#FUCK that cracker ass bitch

[girluimfailing]

Girl someone said damian looks like he kills puppies because they are "lesser and weaker creatures" Tim fans plz die

[crybaby-bkg]

toxic situationship with Bakugou where he keeps telling you that he can’t be in a relationship with you because he’s a pro and he’s so busy and you won’t love him the way he would love you because of his temper and all that other self destructive bullshit.

but he can’t help going over to your place on nights where he has a late hour patrol, climbing onto your balcony and tapping on the window until it wakes you. can’t help but grumble about having a hard shift, or a shitty night, or how your place is just closest to his agency. you beat yourself up for accepting him every time, but it’s hard not to when he holds your waist and tips your mouth so sweetly to his.

toxic situationship with Bakugou who doesn’t want to take you out publicly in fear of villains going after you, but he watches every video you post of you hanging out on late nights. dancing and drinking and enjoying yourself, flirting with different people and posting it on a private story that he has access to. always comments something passive aggressive and petty underneath, but if you ask him to take you out for brunch the next morning, it’s another bullshit excuse on why he can’t.

just…..him wanting you but scared of the commitment, but he also can’t lose you in fear of you finding someone better. so he’ll sabotage every chance he gets when it comes to you finding someone who will post you, who will go out with you publicly, who will give you a label that’s concrete and meaningful.

[apollo-zero-one]

Man I can't believe I had the chance to go to a performing arts school up through middle school and I fuckin quit after 6 months just because I got bullied. BRO YOUR HOMEWORK WAS POETRY!! YOU HAD TO PRACTICE DANCING TO COTTON EYE JOE AS YOUR BIG UNIT TEST. GYM CLASS HAD A CIRCUS UNIT!! YOU HAD A WHOLE DAILY CLASS ON IMPROV!!! YOU FOOL!! YOU ABSOLUTE IMBICILE!! YOU COULD HAVE BEEN A YOUTUBER!!! YOU COULD HAVE BEEN ONE OF THOSE TWEENAGERS GETTING LOADED BY MAKING SHITTY YOUTUBE SHORTS IN 2008-14!! But noooOoooOOOoo little miss Noellie (who WANTED TO GO!! who worked SO HARD and sent in an application essay and did an INTERVIEW to get in!!) couldn't handle disruptive classmates or little scuffles and petty grudges and general Attitude of the other students and cried to mommy to put her back in public school. I am EATING MY HAIR over what Could Have Been. I COULD BE SOMEONE'S ANNOYING YOUTUBER!! I could be a DISGRACED DISNEY CHANNEL STAR!! I could be an America's Got Talent winner! A mild to moderately successful comedian! I could be making short films!! But no no no precious thin skinned baby me heard a few new cus words and watched a teacher get heckled and begged to give up The Dream in favor of?? Quiet math tests?? I am such a fucking quitter I quit everything the second it gets too hard I always take the out as soon as it's offered what's my fucking damage.....

[harmonybarmy]

so painful knowing that I have the stomach of an 85 year old man.

[samandcolbyownme]

Summary: anon request - "can you write a smut for johnnie guilbert??"

Prompt: Johnnie and reader get into an argument which leads to make up sex.

Warnings: SMUT18+, strong language, arguing, hair pulling, pet names (dirty and cute), oral (m rec), unprotected rough makeup sex, filth

Word count: 2.6k | not edited

╔═══━━━─── • ───━━━═══╗

Johnnie has been working on editing his and Jake's video all day.

You think, no. You knew he forgot about them.

It wouldn't be as big of a deal if this was only the first time, maybe even the second or third - But it wasn't.

Over the last few weeks, you've had to either cancel or forget about plans because of Johnnie putting majority of his time into his computer screen rather than you.

You didn't really talk to anyone about it, or say anything to Johnnie, mainly because this is his job and you didn't think you had any room to bitch.

You checked your phone, sighing at the time - twenty minutes past reservation.

You used to remind him, then after the thirteenth, fourteenth, and fifteenth time, you decided that he should be able to put down the computer for an hour or two on his own, so you decided to just let things go.

You never really blamed him, sometimes it was because he actually had deadlines to make, or a video he and Jake were doing ran long.

But when that wasn't the case, you used yourself as an excuse - not feeling well, didn't sleep good the night before, something simple yet believable.

You rise up from the couch, walking towards Johnnie's room. You pass Jake in the hallway and he makes a joke you're in no mood for, "Fix your face, you look pissed."

His laughter is silenced when you roll your eyes, "I am."

"Uh oh."  Jake puts his hands on his hips, shifting his weight onto his right leg, "What did Johnnie do?"

You shake your head and cross your arms, looking away from him because you didn't want him to see the frustrated tears in your eyes.

"Am I going to hear yelling?" He asks and you nod, laughing slightly, "Probably."

"Shit." He sighs, "Well if you need backup, just yell- ooh. We should have a code word."

You stare at him, trying not to laugh as he taps his chin, "Hippopotamus."

"Hippop- Jake. Really?" You laugh and he shrugs, "Well yeah, if you just scream hippopotamus, that will for sure throw him off even more, then I can come in with an open can of whoop ass."

He moves his hands in front of him, a serious look on his face that you just cannot take serious, "Okay. I don't think I'll need it, but I appreciate the support."

You pat his shoulder, watching him walk away before taking a deep breath, returning to what you were originally doing.

You stop in front of Johnnie's door, composing yourself so you don't go in, already lit like a fire cracker.

You know twice before opening the door, "Hey."

Johnnie has his headphones on, so he probably didn't hear you. You walk in, closing the door behind you. You walk over to him, gently tapping him on the shoulder.

"Jesus fu-" he jumps and looks up at you, "Jesus Christ, babe." He sighs, "Scared the fucking shit out of me."

"Sorry." You smile slightly and sit on the bed, "Whatcha doin'?"

He pulls his headphones down around his neck, "Just working on getting this video out."

You nod, "Cool. Cool.”

You look around his room, picking at your nails as you try and figure out how to calmly start the conversation.

"What's wrong?" Johnnie asks turning his chair towards you. You look over at him and shrug, "We just.." you laugh slightly, "It's not really funny, but we missed our dinner reservation."

He looks in the corner of his computer, "Oh fuck. I'm sorry." He looks up, "Why didn't you tell me?"

You scoff, raising your brows as you lower your voice, "I shouldn't have to."

"What? Sorry. I didn't quite hear you clearly." Johnnie closes his lap top and sets it on the desk.

You roll your eyes, lying back with a groan, "I'm not arguing with you Johnnie."

"I'm sorry, I must missed the part where I said we were?" He takes his headphones from around his neck,  setting them on top of his closed computer.

You sit up, letting out a sigh, "I said, I shouldn't have to tell you when we have plans, Johnnie." You let your hands fall into your lap with a slap, "I let it go for a while, only because I didn't think I have a right to be mad, but you constantly editing and this or that is effecting us."

"So what.. are you saying?" He stares at you with a solid look, "You're going to leave? All because I'm doing my fucking job?"

"No." Your words come out louder than you intended, "I never fucking said I was leaving, Johnnie. All I said was that I shouldn't have to fucking remind you time and time again that we have plans for us. You and me. Boyfriend and fucking girlfriend!"

"Other than right now, name one fucking time me doing this made us miss out on something." He motions for you to take the floor and you sigh.

"Sam and Colby were throwing a party, I told them you had a deadline to make so we wouldn't make it. Tara was throwing a party, I told her I didn't feel good because you stayed up all night and half the day working on a video. Last week we missed out on dinner, again, because you didn't pay attention to the time. Two weeks ago, Jake wanted us to go with him to one of his other friend's parties, but you decided to get on and stream. Do you want me to keep going?" You raise your brows and lean forward slightly, "Because I can."

Johnnie laughs, "So.. you're telling me that you couldn't just come to me an hour or so before and tell me to get off? You're just blaming me for every time you missed out on going when you could have just gone yourself?"

"You want me to go to dinner, for two..  alone?" You tilt your head back, "You are being so unbelievable right now."

You stand up and Johnnie's eyes follow you. Your hands go to your hips as you pace back and forth, "I'm trying to get you to understand that I want- I need time with you, too Johnnie."

"You get time with me, y/n. I don't understand why you're so worked up over me d-"

"Because it's all you fucking do Johnnie. You're always filming a video. Editing a video. Uploading a video. Something with a stupid video." You turn to face him, "I want to go out to dinner, enjoy time with just us. Do you think I want to go to parties alone? It's no fun when I don't have you there."

