#Ford analyzes tunes and song stuff

[wonderfulworldofmichaelford]

The theme song to "My Gym Partner's A Monkey"

One must consider when crafting a theme song that it needs to truly set a show up, and has it ever been done better than in the CN classic My Gym Partner's a Monkey?

I used to go to a human school, where everyone was the same. But, now I go to an animal school, cuz Lyon's my last name.

Thus speaks Adam Lyon, are charming and charismatic protagonist. He delivers the premise to the show in such a succinct and yet incredibly detailed way; we truly get a feeling for the sort of world he inhabits based on these opening lines alone.

But then the entire song is pulled down by this exchange:

Bullshark, porcupine, I don't know what. Going to this school's a pain in the - Adam! What? I was gunna say "neck". Oh, well that's okay then.

Obviously, the clear rhyme choice here would be "butt." But for some reason, Jake Spidermonkey, known ass enthusiast, interrupts the song (or should I say "butts in") to keep the lyrics clean? After the first lines went to such great lengths to establish the tone and setting, it's genuinely depressing to see this blatant character ASS-assination of Jake. He would not fucking say that.

Anyway they say "monkey" 21 times in the course of forty seconds so I give it a 2.5/5.

[morbus-mlm]

Gravity Falls Headcanons/Things I Think About Often (1,2)

⍋ ⍋ ⍋ ⍋ ⍋ ⍋ ⍋ ⍋ ⍋ ⍋ ⍋ ⍋ ⍋ ⍋ ⍋ ⍋ ⍋ ⍋ ⍋ ⍋ ⍋ ⍋ ⍋ ⍋ ⍋ ⍋ ⍋ ⍋ ⍋ ⍋ ⍋ ⍋ ⍋ ⍋ ⍋ ⍋ ⍋ ⍋ ⍋ ⍋ ⍋ ⍋ ⍋ ⍋ ⍋ ⍋ ⍋ ⍋ ⍋ ⍋ ⍋ ⍋ ⍋ ⍋ ⍋ ⍋ ⍋ ⍋ ⍋ ⍋ ⍋ ⍋ ⍋ ⍋ ⍋ ⍋ ⍋ ⍋ ⍋ ⍋ ⍋ ⍋ ⍋ ⍋

- Mabel's modern artist who we heavily associate her with is Chappell Roan, especially her with the song HOT TO GO! Dipper deserves the same treatment but with Conan Gray okay. I need to see an edit of this silly guy set to Lonely Dancers.

- Pacifica lets her natural hair out once she leaves her family. It's closer to an ash blonde

- Wendy has always been a horror movie girlie, she's seen it all.

- Some of Wendy's friends made those "summoning ___ at 4 am" videos because they were bored, what else is there to do around this town anyways?

- pacifica is a youtuber, she's also a pretty sucessful pro-gamer. She is canonically very good with fps,

- dipper creates some sort of mystery solving/ghost hunting/conspiracy analyzing show. It's a continuation on stuff he did in childhood (Dipper's Guide to the Unexplained).

- Mabel cannot be contained by a job title, she has done everything and anything creative. I feel like her main job would be something like a tattoo artist but on the side she sells sweaters on etsy, does drawing comms, animated, made music, she has her hands everywhere.

- Mabel, Paz, & Dipper will sometimes visit each other when working. I like the idea of Paz guesting on an episode of Dipper's mystery show, Mabel trying to play fps with Paz, Dipper visiting Mabel's tattoo shop and getting pierced there.

- Soos' keyboard getting decorated by the people he considers family. It starts with Mabel putting on like, five stickers on the bottom of it. Stan & Ford both carve into the sides of it. Dipper draws on it in marker. Melody writes words of affection on the sides/an inside joke between them. Abuelita is the one who etches Soos' name onto the keyboard case. Wendy writes like a cool, motivational quote on the case.

- the Hand Witch, her whole situation is looking towards the better. She and her man read as that one meme, "my witch gf" "me letting her do whatever the hell she wants"

- Wendy modifies her furbies. She is absolutely one of those people who makes long neck furbies and puts lights in their eyes/ears, she gives them hands.

- Emma-May & Fiddleford do not reconnect. Emma doesn't know about Fidd's work in the portal, but she does know about him losing his sanity. She does feel sympathetic and understanding towards his situation, but ultimately she doesn't want to force a romantic dynamic with him.

