#Forever grateful for tumblr that I met this amazing person she has my heart and soul

[entirelysein-e]

The fact that I see my bestie again in 7 weeks is my reason to get up every morning 😭

[carlos-in-glasses]

The Notorious C-I-G

💌 🍄 📚 🏜️ 🐝 (you don’t have to answer this one if you don’t want, I already know it’s me 🤭)

Lemon...right?

💌 ⇢ how many unread emails do you have right now?

Darn you for making me look! 248!

🍄 ⇢ share a head canon for one of your favourite ships or pairings

Answered this one here and here but here is another: After Andrea met TK and really started opening up her heart and mind to Carlos being gay and in love with another man, she began seeking out queer art, books, shows, so she could learn more about the community her son is a part of. Carlos recommends and lends her things! I touch on this in my fic Wrestling Angels.

📚 ⇢ what’s the last thing you wrote down in your notes app?

I didn't have to say anything. He knew I was shaking.

🏜️ ⇢ what’s your favourite type of comment to receive on your work?

I love it when an aspect or overall theme leads a reader to discuss something and it gets a bit more personal and chatty. Fire Island and Sweet Dreams and Flying Machines led to comments in which people shared their memories and feelings about the AIDS crisis and about 9/11 respectively. I guess it makes it seem like the fic has a bit more 'social impact' in a way. It's quite amazing when that happens.

🐝 ⇢ tag your biggest supporter(s) and say one nice thing about them

Haha @lemonlyman-dotcom... right? You have been so supportive and friendly from the beginning - the beginning being pre-tumblr when you were leaving such lovely comments on my fics. When I saw you'd set up your tumblr I was so happy to be able to interact with you on here too. And now look!

And @thisbuildinghasfeelings - you were one of the first people I spoke to on here and your kindness and enthusiasm not just towards my writing is just incredible and I feel very lucky you're here.

@heartstringsduet your comment on Afterglow of a Supernova basically changed my life in that it made me instantly more confident in my writing, like it represented a turning point in how I felt about it, and you've always been in my corner. And you've made art for my fics???!!!

@goodways you have been so lovely about my fics I feel like I can never thank you enough and your comments always make me laugh and make me think. Your feedback always means the world to me.

@herefortarlos your enthusiasm for my fics, all fics and this fandom is a thing of beauty and so inspiring.

@welcometololaland you were one of the first people to ever tag me in anything and I remember it vividly because I couldn't believe it haha. Your comments are always so hilarious and make me feel like I've done something right, and without you I wouldn't have written I Was Thinking About Your Mouth, so I am forever grateful for that and for you being such a good sounding board when I complain about work!

@cold-blooded-jelly-doughnut mate, you are divine and the fact that you spend any time beta'ing my fics when they are still kinda hot messes is wild to me. Thank you as well for your kindness and generosity!

@im-overstimulated-and-im-sad you are a delight and your comments are like a balm to my soul!

@reyesstrand Also from really early on you were leaving such encouraging comments on my fics and including me in WIP tags and things and I'm so grateful and forever awestruck.

@paperstorm I always cherish in particular how incredible you were about Fire Island (and When Soulmates Swim recently!), and how you helped so much in my hour of need when the whole scary situation around Afterglow of a Supernova happened. Thank you!

There are other people too of course but I worry I'm banging on a bit too much like I'm at the Oscars and the music is going to play over me talking so I just want to wrap up by saying thank you to everyone who has read my fics and commented and left kudos - I've said it before and I'll say it again, it really does blow me away that you're giving your precious free time to my stories in that way.

[nobutfredweasleytho]

YOU JUST DON’T LISTEN(F.W)

Summary: Fred’s ex girlfriend writes him a letter to explain the how him using her wrecked her emotionally.

Warnings: angst, like a lot of angst, depressed Y/N, mentions of self doubt, a little swearing, mentions of parents not loving correctly, used reader. Let me know if I missed anything.

A/N: Major thank you to Gabriella @onlyfreds for being an amazing person and encouraging me to write whatever this mess is. I am forever grateful to you

(The font is terrible Im sorry im just getting used to working on tumblr)

Fred Weasley checked the muggle clock on his nightstand. 10:30 AM. His mom will call him for breakfast anytime now. He has been awake for quite some time if he can even count the 30 minutes he tried to sleep but couldn’t, not when every time he tries to close his eyes his mind and eventually dreams are clouded by her. By the last time he looked at her, how devastated she looked, How her face was wet from her tears and her eyes bloodshot red, but the thing Fred will never be able to forget is her voice. How raw and vulnerable she sounded while saying the most horrible thing’s anyone has ever said to him, but he can’t blame her, he has no one to blame but himself because in the end it was he who caused all of this and now its come to bite him in the ass. He hears the door open and his twin brother George enters.

“Mom says breakfast is ready and she wants you downstairs. She says she’ll drag you herself if you don’t show up again today.”

“Tell her I’m not hungry and I’ll come grab a bite later.” I really don’t feel like being surrounded by other people right now. Not in this pathetic state I’m in. Besides it will take me willpower I don’t have to not hex Ron into oblivion.

“Well she will not take no for an answer and I wont either. What’s done is done now and you’ll have to face the world someday so start with your own family because everyone down there is worried sick about you and the least you can do is show your face once in a while so they know you haven’t died of starvation or sleep deprivation.” George has worry written all over him and I’m sure the rest of the family has it too. I feel even more like shit for worrying them.

“Fine. But I come back here if she is mentioned are we clear?”

“We weren’t gonna mention Y/N anyway now lets go moms worried sick for your dumbass.”

Breakfast was going smoothly with Ginny and Ron being exited for Quidditch season, Harry and Bill discussing the unfortunate events of the Triwizard tournament last year, dad asking Hermione about a rubber duck whatever that is, but the most shocking thing is mom asking me and George about the joke shop products. George is doing most of the talking but still the fact that shes even asking is awesome. I was finally feeling peaceful this whole winter break until I heard a hoot outside the window.

“I thought it was Tuesday but since mail is here does it mean its Friday already? Oh how fast time is going.

“No Arthur honey you are right it is Tuesday, Bill or George can one of you see if that owl has the owners name attached to it and bring whatever letter he has here to see who is it for.”

Bill got up from his seat and went to the window next to the countertop to look at the mystery owl. “Do we even know a Y/N Y/L/N?”

The room went quiet. The only thing that could be heard was the owls hoot asking for its treat. Bill seemed not to realise this as he took the letter from the owl, gave him a treat and sent it on its way.

“To Fred Weasley from Y/N Y/L/N… Who’s Y/N is she the girl you’ve been crying over this whole time huh Freddie?” Bill chuckled but I just grabbed the letter. I had no time to even be mad at him because once again my mind fogs up with only her. I couldn’t help but feel relieved and the happiest I felt in a long time. She has forgiven me. Y/N forgave me. That has to be it. Why else would she send me a letter?

“I had a great time with you guys but there’s important matters for me to attend so I have to go to now. Thanks mom the breakfast was amazing as always.” And with that I sprinted towards my room, locked the door and examined the letter in my hands. It was a bunch of them in here. I went to mine and George’s worktable threw some papers that were on top of it to make room for these letters and carefully opened the envelope.

The first thing that I grabbed was a photo. It was a polaroid of me and Y/N on the Gryffindor common room. Happiness filled my heart when I started remembering this night. I looked at the back of the polaroid and surely enough there was a writing on it.

Fred and Yn on the Gryffindor common room at 1 AM the night she turned 17. Listening to ABBA’s “Dancing Queen”. Picture taken by major 3rd wheel George Weasley.

Tears filled my eyes when I remember this night. It was the night I looked at her the way I always should have. Not as a replacement of someone who didn’t care about me.

The next one was also a polaroid photograph but this one I don’t remember being taken. It’s a picture of Y/N teaching me how to play the guitar. I can make up that we are in her dorm but not more as the picture is taken in black and white. I look at the back and surely this one also has a writing on it but the handwriting doesn’t look familiar at all.

A drunken Y/N accompanied by a even drunker Fred trying to play the guitar in the middle of the night. If I fail my charms exam tomorrow I’m killing you both but right now you two look adorable. Picture taken by Cho Chang.

The third one is an actual letter. I chuckle looking at the handwriting. Always so precise and not even one line out of place. I always thought Y/Ns handwriting always contradicts her hot headed persona but it’s actually really cute. I start reading the letter and my heart stops.

Dear Freddie,

I can only imagine the shock that receiving a letter from me would cause you right now especially after our last conversation.

But I have a lot to get off of my chest and I wont be able to move on if I haven’t said it all. Call me a coward but I was really scared to ask you to meet me so I can say it in person, but maybe that’s what I have always been. A coward. A coward because I get scared when someone wants to enter my life, a coward because I hate trying new things at the expense of failing, a coward because I should be able to confront people who brought darkness and sadness to my life.

But one thing I will admit Fred Weasley is that I wasn’t a coward when It came to loving you. It was the first time that I let someone come into my life and heart the way you did, and it will probably be the last. Throughout our “relationship” if you can even call it that as it was more of you customizing me to be her, to be someone I’m not. But that’s why you even talked to me is it, because I reminded you of her.

The signs were right in front of me and I feel stupid enough not to have seen them. But I guess people are right when they say love is blind. Love is such a funny thing to me as the first time I experienced the right kind of love was through you. But that was me creating stuff in my head. You didn’t love me no, you loved the idea of me. But I loved you. I loved you more than anything or anyone I have ever loved, I loved everything about you. But you just don’t listen. You don’t listen to anyone around you. Not George, not your other siblings, not Lee or any of your other friends for that matter, not your professors, but most importantly you don’t listen to me.

You didn’t listen when I told you that the love my parents gave me was only because I reminded them of my brother, the love my old friends back home gave me was one of interest. Everywhere I go no matter who I talk to no one will love me for me. I came to accept that until I met you.

You were funny and crazy and brave and oh so gorgeous. You were basically everything I looked for in… well everything. In a friend or in a partner it doesn’t matter. I thought you saw me for who I am. A broken teenager with issues but that at the end of the day was deserving of love. Oh how wrong I have been but no more wrong than you. You knew this but you just didn’t listen.

That makes us both horrible people now does it. Me who thought you were some kind of savior or some kind of saint and selfishly wrapped myself around your love and you who used me because I remind you of your ex girlfriend who broke your heart. But mine is excused I feel like and yours isn’t.

You would have kept me going for who knows how long just so you can live your imaginations you had for someone else.

Did you think about her the first time we slept together?

Was I not enough for you Freddie?

Was I too clingy too soon?

Is it my hot temper that gets the best of me?

So many questions will be left unanswered on my end because frankly, I never want to speak of you again. Sure I am deprived of love but I will not take it if its not directed directly at me.

I still care about you and will continue to support you and George on whatever you set your mind into. I was waking through Diagon Alley last week and saw this little store with a “for sale” sign. It’s right in the middle of Diagon Alley. I hate how my first thought went that you would have loved it but I seem to do that a lot recently.