He sighs, looking down, "So.." he looks up at you, "You waited until it was what, twenty minutes or so after our reservation time to come in here and make a huge scene that could have been avoided?"

You laugh, mouth dropped open as you stare at him, "Are you ever going to actually listen to what I'm saying or am I just wasting my breath being a broken record?"

"I am listening, you're just not getting what I'm saying, y/n."

"No. Trust me. I get it. Loud and clear." You motion to his computer, "I'll just leave you to it then."

You turn to walk towards the door, reaching to open it but Johnnie's hand stops you, "Don't."

"Don't what? Leave so I can sit here in silence while you continue to do what got us here in the first place?" You turn your head to look at him and he shakes his head, "No."

He grabs your wrist, pulling you towards the bed, "Were done talking about this."

"No.. I don't think we a-"

He cuts you off with his lips on yours. His hands pull your waist into him, "We're done talking for right now."

"You can't ju-"

"Don't run your mouth anymore, and I won't run mine anymore." He kisses down your neck, "We can talk after we get all of this frustration out."

A smile creeps into your lips, even though you're still mad. But, no worries. Johnnie will take care of that for you right away.

"Fine." You give in, sitting down on the bed. You pull him with you, his body hovering over yours, "Shut me up."

He smirks, tilting his head, "Gladly." He sits up on his knees, taking off his shirt. His hands move to his belt and you sit up to replace his hands with your own.

You glance up at him as you undo his jeans, biting your lip as you anticipate what's about to happen.

He nods towards the floor and you pull your legs out from in between his and move, dropping to the floor as he stands up.

He pushes his jeans down, and you move over to him, pulling down his boxers before he sits down on the edge of the bed.

He leans back, holding his weight up with his hands as he watches you move in between his legs. He sucks in a sharp breath as you wrap your hand around his cock.

His eyes following you as you lean in, sticking your tongue out to lap at the head of it. He groans lowly, balling up the blanket in his fists, "Fuck."

You work him into your mouth, coating him with your spit as his jaw hangs slack, "That's it."

You lift your head, moving your hand up and down to coat him fully before leaning back in to bob your head up and down.

His eyes flutter shut as a moan escapes quietly.

You look up at him, dragging your tongue up the underside of his cock as you tilt your head back.

"All the way in, babe." Johnnie places a hand on the back of your head, gently nudging you to come back for more.

You lick your lips, leaning in to take his cock back into your mouth. You bob your head, working further and further down, until you can feel him in your throat.

He groans, stroking the back of your head as you hold yourself there. You squeeze your eyes shut, digging your nails into his thighs before you pop back off, glancing up at him before going back in.

You lift your head, bobbing your head slowly as your tongue flattens against his cock.

"Fuck. Why didn't we just do this first.." He gasps as you sink your head all the way onto him, groaning as bucks his hips slightly, "Fuck okay. Okay."

He lifts your head, cupping your cheeks as he nods to the bed, "Get undressed then lay down."

You move to your feet quickly, pulling your shirt over your head before fumbling to undo your pants. You kick them off, getting ready to climb onto the bed when Johnnie stops you.

"Ah, ah. Panties too, sweetheart."

You nod, pushing them down and kicking them off before finally climbing onto the bed. You turn, facing him as you sit down.

He moves up in front of you, leaning in to kiss your neck. He pushes your body back as he moves his over yours.

He kisses down your chest and over to your boob, taking your nipple between his teeth. You gasp as he bites down, hands moving to his hair to mess it up more, "J-Johnnie.."

You whine, slightly moving your hips, "Please."

He kisses back up, to your lips, moving to lay beside you. He rolls you over so you're laying on your side, hand sliding under your thigh to lift up your leg.

You bite your lip as his hand slides down your body, stopping at your clit to rub small circles onto it.

You arch your back away from his chest, "P-please."

He rests his chin against your head as he slides his fingers down to dip them inside of you, “We don’t need to argue.” His voice is light, quiet, “We should always just fuck it out..”

He slowly moves his fingers in and out, “And then talk. Doesn’t that sound much better?”

You nod, “Y-yeah. So much better.”

“That my girl.” He kisses your head and moves his hand to grab his cock, rubbing it against your pussy a few times before slowly slipping in, “Fuck.”

His arm slides over your waist, hold you to him as he pushes in. You tilt your head back and his lips meet your neck, sucking a spot which earns an even louder moan from you.

“Fuck..” you breathe out, “Johnnie..”

He groans lowly, tightening his grip as he starts to thrust. Your foot rests on his leg as you keep your leg raised, moaning with each of his thrusts.

You lay your hand on his arm, digging your nails in as his thrusts grow harder.

“F-fuck.” You whimper, “Keep going.”

He moans, digging his fingers into your skin, “You feel so fucking good.” He pulls you closer to him as you push your hips back, dragging your nails down his arm , “Yes, yes, yes!”

He pushed your body forward, sitting up and getting on his knees behind you. He pulls your hips up, quickly placing his cock back into you.

Your cheek rests against the bed as you moan, pulling the blanket as his thrusts go right back to being rough.

Your eyes roll back, a string of moans leaving your lips in a constant loudness.

You yelp out as his hand makes contact with your ass with a hard smack. He brings his leg up, giving his cock a new angle that drives you absolutely crazy.

“Such a good fucking girl.” He groans out as he tilts his head back. He brushes his hair from his face before reaching up to grab a handful of your hair.

You tilt your head back, lifting your self up onto your elbows, “F-fuck. Fuck.”

“Wait for me, baby.” Johnnie moans, “Almost there.”

He tugs your hair, pushing his cock all the way, pausing for a second before continuing to thrust, “Shit.”

He lets go of your hair, gripping your hips. You moan, trying hard not to cum like he wants. You push your hips back, whining out as he makes it harder, “P-please.”

Johnnie’s thrusts grow sloppy, “Cum for me.”

Not even the end of his words and you’ve already let go, becoming a whimpering, moaning mess under him as you squeeze his cock repeatedly.

A few seconds later, he pulls out, spilling his cum onto your lover back and ass.

“Fuck.” He strokes himself a few times before falling back and sitting down. You lay down, trying to control your breathing and he lays a hand on your thigh, “I’m sorry for not listening to you.”

“I’m sorry for coming off bitchy.” You laugh slightly, “I was just..” you pause for a second and sigh, “I let my frustration get the best of me.”

“I don’t blame you. I haven’t been fully with us lately, and I promise that..” he taps your leg with each word, “..right now, you have my attention whenever you want it.”

You turn your head to look at him, “You promise?” You hold out your pinky and he smiles as he wraps his around yours, “I promise.”

As Johnnie gets up to get something to wipe off with, Jake yells from the other side of door, “y/n? Do you need a hippopotamus?”

Johnnie looks at you super confused and you can’t help but laugh, “I’ll explain then.”

.·:*¨ ✘ ¨*:·.

This is my first ever Johnnie one shot, so please let me know how you liked it! I’m interested to hear what you have to say!

Thank you for reading! Love you all! 🖤

Likes and reblogs are greatly appreciated!

[fullfriendnerdclutch]

As expected, people commented about the fresh fade I got, gassing me up in the comment section of my latest post. It's not just fresh fade bro, it's a whole fresh body! They thought that Terrence is still the one in control of his own body, not knowing that he fell victim to my very own "Get Out" scheme HAHAH! Yeah, their mind wouldn't be able to comprehend just how fucked up that Terrence's creepy ass "cracker" of a geriatric neighbor wrestled his drugged self down and slid into his body to worn his skin. But anyway, what the fuck is this bitch Asha talked about me having different aura? She's actually a hot babe, maybe I can persuade Rick my poker buddy to slide into her and let me fucks his/her ass just like the old time......

[miniwheat77]

Awkward. (Gaz x Reader.)

!CW! NSFW, Smut, Virgin!reader, p in v sex, virginity loss, unprotected sex, awkward reader, mentions of reader being picky, violence, sorry if I missed any. This sat in my drafts forever lmao

(Lmao, it’s my time to shine bc I’m the most awkward bitch you’ll ever meet.)

