#Gays eat poop theory

[justmewondering56]

[oversizebuttonup]

I can confirm. This is REAL!!!! My child recently was hospitalized for eating too much dirt ( which is GOOD for the immune system) but unfortunately this dirt had human feces in it because my Hubby prefers to shit outdoors ( natural way. ) and my child accidentally ate the dirt near Hubby’s designated poop spot (hole in backyard) even though I have told him he should ONLY be eating the dirt in the preapproved dirt pile which I created for him!

I took my child to the hospital after days of illness. I was giving him vitamin C supplements but it did not cure him which I found disturbing.

At hospital they told me my child would need to stay overnight (kidnapping?) and that he was in ‘critical condition’ and had ecoli (impossible we have never been to chipotle)….

“Critical” condition? As soon as I head this I heard Alarm Bells inside of my head and inside my heart (where Jesus Christ also resides) … critical condition = critical race theory….

I looked into my child’s hospital room and he was asleep with a giant IV bag hooked up to him… my darling child never sleeps like this I could tell something was wrong … IV bag likely filled with COVID vaccine… the nurse who was tending to him was Male…

This was in 2019. It is now 2023 my child is a college student and he has recently told me he is Gay. I believe that the gay man nurse gave him a woke IV drip. The woke agenda is all about symbols and the male nurse assuredly put woke juice in my babie’s IV and that is why he thinks he is gay now.

I knew in my heart something was wrong the minute they told me he was in “critical condition” which obviously was part of the woke agenda because now he is learning critical race theory at his communist college (Umass Lowell).

I told him he only thinks he is gay because he was treated by a male nurse when he was in a coma (vulnerable to hypnotism) and he now will not speak to me…. the woke left has taken my son away from me because they infected him with the woke virus and it has been dormant until now. My son told me I was being crazy and that he was gay before the dirt eating. (Yes he told me before the dirt that he was gay but I knew it was just a phase so I did not think anything of it)

PLEASE LIKE and SHARE !!! Other people must know what has happened to me and my family. This would never have happened if. Not for Obama and for Hilary Clinton. I am only thankful they did not kidnap my baby and harvest his Adrenocrhome, but I know it was a close call.

Please PRAY FOR MY SON so that he will see the light again and speak to again. Hubby is so upset about this he has started pooping inside again and now I have to clean his poops off the floor every morning…. Biden is driving our county into the ground !

Is this true?

[lindsaywesker]

Good morning! I hope you slept well and feel rested? Currently sitting at my desk, in my study, attired only in my blue towelling robe, enjoying my first cuppa of the day. Welcome to Too Much Information Tuesday.

Stephen King's son is called Joe King.

Stressed men prefer big butts. (Stress-free men too!)

Only 28% of people know when they're being flirted with.

Men who vape are more likely to suffer from erectile dysfunction.

The Merchant of Venice is the only Shakespeare play to mention Mexico.

In 2019 there were still 17 US States where it was legal to fire someone for being gay.

The revolving door was invented by a man who hated holding doors open for women.

Cutting people from your life does not mean you hate them, it simply means, you respect yourself.

Not only do mosquitoes bite you and suck your blood, but they also urinate on you before flying off.

The scrotum water frog of Lake Titicaca is on the verge of extinction due to its use as an aphrodisiac.

In March 2014, an Australian Python swallowed a chihuahua and found itself chained to a kennel.

‘Mr. Brightside’ by The Killers was the first 2000s song by a group to surpass one billion streams on Spotify.

According to astronomy, when you wish upon a star, you're actually a few million years late. That star is dead. Just like your dreams.

In 2021, an invisible sculpture was sold for $18,030. Artist Salvatore Garau says his work should, “activate the power of the imagination.”

Charles Darwin thought the menstrual cycle was evidence that early humans lived by the sea and synchronised their lives with the tides.

After King Charles II's wife is said to have caught him picking flowers to give to another woman, there have been no formal flower beds in Green Park since 1660.

In 2017, a Boston man got revenge on his high school bully by sleeping with his mum after he saw her profile on Tinder and hooked up with her for a one night stand.

As we get older, we often feel music used to be so much better because of the 'reminiscence bump', a preference for songs that were popular during our formative years.

Carrie Fisher, who played Princess Leia, and James Earl Jones, who provided the voice for Darth Vader in Star Wars in 1977, met for the first time on a 2014 episode of The Big Bang Theory.

