#Especially “it's so incredibly loud”
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I am a firm believer that Donnie listens to glass animals but specifically the Dreamland album. Like he gives major "Your love, Deja vu" vibes & "tokyo drifting". This is all because I saw fanart one time and now I can't unsee it.
#Donnie#F!Donnie#Kazzy Rambles#He's so Dreamland core#Especially “it's so incredibly loud”#Like yeah it is you autistic little guy#It's okay im allowed to say it#Me too 🙏
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"We can get through this by working together, reach out to your friends, community is all we have, a social network will be your security in the world, now is the time to lean on others!"
I do agree, and it's scientifically sound (pretty sure there is data about how people with better social networks live longer and etc) but also....augh..... what about the severe social issues, difficulty to leave the house, physical issues which lead to like zero socialization energy a majority of the time, etc. etc. Social support can be a replacement for structural support, but.. I guess I just wish it didn't have to be. Community is extremely difficult to build, even moreso if you're someone who has issues with social cues or group conversations or even just being around others in the first place. And blah, nuance, of course I'm just complaining or maybe being too negative or maybe misunderstanding, but, I hardly have the energy to brush my hair once every 2 months.. how am I supposed to maintain a wide social network and be active in a Community and Join Groups lol... sometimes it kind of feels like "er.. well if thats my only option then...... ruh roh". It's overwhelming
#Kind of like some post I saw a long time ago talking about how even the meanest shittiest most difficult to get along with#elderly people or whaever still deserve to have some sort of systems in place to support them so they're not just relying on the#grace of relatives or etc. who may not be able to deal with them. Not saying that I'm like mean and cruel or anything#but the fact of the matter is in most social situations either I am compromising or the other person is. Not in like an ~`ouuu im so weirdd#nobody willever understand my quirky swagg hee heee~' way but like a.. Just factually the things that make me happy and comfortable#are often incompatible with people. The way I communicate and process things is different from the way other people do and that#is always a barrier. I cannot have ''easy''' interactions. Even with 'understanding' people there is nearly always a significant#amount of effort. You can't walk into a group of people and then be like ''okay you guys all have to wear#masks and you also cant play music too loud and also we should communicate turns of speaking very clearly so group conversations#arent too stressful. and also i need this and that and we have to do this and that and '' etc. etc. You CAN. And some people will#go along with that. but they will ALWAYS secretly resent you for it. You will be the one person they're relieved to not have to be around.#theyre glad when you dont show up since they can go back to doing things however they want and not masking and all these boring#annoying things. OR you can say none of that and just deal with the loud music and the talking and the unmasked people. but then#YOU'RE compromising. and no matter how nice they are it's exhausting to be around and youre just further alienated#while in the presence of people and uncofmrtoabel the whole time.#Which I'm not saying the only form of community is a group setting specificially but just giving that as an example lol#I just wish there were a better option than ''well learn to socialize normally or just suffer then'' . Which I know is not what people are#saying. I guess I just always feel a bit scared when 'community is the answer'. Since its not like 'oh im just socially anxious and need to#get out of my shell~!' or something thats really that remedy-able. It's like.. my mostly unchangeable physical health issues combined#with the mostly unchangable literal way that my brain processes sensory informationand other things means that interacting with#others in a normal and easy way is incredibly difficult and often exhausting especially to maintain in any longform fashion. So then#when it's like ''the answer to staying safe is to maintain longform social connections!! :3 just reach out!!'' then.. ermm... O_O#also I'm not even one of the cutesy shy emotional hermits that's nervous. I'm the Bad Stereotype emotionless robotic cold seeming#looms in the corner of the room type of thing so people have less pity on you in that way. -_- ANYWAY gghj#I need like.. a designated social representative or something.. When I did work in that bookshop forever ago they gave me a#person who basically was just with me to help communicate with others on my behalf and supervise me and stuff. I need that.. Some#more extraverted person I can latch onto and they can maintain the Social Support Network for me and I can just be their +1 to all#of the Social Things and community. I have helpful skills I can contribute to other people and stuff it's just like.. I cant socialize lol#I cook food or something for you.. then you keep me in contact with Community.. a deal. (but then what about when I'm too sick to#contribute? as is often the case. there's not much place for people like me in communities sometimes i fear.. sigh.) ***
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MILLY ALCOCK REAPPEARANCE AND THE FIRST RHAENICENT INTERACTION OF THE SEASON?? THIS EPISODE SPOILING US ESPECIALLY THE LESBIANS
#especially me specifically#this is incredible so happy rn#they are spoiling us with these this episode lets gooooo#(still haven't finished it. saving the last seven minutes for tomorrow lmao because the house is really loud rn and I can't hear it-#-very well)#ANYWAY THIS IS A HASHTAG WIN#I knew Milly was coming back at some point briefly but the Young Rhaenyra turning around jumpscare was still wild#AND THE HUMMING OHH I AM SUCH A SUCKER FOR CHARACTERS HUMMING#(CASE IN POINT THAT SCENE OF WHEN MARNIE WAS THERE)#very different to when milly sang in S1 of upright lmfaooo#anyway#cass thinks ab stuff#tv stuff#house of the dragon#hotd#Milly Alcock#rhaenya targaryen#rhaenicent#my live s2e3 reaction
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the little kid i work with escaped the ukraine two years ago. my family immigrated in the 50s/60s to escape the turkish occupation in my papou’s village in greece. and it is both immensely heartbreaking and also insanely healing to help someone the way my grandparents weren’t helped when they got to this country.
