#Genuinely such a visceral experience my god

[star-shaped-froot-loops]

ok I’ve digested it enough I can share now

watched a few playthroughs of mouthwashing. wgat the fucj.

[sgiandubh]

In Jake Norton's words...

Among domestic clearer political skies (yes, thank God, it's improving greatly!), it is with much interest that I read Jake Norton's first blog entry about the Everest trek with S and team. You can find it here: https://jakenorton.com/reflections-on-hunku/

Here are the excerpts I found most telling, but I do encourage you to read it all. It is genuine, it is honest and it is real. This guy does not need to sugarcoat anything, indeed - not that mountaineers were this particular type, either.

'An adventurous soul with a heart of gold', who 'rose to it all, never flustered or bothered, always interested and engaged and inquisitive.' Remember (ROFLMAO), this is not Tash, the Twitter Sparkle Lounge madame, speaking from her fangirling mirador at a random OL con. This is what a man with a 30 years experience of high-altitude trekking has to say about his unlikely, but enthusiastic travel companion. And to make the unintended (but honest) Slap-an-Idiot operation even more resounding, he then proceeds to explain why this is not even remotely an indulgent judgement of the character. He could not be clearer about it:

'And, to be honest, my little coffeeshop meeting was both to suss out his interest and let him meet me (and judge me) in person, but also, more importantly, to feel him out. Guiding for me is not simply an economic thing, transactional, but about time and people and experience. I’ve done too many “off-the-shelf” trips in the past to have zero tolerance for sharing the mountains with people whose goals and values are misaligned with mine. It took but minutes with Sam to know our worlds, while vastly different, were built upon similar ideas and ideals and approaches.'

He guided S the only possible way one must travel through Asia: with an open mind and an even more open heart. They deliberately ran away from five-stars accommodation (this blogger always combines the humble and the glam, with a noted preference for the genuine 'humble') and graciously responded to the local people's enthusiasm - something that will always be the most beautiful surprise to any traveler who successfully unlearned how to behave like a tourist:

'Unfortunately for Sam, I don’t really believe in the sugar-coated version of Nepal; fancy hotels and windowed views of life are little more than television with smell. I want people to see the real Nepal, wander the back streets, immerse in the smoky incense of dawn on cobbled streets, bells chiming and dogs barking, ambling through the visceral reality that is Pashupatinath, taking in the respite of Bodhanath, embracing the comforting chaos of alleys and backways of Lalitpur.'

Reading this made me both feel nostalgic and itchy. For even if you might find me enjoying high tea, in the Bangkok Mandarin Oriental's Author Lounge, my heart will always, always fondly remember the magical nights in a humble Hmong thatched hut at Ban Somsavath, somewhere midway from Vientiane to Luang Prabang. But that is personal and I wouldn't dare mix it up with someone else's experience, so I won't insist. What I can tell you, though, is that I absolutely believe S is honest when he says he will be back: for it is not the traveler that chooses Asia - it is Asia that carefully, deliberately chooses the traveler.

These sounds are mine. They will always resound loudly in my soul, for too many reasons to list here in tearing haste. Why did I add them, though? Because once your plane crosses the Everest, the magic begins in earnest:

[humdinky]

i just finished watching scavenger's reign yesterday, and let me tell y'all this is genuinely the best piece of sci-fi media i have seen in a long while, and it's insane how little i've seen this show being discussed online! it is probably the most unique and viscerally stunning series i’ve ever seen. the world that they have created is equal parts fascinating and terrifying, and every part of it feels fully realized. sci-fi is at its best when it lets go of nostalgia and explores the unknown, and SR gives me hope that real sci-fi can take root again, and be something beyond what came before it.

i will refrain from giving too much away in my discussion because this show works best the less you know going into it. the premise for this show is simple: crewmembers of a crashed freighter ship are left scattered across an alien planet. a good chunk of time has already passed by the time the show begins, and a few of the survivors have already established camps. however, things quickly spiral out of control as disaster wipes away their progress and forces each of them to move on. it's a harsh and unforgiving world that tests them each and every step of the way on their journey.

worldbuilding is where this show truly shines. it is no easy thing to design an entire ecosystem from scratch. it takes an insane amount of creativity and attention to detail to pull off what this show has. and my god did they fucking pull it off. living balloons floating through the air, large sea creatures that suck up their eggs when faced with danger, tendrilled plants that spawn clones of their prey to track them down - it is a frightening, surreal, and violent world, but harmonious in its own way. some creatures poison you, others clean off the poison. there are your typical type of predators that come at you with sharp fangs and giant pincers, but then there are predators that hunt via more insidious means: manipulating the memories of their prey to have them do their bidding, or hijacking their bodies from the inside. ultimately, the characters who fare best in this world are those who learn to adapt to it, and even sync with it.

SR also boasts a surprisingly well-crafted narrative. we are shown just enough of the world to keep us hooked, but it still feels like there is a lot left to be discovered. i also really enjoy the way the story is delivered to us. we follow the journeys of a few isolated groups whose paths gradually intersect. the characters are all fleshed out and three-dimensional - they were different enough to be unique and quirky, but never too different that it felt overboard. the way they react is exactly how humans in those circumstances would and should, the dialogue and voice acting were just superb. it felt so insanely real at times.

i really do hope that this show gets greenlit for a second season. this type of pure creative freedom is what we need right now. all in all, scavenger's reign is a gorgeous nightmare that you need to experience for yourself.

[the-real-fandom-person]

SAGAU-related brainrot knocking around my skull lately: Lady Maria!Creator.

Noble, graceful, remorseful, powerful, melancholy, otherworldly Lady Maria. The Creator isn’t a pure and untouched soul, she’s a scarred and battle-hardened warrior, ridden with guilt. Trauma has made her cold, yet paradoxically gentle.

Teyvat makes lumenflowers blossom everywhere to herald Maria!Creator’s arrival. Big ones, small ones, towering ones, blooming after sundown alongside the glaze lilies. Even in extreme temperatures, the cold, pale flowers make themselves at home. Slotting peacefully into the local ecosystems without becoming invasive. 

The Pari and the Aranara wake up to find lumenwood groves just outside their respective homes. The Melusines become enamored with these new ‘moon blossoms’ sprouting throughout their village, even the parts that are completely underwater. Amurta students and Fontaine researchers scramble over each other to study this new species. Nilou makes M!C a lumenflower crown, and it replaces her hunter’s cap for the day. Nilou gets the first ever hug from the Creator. Suck it, Azar.

Albedo and Sucrose experiment on these new plants immediately. Xiangling is already using it in some strange new recipe, something Chongyun will actually eat for once. Tighnari, Ganyu, and Shenhe take curious bites out of a lumenflower cutting. The taste isn’t unpleasant, just incomparable to anything else in Teyvat.

Inazuma characters, especially Kazuha, are absolutely fascinated by the Rakuyo (and maybe a little jealous). So graceful is M!C with her strange weapon, so easily she wields it on the battlefield. Every blacksmith in Teyvat hears the words ‘trick weapon’ and takes it as a challenge. Many come close, but none can truly replicate the genuine articles. May they never have a true need for beast-slaying weapons.

Imposter AU? With one of Bloodborne’s toughest bosses? Laughable. RIP anyone stupid enough to try. And if there’s a fake Creator pulling the strings? Not after a quick visceral attack, there isn’t. M!C pulls a blood blade to cut down the imposter’s guards (she notices the stars in her blood that weren’t there before) and the imposter receives the most satisfying visceral ever. 

Up to this point M!C put no stock in the ‘god’ thing. All she sees is mad cult, led by a petty and jealous brat on a power trip. But then she sees the stars in her blood, hears the voice of Teyvat itself, puts two and two together and just… laughs hysterically, because this whole situation is patently ridiculous. Byrgenwerth and the Healing Church failed in their quests for ascension, their heinous crimes being all for naught. Now here she is, thrown headfirst into unwanted ‘godhood’ and getting hunted by her supposed worshipers. Oh, how the tables have turned. 

Once people see the cosmos reflected in M!C’s blood, they fall over each other trying to apologize. Since she’s reached negative patience for everyone’s bullshit, she ignores them and fucks off to the Nightmare. After coming into Teyvat, M!C gained the power to enter and exit the Nightmare at will. The Nightmare doesn’t bend to her will, but it doesn’t treat her as an intruder. The Silverbeasts and Winter Lanterns don’t bat an eye at her presence. She’s a true denizen of both the waking world and the world of dreams, now. 

That night, every soul in Teyvat has the same nightmare - the Celestial gods attempting to forcibly summon the Creator, only to have themselves snatched from Celestia and dragged into a hostile, eldritch world of unfamiliar mish-mashed environments. At every turn, it is full of nightmarish creatures out for their blood. One by one, all but a select portion of Celestials become beast food, with M!C protecting the final ones herself.

