#Everything I do is “I'll fix it later�� and “trust the process”

[staticcolour]

Step by step for last commission I was going through it with this one, but you don't see it because these are just different layers enabled and you can't see me backtracking like 10 times

[casual-praxis]

“Probably no harmful side effects to this at all.”

Here’s Vio’s Slime Rancher AU design! I wasn’t entirely sure what I was working with when I went into this, but I think it turned out alright-ish in the end. ^~^’

He was supposed to have more of a scientist vibe, but I didn’t want to take too much inspiration from Viktor, so this is the route I went instead. He’s a little unhinged, but he’s keeping it together. Mostly.

More details about Vio's role in the AU below the cut if anyone is interested!

I touched on a few details already back in this post, but I've had a few more concepts in mind since then, so I'll go ahead and list them now so I don't forget later.

+ Vio was the first to arrive at the shared ranch and spent about a year alone before Shadow arrived. In that time, he explored a majority of the map on his own, save for the ruins and desert. He was actually in the process of figuring out how to get into the ruins when Shadow arrived, which sidetracked him a bit.

+ Due to being one of the first inhabitants of the Far, Far Range, Vio didn't have a lot of information to work off of with the Slimepedia, so he made his own guide for navigating the wilderness. Needing to discover more slimes was the main thing tripping him up with the ruin's Slime Gate.

+ Vio is the only one in the group to have a tongue piercing. It takes varying lengths of time for everyone to discover that fact though. Shadow noticed it the quickest.

+ Because of prolonged exposure to Quantum Slimes (one of which he may or may not have eaten, for science purposes), Vio's physical form occasionally glitches and/or becomes more transparent. Luckily, he doesn't seem to create "ghosts," but if left unchecked he does start to hear things in other realities.

These glitches aren't very frequent, and can be fixed by either inflicting pain or splashing water on him. He opts to inflict pain rather than get wet constantly, it's what his bracelet is secretly for.

+ As a side effect of his reality-warped perception, talking to Vio when he's less physically stable can net some interesting results. Mostly just jumbled or gibberish sentences and the occasional mixed topics. Something akin to, "the slime even the yet carrot gold, no, what?"

+ For at least a year and a half, Vio used his vacpack in his non-dominant hand simply because it wasn't designed for left-handed people. He wanted to wait for someone else to show up before attempting to tinker with it, just in case he broke it beyond repair.

Upon realizing Shadow, and later on, Red, were also both left-handed, he figured this might be an oversight to report to 7Zee after all.

+ Whenever someone has a question about the Slimepedia specifically, they go to Vio. He knows way too much about everything, to the point where he's actually a little burnt out on the whole exploring thing. He still runs experiments, but he's almost done with all he can think of doing out there.

+ At some point, Vio was able to talk with an alternate version of himself. Though the content of that conversation is unknown, he did become noticably warmer towards the others afterwards. The idea of becoming like that alternate self is haunting.

(Hint: alt-Vio found new test subjects to play with.)

+ His soft spot for Red and Shadow is more obvious, but he has his tells with Green and Blue as well.

He rather likes having objectives to focus on, and Green trusts him to handle the more difficult tasks, so he won't complain if Green bosses him around a little. But only a little.

With Blue, it's more subtle. He doesn't fight as hard as he used to over his lack of self-care. If Blue shows up at his lab demanding he take a break and eat food/nap/etc, he only pushes back a little before giving in. Otherwise Blue might try to manhandle him, and that's just embarrassing.

+ The little pouch on his leg is for medical supplies. Namely bandages, just in case his bracelet punctures skin and draws blood.

Bonus: Close-up details of Vio's eyes because the glitch effect there is almost always occurring, unlike his full-body one.

(The way I draw this will probably change in the future if I continue on with this AU, but it looks okay enough for now.)

[askprotoroll]

What is the “Roll Z” outfit about?

Oh-ho-ho! I have been waiting for someone to ask about that.

See, about a month ago, a friend of mine showed me this video by man on the internet.

Listening to it, I couldn't help but picture Roll in place of Zero, and thus, I drew up this:

Now, I don't have a solid nor canon X timeline just yet because there's several ways it could go.

Please also keep in mind that I have never played the X games, so if I get anything wrong, I'm sorry!

All the timeline ideas start at the end of the golden age of robotics. Robot masters have been made illegal because of all of Wily's attacks, and so they're ordered by the government to (unfortunately) be deactivated. Including the light children. Light and Wily both end up going into hiding.

Roll, of course, did not agree with this and ran. But, she somehow gets damaged in the process. (The scenario I imagine the most is a building collapsing on top of her.)

This is where the timeline splits.

Timeline idea one:

The first idea I had has Wily finding Roll after she's damaged and decides to use her to get the final one up on Light.

He upgrades her to be the Z look, and much like with Zero, he implants the maverick virus into the gem on her helmet and seals her away, making her an unwitting pawn in his final plan.

Wily did not do anything to make her loyal to him because he knew it wouldn't work. He also knows the virus will likely not affect her either because of her sentience. (which is probably dumb in hindsight because she was affected by roboenza. Maybe the cure made her immune? Idk)

Light, in the meantime, is working on creating X (the timeline also splits here, but I'll get to that later) and passes away while X is in containment doing the final checks, as per the normal x timeline.

Now... Whether or not X is found before Roll is up for debate (as i said, i never played the X games), all I know is Dr Cain still finds X, and Sigma finds Roll.

Roll is initially hesitant to trust Sigma, even fighting him at first, but she is convinced to stop, and she does end up joining and becoming one of the top maverick hunters.

That'd be where Roll meets X...

The timeline will most likely go on like the games from there.

Timeline idea two:

Much like timeline one, Wily finds and upgrades Roll. But unlike timeline one, Wily has a change of heart, not wanting his legacy to only be destructive.

In this timeline, Zero DOES exist, but he is unfinished, and the maverick virus is in him instead of Roll.

Everything else is like timeline one, except Roll may end up finding Zero at some point.

Dunno what she'd do. Maybe if she had a dream sequence like Zero did in one of the games of Wily telling her to "fix his mistakes," she'd destroy him or something.

Timeline Idea three:

This timeline can be a variation of one or two interchangeably because the change here is involving Light, and is actually somewhat based on an AU my friend has.

In this timeline, Light ends up taking Rock with him into hiding and upgrades him instead of building X.

Everything else carries on like timelines one or two up until "Rock X" ends up meeting "Roll Z"...

After that, everything would carry on the same.

Timeline idea four:

This last idea is something I got from this video of a protoman rom hack for Mega Man X 1

This time, instead of Wily finding Roll, It's light who finds her and upgrades her, which would include fixing her core because ley me just sat this now,

Because Dr Light is the one who made Roll's experimental core, only HE can fix it since he's the only one who knows how it works. That doesn't mean it can't be maintained by others, though.

This means that in the other timelines, Roll likely still has that issue with her core.

This also means that Zero exists, too, but this time is fully completed. Although honestly, I imagine that Zero is built to be a girl in these timelines because I read somewhere that Zero was based on Protoman, and since he'd technically be based on Roll in this timeline...

I'm not sure what the dynamic between Roll and Zero would be to be perfectly honest. Neither of them would know about Zero being built by wily unless Zero tells Roll about that dream sequence.

Then again, he apparently asked light about it, and Light claimed he didn't know so... that's up in the air I guess.

There are several more possibilities I haven't covered here, like if Blues was taken to be upgraded by Light or if Roll wasn't found by anyone. But the four I talked about are the ones I think about most.

As I said, I don't know which one is the "canon" timeline for the AU. Buuut I think I should mention this-

When the robot masters are deactivated, I personally think that they were all preserved in a museum somewhere. It'd be such a shame otherwise. Plus, it means that, one day, Roll would be able to see Rock and Blues in some form.

Despite the rough patches in their history, Roll loves her brothers and would very much miss them.

I'll probably end up drawing more of Proto!Roll Z eventually.

For now, enjoy this little bit of dialogue I imagine being shared between X and Roll

X: "So, you were the first of the Robot masters?"

Roll: "I was the prototype, yes."

X: "You were made by Dr Light too?"

Roll: "Mhmm.."

X: "That would make you my sister, right?"

Roll: "...huh. yeah, I guess it would."

- Melody

[therealvinelle]

How do you go about editing your fics. when you do self-edit. I am having a hard time grasping what I want to keep and what I want to change so it flows better

(Looking through this after having written it, I realize it's awful advice. However, true to form I must publish the first draft as it's the honest draft, I have nothing reasonable to offer you. Godspeed, anon, I wish I could be of more help.)

