#FUCK does anyone understand this reference

[iamred-iamyellow]

he’s gonna watch the world burn this week btw

[avianii]

chemistry makes me feel slightly homicidal

[heavenlymorals]

Details that I've noticed about Arthur Morgan-

-He, for the most part, despises male touch, especially if it's overly affectionate. He gets tense anytime a man hugs him and wants it to be over as quick as possible (Jamie, Mickey) and he looks visibly offended when Professor Bell touches him. He even sometimes gets annoyed when Dutch touches him on his shoulder, someone who he considers a father figure.

-On the flip side, he does not mind female touch at all. He even initiates it sometimes (Tilly, the girl at Beaver Hollow). Now one could argue that they were high stress situations, but if Tilly was a dude, he would've just set her free, make a snide remark, give her a gun, and then he'd expect her to help him with the fighting. He is completely cool with the nun giving him a hug and doesn't get offended when Mary Beth touches his hand in their therapy session.

- He seems to be pretty well read. He knows Shakespeare, with Romeo and Juliet, and Icarus. He makes other literary references. This is probably due to Dutch. Dutch is clearly very well read and cultured. However, Arthur seems more interested in practical works like guides then philosophy and stories, given that the only book he has on his tent desk is a plant guide.

- He's great at remembering faces and less so on remembering names.

- He does have an amazing propensity to remember physical features, like how he is able to create amazing portraits of the people he meets without consistent reference. It's incredible and works back to the whole great at remembering faces thing. Same goes for animals.

- He is very curious. He is always touching things, looking at things, critiquing things, and trying to understand how they work.

- He generally refuses to be emotionally open with men and does it only with women- this could be due to the idea of the Cult of Domesticity. I've made a post about it before. Compare him speaking with the nun to Reverend Swanson. Compare him speaking to John about Dutch leaving him to him speaking to Sadie about Dutch leaving him.

- He is very connected or is fond of artistic people. He and Mary Beth talk about their journals. He is fond of Albert Mason's photography and helps him out. He is interested in Charles Chataney's artistic work, even if he doesn't like it or connect with it.

- Since a lot of camp members respond to Arthur's antagonizations with something like "not again" or "I knew I'd be next", it's safe to assume Arthur will go off on people from time to time, regardless if you play high or low honor.

- Does not have a fixed temperament. In some missions, he is more energetic and in others, he is more downtrodden. Very realistic and I fucking love it.

- Has direct eye content at all times- will look anyone in the eye and does not give a fuck. NPCs will look away from him if he stares at them.

- Gets mad when men don't behave like men, especially when it concerns women. He gets pissed at John for not stepping up and being a man to his family. He gets annoyed and even pissed off when asking why Beau couldn't have helped Penelope Braithwaite as she is his woman.

- Given how the camp falls to shit whenever Arthur isn't donating, we can safely conclude that Arthur is the most valuable member of that camp, bar maybe Hosea and Dutch.

- He is very reminiscent of the Dark Romantic, which is really interesting as a lot of times, it can be looked at as the middle ground between Romantacism and Realism, two ideologies that were very popular in the 19th century. I will make a full analysis regarding this later.

- Introverted, but not shy at all. In fact, he's very charismatic and is just as good as dealing with people as Dutch and Hosea (The Riverboat Mission) This 'dumb, mumbling' cowboy thing he's dumbed down to in the fandom is an insult to his character.

- He probably acted like a father figure to Jamie Gillis when he was still with Mary, given the fact that he taught him how to ride a horse. Will probably also make a full post about this later.

- Some people say that Arthur is around 5'10-11. Others say He's 6'0-3. Whatever his height actually is, he's still way taller than the average man during this time period, who was around 5'6. Now imagine that with muscles and armed to the teeth- fucking terrifying.

- Very sentimental. He keeps a photo of his supposedly no good Pa and wears his hat. He keeps a photo of his mother who he doesn't really remember at all. He keeps a photo of his dog, a horseshoe that probably belonged to a dead and beloved horse. He keeps a flower from his mother. Keeps a photo of Mary as well. If he had a photo of Isaac, he'd probably keep that too.

-Arthur died at 36 years old from Tuberculosis if you play high honor. The real gunslinger and outlaw Doc Holliday died at the same exact age and the same exact way.

- Genuinely doesn't give a fuck about movements, social issues, and cultural issues, but does care about individual people.

- I love him

- So fucking much

- 😃

[florencebirdsong]

Healing Hands

Agatha Harkness x Reader

Healer AU - Chapter 2/4

Summary: you can’t seem to get the same feeling Agatha gave you

Tags: naive reader, fingering, good girl, praise kink, dubious consent, brief orgasm denial, manipulative agatha, corruption kink, medical play(?)

no pronouns used for R, wearing non-descriptive dress

Words: 2,174

Authors note: here is some more manipulative agatha goodness for you i hope you enjoy <3

masterlist | ao3

Chapter One

You’re back at Healer Harkness’ place much sooner than you were hoping. Which was somewhere between the next day and never.

You had attempted to treat yourself, multiple times. But no matter how good it had felt you hadn’t been able to…finish it like Healer Harkness had. You had hoped that it wasn’t necessary, that it’s only effect was making the gel more potent. Not that it was the key ingredient. But the feeling inside of you, which had been so minorly tempered after your trip to Agatha’s, grew exponentially every time you tried to treat it yourself.

It has only been embarrassment at your inability to do what she said and how the feeling grew every time you thought of her that kept you away for so long. But it’s become unbearable. The few moments you’re able to not think about it have become rare and only the smallest thing flings your thoughts back towards Agatha and her hut.

So, you force yourself back down the long path before anyone notices how unwell you are.

Knocking on her door a second time is easier but waiting for her to answer is so much harder. The heat inside of you banks a little at the thought of her not being home but longing flares. It’s the same agony that’s been haunting you since you left.

The door opens and the look on Agatha’s face changes the moment she sees you. 

“Back again?” she asks as she opens the door wider and allows you inside. You duck your head as you nod. She doesn’t sound disappointed, exactly, but she doesn’t sound surprised either. “Healing or ingredients?” she asks just like the first time.

“The um- the same thing as before,” you say. 

“Oh, yes,” her eyes run down your body. “Your little problem.”

“It’s not so little anymore,”you try not to squirm.

“The treatment isn’t working?”

“I’m not sure,” you wrap your arms around yourself. It still feels so strange to be talking about this with another, even though she is your healer. “You said I had to do the thing. And I wasn’t able to on my own.”

“The thing?” she asks imperiously. “Do I need to remind you of what I said last time?”

“I don’t know what it’s called,” you admit quietly.

“Of course not,” Agatha snorts to herself. “You came, dear.” At your still vaguely confused look she continues. “Orgasmed. Climaxed. Creamed. There’s a few words and many euphemisms but the proper term is come, which is what you will use when referring to your treatment.”

You swallow nervously before making yourself speak again.

“You weren’t there to- I mean I wasn’t able to- to come,” you stutter. 

It’s easier to say than the other word since you haven’t heard it before Agatha but it still feels dirty, despite it being the proper term. Agatha sighs.

“It’s understandable given your experience but it does complicate things.”

“But- you can do it, right?” you rush out. “I mean you did last time, so I thought…” you trail off, abashed at your aggressive start. “I don’t want to feel this way forever and it truly keeps getting worse.” 

You’ve had to fight the horrible impulse to leave whatever social gathering you’ve attended to lock yourself in your room and do as Agatha said. It’s made doing much of anything most difficult.

“Yes, I can. But do you remember how often I said it needed to be done?” she doesn’t give you a chance to answer. “I’m very busy, dear. I can’t drop everything to fuck you.”

You squirm as she says that word from last time.

“Maybe if you show me again I might be able to do so on my own this time?”

“Doubtful. There is a slightly different method we will try instead. It will mean that you may go longer between doses but they aren’t as effective. We’ll need to increase the amount, and then again for how long it’s been since you’ve properly started your treatment.”

“Anything,” to not be so consumed by the thought of her.

“Very well” one corner of her mouth tilts up into what you think is the hint of a smile as she completely clears off her workbench. 

“Why didn’t you show me this the first time if I can go longer between doses?” you ask while she does.

“Because it must be done with two people.”

“But last time-I mean,” you stumble. Her resulting smile doesn’t help.

“I was showing you what to do at home,” she reminds you.

“Oh, right,” embarrassment floods you again.

“Does that mean I’ll need to come to you for each dose?” A strange twist of hope and anxiety curls around your lungs.

“Yes,” she says. “It is dire enough now that we can’t risk missing any while you struggle to make yourself come. Now, bend over.” She gestures at the workbench.

“Bend…over?” 

She only allows you a moment of confusion before her hands grab your hips and position you in front of the bench. You don’t get out much more than a squeak before a hand between your shoulder blades is pushing you down. You don’t fight her as she bends you over. She lifts the skirts of your dress up over your hips. You don’t stop her. She’s a healer. She knows the persisting wetness is a symptom of what’s been plaguing you.

Her cold hands skim over your thighs and that ache deep inside of you returns. The memory of her fingers inside of you has you squirming. You want to feel it again and you don’t know if you’re allowed to. Want can be so dangerous.

“Symptoms?” she asks as she spreads your legs wider apart.

“The same as before but-,” her fingers run through your wetness and you gasp. When she doesn’t say anything, languidly stroking you instead, you continue, “But stronger. A lot stronger. And it gets worse with every day.”

“I suspect it’s because you haven’t been coming when you apply the gel,” her finger dips into your entrance and your hips twitch when she pulls away. “You should’ve come back sooner.”

“I’m sorry,” you whimper. 

Instead of the reprimand you’re expecting or the slightly detached voice she’s been using, she gently rests a hand on your back.

“It’s alright, dear. You’re young and naive. There’s still time to fix it. Don’t worry, we’ll get it sorted in a jiffy,” she says and slides two fingers inside of you.

Trying to treat yourself so many times has made the feeling almost familiar now but being filled by Agatha makes it so much more and you don’t think it’s only from the new position. Although, the new angle does change the feeling. You aren’t sure which is more thrilling.

Agatha hums lowly.

“So wet,” she says, voice husky.

“Is- is that a bad thing?” you say, squirming as her fingers push into you again.

“I told you it was good,” she reminds you. “Now be still, dear.”

Her hand moves from your back to your hip and gives a reassuring squeeze. You force yourself to still but immediately fail when her fingers spread apart still inside of you. 

Gasping, you press back onto her fingers, grabbing the edge of the desk to try and ground yourself.

“Um- Healer Harkness?” you ask, voice higher than usual.

“Yes?” she asks, sounding very much like she isn’t listening.

“The gel. You haven’t used any yet.”

There’s a long pause as her fingers continue to languidly pump in and out of you.

“Ah, yes. Of course,” the abrupt departure of her fingers is makes you whimper. “Merely checking your symptoms without its effect.”

“Okay,” you say, only thinking about her fingers to being back inside of you.

The sound of the jar opening has you spreading your legs further apart without consciously thinking about it. Your hips jump again at the cool gel.

“Be good for me,” Agatha says and you try your best to. Her fingers slip so easily inside of you and you whimper when she curls them.

“There we go. Nice and deep.”

It’s not a question so you don’t bother trying to struggle with making words. You happily sink into the feel of her- her fucking you. You moan the next time she curls her fingers and your own dig into the desk. It isn’t enough. The building pleasure has stopped. Something’s missing but you aren’t sure what.

“Oh!” 

Her finger circles your clit and you try to jerk upwards. Her other hand threads through your hair and pushes you back down. 

“You need to come, dear.”

“I’m trying,” you whine.

“You aren’t if you’re trying to get away from me.”

“I wasn’t- “ is all you can get out before she presses down on your clit and the huge wave crashes inside of you. The hand in your hair moves back to your hip to keep you still as your arch under her. She fucks you through it like last time and you expect her to stop when you finally go limp. She doesn’t. Her pace slows slightly but otherwise nothing changes. Her other hand grips your hip tighter as you begin to squirm. The pleasure building much faster than before. 

“Hea- “ is all you get out before her finger swipes over your clit again and turns it into a broken moan.

“You need to catch up on your treatment. We’ll have to go again, dear.”

You moan. It feels too good to be embarrassed by how much you want her to keep going. The awful empty feeling of the last few weeks is gone. Replaced by spine-tingling pleasure. Why would you ever want to treat yourself when she makes it feel this good?

“There we go,” Agatha murmurs as you fully give in to her. “Such a good girl.”

Your toes curl. You want her to say it again. She only said it the once last time but surely if you behave better than you did then, if you accept everything she gives you, she’ll call you it again.

Her fingers curl every time she bottoms out inside of you and you’re a moaning mess. You don’t try to hide the sounds. You don’t care anymore. You just don’t want her to stop.

You’re suddenly empty.

“No!” you gasp, desperately humping the hair. 

“We need more gel,” Agatha says and runs her hand down your side like it’s meant to be soothing. The only thing you feel is the ache of wanting it inside of you. 

“Please,” you whimper.

“Hush,” she says.

You can’t hear anything else over your heart beating in your ears. You resist the urge to beg again. She told you to be quiet so you will be. Even if the ache inside of you feels like it’s going to kill you. 

One hand returns to your hip and you eagerly push them back towards her. She gently spreads the gel around your dripping lips and you make a pathetic noise as you try and get her inside of you. She laughs quietly and nudges your clit so you make another.

“Please.“

This time she pushes three fingers inside of you and you can’t help the guttural moan that bursts out of you. Her movements are harsher than before. Her fingers slam into you with a force you haven’t felt before and her other hand is gripping you so tight her nails are digging in. It feels amazing. Your skin stings as her nails release you. She finds your clit within a second and you see stars.

You come hard enough to arch off the table. You swear you hear Agatha moan behind you as you squeeze so tightly around her. 

She works you through slower this time, and her hands are gently by the time electricity stops zinging through your body.

“Very good, dear,” she says and it feels almost as nice as when she calls you a good girl.

Her hands stay on the the same as last time and it takes you a little longer to fully come back to yourself. Eventually, you push yourself back up. You wobble a little as you feel how wet you are down there. But Agatha hasn’t said anything so you’re sure you’re fine.

Turning to her, you’re greeted with the same blown pupils from last time.

“You’ll need to come back tomorrow,” she says.

“That soon?” you ask like you aren’t jumping for joy inside.

It feels wrong to want it so badly. Agatha is only healing you. Yet you can’t stop the want from growing. 

“Yes. Like I’ve said. We have a lot of catch up to do.”

You nod your head obediently and go to the door. You hesitate at the threshold, biting your lip.

