#Ganondorf is the one bringing the spite

[aikoiya]

LoZ - Gerudo Misandry Is Not Funny Or Okay

I find it really damn odd that so few people talk about misandry when they bring up the Gerudo or the societal norms of other Amazon-esque races.

And even when they do, it seems to always be done with a tone of levity behind it.

As if it isn't every bit as terrible as misogyny.

As if their biological situations don't make men absolutely vital to the continued existence of their people & culture.

So, treating men as less than is as terrible as men treating women the same.

And, honestly? I can't help but see this disregard by fans (especially the feminist fans) as very spiteful.

Like, how do these people not see how this isn't okay?

I mean, no wonder Ganondorf always ends up such a sack of shit!

Seriously girls, imagine what it would be like growing up the only female in a society of all guys.

No maternal figures, no female role models, no female friends, or even acquaintances. And you're unlikely to ever even see another woman until you reach 18-20.

Separated from the most important woman in your life at 3-6, if not birth. To be raised by a pair of warlocks who despise their neighboring kingdom & are intent on turning you into a vile, tyrannical witch.

And every guy around you knows nothing about actual women, just misogynistic stereotypes, so all you can do is apply those same stereotypes to yourself & there's just this general consensus that women are basically unnecessary beyond producing children.

They don't have a single clue about what it means to be a woman. They don't know anything about women's health. No one to explain things to you when you need them most. So, in the end, you're mostly left to figure it all out on your own.

And the only real examples of women you have are people that your adoptive fathers say are oppressing you & your people. So, all you can do is quietly just assume that all women = bad. And that includes you too.

So, all you can do is frantically do everything you can to make yourself useful to these people who, knowingly or unknowingly, look down upon others of your sex.

And therefore, unconsciously, you as well.

And you're expected to rule these people. To lead them into a golden age.

I can't even imagine how damn isolating it must be. I can't imagine the pressure. These are your people, yet even so, you are still alien to them. Still other. Still "not one of them."

And in many ways, a commodity.

Based entirely upon something that you have zero control of.

And upon reaching 18, you're likely used as a breeding mare.

And the only people who could ever truly understand your situation & the pressure that comes with it... are all dead...

Now, switch the sexes & you basically have every Gerudo Voe's reality.

It's no damn wonder that Ganondorf always becomes evil.

There's also the ridiculous superstition that "men bring about disaster."

And then we get into the detrimental affects this shit has on the Vai!

Look at how these women react to just seeing a dude!

And this chick can't even look a man in the eye!

Because, apparently, she's never even seen a real man in person before! So, Link has to freaking wear a full-face mask in order to get her to manage to speak to him!

And let's not even get into what the little Vai wear! The sirwal are fine, it's the tops that need to be changed.

Kids aren't supposed to show that much skin!

LoZ Cultural Masterlist 2

[gerudospiriit]

I know I need to stop. But, sometimes, I only catch myself doing it after it's been going on for several minutes. Today, I'm sure both Bulivia and some of the kids noticed the staring.

No matter how many times I tell myself it doesn't matter if I bore that child or not--and it is very likely I didn't--I still find myself staring a little too long at some of the kids that are around the right age when I check in on classes. Searching for my features, or his, or a mixture of both of them. Does she have Ganondorf's eyes? My nose or lips?Today, I tricked myself into believing one girl looked a little like me. But reason kicked in eventually, reminding me that young Illi belonged to Taji. And I probably just made this poor girl feel as though her chieftain had it out for her or something. I tried to make sure I cheered her on a little extra after her spar.

I know I should talk to Zana about it. She's the only person who knew I was pregnant before I was brainwashed, and, I imagine, she would have delivered that baby if there was a delivery to be done. I just...can't bring myself to do it. It feels pointless because I'm sure she would have told me. Even if Twinrova or Ganondorf himself told her to keep it quiet, she would have no reason to keep it from me. REASONABLY, I know I lost the child, either naturally or perhaps to Twinrova's spite.

And yet...I still can't help but look. To, perhaps, hope. I cannot deny that, when my mind wanders to what could have been, there is occasionally a daughter in the picture.

But, as it were, it was not meant to be.

[izunias-meme-hole]

What are your thoughts on Tears of The Kingdom, Izunia?

To be completely honest in a very strange way… Tears of The Kingdom is the best, if not my personal favorite, Zelda game.

The plot is simplistic yet solid, when the writing is good its good, the dungeons are a mix between traditional Zelda dungeons and the crap BOTW introduced, we got Ganondorf at his best, Zelda herself here is still pretty sold (though it’s debatable if she’s as good as she was in BoTW & AoC), it’s a Wile E. Coyote simulator mixed with skyrim, and in spite of some of its bigger writing flaws like the OG sages, some of the Ancient Hyrule stuff, and other things, this game succeeds in being one surprising amazing thing.

Being a tribute to the entire Zelda Series and an entry into a new era for the entire series.

Ocarina of Time and Majora’s Mask are peak writing for the Zelda series and true revolutionary works of art, and yet, despite having all the odds against it and basically being the equivalent of the Mona Lisa drawn by crayons, Tears of The Kingdom is in the same league as those games by just turning the farewell letter that was Breath of The Wild into an entry into a new era that keeps everything familiar about the series, but reinvents it all to fit with the legend that’s being told.

I hope this all makes sense, but to put it simply in spite of its flaws, Tears of The Kingdom feels like a celebration of old and new things in the series, and a the clear start of a totally new era of Zelda that will continue to both carry tradition and bring new things to the table.

[bigbobbiehorror]

I think after finishing the game and then watch my brother beat it on his own, I've got a few thoughts in regards TOTK's story and a few nitpicks, so All Spoilers beneath the cut:

First of all, I feel like the game just kind of wasted a lot of potential gray morality that you could've found in the conflict between the Ganondorf and Rauru. Because, regardless of whether Ganondorf was a good leader to his people or not prior this, the fact that Rauru was looking to unify all lands and ultimately, to have them swear fealty to the Hyrule kingdom, it's all glossed over. From that point of view, at the very least, you can understand Ganondorf's hostility towards Hyrule (and this is where I get pretty mad: he doesn't need to be redeemed or even be justified in his evil, but I would've loved to see Ganondorf be written like a more layered villain. I was very excited to see him, but he just feels a lot like TP's incarnation: he looks cool and does memorable shit, but he doesn't feel like an 'interesting' character outside being a force of evil. He's definitely the most intimidating Ganondorf to date, but even with Matt Mercer's great performance, he comes across as very flat).

Also, how the only living zonai that we ever see before the imprisoning war are Rauru and Mineru, and there's never a clear explanation about what happened to the rest of them. It is assumed they once were living in Hyrule long before their times, so what happened to them to go extinct? There's no hints given on whether it was because of Demise or was it something else. And the fact that there's a lot of new facts that contradict previous lore doesn't make it easier to figure out (which isn't new for a Zelda game, but man you would think that they keep track of their own lore at this point).

Ultimately, I feel like the ending is wrapped up very eagerly with a positive note, with both Zelda and Link recovering what they lost (her humanity and his arm). Though this isn't new for a Zelda game, I felt like it would've been more impactful to have Link lose his arm forever in exchange of bringing Zelda back to her human self.

And to be honest... I am kind of getting a bit tired of having pieces of the story given to me out of order. It wasn't so bad in BOTW, but in TOTK I wish I could've watched these important events in their chronological order, because it's kind of anti-climatic to watch the scene where Zelda meets Sonia and Rauru for the first time and the next one I get is of Ganondorf killing Sonia. so.... yeah, not a fan.

Gameplay-wise, this game is my favorite out of all Zelda games. I loved the amount of freedom that the game gives to you, but after doing 90+ shrines, I think I'm starting to miss the old long dungeons.

(Also, feel free to disregard the following paragraph, that's mostly just me being old and complaining about things that aren't necessarily bad or a real concern for others) And about the open world: I loved exploring the world and doing the little side quests, but you know what I'm not a fan of? The amount of hours I spend doing the exploring. I'm a bit of a completionist and combining that with my reduced my free time has become and all other games I wish to play besides this, an open world this big is not a great thing for me. I think that this is why I don't play Wind Waker as often ad OoT in spite of the former being my favorite: the world is too big and I only have so much free time to dedicate to a videogame in which I could spend 30-20% of that time traversing a map from one objective to another. And WW is a pretty linear game: TOTK is not exactly linear, in fact, I may get a dozen of new distractions while I travel from one objective to another, so that's my problem amplified.

But other than that, TOTK is a great game, and if people wanna call it the best of 2023, it's very well-deserved. But personally, I think I'm a bit disappointed with how some things came out and how this may be the new direction they want to take new Zelda games, if there will be more in the future.

[dragonzzilla]

Of course Zelda wouldn’t crave power--she was born into it. Not only is she the heir to a prosperous kingdom, there’s magic in her very bloodline. Power is a fact of her life. But she’s young, inexperienced; she cannot effectively wield that power. She has the means and the initiative to try and stop Ganondorf’s plan in its infancy, even if it ends up backfiring horribly. She has to learn from her mistakes. It certainly takes courage to persevere after a monumental fuck up, and there is bravery in casting aside the trappings of privilege--the only existence she knew--in the belief that she could do more good by getting her hands dirty. And, dark as it is, no one with a faint heart can ask so much of a stranger and fellow child, placing the weight of the world on his shoulders. She even admits in the end that she robbed Link of his life, and so offers to send him back in time to make up for it. If you're going to ruin a young man's life by molding him into a weapon champion, you'd best hope that you're smart enough to justify the cost.

Although Ganondorf is a warlock-king who can singlehandedly bring a nation to its knees, he craves yet more power. Why? Because, in spite of the fact that he can raise monsters from the dead and inflict terrible enough curses to ail demigods, he's powerless to change his lot in life, as the destined child of a hated people in a barren land. Of course he envies the easy lives of Hyrule, the privilege they take for granted--up to and including the power to rewrite reality itself with the Triforce. His strength of arms, his magical prowess--they mean nothing if he can’t affect real change. But he has wisdom and courage aplenty. A fragile mind and weak spirit cannot hope to master the dark arts. It takes brains to identify the weaknesses of everyone around you, and to use sorcery to its fullest extent, wisely crippling those who would stand in your path. And it takes guts to persevere in your vision, knowing that you'll make enemies with the whole world, including those who should love you the most. Neither a coward nor a fool can ingratiate themselves to an enemy monarch long enough to spring a deadly trap, succeed in a coup, then maintain power for 7 years with dissidents on all sides, biding his time until all the pieces fall into place and he can finally reassemble the Triforce--the ultimate power--and realize his ambitions, in a reign that is only undone by time travel.

