#Geralt is stupid

[geraskierfanficprompts]

Prompt 146

Geralt is a siren. Sirens should mate with other sirens. He knows this. And yet, as everyone does their mating rituals and finds a consenting recipient, Geralt flies toward the shoreline. There was no sand, really. Just a steep dropoff from the grassy cliffs down 20 or so feet directly into the ocean.

The ocean that holds his desire. He's sure it's not a siren. It does not look like one. It flies like one, but not in the air, not in the sky like he, instead they fly through the water.

They've some feathers, he thinks. But they're covered mostly in looks more like scales. Scales like the yummy fish he hunts occasionally. He does not want to eat them, though. Not as food, at least. He might nibble a little to hear them squeal and giggle. Only if they accept his courtship, of course!

Jaskier is a siren. Sirens should mate with other sirens. He knows this. And yet, as everyone does their mating rituals and finds a consenting recipient, Jaskier swims towards the shoreline. There was no sand, really. Just a steep rocky cliff overhead, tall to where you couldn't jump up or bask there.

Up on that cliff holds his desire! He hopes. He's certain it's not a siren. It looks nothing like one, after all. It swims like one, but not in the sea, not in the waves like you're meant to. They swim in the clouds.

They've no scales, but they seem to have fins. Like a lionfish, perhaps? Or an anemone's tentacles. He wants to run a finger across them, he wants to feel them. Do they feel as soft as they look? When they spread them out as they swim through the clouds? He'll figure out one day. When they accept his courtship, that is.

Day one of courting the oceanflyer! Geralt spends hours making the most beautiful nest, complete with a tunnel-like grand feature in the middle. Geralt makes sure to decorate it with the prettiest most colorful things he could find. Berries, feathers, flowers, even some shiny scraps of metal he found on the edge of the forest, closer to a road where humans will travel through.

Then he sits, and he waits.

Day one of courting the skyswimmer! Jaskier has spent hours swimming elegantly along the sand, making a whimsical and intricate pattern in the sand. A circular nest, a mandala of sand, which he decorates with only the best shells and pebbles.

Then he swims to the surface, and he waits.

The oceanflyer has come! Geralt puffs up his feathers proudly and awaits the inevitable fawning. Except for that no reaction comes from the oceanflyer. He peeks down and finally notices that… Huh. He doesn't think the oceanflyer can even see the nest from where he is. Geralt is embarrassed, but then the oceanflyer beckons him down!

The skyswimmer has come! Jaskier fans out his fins and awaits the inevitable swooning. Except for that… No swooning. Not even a hand to the forehead. Jaskier glances down at the water, and realizes that the skyswimmer must not be able to see the nest from up above! He calls for him with a swing of his arm, and then grabs the oceanflyer and tries to bring him to the nest!

THE OCEANFLYER HATES HIM, HE HATES THE NEST! HE HATES HIM! Geralt can tell because he just tried to DROWN hiM!!! Geralt shrieked and flies away in an embarrassed panic. Clearly he needs a new strategy, this one greatly offended the oceanflyer.

THE SKYSWIMMER HATES HIM!!!! He hates the nest! He HATES him!!! He caught a glimpse of the nest under the water and was so offended at Jaskier's shabby work that he screamed and swam away back into the sky. He desperately needs to find some new scheme to try and make it up to the skyswimmer.

('short' version of prompt ends here)

Day two of courting the oceanflyer. Geralt must do better. He decides to present him with a gift, to show him how he can provide for him, even if they're different beings! He hunts a hare and puts it on a stick. After giving it to the oceanflyer, however, the oceanflyer leaves. Fuck- Did he think it was a threat?

Day three of courting the oceanflyer. Geralt tries a bold and risqué dance. He taps his feet, and waits for the oceanflyer to respond! But then he remembers the oceanflyer doesn't HAVE feet and once again he flies away in an embarrassed panic.

Day four of courting the oceanflyer. Geralt tries a different dance, he spreads out his wings and leaps in the air, spinning around until his back is to the ocean. He glances back and sees the oceanflyer has left. He sighs and mopes away, promising himself again that he'll try his best to do better.