- There are parts of her that have moved on, there are parts of her that still feel anger, and sadness over what happened between them. She's happy that he's in a better state now and reconnecting with their son. Emma-May writes to Fiddleford, hoping that he has a good recovery.

- Fiddleford writes a single letter to her. He writes that he is sorry for not being their to support her, to help her raise their child. I feel like he would be very apologetic but not self-aggrandizing.

- There are parts of him that are still angry at himself, and ones that still wish to avoid dealing with such a difficult and messy situation. But he is a man who moves forward. He writes that he's grateful for Emma-May's wishes, and he wishes her well in return.

- Although their romantic bond with each other has severed, their relationship ends on a kind note.

- ford plays the fiddle, fiddleford plays the banjo.

- If Ford and Fidd were in a romantic relationship, those two would be reserved in public, but real tender in private. Those two read to me as more reserved with their romances.

- Stan after a while just tunes out their calls to each other. They will get in the fucking, "no you hang up" loop, or the "ily" loop

- they’re both pretty healthy when it comes to communication, boundaries, stuff like that. Ford drops the banjo curfew/cutoff when Guck lives at the shack/sets up his trailer next to it.

- Ford unlearns a lot of things instilled in him as a child. the ideas of him being the golden boy or something special (both in the positive and negative sense), are something he now recognizes as ideas, not reality.

- this realization really sets in for him due to a lot of reading, him catching up on modern sciences, including psychology. (it's mostly him almost losing stan)

- Stanley is trying to do the same with his own thoughts of being the screw up, the scapegoat, it's hard for him in different ways. Stanley is a person who, "would insult himself first before anyone else could get to it" without his bravado+con-man persona.

- But they both put in the work. They're good brothers, they help each other.

- both the grunkles favorite sweet after all these years is saltwater taffee, 

- I feel like Pacifica connects well with the adults in the town who aren't her parents. She doesn't exactly see any person as a parental figure, I think she just absorbs advice and experience from the people around her yk. Like her and Lazy Susan definitely have a stronger bond than Paz and her mom.

- Bill never really comes back, he just speaks like he has. In TBoB he acts like he's tough shit, but ultimately he's still in the psych ward-- like. This being has no real authority. I like to think therapy is working out for him, he has good days and bad days.

- Just based on my recollection, McGucket is a very agile man. He seems to be able to crawl up & down surfaces not built for climbing.

- I like to think that post series he takes up mountain climbing/hiking because by this point, he's less scared of supernatural beings compared to when he first came to Gravity Falls.

- McGucket dressing himself, McGucket finally being in a position where he can afford different clothing other than his slacks, him feeling present in his own body again. McGucket in green cowboy wear, (look i really like this Appalachian man, i would very much like to see him old and happy).

- Mystery trio (Stan, Ford, & Fidd) post-cannon. The twins travel the world, occasionally bringing Fidd along for the ride. Fidd is their guy in the chair, the person creating tech on the fly, their #1 man. These three men are absolutely on their way to adventure.

- the X-Men movies hold a soft spot for the Pines Family. They have all of them on DVD, usually the collectors editions. All of the Pines have a crush on Logan. The Stans both love older Logan—

- Mabel's room/home would be filled with little collectables (like tchotchkes or sonny angels)

- Stanley meets the Peanuts artists/goes to Knotsberry Farm. Stan gets a hug from Snoopy and he starts bawling.

- Shermie. I do not care if he is the elder or the younger, all I know is that he is the calmer sibling of the three. Is he well adjusted, (no, you kinda can't be if you were raised by Fillbrick), but he is the most normal.

- Stan's art is clearly influenced by the Peanuts, Ford's art influences are 80s sci-fi + realism. Shermie, his is Hanna-Barbera.

[mst3kproject]

415: The Beatniks

 While I am, it must be admitted, as old as dirt, I am not quite old enough to have any firsthand experience with Beatnikery.  I am nevertheless under the impression that it involves black turtlenecks, round sunglasses, unkempt facial hair, and bad poetry.  None of these make any sort of appearance in The Beatniks.

Eddie Crane is the leader of a small gang of very stupid criminals.  I assume they chose him for the position because he’s the only guy they know who actually started seventh grade.  They’re celebrating their latest robbery when forces beyond Eddie’s control, in the form of a talent agent who looks weirdly like Sir Ian McKellan and a TV station manager who looks worryingly like Arch Hall Sr., conspire to propel him to stardom whether he likes it or not!  Eddie doesn’t want to be That Guy who let fame go to his head and forgot about his friends, so the gang tags along, looking for places to vandalize and people to murder until Eddie just can’t keep the charade up any longer.

