#Fuck this environment lol Im giving myself one last month

[rheakira]

Would it really make a big difference at this point if this account stopped updating.

My time in fandom has become almost exclusively miserable and while I still want to draw and make things I enjoy, I just feel kind of sick looking at this place. Its like people are either way too comfortable being lame to others or people are extremely cozy with letting people be awful. I don't even want to look at this place anymore even as I'm making works related.

Honestly joining in the first place was a mistake, but it really has just been an overall horrendous. Worse than I ever could have imagined. And what's worse, outing things I know in public will most likely only turn back on me, so I'm permanently trapped. This is probably being read with so much confusion.

I might be disappearing from this site. It won't put a big dent in this fan base because it will move on like nothing happened. I'm just really tired lately. Waking up and feeling like I'm dying isn't worth this nonsense really.

[thetoaddaddy]

i goofies a little during the interview ;A; about timing on extensions cuz im used to doing one week fills not 4 week on myself so im fast as fuck on that. So I’ll clarify on that when I go back in cuz it’s bothering my ocd brain and I don’t wanna embarrass myself when I get extension clients. But im happy i landed a practical interview! The owner was really informative and chill. She seems to really understand im a little out of practice and willing to educate me. Gave me way better vibes than my last job did. Its only part time but if i get it i can work on my side biz and maybe other at home practicing as well as continuing education/certifications! She was all about that sort of thing and happy im willing to keep going after certifications.

She asked me a lot about my experiences as a cashier. Most interesting question i got was if i got an opportunity in six months at somewhere else would i take it? Which i said depending if i fit well here and if i could do both i would consider it. Which she talked a lot about loyalty which is what she’s looking for. Which i get. I thought i goofed up until she said “you are loyal under the right leadership which i see here at ur cash job. So if I can be the right leader to you I believe you’d stay loyal here.” Which damn. Interesting question and a great perspective! I am pretty loyal under good leadership. I’d say im pretty low maintenance all i really need is decent coworkers and a real schedule. So I agree. I’m a good follower if I respect my leader lol.

She asked me why I was only at my last job for a few months and I told her because of scheduling issues. I had to ask every day and would have to prod and pester for my hours. To which she was surprised by. I wonder if she’ll call em… I didn’t mention the environment got pretty toxic. I didn’t put them as a reference on my resume cuz I know they won’t respect the law about not giving a poor reference. But hey i respond best to good leadership. Not weenies with a vendetta against my school that fuck over new graduates to get back at them. So that was my interview! I just felt like sharing cuz im amped up >w<

[pyrait]

On my adolescence

I've taken it upon myself to revive this ol' blog.

I was eighteen when i was last active on here. Graduating high school. Before that, i'd been reposting a lot of um, not-so-inspirational not-so-healthy pics of half-naked women of a certain body type if you know what i mean.

Harder than looking at others' skeletal bodies, was coming to understand deeply the feelings that where going through my own body at that age. Starting from 15 years old, i had a pretty tough time. Undiagnosed mental issues, diagnosed eds, negligent and abusive family members, and a lack luster social life is something i cannot just erase from my past. However, i've always felt this urge to hold on tightly to the resentment these tragic stories meant to me, fearing that since no one else seemed to pity me for it, if i decided to let them go, all of my suffering would've been for nothing.

I really thought that magically, once i had everything worked out and "suffered long enough", the universe or my ancestors' ghosts or god or whatever would congratulate me with a bag of coins and a puppy to my doorstep. :p

And well, i kinda got everything I wanted. I've moved out of my parents' into my own big apartment, i have a loving long-term partner, a bunch of diverse friends that are kind and soft, i graduated from my undergrad and got a job right out the gate.

Would you be surprised if i told you that i felt more miserable than i ever had after all this? Ofc you wouldnt.

A classic story of crazy expectations. Coupled with not knowing who the fuck you really are or want beside the "wants" you plea for yourself.

I've spent the last month or so in bed, half depressed, half slacking. Asking myself what's so wrong with me.

During that time i realized some things. 1) i can't expect some divine reward for anything. 2) no one's gonna come on a white horse and save me and 3) in short, my life is mine and only mine to build and enjoy.

And believe it or not, a crucial piece to this whole self-loathing mystery was in this here blog, lol.

Despite how nostalgic i usually am, i never revisited this blog before. While exploring old reblogs and personal confessionals, besides the obvious body image and eating issues i had, what caught my attention at first was how i actually had... tastes.

Like, i liked pretty pictures, and aesthetics. I had a soft spot for beautiful landscapes. I loved art and history even then. It might seem banal but I realized the girl i thought was only a caricature of suffering and awkwardness was more than that. We shared the same worries. We both thought that our time was running out, that we were both undercooked, immature.

I was a kid. Unfortunately, due to the environment i was in (all girls school, conservative vibes) the only outlet for self development of my adolescence i had was through the lens of sexuality. Basically, being a teen girl was all about being skinny, hot and luring in boys. I remember distinctly making out and giving out my body to a university guy just to feel pretty, or getting an bad-boy-later-on-actually-abusive boyfriend in order to increase my social capital in school.

I didn't really get to explore my teenage years in the way i see others do. With much more flexibility to figure out what you like and don't like. I also don't really have a lot of great or exciting memories from back then, unfortunately. But, what's important to me here is that ive been able to see how this narrative i used to have about me always being confused and devoid of personality was all just, the insecurities of a girl i am not anymore, but that i love profoundly and genuinely.

Truth is, at my old(?)ish age, I was kinda blaming everything wrong on the trauma my parents gave me, on how my peers ostracized me, on how intelligent yet misunderstood i was. Just, a bunch of stories that are definitely engaging, but unproductive and definitely untrue and unhelpful if i am to become a sentient adult who just, lives their life.

Im opinionated, smart, sensitive, nostalgic, beautiful inside and out. im creative, hardworking and ambitious, and im working on becoming a more compassionate leader who builds a life for themselves full of boundless love and generosity.

I don't relate to that depressed girl anymore. If anything Im a newly renovated, depressed adult :D jk, but i see the opportunities ahead, something i didnt for a long time.

love,

[purplesurveys]

896

Would you ever try Fear Factor for one million dollars? Why or why not? Yes. It would make for hilarious stories for get-togethers and I think that winning a million dollars that I could use up for the rest of my life doing some dumb dares for a few hours would be worth it. If you have a camera, when do you use flash? Only if it’s dim. I don’t like the effect that flash gives. What would you do with eighty-three crazy straws? Find an aunt or uncle with a kid who’s having a birthday party soon so they can use the straws as giveaways or something. If you use hair spray, what brand do you use the most? I don’t.  Is Catcher in the Rye in your library by any chance? It’s probably in another college’s library, most likely our college for the arts and letters. There’s no reason for it to be in a mass communication library.

What if there was no such thing as the word 'one'? Then that would imply that we have/have to have plurals of everything, which just sounds a bit bizarre to me.

What do you have automatic sympathy for? The 11,000 employees of the country’s biggest broadcasting network that was recently officially shut down by our – surprise surprise – government. These are people who weren’t even involved in the network’s franchise renewal status (which was/is the main issue), people who have families, people who relied on these jobs to get by during a worldwide pandemic, people who loved their jobs, people who found family in these jobs, It’s absolutely crazy how people can defend their stance against the network and justify the loss of 11,000 jobs. What is a cool disposable object? I don’t know who looks at disposable objects and thinks they’re ‘cool,’ but the first thing I thought of was my vape pen of choice, which are disposable. It has enough puffs to last several months with me so it’s more convenient for me to keep buying them than spending a large amount on a refillable one. Hilary Duff or Lindsay Lohan? Why? Hilary Duff as Lizzie McGuire is more nostalgic to me; I used to watch it nearly everyday. I never watched Lindsay’s movies other than Herbie. What do you think of the actor Michael Cera? No opinion but I remember the time when he was often used on 9Gag memes. Simpler times lol. Anyway, I haven’t seen any of his movies. What is the best thing about a Barbie doll? I think it’s really fun how they’ve come up with a bazillion outfits for Barbies and Kens. And different versions too – as far as I know there’s been a Filipino Barbie for a while :) What is something you'd say in your will? If I passed any time soon I’d like to include some things about my dogs and how they’re supposed to be taken care of. If we’re talking about what I’m putting in my will if I ever reach like 80, I just wanna make sure every person who’s been in my life and stayed for a bit is mentioned and thanked and I wanna make the list as expansive as I possibly can at that age. Idk, I’ve always been sentimental. Any thoughts on fake abortion clinics? What??? I don’t know what those are and what they do, but they sound awful. What was a username you'd thought wouldn't be taken but was taken? I’ve tried using my full name as a username in a few websites and seen them being taken. My first and last names don’t make a common pair, so I’ve always found it surprising. Cherry or peanut ice cream? Peanut. Not gonna lie, it’s an unusual flavor – but Asians kinda put peanuts on everything heh. What is your dream cellphone? Why? Whatever new phone Apple puts out because unfortunately I buy into toxic consumerist shit like that lol Would you rather be watching The Bachelor or The Bachelorette? Neither. From one to ten, how big of a movie buff are you? I’d give myself an 8. I’ve seen my fair share of movies and I can honestly say that my favorite films are not cliche picks, but I’ve also yet to see a bunch of classics that other ~movie buffs~ hail as being excellent movies like Taxi Driver, Silence of the Lambs, Rocky, American Psycho, etc. I also haven’t been watching movies as much as I used to, which takes down another point for me. Who is a celebrity you think will never get into trouble? The Irwin kids. I wouldn’t call them celebrities per se though; they’re in the spotlight for the most wholesome reasons. I’ve seen every segment Robert Irwin has had on Jimmy Fallon and it’s amazingly precious. What is an important holiday to you? Why? Probably the EDSA Anniversary because without it we’d still be under a dictatorship. Name a catty girl you really dislike. I wouldn’t call anyone I know that. What is a museum you would like to go to? The top 3 museums that I would love to visit are the Anne Frank House, the Met, and the Art Institute of Chicago. And wherever Monet’s paintings are, because he’s my favorite artist. Personally, do you look better with short hair or long hair? Short. Long, frizzy hair does not look good on me and on anyone else. What was the reason why you last blocked a person from your IM? He was a stranger who hit on me. I added him back only because we had a considerable amount of mutual friends and I thought that maybe he used to be a classmate or something, but he messaged me some shit that he had probably copy-pasted to 700 other girls saying like ‘hey do you mind if you and I talk? I find you really pretty’ like six seconds after adding him back. It was so fucking creepy and I never blocked someone so quickly. I was already in a foul mood that night so I also showed the brief interaction to Gab and I gave her freedom to curse the shit out of the guy if she wanted to. What is a cliche thing that happens a lot in anime? I don’t like anime and have never watched it. What are your views on the cartoon show Invader Zim? I’ve never seen that either. If you have some, what is tonight's homework about? I don’t have homework anymore. If you have one, what is your favorite sushi flavour? Cream cheese salmon rolls from a local place called Torch. What is the first thing you think of when I say 'Jack'? Rose. Do you understand JavaScript coding? A teeny bit, thanks to the theme customizations I used to do on Tumblr when I was 14. What would you do if you found a gun in your best friend's bedroom? Confront them, and maybe even scold them. I definitely would be angry. Not even just because it could mean they’re suicidal, but because I don’t believe in guns. What do you call your grandparents? I call both sets Lolo and Lola. When I say 'Go', you say: I just remember the song Green Light by Beyoncé because the chorus on that is her screaming ‘Go.’ What colour do you usually paint your nails? I never paint them. They’re pretty, but I never saw them as a necessity. What would be a cool earring design? People come up with cool designs all the time now though. I’m completely sure there are a million versions of this now but I would love sriracha sauce earrings haha. What do you think of raccoons? No opinion as I’ve never encountered them. Any thoughts on the actor Paul Rudd? NEVER AGES Who is the better liar: your mother or your best friend? Mom. Gab will lie to me sometimes but I can always tell. Are breast implants something you'd consider? Why or why not? I considered it when I was a teenager because people used to pick on me for being flat-chested, as if I had a choice as to what size my body would end up being. Also, flat chests were the butt of so many jokes in the early 2010s so it made me insecure for a very long time. Nowadays the environment is a lot nicer and I’m seeing many flat-chest positivity posts (if that’s even a thing) so I’ve changed my mind about implants.  Besides nightmares, what is the scariest thing about sleeping? Sleep paralysis. You can wake up from nightmares. Do you find the phrase 'nom nom nom' annoying? Not as much as ‘rawr’ annoys me. Do you look better with red lipstick or black lipstick? I look good in neither but I would go with red. When was the last time you had chocolate milk? Oooooh it’s been a while :( I feel like that’s something people have to start selling more, honestly. I don’t see chocolate milk being sold other than at the grocery or convenience stores and ugh, I just want more restaurants to add it on their menus lol. That being said, the last time I had it was in January, during a journalism workshop that we hosted in a school in Marikina. The teachers offered us that and a Fudgee Bar as thank-you snacks :)

