#FUCK YOU TURKEY TOM FANS

[unrepentant-stella-stan]

Turkey Tom is Still A Racist Piece of Shit

Before I made this post I explored the turkey tom tag and WOW! the amount of people who are fans of this piece of shit is insane! How can anyone be fans of this piece of scraped off gum? Fucking disgusting.

[elizabethrobertajones]

so after taking like half a year to watch the second doctor, I burned through Pertwee Doctor in what felt like a week. I was fully ready to formally induct him to the hall of favourites somewhere around the top, pending the wikipedia search to check he such wasn't a terrible guy IRL it made it into the personal life section as per the last 2, and -

[refuses to be in a film when a producer won't hire a gay friend]

good start, good start (already liked everything else I read but this is an incredible character merit mark for a guy in the 50s)

[the doctor is literally just him being himself on camera]

Oh, so I just want him to be my friend, I see

[he said the catalyst for leaving was the death of Roger Delgado among other changes in the last year]

Wait WHAT - is that why there was no more Master later on -

[Delgado died on location filming in Turkey, his own wiki page repeats that this was why Pertwee wanted out]

NO NO NO NO NNOOOO

HOW IS THIS HUGE BIT OF DOCTOR WHO HISTORY SOMETHING I NEVER HEARD ABOUT? I GREW UP IN SCI FI CONVENTION SPACES BUT EVERYONE JUST TALKS ABOUT TOM BAKER LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED BEFORE?

WHAT THE FUCK.

I am DISTRAUGHT, the Doctor/Master stuff from the first few seasons of the 3rd Doctor was absolutely INCREDIBLE television. I'd been assuming Delgado maybe had somewhere else to be. Heartily recommend watching that entire run of the show if you don't want to start any earlier.

Well, anyway. :(

I know people don't like the weird James Bond swing it all took with him but the show had been getting more action-y anyway under the 2nd doctor and then a guy who had literally been in the inner circle with all the WWII creatives like Ian Fleming and probably helped INSPIRE James Bond gets the role, I'm feeling like we're blessed and privileged from this perspective of getting to watch it as a historical artefact. I'm assuming based on the vague things I know about the 4th Doctor, the first I'm meeting with any preconceptions, that he's obviously not capable of bringing THAT to the table because that was no ordinary skillset, Pertwee was clearly a top 0.00001% of actors and Guys Who Had Lived A Life, who happened to be doing a silly BBC sci fi show. I'm expecting it to tone back on all these things.

And then in hindsight from the Doctor Who revival era, all the nonsense he brought, aside from the Venusian Karate and flying car and a few other extreme eccentricities, end up being stuff that feels much more modern and like the kind of antics the Doctor gets involved in. Like, he took the sonic screwdriver from being a couple of times joke into a multi-tool with the first joke about it not working on wood after he uses it through many episodes to escape or explode things, all of which is so common nature to the Doctor nowadays.

He also had far more of the casual behaviours we think of as The Doctor now, especially way less circumspect name dropping of historical people and a sense of having lived all around time and space, sometimes for extensive periods of time (he clearly like. LIVED on Venus to pick up all the various throwaway jokes about Venusian culture to explain things he does lmao). Weirdly, despite knowing he was a timetraveller from the jump, the previous two doctors were quite close-lipped about who they knew and had met, and rarely namedropped.

In any case, carrying on into 4th doctor era cautiously because I am 1: sad and 2: deeply let down by my perception of Whovian culture as I've been exposed to it, which sets a ridiculously high bar for Baker as the high watermark of Who and meanwhile I have just bid farewell to watching one of the most electric actors I've ever seen in anything ever while feeling wildly upset on his behalf that there isn't a bonkers appreciative fan culture for everything he did and he's written off as one of the quirky weird early doctors you don't need to bother with.

(AND THERE WAS WRITTEN QUEER DOCTOR MOMENTS. AT LEAST 2-3 OF THEM, GENDER AND SEXUALITY-WISE. HE GOT TALKED TO IN POLARI. ON TV IN 1972. THAT DOES NOT HAPPEN BY ACCIDENT.)

[chaifootsteps]

The day we get some youtuber making a video on Vivzie's controversies, and instead of "getting information" from twitter, youtube and every place where the bootlickers lies about how "every acusation was debunked", they take it from the critical tags here on Tumblr and expose to the world the type of person she is, things will be OVER for her, or at least her internet fame.

Its frustrating how every video i have ever seen about Vivziepop and her controversies are lazily made, just like 10 minutes of them going "so i saw people saying that Viv did x and y thing, but when i asked her fans on twitter they said it was debunked and that there is no proof of that happening, so i guess they say the truth". Like dude, yes there IS proof of her doing horrible things, you just need to search in some place that isnt fucking "Vivziepop fan account! Viv antis DNI!❤️" on twitter, use your brain.

And i hate those videos that gets really famous and create this popular narrative where she is some poor internet artist that gets false acussations because people are jealous of her, making it harder for her victims to come out about her abuse because they know it will get them harrassed. All because some lazy scum couldnt be bother to actually investigate to make a video to "inform people".

I swear, a well done 30 minutes Turkey Tom type of video will save us.

Also, is there any tag thats used exclusively for exposing Vivziepop for being a bad person? Because "Vivziepop critical" is fine, but its mostly people making fun of her writting and its kinda of hard to search for the proof.

I think we should have one called "Vivziepop archive" or something so every time someone ask for proof of her bad things we tell them to search that on Tumblr, just a sugestion.

There's one in the works, and when it's finished I'll link to it at every opportunity.

But for now, yes, that's an extremely good idea. From now on, when it's actual evidence that's worth showing antis, I'll tag it with "Vivziepop archive."

[the-heartlines]

people are so weird on twt it’s a little concerning. but then i’m reminded that a lot of them are still quiet young and haven’t scratched the surface of living life and aren’t fully capable of being multi-faceted. Getting upset and up in arms bc a fictional character is not warm and fuzzy and doesn’t fit in a box you’ve created for everyone to live in, is weird. Maybe its naivety but there are going to be problematic, complex characters in hotd that you won’t agree with; but other people will find qualities in them that are likeable. And that’s okay!

Just i see sometimes a certain group of hotd fans/accts come after you and i think it’s really unfair that they’re allowed to express themselves freely and you’re only allowed to say the things that will make them comfortable. But i am glad that you don’t let their cruel words affect the quality of your tweets bc they’re really fun and enjoyable on a platform that feels restricted sometimes. I’m glad you don’t take twt too seriously!

Thank you 🙏🏻 🥰

rape mention //

like i get being squicked out and not liking certain dark media aka having limits (due to personal traumas), but it’s strange seeing someone call people who like Aegon ‘rape apologists’ while they’re out there stanning hannibal or tom riddle lol…like im not going to call someone a ‘murder apologist’ for enjoying violent serial murderers?! or when they try to take the moral highground and say ‘rape is “worse” than violently murdering others or cannibalism’ ??? for me, dark content is dark content. you don’t get to cherry pick which content is ‘morally superior’ its all fucked up

and like personally I think aegon is a damn pathetic loser cry baby and his family should noncon him back. anyways hope next season ends with his screams of pain at being fried like a turkey leg. [affectionate]👌

[lewisinho]

tagged by @lewisitshammertime ! ty 🫶💜!

Were you a general f1 fan before you became part of teamlh or have you always been just teamlh and don’t really care for f1?

i used to watch f1 when i was a little kid; i was obsessed with cars and so i was once scrolling through channels on the tv and happened upon f1 and me seeing cars it was pretty simple that i started watching; i was doing it purely because the cars looked cool lmao and i enjoyed the racing, and because i had little ferrari collectibles i cheered for ferrari; no one from my family was into f1, so i didn’t know much about it nor any of the drivers and just watched the cars going round; ‘hamilton’ was just a name on the screen, which in hindsight is honestly hilarious; then i kind of stopped watching it for a long while apart from the occasional race; but what actually got me back fully was covid, dts, and the 2020 season but i wasn’t really ‘teamlh’, i just loved lewis...and then obv the 2021 season happened and it spiralled from there and now i’m literally ride or die for him lmao…

Tell me one of the reasons he brings you joy. Like what can he do that brings the biggest smile on your face?

actually it’s something my mum once mentioned about him which really stuck with me, she called him gentle, which i think really describes him well and it’s this gentleness and vulnerability that he always displays in his interviews, his bright smile, the way his eyes light up, honestly whenever he’s happy, or speaking about smth he’s passionate about, it just makes me happy…and his smile is just so infectious!

but also when people appreciate him, when he realises that he’s loved (that interview in abu dhabi last year broke my heart when he said he always struggled with accepting love and he’s learning how to now); like it’s so hard to come by when everyone is praying for his downfall, but when he realises that there are people cheering for him (in spain when he jumped onto the barriers and people were cheering for him…yeah i teared up)

When did you join teamlh?

properly i’m going to say mid-way through the 2021 season, my friends and i were following really intently and so i got really invested in discussions w/ them + started following what was happening on social media

What is your favourite Lewis comfort video?

i’ve too many, but off the top of my head tho:  receiving his brazilian citizenship, post-race whenever he wins at silverstone (him crowdsurfing and celebrating with fans), there’s too many videos for me to post but they’re on f1fullraces and toto, lewis and val racing the gtrs

What is your favourite race? (Could be favourite f1 race or just face Lewis race lol)

Oh jeez…there’s a few like 2021 brazil is obv iconic™️ but some other absolute favs: turkey 2020 (for obvious reasons), hockenheim 2018 (from p14 yk), silverstone 2008 (THE mclaren lewis performance) and tuscany 2020 (i love rewatching it + that podium was fucking iconic)

What is your favourite Lewis interview?

fav recent ones: have to say that funky one he did with Supercar Blondie (hilarious + he was really chill) and also the one he did in australia with fox (i loved how much he opened up in it); but i also love the one he did w/ toto a couple years back (couple counselling with brundle lmao)

Lastly, and selfishly, recommend me your favourite podcast (if you listen to any)

i’m not that big on podcasts, just like to hear some people’s opinion occasionally so some f1 podcasts: missed apex, tech heads (for some nerdy f1 content), beyond the grid (when there’s someone that isn’t some jealous ex-driver lmao), f1 nation (sometimes i’m like ??? when i’m listening because it’s Tom Clarkson, DH and Natalie and their sometimes questionable opinions but yeah it’s good background noise)

this is long, apologies; I’m also gonna tag: @pridehelmet @delicateglitch

[broodygaming]

TW animal death/gore

This is my least fav part of farming. Today’s butcher day for the big turkey Tom and my extra roosters. They’ve really been causing issues. I lost a lot of hens this year and I currently have I think like 9 hens and 5 roosters. An awful ratio. My turkey Tom is BIG and mean. He doesn’t attack me, usually (he’s like, triggered by bags?? If I carry a big bag like a feed bag, he gets Really upset). But he has almost attacked the kids (my nephews). He’s gotta be at least 30 pounds and he could Fuck Up a 6 yr old child.

😬whats really crazy if I don’t think he’ll fit in our kill cone (you put them in a cone to keep them upside down and compressed. This calms them and makes them mostly unconscious. This leads for a more peaceful painless quick death). He’s just too big!! So even tho I am not a fan of guns, my mother will be shooting the turkey today. It’s either that or we ruin a big plastic trash can and use that. (I’m not against doing this cuz of the trash can, we can buy a new one. There’s still just logistics of a big turkey. He could really hurt me or my mom and it’s tricky to turn him upside down cuz you can’t put all his weight upside down on his legs (with a rooster it’s totally okay and good to hold them by their feet upside down. Bird brain is small and the blood rushes to their head and makes them really calm and mostly unconscious) but the turkey is so heavy ut could break his legs doing this, so it’s just…. Tricky. I want his dead as fast as possible not in pain)

So wish us and them luck. I will be saying thanks for each of their lives. We try and do this with as much respect as we can and don’t be wasteful. This is, in my opinion, the true path to sustainability and the only moral way to eat meat. They live and die right here on the farm, outside eatin grass and sunshine every day. Just one bad day and their life has great meaning. Please don’t send me any hate over this. But if you have questions I’m happy to answer.

[derivativealigner]

Well I haven’t watched sp all the way through for about a decade now, so I thought it was time

Sometimes I wonder how accurate the fandom is when it comes to how we interpret the characters. Like, why is Stan a football star so often in fanfic and why’s Kyle always the smart one? So I thought I’d rewatch the show and make notes along the way to see where the source of all these interpretations is. I also wanted to see if I could get some fun info to analyze, but season 1 is pretty sparse in that regard so there’s not too much of that in this post, but I’ll make a post for all the other seasons too as I watch them

In summary, it’s established in season 1 already that Stan’s a star quarterback and an animal lover, Kyle’s an A+ student, and Kenny is poor and knows a lot about sex and doesn’t have many qualms about doing crazy shit. Cartman is a bit weird since he’s mostly just a naive brat in this season, but he and Kyle have a mildly antagonistic friendship already

I have all my notes under this cut. They include a bunch of small details and other observations. I also listed every Kenny death just because

Ike has freckles

Cartman says “Weak!” and “You guys” and “Seriously” a lot from the start, also “Kickass!” He doesn’t say weak or kickass much in the later seasons iirc

Stan says “Dude, this is pretty fucked up right here” three times in this season but they dropped that catchphrase pretty quickly

Bebe got named in episode 2

Stan’s been an animal lover since s01e03 Volcano since he won’t shoot a bunny or anything else. He does shoot Scuzzlebutt at the end though

Cartman’s a pathological liar but in a childish way

Randy got named in s01e03 Volcano (and it only got worse from there)

The mayor went to Princeton

South Park is next to Mt. Evanson

Kenny will literally drink gasoline

Stan’s a star quarterback in 3rd grade

Clyde’s voice is wrong as hell in S01E04 Big Gay Al’s Big Gay Boat Ride and he has a dog, Rex

Garrison says Kyle is an A+ kid

Shelly seriously abuses Stan, punching him, throwing him, maiming him with a lawnmower

Cartman had a pot-bellied pig called Fluffy

Cartman’s mom smokes crack and has sex with strange men

Dr. Mephesto is probably a Buddhist since he says “Thank Buddha” instead of “Thank God”

Clyde’s voice gets kind of fixed in S01E06

A guy called Mr. McCormick is killed in a protest, launched and splattered against a network building. He doesn’t look like Kenny’s dad though

Zombie Clyde attacks Bebe, rude

Wendy gave her costume contest prize (2 tons of candy) to hungry children in Nairobi

Cartman’s mom is on the cover of Crack Whore magazine. “Back do’ ho… Five on one action!” is the headline

Cartman genuinely cries at Kenny’s grave after the whole zombie thing but gets over it because of candy

Stan knows his mom’s credit card number and has no problem using it to adopt an Ethiopian child (the boys wanted a watch that came with the adoption, they weren’t doing it to be nice)

Cartman calls Stan a vas deference, Stan doesn’t know what that is so Kenny says “Dude, it’s a pipe for your peepee” (according to a transcript). Kenny sure knows male anatomy

Kyle sniffs Kenny after Cartman asks why poor people smell like sour milk and Garrison says “idk eric they just do”

Cartman thinks poor people should die and decrease the surplus population

When the boys get Starvin’ Marvin delivered to them, Cartman says “Hey mom, we found an Ethiopian, can we keep him?” and his mom says “Sure, hun.” She rarely says no to Cartman

Kenny’s dad is an alcoholic who drinks scotch according to Cartman. I mean, Mr. McCormick is seen drinking in multiple episodes and has a hat that says SCOTCH so it’s probably true

Kenny’s family says grace

Craig’s first appearance is S01E09. Also, S01E09 is the first time Kenny doesn’t die (Coincidence? I THINK yeah but it’s still fun)

Clyde got named in S01E10

Clyde and Bebe both spit on Pip’s face, friendship goals <3

Cartman and Kyle have their first fight at Cartman’s birthday party because Kyle didn’t give the right gift. Cartman slaps his face and  screams “I hate you! I want you to die! Die!” while on top of Kyle who’s not really fighting back

Satan throws a fight with Jesus after everyone except Satan bet that Jesus would lose, which leads to Satan winning everyone’s money. Mr. Garrison says “What a mean thing to do!” and Jimbo says “He is a jerk!” and I thought it was quite a laugh so I wrote it down

In S01E11 Tom’s Rhinoplasty Bebe and Wendy are sitting in the swings together and generally appear together throughout the episode, then Bebe gives Wendy a makeover so they’re bffs obviously <3

Craig first appears in the classroom, though not sitting down, in S01E11

Wendy’s not happy about Ms. Ellen taking Stan away from her, she says “Don’t fuck with me! Stay away from my man, bitch, or I’ll whoop your sorry ho ass back to last year!”