I wonder if names like Bud Eagle and Eddie Crane are meant to suggest that these guys can sing like birds.  If so, it would have behooved them to choose birds that are actually known for singing.  Then again, I guess Bud Nightingale and Eddie Sparrow wouldn’t have sounded nearly as tough.

The Beatniks is actually a fairly engaging and watchable movie.  It moves along at a good pace, never allowing the viewer to get bored, but it’s full of contrived situations and awful dialogue spoken by barely-competent actors, so it’s perfect for MST3K.  It’s also got a fair amount going on below the surface for me to analyze, and the songs are… uh…

Well, they’re not good.  They’re not very memorable (except the first one, which sticks in the mind not because of the tune but because of the refrain my sideburns don’t need no sympathy. What the fuck?), they sound more like Glenn Miller than anything that would have been popular by 1960, and the lyrics are maudlin and predictable, but they’re nowhere near as awful as anything sung by Arch Hall Jr.  Tony Travis has a decent set of pipes and I can see him being the Clay Aiken or Josh Groban of his day, enormously popular with little old ladies and middle-aged gay men.

That’s not what we're shown in the movie, though.  If the writers had tried to make Eddie’s meteoric rise to stardom as ridiculous and implausible as possible, they couldn’t have done much better than this (‘meteoric’ is a particularly apt description of Eddie, who shines very bright for ten seconds and then hits the ground real hard).  His success is so sudden and so total, from small-time crook to household name in no more than a few days, that it feels like at any moment we’re going to see a bunch of people stand up and shout, “April Fool!”

I don’t know how these things worked in the fifties, of course, but I seriously doubt talent agents just wandered the wastes signing random people they got into car accidents with.  Most actors and singers have to put in years of work before anybody notices them – Harrison Ford was George Lucas’ carpenter and Demi Moore was a girl of the week in Master Ninja!  With Eddie, everything is just handed to him, and it’s really rather detrimental to his character.  We don’t see him as somebody who deserves success, because he wasn’t depicted as having any ambitions or any desire to reach beyond what he is.  He’s just some jerk who had a stroke of good luck.

This is topped off by the movie’s I Accuse My Parents-like unwillingness to really depict Eddie was a criminal.  The gang’s store robbery at the beginning seems to be something they’ve done so often that the owners are expecting them – the man asks, “don’t you guys ever rob anyone else” and seems more resigned than terrified.  Eddie issues some mild threats but the actual stealing is done by his friends, and as soon as stardom knocks on Eddie’s door, he abandons violence entirely.  It’s his buddies who trash the hotel room and shoot the barkeep, while Eddie begs them not to, as if putting on a suit and tie has suddenly transformed him into a grownup.

Like many 50s and 60’s Rebellious Teens movies, The Beatniks is intended as a warning.  It’s a little more subtle about it than things like Reefer Madness, but not too much.  The message here is that someday, even the angriest of teen rebels will grow up, and when they do, they may find that leaving their pasts behind is not as easy as they thought.  It turns out to be particularly difficult for Eddie, whose bad decisions are embodied in his reckless and violent friends and follow him in a very literal sense indeed.  He wants to leave that past behind for a new career and a more adult relationship, but they catch up with him every time.

I guess this is why Eddie’s rise has to be so sudden – so that he can’t have any opportunity to ditch these people from his past.  That sort of makes sense, but it’s still lazy writing and leaves Eddie with almost no character whatsoever.  Throughout the film he appears mostly as somebody being manhandled by destiny, both his rise and his fall so entirely out of his own control that he’s still basically a victim even when good things are happening to him.

The single most confusing thing in the movie is Eddie’s romance with Agent Magneto’s blonde secretary, Helen.  It’s easy to see why he likes her: Helen may not be what is usually considered beautiful (the Brains compared her to “Donald Sutherland in drag”) but she’s clearly intelligent and sophisticated, well-dressed and good-mannered.  What you find yourself wondering is what she sees in him. He’s not witty or charming and the movie suggests he’s quite a bit younger than she is.

Of course, you’re not supposed to ask that because the women in this movie are not characters, they’re symbols.  Blonde, glamorous Helen represents the glittering world of stardom that Eddie is being ushered into.  Clingy, criminal Iris is Eddie’s past, with its obsession with money and good times.  She still lives with her mother, making her also a representation of childhood, while independent Helen with her own apartment is an adult.