And then there's Link. Honestly, what would a sheltered boy from the woods know of power? How could he crave something so meaningless to him, so foreign? He's the boy without a fairy, the black sheep of his village, bullied and picked on. Then, one day, he's summoned before the Great Deku Tree, the guardian spirit and very embodiment of the forest Link calls home, to learn that it's dying--and moreover, that this is no natural process. Something or someone did this to the Deku Tree, and now it's up to him to confront this force that can fell a god. His standards of power mean nothing to this threat. And would you say it's wise to leave behind the only world you've known on a quest of utmost importance; traveling to strange and dangerous lands, fighting monsters and braving ancient temples with booby traps, following the heed of vague authority figures and trusting they know what's best? Maybe not. But it needs doing. Regardless of what he is feeling, he has to carry on. He has to stick with the plan and keep punching up, tangling with monsters of legend; he must continue vexing a sorcerer king for whom nothing is sacred, who will cross any line to get what he wants. And that, my friends, demands courage like nothing else.

one tiny lore detail that I really appreciate in Ocarina of Time is how the Triforce bearers were not chosen based on what they represent the most, but what they most believe in. I think it really tracks much better than if we base it on who they are as people. Of course Zelda would yearn for the Wisdom to protect her kingdom from her own really unfortunate ten-year-old bad plan who backfired horribly, and have the knowledge to never let anything like this ever happen again. Of course Ganon would believe in the value of Power the most --regardless of our reading on the character, he was forced to yield to someone mightier than he was, and even as a trick that was probably unbearable to him. And of course Link would believe in the virtue of Courage above all else, as it is basically all he can rely on and what he needs the most to face the challenges ahead. That's just a really smart way to contextualize it all, and removes an arbitrary aspect of essentialism that doesn't 100% match them otherwise in my opinion, and makes them more active characters.

[moefongo]

The villains + Robbie as magical girls

I have no idea on magical girl tropes I only watched 2 episodes of madoka magica lol

This is also very cursed, enjoy!

Zant

Desperately wants to be a magical idol girl. But Ghirahim stole his dream.

His outfit is pretty cute though, but he replaced the boots for yellow crocs. He doesn't care if it doesn't match with the outfit.

His dress is a dress matching the color of his tunic, the crocs and white stockings. But he ate the earrings that went along side the outfit.

He always screams "In the name of Lord Ganondorf I will vanquish you!", then it's followed by Zant's trademark screeching.

Ghirahim

He is an idol magical girl. Even though he can't sing for shit.

He's way too convincing and people just roll with it. Besides he does it to spite Zant.

Aside from that his outfit is the frilliest of them all. Its a red and white dress an he matches it with red earrings.

Always gives 2 monologues before attacking and its always the same one. Some say he rehearses it on his free time.

Ganondorf

He's just a beefy man with magic powers, in a magical girl outfit.

Despite that, he enjoys wearing it because there is nothing more intimidating than a 8 foot tall man in a magical girl outfit that's about to kill you.

His skirt though is the shortest one and most of the time everyone can see Ganondorf's underwear. This mortified him and first but now he embraces it.

His outfit consists of an armored chest piece, a skirt, stockings and high heels. And yes he can run in high heels better than anyone. He even has a matching tiara to go along.

Volga

He is the military grade dragon magical girl.

His hair in pigtails with tiny dragon barrettes. His outfit? An armor dress what exquisitely shows his thighs and legs. He wears mary janes though, he finds heels impractical for battle.

He too wears this it instill fear in the heart of his enemies. It brings him great joy to see them quiver before a 6 foot tall dragon magical girl.

Has probably set his hair on fire way too many times.

Wizzro

He is all the magical girls.

Wizzro can and will transform into anyone just for pure spite. But sometimes he just wears a bow and a frilly cloak and call it a day.

He carries around ungodly amounts of glitter to throw at people's faces. He calls it magic dust.

Can actually sing better than Ghirahim and sometimes he will get payed to transform into him and sing. He doesn't mind though.

Astor

Emo magical girl.

His spells are basically MCR lyrics. It's cringe but oddly effective.

His outfit looks the same from the bottom up, the rest is a poofy skirt with fishnet tights and boots. His legs are very pale and lanky.

He says nyah when he kills someone too. He might be borderline catboy too.

Some people rumor that he wears cat ears underneath his hoodie.

Robbie

Bill Nye the magical science girl

This man just got a slutty scientist costume from Spirit Halloween, some high heeled boots and thats it.

He says "I will protect the world with the power of SCIENCE", and an uwu face.

He also carries around a mug that reads, World's gayest science man as a wand. Don't ask him why though, because he too doesn't know why.

[thebibliomancer]

Song of the Dark Crystal liveblog pt 6

Song of the Dark Crystal by J.M. Lee because the quest is back on!

Last time in book: Kylan and Naia have joined forces with Rian to overthrow the Skeksis. Unfortunately, Kylan has also been declared a traitor by the Skeksis. The three decide to leave Stone-in-the-Wood immediately and pursue separate plans. Rian will go to the All-Maudra with the vial of Mira goo. Kylan and Naia will go find Aughra and try to alert all Gelflings to what the Skeksis are doing.

Chapter 6

The heroes make their way through the forest to the Black River. Kylan sings a Jarra-Jen story that gets Rian to open up.

The gang... is there a catchy name for the protagonists? Kylan’s crew? Anyway, they’re leaving Stone-in-the-Wood in the dark of the night because at least 2 out of 3 and probably 3 out of 3 are fugitives.

But more importantly:

“Best wishes!” Mythra said. “When I’m big, I’ll come and join you. I fear no lying Skeksis!”

Mythra is too powerful!

“Once you’re big enough to not be eaten in one gulp. Then I’ll welcome you.”

It was the first playful thing Kylan had heard the soldier say, and it was endearing.

It really is!

I love the dynamic between Rian and Mythra.

The three set off in RPG formation: Rian in the front, squishy Kylan in the middle, and Naia in the back. Kylan, in Kylan fashion, feels bad and tells himself he brings value to the party somehow, even if he doesn’t know how.

Best boy Kylan, you’re the best boy. But also: you came up with a great third option between Rian and Naia’s position last chapter. That’s something!

The group also starts discussing whether the Skeksis have been preying on the Gelfling for a long time. Kylan brings up the census, how the Skeksis come twice a year to record the number of Gelfling. Rian even darkly calls it a harvest.

“We count the peach-berry trees every spring, and pluck half the blossoms so they bloom in the summer. That way we know they will all bear fruit, and how many. Mother Aughra taught the Gelfling these things long ago, and we’ve performed the counting and plucking every year since the Age of Innocence... and yet we couldn’t see that the Skeksis were doing the same to our people in front of our very eyes.”

Naia said, “You’ve given this a lot of thought.”

“I’ve had a lot of time to consider.”

They wonder whether the Skeksis perform the census with the Dousan and the Grottan. Rian says that he’s only ever seen a single Dousan guard at the Castle and none from the Caves of Grot. He speculates that the Skeksis may have finished them off long ago without any one noticing.

Grim.

Kylan can’t help but contrast this grim Rian with the sentimental, kind Rian he saw in the dreamfast and also in his interactions with Mythra and Shoni.

Guy’s been through so much.

But Kylan has an idea! STORY TIME. Of course about Jarra-Jen, obvs.

Naia: “I could use a break from the stories of our real life.”

Mood.

Many songs of our lightning-born hero are known

From courage and cleverness are these stories grown

But no song is filled with such heartache and yen

As this one of the Dew-Tree and brave Jarra-Jen

Kylan sings the song of Jarra-Jen’s cool girlfriend Amiris of Darkwood, the Singer of Dew. She apparently personally applies the dew to every blade of grass, which is impressive.

Also, she had green hair. The Gelfling are anime people in this continuity apparently.

“Jarra-Jen loved Amiris, as a singer loves song” which is a good line. And they danced every night. They had a really good relationship.

Then Kaul, the Dark King of Sand, ruined the mood by Ganondorfing all over the happy times.

He kidnapped Amiris and took her to the dunes and demanded she make the desert green like Hyrule. Perhaps unsurprisingly, she couldn’t? Because of climate?

But Kaul was a dick about it.

So the King, at her failure, grew wrathful in spite

He took her out in the desert, upon sands hot and white

There he punished her, holding her face to the suns

“If I can’t have the Garden, then neither will no-one.”

Cool rhyme though.

On the fourth morning, Jarra-Jen finally found her but too late. ‘She wanted to cry but the tears had been burned out of her eyes’ amount of too late. She dying.

So she makes a magic seed pop out of her chest, as ya do.

Jarra-Jen pleaded and begged, cried for her not to go

She put the seed in his hand, bade him help it to grow

Then she melted to stardust. The wind took her away

Jarra-Jen left with the seedling on his loneliest day.

Dang, that’s sad.

Don’t you hate it when your gf melts into stardust after staring into the suns too long?

Jarra-Jen plants the seed like Amiris asked but it won’t grow because this is still the desert.

He called to the earth. He called to the sky

But nobody answered. The dew-seed would die

With no other hope, Jarra-Jen fell to his knees

And wept...

Bursting forth from the sands came an enormous tree

Brown of skin, strong of branch, and emerald of leaf

Its roots rippled the earth, its crown brushed the sky

And Jarra-Jen poured forth every last tear he could cry

I feeeeel like salt water wouldn’t be great for growing a tree but Jarra-Jen is a folk legend. This kind of thing is just what they do.

Anyway, Kylan finishes up the song. And I feel like this is the origin story of whatever the Patron Tree of the Dousan are. Huge magic tree in desert? Gotta be.

Naia helpfully tells the moral of the story to the audience. I mean, this is YA. And also, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t appreciate the cliff notes.

“I liked it,” she said. “I think it’s a good lesson... We will always face hard times, but it’s important to remember that our sadness can often be what becomes our strength. There’s no weakness in sorrow or grief.”

Rian says nothing about the story but he sniffs and wipes his cheek. He was moved.

Good song-telling, song-teller Kylan.

And what good timing, he finished the story right as they reach the Black River and it’s time to split up.

Hm. Earlier I joked about Naia having to go to Ha’rar after all the detours last book so its funny to me that she’s still not going. I wonder if she’ll ever go to Ha’rar.

Anyway, Rian gives them directions for how to find Aughra’s house from here.

Realizing that they may never see Rian again if something goes wrong, Kylan tells him that he’s not alone and “we may be strangers by blood, but we’re family in arms.”

Rian softens for them.

“I miss Gurjin and the others very much,” Rian confessed. “I don’t want to put anyone else in danger. Every night I dream of the Skeksis hunting me, killing anyone nearby. Gurjin, Mira, Mythra, Timtri, my mother... The only way I can rest is if I’m alone. Once the All-Maudra has been told, maybe I will stop looking over my shoulder, but until then... I couldn’t see you in danger when Gurjin died to protect us.”

=(

“I do trust you both, though. As I trusted Gurjin. I only fear that my sorrow will not be enough to grow anything.”