I sadly have no sophisticated method for this. I can't relate to people who say "ah, the first draft is where you write pure garbage, just get everything down, and then the editing is when you make it into writing!"

Whatever works for people, I suppose, but it is my suspicion that this advice is mostly there to get people insecure about their writing, who don't like what comes out when they put their fingers to the keyboard, to try anyway because there's the promise of the elusive editing process that'll fix it.

In other words, I publish my first drafts and any editing done is either a quick read through before I post or more typically yet, I read through after publishing and have an "ah fuck, I hope too many people didn't notice that" moment then hurry up and edit or, if it's major, leave as is and carry on. It's worked for me, though I'll say that as of mine and @theoriginalcarnivorousmuffin's secret fic I'm realizing that prewriting actually is brilliant because it means when I find these flaws I can easily go back, even if it's twenty chapters back, and fix the thing.

(Flaws here being anything from grammar, to bad sentences, to storytelling decisions I later regret.)

Is it probably a terrible way to do this, yes. However, most of the time, as I write I put to the page what I want to be there and if I'm having doubts I'll ask Muffin for a second opinion. That renders the editing process largely redundant.

The only actual advice I can give you is this, when reading through your work change everything you don't like. And if you can't put your finger on what it is you don't like, get someone whose judgement you trust to have a look and let them be mean to you.

[rabbitindisguise]

hi! 🔥📚 for the fic writer ask meme?

Oh hey! Ty for the ask :D

📚: What are some of the favorite things you've learned while doing research?

I think the stuff I learned about barrel making is my favorite, but tbh I'm not a huge researcher? I find it just procrastinates the process (like picking fonts/names/etc). Sometimes I'll do it if it's important to the character, but otherwise it doesn't really compel me these days. I think of it as a problem to fix in edits. Then again I read something that included lots of epic world building I really liked, so maybe I should do it more . . .

🔥: What's a piece of writing advice you consider bad advice?

Oh man. I think show don't tell is the big one ^^'

Before I'm pelted with tomatoes, I think there's a couple reasons why this fails people:

It depends on the narrator, which can be a character that would more naturally talk about things in a specific way that showing hinders. I think writing advice should never get in the way of what sounds correct. If it works it works and if it doesn't it doesn't.

It leaves little room for contradictions between objective facts+character bias+character interpretation+narrator interpretation and bias+characterization/"localization"+multiple cultural interpretation+memory issues+lying. If a character says one thing, the reader observes another, and later there's a key piece of backstory that gives greater context for why the character made the wrong assumption, and on top of that there's multiple ways a statement can be interpreted in a fictional culture. . . telling is extremely important. Without it it's incredibly hard to pull off that arc in a single paragraph (which can be done).

It's helpful for like, first graders, who still say things like "sue cried a lot. She was sad." but for most people who are reading writing advice columns it's more confusing than not. It's more helpful to say what you specifically mean by show don't tell. Do you mean include more examples of world building like having lots of swords in every living room depicted rather than having the reader trust you when you say it's a war obsessed culture? Do you mean that characters often don't notice specific emotions in themselves and that physical signals are more appropriate? Do you mean that saying characters are friends is more flat than describing interactions that are friendly? Then saying that is more helpful. That way the writer can decide to exclude the swords because it's lies, contradict stated emotions with physical signals, make it flat to show an uneasy relationship between characters, etc etc.

It's sort of seen as this silver bullet of writing, when what people need to work on sometimes is totally unrelated. Like: consistency? World building? Character development? Strong side characters? These are all really important things that can't just include showing instead of telling. Sometimes having a bigger vocabulary, more examples of archetypes, deeper understandings of story structure, etc are the things that help. Emphasis on more examples. Mostly I think people need to read more, and break down texts with a highlighter to see what they like or don't like about it.

And this is why I don't usually say show don't tell u_u too much room for interpretation and doesn't fix everything by itself. I am someone who focuses on detailed characterization and creating unique voices though so maybe it's simply too redundant to think about though so your milage may vary with that one

[dc-and-arfrona]

Sparrow

Jason Todd x GN!Reader

Type: Fluff/Angst

Word Count: 700+

Masterlist

Based of this request: Hi, could you write a request where the reader is also a sidekick of Batman, her alias is Sparrow, and she became one a few years before Jason became Robin, so in the story, she's introduced to Jason and they get along well. When Jason dies a few years later, she grieves heavily, since they had begun dating a few years after knowing each other, and they had a close bond. When the Red Hood appears, she's curious about who it could be, and one night, she finds out it's Jason when he calls her by a nickname only Jason would (Thinker, since he thinks she's one of the smartest people he knows). Since the reader missed him, she tries to convince him to come back with her. Small details about the reader: she's a very nice person, and rarely loses her temper. She tends to be optimistic and is gentle, however she's also a very intelligent person and not naive.

--------

You are the Sparrow, one of Batman's trusted sidekicks. You've been patrolling the streets of Gotham for a few years before Jason Todd became Robin, and you both got along well from the start. A few years after that, you started dating and had a close bond. However, everything changed when the Joker killed Jason. You grieved heavily, and it took you a long time to process the loss.

Years later, you're still fighting crime in Gotham, but something strange is happening on the streets. A new vigilante called the Red Hood has appeared, and they're not afraid to take down the criminals in a brutal way. You're determined to find out who this person is, and one night, you finally get a clue.

You're chasing down a group of thugs when you hear a voice behind you. "Hey, Thinker, need any help?" Only one person has ever called you that, and your heart skips a beat. You turn around, and there they are, alive and well. Jason Todd, your former partner and lover, now wearing the Red Hood outfit.

At first, you're confused and angry. How could they come back after all these years without telling anyone, especially Bruce? But as they tell you their story, you start to understand. Jason had been brought back to life by the Lazarus Pit, and they didn't want Batman to know because they were afraid of what he would say. They also made a promise to themselves that they would never put on the Robin costume again.

You still miss Jason, and you can sense that they miss you too. You're both hesitant at first, but you start to talk and catch up. You tell them how much you've missed them and how much they meant to you. They tell you that they still care for you deeply, and that they're sorry for leaving without saying goodbye.

You try to convince them to come back to the Batcave with you, but they refuse. "I can't go back there, not after what happened," they say, their voice full of pain. You understand how they feel, but you can't just let them walk away again.

"Please, Jason. We can help you. You don't have to do this alone," you plead. They look at you, and for a moment, you see a glimmer of hope in their eyes.

"Okay," they say finally. "I'll come with you."

You're relieved, but you know it's not going to be easy. Jason has a lot of healing to do, and they're still angry at Batman for not saving them. But you're determined to help them, no matter what it takes. After all, that's what sidekicks do.

Together, you and Jason make your way back to the Batcave, stepping into the shadows of the familiar underground sanctuary. As you enter, you can't help but notice the somber atmosphere that hangs in the air. Batman stands before you, his stern gaze fixed upon Jason.

"Jason, you're back," Batman says, their voice a mixture of relief and concern. "I've been looking for you."

Jason takes a deep breath, their eyes meeting Batman's. "I'm sorry, Bruce. I should've told you, but I was afraid. Afraid of what you'd say, of how you'd react."

Batman's stern expression softens slightly, and they take a step closer to Jason. "We'll talk later, Jason. Right now, I'm just glad you're safe."

You watch the exchange between the two, a flicker of hope kindling in your heart. Maybe, just maybe, this could be the first step towards healing the wounds that have haunted both Jason and Batman for far too long.

As the days pass, you, Jason, and Batman work together, slowly mending the broken bonds and rebuilding trust. It's not easy, and there are still moments of tension and unresolved issues, but you're determined to help Jason find their way back to the light.

In the process, you discover new allies in the fight against crime. The Sparrow and the Red Hood become a formidable duo, their skills complementing each other as they bring justice to the streets of Gotham. Together, you offer a balance of compassion and tenacity, reminding each other of the importance of staying true to yourselves.

And though the scars of the past may never fully fade, you find solace in the fact that you're no longer alone. With the strength of your bond and the unwavering support of your allies, you face the challenges ahead, ready to rewrite the story of the Red Hood and the Sparrow.

You and Jason walk through the dimly lit streets of Gotham, the weight of the past still lingering in the air. Memories flood your mind, both joyful and painful, as you navigate the path ahead.

"Jason, I never thought I'd see you again," you say softly, breaking the silence. "The pain of losing you was unbearable."