I’ll get dressed and think would Fred love this skirt or this shirt.

I start applying lipstick and I’ll think will Fred love this color.

I start eating and I’ll think does this look good enough that Fred would’ve stolen a piece of it when I’m talking to Ginny.

I don’t even know why I am telling you this. How pathetic I’ve become clinging into someone that doesn’t want me.

Anyway I’ve probably bored you enough with my ranting but I wouldn’t have been able to move on unless I said everything that felt heavy on my heart. I also attached some photos I thought you’d like to keep seeing as now you can see yourself with Kayla without having the burden to be near me.

Say hi to your siblings and Harry for me.

Have a nice life,

Y/N

[schibi12]

Heyyo!! So this post may get long and a bit personal if you are not interested by that you can keep on scrolling no problem.

Last year I did a post where I told how Tumblr was a huge support for me during the whole quarantine and how I met amazing people in it and strangely enough the same thing happened this year, so take this a YouTube rewind of sorts where I talk about all the great people I've met and befriended and how much I've grown as a person since last year, this is a Tumblr Reblog if you will.

My blog has changed a lot from 2020 to 2021, last year only did occasional reviews and memes for DuckTales and other Disney properties but this year oh boy, I've done a bunch of AUs, I've done art for my AUs and fanart in general,I created Ocs and sonas, I've rambled a lot this year about not only Disney properties but about Looney Tunes, Animaniacs, Marvel, Musicals and just so much more I feel like I have expressed more of who I am to you guys.

And the amazing people I've met in this quite literal hellsite lol, have been so kind and supportive to me that they I am gonna do a roll call/ shoutout to you incredible people and if I forgotten one of you i am so sorry but remember you are great too!!

@blue-main & @joyseer24 I am forever grateful for meeting you two you've been incredibly kind, supportive, helpful and just the greatest friends I've ever had and for being my first internet friends I am glad that it was you guys.

@tophthedaydreamer I am so intimidated to talk you sometimes I don't know why I feel like you are just so much cooler than me even though you are just as dorky as me but you are so talented and thanks to you I've seen the Beetlejuice musical also thanks to you I started doing AUs because I did a silly post about how Iron-Man and Captain America reminded me of Bugs Bunny and Mickey Mouse and you left a nice message in your tags about how this was big brain and how I should continue it and I didn't want to do it but your comment motivate me to do it and I've done a bunch of AUs because of that message in the tags so thanks and I hope to talk to you more in the future.

@lexi0507 thanks to you we have a Discord server and we met a bunch of cool people and you're so cool, unapologetically yourself and supportive and I love your art and ocs.

@wastelandchannel I know we haven't talked recently but thanks to you I think we wouldn't have the Toon Tykes so thank you and I hope you are doing and feeling better.

@ohmymabe you are so nice and I love your art and how creative you are, and you're also kind of a founder of The Toon Tykes with the many AUs and ocs you did of the children of Oswald and Julius y Eres una muy Buena Amiga!

@dizbunny Diz with the Gifs you are so sweet you always have something nice to say and I know you started your journey with art and it's not easy just have patience and don't be too hard on yourself.

@su-nioj We haven't talked that much but you have made amazing art I like to call you the ninja silent but talented and I hope to get to know you more in the future.

@dalia1784 we haven't interacted as much as I want to. It we do follow each other Tumblr and Twitter and we tagged each other on tag games and I hope to get to know you better, but you make amazing art and deserve so much attention and appreciation like literally go follow her she has amazing ocs designs and stories.

@you-big-palooka & @amelia-bedeliaa you keep posting about Disney ducks and Mickey and friends respectively your post always bring me joy or discover a good fic or follow someone who makes amazing fanart and keep on reblogging.

I think that's it if I missed one of my mutuals or you don't take it personally you are amazing and great it's just I listed more people in this post than last year so I might have forgotten a few.

And once again thank you from the bottom of my heart I am forever grateful that I have Tumblr in my life because without it I wouldn't have met all these amazing people and I wouldnt be drawing so thank you to all my followers, mutuals and friends and here's to another year!!

Muchas gracias los quiero mucho!!! 💛

[strwberrytae]

So Long, Farewell, and Goodbye For Now -

“I don’t know how you are so familiar to me—or why it feels less like I am getting to know you and more as though I am remembering who you are. How every smile, every whisper brings me closer to the impossible conclusion that I have known you before, I have loved you before—in another time, a different place, some other existence.”     - Lang Leav

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Hello, You ♡ Yes, You. You ethereal, beautiful being. I am writing to you with bittersweet yet wonderful news - depending on the perspective. I am writing this post to inform all of you that I will no longer be writing for this blog for the foreseeable future. What I mean by that is that I am not giving up writing forever, no. But my life has changed so much over the last two years, I do not see myself writing again for quite some time. But don’t worry! I will be back!

Below the Read More section, I have poured my heart and soul into the real reasons why I’ve made this decision. I warn you, it’s lengthy but it’s everything that has led up to this over the years. So, if you fancy, have a read. If not, I bid you farewell and wish you all the happiness in the world. Thank you for supporting me so far. I truly appreciate it and love you all very dearly. Now, if you wish to read it at a later time, I will have a link available on my page at all times for anyone who is curious. It’s a hell of a story if you ask me ~

Edit: Made by Me - also, a surprise photo at the end Warnings/Triggers: Talks of emotional abuse, depression, and suicide but also happiness and love -

When I first started this blog, it was 2016. I had been on Tumblr for over a decade now but BTS led me to writing passionately for 2 years. I was incredibly active and utterly consumed by this website. Not just for the writing, but I was so obsessed because of my friends and mutuals that I made along the way. Can I just say that I’ve met some incredible people on this platform - including my best friend and soulmate? Truthfully, the absolute best friend I have ever had. But more importantly, Tumblr was my greatest escape. I mean this website truly has been my saving grace through very dark times.

In that part of my life, I was in an extremely toxic relationship; by then, it was 6 years I was with him. He was emotionally abusive, had such a short-fuse temper, hated everyone I knew which led me never really seeing any of my friends after college, knew I was anorexic and did nothing to stop me, knew I had depression since we started dating and always argued it as if it wasn’t real, crushed my dreams and ambitions, mocked potential suicide attempts, expected me to just abandon all hope to ever leave home to explore someplace new or get a job that I actually love. He was...just the worst. Never hit me though, so I’m grateful for that. But sometimes I wish he would so it would have given me the voice I needed to get out of that relationship much sooner than I did. But regardless, because of him plus having a soul-sucking job that wore me down to the core, Tumblr was my escape. BTS was my escape.

I fell hard and I fell deep. I created a fantasy world within this world. All of my dreams, fantasies, desires, and hopes were poured into my writing. My imagination was running wild. My activity was through the roof because I was always on here day in and out, just pretending like the outside world didn’t exist. It consumed me...but I needed it. Looking back, it was pretty excessive. At the time, I seemed perfectly normal because everyone else was just as active and saying the same things and doing the same things. I felt a belonging, like I fit in.

But I hated the person I became. It took me getting yelled at, mocked, ridiculed, and belittled by my ex to snap me out of that illusion I built and back into reality. That was the roughest night that we had filled with lots of screaming on his end and crying on my part. He thought my obsession was sick. He thought it was disgusting. It all started because he found fake texts I had made with Jimin and Tae. Don’t recall the story it was a part of but he thought they were texts with the actual members… In my eyes, I should get credit for making them look so legit but he didn’t see it that way. He thought fangirling over men was essentially cheating. No matter how hard I tried to explain, he didn’t understand. But a part of his view was right. I learned that I was a bit too much into it and I really needed to take a step back from Tumblr for a while. So I did. I deactivated my account and disappeared for months. Also because he made me and threatened our relationship if I didn’t. Should have taken the out but ah well.

Just two months prior to this incident, I attempted suicide. Well, contemplated. Everything was planned out. Bought a hotel room for Thanksgiving night as I was working a super late shift until about 1-2am. My commute home was an hour long and I still had to come back to work at 7am. So I got a room. Brought a large amount of pills with me and I was going to call it. No notes written to friends, family, or loved ones. Nothing. I was done. Didn’t think anyone would miss me. I just figured the world would keep turning without me. I had thought about doing this several times before but this was my first time making plans for it. It was my lowest of the low. But then I met someone that night that changed my life entirely just in a 10 minute interaction of talking - nothing special. We’ll get to that later. But this person just gave me hope and to this day, I still can’t explain it. It was euphoric. I felt clarity. It was in that night that I thought I might hold out just a little bit longer.

And thus @strwberrytae was born - but it was far from the same. At first, I restarted the blog in secret. Why would I do this? Why would a 25 year old open a blog in secret? Well, two months after the awful fight, my ex proposed to me and I said yes. I know. Believe me, I know. I was scared. My depression was getting worse again. I no longer had an escape except for books. All I did was read so I had some sort of reality to be in besides my own. But returning to a brand new blog did not give the same satisfaction as returning to an old blog.

I worked so hard on my first blog and this redo, I tried to consider it as a gift. Perhaps this was a chance to start anew and rebrand myself. This optimism kept up for quite some time. Slowly, I added my favorite past works then added some new chapters. If you’ve been here with me since 2017, you would know that my appearance on Tumblr was still not the same. Then I got married in October.

An empty, loveless marriage that I regret to this day. Needless to say, my writing and activity on Tumblr was still practically non-existent as I was still too scared of getting caught. Even though he finally gave me permission to use it again because he could tell how miserable it was making me. Yes, gave me permission. Thankfully, it all ended after a year. I finally went to a therapist even though I hated them so much and all past therapists I had. She was pretty great. Within five sessions, I summoned the courage to break up with this guy. I was finally set free. Nearly 9 years together and I finally felt like I could breathe.

Unfortunately, although I was free, I had to live with the guy for about 5 months after the breakup. Which was beyond rough, believe me. Imagine someone writhing in pain and bawling their eyes out and venting non-stop about all of their faults and wrongdoings every single day. At the end of the day, as shitty as he was to me, he was my best friend too. We went through a lot of shit together and he did have some good sides to him too. So witnessing this was horrendous. Needless to say, I wasn’t getting much privacy either. Writing was not my top priority. Now it’s 2019 and things changed drastically for the better - and worst.

Remember the person I met in 2016 on Thanksgiving night? Well, that person is someone I crushed on every since that night. For 2 years. People, I’m telling you. He did absolutely nothing special that night. He didn’t flirt with me. He didn’t check me out. He didn’t do anything remotely to make a girl swoon but I was so drawn to him. The only word that could describe it was “cosmic” - beautifully cosmic. 