Your face contorts in disgust as you look upon the contents of the MRE, you hated it. You’re carrying more than you should, trying to get to the mess hall. You lay them out on the countertop, going and sitting down. Pretty much the only thing you liked in this were the crackers. Soap sits down at your table, smile growing at his lips as he sees you eating the crackers. “Gross again?” He asks. “Always.” You mumble. When everyone else sits down at the table, you stand up to go get a water and Soap chuckles. “What’s funny?” Gaz asks. “She’s so awkward.” He mumbles. “Yeah, but she’s funny.” He shrugs. “Yeah, I like that she knows how awkward she is.”

“Do you remember when Captain Price put her on the spot in a meeting? She wanted to ring his neck.” Gaz laughs. Soap laughs too. “I don’t know, her awkwardness is cute.” Gaz shrugs. “Yeah it is, she just seems so…”

“Innocent? Oblivious? Yeah.”

You make your way back to the table, water bottle and crackers in hand. “You want my crackers too?” Gaz asks. “No, the smell of sin is making me nauseous,” you groan. “Sin?” Soap asks. “Yeah, the smell of whatever the fuck they put in those MRE’s is sin. You can’t change my mind.” You laugh. Gaz shakes his head. “How are you so picky?” He smiles. “Because, I hate everything.” You mumble. “Jeez, so uptight.” Soap mumbles. “Need to get laid little lady.” Soap tosses a packet of crackers your way, laughing as your cheeks heat up. You’re embarrassed and he can tell he’s struck a nerve. “Let’s not talk about who needs to get laid. You’re so touch starved, anything even mildly shaped like a woman turns you on.” You roll your eyes. “Hey, I never denied it.” He smiles. “Yeah, don’t go too crazy on the training mannequins.” You smirk, earning an eye roll from him.

—

“Hey Y/N.” Gaz smiles. You’re not expecting him and he startles you. You jump slightly, knocking over your capless water bottle and scrambling to pick it back up. “Oh shit!” You gasp. You stand up, trying to brush the water from your shirt. “H-hey Gaz. What’s up?” You ask. You hope he won’t be able to see your bright red cheeks but he can. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.” He chuckles. He passes you a few napkins from a table next to you. “I was wondering if you’d be my spotter tomorrow morning when I work out. Soap usually does it but he’s not feeling very good.” He says. “Uh.. yeah sure- yeah.” You laugh awkwardly.

He reaches out, taking the cap to your water bottle and screwing it on before setting it back down. “Thank you.” You blush. He smiles.

Captain Price chuckles when Gaz comes back toward him. “For how awkward she is, she’s a real good soldier.” He laughs. “Yeah, it’s odd.” Gaz smiles. “She seems more awkward around you.” Captain Price points out. “You think so?” Gaz looks at him. “Yeah, maybe she has a crush on you.” Captain Price laughs. “I doubt it.”

—

“I’m going to scrape my eyes out with my fingernails.” You groan. “Y/N, you’re going to be fine.” Soap chuckles. “No, no I’m not, I hate this.” You sigh. “Why? What’s so bad?” He asks. “Soap. I joined the military, not the fucking royal family. I hate dresses. I hate dressing up.” You groan, tugging the dress down your thighs. You had to borrow it from another girl on base. “Plus this dress barely covers my ass.” You groan. “Yeah. You look a lot different.” He laughs. “Different how?” You ask. “Hey guys.” Gaz smiles. He’s dressed up really nice as well. “Hey. And also, you look like a girly girl.” Soap laughs. You roll your eyes. “Y/N is complaining once again.” Soap looks at Gaz. “Isn’t she always.” He sends you a wink, and you try to ignore it. “Yeah, because this is misery. I don’t wear dresses.” You groan. Gaz smiles. “You look really good though.” He smiles. “Liar.” You mumble. “I’m gonna go get wine drunk and try to pretend this night never happened.” You groan.

“Wonder why she’s so awkward.” Soap laughs. “I don’t know.” Gaz shrugs.

A few hours later, you’re a little tipsy. Captain Price has made a toast, he’s thanked everyone, you’ve met family members of fellow soldiers. It’s pretty fun even though you hate the way you’re dressed. You’re tipsy, sitting back in your chair. Smiling lightly at the story Gaz is telling. You really love them. They’re like your best friends. “You okay?” Gaz looks at you. You nod your head. “Just listening.” You smile. Something about the half-tipsy half-lazy smile you give him, sparks shoot right through him, chills going down his spine. He tries to shrug these feelings off. “You don’t seem as awkward when you’re drinking.” He laughs. “Liquid courage.” You smile, raising up the glass of wine. He smiles. “Alright, time for some fun.” Soap rubs his hands together. “You should tell us something cool about you.” He smiles. “Soap, she’s been drinking.” Gaz rolls his eyes. “So? She’d do it to me.” He laughs. “What do you want to know?” You look up at him, bringing your legs up onto the chair. “Why didn’t any of your family come here?” Soap asks. “Ah, I didn’t tell them about it.” You laugh. “Why not?”

You shrug. “They’re just.. it’s a long ways for them to come and I didn’t want to be disappointed when they told me they couldn’t make it.” You laugh. “Your boyfriend isn’t going to come?” He asks. You smile. “Boyfriend?” You giggle. “Yeah.”

“I don’t have a boyfriend. Never have.” Soap tilts his head. “What?” You giggle again. “Not exactly the dating type.” You roll your eyes. “So..” Gaz swallows a little harder than he intends. “How does that work? Like friends with benefits because you don’t date or..” this makes you laugh. Taking him off guard. “Oh god no. I’m too awkward for that.” Gaz and Soap exchange glances. “So.. have you never…” Soap trails off. “What?” You ask. “Have I ever had sex? No.” You roll your eyes. Taking another drink of wine. Gaz’s eyes widen. Soap and him exchanging glances. “Why not?” You raise an eyebrow. “Have you seen me?” You giggle. “If I have a crush on somebody, I keep that to myself. I am so awkward if anybody ever found out I liked them, I’d die of embarrassment.” You smile. “Huh. Do you like anybody on the task force?” He asks. Your cheeks turn a bright shade of red. “Oh you doooo. Who is it?”

“None of your business.” You roll your eyes. “We’ll find out sooner or later.” He smiles. You roll your eyes. “I’ll take it to my grave thank you very much.” You chuckle. You stand up. “I’m calling it a night,” you mumble. “Yeah, I’m going to go see what Simon is doing.” Soap stands up, walking off. “You need me to walk you back to your room?” Gaz asks. You smile. “You can if you want.” He stands up, pushing his chair in and walking along with you. Gaz liked you. He got along with you pretty well. He thought your awkwardness was funny and cute. He’s got his hands in his pockets as he walks beside you. “So.. where did the awkwardness start?” He asks. “I don’t know, it’s been that way forever.” You laugh. He nods his head. He’s smiling. When he reaches your room, he says his goodbyes, and for once you’re not too awkward, the wine most likely. Once he finishes up his goodbyes, he goes on to his own room.

The following morning, you’re a little hung over. But nonetheless you make your way out into the mess hall. “Ah. There she is.” Soap smirks. “What?” You mumble. “I don’t see any hickeys or bruises.” He crosses his arms. “What are you talking about?” You’re getting nervous. “We saw you and Garrick leaving together last night. Thought maybe you gave up your v-card.” He smiles. “I don’t know what you’re talking about, I don’t even remember last night.” Your cheeks are burning and you’re avoiding his gaze. “I forgot my belt.” You mumble, disappearing back down the hallway you came from. You rush down the corridor until you meet Gaz’s door. You knock a couple times before walking straight in. “Woah-“ he mumbles, spinning around. He’s just now getting dressed. He doesn’t have a shirt on and his pants are still unbuttoned. “Sorry- I just- did something happen last night?” You mumble. “What do you mean?” He asks. “I just.. Soap said he saw us leave together and I don’t remember anything- did- oh god.” You mumble.

“Did we have sex?” He asks as he crosses his arms. Your face is beat red and you look frustrated. “No. We didn’t have sex.” He laughs. “Oh thank god.” You mumble. “I- I mean. I didn’t mean it like that. I meant.. It’s not that I don’t want to have sex with you- I- just-“ your eyes are wide as the words leave your lips. He’s smirking at you, taking a step closer. Arms crossed over his chest. Your lips are parted, still in shock at what you’ve just admitted. The only thing you can think to do is leave. Hearing his laughter as you leave, closing the door behind you.