“Only if it’s salted with remorse,” Kylan said. “Good journey to you, Rian. We’ll meet again in Ha’rar, with help from Mother Aughra and stories of our adventures on the High Hill.”

=]

Rian floats away in a boat and with his last words as he disappears into the shadow warns Kylan and Naia to stay away from finger vines. Whatever those are!

After Rian disappears along the river and the other two Gelfling prepare a second boat, Naia compliments how on the nose the story choice was.

“That song of Jarra-Jen was really something,” Naia said ... “I think it really moved him. I wouldn’t mind meeting the song teller who wrote it. The song that soothed the soul of the boy who first saw the Skeksis betrayal!”

“You don’t have to wait to meet that song teller,” he said. “You already did, in Sami Thicket, when he was running away from home.”

“When he was...” Naia coughed in surprise as she put one and one together. Then she crowed with laughter. “You devil! You made it up just for Rian?”

AMAZING.

Kylan figured Rian wouldn’t listen if Kylan just straight up said the stuff about sorrow growing good things so he wrapped it in a story HE MADE UP ON THE SPOT INCLUDING RHYMES and sang it!

What a good song-teller.

And Rian thought wow this ancient story about a cultural folk hero hits me where I live.

Amazing.

I hope Rian passes that off as a real Jarra-Jen story and it gets spread around and becomes part of the accepted canon of Jarra-Jen adventures.

I wonder if there was already an Amiris and a story linking Jarra-Jen to the Patron Tree in the desert. How much Kylan was able to pick up from other stories to make his seem more legit.

“I don’t regret it one bit, Song Teller,” Naia said, as the opposite bank came into view in the dark. “Taking you along. I would have been a fool not to. I hope you know this as I know it.”

It was possibly the sweetest thing she’d ever said to him, and Kylan finally let out the smile he’d been holding back.

BEST FRIENDS.

[thecottageinthedark]

#Legend of Zelda#Breath of the Wild#Calamity Ganon#long post#also hot take but even if we accept the conclusion Ganondorf and Demise are connected#Ganondorf is the one bringing the spite#Demise shows very little imagination in the game and basically just goes 'here's how I win anyway even though you beat me'#Ganondorf is the guy who actually has any reason to be pissed and is. in fact. extremely pissed#and it's extremely useful to frame his anger which is partly justified and all a thing that hyrule has to deal with#as 'merely' the malign influence of a demon because no person would have a Genuine Reason to hate hyrule!

also i was curious, after browsing your meta MANY times (because i love your zelda meta so much!), what's your thought about Calamity Ganon? the game as a whole heavily encourages the idea that the man we knew as ganondorf is GONE and there's a tragic loss of the man he used to be, just a corrupted victim of demise's spite, but there's just as much to indicate that ganondorf is deliberately obfuscating his nature, and he simply sees no reason to be a schemer at the moment?

See my hot take on Calamity Ganon (before I get back to meme replies) is that it's an external manifestation; Calamity Ganon and the Blights are sort of puppet avatars that Ganondorf, the person, is speaking through. They always made me think of ghosts- something distorted but unmistakably recreating a form, an identity- and something is watching you through all of them.

The four blights are tailored assassins. They have prescience and calculation to them, and they use this prescience to attack you. This gets even more so when the big man Clamgan is revealed properly- there's just something about the way he swings his head around to stare at Link the first time that feels injected with almost as much personality as "Oh, it's you," from GLaDOS in Portal 2.

So if their intention was to write a Ganondorf who's completely gone and lost, barely the shambles of a person, I feel like, uh, they failed. Instead, they're giving the sense of a ghost dragging itself out from under the floorboards, especially since if you look at Rhoam's story, at the same time he starts talking about the calamity as a mindless monster, he states without pointing it out that Clamgan specifically outsmarted and manipulated all of the factors that were used to hunt him before.

The Guardians? Turned to his favor.

The Divine Beasts? Again, tailored assassins to isolate the champions.

Advancing from without met an army? He crawls out from underneath Hyrule Castle (which. okay. BotW2's trailer suggests this maybe wasn't his goal, but a coincidence of the location of his prison- but he turned it into a hell of a sneak attack)

Like... he is scheming. Both in a practical sense and in a sense that's distressingly emotionally personal. His various manifestations all have red hair- they're all these attempts at pulling himself back together. It's depersonalized, but in the way that a horror ghost is depersonalized- the self is abstracted, rotted, and yet, enduring. The creepy thing about the Malice to me isn't that it's just hunks of autonomous flesh growing all over- it's that they used eyes- one of the most ubiquitous marks in legend of zelda- and made it that for reasons that are only ever implied to you, the entire setting is watching your progress.

A friend of mine even had a disturbing take that it's possible the Guardians are running default patrol routes only because Zelda is partly sabotaging Ganondorf's control over them- because we see evidence in the past that before Zelda's seal went down, they converged on specific targets. Which, again- BotW is a game where Link literally died, and Zelda almost died- in the Age of Calamity side game they emphasize this further.

The allegedly mindless Calamity recognizes specific people and is trying to get rid of them as quickly as possible. I don't think it's obfuscation- I think it's propaganda and denial- possibly even denial of something Rhoam knows about the situation that he won't tell us- that frames Calamity Ganon as a force of nature, rather than anything that has a reason to be tied to the royal family- or any echo of a person the royal family wronged and buried.

So I'd argue he's totally scheming, he's just scheming with- implicitly- limited resources stuck in a box acting through whatever puppets he can steal and placing horrible flesh homunculi in key places.

[studiorat]

SoME Vol. II : Letters, page 42

In which the king takes refuge in rank and title - and writes of the Fateful Night long ago, when the leader of a band of thieves in his fury and might was blind to any danger, and thus was he exposed, subdued, and brought to justice...

.

Transcription of the letter, which is far more formal than any of his previous notes, and bears one larger iteration of his personal seal:

Princess -

For your hospitality and wit strengthening my campaign I will grant your petition for mercy from the Great King, and give you a secret: the true last letter of your fabled prince, which was lost before the Discourses were compiled, for Zelda Sophia Karsooda Saievaitha Hyrule played their cursed harp to capture and subdue him, took it from his bloody fist, and burned it.

Love is a weapon which cuts its bearer.

Whatever the reason your spirit has chosen to lose the knowledge that you sent the Geld’o King to die for the sin of appearing in your nightmares, I return it to you. May the truth bring you all the same joys it has given to me, and my vengeance shall be well wrought.

- Ganondorf Rajenaya Dinauru Chalut Dragmire

Flower of Dawn - Thorn of Dusk - Lord of Thunder - Master of Serpents

Commander of the Sands - Protector of the People - Song of Ancestors - Crown of Ages

King of Light and Shadow

-

SoME is brought to you by coffee, spite, my lovely readers and patrons, and the letter G. The comic remains free to read, though NEW pages go up FIRST every Thursday on my Patreon. (We’re deeper in Volume II over there. Also patrons get the collected ebook versions of various comics to download, along with other goodies.) There is also a master post (that actually works) with all live pages there, as a public post of course.

Also, Volume I is now available as a paper copy and is eligible for the the PrintDay820 coupon until 09.04.2020 (see notes for shop link!)

Budget tight? We know the feeling - even small tips help and warm notes help the art continue to exist, especially in dark hours, and you can still hang out on the public pages of Patreon and various social medias (we have a Discord! See notes for link...) and as always, signal boosting is greatly appreciated

[spirit-science-blog]

“Time not important… only life important.” yep, we’re going there, things are about to get a little bit philosophical now that we’re dealing with the Fifth Element...no..not the Alchemical Quintessence, but close! That crazy 1990s Sci-Fi about a killer planet, the power of love… and… You know, Bruce Willis’s Wacky Taxi Adventures... and all that…

So, major spoiler alert… The fifth element is Love. Well, kind of...it’s this woman called Leeloominaï Lekatariba Lamina-Tchaï Ekbat De Sebat… For short, Leeloo is the fifth element, and in essence: a perfect, supreme being of sorts. In a way, she’s kind of like Avatar Aan, destined to unite with the other classical elements in an ancient Egyptian temple to act as a defense system against this super evil Dark Force called Mr. Shadow - which takes on the form of a cruel planet, whose only goal is to destroy life in a cosmic cycle every 5000 years.

It’s a movie that’s had its fair share of criticism, especially in the gender department… Leeloo is the only real female character, with others appearing randomly throughout as passive objects, sex objects, or with most of their femininity stripped away like Major Iceborg. Aside from the fifth element herself, there’s a real lack of divine feminine in this story, but then again, her nature itself does embody many characteristics of the divine feminine: powerful, unique, and beyond the understanding of nearly everyone that she meets.

Regarding the plot, we have kind of a Raava vs. Vaatu thing happening like from Legend of Korra… and it’s hard not to draw lines to Avatar here considering the whole elemental theme huh? In the intro, we see an archaeologist deciphering ancient words regarding the conjunction of celestial bodies, something we should all do more of you know? Which, by the way, if you haven’t picked up your edition of the 2021 Almanac of the New Age, I might highly recommend it, because it helps you do just that without being randomly surprised by a giant robot-alien! Before they show up though, the archaeologist has to keep yelling to Aziz to wake up, as the kid keeps nodding off… I wonder if this is subtly depicting how humanity keeps falling asleep and thus the light that illuminates sacred knowledge is not currently stable. Yet when the advanced beings come to show the way, the light is blinding… Powerful and concrete.

There’s also a sense here that humans are the custodians of Earth, so we have to protect it from darkness and destruction ourselves, and while these higher beings help when the time is right, they cannot do it for us. While Love is shown as this mythical force that these advanced beings can use to defeat the darkness, it could also be said that Love is neutral energy between Light and Dark, one that is capable of harmonizing both sides, ultimately resetting the cycle, something that is echoed in Zorg’s speech later on.

All this knowledge is of course passed down through a secret brotherhood of priests, acting as keepers through the generations, of which there are many stories of secret societies doing the same in our history, and amazingly in the future where the main story takes place, Priest Cornelius is also an “Expert of Astrophenomenon”. He’s not just an expert on the metaphysical, but also seemingly the scientific study of space, and there’s certainly a sense that he’s got that whole balance thing down to a tee, working to better his understanding of both science and spirit by combining the two fields.  

So when the military fires a bunch of missiles at Mr. Shadow, it’s interesting to see how they treat Cornelius, who tries to explain to them what Mr. Shadow is, to which he is mostly ignored, and they continue trying to brute force the problem. Yet Evil begets more Evil - as Cornelius explains, subtly referencing that the military's weapons, or at least their intentions. Mr. Shadow - symbolic of “our” shadow selves, demonstrates that it will grow in power if you try to destroy it with the same mindset that created it. The only way to truly harmonize the darkness is through love.