“How many times?” you force out.

Many, you beg her to say. The idea of never experiencing this again is too awful not to be comforted by memories of it.

Her smile is sharp. “However many it takes.”

Chapter Three

[greengoblinswifey]

Swim

summary— your dad’s best friend accompanies your family on a trip to California and things take an unexpected turn.

pairing— dad’s best friend!rafe x fem!reader

warnings— age gap(rafe is 40, reader is 20), unprotected sex, creampie, choking, ass slapping, degrading kink, praise kink, daddy kink, face fucking, fingering, reader is referred to as little girl by rafe a few times.

Part II

The sun glistened off the California shoreline, warm against your deep skin tone as you strutted along the beach in your skimpy black thong bikini. The ocean breeze felt good, and you were aware of the heads turning as a few boys nearby tried to catch your attention, throwing casual compliments your way. Your dad noticed and frowned from his chair, clearly uncomfortable with what you were wearing.

“She’s still your little girl, man, but she’s not a little girl anymore,” Rafe Cameron, your dad’s best friend’s voice cut through the air, smooth and relaxed. He sat next to your dad, sunglasses on, trying to look nonchalant. But you caught him staring, his eyes roamed your body, lingering just a bit too long on your curves. You bit your lip, pretending not to notice, but you could feel his gaze burning into you.

“Still, that bikini’s a bit much, don’t you think?” your dad muttered, flipping his book shut and shaking his head.

Rafe chuckled lowly. “She’s twenty, dude. You can’t control what she wears forever. And trust me, plenty of girls her age wear less.” He was trying to sound casual, but you didn’t miss the way his voice dipped, almost possessive. You smirked to yourself, knowing full well you’d caught his eye. The man you’d be pining after for as long as you could remember.

Your dad sighed, grumbling under his breath as he pulled his sun hat lower and reclined back, clearly defeated. Rafe’s eyes were still on you as your mom walked over to rub sunscreen on your dad’s shoulders. With your dad’s attention elsewhere, you decided to push the boundaries.

You walked over to where Rafe was sitting, your hips swaying slightly as you approached. “You two used to swim a lot back in Kildare, right?” you asked innocently, tilting your head as you looked at him. “Wanna join me for a swim, Rafe?”

Rafe raised an eyebrow, clearly intrigued. “Yeah, we did. And you’re right, I could use a dip.” He stood up, tall and broad, and pulled off his shirt, revealing his toned chest. Your stomach tightened just watching him, the tension between you thick and undeniable.

You both glided into the cool water, and you felt his large hand subtly rest on your lower back as you moved deeper into the waves. Every little touch sending a pulse of heat through your body. As you floated in the water, one of the boys who had been hitting on you earlier passed by, smirking.

“I didn’t peg you for the caregiver type,” he sneered, glancing from you to Rafe with a raised brow.

Before Rafe could say something snarky, you cut in, your voice dripping with confidence. “I like my men older, and more experienced.” You met the boy’s eyes with a smirk. “You wouldn’t understand.”

Rafe let out a low chuckle beside you, clearly pleased. “Damn right, she does,” he muttered under his breath, his grip on your waist tightening slightly.

You swam a bit deeper, away from prying eyes, and Rafe stayed close, his hands accidentally grazing your ass as he floated you. You could feel him stealing glances at your chest, your perky breasts barely covered by your bikini top. The air between you two sizzled.

“Oops,” Rafe said with a teasing grin as his fingers brushed over your ass again. You knew it wasn’t an accident, but the thrill of it all only made your heart race faster.

“Careful, Rafe,” you teased, meeting his gaze with a mischievous glint. “Wouldn’t want to give anyone the wrong idea, would we?”

He laughed softly, his voice deep. “Not unless you want me to.” His words sent a shiver down your spine, the heat between you two growing. He floated closer, his body brushing against yours, and you could feel the tension crackling in the space between you.

“You’ve got quite the mouth on you, don’t you?” he murmured, his eyes flicking from your lips to your body.

“You seem to like it,” you said back, feeling bolder with each word. His eyes darkened, his hand slipping down to your hip, his fingers skimming the edge of your bikini bottom.

“Maybe I do,” he admitted, his voice husky. I’d like to fuck it, was what he wanted to say. You floated closer to him, your chest nearly brushing his as the waves gently rocked you together.

He leaned in just a little, his lips hovering near your ear. “Keep teasing me like that, and we’ll see what happens.”

You smirked, biting your lip. “Promise?”

Rafe grinned wickedly, but before he could say anything more, the sound of your family calling broke the moment. You both pulled away, but the heat between you lingered as you returned to the shore, his eyes never leaving your body.

Rafe quickly straightened up as your mom called out from the shore, waving you both over. “Dinner time!” she yelled, gesturing to the towels where your dad and brother were already sitting, towels wrapped around them.

You exchanged a quick look with Rafe before nodding and heading toward the shore. The air between you two still buzzed with everything that had happened in the water, but you both played it cool, keeping some distance now as you approached your family.

“Fun swim?” your dad asked, raising an eyebrow as he glanced between you and Rafe, though his tone was light.

“Yeah, it was great,” you replied, flashing a smile as you grabbed your towel to dry off.

Rafe casually plopped down next to your dad, pulling a beer from the cooler. “Like old times,” he said, clinking his bottle against your dad's, his tone easy, though his eyes briefly flicked over to you as you settled on the towel across from them.

As everyone settled into conversation and dinner, you couldn’t help but steal glances at Rafe. He looked relaxed, chatting with your dad like nothing was out of the ordinary, but you noticed the way his gaze lingered on you when he thought no one was watching. That same electricity sparked every time your eyes met, and you found yourself playing with the hem of your bikini absentmindedly, your thoughts drifting back to the water.

After dinner, the sun began to set, casting a warm golden glow over the beach. Your little brother and parents decided to go for a sunset walk along the shore, leaving you and Rafe behind at the towels.

“Want another swim before they get back?” Rafe asked, his voice low as he stood, extending a hand toward you.

You hesitated for a moment, glancing in the direction of your family as they walked off, before nodding and taking his hand. “Why not?” you said, your pulse quickening as he pulled you to your feet.

You both glided back into the water, the cool ocean now contrasting with the lingering heat between you. This time, when his hand brushed your lower back, there was no mistaking the intent. You turned to face him, your bodies close again, the space between you disappearing just like before.

Rafe leaned in, his lips close to your ear as he whispered, “Thought about what you said earlier, about liking older, more experienced men.”

You smirked, looking up at him through your lashes. “Still thinking about that, huh?”

He chuckled, his hand sliding down to your waist. “Hard to forget when you're parading around in that little bikini, little girl.”

You felt your heart race, the playful banter quickly turning into something more as his hand slipped lower, his fingers grazing the curve of your ass. “Rafe-” you started, but the warning in your voice was half-hearted at best.

“I can stop," he murmured, though his hands stayed where they were, "but I don’t think you want me to.”

You didn’t respond with words, but the way you pressed your body closer to his was answer enough.

Rafe pulled back slightly, his eyes searching yours as the waves lapped around your legs. “We should head back,” he said, though there was a hesitant note in his voice that didn’t quite match the determination in his gaze. “This is wrong.”

“Yeah, but you’re not known for doing the right thing, are you?” you replied, your voice barely above a whisper.

He chuckled. “No, I’m not,” he admitted, leaning closer. “You can stop this right now, you know? I won’t push you.” His gaze locked onto yours, searching for any sign of uncertainty.

You didn’t want to stop. Instead, you wrapped your legs around him, pulling him closer as you whispered, “I don’t want to stop.”

His hands moved to your ass, squeezing as he captured your lips with his. The kiss deepened, filled with urgency, as the ocean swirled around you both. Rafe broke the kiss, his breath hot against your cheek. “Use your words.”

You swallowed hard, looking into his eyes. “I want this, Rafe. I want you.”

His signature smirk appeared, the corners of his mouth curling up. “Then let’s go.”

You pulled out your phone, quickly texting your brother to cover for you. With a rush of adrenaline, you followed Rafe as he led you back to his hotel room, the weight of what you were about to do hanging in the air like a charged storm.

Once inside, the door clicked shut behind you, and Rafe turned to you, his expression a mix of mischief and desire. “We can take this slow if you want,” he said, but the way he looked at you told you he wasn’t sure he could handle that.

You didn’t want slow. You stepped into the bathroom, your heart racing as you took a deep breath. “Let’s shower,” you said, your voice steady despite the whirlwind of emotions.

Rafe followed, his eyes darkening with hunger as he watched you. You turned your back to him and slowly peeled off your bikini. You glanced back at him, and you could see the awe in his eyes. “Wow,” he breathed, taking a step closer. “You’ve grown up, haven’t you?”

You smirked, biting your lip at the way he looked at you like you were a masterpiece. He slipped off his swim trunks, revealing himself, and you gasped at how impressive he was. “Wow,” you muttered, your heart racing.

Rafe stepped into the shower, the warm water cascading over both of you. He pulled you against him, his hands exploring your body as you gasped at the sensation of the water mixing with his touch.

As the water poured over you, he slid his fingers down to your pussy, finding you already eager and soaked. You moaned softly as he teased you, his other hand wrapping around your throat, applying just enough pressure to make your head spin.

You moaned again, the heat pooling low in your belly. “Daddy,” you whined, feeling a rush of thrill at how wrong this all was.

“Such a naughty girl,” he murmured, his breath hot against your ear. “Calling me daddy when your real daddy is probably wondering where you are.” He smirked, clearly enjoying your submission. He shifted his grip, and you felt the intensity of his fingers as they curled inside you finding that sweet spot. The sensation was overwhelming, and you could hardly catch your breath.

“God, you’re so beautiful,” he murmured, his voice low and gravelly. He continued teasing you, his movements becoming more urgent.

You could feel yourself on the edge, his relentless movements pushing you closer to ecstasy. Every touch sent shockwaves through you, and all you could do was surrender to the pleasure as you felt yourself about to explode.

“Do it, cum for daddy, sweet girl,” he ordered and as he did, you felt yourself let go on his fingers. Your moans filled the bathroom but were masked by the sound of the shower.

“That’s it, that’s a good little girl.”

You smiled and he finished cleaning you up before you stepped out of the shower and dried yourselves off.

Get on your knees,” he commanded softly as soon as you were out the bathroom, a mix of dominance and lust in his voice.

You looked up at him, heart racing, excitement coursing through you. There was something thrilling about this moment, something you had never experienced before. With a slight nod, you sank to your knees and looked up at him with wide, eager eyes.

Rafe smirked, a dangerous glint in his eyes. “I’m going to use your mouth like a pussy. Just like this.” He stroked your cheek, his thumb grazing your lips. “You ready?”

“Yes daddy,” you breathed, the word slipping out before you could think. You were ready for whatever he had in mind.

He guided you closer, your heart pounding as you felt his presence looming above you. “Just remember,” he said, leaning down so his lips brushed your ear, “you can always tell me to stop.”

You nodded, determination filling you. You wanted this. You wanted him. Fuck telling him to stop.

With that, he held your head firmly, guiding you as he pressed forward. The sensation was overwhelming, and you could feel the heat rising between you. He thrusted harshly, your breath hitching as he filled the space around you.

“Good girl,” he murmured, watching you closely, his expression a mix of pleasure and satisfaction. “You’re doing so well for your daddy.”

As you adjusted to him, he began to set a rhythm, a harsh pace that filled the hotel room with the sound of muffled breaths and gagging. You could feel his hands in your hair, holding you in place as you surrendered to the moment, feeling exhilarated as he shoved his cock into the back of your throat like there was no tomorrow

“Look at you,” he said, his voice low and gravelly. “So eager, such a perfect slut.”

The air around you was charged, and in that moment, you knew that everything had changed. You were both aware of the boundaries being pushed, the thrill of doing something forbidden igniting a fire within you.

“Daddy’s gonna cum baby, and you’re gonna swallow every last drop of my cum yeah?” You said something inaudible with his dick down your throat and he let out a mix between a chuckle and a moan.

“Here it comes slut, open up that fucking throat, yeah, fucking take it, swallow it whore.”

You nodded, parting your lips as you leaned forward, ready to please him. He watched you, eyes dark with desire as you took him in, the heat of the moment consuming you both. His hands tangled in your hair, guiding you as he thrust gently into your mouth.

“Good girl,” he praised, his breath hitching as you adjusted to him. “Just like that. Keep going.”

You complied, taking him deeper as he let go, your mouth filled with him. The sensation of him spilling into your mouth was overwhelming, and you didn’t hesitate to swallow every drop, relishing the way he looked at you afterward, part shocked, part completely enthralled.

As you caught your breath, he lifted you up from your knees by your neck, his expression shifting to one of seriousness. He threw you onto the bed, the softness of the sheets contrasting with the intensity of the moment. “If we do this, there’s no going back,” he warned, his voice low and serious. “Your dad would kill me if he found out.”

“I don’t care about that right now,” you replied, your heart racing with excitement and danger. “I only care about the daddy in front of me.”

He raised an eyebrow, a playful smirk dancing on his lips. “Is that so?”

“Yeah,” you said, biting your lip. “I want your cock, right here, right now.”

With a low chuckle, he climbed on top of you, his weight pressing you into the mattress. “Then let’s make this count,” he said, locking eyes with you as he prepared to take you further than you ever imagined.

“Please daddy.”

With a swift motion, he captured your wrists, pinning them above your head. “Good,” he said, his lips curling into a devilish smirk. “Then let’s see how much you can take.”

He thrust into you hard, filling you completely in one smooth motion. A gasp escaped your lips as pleasure and pain intertwined, your back arching at the sudden intrusion. Rafe’s breath was hot against your ear as he pressed his weight into you, dominating the space between your bodies.

“Tightest fucking whore pussy I’ve ever had,” he groaned, pulling back and slamming into you again, harder this time. You moaned, feeling the pleasure build with each thrust. “You like that, don’t you?” he taunted, a wicked glint in his eye.

“M-mhm,” you stammered, your voice barely above a whisper.

“Use your words, baby,” he said, his grip on your wrists tightening just enough to remind you who was in control. “Tell me how good it feels.”

“It feels amazing, daddy! Don’t stop!” you cried out, your body responding to his every movement.

He released your wrists, allowing you to wrap your arms around his neck, pulling him closer as he picked up the pace. “You’re going to be my little secret, my fucking cock slut, my baby girl,” he growled, his lips brushing against your neck as he left hot kisses along your skin. “No one else gets to see you like this. I’m going to ruin you for anyone else.”