In 1995, a man named Sonny Graham received the transplanted heart of a suicide victim. He then married the donor's wife and later killed himself, in the exact same manner as the donor did.

In 2004, Gary Webb, the California reporter who first broke the story of CIA involvement in the cocaine trade, was found dead with two gunshot wounds to the head. His death was ruled as “suicide”.

Joe Metheny, the infamous serial killer from Baltimore, not only cooked his victims to eat himself, but he also made burgers with their remains and sold them to unsuspecting customers from a roadside food stand.

The marine biologist Joel Hedgpeth was the founder and sole member of the Society for the Prevention of Progress. He rejected all membership applications because “growth in members would represent progress.”

In 1969, Salvador Dalí, the Surrealist painter, gave a derelict castle to his Russian-born wife, Gala, as a present. She welcomed his generosity but also set rules for her new home in Púbol, a village in Catalonia. He could only visit if she sent him written permission.

In 2013, the town of Brunete, Spain instituted a new program to make dog owners pick up after their pooches. They recruited volunteers to watch for anyone leaving poop on the streets, and then mailed it back to the dog's owners.

Eric Idle rang George Harrison when they couldn’t find the money to get ‘The Life Of Brian’ made. George said “Well, when The Beatles were breaking up, Python kept me sane really, so I owe you one.” As a thank you, George was given a cameo as Mr Papadopoulos.

A new drug similar to Viagra can now be sold in pharmacies in the UK without prescription. Cialis, an erectile dysfunction drug will now be sold over the counter in UK pharmacies like Boots, after it was deemed to be safe to take without consulting a doctor or getting a prescription. The pills can last up to 36 hours!!

England is seeing record high levels of gonorrhoea and syphilis sexually transmitted infections, new figures reveal. People are being urged to practice safe sex to protect themselves and get tested if they may be at risk. There were 82,592 cases of gonorrhoea in 2022 - up 50% on the 54,661 recorded the year before, the UK Health Security Agency says. Syphilis cases increased by 15% from 7,543 to 8,692.

Okay, that’s enough information for one day. Have a tremendous and tumultuous Tuesday! I love you all.

[squash1]

incorrect trc quotes as things my friends and family have actually said (gansey edition)

gansey (watching the trailer for brokeback mountain): “well, everyone likes a gay cowboy!”

gansey: “do you think a wolf would eat a bobcat or a bobcat would eat a wolf? i really want to know what you think about this.”

gansey: "i sometimes use a ruler to measure another ruler." blue: "…how do you know which one is right?" gansey: "well that makes you very uncomfortable, now doesn't it?"

gansey: “i have been awake for 16 minutes. i am as alert as a sharp knife.”

gansey: “a banana split is only good in theory. kind of like communism.”

adam: "gansey, no one wants to hear about pooping in space." gansey: "i beg to differ, it's one of the top stories on the guardian. it’s called the space poop challenge."

gansey: “i wasn’t going to say hi to them, because i was thinking, ‘oh i gotta get home to finish reading percy jackson,’ but then i did anyway.”

gansey: “i don’t remember how to make a paper boat because i folded the paper that told me how to make a boat into a paper boat.”

gansey: "text back, ‘H-A-N-D.’" ronan: "hand? you just spelled the word hand." gansey: "no, it’s supposed to mean, ‘have a nice day.’”

[ijustwantdumpling]

Modaozushi Fanfic Recommendation.

Since I can’t get enough of this novel, might as well pampering/hurting my self more with an outstanding fanfic/canon divergence of this great book. Even the live action and the anime version still nor gonna stop me from these beautiful handmade story by all the fans of Modaozushi.

This recommendation will be focusing on our WangXian couple

 1.Cure by Yukirin_Snow 

Description : It was meant to be a consult, simple, quick, to tell the family and patient that there wasn’t much he could do. Even after all the other doctors, the tests, the treatments, and the huge stack of documentation on his desk that told him this poor patient could only remain comfortable until his final moments.

So how had it ended up like this?