Even more impressive is this disconnect between the President of Earth and Earth itself. While, of course, they are trying to protect the earth and all of its life, when we see the world, we have to ask… are those living? Police and robots so heavily control everything, it’s smoggy, you see some crazy representations of people like the guy who tries to rob Korben in his apartment, and I’m not sure I saw a single tree…

Now, Major Dallas, to that end, of course, represents the divine masculine, also fulfilling the warrior archetype. While, of course, he checks all the classic hero tropes of the ex-lone warrior destined to save the world and fall in love with a perfect supreme sacred woman, the way it plays out DOES provides us with a bit of wisdom for ourselves concerning synchronicity. He describes that what he wants is to meet that perfect woman, and she falls from the sky into his cab. Perhaps this is a nod to manifestation in some way, as it’s their love story that’s the key to resolving the movie's conflict. It’s also a reminder for us that when we stumble into synchronicity, we have to be willing to take that leap of faith and follow where it leads us. For Korben, he has an opportunity to give LeeLoo up to the coppers but ends up putting his whole life at risk for her instead, but it’s THIS path that leads to the world being saved. Korben has to ask himself what’s important, following his heart and helping someone in need or earning more points on his taxi license…

Now, Leeloo on the other hand, through her character explores the nature of spirituality, DNA, and the physical capabilities of our souls within a body. A big topic in spirituality today is the science of ascension - we made a whole workshop on that which you can watch for free if you like - and what enlightenment might look like or do to our physical bodies. Leeloo’s DNA is perfect.. But it isn’t inhuman. There’s nothing really out of the ordinary about her DNA, she has the same genetic composition as us, just more of it, more tightly packed, allowing for greater inherent genetic knowledge and potential. Perhaps there’s a message here that the human genome is already whole, we just need to utilize its latent capabilities to find inner harmony, leading to a leveling up of what we are truly capable of.  

So if Korben was like Link and LeeLoo was Princess Zelda, Zorg would be Ganondorf, completing the trinity. Zorg actually drops some pretty interesting wisdom in his discussion with Cornelius. Despite his “evil” role, his whole name is Jean Baptiste Emanuel Zorg, being named after the prophet and saint in many religions, and Emanuel meaning ”God is with us” in Hebrew. Zorg explains that life itself results from chaos and disorder at times. He believes that by creating a little destruction, he is encouraging life to renew itself, so the Priest and he are really in the same business… while it might just sound like he’s been brainwashed by the Shadow, when we look deeper, we do find some hidden spirituality!

His ideology is in alignment with the wisdom of the importance and honorable role of darkness in our reality. Much like the tower or death card in the major arcana or the shells of the Qliphoth in the Kabbalah, agents of darkness often come to give structure, boundaries, and direction for light to move through, as well as clearing stagnant energy to make way for new and evolved paradigms. Much like the cycles and sine waves that move through nature, energy flows through peaks and valleys that balance each other out.

Zorg knows he is a monster and is proud of it. He’s a businessman at heart, powerful from the money of capitalism, and a reflection of society's state of awareness and evolution. As we mentioned, this future society is portrayed as consumerist and still dwelling on issues of pollution and crime, even in spite of great new technologies. Perhaps that’s why the Darkness had to come, to help propel the evolution of consciousness forward and bring about divine love. However, while the love between Korben and Leeloo is highly symbolic, it doesn’t seem to affect basically anyone else, which might call us to ask ourselves… would it have been better for humanity and its pollution to be destroyed? This - at the very least - seems to be the underlying thinking behind Zorgs criminal activity. Ultimately, in the face of darkness, humans must come together to accomplish things and stop evil, something we wouldn’t do otherwise… This is what makes us evolve as a species.

Zorg perfectly encapsulates his philosophy in his quote about glass, saying “this glass is serene and boring, but when destroyed, a lovely ballet ensues full of form and color”. He then knocks it off the table and a bunch of little vacuum cleaner droids come and clean it up. Describing that the “People who created them, technicians, engineers, now have money to feed their children. They are part of the chain of life".

Interestingly though, Zorg is only a monster because life experiences took him there, but he started like any of us. There is a nice lesson from Cornelius about how fickle life is: all of Zorg’s power counts for absolutely nothing when his entire empire comes crashing down because of one little cherry. Cornelius saves Zorg’s life regardless, showing us the virtue of the angels, even towards the demons.

When the team finally makes it to the alien space opera, we get to meet Ruby Rhod and Plavalaguna. Ruby is one of the most unique parts of this movie… Crazy sexual antics aside, he is unapologetically authentic to his true nature, bending gender standards and seemingly embodying masculine and feminine with grace and humor. Perhaps the epitome of the wacky human spirit. And then as for Plavalaguna, she has some very ascended master vibes. The Mondoshawans entrusted her with the safekeeping of the elemental stones, who actually carries them inside her body as a safeguard. From a Spiritual perspective, this seems to describe how we all embody the classical elements within us. She even senses Leeloo's presence behind a wall down the hallway, implying she has some measure of clairvoyance. Interestingly, like the Mondoshawan from earlier, she doesn’t seem overly concerned with her own death, echoing the movie’s sentiment that time is not important, only life. Deeper though, it appears that she knew she was going to die all along, in order for the stones to get out of her…. We’re not even gonna ask how she got the stones inside her in the first place...that’d be one hard pill to swallow, let alone perform an entire opera with these giant rocks in your belly. Mad props to her.

Perhaps the reason superior beings don’t fear death as we do is that they know the bigger picture, they know these lives are transitory, so they don’t mind dying for a cause, as they understand the purpose of this life in the bigger scheme of things. Knowing that the flux and flow between life and death is transient, they’ll be back in the right place and the right time as life requires it. In the same way, in traditional tarot the horse Death is riding, is stepping over a prone king, which symbolizes that not even royalty can stop change. Plava understands her role and accepts her death, after imparting wisdom to Dallas that Leeloo is still fragile and somewhat human, despite her seeming physical evolution.

This idea of Leeloo still being human, however, forms a key part of the ending, as up until this point she has been learning all of human history via an alphabetical database… When she learns of war, she loses hope in humanity after seeing the darker sides of our past. Certainly, we can’t blame her, humans are the only species to cut down a forest to make room for a billboard that says “stop deforestation”, I’d be pretty shocked about our history too. However, Korben’s love shows her that love is an undefinable thing, it’s not a stone like the other elements, but a feeling between people that permeates everything and is worth fighting and caring for.

It’s pretty funny that when it comes down to it, none of the characters actually know how to activate the super-love bomb. Leeloo doesn’t know what will happen, but she continues to follow her divine calling to be on that platform without second-guessing herself, even if she didn’t know at the end how to activate the final “weapon”..she follows her own inner voice and calling and is guided into defeating the darkness, speaking to the importance of following our intuition and own inner guide.

Ultimately love is shown to be something with no boundaries, no clear explanations, but still exists through us, changing our lives in powerful ways. And through thousands of years, it will stay as the most important thing worthy to fight for. It’s no accident that in a time of such modernized technologies and possibilities humanity once again has to turn to nature for help in the form of the elements. It reminds people that technology cannot always provide protection, it is nature that always has been the source of power, as it exists forever. And only things that are eternal, like nature and love, are of true significance. Today, it seems people either love or hate this movie, but whatever way the coin falls, it is undoubtedly a fun experience, and packed to the brim with spiritual wisdom!

So until next time, be mindful of what you do with the gift of life, cause we never know when a sentient evil planet might try and eat us. Toodles!

This video was created by Team Spirit Connect with the team at https://spiritsciencecentral.com/about

[dragmiire]

@hylianremnants / meme ;

“ are sins ever forgiven? ” ( wild is being contemplative. )

the hour was late, and as the sun dipped ever lower down the horizon, their lone fire became the only source of light. watching it spark and burn as he tossed an additional few sticks into its starved flames, ganondorf watched idly as embers took the sky to burn away to nothing, leaving behind only stars pockmarking the black canvas of night. they were lucky, indeed, it was a clear night. in spite of the heavy morning rains, the clouds had managed to clear by noon, and now, ganondorf could pardon the occasional chill breeze that cut through their makeshift camp so long as it was one not damp.

‘ we will have a long day tomorrow, ‘ ganondorf, no, dinmaire, sighed, sinking down upon one of the logs drug up as seats alongside the fire. dusk crept closer and closer with each day, and he knew that winter was coming. their journey to the shrines would only become that much more difficult, and ganondorf pursed his lips, wondering how many more they had left to find. the towers were easy enough, so high above the wild remains of hyrule, but the shrines...

are sins ever forgiven?

in the midst of prodding the gathered firewood back into proper order from where they had slipped with a spare branch, ganondorf froze, watching as the tip of his stick was slowly eaten to charcoal.

‘ ... what brings this up? ‘

golden eyes tilted upward to the boy opposite of him. in the beginning, link had barely known his own name, let alone his title. a knight, the scourge of the calamity, the bearer of darkness’s bane--when he awoke from his restorative slumber that had brought him from the brink of death, the cost was evident in his blank, unresponsive stare when still reacclimating to his own name. but, ganondorf knew well that memories sometimes came in sparks and moments, flashing before cerulean eyes as what he had lost crashed upon him in a ripping tide.

looking at him now, it did not seem this was one of those moments. that did not mean it was any less curious as to why the question had been asked.

‘ that is dependent on the one who has been sinned, ‘ ganondorf stated simply, finally retrieving the branch back. the tip had splintered away to ash, the remnants shaken off before he set it on the ground besides him. ‘ beg for forgiveness as you may, it does not mean it will change the heart of those you have slighted. ‘

ganondorf fell quiet for a beat, hands settling on his knees. they had fish to cook, trout caught in a nearby stream, but he hadn’t any appetite. likely enough, he’d be cooking it all for link’s bottomless pit of a gut. boy must have a growth spurt on the horizon.

‘ ... but, that does not mean those unforgiven cannot seek to better themselves, and find good in their hearts. the forgiveness of those you have hurt is not necessary in paving a road to your own betterment. ‘ ‘dinmaire’ studied link’s face. ‘ you barely remember who you are. do you think you are a sinner? ‘

[likeclockwcrk]

ok, so verses are on the to-do list, but i haven’t decided yet how im doing the page, so here’s a quick summary for folks!

OOT  : CANON EVENTS.

exactly what is on the tin--a catch-all verse for link at any stage of oot. a boy freshly launched into the world after finding he isn’t what he thought, with sword in hand link still bears a youthful aspiration to do right and is overwhelmingly full of hope, in spite of all of the horrors he witnesses. he can be seen either as a ten year old boy, or a budding seventeen year old man, however the mind is always the same--it is only the body that changes.