Well in January 2019, 2 months following my break up, he came into my store one day. And my god did he look incredible. He was dressed head to toe in black - a fitted black suit at that. He even wore this long, designer jacket to match. Hair shaved on the sides with beautiful, thick dark hair on top. So tall - 182cm. A smile that could kill; quite literally. The canines are on point. He looked like a five course meal. That day, he definitely flirted with me. By the end of the week, we had our first date. Sadly, I also lost my job in the same week and was unemployed for a year because no one would hire me. I was laid off and one of my seniors took my job. Of course, they needed to keep me around for the holidays and then give me the boot. I was devastated. I hated that job so much as it only aided in fueling my depression but losing it was definitely an amazing thing. And! I survived on my savings and definitely didn’t spend my time writing. I had life to sort out last year - like from the ground up. No worries though. I got a job in February 2020 and I love it, so it’s all good, baby. Now I’m in the health field and feel like I’m actually helping people, which I love.

Now, here we are 2 years later and I’m engaged to the man.  Someone who makes me smile everyday, believes in me, encourages me, let’s me be 100% myself, travels with me, taught me how to love myself, taught me to accept my body, gets me on a level that only my best friend could, and someone who goes above and beyond every single day to show me how much he loves me. Bonus, he welcomes my love for BTS with open arms, reads my writing, AND has even been sucked in himself to the fandom. Jungkook and Jimin, look out. You got another fanboy. I thought true love was impossible for me but I was very, very wrong.

He has shown me that I can be happy and I have finally experienced true happiness. When people ask how I’m doing, I don’t cringe and lie through my teeth. I smile and say that I am doing well because by George, I am. Everyone around me has seen me over the last two years and made the comment, “you look so much happier”. They meet him and swoon just as much as I do. Is he perfect? No, he’s not. He has flaws just like everyone else but he actually grows and learns from his mistakes to better himself. That’s what amazes me the most. Even if we argue, which is seldom, he refuses to let it go without resolution so we can always fix whatever the issue is. As we like to call it, we’re in-sync. In everything, we’re always so in-sync. I’m wildly in love, my dudes.

So, why am I not writing anymore? To put it simply, I’m happy and don’t really feel the desire to write anymore - at least not fanfiction. Even when I was super young, like elementary school, I used writing as an outlet for my dark escape. I wrote poetry primarily and by middle school, it turned to fanfiction for Supernatural, Simple Plan, and Panic! At The Disco. Along with a very long list of other bands and shows but anyways. I’ve been severely depressed since I was 15 and fanfiction put me in this hole that I couldn’t get out of. I relied on this method to help me get through all the bad shit I was dealing with. It was my coping mechanism.

Now? While depression never truly goes away as the lovely disease that it is, I am genuinely happy. Because of this, when I opened all of my past works and works in progress, I felt nothing but guilt. Guilt for not keeping up with my chapters or keeping my account active. I felt dread to have to escape in this world that I had created. I felt no joy or excitement. It was the strangest feeling that happened all in a matter of seconds. Thus leading to my final decision to take a step away from writing. Do I still love it? Absolutely. But now I think I’m going to re-route and focus my writing on what I love - reality. I’m going to get back into journaling and write essays about love and beauty as I’ve always loved to do. But for escaping into a fantasy world? I don’t know when I’ll be back.

Now I know what you’re thinking. “But you can write and be happy!” Nah fam. Writing has been my aid through dark times and now I mostly associate it with those dark times. And for once in my life, I feel this desire to enjoy reality and remain in it - with the exception of journaling here and there. Even daydreaming is difficult. It’s strange. I love my reality. This sounds like gloating now but it’s truly a remarkable feeling. When you’ve been battling depression for 15 years, it feels really freaking nice to say that I’m happy.

So that’s why I’m taking a break - in a very long, drawn out way. But my hope was that after this long story, you might understand truly why I am doing this. It would have been easier to just say that writing doesn’t bring me joy anymore but I feel that I owe more than that; especially because I really don’t know if I’ll write for this blog ever again. The last time I took a break, I disappeared without being able to explain myself and I wanted to do so now that I have the chance.

Ultimately, thank you to everyone who has stuck by me over the years. It’s truly been one hell of a rollercoaster. The friends I’ve made on here have seen me at my lowest of the lows. But hey! I’ll still be around. I just won’t be publishing or continuing any of my works anywhere in the near future. Seriously though. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. This website has helped me tremendously and I’ll never forget it. Besides, there’s lots of other exciting things happening in my life now so you’ll certainly see me pop in here and there to talk about it ♡

If you wish, you can message me for questions or anything you want to know. I’m an open book - at least about most things hehe. And don’t worry. I still very much love Taehyung and still wildly obsessing over how marvelous he is. Umf.

(here’s some recent photos of me as i rarely take selfies anymore haha. and a derp photo of me and the man i love >_< why is the cutest photo of him with the worst photo of me? still cute though hehe)

[punemy-spotted]

From the Positivity Sleepover...

Please answer whatever questions make you comfortable...

🧼 If you could go back to any time in your life and meet your younger self, what time would you go back to and what would you want to tell yourself?

🐬 Where is a space or group of people that’s always made you feel welcome and supported?

🧢 What’s one thing you can identify about yourself that you like/think is good?

☂️ What are some things you’d like to do to help make your blog a more positive and inviting space in the future?

🎀 Who are some people on Tumblr you feel demonstrate kindness and positivity well?

Hello my love! I'm sorry I took so long to respond to this — I ended up working overtime and only got home at about 9:00pm my time. A nightmare.

As for the questions... I'm going to use a readmore because it's so long and I'm rambly.

🧼 If you could go back to any time in your life and meet your younger self, what time would you go back to and what would you want to tell yourself?

If I could go back in time...? It would probably be to that middle school version of me, about eleven years old and struggling. Sick and unable to explain why she was so sick, in pain and too scared to tell anyone she was in pain. I'd tell her all the truths she'd been denied, tell her she was going to follow her dreams and be stronger than anyone ever expected of her, and tell her that she was enough. More than enough.

🐬 Where is a space or group of people that’s always made you feel welcome and supported?

Well, not to be corny, but here has definitely been a place. I've met amazing, wonderful people who make me want to be a better person every day. It's just amazing, this place. I'm also very lucky to have a small group of close-knit friends in my offline life who would... probably be willing to commit a murder for me, honestly. They also make me want to be a better person — and sometimes make me laugh so hard I get a headache.

🧢 What’s one thing you can identify about yourself that you like/think is good?

Oh this is... a hard question. I'm always hypercritical of myself, and it's hard to compliment oneself, but... I try very hard to be positive and kind, and I think I like that about myself? I suppose. There is a power in weaponizing kindness to defeat demons like self-loathing and doubt and hate. It's harder to turn it around on oneself, but I think everyone deserves to have someone willing to go to bat for them, and I want very much to be that person for everyone I can because that's very important to me. Support.

☂️ What are some things you’d like to do to help make your blog a more positive and inviting space in the future?

I wish I had the time and brainspace to read more fanfiction. Which I know sounds bizarre but I want to read all my friends' works and comment and tell them how amazing they are because they're all amazing and everyone deserves to know they're amazing.

Let me bend time and space so I can make sure people know.

There's so many people on my dash and so many of my friends who doubt themselves. Doubt their writing, doubt their skills, sometimes because the fics they put their hearts and souls into don't get as much love as they like — and I know, I know, "we should write for ourselves" but honestly, being ignored is somehow worse than criticism sometimes and that hurts — which means amazing writers... don't want to write, because they feel lost and ignored and sometimes hated.

🎀 Who are some people on Tumblr you feel demonstrate kindness and positivity well?

Well, you! Of course you! And so many more of my mutuals. I could go on forever about the people who have messaged me, encouraged me to write some of my craziest ideas, or just... beta-read while I panicked about a fic! If the freaking hellsite would stop breaking and let me ping people, I would. Alas, I can’t, but y’all know who you are. I love you so much and I am so so grateful for all of you.

Come join the positivity sleepover!!

[curiosityjams]

re: iz*one

first of all, i wanted to say i didn’t plan on writing something about the disbandment. the past few months have been incredibly rough on my mental state to the point where i feel as if i’ve lost all sense of self. shit has been so rough for me, their disbandment being confirmed made that even worse for me. however, i realized i need to learn how to be okay with like...being open about my own emotions in a time of uncertainty and writing them out helps me in a way even if a lot of those emotions i’d rather keep private. i’ve also been going thru a time where i’m currently reevaluating this past year and everything i’ve done/felt in the past few yrs (2.5 of those years being izone’s run), so i thought i’d write something about the disbandment and what iz*one means to me, esp during this point in my life. i’d write more about what led me to this point, but if i did, i’d end up writing a whole novel, so i’m just going to keep this as short as possible.

also if this is a jumbled mess, i’m sorry!!!!

since we’re here to talk about the inevitable, i just wanted to say that i’ve probably had a harder time accepting them being gone than i thought. i knew they were gonna disband eventually bc lol produce group, but also, knowing what happened with the voting scandal and the panasonic, it makes it even worse for me. i hate that they didn’t even bother to handle their disbandment in a way that wasn’t complete horseshit. i hate how the pandora screwed everything up. i hate how we didn’t even get a proper goodbye from the girls. i knew that this was going to happen, but i fucking hate how it all turned out. i can’t say i’m 100% happy with the ending and honestly, don’t think i’ll ever be able to fully accept that they’re no longer a group. 

that said, i’m not here to vent.

while i’m obviously upset that they’re gone, the fact that they were ever a group to begin with--i’ll forever be grateful. i avoided getting into them for the longest time because of my own trauma from being involved in the 48 fandom (smth i’ll talk about at a later time bc it’s a lot), but the moment i decided to watch their “up” performance and actually give them a chance beyond looping la vie en rose, that’s when i fell in love. i fell in love with the music. i fell in love with the visuals. i fell in love with the bond between the girls. most of all, i fell in love with the fact that during a weird transitional period in my 20s, i found a group that gave me the closure i needed in a time where it felt like the world was against me while also giving me the strength i need to move on. 

while we’re on that topic, let’s talk about kwon eunbi.

as you already know from my url, eunbi is obviously my bias. she’s the leader of the group, under the company my ult group, lovelyz, is also in, and THE absolute all-rounder. she’s extremely talented, super fucking funny, a babe of THE highest order, and the best single mom you could ever ask for. every time i watch a video of iz*one’s or look at any of their pics, i’m always in absolute awe of her. while i love all of the girls (j-line has a very special place in my heart bc of my time in 48 fandom) and do consider the entire group to be one full of bias wreckers, it’s eunbi that instantly caught my eye and the one i’m incredibly proud to call my ult.