Kenny gives Ms. Ellen a scrumptious looking sausage as a valentine’s gift and giggles deviously. Wendy’s gift to Ms. Ellen is a dead animal

Even Kenny doesn’t know what a lesbian is

Wendy’s grandma died in S01E11

Wendy gets Ms. Ellen killed by hiring the Iraqi government (?) to put her in a rocket and shoot it into the sun, then she and Bebe have a pool party (very cool, they wear sunglasses 😎) and watch the rocket hit the sun

Cartman and Pip play a game of kicking each other in the nuts until someone falls. Cartman calls it “Roshambo”

Kenny has a sack of marbles

The boys aren’t fans of Barbra Streisand, but Stan is a fan of the Denver Broncos quarterback John Elway (he’s not a quarterback anymore, he’s an American football executive and the president of football operations for the Denver Broncos of the NFL according to wikipedia.)

Officer Barbrady is a fan of Fiona Apple (who was 20 at the time and had only one album released called Tidal)

Ned knows how to pilot a helicopter

Kyle’s mom is a fan of Streisand unlike literally everyone else, she even gets an autograph from Mecha Streisand

The boys are fans of Robert Smith, the lead singer of The Cure. Stan says “Robert Smith is the greatest person that ever lived!” and Kyle says “Disintegration is the best album ever!” and Cartman says “Robert Smith kicks ass!” and Kenny’s dead so he doesn’t get to have an opinion

Cartman has tea parties with his toys: Polly Prissypants, Clyde frog, Peter Panda, and a dragon called Rumpertumskin

Kyle wants to make fun of Cartman for the tea party but Stan stops him because he’s concerned that Cartman needs help

Craig is in front of the school counselor’s office in S01E13

A young miss Cartman drinks like a motherfucker at the 12th annual drunken barn dance where Cartman was supposedly conceived

Stan lets Cartman borrow his bike like a good friend

Garrison wanted to have a threesome with Chef and Cartman’s mom. I don’t know why I’m making a note of this but uh… yeah.

Cartman’s mom has had sex with everyone at this bar that Garrison’s drinking at, including principle Victoria, the mayor, Father Maxi, and Jesus (and maybe Kenny’s dad since he’s at the bar but the camera doesn’t pan to him when Garrison says they’ve all slept with Liane). Later Gerald Broflovski is a possible father to Eric, so he fucked her too. Also Mr. Mephesto and his friend Kevin, that little guy, are candidates along with a lot of other people, including the 1989 Denver Broncos (and Mr. Tenorman is included in that later)

Cartman doesn’t make fun of Kyle for being Jewish much at all in this season even though the Christmas episode is all about Kyle not celebrating

Clyde and Token appear very early on and Clyde has always been in the classroom (along with Bebe, Red, Kevin Stoley, Wendy, and Pip and uhh DogPoo too I think). Craig appears later in the season and Tweek’s not in season 1 at all, so Craig’s gang isn’t really a thing yet

And here’s a list of the ways Kenny died in this season. He dies in every episode except episode 9, and he dies twice in episodes 2 and 3. Altogether he dies 14 times

S01E01 Killed after alien shoots him, cows stampede over him, then cop runs him over which finally actually kills him

S01E02 Killed in a play by a falling teepee, then a second time shot by Garrison which sends him in the air and he gets impaled on a flagpole on the way down

S01E03 Killed by a volcano rock that burns him then rolls on him but he’s alive again in the end but gets shot by Ned’s gun that he drops and it accidentally goes off

S01E04 Gets his arms and head torn off in an American football game

S01E05 Stan’s clone punches Kenny into a microwave where he gets cooked alive

S01E06 Death touches Kenny

S01E07 Kenny gets crushed by a Russian space station and turns into a zombie because he gets Worcestershire sauce in his veins, then Kyle chainsaws zombie Kenny in half, then zombie Kenny rises from his grave and is crushed by a statue and a plane

S01E08 Kenny is killed by a bunch of turkeys. His eye gets plucked out. It’s dark blue

S01E10 After Kenny gets turned into a duck-billed platypus, Jimbo and Ned shoot him

S01E11 Ms. Ellen throws a sword through Kenny’s face

S01E12 While Mecha Streisand and a giant robot Leonard Maltin fight, Kenny plays with a tetherball and gets the rope wrapped around his neck and it strangles him

S01E13 Kenny gets stuck on a go kart and it drags him around but stops and he’s still alive! Too bad the go kart stops on train tracks and a train runs him over. Stan’s grandpa sends a video of the event to America’s Stupidest Home Videos and wins $10,000

If you read all that, first of all hello. I’m not new to the fandom even though this is the first thing I’ve posted on this tumblr blog. I’ve been writing a fanfic called Caffetamine though so I’m not a complete non-entity. Anyway, I’ll watch season 2 soon and post my notes on that too probably.

[writing-for-me-at-this-point]

ii. Fun Facts About The Cast | Actor Au | Obey Me

Request: Its not, I love this AU tho

Word Count: 2303 words

Page Count: 6.5 pages

A.N. Hope you guys all like this! Fun facts about the cast lmao

[ Actor AU Masterlist ]

Fun Facts

Benjamin ( Lucifer )

- Is the dad of the cast.

- In any scenes with Dmitri ( Luke ), he makes sure to know if he is alright, and often will stop scenes to ask.

- He also is an overall joker, so he has trouble filming most of his scenes, will often start laughing in the middle of filming and can break character the easiest.

- Best with kids overall, probably due to having his own, keeps their lives private tho.

- His hair was white for a past show, but the directors liked the look, so that's why he has white tips.

- One of the few male characters who cannot do those diets to accentuate his abs- so that's why his character is always covered up.

- He's in shape! But, he likes the fat that protects his muscle, he says he needs to stay soft to hug his kids.

- Known diabetic, so there's a table full of foods so his sugars are stable, the cast has glucagon shots all over the sets to be safe.

- Is in his early thirties, but people say he can pull off early twenties- he just snorts at this.

Avery ( Mammon ) 

- Takes the job seriously, and his scenes are easiest to film.

- Dark humor and often is the "Lucifer" of the cast.

- Seeing him switch from Avery to Mammon leaves the rest of the cast and crew fucking s h o o k.

- Will always be seen looking his finest.

- No, no one has seen him in public in sweatpants or anything like that. His image is very serious.

- Is a sweetheart when with the rest of the cast tho.

- His eyes are actually that blue.

- No one is sure if his hair is actually white or not, the way he speaks about it is vague, and fans are always theorizing.

- Watching over Benji ( Lucifer ), and is usually the one to tell him to check his sugars, since the other is quite forgetful.

- Is an immigrant from Turkey, so he has an accent, makes people thirst for him more.

- Helps aspiring actors and directors get into the field, and goes on hard work and talent, not who tries to pay him off.

Jackson ( Leviathan )

- Is the resident fuckboi.

- Always with males and females hanging off him, at this point the pop gave up, no- they aren't his partner.

- Flexes a shit ton.

- Wearing chains, a Rolex, and anything designer.

- Donates half of his salary to ocean reserves and protection funds, he has the money for it, and the show pays him well.

- Always at the beach, or near lake houses and shit, the one ( 1 ) thing he likes about his character.

- Hates the fringe he wears with a passion.

- His hair is actually a light shade of brown, his eyes are a darker shade, but still pretty light.

- First generation, his parents are Korean, so you can pick up hints of their accent in his speech patterns. Gets heavy when he's sleepy. 

Ross ( Satan )

- Is a stoner.

- Goes on Instagram lives with either MC and gets high, talking about the dumbest shit or he's alone in his room and his cats join in.

- "So, if you think about- oH MY GOD PRINCESS. YES, COME TO DADDY."

- Has a kitten curled up on him, purrs loud as hell because mf is so warm, and the lives turn into purring ASMR sessions.

- Into self care, has a line of vitamins, face masks, and everything you can think of.

- Calls his fans his SaStans.

- Dmitri ( Luke ) is his younger brother.

- Will never let him out of his sight, and they love to be as mean as they can to each other, they love each other but love to bully one another.

- Is from the Bronx, so his accent is what Avery ( Mammon ) mimics for his character, often just records Avery's lines and sends them to him so he can practice.

- Owns an animal shelter he funds.

- "Carol Baskin? Who's that?"

- The REAL tiger king.

- Gets all his cats dyed to look like tigers.

Micheal ( Asmodeus )

- Chill as fuck.

- Has like 5+ kids, so the role fits him perfectly, and now it's an on running joke among fans that they are all his illegitimate children.

- You know why Asmodeus on the show wears so much makeup? 

- His eldest daughter is one of the makeup artists, and she loves to try new looks on him, and the producers think it would fit the character well.

- People speculate his age, looks young but is in his late 30's.

- His first child was born when he was 16, so he likes to support safe heavens and things like that for struggling youths- from being kicked out to needing assistance with mental health.

- Tired af.

- Always in sweatpants, him and Ross ( Satan ) are the trademark bums of the cast.

- Thinks it would be hilarious that when Micheal is revealed, in the show, that he plays the character.

- Is a writer as well, TSL is a real series and he writes it, so they let him use it in the show.

- Vlogs in his car, in a Wendy's parking lot, eating a shit ton of food and talking about the most random shit.

- Half asleep in all interviews, wearing a hoodie and sweatpants, it's gotten to the point where everyone memes it too.

James ( Beelzebub )

- Himbo.

- One of the few cast members closest to their character.

- Absolute sweetheart.

- He's 20 years old.

- But how is he so fucking big???

- Comes from a big ass family, the middle child, he's baby 4 out of 9.

- All his siblings are redheads too.

- Very playful tho, with the cast always going along with his antics, making for the best bloopers.

- The contacts he wears make him blind af, which doesn't help since he's so tall, and will bump his head on the doorways and such.

- Can speak Scottish-Gaelic, and even has an accent to top it off.

- He is an absolute unit, and one of the characters who does the stupid diet to show off his form.

- Literally on the verge of passing out sometimes, so he needs to rest with Benjamin ( Lucifer ).

- All pictures, shirtless scenes, and such are filmed first so he can rest after and go back to a normal diet.

- Quiet guy, but loves talking about sports and his siblings tho.

- Is always carrying MC and Dmitri ( Luke ) around, now there are many off-guard photos posted to the casts shared twitter+instagram accounts

- Still pretty new to acting, but is amazing at emotional scenes, to the point fans actually think he's having a breakdown.

- Nah, he's just thinking about being alone, without his family- and it gets him bawling for said scenes.

Conner ( Belphegor )

- Crackhead 

- Will not stay still, either for filming or just when everyone is chilling.

- Scenes where he's asleep? He's usually turned away from the camera, cause the idiot is smiling and giggling.

- Has tripped over his tail multiple times.

- Comes from a farm-life, literal cowboy, his southern accent just hits hard.

- He hides it very well, but it comes out at times or with certain words.

- Sees Benjamin ( Lucifer ) as a mentor, he's in his early twenties and new to the scene, but they are best friends.

- Benjamin ( Lucifer ) has now acquired a new child.

- A living meme.

- You know how Tom Holland can't keep a secret?

- Yeah, he's worse.

- Rest of the cast have all had to physically stop him from talking at one point.

- The cow pillow? It's actually his, when he got the role his father has sewn it himself, so he will bring it with him.

- It's basically free promo for the show and comforts him in the city space.

- Gets overwhelmed in large crowds, so he usually makes sure to have another cast member close by, or he will literally leave to a less crowded place to take a breath.

- Apologized to MC after the scene in which he kills them.

- His mama raised him right, so he takes MC to his house for a movie, in which they cuddle and relax for the night.

- Felt really bad for like... a whole week.

- "Country boy I love you~"

Thomas ( Barbatos )

- Brat.

- This is one cocky man, he's smooth as hell, and one whisper can make you weak in the knees.

- Grew out the one side of his hair, but he slicks his hair back or will pin it back, dyes it himself when it's time to film.

- Loves to piss Alex ( Simeon ) off.

- Has a true crime podcast with Roman ( Diavolo ), Alex ( Simeon ), and Benjamin ( Lucifer ), because they're all old friends.

- Donates to the cold case foundation because he knows what it's like to lose someone and not know what happened to them.

- He has a twin who is his stunt double, they love to fuck with the rest of the cast, both of them are little shits.

- Is the motherfucker who makes a channel and reads the crackhead fanfics

- Loves every word of it tho.

- Responds to every fans dms. Every. One. As a whole account for this shit.

- Walks with a bit of a limp, so he wears a brace to help even himself, but during wide-shot scenes you can catch it sometimes.

- Took actual classes to be a butler for the role.

Roman ( Diavolo )

- Himbo 2.0

- Catch this man tweeting what he's trying to search up at 2 in the morning.

- Leaves them because it's hilarious, makes videos where he reads them out sometimes, it's all in good fun.

- He has a set of triplets at home, so that dad energy radiates into the show too.

- You know how Diavolo seems sus at points of the game? Yeah, he's still like that IRL.

- The rest of the cast was put off at first, but that's how he is, and everyone eased up pretty quickly.

- Makes jokes that he has family in the Italian mob, but needed to stop once his father called him, saying that there were too many eyes on the family now.

- Man was s h o o k.

- Has sensitive skin, so all his makeup and body paints need to be specially made, made with all natural products.

- The bags under his eyes are baby bags.

- Will bring his kids on set, to which everyone will gush over, and watch them when they aren't filming.

- Very private with his kids ( to the public ), doesn't post about them much, and only the cast really sees them.

- Wine dad.

- Catch him bringing the whole cast out for "family trips"

- People nicknamed him Caesar

- So many JoJo references now

- "SHHHHIIIIIZZZAAAAAAAA"

- "Please, no."

Dmitri ( Luke )

- Is actually 12.

- Quotes vines, tiktoks, and other memes.

- Is one of the few people that Alex ( Simeon ) is openly nice too.

- Also has an accent, but since he's young and is learning, can now mimic every other cast member's accent.

- Wear earplugs for certain scenes, because of how raunchy and dark the scenes can get, so Simeon and Barbatos are always conveniently in the way, hiding the plugs.

- Is Ross' ( Satan ) younger brother, and if he isn't hanging off of him he's with James ( Beelzebub ), Benjamin ( Lucifer ), or MC.

- They know there are some sick fucks in Hollywood so he has an adult with him at all times.

- Posts pictures of him cuddling up to his brother and the kittens, new foods he is trying, and some pictures with family.

- He often is considered the new Gordon Ramsay.

- Had a collaboration with him.

- It was amazing.

- Best boy, catch him taking a nap in his ( and Ross' ) trailer, surrounded by tiger kittens.

- The TIGER PRINCE.

Alex ( Simeon )

- Avatar of wrath who?

- The embodiment of "No talk me, I angy"

- Jkjk, though he does have a temper, he only loses it with Benjamin ( Lucifer ), Roman ( Diavolo ), and Thomas ( Barbatos ).

- A sweetheart with all children though, like you know Simeon on the show? 

- Yeah, he's only like that with kids.

- And respectable adults.

- Mama raised him well 2.0

- Grew up in NY

- Born in Gucci and Balenciaga.

- Was a child model and slowly expanded to acting.

- Dark humor galore.

- If Simeon met Alex, he'd probably have a stroke, cause THOSE WORDS are coming out of HIS mouth.

- Says the weirdest shit too.

- "Put your hand on my ass and call me a virgin."

- Bro are you okay???

- He is fluent in five languages and has a high IQ.

- Speaks: English, French, Italian, Arabic, and Mandarin

- Has a support system for children who struggle to learn conventionally, with trained tutors who are affordable, he knows what it's like to need certain needs met to learn, and he wants every kid to get that chance.

- Rough around the edges but has a heart of gold.

Derek ( Solomon )

- Loves to smoke with Ross ( Satan )

- He is more aloof than chill.