“Stupid- stupid.” You mumble, pacing back and fourth in your room. How the hell were you supposed to go out there after that? After admitting to him that you wanted to have sex with him? You chewed at your lip nervously. You hear your Captain call over the radio that everyone needed to meet in the mess hall. You groan in frustration. You make your way outside, staying completely emotionless as you make your way outside. You sit down at the table you usually sit at, looking over a magazine. You can feel eyes burning into you and you know for sure it’s Soap and Gaz. “We’re leaving on a mission in 15, make sure you have absolutely everything you need. This is an important mission.”

—

Gaz of course sat right next to you for the entire ride to the zone. “Y/N? Everything okay?” Soap asks, he’s got a smirk on his face. “Fine, just nervous.” You mumble. “Because Gaz is sitting next to you?” He teases. “Ha ha ha.” You roll your eyes. “Because we’re about to kill a bunch of assholes and put our lives on the line.” You mumble. “I didn’t think you still got nervous on these.”

He’s caught you in a lie. “Yeah well.. whatever.” You mumble. “You don’t do very good under pressure.”

“No I don’t, I lash out and get violent, why do you think I’m in the military.” You smile. He laughs. “I’m just pulling your leg. But ay, after the mission maybe if you ask him politely enough, Gaz will hit it again.” A snort leaves your lips. You roll your eyes. “After this mission maybe if you’re still alive, I’ll ring your neck and the enemy won’t have to.” You glare. Gaz places his hand on your thigh, your body going rigid immediately. “Relax, he’s just talking shit. It’s what he’s good at.” Soap notices the way you tense up, seeing you staring down at Kyle’s hand. You clamp your thighs together immediately. Hands clutching at the bench until your knuckles turn white. You’ve clearly got a crush. Soap shakes his head, smiling to himself. You’re so obvious.

The helicopter lands and everyone files out, taking direct orders from Captain Price and Ghost. Your demeanor changes from that of awkwardness to stealth. There’s no time for playing games, only time for war. “This is Capture or kill. We need the intel inside.” Ghost says to everyone. “We’re moving slow, staying with a partner. Keep focused.” He helps guide everyone and eventually everyone is splitting into groups.

“You know it’s you who she has a crush on, right?” Soap mumbles to Gaz. “I know.” He laughs. They’re taking post up in a building and watching over everyone below. “She came into my room this morning because she didn’t remember anything that happened last night-“ he pauses, taking a shot and hitting an enemy below. “Incriminated herself pretty bad, that’s why she’s so frustrated and snappy.” He smiles, one eye closed as he watches the area below. “You know if you fuck her the attitude will go away right?” Soap chuckles. Gaz rolls his eyes. “I know. Just waiting until the time is right.” He pulls the trigger again. Soap smiles. “Woah, what’s going on?” Soap calls into his radio. He sees you burst out of a building, firing your gun rapidly into the door. You’re limping. “They’ve got Myles inside.” He can hear you groan into the radio. “I’ve got him, just give me a minute.” You empty another full magazine into the bulky door. Kicking it open despite your injury. Gaz has moved his attention to you as well for backup. They hear more gunfire, your radio must’ve been damaged because they can hear everything but it’s a little muffled.

When you reappear you’re dragging the sergeant out and wrapping your shirt over his wound. “Think his femoral artery was grazed, he’s bleeding bad.”

“I’ll get medical out.” Ghost says into the radio.

“Just keep him safe.”

“No worries here.”

All you’ve got on now is a tank top and your vest. You’d used your shirt to bandage his wound. You’re kneeling by the edge of the brick wall, gun close in your hand as you wait patiently. “Lookin good Y/N.” Gaz mumbles into the radio. He just knows you’ve rolled your eyes at him. “Eyes on target Garrick.” You groan. You pass a water bottle to the injured man laying up against the wall.

“I’m gonna go help her out. You got it?” Gaz says to Soap nods his head. “Go help your girl, Garrick.” He chuckles, Gaz makes his way down the stairs in the watch tower, creeping his way over to you. Soap watches him close in on you. “Let’s carry him out. Medivac will be around where we came in.” You nod your head, picking up the man and helping Gaz carrying him out. Once he’s safe, you’re both waiting with him to keep him safe.

—

The mission was overall a success and once you’ve been bandaged up, you’re limping your way around the base. You’re getting a lot of stares because you aren’t wearing your normal attire. All you’ve got on now are some shorts and a t-shirt. You’re making your way back to your room with an MRE when Gaz approaches you. “Hey. I got you something.” He smiles. You look at him in confusion. “Can I come in?” He asks. You nod your head, pushing your door open and letting him in. He sits down on your bed, sliding an MRE from behind his back. “Here.” He holds it out, seeing your eyes light up. “No way! How did you get it?” You smile. “Found it when I was snooping through some stuff. Saved it for you.” He smiles. “Thank you Gaz.”

What he’s given you is the only kind of MRE you won’t complain about. “You did good out there today. Hope you didn’t get hurt too bad.” He smiles. “Oh no.. just tore a muscle I think.” You mumble. You clear your throat. “Look um.. about this morning.” You mumble. He laughs, looking down. “I.. I totally messed up what I was going to say. I just.. I don’t think that you would take advantage of me or anything- oh god I’m rambling.” You groan. He’s smiling at you as you fall further into the hole you’ve dug for yourself. He takes a step toward you, and you step back. You don’t even realize you do it, it’s how you react by nature. “It’s not that I wouldn’t want to-“

“Y/N.” He interrupts you. “Yeah?”

He cuts you off by kissing you, and he can feel your body tense up. Your eyes screw shut and it takes you a second before you kiss back. But when you do, he deepens the kiss, pushing you back into the wall behind you. A hiss leaves your lips when you step wrong and he smiles into your lips. “Sorry love.” He mumbles, pulling away. “It’s okay.” You mumble. Your lips are plump from his, slightly pinker than before. Your pupils are blown out. It’s quite the look on you. He likes it. He leans in and kisses you once more, feeling you melt into him. Giving into him completely. He glides his hand up onto your hip. Feeling you tense up into him. He takes your bottom lip between his teeth, he's showing you that he wants to take this further.

Your brain is a scrambled mess when he pulls away. Staring up at him as he smiles down at you. He licks his lips, taking in a deep breath. You're breathing so hard and he can't help but chuckle at you. "Hey. Relax." He rests his forearm on the wall above you. Pinning you into the wall. He's clearly overwhelming you, but he likes seeing how flustered you are. "You okay?" He asks. "Yes. Just.. feel weird." You breathe. "What, here?" He glides his fingertips over your clothed opening, feeling you jump away from his touch. He smiles at the way you shutter from it. A taunting laugh leaves his lips. You take in a deep breath, grasping his wrist. “Kyle..” the breathlessness is your voice shows him just how needy you are. You glance up at him. He leans into you. Lips right by yours once more. “You can stop me you know?” He breathes. Fingertips returning to your clothed opening. He rubs gentle circles over you. You pant, but you don’t move away from him. You close your eyes, taking in a breath. Pushing your hips into his hand. He smiles at this. You really want him this bad. He presses his lips to yours, putting a bit more pressure against you. He presses a kiss the corner of your lips, moving down to your neck. Sucking gently at the skin and nipping at you. You’re getting more and more needy as he touches you. The awkwardness slowly slipping away.

When he pulls away from you, he can’t help but smile. You’re a mess. “You look good like this.” He bites his lip.

“So.. do you really want to have sex with me, or were you just saying that?” He teases. “Yeah- yes. I do want to have sex with you.” You breathe. “Oh, those are fighting words sweetheart.” He smiles. “I’m serious.” You breathe. “I want you.” His smile starts to fade away, a laugh leaving his lips. He grasps the hem of his shirt, tugging it over his head. He reaches out, grasping your shirt and pulling it over your head, attaching his lips to yours again. Your cheeks are hot and he can tell you’re nervous.

Gaz isn’t usually one to take control like this but he knows you’re too nervous to.

And he can see that it’s working. “There’s no rush sweetheart. No need to be so nervous. If I do anything you don’t like, you can stop me.” He mutters the words right near your ear and you can feel the deep darkness of lust swallowing you up. How even when he’s got you right in the palm of his hand he’s still reassuring you, proving further the kind of man he is. He lowers his hand between your legs once more, gliding his fingertips over your opening. His light touch sends chills up your spine. The pleasure wraps itself around your spinal cord, you can feel yourself stiffening up at his touch. “Like it baby?” He breathes. You nod your head. “Yes.” You whine. He applies a little more pressure, circling right over your bundle of nerves and even through the fabric, his hands on you makes it more intense than it’s ever felt.

