#Emotional Palate
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Fi Animism
Seeking the Truth to Life
Fi, as a compass function, is driven by an unrelenting quest to find the principles lying at the core of the universe and the nature of being. As a judgment function, it treats all information as subject to an ever-crystallizing explanatory framework which is shaped according to the laws that are sensed to govern reality. Truth means approaching this elusive but unified nexus of all things which doesn't preclude meaning and value. Fi considers how the divine principle necessarily ties all things together including the living and non-living. Thus for Fi, the truth of "what is" cannot be separated from the essential questions of what constitutes intrinsic value. The Fi user understands that even our pursuit of knowledge is predicated on an impulse which takes the value of knowledge for granted, thus pressing the question further back than knowledge for its own sake. We cherish knowledge as one part of a higher, intrinsic value which must be approached and uncovered through a convergence of subjective and objective information. The Fi user will be a rationally motivated individual but one who does not eliminate the information of their body or emotional register, but instead uses it as a compass to discover what is simultaneously the reality of existence and the truthful way of “being” in that existence. Approaching this nexus means eliminating any incongruities that might muddle the path to that purity and knowledge. It means resonating with its core structure and having it live through you; an occurrence which for many Fi users is synonymous with harmonizing intentions with the Divine. However, each Fi user will discover different things as they construct their own private gnosis as a consequence of their journey; some describing this apex principle as Love, Reason, Goodness, or God. But always for the Fi user the question of what is truth and goodness are in some way inseparable and irreducible. The answer is to be found from without but also from within -- and for that one must necessarily be a clear channel and vessel into that truth.
Attunement & Purification
The Fi user is then left with the difficult task of making sense of themselves - and by extension humanity and the cosmos - from the inside out. But the human interior is multi-dimensional and prone to express emotions that are distorted and thus misshape our view of reality. Like ripples on an ocean surface, or the static noise of a crowded room, the complexity can be overwhelming and obstruct even the most basic truths. In order to abate this inner confusion, the strong Fi user is forced to spend a great deal of time teasing apart emotions in order to see the reality of being, and of other beings. They will constantly ask “am I seeing the truth of them? am I seeing myself?” -- focusing on clarifying motivations, intentions and the meaning of sentiments. A lack of clarity can lead to complete freezing and a sense of being utterly lost. For Fi, actions can only rightly flow out of them when the channel is clear, and the intent is understood and pursued with an earnestness of heart. And when this is lacking, it can feel like a foggy cloud or miasma rests over their inner vision which they can’t look past. Their soul may feel sloshy, dense and thick like molasses. Their compass' needle becomes disoriented in its direction, affected by the energetic interference of inner and outer vectors. This distress will lead them to think obsessively about right-cause, right-motive, right-intent; creating a constant state of inner "maintenance" aimed to alleviate tangles which quickly come to feel like a state of suffocation. The principle motif for Fi becomes “attunement." It becomes the aim of the Fi user to be a calibrated tuning fork, capable of giving the right tune no matter what the situation may be. Over time the Fi user becomes keenly aware of the dynamics of the heart and tries to pierce through into a transcendent actuality not muddled by personal feelings and hang-ups. They may understand that at the highest level none of those emotions are contradictory, but are explicable from the right kaleidoscope lens which sees everything as a faceted but ultimately harmonious whole. Nonetheless, this active purification remains a constant activity of the Fi user, as they will always possess a high degree of likelihood to be disturbed by evocations from themselves and from the energy around them due to their permeable nature.
Permeability
The Fi user exists in a constant state of high permeability; an uncontrollable receptivity to the emotional energy of other people and the world. When that energy is undesired, this can lead to a hypersensitivity and jarring friction as the emanations of others register like a violent attack to their clarity and private alignment. A conflict develops between the Fi user wanting to have their own inner state undisturbed, and resisting being drowned by the states of others. They may feel like the outside is trying to change who they are against their will; swallowing their existence and making them subservient. But if the emotional energy is desirable, the Fi user is gifted with an empathic ability and turns their attention to analyzing the emanations from the place of the singular individual; discovering how situations may feel to them from the exact position and context they stand in. To do this the Fi user steps into the shoes of those whose energy they evaluate, opening their heart's membrane and viscerally assimilating all the essences and sensations of the other from the specificity of their life and coming to know them fully. This unbidden permeability is not only emotional but also carries sexual and erotic undertones woven into it as Fi assimilates all emitted energies indiscriminately – leading eventually to a sensual permeability and overtake. Fi carries a naturally feminine and submissive charge as it experiences multiple types of penetration from the environment and an unfiltered contact with others around her. When contact is not being resisted, their susceptibility to “letting others in” contributes powerfully to a higher openness to sexual exploration, and the exploration of atypical conjunctions. Many Fi users discover within them latent sexual affinities as they dis-inhibit sexuality from their ego; accounting for the much higher representation of Fi users within the LGBTQ+ community. The boundaries between people become easily blurred and affinities for all types of energies are readily discovered to exist within them.