(It was well written and you could see how well researched this fanfic is. I Spent my night in tears reading this beautiful fanfic. tips : prepare some tissue and we gonna go on emotional roller coaster.)

status : Multi-chaptered / Completed

2. SanRen by Kyogre

Description : Leaving YunmengJiang in an effort to curb the tensions in the Jiang family, Wei WuXian becomes a rogue cultivator.Even without the support of a sect, he is a rare genius whose name will become known across the cultivation world and whose techniques will influence the course of a war.However, what influences his own fate is a chance meeting that becomes the first step toward love.

(a canon divergence, but at least everyone alive here.)

status : Multi-Chaptered / Completed

3. My Immortal by Jaywalker_Holmes

Description : Wei WuXian had thought his troubles had ended after the mess with Jin GuangYao was sorted out, and that he would spend the rest of his life happily with his beloved Lan Zhan, double cultivating and rebuilding his golden core. However, fate had other plans. Mo XuanYu's frail body could not contain his increasing power, and an inevitable cultivation accident occurs, sending Wei WuXian to his six-year old body, just before Jiang FengMian found him. Will the YiLing Patriarch have a happier life this time around?Inspired by Evanescence's song, which will be reflected in the chapter titles.

(A time travel series! there’s a heavenly beast and everyone is alive and thriving also what I really love the most is soft hearted madam Yu and a creepy/psycho wen ruohan who’s everyone number onecenemies but at least he didn’t die so we could actually know what was he’s motivation actually is or.. just him being psycho)

status : Multi-Chaptered / Completed

4. Loneliness Knows My Name by  Jaywalker_Holmes , Treef

Description :  AU after the First Siege of Burial Mounds. Wei WuXian didn't die, instead he was saved by someone everyone thought was already dead - Wen Ruohan. However, no one knows this (since Wen Ruohan is apparently great at faking deaths), so the cultivation world rejoices even as Lan WangJi desperately searches for his Wei Ying and finds a little child instead. Wei WuXian, on the other hand... 

(well.. can you imagine Wen Ruohan became Wei Wuxian grandpa? this definitely change everything.)

status : Multi-Chaptered / Completed

5. Night of Sixth Magnitude Stars by Leffy

Description : Lan WangJi gave him a disapproving look as they left the classroom. “You can’t be late every time.”Wei WuXian walked with light steps, seemingly in a happy mood. “They can’t fault me if I want to spend more time with the only student who really listens to me.”Lan WangJi followed reluctantly, because Wei WuXian always made him follow, even when he was driving him crazy.

( A modern AU! at first I was hesitated because I was to used with the time setting in the novel but my hesitation was just a complete stupid waste of time because this fanfic definitely GOLD)

status : Multi-Chaptered /Completed 

6. Blink  by Menuridae

Description : “So on Saturday night, while you are having the time of your life on a date with your hot, hunky, handsome soulmate, I have to go on a date with a rich young master who sounds like a literal stick in the mud whilst pretending to be you?"Mo Xuanyu's family has set him up on a blind date with a rich young master after learning he is gay. However, he already has plans for that night. Instead of going on the date himself, Mo Xuanyu enlists Wei Wuxian to go as a substitute. Wei Wuxian must act like his best friend for the night before kindly turning down Mo Xuanyu's date.Only, Wei Wuxian finds out that turning down Mo Xuanyu's date is possibly the hardest thing he has had to do in a long time.

(single parent LWJ and we should thanks Mo Xaunyu for he is actually our savior)

status :Multi-Chaptered /Completed

7. the nights are long (but the years are shorter) by hyunbyun

Description :  Wei Ying and Lan Zhan come to terms with the fact that A-Yuan really is grown up.

(WangXian became a soft parent and somehow I pictured my parent actually felt the same in each year I grew up.)

status : Oneshot 

8. Ten miles of Lotus Flowers by Yukirin_Snow

Description : He was a mischievous fox spirit, wreaking havoc where he went, about to depart on a journey that would span centuries.He was a heavenly prince, a proud dragon destined to ascend the throne to become emperor.Neither expected their paths to collide over the span of three lives.

