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areislol · 6 months ago

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"i'm gonna marry mama when i'm older!"

pairings. argenti, aventurine, blade, boothill, dr. ratio, gallagher, gepard, dan heng/imbibitor lunae, jing yuan, luocha, sampo, welt, jiaoqiu, moze x afab/fem! reader

warnings. fluff, wife! reader, use of "mama", "papa" and "mommy" and "daddy", [c/n] = child's name, sampo being sampo, lots of girl dads

a/n. baby fever hit me. #foreverwithmybabydaddy

wordcount. 4.7k

synopsis. how do they react to their child wanting to marry you, his wife?

playfully teases your child

sampo —

✧ "well, well, seems like i've got a little competitor! but you’ll need more than charm to steal your mom away from me!"

✧😐😐 <- how he actually feels inside

✧ listen, sampo LOVES his little him to DEATH. but for some odd reason hearing his son suddenly burst out saying that he was going to marry you made his face go all sour and ugly.

✧ but he knows that he you would never allow that and that it was all fun and games, still, his smirk grows larger as his son barks back. "nuh uh!! mama loves me more than you, so i will marry mama first! not you!"

✧ a loud, audible, dramatic, heartbroken, gasp can be heard from sampo's wide open mouth, letting out a strangled noise. "you!! never!! my wife loves me more than you!" you let out an exasperated sigh, watching as your husband and your son bickered back and fourth on who you loved more.

✧ "c'mon!! tell him that you love me more than him!" "that would break his heart, sampo! absolutely not!" "but... he's breaking my heart..." ah, there goes his little pout and his puppy eyes that always magically work on you.

✧ "come on... please? pretty please? I'M BEGGING YOU I'M LOSING THIS ARGUMENT TO OUR SON!!!"

✧ your eyes flicker between sampo and your son. sampo is begging you, clinging onto the hem of your shirt as his kneels down while your son on the other hand is staring at his father in confusion and.. embarrassment? you stifled your laughter back, the sight of your six-year-old child giving his own dad a stink eye was hilarious.

✧ "are you laughing at me...?" sampo looks up at your face, eyeing your expressions and follows your gaze, turning his head he faces his son who stares right back at him. "oh..."

✧ "daddy why are you always doing weird things?"

aventurine —

✧ aventurine would laugh heartily and say, "oh, planning to take my spot, are you? well, you’ve got some big shoes to fill!" he’d probably challenge his child to a fun, friendly competition to see who can win over their mom’s heart.

✧ he knows that his child actually has no chance in marrying you, but hey, it's worth a shot to see how far they'll actually go.

✧ "babe!! little [c/n] here wants to marry you~" he says, beckoning for you to side beside him, your child's eyes sparkled at the sight of you sitting down beside him, they grip on your leg, hugging it tightly.

✧ "can i really marry you when i'm older?" you cock your head to the side, eyeing aventurine and your child. "what's all this about?" you asked, aventurine simply pulled you in close to him, his arm wrapped around your waist as he hoists his child up and onto his lap. "mmm... nothing really. so, who do you want to marry, me or this little kid here?"

✧ you caressed your child's hair, letting out a hum in thought. "well... [c/n] i'm already married to daddy..." you replied, and gosh do you feel your heart crumble into a million pieces when you see your child pout, their chubby cheeks prominent. b—but..."

✧ "it's alright sweetie, you can still try, but i don't think mommy will ever marry you—" "WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" "WHY ARE YOU—"

✧ in the end you calm your baby down with aventurine who's gripping his shirt over his heart. both you and aventurine settled on letting your child compete with his dad in trying to prove themselves to "marry you one day". once they're put to sleep in their room, aventurine hugs you from behind, his arms snaking around your waist.

✧ "you only want me, right?" he sighed, face nuzzling in your neck. "well of course you're my husband. but don't get their hopes up too high okay? or else they might start crying in your ears again." you laughed. aventurine only let out yet another sigh, leading you away from your child's room.

✧ "child or not i don't want anyone else who wants to be with my wife."

moze —

✧ moze immediately perked his ehad up at the sound of his daughter's voice.. wait.. did he hear her correctly?

✧ though his face remained stoic as ever, the corner of his mouth curls into a smirk. he turns to his child, raising an eyebrow with his typical quiet intensity. "you want to marry your mother?" he asks, his voice low but carrying just the right amount of teasing. "you’re going to have to be real smooth if you want to outshine me."

✧ his gaze flicks to you for just a second, a glint of warmth in his otherwise composed demeanour. then, in true moze fashion, he quickly shifted gears, leaning casually against the wall, arms crossed, as he continued to joke around with his child.

✧ "do you even have a plan? flowers? chocolates? you’re up against some serious competition here," moze adds, his tone dry but playful.

✧ despite his typically reserved nature (but over time you got to really know the true moze and not the 'crow feathered weirdo'), moze had a way of making these rare moments with his family feel special. he ruffles his child’s hair, his smirk widens slightly. "maybe i’ll teach you a thing or two, but you’ll need to practice. being this smooth doesn’t come easy."

✧ moze glances at you again, his silent affection shining through in the way his eyes softened when they landed on you. though he wasn’t one for long speeches or grand gestures, his love for his family was always clear in these moments.

✧ he continues keeping his child entertained with more jokes and a rare display of his dry wit. though he acted cool and composed, these were the moments that he held onto, the ones that made him forget, if only for a while, about the covert world he was usually immersed in.

✧ "seems like i've got competition.. i won't easily be beaten though."

overprotective about you

gepard —

✧ gepard would likely have a soft, almost tender smile when he hears his child say they want to marry you, their mother, his wife. his voice would be gentle, filled with a mixture of pride and love.

✧ "marrying your mother is an honor and a responsibility. you must be ready to protect and care for her, just as i do."

✧ he would explain that love is about more than just affection—it's about commitment, duty, and being there for each other through thick and thin. kneeling down to his child’s level, he places a hand on his child’s shoulder, offering a reassuring squeeze as he speaks.

✧ "if you're willing to do all those things then i think mommy wouldn't mind if you proposed to her." and oh does he thank the lord every day for blessing him with his child whose eyes sparkled at his encouraging words. "mhm mhm! i will!" and such chubby cheeks too.. he pinches them affectionately, a tender smile on his face.

✧ even after the conversation ends, he gazes lovingly at you, feeling grateful for the family you've built together.

✧ gepard stands behind you, arms snaked around your waist, his much larger and warm palms resting on your stomach, he hums softly on your head, kneading the soft fabric of your shirt. yeah, he could definitely get used to this life.

✧ "maybe [c/n] wouldn't mind another sibling, hm?"

blade —

✧ blade’s initial reaction would be a mix of surprise and seriousness. (though your daughter probably can't read his expression) you were out shopping and left your child an your husband together in her room, it was trashed with toys, toys and more toys...

✧ blade was subjected to his daughter's antics, but of course he allowed her to do her thing (reluctantly). out of nowhere, she spoke, her words catching him off guard.

✧ "i'm gonna marry mama!" "...no you won't." "i will!" "...."

✧ "......................................................"

✧ blade leans down slightly, his intense gaze locking with his child’s eyes. there’s a seriousness to him, one that contrasts with the lightheartedness of the situation. his voice is calm yet firm

✧ "love is not something to be taken lightly," he begins, his tone gentle but unwavering. he wants his child to understand that while the sentiment is touching, the reality behind such words is far more intricate. "when you say such things, make sure you understand the weight of your words."

✧ weight?? of your words?? what does that even mean???? <- your poor, confused child. blade sighs, what was he thinking? could this little child of his understand his words?

✧ blade watches his child closely, looking for signs of understanding despite knowing that inside the depths of his daughter's eyes, is nothing. just pure bliss and not living naively in the world.

✧ he’s aware that she's still young, that the world of love and marriage is something that shouldn't concern them (blade is never letting his precious daughter marry anyone let alone DATE). yet, he also knows that these early lessons are important. he wishes to prepare her, to ensure she grows up strong and resilient.

✧ blade’s gaze softens just slightly, though his posture remains firm. he’s not one to easily show affection, but there’s a quiet tenderness in the way he holds himself at this moment. his child’s innocent declaration has stirred something within him, something he rarely allows himself to feel. ✧ "alright alright, fine. stop sulking."

✧ "YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!"

boothill —

✧ "you’re serious about that, huh? well, you’ve got to be strong and steady if you want to take care of someone like your mother."

✧ gosh, he's just so elated with the fact that little him gets him!! like, who wouldn't want to marry you? exactly!!! he gets it!!

✧ his rugged exterior momentarily softened by their innocent declaration. his voice would be slightly gruff, but there's an underlying warmth that shows how much he cares.

✧ when his child suddenly declares that they want to marry their mother when they grow up, he doesn’t make a big show of it. instead, he quietly observes the interaction, a small, almost imperceptible smile playing at the corners of his lips. boothill gives his child a small and gentle squeeze on the shoulder, shaking him ever so slightly, acknowledging the sweetness of the moment, but he doesn’t say much.

✧ but deep down, boothill just wants to lunge himself at his child, smothering them in his love, but refrains from doing so, remembering your words. "don't tackle him or anything, he's still small and fragile!!"

✧ ruffling his hair, boothill picks up his son up in his arms, a grin forming on his lips as he feels the all too familiar grubby hands gripping his hat, tilting it to the side, a fit of giggles erupted, apparently the sight of his hat covering the side of his face was hilarious.

✧ "is it really that funny, junior?" he sighed, carefully hoisting him up to make it more comfortable for the both of them. "ah whatever, let's wait for mama to come back from shopping alright?"

✧ at the mention of your name your son's head perks up, stopping his giggles. "mama!" he exclaims, this time fully yanking his hat off. boothill shakes his head at his actions.

✧ he knows that love is complicated, something that can’t be fully understood at a young age. to him, this is a reminder of the purity of a child’s love—something untainted by the complexities of adult life.

the romantic

jing yuan —

✧ "ah, you’ve got good taste, my little one. but remember, love is a journey, one that requires patience and understanding." he’d likely share a romantic story or two, expressing his deep affection for you, his wife.

✧ jing yuan would smile warmly at his girl's declaration. how sweet of her to be wed to you, although he knows it's impossible, he couldn't break his sweet child's heart.

✧ jing yuan would chuckle softly, his hand ruffling his little one's hair as she gazed up at him with bright, innocent eyes. "you've got quite the ambition, my dear."

✧ his golden eyes would soften as he exchanged a warm glance with you, his wife. "i think mommy might like that idea," he’d tease, his deep voice carrying a note of affection.

✧ kneeling down to his child's height, jing yuan leans in closer, his smile widening. "but you know, love isn't just about weddings or promises. it’s about cherishing someone every day, even in the little things."

✧ he’d pull you both into a gentle embrace, his strong arms encircling his family. "besides, your mother already has my heart. but maybe… just maybe, you can help me take care of her, too."

✧ the child would beam, feeling proud and important, while jing yuan would place a soft kiss on your forehead, his eyes twinkling with amusement. "looks like i’ve got some competition," he'd say playfully, causing you both to laugh.

✧ later, as he tucks your little one into bed and he whispers, "you’ll find your own special someone one day, but for now, let’s make sure mommy knows how much we both love her."

imbibitor lunae —

✧ a soft, knowing smile would spread on his face, his ethereal gaze settling on his child with a tender warmth. "ah, to marry your mother… a noble thought indeed. the bond between two souls is sacred, built on trust and mutual respect," he’d say, his voice as serene as a breeze.

✧ he then turns his gaze to you, his eyes reflecting centuries of love. "your mother is a rare treasure indeed, and i’m glad to see you understand this at such a young age." His words are gentle yet profound.

