#Enough to beat the rsd anyway

[ninjaaa-go]

living in rejection city this morning ✌️

[superblondee]

🦋 Ways I Deal With My ADHD 🦋

Executive disorder:

When I absolutely HAVE to do work, like it’s due by the end of class, the biggest i way i help myself focus is by listening to music

helpful and not distracting music to listen to: lofi, instrumental, coffee shop playlists, and most indie songs have a relaxing beat and melody that won’t distract you from your work.

I highly HIGHLY recommend an app called Eggzy. you set a timer of how long you want to focus for, and depending on the time, you hatch a different animal. pictures of animals ive hatched:

I also made an easy, simple reward system for myself. for example, if I power through my bio homework, I get a popsicle. if I do the dishes within 30 minutes of my mom asking, I get another snack of my choice. food works for me personally but feel free to make your own rewards!

Oversharing:

the biggest way I help myself from oversharing over text (which is one of the easiest ways to accidentally overshare) is to constantly reread the conversation and think “is what I’m about to send relevant?” or “would it fit the flow of the conversation or would it throw the other person off” be aware of the tone of the conversation, what the other person is saying, and what their reaction to what you’re about to say might be

Oversharing in person is similar, read body language, the tone of the conversation. This also heavily depends on who you’re talking to, so keep in mind; am I close enough with this person to be saying stuff like this? or; if they said this to me, would I be uncomfortable? if the answer is yes, then you might not want to say whatever you were about to say

RSD:

As for rsd, I know it’s the bane of our existence. well that, and online math classes. ANYWAYS the MOST important thing I’ve learned is: DONT BOTTLE IT UP. this only causes for more future regret and can induce a ton of unnecessary stress. Let. It. All. Out.

I recommend journaling, whether it be on your phone or a real journal (I personally just use the notes app on my phone). When you journal, you can say whatever the fuck you want without having to worry about the repercussions. Let out your sadness, anger, all your feelings without holding back. I promise this helps release stress as opposed to hanging onto it inside your head.

Another important (and possibly the hardest) thing to remember: re-evaluate the situation as unbiased as possible. is it worth getting upset about? am I thinking too much into it? the answer a lot of the time will be yes.

for example, I get this way when a friend won’t respond within a few minutes. First step: rationalize. I often forget to respond within minutes, so I need to give my friend the same leniency she gives me. Second step: remind yourself that you have done nothing wrong. This is the hardest thing to do, I understand. But I know that my text was probably not an emergency for her to respond to, so she might not prioritize to read it right away. this. is. ok. I haven’t made her mad or upset, I haven’t annoyed her. keep this in mind.

Another way that helps me deal with rsd is keeping myself occupied. If I start to feel very sad or regretful about something, I think to myself: let’s not think about this and ruin my so far wonderful day. Journal, take a walk, read, listen to music, anything that will clear your head and stop making you unhappy.

I have certain “activities” that I know will make me instantly happy. when I’m experiencing rsd I often go find my dog and spend some time with her. She will take my mind off whatever is bothering me and will make me happy 100% of the time.

So I don’t want to make this too long so I’m cutting it off here, but please comment things I should address in my part two 😊 I hope you all find these helpful and easy to implement in your own life. And remember, NT’s don’t understand the struggles we go through. Do not let them belittle you or your achievements just because of your symptoms 💜

[rays-animorphs]

Book 8 part 6: kindness

Anyways, so, I was in the shower saying “book kuh store” and “book kuh” repeatedly. And…I think someone really needs to introduce Ax to beat boxing. He’d love it so much.

So, back in book one when Jake morphed into the family dog and all his feelings were immediate and up to 11. It felt very like the big feelings/ fast to heat up slow to cool down aspect of ADHD. And especially when Tom called him a bad dog. The instant mood drop. Very much reminded me of RSD.

Anyways. It’s hard for me to talk about this. For a long time I hid. I assumed I was overreacting. “Too sensitive”. I mean, nobody else seemed to think that was a proportionate response. All I was getting from self help books was some garbage about how you shouldn’t care so much what other people think of you, as though you can just decide what you do and don’t care about. As though I could just decide to not feel utterly devastated for hours or days at a time when I believed that someone important to me thought I wasn’t measuring up.

Because I’d often have thoughts of killing myself during those times, I figured it was depression, and I’m pretty sure I’ve had many symptoms consistent with depression on top of the, you know, suicidal ideation. And there were worse places to start looking for information. But, RSD fits much better. It explains things a lot better. And it’s, you know… the idea that maybe I’m not just “too sensitive” maybe it is actually that some things I feel at an intensity that is not typical of what other people experience under the same circumstances (maybe I’m not just a wuss) it’s… I don’t know. It’s something.

There aren’t words.

I’d apologize for getting into suicidal ideation and stuff over a freaking kids’ series, but then again, it’s not like the series itself doesn’t go there.

Back to your regularly scheduled Animorps.

Books are nice, I like books, they are not faster than computers my goodness.

OK, apparently this came out in 1997, years before Wikipedia, that’s forgivable-ish. It does indicate a lack of imagination or foresight, but then…I don’t think anyone really predicted what was going to happen with computers and the Internet back in the 90’s. Things changed fast and thoroughly.

I got another science fiction book, space opera, from around the same time that predicts a “pocket computer” with all the features of a smartphone…that costs so much that only the very wealthiest people can afford it. The book is meant to be humorous. Embarrassingly for the author, that’s unambiguously the funniest part of the entire book.

(I mean, the rest of the book is entertaining enough, in a libertarian power/wealth fantasy kind of way. There's misfits finding each other and supporting each other stuff.)

Hey, Ax, I’m sure Andalites used to have some incredibly embarrassing beliefs too.

“Of course, Andalites will always be greater.” Why is that endearing? It shouldn’t be. Applegate how did you do that???

(Ax talking about how morphing in artistic way is an actual profession on his world.) Ooh. I like that.

