring God - for what are earthly parents if not a picture of God's character?

But as is often the case, parents are not perfect, and some of us are born to difficult fathers. I want to say right off the bat that despite of how sour, even miserable our relationship with our fathers may be, we are still called to honor them as well (though not above the authority and commandments of God, and not to where we don't reach out for help when we can as his sins are not justified by any obedience towards him).

Myself and all of my siblings can attest to the less than stellar relationships we had with our father; he too had anger issues - he'd walk into the room and everything would go silent, every now and then he'd explode about something or make a mountain out of an anthill - and right to the T with your father is how I'd continue to describe mine.

With this, we can look at your lack of love for him. The beautiful thing about love is that it's not a feeling, but it's actions. Love is deciding to repay anger with gentleness, bitterness with kindness, a rude comment with an "I love you", and praying for him - the more often, the better - for God commands us to love even our enemies and to pray for those who persecute us (Matthew 5:44), and unfortunately sometimes our fathers are our enemies.

My father was also a man who was very close with bible verses, and I personally look back upon his life and see an honest effort from a man with more pain than I think I ever got to know. My pop felt like a better father when he tried being my friend, if I'm being honest, but I know he cared in his own way (he made sure everyone was at church if you were under his roof, and I'm glad he did) and I'd very much like to give your father the benefit of the doubt; many of us don't like who or where we are, even as Christians, so it could be that is something he's dealing with, or he very well could be dealing with the sin of pride. Regardless, and in fact because of how unlovable he is to you, he needs you all the more, and that right there is one great way to honor you father: love him even when he is unlovable.

And, to be blunt, I would get to loving him ASAP, because tomorrow is not guaranteed.

------------------------------------------------------

I am once again blessed that you would consider me for advice, and I thank you for I am coming from some personal evaluation of whether or not there are any works within or from me to justify my faith. By the good grace of God, here you are to demand my reliance upon Him with what couldn't have been a more tailor-suited question.

I'll be praying for you both, I sincerely hope you two will be reunited and get to reconcile and grow.

[ivant1ll]

HIHI!! can i request a fluff fic of seven from mystic messenger? THANK YOUU

#. Cuddling With 707 !

💭 ‘C0NTENT DESCR1PTION!

. loading 100% 🍓 \\ synopsis : cuddling with an overworked seven? hell yes. ♯. genre = fluff ! word count : 1515

AAAAAH I WOULD LITERALLY GIVE THE WORLD FOR SEVEN THANK YOU FOR THE REQUEST KU!! Me when the 4lifers in the gc give the best requests !!! the way i have once again changed my formatting a bit, god damn was it fun to put extra effort into this fic!!

You know that Seven is often overworked. His job mercilessly working him through the nights, leaving him beyond worn out. Unable to really leave much due to the lack of energy, you can't help but feel so incredibly bad when you'd notice the small details. Disheveled hair, bags under eyes, constant yawning, you wish you could do more for your boyfriend to help take the stress of the workloads off of him. As you begin brainstorming to yourself at your desk, suddenly you get a ping on your phone, it seems to be a notification from the messenger. Your curiosity peaks as you wonder who sent a message this time.

Y/N! Mannn im so tired T_T... just had to work another all-nighter lolol

"Again... what if I maybe head over to his place to go hang out with him? Getting his mind off of everything happening with work might help him out. Why does being a hacker have to be such a complicated and hard job anyway..." You complain, but alas you can't just expect Seven to not have a job. You begin typing up a response.

SEVEN!! Good afternoon<3 are you alright? How are you feeling right now? You should really take a nap or something soon if you're this tired, I don't want anything to happen if you don't sleep enough.

Nah don't worry about it darling~ I'll be just fine. This is normal anyway, so I'll just make some coffee or something and try to find something to do

Well.... how about this, why don't I head over to your place. I really have been missing you and I'd honestly really like to see you right now

Omg... I'd actually really love that yes!! Quick quick come over, faster than you've EVER gone anywhere. Now I wanna see you so so badly!!!

You giggle to yourself at Seven's child-like reactions when he is excited by something. You quickly go to pick out a cute outfit as you type a quick response.