✧ kneeling down gracefully, he’d gently lift his child’s hand, brushing a thumb across their tiny fingers. "but love is not something to be rushed. it’s like the moon in its cycle—waxing, waning, yet always returning to full."

✧ imbibitor lunae would most likely recite a beautiful verse from an ancient text, encapsulating the sacredness of love and family: “like the stars embracing the night sky, so too shall our hearts stay intertwined across the ages.”

✧ with a chuckle, he’d then stroke the child’s cheek softly. "but until you’re older, why not help me look after her? there’s much to learn in the way of love and care."

✧ he’d then pull both you and your child close, his comforting and grounding presence enveloping the moment in peace. "together, we are strong. perhaps one day, you’ll find your own soul to cherish as I do your mother."

argenti —

✧ argenti throws his head back with a booming laugh, his hand ruffling his child’s hair with infectious enthusiasm. "ah, such noble sentiments! you wish to marry your mother? how valiant!" his eyes would gleam with pride, and he’d turn to you with an exaggerated, theatrical gasp. "it seems i’ve been bested by our own child!"

✧ with a dramatic flourish, he’d lift you off your feet, spinning you in a playful circle before setting you down (with you playfully smacking his arm), his voice filled with lightheartedness.

✧ "but alas! your mother has already claimed my heart, dear one."

✧ to celebrate his child’s declaration (yes, have i ever mentioned that argenti is absolutely dramatic??), argenti would likely organize a spontaneous "family adventure." he’d gather some flowers from a nearby meadow or call forth a small spectacle of radiant lights from his sword, creating a miniature show. "we shall offer these as a tribute to the queen of our hearts—your mother!"

✧ he would encourage the child to present the gathered flowers or lights to you, his smile proud as his child participated in the grand romantic gesture. "together, we shall shower her with the love and admiration she so rightfully deserves!"

✧ later, as you all relaxed beneath the stars, argenti would point to the sky, his voice soft yet brimming with passion. "you see those stars, little one? each one shines with the love i have for your mother. and someday, you will understand how to shine just as brightly."

✧ argenti has never been prouder of his little one. "for now, my brave one, let’s continue showering her with love, for the greatest battles are not won with swords but with the heart."

the pragamtist (will break your child's heart)

welt —

✧ welt smiles slightly, the corners of his mouth lifting in that thoughtful, knowing way of his. "that’s very sweet of you," he’d say, his voice calm and reassuring. "but your mother and i are already committed to each other."

✧ uh oh. he can his child's bottom lip quiver.. wait.. no.. he didn't mean it—wait—!!

✧ "WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH WHY DID YOU TAKE MOMMY AWAAAYY" ah.. there it is.. oh woe is welt. and so as your child wails and fat tears roll down his cheeks your ears perk up, obviously worried for your child who is quite literally screaming his lungs out.

✧ you walk out of your room and into the living room where you see welt trying his best to calm down his son, majority of the time welt does an amazing job in soothing him to sleep and cease his yowling but today? right now? it seems like no matter what welt tried it was to no avail.

✧ "what's going on?" you asked, raising a brow at this odd scene before you. taking a seat beside your son he quickly wastes no time in latching onto you, his chubby arms barely wrapped around your waist, his head squished against your thigh.

✧ you give welt a look. he sighs, staring down at his son who has successfully calmed down. "you see, [c/n] wants to marry you when he's older..." he begins, watching your reaction. "mhm.." you hummed, signalling for him to continue. "and i told him that we were already married."

✧ "... is that so..?" you giggled, looking down at your son who's gripping onto the fabric of your pants. "is that right, [c/n]?" your son slowly lifts his head up, an adorable pout on his lips. he stares at you before pointing at your husband.

✧ "daddy took mommy away!" he yells angrily, if it was possible, there would be steam coming out of your baby's ear.

✧ welt winces at the voice his child uses before speaking up. "you see, love is about understanding and growing with another person. it’s not just about wanting to be with someone—it’s about supporting them, no matter what."

✧ ??? "???? welt you're speaking to him as if he can understand."

✧ "oh, right." welt clears his throat, holding his son's much smaller hands in his own. "son, i understand that you love your mommy very much but..." he glances over at you. "me and mommy are already.. together. and mommy can't marry you because—"

✧ "WHY CAN'T I MARRY MOMMY" yet another session of crying begins. welt is practically dumbfounded.

✧ you click your tongue, lifting your son up into your arms, cradling him and patting his back. "shh, it's okay. daddy knows nothing... you can marry mommy if you want!" you cooed.

✧ "what—"

dr. ratio —

✧ raising an eyebrow at his child’s declaration he closes his book, his attention now fully on his child. " so you want to marry your mother, huh? well, while your intention is admirable, there’s a lot more to it than just saying 'i do.' you see, relationships are like a complex equation—variables, constants, and sometimes, unknown factors."

✧ 😐 dr ratio your child can barely answer do division calm down

✧ 'this is a great opporunity!' he thinks as he starts pacing, hands waving in the air as he speaks. "now, love, that’s the x factor! you can’t quantify it, but it changes everything. you might think it’s simple, but oh no, it’s much like trying to balance a chemical formula—get one thing wrong, and, well, it could blow up in your face!" he’d smile, amused by his own analogy.

✧ turning to you with a smirk, he’d nod. "your mother here—she's like the most elegant solution to the most complicated equation in my life."

✧ he’d then sit down beside his child, crossing his legs and leaning forward as if revealing a secret. "one day, you’ll find your perfect match—your own variable to balance things out. it’s like an ongoing experiment in life. but don't rush it! you’ve got plenty of time to gather data, test hypotheses, and figure out what works best for you."

✧ "and if you ever need help, your dad's here for you." with a grin, he’d ruffle their hair in a show of affection. "for now, though, we’ve got a pretty solid family unit here. no need to add more variables just yet." he hums.

✧ as he continued to ramble, you entered the room, finding your husband somewhat lecturing your child. he turns to you with a softer gaze. "our little one will understand it all someday. love is just like… oh, I don’t know, maybe quantum entanglement. two particles, forever linked no matter the distance."

✧ "what wont they understand?" you asked, wiping your hands off of the towel. "also dinner's ready. eating butter chicken today!" you chirped, walking back out and beginning to set the plates down on the table.

✧ eventually, dr. ratio would lean back, satisfied with his explanation. "do you understand?"

✧ your child nods their head eagerly, a wide and happy smile plastered on their face. "mhm!" but dr. ratio knows better.

✧ even if your child doesn't understand their father, that's fine. dr ratio loves them much more than others... he wouldn't mind giving them extra lessons to fully wrap the logic around their little head.

gallagher —

✧ though slovenly but content, he smiled gently as he listened to his daughter’s declaration. he was dressed in his usual disheveled manner—shirt untucked, sleeves rolled up, and an apron stained with coffee and whiskey splashes.

✧ “marry your mother, huh?” he’d say with a soft chuckle, glancing over at you with warmth. "that’s quite the bold statement, kiddo." his daughter does nothing but gaze up lovingly at her dad, awaiting his advice.

✧ the three of you were seated in his usual haunt, a cozy corner of his bar where he’d brought you along for some family time—though even now, he remained courteous, casually nodding at a few patrons who passed by.

✧ wiping down a glass, gallagher would take a moment to think, his vigilance never fully dropping even in such a relaxed setting. "marriage," he’d begin, wiping his hands on his apron, "it’s not something you just do because it sounds nice."

✧ he’d glance at you with a half-smirk, then return his gaze to his daughter. "you see, love—it’s like making the perfect cocktail. you’ve got to find just the right ingredients, mix ’em carefully, and sometimes let it sit before you know it’s ready. rushing it? well, that’s how you end up with a bitter drink."

✧ there goes gallagher and his cocktail analogy.

✧ he tosses a rag over his shoulder, leaning forward, resting his arms on the table. "someone who fits with you like how your mother and i fit together. but don’t go ordering the drink before you’re ready for it, you know?"

✧ you smiled at your daughter, ruffling her hair. "why do you want to marry me, [c/n]?" your daughter turns to you, eyes sparkling with admiration. "because mama is pretty!"

✧ "🥺🥺 oh baby..." brb you're gonna go bawl your eyes out now.

✧ as you hoist your daughter into your arms and hug her tightly, gushing about how adorable she is and that you're the luckiest mother alive, gallagher finishes drying the glasses and watches the both of you with such a soft gaze that siobhan isn't sure if this is the gallagher that she knows, but everyone has their secrets.

✧ "for now," he says—interrupting your little moment— before sliding another glass your way, "we’ve got each other, and that’s more than enough. we’re a solid team. although I'm not sure if i appreciate you trying to steal my wife from me..."

"what did you just say"

jiaoqiu —

✧ jiaoqiu’s ears twitch the moment he heard his daughter’s innocent declaration, his sharp hearing picking up every word. "what did you just say?" his tone shows a hint of jealousy, his eyes narrowing slightly before he caught himself, realizing who had spoken.

✧ this was his daughter, after all—still innocent, still sweet, and still adorable as ever.

✧ clearing his throat and quickly composing himself, jiaoqiu smiled ever so softly, despite not being able to see, he had become accustomed to pinpointing where exactly a person was.

✧ "that is so sweet of you," he say, his voice now softening with affection. his tail flicks in amusement, but there would be no mistaking the tenderness in his tone. "your mother is truly special, isn’t she?"

✧ he pats his daughter's head, his expression full of warmth as he hears her giggle. "you’ve got good taste, of course. but let me tell you, your mom’s already been swept off her feet by someone else—yours truly."

✧ he pulls his daughter close, jiaoqiu ruffles her hair, his grin never fading. "keep that loving heart of yours, and i promise, one day you’ll find someone just as perfect for you. Someone who may or may not outweigh me in terms of cooking.."

✧ jiaoqiu lets out a soft chuckle, shaking his head as he hears his daughter giggle, shaking her head. "just make sure you bring them to me first. i’ll need to give them the old ‘jiaoqiu test,’ alright?"

✧ "oh and make sure they have good taste in food, otherwise they aren't worth it. haha, just kidding.."

luocha —

✧ his green eyes widened slightly at the innocent declaration, a soft chuckle escaping his lips as he processed what his daughter had said. luocha gracefully bent down, just enough to meet his daughter's gaze, his golden hair cascading over his shoulders like threads of light.

✧ the tender amusement in his expression didn’t hide the warmth in his eyes as he replied, “you want to marry your mother?”

✧ he paused for a moment as if savouring the sweetness of the moment, before gently pinching her cheeks. “that’s incredibly sweet of you, and it makes me happy to know how much love you have in your heart.” his voice was soft, as though he were speaking a secret known only to them.

✧ with a slow, deliberate motion, luocha brushed a strand of his daughter's hair back, tucking it neatly behind their ear. “but marriage,” he continued, his tone calm, “is a commitment, a bond built on trust and mutual care.”

✧ he glanced over at you (who is smiling like an absolutely mad woman), his smile deepening. “your mother is someone truly remarkable, isn’t she?” he let the words linger each one carrying its own weight. "i’m glad you see how special she is, just as i do.”

✧ luocha took his child’s small hand in his own, his long fingers curling gently around theirs. "you’ve got so much love to give, and that’s something to cherish. always hold onto that kindness, that love."

✧ standing tall again, his coat swaying behind him like a quiet whisper, luocha’s eyes softened even more as he gently lifted his child into his arms, holding them close. “for now,” he said, his voice tender but filled with certainty, “you’re already surrounded by love. our family is your home."

✧ he turns toward you, carrying your child effortlessly in one arm, his other hand reaching out to you. you gladly take it, the familiar warmth blossoming in your body as you feel his sweet gesture.