He glances at you, his eyes reflecting a mix of regret and longing. "I never wanted to leave you, Sparrow. But I was broken, consumed by anger and grief. I didn't know how to face anyone, not even myself."

Tears well up in your eyes as you recall the days spent mourning his loss. "I wish you could have trusted me, Jason. We could have faced the darkness together."

He takes your hand in his, his touch warm and comforting. "I'm sorry, Sparrow. I was drowning in my own pain, and I didn't want to burden you with it. But I never stopped thinking about you, about what we had."

You squeeze his hand, offering forgiveness and understanding. "We can't change the past, Jason. But we can shape our future. Let's find a way to heal together, to bring light back into our lives."

He nods, a glimmer of hope rekindling in his eyes. "I want that, Sparrow. I want to find my purpose again, to make a difference without losing myself in the darkness."

As you continue walking, the sound of sirens wails in the distance, a constant reminder of the crime that plagues Gotham. You turn to Jason, determination in your voice. "The Red Hood's methods may be brutal, but underneath it all, I know there's still the compassionate person I fell in love with. We can bring that side back to the surface."

Jason's gaze meets yours, his features softening with gratitude. "Thank you, Sparrow. Thank you for not giving up on me."

Together, you embark on a mission to uncover the truth behind the Red Hood's recent actions. Hours of detective work lead you to a hidden warehouse, where you confront a group of criminals who are under the Red Hood's watchful eye.

As you engage in combat, each move calculated and precise, you catch glimpses of Jason's skills as the Red Hood. The familiarity in his fighting style is undeniable, and it fills you with a mix of awe and worry.

After subduing the criminals, you turn to Jason, catching your breath. "You're still an incredible fighter, Jason. But remember, the ends don't always justify the means. We can make a difference without resorting to excessive violence."

He looks at you, a mixture of gratitude and uncertainty in his eyes. "I'm trying, Sparrow. It's not easy, but I'm willing to learn. To find a better way."

A sense of hope blossoms within you as you realize that Jason is genuinely open to change. Together, you begin training sessions, honing his skills and helping him rediscover his purpose as a force for good in Gotham.

Days turn into weeks, and weeks into months. The bond between you and Jason grows stronger with each passing day. Slowly but surely, the Red Hood's methods start to shift, reflecting a newfound understanding of the importance of mercy and redemption.

One night, as you stand atop a Gotham rooftop, the moon casting its gentle glow upon you, Jason turns to you with a soft smile. "Thank you, Sparrow. Thank you for believing in me and helping me find my way back."

You smile back, your heart filled with joy. "Thank you for letting me be a part of your journey, Jason. Together, we can rewrite our story and create a brighter future."

With renewed purpose and a shared commitment to justice, you and Jason, the Red Hood and the Sparrow, stand as beacons of hope in the dark and unforgiving city of Gotham. United by love and a common goal, you stride forward, ready to face whatever challenges lie ahead, knowing that you'll always have each other's backs.

The night stretches on, filled with the promise of a new dawn. And with every step you take, the legacy of the Sparrow and the Red Hood is rewritten, turning pain into strength and love into an unbreakable bond.

[harveybwabbit92]

{While Audrey is talking with Henry in the Keeper's prison, Valley is lured away by the faint strums of a banjo. She follows the sound to another cell: Subject 418... Valley pulls the lever and the cell's shutter lifts up, behind the glass she's greeted by a faceless ink person; his back facing away from her just strumming away at his banjo... Even without a face Valley knew deep in her gut who this person was.]

Valley, Knocking on the glass: Hey...Excuse me, a-are ...Are you M-Mr. Lawrence?

Sammy: I have nothing to say to a heretical wench... Go away.

Valley: Um, well I sort of can't, this gonna sound weird..

Sammy: I Said. Go. Away!

Valley, under her breath: So that's where I get my stubbornness from...

{The detective sighs trying to figure out how to get Sammy to talk to her, when it hit her a few seconds later Valley was humming a song...A love song that Sammy had wrote for her grandmother Rosalynne, The banjo stops as Sammy tenses up.]

Sammy: That...Song, I know that song I-

Valley, cutting him off: You wrote it.

Sammy, now standing and fully facing the girl: I didn't write it for you...

Valley: I know. *holds a picture up to Sammy* You wrote it for her.

[Sammy went to grab the picture but the glass prevented him from doing so.]

Sammy: Rosie? Why do you have her...

[Sammy pauses finally looking between the girl and Rosalynne's photo and noticed the uncanny likeness between the two]

Valley: Ah, there's the light bulbs going off... It's scary, eh? Everyone always says I look like my granny when she was young...

Sammy, processing everything: Your granny?...Rosie, my Rosie she's- *Valley nods* ...who?

Valley: Who was my grandfather? Well, who else Sammy?

Sammy: But, but..She..s-She never said-

Valley: You disappeared before she could tell you, had to raise my mom all alone.

Sammy, sits down burying his head in hands:

Valley: I know it's a lot to take in...

Sammy:

Valley:

{Someone clears their throat and Valley sees Audrey waiting on the second floor.]

Valley:...If you want me to go away now I'll just-

Sammy: Wait...Tell me your name.

Valley: It's ...Carol, but I prefer to be called by my middle name Valley.

Sammy: Valley...

{Audrey yells at her to hurry up, Valley sighs and backs away from the cell and calls out to Audrey]

Valley: Miss Drew, what our deal was again?

Audrey:..Are you serious right now?

Valley, as her tattoos start glowing: 'Fraid not friend, the deal was to get you to the Gent building. I never said anything about meetin' Wilson. I trusted that bastard once, look where it got me...

Audrey: But maybe he can fix it maybe he can-

Valley: There is no maybe, Audrey. This is where we part ways...

[Valley draws a hole into the floor and jumps into it, the hole disappears a few seconds later leaving an upset Audrey and baffled Sammy behind.]

[what-if-queen-camilla]

Chapter 42

That was a tough one to write. I hope you'll like it... and do take part in the poll! :-)

06th September 1997

Of course, Thea had agreed to go to the funeral with her aunt and cousins and so Camilla had taken her to London the next day, where they'd stay at her parents' Kensington flat until after the funeral was over, to get an appropriate outfit for Thea's first big public appearance. It still made Camilla feel uncomfortable that, out of all possible occasions, it had to be Diana's funeral and that she couldn't be by her side, but she trusted that her sweet little angel was going to do brilliantly. Still, it'd have been much nicer and easier if they'd just taken her to Royal Ascot or the Sandringham Flower Show next summer… So they went to Harrods and picked an elegant, yet unobtrusive, knee-length black dress with a matching coat for her. As a headpiece, they’d chosen an equally elegant yet unobtrusive, simple black headband as Camilla considered her a bit too young and her position too controversial to raise more attention towards herself than necessary by wearing something "fancy", she was well aware that all eyes would be on her and that, whatever she was wearing, people would undoubtedly scrutinise every step she'd take so Thea's outfit had to be perfect. She had also instructed her to always stay behind her cousins and next to Sarah, and always do everything Sarah did in exactly the same way in order to stay as inconspicuous as possible, only speak when somebody directly asked her something and always keep her eyes lowered, fixed on the ground, and somehow it had broken her heart that she had to say this. Nobody wanted to be invisible and usually she always tried to encourage her little girl and boost her confidence but this was different. At least a spokesman for Charles and his sons had issued a statement explaining that, at the express request of Their Royal Highnesses Princes William and Harry, their half-sister Miss Theodora Parker Bowles would attend the funeral of the late Diana, Princess of Wales. Of course, as expected, it had caused controversy but Camilla had been glad that at least the public had been "warned" that way; she didn't even want to imagine what a bombshell it'd have been, had they only got to know at the very moment. 

Sarah came over to pick up Thea early in the morning. She’d take her to Buckingham Palace, where apparently the whole family would be gathering together before the procession to Westminster Abbey would begin. That was going to be the hardest part for them all and the part Camilla was most afraid of. Her poor little darling had to stand outside Buckingham Palace, surrounded by the whole Windsor Clan, once Diana's coffin, followed by Charles, William, Harry and also the Duke of Edinburgh, would proceed past. The mere imagination of that scenario gave her goosebumps and the thought of her daughter having to go through this all by herself, without her by her side, while the entire planet was watching had caused her a complete sleepless night. Hopefully it wouldn't be too traumatising for Thea, hopefully the others would be kind, hopefully Charles and the boys would be okay… 

Before Sarah and Thea left, Camilla hugged her tightly and kissed her so affectionately that it almost scared Thea. "Mum, please. It's only for a few hours.", she said, probably not aware of the real meaning of it all, which was probably even best. "Yes, darling. I'll be thinking of you all day and when you come back later, we'll have a cosy evening, just the two of us." Camilla promised, pressing one last kiss on her daughter's cheek, and eventually waved them goodbye. 