- One of the more awkward members, doesn't know how to socialize well, and is very shy.

- Watch out for Dmitri ( Luke ) on the down low.

- Didn't have the best life growing up, so he is a lot more street smart than book smart.

- Doesn't have a big social media influence.

- Very nice to fans, gives full hugs to them, and everyone feels so appreciated.

- Has a husky named Blue.

- Also has an owl, who he took in when he found it on his porch with a broken wing, and nursed it to health.

- He set it free, but she comes back often, and has a nest in the tree closest to his house.

- Named her Lovely.

- Animal person, so he helps Ross out with his animal shelters.

- Uses Blue as a living pillow, and only sleeps in his boxers when Blue is on his bed, because goddamn does that dog radiate heat.

- Him and MC live together, having grown up together, and made their livings together. 

[normallee]

They Were Roommates || Notia and Norma

TIMING: Before Christmas LOCATION: Norma (and Notia’s) Apartment PARTIES: @humanmoodring and @normallee SUMMARY: How to be a Human 101

“Hello, roommate! I have arrived home!” Norma called out as she hung her pirate hat onto the coat rack inside the door. The entire apartment looked bare to her. Nadia had been pairing down her belongings and attempting to make it appear more human. She wasn’t convinced she was doing a very good job but the ghost in a mortal’s body was the authority on these matters. She supposed she’d have to trust them. She stepped inside and looked around some more. “Did you leave Tom on the porch again? That’s not very nice. We need to keep him until Christmas. I heard it, too, requires a turkey. And I cannot imagine having two of them running around.” She went to the sliding glass door and let the turkey back into the apartment. It was big and smelly but she had grown strangely fond of this large feathered creature. Maybe it was because it reminded her vaguely of a shriken. She wasn’t sure. “Are we going to have more lessons today?” she asked. “I have a pen and paper and everything this time. I’ve been told that is what students bring to classes. They also always have gum in order to make bribes of friendship and annoy teachers.” She reached in her back pocket and pulled out a pack, holding it towards her roommate. “Would you like some chewing gum?”

The lack of loud colors in the apartment meant nothing when there was a loud turkey and an equally loud Norma running around, but Nadia had been nursing a cup of coffee long enough that she only flinched a bit when Norma walked in. “Hi, Norma,” she said, a bit too tired for a proper greeting. She wasn’t sleeping much, these days, and… she wasn’t cold, she didn’t get cold, but her body sometimes reacted like it was, shivering for hours before she could get it to stop. She was fine, now, but it came and it went. “Tom?” The fucking turkey. “Oh, yeah! You know, it’s actually proper etiquette that, between the holidays, the holiday turkey is kept out of living spaces. Turkeys need plenty of fresh air, you know. And grass. Keep ‘em inside for too long and they get interior depression.” The turkey thing had been Norma’s idea, sure, but Nadia was rolling with it because, fuck, it was funny. Annoying as hell, but so, so funny. “Yeah, I’m down for more lessons.” They were pretty fun, especially when half the shit that came out of her mouth was made up. Sure, she gave Norma a few good pointers; she didn’t want the woman to get caught and end up killing this body because of some bad advice. “Yes, perfect. It’s always good to take notes. You’ll be quizzed on all of this, later.” She took a stick of gum. “Thank you. See, politeness. A very useful tool.” She popped the gum in her mouth and settled in for the inquisition. “So, what do you wanna know today?”

“Yes, Tom the Turkey. He informed me that was his name through a series of gobbles.” Norma started scribbling notes already as the turkey started to follow her around. “I think he also says that he much prefers the indoors, but we will take your advice into consideration.” She sat on the couch, sitting on the edge with rapt attention with her pen in hand, ready to learn. She would have to take good notes if there was going to be a quiz. Did she need a highlighter? She saw most people studying used one of those and they looked like fun. Oh, right. She had to pay attention. “Well you rearranged my apartment and I’m still not sure as to why. So more about that, please. And as well, I need to understand how a book of faces works. And why toks tik. And what a yeet is. And what humans shop for. There are so many shops and strange items to purchase, I don’t understand the value structure. Did you know that some rocks cost more than others? Why? They’re all rocks. It’s very odd.”

“You… understand the turkey.” It wasn’t a question, but Nadia still cast a doubtful glance towards the creature, looking into its beady eyes for a sign of intelligence. It, Tom, whatever, stared back. Even though the turkey blinked first, Nadia felt like she’d lost a battle of wills or some shit. “Well, thank you both so much for your consideration.” She looked around the apartment, grateful that it wasn’t in the same state that it’d been when she arrived, though it was still a bit odd. The flamingos had been allocated to outside, and she’d managed to get rid of most of those damn trophies. The furniture was better put together, though she didn’t have the patience to really build shit, and she’d short circuited the fucking apartment twice putting things together, but it looked less like an alien lived in the joint. Instead, it looked like an alien and their human roommate lived there. “Okay, so I rearranged things to look, like, more human. Yeah, yeah, all the shit here was very human, but too much human stuff makes you look… less human and more human impersonating. Also, some of that shit was old and obsolete. You don’t need it. Now it looks more liveable, you feel?”

Nadia chewed thoughtfully on her gum. “Okay, so a book with faces on it’s like one of those people from Game of Thrones that’ll steal your face and pretend to be you, but a Facebook is a website, like that town forum thing but with more videos of cats and babies. Uhhh, toks tik is, like, a clock metaphor, and to yeet is to projectile vomit, I think. Humans are dumb, but they typically make purchases for necessity and amusement, in that order if they’re smart.” This was something that she knew about. “Necessity’s like food, water, booze… Toilet paper and hygiene stuff. Amusement’s literally anything to keep them entertained for their short, short lives.” And she knew all about that, didn’t she? “Most of the stuff you’ve got here’s amusement purchases. You need more necessities. Some stores specialize in certain things, be it necessity things or amusement things. And the rock thing is all about rarity and aesthetic. Some rocks are more valuable because they’re prettier, shinier, or because they’re so damn hard to get a hold of. Then, of course, there’s paper money, where someone just wrote a number on a piece of paper and the rest of us are supposed to go along with it like chumps.” Nadia snorted. “Don’t get me wrong, I love money, but it’s fuckin’ useless.”

“Well I can’t be completely sure but he’s easier to understand than most humans, I will say that much,” Norma said. Tom gobbled in agreement before waddling off looking for seeds. The entire apartment felt oddly empty now that Nadia had rearranged it and had removed some of her belongings. They had all been meaningless but she had come to enjoy them and the sense of familiarity they brought. “Old? None of it was very old. All of it was from the last century at least. That is very recent, let me tell you. Nothing has even started to rust yet.” There was barely any dust, too. She had been very proud of this fact. Humans were always so dusty. As Nadia talked, Norma scribbled furiously, taking as many notes as she could. They were in a few different languages, mostly something that just amounted to furious scribbles. She wasn’t entirely sure what note taking actually entailed but it seemed like she was doing it the same way she had observed. It’s not like she needed to read these later anyway. “Food, water, booze. Booze? This is alcohol, correct? That is necessary? Interesting. I do find humans more tolerable when inebriated.” It made them drop their inhibitions and without those, they were far more prone to chaos. She did very much appreciate the improved hygiene over the years, she would say that much. Her face scrunched up in confusion again. “Wait, money is useless? Then why is it so often considered valuable and a thing that mortals will both risk and waste their lives on?”

“Seriously?” Nadia asked, marginally curious. “What does he say?” She watched the turkey, completely confused by the dynamic that he and Norma had going on but, really, it wasn’t the weirdest thing about her roommate. Norma was odd as hell, and that was saying something because some of the fuckers Nadia had worked with over the years had been strange. “Anything older than, like, twenty years is considered old. Some old things are good. Old might mean that it’s worth more, or is considered vintage. But, sometimes old is shitty.” She paused. “Phones older than, like, three years are very shitty.” She peaked at Norma’s notes, frowning at what looked like a mess of squiggly lines. What the fuck? Some of that couldn’t even be an actual language. “You gonna be able to study those later?” she teased. But then she sobered up. “Booze is alcohol, yes, and it’s absolutely a necessity. The drinking kind, not the medical kind. That kind’s not important. But it’s vital that humans have alcohol at least once a week, unless their lame and abstain from that kinda thing. But yeah, most people are way better to be around drunk.” It made them more fun and easier to manipulate. Nadia was a fan of doing business in bars. “Because people apply a fictitious value to slips of paper, and people think they’ve got to work themselves to death to get it, which is dumb. It’s just paper. Just, like, take it.”

Norma thought that Nadia’s question was very strange. “He gobbles a lot. And makes strange clucking noises. Your ears function, yes?” She shook her head. Did she think the turkey spoke in English? That was very silly. Tom made another gurgling noise and she nodded. “You’re right, Tom. Humans are simple minded.” She made a mental note (and a scribble in her notebook) to get Tom more grain. He seemed to enjoy it very much. “Twenty years?!” Norma shot up and practically dropped her pencil. “That’s so recent! Like a blink of an eye!” She let out a huge sigh and reached down for her writing utensil. “How am I supposed to remember what’s recent? That’s such a short time span, the next twenty years are almost here.” She broke the tip of the pencil at her next eplatantion. “Three years? Why do you bother having these gadgets if they are immediately outdated? Why bother? This is silly! That’s no time at all. Do you all really think a year is a long time? Like it matters? This is exhausting. How do you all live so slowly and quickly at the same time?” This felt hopeless. She threw her pencil away, behind the couch. It didn’t matter. “So all humans need alcohol to survive and I can just take their paper money. What about their plastic money? That one is mostly unlimited, right? The currency that is allowed on the small rectangular cards? I ran into some issues the other day but I think I resolved it.”

“Yes, my ears fucking function.” Nadia sighed. “I don’t think that the turkey speaks English. I was wondering if you spoke turkey. How the hell do you understand him?” Asshole. But she didn’t call Norma that, didn’t want to come off as too much of a jackass, even though Norma was the one to start the name calling with that simple minded shit. “Yeah, twenty years is pretty recent, I guess. In the grand scheme of things,” Nadia mused. “But not all of us live for… how long have you been around again?” She was hoping, maybe this time, Norma would say. She was beyond curious about her seemingly ancient roommate. “Technology upgrades at a rapid pace. New stuff comes out every few months, each thing better and more technologically advanced than the last. We’ve come a pretty long way from the invention of the wheel.” She laughed a bit bitterly. “Good question! I did the smart thing and just upgraded bodies when the old one expired.” She took a sip of coffee, glad that Norma was at least absorbing some information. “Yes, and you can, but you’ve got to be sneaky about it. It’s not taking so much as stealing. And you can steal the plastic money, credit cards, they’re called, too, but you gotta be especially sneaky, and you can’t use them for long, or you’ll be tracked. Credit cards are pretty simple: you use one, and they charge you for it. Not immediately, but eventually. I don’t use ‘em. I don’t trust banks.” They were only good for being robbed.

“I don’t speak turkey, I just understand the turkey. It’s very different.” Norma gave an exasperated sigh. It was far less complicated than being human was so it was strange to her to get such pushback about it. Tom agreed. She could tell by the ruffling of his feathers. “I lost track,” Norma said nonchalantly as she doodled severed heads and some intestines spilling on the floor, along with some nice bleeding hearts with knives through them. “Based on your current calendar, quite a few centuries, I believe. But there have been other calendars and other systems of time so it’s all rather subjective and silly.” She added some more blood splatters around the heart with a flourish of her pen. “The real solution would be to get a better, less human body,” she said, mostly to herself, with another sigh. “Can you upgrade bodies like technology? That’s only a ghost thing, correct?” She had a feeling if humans could, they would. They tried so hard as it was to appear less old and feeble as they progressively aged. “Stealing. That’s a thing that is against the human laws, right? Most of them seem to be very against that. I know there are many in different places but that one has always been frowned upon. Humans are very possessive despite the fact their goods and money does not go with them to death.” Her next doodle was a man dying by way of a small plastic rectangle. ‘What’s not to trust about banks, though? Is that not where the money lives? Which you need. Please explain.”

Nadia blinked at Norma, unsure if this was a topic she wanted to keep discussing. “Okay.” It wasn’t. She cocked her head a bit looking at Norma’s paper with raised eyebrows. Violent. She could get behind that. “Damn, okay. That’s, like, an impressively long time. And you don’t age or…” Norma didn’t look much older than Nadia Diaz’s body. At the most, Norma didn’t look any older than Nadia had been the first time she’d died. “Right, right. Super subjective. Very silly. Time’s an illusion, and all that.” She raised her eyebrows a bit. “I mean, you’re not wrong or anything, but less human bodies aren’t exactly easy to find, you know? Outside of this town, at least.” She kind of liked her humanness, too. It was familiar and useful. So what if she couldn’t light herself on fire or have supernatural strength? She could blend in, and humans were in an abundant supply. They trusted their own, even if they didn’t always realize that other species existed. “Yeah, it’s just a ghost thing. I kinda dig this body, though. She’s worked well for me for, like, over six years, now.” She wouldn’t give up this body without a fight, at this point. Besides, it’d literally die without her in it, now, since Nadia Diaz was gone. “Stealing, yeah. It’s definitely against human laws, but laws are subjective. What’s another person to tell me what I can and can’t do, you know?” She grinned lazily, leaning back. “Doesn’t matter. We like to look good, impressive, for the living. Nothing’s more exciting to most people than being better than everyone around them. Wealth makes them believe they’re better. And banks steal money. They all just work for big corporations and the government, and they’re fucking useless when people come along and take your money from you.” Like Nadia literally did all the time. “Why should a group of bureaucratic assholes be in charge of the value of pieces of paper? It’s fucking ridiculous.”

“Physically? No, not really,” Norma answered, eyes still glued to her paper and the hatch marks she was adding to the spleen sketch to add some shading. “For the most part I believe I look relatively the same as I did when I was last human.” The words always felt a bit like boiling water in her mouth. To admit she was ever anything so plain was shameful and never something she enjoyed advertising to her demonic cohorts. They all thought they were so much better than her because they had never once been mortal but it was not her fault that her near godhood was delayed a few years. It hardly mattered in the grand scheme of eternity anyway. “If you say so. You are right, however. There really is an overabundance of humans. I see why it would be much easier to acquire one of their bodies. But you should really consider a siren. I think it would suit you.” Norma tilted her head to get a better look at her work. She ripped the page out, crumpled it up and tossed it behind her before she started on her next set of illustrations. Norma was unsure if anything that Nadia was saying about these bureaucratic institutions were correct but she found herself nodding along in the appearance of understanding and solidarity, something they had gone over in the previous weeks. Questions were an indication of non human behavior, at least that was what she had been told by her current tutor. “So we steal money to be wealthy and toppled the banks. Very much noted,” she said, letting out a small sigh as she finally looked back up at her current roommate. “This is all very nice. Thank you. I appreciate you. But can you just show me how to find the cat videos in the world wide web again instead?”

“Huh.” Nadia took all of Norma’s information in with interest; it was the first time the other woman had admitted to once being just that, a woman. A human woman, in fact, who had somehow managed to become immortal in a way that seemed way better than any deal the undead got. “That’s pretty fucking cool.” Maybe she could check in to figuring out how Norma had become, well, Norma. It’d be pretty fucking funny if she made this body immortal. Then, if Nadia Diaz’s ghost really was still hanging around, there would be no doubt that she’d outlast it. She laughed, though, at Norma’s next remark. “A siren? Makes sense, I guess. I’ve been told I have a wicked good tongue, anyway. Imagine if it was supernaturally so.” Whether or not Norma actually took her words to heart was irrelevant. Half the time, Nadia was just fucking with her. It was fun. Norma seemed to genuinely believe whatever came out of Nadia’s mouth, as long as she said it in the right tone. And, besides, what harm could it do? It was fun, and, if Norma ended up robbing a bank or something, it’d be funny as hell. She could feel that Norma was losing interest, though, so the cat videos question didn’t come as a surprised. Nadia was only a little exasperated as she finished her coffee and went to grab her laptop. “Actually, this time, you are gonna show me how to find cat videos. Remember, it’s just like I taught you.”

