#Fibro is what I first expected

[eponastory]

Ah, Sarcastic Chorus...

Let's break down the 'I'm going to fix you' argument for Katara.

First off, no one can 'fix' anyone. Going into a relationship thinking you're going to change somebody and make them different is going to make that relationship bad. It's not necessarily toxic, but bad. Why? Because it's not your job to 'fix' the other person. The only one who can do that is the other person. You can only 'fix' yourself.

A lot of relationships fail because of these expectations.

I'm going to talk about fanfiction here for a moment since I've been writing a Zutara story. Since Zutara isn't Canon (but we really wish it was) and all, I only have what does happen in Canon and what happens in fanfiction tropes I see a lot.

In the show we get these wonderful little moments where Zuko and Katara are fighting each other (book one), and it sets a nice theme of opposites attract. The motifs are there with all the color symbolism... it's nice. That does immediately set our brains to 'oh they are so going to get together'. There are a lot of nuances to that, and it's lovely.

I'm not going to lie, Katara is in that group dynamic of 'The Heart' role, and yes, it does put a little pressure on her character to care for everyone. It's my least favorite role for a character and it's a bitch to write when you want that character to be independent.

Anyway, back to Katara. She's the mother figure, the caring and nurturing one that has to help everyone else sort out their problems while she has to internalize her own. It sucks. It really does. So when we get to TSR in Book 3 and she is practically berated by everyone for not acting like herself... she gets pissed, rightfully so because she had to help everyone else with their bullshit until Zuko finally joined. This is where Zuko becomes a foil for her.

Just to be clear, a foil is basically a character that encourages change to happen within a dynamic. It can be a group or a pairing. Usually, that character had opposite goals or a different personality. Zuko started out as the antagonist, but when he joined the Gaang, he's now a foil for the entire group.

Back to what I was saying... what was I saying? Oh yes!

So Katara is rightfully pissed because she needs to deal with her trauma when everyone is suddenly 'this isn't who you are'. No, this is exactly who she is. She is very much like her element. Water is fluid, it can be calm and it can be a torrent... which is exactly the way she is written. It's always been her, she just put everyone else's problems above her own. Now that she has to deal with her problems, it's chaotic for everyone else.

And yes, she does have survivors guilt.

That is her main problem, so now she has to deal with it. And Zuko gives her that chance.

This is getting pretty long, so I'll try to wrap everything up here.

Zuko doesn't need to be 'fixed' he's already done that himself by himself. Joining the Gaang was essentially a fresh start for him (I use that term lightly) which is why he is so awkward when he goes to talk to them at the Western Air Temple (or is it Eastern? I don't remember ahhhh. Fibro brain!) And it's so cute and I just want to hug him. I digress, but it's great.

He's got a shitty past, but he is trying to change himself even further by accepting responsibility for what he did to them individually. In Katara's case, he has to work hard for her. It's lovely, and the payoff is great. I know for sure that is what I see in their relationship. He cares so much about her that he works hard to win her trust again. Why? Because she showed him compassion in CoD, and that struck a chord in him. Her strength is her compassion when he was taught by his sociopathic narcissist father that emotions like that are a weakness.

That my dear Kat*angers is why we love this ship.

It's a beautiful dynamic between them that I would have loved to see Bryke explore, but they just gave us the most vanilla bland version of a romance they could find by pulling a D&B (Game of Thrones writers) and subverting expectations. It sucks.

TLDR version.

Katara doesn't have to fix Zuko.

[thedisablednaturalist]

Tw for weight loss mention

The whole exercise will cure your disability thing is a fucking joke. Yes exercise is beneficial for your health, but only if you aren't already on shaky foundations. You need to be on a treatment plan that WORKS before going into the maintenance phase. You wouldn't do regular maintenance on a broken item, you'd work on getting it up and running first. And maybe it would even need specialized maintenance afterwards if it's especially fragile.

I have fibromyalgia and acute degenerative disc disease. My immune system attacks my nerves and discs in my spine are slowly calcifying and causing the bones to constrict and damage my nerves (i think thats how it works). I have days where it feels like my body is on fire from nerve pain and days where it feels like my spine is about to rip from my back. And days where I have both (like today!). I get numbness in my hands and feet. I have horrible migraines. I can no longer walk unaided more than maybe 5 minutes without severe pain. I have something wrong with my knees and hips but the doctors don't know what yet.

You'd think I live an obviously seditary lifestyle correct?

Hell no.

I walk aided on average 6 miles a day over difficult terrain OUTSIDE of regular activity almost everyday. My legs are muscular and strong. I get my heart rate up and a good sweat, like all the gym rats swear on. I am often doing physical labor such as weeding, digging, sample collecting, pruning trees etc.

I'm not saying this to make other disabled people feel bad or prove that they can do anything if they just tried harder. This is an extremely painful lifestyle I've chosen that takes a lot of lifestyle management AND BOUNDARIES to keep up with the work. I also have an extremely forgiving boss who is also physically disabled and knows what I'm going through (deciding between your passion and your health and having to do so each and every day) No one should ever be expected to do what I do. I'm not even sure if I should be doing this myself.

This is to prove that exercise? Has not cured me. My muscles are strong but still hurt as if they're broken and I have to take more breaks than my coworker. I am constantly getting out of breath and I flare up regularly if I'm not careful. I am in excellent physical condition outside of my disabilities. I go to different doctors several times a month to get checked out.