#ooc. o kaptain.#[my grandfather didn’t go to school. ever. because he spoke no English. he couldn’t read it. and the enl services were… definitely not about#to help a Greek man who only spoke Greek in the age without the internet at all. my yiayia was a brilliant woman. she could’ve easily owned#a business. she was a phenomenal seamstress with such an insane talent for practicality and logic. she was so left brained. my papou was#such a creative with a tendency for logic. he was practical but always the one who was sillier. they eventually spoke very good English#actually. my papou always sort of had an accent (Greek accents feel like home to me) and my yiayia always did. they were incredible people.#and every single day i think about how much MORE opportunity they would’ve both had had they been born under the permitting circumstances.#my yiayia only had a 5th grade education and that incensed my grandfather. getting to take care of and help a kid who otherwise wouldn’t#have someone care THIS MUCH. especially a kid who’s foreign. i look up words in Russian and she tells me how she says them. i teach her#words in Greek because she likes the way they sound. i just wish my grandparents had been given the same opportunity. just the ability to#have someone in front of either of them and was like ‘hey i know it’s tough and scary but im here and i get it’. I’m not working#this week because i have so much to take care of. but just thinking out loud. i love my job. but more than anything this particular#opportunity has been everything to me.]
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hd line of all time
#ann plays awakening#i hate his ass so bad#so so bad#i really enjoy him talking like a normal ass guy in modern 21st century dialects tho like it is incredibly funny to me#he is not the only character who does this and especially not in awakening#but i dunno. love seeing him talk to characters like straight luci and inigo just drops a loud FUCK when he sees an any or smthn. ykwim#ant****
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I just want to be allowed to scream at my sister the way she screams at me. I want to be allowed to slam doors and throw things and break things. I want to be allowed to react to the way she treats us and not be called selfish.
#hot fucking take but I don’t really see much dialogue on how fucking traumatizing it can be to live with an autistic person#whose autism outwardly manifests the most behaviorally#her not being able to help being dysregulated does not negate how fucking scary it is#to be on the receiving end of that behavior#and to be conditioned for your entire life that you’re bad if you react in any way#this is less about neurodivergence than it is about my fucking mother#especially because I’m likely on the spectrum as well#but if someone that wasn’t autistic did those same things it would be considered an abusive environment#I’m not saying that my sister is abusive#but I am saying that it is so incredibly emotionally damaging to live in this house#any harm done to me by the screaming and throwing and breaking things is not even allowed to be considered#because she ‘can’t help herself’#and the quotes there are again less about neurodivergence than my mother#because my sister actually has really solid coping skills… when my mother is not involved#my mother will make excuses and enables her in a way that is so frustrating#my sister would actually do much better if she were living in a dorm/group home like she previously was#but that costs a lot of money#and so she lives here with my enabling permissive mother#and is more dysregulated than she has been in YEARS#because so many of the skills and coping tools she learned at her resident program#she has completely stopped utilizing because she doesn’t have to#because instead of trying to work through it my mother will make excuses for her#so instead of trying to work through it she screams so loud my ears ring#and slams doors so hard they break#and throws things in a way that makes me scared she’s going to hurt one of us#but if I display any reaction to what in any other circumstance would be recognized as a frightening and harmful situation#I’m making things worse and I’m being selfish#I’m like. fine. in the way that I’ve had to be my whole life.#which is mostly dissociating and spending as little time home as possible#but every time it happens it makes me wish I was not alive
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i love seeing (certain) people bitch about parasites and its like. yeah. now youre rousing the urge to infect you with them