She watched them getting into the car out of the kitchen window and burst into tears as the black Audi took off. She was so worried, and it killed her that there was nothing she could do to help. How on earth was she supposed to get through this awful day? Before she could have thought about it any further, the doorbell rang and she quickly dried her tears before rushing to the entrance hall and welcoming… “Andrew?" She hadn't been expecting anybody in particular but out of everybody she knew, her ex-husband was the last one she'd expected to show up. "I thought you might like to have a bit of company today…", he said, looking almost as worried as she herself. Though Thea was not his biological child, he had never stopped caring for and loving her like a father should. She still adored him and still went over for weekends every now and then. He still was, and would always be, her daddy as well and somehow, Camilla was pleased to see him and very touched by his thoughtful reaction. "Thank you, Andy.", she said, greeting him with a kiss on the cheek, motioning for him to follow her inside.

Buckingham Palace 

Despite the sad nature of the occasion and her undeniable nervousness and fear, little Theodora was quite impressed when she entered Buckingham Palace together with the Duchess of York. She had never been here before and it was magnificent. She'd very much have liked to enjoy a look around but somehow felt that it wasn't the day for it; Mummy had told her a thousand times that she absolutely had to follow Sarah's instructions, only speak when she was directly asked and keep her eyes lowered down on the floor. The Queen and members of the family had gathered in one of the reception rooms on the ground floor and while Thea was relieved that she didn't spot the Duke of Edinburgh anywhere, she was still looking out for her father and brothers. "They're not here, little one.", Sarah explained. "They will join the procession from the West Wing* and are already waiting there. We'll go outside any minute as well and watch them from the front gates. We have to send them all our love and support, will you do that?", Sarah asked and Thea nodded, when suddenly, much to her relief, Beatrice and Eugenie came over to say hello to their mother and cousin which made her feel less alone. She had also spotted The Queen and Princess Anne in a corner of the room but they didn't seem to have noticed her, and to her disappointment, Great-Granny was nowhere to be seen either. "She will only be at the service.", Sarah explained, and suddenly a bit of a rush occurred and Sarah reached out for her and Eugenie's hand, motioning for Beatrice to walk with Thea as well. "Come on, girls. Off we go.", she said and the four of them followed The Queen and the others through some corridors and eventually outside of the Palace.

"Dear God, look at the crowds!", Camilla sighed as the camera showed an especially impressive view of the thousands of people who had gathered around Buckingham Palace and The Mall to say their last farewell to their beloved Princess. "It's crazy.", Andrew replied. "It's busier than in 1981." He had to know. He'd been there, taking part in the procession at Charles and Diana's wedding. The camera moved to the front gate and the commentator described the scenes: “The Queen, Princess Margaret and other members of the Royal Family… standing outside Buckingham Palace…”, followed by a dramatic zoom out, featuring all of them in one picture. “There she is!”, Andrew exclaimed as they spotted their little girl, right behind her cousins Beatrice and Eugenie, just as Camilla had instructed her over and over again. It broke her heart to see her poor little darling standing there all on her own, but at the same time filled her with immense pride. Of course, she was only ten, but she already looked so beautiful and dignified and was doing so well. The camera moved over to the procession that had meanwhile reached the West Wing of Buckingham Palace, and eventually captured Charles, William, Harry, the Duke of Edinburgh and Earl Spencer, who were all going to join in and walk behind the coffin in a minute. Camilla couldn’t hold back her tears any longer as she saw her love’s and his son’s pain in their eyes… What an awfully hard and sad journey it had to be, and how much she wishes she could be there with them, be there for them. Andrew gently took her hand and wrapped his arm around her shoulder. “She’ll be fine, Milla.”, he said, and just like that, the camera once again, moved over to the royal party gathering at the front gate, just in time for them to witness a rather heartwarming scene between Thea and her Uncle Edward, who was obviously whispering something to her, following which she hesitantly made her way to the front row, right between her two cousins. Before Camilla had the chance to worry any further, the procession reached the main entrance of Buckingham Palace and both mourning sons, William and Harry, turned their heads towards their family and Camilla felt like her heart stopped beating as she, along with the majority of the world’s population, watched Thea blowing a loving kiss to her heartbroken brothers… 

*in reality, they only joined the procession from St James's Palace but I really wanted to have this special sibling moment.

[insidekaz]

And Thus, Everything Is Tumbling Down

(I know that's a weird way to start another one of my strange post. It'll be explained later. Prepare for a pretty lengthy blog today.)

Hello people of the internet. It's me, Kaz, your local enby who messed up so hard that they put themselves on the couch, only for my partner to come and get me and bring me to bed. Before you say anything, I know that that's also a strange way to start off a post that basically going to turn into a public self-shaming post, but try to trust me when I say that all of this will be explained in the next few minutes (well, hours for me. I don't exactly plan on sitting down and typing all of this out in one sitting.)

I'll start off by saying that I've been stressed lately. No job, places saying that they're hiring but not calling me back, the cost of living being diabolically bonkers, all of that. Doesn't help that while I'm at home applying for jobs and doing side hustles, my partner is pulling extra hours at its job to make sure that we don't drown in this capitalistic economy.

That's not the reason why I feel like everything's falling faster than a tower of Jenga blocks. The reason is because of one major flaw with my personal psychological programming and how I go about trying (and failing) to fix it. Man, this post sure is colorful today. Anyway, I have this...thing in my head that annoys me if there's information that's made apparent that I don't know or the possibility of an event that can happen. For example, if someone were to tell me "Hey, I'm planning a surprise for you.", it'll start to bother me to no end until I gather all the information needed figure out what that surprise could be, thus spoiling the surprise for myself in the process. Or, and this is the more relevant example, if there's something that I'm made aware could result in something bad happen, I, for some fucking reason, act upon my impulses and try to get that bad thing to happen. Usually, I'm stopped before said bad thing could happen and that usually calms me down for the time being.

Yes, it's just as infuriating as you're thinking it is, both of me and everyone around me. Yes, I have tried to control this impulses in the past. And yes, I have continuously failed to keep these impulses under control.

This time, this was different. I'm not going to go into exact detail of what happened, but I will alluded to the idea that I almost invoked a pretty bad situation that almost ended in property damage. Of course, as always, the chaos was halted. Yet, that doesn't make the situation magically better. I know, shocker. Above all of that, it was my significant other that had to calm everything down. I'm not gonna lie or try to justifying what most people would think and say "Oh, it was the autism making me do those things." That would be disrespectful to other people with autism and just blatant dishonesty. I will admit and say that those were conscious actions that I made of my own accord, me allowing and enabling the impulsive thoughts to (somewhat) win. This was a situation that didn't need to happen between the two of us, and now things are more than rocky.

Oh, and then get this! Yesterday afternoon, after being on no-talking terms for about a full day (Thursday night to Friday evening), we actually get to talk about what happen. Well, it was less both of us talking and it was more my partner talking and pointing out my bullshit and me just, well, taking it. I mean, I couldn't really refute anything that was being said to me. This wasn't the first time that I allowed my impulse to get the better of me, nor could I really apologize again cause, while it would be meaningful, I couldn't guarantee that this wouldn't happen again. I'm a person of chaos, advocate for the viewership of each and every possible outcome that can happen on a quantum scale, leaning more towards the good ones, yet the bad ones always pique my curiosity. So, with no other options in which I believed I could contribute to the conversation, you wanna take a shot in the dark as to what my next actions were?

I ran away. I'm not even kidding. Imagine the most brisk walk from a living room to an office on the other side of the apartment that you can, all while keeping my head down to avoid any further eye contact. ...Yeah. I did that. Willingly if I may add.

I know, 10/10. Amazing strategy there Kaz. Encore, please. But seriously, I don't know what the fuck I was thinking at the time and I still don't know now. My usual avoidance of conflict has basically turned into a fear of conflict at this point in my life. I mean, seriously, what was I thinking? Nothing's gonna get better by me hiding in my office. Even when I was done for the night and put myself on the couch, my partner realized I wasn't in bed and came to get me. I could've talked about it then. Hell, I could've said something, anything. Yet, I didn't. I just rolled over and went to bed, allowing the silence to go on ever longer. Again, what does that say about us? What does that say about me? Usually at this point in the relationship, one would be asking themselves whether they're becoming a burden to their partner, but is that a question I can even ask myself? Have I ever not been a burden to them? Am I becoming a burden to both of my partners? Like I said, I could've said the smallest thing, even a "good night", but I didn't. I just...laid there and fell asleep, probably making them think that I had just forgotten about everything or just didn't care.