Celestia, responsible for planting the fake Creator, falls from the sky the next day, its grand architecture reduced to mere rubble that rains from the heavens. Found amongst these ruins are the mangled, blood-drained and half-eaten bodies of Celestial gods. Spears made of blood impale many of the bodies, spears that seem to have sprouted from inside the flesh. Those that still have intact faces bear identical looks of horror. They find The Sustainer of Heavenly Principles in literal pieces - crushed and torn apart by hands that must have been the size of a grown man.

New stars and constellations appear in the night sky, as the illusion created by Celestia slowly fades. The curse placed on the people of Khaenriah gradually dissipates as well - the hillichurl tribes withdraw from the world, content to leave it alone. Every day, the curse lifts a little more from the people of Khaenriah; one day, Dainslief, Pierro and all the rest will finally be able to die. 

In Celestia’s place rises a second moon - a snow-white harvest moon, always full, large and visible even when clouds blanket the sky.

The Archons try to follow M!C into the Nightmare, but like Celestia, they get their shit wrecked by the denizens of the Frontier. The Archons don’t die for real, they’re just permanently cut off from the Nightmare. It takes Nahida, with dream powers of her own + Traveler and Wanderer in tow, to reach M!C and convince her to give the people of Teyvat a second chance. Nahida succeeds because she has the sense to treat M!C as a person, not some untouchable idol.

Sumeru is warm and welcoming, nothing like Yharnam or Cainhurst. M!C has fond memories from her time as a Byrgenwerth scholar, and the Akademiya feels like home. Sumeru becomes M!C’s preferred nation by default, to the pride of the locals and the despair of everyone else.

M!C has trouble wrapping her head around how mundane Teyvat’s supposed ‘gods’ are. Elemental powers or not, these Archons are too human to be divine; the only divinity M!C knows is eldritch, alien, far beyond mortal comprehension. The Traveler is fractionally closer to true godhood than any Archon. But then, just as the Great Ones were beyond human comprehension, so too are humans beyond the understanding of the Great Ones - perhaps it’s better for humans to have human gods.

Speaking of gods, M!C and Nahida bond over their dream-related powers. If this is before the climax of the Sumeru quest line, the Akademiya gets real quiet, especially when M!C publicly points out how asinine their logic is (she was closely associated with Byrgenwerth and Laurence, she knows their kind all too well). For all of his failures, all the disastrous consequences, Vicar Laurence at least had genuinely good intentions; these fools only care about themselves and preserving their own power. Scaramouche, Azar, the traitorous Sages - selfish, ignorant children all, meddling with forces they only pretend to understand. Crushing them herself is merciful compared to the other outcomes.

Through tactical manipulation of dream worlds, M!C busts Nahida out of baby jail long before Traveler and co. have to, and the Akademiya goes into panic mode because the Creator herself is coming for them. Traveler and co.’s plans turn instead to finding the hidden laboratory under Sumeru City - the combined power of dreams horrifically distorts the battlefield around the Shouki no Kami, even after his defeat. M!C doesn’t kill Azar after the fact, but she doesn’t let him go into exile empty-handed... because she cuts off his hands. Cyno is too unsettled to laugh.

Scaramouche resents her for her part in ruining his apotheosis (and because the Creator didn’t do shit for him in his tragically long life) but as the Wanderer, he and M!C bond over a shared disgust for the Second Fatui Harbinger.

And speaking of the Fatui... Well, they try to recruit her to the cause, and she has this to say:

“I’ll not serve your organization while any part of Dottore yet lives. For too many years, I stood by and did nothing while so-called ‘doctors’ brutalized the innocent and vulnerable for their supposed research, their dreams of godhood and divine revelation. Never again. If your leaders possess a shred of self-preservation between themselves, then perish the thought this instant.”

Fatui agent(s): ...

They don’t give up, of course. The less friendly ‘recruiters’ get sent back to Snezhnaya in pieces. The only Fatuus M!C tolerates is Tartaglia, because aside from being the Traveler’s friend, he’s a decent punching bag/sparring partner. She finds his Foul Legacy transformation cute, like a kitten baring its teeth at a lion.

Related idea: M!C meets Dottore’s remaining segment, and after everything she’s heard (let’s say from Collei and Wanderer, maybe Nahida too) she barely lets him get two words in before cutting his head clean off. Will this affect Dottore in the long run? Probably not. Does it make her feel better? Yes, actually. Collei certainly isn’t upset by the news. Wanderer is, only because he feels M!C was too merciful. She lets him dismember the segment so they can stuff it in a box and send it back to the Doctor as a warning.

If a scourge of beasts were to descend on Teyvat, probably because of Dottore M!C would lead the defense. This is not a war that mortals alone can fight, she insists. By her orders, every available god (herself included), adeptus, dragon, and most of the older allogenes are on the front lines, staving off the worst of the horde. Pyro users are in high demand, for the beasts fear them the most. In lieu of blood ministration, the various healers of Teyvat are working ‘round-the-clock. An entirely new crop of Vision-wielding healers spring up, because Teyvat’s top god herself unconsciously wills them into existence. Because M!C would never make use of the Old Blood, not after seeing and experiencing its effects firsthand. The burden of being a capital-H Hunter, the sweet, intoxicating call of blood - M!C remembers Byrgenwerth’s sacred adage, and she has learned from the mistakes of Vicar Laurence. Yharnam was merely the latest in a cycle of destruction, all because of the Old Blood. She will not doom Teyvat to suffer the same fate.

[blackberrybuds]

mini essay about tsutsujio tamemichi & the use of dr. kan's hands as a metaphor for rape

ive been thinking a lot about tsu and kan recently so i wanted to dump some thoughts lol. cw for things involved with their stories like medical trauma and sexual assault and such

i think tsu is a masterclass in writing a metaphorical rape scene. i know that he genuinely faced sexual assault by kan, but i wanna focus on the idea that his heart surgery was a metaphorical rape in and of itself.

for background, during tsu's first year working at KFTI, he got in an altercation with dr. kan that lead to dr. kan beating him so badly he broke four bones, including his pelvis and almost every bone in his arm. we're told that he needed a lot of recovery time, and that during this recovery time, dr. kan pulled him for an experiment that involved performing open heart surgery on him.

we're told that the anaesthesia used was localized and not general, meaning he was awake for the surgery. we're told it was for the expressed purpose of seeing how he would mentally cope with the experience of being awake for something like that. that's the background we're going with. we then see how that affects tsutsujio and how he describes it.

tsu has chronic arrhythmia and heart palpitations. when he gets worked up, his body starts shutting down, which makes him panic and makes the entire thing worse. every day hes having these little spirals where he thinks hes gonna die. this is why he refuses to leave the office and head to OMS - he's afraid that if he does, he'll have an episode that requires kan's intervention, and kan won't be there to save him.

we also see him describe the process in a very specific way: the use of kan's hands.

[416276122/ Dr. Tsutsujio] Actually no im pretty sure nobody here understands me at all because I keep getting stupid fucking advice and critique from people who havent had his hands in their open fucking chest

he says that nobody can understand how he feels because they haven't had kan's hands in their chest. kan's hands are inside his body. his wording here is very important, because it's going to come up again in this thread, and then again further in the future. for now, let's focus on how it comes up in this thread.

[416276122/ Dr. Tsutsujio] I feel like his hands are on my shoulders all the time [416276122/ Dr. Tsutsujio] I feel like no matter what I do or where i go his hands are always on my shoulders [416276122/ Dr. Tsutsujio] I feel like if i look down im just going to have handprints all over me [416276122/ Dr. Tsutsujio] I dont know why he makes me feel like that [416276122/ Dr. Tsutsujio] I cant leave because his hands are always on my shoulders and i cant ever be comfortable because his hands are always on my shoulders and nobody cares or questions it because oh its not that big of a deal its just his hands on my shoulders [416276122/ Dr. Tsutsujio] my body feels wrong how the hell am i supposed to just live like that forever i dont want to [434334633/ Dr. Suga] You feel violated. [416276122/ Dr. Tsutsujio] Right like i do but like fucking why should i [416276122/ Dr. Tsutsujio] God this is so stupid why do i always sound so stupid [416276122/ Dr. Tsutsujio] I just dont want his fucking hands in my body he fucking hurt me

he describes kan as always having his hands on his shoulders. he describes this as a feeling that's incredibly distressing, and says that nobody questions it because it seems so innocuous - just a hand on his shoulders. suga points out that he feels violated, and tsu agrees, but can't explain why. he then describes the feeling in a much more visceral way - "I just dont want his fucking hands in my body".

the language tsu uses alludes to much more than surgery. this isnt how people describe surgery in a normal context. the idea of someone putting their hands inside of your body holds connotations that feel much more intimate than medical. the descriptions of being covered in handprints corroborate this - he's not talking about medical feelings. he's talking about feelings of having his body violated, feelings that are intimately tied to the idea of sexual assault. this is further emphasized by the presence of his conversation partner - suga.

suga is the absolute picture of sexual violation within staffside. the way suga is described is the picture perfect image of purity. he was young and naive and eager to help. he was almost ethereally beautiful. he was pretty and weak and vulnerable. he was a virgin. the interesting framing device in tetro is that we don't learn any of this until after we've known him for some time. when we're introduced to suga, he's sick and vomiting and exhausted and on the brink of death. we meet him as his story is nearing its climax. only a short while after meeting him, he's put under anaesthesia and raped by dr. kan. this became one of our first central plot points of staffside.

suga's entire arc is about the trauma of sexual assault and how it eventually kills him, for all intents and purposes. we follow him as he's completely devoured by his trauma and his feelings of utter violation. pairing him with tsu in this scene is meant to show the connection between the two. staffside is drawing a comparison between suga's experience and tsu's experience. you're meant to associate them. they both feel horribly violated.

and then we find out that tsutsujio was molested during a medical exam.

it would be easy to take this information and write off the metaphorical rape that was tsu's surgery. it would be easy to dismiss it as no longer important or relevant now that we know tsu was genuinely molested and not just metaphorically assaulted. however, if anything, i think tsu's recount of being molested actually serves to greatly strengthen the connections between his surgery and the idea of rape. let's look again at how he describes the assault.