Is this misogynistic?  Eh, maybe, but the rest of the gang are more symbols than characters, too.  The one who stands out most is Mooney, the guy who actually kills the fat barkeep and stabs Agent Gandalf, and then insists he did it for Eddie, since these men would have gone to the cops if he hadn’t. The movie makes it clear that his two victims said no such things, and Eddie is pretty sure that Mooney is lying about it, but the audience may get the impression that Mooney believes it.  He’s terrified of being caught and sent to jail and lashes out at anyone who might be a threat.  Claiming he’s doing it for Eddie is just a way of telling himself that he’s not really being selfish and impulsive.

Some have seen this as homoerotic – that Mooney is in love with Eddie and tries to protect him for that reason, while he’s actually just lashing out at the things that threaten to take the object of his love away from him.  I can definitely see that, but I think what the writers may have been going for is that Mooney represents selfishness.  The movie is saying that the things juvenile delinquents do are out of selfishness – the group robs the store for money and booze, drive the other restaurant patrons out as they seek a good time, and kill the barkeep out of fear.  The same fear selfishly keeps them from seeking medical help for Red.  They spare no thought for their effect on society as a whole, but society is something we are all part of whether we like it or not, and so our selfish acts will eventually come back on us, as they do on Eddie.

The love stories in the movie fit in with this theme, too.  Iris’ love for Eddie is about what he can provide her with – money and songs when he’s just a criminal, and furs and fame once he becomes a star.  Helen’s love for him, and his for her, is unselfish: each wants the other’s happiness, even if there is a personal cost.  Eddie tries to distance himself from Helen when he fears he’ll drag her down with him, she tries to encourage him to do what’s right even if it means she loses him.  If we believe that Mooney loves Eddie, then this love is also selfish.  He wants Eddie to himself, and destroys the things that threaten to separate them.

This is a really bad movie but like a number of other MST3K features, including Manos and The Magic Sword, it’s got a lot for me to get my analytical teeth into.  It makes a great episode not only because the movie is so entertainingly terrible and the riffing so good, but because enough of its seventy-seven minutes made it into the theatre that you can pick out all this stuff and chew on it.  It’s not a movie I would have watched without MST3K, but I’m kinda glad I did.

[wonderfulworldofmichaelford]

My Balls by Your Favorite Martian

Ray William Johnson is one of the great poets of our time, the John Lennon of the YouTube age, and nowhere is this more evident than with the breathtaking masterpiece that is “My Balls.”

Check out the first verse’s heartfelt lyrical content, a desperate plea to get a lost loved back:

Baby girl, you left me

Oh no, we broke up

And it's been a while since we last spoke

But I need another chance, can you give me that?

'Cause there's something in my pants that could win you back

It’s a display of raw emotion that is universally relatable; we’ve all been in a similar position to “My Balls” at one point or another.

I wanna be your man again

But you left me like I'm Jennifer Aniston

And I know you said you'd never call

But girl, you ain't seen my balls

These lines could be chalked up to merely clever wordplay, but I think that is greatly underselling the genius of “My Balls;” the comparison to Aniston is clearly meant to imply the girl our narrator is trying to win back is, in fact, Brad Pitt.

And then we come to the chorus:

You-you-you-you ain't seen my balls

You-you-you-you ain't seen my balls

You-you-you-you ain't seen my balls

You ain't seen my balls, you ain't seen my balls

You-you-you-you ain't seen my balls

You-you-you-you ain't seen my balls

You-you-you-you ain't seen my balls

You ain't seen my balls, you ain't seen my balls

Bob Dylan wishes he could achieve even half of the impact that “My Balls” does. This is poetry, pure and simple, unrivaled and unmatched by any living artist. “My Balls” really carry a lot of depth and meaning that may not be evident at first glance, but a closer examination of “My Balls” reveals profound wit and brilliance.

Let me single out the top 5 most profound lyrics of the song:

5.

My balls are so awesome, don't get me started

They're so damn big

How big are they?

They're so big, it's really obnoxious

4.

And how can I be subtle

When my balls chase Indiana Jones through a tunnel?

3.

And everyone at Disney World keeps telling me

That Epcot Center looks at 'em with jealousy

2.

I, I got what you need

And you said you'll never call

But girl, you ain't seen these balls, here we go

1.

My balls are so epic but I ain't boastin'

'Cause they have an effect on the tides and the ocean

And when the sun's right, they might cause

A total solar eclipse of my balls

This clears the entire discography of the Beatles and I will never hear anything this good again. Music peaked here and it’s been a steady decline since.

