#Eugh shit's hard. And this year has been a pain in the ass too.

[pvremichigan]

love u guys :)

[lastoneout]

Wheelchair excitement is being more than slightly dampened by concern that either my insurance is going to deny me and I won't be allowed to pay for the chair myself because I have Medicade OR that the physical/occupational therapist and/or wheelchair assessment people will decide I don't actually need one despite my primary, who again is a former EDS specialist and is very certain my quality of life is bad enough I need one, and turn me away.

Like my mom has gotten a wheelchair through Medicaid basically her whole life and she told me that the assessment people aren't allowed to turn you down, they are ONLY there to help you decide what chair will best fit you and take the needed measurements and make adjustments once it's made, the only person who can decide if I truly need one is my doctor and the prescription is the final say, but most of the stuff I've been finding online about the process is saying the assessment people are part of the initial decision about my need for one and their say has just as much weight as the doctor writing the prescription, and I am sadly WELL AWARE of how anti-mobility aid a lot of physical therapists can be so the thought of getting that far and being shut down is concerning me greatly.

I'm also worried my insurance will only approve me for one of those manual transport/hospital drive ones that are too heavy and weirdly built for the passenger to propell themselves meaningfully on their own...I know I can fight it and one of those straight up will not work for me but still. Also I've heard Medicaid will refuse to pay for one if you don't need to use it inside the house, which I won't need mine for that plus my house is way too small for me to even use it in here at all, and I guess I could lie but eugh I am not good at that.

I probably shouldn't worry until I actually get in touch with the assessment people, and tbh when I called them earlier this year to ask what the process was they told me all I need to see them is a prescription from my doctor so I'm really praying everything goes smoothly but like shit typically does NOT go smoothly for me so I know my ass is just gonna be freaking out and over thinking it the entire time.

I just really need this chair. My quality of life is gone, it's so hard for me to even find the will to do the things I need to to regain what mobility I can because I know it will never be enough to allow me to actually do the things I want to do and I don't get to do anything fun in the meantime so I'm just depressed about this constantly, and I truly do not know how much longer I can sit here and watch my entire life go by without me. I want to be able to run errands and spent time with my family and go to museums and parks(masked ofc) and go to school and it is abundantly clear that no amount of knee braces, pain meds, and physical therapy will get me there, so it is truly cruel and unfair to say I should just not do all that because the thing that would let me do it at all is somehow "bad" for me.

I deserve the dignity of risk. I deserve to give informed consent. I deserve to be treated like the fucking adult I am who is more than capable of doing physical therapy and other exercises at home to maintain my muscles and mobility. I can be trusted to know when it's appropriate to use my aids and when it isn't. I am so FUCKING sick of being treated like a literal child by doctors who insist if I get in the chair I will simply give up and never walk again, I'm almost 30, I have self control, I'm not lazy. Every single activity I have given up, be it work or hiking or walks has claw marks in it, I am the opposite of lazy.

I just don't think I can take much more of my life being denied to me by abled people who clearly think all disabled people are lazy idiots who can't be trusted to make their own decisions. I genuinely cannot take it. If this doesn't work I don't know what I'll do.

(I think for now to temper the anxiety I'm going to write down all the measures I've tried to fix myself(PT, knee braces, rollator, ect.) and why they haven't been enough to achieve the VERY REASONABLE goals I have for myself. Also all the ways my current medical conditions limit me. That should help me feel more like I can actually convince the right people that we are well past the time that this should have been considered. Fingers crossed anyway.)

[ram-de]

[read] ravensong thoughts vomit (pt. 2)

who tf is dale AHHHHH I just want my son (38 years old) to be happy and enjoying life stop being so blue😔 but he hasn't moved on WHY IS GORDO SO SIMILIAR TO OX AUGHHHH

Gordo hasn't healed yet because he kept being dragged into shits hshsjsjsjjs

They're pushing robbie and Kelly hard which honestly I don't mind their antics are soooo cute😂 i also felt like the dynamics is gonna be different (quiet cat ox/talkalot pup joe, grumpy bitter old man gordo/sad uncle mark), Kelly is portrayed to be the softer one (tho he seems like a copy of Carter at times since they're always a package except for that one Ox/Kelly and gordo/Kelly scene) while robbie seems to be a glass canon, WHICH MAKES A GOOD DISASTER PAIR. pleaseeee less angst for their book mr klune😔 also let's switch things up by having the non-bennets courting the other... UAGSHSJSHHE DO I SKIP THIS ANGSTY BOOK AND JUMP INSTEAD(no I won't)