Emotional Palate
However, because of this very visceral and intimate permeability, the Fi user is inescapably forced to develop powerful charges for or against specific types of emotional information, as it is not possible to allow all emanated energies equal access into their being. But because they cannot be neutral or indifferent about it, and because they are permeable, they must meet undesired energies with strong reactions of repulsion and disgust. An emotional push-back is executed whenever the Fi user says “no” to allowing an experience from another person or the world to have entryway into their otherwise sensitive interior. The Fi user exists in a constant limbo of attraction and repulsion, as their heart becomes a selective valve to people. And each Fi user will be very specific in what contents they allow in and which they cast out, tailored from a lifetime of bombardments that have made a custom whitelist for those things that are acceptable. This case-by-case approval of emotional content will make Fi users appear highly picky or finicky to onlookers who may not be able to guess when the Fi user will appreciate or depreciate their remarks; appearing to them as a frustrating game of chance. A certain word, gesture or look will be enough to flag an individual on the wrong side of Fi’s emotional palate, causing a large barrier to form between them and that person’s energy. Over time the stringent use of this palate is what causes an unseelie attitude to arise where the majority of energies from others are repulsed and defended against by default. The Fi user's continual use of this palate develops over time into a very idiosyncratic aesthetic; their own uniquely created castle made of all that which they approve of. Through this process of discovering what their tastes and affinities are, they also come to uncover their intrinsic essence.
Discovery of Inner Essence
The Fi user is aware very early on that every individual possesses a unique and sacred soul which remains unmodified at its core, but which can be tarnished and crippled by our necessary collision with an imperfect world. Through years of conditioning, the environment misshapes and warps that essence when we’re forced to live through imaginary characters and personas; to fabricate egos and narratives atop of our neglected and parched nativity. When Fi is strong in a person, an acute aspiration buds forth to boldly return themselves and others to their sacred spark; that purity that remains always incorruptible but buried beneath a mountain of faces. Fi will initiate a rebirth process; a shedding away of skins to decouple our true dreams from outside expectations and to cease being a molded and polished copy of an ideology that is not one's own. And as many Fi users dive headlong into the unconscious to find their essence, they may discover something feral; wild and untamed. The essence of a human, they find, is animal and creature-like. This creature, the uncivilized soul, is intimately connected to nature just like the rest of the animal kingdom. The Fi user discovers their eternal roots with the rest of life and their kinship with birds and beasts. Many Fi users who discover their inner animal decide to take on the life of a naturalist, living in agriculture with no makeup or intervention the from the loud machinery of the world, and where they can choose not to shave or cut their hair. They will thirst to “be” themselves in as naked and unmodified a way as possible.
Idiosyncrasy & Self-Expression
However, in other expressions the Fi user can choose to eliminate the cultural persona for the creation of their own as a reflection of their idiosyncratic nature. This can lead to very off-beat existences, such as by the exhibition of cross-dressing, queer or counter-culture identities. They can be creative and eccentric as well as decorative. As a Ji function, Fi cares powerfully about individuality and having an alignment of self-expression with self-identity, inclining the Fi user to beautify themselves in accordance with their aesthetic personal vision. Some Fi users will embody a diva or primadonna that radiates their sexuality freely as an expression of their raw existence. Others may be asexual and choose to be androgynous in their appearance by growing or cutting their hair to neutralize their gender's energetic tilt. As many different variations will exist as there are Fi users, but all will carry the imprint of a culturally indifferent decision making process. This often places the Fi user in the headlights of difficult social criticism, harassment and verbal abuse. Yet, by their continual advocacy of the individual, they are capable of transforming society away from a shame of our raw nature and into a higher integration of our primal instincts and inner beauty.