MM : CANON EVENTS.

with mental scars none can seen and memories of a tormented future burned into the backs of his eyes, link was returned to a time in which he could live a life of peace, though such was just hopeful thinking. restless knowing what he knows in a forest he does not belong, link, at age twelve, sets off on a journey to find a lost friend, while helping those along the way. he is quieter and less bubbly than he had been at the beginning of his journey, but his heart is still undoubtedly pure, and his will to do right by anyone he comes across remains sturdy.

OOT / MM : POST GAME.

link returns home empty-handed, and in the dead of night, packs up his things and leaves the kokiri forest.  the great deku tree always knew one day he would depart, and quietly sends a fairy to ensure none of the forest children would notice his absence, knowing that link did not need further emotional burden of bidding his friends goodbye. at age thirteen, link goes to lon lon ranch, where the kindly talon had offered years ago a place for him to stay, and when showing up at their doorstep in the early hours of dawn, with eyes that did not belong to a boy at such a tender age, talon did not think twice on sweeping him in and making him a part of their family unit. present day, link is twenty-five. an established soldier of the imperial army of hyrule, captain of zelda’s personal guard, he is wedded to malon and uses the skills he had acquired on his hero’s journey to further guard hyrule. known for his quiet, stoic outward appearance, malon would readily tell anyone otherwise that they simply needed to give him time, and they would see the sunny fairy boy that still was underneath. he had simply seen too much darkness, and needed time.

TP : CANON EVENTS.

the hero who had crossed the rivers of time was never truly known in the world he returned, and forgotten by the people he had saved until their time of reckoning arrived, though he never was to know this. haunted by what he had endured with little fruit to bear, never having the opportunity to find a successor who may protect hyrule in his absence, link’s soul lingered, tethered to the land he was perpetually stuck in between loving and hating. that is, until the hero’s spirit chose another--a boy from a small, homely village tucked into hyrule’s quieter corners. sensing hylia’s touch in him, link decided in that moment he would take the boy under his wing and guide him onto the warrior’s path, giving him the tools and resources necessary to slay evil, and to bring peace to his soul.

BOTW : PRE-CALAMITY / POST-CALAMITY.

ganondorf slain once more, link finally found rest--or so he had hoped, in spite of the restless, anxious thrum of his heart that knew there would be no peace. not for hyrule. not for him. allowing himself a deep slumber, it was the dark magic that slowly unfurled itself beneath hyrule’s unwitting populace that awakened him, stirring from the undisturbed spring of courage. incapable of truly passing on with the knowledge of his kingdom never knowing peace so long as ganon may still rise, link took up arms again, and ventured back into the world. in the time of his slumber, strength returned to him, and with hylia’s blessings, link was granted the privilege of returning to the body of his prime as he had once known it. his left eye remains heavily scarred shut from the wars in the era of time, but he need only a sturdy body and a reliable hand to wield his sword, and can make do with what else he suffers. he is always found in the clothes of a time bygone perpetually in an emerald green, and still carries the biggoron’s sword and traditional hylian shield passed down through the ages. before and after the calamity, link travels the kingdom as a lone wanderer, though after ganon has struck down hyrule, he assumes the form he finds most comfortable--a large, golden wolf, with fur with a faint ethereal glow, far more sizable than any of the wolves that prowl hyrule’s countryside.

[solitaria-fantasma]

((Session #7 shenanigans, GO!))

We’re skipping the filler stuff this week and jumping straight into the Plot bc our DM has figured out how to connect us to her main campaign and really wants to get to the good parts.

It’s been a while so we had to do a little discussing to remember where we’d left off: Destroying a dog-fighting ring, making friends with the dogs, and kidnapping the pit boss.

We dragged the pit boss halfway back to town bc we’d left our horses at the inn, and then dragged him into the woods to interrogate.

I woke him up with a slammin’ lute chord (and I was absolutely thinking “SECRET TUNNEEEEELLLLL!” in my head as I did).

Udaji rolled another ‘4’ on her Perception check and someone else in the voice chat said “yeah that’s on-brand for her”.

ZONE OF TRUTH! ZONE OF TRUTH! ZONE OF TRUTH!

(the pit boss calls the dogs ‘stupid animals’) “Someone needs to hold Udaji back, please.”

“Lord Hassan? Yeah, he’s the boss-.....I shouldn’t have said that.”

This poor man didn’t have a high enough intelligence to recognize the spell ‘Zone of Truth’ and is confused af right now.

The second piece of the map to the Crescent Gang’s Hideout was rolled up in a little bottle on a string around the pit boss’ neck - now we have two!

We asked where the third piece was, but the pit boss didn’t know - he gave us a few towns that he thought it might be in, though (such as Caister, in Everton).

Apparently, you need to layer all three map pieces over top of each other to see the full picture - like animation cells!

We asked about the marriage-murder scam, too, but the pit boss didn’t know anything important.

“If these bitches were cute enough then maybe-” *angry Dragonborn noises*

“Maybe we could feed him to the dogs?” “No way! Burnt Toast and Matthias Jr. need a well-balanced diet, not junk food.”

The only thing holding Udaji back from killing this man rn is Claus’ hand on her shin.

We leave the pit boss tied up in the wilderness, and he’s probably going to die. It’s a good thing none of us are Lawful Neutral.

The fastest way to Caister is by boat, which will take about one week, rather than two weeks if by land.

We have to pay to board the horses on the boat, but as long as the sailors were allowed to pet our new dogs, we didn’t have to pay for their boarding.

“What would you like to do on your two week boat ride?”/”I would like to train Matthias Jr. to play dead when shot with a pretend bow and arrow.”

Level Four! Yay!

We had barely landed in Everton when we heard an NPC shouting about a thief.

Mountain was too distracted trying to keep Señor Guapo from eating poison ivy to notice the commotion.

I have only just now realized that I did not include in my last session’s notes that the other two dogs are named “Señor Guapo” and “Joel”.

“Because Claus is a good boy and he is the conscience of this party.”

“We could also surround her. We number quite many.”

*insert Benny Hill theme here as the party & our dogs attempt to surround the suspected thief while our horses graze serenely a few meters away from the chaos*

The thief is a hungry young woman I don’t care what her role in the story is I have already mentally adopted her.

Mountain paid the farmer the five copper the carrots were worth, and the man stormed off, threatening to call the guard if we let her near his farm again.

“You offer her your rations, and she looks at you like you are God.”

The child is absolutely bewildered by the size of Ganondorf the Horse, but then she looked back at me (the Dragonborn) and whispered “Oooh, that makes sense…”

Soothing lute music is good for panic attacks and that’s about all Udaji’s good for right now.

Her name is Colette De Mir, and she claims to have fallen on hard times after receiving a letter pROPOSING MARRIAGE TO A LORD IN EVERTON OH NO-

She survived an attack on her traveling group, and was the only survivor. Lord Hassan tried to kill her, and threw her off of a bridge into a ravine, where she once again managed to cheat death. No-one else in her party survived, and everything in their carriage that could be stolen was.

Burnt Toast and Joel are therapy dogs: Confirmed.

Colette was horrified when we told her that she was not the only one who had been targeted by this scam, and demanded to know what we knew.

Matthias doesn’t trust her, for some reason, but the high Insight roll checks out.

“Yeeting princesses is not a very Lordly activity.”

Colette says she woke up underwater after the fall, and found herself breathing rather normally. What a way to find out you’re a sorcerer.

I lent her one of the costumes from my Entertainer’s pack, to replace her dirty and mismatched clothing as we go into town, and it’s WAY too big for her, considering it was sized for a Dragonborn.

Once we get to town, Astrid and I take Colette on a spa/shopping trip so that she can get cleaned up, and have some proper clothes.

At the inn, Colette tells us that she didn’t know that this town was Caister - she had been told that it was Kenkilly by the ship that had carried her and her entourage.

She was lied to about which town was which, basically, and - being from a completely different country - she had no idea.

Our money from Swadlin is still good in Everton, but almost all of the shopkeepers and merchants could pin us as tourists from our foreign currency.

Colette asks us to take her to Kenkilly, where Lord Hassan is supposedly supposed to be. Safety and strength in numbers, right?

Udaji - having been raised by an overprotective party of retired adventurers in a quiet, but populous, town - has no survival skills of her own.

For all intents and purposes, Colette is a Waterbender. 

Colette has a blue cloak that she tried to hide from the party, and took great care to dry and keep when changing clothes. It was a gift from her mother, meant to protect her.

When we set out the next morning, Colette rode with Astrid and got the tea (whether she wanted it or not) on the rest of the party.

“She has all the embarrassing stories on you, like what you do when you sleep.”/”Oh, no! She’s seen me cuddle my lute??”

Kenkilly is actually a small, rural village on the coast, rather than the larger city it had been made out to be in the letter to her family.

We track down some shady locals to try and get information, and we….are not subtle about it.

Between the Dragonborn, the Tiefling, two half-elves, a princess, and four dogs, we stand out quite a bit.

Matthias joined the shady people for a game of chance with dice, and won a bit of money, but no information.

Mountain joined in the betting, and Astrid is shit-talking both of them while Colette, Claus, and Udaji stand off to the side and watch.

Claus lasts about five minutes before he gives up trying to pretend we aren’t doing some shady BS and goes back to the inn to drink.

Mountain asks about the Crescent gang, but one guy asks for a bribe for his answer. Mountain tries to intimidate him, and fails miserably

Matthias also tried (and failed) to intimidate, but with Astrid’s help, the criminal was successfully intimidated.

Lord Hassan does indeed live in this town (or at least the castle nearby it), and he does not seem to be entirely well-liked by the people.

None of the complaints are super-bad, though….”trash day changes too much”, “the cost of living is too high”, “there’s too many damned foreigners-” Okay. Okay. We get the point.

“Udaji’s gonna look herself up and down from her boots to her flower crown and ask: “Do I look like a cop??’.”

“If we’re gonna ‘case this castle’, may I recommend not sending the Tiefling or the Dragonborn?”

Matthias goes out to scout, and finds out that Lord Hassan has ‘appointment times’ where he is available to the public - the next time being 2pm the next day.

He signs up the party for the 2pm meeting and comes back to the inn where the rest of us are waiting.

“I have been giving you guys tons and tons and TONS of money! You know you can spend it, right??”

The local armorer can upgrade our weapons with silver, but it would take two days, and we don’t expect to be in town that long...bummer.

I bought some new Studded Leather Armor for Udaji, sold her original Leather Armor, AND got it refined - my bby now has an AC of 16 now!

“Why do you still have all these rotten apples in your inventory?!”/”She’s fermenting them!”

Matthias’ player had him eat twenty rotten apples in one sitting just to spite the DM (their sister).

He then had to go throw up in the harbor.

So earlier, Matthias horribly embarrassed Astrid back in the alley, and now she’s refusing to talk to him.

Colette is confirmed for 19 and Udaji is still the baby of the party at 17.

The rest of the party is hanging out in the tavern, completely unawares, as Astrid yeets herself out a second story window to avoid talking to her father.