Day five of courting the oceanflyer. He'll do an old classic. He's spent all morning preening his feathers and making sure they were shiny and orderly. He folds his wings in, and fans out his tail. The oceanflyer seems to be watching intently, before the oceanflyer lays back and fans his own tail out. Geralt is amazed by the beauty, but then starts to feel insecure. Perhaps the oceanflyer is saying that Geralt's tail isn't pretty enough for him? Hm. Geralt leaves, intent on trying something else.

Day six of courting the oceanflyer. Geralt doesn't mean to be presumptuous, but so far all his other signs have been misinterpreted. He needs one that will show that he means to COURT, that he is entranced by the oceanflyer and is trying to prove himself a good mate! Thus he finds the prettiest pebble he can find, and offers it by shyly dropping it into the water. The oceanflyer grabs the pebble, but then just disappears into the waters again.

Day seven. Geralt has given up. He can't charm the oceanflyer no matter how hard he tries. He's lamenting this fact as he perches on the cliff, and gazes down at the waters for the last time. The oceanflyer appears, and Geralt takes in the sight of him one last time before he goes to leave. But then he hears it- The oceanflyer is singing. A mating song! Geralt should've tried that ages ago! Geralt mimics the song in reply, peeking over the cliff, and sees the oceanflyer happier than he's ever seen him! Geralt finally got it right!

Day two of courting the skyswimmer. The skyswimmer drops a land animal down to him. Oh! It's food! The skyswimmer wants Jaskier to show he can provide and hunt for him! Jaskier dives down immediately, and hunts. He comes back, a large tuna proudly displayed on a stick of driftwood, but when he peeks up at the cliff again, he sees that the skyswimmer has left. He must've taken too long.

Day three of courting the skyswimmer. The skyswimmer has started a dance, and Jaskier tries his best to mimic it with his tail, but before he's even truly begun to reply, the skyswimmer has already swam away in the air again. Perhaps he's disappointed Jaskier doesn't have legs?…

Day four of courting the skyswimmer. Jaskier has arranged jewelry of pearls and shells, but when he surfaces, the Skyswimmer turns his back to him, dramatically enough that Jaskier can tell that the skyswimmer really wanted him to get this message. Jaskier can take a hint. The skyswimmer didn't want to see him. He was still angry with him for butchering the dance.

Day five of courting the skyswimmer. The skyswimmer is showing off his tail, and Jaskier realizes that he must be telling Jaskier the answer! Of course! Jaskier fans out his fins, and raises his tail out of the water, and strikes what he hopes is an alluring pose. The skyswimmer stares at him for a moment, but then he just leaves again. Jaskier slowly lowers his tail and frets. Perhaps his tail isn't pretty enough. The skyswimmer's tail was so gorgeous, perhaps Jaskier just truly doesn't come close to comparing.

Day six of courting the skyswimmer. Jaskier has applied sparkling oils and lotions to his tail, borrowed from members of his pod, and woke up early to make sure his tail was as beautiful as possible. He swims up to see the skyswimmer, and the skyswimmer gently nudges down a rock. Oh! He wants more pebbles in the nest! He HATED it the first day, but maybe it just didn't have enough pebbles! Jaskier grabs the pebble and goes to add immediately. He surfaces again, a few moments later, feeling very proud of himself, only to see that the skyswimmer has left again. He doesn't know what he's doing wrong.

Day seven. Jaskier is about ready to give up. He can't seem to charm the skyswimmer, no matter how hard he tries. But he'll give it one last attempt, before he says goodbye to this foolish fancy once and for all. He opens his mouth, but the skyswimmer is already leaving. He practiced for hours before coming! He can't've failed already! He sings the beginning of a song, before he sighs. He doesn't know why he thought it'd work. But then he hears it. A reply! The skyswimmer is replying! To his song! He finally got it right!

Jaskier is so ecstatic, he rambles in joy in the common chirps of his pod, and then in another language he'd learned, the common language of the humans nearby. "Yes! I've finally done it!"

The skyswimmer blinks at him, shocked, before he says- "..You know the human language?" "YOU know the human language!?"