✧ luocha clears his throat. "that doesn't mean you can marry a boy, okay? boys are good for nothing.." "luocha!!" you frown, slapping his arm. your husband looks down at you, a sweet and innocent smile on his lips. "hm..? i didn't say anything," he hums before planting a gentle kiss on your forehead.

ote: if you would like to be added to the honkai star rail taglist pls just ask me!! dont be shy

taglist 🏷️ @tomansimp @one-offmind @miitchiji @dainsleif-when-playable @momoewn @stygianoir @irethepotato @v4an @imetsk @fiannee @sunnyf4lls if im missing anyone please tell me because i have an inkling feeling i missed a few..

liking + following + reblogs are very much appreciated!!

another note: sorry for the delay guys..

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harrysfolklore · 17 days ago

Text

papa bear - mv1

summary: max becomes a papa bear when it comes to his favorite two girls (basically just dad-to-be max fluff)

folkie radio: oh boy do i love dad max !!!! and it's becoming canon soon i can't believe it. anywayyy i hope you like thisss

MASTERLIST | MY PATREON

liked by maxverstappen1, alexandrasaintmleux and 109,625 others

yourinstagram that's a wrap for the first half of the season! now I get this one to myself for 3 weeks ❤️

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username1 AWEEE

username2 you guys are literally the cutest couple ever

username3 enjoy the break guys!! max deserves it after dominating the whole season frfr

username4 protect these two at all costs

redbullracing 🧡💙

sophiekumpen My babies! ❤️ Enjoy the break, see you both for dinner tomorrow xx

└ yourinstagram we love you !

landonorris bet he's already in the sim

└ yourinstagram he’s cuddling the cats right now but you can bet he’s getting on that stream soon

└ username1 CRYING MAX CUDDLING WITH THE CATS

carmenmmundt cuties! girls day soon? 💕

└ iamrebeccad Please !!

└ lilymhe count me in

└ alexandrasaintmleux 🙋‍♀️🙋‍♀️🙋‍♀️

└ yourinstagram ABSOLUTELY

└ username2 ughh i just want to be one of them

username5 ALREADY MISSING THEM

username6 if max doesn’t put a ring on it soon istg

username7 THE WAY YOU CAN SEE HIS SMILE HERE

username8 i hope they have a nice breeaaaak

maxverstappen1 Ready for no distractions, just us ❤️

└ username1 MAX THE SIMP BOYFRIEND THAT YOU ARE

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maxverstappen1 Thank you Spa, wishing you all a lovely summer break ✌️

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username1 THE GOATTTT

username2 he looks so good omfg

yourinstagram proud of you always ❤️ now hand over that phone 😌

└ username1 max listen to your future wife

└ maxverstappen1 Your wish is my command

└ username2 YOUR WISH IS MY COMMAND

redbullracing Enjoy the break champ

danielricciardo Send it mate! Catch you in Zandvoort 🤙

username3 SUPER MAXXX

username4 i hope we get some content during the summer break

username5 max boyfriend era activated

username6 he’s going to disappear but at least he’ll be spending time with our queen yn

username7 why is he glowing so much is he pregnant or something

username8 his babies will have the prettiest eyes ever

liked by username1, username2 and 38,625 others

f1updates Our favorite couple enjoying their summer break! Max and YN spotted enjoying some downtime after an incredible first half of the season.

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username1 PARENTS

username2 they look so happy and relaxed

username3 anyone else notice yn looks different? 👀

username4 is it just me or has yn gained a little weight? she's usually so tiny

└ username1 let's not comment on people's bodies... she looks gorgeous as always

└ username2 ffs who cares if she did. be normal

username5 she has been glowing lately and max is so protective of her here

username6 the way he's holding her so close in the first pic 🥺

username7 something's different about yn...

└ username8 right? she definitely gained some weight

└ username1 itsg im reporting every single comments who keeps deserting her body you people are insensitive

username9 why are people commenting about her weight? she looks beautiful let them live

username10 these two are gonna give us baby ver one day and break the internet

username11 PROTECT YN FROM THESE WEIRDOS AT ALL COSTS

username12 max seems even more protective than usual lately... interesting 👀

username13 maybe she’s just bloated guys 😭

└ username2 kindly fuck off

username14 she's literally giving off pregnancy glow but okay

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liked by username1, username2 and 15,736 others

f1updates Our championship leader spotted doing a late night grocery run? 👀 Max Verstappen seen buying what appears to be... stroopwafels, pickles, and various snacks at nearly midnight!

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username1 HES SO WEIRD

username2 is he high ?

username3 not the stroopwafels and pickles combo 😭

username4 THE PREGNANCY CRAVINGS ARE REALLL

username5 bros really out here doing midnight snack runs, yn got him WHIPPED

username6 max "i hate shopping" verstappen doing midnight store runs? she must be pregnant fr fr

username7 anyone who's been pregnant knows exactly what those snacks mean

username8 pickles AND stroopwafels? yeah that's definitely not for him 😌

username9 the way this man will do anything for yn

username10 everyone saying this is for his girlfriend but this mean could have the weirdest munchies combo

username11 the way he's trying to hide the bags I can't 💀

username12 leave them alone guys... but also BABY VER COMING???

username13 he looks so done with people taking pics 😭

liked by iamrebeccad, maxverstappen1 and 267,836 others

yourinstagram best break with you @maxverstappen1 ❤️ teady for the second half of the season

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username1 SO DAMN CUTEEEE

username2 there are my parents

carmenmmundt You guys are glowing! 💕

└ yourinstagram we love youuuu

username3 why is she wearing such loose clothes lately?

└ username1 maybe mind your own business?

landonorris max actually took time off the sim? unbelievable 😂

└ yourinstagram believe it or not he did

username4 THE THIRD PIC HAS ME DYING

usernsme5 he baggy clothes aren't hiding what we think they're hiding 👀

sophieklumen My beautiful loves! ❤️

└ yourinstagram love you so much 💓

username6 is no one gonna talk about how max is looking at her stomach in the last picture?

username7 yn's literally glowing stop lying to us 😭

username8 yn definitely looks… different

username9 why are people so obsessed with her clothes? let them live

username10 that ocean pic needs to be framed

maxverstappen1 Thanks for the best summer break ❤️ I love you

└ yourinstagram i love you the most 🥹

liked by yourinstagram, landonorris and 847,936 others

maxverstappen1 Amazing to race in front of the Orange Army again. Missing someone special today but she was supporting from home ❤️ Thank you all for the incredible energy! 🇳🇱

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username1 DU DU DU MAX VERSTAPPEN

username2 the goat

yourinstagram SO proud of you! sorry i couldn't be there but i had the best view from the couch with our cats 🧡 see you soon champion

└ maxverstappen1 Home soon ❤️

username3 first time yn's missed a race in ages 👀

username4 The Dutch Princess missing the Dutch GP? Something's definitely up

username5 she's never missed Zandvoort before...

sophieklumen Killed it schatje! YN we missed you today! Feel better soon ❤️

└ username1 she might just have the flu and yall are claiming she’s pregnant lol

landonorris Proper job mate! Tell yn she owes me a gaming session

username6 "supporting from home" yeah with morning sickness probably 😌

username7 nobody celebrating in parc fermé with max felt so weird

redbullracing That’s our champion 💙

username8 she's never missed a home race... this basically confirms it

username9 the way he kept looking for her after getting out of the car 🥺

username10 extremely weird that you assume that she’s pregnant just because she’s not in the paddock and her body looks different

username11 some of these comments are delusional

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liked by maxverstappen1, iamrebeccad and 278,395 others

yourinstagram words can't describe how proud i am! four-time world champion, my incredible max ! 🦁 gutted i couldn't be there but celebrating from home with happy tears! the greatest driver, even better person 🤍 i love you @/maxverstappen1

view all comments

username1 MAXIE IS THE WORLD CHAMPION

username2 i can’t believe this is the first time she misses a championship

maxverstappen1 Wish you were here ❤️ Coming home to you soon! I love you

username3 what kind of girlfriend misses her boyfriend's championship win? pathetic

└ username1 shut up, she's clearly not well

username4 so selfish to not even show up for the biggest moment

username5 some of these comments are disgusting. leave her alone!

username6 she's literally been at every race for years, clearly something serious is keeping her home

victoriaverstappen CHAMP 💙

username7 the way he kept saying "wish she was here" in every interview 🥺

username8 not even showing up for THIS? something's definitely up...

username9 some of these comments are vile. let her take care of herself

username10 the haters are just mad their fav could never

liked by username1, username2 and 79,736 others

f1_gossip_daily EXCLUSIVE: The Real Reason Behind YN's Absence 🚨

After months of speculation, here's your confirmation! Sources close to the couple confirm YN is expecting! This explains her absence from recent races including Max's championship win. These pictures were taken outside of a clinic 👀

view all comments

username1 WHAT THE FUCK

username2 MAX IS GOING TO BE A DAD ???

username3 DELETE THIS. they clearly weren't ready to share. this is disgusting.

username4 reporting this post this is a massive invasion of privacy

username5 following and photographing someone at their DOCTOR'S office?? you've crossed a line

username6 this is absolutely vile they deserved to announce this their own way

username7 well this explains a lot

username8 this is why we can't have nice things. delete this immediately

username9 taking photos of someone at medical appointments is a new low

username10 they deserved to share their happiness on their own terms this is heartbreaking

username11 MASS REPORT THIS POST

username12 this isn't gossip, this is harassment.

username13 no wonder max is always so protective. this is awful

username14 this is literally illegal in most countries. hope they sue

username15 their first baby announcement stolen from them. I feel sick

maxverstappen1 Hope the clicks were worth it. My lawyers will be in touch. Next time respect people's privacy.

───────── ౨ৎ ─────────

liked by maxverstappen1, lilymhe and 504,826 others

yourinstagram Privacy was the one thing I wanted during this special time. The choice to share this journey was taken from us in the most invasive way possible. For months we've been trying to protect this precious secret, wanting to experience these moments just between us and our loved ones.

Being forced to hide because of long-lens cameras at doctor appointments, avoiding races I desperately wanted to attend, missing Max's championship celebration - all to try keeping this private as long as possible. Not because we weren't excited, but because everyone deserves to share their joy in their own way, in their own time.

To those who violated our privacy - you didn't just take photos, you took away moments we can never get back. To those who defended us and reported those images - thank you. Your respect means everything.

But since this is now public... Yes, Baby Verstappen is joining the grid in 2025 💕 Not the way we planned to share this, but our joy can't be diminished. Max, watching you become a father already is the most beautiful thing. I love you ❤️

view all comments

username1 OH MY FUCKING GOD

username2 i hate everyone who ruined this for them

carmenmmundt You handled this with such grace. Can't wait to meet baby V!

username3 we knew something was up when you kept missing races

username4 THE WAY HE'S BEEN PROTECTING HER ALL THIS TIME 😭

username5 so happy it's finally out but so angry at how it happened

sophieklumen The best news! Already the most loved baby ❤️

danielricciardo uncle danny is ready for babysitting duties!

username6 anyone else crying at "watching you become a father already"

username7 the grace and class in this post after what happened... we stan the right person

username8 baby ver about to have the most protective dad in F1 history

lando does this mean I can finally talk about hiding snacks in the garage for yn? 😂

username9 MOST LOVED BABY EVER ALREADY

username10 i hope people who harassed her rot in jail tbh

username11 can we talk about how beautiful this pic is tho

username12 MAX IS A DAD OMFG

carlossainz55 Such beautiful news! Felicidades! ❤️

alexandrasaintmleux the most beautiful mama already

victoriaverstappen Finally we can celebrate properly! Love you both so much!

maxverstappen1 So proud of you both. I love you with everything I am and more

liked by yourinstagram, lando and 2,048,648 others

maxverstappen1 I rarely address personal matters, but today I have to. What happened yesterday crossed every line. Following my girlfriend to medical appointments, hiding in bushes to take photos - this isn't journalism, it's harassment. The people involved will be dealt with legally.