I previously went through a diet program and lost a lot of weight (basically starving myself and got off my depression meds which cause weight gain but are also the only ones that work) and guess what? That didn't do shit either!!! I still felt horrible!!! I've since gained back the weight anyway after switching to focusing on adding more nutrient dense foods than taking stuff away from my diet (also muscle weighs more than fat, and fat helps cushion my aching joints and spine).

The muscle doesn't do shit for my disabilities outside of maybe some stability. Exercising everyday doesn't make the pain go away. Without my medications and aids and nutrition plans and steroid injections and spinal adjustments and physical therapy (that takes my fibro and spine into account) and alternative work methods I WOULD NOT BE ABLE TO DO WHAT I DO. Exercise alone is like trying to make a car run with no oil. Yes it'll go but it'll get more and more damaged till it can't and will need its entire engine replaced!

And yet I see new doctors and they look at me and the first thing out of their mouths is do I exercise? I should try doing a little every day :) and then i fucking blow their minds when I tell them about my job. No longer can they use that fucking cop out on me. I've been through this rodeo. Ive tried their suggestions. If you are in pain and nothing is helping? Exercise ain't going to do SHIT. You need to get to a point where you can move without severe pain first (if that's even possible). Then and only then should you consider implementing regular exercise if you can. Also weight loss talk is a red flag and a cop out. They made me lose 50+ lbs before they would look into the reasons behind my pain. Weight loss did nothing for me and exacerbated my pain.

I am living proof that all that shit is a lie and a cop out. That is the point of this post. I cannot believe people with serious medical conditions are being forced to put their bodies through extreme duress just to be believed. You are not disabled because of laziness or because you sit a lot. Plenty of people live seditary lifestyles and do not live in constant excruciating pain (they may develop disabilities later in life due to this however, and should be doing preventative exercises to maintain their health)

Please, share my story with doctors. Use me as an example. I am proof that "exercise first treat later" does not work. I should not have had to wait years to have my pain validated. I'd rather hundreds of fakers get (what? A blood test? An MRI?) than one chronically ill person get told to try yoga and go away by a doctor.

[aristocratic-otter]

Hey y’all! I’m here, despite a shitty flare up of my fibro this week. I appreciate all of your art and writing so much, you have no idea! Thank you to : @emeryhall,  @monbons, @thewholelemon, @cutestkilla, @bookish-bogwitch, @best--dress, @blackberrysummerblog,@rimeswithpurple, @Iamamythologicalcreature, @artsyunderstudy, @theearlgreymage

Here’s one from each of my official WIPs

From Saving Simon Snow: 

 “What did he add?”

She thinks for a bit longer, but then shakes her head. “I don’t remember. We’ll have to ask him.”

“Ask me what?” comes a voice from above our heads. Baz is there, looking sleep tousled and heavy eyed. A knot of longing forms in my stomach and I suddenly want to drag him back into our (our!) bedroom and tumble him back into bed. I restrain myself, because I don’t really understand where Baz and I stand right now, and because Penny’s sitting right next to me. 

From the Heart in the Well

“Simon,” I breathe, “[Redacted] is one of the fae! Fairy kind disappeared centuries ago!”

Now Simon’s smile drops away. “Yeah, well tell him that. At least I know why we’re here now, though. It’s so stupid—you’d think it’d be safe to eat a loaf of bread someone left out on their porch.” 

Now I’m shocked and annoyed. “You mean you ate a fucking fairy offering, Snow? What in Morgana’s name is  wrong with you?

From Snow Fox: enter Premal

“Word has it,” Gareth drawls, as he strolls into camp, “a passel o’ Tory boys is lookin’ to sign up with the Snow Fox. Turning their coats, as it were.”

Penny lifts a skeptical brow from where she is sitting in the corner of my tent. She’s been poring over what we’ve gathered on British movements for the last several hours, and her eye has developed a bit of a twitch. “Says who?” she asks.

“Says Premal Bunce,” Gareth says. “Ran into him at the tavern.” 

From TikTok Dancer: 

.I frown for a moment about the freckles. How does he get enough sun on his arse for freckles? He’s got no visible tan lines…

I shake my head at my woolgathering. He’s probably a devotee of tanning salons, that’s all. Though it’s odd, I think, as I trace an outline of the constellation Leo by connecting some of his many markings. 

From Stars, Flowers, and Children,

He’s not looking at me now that he’s said his piece. His jaw is locked, and his arms are crossed over his strong chest, which is heaving from exertion. He’s staring out over the horizon with a fixed look on his face. Probably pretending I don’t exist. 

And I don’t. I don’t exist to him now. And it’s my own damned fault. 

From Cupid’s Shield:

It’s 12:30 pm on February 14th, and the day has been so unseasonably warm that most of the school has taken their luncheon out to the Great Lawn to picnic in small groups. Penny and I are no exception.

I spent my entire morning in a pleasant glow of happiness, thanks to my mysterious Valentine sender. 

I think, whoever she is, she’s grown more skilled each year, because this morning’s card looked worthy of being displayed in a museum. I couldn’t do more than gape at it, for a long moment. I think I also wanted to delay touching it, because the feelings trapped inside have become more potent as each year has gone by. And it’s started to really bother me that someone in the World of Mages loves me so much and I’ve got no notion of who she is. It feels unfair, unbalanced or something. 