The innkeeper gave Udaji some alcohol, and Mountain casually stole it, drank it, and said “Underaged drinking is bad.”

Everyone goes around placing dinner orders at the inn and Udaji orders an entire chicken.

Astrid came back after brooding out in the wilderness for a few hours and we settled down to sleep.

Astrid steals a crown that Matthias had ‘found’ in an earlier session for Colette, arguing that “she’s actual royalty, and we’re going to talk to a Lord tomorrow, so we need to make the best impression”.

We also get a ‘glow-up’ montage as Astrid uses Matthias’ disguise kit to alter Colette’s appearance (bc if Lord Hassan really DID try to murder her, then walking straight back into his castle with no disguise would be a death sentence).

Still refusing to talk to her father, Astrid paid a very confused and slightly offended Colette to bring her breakfast in her room, just so she didn’t have to look at Matthias’ smug elven face.

Astrid also does not join us at the castle.

The Lord that we meet in the castle…..is NOT the same Lord that tried to kill Colette.

“It is kind of rude to show up for your scheduled appointment and just stand at the door, not saying anything.”

Colette storms past the party to demand an explanation of Lord Hassan, who is very unimpressed with this strange woman’s attitude.

“She’s a little upsetti spaghetti.”

Udaji’s soothing lute music saves the day again.

We tell the Lord that we are from the land of Swadlin, and were sent to investigate a series of deaths.

This Lord Hassan is a widower who is deeply faithful to his late wife and has no intentions of marrying again, and is VERY confused to hear that someone is using his name.

An advisor steps forward to take over the situation, and Matthias’ successful Insight roll gives him TERRIBLE vibes.

“He’s the kind of person whose teeth are too straight; too white.”

This advisor offered to pay us to investigate who was impersonating his Lord, and despite the bad vibes, Matthias agrees.

“Maybe DON’T intimidate the advisor while surrounded by guards.”

“He’s essentially offering you $7,000 EACH.”

We got sent off to investigate this impersonation of a Lord, and went back to the inn to try and shake off the Bad Vibes and calm Colette down.

Colette draws us a (rough) sketch of a frowning man with a pointed hairline and stiff moustache as the man who threw her off the bridge.

*two minutes of the DM (lovingly) insulting her cat in the background*

Colette says he was incredibly handsome, but Udaji just doesn’t see it.

We decide to try following the river upstream until we find a bridge that matches the one Colette was thrown off of.

Colette uses some of Matthias’ paper to write a letter to her parents, and asks Udaji to come with her to find a sailor to deliver it to her parents (for a modest fee).

The DM brought up the map and showed us the island of Mir, where Colette was from. It is a tiny dot out in the ocean, down in the far right bottom corner of the map. No wonder she needed to sail for two months!

“Matthias drinks one drink and then is blackout drunk.”/”Why do you think I have a kid?”

When we leveled up I took “Suggestion” as my next 2nd level spell, and I absolutely cannot wait to use it.

I CAN TAKE THE “DRAGON WINGS” RACIAL FEATURE AND GIVE UDAJI A 20FT WINGSPAN! Oooooooh boy the sTORYTELLING I can do with this!!!

[incorrectsmashbrosquotes]

Destiny Arrives

*The Halberd is an absolute wreck as shots are still fired at it from the Death Egg, the LoV having boarded and either beaten or killed most on board. Only a scant number of survivors remain, Sephiroth stepping over an injured Shadow the Hedgehog and speaking in a mocking tone.*

Sephiroth: Hear me, and rejoice. You have had the privilege of being saved by the Great Gerudo King. You may think this is suffering… No. It is salvation. Universal scales tip toward balance because of your sacrifice. Smile…

(Chara stabs one of the remaining Hylians, Bowser and Phosphora standing among the League as Sephiroth continues his speech)

Sephiroth: For even in death, you have become children…of Ganondorf.

(Hilda gives a hateful glare toward Sephiroth, then watches as Ganondorf stands shrouded in shadow, looking out the large window of the bridge with a semi conscious Link on the floor just behind him)

Ganondorf: I know what it’s like to lose. To feel so desperately that you’re right… yet to fail, nonetheless. (picks Link up by his Champion’s Tunic, Link struggling feebly) It’s frightening. Turns the legs to jelly. I ask you, to what end? Dread it. Run from it. Destiny arrives all the same. And now, it’s here. Or should I say… (Ganondorf brandishes his gauntlet, revealing that he once again possesses the Triforce of Power) I am?

Link: (eyes barely open, blood trickling from the corner of his mouth) You talk too much…

(Ganondorf grabs Link by the head with one hand, looking at Hilda)

Ganondorf: The Triforce of Courage, or your brother’s head. I assume you have a preference.

(Sephiroth smirks at Hilda while Phosphora and Chara stand ready to fight, while Bowser simply looms with his arms folded across his chest, all awaiting Hilda’s move)

Hilda: Oh, I do. Kill away!

(Ganondorf looks surprised at first, but smiles all the same as he brings his Triforce wielding fist toward Link’s head. Raw power begins to surge through him, Link fighting at first but quickly losing and beginning to hoarsely scream in anguish. Realizing her bluff was called, Hilda loses face and quickly gives in)

Hilda: …ALRIGHT, STOP!

(Ganondorf ceases his torment, Link immediately speaking up)

Link: We don’t have the Triforce of Courage. It was destroyed on Hyrule.

(Hilda gives Link a knowing, sheepish look, and then she holds her hand out. Soon, before everyone’s eyes, the Triforce of Courage materializes in her hand)

Link: (disappointed but not surprised) You…really are the worst, sister.

Hilda: (steps forward, not taking her eyes off Link, now being her turn to reassure him) I assure you, brother. The sun will shine on us once again.

Ganondorf: (gives a low laugh) Your optimism is misplaced, Hylian.

Hilda: (glares at Ganondorf) Well, for one thing, I’m not a Hylian. (notes the brief confusion in Ganondorf’s face) And for another… (smirks with a wicked glint in her eye) We have a Doom Slayer.

???: RIP AND TEAR!!!

(A figure on par with Ganondorf in size and stature comes out of nowhere and slams into his side, knocking Ganondorf off his feat and clear across the room as Hilda dives to catch Link and dropping the Triforce. As Ganondorf gets to his feat, the figure is revealed to be the Doom Slayer, known to his friends simply as “Doomguy.”)

Doomguy: RIP AND TEAR! RIP AND TEAR YOUR GUTS! (immediately begins to pummel Ganondorf, quickly getting him on the ropes) You’re HUGE! That means you have HUGE GUTS!!!

(Doomguy continues the savage, relentless beating and pins Ganondorf to a wall, both his hands wrapped around the Demon King’s neck. Bowser steps in to intervene, but Sephiroth stops him without a hint of concern)

Sephiroth: Let him have his fun.

(Ganondorf soon breaks the stranglehold, Doomguy surprised as he fights with all his might and anger, yet Ganondorf overpowers him and lands a crippling punch to the demon slayer’s throat, nearly knocking the wind out of him. Doomguy tries to fight back, but Ganondorf counters every attempted punch and lands his own attacks to many pressure points, Doomguy’s armor cracking and breaking off at certain spots. Finally a blow to the face renders Doomguy limp and his visor cracked, Ganondorf hoisting the fabled Doom Slayer above his head before finally slamming him down to the floor. The Doom Slayer is out cold. Out of desperation, Link rushes toward Ganondorf and hits him with a piece of steel scrap from the ship…only for it to break harmlessly over his shoulder. Ganondorf responds with a swift kick, sending Link flying backwards and into scrap steel bindings that Sephiroth prepared telepathically. Shadow, looking at Link and using the last of his energy, brandishes his Chaos Emerald and sets his sights upon Doomguy)

Shadow: Chaos…CONTROL!

(A rainbow beam is summoned that overtakes Doomguy and transports him back to Smash World, out of Ganondorf’s reach. Perturbed, Ganondorf takes Chara’s knife and walks toward Shadow)

Ganondorf: That was a mistake.

(Shadow gives Link one last, knowing look as Ganondorf stabs him through the heart)

Link: Noooooo!!!

(Ganondorf runs the knife further through, Shadow dropping the Chaos Emerald as the ultimate life form draws his last breath)

Link: (in anguish) You’re going to die for that! (Sephiroth waves his hand and wraps Link’s mouth shut with bits of scrap)

Sephiroth: (brings his fingers to his lips) Shhhh… (walks over and picks up the Triforce of Courage, then gets down on one knee and presents it to Ganondorf) Here you go big guy, your own personal bling. (Ganondorf begins to shed his battle armor, save for a select few pieces that leave him in a more casual look) On behalf of demons, devils, and monster everywhere, I am happy to give this to you... my King. (Ganondorf takes the Triforce of Courage and holds it in his hand, admiring it) The multiverse…lays within your grasp.

(Ganondorf combines the two Triforce pieces and a bright flash of light nearly blinds everyone, Ganondorf grimacing as the raw power surges through him. Soon, he adapts, and he looks immensely satisfied. He admires the two pieces glowing in his hand, and only one more to go)

Ganondorf: There are two shards of the Triforce of Wisdom on Smash World. (Looks at the present members of the LoV) Find them, and meet me on Arbiter’s Grounds.

(The league, save for Bowser, bows to Ganondorf)

Phosphora: Father, we will not fail you.

Hilda: If I may interject. (steps in, breaking the groveling up) If you’re going to Smash World, you’re going to need a guide. I do have a bit of… (bites her lip) experience in that arena.

Ganondorf: If you consider failure experience.

Hilda: I consider experience experience. (begins walking toward Ganondorf with a regal gait) Almighty Ganondorf. I, Hilda, Princess of Lorule… (looks over at Link, still bound) …Hyliakin. The rightful Queen of Lorule…Sage of Michief… (Link notices that Hilda is discreetly holding a dagger out of Ganondorf’s sight) do hereby pledge, to you…my…undying fidelity.

(Hilda bows…then makes her move, lunging upward to stick the dagger right into Ganondorf’s throat…only to freeze in place and stay motionless thanks to Ganondorf’s newfound power, the demon king smirking at her)

Ganondorf: Undying… (grabs Hilda’s arm, making her drop the dagger) You should choose your words more carefully.

(Ganondorf releases Hilda from his power, but not before grabbing her by the neck and lifting her off her feet, choking her as she struggles for her life and Link looks on horror struck. He struggles against his binds, but they do not give. Despite her position, Hilda stares into the demon king’s eyes and says her last, spiteful words)

Hilda: (breathless) You will…never be…….a god.

(Ganondorf gives Hilda an amused look as he increases his grip and squeezes the life from Hilda. Link screams through his steel gag, tears running down his face. Still holding Hilda’s limp, lifeless body, Gandonforf looks at Link and slowly steps toward him before dropping her at his knees)

Ganondorf: No resurrections this time.