He’s just about to close the deal, but a knock at your door draws his away from you. “Fuck.” He groans. “Yeah?” You call. “Just checking on you, everything okay?” You hear your captain call through the door. “Yeah, I’m alright. Just sore.” You breathe. Gaz smirks as he watches you.

“Hope you’re not harassing her, Garrick.” Your cheeks turn a shade of crimson. “Just keeping her company old man, making sure she takes care of herself.”

You hear him laugh, his footsteps fading away. “Guess I should leave you alone before he comes back, hm?” Gaz laughs, moving closer to you and lifting his shirt up off of the floor, handing out yours as he does. He slips it back over himself. “I’ll be back.” Gaz laughs. He steps away from you. Because he knows if he doesn’t he’ll fuck you hard enough for the entire base to hear.

And he can’t have that.

—

“She’s a fucking brick of a woman.” He hears Soap laugh. “What makes you say that?” Gaz asks, turning away from his scope to look at Johnny.

“Because, last mission she drug a 6’2 200 pound man no problem. This time, maybe you should see for yourself.” He nods over. “Swap me.” He raises his sniper up, swapping with Soap. He lines up his scope, seeing you. You and Ghost are sneaking into the building, you’re clearing out the outside. They allegedly have hostages and you don’t need any murder suicides on your hands. So you’re taking it slow.

The men in this compound are fucking massive and Gaz watches you move up on each one of them. Taking them down with ease. “She is insane on the field.” Gaz laughs. He notices you struggling with one of them, lining up a shot. He’s worried for a second since the man gets himself on top of you, taking a swing at you. Gaz flinches as he connects with your face. But one hard kick to the chest has him flying back. You pin him down, knee right to his chest to restrict him. You draw back, fist knocking into his jaw, laying the man out cold. You reach into your side, raising your hand with a knife and bringing it down to his throat.

“You good Y/N? That was a hell of a hit.” Gaz asks. “What happened?” Soap asks.

“Nah, I’m good.” You sit up. Soap makes his way over, as Ghost is already inside and he can no longer see him. He notices through his scope that you’ve got blood rushing down your nose from where the man hit you. “He hit her fucking hard.” Gaz cringes. “Ah, she’s alright. I’ve seen her get hit way harder and not even flinch.” Soap mumbles. “Doesn’t look like it, Lass. You need help?” Soap asks. He hears you snort.

“I’ve fallen off of buildings, been blown up, have had more concussions than I can count on one hand and have enough shrapnel in my body for the 2 of you combined. I’m good.” You laugh.

“This is the military, not a walk in the park. One asshole hitting me is the least of my worries.” You mumble, walking up behind a man and stabbing him right in the throat.

“All clear on my end.” You call.

“Mine too. Hostages have to be somewhere else because they aren’t here.” Ghost calls back. “Watch for stragglers, I’m about to arm the bomb. After that we’ve got exactly three minutes to blow this popsicle stand.” You mumble. They watch you messing with something for a minute. “Armed. Get out of here!” You call.

Gaz and Soap arrive first. You close after, and than Ghost saunters up last. The building and everything inside explodes behind the four of you and you smile as the flames roar up. “I see what they were talking about.” Ghost laughs. “Looks like that bastard packed a punch.” He nudges you, seeing you smile. “Yeah well. He’s in the flames and I’m not so. I punch harder.” You laugh, walking up the ramp, into the helo. The three men follow you inside.

“Look, all I’m saying is, you better make a move before I do.”

Gaz rolls his eyes at Soap. “She’s off limits and you know it.” He laughs. It’s dinner time and you’re getting cleaned up. “Don’t get me wrong she’s awkward as hell but how badass she is just… had me rockin a semi through the entire mission.” Soap laughs. Gaz scrunches his face up. “Gross.”

“I’m serious Gaz. You better get in there and pop that-“

“Please don’t say Cherry.” You groan, making them turn toward you, eyes wide. Ghost laughs harder than he should at their shocked faces, caught red handed.

You sit down. “You good?” Gaz asks. “Yeah. Fucker broke my nose so they had to crack it back into place and pack it.” You groan. They can tell by the already forming bruising under your eyes that you’re probably hurting. You sit down, leaning back into your chair. “So. Other than Gaz ‘popping my cherry.’ What’s new?” You smirk, crossing your arms. Gaz and Soap can’t hide their pink cheeks. “Ah, Laswell has an idea of where the hostages are.” Ghost nods. “Cool, when do we fly out?”

He laughs. “No, you have healing to do and Garrick has to do his yearly physical tomorrow before he can go back out on the field.” Ghost takes a bite of the sandwich he’s eating. Mask still down around his nose. “No way, it’s a broken nose not a cracked femur. I’m fine.”

Ghost laughs. “Captains orders Y/N.”

You groan out.

—

The next day, you’re getting coffee in the mess hall. It’s quiet on base since there’s no one else here. They left a few minutes ago, leaving you alone. Gaz had his physical about an hour ago and sometimes they take a little longer than that. You head back to your room, opening up the door and stepping inside. You close your door behind you. Just as you’re about to raise the cup to your lips, you see Gaz sitting on your bed.

“Oh dear.” You mumble. He laughs. Standing up. “Don’t sound so excited to see me princess.” He smiles. You narrow your eyes. “Do not call me that.”

He raises his hands up in surrender. “Sorry baby, don’t stab me.” He smirks. Seeing your cheeks turn pink. He sits back down, spreading his legs slightly. Leaning back onto his hands. “I swear you look so sexy on the field. Get me so riled up watching you.” He smirks. Resting his hand over his jeans.

You set your cup down, crossing your arms. “What are you doing, Garrick?”

“Gonna finish what I started.” He breathes. He stands up, seeing your eyes rush to the ground. He knows you don’t do too well under pressure. Attention on you makes you nervous. He closes the distance between the two of you and lifts your chin up with his fingers. “You’re so pretty.”

You laugh, rolling your eyes. “Quit bullshitting Kyle, I look like I’ve got too much eye black on.” You laugh. He smiles. “Oh come on. Give yourself a break. You took a fucking hit.”

He moves closer, grasping your thighs and lifting you up, you gasp out as he pushes you back into the wall, his hips pressed up against yours. “Took it like a fucking champ.” He breathes. You can feel how hard he is against you. Not being able to control yourself as you let out a whine as he attacks your neck. He ruts his hips into yours and you gasp out. “Oh fuck-“ you gasp. Clutching onto his shirt. “Gaz…” you breathe. “What if someone hears?” You’re breathless and he gets even harder at the sound of desperation in your voice. “Only others here are training newbies. Nobody will hear baby.” He lowers his head to the crook of your neck, attacking your skin with his lips and teeth. Drawing his tongue over your pulse. You let out a deep breath, feeling him smile into your skin. He steps to the side, and you latch onto him like he’s going to drop you. No longer using the wall as support.

“Relax.” He smiles. “M’not gonna drop you.” He laughs, moving to the edge of the bed and laying you down on it. “You think you can stay quiet for me?” He asks. You look up at him, cheeks blushing. You nod your head. “Good girl.” He lowers himself slightly. Grasping your thighs and pulling you to the edge of the small cot with ease. He can hear your heart thumping in your chest from where he’s at. He reaches for your pants. Despite doing nothing you had still at least put on your uniform. He unbuttons them, tugging them down your thighs. Noticing the way you clench your thighs together the moment you’re exposed. You swallow hard. Hearing him chuckle. “You have to trust me.” He takes in a deep breath. Pushing your thighs open slightly. You’ve still got panties on.

You gulp, and his expression changes. He’s not playful anymore, he sees something he wants and he’s going to take it.

He grasps the hem of them, pulling them down your legs and discarding them along with your pants. Moving himself closer. He’s on his knees on the ground, at the edge of the bed. He’s got you pulled right up to the edge of it. Pushing your legs open. You swallow hard, avoiding eye contact with him. A gasp leaves your lips as he kisses down your thigh, moving closer to where you’re exposed to him. “Remember.. try to stay quiet for me.” He looks up at you, seeing you nod your head. He can still hear your heart thumping in your chest. When he kisses your opening your hips jump slightly, but he doesn’t waste a second to draw his tongue up your slit. When he starts to flick his tongue over you, sucking at your clit, your thighs start to shake.

You realize the situation you’ve gotten yourself into.