[in-my-head-i-do-everything-right]

Prompt: Basically the entirety of “I wanna be yours” by Arctic Monkeys but more specifically “secrets I have held in my heart, are harder to hide than I thought, maybe I just wanna be yours

secrets I have held in my heart, are harder to hide than I thought. maybe I just wanna be yours

In October, while she’s still riding the high of absolutely demolishing Greg Dewey in mock trial, she finds out that the hot guy who’s always standing outside the library after her 3 PM post mock trial coffee break was the one who said that shitty thing about her sister two years ago while walking out of a debate competition—a competition Allie is ninety percent sure he won, by the way. And sure, he looks hot as fuck leaning against that exposed brick in his Tom Ford coat. Which, arguably is his right. To look hot. But, still.

He said the shitty thing about her sister. Allie’s still a little pissed about that. Which is her right.

“You’re Harry Bingham, right?” she asks, just to make sure. God, his name is so… Waspy. Pure Wasp. Bingham. She’s bets his family came over on the Mayflower. She bets they’re proud of that.

He smirks down at her. Smirks. He literally smirks. “Who’s asking?”

She can’t get over the smirk. Like, is it hot? Yes. Is she incredibly annoyed at him already? Big yes. “Who do you think is asking?”

“Well,” he says, adjusting his coat. It’s a really nice navy. Allie’s honestly a big fan of the coat. “If you’re asking…”

“It’s a yes or no question,” she snaps, her arms flailing a little, her coffee sloshing around in her cup. She paid five dollars for it from the student run coffee shop and she doubts it was at all worth it. But she made a promise, okay? A promise to her sister that she’d support small businesses. Which has pretty much only meant stopping with the daily Starbucks, but Cassandra doesn’t need to know that.

“Yeah, I’m Harry Bingham. Why?” How was that smooth? No, Allie would seriously like to know. How did he make that sound smooth? How is that possible?

“Did you do debate in high school?”

His brow scrunches. His head tilts. He still looks hot. “Why—”

“Another yes or no question.”

“Yeah,” he says slowly, carefully, like he’s trying to figure out where this conversation is going in real time, “I did debate in high school.”

She smiles. It’s not a proper smile, more of a half-smile. A smug smile? Doesn’t matter. “Great. Do you remember Cassandra Pressman?”

Harry’s face lights up briefly, probably with recognition. “Yeah, I remember Cassandra. She’s hard to forget. Very… intense.”

“Well,” Allie says, stretching out the word. God, she hates men. “I’m her sister, and from what I can remember, you said some pretty shitty stuff about her, and were, just in general, a complete and total asshole.”

“Excuse—”

“A misogynistic asshole, actually. And you know what, this coffee is shit anyway so—” In one fluid movement, an honestly graceful movement, a movement that Allie is—no matter how disappointed she knows her parents will be in her—proud of, she dumps her shitty five dollar coffee all over the front of his Tom Ford coat.

He lets out this pained sounding gasp that half resembles a mess of curses, and she walks away victorious and mostly guilt free.

Two hours later, he follows her on Instagram. She does not follow him back (even though she thinks about it because… hot dude), and that feels really good too.

-

With a start like that, they shouldn’t make it anywhere. Still…

In November, she runs into him in line at the student run coffee shop. Which just furthers the point that she needs to stop going there.

“Allie Pressman,” he says, and if he wasn’t so hot, so might be a little creeped out. But, also, she does know his name. So maybe they’re even?

“Hi,” she says, semi-awkwardly. About as awkward as can be expected when you run into the guy you dumped a whole coffee on. Also, turns out setting was not what was making him so attractive. No surprises there, but still something to take note of.

“Thought you said the coffee here was shitty.”

She purses her lips. “Well, I have Pfeiffer this semester, so while the coffee here is,” she lowers her voice just a little. God, she loves being dramatic, “incredibly shitty, I definitely need the caffeine.”

“Oh,” he visibly winces, “sorry about Pfeiffer’s class.” And, then, just before they reach the front of the line, “Let me buy you a coffee? To make up for the fact that you will be getting very little sleep this semester?”

She tilts her head to the side. Who the fuck is this boy, and how much is he willing to spend on coffee? “Shouldn’t I be the one buying you coffee. Because… well, you know.”

It’s a half-grin half-smirk this time. And it is, arguably, much more disarming. “My friends and I have taken to calling it The Incident,” he supplies, and oh he’s funny too. Fuck.

“Sorry about that, by the way.” She is not, in fact, at all sorry about The Incident. However, Hot Guy (he does have a name, and she does know said name, but… well) is about to buy her a coffee, and judging by the Rolex on his wrist, price does not matter.

He shrugs. “I had it coming. And I’m sorry about the shit I said about Cassandra.” Allie’s mouth doesn’t necessarily fall open, but it almost falls open, and that counts for something. White boy admits he made a mistake. This is first page news. “I was stupid and upset and probably a little high. And I’m sorry.”

“I’m not the one you should be apologizing to.”

He levels her this easy grin. This content grin. This… I am one step ahead of you grin. “I messaged your sister on Facebook a very lengthy and somewhat heartfelt apology a year ago.”

They are officially at the front of the line. Allie does not care. “Cassandra hasn’t checked her Facebook since 2018.”

“That sounds like a her problem.”

Allie ignores that. “Hi,” she says to the cashier. “I’ll have a large caramel macchiato with two shots of espresso please.”

Harry looks equal parts disgusted and appreciative. And a little bit concerned. Which is valid. “Small black coffee for me.”

“And can I also get one of those brownies, and two of those turkey shaped sugar cookies,” she turns to him. Spending someone else’s money on food is fun. “Don’t they just look so cute?”

“Yeah,” he says, sounding amused and looking way too endeared. “They look very cute. You plan on sharing with me?”

She should not be playing along with this. “Maybe.”

He follows her outside, catching the door and holding it open for her. It’s raining, which sorta sucks, but she has no plans on actually sitting down with this boy. That feels like a step too far.

Only, then—“My place is just around the corner,” he says, so fucking casually. And, God, how is she supposed to respond to that? “I’ll trade you one of those cookies for my notes from Pfeiffer’s course.”

Her heart is about to beat out of her chest. This is not good. “You paid for the cookies.”

“I know.”

Fuck.

“Okay, let’s go to your place.”

-

They have sex five times over the course of a week before her conscious tells her to stop. Then, she tries avoiding him for the rest of November but gives up two days after Thanksgiving. Because she’s not immune to anybody who calls to offere her left over pumpkin pie, okay. Fucking sue her.

“I shouldn’t be here,” she says right off the bat, and he lets out this laugh that involves him throwing his head back. And that shouldn’t be as hot as it is, and she should not be feeling this warm inside because it is literally snowing right now.

“Where should you be, Pressman?”

“Studying for my polisci midterm.”

He continues looking at her way too fondly. Her cheeks flush a pale pink. She blames the change in temperature. “You have Craven?”

“Yeah.”

He does this little waving motion that is much hotter than it should be. One day she will find a thing he looks unattractive doing. Today is not the day. “Don’t even worry about it. Easiest test I ever took.”

“I should still probably be studying for it.”

He shakes his head, and that makes her laugh even though she very much does not want to. “You seem pretty smart. Don’t worry about it.”

That was… comforting.

“You know, I kinda like what we have going,” he says, and nope her heart should not be beating anywhere near as hard as it is. Is she having a heart attack? Oh, God, is she about to die? Is she about to die in Harry Bingham’s apartment? Cassandra is going to be so disappointed.

“And what exactly is this that we have going?” she manages to get out. Yeah, Allie can practically taste Cassandra’s disappointment.

“Eating baked goods and having sex. Obviously.”

She chokes on her bite of pumpkin pie.

“So if you wanna get dinner sometime…” he continues, as though she is not choking right in front of him.

She manages to dislodge the piece of pumpkin pie in her throat. If that shit wasn’t so fucking delicious, she would be swearing it off right now. “Would you be paying?”

He looks surprised. That counts as a victory. “Yes?”

“Then no, I’m good.”

“Why?” he asks, just a little too quickly, and, yeah, his composure is entirely gone, and they are once more on an equal playing field. Arguably, she might have the upper hand right now. Which is nice.

“Because that sounds a lot like a date, and I do not want to date you.”

To his credit, he only looks sort of hurt. She takes another bite of that pumpkin pie. Who cares if it might kill her. “Why not?”

“Because you’re my sister’s high school debate rival, and that just feels a little too it’s a small world for me.”

“That’s a shitty excuse.”

“But it’s a valid one, isn’t it?”

“No, not really.” Well. At least he’s being honest.

“Look, Harry.” First name and everything. This is called progress. “You’re nice and all—really great baked goods—but Cassandra would give me that disappointed face if it ever came out that I’m… associated with you. And, honestly, I can’t handle that right now. Mentally—nope. Not happening.” She sounds flustered. She feels flustered.

“Okay?” She is taking that answer as a win.

“Great!” Too bright. “Hopefully we can stay friends? Or at least the type of acquaintances who buy the other fun shaped sugar cookies and give them the notes to classes so they have a chance to not fail.”

He stares at her, a bit like he doesn’t think she’s real, like he’s marveling at everything that she is. That or she has pumpkin pie crumbs all over her face. And, then: “Actually,” he starts, and oh God, this is not going to go her way is it?

“What?” she says very slowly.

“You know what?”

“What?” She repeats.This is already getting annoying.

“You know what’s hot?”

“What?” (But with additional fear this time.)

“Secret relationships.”

Oh. Oh Fuck.

She doesn’t have an argument for that.

-

Honestly, that’s probably the moment that it all starts.

send me song lyrics and a pairing and i’ll write you a drabble

[11likeswritingfanfiction]

Two Blokes and A Tree

Summary:

Schofield x Blake

During a war, two lovers try to make the most things until the end. Length, 3K.

Contains: Smut, Angst and lots of it, Fluffy Moments and Banter, and of course, character death.

Notes:

A commission from a dear who introduced me to 1917 and I am a fan! You can also commission me! Just shoot me an inquiry to thebittermelon98@icloud.com

READ ON AO3

“I’m going to make a mess of you.” Blake laughs, perhaps sounding melodic to Schofield’s ears. The lad, a blue-eyed dark-haired bloke with his back to him, threw his shirt to him, landing on Schofield’s face.

“I love to see you accomplish such a feat.” Blake purrs in reply, gently stroking his jaw. His skin was smooth, youthful and bright.  His bedroom eye, adorned with thick, dark lashes stared at him with arousal. Teasing Schofield became quite a game for Blake—he loved getting riled since it paid off so well.

“I’ll make you eat those words.” With a tease, he kisses him, knocking him against the tree behind. The air was a bit cool, fog danced in the air as the two lovers clicked teeth. With his thumb rubbing his lips after they pulled apart, he smiles at the light-eyed youth.

Schofield swallows, feeling Blake’s hard length pressed against his--grinding with an ill-intent, wanting to drive him mad.  He grabbed Blake’s dark locks, yanking them back as he lapped at Blake’s exposed neck. Sucking, kissing, marking the boy as his for his own insurance.

After seeing red, flesh splotches appear, Schofield grins--this time kissing him ruefully, unbuckling Blake’s pants to the sight of white briefs.  His pale legs had a slight blush to them. Schofield’s slender yet tough finger up those pale thighs to his bulging package.

“On your need, soldier.” Blake rolls his eyes at the corny display but turns around, dropping his knees.

“For talking so much, you seem so hard for me. Haven’t had a wank in a while, have you?” Schofield says, his head in the crook of Blake’s shoulder, His hand drifted to his front, giving it a slow, determined stroke. His finger brushes against Blake’s plush lips, as if to ask for entrance--his spit drips out, his teeth nipping as the digits. After he’s satisfied with the slickness of the lubrication being enough, he sinks a finger in, past his sphincter.

“...because you do the best.” Schofield grins at the words, deciding to simply implore him.

“You who?” he added another finger, rubbing against his soft walls. Blake doesn’t say anything, not yet at least. It’s only when Schofield rubs the tip of his slick head does he answer honestly.

It was pretty cute.

“Y-You do it best, Daddy.”

“How do you want Daddy to fuck you?” Schofield’s on the third finger, Blake’s practically a sobbing mess under him. His knees buckled, he knew if Schofield continued with this deliberate action that he’d climax far too early.

“On my knees, Daddy--fuck me on my knees.” “ And as he so nicely asked, Schofield did so, sinking his nails into his hips. Feeling that he was completely buried in his flesh, rolling his hips from the base back to the entrance.

Blake lets a rough groan, clawing at the ground below him. Schofield picks up his pace, knowing his lover shouldn’t be satisfied with that alone. Slamming himself against his reddening behind, his hand holding his back so he could be fully immersed.

And then, there’s a voice.

“Who goes there?” A voice—a deeper, older masculine voice said—the two boys froze.

“We’re going to get caught—” Blake puts his hand on top of Schofield’s saying, “Oh, quiet you! Just stay quiet.” The feeling of being watched did excite a bit as he ground against the thick, sweeping cock inside of him—he listened to Schofield’s gasping breath with satisfaction before pulling away from him with a pop.

“Who’s there!” The two of them looked at the direction of the voice, waiting for it and the footsteps that followed to pass by them. After that, they fumbled with their clothes before breaking out in sprints—laughing to their heart’s content as they made it to the open field full of flowers and lush green grass. It was early morning, possibly past midnight and they collapsed against a tree.

The sound of birds chirping surrounded the two men who held each other--the rumble of thunder followed, but every so briefly leaving as it arrived. The landscape around them was tranquil despite the turbulence of the times---to the two young men, they were the only ones there; content in their own little world.

Schofield woke up first, groggily, sniffling a chuckle at the younger man cuddled up against him. He looked like an angel with his eyes closed, the exact opposite of his usual cheeky self. His hands ruddle his soft hair, the air of intimacy as thick as the fog around them.

“Blake.” A voice says--Sergeant Sanders--his voice, powerful, unamused as he watches the Tom stays still, unbothered by the authority figure.

“Blake!” Blake as he’s known to his superiors--jolts awake, his uniform damp with dew, his big, blue eyes alert.

“Sorry, Sarge.” Was his sleepy reply, Schofield bites his bottom lip to keep from laughing.

“Pick a man, bring your kit.”

“Yes, Sarge.” Blake peels himself from Schofield, standing erect as if coming back to life. Despite being quite aware of the things happening around him, stays quiet with his eyes shut. With the Sergeant out of sight, Blake bends down and gives his man a quick peck of the forehead, grasping his slightly prickly face. His touch is gentle, a soft, generous caress--after a beat Schofield’s eyes flutter open, locking onto Blake’s rose-colored gaze--yet Schofield knew this nativity was a ruse, the young man knew what he was doing to him and reveled in it.

“I see you’re very alive and well.” He momentarily grasping his crotch, winking at him.

“You brazen, brazen little lad,” Schofield says in a voice, only low enough for Blake hear--who in turn gives him a grin that makes his heart skip a beat. Schofield, in turn, gives his behind a generous squeeze--this one was, however, different from Blake’s--this action was establishing that he wasn’t going to take it lying down. A bit taller than his he turns, his breath hot in his ears, nipping at the lobes.

“Your arse is mine, although I thought I proved it last night”

“No, really say it again, Schofield.”

The shit smile of a mouthy angel.

The two lovers begrudgingly followed Sanders with the latter ordering them not to “dawdle.”

“No, Sarge.”

They, amongst others, spent their days intimate with the grime and muck, and currently entrapped in slumber.

“Did they feed us?” Blake inquires. Schofield frowns and hands him something, envelopes, full of mail from his family and friends.

“No, just mail.”

Despite the slight disappointment, Blake opens the envelope elated, reading the contents while they strolled, his smile filling with warmth.

“Myrtle’s having puppies.” Schofield grins at his own elation--

“You get anything?”

“No.”--even if he didn’t get anything from his own family, he was more than glad to be with him.

By then during their chat, the fire was lit, meaning salvation to Blake’s hunger was on the way.

“I’m bloody starving, aren’t you? I thought we might get some decent grub out here - only reason I decided against the priesthood.” Schofield lets out a breathy laugh while his boy glances around as if he wanted to devour everything in sight.

“I know something I’d like to devour right now.” When blake turns to him in confusion, he manages to steal a peck on his cheek. He dug into his pockets, looking for food his stashed goodies.

“What you got there?”

“Ham and bread.”

“Where did you find that?”