Ok so speciesicm exists in this world. calling an omega 'IT' like an animal too??? THE WOLF GOVERNMENT IS ROTTEN AT THE CORE

can we send my son (38 years old) to therapy please

Bruh omegas are just lost soul like no wonder they wander for a pack... someone help them😔

man gordo really picked up from his old man Marty... Smoke a lot... Swear a lot... Likes fixing cars. If Mark were indeed there at the funeral and couldn't bother to console my grieving son than I don't know what else was so important mark.... APOLOGISE TO MY SON NOW

Has been in my mind how come gordo is so sad when he has like a solid friend group (love u rico tanner and chris), they even bother him, visits him and drag him to hangouts. Was gordo that closed off?? Some pain aren't meant to be shared but how I wish he'd let people help...

they're so lively😭 THEY'RE MENACES HSGSHSJSH I love my old man crews

this bar chapter is top tier I'm cackling hshshsh they're so silly NOT CARTER?? NOT ELIZABETH SHSGSJSJ STOPP SHE'S A REFINED LADY

😐😮‍💨 not again it was going so well am I here to be tortured by pain HAVE MY SON GORDO NOT SUFFERED ENOUGH why can't mark just BACK OFFF

Can we not do infidelity can mark just leave gordo alone HAS HE APOLOGIZED YET? NO? EXACTLY....!!

Is this long ass excerpt about gordo pissing really needed for the story...... Um. I'll take this over him hurting so you know what? Keep pissing, gordo!

Mark you cheater EUGH

I love my son gordo for standing his ground he is just like ox fr

THE ALPHA SOCIETY LIED A LOTTTT I know for sure Richard has been an insider job. Hunters rampage. They need some method of eradicating. Thus. Robert livingstone being freed. Some sort of magic to keeps people head not saying too much. Pappas is a puppet. What else? What's the grand plan here. Hunters eradication but extends to human in packs.

Gordo has been carrying the safety of the town FOR YEARS!! manipulating civilians memories so they didn't know werewolves and magics. And knowing there's only one (1) witch in the town HES DOING ALL OF IT???

INFECTION... ZOMBIES... MINDLESS DRONES...

Nooooo mark got bit😔

SHUT IT ELIZABETH YOU DON'T GET TO PUSH GORDO TO FORGIVE MARK!! NOT WHEN YOU. ALSO. LEFT. HIM!! And didn't even bother send a letter!

Also mark hasn't even told what his story was. He just kept. "You don't understand!" got cut off "But I tried when I could!" doesn't change the fact that you still left wolf boy AND got cut off "I've been telling you! You don't know the-"

AUGH whatever mark is gonna turn feral (coz I read the chapter list) and then gordo somehow saved him coz he's hi is tether or something or the wooden raven yea yea that tracks

I live my grumpy protective uncle gordo he's such a menace sometimes

fuck I teared up a bit again don't die mark...😔

no no no no robbie sweetheart we are not going to justify Thomas benett leaving his witch alone to fend for himself shit it with being forced! He have. Choices!

ox is awesome indeed hzgzhsbejhzus

noo noo NOOO WITCH PATRICE we are not condoning Thomas Bennet being a prick alpha just because "he made mistakes" SHUT YOUR MOUTH OFF

Gordo's tether being the wooden raven mark gave him, not mark himself. But what,what he promised, what could have been, the memories of pack and clumsy kisses and all of that youth before, before. Gordo my son😭 im taking him to therapy

Girl why do these wolf hunters talk like anime characters (which I like) THEY'RE SO Edgy BRUH THEIR SPEECH TAKES UP LIKE 3 PAGES LONG!! all of that saying bunch of complex words that I don't even know what do they're saying (I'm not a native speaker💀)

GRABHH I DONT KNOW THE CHRISTIAN LORE SO ALL THIS REFERENCE IS LOST ON ME??? WHAT ARE YOU SAYING GIRL I can feel the literacy skills leaving my brain

So is she doing a sermon while running ahead of the wolves? Or maybe she's dragged by the wolves on leash? Or is she like, stopping to make speech, and then running again? If she run, can gordo even hear all the sermon?? And if she's not running, how far are they? Who's listening to you girl😂

I just resized the text to make it smaller and lord save me💀 AGHHHH I HATE LONG PARAGRAPHS MAKE IT STOP I DONT KNOW WHERE TO READDD

Meredith king im sorry to break it to you, but you're a chuunibyou girl😔

Fucking finally. Mark it only took you 54% way through the book to admit. That. You. Are. To blame. GOSH. it took longer than it should. A near-death gordo. AND GOROD DONT DOWNPLAY IT PLS