[daddy-socrates]

a life update:

i graduated college!!!!!!!!! i have a degree in philosophy how fucking cool is that!!!!!!! i was accepted into my top choice grad school so i know i am worthy of continuing education aksldfj but i am deferring enrollment because i am too burnt out to jump right in. not hype to live w mom and dad for another year, not that i dont love them, but i want to be a grown-up lol.

on the not happy side, i broke up with my boyfriend, so that’s a big part of why i’ve been sort of inactive these last few days. (im one of those people though that when im online im online and when im not im lurking or just not; i dont have a queue or a schedule or whatever because i do this for shits n giggles.)

so, i fortnite danced the fuck back into platos cave last night because i know that while my (now ex :(( ) boyfriend was a good person and working so hard to fix past mistakes, it is not my job to fix him. and he is great in that he never asked me to fix him. the relationship lasted 7 months, which was 7 months longer than i ever expected, and they were largely happy months. (twice as long as my second longest relationship, so this was a huge step in adulthood for me, i think.) i do really love him. he made me very happy, and he always respected me and defended me and my nonbinary gender identity and pronouns to his coworkers and friends.

unfortunately, his mother in particular is the main reason i had to part ways. she and some of his friends and favorite places made me deeply uncomfortable and it is hard to be in a relationship with someone when their whole setting is somewhere you feel emotionally/even physically unsafe. i do not ever want to ask someone to abandon everything they know at the drop of a hat because there’s a lot to work through there. i know he listened to me every time i had something to rant about or talk seriously about, and i love that about him, but it is also kind of exhausting to describe what is transphobic or call his friends out for saying something otherwise not okay in some social justice aspect or another, and i shouldnt have to be in that sort of environment and exhaust myself all the time.

there are many great lessons ive learned from tumblr and they include greater social awareness and even how to recognize some of my own limits in these regards. overall, it’s a dumb shitty website with dumber shittier owners/staff, but back a few years ago it was okay. but i digress.

he did nothing egregiously wrong so thats why it hurts a lot, but i am doing my best to healthfully process my feelings and now that it’s been a few days i do feel a little less bad.

in another few days i will recommence my job search and try to find something that will make me feel secure and hopefully even happy, though i know that first jobs are rarely that. i know i will be okay. i am proud of myself because there were some rather destructive decisions i almost acted upon last night, but i did not. and i can be proud of small victories like that.

anyway, that was a lot longer than any of yall needed, but i want to express my gratitude for all my followers and the philosophy shitposters on tumblr where i can find friends and community. i know i have so much choice and autonomy over many of my own experiences and i guess i just want to say thank you for being a place that makes me laugh at stupid posts and jokes and videos. i appreciate it a lot. i try to not make too many personal posts on this blog but a couple of people expressed concern so i thought i’d give a lil (lengthy) update. thank you.

when another happy exciting thing happens to counteract the sad, i’ll let yall know !! c:

[thebluestandard]

My WrestleMania weekend

So this is mainly for me to have as a memory, I feel like I need to write this down. It’s under read more because it’s long, it has pictures (maybe of me idk, sorry in advance), and it’s mainly my thoughts semi-organized about this whole experience, that was a dream of mine growing up.

‪so let’s start from the beginning:

It didn’t start well lmao. I realized too late that I’m my excitement to see Sasha I bought the wrong ticket for Axxess. It would have been a lot less disappointing if I didn’t make something for her BUT. As luck would have it, A friend here brought to my attention that Sasha is going to have a pop up in foot locker, so I immediately re-arranges my schedule for that week in order to be there. I went back to see the Axxess schedule and saw that Rey Mysterio and the Hardys, three childhood HEROES, legends that me and my brother grew up admiring, are going to be at a different hour that day so I talked with Ticketmaster and changed my ticket. Anyway, Tuesday afternoon i got in to see Sasha and MAN I was shaking, my english was GONE as soon as I came face to face with her. I did manage to give her the shirt, which she laughed at, and I told her that i know she probably wouldn’t be able to wear it but she said “oh don’t worry I will.”. She was super sweet, smiling, patience and fucking gorgeous holy shit. I didn’t know how to pose so I automatically raised the 4 🤙🏻 she signed my WM ticket (which I also took to axxess) and I think she was signing pictures but I was too distracted so I left without it jfnkdns im sorry sasha I love you. Oh and yes that belt is even more gorgeous in rl my god.

ANYWAY. Fast forward to Friday night, Axxess. As soon as I got in I was looking for the Rey Mysterio line. Priorities. I couldn’t find it so I went into Trish’s line which also had The Usos. Now here’s the thing, every 2 hours the wrestlers switch, and when I was 3 people away from meeting them, they pulled them out. And here’s the thing about Trish: as a kid I don’t remember the women as vividly as I remember the man but I do remember feeling CHILLS whenever trish walked out. As a 100% tomboy, seeing a woman kicking ass like she and Lita did? It was mindblowing to me, and so fucking encouraging. So I don’t remember details much but I definitely remember them. Make sense? Maybe not. Another thing about Trish is that she was super sweet. One of the reason the line got held back for so long is the attention and patience she was giving each person. It was amazing to see, and I love and respect her even more.

So they all got pulled out and we were waiting for the next round. I was P R A Y I N G Rey would come out cause there were whispers and 5 mins later HE DID!!!!!! Knees buckled, hands shaking, heart racing. This man defined my childhood, he made it cool and exciting and he was a god to me and my brother. And the universe made me gain my interest in WWE a few months before he made his return. So I tried to convey how much he means to me and I asked if I could get a hug. He immediately got up, gave me a hug, took a pic with me and signed my ticket. He was so so sweet (and smalllll lmao) and so soft spoken i fell even more in love lol. I will never forget it, it was one of the most special moments of my life.

(He’s so tiny and I’m a giant lmaoooo)

Next target was the Hardys. The line for Jeff (and Liv Morgan) was literally closed because it was over populated so I let this one go. But the line next to it was ember moon and she was definitely in my list so I went in. It was really close to Jeff’s line so I got pictures of him and Liv but not more than that. Liv is..wow. Few humans are that beautiful. Anyway so ember. I walked in she was sooooooooo nice and we actually chatted a bit, I was much more relaxed so I didn’t make a fool out of myself. She said her arm was slowly getting better (liaaaaar she cae back for Mania) and we talked about UUDD that she’s doing with Lexi. She’s also tiny lol. She was in the same line as Tyler Breeze and the now RAW tag team champs (two very beautiful men wowowowo). All very nice :) I caught Matt Hardy literally at the last minute, they re-opened the line and I went in. Nervous as fuck. Knew I had less time so I told him he is a legend to me and my brother and basically said thank you. He was nice, gave me a hug. I don’t know how he looks the same as when I was 10 but he is, this man didn’t age a day and didn’t miss a step. An amazing, memorable day that I will never forget.

Now WM. Man, that was something. 82k people is something I never thought I would experience. Unfortunately, where I sat you couldn’t see the entrances, which sucked A LOT but we had a view of the ring, we weren’t high up, no actual complaints. I sat next to awesome people so I had a lot of fun!! Sitting there and hearing legends’ entrances...The Game, Batista, Rey, The Hardys, HBK, Randy Orton...what year is this??? How did I get so fucking lucky? Never going to forget this.

Without getting too personal, I came to NY 2 years ago to study after 3 years of hell. It was a dream of mine since middle school, but when I was 19 I was the whole cliché: depressed with a razor as a best friend and not a lot of will to stay alive. But I did because my mom’s pain hurt more. However, I needed out of my environment ASAP so I got my shit together and worked my ass off to get myself here. And fuck, that was the best decision I have ever made in my life. NY proved to me, especially this past year, that it’s the perfect place for me, and this weekend was the peak of it. One of the best and most special weekends of my life. Made me realize and reflect even more on how lucky I am. And I thank the universe for giving me the opportunity to experience all of it 🙏🏻

[neo-shitty]

toffee!

ah yeah i suppose ur right. yeah i think quarentine has had that sort of effect on a lot of people :( sorry to hear abt ur strict parents, hopefully ur friend will be able to come back soon. small outings (even with family) are still good tho, make sure ur taking care of urself toff.

youre totally right! ah yes thats good advice (/gen) ill try and use that when im in a slump ty. any music suggestions?

lol sames. even some of the stuff abt seungmin, innie etc is a little uncomfortable, like theyre grown ass men for sure, but at the same time, theyre still young, still just over being a teenager in the grand scheme of things. (on that note, i do struggle with worrying that im infantalising them, obviously theyre adults but at the same time, theyre still young. i do treat all fictional characters as my children, but i guess its different when its real people. idk. what do you think?) yeah some stans rlly need to take a chill pill, some are rlly walking the wire between 'ah theyre attractive/that look rlly suits them' and making fucking smut fics abt minors, like... they do not see a problem with that?? yeah tbh i feel like unless theyre 18 they shouldnt be put into the spotlight, weve seen what it does to peoples mental health, but modern day kpop industry is a lot like old hollywood with a lot of popular child actors -_- hopefully the big companies will learn but i agree, its unlikely

suuuuure toff haha. ill go searching for them, but idk if ill be able to find the fluff needle in the angst haystack (jkjk) yeah, fair i groan and complain but you do write angst etc rlly well, so if its what ur comfortable with, then pls continue, it is one of your strong suits, well as you write fluff aside

ah okay good! ill continue to send you essays then

THE ALBUM YES. so ive been looking forward to it for literally months, this is actually my first skz album release as a stay (since the last on was 9 months ago) i was sitting there hitting refresh on my spotify the second 6pm kst came around. (speaking of which, how did you do the release? i couldnt decide whether to watch or listen first but i ended up on listening cos there would be more material) okay: so cheese was super cool, very skz ya know? tho i almost wish theyd made domino the title track, tho obv it was a more experimental track and would have been a bit controversial (much like whistle for bp) i looooved domino and thunderous was absolutely impeccable. all the songs were amazing but standouts were- secrets, secrets which lowkey made me tear up idk why, red lights which almost killed me (it did not have to go that hard, but it did) and OT8 WOLFGANG omgggg i wasnt sure if hyunjin was going to be included in it but i was hoping and, ya know people had said hed be in there, but the further i got in, the less i was sure and then BAM hyunjin started what had been jisung's part and i just sat there grinning for about 5 minutes. surfin was absolutely adorable and gone away almost made me cry AGAIN. star lost was so touching, almost a nod to hyunjins little star? silent cry was relatable beyond anything. SSICK was funny? for some reason I was laughing while it was playing, idk the combination of added cheering and minhos aggressiveness and the totall seriousness they sung it. but i rlly enjoyed it. sorry i love you showcased their vocals like nothing else. the view is THE BOP of 2021, absolutely going to be stuck in my head for the next decade, that hook is genius. what did you think?