AU where they defeat the Yeerks fast and after Cassie finishes her education she goes to the Andalite world and becomes an estreen and that’s what the entire series is about, just Cassie being really artistic about her morphs and cross cultural relations and dealing with her fans and figuring out how to be OK with people thinking she’s really cool and stuff.

Sweet! Finally some evidence that Ax is actually intelligent! He can do amazing programming in a language he’s never even used before. OK. That is intelligence. Yes. Good.

Pushed human science ahead by a century? Good grief. (Although. “books are faster than computers” hmm.)

(Cassie knowing what a radio telescope is) Thank you, Cassie!

Ax is so incredibly young and so incredibly far from home and so incredibly in over his head.

...

Andalites have open fields on their space ships because they need open spaces to run in to be able to eat.

but also, thinking about the “what if Earth grass is not very nutritious for Ax and he’s undernourished” — only being able to feed at night, because he can’t be seen running around in open spaces during the day, might have a similar “not enough food” effect. And of course the food he eats as a human probably wouldn’t affect him when he gets back to Andalite morph, because it’s not affecting the DNA.


Wait, how did Ax fake being Jake? It was for days, right, did he not go to school?

Wait, how is it possible for there to sometimes be all four moons in the sky but never fewer than two? Surely the moons are visible exactly half the time, so if there’s four moons you’d see two of them at a time on average and sometimes seeing four means sometimes seeing fewer than two. Unless two moons are fixed over one part of the Andalite planet and all the Andalites live there?

Huh. Elfangor was an adult, a full-fledged warrior, when Ax was born. That’s quite an age difference.

…older parents. Hmm.

“what I wanted to be when I grew up”, huh, I would not necessarily have guessed that Andalites choose their own life paths.

Hork-Bajir have War Pon Farr. OK then.

“Yes, I was lonely. But I didn’t think the humans knew.”

It’s not exactly rocket science, Ax.

That’s nice of Cassie. (Inviting Ax to dinner.)

OK, actually going to bed now.

[thetriggeredhappy]

angst&hurt/comfort, where scout is anxious and doubts his skills, so he tries to calm himself by holding/hugging/whatever his plushie (or something else, idk), whilst someone is trying to get to him, to make him confess what is bothering him? idk if you wanna make it a ship ir maybe dad spy, ily -🦂

oh dude you already KNOW dad!spy hours are 24/7 up in here. welcome to “projecting RSD onto Scout TF2 episode 85″

-

Stupid summer, stupid break, stupid losing streak. Stupid everything.

Usually Scout was excited about breaks. A week or so of getting to be off work, heading home to visit family or going on a road trip or whatever was happening. It was nice, he loved it. But this time they had explicit orders from their boss not to go anywhere or do anything. To stay on base or to go specifically exclusively to the store in the nearest town for food or whatever. He hated it. The base was too small to hang out in for more than a few days at a time. He hated it.

And not to mention that they’d finished off work on a bad note. A day of losses turning into a week of losses, half the team scrambling to try and pull together enough to get one last good push in before the break and the other half deciding to just accept the loss and do better once they got back.

And every day after battle Soldier would single out someone who wasn’t on top of their game and lecture them. And all week, instead of going for the people who were largely slacking off and not breaking their necks to try and get them some actual wins, he went after Scout, who was so frantic that he kept making stupid mistakes.

And he just... usually he argued about it, and got in a fight with Soldier, but he just... didn’t have the energy for it. The day was over. They’d lost. And Scout knew it wasn’t entirely his fault, but it kind of felt like it. Maybe if he’d tried just a little bit harder, pushed himself just a little further, he could’ve gotten the rest of the team motivated. Maybe they all would’ve picked things back up and tried too. But he couldn’t do it.

It was frustrating. He knew his job, beyond what he did on the field, was trying to keep morale up. He kept music playing, he was always up for hanging out or playing a few hands of poker or headed into town with someone to get shitty fast food. And he tried really hard to be funny and to keep things lighthearted, tried so fucking hard to keep spirits up. And he knew if he said anything about it, pointed out how literally like all of his time was spent trying to make sure everyone was feeling okay, it would...

He didn’t know. Maybe they’d just tell him off for being whiny or whatever. Maybe it would stop working so well, if they knew he was always doing it so extremely on purpose, so intentionally. He didn’t know.

But at that moment, he was feeling so much like utter garbage that he knew he had to just avoid the team so he didn’t drag the mood down further. Usually they didn’t really miss him anyways, other than idly asking if he’d gotten into any trouble while he was off doing “whatever he did”. All he knew was that him feeling like shit around everyone else would just make them feel bad too. And it was break anyways—maybe they’d just end up feeling better on their own. Especially since he wasn’t around to interrupt them.

He had plenty of food in his room, mostly chips and candy bars and stuff like that, stuff he didn’t want the guys stealing. And he’d totally share if they asked, for sure, but for that moment he was mostly just digging through the hoard for himself and doing not much of anything else.

He felt like kind of an idiot, sitting alone and eating his feelings like some kind of angsty teen in a movie or the chick in the romcom who just got broken up with. But there was nobody there to ridicule him except himself. And he did, but... the point stood.

A few days passed like that. He had food, he had the little bathroom connected to his room, he had comics to entertain himself. He slept a lot, mostly. Felt like garbage. Read some comics. Ate chocolate about it. Slept some more. He left a few times to do a few assorted things—called home like he did every week, went into the common room late one night to grab some of his records back so he could listen to them.

At one point, he got a knock on his door. He didn’t answer, couldn’t seem to find the energy to. A second knock when the first was unanswered after about twenty seconds. He still didn’t move.

The next day, another knock. This one was accompanied by words. “Scout? I know you’re in there,” Spy called, sounding annoyed.

To be honest, Scout was pretty sure he didn’t have the energy to deal with whatever Spy was about to lecture him about. So he just rolled over.