From my COBB project:

Penelope Bunce and Christie McCoy take the second room on the left without comment. That means, since Rhys and I are sharing the first room on the right, that Simon Snow and Baz Pitch are left to share my old room, the second on the right. 

I don’t know if the two men expected to have rooms to themselves, but there’s definitely some odd subtext to their interaction when I offer them the final room with a silly flourish. They don’t laugh at me. They don’t even look at me. Instead, they’re eyeing each other intensely. Snow looks uncertain for the first time, and Pitch looks…if I didn’t know better, I’d say he looks scared. 

What’s there to be scared about in a bedroom?

Baz

And now we’re roommates again. Lovely. 

I’m also itching to start another WIP because I had a super angsty (meaning fun!) idea. But I must be good…if I finish Heart in the Well, I’ll let myself start it. The only teaser I’ll give now is it starts with an (apparent) major character death 😉 . 

Tags and cheers to: @chen-chen-chen-again-chen, @bazzybelle, @dragoneggos, @erzbethluna, @palimpsessed, @frjsti, @fatalfangirl, @letraspal, @martsonmars, @melodysmash, @moments-au-crayon22, @moodandmist, @mostlymaudlin, @onepintobean, @raenestee, @tea-brigade, @upuntil6am, @whogaveyoupermission, @messofthejess, @carryonsimoncarryonbaz, @krisrix, @shemakesmeforget, @larkral, @confused-bi-queer, @j-nipper-95, @facewithoutheart, @nightimedreamersghost,  @thewholelemon, @youarenevertooold, @nausikaaa, @ileadacharmedlife, @angelsfalling16, @noblecorgi, @alexalexinii,@you-remind-me-of-the-babe,@hushed-chorus, @whatevertheweather, @prettygoododds, @thehoneyedhufflepuff, @ivelovedhimthroughworse, @mooncello, @wellbelesbian, @ic3-que3n, @shrekgogurt, @cosmicalart, 

[tamberlanecomic]

July Newsletter

Hey everyone! Here are some general updates for everything that’s been going on and what you can expect for this month and throughout the summer.

Health Update

As some of you may remember, right after the Kickstarter closed I was knocked out by a one-two punch of a fibro flare and Covid. While I’ve been put through the wringer, I’m FINALLY feeling like I’m crawling back out from under this extended period of sickness.

I’m still dealing with some pain and fatigue due to my fibro flare-up, but it’s more or less back to the “normal” levels of what I’m used to, so overall I’m doing pretty good. I took some extra time to recuperate from Covid in the hopes of avoiding any long Covid effects, and while I am still taking it easy, I take a lot of joy in drawing and being forced to not indulge in any of my creative pursuits have made me all the more eager to get back into the swing of things. So, I’m still being careful, but I’m also easing back into work. 

I got so many amazing comments from patrons, readers, and Kickstarter backers all encouraging me to take as long as I needed to get better, and I can’t thank you enough for the kind words and well wishes! It was measurably easier to take some time off to rest knowing I had so many people cheering me on and encouraging me to do so, so thank you so much for taking the time to say something and for sending me words of support. <3 You da best!

Comic Updates

We’re moving right along, with 12 pages currently in the pipeline at various production stages. In fact, I’ve just put three new finished pages into the buffer for $10+ patrons today! Our priority right now is to get a healthy buffer so that I can have ample time and space to catch up on other work without impending deadline pressures.

Patreon Rewards

Next, I plan to knock out a good chunk of Patreon commissions for my $50+ folks. I’ve already been doing that here and there, but I want to make sure that the oldest ones are finished first. 

Likewise, due to the chaos of a sudden move and a lot of life changes, Ari didn’t send the May postcards out until today, so I apologize for the delays there – we’re getting back on track! June’s postcards have already been sent.

Speaking of, I’ve included some of the patron reward art I just finished last week!

Kickstarter News

We still need to finish the internal book edits, draw up the Q&As, format the information in the book, and finish formatting annotations. These are all things I had intended to get done both during and after the campaign but I was simply unable to keep up with it due to health reasons. Curse you, chronic illness! 

I am also going to explore another option for getting the softcovers printed locally, which is something I will only go with if the quality is up to my standards. But we're less than $5k away from being able to reprint Chapters 1-3 so if we're able to get a cheaper local deal with a good printer, I'm willing to explore the option! 

By the way, we are now officially sold out of Chapters 1 and 2 books, but you can help us reprint them by preordering them and other stuff through our Backerkit shop!

Preorder Here

We’ll be streaming edits in the Foxglove discord server, so be sure to keep an eye out on there!

New Pride Merch

For Pride month I launched two new apparel designs as part of our Pride collection! Choose from Agender or Non-Binary Ainsley or Biromantic or Transgender Marie on comfy shirts available in a wide range of colors and sizes. 

This collection also features downloadable Tales from Treehollow comics dealing with LGBTQIA+ themes. Come check it out!

Shop Now

Artfight

I’ve never done Artfight before, but I’m gonna try this year! It’ll be fun to have little warmup drawings I can squeeze in here and there between larger projects. 