In short, My Balls are amazing. The song’s good too. 4.5/5.

[wonderfulworldofmichaelford]

The Family Guy Theme Song

Few theme songs truly resonate with me like the Family Guy theme. Let’s just dive right in:

It seems today

That all you see

Is violence in movies and sex on TV

So true, Lois. This is why I don’t review movies anymore. They’re just too violent, perverted, and degenerate (unlike Family Guy).

But where are those good old fashioned values

On which we used to rely?

I like how it poses this question. Yes Griffin family, where are those values? Where did they go. If only there was some kind of person, a person who could embody said values, but no such person could possibly exi—

Lucky there's a Family Guy

Lucky there's a man who

Positively can do

All the things that make us

Laugh and cry!

Bravo, Seth! You truly made the only show worth watching, and the only theme song worth listening to! 4/5.

[wonderfulworldofmichaelford]

I rewatched that Trainwreckords about Liz Phair and would you have any thoughts on one of her Funstyle songs, "Bollywood"?

Liz Phair alienated a lot of people with her Funstyle album, but it's genuinely disappointing because it's such a fascinating work, and no song makes it more clear than "Bollywood." The entire song is a Lynchian fever dream of incoherent pop star ramblings (compare "The Riddle" by Nik Kershaw), a true masterpiece of surrealism.

This is all accentuated by the use of traditional Indian instrumentation, a good decision for any white woman to make in their pop song. Lyrical analysis is utterly impossible here, because the entire song is a trip and a half, but let me highlight some fascinating looks into Liz's psyche:

Let me tell you how it's done here in the Hollywood Maybe you was thinking you was in the Bollywood If I wanna break the rule, you know I probably could

These lyrics appear to be a subtle, coded reference to the fact Liz is a privileged white woman, and possibly also racist. It's a bit ambiguous, but said ambiguity is what makes her one of the unsung talents of our time.

Oh, it's a bad day for the pool boy Come to clean, and discover you, boy Face down and feet turning blue, boy Now your eyes are closed, you finally have the sight to see

These lyrics seem to imply Liz wants to murder someone who tells her things she doesn't want to hear, a nod to the fact that white women will do this at any given opportunity when told no by workers.

Brilliant satire of being a white woman buried within layers of insane rambling. True genius, 4.5/5.

[wonderfulworldofmichaelford]

Wii shop theme

This might be one of the most evil songs ever created. You may be wondering why I would say this about an instrumental track for a video game store, but that’s because you haven’t deciphered the coded acronym of the song title like I have.

W stands for World Trade Center, with the two Is that follow representing the Twin Towers. This ties the Wii Shop to 9/11.

S is the first letter of “shop.” But you know what else starts with S? Scientology! And who is mentioned in Scientology? Xenu!

H stands for “Holocaust” of course, which brings the Nazis into this.

O stands for “Original creator of the white race, Yakub.” Of course he’d be behind this devilish trickery.

P stands for “President Obama,” because of course it does.

The “The” in Theme stands for “The Government.”

And then there’s the “Me,” which stands for “Malevolent extraterrestrials,” which of course means the reptilians.

And so it should be obvious that this means Xenu, Tom Cruise, Yakub, Obama, the government, the Nazis, and the reptilians founded the Wii Shop to fund 9/11!!! It’s the only thing that makes any sense!!!!!!! Wake up, sheeple!

Anyway, pretty good song. 3/5.

[wonderfulworldofmichaelford]

Photograph by Niclelback

“Photograph” is perhaps one of the most criminally underrated and critically misunderstood songs of all time because people take it at face value due to the memes. However, if you read between the lines you’ll see the truth clear as day: The song is a bittersweet tale of gay romance.

The very first verse wastes no time in elaborating on the tragedy:

Look at this photograph

Every time I do, it makes me laugh

How did our eyes get so red?

And what the hell is on Joey's head?

Their eyes are red from weeping at the state of Joey, our narrator’s former lover; the line about something being on his head is a reference to the progression of whatever disease was claiming his young life.