A shiver of excitement raced down your spine at his words. “Yes, please. I want you to ruin me,” you replied breathlessly.

With a primal growl, he increased the intensity, thrusting into you with a relentless rhythm that had your body and the bed shaking. “That’s it, baby. Take it all,” he encouraged, his voice laced with raw hunger.

You could feel the tension building, coiling tighter within you. “I’m so close!” you gasped, your nails digging into his back.

“Cum for me,” he commanded, his hips driving into you with fervor. “Show me how good I make you feel.”

With a final thrust, you shattered, waves of ecstasy crashing over you as you screamed daddy. Rafe followed closely behind, burying himself deep as he filled you, the heat of his release mixing with your own.

He collapsed onto you, both of you panting for breath, your bodies intertwined. “What did I tell you?” he murmured, kissing your forehead softly. “You’re mine now.”

[sufficientlylargen]

Corrections

We here at Sufficiently Large Ndustries pride ourselves on our unwavering commitment to factual accuracy in all things.

Recently, it has come to our attention that certain details of this post, hereinafter referred to as the "Fuck Yeah Stick-Elf" post, or FYSE, seem to contradict the canon established by internationally-known author Jonald Ronald Rolkien Tolkien (h/t @elodieunderglass for explaining his full name).

Because of our unwavering commitment to factual accuracy in all things, we cannot possibly have made any mistakes, so we wish to issue several corrections to your understanding to demonstrate that we were correct all along:

Question: Don't the Gondorians call him Mithrandir?

Answer: Not all Gondorians.

Canonically, Tolkien notes that the people of Gondor use the Sindarin name Mithrandir (from mith "grey" and randir "random", hence "some random grey guy") for Olórin. However, Tolkien's references to this are always about Gondorian nobility or royalty, who did indeed call Stick-Elf Mithrandir. This is because they were kind of pretentious, like native English speakers who insist on correcting anyone who doesn't pronounce "Paris" as "pair-REE".

When six-year-old Faramir had nightmares and ran to his father calling out "I'm scared!", Denethor would correct him, saying "No, you feel echais", because he was a dick. Part of the reason why Gondor lost a lot of its ancient glory is because it had centuries of leaders who were like this.

The average Joeromir Schmoeromir on the streets of Gondor, however, just called him Stick-Elf.

Question: If this is set in the past and Éodan is from Rohan, how could Gondor have a king?

Answer: It's not that king.

Suzannethor (the Archivist) mentions that Stick-Elf brought fireworks for the king's birthday, but Gondor's last king, King Eänur, died in T.A. 2050, almost five centuries before Rohan was founded in T.A. 2510 (special thanks to @thinkinginquenya for pointing out this discrepancy).

The answer is that FYSE is set in T.A. 2703, well after Rohan's founding; When the characters refer to "the king", they're not referring to royalty, but rather to the famous Númenórean musician Aarondil Préslion, often called "The King of Chant and Lyre" or just "The King" for short.

At this point there weren't many Men with enough Númenórean blood to have the sort of longevity that Aarondil had, leading to rumors that he was secretly an elf, hence his stage name, Elvish Présli.

Some of his most famous songs, like "Jailhouse Dirge" and "You Ain't Nothin' But a Warg Dog" are still popular today. Olórin was particularly fond of "Blue Steel Shoes", a lively jig about plate mail maintenance, and this is why he brought fireworks to Présli's 90th birthday party.

Question: Why does Elrond say "here in the North" in Gondor?

Answer: Elrond is a very sleepy boi.

In FYSE, Elrond says "Here in the North", even though generally most surviving texts of Middle-Earth are Gondo-centric and use "The North" to refer to lands north of Gondor, like Arnor/Eriador or the Forodwaith.

However, Jenniforomir just woke Elrond up from a nap (she didn't realize this because elves sleep with their eyes open), and he's still slightly disoriented. He says "Here in the North" because he was dreaming about a pub he visited once in Annúminas (and he is slightly shaken because in the dream he had forgotten to wear clothes, he had an exam coming up that he hadn't known about, and very tiny orcs were juggling silmarils all over the place).

Question: Why would Elrond out Olórin as a Maiar?

Answer: He was already out.

Tolkien didn't mention this in the books, but Olórin travels around on horse with several Maiar Pride bumper stickers, including a plain Maiar pride flag, one that reads "Maiar tested, Valar approved", and one that reads "Maiarn't there a lot of us!". Elrond knows this, and so has no compunction telling random Gondorians that Olórin is a Maiar.

We hope that these clarifications will reassure you that we here at Sufficiently Large Ndustries have never said anything false, ever, in all directions and at all times.

[centrally-unplanned]

Academic History YouTuber Premodernist released video recently on "State Flag" discourse, and flag discourse more wildly, that I thought was pretty good! I agreed with 50% of it. For those who don't know, there is a longstanding movement in the vexillology community to push for more simplified flag designs, and they hate the state flags of the US as their antithesis; a movement that catapulted into the internet mainstream when YouTuber CGPGrey released a video riffing on that debate and grading all the state flag designs.

That video is great by the way (it's hilarious, CGP Grey is just very talented as a performer), and the biggest thing Premodernist is wrong about is that the state flags do suck. But what he gets right is that the so-called "principles" briefly referred to in the video are themselves pretty weak; some are fine but others do not hold up to much scrutiny. The state flags largely suck for the boring reason that they just suck; they are shitty designs and often repeat each other in a domain where "standing out" is the point. Like what the fuck Montana:

This is something a 5th grader whips up in PowerPoint for a class presentation. Helvetica Bold?? "Mandated by law in 1985" yeah I didn't need Wikipedia tell me this decision dates to the 80's.

But that is boring and subjective, right? You can't just say they suck. So you had to make a theory about it - and I won't go into too much detail but it generally boils down to:

Make it simple, "something a child could draw"

Make it "distinct at a distance", since it is a flag you are supposed to see it at a distance

Three colors or fewer

No words on flags

Which I think you can get the philosophy for. These principles, which CGP Grey outlines, actually come from the work of Ted Kaye, who is a big figure in the aforementioned flag reform movement and the focus of most of the video. As part of the original CGP Grey video I just rolled with that, but I did remember him showing Utah's newly designed flag at the end which embodied these principles, and uh:

This is kind of mid? Like it doesn't suck, but it looks like a corporate redesign of a hockey team logo or something. A bit of a red flag (hah) if your front-and-center case is weak.

Anyway this is what Premodernist digs into in the video. The stuff I agreed with the most are the parts where he just ???? at some of these rules. "No finicky bits", a "child must draw it", "distinct at a distance"? None of these actually track for say this one:

A child drawing the US flag does not draw 50 stars and 13 stripes unless they are a budding librarian; you absolutely cannot tell if this flag has 50 stars on it from a distance, and that level of detail is clearly some kind of finicky. Of course your response is "okay sure but still, I can tell what the flag is from a distance, I can't count the 50 stars but I get the gist". But that is true for almost all flags!

It's a fern and a peace pipe and a brown thing and the word "Oklahoma" below it, you absolutely, 100%, will be able to tell what this flag is at a distance. You don't need to count the leaves to get the general shape, and when you think about it, it is actually kind of silly anyone would claim otherwise. There just isn't any need to appreciate the tiny details on a flag to understand whose flag it is. (the only valid critique here is that everything should be bigger - too much dead space)

Not to mention the "see from a distance" thing even being a metric. That isn't how you encounter flags most often today? Maybe in the 19th century on a battlefield that was (and even then you had battle standards), but it isn't now. You see it in textbooks, on your computer screen, as an icon for a football game team, right next to you in a government office. Why privilege distance? You just made that up as a value. 99% of "flag consumption" is not seeing it at a distance.

The "only use ~3 colors thing" is the funniest, you can just argue this with...no? No you don't. You don't. What? No. You can...you can just use more colors? Here is an example from the "manual" Ted Kaye wrote on the subject:

And the 5 bands on the chinese flag are fine! They are not "hard to look at" or whatever. Also, I am screenshotting a tiny corner of a youtube video, this image is like 240p, and I can tell its a dragon - and that isn't even the color point it is trying to make, dude just deviates off into another critique. Meanwhile the Amsterdam flag looks like a traffic warning sign. Chinese flag needs to not have the white stripe connect into the white seal background, that is an error, but otherwise I prefer it.

It is annoying how many of the state flags are a blue banners with a round seal in the middle. That does make them hard to distinguish from each other. But that isn't a problem with seal-on-blue, that is just a collective action problem! Flag-reform-favourite the tricolor can run into this too - here are the flags of the Netherlands and Luxembourg:

Like one of your needs to go home and change, that is ridiculous. Though if you had a complex seal in the middle that might avoid this problem! Funny that.

Even the "no words on a flag" argument, which I am more sympathetic to, doesn't hold up too well because too often you find yourself going "unless it is good" which just isn't a rule. The Iranian flag is the stand-out he mentions:

The middle crest is a stylized rendition of the name Allah, and the cursive lining on the tricolor bands are text as well - God Is Great, 22 times, marking the anniversary date of the Islamic Revolution. Stylistically beautiful, also words on a flag. The state flags just didn't try to do anything artistic.

I think the best point Premodernism mentions is a sort of stylistic unity Kaye & Co are pursuing above all else - everything sacrificed for corporate minimalism. Kaye's book will say it respects history and symbols should be meaningful, but then hates any symbols that require complexity. He singles out Turkmenistan as an ugly flag for example:

And as I said I only 50% disagree sometimes, I do think there is a complexity limit, and this flag goes over it, that is too detailed. Though the main reason this flag is bad is the weird choice to not put the banner at the edge, and have the crescent just...float off center? If it was this:

Two seconds in paint, already better, you can play with it. But anyway, you can say the symbols are too complex, but if you also say you care about historical meaning? Turkmenistan is a nation of traditional semi-nomadic tribes, who populated the Silk Road and made textiles as their ultimate expression of art. These carpet guls are traditional symbols used in those carpets that represent the five major tribes that compose the country. You can't just invent new symbols that have equal meaning to these, right? Like you can try if you want, sure, new symbols become meaningful all the time. But a rule that says "all art from before 1950 is tossed in the dumpster because it wouldn't pass muster as a Pepsi logo" is a weird rule to adopt if you say you value historical meaning. Turkmenistan does not have to look like France, and it is weird to want every national symbol to be aesthetically coherent to each other. Let 100 flags bloom! It is certainly "distinct at a distance" lol.

Anyway that is enough summarizing of a YouTube video - as I mentioned, he actually likes the state flags, I don't, I do think you have to balance a lot of this with just "general design principles". Never have your name on a flag in Helvetica Bold, amazing I had to write that one down for you. But a lot of these flag-specific rules derived from Kaye's work I often see bandied about are silly, and I was glad to see someone point that out.

[bullet-prooflove]

What Puts You On That Ledge: Jack Abbot x Reader

Tagged: @kmc1989 @dizzybee03 @noxytopy @flyinglama @yousigned-upforthis

References to:

Masochist - You and Jack have an indepth understanding of one another.

Companion piece to:

Boston - You reflect on the past after your ex-husband makes an appearance on a trying day.

This God Damn Fucking Day - Jack steps into the fray with things get messy between you and you ex-husband.

Misdemeanour - Jack's forced to step in when you get arrested because of your ex-husband.

Fishtail - Jack helps you decompress in the aftermath of your ex-husband.

Love Language (NSFW) - Jack has his own unique love language.

Jack tries to hide the magazines, the ones with your ex-husband’s face on the cover. He doesn’t realise they even exist until he starts his shift and sees Myrna sitting there in her wheelchair engrossed in the glossy pages.

“You have got to be fucking with me.” He mutters as he snatches one up off the counter and flicks through it.

The main feature is a tell all article by one of the celebrities he fucked, Madeline Jaeger. She details the salacious affair that started when she was a patient of his, undergoing treatment in his recovery centre. The light touches that turned into a hand up her skirt, the hour long ‘sessions’ on his couch, then there’s the other stuff, the depraved stuff that Jack knows featured in your own bedroom throughout that marriage.

Did his wife come into your mind any point, the interviewer had asked.

Yes, Madeline had answered. He told me she couldn’t give him what she needed. She was emotionally cold, frigid. She didn’t enjoy the things that he wanted, not the way that I did. 

His stomach drops because your secrets are right there in print, for all the world to see. He wants to scream, to maim something, to destroy every single part of the man that hurt you but he can’t because the asshole has sequestered himself into one of his friends rehab clinics. Sex addiction he claims. It has your mother’s handiwork written all over it.

He destroys the magazines instead, collecting every single one of them he can find before he sets fire to them in the dumpster outside, an extinguisher in his hand as he watches the pages turn to ash.  

“You may have burned the physical evidence.” Myrna reminds him when he sits back down at his work station. “But the internet is forever Sweet Cheeks.”

“Fuck.” He hisses because that article is the first thing that comes up when he Googles your name. All of your achievements, the papers you’ve worked on, the journals you’ve submitted to it’s all pushed down underneath the weight of this story.

“You’ve got to tell her.” Myrna counsels, squeezing his arm lightly. “Better coming from you than anyone else.”

As much as he wants to protect you from this bullshit she’s right, he doesn’t want you to get blindsided by this mess, to have someone throw it in your face. He takes the elevator up to Psych, his heart palpitating in his chest with every floor that ticks by.

The moment he sees your face, he knows it’s already too late. Your jaw is clenched, your expression completely impassive. You’ve shut down completely, he understands. It’s the only way you can contain the damage to your psyche.

It’s how you got through your first marriage, don’t react, pretend it doesn’t touch you, that it doesn’t hurt you.

He finds you on the roof after his shift, standing on the same spot that he does from time to time. He hasn’t realised how terrifying it is until this moment, how there’s nothing to stop you from taking that step and hurtling over the edge.

“I understand now why you do this.” You say as he approaches you, his hand tangling in your lab coat, gripping it tightly. “How sometimes it can be the only thing that makes you feel alive.”

He understands the reality of what’s happening in this moment, you’re suffering the same affliction that he does. You’ve numbed yourself so much to what’s going on around you that you can’t seem to be able to flick the switch back on.

“It’s not the only thing.” He tells you as he lands a sudden sharp pinch on your ass.

“Jesus fucking Christ.” You yelp and he tugs you back against the safety rail with his grasp on your labcoat.

“Hurts doesn’t it?” He murmurs, his breath ghosting in your ear. “Makes you irrationally angry?”

“Oh you fucker.” You mutter as you turn to face him and he can see the fire in your eyes, the life flooding back into you. “You just shrinked me didn’t you?”