[416276122/ Dr. Tsutsujio] Again seriously its not that serious its not like what happened to Suga [416276122/ Dr. Tsutsujio] Stuff with his hands I guess [416276122/ Dr. Tsutsujio] Which again is stupid because obviously the Suga thing is worse so please dont get hung up on this like seriously

another mention of kan's hands. he describes his molestation as something that took place with kan's hands.

[416276122/ Dr. Tsutsujio] And it was just one time and it was just with hands like it not like that

his hands again. tsu's focus often comes back to kan's hands. it's the only way he describes his molestation in any capacity. we don't get any details beyond the fact that it was done with kan's hands. kan's hands themselves in this case are portrayed as a weapon of assault. the hands that molested him are the hands he claims to be constantly all over his body and on his shoulders and inside his chest. the connections drawn between the use of kan's hands for sexual assault and the use of kan's hands for tsu's surgery are incredibly clear and further drive home the point of tsu's surgery being used as a metaphor for rape.

let's take a look at other mentions of kan's hands in similar contexts. this is the first time we ever get a mention of kan's hands.

[840070420/ Dr. Tatematsu] Out of curiosity, was it DURING that event that you told her you were getting handsy with her husband? Before? After?

tatematsu uses very specific phrasing to describe the sexual relationship between kan and seki. she refers to kan assaulting him as getting handsy.

[154314147/ Dr. Toranosuke] Hence why I'm reaching out to you two! I'd like to borrow Minase. [796285914/ Dr. Hattori] Me? [840070420/ Dr. Tatematsu] Absolutely out of the question. Keep your grubby hands in your own department.

kan claims to want to "borrow" minase. minase is someone kan has expressed lust for in the past - he's pretty, he's blonde, he's got the same borderline ethereal beauty that kan assigns to suga. when he says he wants to borrow minase, tatematsu tells him to keep his grubby hands in his own department. another mention of kan's hands.

[155402844/ Monomoko] He has other methods as well. Ones you might be familiar with by now. Dr. Kan is at his most content when others are entirely reliant on his hands.

this is one of the more prominent uses of the metaphor of dr. kan's hands. monomoko doesn't just say kan needs people to be entirely reliant on him; she says he needs them to be entirely reliant on his hands. his hands are almost given a sense of being their own character in the way people describe them. consider the people we know are reliant on kan to survive: tsutsujio, seki, suga, genki and zenjaku. if he didn't care for tsu's heart, tsu would die. if he didn't medicate seki, seki would die. if he didn't continue to care for suga through his coma, suga would die. i have no idea what he does for genki, but we've been told that without his support, genki would die as well. if he didn't provide zenjaku with the BMS box, he would die. every single person reliant on kan for survival is someone he has sexually assaulted. tsutsujio is the only one of the four who wasn't outright raped, which is where his surgical metaphor becomes even more prominent. it acts as a rape. it feels like rape. to him, it is rape. and here, we see monomoko describing these four people he has raped as entirely reliant on his hands. its another association between kan's hands and rape.

now, we get into the most blatant evidence for the idea that kans hands represent rape.

WHERE KAN. KAN KAN KAN KAN. i kNOW iT wAs HIM. HE LOOKED AT HER, HE DID. WITH HIS. HIS GROSS HANDS!!! HE DOES THINGS!!! HE DOES THINGS TO THINGS!!! hE. HE TOOk her, I KNOW HE DID. WHERE IS SHE?!?! wHERE IS SHE?!?!?! DID HE - NO!!! no. he WOULDN’T - wOULDN’T HE?!?!??!?!? OH GOD!!!!!!! WHERE SHES COLD!!! SHE’S COLD AND I CAN’T FIND HER!!!!!!! HE HAS HER I KNOW IT!!! I KNoW IT. HE TOUCHES EVERYTHING AND HE RUINS EVERYTHING AND NOW SHE’S GONE. hER FuR. HER fur…soft, soFT, and NOW SHE’S GONE!!!!! SHE’S GONE!!! HE TOOK HER. WHY. WHY. WHY?!?! WHY?!?!?!?!?!! WHERE HES HURTING HER. I KNOW HE IS. hES - hE'S DOING THINGS TO HER!!! THINGS. HE DOES THINGS AND SHE’S GONE AND I CAN’T STOP IT!!!!!!! hIS HANDS. hIS FILTHY HANDS. ON HER!!! ON HER!!! I CAN HEAR HER CRYING. sHE’S CRYING. SHE’S CRYING AND I CAN’T STOP IT!!! OH GOD I CAN’T STOP IT!!! WHERE wHy. why hE DO THIS. Why HE. tOUCH eVERYTHING THATS MINE!!! hE ALWAYS TAKES MY THINGS, ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS!!!! hIS EYES. HIS EYES WERE LOOKING. ALWAYS LOOKING!!! I CANT. i CAN’T DO THIS. WHERE IS SHE. WHERE IS SHE. WHERE It’s darK. sHE’S nEVER QuiEt. ShE’S never THIS QUIET. He MUFFLED HER, I KNOW HE DID. he DOESNT WANT ME TO HEAR HER CRYING!!!!!!! BUT I CAN. I CAN HEAR HER ANYWAY!!! hE THINKS I CAN’T. BUT I CAN!!!!!!! HE DOESNT WANT HER TO BE MINE!!! BUT SHE’S MINE. MINE!!!!!!! WHERE wHEre IS shE. IS sHE SAFE?!?! IS SHE STILL SAFE???!?!?!? DID I LEAVE HER HERE?!?! WAS IT ME??? DID I DO THIS?!?! no. No. IT WASN’T ME. IT WAS KAN. IT’S ALWAYS KAN. IT’S ALWAYS HIM AND HIS HANDS AND HIS EYES AND HIS SMILE!!! HE TOOK HER. HE TOOK HER AND HE’S RUINING HER!!!!

the maru logs contain an incredibly chilling description of kan's hands used as a metaphor for rape once again. in my mind, this is one of the most nauseating depictions of kan's inflicted trauma in tetro. in the maru logs, we see the jumbled thoughts of nemoto genki depicted as a terminal. throughout the staffside story, we are repeatedly nudged towards the fact that during genki's deterioration, he was raped by kan. it's something that many people seem to understand and that genki himself seems to still carry the pain of even after losing his memory.

here we see genki in a state of extreme distress after dr. kan took away his comfort item as a form of sadistic punishment - a stuffed sheep. sheep and lambs have extremely strong connotations when it comes to symbolism - they're purity, innocence, gentleness and youth. we see that literally ripped away from genki by kan's hands, and genki immediately begins to violently spiral into hysterics.

kan taking the sheep is, in my opinion, a direct metaphor for rape once again. he is literally ripping a symbol of innocence away from genki, and genki reacts accordingly. he completely melts down, insisting that kan is "doing things" to this symbol of his innocence, and that he's ruining her with his gross, filthy hands. "it's always him and his hands". another case of dr. kan's hands being treated as a separate concept to himself. his hands are a weapon, and we see genki completely lose it as kan uses that weapon to rip away his innocence once again. this isn't a connection that the reader needs to force - it's incredibly clear. genki reacts to this as if it was a rape. he cries about violation and filth and ruining. genki seems to go as far as genuinely thinking that kan would violate the sheep itself - directly violating the symbol of his innocence and purity. directly raping his innocence. he reacts with appropriate horror and distress. kan's hands are once again used in this disgusting, violating context.

but kan's hands continue to come up.