Well then if you say so lol, I'll start getting ready now! I LOVE YOU SEVEN I'LL SEE YOU SOON<3

LOVE YOU TOO BABE! Now, go begin your ultimate speedrun!

You swiftly then begin to get ready, putting on an outfit enough to wow your boyfriend. You hope that this will hopefully make him feel even better, swiftly leaving your apartment right after you pack up everything you may need. The drive over to Seven's place is decently long, seeing as he lives in quite a secluded area. You don't mind though; it is quite nice to be in such a quiet area when visiting him.

As you finally make it, you text Seven asking to let you in since the security system has always been far too confusing to try and learn. You stand there for a few moments once it says he reads your text, until suddenly the door opens. There standing before you is your lovely boyfriend Seven, once again sporting his disheveled sleep deprived look.

"Jesus Christ has he not slept in days?!" You worriedly ask yourself. Due to that worry, you quickly rush in to hug Seven feeling as though he needed it. You tightly embrace him, ensuring that he is wrapped in nothing but the tender feeling of your overwhelming love to take away any worries he may have. His face lights up in response, beyond happy to see you. You then realize how much he must have missed you while constantly working, which makes you only wanna hug him tighter.

Seven breaks through the silence of you both hugging to lean down and give you a tender kiss on the forehead, "I missed you so much babe!" He lets out an accompanying yawn. "Come on inside." He says with an adorable grin on his face. You can already tell he feels quite happy which can't help but make your heart feel even warmer. "Oh yeah... heh- I'm sorry about the mess. There's things like everywhere but, I'll try to get to cleaning it as soon as possible." Seven let's out an awkward laugh and you walk in to see the effects of your boyfriends' sleepless nights on his small house. Empty bags of Honey Buddha chips, energy drinks, barely anything that's really even considered food.

"Oh, it's fine, I can help you clean! Just like always don't pick up any of the stacks of papers and other documents rights?" Knowing that Seven keeps a lot of confidential info in here, you make sure that you offering to help wouldn't be invading in the privacy of his work.

Seven smiles once again at your kind gesture, "Well, I wouldn't want to have you cleaning up after my mess but thank you so much babe! I really appreciate the offer~ you can just pick up the small items all over the floor I'll take care of the papers later when it doesn't feel like my body is gonna slump over and just..." He then dramatically slumps back in his desk chair, "And just die...!" He laughs in response at his own joke, to which you nudge at him for his teasing, "Well then, you better make sure you get some good sleep tonight cause maybe you 'just dying' isn't very fun!"

Trying to change the topic from his current sleep situation, he quickly brushes off your comment. "Yeah yeah, you do look incredibly pretty in that outfit right now though. Literally just seeing it makes me want to kiss you more and more by the second..." You can see Seven's face has gone a shade of pink, and he is trying to contain his smile of awe.

"Well, I wanted to make sure that I dressed my best today to see you! I thought it would put a smile on your face and well, mission accomplished~" You walk forward and proceed with the kiss before the redhead could get to it. The sudden showing of affection makes Seven whip out the theatrics again, "Oh alas, it seems as though the princess has stolen my heart again! Looks like I gotta get you back and do that to you unexpectedly now!" You both proceed to giggle as you begin helping to pick up the small pieces of trash on the floor, tables, etc. Buy, you couldn't help but continue eyeing Seven, knowing that he doesn't want you to be concerned about his current state. It's not until you see him stumbling around, obviously barely even to keep his body even standing, you quickly panic and rush over to the redhead.

"Seven! You need to rest, now! You can't just keep causing harm to your body and saying it's okay. If you're worried about causing me concern, then please know you'll only cause me more from not taking care of yourself. Please babe, rest..." You plead softly as you lead Seven over to his bed.

"Y/n... please don't feel like you have to be so concerned for me- I'm fine I swear." He tries to give a soft laugh to reassure you, but it's obvious that his body cannot even muster that in the state it's in.

"Nope, don't wanna hear it!" You place your boyfriend on his bed, placing yourself right next to him.

"But whyyy- y/n, you traitor!" Seven whines.