“I learned from the best honey.” He says as he takes your hand and helps you back over the railing. “You’re the only one that’s ever been able to get me off that ledge.”

Love Jack? Don’t miss any of his stories by joining the taglist here.

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Like My Work? - Why Not Buy Me A Coffee

[arf2004]

i forgot to add that we are actively being killed by our government every day through gross negligence and even murdered intentionally constantly. disabled people are not safe in this country. people of colour are not safe in this country. queer people are not safe in this country. the citizens of the country that you are placing the blame on are having pur votes suppressed. we are living in a country where a man running for president has a plan to become a full blown dictator with power of every part of our lives. and he is running for president with that AS HIS PLATFORM. and the vocal minority of people that is supporting this kind of shit is all in power in our government fueled by voter suppression and voter tampering. russia is involved in our elections to an extent i previously only considered a joke and its just becoming a reality before my eyes. we are being killed from the inside. i am not saying that you cant be annoyed by americans but i dont know what good it really does to try and treat the individuals who live here as a Monolith That Hurts You when so many of us are dying and barely surviving.

i understand why this is the case which is why ill never say anythijg about it to people because i believe they have the right to feel this way even if i dont necessarily think it needs verbalized on tumblr lol... but id be a hypocrite since im writing this right now. that being said, occasionally ill see a post talking about the ways in which americans are to blame for [blank] and i truly dont know what to say to it much of the time because americans are being shot and drowning and dying on the street at a higher rate than most of the countries i see people complaining from 😭 like obviously this shouldnt happen to ANYONE. and you are also allowed to complain about the ways in which the american populous contributes to the things that you atruggle with. but this just goes hand in hand to me with comparing ANY group of people to their governement. especially because there is so much hatred and prejudice towards the usamerican south, both in and out of the country, that is pure classism, ableism, and racism. its all it is. and there is so little in a rich or middle class persons brain that makes them want to understand the plight of the poor and impoverished that they simply dont even make the attempt. i dont find value in fighting about when people are more or less oppressed than me generally, i understand i live in a position of relative privledge when you take the rest of the world into account. but i find that often big posts on tumblr that i see mutuals reblogging in good faith will just kind of assumes that whichever american is reading their post is well off because they have a phone or access to the internet like girl i was scrolling tumblr on the library computers to stay sane some days when i was homeless JJFJFJC you find anything u can sometimes. this is more of a personal ramble and this doesnt mean anything about any moral implications of any actions described, just kind of some food for thought for anyone who happens to stumble accross this i suppose on top of just being me yelling into the void lol

[butyoudidthis4what]

You’re Okay

Jack Abbot x Doctor!Reader

5.4k || All my content is 18+ MDNI.

Jack Abbot was the man who broke me.

I genuinely never thought I would write fanfic again and even when new characters and hyperfixations came I didn't, no matter how much the urge was there. I just could never go through with it. I write for a living currently and so the last thing I wanted to do when I got home from work was more writing, even if it was a different style and all my own. And then Jack Abbot entered my life at a time and I went on vacation where I had absolutely no access to work and was refreshed while also emotionally going through it and really had the urge to write and so here we are. A perfect storm.

In typical me fashion I decided I was so sad and anxious that I just wanted some happy fluffy stuff and wrote the exact opposite. I'm just an angst with a happy ending girl what can I say. But also I just really want someone to comfort me like this and it was cathartic to write. However, I'm not going to lie that I started feeling a bit better when writing this so it became a bit harder to write, weave together, and finish and I'm just rusty. Read the CWs please, it's rough stuff and potentially triggering, so protect yourself, and if I missed any please (nicely) let me know.

I have a number of other ideas and thoughts for this man and am desperate to yell about him so feel free to send your thoughts in the ask box or DM me to yell about Jack.

Titles and summaries are unlikely to ever get better. Please be gentle with me as this is my first foray back into writing and posting in years. Please let me know if you like it. I thrive on positive feedback.

Again, please read the CWs: suicidal ideation; self harm ideation; extreme depression and anxiety discussed; discussion of anxious depressive attack; reference to rescue meds; self hate; reader is not okay; reader tries to push Jack away; abandonment issues and themes.

Summary: You have an anxious depressive attack for no readily apparent reason. Jack is the best and gets you through it. Happy ending. Established relationship. You and Jack live together. Age gap but not specified or referenced. No use of y/n or related. Absolutely zero proofreading, I mean none. No beta. This is also a bit open ended and could be conducive to a part two depending on reception and if anyone would be interested.

The sadness consumes you, sticks to you like the tegaderm you apply to patients. The most irritating part is how it just seemed to have come out of nowhere. Sure, you were feeling a bit more anxious and depressed than usual, but nothing horrific. And then it got a little worse towards the end of your first twelve hours. But then around hour sixteen it was like you just walked into a black hole and were totally consumed by it as you took a few minutes to yourself to use the bathroom. 

It was the crying out of absolutely fucking nowhere for no apparent reason kind of sadness. The kind that left you perpetually teetering on a ledge and unable to breathe. The kind that makes you think this is it, you’re so broken now you’re past the point of fixable. Makes you think you will just be here forever, stuck in this sadness, unable to move or enjoy anything, condemned to a life of faking it. Makes you itch to hurt yourself. The kind that is so consuming and distorting it makes you ideate and think that ending it all might be an act of kindness to yourself and your closest; you no longer consumed by the sadness and them no longer burdened with you. The kind that is so frustrating for you because one sliver of logical, rational brain large enough to understand what is happening and that your brain is manipulating you escapes, so you know that you’re being unreasonable, that it’ll pass and yet you can’t seem to believe it. Or maybe it’s that you do believe it, it’s just that surviving until it does pass seems so hard and you are so tired. 

Work keeps you busy. Busy enough to be able to push the thoughts to the side and just live with the feelings for now, both mentally and physically. You can focus on others, on fixing others, saving others, solving other people’s problems. It’s a good distraction, but just that. A distraction. It does nothing to fix anything and the second it’s gone you know it will all come crashing down. 

Jack’s eyes are scanning for you the second he walks in the ED. Something was off with you when he finished his shift and left you for the second half of your double. You’d assured him you were just tired and would get some more caffeine and be good and he hadn’t pushed you. He’d told you to text or call him if you needed him, that he would probably get some sleep but would sleep with his phone on loud and near his head in case you needed him. He could just sense it on you.

You hear him make some sarcastic remark back to someone before you see that he’s here and it makes your heart race. There’s a little burst of happiness at seeing him of course, but then even that is overcome again by the sadness that rules your mind currently. You don’t want to ruin his mood, don’t want him to have to deal with you. It makes you more anxious, threatens to rip you in half in deciding what to do, tell him or try and pretend. You know that would be pointless though and you don’t really have a choice. Not when it comes to him. One look at your face and he’s going to read you like a chapter book. You thought the time getting home and ability to take some meds since you wouldn’t be working might help you calm down enough for it to not be quite as bad once you got home. You look back down at your tablet but chew hard on the inside of your cheek, taste the iron of your own blood, and when Mel walks up to you with a question you shift your tablet so that you can dig your nails into the skin of your hand. Just something to ground you. Just a little physical pain to match the internal.

Jack clocks it from where he is, finding you just as you look back down at your tablet. Your nails and cheek. There’s something else about the way you’re holding yourself that’s off too. His own anxiety ticks up. Were you hurt? Did something happen? He turns back to ask Santos if something happened this shift but she’s already gone. When he looks back over to where you were standing with Mel he finds you and Mel gone. He thinks you just went with her until he spots her alone with a patient. 

You had to flee after answering her question and telling her you were off and to spread the word if anyone asked. You wouldn’t know how else to describe it other than giving into this urge to run and hide. Some sort of flight or fight thing undoubtedly, you’d just never had the feeling before. You had to get out of there before you lost it in front of everyone. 

Jack being here isn’t good. It wasn’t the plan, the one you’ve been preparing and repeating to yourself all day to get through it without losing it. You’d get off, go home, he’d be there and you’d be okay and not feel like this because he’d be there. Or at least if you still were feeling like this he would be there and that would make it a little better, a bit less suffocating. It would make it all feel survivable. 

But now he’s here and you can only assume that means he picked up a shift and you’ll have to go home to an empty place, something you’re not sure you trust yourself with right now. You try and tell yourself it’ll be fine, that you’ll take some meds at home and just sleep through it until he gets back and then sleep more with him and that the feelings will pass. And you know it’s true. Your logical brain knows that these feelings will pass. Your emotional brain that tells you you’re going to be stuck in this all-consuming sadness and anxiety wins, however, and the thoughts just won’t stop. The physical feeling of sadness and anxiety won’t leave. It’s enough to make you gag. 

You don’t want to ruin his roof for him but you don’t know where else to go and think maybe you’ll find whatever it is Jack finds up here that seems to help him. And really you know you want him to find you. Need him to. Need him to take one look at your face and know how to help you, how to comfort you, like he always does. You hate putting that on him, though.    

You don’t even consciously do it. You just look up and realize where you are. Right on the ledge. It’s so metaphoric it’s disgusting. It’s odd though, being on the other side of the guard rails. It feels like it should be scary or exhilarating in some kind of way but it’s just not. It’s nothing. Everything is nothing except that everything is also abhorrently and suffocatingly sad in a way you can’t explain. You let your hands come out a little and catch the wind. Some part of you hopes it’ll carry you away. It doesn’t and you’re so in your head you don’t hear the door or him as he walks over to you until he speaks. 

“You’re in my spot, Doll.” His voice is gentle, feeling you out and giving you room. He’s desperate to see your eyes, to read your face in the way only he can. 

You shrug. “I suppose I am.” 

He walks a little closer, rests his arms on the bar. He doesn’t know yet, how bad things are, how bad you are right now. You’re just a little too good at hiding it with your back to him when he can’t see your eyes or face. “Bad shift?”

It takes you a minute to respond and when you do it’s a single word and an iciness starts to seep through him. “No.” 

The way you say it is off. The way you sound, the way you’re standing, body leaning just slightly forward.

“What’s up? You don’t seem okay. What happened?” The genuine concern in his voice melts you but at the same time a large part of you feels bad for it, for making him concerned and worried about you. It’s unfair of you to do. 

You shake your head a little in response. “Nothing.” As much as it sounds like a lie, it’s really the truth, at least to his last question. Nothing happened.

“Did you pick up a shift tonight?” You ask him quietly. 

“No.” “Why are you here then?”

He gives a soft laugh, almost a touch of disbelief to it. “I don’t know, the way you seemed when I left and we said goodbye. I thought you were just tired but it sat with me, stayed with me when I woke up. I just felt, I don’t know, drawn to come pick you up. Get my eyes on you as soon as I could.” There’s a pause. “I’m glad I came.” 

You hum. You hate that he can pick it up off of you, that you can’t hide it better to protect him.

He’s never seen you go past the guard rail and combined with your demeanor and body language and the aura radiating off you it scares him, scares the fuck out of him right now. “Will you come here, please? Even if not to me, just to the other side.” There’s a pause as you consider. He leans back up off the rail to keep his hands free, ready to jump and grab you by the scrub top if he has to. 

You don’t want to scare him, to hurt him. That’s the whole problem. And then you end up doing so anyway. He deserves so much better. You hate yourself.

“I’m afraid if you touch me I’ll shatter. Just totally fucking lose it. And you shouldn’t have to deal with that.” The way you say it tells him you want nothing more than to be in his arms. He’s right of course. He recognizes it for what it is beneath your words, an invitation for him to pull you back to him. Physically, mentally, and emotionally.

“Alright.” It’s his normal voice. Just Jack. He reaches and grabs your arm with his hand, gentle, but firm enough to keep you from going anywhere and show his seriousness. “You’re coming back on this side. Now.” It’s his Dr. Abbot voice, the one you know he must have developed in the service. “Please Doll.” And there’s your Jack, the tone he only uses with you, soft and sweet, empathetic, vulnerable in a strong way. Full of the love he has for you. You know if you pulled away he’d let you, but you don’t want to. You want him. Want to be close to him.

You don’t shatter from his touch. Not yet anyway. You let out a long breath but nod, let him help you back to the safe side. His hands are on your face, one thumb brushing over a cheekbone as he searches your eyes. You try to look away but he follows you. He hates what he sees, how sad and small you look and must feel, the nondescript anxiety coursing through you. 

“Doll,” he says a little breathless, aching to make it all better. “I need you to talk to me, please.” It’s desperate, on the cusp of begging. “Let me help. Let me in.” If anything the dialogue is normally reversed, but it’s been a good while since you’ve had to ask him to talk to you or let you in. You’ve been together so long now that it’s automatic for him. The only things he tries to keep you out of sometimes are his PTSD and flashbacks and phantom limb pain, but even then. He’s an easy lock for you to pick.

You scrunch your shoulders up hard for a few seconds as you take a deep breath and let them fall back down as you let it out through your nose. “And if I say I’m fine?” You give him a hint of a smile.

He gives a little scoff of a laugh. “Then I’ll be hurt by how much of a blind idiot you think I am.” It’s a little reassuring though. That you still have it in you to joke. It tells him you’re still in there. 

You give him the smallest smile before your face fades back into a heartbreaking sadness. “I don’t know Jack,” you say softly. “I… Nothing is even wrong. Nothing has happened. I just…” You trail off and he lets you, gives you the space to gather your thoughts even as he watches you with concern etched into his features. You look away from him, out at the city. He can still see your eyes get glassy though, the slightest tremble of your chin before you recover. “I’m too mentally ill for you. You deserve better.”

He has to give another laugh at that. “Have you met me?”

You look at him, and while he sees sadness and hurt he also sees terror. 

“I’m just… sad. I don’t know how to describe it. It’s all consuming and feels never ending even when I can sit and rationally tell myself I have nothing to be sad or anxious about. It just doesn’t fucking matter. It still feels like I can’t breathe except I am and I’m aware of it because I’m still alive and still thinking, still sad and spiraling. I’m almost like, fucking lightheaded it’s so bad, I shake, I can’t get that pit in my stomach and burn at my diaphragm to go away and over what? There’s nothing. There’s absolutely fucking nothing for me to be this sad or anxious or upset over.” You close your eyes and bring a shaky hand to your lips. “I’m just a huge mess for no god damn reason and I fucking hate it, Jack. And you deserve better, so, so much better, even if you don’t think so or want to admit it. You deserve not to be stuck with this, with whatever it is I am.”