Hibari visibly tensed and vocalized his pain throughout the process, but Kan appeared unfazed. He made several inappropriate comments, including, “You should appreciate that I’m being hands-on. Many would leave you to suffer with less care.”

kan describes himself as being hands-on with zenjaku, and says zenjaku should appreciate it. kan has repeatedly stressed a perverse interest in zenjaku and his body up to this point, and would later go on to physically rape him during a moment alone. having this treatment associated with kan being "hands-on" is another glowing example of the metaphor of his hands.

i think tetro is incredibly effective at not only depicting kan's hands themselves as a metaphor for rape and violation, but then also successfully executing an incredibly poignant metaphor for rape in the form of tsutsujio's surgery. kan's hands are rape. by putting them into tsu's body, he violated him and left him with a trauma that tsu describes in an extremely intimate context. anyone affected by kan's hands is violated, because kan's hands represent violation.

im not sure how much more of this we'll get in the future but i just wanted to get my thoughts out - let me know if you see any other interesting examples of this in staffside or let me know if you disagree completely and think im reading way too far into this LMAO. i just wanna hear peoples thoughts

[stupidlittlespirit]

Can you give me more examples of Alex disliking Ford? I’ve always kinda felt it, but I never really had much of a real grasp on it.

Okay so this is the part where I look crazy because I can't give you specific examples LMAO but I'll try to explain what I mean. It's more in what he doesn't say than what he does.

Alex doesn't ever come right out and state 'I hate Ford', but he implies his distaste for him through his treatment of him. The way he hasn't gone harder/more explicit on drawing lines about Ford's abuse, or talking about how Ford suffered terribly during the time he was alone, for example. The way he blames Ford inherently for a lot of stuff that Ford, while not blameless, isn't fully at fault for. It's little things, and I'll detail them below.

TW below: Abuse, discussions of victimhood and irl consequences.

He extends more sympathy to other characters whereas Ford is sort of an afterthought. I don't actually think Alex has fleshed Ford out very well in his own head. Remember when he said that he didn't even know that Bill was going to be the main villain? They were flying by the seat of their pants for a lot of the series and it's quite clear in some elements. Obviously, the series is wonderful, I love it, it's one of my favourite shows of all time and Alex is a true talent, but it's obvious which characters are more important to him. He favours Bill a lot, too, so when his disliking of Ford/being ambivalent about him meets his enjoyment of Bill, only one of those dogs is coming out of the fight alive and it ain't Ford.

I think Alex is a genuine talent, I admire his work and his writing. He seems lovely. But I do also think he lacks in skill when it comes to complex abuse depictions.

I see a running theme that he isn't very good at portraying it specifically via 'unlikeable' characters. I mentioned on a previous post that he did this with Pacifica until people expressed empathy with her, and then he decided to round her out. He stated that himself during an old interview; I can't source it but I remember it vividly because it flagged red in my head that he couldn't see she was just a product of her environment. She's a twelve year old girl, for god's sake, she isn't 'just a horrible person', it makes a person sound like Bill when they beef with kids like that lol.

Another thing is in TBoB, there's a really horrendous page where Ford is tortured. It is visceral and awful, and tbh I wish I'd have been able to ask Alex what his top 5 horror movies were when I saw his talk because the scene is very reminiscent of a lot of my fav horrors.

But anyway, it is literal torture and it is also communicating about how helpless Ford is. He's a victim and a 'weak one' at that. Nothing he can do will stop Bill's abuse, he's stupid for trying, he's pathetic, he deserves it.

Now, that is a take I see with Ford a lot. He deserves it. He's asking for it. And it's a really upsetting one. It's also a common narrative told by people who blame victims for the abuse they suffered.

Not once have I ever seen Alex defend Ford. Not once have I ever heard him say 'Ford didn't deserve this', 'Ford suffered as much as Stan'. Not once.

Considering that he said he took 'inspiration' from his friend's 'toxic' relationships (I also think this is a strange and slightly perverse thing to do btw), I would have thought he might feel more strongly about pushing away this narrative about victims deserving their treatment.

I, obviously, also don't know for sure that he did take inspo from friends; he could well be describing his own experiences and just not feel comfortable saying so because men do suffer a different kind of stigma around being abused. That's fine, he doesn't have to out himself or anything, that would be horrible. But it's just the way he reacts to fans and speaks about the victim (Ford) that makes me think he's a bit more removed from this specific experience than it being personal.

There are many types of abuse. Ford's experience is familial, relationship-wise (platonic, because nothing about his relationship with Bill is romantic in the most basic sense of the term, if anything you can liken that side of things to sexual abuse) and personal. Ford then abuses himself as a reaction to outside abuse. Not his fault, again, but it does happen and it's a common thing for victims to do. I did.

Ford does nothing but suffer.

I truly don't believe that if you loved and cared for your character, you would be willing to watch your audience tear them apart like that after they had already been through so much and were not actually a villain themselves.

Especially if you had, or knew other people who had, experience with that kind of abuse. He doesn't let it happen to Stan, he came down hard on people when they did it to Dipper, and to Mabel, too.

It would kill me to let my OCs be bastardised like that by an audience and I'd be damned if I did a disservice to victims everywhere over something like this.

I think his lack of care is displayed in his treatment of Ford, as opposed to him outright saying he doesn't like him.

I also understand that this analysis also comes from a deeply personal point of view and my own experience with this topic, too.

This is a TV show, it isn't real and I don't need to take it so seriously, but what I do take seriously is seeing the real world reactions of other people. That does hurt. It hurts to see someone who is (very inelegantly and heavy-handedly, btw) depicted as a victim of abuse be laughed at and made into a joke, or flipped on their head and made to be romanticised with their abuser just to make a ship happen.

Fiction doesn't need to be taken seriously except when the lines begin to blur over into real life. We know people are cruel to irl victims and we can see where these lines blur quite obviously.

I think abuse and uncomfortable topics should be depicted, but I also think that as a creator, if you use them, you have a HUGE responsibility to teach and guide your audience into understanding why these things are bad/what makes them so. You shouldn't make jokes about the topic or encourage other people to go off the rails with it.

You can't control people, of course you can't, but you can hold their hand a bit and show them towards the light. If they choose not to follow it then they're probably not bright enough to pick up what you're putting down and that's on them, but you have to try.

Maybe if I hadn't (and my friends and other victims hadn't) been subjected to exactly the same reaction, we wouldn't feel so strongly about this, but it really does feel like a kick in the teeth to see a large number of people behave so grotesquely about abuse.

And just as an aside: I am a victim, I have been/am an unlikeable one, but it does not mean that I deserved what I got and that goes the same for every other 'unlikeable' victim out there.

*deep breath* but other than that I'm totally normal about Ford and not at all mentally ill :)

[oddeyes588]

A little late to the party but I do have some thoughts about Fantasy High Junior Year now that it's over. First of all, overall? Great season, had lots of laughs... but man, is it just me, or were there a lot of parts in this season that just... were kind of annoying? For me specifically, two big things... and no, I'm not talking about the Rat Grinders. While I'm a little disappointed with how that ended, I'm not too bothered.

Like, idk if this is a hot take or not, because they were arguably the biggest parts of this season... but I found myself especially annoyed and/or disappointed about K2 and Porter.

Like, don't get me wrong, I thought K2 was funny—especially at first—and Porter being the main villain of the season was 100% for the bit and I can respect that... but man, I couldn't help but be disappointed with Porter going full irredeemably evil, as well as just straight-up annoyed by K2's existence (at least in regards to the story. gameplaywise, making a homunculus of their cleric was VERY smart) (oh god if K2 exists in our world now she might come after me. dont forget me).

In regards to Porter... he was for sure an ass, he caused Gorgug a lot of grief with the MCAT, but he also had such a really sweet moment with him when that thing finally got signed?? It was very, like, not a perfect teacher but someone who did have his best interests in mind, paired with a really nice message about how it's alright to get mad. It was an important part of Gorgug's character growth this season! Integral to unlocking his Barbificer subclass!

...and then all of that just gets thrown away because turns out Porter was evil the whole time and this was all just leading up to his big master plan of killing a god and becoming a god of war. He was never offering genuine advice, he never cared about Gorgug or had his best interests in mind, he thought Gorgug's fascination with Artificing was stupid... and now he's dead. The End.

And that just feels... really disappointing, honestly. He was a chill guy, and yeah he had no right to bar Gorgug from pursuing what he wants and force him to take so many years of school in a single year, but it also resulted in some serious growth on Gorgug's part! It was great! Him being Evil The Whole Time felt... almost like a character assassination, honestly.

And then... there's K2...

I'm gonna be real here. I don't care if using a homunculus and shit for multiple divine intervention rolls is how it actually works in the rulebooks, and I know that objectively having more rolls is always better, especially when the stakes are high... and especially considering that Ally was not getting the rolls they needed otherwise.

This was hilarious. It was also supremely annoying, because it just fully took away from any big moment Kristen could've had this season regarding her and Cassandra after her creation... and this happened TWICE.