-Behaviors Under Stress
Hypersensitivity & Overwhelm
As noted, Fi will give a person an unordinary level of sensitivity to incoming energies and when the stress and gravity of life cause a fall out of emotional health, what began as a blessing in understanding others through assimilation inverts into a disability amidst the raw static and noise of an overwhelming situation. Their empathic abilities backfire as their heart’s open channel lets more acute emotions in than what can be healthily processed. They will become hyper-stimulated, far too sensitive to negative vibes and utterly unable to tolerate hostile environments without collapsing in tears. They can come to feel physically ill in emotionally weighted situations; needing to get away from them as soon as possible. There is freezing and paralysis, volatility and hysteria. This will cause them to exist like a raw, flailing electric line — still hot, but exposed. Everything is noisy and it becomes difficult to know what one believes or stands for. Those around the Fi user may criticize them as being moody, sulky and volatile. Their behaviors may appear melodramatic and passive-aggressive from the vantage point of an outsider who is unaware of how sharply affected the Fi user is by their emotional stress. At other times they will pour out poetry and songs to encapsulate their condition, indulging passive-aggressive commentary on the world while containing glimmers of squelched hopes. This Fi user will be a broken bird; a disenchanted idealist who realizes that the world is too wretched a place for beauty to last within. They will talk about their difficulties in life openly with a mournful spirit. The same transparent emotional radiation that was once bashful and giddy becomes melodramatic, sullen and woeful. They will wear their bleeding heart in open display, emanating a private sorrow that also saturates their environment.
Alexithymia & Dissociation
However, if the stress and trauma of life persists even beyond this intolerable threshold, the Fi user may shut down their heart completely and enter a state of deep dissociation. When it becomes impossible for the Fi user to exist in connection to their own permeability, the channels of the emotional register are cauterized. They become depersonalized from themselves, unable to sense or track any emotional energies. The rivers of the heart run dry. A blank look falls over their face and their body ceases to belong to them. Reality feels surreal and dream-like. Those in their surroundings may appear as lifeless silhouettes with no more of a soul than they can sense in themselves. This inevitably leads to alexithymia or a dysfunction in emotional awareness, social attachment and interpersonal ability. In these moments the Fi user superficially resembles a Ti user, but for the Fi user this detachment represents a neurotic state that applies great stress on their body and psyche. The dissociation will be unnatural, crippling and inhibiting their normal operations. The Fi user may appear to be on the Asperger’s or Autistic spectrum; lacking any grace or ability to connect with anyone as their primary channel for contact has short-circuited. But beneath that stoicism the unaddressed heart will continue to wail, expressing itself in silence, private tears which may appear to start flowing perplexingly without origin.
#Cognitive Typology#Cognitive Functions#Introverted Feeling#Fi#ISFP#INFP#Behaviorism#Animism#Seeking the Truth to Life#Attunement#Purification#Permeability#Emotional Palate#Discovery of Inner Essence#Idiosyncrasy#Self-Expression#Hypersensitivity#Overwhelm#Alexithymia#Dissociation#Sacred Life
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I love you horrible gut wrenching queer media I love you narrative doom and damnation I love you bleakness and bloodiness I love you tragedy as a tool of union I love horrible depressing unhappy eviscerating queerness I love that we are so full of horror and terror and bloodshed and guilt and tragedy and pain and yet we are all still so full of love and joy and bliss and happiness in ourselves and we are all still beautiful in each others eyes I love u adam and lawrence from saw 2004
#cal.txt#queer media#queer coding#sawposting#chainshipping#saw 2004#saw 1#lawrence gordon#adam stanheight#lawrence x adam#toxic yaoi#doomed yaoi#this is what tragic gay media means to me#heartstopper is literally palatable queerness I won’t back down from that I want . raw and diseased gay people#thisbis so bad but I’m so fivkinf emotional and wrecked right now#queer studies I guess#I’d not fiuvking know ignore my dimb ass
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I keep thinking that this Gojo is just like Sukuna. I truly don't see much of a difference between them beyond the human/curse point of view