Now, you might think this makes the first two lines seem rather callous and insensitive. Why would he be laughing at this tragedy? Well, the rest of the song explains it: He’s laughing because he’s chosen to prioritize remembering the good moments while saying farewell to the tragic memories, making the conscious decision to immortalize Joey’s tragically short life in a positive way and saying farewell to these records that bring back negative memories, as evidenced by the powerful, sweeping chorus:

Every memory of looking out the back door

I had the photo album spread out on my bedroom floor

It's hard to say it, time to say it

Goodbye, goodbye

Every memory of walking out the front door

I found the photo of the friend that I was looking for

It's hard to say it, time to say it

Goodbye, goodbye

The rest of the first part of the song really helps flesh out the story with reminiscences of our narrator’s childhood home (likely where his romance with Joey initially blossomed), as well as a criminal record and a failure to graduate:

And this is where I went to school

Most of the time had better things to do

Criminal record says I broke in twice

I must have done it half a dozen times

I wonder if it's too late

Should I go back and try to graduate?

Life's better now than it was back then

If I was them, I wouldn't let me in

These lines can be read in two ways. The first is this can be seen as our narrator detailing his spiral into criminality in the wake of discovering Joey is not long for this world; the second is that it can be read as engaging in reckless bucket list hedonism to make Joey’s last days special. I think the former is closer to the truth due to the song’s themes of saying farewell to negative memories, something supported by the line indicating his life is better now.

The second part of the song comes off as a lot more positive, though still bittersweet as it deals with memories our narrator seems to cherish a little more:

Remember the old arcade

Blew every dollar that we ever made

The cops hated us hangin' out

They say, "Somebody went and burned it down"

We used to listen to the radio

And sing along with every song we know

We said, "Someday we'd find out how it feels

To sing to more than just the steering wheel"

The last line is arguably the most hard-hitting in the whole song, as our narrator did in fact achieve that dream… while Joey, tragically, did not. While he is far more wistful about these reminiscences than the initial ones, he still finds the need to say farewell to this as the survivor’s guilt weighs heavily on his soul.

Then we have the lines indicating that, in the wake of Joey’s death or perhaps merely because of societal norms of the time, he forced himself into heterosexuality:

Kim's the first girl I kissed

I was so nervous that I nearly missed

She's had a couple of kids since then

I haven't seen her since God knows when

At the very least, despite the negative connotations this memory brings, he doesn’t seem quite so bitter about this, which foreshadows the big finish of the song (or indicates he’s actually bi, it’s ambiguous)

And then comes the big twist of the song:

I miss that town, I miss the faces

You can't erase, you can't replace it

I miss it now, I can't believe it

So hard to stay, too hard to leave it

The narrator ultimately acknowledges that, as painful as some of the memories might be, they are still important, defining moments of his life that shouldn’t be carelessly tossed aside. When it comes to the past, you need to take the good with the bad, and not run from the past. There is gurt there, but ultimately the good times outweigh the bad and that Joey’s memory is truly tied to the photographs for better or worse.

And this brings us to the last lines before the final chorus, a reaffirmation that no matter what his love for Joey is eternal, cementing the bittersweet nature of the song:

If I could relive those days

I know the one thing that would never change

This song is so criminally misunderstood, likely due to the easily memeable nature of the music video and Chad Kroeger’s voice and style not the thing that really springs to mind when you think of queer angst. It’s a shame, because this is essentially the audio equivalent of Brokeback Mountain, a queer story of love, loss, and cherished memories that was ahead of its time.

Ultimately, this is the worst Def Leppard cover I’ve ever heard. I give it a 3.5/5.

[wonderfulworldofmichaelford]

Temporary Secretary

Paul McCartney is a talentless hack and a blight upon the Beatles, and this song is no exception. It is genuinely devoid of creativity and is absolutely not ahead of its time in any way, shape, or form. It is not fun to listen to at all, and it's not fun to trick other people into listening to it.

Don't even bother looking at these lyrics:

Mister marks can you find for me Someone strong and sweet fitting on my knee She can keep her job if she gets it wrong Ah, but mister marks I won't need her long All I need is help for a little while We can take dictation and learn to smile And a temporary secretary is what I need for to do the job

This is an absolutely abysmal opening to a song, and it's not funny at all. Paul is just so void of humor and charisma that it hurts. Then there's the chorus:

I need a Temporary secretary, temporary secretary Temporary secretary, temporary secretary

Paul's voice is not the funniest thing ever at all, and he is genuinely such a hack fraud that it is painful.

She can be a belly dancer I don't need a need romancer She can be a diplomat But I don't need a girl like that She can be a neurosurgeon If she's doin' nothing' urgent What I need's a temporary, temporary secretary

This song is so goddamn bad that it's painful. These are the worst lyrics sung by the worst Beatle and performed with the worst instruments. I hate this song with all my fucking heart and t is definitely not one of my favorite songs ever recorded.