also did you watch their grow up performance? with all the stays and ALL THE TEARS? ;n; i feel like this is the end of an era of skz and tbh im kinda happy but also sad. super excited for their promotions but super bummed they wont get to tour. ah well

<3 w.a. 🐺

answer under the cut bc i gave an equally long answer to this already long ask HAJSH

oh yeah, abt quarantine having an effect. my friend and i talked about this earlier actually. i didn't realize the world was moving so fast until the pandemic happened. being in quarantine gave me time to think and i got to know myself more. it's just the sole good thing i got out of the isolation lmao. and abt my strict parents, ironically i got to go out today so i got to hang out with a few of my bestfriends. i had fun but my legs are a bit sore from walking. but they're a different set of friends. i'll get to hang out with the others when my getaway driver comes home in december.

hmm music recommendations for writing? depends on the plot you're writing. care to share what story you're working on and i'll try to rake my brain for a song that might match the vibe. i listen to classical / lo-fi if i don't have song inspo for a fic because lyrics sometimes distract me.

i don't think that's infantilizing tho. for me, it has something to do with my environment and the way i was raised. maybe it's the same the other way around? like this certain age (for the ones above 18 but below 20) is thirst-able for them. idk really. it's just not for me ?n? what i do NOT condone is writing smut for minors??? like get checked : D // i agree with everything with the idols being 18+ before they debut simply because it's for the best for their well-being like. how can young idols decide that this shit is the thing they want to do for life? or at least until their contracts last. idk :// it's unfortunate that it's unlikely to happen.

WELL. i have a list so you won't have to go search for them! in class (minho), in the rain (seungmin), gladius maximus (chan) and you've read five star already. and i just realized that most, if not all, of my upcoming fics are fluffs and i'm fond of all of them :D i used to focus a lot on angst because fluff disgusted the living shit out of me. i think things changed when i wrote champagne problems and hurt myself so bad i wanted to drop angst entirely. i didn't, of course, but i allowed myself to be self-indulgent now.

for the release of the album, i was on twt and watched the vid at 12 views (if i remember correctly, i watched back door at 14 so HASJH) i’m gonna talk by track so it wont be too confusing? bc i wrote this in paragraph format and it just ???? beware im very picky with tracks even if they’re my ults. so no offense if we have opposing opinions and i’m not fond of reading lyrics so these are all music wise.

cheese - oh god i hated cheese at first listen but it grew on me easily. i was singing the yeahyeahyeahyeah bit all day today :D

thunderous - i cant say that it’s my favorite title track. it felt really dry sometimes, both mv and music wise. but at the same time, it’s not that bad. the choreography carried the song tho o.O it’s so fucking cool. but like go live, another track has my heart and it’s

domino - AND YES I AGREE THAT THEY SHOULDVE MADE DOMINO TITLE TRACK UGHHHHH WHAT A WASTED FUCKING OPPORTUNITY. WORDS CANNOT EXPRESS HOW FOND I AM OF THIS SONG. it stands close to the level i love easy.

ssick - was a skip on first listen too because i found the chorus underwhelming but it grew on me? not that much but i can bear listening to it.

the view - it’s something the gen public like, hence its something i dislike. im not fond of songs that are structured like this? it’s not a bad song, just not the type of song i like. but i agree that the hook is very not catchy but it would get stuck in ur head.

sorry, i love you - it’s not as sad as i expected but i actually like it??? i can’t wait to write a fic out of it (1) HAJSHAJ it’s like a 3/5 for me. it’s angsty but chill?

silent cry - i’m pissed at this song bc it hits but sometimes it doesn’t?@?#!? but it’s starting to grow on me but definitely not my fave track.

secret secret - glad i found a secret secret enthusiast because my irls thought it was a skip?$?#@$? it gives me ikon vibes and i’m a huge fan of ikon’s discog so this was a win for me T_T +

STAR LOST - gives me bigbang song vibes and now im very sad :(( in case u didnt know, i’m a hUGE yg fan and 2ne1/bigbang introduced me to kpop so when i heard this track that gave me yg feels i just <3___<3 and it’s one of my favorite tracks anw moving on,

red lights - I WANT TO SKIP THE FIRST TEN SECONDS OF RED LIGHTS EVERY TIME IT PLAYS LIKE IT MAKES ME FEEL AWKWARD KDSJFSK but fine. i’m adding this to props and mayhem’s playlist LMAO it’s more aggressive than sexc tho. more enemies to lovers o. O

surfin’ - this coming right after red lights just wasn’t the best decision arrangement wise because how did we go from ooh sexc to aigh pARTAY. felix saying sheesh T___T it’s such a fun song i want to go to the beach ;n; do you like beaches?

gone away - i have yet to read the lyrics because i’m using this as inspo for a jeongin fic jskjash it’s not the type of ballad i like but it’s so fucking sad to listen to :’ ) the pitch change caught me off guard? still does. it’ll grow on me prolly.

wolfgang - I YELLED WHEN I HEARD HYUNJIN IN WOLFGANG. i didn’t like this song until recently. it gives me the confidence boost i need to pick myself off self-esteem crashes.

and no i haven't watched that performance and i prolly wont because i’ll cry. i’m excited for the promotions too. do you think they’ll still have a repackage?? i cant fucking believe that i just finished waiting for 12am kst for skz teasers and now i have to look forward to 12am for nct 127??@?#? NOT A SINGLE DAY OF REST FOR THIS STAYZEN

[ultrachuupiee]

20 August 2021

gosh its been a while since I last been on here. life’s going fine I guess. School’s in a few weeks I'm so nervous for junior year but I'm p sure everything will go smoothly. manifesting high grades and a stress-free year. Ameen. last year was rough lol low ass grades and tons of fucking absences, lets just say I hit lowest point that year. not proud of it but had one of the worst days of my life in grade 10. so much for “fun high school days” all I did was cry lmfaoo but i guess it went ok?? bought a new laptop a few days ago for school since i went be using this laptop for school anymore bc its so f’d up lol but I'll def still use this since it has a lot of my personal shit in it. oh yeah i guess my birthday passed?? I'm 16 now loll tbh kind of feeling resentful. since i didn't spend my 15 year so well?? i mean i didn't make most of it. i always want to make my birthdays more eventful but deadass didn't do shit. cant blame myself tho a whole pandemic took a huge tole on all of us and stripped us off our youth. whatever im still a kid i shouldn't feel like im wasting my youth (even tho it hits me in the feels i don't want to admit it lol) but yeah i shouldn't really worry since this is what im suppose to be doing anyway IM A KID. being 16 is a whole eye opener tho surprisingly i’m into reading alot for the past few months tho, books,writing,music,makeup etc. its been fun. i feel like im slowly getting to know myself better and it feels very fulfilling im so proud of myself :D i have so many worries in life atm tho, i’ll have to pick a course for college and im so scared i’d disappoint my parents by not perusing nursing. its not my dream tho its THEIRS. the problem is i dont even know what i want to do, its so confusing, i dont know what im good at or what exactly my interests are. its partly my parents fault. they didn't put me into clubs or invest time or efforts into sports or activities for me to discover myself. i feel as if im sailing away on a boat in the middle of the ocean. im not good at anything or have any special talents or hobbies. my parents raised me to be exactly like them, blank. empty. i know this is wrong. but everything, everyone, my environment is stopping me from being myself. sometimes i just want to run away from everyone. change my name and move to a whole different country where nobody recognizes me. then i wont be disappointing anyone. this is why i promised myself i wont ever raise my kids the way my parents raised me. they just raised me in fear and thinking of what other people would think of me. and my misogynistic dad ofc has 0 parenting skills since his wife or other women been raising his kids lmfao its pathetic really. mans has never changed a diaper his entire life. though imma give him some credits i mean i wouldn't be here without him and it seems as if he loves me...i guess?? so its whatever. i don't want to think about this much in the end of the day my decisions will pull through whatever anyone says, hopefully i make the right choice. i just need to remember to not let anyone control MY life. anyway im hungry imma go get something to eat. BYEEEEEE

[wiener-blut]

i was tagged by my bb @babypaulchen ages ago and now the time has come to finally do this shit!! i told u i was gonna do it Brig!!

rules: answer these 85 questions and tag 20 people (i wont tag anyone bc im doubting i even know 20 ppl on here lmao)

— what was your last…

1. drink: peach flavoured ice tea 2. phone call: my mom bc i asked her if shes interested in some hyacinth bulbs for her garden since the ones that stood in my room decayed 3. text message: to my cousin, setting a time where we can call and chat 4. song you listened to: actual surprise - its not Rammstein *ooohs and aaahs fly through the crowd* it was “The Schuyler Sisters” from Hamilton 5. time you cried: yesterday bc i had the worst fucking headache ever and i was being a whiny bitch

— have you ever…

6. dated someone twice: nope 7. kissed someone and regretted it: uhh no? 8. been cheated on: no 9. lost someone special: yes 10. been depressed: yes 11. gotten drunk and thrown up: yes, multiple times and ive come to the conclusion that throwing up makes me feel better afterwards like im back to being able to actually perveice my environment again lmao

— fave colours

12. black 13. pastel pink 14. actually i kinda love all colours idk

— in the last year have you…

15. made new friends: yes! 16. fallen out of love: no 17. laughed until you cried: yes, multiple times, good 18. found out someone was talking about you: like uh shittalking? idk so i guess not 19. met someone who changed you: uhhh kinda? 20. found out who your friends are: um well i found out that my friends are good friends and that i love them and that i dont want to miss any of them 21. kissed someone on your facebook friends list: what? u can “kiss” someone on facebook? lmao i didnt take a look on facebook for literally years .......man i had a massive brainlag here. i thought u can now “kiss” ppl on facebook like u can “poke” ppl on facebook and it didnt come to my mind this could mean “irl” lmao bury me IF it means irl tho, then yes

— general

22. how many of your facebook friends do you know irl: pff idk man who the fuck still uses that shithole of a site anyways

23. do you have any pets: no but i had a super cute and fluffy bunny and i still miss him and think about him everyday also i plan on having half a farm and half a zoo in the future

24. do you want to change your name: not anymore; i used to hate my name bc its so outdated and the only answer i ever got on introducing myself was “hey my grandma has the same name isnt that funny” but then more and more people told me my name was pretty and unique and well now that im older (sounds like im 40 lmao) im even kinda fond of it

25. what did you do for your last birthday: umm uhh i guess i was studying for my exams lol but i remember my gf cooking an amazing dinner for me 💖

26. what time did you wake up today: uhhhhhh smth around 9am i think

27. what were you doing at midnight last night: actually sleeping for once bc that headache knocked me out completely

28. what is something you can’t wait for: fucking going to fucking Hamburg in fucking five fucking days

30. what are you listening to right now: the birds chirping outside

31. have you ever talked to a person named tom: yes i had a classmate named Tom........he was a bit strange tho.......