You grip the sheets, teeth gritted behind tight lips.

“Oh fuck..” your voice is soft and it’s just above a whisper. Low enough to where only he could hear it. He smiles into you. Knowing you like it only eggs him on. He’s hard, throbbing in his jeans. He’s turned on and all he wants to do is bury himself into you. But he knows you’re not ready for that just yet. He needs to open you up first. He keeps lapping at your clit, circling your opening with one of his fingers.

He doesn’t give you too much time to adjust before he’s sliding one of them into you. A gasp gets caught in your throat at the intrusion, how good he’s making you feel. It’s overwhelming and you can already feel it building in your lower stomach.

It approaches slow until he adds a second finger, pumping them into you, still tonguing your clit. Your thighs shake and he can tell you’re getting close. Sending you spiraling right into that sweet release. “Kyle-“ you whine. He laughs at how much your voice has changed. Your apprehension is gone, all that’s left is want. And you fucking want it.

Just when he’s about to give it to you, he pulls away. He can see tears gather at your waterline, frustration clouds your eyes. “If I make you cum, you’ll be too sensitive baby. You’re not ready for it yet.” You nod your head, but you want more. He can tell you’re trying to be patient despite how bad you want it. He stands up and unbuckles his belt. You swallow hard. When he exposes himself to you, you realize it’s going to hurt compared to his fingers. “Relax. You’re ready.” He breathes, moving himself between your legs. He kisses you, teasing your clit with the tip of his cock. You whine into his lips. The thought of him filling you up is like a dream.

He gathers your arousal on his tip and lines himself up with your entrance, pushing into you slow. You take a deep breath. “O-oh god.” You hesitate. It stings as he glides between your walls, stretching you further than you’ve ever been stretched before. You clench your eyes closed, hissing as he moves deeper.

“It’s okay. You’re doing so good.” He breathes. “S-so good for me.”

The tightness of you around him makes him shudder. “Shit.” He whines. You’ve never heard him like this. “You feel so fucking good.” He shakes his head. He’s got his eyes closed too. You wrap your legs around him and force him deeper, his eyes widening. “Shit!” He breathes. “Please-“ you mewl.

“Fuck- I don’t want to hurt you.”

“Please just, fuck me.” You look up at him. Eyes full of need. He holds onto your thighs, “just.. try to stay quiet. M’gonna be kinda rough baby.” You nod your head.

He takes a couple slow, deep thrusts. Until you’re shivering. You want more and he’s going to give it to you.

He takes a hard thrust, watching your lips part. Your mouth opens slightly. He raises your hips, sliding a pillow underneath you. He angles your hips up perfectly and when he buries himself into you, he drives himself right into that spot inside of you. You clamp a hand over your own mouth and he can’t help but laugh. He seems to know exactly what it takes to make you feel good. He keeps his bruising pace, giving you exactly what you’ve asked for. Even when he notices tears streaming from your eyes, he keeps going. He pins your wrists above your head, pressing his lips to yours. His tongue moves against yours and he tugs your bottom lip between his teeth, and you’re almost a goner. You’re not going to last long.

Your skin is flushed and warm. Your eyes look up at him lazily, you’re in another world as he works his hips into yours. You’re relaxed now, desperate for that high you know is coming quick. You struggle to keep your eyes open, trying hard to stay still but your body twitches as you get closer. Your thighs shake slightly but he keeps them open. You’re milking his cock. Tight and wet around him. He can barely take it, his breathing is starting to get uneven and his thrusts are getting sloppy. You’re both right up to the brink. You prop yourself up onto your elbows, looking up at him. Your eyes are dark, that lustful gaze nearly sends him right into his orgasm. “Kyle…” you breathe. “Y-yeah?”

“Want you to cum in me.” You breathe, looking up at him through your eyelashes. “I want to know what it feels like..”

“Shit- you didn’t have to ask.” He pushes you back, resting a bit of his weight on you as he rocks his hips into you. “I’m so close.” You mewl. “I know baby. Can feel you tightening around me.” He growls.

It only takes a couple more thrusts and he can tell by the cry you let out behind your own hand that you’re right there. “That’s right sweetheart, give it to me.” He breathes. “I’m gonna cum too- gonna fill this pretty pussy.” He grits his teeth. You cry out, and he doesn’t care who hears. He can feel you throbbing around him. Last minute, he pushes one of your thighs up, sliding even deeper. He intensifies your orgasm and clamps a hand over your mouth so that nobody can hear your cries. He bites his lip hard as he cums, cock twitching, his body tensing up. It’s by far the hardest he’s ever cum, chills rising up his spine. He relaxes into you. Breathing heavy as he comes down his high. You can hear his heart beating hard in his chest, blush rising up your cheeks at what you’ve just done.

He pulls out of you, zeroing in on the way his filth spills back out of you. He has to fight himself from getting hard again, knowing you’re probably sore. He stands up, adjusting his jeans. He notices the way you get uncomfortable at him redressing himself, probably worried about him leaving. You sit up and make a move to go clean yourself up but he stops you, smiling. “You’re so fucking awkward and it’s so cute.” He laughs. You roll your eyes. He sits down next to you, pinching your chin and turning your head to make you kiss him.

“You gonna leave me hanging hm?” He smiles. “What do you mean?”

“I just.. I didn’t really want this to be a one time thing. You gonna leave me here alone?” He laughs. You look down. “No.. I.. I wouldn’t do that to you I just.. no I didn’t want it to be a one time thing either, I’m sorry if-“ he kisses you again. Gripping your shirt tight in his hands. “Relax sweetheart.” He toys with your collar. “You’re mine and I think I’ve made that clear, right babe?” He smiles. Seeing crimson creep up your cheeks. “Go get cleaned up, I’ll go grab an ice pack for your face yeah?” He breathes. “Maybe we can sneak off base and go get something other than MRE’s to eat.”

“Kyle Garrick you’ve won my heart.” You laugh. “You’re so picky.” He rolls his eyes.

“You said it yourself, MRE’s suck!”

He shakes his head at you, seeing you disappear into the bathroom. He hopes whatever this is, doesn’t end anytime soon.

[scullbagsandspoopy]

It's 30 Wednesdays until I can breathe again

Dear god how do I survive until August

[mallowmaenad]

baedel flow

this shit ain't nothin to me girl

i'm taking DIY alstolfo brand temu titty skittles. I got so much prog up my ass my dildo has erectile dysfunction. I'm injecting estrogen straight into my face so I can force fem the cop in my brain.

I'm problematic. I ship things you can't imagine. The judge read my Archive Of Our Own bookmarks out loud and the jury were too busy throwing up to give me a guilty verdict.

I smoke shit so dank it'll age regress you into a fucking sperm.

I'm on that greymarket back alley bimbo goo. I'm doing deviantart shit to my body just to look myself in the mirror when I shave in the morning.

Your sister LOVES my milk duds. You never had a brother, she calls me mommy with a 2 year age difference.

I'm putting lead and estrogen in my haters' cereal so I can make some toxic yuri, get them moaning in their boyvoices 6 months later behind the Warhammer store like I'm fucking Slaanesh.

They/them me again and I'll run a used Manscaped Lawnmower across your face until you look like a fucking newborn

I show up to Planned Parenthood just to stand there and watch the abortions, licking my lips between sips of Strawberry Dreams mixed with pure thailander gamer girl sweat.

When I'm done with you you'll never want to go to the pool shirtless again bitch

I'm on those quadruple puppygirlboygirl anarchist homebrew estrogen patches, taking so much spiro that Big Pharma is wiping down fire hydrants in my area to make Premarin with the residue.

The only thing Harkness is testing is my fucking patience and I'm about to turn him into another one of my little sisters

I'm smoking that bocchi the rock giving myself middle school anxiety so intense it erases my male socialization

They wanted to write a callout post about me so I fucked their moms, and their dogs and the playstation 5 just for good measure, now if they don't call me auntie they're grounded from role playing My Hero Academia characters on discord for 2 weeks.

You wish I'd make you my bitch. By the time you re-align your pronouns you'll be bottoming for a fucking stuffed shark posting about your Amazon Basics skirt on reddit

They call me the egg cracker because I bust so many fucking balls

I radiate so much AGP my nickname at the local pride center is elephant's foot. I give Kaitlyn Jenner so much gender envy it's got her considering voting blue in the next election.