#If not Sukuna then some other more palatable special degree curses like the one he just killed that talked about the new humanity#It truly looks like that I don't know#Trying to be unbiased about the pretty concepts I take personally#and trying to ignore the silly fact that Sukuna's domain is literally called temple of evil or something (makes one want to ask#so many things like why the hell does he call it such? isn't evil good for you? Isn't a species kind of thing?#Why are you adhering to human notions and conceptualisations if you seem so beyond them and think nothing of them?)#Gojo is quite terrifying from a curse point of view. He is cruel and merciless. He can't be reasoned with and he is playful. He has his fun#His powers are not much different in structure from those of a curse and he said that the power capacity of a sorcerer comes from birth#So it's ontological. It's not just skill. It's an essential differentiation. Just like curses#It's just... I don't know. It's almost as if he were a curse himself. He talks about emotions being the source of curses?#Maybe that's the difference? Was Sukuna born that way too?#I don't know. I keep thinking that he is quite idk monstrous in a very Sukuna way. He isn't terrible like Sukuna is like with the kids#But he is human after all. He does adhere to human categories. Sukuna is something else#And yet Gojo uses the kids. He draws lines and he is caring and gentle and sweet in his way#but he very much uses the kids and is a bit flippant about it. And he is human#I don't know. It seems completely intentional this similarity between Gojo and the curses and Gojo and Sukuna in particular#Sukuna seems interested in Megumi while Gojo seems interested in Itadori and idk I just keep thinking#but I'm not even know about what or how#I find this man very hard to trust haha the parallels are intriguing#I think this piece of worldbuilding has potential as well as their characterisations#I hope the author will do something with all this#I talk too much#Jujutsu Kaisen#Gojo Satoru#Sukuna
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dennis is an angry character btw im sorry but he is full of rage but that rage is not exclusive his anger does not negate sadness and fragility and insecurities in fact they work together and dtamhd was one of the first times where his anger was not used as a joke via a surface level rage explosion from him but instead explored the fragility of his anger. the way he keeps reassuring the workers he encounters (and himself) that he's not mad. when he tells daisy he's not mad but he is a little bit upset. dennis is angry and that anger is what makes him so fragile. he was upset and it manifested as rage bc he doesnt know what to do with his own sadness
#disclaimer tags yes i would like to see his emotions explored more but i disagree that we ONLY saw anger in dtamhd#and EVEN IF IT WAS ONLY ANGER... anger is just as VALID and fragile and vulnerable as sadness. they are family#we saw how his anger makes him fragile how it exhausts him#how it works with his stress and fears and insecurities and sadness#he was UPSET!!!!#angry dennis in dtamhd WAS big feelings dennis in tends bar. that was the same#he expressed anger in tends bar bc he was upset he expressed anger in dtamhd bc he was upset etc etc#and i think the sadness people were expecting was present. the sadness and fragility we would have seen if he cried on the beach like most#of us anticipated (btw he did cry at the beach <3 technically <3) was THERE. it was just in his anger#sewerkingcharlie talked about this already and worded it very well but im honestly kinda bothered by how some people have treated#the portrayal of anger and emotions in this ep#you dont have to like the ep or how they portrayed dennis but some posts have really given the vibe of#his anger and his emotional outburst not being as valid because it wasnt portrayed in the way you expected#or that it wasnt palatable enough#and honestly if you dont like it thats okay! but can we please be careful with how we talk about mental illness and anger outbursts!#yes it is frustrating when people ONLY see dennis' anger or see dennis' anger in a very shallow way#which a lot of the audience unfortunately does because its been treated like a joke#but it wasnt a just a joke here#and maybe this will all go past dudebros heads frankly i dont give a shit lol but thats for another post
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been seeing a lot of superiority complex-y anti-casual sex posts, so i’d just like to say hell yeah casual sex, i think people having fun together simply based on sexual attraction is so cool. i love sex without feelings :)
#this is even a thing in the aro community. ‘uwu we can still have an emotional connection’ yes but also it’s cool if we don’t#i have no interest in trying to make myself palatable to allos whose acceptance is conditional and even then partial
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The writing of women in Drakengard is rlly amazing where YT is at the helm bc in DOD1 you have them making all the right decisions with the themes, story, etc. and them going "oh that was fucking AWFUL, we're never doing that again wtf were we thinking lol" and then they're like "this is how you make a REAL videogame woman" and pull shit from a horses ass