“now, drea, why is it that you’re taking so much time with talking about how special this group and that girl are to you?” well, it’s mainly because that eunbi and i are the same age (both 95-liners, but i’m older by 2 months) that i’m so drawn to not only her, but the group as well. yeah, it’s normal to be drawn to members born in your birth year, but for me and esp in this case, it’s far more complex than it seems.

around the time i got into the group, i was (still am) going thru a quarter life crisis. i had just finished my a.a., was a few months away from turning 24, and had pretty much decided i was going to take an indefinite hiatus from twitter due to the amount of harm its done to my mental health over 10 years. i felt like shit knowing that so many people my age were living their lives, getting married, having kids, etc all that shit while i felt as if i was frozen in time and like i could never accomplish any of those things because according to society, my time was up. as a woman on the autism spectrum, i never felt like anything i did was enough and knowing that even after years of trauma, the feeling that if i don’t have my entire life sorted out by 24/25 scared the living shit out of me. knowing that a panini happened made those feelings even worse. 

i know it’s weird to like...feel so many emotions over this esp since 23-25 is young and starting your career out at that age is normal. that said, knowing how eunbi was already in a group prior to joining iz*one that ended up disbanding months after they debuted, the road she took to get to where she is now, and the fact that she’s 25/26 and will get so many chances to start over is what gives me hope after such a shit year. i can finally get to where i want to be, i’ll graduate from university, i’ll hopefully get a job that will earn me enough money to move out of my mom’s house, i’ll find love, etc who the fuck knows what’s going to happen? i hate that after years of hating myself and being afraid of getting older because people often have this mentality that you should abandon all sense of yourself once you hit your mid 20s, it’s taken me THIS long to actually start accepting myself for who i am and living my life for myself, but i’m excited to see where the fuck life takes me after years of self-hatred, trauma, and trying too hard to please ppl that don’t give a shit. seeing eunbi just have a fucking blast on stage, take care of her members, and overall be the amazing person she is gave me the strength i desperately needed to actually get to the path i want to be on as someone that’s a few years away from turning 30.

as i said earlier, i’m not ready to just outright accept iz*one being gone. i’ll probably spend the entire month of may just watching their content since there’s still a shitton of stuff i have yet to watch and i’m lowkey embarrassed that as a fan, i’m admitting this, but also: there’s no time limit. i can always watch that video at another time, i’ll like that pic later, etc. i wish iz*one was one of those things that had no time limit because i’ll always cherish them, but in the 2.5 years of their existance, i achieved some big things and survived a pandemic. i left twitter, got closure in chapters i needed closure in, finished my a.a., etc among many other things during that time and it’s partly because of iz*one that i’ve pushed myself to do all of those things. it’s hard esp since it’s easier to just write smth like this on tumblr than actually do it, but the girls and their music were part of the reason why 2020 wasn’t a complete dumpster fire for me. 

most of all, i wanted to write this because i wanted to shout-out the amazing folks at @izonetwork​. i joined super late in the game, but the convos i’ve had, the laughs we’ve had on discord/among us, etc i’ll never forget it. meeting all of you was one of THE highlights of an otherwise shitty year and i’ll always credit you as one of the reasons why i wasn’t completely emotionally distant during such a dark time. all of you keep me grounded and i’m forever grateful. super honored to call you guys my friends. <3

so yeah, thank you iz*one. thank you, eunbi, sakura, hyewon, yena, chaeyeon, chaewon, minju, nako, hitomi, yuri, yujin, and wonyoung. i don’t speak korean or japanese, but know i’m eternally grateful for all the joy, strength and bops you gave me in the past 2.5 years. i’m even more grateful for the friends i’ve met thru my own fandom of the group. i’m excited to see what every single one of you does next regardless of what it may be. 

now if you’ll excuse me, i have to go catch up on all the enozis i’ve missed. 

❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤

[mxndwitch]

I want to start this day and my little love project with the real MVPs of my little fandom corner, the people who are my ride or dies forever, who have been with me for YEARS in some cases and never fail to be anything other than utterly amazing

@facemypast

Bubs, you know how much I adore you, I am sure, because we’ve been going strong since 2018 I think, but I never want to miss an opportunity to tell you how wonderful you are! Our babies give me life and the world we have created for them is my favorite thing in the world. I love having you as a friend ooc and I am so proud of the hard working, smart and kind woman you have grown into in the last couple of years. Although med school makes me miss you daily, i couldn’t be more excited for you, because you’re living your dream. Keep reaching for the stars, my dearest ❤

@shieldedsouls

My other die hard love! You and Britt have been by my side since my reboot and I couldn’t imagine a rpg world without you in it. You babes give me life and I utterly adore every other muse aside from Bucky you write, because they’re all amazing ( especially Maria, the hermit xD ). You’re one of the kindest & most loyal people this hellsite has thrown at me and I couldn’t imagine my dash and my life without you in it. Thank you for being my friend ic and oc.

@loyaltyworn / @undauntic

Dixon, you wonderful & talented bean! Man, I remember very vividly how excited I was, when we started roleplaying on Carol, because you’re so effing talented and I loved her so much. And look at us now! Bucky is the light of Wanda’s life and I will forever stalk you on any blog you make, even the characters I don’t know, because it’s you and you’re stuck with me forever. Thank you for always having my back and being the most loyal friend one could have on this hellsite!

@outlawiism​

LUCY! Holy guacamole, what can I say? You are by far the kindest, most genuinely supportive person I have ever met on Tumblr. Your presence is a ray of pure sunshine on my dash every day and you never fail to reach out & support others, when you see they need it most. Not to mention that your Peter is flawless and the love you feel for him is absolutely infectious. I am so happy we have become such good friends with time and I’m never giving you back!

@danversiism​

I’m so grateful that Lucy and you are a package deal, because that made it possible for me to become friends with you as well, over how much we love Wessa. We have the worst book club ever, because it takes us ages to read :D but I still adore our talks about things we are passionate about. Not to mention that your Carol is the only one for me and I live for the friendships our characters have crafted for themselves. Daisy & Carol are the sass squad I never knew I needed in my life :D love you to pieces!

@soulstcne​

SHAUNA! My pure, kind hearted, chaotic butterfly! What can I say, other than that I love you 3000 and that will never change? I constantly forget Aisling isn’t actually canon in the MCU, because she fits so perfectly with us that it’s hard to remember she is an OC. Wanda’s best friend is the most adorable infinity stone anyone could have hoped for! I adore your passion about plots, your adhd brain that comes up with 20 ideas a day, your love and passion for Ais & the fact that you love angst just as much as me. You’re also the cutest person ever ooc and i can’t wait to talk to you on the phone again, even when you’re a confuzzled mess and hold up your laptop for half an hour :D I adore you!

@natshana​

Bubs! You’re one of my absolute oldest friends on Dumblr, bc you even come from ‘the world before’, aka the fandom that shall not be named, which I left because it was even more toxic than the MCU xD. You know that our babes give me life and I couldn’t ever imagine a better mama for Ella than Luna. But as much as I cherish all the ic interactions we have, I love our ooc friendship even more. The sleepless nights we have spent together, movie nights & rants - I am so grateful to have you as a friend for what? over 4-5 years now? Guess you’re not getting rid of me ever again.

@somewherebetweenrage​

My home office buddy! I remember when I first followed you over on River and had absolutely no clue about her at all, but I liked your kindness right away. And look at us now! We became fast friends ooc and I adore the worlds we have created for our characters. Laga and Erik are the ship I never knew I needed, until we started writing them and oof, they own my whole heart now. Can’t imagine my day without chatting to you now and although you haven’t been in my life for as long as some others on this list, you make up for it by being an utter delight!

@gcroinya​

The one true Nat to all my charas! I remember when we first started writing and I was in AWE at how talented you are and guess what, nothing has changed since then! Your writing is just so flawless, I have no idea why you even put up with me, but I love you so much for it haha. Ella and Nat are my favorite thing ever and I am the happiest person ever that you have returned from your hiatus, because my life was missing a bright light without you in it. 

@hebled​

Ah, my babe. You have no idea how incredibly happy it makes me that you have come back to tumblr and still love our babies as much as I do, because I missed you every day you were gone. Beck and Wanda own my whole heart and I am so grateful to have you as a friend ( and pen pal! ) outside of this hellsite as well. You’ll always be the better barista of the two of us :D but I’ll still love you forever!

[moonlight-breeze-44]

Em’s Year in Review

Hey, guys! It’s been a long time since my last personal post on here, but as it’s officially 2021 (thank God), I wanted to do the cheesy Year in Review thing and give thanks to the friends I’ve made, the communities I’ve joined, and the things that have changed me beyond words this year that I want to share with you all. 

To start, perhaps the biggest and best change of the year was when I joined the Shadowhunters fandom. Not to mention the friends I’ve made along the way and the support I’ve received and the amazing community I found my home in, Shadowhunters managed to rejuvenate my love for this site and fandom in general. Shadowhunters transformed this blog from an occasional place that I would visit to kill time into a means of expression that I am extremely proud of. Shadowhunters transformed my AO3 from a practically extinct account with three fics posted to an up-and-running, 80-fics-and-still-going-strong profile that is, truly, one of my biggest accomplishments. 

Shadowhunters also led to several friendships that I know I will cherish for the rest of my life. I would like to take this time to give thanks to some of them, and I apologise deeply if you deserve to be on this list and you aren’t; I know there are probably some people that I’m forgetting. You’re all important to me, and you’re all a part of the reason I am writing this right now. 

To start off, @arialerendeair has been an incredible source of support, friendship, and love for me throughout my journey into the Shadowhunters fandom, and she means more to me than words can say. She is a forever friend, a wonderful person, the best kind of enthusiastic and encouraging, and she is one of the most amazing people I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. 

Before I joined the @malecdiscordserver and met a myriad of people that I gladly call my friends, I existed in the Shadowhunters fandom solely on Tumblr, and I would like to give thanks to my very first Shadowhunters fandom friend, @lightwormsiblings, for making me feel at home here and generally being an amazing person. 

@sugarandspace is a wonderful author and an even better person, and my friendship with her has led to many amazing fics, conversations, and sweet words. Her mental health fics and her response to mine are what inspired me to really start writing for this fandom, and as I’m sure you can imagine, that is something that I am very grateful for. <3

I would also like to give a shout-out to my fluffy counterpart, @bidnezz, who created the Fluff vs. Angst Battle 2020 with me, an AO3 collection that has made me smile countless times. Likewise, @aceon-ice deserves a shout-out, as well, for being an amazing person and supporting me despite my angsty tendencies. 

I have @eternallysilvermagnusandalec and @emma-arthur to thank for my love of Autistic Alec, and I want to give them the biggest of virtual hugs for screaming with me, bouncing headcanons with me, and generally being my biggest Autistic Alec supporters. They are wonderful friends, and I’m so lucky to have them both in my life. 

As for friends that aren’t actively on Tumblr, I would like to give thanks to Val, one of my favourite sprinting buddies and an amazing friend, Hannah, my favourite dinosaur-obsessed Among Us murderer and the source of endless support, and Evi, my recently-found friend, writing support extraordinaire, and fellow Team Angst comrade. 

I am extremely grateful for every single friend I’ve made in the Shadowhunters fandom, and every person who helped me feel at home in this community and showed me that this is a place where I can belong. You are all amazing, and I wish I had the words to express my gratitude for you. 