(Ganondorf uses his power to completely decimate what remains of the Halberd, sending it on a course for destruction before teleporting himself and the LoV away. Link’s binding’s finally release him, leaving the hero to do nothing but crawl toward his fallen adoptive sibling and sadly embrace her)

Link: No…Hilda…

(Link lays his head into her shoulder as the Halberd finally explodes. Meanwhile, as Doomguy hurdles through time and space, Palutena and Rodin are descending the stairs of the Smash Mansion foyer as they discuss a vitally important topic; lunch)

Palutena: Seriously? You don’t have any money?

Rodin: Attachment to the material is detachment from the spiritual.

Palutena: (rolls her eyes) I’ll tell the guy’s at Tapper’s. Maybe they’ll make you a metaphysical ham and rye.

Rodin: Wait wait wait, I think I have 200.

Palutena: Gold coins?

Rodin: (smiles sheepishly) Zenny.

Palutena: Which is?

Rodin: (shrugs) A buck and a half?

Palutena: (sighs, realizing she’ll have to spot for him) What do you want?

Rodin: (feeling only just slightly guilty) I wouldn’t say no to a tuna melt.

(Suddenly a loud, massive crash and a giant rainbow beam burst through the roof of the Smash Mansion and through the stairway, Palutena and Rodin preparing themselves for battle and rushing to the new hole in the staircase. It’s then, to their surprise, they see Doomguy in the bottom of the hole, his armor damaged, his helmet gone, and a look on his face that nobody had ever seen in him before; fear.)

Doomguy: (grunts, panting) Ganondorf is coming…he’s coming…

[gamebunny-advance]

Bruh hot damn those were good duckhunt HC's. My question is what HC's do you have for Tabuus possible relationships with members/partys of the subspace army. (Bosses, generic enemy, etc)

Thanks a bunch! I kinda wanna do more with ‘em since they are a part of that retro nintendo characters group (and I main them a little bit). 

Anyway, as for Tabuu, that’s actually one I’ve thought about a little bit, so sit back and enjoy~

So outside of the enlisted fighters and other bosses, I believe that every member of the Subspace army was personally designed by Tabuu, so he doesn’t have any “personal” relationships with any of them and most of them were made to be tools for the army. That said, he does have a special affinity for a few of them and vice versa.

Primids: They were the first things he ever made, so they’ll always be a little bit special to him in spite of their many flaws. In reality, the Primid line wasn’t originally designed for combat and were instead made to populate Subspace as regular denizens. Since Tabuu was alone in Subspace, he decided to try his hand at creating a living creature. The Primids were a success, but they weren’t very complex and weren’t able to keep up the illusion of a functioning society. However, as Tabuu decided to launch an attack on the World of Trophies, he outfitted a few of them with different weapons to make them more suited for combat, but the base model is still relatively weak. Primids are as loyal to Tabuu as the ROB Squad was to ROB, so they’d do anything he asked of them.

Poppants: Originally these were a primid variation. For some reason, they all have severe social anxiety which makes them ineffective for combat, but since he didn’t want to throw them away, he gave them all treats and presents to help them at least make friends with the other mooks. Still, the poppants are only really comfortable around Tabuu and only the bravest of the poppants were able to actually participate in the invasion and only did so as to not completely disappoint him.

Mites: He’s not really sure why he made such a weak a creature to begin with, but somehow they make him feel nostalgic for something he doesn’t remember. Because of this, he made a ton of them without thinking, so if left unchecked they’d easily overtake Subspace with their sheer numbers. So many were left over after Subspace was closed off that Master Hand used them for the Smash Run mode and some were even around to get caught up in Galeem’s beams. Despite being so weak, the mites are some of the most eager soldiers fighting for Subspace. They’re probably trying to prove their worth to Tabuu (just like another flat-someone).

Towtows: He made their fur incredibly soft so that he wouldn’t have to sleep on the hard Subspace ground (instead of ya know, just making himself a bed). He made them aggressive when awoken so he could justify essentially making a living mattress.

Galleom: His second experiment with Subspace bombs. He created Galleom to determine if R.O.Bs were truly required to effectively activate Subspace bombs. Galleom’s report determined that R.O.Bs were indeed unnecessary for the deployment of Subspace bombs, so work on the Subspace gunship began shortly after Galleom’s defeat. He programmed Galleom to self-destruct should it encounter beings strong enough to destroy it so that the threats could be eliminated before they could pose a further threat to his plans. Although he sees Galleom as just another tool in his arsenal, he does feel personally offended that it was stolen from him by Galeem.

As for bosses/fighters he recruited, none of them knew about his true identity except for Mr. G&W and R.O.B. who knew from the beginning. For most of the non-playable bosses, he chose them based on the grudges they already had with some of the other fighters, believing that if he lent his support that they’d be able to defeat their enemies and thus aid him in his own goals for sinking the world into Subspace. Under the guise of Master Hand, he was easily able to convince them to join because no one’s gonna talk back to the giant magical hand that literally brought them into the world. 

Special mention goes to Ganondorf who was able to convince Tabuu to allow the Isle of the Ancients to be used as the launch spot of the Subspace gunship. Although Tabuu complied with this suggestion since it was the most logical solution (why move out the bombs to more a remote location when they were already sitting there with their detonators close by?), it was enough to convince him that Ganondorf was not someone to be trusted, so he dispatched him as quickly as possible, revealing his true identity in the process, making Ganon 1 of 3 fighters that ever knew that Tabuu was controlling Master Hand.

If you want to count Master Hand as a “member” of the army: Tabuu was incredibly jealous of Master Hand’s ability to create such intricate mini-worlds and bring in so many people together when his own creation ability could not, and is part of the reason that the World of Trophies was targeted. Tabuu lured Master Hand into Subspace to capture him for his schemes. Although, even as he was captured, with what little will power he had, Master Hand tried to convince Tabuu that what he was doing was wrong, but to no avail. After Tabuu’s defeat and Master Hand’s recovery, Master Hand is still a little regretful that there wasn’t more he could have done to save Tabuu from himself. In my AU where Tabuu survives his defeat but is severely weakened, Master Hand takes it upon himself to stabilize Tabuu’s form so he can continue to exist the World of Trophies so he can hopefully learn what makes the world worth living in.

I could write a whole other essay about how he relates to Mr. G&W and R.O.B., but I’ll save that for another day.

In general, I see Tabuu as a highly reserved (maybe even anti-social) person who only shows even minimal affection to the things that he’s made and/or controls. He’s a little softer on people/things that he sees himself in, but I don’t see him with many deep/healthy relationships with the other characters (until he gets some major character development). 

[crusherthedoctor]

Sonic Villains: Sweet or Shite? - Part 11: THE MONSTERS OF THE WEEK

There are some villains I like. And there are some villains I don’t like. But why do I feel about them the way I do? That’s where this comes in.

This is a series of mine in which I go into slightly more detail about my thoughts on the villains in the Sonic the Hedgehog franchise, and why I think they either work well, or fall flat (or somewhere in-between). I’ll be giving my stance on their designs, their personalities, and what they had to show for themselves in the game(s) they featured in. Keep in mind that these are just my own personal thoughts. Whether you agree or disagree, feel free to share your own thoughts and opinions! I don’t bite. :>

Anyhow, for today’s installment, we’ll be cancelling our flight to Tokyo as we look up at the impressive size of a particular recurring brand of foe in Sonic's universe: the Monsters of the Week. (Excluding Chaos, who we've already covered.)

So for reasons that should be obvious, this edition of Sweet or Shite is going to be a little different. Seeing how we’re covering more than one villain - and since you can only say so much about characters who aren’t really characters - this will instead be a series of mini-reviews, one after another, for each monster. I figured this was the best course of action since the alternative would be to go back and forth constantly between the monsters, and that would just be messy.

Also, none of these guys have much in the way of personality aside from “DESTROY FUCKING EVERYTHING GRRRRRRR”, so I’m not even going to bother analysing their “personalities”. Everything else will be the same as usual, of course.

And yes, I’m treating Iblis and Solaris as individual monsters. Because they barely have anything in common despite being the same beast.

Right then, we’ve got a lot of these king-size bastards to cover. Let’s go.

------

MONSTER #1: THE BIOLIZARD

The Gist: In the endgame for Sonic Adventure 2, the late Professor Gerald Robotnik was revealed to have programmed his Space Colony A.R.K. to crash down to the planet and destroy it should the Eclipse Cannon be equipped with all seven Chaos Emeralds. The heroes and villains teamed up to combat this threat (thus completely negating the game's Hero VS Dark selling point), and together, they made their way to the cannon's core.

What they didn't expect however was for their target to be guarded. In order to stop the A.R.K. from falling, they were forced to deal with the Biolizard, Gerald's original attempt at creating the Ultimate Lifeform before he decided to take a page from the Sonic OC booklet with his second attempt, Shadow. Thanks to seeing the error of his ways courtesy of one Amy Rose, Shadow himself confronted his older sibling, and Knuckles used the Master Emerald to cancel out the power of the Chaos Emeralds, thus preventing the A.R.K's collision...

Just kidding. As if to laugh at the very idea of Knuckles actually having a useful role in this game beyond treasure hunting fodder, the Biolizard immediately used Chaos Control to assume direct control of the A.R.K. in order to continue its collision course. Sonic and Shadow had no choice but to go Super, and with their powers combined, the Biolizard was beaten for good, the A.R.K. was stopped once and for all, and Shadow died but not really.

Sonic and Shadow were hailed as heroes. Even though everyone else contributed too. But apparently, only the heroes with super forms are allowed to be on the President's desk.

The Design: The Biolizard is a failed prototype, and it shows.

He's gonna sweep them bitches off their feet with a face like that.

Surprisingly, I actually dig his design. It's a bit messy, sure, but that works to his benefit in this case, since as a failed creation who demands a life support system just to function, it's justified within the context. It's a cool mesh of organic and technology, and it perfectly demonstrates the horrors that can come with trying to play God and creating life.

Unfortunately, his final form is underwhelming. He "fuses" with the A.R.K, but don't get your hopes up. It's the same design as before, only... well...

Yeah. It's just... right up there. All the way through.

The Execution: The Biolizard technically doesn't come out of nowhere, since there's a Dark Story cutscene that foreshadows his existence. But he still feels very WTF in spite of that. This adventure involving G.U.N, Dr. Eggman, and a feud between two hedgehogs, and this thing is the final challenge? It doesn't help that despite the relation, he feels very disconnected to Shadow's story when compared to Gerald, Maria, etc. (And yet ironically, he's the most interesting part IMO.)

So in regards to proper build up for a final boss, he's a bit shit. But since I like his design, and since his theme music is kickass, I'll give him a little step up. Just a little one.

Crusher Gives the Biolizard a: Thumbs Sideways!