(A/B/O Dynamic and Mpreg. very well written and my heart broke most of the time thankyou very much but it’s happy ending tho)

status : Multi-Chaptered / Completed

9. Switched by Shorimochi 

Description : When an actor transmigrated into a fictional world, and a fictional character transmigrated into the real world.There are a lot of things Xiao Zhan could do - sing, dance, act, cook, draw - but not fighting cultivators, and definitely not summon an army of corpses! Most importantly, how can he handle being around Wang Yibo's fictional self when he knew the man had been fantasising about him since fifteen?Wei Wuxian swore just a few minutes ago he was still out there, destroying the Wens who had taken away his home, but when he opened his eyes he arrived at a dreamland where there are moving pictures, metal carriages, and people are so rich they poop in a beautiful white porcelain throne. Also, why does the Lan Zhan he saw smile so often and talk so much?

(LWJ reputation was definitely tainted! I laugh so much but this ff is actualy genius. let’s see how Xiao Zhan, a real life actor who played wei wuxian and who knew  better about how his character specially the story line trying to save that massive bundle of trouble)

status : Multi-Chaptered / Completed

10. Don't You Like Me (MDZS Edition) by Shorimochi 

Description : Wei Wuxian was just an ordinary teenager at Gusu Academy. He hung out with friends, break the rules at least once a day, and banter with his roommate, Lan Wangji at every opportunity he had.Life had been normal, until his grandfather passed away and left him an ancient relic that gave him the Yin eyes, causing him to be able to see and communicate with ghosts. Wei Wuxian was horrified to discover that everywhere around him, there were ghosts invading his space, even watching him shower! He wasn't able to sleep, eat, or study properly - until one day he accidentally touched Lan Wangji skin-to-skin, and the ghosts simply disappeared. Hmm?Wei Wuxian discovered that a simple brush of hands closed his Yin eyes for five minutes. A hug, fifteen minutes. Exchanging saliva? (Don't ask how)... Two hours. And so he began sticking close to Lan Wangji for as much and as long as he could.Until he got kabedon'ed by his roommate.LWJ: You try to touch me at every opportunity you have. You like me, don't you? WWX: ... (Unable to answer because of the curse of the seal) LWJ: I like you too. WWX: ??!Based on a novel of the same title.

(A modern AU, a have good laugh also wei wuxian was very meanie to our soft hearted lwj.)

status : Multi-Chaptered / Completed 

11. no other cloud compares to you by ectocosme

Description :  Divine beasts sometimes fall in love with humans. Half-divine beast most often than not. Dragons always. Wei Wuxian visits Cloud Recesses when he receives the first 'hail' of who will become his mate. At least, he is determined for them to become mates. But life does not flow as the river, it is a meandering stream easily disturbed.

(Wei Wuxian as a dragon! also wangji are just so stupid smh..)

status : Multi-Chaptered / Ongoing

12. Sky, Cloud and Lotus by Xantya24

Description :  Wei WuXian is an unruly omega that is mated to one of the Twin Jades of GusuLan, Lan WangJi an alpha. Till one day, they find out that Wei WuXian is pregnant. How will the new mated couple react to the news? It will be one hell of a ride. Raising kids is definitely different from raising buns buns. From morning sickness to weird cravings to mood swings to labor to sleepless nights. To new relationships being build to finding about love. Lots of angst and fluff also. Prepare for the feels.

status : Multi-Chaptered / Ongoing 

13. ShuangXiu by panda_desu

Description : Lan XiChen knows he must sound so stupid right now. He clears his throat. "I am sure this is something to expect from a married couple, but Wangji, I have to ask, how?"Lan WangJi looks impassively at Lan XiChen.

(mpreg but not abo dynamic but somehow it’s make sense! well at least for mdzs universe. love how the author deliver it and makes the theory acceptable so it’s not like wei ying getting pregnant out of nowhere. loved it!)

status : Multi-Chaptered / Completed 

14. MDZS drabbles by Demon_neko97

Description :  This is just a collection of the prompt requests I receive on Tumblr. (The prompt request is already closed.)

(collection of drabbles, fluffy, funny, perfect for times when you just want to keep it light and better mood)

status : Drables / Ongoing 

15. The Light That Fails to Dim by glowingreverie

Description : Wei Ying lost his parents in a night hunt. Cold and alone, he wandered the streets of Yiling for nearly two years. However, one fateful night, a tall, scary man finds him and takes him back to a place he calls Qinghe. Later Wei Ying, now known as Wei Wuxian, discovers that that tall, scary man is not bad at all. And his cowardly brother makes an even better friend than he initially thought he would. With a content feeling in his chest every day, Wei Wuxian can only hope these peaceful, happy days with his new family will last until the end of time.Or, in which Jiang Fengmian is unaware of what happened to Wei Wuxian's parents and Nie Mingjue takes him in and the story continues from there...