32. something that’s getting on your nerves: i cant think of anything rn

33. most visited website: Tumblr and Youtube

34. hair colour: natural? blonde / current? dyed it pink two weeks ago

35. long or short hair: long ass hair and i mean, literally, they reach all the way down to my hips

36. do you have a crush on someone: ohhhahahaha so, so many, one - and maybe the king of em all - being Christoph Schneider (not obvious at all cough cough)

37. what do you like about yourself: uhhhhhhhhhhh.........;;;;; i guess... uh... *insert more unintelligent noises* maybe my legs?

38. want any piercings: no, except for maybe some on my ear

39. blood type: 0 positive, i think

40. nicknames: Lily

41. relationship status: super duper gay af with @haifisch-ohne-traenen

42. sign: officially capricorn (i like to say “the last capricorn” bc it sounds like “the last unicorn” and well my birthday is on the last day that still counts as capricorn), but honestly im more of an aquarius

43. pronouns: she/her

44. fave tv show: i recently watched Grimm and the story was okay but the cast was like super adorable and i fell in love with every single one of them

45. tattoos: none. YET. i have plans for so much i just am very bad at deciding

46. right or left handed: right handed 47: ever had surgery: okay, small story time. there are these childrens books by german illustrator and author “Janosch” in which a tiger and a bear are best friends and i used to love those books. so once, tiger got ill (his stripes slipped out of place) and he needed to see the doctor. and the exact line was “soothing small shot, blue dream, surgery over, noticed nothing, tiger healthy”. and i once was in the hospital bc there was something wrong my nose (i dont remember what it was tho) and so they anaesthetized me (and my fav stuffie which i brough with me for mental support) and afterwards i told everyone of my “blue dream” and everyone was like ????? wtf kid bc they didnt know what i was talking about and it was just some months ago when i finally found out that a narcosis isnt called a “blue dream” and that i just knew this bc of this books which i adored and tbh i was like MY WHOLE LIFE IS A LIE “BLUE DREAM” IS AN ADORABLE TERM FOR IT 48. piercings: none 49. sport: i did ballet for 15 years and i still love to dance around the house and the mother of my best friend once called me cute bc i cant stand still and always spin around or stretch my toes while lifting my leg or do some pliés and tbh i wasnt even aware of that

50. vacation: uh...i love? lmao

51. trainers: umm like my shoes? mostly wearing my black doc martens

— more general

52. eating: i love me some good salad with tomatoes, mozzarella and tuna but ngl a pizza margherita could beat that salad any time. or a nice ragout fin. or mac’n’cheese. i love food in general, okay

53. drinking: i’d kill for a tequila rn. but like non-alcoholic beverage - plain water, yes thank u

54. i’m about to watch: some movie with my gf which we havent decided on yet

55. waiting for: my gf to return home from work so i can smooch her pretty face

56. want: to cuddle honestly

57. get married: since its legal in germany for some months now... idk tbh, its not smth i debate about on a daily basis

58. career: um i have a vague plan for becoming a speech pathologist but yea... its very vague

— which is better

59. hugs or kisses: hugs

60. lips or eyes: gotta say eyes

61. shorter or taller: i dont care actually

62. older or younger: um sweats loudly...... older (fun fact i recently calculated the average age of my celebrity crushes....yes i was bored.... and it resulted in 50.... well.....)

63. nice arms or stomach: arms, fucc me up

64. hookup or relationships: relationships

65. troublemaker or hesitant: me? kinda both

— have you ever

66. kissed a stranger: no 67. drank hard liquor: yes 68. turned someone down: not really?

69. sex on first date: nope

70: broken someone’s heart: probably

71. had your heart broken: uh yea...kinda

72. been arrested: no

73. cried when someone died: yes, im a whiny bitch so i cry easily

74. fallen for a friend: yeah binch im dating that lovely ho right now... im gonna leave Brig’s answer here bc its perf and same here

— do you believe in

75. yourself: ugh

76. miracles: i want to

77. love at first sight: no

78. santa claus: i want to lol but no

79. angels: fuck yes

— misc

80. eye colour: blue-gray-green-ish mud 81. best friend’s name: Dana

82. favourite movie: so? much? i cant decide, really

83. favourite actor: Tom Hiddleston, i love this british dork, lemme tell u

84. favourite cartoon: phuh, idk i dont really watch cartoons

85. favourite teacher’s name: SWEATS LOUDLY AND AGGRESIVELY i had two massive teacher crushes back in my school days and that makes me a bit biased but im gonna say Herr Wolf was a great teacher bc he always said “hey, astronomy’s a minor subject, the test won’t be hard and i wont give u homework, u guys concentrate on math, german and english” and tbh we need more teachers like that

[doggonneit]

The Last Red Scribble | Part 1/2

Fandom: Haikyuu!!

Pairing/Characters: Kuroo/Tsukishima

Rating: T for Teen

Warnings: Single Parent AU

A.N. This is a part of the KuroTsuki Gift Exchange 2017, written for @moonislander on Tumblr. Hope you enjoy!

Italics is Tsukishima. Bold is Kuroo.

[Read on AO3]

Monday PM

(2:33) I’m about to slam my head into the wall. (2:33) Tobio got into another fight. (2:34) He’s fucking five, how does he keep picking fights.  

(2:35) what a champ

(2:35) What the fuck, Akiteru. (2:35) You’re not supposed to say that.

(2:36) wrong number bud but legit (2:36) tobios got a future in cage fighting (2:36) whos tobio

(2:38) Oh, sorry. Wrong number.

(2:40) well dont leave me hanging (2:40) i need to know who to put my money on in the future

(2:41) Don’t make this weirder than it already is.

(2:41) :)))))

(2:42) Tobio’s my son.

(2:43) are you an old man (2:43) is that why you started texting me (2:44) STRANGER DANGER STRANGER DANGER

(2:45) What the fuck, no. (2:46) I messed up my brother’s new number. (2:46) Evidently.  

(2:46) eviDENTly (2:47) arent you all smart and proper (2:47) thats how i like em

(2:49) Are you seriously flirting with me over text? (2:49) You don’t know stranger danger at all. (2:50) I don’t have time for this.  

(2:53) :((((( (2:55) come back

(2:56) I have to deal with my son.

(2:56) what an adulty adult (2:57) tell tobio hes a fucken champ

.

Tuesday AM

(7:22) sooo (7:22) i know your brothers name and your sons name (7:22) but not your name

(7:25) …

(7:25) hint hint

(7:26) Have you seen the latest stranger danger campaign? (7:26) It’s got your face all over it.  

(7:27) you think youre being funny but my mates crack jokes about my ugly mug making children cry (7:28) would tobio cry if he ever saw me

(7:30) He doesn’t even know what you look like.

(7:31) *image attached*

(7:34) I really don’t have time for this. I’m getting Tobio ready for school.

(7:35) if life were a party youd be the clown that sucks all the fun away (7:35) XP

(7:36) Why are you making that face?

(7:36) you hurt my feelings so im sticking my tongue out at you

(7:38) No-one uses that emoji for hurt feelings.

(7:39) i just did (7:39) XP (7:39) oh look i just did it again (7:39) XP (7:39) and again look at me go

(7:42) All right, all right, I’ll ask. (7:44) Tobio says you look like you killed a cat.  

(7:44) how does someone even look like that (7:44) your son needs glasses (7:45) what do you think then (7:45) smouldering eyes wicked grin (7:45) admit it im pretty

(7:46) Yeah, pretty atrocious. (7:46) What’s with that hair?

(7:47) HI THIS IS KUROOS BEST FREIDN FOERVER BOKUTO PLS DONT METNION HIS BEHDEAD IT MAKES HM SELF CONSCOIUS

(7:47) Aww. Is Kuroo sulking now?

(7:47) sajfkdsjp (7:47) asdffhajlkkasdfghijkl

(7:48) I feel like I should be concerned. (7:50) I am actually concerned.  

(7:51) how do i get rid of a body

(7:51) What.

(7:51) how do i (7:51) get rid of (7:51) a body

(7:51) Cook him and serve him to the police who knock on your door asking for his whereabouts.

(7:52) babe thats brilliant (7:52) youre a committed accomplice now

(7:52) On a scale of 1-10, how often do you hit on nameless and faceless strangers over the phone?

(7:52) 1 (7:53) its only ever been you (7:53) *heart emoji*

(7:53) I’m flattered.

(7:53) we have a dilemma (7:54) you know my name and my face (7:54) ive lost the advantage (7:54) who are you o mysterious phone man

(7:54) You really want to know?

(7:55) yes!!

(7:55) Well (7:55) My name is (7:55) *middle finger emoji*  

(7:56) i am (7:56) fucking betrayed (7:56) my own accomplice

(7:57) :)))))

.

Wednesday PM

(4:17) *image attached* (4:17) fight gloves for tobio when he grows up lololol

(4:20) Don’t even joke about that.

(4:21) did he get into another fight (4:21) whatd he do steal another kids party pie

(4:22) He ruined someone’s sandcastle.

(4:22) that punk

(4:22) He also threw the bucket at their head and made them cry.

(4:23) holy shit (4:23) i know you cant see but im pissing myself laughing

(4:23) That’s the second time this month. (4:24) Is he going for a new record? How concerned should I be? (4:24) I should ask my brother for advice.  

(4:24) okay but in all seriousness (4:25) dont kids usually act out because theyre upset about things

(4:26) Yep.

(4:26) you sound like you know whats going on

(4:27) Yep.  

(4:27) is the thing not an easy fix

(4:28) Tobio can’t exactly move back into his old neighbourhood and old school.

(4:28) ohhh (4:28) i get that totally been there (4:29) though that happened to me in middle school so i handled it differently

(4:30) You mean you didn’t stomp on sandcastles and throw buckets at people’s heads? (4:30) Shocking.  

(4:31) real mature of me ayy (4:31) but its chill tobio just needs time to adjust

(4:32) He’s been living with me for four months already.

(4:33) hes trying to survive a new environment (4:33) go easy on him

(4:35) All good and well until he accidentally kills one of his classmates.

(4:35) what could he possibly do (4:35) nah dont answer that

(4:36) You’re not inspiring much confidence right now.

(4:37) okay hows this (4:38) the most dangerous thing in a school is a pencil (4:38) if he stabs it through someones eye (4:38) what are the chances of a five year old having that good of an aim

(4:39) We could be surprised.

(4:40) lets give tobio the benefit of the doubt (4:40) have i brought your fears to rest or nah

(4:50) You’re interesting to talk to, I’ll give you that.