He opens his mouth to speak but then shuts it. There’s so much he wants to say he doesn’t know where to start. He just wants to hold you. To hug you until all the pieces of you fit back together the way you’ve done for him so many times. He wishes he had a way to let you into his mind so that you could see how much he loves you, how much he needs you. 

“I feel so fucking melodramatic. The shift was fine. Nobody died. It was a good shift if anything. Life is good. I have friends who love and care about me. I’ve got you for christ’s sake, I’m the luckiest woman in the fucking world.” You shake your head a little. “And yet here I am. Like this. Feeling like the world is falling out from under me and so sad I almost want to jump for no reason. No fucking reason. And now I’m making you deal with it, with me. I hate it. I hate myself. You would be better off without me, you really would.”

“That simply is not fucking true,” he almost gasps out, just needing to get something out to you. “Jesus fucking christ I don’t know that there would still be me without you.” You shrug. “No. Don’t shrug, please do not shrug. This is not whatever. You are not whatever. It’s true, I don’t know if I’d still be here without you. I don’t know if I could go on without you. That’s just the truth. You’re not too mentally ill for me. You’re not too sad for me, or too anxious or too whatever. I can’t deserve better when I already have the best, regardless of whether you don’t think that’s true or want to admit it.” He sees you shaking a little. “I need you.” 

His voice cracks a little on ‘need.’ “Your brain is lying to you, no matter how real it seems in this moment, I promise. It’s okay to feel this way and to need to lean on me, to need my support. It won’t push me or make me go anywhere. I want to be here for you. I want to help you, help you feel better and not so sad. The depression and anxiety don’t care if the shift was good and nobody dies and you have friends and me. That doesn’t mean you can’t feel as deeply and as badly as you do right now. It doesn’t mean it’s melodramatic. It doesn’t mean you don’t deserve your life or me. You’re struggling. That’s okay.” His thumbs wipe some tears away from your face and his heart cracks. He feels so helpless, this is one of the only things he can’t just fix for you, can’t protect you from. He wants to cry himself. “I’ve got you. This is an anxious depressive attack,” he reminds you. “You are so strong and you will come out of it. It will pass.”

“It’s just been happening more and more, Jack! I’ve been having this happen more and more. And one day you’re going to wake up and realize you’re exhausted by it. And I,” a few tears slip out as you take a shuddery breath, “I feel so fucking guilty making you deal with me and watching you deal with it, with me. How much it scares you and makes you sad. I just want the best for you, happiness and easiness and a calm, steady, good life. You deserve that. After everything you’ve been through you deserve that and more and I don’t think I’m that. I’m just more stress, more exhaustion, more to deal with. And that’s not fair and you deserve better.” The tears flow more freely now and your voice shakes with every word but you haven’t totally fallen apart somehow. 

“I get this exact same way too. I struggle too. I feel the darkness consume me just like you are now. I lean on you, ask for your help, or accept it when you have to offer because I can’t ask for myself. Why should or would I not do the same for you? Why would I give up on and abandon you when you’d never dream of doing it to me?” He asks, hands a bit firmer where they’re still holding your face. 

“It’s different,” you mutter. 

“How? How is it any different?”

You shrug. “I don’t know. It just is. You’re different. It’s okay when it’s you.” 

“Well that’s bullshit, Doll, and I know you know that,” he says with loving sternness. He softens again. “It’s okay when it’s you too, I promise. The way you feel about me when it’s me is the way I feel about you right now. It’s okay if you don’t know why you’re feeling like this and it’s okay if the reason is buried deep inside and it’s okay if there is no reason and you’re just feeling like this. It’s okay. We’re okay. I’m not dealing with you, even though your mind is telling you that. You’re not a burden. You’re not pushing me away by being like this. Your brain is lying to you right now. I’m not going anywhere. For better or worse you got yourself stuck with me when you agreed to that first date. Because I knew it was you then. And I won’t lose you and certainly not to this.” His thumbs brush over your cheeks again, one going to brush over your thumb. His eyes are so earnest it almost hurts.

You look at him for a moment and then he’s pulling you into his chest and arms as you’re falling into them. He lowers you both to the ground with you in his lap as you do finally shatter in his arms. 

You sob into him. Not soft tears that are silent or even heavy tears with some sniffing and stuttered words. It’s ugly, chest heaving. You almost seem to scream into his chest at times in between the huge breaths you try to take in. There are times where you choke, cry so hard you dry heave. But Jack doesn’t flinch, doesn’t try to get away or pull away with any kind of disgust at any of it. He just holds you, his arms warm and steady and solid around you, keeping you grounded, even if just. He rocks softly at times, shushes you softly but not to get you to be quiet, just to reassure. There are whispered words, “I know,” “It’s okay, you’re okay,” “I’ve got you,” “I’m not letting go,” “Let it out Doll, I’m here, I’ll always be here,” “I love you.” He kisses the top of your head and rubs your back, squeezes you tight to try and help you regulate, desperate to do anything he can to help. 

Eventually you cry yourself out and are reduced to small sniffles and hiccups. You go so still a couple of times he thinks you may have fallen asleep in his arms, knows how tired crying can make you, but then you let out a sigh. You pull your head from his chest a little, look up at him with sheepish eyes. It’s heartbreaking, how swollen and red your face and eyes are, how beautiful you look even this sad. 

“You don’t need to apologize,” he whispers when you go to speak. He knows you too well, better than he knows himself sometimes, you both swear.  

“I just hate it. Feeling like this. And having the rational part of my brain know at the same time that it’s ridiculous and unnecessary and all wrong but it losing to that emotional part of my brain that drags me into panic and all consuming sadness. I hate it.” You sniffle hard, try to wipe your face with your hand but it does nothing. Jack pulls his shirt up a little so that he can use it to wipe your face for you. 

“It just feels like it’ll never get better. Like I’ll be stuck in this darkness and sadness and anxiety forever.” Your words are muffled against him and make him hold you a little tighter. 

“I know. But I promise these feelings, especially at this intensity, will pass. I’m not dismissing them or saying they aren’t real, at all, but they will pass.” He kisses your hair a few more times, continues rubbing your back. He knows there’s not much he can say right now and doesn’t want to overwhelm you with words, just reassure you.

“Yeah,” you murmur. He doesn’t push you to accept it. 

“Did it help? The cry?” He asks gently.

You shrug in his arms. “I don’t know, probably.” You let the steady thump of his heart in your ear regulate yours. After a few moments you amend your answer. “It wasn’t the cry. It was you.” 

The corners of his lips turn up just slightly. He likes hearing he helped. “I’m glad.” 

“Thank you,” you whisper. He gives you a squeeze in response. A couple more minutes pass as you sit there just trying to recover. 

“I got your shirt all gross.” 

He shrugs. “It’s okay. I’ve had worse on me from people I don’t love more than anything.” He kisses the side of your head. “Plus it’s the one you like to steal anyway,” he whispers in your ear.

That makes you laugh, laugh enough that you start crying and let your head fall back into the side of his neck and shoulder again. “I’m sorry,” you almost squeak out.

“Oh baby,” he gives a sad little laugh. “It’s okay. You’re okay. I’ve got you, I promise. I’m not going anywhere.”

This round doesn’t last anywhere near as long, largely because you’re just too fucking tired. A bit because he was right, it was an acute anxious depressive attack that’s starting to lift. You sigh into him. “I think I’m done.”

“Let’s get up and go home. Get some food in you, maybe some of your rescue meds if you want, and some sleep. It’ll help even though I know everything feels kind of helpless right now.” He kisses the top of your head, your forehead and then your lips. Nibbles on your nose just to pull a smile from you. He goes to pull away so that you can get up but you make a little whine of protest and just hold onto him tighter, nuzzle your nose against his neck. 

“I’m already home.” You murmur. “You’re home.” You’ve both said it to each other before and he knows how fucking true it is for him but it still makes him smile, knowing he’s that safe place for you. 

He gives a fake exasperated sigh just to see if it’ll pull anything from you. “Let’s get up and go to our house, then, little miss pedantic. Get in our bed.” 

You smile against his neck and it makes him relax a little, makes him feel good knowing he’s the only one who could pull you out of this and make you smile. “I’m not pedantic, it’s just the truth. And even if I am pedantic I’m your little miss pedantic.” 

You don’t say it as a question but he knows it is one, a subtle way of asking for reassurance when being direct is too hard. 

“Yes you are. All mine.” He squeezes you a bit tighter to drive home the point. “I happen to find pedantism so hot. Gets me all bothered when you get so concerned about all the little details.” He mouths at your neck, rubs his scruff against you lightly because he knows it tickles you and wants to draw a little laugh. 

It’s just barely successful, you give him a little huff of a laugh, but with how you were, he’ll take it. You finally let yourself fall out of his arms and stand up with him. He can tell by your face that while you might be feeling the slightest bit better in the moment, you’re not really. You’re still deep in that hole and struggling. You see the recognition of it flicker in his eyes. “I’m sorry.” You whisper. “That I made you think I wanted to… end myself and for scaring you. And that I’m not better. That I might never be better.”

He shakes his head. “You have nothing to be sorry for. I understand. I really do, Doll. And I don’t expect it to be better with one conversation or two or three. And I’m not going to get tired of it, of you, as much as your brain wants you to believe that. I’ll be here and helping you through it just like you will with me until we’re in the ground together, okay?” You nod at him.  

He winds his fingers through yours and squeezes. “Let’s go home,” he says again, “to our house, the physical building where we reside together, where our bed is.” You go to open your mouth. “Yes, I still want you in my bed,” he cuts you off. “I could shower you first if you wanted.”

“Shower me? First?”

He holds the door of the roof open for you and you step in and hit the elevator button. “I know me washing your hair and body calms and grounds you,” he murmurs. He drops his voice a little lower, in volume and pitch and moves his face closer to yours so that his lips brush yours when he speaks. “And I say the shower is first because the second thing I could do for you, well, hopefully it would give you some oxytocin, dopamine and serotonin,” he smirks, gives you a teasingly light kiss on the lips. “Or if that’s all too much right now then we’ll just go home and get in bed and I’ll hold you while you sleep. Whatever you want. Whatever you need.”

You grin at him as he pulls away. It actually meets your eyes, even if it’s not the biggest smile he’s ever pulled from you. “I’m not sure what I did to deserve you Jack Abbot.”

“You were born.”

You start laughing. Like can’t breathe laughing, tears streaming, laughing. A smile pulls onto his face and he has to start laughing because yours is so contagious. “What?”

“I don’t fucking know,” you get out in between laughs, “just the way you said ‘you were born’ so seriously was so fucking funny. It was so… you.” You look up at him, eyes sparkling from tears but also love. “I’m so lucky,” you whisper, words a bit shaky. “I love you.” The laughing so hard you cried has brought you back to the precipice of tears. 

“I love you more,” Jack tells you as he wraps you back in his arms. The elevator opens though and you’re able to take in a deep breath and keep it together. 

“You wanna go out the side and I’ll meet you outside the ambo bay? I’ll swing back to the ED and grab your stuff.” He wipes a few tears from your face. It’s an offer to save some face and not look like a mess in front of everyone. 

“That bad?”

“You never look anything less than gorgeous, but the crying is obvious, yeah. It’ll draw questions.” He says it so matter of fact, that you’re never anything less than gorgeous in his eyes and that the crying is so obvious and people will gossip and it’s just another thing that feels so him that it helps tether you to reality. 

You nod. “Thank you,” you whisper. 

When you reach the door he squeezes your hand. You can see a little fear in his eyes. “You’ll be waiting, yeah? On the sidewalk?”

You give him a soft laugh and smile. “Yeah, on the sidewalk.”

“Good.” He leans in to give you a quick kiss. “I need you, you know? Just as much as you need me.”

“I know. I do, I promise.” As he walks away you call his name and he’s back by your side in a second. “I am sorry, you know. I would never actually do anything and leave you, and I’m sorry for hurting you by insinuating otherwise.”

He shakes his head slightly. “You don’t need to feel guilty for saying how you feel or felt. You don’t need to apologize.  I want you to talk to me, even if it is painful for me to hear. It’s the only way I can help.”

“It’s just hard to say, especially when I worry so much that it’ll make you go away. And I promise that’s not a reflection on you, or that I think you would-” He silences you with a kiss. It’s uncharacteristic for him at work, even if you’re not in the ED. That makes the fact of it happening a little better in some way, you think.

“I know. I understand, I promise.” He pulls back and looks at you. “I would tell you if it was becoming a problem or something I couldn’t handle. But I’m never going to have to tell you that. Now go wait for me.” He flicks his chin at the side door and gives you a little tap on the ass, flashes you one of his smiles that’s almost a smirk and makes you melt. You nod, do as instructed. And Jack watches you walk away until you disappear out the door, a whole piece of his heart out there existing outside of him. He knows you’ll be okay, that you’ll get through this. But it still scares him, still kills him to see you struggle like this. He wants to protect you from everything, does everything he can to, but always ends up trying to grapple with and accept the fact that he can’t really protect you from yourself. 

Outside, you wait for him on the sidewalk like you promised. Things are a bit lighter now that you’ve been able to speak to Jack, to just let yourself fall apart and cry. The guilt still eats at you even though you try not to let it. You watch him walk up to you, see the way he smiles when he spots you. It makes your heart ache. “I really love you, you know?” You murmur to him when he’s back at your side. 

“I do,” he nods. His lips pull up in a teasing smile as he starts up his favorite ‘argument’ you guys are always having. “I also know I love you more.”

[sanakimohara]

[ CHERRY POPPER ] H. H.

[ A/N ]: A redo because I refuse to let this account flop!

[ SUMMARY ]: request; “Shy/quiet/innocent/virgin (idc which one) reader texting bsf felix (or whoever you choose) about having a crush on hyunjin, and him seeing it and deciding to do something about it (nsfw?)…” - anonn

[ PLAYLIST ]:

[ WARNINGS ]: NSFW + SMUT + MDNI + PERV HYUNJIN + FEM READER + VIRGIN READER

Cherry Popper Hyunjin hardly believes anything Felix says when he's drunk. However, he pays more attention when the younger rambles about you - one of the many friends he’s made in the first year of college. You’ve met him more than once, and despite matching Felix’s hyperactive personality, you seem oddly shy around him. You talk quite a lot, but the instant Hyunjin makes his presence known, you zip your lips and cave in on yourself like the world is swallowing you whole. According to Felix, you’re a homebody by nature, and you never go out unless he drags you by the hand and promises to be a buffer between you and the hazards of socializing with strangers. You’re deeply in love with playing old vinyl records to dance to, read, or sleep. Felix thinks you’re old-fashioned and too old of a soul to understand his modern references and jokes, but Hyunjin envisions you differently. He notices the flutter of your lashes when you look at someone speaking, your patience, and your sweetness. He listens to your giggle when Felix reminds you to stop dazing off randomly, asking what’s on your mind. You nearly tune him out when Hyunjin is around

Cherry Popper Hyunjin admires the blush on your cheeks as a smirk tug at his lips, watching relief wash over your face when he stays silent and diverts Felix’s curiosity elsewhere. You're too adorable not to help out of an awkward situation, and that gracious smile on your face goes straight to his head.