“You’ve missed every team meal for almost four days. You’re being rude,” Spy declared.

Scout reached off the side of the bed and picked up a plushie that had fallen down. It was a big, chunky pig, and he’d won it when he and Pyro had gone out to a fair and he’d knocked the ball toss game out of the park. Pyro had taken three of the plushies he’d won, and insisted he keep the fourth for himself.

He felt like even more of a dumb baby, sitting there cradling a stuffed animal like he was scared to head off to his first day of kindergarten, but he was already too tired and filled with vague unrest for it to get to him much.

At some point he heard a heavy sigh and the clack of fancy shoes moving away down the hallway, and Scout relaxed.

Twenty minutes later, a knock.

“Scout, let me in,” Spy said firmly.

“Fuck off, Spy,” Scout snapped.

“Scout, if you don’t open the door, I’m going to,” Spy declared.

“Bullshit.”

A heavy sigh, and then a few moments later the door swung open.

“What the fuck?” Scout asked, lifting his head to glare towards the door as Spy stepped inside.

“I know how to pick locks, Scout. You know this.” Spy squinted to try to get used to the light, the blinds having been drawn. “I’m turning a light on.”

Scout just grumbled, dropping his head back into the plush pig. In his periphery, the light was indeed turned on. There was a beat of silence.

“I brought a plate from dinner. I was concerned you would get scurvy, since you now apparently have the diet of an eight year old child who was given a hundred dollars and left unsupervised at the grocery store,” Spy said dryly.

“I don’t want your fuckin’ handouts, Spy,” Scout muttered, muffled.

“It’s not a handout, it’s the fact that I refuse to have anyone on the team besides me whose teeth are falling out. Take the food.”

“Fuck off.”

Spy sighed again, and after a moment he moved to put the plate on the bedside table. Scout prickled at the proximity, but didn’t give him the satisfaction of looking up.

“I noticed that while you haven’t been at dinner, you still took the time to leave a thumb tack on my chair. Usually when you do that it’s because you’re angry with me. What exactly have I done?”

“I’m not mad at you, I’m just mad,” Scout grumbled.

“You know, it’s very childish to refuse to look at someone when they are trying to talk to you.”

“Guess I’ll just keep being the dumb idiot kid of the team then, huh?” Scout snapped.

Silence for a moment. “Scout. You’ve locked yourself away in your room and refused to come out again for several days. I know that something is wrong. The team does too—they’re starting to worry.”

“That might just be the most obvious lie you’ve ever fuckin’ told me, Spy,” Scout practically spat, and was glad to have his voice muffled, because suddenly it went a little tight.

“Is it that hard to believe that perhaps your teammates care about you?” Spy asked, a little sharply.

“It’s me, in case you haven’t noticed,” Scout said next, getting his voice back under control. “People don’t hang around me on purpose. They put up with me. And then they stop putting up with me at some point.”

“That’s not true,” Spy said, tone leaving no room for argument, but Scout elbowed some argument in anyways.

“All seven of my brothers, every fuckin’ date I’ve ever been on, the standing ban sayin’ I can’t go in Engie’s workshop or in Heavy’s workspace down by the boiler or the infirmary unless I’m actually seriously injured—“ Scout listed off, ticking off on his fingers, keeping his face hidden. “My own fucking dad decided he couldn’t fucking stand me and I was two years old, Spy, what the hell does that tell you? I’m an annoying little piece of shit and that’s all I’m ever gonna be and then one of these days I’m gonna die for real out in this hellhole desert and ain’t a single damn person out here will have ever even bothered to learn the name that’s supposed to go on my gravestone.”

Dead silence in the room. Scout’s arm fell back down by his side. His voice was shaky when he spoke again.

“Nobody’s ever even asked,” he managed. “Demo’s real name is Tavish, Heavy’s real name is Mikhal but his sisters call him Misha. And plenty of you guys get asked about it all the time but you don’t wanna say. And nobody’s ever even fuckin’ asked me.”

Silence for a few more seconds.

“I’m a whole person,” Scout said next. “I’m really into sci-fi. I’ve read every mainline issue comic book ever published after ‘35. I know how to cook and draw and I know the all the stats of every person on every major league baseball team. I was in theater in high school between track and baseball season in the winters and I and got a lead role on some Shakespearicles thing before it got cancelled because of budget cuts. I bet you didn’t even know that.”

“I didn’t,” Spy admitted.

“And why would you? Who the fuck cares? It’s just dumb scrawny idiot Scout, who the fuck cares what his deal is? He can barely do his job and read any word that’s over four syllables, who cares what he does? He ain’t nothin’ today, he must never have been somethin’ in the first place.”

“Scout—“

“Tell me I’m wrong, Spy,” he snapped, voice cracking down the middle.

“You’re wrong. Scout, what’s going on?” Spy asked, and his voice sounded closer, like he’d taken a knee. “What happened?”

He understood, logically, that telling Spy damn near anything was a bad idea. He sold information for a living. But logic hadn’t ever been much help to him, and anyways, he was pretty sure he was about to break down either way, and he could either cry like a dumb little baby and Spy could go to the rest of the team and tell them about stupid Scout and his crying for no reason, or he could at least sort of maybe a little bit sound justified and a little bit less completely unhinged.

“We lost all week because I fuckin’ suck at my job, and we don’t get to go off base for some goddamn reason, and I miss my family, and I—“ God damn it, he hoped to at least get to a second sentence before he broke, but here came the waterworks. “—and I know the team doesn’t give a shit, and if they even noticed they probably think I’m being some idiot baby, and I’m just so fuckin’ tired of all of this, alright? I’m just so goddamn exhausted, all the time, and no matter what I do I can’t make my own stupid, shitty, broken-ass brain shut up, and I...”

There was a hand on his shoulder, now. For some reason that’s what unstuck the sob in his throat.