(things really get different over there and I might say this is a great one. I just love nie huaisang so much fight me) 

status : Multi-Chaptered / Completed

16.Misunderstood by Silver_Flame_2724 

Description : There is something called a memory ball, or Jiyi Qiu, that shows the memories of a chosen person.In order to further incriminate the already dead Yiling Patriarch, the cultivation world decides to use this memory ball at the next Discussion Conference to show how evil the demonic cultivator can truly be.What appears, though, truly shocks them all.

(a cried a river. heartbreaking but satisfied just to imagine those guilty faces) 

status : Multi-Chaptered /Ongoing

17. Jiang Cheng and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Wedding by hyunbyun

Description :  An outside perspective on modern! Lan Zhan’s and Wei Ying’s wedding through the eyes of local poor soul Jiang Cheng.

(Heartwarming, it literally bring smile to my face and this is just so good. you have to read this one) 

status :  Oneshot

18. Family - Mating Season by Laxruar

Description :  Fairy isn't a good dog.

(Laugh my ass out, literally!) 

19. Instagram Husband by hasu, ofishenod

Description :  Wei WuXian was on a mission to become Instagram Famous, so he did what he did best: dragged Lan WangJi (and many unwilling others) into his misadventures. Or, 5 times Wei WuXian had Lan WangJi take photos of him and 1 time Wei WuXian took a photo with Lan WangJi.

(if I don’t get the lan wangji for my wei wuxian, then what’s the meaning of this life?!)

status : Oneshot.

20. The Tale of Snow Wei by scrayjes

Description :  

 Snow Wei is a powerful warlock; The mage is as strong-willed as can be; The prince should watch his anger; The donkey should roam free.

(wei wuxian as a snow white? yes. )

status : Oneshot 

21. Response by  Aki_no_hikari

Description : What if Wei Wuxian hadn't been silent to Lan Wangji's Inquiry? Part 2: Featuring A-Yuan

(a-yuan T.T loving it!) 

status : Multi-Chaptered 

22. Some of You by Tangerinechar

Description : It can’t be that bad, he thinks. There’s no way he would have done that. But the doubt still lingers, turning into full-blown anxiety as he scrolls down his twitter feed, finally arriving on his latest tweet.

Lan WangJi ✔ @lan_wangjiSome of you have never fallen in love with a boy only for him to go missing after his parents die and pine away for three years waiting for him to come back, then continue to pine when he’s back after you realize you’re too scared to confess, and it shows.23,043 retweets | 73,328 likesLan Zhan’s face pales and he buries his head in his hands, letting his phone drop on the table.

This is bad.This is very, very bad.-Or, Lan Wangji gets drunk and tweets a love confession, Wei Wuxian panics, and all of twitter decides to matchmake Lan Wangji and his mystery guy.

(wei wuxian is that dense! smh) 

status : Multi-Chaptered / Completed

23. asymptotic by chinxe

Description : The members of the Lan Clan have never been particularly well-known for their good judgement when it comes to matters of the heart.Which is why it should come as a surprise to no one when Lan Wangji falls in love with an actual ghost.

(”wei ying is wei ying” lwj just so hopeless when it’s about wwx)

status : Multi-Chaptered / Completed

if you already read all of those fanfics above then congratulation! you’ve already going through a high level of mood changing, tear jerking, blood pulsing, head aching, tooth aching fluff and thousands more feelings! what a ride!. 

[softlygasping]

Tagged by @spacelesbiann

!!!!! I haven't been tagged in one of these in ages I wasn't sure if they were still even going around! Ty :)

1. are you named after anyone?

Nope!

2. when was the last time you cried?

A couple weeks ago when I messed up at work but I didnt know until after I got home and I felt super bad about it :(

3. do you have/want kids?

Hard no

4. do you use sarcasm a lot?

Not a whole lot, I'm always afraid if I use it w ppl who I dont know well they'll think I'm being mean. I typically only use sarcasm w ppl I know well

5. what’s the first thing you notice about people?

Where they are (location) so I can avoid them (does this count??)

6. what’s your eye colour?

Brown

7. scary movie or happy ending?