“I have my uses.”

They sneak off, for better or for worse, passing into the trenches. The bread is stale, Blake makes a face as he bites into it.

“Tastes like an old shoe.”

“Cheer up. This time next week it’ll be chicken dinner."

The trench drops deeper and deeper, Blake takes Schofield’s arm, as they continue their chat.

“Not me. Leave got cancelled.”

“They say, why?”

“No idea.”

They are completely underground, the sky cannot be seen--they were detached from the world above them. They stood in each other’s company, with the Sergeant’s back to them, holding hands.

“It’s easier not to go back at all,” Schofield says, perhaps a bit rash. The pair pass soldiers doing various duties--moving crates and various cooking and medical supplies.

“Something’s up,” Blake says, pausing for a minute.

“...did you hear anything?”

“Has to be the push, right?”

He continues. Again, soldiers move past them, pushing, and again Black watches.

“Ten bob says we’re going up.”

“I’m not taking that bet.”

“Why? ‘Cos you know I’m right?”

“No, ‘cos I know that you bet with your bum and not your bob.” Schofield chuckles, rubbing his shoulder after Blake gives him a playful punch.

“I can’t wait for all of this to be over.” Blake looks at him, holding his hands tightly. Their blue eyes seemed to have danced with at each-other glancing around sharing a quick peck--heart beating madly, cheeks flushed.

“All of us coming out here alive would be a feat.”

“If we do--”

“--When we do survive--we when we do, we should go on holiday, somewhere far,” Blake says with a hum--Schofield looks at him, almost dazed, lovingly bringing his hand to his lips gazing them ever so slightly.

“In your own time, gentlemen...”

They follow Sanders, kicking up speed.

“Is there news, Sarge?” Blake asks.

“News of what?”

“The big push. It was supposed to happen weeks ago. They told us we’d be home by Christmas.” Schofield’s hand tightens around Blakes as he speaks.

“Yes, well, sorry to disrupt your crowded schedule, Blake, but the Brass Hats didn’t fancy it in the snow.” The sergeant replies, sarcastically.

“More’s the pity, Sarge, I could have done with some turkey.”

“Well, I’ll make sure to relay your displeasure to command.” Running through wires, set there for communication, the conversation resumes.

“So what’s on the cards then, Sergeant?” Schofield this time inquires-- turns around and with that their entwined hands drop.

“The Hun are up to something.”

“Any idea what?”

“No - but it’s bound to ruin our weekend.”

They approach a dugout.

“Now listen, Erinmore is inside, so tidy yourselves up.” The two young men are wide-eyed, anxious.

“You never know - might be mentioned in dispatches for this one, if you don’t bugger it up.”

The look he gives is worrisome as he seems to have gone deeper into the dugout.

The young men tidy themselves as much as they can--Blake leans into Schofield, looking quite nervous.

“Must be something big if the General’s here.”

Schofield wants to reassure him--to tell him that things couldn’t have gotten too sire. However, he seemed to believe less and less in his own thoughts as they approached the dimly-lit area with their guns raised. A feeling of unease and uncertainty was thick in the air with their nerves so high.

After seeing their superiors sitting at a table, whispering didn’t put them more at ease.

“Lance Corporals Blake and Schofield, Sir.”

General Erinmore shifts his attention to the two young soldiers, his gaze lingering. There’s the sight of pure authority in his demeanor, even as he questions them.

“Which one of you is Blake?”

“Sir,” Blake replies.

“You have a brother, a Lieutenant in the 2nd Devons?” His eyes glimmered.

“Yes, sir. Joseph Blake. Is he--”

“Alive, as far as I know. And with your help, I’d like to keep it that way.”

Blake’s eyes held a bit of suspicion. After a few minutes of speaking, a conversation which included Blake’s map-reading abilities. The talk came at a standstill when Erinmore dropped a bombshell.

“Germans have gone. Don’t get your hopes up. It appears to be a strategic withdrawal. They seem to have created a new line, nine miles back here, by the looks of it.” His eyes seemed to bore into theirs as his grave voice spoke with careful authority.

“Your orders are to get to the 2nd at Croisilles Wood, one mile southeast of the town of Ecoust. Deliver this to Colonel Mackenzie. It is a direct order to call off tomorrow morning’s attack.”

Schofield and Blake understood the severity of the situation.

Erinmore hands Blake an envelope, one of importance.

“Deliver this to Colonel Mackenzie. It is a direct order to call off tomorrow morning’s attack. If you don’t, it will be a massacre. We would lose two battalions. Sixteen hundred men, your brother among them.”

Schofield reels in being absolutely gobsmacked while Blake was quiet and with the absolute understanding lingering on his expression. He was much better with things like these--that’s why Schofield loved him. He was strong in a lot of ways that Schofield wasn’t.

“Map, torches, grenades, and a couple of little treats. Leave immediately, take this trench west, up on Sauchiehall Street, then northwest on Paradise Alley at the front. Continue along the front line until you find the Yorks. Give this note to Major Stevenson. He’s holding the line at the shortest span of No Man’s Land. You’ll cross there.”

Schofield’s eyes bulged saying and a voice clearly unnerved, “It will be daylight, Sir. They’ll see us.”

“No need to be concerned. You should meet no resistance.”

With a further charm of “good luck”, the young soldiers armed themselves once again, this time exposed by the daylight they encounter.

“Blake - let’s talk about this for a minute.”

“Why?” He was already racing, going at an impressive pace.

“Just need to think about it for comment--shouldn’t we wait till dark.”

“There’s nothing to think about. It’s my big brother. Erinmore said to leave immediately. You heard him. He said the Boche have gone.”

“Is that why he gave us grenades?” Schofield jogged up to him, grabbing his hand--almost with a pleading,

“All I’m saying is that we should wait.”

Blake frowns.

“Yes, you would say that, because it’s not your brother, is it?”

“Look, the last time I was told the Germans were gone, it didn’t end well.”

The young, blue-eyed man pushes past him, and he further pleads with him.

“You don’t know, Blake, you weren’t there. I’m worried about you.” He seems to stop, looking at him with watery eyes.

“Are you speaking as my comrade or as my man?” Schofield doesn’t say anything, just blindly following the younger man, They rush against traffic, even being reprimanded by a passing sergeant.

“Alright, say the Boche have gone. Nine miles will take us, what, six hours? Eight at the very most. So we’ve got time to wait until the sunsets. Otherwise, we’ll be wide open, Blake.”

“It’s enemy territory, we’ve got no idea what we’re walking into--”

“Think about this, you bloke! Blake, if we’re not clever about this, no one will get to your brother.”

“I will.” With that, the conversation ends, as well as Schofield trying to persuade him.

“I just want you to stay safe,” Schofield whispered to say as he followed his trudging figure, approaching uncertainty.

“I love you, Schofield,”

“Don’t...don’t you tell me that like those are your last words. You have to try to keep moving, yeah?”

“Let’s just sit... let me sit.”

“...you can start on without me. I’ll catch up.”

“We can’t. We have to find the 2nd. Remember? Your brother. We have to go now...”

After some time, what they’re met with hinders to the two lovers direly.

Blake’s stare turns glassy as he looks up at Schofield.

“You can’t stay here. We have to move, alright? We have to move. Come on. Come on. That’s it. Come on, come on old man, you can make it.”

Fear, dread. Disbelief.

“Your brother. We have to find your brother, remember? You can make it.”

Blake’s breath is slow. Schofield feels tears stinging his eyes. His breath shallow as well.

“You’ll recognize him. Looks like me...a bit older.”

Schofield holds his head up, almost helplessly as he looks around. They both watched as embers floated in the air.

“What are they? Are we being shelled?”

“No....they’re embers, the barn is on fire.”

Blake’s eyes widened and squinted soon after he winced.

“I’ve been hit...haven’t I. What was it?”

They’re both aware that they were ambushed.

Blake protected him, taking a knife for him. Flabbergasted, the young man feels around, finally finding Schofield’s had trying to stop his wound from bleeding too much. Schofield uses his free hand to wipe away the blood on his lips. His breath comes in quiet gasps.

“Am I dying?”

“Yes, I think you are...but we can pretend like you’re just sleeping."

Blake quietly laughs, making Schofield smile through tears.

“I wish that that was true.”

“Why did you take the knife for me anyways? Now I’m going to be alone again.” His voice breaks up with tears, hoping that he could once try to save his life.

However, it was all but a fleeting dream for the two men.

There’s a muffled rustling--Schofield is handed a wallet from Blake, asking him for something from it. inside the contents held letters, probably from his family and more importantly, a picture of  Blake, smiling with an older woman and a man around their age. He takes the photo, putting it in his hand silently

“Will you write to my mum for me?” Schofield gives her a smile and a nod, now cradling his face. He slowly let go of the hold he had on his wound, and instead of taking his hand.

“Tell her I wasn’t scared.” With every breath, he slips away faster and faster.

“Anything else you want me to say?”

“I love them...I wish that... I wish...” Schofield breaks out in a sob, holding his cooling body close to him.

“Talk to me. Tell me you love me, tell me you know the way.”

“...I love you....more than I’ve ever loved a person. And uh, the way...I know it.”

Blake waits, giving him a small smile as he listens to him continue.

“I’m going to head southeast until I hit Ecoust. I’ll pass through the town and out to the east, all the way to Croisilles Wood.”

“It’ll be dark by then,” Blake replies, his voice almost a whisper. Schofield looks down at him, his eyelashes hiding his grieve-stricken baby blue eyes.

“That won’t bother me... I’ll find the 2nd, I’ll give them the message, and then I’ll find your brother. Just like you...”

Schofield, still cradling his head, kisses him.

“Just a little older like you said.”

[klobsquad]

The Nitty Gritty

warning(s): will cause you to lose a few brain cells

word count: 2716

summary: tom wilson has an eventful visit to the white house

note: thank you all for 100 followers! here’s a gift from us here at klob squad

ao3: link

“Who’s ready to see the orange troll?” Oshie yells. The whole bus cheers, and everybody claps. Tom joins in, getting up from his seat to bump his chest against Kuznetsov’s. He’s excited, of course. It’s a momentous occasion; it’s not every day that one gets to meet the President of the United States. The guys are messing around, Vrana and Burakovsky screaming something about his tiny hands. Tom feels something stirring underneath, something primal. It’s a feeling he hasn’t felt in a long time, not since the playoffs, not since - well. He can only hope that he’s wrong, that the time isn’t now. Not in front of the orange man. Not Gritty - Donald Trump, Tom’s hero.

Tom leaned his head against the cool bus window and inhaled deeply. He was having trouble controlling his anxiety over meeting the President, but tried to come across as calm and collected to his teammates. He reached up to the collar of his shirt and tugged at his tie to loosen it a bit, feeling his heart rate quicken as they neared the White House. Tom remembered watching all the presidential debates and really resonating with his policies. His absolute disregard for his opponents and citizens of his country meshed perfectly with Tom’s disregard for his opponents on the ice.

The bus barreled through the crowded streets of Washington D.C., past the giant crowds gathered on street-corners, decked out in shirts and jerseys of their favorite players. There were countless signs and flags, and of course phones being raised to record the momentous occasion. The visit to the White House garnered almost as many people as the Stanley Cup parade had, and as Tom looked out to the sea of red, he felt the butterflies in his stomach rise once again. It felt deeper this time, stronger than it ever had before. Only when the bus pulled into the White House parking lot did this mysterious anxiety subside, replaced with the nervous and exciting energy of getting to meet Trump.

Tom could hear the excited cheering of the crowd as he and the rest of the team stepped off the bus. Even with all the noise, he could still hear what sounded like someone screaming for hemorrhoid cream through the earpiece of the secret service agent next to him. The man, dressed impeccably in a well fitted suit and black sunglasses, not a hair out of place, remained as stoic as ever as he led the team through the back entrance.

He walks down the red carpet, laid down under Ovi’s request and under pressure by Putin, with the rest of his team. Tom isn’t sure why Ovi and Putin are so close; he asked once if Ovi was a Russian spy, but his captain just winked at him and told him to focus on what’s important, which Tom assumes means physical violence. He smiles and waves to the fans, high-fiving some of them as he walks past, until finally he reaches the doors. He enters the White House, feeling a sense of awe come over him; he’s finally here, in the second most important building in America (Capital One Arena being number one, of course). There’s a strange smell in the air, something that he thinks smells vaguely of spray tan, but he’s never gotten one before, so he isn’t quite sure. It’s a smell that most would describe as putrid, but to him, it’s comforting.

Tom, along with the rest of his teammates, gathered in the foyer. He took a moment to take in his surroundings; expensively decorated with white marble floors, white walls, and paintings depicting previous White House residents adorned the historic building. The flash of a camera pulled him out of his trance and suddenly he was hyper aware of the media personnel scattered around them. An ethereal voice garbled in his ear “Hello, Tom.” Tom quickly scanned the room of people around him, nerves bubbling under his skin, searching for the source of the voice. He shrugged it off, thinking it was a figment of his imagination. A man called over the hum of the crowd, and motioned for everyone to follow him to where the congratulatory speech by Trump himself would take place. As Tom took his first steps forward, he felt his headshot gene involuntarily flex and send a tingle up his spine.

Stepping carefully into the famed oval office, and making sure not to trip over any of the camera men’s abundant wires, Tom was overwhelmed by what he saw. Just a few feet away, across the glossy marble floor and persian rugs, stood Donald Trump. The orange skinned man was standing gracelessly, slumped over and in a tie too short and too tight for his turkey-like neck. His flow - marvelously yellow and fluffy, combed over to perfection. His arm is slung over Melania, who by comparison was elegant and beautiful, her skin pulled taut and her facelift looking masterfully crafted. A million thoughts are racing through Tom’s mind, his breathing getting faster than his rate of suspension. Backstrom comes over to check on him, worry visible in the Swede’s face, but Tom can only wave him away. He has to deal with this on his own.

“I want to thank you all for coming,” Trump begins, in his usual nasally tone.  “This was a yuge win for me, and I’m sure you are all honored to be in my presence.”  The group murmured in confirmation as Trump began to ramble on, taking out various charts that depicted his chances of winning the Stanley Cup.  As Trump spoke, Tom was transfixed on Trump’s gloriously plump head.  It bobbed and shook as the aging man struggled to deliver his narcissism riddled speech.  As the speech wore on, Tom began to feel that same stirring feeling he felt when he was on the bus.  He began to tune out what Trump was saying, as sweat trailed down his back.  And that’s when he heard it; the voice from the hallway, a voice he was hoping he would never hear again. “Tom,” it called from the distance, “It is time. Time to repay your debts.”

Gritty. No - it couldn’t be. They’d had an agreement, yes; the Stanley Cup ring on his finger means he can’t forget about that, but why here? No, he thinks as loud as he can, hoping Gritty can somehow hear him. He ignores the voice, following his teammates into the handshake line. Ovi is at the front, the alternates behind him, and Tom is near the back of the line. As he stands there, waiting, he feels his nerves begin to rise again. It’s almost time for him to meet his idol, to meet Trump, and shake his hand, and -

“Take out Air Force One. You have five minutes,” Gritty says, cutting into his thoughts. Tom feels a sort of tension brewing inside of him, the same kind he feels when he’s on the ice and someone’s head is nearby, and - no, no, not here!

Ovechkin grabs Trump’s hand firmly, the pair whispering joyously between each other. Tom can only wonder what they’re discussing, but if there comes news of NHL-related collusion in the White House, well… After him is Nicke, of course, who is never far behind his captain. He moves away quickly after the handshake, making sure to subtly wipe his hand on his suit jacket. The line moves far more quickly than Tom can anticipate, and he finds himself shaking - whether in fear or excitement he can’t tell, but when he looks down he can see his entire body trembling almost as intensely as one of his headshot victims. He watches as the line shrinks; Holtby, Kuzy, Eller, Orlov, Carlson all pass through, and only a few more people are before him. There’s a buzzing in Tom’s ears, a frequency that can’t be turned down, and as he clutches his head in his hands he gets another message from the other orange being.

“Don’t fuck it up.” Gritty whispers to him maliciously, the voice reverberating around Tom’s mostly hollow noggin.