Cherry Popper Hyunjin poured Felix two more glasses of soju, pushing him to the point of drunken oblivion, enduring his endless joking until he slumped on the couch and completely dozed off with his phone lying face down on his chest. Hyunjin debated whether to take it or not, knowing that Felix rarely minded when he or their other shared companions used his phone for a quick search on the internet or to text another acquaintance. However, neither option was on his mind when he finally plucked the device from Felix’s limp hand.

One peek at your messages wouldn’t hurt anyone.

Cherry Popper Hyunjin does more than scan over your texts with Felix. He sits up straighter on the couch, reading them with shameless interest. Your messages paint a wild picture of what you think of him, and he can't get enough of reading it. When Felix brings up Hyunjin, you gush, brushing off his obvious prying to know if you like the older. He stands, restless and buzzing with alcohol-induced energy, as he scans higher into the conversation. He abruptly stops when a particular section catches his eye.

“I mean, yeah, I’m a virgin, but there’s nothing wrong with that, right?..”

Cherry Popper Hyunjin sinks his teeth into his bottom lip harder than he meant to, pants tightening around his crotch as the word echoes in his head.

Virgin virgin virgin…

She’s a fucking virgin…

Cherry Popper Hyunjin shuts his eyes, locking Felix’s phone again before letting a sigh so long his chest burns from the gradual lack of air. No wonder you couldn’t even look him in the eye when he greeted you. It all made sense why you’d keep your legs closed no matter your position. The apparent stares you raked over him when you thought he wasn’t looking had a purpose. He could only begin to imagine what happened in your pretty head when he was around.

Why did those big eyes of yours gloss over so quickly when he spoke to you, barely touched you, paid attention to you?

Did you touch yourself to the thought of him, working yourself up with the fleeting interactions you two had, covering those same pretty fingers he’d feel on his back when you hugged him in your slick?

Hyunjin hoped you did, and he could imagine you doing it for him on command like any desperate and painfully infatuated girl would when their innocent crush spiraled into desire. You just had to be that cutest whore, all alone in your room or wherever you could manage it, pleasuring yourself to keep from making a complete mess in your panties the next time you saw him.

Cherry Popper Hyunjin presses his head back into the nearest wall dragging his consciousness from the fantasies of you and your virgin cunt and into distorted logic. He sets Felix’s phone aside, carefully rising from his seat, double checking that the blonde doesn’t stir awake before snatching the fourth half-full bottle of Soju off the coffee table. One sip numbs his tongue again, and a second steels his overconfidence as he strides down the hall towards Felix’s room. You’ve been asleep there for at least an hour, tired from trying to keep up with either of them in a drinking game and needing to wind down alone before joining them again. Felix believed you, growing childishly but waving you off as you scampered to his room, leering out drunken giggles as he shouted for you not to search for his gaming snacks when you arrived. Hyunjin suspected different of your excuse to leave their company. You couldn’t sit still; you sat between him and Felix, who regularly ended up on the floor, leaving you closer to him instead. Twice, he’d brushed his hand over your thigh. First, by accident, after handing you a bottle to open, and second, on purpose, when you leaned into him in a fit of laughter, Felix droned on about a professor you hated. You barely flinched from his touch, laughter dying down immediately, and your head resting on his shoulder as you stared at him dreamily.

“Am I too close?..”

Cherry Popper Hyunjin noticed your mischievous smile and the wheels turning in your head as you whispered your question. His cheeky smile made it clear that your inquiry was far from innocent, and it seemed like you were successfully breaking down his defenses. Without much thought, he glanced at your lips and, in a calm voice, said, "No. Come a little closer if you want... I don’t bite." It was an invitation, and you seemed poised to accept it until Felix suddenly sat up from the floor. Nervous, you shifted away from Hyunjin, redirecting your attention to the younger member, who was too drunk to notice the blush on your cheeks.

Cherry Popper Hyunjin dwells on the interaction even after you slam Felix’s bedroom door shut, the sound of its lock never echoing from the hall, and he’s grateful to find the doorknob twists in his grasp now.

Cherry Popper Hyunjin shuts the door behind him as quietly as possible, eyes fixed on your sleeping form splayed across the bed. The puffed sleeves of your vintage printed romper sliding off your shoulder, high-waisted jean shorts riding up when you snuggle closer to the covers, and your dark red thigh stockings unmoved despite your tossing and turning. Hyunjin watches, tongue slipping out to catch the taste of alcohol on his lips as he eyes the way your back arches as you huff in restless frustration. It’s been a laughable sight to anyone else: your commitment to comfortably lay in the oddest position, but Hyunjin couldn’t imagine a better advantage for himself. You groan quietly, muttering in your sleep, but not audibly aware of another person moving around the room. The soft clink of a bottle on Felix’s gaming desk is distant. The shuffle of feet nearing the end of his bed was even quieter. And the sound of a belt unbuckling is comparable to white noise in your head. You can’t be bothered to startle awake in the middle of a reoccurring dream, caught up in tracking the details of what a specific cock would feel like plundering your insides, and intoxicated enough to be drooling over the thought with a fulfilled smile etching its way onto your face.

“Hyun…Jin…”

Cherry Popper Hyunjin isn’t startled to hear you moan his name sleepily, partially focused on the noticeable wet patch forming on your shorts, a thin line of arousal dripping from the fabric with every subtle rut of your hips. He glances at your expression, lazily smiling, when you crack an eye-opening in the middle of your deep sleep. You see him through a haze, not entirely sure if he’s real, but too tired to find out and too drunk to stop the giggle that flies from your mouth when his eyes narrow at you playfully. “Dreaming of me?”

Cherry Popper Hyunjin doesn’t expect you to respond, but you do. You give him a nod, eyes fluttering closed again as you mumble into the pillow clutched in your arms. “Can’t help it…”

Cherry Popper, Hyunjin knows you’re halfway conscious when he puts his hands on your hips, fingers pressing into the waistband of your jeans just enough to get a whine out of you before he hooks them under the material and pulls it down your half-cover thighs and completely off to land on the floor at his feet. You do nothing but sigh in relief, feeling the coarse fabric peel away from your naked pussy, shivering when the air sweeps over your wet folds and gasping as the warmth of his hand cups it. Hyunjin chuckles, stunned to see you void of panties, to begin with, and glad to have one more thing out of his way. He wasn’t too far off with his assumption of you being a secretive slut, your slick coating his fingers as they gently glided back and forth across your sex. “T-that feels…so-“ you cut yourself off, whining into the pillow as the rings on his fingers make excellent impressions against your inner folds, the tips of his index brushing right over your clit as if to flick it but never pressing down. He groans, watching your hips begin to roll, tentative and slow, thighs quivering each time his fingers barely slip into your tight entrance.

“Good…I know, sweetheart…I know,” he finishes the phrase for you, eyes lowering to fun dripping down your legs and trickling around his wrist.

Cherry Popper Hyunjin sets his crotch against your raised backside, needing to be as close as humanely possible to you the moment he sinks his middle finger past your soaked folds. You shudder violently, wanting to run from the singular and slow intrusion of one of his fingers as it barely disrupts your untouched hymen. “Sensitive little thing, aren’t you?..” he coos into your ear, wrapping his freed arm around your waist to keep you from entirely collapsing into the bed as you whimper loudly. The pillow you grip muffled the sound, withholding the string of desperate moans you let out, feeling him slide his index in, adding pressure and strain to your tight walls as you clench down on both his fingers. “Too…too m-much…’ mmm,” you whine in defeat, clawing at the covers as he nuzzles his nose behind your ear, a drunken gesture of comfort translating into a chaste kiss you shiver at. “You can take it, baby…you need to, or you’ll never be able to take my whole cock..” Hyunjin feigns disappointment; lips pressed into a frown, which you only glimpse before your eyes roll in pleasure. His fingers curl forward with intent, reaching for unfamiliar nerves in your cunt repeatedly, and you groan as they find their mark several times. “What are you?…H-hyunjin, what are you d-doing?..” you pant, hips buckling against his hand as he plunges his fingers deeper and deeper, exploring your pussy for all it is.

Cherry Popper Hyunjin gets lost in the feeling of your walls swallowing his fingers whole, the ridge of his bulky rings sliding against your insides so quickly he was sure they’d slip off from how wet you’d made them. Your constant writhing and grinding on his hand caused your ass to press back into him consistently. His cock twitched every time, solid against his thigh and unbearably sensitive. Your moans coming quicker, louder, more forcefully as your insides curled with heat worsened his patience. You were so close; he could feel the strain in your cunt building, how sloppy your walls had become around his fingers, cum drenching them and pooling on his palm. You breathed heavily, your head lifted inches from the pillow, your eyes watered, and your lips fell into a dreamy smile.

“More…please…more Hyunie…” you plead quietly, stomach doing flips as your drowsy state shifts into pure joy. “Want more…”

Cherry Popper Hyunjin forgets the idea of seeing you cum on his hand, the effects of drinking for two hours straight and seeing you on all fours, begging, cunt sufficiently spread to his liking all twisting a knot in his gut he knew one way of unraveling. “Fuck this..” he snaps, drawing his hand away, jaw locked to surprise a self-serving smile as he hears you whine pathetically, unwrapping his arm from your waist to pin you on your side. “Hyunie…!” You squeak in surprise, face flushed as you stare up at him in wonder, strands of your hair sticking to your sweaty cheeks. He says nothing to you at first, hands grasping your ankles and pulling until your right leg gingerly rests on his shoulder while the other is pinned to the bed. His nails dig into the cherry red stockings wrapped around your left thigh, hand pressing it firmly against the covers at an angle that leaves your pussy wide open for his view.

Cherry Popper Hyunjin causally glides his right hand into his pants, staring fixed on your awed face as he frees his cock. Seeing the phallic muscle up close and personal, your eyes widen, how it fits perfectly when he runs his hand up and down the slender girth. A low whine tickles your throat, watching him pump the leaking tip, adding to the slick you left on his fingers and trickling down onto his pants when he lets go to grip your right hip. “Mmm…mph…” you shift away from it, a fearful haze in your eyes as he holds you still and nudges the fleshy head of his cock to your puffy and slick folds. “‘ts N-not going to fit-“ you start to protest, a little afraid of having more than his two fingers buried in you.

Dreaming about it and feeling it was a contrast you’d barely begun to conceptualize until now.

Cherry Popper Hyunjin slaps your thigh, a gentle infliction of pain that draws your eyes back up to his face, “If it’s too much, I’ll stop, but…” he trails off, gaze lowering as he presses his hips forward, gently plunging the head of his cock past your folds. You swallow a moan, back arching as he inches in a bit more, hips rocking at a controlled pace, and his voice quiet but steady as he continues, “You’ll try to take all of it for me, yeah? Give me all of your pretty little pussy before anyone else has it like a good girl?..”

You nod eagerly, eyes fluttering, mouth agape as breathy moans fall from it. “Y-yes…Hyunie...”

Cherry Popper Hyunjin exhales heavily, hearing you confess so quickly, eyes stuck on the view of your creamy folds spreading open around his shaft as he sinks into you. A swift gasp leaves you as he fills you up with a solid rut of his hips. The base of his cock firmly placed against your swollen clit, a burning stretch quickly fading in your walls as he barely pulled back before plunging in again, adding an inch to his detachment with every thrust until you could take his cock with minimal resistance.

“So full…” you exhale, damp thighs trembling each time he snaps his hips down into yours. Another coil pulled tight in your stomach the instant his head nudged your sweet spot, every ride of his cock brushing past the sensitive nerves you were beginning to realize could have a mind of their own.

Cherry Popper Hyunjin raises his head, proud to see your eyes clouded over and drool dripping from the corner of your lips. Your breasts beg to slip from your top, nipples perky against the thin cream fabric, and reach a hand to palm one. You arch into his touch more, head pressing back into the pillow, drag your top down to free them both, tossing your leg off his shoulder to fix your posture underneath and give him the freedom to lean over you wholly.

Cherry Popper Hyunjin stops your hands before they reach him, sliding his fingers through yours and pulling your hands above your head as he lowers to your breasts. You didn’t fight him, too caught up in the feeling of his cock bullying it way past your suffocating inner walls. Hyunjin flicks the tip of his tongue over your left nipple, sucking it just once to hear you stumble over a breathless moan. Your legs lock around his waist on instinct from the fleeting friction, eyes half open and distant as you stare at him, speaking in a haze he feels himself slipping into with you as your highs near.

“You’ll always…be my first…Hyunie…”

He smiled, groaning out a response without a second thought, “And your last…”

[ A/N ] Thank Lana Del Rey & Beach Weather for this one.

[ AO3 LINK ]:…. N/A

[ BONUS CONTENT + ]

You know life is overrated. I want to be the water bottle in his hand instead… Credits to creator ❤️

[hello-nichya-here]

Think I finally managed to understand why Azula not getting a redemption arc works in the show, but not in the comics (beyond the absurd ableism in the Yang stories that is).

Azula has become the classic case of a villain that keeps being brought back due to popularity despite clearly not belonging in the story anymore.

Her arc as a villain was completed in the show. She's been the backstabber, the relentless pursuer, and the cunning villain that wins through mindgames. She's been in charge, been under someone else's rule, joined forces with another villain, and had her enemies join forces against her.

She's been the villain that wins people through manipulation and/or charisma, or that full on threatens them into submission. She had henchmen that she used and threw away, and henchmen she cared about and was abandoned by. She was arrogant and power hungry, but also desperate for validation. She was the main villain's adored, loyal pet that was eventually kicked aside in the end.

She's been the lesser of two evils when compared to Ozai, and the worse of multiple evils when compared to Zuko, Mai and Ty Lee. She's been the villain that gets back up after a defeat post The Drill, the villain that wins (by corrupting one of the potential heroes, capturing a friend of the protagonist and KILLING said protagonist) in the Ba Sing Se arc, the villain that has both a satisfying AND tragic downfall in Boiling Rock and the finale, and the villain with hints of humanity that she refuses to embrace in The Headband, The Beach and the finale.