“And I just miss my mom,” he managed, and sobbed again. “And I know that just makes me a stupid fucking baby—“

“Scout, it doesn’t,” Spy said firmly.

“Bullshit.”

A sigh, less exasperated than the others. “Scout, I miss my own parents. Often. Heavy writes to his mother, the Bushman calls home once a week and stays on the phone for an hour at a time. Do you think they would do that if they didn’t miss them?”

Scout couldn’t seem to find his voice, and just sniffled a little.

“If anything, it’s good that you miss your mother. You are appreciating her now, while she’s still part of your life, rather than later on when she’s gone. That’s a good thing.”

“Here I am cryin’ over dumb shit—“

“The fact that you’re even capable of tears shows that you haven’t completely sealed yourself off from your emotions like several of our testosterone-puppet teammates. I’m fairly certain that Medic surgically removed his own tear ducts. I think Soldier is so dehydrated that he’s incapable of it. And rather than sweat he needs to cover himself in liquid-like food products or else he’ll die of heat stroke.”

Despite everything, that made Scout laugh, just a little. More of a hiccup than anything else.

“Admittedly, you have greater social needs than several of our team, and they need to take breaks. Not just from you, but from everyone. It’s part of being human, everyone requires some amount of time alone or else they start losing their minds. But that doesn’t mean that they don’t care about you—value the things you do for this team, even. Every time someone would like company when going in to town for any reason, they always ask me where you are. And you’ve given good film recommendations to everyone except for the Sniper.”

“Guy hates movies,” Scout defended weakly.

“You keep recommending horror films. As it turns out, he is a fan of romantic comedies.”

“Fuckin’ what? Seriously?”

“I was shocked too. His complete lack of taste in all areas of his life continues to amaze me.”

Scout scoffed at that. A beat of silence.

“What I am saying is that the team doesn’t simply put up with you. You’re impossible to simply put up with, you take up too big a part of everyone’s life here. Instead, they must like and respect you.” A pause. “And your father must have truly been an idiot. Anyone with two eyes would be proud of the challenges you’ve faced and overcome with all of the disadvantages you’ve been dealt over your lifetime.”

Scout sniffled, wiped his eyes with his forearm, finally managed to look up at Spy. “Anyone with two eyes? You sayin’ you’re proud of me, then?” he asked, even if it was a little shaky.

“I feel no strong emotions,” Spy deadpanned.

“Alright, nevermind about earlier. That’s the most obvious lie you’ve ever told me.”

Spy rolled his eyes, standing, brushing off the knee of his suit.

Scout looked at the plate, made a face. “Aw man, what the fuck, is that asparagus? Is Medic back on trying to make us eat healthy again?”

“The Engineer cooked it, stop complaining and just eat it,” Spy said, quickly falling back into his role of naggy just on the near side of patronizing.

“C’mon, it couldn’t have been like, mashed potatoes or broccoli or somethin’?”

“You always douse those things in salt and butter. That combined with the energy drinks means you’re going to get a heart condition before I do.”

“Just get the fuck outta my room, Spy,” Scout huffed, putting the stuffed animal aside and moving to pick up the plate and utensils.

“Very well. And go talk to Demoman at some point, he’s been whining about nobody wanting to go get fast food with him for two days,” Spy said as he walked to the door. “And you can’t borrow my car to go.”

“Fuck you, Spy,” Scout said flippantly, waving him off.

“Fuck you too,” Spy said just as casually, and made sure to close the door behind him.

[elftwink]

also time 2 ramble about my dnd characters for a bit. this got very long so to summarize it’s a bunch of paragraphs where i talk about playing an already established fiction character in dnd rather than creating one

i found it much harder than i anticipated to find a read on peter’s character that i liked today partially because mcu spidey is fairly distinct from other versions of him (or at least the ones i’m familiar with) and i knew we were just sort of doing a mish mash of comic and movie stuff so it wasn’t critical to get mcu peter down to a t (i mean it wouldn’t be anyway since we’re just friends hanging out but like it’s nice to lean in to the roleplay) but i was still a little caught between characterizations and i kept finding that whenever i tried to lean into mcu version a little more i ended up falling into reef, my sorcerer that i also play with this group

and at first i was irritated w/myself cos i was like “what you can only play one character? huh? just one dude is all you can do?” since reef and peter are very different people but then i realized they’re specifically similar in one way, and that is being a teenager in a party of adults who you respect and look up to. and specifically i think both [mcu] peter and reef are in a constant state of trying to prove to other people and themselves that they are supposed to be here and they are a valuable team member and they don’t need extra help. but while reef almost always does this through combat (and occasionally, a well-placed charisma roll), for peter it was more investigation based. which sucked because my investigate/perception mods were not good (they were fine but when you have a +11 to something a +3 stops being anything) and we just left most rolls to the person with the highest mod but i had a good roll or a useful insight here and there and that was like. oh yes this is what peter wants to be doing. you know when you’re so tuned in to a character that you can sense what they want to do like they’re standing in front of you and telling you? mhm

i also did NOT expect to feel this much internal pressure to be in character but i think its because like basically nobody can tell if reef is ooc because i made him up and i play him. they have no point of reference. the only characterization of reef that exists is my characterization of him. extremely not true with peter parker. plus i KNEW everyone else was more familiar with marvel than i was and it was super clear from the outset that they really GOT the people they were playing and i didn’t feel that way about playing peter at all. and like again i knew it would not matter absolutely no one was gonna take me aside and be like “well that wasn’t very peter of you :/” even if they thought it and i also know these people well enough that if they wanted to take me aside and give me notes i would be like actually yes please tell me. but rsd is a liar and a fraud.

i also didn’t expect it to be that hard? i am pretty proud of my ability to pin down a character. it is a skill i picked up from fic that is almost never useful outside of fic. but dnd is so much faster than writing fic where i have time to think about it and go back and double check something but obviously i couldn’t do that today since we were bouncing back and forth but it makes me feel better to know i was just a little slower rather than not being able to apply that very specific skill at all

i think it was good though (good as in good for me as a creative skill, i KNOW it was great in terms of how much fun i had). it was an exercise in forcing myself to stay on top of things. no ability to get hung up on the perfect line if someone else would interject if you were silent for a long time. need to keep moving to maintain the momentum of the scene. i fumbled a couple times imo but i was starting to get it later in the game and once you start finding that beat it’s like getting into a groove writing fic where i didn’t even have to think about characterization cos i was so involved with the scene and so confident i knew what the character wanted next

anyway. all that aside one of the players at the end was just like “and i feel like everyone understood their character so well!!” so the moral of this story is that i still have an anxiety disorder. never doubt yourself.