Yeah I'm on E, what the fuck else am I gonna trip on when I drive to the pharmacy blasting SewerSlvt so loud youtube is recommending video essays to every single person in the tri state area.

Christine Chandler wishes she was me. Contrapoints wishes she was me. Aphrodite desires me carnally. They can't handle the divine feminine energy radiating from my unwashed hen cause they gotta go through the Hero's Journey just to get a face full of baby butter that tastes like expired anchovies.

Tonight girl my chosen name is Bridget because I'm going to go to town inside you. Your hole's gonna be more ruined than Thanksgiving dinner when I show up in a slutty little number watching my cousin the same age as me lose another inch of his hairline.

I'm sucking on that neocities watamote siscon shadow siren hard candy getting affected like a male feminist just heard me say the word bitch a little too loud for his liking. My Celeste speedruns have never been faster.

Fuck around and find out keep talking shit and my final fantasy 14 plugins won't be the only thing I'll be reprogramming tonight

[things-arent-what-they-seem66]

Adam for no reason: fuckin preppy little bastard with a fire cracker up his ass, fuckin stuck up chihuahua, fuckin pintsize bitch

Lucifer:..

Adam: fuckin gremlin with little dog syndrome! always having to overcompensate for your tiny size and shit !

Lucifer: well you weren’t complaining last night and this morning in bed

Adam: fuck you!

Lucifer chuckling and patting Adam in the cheek snugly: no, sweetie pie. It is I who fucks you~

Adam: *Grumbling under his breath* Fucking little prick

Lucifer: Awww, you're so cute when you're mad. Glad to see I haven't fucked that brattiness out of you yet.~

Adam: Yet? Hey! I'm not a fucking brat asshole!

Lucifer: Sure you are, *Grabs Adam by his hair* but not always, right sweetie?~

Adam: I-I-I, no?

Lucifer: Good boy.~

Adam, internally: I'm a good boy <3

[scrumblewonk]

coughs

would

-n’t ❤️

[unoriginal-and-dumb]

hey its me ryan gosling do you want anything while im at the bread store

Welcome to the bread bank . We sell bread, we sell loafs. we got bread on deck. Bread on the floor.

TOASTED

Shut the fuck up. Listen I jsut need a baguette and a brioche.

We don’t have either of those you can get the gluten free white bread or the potato bread

What the fuck is gluten take that shit out

it’s gluten free

I DONT CARE IF ITS FREE

swear on your fucking yeezys

If you wanna fight we gonna fight

You tryna be on Worldstar?

What you gonna record it?

Yea. I got my dollar store camera

ON

What’s the fuckin situaaation?

What the fuck do you want

I’m the mother fucking

MANAGER

At the bread store?

BREAD

Tell him to take the mother fucking gluten out the bread.

Imma need you to shut that bullshit up chief, we can’t take shit out the bread

Why put it in in the first place. I know y’all smoking that pack

We got crackers, no gluten

FUCK crackers

It’s gluten free

You want the gluten or not?

hell no

You better take the gluten out that damn shit

Look we got

whole wheat, gluten free

TEXAS toast, gluten free

TORTILLA

Fuck all that. What bitch ass country are y’all from. Where they got this bullshit at?

Florida.

I knew it

Look you can either take this yeast or im caking the police-st

I’m going weast

No don’t call the police I got a warrant

Honestly fuck y’all. I ain’t never seen nobody act like this over no bread.

What the fuck are you saying

All I’m saying is

fuck y’all’s bread

fuck the gluten

And fuck them crackers

The crackers don’t have gluten

I’ll take those

Ok that’s gonna be 5

No fuck that I ain’t paying

[xamaxenta]

Xam, I must share MAS brain rot with you, because the fact I have it is entirely your fault.

So, for context - this found me on twitter (it's sfw!) https://x.com/doodledebil/status/1746607751776637380?s=20

It got me thinking of like, caged bird Marco. Captive to *someone*, who cares who for the sake of this, but all done up in finery and jewels, unable to escape, unable to die. Pissed all to hell about it.

Full elegance and beauty, dancing for whoever has him captive, playing along, but like certain lines he won't abide being crossed. So he'll stay in the cage and do the dance, but if someone else comes into the cage thinking they're going to get a piece of ass, the next morning there's blood on the cage and one Really Angry Bird perched over a corpse.

And it's very much a "message received" from whoever has him contained, so you know, we don't do that again. Polly doesn't want a cracker, but polly'll crack a bitch into pieces. (I can just see him with the darkest expression and those terrifying bright eyes glaring back.)

Maybe whoever collected him, collects Ace. But Ace belongs to Sabo. So this new little "bird" is very relaxed despite his situation and he and Marco chat a bit.

Marco: You don't seem to upset, yoi.

Ace: Hm? Nah, he'll be here soon.

M: He?

A: Sabo. I hope you're good with fire, he'll probably light this place up to get me out.

Fuck me i had an entire reply typed out and tumblr didnt fucking save it all it was rly long too 😭😭😭 why…

Ill try remember what i said but YEAH huge agree a beautiful immortal and FURIOUS phoenix Marco unable to leave unable to die and only able to serve is so delicious, he’s started to forget what life was like outside of the gilded cage hes displayed in and loathes his own existence and foolishness for being caught in the first place

And then Ace a new little bird- adorable- i love this foaming crazy at the mouth over him being a little pretty bird, but hes neither little or a bird but he certainly is so pretty with his dark soft hair and pretty grey eyes so stormy and defiant aughgg on my knewws JUST ONE CHANCE I KNOW IMMA BE THE FOOL WHO GOT INTO THAT CAGE AND GOT TURNED INTO BLOODY PASTE BCT DBSB AWOOGA anyway enough of that lol

Marco wants to tell him it doesnt matter what he does they cant be free

Sabo will come though, Ace doesnt seem to be particularly bothered that Marco is so cagey and unwilling to see that this wont be his prison for long, who can blame him though its been years centuries even and Marco expects to go mad within these bars long before he even gets a taste of freedom again

Ace however sits pretty and doesnt do as hes told :3c

[kerubimcrepin]

Liveblog - Dofus, livre 1 : Julith [PART 5]

Forever obsessed with the way ecaflips can drink both using their tongue and just chugging liquids. Did he do this because he's nervous? Is he feeling cute? Am I insane?

One may say "Kerubim didn't tell anything was amiss to Joris because he didn't know it would be Julith", but tbh, the Ebony Dofus being stolen puts Joris in danger simply by the virtue of their connection, and Kerubim himself knows that.

He should have thought this through better. However, as we have established in the last 32498234 posts, he is stupid.

(I like to think that he went here really hoping that Bakara would say "some random rogues left with the ebony dofus LOL XD. Anyway yeah I still don't want Joris to know anything about his family or talk to me, godspeed on lying to him more, epic <3")

So real.

Something I didn't comment on is that Bakara is quite cold during this exchange: personally, she has no stake here. Unlike Kerubim, it's not like someone she loves might die or get hurt, — 10 years too late to care about that.

I think she is just quietly simmering with rage and trying not to kill half the patrons at this beautiful bar full of delicious alcohol.

I think Bakara is both worried that Kerubim told Joris nothing (meaning that the boy is in danger without knowing it (HE IS)) and that Kerubim might have told him something (which would mean that she would have to interact with him. They did have an agreement for a reason, after all...)

I think it's cool if she has conflicting priorities like that, though I know that the canonical reason behind that line is probably the first one.

Either way, this level of danger is enough for Kerubim to call off their agreement immediately.

Kerubim has 200000 different reasons to be deathly depressed about having to tell Joris about his family, but some of them are:

He beat his mother to near death and assumed she was dead for 10 years.

Joris's biological father is cooler than him, and he will lose the cool dad Olympics.

He doesn't want Joris to be saddled with this bullshit.

Joris will learn that all this time he had an aunt who wanted nothing to do with him because, to her, he is a spawn of her brother's murderer.

His mother is called "The Butcher of Brakmar"

His father is famous and illustrious and legendary.

Joris will be unhappy about being lied to for the past 10 years, including now, in a city that has a huge ass memorial to Jahash.

No matter how hard he gives, it seems like all Kerubim does is take. I think that's a pretty hard thing to realize about one's own parent.

Like for the past 10 years all he does is give, give, give, to a guy who cares sooooo much that once he almost left him without fingers by slamming a chest shut while Joris was holding it. The guy who was still treating and touching him like an infant when he was 7 years old.

That's when the darkness began, followers. He HATES Kerubim for this.