Like, from a storytelling perspective, I feel Brennan's pain viscerally. These episodes were truly such an experience for me, because on one hand, I was laughing at the sheer comedy of it all... but there was another part of my brain thinking this truly, truly sucked.

Kristen was figuring out her devotion to Cassandra, finding an understanding in what her role as Cassandra's cleric is... and right at the end of the season all of that kind of comes to a halt because in the end K2 did the divine interventions.

...Well, at least that still leaves some room for whatever Kristen will have to deal with in Senior year. Unlike Porter, who is dead and gone and we're definitely not bringing him back.

[terraco-07]

HSBC direction and character writing

So the team has released the writer's commentary early to the public most likely because they know how inflammatory the last update is/has been and wanted to get the reasoning behind it out there. Going to be going through it piece by piece here. Disclaimer: None of my opinions and thoughts are directed at the people as individuals and any criticism is directed at the writing itself. With that said, lets start off. Haven saying “this is the update where we’re gonna see if people are really rockin’ with us or not.” Lmao yep and I can assure you that I'm not one of them. I think we're seeing the end results though of a years bleeding fandom here though. Most people who enjoyed Homestuck either didn't read the epilogues or HS2 because they knew it was something they wouldn't like and didn't care for the direction of taking away the kids victory and giving them some new battle to fight while hurting each character. Those remaining are primarily people who are curious, neutral, or liked the official releases after Homestuck ended. Among them I'm sure a fair amount have liked this because this is already a work catered to them and what they want for better or worse. Anyways, moving on. So the next part just goes over everyone liking Yiffy and her getting a voice and all that, not much to comment on here. Which is a non issue except still making Rose and Jade call their kid a type of porn and keeping that was such a choice, but hey silly candy timeline right? Okay moving on to the conversation that matters. Okay starting with Floral: "Kanaya has long earned this confrontation and she’s not going to accept anything less than the truth." JAMES: This is the funniest line in Homestuck. This is so fucking funny because she gets cut off half way through and then the you fucked my wife being memed to hell in back both took any bite out of it and visibly made me cringe to read. Kanaya is mad here but there are other ways to write it. Would have loved to see a rant about "If you loved me so much Jade why would you betray my trust? Why would you not speak to me. Now you choose to spit in my face like this?" Etc etc. I may genuinely re-write every Kanaya part in this log at some point. I did do an alt version already but that's neither here nor there. Compliments for the art which deserve it! BUT FOR THE LOVE OF GOD STOP GOING "Pretty art" AND EXCUSE BAD WRITING. I've had to read "I'm just using it as a picture book" and "I skipped through the logs" way too fucking much. JAMES: This one was for the sapphics. The most important demographic that exists. ... saying this while obliterating the biggest endgame sapphic romance? But hey guys!! Kanaya's hot right? This makes it all better :) Especially considering compared to Homestuck proper the epilogues and HS2 have just felt actively hostile towards sapphics FLORAL: This scene is also only one small part of the larger puzzle, bridging between what already existed in HS2 to what we want to do deeper into HS:BC. A puzzle that most of us aren't going to want to figure out. The question of if something is bad for the first 500-1000 pages is it worth consuming will always be no. Also points of expanding the border of Homestuck 1 BUT WE NEVER GET TO SEE THIS. I'm going to hit more on this later but Rose specifically there's so little or no direct foundational build up to her current character choices.

MILES: Yeah, seriously.  I felt viscerally going in that it was really important that Kanaya get some time to just be a stone cold bitch, both in the context of this particular marital fuck-up and in general.  She deserves it. So I'm on my hands and knees begging you guys to learn how to write badass powerful women that doesn't involve them just getting angry because their wife cheated. Hands and fucking knees. This goes for any writing in general but if you have to develop a character through purely negative experiences I'm not sure you should be writing. This whole entire scenario with Rosemary is such a cheap drama soap opera point to begin with (like a lot of HS2). Why can't we let Kanaya be her own fucking person and have shit going on, do something in the war, get to have moments like this in relation to Jane.

FLORAL:  Was so excited for this panel when we were first outlining the update. I had a lot of feelings about how we should move forward from the initial Yiffy reveal, but justification for these narrative choices only matter inside of the text itself, and this is only a tip of a much larger iceberg.

That said, what has always appealed to me the most about Candy in Beyond Canon is that it’s an opportunity to explore alt. selves to the max and start finding the missing “Meat” to Candy’s unbalanced and unsatisfying narrative. The irony for me on this is it was written about the fucking Jojo ass posing Rose which is in my opinion the worst panel in the update. Rose being turned into a comical villain for the sole reason of shaking things up in Candy. Justifications in the text is a great way of putting it and before this we had very very little. The idea of telling us afterwards well it was all apart of the grand plan when barely any time ago we have Rose thanking John for how happy she was to have her life the way it is here. Rose suddenly going ahh apathy my true love and going from a loveable and complex character to this flat cardboard cut out is the biggest crime of this update. The I knew you would forgive me part too. Just. GIRL HOW?? Rose Lalonde who first lost her seer powers in Candy, second the same girl who couldn't even see her friends all dying and her failing in game over. This girl? She saw 15 YEARS INTO THE FUTURE and knew Kanaya would just get it. Roll over like a good wife and be okay. I didn't know she was a seer of time now? This is the worst line in the entire update simply because it implies that Rose has gone off the deep end in the least interesting way and is now an unreliable narrator or that Kanaya is actually going to forgive her and holy fuck that would be the actual worst way to take this. Not beating the NTR kink allegations HS2 writers. Also spoiler alert it's unsatisfying because everyone in it gets fucked over by writing choices as baseless and useless as these. You're perpetuating the problem.

HAVEN: The world hasn't felt real to Rose since she was 16, this life is like a game to her. For her, a war is just “something to do.” Also man while this was a route that I didn't like for the epilogues either there are so many other ways to handle this than the one chosen. But that would require a rewrite from the start of HS2 which already put on this shit show. I still wholeheartedly believe that none of the things listed here justify Rose's behavior to Kanaya. As the one anchor point she's had her entire adult life. FLORAL: It’s a little sad that even during a Rosemary moment, it's never really about Rosemary, huh? Then later- "There really needed to be a joke here, too, to sell the emotional drop the next page brings" Kettle, meet pot. Whatever could be the cause for nothing ever being about them and the pair being relegated to background bullshit? Who's to say indeed. But hey! They're at the forefront now, and only for the most basic and cheap drama ways. Also I loathe this mentality about there needing to be a joke. You're clearly writing this for adults at this point a joke isn't required a real look at the situation is. The gag at the end where the convo gets ended is enough to break the tension for the reader.

FLORAL: There’s catalyst events, sure, but ask a few questions and it becomes apparent everything rides on the history of smaller fights, disappointment, sweeped away passive aggressions, miscommunication and unsaid hurt feelings.

This is why writing characters in their 40’s is great and why there is so much to do in Candy. Behind all the patented Homestuck misdirection and narrative unreliability, you’re left with an offshoot full of alternate selves at their lowest, layered in apathy and evidently not saying what they think Once again we aren't shown this. We just get told about it later and that's incredibly unsatisfying as a reader. Explaining it further down the line and doing more justification later does not help this either. I think also the idea that everyone in their middle aged years is jaded and apathetic is such a lame ass direction to go in. The idea that no one is allowed to be happy after everything they went through in the game is still one of the most frustrating things. I'm asking anyone why would someone want to read that? Why do you think the fandom imploded after this and that the people left mostly enjoy either soap opera trauma or torture porn (which HS2 is both)

like sitting down with a highschool friend you lost touch with 20 years ago and have only known about through concerning Facebook posts. So we're fully aware of the problem and just going this is a feature. Got it. So the commentary ends there and I'm just kind of left feeling as hollow and empty as before. I have zero faith that we can dig into any of these characters in a meaningful way but especially the more complicated women. This reads as coming back to them 20 years later so we can write them how we want or how we envisioned them without having to come up with in text validation. Reminds me of late season Game of Thrones writing. Guys how we got here is important. Anyways in summary HS2 remains a dour, unfun read of characters going through a perpetual state of torture and emotional suffering while we forever get told "Wait but there's more!" But hey. Happy Rosemary, glad they won that poll. Maybe the little thing James is going to do for the fandom is just kill them off to save them from this torment. As a writer myself it's just painful to read and I want to re-write it all times

[segretecose]

Ok, Taskmaster UK tier list. Go

excluding: pre-Series 7 (because it has been ages since i've seen them and i honestly do not remember); Champion of Champions; New Years Treat

(*) indicates the series that i have watched multiple times and/or more recently.

S16*: possibly dictated by recency bias but i genuinely enjoyed this series more than any other i think. it usually takes me a couple of episodes to warm up to the cast but i was immediately sucked in this time. not a single normal person in sight and Sam Campbell is a special brand of insane that i resonate with on a worryingly deep and personal level.