She had conflicts with people she had zero personal history with (Aang, Long Feng) leading to both physical and mental battles, and people she had a messy history with (her friends and Zuko) leading to super emotional scenes.

And finally, she's been the cold, calculating villain AND the villain that is a complete wreck mentally/emotionally - that last one only lasting for the finale because Azula's breakdown was not the CAUSE of her evil actions, it was the consequence of it. And said consequence made her be both the villain that is defeated by the heroes and the one that causes her own downfall.

Every single fucking thing that could have been done with her as villain has been done in the show already. Even Spirit Temple, the only comic that understood her character, couldn't do much beyond just repeat stuff we're already seen.

Azula refusing to accept anything she considers weakness or imperfection? We've see that in nearly every scene she was in.

Azula leading an evil squad? Literally what she did for 90% of her screentime on the show.

Azula losing said squad and refusing to take responsibility for it? Literally the Mai and Ty Lee arc, hence the two haunting her mind in that same comic. Only this time it happened MUCH faster because Azula no longer has all the political power she once had, so there's less consequences for crossing, so she's not as threatening to ANYONE.

Azula being pathetic and making a fool out of herself? The Beach exists.

Azula being obsessive to the point that it's almost laughable? Again, 90% of her screentime.

Azula having issues with her mom, desperately wanting love from her family, friends and a potential boyfriend? Again, The Beach exists and so does the finale.

The scene of her being confronted with a hallucination of an angry Zuko and shooting lightning at him? Literally a direct reference to the Last Agni Kai, which was the culmination of both of their arcs.

The ONLY thing that was new in that comic was the short moment in which Azula shows resentment towards her father for turning her into a copy of him, and that wasn't explored further not just because it's a stand-alone comic, but also because doing so would open the can of worms that is "Wait, if she's self-aware and processing trauma, that means she could learn her lesson and change" and since the writers clearly don't wanna go there, the scene is useless.

If the writers insist on keeping Azula an active threat in the story, they're setting themselves up for failure. Either they're gonna keep repeating storylines we've already seen with far less tension and with a villain that got a severe downgrade, essentially making Azula the Tom to their Jerry, or they're gonna pull a Yang and go "Make her crazier to make her scary again!" while ignoring that her days as a villain were cut BECAUSE she went insane, and now that here vil plans make no fucking sense anymore, the heroes just look stupid for not being able to defeat her.

Azula has nothing more to give to the story in the role of a villain, so she should either only appear in flashbacks or quick mentions of "she's being cared for, but it seems it's too little too late", or she should be redeemed to get a new role in the story, with new paths to explore. She just can't keep being put into the role of active threat, when we've all seen said threat was clearly neutralized already.

It. Does. Not. Work.

[edwardteachswombtattoo]

The interior of Ed and Stede's relationship is well-tread both in analysis and the show itself. We know why they fall for each other, how they fall for each other, when they fall for each other. We've been inside their heads. We could, if we wanted to, probably compile a rough timeline of events from Point A (Ed hearing of Stede's existence) to Point Z (Ed and Stede retiring from piracy to open an inn). Has anyone done that? Someone should do that. I might do that.

But a thread the show keeps pulling on from their first meeting all the way to the end of Season 2 is the persistent showing that no one else seems to fully understand what Ed and Stede have going on.

There are exceptions to this. Lucius with his emotional intelligence and arguably the whole crew of The Revenge understand that Ed and Stede feel something for each other that is somewhat outside the framework. The Revenge is a safe space where they are allowed to explore and hold feelings like that and their influence (Stede's, but really the whole crew's) outgrows the ship and spills out into the wider culture of piracy. They don't fundamentally change the whole culture of piracy, but their influence forces characters who would otherwise be immovable and rigid in their personal philosophies (Anne and Mary Read, Zheng Yi Sao, Auntie, Ned Low's crew, etc.) to rethink their relationships with each other.

I already made a post about Jack and how he seems to think Stede is just a passing fascination, so I won't repeat myself. But this is not the first nor will it be the last time a character fundamentally misunderstands how much Ed cares about Stede. Izzy in Season 1 legitimately believes that Stede's death will force Ed back to normal, to the extent that he does not even try to comfort or console Ed during Stede's almost-execution. And he is caught totally caught off guard when Ed gives up his life to save Stede's.

Ned Low demonstrates an awareness of something being there, but he dismisses it the same way Jack did: Ed only cares about Stede because he's new and interesting. Ed will move on once that shiny new pirate smell wears off. "Ed only cares because you're interesting" and "Ed only cares because you're inexperienced".

These are easy assumptions to make when you only have one half of the picture. And when you don't understand that Ed exists as a multi-faceted whole thinking person outside of his Blackbeard persona and piracy. The distinction between "Blackbeard" and "Ed" was made very early on (Ed introducing himself as "Ed") and reinforced later with "His name is Ed". When other characters refer to Ed, it's useful to ask: are they talking about Ed or Blackbeard? Ed and Blackbeard are not fundamentally distinct personalities, but Blackbeard is a performance and a mask Ed puts on. His arc at the end of Season 2 deals with reconciling his past, Blackbeard, The Kraken, and all these other facets of himself into one cohesive person who is just called Ed.

Yeah, Ed is fascinated by Stede's things. His fabrics, his wardrobe, the model ship, the secret passages, the books. But even from their first meeting, Ed and Stede are not just connecting over Stede's clothes and his books. Ed is sharing his love of soft things with someone for probably the first time in his life, he's being vulnerable and truthful. He remains guarded through their first interactions, but he's being more open and candid than Blackbeard would be. "Do you fancy a fine fabric?" is not a question Blackbeard would answer honestly. And when Ed casually makes the reveal ("I'm Blackbeard") in the auxiliary wardrobe, Stede does not treat him any differently after the fact. Everyone else is like "big scary pirate Blackbeard!!" but Stede is like "That's Ed :) He's my friend :) He's very cool and he likes fabrics and did I mention he is my friend?? :)"

Ned Low, Izzy Hands, and Jack all ask the question Why does Blackbeard care so much about this fucking muppet? and collectively decide it must be because Stede clearly does not know what he's doing and/or he has a lot of cool stuff and Ed is into that shit. And there is a part of Ed who probably did at one point think it was just Stede's stuff he was into, that he just wanted what Stede had and then realized it was not about the fancy stuff it was about Stede as a person. That is why Ed starts to really fall for Stede at the end of "The Best Revenge is Dressing Well". They have their intimate moment and Ed is like oh fuck I might be in love with this guy for real oh fuccccck I want to kiss him so baddddd oh shit oh fuck. I've always been of the (maybe controversial? idk) opinion that Ed was flirting during their first meeting and making it obvious as possible he was DTF if Stede was into that, which is the maximum amount of physical intimacy and wanting Ed could allow himself to express without getting scared. He wasn't full bright lights in love with Stede at first sight, but he was infatuated at first conversation.

Interestingly, we never see this on the other side. It is always assumed that Stede just doesn't understand Ed, that he doesn't understand how Ed really feels about him and if he only knew The Real Ed (Blackbeard) he wouldn't have so many soft feelings. In Season 2, Stede is continuously confused when people suggest Ed might try to kill him. Because Stede alone knows that the last time Ed tried that, he ended up having a panic attack and hiding in Stede's bathtub. Izzy tries to pull the whole "you don't know him like I do" and Stede rebukes that fucking instantly by describing Ed's entire mindset in a single sentence while Izzy was just last season struggling to understand Ed's sudden shift in behavior. Izzy sees a change in Ed's behavior and is at a loss to understand, while Stede sees a change in Ed's behavior and instantly clocks what is going on.

"You don't actually know him" is how outsiders rationalize Stede's feelings about Ed and "he's just a momentary bit of fun" is how outsiders rationalize Ed's feelings for Stede.

The key to these intimate moments between Ed and Stede is that they really are between Ed and Stede. Ed never shares these memories with anyone. Even when he's talking with Mary Read in "Fun and Games", he brings up the stabbing because it's relevant and then tries to brush it off a little by saying he had to force Stede to do it and calling Stede "fragile". He does not even allude to the intimacy of that moment and his own being vulnerable. Stede and Lucius are the only people Ed reveals those parts of himself to.

[lilactwilights]

can’t stop thinking about frat gojo finally catching feelings…

it seems the world turns upside down when infamous frat bro, rich heir and resident fuckboy satoru gojo ends up settling down. 

there’s collective bewilderment that eventually lands into a generalized sense of skepticism because there’s no way him, of all damn people, chooses to waltz around campus with an all caps BOYFRIEND label slapped into his forehead, and so proudly at that.

it seems to come out of nowhere, too.

well, almost.

(you were discreet, just not enough)

you are no strangers. you have some friends in common and turns out people have seen you around him before, orbiting around each other at parties or academic endeavors at uni. you have been caught getting handsy in some dark corner of a party at least a handful of times or shamelessly exchanging spit in the least crowded places on campus in broad daylight.

a little more than a few people have seen you leave with him to god knows where, gingerly climbing up into his car as the party rages on or after you clock off at your part-time job on campus. they have caught you skipping up the stairs of whatever place together or inconspicuously walk towards the least visible bookshelves at an almost empty library, hand in hand.

more than one have noticed you disappear for a while, together, his arm snaked around your waist like it belongs in there and have witnessed you come back with a slight yet telling stagger in your step and gojo’s lazy yet smug million-dollar smile clueing anyone with two brain-cells on what your impromptu absence entailed.

(allegedly, there have been some sightings of both of you in casual strolls at the park, having dinner at a 24/7 place and sharing ice-cream down the riverside, but there’s no enough proof of all that, so to speak)

it doesn’t mean anything. 

because this is nothing more than routine for him, a fleeting adventure for the casual partner in turn and rich entertainment for the eager public consuming tabloids or spreading school gossip. 

you aren’t supposed to stay. you aren’t supposed to last more than a few weeks. if they do get a bit flexible and accept the possibility of whatever you share lasting months –as long as it is on and off, because there’s a past record of that— and even if there are considerably less reports of you two sneaking or hiding around dark in favor of casual sightings in less obscure places, you only become a full-fledged anomaly the moment talks about him referring to you as “his girl” to his team, his fellow frat bros —or whoever, really— start spreading about.

It seems the balance of the universe is a bit off when people notice his following list has decreased considerably and click on it only to find an inconceivable absence of all the usernames linked to whoever he had fucked previously. worse, he creates a whole ass story highlight with your initials and a damn stupid heart and daily spams his stories with every picture of you he seems to have on his gallery, which turn out to be many, for some reason.

or when, during a game, he happens to blow a kiss towards the section you are casually sitting at and seems to look for something after the winning score and practically disregards the trophy and the hands reaching for him in favor of holding you and spin you around, still sweaty and flushed and laughing in a picture-perfect shot that does make it to the school papers and the official university sports account.  

you quickly become the talk of campus. there’s a sentiment that seems to permeate every conversation beyond the usual mix of doubt, jealousy or surprise when you pass by with your hands entwined.

you are surprised when you finally understand it’s pity. 

because the truth is no one believes in satoru. no one believes ‘whatever you have’ will ever work out. why would he willingly tie himself down with anyone that’s not a supermodel or super-rich and throw away all the potential wildness associated with senior year is beyond everyone around you. 

he is not boyfriend material. his track record doesn’t help his case and men like him can never successfully commit at such a young age, less with someone that seems to be so different from him and move around circles he has never stepped foot into. 

within a few days, most people have decided this is an experimenting phase or a half-assed effort to appease the family that’s rumored to be on his ass for all his unsavory rendezvous. the public consensus seems to be that he will get bored and break up with you soon enough after whatever feeling or result he is after is finally on his grasp again. most are already feeling sorry for you, mocking your naivety or criticizing his heartless proceedings. sometimes all three at the same time.

it seems to affect you, somehow. you hate it, but there are days when all of it makes doubt rear its ugly head and the bitter taste of self-consciousness settles in your tongue. no matter how hard you try, you end up closing in yourself, avoiding the avid eyes eating you both up whenever you go out. 

but it’s hard to dwell on all of it when you see who the most fervent believer of your relationship is.

satoru doesn’t seem to be affected by anything. he doesn’t seem to listen to nasty words or ill-intentioned comments, only ever addressing them or shutting them down with a cold fury that only stems from whatever discomfort this provokes on you.

he has always been confident and self-assured and it’s so used to accomplish every single thing his mind has set into. success is on his nature. beyond the privileges and advantages life has gifted him with, satoru is a stubborn, passionate man. his pride is a driving force most of the time and he’ll be damned if the thing he is most proud about doesn’t work out.

because people out there aren’t privy to the late night conversations, the shared jokes and the cosmic compatibility the university blessed you both with. your paths were made to intertwine, he is sure of that. even if all of it started with a stolen kiss and sex that was supposed to be as casual and inconsequential as he was used to, there was no stopping the unexpected evolution of your shared time together. he can list all the things he liked and then loved about you and recount and pinpoint every single moment that lead him to realize that, as cheesy and mortifying as it sounds —or it sounded back then, for him—, you are meant to be.

he wrestled with that notion for months, agonized over the incipient feelings he was not familiar with and avoided even thinking about the implications of a reality he wanted so so hard to run from. but he has never been a coward. he was so close to give up something he hadn’t even tried to reach so he ultimately took a leap of faith. 

he jumped right into an abyss he had never been to but he decided you are worth the fall and whatever landing he is met with.

he knows damn well it was hard for you to trust his spiel and his promises about feelings and about trying and he swore himself that if there ever was the tiniest possibility of this ending in heartbreak it wouldn’t be because of him. 

so he learns and tries and fails sometimes and it’s so damn frustrating for him because he is not used to make mistakes but he has never been in a real relationship before so everything is new to him and so he is forced to take baby steps when all he wants to do is sprint.

he has stars in his eyes when he talks about all the plans he has for you both. he kisses you with hunger and reverence and whispers in your ear all the reassurances you never told him you needed to hear.  he gets overwhelmed when you fuck because, until the sweet heat and warmth of your body, he never knew how it was to mix the fire of primal lust and desperate hunger with the fuel of emotions and vulnerability of so many shared feelings. and god, it’s scary. but he has never felt more satisfied and happy in his life than when you are wrapped in each other during the afterglow. 

he gets a taste of insecurity and experiences scorching jealousy for the first time, because he never had the fear of losing anything or anyone at the hands of someone more understanding or compatible or soft or experienced with feelings than him. until you.

he soon finds out that you can push his buttons and pull at his most sensitive strings like no one has ever done. you hold a power over him and that is as infuriating and terrifying as it is exhilarating. he is forced to walk down a line with careful and measured steps, down a path that is as unknown as it is gratifying. he doesn’t know where it will lead or when it will end –if it even does– or if it will become steep or sinuous or keep being as calm as walk in the park you usually stroll at. 

people tell him he is not mature enough and that this is not meant to last or even be.

but satoru gojo, the infamous frat boy, rich heir and former fuckboy couldn’t give less of a fuck.

everything feels right when he is with you so he will cling to you as long as you will have him, which is hopefully forever.