[fangirlforeversthings]

Would these characters help you k*ill a spider?

Part 1

The witcher 3

[pixlatedvampire]

It’s been ten years since I finished a drawing so please enjoy these two idiots I drew all the way back in 2021 😭🤣

[hanzajesthanza]

i read a take about the witcher online that i disagree with

[chilljustacat]

[tielmamon]

Geralt meets up with Jaskier at the marketplace only to find him unusually flustered by some merchant he's talking to. Strange, usually its the other way around. Rolling his eyes at another possible angry spouse situation, Geralt stalks his way towards them.

He couldn't really tell you why exactly he's more irritated now- when Jaskier is the one stuttering and blushing under the charms of this fucking nobody- and so he pointedly ignores the little twinge he feels in his chest .

The merchant stands to casually roll the sleeves of his shirt up to his elbows and smiling wider when Jaskier knocks his lutecase against the stall, thoroughly distracted.

With a low growl he didn't realize he was doing, Geralt lays a hand on Jaskier's shoulder once he's close enough. The bard squeaks, turning to Geralt and flushes a deeper shade of red.

"G-Geralt! I didn't hear you, my friend." The bard smiles, but his eyes are slightly frantic.

"Is everything alright?" He asks and before his bard could answer-

"Everything just fine, my good witcher! Was just asking Master Jaskier here to tell me a few stories of his travels." Geralt turns, eye twitching slightly at the interruption. He finally gets a good look at the fucker who seems to have his bard in a blushing mess. Dark wavy hair, strong build, piercing blue eyes, strong jaw and dimples as he smiles.

Nothing they hasn't seen before. Daresay, Geralt might even guess that this man- no, this boy was downright boring to look at, compared to all the other colorful people Jaskier surrounds himself with. Still, the child continues.

"I was just wondering if he had the time to tell me a few over dinner-"

"He's busy."

"Oh, well maybe at breakfas-"

"We leave at dawn."

A tense silence settles between the three. Jaskier's eyes widen upon reading Geralt's attitude. His witcher was thoroughly annoyed. Why? He's not so sure yet but with the snarl on his face and the clenching fists, Jaskier figures it's probably best if they leave now.

"Okay I think it's about time we settle back at the inn, wouldn't you say, Geralt? Right." He doesn't wait for a response, instead snaking his hand around Geralt's arm and tugging hard.

"Henry! Wonderful meeting you, of course. Thank you for your lovely company this afternoon but I'm afraid we have a contract bright and early tomorrow so we really must go. Goodbye!" Jaskier watches the young man startle from his frozen state to a disappointed look as they walk away. Jaskier is reminded of a kicked puppy.

Once they were a safe distance away, the bard turns to ask what the hell was all that about when he realizes that Geralt was straining his neck looking back at the man, eyes narrowed with one of those scowls Jaskier sees him use on people who think its a good idea to touch Roach, or one of his bags, or apparently now Jaskier himself.

"Will you stop that??" The bard all but smacks Geralt's face forward to stop him. The witcher, ever stubborn resists and only relents when he feels a palm cup his cheek to face him.

"What the fuck had you so enamored with him?" Geralt grumbles, like a grump. Jask stops them and shoots him a confused look.

"You don't see it?" He cryptically says, which only confuses Geralt as well.

"See what?" A beat of silence before Jaskier huffs an amused laugh and drags them into the inn, arms linked.

"Nevermind." Jaskier smiles.

[bilberry-jam]

I have created something perhaps ungodly:

Outfit swap! \(^_^)/

[on-a-lucky-tide]

I'm browsing new gym kit and buying the shirts that remind me of the witchers.

Eskel (left), Lambert (right).

Geralt (left), Vesemir (right).

Coën.

[hannibard]

Nothing to see here, just Jaskier pining as usual

[my-jokes-are-my-armour]

Mind ending, world ending, heart wrenching affairs - part 1

Following this little scene with Vespula I was inspired to sum up Jaskier's big love stories. And he is right...

In fact I want to tell the story in a more formal and detailed way but doing some gif to illustrated my parts, I found funny to just make a visual edition of it.