S7*: watching James Acaster get genuinely angry over futile things is one of life's greatest pleasures if you ask me and my god does this series deliver on that front. this cast exists somewhere between found family and deranged Lord of the Flies remake in a way that i find irresistible.

S10: nearly ex aequo with S13 but the fact that this was filmed during the pandemic gives it an underlying hysterical quality that makes it take the cake. the outtakes (especially the "Little Trumper" part) are possibly the hardest i've ever laughed while watching this programme.

S13*: the way the cast interact in the studio really gives this series some extra oomph. i can't quite put my finger on it but the vibe is sort of like Fellowship of the Ring except they all die the second they set foot outside of Rivendell. besides, Greg Davies being genuinely scared of Bridget Christie will never not be hilarious to me.

S11*: very close to S10 and S13 but i have a primal dislike of Lee Mack that means i personally can't fully enjoy these episodes. there are still some excellently cursed moments (e.g., "absolute casserole") to be enjoyed. i had a weird crush on Mike Wozniak for months after watching this. it was humiliating but it bumps it up in the ranking.

S9: i've only watched it once back when it aired and maybe it would rank higher if i did watch it again. Ed Gamble's actual visceral rage at David Baddiel during that one studio task is legendary, i wish we got more of that. unfortunately i can't remember much else.

S14: as deducible from this list one of my favourite Taskmaster tropes is Contestant Who Desperately Wants to Do Well being teamed up and hindered by Inept Contestant(s) and the Dara O'Briain - Fern Brady - John Kearns partnership is a shining example of that. ranks low(er) only because i feel like the tasks themselves weren't terribly memorable.

S12: similarly to S9, i feel like i need to revisit this one to form fair judgment but i don't think i ever really clicked with the cast. i liked the contestants individually but perhaps their interaction was hampered by the social distancing measures. i remember it was enjoyable but that's about it.

S8: another example of one cast member souring the overall experience for me. i didn't love Lou Sanders in this and i just can't be objective about it. Joe Thomas had some good moments i think.

S15: even though it's the second most recent series i can't remember much from it. nothing against the contestants but unfortunately i think something did not work and the comparison to S16 makes it look even more lacklustre in hindsight.

[gumjester]

I think about the conversation Raven and Apple have right before legacy day, just the two of them, in their dorm, almost everyday. Like, way too often. I can't stop thinking about it. Such a visceral, character defining moment for the both of them. Like genuinely masterful I feel sick the more I think about the meticulous choice of words, each of the girls' mannerisms, the way the entire situation escalated. How they both lay down their entire histories and beliefs for the other to see, desperate to come to some sort of understanding, for things to not be as horrible and ruptured as they seem, and the catharsis and horror each of them experience, as they realize the fact that- they can't both be happy. The world isn't kind enough for that. It isn't gracious enough. That for one of them to find happiness and fulfillment, it would cost the other everything.

What the ufkc what hyeeh fuck God what yheh fuck

Such a profound and powerful fucking moment, man....... GOD. SUCH A POWERFUL DISPLAY OF YOUR UNDERSTANDING OF THESE CHARACTERS. I SWEAR TO FUCKIGN GOD WHAT A BALANCED AND WELL THOUGHT OUT VIEW OF RAVEN AND APPLE. BRAVO GUMJESTER. SERIOUSLY MY NUMBER ONE FAVORITE SCENE IN RIR. CANNOT GET ENOUGH OF IT. I FEEL SICK.

THIS IS AN INSANE THING TO POINT OUT AS YOUR FAVOURITE SCENE BECAUSE I REALLY DID HIT THAT HARLAN ELLISON GRIND AND WROTE THE ENTIRE CHAPTER IN ONE NIGHT IN A GUEST ROOM IN DEVON. I'M HAPPY IT PAID OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT'S SO GOOD TO READ YOUR WORDS OKLO. YOU GET IT LIKE NO ONE ELSE GETS IT

nd this analysis had me GAGGED u distilled the atmosphere and theme and conflict so well U GALAXY BRAIN!!!!!!!! I COULD NOT HAVE SAID IT BETTER MYSELF [I REALLY COULDN'T HAVE

[xproskeith]

can you tell i'm bored-

please answer those. i also drew a ghost for you. because i'm bored. i'm gonna answer my asks too lmao HAVE FUN!

Lmao ok but I actually love this. The you wrote it out AND the ghost! Tis the season!! 👻🎃 Now let's begin!

11: best friend?

My best friend is awesome! His name is Ben and we've been friends since we met at college for our first degrees (we'd both end up going back for nursing later. He ended up following me on that front). But we really started to get closer after we both graduated and especially after I moved back to New Orleans after moving home after graduation for a year and a half. He's just a really cool and chill guy who has always been there for me and been super supportive. We've both helped each other through some really rough times in our lives and really supported each other. He's pretty introverted, tho if you met him you might not realize that at first. It's a hilarious contrast to my extreme extroversion. I also owe meeting my wife to him. He pushed me to finally get on the dating apps and I met my wife on hinge. He also encouraged me when she and I started talking and dating seriously. He also knows how to deal with my anxiety very well and respectfully, tho my anxiety has gotten immensely better than it used to be. Still, worth mentioning. He's also said on multiple occasions how much he appreciates and like how I am just unapologetically me and an unapologetic nerd. To quote him, "genuine folks are hard to find." So that was also really cool to hear from him and just reaffirmed that being myself is the right move. When he lived in the city with me, we'd hang out at least once a week. But we text daily for the most part and still try to see each other as much as we can even tho he's 2.5hrs away now. He was my best man and gave an amazing and touching best man speech. Now, almost a year later, people still talk about it and quote him, "IDK how else to describe him other than he's aggressively friendly." it's accurate and everyone who has heard that agrees lol. Anyway, he's great and I'm blessed to have him in my life. Here's a pic of us at my bachelor trip and before my wedding. As you can see, and as I've mentioned before in various other posts, the dude is built like a Greek god lol

15: favorite movie

This is actually a hard one lol. I enjoy a lot of movies, but have a hard time narrowing down a fave. Hmm. Deadpool and Wolverine is certainly up there for very obvious reasons, but a movie that has always stuck with me since I was younger is The Prestige. It's a well done film whose twist really got me at the end. It's rare for me not to figure out a movie twist before the end and this one I did not see coming.

18: most traumatic experience 

You're gonna get 2 for the price of 1 lol. 1 childhood trauma and 1 adulthood trauma. Both cover a span of time instead of one specific incident.

First is childhood. From pretty much 1st - 4th grade, I was bullied pretty often. I was a very big and fat kid who was also nice and didn't exactly fight back, so I suppose in retrospect that made me an easy target. But beyond that, I was often made the butts of my peers' jokes or would be asked to do something silly or embarrass or the like and they'd say stuff like "of course we're you're friend!" and "if you do it, we'll be your friend." so this went as well as you can expect. It got so bad and took so much of a toll on me that my mom literally pulled me out of school to homeschool me from 5th-8th grade. This would eventually become repressed as the mind often does only to rear its ugly head later in adulthood when my friends wanted to institute a "punishment" for whoever placed last in our fantasy football league. I had always opposed this idea, but they we were really pushing for it that year. Didn't help I was dead last, but I was having such a visceral reaction and didn't know why. But I was literally about to drop out of the league because of it. Then all of a sudden the memories came flooding back and I finally understood the why. I explained it to 3 of my friends in the league, including the guy in charge, and they abandoned the punishment idea. They said they hoped they knew that this was very different and that no ill will was meant. I did, but it didn't stop how I felt. So the punishment idea was dropped.

Now for adulthood. That would be working through COVID as a nurse. This was traumatizing in many ways, but in particular there were 3 key points. The first was watching patients deteriorate and die so rapidly. Like I would leave in the morning and come back to find out my patient coded and died 3 hours after I left. They were fine before then. We also called so many rapid and codes because people would deteriorate so much and so rapidly. Despite everything I knew and docs and nurses way more experienced than me knew, we couldn't save them all or stop the rapid spiral.

Secondly, every time a code blue or rapid response is called overhead, it's preceeded by a beep on the intercom. I would hear that so many times during that time that I found myself to physically flinch and tense and my heart would race whenever I'd hear it. Even a year later when it was just happening to make an announcement. Didn't realize it was legitimately a PTSD response until I was talking to an army buddy who was like "Yeah dude that's what happens to me when my PTSD gets triggered." I overcome that by becoming the code and rapid nurse for my icu when I moved. So I just threw myself headlong into it and overcame it by exposure and desensitization.

Lastly, there was the whiplash of being called a hero and having my knowledge and insight respected only to be called a liar months later. By my own family even. I still remember making a lengthy thoughtful post about the importance of making and explaining why surgical works for day to day vs the n95 masks needed in hospital and the same day my mom made a post about how covid is a lie and masking is just the government trying to control us. My family has on multiple occasions told me my experiences weren't real and I was exaggerating, especially because I'm liberal. After many fights, we all finally agreed to just never talk about it around each other. An uneasy peace, but better.