If you’ve never heard of Artfight, it’s an annual art trading game where you “attack” by drawing other people’s characters. It seems really fun! If you’re participating and want to add me, here’s my profile:

https://artfight.net/~Cvilbrandt

Thanks all for reading! May this month be ever better!

[shrimp-bird]

I had my first non-epileptic seizure last night in almost a year leading into one of the worst migraines i've ever had and I am pretty bummed about it, although I feel less guilty then I used to. It has had me thinking about correlations amd the comorbidities between functional neurological disorder, fibromyalgia, and migraines. I wonder if there is a correlation in the overexcitability in the nervous system? Fibro sends off pain and other signals willy nilly, at least in my case my nonepileptic seizures are odd in that they correlate with what you might see in interictal epileptiform activity in temporal lobe epilepsy, what you'd expect with some migraines, and indeed my episodes do come with migraines which is responsible for all the aura stuff, the confusion, aphasia, and visual disturbances. So i wonder if maybe it is like my brain is sort of responding to a milder bioelectrical disturbance disproportionately? For an epileptic person, the seizure is like a hurricane, for me with the migraines and fnd it is a little summer storm and my brain being fried enough that that is enough to push it over. I am increasingly sure there is something to be said for how trauma effects the brain more deeply then the medical industry is currently capable of dealing with from their current view point. To admit that american and all imperial culture is not only not a healthy state of existence or reasonable baseline with which the individual merely fails to attune with but the main thing propagating damage to humans phyically and psychologically is just unthinkable. It is unthinkable because for those in the medical industry they attain their livelihood, status, and wealth from that basis. And that is very plainly evident in those issues propagated by the unwellness that is intrinsic to the violence the status quo neccessitates.

[cosmic-cd]

hmm. so i decidedly went ahead and bought Procreate Dreams. for anyone following me with an ipad and an interest in animation, who might've heard about the app...

i think the $20 price point will eventually be worth it but after spending some time with it i'd say like... wait a while.

CONCEPTUALLY the program is great! i think it's got a lot of really cool and powerful tools. but the UI minimalism is really making it hard to use, and it's buggy so far, which is to be expected from an app that just like, dropped yesterday

it's nice to draw in, the flipbook feature is very nice, and i can see myself using it in the future, but right now i'm content to just kinda put it off to the side and wait a while... it's difficult to adjust things like timing, trying to select/edit multiple frames at once caused it to crash. it's very weird about where it puts its settings as well- you turn on onion skinning by... tapping the clock/timer in the lower left. there's nothing that even shows it's a button to be pressed.

lotta other things are locked to purely gestures with no menu alternative either, which is. annoying, because i don't like gestures and can't turn them off. no undo/redo buttons either, just gestures. and with fibro brain fog being as bad as it's been for me lately, i can't memorize a ton of hyperspecific gestures and other mysterious actions that could be done with a couple taps in a menu.

you can also only seemingly export in MOV, unlike procreate itself, which lets you export in tons of formats, and importing stuff's weird. can't get a handle on multiple layers either and there's no lasso/more advanced editing tools. there IS skewing/moving/rotating the image in timeline mode but that's not really what i need...

i really like normal procreate as is, i've had it for ages, and its animation tools are pretty robust despite being a lot simpler, so i'm hoping this one gets refined through user feedback and improves usability-wise... procreate has been like a stable and constantly improving app and it's come a long way since when i first bought it ages ago, so.. i have faith the devs'll keep poking at dreams too and improving it

but! TL;DR: highly recommend doing a little research before spending the $20, see if it works for you, but i think it's more ideal to wait on Procreate Dreams and see if it improves some/gets some needed bugfixes. huuuge potential. it's just not there yet on release

[vanilla-cigarillos]

My Practice and Chronic Illness

A fun fact about me, is that I’m someone who struggles with fibromyalgia on top of a myriad of other health issues (all of which are substantial in impacting my quality of life, but don’t come anywhere close to matching fibro’s toll). My practice (”magic, faith, etc”), as with many things in life, is heavily effected by said chronic illnesses. 

Living with fibromyalgia, I’m always tired. A heavy weight of exhaustion is always bringing me down to a state where some days it’s difficult to get out of bed. Taking care of myself with the bare necessities (eating, drinking water, etc) can sometimes prove to be all I manage within a day. Other times, the basics of self care (showering, washing my face) are the full extent to what I can manage. Living with a chronic illness sometimes means having to pick and choose what you spend energy on, because you have an extremely limited supply of capability. If you’re familiar with the “spoon theory” metaphor, you’ll gain a visual understanding of the assessment I have to make when I first wake up in the morning. Will I be able to cook myself a substantial meal today, or will I have to settle for low-energy snacks? Will I be able to attend my classes in person, or will I have to email the professor once again saying I can’t make it across campus?

With all of this in mind, practicing any sort of active faith can prove a challenge. The trials and tribulations of being born into constant pain have stripped me of the willingness to believe in an all-powerful and controlling God, and therefore I embraced the roots of Paganism that had been sewn into my childhood. Without going into my beliefs (may be reserved for another post) I’d like to detail how my practices interact with my chronic illnesses and lifestyle. 

I don’t attend church outside of my own home. My home, rather, is my church. I currently have two alters, both of which are new additions to my living space and I plan to add to their structures soon. 