I'm unpredictable. I'm loud when it comes to my chaotic ideas, Yet, I'm silent when it comes to apologizing. I'm confident when it comes to my aspirations, But timid when it comes to admitting I'm wrong. I'm constantly writing, constantly thinking, constantly typing out my ideas, words in which I'll write a million of to get my imaginations across, Yet I can't find the words when they matter most. ...the fuck's wrong with you Kameron?

I've got all these big ideas, these dreams, these ambitions of what I want my life to be, where I want to be, who I want to be with. I've written miles and miles of short stories, beginnings of novels, documents within documents of world-building. I'm able to do all this, but I can never seem to find the words when they're needed to be said.

How does one say that they're sorry when they've shown otherwise?

How do I get over these feelings about myself?

[cinnabundolly12]

Hey I was thinking about making the fnafhspr au into a comic again now that what I needed before having to be made into a video isn't necessary anymore I still have no knowledge how to make these but I'm going to try ;v; with every new fnaf drop I end up trying to adjust my au to fit in the new details and I thought that maybe once I am so sure that what I have later down the line with to be locked in place I'll be able to go back to video and fix any errors I had or changes I made when it's "finally ready". this is also for an art style problem of mine which doesn't matter rn I don't think I have to say cuz I'm sure you guys already know

Official fnaf stuff (movie, games, books, and merchandise, ect.) will be heavy inspiration but also some theories I hear online will most likely be the reason I end up doing stuff in the story

The main characters will be the animatronics (freddy, bonnie, chica, foxy, gold and) so when it "shifts(?)" to another characters story it's not like what edo kept doing with her mistake in forgetting freddy is the main character but it's that the whole 5 missing kids is what started all this they were the main reason for the whole story to start so the animatronics will be the main characters with their own mc story while still being in their little friend group but to also let in other characters come in even for a moment but also because I'm terrible at story writing I've never actually written publicly cuz I get nervous and I get horribly side tracked and so far the writing process has bounced around from character to character

I'm still going to try making it horror maybe not so much gore like I had originally planned now that the villains motive for the au has changed. they'll still be violent tho because I really want it to be what I vision for fnaf but you know- it's high school lol

The whole art problem I have is I really want to actually try drawing backgrounds properly I still need to practice buildings and furniture design for rooms I have to teach myself how to do everything so I hope you forgive me for some of the wonky drawings. I'm going to try simplifying a lot of stuff not for shortcut purposes but skill issue reasons as I unfortunately do not have resources to help me

Last thing I want to clarify is some stuff will be nonfiction I don't want to offend anyone so a lot of health issues with a certain character is not going to be real it will be made up because story purposes so when a character has a real health issue I will try my best to make it as close to the real thing since I am no doctor obviously and I don't trust doctors here as they lie or gaslight you into thinking you're actually fine so anything I find will be online and if the source I use lies to me I am very sorry for being stupid 💀

______

The comic will have no schedule as you guys know I go from one drawing to another and then back because my brain doesn't know how to function on one task all the way through and people ask me for art stuff and idk how to say no plus I like to enter into art contest stuff from time to time c: aND I'M SLOW AT ART

OK BAI :D

[pollen]

AHH ok i'm tipsy. i'm venting about work

so sometimes we get something big from the client, and big meaning 25+ pages of dense text. and we got something like that recently, a 76 page provider manual that outlines all of the processes a provider working with my client (the medical network) would need to know. and because it's 76 pages (75 plus a cover) it's a beast. and mostly text because it's a manual. so for a proofer, it's really daunting. and because i got promoted to an executive position, i'm not supposed to be proofing. however, because i manage the account, i have to check the work of our proofers, which actually creates more work for me because they're not as good as this as i am, which might be evident given i started as a content specialist and am now an account executive. anyway

so this 76 page manual went through one of our proofers. let's call her anna. i assigned anna to this on, well let me check. april 7th. and i asked her to proof it. and she reached out to me and was like "what's the reading level i should be proofing for?" which 1. not a concern of proofing, that's a copyediting concern. 2. i have no idea because it's b2b and i know b2c needs to be a 4th grade reading level. she assumed 9th grade and i was like "that's fine, i'll look into it, but please proof for general punctuation/accuracy in the meantime" and she did not do that. so a week later, when i finally had time to look at this, i assigned it back to her and she did proof it. and once that was done, i passed it off to design to implement, because that's how this works. someone proofs something, you pass it to design, you QA it.

and then i was busy and couldn't get back to this until like, today. so i began to QA it today. and it was a fucking disaster. i mean, absolutely ridiculous. there's a lot of mentions of CMS because my client is medicare, and the very first mention said "Center for Medicare Services" and anna didn't catch that. it should be Centers for Medicare & Medicaid Services. so it's like, super glaring, the issues.

so i pulled my supervisor and our brand strategist in on it during a debrief we had today and i was like. listen. this is bad. and my supervisor said she'd escalate it to the vp of accounts. and she also took everything off my plate today so i could do an entire proof of this thing on my own because i'm the only good proofer in this agency and i'm an executive, not a proofer. and i spent 3.5 hours proofing this thing, going through and reviewing anna's proofs. and on the working document, i'd mark up changes for the designer (who i really like and trust a lot, and thankfully she caught some of the missed proofs and fixed them on her own), and on the document i was QAing against, i'd mark up what was missed/wrong and why.

and all that time i spent on it, acrobat decided it wasn't going to cooperate. "bad parameter" it said. both files disappeared from my computer, despite literally knowing i'd saved at least the working document because i put my initials in the file name as per convention to track who touched a document. it had my initials in the file name. and i did not move it to my trash, but it wasn't on my computer anywhere. and 255 comments later, i was left with nothing. i want to scream

i'm just so unbelievably frustrated because i spent like half my day working on this for nothing. and it would not have required that much work from me if anna would've proofed correctly to begin with. and she's the only proofer readily available now that i got promoted twice. but i'm truly the only one who actually cares enough to do the work the way it needs to be done.

it would've been so much cheaper for the client and so much more time-efficient if i'd just proofed it myself from the jump. and the director of ops is supposed to be looking for another proofer, but that got put on the back burner because internally we have bigger fish to fry

but i'm not supposed to proof! and i wish i could! because it would save me so much time and effort! and the client would get work turned around so much faster! and the quality of work would be better! i truly do not understand why this is so difficult to do. i gave her the brand guide. i told her i'd be here to help if she needed it. she's not qualified for this and i want her out, but unfortunately she's the easier one of our two proofers to work with. we have anna, who's only there from 7–11am, and another proofer who's only there for 4 hours on thursdays. and the thursday proofer is rude as shit and is worse than anna. so i prefer working with anna

but it all falls on me. it's still my job to make sure the work is done correctly, that we're not overbilling the client or delivering subpar work. but this is so unreasonable and unfair. and i'm so exhausted. and the awful thing is this really isn't even the most stressful thing in my life right now. work isn't all that bad. i want to lie face down in a ditch and rot!!!!! no i don't but i just want a break. or to be able to trust anyone i work with. y'know.

[sunshinebarbarian]

Chapter 7 - Battle on the Nautiloid

All Chapters <3

Once through the door, Sol noticed another one of those restoration trees. The group wasn't too bruised, but she thought it would be better to heal now than suffer the consequences later.

"We are nearing the helm" - Lae'zel jutted out her chin. - "Once inside, do as I say".

"Who put you in charge?" - Shadowheart scoffed. - "I'll trust my own judgement."

"Kainyank" - Lae'zel spat out, scowling at Shadowheart.

"Let's get this over with." - Sol interjected before they attacked each other. - "And please remember who the actual enemy is."

As they made their way inside, it took a second for them to process everything that was happening. They found themselves in a long rectangular room, with different level platforms and all sorts of alien control panels. There were still fires burning in spots, while in other places only ashes remained. A battle was raging between the mind flayers that commanded the ship and the fiends that called the Hells their home. Judging by the amount of corpses strewn about, it had been going on for a while.

A mind flayer used the distraction from the newcomers to sneak up on a devil, wrapping its tentacles around his head and crushing his skull into its maw before he had a chance to react. A group of imps immediately descended upon that mind flayer, bringing it down with their claws, avenging their master before flying off again in search of new prey.