YN has been my strength through everything. Watching her try to hide her happiness these past months because of invasive cameras has been infuriating. She missed races she wanted to attend, stayed away from celebrations, all to protect our privacy. She even missed our championship moment - something that crushed us both - because we were trying to keep this joy to ourselves for a little longer.

To everyone who mass reported those photos and defended our privacy - thank you.

To the "journalists" who did this - I hope those clicks were worth it. Actions have consequences.

But yes, we're having a baby. YN is the strongest person I know, already the most incredible mother. Nobody can take away our happiness about this, even if they tried to take away our moment.

And to any paparazzi reading this - stay away from my family. This is your only warning.

view all comments

username1 PAPA BEAR MAX ACTIVATED AND WE'RE HERE FOR IT

username2 IM SOBBING

yourinstagram i love you ❤️ best daddy already

victoriaverstappen My protective big brother 🥺 Love you both!

charles_leclerc Well said Max. We stand with you both.

username3 this man won a championship and is still more focused on protecting his family

lando already ordering mini racing suits

username4 that last line wasn't a warning, it was a THREAT

username5 the way he goes from soft boyfriend to protective beast in one post 😭

username6 yn calling him best daddy already i can't handle this

username7 "Stay away from my family. This is your only warning." CHILLS.

username8 the whole grid in the comments ready to throw hands for them

username9 protective max is scary max

username10 love how he went from soft "yn is my strength" to "this is your only warning"

───────── ౨ৎ ─────────

liked by maxverstappen1, lando and 398,267 others

yourinstagram since it's out there anyway... let me expose papa bear a bit 😂❤️

catching him putting headphones on my belly to "start early with engine sounds." coming home to find him practicing assembly with the crib (yes, 5 months early). finding children's books about racing in 4 different languages because "the baby needs options."

my favorite is him speaking in dutch to my belly because "the baby needs to understand the language.”

also special mention to his 3 AM grocery runs because "we" were craving stroopwafels, and him threatening to fire his trainer for not changing his routine because "what if I need to carry both of them?"

the "most aggressive driver on the grid" everyone 🥺

view all comments

username1 IM SOBBING

username2 DADDY MAX YOU ARE SO WHOLESOME

maxverstappen1 The baby DOES need to understand dutch 😤❤️

username3 MAX IS SUCH A PAPA BEAR I CANT

lando NOW I can talk about finding baby books in his driver room

victoriaverstappen My brother the softie 🥺

sophieklumen The cutest papa bear ❤️

username4 SOFT MAX UNLOCKED

username5 not him being the most prepared dad ever

username6 the way he's been secretly nesting this whole time and we had NO IDEA

username7 "what if I need to carry both of them" STOP HE'S SO 🥺

username8 not him threatening his trainer I'M CRYING

username9 imagine being the most feared driver on track but also doing 3am stroopwafel runs

username10 the fact that he's been doing this for months while we all thought he was just focused on racing 🥺

───────── ౨ৎ ─────────

liked by maxverstappen1, iamrebeccad and 512,038 others

yourinstagram since we didn't get to share our first baby news the way we wanted to, we're keeping this moment ours ❤️ baby girl verstappen coming to shake up the grid ! already has her papa wrapped around her tiny finger (and the entire paddock as her protective uncles 😂)

max hasn't stopped talking about "daddy-daughter karting lessons" since we found out (though i caught him googling "how to say no to puppy eyes" so at least he knows what he's in for 😅)

view all comments

username1 OMFG

username2 MAX IS A GIRL DAD

maxverstappen1 She's getting her first kart before she can walk 😤❤️

sebastianvettel Another racing princess! Congratulations!

username3 FIRST FEMALE WORLD CHAMPION INCOMING

victoriaverstappen My first niece ��❤️ Can't wait to spoil her!

lilymhe the cutest little princess already !

username4 GIRL DAD MAX ERA INCOMING 😭

username5 the way the whole grid is ready to be protective uncles

username6 first he protects yn, now he's gonna protect their princess

username7 GIRL DAD MAX IS GOING TO BE EVERYTHING 😭

username8 the most protected baby girl in motorsport history incoming

alexandrasaintmleux CONGRATS 💓

username9 max "I'll fight anyone on track" verstappen about to be wrapped around a tiny finger

username10 sebastian coming out of retirement to comment 🥺

username11 Danny Ric and Lando fighting for favorite uncle position already

username12 this baby girl about to have the most iconic childhood ever

username13 max trying to prepare for puppy eyes while simultaneously planning her racing career is killing me

username14 first she'll have max wrapped around her finger, then the whole grid

liked by yourinstagram, charles_leclerc and 1,388,936 others

maxverstappen1 Never knew I could love someone I haven't met yet this much. Already know she's going to be faster than her old man one day

(YN says I have to wait until she can walk before getting her first kart, but what she doesn't know is that GP and the engineering team are already working on the safest baby kart ever made 🤫)

Can't wait to be your dad, little princess ❤️

view all comments

username1 IM SOBBING

username2 GIRL DAD MAX IS REAL

yourinstagram we love you so much, papa bear

sebastianvettel Welcome to the girl dad club. Your wallet and heart don't stand a chance 😂

redbullracing Our champion's toughest challenge yet: resisting puppy eyes 😅

lando WE LOVE YOU PRINCESS VERSTAPPEN

username3 MAX "I'LL FIGHT EVERYONE" VERSTAPPEN TURNING INTO THE SOFTEST GIRL DAD

username4 engineering team making the safest baby kart ever is so wholesome 🥺

username5 man's whole tough image about to be destroyed by a tiny girl

username6 the way every uncle is already fighting for favorite position

username7 "Never knew I could love someone I haven't met yet" WHO IS CUTTING ONIONS

username8 sebastian coming to warn him about girl dad life 🥺

username9 everyone ready to watch tough Max melt for his baby girl

username10 not the entire paddock becoming protective uncles immediately

───────── ౨ৎ ─────────

liked by maxverstappen1, lilymhe and 439,037 others

yourinstagram These last few months have been everything ❤️ Can't believe we're so close to meeting our little racer.

The entire paddock has turned into protective uncles, Max reads engineering books to her every night (she kicks like crazy when she hears his voice), and GP's already got her first little team radio headset ready.

To our little girl: your papa's already planning your racing career (though we'll talk about that), the whole grid is waiting to spoil you, and we can't wait to meet you

Few more laps until we see you princess 🏁❤️

view all comments

username1 NOT MAX READING ENGINEERING BOOKS TO THE BUMP 😭

iamrebeccad best mama already !

username2 "few more laps" THE F1 REFERENCES ARE KILLING ME

lilymhe look at you 🥺🥺🥺

username3 GP ALREADY HAVING A TINY RADIO HEADSET PREPARED HELP

username4 MAX IS REALLY ABOUT TO BECOME A DAD

lando baby verstappen is so loved already. and of course i'm her favorite uncle

username5 THE DRIVERS AS UNCLES I CANT DO THIS

username6 the way she kicks when she hears Max's voice STOP 😭

victoriaverstappen I can't wait to hold my little niece 💕

username7 the whole grid waiting to spoil her is the cutest thing ever

username8 max being a GIRL DAD is the best thing ever

danielricciardo Love you mates ! you'll be the best parents ever

username9 IM SOBBING THE BABY IS COMING SOON

username10 this is the best max era

maxverstappen1 Thank you for making all of my dreams come true, I love you both so much ❤️

liked by yourinstagram, carlossainz55 and 1,904,658 others

maxverstappen1 To the strongest woman I know - watching you carry our daughter these past months has made me fall in love with you all over again. You're already the most incredible mother.

Everyone sees the racing, the wins, the championships. But this, right here? You and our little girl? This is everything.

I promise you both - I'll always protect you, always take care of you. No trophy could ever compare to what you're giving me

Thank you for making me the luckiest man in the world, twice over. First by choosing me, and now by making me a father.

Few more weeks until we meet our princess. I love you both more than anything ❤️

view all comments

username1 "NO TROPHY COULD EVER COMPARE" I'M SOBBING

username2 THIS MAN WENT FROM COLD RACER TO SOFTESTBOI SO FAST

username3 THIS IS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL CAPTION EVER

sophieklumen So proud of you both. Can't wait to meet my granddaughter ❤️

victoriaverstappen Who is this sweet man and what did he do with my brother? 😭

username4 THIS IS THE SWEETEST THING HE'S EVER POSTED OMG

username5 THE WAY HE JUST EXPOSED HIS WHOLE HEART LIKE THIS

username6 he really said "championships who? my girls are everything"

lando still showing everyone baby scan pictures in drivers' briefing

charles_leclerc Time flies. Congrats future dad

username7 "first by choosing me" STOP THIS IS TOO CUTE

username8 this is the man who terrorizes the grid every weekend?

lewishamilton This is what it's all about mate ❤️ Beautiful words

username9 BABY VERSTAPPEN YOU ARE SO LOVED

username10 i can't believe max verstappen typed this

yourinstagram you really are a papa bear. and we love you so much

2K notes · View notes

bagholes · 2 months ago

Text

English subtitles for Johanne Sacreblue

You've probably heard of a parody of Emilia Pérez (produced by a Mexican trans woman!!!) called Johanne Sacreblue. The whole thing is in Spanish (and French, obviously), so I translated the whole thing to English (see read more)

While I wasn't involved in the production of the original short, I'm Mexican and I have a degree in Translation and Applied Linguistics, so hopefully you'll enjoy my translation. Please give the video some love and don't give Emilia Pérez more attention!!

!!!!!!!! ENGLISH SUBTITLES !!!!!!!!!

(Hey! I'm a professional translator, and I translated the whole thing in English. Please upvote so more people can enjoy this video!)

Ah, nauseating France.

Home of wonderful food such as baguettes, croissants, and more.

Lots of wonderful people live here.

Obviously, we’re French.

This might look like a love story,

but open your eyes and pay attention!

In France there’s rising burglary rates.

But why tell you about France when I can show you?

Welcome to la France!

♫

Welcome to la France.

A unique and special country.

Where you’ll know what it means to truly love. Love, love from France.

Live the experience of this place.

[Homer Simpson voice] Wow, classy.

Maitre D': Good evening, sir. Would you please leave without a fuss right now?

Homer: OK.

Welcome to la France

where you’ll get your heart stolen,

and your wallet, too.

Welcome to la France,

but if you’re Muslim, homosexual, or Black,

I want you to stay back.

Crêpes? Les crêpes? I didn’t shower today.

I’m not worried. I smell just fine.

Like rats, sweat, and wine.

The cheese I eat smells better than me,

but my perfume can take care of it.

I love feeling superior.

Here’s some rapping just because.

Oh, mon ami. Merci. Sacré bleu. Comment tu t’appelles? Merci. Déjà vu. Bon voyage! Pizza, kwason.

It’s croissant, croissant, croissant!

Welcome to la France

where you’ll get your heart stolen,

and your wallet, too.

Welcome to la France,

but if you’re Muslim, homosexual, or Black,

I want you to stay back.

Hit it, Mbappé.

Viva Cinco the Mayo!

Long live cakes!

Marie Antoinette!

Long live cakes!

My fucking crêpe still hurts when I think of you

Part 1: surprise and challenge.

Maybe all those years living in a ranch were good for him.

He wasn’t living in a ranch!

He lived in Mexico City for ten years.