However, outside of these spaces I treat my home as a temple. I wholeheartedly believe in treating my belongings with care and respect. I treat my home as if it had its own spirit, acting as its caretaker with my chores and cleaning. My home and its belongings protect and serve me, therefore I return the gesture. On days where I am having tremendous amounts of pain, I can relax and feel protected in a space that I have tended to and made my own. Whenever my chronic illnesses refuse to allow me out of the home, I feel the most connected to my faith because my house has become the temple through which I harbor my practices. 

I don’t pray to any specific entity. While I believe in nature herself having a spirit and presence, I don’t believe in prayer as a means to communicate with that which I have faith in. Instead, I show my intent and faith through actions. Tending to my alters, opening windows and letting nature seep into my temple, incorporating the outside world into my life, are all ways that I show my faith. I refuse to kill other creatures simply for existing within my space. Insects, pesky or otherwise, are all free to live when entering my home. All of nature’s creations have a soul, and I won’t snuff any out for the sake of my own comfort. I thank them all for what they do to keep the planet in motion, and I value nature’s ability in being able to create such life. Through this outlook on praying, I’ve found it easier to manage my chronic illnesses. Living with consistent, near agonizing pain creates a desperation that makes praying an act soaked with finality. When I was younger, I used to be spend hours of horrible sleepless nights praying to God to take away my pain just so I could catch a few hours of slumber. Expectations and hope made me bitter and removed, seeing my pain as some kind of wicked punishment from a god that refused to give me a chance to live an easier life. Through this unconventional perspective on prayer, I remove those expectations and allow myself to come to contented terms with my condition.

I don’t put any stress on myself to practice. Intent, in my opinion, cannot be purely felt whenever someone is forcing themselves to conduct any faith work. Instead of pressuring myself to fulfill a spell quota of the day, or perform any ceremonial rituals I don’t have the energy for, I look at self care as a type of worship and magic. Cooking food for myself and others is creating magic within the bounds of necessity. Creating beautiful flavors to fuel my body and flood my mind with serotonin gives me a sense of purpose on days where I was unable to leave the house. Showering and taking care of my body is a ritualistic act of self love. I put intent into my hair, protection into my skin care, and I honor my mind by allowing these gentle acts of worship to be moments of peaceful silence where all I focus on is myself. 

I honor my faith and practice through gentle care and self guidance. I believe that we all need to incorporate our faith into our lives, not the other way around. That way we are best able to serve through the trueness of who we really are, and our joy will be genuine as we indulge in whatever practice we choose. 

[danepopfrippery]

I like how Crazy Ex Gf ended man-less. I also loooove that music was her love cuz music was my earliest love. But unlike Rachel Bloom i not only had poor parents, but i lived in a world where ‘30,000 pop city’ was ‘big’ (yet another way my hoar mother ruined my life but thats not the point). Oh and most importantly: most of it was pre internet.

I tried local vocal lessons, they were a joke and she was the only teacher 3hrs around. Id try for choir and extra choir stuff but they always left me hanging (private vocal lesson was my teacher ran an errand for 30 mins while i seethed). Band teachers were as bad and of ni help. And of course my hoar mother did nothing but discourage anything that made noise or reminded her i was alive (id walk i shit you not, 2 miles in the snow, for those useless lessons).

Later when i moved mildly less rural (nearest big town was 100,000 and half hr away) i got a better teacher and the stuff he taught me still is in there, but objectively he wasnt a good teacher (he couldnt take me beyond very basics, like shit u can knock out in 5 youtube vids now). And my lessons for vocal and piano were $50 and that was a lot for poor ppl.

When i moved to the city i tried my own vocal lessons but even when i found good i couldnt afford them w rent, and they were now $100. Id given up on piano and guitar except little bursts where id try to teach myself.

Finally i hit la and gave up entirely. Id been fighting 10 years and la rent doesnt leave room for extras. Years later i took vocal and trumpet classes at pcc which is really renowned and had pretty decent staff. I liked the vocal teacher, trumpet claimed u could be a beginner but expected u had done xyz despite that. I gave up when fibro and rent overwhelmed me. I did try harder on self voice and my asshole ex claimed he thought i was good despite 1) me never believing that and 2) not aware he ever heard me.

Back in 100,000 rural hell i took to youtube for the first time plus apps. Its early but i can tell it wouldve really made a dif back then if youtube had existed.

I guess this rant is cuz in the show Rebecca (who was bad with money and that came to a head end of s1 and then was literally never mentioned again) presumably still has enough money for equipment and frequent lessons despite pretzels. And she learns and does well in a year.

Could u imagine what america would be like if we actually supported the arts for people who dont make $100,000 a year? I hear beautiful singers all the time or at least when i used to go out. They got 5 kids and are running errands and would declare learning that stuff ‘not for ppl like us’ and/or the famous ‘wont make me any money.’

Yup in this time and place making money on art is harrrrd esp music even for big deal ppl. But why cant we just study and love it for fun? Ugh.