Another thing that the Shadowhunters fandom brought me was a means of self-expression, through a character like no other I’ve ever encountered before. Alec Lightwood and his place in Shadowhunters has brought me endless joy, validation, and hope for the future. Alec Lightwood is a character that I love dearly and relate to strongly, and his happy-ever-after as a gay man in love with a bisexual warlock truly lifted me up when I needed it. His character helped me to start writing things that I love, things that I enjoy, and things that benefit me to put on paper. For that, I am forever grateful. 

This year has brought a lot of changes to my life, but I can say without a shadow of a doubt that Shadowhunters & the friends it’s made me are by far my favourites. 

Other than Shadowhunters, there are a few other things that have shaped my year in large ways that I would like to give mention to. 

To start things off, as most of you know, I’ve been a fan of Supernatural since before I even knew fandom was a thing - hell, before fandom really was a thing. Supernatural and the SPN family and the AKF campaign got me through some of my toughest times, and I will always be grateful to that show for giving me everything that it did. 

Despite the discourse and despite everything that took over Tumblr with the finale and Cas’s confession, I am so happy that I made it to see that finale. It gives me a lot of joy to know that I’ve been here for fifteen seasons of a show that changed my life, and everything that comes in between. I love Sam and Dean and Castiel and all of the other characters that captured my heart in Supernatural, and I’m so grateful that I got to be a part of a family like this one. My experience in and with the Supernatural fandom will always be important and special to me, and I want to thank my first ever fandom friend (you know who you are), who encouraged me to post my first ever fanfiction back when I was younger and taught me what it means to be a part of a fandom community. She is the reason I’m fandom-ing it up today, and I’ll forever be grateful to her for that.

I’ve already mentioned them once before, but I want to give another shout-out to @eternallysilvermagnusandalec, @emma-arthur, and @arialerendeair for being truly amazing, wonderful people when it comes to a certain aspect of my identity that I’ve just started becoming okay with. 

For any of you who may not know: I am autistic. ...damn, that felt good to say. At this time last year, I was still very much “in the closet” about having autism and I was masking so much that I panicked at the slightest hint that I was “different”. I did not like who I was, and I had been conditioned to believe that I had to hide my differences if I wanted to have any chance of being accepted by others. 

These three made me see that that isn’t the case. 

Constantly being told “Quiet hands!” and to just look at somebody when I was talking to them and that it was irrational & dumb to be too overwhelmed to speak took its toll, but the Shadowhunters fandom and Silver, Emma, and Aria helped me realise that my hands can be as loud as they need to be, it’s okay if I stare at the wall while I talk to someone, and sometimes not being able to speak is just the way the cookie crumbles. Their acceptance of me and their incredible support has helped me become so much more comfortable with myself, to the point where I’m unmasking when I’m alone and letting myself stim without fear of repercussions or the feeling that I’m doing something wrong. They are the best kind of people, wonderful friends, and truly incredible. 

It is largely thanks to them that I am even fighting this ongoing battle against my own internalized ableism, and it’s important to me that all three of them know that. <3

For more information on autistic masking and what it looks like and why some of us do it, I recommend checking out this video, made by an autistic creator! 

If you’d like to know the true, harsh meaning of “Quiet Hands”, I recommend checking out this post, which explains the phrase & its connotations better than I ever could. 

Thank you to everyone who has read this far, and I hope you all have a wonderful 2021! This year was hard, but we survived. There have been times when I wanted to give up, and there have been times when you wanted to give up, I’m sure. But we are both still here, and that counts for something. That counts for a lot, actually. It’s everything. I did it. You did it. We did it. That’s something to be proud of.

Going into 2021, I hope that everyone will be kind, do their best to be understanding of other people’s differences, and treat others with the amount of respect they deserve. 

I love you all, and thank you for making this year, despite all of its challenges, one that I will remember and cherish for the rest of my life. 

[usertaylorswift]

Who are your favourite mutuals? What are their names and explain them in a few words.

ooff this is gonna take awhile. but here are some of the mutuals i’ve known for years and friends with them outside tumblr AND also my other fave mutuals i’ve admired: 

old mutuals

hugallurfriends aka mariana

literally the best human being i’ve ever met in my entire life and i’m forever grateful that i can be friends with her!! i appreciate our friendship a lot (even we don’t talk a lot in recent couple years), but she still has a place in my heart. OH AND I LOVE ALL YOUR EDITS!!

everythinghaschanged aka kree

I LOVE HER LIKE A SISTER AND I MISS HER SO FRICKIN MUCH THESE DAYS!! i truly adore her with all my heart and i love our friendship too!! she’s so amazing and i wish i can meet her irl since we’re a bit close. ugh i love her so much!!

timcgraws aka denise

okay, still talk to her until now and truly love everything that we have. i cherish every single thing even her love and her friendship and also the greatest human being of all

 romanoft aka aurelia

another person where i am grateful for what we have. we rarely talk these days but still love her with all my heart

taylorswiftz aka aurélie

one of my oldest mutuals and i love her dearly. i love her art and her makeup looks, srsly amazing af!!

other mutuals

@lovestory @bettygarden @tswift / @buffysummers @tayloralison @afterglowings @cellphonehippie @seegoldendaylight @emmaduerrewatson @tayloswift @selenaigomez @alltoowsll @felicitysmoak @annehathaways @likedaylight @chalamets @loverdeluxe @purpleswift @ledger-heath @newromantics @jakeperalta @thecalmlover @jaylor  @ts6track8 @staylorswift @tayorswift @t-swift

i love all those bitches with all my heart and i love seeing them on my dash and i wish these amazing people have a wonderful day <3

[exosmutxoxo]

Please Read ~ 🌻💗

Hello my loves! This is going to be quite a lengthy post, so please bear with me.

I want to start off by saying that I’m close to finishing my novel, and I plan to get it published soon! It has always been my dream to see my writings in the form of an actual book, on the shelves of bookstores, and to see people reading them.

During this period, I’ve finally gotten the time to sit down and properly finish up my novel - a story which has been sitting in my drafts for 2+ years. And although I still have a longggg way to go and that nothing is concrete for now, this is a game plan which I feel I’m halfway through ☺️

I still have endless loose ends to tie up, but I know these things take time and in the next coming months, I’ll be (hopefully) pushing my written work out into the publishing world.

I’m terrified and excited all at once. The road to getting published is not an easy one. But I’m willing to try. And for that, I have to thank Tumblr for being such a safe space for me to explore myself as a writer.

I have had this humble little blog for 3 years. Over these 3 years, I have written about different genres and topics (smut, action, dystopian, mental illnesses, superpowers, abuse, etc.), and I’m forever thankful for everyone who has read my works and supported me through thick and thin.

Tumblr has allowed me to explore my strengths and weaknesses as a writer. It has allowed me to move out of my comfort zone and tackle topics I never thought I would.

And it is a platform where I’ve met countless of people whom have supported and cared for me. People who mean the world to me. And people who love me both as a person and a writer.

My journey as a budding writer was far from smooth, but the friends I’ve made along the way have made it priceless, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything in the world.

Namely:

@nunchiwrites - Nunchi was the very first friend I made on Tumblr when I first started out. We’ve fangirled together, collaborated when it came to writing, read and supported each other’s works, and basically made amazing memories together. She’s a friend I will forever cherish ❤️ I love you Nunchi, thank you for always hyping me up on Instagram 😚💖

@loser-dot-com - Babe, you were one of my pioneer supporters and mutual, and I can’t believe how far we’ve come 🤩 I still remember you using the nickname ��School Anon” whenever you dropped me an ask HAHAHA i miss those times 🤣 Thank you for always supporting me and my works (and for sharing Chanyeol with me HOHOHO 🤪)

@findingmyelysium - SONIA MY LOVE. You’ve already read the first 2 chapters of my novel, which I (HOPEFULLY) plan to get published. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for taking the time to read my garbage 🤣 it means the world to me. And thank you a million times for always being by my side, for loving me since my Dangerous Woman era 👀 I love you to the moon and beyond, and I hope “Bonnie & Clyde” has been exciting to you so far! (despite its many flaws and chaotic characters LMAO) 💗 I’m so thankful to have met you through Tumblr, and I really hope to meet you someday 🥺❤️ (also, your writing skills are AMAZING and i can’t wait to read more of your works!!) P.S. You are a badass babe, so much more than Kwon Syona will ever be 🤪💗

@pastel-kpop - My angel!!! Thank you for being such a pure, golden soul. You’re always there to check up on me, to encourage me, to cheer me up. I miss you so much, and I have so much love for you 🥺💕 I hope life is treating you well, you deserve all the goodness in the world! And also, thank you so much for supporting me in everything I do, and for always pushing me to do my best 💖😚

@isearchedtheyooniverse MAULI, MY HOE BUDDY 💖 IT’S BEEN SO LONG SINCE WE LAST SPOKE GAAAHH i miss you tons!!! Thank you for being a hoe with me and fangirling with me over our 1 million and one k-pop husbands 🤪🤪 and thank you for showing so much love for my writing, and for always encouraging me to do my best 💕🤗 I hope you’re well! 😘

@kpopangelxo - HIIII MY LOVE 💕💕 I still remember the days when we would chat endlessly, and you would supply me with endless ideas for The Chosen One! You even took the time to create a moodboard for one of its chapters, and I still hold it close to my heart till this very day 🥺❤️ I miss you and your humour every single day, I hope life has been going well for you! Thank you from the bottom of my heart for hyping up my stories, for fangirling with me, for never failing to put a smile on my face 💖💖 Your endless support has given me so much confidence over the years, and I’m utterly grateful for that. And for you! 💖

@byunfirstlady​ - YOU ARE SO ARTISTIC AND TALENTED, I SWEAR. Your gorgeous moodboards give me so much life and inspiration for my own works! I still remember when we collaborated together for one of my smuts, and as always, your moodboard was BEAUTIFUL ❤️ You are a truly talented and beautiful soul. You’ve always provided me with so much encouragement and support and feedback over the years, and I appreciate it so much ❤️ Also, I miss chatting with you 🥺 let’s catch up soon, okie! xoxo

@skjdln​ - HIIII LOVE! Thanks for all your support throughout the years! You’ve never failed to leave constructive feedback on my works, and it has really helped me to improve as a writer! Your feedback means the world to me. Also, you’re really really sweet and easy to talk to! 💕💕 I hope to get to know you better, thank you for being such a wonderful mutual 💕

A HUGE thank you to all my mutuals and followers who have supported and loved me and my works. You have no idea how much it means to me. Without all of you, I wouldn’t have the confidence to write an entire novel. So, thank you endlessly from the bottom of my heart. 

On another note, I know horrible things have been happening around the world. The COVID-19 situation is one of them, and I know it has been taking quite a toll on many of us. It has affected us in our own ways (mental health, emotional well-being, physical well-being, etc.). Whatever the case is, please remember that I’m always here to lend a listening ear and offer a virtual hug if needed!