-5/5. John should've beat Paul instead of Yoko.

[wonderfulworldofmichaelford]

The Simpsons Theme Song

Truly, one of the theme songs of all time. When they say "The Simpsons," and then that music hits... Cinema.

But we don't watch movies here anymore! Anything that reminds me of cinema is bad! 1/5, bad song, get back to me when you like real theme songs like Kung Fu Dino Posse!

[wonderfulworldofmichaelford]

Get Low by Lil Jon & The East Side Boyz

Some people, including a certain weirdo who likes to review movies and is incredibly handsome that will rename nameless, cite this as one of the greatest rap songs of all time. But me? I'm not so sure.

3, 6, 9 - damn she fine Hoping she can sock it to me one more time

Right off the bat, these lyrics are sloppy. 3, 6, 9? Um, you're missing a few numbers there buddy. And why are you talking about this girl's socks? Do you have a foot fetish? Are you Bob Odenkirk? Are you... Dan Schneider????

To the window, to the wall! Til the sweat drop down my balls

Um, gross. TMI buddy. We're here for music, not to hear about your ball sweat.

Frankly, I don't know if I can even continue reviewing this. The song is filled with foul language, racism, sexism, and a lack of good Christian values (aside from the sexism and racism, I mean). I don't think my fragile little heart can handle such a voyeuristic display of utter profanity, so this one gets a 0/5.

[wonderfulworldofmichaelford]

Eminem's best song, Just Lose It

Eminem is a man known for his brilliant wit and wordplay, as well as his rapid rapping. "Just Lose It" is the absolute pinnacle of this. Look at how he opens the song, for instance:

Guess who's back? Back again Shady's back Tell a friend

HEY! What the fuck! Eminem is recycling lyrics! What kind of chicanery is this?! God, he better turn this around in the next few lines with a totally funny and topical reference!

Now everyone report to the dance floor To the dance floor, to the dance floor Now everyone report to the dance floor Alright stop!.....Pajama time

Oh thank goodness. This is the sort of good, wholesome, appropriate content we have come to know and love Slim Shady for. Now let's see how he follows this up.

Come here little kiddies, on my lap Guess who's back with a brand new rap? And I don't mean rap as in a new case of child molestation accusation (AH-AH-AH-AH-AH) No worries, papa's got a brand new bag of toys What else could I possibly do to make noise? I done touched on everything, but little boys

This is truly brilliant, the same sort of wit and genius displayed by post-Troma, pre-good movies James Gunn! Gunn should feel blessed to be mentioned in the same paragraph as a titan of brilliance like Em. I especially like that he clarified that he didn't actually molest children, it was just a joke.

That's not a stab at Michael That's just a metaphor, I'm just psycho

I'm glad he clarified he wasn't insulting me either, that's awfully nice of him. Though the fact he knew me, a random 11 year old at the time of the song's release, is a little concerning.

Now, though, we come up to the greatest lyrics of his entire career:

And it's cool if you let one go Nobody's gonna know, who'd hear it? Give a little "poot poot", it's OK! [*fart sound*] Oops my CD just skipped And everyone just heard you let one rip

These are truly life-altering lyrics. Can I even continue analyzing this song? Is there any point? We've peaked right here and I'm ready to give this song a 5/5! The only thing that could make this better is if Em came out as gay during the song, but there's no way that could ever hap--

Now I'm gonna make you dance It's your chance Yeah boy shake that ass Oops I mean girl Girl, girl, girl

HOLY FUCK THIS IS THE GREATEST SONG OF ALL TIME! INFINITY/10 A TRUE MUSICAL CLASSIC THAT CLEARS HIS ENTIRE DISCOGRAPHY!

[wonderfulworldofmichaelford]

Thoughts on Taylor Swift's "Look What You Made Me Do"?

As Taylor Swift is a god in human form, the song is Her announcing that She will unleash Old Testament wrath upon any who displease Her.

Take a look at the opening lines:

I don't like your little games

Don't like your tilted stage

The role you made me play of the fool

No, I don't like you

This incredibly subtle and powerful songwriting really helps to set things up; you may not have noticed, but She is clearly displeased by someone (Taylorologists have debated over who, exactly, Her ire is directed at here; scholars generally agree that the subject of the songs is the lord of Hell himself, Kanyetan, but there are numerous other theories as well, some more sane than others).