So i loved the ending but it did leave me a little salty

[innocencelives]

continuing retrospectives: whats new, and what has always been —infinite reflections on the truth

past few months have been hard, the episode is ongoing bc insurance and doctors have failed at getting me on a new med. a month ago i finally got prescribed a new one and im still trying to figure out how to get my insurance to pay for it, they have arbitrary rules abt what meds to take with other meds.

the episode is…all over the place. the depression is obviously the most excruciating, silent and unknowingly creeping its way through my veins until its all ive known and all i ever will know-until it ends, also silent, also unknowingly. the anxiety: paranoia more like, intense paralyzing social fear that defies all logic and lapses into absurdity but never stretches into psychosis or delusion. never. terrible, painful bodily fear that everything i do is wrong and everyone knows it. im eating nachos wrong, im walking wrong, my hair, my sweater, my face, im moving my hands wrong, there all thinking it, your friends think it, the stranger across the street he thinks it. everytime i ask my friends “wtf are u talking abt we love you your acting the same as always!” (hands shaking as i throw the nachos away bc im spilling all over myself and consider it too hard to continue).

the sleep, oh my god the sleep. i dont think there is a human on earth with a sleep schedule as erratic and random and life-ruining as mine. slept 20 hours a day for 4 days, then i couldnt sleep an hour a day for a few days. slept all day-up all night, slept in two 6 hour shifts, cant fall asleep, cant wake up, cant stay asleep, cant stay awake, cant be remotely normal. the fatigue, and the brain fog is worse than losing a limb. i know i know that sounds mad, its how i feel. the sleep doctor i see every 3 few months for 20 minutes who reccomends me a podcast: “i just dont buy it….i dont buy it”. okay. i mean…gaslighting??? medical gaslighting?? so your telling me, a person with 3rd degree burns, to put a band aid on it shutup and dont be delusional? get in line dude. ive seen worse than you.

and the trauma…oh the trauma. the undercurrent of my broken life till 16 yrs old, then the drowning, all consuming, omnipresent anvil for the next 10 yrs. how, how do you expect me to disentangle the symptoms of life altering complex trauma from the symptoms of various or perhaps a few life altering physical ailments? they both overlap constantly. and both, hilariously, remain undiagnosed.

yep you read that right, the person whos been on meds since 14 yrs old, experienced incestuous rape, unrelenting brain fog and fatigue, foot pain since a child that immobilizes me everyday, various experiences w excruciating stomach pain, low back pain, upper back/neck pain, i was diagnosed w adhd and tic disorder officially, they threw severe sleep apnea and a couple sleep disorders on top recently, what am i missing. oh yea my lazy eye is so terrible i close one eye to see most of the day. a lot of those remain mysteries, or undiagnosed.

my psych tried to put it one way: my mental health symptoms are a little bit of this and a little bit of that, i have bits and pieces of different things. maybe i have complex trauma and a specific rare insane gene disorder, or a few chronic conditions, or a PD and complex trauma, or complex trauma and schizotypal and avpd and lyme disease or complex trauma and fibro and bpd and a piece of my brain missing, who knows man. one things true: (not according to my family) i have complex trauma. and that can have far reaching physical implications.

ive been talking to the psych and my social worker friends abt perhaps flying to the mayo clinic or something similar. a bunch of appointments in a week or two w tons of specialists and tests with an integrated approach to get (as they call it) “the right answer, the first time”. or essentially some diagnosis/es

. . .

a horrible, liberating truth. there is no going back, there is no closing pandoras box. once i knew, i couldnt unknow.

how can i be believed enough to dispell the internalized disbelief,

validated enough to erase the gaslighting,

tell enough people my perverted past to erase the feelings of secrecy,

have enough chosen family to forget every relative,

recieve every ounce of love and care for the infinite time i spent denied of it,

jack off enough times to gross porn until i understand the abuse,

cry enough tears till im empty, empty enough blood till im dry,

fall through enough rocks till i hit the bottom,

when will it ever be enough.

im so tired of it, im so sick of it. im done with it. you can have it back. 16 year old jamie, seduced by the feelings of freedom and truth, put it back, dont read it, dont look too hard, dont think about it too much, do not pull that string it will all unravel i promise you.

im a barren husk of a boy. a shell of who i once thought i was. a paralyzed, broken, catatonic, defective 26 yr old failure who peeked at the man behind the curtain and saw something they could not unsee. i could have never in my wildest fears predicted a life quite as chaotic as this one. it feels like a curse, that i’ll never know a life without a childhood like mine.

its like a poisonous music to my ears, hypnotic and sweet while it tears me apart, hearing just what it truly was. i feel a bit more free, a bit more whole everytime i tell someone. everytime i use the dirty words, incest, sex abuse, sexual violence, molestation blech blech blech gross yuck. nasty. but the disgust, the shock, the genuine look of horror on anyones face as they react to those words is like a hug!-they know. they feel that way to. it was that bad. it did happen. the mere thought of it to a stranger is enough to ruin the vibe. ohhhhhhh if you only knew, if you only knew.

scream it from the roof tops, tattoo it on me, put it right under jamie on my hello my name is sticker, put it in the first sentence of my biography and the first sentence of my obituary. as long as they know my name they will know my truth. my horrible, liberating, truth.

[lambsearandlavender]

Actually i also keep forgetting and then remembering randomly that the hospital did blood work on me this last week and there were several things out of normal range,

And most of them could be explained as severe dehydration which ok that's fair,

But most of them also mentioned potential liver and kidney disease and potential cancer of the blood.