I haven't sent a whole lot of scary movies so I'll say happy ending

8. any special talents?

Uuuuuu does folding a fitted sheet count

9. where were you born?

Murica

10. what are your hobbies

I like to sew and crochet and read

11. do you have any pets?

Yes!!

This is Heidi Klum! She is so silly and likes to eat poop

This is Coco Chanel! Shes such a sweet girl and she doesnt like being outside when the grass is wet

12. what sports do you play/have you played?

In elementary school I played soccer but I hated it. I tried volleyball for a few months in middle school but quit that. I like to canoe/kayak tho and I lowkey want to try ice hockey but I know that's never gonna happen lol

13. how tall are you?

5'7" but I want to be taller

14. favourite subject in school?

Uuuuuuuh idk? I guess any of the media production classes considering that's my major. The theory classes are important but they're not that exciting

15. dream job?

.......I wanna help produce a canon gay sherlock Holmes for tv.......I legit changed my major for this.......😬

I tag @busylilbee @kieren-fucking-walker @okaythenlove @your-lord-koneko @kenshinsgirl84

[gospacegay]

Love Is For The Birds

The link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20333995

Jack was concerned. The Australian zoo keeper was genuinely flummoxed.

Matthew, the Canadian goose, was sulking in a corner of the shared pond, barely paddling about. He hadn't eaten in a while, over preening and being upset in general. The bird was barely considered exotic by Australian standards, but all the geese could perform. The massive bird display was tended to by two zoo keepers, mostly due to size. It was a mixed population by the gates, a hit with kids.

For seeds and bugs, the entire mixed flock was packed with performers. Ducks quacked and hopped. Swans flapped and sat near guests, gobbling up tasty food. Geese honked and splashed for attention. Everyone loved the interactive display.

Today one of three geese was not happy. Matthew only brooded and slowly starved.

A secondary caretaker for busier days, Elizabeth, walked over from another display. She was fiery fun just like Jack, a perfect fit to wrangle cranky animals. She had only been in Melbourne a few years, so her Hungarian accent was still entertainingly thick. “Jack, I have news on the goose.”

“What is it Liza?” He asked in curiosity, finally walking away from the enclosure.

“Matthew isn't sick.”

The news was relief. Jack smiled though not too hard, he still had a bandage on his face from a very vicious duck named Romano. “That's great news mate.”

“We have been coming up with theories in the vet's office. One of the stranger ones might be true this time.” She went on.

“Is it going to be expensive?” Oh Jack did not want to ask for more funds. He particularly liked his head being attached to his body.

“No. The girls think Matthew might be gay. He's been seen trying to court the male geese and swans on several occasions.”

Jack raised a brow in surprise. The idea had not come to him in the slightest, despite the fact that may bird species held same sex bonds. “How confident are you about this?”

The veteran bird keeper nodded, looking to her forlorn goose patient with seriousness. Matthew was still floating about, refusing to eat. “I'm certain. I've seen this in flamingos before. All classic signs of sexual frustration and loneliness.”

Jack grimaced at the thought of asking for more resources from his boss. It had to be done. Besides, if Matthew managed to get a boyfriend, publicity would be nuts. Jack had to at least try.

00000

Lars the Australian black swan paddled about his new environment. He seemed significantly calmer, a hissing biting monster in his carrier earlier. Against popular belief, swans were just as angry as any Canadian goose. Elizabeth still hurt from the many noisy nips the displaced bird delivered. Of course, there was concerns about the newcomer.

Lars was a rather small black swan. Matthew was a notably large Canadian goose, They were on par for size, but they weren't the right species at all. The swan had been a cheap attempt, a quick solution. It was donated from an animal sanctuary in Brisbane. Lars was a blatantly gay swan that had tried for love elsewhere with no success. One quarter of all black swans were typically gay part or full time. With the zoo budget stretched so thinly in the off season, there was little else to do.

The female zoo keeper looked on, praying the territorial birds didn't pluck each other senseless. An ill tempered Matthew approached the swan, miserable as ever. They both circled for a time, eyeing each other up. Finally their feathers settled. Both birds soon swam in peace.

Elizabeth dared to smile. Matthew was already waddling out of the water to approach zoo guests, his new playmate in tow.