Same thing. It might as well have been a jungle.

Mexicans are savages.

Do you know what they do to cheese over there?

They eat it fresh!

I don’t think he copied their ways.

He’s still a good Frenchman.

He better be. I expect no less.

He’s my only son.

All the suffering in Mexico must’ve gotten rid of his rebel nature.

He’ll be the perfect man. The perfect male successor for the largest baguette company in France.

My son. My manly son.

Did I already mention that my son is a man?

He’s here!

Maman, papa… bonjour!

Son of a-

[title credits] Johanne Sacreblue. Directed by someone with ADHD.

What were you up to in Mexico?

I learned how to open a beer using a bill.

Jonathan is using a dress, Bridgitte. And he has breasts! What do you think he was up to in Mexico?

Now my name is Johanne.

Nonsense! You’re not getting the company. No way.

That’s fine. I don’t even want it.

Honey, it’s your future. You’re our only DAUGHTER. You have to take the position.

You’ll get the company. End of story.

You don’t even want me to own the company!

Because I didn’t think it’s what you wanted!

Why did we stop speaking French?

What did you say?

Nothing. I got confused.

I’ll tell you something: remember the Ratatouille? They gave us this letter. They challenged us to the national France competition to decide once and for all what’s better: baguettes or croissants.

Do you want to enjoy your fortune? Win this competition and manage the company. Or go back to Mexico to eat guacamole.

For the last time, no! You won’t get the company.

I’m the only one who’s always loved croissants.

I’m the oldest son. It’s my right.

Your right? How can think that about your brothers?

Any of them could do a good job.

Hugo can’t get over his artistic phase and he’s addicted to sniffing paint thinner!

I’m not just sniffing paint thinner! Yellow paint makes me happy.

Mario Hugo! Good luck with his twangy voice.

Mario Hugo: I agree with my beloved brother, but I love you, my family.

No one knows what you’re saying!

Dugo is young! Why can’t it be me?

Well, first of all, you don’t have a penis!

Oof. Gotcha.

I’m trans. Other than that, I haven’t changed at all.

Does it really affect you that much?

I’ve made myself clear: anything that affects our family affects me!

It’s not that we don’t love you, honey, it’s just that… you embarrass us.

You’re not even an Hugo!

Yes, I am! I’m [French accent] Arturo! (Translator’s note: the rhyme got lost in translation. Sorry about that).

“Arturo” isn’t “Hugo”!

Yes, it is! Ar-tu-ro!

Where did you get that?

Well… Chofls!! The letter!

The Sacrebleu have invited us to the Great Paris Competition. We will show once and for all what food item best represents our country! If you beat that family’s stupid transexual, you’ll get the company

I don’t know what to do, bestie. I don’t want to own that goddamn company.

And why don’t you learn how to do something?

Because if I do it, they’re gonna cut me off, and I’ll be an unemployed, 28-year-old trans woman who has no life skills.

Why don’t you just tell your father that you don’t want to do it and that you won’t do it?

It’s too late. I have no choice.

Bestie, I’m so sorry you can’t enjoy your fortune with no commitment.

It’s awful…

Good evening, ladies. What can I get you?

I’ll have some French molletes.

I’ll have chicken.

Of course, ma’am. How shall we cook it?

Anything is fine as long as you kill it as cruelly as possible.

Excellent choice, ma’am.

Anything else? Would that be all?

That’ll be all. Well, actually, I think I also want-

You said that would be all! You must assume the consequences of your decisions. Rot in hell! [spits]

Oh my, what a great service!

I know! They have the best customer service in France! Okay, so are you signing up for the competition?

I really don’t have a choice…

Bestie, you can do anything. You’re stronger than every woman I know, and I’m not just saying this because you used to be a man…

Thanks for the clarification.

You’re gonna compete and you’re gonna win.

Emily, you have no idea how much that means to me. You’re the only reason I wanted to come to Paris. I wanted to see my friend Emily in Paris. It was the only reason I wanted to come tot this city: see Emily in Paris.

Oh là là, I know! Everyone tells me that! What I don’t get is why you don’t want to compete. This is such an honor for France-

It’s just that there’s a lot of things I don’t understand since I came back. Why are we so impolite? Why do we love animal cruelty? And why exactly do we hate Muslims?

Because it’s fun!

Yeah, maybe, but have you ever considered that it’s wrong?

Oh my God! You’re right! I’d never thought about it! We’re awful!

Oui!

What we do to birds… we drown them in cognac! Why are we doing it? Who thought of that?

I don’t know.

I feel.. dirty! I want to take a shower!

I knew I wasn’t crazy!

Seriously… I never thought that we were doing something wrong. I always thought that people who get minimum wage liked how we treat them. No wonder they sent you to Mexico… You’re crazy.

I got sent to Mexico for being trans.

They sent you to Mexico because you’ve been hallucinating. You’re seeing Marie Antoinette.

I’m not hallucinating! It’s the actual ghost of Marie Antoinette.

Marie Antoinette: don’t listen to hear. She dresses like a Guatemalan. I’m as real as my tragic death. They should behead her for having such damaged hair.

There’s no point in knowing the truth about France. At the end of the day, I’m just an ordinary French millionaire with enough money to live for four days. There’s nothing I can do.

Marie Antoinette: [unintelligible] sleep paralysis at night.

If you win, all of France will listen to you.

Ladybug: Welcome to the most important competition of la France, where France’s most important families will make a very important decision.

Cat Noir: that’s right! We’re here to make a very important decision. What food best represents France: baguettes or croissants?

Our fellow citizens will know what we’re talking about, but for those dirty foreigners that only know how to use soap…

Wear perfume!

We’ll explain the rules.

There’s two events: whoever wins both will be victorious!

The first even will be a race! The first one to reach the Eiffel tower, touch it and say our catchphrase “we give up!” will be the winner!

Without further ado, we’re heading to the competition!

It’s the best race I’ve seen years!

The Ratatouille throw a croissant to the Sacreblue and almost slashes her throat. It’s cat-tastic!

But Johanne takes the lead with 400 rats, and she wins the race!

Rats! Meow!

Here she comes!

Vive la France!

Your love for croissants ends here. What an embarrassment!

Don’t feel bad, honey. I never really expected anything from you.

Arturo, I’m not gonna lie…

Brother, defeat will only make you stronger.

What?

You’re a great man. You’ll make it.

Can I have five French dollars to buy yellow paint? I want to paint.

Later that night in some French dumpster

♫

I’m just a trash man in Paris.

Another piece of trash in Paris.

But I’m also the greatest trash

I’m the trash man.

I’m such trash that I made a fortune using other cultures.

I’m such trash that I enjoy cancelling last minute

because I’m scared

that they’ll see my tiny baguette.

I don’t have the guts to say that I fucked up.

I’m scared to know what people think of me

If I’m a good guy or just a bald bad guy

I’m such trash that it’s embarrassing.

I thought Karla Sofia was from Puebla.

I’m such trash that I wrote a musical about narcos.

“Penis to vagina, woman to man.”

What the fuck was that shit, bro?

I’m disgusting, don’t you see?

Part 2: from hate to love

Why did you ask me to meet you here?

[sigh] I came to ask you to stop fighting over something as dumb as bread.

Baguettes are just bread, but croissants are France itself. It’s in our veins, in our wine, in the air we breathe!

Arturo, wait, don’t do it!

[coughing]

You can’t take a deep breath in France. Dumbass.

Whatever. You’re just saying this because you’ve been away for a long time. You’re nothing but a chimichanga lover.

Cinco de Mayo!

How dare you!

Does it make you feel good to be a man hitting a woman?

Actually, yes. Now I get why we do it.

I’ve had enough! I can’t take it anymore! What’s wrong with France? Why do they like to hit women? Why do they like racism? Can’t you see that what we’re doing is wrong?

Actually, no. I had never thought about it. I never considered that… Oh my God… We’re monsters! What are we doing? We must put an end to this!

But how?

You’ll do it with me. With your amazing arguments, we’ll change France.

Do you think it can be done? But how?

Oui, mademoiselle. If you let me win the second event, it’ll be a tie, and they’ll have to listen to us according to the French rules I hadn’t mentioned before.

I don’t know if I can trust you.

Trust me, mademoiselle. Trust this stinky French heart.

Alright. Kiss me.

Do you want me to kiss you?

Yes. Give me a French kiss.

Here it’s just “a kiss”, stupid

Welcome to the second competition!

This is the most fabulous competition! It’s the racism competition!

That’s right, Cat Noir! And for those stupid Americans who don’t know what we’re talking about, in this competition, participants are given a total of 30 minutes to deport and catch as many immigrants as possible.

Everything is allowed: from making up crimes to blackmailing!

Each Muslim is worth 5 points. However, participants can get extra points from hate crimes against Muslims, Black people, Latinos, members of the LGBT community, and fans of Emily in Paris!

Let’s watch the racism competition!

We apologize for the technical issues. Cat Noir had a fanatic episode.

It was amazing! With a great lead, our winner, Arturo, was victorious. So we’ll have to call this a tie.

Oh! For the first time in more than ten years, we’re getting some words from our ten French emperors!

Stop!

There… won’t be… a tie!

This decision will no longer be postponed.

Declaramos abierto el duelo final.

And it’ll happen right now.

Because I love Queen Marie Antoinette.

The final duel…

It’s the fight to the death with baguettes!

Good luck! And may the Frenchest win. Yes. Oui. Oui. Oui.

[Elmo]

Part 3: destiny

Fight to the death with baguettes?!

I think there’s gonna be a fight to the death with baguettes.

What? Fight to the death with baguettes? What’s that?

Oh, fight to the death with baguettes. I’ve heard about it. I think they’re gonna fight to the death… with baguettes.

[gasp]

Johanne: I don’t want to fight to the death with baguettes with you.

Arturo: Neither do I, but we have no choice.

J: Yes, there is. Haven’t they considered that this is wrong?

No!

Arturo: Papa Johns!

Papa Johns: I pitted your families against you with a little help from whom you love the most… your butlers.

Arturo: Chofls!

Johanne: Wigles, why?

Wiggles: I’m sorry, madame. I need the money, and you haven’t given me raise in 25 years.

Papa Johns: I’ll destroy you so the greatest French food gets recognition: French fries!

Johanne: You’re losing a lot of wine.

Johanne: you have a rat on your head!

Papa Johns: this tiny chef taught me his secrets, and I used them for evil.

Wigles: I think I got Stockholm syndrome due to so many years of labor exploitation.

And that’s how we got away from the bad guy, Mr. French ambassador.

Controlled by a rat… The nightmare of every French. Ladies and gentlemen, that’s how Johanne Sacreblue and Arturo Ratatouille restored the glory of France. What a captivating story you’ve brought us, full of pain and social commentary. Is there anything else you would like to add before we run out of funds?

Well, actually, yes. As many of you know, I went to Mexico, and my fellow Mexicans asked me to bring a gift to France when I came back, and what a better person to give it to than the ambassador?

Oh, what wonderful surprise have you brought from Mexico? Could it be some wonderful Mexican tortillas?

Wait… Is that-

Yes, a cake. Un gâteau.

[Credits]

And that’s the story of how your parents saved la France.

Thanks for telling me these stories, grandma.

My grand-son. My grand-son, a boy…

[sigh]

♫

Tito, my grandson Tito (translator’s note: another rhyme that got lost in translation. Sorry again). Tito, tito. My grandson Tito.

You smell like frog legs in the morning.

You smell like you haven’t showered in weeks.

You smell like a moldy baguette.

You smell like the omelette that I ate.

You smell like cheese. Smelly, smelly!

You smell like your grandma.

Tito, Tito, Tito, my grandson Tito.