#n a s t y thing to say out loud. I actually have 0 problems and in fact heavily endorse education on malicious spirits and even just...#general dangers that dont come from malicious acts. i know imposters exist Ive dealt with them. I know... insert five million things.#but theres a deep-rooted instinct in me when people start bitching about Lower Beings and Demons and Things That Feed Off You#not as what they are - higher than you are on the food chain - but as mindless gross parasites to be squashed Below you...#I have parasites as a function of myself. Would you like to feel the Static? This isnt about or directed loosely at the random person i saw#I dont know if they were like (what I have an issue with) or coming from that angle. its not about them this is a general thought#that i was reminded of. Have you considered there is an environment and that things like bacteria and insects and so on have#an integral place in the recycling of the universe - as well as /keeping you alive/? have you considered that just because something#will eat you and especially eat what you naturally give off... that doesnt make them an Evil Demon? Have you considered youre#just not the top dog of the universe. god's favourite. where everything else around you exists to be eaten by you or turned#into buildings and concrete to house you or trained and domesticated to protect you and so on. Have you considered#that maybe what you call parasites arent biologically evil things to be eradicated. Heres the thing - and the reason this isnt about the#person who triggered this thought train to move - I think you should bite what bites you. I think you have every right to kill a spirit#that harms you and eat them and chew them up (like I'd do to you if it was inverted). Life is like that. We eat and are eaten. We also#suffer and long to have that lifted. But when people go onnn and onnnn and onnnnnnnn about Demons and these programmed entities#that apparently just refuse to be nice and have fallen to temptation and to feeding off you because theyre abusive (and...#simultaneously. mindless.)... haha. would you like to get to know actual parasites? because the Sky is like that.#you hold its oxygen in your veins it's your choice if you want me to trigger the Choir singing inside you. and thats not even talking about#the Static I mentioned.#~abyssal murmurs#either way. Things will feed off you yes. Do warn people about it. Spirits are like everything in the animal kingdom and earth's ecosystems#- complex. Not human-serving. Not bound to your ideas of morals. Sometimes incredibly violent and abusive and traumatic and malicious.#but my godddd shut up about how youre love and light and that attracts Evil Demons like yes. Your food is beautiful to the fruit fly#but maybe nature doesnt operate off your self-centred morality complex. You are not the centre of their universe
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Honestly i really do know im being annoying with this but the logistics of swapping out Avon and Raistlin and watching what theh do is the greatest form of Playing With Dolls I've ever ever had. Its a serotonin treadmill. You've heard of watching a brilliant, dark tortured genius asshole slowly create his own downfall what about landing in the middle of such a slipperyslope and starting to turn it into an entirely different one. AND THERE'S PVP ALLOWED, one of my main options rn is Avon-as-Raistlin starts planning how to re-open the connection and either undo this or pass some more things between the worlds- and Raistlin-as-Avon is like FINDERS KEEPERS BITCH. Paying It (The Lichdom Curse) Forewards, im staying in your life and im winning at it, fuck off. And Avon's like, ex-fucking-scuse me?
#what if. in this route avon is repoening the connection through magic raist-as-avon is gonna start regaining the capscity for magic too.#and it can be a Metaphysical Wizard Duel AND like an emotional climax whhen their parties catch up#and like. avon coming back for his friends carried on a storm. the fact that despite dverything he would fight for it-#even if hes doing it for an Incredibly Specific Way he wants to benefit power from merging both worlds that STILL a level of#coming back for his friends and lives and such yknow. its gonna affect them.#and raistlin possibly seeing caramon again-#i dont think avon would be as desperate to strike out on his own thats a raist psychological thing-#and maybe trying to appeal through the barrier like. hey! if you want what's good for me. GET HIS ASS. I want to stay here!#and that classic kind of tension between them. caramon wanrs his brother back and raistlin thinking of it as caramon wanting him Weak#and Dependant on his protection. the whole aspect of like body and strength swap is very. interesting and a bit#yuck politically but thats part of the fun. this isnt a cure narrative this is game of thrines musical chairs over resources-#the bodies the magic the many differences in Circumstances that seperate the two wars-#not just genre but straight up strategical details. the privileges of space age comforts vs having an almost even chance at victory. etc et#YOU SEE ME. IM HAVING FUNNNNN#THIS IS SO FUN. IT SHOULD BE A NOVELLA LENGTH ZINE FROM THE 90S UNFORTUNATELY ITS JUST ME IN MY HEAD. BUT#cally can probably sense something is wrong from the start. mentally....#the grudging respect raist would have for blake vs unlike avon he is entirely capable of backstabbing the hell out of them all.#avon would find the Expanded DL Party loud and weirdly social and annoying and pass off as raist through that easily#but also just. as i said i think he's way less likely to actually Act to further only himself like raist would#especially as Not Native to this setting like. no use aloanating possible resources. hes just gonna steer them All As A Group towards#paths of survival and advantage in the war that are Also to his personal magic based benefits i think#im having FUN#yknow what i might make this my Pinned. im Going Through A Moment.#dragons of the sad embezzler
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Do you ever see something so cute you wanna squish it?