(4:50) is that why youve kept talking to me despite the anonymous and rather suspicious nature of our relationship

(4:50) Sure.

(4:51) *heart eyes emoji*

.

Thursday PM

(6:44) ive been thinking

(6:46) Make sure you give yourself a break every ten minutes. We wouldn’t want to strain your mental capabilities.

(6:47) hush child i got something to say (6:47) about tobio sort of

(6:48) I’m listening.

(6:49) so yesterdays conversation made me go all introspective (6:49) and if all tobios doing is throwing things (6:50) the lil guy will go far in life (6:50) i mean when i was five i was eating sand

(6:51) Congratulations, you just tripped over the lowest bar society set for its most basic standards.

(6:51) savage i love it (6:52) bokuto just called me a masochist (6:52) he doesnt even know what that means i bet he learned it from akaashi

(6:54) … (6:55) Who’s Akaashi?  

(6:55) the most beautiful man to grace the earth and bokutos boyfriend (6:55) im not even kidding his face was sculpted by gods (6:56) *image attached*

(6:57) Wow.

(6:57) exactly (6:57) no one knows how bokuto snagged him (6:58) my moneys on witchcraft

(6:59) Have a little more faith in your Best Freidn Foerver.

(6:59) hes my best bro but he does NOT have that much game

(6:59) You misspelled Best Freidn Foerver.

(7:00) all right he types like an electrocuted toddler (7:00) hes there for me during the good bad and ugly (7:00) and i support him 100% (7:01) but theres no logical explanation for how he got akaashi

(7:01) Maybe he has charm.

(7:02) gasp (7:02) babe (7:02) did you just imply i dont have any charm

(7:03) I didn’t say anything of the sort but it’s an apt description.

(7:03) you really are a savage (7:04) totally my type just saying

(7:05) For all you know I’m a sixty year old man with whiskers and a pot belly.

(7:05) im a personality kinda guy anyway (7:05) so what do you look like

(7:07) Shh.

(7:07) ?

(7:07) Can you hear that?

(7:07) ??

(7:08) Stranger danger.

(7:08) DUDE COME ON (7:08) or are you actually a sixty year old man with whiskers and a pot belly (7:08) because no judgement if you are

(7:10) *image attached*

(7:11) holy shit (7:11) HOLYS HIT (7:11) AJGSFAJKALHHJKKKLLLL

(7:13) Uh. (7:14) Hello? (7:15) Are you there? (7:18) I’m actually kind of worried now.  

(7:20) Hi, this is Akaashi. Kuroo’s fine; he’s muttering to himself on the floor. (7:21) Something about being sculpted by gods and touched by angels?

(7:22) What the fuck.

(7:22) Nice selfie :)

.

Friday PM

(9:28) arms (9:28) abs (9:28) legs (9:28) sore

(9:31) Do I really want to know? (9:31) No, I don’t.  

(9:32) :( (9:32) i experienced life death and hell all in the same day

(9:33) Now I can’t not know.

(9:33) i had vball training for a match next week and it was torture (9:33) and when we thought it was done no (9:34) we had practice matches with alumni and it was torture round two (9:34) then i had coaching which i usually love (9:34) but the kids kept spiking balls at me (9:35) 10 POINTS IF YOU HIT HIS BODY 50 POINTS IF YOU HIT HIS HEAD 100 POINTS IF YOU HIT HIS NOSE

(9:36) You play volleyball?

(9:37) thats all you took from that

(9:37) I used to play volleyball in high school.

(9:37) wait are you serious (9:37) what position??

(9:38) Middle blocker.

(9:38) me too!! (9:38) what are the chances of us both playing vball and being middle blockers (9:39) this is destiny i feel it

(9:40) That was another lifetime ago lol.

(9:40) once a vball player always a vball player (9:40) how tall are you

(9:41) 195cm, why?

(9:43) 195 and yOU DONT PLAY VBALL (9:43) this is a crime (9:44) tell me tobio plays vball

(9:45) I... don’t think he’s ever tried it?

(9:46) the outrage (9:46) how could you (9:47) i just felt my heart crack (9:47) oohhh the pain

(9:47) Poor baby. Want me to kiss it better?

(9:47) i (9:47) ijakl

(9:48) ?? (9:50) Did you disappear on me again. (9:50) This seems to be a growing trend.

(9:51) Hi, this is Akaashi again. Kuroo is currently incapacifjskkl (9:51) WAHT DID U DO TO MY BSET FREIND FOREBER WHYS HE ALL RED N CHOKN ON HIS WORSD

(9:52) Oh. (9:52) Scroll up.

(9:52) OHO (9:53) OHOHO

.

Saturday AM

(11:10) my mates wont stop laughing at me (11:10) i live in a house of dicks (11:11) cant even escape them theyre on my team (11:11) i blame you

(11:15) Sucks to be you lol.

(11:15) are you taking pleasure in my pain

(11:15) It sounds wrong when you put it that way.

(11:15) ;) (11:16) i’m still upset though (11:16) make me feel better?

(11:17) You seem to think I possess the ability to feel pity. (11:17) I don’t.  

(11:18) you know what you do possess (11:18) the ability to feel annoyance (11:18) ! (11:18) ! (11:18) ! (11:18) ! (11:18) ! (11:18) is it annoying yet (11:18) ! (11:18) ! (11:18) ! (11:18) ! (11:18) !

(11:19) ALL RIGHT, STOP.

(11:19) victory

(11:20) What do you want.

(11:17) whats your name

(11:17) Are you serious.

(11:17) i wanna know

(11:18) You reek of desperation.

(11:18) not gonna change my mind

(11:19) …

(11:19) wanna do the whole !!! thing again

(11:21) Fine. (11:21) You’ll ask politely.

(11:21) dom huh (11:21) im into that (11:22) will you pretty please with a cherry on top tell me what your name is

(11:22) N (11:22) O (11:22) *heart emoji*

(11:24) i cant believe (11:24) how could you (11:24) youre so mean

(11:24) :)))))

(11:25) shouldve expected it (11:25) do you always play with peoples hearts like this

(11:25) I enjoy jerking you around. You make some pretty good entertainment.

(11:26) glad to be of service :’)

(11:26) I suppose I could throw you a bone.

(11:26) im not falling for it this time

(11:26) Tsukishima.

(11:27) …

(11:27) My name is Tsukishima.

(11:27) it is (11:27) up down left right with you

(11:27) Disappointed?

(11:28) NEVER WITH YOU (11:28) TSUKKIIII

(11:28) No. (11:28) Do not.  

(11:28) i love your name its beautiful like you

(11:29) I revoke your right to say my name ever again.

(11:29) TSUKKIIII (11:29) *heart eyes emoji*

(11:32) I have never regretted anything more in my life.

.

Sunday PM

(3:24) You said you have a volleyball match next week, right?

(3:28) is this a dream (3:28) are you actually texting me first

(3:29) Miracles abound today.

(3:29) yeah i have a match next week why

(3:29) I mentioned it to Tobio and he got really excited. (3:30) He made me explain everything. I spent hours talking about rules and moves.  

(3:30) i  knew that kid had the vball genes in him

(3:30) I even dug up some old practice tapes from high school. (3:31) He’s obsessed with setting.  

(3:31) hed get along with my setter (3:31) that arrogant ass (3:31) i love him though

(3:32) *image attached*

(3:33) what… is that

(3:33) Tobio’s lack of artistic talent.

(3:33) i hope you didnt tell him that

(3:34) He said it was you blocking and scoring the winning point.

(3:35) he drew a picture of me?

(3:35) He captured your likeness down to the last red scribble.

(3:35) omg… omg...

(3:37) It’s not that big of a deal.

(3:37) youre not ruining this for me (3:37) this is the best day of my life

(3:37) Remember when we talked about low standards?

(3:37) your son loves me

(3:38) He drew a picture of you.

(3:38) and how many other people has he drawn???

(3:38) …

(3:38) thought so (3:39) tell my biggest fan i said hello and thank you (3:39) its the prettiest picture ive ever gotten

(3:39) Don’t get nudes much, huh.

(3:40) wow (3:40) WOWW (3:40) that went beyond savage (3:40) that was straight up murder

(3:41) You like it.

(3:41) yeah im really wondering about that masochistic streak

(3:41) About that.

(3:42) ??

(3:42) I was thinking (3:42) If you were interested (3:42) I could help you explore that.

(3:44) i just dropped my fuckign phone (3:44) are you fucking with me right now

(3:45) Yes.

(3:46) i fucking hate you

(3:46) No, you don’t.

(3:46) no i don’t

(3:46) Why do you keep falling for these things.

(3:47) actually im falling for you

(3:47) Seriously.

(3:47) hope (3:47) its all i got buddy (3:49) is this going to be like last time when you said no but then changed your mind

(3:50) No.

(3:50) dammit

.

Monday PM

(7:18) happy one week anniversary babe (7:18) do i get a gift (7:18) eyebrow wiggle

(7:21) Did you just type -eyebrow wiggle- at me

(7:22) *video attached*

(7:23) I did not ask for a video of you wiggling your eyebrows.

(7:23) its my gift to you

(7:23) I’m so… grateful.

(7:24) cmon gift gift gift

(7:24) I don’t know, I don’t have anything. (7:24) Actually (7:25) *image attached*  

(7:25) omg is that tobio (7:25) hes so fucken cute wtf (7:26) look at those hamster cheeks (7:26) whats he eating

(7:26) Blueberry cupcake. (7:26) It’s his reward for behaving in school.  

(7:27) aww no fights today?

(7:28) His teacher said he engaged positively with other students. He was trying to play volleyball with them.

(7:28) omg thats adorable (7:28) i see where he gets it from (7:28) are you teaching him how to play

(7:30) I taught him how to receive but I’m rusty. (7:30) I should look into classes for him. (7:30) Do they even have classes for kids that young?  

(7:31) the rec centre where i coach does (7:31) idk about other places though

(7:31) Whereabouts is your rec centre?

(7:32) shh

(7:32) You’re not doing the stranger danger thing on me.

(7:32) do you hear that

(7:32) Can you hear my sigh travelling across the wind.

(7:33) STRANGER DANGER

(7:33) Are you done.

(7:33) my centres in tokyo lol

(7:34) It wouldn’t happen to be the Tokyo Sports and Recreation Centre?

(7:34) how did you know that (7:34) oh my god this is real (7:34) STRANGER DANGER

(7:36) It’s a twenty minute walk from my place.

(7:36) i know i just joked about stranger danger but should you really be telling me that

(7:37) Take it as proof that I don’t think you’re a predatory serial killer.

(7:37) thats the nicest thing youve ever said to me (7:38) *heart emoji* (7:38) well if youre interested the kiddy classes are wed 5pm and sat 10am (7:38) you can go to one or both

(7:40) Hmm.

(7:40) times no good?

(7:42) My brother has Tobio on both those days. (7:42) I’ll have to talk to him about this.  

(7:43) ahh dont wanna encroach on uncle nephew bonding time

(7:43) I don’t think Akiteru will mind-- he used to play volleyball too.

(7:43) how did you ever think tobio wouldnt be a vball player (7:44) its clearly in his genes

(7:44) Wishful thinking. I never really liked volleyball.

(7:45) what no (7:45) why

(7:46) It was just a school club. I only did it because it was something to do.