"Traitor? Yeah alright, how dare I make you lay down~" You teasingly reply as you nudge yourself closer to the redhead. Stroking his hair slowly in rhythmic patterns, you begin to bring Seven in another warm embrace. "Seven, I care about you... so incredibly much. I don't want you to just start assuming you can just mistreat yourself right after working for so long. Please, start taking care of yourself more babe." You lecture him as you kiss him on the forehead, he looks down.

"Yeah yeah... I'll try y/n- I'm sorry for keeping you so concerned, you really don't need that kind of stress." He places his head right under your chin, his hair tickling along your next as you continue stroking his hair.

You give a smile, "Don't apologize Sev~ just... get some good rest my love."

He doesn't respond, but that's fine. You continue to lull the redhead to sleep until finally, you can hear his soft peaceful snores. Never has it looked like someone could be enjoying sleep more than Seven in that very moment, that's what gives you an overwhelming sense of comfort. Just holding him, keeping him close and protecting him. Your heart skips a few beats at first, your face a shade of pink.

Your eyes begin to slowly drift into slumber as well.

© grayson-png \ please do not repost or redistribute my work as your own

[sakinotfound]

Prompt 10 with Sasuke Uchiha?

"I dreamt of you" "Sounds hot." "It was a nightmare."

pairing: sasuke uchiha x reader

genre: fluff

warnings: a small graphic depiction of gruesome killing, slightly suggestive

prompt list

you huffed.

tossing and turning for the past twenty minutes made you irritated. you tried to count sheeps, it didn't help instead you kept counting to see till what number could you keep on counting. meditation didn't help because your mind kept running off everywhere and even though you swear you tried to concentrate, a certain someone clogged your brain. 

"it's fucking useless." you muttered. "i might as well get up."

walking out of your tent, you were greeted with cool, refreshing breeze. the grass on the ground danced in the direction of the wind, making a beautiful 'V' as it blew on.

"this is much better." 

team Taka had decided to rest the night over here as they would be heading south tomorrow morning. the journey would be quite long so Mr. Grumpy Uchiha ordered, not suggested or adviced, ordered all the members to go to bed early.

now who the fuck sleeps at 9 p.m.? 

certainly not you, courtesy to your energetic body language and brightly lit eyes. you leisurely walked around, aiming at no place in particular, just taking your time and enjoying the silence.

now you very much enjoyed Karin and Suigetsu's  24/7, 365 days bickering evident by your habit to pipe in from time to time and you also enjoyed annoying or as you like to call it- flustering your team captain, but you'd be lying if you said moments of peace and solitude like this weren't very much appreciated and needed.

"brooding in silence, Uchiha?" you called out as soon as you recognised his form and chakra. "or are you thinking about someone, under the stars and the moonlight, near the lake as if-"

"i dreamt of you." he cut you off. his head hanging low.

you shut up in an instant. that's… not what you expected. he dreamt of you? as in had a dream in which you were there. he didn't mention anyone else, just you.

was it a wet dream- oh God, did he just have a dream about you two-

"sounds hot." you blurted out.

"it was a nightmare." 

well a decent person with some shame and dignity would have wanted to be buried 10 ft under the ground and would be apologising profusely by now.

but you, you shameless creature would have said it anyways because of your blabbering mouth that always gets you into trouble.

you let out a small chuckle at first and then went full on laughing mode. "of course it was. i haunt you even in your dreams, pretty boy." 

you joked but didn't let it show that it slightly hurt. you wished he actually dreamt of you, wet or not, but it would have made your day to say the least. constant bickering was your way of flirting and annoying Sasuke but talking to him actually made you happy. you genuinely liked him and you were sure you made it painfully obvious.

"i have dealt with pretty messed up stuff but that dream was gruesome."

"what? did i rip you open with my sharp long nails, but didn't damage any important internal organs causing you to bleed yourself to death instead of immediately killing you so you-"

"no you didn't. in fact i almost lost you, in an even cruel way. i woke up sweating and all." he replied. "i did went to check up on you. but since i sensed your chakra, i didn't want to disturb you so i didn't knock."

"i am glad you're alright." he ended after a minute long pause.

your heart was a frenzy inside your chest, you swallowed the screams of excitement threatening to escape your lips. on the outside you looked unaffected but your body told a different story.

"i couldn't sleep anyway. also if you ever need to talk, you can come to me."