Only one mind flayer remained. He fought a great red cambion, bigger than the others, wielding a flaming greatsword. Sol figured he must be the one leading the charge. The mind flayer hovered slighly in the air before blasting the devil with a purple light, knocking him prone. In the brief respite this provided, the mind flayer looked at the group, and spoke to them with its mind.

"Thrall. Connect the nerves of the transponder. We must escape." - a deep, authoritative voice. Sol felt an unusual compulsion to do as it said. - "Now!" - with this last word, the mind flayer turned to face the fiend, who had gotten back on its feet and was mid-strike.

"Do it" - Lae'zel said, scowling. She didn't like to take orders from an ilithid. - "We will deal with the ghaik after we escape."

Sol nodded. Imps and a hellsboar blocked their path to the transponder that the mind flayer had directed them to. The hellsboar fixed its malevolent eyes on Sol, and prepared to strike. The imps screeched.

"Split these intruders open!" - the cambion had a deep, hoarse voice. He swung at the mind flayer. - "Avernus is ours!"

"I'll run" - Sol started to formulate a plan. - "I'll kill whatever is in front of me, you help from a distance. I need you to make sure that that ghaik doesn't die before the fiend" - Lae'zel raised an eyebrow in question. - "I'm not sure we can survive that long if the fiend turns to us, and that thing has seen better days." - Sol explained. The mind flayer had deep purple bruises and some blackened, burnt flesh, along with multiple cuts. It seemed to be able to keep going for now, but its fancy armour would only protect it for so long.

Shadowheart and Lae'zel nodded and prepared themselves. Sol took a deep breath. She charged into the room, nearly killing the hellsboar with one blow. An imp attacked her, but landed no more than a scratch. Lae'zel ran to the imp on the other side of the room and attacked it, followed by Shadowheart. Together they dispatched the imp easily, then turned to the mind flayer and the fiend, who were locked in battle with each other and scarcely seemed to notice anyone around them.

"Take this ship, or Zariel will have your head!" - the devil commanded the imps.

Once the obstacles were out of her way, Sol started running again. As she got to the halfway point, a raised platform in the middle of the room, the ship shook. She saw the dark shape of a dragon fly past, an infernal scream echoing in her ears.

"Tsk'va! Hurry - before they strike!" - Lae'zel yelled out to Sol as she struck the fiend. Her attacks seemed to be no more than a minor nuisance to him, as he did not even acknowledge her. Shadowheart was having the same issue. A bead of sweat ran down her face. The mind flayer seemed to be the only one who was able to land serious hits consistently, but that also meant that it was taking the full force of the cambion's flaming sword. At a glance, Sol knew it would not last much longer in the fight.

"Throw their corpses in the Styx!" - the cambion cried out before swinging his sword at the mind flayer again. He also seemed to have come to the same conclusion as Sol. A savage grin spread across his face, but his eyes remained focused on his prey.

"Seriously, does this guy ever stop talking?" - Sol grumbled to herself. As she turned back towards the transponder, another hellsboar appeared, flanked by two imps. It was blocking her path. - "Ugh." - she rolled her eyes and readied her greataxe.

The hellsboar charged at Sol. She brought her axe down on it, but not before it landed a nasty hit on her right thigh, just above her knee, making her stumble momentarily. The wound was deep. Sol felt her muscle burning, and saw her dark red blood running down her leg. Se tightened her grip on her weapon and sucked in air through gritted teeth.

"Shadowheart! Lae'zel!" - she yelled out to her companions. The urgency in her voice was message enough. Within seconds, they had slipped away from the duel and appeared at her side. The fiend slashed at the mind flayer, cutting a giant gaping wound across its stomach. Silver blood began pouring out.

Shadowheart placed a hand on Sol, healing her. She was able to stop the bleeding from her leg, but it was not enough to completely close it. Sol had a feeling that was going to leave a scar. Oh well, what's one more scar amid her extensive collection.

Lae'zel steadied her crossbow and shot one of the imps. Her leg wound not hurting so much anymore, Sol finished off the hellsboar, taking some irrational satisfaction in her vengeance against it. Shadowheart at her side, they approached the transponder. Lae'zel was already there. As Shadowheart swung her mace to hit the imp on the right of the group, a horrible scream pierced their minds. Sol looked back and saw the mind flayer on the ground, and the fiend, now with reinforcements, pointing his finger at the women, his rugged features twisted into the smile of someone who was having a great time.

[the-mothmaam]

Everyone Loves Sausage, No One Wants to Know How It's Made

The last few weeks have been harder than normal. My inner critic keeps shouting. It keeps telling me how everything is my fault. It seems like I have two options; listen to it and toppling back into depression over the fact that everything I do seems wrong to someone - namely Jessica, OR I can risk being a / the narcissist because I refuse to acknowledge when I've done things wrong.

I've been actively working towards being responsible for my own shit. Everything goes under the microscope. I apologize about anything that might remotely offend someone. And yet it still feels like something is missing from the equation. I think my mind assumes if I could fix things then I can go back to the way things were. But things sucked the way they were and I really don't want to go back to that. I loved Jessica so fucking much and I sacrificed over and over for her and nothing was ever enough. I was constantly less than and badgered over the stupidest bull shit. And when I pointed things out she DARVOed and became the victim, intentionally turning things around on me and then painting me as the reason those things happened. I couldn't even talk to her about my boundaries without her becoming the bad guy. She hated when I tried to hold her accountable for anything.

By pouring myself into the research I've done over the last year I thought I might find some objective truth that would make us both accountable so that we could own our mistakes and make right by them - moving forward with the resolve not to backslide. I thought if I could open up the secret guide of Hows and Whys and put it in Jessica's lap and point out what it she was doing that we could work together to find a new middle to come to an agreement on. We could both put in work to redefining what made us great.

Along the way I discovered a lot about myself, and how my past traumas caused issues that I know annoyed Jessica. I've been working on those things. And I've tried to be transparent and honest about the whole thing, pointing out where we both made horrible blunders.

But no one want to see how the sausage is made. We just want to enjoy a relationship without the work to make it shine through tougher times. All this trauma, and psychology, and compromise became this offensive act in Jessica's eyes that made her feel like all I was doing was underpinning her failure once again. I tried to assume the responsibility I knew to be mine in all of this. But it wasn't enough. I either had to assume a greater deal of fault, or fall on my sword and take it all - but even then she was not content.

So do I beat myself up for another year underlining more of my faults, or do I do what everyone supporting me suggests and try to move on with my life. The first seems self deprecating, but the later feels like not taking responsibility.

My anxiety will see to the fact that I'll never be able to make my mind up on something like this. So I guess I take the middle road, assume a new amount of guilt and shame, internalize it and keep on trucking. It's not healthy, but in a void I simply don't see any alternatives.

Maybe being an adult or "mature" is just that. Making decisions and sucking it up when that decision turns out to be wrong. People go separate ways based on how people handle their shit, and often times they don't help you see why you did something wrong. I thought my partner would be able to point me in the right direction. But that ended up putting too much on her and ultimately wasn't fair to her.

Maybe there is no right and wrong. Maybe it's all subjective. That feels callous though.

I love sausage, and while I don't enjoy seeing how it's made I recognize that it is an ugly process and do my best not to shy away from it. But when I put that expectation on others, it always ends a relationship. So do I just keep getting taken advantage of? I thought I could trust Jessica to be open and honest with me. After 14 years for her to just turn her back on me... it makes me feel like she never really had the kind of buy-in that I did. Or is that just the trauma bond? I guess life is just this, sitting in the dark wondering if what you did today was good enough, pure enough, and selfless enough. Each of us suffers a private Hell of not feeling like enough. But reaching out isn't enough to get someone to take your hand. They have to want to climb back out of that Hell, and they have to do it themselves.

I hate this. It's not fair to anyone. It flaggalistic in a way and it leaves no room for reconciliation. We just keep hurting each other by exposing the sausage before it's ready. But the sausage is never done. We all die with unfinished business and unresolved questions. The more I process the more I seem to things pointing towards a single fact. To love someone is to accept their trauma and hold their hand while they process it. You can't fix it for them, but you can be their moral support.

And that is honestly what I tried to do for Jess. I was her friends and confidant. I listened to how her days went, why she was hurting, and why she was depressed. But I was expected to solve it for her, and that just not fair. Her shit is not my responsibility, no matter how codependent I am - I can recognize that fact.

So... Move on, and carry guilt. That's pretty much ny life up to this point anyway, I don't know why it should be any other way.