It's how I am with my cat a lot, his little face is just too cute
He usually finds some way to lay on me. Half the time I wake up with him laying on my face.
#not redacted asmr#eren the cat#hes lucky hes so cute#cuz hes also incredibly loud especially when im trying to sleep#hes a husky in cat form istg hes so lippy
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if stampede wasnts Trigun it couldve been a solidly mid anime. but bc it is it makes me so irrationally angry
#og#vash could be cute. if he wasnt meant to be vash.. he is not vash At all to me saury#i get animation limitations they had to change his hair or whatever but also erm.. did it need to be 3d animated lmaos out loud#Controversial but i find most* 3d animation incredibly ugly ESPECIALLY 3d anime styles#ik im not everybody on earth but likee. idk. why did it have to be 3d.#asnd ikikik it doesnt have to be a carbon copy of the mange 98 def wasnt. it doesnt need to be acarbon copy of 98 bc welll girl i cn just#watch 98. but UGHHH it literally feels like they got ridof the entire space western part. which#sry girlie. thats literally the point of trigun is that its a space western sry. the characters r literally specifically made t be in a#space western. WHTEVER! and overall while the vash design is cute or whatever straight up its just so generic to me. it doesnt say anything#abt him or the setting or anyfing at all. sry;. and it doesnt even fuck heavy#like hes cute but hes cute in like a. idek...#i think vash is meant to have thicklines and stampede vash has like none and thats the main problem. u see#AND i just dont think trigun needs tol be adapted again boom sound effect.#but also i havent even finished the manga so what do i nose#sry.. sry
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someone is doing burnouts on the street outside
#god i wish that were me#stream of consciousness incoming#so im like 95% finished with my text now im gonna have my boyfriend look over it tomorrow (especially my latin translation)#but then ill just have to put the citations and then ill be fine it's actually not that much effort and it was quite easy to write#like i could have gotten it done in two days (one for source work one for writing) if it wasn't for adhd#and also i realized how incredibly sensitive i am to noise this year but like specific people noise#as soon as i can understand what the noise is i can simply not concentrate and i have pretty good ears like i pick up sounds well#so when i sit in the uni library with the windows open because i live in germany and we have no ac here and theres people talking outside?#bye i will not concentrate for like 3 hours#cant go to the library cant go to my uni workplace because my friends are there and i love them but even when i am focusing they are#SO LOUD#like theres two of them (again love them. great people) who emit loud sounds while working esp when frustrated but also randomly#and it will throw me off so badly#so today i stayed home for writing and it worked so well (noise canceling over earplugs window closed to shut out children outside)#but also i hate how easy i am to distract#however i have more discipline thab last year so at least thats okay
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ah... college verse byan opening their first little online store to sell accessories & clothing pieces they've made, then being surprised when people actually buy them
#I'm just a sucker for them finding some success in something they're genuinely passionate about okay#especially when underneath the intense confidence they display there's this part of them that's been there since childhood#fully believing that they'll never be good enough or worth anything#but now they're leaning in to something they care about and?? people actually like it???#baffling. but also incredibly encouraging in a way they've not really experienced much before#maybe it even inspires them to stick with their fashion classes when things start getting more difficult#idk I'm thinking out loud at this point but look I'm real fuckin soft for their college verse#it has this potential to do so much good for them and I just. I love that for them#especially considering I originally saw them dying young bc they simply refused to adapt to adulthood & the world around them#idr where I was going with this lmao#━━ ˟ ⊰ ✰ OOC ⋮ DON’T @ ME.
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.