You are not alone. I’m here for you. I’m always one message away. ❤️

To end off this long post, I would like to say thank you once again. To Tumblr, to my mutuals, to my followers. My heart is with every single one of you. ❤️ Please stay safe and take care of yourselves! xoxo

[hollyarmstrong]

Just Another Swiftie Story, est. 2003

Point Pleasant Beach, July 23, 2003

If you’re here, you’ve probably read the story of how I met Taylor. Thank you for reading that! For those who haven’t, I’m including the original photos below. I’m trying to personally thank each of you who shared and left sweet comments for me to read. You’ll never know how thoroughly you warm my heart. Your comments make me smile and occasionally bring out a big, satisfying belly laugh. So thank you, thank you, thank you. I’m so in awe of the force and overwhelming love in this underground Swiftie family.

It may sound crazy, but sharing my photo and my story has always been drenched in vulnerability. Meeting Taylor, for me, was like meeting a friend when I needed one the most. Our actual encounter didn’t last more than five minutes - quick exchanges, excited cheesy grins, and a signed CD. I walked away, wishing she went to my school. However, the story that no one knows, the story that makes all of this a little delicate, is what bonded me to her music for life. A couple of months after meeting her, after starting 7th grade (I think I may have mentioned 6th grade in a comment somewhere - I’m sorry! 🤦🏻‍♀️ That was a typo!), my stepfather started molesting me. 

I used her songs as an escape at first, letting the joy of Lucky You and the longing of Smokey Black Nights ground me. My bathroom door didn’t lock when I was a kid, and that was terrifying. But singing her songs in the shower made me feel strong, made me feel like, as long as I was singing, I was safe. In those moments, those melodies went from being an escape to being a shield. And just like that, her music, her lyrics, and her voice imprinted on my soul. After that, every song that came out was another piece of armor. Her demo CD, for three years, was either in my portable CD player or my boombox. It’s worn, and I’m honestly amazed it still plays. I have diary entries dated back to that time, addressed directly to her. Like an old confidant, she was the only one who knew the dark and twisty of my life and was able to pull me through the deepest of quicksand. It made the secrets I carried a little more bearable.

My story is not unique. Among other things, my parent’s messy divorce led to lots of turbulence (and lots of therapy!). But, all things considered, I had a good childhood. It was filled with joy, challenges, and sadness. I never wanted for anything. Many people have it much, much worse. The only reason I tell you this story is to explain why I’m so terribly grateful for all of the love you’re so freely giving and why I never publicly shared my photo, my memory, before now. 

I’m envious of those who scream her lyrics at concerts, because I usually turn inward. Letting that much emotion loose is a little frightening. I wear a toothy grin, sway, and get caught up in the energy. Up to this point, my relationship with Taylor was a precious secret, something steeped in so much history and yet still so raw. I kept my Swifite-ness offline and chose to collect unreleased songs, magazines, calendars, books, and Christmas ornaments instead. I wanted to hear HER voice - not what others had to say about her. All else was just noise and speculation. Needless to say, some jokes went WAY over my head LOL (Karyn, Becky, 123LGB, etc.).

I’m utterly flattered by the awe you all have regarding my devotion to Taylor. But you know what? I can’t take credit for that. It wasn’t a conscious choice. I am forever bonded to her voice, her lyrics, and her heart. No matter what era, no matter what rhythm or beat or instrument, I will always be here to listen, to support, to escape, and find comfort. Everything else falls away when I add another piece of her musical diary to my suit of armor, to my life’s soundtrack. There are always new wounds, new scars, but I find solace in knowing Taylor’s music is there, every step of the way. She has helped me wear my imperfections with pride.

To the amazingly selfless Swifties who are sharing my story and supporting me in this moment, please know how deeply appreciative I am of the acceptance, validation, and healing you’re providing. So, so much love and hugs to all of you. 

And lastly, to T, I hope this makes it to you. Secret Sessions and Glow-Ups aside, my only wish is that you know how grateful I am for your tireless effort, your sacrifices, and the careful metaphors that shaped my life. You helped me to be fearless. Keep being a badass. @taylorswift

XO, the OG mother of swifties ❤️ 😉 😘

P.S. Thank you to Erica (@evswiftie) for sending me no less than 5 self-recorded videos on how to navigate and post on Tumblr hahaha. You’re awesoME!!!

[jayshq]

So, if you look at my followers I actually have 1,183, but that’s because this hasn’t always been Poe. I started this blog way back on Nov. 8, 2014 as Dean Winchester. It has gone through AT LEAST ten characters since then. So, a lot of these followers are dead accounts or abandoned accounts. However, when I started up Poe on here I made note that I had 1,083 followers. So, this is for the 100 of you that came here for my baby.

So, let’s get the follow forever out of the way. Let me start off by saying I’m going to forget people, I’m human. Also, I don't do very big follow forevers whenever I do them because I firmly believe in only having people who have had a very strong impact on me or Poe should be present on the list. That said, if you’re not on this list you are still very loved.

special mention of @bondforce for making this happen, thanks for being my 100th follower, lol.

REYS:

@dawnsabered : so, despite us not having any threads you’re first on this list because you re-sparked my love of the sequels and made me want to hop into this fandom again. Rping with you on Steve made me just adore the fandom more and more and made me want to bring back Poe. I’m eternally grateful to you for that. I have found such an amazing and welcoming home in this community and I wouldn’t have it without you, I love you loads, thanks a bunch.

@jedirisen : okay, so we met pretty early in and thank god we did. i adore your Rey, but more than anything you’ve been such an incredible friend. You’re always down to plot and create and just talk. You put up with my constant recommendations and are just one of the sweetest humans I’ve ever met. I’m super pumped that we found each other and I hope we have many great years of friendship ahead of us.

@fxrcefound​ : you’re a babe, you know that? Like, just such a good bean! Thank you for putting up with all my bullshit and being so fucking welcoming. I showed up in the fandom and within the first week we had multiple threads. I adore you, as does my Ben. Love’s his princess wife so much, tbh. But, no honestly I’m so glad I’ve found a friend in you. A gem, truly.

@scavenger-warrior : Ahhhh! Hi, I love you. So, first of all let me just say that our beautiful time leap verse (that all of our followers are currently being deprived of bc discord is so much better lol) is one of my all time favourite verses I’ve EVER done. It makes me so immensely happy and Ben is just in love.

@choosenskywalker : I’m TRASH! I’m so excited for the verses we have started, I’m just awful at replying. But, I really am so excited and I adore your writing, you’re very talented. You’re also super sweet and have the patience of a god. Thank you for being lovely, and I swear I’ll get better because I’m so excited to see where these things go.

@aequusjedi & @killingpast​  : you guys get a joint one because i love our poly babies despite me being a lazy bitch and not writing much with them yet. Nah, can I just say how excited I was when you joined our group Cas. I’m so excited to see how this develops and watch our babies fall in love. Aside from that though, both of you have been just lovely people OOC. I’m so lucky to have such wonderful partners like yourselves.

BENS:

@sithroyal : hey there! We also met in my early days here, and you’ve been such a joy to write with, no matter what character it’s on. You’re portrayal is one of pure perfection. I love writing with you and any reply always makes me so excited. On top of that you’ve been so kind and inviting and it really meant a lot since I was HELLA INTIMIDATED by you when I first got here.

@endheir : LOOK EVERYONE, IT’S J.J. ABRAMS EVIL TWIN, come to fix all the shit J.J. broke. No, seriously I am so impressed and will never not be intimidated by how amazing you and your writing is! THIS IS THE BEN SOLO WE DESERVED! But, you’re such a peach and so nice and I adore plotting with you. Thanks for being the bomb dot com.

@dyadalone : WE ARE CRACK ROYALTY, thank you very much. No, really though I love when we (and our friends) get up to our shenanigans. But, aside from that Poe is also just IN LOVE! And, I adore you OOC. Such a kind and loving person, you da best! I am so happy we found each other through this hellsite and can’t wait to see what nonsense our future brings.

@brokendyad : HELLO I LOVE YOU! You’re such a solid friend and such a talented writer. I’m so happy we get to have so much fun writing and plotting. You’re an absolute dear and I’ll never get over how lucky I am to have such amazing friends. Thanks for being great and I hope we stay close forever.

@lghtpulled : okay, so i can’t explain my infinite love for you. I can’t. All my characters over here being obsessed over your Ben. I’ve told you how much I adore your Ben, but I can’t say it enough. Also, our high school verse GIVES ME LIFE! But, nah you’re just so talented and SO KIND! I’m so glad that despite being SO FUCKING INTIMIDATED by you we managed to form this amazing friendship. I’m keeping you.

THE FAM:

@kesdameronn : SCARF DAD! No, lol I love that Poe’s dad is around. We haven’t done much yet but we have all the time in the world for the Dameron bros to get up to shit together. Also, Zep you are such a kind and cute soul and I just love ya!

@lieutenantxbey : Mama Dameron, how could we not love? Poe loves his mama so much and lowkey wants to be just like her. I love seeing Shara on the dash. And the few times we’ve spoken you’ve been just a ray of light, so keep being awesome.

@legacybeyne : this little shit! No, I’m kidding, Poe loves his cousin. Like wants to throw him out an airlock sometimes, but loves him. I adore this character so much and I’m so happy Poe has more family around. Also, OOC you seem like a super cool person, so definitely don’t stop that.

LUKE:

@jedishope​ : SHANE! I don’t know if I could tell you how much I actually adore you? Like, I don’t think I could. And, I low-key don’t want to because it would deffo scare you off, lol. But, no you’re just an absolute ray of sunshine and such a beautiful person. A person only has to talk to you for a second to see how just full or love and kindness you are. You bring so much joy to my dash and I’m forever thankful for it! Not to mention your Luke is hands down the best Luke I’ve ever seen. Absolutely perfect! I was so scared to approach you at first because you were just so fucking talented and obviously still are! I love your Luke with my whole heart and so does Poe.

HUX:

@muddledbloodlines : I am so excited for the verse we’ve created for our lonely babies and can’t wait to see where it goes. You have such an interesting take on this character and I love it! I’m so excited to get to know you better and really explore this. I’m honestly just in love with your writing and imagination.

OCS:

 @congeriemgriseo : so it won’t tag you, which is RUDE! But, anyway: I adore Any. Such an incredibly well thought out and beautiful OC. I’m quite picky when it comes to OCs, despite having one of my own. But, I was enraptured from the moment I read her bio, and you have not disappointed! She’s such a beautiful little chaos machine and I love her.

@orderengineer : okay, so I actually usually despise OCs that are really kind. Because as much as Mary Sue characters are fine to write, I personally can’t write opposite them. However, that’s not what Syla is! She’s so much more complex than that and I adore her. Both Ben and Orion find her insanely interesting and think she’s super fucking talented. I love this character you've created. It’s also just insane to see my characters name on the dash lol. You’re also such a sweetheart OOC and it always makes my day.

@petitehux : so for anyone who doesn’t know? I LOVE Kat. Like, I am obsessed, I have 100s of photos of her saved on my phone. I am just in love. Her and Dove Cameron are my two ultimate celebrity crushes. Which was the original reason I decided to check out your blog, and I’m so fucking happy I did. Ryann is so fucking cool and I think she brings such an interesting dynamic to the whole trilogy story. I can’t wait for myself to stop being lazy and get some bomb shit going with this incredible OC.