[jokeboy]

babbling to the void

It's been almost two years since one of the shitter times in my life and I've gone through the therapizing, the medications, the breathing exercises, etc, but I cannot for the life of me find peace with it. It's been years. I haven't been able to talk to people since. I can't make friends. I'm paranoid. And I bring these things up during therapy time but I don't get anywhere with it. Early on in the healing process, I told myself I wouldn't dawdle on the silly stuff like anger or self-pity or anything like that but now I'm in the late stages where my grief has morphed into the seven-headed beast that slithers into my dreams and reminds me that I will never be able to trust people again.

Slightly off topic but after my friend died in 2017 I used to have dreams about her (this only stopped within the last year or so) where I would find her on the street, or at school, or she'd post something new on Instagram or something.. I'd wake up thinking she was still alive and then I'd relive her death all over again. This was multiple times a week. They weren't nightmares but they hurt me all the same. Anyway I finally stopped having those dreams after her brother died, and now that I don't dream about her anymore it feels like she died again. This isn't really important to the above stuff but it ties into why I can't heal from the above in some way, but I haven't quite figured it out yet.

I started having dreams about that situation too, and in the dreams of course everything is solved with a hug and an "I love you stop doing this to me we loved each other just remember already". These used to come to me every night, and slowly they've come to a close, but maybe once every other week or so I'll dwell on a memory for too long and it'll come to visit me when I fall asleep. Always painful. Always makes me want to die.

So mid 2021 I started smoking a LOT of weed LOL and that took the edge off of this. It still does. It kills my dreams too. It starts getting loud in my head and it's like yeah I just need to get high so I can forget about all of this. But after a year of smoking constantly to forget now I... can't really remember anything at all. My memory of the past 2 years is hazy. It wasn't even a bad two years. I just can't remember any of it. I feel like a shell of myself and I know that's just what continual heavy drug use does but if I don't do the drugs then I have to think and if I have to think then all I'm going to think about is abandonment, betrayal, heartbreak and killing myself. Like come on man. I'm 24. This should be over by now

I'm too old, too kind, too sweet, and too loveable to feel like this anymore. It's not kind to ezra to think about hurting myself. But I do. And ezra loves it, I love it, we love it together, we fantasize about going on the journey together, but I also made a promise early into this that I wouldn't hurt myself over this. Kinda failed that one. Drug use isn't not self harm. i don't know. heavy and loud and sad and empty inside of me sometimes.

Wish I knew if learning to hate these people would fix me. But the only person I've ever truly hated is my mother and after she died and I began to piece together that I never held anything for her besides contempt, it's made it harder to hate others. I can't hate anyone like I hated her. I can't even get close. I don't hate the people that abused me. I don't even hate my dad. Just her. Wish I could hate more so I could feel less.

So many people have tried to befriend me since this too and I've failed every single one of them. Every time I don't respond to a DM I feel so fucking guilty it could swallow me. It's just so hard to approach people now. I'm all twisted up and weird. Overall very happy though. just still drowning. lonely. everyone I loved died and then the rest of them turned on me over shit that was out of my control. It's 2 years later. I do have new people in my life. people that treat me right. and I do love them. why is that not enough? what's missing? what's wrong with me

[marvelseries19]

Hiii! So, In a bit, me and my best friend are celebrating our 1 year anniversary, and I was wondering if you could make a Kate bishop x fem reader? I was thinking maybe getting home from a really stressful day at work and being smothered with affection from Kate, and just overall a bunch of fluff? I think it would be really cute! <33

I'M HERE, LOVE

Pairing: Kate Bishop x fem!reader

Genre: Fluff

Summary: After a stressful few days at work, Kate is right there to make the rest of it better.

A/N: This is the cutest gift, I would've never thought of it as a gift. With all my love to you and your best friend. I hope you enjoy it. I don't know when exactly it is so, I hope this is on time. In the case that I'm late with this story as compensation, you can send me another request and I'll write it as fast as I can. I did rush a bit so, any mistakes will be fixed once I check it sometime later.

Warnings: None that I'm aware of

Word count: 1k+

[You do not have permission to repost or translate any of my stories or claim them as yours]

It's been a year and a half since you and Kate decided to live together. During that time you both had established some routines. You would wake up and have breakfast together before you went to work and she went off to do her usual hero stuff with Clint as her mentor. Once you both arrived home you would either cook together or order some food, sometimes you would try new places so you didn't get bored of eating the same over and over.

While you ate you put on a movie or music and just talk about the day or pretty much anything that came to your mind to spend time together.

This had been going on so much that it was mechanical by now, you both fell so comfortably into the routine and you both loved it. It ensured that both of you had time together and it helped you both to shake off some of the usual stress of the day.

You were a surgical resident in the local hospital and until now everything had been okay, stressful but, manageable. Kate always made sure to tell some jokes and act like a dork just to make you laugh all of that stress away.

Until now there was not a day where either of you had any issues with the routine, of course, sometimes you would have to arrange the schedules since both of your jobs were unpredictable but, you always found a way to spend some time together.

That was until this last week. You had been arriving way too late, exhausted beyond belief and your girlfriend could see that something had been bothering you. She had given you time to process what you were feeling before you told her but, you didn't seem anywhere close to telling her and she was starting to get worried. You had been too tired to watch a movie or talk and some days you didn't even eat so, she decided that it was time to intervene and offer you her help.

You opened the front door of your apartment not really expecting to find Kate awake in the living room this late. You walked in taking your shoes off and hanging your jacket on the hooks beside your door.

Kate waited patiently for you to put your bag down to call you and invite you to sit next to her on the couch.

You walked slowly, knowing what this was probably about. You took a seat next to Kate and she immediately hold your hands.

"Baby, what's wrong?" She was gently caressing your knuckles with her thumbs. The gentle touch was enough for your walls to break. Your eyes filled with tears, you were exhausted, and stressed and you isolated yourself for no good reason.

"I just… I'm just so tired, Kate" You said a bit louder than a whisper but not fully using your regular volume. You didn't trust that your voice wouldn't brake. Kate waited patiently for you to continue knowing that it was hard for you to ask for help, she knew that you probably didn't even think about telling her how tired you were. "I feel like nothing I do is enough, there's always stuff I don't know and everybody else seems to know them…"

Your tears were freely falling down your face now and the young archer didn't wait any longer and wrapped her arms around you. You nestled your head in the crook of her neck and held her shirt as tight as you could in order for you to calm yourself.

"I feel like I'm not good enough…" this time it was hard for Kate to hear what you said but, as hard as it was, she did and it broke her heart to see you like this. She saw how hard you studied, how much effort you put in, every day, and how passionate you were about your job.

"Honey… look at me" she used one of her fingers to lift your face. "You have given everything to this job, to your studies, you've earned your place there and it's okay if sometimes you don't know something, you're still learning, and you will keep learning"

Kate has always been your number one fan, always, since the day you two met three years ago when you were still in college. She has been your biggest supporter, self-proclaimed as your personal cheerleader, and you've tried your best to show her the same.

"Being a doctor is not something you can master in a year, that's why you're a resident, you're supposed to be still learning" she stopped to gently press her lips on your forehead and you closed your eyes just enjoying the gentle touch and thinking about what she was saying.

"What would I do without you?" You said while resting your forehead on hers

"Let's hope you don't have to find out"

You stayed for a few minutes in the couch, just holding each other and enjoying the time together again.

"Hey, how about we order some take out and eat in bed tonight?" She had been drawing patterns in the skin of your arm and hadn't stopped, she knew how calming it was for you.

"Sounds perfect" you gave her a full smile. One that actually reached your eyes.

You both order some food and enjoyed each other's company for as long as you could before you started to yawn. She noticed this and took it upon herself to clean everything so you could go to sleep.

When she was back you were ready to drift off and she couldn't help but look at you with hearty eyes. She walked to her side of the bed and got under the covers. You instantly went to rest your head on her chest, right above her heart, finding the sound of her heartbeat relaxing.

"I love you, Kate" You said almost asleep.

"I love you too, baby" she left a kiss on the top of your head and once she noticed your steady breathing, she let herself fall asleep. She hold you the entirety of the night just like she has promised herself she would when she realized she was in love with you.

[xoluvx]

betty; p.parker

» pairing: peter parker x reader » song: betty » word count: 1.9K

There was a flutter in Peter's heart as he watched you from behind his locker. He was pretending to dig for something, but his head peeked from behind the door watching you enter the school. The glow of senior year oozed off you and the never-ending giggles of your friends wrapped around you like a safety blanket. Your bag hung on one of your arms as the other linked with an arm of one of your friends.