(7:47) you come into my house

(7:48) Lol.

(7:48) well hey its paying off now (7:48) i bet tobio looks at you like youre a god

(7:49) Yeah. (7:49) It’s the first time he’s really looked at me. (7:50) So thanks. (7:50) :)

[disappolntment]

undeveloped thoughts until a new psych don’t crucify me

actually don’t even read this I’m venting and it’s probably victim playing because I don’t think I’m going through a hard time ever apparently

gd my mum bitches about my little sister like she isn’t in the room with us

I want to be supportive and validating to them both because I see both sides

It’s just a bad position to be in. I love them both a lot but it happens every day and instead of her dealing with it she just yells at me about it and then acts like it doesn’t exist and my little sister doesn’t have any consequences but honestly the only person my sister treats like this is my mum?

Regardless a kid doesn’t understand?? They’re just getting yelled at

but I’m trying to get into a new psych, deal with my eczema and get back into uni/life and friendship circles

I can’t fix ur parenting for you

or mediate for you anymore and I’m asking you to stop but you’re still taking and I’m still giving but I’m a fucking pushover for people I love

I’ve been doing it my whole life. I didn’t know I had emotions until the age of fucking 21 because the only time you’d give me any form of attention was when you were crying about my dad (fuck yeah toxic behaviour I probably mimicked but my dad was also a narcissist so :) :) :) I have self professed daddy issues don’t I just have a fucking target on my head)

(raised to think now feel later tbh which is why I was so fucking dumb when trusting the first boy I slipped into bed with YIKES IM A DUMBASS LMAO he was a complete stranger in hindsight but I trusted brea’s input and honestly I think I was just connected to her? Not her fault lovely human who went through a lot also even if she hates me lmao)

Find your own fucking voice of reason REGARDLESS MUM

She doesn’t even listen to advice and just talks over me all of the time? infuriating. I asked her yesterday if she was going through a difficult time lately and she told me no? She is having the best time everything is going really well for her etc she is really excited about life and the business

She genuinely is on top of the moon every single day. But the only things she speaks to me about: her emotional baggage. stress. this needs to be a double ended stick. to get support you need to give it. because The way Annabelle talks to you is the least of my issues when I have split personalities induced by psychosis. (My own fault. I’m an adult. I’m not blaming her).

When I black out for 3 days straight and don’t remember the last 3 years of my life...

I need a hospital.

I need a good psychiatrist and I’m in a position where I am PHYSICALLY unable to get it.

I don’t need to hear your emotional baggage.

I’m going through a hard time right now and I can’t give mundane support to people.

I’m so selfish though?

deal with your own shit IM BEING AN ACTIVE LISTENER and giving you decent support and you aren’t even asking me how my day is in return.

I do it because I love you but I fucking can’t even love myself right now please stop doing this if you don’t 100% need it? I’m only one person. This is just stupid.

everything is genuinely my fault coming down from losing reeya (especially because she heavily sided with my ex after validating the abuse but tbh I think I treated her like trash so I kinda understand and that genuinely is her decision I hope she is doing well now and we have both grown idk it was probably for the best I’m so self destructive all of the time which isn’t tight in friendships but ya girls first relationship her fucking dad died in it I’m not a miracle working despite putting on a brave face. Again not her fault she had no responsibility by me at all this is a general observation

I’m not a psychologist so I don’t know who did who wrong especially after reading the messages she and joe exchanged?? But I was always acting how I felt and being honest and he was just guilt tripping me and making me feel bad about my concerns and lack of support idk how fucked up are large groups of people heavily addicted to weed and in denial about it)

(Actually in hindsight she did side with him and: It’s just so unsettling that my ex never spoke to me about the way he was feeling only to my support networks lol? Narcissist. He would always SHIT talk everybody he had ever encountered he hates everybody except the friends sexually assaulting me on a regular basis and thinks everybody is doing him wrong and I was the only reason he probably still has friends or a brother and am currently in a position where he can make his own life. bet they all fucking dropped off the face of the earth when you stopped having a hot girlfriend they could actively fondle and you to deny it. But then again prolly not y’all all into younger girls anyway??? Actively pursuing 17 yos is still a fucking crime :) :) sex fuelled perverts )

And having to admit to myself my ex actually is trash and all of these people I was convinced were lovely and good for me weren’t actually. All of these little things are coming back and genuinely no friends should be hearing them when they do? Because it did happen two months ago and I should be over it.

fuck yeah the incredible anxiety in public (only around men) I physically can’t control HAS BEEN REAL AND SOMETHING I haven’t had to deal with in so long

I literally

Just

Shut down

I can’t breathe

But I’m fucking dealing with it in a healthy manner I don’t need anybody to act sorry for me I need long term support and I don’t get that from my family SO IM FUCKING DEALING WITH IT. IT ISNT MY FRIENDS ISSUE.

but here I am playing victim because my issues aren’t even that bad 👈👈😎 and I’m okay being alive when I’m tending to my plants dog and video games

this past year has been hell on earth (I didn’t even know I was going through a hard time honestly #gaslighting) and I have a hard time creating new support networks which is fine because we are also working on thaaaaat I’m just venting Rn. I’m pleased to report I have a lovely group of friends that took me out and dropped me off at a party during PEAK SOCIAL ANXIETY I COULDNT GO ANYWHERE WITHOUT HOLDING EITHER SAMS OR JAYDES HAND they’re fucking lovely and I forget I have mental issues around them they’re actually fucking phenomenal

REGARDLESS I needed to vent a little so that continues:

yes, I can help you

but no, you aren’t getting help

********* I shouldnt need to be having emotional outbursts 24/7 for people to acknowledge they’re effecting me or I’m going through a hard time. I’m not like that!!!! I should just be able to tell them my boundaries and conveye WHATS going on and them recognise and respect me *********

If I’m being a little bitch isn’t that the point of talking about it? fucking hurt my feelings I don’t care it’s PRODUCTIVE even if you fucking need time to like sit on them I’m so understanding WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU NEED I KNOW IT CAN BE ROUGH

“Sorry” just fucking guiltrips people without change

But it also prevents you from making meaningful connections with people if you refuse to change.

(Have fun being your dad dumbass xx)

DO WRONG? ITS GOING TO BE CONFRONTED IF I LOVE YOU BECAUSE I WANT THE BEST FOR YOU AND in turn us. Stop being a bitch about it.

But I can’t even say that with complete conviction nowadays especially in the company of people after my last relationship and my ex best friend because my reactions were mine in all of it and I did lose reeya. Objectively speaking I must have been shit because reeya isn’t a dumb person?

still haven’t told my shit psych about any of this because he is cracking onto my mum and me

And actively telling me I can’t pursue uni or any goals I bring to the table. Always cuts me off when I wish to vent.

Stress

all because I saw his face today and he acted happy to see me which is a fucking lie because that man does not have a single ounce of empathy and that’s still so apparent because all he does is fuck freshly 18-19 yo’s and bitch to my loved ones how much he misses me like lmao you never even established a bond with me I was just a trophy. but anyway he has never actually apologised or attempted to rectify any of his mistakes the only thing he has ever said to me was shit like “*fake tear* you hate me” “you just want to fuck him” (I HAVE SUCH A LOW SEX DRIVE IM ALMOST POSITIVE IM ASEXUAL I DONT WANT TO FUCK ANYBODY UNLESS IM OBSESSED WITH THEM AND I WOULD TELL HIM THIS AND HE WOULD ALWAYS TELL ME IM LYING OR IMPLY IT IM JUST TRYING TO FUCKING ACCURATELY EXPRESS MYSELF AND YOURE GUILT TRIPPING ME) “I look shit (my dad literally just died and the entire Italian family is downstairs arguing about the funeral and shit talking me to my face and I’m crying about it and the only things he says is that. I yelled at him constructive things like: it probably wasn’t the time for that I just needed support for a little while?? I felt bad and started comforting him because I loved him and him being happy made me feel better.)”

Occasionally when he was drunk “I’m the best” NARCISSISTS

Such a fucking victim playing narcissist (and his brother does it too to this poor girl named Phoenix??? But she is leaving soon if Mitch doesn’t decide following in his big brothers footsteps, fucking people younger than his little brother, is detrimental. I hope they get off drugs and spend time away from mitchs family. I’m always torn between sending her a message to establish an “sos” contact in the area but Sam still lives there so that’s comforting? But also not really because that environment is not good for Sam to be in. Torn.)

You weren’t the one cheated on buddy. You weren’t the one gaslit. You weren’t the one who lost their dad and family and had no support other than “I hate myself”.

You got an angry reaction. You did something shit.

Also;

Yes, that man in public is interesting.

Yes, I am having human conversation with him and am learning things.

Yes, I am denying his advances.

No, I clearly don’t want to fuck him. He knows I have a boyfriend. You are POSSESSIVE AND TOXIC AND IN COMPLETE DENIAL ABOUT IT. I DONT CHEAT ON PEOPLE AND IVE NEVER CHEATED ON ANYBODY. I GREW UP WITNESSING THE EFFECTS IT HAD ON MY FUCKING MUM. STOP TAKING A MALE HAVING A CONVERSATION WITH YOUR HOT GIRLFRIEND AS AN EGO JAB. FUCKWIT.

YOURE EXACTLY LIKE YOUR FUCKING DAD THAT EVEN TRIED THE EMOTIONAL ABUSE ON ME IN HINDSIGHT

You. Are. Definition of shit buddy.

I told you everything and was made to feel emotionless? I literally gave you all of my emotions. Im so dumbbbb.

You had them.

Fuck you.

My emotional responses were so skewed because you GASLIT ME.

Trash is the human that gaslights a girl losing; her dad to cancer and entire family to the ordeal.

Trash is the human that says he wants to love and support a girl going through shit like that, and believes his victim playing/self deprecating ‘issues’ are bigger than hers.

You aren’t caring because you financially supported bringing me along for your life style so you can show me off?

Closure is just something I have to live without in both regards though. Which is shit because I genuinely want to grow from fucking up that friendship with reeya?? But also I’m so mad she took my ex’s side. Like... take no side at all if you can’t make a decision.

Both people could be equal parts the problem. It’s a fucking breakup.

I think I’m mad and guilty because I let joe use all of my support networks to validate himself.... but only after they validated me.

“Do better than your parents”

But I don’t understand if I should be angry or guilty over that entire ordeal?? Because I understand clouded judgement during that time and going through your own shit and hating me during that time I was a fucking DUMBASS and a sympathiser to somebody negatively effecting me “because he has done so much for me” (it should be a thankless fucking task I gave him the opportunity to leave before this entire thing I sat him down in his dorm room and said stuff in my home life is about to get rough I don’t know how I’m going to react. I’m prepared to break things off for the time being are you positive you’re prepared to do this with me it’s genuinely okay if you aren’t.)

(All in all: acknowledging so many mistakes I made like not reacting to a lot of things and giving people the benefit of the doubt; anyway I’m actively trying to correct them and it’s difficult in this environment because my families issues are mineeeeeeee B) B) B) BUT ALSO GIVING MYSELF TO PEOPLE STRAIGHT AWAY and now I have to relearn boundaries which is fucking TIGHT)

I wish them both the best regardless.

I probably did fuck it all up.

But like they’d ever tell me? Like I’ll ever get their side.