[garetthawke]

this is controversial i know but like. i really do want to talk about why ~friendly advice~ isn't always so helpful.

because to start with, for one piece of advice to really be helpful across the board for a mental illness, everybody has to function the same under that illness.

alright, okay, let's just assume that's the case.

well then have to assume...everyone is correctly diagnosed, and also not additionall dealing with co-morbid conditions.

this is an incredibly big deal to me, because i was diagnosed with depression instead of adhd. this is not an uncommon misdiagnosis, especially for women. but what happened is that i sat here struggling with issues i didn't understand, and they were not being explained to me.

all i knew is a doctor told me i had depression, and everyone around me kept giving me generic advice for a misdiagnosis, and i couldn't for the life of me figure out why i couldn't follow it. i couldn't figure out why my attention was constantly shot to hell even on depression meds. i couldn't figure out why i had no motivation for shit even when i didn't feel depressed. i couldn't figure out why it was so hard to do things like maintain a schedule, regularly shower and brush my teeth, and keep my space clean. i didn't even remember to drink water.

and the advice? "keep a schedule. keep yourself and your space clean. keep healthy and drink water."

i felt like a fucking failure, doomed to depression for all eternity because the advice for my issues was to...do all the things i couldn't do. which WAS my issue.

and it's funny, because people hand out mental illness advice like candy while also condemning self diagnosis, which is wild because for all intents and purposes, that advice rides on the belief of the person giving it that they know the solution to someone's problems. which is itself an armchair diagnosis, something even less educated than self dianosis.

every bit of advice i got over the years made my life feel so much worse. people looked at me and assumed i was depressed, and i never got help once. they did shit like looking at my sleep schedule and blamed it for my problems, instead of considering once that my sleep issues were a goddamn symptom.

their advice was the opposite of helpful. and i don't say this to be like "don't try to help people!!1!" but i do mean to open a discussion of like...the fact that advice is not super helpful when it's not educated.

i don't really care if you think yoga and water and sleep schedules are helpful. you don't know my condition or how i function or what my very specific issues are, so you CAN'T be helpful. and even if you did know, you are not educated enough to know if whether something helpful seeming to you has harmful effects, such as encouraging manic behavior in the name of "self care" from people experiencing lack of impulse control.

and i really have taken enough time coddling the feelings of mentally healthy and NT people who are "just trying to help." I've seen way too many people beat themselves up because they either can't apply the advice given to them, or it's been wrongfully given to them.

you as someone without a degree might look at me and think i have depression instead of severe rsd and trauma and exec dysfunction from adhd, and the resulting advice would be so incredibly unhelpful because it's almost exactly at odds with my specific issues. i have known depressed people to have chronic fatigue or mono and get told they need to do yoga to be cured.

general advice is not "apply to all." it's an indisputable fact that the article you read online once that gave suggestions on how to handle mental illness is not applicable to everyone.

and i don't care if people make posts reminding people to drink water or stretch or clean. that's not what I'm talking about.

i mean if you meet someone with depression, and you want to tell them they need to do x thing in order to get better, you aren't really in a position to say shit. saying "if you don't exercise you'll stay depressed" is not fucking helpful advice. it's assuming the role of a doctor for a condition (or multiple conditions) you neither know, understand their individual function of, or have been educated and certified to treat.

and your words have power over the people you speak to, expecially considering conditions that are mental. losing motivation to take care of yourself because you can't meet the standards someone else has set for your health is a VERY common experience of ours.

if that person you hypothetically spoke to cannot for some reason exercise, they might then decide to give up on whatever other self care they had been managing, because you just told them since they can't do what you expect of them, they'll never be healthy anyway.

they might be like me and feel like failure pieces of shit, because they have been misdiagnosed with depression or affected by other conditions that stop them from being able to follow the depression advice, triggering actual depression over what originally was something else.

and i know the "I'm not neurotypical karen" response to advice is not helpful either, but we don't have to literally bounce between two extremes here.

mentally ill people need to be receptive to basic shit like "drink water," but NT people need to also accept they aren't in a place to be telling us what the fuck to do when they don't even know who to direct their advice at or who it might hurt, and that people that their advice doesn't help are not obligated to accept it.

i literally got accused of being "anti recovery" by MULTIPLE PEOPLE on this site for saying their depression advice wasn't helpful to me. turns out it's because they were trying to make me follow depression advice for having adhd, which frankly usually the ONLY fucking advice people ever have even though depression is only one of a million mental issues people have. it's fucking ridiculous.

[xmarksthescott]

anyways ive been sitting on this post FOREVER but.......scott summers + adhd. 

he hyperfocuses on his work to such a degree that he’s oblivious/zones out when people talk to him about other things. he’s often lost in thought

in addition to his hyperfixations, one way he expresses it is through his plans because they’re always REALLY thought out, mapped to extreme detail because he dove deep enough to find them all. when he deep dives, he has to know everything about that topic

i headcanon that he likely shakes his leg or fidgets with a pen when he’s at his desk

he hates being unproductive. that’s why he’s always training or doing work. if he thinks something is unproductive, it gives him anxiety

rejection sensitive dysphoria. he internalizes everything. criticisms hit him hard and he’ll beat himself up trying to rectify them. he dwells on them and it really effects him. 

insomnia. all the thoughts running through his head often keep him up and he finds it hard to sleep at night. whether this be because of his RSD and he’s still thinking about it or anxieties about work/what he has left to do/etc.

in conclusion: scott summers is adhd (+autism because i think he is a comorbid)

[pokedoki]

Um... I just wanted to say that I really like your OC Aiki?? I havent seen a Doki Doki Literature fan character before and I really love her. Her looks are cute and she certainly seems interesting for an original fan character. 3 facts about her maybe?? I want to know more.