As the distance between Tom and the President shrinks, the murmurs and clicks of the cameras fade away as his focus zeroes in on his target. The ringing in his ears grows louder, and he’s on high alert. Andre Burakovsky is the last teammate in line before him, and as he steps up to Trump, Andre turns around and throws Tom a wide grin. Hurry the fuck up you dumb Swede, Tom thinks, blood rising to his already spinning head. He had to admit he always thought Andre was a couple fries short of a happy meal, and right now he was pissing him off. Andre stepped to the side after shaking Trump’s hand, and time seemed to slow down.

The only thing Tom could hear as he steps up to the President is the blood rushing to his head. Trump reached his tiny hand forward, and Tom did everything in his power to resist the power of Gritty. As he grasped the President’s hand, he froze, his eyes dilating, and before he could stop himself, he felt his head lurch forward the way it has so many times before. His head slammed against Trump’s with a loud THWACK that resonated around the Oval Office. Trump’s body went flying like a puck through the cold air, crashing through the picturesque windows and out on to the front lawn. That was the last thing Tom remembered seeing before everything went black.

Tom feels a powerful force hit him from behind, and his body drops to the ground. He tries to look up and see what had happened, but all he can see is black. A large, shadowed figure appears, and as it draws closer, Tom can see the unmistakable rotund shape and messy orange fur - Gritty. Gritty comes closer, until all Tom can see is its face. Gritty’s googly eyes spin around, stopping for a moment as they peer right into Tom’s soul. “You did well, Tom,” it says. Suddenly, Gritty fades away, and with it goes the blackness. Tom can see again, and he’s still in the Oval Office. Several large, burly men are on top of him, almost as though he’s in a scrum on the ice, but he’s not wearing skates, and these aren’t hockey players; they’re Secret Service members. The room is loud and chaotic, his teammates being ushered away by the suited men while others yell at each other to contain him - contain Tom. He thinks back to a few minutes ago, how he couldn’t help himself, and knows that he must check on Trump. He fears that Gritty’s message meant the worst, and soon enough, he’ll be in a high-security federal prison with no way of knowing what happened to his idol. Tom starts to thrash, trying to escape their grip so he can check on his president, and they  only press harder. He isn’t strong enough. He feels like he’s being treated like an animal, not deserving of compassion or sympathy. This isn’t how people should be treated, well, unless you’re that rat Brad Marchand.

Tom could feel hands envelop his body, dragging him out of the Oval Office. The handcuffs cut uncomfortably into his wrists as two straight faced Secret Service agents gripped his arms tightly and shoved him towards the police car that awaited his arrival outside the doors that the team had walked through not an hour earlier. He was roughly shoved into the back of the car, and the door slammed behind him soon after. He craned his neck around to catch a glimpse of the now ex President’s lifeless body splayed across the White House front lawn and sighed. Tom turned back around to face forward, and hung his head in despair. The police car’s siren sounded as the car sped off to take Tom to where he’d be locked up for his foreseeable future.

With news spreading around the league of Tom Wilson’s assassination of President Donald Trump and the subsequent overthrow of the U.S. government by Communist leader Gritty, The Athletic sat down with some of the players at the 2019 NHL Media Day to see how they felt about the national incident.  

When asked, Washington Capitals captain and former teammate of the suspect Alexander Ovechkin responded with one quick remark, before refusing to answer any more questions on the topic.

“When team went to White House, I remind him not to be stupid.  But what he do? Be stupid.”

When interviewing Pittsburgh Penguins team captain Sidney Crosby, he proceeded to dance around the subject, saying, “You know, uuhhhh we just gotta keep gettin’ pucks to the net.”  

He then fastened a butterfly jibbit onto one of his crocs, seemingly to calm his nerves.

The NHL’s up and coming superstar, Edmonton Oilers’ Connor McDavid was also interviewed about the tragedy. He seemed to ponder for a moment, in his usually quiet disposition, before sneezing loudly.

“No comment.” was all McDavid had to offer before he had to leave for practice. Sources say, however, there was no practice being held, and that McDavid felt uncomfortable and wanted to leave.

Carolina Hurricanes defenseman Jaccob Slavin had a more personal take on the matter. “I think that for an NHL player to actually go out and kill someone, in cold blood, especially knowing that there are children watching live - it’s just beyond wrong,” he told Hurricanes reporters. “I have no words. Think about what Jesus would say. He would absolutely not stand for this. No one, not even Trump, deserves to be so violently slaughtered by that - well, I’m a good Christian man, so I’m not going to say it. Wilson can be forgiven, of course, but it’s not our place to do so. He’s in Jesus’ hands now. Amen.”

Last, but certainly not least, the Boston Bruins’ feisty left winger Brad Marchand was stopped and asked about the incident. Marchand has a history of playing a dirty game, and so it seems his response was not particularly surprising.

“Eh,” he said, breathing closely into the mic, “I thought it was a clean hit.”

Philadelphia Flyers defenseman Shayne Gostisbehere, when asked about his thoughts on the matter involving his team’s former mascot and current Temporary Dictator of the U.S., Gritty, said “I mean, honestly, anything’s better than Trump, I guess. I thought Communism was bad, but so far Gritty’s already done a lot of good for this country, and it’s only been a few days. Maybe we should be thanking Wilson. Wait, forget I said that. Murder is wrong, kids, even if it does make the world a better place. Wait.”

Tom was lying in his cold cot in his cell, with a single threadbare sheet as the only luxury that he was allotted. He had used more brain power to think about his actions of the previous day than he had ever used before. His head ached from the mental exertion. Tom closed his eyes and inhaled deeply, trying to calm his thoughts.

He opened his eyes and scanned his surroundings - dark gray walls, scarce lighting that emitted a foreboding touch to his already depressing surroundings, and iron bars that kept him trapped there. He thought his mind was playing tricks on him when he saw a mass of matted orange fluff descend from the ceiling. Gritty completed his acrobatic routine (that was reminiscent of Pink’s “Glitter In The Air” 2010 Grammy performance, if he said so himself) and appeared directly in front of him.

“Was it worth it, Tom?”  Gritty asked, his eyes looking in two different directions, neither of which was anywhere close to where Tom actually was.  “You were so desperate to win the Stanley Cup that you would do anything, even if it meant sacrificing the rest of your life.  You couldn’t just let time take its course.  Instead, I made sure the Flyers wouldn’t win this year, and ensured that the Capitals would. ”

“But why this? I would have done anything else,” Tom cried, “Giving up my life as a Cap wasn’t supposed to be part of the deal!”

“You may not be a Capital anymore,” Gritty said, booping Tom’s nose, “But you’ll be a capital murderer forever.”

[onimiman]

Halloween 2018 Film Retrospective (no major spoilers ahead)

Throughout the entirety of the month of October 2018, I had watched a movie everyday that was, in at least some tangential way, related to Halloween. I can't really call all of them horror films (and to find out why, please see below), although I will say that many of them were unfortunately films that ranged from mediocre to downright unwatchable; had I not been forcing myself to watch these movies for the month, I would have given up ten minutes or so in. And I know I'm a bit late to the party since I'm only posting this on November 3rd, but fuck it, here's the list anyway. So without further ado, let's begin this retrospective with not the first film I watched this October, but the last film I watched for September, which I will call Film #0.

#0: The Babysitter (2017)

The plot: A twelve-year-old boy still hangs out with his babysitter when his parents are away, and just as he is developing deeper feelings for her, he learns a dark secret about her and her friends. This prompts him to undergo a night of survival that forces him to grow up and move on from his own feelings of inadequacy.

My thoughts: This movie feels like it was somehow a holdover script from the 1990s; when the film brings up an element from 1996's hit movie Independence Day, a movie that no one gives a shit about anymore (see how its sequel, 2016's Independence Day: Resurgence, flopped hard at the box office), it serves as only one piece of evidence for that claim. However, I did find the movie to be quite fun nonetheless, even if not all of the jokes in this horror comedy quite landed the way they intended to, but to me, it did have a stable story structure and everything storywise paid off with what was established early on. It's an easy less than 90 minutes to kill on Netflix and I recommend it even if you're not a horror fan.

#1: Leatherface (2017)

The plot: In this prequel to Tobe Hooper's seminal 1974 horror classic The Texas Chain Saw Massacre, we see the birth of the cannibalistic Sawyer family's iconic member turn into this film's titular villain.

My thoughts: By all means, this was a stupid and unnecessary film that shouldn't have been made. But I went into this expecting to simply be entertained by the violence and gore that was to come about. And was I? Yes, I was, and admittedly, the film did make me feel stupid in misleading me as to who Leatherface was going to be, even though there was a piece of evidence in the movie that did make me think, “Naw, it couldn't be.” So, for that, I can't completely shit on this film. If you're not a fan of gore, you'll despise this movie, but for me, it's a guilty pleasure by far.

#2: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003)

The plot: In this remake of Tobe Hooper's seminal 1974 horror classic The Texas Chain Saw Massacre... pretty much the same shit from that film occurs in this one with only a few slight differences.

My thoughts: Having watched this not long after watching Leatherface, I knew that I was going to get something significantly more conventional, and boy did I get it. It's as boring and unmemorable as most other horror films from the 2000s are, and if I wasn't doing this retrospective, I would have forgotten this one altogether. And moreover, the kills in this are so much more disappointing than in Leatherface, with little to no gore here, so I can't even watch this from the POV of basic primal enjoyment. Skip this one whether you're a horror fan or not.

#3: Goosebumps (2015)

The plot: What starts off as a boy-meets-girl story turns into a spooktacular tale of adventure that involves stopping an army of monsters that come directly from the mind of children's horror author R.L. Stine.

My thoughts: This is a movie that I imagined that I would have enjoyed watching as a kid every now and then, especially during Halloween, but as it stands, it's a little too dull for me and it makes me question what kind of threat do any of these monsters pose to our characters if they never actually kill anyone. It's still fun, if even in a standard way, and Jack Black as R.L. Stine, while incredibly hokey in the role, is obviously having a lot of fun here, so for that, I guess I can recommend this one if you have kids. There's nothing in here that'll actually scare them (unless they're a young Justin Bieber type who'll have nightmares over fucking Scooby-Doo) so you won't have anything to worry about showing them this.

#4: Silent Hill (2006)

The plot: When a young woman takes her adopted daughter to a ghost town called Silent Hill to solve the mystery of the girl's nightmares, they are quickly separated from one another and plunged into a dark demented world with hints of a core secret that must be solved.

My thoughts: I heard about how bad this one was for years, but as I was watching it once the characters actually reached Silent Hill, I found myself enjoying it and finding it to be a legitimately scary movie. The problem? The payoff at the end. I don't know if this is the payoff in the game, but the solution somehow felt a little too mundane and I kind of eye-rolled at the film's jabs at religion (and I speak as someone who's not religious at all). Decent movie for the most part, but I can't really recommend it on account of where it all leads.

#5: Venom (2018)

The plot: When disgraced San Francisco journalist Eddie Brock sneaks into the lab owned by the business magnate who ruined his career, he is bonded to an alien parasite who gives him extraordinary abilities and the antihero persona of Venom. Together, Eddie and Venom must work together if they are to take down business magnate Carlton Drake and the symbiote that he bonded to, Riot, before they can unleash a symbiote invasion upon Earth.

My thoughts: Okay, I know this is kind of cheating because it's not really a horror film in a conventional sense, but since the movie deals with a man being bonded to something that can kill him from the inside if they are both not properly fed, I thought I'd include this movie in this retrospective. Now, with that being said, I found this movie to be pretty standard for a superhero film, and in the year that films like Black Panther, Avengers: Infinity War, and Deadpool 2 came out, Venom looks kind of subpar in comparison. However, as standard as the story and action scenes were, I still enjoyed it for what it was, and as cliched as it is to say this now, Tom Hardy as both Eddie and Venom have some magnificent chemistry that makes me want to see more of them in a sequel. I'd recommend it, but with this stipulation: Only if you're not too versed in superhero films.

#6: Halloween III: Season of the Witch (1982)

The plot: A pair of mysterious death leads a medical doctor and the daughter of one of the victims to investigate a conspiracy in a Halloween mask-producing factory that can have far-reaching consequences.

My thoughts: I regret seeing this movie for only one reason: That this wasn't the film I saw for October 31st, because this is, by far, the most Halloweeniest movie I have ever seen. Otherwise, I enjoyed this movie more than I did the original 1978 Halloween or any of its sequels or remakes (which I'll get to later in this retrospective). While not exactly having the best atmosphere, Halloween III: Season of the Witch is a very interesting movie that is draped in its titular holiday, with a unique premise to boot, that is kind of suspenseful, even if it doesn't have a real resolution. It's a film I wouldn't mind rewatching for next year, especially if it's a rainy day.

#7: Final Girl (2015)

The plot: A teenage girl is trained in rigorous self-defense techniques by a mysterious man for the purpose of combating those who seek to wrong others.

My thoughts: As trite as that premise may sound, it's still very interesting in execution, especially if one is familiar with horror movie tropes like the defenseless teenage girl who wins at the end despite all odds against her. It's decently acted and directed, it runs at just the right length, and if I have any complaints about it, I just wish we went into this movie with our killers believing that this was just going to be another of their victims so that we could be surprised at the turn of events. Other than that mil critique, it's a quaint, simple film that you could watch on Netflix on a rainy day like the previous movie above.

#8: ThanksKilling (2008)

The plot: A 500-year-old talking turkey is brought back to life via dog urine on his grave and intends to kill the nearest people nearby.

My thoughts: This movie was an abominable piece of shit that's as unbelievable in every way as the premise that I laid out above. I'm not even joking about the dog piss thing either; that's how the killer comes back. The filmmaking here is student-level amateurish, the acting in it is jaw-droppingly bad, and this film's attempts at trying to be humorous make me want to punch a cat. Never watch this movie ever.

#9: Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers (1988)

The plot: Ten years after his killing spree in 1978's Halloween and 1981's Halloween II, Michael Myers has returned (as the title would indicate). With his sister Laurie Strode having died in a car accident in between films, Michael's new target is his niece, Jamie Lloyd, and his titular return renews the carnage that his psychiatrist, Dr. Sam Loomis, must stop.

My thoughts: A fairly dull film that's only half as decent as the first two films and nowhere near as entertaining as the third. The acting on the parts of Donald Pleasance as Dr. Loomis and Danielle Harris's turn as Jamie Lloyd were the bright spots in this film, and the ending is famous for being one of the most shocking things in this series that is never followed up on. Unfortunately, I can't recommend anyone watch this, whether you're a normie or a Halloween fan, especially considering what follows...

#10: Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers (1989)

The plot: Pretty much the same shit as the last movie only with more self-aware corniness this time around and a shittier Michael Myers mask.

My thoughts: Ditto from what the plot described. I feel bad for Pleasance and Harris here, they are way too good for this movie.

#11: Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers (1995)

The plot: Michael Myers finally kills his niece Jamie Lloyd, but now must go after her child as per instructions from the Cult of Thorn. But not if Dr. Loomis, Kara Strode, and Tommy Doyle have anything to say about it!

My thoughts: If you thought that how I delivered this plot wasn't exactly all that Halloweeny, believe me, this movie doesn't deserve to be treated with that kind of respect. I honestly don't want to say anything more about this movie except for these two things: what an awful last movie for Donald Pleasance to go out on before he died, and for a first movie, who woulda thought that Paul Rudd could be so damn boring?

#12: Halloween II (2009)

The plot: Director Rob Zombie takes one last shit on the Halloween franchise after his 2007 remake of the first movie debacle. Is it sad that this movie gets less of a respectful plot synopsis than the last three Halloween movies discussed on this list?

My thoughts: I saw Rob Zombie's 2007 Halloween remake in the theater, and it was one of the worst movies I'd seen on the big screen. I'm so glad I missed out on this one when this came out in theaters because holy fuck, this one makes Zombie's first Halloween look like a masterpiece in comparison. I could go on to explain why for those of you haven't seen these movies, but all I have to do is point you to Phelan Porteus's reviews of Rob Zombie's Halloween movies; he'll explain it all.

#13: A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984)

The plot: Deranged child murderer Fred Krueger returns from the dead in the form of a dream demon to kill the teenage offspring of the people who murdered him through those teenagers' dreams.