------

MONSTER #2: IBLIS

The Gist: In the future, everything was a shitehole. This was due to a terrible beast known as Fire Chaos Iblis, who spread his penchant for destruction everywhere he went, leaving behind nothing but ruins in the process. A young hedgehog named Silver, and his friend named Blaze, have fought him for a very long time at the expense of Blaze's actual backstory, but nothing they could do kept Iblis down for long. Desperate to save their world, they followed the advice of comic relief character Mephiles the Dark, which was to find the so-called Iblis Trigger of the past via time travel, and destroy him. That Iblis Trigger was none other than Sonic the Hedgehog himself.

Except not. Turns out the guy with no mouth and snake eyes named after Mephistopheles wasn't all that trustworthy, and was using Silver for his own purposes. Undaunted, Silver continued to do a bunch of things that meant little-to-nothing, before finally defeating Iblis for definite because... he was stronger this time, I guess?

But Zoinks, Scoob! He couldn't seal Iblis away! Luckily and unluckily for him, Blaze was able to do so, and with a few emotional parting words, she vanished from Silver's time to get ready for a better game stop the threat of Iblis. That's not the end of Iblis' story however, because as it turns out, he's only part of something even more destructive... Also, Silver and Blaze didn't achieve anything anyway since Mephiles unleashed Iblis in the present time after killing Sonic.

Lol.

The Design: Get ready for a trilogy of fatigue.

You have Phase 1, which is just a clump of lava with some arms:

Good at mix tapes though.

Phase 2 is a replica of his Iblis Worm minions, but bigger. That's it.

Even he looks tired.

And for Phase 3, he finally realises he should probably try to look more worthy of a main baddie, but it still falls flat due to his ridiculous anchor feet:

"~Lava bone's connected to the fire bone~"

On the whole? Wank.

The Execution: He's from Sonic '06. What do you think?

Outside of being a lame version of Chaos, what else is there to say?

Crusher Gives Iblis a: Thumbs Down!

------

MONSTER #3: SOLARIS

The Gist: Remember Iblis? The guy I just talked about? Well he wasn't brought into existence as Iblis, but rather Solaris, the flame of hope. A time-dwelling entity of sorts, the kingdom of Soleanna had worshipped him for as long as they've lived, for reasons that can best be described as "fuck knows". In particular, Soleanna's ruler, the Duke, was devoted to harnessing the power of Solaris for the sake of being able to control time itself, and thus bring his wife back from the dead.

Sure enough, he joined her once more... by ironically getting himself killed in an accident during one of his experiments on Solaris, which also happened to split the entity into two different beings: the raw power named Iblis, and the subconscious named Mephiles the Dark. Before he died however, the Duke made the brave and heroic sacrifice of sealing Iblis - the fiery demon of death - within his own daughter, with the added deal of her never being able to cry unless that demon gets free, because who cares, she was adopted anyway.

She's guaranteed to be a strong queen if she can withstand a lifetime's worth of severe heartburn.

Anyway, the Duke got a Game Over, Silver the Hedgehog left a Chaos Emerald in his daughter's presence at the expense of the overall Sonic the Hedgehog continuity, and that was that. Ten years later, Sonic and Eggman had a tussle in Soleanna that I'm not even going to bother talking about because it's that unimportant, and eventually the aforementioned Mephiles gives Sonic a Game Over, causing Princess Elise to cry and thus release Iblis. Mephiles, the shadowy hedgehog, then uses the Chaos Emeralds to rejoin with Iblis, the fire lizard, to become Solaris, the bird made of light... Okay then.

Solaris threatens to consume all of time and space, but before he can do that, his decision to throw the Chaos Emeralds away like disused wrappers comes back to bite him in the ass, because through his friends' wise decision to collect them all, Sonic is brought back to life, and in his super form at that. Together, with Super Shadow and Super Silver, they kick Solaris' shit in, until it reverts to its original form of a tiny flame, and after some hesitance born from the sorrow of losing her biggest friendship, Elise ultimately makes the right decision and blows out the flame, thus creating a new future where Solaris - and the events of Sonic the Hedgehog 2006 in general - never happened.

Does that mean the Duke is alive? What does Soleanna worship now that Solaris never existed? Who knows, who cares, I'm already getting bored talking about these guys.

The Design: Unlike with Iblis, I actually like Solaris' forms, since there's an attempt to give them some elegance rather than just making them generically ugly. Even if Phase 1 looks as though he's got a steering wheel on his back...

Literally at the helm.

And Phase 2 looks like it could be desecrated by the Dark Lord Ganondorf at any moment...

"Who wants a hug?"

But overall? I like them.

The Execution: It's still '06, so his chances aren't looking good. I WOULD give Solaris some leeway since like with the Biolizard, I like his designs and his music (though I'm that weird guy who prefers Phase 1's music)...

Buuuuuut he's still the endgame of an absolutely shitty and plothole-infested narrative. And he's technically Mephiles, so...

Crusher Gives Solaris a: Thumbs Down!

------

MONSTER #4: IFRIT

The Gist: Iblis got its own ripoff.

That ripoff's name was Ifrit.

It was in Sonic Rivals 2.

Eggman Nega sought to unleash it.

And it liked to feed on Chao, allegedly.

......

So anyway, how's your sex life?

The Design: Despite being the younger sibling, it's design is arguably better than that of Iblis. It's still nothing amazing mind you, but it's got a Firebird thing going on, so that alone makes it more pleasing to look at than any of Iblis' forms. And if it were in a fully 3D game rather than on the PSP, it would probably look a lot better with its visuals too.

Ifrit wants a belly rub!

The Execution: He shows up at the end to get killed.

Next.

Crusher Gives Ifrit a: Thumbs Down!

------

MONSTER #5: DARK GAIA

The Gist: One day, Dr. Eggman decided to have yet another go at controlling a giant monster. This resulted in the events of Sonic Unleashed, which started off with a bang when after a spectacle of action and destruction in the far reaches of space, Sonic was lured into a devilish trap by the wicked scientist. Using the negative energies of the Chaos Emeralds, Eggman fired a laser that literally broke the planet apart, in an attempt to unleash (HA!) the being sleeping within the planet's core: Dark Gaia.

Those negative energies also turned Sonic into a bizarre werewolf-hedgehog hybrid, which wasn't intentional on Eggman's part, but he dealt with him easily by letting him fall all the way down to the planet... along with the sapped Chaos Emeralds. Oops.

With the help of a strange little guy with amnesia named Chip, Sonic and his new alter-ego - the Werehog - went on a grand day out to find the Gaia Temples around the world, with the idea being to restore the Emeralds' energy one by one. All the while, Dark Gaia kept... existing, and Eggman tried to stop them. Eventually, it's revealed that Chip, bog standard comic relief that he is, was in fact Light Gaia all along, the fated nemesis of Dark Gaia. After all, you can't have dark without light, just as you can't have light without dark.

"I wish I knew how to quit you... and this boss fight."

Same song and dance from then on. Dark Gaia pops up, Sonic and Chip beat it, Gaia gets angry and transforms, then they beat it again with Super Sonic. Chip says goodbye as he prepares to sleep for nearly an eternity to keep Dark Gaia at bay, which could be seen as a metaphor for how I'm close to falling asleep for eternity due to how genuinely exhausting it is to talk about these non-characters.

The Design: I really do not like Dark Gaia's design. Outside of the purple tentacles, which are admittedly pretty cool, he's just a stick with eyes and teeth. That's all he is.

Nice nail polish, prick.

And when he becomes Perfect Ultra Mega Dark Gaia 2: The Return of Jafar, what does he transform into? ...A stick with MORE eyes and teeth.

"I'm never drinking Chaos Cola again, Chip."

So yeah. His design is boring. And he could do with eating more.

The Execution: Dark Gaia is at least set up from the beginning rather than showing up haphazardly towards the end, but that's about all the praise I can give it. Despite everything to do with Chip, the Gaia Temples, and the Gaia Manuscripts, there's still not nearly enough to make Dark Gaia truly stand out. It's the personification of the world's darkness, and it's involved in a cycle with Light Gaia... what else? What else is there for me to care about?

Also, its boss fight was the worst, and coming after the Egg Dragoon, it was like a slap in the face. Say what you will about the guy below, at least you can deal with him quickly.

Crusher Gives Dark Gaia a: Thumbs Down!

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MONSTER #6: TIME EATER

The Gist: Young Sonic was on his merry way, then a time monster showed up to cause trouble... in time. Young Sonic was thus forced to team up with Older Sonic to combat this threat.

So they did.

......

At least Eggman was in control this time. Or Eggmen, rather.

"Did I ever tell you the time I wrote about how Sonic the Hedgehog had it pretty rough lately...?"

The Design: Not too bad, actually. Sure, it looks like a stereotypical ghost at first...

"WHAZAAAAAAAAPPPP"

...But once it's revealed to be mechanized by the Eggmen, we see its true, clockwork-esque form:

Might want to get those boils checked, buddy.

As a robotic Frankenstein abomination, I really like its time aesthetic, and its twitching and whirring, as if it's trying in vain to fight back against the Eggmen's control. Like the Biolizard, the context allows it to be a bit hideous, and it still looks cool despite that.

The Execution: Am I going to give the Time Eater a complete free pass just because it's the one that Eggman successfully controlled? No. I will freely admit that there was not enough to establish it in a way that felt satisfying, and some would say to a worse extent than Solaris or Dark Gaia.

But here's the thing: I'm more willing to let these things slide if the game isn't forcing me to try and care about it. Or to put it in another way, the plot of Sonic Generations may very much be an excuse plot in its purest form, and that will always be a shame, but that's actually why I don't mind this as much. Generations isn't pretending that the Time Eater is anything more than what it is. It's not hyping it up without being able to back its "lore" up. It's nothing more than the justification for why we're having this adventure. And since Eggman is the real baddie pulling the strings anyway, I look at Time Eater as a plot device used by Eggman, than as an actual entity of its own.

Note that I'm not saying this is ideal. I'd have loved it if Generations had more of a story, and I'd have loved it if Time Eater had more lore behind it to back it up. But I'm explaining why I'm not so harsh on it as I am with Dark Gaia or Iblis, who their respective plots tried so hard to make me care about as big bad threats, only for it to fail miserably due to how mind-numbingly boring they are. It's a lesser of two evils situation, and I'm just giving my stance on it.

Plus, again, I actually like Time Eater's design. And Eggman did succeed with it...

Crusher Gives Time Eater a: Thumbs Sideways!

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So that’s it then. That’s your lot for today. Some of them are okay, most of them are crap, none of them are as good as Chaos. I apologise if this edition of Sweet or Shite felt a bit rushed or shoddy, but in my defense, it's hard to say much for these guys, and I try not to be too repetitive.

......

Here’s a Shadow for you.