Peter's heart thumped as you approached his locker. Usually, you would come up to him, peck his cheek, tell him how much you missed him, and celebrate the fact you were finally seniors in high school. But that wasn't the case. You walked right past him as if he were invisible.

He followed you down the hall with his eyes, the chatter among your friends grew softer as you disappeared in the crowd of freshmen rushing to find their classrooms. His eyes were on you when you briefly turned your head finding his eyes. Embarrassed, you turned quickly. But his eyes were still on you until he lost you in the crowd.

Shutting his locker, Peter sighed.

"Hey," Ned's voice rang in the hallway as he hurried to Peter.

Peter greeted Ned, as they walked side by side towards their first period. "Are you going to her party?" Ned asked glancing at Peter. He knew it was a sensitive topic, one he hadn't disclosed all the details about yet.

"She hates me," Peter responded shrugging his shoulders digging his hands in the pockets of his jeans.

"What happened with Gwen anyway?" Ned asked bluntly. He was tired of being left in the dark, of tiptoeing around the issue and tired of his best friend ditching him for most of the summer.

Peter turned to look at Ned with a blank look, flashbacks of summer invading his mind.

"Do you need a ride?" The voice startled Peter. He'd heard the car coming, but he hadn't turned to see who was approaching him. When the car stopped next to him, he recognized the girl. She had been in one of his classes, but they'd never spoken before.

"Oh no, thank you." Peter shook his head politely. He was carrying his skateboard, a wheel was busted so he was left to walk the rest of the way home.

"It's not a problem, I have nowhere to be." She added smiling at him, lifting her sunglasses, Peter made eye contact. Her eyes were friendly, lips curling into an inviting smile. "I don't bite," she added unlocking her car.

Peter gulped but approached her car. If he walked, it would take him another half hour. Why not?

"Peter, right?" she said. It was then Peter realized she was chewing gum, she blew a bubble take popped as she brought her sunglasses down. Peter nodded.

"Gwen. We had English together," she mentioned driving down the road. "Why are you out here all alone?" she asked casually keeping her eyes on the road.

Peter shifted in his seat, his skateboard awkwardly between his legs. "I was at my friend Ned's house," He said looking at her briefly. "But my skateboard broke-" he continued talking looking down at the skateboard with the missing wheel.

"You know how to fix it?" she asked.

"I think I have to get it fixed," he confessed. Or maybe Ned could help, but that would require transportation that he didn't have.

"I can take you," she offered and Peter's eyes widen a bit. He was confused by her generosity. He barely knew this girl.

"I have to get home. My aunt is waiting for me." It was true. Aunt May didn't play when it came to dinner. Even though the sun was still out, he had to be home for dinner in less than an hour.

"Tomorrow," she shrugged nonchalantly glancing at Peter as they stopped at a red light. Peter's eyes scanned her face, her round features, and her long lashes. The gum expanded once again in a small bubble.

"Sure. Okay," Peter smiled as he gave her directions towards his house.

Peter should've known then. He should've known how things would end, but he was too gullible and he missed you too much. You'd taken the camp counselor job and though you would only be gone for five weeks, they felt like the longest five weeks. Gwen was filling that void.

Gwen's company made the days slightly more bearable. It was innocent. It started that way at least.

"I saw them at the arcade together," Inez's voice was becoming staticky. Your thoughts fogged as you heard what she was saying. "I wanted to call as soon as I saw, but you were at camp." She frowned, it was ingenuine though. Like she was living for the hurt expression on your face.

She went in for a hug, but you moved out of her way leaving the mall. You weren't going to entertain this. Is that why Peter wasn't there like he said he would? At your doorstep waiting for you to come back from camp?

You could feel the tears forming as you approached your car. Fumbling with the door you finally pulled it open sliding into the driver's seat slamming the door, gripping the steering wheel as you let the tears flow. Your chest felt tight.

This had to be the worst welcome home ever.

"Hey," Ned waved and you turned in his direction. He was waving at you with a friendly smile. Peter was next to him looking like a lost puppy. You faked a smile and waved, ignoring Peter, before you got pulled away by your friends to your table in the cafeteria.

"Are you going to talk to him?" one of your friends, Alice, asked drinking from her juice box. Another cut in and it was all too much for you to process. They knew as much as Inez had told you, and they knew you hadn't spoken to Peter since you left for camp.

"I think you should talk to him," Abigail added with a concerned expression.

"No, don't. He's not worth it. Remember how he didn't even come and rescue you when Jack refused to take no for an answer at the dance?" Rebecca retaliated.

You remembered clearly. You'd just started dating. Peter was still shy. It wasn't a big deal. You weren't even expecting Peter to come to the dance and you wouldn't have known that he was there unless Inez made it a point to tell you later that night as you walked towards the parking lot.

"We've already gone over that, it wasn't a big deal." You reasoned still on Peter's side. Because that was the thing, even if Peter had betrayed your trust, you felt like you'd always be on team Peter.

Glancing at his table, you saw him talking with Ned and you wished you could just go up there and forget everything ever happened press reset, and start senior year how you'd been planning with Peter.

"What if he shows up at your party?" Rebecca asked and you snapped back to your table. Shrugging you poked at your veggies before pushing your tray away. You weren't hungry.

The week went by in a flash, but each day felt longer than the previous. You wrapped your cardigan tightly around your body as you got out of bed. It was Saturday, in a few hours crowds of people would be in your backyard celebrating the start of the last year of high school.

But you were too caught up on Peter.

The sound of a text notification caught your attention.

Can we talk? - Ned

That was weird. Ned wasn't usually one to text you. Peter was always there as the middle man. You were curious.

What's up? You typed waiting for his text in anticipation. Your phone rang and you caught your breath. You were expecting him to continue texting.

"Hello?" you asked cautiously.

"Don't hang up, please. I need to talk to you. You need to hear me out, please-" it was Peter. His voice filled your body with warmth until you remembered.

"Peter," your voice cracked. What could you say to him? Nothing, you were about to hang up when you heard his voice again.

"Don't hang up. I was stupid. I missed you and Gwen was there, and I know that's not an excuse for what I did but I never stopped thinking of you-" he was out of breath speaking quickly.

You felt your heart tighten, the familiar feeling of tears forming in your eyes took over.

"I'm sorry, Peter." You hung up. You couldn't deal with this. Not when Abigail and Rebecca were on their way. Wiping the tears, you discarded the cardigan on your bed. The one he'd bought for you last Christmas.

-

"Are you having fun?" Abigail asked squeezing your hand lightly. She was speaking over the loud music, her nose close to your ear. Nodding, you feigned a smile before looking into the crowd. No Peter.

"I'll be back," you motioned towards your house letting her know you needed to grab something.

But in reality, you needed some space. You'd been looking forward to this day. Towards your last year of high school, but plans changed. Sighing you sat on your porch. You could still hear the music and though the party was in your backyard, you needed a breath of air that wasn't congested by teens.

Swinging on the porch swing, you leaned your head back looking at the silent street. That's when you saw a figure. One hand deep in the pockets of his jeans, a skateboard in the other. It was Peter.

"Hi," his voice echoed drowning out the music. Your heart skipped a beat and you straightened up on the porch swing. You planted your hands on either side of you grounding you.

"What are you doing here?" you asked carefully getting off the swing.

"Just listen to me please," he said climbing up the three steps of your porch. "I messed up, I know I did." He looked at you with sad eyes placing his skateboard down. "It meant nothing to me. Gwen was a distraction. One that ruined the best thing that's happened to me," he was sincere with his words. His tone was gentle as he stepped forward.

"I thought becoming an Avenger was the best thing that happened to you," you joked folding your arms. That got a small chuckle out of Peter.

"That's a close second," he joked back, this time it was your turn to laugh softly. You were falling back into your comfortable state. One where only you and Peter existed.

"I can't ask you to forget what happened-" he was stepping closer. "-but please forgive me, I will do anything." He reached for your hands, your fingers intertwining easily.

"Anything?" you asked, your voice cracking.

Peter squeezed your hands nodding.

"Kiss me," you whispered pulling Peter closer with your hands still tangled together. A goofy smile spread across Peter's face and he happily closed the gap between your bodies.

He let go of your hands so he could cup your face. Yours instantly wrapped around his torso.

"I missed you," he whispered against your lips, your noses touching.

Smiling you kissed him again. The fabric of his soft lightweight sweater felt right under your fingertips. You could smell his fabric softener and shampoo.

It felt like home.

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