00000

Jack was approached by the zoo director on another blazing summer day. It had been weeks now, and the once pitiful goose was now shiny and pleased. Director Kirkland approached, a busy man not afraid to wrangle with most critters. He perpetually resembled an old school safari guide, wearing four shades of khaki beige.

“I heard your bird exhibit is all straightened out.” The salty man greeted, wearing the barest hint of a smile. It was the happiest he was with human beings. Only the lion exhibit had earned his full affections, as he was an obsessed cat lover.

“Yes. They've been very cuddly, eating, swimming. Happy bird things, you can say.�� Jack confirmed between sips of his chilled water.

“Broody and fucking like rabbits I heard.” the other replied casually, not a smooth man for communications.

Jack gave a chuckle. It was the truth after all. Matthew was very determined to knock up Lars, trying at all times of day. Lars wasn't far off the mark, attacking other birds and trying to warm their nests in hissing paternal domination.

“We've been approached by our New Zealand business partners. They want us to hatch endangered species of geese. It looks to be very profitable... the kids would love it. We could make a hatching count down of it. I need to know, though.” The boss paused, green eyes are sharp as his partial cockney accent. “Are Matthew and Lars good enough parents to pull this off? It would be a media nightmare if they pecked the babies to death.”

This was a realistic concern with birds, but unnecessary. The homosexual birds were approaching celebrity status on the internet. They always behaved, at least when they weren't having heaps of sex on the grass.

“I think it's great idea boss. When can we start?”

00000

Life as a goose was not complicated. You ate, you swam, you pooped. Sometimes you fought with other birds over the tastiest of the plants. Matthew was a very happy sweet goose, trailing behind his confusing coloured mate. He loved Lars, as much as geese could understand such things. He wanted to preen Lars's glossy dark coat. Matthew wanted to fly and swim with Lars.

Matthew wanted a family with Lars.

It wasn't for lack of trying. In his tiny circular thoughts, if he fucked Lars hard enough, eggs were sure to follow. Matthew didn't entirely understand the mental implications of gender. Sure, this approach was the most fun, but it lacked results. This was probably because Lars didn't lay eggs.

Smarty smart birds like them just had to improvise. They had stolen a duck nest, but it was... wrong. The nest was tiny and pathetic. They gave it up in minutes, displeased. They build their own nest out of reeds. It was grand, it was fantastic. It was painfully empty.

The couple didn't know what to do, and gorged on visitor's seed packs to comfort themselves. Oh surely by miracle of birdkind, they could have fluffy goslings of their very own! Matthew honked in protest upon return from food.

Humans were in their empty nest! Instinct went on high alert. Lars and Matthew attacked in hissing tandem, long necks crooked from threat. The scavenger animal was prepared, with thick hide covered hands! They went for the leg hairs instead. Those oh so vulnerable leg hairs!

The human caretaker cursed but finished his task, fleeing after Lars bit him in the butt. Lars was the very best. After brushing against each other in impressed affection, they inspected the nest. Lo and behold, their attempts bore fruit.

Six lovely eggs were there! Testing each egg with their bills, the new parents claimed the site. Both knew the eggs were the right size, and very much alive. They would take turns warming the precious lives. They would raise the babies with the very best of intentions. Both large birds made raucous noise in announcement of their future babies. The stupid ducks ignored them rudely.

First step was raising a new flock in this partially enclosed pond area. Next step, Matthew and Lars were taking on the world!

[lets-fuck-reality]

tagged by @lvcyfer LAST…

[1] drink: water [2] phone call: my mate from the uni [3] text message: “i saw” [4] song you listened to: “my only friend” by Nimmo [5] time you cried: this weekend [6] dated someone twice: nah [7] been cheated on: unfortunately yes [8] kissed someone and regretted it: nah [9] lost someone special: yes [10] been depressed: yep [11] gotten drunk and thrown up: only once and never again

LIST 3 FAVOURITE COLOURS:

[12] black [13] dark grey [14] dark blue

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU…

[15] made new friends: yup, quite a bit tbh [16] fallen out of love: no [17] laughed until you cried: a lot  [18] found out someone was talking about you: yeah [19] met someone who changed you: no [20] found out who your true friends are: nah [21] kissed someone on your facebook list: nope