The rest of the verse, and in fact all the verses, are really just reiterations of the same sentiment, but this is fine as She is a glorious flawless being who is above such things as “depth,” “lyrical complexity,” or “clever writing.” Does She need anything other than Her voice to speak power to this generation?

The pre-chorus is rather notable as it is at this point She reaffirms Her godhood:

But I got smarter, I got harder in the nick of time

Honey, I rose up from the dead, I do it all the time

I've got a list of names and yours is in red, underlined

I check it once, then I check it twice, oh

This is actually all the more impressive because not only is She implying She is more powerful than Jesus (who only came back once), She is also subtly implying that She is Santa Claus due to checking a list. All of this buildup leads to a chorus of Biblical proportions:

Ooh, look what you made me do

Look what you made me do

Look what you just made me do

Look what you just made me

Ooh, look what you made me do

Look what you made me do

Look what you just made me do

Look what you just made me do

Taylorologists have long debated whether multiple writers contributed to this chorus, as it is so powerful and impactful that there’s no way one person could write this. But they forget Taylor is no mere mortal; She is a sapphic goddess of poetry and vengeance who strikes down Her enemies Swiftly. Only a true genius mind such as Hers could craft these lyrics, and alone at that; a thousand men could not come within an inch of Her wit.

I’m not giving this song a score, because that would be tacky; should I score the books of the Bible, too? This song is a powerful, life-altering religious experience, and that’s just the tea, sis. 🐸☕️

[wonderfulworldofmichaelford]

How do you feel about "Freek'n You" by Jodevi and it's association with JJBA?

Ah, this is a softball one! Frankly, the song is the most perfect and fitting ending theme for the series; the song is unambiguously about sex, and the entirety of JJBA is a coded allegory for gay sex. The backlash and confusion to its use shows a clear lack of media literacy on the part of viewers.

[wonderfulworldofmichaelford]

omfg I have to ask for "Butterfly" by Crazy Town, the lyrics are pure poetry

That or "Butts Tits and Money" by KNOWER

Crazy Town truly were geniuses with the creation of "Butterfly," perhaps the most romantic song ever created. This is evident right from the word go:

Such a sexy, sexy pretty little thing Fierce nipple pierce, you got me sprung with your tongue ring

After this, the entire song rivals Romeo & Juliet in terms of sheer romantic beauty. I could sit here and list every single line of the song, but I'm too lazy to do that. Instead, I'll give it a 3/5. It would get a higher score if only it had more tasteless references to celebrities committing suicide.

Now, for "Butts Tits and Money"... From the start, I'm not entirely sure what to make of this.

Here sitting by myself (uh) I think I'm gonna melt Right into my seat While I watch the meat compete

It seems tacky and lowbrow. What sort of "meat" do you mean, hmmm? Is it your peanus????

I just didn't see how this song could ever improve, and then we hit the chorus:

Butts and tits and money (yes) Butts and tits and money (yes) Butts and tits and money (yes) 'Cause I'm broke and ugly (yes)

Finally, a truly relatable song! 5/5!

[wonderfulworldofmichaelford]

You know you have to...

Blood - My Chemical Romance.

"Blood" is truly the anthem for donating blood, something I do a lot(well, I donate plasma, but still). At least, that's what I thought, but then I really looked into the lyrics:

Well, they encourage your complete cooperation Send you roses when they think you need to smile I can't control myself because I don't know how And they love me for it, honestly, I'll be here for a while So give them blood, blood, gallons of the stuff Give them all that they can drink, and it will never be enough So give them blood, blood, blood Grab a glass because there's going to be a flood

It is, interesting though. Let them drink? What an odd thing to say. Are they trying to imply that these doctors are some sort of creature that drinks blood? What an odd concept. Who has ever heard of such a thing.

A celebrated man amongst the gurneys They can fix me proper with a bit of luck The doctors and the nurses, they adore me so But it's really quite alarming 'cause I'm such an awful fuck (oh, thank you) I gave you blood, blood, gallons of the stuff I gave you all that you can drink, and it has never been enough I gave you blood, blood, blood I'm the kind of human wreckage that you love

Alright, something weird is going on here. They're clearly bringing forth the implications of some sort of blood-drinking being, but who would ever come up with such a thing and write a song about it? What next, writing a multi-part saga of these beings with lots of gay romance and convoluted lore? I don't know, I'm giving this a 1.5/5.