(actually, he thinks he might be in love with you. but that’s a whole other thing. it might be too soon to address that one.) 

a/n: i LOVE frat gojo. i love when he is a manwhore but i also love to think of him after getting rehabilitated. he would be so WHIPPED because it’s the first time he experiences real feelings. he would be obsessed with his partner, actually. might kinda border on pathological for some and he might scare a few people with how intense he is but, hey, as long as they are both happy. we need more men devastatingly and pathetically whipped.

[elodieunderglass]

So! Seeing as the occasion where Killie and Derek met was riddled with geeks, I imagine him introducing himself as Killie would have made lots of ears perk up: people asking if he's got a brother named Fili or whatnot, asking if he's a second-generation geek perhaps, maybe even commenting that IT CHECKS OUT because Kili was considered fair among the dwarves?! Which must have had him in some amount of emotional turmoil, for sure! Tell me when I'm getting close

(Killie the Jockey OC and his terrible, no good, very bad life)

Oh NO. Killie has zero frame of reference for fantasy fiction 🥲

Once he worked out half of what they were talking about - and said something absolutely awful, I’m sure, in response -

- then, in kindness and horror, the geeks would help him assemble the following series of facts:

Killie does not have dwarfism. It would be fine if he did, but he doesn’t.

Killie is on the cusp of being considered a little person; but not having a condition that causes his height, and not particularly experiencing related medical issues or social discrimination, doesn’t self-identify as one.

He’s just at the bottom of the percentile, exactly where the natural distribution meets the definition for little people. Someone has to be there!

That’s maths.

He expresses this with honesty, but not much delicacy.

And somehow without referencing the fact that in his day job, his size is prized.

Killie somehow has not mentioned his day job.

Killie does not understand the concept of the Hobbit, and digs his heels in mulishly at the initial attempts to explain it.

and it has to be rotated several times before being pushed into his head.

Where the nerds suspect that he instantly pushes it out again, with a sort of automatic immune system rejection response. His antibodies simply eject all reference to hobbits and fantasy fiction

Killie has very little imagination anyway

He’s touched too much grass. Grass overdose.

Well. He’s been thrown onto grass at 40 mph too many times and walked away carrying his own bones. That’s like touching grass

And furthermore!!

There is a world of difference between the name shown to him (Kíli) and Killie.

Kíli is KEE—Lee. Anyone can see that. It’s got - it’s got - it’s got í. With the hat on. Look at it. Look at the - thingy. it’s wearing a fucking hat -

Killie is KILL-Y. Rhymes with Billy. Completely different.

At that point Derek breaks in going “I think we’ve all learned something!” And drags him away.

“You’re so interesting, Killie”

[the-littlest-goblin]

As I’ve alluded to, I think a lot of the failures of c3 can be traced to the fundamental gap that, in a plot where so much revolved around “”the gods”” CR never answers the question:

What the fuck is a god?

Others have made excellent points in how we talk about epic fantasy and the difficulties in fully receiving a world where gods definitively exist. What's interesting to me is that, if you really want to get deep into the philosophical weeds (and I always do), then what does it actually mean when we say "gods exist" in Critical Role?

Disclaimer: this isn't exactly as comprehensive as I would like but what I hoped to articulate in one meta post is more like 2-5 thesis proposals in a trench coat, and I still want the catharsis of yeeting my thoughts into the void so I can finally take a nap. I tried to limit the academia of it all but there's still plenty of jargon, and also a bibliography because I like to show my work.  

Short version: Godhood/divinity is a semantic lacuna in the CR's worldbuilding. That's not a bad thing, in fact it's kind of necessary. The problem arises when the plot makes gods and godhood a central problem without resolving or even acknowledging the barriers to understanding those concepts, thus leading to hours of dialogue, plot beats, and a supposedly climactic resolution which all amount to nonsense if you look too closely.

As anyone who’s so much as dipped a toe into philosophy will tell you, you gotta define your usage of terms or the discussion is DOA. On all levels of CR text, words like "god"/"the gods"/"divine"/"deity"/etc. are used interchangeably in so many contexts, and the meaning of those terms is only accessible via contextual implication, and the deducible meanings in so many of those contexts directly contradict each other. C3 especially reveals a dissonance between how the mytho-cultural text approaches divinity compared to the contours drawn by the mechanico-ontological text.1

The former in Exandria refers to "the gods" in terms of the Pantheon, a definite collection of individual entities. These otherworldly beings of Tengar, a realm of pure possibility. But "god" is also a rank within D&D's cosmic taxonomy—a rank to which, in Exandria, other entities can rise via the Rites of Ascension. The Matron is a god same as the others; Tharizdun is part of the pantheon but separate, not of Tengar. Maybe a "god," maybe not?

In the mytho-cultural role "the gods" play in Exandria, their being-qua-being is positioned as necessarily plurally defined and unknowable, but nevertheless possessed of immense "cosmic power" befitting their role in the Creation myth and ongoing worship. It makes perfect sense that the in-world mythology is (intentionally) plural and contradictory. However, as others have pointed out,* Exandria's socio-political and cultural worldbuilding vis a vis religion are (less intentionally, I would imagine) rather underbaked, leaving significant gaps in our understanding of what the gods (and religion) mean for the cultural part of mytho-cultural. 

Now let’s get into the latter. Because CR isn't just a narrative—it's a ludonarrative, and the game mechanics have huge ontological implications.1 

In the mechanico-ontological sphere, the gods are positioned as sort of exceptions to the rule, by which I mean, like, we don't get stat blocks for deities. Which again, on its own, makes perfect sense! D&D focalizes the PCs, and so on the purely mechanical level, gods/the divine are subordinate, acting only through proxies. This is necessary for the game-narrative D&D supports. Giving god-level power explicit stats would be a catch-22:

first, it would severely demystify "cosmic power"—to define is to limit, after all. Not doing so can imply an ontology where gods are not confined by mechanics—their powers go beyond, their powers are not only unwritten but unwriteable.

secondly, if the rulebooks were to even attempt codifying mechanical abilities on par with the semantic associations of “god-level” power, then it would be very difficult to maintain either the PCs focal role as agents of the narrative or a fairly balanced game, much less both. We saw this play out in Downfall—the point of the mechanics in the final battle outlined the huge disparity between mortals and gods.

Speaking of Downfall—as well as their mechanic and mythic existences, the gods also exist on the narrative level as characters. As such, we must necessarily consider questions of agency and consciousness in qualifying their existence, but fuck if that isn’t a messy question on the one layer, let alone putting it in the contexts of these shifting, intersecting layers.2 Keeping it brief though, the gods’ narrative agency is subject to similar issues as their mechanical powers.**

Being an exception to the rules of mechanico-ontological existence only holds together so long as divinity remains separate from everything governed by mechanics when mobilized in a narrative. I'm not trying to nitpick—Matt's "NPCs are not governed by the same rules as PCs" MO isn't automatically world-logic breaking, and there's a degree of pedantry on that front that is simply unsportsmanlike. But the problem in c3 specifically is that the plot focalizes the gods and divinity as a construct in such a way that invites—demands even—closer inspection. And the coherence between the structural layers of the narrative breaks down quite quickly under this scrutiny.

It's not like c3 brought this theme out of nowhere. Disproving that there is any essential divide between gods and mortals defines the zeitgeist of the Age of Arcanum. The Matron’s ascension proves that, however the difference is defined, the state of being one or the other is traversable. Exu: Calamity brought this up plenty: Laerryn contends that the distinction is access to the Celestial plane, and seeks to dissolve the difference by achieving large-scale interplanar travel for all of Avalir; Zerxus embodies that so called "divine magic" is not strictly tied to a worshipful relationship with a deity.

In c2, god-or-not is a huge element of Jester's arc with the Traveler. Her build shows that, despite the very different class abilities/powers of warlocks and clerics, there is no mechanico-ontological constraining the distinction between a warlock patron and a god. These are roles defined through a relational existence, not in keeping with any essential taxonomy of substances.1 The Traveller’s position in the cosmic taxonomy as an Archfey has less bearing on the type of magic he can grant than the belief and conviction on the side of the grantee. Similarly, there’s the Luxon in all its mystery—a god but not a pantheon deity? Divine but not a god? The semantics seem less and less significant. 

Now’s probably a good time to remember that CR is a story, and stories are representative constructions wherein any logic other than narrative logic is secondary. D&D as a story engine allows fictional representation to evoke a unique facsimile of materialism because the diegetic laws of physics are established in such detail via mechanics. But still, in a fictional world, metaphysics kind of are physics, and also kind of are semiotics, and both answer to the symbolic. It's fun (for me) to dig into the worldbuilding using philosophy as a framework, but at the end of the day, it doesn't matter if the philosophy finds gaps so long as the rest of the narrative elements cohere around those gaps.

In c3, they do not. 

Next to c3, c1 gets the closest to leaning too hard against the logical house-of-cards making up cosmic ontology in Exandria due to the importance of the Divine Gate in defeating proto-god Vecna. The Divine Gate is, imo, the material nexus point where all the semantic and ontological contradictions coalesce: it was created so as to specifically block gods from traversing out of the Celestial plane, but is permeable to mortals. Presumably there is some quality or essential substance that decides who can move through it and who can’t—but what is that? What is the substance of divinity, not in the ontological sense but in the materialism of arcana? It’s not something exclusive to denizens of Tengar, because the Matron is also trapped; perhaps “divine” is a misnomer, and it only traps the specific entities designated at the time of its creation, regardless of any shared essential quality? Except no, because Vecna was able to be trapped behind it as well. 

On the flip side, the great thing about the Divine Gate is that it encompasses and narratively justifies that catch-22 of divine mechanics by adding the element of time. The gods used to be un-writably powerful Pre-Divergence, hence their cosmic standing, but the Divine Gate limits their powers of acting in the present, allowing for their mechanical impotence. The Divergence and the Divine Gate incorporate the gods’ disparate ontological states into the history of Exandria, a physical and temporal division that allows for these contradictions to coexist in separate corners of the narrative.*** 

This coheres throughout campaigns 1 and 2—even when c1 started approaching concepts of “divinity” more closely, the plot maintains a separation between mortal stakes and divine stakes. Vecna was Vox Machina’s problem because he posed a threat to mortals; he posed a threat to mortals because he was seeking to achieve god-level power on the mortal plane. We don’t need to know what the “power” exactly means to know it would be a huge imbalance. The threat is nullified by trapping Vecna behind the Divine Gate. We still don’t know what he is vis a vis godhood, but we do know his powers of acting and affecting on the Material Plane are curtailed and as such he’s not mortal’s problem anymore. Compare this to the Bell’s Hells attitudes towards their joint BBEGs of Ludinus and Predathos. Ludinus is the threat on the Material Plane; for much of the campaign, BH cap off cyclical debates on the gods by agreeing that stopping Ludinus is their actionable concern. In the end, however, Ludinus’ rhetoric succeeds in focalizing cosmic concerns: the narrative concludes with the resolution to the questions of ‘what to do about the gods and Predathos,’ reifying Ludinus’ view that the cosmic structure was a problem to be solved (despite the complete lack of supporting evidence to that point). Meanwhile the resolution to the—previously central—question of ‘what to do about Ludinus’ is ‘leave him to his cottage-core Thanos epilogue,’ as though he is not nor has he ever been a primary source of conflict.

I think Predathos is where the irreconcilability of material substance and ontological substance really start to chip away at the foundations of narrative coherence. The “God-eater” must be subject to the same questions re: “so what do you mean by god?” The takeaway is that the Predathos lore is frankly a hot mess of ludonarrative dissonance—perfect illustration for the other side of that catch-22 I was talking about!

 In theory, Matt could have introduced Predathos into Exandrian cosmology without it becoming a narrative problem, had it remained at a sufficient distance from the immediate plot to sit comfortably obscured in the same miasma of metaphysical unknowns as the Luxon or Tharizdun. It’s Ludinus and all the discussion surrounding these cosmic entities that shines a glaring spotlight on the contradictions by way of placing the gods into an ethical framework and using that judgement as a basis for praxis. Moral philosophy is not my area, but as far as it intersects with ontology: it is, to put it mildly, very fucking hard to put a subject under ethical judgement when said subject has no defined being as such that it’s very subjecthood is in question. 

What I’m trying to say is that you hold a guy in a very different ethical standing than the sun. The Dawnfather is both and can be reduced to neither. He is a character in a narrative with agency and personality and relationships at the same time he is a mechanical construction that has no independent existence and extremely limited powers of acting, and all the while he is semantically presumed all-powerful.

*I can’t find the post now to link it but I’m 99% sure it was by @utilitycaster

**For an illustration of (non-game) narratives where a pantheon of gods explicitly exist, are in possession of a certain cosmic power, and are direct narrative agents, see: Homer. I ran out of steam before getting to the full comparison I wanted to make, maybe I’ll get to that in another post, but trust me when I say it has massive implications—like, ‘requires a totally different method of engagement with the work, one which heavily departs from, and at times directly contradicts, literary and pedagogical tradition since at least the early modern period’-level implications.

***In terms of Pre-Divergence depictions, frankly I need to finish rewatching both Calamity and Downfall (possibly multiple times) to properly incorporate Brennan’s contributions to the text into this consideration. Drive-by assessment though, as it pertains to the main campaigns: we see glimpses of what the gods powers of acting can be without the Divine Gate, both with Asmodeus at the end of Calamity and the final battle in Downfall, to use as a comparison. These are useful for when c3 brings up the possibility for an alternate state of affairs while providing no examples for what those alternatives would entail. 

1. Bryant, Levi R. “Substantial Powers, Active Affects: The Intentionality of Objects.” Deleuze Studies 6, no. 4 (2012): 529–43. http://www.jstor.org/stable/45332014.

2. The structuralism I’m employing follows a number of works and theorists, namely Roland Barthes for lit theory and Richard Schechner for performance theory; the most relevant direct citation is Daniel McKay’s book The Fantasy Role-Playing Game: A New Performing Art (2001), which references both of the above and many others.