T HANK YOU OH MY GOSH???? AND YES YES YES OF COURSE YOU CAN HAVE SOME FACTS ABOUT MY BABE

listen I’m not going to lie I had a gigantic response typed but then I accidentally looked at a button wrong and tumblr mobile deleted the whole thing which was Disheartening, so here is my second attempt a while later please accept my apologies,,,

1. The only makeup Aiki ever bothers with is… glitter! She reasons that it’s supposed to get on everything anyway, so it doesn’t matter if she forgets to wash her face before bed or anything, it’s VERY fun to make, and also it’s glitter. How could you argue with glitter??? (She dislikes most other kinds of makeup, but - hypothetically - if someone she really looked up to and liked immensely said that she’d look really cute wearing some, WELL,)

2. Literally the only pajamas she owns are character-festooned acrylic-colored fleece combos. At one point her mom tried to gently point her in the direction of lounge t-shirts and she had exactly 0% of it. Pikachu PJs or riot. They’re cozy and cute and she’s going to wear them until it’s literally impossible to find them in her size, which might not happen ever now that the internet exists.

3. Aiki has problems with getting and keeping her appetite, which is NOT at all helped by the fact that she has a lot of sensitivities around food? Texture, taste, smell, color - she routinely rejects drinking milk because it poured wrong and she thinks it might be off because it smelled slightly different than usual? This combined with a tendency to forget that food is a thing important to survival makes her mom very stressed and Aiki prone to suddenly being very hungry with no idea what to eat at incredibly inopportune times. Please eat something. Anything?? She has a massive hoard of “quick snack food that we know 100% she will eat” in her bag at all times as a result of this. The healthiest thing in said stash is baby carrots… on the off chance she remembers those are perishable and she should eat them before they go bad. No two guesses on whether or not that comes to pass very often. But on the upside, she always has fruit snacks!

4. (Bonus) Hmm, I only vaguely alluded to the RSD in her character dump yesterday, huh. Well, she has it, in painfully full force, and has no flipping idea and so she’s… honestly very very ashamed that she can’t even take implied criticism or rejection or [insert any vaguely negative action here] without feeling horrible. She’s used to biting her tongue and nodding through it, but if she starts tearing up (easily and often!! fun) she generally leaves to hide in the bathrooms if at school, her bed if at home and… anywhere at all where there are no people, if anywhere else. … this isn’t much of a bonus, damn, I’m sorry.

5. (Better Bonus) Okay this is kind of more of a fun fact than a, really interesting fact but her favorite soda is root beer! Doesn’t she live in Japan, you ask? I reply, actually does anybody know where DDLC is supposed to take place?? This has haunted me for two months. And also yes and it’s exactly as odd to everybody as you would expect. But hey, if nobody wants any, more for her!

6. (Apology Bonus) She really likes to sing! Especially her favorite kind of music, also known as “anything even vaguely bouncy/dancy”! She will also hum the catchiest bars of the catchiest song that is stuck in her head, and you will have it stuck in your head all day, and she won’t even notice because she’s actively listening to said song at 2 volume notches higher than she should on repeat for at least 3 hours. Finger-tapping on beat: likely. Drumming on a desk/book/her legs: also likely. Clapping/snapping: yes. Do you remember the Ain’t Got Rhythm scene in Phineas and Ferb??? Honestly she should probably just take up percussion. Or at least not do her drum solo routine in the library. Please, Aiki, there’s studying going on in here

7. (Uhhhhhhhhh Help Me I’m Trapped In A Bonus) Aiki reads very very fast! She started reading when she was quite young and has only improved her ability through practice. Unfortunately, while she can read at the speed of sound, her ability to retain what she read is not exactly fantastic - ask about it an hour after she read it, nice, but a week after? She’s gonna have to reread the book. Which is great, because she was getting kind of bored! Maybe you could read it with her this time! Except maybe that’s not the best idea because she’ll be done with the page 4 minutes before you and she’ll be riffling the pages and tapping at the ground and scuffling her shoes and, jeez, okay just turn the page already. She’s not very good at reading aloud due to how fast she goes - she tries to talk just as fast and that’s, barely comprehensible to anyone involved. Not exactly a rap god here. But she does like hearing other people read! Not enough to get an audiobook. Those take like, 8 hours and she could just read it herself in 2. And then forget about it. And then read it again!!

Note to self: do not use less than signs in ask replies anD REMEMBER YOU HAVE AN EDIT BUTTON i’m a mess tonight just. let me. live

[kyidyl]

It’s all good! We all have bad days, and I’m sorry for not being clearer initially.

YES! I have that happen too, cause I have ADHD so I get all RSD about it and I totally get what you mean about the longer it goes on the worse it gets. I get that feeling you’re talking about too. Almost like you’re really embarrassed but there’s no one there so why would you be embarrassed. Idk if you do this, but if you do: don’t beat yourself up for panicking over something as “small” as an email. It makes everything worse, y’know? And you don’t deserve that. And you’re not feeling anxiety over something small - it’s what that small thing represents and all the stress associated with work.