And um, that's not the first bloodwork I've had in the past year or two that's mentioned kidney, liver, and blood cancer as possible explanations. And none of the numbers are super out of range but I feel like it's come up enough times to start making me nervous. But my doctor usually makes me feel better bc she tells me how far out of range it would have to get for her to worry and I'm like ok yeah, I'm nowhere near that, but like idk.... it keeps coming up

Idk i had kidney stones and recurring pancreatitis a couple years ago so maybe my kidneys are just out of whack sometimes now. Idk how kidneys work. I'm tired of learning new body systems in intense detail with every diagnosis..

I haven't really written here yet about my recent hospital stay, and I intend to, but I felt that same way at the hospital when everyone got really worried about my heart, and I was like ok what could be wrong with my heart, and I started googling to get a basic understanding of what I could be dealing with or what questions I need to be asking and I was like.... good lord. I know seizures and so much neurophysiology. I know cfs and fibro, I know the pineal gland. I don't know shit about hearts. And i started reading and I was so EXHAUSTED to think, shit do I need to become intimately familiar with this organ and all its potential diseases too? How much do I need to read and learn? This is a whole new illness potentially that I know nothing about and haven't researched??

Sigh. I'm so tired. I hoped to come out with answers and solutions. Now i have some answers that mean there AREN'T solutions, and more questions we didn't expect to have to ask.

I'm tired. I'm so tired. I want to rest. I want to feel good. I want to be done.

[failfemme]

i could write a novel on the use of fibro as a catch-all or diagnosis of exclusion and also on the way doctors will just. give up on fibro pain/label any pain that doesn’t immediately respond to meds for ur other conditions as fibro pain

[huphilpuffs]

i know i’ve been ranting a lot but oops gonna do it again

[siverfanweedo]

i am gonna take a second here and talk about fibromyalgia.

The first time i ever heard about it was in the show "haters back off" it was played as a joke. Note the show was so bad i legit felt like my brain had left my body but.... i will never forget it. The jokes how it was talked about how they said the word wrong and how that is how i spell it fibro my alge uh. The first time this illness was presented to me it was played as a joke someone who clearly it fine and just wanted special attention the only person who took it seriously was someone who thought disabilities where sexy... this was... probably not even a year before my work injury.

Fibromyaliga can be triggered in many ways. Trauma being an actual bit of it. The thing is, there is no damage for firbo despite the pain in all my joints there isn't damage ( note it seems mussel pain is more common but i have joint pain ). I got hurt and work and here i am and i have no doubts childhood trauma never helped anything either. Fibro also isn't just like pain. It's chronic fatigue i feel i don't need to explain that to much i reblogged the fatigue scale not to long ago.

i also have, ibs, chronic headaches/migraines, brain fog.

I have learned as well many things are corbid with firbo. ADHD, Autism, PTSD, POTS, non 24-7 sleep wake disords, the list probably goes on.

My thought here is. Fibromyaglia is weird and JKR making light of ir probably treating it as a fake 'wanting attetion' kinda thing is disgusting. It makes me feel hurt and unsafe in a world that already feels like it judges me and expects me to be abled cuz i look it.

All that stuff her 'villain' has i pretty much have it. It changed my life so much the whole thing was really traumatic. I was lucky i got diagnosed but it took 3 years. I lost all my dreams in those 3 years i had to restart my life i lost so much. I don't like to put suffering at the center of my disabled experience. I have learned to find new joy in life i have leard to work through the pain and tiredness and how to just live.

I don't want what i have been through to be mocked i don't want it to be painted as suffering. Cuz like once you paint a disabled life as suffering it quickly leads abled people to think eugenics is okay.

this like really got out of hand i guess but my main take away here is. DO NOT like JKR add to the dialogue of fibro or CFS/ME or allodynia as fake attention seeing BS. Learn about all these things on your own and fucking educate people if you can. DO NOT talk over disabled people while doing so but please protect us. JKR target has never soly been trans women. She has been an ablest fuck for years as she targeted autstic trans men years before her 2020 tweet, and oh guess what lots of austic trans men have fibromyalgia ain't that neat.

BUT YEAH!. uh fuck JKR my illness are real.

[magnetarmadda]

For the WIP game: "Beholding is a gossip queen" and "Time Travel AU: I’m A Sucker For A Kind Word"!

So the time travel AU is something I'm working on for the fiction podcast Big Bang, and there's a promo post for it! Basically: s5!Martin arrives in 2016 a few months before s5!Jon, and he's like "oh shit I have to save the world???" all while fighting backing the Forsaken and trying not to get spotted by Elias. It's not quite as deep into an exploration of Martin as I wanted it to be, but that's because my dissertation and my fibro are regularly competing for how much of my life they can suck up--but I've got plans to do some one-shots set in that world to go back to some ideas I had to cut out of the big document for time's sake. And the title is from a song I really, really love by my favorite band of all time

And for the other one, @hihereami and I were just chatting one day about something unrelated and made a joke about the Eye being fond of gossip. It spiraled into an actual conversation and a crack fic idea being treated semi-seriously, and the subtitle is "Jon subsists on gossip instead of trauma." Basically, Jon and Martin go to the village one day in the Scottish safehouse period, and then there's some local tea spilled and the Eye is like "whoa this is tasty why haven't I been eating this for years?"