You smell like snails. You smell like escargot.

You smell like France.

#emilia perez #johanne sacreblue #selena gomez #mexico #zoe saldana #karla sofia gascon #jacques audiard #trans rights

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thepitlanepress · 2 months ago

Text

WHAT ARE YOU DOING? –

↳ max verstappen + gf!mom!reader

⌗ :: masterlist

⌗ :: a/n: since i have the emotional and mental stamina and strength of a decaying cabbage rn this idea has graciously been given to me by my other half @arqbella so big thanks to her for this <3 this is also a short one bc as stated earlier decaying cabbage

"liefje?" max's calls out from the kitchen.

he usually expects an answer within the range of three to forty seconds. if you're super distracted a minute tops. you've alway had this thing- no matter what, whenever max calls you, you somehow hear him every time.

he thinks you also just like it when he calls you liefje or any nickname in dutch. your favorite is liefje though, as you've told him oh so many times.

because who wouldn't want to be called liefje by max verstappen are the exact words you use.

so when you don't answer him for a solid five minutes, he goes searching. he's hopeless at this recipe and needs your expertise before he blows the kitchen up.

"liefje?" max calls out again, still no answer. you must be upstairs somewhere with the baby then.

when he reaches the second floor he calls out your name again, but still no answer.

what is going on?

and being the dedicated boyfriend that he is, he gives up on his search and starts to return to the kitchen hoping things didn't explode in the kitchen while he was gone. surely he can work out how follow the instructions and have a perfect little surprise for you when you come down stairs.

just when he reaches the top step he hears your voice. its higher pitched and it sounds like you're mumbling nonsense so you must be talking to the baby.

whenever he stumbles in on you with the baby you always seems to be singing, or talking, or even gossiping to your little girl, who stares back at you with wide eyes - and an adorable face.

he decides the kitchen will be safe without him - what a mistake that was - and follows the two of his favorite sounds in the world. your voice and your baby's laugh.

he gently pushes the door open and leans on the door frame as he- what are you singing?

"du du du du max verstappen," you coo to the little bundle in you arms. "du du du du max verstappen!" you bounce about causing a little laugh to erupt out of your daughter.

"what are you doing, liefje?" max asks a mix between a smile and a frown on his face.

"i'm singing our daughter a song that i like," is all you supply.

"really because it sounds awful lot like the song that i don't like."

"i'm educating our child on how her papa is a famous f1 driver."

"i think the excessive amount of f1 things in this room will do- its practically a shrine, liefje."

"i happen to like it," you huff at max and smile at your daughter. "and so does she, look at her face, see? she loves it."

"i think she loves the fact that her mama is singing and dancing with her," he points out he says pushing off the doorframe and coming to stand beside you and look over you shoulder at the little girl in your arms.

you both stand there for a moment just savouring the little peace and memory that you'll most likely keep for a long while.

well that was until, "du du du du max verstappen."

"really?"

– comments and reblogs appreciated

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prettiedup · 10 months ago

Note

GOJO X READER X GETO

“t-this is fu-fucking torture.” satoru weakly cries out. he lazily lifts his head only to be met with the sight of your pussy wrapped and gushing around his cock. his breathing is knocked out of his chest when suguru’s thick cock suddenly slams back into him, making satoru cry out a loud moan.

tears water his waterline. he wishes he could grab you by your hips and fuck up into your tight heat. he glares up at you, there’s a smug smile om your beautiful face as you bounce up and down on his length. seeing your breast bounce along with your movements has him licking his hips, wishing he could suck on your nipples.

suguru isn’t making the situation any better. he’s slamming his length in and out of satoru’s lubed hole, satoru can’t do anything but whine as the two of you fuck him like some sort of slut.

“sugu.” you dare to moan even though you’re getting pleasure from satoru. your moans are breathy, a telltale sign that you’re about to cum. you’re moaning out suguru’s name but looking down at satoru with ‘come fuck me’ eyes. and not to mention that lip bite—fuck, satoru could feel his own orgasm building up.

“gonna cum all over his dick, princess?” suguru hisses, he doesn’t bother looking up from where him and satoru are connected. excessive lube and drops of precum slips from satoru’s hole, easily guiding and slicking suguru’s cock. “mmm, make a mess over him, babygirl.” suguru tells you. he snakes one of his hands in front of you and presses his index finger against your clit.

your back arches and your bouncing falters. the little dominant front you put on easily crumbles as you look down at satoru once more. he knows what you want—his permission. you search in his eyes for any type of agreement that you can finally let go and cum around his cock.

satoru licks his lips as he stares up at you. a pout finds its way onto your lips, you try to hold back your growing orgasm but it becomes harder and harder. shallow breaths escape from deep in your chest.

“p-please.” you mewl out. you’re so so so close and with suguru pressing down on your sensitive bud, there’s no way you’re gonna last a minute longer.

“mhm, cum f’me.” satoru whimpers. suguru picks his speed up and fucks into satoru faster. the soft plap fills the room as he stretches his hole. satoru wiggles from his spot on the bed, you’re gripping around him and riding him like your personal dildo while suguru is fucking him like he’s a fucktoy. “fuhh—gonna fuckin’ cum.”

“papa.” you moan out to suguru as your orgasm crashes over you. your back arches, giving suguru a delightful view of your pussy creaming all over satoru’s cock. “m’fuckin’ cummin’!” you whine out. you body jerks and shivers before you’re falling on top of a moaning satoru.

your lips find his, the two of you begin sharing hungry kisses. your teeth and tongues clash against each other, you’re both moaning, giving suguru a view of the two people he loved the most being absolutely disgusting with one another.

“babygirl, our toru ‘s so close to cumming.” suguru hums examining the way satoru’s stomach clenches and the way his thighs tense every so often. “can you use that mouth on his dick instead?” he coos at you.

you’re quick to pull away from satoru. as you lift yourself off of his cock, you let out a soft moan. you could still feel how wet you are in between your thighs as you get on all fours and prop satoru’s cockhead into your mouth.

“fuckkkk.” satoru whimpers, he wishes so badly to be able to push your head down further and fuck your throat. to make you gag and choke until you’re patting his thigh due to how restricted your breathing is. his low eyes rise up from you to suguru. his cock twitches in your mouth when he realizes suguru is already looking at him.

“gonna cum for us, baby?” suguru asks. his voice is sultry and deep. satoru could only nod his head as he continued to look suguru deep into his dark eyes.

satoru wants to just touch someone—something. his hands being handcuffed behind his back is driving him crazy. he becomes whinier as he lifts his hips to both meet suguru’s thrusts and to attempt to fuck deeper into your mouth.

“cum then, toru. cum in our princess’s mouth.” suguru continues to egg him on. he’s lazily rolling his hips, and still managing to hit that spot that has satoru seeing stars.

“papa.” the word slips weakly from satoru’s mouth and if suguru were to ask later on if he said it he would absolutely deny it. his orgasm hits hard, it feels like he ran into a brick wall from the way his breathing is knocked out of his chest. his legs tense and his hole clenches tighter around suguru’s cock.

you moan in delight at the taste of satoru’s thick cum. you keep your mouth suctioned around his tip, greedily sucking up all of his cum. you’re moaning too as if you were receiving some type of stimulation also.

satoru lays there flatly as his orgasm comes to an halt. there’s ringing in his ears and he can barely think clearly.

“sh-shit. princess, c’mere.” suguru tells you. he grabs you by your hair and drags you off of satoru’s cock. “open.” he tells you as he pulls out of satoru and begins stroking his cock in front of your face.

and like the good girl you are, you happily open your mouth and wait for his cum also. suguru lets out a few stray moans before he’s cumming also. his cum ins’t as thick as satoru’s but its enough. he empties himself into your mouth, his cum mixes in with satoru’s, creating a pool in your mouth.

“swallow, baby.” he tells you. you do as told before sticking your tongue out, showing him how bare your tongue is now. “good girl.” he coos before leaning down and pressing a kiss against your lips and because he’s icky, he swipes his tongue into your mouth so that he could taste both himself and satoru. “so pretty.” he comments.

“that was hot ‘nd all but can someone please take these cuffs off of me.” satoru groans, ruining the moment.

#prettiedup ♡#prettiedup’s jjk fics .ᐟ satosugu #jujutsu kaisen #gojo satoru x reader #gojo smut #satoru x reader #geto smut #satosugu x reader #2isbetterthan1

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chilumi-shipper · 1 year ago

Text

Mama and Papa

Neuvillette x Fem!Reader

Warnings: NSFW, Smut, Breeding Kink, Cockwarming, Creampie

Summary: You absolutely adore the Melusines, treating every single one as if they're you're own child. That tenderness you hold dear for the cute little creatures was what drew the Chief Justice to you in the first place, seeing how even the tough Melusine guards seem to indulge and melt into your motherly embrace. However, for some reason, the scene of you all sweet and caring with the Melusines invoked another feeling from Neuvillette, one more... flithy and sinister than mere adoration.

~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~

His eyes can't help but wander...

From the papers on his desk, all the way to your figure sitting on the floor. Two little Melusines accompanied you, one sleeping on your lap, the other behind you and braiding your hair.

The serenity of the scene before him prevented him from keeping his eyes off you... your presence was simply too alluring.

"Miss Y/N, are you our Mama?" Sedene, the one braiding your hair, suddenly asked, opting a surprised look from you, as well as your lover just a few feet away from you.

There was innocence in the little darlings eyes, "You are very nice to us, just like a Mama." She reasoned her question as she finishes off your braid with a bow.

"Hmmm, I guess I am your Mama! If you want me to be." You answered, caressing Sedene's cheek. "And that means that Neuvillette over there is your Papa!"

The Chief Justice assessed what had just unfolded in front of him, the cutest interaction he's ever seen in, perhaps, his entire life. Sedene's eyes met his, expectantly waiting for a confirmation of what you said.

"I suppose that makes sense." He answered the Melusine's questioning gaze, enjoying the huge smile that was brought to her face as she looks back at you.

That is when Neuvillette can truly take in the situation...

You and him... Mama and Papa...

Being parents together, that would mean seeing you with a swollen belly, nurturing a baby born of his and your love...

From him breeding you and coating your insides with his cum, your breasts would be producing milk for your child, and you would look absolutely radiant completely naked for him to please make love to and-

"Papa!" Neuvillette was taken out of his (very filthy) trance when Liliath, the one previously asleep on your lap, yells for him.

When he looked at her though, the Melusine gasps, "It's true..." She then looks back at Sedene. "He is our Papa! He looked when I called him Papa!"

"That's what Mama said!"

You giggled at their conversation, none the wiser of the piercing eyes that stared at you and was currently picturing you in his dirty fantasies.

~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~

"W-Woahh... darling, hold on..." Your words seem to only come out as a breath, closing your eyes as you hold on for dear life.

He had you in a mating press, keeping your legs pressed against your chest as he eases into you slowly. Neuvillette is rather big, and you held desperately on his arms as he shoved himself all the way in.

He lets out a deep groan when he finally started to move, immediately opting for a fast pace. "Darling... I-" Neuvillette found it hard to get his words out, the feeling of your pussy squeezing him tight was far too good to be interrupted by his thoughts.

He was being rough with you, holding tight onto your thighs, thrusting hard into you, making sure to mover around so that you feel him fill you up to the brim with his cock. It wasn't like your usual love making... this one... he means business...

And boy, did you feel what he meant by the way his cock pounded you over and over, giving your pulsating cunt the pleasure that it wants.

Your husband couldn't be more hot at that moment, so focused on drilling into you, looking intently at where you connect. "I love you, Y/N." He whispered into the air breathlessly, eyes shut as he felt your insides squeeze him.