Gordo is being an asshole BECAUSE HE HAS ALL THE RIGHT TOOO fuck mark honestly,, I will always back you up my son

I still feel like mark's apology isn't enough for me to forgive (it was not my place to forgive lmao) but so long as my son gordo is healing and seeing green and not more blue then thats fine as well. Mark you're on thin ice

😭 finally... Cuties

Don't worry gordo even if u absolve thomas bennett of his wrongdoing I will carry the resentment enough for both of us

I AGREE there's too much entangled plots like what do you mean there's evil alpha society, wolf hunters, infection shit and gordo's daddy issues ?????? I liked the first half better. Book 1 better (age issue aside)

Why do I feel like the past 50 pages until now has been a drag... Like pacing issues? Tension issues? One time tension is all high like live or death then next page it's all OK and rico's joking about something and then another conclict issues and then suddenly non-solved but ok for now like?

It's all been happening for like 1-2 days?? Hello?😭 I feel like too much is developed... There is a lot to unpack I know BUT SPACE IT OUT???

What the fluff this is a bit violent with bloods and claws (I'm a bit vanilla)... Anyways...

pup mark's thoughts :(

FUCKING THOMAS BENNETT AGAIN. screw him I'M GONNA DANCE IN HIS GRAVE GOOD THING HE dyed his hair into the color of ash or something. FUCKING THOMAS BENNETT AND HIS ALPHA "FAMILY ABOVE ALL" BULLSHIT YOU LEFT ONE OF YOUR OWN FOR WHAT???

THANK YOU THANK YOU MARK YESSS SURGE THE POWER OF ANGER. RISE. RISE RISE RISE.

YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND I FUCKING HATE THOMAS I'M TURNING INTO RICHARD COLLINS AAAAGHHHJHHJ fuck character flaws fuck humane traits because I'm so... RESENTFUL. HE NEVER APOLOGIZED TO GORDO WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THAT MAN. all of my son gordo's resentment is valid AND justifiable. Consider yourself lucky he forgave you. AAGHHH THE HATE IS CONSUMING ME

can we just let them sleep plz there's like 20years of angst resolved just... This is what I meant about the wonky tension shgdshsjshs it's such a whiplash

can we not have thomas back in the story again HES DEAD FOR FUCK SAKE AUGHJTTT SCREW CLOSURE HE DOESN'T DESERVE CLOSURE

Who is this timber wolf and why is he cute and possessive

My uncle gordo is protective and clumsy and cute and NOOO CARTER :'(

shut up Elizabeth if Thomas rly loved gordo he should tell him himself when he had the time. AND HE HAD ALL THE TIME! before he's dead. So. BACK OFF MY SON

[just-a-dumb-gay]

TIME FOR 2X10

• BABY ALYSSA

- Baby alyssa burned the mfing house down

- BABY TWINS!!!!!!!!!

- TEENAGE TWINS!!!!

• JED AND ALYSSA?! EUGH!

- Alyssa. *sigh* I want to like her. But there's bitchy, then there's that.

• Welllllll there's how the hourglass winds up in the prison world and how Kai gets out.

- They wanna make a new prison world? Lemme guess. Hope gets roped into this somehow.

• EMMA!!!!!

• Okay i hate Alyssa. I don't tolerate bullies. It better just be cos of the monster.

- HOPE!!! OH DAMN!

• Bitchy Hope is hot

- But that monster is a gigantic pain in the ass

• HOL UP. IS WADE ACTUALLY...A FAIRY? I wanna ask what kinda bullshit...yeah i gotta ask. WHAT KIND OF BS?!

• Gotta love Lizzie!!

- "Focus on the silence." Lizzie - *Loudly drags chair over.* 😂

• So we get the sherrif, and Ethan mention. But Nada bout Maya. Greaaaat.

• HOPE PROTECTING HER GF! HELL YES!

- BUTTERFLY SPELL!!!

• MY INTERNET WENT ALL FUCKY MID ADS IM PANICKING!

- Okay! Providing my ad blocker doesnt decide to pop up. I got it back in time.

• Hope and Lizzie are a comedy duo THEY WOULD BE THE BEST GFS!

• MAYA MENTION! WOO! AND MENTION OF MAYA HAVING A GIRLFRIEND!!! NOTHING WILL MAKE ME HAPPIER! Other than Hope and Maya becoming a thing.

• The monsters are after Jos- OH THEY'RE AFTER THE DARK MAGIC!