I’M A STALKER (also we need to rp!):

@hopedyad : I love seeing you on my dash and I adore keeping up with your posts. You’re a super talented writer and I hope in the future I stop being a shy bean and we can actually do cool things lol. You seem super sweet and like you’ve got a wicked sense of humor OOC too.

@tornbetweenthestorm : So, I LOVE FN! It’s so great to see such an interesting OC. I adore the work and thought you’ve put into this character and his struggles. Anytime I stop to read one of your replies to a partner I’m just overcome by your brilliance. I’m so happy I stumbled across your blog (thank you tumblr recs) and have been lucky enough to be mutuals with you.

@iamthecrder : well hello there. So, yeah I think your Hux is super cool and right on the money. It’s so interesting to see a different version of him and I honestly think you’re so incredibly talented! Keep being awesome, my good dude.

OTHER:

@mangohub : Monroe. My love, what can I say? You’ve followed me from my original Alec all the way to here. Despite not being a Star Wars fan you still follow me on multiple of your blogs. I will always love you. I will also never stop being astounded by your talent and world building capabilities. In case there was any confusion, YOU ARE  MY FAVOURITE PERSON ON TUMBLR. Also, you are the most talented person I’ve ever followed. I will never stop being so happy to see you, no matter the blog, on my dash. On top of being the most talented writer I know, you also happen to be the sweetest human on the planet. You have so much love in your heart and you pour into your friends like it’s going out of style. I’m so so lucky to have you and I love you, okay?

Obviously I don't talk to you lads enough, but a special shoutout to @poewingsdameron, @lightskipped, , @flyjacket, @sprklit & @vuuelo for playing this amazing bean alongside me. 

Okay, now onto the giveaway. So, friendly reminder that I make all my own stuff, so if you want examples of my work just check out across my blogs. That being said, when it comes to graphics, icons, etc I’m not very talented with creating stuff myself, so I use other peoples free templates, borders, psds and so on. I think I’m decently talented at putting them together, though. Also, having me do it just saves you a stupid amount of time lol.

Simply enter by liking AND/OR reblogging, the winners will be chosen using a random number generator. I will contact each of you via IM (or discord if we have each other) to discuss getting to work on the prizes. The only real rule is DO NOT SPAM YOUR FOLLOWERS. I’m not gonna put a limit on how many times you can reblog, but be fucking courteous to your followers, okay? This giveaway ends on APRIL 10th at NOON GMT-6.

1st PLACE: 200 icons of the character of your choosing, a promo & a dash icon.

2nd PLACE:  100 icons of the character of your choosing & a dash icon.

3rd PLACE:  100 icons of the character of your choosing.

[paintmearainbow]

What Is Love ?

Love.

Love means different things to different people. Some people say love is making your partner happy and seeing them happy makes you happy . But love, is actually a figment of our imaginations. In a way, love is selfish and makes us lose our independence. You make the other person happy to keep yourself happy, and you become dependent and vulnerable. It's a somewhat like a shared dream. And until one person decides to wakeup, and that dream, albeit fun while it lasted, becomes a living nightmare

1 YEAR AGO

For Harry and y/n; sneaking out of premiers and award shows,buying tacos and eating them at 3 AM was love. For them, love was dancing in the kitchen to Elvis and baking with each other. Love was watching horror movies in makeshift tents, snacking on caramel popcorns and cans of soda; all while making fun of Harry's "those dumb bitches" in the movie. Love was falling asleep in each others arms and reading each other books. It was dressing up as Disney characters and acting out scenes from their favourite animations. It was etheral, perfect. Almost too perfect too be true

People always said "Love will fizzle out. One of you will get bored." Harry and y/n didn't listen. They burned so fast, so bright and didn't realise that their spark too, like all blazed and sparks from lighted matches, had extinguished. One second it was burning so brightly, and the next, it was gone

..............................................................................................

"When was the last time you spoke to him ?" asked y/n's sister.

" A week ago" a distraught y/n replied. "He barely has time to even talk to me on the phone, let alone show me the sights and explore the places with him via facetime"

For a brief moment, she allowed herself to close her eyes and all the memories flashed through her eyes, like a movie roll, playing over and over agai

FLASHBACK

"Y/N !" exclaimed Harry, the golden flecks in his eyes dancing with joy. Oh how she longed to see him, feel him and be with him in real life , rather than on a screen. Yet she was eternally grateful for Harry for never making her feel left out from the tour experience, he always made sure to show her around, even if it was only on a screen, while giving tour guide commentary in a horribly fake American accent.

"You're in for a treat ! We're going to see the Louvre today. Come on an enjoy the sited with Harry's Tour Experiences"

Y/n couldn't stop laughing.

Being an art fanatic, she giving Harry detailed descriptions of the art, while all he did was turn it inti a joke. His put on accent stood out when he kept saying " Oh shucks ! Here's another painting of a few women and men fighting and eating." He termed an entire style of art; renaissance art as "men and women barely dressed fighting and eating". He made a few sly comments on how y/n would look lovely in that dress. It was so wonderful and each of these virtual trips was marked with his signature end. Going to a park, and eating the same food.

His laughter was contagious and y/n loved it. She wondered how she got so lucky, so blessed to have hazza in her life.

She never thought that this love, would eventually fizzle.

end of flashback

Now she was lucky if he spoke to her for 5 minutes. Even those 5 minutes were filled with her talking and him showing least interest in what she had to say. She doubted whether he even listened.

Today, however was a low blow. It was y/n' bday. had it been any other year. Harry would've made this day perfect. They had been together since they were 18. The first year, he bought her 18 gifts on her birthday. The subsequent year, he got her 19 and so on. He would make her breakfast in bed and wake her up with showers of kisses and a "Good Morning, Happy Birthday Darling."

Today however, at 7 PM , she was yet to have him acknowledge that it was her birthday. She was yet to have any sign of news from him at all. She illusioned herself, thinking that maybe he had interviews to attend.

Her sister, however, tired with y/n's moping, said" You're coming over with your friends to Club 22 this night or else I wont speak to you. I don't want you to spend your birthday moping around"

With great difficulty, y/n was persuaded by her friends to go clubbing. The loud music, the drinks and the dim lights were never y/n's scene. Yet, for the sake of her friends, she fixed up a smile on her face and tried to enjoy, trying her best to forget than Harry's call still hadn't come.

.......

It was 10 PM and the party was in full swing. y/n's friends were drunk, so drunk. Everyone around her was laughing, drinking and joking. Meanwhile, a new disturbing thought had settled in y/n's head. What if he got into and accident ? What if he's really sick ? She was ridden with anxiety and couldn't get Harry off her mind, until that one fateful message from Nezza, her best friend, Harry's PA, through whom they had met, sent her that message. When y/n's phone lit up and she scarmbled to see the text, hoping it was Harry, she did not know it would change her life permanently.

The text was simple. "I'm so so sorry honey; you deserve to know" It was attached with a single file of pictures.

She subconciously knew what had happened. She had seen all the signs, yet chose to ignore them, not wanting to get up from her dream. The reduced duration of phone calls ultimately leading up to a call a month, the regular excuses, coming home late, half hearted kisses, they all added up. For a split second, y/n wanted to think that it was something else; maybe harry was too drunk or had passed out in a bar.

The message to forever to download. It was so slow and painfully excruciating. It was like the calm before the storm. The slow before the fast. The light drizzle before the thunderstorm. When the picture finally loaded; her heart shattered ever so fast. The pain she felt was numbing, yet somewhere in her mind, she was gald that Harry was safe.

There was Harry, his arm around the small waist of the redhead, his fingers entwined in hers. The same fingers which ran through y/n's hair multiple times, were now woven in another's hand. She thought her heart couldnt break more.

Fate was not kind to y/n.

She swiped to see the next picture, and she wasn't sure how, or whether it was even possible, but her heart further broke. Harry was kissing her in the booth, their booth, in Alessandro's the place he had her first date with y/n.

Fate had evil plans for y/n.

Tears streaming down her face, the makeup for the night ruined, y/n looked around for her sister and friends but they were nowhere to be seen. The only thing glowing right now was her glitzy dress, the one she had been forced into. Unable to take it anymore, she ordered an uber and left.

Fate wasn't kind to y/n at all

The minute she left the club, she was blinded with lights, the flashes from the camera, and the shouts from the reporters

" How do you feel about Harry cheating on you on tour ?"

"Did you expect this ? How do you react to Harry kissing a supermodel, younger than you!"

Y/n wanted to scream, but keeping her emotions in she pushed through the sea of people, got into her uber, gave her address and broke down.

She cried and cried. The uber driver tried to ask her what was wrong but she couldn't stop crying. she wanted the pain to go away. she wanted to cry. But most of all, she wanted Harry to tell her that it wasn't true and hold her in his arms and tell her it's alright.

But it wasn't. it wasn't alright. Far from it.

The next morning after an extremly broken sleep, y/n awoke. All the event's from last night wre remembered and her eyes started to water again. She switched on her phone to see the hashtag #y/ndeservesbetter and #harryandy/nareover trending. She also so 100 missed calls, voicemails and texts from Harry but chose to ignore them.

Y/n was raised to be strong. She spent most of childhood see her mom struggle to make meets end. She had seen the worst. She was strong. She went over to the mirror and saw her reflection and realised that she looked a mess. She took 3 deep breaths, washed her face, and masked her emotions, just as she did way back in high school, before she met Harry, before he changed her.

She went down and suddenly the apartment door opened. There stood the man who she loved, the man who had broken her heart, the one who still held her heart, no matter how broken it was.

He pleaded with her to forgive him. He begged, cried, said it was a one time mistake, and he regretted it, that he loved her; but y/n turned a deaf ear to his pleas. Their love had fizzled out, and she was blinded by affection not to realise it earlier. And as the saying goes " Once a cheater, always a cheater." Y/n wasn't taking any more risks. She put on a strong facade, made up her mind and left, leaving a crying Harry on the porch.

She wasn't over him, far from it. She was so broken, yet showed no signs. She had calm expresssion, yet her thoughts were chaotic. But she knew what was best and she knew this was the right thing to do. She had to take the lessons from this experience and move on, just like her mother had taught her. Dreams end, no matter how amazing it is, no matter how much you want to hold on and live it, and this, her perfect dream, had also come to an end.

So, what is love ?

A dream ? A nightmare ? Soemthing too good to be true?

Maybe all it is, is an illusion. A fairytale. Or maybe it is the truth, because truth teaches us lessons and so does love. i guess it's one of those things which just has no answers.

author's note

AND THATS A WRAP. I DO NOT CONDONE CHEATING. it's something which definitely shouldnt be forgive . this the first ever imagine I've posted on my new tumblr. Please send feedback. Hope you enjoyed it. Reblog. What are your thoughts? i would love to hear them. Send requests for more imagines.

i should be studying but eh.

keep dreaming

ashu.