GENERAL…

[22] how many of your tumblr friends do you know in real life: 5 i guess [23] do you have any pets: four cats and a hamster [24] do you want to change your name: yes, i hate it to the guts [25] what did you do for your last birthday: i was studying for an exam  [26] what time did you wake up: today? 10am [27] what were you doing at midnight last night: studying for histology :/// [28] name something you cannot wait for: my internship at the zoo [29] when was the last time you saw your mother: 9 years ago [30] what is one thing you wish you could change about your life: i want to move out to the foreign country .. permanently [31] what are you listening to right now: my gf is reading to me my histology notes ;_; [32] have you ever talked to a person named tom: noooo [33] something that is getting on your nerves: examssssss and people  [35] elementary: been there, done that [36] high school: don’t wanna remember that  [37] college: one fucking emotional rollercoaster [38] hair colour: dark brown  [39] long or short hair: short, getting bit longer to have fuckboy hair again [40] do you have a crush on someone: yeah [41] what do you like about yourself?: nothing [42] piercings: nope [43] blood type: 0 RH+ [44] nickname: Sarambe... so meme [45] relationship status: in a relationship  [46] zodiac sign: capricorn [47] pronouns: she her [48] fav tv show: The Crown, Hannibal, Big Bang Theory, The Fall [49] tattoos: i fucking wish 
[50] right or left handed: left

FIRST…

[51] surgery: i had a major veins surgery, whatever [52] piercing: ears

[53] best friend: the person that now hates me because im gay [54] sport: swimming [55] vacation: Dominican Republic  [56] pair of trainers: small converse, for sure 

RIGHT NOW…

[57] eating: nothing [58] drinking: nothing [59] i’m about to: go to bed, after reading my notes one more time [60] listening to: House MD [61] waiting for: peace [62] want: peace and sleep [63] get married: never [64] career: i’d love to work with sloths <3

WHICH IS BETTER…

[65] hugs or kisses: hugs deffo [66] lips or eyes: eyes [67] shorter or taller: shorter, since im fucking huge XD [68] older or younger: older ( i mean mentally) [69] romantic or spontaneous: idk tbh [70] nice arms or nice stomach: stomach ;))) [71] sensitive or loud: sensitive [72] hook up or relationship: i have no idea [73] troublemaker or hesitant: 50/50

HAVE YOU EVER…

[74] kissed a stranger? i don’t think so [75] drank hard liquor? ughh yeah  [76] lost glasses/contact lenses? nope [77] turned someone down: no [78] sex on first date? yes XD [79] broken someone’s heart? i think so [80] had your own heart broken? yep [81] been arrested? almost  [82] cried when someone died? yes [83] fallen for a friend: …yep

DO YOU BELIEVE IN…

[84] yourself? nope [85] miracles? well kinda [86] love at first sight? nope [87] santa claus? nah mate [88] kiss on the first date? im shy/ antisocial and i need time [89] angels? i don’t think so

OTHER…

[90] current best friend’s name: Mary (Christmas hehe) [91] eye colour: poop borwn [92] favorite movie: INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS I tag @poza-horyzont @alistairs and @mikelaidlaw (if you want of course)

[kaleidoscopacetic]

the earth is gay: the thesis

i have come to the conclusion that the earth is gay through deep thought and consideration. i happen to be a sophomore in high school, and in my first period we were covering homosexuality. one of the slides in the presentation we were copying our notes from had a list of examples of species observed to have had homosexual members. one of the examples happened to be worms. i was flabbergasted. gay worms? thats fucking hilarious. but then i got to thinking. if the worms are gay, and they eat the dirt and poop it back out, does that make the dirt gay? i decided to keep this line of inquiry to myself until my 5th period, which is chemistry. my chemistry teacher is a pretty cool guy, i figured he would either confirm my hypothesis or give me new information to ponder. so after he had finished his lecture and left us to our own devices, i relayed my thoughts on this subject. he thought it was stupid because worms are apparently hermaphrodites. but this information only strengthened my theory, because if worms are all the same gender, wouldnt that mean that they are all gay? telling him this did not garner the approval i seeked, but instead prompted him to call me narrow minded. "there wouldnt be a word for it because there would be no alternative." but i know the truth. all worms are the same gender, so they cant like a worm that is a different gender, because there is no other gender. theyre worms, they cant make any other genders. not like us. so, in short, all worms are gay, which makes the dirt gay, and dirt = earth, so the earth is gay. good day.