This part sums up in less than 10 gifs his emotional journey in his Geraskier story. Enjoy ❤️

Next one is Radskier ☺️

[geraskierfanficprompts]

Prompt 61

Was talking back and forth with @bakewrite in the comments of my other prompts and this idea popped into my head and won't leave me alone I think @thedemonofcat did a similar prompt to this, about Geralt buying a book about caring for your companion (dog)? Can someone link that to me if they find it lol Geralt walks into a bookstore, and asks if they have anything on how to care for bards. The bookstore clerk has bad hearing, and mistakenly thinks this witcher is looking for a guidebook on how to care for birds. He has a copy of one, so he hands it over in exchange for a reasonable amount of coins, he thinks. Geralt meanwhile is pretty sure he was ripped off. Some of this stuff doesn't sound right.. But he doesn't know enough about normal humans - let alone BARDS - to truly disprove of anything. Some of it makes sense. It recommends to not clip their wings, unless their reckless flight could end up in them being injured. Geralt understands that one. He agrees, in a way. He would never restrict his Bard's freedom, but sometimes he must deny his bard a sexual conquest or party he wants to attend, in order to keep him safe from something or someone. Not even mentioning all the times a hunt is so dangerous he has to keep Jaskier safe at the inn, much to Jaskier's chagrin. It also recommends to feed them fresh fruits along with their seed. It must mean to give them some healthy vitamin-filled fruit alongside bread and other grain based foods, right? All of these sound well and good, but then there's also a chapter explicitly stating that albeit they love touch and petting, you mustn't touch their backs, or else they'll get aroused. Geralt has touched Jaskier's back along the years, he should've known better than to make Jaskier uncomfortable. But Jaskier never seemed angry? In fact, he seemed to enjoy whenever Geralt touched his b- Oh gods, Jaskier LIKES when he touches his back! But page 202 says you aren't to let them like when you touch their back! It also says not to let them be attracted to you, but Geralt wouldn't actually mind if his bard was attracted to him- He shouldn't keep thinking along this path. Its dangerous. It says they like shiny, colorful, and easy-to-destroy enrichment items, but Geralt's bard must be special, in that Jaskier loves shiny things and colorful things, but would prefer things to stay together. Then again, some of his clothing WAS quite delicate... They're very clean, they enjoy baths, and they love to preen. Yes, yes, he already knows this. Sometimes they bite when stressed? Odd, Jaskier hasn't bitten him when stressed. Perhaps he's one of the more docile bards... Bards more unruly than Jaskier... Now that's a terrifying thought. Jaskier starts mumbling in his sleep, and Geralt sets aside his book, tucking it into his bags. He'll hold onto his bard now, and finish his book tomorrow night.

[fangirlforeversthings]

Me: He is a prick, and idiot, an as*hole, a know it all, arrogant and absolutely impossible to bear......

and i freaking love him

[not-your-bro]

regis wore these at stygga btw

[hanzajesthanza]

the training montage in crossroads re-ignited a headcanon i had of geralt waking up and doing gymnastics, performing kickflips and mid-air spins around on a fencepost outside an hour before sunrise to ‘limber up,’ and bleary-eyed dandelion wrapping himself up in a blanket to be like "heyyy... what the hell are you doing 💖"

[sandinthepipes]

I am here once again to remind you of the potential vampire Jaskier has.

Little fragile and mortal human Jaskier, used to rely on others for safety is suddenly given incredible powers with which he could rival Gerald if he wanted to. He was given the ability to say enough without fearing for his life.

[vulpinesaint]

listen i am geralt of rivia hater number one but one thing i actually CANNOT stand is when the fandom mischaracterizes him. took one look at this man who speaks very straight-forwardly and matter-of-fact and is a little recalcitrant with his words sometimes and went "haha he communicates in grunts! man who only says 'hm'!" and then won't even write him to speak in full fucking sentences. hello???? hello???????? yes the netflix show was a bad influence on everybody because they were trying too hard to depict geralt as a stoic manly badass but we CANNOT let that distract us from the REAL thing to make fun of geralt for. which are his Constant Unprovoked Monologues