(here's a random B99 gif for no reason)

[lblwlw]

Hello!

First post here, but I have a long history with tumblr. Tumblr has always sort of been a place for me to escape because few of my friends ever had my URL/followed me. This time it’s a little more important.  

CW: Brief mentions of sexual occurrences with men, brief talk of depression, nothing too serious or graphic

TLDR; I’ve suppressed my gayness on accident for basically my whole life, identified as bi, married a man, realized I’m gay, am now figuring out my life.

Warning, this is a LONG post.

I have always been been fascinated with sexuality, more specifically same sex relationships. I was always interested in the idea of being in a same sex relationship but told myself, “no, that’s not me”. Eventually in middle school I played with the idea of being bisexual when I learned what that meant. I said, perfect. I can tell my internet friends I like girls, too, but I won’t have to tell anyone else and I can just worry about boys then at school and for my parents. I had a few crushes on boys, but the thought of actually dating them terrified me and so I very rarely did more than think about them a lot and just tell my friends that I was “too ugly” or whatever else, or “too awkward.” What they didn’t know was that through MySpace I met a girl and had a huge crush on her. We talked a lot and we said we were dating. I never really told anyone. That eventually fizzled out. 

Over time I got bullied a couple times because classmates found my MySpace and found that I identified as bi. I quickly learned it was something I didn’t want to talk about. I dealt with a lot of anxiety and depression throughout all of school. In high school I steadily crushed on one boy almost all four years, but looking back I think I really just enjoyed and wanted to be his friend. Or I just kind of picked him as the one I liked the most so I had a crush to be a normal girl. I dated two boys the entirety of high school, the first one I broke up with because once he finally asked me out (after I “liked him”) and we did relationship things, like kissing, I was not all about it. It didn’t feel right. I thought, maybe I just didn’t like him. Next boyfriend, I wasn’t entirely objected to kissing him but it wasn’t my favorite. It got more frustrating when he wanted to do more. I wasn’t so opposed to him touching me, but when it came to touching him I was like “this ain’t it”. I stayed with him anyway, hoping I would “get over it” until he broke up with me. I wonder now if he could tell I wasn’t into it.

There was actually a time in which I thought, maybe I should date girls? One of my friends was dating a girl, and I thought that was wonderful. I went to her to tell her that I had been thinking maybe I’d rather date girls. I totally blocked this conversation out of my head until recently.

Once I was done with high school I was discouraged but tried to date a few different guys. None of them went that fantastically. If I met them online, I usually came up with a reason we couldn’t meet. “Maybe this just won’t work” It was fun to talk and flirt but when it came down to bringing it into real life I’d panic because that meant kissing a guy again, and possibly having sex. It made me totally uncomfortable. Finally I said, “I wish I was just into girls, ugh.” Remembered that I was, and that I should try it finally. I matched with this sweet girl that was about a year younger than me. She seemed so put together and so kind. We went on a few dates, getting ramen, fancy cupcakes, riding on a trolly in the city, etc. I remember when I got to kiss her in public and I was SO pumped to be seen doing that! Another time, I believe I drove her home but we parked away from her house and made out in my car. I still remember so much of it vividly. 

Eventually I realized that if I was seriously dating her, she would want it to be known. I’d have to face my fears and tell my family. For some reason, this absolutely terrified me. It shouldn’t have but it did. I thought through my options, and decided I should just find a nice guy that will love me and spend my life with me so I don’t have to do this anymore. I did the unspeakable act of basically just ghosting her and pursued a guy from work who, realistically, kind of freaked me out. Thanks to good old compulsive heterosexuality, I read this as my attraction to him. Thankfully, he was pretty easily attracted to me. I recall early in the relationship wishing I hadn’t done that awful thing to that girl, and that I wish I was still dating a girl. Nothing was technically wrong with my relationship that I had now, but something felt off. Like I was missing something. I tucked that away somewhere in my head and enjoyed building an amazing friendship with this man. I did love him, and I still do. He’s kind, he’s sensitive, we have a lot of shared interests and he’s taught me so much intentionally and unintentionally. 

We got married last year and while I felt grateful I had this amazing person beside me, I remember a part of me wondering if this was right for me. I had this weird little empty pocket somewhere in my heart. That I had given up my young adulthood maybe, and that I could have experienced being with... a woman, for real. I thought, I wish I could have met my husband later in life, maybe. Maybe then I’d have gotten my desires for women out of the way and then been with him forever. Because I do love him, he’s a good person and deserves to be loved. I enjoyed the wedding as a big party that I got to have with my family, but I just remember wondering where that extreme excitement was that everyone always described. Was I broken?

Now over a year later, I was sitting at home one day feeling lost and depressed. I had been on TikTok and saw all these young people having fun and I wished that I had spent more time trying to have fun in the past, before I got married. I thought, I could do it now, but what if something happened and I somehow I fell for one of these girls while being with my husband? Wait... why would I even think that? I started to really analyze this thought. I thought, if I was bi like I had always identified, why could I not be happy with my husband? Well, I was, but something was missing. This thought popped into my head: Oh no. What if I am gay? 

What?! Why would I think that? That’s crazy. I would have known as a kid like everyone says. Right? That’s how that works. I chalked this up to feeling like I was missing out and tried to stop thinking about it. It was hard not to, though. And so I googled one morning while out listening to the birds, after escaping bed before my husband rose to avoid his intimacy: “lesbian married to a man”

This article came up about a woman who had been married to a man for many years and they had kids. She started to question herself, and her attraction to him. I don’t remember all of it but I remember getting really uncomfortable but also having this weird sense of calm. That finally, I felt like I identified with something. I wasn’t really sure though. I sent a message to the lady who wrote the article. She replied a week later telling me that she had a podcast called Lesbian Chronicles. I said, okay, I need to listen to this. I listened to about two episodes or so when they mentioned this thing called “The Master Doc” and the reddit sub called Late Bloomer Lesbians. I was like “Holy crap, a community??”

I logged onto reddit for the first time ever. I saw all these women posting in similar situations to me. I found “The Master Doc” and “Straight women don’t say...”

It was like a light bulb went off. Oh my god, everything makes sense! Maybe I’m NOT broken! I remembered all the women that I had crushes on. All the times I thought about women but told myself I was just “weird” and tried not to think about it. I always thought, no I can’t be gay because I wasn’t sure of it as a kid. Now I realized that women especially are fed a straight narrative. It’s “normal” to not be attracted to men the way they are to you. It’s normal to not totally enjoy sex with men... When I learned that we’ve been told this, and it isn’t really true... I wanted to cry. Now I was in the biggest “pickle” ever. I have this man who loves me, who I said vows to swearing I loved him the same forever. Did I just accept who I was and what I did and live with it? Did I break up with him? That seemed to harsh. I heard a lot of women in the same position say they spoke to a therapist. I immediately googled therapists in my area that specialized in LGBTQ+ issues, sent an email ASAP, and felt a little bit of relief. I knew this was real because after years of playing with the idea of seeing a therapist, this came so naturally when I needed help with this.

Now I am here. I feel very confident that I am gay, and my dad knows now. I tried to bring it up with my husband but it didn’t go very well. He currently thinks that maybe I’m just a sad bisexual who hasn’t been able to express her bi-ness. I am at a point a conversation needs to happen again. I told myself when my lesbian flag and pin came in the mail, I would talk to him again. It’s being delivered today. I am terrified, to say the least. It feels so wrong to “betray” this man who has dedicated to much time and work to giving us as good a life as he can. But I need to live my truth. It will come. I’m low-key excited for it. I hope maybe this helps someone going through the same thing.

-Anonymous Married Lesbian

[juun-the-aira-mun]

Hiatus

Well, for those who haven't noticed yet:

This blog is basically done. Knowing that my shippartner will never return and most of the plotstrings attached to her have basically been cut due to that has robbed me of many possibilities I wanted to explore that I am unwilling to explore with others. People have pointed out several times how hard it is to approach my muse (partially due to me never having managed to push myself to write down her story) and I myself am not happy with how forced several roleplays felt in the past.

Dropped roleplays definitly added to the demotivating factor of everything.

I will say this now: I highly doubt I will ever return to Aira's blog for more than writing prompt replies. I will mostlikely create another blog solely focussing on her shadow AU, but that is honestly depending on how things look for that. The person I usually have the most links with in that AU has been pretty hiatus heavy for ... uhm, honestly, the past 2 years. So there is that too.

I like Aira. I like the story I had built for her and I like the ideas I had for her designs. But in the end, roleplay characters live from interactions with others. And seeing as I am too stubborn to bend her around and change her up to be easier to approach, I dount she will ever be 'fit' to be a roleplay character.

She may make for a good book or story.

But not for something that both people have to work out.

It's been more than five years since I joined the tumblr roleplaying community. I have learned a lot about myself and about other's. I learned to love some characters and saw them go or fall as other's would instead step up to be the mun's favorite instead. I saw people work out their passions and I will not hide that I am still envious of basically any artist on this page, but am also happy for the things they had managed to make.

I want to thank a few people, before I close the roleplaying part basically for good on this character.

@thecatofdarkness Sis, you are the weirdest person I have probably ever met and I love you to bits, even if I wish we would talk more than we do nowadays. Your character was amazing and so are you. The roleplays we had were all fun, special even to me and you have grown to be basically the closest friend I ever had on this website. I hope we can see the two of them together again in the future, but I doubt that will actually happen.

@shukuchiisms You know, Tia, you are more a mess of hyperspecific knowledge than I have ever met in my life. I swear, I won't be surprised if you chat to me one day that you somehow managed to summon a ruthless foxdemon into this word and the only thing I will probably say is "You know, I am not even surprised". Keep it up, even though I dun think I need to actually tell you that, haha. Who knows, maybe I will model Luna for you someday.

@erxhe even though you are no longer around because you impulse delete your blogs for Evelynn and Diana every other day, I still love you from the bottom of my heart. I wouldn't have met you if we hadn't been on this side together. Thank you, dear. You mean the world to me.

@crystals-angel / @iceflowers Look, we have probably not talked in the past 9 months (again) and I think if I remember correctly, we usually would bonk heads against each other (again), but regardless, I enjoyed our conversations and I enjoyed the interactions Fawniss and Aira had, which I consider one of the few times on this blog where it wasn't terrinly hard to approach you regarding them. I hope you have anothrr batch of great years around here x3

@shinaartificial Yes, I know we basically only had interactions via prompts and that you don't roleplay on your blog anymore, but you are still the very reason as to why I even started to get infested in tumblr, tumblr roleplays, heck how I even found out that the site existed. Your art and comics back then got me into this community and I will be forever grateful for that inspiration. Thank you.

There were many, many other's I have learned to like and hate among this website. @asktheevilstarchild for example who basically opened my eyes regarding how hard it was to roleplay with my muse. @kitty-fantastic who is one of my closest friends to a point where I would probably run through fire for you. And several others.

Thank you all.