• JOSIE?! WHAT WAS THAT?! ASKDJAKDJ

• "3 Badass witches. And 1 moderately useful bird." (Idk if thats actually what she said. Laughing too hard.)

• OF COURSE LIZZIE SAYS THE TITLE!!!! ONLY SHE COULD!

• THATS IT?! THATS WHAT GETS HOPE UPSET?! LANDON GETS HIS NECK SNAPPED?? Booooring.

- He...he has wings...*sigh* Im just gonna...walk away silently...and question what the fuck thet are doing to this universe.

- Oh shit. That hourglass is breaking FAST.

• GOD EXPEL ALYSSA! SURE SHE'S A TROUBLED KID BUT SHE SHOULD'VE BEEN EXPELLED!

• OKAY I could get behind Hope and Alyssa getting along!

• THIS IS SO COOL!!! LIKE!!! SO SO COOL!!! SEEING AN ASCENDANT BE MADE!!!

- Its gonna pop as they try send it away?

- Okay i was wrong! Good!

• Landon. Buddy. Im a nearly 16 year old with crappy health AND I CAN STILL THROW A BETTER PUNCH THAN YOU! Gotta up your game buddy.

• I LOVE THE TWINS SO MUCH!!!

- Oh come on I was about to start happy crying at the twins and Hope possibly winding up in a cuddle pile, THEN THEY JUST?! POOF?!

• What has Emma done to Sebastian? Honestly as long as he doesnt get near Lizzie again and idc.

• ITS ALYSSA'S FAULT THE TWINS WENT POOF?! I hate her.

• Can Hope throw me against a wall?

• THEY THREW SEBASTIAN IN THE PRISON WORLD?! IN THE SAME ONE AS KAI?!

To sum up, WHAT THA FUCKITY FUCK FUCK?! This show is making me question my own damn sanity.

[smoothconcreteandperkysunsh-blog]

Eugh.

Why do we feel the need to do updates when we haven't been on an app for damn near a year? Anyway-

Doing better health-wise. Lungs aren't falling apart so much anymore, I'm coughing up much less gunk and I can breathe better again. I'm going to take this opportunity to try and not be so doom minded anymore. I figure as corny and cliché as it is to be so happy in the face of a much shorter life expectancy, I may as well try to make something of it for others before I die.

I think that's what most people fear when they really think and realize it too. It could be dying alone, or in front of their lover, or without ever getting to say their proper goodbyes to their lover. However all of that is rooted so deeply in the memories that those two have created with each other.

Getting tangential, I'll bring it back around. I've just got some things I need to write out of my head.

I lost the girl of my childhood's adoration recently to very selfish and self-centered desires and idealogies on her behalf. I decided to let her take reigns if her own decisions and she decided I didn't to be a part of her life to be fulfilled or happy as a person. I felt entirely abandoned and dropped off yet; From the very first moment we met on the swingset at Knox Elementary School in Chandler, Arizona I knew I wanted to be with her and make a life with her and maybe even a kid or two after we got the fuck out of the desert we were in and maybe even get our own house with a bunch of animals and a pool and all the cheesy shit that makes a lump form in your throat and cry when you say it out loud, fuck me dude.

I really thought through all of the California shit we could finally grow old and grey together and for the past 3 years we fucking were dude. We ran through the the streets at night together, ran our fingers through each others hair, held each other and felt each other in such sensual, non-sexual ways, we learned each others minds and bodies, we learned each others inner thoughts about the world around us. We went out to the desert where the surface streets ended and just stared up at the night sky in each others presence. We literally owned the night and no one had more fun with each other than we did, fight me over it. We laughed and cried together, watched our friends leave us and find others together, watched fires and floods together, been on top of and beside each other, rolled on the floor like we were ferrets together. Made love and didnt just fuck each other, unless we both knew we wanted it. And when we did, we knew the difference between the physical and mental meshing and bonding of a body and spirit, and pure primal and corporeal pleasure. We knew each others flaws and utmost weaknesses and we never went at them just to feel dominant to the other. We just, lived and loved together.

But now that's all gone. Has been for almost two months now.

Now I don't know if I should take the chance on my love life anymore. Not so much out of cowardice and the fear of being hurt. Neither of those feelings exist within what I recognize to be the core of my being anymore. She took those with her when she left. In many ways you could say she's made me more immune to feeling things than I ever was before we got together.

Which in itself is an oxymoron but like... What else is there to say to describe when you were born into this world with an innate sense of ambivalence towards others and literally only two people have ever stuck out among the hundreds you've come into pass with? With outstanding exception none the less.