#gu6chan's musings#and by amazing i mean it kinda makes me wanna rip my skin off lol <3#drag on dragoon#drakengard#but anyways#yes this is 100% just about furiae#we stopped making halfway decent female characters after dod2 i think bc MAN it dropped off from#somehow unintended metaphors about the binding of a woman to 'feminity' and how they become acutely aware of that as they grow older (eris)#and how actually AWFUL and UNCOMFORTABLE it is all around being consigned to the 'sweet; feminine role' when you have emotions and aspects#of yourself that are considered anything BUT and the resentment and contempt that builds as a result of that (furiae)#and then nier onwards was rlly just 'how can we make feminism and the idea of empowerment comfortable; palatable; and most importantly#keep it appealing to men' and never rlly returned to the discomfort and sadness being a subject or even ACKNOWLEDGED beyond anything that#isnt 'i had a tragic anime backstory where everyone hated me so it made me soooo sexy and violent and broken...... hashtag girlboss'
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[ENG SUB] ความรู้สึกสุดท้าย | final feeling I PLAYBOYY THE SERIES
youtube
#?!?!??!??!#them talking about their characters and say goodbye#no wait why is this so emotional 😭#basically none of them want to say goodbye#playboyy the series#playboyy#vivit pharunrit#boat pakorn#parm pawarate#aun warit#korn palat#kaowoat supasin#jack giacomo piazza#chat wasutha#fay chintub#jeffy chutipon#view thanathorn#win jirapat#dech narongdet#shell thakrit#Playboyy interview
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thinking abt rwrb again. i wish alex had been allowed to be short. and angry.
#i don’t have the brain cells to elaborate on this rn#the short thing is bc while i DID enjoy the acting a lot in the movie i think the height difference is important and it doesn’t. hit.#the way i think it would have if alex had actually been. y’know. short.#and the angry thing is. hm#specifically the obtuse fucking asshole scene#alex doesn’t get to experience a full range of emotions in the movie#they filed him down to make him more palatable as a love interest#and i wish. i wish they had let it get ugly. we deserved to see the mess AND the payoff#rwrb#wade talks#alexander claremont diaz
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Genuinely surprised Netflix hasn't adapted omegaverse yet
#are you too weak for slick?#tho knowing them it'd go kinda like this: alphas are male omegas are women.#omega woman is used as a plot device to humanize a guy that couldn't be bothered to recognise her or her kind#as sentient beings with thoughts and emotions until he wanted to fuck her#and the only male omega rep would be the token lgbt rep whos a twink that falls for the alpha#his duty is to repair the years of damage caused by internalized homophobia and misogyny#and they'd become the centerpiece of the fandom despite being sickenly mediocre and palated to MLM fetishists#did i left something out? no i dont think so#meta#fandom#abo
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"Thinking about the enemy murdering me made you mad, right"
(I can't let her know I don't want her to get murdered that will surely reveal my secret love for her play this cool)" I mean MAYBE. I GUESS. who knows really. (nailed it)
#tbh it is likely slightly awkward translation#plus Sousuke's complete inability to acknowledge his emotions and struggle to express them which is fine#and he does make a little mmm noise after the first part and then “I can't forgive them”#but i sure do need a funny palate cleanser after all the bullshit#nev watches full metal panic
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I think the problem with Chapuys is that the ambassadors aren't really seen as "people", if you will, with agency and biases like everyone else, but just disembodied voices narrating the story, and so for a long time historians and writers just accepted reports at face value, because there wasn't "thought" behind it. You should write a book on him as a response to the other one. You've got a lot of interesting observations.
Omg, you're too kind. But thank you ❤️
Yeah, I actually made a similar observation to you, elsewhere, expanded a bit:
Unfortunately, the practice of using Chapuys' dispatches as the emotional blueprint for all these historical people has become rather prevalent. I think he had credible insights at times, but what's sort of forgotten is that while many of his reports are of what these people said and did (according to, a noblewo/man, or Cromwell, or a physician of a nobleman, or a servant of a gentleman, or 'several reliable quarters', or COA or Mary themselves), many others are simply what he's assuming they thought or said or felt, and have no specific incident or quote or source given. One particularly egregious example informed a lot of subsequent portrayals of Thomas & George Boleyn, namely that upon the death of COA in Jan 1536, they "must have said to themselves, what a pity it was that the Princess had not kept her mother company", with the 'must' (ie, speculation, rather than an actual report of what any of his sources claimed to have overheard) omitted.