I also I stress out over the idea that like I’m not doing enough or I’m not good enough and suddenly everyone’s gonna figure out that I’m just skating from one patch to another. Especially if I’ve been a bit like…not lazy but like ADHD bored. Or like when I feel like I should be doing more but there just isn’t more to do but like there’s always that one person that manages to find work to do and so it’s like “there MUST be something I’m missing”. So whatever it is about work that stresses you out, that’s what you’re getting upset over. Not “just” email. Which you probably knew but I know sometimes it helps to hear it from an external source. It’s ok that email is making you anxious. It’s not silly, and it’s good that you’re recognizing it now before it gets super bad. That’s a big thing.

Anyway I hope it gets better and if you wanna vent/sympathize/etc. feel free to msg. :D

I'm a ball of festering anxiety. To the point where it feels scary to open email and IDK how to proceed

[sickfic-shiz]

My ocs for fics

1. Xiren and Hanwen

‘If it is for something I care about, no sacrifice is too much.’

Xiren and Hanwen are best friends (tbh can be written as lovers or platonic). Xiren is from a fairly rich family, so he got his parents in Hanwen. Xiren’s parents are pretty chill, they don’t mind him doing what he likes most of the time. They disapprove of the gaming, but are fine with it as long as he gets back on track after he retires from pro gaming. Xiren saved Hanwen from his dad once, but he received some eye trauma, so his left eye is larger (Anisocoria). It makes him dizzy or gives him headaches sometimes, and can affect his vision. He’s 22, 175cm tall, and his eyes are amber. His legs are really skinny and his skin is pretty pale looking. As mentioned, he games with a pro team. He’s the captain of the team, and he puts almost all his time into the game. Highkey the type to hide discomfort or illness. His actual name is Wangjie, Xiren is something Hanwen calls him. Xiren is stubborn as hell when he wants something but also kind, and willing to stake everything for what he loves. Actually can be pretty cuddly, even though he doesn’t seem like it. His eyes are amber, and his left eye is badly scarred, so he wears an eyepatch. His hair is light brown. Xiren is the most stubborn sickie, he always insists he’s fine, up until he faints in the corridor or even when he’s vomiting. Will try to work when sick. He’s a very awkward caretaker, although he has a comforting voice and aura, so it makes the sickies feel better anyways.

‘If having good luck is a crime, then I’d rather let my list of sins extend forever,’

Hanwen came from a pretty bad family. His father got drunk a lot and liked to beat him up. His mother ran away so he was left alone with his dad. Xiren got him out of there, so they’re technically adoptive brothers. Hanwen has a lot of scars, and sometimes he gets nightmares about his father. Xiren comforts him when the nightmares wake him up at night. Hanwen hates when team tries to put pressure on Wangjie to perform- it’s not Xiren’s fault that the team relies so much on him. He tries his best to lighten Xiren’s load with his own ability as vice-captain. Hanwen is normally quiet, but also strict with the team. He’s really tall, around 182. He’s 21, younger than Xiren by half a year. He is healthy looking, with tanned skin, and a well built frame. His eyes are blue-grey, and his hair is light grey. Would probably jump off a cliff if Xiren asked. He’s an emotional sickie, he gets nightmares from fevers and everything feels hot no matter what he does. He’s a very gentle caretaker, will supply everything you need when you need it.

2. Qiuyan

‘Thank you senior for your guidance.’

Xiren’s successor for his account when Xiren retires. Qiuyan has been groomed by Xiren since the moment he entered the team. He’s shy, and very respectful. A lot of the team aren’t sure how to treat him because his status isn’t low as the captain’s successor, but he’s too polite. Though he doesn’t act like much, he’s actually very skilled, though he has no confidence in himself whatsoever. He’s very caring, even to the less skilled rookies. Qiuyan is also very friendly, and greets everyone older than him as ‘senior’, even those a year older. As a caretaker, he’s very helpful, and would cuddle if you asked him to. He’s a very obedient sickie, takes his meds and everything, will apologize for getting sick, though he can get a bit vocal about his discomfort when no one is around. He has two older brothers, who are pretty loud and rowdy, which is why he ended up so quiet. He has violet eyes, and long eyelashes. He is 16, still growing at 165cm. His hair is purple-grey.

3. Yuzhou and Shaoyi

Yuzhou to the outside world is the calm and collected tactician. He specializes in baiting opponents to create opportunities and is often called black-hearted by his opponents. He has a lot of female fans, with his long hair. (gets in the way when he vomits.) He’s seems to be perfectly normal, especially when compared to his partner Shaoyi. Yuzhou has ADHD, inattentive type. He’s on meds which sometimes makes him nauseous and affects his appetite. He was bullied as a kid for it, so he tries really hard to act normal. Shaoyi, although talking nonstop and acting hyper, is normal, just as a comfort to Yuzhou that he’s not the only weird one. Yuzhou is pretty forgetful, Shaoyi is the only reason he can still appear organized. His hair is purple-blue, and he’s 18. He likes to read, if he can focus enough. He has a really slender frame, and is around 178cm. His eyes are dark grey. Yuzhou loves physical contact, and is really cuddly. He likes to cling a bit when he’s sick. RSD makes him extremely sensitive to any form of rejection, even if it’s just in his perception. He’ll also push himself when sick because of it. Kinda lost when it comes to caretaking, but he’s a very good comfort. Shaoyi is hyper, kinda acts childish, and he talks a lot. He’s always following Yuzhou around, and keeps him on track with constant reminders. It looks like he’s just blabbering to Yuzhou, but he’s almost always helping him through things. He’s the responsible one tbh. Yuzhou is almost reliant on his help at this point. Shaoyi is very sensitive to the emotional states of other people, which helps him with Yuzhou who can go from nothing to exploding in seconds. He tries his best to help, and is patient with him whenever he forgets, and he does that a lot. He’s grateful to have someone with him when he’s sick, unless it’s Yuzhou because Yuzhou should just go to sleep because he never sleeps enough. Very good caretaker, could probably coax a tiger to lie down and rest properly, given the time. Human puppy, also likes cuddles. Around 165cm, average build. His eyes are dark blue and his hair is blonde.

ugh  geography and Chinese finals tomorrow so I’ll post this now and edit in stuff later

[joementa]

Week Of October 16, 2017.