"huh? hmm got it." 

"uh, Sasuke? are you alright there?" you shifted on your feet. 

"yeah just-" he sighed. "nothing. why couldn't you sleep?"

"dunno," you shrugged. you sat down next to him on the stone and looked towards the lake just like him. 

he didn't say anything in return and you didn't expect him to. you two just sat down in silence for a minute or two.

you didn't know why a nightmare affected him so much. shinobi get nightmares all the time, it comes with the package. 

"Y/n, if you don't mind, stay with me here for some time."

now now now what a perfect opportunity to tease him and joke about this but he was being vulnerable for the first time since you had the blessing to meet the Uchiha and since you two ever talked. this was so new to you that you questioned if he was even Sasuke or some impostor.

but you knew better.

"it'd make me assured." 

"sure." you replied. if it'd make him be at peace, you could stay for as long as he wanted.

"thank you." slight pink dusted his cheeks and he was glad it was dark and you weren't looking at him.

a/n: thanks for sending an ask, hope you like it :)

[dreamypqulson]

— and finally it seems, my lonely days are through

summary: cordelia has always hated mother's day until one day, her life flips around and it becomes her favorite holiday.

pairing: cordelia goode x reader

word count: 900

a/n: for @lanawinters-ily because my last fic gave her baby fever hehe

pt.2

Mother's day had never been a great day for Cordelia. The first mother's day she remembers was going into Fiona's office to give her a card and walking out with tears streaming down her face.

Even with someone -Myrtle- stepping up to the plate as her mother, of course it still hurt knowing that her biological mother hated her. It hurt her knowing that someone who wasn't even family, was more of a mother to her than her actually one.

But as she got older, she had learned to except it. Mother's day had just became a normal day.

Then she wanted a child so desperately. She wanted to have a kid and promise to be the complete opposite of Fiona. Show that child what real motherly love is.

So she attempted many times to have a child with Hank.

Until that didn't work out.

                                        ____

"Shhh don't wake mommy up, she gotta sleep" you whispered, shifting your weight so you were faced away from your wife. But that didn't seem to stop the nine month old in your arms with her loud blabbering and frantic arms.

You tried to shush her by bouncing her up and down but that didn't seem to work. She was too excited to see her other mother after being with you all morning.

You felt a shift on the other side of the bed. You knew that your attempt to not wake Cordelia up has failed.

"Mm what time is it?" You turned to face Cordelia. Her eyes were heavy and tired. It was early and with being up all hours of the night to accommodate your daughter, sleep just didn't fit into either of your schedules anymore.

You bit down on your lip and took a moment before answering "seven thirty." A groan that you expected to escape her lips never did. Yes, she wished she could get a decent night of sleep but she couldn't be mad at your pretty face or your daughters adorable face.

"Most sleep i've gotten this week. But you" she placed her pointer finger to your chest "what time did you wake up?"

"Well...Lily woke me up at five because she was hungry. After that, neither of us could fall back asleep." you looked down at the infant in your arms. She was all smiles and giggles.

"My my, let me see my little early bird" as if the baby could understand her, she crawled right into Cordelia's arms.

Cordelia cradled Lily in her arms, attacking her face with kisses and leaving a 'mwah' sound for the baby's amusement. "Hey! Did you forget about me?" You teased. Really, this sight had made your heart warm but you wanted some Cordelia kisses too.

"How could I forget about you?" she smiled dreamily at you and pulled your face closer to hers. Pressing your lips against hers for what lasted longer than a few seconds, you got so caught up when Cordelia had bit down on your bottom lip that you almost forgot about the baby in her lap.

When you pulled away, you kept your forehead leaned against hers. "Happy mother's day, love" you murmured against her lips.

A gasp escaped her mouth and you looked at her confusingly.

"Oh my god. That's today? I totally forgot. I'm so sorry, i would've planned something but i've been so caught up-" you ended her blabbering with a peck on her lips. It was quicker than the last one but still long enough to relive her sudden stress.

You knew a big reason that she forgot was because once she got older, this holiday just turned into another normal day.

"Don't worry about it, Delia. I have the both of you and that's more than enough." You could tell that she was trying to hold in her tears. A lump in her throat had restricted her from speaking so she took a moment. And you gave her all the time she needed.