"I love you too..." you caressed his face and smiled, feeling full of love... in more ways than one.

As you continued, he pounded you even faster, a clear sign that he's about to cum. He would usually pull out already, preparing to coat your breasts with his hot seed.

However, he remains inside you, thrusting continuously, making you call out for him. "Neuvi... Ahhhh...." You moaned as you grabbed onto his arm. "I'm gonna... I need to..."

"Inside."

"Ahhhhg... What...?" You half moaned out, looking at him as you were almost blissed out from his cock fucking you so good.

"I want to cum inside you, Darling..." He said in such a dangerously low voice, sending shivers down your spine. "Will you let me?" He slowed down his thrusts into you, looking at you, almost begging.

You were rather shocked at his request, looking at him wordlessly.

"Please, darling..." He whispered once again. "Wanna breed you..."

And that did it for you, you nodded immediately, allowing him to do as he please.

You moaned loud as you came together, you feeling extremely fucked out as you felt his cum coat your insides, "Ohhh, Neuvi..." He buried his face on the crook of your neck, not bothering to take his cock out of your pussy.

"Thank you... I love you..." He said, his voice muffled by your skin. He inhaled your sweet smell before rolling to your side, holding you close so that you could cockwarm him and keep him all nice and warm. He also wanted to make sure that his cum would stay inside you.

"You know, Neuvillette..." You started in a rather teasing tone. "I think it would take more than one round for you to actually breed me..." You moved to be on to of him, sitting on his cock as you smile almost innocently.

You felt his cock stiffen inside you, making you giggle. "Don't worry, Darling... I'll make sure you get what you want..." You kissed him on the lips, your hips starting to move up and down.

"Breed me, Darling..."

~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~

I absolutely love Melusines and now I have adopted every single one of them. I am now their mother.

Thanks for reading, I hope you enjoy my once a year update!

#neuvillette #neuvilette genshin #genshin impact x reader #genshin impact imagines #genshin impact #genshin impact smut #genshin smut #genshin impact neuvillette #neuvilette x reader #neuvillette smut

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nerdygirlramblings · 1 month ago

Text

The 141 and being "our wife" (for @beloveds-embrace based on this)

You're up to your elbows in flour, prepping the dough for Yorkshire pudding, when you hear the rumble of an engine in the drive. You wait until it's followed by four thunks before drawing in a deep breath.

Just as you're about to shout up the stairs, you hear a set of footsteps thunder down from the second floor.

"Dad's home!" your oldest, Kinsey, shouts to you.

"I heard hunny," you call back. "Can you get the door? I'm sure Papa's going to have a bunch of things with him."

"Alright, Mom," Kinsey says. It sounds like she's in the entryway. You hear the squeak of the hinges as she opens the front door. As it does, you hear your youngest's happy scream. Bailey must be able to see out the window.

"Da! Da! Da! Da!" he babbles.

"Yes, Bae, that's Daddy," you hear your middle child, Emma, tell him. You smile to yourself, proud of how well your kids get along. You're still musing over your little family when a rumble pulls you out of your reverie.

"Hey, Kins," John's voice says. "Where's your mama?"

"Mama's in the kitchen," Emma responds.

"Emma, my sunshine!" he crows. You hear her giggle and can only imagine John's picking her up and probably tossing her into the air. A squeal proves your instinct right.

"Munchkin!" you hear Simon call. He must have been just behind John.

You hear Kinsey groan at the nickname, but it's impossible to miss the smile in her voice when she says, "Welcome home, Dad."

It's Johnny's voice you hear next. "Where's my Em girl?" he says. It's followed by a grunt, a squeal, and and a, "Watch it, MacTavish," in John's deep baritone. Johnny probably snatched the girl right out of John's arms.

You hear the wheels of Bailey's walker rattle along the floor as Kyle's voice joins the fray. "Baby boy! You've gotten so big!"

Bailey coos, "Da. Da. Da. Da," at him, which earns a guffaw from Johnny.

"Tha's yer Daddy. I'm Da!"

As you listened to your children greet their fathers, you put the dough into the cooker and are washing up. You wipe your wet hands on the tea towel, and a pair of strong hands fall on your waist. The man smells like sunshine and tobacco.

John's beard tickles your throat when he leans to kiss you. "Thank you, Mama," he whispers. You know from previous deployments he's thanking you for waiting for them, for caring for the kids in their absence, for carrying the weight of everything by yourself. "We're home now." He punctuates his message with another kiss as you feel Simon enter the room.

You step away from John's embrace to wrap your arms around as much of Simon as you can manage. You don't say anything, and neither does he. He drops a kiss on the hair and holds you tight for one minute, then two. When you feel him unfurl, tension seeping away, you finally whisper, "Welcome home, Si."

"Missed you, Mama," he replies. He gives you another tight squeeze before stepping back. You turn to find Kyle leaning against the door frame. He smiles at you, and you open your arms for him.

He picks you up with a spin. "Ky," you giggle, feeling decades younger.

"Mama," he says, "it smells amazing in here." He smiles at you. "You take such good care of us." He pulls you against him and brushes his lips across yours. "Thank you," he murmurs.

"Always," you reply, cupping his cheek. You close your eyes and press your forehead to his. "Always," you whisper again.

Finally, Johnny's behind you, practically pulling you from Kyle's hug. "Stop hogging our missus, Garrick. I didnae get a turn yet." You see Kyle roll his eyes, but he lets you go, passing you gently into Johnny's arms. "Mama," Johnny says, looking you in the eye. "It's so good tae be home."

You wrap your arms around his neck, playing with the hair at the base of his skull. "It's good to have you all home." You close your eyes and breathe deeply. You try to blink them away, but you feel the tears lining your eyes. "So so good."

This last deployment was longer than anyone thought it would be. After three months, they went radio silent, and if Kate hadn't been giving you updates, you would have been out tracking your men across the desert. Six months alone. Six months raising three kids on your own. Six months worrying about them every day.

But they were home now. And that was enough.

#cod #poly!141 #poly!141 x reader #tf 141 #tf 141 x reader #kyle garrick #simon riley #john price #johnny mactavish #nerdygirl says

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grimmweepers · 6 months ago

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— ☆ contents: sfw, dad!sukuna handling the morning routine with your girls while you're away, fem!reader, vague hair descriptors for your babies (mention of messy hair and braids), maybe a little ooc, 0.8k wc | masterlist

"Please do our hair, Papa!"

And just like that, their adorable cheeks and flashy grins worked their magic, turning the rare morning without you into a delightful little circus.

It was honestly a travesty, a cosmic joke of the highest order that Sukuna—a man of men, built like he was meant to father sons upon sons—had been blessed with two daughters. And not just any daughters but two miniature versions of you.

You used to get so stressed leaving him alone with them but as they grew into their little personalities, you realised it wasn’t the girls you needed to worry about—it was him.

Sukuna stood in front of the mirror, holding a comb in his hand like it was a foreign weapon, and your youngest, who was perched on a stool in front of him, frowned when she saw that after all his awkward attempts, her hair was still a wild mess.

"Mama doesn't do it like this," she said matter-of-factly. All of four years old but already an expert in hair etiquette, apparently.

He sighed, glancing at her in the mirror with a look of defeat. “Well, guess what? Mama’s not here,” he gruffed, although his mouth twitched upward in amusement, "So you’ve gotta deal with me.”

She pouted as she crossed her little arms, scrunching her nose while giving him the tiniest glare. Sukuna chuckled at the sight. She looked just like you.

“But Mama doesn’t hurt me,” accusatory eyes pierced into her father as if the tugs at her scalp were intentional.

He stopped, deadpan, like he was facing the toughest opponent of his life. “You think I’m trying to hurt you on purpose?” He pointed at the comb, “This thing’s got a mind of its own.”

Your eldest daughter, who had been lounging on the futon and flipping through a picture book, piped up with a smirk, “Mama says you need to be gentle, Papa.”

“Gentle?” he muttered under his breath. She heard him regardless and nodded back at him.

Another dramatic exhale left his lips. He started again, much slower this time, painstakingly working the brush through his daughter’s hair. “Alright, princess, by the time I’m done, you’ll look so pretty, Mama's gonna be jealous. She might even eat you.”

The youngest giggled at that, wiggling in her stool as Sukuna brushed through the last tangle without any major casualties. As he tied off the braid with a ribbon, he stepped back, standing tall with his hands on his hips, impressed with his own work. “There,” he said with more confidence than he probably should, “Nailed it.”

She gave him a sidelong glance, still skeptical but he could see the admiration she was trying to hide, “It’s… okay,” she declared her final verdict. She was acting like it wasn’t the best job though her tone said otherwise.

Meanwhile, your eldest, still on the futon, didn’t miss a beat. “Mama would’ve done it faster.”

Of course, they adore you. Everyone did. But when you weren't around, Sukuna—who could wipe out an entire army with a single swipe and set whole villages aflame—found himself outmatched by a hair comb and two pint-sized versions of the love of his life. It’s no wonder you were able to tame the girls.

But he caught your eldest sliding a thumbs up from behind her book, her way of saying—It looks good, Papa.

And he thinks maybe he’s doing alright. Although, if you were here you would’ve probably swooped in and rescued him long ago whilst being heavily amused by his struggle. Of the two of you, it wasn't difficult to figure out who was more gentle and patient. He swore you could do motherhood in your sleep and he already knew you would tease him later about this.

“You’re thinking about Mama, aren’t you?” Your eldest asked with a mischievous twinkle in her eye, catching him off guard.

“What makes you say that?” He blinked at her. That slyness? Maybe she took after him more than he'd realised.

She shrugged with all the wisdom of a seven year old who’s already figured out her father. “You always get that look on your face when you’re missing her.”

Sukuna shook his head, “Well, your Mama makes this look easy.” He went back to inspecting his youngest’s head knowing deep down it was far from the flawless work you would’ve done, “Okay, princess. You’re good to go.” She beamed at him and hopped off the stool, happily oblivious to the way the ribbon had already started slipping.

As soon as she scampered off to grab her stuffed bear, he turned his attention to his eldest again, who was quirking her eyebrow and looking every bit like you.

“Listen, kid. Don’t think you’re getting out of this,” he pointed at the stool while giving her a playful glare, “Your turn.”

a/n: holding all of your hands during these trying times. this has been sitting in my draft since august so im glad it's finally out huehue

dividers by @/adornedwithlight

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girlivealwaysbean · 2 months ago

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family politics is sooo ridiculous but also kinda fun lol

#im SOO turning into my parents but it's so fun to bitch about literally everyone that's ever wronged us lmao #i hate my chachu chachi family so much like soo sooooo much lol. they took all our money #and are literally wasting it they're so stupid to me and so so fake #mom isn't here so they're being all come to our house what will you do alone #im like wtf!!!!! wdym alone!!! we'll live in our own house happily and freely lmao it's OUR house #I didn't live three months in that shithole and then come home just to hang out with you and eat your food like leave me tf alone😭#i love my sofa and my tv and my kitchen and i love making my own food and eating in front of the tv it's everything to me #but omg food is so important to me this is the happiest ive been in so long #i already ate three things from my bucket list #which is locha #chinese #and dahi puri #and now im going to eat ice cream and my dad is soo happy with me because im giving #him all the tea so he didn't even ask about how much money we spent lol😭 it hit his pride when i told him #that my chachi was like what will you eat how will you survive he was like excuse me wdym how will they survive #bol deti mere papa ne humari pockets bhari bhari bharke bheji hai (jokingly)#so i think he's very chill mood so im going to eat ice cream cake now hehe

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tender-rosiey · 2 years ago

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pretty babies – gojo satoru x f!reader

a/n: idk about yall but I love me some drunk gojo

satoru never drinks, but when he does, ohoho, you’re in for quite the ride.

today was one of the days when he was less of a chaotic handful but more of an emotional mess who apparently can’t even remember his own wife. you sip on your drink, ignoring the drunk satoru leaning on the bar.

he slurs his words as he tries to flirt, “you’re sooo pretty, y’know that?”

you nod with a hum and give him no further reaction. in situations like these, you figured out that letting him go all out until he is tired and sleepy is the best solution. it really is like treating a baby.

thankfully, after many years of being in the presence of one gojo satoru, you’ve built up some patience.

he rests his head on the counter and he looks up at you, eyes wide and in awe, “I bet,” he hiccups and it is followed by a silly little giggle, “we’d make superrrr cute babies! like all round and chubby and we’d much on their cheeks like…mochi! yes! mochi…now I am hungry.”

a smirk makes an appearance on your face as you glance at satoru who is blabbering about building a family with you and spoiling you rotten.

a little teasing won’t harm anyone. so you quip, “you know,” and his attention is already on you, “you already gave me three super cute babies.”

his mouth is wide open in disbelief as he sits up, “no way!”