#nobody has to read this lol i jist need to vent#bc i was at the fall out boy concert tonight (incredible showstopping stunning etc etc etc)#and they played g.i.n.a.s.f.s. for the first time in concert EVER#and its like. i have a rocky relationship w the concept of a home and rockier relationship with my mother#but the last two apartments ive been in ive worked really hard to make them feel like homes and safe happy places for myself#and everytime i was driving back to one of those (especially if i had to be at my parents house for the day) id put on infinity on high#and specifically make sure to listen to g.i.n.a.s.f.s. bc of ' everybody wants to drive on through the night if its a drive back home '#so i was. very emotional.#and scream singing to it.#and my mom (who took me to the concert) stops me and tells me im singing too loud and annoying her and the people around us#just like. FUCK dude.#i was having a fucking moment to a song thats so fucking special to me and specifically bc of my issues with YOU#and boom there u go being shitty ruining my moment giving me rsd. that wouldve been THE moment of my life. but you cant let me have shit.
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ME!
how it feels to listen to an album in order
^ me & the artist sharing their beautiful vision for a cohesive work of art
#literally just talking about this and then i open tumblr and it's right there on my dash#<—previous tags#OH HELLO!!!!!! YES!!!#posts I’m tagged in#music things#ME THIS IS SO ME#AJR The Click… listened to in order… my cherished cherished beautiful album…. you beautiful work of art you#also… AJR The Maybe Man… brilliant stunning incredible beautiful emotional#the way the first song on the album Begins with a question#and then the rest of the songs attempt to answer that question#and then the Very last song gives a concrete answer to the original question#SPECTACULAR!!! HAS MADE ME CRY!!!#so many other albums by the way#Fool In Her Wedding Gown by Crane Wives… MammalIan Sighing Reflex by Wilbur Soot… HEYHEYHEY!!!#<—especially the latter!! MSR is probably the most beautiful album I’ve ever listened to#seriously seriously listening to albums in order is a Peak experience for me#so so good#it’s good music AND it gradually tells a story AND it’s fun AND#it makes my mind less loud!! for a brief time my mind is Quiet!!#and that alone makes album-listening a 10/10 experience thank you very much !#ALBUMS!!! MUSIC!!! ORDERS!!! ME!!!#rambling in tags
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my bad i forgot i'm not allowed to talk in this group chat
#it feels like#the same 3 people vibe incredibly well with 2 of those people being childhood best friends#and then no one else can speak#and ive been trying to make plans to leave because it feels like no one likes me#ive explained how i found two of them incredibly annoying to my old roommate#the repeated ignoring of my boundaries and even saying#'sorry i know u don't like when we sing' in the vc#then just repeatedly singing for like. the entire time they're online#it's SO LOUD when u sing on vc ur gamer headset is not meant to balance it out#especially when u sing with ur head voice#they all give me musical theater major vibes#or music major vibes#of singing all the time#the 2 girls who are best friends will just bring up mutual friends all the time and expect us to remember their names or they get really#confused#even having a mutual friend in the vc while the rest of us are trying to game together like#idk#kaya rambles#they all seem really self absorbed in that sense#where whenever they're online it's about what *they* want to talk about
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if I'm chattering about my friends/crush here all the time anyway, I have to admit that I have a severe aversion to philosophy after whatever the fuck happened the last year of secondary school (so the year right before university) and I have personal beef with Plato, but my crush is actually interested in that and tbh... I will not go out of my way to study it, but I would probably hang onto every word my crush would say about it and I should maybe tame my first reaction of distaste (though, the intro to philosophy class I had last year wasn't That Great either, so I don't have a lot of good experiences academically with that subject)
#morningtalks#Gotta at least share some fun stuff and now just the Might Have Gone Horribly Wrong In So Many Ways event at the end#God I love this girl so much#And we're starting to spend more time together. It's fun#We spent a decent chunk of last night playing a 5000 year old boardgame#I eventually won but it was close the entire time#And while she was often the one enduring awkward stories about her being told she kinda did it to herself a bit#And I did try to defend her whenever I could#With a mutual friend of ours we might also have developed a new very weird inside joke#But like. Really weird...#But the night was genuinely so much fun#Even when we were at the bar. I hate bars I hate dancing I hate loud music I hate the lights but my friends were there#And she especially was there and it was fun. I had so much fun#I am still very much shaken by what happened (it was less than 24 hours ago ...)#But I am genuinely mad that they soured the entire memory of this night so much#I had fun. We laughed we joked I was so close to her the entire night she did sexy dances at me and I got a bruise#But it all had to be ruined in the most terrifying of ways#Again. I was most importantly scared for her safety. Mine was secundary as long as she somehow wouldn't get hurt#But I want to think about the good things that happened that night too. It was so incredible and I don't regret any of it#Well maybe having moved a bit while she danced (and even then I barely moved. She just calculated the distance poorly) which led to said#Bruise. But it was in such a funny context and she said she was fine after so it's all just one funny event in a super fun night
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