"Happy mother's day, sweetheart" she finally said after a few seconds. You beamed at each other before chubby hands began to attack Cordelia's face.

"Oh i'm sorry, were we not giving you enough attention?" Cordelia said. You giggled. She had always been so good with Lily. But you knew she would be. She had this motherly instinct that you could see from the first time you met.

She showed that child so much love throughout these nine months, plus the nine months in your stomach.

When you both brought Lily home from the hospital, you were a wreck. But Cordelia was there not only helping with Lily but with you too. When in your stomach, she would talk to her during late nights and early mornings. She would make sure that you never missed an oppointment -even though you never would.- She would treat you like a queen as if she hadn't been already.

When you released a yawn, Cordelia moved her shoulder closer to you. She always had what you needed when you needed it.

You took her offer and rested you head on her shoulder, looking down at Lily.

Almost simultaneously, Lily nuzzled herself into Cordelia while slipping a thumb into her mouth. “I love you both so much” Cordelia whispered and placed her head on top of your. “I love you both so much too.”

With this being you and Cordelia’s first mother’s day, you had a whole day of things planned ahead. With the help of the other girls, of course.

And for the second little baby in your stomach, well, Cordelia would find about him or her later. For now, you just wanted to enjoy this beautiful moment with the two girls that you love the most.

Taglist: @loverofallthingssarah @goodeday2u @lanawinters-ily @futuremilfcheck @talulahmae @sapphicforsarahh @ahsfan05 @tatelangdonprincess @stayevildarling @isle-of-earle

message me or send an ask to be added to my taglist!

[xiaq]

Hi, I have a question re:sex and Christianity. Small background: I still go to church, and I still live with my parents even though I'm not much younger than you, because housing is very very expensive where I live (pretty common here, I would say about 2/3 of my friends live with their parents and we are decently privileged kids)

Anyway. How does one get over purity culture? To be clear, I've never been told in church not to have sex, I've never gotten the gendered lessons that you got. But I am terrified of having sex. My first real, multi-year relationship just ended and while there was hand stuff etc, there was never any p in v sex (lol I feel 12). But I still had insane anxiety about being pregnant despite being on bc. And I think its because I know my parents would be so disappointed if I had sex. And if I was pregnant I could imagine all the gossip. And honestly I think im from a pretty open church, b/c one of our previous ministers kids recently got married at 8 months pregnant and lots of church people were at the wedding and supportive and her parents were there and everything.

I dont even think I particularly like sex, i might be on the ace spectrum, but how do I remove it from all the anxiety that's tied to it so I can even give myself the chance to find out???

(Asking because it seems like you've been pretty open about purity culture/removing yourself from it)

CW for sex talk (again)

How does one get over purity culture?

Oh man. That really is the million-dollar question, huh? Obviously, I can only answer re my personal experiences, and this is something you should talk to a therapist about, but I can tell you how I’ve tackled it with my therapist at least.

Purity culture is, at its core, an ideology that is perpetuated by shame. If you’re indoctrinated into purity culture when you’re a kid, the concepts become baked into the way you construct your identity, your perception of self, and your perception of your sexuality. It’s practically intrinsic, by the time you’re an adult, to feel shame any time you’re reminded you have a body, much less a sexuality.

According to the chapels I sat through every week as a kid, a girl's body could be 3 things: an intentional stumbling block for men, an accidental stumbling block for men, or unnoticeable. Women were to strive for the third option so as to keep their (and their male friends/authority figures) purity intact. After all, if a boy, or even your male teacher, had impure thoughts about you, it was your fault for tempting them (which, holy shit. I still can’t believe that was a thing I bought into for so long. If my 45 yr old grown-ass teacher had impure thoughts because he could see my 12 yr old collarbone, that sure as hell wasn’t my fault. But I digress.) The Only time a woman’s body can be something else, is when she gives it to her husband, at which point she must suddenly flip the switch in her brain that she is now allowed to be a Sexual Being and she must perform Sexual Duties despite living in outright fear of her own body and sexuality for years (decades?) up until this point. Jesus take the wheel.