I’m not sure if you have tickets to see Bruce on Broadway.  I somehow got lucky enough during the regular on-sale, but based on what I’ve been reading, I would be going to this anyways.  Somehow I would have found a way to go.  The reviews on the performance are simply incredible. But to be honest, with someone like Bruce, I really wouldn’t have expected anything less than that.  He’s just that good.  Some people who haven’t read the reviews have asked me what the reviews are saying.  I always reply with “what do you think?”  Their response is always the same – “it’s amazing, right?”  

If his autobiography taught us anything, it’s that he’s great with emotions too.  It sounds like we should be prepared for a very emotional night, even by Bruce’s standards.  I can’t wait to go, and I have a feeling I am going to try to go again.  Here are some of the interesting articles I read, and I recommend that you read me.  All of these gave me chills at some point while reading them.  

This is the feature article that appeared in the NY Times earlier in October.  An amazing interview.  https://www.nytimes.com/2017/09/27/arts/music/bruce-springsteen-broadway.html?_r=0

This is the official review that appeared in the NY Times.  To quote the article, it was an “overwhelming and uncategorizable Broadway show.”  I can’t wait!  https://www.nytimes.com/2017/10/12/theater/bruce-springsteen-on-broadway-review.html

This article appeared in the NY Times the same weekend as the review.  It includes very moving commentary from people who work on Broadway.  https://www.nytimes.com/2017/10/14/style/bruce-springsteen-on-broadway.html

This is the review that appeared in Rolling Stone http://www.rollingstone.com/music/live-reviews/review-bruce-springsteen-on-broadway-is-a-triumph-w508674?utm_source=rsnewsletter&utm_medium=email&utm_content=daily&utm_campaign=101417_13

The music community is still paying tribute to Tom Petty, and rightfully so.  His influence on popular music cannot be overstated.  Over the past couple of weeks, a number of my favorite musicians have paid tribute in their own way.  Some of these are performances, and I think all of them are worth checking out.  How great is Brandon Flowers’ voice on “The Waiting”?  So.  Good.  

Here’s Bruce on Tom Petty. I highly recommend reading this. You won’t regret it. http://www.rollingstone.com/music/features/bruce-springsteen-remembers-tom-petty-w508746?utm_source=rsnewsletter&utm_medium=email&utm_content=daily&utm_campaign=101817_11

Here’s The Killers playing “The Waiting”.  Keep in mind that this is an AUDIENCE recording, quite possibly on a cellphone. This is NOT a soundboard recording. I give you this warning not to prepare you for how awful it sounds, but to prepare you for what you will hear, even on an audience recording.  Trust me, your ears will thank you after you listen to this.  Promise.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fwSrT6tUrys

The Killers playing “American Girl” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7AQ8uAx0ZU8

Here’s Wilco playing “The Waiting” http://www.rollingstone.com/music/news/see-wilco-pay-tribute-to-tom-petty-with-the-waiting-cover-w507016?utm_source=rsnewsletter&utm_medium=email&utm_content=daily&utm_campaign=100417_12

Here’s Wilco playing “Listen To Her Heart”, back in the mid 90s.  I never even knew this performance existed, but I’m glad I found out about it. https://twitter.com/Wilco/status/914994977087799296

This past weekend, Dylan covered Tom Petty.  Here’s his performance of “Learning To Fly”, probably my second favorite Tom Petty song (behind “Don’t Come Around Here No More”) http://www.rollingstone.com/music/news/see-bob-dylan-cover-tom-pettys-learning-to-fly-in-concert-w509872?utm_source=rsnewsletter&utm_medium=email&utm_content=daily&utm_campaign=102217_15

Here are a few things that I think you should know.

The Black Friday RSD list is now officially out.  There are a few things in here that I think are very interesting, and even if it doesn’t interest you, I’m sure something in here does.  The whole point is to go to your local independent record store and buy some albums.  That shouldn’t be too difficult to do.  Although, it shouldn’t take something like RSD to get you to go to a record store. Here’s the link to this year’s Black Friday RSD list:  http://recordstoreday.com/SpecialReleases

Sharon Jones sadly passed away towards the end of last year.  However, not only did she leave us with a bunch of great albums, but she was working on one during the last year of her life.  And actually, she did complete the album.  Soul Of A Woman is out on November 17th on Daptone Records.  Here is a link to the pre-order, and in particular, a link to a bundle of the new album, plus her Christmas album Holiday Soul Party.  This is the pre-order you want to get if you don’t already have the Christmas album.  https://shopdaptonerecords.com/collections/sharon-jones/products/pre-order-sharon-jones-the-dap-kings-soul-of-a-woman?variant=2702726234140

Greg Kurstin is an amazing producer.  Definitely one of the best producers in modern popular music. I expect you to know this.  His resume is mind-blowing.  He produced music such as 25 by Adele (“Hello”and “Water Under The Bridge”), “I Wish You Would” by Taylor Swift, This Is Acting by Sia, “Helena Beat” by Foster The People, Port Of Morrow by The Shins (check out the AMAZING “Simple Song”), “Burn” by Ellie Goulding, Love You To Death by Tegan and Sara.  Ridiculous, right?  Absolutely ridiculous.  He also produced Beck’s new album Colors, which is really, really great.  You need to make sure that you run, not walk, to you record store and buy the album.  You will not regret it.

The new Hot Water Music album Light It Up is really good. Check out “Rabbit Key”

We’ve had some really warm weather this week.  Usually I wouldn’t listen to Husker Du this time of year.  They are springtime and early summer listening for me.  But I listened to Flip Your Wig this weekend on a sunny afternoon and it really worked.  If you have some warm weather ahead, give this album a listen.  It’s great, and sounds best in the daytime.