It's gonna be pretty goofy tbh, but I also started toying around a lot with the idea of "well, okay yeah, they're the Fears but what about more mundane types of fear could exist?"--the fear of being talked about by gossipy old ladies in your town for instance--and it's also becoming a bit of a "how to break down the supernatural horrors haunting your world with some Quirky Ideas", which I did not expect lol

This is only the second time Jon’s come with Martin to the village, and the first time hardly counts—he was so worried about slipping back into the Lonely, and Jon was just as anxious about him walking there and back. Now, though, after two weeks in the safehouse, Jon is starting to go stir crazy, and he’s rejected nearly every book Martin’s brought back to try to appease him.

So Martin has insisted Jon comes with him today. They’ll pick up some groceries, hit the crafts store for another skein of yarn for Martin, and then wander into the bookshop for Jon’s entertainment.

It takes hardly any time to get through the little market. Martin chats with the cashier, Marie, who he’s seen every time he’s come in. He introduces Jon, who blushes a vibrant pink at Marie cooing at “your cute boyfriend, Martin,�� and asks after her grandchildren.

Jon seems unsurprised at this development, only smiling up at Martin while he listens and reacts to Marie’s stories. The transaction is over when she chimes in with, “Oh, and Odelia, the woman who owns the pub? We just found out about her son, and I don’t mean to be a gossip, but you mentioned wanting to try the food, so I dropped your name when she came in this morning.”

“Oh?” Martin asks politely, knowing he’s about to find out that someone’s son is gay.

But something strange happens before Marie can continue. Jon, his eyes switching to that eerie green, asks, ”What about Odelia’s son?”

And Marie answers cheerfully enough, if more direct than she might’ve otherwise been. But Martin sees the horror in Jon’s face at first, and then how his expression…changes.

To end the interaction and find out what just happened to Jon, Martin smiles politely at Martin and says, "Well, tell Odelia we'll stop by soon for dinner, and that if she has questions, we'll do our best to help. Thanks, Martin! See you soon!"

He practically drags Jon out after him, and when they’re clear of the storefront, he whips around and demands, “what the fuck was that Jon?”

“I…I think the Eye likes…gossip?”

"What?"

[train-heartnet-xiii]

okay, things have been hectic here.

for one thing, I seem to be having a period of time where I’m getting more frequent than normal migraines again. typically stress causes that.

we had issues with the tub getting shipped, it arrived much later than expected and we haven’t been able to get it installed yet. we could have called a professional to install it but dad’s sure between me and him we can do it okay. which has already led to me being out of commission for three days after helping him get it up the breezeway steps. we did it on a Saturday, I reminded him if we waited one more day my friend who I give rides to would help us. he wanted it done That Very Moment. he thinks it was no big deal, meanwhile while I’m not out of commission anymore my pain levels are still higher than normal since then.

we’ve also managed to finish getting my dad a new primary care physician finally. he kept on getting assigned new ones which then retired after seeing him one or two times. this made getting to a urologist to get a urine issue he was a little concerned about checked as he had to have an active PCP in order for his insurance to cover a specialist and he kept on having doctors retire before he could get to that point.

well, we’re all set now and two Mondays ago he had his first visit with one. which was lucky. the Saturday before the visit he had blood in his urine and now in just about12 hours he’s going to have a procedure done to take a biopsy of the growth the doctor found doing a quick bladder scope to see if it’s cancerous or what. the doctor isn’t too worried because the growth is growing outward and not into the bladder lining which makes dealing with it easier no matter what it turns out to be.

so, for a month I’m going to have to be taking care of him as now he’s going to have a 20 lb weight lifting limit and need a special diet to keep his urine’s acidity down so he can heal better. I’m going to have to drive for at least the first two weeks, keep him away from coffee, black tea, hot sauce, and a lot of other stuff he likes, make sure he doesn’t start doing yard work more strenuous than he should be doing, and wait for at least another month before we get the new tub in and I can start bathing/showering more frequently (since last time I showered my leg nearly gave out and last time I bathed I almost needed help getting up, but he’s in no hurry since he’s fine showering without a stool to sit on).

I have a feeling by the end I’ll at least have one more day where I have an emotional breakdown like last month where he started off about how he’s an old man and I should be helping him more and I start reminding him about what I am doing and how I’m doing more than I use to since I realize that but also I’m disabled and if I do too much I’m going to be able to do a lot less. and he went on to tell me I need to do more since he’s old, then I went on about how he’s belittled my disability, how he’s worked me to collapse on occasion despite my ME/CFS and fibro, how he’s literally left me on the ground after I fall and can’t get up on my own for a half an hour or longer, how when I tell him I’m in no condition to cook on a given day he just tells me not to worry he’ll just scrounge I just need to cook for myself as if that’s any easier. I told him I feel like he’s always dismissed just how limiting my disabilities can be at times and not offered me help I need for my limitations and now that he’s having more limitations of his own he’s expecting me to push myself past my limits to make up for his limitations...

he then went back to going on about how he’s got more limitations and he needs more help and I should be doing more.

shit, I cook for both of us, I help out with chores that I can, I help with tech related stuff including online banking and bill payments, I ask him if he needs help every time he falls and I’m aware of it, I frequently ask if he needs help lifting heavy stuff unless I’m having an especially bad pain flare, I do as much as I can and sometimes push myself further than I should to contribute what I can. it makes me feel like I’m nothing more than a burden no matter how much I do.