“yup! and they’re waiting at home for us.”

his eyes crinkle because of his wide grin, “really?!” he pulls you into a bone-crushing hug, “you got photos?! please tell me that you do!” and he switches to a pout so quickly, it gives you whiplash.

however, you gladly pull out your phone and show him the multitude of photos you have.

ones ranging from him being in a crib to help the youngest one sleep to ones with two of the three kids ganging up on him and him desperately calling for your help. satoru goes through every single photo, head on your shoulder and cheek squished.

he is silent throughout it all and when he is done, he looks up at you, “so that means that you’re my wife?”

you nod and your fingers, naturally, find their place on his head. he feels a little shiver of satisfaction before he smiles, one lovesick and silly smile, “I really hit the jackpot.”

you laugh, pressing a kiss to the top of his head, “I guess you did.”

so you take him back home where the kids are already asleep. satoru crashes on the bed right away, steady breaths filling the room. slowly, you take your place beside him and you feel his arms wrap around you.

he pulls you closer and buries his face in your hair. and you close your eyes, letting yourself be lulled to the land of dreams.

when you do wake up, you’re greeted by satoru literally on top of you and deep in sleep. you would like to let him sleep more especially since he looks so comfortable, but you’re going to suffocate at this rate. so you pat his back lightly, “satoru, honey, wake up.”

he groans and buries his face in the crook of your neck, grumbling something along the lines of ‘five more minutes’.

not budging? then fine, you decide. you take as deep of a breath as you can then call for your kids, “who will help mama?!”

it’s quiet and you can feel satoru smirking against your skin. it looks like he won, but then a bunch of footsteps are heard and it’s your turn to smirk.

your husband lifts his head to glare at you—of course, not without sporting one of his famous pouts.

the door is then slammed open and your eldest son is there, “WHO DARES HURT OUR MAMA?!”

he gasps, very dramatically like a certain someone, and points at his dad, “PAPA?! you’re suffocating mama!”

“again?!” your daughter pops up from behind her brother, staring at her dad in disbelief.

they both stand beside your bed glaring at him and he glares back, the three of them forgetting why you called for your kids in the first place. so you do them a favor and remind them, “satoru…I AM GOING TO DIE LIKE THIS!”

satoru is pulled back by his shirt and your kids take turns in—trying—to beat him up. you get up, greedily breathing air till you’re satisfied. you ignore the screams of your husband until you’re done with your morning routine.

luckily enough, when you got out of the bathroom, you found no one except your husband.

laying on the ground.

presumably dead.

with a bunch of drawings on his face and his hair contained with multiple hair bands.

you snap a picture of him very quickly then you sit on the ground next to his corpse. you poke his butt and he groans, making you giggle, “what happened to the strongest sorcerer?”

he turns towards you with a small frown, “his pretty wife didn’t kiss him good morning so he had no energy to fight,” his head snaps towards the two tiny figures giggling behind the door, “these monsters.”

they squeal and run away once again before he catches them.

you gently take the hair bands off, “you’re lucky that our youngest devil is still asleep,” you then smooth down his hair and pat his head, “I love the smiley faces on your cheeks.”

he whines and rests his head on your shoulder, “stop bullying me!”

you hum and stroke his hair, “you know, you did something pretty cute yesterday.”

“I am always cute; what’re you talking about?”

“you flirted with me, your wife, and said we would make ‘super cute!’ babies,” you reveal and satoru seems unbothered. in fact, he seems proud and very happy with himself so you continue, “so I had to remind you of our three little devils and then I showed you pictures.”

he stands up, posing all confidently, “what can I say? I excel at everything even being cute—“

“then you cried like a little baby when I showed you my picture post labor and kept apologizing.”

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do not copy or plagiarize or you will be reported

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eccentricwritingbaby · 8 months ago

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f1 driver's bday posts for their babies

daniel ricciardo, lando norris, charles leclerc, lewis hamilton, carlos sainz jr, oscar piastri, logan sargeant, max verstappen, george russell

masterlist

danielricciardo - it's these two's birthday so the twin's are old now??? stop growing up! your dad commands it!!

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youruser - their mum commands it too!! they've gotten too big 🥺

danielricciardo - maybe it’s time to try for more … youruser - push two kids back to back out of you and then we’ll talk about more danielricciardo - 🤐

user1 - i feel like just yesterday the twins were born

user2 - ME TOO!! i miss the redbull days when they were so so small user1 - ikrrrrr 🥺🥺

user3 - i forgot how cute they are omfg 🥰

maxverstappen1 - playdate with p again when??

kellypiquet - ^^she’s been asking!! ❤️ youruser - so have they!! drop by anytime 💖 danielricciardo - come to the farm 😀 maxverstappen1 - danielricciardo no.

user4 - i love that they’re so close with p it’s adorable

user5 - i mean they were babies together at redbull so user6 - that's so cute 🥲

user7 - mclaren jumpscare

landonorris - chat i'm afraid the monster's grown now. birthday boy will forever be a messy boy tho, some things never change with age.

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youruser - my sweet boy, takes after you a little too much 😆

landonorris - and what's that supposed to mean? 🤨 maxfewtrell - you're a slob, just like my godson carlossainz55 - godson?? 🧐

user1 - he really is lando 2.0

user2 - youruser is really living my dream

user3 - NO FR!! cutest baby and hottest husband 😩 user4 - like how does it feel to be god's favourite???!!

mclaren - happy birthday mini norris! 🧡

user5 - even mclaren admin is obsessed with the little lad user6 - who wouldn't be?!

oscarpiastri - my nephew's getting so big

maxfewtrell - nephew??!! carlossainz55 - nephew??!! oscarpiastri - nephew!!!!

charles_leclerc - ma petite fille, joyeux anniversaire! mon monde entier et ma douce fille, papa t'aime tellement :)

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youruser - aye! she's getting too big! mon ange <3

charles_leclerc - our sweet baby ❤️

user1 - little leclerc is too cute

user2 - remember when she was born 🥺 user1 - how could anyone forget 🥺❤️

scuderiaferrari - happy birthday baby leclerc! ❤️❤️

pierregasly - let kika and i babysit again!!

francisca.cgomes - yes!! let us babysit 💖 charles_leclerc - you almost didn't give her back last time?? pierregasly - not our fault she's adorable youruser - i'll give you that one

arthur_leclerc - her favorite uncle can't wait to see her!

lorenzotl - 🤨 carlossainz55 - 🤨 pierregasly - 🤨 arthur_leclerc - i stand by my statement.

lewishamilton - it's my baby's birthday! my beautiful girl is four, can't wait for many more memories to come with my little love

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youruser - the last picture 😭 she's just too cute!

lewishamilton - gets it all from you, youruser youruser - 🥰😘

nicolashamilton - my lovely niece! give her a happy birthday kiss for me!

youruser - alwayss ❤️ lewishamilton - she said she misses her uncle!

user1 - the mini gwagon 😭 she's adorably spoiled

user2 - with lewis hamilton as her dad? i think she always will be lewishamilton - exactly!

roscoelovescoco - i's love's you's birfday girl 🥰

user3 - i love that lewis comments for roscoe user4- i know he's laying in bed laughing doing it too 😭

mercedesamgf1 - our merc princess! happy birthday! 🖤

user3 - oh to have lewis hamilton be my father

user4 - right??! the most stylish baby with everything she wants user3 - so jealous of a four year old rn ...

carlossainz55 - mi niño pequeño ya no es tan pequeño, feliz segundo cumpleaños hijo, pronto karting! 💪🏼💪🏼

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youruser - two years old already! time is flying!

carlossainz55 - flying like he will be on the track soon youruser - im going to choose to ignore that carlossainz55 - 😐

landonorris - ok so when can i babysit again

carlossainz55 - you lost him last time???!! landonorris - WE WERE PLAYING HIDE AND SEEK youruser - no.

user1 - he's so small omfg

user2 - so cute 🥺

user3 - are we all just brushing past lando losing him?

landonorris - HE WAS STILL IN MY APARTMENT IT WAS FINE charles_leclerc - whatever you say mate landonorris - HE'S A VERY FAST BABY lewishamilton - sure, kid

scuderiaferrari - the sweetest baby in red! ❤️

carlossainzofficial - mi nieto, feliz cumpleaños!!

youruser - he won't stop asking for you, abuelo! carlossainz55 - ven aquí! carlossainzofficial - on my way!

oscarpiastri - happy birthday to my aussie beach baby! to many more sunsets and rises

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youruser - many more sunsets 🧡💛

oscarpiastri - always, love 💛🧡 user1 - the hearts 🥺 i wanna love like theirs user2 - RIGHT!?

mclaren - does the birthday girl need some more merch?

oscarpiastri - we'd never turn down some papaya

user3 - she really is just a beach baby

user4 - i feel like they're always there 😭😭 youruser - gotta give her the best experiences! user4 - that's so sweet 🥺

landonorris - she's just so wee

oscarpiastri - wee little papaya baby landonorris - my favourite! 🧡

logansargeant - hugs and kisses for the birthday baby!

oscarpiastri - always, mate!

logansargeant - baby birthday baby birthday!! a whole year old and plenty more to come from my girl

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youruser - the buc-ee's hat😭

logansargeant - she had to experience the vibes youruser - and i believe she enjoyed it 🙃 logansargeant - everyone who goes, does enjoy it!

user1 - the fourth of july picture 🥺

user2 - she's so smallllll 🥰

oscarpiastri - tiny baby

logansargeant - wym she's gotten huge oscarpiastri - you've got dad brain, mate, she's tiny

alex_albon - my baby! come over and visit with her...now

youruser - only if lily's there, i don't trust you alone with my child alex_albon - logansargeant are you hearing this?? lilymhe - baby...you shouldn't be alone with her logansargeant - lilymhe thank you alex_albon - i will not accept this 😖

maxverstappen1 - he's five now! verstappen legacy is about to live on as he starts karting 😡💪🏼

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youruser - he's so big now! fifth pic he was just a babe

maxverstappen1 - he's almost all grown up youruser - do not make me cry right now verstappen user1 - into the dog house he goes

danielricciardo - mate, he might take your seat soon

maxverstappen1 - he's gotta fight for it danielricciardo - he 100% will maxverstappen1 - i know 😂 user2 - this kid is so loved yet challenged user3 - max is healing his inner child with his own little boy user4 - i know 🥺

redbullracing - you're just warming the seat for our star, which is him

maxverstappen1 - i already know, verstappen dominance crossing centuries landonorris - can you just give us a break, mate maxverstappen1 - no.

user5 - he looks just like his dad 🥺