And I mean this unironically! When you're mad at someone you love, it can turn into a big case of "that bitch eating crackers syndome", where you remember every single slightly annoying thing they've ever done, — and it all suddenly seems like Proof of Irredeemable Evil on their part.

And it is kinda complicated because Joris does have a right to feel that way about Kerubim. In microcosm, most of the things he's done are pretty simple, — but it's 10 years of nothing but these small little fuck-ups with major fuck-ups in-between.

Some may say "noo" to this but, personally, I think Joris is based. He's growing a backbone.

I think it's likely that Indie was a stricter parent than Kerubim, and due to their similarities, she assumes that Kerubim will punish Joris. (Make him stand in a corner? Make him eat veggies? Make him shower? Who even knows.)

Jokes on her, Joris has likely not seen a single disciplinary action in his entire life, baybee.

[byanyan]

SPEECH PATTERNS

complexity of vocabulary : ◼◼◻◻◻ emotion : ◼◼◼◼◼ sentence structure : ◼◼◻◻◻ profanity frequency : ◼◼◼◼◼ creativity : ◼◼◼◼◻ watchfulness : ◼◼◻◻◻

( bold all that apply ) ass. asshole. bastard. bitch. bloody. bugger. bollocks. crap. cunt. dick. frick. fuck. fuckshit. horseshit. motherfucker. piss. prick. screw. shit. shitass. chicken shit. son of a bitch. son of a whore. twat. wanker. ( given proper religious context ) christ on a bike. christ on a cracker. damn. goddamn. godsdamn. hell. holy shit. jesus. jesus christ. jesus, mary and joseph. sweet jesus.

( this or that )

contractions or enunciation? straightforward or cryptic? jargon or toned? complexity or simplicity? finding the right word or using the first word that comes to mind? masculinity, neutrality, or femininity? formalities or abrasiveness? insult or injury? praise or equivocation? frankness or lies? excessive or minimal hand gestures? name-calling or magnanimity? friendly or blunt nicknames?

( important questions )

do people have a hard time understanding or hearing your character ? almost always / frequently / sometimes / rarely / never does your character’s point come across easily when they speak ? almost always / frequently / sometimes / rarely / never would your character initiate conversations ? almost always / frequently / sometimes / rarely / never would your character be the one to end conversations ? almost always / frequently / sometimes / rarely / never would your character use ‘whom’ in a sentence ? yes / no / only ironically your character wants to make a counterpoint. what word do they use ? but / though / although / however / perhaps / mayhaps how would your character pick up the phone ? hello / hey / hi / yellow / yo / yeah / [name]. / what’s up / who is this / what do you want / can i help you? how does your character end conversations ? walk away / ask if that’s everything / say that that’s everything / give a proper goodbye / tell their company they’re done here / remain quiet / they don’t how does your character address others ? titles / first names / surnames / full names / nicknames what social class would others assume your character belongs to, hearing them speak ? upper / middle / lower in what ways does the way your character speak stand out to others ? accent / vocabulary / tone / level / politeness / brusqueness / it doesn’t

[totravelasfriends7433]

Incorrect Quotes

Valkyrie: No, this is not a mess. You know what I consider a mess? Melissa: Your life? Valkyrie: I- well yes, but-

Valkyrie: I'm hot, I’m tall, I'm gay, and I'm on my theatre kid arc.

Murderer: Any last words? Valkyrie: Do you think I'm cute? Be honest.

Melissa: WHOEVER CAUSED THIS MESS IS GOING TO- Valkyrie: It was me… Melissa: …Is going to be forgiven because everyone deserves a second chance.

Valkyrie: I am the most responsible person in the group. Melissa: …You just set the kitchen on fire. Valkyrie: Yes, and I take full responsibility for that.

Fletcher: Cronch. Fletcher: You hear that? That's the sound of me eating sticks. Melissa: No, don’t— Fletcher: Too late.

Fletcher: I love you. Valkyrie: I love me too.

Fletcher: Big day today, Valkyrie. holds up two shirts Mustard stain or ketchup stain? Valkyrie: Mustard– looks less like blood.

Valkyrie: I hope no one lowkey hates me. Valkyrie: Highkey hate me. Hate me with every fiber of your being. Valkyrie: Go big or go home.

Fletcher: ATTENTION: I HAVE BREACHED CONTAINMENT. Fletcher: DO NOT PANIC, I AM SIMPLY GETTING A SNACK.

Valkyrie: Ask me anything. Go ahead, I'll give you a straight answer. Fletcher: Why are we so fucking awesome? Valkyrie: That's the best fucking question anybody's ever asked.

Fletcher: Hugs Valkyrie from behind Fletcher: Tucks Valkyrie's hair behind their ear Fletcher, whispering: Eat all the frosted animal crackers again and they'll never find your body.

Tsu: Do you support gay rights? Shinsou: I’m literally gay. Valkyrie: He's avoiding the question!

Valkyrie, to Shinsou: You're starting to forget your Spanish. You don't practice. Shinsou: Lo siento. Estoy embarazada. Valkyrie: You just told me you're pregnant. Tsu: Congratulations Shinsou, you're glowing!

Valkyrie: FIGHT ME, YOU NERD ASS SLUT! Tsu: At least try to sound slightly more sophisticated when you threaten someone. Valkyrie: Oh, I'm sorry. I should ask; dost thou want to engage in a duel, my good bitch? Tsu: Somehow that's worse.

Valkyrie: I have to say, I'm a little embarrassed for you. Shinsou: This is a sports-related injury. It makes me look cool! Valkyrie: Tripping over a basketball on your way to the bathroom is not cool!

Tsu: Shinsou, Valkyrie, I love y’all and all, but can I ask what in the hell are you doing? Shinsou, trying to stabilize a tower of folding chairs that Valkyrie is sitting atop: Oh nothing much. Valkyrie: I love you too :)

Shinsou: I wanna sleep for 40 hours. Valkyrie: You know that's called a coma, right? Shinsou: Shinsou: That sounds so refreshing, I could totally go for a light coma right now.

Tsu: Isn’t it weird how we pay money to see other people? Shinsou: You mean movies? Valkyrie: Concerts? Momo: Prostitutes? Tsu: Wha…N-no, I mean glasses, what the fuck-

Valkyrie, dramatically: They called me a fool. Momo, sick of Valkyrie's shit: They weren’t wrong.

Valkyrie: falls down the stairs Momo: Are you okay? Tsu: Stop falling down the stairs! Midoriya: How’d the ground taste?

Valkyrie: I do two things and two things only. I devastate sorry motherfuckers, and get shit done as an awesome leader.

Shinsou: Eat shit and die, Midoriya!!! Midoriya: Eat shit and live, Shinsou.

Midoriya: Remember everyone, violence is never the answer. Valkyrie: You're right, Midoriya.. Violence can't be the answer. Midoriya: Correct, Valkyrie. Now, on to the next lesso- Valkyrie: Violence is the question. Valkyrie: And the answer is yes! Midoriya: Valkyrie, no!!

Hatsume: If there’s one thing I learned from Midoriya, it’s to set people’s expectations real low, so you end up surprising them by practically doing nothing at all.

Store Worker: Would a “Valkyrie” please come to the front desk? Valkyrie, arriving at the desk: Hello, is there a problem? Store Worker, pointing to Midoriya and Hatsume: I believe they belong to you? Midoriya and Hatsume, simultaneously: We got lost. Valkyrie: I didn’t even bring you guys here with me—

Shinsou: What do I get? Valkyrie: A night of fashion, mischief, mayhem, and possible death. Shinsou: Ooh, check, check, and check; not sure about that last one. Valkyrie: It won't be you. Shinsou: I'll get my coat.

Shinsou: walks into the kitchen, ignoring everyone Fletcher: Hey, Shinsou, how was your day? Shinsou: picks up an onion and bites into it, staring at Fletcher Hell. Momo, watching this unfold: whispers Who hurt you?

Midoriya, bleeding out on the ground: Blood loss? No, I know exactly where it is.

Tsu: Hatsume noticed only today that they can label their email inboxes, but they took apart their entire bloody laptop two weeks ago. Momo: This reminds me of the Hatsume who couldn’t turn on the coffee maker, but remembers about 500 digits of pi. Tsu: I’ll be delighted to inform you that this is the very same Hatsume.

Valkyrie: Is this about me? Fletcher: No. Valkyrie: Then I've lost interest.