My thoughts: Finally, a legitimately good movie on this list that I don't have to dismiss as just mindless fun or even scary but with a bad payoff at the end like with Silent Hill. This movie is good even if you're not a horror fan; I whole-heartedly recommend this. And if nothing else, it's interesting to see how young Johnny Depp was, what with this being his first movie, and I could see just what the ladies saw in him back then.

#14: A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy's Revenge (1985)

The plot: Freddy's back! And this time, he intends to enter the real world through the form of a troubled teenage boy who may or may not have some repressed feelings about himself...

My thoughts: This movie is about as subtle in its homo-eroticism as a series of Michael Bay explosions (not that I'm against homo-eroticism, since I'm a bisexual myself, I just think that this movie was a little too on the nose with that kind of stuff). And while I did find this movie to be surface-level enjoyable for the creative kills, I can't help but think that this was kind of dull, especially in comparison to the first film and as we move forward with the other sequels. The worst part about this is that I find myself scratching my head as to why this is a Nightmare on Elm Street movie when, in spite of the use of dreams here, this doesn't really feel like the Freddy Krueger we know from the first movie nor does this hold up with the character we see in the subsequent sequels. I don't know how to explain it, but somehow, Freddy's characterization seems off in this one. In spite of this film's inclusion of homo-eroticism, something we seldom see in movies like this, I have no problem saying that you can skip this one.

#15: A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors (1987)

The plot: Nancy Thompson, the sole survivor of the first Nightmare on Elm Street, returns with Freddy Krueger this movie, and this time, she intends to help his intended victims fight back. In a sanitarium for suicidal teens with sleep disorders, Freddy intends to kill the last of the Elm Street children. But Nancy intends to utilize the help of one of the teens, Kristen Parker, who has the special ability to unite people into a single dream space and allow them to develop their own dream powers to counter Freddy.  But Freddy isn't as easy to defeat as one may think.

My thoughts: Honestly, this is as good of a sequel as the first Nightmare on Elm Street deserved, as it's a unique take that manages to continue the story of the first in a natural yet unorthodox way, not unlike what Aliens did with Alien. The horror of the first film may be toned down significantly here, but at least the story was interesting, the characters were fun to watch, and Freddy is so much fun here. I recommend it for how Inception-y this movie can get, even if this doesn't have the same level of intelligence as that movie did.

#16: A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master (1988)

The plot: Despite his defeat at the end of the previous film, Freddy Krueger is resurrected and he finally accomplishes his goal of murdering the last of the Elm Street children, accomplishing his goal once and for all. However, Freddy isn't so satisfied; he wants more children and teens to kill, and he will get more, through Kristen Parker's friend, Alice Johnson, to whom Kristen gave her dream-sharing ability. So unless Alice can find a way to stop Freddy, the latter's fun could continue...

My thoughts: I think it's safe to say this is the point in the franchise when all the horror in Freddy Krueger is pretty much gone and replaced with fun schlocky Freddy. And you know what? I'm okay with that, because it's always great to see Robert Englund have fun in this role. And in spite of the writing not being as strong as it was in the first and third films, I still find myself caring about our characters like Alice, and I was genuinely saddened when the last of the Dream Warriors died. It's rare when I can actually feel that kind of sadness for dead meat characters like these. Fun watch, would recommend, but be prepared to look at Freddy in a different light. And stay around after the credits, as Freddy sings a hilarious rap that just made me smile.

#17: A Nightmare on Elm Street 5: The Dream Child (1989)

The plot: Freddy just can't stay dead, for now he has a new dream master to kill people through: Alice Johnson's unborn child, who spends 70% of his life in a dream state in his mother's womb. So how can Alice defeat Freddy this time without having to sacrifice her dream child in the process?

My thoughts: “Faster than a bastard maniac! More powerful than a loco-madman! It's Super-Freddy!” If you don't know what that scene is, I urge you to look it up, as it's the best scene of the whole movie and it really capitalizes on just how much of a joke Freddy Krueger has become at this point in the series. However, unlike the bastardization of a character like Michael Myers in, say, one of Rob Zombie's Halloween movies, Freddy is still an enjoyable enough character where even one who despises the Nightmare sequels overall can still find little jewels like the aforementioned line. Give it a watch if only for just that one scene.

#18: Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare (1991)

The plot: Freddy Krueger has all but run out of kills in his hometown, and now he wants to expand nationally. But not if his daughter has anything to say about it!

My thoughts: This has become pure comedy at this point. But my God this is golden. When one of this movie's kills is an extended scene of a guy jumping around with cartoonish sound effects to boot while dreaming that he's in a video game being played by Freddy, you know that the filmmakers know what kind of movie they're making. And I enjoyed this as one of the most guilty pleasure films I'd ever seen. I do think that the film ended on a somewhat anticlimactic note, but alas, the film was an interesting end to Freddy's evolution as a character of horror to a character of dark comedy, and for that, I recommend this one.

#19: Halloween (2018)

The plot: Forty years after he terrorized Haddonfield, Michael Myers has once again escaped from Smith's Grove Hospital to return to where his reign of terror all started. But this time, the one who got away, Laurie Strode, is ready for him... but her daughter and granddaughter may not be.

My thoughts: Aside from Jamie Lee Curtis's fantastic performance in this film, I thought this was just a run-of-the-mill horror film that's competent enough and has its moments but is otherwise forgettable if you forget that this is a Halloween film. If you're a Halloween fan, I think you'll be satisfied; it's certainly better than the majority of its sequels (especially The Curse of Michael Myers and Resurrection) but that's all.

#20: Meet the Blacks (2016)

The plot: During the Purge, the Black family (yes, that's their last name, and yes, the film does make several racially inappropriate jokes about it) move into an upper class white neighborhood where they are confronted by their patriarch's past in the forms of those he's financially wronged in some way or another.

My thoughts: This is only the second worst movie I've seen for this retrospective (yes, ThanksKilling is number one). Aside from all the racist jokes going on here, this movie is just a failure of a comedy and as a spoof/satire of the Purge franchise. It doesn't say anything new or fresh or in any interesting ways, and in fact, some of the “comedy” here just doesn't make any sense (then again, I just might be missing out on a reference, as if that's supposed to justify bad comedy). This movie may have been less than 90 minutes, but my God, it felt like an eternity having to slog through this piece of shit. Do I honestly even need to say skip this one?

#21: The Rezort (2015)

The plot: Years after the cancellation of the zombie apocalypse, the remaining zombies have been rounded up to an island owned by a private company where people can come and pay as tourists to shoot zombies. But when a conscientious objector sabotages the island's systems, the zombies quickly take over and many people die. So a small group of tourist survivors must reach a rendezvous point at the end of the island if they are to escape not only the zombies but also a strafing bombardment meant to eliminate the zombie outbreak.

My thoughts: For a movie that was obviously conceptualized as Jurassic Park (or Jurassic World since this park is actually running) but with zombies instead of dinosaurs, this movie ain't half-bad. The characters are nothing to write home about, although there is a Dirty Harry-type I was routing for the entire movie, and the action and plot are pretty standard for a zombie flick. Still, it's a mildly fun time and I recommend you give it a go.

#22: Scream (1996)

The plot: A mysterious serial killer who is savvy in the ways of the slasher subgenre of horror is gradually killing off various people around high schooler Sidney Prescott. So who could it be?

My thoughts: Talk about a standard slasher flick elevated by the principle of being meta. I enjoyed it, yes, and with the way the film is constructed as a whodunit, it certainly manages to stand out as above average overall. I could see how this was revolutionary back in the 1990s, but now, with pretty much every single genre movie being self-aware in some way or another, I just kind of shrug my shoulders at it as an experience. I think it helps if you're familiar with the slasher subgenre if you're to watch this, but I think it's a good enough film to stand on its own to someone who hasn't seen a slasher flick their whole lives, if only for the story.

#23: Hush (2016)

The plot: A woman with an instinctive writer's mind who is both deaf and mute in a cabin in the woods is thrust into a deadly cat-and-mouse game with a deranged serial killer who wants to toy with her before he kills her.

My thoughts: This is a movie that squeezes every bit of tension and suspense it can in the eighty-something minutes it has, and it makes good use of that tension and suspense in conjunction with its expert pacing. At no point did I think anything was dragged out; everything here was just as long as it needed to be, and it was all resolved in a satisfactory (and quite bloody) way that left me feeling, “Yep, that was a good time.”

#24: The Bye Bye Man (2017)

The plot: There is a demonic entity known as the Bye Bye Man who will psychologically torture you before he kills you if you think or say his name. And he's doing that to three young adults who are all living together in a haunted house. Yeah...

My thoughts: A very forgettable, subpar horror film with an antagonist with an awful name and no memorable appearance. Skip.

#25: Scream 2 (1997)

The plot: One year after the Woodsboro killings, Sidney Prescott is once again haunted by the return of Ghostface as she is attending college this time around. But who could Ghostface be this time? And what meta-commentaries could this movie bring forth about the slasher genre and sequels both?

My thoughts: This is a film that feels like it was planned out from the beginning as a companion piece to the first film; by that, I mean that it feels like writer Kevin Williamson always intended to have this movie be made after Scream had come out. And considering that this movie was released only a year after its predecessor, I think that theory may be true (then again, I haven't done any research for this movie, so for all I know, Williamson and Wes Craven didn't even intend for there to be a sequel in the first place). Regardless, this feels like a natural progression of the first film and while not necessarily surpassing it in terms of quality, I feel like it lives up to the first Scream in a satisfactory way.

#26: Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday (1993)

The plot: After years of killing horny teenage counselors at Camp Crystal Lake, Jason Voorhees is finally blown away into literal bits and pieces by the FBI. However, his spirit lives on as his essence is passed on from person to person until he can find a permanent new body through a living blood relative, and all the while, his killing spree resumes.

My thoughts: As a movie that was intended to be the finale to Jason Voorhees, this did have some silly moments in it like Freddy's Dead but not nearly as over-the-top. And it is a little disappointing to not have Jason in his prime form like he was in Friday the 13th Part VI to VIII and, again, it was a little bit more disappointing than Freddy's Dead (which is far more entertaining), especially since this movie retcons so much of Jason's mythology that it feels like no one who worked on this movie has ever seen a Jason movie. So, yeah, I can't recommend this one unless you're a Friday the 13th fan (and even then, I don't think you'll like it).      

#27: Terrifier (2016)

The plot: A mute man in a creepy clown costume stalks multiple victims in a condemned apartment complex with ruthless killing methods that make him worthy of the moniker Terrifier.

My thoughts: Holy shit, this movie was fucking creepy... and I fucking loved it. Of course, I can't recommend it to everyone, as this movie was also ridiculously over-the-top with its violence and gore. I don't want to give anything away, but as an example, there is a scene that involves our killer, Art the Clown, with a saw and a woman's who's upside down that's one of the most shocking things I've seen... and, again, I fucking loved it. It was an unnerving film that's worthy of having been watched for this month.

#28: Pride and Prejudice and Zombies (2016)

The plot: Take Jane Austin's feminist classic Pride and Prejudice and then shoe-horn a half-baked zombie plot into it. Okay...

My thoughts: I'm not familiar with Pride and Prejudice, so I went into this completely blind. But with that being said, I still thought that this was one of the most pointless, unfunny and unexciting parodies I've seen. The action scenes aren't all that good and it makes me wonder why this was adapted to the big screen. And as for the parts that are actually in Pride and Prejudice (at least as far as I can guess), I thought they were competently done, but they're just not for me. I guess someone who really Pride and Prejudice might like it, but that's only if they have a taste for zombie violence, too. Otherwise, skip this one; it's just dull.

#29: Zombeavers (2014)

The plot: A container of radioactive waste falls from a truck and floats down a river to infect a number of beavers that are nearby a cabin where a bunch of horny teenagers are. And those beavers become zombie beavers, or zombeavers.

My thoughts: I thought I was going into a movie that was going to be on the same level of bad as ThanksKilling, but thankfully, while the comedy isn't anything to write home about, the acting is at least competent and I was amused by the events that were going on. It was interesting to see what would happen if a zombeaver infected a human, and there were decent amount of subverting of expectations as to who was going to die first and who would live (and not in a Rian Johnson way either). I could see this movie not working for everyone, but it's fun enough as a creature feature with a supernatural element to it.

#30: Event Horizon (1997)

The plot: In 2047, a spaceship dubbed the Event Horizon mysteriously reappears near the edge of Earth's solar system and a salvage team is sent to investigate what happened. But as they arrive, they find that the ship may be more than just a ship now...

My thoughts: As much as I'd love to see what this movie would have looked like had the filmmakers not toned back on the violence and gore, I was still satisfied by what we got here. Sam Neill delivers a deliciously evil performance once Dr. Weir goes to the dark side that it practically borders on Tim Curry territory, and I thought the movie was a good space horror film that was just original enough to be its own thing and not be a knockoff of, say, Alien. Give it a watch; the violence you do see here ain't that bad.

#31: Halloweed (2016)

The plot: A couple of stoners move to a small town so that one of them can get away from the reputation of being the son of a now-dead serial killer. But what these stoners don't know is that they've arrived just in time for a slew of killings to start as Halloween approaches.

My thoughts: I'm mentally kicking myself for having this be the movie I ended the month of October on. This was one of the lamest comedies I've ever seen in my life; I can't remember laughing at all in this bland turd. And it could hardly qualify as a slasher film since the slasher killings don't start until there's about 49 minutes left in the film, and even then, it's barely focused on for the rest of the movie until it's resolved at the end. Skip this and don't let it be anywhere on your viewing block for next Halloween.

And that's it. Those were all 31 of the films I'd seen for the month of Halloween, one for each day. It was quite a venture, but one worth the time if only for bragging rights if not for entertainment (especially since very few of these movies were any real good). So please leave a comment, let me know if you saw any of these movies, if not for this past Halloween, then if you have seen any of these at all, and if so, let me know if you agree or disagree. Until then, here's to better films next Halloween!

*This post has been paid for and sponsored by Silver Shamrock, Inc. When you want quality masks at affordable prices, and a guarantee that they won't unleash killer insects and snakes that will trigger a potential apocalypse, look no further for a Happy Happy Halloween, Silver Shamrock!

[jeonggoth-remade]

Get to know me tag

Rules: answer these 84 statements about yourself then tag people

Tagged by: @ninewestay

Tagging: @chanscurls @hyajinth @raiinbowlad @daisyjisung

Last

Drink: Code red mountain dew, my dewd

Phone call: Uh, does answering the phone at work count?

Text message: Praising Roo for making sausage gravy lmao

Song you listened to: Move by BTS, I think? It’s what’s stuck in my head, so there’s that.

Time you cried: Mmmmmm, a week ago? Ish?

Ever

Dated someone twice: Lmao, try 4-5 times. It was a mistake every single time.

Kissed someone and regretted it: Nah.

Been cheated on: Oof I don’t think so?

Lost someone special: To death? Nah. Them being out of my life? Probably, idk.

Been depressed: My antidepressants say yes.

Gotten drunk and thrown up: Nah fam, I’m classy.

Favourite colour: Anything pastel, but especially yellow and pink.

In the last year have you:

Made new friends: Whaddup @ the predebut GC

Fallen out of love: YEP and thank god for that.

Laughed until you cried: So many times.

Found out someone was talking about you: YEAH, FUCK YOU PIPER.

Met someone who changed you: Idk I think everyone you meet changes you a little.

Found out who your real friends are: See: two answers ago.

Kissed someone on your facebook friends list: I mean I don’t technically have a facebook anymore but she was still my friend when I deactivated it.

General

How many of your facebook friends do you know in real life: Don’t have a facebook anymore!!! But anyway all but.. One? of them.

Do you have any pets: MR. LOKI MOMMY LOVES YOU!!

Do you want to change your name: Yes bitch.

What did you do for your birthday?: Worked lmfao.

What time did you wake up today: Noon, I think.

What were your doing at midnight last night: Reading.

What is something you can’t wait for: MEETING THE SQUAD (keeping Mer’s answer)

Last time you saw your mother: Now I’m sad because I think it’s been a week or two.

What are you listening to right now: The sound of the fan beside me

Have you ever talked to a tom: I mean.. one of my superiors at work is named Thomas? If that counts?

Something that’s getting on your nerves: Me, bitch.

Most visited website: Tumblr, Youtube, and Ao3

Hair colour: Darkish blonde with orange/brown tips.

Long or short hair: Pretty short ig.