So there you have it. My two biggest traumatic experiences lol.

21: what I love most about myself

My kindness and willingness to help people

28: a description of the person I dislike the most

Hmm I don't really dislike people. But I suppose this one older lady at work. Kind of short, white, fading blonde hair that's always short. She's always unhappy lol. Mostly dislike her bc she gatekeeps certain patients and has full control over the schedule despite not being the manager.

42: last thing I ate

Greek yogurt and pumpkin seed granola

[phuljari]

a think piece on how arnav singh raizada realised his feelings for khushi

of course, it would have been discussed numerous times before, we all know what happened and when it happened. i'm thinking more along the lines of why it happened this way. why did it take him so long to realise that these visceral reactions he has over her did not really stem from a place of hate, that hate was just a byproduct, a reaction, because he didn't realise what his emotions meant.

that it was altogether a new feeling, to be so consumed with thoughts of someone (whom you supposedly dislike). he tried so hard to run from those feelings, misdirecting them to hatred, disgust, apathy and what not. it was new— an unknown feeling that made him uncomfortable. i think in a way this echoes what i said earlier too, that arnav never really believed in love. which is why it took him ages to figure out why the hell he was so obsessed with someone who shouldn't even matter to him. i think what he hates the most about feeling attracted to khushi (aside from the fact that he never imagined himself with a girl like her? ie. see how he berates her: status, class, money, god-fearing etc) is the way she makes him feel— weak. and that's the feeling this man has rarely, if ever, felt for anyone outside his family.

also, elaborating on the statement that arnav didn't believe in love (even though no one asked for it lol), it is imperative to add that he has seen love exist, only barely, with nana-nani or whatever stories he heard about them and between mama and mamiji. but what else did he also see? that his dad cheated on his mom. that anjali's first wedding got broken off. and even though anjali was relatively happy with shyam— it wasn't a relationship he had experienced in his childhood, which is generally the time when your experiences shape you the most. so maybe he believed that love exists, to some degree, but not the whole unfiltered ~i would die for you~ love. remember how he convinced mamiji to accept payal? with the 'raizada' reputation? so he hadn't really experienced the best examples of love either.

unlike popular belief that arnav never felt deserving of love, i think that he never completely believed in it. especially not for a man like him who has to be careful around every turn because everyone around him is expecting to benefit from him. remember, this man is hella confident, and believes completely in himself (almost to the point of narcissism, esp in the early ipk days) and his ego is justified, afterall he did do a lot by himself and he's not bluffing about any of it. this man doesn't doubt himself, he could have anything he wanted. even love— that lavanya was willing to give him. but he doesn't believe in his ability to love, not after what he had seen with his parents.

which is exactly why this new confusing feeling, these obsessive thoughts about khushi, the way he felt weak and defeated in front of her was so absurd for him that he couldn't even realise that he was attracted to her. (with her, he has realised his ability to love, to want someone so desperately.) but instead he kept challenging her in order to make her feel weak and defeated. projecting much, sir?

and to be fair, arnav has mostly been a man of his words— truthful. if he said he didn't believe in love before he experienced it with khushi, it means he genuinely didn't. anyway, that's my take.

i have so much more to talk about this man!! for example how his diabetes is literally a metaphor because he can't have 'sweet' things in life?? 'sweet' here literally meaning happiness! happiness translation: khushi. and having diabetes compliments his character so well too? like he was cruel, cold-hearted and bitter (esp about his past, that he never could overcome) and so it aligned pretty well with khushi's 'meetha khaiye meetha boliye' kyuki arnav ko toh meetha bolna hi nahi aata! usse toh meetha mana hai na!

if you're still reading, thanks for sticking around lol

[necronatural]

Here's my review of the ANN Ryoko Kui interview

No one asked but the visceral reaction people had was just so funny I'd like to have some clarity in how I view it from my personal perspective

-An opener to get to know Ryoko Kui personally that whiffed hard because the manga did not come from the mind of someone who likes to cook and experiment with food

-A question about Ryoko Kui's favourite dish. As she had such an empty answer for the previous question and many had heard of Ryoko Kui's picky eating this question is like a slow motion train wreck. It was popular to talk about but most people still wouldn't have heard about the picky eating thing so this is a good thing to have in an article

-The only truly, intrinsically unforgivable question: "OBVIOUSLY you like TTRPGs". Ryoko Kui will not stop fucking talking about CRPGs. The main party was conceived of as a Wizardry OC party. She constantly absolutely nonstop makes references to Wizardry. I'm going to get a headache that there was a possibility of asking her if she has ever played Fallout 1 and the interview is just so uneducated on her creative influences that this opportunity slipped through their fingers. This question makes me want to microwave my own eyeballs so I don't have to watch someone whiff this bad

-Baldur's Gate 3 isn't going to save that. I can't believe the followup question wasn't about CRPGs. Does the interviewer know what a CRPG is? I genuinely have to ask

-Pretty good softball question about worldbuilding.

-Tapping into the most interesting aspect of the main character by asking about personal influences in crafting such a person

-The follow-up about the idea of a 'perfect monster' really feeds into her "I made it up" perspective of her worldbuilding and more of her personal influences. It paints a picture of her process that I find really similar to my own and that's neat :)

-This is like, the most artisanal fucking question about disability and identification you could POSSIBLY do and I'm not kidding. Lead with the scene that caused the most discussion. Refer to the readers who relate to this deeply autistic experience in their fight. Ask if this resonance was on purpose. Circle back to the Laois-Toshiro conflict, the real root of the interaction. I think it's like...the west, specifically the US, has this really bizarre individuality and fascination with tidy little boxes to fit into, so it's incredibly disarming for a lot of people that she like...answered the main question. Laios is written as a relatable, accessible character. Those autistic experiences you mentioned hindered his ability to interact with Shuro, but Shuro was hindered from engaging with Laios by his own burdens. She talks about this inability to weigh each other's circumstances causing strife. Which is pretty straightforward! But people wanted the validation of the little box. Doomed question but not a whiff

-The Laios question was so well-crafted and meticulously designed to communicate to Kui why the question about the fight left such an impact, but the Senshi one is like the TTRPG one; just assuming shit of her that is obviously not the case. If I wrote this I would comment on the dichotomy between Senshi's very obviously silly and non-erotic panty shots and the incredible care she puts into illustrating him as handsome and cool (i.e. that chapter cover) in serious moments. It is a miracle of fucking god this whiff ended with us obtaining such a funny and direct answer and Kui found the influence interesting to bring it into the interview but it's still awful form to ask this

-WHY WOULD YOU FOLLOW UP ON THAT. LET IT GO

-The question about Marcille's outfit is really neat! I think it's cool to get confirmation on its roots, and the mother/baby influences really make you think

-Mediocre question about farcille. Again, there wasn't a lot of care put into this and the shipping seems more important than curiosity about how she views the intensity of her own writing. This question did not whiff & gave us something interesting but you really can't help but be annoyed when you're more interested in why she wrote them that way and not if Kui blesses your OTP

-Ending it on the Izutsumi question ties into the interview also ending I like the pacing of it and leaves me thoughtful and reminiscing on the series. Good one

FINAL SCORE

It was simply mid. 💔

[eye-of-yelough]

Gortash being a highly intense person but with eerie, almost inhuman levels of self control is so interesting to me. and by interesting I mean terrifying. Like i think his genuine smile or - God Forbid - his genuine laugh would provoke a visceral fear response in the average person.

I think Aeryn sees his real smile several times but the laugh only once, when Gortash is carving his name into Aeryn’s neck. Like i think that whole thing is. maybe not a religious experience for Gortash but it’s pretty close. makes him feel emotions indescribable and with an intensity he’s never felt before and doesn’t again (until Aeryn carves out his - his - heart and hands it to him before they die in each others arms in the Astral Prism :))

but yeah just thinking about that whole scene like. goddd i WISH i had the brainpower to write it but it would be so difficult cos Aeryn’s Fully Brainwashed by Gortash at that point so it’s. weird. and i don’t know how to start lmao. so lemme just say it’s the first time Aeryn feels Gortash shake against him. maybe his voice even wavers. not from nervousness, just pure adrenaline.

which i think is why i’m so hesitant to make that the first (and if i did, the only, knowing my lack of energy) fic i write about them because they’re e both being so out-of-character in it? like i don’t want that to be the main association people have with them. i don’t know.