Purity culture isn’t a thing you can just decide to walk away from if you’ve grown up in it. Because its ideology is insidious and internalized. So first you need to submit to the fact that you’re going to be fucked up about sex. It sounds like you’re there. Second, you need to interrogate what you believe. If you’re leaving religion behind entirely, you’ll approach removing yourself from purity culture differently than if you still identify as a Christian. It sounds like you might be the latter, which meant, for me, separating what’s actually biblical and what’s shitty, contrived, doctrine that I was told is biblical but is actually more political than spiritual. This helps you address the shame issue.

You need to throw away I Kissed Dating Goodbye and Lady in Waiting and all those ridiculous books you read and reread in the hopes of somehow obtaining impossible marriage perfection and look into actual scripture interpreted within its historical context. I could write a book on this, but the TL;DR is that the text of the Bible was written, translated, curated, and changed multiple times over thousands of years by human beings with human biases and, often, personal and/or political agendas. It contradicts itself! Reading it as it is—a flawed historical document—rather than some sort of God-breathed perfect document—is incredibly freeing. When you do, you’ll probably realize that purity culture is bullshit on a spiritual level. Which is a good start, if that matters to you. Because any time you start to feel shame or guilt you can ask yourself: does God actually care if I wear a bikini or touch a dick I’m not married to? Probably not. Wear the bikini. Touch the dick.

The most important therapy session for me was when my therapist asked what I would do if I got to heaven and God was actually the God I’d been raised to fear. What would I do if he condemned me for being bisexual and having premarital sex and becoming educated, for arguing with men, and failing to isolate while menstruating, and wearing mixed fabrics? If Montero had come out at the point, I probably would have said I’d pole dance down to hell. Instead, I said I would spit on heaven’s gates. If a god that cruel and that pointlessly demeaning really exists—a god who would create in me condemned desire—I won't worship him. The good news is, I’m 99% sure he doesn’t exist. At the very least, he isn’t supported by scripture.

Okay. The final thing you need to do is figure out what you actually want, sexually speaking. This bit is probably the hardest. I’m still in the early stages of this myself. You say: “I dont even think I particularly like sex, i might be on the ace spectrum, but how do I remove it from all the anxiety that's tied to it so I can even give myself the chance to find out???” Bro, I wish I had an easy answer for you. For me, whenever I’m feeling anxious about Sex Things, I tell myself: 1. My God does not equate my worth to my sexual habits. 2. My partner does not equate my worth to my sexual habits. 3. I do not equate my worth to my sexual habits. It seems silly, but reminding myself of those three things is massively helpful. If, after I’ve sorted through those, I’m still anxious or uncomfortable, I stop doing the thing. I evaluate. Am I overwhelmed and I need to try again some other time? Do I just not like the thing? Sometimes it’s hard to tell. Sometimes you change your mind. Sometimes you just don’t know. That’s why having a partner who you trust and who’s willing to patiently explore your interests (and respect your disinterests) is so important. Half the battle, for me, was having a partner who told me they’d be ok with no sex at all. Because that took the pressure off me. If the bare minimum they need is nothing, then anything more than that is a bonus! Hooray! This is maybe TMI, but let me tell you. I thought I was asexual* right up until I was able to have moderately non-anxious sex. Never in my life did I think I would initiate a sexual situation but… I do now. It’s a fun thing to do with a person I love and, holy shit. I am furious that I nearly missed out on it.

Finally, re birth control: I don’t know how you can approach that fear in a way that works for you. If you don’t want to ever have penetrative sex, that’s fine! If that’s a point of anxiety you can’t get rid of, then don't push yourself to do it. If you find out you like other sex things, do the other sex things! If you don't like doing any sex things, don't do any sex things! Also, have you considered sleeping with people who can’t get you pregnant? Always an option if it’s an option you want to consider. ;)

Okay. I hope this was even a little bit helpful. Sorry if it’s a little convoluted, I typed it up in bursts during my work breaks.

*This is not at all to say that asexuality can be “fixed." Rather, it’s to say that things like purity culture can drastically confuse your sexuality in general. If you’re asexual, then this process is still important to discover what you like/dislike. Then you can be explicit about those necesities and find a partner who’s a good fit (if you want a partner at all, that is).