I genuinely didn’t mean to hurt anybody and was only trying to keep the peace in every regard because that’s genuinely how I was raised

But I just didn’t know that’s actually detrimental? Like people pleasing and shit (I’m growing all over again and realigning my moral compass)

So confusing because I never used to be a people pleaser with my friendship groups or anything like that.

I feel like I just unlearnt all of the information and dialogue I worked really hard trying to secure in a relationship :) I can’t even cope with my mum bitching about my little sister without having a mental breakdown now.

it’s all coming up milhouse-

my dog is fat (he got into the giant food bag like twice and almost flipped his stomach but instead put on about 50kgs so now I’m the owner of a fat Labrador) and dog aggressive now when other dogs try and hump him (it’s very weird for renny he is usually very patient but there’s a new puppy in the family so he is kinda over being the rest dummy I think)

I’m just going to invest my time into fatass and see what happens

I don’t know what I need or who to get advice from but I’m sick of joe always being in my environment nd if people don’t let me run anyway soon prolly gna neck because everybody I love sympathises with him so much which is so confusing for me it’s like people are going to fucking validate my emotions (which means fuck all now???) and also sympathise with my fucking abuser (which also needs to be validated by a psych because this is just beyond my support networks and me anyway)

👈👈😎

but alas here covid is so I can’t run away which isn’t an answer anyway but at least then maybe I can focus on myself for a day without everybody I love abandoning me

I’m a massive victim have pitty on me I hope things look up with this new psych and they don’t just convince me I’m playing victim too but invalidating everything I say. but it’s for the best because I think I get greedy when people give me a platform when I need intense emotional support (sorry you had to deal with any of this reeya)

fuck yeah

cant even blame my mum for guilt tripping me into accepting help from my ex while on holidays it’s my fault I was in that position!!!! because I’m a shit person who genuinely deserves to be alone for the shit she has done!!!! and her mother’s issues have always been hers!!!! But I just wanted to make everybody happy and you kept reassuring me it was okay!!!!!

so fuck everybody that thinks I’m a horrible person right off the bat when men are capable of making their own decisions especially when I’m giving them all of the facts???? Fuck victim players!!!!

AGAIN DONT CRUCIFY ME THESE ARE ALL UNDERDEVELOPED BECAUSE IVE HAD NO GUIDANCE AND STRUGGLE WITH INTENSE MEMORY LOSS THE PAST 3 YEARS ALL I CAN DOCUMENT IS THE WAY I FEEL AND IM SEEing A PSYCH SOON ALL I Can do in the meantime is treat the people in my current circle with respect but I’m struggling and need my family to support me emotionally a little without invalidating me? But I can’t dump all of my shit on them consistently because fuck this level of emotional baggage on anybody other than a psych or myself lmao

But that’s okay because people will never understand how the individual feels and it genuinely is up to me to deal with my own shit.

[umnachtung]

survey stealing prof again this day wow really

When did you meet the last male you texted? on tumblr in ...2014??? idk

Are you currently looking forward to anything? getting my first job and money, going to the Hunchback of Notre-dam musical with my friend, always looking forward to random cat encounters.

Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell everything to? most things, i suppose.

This time last year, can you remember who you liked? No one.

Who was the last person you went out to eat with? My family for my sister’s birthday I think.

Whats going on with you and the person you last texted? I don’t know...? I don’t text much on phone.

Were you single on your last birthday? Yes. So what? who gives a fuck?

Did anything brighten up your day today? I went to the museum of communication and used the pneumatic post system there.

How are you feeling at this exact moment? Okay. Hungry.

Do you ever wonder how other people see you? Only people I care about.

Within the next 5 months, what are you looking forward to MOST? hopefully having a healthy arm again by then. maybe a job?

Do you want to cut your hair? Yes. It’s been months. Im dying, squirtle.

Would you rather have roommates or live alone? I would like to have a non-invasive flatmate or two.

Do you have any scars? Several from my cat.

Will you be in a relationship next month? Not that I know of.

Has someone upset you in the past 48 hours? Yes, myself.

Do you get drunk every weekend? No.

What makes you happy? cats, hot tea, rainy quiet days, a good funny conversation with friends, pigeons, crows, getting enough sleep, FOOD

Do you think relationships are ever really worth it? To an extend. You sure gain experience.

Is it possible to be single and happy? Very much so. A relationship shouldn’t define your happiness.

Is your profile private? Not really. They aren’t all too personal anyway (no naked profs or too tmi posts i think??)

What are you doing right now? Browsing tumblr, relaxing, doing this survey lol

Are you taller than 5 foot 7 inches? No. 5,3.

Are you one of those people who just don’t care? I am both extremes.

Do you find piercings and tattoos attractive on the opposite sex? Depends on the piercings and tattoos....

Who was the last person you talked to before you went to bed? online friends i think????

What’s the last important thing that you broke? How? I smashed my new lamp i got for my birthday one day before my actual birthday while cleaning with the vacuum cleaner and i knocked it over. luckily nothing in the internal electrics broke.

Are you planning to go see a movie anytime soon? I wanna watch the “Lego Batman” movie but im broke.

Do you break things when you are mad? No. 

Is it okay to kiss people if you’re single? I don’t really get this question.

What was the first thing you thought about when you woke up? My brain goes into full planning and thoughts flood mode while my body is not up for it usually.

Have you ever intentionally pissed someone off? Yes.

Do you want to be single? -shrugs-

Last three people to text you? Timo, Abelina, Rhoda

Does anyone completely understand you? I don’t even understand myself. I don’t expect anyone else to.

Is this summer gonna be a good one? Maybe? I am not a fan of summer.

How many piercings do you have besides ears? None. I don’t even have my ears pierced.

Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months or more? Sure. But it takes two to make it work.

Do you prefer to call or text? Text. Tho I like calls with close buddies more.

Expecting something to change in the next month? Not really. Maybe I will win the notebook that i participated in a raffle for.

You’re thinking about someone, aren’t you ? No. fuck you.

Ever like someone older than you? These questions are getting really dumb.

Can you remember the last time you really liked someone? No.

Where were you at 10:00 pm last night? At home.

When did you last cry? Saturday..???

Have you ever kissed the last person you last texted? No.

ONE OF YOUR SIBLINGS: Mon (there is only one sibling tho)

1. What is the age difference between you two? 

1 year. 

2. Do you know what this person is doing right now? I guess she is back from home after work.

3. How often do you and this person argue? Never???

4. What do you do together? Talk, walk her dog. We don’t really hang that much since she moved out.

5. Is this a step-sibling, half-sibling or full-sibling? a fully fleshed full big sis

THE LAST PERSON YOU TEXTED: Rhoda

1. What was the text about? She asked me how a person was called to google this very weird dumb valentines video.

2. When is the last time you saw this person? On webcam last moth I think?

3. Do you text each other more than you call each other? No. We call more often.

4. How old is this person? turning 25 this year.

5. What is this person’s favorite movie? I don’t know. Maybe a ridiculously funny zombie splatter movie.

YOUR FAVORITE TEACHER FROM LAST YEAR: Does Uni count? Prof. Brandhorst then.

1. Did this teacher give a lot of homework?

No. I was doing my bachelor thesis so we agreed on what to do for deadlines and meetings with her since she was my mentor for it.

2. Did the other students like them too?

I think so?

3. What subject did they teach?

basic design principles, character design, Environment design, prob design for games

4. Have they ever taught you before this year?

Yeah.

5. Does this teacher run any after school programs?

No. just consultation once a week.

ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS: Abelina

1. How long have you been best friends? About 12 years > yes

2. Have you ever fought about something silly then quickly made up? I don’t think so.

3. Where did you meet your friend? In highschool hell having each others backs.

4. Do you live near each other? We live in the same city. But soon she will move to China.

5. Do they have a significant other? Not that I know of.

THE LAST PERSON YOU SPOKE TO: Jane 1. Was this in person, through the telephone or the internet? In person.

2. What was the conversation about? hobby related.

3. How long did it last? 30 minutes?

4. What was the tone/mood of the conversation? Small talk, getting to know each other.

5. What is your relationship with this person? group member of a job integration program.

THE LAST PERSON YOU KISSED: my cat

1. Where did this kiss take place? on the floor.

2. Have you ever kissed this person before? Yes.

3. What were they wearing at the time of the kiss? her fur???

4. How long have you known this person? 14 years.

5. How often do you talk to this person? Not anymore. my cat died in 2015.

YOUR MOTHER: Allex

1. Do you spend a lot of time with her? Kinda. I still live at home.

2. How strong is the relationship between you two? Wasn’t that great. It’s getting better.

3. Do you tell them a lot about your personal life? Not really. 

4. What personality traits did you acquire from her? kicking my own ass when needed, tidiness/cleaness?, high quality standard for food?

5. What is the most frequent topic of argument? the crumbs on the counter in the kitchen.

YOUR FATHER: Andreas

1. What does your father do for a living? organising and restocking for the food used for ferry boats here.

2. Is he considered the head of the household? No. Currently the money  holder tho.

3. What personality traits did you acquire from him? sarcasm, this chill calmness only a true cow can radiate?,  sneezing too loud

4. What do you do together? making tasteless gross jokes to shock my mom.

5. Do you look anything like your father? Not anymore but you can’t really tell us apart on pictures where we both are the same age (3-6 years old??)

[soymilkenjoyer]

just need to type smthn out nothing to see here :-)

i need to see a therapist soon lol. i stopped going to my last one around march when quarantine began and i didnt want to deal w zoom calls w her, esp since i felt like i was just rambling to her and repeating myself every appointment and i wanted actual advice on dealing w all my shit, which she wasnt really giving me besides “heres some calming apps to help w ur anxiety :)”

depressions been curb stomping me dude, the days that i have off work i can barely leave my room. cant really make myself eat more than once a day bc of the chance i’ll see my brother or my dad wandering around the house. my brother is gonna b on house arrest for 3 months starting sometime in the next month or so, which will probably make things even more tense in the house than they are already. 

things are so rough for my mom and theres only so much i can do, and when i get like this im not as helpful with things as i need to be. i could write pages and pages about how fucked up my family is right now, life has been going downhill for all of us since the middle of last year. i just need to move out of this house, bc at least if i can it’ll relieve some immediate stress (though im worried as hell about leaving my mom by herself with everything, but if i dont get out of here soon haha...ha oh Man), obviously wont magic away my depression but being in a more stable environment with my friends will definitely make feeling better easier. BUT i also feel guilty bc i havent managed to find a second job in the 2 years!!! ive been saying i need another one, bc the min wage job i have now pays me an avg of $300 per check, most of which goes toward my car payment, so saving is really difficult. my friends say its fine if i need time to get on my feet, that they can support me the first month or so, i love them sm but fuck man i cant even count how many jobs ive applied for that i never heard anything back from, its really disheartening and im so worried that im gonna be a mooch just like i am now off my parents.

idk!!!! things have been bad for a really long time and its much easier to wallow about it than actually do anything. obviously this year has been bad for everyone in one way or another, everyones life has been disrupted by the pandemic and socially/politically we’re in hell, it would just be nice if my brain wasnt on fire while also dealing with that lmao! 

going all the way back to the therapy thing tho, last month my mom told me something from my childhood about my grandpa, who i know groped me, that i cant remember at all. that sent me into a huge panic attack, which i havent had since fuckin like high school, and now im worried im repressing some stuff bc i really cant remember much of my childhood?? i havent really talked about this with anyone bc i dont want to unload all that on my friends when i really should be getting professional help, it just sucks to be sitting on this when i dont even know if im making it up. and if im not making it up, i dont really want to go into therapy and work through it, im scared of what might resurface, i dont want to know even though the not knowing is whats making things difficult right now.

sorry if u actually read this essay of whiny garbage, i just needed to vent. typing things out is much easier for me than verbalizing them

[my-motherflippin-blog-son]

LOOK before we even start, yes its 4am and this is a vent post. 