I can say shamelessly that I've been with someone just for the sexual gratification of feeling desired by another but only because it was with just that one. And God damn did I learn my lesson with being with someone without feeling for them. Her name was Ariela and I was literally a God to her. She was submissive to a fault. Not to mention very co-dependant on penis being in her to have any sense of self value or worth. I did everything in my power at the time to help her mentally and help her become better as a person morally and value-wise. She didn't want it. She wanted to be the center of pity and negative attention at every chance so she could feel justified in snapping back at the slightest resistance to anything she held valuable. She drained me of too many necessary emotions that I needed to have about me to function as a young man and it absolutely had a hand in pulling me away from my friends in California.

And yet as sad and regressive as it is. I don't know if I can properly explain it, but I do still have love to spare within me for another. Im more than willing to create memories with this outstanding individual. She probably knows it but is significantly more than likely no longer interested in a future with me if ever at all to begin with. And I know this. And I don't have any say in changing that because if I'm being honest with myself she's literally the closest thing to a perfect human being in terms of intelligence, awareness and compassion for other outstanding humans that I have ever been graced with a "Hey" by; And I'm literally just a plain-faced caveman in comparison. And like, that's life. I fucked up on my end more than enough times than she should ever have to put up with from a friend.

All of that said, we never communicated properly what was in our heads about how we felt specifically about each other. We both were afraid of certain aspects of changing a friendship and out of that fear we- well, I cant speak for her but I- know that I decided to be passive and on the sidelines when I should've been more, well less of a bitchy and emotionally needy teenager about everything. Not so much making any moves in terms of making myself stand out amongst a literal crowd of others that were vying for her genuine attention. But out of all that I learned that I needed to be more of a man amidst the boys I was also around.

The adults in my life have always pointed out that I'm more mature than others in my generation, yet when it came time to BE the more mature amongst the others in my generation I failed. Failed hard. Failed so hard I doubled down on the bitchy and emotional-ness and more or less let those particular people in California try to live their lives like I'd never been in them, just as they were before I moved to California.

And I think it was then and there that I realized it. The being remembered thing.

I've had friends, and friends of friends, and "best" friends all come on to me, sexually. As in the dance with no pants variety of coming on to me. And I shut them down, dead in their fat assed, busty tracks. Because for one, I didnt want the sex. I wanted the connection, affection and attention. And two, the feelings for my childhood love and at-the-time crush (God I hate and love that word, it really truly does only work for highschool sweethearts doesn't it?). And all of those particular people were able to pass me up and drop me after the sex was denied. They didn't want to remember me, they wanted to remember the novelty of the orgasms and fleshly pleasure I gave them in the taboo of the social circles we were in. One in particular I knew just wanted to fuck me to piss off another, and that stuck out in my mind.

My point being! Those people haven't talked to me since I moved and those people didnt talk to me when I was there. They lacked a fear of not being remembered that I think the two mentioned far above did. I know that for a fact about Desiree. But I could be entirely wrong about the California girl in every which way, but ya know what dude? When you sit and watch sunsets with a guy every day for almost 3 weeks in a row and most of that time is spent talking about each others day, what's going on in our lives and awkward arm-over-the-shoulder cuddling; Spend a large number of nights watching anime and poking each other, spending many an overnights conversation with each other in person and over the phone. It's kind of bass ackwards to say there wasn't a flicker of something going on there.

And for me, those two are always going to be quite literally burned into my memory above others. Not all of them, more like aside from them. Congruent if you will. Because we made unintentionally or otherwise, very potent memories. On my end they did at least. See that there? That's what the purest and most potent form of fear inside an eternally broken man's heart looks like on paper. Well, screen.

Uncertainty.

Indiscernability of the soul.

Not really knowing. Anymore or to begin with.

These things literally kill us every day. Inside and out. Not risking the pain, not seeking the truth. Being afraid of losing and tarnishing a connection with someone you say you can love shouldn't be allowed-

Is what I would've said had I never gotten to feel what I knew was true love with the love of my life. If I hadn't been given a genuine shot with an outstanding and beautiful in every aspect individual. If I hadn't been given the chance to fuck up, I wouldn't have been given the chance to feel. This is equivalent exchange at its finest and if I could tell you both face to face, our time with and around each other was not a faustian bargain. Because even if I didn't get the future I envisioned with one of you, and another any future at all. I still got memories that will never not be a part of me and if I can offer you two anything,

You wont be forgotten. You will be remembered. So no longer live your lives with the fear of not being. It's an enormous weight off of your conscience.