[To wit]:
"The King’s mistress had from the very beginning resolved that the Princess should act as her train-bearer, and that she would cause her and her mother all manner of annoyances; but considering that her singular beauty, goodness, and virtue, might possibly induce the King to change his purpose, and that if the Princess were to attend Court, and be seen there continually, she might daily gain the hearts and favour of the courtiers, she has not allowed her to come." Jan 1534, Chapuys to Charles V
[Also, literally a month after this report Anne does invite her stepdaughter to court, the first of three recorded attempts, so...awkward.]
Now, as 'resolved' is not 'said' (it's also interesting that his concern seems to have shifted from the report of the year prior, in which making Mary her trainbearer was the least of what Anne threatened: 'I hear she has lately boasted that she will make of the Princess a maid of honour in her household, that she may perhaps give her too much dinner on some occasion [ie, poison], or marry her to some varlet [a low-ranking servant of poor birth, Chapuys would later refer to Mark Smeaton as a 'varlet']), this would be a case of the 'mind reading' I meant; insofar as some explanation as to why Mary was sent to Princess Elizabeth's household, which was a satellite of the the King's court, rather than the centre of everything, the King's court itself. Granted, I think AB fearing her stepdaughter's popularity is more likely, but the likelier explanation overall would be that Mary was not invited to court for the same reason her own household was dissolved; she defied Henry's appointment and determination of her illegitimacy. Youth and beauty and envy thereof was hardly the determinate factor here, considering [...] that Margaret Douglas, of almost identical age and equal in beauty (according to their contemporaries), was one of AB's preeminent ladies and much in favour...the determinate difference was that MD and her mother acknowledged Anne as Queen, and, for obvious reasons, Mary and hers did not. Rich pickings for the narrative trope casting Mary as Snow White and AB as her wicked stepmother, tho......
#anon#important to remember that they are not omniscient narrators...for sure#not even so much thought but as if there was not intent to present matters a certain way?#and of course there always was#not to mention emotional bias#the difference btwn chapuys and other ambassadors is not so much that they were devoid of emotion and he was emotional#but like...he developed very close personal relationships with both coa and mary#and most ambassadors had more formal relationships with the royals they were writing about#so of course those emotions colored his reports#idt hviii was a one-note bully and idt AB was a relentless harpy#these were people with a lot of power. people in power are not always palatable#their actions certainly are not...but they are human.#and i think they were both people of great intelligence that has generally been underestimated#due to chapuys' self-aggrandizement of his own intellect
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I always smh at people who dub Jason as “whiny” “and therefore ooc” in tt 29. If you died and all everyone did was taint your legacy, and not a single person remembered you fondly or deemed you worthy of commemoration after your death, wouldn’t you be a bit upset too?
#the only thing that was ooc about Jason there was all the shit talking the other characters were doing about him.#and some of the things Jason said about himself because he left whatever small amounts of self esteem he actually had back in his grave#he was very cooperative shy and clever with the titans in the 80s#it’s not enough that his own father told him to his face that he is a product of his own problems#everyone he knew and had good working relationships with just completely shut him out and turned their backs#even if you don’t mean it/it’s more complicated than that#if someone you knew died but now you got a chance to tell them what you couldn’t wouldn’t you at least muster up an ‘I’m glad you’re back’#apparently not lol#kelseethe#it’s the fact that people label him *being upset* as ‘illogical’ or stupid that irks me#I was talking with a mutual about this too but#if a female character did exactly his actions#I don’t think people would be so quick to stomp all over her and call her weak/overbearing/hysterical#or to give her the dismissive patronizing eye roll treatment#even though they deemed her actions to be exaggerated/misdirected/an outburst by any standard#they’d probably say she’s written like an actual human and that she resonates with a lot of people haha#he evaded all their security systems and effectively took down anyone who was present in the tower.#I’d say his skills are pretty in-character.#the idea that men can get emotional is just not palatable to you people just admit it#if it isn’t silent brooding stoic manpain you people will projectile vomit all over it and call it ‘bad characterization’