[stupidlittlespirit]

hiiiii soulbond returns to spread the degeneracy— ford having a sub preference/being sub leaning means SO much to me. it’s the TRUST of it all that gets me. imagine having someone who has so thoroughly and honestly had their trust thrown like a blade into their face, has throughly paid the price for that simple action — only to choose to trust you anyways? though it takes hard work and effort on your part, he’s still capable of giving it. to be trusted by ford is an HONOR, especially if allowed to see him so vulnerable like that, and you bet damn well I’d be doing everything in my power to convince him I’m worthy of that trust…. god it could be so healing for him, especially if he’s praised like he’s clearly dying for.

but on the topic of spores — now I’m wondering….. did ford have…. any idea of his praise kink? or was it a completely overwhelming learning experience where ford is just internally going oh fuck I actually really like being told how well I’m doing

THIS IS IT SOULBOND YOU GET IT!!!!!!!! YOU FUCKIN GET ITTTTT

Ford is so, so hard to build trust with and he's almost impossible to get close to, and that's what makes the achievement so fucking huge. He'll be eating out of your hand if you just know the right way to soothe his worries and help him come out of his shell a bit, he'll be wrapped around your finger and absolutely at your mercy because he knows you won't abuse the monumental trust he's investing into you.

RE: Spores.... I think he probably had an inkling that he liked it, he just wasn't aware of how much. Ford will have always been conscious of the fact that he enjoys merit and recognition, even when he denies that he does, and I don't doubt that he's gotten himself off to the thought of receiving accolades or awards etc etc in the past. He's just never had a partner give it to him for genuine reasons and in such a visceral, explicit scenario. It's the combination that makes the difference, I think.

[majorasnightmare]

Hellooo for the character asks, Lae'zel 2, Shadowheart 5, and Minthara 123 please and thank you!!

GET HEART BLASTED BWAH

i was fighting for my LIFE on this cuz my body decided to viscerally betray me. thankfully not even god himself could stop me from talking about my mentally ill lil freak

Lae'zel:

2. How did your character handle Lae’zel’s interrogation of the tiefling scout at the druid grove?

Dirge's brain is still reloading by the time he does the interrogation, so he's pretty hands off when Lae'zel does her thing. He mostly just backs her up as she questions Zorru, and leaves him there bowing. He DOES correct Lae'zels pronounciation on tiefling and Faerun after though.

Shadowheart:

5. Did your character influence Shadowheart into staying loyal to or rejecting Shar? How did this affect their relationship with her?

Unfortunately Shar isn't nearly as cool as Shadowheart makes her out to be, so Dirge's opinion on Shar is pretty negative. But its mostly Shar-the-deity and less the values Shar professes to hold (she mostly seems to be petty and spiteful more than an actual deity), so any Sharran iconography Dirge finds he tosses Shadowhearts way. Loyalty has to be earned, even by gods, and protecting Shadowheart mildly from the shadow curse is NOT enough to be worth her service, in Dirge's opinion. Murder, cannibalism, sacrificing heretics, seeking power, capturing the god spawn of your deities sworn and eternal rival and sacrificing them on an altar, all of thats perfectly fine to Dirge and he doesn't have a problem with any of it, but is Shar worth it? Is Shar worthy of having Shadowheart? Absofuckinlutely not. Shadowheart isn't getting nearly enough back out of this deal, and Dirge is VERY vocal on that front. Dirge mostly encourages Shadowheart to think of herself and what she wants, and to avoid reflexively sacrificing things important to her without evaluating what they mean to her first. Rejecting Shar is basically a side effect.

They've always been close since the nautiloid, but Dirge's unwavering confidence in her ability and worth even after she rejects Shar and is punished by her goes a long way towards helping Shadowheart rebuild her life and self worth.

Minthara:

1. What motivated your character to initially spare or side with Minthara, then later rescue her from Moonrise Tower?

Puppy love LMAO. Minthara wants to probe his mind in the Goblin Camp, and given that Dirge had just killed Guts not that long ago for exactly that, he doesn't let her in to avoid starting a fight he hadn't satisfactorily prepared for, which makes Minthara try to dig into him. The subsequent battle of wills even starts to approach being mutually enjoyable, both of them finding a real genuine challenge for the first time in ages, and through that exchange Dirge gets a glimpse of the person Minthara COULD be without the Absolute. Someone ruthless, and cunning, with a steeled will, yes, but also someone almost... playful? Its such a brief glimpse that Dirge can't see much of anything through it but it tantalizes him endlessly, and the thought of condemning someone to a half life as an enthralled shell of themselves just to kill them while they're essentually sleepwalking disquiets him in a way he struggles to verbalize. It sticks out in his mind because its the first time he experiences an active desire to keep someone alive, so he does what he can to draw the goblins into a controlled conflict to ensure both a figurative smokescreen for his actions (no one will question him for trying to isolate the Goblin Commander) and a literal one (in the chaos of combat, theyre less likely to notice Minthara's only been knocked unconscious instead of killed, as opposed to a stealth op in the camp where it would be. Blatantly obvious he was pulling punches. He can also discreetly move her away from the conflict in case anyone checks the bodies, but thats resolved p quickly when the tieflings want to leave immediately lmao. Hes a selfish person who acts according to his whims, and at the end of the day, he had a chance encounter that made him care for Minthara, but the same could not be said for Dror Ragzlin or Guts. Those two barely occupied a single spared thought, whereas Minthara lives in his head rent free. He genuinely never thought he'd see her again, and tried to content himself with the knowledge she'd be alive somewhere out there, and that maybe once he got the tadpole out he could try and find her just to... catch up? Talk to her? He didn't really plan it out all too well, because he had a lot on his plate.

Seeing her again at Moonrise felt like a confluence of Fate. Absolute be damned, his uttermost top priority was saving Minthara and if that meant playing nice, he'd do it, and if it meant carving a bloody path from the dungeon back to camp, he'd do that too. In that instant, she's the only thing that matters, because by some miracle, the only person hes ever wanted to spare is here in front of him, and against all odds he finally, FINALLY, has a chance to talk to the person he caught a fleeting glimpse of in the Goblin Camp, the person who utterly charmed and bewitched him with the faintest echo of hidden depths obscured by the Absolute's machinations. She's here and she's alive and she needs help, and there is not a single question or doubt in his mind about it. Dirge walks straight out of that throne room directly to the dungeons. Its around that time that anyone in the party still considering trying to tie Dirge down kind of gives up, cuz honestly. Look at the guy. He's down bad.

2. How did your character feel about Minthara’s opinions on the gods?

Minthara is ever cautious of making enemies, and thus keeps her disdain for the gods at a healthy distance, where she won't be caught in the blast radius. Dirge understands, but feels its a bit TOO risk averse. He toes the line on blasphemy all the time, after all. Hes exceptionally confident in the abilities of himself and his comrades to handle threats, and the gods ability to directly intervene on the material plane is limited after all.

The biggest difference of opinion there was on the matter of Bhaal. Minthara was of the opinion that Bhaal was better as an ally than as an enemy, and represented Dirge's best hope of mastering the Urges, and Dirge didn't really have a way of convincing her otherwise. It isn't something easily intuitive, especially when your used to the capricious manipulations of Lolth. Bhaal is a far cry from the Webweaver, and is more spiteful than sensible, and there is no position of favor you can occupy that will keep you safe from his temper. Its a hard lesson to learn.

3. Did your character help Minthara get her revenge on Orin, or handle Orin alone?

Orin insists on a personal duel with Dirge, spawn to spawn, Chosen to Chosen. Minthara supports it because she wants Dirge to reclaim his inherited power, but the temple conflict is an absolute clusterfuck. Bhaal chews up and spits out his Chosen at the first hint of second thoughts, and then forces Dirge to choose whether or not to put himself in the same position, before brutally torturing and killing him when Dirge refuses to become Bhaal's puppet again. Minthara is forced to flee with the rest of the party as Caiphon fulfills its pact and destroys the temple, and is left utterly haunted by it all. Theres no closure for anyone here. Minthara doesn't get to enact revenge on Orin, Dirge doesn't get to break Orin away from Bhaal, because Bhaal chose to take that from both of them, and then kills Dirge on top of it all. Its an awful, terrible experience, that drives home just how awful petty and cruel the gods can be, even to their most faithful worshippers.

I really enjoy Minthara's post Orin-capture dialogue and I want to include it in her characterization, even though Orin can't kidnap your romanced companion. I think that entire shitshow and seeing Dirge try to pull Orin out of the deathspiral shes in, only for Bhaal to force the Slayer onto her, in combination with discussions they'd had earlier, would be enough for Minthara to really see the similarities between her position and Orin's and finally understand the exact kind of god Bhaal makes himself to be. There really is no winning there.

As much as Dirge loves Orin, Minthara's vengeance is her own and Dirge would never wish to take that from her. Whatever life he could give Orin is Minthara's to take, and he won't involve himself in that unless invoked. But he hates that he couldn't help Minthara close that chapter of her life in a way that gave her peace. He hates that he couldn't fight Orin on her own terms, for her own reasons. That, instead, they fought to the death in a home they both hated for a father that loved neither of them. Just one more thing Bhaal took from all of them.