I don’t think I’ve written anything here since quarantine started. no documentation of all the constant panic about everything. probably for the best lol.

My favorite moment of every day has been waking up and theres like a solid two minutes where for a moment all you’re thinking about is the dream you were just in. Which feels nice, because I’ve started dreaming again. 

Immediately after that moment though, it’s just constant panic about the future. thats kinda the overarching theme, “the future is going to be bad because of me” which is I guess how you more or less describe anxiety.

Most of my anxiety is about my senior project. or maybe my career? i don’t know the two worries feel kinda synonymous. The gist is I kinda feel naked. Like i’ve spent 6 or so years working toward this degree, only to feel like i’ve built nothing. I’m graduating soon, roughly 3 weeksI have no arsenal of tools I can use in the real world, no proficiency in any particular skill, no decent portfolio to show, no mental clarity about where the end goal is (in fact, im less sure than I was 3 years ago). I don’t even have any sort of clarity about who I am as a person. I feel more confused than ever. I spend ALL DAY thinking about how confused I am. I’ve spent 6 years building nothing. I’ve spent 6 years distracting myself from the fact that nothing matters to me, that I make nothing just because I want to. Why do I not want to make anything? I’d love to feel able to create freely. I haven’t had any passion for anything because I’ve been so afraid of doing things wrong or that i’ll make people think less of me. I’ve felt paralyzed this whole time to do ANYTHING. And that was in an environment where I was paying for the ability to take stupid risks and safety to fail comfortably for a few years!!! what the fuck am I supposed to do in the real world. I could write a book on how I spent the last 3 years approaching school wrong.

Ive been losing weight though (maybe not by choice). I’ve been talking to Vanessa bit more, which is nice. I’ve definitely been feeling repulsed by social media (but this time in a healthy way!!!). I’ve been managing my purging pretty well. I’ve gotten into goin outside and shooting at a basketball hoop as a healthy stress relief And in a weird way, even though the world is hell, the feeling of “world-wide pause” that comes with a quarantine has felt like an inhaler for my anxiety.Theres a lot less external pressures to be doing things now. So all thats sort a of a plus?????

but I hate to say it but the suicidal thoughts are back. But the fact that all my anxiety is about the future is probably a good sign that im not actually gonna do anything. 

God, I feel like I just need someone to lean on for a fuckin’ second. I realize im mellow dramatic and selfish for feeling a lot of what im feeling. I know the worlds got issues. but GOD it’d be real nice to have someone help organizing the shit in my head. I indirectly joked about needing a therapist instead of a senior project advisor and my mom kinda made a face like I said something crazy. like “why do you need a therapist when im the one with a dying mother who I have to take care of every day and also find the time to work 12 hour days to financially support y’all.” Which obviously, is not how she’d react if I told her more directly, but that gut reaction of “are you being serious” felt a bit like a sign. And Camaryn’s breaking down on her own, but I haven’t been able to talk to her about this stuff for months. Almost 2 years now. She’s really the only one who could give me an outside perspective on the senior project stuff (3 weeks away from being due and after a year I still have nothing to show btw im flipping out about that). i just don’t wanna abuse people with my problems. I don’t want to take advantage of them. To add to the stress.

[feelinsdumpster]

things i want to do in the coming decade

1 January 2020

1. now that the most hellish part of my student career is over and i’m given more time for myself, i want to read at least 3 books a month (with at least 1 classic every two) in 2020, and try read one more book every month in the coming years

2. write better reviews for the books i’ve read, and maybe post reading logs here

3. i want to reread some of my absolute favourite titles and finally put up my honest reviews for them. maybe i’ll post a shitpost here about how much i love em

4. i want to get over my fear of writing (and get over the trauma that resulted this) so that i can not only stop procrastinating for homework, but also start writing the shit i’ve always wanted to write

5. start carrying a tiny book around for when i have a random spontaneous idea, so that i can write them down. i tend to always have spontaneous ideas but i never remember them by the time i’m about to write them down so hopefully this will help

6. read or write as i commute instead of wallowing in sadness as i listen to music

7. post an essay here once every 2 weeks (or at least once a month) about issues i care about, and hopefully improve my writing along the way

8. wake up earlier and keep doing so consistently, like 7am or something, and not get fatigued over doing so

9. go on morning walks, heck, or even walk up the hill to campus if i have to, because your loser girl over here has been recommended to lose weight by 4 doctors over the last few years and it’s about time i tried

10. try lessen my shopping and stop being a victim of consumerism. 2019 (or at least the latter half) was probably the one year in which i spent a shitload of money on things that i did not necessarily need. it’s become a habit i cannot control where i buy things on impulse thinking ‘i need it’ or ‘it’ll be gone if i don’t get it’ when i know that is not true and i don’t need it and that the only reason i’m compelled to buy them is because i live in a very consumerism-centric society that also conveniently does not have sales tax, and live in a very image-based era where how you look online is big deal and you always ‘have’ to keep up with the trends when that’s bullshit and anyone that decides to unfriend you over such deserves to be out of your life because holy fuck is that toxic. 

11. try not only make more new friends, but also start talking again to some of my old friends/acquaintance. it could be because the old environment was gone, it could be because we’ve all matured a bit and grown up, but whereas i though it would be cringe as fuck to accidentally come across people i used to know, i was surprised to find it pretty pleasant and not as nasty as i’ve expected (this is probably because i have deep-set issues regarding how people perceive me but ye) and i think it would be nice to talk again and shit on our past lol. that, and making new friends, i need to stop giving people a singular vibe check and pussying out when i don’t like it. i want to try get to know new people more without bias and maybe gain friends instead of simply acquaintances

12. get over my stage fright and be more confident (this sorta bleeds into the next point)

13. learn to stop caring about what other people think. when you live in a society that greatly values the idea of ‘face’, this point can be really hard to do. but really, no one but yourself has any stake in what you’re doing right now or for the future, so you better do you sis

14. figure out what i want out of life and my university experience. tbh i spent a good portion of my life being pushed around by people, in hopes that i’d end up here or i’d end up there, i really never thought about what i really wanted. in 2019 i really focused on how i felt throughout with my growth and i started caring for myself more (which i honestly should have done long before because i am so emotionally unstable i don’t know how i’ve lasted this long actually). sadly enough, as i started caring more for myself, what everyone had hoped out of me were absolutely shattered. i didn’t score too well in my public exams because i didn’t want to push myself too hard; i ended up not getting into the much favoured first choice for a uni degree; and i ended up discovering that i want simplicity out of life: i don’t want to be a hero, i don’t want to be a leader, i just want to live happily and help people in tiny non-extravagant ways. this was much to everyone’s dismay lol. i also rekindled my fondness for literature and am pursuing a second major in english to the great disapproval of everyone else (i was a pretty good student at school and i did focus on science and math so this came as a shock to everyone, doesn’t help that i’m asian). but i really like what i’m doing right now. it’s more broad and i can sort of figure out what i want to do. but with that i also had this massive crisis where i didn’t know what the hell i was doing and i also didn’t want to be wasting my degree taking shit willy nilly and develop no interest or skills. so i really want to figure that out u kno

15. graduate at a healthier state mentally and physically (very easy to manipulate because, arguably speaking, i can either a) never have graduated, or b) never stop learning, and both seem wonderful to me lol)

16. stop avoiding my problems and using them as a comedic crux; actually solve them and my longheld issues; maybe actually try going to therapy or counselling

17. learn to let go of the people who have wronged me and learn to accept that i’ve made mistakes that may have greatly altered my life but should nevertheless be accepted as something that has happened and cannot be changed

18. learn to stop falling for toxic or unavailable people. self-explanatory. touche

19. learn to be kinder to myself. i don’t know how 2019 was for you, but it’s probably been one of the years where i’ve been the unhappiest i could ever be. whereas in the first half i was stressed beyond my wits and over-obsessed with some random public exam that really has no right in defining my future and self-worth, though it did (which is so shitty and stupid to begin with). in the second half, now that that fiasco was out of my head, i’ve sort of come face to face with how self-destructive my habits and attitude towards a lot of things are. you could probably tell from the shit i wrote before this point but positive self-image is not my forte, and i have essentially no idea what i’m doing or want out of life. arguably speaking, i’ve had a lot of people tell me or hint that i’m inadequate in many ways (be it because of how the education system is here, or my own complicated background), so i rarely ever hear compliments about myself or my work (or maybe i just suck in general idk). university has happened for a few months now and it’s been a bit jarring having adults tell me that i’m doing ok, or that they understand my background, or that i shouldn’t be doubting myself so much because i’m like ‘what the fuck that’s all i’ve been told to do?’. i guess it’s understandable why it’s important to know where you lack so as you can improve or like assimilate in society better (which i highly disagree with but i digress), but like holy fuckin hell did anyone ever think about how damaging that would be to a child’s self-esteem? maybe you won’t relate because you’re emotionally strong, or had a good upbringing, or didn’t lack all that much or you were a very normal kid, but if you wanted to know what it was like for someone who didn’t really have, or was, any of that: it sucked major ass, and it’s greatly affected how i ended up as an adult. i’m constantly anxious over nothing, and i have random fits of just gut-wrenching sadness, and god is it getting in the way of my daily life. now that i am doing ‘fine’ at school, i’m sole source of all negative criticism to compensate for the jarring lack thereof, and i’m terribly confused as to what people want out of me, as if that should even matter heck. never in my life did i ever let myself think that everything was going to be fine. never in my life did i ever let myself think i was adequate for whatever it was i was doing or wherever the hell i ended up. i realise i’ve spent nearly two decades of my life never cutting myself some slack even though the fact that i’ve made it this far and well and healthy, is to a large extent, completely on me and that i should be happy with myself. it’s about time i tried rebuilding my self-image and it’s about time i stopped giving myself ass when i don’t deserve it. and it sort of pisses me off that it takes a completely different environment for this to finally be clear to me and it’s baffling that i was once in such a toxic environment outside and within myself. i still am working to be kinder to myself; and the environment outside is still greatly toxic, but it is how it is and oh boy is that depressing. part of me still wished somebody taught me to be nicer to myself; part of me still wished the world would have been nicer to me; so here i am today, trying to fill the gap that was left by lack thereofs of the two

learning to be kinder to yourself is never really an easy task, especially if you’re already balls deep in being a dick to everything that you are. i’m sure it’ll take more than a decade, but i hope that the earlier i start, the better it’ll be for myself :)

20. be at a point where i’m genuinely happier with myself. i highly doubt any of you made it this far but if you have, i wish for you too: that in the coming decade, you’ll be at a point where you’re genuinely happier with yourself

extra:

21. FINALLY SUCC SOME DICK ITS ABOUT TIME IM NO LONGER SINGLE WHAT THE FU-