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I do think the general rule of you can never add too much garlic is a good one, and important training wheels for normie midwesterners, brits, etc (sry 4 the cheap shot lol)…however I just spent literally over 30 minutes slowly browning onions and cumin perfectly for my mujadara and mixed it all up with the lentils and rice. And then I fucked it up supremely by adding garlic powder. Just stomped all over my painstakingly cultivated browned onion flavor :-( :-( :-( :-( what I have now is horrible quotidian lentil rice. My beautiful fleeting mujadara…she is gone…dead with all the things that made her special……….learn from my mistakes. Ouuuuuughhhhh :-(
#I’m so grumpy :-(#whadda waste of onions…#grrgrgrgrgrggrhrgrggg#I’m so fucking mad!!!!!!!!!!!#I will feed it to the roommate. but it’s one of those low resilience high emotional volatility days plus i m having SOOO much trouble#getting sufficient food in these days and I’d been thinking about the mujadara for hours and it’s all I wanted to eat and I ruined it.#this is not a real problem I’m just being a BABY#but WHY did I do that. why#and I made 6-7c like that was the base of 3 dinners auyuugghhhhhgghhhg#it’s just that I have zero appetite due to the vague health issues and I’m nearly six foot and I swim laps 5-6h a week like I have got to#be eating UGH…#and this was like the only appealing and palatable food I could think of. and the only reason it’s so hard is because I haven’t eaten#nearly enough today but I was planning to FIX THAT WITH THE MUJADARA…
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yeah eyrie is like. deeply angry jsut like a lot of my other oc’s but they are unfortunately kinda uhhh. deeply afraid of their own anger <3
#when u take the social script of having to be a certain way too far so you cut urself off from your own emotions l#anyway the last time they were well and truly angry they almost ate a guy#but that was also a bit of sin eater aether craving that was sitting in the back of their head#it kinda. never really left tho#and the aetherspurn doesn’t help bc they are. constantly hungry#with no sense of fufillment to that hunger#there’s a lot of. deprivation going on eyrie’s life#a lot of it self inflicted for the sake of being palatable to people#chasing the impossible ideal to lose one’s self in that#boy howdy they are hitting on some cannibalism imagery#owen talks
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i am so ugly
#why does my mouth move like that#still image me was horrifying enough but its like when i talk or smile or emote in any way my mouth inverts#genuinely unlovable theres no way anyone could look at this w/o disdain#just on my hnds n knees begging & pleading if i just get thin enough itll make me palatable enough that it wont matter#no wonder everyone hates me when this is what they have to look at#i genuinely have the worst smile in the world i remember why i always forced myself to stay as still as i could#i spent too much time trying to get better & happy that i forgot im not allowed#why should i b able to be happy when my existence makes everything uglier for everyone else#i ruin every room i walk into#why do my cheeks do that#why is my forehead so Meaty why do i always look angry no matter what i do#why do my eyebrows grow like that#how am i built so Wrong
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there is truly something in the air abt getting my first hate comment on breaking patterns/mending threads two years after i finished writing it, and that it happens to be during one of the worst periods of my life
#don't even know what to tag this as#it's not personal bc arguably it's what this blog is for in the first place#but i don't want it showing up in my fandom tags#i don't even want to mention the comment itself bc it's not on them for being upset that i ended it the way i did#but there is something so triggering abt phrasing it as being 'disgusted'#about something very emotional that i honestly relate more to today than i did when i wrote it#if it feels like that whole fic was a projection of certain emotions#it probably was#a dissection of what i write about vs my personal life draws very clear emotional similarities#i've grown a tough skin abt legitimate criticisms on my writing#in fact i genuinely like being told the ways in which my writing is shit#so that i can improve it#but something abt this being abt the fic being too depressing#and having hope but not necessarily happiness#and having that relate to disgust abt the way i presented something that contains emotions that i have felt#and continue to feel bc life is a fucking nightmare and yeah i relate to the impoverished fucking asshole with the desire for affection#it's exhausting to experience this sort of thing even in a fandom space#where expressing my feelings is still not realistic or palatable enough#i get that people have triggers but i put trigger warnings in every single chapter#and you can't put a trigger warning in a comment#or know that i'm having a particularly bad time#it just reminds me why i stopped actively participating in fandom anyway#like i said. triggering
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