Do you have a crush on someone: Yes bitch and she knows it.

What do you like about yourself: don’t do this to me.

Want any piercings: SO FUCKIN MANY BITCH

Blood type: O- I think.

Nicknames: K, Potassium, Sodium (occasionally), Satan Wrap.

Relationship status: Single

Zodiac: Leo

Pronouns: They/them

Favourite tv shows: Steven Universe or Mythbusters, ig. I haven’t watched either in a while though.

Tattoos: None yet :(

Right or left handed: Right

Ever had surgery: Nah

Piercings: I used to have my eyebrow, septum, and labret pierced. I miss the latter two :/

Sport: ew

Vacation: Take me to the west coast bitch

Trainers: Converse (I wouldn’t have known what this meant if I hadn’t seen Mer’s answer)

Most general

Eating: I eat a six-inch turkey sub at least four times a week, so.

Drink: Sprite, Mountain Dew, apple & orange juice.

I’m about to watch: Uuuuuuuuuuuuh idk probably some Youtube Videos?

Waiting for: Enough money to get a damn car.

Want: Affection and validation

Getting married: I want to? But it’s really not a huge deal if my partner doesn’t want that.

Career: Ideally a marine biologist w/ a focus on whales OR an art restorer

Which is better

Hugs or kisses: I love kisses :/

Lips or eyes: fUCK idk

Shorter or taller: Taller but I’m probably biased. 

Older or younger: I don’t care, to an extent.

Nice arms or stomach: Tummies make me uwu

Hook up or relationship: Relationship pls!

Troublemaker or hesitant: Mmmmm it depends I guess?

Have you ever

Kissed a stranger: Nah

Drank hard liquor: Ig

Lost glasses: So many

Turned someone down: Ye

Sex on the first date: Bitch I’m a virgin.

Had your heart broken: Yeah

Been arrested: I would probably go into cardiac arrest.

Cried when someone died: Yep.

Fallen for a friend: Oh my god ALWAYS

Do you believe in

Miracles: Meh?

Love at first sight: Nope!!! Lust ≠ love and it’s impossible to even guess somebody’s personality by seeing them for the first time, therefore making it impossible to fall in love with anything other than their looks.

Santa Claus: No.

Kiss on a first date: Sure, ig. As long as it’s consensual.

Angels: Nah.

Other

Best friends name: Dana & Chelsey

Eye color: Blue

Favourite movie: Forrest Gump tbh.

Favouite actor/actress: Does Taehyung count? ;)

[midnightiscoming-kasabian]

Kasabian's Tom Meighan Speaks To Clash

About a family Christmas, his Engagement, and their Teenage Cancer Trust show...

19/12/17

Every year for Kasabian just seems to bring more success. The band’s recent album ‘For Crying Out Loud’ was a huge fan favourite, surging up the charts and sparking a lengthy period of international touring.

Playing just about every continent on the planet, frontman Tom Meighan is now looking forward to a good wholesome family Christmas.

“Our touring schedule has been grueling,” he tells Clash. “It's been unbelievable but it's stopped now, so we're home for Christmas.”

‘To be honest with you, we really stepped up a gear,” Tom continues. “It’s on another level. Just playing, the reaction from the crowd and everything. It's never been better to be honest.”

A band with a dogged following, each Kasabian live show feels like an event, creating an energy that transfers from the crowd to the band themselves. “I can't name you one rock band that has the fucking energy and a crowd like that, I can guarantee you,” he insists. “There's not one out there that touches on that.”

“By the end of the gig, I think everyone had goes crazy. They lose their mind. We hypnotise them. Do you understand what I mean? It's weird, but by the end of the show, everyone is just crazy.”

Prolonged periods on the road produce their own rituals, with Kasabian build a pre-show routine to help them relax and find focus. It’s served them well, recently finishing year another mammoth UK bout at London’s epic O2 Arena.

“We say a little prayer,” he reveals. “Have a little hug, have a chat, put some music on. Get into the vibe and on we go. That's literally it, what we do.”

The concentration required by touring means that Kasabian tend to shut away the outside world, forming their own little universe. That said, Tom has had time to check out Slaves – “My favourite band ever!” – and albums by both sides of the Gallagher divide.

“We did the Alan Carr Show with Noel the other day, so that's quite funny,” he explains. “I've seen Liam, wished him well and patted him on the back. I've seen him in Japan, so he's doing his thing and I'm happy for him you know. So, it’s all good.”

That said Tom refuses to name his album of the year. “Um, ours!” he responds, before breaking out into uncontrollable laughter. “There you go, you can't say more than that can you? I'm not going to fucking vote for anyone else.”

“If it wasn't ours then I was going to say Sergeant Peppers’ 50th Anniversary edition. I'm cheating but I don't give a shit - we've rediscovered that album and it's amazing so!”

The highlights of 2017 for the frontman have all been personal – it’s about love, and reconnecting with family. “Personally for me the highlights of this year, if I'd say anything, I'd just say finding love and being happy. Just being happy again and being in love. That's the best thing that's happened to me this year.”

“I've got on with my life, and I'm so happy, so it's amazing. I think the key is finding love and I've found it and it's lovely. That's my highlight of this year. It's been incredible.”

It all sounds positive, Clash exclaims. “Yes, and I've just got engaged so there you go!” he responds. “A lot has happened this year… trust me, man, fucking hell!”

Right now, though, Tom is simply looking forward to a family Christmas. “It's all happening, fucking hell!” he laughs. “We've got turkey, we've got bloody beef. My mum's coming over with a pavlova… It's going to be mayhem. It's going to be mayhem at the Meighan's!”

Not that the gig schedule has slackened, of course. Kasabian recently announced a very special show at London’s Royal Albert Hall, to raise both funds and awareness of the Teenage Cancer Trust. Long time advocates of the charity – Tom previously opened a hospital wing in the trust’s name, for example – they’re eager to continue their support.

“It can be absolutely heartbreaking,” Tom admits, “but if it goes to that cause then of course it opens your eyes a bit.”

“I think we're just going to play the show and actually do most off the new album and some of the old ones. But it's an event as well because it's the Albert Hall and everything that comes with it”.

As for the future, Kasabian want to start work on new material soon. “Serge wants to do another album within a few years,” Tom explains. “We'll go off and do our own stuff and be family men and find some projects probably, I imagine, but in the meantime we're happy where we are.”

“The thing is we've been together twenty years now. Me and Serge and the boys. It's pretty incredible really.”

http://clashmusic.com

[norton-addiction]

THE RISE OF MR JAMES NORTON

Britain’s brightest TV star on breaking into Hollywood and whether he could be the next James Bond

Mr. James Norton is not a man to be underestimated. The first time I noticed the London-born, Yorkshire-raised actor, he was playing an earnest young lover in Death Comes To Pemberley, a cosy whodunnit set in the world of Ms Jane Austen’s Pride And Prejudice. I had him down as a production-line fop, the kind that elite English schools crank out as reliably as the Disney Club cranks out Mouseketeers. He seemed… nice. Agreeable. The sort of teacake your granny would like.

I certainly couldn’t see him pulling off someone such as Tommy Lee Royce in Happy Valley, the most haunting TV psychopath of recent years. Or earning admiring reviews from the Russians for playing their national literary hero, Prince Andrei Bolkonsky, in the all-star BBC adaptation of War & Peace. But in projects as varied as the clerical mystery Grantchester and dystopian drama Black Mirror, Mr Norton has demonstrated that enviable quality – range – and has configured his career to use it to the fullest.

“That’s the joy,” he says. “Most actors would agree that the reason why you go into the job is that there’s a hunger for experience, a general inquisitiveness. When you have a group of actors at a restaurant, everyone will try everything. It’s not just a sensory thing. It’s about wanting to suck up everything that life can offer.”

Life is offering Mr Norton, 32, a lot right now, and it couldn’t happen to a more grateful individual. His conversation is peppered with “I’m so lucky”, “It’s a privilege”, “One of the joys”, etc. His first Hollywood studio production, Flatliners, is about to hit cinemas. It’s a remake of Mr Joel Schumacher’s cult 1990 psycho horror, which starred Mr Keifer Sutherland and Ms Julia Roberts, about a group of medical students experimenting with near-death experiences. In the remake, Mr Norton stars opposite Ms Ellen Page and Mr Diego Luna. And he’s taking the lead as the son of a Russian mobster in McMafia, a BBC/AMC international co-production that stands out in the autumn TV schedules. “One of those situations where everything is in place, and all you need to do as an actor is not fuck it up,” he says.

One of the co-writers is Mr David Farr, who adapted Mr John Le Carré’s The Night Manager for BBC, which was widely seen as Mr Tom Hiddleston’s audition for the role of James Bond. So it will do Mr Norton’s chances of leapfrogging his fellow Cambridge graduate on the shortlist no harm at all. They’re both 8/1 with William Hill. “It’s nice to be in that conversation,” he says. “But I’m certainly not saying no to stuff because I’m holding out for that.”

For now, Mr Norton has asked me to meet him at the National Theatre in London. I assume he’s in rehearsals for some top-secret project (though he does confess an ambition to play Hamlet here one day), but no, he just wants to spare me an off-Tube trip to Peckham in south London, where he lives. He turns up in “vegan trainers”, made by Veja, black Levi’s and an old grey cashmere jumper, with what looks like a duelling wound on his neck but turns out to be a scar from an operation on an old rugby injury. He is profusely apologetic for being approximately five minutes late. And prays leave for another 60 seconds of my patience so he can purchase a croissant.

He’s a Type 1 diabetic and a “little munch” will ensure he doesn’t die during the course of our interview. Mr James Geoffrey Ian Norton grew up in a timeless bit of North Yorkshire and remains a country boy at heart. It is rare that he passes a body of water in which he doesn’t want to take a dip. “I love being outside, swimming in the lido or Shadwell Basin,” he says. “There’s a bridge near where my parents live where you can jump in. It’s so wholesome and English.” His dream is to have a river in his garden, so he can frolic among the trout and herons each morning. His childhood was idyllic but also instructive. Both his parents are academics, both took an equal role in domestic duties and both encouraged reasoned debates around the kitchen table. Young Mr Norton was sent to Ampleforth boarding school (posh, monastic, Catholic) and went on to study theology and philosophy at Fitzwilliam College, Cambridge, before a spell at the Royal Academy of Dramatic Arts. People often assume he’s religious – the dog collar he wears for the 1950s period piece Grantchester doesn’t help – but he says his youthful interest in Christ was more one of “moral intrigue and the love of storytelling. I loved the gospel reading at mass every Sunday. But it became a relationship of intrigue rather than belief. And most of my degree was about Hinduism and Buddhism in any case.”

Still, you can see why he makes such a convincing vicar in Grantchester and why he’d want to break away from that mode. “I remember early on in my career people would say to me things like, ‘You have a very period face.’ I was like, what does that mean? They’d seen me in a couple of period dramas and imagined that would be my career.”

So he was elated when the supremely depressing Happy Valley came along. Ms Sally Wainwright’s critically lauded BBC series (now streaming on Netflix) gave him the chance to play a working-class ex-convict whose soul descends to the very depths of hell. “I will be forever grateful for that role,” he says. “To be given the opportunity to prove myself like that was just great.” He sees each role as a licence to go out and learn. “Not just from an academic point of view, but in an emotional, embodied way. The word we always use is empathy. There’s nothing more powerful than that. I’d never managed to empathise with a serial killer from any article about them, but when you’re actually inhabiting them, you have to learn to love them, however abhorrent they are.”

I guess it’s about getting to know the part of yourself that could kidnap and torture, were circumstances different. “It’s like undergoing a crude form of psychoanalysis on your own,” says Mr Norton, but confesses that it’s also kind of fun. “I’ve been wary talking about this because it could be misconstrued,” he says slowly. “But it was incredibly empowering not to care at all what people think, to go the other way and want people to be afraid of me. For someone like me, who goes around the whole time being very polite, to be allowed to spend some time not giving a fuck what people think was fucking cool.” He smiles bashfully. “I remember walking on set and seeing people’s reactions to me with a skinhead and tattoos. People started to treat me completely differently.”

He’s no method actor. He and his co-star, Ms Sarah Lancashire, tried to keep the mood light between scenes. But still, he found Tommy hard to shake off. “He’s so mistrusting of the world,” he says. “The sadness in that character was that he thought the world was so inherently hostile that the kindest thing he could do for his son was to take him away from this suffering. That’s dark.” He was haunted by “weird, dark dreams, me being horribly abusive”.

McMafia ought to draw on similarly dark currents, albeit in more glamorous circumstances. Mr Norton plays Alex, a “Michael Corleone-type Russian guy”, who ends up being pulled back into the family business (crime, extortion, money laundering) despite his efforts to escape. “His dad was a Mafia boss who was exiled by Putin, but Alex has tried to turn his back on that and set up his life properly, with a fiancée and a good job.” Mr Norton is particularly excited about this one. Mr Farr’s co-writer is Mr Hossein Amini, who created Mr Ryan Gosling’s tour de force Drive, and it’s inspired by investigative journalist Mr Misha Glenny’s book. The cast includes highly respected Russian actor Mr Aleksey Serebryakov (from Leviathan) plus a host of stars from Israel, Mexico, Brazil and Turkey. “It was such an interesting set,” says Mr Norton. “I don’t think there can have been many casts like it. And with what’s going on with Trump, Russia, the Panama Papers, all that, basically our show lifts up the curtain and shows what state-level corruption looks like. The Mafia isn’t a family with a protection racket in a city. It’s a multi-national globalised corporation where all the parts are linked. You always want to be chasing the zeitgeist. With this, for the first time in my life, I felt the zeitgeist was chasing us.”

On Flatliners, he seems a little more tentative, perhaps wary of incurring the wrath of fans of the original movie. “Everyone remembers it very fondly,” he says. But it was the first time he’d been let loose in a big studio. “The money, the toys, the stunts – Ellen and Diego had done all that before, but I was like this token Brit, running around having lots of fun.”

As for the other sides of success, he’s readjusting. Last we heard, Mr Norton was in a relationship with Ms Jessie Buckley, the English actress who played his sister in War & Peace, but when I ask about his love life he makes a complicated face and asks if we can avoid this particular subject. “Having this dream job, it compromises family, friends, relationship, because you’re always away,” he says. “I have 12 cousins and we’re all very close, but there have been a few family occasions where I’m the only one who isn’t there. And your relationships do take hits.”

He’s politically engaged, too – “As I think we all are right now” – but isn’t sure if and when to use his celebrity to promote his causes. “I must be the most boring person to follow on Twitter,” he says. He essayed a few politically themed tweets recently, but found the response a bit dismaying. “I tweeted a photo from an anti-Brexit march a few months ago, and said, ‘Let’s get behind a second referendum, there is hope!’ and I’ve never received so much hate and vitriol. And I thought, what’s the point? Well, there is a point, but maybe that’s not the right way to make it. Maybe it’s better to start a conversation, to listen rather than to shout.”

That doesn’t seem a bad idea. He’s itching to get behind the camera, he says. He has stories he’d like to tell. “I don’t want to be sanctimonious, but I’m interested in using my voice as an artist to…” He trails off – that English habit of not quite finishing his sentences – before remarking how much he admired Mr Ken Loach’s I, Daniel Blake, a devastating indictment of the British welfare system. But it seems his own thoughts are more to do with young men and their place in the world. He’s been reading Narcissus And Goldmund by Mr Hermann Hesse, which is about two monks taking divergent paths through the world – one as an artist, one as a thinker – at the time of the Black Death. It seems to have struck a chord.

“There’s a lot of confusion now about men’s place in the world,” says Mr Norton. “There needs to be a conversation. I’m putting together a script about how a young man deals with that confusion. We’re being pulled in different directions. I think for women, the feminist movement is a lot clearer. And we do need to redress pay inequality and, of course, men are implicated in that. But we also need to recalibrate our own position. Men whose identity is to do with being a protector and provider and full of testosterone are finding it harder.”

When it comes to redressing the gender imbalance, however, he seems more than happy to take one for the team. He is a reliable source of “phwoar”-style headlines in newspapers. “Female actors have been putting up with this tenfold for ever,” he says. “So I don’t feel male actors have a particular right to cry out about this. I don’t feel objectified, put it that way.”